Nick stopped the car, closed his eyes and held his breath for a few seconds. Here he was, again. Just like the day before and the days before that. He hoped to find something by visiting her. That was the only reason he was there. This time he even brought flowers, white roses, her favorites according to his friends. He dragged himself towards her last resting place, kneeled down and placed the roses on the gravel that covered her grave. He removed some leaves from the grey headstone, so he could read what was engraved in it, just like he had a hundred times before.


Samantha White
1982 - 2006
If there's one thing I believe
I will see you somewhere down the road again..


He searched the depths of his mind, trying to come up with something he could say, but everything seemed to be unappropriate or ridiculious or both. He shook his head as he decided to say it anyway. "Hello Samantha, woman of my past.. I’m sorry for...sorry for what happened. They say it isn’t my fault, and maybe they’re right. But still.. I was-” Nick couldn’t finish his sentence, so he stayed silent for at least ten minutes. He kept his eyes on the ring on his finger as he again began to speak. “I-I wish I could sit here and cry, but I can’t. I still.. I still can’t remember you. I try so hard, I talked to your parents, your friends, the guys. I go to places we went to together, eat at your favorite restaurant, but it doesn’t bring back any memories of you, of us. I don’t remember the day we met, our first date. Hell, I don’t even remember the night I proposed."

If it hadn’t been for Kevin, who helped him plan the evening, he’d still be thinking it never happened. In fact, he couldn’t see himself proposing to anyone at this point. But Kevin told him he had wanted to make sure everything was perfect that night, that he wanted her to feel like an angel, because that was how he saw her.
Nick shook his head at the thought. “Pathetic, huh.. There’s no such thing as angels.. No such thing..”
When he realized what he just said, his cheeks flushed with red. “Sorry..” he mumbled, feeling like an idiot. He heard a woman’s laugther, so he quickly looked around to see if anyone was laughing at him. But there was no one there, which confused him.

A tickling sensation on his hand made him turn his attention on his hand. A red ladybug was slowly making her way towards his engagement ring. For reasons unknown to him, it brought a smile to his face. The small creature stopped as it reached the silver ornament with which he made a vow. The bug didn’t move an inch when the young man lifted his hand so he could take a better look. After a minute or two it spread it’s little wings. Nick watched it fly away as if he was hypnotized. He followed the ladybug with his eyes until it was out of his sight.

Nick sighed as he rose to his feet. “Sometimes.. Sometimes I run, but I’m not afraid. There’s nothing left to fear. Sometimes, I drive with my eyes closed tight, hoping I’ll crash into something, hoping that would make me remember, hoping that would make me feel again. But I never crash, and I never feel anything anymore. No anger, no sadness, nothing. I just don’t understand. Why can’t I? Why can’t I remember?!”

He stared at her tombstone, his hands shoved in his pockets. Once again he tried to remember the sound of her voice, the way she ruffled his hair, anything about her, but it was no use. Brian told him he should keep trying, try with all his might, but no matter how hard he tried to remember, it gave him nothing more than headaches, like the one he felt coming up right there and then.

The doctors had told him the memory-loss was probably a combination of the severe concussion and the fact that he couldn’t handle Samantha’s death. The young man shook his head. As if it was easy to handle the fact that had no memories of their relationship. “Well, I’ll be going now..” he whispered to himself. “I hope I get to remember you.. Seems like you were the best thing that ever happened to me.. I’ll be back again someday, woman of my past..”

Slowly Nick made his way back to his car. After he sat down and shut the door, he took one last look at the ring on his finger. “Sorry.” He whispered as he took it off. He couldn’t keep it on. It represented something he had no memories of. It represented the death of someone who would become his wife instead of the commitment he made to her. He put the ring into the pocket of his denim jack. At first he thought of throwing it into the lake nearby the cemetery, but decided against that. There was a chance that someday he would remember and maybe, just maybe he’d want to wear the ring then.

When he was about to start the engine, he noticed there was a ladybug on the dashboard. He found that somewhat awkward. It was in the middle of winter, January to be precise. This was confusing for the blonde. For Nick, this was enough reason to call Kevin and so he did. “Kev, can I ask you something?”
“Sure buddy, shoot.” The eldest replied.
“Ladybugs, you normally don’t see them in January, right?”
“Uhm, I don’t think so no. It’s too cold for them to fly around..” Kevin sounded confused. “Why?”
“Umm well,” Nick hesitated. “No, it’s nothing.”
“Sure, you call to ask me about ladybugs just for the fun of it.”
“Alright, I’ve already seen two since I’ve been here, you know.. the c-cemetery. One landed on my hand and sat still on t-the ring.. and now one is on my dashboard. I just find that kinda weird..” Nick waited for Kevin to reply, but the older man stayed silent. “Kev?”
“Uhm.. well..”
“What is it, Kev?”
Kevin cleared his throat before he answered his friend. “This might sound ridiculious, Nick. And maybe it is. But Sam.. Samantha loved ladybugs. If she saw one in our houses, she’d make sure the little animal would be set free in the garden. She even wanted to get a ladybug-tattoo on the small of her back..”

Now it was Nick’s turn to fall silent. But within a few seconds, his rational side rose to the surface.
“Thanks, Kev. I gotta go.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I just wanna get home before it gets dark.”
“Alright, call me when you’re there, okay? Seems like it’s gonna storm..”
“I will..” Nick closed his cell, leaned back and closed his eyes. This was all one big coincidence, nothing more than a coincidence. “Right?” he asked himself with a shaky voice. “Right..” When he opened his eyes, the ladybug was nowhere to be seen. Maybe it had been his imagination. He repeatedly told himself it was nothing more than that, but a soft voice in the back of his mind told him it meant something.

Five minutes later, Nick was driving home. His mind was trying to comprehend the whole ladybug-incident, but his eyes were focused on the road. ”Samantha loved ladybugs.” Was this her way to help him remember?
Nick shook his head in an attempt to get rid of that thought. But he couldn’t. And the woman’s laughter he heard earlier. There was no one there, except for himself. Could it.. Maybe..
He reached for the ring in his pocket. He had to take another look at it. His hand was shaking, but he managed to grab the object. He held the silver ring between the thumb and index finger of his left hand, while he kept his other hand on the steering wheel and his eyes on the road.

”My ladybug.. I mean, Samantha, will you marry me?” He heard himself propose. His voice, crystal clear, followed by hers. ”Ofcourse I will silly. Yes, I want to marry you.” The shock made him drop the ring and he silently cursed himself for being so stupid. Without thinking, he reached down to get the ring, but he couldn’t find it. With one hand, he searched under his seat, while he returned his gaze to the road. After a few seconds his fingers touched something which he thought to be the object he so desperately wanted to put back on his finger. “Yes!” he exclaimed when he picked up the ring. But Nick had no clue that he was steering his car off the road and that he was heading straight for an enormous tree...

~~~~

"Five days ago, Nick Carter, the 25-year-old member of the famous boyband, The Backstreet Boys, died in a carcrash. The young man was engaged to Samantha White, who also died in a carcrash three months ago. It is believed that while driving, Carter dropped his engagement ring. When he reached to retrieve the ring, his car crashed into a tree. Doctors say it killed him instantly. At his funeral today, it is said hundreds of ladybugs covered Carter’s casket. Kevin Richardson, a friend of Carter’s and fellow bandmember, says this was White’s way to tell him they’re together now. I’m Katie Johnson for WLA-Shownews.”