The waiting area at the hospital was a sterile, linoleum place with orange vinyl benches and a set of glass doors that announces PATIENTS ONLY in red block letters. At one corner of the long stretch of lonely corridor, a figure sat nervously shaking his foot, waiting and knowing that there was nothing he could do.

A moment he would look down to stare at the cold concrete floor as if he could find the answers to his all his questions, and the next he would lean his head back to the wall and shut his painful eyes slowly. The pungent smell of medicines in the air added to the stench of blood on his shirt causing a wave of nausea rolled up from his stomach aggravating his dizziness.

Everything happened just like in one of his dreams. A dream that slipped from his mind like the smoke from his lips, to float on stale air and vanished into the carpets, drapes, never to be seen again, yet perpetually present. Maybe it shouldn't be called a dream at all. He remembered how his stomach twisted each time the fears gripped him while he's trying hard to find the escape routes from those endless nightmares.

In the past he used to have dreams of seeing himself and even his beloved ones dying right in front of his eyes in his sleep and each time he experienced those bad dreams, he would find himself dripping with cold sweat. He felt so fragile back then, not denying such dreams brought film of tears in his eyes. But least would he expect to witness the pang of reality of seeing the same sight happening right before his eyes. A picture of his girlfriend lying in a pool of blood on the kitchen floor frozen him instantly.

Her long dark brown hair smeared with blood as she laid motionless despite of her name being called several times. Her lips had turned blue and her face was pale, in fact her whole body had turned cold and white.

Suddenly he felt lost. Lost in her silence. He kneeled before her as his hands desperately reaching for her pulse. No pulse. He then checked her heartbeat. No beating. No, he convinced himself that she's still alive and that his mind was fully functioning to even notice whether her pulse was there or that she's still breathing. Maybe she's cold, he thought. He rubbed her cold hands trying to give as much warmth to it, expecting a response he was accustomed to. The fear didn't drop from his face as his tears continued to drip down on her shoulders as he held her tight to his chest.

"D? D?" The tap on his shoulder brought him back to the slapping of painful breeze in the emptiness and lonely sepulchre. Perhaps as lonely as she was back at home, waiting and expecting his return after being left for days, weeks and even months. But the good thing about her that gained much of his respect was that she possessed a rare virtue of being someone with great patience. She never complained not even once in the life span of their relationship. "D... are you okay?" Howie turned and saw that concern expression on his friend's face.

"Yeah... I guess so..." His voice seemed to falter away as the others began to make their way out of the premises.

"Look... we are sorry for what has happened...and I know that we should be there with you but-"

"Its okay Kev... I'm fine... afterall its already over... and to see you here today is more than enough for me..." He tried to hide his sadness but being with him for almost ten years could almost give it away in just a split second. But Kevin knew that no matter how much words he used to comfort his friend, nothing could sum up the anguish of losing someone in his life. He has gone through the same ordeal once and he understood how much time he took to get over it and he was not expecting him to react normally but would be enough if Howie could show him that he would be alright at least for the next few days.

"Well... you know what? Kristine and I will be staying at the hotel for a few days so... we thought... maybe it will be a great if you can join us, I mean... stay in the hotel for a few days to get over all these things, I mean-"

"Nah! Its okay... I'll fine really... so how long do you plan to stay on?" He asked trying not to make any eye contact with Kevin who was observing him since the moment they stepped into the sepulchre area. Perhaps the same old Kevin can never changed when it comes to the needs of his band mates, and more practically for someone whom he regards as his own brother.

"Most probably four to five days or maybe a week coz after that Kristine has to fly back home for her assignment..." Said Kevin as he turned to Kristine, as if he was indicating some signals to her.

"I really hope that you can join us D." She said as she touched his hands. Warmth. Just like Celline's touch.

"Its okay Kristine... I... I have some things to do right after this, you know I need to clean the whole mess and stuffs so... maybe hey! How about you guys spare some time and drop by at my house... you know Celline can make real good cookies... hmmm... I mean... you know..." Howie laughed uncomfortably on the slip of his tongue mentioning her name, and thus he could feel the blood flowing profusely in his heart.

Kevin and Kristine managed to exchanged glances before Kristine stepped forward and hugged Howie. "Look D... I know its hard for you right now... and we're not asking you to be normal but enough if you can convince us that you'll be alright, that you will take care of yourself huh?" Whispered Kristine before she pulled herself away from the hug and stared deep in his eyes.

"Don't worry guys... I'll be fine... really... its just that... the whole thing is still new to me so... a slip of my tongue there... but you don't have to worry about me... I'll be fine..."

"You sure?" Asked Kevin as he slipped both his hands into his pant pockets.

"Yeah I'm sure." Said Howie as he carved a fake smile to his friends.

"Alright then... let's go-"

"Hmmm... Kev why don't you guys go ahead first... I... I want to stay a little bit longer here..." Kevin nodded his head. There's no point forcing Howie to tag along if he wanted to stay a little bit longer to spend some privacy with the nature and of course with Celline.

"Okay but make sure that you don't stay too long alright..."

Howie nodded his head as he made his way back to the fresh grave. Only then he realised that Brian, Leigh, AJ, Sarah and Nick were still standing by the grave. Maybe they were expecting him to come back so they waited for him there.

Brian and Leigh were the first one to make a move and walked towards Howie who heading back to their direction.

"Hey... thanks for coming!" Said Howie as he reciprocated Brian's hands with a manly hug. "Thanks for coming Leigh..." He said as he turned to the lady standing next to Brian.

"Don't mention it Howie... we are sorry for your lost... we really wish that we were here yesterday but..."

"Its okay Leigh... everything has been taken care of..." He continued as he kept looking down the wet ground.

"D... I know that no matter what we said... won't be enough to compare the lost that you're having right now but... I just want to let you know that at any time you need us , we'll be there for you bro..." Continued Brian as he gave Howie a light pat on his back.

"Thanks... so where are you guys staying?" Asked Howie and this time he made an effort to look up and for the first time he saw Leigh was biting her lips to control herself from crying.

"We're staying in the same hotel with Kevin and AJ."

"I see... oh come on Leigh... everything will be fine... don't cry will you? You've got to take care of yourself and the baby... Bri... I think its better that you take Leigh back to the hotel and let her rest-"

"Then what about you?"

"I want to catch up on the things which I've left behind... don't worry I'll be fine..." Said Howie as he hugged Leigh so as to ensure her that things will be fine, just fine even though he had the sudden urge to cry. No, he said to himself. Not now.

"I'm sorry... I... I... just can't help it... I'm sorry..." Leigh's voice kept drifting in and out due to her sobbing.

"Its okay... I know... you must be tired after a long flight... why don't you go back first and take a rest huh?" Leigh nodded her head as she moved back and walked up to her husband.

"You sure you'll be alright D?" Asked Brian in concern again. If its not for Leigh, most probably he would prefer to stay behind and accompanied his friend but he respected Howie's wish to be alone.

Howie nodded his head and the dim glow illustrated in his eyes gave Brian the answer.

"Call me alright if you need anything..."

"I will... thanks for coming!"

"Hey! We are not just friends but we are brothers so... what are brothers for?" Whispered Brian as they hugged each other.

"I think you better go now Bri... take care of Leigh..." Howie whispered back before he stepped backwards to look at Leigh.

"I will... you take care of yourself."

Howie left the couple and resumed his journey back to the grave and he saw AJ, Sarah and Nick were the last few to stay behind.

No one said anything when he kneeled down before the grave, reaching for the wet soil and clutched it hard in his grip. It was clear how delicate and fragile he was at that time, so dainty that any misuse of words could break his heart. They knew how much Howie wanted to cry and that he's holding on a strong front.

"D..." AJ cleared his throat as bent down and squatted next to Howie. He took a moment to study his face. His wavy brown hair seemed to be messy in one way or another, his lively brown eyes dampen with nothing but plain sorrow. He understood that feelings very well, afterall he has gone through the same distress before and the feelings was indescribable.

AJ remembered those rough times he has to gone through when his beloved grandmother passed away, at the time when he needed her most. It was like the end of the world for him. Things weren't easy at first when he tried to get used to the fact that he has lost his best friend but as time passed by, he realised one thing. To live in her memory because to him, she lives forever in his heart, in his mind and in his soul. Nothing and nobody can ever changed that.

How he wish he could share that with Howie. How he wish he could make Howie see that losing someone does not mark the end of the world yet, but instead he has to carry on his living.

"D... I know this may sound stupid but... hey! We are here alright... and I just want you to know that..." Said AJ as he looked up to see Sarah who was wiping away the tears in her eyes. Not a good sight, AJ thought as he averted his attention back to Howie.

"Thanks guys... it means a lot to me..." Muttered Howie as he took a deep breath.

"I've gone through this before D... and I know it hurts, and maybe too, the hurt is not as much as what you are going through but... the living has to go on... and you have to be patience... you can't give up." Continued AJ as one of his hands wrapped around Howie's shoulders while the other supported his weight by pressing on to the ground. Sarah placed her hands on AJ's shoulder giving him all her supports.

"I know... everything... everything happened just too fast for me huh... but anyway, why are you guys still here?" Asked Howie, changing the tone in his voice in trying so hard to hide the grieve in his voice.

"We want to keep you accompany D..." Interjected Nick who has been keeping quiet since just now. His deep blue eyes serenaded his deepest sympathy and condolences to Howie. He was the first one to know about the whole incident when Howie called him after spending hours alone in the hospital. Howie called him to inform about Celline's death and since they lived in the same area, Nick rushed his way to the hospital with Aaron. It was Nick who later informed the others about the heartbreaking news.

"Don't be silly... I'll be fine... you guys don't have to worry about me..." They stared at him wondering if they should take his words seriously or could it means the otherwise.

"D... is there anything we can do to help you... I mean... anything at all?" Asked Sarah as she placed her hands gracefully on Howie's shoulders.

"Its okay Sarah... I'm.. I'm... thanks for coming actually-"

"Hey! Are we strangers or what? Of course we'll be coming... we'll always be there for one another remember?" Snapped AJ as he pushed Howie lightly on his shoulders. He admitted that he was a bit hurt by Howie's remarks. They had promised to be there for one another ever since the day one they got to know each other being members of the Backstreet Boys.

"Jay..." Whispered Sarah as she shook her head indicating a sign for AJ to keep his cool. "D... we are not there when you need us the most so at least... let us do something to help you now..." Howie stood up and looked at Sarah.

"Don't worry Sarah... I know that you guys are concern about me... but really I'll be fine... maybe just a few more days and... I'll be fine, you don't have to worry about me alright..."

"If you say so... but like what Jay said... you still have us in case you need anything... call us okay?" Continued Sarah.

"I will, thanks..." They hugged. "I think its going to rain soon... you guys better get going back to the hotel." Said Howie as he turned back to AJ and then to Nick Carter.

"What about you? Aren't you going back? I mean-" Only then AJ realised that Howie's house was still in a mess due to the earlier incident.

"Nah! I want to stay here a little bit longer... and alone..." AJ and Sarah got the hint well, that he wanted to be left alone so after saying their last prayers, they left the ground leaving only Howie and Nick.

Both of them remained silence. None of them volunteered to make the first move or tried to break the curse of silence. Their eyes stark at the name nicely engraved on the stone. There were thousand and one things that he wanted to say but he wasn't sure if it was a wise decision to do so judging at how sensitive Howie was at that time.

But for Howie, there was nothing he could think of except those last precious moments he spent with her on the phone two days before he came back and saw her lying on the kitchen floor.

As usual he would make a point to call back home to check on Celline whenever he has the time to do so during breaks. Its not that he was having doubts on Celline but after reading a few articles about a group of robbers terrorising his neighbourhood alarmed his fears of leaving her alone. He has left a message to the kind old couple living next door to keep a lookout for Celline and to call him in case if anything crops up. But it just happened that they too, were not in town when that happened in his house.

"Hey lazybum! What are you doing?"

"How about you make a guess Winky?

"Hmmm... let me use my winking power then... muffins?"

"Hey! How did you know that?"

"Coz you only know how to do that!"

"So you're laughing at me now huh? Its okay... anyway... you only have half point for your answer!"

"That's amazing! You mean you are cooking something else too?"

"Of course! I bought this cooking book from this store and it has the same recipe for your favourite dish so... I thought maybe I can cook it for you once you're back-"

"You sure you got all the ingredients correctly? Coz I don't want it to be an hazardous moments for you..."

"Funny huh? Fine... I know you won't believe me so... just wait till you come back to taste it then!"

"You bet!"

"Gosh... I miss you baby..."

"Yeah I miss you too... how I wish you were here with me... you know what Kristine was here the other day and she asked about you."

"Really? How is she? Its been such a long time since I met her!"

"She's doing fine except that she has this brochure for you... she said its a lady thingy."

"Cool! So is she still there?"

"She went back home yesterday and I couldn't get to call you coz we were too busy with the signing sessions and meeting fans."

"Its okay... maybe I'll call her later... so... how's the others doing?"

"Fine! They're doing great here and you know what? Its amazing to see all these fans coming together... and I have this little fan which one of our Japanese fans made it for us... your name and mine on it... its cool!"

"Great! I can't wait to see that! See... you are making me all excited right now!"

"I know! Hmmm..baby..."

"Uh-huh?"

"Once I'm back from this tour... I was thinking of... taking you for a holiday... you know just the two of us and nobody else... and then... I'm going to ask you this question but... nah!"

"Oh come on sweetie! What is it that you want to ask me?"

"Its a surprise... I can't tell you now!"

"Fine! I'll wait for it then... D... I think there's someone at the door... you hold the line will ya?"

"Sure... hey!"

"Huh?"

"Peep through the hole first okay..."

"Oh come on D! You don't have to scare me like that!"

That was the last time he heard her laughing and it still remained vividly in his ears. The line suddenly went dead and despite of a numerous attempts to call her back, the line continued to be engaged. Recalling the whole scene made him felt dizzy again. He pictured a large black buzzards voraciously attacking him and torn him apart.

"She loves surprises..." He uttered softly without looking at the confusion on the young boy's expression who was standing next to him.

"What?" Nick asked. The place looked deserted with only the two of them left at the burial ground.

"Celline loves surprises... she says... it always make her happy... and I know... she was expecting that surprise from me... you know she kept asking me what the surprise is all about but..." Howie stopped. Nick couldn't bring himself to see Howie cried, in fact he couldn't stand the sight of seeing someone cried in front of him. He merely wrapped his arms around Howie's shoulders and gave him a firm wrapped to show how sorry he was. "Do you know what's the surprise Nick?"

Nick shook his head.

"This..." Howie slipped his hand into his coat pocket and took out a small pink box glittered with gold wordings. He then opened the box making himself felt more miserable than ever. "I'm... I've planned to take her out for a vacation... just the two of us... she loves Bahamas very much but we couldn't find the right time to go as yet... so I thought maybe after this tour... we will have all the time in hands... and you know what..." He turned to Nick. "I even planned to propose to her while we're there... I just want to make her happy... I... I just want to spend some quality time with her... but... but she left me... she left me Nick... she left me!" Nick was taken by surprise with Howie's sudden cries. Howie was so weak that he dropped down to his knees and cried his heart out.

Nick wanted to say something to comfort him but so far he has never lost anyone as in death and he's afraid it might worsen the situation. Yes, he lost his grandparents but he was too young back then to suffer the meaning of lost. He played his part well by keeping quiet and let Howie did all the talking, It will make him feel better, he thought. Afterall, he has been keeping those tears and feelings bottling inside him for far too long.

Let him cried his heart out.

They spent almost two hours entertaining their own thoughts when the clapping of thunders forced them to leave the area. Howie was reluctant at first to leave but after much persuasions from Nick only then he agreed to go back home to rest.

"You sure you'll be alright bro?" Nick asked for the fifth time as he parked his car outside the house.

The white and blue ribbon marked with the word POLICE still dangling around the house. At least the nightmare for the whole neighbourhood was over when the group was arrested in a chase and in fact Howie was asked to go to the police station that morning to identify any of his belongings. His heart began to bleed when he saw the gold chain and a pendant with the initial HC was among the belongings found in the bag.

"I will... you take care of yourself alright... its going to rain soon!" He replied as he slammed the car door.

"You sure you don't want me to accompany you?"

"Its okay Nick... I can take care of myself..."

"But-"

"Don't worry... I won't do anything foolish... anyway, you won't miss anything with the mess inside... trust me... I'll be okay... alright?"

Nick do not want to force him so he nodded his head.

"Alright then... but call me if you need someone to talk to or if you need anything and I'll be coming straight away to your doorstep."

"Fine! Fine! Take care bro!"

"Hey!"

"What?"

"You too! Here! I know you haven't take any bite since last night... D, you've got to eat, even if you are not doing it for us, then do it for yourself... I'm sure Celline doesn't even want to see you like this..." Nick handed over a box of noodles he bought at a Chinese restaurant while they were on their way back home.

"Thanks bro!"

"No... problem bro! Bye!"

Howie waved at Nick and waited outside the gate until Nick's car was no longer in sight. Then he turned around to face the house again. The house which used to be all lightened up with the glow in her bright Spanish eyes somehow looked dark and isolated. The place which used to be alive in her laughters seemed to be eluded in stillness.

He sighed.

Every step he took deepened his waves of sorrow. Not only did it bring back all those wonderful times he spent with her in that house but the long waiting in the hospital was torturing him and eventually the truth was out.

"How is she doctor?"

"You are..."

"I'm her fiancee... how is she?"

"Look Sir... we have tried our best but..."

"No, it can't be... you're lying... she can't be..."

"Look Sir... you've got to-"

"Can I see her?"

"Well-"

Even before the doctor could give his permission, Howie dashed inside the room. Nick asked the doctor about the condition and was shocked to know Celline didn't make it through. He was told that her wounds were too deep and furthermore it has been exposed overnight and apart from there, she has been losing a lot of blood.

"Hey lazybum... wake up... you've been very lazy lately huh? You know what the doctor said? How could... how could he say that... that... that you're dead... its impossible isn't it? I mean... how can you die... Remember Bahamas? I've got the tickets for us... and this time, it'll just be you and me and... and... look baby what I've got for you... yeah... this is the surprise I've been keeping from you... don't you want to look at it.. come on baby... open up your eyes and look at it... I'm sorry... I know this should have come earlier but... God! Celline! Wake up! You can't leave me... look... you've promised to be with me... so take my hand now Celline... please... please!" His tears kept on dripping down on her cheeks and her lips. His whole world seemed to crash down drastically that day.

The whipping of breezes from the heavy downpour jerked him back to the house. The place was in a total damage as if a storm had blown through it. The lamps and ashtrays lid broken on the floor, their dark blue couch was slit opened with its stuffing spilling out. Their pictures were pulled for the walls and some were smashed and the broken glasses were scattering all over the place with the other debris.

He walked up the stairs, crushing on some pieces of glasses on the floor as he made his way to the master bedroom.

The wardrobe was ransacked with clothes lying all over the place and the tiny pieces of mirror still intact together with thin lines on them. His lyrics and notes were thrown at one corner of the room. Then he saw her picture on the dressing table.

"Why are you doing all this for me D?"

"Do I still have to say it out to you?"

"Well... at least let me hear it from you..."

"Fine then... because I love you... and I'll do anything to make you happy-"

"Anything?"

"Yeap anything at all!"

"Then stop buying me all these stuff! I'll be more than happy if you promise to love me and care for me for the rest of my life-"

"No... I will always love you and care you like my own for the rest of my life-"

"But baby... life is unpredictable and I'm afraid-"

"What is there to be afraid of?"

"I'm afraid of losing you D... I don't know why but-"

"Ssssh... you are not going to lose me alright... just hold my hands tight and you will know that I'm always there with you-"

"What if you lose me?"

"Wow! Is that suppose to be a threat or what?"

"No... seriously what if you lose me... for instance if I'm dead-"

"What are you talking about now? Nothing will ever happen to you alright and stop saying such things again... you will have a long years ahead... we'll have children and we'll watch them grow together and enjoy our old age together..."

"And who is this we are you talking about?"

"Of course its you and me... you know..."

"Funny! What makes you so sure that I'm going to marry you afterall... this is not a decent proposal you know..."

"Fine! Give me just a little bit more time, let me get everything settled and then I'll bring you to a place where you can never forget and we'll get married there-"

"Yeah right! In your dreams!"

"Do you have to do that?"

"What?"

"You are spoiling the whole romantic mood here!"

"That's the whole purpose! I don't want you to get carried away! Ouch! No! No! Haha.. okay! Okay... I surrender!"

Her laughter was infectious and how it grew inside of him that he began to miss it whenever she's not there with him.

He was about to leave the room when suddenly he accidentally kicked something hard on the floor. It was a file filled with lyrics which he wrote for the Backstreet Boys album. He took it and walked back to his bed.

Howie sat at the edge of the bed and slowly he flipped the papers one by one, until he came upon this piece of paper. He almost couldn't distinguished the faded pencil marks on the paper.

He remembered of spending the entire night writing the lyrics while Celline was fast asleep on the bed. It was meant only for her.

Howie took out the paper from the rest as the song was played in his mind.

Here we are in the arms of one another
and we still go on searching for each other
knowing that hate is wrong and love is right
for us tonight
when I look into your Spanish eyes
I know the reason why I am alive
and the world is so beautiful tonight
It's a place I've never been
and it comes from deep within
and it's telling me that I'm about to win first prize
knowing all I have to do is reach out my hand to you
any time I want to look into your Spanish eyes...

"I'm sorry Celline... I'm sorry..." He whispered as he crawled back to his bed with her chain in his hands.