Coffe Talk

“I was never a big coffee drinker before, you know?” I told him still looking at my cup and suddenly realizing how dumb that sounded. Me asking him if he knew… of course he knows, he knows everything about me.

“Yes I know” See! I told you. “But we’ve changed in so many ways that why not adding that to the list too, right kiddo?”

I looked up at him for the first time since the waiter brought us our coffee and noticed he was smiling at me. That made me feel really good but so sad at the same time. He has this thin scar next to his upper lip now, a constant reminder of what happened to us six months ago, like the ones I see on my own face when I stand in front of a mirror.

“Same list that has shaving in the shower?” I said without even thinking and putting aside the sugar packet I’ve been playing with the whole time. Is it weird that I’m smiling?

“You too? So many years of little routines that I never pictured myself leaving behind. I used to be so anal about my shaving.”

“I used to like the color blue,” I added and he nodded. One of the first conversations we had in the hospital when my jaw finally healed involved colors… red, blue. “And you are anal about everything Kevin, that’s you.” I giggled and he playfully smacked me on the head.

“So, I’m not crazy for not wanting to shave in front of a mirror, right?” I asked him after a moment of silence. “I mean, I see more scars when I’m in the shower than when I’m shaving in front of a mirror but…”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me bab… Nick. You know I’m experiencing most of the same things you are.” I had to smile at him correcting himself because that’s another conversation we had in the hospital when he had already been released and I was still in my way to recovering, well physically recovering at least. I asked him if he has called me by that name that day or if I had dreamt it. It was a touching moment but of course it ended with a couple of jokes. We were at a time when we needed any excuse to laugh because we had cried too much.

“You know, for a guy who is considering himself a heavy coffee drinker now, you have hardly touched the one you have in front of you.” He motioned to my cup with his chin. I haven’t? I looked down. That’s weird. I must be more nervous than the usual or something since he was right, the cup was still full. “And you didn’t finish your coffee yesterday when I caught up with you guys,” he continued.

“Are you keeping tabs on my coffee drinking now, Kevin?” I asked him grabbing a spoon to stir my coffee again, no matter that I hadn’t put any sugar on it.

He laughed. “No, it’s just that…”

“You worry, I know, but don’t, I’m okay… well as okay as we can be.” He nodded. “Yesterday when you arrived to the coffee shop I had already drank like three cups while talking with D and AJ, and the night before I also had too many cups when I went out with Chris and Mike. I though I was gonna puke from all that coffee. That’s funny, you know, I guess I’m addicted to coffee now.”

He gave me what was supposed to be another smile but this one also came out as a smirk. “I didn’t ask you about that meeting with your friends. How it was?”

It sucked.

“It was okay,” I lied, still playing with the spoon.

“You have been avoiding them for so long.”

“Yes, that’s something we do a lot now too, right? Avoid people.” I stared directly into his eyes and I knew I struck a nerve.

“Nick…” The way he said my name, it sounded like he was begging and it kind of made me feel wrong for doing it, but part of me still resented all those weeks he avoided me. After practically become physically attached to me during my recovery, Kevin had gone to phase two of his. He went from staying next to me all the time, sleeping on a chair in my room when I had left the ICU, to hardly ever seeing me when I was released from the hospital. Because part two in Kevin’s dealing with this whole situation, was Kevin realizing how much things were really going to change, and that seemed to be too much for him eventually. At first I thought he was feeling guilty, after all he kept telling me he was sorry like it was his fault, which I know it wasn’t. But then I realized that he was avoiding me for a whole different reason. He hated seeing me looking so scared, especially when I was with him. He doesn’t like this new me that wants to run when strangers approach, because the way I’m acting is a constant reminder that he can’t protect me from everything. The saddest part is that I have had the exact same thoughts at some point. I had thought about the possibility of not ever feeling safe with him anymore, and just thinking of that hurt. I have started to consider that I will never feel safe again at all, period.

“So, are you or aren’t you traveling with us next week?” And just like that I changed the subject. He let go a sigh.

“I don’t know, I mean, I appreciate the guys wanting us to have fun with them, but I kind of just want to stay home.” This time I was the one nodding and understanding exactly what he meant. Howie had come up with the idea that we needed some downtime together, but although Kevin had crossed off the list every place the guys had suggested, he still hadn’t really accepted to go with us.

“Yes, same here. They are not taking no for an answer from me, though. By the way, thanks for making them drop the idea of going to that resort in the mountains, bro.”

“It’s not like I want to go near a ski resort myself.” Maybe, but you didn’t looked as scared as I did when they mentioned it. I thought I was going to pass out at the idea of being in a place where I could bump into someone wearing a ski mask.

“I wonder if we will ever go back to normal.” I licked my spoon. Why didn’t I put some sugar on this thing? “I mean, I used to love skiing, I don’t want to stop living.”

“Don’t worry Nick. Baby steps, you know. I’m sure sometime in the future we will be comfortable in a place like that again, making fun of AJ coming down the mountain on his skis.”

I laughed out loud at that. “A little lame goat drinking water from a tiny pond. That’s the way Brian described how AJ looked every time he fell. His legs kept making this strange thing.”

Now he was laughing too. “Oh God, I had forgotten that. And remember when he drove the snowmobile in reverse gear?”

“Oh yes! Man, we had so much fun shooting that video, except for the storm that caught us in the middle of nowhere, of course.”

“It wasn’t the middle of nowhere Nick; we were like 10 minutes away from the hotel.”

“10 minutes feels like 10 hours when you are walking knee deep in snow in the middle of a storm. I told you guys not to get into that old van but nobody listened to me back then.”

“AJ said you had jinxed it when the van broke down.”

“He loved to torture me back then. And then you decided to walk back to the hotel when they had specifically told us to wait there for another van to pick us up.”

“It was taking forever, and I thought it was stupid when the hotel was so close either way. Didn’t Brian and AJ stay in the van though?”

“Yes, Brian tried to convince me to stay with them but I ran after you. And of course you didn’t want me going with you either and started to walk so fast, like it was a walk on the beach and not a mountain in the middle of a blizzard. It was so hard to keep up with your pace.”

“It wasn’t a blizzard Nick, it was hardly snowing at all. And I did tell you to stay in the car, didn’t I? But you wouldn’t listen to me.”

“Nope, going with you sounded like the best idea right then. I kept telling myself that nothing would happen to me if I was with you.”

His face went dark immediately and I knew his mind had left the happy memories of the first I’ll Never Break your Heart shoot to go back to that horrible place where they found us six months ago.

“I’m sorry” he said almost in a whisper.

“Oh no, not again Kevin.”

“I should have done something.”

I wanted to say so many things but I didn’t know where to start so I just shook my head at him. It’s not like we haven’t had the same conversation over and over. At first I thought it was stupid that he kept feeling guilty but then, that was part of his nature, wanting to protect me.

I looked down at my coffee again trying to think of anything else to say. I had been playing with the spoon the whole time we had been there; the cup was still full of the dark liquid which I think I wouldn’t have tasted if it wasn’t because I licked the spoon. I decided to take a sip for the first time, I went to grab the cup but right then it hit me and I stopped myself from doing it. I guess part of me still refuses to accept that life sucks, the same part of me that refuses to believe Kevin Richardson can’t protect me from everything.

“I still don’t like coffee.”

He looked at me puzzled and I genuinely smiled at him. What at first sounded like a funny idea was starting to sink in and it was making me feel so good that I felt like hugging him right there, which of course would puzzle him even more. For the first time in months I was feeling relaxed, couldn’t believe that all this was coming from a cup full of coffee.

“Okay I know you are random but you definitely lost me with that, Nick.”

“You know why I keep drinking coffee Kevin? Is a way to keep me alert, or so I have tried to convince myself. If I relax myself something bad can happen so I need to be alert, I need the coffee but I really don’t like it… man, I think I hate it.” And with that I finally put it aside and leaned back on my chair. “The funny thing is that I have been drinking it a lot the last months except when you are with me. When you are around for some reason I never finish a cup. I didn’t notice it until you mentioned it but now I know that not everything has changed Kevin. There are things that will never change.”

He opened his mouth to say something, still looking confused, but the waiter chose that minute to approach so whatever he was thinking he couldn’t say it.

“Everything’s fine? Do you need something else?”

“Could you take away this coffee” I said without taking my eyes off of Kevin.

“Do you need a new one, sir? This one must be cold.”

“Nah, I don’t need coffee today. I think I’ll have a sundae with my big bro.”

Kevin game me the biggest smile right then and for a minute, I swear, I thought the scar had disappeared.