“Nick, I understand you have a daughter,” the man interviewing us smiled in my direction. I plastered a smile on my face and nodded. “What’s her name?”

“Yes, I do. Her name’s Lanie,” I nodded with a smile. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my little girl. But I barely knew anything about her. I only saw her whenever I was in Tampa.

“That’s a beautiful name. How old is she?” The reporter continued. So far, so good. I knew all these answers.

“She’s almost four,” I continued and folded my hands in my lap.

“Aw, how adorable!” The man exclaimed. That confirmed it for me. He had to be gay. “So you know all her favorites; her favorite TV show, her favorite movie, her favorite color, her favorite food…” the man trailed off. “You know, I have a son her age. He loves that new movie Cars. What’s her favorite movie?”

I bit my tongue hoping it would send some kind of message to my brain. “Uh, you know?” I tried to think of something quickly. “I’m not even sure these days. I mean, you know kids. Their favorite thing changes one day to the next.” Phew, nice save, Carter.

“Ah, I know what you mean,” he chuckled. As the interview continued I was thankfully let off the hook. As we reached the exit I saw Baylee run towards Brian.

“Daddy!” Baylee exclaimed as Brian swooped him up in his arms and spun him around. “Superman!” Baylee cheered loudly as his dad flew him around in the air as if he were Superman.

A smile crept over my lips and I watched as Leighanne came into view. “Hey, Nick,” she nudged me. “Shelby called here earlier. She asked me to have you call her back. She sounded kind of upset.”

I groaned and rolled my eyes. “Of course she sounded upset. When isn’t she upset?” I muttered.

“Nick, I mean it. She really sounded frantic,” Leighanne took Baylee from Brian’s arms.

“Is everything okay?” Brian asked, concerned. Leighanne just shrugged. “Nick, maybe you should head back to the buses and try her cell or something.”

“Nah,” I shrugged it off. “I’ll call her tonight when we get back to the hotel. Right now I just want to go out and have some fun.”

I watched Brian roll his eyes and look to Leighanne. She just shrugged. I let them roll off my shoulders as I headed back to the bus. AJ mentioned some new club in town. We wanted to go out with Kevin and celebrate a few more times before he headed back home for the last time. Shelby could wait.

Shelby James. She used to be known as Shelby James-Carter. Yeah, we were married. It lasted two years. She became pregnant and we decided to get married. Right after we were married, our daughter, Lanie, was born. I was off touring quite a bit and working on my solo thing and Shelby was hurt. We both said some things we didn’t mean, and ever since, I only see her whenever she drops Lanie off or vice versa.

“Nick, what do you want to drink, man?” Howie asked me for what had to have been the third time, at least.

“Oh, sorry,” I snapped away from my thoughts. “Uh, I’ll take a coke and rum.” I said simply and looked back down at the napkin. “Where’s Bri?”

“Baylee wasn’t feeling well tonight so he stayed in the hotel room with him and Leigh,” Kevin explained loudly over the music. I rolled my eyes. “Nick, don’t be an ass. Once you have a kid, things change.” He said quicker than he thought.

“Hey, I have a kid, ya know,” I shot back. “Things didn’t change for me.”

“That’s because you wouldn’t let them,” AJ jumped in. I frowned at both of them.

“What the hell? You two would rather stand up for Shelby over me?” I looked at the both of them incredulously. “I can’t believe either of you.”

“We weren’t standing up for her, Nick,” AJ rolled his eyes. “We were trying to make things clearer for you.”

“Whatever,” I muttered and stood up to find two blondes waving and smiling from the bar. I winked and headed over to dance with them as Howie returned with the drinks.

“What’s he doing?” I heard Howie ask.

“Being himself,” Kevin yelled over the music again. I knew he did it purposely so I would hear. As I approached the blondes, I heard Leighanne yelling my name. What was she doing here? I spun around and saw her hurrying through people and trying to get to me.

“Leighanne, what are you doing here? I heard Baylee wasn’t feeling well and you were back at the hotel…” I frowned. She looked frantic and flustered.

She was out of breath from running, but she pulled me close so I could hear her. “You need to call Shelby…now.”

I dialed the number on my cell phone and listened to it ring. Leighanne wouldn’t tell me why I needed to call Shelby, she just said it was an emergency. I didn’t really know what to expect. “Hello?” I heard a soft voice on the other side.

“It’s Nick,” I muttered and rubbed my temples. I sat down on a step in an alley to try and get a little privacy.

“Took you long enough,” she muttered with anger dripping from her words. Even through the anger, I could hear the sadness and pain in her voice.

“What do you want?” I muttered through gritted teeth. “Why was Leighanne in such a hurry to get to me?”

“It’s Lanie,” Shelby whispered so I could barely hear her. “She’s sick.” She cried.

“What does she have?” I sighed. “The flu? A cold? What do you want me to do, send you ten bucks in the mail for child Tylenol?”

“Damn you, Nick,” she muttered through gritted teeth. “She has leukemia, you bastard.”

I swear, I thought my heart stopped. “S-She has what?” I stuttered.

“Leukemia,” Shelby sobbed on the other end. “It’s bad, Nick. They're doing tests now.”

“What the fuck, Shelby,” I slammed my fist into the brick wall. “Shit.” I muttered as I watched the blood drip. “Where are you?”

“I-In California,” she hiccupped. “With your sister.”

I ran the bloody hand through my hair. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I could barely process my words. “Which one?” I tried not to cry.

“BJ,” she whispered. I felt safe knowing that Shelby had at least taken Lanie somewhere that I felt comfortable - at home. “Where are you?”

“I’m in Sacramento. I’m going to leave on my tour bus now and head home,” I said. I could hear her crying in the background. “Shelby?” I asked as I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“Yeah?” I heard her ask, again in a whisper.

“I’m really sorry for being such an asshole,” I closed my eyes as I let a tear fall.

I waited for her to come back with saying something as simple as goodbye or even ‘screw you’. But instead, “It’s okay, Nick. I’m sorry for being a bitch.” It was a whisper, and it wasn’t exactly a time to be happy, but all I could do was smile. “I need you here.” I think she was hoping she’d whisper so softly that would be inaudible, but it wasn’t.

“I’ll be there soon,” I whispered back. After we said goodbye, we both hung up and I went to find the boys and Leighanne.

“Holy shit, Nick! What happened to your hand?” AJ yelled as I walked back into the club. “And are you crying?”

“I need to leave. I need to tell you guys something,” I said and motioned for the door. All the boys and Leighanne followed me out. Leighanne was the only one who knew and put a comforting hand on my shoulder. “I need to go to LA right now. I talked to Shelby and, uh…” this was going to be harder than I thought. “Lanie has…leukemia.” I spat out the word as it left a sour taste in my mouth.

“A-As in cancer?” Howie swallowed hard as I nodded and let my tears fall freely.

“I need to go to LA to be with her and Shelby,” I cried. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, man,” Kevin shook his head and wrapped his arms around me. “We’ll all go back for a day or two and be with you and them. This isn’t going to be easy.”

I nodded in Kevin’s shoulder. I knew this was going to be the time that I needed them the most. They were my rocks. They kept me going each day. And I was sure that would need to wear off on Shelby.

I practically sprinted through the automatic doors and to the lobby counter at the hospital. When I had gotten home, BJ left a note on the counter that read: At the hospital. “Hi, I’m Nick Carter. My daughter’s Lanie Carter. Can you tell me what room she’s in?” I rambled off frantically. The woman looked at the computer and nodded.

“She’s on the second floor in the children’s cancer center. Room 203,” she smiled warmly. I swallowed sourly and wondered how anyone could smile when directing a father to their child’s cancer room.

“T-Thank you,” I stammered as I headed for the elevator with Brian on my tail. We decided it may be a little too much to have all of the guys come to the hospital. The boys decided on taking shifts, basically. “Thanks for coming with me, Bri.” I whispered as we reached the elevator. “To be honest, I’m not really sure how it’s all going to go down.” I tried to hide the tears in my eyes. Brian put a hand on my shoulder.

“You and Shelby are going to get through this,” he told me firmly. “You’re going to have to set aside the issues you have with each other and just be there for a while. Maybe this will pull you two together.” He shrugged.

As the elevator stopped on the second floor and the doors opened, I could see Shelby clearly. She was curled up in a chair with her hands through her hair. Her fingers were raked through her hair as she sat there and stared at the floor. I saw BJ pacing in front of her. I didn’t know what to do, so my feet began to talk for me as they ran towards her. I stooped down in front of her and put my hands on her knees. She nearly jumped up. I had never seen her like this. Her eyes were so puffy I wasn’t sure how she could even see anymore. Her face was still damp with tears and her hair was all over the place. She had on an old FSU t-shirt and matching sweat pants with flip flops.

Acting upon instinct, I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her out of the chair and onto my lap. “How is she?” I whispered in her hair as I let her cry in my arms.

“She’s so sick, Nick. I‘ve never seen her like this before. That’s what kills me the most,” she sobbed in my shirt. I couldn’t help my tears, now. I let them fall right there with her. “She’s completely out of it and the doctor said there isn’t anything I can do about it.”

“Shell, just breathe for a few seconds, kay?” I sighed and just held her there. I won’t lie. It was awkward being with her again. Whenever Lanie would get transported between Shelby’s place or my place, we rarely spoke. Whenever we did speak, it usually wasn’t anything polite.

“Are the parents of Lanie Carter here?” A man in a long white coat approached the front entrance of the hallway. Shelby’s head flew off my shoulder and she used me for a balance as she quickly came to her feet.

“We’re Lanie’s parents,” she responded to him. He tried to give us a small smile to comfort us, but there wasn’t much that would be comforting.

“I’m Doctor Michaels. I’ll be Lanie’s doctor for while she’s here with us at Children’s Center for Cancer,” he said softly.

“With us?” Shelby jumped. “Y-You mean, she’s going to die?” She barely choked out. I had to hold the feeling of nausea building up my throat back so I wouldn’t throw up all over the doctor and his clean, shiny floor.

“Oh, no, no, Mrs. Carter,” he quickly tried to rephrase what he was going to say. I didn’t even bother correcting him on the fact that Shelby and I were no longer married. “We have very high hopes for your daughter. What I meant was, we will only want to keep her here through her chemotherapy. Once she, hopefully, reaches remission, we will let her go back home and just be an outpatient.” He explained. Shelby gripped my hand in need of support and I squeezed it back. “That’s, actually, what I wanted to come out here to talk to you about. We need to discuss the planning process and her chemotherapy. Follow me, please.” He smiled, again, and led us towards an office. I still couldn’t understand why all these people kept these damn smiles on their faces when all I could seem to do was cry.

“Basically, your daughter is at the perfect age, if there is one, to have this disease. She’s almost four. Most four-year-olds that I have seen with this form of Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia, also known as ALL, come out fine. The treatment process lasts about two to three years,” he explained.

“Two to three years?” I asked, shocked. “Will it really take that long?”

“I know it sounds like a long time, Mr. Carter. But most cancer patients spend five years or more in treatment before they reach remission,” he thought he was making us feel better, but he really wasn’t.

“The treatment consists of mainly chemotherapy. There are a bunch of other drugs that we use to adjust her to the chemo before jumping in to a full blown-out chemistry session,” I wanted to lean over the table and pull his damn stethoscope so he was face to face with me and tell him to crack one more cancer joke and see what happened. He coughed a little, obviously aware that we weren’t laughing. “But like I said, I’m sure she’s going to be fine.”

We exited the office to go back and finally see Lanie. “I don’t like him.” Shelby muttered as we walked down the bleach-smelling hallway full of parents and friends, worried sick about their family just like we were.

“I know,” I sighed. I put my arm around her back comfortingly as we approached Lanie’s room. BJ had been sitting in there keeping her company while we were with the doctor.

“Look, there’s mommy and daddy,” BJ smiled at us. I tried so hard to swallow back my tears and form a smile over my cracked lips.

“Hey baby,” I whispered. She looked so pale. Her big blue eyes and long blonde curly hair reminded me of a Precious Moments porcelain doll. Lanie and I walked over to her bed and each took a side to sit on as BJ exited.

“Daddy!” Lanie exclaimed and reached her arms out to hug me. I let out a little half sob, half laugh and reached down to hug her tightly before she saw my tears. Shelby put her hand on my back and as I looked up, I saw the tears in her eyes. “I missed you, daddy.”

“I missed you too, baby girl,” I whispered. “I’m so sorry you aren’t feeling good, honey. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to keep you safe.”

“It’s okay, daddy,” she said maturely. I smiled and let her go gently back on her pillow. “Can you come home with me and mommy?”

“Honey, you have to stay at the hospital for a little while,” Shelby cut in before I had a chance to even defend myself. “But mommy and daddy are going to stay here with you, okay?” Lanie nodded and reached up to hold Shelby’s hand. Shelby smiled through her tears and brought the little hand up to her lips to kiss. “I don’t want you to be scared, okay?”

“I’m not scared,” Lanie said proudly. Shelby and I both smiled at her bravery. “But mommy, my tummy hurts.” She rubbed her stomach with her other hand.

“I know, baby,” Shelby leaned down to place a kiss on her forehead. “I know. But listen, how about you try to get some sleep, kay? I’ll come in to check on you in a little bit.”

“Okay. Goodnight,” she closed her big blue eyes and I watched the tears cascade down Shelby’s face. I felt numb until I realized my own tears were quickly falling down my cheeks.

“Night, angel,” Shelby whispered and kissed her once more before getting up. I leaned down and kissed her, too.

“I love you,” I whispered and walked out with Shelby. Once we made it into the waiting room, we collapsed together on two uncomfortable chairs. I put my hand on Shelby’s and we intertwined our fingers together. “I’m here for you.” I whispered so she knew that I truly was there for her.

“I know,” she whispered. “But you wanna know what’s really amazing?” She looked over at me. I nodded and a small grin curved up the corners of her mouth. “We’ve spent almost an hour together and I haven’t wanted to kill you or call you an asshole yet.”

She was right. It was amazing.

My eyes barely opened as I felt someone rubbing my shoulder. “Mr. Carter? Excuse me, Mr. Carter.” I frowned and glanced up at the man in the lab coat. I rubbed my eyes with a yawn and looked down at the head on my chest. Shelby and I had fallen asleep in probably the most uncomfortable position possible. The chairs both had armrests, but yet she ended up leaning over an armrest with her head on my chest. I was sitting sideways in the chair with my head against the wall. I glanced down at my watch. 1:45 in the morning.

“Yeah?” I whispered and turned toward him with concern all over my face.

“Listen, Mr. Carter. I’m really sorry to wake you,” the man whispered. “We tried to let ya’ll stay here for the night since your daughter’s been brought in, but technically you aren’t supposed to be here since she hasn’t started chemo yet and there really isn’t any danger at this point. Visiting hours were up a long time ago, and my supervisor spotted you and asked me to wake you and your wife.”

I sighed and nodded that I understood. Shelby was not going to be happy about leaving Lanie, but there wasn’t much we could do. “Shell,” I whispered and shook her shoulder gently. “Shelby, wake up.” She stirred and moaned, but reluctantly brought her head up off my chest.

“Hmm?” she frowned.

“Shelby, we have to leave. Visiting hours were up a long time ago,” I explained what the man had just said.

“Sorry, Miss,” the man said sympathetically.

“But my baby’s here,” she moaned with a frown creased over her brow. “I’m not leaving Lanie here by herself.”

“Mrs. Carter, we open back up at seven in the morning. There’s a hotel across the street. I suggest you go and check in now and then come back in five and a half hours,” the man said.

“I-I’m not leaving,” Shelby began to get upset. I rubbed her shoulder sympathetically.

“I know you don’t want to go, Shell,” I whispered. “But he reassured me Lanie’s going to be fine. They haven’t started chemo yet so all she’s going to do for the next five and a half hours is sleep.”

“What if she wakes up and I’m not there, Nick? She’s only three-years-old, for God’s sake,” Shelby muttered, getting angry. “You go and find Dr. Michaels.” She commanded the man to do. “You tell him that we are not leaving. I can’t leave her here.” Tears were welling in her eyes. I sighed and stood up and faced the man.

“Ask him if there’s any way we could stay here. We can go and sleep in her room so we’re out of the way. Just…please check and see if we can stay,” I tried to say as calmly as possible. The man nodded and walked away to go and find his supervisor. I turned back towards Shelby, who was now in tears.

“I can’t leave her, Nick,” she sobbed as I reached out and pulled her into a hug. “I can’t give up on her.”

“Shhh,” I tried to calm her down. “Just relax, Shell. I understand. I know.” I ran my fingers through her hair as a soothing gesture. “Just relax.” I repeated. “We’re not giving up on anything.”

She nodded against my chest and I felt her breathe heavily. I let my chin rest on the top of her head and closed my eyes. Shelby and I hadn’t been able to get along this well for years. It was weird. They say, unfortunately, something good can’t happen until something bad does. In this case it was true. As much as I resented Shelby for keeping Lanie all the time and always asking me for things, I felt so safe with her in my arms. She was the only other person that could possibly understand what I was going through at that very moment.

“Mr. Carter?” The man returned to my side. “You and your wife are free to stay in your daughter’s room. You just can’t come out or make a sound until seven A.M in the morning.” He whispered and walked away.

“Thank you,” I called softly after him. “Come on, let’s go get some rest.” I said and we walked into the room. Lanie was still sound asleep. Shelby quietly found her way to the bed and scooted Lanie over.

“Shhh, it’s okay, baby,” she soothed. I watched from a chair as she shook off her shoes and lied still next to Lanie, cradling her in her arms. She closed her eyes and fell asleep as I rested my head on a wall in a chair at the end of the bed and found a little comfort knowing my daughter and her mother were sleeping in front of me.

As the sun came in through the blinds, I opened my eyes only to have them burn from exhaustion. I hadn’t gotten much sleep and even when I finally found sleep, it wasn’t peaceful. I turned my attention to the bed where Shelby was laying, eyes open, just running her fingers through Lanie’s beautiful blonde hair. A tear slipped out of the corner of her eye.

“How is she?” I whispered.

“She’s sleeping,” she whispered back. “But she made it through the night really well, as far as I can see. She seems so peaceful. It’s hard to believe there’s this horrible disease inside of her.”

I got out of the chair and walked towards her. “We’re gonna make it through this, Shell.” I whispered and I put my hand on her back reassuringly. “I’m going to do whatever I can to help. I’m not going to walk away.”

She looked at me, utterly shocked. “Really? The famous Nick Carter is gonna stick it out this time?” She questioned. I sucked in a deep breath. She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Sorry. It slipped.”

“I understand,” I nodded. “I’m going to go and see if this place has any coffee. What time is it?” I asked, making sure we weren’t breaking any rules.

“7:15,” she said. I walked out and sighed heavily. Coffee wasn’t what was on my mind. I just needed to get out of that room. I grabbed my cell phone from my back pocket and dialed Brian’s cell number. Through the visit with the doctor the night before, I had honestly forgotten that my best friend had come with me.

“Hello?” I heard him yawn.

“Shit,” I muttered. “Sorry Bri, I totally forgot what time it is,” I muttered and rubbed my hand over my eyes. “I was just calling to say how sorry I was I kinda ditched you last night.”

“Totally expected, bro,” Brian said. “No apology necessary. The guys and I are all across the street from the hospital. If you think Lanie and Shelby are up for it, we all want to come by and visit for a while later on in the morning.”

“That would be awesome,” I smirked at how my friends really did stick by my side during this hard time. “I’m sure Lanie would love to see all of you guys again. Shelby could use the cheering up, too.”

“How about you?” Brian asked. “How’s everything taking a toll on you?”

“I’m fine,” I lied through my teeth. No one needed to know I was struggling. I needed to be there for my family…especially Lanie. Her and Shelby needed me now more than ever and I wasn’t going to let myself run away. Not this time.

“Nick, don’t lie to me,” Brian said softly. “I know you better than you must think. Your daughter has cancer, for God’s sake. I’m here for you, man.”

“I know you are,” I nodded and tried to stop the word ‘cancer’ from playing over and over again in my head. “But hey, just come by in a few hours whenever all the guys are up and awake. We’re in the same room, 203.”

“Alright,” Brian sighed, giving up on talking to me about my feelings. I figured he would return to the conversation at a later date. “We’ll be there later.”

“Okay, thanks,” I sighed. And with that, I hung up. As soon as I did, the nausea returned to my stomach. I had to find a way to shut it off. I had to be strong. I had to wear a mask.

I watched through the window as Shelby cradled Lanie’s head in her hands. She bent forward and kissed her forehead gently. “You have a very beautiful daughter and wife,” an older nurse smiled at me as she watched me watch them.

“Oh, we’re divorced,” I admitted for the first time without really thinking. Ever since the divorce, Shelby and I had just rambled off the fact we were no longer together without really thinking. It was automatic.

“Wow,” the nurse seemed impressed. “It’s amazing that you two are here together. That’s always the saddest thing to see…little children in broken homes. Usually the mother will come one day and the father will come the next. Never at the same time,” the woman shook her head in disgust. “People don’t realize how important it is for the children to be with the parents together. I honestly believe it keeps the kids strong,” she shrugged her shoulders in a, but-what-do-I-know fashion.

I didn’t really know what to say in response to that. Instead I nodded with a small smile. “Do you know where I could get some coffee?” I asked her politely. She grinned, obviously aware I was uncomfortable talking about Shelby, and directed me to the cafeteria.

I sighed and took a deep breath as I opted out of taking the elevator and took the stairs instead. As I pushed open the door leading from the stairwell to the main floor of the hospital, I was shocked to see all the familiar faces. To my surprise, though I wasn’t thrilled, stood all of Shelby’s family. Her mom and dad, her younger sister and her younger sister’s husband. My brother and BJ were standing there with them, telling them something as they waited for the elevator.

“There’s Nick now,” BJ stopped talking a smiled in my direction. All six faces stared in my direction -- including Shelby’s parents’, who both hated me ever since the divorce.

“H-Hi,” I stammered and watched as they all approached me.

“Where’s my grandbaby?!” Shelby’s mom, Alicia McKinney, cried out with tears stringing down her face and fresh tears flooding her brown eyes.

“She’s asleep,” I answered softly as my mouth went dry. I wasn’t ready for all the outside attention. Shelby and I were doing just fine handling this all on our own. “Shelby’s sleeping with her right now. They’re in room 203. I’m on my way to get coffee.” I tried to excuse myself from the situation.

“Nick, bro, are you okay?” Aaron grabbed me by my forearm and I reluctantly turned to face him and nodded. I shook off the feeling of uneasiness and shrugged.

“I’m fine,” I lied. BJ knew I wasn’t. She had seen me when I was so upset, and knowing her amazing gossiping tactics, she had probably told the rest of the world that her big brother broke down in tears at the thought of his daughter having cancer. “I’ll be up in a little bit.” I expressed my need to get away and made my way into the cafeteria. I ran shaky fingers through my hair and let out a loud sigh.

I sat down at a sticky table and began to stir the mixture in my cup. “Mind if I join you?” I heard her soft voice behind me. I turned my head around so I could see her. She looked just as mentally and physically exhausted as I did, if not, more. “Everyone wanted to see her and the room got pretty cramped…so I thought I’d come down here to find you.”

I nodded and turned back around as she sat down across from me. She sighed and looked around the hospital cafeteria, full of people with “Get Well” balloons. There were so many sick kids in this place, it made me want to throw up. “I can’t believe we’re here.” She whispered, almost so softly I could barely hear her.

“I know,” I sighed and shook my head. Sure, it was small talk. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to go into an in-depth conversation with her about this. Maybe this was what I needed. “I keep asking myself…” I started off. I watched as her expression changed from sadness to curiosity as she listened to me. “Why me? Why my--” I stopped myself before continuing. “Why our daughter?” I watched her lips turn up in a small grin.

“Funny, I’ve been thinking the same thing over and over again,” she shook her head. “I keep asking myself what I did wrong. Was it something I fed her? Was it a shot I didn’t take her to the pediatrician to get?” She frowned and I watched more tears fill her eyes. I wasn’t sure I had any tears left inside of me. “I know it sounds stupid, but I just can’t stop the questions.” She sighed. I reached across the table and took her hands in mine, glad she had opened up to me like she did.

“Hey,” I said to get her attention. “You are an amazing mom. You didn’t do anything wrong, Shell. For some strange reason this happened to us. But I swear to you we are going to get through it.” I said and gave her hand a squeeze.

She returned the gesture and smiled across the table. Then, leaving a look of shock on my face, she whispered, “I missed you.”

“So…how did you figure out about the cancer?” I finally managed to ask. Shelby and I had been talking for about twenty minutes now, and I was curious as to how they had found out Lanie was sick.

Shelby swallowed all the sadness she had in her. “I knew you would ask,” she sighed. “And I definitely don’t blame you for wanting to know…it’s just…I’ve been dreading this moment.” She paused again and glanced down at her hands, almost for some kind of reassurance. “It’s been a few months, ago. I’ve been in and out of the pediatrician’s office so frequently, I swear I think my insurance has wanted to drop me.” She sighed. “She’s been having fevers a lot lately and she’s been nauseous. I was worried that she had a really bad case of the flu or worse, she was suffering from appendicitis or something. I read somewhere that with appendicitis there’s usually a fever and the patient is usually nauseous…” she trailed on.

“Shelly--” I slipped up by calling her by a nickname I had called her when we were together. My mouth hung open as she watched me turn red. “Sorry, it slipped. We haven’t really had this long of a conversation in a while…I guess I just let the memories turn into reality…”

“It’s okay,” she shook her head. “I know this is weird for us, Nick. I mean, for God’s sake, we haven’t been able to have a ten minute conversation civilly for years. Not only are we trying to get used to the fact that our daughter has cancer, but the fact that we have to talk to each other again.”

Her last statement kinda threw me. I didn’t feel like we had to talk to each other. I mean, like that nurse had said. We could have completely ignored each other and come in on separate days to spend time with Lanie. But no. Of course I drove in immediately to see Lanie, but I really wanted to be there for Shelby. “I-I agree.” Was all I could manage to say.

“I mean, this is all so new to me,” she sighed and shook her head. “And, to you, of course.” She nodded towards me. “I just…it’s been so long since I’ve talked to you.” She seemed so confused. I didn’t blame her…honestly. I felt the same way she did. “And things at home have been crazy lately. I think I’m probably losing my job at the hospital--” She began, but I cut her off.

“Wait, what?” I frowned. “Why in the world would they fire you? They need nurses more than ever now.”

“Ask them,” she sighed and shook her head. “I’ve been so busy lately. When Lanie started getting sick, I would constantly call in sick or need to come in late. I felt bad enough as it was always leaving her. My mom thinks it’s for the best because I can spend more time with her. But I just don’t know what I’m gonna do…” I knew she wanted to say “financially” but she wouldn’t.

“Here,” I pulled out my wallet to see what I had in it. She put her hand on mine and shook her head.

“No,” she pushed it away. “I don’t need the money, Nick. But thank you.” She smiled. I shook my head and tried to hand it to her again.

“Think of it as an early child support payment,” I shrugged. “You take care of Lanie most of the time. The least I could do was hand over some money, especially if you’re struggling.”

“I’m not struggling,” she shook her head to reassure me. I sighed and put the money away, determined I would get it to her somehow or another. “I just don’t know what I’m going to do.” Her shoulders slumped down and her face looked down at the table for support.

I squeezed her hand again. “I know I’ve said this already…but it’s going to be okay,” I said, not completely sure of myself. “Listen, let’s just take it one day at a time.” She nodded. “I know you’re worried. I’m worried, too. But we both need some sleep. How about tonight we go across the street to that hotel they were telling us about?” I realized after I said it how wrong it sounded. “I mean, we could get a suite with two beds and I’ll take care of everything.” I quickly explained.

“I don’t know if I can leave Lanie. But you go, Nick,” she, luckily, didn’t catch on to what I had said.

“Lanie is going to be fine,” I said firmly. “The doctor isn’t starting chemo until this weekend. You aren’t going to be able to take care of her until you get more sleep.”

She seemed unsure, but reluctantly, she agreed. “Fine. We’ll stay in the hotel tonight.”

“Please, if anything happens…anything at all, give us a call,” I could tell Shelby was really hesitant to leave Lanie. I didn’t blame her, to be honest. I was hesitant to leave, too. But I knew we needed to. Both Shelby and I were mentally and physically exhausted.

“Mrs. Carter, we will call if we notice any changes in your daughter’s case. But right now, all she needs is sleep. And I can assure you that you’ll feel much better tomorrow if you get some sleep as well,” the doctor reassured us. Shelby nodded and pulled her hair back in a high pony tail. I sighed as we walked out of the hospital, making our way towards the hotel.

“How are we supposed to do this, Nick?” She asked me softly. The streetlights and headlights from the cars lit the sky so we could see our way to the hotel. At first, I didn’t understand what she was asking me.

“What do you mean?” I frowned.

“This. Cancer. How are we supposed to do this?” She questioned again. It was a valid question; I hadn’t really come up with an answer yet. Honestly, the whole day-by-day thing was working for me.

“I-I don’t know, Shell,” I mumbled and kicked at a rock on the ground. “It’s only the second day. I mean, I don’t really know what’s going to happen just yet. I think we really need to just stay strong for Lanie. That’s all I can think of.”

“Who’s supposed to be strong for us?” She managed to muster under her breath as we finished crossing the road. I glanced down at her sympathetically. Shelby and I had a rough relationship – one where we knew we needed to at least stay in touch for Lanie’s sake, but also one where (for some reason) we couldn’t stand eachother. I was thankful every day that Shelby kept me in Lanie’s life, but I wondered why Shell and I couldn’t work out our differences. Hell, most days I wondered how those differences even started in our lives.

“I’m strong for you,” I nudged her gently. “I know we’ve had a rough time the past few years, Shell. But I want you to know that I love Lanie more than anything. And you’re the woman that gave me Lanie. I’m going to be here for you forever…” So it may have sounded corny; it made have sounded cliché. But it was the honest truth.

In the small glow from a streetlight above, I glanced down and saw tears in her eyes. “Damn, I thought there weren’t any tears left,” she tried to joke. “Thank you…” she mumbled softly afterwards. It seemed as though there was more there she wanted to say, but instead we walked through the automatic doors and up to the front desk.

After getting the key to the room, we made our way to the elevators. “BJ said she’d bring us both clean clothes tomorrow morning whenever she came back to the hospital. So we can probably just shower then.”

“Okay,” Shelby nodded as we got in the elevator and I pushed the button for the second floor. “I’d really like to be at the hospital tomorrow right at seven…Lanie’s an early riser and I don’t want her to wake up and us not be there.” A smirk formed over my lips. “What?” She smirked back. I was glad she could finally smile – her smile was absolutely breathtaking.

“Nothing,” I shrugged. “I just think you’re an amazing mom. And I appreciate you saying ‘us’ and not just wanting you to be there…” I really did want to be apart of Lanie’s life more. Especially now that she was sick. What kind of a father was I to never be there for my own daughter? She was everything to me, and the past few days had honestly made that more clear to me.

“I’m not an amazing mom,” Shelby shook her head. “And of course I included you. Nick, to be perfectly honest with you, I’m really surprised you came back. I was worried you wouldn’t care because I know I can be a pain in the ass sometimes…”

She was right. She could be a pain in the ass sometimes. But I knew I, too, could be quite a pain. As the elevator stopped, we lowered our voices so we wouldn’t wake anyone else.

“Shell, we’ve both had our faults together and raising Lanie, okay? But let’s just make a deal…” I began. She watched intently as I opened the door to the hotel room and closed it behind us. “Let’s work on ‘us’ as well as our relationship with Lanie the next few weeks. I think this will bring us all closer together, and that way we can stop blaming ourselves or each other for everything. Because nothing that ever happened was one hundred percent your fault or mine.”

She smiled and nodded. “I like that idea.” She said softly. I smiled and opened my arms to her for a hug. She stepped into them and held on tightly. “Just promise me something…” she whispered.

“Anything,” I whispered back.

“I really need you right now,” she admitted. “I can’t do this by myself or even with my family, because they don’t understand the situation like you and I do. Promise me you won’t leave?”

I smiled. She felt the same way I did. The two of us did have one thing in common at this point; our daughter was sick and needed both of us to be there for her. “I promise.”

“Shell,” I whispered softly and shook her shoulder gently. She began to stir a little, and then her eyes flew open.

“Is everything okay?” Her voice was raspy from sleeping. She leaned up on her elbows. Since we didn’t have any clean clothes yet, she was in what she had been for the past two days. The Shelby I used to know would never allow herself to go more than one day without clean clothes.

“Everything’s fine,” I reassured her and tucked a strand of her long brown hair behind her ear. “It’s 6:30. I know you said you wanted to be at the hosptial when it opened so we can see Lanie.” I reminded her. I was surprised, myself, that I had gotten up voluntarily. I wasn’t usually the earlier riser, but I wasn’t able to get a real full-night’s rest. So that made it harder to sleep and stay asleep.

“Oh, right,” she nodded and threw the sheets off her body. “This is the longest I’ve ever stayed in the same outfit.” She giggled. “Except for when Lanie was born…” she smiled, thinking back to those days. “They made me stay in that ridiculous gown for three days straight.” She shuddered.

I chuckled. “I remember…” and I did remember. I remembered every moment from that day.

3:03 am. “N-Nicky?” I heard her soft, worried voice for about the fifth time now. I frowned in my sleep and slowly opened my eyes.

“What is it?” I yawned, somewhat frustrated that I was being woken up. I had to work the next day.

“I-I think I’m having the baby…” she whispered softly, her eyes full of tears. Her hand was gripping her large stomach and she slowly tried to roll out of bed.

“You think? Or you are?” Okay, so maybe it was an asshole comment to make, but he and Shelby hadn’t really been getting along lately.

“Nick, now is not the time to fuck with me,” Shelby cried. “I’m really scared and if you’re not going to be here for me, then I need you to call my mom so she’ll be supportive.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled and rolled my eyes. “Come on, I’ll get the bag.” I rolled out of bed. It still hadn’t really hit me that Shelby was giving birth to our baby. “Okay, do you need anything?” I watched her slowly make her way to the stairs.

“Just help me get down the stairs…” she mumbled as she concentrated on each step. I put an arm around her to steady her and then held her hand with my other to lead her down the stairs.

“Just breathe, Shelly,” I whispered. It was all becoming more real. With each step she took, she squeezed my hand harder. “We’re gonna get through this.”

Through the pain and the fear, she smiled up at me.

“I think I’ll probably just shower after I get some fresh clothes from BJ,” Shelby interrupted my thoughts. I nodded and agreed that I’d probably do the same. “They start her chemo today…” she whispered. As I watched her in the mirror, I saw the tears glisten in her eyes.

I walked up behind her and gently tugged on her hand for her to turn towards me. “I know how hard this is, Shell. I’m feeling the same way…” I began to explain. “We have to look at the big picture. We can’t dwell on the fact that she has cancer because that’s not going to go away. She has cancer. We both know that and we need to come to terms with it.” I couldn’t believe, myself, how mature I sounded right there. But I knew I had to for Shelby and Lanie’s sakes.

She nodded. “I’m sorry,” she whispered once more and brought one of her hands up to her eyes to dab her tears away. Her other hand was still connected to mine.

“Don’t apologize,” I quickly added. I wasn’t looking for any kind of an apology, I just wanted Shelby to understand where I was coming from. “I just want us to both be strong during this. I want us to lean on eachother so we can stand tall for Lanie. She doesn’t understand.” I didn’t want to see Lanie sick. I knew the chemo would, on the outside, only make her worse. Shelby and I would have to take it one day at a time. “Just remember what chemotherapy can do to a person…” I tried to add in slightly.

Shelby nodded and swallowed the lump in her throat. “I know.” She sighed. We faced the door of the hotel and glanced around the empty room, our hands still connected. “You ready?” I asked, not daring to let go of her hand. She nodded. Neither of us wanted to let go.

“Hey guys,” BJ greeted us as we walked towards Lanie’s room. She handed us a plastic bag with clothes in it.

“Thanks BJ,” Shelby smiled appreciatively and hugged BJ in a tight hug. “I haven’t really gotten the opportunity to say thank you for everything the past few days…but I really am thankful.”

BJ beamed. She and Shelby had always gotten along pretty well. “It’s not a problem, Shelb,” she winked. “I’m so honored that you came to me with Lanie. You both mean so much to me.” She hugged her back. “The doctor was in there with her when I got here a few minutes ago.”

Shelby’s eyes grew wide as we all traveled down the hallway. We saw Lanie and the doctor walk out of the hospital room. “Mommy! Daddy!” Lanie exclaimed and ran towards us in her hospital gown. Shelby bent down and lifted Lanie into her arms. I ran my fingers through her long blonde hair and kissed the top of her head.

“What’s going on?” Shelby asked the doctor as he walked towards us.

“Perfect timing,” he smiled. “I was just going to get Lanie situated in the room she’ll be in to have the chemotherapy. It’s always good to get them comfortable in the room beforehand because it makes the situation less scary for them.”

Shelby nodded and sucked in a deep breath. I wrapped my arm around her supportively and swallowed the lump in my throat. This was not going to be any easy day, but we had to go through with it. “Ready, baby?” Shelby kissed the side of Lanie’s head and began walking behind the doctor.

“Mommy, when can I go home?” Lanie looked up at Shelby. I always knew that Shelby was closer to Lanie than I was. It was a fact – Lanie was with Shelby most of the time. It wasn’t like I was hurt by that because I knew I wouldn’t have time for Lanie anyway with work. But there was still that pang of jealousy in my gut. The way Lanie and Shelby looked at each other; they were perfect together. They were a beautiful match and sometimes I wondered how Shelby hadn’t ended up being remarried already.

“Well, honey, we have to stay in the hospital until you get better…that might be a little while,” Shelby tried to remain honest with Lanie; I admired that. I was too chicken to come out and break Lanie’s heart, explaining to her that she probably wouldn’t ever return to preschool and we’d be lucky to get her healthy for kindergarten.

“Mommy? When we go home, can Daddy come with us?” She asked again. Shelby glanced up at me. It was the first time she had made eye contact with me since we had reached the children’s cancer floor and I could finally see the big tears she cradled in her eyes.

“We’ll see, baby. We’ll see,” she whispered. We approached the room and looked in.

“Here we are,” the doctor smiled warmly. It was a warm, friendly room. However I had a bad feeling that our first impression was the wrong impression and we’d soon come to hate this room. It was decorated in pastel colors – Disney stickers and themes were all over the room. There were book shelves all over the room, as well as multiple chairs that resembled dentists’ chairs, to me. There were bags of fluid at each chair, along with needles and tubes.

I saw Lanie’s eyes grow wide with terror. “I don’t like needles.” She got a death grip on Shelby’s shirt and shoulders. Shelby’s bottom lip began to quiver and she looked up at me for reassurance.

“Come here, baby girl,” I whispered and took Lanie from Shelby’s embrace. I knew she wouldn’t be able to stick Lanie in the chair. Hell, I wasn’t sure I could even stick her in the chair. She wiped the tears from her cheeks and held on to my arm – partly, I think, to thank me for stepping in and partly for something sturdy to hold on to. “Can I tell you a secret?” I whispered as we started walking towards a chair. Lanie nodded as she put her head in the crook of my neck and began to cry. I rubbed her back soothingly. “I used to not like needles either. I used to always hate them. But then I went to the doctor a few years ago and had to give blood…” I began as I sat down in the chair myself and pulled her on my lap. “And I closed my eyes and sang a song in my head, and it was over before I knew it.” I knew this was a different story. I knew Lanie’s story would consist of much more pain and discomfort than mine. But I wanted to bring her some kind of comfort.

“Really?” Her little blonde head lifted off of my shoulder for a minute.

I nodded. “Really,” I smirked and kissed her forehead. “How about you sit on my lap for it?” I asked, looking up at the doctor.

“I suppose we could do that this time around,” he winked and nodded. I thanked him silently, knowing it was her first time and this would be a big step for all of us.

“Okay…” she seemed to give in to our command. She placed her head in the crook of my neck once more and the doctor lifted her arm. “I don’t wanna do this!” She cried out, all of her fear resurfacing.

I felt the tears sting my eyes. I looked over at the chair next to mine and saw Shelby shaking with sobs. I motioned her to come over closer, so she pulled up a chair on wheels and sat as close as she could, resting her head on my shoulder. I wrapped my free arm around her and held her close.

“H-How about Daddy sing to you?” Shelby suggested and I nodded.

“O-Okay,” Lanie cried.

So I swallowed all my fear as I sat there huddled with my family – my family; the family I had never participated in or taken care of – and thought of what to sing. Even though I had never been a part of both Shelby and Lanie’s lives at the same time, at that moment right there where we were all entangled in our arms, I felt right at home.

“I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day…when it’s cold outside, I’ve got the month of May. I guess you say, what can make me feel this way? My girls. Talkin’ ‘bout, my girls…” I sang softly over and over again.

Lanie had taken the treatment as everyone had thought she would – poorly. She was sicker than we had ever seen her before. The chemo caused her to feel nauseous and throw up all over the place. I had finally managed to get Shelby out of there and back to the hotel to get some dinner.

I watched as she sat by the window, watching the rain drops fall upon the glass. “Nicky?” She whispered. She hadn’t called me that in a while.

“Hmm?” I responded and made my way over to where she was sitting on the window sill. I took the seat next to her and watched her emotionless face.

“What if she doesn’t get better?” She whispered, finally making eye contact with me. I swallowed to try and rid my throat of the dry feeling there. I wanted so badly to reassure her that she would get better – that everything would be okay. But I wasn’t sure, myself. And the last thing I wanted to do was lie to her. “I mean…I don’t know what I’d do…” she couldn’t finish her statement, but I knew exactly what she was going to say.

“Hey, come here,” I sighed and pulled her in for a tight hug as she collapsed against my shoulder in a fit of sobs. “Listen, Shelly. As soon as we start doubting Lanie, she’s going to only get worse. Us being negative isn’t going to make it any easier. We have to stay positive.” I wasn’t just reassuring her, I was reassuring myself, as well. “Please eat something?” I sighed and turned towards the tray of food room service had brought us for dinner. I felt her shake her head ‘no’ in my chest and I sighed. “You gotta eat, Shelly.”

“I can’t, Nick,” her voice was muffled from my shirt. “You don’t understand.” She cried some more.

“Oh, but baby I do understand…” shit. I had called her ‘baby’. Hadn’t pulled that one in a while. I knew there was no correcting that. “Sorry, it slipped.” I apologized and kissed the top of her head.

“What happened to us, Nick?” She sighed and for the first time in a minute or so, she looked up to meet my gaze. “One day we were a perfect family; married and pregnant. Then after Lanie was born…it all fell apart.”

“We were never perfect, Shell,” I sighed. “A lot of it was my fault. I was young and didn’t understand what marriage was about. Things were a lot different back then…” I tried to explain. She nodded as it began to rain a bit harder. “I’m sorry I was an insensitive asshole.” I smirked, trying to form a smile over her lips. Much to my surprise, it actually worked.

“You weren’t the problem, Nick,” she smirked. “I was just as much of a pain in your ass as you were in mine. Especially when I was pregnant.” She laughed. She was right. She was a pain in my ass. Always complaining about her cravings. “But we had fun…at the beginning, at least.”

I nodded in agreement and ran my fingers through her hair. “I missed you, Shell. I mean, I’ll admit that the idea of coming back here seeing you guys again wasn’t pleasing at all to me when I first found out about Lanie…but I thought you hated me. So I wanted to keep my distance…”

“I never hated you,” she whispered back as tears formed in her eyes. “I was hurt that things had ended the way they did. And I was hurt because I know you thought I was using you for money. But money was never the issue, Nick. Never, I swear.” She repeated. I nodded and gently ran the pad of my thumb under her eyes to wipe away the tears.

“It’s okay,” I whispered. This was the perfect moment. Though we were both distraught about Lanie being sick and us not knowing what to do, it was this peaceful moment that I honestly can’t even begin to explain in words. “Let’s start over?”

At that moment, a huge grin found its way over her lips and she nodded. “I’d love that.”

My heart felt on fire. She was agreeing with me. I had apologized for everything and so had she. We didn’t hate each other, rather at this moment, it was quite the opposite. We were on the same page. For once in a long time, I felt like she could actually relate to me. She understood me better than anyone else right at that moment. And I didn’t know what else to do…so I brought my lips down to meet her’s in a soft, tender kiss. I wasn’t sure how she’d take it and if she’d reciprocate the feelings or not. She brought her hand up to my cheek and gently massaged her thumb over my skin. “I missed…this.” She whispered softly.

“So did I,” I smiled and placed my lips back on her’s once more. This time, I allowed my tongue to gently run over her bottom lip. She allowed me in and opened her mouth slightly. It was such an amazing feeling – so electric. It was like we had both wanted it for so long and we were finally allowing it to happen.

Almost immediately after we pulled back, a bolt of lightning struck down somewhere nearby and thunder boomed in the distance. “We should go…” she whispered and glanced down at her hands awkwardly. I placed my hand on top of her’s and gave her a curious look – didn’t she want this like I did? “I think this is perfect, Nick…” she mumbled with a small smile. “But Lanie hates thunderstorms. I don’t want her to be at the hosptial by herself…”

I nodded, understanding what she was saying. “Promise me you’ll eat something when we get back…” I saw how tired Shelby looked. I knew I was tired, too. But I knew if she didn’t eat anything, she wouldn’t have any strength or energy.

“Promise,” she winked and kissed my cheek gently before standing up and making our way out of the hotel room.

“Mommy?” Lanie squinted towards the door as we both walked in. Shelby smiled down at her. The nurses had been kind enough to shut the blinds and supply Lanie with her favorite stuffed animal – Beanie – which Shelby and I had given her at birth. It was a raggedy stuffed giraffe from the hospital gift store.

“Hey baby,” Shelby whispered and bent down to kiss Lanie on the forehead. “How ya feeling?” She tucked Lanie’s blonde hair behind her ear and sat down on the edge of her bed. I sat down next to her.

“I’m sleepy and my tummy hurts…” she placed her little hand over her stomach. The nurse had brought in a TV and DVD player for us with some Disney movies incase Lanie was interested.

“Wanna watch Cinderella?” I asked her, knowing that was her favorite. Her eyes seemed to light up even in all the pain she was in and she nodded. I got up and walked over to the DVD player to set it up.

“Can you lay with me?” Lanie asked. I turned to look back and forth between Lanie and Shelby. Who was she referring to?

“Which one of us, baby?” Shelby frowned and continued to run her fingers through Lanie’s hair soothingly. A grin formed over Lanie’s lips, as if she knew exactly what she was doing.

“Both of you,” she said matter-of-factly.

“Baby, I don’t think we can all fit in this bed,” Shelby smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead. “How about you and daddy have some time together?” I smiled. Shelby was being very generous. If this was a month ago and we hadn’t worked through our issues, I knew both of us would be fighting over Lanie.

“No,” Lanie pouted. “Please? We can squeeze…” she practically begged. Shelby sighed and looked up at me. I just shrugged. I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran my fingers through my hair and turned back to the TV as if it were a good distraction. After fidgeting with the DVD player, I turned back towards Shelby and shrugged.

“We’ll try…” Shelby muttered and situated Lanie on the bed so she scooted forward.

“Daddy can sit behind you, and then I’ll sit on your lap, Mommy,” Lanie explained. I smirked. I knew from experience (with Baylee) that whenever little kids were sick, they always used their parents in the sense where they could get whatever they wanted.

I saw the smirk on Shelby’s face, as well. “Let’s see if we’ll all fit.” She giggled. I walked over and slipped off my shoes, climbing around Lanie and Shelby. I slid my legs down either side of Shelby. It was a bit awkward…we hadn’t been in a position like this in quite awhile. She, however, managed to lean back gently against my chest. “You comfortable?” She asked.

“Mhm,” I nodded, not able to form coherent sentences. What was happening to me? To us? “Lanie, baby girl, you comfortable?” I asked.

“Yep!” Lanie giggled as the TV started playing the Disney classic. “Hey Daddy?” She questioned.

“Yeah?”

“Can we go to Disney World?” She asked me. Shelby giggled. Disney World was Lanie’s favorite place. Whenever she stayed with me I’d try to take her. We hadn’t been in a while. “It’s Mommy’s favorite place, too, and we haven’t been in a long time.” She explained.

“When you get better, I promise I’ll take both you and Mommy to Disney World,” I smirked down at Shelby. She glanced up at me with a smile. The movie continued to play on and Shelby began running her fingers through Lanie’s hair soothingly. Before we knew it, Lanie was out. “I should go turn off the movie. I can just sleep in the chair again and you and Lanie can have the bed.” I whispered down by Shelby’s ear.

She craned her neck towards me. “Don’t go…” she whispered. “If you get up, we’ll just wake her up. Besides, I’m comfortable if you’re comfortable.” She smiled. I smiled and kissed her forehead. I was very comfortable.

After only a few moments of closing my eyes, I was able to find sleep peacefully. It was the first time in the past few days that I could do so. Once I could hear Lanie’s soft, gentle breathing and feel Shelby’s body move with each peaceful breath, I, too, found sleep.

In the middle of my sleeping, I heard someone…crying? What was that noise? I rubbed the sleep out of my eyes and managed to open them. “Lanie?” I whispered. In the dark, I could see her head hanging over the side of the bed.

“Daddy, I don’t feel good…” she sobbed. I gently shook Shelby and nodded towards Lanie. She was getting sick.

“Oh, baby,” Shelby whispered and pulled Lanie up so she wouldn’t fall off the bed. She picked up a pail by the side of the bed and held it for Lanie as she vomited. “Nick, can you call the nurse?” She asked me and pointed towards the call button next to the bed. I nodded and scurried around the girls over to the button. After pressing it three times, a nurse finally walked in.

“Everything alright?” She asked, as if Lanie’s throwing up was completely normal.

“Um, obviously not,” I shot back and looked back to where Shelby was helplessly cradling Lanie and pulling her hair back as she got sick. “Can you call the doctor?”

“Mr. Carter, vomiting is very common during the chemotherapy treatment,” she tried to explain rationally. How could this woman be so calm while Lanie was so violently sick? “Maybe try some ginger ale and crackers.” She smiled simply as if it wasn’t a big deal.

“Excuse me,” Shelby spoke up from the bed where Lanie was continually getting sick. “But I’ve researched chemotherapy time and time again. I know there’s an anti-sickness drug the doctor could prescribe. I understand that it’s 1:30 in the morning, but I’m sure you have a doctor on call. Can we speak with him please?” I was shocked, yet insanely grateful that Shelby had researched this like she did.

“It’ll be a minute,” the nurse replied rudely and stalked out of the room.

“Baby, we’re gonna have the doctor give you medicine to make you feel better, okay?” Shelby whispered into Lanie’s hair and kissed the top of her head. “Just take little breaths, okay?” Lanie nodded as we waited for the doctor to show.

How could this be happening? One minute Lanie was fine and now she has this disease inside of her that’s killing her, yet at the same time, the medicine is taking away all her energy, making her sick and hell, I had even read that her hair could be falling out. Why my baby girl? Why me?

That night had been incredibly difficult. Little did I know that was only the beginning of a very long journey. Yes, the doctor was able to give Lanie a special medicine to make her less nauseous, but it also made her drowsier. I watched as Shelby sat stroking Lanie’s hair.

“How is she?” I whispered from the opposite side of the room, just now realizing that Lanie was finally sound asleep.

“I guess she’s better now that she’s asleep,” Shelby sighed and leaned forward to place a soft kiss on Lanie’s forehead. “I can’t believe how sick she was all night.” She rubbed her eyes and glanced down at the wristwatch on her wrist. “Jesus, its 7 am.”

“How about you go back to the hotel and get some rest? I’ll sit here with her…” I said and glanced down at her sleeping form. She looked almost lifeless.

“It’s okay,” Shelby shook her head. “I don’t really want to leave right now. You can go, though. You’re just as exhausted as I am, Nick.” She said softly and curled up in a chair next to Lanie’s bed.

“How about you both go get some rest,” we heard from the doorway. I smiled up at Brian who was standing there. “Leigh and I are both here and we’ve got it under control. Baylee’s with Howie. Let us watch over her for a little bit.”

“Brian, thanks, but it’s okay,” Shelby shook her head once more. “Really, I’m tired but I don’t want to leave.”

“Ya’ll are only going to be in the way,” Leighanne winked and wrapped her arms around Shelby. “Brian and I want to spend some time with Lanie. So how about we do that while you two get some rest.” She suggested. I couldn’t agree with Leighanne more – I was tired. But I also knew that Shelby didn’t want to leave Lanie’s side. I kinda felt like a bad parent for not…caring more? It wasn’t that I didn’t care…it was that I was exhausted and I needed rest.

“Shelb,” I mumbled and stood up from the chair, walking over to where she and Leigh were standing. “Let’s just try to get some sleep, okay? If you can’t fall asleep or you want to come back, we’ll come back.” I said softly. “You and I both know Brian and Leighanne will take care of her.”

Shelby nodded, agreeing that I was right. “Okay…” I was shocked she had given in like she did. She must have been really exhausted. “Bye, baby.” She whispered to Lanie’s somewhat lifeless form and kissed her forehead. “Thanks, guys.” She managed to form a smile over her lips and walked towards the door with me. On the way out, she reached down between us and grabbed my hand.

I frowned, but squeezed her hand back, not entirely sure why she was reaching out to me like she was. But I realized there was probably a good reason for her and she probably needed me at that moment. “You okay?”

“Mhm,” she mumbled and nodded her head vigorously, though I figured she was nodding more so for herself than me. I could see the tears forming in her eyes.

“Hey, ya know what?” I interrupted her from whatever thoughts were going through her mind. I knew this was a scary time – hell, I was scared out of my mind. But I couldn’t let us get depressed over it. She glanced up at me, urging me to continue. “How about we go check out what movies are on Pay-Per-View at the hotel and get our minds off things for a while, okay?”

“I-I don’t know, Nick,” Shelby shook her head with a sigh. “I don’t want--…”

“You don’t want to what, Shell? Have fun? Continue on with your life?” I questioned. I didn’t mean to sound rude…I didn’t mean to sound angry or get her upset, but it needed to be said. I needed her to see how she was allowing this to control her. “Shelby, I know this is going to affect us and affect our lives, okay? I get that. But I don’t think we should allow it to completely take us over.”

She swallowed the sob that was trapped in the back of her throat and nodded. We had walked to an empty hallway and she stopped walking to face me. “You’re right, Nick. You really are.” She nodded. I watched as a few tears slipped out the corners of her eyes.

“Shelby, please don’t cy,” I sighed and pulled her in for a tight hug. “I’m sorry, I am.”

“Don’t apologize,” she shook her head as her body shook slightly with sobs. “I just need to learn how to deal with this. Because I don’t know what I’m doing…so I’m trying to learn.”

I nodded and pulled her away from me slightly. “That’s fine,” I nodded. “I want us to learn how to deal with it. And the best part of all is that we can learn together. Because I’m feeling exactly the same way you are, I’m just not as expressive.” I tried to crack a smile. She nodded with a small smile and dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing,” she giggled. “You’re right, though. Brian and Leigh have this under control for a little while. If anything happens, they’ll call us. We need some time to ourselves. So let’s go rent a movie and have a few hours on our own.” I smiled. It was somewhat like a breakthrough. Granted, I knew this wouldn’t change everything. Lanie was still sick and our hearts were still broken, but yet we had managed to work through something. Lanie had been so violently sick before and I could tell it was eating away at Shelby (and little did she know, it was eating away at me). But we managed to pull through together.

“Are you kidding?” Shelby giggled as I changed the TV to a channel with the movie “Signs” on it.

“What?” I chuckled with a frown.

“This movie,” Shelby rolled her eyes. “Please tell me you remember this movie…” she trailed off and looked up at me. We were both laying on my bed staring at the TV. We were kind of close, but just friendly close. I frowned and tried to remember.

“No…I don’t remember this movie…” I trailed off.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Men.” She mumbled. Before I could get defensive, she began to explain. “Remember? It was Valentine’s Day in 2003 and you were in charge of planning out the night because I was working and you had the day off…”

As she continued on, I began to remember more clearly.

I couldn’t decide what movie to get as I stood in front of a row of movies in the middle of Blockbuster.

“Most of the sappy ones are taken, ya know,” this girl behind me spoke up. I turned around to face her. She looked like a teenager, dressed in a shirt from Blockbuster with a nametag that read: Alex. She had on lots of dark make-up and had many piercings. “Are you lookin’ for your girlfriend?”

“Yeah,” I nodded and shuffled my feet a bit. This was awkward. Why was this girl talking to me? I had wanted to get in and get out in fear of being recognized. I thought this idea was stupid – I wasn’t in the mood for a romantic Valentine’s Day, but Shelby had insisted.

“I always thought it’d be hot if my boyfriend got a scary movie,” she shrugged, putting in her thoughts.

I frowned thinking she had completely lost her mind. “On Valentine’s Day??” I questioned. The girl nodded. I knew Shelby well and I knew she hated scary movies. They were always fun for me because she’d get really scared and cuddle up next to me. But I figured I’d get an earful from her when I brought home a scary movie on Valentine’s Day.

“You’d be surprised,” the girl shrugged. “A lot of girls think it’s cute when their men bring home movies like that on romantic holidays…” this girl was creeping me out. I decided to just go ahead and get the damn movie. Signs just happened to be the movie.

“Shelb?” I called up the stairs to my house. I knew she was there. Her car was in the driveway. I smirked as I saw her clothes strewn across the hallway leading to my bedroom. As I opened the door, I saw her indulged in a piece of chocolate from a box I had left her on the kitchen counter.

“Hey baby,” she smiled and made her way to the edge of the bed. She was wearing one of my Tampa Bay Bucs jerseys and, I assumed, either panties or nothing underneath.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby girl,” I winked and pulled her in for a deep kiss, tasting the chocolate on her lips and tongue. “Sorry it took me so long to get here.” I whispered. She was my everything.

“It’s okay,” she smirked. “What movie did you get?” Uh oh. Here was the moment of truth. Would the sales girl be right? “Oooh.” She seemed interested as she looked at the case over in her hands. “Interesting choice.” She raised her eyebrows.

“Have you seen it?” I asked her as I slid off my shoes and got more comfortable in a wife beater and sweatpants. She shook her head ‘no’. “Good. Me neither.” I smirked. “I thought I’d step away from cliché and get a scary movie for today instead of something cheesy and romantic.”

“I like it,” she smiled as she put it on.

It really wasn’t that scary. But Shelby’s afraid of absolutely everything, so it was really scary to her. The entire movie she had a death grip on my shirt and was cuddled up so close to my side, I was positive there wasn’t any space in between us. I had to smirk. I knew tonight would be a night full of sex.

And boy was I right.

“That was an interesting night…” I chuckled, somewhat uncomfortably, as Shelby jogged my memory. She looked at me blankly as if I wasn’t getting it. Then I saw tears form in her eyes. Uh oh. Had I forgotten something important? February 2003…my mind was running in circles. Then I remembered. “That was the night we conceived Lanie…” I mumbled and she nodded.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to get all mushy,” she tried to giggle to cause her tears to stop. “It just…thinking of her…” I was glad she wasn’t upset with me – that had been my initial thought. And old Shelby probably would have been annoyed with me for not remembering. But this Shelby had grown up – and she was too upset about Lanie to get upset about anything else.

“It’s okay,” I whispered and reached my arm out to pull her towards me. She cuddled up next to my side like she had so many times before and cried. “Bad movie choice. I’m sorry.” I went to change the channel and she stopped me with her hand.

She shook her head. “Not at all. I love this movie. Good memories…” she trailed off and I smirked. Was she flirting? Of course there were good memories behind this movie. We had a daughter. Of course, Shelby’s pregnancy led to much crazier things – our hurried marriage so her parents wouldn’t disown her, our late night fights and arguments over simple things that seemed to life changing at the time, and this moment…right here.

“You’re right,” I leaned down and kissed the top of her head. “Very good memories…” She turned her head towards mine and for the first time since the moment in the hotel the day before, she kissed me. It wasn’t just a friendly kiss, either. I thought that she had forgotten about our kiss earlier the day before, but obviously not.

“You know how we said we should start over?” She mumbled against my lips as I readjusted so she was flat on her back and I was lifted above her with one arm planted on the mattress beside her to hold my body up and my other hand on her waist. I nodded. “I say we start over with us, too…” she whispered as I pulled back for a moment.

I knew we should probably go slow…that we should probably sit and talk about this like mature adults. I felt like maybe she wanted to have sex with me because Lanie was sick and she needed someone to take her mind of things? Or maybe she wanted to do it to bring back the amazing memories from that Valentine’s Day when we created Lanie? Or maybe (just maybe) she really did want to start over and she might still love me?

I was hoping for the last one.

“Nicky…” I heard softly beside me. Was it all a dream? My eyes fluttered open and I glanced around the room. My eyes finally fell next to me. Shelby was lying there smiling as she watched me sleep. I smiled. Just seeing her smile made me happy. She hadn’t smiled in so long. We hadn’t gone through with where it seemed we were going and had sex. We ended up talking about starting slow, like I had hoped we would. “It’s already noon. We should probably head back…” Noon seemed late, however, we had only gotten to the hotel around 7 and watched a movie, giving us a few hours to catch up on rest.

“You’re right,” I mumbled and rolled out of bed with a heave. “Maybe we can head over to my place sometime this week…” I didn’t want to push it. I knew Shelby wasn’t looking forward to leaving Lanie any time soon. It was understandable.

“I don’t know, Nick,” she sighed as she smoothed out her clothing from the nap we had taken. “I mean, it would probably be a lot more comfortable than this hotel…and a lot cheaper, but I’m not sure I want to just leave Lanie at a hospital.”

“Understandable,” I nodded and ran my fingers through my hair. “Don’t worry about the money, Shell.” I touched her arm gently. She smiled up at me. “I have it under control, okay?”

“I don’t want to ask you to do that, Nick,” she sighed again and looked down at the carpet below our feet. “I mean, money’s tight but Lanie’s my daughter too.”

“I understand that but money’s not a problem, okay? Don’t worry about it,” I said sincerely causing another smile to turn up from her lips. “We’ll just take this day by day, alright? Just keep my offer in mind. My place is only about twenty minutes away from here.”

“Thanks,” she smiled and headed for the door. What was going on between us? Shelby had already asked me that once before, but I honestly didn’t have an answer for her. I wanted to know, but there was so much on our minds already, and even though our relationship (if we could even call it that) was really important, Lanie’s illness was definitely top priority right now.

“I was thinking…maybe in a few days if Lanie’s feeling better, we can see if the doctor will release her from the hospital for an hour or so and let us take her to the beach or something…” I suggested and shoved my hands in my pockets. It was September in California – it wasn’t necessarily cold, but it was beginning to get windy and a bit chilly. Shelby nodded.

“I’d really like that and I know Lanie would love it,” she grinned. “I hope she starts feeling better. Or at least getting used to the chemotherapy.” She sighed and looked down at the ground. I bit my bottom lip trying to decide what to do. I took my hand out of my pocket and picked hers up, squeezing it gently. Afterwards, I brought it to my lips and kissed it gently. Before either of us could say anything, my phone started vibrating in my pocket. I watched Shelby’s eyes bulge.

“It’s Brian…” I mumbled, a lump forming in my throat. She sucked in a deep breath as I answered it. “Is everything okay?”

“Hey Nick, everything’s fine…sorry for freaking you out,” he quickly informed me so I wouldn’t worry.

“Everything’s fine,” I reassured Shelby and took her hand up in mine once more with my free hand as we crossed the street to the hospital. “What’s up?” I asked him, wondering why he was calling.

“Well…Lanie’s up and she just asked me to call you guys and ask you to bring her dress?” He sounded almost as confused as I was. A dress? “She said Shelby would know what she was talking about…”

“Uh, let me ask Shell, hold on a second,” I frowned over at Shelby. “Um, Brian said that Lanie’s awake and asked him to call us and tell us to bring her dress?” I repeated. She frowned, but she looked as if she might know what she was talking about. I handed her the phone so she could talk to Brian herself.

“Hey Brian, it’s Shelby,” she said into the phone. “Tell Lanie we’ll be up in one minute and I’ll figure out what dress she wants then, okay? We’re walking into the hospital.” She explained. “Okay, thanks Brian.” She smiled and hung up. She shrugged as she handed me the phone. “Lanie loves playing dress up, so I guess it’s one of those dresses? I’m not really sure.”

“Well, we’ll find out,” I shrugged as we stepped on the elevator and headed upstairs. Every time I had a spare moment to contemplate what was going on between Shelby and I, something interrupted my thoughts. I knew I had to devote all my time right now to my daughter and I understood that. I just hoped one of these times I’d get to sit down with Shelby and talk to her about what was going on.

“Hey guys,” BJ smiled as the elevator opened. “I was just stopping by to say hi to Lanie.” She smiled.

“Thanks, Beej,” I couldn’t get over how dedicated most of my family had been so far to spending time with Lanie and really stepping up – especially BJ. Shelby’s family hadn’t hung around after they came by to see her a few days ago. But so far, BJ had been there almost every day. She had gotten Shelby and I clean clothes and stuck around to make sure Lanie was okay. Part of me believed it was because she was afraid we were going to turn into our parents. My parents got divorced and had a horrible relationship. I was pretty sure BJ was putting herself in Lanie’s position and sticking around to make sure Shelby and I focused on Lanie instead of ourselves.

“No problem,” she smiled. “Real quick, I just wanted to say how proud I am of both of you…you guys have put your issues to the side and really stuck by Lanie to make sure she’s okay. That’s awesome.” She smiled and took our place on the elevator.

“Thanks,” I smiled and hugged her quickly before the elevator doors began to close. “See you tomorrow?” I asked and she nodded. We said goodbye and headed towards Lanie’s room.

“Hey baby,” Shelby smiled at the sight in the room. I felt a grin forming over my lips, too. Lanie was sitting up in bed with Baylee playing with her Barbie and his G.I Joes. “What’cha up to?”

“Playin’ toys with Baylee,” Lanie grinned.

“I’m glad to see you’re feeling better,” I leaned down and placed a kiss on top of her head. She grinned up at me. Those blue eyes pulled me in every time.

“Baby, what dress were you telling Uncle Brian about?” Shelby frowned and knelt down next to the bed so she was at eye level with Lanie. “Your dress-up dress back at home?”

Lanie nodded and looked around at all the other faces in the room as if it was some big secret. She leaned over and got close to Shelby’s ear. We all grinned, including Shelby. As Lanie pulled away, after sharing her big secret, Shelby’s smile faded.

“That dress is back at home, honey,” Shelby explained. “Besides…that’s not a dress-up dress.” She frowned, confused as to why Lanie mentioned whatever it was she did. I was confused, and by the looks of it, so was Brian and Leighanne.

“But mommy…” Lanie mumbled and looked over at me again. “I want you to wear it.” She played with the sheet that was draped over her legs so they wouldn’t get cold. “I want you and daddy to get married again.”

Awkward silence, much? “We’ll talk about it later.” Shelby whispered and kissed Lanie on the forehead. I could see her blush as she turned to Baylee to try and change the subject. “Mr. Baylee, how have you been? You have a big birthday coming up, don’t you?”

Baylee nodded bashfully and laughed as Shelby reached out to tickle him. “Mommy, my birthday’s comin’ up too!” Lanie smirked. She was right.

“I know, baby,” Shelby smiled. Almost as soon as the mood had calmed down in the room, we heard a soft knock on the door. We turned to see a nurse standing there. Nurses had come to be our worst enemies.

“Hi, Lanie,” the woman smiled and walked over. At least this one seemed a bit nicer from the one the day before. “My name’s Sophie. Can I take you down the hall to get your medicine?”

The grin that was originally planted on all of our faces quickly disappeared. Again?. “Wait…what?” I found my voice eventually.

“Her chemotherapy…” the nurse frowned as if I was stupid or something. “It’s a daily procedure. It’s…1:30, so it’s about that time. The doctor alternates – one day he’ll do it first thing in the morning and the next day in the afternoon. We knew she was having a rough morning this morning, so we figured it’d be best to wait until now.”

“Every day?” I glanced at Shelby. She just frowned. She felt just as helpless as I did. It wasn’t like we could say “no”. We couldn’t turn away the treatment. If we did, she’d die for sure. This was our only hope. “Lanie, sweetie?” I looked down at her. Her eyes – those big blue eyes – were almost pleading with me not to make her go. “Let’s go get your medicine, okay?” I put my hands under her arms and lifted her to my chest. I kissed the side of her head and held my free hand out to Shelby.

“We’ll see you guys later,” Shelby whispered on the way out. I could see the sympathy in Brian and Leighanne’s eyes, as well as the thankfulness to God for not giving their child a disease. That’s when the question, “Why me?” returned to my thoughts.

“I wanna go home,” Lanie mumbled against my neck. She knew exactly what was going on and she wasn’t looking forward to it.

“Hey baby,” Shelby tapped on her shoulder so she would look down at her. “How about you keep taking your medicine every day until you get better, and then maybe for your birthday we’ll talk to the doctor and see if we can all take a trip to daddy’s house, okay?” Even though we were headed to the room from Hell, Lanie’s eyes lit up and she nodded.

“Can we, daddy?” She smiled up at me. My heart skipped a beat. Lanie was used to me and Shelby being together already and it had only been two days. She was used to Shelby telling her something and me confirming it or vice versa.

“We’ll talk to the doctor about it, okay?” I repeated what Shelby had said. We walked into the room full of toys and needles and I sighed. This was not going to be easy.

After the entire procedure – which had gone fairly similar to how it went last time – I sat on Lanie’s hospital bed rubbing her back soothingly as her cries subsided. I don’t think I would ever get used to her crying like this. It was absolutely horrible.

“She asleep yet?” Shelby poked her head in the room. She had gone outside to get some air. Her eyes were still bloodshot from crying as I nodded.

“Just about,” I whispered over her blonde head. I gently stood up and placed her down on the bed. “We probably shouldn’t go too far because I have a bad feeling she’s gonna get really sick in a few hours.” I sighed, anticipating the pain she’d go through. Shelby nodded as we went out into the hallway to sit and just wait. “So what was that about earlier? What dress was she referring to?” I decided to change the topic. Besides, I had wanted to know what she was talking about.

A smile formed over her lips and she stared down at the tile floor, remembering the moment of happiness where Lanie was feeling okay and everything seemed fine. “You’re gonna laugh…”

I smiled and looked over at her with a shrug. “I could use a good laugh, actually. So though it might seem embarrassing to you, it might make me feel a whole hell of a lot better.”

“Well,” she sighed. “Lanie loves playing dress-up, and she always wants me to play with her. So she would go through my closet and find something for me to wear, though she was very disappointed that I didn’t have any crazy lime green frilly dresses or anything like that,” she chuckled and I smirked. “So, one of the first times we played, we went through and she found my wedding dress…” she trailed off and looked down at her fingers. “So I put it on…and then she started asking questions. Like, what it was from and why I had it. So I told her that it was my wedding dress. And from then on, almost daily, we’d sit down and she’d either make me put that on, tell her the story about us over and over, or go through our wedding album.”

“She did?” I sounded shocked…I guess that’s because I kinda was.

“Yeah,” Shelby smirked. “I remember I’d get so frustrated with her when she’d ask so many questions because I hated talking about it. I hated bringing those memories back up because it hurt.”

“Wow,” I muttered. Lanie must have put two and two together – she realized it was a wedding dress and she wanted Shelby to put it on again and try and push us back together. “Smart kid.”

“Hah,” Shelby nodded. “She is. I love that about her, but sometimes it really comes back to bite me in the ass. Like now.” She blushed.

“No, no…it didn’t bite you in the ass,” I chuckled and she smiled up at me. “Stories like that really make me feel good. I mean…I don’t really see Lanie that often. It’s my fault. I’m never home or I’m home and just really busy with the band or other things…” I trailed off. The past three days I had been more of a father to Lanie than ever before. That was pretty sad, considering she was already almost four years old. “But these stories where she’s talking about me or thinking about me make me feel special, ya know? It makes me feel like I’m a part of her life.”

“You are a part of her life, Nick,” Shelby reached down and put her hand on mine. “You always have been. She keeps a picture of you by her bed, ya know. It’s one of you and her at Disney in front of the castle. She plays your CDs every night. She watches you on TV whenever she can.”

“That’s scary,” I sighed. I knew what was on TV. I didn’t want her to see me with other girls.

“Don’t worry,” Shelby reassured me. “She’s never seen you on E! or anything like that. She’s seen the Oprah shows, a few TMZ videos online. I watch them first before I let her see them.”

That meant Shelby was looking for them online. She was making sure Lanie could still see my face and hear my voice, even though I didn’t call every day like a father away should or see her every weekend like Shelby and I had originally planned. “Thank you for keeping me in her life. You didn’t have to do that. You could have fought for her and won complete custody and kicked me out of the picture, but you didn’t.”

She shrugged and caught my eyes in hers. “You’re a part of her, Nick. We made her together.” And with that, we both looked at the room in front of us that held the one thing, one person, that kept us together. “I never thought I could love a person so much to create someone…and then when everything happened with us, I had so much hatred towards you, but I could never hate you. I could never bring myself to say that I hated you or believe it in my soul because Lanie has both of us in her, ya know?” I nodded. I had never thought about it that way. I had confessed my hatred for Shelby time and time again.

“I owe you so many apologies. I swear, it would take days to get everything out,” I muttered. She smiled and looked at me.

“Hey,” she caught my attention. “We’re starting over now, remember? We both said and did things we shouldn’t have and that we regret. We’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay. Because we’re a family and we’re sticking together this time.”

I couldn’t agree more.

Longest five hours of my life, or so it seemed. I had a bad feeling I’d have many more “longest hours of my life”. I watched as Shelby came out of the room and closed the door, leaning up against it and closing her eyes.

“How is she?” I whispered, afraid if I spoke any louder I’d wake her up, even though we were in the hallway and Lanie was probably fast asleep already.

“She’s asleep,” Shelby sighed and folded her arms across her chest. “She’ll probably be out now for the night. The nurse said since she vomited so much, she’ll be worn out. Plus the drowsiness from the chemotherapy doesn’t help any.” She mumbled and walked toward me.

All of a sudden, my stomach began to growl. I couldn’t even remember the last time I had touched food. “You hungry?” I asked her. Neither of us had eaten in a while. Her hand went to her stomach and she nodded. We had completely forgotten to take care of ourselves. “How about we go back to the room and order room service?” I suggested. I knew neither of us wanted to go out any where fancy to eat. She smiled and nodded.

“That would be nice,” she agreed. “I’m sure she’ll be out for the rest of the night…” she seemed a little hesitant, but ended up going with her initial reaction. As we exited the hospital, we were faced with a handful of photographers and some fans, as well. “Uh…” she looked up at me with wide eyes. Neither of us were expecting this.

“I’m not sure why they’re here…I haven’t made a statement yet…” I explained. “Just let me handle it.” I put my hand on the small of her back as I tried to think of what to say.

“Nick! Nick!” The photographers began to yell out and snap pictures. “Are you and your wife back together? What are these rumors about your daughter’s illness? What’s going on, man? We’ve seen you in and out of here for three days now!” To be honest, I was surprised it took them this long to figure it out. I thought it would have taken only a few hours.

“I haven’t made the statement yet, guys,” I stepped forward. “My…our,” I corrected before going any farther. “Three-year-old daughter has a form of leukemia. She’s in the hospital now getting treatments of chemotherapy. We’re hoping to make it as quick and painless as possible for her. Her mother and I would really appreciate it if you guys stay clear of the hospital and give us our privacy. I promise I’ll keep you guys updated along the way.”

“Thanks, Nick,” a few photographers took a couple more shots and then to my surprise, again, backed away.

“Wow…” Shelby mumbled as we made our way across the street again. “That went over really well…”

“Yeah,” I nodded with a shrug. “Better than I had expected.”

“Thank you for handling it, Nick,” Shelby smiled up at me appreciatively. “You’ve really stepped up to the plate. I definitely don’t give you enough credit.”

“Shell, it’s only been three days. You’ve raised Lanie the past three, almost four, years. It’s about time I step up and be something in her life, ya know?” To be honest, I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of my mouth. And by the smile on Shelby’s face, it looked as if she couldn’t believe it, either. “I’ve seriously grown up in the past three days.” I chuckled.

“You can say that again,” she smirked. I gave her a shocked expression jokingly as we entered the hotel lounge. She giggled and put her hand on my chest. “I was just kidding. Besides, I’ve matured a lot too. I guess when you’re thrown into situations like this, you just have to take it and run.”

I nodded in total agreement. “You wanna order room service down here and then have it delivered to the room?”

“Sure,” she agreed.

“What do you want?” I asked her as we glanced at the menu. “I think I’m gonna order chicken fingers and fruit for me. Get whatever you want.”

“I want to pay for mine, Nick,” she looked back up at me. Money was an issue, but Shelby hated depending on people. I used to think that was what she was best at, but after spending the past few days with her, I came to realize that was definitely not the case.

“Fine,” I held my hands up in defeat. I figured it would only come to a few dollars anyway.

“Umm…I’ll have chicken fingers, too. But I want mine with fries,” she smiled. “And…the chocolate covered strawberries look really good. That’s Lanie’s favorite. Maybe we can save a few and take them back over with us tomorrow morning or something.”

I nodded with a smile. She was always thinking about Lanie more than herself. “Sounds good.” I smiled at the man standing there taking the order. “If you can just have that delivered to room 221, that’d be great.”

“No problem,” he nodded and we made our way to the elevator. I found myself feeling awkward around her, and I wasn’t sure why. It wasn’t like we hadn’t been alone the past few days. We had even had a pretty intense make-out session on the bed. It was just now…thinking about what was going to happen once we got to the room. Was she going to want to pick right back up where we left off? Did I want to do that?

What was I thinking? Of course I wanted to pick back up where we left off. “I hope I can fall asleep tonight.” She sighed, breaking my train of thought. I nodded and swallowed back the lump of nervousness in my throat.

“Me too,” I agreed. “It’ll really suck if I can’t. We both need sleep and food.”

“I can’t believe we went this long without eating. You, of all people,” she giggled. I frowned with a smirk on my lips and cocked my head to the side. “I’m just saying…I know you better than you think. And I know you have a pretty hearty appetite.” She laughed.

I rolled my eyes. “Have you not noticed the weight loss?” I pointed to my chest and she laughed hysterically.

“You looked so gay right there…not gonna lie,” she giggled. I pouted and she laughed even harder. “I’m just kidding, Nick. You look great.” She nodded.

“Thank you,” I mumbled as the elevator stopped on our floor. “Though, I won’t lie. My appetite’s still pretty big. I just try to fill my stomach with healthy shit now.” I shrugged. She nodded as we came to the door.

She seemed to be in deep thought as she stood there while I opened the door. As we came in, she plopped down on her bed and I sat down on mine, facing her. “So, I figure I should probably go get clothes for me somehow. I mean…either call my mom and have her send the stuff to me through the UPS or something or go to a Good Will around here somewhere.”

“I can have BJ bring you more clothes,” I shrugged.

“Thanks, Nick. But I really miss having my own stuff, ya know? I mean, it’s not just that. There’s so much stuff I’m missing here. And I’m really starting to freak out because I was thinking this morning when Lanie was so sick. We’re going to be here for a while. I wish there was some way we could transfer her back to Florida but it’s too dangerous to do that right now. Besides, I know the doctors are much better here. But everything’s at my house. I mean…I feel so lost without my own living space,” she sighed. From the way she worded everything, I had a feeling that had all been on her mind for a while.

I guess I hadn’t thought about it. I mean, my house was only twenty minutes away. If I wanted a change of pants, I just had to get in the car and drive and make it back to the hospital in forty minutes. She had to fly across the country.

“I mean, we could be here for two years. Maybe I should look into finding a house out here,” she ran her fingers through her hair. She and I both knew she didn’t have that kind of money.

“Crazy idea…” I started and ran my fingers through my own hair. She cocked her head to the side and frowned, urging me to continue. “Move in with me?”

Her eyes got really big and she leaned forward as if she had misunderstood. “Did you just ask me to move in with you?” She asked, completely stunned.

“Well…I mean, not in the sense that you’re thinking. I’m not trying to push for anything here, Shell,” I quickly explained so she wouldn’t think my motive was wrong. “I have a guest bedroom. I already have a room set up for Lanie since she stays with me sometimes. My dad’s in Tampa now and I’m sure he wouldn’t mind helping your family load up his truck and bring it over here. That way, we wouldn’t have to worry about the hotel situation and you would have all your personal belongings,” I explained. It seemed rational enough to me.

She sat there gnawing on her fingernail – a nervous habit she had ever since I met her. “I-I don’t know, Nick. I mean…what about when it’s all over? Won’t it be redundant to just…move everything over here and then have to move it all back a little while later?” She asked me. I shrugged.

“It could be two to five years, Shelb. We don’t know when she’s gonna get better,” I whispered. I didn’t want to say if she’s going to get better. We didn’t want to think of it that way just yet. Shelby nodded and sucked in a deep breath.

“Are you sure, though? I mean, Nick, we never got along when we lived together four years ago. How are we supposed to just magically get along now?” She frowned and folded her legs up on the bed.

I shrugged again. “We are now.” I said simply. It was the truth. She nodded and looked around the room as if looking for another excuse to say no. “We can just give it a try. It’s better than living out of a hotel.” I said. Why was I trying to be so convincing? It wasn’t like this was headed anywhere. I mean, maybe we’d be good friends but I wasn’t sure I could see myself being close with Shelby like we had in the past.

“I guess you’re right,” she sighed. “It’s just so complicated…picking up and moving in with you like that. But it would help because I don’t have the money to get my own place right now.”

“Exactly,” I sighed and gently rubbed her shoulder. “We can make this work, Shell. We need to like, reorganize our lifestyles so we can take care of Lanie. Everything will work itself out.”

All of a sudden, our thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the door. “Room service.” A man called from the other side. I hopped up off the edge of the bed and went to answer the door.

“Thanks,” I smiled and took the tray on wheels from him and brought it into the room. “It smells so good.” It wasn’t until then that I realized just how hungry I really was. I lifted the tray off and handed Shelby her plate and took mine, as well.

“Yeah, it does…” she trailed off. She didn’t seem as hungry as I was. I was shocked, because I knew Shelby and I knew she had gone longer without eating. She found out about Lanie’s illness before she called me, meaning she had probably already gone twenty-four hours without food.

“You need to eat, Shell,” I muttered as I took a bite out of my chicken. “Please? I don’t need you getting sick from not eating. I’m not sure what I’d do if you got sick and Lanie was sick, too.” I said in all seriousness. I looked up, feeling her stare. “What?”

“N-Nothing…” she stuttered and took a bite out of chicken. I kept looking at her, hoping she’d decide to continue. “It’s just, I never imagined you caring, Nick. I know that’s a rough thing to say, but it’s the truth. I know you love Lanie to death and I’ve always believed that you did. I just never thought you cared much for me.” She shrugged.

I thought for sure after spending so much time with Shelby again and being around her all day long she’d think otherwise. But I guess not. “I-I’m so sorry, Shell. I never meant to make you feel that way.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Nick,” she smiled a small, gentle, innocent smile. “I was just being paranoid.” She shrugged.

“Well, no more of that,” I smiled and winked. “I care about you, Shelly. More than I think you’ll ever know. And more than I thought I did before this.” I admitted.

“Do you ever think about that?” She questioned quietly as we both continued to eat our lunch – both really glad we had decided to order food.

“Think about what?” I asked her, unsure of what she was referring to.

“Think about this whole cancer situation. I mean, my mom always told me as a kid that sometimes bad situations bring about something good. Kinda like the belief that everything happens for a reason, ya know?” Shelby muttered. I nodded as she continued. “I’m really grateful that you and I are talking again and can have a healthy communication. But I’m not sure I’d want Lanie to be this sick ever…even if it meant not talking to you…” she trailed off, but then came back quickly before I could say anything. “But then I feel like that’s not the truth. I’ve been wanting to get back in touch with you ever since you left. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way since Lanie’s so sick…”

“Shell,” I quickly cut her off before she could put herself down any more. “I know you didn’t wish this upon Lanie. No one did. Everything happened and it’s in the past now. We can’t make it better by snapping our fingers or waving a magic wand. Don’t put the guilt on yourself for wanting to talk to me again. I know how you feel. I’m so glad we’re talking but I know this wouldn’t have happened without Lanie getting sick,” I mumbled and crumbled up a napkin I was using for my chicken and tossed it in the trashcan.

Shelby nodded. “I just don’t understand everything. I hope someday I will.” I knew she was referring to the question that continually popped up – why us? Why our daughter?

I didn’t know what else to say, so instead I pulled out the strawberry platter. “These look good. I’m glad you ordered them. There are three, so we can each have one and then take one back to Lanie tomorrow morning.” I smirked.

Shelby smiled and took one from the tray, placing it between her lips and taking a bite. I couldn’t help but watch and I couldn’t help the feelings in my gut. “Damn, these are good.” She smirked and pulled away the remainder of the strawberry, leaving a trail of chocolate right above her lip. I chuckled and shook my head. “Ugh, do I have chocolate all over me?” She laughed and I nodded. She licked her lips, trying to find the chocolate, but no such use. “Give me a napkin, smartass.” She giggled as I continued to laugh.

A napkin, eh? I decided to be the brave one and leaned in to kiss her, this time running my tongue along her top lip and getting it for myself. “Better?” I asked softly as I pulled away. She nodded, her brown eyes showing some kind of daze, and leaned back in, kissing me harder and rougher than I thought she would.

She pushed me back down on the bed and straddled my waist, kissing me with so much passion. I wasn’t used to this. I had sex with so many girls in my lifetime, but nothing ever equaled out to what it was like when I was with Shelby. There was something much deeper there. “Shell, are you sure?” I whispered in between kisses as she nodded vigorously.

“I want you, Nick,” she mumbled against my lips. That was all it took for me. I flipped her over onto her back and held my body up above her with one of my arms. She reached down between us and quickly unfastened my jeans. I stopped what I was doing long enough to get my pants off and reach up to throw my shirt to the floor, then took my hands and yanked down her sweatpants. “God, I missed you.” She mumbled as my lips found hers again in a heated kiss. I smirked against her lips, feeling butterflies in my stomach.

“I missed us,” I muttered as she sucked on my bottom lip feverishly. I quickly lifted the hem of her shirt so it was up and over her head in a matter of seconds. Now we both laid there in our underwear. There was something I wanted to say but I thought it was probably way too soon. Shelby knew I cared about her…we had determined that. But neither of us had said anything about love. I did love her. I felt it right then and there. But was it truly love or simply a feeling I was having out of the moment.

“I-I…” Shelby stuttered as I rubbed up against her sensually. Was she trying to say it, too? Were these feelings mutual or really there at all? She swallowed hard as we made eye contact.

“You don’t have to say anything,” I whispered as I leaned down and gently kissed her neck. “I know.” I nodded and kissed her again. She helped me discard her bra and panties, and I removed my boxers. It had been so long since we had been in this situation. I gently brought my fingers down to her center to touch her in her most intimate spot. I rubbed against her clit in little circles, smirking when I heard her moan. “I want to try us again.” I leaned down and whispered in her ear, kissing her jaw line on the way back up to look in her eyes.

She opened her eyes and stared at me long and hard, as if she was trying to read into my heart and soul and see if I was telling the truth. She licked her lips and it was then that I saw tears in her eyes. “I don’t wanna get hurt again…” she whispered.

I kissed her long and hard. “I promise I’ve changed, Shell. I swear.” I whispered as I inserted a finger into her center. She arched her back and leaned into my touch.

“Okay,” she whispered and began to rock harder on my hand. I leaned down and began sucking on her sensitive in the crook of her neck. She whimpered, begging me for more. “It’s been so long…” she mumbled and closed her eyes as I inserted another finger.

That made me feel guilty, but happy at the same time. She wasn’t looking for a sexual relationship with anyone. Had I hurt her that badly that she stopped finding interest in other guys? I swallowed hard, not really sure what to say. I didn’t want to lie. It hadn’t been long for me. Shelby knew that. She knew my personality.

“Just fuck me, Nick,” she whimpered, not wanting to hear me lie through my teeth. I didn’t need any other permission or statement to move forward. I quickly removed my fingers and inserted myself into her. She moaned out into the empty hotel room and I continued to force my way in and out of her. She was so tight. Part of me wondered if I was the only man she had ever had sex with. I watched her closed eyes and studied her face. How could I have passed her up so easily before? How could I have just walked away from her and Lanie without a fight? She was so perfect – so precious. I saw her in Lanie every day. She was the mother of my child.

“You mean the world to me, Shell,” I grunted out as I tried to make it last. She opened her eyes quickly and then shut them tightly again when I felt her walls start to contract.

“I’m gonna—“ She exclaimed.

“Just let it go, Shell,” I muttered as I felt my entire body shutter and my release just around the corner. Her walls went wild and I released myself inside of her. I collapsed next to her, both of us heaving passionately. I looked over at her and watched her for a minute. She looked so peaceful. I brought my hand up to her face and brushed away a strand of hair. She smirked in my direction.

“You have no idea how long it’s been…” she blushed. I smiled and kissed her softly.

“I meant what I said. About us trying it all over again,” I said. She nodded and looked away, breaking eye contact for a minute. I knew she was skeptical. I didn’t really blame her. “I honestly think we can make it work.”

“What if we can’t, Nick?” She asked me seriously. “How are we going to stand to put up with each other long enough to get Lanie through her treatment and back to recovery?” She was right. I bit my bottom lip and turned her chin towards me.

“I promise I will never leave your side as long as Lanie’s sick. If it doesn’t work out and we realize we weren’t meant to be together, I’ll stick around for you and Lanie both,” I promised. “But how are we ever going to know if we don’t try?” She looked as if she was contemplating long and hard. I knew she wanted this. I could tell in each kiss we had shared the past few days, as well as the sex we had just had.

“Okay,” she smiled and leaned in to kiss me. “We’ll give it a try.”

“Morning, baby,” Shelby smiled at Lanie as we walked into the hospital room, hand in hand. “How ya feeling?” She whispered as she dropped my hand to my side and sat down on the edge of Lanie’s bed.

“I feel icky, mommy,” Lanie whimpered and tried to sit up to crawl into Shelby’s lap. Shelby kissed the top of her head and began to run her fingers through her hair.

“I’m sorry, baby,” Shelby whispered. “It’ll all get…” she stopped and I looked up from my chair to see what the problem was. Shelby looked terrified; she was holding clumps of Lanie’s hair in her hands. “O-Oh…” she started to get upset. I quickly jumped up and sat down next to her.

“It’s okay,” I whispered and kissed the side of her head. “Don’t scare her.” I reminded her. I swallowed the lump in my throat at the gory image in front of me. My daughter was losing her hair.

“Mommy?” Lanie looked up to see her clumps of blonde beautiful hair in Shelby’s hands. “Mommy! Why is my hair in your hands?” She cried and tears began to roll down her cheeks. She felt her own hair as it began to fall into her hands, as well.

“Shh,” Shelby tried to hush her, while crying at the same time. “Baby, your cancer medicine makes your hair fall out. It’s okay, honey.” She rocked her in her lap back and forth. “There’s a bunch of special stores where we can go and find fake hair for you. Your hair will grow back when you get better.” I couldn’t believe we hadn’t explained this to her yet. I felt bad for not telling her everything that was going to happen to her body, but at the same time, I didn’t want to scare her.

“Mommy, I want my hair, not fake hair,” Lanie sobbed. I had a bad feeling that every day something else was going to happen and it definitely wasn’t going to always be positive. I watched as Shelby closed her eyes and rocked back in forth with Lanie in her lap. She didn’t know what to say or do.

“It’s okay, baby. We’re right here,” I whispered and hugged both of them so Lanie was against my chest but my arms reached around to Shelby’s back. “I’m right here.” I muttered again, this time so Shelby could hear me.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~x~

It seemed like days before Lanie fell asleep, but finally she did. Shelby and I made our way out into the hallway outside the room. “I-I never t-thought h-her hair w-would fall out, N-Nick,” Shelby hiccupped through sobs as I pulled her close to my body.

“Shh,” I hushed her. “I know, baby. I know.” I kissed the top of her head. “I know how hard this is, okay? I get it. But we have to stay strong for her. We have to. We can’t freak out when her hair starts falling out or when she’s puking from the medicine. If we freak out, we scare the shit out of her.” I tried to explain. Shelby nodded through her sobs.

“Mr. and Mrs. Carter?” Someone said from behind us. I turned around, wanting to bitch at whoever was there interrupting. It wasn’t exactly the best moment. That was until I saw it was the doctor. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Jesus Christ. Could this situation get any worse? “You have got to be kidding me,” Shelby tried to calm down as she slid down into a chair in the hallway. I sat next to her and draped my arm around her, pulling her in closer. I felt the same way she did.

“Oh, no! No,” the doctor quickly corrected himself. “It’s nothing bad. I just wanted to talk about different living arrangements we could come up with for Lanie during her treatment. There are a couple different options.” He started. I couldn’t get over how nonchalant he seemed about everything. It was really starting to piss me off. “Let’s see, we can definitely keep her here if you need us to. We just know many patients, especially children, get tired of staying in the hospital. And we know for the parents it’s hard because they’re living between the hospital and the home. It’s good that you two don’t have other children – that always makes everything more difficult.”

“Can she really go home with us?” Shelby asked, almost begged. I knew that’s exactly what she wanted, but I had to throw in the rational thoughts.

“Can she really be taken care of from home?” I asked and placed my hand on Shelby’s. I wanted her to know I wanted Lanie at home with us as much as she did, but I didn’t want her to get even worse.

“She can,” the doctor nodded. “We’d probably have a nurse that would come over every day to take care of her and be on call if you need her during the night or whenever. We’d have the IV and chemo set up in a room in the house, and she’d probably come in once every other day for a checkup from me.” He explained.

“Oh my God,” Shelby smiled for the first time since we had gotten to the hospital, her tears finally stopping. “That would be amazing. And I know Lanie would love to be in her own bed again!” I had to smile. Even though Lanie was sick and in pain, this would help her immensely.

“We’ll work it out so that maybe after her chemo treatment today we can transport her,” he smiled warmly. “Just remember how big of a commitment it is. Granted, there will be a nurse you can call at all hours of the day, but still. If it’s too soon right now, we can try transporting her in a few weeks.”

“No,” Shelby shook her head with a smile. “I want my baby to come home with us…” she looked over at me and smiled. I squeezed her hand and smiled at the doctor.

“I agree,” I smirked.

“Great,” the doctor stood up from his position kneeling on the floor and we stood up as well. “I understand you were both a little upset from her hair falling out…” he touched on the subject lightly. “If you’d like, I could schedule a visit with one of the wig dressers in the city and she could design a few wigs for her. And they also design really adorable bandanas for little girls.” He expressed.

Shelby swallowed hard and nodded, the sad expression returning to her face. “That would be nice of you.” She didn’t know what else to say.

“I promise it’ll start getting easier, Mrs. Carter,” the doctor tried to sympathize. “Getting used to the cancer and the treatment the first few weeks is the hardest part. It’ll get better.”

“I hope so,” she sighed and I squeezed her hand again for support.

“How about we go in and tell Lanie the good news, huh?” I smiled. “You know she’s gonna be really excited to hear that she can leave today.” Shelby smiled at the thought of that. So we held hands and went in together to share the amazing news.

“Here ya go, baby,” I kissed the top of Lanie’s head as I cradled her in my arms and walked into her bedroom. By now, the top of her head was completely hairless and her frail body was practically limp. She had lost five pounds already which was completely unhealthy for her already tiny frame.

“Daddy, can I play with Layla?” She yawned from her bed and tried her hardest to sit up, leaning against the headboard behind her for support.

“Baby, Layla’s in Tampa at my other house,” I explained. Layla scared a lot of people because she was part pit bull, but she was so good with Lanie. Very protective of her, even. “Maybe we can fly her out here in a few weeks or something. Besides, I’m not sure it’s good for you to have a dog around. It might not be healthy.” Her immune system was down now that she was sick and I knew dogs weren’t the cleanest animals around.

“Okay,” she agreed, but seemed disappointed. “I miss my friends.” She sighed. She glanced down at her empty hands and looked around her room. It was then that I spotted big tears in her eyes. “When can we go home?” I had to swallow hard to try and get rid of the pain in my throat. Home. Home as in where her and Shelby had been living. Lanie would never feel at home when she was with me.

“When you’re better,” I sat down on the edge of her bed and took her small hand in mine. “Maybe when the doctor says it’s okay we can bring some of your friends over to see you. We just don’t want to put a lot on your right now, baby girl. You’re sick and we want you to get better.” I tried my hardest to explain. No matter how much Shelby and I explained, Lanie would still have questions. That was expected. Hell, I even had questions daily. So did Shelby. We would never get them all answered.

“Are you going to come home with us?” She asked for probably the hundredth time since she had been in California. I bit my bottom lip and glanced towards the doorway. There was no sign of Shelby. “I’ve been thinking about it.” I admitted. I knew I didn’t want to get her hopes up, but I was serious. I was considering. “I might not live with you and mommy, but I might move to my Tampa house. That way, you can visit me whenever you want and I can come spend time with you and mommy.” I said softly and brushed my thumb over her cheek. Her little eyes lit up right away. She had my eyes…that only made the pain in my gut worse.

“Really?” She looked excited. I chuckled and nodded.

“Yep, but how about we keep it a secret for a little while, ‘k?” I tucked her into her bed under the covers as I began to stand up. “I don’t want mommy to know yet.” I didn’t want to explain that I wasn’t sure if Shelby would be happy with my decision or not…I wanted Lanie to think everything was just fine. Lanie nodded in agreement. “Get some rest, baby.” I kissed her forehead and stood back up. “I love you.”

“I love you too, daddy,” she grinned. “Daddy?” She asked as I reached the door. I turned around.

“Yeah?”

“Do you love mommy, too?” She asked as she propped herself up a bit on her pillows.

Shelby wasn’t around, so I didn’t worry about her hearing me. “Yeah, I do,” I answered truthfully. “I love your mommy very much.” A big grin spread across Lanie’s lips. I shook my head with a laugh and turned off the light. “Now rest.” I pretended to be stern, but Lanie knew I was playing. She giggled and I shut the door to a crack. In the small light in the hallway, I saw Shelby leaning against the wall with her arms crossed over her chest. “H-Hey.” I stumbled over my words softly and cleared my throat.

“Hi,” she said softly with a smirk stretching across her face.

“U-Uh, how much of that did you hear?” I chuckled nervously as I walked towards her and we entered the hallway leading to the stairs. I awkwardly shoved my hands deep into my jean pockets and rocked back on my heels.

“Enough,” she nodded. It was then in the small light from the moon shining through the glass window above the front door in the second story foyer that I saw the tears forming in her eyes. “You love me, Nick?” She asked me hesitantly. “I mean, if you were just saying it to make her happy I would completely understand. I’d just like to know…for real…do you love me?”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and looked down at the carpet below our feet. Of course I loved her. I loved her very much. But how was I supposed to come and just surrender myself to her? How was I supposed to trust her all over again? What if she laughed in my face when I told her I loved her? “I’ll always love you, Shell. We’ll always have a special bond.”

She nodded and glanced down at our feet. “A love where there might be something there in the future, Nick? Or a love because I’m the mother of your daughter…?” She asked curiously.

“Um,” I licked my lips. What the hell was I supposed to say? “I don’t know, Shell. I mean, we haven’t been back together in a while…maybe more of a love for the second part? But --…” She nodded and smiled to try and make it seem like she wasn’t upset, but deep down I knew that wasn’t the answer she had wanted. “I definitely think we should continue on and be together and maybe get to that point.”

“It’s okay, Nick,” she shrugged as if nothing was wrong. I sighed. She always did that – especially recently – and it really bothered me. “Really. It’s fine.” She smiled and kissed my cheek. “I’m gonna go crash. I hooked up a baby monitor in her room and the other end is in the guest room with me, so I’ll hear her if she needs me.” She explained. “Night.” I nodded.

“Night,” I sighed and turned to retreat back to my bedroom. As I climbed under the covers and leaned against the headboard, I sighed. It was only 9:03. I knew for a fact Shelby was tired, but I didn’t think she was tired enough to go to bed at 9:00 at night. What was happening? Why was everything so complicated?

I must have drifted off to sleep with the light on, even. Too much on my mind, I guess. “D-Daddy?” I heard someone cry. I opened my eyes to see Lanie standing in the doorway to my room. I glanced at the clock – 2:24 am.

“Lanie?” I scooted up and hung my feet over the edge of the bed to scoop her up in my arms. “What’s wrong baby?” I asked softly as I rubbed her back in small circles trying to soothe her.

“I-I don’t feel good,” she sobbed against my shoulder. I frowned and leaned in – her cheeks felt so warm.

“Lanie?” I heard from the doorway. We both turned to see Shelby squinting in the light of room. “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” She muttered and quickly hurried across the carpet over to sit on the edge of my bed.

“Shell, she feels really warm…” I muttered and rubbed the sleep out of my eye as I handed her off to Shelby. Shelby pressed her lips across Lanie’s forehead and gasped.

“Nick, do you have a thermometer?” She questioned and slowly rocked Lanie back and forth in her arms. I nodded and headed off to the bathroom to pull the device out of the medicine cabinet. I retrieved it and brought it back to Shelby. “Baby, put this under your tongue, okay? It won’t hurt, I promise.” She kissed her forehead once more. Lanie did as she was told, and as the thermometer beeped, Shelby pulled it away. “Shit.” She mumbled. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes, again. “Nick, it’s 104.5.” She cried and stood up with Lanie in her arms. “We need to go to the hospital now.” I gently took Lanie out of Shelby’s arms and cradled her like a baby to my chest.

“Okay, grab my cell phone and keys and we’ll get started,” I muttered. I was scared. I was tired of being scared. It seemed like every second something new was coming out of Lanie’s condition. “How bad is 104.5?” I asked as we hurried to the garage.

Shelby swallowed hard and turned back to me. “Bad.”

I had never been more scared in my life. I kept saying that. It seemed like every day brought upon a new “scariest moment of my life”. Shelby had called the doctor from the road and he had said we needed to get to the emergency room immediately. He said there were two different causes that could be effecting – both dangerous but one more serious than the other. Now Shelby and I had to sit in the hallway, huddled together waiting for the results from the tests.

“I-I don’t know what to do, Nick,” Shelby shook her head and stared blankly at the wall ahead. “It seems like she’s either throwing up, losing her hair, being overly tired or now having a high fever. What’s next?”

“I don’t know,” I mumbled and rubbed my eyes. I had a bad feeling we’d be having a lot of these late night emergency room visits and that didn’t sit well with me at all.

“Mr. and Mrs. Carter?” The doctor came out of Lanie’s room. I figured we’d have to correct him on that – everyone around here thought we were still married. “I just finished with her tests.” He sat down next to us. We stared at him awaiting the worst. “I have some good news and bad news.”

“Bad news first,” Shelby muttered and took my hand in hers. I squeezed it tightly and stared at the doctor. What could be worse?

“Well, I’m afraid Lanie’s going to get these fevers often, as long as you keep her on the anti flu medication she’s on,” he explained. We frowned. “We’ve had Lanie on the medication to reduce her risk of getting the flu or being nauseous. It’s really helping, as far as I can tell. However, the only problem is, she’ll get these high fevers quite frequently. The reason I asked you to bring her in immediately and treat it as an emergency was because with our cancer patients, being on chemo really hurts their immune system and they have a higher risk for infection. When there’s infection in our patients, it’s very hard to find and usually not easy to treat,” he sighed. Shelby swallowed and nodded. “But from the tests we’ve run on Lanie already, there’s no sign of infection.”

“Thank God,” I muttered, glad to hear the good news for once. “So she’s going to be okay?”

“She is,” he smiled. “What I want to suggest to you is, every time she gets these high fevers, put her in a lukewarm bath and, if she’s comfortable with it, put ice packs on her body. A lot of the children patients like to have a cool washcloth on their forehead and their neck. Sometimes that helps the fever to drop as well as make it more comfortable for them to sleep. Also, I’d advise to give her children’s Tylenol – one every four hours.” He directed and wrote down all the directions. “I want you to call the hospital every time you discover one of these really bad fevers – if they’re over 100.5. Check in with the nurse, they’ll record the time and date as well as the temperature and we’ll monitor it.” He explained.

“Okay, thank you,” Shelby sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “Is it too soon to have her home again? Do you think we should keep her here for another week?”

“Mrs. Carter, as far as I can see, your daughter is responding very well to the treatments. She’s experiencing many of the side effects, but that’s fairly normal, especially in small children. I think she’ll be more comfortable in her own home. But if you and your husband don’t feel comfortable, you’re more than welcome to keep her here,” he smiled politely.

Shelby nodded. “Thanks.” She looked at me.

“I’ll give you two a minute to think it over. Feel free to go see Lanie. She was falling asleep when I was in there,” he smiled and walked away. That damn smile again. Couldn’t he be a bit more solemn about the whole situation?

“What do you think we should do?” Shelby sighed and leaned back against the wall. “I mean, I love having her in the house but I was really scared tonight, Nick. I mean, what if she gets an infection and she gets one of these fevers and she dies or something?” Dies. That was the first time I had heard that word from Shelby’s mouth ever. We had never used it to describe anything.

“Shelby,” I said firmly. Part of me was angry she threw that in there. My baby was not going to die. I wasn’t going to let it. “We’ll do exactly what the doctor says. We’ll call every time there’s a high fever and they’ll record it. If it isn’t gone in an hour, we’ll bring her back in.” I said. Shelby shook her head and rubbed the tears out of her eyes.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea. I mean, what if something happens…” she trailed off.

“Could you think positively for two seconds?” I sounded rude and bitter. Maybe it was because it was nearly four in the morning. Or maybe I was tired of putting up a front and pretending everything would work itself out – because in reality, I knew there was that possibility it wouldn’t.

“Jesus, I’m sorry, Nick,” she spat out angrily. “Sorry I’m worried about our only daughter – the only person I can depend on in my life.” I felt like telling her she could depend on me, but was it the truth? Would I always be around? The past few days I had been thrown into this life with her and Lanie. I wasn’t used to it at all and I wasn’t sure if I’d be around forever.

“I don’t want to fight. Let’s just go get her, okay?” I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. This whole going without sleeping was taking a toll on me.

“Fine,” she muttered and stood up to go into the bedroom. We watched as the nurses continued to gently massage Lanie’s skin with cold washcloths. Her eyes were closed but her chest was moving up and down with each breath. “Is she asleep?” Shelby whispered. The one nurse smiled and nodded.

“We never thought she’d fall asleep, but she did,” the nurse grinned. “She’s so precious. Her birthday’s coming up, we see.” She pointed to her charts. Shelby nodded her head as a smirk appeared over her lips. “All the nurses and doctors on this floor love her. She’s such a sweet girl. We want to have a little party for her sometime.”

“She’d love that,” I smiled and walked over to the bed to kiss her forehead. “She was telling me last night how she misses all her friends.”

“We’ll have to work something out, then,” the nurse grinned. “I’ll leave you two with her. Are you going to take her back to your home or stay here for the night?”

I looked at Shelby and she looked at me. I knew what she wanted to do. She wanted to stay there at the hospital. I almost got the feeling that she didn’t trust herself around Lanie. Like she was afraid Lanie would break or something if she touched her. Sometimes I felt that way. Cancer seemed like such a horrible disease, one wrong move and we could kill her. I knew that it would take some time to learn that Lanie was still a human and still needed us to be around, now more than ever before. Even though I wanted my daughter and her mother home with me in my house where I felt comfortable, I knew Shelby felt most comfortable there. “We’ll stay for the night.” I nodded and Shelby smiled at me.

“Nick, I am so proud of you,” Brian grinned over the phone. I chuckled and rubbed my fingers over my eyes. “You and Shelby are compromising. Its gonna be a lot easier for Lanie to get through this if ya’ll continue to get along.” He threw in his opinion.

“Yeah, well, I’m almost starting to think me and Shelby are gonna get sick of each other soon,” I sighed and glanced down the hall to make sure Shelby wasn’t anywhere in ear shot. Her mom had come in again to visit Lanie so they were in the cafeteria while Lanie was getting her chemo. “I understand that she’s struggling with everything, Brian. But doesn’t she realize I am too?”

“Maybe you should tell her…” Brian suggested. “I mean, she should realize it now. Maybe she just needs to hear it from you, ya know?”

“Yeah, I don’t know,” I sighed. I ran my fingers through my hair and took a deep breath. “I feel so guilty because there are moments where part of me just wants to walk out…but I can’t do that. I don’t want to do that.” I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the wall.

“Well…” Brian started but then stopped.

“What?” I asked and opened my eyes, now curious as to what he was going to say.

“Well, we had a meeting with Johnny today. He wants to know when we’re going to be able to promote the album and get going. We shouldn’t push the release date back any…but we can’t release without promotion,” Brian explained. Shit. I had completely forgotten about the album with everything going on. “It’s already October 15th, Nick. The album release is in fifteen days.”

“Fuck,” I mumbled and rubbed my eyes some more.

“You said you wanted to get away for a while…everyone needs a breather from a situation like this. You could spend a few weeks promoting with us in Europe, then go to New York for the release and then go back with Shelby. We’ll probably take two weeks off after the release anyway before hitting the road. And you don’t even have to be at the start of the Christmas shows…Howie is gonna be getting married and having his honeymoon.” Brian tried his hardest to make this rational.

“I don’t know if I can leave, Brian. I know I want to…but Shelby would never just get up and walk away. I shouldn’t…” I bit my bottom lip. He was right, though. I really needed to take a breather.

“Johnny’s going to be calling you soon. We don’t know what to do with the album,” Brian sighed. This was a tough situation. The album was done and ready for release, but I wasn’t ready to leave yet.

“Well, I guess I’ll talk to him about it when he calls,” I muttered as Shelby came around the corner with her mom. “Listen, Shelby and her mom are coming back so I better go. I’ll call you later tonight.”

“Alright, sounds good. Give Shelby my best and say hi to Lanie for me.”

“Will do, thanks man,” I sighed. We said goodbye and hung up just as Shelby plopped down in a chair next to me. I glanced over and watched her. She looked really sick – her eyes were closed and she was fairly pale. “You okay?” I frowned.

“I don’t feel well at all,” she mumbled. “Definitely from lack of sleep and being in this hospital around sick children for the past few days.”

“I told her she needs to go rest. She shouldn’t be here when she’s not feeling well,” Alicia, Shelby’s mom, folded her arms across her chest. “Honey, you can’t take care of Lanie when you’re sick. Nick will be fine with her by himself.”

I nodded. I was surprised her mom felt that way. Her mother had seriously hated me after everything happened with Shelby and me. It was never a pretty situation. “Yeah, I have it under control.”

“I’d just feel really bad if she woke up and asked for me,” Shelby sighed and rubbed her eyes from being so exhausted. “Would you promise to call me if she needed me?” She looked over at me.

“Absolutely,” I nodded. I was pretty surprised she was even considering leaving. “I’ll go in and sit with her after her chemo and stay with her while she falls asleep.”

Shelby bit her bottom lip, obviously contemplating whether or not to leave. “I guess it would be kind of nice to go back and get some sleep for a little bit.” She looked at her mother and then at me.

“That’s what I’ve been telling you all morning,” Alicia threw her hands in the air as if she gave up with a grin. “Just take my room key and go back to the room and get some rest, alright? I’ll come by in a little bit. I wanna see my grandbaby.”

“Mom, she’s really sick,” Shelby tried to warn her. I swallowed hard. I thought Alicia was going back to take care of Shelby…when in reality, I had to put up with her. I had never had an amazing relationship with Shelby’s mom. She always thought I wasn’t good enough for her daughter, or something. I guess I could understand that to a degree, especially after all the shit I put her through.

“I know that,” Alicia rubbed Shelby’s back soothingly. “Honey, you deal with it day after day. I’ve prepared myself for this. I can handle it. And besides, Nick’s here.” Did she just smile at me? I swear I saw a grin curve up her lips.

“Okay,” Shelby grinned and kissed her mom’s cheek, then kissed mine. “Sorry I have to leave…”

“Baby, don’t worry about it,” I touched her hand softly. “We’ll be fine.” I reassured her for at least the third time now. She smiled and walked down the long hallway to exit the hospital. “She really is amazing.” I muttered towards Alicia when the conversation suddenly ended.

“That she is,” Alicia agreed and took the seat Shelby had just been in. “What exactly are your intentions, Nick?” I had remembered her asking me this question years ago when we decided to get married. I had answered her in the only way I knew how. I told her I wanted to marry her daughter and start a family with her. She wasn’t convinced…neither was I.

“I want to be here for her and Lanie…” I said truthfully. I knew in my heart that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to be the person they could turn to.

“Don’t make it seem like it’s some sort of job, Nick. Because it’s not. For the past four years, Shelby’s come to me with her problems or difficult situations. Shelby and I can get through this on our own…without you,” Alicia stated firmly. Part of me wanted to be offended, but then I realized she was just trying to protect her daughter. Alicia and Shelby had always been fairly close. She was worried about her daughter’s feelings. I didn’t blame her.

“It’s not a job,” I shook my head and looked down at my hands to compose my words. “I’ll admit…I’ve been more of a father to Lanie in the past week than I have ever before in all four years of her life. I love her, Alicia. And part of me will always love Shelby. I really think we can work out our differences and work on us. Definitely to make Lanie’s life a bit easier, but not just for her sake…for ours. I think there are a lot of unanswered questions and feelings that can’t just be pushed aside.”

Woah. Where had that come from? It seemed like the past few days I was so confused about my relationship with Shelby and what I wanted, and here in the past few seconds after being thrown on the grill by Alicia I seemed to know everything.

“I’m impressed,” Alicia nodded her head. “I never expected that to come out.” She scoffed. “Listen, Nick. Shelby keeps trying to tell me that you’ve changed…you’re different know. I guess I can see some of that. But what happens when Lanie gets better, or God forbid, something happens?” She lowered her voice. “Where do you stand when you’re child is well again?”

I swallowed hard again. These questions seemed so life altering. “I don’t think I could ever leave Lanie or Shelby’s side again…” I muttered so softly I wasn’t even sure she had heard me. Nervously, I began tapping my foot on the cold tile of the hospital floor. Why was she so demanding? I felt like I was suffocating.

“Good,” Alicia mumbled. “Because I think my daughter’s pregnant.”

I’m pretty sure all the wind was just knocked out of me from those simple words…mainly being that last one. Pregnant. I had so many questions, but only one was able to travel from my mind to my mouth. “Is she sure?” I tried to unscramble them in my head the best I could.

“Not yet,” Alicia sighed and leaned back in her chair. She looked disgusted but she didn’t seem like it was a big deal. “She hasn’t been feeling well the past few days, she said. She described her symptoms – a little nausea, but she hasn’t been throwing up. She’s been overly tired. She’s been overly emotional.”

“No offense, Alicia…” I cleared my throat. “But considering the circumstances, I think all of that’s pretty normal. Besides, I remember how bad the morning sickness was for Shelby when she was pregnant with Lanie. Shouldn’t she be throwing up?” I tried to make this seem like it wasn’t as big of a deal. There was no way she could be pregnant. We had sex once.

“Not necessarily, Nick,” Alicia jumped back. “Look, I don’t want her to be pregnant just as much as you don’t. I know after this ordeal, hell, probably even during the ordeal, you’re going to start drifting. She was devastated when you left her with Lanie. I don’t want her being left with two babies. I’m sure she can handle it, especially with my help, but I don’t want to ask her to.” She sounded defensive. Again, I didn’t really blame her. However, she had her facts wrong.

“You don’t know me,” I muttered and stared hard at her. “I’ve grown up a lot since Shelby and I were married. I know I need to be here and if we find out she’s pregnant…” I trailed off. Oh God. Pregnant? I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Then you better believe I’ll be around. Shelby and I are trying to fix things anyway, alright?”

“I understand that,” Alicia nodded her head. “But are you trying to ‘fix things’ because of being in the moment? Do you want to fix things for Lanie’s sake or for your sake?” She questioned.

“For mine and Shelby’s and Lanie’s sakes,” I said strongly. A smile curved upon Alicia’s lips, but it didn’t look friendly, it looked more like, ‘I’d-like-to-see-you-try’.

“This will be interesting to see,” she muttered. I shook my head angrily and stood up. I looked through the window to see Lanie getting her chemotherapy. Her little eyes were closed and her head was resting against the back of the chair she was in. They had the needle in her and she had her headphones on. The doctors weren’t too fond of Shelby and I always going in there with her, so I sent her in with the new Backstreet Boys’ CD to let her listen to it.

“Can you stay here with Lanie?” I turned and glanced back at Alicia.

“Where are you running off to already?” She glanced at her watch. “How long did that promise last? Thirty seconds?” She scoffed.

“I’m running off to check on your daughter,” I spat. “I want to make sure she’s okay.” I turned to walk down the hall.

“She’s not at the hotel,” Alicia called after me, suddenly feeling bad for what she said.

“Well, where is she?” I turned back around to face her with my arms crossed over my chest.

“She’s upstairs…getting the pregnancy test,” Alicia sighed and looked back towards the room where Lanie was resting. I swallowed another lump in my throat and my heart began to beat faster. I had meant what I said to Alicia. I had meant everything I had said to Shelby. But was I ready for another baby? Were we ready? The guys were already getting frustrated with me for not being ready to go on tour when I should be. There was no way I could leave Lanie and Shelby when I went on tour. And they couldn’t really come with me because of Lanie’s disease.

I walked down the long corridor to a desk. I smiled at the lady. “Uh, I’m looking for Shelby James,” I muttered. I still couldn’t believe I was standing here.

“She was in room 301,” the nurse grinned. “Congratulations!” She beamed. I wanted to throw up. I was hoping she said ‘Congratulations’ to every person that came through there, but I had a bad feeling they didn’t. I walked over to room 301 and sucked in a deep breath. No matter what, you have to be supportive, I muttered to myself. If this was true, Shelby would need me more than ever. I walked into the room only to find an empty bed. There was no one there. A frown crossed over my eyebrows. Maybe this was a good thing. Maybe this meant the doctor sent her away when they found out she wasn’t pregnant. I walked farther down the hall just to make sure she hadn’t wandered somewhere else. She had probably gone back downstairs already and I had gotten worked up for nothing.

But then I saw her. She was standing outside the nursery with her arms folded over her chest. She was staring at all the newborn babies. Shit. I walked over and cleared my throat. “Did my mom send you up here?” She muttered, not even bothering to turn around.

“No…” I rocked back on my heels. “She told me that she was suspecting that you were pregnant. I was headed back to the hotel to check on you when she told me you had come upstairs.” I mumbled and stood next to her. I didn’t want to make her upset. Her eyes didn’t leave the glass in front of her.

“I thought she was full of shit, Nick,” she mumbled and I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was choked up, on the verge of tears.

“Hey,” I mumbled and draped my arm over her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. “What’d the doctor say?” At this point I had a feeling that she was pregnant, simply by the way she was acting.

“I’m pregnant,” she whispered and dropped her head down, tears pouring from her eyes. Fuck. I sucked in a deep breath but pulled her in for a hug.

“It’s okay, Shell. Don’t worry,” I mumbled and soothingly rubbed her back in circles. I kissed the top of her head to try and calm her down. “Everything will be okay.” I was saying the words I knew I needed to. Did I believe in my heart everything was going to be okay? At this point, I had no fucking clue. At this point, my daughter was struggling with cancer, my job was calling me back to work or else, and my ex wife just found out she was pregnant.

“How the hell is everything going to be okay?” She pulled back a little and wiped the tears from her eyes. “Because right now as I see it, I can barely handle getting through Lanie’s illness. Now I have to start taking better care of myself and focusing on the life inside of me. How am I supposed to do that, Nick?”

“We’re going to have to take it step by step, okay?” I sighed and ran my fingers through her hair. “We’re definitely going to have to start thinking things through and focusing on the baby while continuing to focus on Lanie.” I sighed. Jesus, she was right. This was all getting a bit complicated.

“What about us, Nick? What the hell are we supposed to do? I mean, by gynecologist is back home in Tampa! I don’t know about any of the gynos here. And what about when it gets closer to the baby being born? And God forbid they put me on bed rest or something…” she began to ramble.

“Baby, calm down,” I stopped her before she could go any farther. “Just breathe, okay? Seriously. Let’s take it day by day. We’re going to be fine.” I sighed and pulled her in for another hug. Just for reassuring myself, I repeated, “We’re going to be fine.” I wish I could believe it.

“Brian, could you just shut up for two seconds, please?” I muttered and ran my fingers through my hair. “I could really use your support on this one instead of your complaining. Do you realize I’m freaking out here?” I tried to keep my voice low. Shelby was sitting with Lanie comforting her.

“Come on, Nick! How did you get her pregnant?” Brian sighed heavily. I could tell he was more than pissed at me. But honestly, I was starting to get pissed at him.

“How, Brian?!” I chuckled sarcastically. “Well, let’s see. How the fuck did you get Leighanne pregnant?!” I was losing my cool. I hadn’t lost it with anyone the past week and a half. But why was he being so insensitive.

“I didn’t mean how as in how. I meant how as in, how could you? You two aren’t anywhere near working things out and you go and get her pregnant?! How are you going to devote all your time to Lanie now? Huh? How are things going to get better, Nick?” All these questions and I didn’t have a damn answer.

“You don’t know what’s going on with Shelby and I right now, okay? You have no fucking clue so don’t start that shit with me,” I mumbled into the phone and stood up to pace the hallway.

“Watch your mouth, little brother,” I heard from behind me. I turned with a frown on my face to see the dark haired Kentucky man with a small smirk.

“Jesus. Brian, I’m gonna have to call you back,” I muttered and hung up. “Kevin? What are you doing here?” I walked towards him and threw my arms around him, completely happy to see someone from the outside. The past few days I had been around Shelby or the doctors or nurses, more recently even, her mom. I needed someone from my side there to support me.

“I heard you were having a rough time,” he hugged me back. Behind him, I saw Kristen and their almost four-month-old son, Mason.

“You could say that again,” I sighed as we pulled apart. “Hey Kristen,” I smiled and hugged her lightly, being careful not to squeeze Mason. “Hey little guy.” I smiled and played with his hand. “You really didn’t have to come all the way out here…” I sighed.

“We thought we’d make a vacation out of it,” he shrugged. “Kristen has some friends over here anyway.” He made it seem like it wasn’t a big deal. “Besides, I figured you could use some family support.” He winked. I smiled and nodded as we both sat down.

“Where’s Shelby?” Kristen asked as she bounced Mason playfully on her hip to keep him occupied.

“She’s in with Lanie. Lanie just got out of her chemo session and isn’t feeling too well,” I explained and nodded my head. Should I tell them? “Actually, uh, Shelby and I found out something today…” I trailed off. We all sat down in the hallway as I twiddled my thumbs in my lap. “Shelby found out she’s pregnant…” Kevin had no idea about anything that was going on, but I needed him to know. Even though I had always complained about him being the “father” of the group – always telling us what to do, how to do it and when to do it – I felt so much safer with him there.

“Wow,” Kevin’s eyes got big. Here it goes. He was gonna give me an earful, I could tell. “I’m…shocked. I didn’t realize you and Shelby were getting back together.” Okay, so that wasn’t as bad as I had expected. It could have been a lot worse.

“We’ve been talking about it the past two weeks and it just kinda happened,” I sighed. “I know I wasn’t smart to not use protection…it was an ‘in the moment’ kinda thing.” I muttered. “Shell and I don’t know what to do.” I looked to him for advice.

“Well,” Kevin sighed and looked down at the floor than back at me. “Nick, I really think you and Shelby have something special. Especially after you two can take care of Lanie together the way you do. Most divorced parents would give up. But, there’s also a reason you got divorced before. You’ve only been back around Shelby for two weeks.” He licked his lips and then continued. “I, also, think you’ve matured a lot since you and she split. You’re, obviously, proving that now.” He smiled.

To hear that from him really meant a lot to me. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if other people believed I had matured as much as I did. “Thanks, Kev.” I smiled and patted him on the back.

“I speak the truth,” he held his arms out and wrapped them around me in a tight hug. “I think you and Shelby should just take it day by day. That’s all you can do. You have nine months to think about what you’re going to do with a baby and how you’re going to handle things.” He assured me. I smiled and nodded.

“Thanks,” I sighed. “What about work? What should I do about the guys?” I mumbled. “That was Brian on the phone. They’re all getting really frustrated about not releasing the album.”

“Don’t take it too personally, Nick,” Kevin sighed. “The entire label is probably pressuring the guys to put it out – they want their money from the record sales. It’s not necessarily about you.” He started. “You know how I handled the situation…I left. But I don’t think that’s possible for you with the new album already being done.”

“And I don’t want to leave the band,” I sighed again. Being in the band was what I lived for…or it was what I had been living for before all of this. “The band is everything to me.”

“Sometimes you have to prioritize, Nick,” Kevin added. “Your family might really need you right now.” He was right, but did I really want to give up everything I had worked so hard for? “I’m not saying you have to leave the band…maybe you should sit down and talk to Shelby about it.”

“Include her in your decision,” Kristen piped up, continually bouncing Mason on her knee to keep him satisfied. I nodded and swallowed all my fear down. This would be a lot harder than I thought. I stood up and walked to the window to watch Shelby and Lanie. Lanie had her eyes closed and was resting in Shelby’s lap. Shelby was propped up against the wall, rocking Lanie back and forth soothingly.

“What’s more important, Nick? Your career or your family?” Kevin asked from behind me.

I knew what I would have said three weeks ago. But that was then and this was now. I knew what had to be done, but I also knew I’d be hurting so many people in the process. Either way I had to hurt someone. The question was, which way did I want to take?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was much later that night. Kevin and Kristen had taken Mason to the hotel across the street to get some rest and Shelby had gone to the cafeteria to get some dinner. I was proud of her. Today she had eaten all three meals. She really wanted to be strong for this baby and that made me want to be strong, too. “Hey, baby.” I smiled as Lanie opened her eyes slowly, waking up from her nap.

“Hi, daddy,” she yawned. “Is it tomorrow?” She frowned, looking around. I chuckled and shook my head ‘no’. The next day was her birthday. Every time she woke up from a nap she would ask us if it was her birthday yet.

“Not yet, baby. It’s still night time. Did you have a good nap?” I asked and crouched down closer to her to brush my hand over her forehead and check for a fever.

“Yep,” she smirked. “Daddy?” She asked me. “Why is mommy sad?” She questioned and cocked her head to the side. I frowned and kissed her forehead.

“What do you mean? Mommy’s not sad…” I tried to think of why Lanie would think that.

“Yeah she is,” she nodded. “She was crying. She said she’s scared, daddy. You should take care of her ‘cause I can’t. She always takes care of me. I think she needs somebody to take care of her,” Lanie said matter-of-factly. This kid continued to blow me away day after day.

“Oh, is that so?” I chuckled with a smile. “I’ll take care of mommy, okay. You don’t worry about it, though. She’ll be fine.” I assured her.

“Okay,” Lanie smiled and closed her eyes again. “Daddy, I’m sleepy. Sing to me?” She questioned. I smiled and nodded.

“Of course.”

As soon as Lanie had drifted off to sleep, I found my way downstairs to the cafeteria to see Shelby. She was sitting at a table for two sipping coffee and staring straight ahead. Her beautiful chocolate colored hair was thrown up in a messy bun. She had on an oversized sweatshirt with sweatpants. The way she was slouched over the table showed me just how much pain she was going through. I sighed and walked over, sitting across from her. “Hey.” She sighed and glanced around, woken out of her trance. “Sorry, it’s probably my turn to sit with Lanie, right?” She glanced down at her watch.

I put my hand on hers and shook my head. “That’s not why I’m here. Lanie’s sound asleep. I wanted to check on you.” I sighed and massaged the top of her hand with my thumb.

“Nick, I’m fine,” she sighed with a small smirk playing on her lips. “I’m going to make this work, okay? We can do this. We can take care of Lanie and raise a baby. It’s all going to work out.” I could tell she had done a lot of thinking. “Yeah, I’m scared about how I’m going to make it all work, but I think a baby’s good for me right now.”

“Shell,” I muttered and brought her hand to my lips to kiss it. “I agree, I think we can definitely pull through this and make it all work. We need to communicate a little, though…” I trailed off. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to talk about the album.

She frowned and cocked her head to the side in curiosity. “Communicate? Nick, I think we’re doing an amazing job communicating.” She laughed softly. “I never thought we’d communicate this much to tell you the truth.”

“There’s something I need to get off my chest,” I muttered. She became much more serious and straightened out a bit, waiting for what I had to say. “I’m not sure if you knew this or not, but the band’s putting out another album on October 30th. It’s a pretty big deal…I mean, we’ve been in the studio writing and recording ever since we finished touring for Never Gone. The album’s done…all they need from me is to tour…”

“T-Tour?” She stuttered and instinctively pulled her hand away from mine.

“Shell,” this was the exact reaction I was hoping I wouldn’t get but I knew would, evidently, be the one I received whether I liked it or not. “Please don’t get upset. I’m not telling you I’m going…because I’m not sure that’s what I want or need to do right now. I just need you to know and I need your opinion.”

“My opinion?” She scoffed. “Nick, are you fucking kidding me?” I could see the tears filling her eyes…I figured they were tears of anger. “Our daughter is battling cancer and I just told you I’m pregnant with our second child and we aren’t even married! You want to leave me now?” She shook her head. “You promised.”

“Baby, I’m not leaving,” I shook my head as she stood up from the table to walk away. “Shelby, I’m begging you to please sit down and just hear me out.” I said firmly. “Please.”

“Why should I?” She muttered and folded her arms over her chest. A solitary tear slipped down her cheek and she hastily reached up to wipe it away. She sighed out of defeat and plopped down. “I just can’t believe you, Nick. I trusted you again. I defended you when my mother told me I was getting myself into trouble again. You’ve changed, Nick. A lot. Don’t let these stupid temptations pull you back in.”

“I swear to you I’m not going back to that lifestyle,” I quickly defended myself. “No matter what happens, Shell. My life is for you and Lanie right now. Baby, I just don’t know what to do.” I rested me head in my hands as my elbows were propped up on the table. She was pissed at me and I didn’t blame her. I couldn’t believe it when I felt her reach over and place her hand on mine. I brought my head out of my hands and looked up at her curiously.

“Nick, I’m not going to control you,” she muttered. She was upset. I had only stressed her out more. “But I’m also not going to stand here and watch you walk away. I need you. But I know you, and I know you need your music. Maybe…maybe we can work something out.” She swallowed and looked down at the table. “Maybe you can go tour for two weeks and come back or something.” She shrugged. “And take shifts or whatever…” I could tell she wasn’t fond of the idea, but she was trying to accept it. Part of me felt happy she was actually considering, and the other part of me felt guilty for asking her to consider.

“I-I don’t know Shell,” I sighed. Before I could continue, she cut me off.

“Are you kidding me, Nick?! What? Do you want to disappear for longer than that or not come back or something?” She asked defensively. I didn’t blame her, to be honest. But I quickly interrupted her before she continued to get the wrong idea.

“No, no, no,” I shook my head quickly. “I wasn’t saying no to that…I was saying no to the tour in general. I mean, what am I thinking? There’s no way I would be able to tour right now and even focus on the music. I just don’t know what I’m going to tell the guys.” I gnawed on the inside of my lip and sighed.

“Wait a second…” Shelby closed her eyes and her brow creased in confusion. “You mean to tell me you’re actually considering telling them no? Just for me and Lanie?”

“No,” I shook my head. “I’m telling saying no for sure, I’m not considering. And no, it’s not just for you and Lanie. It’s for me, too. I can’t do it, Shell. I know I can’t.”

“Baby,” she sighed and brought my hand to her lips and kissed it. “Thank you.” She smiled. I smiled back and walked across to the other side of the table and pulled her up so I could hold her in my arms. “Really, I can’t thank you enough. I don’t know how I’d make it work.” She sighed and buried her face in my chest.

I kissed the top of her head. “You could do it…I have faith in you. But I should never ask you to do that by yourself.” It was strange, it would feel so weird having the guys release the album without me. But at the same time, I felt so great about the decision I had made. “Now I just need to call the guys.” I chuckled as we pulled away and started to walk back towards the elevator to get to Lanie’s room.

“You can do it,” she smiled and kept a hold on my hand. “I have faith in you.” She repeated what I had said moments before and squeezed my hand with a wink.

“Thanks,” I smirked. As soon as we got to Lanie’s room, I dropped her hand. “How about you go in and sit with her while she sleeps? I’ll give the guys a call…” I sighed and she nodded. She leaned up and kissed me softly.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you…” she started softly. I hushed her with another soft kiss and pulled back.

“You don’t have to,” I said softly. She smirked and walked into the room to check on Lanie where her mom was sitting. I pulled out my cell phone while I tried to think of what to say, exactly. After the first two rings, Kenneth, our manager, picked up.

“Hello?” I heard his voice.

“Kenneth, it’s Nick,” I said and sat down in one of the chairs in the hallway. “By any chance, are the other guys there?” I asked.

“Yeah, they are,” he said. “I’ll put you on speaker.”

“Thanks,” I licked my lips and sighed. After I heard them all say ‘hello’, I decided to continue. “Hey guys, I just wanted to check in with you and let you know what was going on. Uh, Lanie’s feeling a little better, I guess. She had a really bad fever the other day, but the doctor told us it’s all normal. I think we’re going to try and take her home tomorrow morning.” I decided to give them a little bit of background info.

“That’s great, Nick,” Howie spoke up. “We’re glad everything’s okay.”

“Yeah…” I trailed off. “I know it’s just about five o’clock over there,” I glanced at my watch. I knew the guys were in Florida at the moment with Kenneth at the studio in Orlando. “So I know you want to get out of the office…but I wanted to let you know where I stand with the album release. Listen, I’ve talked to Shelby and I’ve decided that I don’t want to leave her side right now. I’m not sure if Brian told you guys, but Shelby’s pregnant. I just can’t leave right now. I don’t want anything to happen to Lanie, either. I want you guys to release the album without me. Maybe we can put off touring for a little while…” I sighed and ran my hand over my face.

“How long, Nick?” Brian asked. Why was he the one so upset with everything? He seemed to be the only one that didn’t understand.

“Long enough until I can make sure Lanie and Shelby are okay. Maybe someday soon Lanie will be well enough to travel with me on the road…but right now, she’s still getting used to the chemotherapy,” I tried to explain.

“We understand, Nick. You guys waited for me when I went through my addiction,” AJ spoke up. It brought a smile to my face just knowing that he understood. “It sucks that we need to put it off, but I’m sure everyone will understand. The fans were there for us when we had to put off the band for five years. I’m sure they’ll wait around for a few more months.”

“Thanks, Aje,” I sighed with a smile. “You guys have no idea what it means to me just knowing you’re okay with this and you’re supporting me.” I tried to hint at Brian.

“We’re there for ya, man,” Kenneth said. “We’ll still plan on releasing the album October 30th. Brian, AJ and Howie can make an appearance with E! or something and explain what’s going on. Maybe you can put an article out with a magazine?” He suggested.

“Absolutely,” I nodded.

“Alright, man. Hang in there. Give me a call every now and then letting me know what’s going on. Congrats to you and Shelby,” Kenneth responded.

“Thanks, man,” I smirked. “Bye.” After we hung up, I felt relieved. This would all work out.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Lanie. Happy birthday to you,” we all sang out in the hospital room. All the nurses and doctors that had come to help Lanie the past few weeks all huddled around in her room as Shelby and I presented her with a small cake we had picked up from the grocery store. Shelby’s mom was there, as well as BJ and Aaron.

“Thank you,” Lanie grinned and blew out her four candles.

“Four-years-old already,” Shelby smiled as I took the cake to cut it. “I can’t believe you’re getting so big!” She hugged her gently, trying not to break her small frame. “You wanna open presents now?” Shelby asked as she maneuvered her way to sit behind Lanie, holding her protectively against her.

“Presents!” Lanie cheered. I chuckled and went to the small table where a lot of gifts had gathered that morning.

“Okay, let’s see here…” I grabbed the first small bag. It was from Shelby’s mom. “This one’s from Grandma.” I smiled up at Alicia who nodded back at me. Shelby reached for it and helped Lanie open it. It was a stuffed giraffe from the hospital gift store with the movie “Monster House”.

“Can we watch it?” Lanie looked up at Shelby. Shelby nodded and kissed the top of her head.

“Maybe later, kay baby? Thank Grandma for your present,” she instructed and Lanie did as she was told. I chuckled and pulled out another gift. This one was from Aaron and BJ. “Let’s see what Uncle Aaron and Aunt BJ got for you…” she pulled at the tissue paper and found a brand new baby doll with two changeable outfits and a soft blanket with different Disney characters all over it. Lanie gasped in excitement, making all of us laugh.

“Thank you, thank you!” She seemed so excited. “Mommy, this was one of the dolls I wanted!” She exclaimed. After staring at it for a few moments, she pushed the gift to the side waiting for the next one.

The nurses and doctors in the hospital had gotten her a few different DVDs to watch as well as different games to play where she could play from bed. It was very considerate and she seemed to really enjoy them. Shelby had gotten her two dolls she had wanted as well as a new Disney movie that had just been released.

“Okay, one more present, baby,” Shelby kissed Lanie’s head again. It was a loving gesture, but I had realized she was terrified Lanie would spike a fever again. “This one’s from Daddy.” She got me out of my trance and I handed Lanie the bag.

“This is kinda for the future…” I tried to explain as Lanie opened it. I had gotten her a little bathing suit and a shovel and pail.

“What’s it for?” Lanie questioned. Shelby looked up at me with a frown as she found the envelope in the bottom of the bag.

“It isn’t for any time soon,” I reassured Shelby, mainly. “I just thought it’d be nice once we get the okay from the doctor.” I shrugged. Shelby opened the envelope to find the three plane tickets to Hawaii I had gotten. Her jaw dropped open.

“Mommy, what is it?” Lanie pried and tried to reach the envelope in her hands.

“Tickets to Hawaii,” Shelby mumbled, still in shock. I smiled, hoping she was in a good shock.

“I just figured after Lanie got a little better maybe we could take a family vacation. If we need to wait until after the baby’s born, then we will,” I explained. “I just want to keep those tickets…I want us to work on getting to that point.” I said softly and put my hand on Shelby’s.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and smiled. “I think that’s a great idea, Nick.” She leaned in and kissed me softly, causing a fit of giggles to erupt from Lanie. “What do you say to everyone, Lanie? All these people came here for your birthday, little miss.” Shelby smirked.

“Thank you,” Lanie smiled around at all her guests. They all got a minute with her and then left the room. The doctor was the last one to stay.

“Nick, Shelby,” he called us out into the hallway. “She’s free to go now. I think she’ll be fine. She hasn’t had a fever all day. And like I said before, it’s sure to happen again…just follow the steps I gave you and you won’t have any problems.” He smiled.

“Thank you so much,” Shelby smiled and shook his hand. I did the same.

“Now how about you? How are you feeling?” He asked her, seeming concerned.

“Fine, other than some morning sickness,” she shrugged. “Any precautions I need to take? Anything I can to avoid…” she trailed off. I frowned, wondering what she was talking about.

“Mrs. Carter, you didn’t do anything to cause Lanie’s illness…” the doctor responded. Woah. She thought she had done something to bring this upon Lanie? I had no idea that was going through her mind. “It’s very common for parents to wonder if it was something they did in raising the child, or for mothers to think if they had eaten differently or done something differently. I checked your records. You didn’t smoke, drink or consume drugs during your pregnancy. Please don’t blame yourself. And don’t be afraid to have this baby.” He smiled. “You and your husband seem to be wonderful parents. Don’t let something like cancer stop you.”

“T-Thanks,” she nodded and swallowed hard. He walked back down the hall and Shelby turned to go back into the room. Before she could, I gently pulled on her arm.

“Hey,” I said softly. She looked up at me with big tears in her eyes. “Are you blaming yourself for this?” I asked her quietly and nodded towards Lanie’s room. She choked back a sob and nodded. “Baby,” I sighed and pulled her into my chest. “Why?”

“I just can’t stop wondering what happened. She’s been in my care ever since she was conceived, Nick. Was it something I did during pregnancy? Was it something I fed her?” We had been over this, but I couldn’t blame her for wondering.

“Come here,” I said and pulled her towards the chairs we had found so familiar over the past few weeks. We sat down and I sighed, pulling her close to me. “Sometimes I wonder if it had anything to do with me not being there…” I muttered and glanced down at my hands.

“Nick, that’s ridiculous,” she sighed and wiped at her eyes.

“See? I think it’s ridiculous when you say you caused it,” I spoke up. “Shell, neither of us did anything wrong when it comes to Lanie’s health. I think our relationship could have eventually ended up hurting her like my parents’ divorce hurt me. But maybe we caught it in time? Maybe this is supposed to help us work on us for a little while.” I sighed.

“Yeah, you’re right,” she sighed and dried her eyes a bit more. “Thanks, Nick.” She smirked and kissed me softly.

“It’s what I’m here for,” I smiled. “But while we’re on the subject…” I decided to bring up something else I had noticed with Shelby. “I’ve been watching you with Lanie…and you seem afraid that she might break or something.” I tried to word it as carefully as possible. Instead of getting my head bit off, Shelby looked down at the floor and nodded.

“I don’t want to hurt her, Nick,” she sighed.

“Baby, you aren’t going to hurt her,” I took her hand in mine and squeezed it gently. “She needs us to hold her. She needs our strength. We can’t be afraid of her or afraid that we’re gonna hurt her. I mean, I guess being gentle would be best…but don’t be afraid.”

“Dammit, Nick! This is so hard,” Shelby muttered and put her head in her hands. “I don’t know what to do around her. I don’t know…and like, this whole pregnancy thing isn’t helping any. I’m trying so hard to keep up an appetite for the baby’s health and I’m trying to do everything right,” she sighed while a few more tears spilled out the corners of her eyes.

“Shell,” I mumbled and kissed her temple. In a way, I was really glad all of this was coming out. She had kept it hidden for so long. “Don’t worry, okay? I’ll talk to the doctor before we leave and get some kind of a description of what kind of foods you should be eating to keep you and the baby strong and healthy. We can do this. I promise you, we’re going to get through this.” I said.

She sighed and smiled up at me through her tears. “I hope you’re right.” She muttered and leaned into my grasp. Not only was I trying to hold up my daughter and keep her strong through her battle with cancer, but now I was holding up my pregnant wife. I was strong enough for the both of them, but am I strong enough to keep myself going, too?

“Mommy, please?” Lanie begged from her spot in the living room where she had been watching TV. About two weeks had passed since she had been home. So far, so good. She had gotten a high fever only twice now and both times we were able to control it. It was now Halloween and she was begging Shelby to let her go trick-or-treating.

“Baby, stop arguing with me,” Shelby said firmly from the kitchen in the next room. She was making Halloween cookies. “No. I don’t want you out there. No more asking. You, me and Daddy will all watch a Halloween movie and have cookies, okay?” She sighed as she put the cookies in the oven.

She was only three weeks pregnant and getting more and more feisty every day. At this point she had bad cramps and was tired all the time. “Hey baby,” I smiled and kissed her softly as I came into the kitchen. “Everything okay?” I could hear them arguing from the dining room where I was setting up candy for the trick-or-treaters that night.

“Daddy, I wanna go trick-or-treating…” Lanie pouted as she came into the kitchen and latched onto my leg. I scooped her up into my arms.

“Lanie Marie,” Shelby scolded and folded her arms across her chest. “What did I tell you? Stop asking.” Shelby sighed. I kissed Lanie’s temple and placed her on the floor.

“Baby girl, go play in the living room for a minute, okay?” I said. She nodded and made her way to the living room slowly. She was really starting to slow down now with the chemo treatment. Her body was much weaker than it ever had been. I sighed and looked at Shelby. This entire situation would be much different than I imagined. The doctor was wanting to increase Lanie’s medication and try to speed up the process. He, also, wanted to perform surgery in the future on Lanie’s lymph nodes by her throat to try and get rid of the cancer that way. He said there was a possibility they could get rid of all the cancer there, but he wasn’t sure at this point.

“Nick, I just don’t think it’s good for her to be out around all those people and germs right now,” Shelby stated and sighed glancing down at the counter.

“Shell,” I mumbled and took her hand in mine. I had to word this as gently as possible. I swallowed the lump in my throat and went on to continue. “We should let her trick-or-treat at a few houses, at least.” Before she could interject, I continued. “What if she’s too sick next year to trick-or-treat? Or even the year after?” I muttered. I refused to let myself consider the idea that maybe she wouldn’t be around to do it at all. I pushed all those thoughts to the back of my mind.

“What if she’s too sick this year, Nick?” She quickly jumped back. Tears pooled in her eyes. “I don’t want to do anything to risk her getting more sick, okay? She’s not even strong enough to go up the stairs.” She wiped at her eyes. With the pregnancy, her emotions were really starting to come out even more so than before.

“How about we take the wagon out and just take her to a few houses. Just let her have some fun,” I tried to reason with her. Shelby knew me and knew I was too big of a kid to just sit back and watch Lanie not have a fun Halloween. “Twenty minutes out, tops.”

She sighed and looked into the living room where Lanie was watching a Halloween special on the TV. She rolled her eyes and walked into the room. I followed her, unsure of what she was going to do. “Baby, come here a second.” She sat down on the couch. Lanie walked over and plopped down on her lap. She wasn’t upset with Shelby, she was just confused as to why she couldn’t go out. “I wasn’t trying to be mean when I said you couldn’t go out, okay?” She asked and Lanie nodded. “I just don’t want you to feel worse.”

“Mommy, trick-or-treating will make me better!” Lanie sounded so determined; it brought a smile to my face. Shelby chuckled and kissed Lanie’s temple.

“That would be wonderful, baby,” she whispered. “But listen. I talked it over with daddy and I think we’ll let you go out for a little while, okay? Not too long though, and you have to ride in the wagon,” Shelby quickly added in the conditions to the agreement before Lanie got too excited.

“Okay, mommy! I promise!” Lanie squeezed Shelby tightly and then reached up for me. I picked her up and kissed her cheek. “Thank you mommy and daddy!” She exclaimed. “Can I be a princess?” She looked down at me. I glanced at Shelby who nodded.

“That’d be perfect because we have a Cinderella dress here that fits you,” I chimed in, remembering the dress I had gotten for Lanie when she came to visit once before and we went to Disneyland. I thought she would have outgrown it, but now that her body had become so frail and tiny, I was sure it would fit without a problem.

“Let’s go get you dressed,” Shelby smiled and took her from my arms. “Nick, in five minutes could you take the cookies out of the oven?” She asked me and I nodded.

“Be careful,” I instructed as I watched her walk up the stairs. We hadn’t told Lanie about the pregnancy just yet. It was too soon. The doctor said we were still in the stage where there could be a miscarriage, so we didn’t want to say anything just yet. We weren’t even sure she’d understand completely.

“I will,” she smirked at me and then kissed Lanie’s forehead.

As she disappeared upstairs, I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number. “Hello?” I heard the familiar voice. I needed to hear her voice. I had so many questions for her and I was so unsure of what was going on. She was the only one that could answer my questions. “It’s Nick. I need to meet with you.”

“O-Okay…” she stumbled over her words. We made the arrangements and then I hung up. Something had to be done.

“Can I ring the doorbell?” Lanie asked as we approached a house. Shelby smirked and lifted Lanie out of the wagon, smoothing out her dress in the process. “Don’t fall on the stairs.” She instructed as we watched her carefully hurry to the front door. She turned to us as if she wasn’t sure what to do.

“Ring the doorbell,” I chuckled. She did and almost immediately an older woman opened the door wide with a smile and a bowl of candy.

“Well aren’t you just precious,” she smiled. She sure was. She was wearing her blue Cinderella gown and a long blonde wig we had picked out from the boutique. She didn’t usually wear wigs because she didn’t like them, but she wanted to add to the costume, so she decided on wearing it. “Are you a princess for Halloween?”

“Yep,” Lanie smirked and held open her bag. “Trick-or-treat!” She cheered. The older lady laughed and dropped a few pieces of candy in the bag. “Thank you.” She smiled politely.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart,” the woman cooed over how adorable Lanie looked and watched us leave the stoop. As Lanie climbed into the wagon with my help, her wig slipped a little. “Oh, my.” The woman sounded so sincere and pitiful. I knew that was how most people reacted, but it almost offended me in a sense. She was still a human. She was just sick. I just felt like we didn’t need the pity. “Is she sick?” The woman came away from the stoop to talk to Shelby and I.

“Y-Yeah,” Shelby nodded with a soft sigh as she readjusted Lanie’s headpiece. “She has leukemia.” She explained. “Come on, baby. Let’s go.” She kissed Lanie’s forehead. “Thanks for the candy.” She smiled politely and began to pull the wagon down the driveway.

“Mommy, why does everybody know I’m sick?” Lanie asked from the wagon as she watched the other kids run down the street to try and get the most candy. “And why can’t I run like the other kids?”

“Honey, people just don’t know what it’s like to have cancer, so when they see you without your hair, they ask questions,” Shelby tried to explain. “It’s no big deal, baby. Don’t let it bother you, okay?” Lanie nodded. “And I promise you when you get better you can run all you want with the other kids.” She grinned. “Deal?”

“Deal,” Lanie smiled from the seat in her wagon. I walked next to Shelby and draped my arm around her.

“I’m proud of you,” I said softly so Lanie wouldn’t hear. Shelby frowned and turned her head towards me.

“Why? What’d I do?” She smirked with a frown.

“You answered her questions perfectly. You’re getting more comfortable with the disease,” I shrugged. “I wish I could be more comfortable with it.” I glanced down at the asphalt as we pulled into our driveway. Luckily, Lanie was satisfied with the amount of candy she had collected from the few houses we had stopped by.

She kissed my cheek and smiled. “Nick, I’ve been trying desperately to be more like you in this situation. You’re so confident and sure of yourself. I’m just trying to mirror you.” She blushed.

That’s when it hit me. We were making it work, day by day. While we were “making it work”, we were rekindling something. We knew we wanted to try “us” again and we were…no fighting, no hatred…just us being supportive of one another. It felt great.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I sipped on my Diet Coke and waited for her to come. I saw the long blonde hair and smiled, standing up to offer her and her son a seat. “Thanks for meeting me, Leigh.” I sighed. “Hey Baylee.” I smirked at the young boy sitting in front of me that reminded me so much of my daughter.

“What’s up, Nick?” Leighanne asked me, completely concerned by why I had called her there.

“I was hoping you could answer that question for me,” I sighed and leaned back in my chair. “Ever since I’ve had to work on postponing my career, Brian’s been completely unsupportive. He’s the only one that has an issue with me being home with Lanie and Shelby right now…and frankly, I don’t think that’s fair. I mean, I know it puts off touring for him, but the album was released and he gets his money. Why is it such a big deal?” I decided to be forward instead of beating around the bush. She looked somewhat shocked, but understanding.

“Can I take your drink orders?” The waiter butted in.

“Uh, I’ll just have a water. Do you have apple juice in a kid’s cup?” She asked, referring to Baylee. The waiter nodded and hurried off with the order. “Wow, Nick…” she sighed. “I had no idea this was really taking a toll on you.”

“Not to be rude, Leigh, but how would it not take a toll on me?” I shot back and leaned across the table. “Listen, Brian’s one of my best friends. I know we’ve drifted a bit and definitely aren’t as close as we used to be, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be there for me right now. I would be there for you guys if Baylee was sick…” I felt bad even saying it. Leighanne didn’t seem upset and reached across the table to put her hand on mine.

“Honey, Brian loves you, Shelby and Lanie very much and would never wish anything like this on you,” she tried to explain. I knew that. I just wasn’t quite sure why he was treating me the way he was. “It’s hard on him. I think he feels like whenever Baylee gets sick – though it definitely is never as dangerous as Lanie’s illness – he’s not able to just stop touring and come home to us. I know it’s a completely different story, I just think it’s hard for Brian to realize that sometimes,” Leighanne shrugged.

“That’s not fair, Leighanne,” I muttered and played with the rim of my glass as a distraction. “It really bugs me when I’m looking for someone to lean on and he’s not there. It’s like, I have the weight of Shell, Lanie and myself all to hold up…I can’t always do it. And I don’t really get to see friends ever. I mean, unless they come to the hospital or something. Kevin was nice enough to drop by,” I said, as well. She smiled and nodded.

“That’s what Kristin said,” she grinned. “Nick, we all love you very much. If you ever need to vent or need someone to come by and keep you company for a while…please don’t hesitate to call. Brian and I are heading back to Atlanta next week…but we really want you to keep in touch. Please talk to Brian before we leave.” She squeezed my hand and I nodded.

“I’ll try,” I fidgeted with my straw a bit more and cracked a smile. Easier said than done.

“Hey baby, what are our plans for Thanksgiving? I’d really like to have all our family come out together,” Shelby called in from the dining room where she was putting up a few fall decorations she had gotten from the store. Shelby was about eight weeks pregnant now. Besides being tired and having some cramps now and then, she wasn’t really experiencing anything else. This pregnancy was going much smoother with the morning sickness – it was slim to none.

“Our family?” I smirked from the kitchen. I walked in to see her grinning at the table with a frown over her face.

“Yeah, why?” She asked me, completely confused.

“Oh, nothing. I just find it cute that you said our family…like, including us together,” I shrugged and leaned against the table. She rolled her eyes and laughed.

“Nick, we are together,” she shrugged and smirked. I raised my eyebrows and glanced behind me to look at the couch. Lanie was fast asleep. She had her chemo that morning and had already gone through her horrible vomiting. Now she was just tired out. I casually walked across to the other side of the table and placed my hand on Shelby’s hip.

“Say that again,” I grinned and leaned in to gently suck on the soft skin on her neck. She giggled and ran her fingers through my hair.

“We are together,” she said softly. I brought my lips to hers and kissed her softly. She pulled back and glanced over my shoulder into the living room. “Nick, we can’t. She’ll wake up.” She muttered softly.

“She’ll be out for a while,” I insisted and pulled her into the other room. I closed our bedroom door. Ever since we had come back home after the emergency at the hospital, Shelby had been sleeping in my bed. She felt more comfortable there. Strangely enough, I felt more comfortable with her there.

“Nick…” she hesitated. “I don’t feel comfortable with this. If she wakes up and is alone, she might get really freaked out.” She bit her bottom lip. I sighed and plopped down on the edge of the bed and ran my fingers through my hair. “Are you mad?” She asked softly and sat down beside me.

“No, I’m not mad,” I muttered and glanced over, licking my lips before I continued. “It’s just…if we want to work on us, Shell, we’re gonna have to stop worrying so much about Lanie. I just feel like with Lanie’s cancer, the new baby on the way and everything, we aren’t really able to focus on us,” I sighed. She nodded and turned towards the door and then back at me. “I want us to work, Shell. I just need us to spend more time together, that’s all.” I shrugged.

“I understand, Nick,” she nodded. “I know where you’re coming from. It’s just so hard right now. I’m so worried about Lanie and the baby,” she confirmed my exact thoughts. I knew she was. I knew she was too preoccupied right now.

“Then how about we make a deal?” I challenged and turned towards her. She cocked her head at me and furrowed her brow.

“What kind of deal?” She asked.

“Promise me that we’ll get someone to baby-sit Lanie this weekend. We’ll go out on our own, just you and me, and have some time to ourselves,” I said matter-of-factly. She looked a little unsure, but nodded her head anyway.

“Okay,” she nodded. “I agree. It’ll be good for us.” She said. I smirked.

“Thank you, baby,” I leaned in and kissed her softly. “I can call BJ or we can try Chris and Brittany. I think they’re hanging out here in California a few more weeks before taking off for Miami.” I stood up and began throwing some dirty laundry into the hamper to put in the wash.

“Actually…I know Leighanne and Brian are leaving Monday. What if we called them and invited them over for dinner one night, then asked them to sit with Lanie? I’m sure they’d love to…” Shelby said. I glanced up from the laundry. Shelby had a slight idea about how I was upset with Brian for the way he had been acting, but I hadn’t told her about my meeting with Leighanne. And so far, I hadn’t listened to Leighanne and spoken to Brian.

“I don’t know…” I mumbled, trying to come up with an excuse as to why we shouldn’t invite them over. Shelby walked up behind me and wrapped her arms around my center.

“Baby, you have to talk to him eventually. Lanie’s not gonna be sick forever,” she whispered against my back. “Please invite them over? Lanie would enjoy seeing Baylee and it’d be good for all of us to start talking to them. Eventually you’re going back to the studio and working with them again.” She said matter-of-factly. It brought a smile to my lips. Even though we both knew now wasn’t the right time for me to be involved with the music, she was letting me know she’d support me one day in the future.

“I guess I could make a phone call,” I sighed. She squealed excitedly and turned me around to plant a big kiss on my lips.

“Thank you,” she beamed and hurried out of the room with the laundry basket.

“Hey, where are you taking that?” I laughed after her.

“I’m doing laundry,” she shrugged and turned back towards the door. I rolled my eyes with a laugh and followed her. It had been a lot different with the girls living in the house. Shelby was a lot cleaner than I was, so she was picking up a lot of the “chores” around the house. I loved it…it made it feel more real. It made it feel like we were really a family again. “So where are we gonna go on our getaway weekend?” She asked as she piled some clothes into the washer.

“Well, I think I should keep it a surprise,” I grinned as I leaned against the doorframe of the laundry room. She rolled her eyes at me.

“As long as we don’t use Lanie’s Hawaii trip. I really do think that’d be a great family vacation to take once she gets better. Maybe by then this little guy will be able to go on a vacation,” she beamed and placed her hand on her stomach. She was getting more and more comfortable with the fact of having another baby.

“How do you know it’s a boy?” I questioned as I moved into the room and wrapped my arms around her from behind. She continued to throw clothes from the hamper into the washer.

“I don’t,” she smirked. “I just think it’d be nice to have a little boy running around here too. I mean, we’re blessed with whatever we have.” She shrugged and I kissed her cheek.

“I agree,” I smiled. “We could use another male Carter in this house.”

She turned in my arms and looked up at me seriously. My brow furrowed, curious as to why the subject had turned from light and humorous to solemn all of a sudden. “So you really want to keep us all around this time?” She asked me softly. “You really want me, Lanie and this baby?” She asked once more, placing her hand on her abdomen.

I looked down at her stomach and placed my hand over hers. “Baby, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Brian! Leighanne!” Shelby grinned from the doorway. “I’m so glad we got to have you all over. Hey Baylee.” She kneeled down to his level. “How are you, munchkin?” She winked.

“Fine,” Baylee smirked and peeked over her shoulder. As soon as he spotted Lanie, his smirk turned into a large smile. “LANIE!” He cheered and ran over to greet her.

“Bay, be gentle,” Leighanne commanded from the foyer. She smirked and hugged Shelby. “How are you? Is everything going okay?” She asked. Shelby nodded and smiled. Leighanne moved her way down the line to greet me next. She gave me a big hug as Brian stepped up to see Shelby.

“Thanks for having us over, Shell,” he kissed her cheek politely and gave her a tight squeeze.

“Oh, please. Thank you,” Shelby smiled. “Nick and I could really use this mini vacation, wherever it is he’s taking me.” She grinned back at me. “We’re just so appreciative we could have you guys come in and sit with Lanie for a day. We don’t trust many people with her.” She complimented.

“We’re honored,” he beamed. Shelby and Leighanne disappeared into the kitchen to set up for the dinner we were having. The plan was we’d all have a nice dinner, and then the next day Shelby and I were leaving.

“You wanna get a beer and sit out back for a little while?” I asked Brian. I knew I would need to confront him eventually about why he was being so insensitive about the entire situation. He nodded and smiled as he saw Lanie and Baylee walking towards us holding hands.

“Hi Miss. Lanie,” Brian greeted and knelt down to her level. “How are you feeling, sweetheart?” He asked as he gave her a gentle squeeze.

“I’m good Uncle Brian,” she smiled and kissed his cheek.

“I’m so glad, honey. You two play nice, okay?” Brian said as we headed towards the back porch where there was a mini bar. We sat down and started enjoying a drink. “I’m glad Lanie’s kinda hit a steady path right now in her illness…” Brian tried to be positive.

“Yeah, it’s great,” I nodded. “She’s really starting to get used to the chemo now. She doesn’t get as sick as she used to and she hasn’t had a high fever in weeks.” I smiled. It was so weird. The typical parent would be content knowing their child hadn’t gotten a fever in a year. With Shelby and I, we were thrilled to know Lanie hadn’t had a fever in a week.

“That’s great,” Brian nodded. He was being cordial, but the atmosphere was so thick. There was tension and I was so confused as to why.

“Brian, can I ask you something?” I put my drink down on the bar and turned fully towards him. He frowned but nodded.

“Sure, Nick,” he encouraged me to continue.

“Are you mad at me or something? Upset? Frustrated? Do you have any negative feelings toward me?” I questioned. He seemed shocked that I was asking. He set his drink down, as well, and focused on me.

“Why would you ask me that, Nick? Of course I don’t…” he trailed off. I frowned once more. Was he serious? He had been so angry with me it seemed and now he had no idea what I was talking about?

“Brian, ever since I told you guys I couldn’t work on the tour anymore, you’ve been completely unsupportive. I mean, yeah, you came with me to the hospital when Lanie was diagnosed and I still can’t thank you enough. But ever since…you’ve treated me differently…” I was expecting him to fly off the handle. I was expecting him to lose his cool. But instead, he glanced down at the bar and fidgeted with his drink a little. “Bri?”

“I-I…” he trailed off. “I was a little upset with you, Nick, I’ll admit. I guess not even upset or mad…or frustrated, even. Well, maybe a little frustrated,” he sighed.

“Why?” I frowned, curious as to what I had done this time.

“Nick, do you realize that there are times I’ve wanted to just take a break from touring to spend time with my wife and son? Sure, they come on tour with us a lot…but when they don’t, I miss them so much. I miss so much that happens with Baylee. Kids grow up fast. I’m so tired of missing things. And Leigh. God, she’s my wife…I’d like to get some quality time with her every now and then. But I’ve never been able to do that, Nick. I’ve never been able to stop because I’ve wanted to stop. When AJ went to rehab, yes, we were all able to work on our personal goals. And I came out with a son. But still. All of a sudden you decide your family matters to you and we have to stop touring,” he rambled off.

I was shocked. Somewhat insulted, but mostly shocked. “I never knew you felt that way.” I managed to mumble. “I don’t think you’re playing fair, Brian. How can you say that my family didn’t matter to me before all of this, huh? Lanie’s my daughter for Christ’s sake.” I spat. How dare he tell me I never cared about my family before Lanie got sick?

“Where was Lanie living before she got sick, Nick?” He shot back. “Were you even on speaking terms with Shelby? And now she’s pregnant?!” He exclaimed.

“You of all people should know I’ve changed by now,” I was starting to get angry. I didn’t even notice the tears filling my eyes until one pooled over the corner and cascaded down my cheek. “I love Shelby and Lanie more than anything in life. And you and your God shit should know that everything happens for a reason. And yeah, I pray every day asking why my daughter? Why my family? But you know what? I think I’ve finally realized…this sickness has pulled us all in closer as a family. I want to spend the rest of my life with Shelby and Lanie. I am so excited to have this baby with her. Can it be my turn now, Brian? Can I have my turn to experience what you’ve had with your family?” It was more a rhetorical question than anything, but I watched the expression on his face turn from anger and frustration to sympathy.

“I didn’t realize you felt so strongly…” he trailed off and took a quick swig from his beer.

“You didn’t realize because you never asked,” I muttered and took a gulp from mine. I shook my head and sighed. “Shit, Brian. I just…I thought you were one of my best friends. I used to be able to come to you whenever I needed advice or if I had a problem. I just don’t get it.”

“Nick, how would you feel if you and Shelby stayed married at this point in time and Lanie was perfectly healthy, but you were told we were gonna fly across the world to tour and promote an album and you wouldn’t see either of them for a while? Baylee’s about to start up a school program and he can’t just tag along as much anymore. You’d be missing so much. How would you feel?” He repeated. I looked down at my glass and turned it slightly on the table.

“I’m sorry,” I shrugged. “I didn’t ask for my daughter to have cancer so I could stay at home with her. What would you do if Baylee had cancer? Do you honestly think me, AJ and Howie would be pissed at you for having to stop the tour? Shouldn’t you be happy with me? Now you get to go home with them for a while,” I just didn’t understand where he was coming from with this one.

He bit his bottom lip gently and glanced back up at me with a sigh. “I’m sorry, Nick.” He said genuinely. “I never really thought about it that way…I could never imagine Baylee being as sick as Lanie.”

Yeah, I was pissed at him for being such a jackass. And yes, he didn’t have any right to turn against me the way he did. But no harm was done. And it seemed…fixed. “It’s alright, man.” I shrugged it off. “I just…I want us to be okay, ya know?” I mumbled and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Hey,” he caught my attention and nodded at me. “I really am sorry. And I do want us to be okay. I want us to be the way we were before…” he grinned. I knew he meant our goofy, silly selves. I chuckled and finished off my beer.

“I couldn’t agree more.”

“Bye, baby. If you need anything tell Aunt Leighanne or Uncle Brian and they’ll call us, okay?” Shelby kissed Lanie’s forehead for the millionth time. “If she even feels slightly warm, call her doctor and then call me, okay?” She made Leigh promise. Leighanne hugged her and nodded.

“Shell, it’s for two days. I promise she’ll be fine,” Leighanne smiled. “If anything happens, we’ll give you guys a call.” She assured Shelby. I bent down and kissed the top of Lanie’s head.

“I love you, baby,” I smiled. “Just remember, Miss Amy is going to come by and give you your medicine every day and sit with you while you’re sick, okay?” I reminded her. We had a nurse coming in to give her the chemo while we were away and sitting with her while she was sick. We didn’t want Leighanne or Brian having to worry about it.

“Okay daddy,” Lanie smiled up at me from her position on the floor playing with her toys. We said our final goodbyes and made our way out to my black Cadillac. Shelby sighed as she buckled her seatbelt and fidgeted with her purse while I started the car.

“Shell, she’s gonna be fine,” I reassured her and placed my hand on hers as I backed out of the driveway. “Leigh and Brian know what they’re doing and the nurse will be there most of the time anyway.”

“I know, it’s just, I feel like such a bad parent for leaving her when she’s so sick, ya know?” She mumbled and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“We’re not bad parents,” I assured her. “We need a break every once and a while, too. We can’t put all of our energy into Lanie and then not get it back from anywhere.” I explained. I hadn’t told Shelby where we were going yet. I was hoping she’d be surprised. She wouldn’t figure it out, exactly, until we got there.

“Okay,” she sighed, content for the moment. She glanced out the window and then back at me with a curious frown. “So where exactly are we going?” She asked me. I grinned.

“I’m still not telling,” I stuck my tongue out playfully. She rolled her eyes and giggled. “You’ll find out soon enough. I promise.” My hand had now moved to the gear in between us. I watched as she glanced back out the window. I figured she was partly trying to figure out where exactly we were headed, and part of her was in deep concentration. “What’s on your mind?” I asked her softly.

She smiled back over at me and shrugged. “Oh, I don’t know.” She mumbled and played with her fingers in her lap. “Lanie, the baby, us. Normal stuff.” She chuckled. I nodded and continued to watch the road in front of me.

“You still feeling positive?” I wanted to double check. Shelby and I had really come a long way so far – we were getting through this day by day; I wanted to make sure she was still okay with everything.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “Just…thinking.” She shrugged with a sigh. “I, uh, I was thinking maybe we could have a bunch of our stuff transferred from Florida over here.” She mumbled and glanced at me curiously, almost afraid of what I would think of that. Little did she know, I was very pleasantly surprised. I grinned and nodded.

“Oh really?” I smirked.

She laughed and nodded. “Yeah, I mean, I’m not sure what’ll happen when Lanie’s better. But I guess we’ll just see?” She mumbled and licked her lips.

I knew I wanted her to stay forever. I would never ask her to leave. But I also knew she wasn’t at that point in our relationship where she felt comfortable announcing that. I was hoping after tonight and tomorrow she’d feel a bit differently. “Okay, that sounds good.” I said simply. I saw her frown in my direction; she knew I never gave up that easily.

She turned her direction back to the window and frowned as we started to pass more signs directing us to the beaches. “Nick, where are we going?” She asked, again. I shook my head and smiled.

“You’ll see soon enough,” I repeated.

“Are you taking me to the beach?” She asked, getting somewhat excited. I knew Shelby loved the beach. That was our favorite place when we were together. I knew Shelby had worn off on Lanie a bit because whenever she was staying with me, she always wanted me to take her to the beach.

“Jeez, woman! Do you not know what the word ‘surprise’ means?” I laughed and so did she.

“Oh my God! You’re taking me to the beach!!” She squealed and put her hand on mine. “Nick, this is gonna be incredible! I haven’t been to the beaches out here in LA since…well…since you and I were together!” I laughed and smiled at how excited she was. I hadn’t seen her this excited or happy since before Lanie got so sick.

“Wow, I couldn’t deny it now,” I joked. “What if I was taking you to some restaurant or something and we weren’t even going to the beach?” I laughed. “Dude, how bad would that suck? I’d have to like, completely rearrange my plans and everything because you’re so excited.”

“Aw,” she pouted playfully. “You’d do that for me?” She blinked her beautiful brown eyes a few times and made the infamous Shelby James-Carter ‘puppy dog’ face that got me every time.

“Of course,” I said softly and focused back on the road. “I’d do anything.” I said seriously. She smiled and turned back to face the road as well.

“It kills me when you say stuff like that,” she said quietly. Our moods went from playful and fun to serious and quiet. She glanced in my direction and I frowned.

“Uh, good kill or bad kill?” I tried to joke. I knew ‘kill’ usually meant bad.

“I-I don’t know,” she frowned. “Just, when you say stuff like that. It just gets to me because those are things you used to say when we were together before…and I fell for them. But you didn’t mean any of it.” She mumbled.

“Shell,” I sighed and placed my hand on hers again. I tried to look at her as best as I could as we continued to drive down the highway. “Things are different now. You know that. I’ve changed so much. I swear to you I’m not the same guy I was five years ago.”

She nodded through tears and looked back out the window, and then back at me once more. “I don’t know how to believe you, Nick. I really, really want to. But it’s like I’m too broken to even try.” She shrugged and wiped at her eyes.

“I want to prove it to you,” I said simply. She nodded. “I swear I will, Shelby. I’ll make you see how much I want you, Lanie and the baby.”

I had to do something. I knew this weekend might be a good chance to prove to her I really was different and I really wanted her and Lanie and this new baby for the rest of my life.

“Okay,” she smirked a little. I pulled up to a boat dock. I was hoping this little conversation hadn’t completely ruined her attitude. It’d be really hard for me to prove how much I loved her and wanted her when she was completely not in the mood to even be around me. I glanced over and watched the corners of her lips slowly curve up in a grin. “Are you taking me on a boat?” She asked softly and bit her bottom lip in anticipation.

I chuckled and nodded. “Yeah.” I was so excited just because she seemed completely excited. It really made me feel great knowing just how much she was enjoying this already.

“You are amazing, you know that?” She beamed and opened her car door.

I grinned like a teen who had just been kissed for the first time. She called me amazing. Maybe that spark was turning into a fire now after all.

I held out my hand to her as I helped her on the boat. She grinned and immediately went to survey everything. She hadn’t been on my boat in years. “Hasn’t changed much.” She smirked.

I shrugged and started to untie the knots that were holding the boat to the dock. “I don’t get to come out here much. Usually whenever I go out I go out in Tampa. This place is probably a mess, come to think of it.” I laughed.

“Eh, doesn’t look to bad to me,” she smirked and plopped down on one of the benches by where I would sit to drive the boat. “We really should bring Lanie out here sometime.” I saw the happiness in her eyes just thinking about Lanie. “She would love this.” I nodded and started the engine.

“That’d be fun. Hopefully soon we’ll be able to take her out in public more,” I muttered. As soon as I said that, I heard a camera’s shutter close and open and noticed a flash. “God dammit.” I spat and headed towards the end of the boat to yell at whatever paparazzi was there.

I felt Shelby catch my arm as I walked by. I turned back and frowned. “I’m okay with it if you are,” she shrugged nonchalantly. Was she telling me she was okay being seen with me? Did she realize the media would take this and run with it, probably coming up with some crazy rumors along the way?

“Are you sure?” I asked her. “I mean, they’re probably gonna sell all these pictures to magazines and internet sources around the country.” I explained, making sure she realized just what would happen if these pictures did get out. “People are going to start stopping you in the street and asking you if you’re with me.” I chuckled.

She shrugged with a grin. “You’ll probably be right by my side anyway, so it’s not a big deal.” She shrugged. Wow. I was never expecting her to just open up like that.

“Alright,” I nodded. “Well, let me just go say a few words so they know not to follow us out on the water.” I said and she nodded. “Hey guys.” I said as I approached the photographers.

“Nick! Who’s the girl?” One of them asked as they continued to snap pictures.

“She’s my ex wife, Shelby. We’re just taking a little breather. We’re happy to give you the photos you’ve already gotten but we just ask that once we get out on the water you give us our privacy, aiight?” I grinned politely. I heard Shelby snicker in the background.

“Sure, man. No problem,” the photographer smiled. “Thanks for your time, Nick. Are you two back together?” He asked.

I glanced back at Shelby who shrugged. I figured that meant it was up to me. What did I want to say? Whatever I said would for sure end up all over the internet and magazines by that night. “Uh, we’re working through some differences. Our daughter’s sick and we’re trying to pull through together.” I nodded my head, again, to be polite. I had learned over the years the more polite I was towards these guys the easier it was to get them off my back.

“That’s great, man,” another photographer yelled out. “All the best to you both. And we hope your daughter starts to get better soon.” They nodded in appreciation of the pictures and information and turned to walk away.

“Thanks guys, have a good night,” I smiled and headed back to the boat.

“Nicely done,” Shelby grinned as I sat down in the captain’s chair and motioned her over. She grinned and sat down on my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. She gave me a soft kiss on my cheek.

“Thanks,” I beamed. “I’m used to it by now, I guess. But, uh, just so you know? You’re probably gonna start getting a lot more attention now. If you happen to be somewhere by yourself you might get pictures taken or questions asked. Let’s just agree one place we won’t allow the photographers are in the hospital.” I said as I backed the boat off the dock.

She nodded in agreement. “Sounds like a plan.” She sighed and leaned her head against mine. “So where are we gonna go?” She asked. I shrugged.

“I don’t really have a plan, I just thought we could drive out here a bit and watch the sunset, then maybe eat some dinner and just see where the night takes us,” I smirked. She nodded and kissed me softly.

“I like that idea,” she whispered and began to tug at the hairs at the back of my head. I grinned as she kissed her way down to my jaw line, and then down farther to my neck.

“Wow, all I have to do is take you out on a boat and you’re like putty in my hands,” I laughed and she giggled softly.

“I just missed spending some quality time with you. And I guess the way you’ve been handling situations has really started to prove to me that you’re different. You would have never listened to me back there, you know that?” She asked me and I nodded. She was right. I never would have even thought about listening to her. I would have lashed out at those guys and an article would have appeared in a magazine the next day telling everyone what a psycho monster I was.

“I know,” I mumbled and kissed her softly. I increased the speed a little as we bounced gently over the waves. I grinned I loved this. But then I felt her body tense. “Shell?” I frowned and looked into her eyes. Her eyes were big and she clutched at her stomach. She flew off my lap over to the side of the boat to throw up. I stopped the boat. “Shit.” I muttered and hurried over to her. I placed my hand on the small of her back to try and comfort her. “Baby, you okay?” I frowned as she finished throwing up and climbed back over to sit against the bench. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily.

“Damn, I never used to get sea sick,” she mumbled. I got her a bottle of water out of the cooler.

“I know, you love my boat,” I frowned, trying to figure out why she was so sick all of a sudden.

She grinned, which completely threw me off. She had just been sick, what was making her smile? “Yeah, I love your boat. But I’m not so sure baby loves the boat.” She laughed softly and put her hand on her abdomen.

I got it now. I chuckled and put my hand around the back of her head to pull her in so I could kiss her forehead. “I’m sorry you’re so sick. You wanna head back in?” I asked her. We had barely been on the water for five minutes.

She nodded sheepishly. “I’m sorry. I had no idea it was gonna be like this.” She grumbled and rested her hand on her stomach with a sigh.

“It’s not your fault your sick,” I winked and went back to my seat. She stayed by the edge of the boat to let the wind rustle her hair. Now I would just have to come up with some other surprise or something amazing to do. I sighed and continued on only a little while longer until we reached the dock again. I tied the boat up and hopped over the edge, reaching out my hand to Shelby. She wobbled over, feeling a little woozy again. “You wanna go home?” I asked carefully. I really hoped she didn’t want to, but I also didn’t want her to not feel well.

“I think I’ll be okay if I stay on solid ground for a little while,” she laughed softly. “I’m really sorry I totally screwed up our plans.” She mumbled. I could tell she really did feel terrible.

“Hey,” I squeezed her hand. “It’s okay. We’ll just improvise and come up with something else. We can relax on the beach for a little while or something.” I shrugged. It really wasn’t a big deal to me. Yeah, I’d love to be able to spend some quality time with her out on the water, but it wasn’t the end of the world if I couldn’t. The way I saw it, as long as we were spending time together we’d be okay.

“So, what do you wanna get for dinner?” I asked Shelby. We had been relaxing on the beach for a few hours now, just watching the waves roll in.

“Hmm…” she smirked. “Chinese is sounding really good right about now. I could go for some sweet and sour chicken with that yummy sauce or whatever…oh! And fried rice.” She grinned. I laughed and kissed her cheek softly. “I think I’m gonna call and check on Lanie really quickly…” she fidgeted in her beach bag for her cell phone.

“Baby, you just called twenty minutes ago,” I sighed. I knew she was having a hard time being away from Lanie. She hadn’t been away from her, really, ever. The only times they were separated was when Lanie would come and spend time with me. “I’m sure she’s fine.” I kissed her forehead sweetly. “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna run to the Chinese place down the street.”

“Okay, be safe,” she grinned and flipped the page to her magazine. The thought of checking up on Lanie seemed to quickly fade from her mind. I pulled my Tampa Bay Bucs t-shirt on quickly and grabbed my wallet out of the beach bag with my cell phone and keys, then hurried up the beach to the boardwalk that led me to my car.

Granted, even though I knew Shelby and I had just checked up on Lanie, I was really getting worried. It was weird for me because I was never a worrier. Whenever Lanie would come and stay with me, it’d be like having Baylee around. She’d only be there for one or two days, so I didn’t feel much responsibility at all. Now it wasn’t just responsibility that was causing me to worry, it was the fact that I loved her and she was my daughter. I fiddled with my cell phone and after a bit of contemplation, I dialed the house. I climbed into the Cadillac and headed down the street as the phone rang.

“Hello?” I heard Brian’s southern twang.

“Hey Brian, its Nick,” I licked my lips as I turned the corner. “Uh, how’s everything?” I tried to make it seem like small talk. He chuckled, completely on to what I was saying.

“Everything’s fine, Nick,” he chuckled. “Here, you know what? You wanna talk to Lanie yourself so we can prove to you that the house isn’t burnt down and she’s feeling fine?” He joked. “Lanie…” he said in the background. “Your daddy’s on the phone.” He passed the phone on.

“Daddy!” Lanie squealed excitedly in the phone.

“Hey baby girl,” I grinned. She sounded so happy. “How are you?”

“I’m good. Guess what? Miss Amy came this morning and gave me medicine and I didn’t get sick as bad! Then Uncle Brian went out and got us a movie! And now I’m playing with Brian,” she sounded so happy. I laughed at the rundown of her schedule.

“That’s awesome, baby,” I grinned. “I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were feeling okay.”

“Okay daddy,” she said. “When are you coming home?”

“Tomorrow. Your mommy and I are having a fun time, too. So we’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, okay?” I smiled as I stopped at a stoplight. “Be good for Uncle Brian.”

“I will, daddy,” she said. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” I grinned. I was so excited to have her in my house again. This time, with Shelby. So many times before when Lanie would come I would almost be upset; Lanie resembled me so much in looks, but she resembled Shelby so much in personality. It was funny. Everything the child did or said somehow reminded me of Shelby – even when she was first starting to talk.

“Nick?” I heard Brian’s voice.

“Hey, thanks for putting up with me,” I laughed. “I just…got weird. I don’t know. I guess I’m becoming a protective parent.” I smiled. Yeah, being overprotective wasn’t really the greatest thing in the world. But I was proud to be one. I was proud to care so much about my kid.

“I completely understand. I just never expected you to be that kind of dad,” he chuckled. “I’m proud of you, Nick.” His tone became more serious. I beamed. Hearing Brian say he was proud of me was such a huge kick and it made me happy.

“Thanks, Brian.” I pulled into the Chinese restaurant.

“I mean it. You’re a great dad, Nick. I’m sorry I didn’t take the time to see that before,” he apologized. “Oh, and just for the record…Lanie’s thrilled to be living with you again. All she talks about is you and Shelby…together.” He said softly. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

“I’m glad,” I parked the car and shut off the engine. “Well, I’m gonna go pick up some Chinese for Shell and I for dinner. So, I’ll talk to you later. Oh, and Brian?” I bit my bottom lip.

“Yeah?”

“Could we keep this call between you, me and Lanie? I told Shell it’d be ridiculous to call since we just got off the phone with you like, twenty minutes ago. So, uh…I don’t want her to think I’m so protective…” I said softly. He chuckled.

“Sure thing, buddy.”

“Thanks,” I grinned. We said goodbye and I hung up to go inside and get some food.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I gnawed on my fingernail. Nick had said not to call – everything was fine. But I just needed to. I had that motherly instinct inside of me where I needed to know what my daughter was doing and how she was feeling. I found my cell quickly and dialed the house number.

“Hello?” Brian asked.

“Bri, it’s Shelby,” I said quickly and glanced over my shoulder to make sure Nick wasn’t back on his way. I heard Brian start to chuckle and I rolled my eyes. “I know, I know. We just called like, twenty minutes ago. I’m sorry. I couldn’t help myself. How’s Lanie?” I bit my bottom lip out of worry.

“She’s fine. In fact, I’ll let you talk to her yourself,” he passed on the phone. I heard him say, “Lanie, it’s your mommy.”

“Mommy?” I heard her almost question.

“Hey baby! How are you?” I beamed just hearing her voice.

“I’m good…” she sounded confused. I frowned, hoping she wasn’t angry with me for leaving her. “I’m watchin’ a movie with Uncle Brian and Baylee.” She said.

“Oh, that’s great! I just wanted to check on you and make sure you were feeling okay,” I said and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. “Your daddy and I are having a fun time. He went out to get dinner for us so I wanted to call and talk to you.”

“I know,” she said. I frowned and wondered how she knew that. “He called me to see if I was feeling—…” she was cut off by Brian.

“Okay, okay. That’s enough chit chat,” he sounded nervous. “Uh, how’s the vacation? How’s Nick? Are you guys having fun? Did he take you out on the boat?” All these questions started flying. A small grin curved up the corners of my lips.

“Let me say goodbye to my daughter, Brian,” I said slyly. He knew I had caught on.

“Oh, well, she’s already watching the movie…” he lied. “Um, you know what? How about we give you two a call before Lanie goes to bed tonight? That way you can say goodnight--…”

“He called, didn’t he?” I beamed. I was so happy. Nick was worried too. That gave it away for me. That told me he was truly caring about our family.

Brian sighed heavily. “Yeah, he did. But he told me not to tell you because he didn’t want you to think he was overprotective.” He explained.

“Aw! That is the cutest thing ever!” I felt happy tears welling up in my eyes. “Thanks, Brian.” I grinned.

“Yeah, yeah,” he muttered playfully, disappointed the secret hadn’t been kept. “Here Lanie, you talk to her. She already figured us out. Way to go.” He joked.

“Hi mommy,” I heard her little voice on the phone. I laughed and glanced behind me to see Nick’s Cadillac pulling back into the parking lot.

“Hi baby. Well, I’ll let you get back to your movie. Daddy and I will try to call again before you go to bed, okay? Have fun with Baylee, Uncle Brian and Aunt Leighanne. Be good, okay?” I instructed. She giggled.

“Okay, mommy,” she said. We said goodbye and both hung up right as Nick was coming back up the beach.

Shelby was watching me intently. “What’d I do?” I chuckled as I plopped down on the beach towel next to her with the bag of food. She leaned over and kissed me passionately, pushing me down on the towel and crawling on top of me. As we both pulled away, she licked her lips. “Wow. Seriously, what’d I do?” I chuckled, this time wondering what I did to make her so happy to see me so I could do it again.

“You called home,” she said simply and kissed me again, this time a bit more gentle. I blushed.

“Dammit, Brian,” I sighed. She put her finger over my lips to silence me.

“Nick, with that simple gesture you have completely shown me that you’re in this for real. You’re not in because you should be or you have to be. You’re in because you want to be,” she started, sitting up on the towel so I could sit up as well and listen. “You love our daughter and you care about her. You really proved that to me whether you meant to or not. And that makes me so excited to have this baby with you. I was excited, nonetheless. But it’s much more exciting when we both want this…not just me.” She licked her lips and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “So, I know we haven’t really said this yet…but I want you to know that I love you.”

Shelby telling me that she loved me was such a huge step for us. It really opened the door to so much more and we were closer than ever. Our getaway trip couldn’t have come at a better time. Now it was already nearing Thanksgiving and Shelby and I were trying to figure out a way to get our families all together.

“Daddy, I have to take my medicine. Can you help me? Mommy’s in the potty,” Lanie came to the door of my studio where I was working on a song for Lanie and Shelby.

“Sure, baby,” I put the papers back in the drawer and went to the door to pick her up. I kissed her cheek gently and walked her into the living room where she had her chemo every day. I always hated giving it to her. Pricking her with a needle seemed so cruel, but she was used to it by now. Besides, it was good to give Shelby a break every now and then. She wasn’t showing yet with the pregnancy since it was only just about ten weeks, but she was definitely experiencing the symptoms – she was more nauseous now more than ever and was very emotional.

“Daddy, can you turn on Veggie Tales?” Lanie asked me as I finished putting the needle in her hand and allowing the slow drip to take place.

“Sure,” I grinned and turned on the TV for her.

“Hey baby, you want me to do your medicine?” Shelby asked, completely exhausted from the door of our master bedroom. She came into the living room to see it had already been all set up. She grinned and kissed the top of Lanie’s head. “Did Daddy help you?” She asked.

“Mhm,” Lanie nodded, continuing to stare at the TV.

“Thanks, Nick,” Shelby beamed. “I really appreciate it.” I nodded and kissed her as she passed by me in the kitchen. “I have my ten weeks doctor appointment this afternoon. But I wanted to see if you had gotten in touch with Aaron or anybody.” She sat on the stool against the counter as I poured Lanie some juice – I knew she’d need it in about an hour when she was sick.

“Yeah, Angel called today and said they’re all in,” I grinned. I was really glad my family was going to be coming in for a little while. “How about you? Is your mom gonna make it?”

“Yeah, she said she’d be here,” she smiled too. “I’m so excited! I can’t wait to cook.” She wiggled her eyebrows. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

“Greattt,” I said jokingly. She put her hands on her hips in an offended manner and I chuckled. “I’m just kidding, baby.” I kissed her softly. “But I want you taking it easy, okay? Not too much time on your feet. With my sisters here and your mom here, we should have no problem getting a dinner out…even if it’s a little burnt. BJ’s pretty good with food…but Angel and Leslie aren’t amazing or anything.” I laughed.

“We’ll figure it out,” she grinned and kissed my cheek softly. “But hey, I’m gonna be late for this appointment. You good here with Lanie?” She asked as she fastened her watch around her wrist. I nodded and screwed on the lid for her juice.

“Are you okay going by yourself? I could give someone a call to come and sit with Lanie…” I offered, though I knew neither of us wanted Lanie being with someone else while she was sick. With family or close friends like Brian and Leighanne it wasn’t a problem, but neither of us felt comfortable with a regular baby-sitter.

“I’m fine,” she smiled. She walked into the living room and kissed the top of Lanie’s head. We hadn’t told her yet about the baby. We wanted to be sure there wouldn’t be any complications. The doctor said once she started showing we should probably mention it to Lanie, especially because at that time there was a much smaller chance of miscarriage. “Bye, sweetie. I’m gonna head to the doctor, okay? I’ll be home soon.”

“Bye mommy,” Lanie said from the couch, her eyes already growing heavy from the medication. Shelby sighed and walked back into the kitchen to grab her purse and keys.

“Drive safe,” I smiled. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” she grinned and kissed me quickly. She left into the garage and I headed into the living room to check up on Lanie.

“Hey baby girl, how ya feeling?” I asked softly as I sat next to her on the couch. I ran my hand over her forehead to check for a fever. Lanie’s cancer had caused me to grow up so much faster than I thought I ever would.

“I’m tired,” she yawned and glanced up at the fluid in the bag. It was already almost gone. I kissed her forehead and brought over a bucket, cold washcloth and her juice. I knew we were only moments away from her illness taking over. “When will I get better?” She asked me innocently as she eyed the bucket with this look that could kill.

“Soon,” I muttered. It killed me to watch her so sad. I couldn’t imagine going through what she was at the age of 28, when here she was only four-years-old and getting sick all the time.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I ran my hand soothingly over Lanie’s back as she had just finished getting sick. She was so peaceful looking, her big blue eyes staring back at mine. “I’m sorry you don’t feel good.” I whispered and leaned down to kiss the top of her head. “Tomorrow will be a fun day. Aunt Angel, Aunt BJ, Aunt Leslie and Uncle Aaron are gonna come to visit you. And Grandma Alicia’s coming in, too.” I tried to get her excited for something. A small smile crept up on her lips and she yawned.

“Aunt Angel?” She asked excitedly. Out of all of my siblings, Lanie got along best with Angel. It didn’t surprise me. Angel would always spoil her whenever she saw her.

“Yep,” I chuckled. “Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving.”

“Is mommy gonna make a turkey?” She perked up a bit. I laughed. She obviously knew what Thanksgiving meant. It was sad. I had never actually spent a holiday with Lanie. Shelby had her on all the holidays. Lanie would come in the weekend before Christmas every year so I could give her presents, but I never had her on the actual holiday. This would be the first year.

“She sure is,” I kissed her forehead. As soon as I pulled away, the phone began ringing in the kitchen. “Oh, hold on a sec. I’ll be right back, okay?” I gently lifted her head from my lap and set her back down on the couch. I hurried into the kitchen to answer the phone. “Hello?”

“Mr. Carter?” I heard a voice I didn’t recognize.

“Yes?”

“This is Doctor Michaels from the OBGYN unit. I have Shelby here. I was wondering if there was any way you could come and get her from the hospital,” he said. I frowned. Why would I need to go get her? She had drove herself there.

“Um, is everything okay?” I swallowed hard, praying silently that everything was fine. We were already dealing with so much. I wasn’t sure how much more Shelby could take. Hell, I wasn’t sure how much more I could take.

“Everything’s fine. I think she’s just having a little trouble accepting something,” he chuckled softly. “Shelby, would you like to tell him?” He asked from the background. I was really starting to freak out.

“N-Nick?” She sounded so afraid.

“Baby, what’s going on?” I asked quickly. I ran my fingers through my hair. Please don’t tell me she had a miscarriage, I kept repeating in my head.

“Uh, we’re…we’re having twins…”

“Twins?!” Angel and Aaron exclaimed from the doorway of the kitchen. Our families were here for Thanksgiving and we were trying to prepare a big meal. I chuckled and tilted back my beer.

“Yep,” I sighed. I was excited, I was. I just wasn’t sure what to expect. Part of me was terrified I was going to mess something up or ruin something. Besides that, Shelby and I were both worried this would take away from the attention we had been giving Lanie. We didn’t want her to feel neglected at all. And the flip side of that – we didn’t want to neglect the twins in anyway, either. “We haven’t told Lanie yet, though. So don’t mention anything.”

“She’s gonna figure out soon enough,” Aaron laughed and grabbed a soda from the fridge.

“No shit,” I rolled my eyes. “We just don’t want to say anything prematurely. The doctor said there’s still a chance Shell could experience a miscarriage. Especially now that there are two babies…there’s more risk.” I explained. Alicia came into the kitchen holding Lanie. “Hey baby. Are you and Grandma having fun?” I asked her with a smile.

“Uh huh,” Lanie smirked. “Grandma said I can help make the turkey ‘cause mommy’s sleeeeping.” She emphasized the word ‘sleeping’. I nodded and kissed her forehead.

“Sounds good. How ya feeling?” I asked and pulled her juice cup from the fridge. That was one thing I was really good about – keeping her hydrated after she had been so sick.

“Good,” she said as Alicia set her on the counter to help prepare the turkey.

“Okay, well, you stay in here with Grandma and Aunt Angel. I’m gonna go check on mommy,” I said as I left the room. I knew the word of the twins had come as a bigger shock to Shelby. She hadn’t really expressed much to me because we had been so busy preparing for company. The car ride home from the doctor consisted of silence. We were both in too deep of thought to process everything. The only person I had really talked to about anything was my friend, Chris. He had gone back to the doctor’s with me to get Shell’s car the day after her appointment. “Shell?” I whispered softly as I entered into our bedroom.

“Hey,” she grinned. She was lying on her side flipping through a photo album.

“You okay?” I asked and sat on the edge of the bed. She nodded. “Well, I’ll let you rest. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay.” I grinned and kissed her gently.

“Nick?” She asked me before I made it to the door. I turned back towards her to ask her what was on her mind, but before I could even open my mouth, she sat up and opened hers. “What do you think about all this? I mean, two babies now instead of one? Are you going to have to go on tour soon after they’re born? Do you think you’ll have to leave during the pregnancy? What about us? Are we gonna be together after they’re born?”

All these questions. I knew she had been bottling everything up inside the past few days. “Baby, slow down.” I said softly and went back to the bed to sit next to her. “Shelly, you have to learn to tell me these things as soon as they come up in that head of yours. You can’t keep all this inside and let it freak you out, okay?” I said. She nodded vigorously. She was really freaking out. “Okay, let’s start with the first question…I think this is awesome. I mean, I think its gonna be a lot of hard work. But I think in the long run, it’s gonna be fun and amazing. I kinda feel like we messed up by trying to raise Lanie separately when we were divorced…and now we’re getting not just a second chance, but a third chance, too.”

“Are you just passing off Lanie?” She sounded angry, as if I was giving up on Lanie.

“Of course not! Shell, Lanie’s doing amazing right now with her health. At this rate, she’ll be fine by the time the babies are born,” I quickly corrected what I said. “I just meant that with these two babies we can start the way we should have started with Lanie. And we can continue to raise Lanie together. We can start doing things differently.” I shrugged. She nodded, still contemplating what I had been saying.

“What about you? I’m not going to ask you to stop your career again, Nick. After Lanie’s better, I know you want to get out on the road and tour,” she sighed. “I want you to. I know you love it out there.”

“Yeah, I love it,” I agreed. “But I love you and this family a hell of a lot more. We’ll just see what happens,” I shrugged. “The babies aren’t due until July, so we can easily fit in a tour – if Lanie’s better – in the spring time. Then I want you home and ready for them to come. And then by that time the boys and I will be due a little break. Then maybe one day we can go on tour as a family.” I suggested. I really hadn’t planned it out at all. I was just throwing out ideas.

“You’re right,” she sighed and kissed me softly. “I’m worrying for nothing right now. It’s just a lot to take in.” She rested a hand on her stomach. She was starting to pooch out a little – the doctor said she’d get a lot bigger with twins.

“It’s okay,” I winked and kissed her softly again. “I understand. But right now, all I want you to worry about is taking care of yourself and those babies. We’re gonna make this work, Shell.” I grinned. “And honestly? I’m so excited. I figure we’ve already had a girl, and out of the two inside you, one of ‘em has to be a boy.” I laughed softly.

She rolled her eyes and playfully smacked my arm. “You better be careful, daddy. You don’t wanna jinx it.” She winked and rested a hand on her stomach. “With our luck, we’ll have eight girls.”

“Eight,” my eyes nearly popped out of my head.

“Well, maybe not that many,” she giggled. “But still. I hope we get at least one boy sometime, too.” Sometime. That made me think she might want to have more kids with me. She was making this a lifetime, which threw an idea into my head, but I didn’t want to say anything just yet. “When should we tell Lanie?”

I contemplated for a minute and then smirked. “What if we waited until Christmas? And made it like…a Christmas present?” I suggested.

“That’s a good idea,” Shelby nodded. “She’s always asked me if she would have brothers and sisters or not. I just never really knew…” she shrugged.

“Well, now you know,” I winked and kissed her again softly. “Now come on. Everyone’s out there and we’re going to have the best Thanksgiving either.” I stood up to leave, but Shelby caught my arm and pulled me down towards her again. I sat down as she sat up so we were facing each other.

“Every other year…what did you do for Thanksgiving?” She asked me softly. “And Christmas? And every other holiday?” She seemed so pensive.

I shrugged and swallowed the lump in my throat. I didn’t really feel like saying I sat at home by myself. That would make me seem pitiful. “Sometimes I’d go spend it with my family or the guys.” I shrugged. She nodded and looked down at her lap.

“My mom would come over every year since Lanie was born and she’d help me make a turkey. Lanie would help me with pies and cookies. We’d make this big meal for no one in particular and live off left overs for the next few weeks,” she laughed softly. I chuckled. I wasn’t sure where this was going or why she was telling me, but she obviously felt she needed to. “Last year when Lanie started to understand what Thanksgiving was all about, she would ask me why you couldn’t spend it with us.” She glanced up at me. “She would ask me that at Christmas and on her birthday, too.” She nodded. She looked up and I saw the tears in her eyes. “I always just said that you had plans. I’m really glad this year we get to spend it together. All of us.” She placed her hand on her stomach.

I leaned down and kissed her romantically. When I pulled away, I muttered, “The past is the past, Shell. We can’t change it. I’m glad we’re spending this year together, too.” I beamed.

“Mommy! Daddy!” Lanie bounced into the room. She had so much energy and we were so glad. It was much nicer to see her happy and chipper rather than sick and depressed. “Grandma Alicia and Aunt Angel are bakin’ pies! Let’s go!” She grabbed our hands and pulled us to the kitchen. I laughed as we followed.

“Look, we’re just about finished,” Alicia smiled at us and showed us the massive turkey they had pulled out of the oven.

“Wow,” I grinned and lifted Lanie up so she could see more. “Look at how good that looks.” I kissed her cheek sweetly and she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“I’m hungry,” she giggled.

“Okay, well, let me put this last pie in the oven and it can bake while we’re eating dinner. Is everyone ready? Aaron, did you get the wine from my car?” She called in to my brother. I couldn’t help the proud grin stretched across my face. We were a family and it felt right. Shelby’s mom was interacting with my family and vice versa. I couldn’t have asked for anything more.

“Yeah, I got it G,” he called back coming into the kitchen. “Hey bro.” He winked.

“G?” Shelby and I laughed looking at each other.

“Yea,” Aaron slung an arm around Alicia. “She’s Grandma…aka G.” He acted as if he was a gangster.

“See, I’m neat,” Alicia winked and took Lanie from my arms. Aaron rolled his eyes and laughed.

“It’s cool, G. Cool, not neat,” he laughed, making all of us laugh. We all walked into the large dining room that had been set up perfectly. I had never seen this many people in my dining room, not people I could call family, at least. I was at one head of the table with Lanie and Shelby on either side of me, then Angel and BJ were on one side of the table with Leslie and Alicia on the other. Aaron was at the other head of the table opposite me.

“Can we say grace?” Alicia looked over at me. I swallowed and nodded, everyone taking hands.

“I’ll say it,” Shelby squeezed my hand gently. I was glad. She knew I wasn’t into the whole saying a prayer thing. We all bowed our heads and closed our eyes. “Dear Father, we just want to thank You for bring us all here together. We thank You for this amazing meal You’ve placed in front of us and bringing us together safely. We pray You continue to work in amazing ways and heal all of us that aren’t well right now…” she trailed off. “Thank You for bringing me my family. In Your name we pray. Amen.”

A chorus of “amen’s” could be heard amongst us and I looked at Shelby when I opened my eyes. “I love you.” We whispered at the same time. She was right. We were all together now.

“Mommy, daddy,” Lanie whispered softly. My eyes flew open and glanced at the bedside clock. 3:21 am. I watched as Shelby yawned and sat up, too.

“Hey baby,” Shelby sighed and swung her legs over the edge of the bed. “Do you have a fever again?” She whispered and lifted Lanie as they walked into the master bedroom. I got up and followed, retrieving the thermometer from a drawer. Shelby got it ready and put it under Lanie’s tongue. When she pulled it out, she sighed. “103.4.” She turned to me.

“I’ll go get a bath ready,” I kissed her forehead and walked over to the big Jacuzzi bath tub I had in the master bedroom. I made the water luke warm like we always had to.

“Baby, sit here with daddy while I go and get the ice packs and call the doctor, okay?” Shelby said. We were used to this. Lanie typically got fevers once every week or so. It was normal, but we had to call the doctor whenever it happened so they could track her progress and make sure she wasn’t too sick.

“Okay,” she mumbled and plopped down next to me on the cool tile. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. She really was burning up. It didn’t scare me as much anymore because the doctor had made it out to be fairly normal.

“Let me help you get undressed and we’ll get you in the bathtub, okay?” I pulled her Hannah Montana nightgown over her head and lifted her into the tub. “Does that feel okay?” I asked her. Her eyes seemed really heavy and when she nodded, her head seemed to droop. “Baby?” I frowned and ran my fingers through her hair. “SHELBY!” I yelled loudly when I didn’t get a response from Lanie. She fell limp in my arms. “SHELBY!” I yelled again. Shelby came in running.

“What? What happened?!” She asked. “O-Oh my God.” She cried as she watched what happened.

“Baby, call 911,” I tried to stay calm as I took Lanie out of the water and wrapped her in towels to keep her warm. “Call an ambulance.” I muttered through tears as I rocked Lanie in my arms. “Baby, wake up.” I whispered and kissed the top of her head. I tried to open her eyes but it was no use, they were rolled in the back of her head.

The only thought going through my mind was Lanie dying. She couldn’t die. She just couldn’t.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Shelby and I sat in the hallway while Lanie was examined by the doctor. She had gone into some kind of shock. We weren’t sure why or how at this point. I glanced over at Shelby and gave her hand a small squeeze. “You okay?” My voice was raspy from crying and not speaking for a little while.

“I’m hanging in there,” she sighed and closed her eyes momentarily. “You?” Shelby had been really worried about me. She said she could never imagine pulling our daughter out of the water. To be honest, I wasn’t sure how I had held my cool the way I did.

“Same,” I mumbled and rubbed the sleep out of my eyes. We heard the door across the hall open and saw the doctor step out. Both of us jumped to our feet and hurried towards him. “Is she okay?”

He sighed heavily and led us over to sit down. “She’s okay right now,” he muttered. “Lanie is experiencing an infection. Her cancer has only gotten worse, and I’m afraid things are starting to change drastically.” He whispered. I felt my throat closing up on me and tears burning my eyes. I heard the first sob escape Shelby’s lips.

I licked my lips and tried to croak out some kind of sentence. “What do you mean by, it’s only gotten worse?” I asked him and tried to blink away my tears.

“Mr. Carter, your daughter’s cancer was much smaller and much less powerful when we first started watching her,” he began to explain. “Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia is very, very dangerous in children. When I first found it I was sure I could get rid of it.” He licked his lips as a pause before continuing. “At this stage in the cancer, as a professional I’m supposed to tell you that there’s about a 5% chance your daughter will live past the age of nine.” He said that last part so softly I wasn’t sure I heard it. Shelby doubled over in sobs and I tried to rub her back comfortingly, but wasn’t managing to uphold myself very well. “But as your doctor and a father myself, I’m going to tell you I’m going to work my ass off to keep her going and keep her strong.”

I nodded and leaned over to kiss the top of Shelby’s head. This came as such a shock. “S-She…she was doing so well.” I swallowed hard to try and get that out. “I mean, our family’s here…they…she…she was so energetic.” I was so confused as to how this happened.

“That’s very common,” the doctor nodded. “It just means you’ve kept her in such a positive and upbeat environment, you haven’t allowed her illness to stop you from living her life out to the fullest.”

“D-Did we push her too hard?” I felt my voice crack and the first tear escaped my eye.

“Absolutely not. Mr. Carter, you kept Lanie stronger by allowing her to live like this,” he reassured me. “I am so very sorry. I know this is never good news. But I want you to know that she has an 85% chance of living until she’s nine. It just continues to go downhill from there for most patients.” He tried to explain professionally.

“No offense, but I’m not interested in fucking statistics,” I didn’t mean to sound rude. I just wanted him to know this wasn’t interesting me at all. “I want to know what you see for my daughter five years from now.” I swallowed hard.

The doctor sighed heavily and licked his lips. Shelby sat up fully, still shaking from her sobs. She wanted to know what he had to say, too. “Mr. Carter, your daughter is very sick. As of right now, I’m not sure what to expect. I’m sorry.” He said simply and stood up. “You’ll be able to go in and see her in a few minutes.” He sighed before walking away.

I pulled Shelby close and held her as tightly as I could. I needed her and she needed me. So we sat there and sobbed together. It was all we could do.

I couldn’t help but feel alone as we sat and watched Lanie sleep. I was angry, sad, frustrated and confused all at the same time. How could this be happening to us? I ran my fingers through my hair as Alicia approached us. She sighed heavily and sat down next to Shelby, draping her arm consolingly around her shoulder. “How are you two holding up?” She whispered softly. Shelby didn’t say a word, so I took it upon myself to answer.

“Shitty,” I mumbled. I was waiting for Alicia to yell at me or tell me why I shouldn’t speak that way, but nothing like that came from her mouth. Instead, she sighed and reached across Shelby to pat me comfortingly too.

“I can’t say I understand,” she said softly. “Because I don’t. I’ve never had a child this sick before.” She glanced down at Shelby. “Look at me, both of you.” She instructed. She knelt down in front of us and our eyes found hers. “I can tell you that your daughter isn’t dead yet.” She said firmly. I could see the tears pooling in her eyes. “Shelby Marie, I understand you’re upset and I don’t blame you at all. But you cannot continue to sit here and mope around or else you’re going to cause her life to end a hell of a lot faster.”

“I don’t want to make her tired. We should just let her rest,” Shelby mumbled through tears. She wiped angrily below her eyes and I put my arm around her again. Neither of us was taking this very well at all.

“Did you not hear the doctor?” Alicia wasn’t trying to be rude, but she was trying to get her point across. “He told me himself that you kept this baby alive. By you two acting as if nothing was wrong and making her live like a normal child kept her going, Shelby. Do you understand that?” Shelby nodded and continued to cry as we sat there.

Alicia was right. We couldn’t just sit around. But neither of us knew what to do. It was like she was this porcelain doll of some kind, and at the slightest mistake, we could break her. “What are we supposed to do?” Shelby asked quietly, pretty much reading my mind.

“Take her everywhere. Take her places she wants to see – like Hawaii, Disney World, the beaches, maybe somewhere incredible like Paris or Italy,” Alicia explained. “Then, once it gets to be too much and you’re about to have the babies, take a break. Let her rest at home. Live like a normal kid.”

“But she’s not normal,” Shelby sighed and rubbed her eyes. We weren’t getting anywhere.

“You have to make her feel like she is,” Alicia instructed sternly. “Shell, look at how far she’s come while you two were pretending everything was fine. Besides her medicine and her getting ill afterwards, you didn’t treat her like a cancer patient. You treated her like she was a normal little girl just getting a little sick here and there. Look at how much fun she had on Thanksgiving! And every other time. Include her in the preparation for the babies. Help her pick out names. Honey, the doctor said there’s only a 5% chance she’ll live after nine. I don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up, but Lanie can be that 5%.”

I looked over at Shelby, completely encouraged by Alicia’s little spiel. “I-I think your mom’s right.” I gave Shelby’s hand a squeeze. “We can hire a nurse to travel around with us. We’ll make it all comfortable for Lanie. Maybe we can rent out an RV or something while we travel the country. Then, maybe if she’s up to it, we can take a cruise or something.” I could see the dollar signs in Shelby’s eyes. She was worried about this costing way too much. I knew it was going to be an expensive few years, but I honestly didn’t mind. “Please stop worrying about the money.” I said sincerely. “Baby, I want us to be together…not just now for Lanie’s illness. But for when this is all over. My money is your money, your money is my money.”

“I-I know…I just don’t have much to contribute and I think I should start working again if we’re going to do something like this,” she shrugged and played with her fingers in her lap.

“Shell, you’re an amazing mother. You’re more amazing at it than I could ever be as a father,” I said softly. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes again. This had been the most emotional time of my life. Alicia stood up and slowly backed away.

“I’ll be back,” she said quietly to give us some alone time.

“Nick, that’s not true,” Shelby placed her hand on my cheek and pulled my gaze up so I would look into her eyes. “I doubted you as a father time after time again. And now you’ve proved me wrong. You are so amazing with our daughter. You saved her life, Nicky.” She whispered and allowed more tears to roll down her cheeks. “I want to be with you forever too.” She whispered and kissed me softly. I had never felt so much passion in a soft, simple kiss then I did at that point. “I—“

We were interrupted by an alarm sounding off in Lanie’s room and doctors and nurses rushing in. Shelby and I both jumped up from our chairs and hurried to the glass window to see what was going on. Lanie’s body looked so lifeless and so frail. She was so sick. The doctors worked on her for a few minutes and we stayed in silence. I reached down and grasped her hand tightly in my own, intertwining our fingers together. I watched as the doctor checked her vital signs and inserted a needle into her wrist. I swallowed hard and glanced over at Shelby’s pale face. She looked as if she was going to be sick.

Before I looked back, the doctor was walking out into the hallway to speak with us. He sighed heavily and glanced back at our daughter. “That was an alarm to tell us that her white cells in her blood dropped again. If they keep dropping, there’s not going to be much we can do for her.” He said so softly, almost as if he was hoping we wouldn’t hear him. “I’m so sorry. We’re going to continue to do everything we can.” He nodded and began to walk away.

Shelby turned back towards me and swallowed hard. “I feel so sick.” She sighed and closed her eyes. I pulled her close to me and kissed her forehead gently.

“How about we go back home? This can’t be good for the babies,” I placed my hand on her abdomen. I knew that stress wasn’t good for a pregnant lady.

“I’m not sure I want to leave her here just yet,” she bit her bottom lip and looked back at the window.

“We can leave her here for the night, and if she stabilizes a bit by tomorrow afternoon, maybe we can think about taking her home like the doctor said,” I suggested. She went to protest, but I cut her off. “Shell, I know she’s sick. I know she needs medical care. We can bring someone in to take care of her. I don’t want her living the rest of her life in this hospital.” I said carefully. I was beginning to lose all hope.

Shelby nodded and allowed a tear to slip from the corner of her eye. “Fine. Let’s go say goodbye and go home.”

We had finally been allowed to bring Lanie home. It was already December 15th, only ten days away from Christmas. We had done a bit of traveling – not too far, though – over to Kevin and Kristin’s home in LA. They came in to visit a little more now that Lanie was really getting sick. We celebrated the holidays with them, Howie and his new wife, Leigh. Then we traveled back home and were going to stay put for the holidays.

“Nick, I have Lanie all dressed and ready to go get the tree. Are you about ready to go?” Shelby asked from the doorway. Still, Shelby hadn’t gotten too big yet, but there was a little ‘baby pooch’, as she liked to call it. Or, should we say, babies. We definitely were both coming more and more comfortable with the fact we were having twins.

“Yeah, I’m just about ready,” I smiled down at the project I was working on. I wanted to do something special for Lanie and Shelby this Christmas since it was, technically, the first one we’d all spent together. Since I wasn’t really artistic or great with anything like that, I had decided to write a song and perform it for them. Not just anywhere, either.

“Daddy, we’re gonna go get a Christmas tree,” Lanie beamed from the entrance of my studio. I smirked and turned my computer chair around as she climbed into my lap. “And mommy said I can help decorate too! Grandma Alicia brought all of my ormanents.” I chuckled at her mis-pronunciation. It was too cute for words.

“That sounds fun, baby,” I kissed her cheek. “Let me go get my shoes on and then we’ll head out, okay? How are you feeling today?” I asked her as I carried her back out to the kitchen where I found my shoes by the garage door.

“I’m okay,” she shrugged. She hadn’t had too many rough spells like the one a few weeks ago. Thankfully, the doctor was hoping that meant the chemo was continuing to do what it was supposed to do – heal her. He still wasn’t sure at this point how successful everything would be.

“Baby, you wanna watch a movie on the way to the Christmas tree patch?” Shelby called in from the living room. “How about I bring the Santa Clause movies, k?” She smiled at us as she entered the kitchen. She looked absolutely beautiful, I hadn’t even thought to notice before.

Her wavy brown hair was pulled back in a pony tail with a few strands falling around her face. She was wearing a gray cardigan sweater that buttoned up the front with jeans and boots. She definitely had that pregnant glow to her everyone always talked about when they saw a pregnant lady. I kissed Lanie’s cheek and passed her off to Shelby as she walked by.

“Okay,” Lanie giggled as Shelby tickled her with kisses. “Mommy, can we get a big tree?” She asked and cocked her head to the side. Shelby laughed and looked back at me.

“That one’s up to daddy. He’s the one that’s gonna have to carry it inside,” Shelby winked at me and I laughed, rolling my eyes.

“Oh, really? No help from my little ladies?” I joked playfully as we went into the garage to load up in the Escalade.

“Who you callin’ little?” Shelby folded her arms over her chest jokingly with a grin.

“Yeah,” Lanie piped up from the ground, trying to mimic Shelby. I busted out into laughter, followed by Shelby laughing as well. “You are too cute.” She shook her head at the four-year-old that was mighty confused by our feet. I lifted Lanie up into her car seat and fastened her in.

“Oh please let one of these babies be a boy,” I muttered playfully without really thinking. “I’m not sure I can put up with another female Carter running around here.” I winked.

“Babies?” Lanie frowned and cocked her head.

I heard Shelby snicker from the front seat. “Way to go, Mr. Surprise Blower,” she joked and turned around in her seat. “Lanie, honey, daddy and I were gonna tell you later. But I’m gonna have two babies!” She smiled excitedly.

“Really?!” Lanie’s eyes got really big. She yawned with a smile. “I wanna have a baby sister and a baby brother.” She beamed and grabbed her baby doll laying next to her on the seat. I walked around and got into the car, starting the engine as she continued to ramble on. “I wanna name the girl…Chloe. And the boy…Conner.” She grinned.

Shelby laughed and grinned over at me. “Honey, we don’t even know what the babies are gonna be yet.” She tried to explain. “But I promise that when we do know, we’ll tell you and we’ll let you help pick out names, okay?” She tried to rationalize.

I couldn’t get over how content Lanie looked. She seemed so happy to be having siblings coming along. “Okay.” She smiled peacefully from the backseat. I swallowed the lump of fear in my throat. Everything was going smoothly. It was bound something bad happen right about now. We never went a day with something perfect happening where something not-so-perfect decided to come along.

“What’cha thinking about?” Shelby asked me over the sound of Lanie’s Christmas movie playing in the backseat.

“How nice today has been,” I answered truthfully as I glanced over. I tried to give her a small grin, but my lips didn’t seem to want to cooperate.

“You look awfully bummed to be thinking about something nice,” she put her hand on top of mine that was rested comfortably on the gear seated between us.

“It’s just…” I sighed and glanced in the rearview mirror to make sure Lanie was still okay. “It seems like every time I get excited about something good finally coming our way, something bad decides to happen.” I said softly. Shelby nodded and glanced back to check on Lanie, as well.

“I know what you mean,” she sighed. “But I really think we should listen to my mom on this one. Take one day at a time and continue to live our lives, as well as allow Lanie to live her life.” She ran her thumb over my hand soothingly. “It’s okay to feel sad some days, Nick. I’m one to say I have my emotional moments.” She chuckled. “You and I both know that. But we need to keep trying to stay positive for her. We need to take the bad with the good.”

“You’re right,” I nodded and let out a deep sigh. “Thanks, baby.” I grinned and picked up her hand, kissing it softly.

“Hey!” I heard from the backseat. I glanced in the rearview mirror, praying she wasn’t about to get sick or something bad happen. “Daddy, I thought I was your baby.” Shelby laughed at Lanie’s random outburst.

“Excuse me, little Miss, but I think I was daddy’s baby first,” Shelby stuck her tongue out and I chuckled.

“I’ll settle this,” I joked playfully, making sure to keep my eyes on the road as well as focus on Lanie. “Lanie, your mommy was my baby first. How about you’ll always be my baby girl and your mommy will always be my baby, okay?” I smiled.

“Okay,” Lanie giggled quietly as she quickly became refocused with her movie.

“You mean it? Always, Nick?” Shelby asked me, the mood suddenly turning from goofy and fun to completely serious. We had a lot of those drastic mood-swings lately.

“Yeah, I do, Shell,” I nodded my head. “Always. When will you start believing me?” I asked. Shelby had asked me that question time and time again. She never believed me when I said I’d always love her.

“I don’t know,” she shrugged and glanced out the window. “Someday.”

I watched from the kitchen as Shelby and Lanie pulled out some Christmas decorations that Alicia had sent over from Florida. “Mommy?” Lanie questioned as she cradled the ornament I had slyly given her and smirked to see how it would all play out.

“Yeah, baby?” Shelby mumbled as she unwrapped another delicate ornament from the box of ornaments.

“Daddy said we can go see Liberty for Christmas,” Lanie beamed and held up the ornament for Shelby to see, only Shelby didn’t catch on. A frown creased her brow and she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Who’s Liberty, honey?” Shelby asked, now more focused on Lanie and her question rather than the decorations.

“Liberty!” Lanie held up the ornament higher to try and get Shelby’s attention. This time Shelby caught on and took the ornament from our daughter. Her eyes got much wider and she glanced over at me.

“L-Liberty?” Shelby stood up and walked over to me, holding the ornament in her hand. “As in, the statue of Liberty in New York City?!” She exclaimed. I chuckled and nodded, lifting Lanie up into my arms as she entered the room.

“Yeah, Lanie was telling me just how much she’d like to see that big Christmas tree at Rocketfeller Center…so I couldn’t resist. I already talked with the doctors and they said it wouldn’t be a problem whatsoever,” I shrugged and kissed the side of Lanie’s head. “Besides, we didn’t really have many Christmas plans at all. We can celebrate somewhere nice and cold this year.” He shrugged.

Shelby bit her bottom lip and looked back and forth between Lanie and I. She grinned and took Lanie from me, kissing the side of her face. “Baby, it looks like we’ll be going to New York for Christmas this year.” She smirked as Lanie giggled.

“Well, you girls might wanna go start packing…” I beamed. “Because we leave tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?!” Shelby gasped and placed Lanie gently back on the floor so she could hurry off back to the tree. “But Nick, it’s only December 17th…” she muttered and ran her fingers through her hair. “Lanie and I have lived in Florida all our lives…we don’t have any winter clothes.” She hurried into the master bedroom to start going through the closet to try and find anything. “See? All we have are tank tops, shorts, maybe a few pairs of jeans. But nothing that we can put on for a winter in New York.” She sighed. I bit my bottom lip to try and hide the excitement. I tapped her on the shoulder and she spun around. “What?” she asked me. I reached around her and grabbed a Macy’s bag I had hidden behind a few boxes and suitcases. She cocked an eyebrow and folded her arms in front of her chest.

“Here are two outfits. One for you and one for Lanie for the trip going to New York tomorrow,” I explained, then pulled out an envelope from my pocket. “This is for when we get to New York. Tomorrow will be a shopping day. I figured neither of you had ever been before and the shopping there according to all the girls I’ve talked to is amazing…” I shrugged. She pulled the credit card from the envelope, her eyes widening at the thought of buying whatever.

“Nick, I can’t use this,” she shook her head. “These outfits are perfect, but I don’t need some amazing store in the city. Lanie and I are perfectly content with just hitting up a Wal-Mart either on the way to the airport or once we get to New York.” She shrugged, handing me the card back. “Really, we’re fine.”

I shook my head and handed it back to her, catching her hand in mine. “Shelby, I know you hate it whenever I put money out there. But think of it as a Christmas present.” I kissed her softly. “I want to do this. You both deserve it.”

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and sighed. “Nick, these past few weeks have added up to a fairly large Christmas present. You’ve paid for everything. I don’t know how I’m ever going to pay you back for all of this.” She muttered and played with the platinum card in her hand.

“Come with me to New York. That’s my present,” I kissed her cheek softly and left the room to find Lanie playing with some of the ornaments. “Baby girl, you wanna help me decorate this tree so we can have it decorated before we leave?”

“Okay daddy,” Lanie smiled as I lifted her up so she could hang an ornament up high.

“So, why are we decorating the tree if we’re not even going to be here for Christmas?” Shelby asked as she came back into the room to help us. She had a smile on her face and I was pretty sure she was okay with the situation now.

“Well, I figured it’d be nice to still have a family Christmas tree. We haven’t ever decorated one all together,” I shrugged. “Aaron and Angel are going to take turns watering it and checking up on the place while we’re away.” I explained. “We’ll be gone until January 3rd.”

“New Years!” Lanie exclaimed and looked over at Shelby with big eyes. Shelby laughed and nodded.

“One of Lanie’s favorite parts about Christmas time is watching the ball drop on TV for New Year’s,” Shelby explained. “Last year was the first year she was able to stay up the whole time and watch.”

I chuckled and kissed Lanie’s cheek. “Baby girl, we’ll be in the city where the ball drops every year. In fact, if you’re up for it, I might have somewhere special where we can watch.” I winked. Shelby looked nervous, thinking I meant somewhere outside.

“We’ll see,” she quickly butted in, not wanting to get Lanie’s hopes up.

“It’d be a private location,” I shrugged with a grin. “Just you, me and Lanie.”

Shelby cocked her eyebrow once more and shook her head. “What’s up with you and all these secrets, Mr. Carter?” She chuckled and helped Lanie with another ornament.

I shrugged. If only she knew I had a couple more up my sleeve.

May 2008

“They’re so beautiful,” Shelby whispered with tears streaming down her cheeks.

“You’re so amazing,” I whispered back, kissing her forehead for the millionth time, unable to hide my own tears. “You did beautifully, baby.”

“I couldn’t have done it without you,” she grinned up at me, kissing me softly. The doctor grinned at us.

“So, mommy and daddy,” she winked. “Do you have names in mind?” She asked. I looked down at Shelby and she smiled up at me.

“Chloe Elaine and Conner Nickolas,” Shelby muttered, more tears streaming out the corners of her eyes; this time, not necessarily happy tears. “I wish their big sister was here to see them.”

Lanie Marie Carter passed away in February of 2008. We had an amazing family vacation to New York for Christmas and New Years, where I asked Shelby to marry me…again. Lanie had been in our wedding, though at that time, she was sicker than she had ever been and had to be in a wheelchair. The last few weeks of Lanie’s life were hard on both Shelby and I. We never imagined losing our daughter. Even though we were faced with her death many times before, we never imagined it actually taking her away from us.

Lanie had wanted to name the babies Conner and Chloe; ironically, somehow she guessed they’d be a boy and a girl. I was never before religious until Lanie got sick, even more so when Lanie died. I truly believe she’ll watch over Shelby and I, as well as the two new little additions, until the day we die and meet her up there.

I miss her every day, so does Shelby. It was very hard at first, but Shelby knew she had to go on for the babies and I knew I had to go on, well, for Shelby. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that Lanie’s gone. It’ll always hang over me and make me incredibly sad. But I do thank Lanie every night and day for bringing her mom back to me. I think that was something she was meant to do with her illness. And now Shelby’s blessed me with two other babies, which will never take Lanie’s place.

I know Lanie’s better now and she’s in a happier place. I see her every day in her mom, and now in these two little babies I’m cradling in my arms.

Here’s to a new beginning.
Here’s to Lanie.