It was barely a week without him and my world has been lifeless. Just like a little girl getting lost in the middle of a fair, I saw those faces coming, walking and leaving. Sadness was just a word to describe the tears in my eyes whereas grieving was the actual battle that I had to go through. Tears on my cheeks could easily be seen and wiped off but not the endless weeping in my heart. His blood on my hands had been cleansed but not the smell of it. The visible scratches on my skin healed with time but not the cuts in my heart that will forever remain as scars, serving a constant reminder of my loss. Words of comfort were exchanged followed by warm hugs and soft patting on my back as form of consolation and assurance that everything will be fine, that I must move on in life.

Move on? I guessed moving on would have been easier if these eyes did not refuse to see and acknowledge the painful fact that he will no longer be here with me in this house, in this world. It would have been easier if these ears did not keep hearing his voice calling out my name, to keep having his infectious laughter and fits of giggles playing in the air, serenading the entire house as if he was right there, alive and breathing. The pain was unbearable and it accumulated with every second that passed by as I sat right here on the window ledge facing the gloomy world alone.

Loneliness once again spread its wicked wings in teasing me tonight with those flashbacks. One by one, it hit me maliciously. No matter how hard I tried to get away from being overshadowed by the dark wings of that fateful incident, the last image of him dying in my arms was enough to break this wall of emotions.

How I wished it was nothing but merely a bad dream, and how he gently took me in his arms like he always did each time I had those terrible nightmares. How I wished he was just pretending to be dead and suddenly got up on his feet like he always did whenever he joked about death. How I desperately wanted him to open up his eyes and scream the word “Gotcha!” right on my face and this time round, instead of pinching his Winnie tummy, I will hug him tight. Yes, it was a sick joke to play dead but I would rather have that than to watch him lying there motionlessly in a pool of blood. The stench of his blood built up a sense of fear inside me, fear of losing him.

Everything happened in a split second. It started with a scuffle and had a brutal ending. The first thing that came to my mind was to scream for help but when he slowly dropped to the ground clutching his stomach, my mind went blank. I became too numb and speechless to do anything. The moment I saw his pale pink shirt drenched in blood, I knew he was not putting an act to scare off the lurker. He was breathing hard from his mouth. His eyes were blinking as if he wanted to make sure that I was unhurt. I was about to stand up to get help when he pulled my hands and gestured me to stay behind, with him.

“No… don’t go… I’m… I’m afraid… I… I might not see you again…” His hands were trembling, and so were mine. Slowly I placed his head on my lap and held his hands tight to my chest. Oh God, I had seen such scenes in the past in those movies, too many times in fact, and to experience it personally was a great torment. If I could write my own plot, definitely the ending would not be the same. He has to live, for me.

“No baby… you can’t leave me… you have to stay with me… please, please don’t do this to me… please…” I pleaded in tears as I stroked his soft blonde hair gently.

“No… I’m afraid… I can’t make it…”

“No baby, of course you will-”

“No Danny… listen-”

“No! You listen to me Nick Carter! You will not leave me here, not now… understand? You just can’t… please… please Nick… you can’t die… please… for me…”

“Then you’ve got to live… for me…”

“No… no Nick… please… Nick? Nick… no!!” Never in my life had I been so desperate before, frantically begging him to open up his eyes. Never in my life had I cried that much before but I did as I wrapped my arms around his broad shoulders and began to cradle him like a baby. I was not sure how long I had him in my arms because it felt like forever and even forever did not seem like long enough. The next thing I knew, I was right there sitting at the waiting area. I was still shaken over the whole thing that not a second went by without me praying for a miracle. The freezing temperature in the room added on to the chills that ran down my spine apart from fear gripping hard to my heart, knowing there was no chance of him surviving.

Waiting has never been an engaging activity. Deadly silence became my only companion and the ongoing anxiety kept knocking my head with all sorts of ‘what ifs’. I supposed insanity would have captured me if it was not for Aaron who came with Angel and Leslie. As they approached me, I saw the same fears and worries sparkled on their faces. For the first time the hugging felt so real and sincere. If we had seen how the Carters fought and viciously attacking each other in their quarrels as shown in their recent reality TV show, then those moments in the hospital showed another side of them that people rarely saw or did not see at all in the series.

If Aaron used to get on his brother’s nerves and irritated him back then, then his reaction on that day was something expectable. He was the most inconsolable one. Angel and Leslie often broke into loud cries and seek comfort in each other’s arms. There was no room for cockiness in their cries. There was no hint of grudges in their concern as they too, put their hands together hoping and praying. If only Nick was here to see it for himself how much he was loved, then he would not be saying those things about not being wanted at all in this world.

While the Carter siblings were having their moments, I saw Kevin, Kristin and Howie from afar. Their eyes were lurking until I waved at them. There was a mixture of confusion, uncertainty, reservation and fear on their faces. Perhaps the lame April Fool’s joke that happened a few years back still stuck in their heads and knowing it’s Nick Carter, nothing was impossible. No, I am not blaming them for having such reservations, after all we all knew what a prankster little Nick Carter was, but somehow, something else was telling them that it was for real this time round. That their little prankster was on the brink of death.

I wanted to run up to them. I wanted them to help me to wake my baby up because I knew just how much effect Kevin had on him. He always did what Kevin told him and I am sure this time round it would remain unchanged. Instead of me leaving my seat, Kevin was the one who came up to me with a hug and as always, his hug came at the right time. It gave me one sense of assurance, just like what a big brother did at all times for his younger siblings. Even Nick said so and in fact, he had been talking a lot about Kevin lately. How he missed those brotherly moments he had with him at the recording studio. How he missed those times when Kevin had to watch out for him because for most of the time, he purposely did it so that Kevin will spend more time on him. I remembered calling him an attention whore and he only brushed it off with his usual smirking trademark. He knew I was joking but far from the calmness on his facial expression, I knew he was lonely.

I was there when Frick and Frack were first introduced in the group. On the day his best friend got married, was the day that saw changes in him. When Brian walked off with his bride, I was there watching how he tried to keep his tears out of sight. I was there too when Kevin turned and gave him a big brotherly hug. No words were spoken but both understood each other pretty well. Each time the papers highlighted bad news or rumours about him, Kevin was the first one to call in making sure he was alright, and that his little brother was in good and safe condition. So when Kevin expressed his decision to marry Kristin, once again he was gripped with fear. Fear of losing another shoulder to cry on. Its not that he was being too dependable on Kevin but I guessed he was just too complacent in knowing that his big brother will forever be there for him.

Surprisingly, though when Kevin married Kristin he never changed. Not even a bit. Perhaps the fact they had been together for more than a decade was too long to totally shun him away. They might not be the ‘Frick and Frack’ but he loved him all the same. If only he was here to see it for himself how much he was torturing us, then he would hold on for us. For me.

“Dannie… what happened?” Kevin asked almost sobbing as he turned to me. No doubt his question was very simple and straightforward, yet I found it extremely hard to answer. It was not about finding the answers that made it difficult but I was not sure which one to begin with. My lips were trembling with unheard words.

So what actually happened?

It was supposed to be a beautiful night for both of us. Things were going smoothly and the set-up was simply perfect. The candlelight dinner was sweet, just like him. The food, the drinks, the red roses and even the musicians were absolutely wonderful. We had so much fun talking, laughing and joking without any strings of restrictions because he had specially chosen a restaurant that was least frequented by fellow celebrities. Fewer disturbances by those paparazzi, he said. All he wanted was a quiet and normal dinner like any other couple, just for the two of us and the price for such simplicity was too costly.

I remembered us leaving the restaurant and were making our way to the back alley where he parked his car when he realized we had been followed. At first I thought he was imagining things and that he was being paranoid as he did mention to me a couple of times earlier on about him being tailed lately. Thinking that it was another ploy from him, I would often brush it off with a short cackle, much to his discomfort. Then it happened.

His suspicions were right. Someone was indeed following us. I remembered how pale he was when a figure sprinting out of nowhere, came towards us. It was at this moment of time, he grabbed my hands and we ran up to the car. He was cursing and running at the same time. Once in a while I would turn to look at the big figure that was chasing after us. We were running and racing against time but the figure was quicker than we thought and before we could reach at our car, he was right there catching up with us.

We stopped and Nick pulled me to his back, to be my human shield. Words were exchanged, and mostly were alien to me. Who was this man and what did he want? Nick tried to pacify the big man by handing over all his belongings, even his birthday watch from me. My diamond ear studs, diamond studded watch and our pure engagement silver ring were not spared either. I even pleaded with the ferocious stranger to let us go and to take whatever he desired but he was not satisfied. Instead of taking all of our belongings, he threw everything to the ground and began to pull Nick over to his side. Of course my first reaction was to pull him back. That was how the scratches on my arms came about. My holding on to Nick and Nick’s retaliation only sparked further anger on him. He became more agitated and finally took out an army knife from his pocket, pointing it sharply at me.

In order to save me, Nick let go of my hold and started to engage in a rough scuffle for the army knife. They were trading blows on their faces and even some kicking but the scuffle continued. I was frightened. My screaming for help seemed to get lost in the air though I could clearly hear my own voice bouncing back at the alley. I pleaded for them to stop as the game of possession looked like it was a never-ending one. Just when I thought the brawling had ended, a new terror engulfed me.

For that few seconds, time seemed to freeze as I watched them standing close together. Nobody moved. Not even me. It was then I saw Nick jerking away from the stranger with his hands on his stomach. In fact, he was clutching his stomach as he gradually dropped on his knees before he gave way to the pain and hit the ground. The bleeding scared off the stranger as he ran away leaving the stained army knife behind. I rushed over to Nick and his eyes glowed with the same innocence as the first time I met him.

When Howie placed his hands on mine and held it tight, vision of Nick in my arms began to fade away among the crowd that so soon filled up the room. I looked up at him and then back to Kevin. Perhaps the struggle in my eyes stopped him from being too persistent so instead of pursuing his question, Kevin flashed me a weak smile and nodded his head.

The waiting came to an end and the news broke the hearts of many. Too many to be exact. For an instant I felt my whole world crumbling down on my shoulders. How could he give up on me? How could he be so selfish and leave without me? What made him so sure that I will manage this life without him?

On the day I sent him off, the weather seemed to be aware of my loss and how that morning witnessed a heart wrenching moment between two lovers as they bid silent farewell. The rain started to bombard the dry and cracking ground from the dark sky with its sharp droplets, but it was nothing to be compared to the heavy downpour that was violently assaulting my poor broken heart. Yes, I had seen and experienced death before in my own family but the acceptance of death in both occasions was not the same. Perhaps age did play a part on one’s understanding of losing their loved ones especially at such a tender age where a candy bar will always do the trick of consoling you. I lost my dad in a car accident when I was five, leaving my mom to take care of me in her battle against cancer. Two weeks later my mom followed my dad’s footstep and I was sent to an orphanage home where parental love became a memory. Things were definitely less complicated back then. I was either too young to realize such loss or too taken aback to feel anything but now, it was different.

The only person who taught me about life has sacrificed his own life for me. He, who taught me about love has left, leaving me no one to love. I learned to see my inner strength through his eyes but those eyes had shut me away except for those memories I had captured in my head, in my heart. Even on the day I stepped on to the burial ground, I still could not believe what I had gone through. As much as I wanted to take it as one of those terrible nightmares, what laid in front of me proved otherwise.

Flowers, teddy bears bearing his name, posters, banners and even cards expressing their endless condolences were nicely arranged at one corner outside the gate. The wet weather and tight security did not bother those hundreds of unfamiliar faces at all as they stood outside the burial area holding hands and consoling each other. Some were too distraught that they collapsed and passed out while others continued to put on a strong front for one another. That was what I did at the burial ground. Be strong and not to give in to these emotions. If only he was here, watching the sorrows on those faces then he would realize the truth in my words when I said there were fans out there that still believed and trusted him.

In the midst of loud clattering raindrops on those solid tombstones and wailing coming from his immediate family members and close friends, I heard him calling my name. It was as if he was right there standing next to me. The minute the wooden coffin lowered into the wet ground, a picture of him lying peacefully in his final resting chambers came into my mind. He was looking so clean, so innocent in that black suit. The one attire he was supposed to wear while waiting for me walking down the aisle. The blushing lips that were supposed to kiss me after our vows became so cold and distant. The fingers that were supposed to entwine with mine suddenly losing its touch.

The scent of the soil came and disappeared but not his fresh scent. Perhaps that made it even harder for me to embrace the reality of life without him here with me. We used to count stars together on this ledge but now I could only stare at the empty seat, wishing we had swapped places then. How I wished I had the courage to simply end this misery by jumping down from this tall building but those last words from him made me buried the intention deep, as deep as this love for him.

Yes, life was meaningless without him but death will not serve a reason to stop me from loving him. Not now or even in another lifetime.

“Then you’ve got to live… for me…”