I felt four sets of eyes locked at me, but I had no idea why until I heard A.J., the one with all the tattoos, take over my second part in “Siberia”. That was the second time that night that I managed to forget it was my turn to sing. I felt bad. Mostly for the fans ofcourse. We had been on hiatus for so long, this was our only concert in the Netherlands for the Never Gone Tour and I just kept messing stuff up.

First, I fell flat on my face during the dance routine for “My beautiful woman”. I kinda walked left when I was supposed to go right. In doing so, I bumped into Howie, the ‘Latino’, whom in turn almost fell off the stage. I know you think that must have looked funny, but I can tell you, Howie, was NOT amused.

And well.. I can understand, it probably seemed like we haven’t been busting our behinds off while working on our choreography. We have, I swear. Cross my heart and hope to die if I’m lying, which I’m not, so that means I’ll be around for a long, long time. My head just wasn’t where it was supposed to be.

Second, like I said earlier, I missed my “Brian-it’s-your-turn-to-sing-now-cue” twice, once at the beginning of the show and once near the ending. Thankfully, A.J. and Howie, stepped in just in time. Now, you would think it stopped there, wouldn’t you? Guess again.

I take it you haven’t been to our show, right? Yeah, another whisky would be nice. Thank you.

Well, you see, at one point, just before we start playing “Climbing the walls”, I’m supposed to have a small chat with the audience. After that, Nick, the youngest from the five of us, and myself usually kid about him playing the guitar and such.

That night, I just walked off stage and left Nick standing there all by himself. And well, as much as he likes to perform, he hates to be on stage all by himself while talking to the audience. So yeah, another enormous blooper from the idiot named Brian Littrell. That night just really wasn’t my best. Okay, it was one of the worst. But I had my reasons. Good ones too.

You see, the night before that show, Kevin, the tall, dark-haired one, who is my cousin by the way, called my hotelroom and asked me to come over. He used his well-known “we-need-to-talk-about-something-serious”-tone, so after I sang my son to sleep, I went straight over.

As soon as he opened the door, I knew something was seriously wrong. I mean, I just knew by the look in his eyes. Sorta distant, like he wasn’t really there. As soon as we sat down, he started talking.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore, Bri.”

I must have given him a look that said I didn’t understand, because he soon clarified.

“The travelling, touring.”

My mouth simply dropped and I couldn’t say a word. Thankfully, at that time I didn’t have to. My cousin had more to say.

“I mean, don’t get me wrong. I love the performing, I love being a part of the band. But.. I’m not getting any younger and.. Kris and me. We want to start a family.”

Ofcourse I wanted to interrupt. I mean, was he saying my wife and I weren’t doing a good job with our son? But as soon as I opened my mouth to say something, he signaled for me to be quiet and let him talk. And so I did.

“Wait, lemme explain. I know things are going well with Bay and Leighanne, but I don’t want that for myself. We don’t want that. I mean, when Baylee was born, we were on hiatus. So you were there for Leighanne, every step of the way. And you got used to being a father, you were around the little guy every single day. I want the same when, God willing, Kris gets pregnant and after the baby is born. I want to be there. And it’s not just that. There are so many others things I want to do. Another musical maybe, I wanna write songs for other artists, maybe even get that music school of the ground Keith and I have been talking about for years. I-I just think it’s time to move on..”

Needless to say, I was shocked. After being silent for a good twenty minutes or so, I voiced my opinion. Obviously, I tried to talk him out of leaving the band he has been a member of for the last thirteen years. Told him we could go on another hiatus. I mean, I had my family time, we wouldn’t mind giving him and his wife theirs. But I doubt that I managed to change his mind. He asked, no, he begged me not to tell the others yet. He wanted to do so himself, but not that night.

He planned on telling Nick tonight. He knows he isn’t going to take the message well, so he thought it’d be best to tell him tonight, since we have the next couple of days off. I wish he hadn’t told me when he did. Like I said, my mind was definitely not at the Ahoy’ arena where it was supposed to be. I wonder if Howie is ever gonna forgive me for almost throwing him offstage. He hardly said a word to me these last few days. Or maybe Kevin has already told him as well.

Yes, please. Could you add some ice to this one? Thanks.

Where was I? Oh yes.. Ahoy’. During the show, my eyes automatically seemed to drift to wherever Kevin was standing. It was strange. I just can’t imagine him not being there. He’s the reason I’m even in the group and now he’s stepping out.

But that night, Kevin was standing next to Nick most of the time. His hand resting on the younger one’s back, his arm looped around Nick’s shoulder. I could see that Kevin was so proud of the young man that was standing beside him. At the same time, I saw worry in his look. I understand. We all worry about Nick the most these days. I know I do. Even more now I know his big brother is stepping out.

I know my cousin’s concerned too. Kevin has always been his father figure, since his real father doesn’t seem to care about him that much. He gets him out of trouble, helps him solve any problem and gives him advice when needed. Nick can always rely on Kevin. Now I know some things will never change, but still.. a lot will.

And now I’m just sitting here. Talking to you, a nice bartender who surely has better things to do than listen to some singer from a so-called boyband.

No thanks, I think I’ve had enough for tonight. A cup of mint tea would be nice though.
No sugar or milk please.

Now I’m just waiting for whatever is next. What for? I’m not sure. Several things, I guess. Waiting for my cousin to come down and tell me he is not gonna quit the group, even though I know that’s not gonna happen. Not tonight, not ever. I’m waiting for Nick to come down here. I wanna be here if, no, when he needs a friend. I’m sitting here because I don’t want to go to sleep. But mostly, I guess I’m just waiting for Kevin to pick up the pieces and put us, all five of us, back together. He’s the only one that knows how..