That was the third time he glanced at the clock on the wall and for the third time too, he hissed with frustration. No matter how hard he forced himself to get some sleep by shutting both his eyes, yet he ended up staying wide awaked and staring blankly at the dark ceiling. He had tried counting sheep and even jumping frogs, idea courtesy of Mr. AJ McLean during their early stages embarking in the music industry when they used to share the same room. How AJ used to come up with those crazy ideas in order to ease the sensational butterflies anxiety he had inside his stomach. Eventually, it was Kevin who took over the role and talked to Nick till he dozed off.

Kevin?

Nick chuckled upon muttering the name softly on his lips. The only name that has been playing and lingering inside his head for the past few days. In fact, it became too frequent like a projector that was put on a repeat mode, presenting all those precious moments he spent with his big brothers over and over again. Even though the projector of memories was installed deep inside his head, yet he could feel their presences closed inside his heart. It certainly felt so real, like as if he was traveling through the passage of timeline. The jokes, the pranks, the smiles, the laughter and even the hugging. They felt so real.

The last time he faced the same difficulty to sleep was the day when Kevin told them in a meeting about his decision to leave the group. It came as something that was uncalled for and it hit them instantly like a speedy car that failed to pull its brake on time and knocked someone else to death because of the impact. Perhaps the only difference was that, they were still alive and breathing even after Kevin had his moments of sharing his future planning.

When Kevin kept on emphasizing to them that the decision was made way back then and it had nothing to do with anyone in the group, Nick shook his head in disbelief. If only he could see how by leaving itself already served a severe punishment on them for a crime they did not commit at all. When Kevin mentioned on wanting to pursue his dreams and placed full concentration on his other interests, Nick could see the lies deep beneath the confidence glow in his eyes. If only he could point out to Kevin at that time how much he needed them, just like the way they have had always needed him and how they needed on another. Afterall, that was what Backstreet Boys was all about and they were the ones who taught him right from the beginning of the brotherhood.

When others accepted Kevin’s final resolution without even trying to persuade him to drop the said crazy idea, he felt desperate than ever. Maybe they did but he knew it was just insufficient to influence Kevin to stay. Kevin was determined and Nick realized nothing could dampen that determination on Kevin’s decision. A decision that signified a slap of betrayal and how it triggered one kind of anger inside him. The calmness on Kevin’s face perturbed him the most and no doubt his anger accumulated with questions that Kevin seemed to avoid from answering. Since then, he had given up asking and thought it would be better to leave it unsolved.

For days and nights Nick isolated himself from the others. He spent time burying himself at home by putting all calls and messages on his cellphone on ignore. His heart swelled by Kevin’s departure and if only his big brother knew what he had gone through then maybe he would not be putting up that mask of calmness in front of him. It was behind those walls of his home, he found solace embracing him. Behind the silent lucidity of those lifeless closets was where he found his safest place to hide all his fragility outbursts from the painful truth, the media and even the fans.

The fans?

Of course, the fans’ reaction was fanatical. It was way beyond description. Apart from several suicidal notes they received, other than that the fans simply went wild. There were different and many assumptions, speculations and even reasons given out by the fans. He knew it was not easy to cope, to face and to handle the whole situation at that time. Despite of numerous assurances by the other members that Backstreet Boys will always be Backstreet Boys, yet at the end of the day he knew that everyone else knew Backstreet Boys will never be the same again. Never.

Nick remembered the first time they had to face the media without Kevin the atmosphere was completely different. Something was amiss and he knew the others felt the same thing too, but no one said anything. Perhaps the missing gap was too huge for words to fill in. Even sitting on the couch felt odd. Whenever the interviewer paused for another question, Nick would always turn to his right where Kevin used to sit at every interview. How he felt so pampered of having his big brother watching out for him and how he would give soft pats on his shoulders each time the interviewer touched on his personal stuff especially on his past relationships. How his big brother would stand up for him whenever rumours and nasty quotes were thrown at him. How he felt appreciated and secured with those brotherly hugs he used to get from Kevin. Hugs that represented a promise that he will always be there for him and just like a little brother, he trusted each and every hug he received especially the promise. He missed that hugs very much.

He also remembered the first time they walked into the recording studio without Kevin, the whole place looked strange. Though the microphones, the earphones, the dustbins, the mixer, the couch, the lyrics and even the mic-stands were in place, yet something was amiss somewhere. Again, no one said anything and pretended to keep themselves busy from getting too emotional. Once in a while they would sit around and started to talk like the good old days, trying to gain back Nick’s trust on them and for Nick to confide in them if he had any problems. As for Nick, the only problem he had was the changes and how he hated it. He did not want to be given any special treatment from the others. The special treatment will only paralyze him more because he knew he had to get accustomed to them moving on without Kevin. He did not want them to shower him with sympathy. Sympathizing with him will only cripple his strength to make a step forward.

Just as he was about to shut his eyes for the eighth time, his cellphone rang. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was almost 1 in the morning and who could have called him at such hours? AJ? That guy must be snoring away, Nick thought. Brian? He shook his head in amusement. Their earlier conversation barely lasted for a good ten minutes so it definitely could not be him. Maybe it was Howie. Afterall, he promised to call back since he had another line while they were on the phone earlier that afternoon.

Nick peeped at the number display flashing on the screen. The familiar number brought back a smile on his face. Out of a sudden, he felt so poignant and tears began to fill up his eyes. Why the abrupt change of emotions? Was it simply because of the earlier reminiscing moments that he had? Or was it because of the caller? He was not sure and did not bother to find out because all he wanted was to pick up the call. In one deep breath, he pressed on the keypad with his trembled fingers.

“Hey dude…”

“Hey Kev…”

Nick admitted he was quite surprised or rather very shocked to get that call from Kevin. The last time Kevin called, their conversation ended with a heated argument and this time round Nick made sure that he tamed down his emotions. He definitely did not want their conversation to end in a sour mannered. Not again. Afterall, he missed that man and after knowing the reason of the call, he missed his big brother more.

The chat lasted for two hours or so with a positive conclusion. First, Nick was excited to see his big brother again and yes, he was looking forward for a big group hug. Secondly, he never thought Kevin would remember about his difficulty to sleep on the night before the launching of their new albums. Certainly not after he left the group. Thirdly and most importantly of all, he did not lose his big brother at all. Kevin was there with him all the time, like he always did.