Chapter 2

"Daddy, don't worry, we'll see Mommy again someday. Right, Daddy?"

I immediately sat up-right in bed, breathing heavily with beads of sweat that seemed to be glued to my back. I took a glance over at the clock, not truly caring what time it was, and it read 4:03am. My first reaction was to get up, go to Elle's room and check on her... but Elle wasn't here. She was gone, and I was all alone.

Instead of checking on her in her bedroom, in about four hours I had to arrive at the church for her fucking funeral and burial. This isn't right. This is just all... wrong.

For a few silent moments, I just laid there, drifting off into my own little world of darkness. I could hear crickets chirping loudly outside my bedroom window. For the first time in my life, I was actually sitting here listening to nature's work of art, taking in each sound.

Fuck. I felt so dead, so useless and heartless. This is the most pain I've ever felt in my entire life. I didn't think your heart could actually hurt -- but right now, all of my organs seemed to be shutting down inside of me all at once.

Every second of the day, the only image I had in my mind was Elle floating in that pool. That damn pool that I fucking let her go to. I shouldn’t have, and I still can’t believe I allowed it to happen. I didn’t trust that guy and I knew it.

I focused my eyes onto the picture of Elle and I that had been sitting on my nightstand ever since Deb died. On the top of my dresser there were two framed pictures of all three of us as a family that I hadn't had the heart to take down after Deb died, I always reminded Elle that we were still a family... and we would see Mommy again one day.

I grabbed the picture frame and squeezed it as tightly as I could, letting tears just fall from my eyes. "Oh, god, baby... I want you back so bad."

Then I swallowed hard, took a deep breath, and placed the picture back on the nightstand. I couldn't do this to myself anymore. I can't cry anymore. Oh fuck, I just sighed to myself. I saw the bottle of Xanex that had been prescribed for me sitting on my dresser and I quickly grabbed the bottle. I needed something... I need to get this pit of my stomach for at least a few minutes. Maybe it will put me back to sleep. I quickly swallowed the pill and laid back down, staring at the ceiling.

"God, I miss you..."

    
"AJ," I heard my name being whispered, "AJ, buddy... you have to get up."

I squinched my eyes open. How'd it get so damn bright in here?

"Aje..."

"Yeah... I'm up," I responded dryly, not making any effort to get out of bed.

"Is there anything you need?"

Good ole' Nick, I guess. He didn't know what the hell to say.

"AJ," he looked at me, "I - I wish there was something... you know, something I could say."

"Don't worry about it," I muttered, "I wish there was, too."

Nick was already dressed to a tee, ready to go to a funeral as I laid here half naked 'cause it was so fucking hot in this room. But, I didn't care. Make the room 200 degrees and I'd be fine with that. Maybe I'd get lucky and die from heat exhaustion.

I didn't even want to go. I would stay here in bed for the next year if I could. It would be completely understandable if I didn't attend... but that would be wrong. My daughter's funeral. It doesn't sound right saying that. Not one bit.

I heard faint footsteps coming down the hallway, and I saw Brian's head peek in and whisper, "Is he up ye- Aje, your up."

"Sadly," I groaned and began to hop out of bed.

I guess it would be appropriate to take a shower, but I had no energy to do so. I stood there for just a few moments, evaluating... my life. Taking a few short moments to just ask myself why the hell I was still here.

Then, I slipped on my dress pants, threw my jacket over top of the white button-up shirt that I still had on from yesterday and had no energy left to put on my tie. I simply just let it slip from hands and fall to the floor, and completely lost it. It seemed that all my unshed tears that had been held in over years of grief just began to pour out of me. There wasn't much more that I could handle. I used both of my hands to cover my face, as if it would prevent more tears from falling.

Nick patted my back, not really knowing what to do or say. I don't think he had ever seen me in any condition as I was in right now. I was completely lifeless. My heart was cold and my soul was dead. Any passion that I had left for life had completely vanished.

When my grandmother died almost nine years ago, I had one of the hardest times of my life. I started using drugs and drinking to the point where I couldn’t stand, and ended up going to rehab. She was my second mother, and I never knew that life could go on without her. But I quickly learned that Grandma's die all the time, and she lived a long life.

Then when Deb died, I was pretty certain I was put on this Earth strictly just to be put through hell. But I would look at my beautiful baby girl -- and I knew everything would be okay. What kind of cruel God would take that child away from me? The only person I had left in this world.

"If God wanted to take somebody, why didn't he fucking take ME?!" I screamed, and Nick tried to grasp me tighter, as if he would control my temper somehow. He didn't like to see me like this.

"I love you, dude," was all Nick could spit out.

    
I held my head down as I entered the church, wanting and needing to grasp onto something. I couldn't find a hand close by, or a body. Brian was walking behind me. That was probably a good thing -- in case I collapsed. My mom was walking beside me.

I could almost immediately hear the faint whispers of sympathy coming from the crowd gathered in the church. I used to like attention, but I don't like this. I don't want anybody to know me, or know what happened to me. I don't want people's fucking sympathy wishes, as they continue to go on with their normal lives with their children and their wives.

I finally came to a stop to the front pew, catching my breath as I take a seat on the hard wood bench.

This couldn't be happening.

Brian patted my back, and then I saw it... oh, God, no. Not my beautiful baby being wheeled up in that horrid casket. She was not in there. Oh, god, no!

My weeping was loudly heard throughout the hollow, silent church. It nearly echoed and bounced off each wall as each grueling second passed.

Brian gripped my hand tightly, and I squeezed back even tighter. His eyes were now filled with as many tears as mine, with a grimace look on his face and his quivering lips were shaking uncontrollably.

The continued sound of muffled sniffles from different friends and family were constantly heard.

The priest began to speak, before allowing Kevin up on the altar to give us a eulogy, and talk of all the good things about Elle.

But it was too painful to listen. I couldn't bear it any longer. And before I knew it, I was sitting in the passenger seat of a truck, following the hearse which carried my daughter's dead body.

This graveyard was all too familiar to me. I've had to be here far too many times than any man should ever have to visit one cemetery.

I stood in the front underneath the tarp in which the rain pounded onto. I stared at her tiny coffin and it was so hard to comprehend. Flowers decorated the casket, along with her favorite stuffed dog. That couldn't be my Elle in there that was about to be buried underground... a place where she would remain forever. Until this world ends. God only hopes that would happen soon.

I traced my fingers along the smooth casket, before leaning over to kiss the top of it. I had no expression on my face, not even a tear or a frown. It was simply just... a lifeless expression. I might as well have been buried right beside her.

The priest was reading a prayer, which I paid no mind to. My brain couldn't focus on anything right now, except for my beautiful daughter that was lying inside of the now closed casket. I wanted to kiss her little face so bad, and hold her in my arms and tell her everything was going to be okay.

But it wasn't okay. And it never would be again.

I met Howie's gaze for a moment, but quickly turned my head. I couldn't see him with tears pouring uncontrollably from his glazed eyes... not Howie. Damnit, don't cry on me!

Amen.

What? We were done? No! I'm not leaving her. Not this soon. Not yet. I'm not leaving my baby.

I began to see everyone scattering away from the grave site, and heading back to the dry haven of their cars.

Taking my eyes off of the casket for the first time since we had arrived, I looked behind me to see the only people left were my mom, Nick, Howie, Brian and Kevin. But out of the corner of my eye, I spotted an elder man walking towards me. In the distance, he looked like my... "Dad?" I questioned out loud.

"What?" Brian questioned.

I ignored him, keeping my focus on the man walking towards the grave, with his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets -- he didn't look happy in any way. And then he approached me, looked me in the eyes and simply said, "I'm sorry."

"Dad?" I asked, once again.

He just nodded his head, keeping his hands firmly tucked in his pockets. I saw all four of my 'brothers' just standing there watching, unsure if they should leave or stay to witness whatever was about to occur. My mom even looked dismayed about what to do, so she stayed back.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I spit out, angrily.

He simply shrugged and said, "I... I thought it was the right thing to do."

"You didn't even know Elle! You don't even fucking know me! Your own son, you asshole. Let alone your dead grand-daughter! You must feel like a fucking amazing person, Dad!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, I was boiling inside now.

He shouldn't have come! He was just getting me riled up, and fucking pissed off. I wanted to just punch him so hard right now, ask him where he had been my entire life and why he decides to show up now... to his grand-daughter's funeral, whom he had never met.

The violent raindrops that poured from the sky immediately engulfed me as I stepped out of the tent that had been shielding me from the rain, and I just focused my eyes directly into my father's.

"Where have you been?" I breathed heavily, trying to control my anger to at least let him give me an explanation.

It seemed like an eternity went by, where I just stood there letting the rain pound down on me, as I stared at my father's face which was filled with confusion and distress.

I wouldn't do it -- I wouldn't break down in front of him. I wasn't going to cry. I wouldn't let my pride get taken advantage of that easily... nope, I wouldn't do it.

And just at the moment, I looked into his eyes with my own quivering lips and buried my head into his shoulder. I let go of all the tears that should've been shed over the man that I was now holding onto for dear life. I had only let myself cry over my missing father once in my life that I remembered.

I began breathing heavily, trying to regain my composure and get a few gulps of air in between.

"It's not fair...," I cried, "Oh, God, it's not fair."

I couldn’t tell you how many times I could say that over and over again. It simply isn’t fair.

I pounded my fists on his back as hard as I could, to get my own frustrations out but also to just... hit him. I wanted to fucking kill, hit, or hurt someone and if it would be any person, it'd be him.

There was nothing he could say to me, and he didn't even shed a tear. I heard him sigh deeply, and I finally let go and wiped my eyes clear of tears.

"Aje," I saw Brian walk over to me, not wanting to break up my conversation, "They... they said we have to leave... to-"

"Bury her," I continued for him, "I know."

He just let his head fall, and nodded.

"Alex, I've wanted to get to know you...," my father finally spit out, feeling as if it was his last chance to say anything.

"Oh yeah?" I just looked at him, "Then why haven't you?"

"I fucked up as a dad, Alex. The whole world knows that! But that never means I didn't love you -- or that you weren't a part of me. I was too scared, and too stupid to try to swallow my pride and just... find you as a child. Besides,” he glanced over at my mom quickly and whispered, “your mother never made it easy on me.”

"Don't even blame things on mom!" I was infuriated that he would even bring her into this.

He just sighed, and didn't have anything else to say, "Please call me if you need anything."

I took the small sheet of paper from his hands and shoved it into my pockets, but I didn't respond, only turned around and began walking towards my car. The other four guys followed closely behind me, not even looking at my father. They had witnessed first hand the pain and anguish that this man alone had caused me over the years.

They couldn't bear to see any more shit happen to me, and they knew I couldn't handle my father walking into my life, especially now.

I opened the passenger door to Brian's Suburban and simply sighed, laying my head back against the headrest, closing my eyes and trying to subdue my anguished mind.

Twenty minutes into the calamitous drive, my eyes began to steadily close shut, and then I dazed off into my own world.

Her tiny little hands grasped onto my one finger, her skin was as soft as feathers, and she looked up at me with the most amazing bright brown eyes that I've ever seen in my life.

My daughter.

I couldn't believe I had just watched the birth of a child.  My child.  I cradled her in my arms, and sang softly to try to soothe her.  Everything that we had gone through and she was here... it was unbelievable.  I held a new life in my arms -- a life that I took part in creating, and now she was here on this earth.  I gathered all of my nerves and leaned in to give her a kiss.

Tears poured out of my eyes, and I made a personal vow to always protect her and always be there for her.  In a matter of minutes, my life had completely changed forever.

I'm finally complete.  My heart is finally complete.

The screeching realization that Elle was gone awoke me from my light sleep, once again.  The darkness pervaded the lonely space around me, and I felt the most alone that I've ever felt in my life.  I lifted my head from the soft pillow, groping for my cigarettes which lied somewhere on my nightstand. My hands searched all over until I finally grabbed one from the pack, lit it up, and deeply inhaled, holding the smoke in my lungs for a few moments before releasing it.

My nose was clogged and red, I couldn't breathe one bit.  Crying could do that to you.  It could also make your head pound and your eyes burn so bad that you felt as if you couldn't hold them open for even a second.  My lungs were even tired, and felt as if there couldn't even be another breath pushed out of them.

The silence in my bedroom was killing me slowly, but I liked it.  The sound of silence kept me sane; it kept me from getting violent or aggressive with other people because at the moment, I just didn't feel like being bothered.

"Is this my punishment?" I whispered, not sure if I was talking to myself or God, "Is this my punishment for my sins? For all the wrong doings in my life?  Fuck, if it is... it's not fair. I changed.  And you know it."

I thought back to six years ago.  God, I went through hell.  My whole fucking life had completely fallen apart, once again, but then I held that beautiful baby in my arms and everything felt okay.  I had cheated on my fiancée, gotten someone else pregnant, broke up my soon-to-be marriage, had a child with a woman that I barely knew... who I quickly fell in love with, and then everything soon fell into place.  I had a family.  For the first time in my life, I had something to come home to.  Now what the hell do I have?

I'm sick of being the strong one -- I'm not strong, not for this, not strong for much anymore.

Fuck, I just sighed to myself, then reached over trying to locate the remote.  I grabbed it, and hit the 'power' button.  I squinted my eyes at the bright light that shined through the television, letting my eyes adjust.  I quickly scrolled through all the channels available.  Who am I kidding? I can't focus on any TV right now.  It gave me a headache just listening to the fucking chipper, happy people that were beginning the morning news.  I turned it off quickly.

A small ray of light peeked in through my bedroom door, which cracked open a few inches, and I saw Brian's head pop in.

Jesus Christ.  He was still here.

"Can't sleep either?" I asked Brian in a harsh tone.

"I was just, well... no, but I was checkin' on you," he stuttered and shrugged, "You know... making sure your okay."

They all probably think I'm gonna kill myself.  I don't see a reason not to, but I wouldn't do it.

"Yep.  Perfectly fine," I lit up another cigarette, quickly inhaling as much as possible, and exhaling out.

Brian scrunched his nose up, and I knew he couldn't stand the smell of smoke but he didn't dare say anything to me about it now.

Now I was just in my pissed off stage.  I was so emotionless, and so mentally and physically drained, I couldn't even concentrate on the mourning of my daughter.

"Look, do you want me to stay in here with you?" Brian asked, closing the bedroom door behind him as he walked towards the bed, taking a seat on the end of it, "Do you need anything? Sleeping pills? Food?"

"Pills would be nice, of any kind," I sort of smirked.

Brian just looked at me, his eyes filled with worry and concern, "Okay.  I'll get you a Xanex."

I blew out puffs of smoke, and just laughed in an evil sort-of way, "Don't go get me pills.  I wanna suffer.  I wanna fucking suffer."

Brian was looking at me as if I was crazy.  I didn't know what the fuck I was talking about, I was half-asleep.  And then I glanced my eyes over to the picture of Elle, she was beautiful.  God, was she beautiful or what?

"Brian," my heart began to beat fast, and my pulse was racing, "Brian, what am I gonna do?  I - I can't live without her.  I can't.  I just... you know what she meant to me.  You know how special she was.  She almost wasn't in the world in the beginning and now she's just gone!?  She's taken from me?  It's not fair, Bri. All the shit that I went through to get her into this world and He just takes her away from me so soon!?"

I gave up, and nearly collapsed into Brian's arms.  I was exhausted, I was hurt, I was in pain and I wasn't strong enough for this.  I could try to fight it, and I could try to act like a hard ass but I can't do this.  My soft, quiet sobs filled the silent room as I stayed in Brian's embrace, clinging onto him like a little child.

Brian's cries slowly could be heard and it just made me cry even harder.  He was attempting to cover the tears, but I knew he was sobbing.  He didn't know what to do for me, and I truly believe for one split second he could feel my pain.

I released from Brian's grip, and wiped my eyes, "What if this was Baylee, Bri? What if?"

"I know, I know," was all he could repeat, "I have a little boy.  It could've happened to him.  Aje, I don't know why this happened to you.  I don't.  There's no reason for it.  It was just... a tragic accident."

"Bri, I let my kid go to a fucking pool for a day, and she drowns? She dies?  God, she just wanted to play with her friends.  I had been keeping her so sheltered since Deb died, and I give in one time, ONE God damn time and she's dead!"  I screamed, as loud as I could, I wish the whole world would hear me.

"I don't know," Brian sighed, "I just don't know."

"Life doesn't make any sense.  Why couldn't he take me?  I could've gone... Elle would've been fine.  You would've taken care of her, or Mom ... or somebody.  She would've had a great life.  But instead, he leaves me here?  It just... doesn't make any sense."

I picked up the frame with he picture in it and just stared at it, with more tears welling up in my eyes, "How can she be gone, Bri?"

Brian took the picture from my hands to take a glance at it himself and tears began to fall like rain from his eyes. “I don't know, Bone.  I don't know why he would take your baby."

My head was pounding and I strained to find a meaning; I couldn't find one.  I just couldn't find a meaning for life.

"My baby," I chuckled through my tears, "She hated when I called her that--she always said 'Daddy, I'm your big girl now.'"

Brian smiled warmly, remembering her saying that countless times.

"She would get so mad at me," I actually cracked a smile, thinking back on the funny memory, "And I'd start tickling her and tell her she would always be my baby."

"Remember when she actually was a baby?" Brian asked, "And the first time I met her she threw up all over me?"

I laughed, although the tears continued pouring down my cheeks, "Yeah.  Yeah, I remember that like yesterday."

"I had a lot of good times with her.  You used to get me to baby-sit her a lot when she was little... when you and Deb first got together."

"Yeah," I remembered back to the time, "Yeah, you babysat her a lot."

I just stared out of the window, the gusts of wind could be heard trying to seep their way through, and the leaves shuffled around outside.

"You know," I sighed, "It seems like every time I think things are going okay, and I begin to get happy... something like this happens.  It's like... I'm not meant to be happy.  I'm supposed to be this depressed guy for the rest of my life -- that way, things don't change.  They just stay the same."

"I don't think it's for any reason, AJ.  Nobody's out to get you or anything.  At least that's not what I believe."

"I don't know what to believe anymore.  There's nothing for me left to believe in.  Life has just been... well, it's been a big pile of shit for me.  But, I feel like if I stop believing in God, or stop believing there's a Heaven, then I won't get to see my baby again.  Or my wife.  Or my grandparents.  Or anyone else I knew that died.  God," I muttered, "I just never expected her to leave.  Not this soon."

"Me neither," Brian just shook his head and sighed, "Me neither."

I loved Brian to death and he had helped me through everything... all of my shitty times.  But it really pissed me off how everything in his life seemed to run so smoothly.  You know, he had a messy divorce, so what? It fucking happens to everyone.  He still has his kid.  He still has his family.  Everyone around me had these close-to-perfect lives, and here I was -- just a fucked up guy that had been put on this earth for some unknown reason.

I rubbed my eyes, closed them for a brief moment, and decided to sit up out of my bed.

"Fuck," I just muttered to myself, throwing the covers off of me, and walking towards the bathroom.

My stomach was twisted in knots and I felt like I could vomit at any moment.  So I sped up my pace, and hovered over the toilet throwing up, what seemed, everything that I had ever eaten in my entire life.

I quickly flushed it down, and Brian immediately came running over with a glass of water in hand.  I took it from him, and gulped it down, disgusted by my own self.  Then Brian handed me a towel and I wiped my face clean.

Leaves crunched underneath my feet as I carefully picked my way through the tombstones.  The chilly breeze blew softly around me, and I spotted the headstone, right beside it was a pile of freshly dug dirt.  Elle's stone wouldn't arrive for months.  For now, it was just a pile of dirt.  In a way, I liked it like that.  That way the realization doesn't hit me yet, I don't have to look at her name carved into a stone, proving that she had died.

Despite the bright sun that shined down, I was cold.  The breeze was enough to make me shiver, so I slipped my jacket on, trying to find some sort of warmth left in my body.  There wasn't much of that left.  I approached the sixth headstone that there was, and read the words silently to myself.

Deborah Ellen McLean  September 15, 1977 - November 20th, 2009

Then, I eyed the big pile of dirt that lied next to her, and sank to my knees.  I rubbed my hands all through the dirt, praying that maybe she would come back to me, even if it was only for a little while.  I needed to see a miracle happen.  I needed some little piece of hope to grasp onto.

"Daddy would be so happy...," I whispered aloud, "Daddy needs you to give him answers.  Daddy just wants you to be happy, sweetheart.  But I miss you so much.  I need you here."

Then, I traced my fingers along Deb's name, "I hope you’re with her, you know that?  As much as I want her here, it makes me feel better that her Mommy's with her.  I can suffer.  I can stay on this earth and suffer.  You couldn't have handled this.  Maybe that's why God took you first.  Shit, I can't handle it either, though."

I sighed, "You know, after you died... it took me months to get here to the cemetery.  Now, look at me... I'm here five days later.  Five fucking days.  I'm goin' mad, Debs, I really am.  I haven't visited my grandparents in over a year."

I looked over at the trees, which were now blowing in the wind, causing the colored leaves to fall off of their branches.

"I didn't tell anyone where I was going," I told the grey stone, "They're probably worried as hell.  But fuck it.  I wanted to see you guys.  I needed to see my family."

I pulled a pack of cigarettes out of my coat pocket, lifted one from the box, and began quietly puffing on the cigarette.

"You know, I never did this with Elle in the room," I blew out puffs of smoke, "I had almost quit.  But now -- now, it's just fucking impossible.  I know you'd understand hon."

Then, I switched my gaze over to Elle's spot, where my daughter now lies for the rest of my life.

"Sweetie, Daddy misses you so much," I threw out my cigarette, and nudged it into the ground with my fingers, "Oh, baby... Daddy's so lost without you.  I keep telling myself I'll see you again, but it's so hard to grasp onto that I'll never see you again until the day that I die," I took a deep breath in between words, "And I'm sorry.  I'm trying to be strong.  For you, of course.  But it's so hard.  You’re not on this earth anymore and Daddy just doesn't know how much longer he can take it."

I held back my tears, and sucked it up, "I miss you."

I graced my fingers throughout the dirt once again, before slowly rising to my feet.  Then, I glanced over at the trees one more time, picked up a few leaves off of the ground that were lying beside me and I buried them in the dirt. Before I walked away, I dug through my pocket looking for change and had a few quarters.  I took one, slid it under the dirt, and slightly smiled, "That coin will be there forever, babe."

Then I loudly let out an exasperated sigh, looked to the grey stone one last time, and turned around as I began heading back towards my car.

Before starting the engine, I simply sat in my seat for a few moments, looking into my own eyes in the rearview mirror.  I looked like shit and there was no doubt about it.  Besides that, there was a dullness in my eyes; an emptiness that engulfed me.  Even my skin was pale -- I yearned to discover some sort of color but I just couldn't dig deep enough to find it.

I gazed up at the sky, wishing that maybe a ray of light would shine upon me and tell me everything was going to be okay.

Ah, fuck it.  I just turned the key as the engine rumbled on, and I began to leave the cemetery.  I looked over my shoulder for one last glance, "Bye, my girls."

The way back home was probably the longest drive of my life. By the time I arrived home, and pulled into the driveway, I noticed four other cars sitting beside Deb's.  Shit, I just rolled my eyes and slammed my door shut, shoving my car keys into my pocket.  I didn't feel like dealing with...people, right now.  They were probably all worried, but I didn't have the patience to deal with concerned people.

As soon as I twisted the knob I could hear an outpour of different reactions. "Oh, thank God!" I could hear Brian's voice clearly.

"AJ, please don't do that to us...," Brian greeted me with a tight hug, "We were all just worried."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I just muttered, throwing my keys onto the coffee table that sat by the front door.

Then, my focus drifted over to the man sitting on my sofa.  You've got to be fucking kidding me.

"What the fuck is he doing here?" I pointed to him, as he stood from his spot on the couch to greet me, although speechless.

"Aje," Kevin just looked at me, "We... we just thought... I'm sorry."

I took a ragged breath, trying to calm myself once again, and he squeezed my shoulder attempting to support me and whispered into my ear, "He is your father, J."

"Father?" I yelled, but in a whisper, "A father to who?!  Can someone tell me? Because I sure as fuck don't know who this man is!"

"I'll - I'll leave...," I heard him say, and began heading towards the door.

"AJ, he is your blood, whether you like it or not," Kevin firmly gripped onto me, my body becoming more tense as each churning second passed.

My mind was moving a million miles an hour and running fast-paced in a thousand different directions, not allowing my brain one second to catch a single thought.

"Don't, I don't know, fuck... don't leave," I spit out, before my father walked out of the door.  I slid my sweaty hand on my forehead to rest my palm there, attempting to get my brain to think more clearly.  My brain had never actually felt like it could explode, but right now, it felt as if it could at any given moment.

"Do you know how much shit you caused me?" I bluntly yelled out, looking my father into his eyes.

"No," he simply said, "I could never feel the pain you’re going through right now. And I'm not going to act like I could."

"Yeah, well no shit," I replied back, in the most smart-ass way that I could, "But before any of this... before my wife, before my little girl... do you know how much shit you put me through?"

He just dropped his neck, and shook his head.

"You know what, fuck it.  Your worthless," I threw my arms up in distress, and quickly ran up the stairs to go hibernate myself in my bedroom -- the only place that I wanted to be right now, besides being dead, was up there in that dark, lonely bedroom.

I drew the shades shut, blocking any rays of sun that could possibly shine through and distract me from my sleep.  And of course, there had to be footsteps that could be heard following me, and soon enough my bedroom door flung open.

"Alex," I heard Kevin say, as he came closer to me.  It was the first time he had called me Alex in a long time.  "I'm sorry," he whispered, "It was me who called him over.  I didn't know if it would be good or bad -- but we were all so worried, and didn't know where you went..."

"I just went to the fucking cemetery, Kev.  To visit my dead wife and daughter.  Can't anyone at least give me that?"

"Aje, that's fine.  We were just worried."

"Kevin...," I looked at him with child-like eyes, searching for answers, "I...I can't do this."

Kevin simply leaned over, and wrapped his arms around me, "AJ, I don't know why this stuff happens to you.  You've been nothing but an amazing person throughout your life, please don't forget that.  No matter what, you have me.  You've also got Brian, Nick and Howie.  It sounds corny, but we're family, AJ.  Please remember that?" he backed away for a moment, to look me in the eyes, and make sure I was listening.

All I could do was let more tears fall from my eyes, and let go of all my pride once again, and fall into my brother's arms.

He embraced me in a hug, and firmly told me, "Please, let me help you.  You can't do this on your own."

I just nodded, as tears continued to stream down my face.

I was a stubborn person, I knew that.  I didn't like people to help me.  I just wouldn't allow it.  I always felt like I could handle things on my own, and take control of situations.  There was no way in hell that I could take control of this situation.  I had lost all control, as a matter of fact, and if Kevin was willing to be with me every step of the way, for the first time in my life... I think I would have to accept it.

"Man, Kev...," I just sighed, "How can she be gone?  She was so perfect.  She was gettin' so big and so tall..."

"Here, special delivery...," Kevin joked, carrying Elle over his shoulder and dropping her off into her father's arms, in a fit of giggles and laughter.

"There's my girl!" I smiled at the sight of her, taking her into my arms, and planting a kiss on her forehead. "How was she?"

"An angel, as always," Kevin responded and then continued to torment my poor child by messing up her hair.  She quickly wrapped her small arms around my neck, and smiled at Kevin's harmless torment.

"Your growing so big," Kevin laughed, "Last time I saw you, you were like, here..."   He placed his hand down at his knees.

"Well, I grew, uncle Kev!" she told him, proudly, "Duh!"

I smiled, and squeezed her tightly into a bear hug, closing my eyes for a brief second to thank God for my daughter before she slipped out of my arms and ran off into the hotel lobby, rummaging around who knows what.

Kevin shook his head and smiled, "How was breakfast?"

"It was fine..."

The thought of Elle being vanished from this earth was completely unbearable for any one mind to handle.  It was so hard to comprehend; my mind just couldn't grasp onto it.

"Do you want me to stay in here with you tonight?" Kevin asked, "I can grab some pillows and blankets and make a comfy spot on the floor."

I nodded.

"Do you want me to tell the other guys to just take off?"

I shrugged, "It doesn't matter."

"Alright," Kevin simply nodded, "I'll go tell 'em."

He knew.  Kevin knew I didn't want to be bothered.  And he would take care of it.  That was the probably the coolest part about Kevin... he always took care of things.  If you needed something done, he was there.

When Kevin left the room, I broke down once more, before wiping my eyes free of tears and crawling underneath the warm comfort of my blankets.  I simply sighed, began to close my eyes... and possibly get a few minutes of sleep.

The evening sky had faded, and the sun was slowly sinking into the horizon, awaiting the bright moon to rise. The grasses were now brown, with a few shades of green left.

I lit a cigarette, as I sat on the bench at the park up the street from my house, watching the children running, smiling and laughing, before turning my eyes as icy as I could and briskly inhaling the stream of smoke into my lungs. I took a deep breath, but it didn't do me any good; I still felt as though I was suffocating.

The chilled air caused me to shiver, and I zipped up my hoodie and clutched it up tighter around me. It wasn't fair. Why did all these people have their kids? I simply sighed, and stood from my seat on the bench to walk back to my car.

I knew exactly where I was going to go. I needed to. I didn't give a shit what anybody else thought about it.

About a half an hour later, I pulled into the parking lot of this little hole-in-the-wall pub, where nobody would know me and nobody would bother me. I slammed the car door shut, and walked up the stairs slowly to the entrance. The scent of cigarettes and liquor got stronger with each step, and I kept a firm hold on the railing, swallowing the taste that was raising my throat as I thought about the bitter sweet taste of alcohol.

As I opened the door, I caught a few glances from the others in the bar and you could tell they were regulars. I took a seat on the barstool, and the bartender came over, "What would you like, sir?"

"Coke...," I thought for a moment, "and rum will do fine, thanks."

I swiveled around in the barstool, turning to face the television that was hanging on the opposite side. A football game was on and I just grunted, and turned back around. Who gives a fuck?

The waitress placed the drink in front of me, "Here ya’ are sir."

"Thanks."

For a moment, all I could do was stare at it. Shit, maybe I shouldn't be doing this. As fucking badly as I needed it, this wouldn't be right.

But I grabbed it, held it in my hand and sipped down the entire drink as quickly as possible. The burning sensation of the liquor flowing down my throat felt good - really good, and in a matter of seconds I could feel the horrible pit in my stomach slowly start to fade away.

"Need something else?" the older woman behind the bar asked me, with her hands placed on her hips.

"Please."

She poured me another drink, and I took it with grace.

A bearded man came over and sat next to me, nodding his head towards me, and looking nearly as depressed as I was.

"How you doin'?" he asked me.

I just nodded, looked at him and put on my best fake smile, "Just peachy."

Maybe that was an arrogant thing to say, and I shouldn't be taking anything out on this unknown man but I couldn't contain myself. I wasn't happy -- and I didn't want to act happy.

"Actually, I'm feelin' like shit," I told him very bluntly, and in the back of my mind I wanted to tell him what happened... shit, I would give him my whole life story if we had the time.

"You need to be anywhere anytime soon?" I asked him.

He just bit his lip, thought about it for a minute, and shook his head, "Nope."

I reached into my back pocket, pulling my wallet out which held a few pictures of Elle, and just handed him the picture. "That's my daughter," I told him.

"She's cute," he let a small smile escape from his lips, "What's her name?"

"Elle," I loved to say her name aloud, "She... she, uh, passed away about a week ago."

His smile quickly faded, and he just looked at me, not knowing what to do or say.

"I'm sorry...," was all he spit out.

That was usually all people could say. You hear about death all the time, but the death of a child... that's different. Completely different.

"What happened, if you don't mind me asking?"

I started to get choked up, and he quickly added, "No, no... don't tell me. I'm sorry, man."

"No. I want to talk about it."

I sucked up the last of my drink, and the bartender came over with another one, setting it right in front of me and I sipped it, before swallowing hard. I lit up another cigarette quickly, and offered him one, but he shook his head.

I remembered everything about that hellacious day. The day they told me my daughter was dead.


"Mr. McLean?" I heard a voice through my cell phone receiver, and took a left at the intersection.

"That's me," I replied, "Whose this?"

"Davidson County Police-"

My stomach was engulfed in knots, and I held the phone to my ear for dear life, fear taking over my body.

"Are you related to Elle Alexandra McLean?" he asked, in a deep tone.

Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no, you've got to be shitting me. Nothing's wrong with her. Not Elle.

I gulped, "Please. Don't tell me she's hurt. Nothing happened to her. She's okay, right? RIGHT?!"

"Mr. McLean,-" he tried to complete his sentence but I wouldn't allow it. I wasn't going to hear it.

"No! Don't even fucking tell me."

"Your daughter is in the back of an ambulance, she's had an accident, and she's fallen into the pool."

The phone slipped out from my sweaty palms, and I don't even know how I continued to steer.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, no, God no!" I screamed aloud into the phone.

"Sir, sir," I could hear a faint voice coming from the other line, trying to get my attention, "She's at Davidson County Hospital."

I threw my phone onto the floor, slamming onto my breaks, realizing I was headed the wrong way. Fuck. Davidson County.

I don't even know I got there in one piece. I could hear the sirens coming from the distance, getting louder as each grueling second passed, until it pulled under the 'Emergency' ramp in the front of the hospital. Oh no, this can't be happening. Fuck, no.

Immediately, the ambulance doors flung open, exposing my little Elle lying on the stretcher as four people stood around her pumping her chest and trying to bring her back to life.

"God, please!" I screamed as I ran over to her, "Just give her a chance! Please, give her a chance! I need her!"

"Sir, you’re going to have to stay back," one of the doctors told me, as they wheeled her lifeless body into intensive care and I just yelled. At that point in time, all I could do was scream.

"Fuck you! That's my daughter in there!" tears began falling down my cheeks and I simply fell to the ground, my knees collapsing and scraping my chin as I went down.

I could feel somebody attempting to pick me up, and carry me inside, but I couldn't budge. My legs were frozen, and felt as if they were sinking into the ground each second. I was suffocating, and the darkness of this world had consumed me for a moment. Time stood still, and my world seemed to be moving in slow motion, and I was unsure what was coming next.

I don't know how I ended up in a hospital chair. Then I quickly came to my senses, and saw my little Elle... wires, and needles and machines surrounded her.

I couldn't stop screaming, and I couldn't breathe. I was stuck in a moment, and frozen, just waiting to awake from this horrific nightmare. I couldn't believe this.

'There's nothing much more we can do,' I could hear doctors talking to themselves.

"No!" I yelled, "You’re not stopping! You’re bringing her back! Motherfucker, you bring my daughter back to me!"

I don't know how much time passed, or what had happened, or how it happened, but all I knew was that I was now holding onto my daughter's limp body, grasping onto her for dear life. She was so fragile, and so cold. She looked sickly pale, and her body was nothing more than skin and bones.

"Oh, my baby," I cried, caressing her long, brown hair.

I rocked her back and forth in my arms, holding her as tightly as I possibly could, never planning on letting go.

"Baby, oh, no! Not my Elle!" I wailed.

Tears were now violently falling from my eyes, and I think this man felt bad for even asking. By now, I was getting fucking plastered. When you haven't had a drink in over seven years, one beer alone can fuck you up. I think I had just had four.

"Fuck, dude," I began slurring my words like a fucking moron, with tears running down my face, and he probably thought I was insane, "I don't fucking know anything anymore."

I swallowed several more sips of the drink, before pulling the empty glass away from my lips with a grimace. I could feel more sobs rising in my throat, but fought it as long as I could until letting everything flow out of me once more.

"Man, your sure a lightweight," he slightly smiled.

"Yeah, been and done the rehab thing. Haven't touched a drink in over seven years, so I just completely… fucked up," I just started laughing, in this evil sort-of drunken way.

"Oh, shit, dude," was all he could say, "You need a ride home? Where's your girl or your wife, whatever?"

I just shook my head, "Dead."

Now he really probably thought I had issues.

"Oh, man, I'm sorry."

I just shook my head, "Nah. Don't even fucking worry about it. My life is fucking nothing."

My sorrow was quickly overcome by anger and rage, as I pounded my fists against the bar and closed my eyes attempting to regain some composure. I didn't want this guy to think I was too drunk to drive. I wasn't about to rely on some stranger to bring me home.

"I'm out of here...," I quickly stood from my spot, and laid a hundred-dollar bill down on the counter.

The bartender began to pull out change from the cash register, but I threw my hands up in protest, "Keep the change. Please."

She simply shrugged and smiled, "Have a nice day."

Fucking bitch.

"You too," I replied back.

"Man, don't drive home... please. You’re pretty fucked up," the man who was still unknown pleaded.

"I'm fine. Thanks for listening to me."

Before he could argue, I quickly walked out of the door, digging for my keys in my pockets along the way. I finally found them, unlocked my car, and hopped in -- starting the engine, as it rumbled on.

I couldn't even see straight, and I could feel my cell phone vibrating repeatedly in my pocket. I just didn't have the energy to reach down and answer it. I wasn't in the mood to explain myself, and where I was or what I had just done because honestly, I could care less right now.

The roads were slippery and you could tell it had just rained. This road, in particular, was dark and eerie. Street lights were no where to be seen and I strained to see out of the windshield.

I gripped one hand tightly on the wheel, the other clenched onto a cigarette, which hung half-way out of the cracked window.

My life is such a fucking joke, I sighed, blowing out puffs of smoke. I don't even know where the fuck I am. Or who the fuck I am, for that matter.

Eventually, I saw a familiar street and turned onto the road which led to my house.

Of course, Brian's truck sat in the driveway. I'm sure he was the one who had been calling me over and over again. I figured maybe I had had enough time to sober up a bit on the drive home, but once I caught myself stumbling out of the car I figured it was highly unlikely.

My stomach immediately felt the immense pit come back into play, which was a sign that the alcohol was, indeed, wearing off to an extent. So before Brian could even say a word, I popped a Xanex, hoping it could possibly find a cure to my indefeasible pain, even if only for a little while.

I opened my front door, and spotted Brian with his cell phone in his hand, fast asleep on the couch.

Man, was that guy awesome or what? I nodded my head. Yeah, he was the only family I had left.

Brian's eyes slowly squinted open, and he immediately jumped up in reaction to seeing me.

"No-" was all Brian could spit out, "Did you- Did you just...?"

"Yes!" I exclaimed, "I fucking got drunk! So sue me! Just fucking shoot me!"

I began to laugh in a denial state of mind, but then suddenly a burst of tears came running down. I hated feeling like this; I wanted some sense of happiness back. God, anything. But that would never happen again. That's what was killing me so badly.

The tears clouded my vision, unable to even see straight. My nose was impossible to breathe through. I sniffled loudly, in an effort to get my nasal passages working properly once again. Sobs quietly escaped from my throat, and it sounded more like a cough than a cry.

"How much did you drink?" Brian simply asked, trying to avoid a lecture at this point in time.

I thought about it, and in my head estimated maybe six drinks?

"Too much," I told him.

"Oh my God...," I groaned, half sprawled out on the tile floor, my forehead rested on the edge of the shiny toilet seat, as I vomited out everything that my stomach had consumed in the last three days, which wasn't much.

I struggled to lift myself up off of the ground, and once I did, I climbed right back into the warmth of my bed.  I clutched the covers, and pulled them up towards my chin and began shivering.  It wasn't that I was cold, it was more of just a mixture of fear, anger, and sorrow all blended together to make me feel as if I was clinically insane.

The whistling of the winds rustled outside of my windows, despite the sun that had crept up on the world in the last thirty minutes.

I groaned, threw the covers off of me, and got up to close the blinds.  I slid them shut, so the room was once again filled with complete darkness.  My head was pounding, and light was the last thing my head needed.

I went back into the bathroom, unsure if I wanted to wake myself up, or simply just lay back in bed for the rest of the day.  I think my first hangover in seven years deserves a full day in bed but honestly, what the fuck does it matter?  If I'm up, I'm up and if I'm asleep, well... then I'm asleep.

I leaned onto the bathroom counter, attempting to gain any strength back to hold myself up.  I looked at myself in the mirror, truly looked at myself for the first time in a long time and all I could see was a lonely man.  A misunderstood, lonely man just searching for answers.

My eyes had bags underneath of them, and were red and dull.  My hair was overgrown, and a mess.  The awful stench of alcohol could be smelled on my breath.

I ran a hand through my hair, trying to gain some of my decency back as a human being and sighed while doing so.  It was so useless.

I grabbed my toothbrush from the sink, piled a lump of toothpaste on it, and began to brush my teeth.  Even raising the toothbrush from the sink up to my mouth took a whole load of strength and energy that I didn't have.  I scrubbed as hard as possible, feeling as if that might help me a little.   I spit one final time, before placing the toothbrush back on the counter.  Then I grabbed the mouthwash, gargled as quickly as possible, and spit it back into the sink.

I splashed some water on my face, and that would be my shower for the day.  I laughed at myself.  I probably smelled so fucking bad -- and I didn't even care.

I wasn't even sure if I was here alone, or if someone was downstairs.  They all felt as though I needed a babysitter and in many ways, I did.  I'd much rather fucking cry on someone’s shoulders than all alone.  But sometimes, when you’re crying like that, you just feel so God damned childish.

I opened the cabinet, eyeing the razor for a moment, imagining my fresh blood running down it for a split second.  I thought about not being on this earth anymore, and finally being able to lay to rest.  I imagined seeing Elle's face waiting to greet me, with Debs standing right beside her, her hands placed on Elle's shoulders. I grabbed it, and let my fingers run across it quickly, then placed the blade over my right wrist.  I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and...

"Jesus Christ!" I shouted, dropping the razor as Kevin came bursting in the door.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing!" I nearly shouted.

"Bullshit, you just tried to kill yourself."

"I wasn't gonna fucking do anything, Kev.  Jesus," I muttered, bending over to grab the razor off of the floor and placed it back on the shelf in the cabinet.

"AJ, all I'll tell you is this... if you kill yourself, you will not see your daughter again, or your wife or your grandparents.  You got that?  That's something I truly believe. Suicide is a sin. I love you. Everybody that's left on this God damned earth loves you!  I can't handle you dying right now."

I just sighed, "Kevin, you have to understand.  I don't want to be on the earth anymore."

"I understand!  I wouldn't want to be here either, quite honestly.  But life is fucking life, and it sucks.  And when it's your day to die -- then that's your day to die.  Please, don't do this!"

"Kev, I - I wasn't gonna really do anything.  You know that, right?"

Kevin looked at me for a moment, staring into my eyes, as if he was trying to search for some deep, dark secret of mine.

"No," he shook his head, "No, I don't know.  Your daughter just died, Aje.  That's over the top.  That's way more than you can handle.  And I'm worried."

My tense shoulders fell, and I began walking out of the bathroom to take a seat on the edge of my bed.  Kevin turned the bathroom lights off on his way out and sat next to me.

"Kev-," I cried out, my voice cracking slightly, "I fucked up last night."

He didn't respond like I thought he would, though.  He didn't blow up on me, or lecture me, and I couldn't see red in his eyes like I had in the past.  He simply leaned in to grasp me into a hug, putting his arms softly, yet strong at the same time, around me.

"It's alright."

In a way, I needed him to yell at me.  I wanted him to tell me I fucked up, and I was a horrible person and that I should be dead.

"Kevin, please... just fucking yell at me," I said aloud, through my tears, "Tell me again.  Tell me I'm dead to you.  Punch me.  Kick me in the nuts.  Fucking do something."

Kevin shook his head, "No, you’re not dead to me. You’re anything but dead.  You’re the best man I've probably ever met in my life.  It just took me a while to realize it."

Kevin let a small grin escape from his lips, but I just shook my head.  It felt good to hear him say that, it really did... but I didn't believe it.  I hated myself, and I couldn't stand the person that I had become and everything my life had amounted to.  The only thing I was proud of was my little girl, and now she was gone.

She was gone, I repeated in my head.

My heart was racing, but my mind was slowing down.  It was like a constant battle between the two, like a pendulum constantly swinging back and forth.  The only problem was, I needed the pendulum to hang plumb, situated right in the middle.  But instead, my mind was going in a million different directions.

Kevin patted my back, "We're going to breakfast."

"What?" I questioned, coming out of my thoughts.

"I'm taking you to God damn breakfast, and we're getting out of this house," he told me, matter-of-factly.

I just shrugged, "Kev, I'm tired.  I'm hung over.  I'm depressed.  I wanna just stay here."

I stared down at the ground, moved my toes around on the carpet and sighed, "Fuck, man, alright.  But let me sleep for at least another hour.  It's fucking 5 in the morning."

"Alright, get some sleep."

I rolled over and opened my eyes, hoping I had actually fallen asleep for a little while.  The sheets were completely twisted around my legs, and all my pillows were now lying on the floor next to me.  The sheet, which usually fit onto my bed, was all tangled and pulled from the corners of the mattress.

I reached over, searching for my cigarettes, and grabbed one from the pack.  I quickly lit up, and inhaled a few times, before putting it out quickly in the ashtray.  Then I saw two Aspirin pills sitting on my night stand, with a glass of water.  Kevin must've come in here.  I wonder how long I've been out.

I flipped open my cell phone and it read 9:56am.  Thank God.  At least I got a few more hours of sleep.

I popped the two pills, followed by a few gulps of water.  That probably wouldn't even help me, I thought and hopped out of the bed.

I quickly threw on a shirt and some pants, not even bothering to look at myself in the mirror.  I don't feel like barfing anymore, and looking at me probably wouldn't help.

I was about to walk downstairs, but my eyes roamed to her door.  Oh, man, how amazing would that be if she was fast asleep in her room?  I sighed, and turned the doorknob uneasily with shaking hands, closing my eyes as the door opened. Her bed was still un-made from the last night that she slept in it, there were toys scattered all over the floor, and the television was still on showing some show on Nickelodeon.

I traced my hands along all of her books, which had been neatly placed on her shelf, and then opened up her drawers.  I took out one of her folded pink shirts, smelling it... hoping I would have something, anything left of her.  I started to cry again; I just missed her so much.  I couldn't take this anymore.

The memories began to flicker in a dazed whirl.  I can still see Elle, her back against the wall, playing her My Little Pony video games.  She'd turn her little head to pause the game and look up at me with those beautiful, bright brown eyes.

"Hi, daddy.  Wanna play?"

Fuck!  I crumpled the shirt up into a ball, and threw it with all of my might across the room.  "Fuck!" I screamed aloud this time, "How could you take her?!"

Kevin came in, but he just stood there and sighed, looking at me.  He knew there was nothing to do for me.

Once again, that rotten pit in my stomach arrived so painful and so gruesome that I felt as though I could vomit more.  Suddenly, I dropped to my knees, and curled weakly into a ball.

"AJ, let's just stay here...," I hear Kevin's voice say, in nearly a whisper.

I just nodded, leaning my head onto my knees, and tightly wrapped my arms around them just to stay in place on the floor.

Kevin's define jaw structure was clearly visible, though the room was dark and dreary and his green eyes burned so fiercely into mine.  He wished he could help me, I knew it and I could feel it.

"Kevin?" I lifted my head for a moment, to look at him.

"Yeah?"

I don't know what I wanted to say.  I didn't really have anything to say.  I just felt like saying something to break the silence.

"I don't know...," I began to slowly lift myself off of the ground, and he offered his hand for me to grip onto for support.

"Aje?" he asked.

I just looked at him, waiting for him to say something.

"I know you don't want to deal with this, but... everyone's been asking me and, well, are you, you know - are you gonna sue the pool?"

I sucked in a big gulp of air, unsure of what to answer that question with.

"Fuck," I simply muttered, "I don't know.  It seems so pointless - I don't need the money.  I don't want the publicity.  But I don't want them to get away with this shit."

Kevin nodded, understanding.

"I talked to your lawyer.  He called.  First, he wanted to see how you were.  And then he asked if you were gonna sue."

"Fuckin' scum bag," I grunted under my breath, "He doesn't care about how I'm doin', he just wants a fucking paycheck.  For my fucking dead daughter!"

Kevin sighed, and his head fell.  The smallest things just set me off.  Is that all people in this world care about?!  I had a daughter, I had a family, and they're all dead!  They're gone forever, and all these people cared about was money.

"I know," he said in a slight whisper, "We'll use somebody else if you want to sue.  Okay?"

I nodded.

"Honestly, I don't want to think about it right now," I shook my head in disgust.

"That's fine," Kevin's soothing voice told, "I just wanted to mention it."

“Where’s my mom?” I had no idea where she had been.

“She’ll be back… she flew home.  She had her own breakdown yesterday, and didn’t want you to see her like that.”

“What?!” I instantly became worried, “She could’ve came to me!”

“AJ, I don’t think you would’ve wanted to see her like that.  I took care of it, okay? Don’t worry about it.”

I nodded.

"Let's get out of here...," I closed Elle's door behind me.

I squinted as the bright, morning sun that washed over me.  I had a cigarette rested in between my lips, but it wasn't lit.  I just liked to know it was there just in case.  I leaned against the banister on the front porch, staring off into the distance, looking out at the blue sky.  I think it was the first nice day we've had since Elle died... it was warm for this time of year, but there was still a nice breeze.

"Man, oh, man.  What am I gonna do without you?" I muttered to myself, shaking my head in disbelief.

It would never be real that she was gone.  I needed answers.  I always wanted answers that I couldn't have.  I placed the cigarette back into the pack.  I didn't want to smoke right now, for the first time in a long time.

I took one last glance at the huge, empty sky and made my way back into the house.  Along the way, I passed various pictures that had been hung on the wall from many different times in my life.  I had to laugh at the one where my hair was died black and blue and sticking out in every direction possible. I would give anything to go back to that year when everything was so much simpler, although I made it out to be much more complicated than it truly was.

There were also many photographs of my mom and me.  Deb had hung all those up only months before she passed away.  After Deb died, I added a few pictures of us from our wedding and honeymoon.

Then, I ran my fingers along the photos of me and my baby, brushing off the dust that covered them.  It was almost a timeline that Deb had set up, with me in the hospital holding her so tightly wrapped in a tiny pink blanket and a big smile plastered on my face.  Then, directly next to it was a picture of us at her first birthday party, both with birthday hats on our heads blowing out the candles on her cake.

I could feel the cool tears weaving their way down my cheeks as I stared into her beautiful eyes.  All I could do was lean in, and kiss the cold glass that covered her picture.

"I love you, sweetie."

My fists were tightly clenched in anger, as I stared at the creature looking back at me in the mirror. An outpour of hatred seemed to glide out of me. I hated myself for what I'd done, and I was fully determined that I was just a bad person, and that I should have no happiness; I deserved what I got. Every bit of heartbreak I've received was deserved.

I heard a soft knock on the door, followed by a voice just as light, "Aje?"

"Yea-," I attempted to say, but cleared my throat to make myself louder, "Yeah?"

"You okay?" It was Brian.

"Fine," I replied back, dryly.

"Can I come in?"

I slightly laughed, "You wanna come in the bathroom with me?"

"AJ, come on... not like that, dude," he chuckled lightheartedly, "You know what I mean."

I just shook my head and unlocked the door, "Yeah, I guess."

"What are you doing?" he asked me, that look of concern that was now constantly written on his face.

"Well, I was going to shave this nasty beard off, make myself look beautiful again," I just laughed in a sarcastic tone, "... but then I couldn't stop staring at my face and realizing what a piece of shit I am."

"Why do you say that?"

As if he didn't know.

"Come on, Bri... I've always been a fuck-up."

He simply sighed, "You are not. You're a -"

"I fucked Diana last night," I bluntly stated, cutting him off from his sentence.

Brian looked at me dumbfounded for words, unsure of what to do or say. The blank expression on his face was enough for me, and it was all I had expected out of him. I wasn't even going to tell him, of all people. Maybe Nick or Howie, hell… even Kevin but not Brian.

"Why was she... over your house?" was all he spit out.

"I called her. I couldn't stand being alone."

"Why didn't you call one of us?" he asked me.

"Well, honestly, Bri... your a good looking dude but I'm not attracted to you in that way," I laughed, but I don't even think Brian heard what I had said.

"Dude, I was kidding," I cracked a smile somehow.

"Why would you do that?" Brian asked, shaking his head at me as if he was disappointed in me.

"Because I wanted a fuck partner!" I shouted out, irritated that he would even care. And also pissed off at myself for even blurting out to Brian what I had done last night.

"I haven't...," I shook my head and laughed in a denial state of mind, "Jesus, I can't believe I'm talking to you about this. I haven't been touched since my wife died. I haven't done anything since she died, because I loved her too God damn much and I couldn't get myself to cheat on her, whether she was dead or not. You have to understand, Bri. There was nobody else that I wanted last night but Diana! I almost feel like I owe her something since I screwed her over so bad all those years ago... I know she's still in love with me. You know how many drunken calls I've gotten over the years that I hid from Deb, from her telling me how much she loved me?"

"I just never understood why you always seem to make things harder on yourself than they have to be. Do you want me to feel bad for you? Is that was this is about?" Brian snapped like I had never heard him snap before.

The only question was... do I yell back? I wanted to.

"No," I said in a tone a little above a whisper, "No, it's not, Bri and I can't believe you would think that. It's 'cause you’re like my brother, you know? I thought that maybe, just maybe, you would sort of understand. Whatever, just leave."

I pointed to the door, but Brian was quick to apologize, "Bone, I'm-I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"I know you didn't," I just nodded my head, "Leave."

"AJ... come on," he nearly was pleading for my forgiveness.

"I'm fucking sick of you acting like your so fucking perfect!" It was my turn to snap, "Mr. high-and-mighty Brian Littrell, son of God for Christ's sake. I'm sorry that I forgot you can't make any mistakes because God loves you so much more than everybody else! And God gives the perfect little life and the perfect little... everything."

"You’re wrong about that, AJ!" Brian scowled, "My life is not perfect, and I never claimed it to be! At least I didn't screw up my whole life. Maybe that's why God's been 'nicer' to me, because I actually had a goal in life and a plan. You’re an alcoholic, and you always will be!"

This time my jaw dropped, and I was completely at a loss for words. To hear Brian say those words to me hurt so much, I could nearly feel my heart dropping out of place right now. Brian's expression was not much different than mine.

"AJ, shit, I didn't mean it," Brian scrambled for words, and that was the first time in a while I had heard Brian say 'shit.'

You’re an alcoholic and you always will be.

"I know I am," I mumbled under my breath.

"What?"

"I'm an alcoholic, your absolutely right. For 7 years, I never touched a drink. I came close a few times -- but I never did. But I wanted to so bad. And then when Elle died, I did it. I fucking got drunk. I couldn't handle it. After 7 years, you'd think I would've been able to resist. But nope! Not me. 'Cause I'm the fucking drunk AJ McLean!"

I was just rambling on, with no idea where I was headed or what I was trying to say.

"I didn't mean it!" Brian shouted out loud, causing me to stop in mid-sentence. For a few moments, we just sat in silence, unsure of what to say. I was waiting for an explanation from him.

"Go ahead, defend yourself!" I demanded.

He sighed, "I just got mad. I'm sorry."

"That's it?"

"Well you didn't exactly say the nicest things to me, either! I'm so sick of you always feeling like you can take your anger out on me, and expect nothing but nice in return. It usually doesn't work that way! But since everything has happened with you, I always felt like I had to be nice to you, whether you were right or wrong. I've dealt with so much...," he struggled for a word, "verbal abuse from you over the years. It's getting ridiculous! You’re too stubborn to ever listen to what anyone else has to say!"

I swallowed hard, nodding at each word he said. Maybe he was right.

"I'm-," I never did this. I never apologized when I felt I was right. "I'm sorry."

Brian sighed, "I am too."

"I guess... I mean, I didn't mean what I said, you know?"

We sounded like fuckin' little kids right now.

"I know. I didn't, either. I was just trying to say something that would really hurt you," he shook his head, "I'm an asshole."

"That was your second curse word of the day. I'm proud of you," I nodded in approval.

Brian just smiled, "Well, I was an asshole. But so were you."

"That's third curse word of the day...," I quirked, "Your right, though."

"I always am," Brian joked.

"Bri, I really am sorry. I never even realized how much of a dick I've been... you know? I'm sorry. I know I've put you guys through a lot of shit, but don't ever think for a minute that it doesn't kill me inside. I just have so much stuff in my head, and I'm so messed up. I don't even think about everyone else's feelings."

"I know that, AJ. And I try to remember that, too. I put myself in your place, and I'd probably be the same way. Why do you think I always look out for you?"

I nodded, "Yeah, I know."

"Look... do you want to go get a coffee or something? There's that little diner up the street, we can get somethin' to eat," Brian shrugged, throwing out ideas.

"Yeah, that's fine."

The smell of bacon creped into my nostrils as we entered the tiny diner and my stomach immediately began to growl. I swung the door open, allowing Brian to walk in first, and let it close behind me. A tiny bell that was attached at the top of the door jingled, signaling there were new customers.

A petite, older woman with glasses rested on her nose came over with two menus in hand, "Follow me, please."

We did so and followed her to the booth in the corner, positioned directly next to the window.

"Enjoy," she smiled, and Brian flashed one back.

I scooted in, making myself comfortable and Brian took a seat on the bench across from me. I leaned over, digging into my pocket searching for my pack of cigarettes. I managed to fit my keys, my cigarettes and my lighter into one pocket, so of course before finding what I needed I had to empty out everything else.

I placed an unlit cigarette between my lips, letting it rest there until I stuck my keys back into my pocket. Grabbing my lighter from the table, I lifted my eyebrows motioning to Brian and nodded my head a bit to somehow ask for approval, "Do you mind?" I mumbled.

He shook his head, 'no' and I continued with lighting the cigarette. I took in the first puff, taking in as much as I could, and turned my head away from Brian to exhale.

"I was quitting, you know?" I held the cigarette between my index and middle finger, "I never smoked around Elle."

"I know," Brian nodded and he slightly chuckled, "I don't care, Bone. I'm not going to lecture you on your smoking or anything. I understand."

I nodded, and I saw the waitress make her way over to our table, pulling out her pad of paper to take our order.

"How are you all today?" she asked, "May I get you something to drink?"

"Coffee for me, please," I smiled, "cream and sugar."

"I'll do the same," Brian replied, "And I think we're ready to order."

Brian looked across at me, making sure I was ready and I nodded.

"Okay what will it be?" she asked.

"I'll get scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon with a side of sausage," I told her, looking over the menu once again for reassurance.

"I'll just get pancakes, stack of three," Brian smiled, handing her his menu.

"Alright, thanks guys. Should be right up."

I looked over to my left, and saw three of their younger waitresses whispering behind the bar in the corner. As soon as they made eye contact with me, they separated and got back to work. I wondered if they simply recognized us, or if they knew what had happened. I honestly hadn't been keeping track of how much this was in the news, or if it even was. Kevin had said I had received loads of fan mail, but I didn't have the strength to read them.

My eye now caught an older man outside, who was walking in the diner holding a little girl's hand as her hair bobbed up and down in pigtails. Her smile was infectious, and the father looked equally as happy. I shook my head to myself, and wanted to cry inside. That used to be me. She was everywhere with me. How could this happen?

Brian noticed what I was looking at, and quickly tried to direct me to something new, "Hey, let's play some Keno..."

I looked up at the TV screen, showing the lottery-like numbers pop up and showing a winner. I shrugged, "Nah, I don't like gambling too much anymore."

"Let's just play," Brian grabbed the sheet to fill out a few numbers, but I shook my head and said, "Count me out, Bri. I just don't want to play."

Brian gave a reassuring smile and put the sheet back.

"I'm sorry, man," I sighed, taking a final drag of my cigarette and flicking it into the ashtray, "Maybe this was a bad idea."

"We can leave. I can get the check-"

"No, no, we'll eat," I argued, "I'm fine."

I was having one of my anxiety attacks, and the craving for my daily dosage of Xanax was coming full speed. So I felt around my other pockets, hoping I had placed a few of my pills in there but I don't think I had.

"What?" Brian cocked his eyebrow, looking at me curiously.

"Fuck," I mumbled under my breath, still rummaging through every pocket, "I don't have my fucking Xanax."

"Is it in the car?"

"No. I didn't bring it, God damn it," I kept complaining aloud.

The waitress walked over with two plates full of food, "Here's for you, sir." She placed a plate with eggs, bacon and sausage in front of me, and I had completely lost my appetite by now.

"Thanks," I muttered, and it probably came out rudely.

Then I saw her place Brian's food in front of him, but before she walked away he grabbed her attention and asked for the check as soon as possible.

"Brian, I'm fine," I snapped, rolling my eyes, "Let's just... eat."

I basically began two fisting my food, shoving bite after bite of unwanted food into my mouth. The rest of the breakfast became silent. I think that Brian had become scared of me lately. Hell, I wouldn't blame him and in all honesty, I'm a little scared of myself.

For a few seconds, I could sense that Brian was looking at me, not knowing what to do or say. Then he slowly put his fork to his plate, and began eating his own food in silence. The waitress walked by, dropping the check off before she went to the next table and I quickly grabbed a few bills out of my wallet and laid them on the table.

"I'll give the tip," Brian went searching for his own wallet but I snapped again, "I got it, Bri."

He sort of backed away, and he knew not to fuck with me. I had been such an asshole to him all day and I didn't even care. What the hell is my problem?

"I'm sorry. I just... I need my Xanax," I was digging deep for excuses, and couldn't find any other besides that.

I put my head in my hands, trying to get my brain to cooperate with me but it just wasn't working.

"I just, I... I got to go home," I sighed.

Chapter 9

“I don’t want to be here…,” I shook my head repeatedly. “I want to leave.”

“AJ. We’re already here. Please… just talk a little bit? It may help you. You never know.” Kevin shrugged.

“I really don’t-“

“Alex McLean,” I was interrupted when I heard my name called from across the room, and saw a young receptionist carrying a clipboard, scanning the room for an Alex McLean.

For a second, I thought maybe I’ll just walk away right now, and she’ll never know.

“Right here,” Kevin lifted his hand so the girl could see who and she smiled in approval, marking something down on her paper.

“Right this way…”

Kevin patted my back, and I had no other choice than to follow the girl into the room.

The room was small and it had two leather sofas facing a small wooden desk, and behind it was a woman no older than 40 with a pair of glasses resting on her nose.

“Hello,” she smiled widely and stuck her hand out, “I’m Anna, and you must be Alex, correct?”

I hated being treated like a fucking kid.

“AJ. My names AJ.”

So I was being a dick? Oh well. I didn’t want to be here. I took a seat in the plush lounge chair, and lazily sunk into it.

“Okay, AJ. How are you?”

“Well… I’m sitting here in your office, so I guess people think I’m not doing too well.”

“But how do you think your doing?” she threw back at me, giving me another smile.

“I think I’m doing pretty shitty. I just lost my kid.”

“Yes,” she gave me a sympathetic look, “I read that in your profile. I’m sorry.”

‘I read that in your profile.’ I laughed to myself. She’s going to give me great advice.

“Look, I’m just here to tell you up front that I’m not looking to hear any bullshit about how and when and why I need to ‘get over this’ and ‘it will get better’ or any of that ‘day by day’ shit because I already know about loss. And I’ve never needed anyone to tell me how to deal with it, alright? I just… do it on my own. I have experience with losing important people in my life. All I truly want, and the only reason I even came here and got out of bed this morning was because I ran of sleeping pills and it would be really great if you could lend me some.”

“Sir, I really can’t do that. I must have a session with you first.”

I thought about it for a minute, and dug deep in my brain to find a smart ass remark to reply back with.

“Well, didn’t we just have one?”

She just looked at me, “Alright. If that’s what you want.”

“It is,” I nodded.

She pulled out her prescription pad from her desk drawer and scribbled some stuff on there, ripped it off the pad and handed it to me.

“I’ll see you next week.”

I faked a smile as best as I could, shook her hand, and quickly walked out to find Kevin still sitting in the same chair waiting, and flipping through an issue of some magazine.

His eyes roamed from the magazine to my face, and it was sort of like he gave me this huge look of disappointment, but at the same time it was comforting. It was hard to explain, but I wasn’t so sure myself.

“You’re done already? What’d you do… cuss her out or something?”

“No, actually I didn’t. I was very polite,” I took the prescription she had given me and waved it in his face, “See?”

He just shook his head, “Well, did you get anything out of it?”

“Yeah, sleeping pills,” I shrugged.

He simply gave me the evil eye. He was apparently looking for a different answer.

“Look, I’m just not ready to talk, okay?” I looked at him.

He didn’t argue with me, which I was glad for. I had done enough of that with Brian the other day, and I sure as hell didn’t need Kevin jumping down my throat either.

And without saying another word, we both quietly and quickly walked out of the offices.

My bedroom door was cracked open, a hint of light was seeping through and I was supposed to be sleeping right now. I opened my eyes and simply stared at the darkness that pervaded the space around me. I was expecting to see something, but nothing.

I could hear hushed voices coming from around the corner, and then I saw Brian’s head pop in but I guess he couldn’t tell that my eyes were really open.

“I’m worried, Kev. That’s all,” his whispered tone echoed through the hall.

“You have to be less hard on him, though. Arguing with him is not going to help anything, you know?”

So Kevin was defending me.

I could hear Brian sigh and still in a little less than a whisper reply, “I know. I didn’t mean to. You know how he gets… and I guess I just blew up.”

“I know, Bri. Believe me, I know.”

Then I could hear them both continue walking down the hall, leaving me to my loneliness. I wondered what Elle was doing right now. Is she happy? I wondered if she’s playing, or maybe she was flying right now.

Everybody has this perspective of Heaven being this amazing place where angels have wings and fly around and are happy for eternity but what if it wasn’t like that? What if Elle wanted to be back here with me? Every time it rained, all I could picture was Elle’s face when she got hurt with tears pouring down her cheeks. Was she okay without her daddy?

I groaned and rolled over, attempting to fall back asleep. It seemed impossible at this point. I had way too many thoughts running through my brain right now. So I continued to lie there, staring at the ceiling, awaiting the morning sun.