What is love?

I know, this may sound rather ridiculous coming from a stuffed bear that is less than a foot tall, but I wanted to know.  There have been far too many times where I have seen some of my furry friends stuck holding hearts that say “I Love You!” on them.  Those hearts seem to show up most often during the winter season—another thing that I wonder about but that is a whole different story.  Anyway, humans seem to gain some perverse sort of joy out of saying they love someone or giving my friends to people they “love”.  I wanted to know what this “love” was that everyone spoke of and celebrated by humiliating my fellow stuffed bears into holding big, red hearts.

I decided to conduct an experiment to find out what this love thing was.  Little did I know that my interviews would cause such commotion for the humans I was living with at the time.

***

“What is love?”

The hands holding me tightened for a moment as shocked blue eyes stared back at me.  For a moment, I wondered if the human had instantaneously frozen.  When he shook his head in disbelief, I decided he was still alive.

I tried again.  “What. Is. Love?”

“Oh, no.  I have got to be dreaming.” The face staring into mine frowned at me as though the human it belonged to could not understand that I was speaking.  Perhaps, he didn’t understand me.

“You speak English, don’t you?”

“This is so not happening to me.”

“Brian?” Another human walked into the room.  This one wore glasses and was covered with tattoos and had rather bad fashion taste in clothing.  “What’s wrong?”

The human, Brian, shook me.  “This bear! I swear, AJ, he’s talking to me!”

The tattooed one burst into laughter.  “Yeah, right.  That’s real funny, Brian.  A talking teddy bear.”

“No, seriously.  It keeps asking me what love is.”

“Brian.” The tattooed one stopped laughing and now appeared concerned for his friend.  “Have you been sleeping okay? I mean, I know you miss Leigh and Baylee, but, dude, if something’s wrong-”

“Nothing is wrong with me!”

I was shaken once more and vaguely wondered if I’d go flying across the room the next time.  Don’t get me wrong, I won’t die if I hit the opposite wall or anything, but it still hurts like hell when my cute little button nose smacks against any hard surface.  Then, of course, there’s the drop from the wall to the floor.

Gravity is hell on stuffed bears.

“Brian.” AJ’s voice was now cautious.  “Why don’t you go take a nap? We’ve still got almost two hours before soundcheck.”

“AJ! I’m fine! I don’t need a nap. I need to know why the hell this bear is talking to me!”

All of a sudden, I found myself looking into Brian’s confused blue eyes again.  I knew he thought he was going crazy because a stuffed bear was actually talking to him, so I tried to reassure him that he wasn’t losing his sanity.

“I am really speaking to you.  This is not a figment of your imagination.”

Brian’s jaw dropped…and so did I.

From where I lay on the cold, hard floor, I could see both AJ and Brian hover over me with worried looks on their faces.

“Dude, you weren’t kidding.” The tattooed one sounded scared.  “It can’t be one of those bears that you squeeze and it talks because that thing talked to you.  Like, specifically.”

Brian smacked AJ’s arm.  “Duh.  I knew that! What the heck are we supposed to do with a talking bear? I didn’t even know bears could talk.”

“We talk all the time,” I piped up from my supine position.  “We don’t often talk to humans, but we talk to each other all the time.”

Brian’s eyebrows vanished beneath his hair.  “Holy crap! I need to burn every last bear that Baylee has.”

“This is unbelievable!” AJ muttered some words that sounded suspiciously impolite and ones that I would never repeat in a million years.  “Okay, Brian.  We are going to step away from the bear…slowly.  One step…then two.”

The two humans began to back out of the room, and there I was, still lying there like I’m an inanimate object or something.

Okay, so maybe I am.  So what?

“Don’t leave me here!” I called out.  “Please! I just want to know what love is.  That’s all.  Once you tell me, I’ll go back to being the cute, non-talking bear that you all know and love.”

Those two were out of the room so fast, and all I could hear was pounding feet echoing down the hallway.

There I lay, alone and stuck, on the hard floor of some room in some building…somewhere.  My experiment had surely hit a roadblock, and I was, ha ha, down for the count.

Five minutes passed, then ten…then twenty.  Somebody, I told myself.  Surely, somebody was bound to come in and pick me up.

“Hey, little guy.  What are you doing on the floor?” A pair of hands reached down to pick me up, and I found myself looking into a pair of very kind brown eyes.  This human dusted my backside off, and I very much appreciated it.

“Thank you.”

Now, those kind eyes looked startled.  The smile on his face turned into a frown.  “What on earth?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Are you…Are you actually talking to me?!” He squeezed his eyes shut.  “No, Howie, the bear is not talking.  This is real life, not a Disney movie.  Teddy bears do not talk in real life.”

I assumed, as there was no one else around, he was talking to himself.  “Howie,” I began, “I do not know what Disney is, but I assure you, we bears speak all of the time.  Now, if you don’t mind, could you answer my question?”

Howie was much nicer than those two other humans.  He still had that frightened look on his face, but he gently set me down on the table, as though I was a bomb that would go off if he dropped me or something.  “I can’t believe this is happening.  A talking bear.” He slowly sat down and kept staring at me as though my head would explode.  Humans are so odd.  “Maybe the gingko biloba is finally screwing up my brain.”

“Listen, Mr. Howie.  You are not hallucinating, I really am speaking.”

“Why do you have a British accent?”

If I was able to move, I probably would have shrugged.  “Because that is where I come from.  Honestly, you humans are given too much credit.  I thought you’d be more intelligent than this, but you just cannot comprehend something the first time around, can you?”

He looked taken aback at this.  “Uh, I’m sorry?” He rubbed his fingers over his eyes.  “I just can’t believe I’m talking to a teddy bear, for Pete’s sake.”

“Oh, honestly.” Now I was frustrated.  “I have no idea who Pete is, but it shouldn’t take you this long to figure out that my ability to speak is not your imagination.  And, another thing.  I am not a teddy bear.  I am simply a stuffed bear.  I’m British, not American.  My fellow bears, who are American, are teddy bears.  After all, “teddy” comes from one of your former Presidents, you know.”

Howie’s brows lifted.  “Uh, yeah.  I think I remember reading that in, uh, high school.”

“There you go.  So, I am a stuffed bear, not a teddy bear.”

“Riiight.  So, uh, listen, I have to go.  So, um, bye!”

I think Howie’s poor brain could handle it no longer because, the next thing I knew, he was up and out of that room instantly.  Well, he’d lasted longer than his friends had.  I wondered who the next person would be to talk to me.

I didn’t have to wait very long at all before a young, blond man wandered into the room and plopped himself, contentedly, onto a couch.  He was playing with some sort of metal object and appeared engrossed in it.  Obviously, it would be up to me to get him to notice me.

“Pardon me, young man.”

He looked up and around the room, confused.  “Huh? I could’ve sworn…”

“Over here.” Seriously, I wished I could move an arm to wave.

Finally, his gaze settled on me and, cautiously, he came over and picked me up.  “Did you just talk to me?”

“Why, yes, I did.”

“Oh, okay.” He shrugged and set me back down.  Then, he sat in one of the chairs at the table.  “So, you talk? Is this like some special electronic trick?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.  I talk like any other stuffed animal out there.”

He frowned a little.  “Sure, little guy.  Whatever you say.  Do you have a name?”

“Bear.”

“That’s it? For a talking bear, you sure got jipped on the fancy name part.” He scratched his chin as he looked contemplative.  “I think I’ll name you…hmm…Mr. Bear.  What do you think?”

I thought he was as moronic as the other three men I’d encountered.  Honestly, as though adding a Mr. before my name made me sound fancier.  I seriously worry about this man’s upbringing.  But, to make him feel better about himself, I agreed.  “That’s very nice.  What, may I ask, is your name?”

“Nick.” He shook my arm.  “Nice to meet you, Mr. Bear.”

“Right.  Well, Nick.  Perhaps you could help me with a dilemma I’ve been having.”

His brows scrunched together.  “Teddy bears have dilemmas? That is so weird.”

“Humans have brains? That is so weird to me.”

“Hey!” He sounded insulted.  “That wasn’t very nice.”

“Well, neither was what you said.  I, too, have feelings.  Just because I’m made of synthetic fibers and stuffed with cotton does not mean I have no emotions.  Perhaps you could respect that.”

Nick nodded slowly.  “Oh, okay.  Yeah, sure.  So, you have a dilemma?”

“Yes.  I want to know what love is.”

“That’s it?” He certainly sounded incredulous at that moment.

“Well, it’s a concern I’ve had for quite some time.  I would appreciate your help greatly.”

He shrugged and slouched a bit in the chair.  “Okay, I can help you.  So, you want to know what love is? Love is when you really care about someone and like being around them.  It could be your friends, family, or someone special.” He looked at me with a funny expression.  “Did you understand that?”

“I’m a stuffed bear, not an imbecile,” I snapped.

Nick held up his hands.  “Whoa, buddy.  You don’t have to yell at me.”

“Sorry,” I huffed impatiently.  “Don’t insult my intelligence again.”

He gave me that funny look again.  “Sure. Okay.  So, any other questions?”

“Yes.  Do you love someone?”

“Yeah, of course.  I love my brothers and sisters, my friends, especially AJ, Howie, and Brian.  Hey, maybe you met them!”

I should’ve known he’d be friends with those three.  “Yes, I did.  They were rather rude and did not stop to answer my questions like you did.”

He patted my head. Ugh.  “Aww, I’m sure they didn’t mean anything mean by it.”

Before I could respond, there was a sound from the other side of the room, and Nick turned to see what it was.  For a second, he smiled, but then he frowned.

“What’s wrong, guys?”

There was scuffling and whispering.  Then, “Nick, what the hell are you doing talking to that thing?”

“Shh, you’ll hurt his feelings.”

“Nick! He’s not real.”

Nick frowned.  “Oh, come on, guys.  He’s a talking bear.  He’s not like Chuckie or something.” He glanced over at me.  “You wouldn’t stab me, would you?”

“Of course, not.  Why would I want to get blood all over my lovely white fur?” I replied, innocently.

“Oh. Right. Good.” Nick nodded then looked over at his friends again.  “See? He’s fine.”

“Oh, Nick.”

“What? I think it’s kinda cool.” His face lit up suddenly.  “I have the best idea, guys!”

There was a chorus of groans before one of them ventured to ask, “What’s your idea?” in a fearful tone.

“Let’s send Mr. Bear to Kevin!”

“What?! No way.  Mason should never be subjected to that thing.”

Nick shook his head. “No, not Mason.  For Kevin.  He’d get a kick out of it.”

“More like he’d kick your ass,” one of them grumbled.  I was currently failing at following their conversation, so I simply sat like the inanimate, friendly stuffed bear I was supposed to be.

“Seriously, guys.  Can you imagine what he’d say when he opened the package and hears this little guy talk to him? He’ll love it!”

There was silence for several moments. Then, “I don’t think he’ll love it. I think his reaction will be…interesting.”

“See? Howie’s on my side!” Nick moved out of my line of sight, and I couldn’t exactly turn my head to see where he was going.

There was a lot of whispering, giggling, and grumbling that followed.  And, then, there was a lot of commotion and moving and new places and, finally, I was shut up in the dark…again.

When I was finally let out of the dark, the first thing I saw was another human face.  This one had green eyes and dark hair and, oh my, really worrisome eyebrows that I mistook for insects for a brief moment.  I assumed this was the famous Kevin.

“Kris, the guys sent us another teddy bear for Mason.  His nursery’s like a frigging zoo.”

“I am not a teddy bear,” I informed him.  “I am a stuffed bear.”

Nick and his friends were right.  Kevin’s expression was certainly interesting.