The moonlight streamed through the sliver of space between the curtains.  It cut across the room, over the cherry wood furniture, the immaculate beige carpet, and lay on the bed.  It shone directly into her eyes, and, no matter how she turned and tried to shift away from it, it seemed to follow her.  Perhaps, she thought, it knew that she was thinking dark thoughts, dangerous ones.  Ones that she had no right thinking, and ones that she had even less of a right to keep hidden from one person.  The one person who had come to mean the world to her, and who would most definitely be hurt by her line of thought.

When the light became too much to bear, she sighed and turned over to see her husband’s back.  It was a strong back, she mused, able to carry so many burdens and do so much work.  It was sturdy, reliable, and beautiful, just like the man.  She hated to do this but knew that not telling the truth would be worse.

“Brian?”

He didn’t stir, so she tried again.  “Brian? Honey?”

He shifted a little and muttered garbled words in his sleep.  She had to smile because he was just too cute. He really didn’t deserve what she was going to tell him.  His exhaustion after the extensive world tour was palpable.  When he’d come home two days before at the end of the tour, he’d been unable to do much more than fall into bed.  She really shouldn’t bother him now, she told herself.  It wasn’t fair.

“Brian, I have something important to ask you.  Please.”

It wasn’t fair to keep it from him, she decided.  It had been gnawing away at her for nearly a year, and she wasn’t sure she could keep it a secret from the man who she’d always considered her best friend.

Finally, he shifted and turned to face her, his blue eyes just two slits.  “Baby, can’t it wait until morning?”

“It’s important, Brian,” she murmured.  “You know I wouldn’t wake you up if it wasn’t.”

His eyes opened a little more, and worry began to creep into them.  “Is something wrong? Do you feel sick?”

“No.” She brushed her fingers over her cheek.  He was so sweet, always concerned with her welfare, her wishes.  “It’s not that, it’s…something else.”

“Well, can you just tell me, so that I can get back to sleep?” He tried to bury his face in his pillow again.  “I am so tired.”

Her eyes suddenly filled with tears, and, as a result, her voice was shaky.  “Brian, I think something’s wrong.”

He looked over at her, his expression worried again.  “With what?”

“Us.”

Brian frowned now and shifted into a sitting position.  “What? What are you talking about?”

She swallowed hard, knowing that, once the words were said, there was no going back.  “Brian, I’d like for us to be separated.”

“Is there someone else?” Brian sat in a chair in the brightly lit kitchen and watched Leighanne pace the ceramic-tiled floor. “Did you meet someone else?”

She stopped in mid-step and turned to face him. The look in her eyes was so sad. “Oh, Brian. There’s no one else. It’s just you. It’s been only you for over ten years.”

“Then what is it? If it’s not someone else and it’s not me, then what is it?” He was trying really hard to stay calm, even though it felt as though the world was crumbling away beneath his feet. “What could possibly make you want us to be apart? Did you fall out of love with me?”

Leighanne sighed and sat across from him at their kitchen table. “I don’t know if I’d say that because I’ll always love you, but I just feel like, lately, we’ve lost that…something special.”

“What?”

“I know, it sounds crazy, but I just don’t feel that magic we had for the first ten years we were together. In the last year, it’s not the same.” She knew her explanation sounded lame and ridiculous, but she couldn’t quite explain the jumble of feelings within her. “I can’t believe I’m saying this either, but it’s true.”

Brian was quiet for a long time as he stared down at the floor. When he finally spoke, he didn’t look up at her. “So you’re bored and want out.”

“It’s not that simple,” she began, but his searing look cut her off.

“Not that simple? It’s not that simple?!” He shoved back his chair, and it was his turn to pace now. “You know what I’m hearing, Leighanne? I’m hearing that my wife, my rock suddenly doesn’t want to be with me. I’m hearing that you think we’ve lost that spark we’ve always had. And you know what I think about all that?” His breath was heaving as he glared at her, his eyes so blue with anger. “I think that’s bullshit. If you don’t want me anymore, just tell me. But don’t you dare lie to me or make up excuses.”

“I’m not making excuses, and the last thing I’d ever do to you is lie!” She shook her head. “Brian, I love you, and I swore to you that I’d be by your side forever. I was so sure that we’d be happy forever, but, in the last year or so, I realized that I’m just not happy anymore. That’s not your fault, and it’s not mine,” she added quickly when he opened his mouth to retort. “I woke up one day and realized that I wasn’t where I thought I would be. I love you, and I love Baylee, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

“Do what?” Brian stared at her helplessly. The love of his life didn’t want to be with him, and, no matter what she said, he wasn’t able to make her happy anymore. He’d never felt such pain in his heart before. “Be with Baylee and me? Be my family?”

She bit her lip nervously. “Partly, yes.”

“Oh, my god.” And, just like that, his life dissolved in front of his eyes. His legs were suddenly boneless, and he sank to the floor, his hands clutching his head. There were tears blinding him, and he could feel them running down his face. “Oh, my god, I can’t believe this is happening.”

There were tears slipping and sliding down her cheeks as well. “I’m sorry, Brian. I’m so sorry.” She dropped to her knees in front of him. “I didn’t want to hurt you, but I couldn’t keep it a secret from you anymore. I know you love me, and I love you, too. I just…I can’t spend all my days as a wife and mother. I need more.”

“Then I’ll help you.” Her face was blurry through the tears in his eyes, but it was still so beautiful to him. “If you want to do another movie, we’ll find a script and start working on it. Do you want to expand your bag line? We can do that, too.”

Leighanne felt her heart break for him. “I can’t do that, Brian. I can’t keep using your name, your star power to get by. I don’t even know if acting is what I want anymore. That’s why I need space, right now. I just need to find my place again.”

“Your place? Baby, your place is right here.” He reached out a hand to touch her cheek, but she shifted away and broke his heart. “Please, please don’t leave me,” he whispered.

“Oh, Brian.”

When his arms went around her, she didn’t resist and rested her head on his shoulder. Brian held her as close as possible, terrified of what was to come. Her mind was already made up, and he knew he’d never be able to change it. “Will you come back?” he wondered quietly.

“One day,” she whispered, though both of them knew it might not be the truth.

So they sat there, on their kitchen floor, holding each other, knowing that things would never be the same again. He’d never been able to deny her anything, and they both knew it.

***

I didn’t want to tell anyone what was happening in the beginning. Leighanne moved in with her sister, who lived an hour away. I think we both knew that she wanted to be far enough away, so that I wouldn’t drop by to see her everyday. But she didn’t want to be too far away because she wanted to see Baylee, spend time with him. No matter what happened between us, neither of us wanted Baylee to be hurt by it. Of course, he was full of questions.

“Where’s Mommy? When is she coming home? How come she won’t come to Parents’ Day at school? Can we go see her? Can we call her?”

It was torture to listen to his sad little voice ask for Mommy. Slowly, he quit asking and, when he did see Leighanne, he wouldn’t pester her about coming home. Baylee took her leaving much better than I did.

The first few days after she left, I was furious with her. I’d given her everything, and she had tossed it back in my face. When she’d asked me to spend less time with Nick, I said, “Sure, baby. Whatever you want.” When she said, let’s move to Atlanta, even though my home was always Kentucky, I agreed. When she told me she wanted a huge wedding, I gave her my checkbook and told her to go nuts, even though my dream wedding had always been a small ceremony. After Baylee was born, she told me she didn’t want more children. That was the hardest thing for me to give up because I’d always imagined a house full of my children, but, loving her, I convinced myself that Baylee would be enough.

After all of that, she still didn’t want me. So I threw things, I drank too much when Baylee was asleep, and I almost torched our wedding albums. I wanted everything of hers gone, and, soon, it was.

Within three months, every last thing of hers was gone from that house, and, if it wasn’t for the pictures, it would’ve been as though she’d never lived there.

Brian finally told his bandmates about the separation when he saw them after a three month break. They’d decided to regroup and work on concepts for their next album. To the four of them, it felt as though this last album on their contract with JIVE had to be the pinnacle of their careers. Nick, AJ, and Howie wanted it because they knew the group could produce an amazingly successful album and blow everyone away—they just had to figure out how to do it.

Brian, though, wanted the success because it was all that kept him going now. Without Leighanne in his life, his focus shifted to Baylee and his work. His second solo album was set to drop in four months, and he was relentlessly working on perfecting it. Late nights spent at the studio tuning up the sound often left him too tired to think about how dismal his personal life had become. He heard from Leighanne every so often, and, even though they were only separated, she’d sent him her wedding and engagement rings. Not sure what to do with them, he’d locked them in a box and swore that, one day, he’d put them back on her finger.

One day, he thought, but not today. Or anytime soon because Leighanne seemed content in her own condo, working as a recruiter for a modeling agency. It wasn’t exactly the job she had been looking for, she told him over the phone once, but she didn’t want to leave Atlanta and Baylee quite yet.

Brian simply hadn’t had the heart to ask her, “What about me?” He was afraid that he already knew the answer to that.

“Brian! Hey, Brian!” Nick snapped his fingers in front of Brian’s face, pulling him out from his brooding.

“Sorry.” Brian sat up and tried to look more alert. “What were we talking about?”

Howie frowned at him, and AJ looked concerned. It wasn’t like Brian to simply lose track of what was going on. “Nick talked to a bunch of fans at Scorpion last week. You know, in LA?” He waited for Brian’s nod before he continued. “Anyway, they think that we should quit this pop/rock deal and go back to our R&B style. Apparently, it’s what’s in and will make us more successful than pop/rock will.”

“What’s JIVE’s take on this?” Brian asked after a couple moments of pondering.

Nick shrugged. “I wanted us to be in agreement on what we want before we take this to the execs. If we go in as a united group, maybe we’ll have more impact, you know?”

“I like our old sound,” Howie admitted. “Maybe it’s time we went back to it. We did try with Unbreakable, but I think we need to try harder. Maybe hook up with better producers.”

“Maybe we don’t need Dan anymore,” Nick suggested cautiously, glancing hesitantly at Brian because he knew that Brian loved working with Dan Muckala.

“Dude, it would be off the hook if we could somehow get a hold of Timbaland,” AJ said enthusiastically. When Howie and Nick agreed, he looked at Brian. “What do you think, Brian? Think we should ditch the rock direction and go for more mainstream?”

“Sure, whatever.” Brian shrugged and turned to stare out the window, his thoughts drifting back to Leighanne as he wondered where she was at the moment, what she was doing…if she was dating anyone. His heart clenched as he thought about the fact that they’d never established whether or not they were no longer exclusive. The connotation to “separation” probably implied that she was allowed to see other guys, he told himself. He just had to figure out a way to not hurt if she did.

Nick, AJ, and Howie exchanged worried glances before they turned to Brian. Howie placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder. “Brian? Is everything okay? Is something bothering you?”

Brian sighed before he looked away from the window to his friends’ anxious faces. “No. Actually, nothing is okay, and I don’t know how to make it right again.” Even as tears started to fill his eyes, he blurted out, “Leighanne left me almost four months ago.”

There was a shocked silence before Nick spoke. “That’s not true.” But, he knew it had to be. Brian wouldn’t be this distraught if it were a lie. “Brian, why?”

“Seriously, man. The two of you were in love. Majorly.” AJ wrapped an arm around Brian’s shoulders. “What happened?”

In between the sobs that escaped him, Brian managed to fill them in on what had happened two nights after the Unbreakable tour had ended. “And, now, she’s got her own place and a new job, and she’s happy. She sounds so happy when we talk on the phone. But she won’t see me. Every time she has Baylee over at her place, she gets her sister to pick Bay up and take him over. I haven’t seen my wife in nearly four months, and it hurts. Oh, god, it hurts so much.” He hadn’t been able to talk to anyone, not even his parents or his family, about what it really felt like without Leighanne. With his bandmates, he spilled it all out.

They listened to him without saying all the trite phrases people say when they don’t know how to help a person in pain. Instead, they let him say aloud everything he’d been going through internally, and, when he was drained of it all, he laid his head on the table and waited for them to say something.

After several moments, Howie shook his head. “I still can’t believe it. You’re not divorced, right?”

“Nope. I don’t even want to think about that. If it happens-” He swiped at tears that fell from his eyes. “If we do get a divorce, it’ll be because Leighanne puts it into motion. I can’t do it. I just can’t.”

Nick laid his hand over Brian’s on the table. “Brian, you know we’re here for you, right? Whatever you need, we’ll help you out.” He paused and bit his lip. “Uh, I don’t want to but I gotta ask. Are you still in love with her?”

Brian sniffed back tears and lifted his head to look at Nick out of puffy, red eyes. “She’s my one, Nick. She has to be. She was my best friend, my soulmate. She gave birth to my child. I don’t know how I could not love her.”

“She also left you, destroyed you, and it’s pissing me off to see you like this. I want to find her and-” Nick broke off when Howie and AJ glared at him. “Sorry.”

AJ shook his head. “Didn’t you guys think about couples therapy or any of those other options before separating? I mean, it sounds pretty drastic to think of you guys going from all happy together to totally separate.”

Brian rubbed at his eyes wearily. “AJ, when she told me all those things that night, she’d already made up her mind that we should be separated. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about her over the last eleven years, it’s that, once her mind is made up, you can’t change it, no matter how hard you try.” He sighed shakily. “God, I wish I could go back and fix whatever made her change her mind about us.”

***

I know, I know. It was stupid to wish with all my heart that I could turn back time and make things all better. Obviously, this was how things were supposed to work out between Leighanne and I, and they did. It took me a long time to admit that, when I looked back on our years together, I could have seen it coming. Unfortunately, now that it had hit me, there wasn’t much I could do but deal with it.

With my fellow Boys and my family supporting me, I started to work on making myself happier. A few weeks after I spilled my heart to my friends, AJ pulled me aside and told me that I couldn’t go on the way I had been. It was obvious that Leighanne was happy with her life, and I definitely deserved to be the same. Not only for myself, he said, but for Baylee, too. After all, Baylee couldn’t live the majority of his time with a hollowed out shell of a man; he needed a father.

A few days passed before I found that AJ was right. I did deserve better, and, more than that, Baylee deserved better from me. I started making the effort to be a better father, and, slowly, I saw that my son became a happier child because of it. Baylee’s performance in first grade had been suffering, but, once I worked on turning my life around, he seemed to improve, too.

I took him to Disney Japan again because he’d always loved it. We went to the beach, visited Nick in Tampa, and spent a lot more time in Kentucky. My parents spoiled the both of us, and we lapped it right up. Baylee had always loved my parents, but he grew even closer to them through all of this.

Eight months passed and work on the new Backstreet Boys album began as promotions on my second Christian album stepped up. As excited as I was about the album and as awesome as it was to take Baylee with me everywhere since it was now summer, I had completely forgotten that, with promotions would come media probes into my personal life. They caught me off guard and, with no idea what to say, I finally admitted to the press that Leighanne and I were separated.

As unprepared as I was for the questions from reporters and DJs, though, I was completely stunned when the first pictures of Leighanne with another man appeared on the Internet. Almost at the same time, I received a petition for divorce from her lawyer.

The life that I had worked so hard to fix seemed to crash again.

He didn’t let himself think, didn’t let himself talk himself out of it. The next thing he rationally remembered was banging away on Leighanne’s door. He’d never been to her condo, but he’d gotten the address from the law firm that had sent the divorce petition she’d sent him. It was a nice enough place, he supposed, but it wasn’t their home. And that was where he wanted her most. Not living an hour away from him and dating some man that was not him.

Brian pounded his fist on her door and rang her doorbell at the same time. When Leighanne pulled open the door, she looked shocked to see him. Even through the haze of hurt fury that coated his vision, he noticed that there was something different about her, and it wasn’t just her different haircut or the clothing she wore.

“Brian! What are you doing here?” Leighanne sounded breathless and surprised.

His response was to wave a packet of papers in her face. “What the hell is this?”

Her brows shot up, and her eyes were wary as she stepped back. “I think you’d better come in, Brian.”

“Damn right, I will,” he shot back and followed her into her home.

He immediately noticed that her new home had the same décor as the home they’d shared. Leighanne’s mark was clearly evident in the mahogany wood of the coffee table, end tables, and furniture trimmings in the parlor that she led him into. The condo smelled like her, too, and tears stung his eyes as he realized how badly he’d missed her scent.

When they were seated, Leighanne folded her hands in her lap and offered him a nervous smile. “Well, I guess this answers my question about whether or not you got the petition.”

“Why?” Brian asked in a pained whisper. “Why are you doing this to us? To me? To Baylee?”

She shook her head sadly. “Brian, I’m not trying to hurt you on purpose. I just think it’s going to hurt worse if we keep dragging this separation out indefinitely. I didn’t think there was a point in holding onto false hope.”

“False hope?” Brian hadn’t thought it possible that his heart could break again and again. But, as he sat there and saw the determined expression on his wife’s face, his heart shattered again. “I thought there was always hope that we’d be together again in the future.”

Leighanne sighed. “I know, and there always will be. But, now, right now, I can’t lead you on like this. I hate knowing that every day that passes with us still apart hurts you. Staying separated isn’t doing either of us any good, and I need you to let go. Not for me,” she added when Brian opened his mouth to retort, “but for you. I want you to move on, to be happy.”

“How can I be happy without you by my side?” He pressed the heels of his hands wearily to his eyes. “I love you, and I can’t get over what we had together quite as easily as you have.”

She shoved to her feet suddenly. “You think I’m over us? Do you really believe that?”

He looked up at her, surprised. “Well…yeah. You’re the one who wanted out, and, according to your fansites, you’re dating someone. What else am I supposed to believe, other than that you’ve moved on from us?”

“Well, I haven’t. I couldn’t.” Leighanne paced her parlor a little. “Brian, I love you, I do. But you have to know that I left before things could go terribly wrong between us. They were headed there, and I just didn’t want you to hate me. I mean, I know you might right now, but, maybe if I explain it to you, you might not hate me as much.”

“I don’t hate you,” Brian said quietly. “And I definitely don’t think we were heading towards anything but more happiness. You’d better explain. Maybe you could start with who this guy is that you’re dating.”

She flushed a little, her cheeks pinking. “Um, his name is Jason.”

Jason. Brian ran the name through his brain and decided he’d hate the guy just on principle. “I see. Where did you meet him?”

“At work. He’s one of the, um, executives at the modeling agency.”

He nodded. “Well, it’s nice to know you’re keeping up with your habit of jumping from one rich man to the next. Good for you.”

Leighanne froze, her skin turning pale instantly. “Is that…is that what you really think?” she asked in a broken voice.

Brian felt ashamed now. No matter what had happened between them, this was the woman who’d loved him for over a decade. “No. I’m sorry, really. I didn’t mean that. I guess I’m just upset enough that things are just rolling off my tongue. I don’t think of you that way.”

She bit her lip nervously before nodding. “It’s okay. I know most of your fans probably think I’m the biggest whore around.”

“You’re not.”

Leighanne shook her head sadly. “I hope not. In any case, Jason and I have been seeing each other for a month and a half. He’s pretty great,” she added. “But, in any case, I guess I’d better give you that explanation I owe you.”

“Yeah, you’d better,” he said and braced himself for what was to come.

She sat again and faced him. “For the last year and a half that we were together, I felt like there was something missing, that we’d lost something vital in our relationship. I felt like you weren’t seeing me for me but more as just your wife, the mother of your child. I was no better. You weren’t Brian anymore, but my husband, the father of my son. That’s all. We weren’t even getting along as well.”

“What? Of course we were.” Brian shook his head, disbelieving. “Name one time where we argued about something. That’s what we’d always prided ourselves on. Not fighting.”

“Maybe it just became easier not to fight,” she murmured then shook her head. “We fought over you wanting to spend more time with Nick, remember? And then, there was that time when I brought Baylee on the Unbreakable tour, so we could be with you. I didn’t want you to take him onstage to see the fans, but you were insisting. Do you remember how big that fight was?”

He was quiet for a moment as he thought it through. “Maybe, yeah. But it wasn’t that big of a deal to me, in the end.”

“When I left with Baylee, two weeks later, we still weren’t talking to each other,” Leighanne reminded him. “I was so angry with you, and I don’t think I ever stopped. The next time I saw you, it was when you came home after the tour.”

“And you told me you wanted out,” he finished. “Were you still angry then? Is that why you wanted the separation? Because you didn’t agree with how I wanted to handle our kid.”

“No. Not entirely. It was just all these little things that were making me realize that maybe our relationship wasn’t good for either of us. Suddenly, I wanted more than I knew you could give me because you’ve got this incredible career, and who would’ve cared for Baylee if both of us were doing what we loved? That alone would’ve torn us apart.” Leighanne clenched her hands together in her lap. “I didn’t want you to get caught in the backlash of all the anger and turmoil that was building up inside of me, so I thought it best if I left.”

“And, now, you don’t think you’ll ever come back,” Brian whispered sadly. “I wish you hadn’t left, Leigh. I wish we’d argued over everything because I really think we were strong enough to get through it together. Maybe we would’ve come out stronger because of it.”

She shrugged, but her expression was grim. “The place I was at, Brian, I don’t think we would have.” She pushed the divorce petition across the coffee table towards him again. “Please don’t drag this out, please. Just sign it and let yourself get on with your life. You might not think so, Brian, but you deserve someone who can give you more than I could.”

He picked up the sheaf of papers and stood slowly. “I think you’re wrong. I think I loved you enough to help you work out whatever it was you needed. Now, we’ll never know.”

Turning away from the sight of tears brimming in her beautiful blue eyes, he clamped down on the urge to smash something to pieces. Instead, he walked straight of her home and into his car. He drove for three blocks before pulling over and resting his head on the steering wheel.

It occurred to him then, that the difference he’d noted in Leighanne wasn’t her physical appearance. No, he realized sadly, she’d looked different because she’d looked happy. And it appalled and depressed him to come to the realization that he hadn’t seen her look happy in too long to count.

***

So I signed the papers. Leighanne was right that, by staying simply separated, we were just dragging out the inevitable. It was hard, harder than anything I’d ever done before, to sign my name on the petition and know that we were ending nearly ten years of marriage.

Everyone was supportive of me and management even took pity on me, letting me off for a week from our recording sessions. I spent that week taking Baylee out to Orlando to go to DisneyWorld. Somewhere, among all the innocent children and the classic Disney characters, the anger I felt towards Leighanne evaporated and left me with just a giant, gaping hole in my heart. I had no idea when or how it would ever heal.

Nick and AJ encouraged me to try dating again, but I couldn’t even imagine myself with another woman, one who wasn’t Leighanne. Nick argued that, if Leighanne could move on, so could I. He was right, I suppose, but, at the time, I couldn’t tolerate the thought of being with anyone else. My world, I decided, would consist of my work and my son.

Then, after spending the weekend with Leighanne in September, Baylee came home full of Jason this and Jason that. My son was captivated by Leighanne’s new boyfriend, and I was stunned. It felt as though Baylee had betrayed me by actually enjoying spending time with Jason. I was now terrified that, as I had lost Leighanne, I would now lose Baylee, too.

Those worries, though, were mostly thrown out the window when, a few weeks later, I actually met Jason Hawkins. He was Leighanne’s age, which put him at six years older than me, and, even though I’d wanted him to be old and balding and ugly, he was anything but. He was also totally likeable, and I knew I could never hate him.

So, there I was, my Christian music career booming, my Backstreet career in progress, and my personal life in tatters. I had no idea what to do with myself, so I buried myself in my work. I did plenty of the intimate church concerts I’d grown to love and spent time in the recording studio with the Backstreet Boys. We’d actually gotten Timbaland to agree to working with us, and things were looking up.

Maybe I missed a few recording sessions here and there, but, I told myself, it wasn’t as though anyone would call me on it. Or so I thought.