“Who were you talking to on the phone?”
“Who do you think, Brian?”
“If I knew, would I ask, Nick?”
“I don’t know, would you?”
“Why would I, if I knew?”
“How should I know, Brian?”
“What are you two arguing about?”
“Since when do WE ever argue, Howie?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“What is the definition of a trick question?”
“Isn’t that self explanatory, Nick?”
“What does self explanatory mean, Howie?”
“You seriously don’t know?”
“No?”
“And, you are friends with this guy, Brian?”
“Why shouldn’t I be? What’s wrong with Nick?”
“What ISN’T wrong with Nick?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“What do you think I mean, Brian?”
“Don’t you like Nick?”
“Do I HAVE to answer that?”
“Why are you two talking about me as if I weren’t here?”
“You actually noticed?”
“Why wouldn’t I, Howie?”
“Don’t you have a video game to play, or something?”
“Why do you think that all I do is play video games?”
“Since when are you NOT attached to a video game?”
“Hey, what’s up guys?”
“Do you have to be here, AJ?”
“Should I take that as a not so polite hint to scram?”
“Gee, what would give you that idea?”
“Can I just ask one question?”
“What, AJ?”
“Who decided to hide the bus driver’s hamster in the microwave?”
“Who did what?”
“Who did it? Was it you Nick?”
“Why do you think it was me?”
“Hey, all I want to know is who will take the fall for the hamster being dead?”
“Why is it dead?”
“Ever heard of suffocation, Brian?”
“Suffa, what?”
“Do you even try, Nick? I mean, really? Are you THAT dumb?”
“It makes me dumb because I didn’t know what that suffa word meant?”
“Um…honestly?”
“Do we have to talk about dead animals, AJ?”
“What, did you do it, Brian?”
“Why would I put a hamster in the microwave?”
“Do you have a reason to plot revenge against bus driver Jim?”
“Would I…are you serious, AJ?”
“Well, Brian, do you think the hamster opened the microwave door, crawled in and shut the door all by himself?”
“Is that possible?”
“Nick, could you shut you cheese hole?”
“Isn’t it ‘pie hole’?”
“Does it matter? Don’t you stuff just about anything in the hole? So why would it matter if I call it a cheese hole or a pudding hole or, hell, even a muffin hole?”
“Is this conversation going anywhere?”
“Gee, Brian, why don’t you tell me? Are you acting suspicious for a reason or are your pink lace panties in a twist again?”
“Why do you think I wear pink lace panties?”
“Are you denying it?”
“Did you ever think they were my wife’s?”
“But why are you wearing them?”
“Who says I am?”
“Are you willing to prove you aren’t?”
“HOLY HELL, why, in the name of all things good, are your pants down around your ankles, Brian?”
“Why are you here again, Howie?”
“Do you have any idea how this looks?”
“Well, does it look like I am wearing pink panties?”
“Who the hell would think that?”
“Who do you think, Howie?”
“AJ?”
“Why can’t anyone fess up the micro waved hamster?”
“Wouldn’t that classify as animal cruelty?”
“Why are you still here, Howie?”
“I will leave then, is that what you want, AJ?”
“Isn’t it obvious?”
“Why are you so mean?”
“Honestly, Brian, what do you expect when no one will answer me?”
“Were you born this strange?”
“WHO IN THE BLOODY HELL PUT THE GOD DAMN HAMSTER IN THE FUCKING MICROWAVE?”
“Do you have to yell, AJ?”
“Okay, who put a squirrel in the microwave?”
“Oh come on, did you not hear anything I have just said, Howie?”
“What did you say, AJ?”
“Why do I even bother?”
“Is that a trick question?”
“Does anyone else feel the sense of deja vou?”
“What is deja vou, Brian?”
“Honestly, Nick? I mean, really?”
“What?”
“Can we get off this wretched bus yet?”
“Why are you so anxious, AJ?”
“Do you really have to ask, Brian?”
“Should I already know?”
“Aren’t you one third of the reason I want to get off?”
“Why one third?”
“Are you dense? Hello? Nick plus Howie plus you…doesn’t that equal three?”
“How many does each person count for?”
“And why do people wonder about my alcohol issues? Do they really not see what I deal with?”
“What are you talking about?”
“Will someone just put me out of my misery?”
“What is misery?”
“Why am I not surprised by this question, Nick?”
“Questions can surprise you?”
“Where are you going, AJ?”
“Hey AJ? Why are you getting off at the gas station?”
“Do you think he has to pee, Howie?”
“Why don’t you go to sleep before you hurt yourself, Nick?”
“And what are you going to do, Howie?”
“Sleep?”
“Hmmm, maybe I should sleep, too? Do you think AJ will get back on the bus?”
“Eh, who cares?”


“Are we there yet, Brian?”
“Isn’t it obvious that we are, Nick?”
“Hey look, is that AJ?”
“It looks like it, doesn’t it?”
“I wonder how he got here?”
“Hey, how did you get here AJ?”
“Do you not see the cab that I just got out of, Nick?”
“Why did you take a cab?”
“Do you HAVE to ask?”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Yo, Nick, want to play Nintendo before we crash for the night?”
“Would I ever say no?”


“How are you AJ?”
“Do you have any idea how bad this sucks without you, Kevin?”
“Annoyed?”
“Is it obvious?”
“Who knew it would get so bad without me?”
“Didn’t I tell you this would happen?”
“Isn’t Howie a help?”
“Now, you know the answer to that, don’t you?”
“That would be a ‘no’, right?”
“Why did you leave me with this pack of weirdoes?”
“Don’t you think it’s funny how you and I were always the most sane of the group?”
“You do realize I am no longer sane, right?”
“Is it really that bad, AJ?”
“Do you think it is possible that Nick is getting dumber?”
“Hmmm? Maybe he is starving for attention?”
“Doesn’t he get ENOUGH attention? Did I tell you that Nick tied bed sheet together and climber out the window of the 12th floor room he stayed in while we were in Texas?”
“He did what?”
“Do you know what Brian’s reaction was?”
“What?”
“Can you picture Brian poking his head out the window that Nick climbed out of? And, can you picture him singing at the top of his lungs ‘Spider Nick, Spider Nick…Does whatever a Spider Nick does’?”
“He did that?”
“Why are you laughing? You really want to laugh at my pain?”
“Is there more?”
“Don’t you know it?”
“Continue?”
“Did Howie tell you that Nick calls him Herpenshnickle now?”
“Herpa what?”
“But yet the guy doesn’t know what a trick question is?”
“You aren’t amused even a little?”
“How can I be when he is putting easy cheez in the drummers underwear and then calling him chedder pants? Would it be considered a mental condition if two grown men stand on a food court table, in an Atlanta mall, on a Saturday and started singing ‘I’m a Little Teapot’?”
“Brian and Nick?”
“Can you believe it was actually Brian and Howie?”
“Howie?”
“Now, do you believe me when I say that shit hit the fan when you left?”
“How can I not?”