Sometimes things turn out... weird.

Life, in general, is weird. But I've slowly learned to enjoy it, and take everyday as a blessing. I'm still learning and I don't think you ever really stop. Especially when you have a kid, you know... you gotta take things day by day.

I watched Daisy, our Golden Retriever, circle around until finally finding a place to lay down. Her ears were perked up, and she quickly got right back up and ran straight to the door. Her tail wagging furiously. She must be back, I smiled to myself and quickly put out my cigarette in the ashtray.

I walked over to the door, patted Daisy on the head quickly, and opened the door. I smiled at her running towards the house. Her pigtails were bouncing up and down as she ran, and she had this big ass grin on her face that you can't help but love.

I kneeled down on the front porch, and extending my arms out. She ran straight into me and grasped me in a hug. I squeezed her tightly, "I missed Daddy's Addy!"

"Daddy, look...," all I could see was a piece of paper being shoved in my face. I had to sit back a moment to see what it was and I took it from her.

"You didn't color this...," I said sarcastically, and grinned.

"Yes I did!"

I loved when she would get all offensive, it was hilarious.

"I don't believe you!" I was kidding, once again.

"Daaadddy, I did!" she was getting mad now.

"I'm just kiddin', baby. I believe you," I took a look at the picture once again. It was just a bunch of scribbled markers on a sheet of paper but she was so proud, and it was cute.

"It's beautiful, hon. I think we should hang this on the fridge."

Her smile lit up, and it was then that I realized my mom was standing behind her.

"Was she good for ya, Ma?" I asked, and hugged her.

"An angel, as always," my mom smiled at me.

"Hmm, I don't know about that!" I rubbed the top of Adelynn's head and she just shook me off with her hand.

She ran past me and straight into the house, dropping her bag that she was carrying right on the floor and throwing her shoes off. She cuddled with Daisy for a minute and then made herself comfortable on the couch. I just shook my head and laughed.

"So how are things?" my mom looked at me with concern.

"I mean... they're...," I sighed, "They're fine. Things are great."

Okay, that was a lie. But I wasn't about to tell my mother certain things, especially when Addy was sitting right in the next room.

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm fine, Ma. No worries," I shrugged.

"Okay. Remember to call me, alright, honey?" she kissed my cheek and I gave her a quick hug, "I love you."

"Love you, too," I waved as she walked back to her car and drove off.

I sighed and closed the door behind me. Adelynn was already laughing at something on the TV and I went over and picked her up, then threw her over my shoulder. She started cracking up, even more when I started to tickle her belly all over.

"Daddy, stop! Stop!" she giggled away, she hated being tickled. "Stop!"

I laughed and gave her one last tickle before putting her back down on the couch. I smiled at her, "What do you want to do today, little girl?"

"Hmmm... I want... Chuckacheese!" her face lit up.

She had always called it 'Chuckacheese,' even though it was really called Chuck E. Cheese. You know... one of those really annoying little kid places where there's tons of kids running around stinkin' up the joint and you end up leaving with a massive headache. But the pizza rocks. Sounds fun.

"Sure, baby."

She cheered, "Yay!"

"Let me go get ready."



I looked through my piles of clothes. I really need to get Dana living here full-time again. Dana had been my nanny, or housekeeper, for a little bit but once the group decided to take six months off for a break, I told her just to come once a week and if I needed a babysitter.

Right now, I'm missing all the neatly folded t-shirts, socks, underwear, shorts... she was always very organized.

"Daddy?"

I turned my head and saw Addy walking into my room.

"Yeah?"

"Can I pwweeasse bring Josh?"

I didn't like that kid. He was a four year old little boy named Josh from her little daycare center that she sometimes goes to. He was a brat. That's the only word for him. But they always got along. How can I say no to a face like that? I looked at her pouting face.

"Sure," I sighed.

I sat down on the end of the bed, looking through the shirts piled up in the middle of it. Then Adelynn came and sat on my lap, I looked down at her and smiled, then pushed a piece of hair out of her eyes.

"Dad, what's this mean?" she pointed to the tattoo on my forearm.

No matter how many times we went over this... she would still always ask about each and every tattoo on my body. I don't think she understood really what a tattoo was.

"That was my old nickname... AJiggity."

She laughed, "That's funny!"

She then poked my bellybutton, "What's that?"

"Just a number."

I laughed on the inside. Yeah just a number.

"Oh," she then pointed to my neck, "What's that one?"

"Well, that's a skull," I smiled and I guess she was bored with my tattoos because she hopped off my lap.

"Alright, which one?" I held out a red t-shirt with some weird design on it, and a vintage Mickey Mouse shirt. I knew which one she would pick.

"That one!" she pointed straight towards the Mickey Mouse shirt.

"How could I have guessed?" I acted surprised and she just giggled.

Then I slipped my pants on, and threw a hat overtop of my head.

"Off to Chuck E. Cheese...," I picked her up.

I don't like nights like this.

The lonely nights where I can't go to sleep, I'm bored and restless, and I end up staring at the ceiling all night or somethin'. I got too many thoughts jumbled up in my little mind.

I sighed and threw the covers off of me. Midnight snack, I guess.

I rummaged through all the cabniets looking for something to eat. Out of all this shit in my pantry you would think I'd find something but it's nothing I'm craving. Plus, it's pitch black dark through the whole house except the tiny light coming from above the oven.

"Shit," I cursed to myself.

I had dropped something, and it had landed on my toe.

"God damnit," I muttered, once again to no one in particular.

I'm not even hungry, nevermind. I walked back up the stairs and was headed for my room but on the way I peeked into Adelynn's room. A smile formed on my lips. Her small body was moving up and down and a light snore was heard. I tip-toed in there to get a better look at her.

I can't believe she's almost four. The years flew by.

I crawled into her bed, on the other side of her, and wrapped my arm around her. She was the only reason for... everything. She was so peaceful while she slept. Like a little angel.

She had been exhausted from playing at Chuck E. Cheese all day. And tomorrow Josh is coming over again. Lucky me.

I dozed off. I just yawned and decided I didn't have any strength to get up and into the next room. I'm out.




"Daddy... daddy...."

My eyes started to flutter open and I saw her pretty eyes staring into mine.

I peeked at her with my one half-open eye and grinned, "Hmm?"

"Why you in my bed, silly?" she giggled.

I tucked her hair behind her ears, "'Cuz it's the only way to cuddle with you anymore. Your such a big girl now... won't even let Daddy cuddle with you."

She just giggled once again.

Damn, it was bright in this room in the morning. I squinted from the sun and kissed her cheek before getting myself up and out of bed.

I stretched one more time and yawned.

"You rest a little more and I'm gonna hop in the shower. Then I'll make some waffles, 'kay?"

She nodded and closed her eyes again.

--

"Daaaaaadddd?!" I heard throughout the steam and the sound of hot water pouring out of the shower faucet.

"Yeah?" I shouted back, as I wiped a washcloth over my face, getting as clean as possible.

I heard her walk into the bathroom, "I gotta go pee!"

I just shook my head and smiled, "Then go pee, sweetheart. Just don't flush the toilet while daddy's in the shower, okay?"

"Okay!"

The toilet lid flipped up, and I heard her going pee. I just laughed to myself, and continued cleaning my body. All the sudden, I heard the shower door slid open and looked and she was staring at me... almost with disbelief.

"Ewwww," she pointed, and I was confused.

"Daddy, why don't I have one of those?"

I gulped. I closed the shower door as quickly as possible and was startled by her question. She had seen me naked since she was a little baby. I mean, there was no other way to take showers and watch her at the same time when she was little. My daughter was getting older, and it scared me shitless.

"Baby, your a girl, and daddy's a boy.... so we have different, uhm, you know, parts. Do you understand?" I questioned.

She was silent for a few moments but then replied, "Mmmhmm."

"Go downstairs and get ready for some waffles."

I heard her begin running out of the bathroom, "Okay!"

Well, that was odd, nonetheless.

__

"Waffles, madam," I said in my best British accent, and put the waffles on the table. I quickly cut it up into little pieces with the fork for her.

She dug into them right away.

"Hungry, huh?" I chuckled.

She just nodded and kept eating. Maybe I'd pop me one in the toaster.

Thank God for microwaves and toasters... I am now a pro at cooking with toasters and microwaves.

I reached over and stuck my fork into one of her pieces and shoved it in my mouth, "Mmm.. yum."

"Daddy!" she yelled and then pouted, "Now can't eat it no more!"

"Oh, relax, baby... I took one bite."

I heard the doorbell ring and for a minute I had forgotten about the king of brats. Ok, I'm sorry, that's mean. But it seems like everytime he comes over, Adelynn acts a little different each time. Towards me, mainly. And I don't like it.

"Shit, Amanda, what the hell do you want now?" I yelled at her.

She wouldn't go away. I wanted her out of my life. She was supposed to be a one night stand, and it turned into a 6 month stand. Almost 7 months.

"I want you to love me!"

"I don't," I replied, dryly.

Tears were welling up in her eyes, and I felt guilty. I did love her... no, not love. I cared about her alot.

Before I knew it I leaned over amd my lips connected to hers. That shut her up. Oh, God, I loved this. Our tounges intertwined and I grasped onto her arm. Her nails were digging into mine, and I don't know why I thought that felt so good. If it was anyone else, I'd pry their nails off of me.

I didn't want this. I SO didn't want this.

Okay, maybe I did. I do want this because she's so beautiful. I pulled off of her and finally took a breath, and looked at her face. At everything; the shape of her face, her nose, her mouth. It was all beautiful.

I didn't want a relationship.

"Fuck," I backed off of her.

"No problem," she grinned and I just looked at her.

"No, I can't do this. I care about you, Manda. I don't wanna fuck things up. I don't... want you to get hurt."

She grabbed her jean jacket off the counter and walked out the door.

Shit... why do I mess things up so bad? All the time?

Speaking of time... damn. I have to pick Adelynn up from daycare, I didn't realize it was already 4 o'clock.



Driving in the car had always been a way for me to get things off my mind or think about shit. I nearly sucked in all the cigarette smoke at once and just slowly blew it out. Relaxing. Cigarettes make me relax.

I sighed and picked up my cellphone and dialed a number, then heard a familar voicemail.

"Manda, I'm sorry. You know I love ya," I said in a friendly tone, not the actual "I love you." "And I'm sorry I always fuck things up. I really don't want you getting hurt. 'Cuz I'm real confused right now. Call me."

I hung up and breathed a breath of relief. Now I don't feel so bad.

I threw my cigarette out the car window as I pulled up in front of Addy's daycare center.

I punched in a code at the front door so it would open for me and I went down the hall to the third door, which was the "3 and 4 year old" room.

I saw her right away... she was sitting at the little desk coloring away at a picture. And Josh was sitting right next to her. I rolled my eyes.

"Adelynn, your father's here," I could hear one of the teachers say.

She looked up at me and smiled, "Daddy, look! It's a pretty picture!"

I went over and sat down next to her in one of those damn kiddy chairs. The thing my ass doesn't fit very well into. I looked at Josh and just smiled, "Hey, Josh."

"Hi," he replied, not looking up from the paper he was drawing on.

Maybe he wasn't a brat. Maybe he was just shy. He has like split personalities, it seems like. Who knows.

"You ready to go?" I looked at Addy.

Her tounge was curved around her lip and her head was somewhat tilted to the side as she colored. She was real serious about that kinda stuff.

"Yep," she put the finishing touches on the picture.

As we were driving in the car, I couldn't help but peek in the rearview mirror every once in a while. It felt good... it felt good to be able to take care of somebody else and do a pretty damn good job at it.

I was so used to being taken care of and I never had to do anything for myself. There was always somebody. Growing up, my mom and my grandparents did all my shit. Laundry, cooking, cleaning. On the road, you never have to do anything for yourself. It just all gets taken care of.

Since she was born, it had all changed. For the better.

"Daddy?" she interuppted my thoughts.

"Hmm?"

"I don't wanna go to school tomorrow."

She did the pouty lip. That damn little face... she just makes it look so sad.

"You wanna go golfing with Daddy tomorrow?"

Her face lit up and I kinda regretted asking her. Now there was no backing out of it. And sometimes the people would get a little annoyed having a 3 year old running around. The way I look at it; I payed enough money to join the damn golf club. I should be able to bring my kid.

"Your gonna have to wake up early...," I grinned at her.

"Dat k!" she smiled even wider.

"Okay, you can come."

"Yay!" she started clapping her hands.

I got to learn how to say 'no', man.

The golf course was hot as hell. It was smokin' outside.

Adelynn pretty much sat in the golf cart the entire time, and all of the guys would always keep her company while the other was taking a shot.

Today, it was just me, Marcus and Jimmy. Jimmy was a guy I had met an AA meeting and he seemed real cool... didn't really know him but going golfing with someone can't hurt anything. And Marcus was my bodyguard, he was there to protect me but he was also there as a friend.

I kept Addy full on water so she wouldn't pass out or nothin'. Everytime after I hit the ball she would clap so loud, even if it was a sucky ass shot. I could see some people giving us dirty looks but whatever.

I wiped a bead of sweat off my forehead and sighed. I was bored.

"You ready to go?" I looked at Adelynn.

She just nodded.

"Say goodbye to Jimmy and Marc," I pointed to them and Adelynn waved goodbye.

"Arrg," I said as I picked her up. She layed her head on my shoulder so I knew she was exhausted. Hopefully she would fall asleep in the car. I had to call Amanda.

Once I got her all buckled into her carseat, I got myself situated and then began to drive off. She fell asleep right away. I kept looking back to make sure she was asleep for good before I called Amanda.

She was asleep. She had to be.

Amanda had left me two messages on the golf course and I let them both go into voicemail. She woulda screwed up my game.

"Amanda?" I asked through the phone reciever.

"Where were you?" she asked, quietly.

"I was at the golf course... Adelynn's with me...," I hated when there wasn't much to say.

"Oh, do you want me to call back?"

"No, no, she's fast asleep in the back seat," I looked at her once more in the back before finishing, "I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry. I'm sorry. For being a bitch."

"Your not," I bit my lip, "Your not a bitch."

I knew she was smoking on the other line. I could hear her blowing out puffs of smoke. It made me want one.

I sighed, "I'm okay, you know?"

"I know," was all she said in reply.

"Everyones so fucking worried about me. I just want people to stop and worry about their own problems."

"Look, AJ, I don't wanna fuck things up, okay? Just like you said. I mean... you and your daughter have a great relationship and I'm starting to fuck that up. You and the other guys even... I feel like I'm getting in the way."

"Me and the guys did not take a break because of you, Amanda. We didn't want what happened last time to happen again. It's just a six month break."

"Okay, okay," she took a deep breath, "Alex, I love you."

"I," I almost spit it out but I didn't. I had said that to one too many of the women in my life. This time... I had to be for sure. No more breaking hearts for me.

"I'll talk to you later," was all I could finish.

I heard her sigh, "Bye."

And then she hung up.

Here I go again... drifting in my own thoughts.

I mean, I don't think she's the one. The one. She's just cool to be with and cool to sleep with. She's too young. She's only 24. Who am I kidding? I'm not that much older than her.

But I've got a kid... a kid who needs a mom. Amanda can't be that person. She barely gives Addy attention when we're all together. She's nice to her, but she just doesn't understand. She'll want me to go out with her, or go to someones house and she'll get mad when I have to leave early. Or not understand if I can't go because I can't get a babysitter.

Fuck, it had only been 7 months. I wasn't trying to think of anything serious but I think Amanda was.

"Daddy?"

I heard her tired voice in the back.

"We going home?"

"Yes, baby," I smiled.

"Good," and she closed her eyes again.

I smiled to myself. I think she had turned out just fine without a mom. But what happens when she really does need one?

"You want a PB&J?" I asked Adelynn, who was sitting on the living room floor with her legs criss-crossed and staring up at the TV.

"Yeah!" she yelled back.

"Would you scoot back a little? Geez, your gonna sprain your neck," I told her as I got up off the couch to go to the kitchen.

She didn't reply but she scooted back. She got mesmorized when she was watching those damn cartoons.

I might as well make myself a peanut, butter and jelly sandwich, too. I hadn't eaten anything all day and come to think of it... I was kinda hungry.

I topped off both the plates by putting potatoe chips around the sandwiches. "Waa-laa," I said to myself.

"Here ya go, baby," I handed the plate to her and she grabbed it out of my hands.

"What do you say?" I eyed her.

"Thank you."

I shook my head and sighed, "Your welcome. You gotta learn some manners."

"Shhh!"

I cannot believe she just told me to be quiet.

"Excuse me, little girl, I will turn those cartoons off."

She pouted and she stomped up the stairs. I shook my head and laughed to myself. She could be such a little brat, but she was so cute when she was.

My cellphone started ringing.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Don't forget about your interview today."

"Ah, shit. I forgot," I sighed, "Thanks, Melissa."

Melissa was my new assistant. She bascially helped me keep my head on straight. God knows I couldn't do it myself.

"No problem. I'll call you if anything else comes up."

"Thanks alot," I hung up the phone and took another bite of my sandwich.

I guess I'll have to bring Addy with me. There's no where else for her to go on such short notice.

This is gonna be a quick interview. It's me and all of the guys and it's just to show we're still around, we're not broken up. You know... one of those things where we have to repeat ourselves over and over again.

I jogged up the stairs.

"Addy?" I called out.

"Baby, Daddys not mad at you...," I peeked into her room and she was fast asleep on her bed.

I shut myself up and tip-toed back out of the room, and closed the door. So that's why she was being a brat... she just needed some good sleep.

I'll just go get myself ready and then wake her up. I'll let her sleep for a while.



__

"Uncle Rok!" Addy jumped out of my arms to go greet Brian.

I laughed. She had always called him that... I think just because she was always hearing me calling him, 'Rok.'

"Hey sweetie!" he hugged her.

I saw Brian whisper something in her ear, and I looked at him waiting for an answer. Then Addy comes over to me and whispers in my ear, "Daddy, Brian said he missed me more than you."

She started to giggle loudly and I just laughed and whispered back into her ear, "Tell him I didn't miss him either."

She went over and whispered in his ear and I saw Brian laugh.

Kevin came walking in next, quickly followed by Nick and Howie. It was amazing to see all five of us here on time.

We all made ourselves comfortable on the couch, Addy sat on my lap, as the interviewer dude asked us some questions. Then I heard the tape start rollin'.

"Ladies and gentleman, I'm sitting here with the Backstreet Boys...."

"Dad..."

Was that Addy? My eyes squinted open in the pitch black dark bedroom. It was completely silent. I looked at the clock and it showed 1:05am.

I turned my head and saw Addy's shadow standing next to my bed.

I sat up a little and asked in a grougy voice, "What's wrong, baby?"

"I... I peed the bed."

I sighed to myself. Not again. I saw tears welling up in her eyes... she always made me feel so bad for her. She hated when she peed the bed but she did it alot, still. She didn't like to tell me, either.

I patted the bed, "Com'here."

She crawled up next to me and buried her head into my shirt. I wrapped my arm around her, "Shh.. it's okay. I'm not mad, sweetie."

She was so sentimental at night time. I kissed her forehead, "You sleep with Daddy tonight, okay? We'll clean your blankets in the morning."

She just nodded and sunk her head further into my chest. I rubbed her back for a moment and then decided I should try to fall asleep also.



__

I yawned as I woke up, with Addy in the same spot she was in last night. I could smell bacon and eggs coming from downstairs and I immediately knew Dana was here already.

I got up as softly as I could, so I didn't wake her up. It was best to let her sleep as late as possible. I looked like shit, but who cares? I was complete with the sticking up hair and my sweatpants I had on almost looked old and dirty.

First, I went into Adelynn's room to take off her sheets and covers when I realized the bed was already completely made and cleaned. I smiled... that Dana, man. She always knew.

Then I headed straight downstairs and was greeted by Dana.

"Good morning," she said in her half-Spanish accent.

"You came early, didn't you?" I went over and greeted her with a hug.

"Is it too soon?"

"No, no, not at all. The breakfast smells delish... thanks for changing Addy's sheets. Your ahead of stuff," I grinned.

"It's my job, Mr. McLean."

"God, don't call me that. How many times do I have to tell you? It's Alex. Or AJ. Whatever."

She just smiled and continued cooking breakfast. This was her one day of the week that she was hired to come. I did like being pampered and taken care of, though. And I wasn't used to it only being once a week, she used to be here daily.

And now that I'm at my house almost all the time, it could get pretty messy.

I peeked into the living room and saw that the half-eaten yogurts and the empty soda cans and the hollow bags of chips were gone. She had cleaned it all already.

"Your my hero," I said out of nowhere.

She just chuckled, "Why, thank you, Alex. You know, it really isn't all that hard to clean up a house."

"It is for me."

She placed a plate full of eggs, bacon and ham in front of me. I sat down on the closest barstool and took a bite.

"Damn, this is good," I replied with my mouth full of food.

"Excuse me?"

I just laughed. She was dead serious - she really couldn't understand. I finished chewing my food and then swallowed it.

"I said this is good."

She smiled, "Thank you. Is Mrs. Adelynn awake yet?"

"She's about as alive as a zombie right now. She's passed out."

"Oh, dear. Well she needs her sleep, that's good."

"Yeah, she had a late night last night. I think she was dreamin' alot. Wouldn't stop kicking."

She just laughed, "I saw you two this morning and thought it was the cutest thing ever. So I snapped a picture with your digital camera."

"Ooohh, Dana...," I groaned, "Don't take pictures of me sleeping."

"It was too cute to NOT take a picture," she grinned.

"Dana!" was all I heard and then the pitter-patter of footsteps running into the kitchen.

"Adelynn!" Dana bent down for a hug.

"Are you gonna babysit me today?!" she asked excitedly.

I chuckled. The only kid in the world who absolutely loved babysitters. If I were her, I wouldn't mind gettin' rid of myself either.

"Well, I believe I am," Dana looked at me for reassurance that she had said the right answer and I nodded. Addy started cheering.

I went over to her and made a pouty face, "You don't love me anymore?"

"Uh-huh! Yes I do!" she argued.

I picked her up and and started tickling her belly, she was giggling so loud and trying to escape from my grip.

I laughed once more before putting her back on the ground where she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Daddy! You tickle too much!"

I smiled at her and then turned towards Dana, "Yeah, if you don't mind staying with her for a couple hours. I've got another meeting to go to and some errands to run."

"It's my job, Alex."

"And you do a damn good job at it," I winked at her.

Adelynn's face lit up with surprise, "Aw, Daddy said a bad word!"

I left the AA meeting in high spirits. Even though we usually hear the same shit everytime and it does get old, it's still always nice to know I wasn't the only one with a problem. And it made me feel good when people would say they had relasped seven times... I relasped once.

I picked up my cellphone and dialed a familiar number.

"Amanda?" I asked, in almost a whisper. I don't know why I was whispering.

"Hi."

"Can I come over?"

"No," and I was shocked for a moment until I heard laughter in the background, "Of course you can come over."

I just chuckled a little, "Okay, good."

We hung up with each other and I had already been pulling down her street when I called. I parked the car in front of her house and went in, without knocking or anything. I had gotten used to that habit.

"Wow, that was fast," she smirked.

"What can I say? I'm a known speed racer."

She smiled and rested her arms on my shoulders, leaning in for a kiss. I loved when she did that. Just so unexpected. It completely turned me on.

When we released off of each other I just looked into her eyes.

"I wanna make this work," I said out of nowhere.

"Me too, Aje. Me too."

My shirt was already off before I could even say anything else and soon so was hers.

"I love you..."

____

"I'm home!" I called throughout the house and dropped my keys on the front table.

"Helllooo?" my voice echoed through the big, hollow, foyer.

Where the hell were they? I made my way through the kitchen and out the back door and saw Adelynn in the pool with her big floaties on her arms. Dana was sitting on one of the lawn chairs, flipping through a magazine.

They hadn't seen me yet. I smiled to myself as I thought of a plan.

I quickly threw off my shirt and slid my flip-flops off and just made a run for it - straight into the pool. When I came up above water, I saw Addy splashing her little arms as quick as they could go to come over to me.

"Daddy! You scared me!" she exclaimed and I took her in my arms.

"That was the plan, little girl," I kissed her cheek.

"Scared me half to death," Dana said, getting up from her spot in the chair.

I laughed. I knew I was gonna scare them.

"Did you have a good day?" I asked Addy, who was still in my arms.

"Uh-huh."

"That's good. Do you wanna go to a movie later?"

She smiled, "Yeah!"

"Well too bad!" I poked her belly and then I gave her 'eskimo kisses' where we rubbed noses. She started laughing.

"No, really... what do you wanna see?" I asked.

"I dunno!" she threw her hands up in the air.

"Well we'll find something. Let's get you all cleaned up."

I helped her out of the pool and wrapped a towel around her.

"Alright, go up to your room and start to get ready...," I told her and she began to run off. "Don't run!"

Her pace slowed down. I went over to Dana, "Your free to go home if you want."

"Are you sure, Alex? I've only been here since morning. Why don't I cook you guys some dinner tonight?"

I shook my head, "That's real nice of you but I'm gonna take Addy to a movie. We'll eat something on the run."

"You need to stop that!" she scolded, like a mother, "You need a home cooked meal every now and then."

"I know. But not tonight... your free to go," I grinned and pretending to shoo her off.

She just shook her head and smiled, "If you insist."

The more I thought about it... a homecooked meal would be really nice. Maybe I'll go to my mom's tomorrow night.

"Daddy?" I heard a little voice and I opened my eyes.

"Yes?"

"Why are you sleeping?" she pointed out the window, "Look, the sun is still out."

I laughed, "I wasn't sleeping, baby.. just resting my eyes."

"Oh," she frowned.

She looked upset, and I wasn't sure why. She had been up in her room playing, but not for too long. I had only been laying on the couch for about 15 minutes.

"What's wrong, sweetie?" I opened my arms for her and she crawled in my lap.

"How come I don't have a mommy?" she looked into my eyes and about killed me. My heart ached for her. I saw myself in her eyes, when I would ask my mother why I didn't have a father.

What was the easiest way for her to understand this? Oh, shit, nothin' was easy. I had been dreading this question since she was born.

"Your mommy wasn't as grown-up as daddy and she didn't want to have a baby."

No, no, no. McLean, you've done it now, you've told your child she was unwanted. Oh, fuck.

"Mommy loved you very much."

I cringed inside. She didn't love her and she never had. She had kidnapped her, for God's sake. I had to lie, I had to lie to my daughter. I couldn't hurt her anymore than she had been hurt.

"What did Mommy look like?" she asked me.

The thing was... I didn't really know her mom. I never knew Claire. I don't have much to tell her, and I don't think I have anything to show her.

Wait, yes I do. The picture from the hospital, from the day she was born.

"When did you start thinking of mommy?" I asked her. I was curious what sparked this question in the first place.

"Because the girls on TV have mommy's."

I sighed, "You know what?"

"What?" she looked up at me with curiousity.

"I never had a Daddy."

Her eyes opened wide, "You didn't?"

"Nope," I replied, "All I had was my mommy, who's your grandma."

"So your daddy didn't make you PB&J's like you make me?"

The question made me laugh because she was so serious. But it also made me sad... I was really proud that I had done so much more than my own father had done.

"No, my daddy didn't make me PB&J's like I make you," I grinned at her and pinched her nose, "I love you, baby."

"Will you play Barbie's with me?" she asked.

I smiled, "If I must."

I wasn't the greatest candidate for playing Barbies, doing her hair, or girly stuff but I tried my best.

She started to crawl back out of my lap but I grabbed her back and kissed her cheek, "Do you know why your so special?"

She giggled and replied, "Because I get a cool Daddy!"

I smiled at her, "Good answer. Your special because you mean everything to your daddy, and I couldn't live without you."

"Love you, DaDa," she started to crawl off my lap again, "Can we pweease play Barbies now?"

I laughed, "Of course."

As I watched her play Barbies, I realized how smart she really was. I know it was an odd time to find out her intelligence but she made these dools talk like real adults. My baby really knew more than I thought.

I hated her not knowing who her mother was. It killed me because I never wanted for my kid to have to go through what I went through. My whole life I promised myself that. But I did my duty, it's just her mother didn't. I sighed.

"Daddy, your not playing!" she shoved the doll in my face and I took it from her.

"Sorry," I replied, and snapped out of my thoughts.

I just shook my head to myself and smiled. I could smile 'cuz I knew she was going to turn out fine. When she gets a little older, I'll tell her the real story but not now. Or anytime soon.

I knew that the sun had just risen because the house was still pretty dark but you could see a tinted glow seeping through the blinds. I looked to my left and the clock read, 5:48am. I sighed and realized I rarely slept in anymore.

I decided I'd might as well get up. I kind of liked those mornings where I could just sit by myself in my frickin' underwear and not having to worry about anything or anybody.

I got downstairs and started to make the coffee for the morning.

I loved the smell of coffee in the morning.

I heard claws tapping along the kitchen floor and saw Daisy circle around until she found a spot to lay underneath my feet. I reached down and patted her head real quick before getting up to make my cup of coffee.

I took a big sip of it and let the hot coffee slide down my throat. It was weird having Addy wake up so late... the whole reason I started waking up so early was because of her and now I'm up at the freakin' crack of dawn and she wakes up around 8. Except for some occassions... if she wets the bed or has a bad dream, she's usually up before me.

And I think this morning might be one of those occassions.

The pitter patter of her little socked feet jogging across the hardwood floor could be heard from the kitchen and I just smiled, waiting to see her arrival into the kitchen.

"Daddy!" she came and crawled into my lap, "I was so scared!"

I knew it. Bad dream.

"Aww... what happened, baby? It was just a dream."

"They took me away from you in my dream!"

I hugged her tightly. She dreamed about that? I had dreamed about those exact same things. I hated those... nightmares. Where I would be in a courtroom and they were dragging her away from me. I always had nightmares about that.

"Daddy's right here, baby," I kissed her forehead, "Let's get your mind off of it. You need a bath and then we'll go to the park, okay?"

She still looked upset but she nodded, "'Kay."

___

"Do the voices, do the voices!" she screetched from the tub as I sat on the floor, holding two Barbie dolls.

"Hi, I'm Barbie... wait a minute," I cleared my throat and started speaking in a high pitch voice, "Hi, I'm Barbie."

Adelynn started giggling.

"There we go. That voice is better, right?"

She nodded and continued laughing at me.

In a really low voice, I said, "And I'm Ken."

I went back to my regular voice, "Did you wash your toes?"

"Uh-huh!" she giggled and held up her foot to prove what she did.

I acted like I tried to think about it, "Did you... wash... your... butt?"

She started laughing ridiculously hard and pointed to her butt, "Yeahhh!"

I just smiled at her and gave her a 'knuckle sandwich.' "Then let's get you out of this tub... and go to the park!"

"The park?!" she asked excitedly.

"The park," I confirmed.

I helped her out of the tub and wrapped a towel around her, "Go to your room and start getting yourself dressed. I'll be in my room getting myself dressed," I grinned.

She disapeared down the hallway into her bedroom.

_______

I loved watching Adelynn play in the park. It made me feel like such a normal person and not this big celebrity everone made me out to be. Sitting here, watching my daughter run around and interact with other kids, was probably the highlight of my life.

I wasn't AJ McLean, the Backstreet Boy, around Addy. I was just Alex... I was daddy to her. I didn't have to please anyone but her. I was good being in the public eye, because I was good at faking smiles and pretending like everything is okay. I'm a social butterfly, as Brian calls me.

That's not really me, though. I get pretty insecure about myself... alot. But when it's just me and Adelynn, it's like everything is okay. Even when we have fights... she is my daughter, and she is only four years old, so there's always temper tantrums.

That's why I get scared when I'm in a relationship. I get scared accepting Amanda into my life, because I do love her. I just don't want anything to happen, or anything to change. It scares me.

"I don't want you to leave!" Addy screamed desperately, pulling on my shirt, with tears streaming down her face.

Oh my God, I hated to see her like this. I hated this. She was literally pulling my shirt off, and everytime I pryed her little fingers off they seemed to reattach. I was trying to calm her down... I set my bags down on the ground and embraced her in a tight hug.

The shoulder of my shirt was soaked with tears. Looking at her face made me want to cry... I didn't wanna leave her. But I had no choice.

"Shh... shh...," I held her in my arms, "You know I'll be back. And you know I call you everyday, sweetiepie."

"No!!" she screamed desperately and began to choke on her own tears.

"Honey, your daddy has to go now...," Dana said as she touched Addy's shoulder, trying to get her to budge.

She was hanging on tight, almost choking me to death.

"Honey, I have to go...," I kissed her cheek one last time, "Grandma's gonna come visit you too."

I noticed the driver who was waiting for me kept glancing down at his watch. He was obviously in a hurry, and I hoped I would catch my plane on time.

I began to let go and she cried, "Nooo!"

Dana had to hold her back as she screamed and cried. I looked at Dana and gave a reassuring smile and then saw Addy's tears pouring down and told her, "I love you."

"Don't leave!"

And I had to do it... I had to hop into the back of the car, close the door, and drive away with my daughter furiously screaming for me. This was not fun.

I was supposed to be gone for a week, seven days without Adelynn. I almost couldn't imagine it... since the past six months we've been together so much. We were going to begin work on our new album, and I had to be there.

Oh, God... what was I going to do when I had to leave for tour again? Sure, she would be there for probably half the tour, but the road is not the place for a little girl. There's so much traveling in this job, you never stay in the same place for more than a few days.

"Doesn't want you to leave, huh?"

I jumped out of my thoughts and looked up at the driver, "I'm sorry, what'd you say?"

"I said she doesn't wanna leave you, huh?"

I slightly chuckled, "Yeah, it's hard. I've really been at home for the past six months with her so me leaving town for a week is a big deal. I'm gonna miss her, though."

"She a Daddy's little girl or something?" he laughed, keeping his fix on the road, "Where's her mother?"

I was almost shocked by his question. Since most people had already heard the story and just didn't ask, or people wouldn't ask to be nice.

"I'm sorry, that came out rude," he replied, "I don't want to pry."

"No, no, your okay... just surprised me. Most people have already heard the whole story, you know?"

"I understand," he nodded.

"She passed away."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he responded.

"No, don't be. I never really knew her mother... it was a one night thing. She tried to kidnap her and everything when she was still a baby. Messed up story... but she's gone now."

"Oh, wow."

Then there was an uncomfortable silence. Like he didn't know what else to say or ask.

"I have a daughter," he finally broke the silence.

"Oh yeah?" I asked.

"Yeah. Alot bigger than yours, though. She's 15 now. Hellmaker... let me tell you."

I laughed a little bit, but it was an uneasy laugh. How could he sit here and call his daughter a hellmaker?

"How so?"

"Oh, lots of things. When me and her mother got divorced she kinda went crazy. Not literally... just turned into a brat. Sneaking boys in the house, always getting trouble in school. We're trying to make her see what she's doing. I don't get to see her much anymore, I really miss her," he sighed and I kinda felt bad for him.

Damn. I had forgotten about all the stories I'd heard about girls being so much trouble and all. I really hope Addy wouldn't turn out like that. End up hating me or something... I don't know what I'd do with myself.

I saw we had pulled up to the airport, "Thanks for the ride."

I then handed him a tip and got out of the car, greeted by a couple of fans who I signed some autographs for.

I noticed the driver hadn't left yet and he just looked over at me and got ready to get in his car when I saw him wave me over. I walked back over to the car quickly and he just shook my hand, "By the way, I just realized who you were and... and.... it would be cool if you give me an autograph for my daughter. Maybe it might make her, you know, not hate me."

I smiled at the man for a moment before saying, "Sure, man. No problem. No problem at all."

"Thanks alot."

I signed a piece of paper he had handed me and gave it back to him.

"Can you tell her that I think her dad's a pretty cool guy?"

He chuckled slightly, "Like she'll believe that."

"Well, I better catch my plane. It was nice meeting you, and I wish your daughter best."

I walked off and tried to hurridly catch my plane.

"Your WHAT?" I looked at this woman in the eyes that I barely knew as she told me something I didn't want to hear. "When... when?" was all I could spit out.

Her hands wouldn't sit still, and she kept playing with the variety of rings and jewelry on her fingers.

"The due date, you mean?" she asked.

I just gulped and nodded.

"September 4th."

This was unbelievable. It happened too quick, how could this have happened? A one night stand. How did she even find me? We must've traded phone numbers and I had just forgotten.

"What... what are you gonna do?"

"I can't do this," she began to cry. "I can't be a mom. I'm having an abortion."

I felt bad. I mean, sure, I had only met her once. But she was amazing that one night and to see her in this state of mind, and carrying my child, was scary.

"An abortion?" I asked.

"You know where they..."

"I KNOW what an abortion is. We can't... you know, do that. It's like murder."

"This isn't YOUR body, Mr. AJ McLean!" she shouted and I was taken back.

So I did what almost any man would do in that situation. I walked away from the situation. I walked out of the room at that very moment and just left.

I opened my eyes up. I hated myself for that. I hated myself for not being there through most of the pregnany, and I hated myself for just...a lot of things. Stuff could've been different.

I went and saw her four times while she was pregant. Four times. First, I thought she was getting an abortion... I mean, that had been her plan. But when I found out she was three months pregnant still and hadn't got an abortion, I went to see her right away. I spent the night over her house for two nights in a row.

Those nights were when I found out all I needed to know about Claire. She was ignorant, loud and had a smartmouth and she was just plain weird. I couldn't believe she was the girl I ended up getting pregnant.

Those two nights, though, I mainly found myself constantly rubbing her stomach or listening to it while she was sleeping.

There was never a relationship between me and Claire. I was doing it because I felt like I had to. I felt like if I had knocked somebody up, the least I could do was be there.

"Aje?"

...I thought that the more time...

"Aje?"

"What?" I snapped at whoever was interuppting my thoughts.

Kevin walked over and placed a cellphone on the table in front of me, "Your cell was ringing. Addy wants to talk to you."

"Oh," I replied, "Sorry."

I then placed the phone up to my ear.

"Is he there yet? Dana... why can't I hear anything? It don't work!"

I chuckled, "Addy!"

"DADDY!" she had finally heard my voice.

"Why are you doing, baby?" I asked her in a low, soft-spoken voice.

"Getting ready for my bath. What time is it there, huh?! Is it different than ours?!" she asked, excitedly.

I laughed, "It's about 6 o'clock here."

"Oooh it still dinner time 'dere, huh?"

"Yes it is," I chuckled.

"I want you back home!"

"Soon, baby. I promise you, okay?"

"Okay."

I saw Brian peek his head into my room and whisper, "Bone... they need us in the studio now."

I nodded and held up pointer finger and mouthed, "1 minute."

"Hey, sweetie. Daddy will see you very soon, I promise. You keep being a good girl for Dana, and I have to go, okay?"

'Aww, no."

"I love you," I told her, "Sleep tight."

"Don't let the bed bugs bite," she finished for me and she giggled, "Bye!"

"Hey Dana, I'm finished with..." Click.

I shook my head and chuckled. I love that little girl...

Oh, man... Amanda...

"Amanda, I'm sorry I haven't called you...,"

All I heard was a sigh, "It's okay."

"And I'm sor-"

"Don't be sorry," she interuppted me, "I hear that word from you too much. Your always sorry. Look, I think... I think me and you should take a break, like you've always wanted. Okay? Just a break... not a break-up."

I was shocked. She didn't wanna be with me anymore? Had I really done that much wrong?

"Take... a break?"

"Yeah."

"What did I do?"

"Just... do one thing for me. Worry about yourself, okay? Not me. Yourself and your daughter. You don't need me in your life, I'm just a bother. I love you."

She hung up. She hung up... how could she just hang up? Leaving me with nothing. This was by far the most confusing relationship I'd ever been in. One day we wanted to work things out and now she's breaking up with me.

Maybe it would be better.

I groaned and crawled into bed. I was exhausted... we had been working all day. Now this. I can't deal with this. I can't handle not having a girlfriend in my life, and I hate that. I should be fine with this, it could be a good thing, right?

It's not like we had anything really "special." But I think I did love her. I also think I'd work this out when I get back in town... or atleast wait 'till morning. I sighed and my eyes began to close, but I blinked quickly and re-opened them. This ceiling was really dirty... there was alot of spots on it. I began counting and faded out for about fifteen minutes.

My phone... my damn phone was ringing again.

I groaned and stretched my arm over to the endtable, then finally reached the vibrating cellphone.

"Hello?" I answered in a grougy voice, not even looking at the caller id.

"Daddy?" I heard a whisper through the reciever.

I immediately sat up in my bed and reached over to flick the light on. My hand ran through my hair, to attempt to wake myself up.

"What's wrong, baby?"


"I had a really bad nightmare 'gain."

She was crying, oh man. I hated when she cryed over the phone because I wasn't there to comfort her or give her a hug.

I'm glad she had remembered what I had told her about the speed-dial number on the home phone to call me.

"Are- are you okay? Where are you?"

"Upstairs in your room."

"Where's Dana, honey?" I wondered.

"In her room. Daddy, I don't wanna go in there. I want you!" she cried.

"Sweetie, if you get scared just go into Dana's room. Everything's fine okay? Do you want me to be there in the morning?"

"Yes."

I sighed, "I'll be there but you have to go to sleep quick or else I won't come."

"Okay."

"Goodnight, and go to sleep."

"'Kay."

"Love you."

"Wuv you, too."

I hung up the phone and sighed. Why? I give in so easily. But I feel bad and I want to be there for her... she misses me. And I miss her.

I called immediately and booked a flight out for 3am. It was now 10pm. I didn't even bother packing a bag or anything, I would just go out there and pick her up.

I had decided to just bring her with me for the rest of the week. We had three days left here and then we were heading back home for a little while, then starting it up again. From now on... I just need to bring her with me.

I called up Kevin's cellphone and it went straight into voicemail, "Hey, man. I know you and Kristin are probably gettin' jiggy with it trying to produce a little Richardson or something but I'm taking a flight back home at 3am and getting Addy and coming back. She's upset and.. yeah. Call me."

I hung up the phone, satisfied with my message. I couldn't help but laugh at myself... my messages were sometimes a little wacko. Especially when I'm this tired and I'm getting ready to be on a plane. I hate planes and flying all together.

My anxiety was definitely getting the best of me. So I searched through my bag looking for the bottle of my pills. My anxiety medicine. It really did calm me down, surprisingly. I hated how when you used to be a drug addict and an alcoholic, you end taking more drugs, really. All the shit the doctor gives you that your supposed to take for the rest of your life. Of course, it's a prescription drug.

I poured a glass of water and swallowed the pill quickly.

I picked up my little bookbag to bring with me on the plane and began heading out the door.

"Hey girly," Brian reached down and gave Addy a high-five.

She just grinned shly and then Nick rubbed the top of her head, "What's up, Addy?"

I made a shocked look on my face, "You! You messed up her hair!"

I laughed and Nick just smiled, "Nah, she's not one of those girly-girls."

"Oh, believe me. She's converting into one."

"Oh no!" Nick laughed and Addy just ignored us all.

"Alright, you gotta promise us all that you'll be a good girl in the studio, right? You'll be quiet and won't interupt?" I looked at her.

She nodded, "Uh-huh."

"Good girl," I gave her a kiss on the cheek.

She skipped to the other side of the room to bug Kevin, who was sitting at a table working on his song. And I knew he didn't want to be distracted because he kept furiously tapping his pencil and chewing on the ends of it, as if he couldn't think of a word or something.

So I let her keep walking. I think it's, personally, funny when Kevin gets irritated. I laughed to myself.

Addy poked his stomach.

"Huh?" he asked, not even looking up from the paper.

"Whatcha doin'?" she asked, trying to peek up at his paper.

"Nothing, sweetheart," he continued his thinking process.

"Uncle Kev, why you keep making a mean face?"

"I'm working," he finally looked down at her and then up at me, "AJ... a little help here?"

He scratched the back of his head and bit on the end of the pencil again.

"Why you not look at me?" Addy asked, with eyes full of questions as to what Kevin was doing.

"Please GO!" he shouted out of nowhere, pointing towards the other direction.

I was shocked. He had never yelled at her like that before... I saw the tears coming in her eyes.

"You fucking bastard, you made her cry!" I shouted to him and walked over to pick Adelynn up and comfort her. She layed her head down on me and tried to hold back the tears, but they wouldn't stop.

He finally broke away concentration from the song, "I'm... I'm sorry."

"Is that all you can fucking say?" I asked, "You don't scream at MY daughter and get away with it, Kevin!"

All the other guys faces were directed towards me. Nobody knew what to say. Brian came over and held his arms out, "Let me hold her, Aje. You can't be screaming in front of her like that."

I handed Addy to Brian and just took a deep breath and tried to keep my cool. I stared directly into Kevin's eyes, "Don't ever speak to her like that again."

I barged out of the room, leaving them all to think what they wanted. I knew Kevin got in his moods, but he cannot take it out on Addy. No fucking way am I gonna let him.

I saw Howie come running after me, "AJ! Aje, man... he's sorry. Come back in the studio, please."

"I don't wanna see him right now." I continued walking.

"Please. AJ, come on."

I sighed and slowed down my pace, turning towards Howie, "He fucking made her cry."

"And he's sorry. He didn't mean to," Howie gave me a reassuring smile, "Won't happen again."

"Alright, but I'm still not talking to him."

Howie just started laughing. I gave him a look, "What the hell are you laughing at?"

"You."

"What'd I do?"

"Your such a baby," he kept laughing and started walking back towards the studio.

"Whaatt? Whyy?" I threw my hands up in the air in dispute and chased after him, "Whhyy, Howie?"

"I'm sorry, AJ."

I looked up from my magazine that I was reading and faced Kevin, his pleading eyes staring into mine.

"I know ya are," I replied, harshly. More harsh than I wanted it to come out.

Kevin sighed, shrugged, and then took a seat on the end of my hotel bed. "What else do you want me to say?"

I put my magazine down, and stood up from my chair, "I dunno, Kevin.... I just... that's fucked up. She's a four year old little girl. My little girl. And you, of all people, should not make her cry."

"I know. I'm sorry, AJ. I really am. I was having a shitty day, and I didn't mean to come out and yell like that. I knew it was a mistake the second after I raised my voice."

I just nodded. I forgave him... I mean, it wasn't life threatening. No harm was done. Addy had forgotten all about it, so I should too. He was the one who, afterall, had pretty much saved my life. Many times. Back in the day, if it wasn't for Kevin, I probably wouldn't be alive today. So I figured I'd let this go.

"So when did this happen?" Kevin chuckled as he shook his head.

"What happen?" I questioned.

"This," he held his hands out, pointing at me, "You becoming the big brother, the responsible one... giving ME a lecture."

I grinned and shrugged, "Nah, you'll always be the big brother."

"Where's the little one, anyways?"

"Brian's hotel room with Baylee," then I laughed a little bit, "Who would've thought... when we were getting started that it would be like this. When I was the little 15 year old kid, on the road, having a ball, turning into a druggie alcholic and now look at us..."

"I know, it's crazy," Kevin added in.

"We've got two little Backstreet kids on the road with us... you've got a wife and Brian's happily married, and Howie's got a beautiful fiancee."

All the sudden I heard stomps coming through the room and I got up to see Baylee chasing Addy through the suite. She was screaming as she ran along and Baylee made monster noises, following close behind her.

"Woah, woah..." I laughed and ran to go join along in the fun.

I acted like I was going to run into her and she screamed again. All it sounded like was a big giggle fit. I fell on the floor and layed on my back, and Addy crawled on top of me. Then Baylee, who was a pretty big boy, climbed on top of me aswell.

"I got you, Uncle AJ!" he shouted, pretending to punch me. Thank God he was pretending, I laughed.

"Oh, careful, careful," I blocked my crotch from getting any permanent damage from the two monsters themselves.

"Alright, alright....that will be enough, children," I turned my head and saw Brian pretending to be all stern and strict, which I knew he was completely kidding.

He laughed, "Baylee... come on, bud. Stop killin' your uncle AJ, he's too old for that."

Addy and Baylee both jumped off of me and I breathed heavily, "Excuse me... Baylee, you know your daddy there is even older than me."

Baylee pointed at Brian and laughed, and then Brian started tickling him.

I looked at Adelynn, all tired and out of breath from playing her little heart out. I smiled, this is what life was really all about. My family. This, right here, is my life. And I love it.

"Thanks for taking her, Mom," I set Addy's bag of stuff down on the floor and watched her run off into the living room to play with my mom's dogs.

"It's no problem, Alex. I miss my grandbaby... you've kept her away from me for too long," she playfully slapped my arm and gave me a kiss on the cheek, "Have a fun time."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, because the dates that Nick sets me up on are always so fun."

"Oh, you'll have fun, and you know it. You look extra nice tonight," she smoothed out the front of my shirt, "Next time you need to stay with Addy at my house. You know, I miss my son, too."

I smiled, "I know, Mom."

"Addddyyy??" I called out, wondering where she could've wandered off to already, "I'm leaving!"

I heard her running from somewhere and suddenly she appeared in front of me. I smiled and bent down to kiss her cheek, "I love you, baby. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Okay, Daddy," she smiled and gave me a big hug before running off again.

My mom just shook her head and laughed.

"Maybe my momma could make some of her famous bacon and eggs in the morning," I grinned.

"You mean famously bad?" she rolled her eyes.

"Nooo... your cooking's great," I said, sarcastically. I loved getting on her about her cooking.

"I think take out would be better," she replied, "Now go... before your late."

"I'm goin', I'm goin'," I acted offended that she was shooing me off.


By the time I pulled up to the restaurant, I noticed I was right on time. I hope she wasn't one of those girls who always had to be somewhere an hour ahead of time or something. I had no idea who Nick had decided to set me up with... I hoped it wasn't a joke or something.

I walked up to hostess, "Reservations for McLean, please."

I saw her punch some buttons in her computer and grab two menus, "Follow me."

Holy shit... she has a nice ass.

Ok, bad. Don't look at the hostess on the way to a date.

She seated me at the empty table, and I was thankful I was the first one out of us here. I dressed real nice tonight, and wore my best jewerly and did my hair, that I still have left, pretty nice.

I was completely shocked when I saw who was walking in. There was NO way. No way in hell. When I saw the waitress bringing her directly to my table, I knew it must really be her.

I stood up out of my seat to greet her, "Stephanie?"

"AJ?" she greeted me with a big hug, "Oh my God, it's been so long!"

"Your telling me. Damn, girl... what were we? Like 15?"

She chuckled, "Something like that. So who excatly set this all up? My friend Chrissy set me up, but how'd they make this happen?"

I was in shock. She was my first love, man. Back when I was around 14 and 15 years old. I loved this chick.

"Well, Nick... Nick's the one that set me up. I guess Nick and Chrissy know each other?"

She shrugged, "Who cares. I can't believe I'm seeing you right now!"

"I know, this is insane," I finally realized we were still standing, "Let's have a seat." I pulled out a chair for her, and she sat down.

I was silently thanking myself for spending so much time trying to make myself look good. I wanted to make a good impression... I mean I hadn't seen her since I was like 18. And I hadn't actually hung out since we were around 15 years old.

"So what's new?" she asked.

"Well, Backstreet's still goin' strong..."

"I heard all about everything. I'm really proud of you, AJ... for the rehab thing all those years ago. I mean, I haven't talked to you since and I've been wanting to tell you so much."

"Me, too. There's so much to tell you. Did you even know that I have a daughter?"

She had a shocked look on her face, "Whaat? Since when? Alexander, we have alot of catching up to do."

As I sat on my couch, sitting close to Stephanie, I was staring at her as she talked. I knew it wasn't polite to stare, but... it had been so long and it was so weird watching her now. I still saw, in my head, a 15 year old girl with braces in her mouth and an innocent face.

"Hellloo? Earth to AJ?" she waved her hands in front of mine and I snapped out of it.

"Sorry," I replied.

"Were you even listening to a word I said?" she laughed.

I just grinned, "Nope, not really."

"Well, tell me about you. What's been up the past 15 years or so?"

"Well the past four years, I've been pretty much raising my daughter," I reached into my pocket to grab my wallet.

"Right here," I held out a picture of Adelynn and me that I always carried with me, "That's my girl."

She stared at it for a while and then smiled, "She looks alot like you. She's a cutie."

"Awww... you called me cute," I grinned.

"Don't get too used to it," she winked.

"Oh, I could get used to it," well that slipped out, but I quickly finished, "If you let me."

She looked at me for a moment, "Are you..."

"Yeah, I wanna be... I wanna get to know you again."

She just grinned, "Maybe we can make that happen."

I nodded and looked her up and down, "Yeah, I'd like to try."

"You live around here now or what? You wanna crash at my place?"

"Yeah, I'd love to crash here. I don't have any other clothes or anything..."

"Don't worry 'bout that, I got shitloads of t-shirts and shorts you can wear to bed. And in the morning, you can come to my mom's with me to pick up Addy. Maybe we can get some breakfast somewhere."

Shit, was I moving too fast? I mean, it had been years since I'd seen her until tonight and I'm already inviting her to meet my mom again and meet my daughter, and inviting her to breakfast.

I always do this to myself, I go too fast. Too fast.

"I'd love to."



The next morning, I hopped out of bed quickly. It was weird with Addy not being here, coming in my room all jumping on top of me. And I knew Stephanie was right in the next room.

You don't even know how bad I wanted her to come sleep in here with me. Not sleep together... it just would've been nice to wake up to a woman in my bed. Someone I could wrap my arms around in the morning, I missed that.

I got ready pretty quick, too. I think I was just anxious to spend more time with Steph.

I got the in the shower, shaved and got dressed. Then I lit up a cigarette. That was my schedule every day. Everything after that was hectic, that was the only scheduled stuff in my life.

I cracked open the door and saw Stephanie fast asleep, in my clothes. One of my big t-shirts and a pair of my black Nike sweatpants. I opened the door all the way up and turned all the lights on.

"WAKE UP!!" I screamed, and started laughing when I saw her jump out of bed the fastest I've ever seen anyone jump out of bed.

"AAAJJJJJ!" she screamed, "Don't do that to me!"

I just kept cracking up, "Sorry.. it was hilarious."

"Good God, don't do that ever again!" she finally took a deep breath and laughed.

"You know it's funny," I patted the bed, "Now hurry up, wake up... I'll leave without you."

I smiled to myself as I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me.

She actually got ready pretty quick, and I wondered if she actually thought I would leave her. I laughed.

"That was fast," I looked at her and sat down on my leather sofa, puffing out cigarette smoke.

"Yeah, well you did wake me up as if you were in a hurry."

I just shrugged and threw my cigarette out in the ashtray, "Nah, no hurry here. She's just at my mom's house. I could pick her up at 8 tonight if I wanted to."

I stood up from my spot on the couch, "But if your ready, let's head out... I'm getting bored here."

She just shook her head and laughed, "I'm ready when you are."

"What do you think your laughing at, little one?" I smiled and knudged Addy.

"Your funny, Daddy!"

"Why am I so funny?" I asked.

"Your face is funny..."

"Well tell me something new," I laughed, then I felt my face and remembered I shaved off most of my goatee. "Ohh... that's right. Daddy shaved his mustache off. You noticed, huh?"

"You look different!" she giggled.

Well I didn't realize it was that funny.

I patted my lap and she climbed up in it, "So, how do you like Stephanie?"

"She's cool... she can draw good!"

"Can she?" I looked down at her cute little face.

Daisy came walking into the living room and laid underneath our feet. Addy's feet were hanging off the couch, because they couldn't reach the ground and the dog licked her toes.

She started giggling away, "Stop, Daisy! Stop!"

I watched her giggle for a couple minutes but finally shooed the dog off of her feet. I held her close and kissed her forehead, "So... you like Stephanie?"

"Yeah, I guess so. Why, Daddy?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, baby. Just making sure you like her."

"Will you draw this for me?" she held out her kid's book and I looked at the character. I sighed, "Maybe you better save this one for your uncle Nicky. I can make ya some stick figures?"

She just grunted and climbed off my lap, "You never draw, Daddy."

I laughed, "Give me a break... I do everything for you. Don't even tell me I never draw for you."

She walked upstairs pouting and I just shook my head. She would have her moments sometimes and throw temper tantrums like that just out of the blue. I always just laughed 'em off because she would come downstairs ten minutes later and be back to normal.

I heard a knock on the door, and got up from my spot on the couch. It was Dana, thank God.

"Dana!" I greeted her, "Thank God!"

"What did you do now, Alex?" she crossed her arms.

I just shrugged, "Nothing. Just was looking forward to your wonderful dinner tonight... been eating take-out so much."

"What did I tell you about that?" she invited her self in and closed the door behind her, "You need cook good meals for your daughter."

She said 'daughter' funny, and other certain words would come out cute because of her Spanish accent.

"Hey I do cook for her!" I defended myself in a humorous way, "I mean like grilled cheeses, hamburger helper, mac & cheese.. that kind of shi.. crap."

She just smiled and nodded, "What would you like tonight?"

She had already started shuffling and rearranging in the kitchen, and I took a seat on the barstool to watch and think about what I wanted to eat.

"Cook whatever. That chicken stuff you do is always excellent, and I'm probably expecting a little, uh, company."

"A woman, eh?" she grinned.

I could tell my face got a little flush, but it wasn't as if I was embarrased. I was more embarrased for the fact that she probably thought I was some damn pimp with a new woman all the time.

"Yes, a woman. Just a friend. From a long time ago... I met her when I was around 15."

"Ah, yes, one of those."

I just looked at her and didn't ask anymore questions. I didn't really know what she meant by that.

She stopped when she was doing and I saw her thinking. "Ah... Alex. I have your video you wanted. For your... what do you call it? For your video camera."

"Oh, the blank DVD?"

"Yes, that."

"Thanks a bunch, Dana."

"It's over in that bag by the front door. I remembered you saying you needed more tape."

"I did," I got up off the barstool and over to the front door. I started digging through the plastic bag and found it.

I took it and jogged up the stairs, then quickly put it in the video camera. I tip-toed into Addy's room and saw her playing with her Barbies. I smiled to myself and hit the 'record' button on the camera.

She was making the Barbie dolls talk.

"You don't have a mommy either? Everyone else usually does. I want a mommy sometimes, too. All the other girls in daycare have mamas. I don't know why I don't, I just don't know."

My smile quickly faded and I turned the camera off, just to try to listen to her for a minute.

"My friend Briana has a nice mommy. She says its weird to only have one parent. I didn't think it was weird, did you, Barbie? I thought I was 'sposed to only have a daddy."

Sadness washed over me, and I just bit my lip because I wanted to go in and hug her. But I thought it might make her more upset, so I tried to let it go. And I just tip-toed back out of the room, and back down the stairs. I needed to get her a mommy, or atleast a woman in her life.

I decided to make a trip to my mom's house while Addy was at daycare. She was constantly calling me and wanting me to come over and visit, and I needed her right now. As much as I hated asking for help, I didn't know what to do with myself. Ever since I heard Addy in her room the other day, I'd been worried as shit.

I get myself worked up over dumb stuff that I shouldn't. But I've felt like screaming for the past couple of days and just letting everything out - all my frustrations. I didn't know what to do anymore these days. I couldn't find a good girl, I was trying to be the best father I could be but I always feel like I'm not doing good enough.

I pulled into my mom's driveway and got the key from under the mat to unlock the door.

"Mom?" I called out as I closed the door behind me.

"Mom?" I yelled once again.

"Alex!" she appeared from out of the kitchen, "What are you doing here? I wasn't expecting you."

She walked up and grasped me in a hug. And for the first time in a long time, I held on to her tightly for a long while. It wasn't the usual quick hello hug.

"What's wrong?" she looked into my eyes, "Your eyes... your worried."

She could always tell. Ever since I can remember, she could look at my eyes and see if something was wrong.

"I... I don't know," I told her, "That's the thing."

I walked over and sat myself on her couch, my fist was clenched in a ball as I just thought about to even say. The truth was, I didn't know what I had come here for. I didn't know what I wanted to say, or what I wanted her to say.

"I heard Addy playing with Barbies the other night... she was talking and saying she had no mommy and she wanted one and her friend told her it was weird to not have one and..."

She sat down next to me and placed her hand on mine, "Honey, your fine."

"No, I'm not fine... I'm fucking not and it's pissing me off. Why am I not fine? I don't understand. It was a simple thing... it's no wonder she wants a mom. I just never expected it or something, I don't know. We've been just us two for so long, and I try to accept a woman in my life but I can't. No one's EVER good enough! I find the prettiest, nicest, smartest women and I always screw up! Look at the mother of my child for Christ's sake!"

"Calm down, Alex. I understand what your saying," she squeezed my hand, "But look how far you've come. Look at your life. Really sit back and look at your life. Can you tell me your not happy with it?"

I just shook my head.

"And yes, Claire was... physco but look what came out of it. My beautiful granddaughter."

"I worry about that sometimes... about how she'll be when she grows up. I hope it's nothing like her mom."

"You can't worry so much about that stuff, Alex. Just let her be who she is. She's four years old, she'll grow into herself. I think she'll be an amazing woman one day just because of the man who raised her," she smiled and I gave her one back.

"You don't need a woman in your life as much as you think you do. You've always thought that, since you were 17 years old. You've always felt like you needed to be in a relationship."

"But for Addy..."

"Don't worry about Addy," she added in, "She's perfectly fine with just you. Believe me."

I smiled, "If you say so."

"So when your ready to be in a relationship, go for it. But don't do it just to find Adelynn a mom. She needs two happy people in her life."

I got up from my spot on the couch and gave my mom a kiss on the cheek, "Thanks, Mama."

"I'm just glad you actually came to me."

"It took alot, so you should be glad," I winked and she just grinned.

"I'm going to pick up Addy at her school now," I told her, "I needed to relax." I took a deep breath and picked up my keys.

"Love you, mom," I began walkng towards the door.

"I love you, too."

I feel like I got worked up for nothing at all. I hate how my mom does that to me. She makes me feel like I was fine to begin with, and never should've worried about it in the first place. I shrugged, whatever she does works because I feel so much more relaxed now.

I hopped in my car, and began to drive off to pick up the little girl that causes me all this worry. I chuckled to myself.

"Happy birthday!!" I ran into Addy's room, early in the morning, with a birthday hat on my head.

She started rolling around in her bed, since she was just waking up, and she peeked open her eyes and grinned at me.

"Happy birthday to yooouuu," I started singing to her, "Happy birthday to Addyyyy. Happy biiiirrtthhdaayy to you and you and you and you," she started giggling as each time I poked her in the stomach. I always had my own spin on the Happy Birthday song.

She laughed and I bended over and gave her a big hug and a kiss on the cheek, "Happy birthday, you big five year old."

"I'm five!" she screamed.

"Yes you are, sweetie. Are you ready for your big party tonight?"

"Who coming?"

"Well, let's see... Uncle Nick, Brian, Kevin, Howie and Grandma, Baylee, Stephanie's gonna come, too. And I think Nick will bring his girl."

"What you mean his girl?"

I laughed, sometimes I talk to her like she's a little adult already.

"Nick's girlfriend. Or... flavor of the week," I grinned, knowing she had no idea what I was talking about.

"Oh," she replied, confused.

"So let's get you up, give you a bath, get you dressed, and we'll get ready for the big day."

"Yay!" she jumped out of bed.

I went downstairs, while she started getting herself dressed, and I called up Brian.

"Hey, did you get the cake yet?"

"Yes, I did. I got chocolate cake with vanilla icing, and it says Happy Birthday Addy on it. Is that good?" he asked.

"Perfect, her favorite."

"Alright, cool... see ya later then."

"See ya."

"Oh wait," Brian quickly interjected.

"Yeah?"

"I got her one of those life-size Barbies... does she have one of them yet?"

I just laughed, "Nope."

"Ok, good. See ya later."

I went over to sat down on the couch when I heard Addy screaming my name, "Dadddyy!!"

I sighed, I just sat down. "Yesss?" I yelled back up to her.

"I don't have no pants!" she shouted from the top of the stairs.

"Let me help you get ready..." I started walking upstairs.

____________________

Me, Howie, Nick, Brian and Kevin all sang Happy Birthday to her in harmony and we all dug into her cake. It had kind of become a ritual for us, all of her birthdays we would sing it in harmony to her. All nice and pretty, you know. Except one year Howie wasn't there to sing the high notes, but it worked out either way.

"Wanna open your presents?" I asked her.

"Yes!" she cheered.

I guided her to the big leather chair, which she sat in all to herself, and I handed her the first gift.

"This one's from..." I read the tag, "From Steph."

I looked over at Stephanie and gave her a look like 'what'd you get her?' She just grinned slyly and shrugged. I didn't know if she really knew what she liked and whatnot, but I was happy she got her a present.

"Daddy! LOOK!" she screamed, "A Barbie kareokee machine!"

I smiled, "Awesome, baby."

I gave Stephanie a shrug, "You did alright."

She finished opening up her presents over the next half and hour, and then we all just kind of hung around. Kevin and Howie were having a beer and, to be honest, it made me really crave one. I wanted to be able to just sit around and socially drink a beer, and I couldn't.

Everyone ended up leaving after a couple hours, and we all said our goodbyes. Except Stephanie. She was still here, and I was happy about that. Me and her were just sitting at my bar, chatting about random stuff.

"Daddy, I'm tired..." I felt Addy tugging on my leg.

I looked at my watch and noticed it was already 8 o'clock. I leaned over and lifted her up on my lap, "Your cute, you know that?"

"I know!" she giggled.

"Don't be so modest..." I kissed her forehead.

"She's aloud to be modest," Stephanie cut in, "She's beautiful."

Addy's face got all flush. She gets embarrased so easily.

"Alright, bed time, little one," I helped her off the barstool and began to lead her upstairs.

"I'll be back," I told Stephanie.


When I was tucking Adelynn in, she grabbed my face with both of her hands. I smiled as she squeezed my cheeks. "Is Stephanie sleeping over?"

"She might be, she might not be."

"Daddy, I don't want her to. Then I can't climb into bed with you if I'm scared."

"Yes you can, sweetie. I don't think Steph will be sleeping in my bed," I chuckled to myself.

"Ok, daddy. Night night."

I kissed her good-night and went back downstairs to be with Stephanie a little more. When I went to sit down next to her, I saw her move her beer bottle away from me.

"You know... you can drink. It's not a big deal," I shrugged, "It only bothers me sometimes. On bad days."

"I just... I wanna be respectful to you, Aje. I'm not gonna drink around you."

I just shrugged.

"Are you sleeping over tonight?" I asked her.

"If you want me to," she smiled, "Of course I will."

"I want you to."

That was the truth, I really wanted her to sleep over. I really wanted her to sleep with me, to be honest. But whichever way works, I smirked.

“Ajjee…” I heard Nick through the receiver of my cell phone.

“What, Nick?” I asked, wondering what he was trying to do now.

“I’m having a huge, kick ass party at my house tonight. You gotta be here. It’s not a party without the Bone.”

I sort of groaned, “How am I supposed to find a babysitter so quick?”

“What the fuck do you pay Dana for?” he asked me.

I sighed and realized he was right. I guess the truth was, I didn’t really want to party. I wasn’t into it at all anymore. But I hated being stuck at home all the time. I was bored, and a party might be fun for a change.

“Alright, I’ll give her a call.”

“Awesome, bro. There’s about 400 people expected.”

“400 people?! Fuck, Nick… when did you plan this?”

“Started to last week.”

I just shrugged, “Alright. I’ll be there.”

I gave Dana a call and she was perfectly fine with coming over around seven o’clock. It would be fun. It’s also nice to get out for a while. I picked up my phone and dialed her now familiar number.

“Steph?” I asked.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“Nick’s having some big party tonight. I’d rather not be a loner, care to join me?”

She just laughed, “Sure, of course I will.”

“Come to my house around 6, we’ll drive together.”

“Okay. See you then.”


I stood in my room for a good while, looking through my piles of clothes and figuring out what to wear. I think I’ll go for simple. Just a t-shirt with some nice jeans? Yeah, that’ll work. I decided on one of my t-shirts, and my Tommy Hilfiger jeans and I couldn’t forget my Rolex watch and a couple of my rings.

I was in the bathroom trimming up my beard when I heard Addy walk in.

“Daddy, your leaving?” she asked, sadly.

“Aw, just for a little bit, baby. I’ll be back home tonight. Dana’s coming over.”

“I don’t want Dana, I want you!” I saw one little tear drip down her cheek and it broke my heart.

I always felt bad because I felt like I was away from her enough just because of my job and I shouldn’t leave her for my own personal things but sometimes I just… needed to.

I bent down on one knee and opened my arms out, “Come here.”

She walked into my arms and stuffed her face into my chest, “Daddy, you promise you be back tonight?”

“I promise, sweetie.”

She just nodded and wiped her tears away.

“Do you wanna sit in Daddy’s room and watch my TV while I finish getting ready?”

She nodded her head ‘yes’ and I went in there and helped her turn on her channel. Then I went back into the bathroom to finish getting myself ready.

She made me feel terrible. Like I was the worst father in the world. But I felt like I had to please so many people. If I didn’t go to this party, Nick would’ve been mad at me and start giving me lectures. If I would’ve cancelled, Steph would be mad because she had gotten ready. I just didn’t like to disappoint anybody, and it was one of my weaknesses.

_______

“Alright, baby, give Daddy a hug,” I gave her a big hug and kissed her cheek, “Be good for Dana, okay?”

“Bye Addy,” Stephanie waved to her also.

Addy just sadly waved to the both of us and we headed out the door.

Once we got settled in my car, I turned up the radio station a little bit.

“AJ, you didn’t have to leave her, you know?” Stephanie told me.

“Why do you say that?”

“I could tell you didn’t want to, and she didn’t want you to go either.”

I sighed, “Yeah, I didn’t want to leave her. But I need to parties occasionally, you know? And I’m doing it for Nick, I turn him down so much. He’s still my little brother, you know?”

“Yeah. But I’m sure Nick understands your daughter is the number one thing in your life.”

I smiled, “Yeah she is.”

“And she’s always your number one priority.”

I just looked at Stephanie in the eyes. She knew. She hit the exact words, it was like she was reading me like a book.

“I love you, you know? I do. You know me… you know me like you did when we were still 15 years old.”

“I love you too, AJ.”

I pulled over the car and I just kissed her. I began kissing her all over, and I couldn’t stop. I reached under her shirt and she smiled.

We both began to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” we both asked at the same time.

I laughed again, “You’d think we were both sex crazed maniacs who have to stop their car on the side of the road to get some ‘cuz they can’t wait ‘till we get home.”

“AJ?”

“Yeah?”

“YOU are a sex-crazed maniac who pulled over on the side of the road because he couldn’t wait ‘till he got home.”

I just started laughing again, “Yeah, well, I don’t see you declining the idea either.”

“Just shut up,” she said and pulled my hair a bit when she pulled my face towards hers. I could feel her hand reaching toward my zipper, and I helped her find her way.

“I love you, I really think I do,” I whispered.


_______________

“I have an idea,” I told Stephanie, since we had been sitting in the car for about ten minutes just thinking about what had just happened, I guess. Atleast that’s what I was thinking about.

I hopped out of the car and grabbed a blanket from the back seat.

“What are you doing?” I heard her ask from the inside of the car.

“Just wait a minute,” I laid the blanket out on the grass and smoothed it out with my hands.

“Here, come out here,” I sat down on the blanket and patted the spot next to me. She grinned and sat down next to me.

“You have sex hair,” I laughed and fixed a few strands of her hair.

“Thanks to you,” she chuckled.

“Look at the stars,” I told her.

“They’re really bright tonight.”

“You know this sounds corny but I once told Addy that I’ll always be with her, because we’re all under the same stars. I’m always with her, if she just looks into the sky.”

“Maybe it is corny, but not when you say it,” she replied, “I remember Addy telling me something like that.”

“She told you?”

“Yep. That one night when you fell asleep on the couch, we talked. She’s sure a talker for a five year old. Takes after her Daddy on that one. And she’s like a little adult.”

“Yeah well she’s grown up around me and the fellas so most of her comes from us. That’s kinda scary, huh?” I smiled.

“Very scary.”

“I think she really does like you.”

“I hope so, but I’m not gonna force her into anything. And you better not either. I don’t even think you know how much she admires you.”

“That much, huh?” I asked.

“A lot. You should see the way she looks at you all the time. She may be young but I think she understands… I think she knows when your stressed out and when your busy. She understands you, just like you understand her.”

“Yeah, I guess we understand each other pretty well.”

My phone started vibrating in my pocket, “Nick, sorry buddy, I’m on the way.”

“What’s the hold up?”

“Got, uh, stuck on the side of the road with Steph. Be there in like 15 minutes.”

I don’t think Nick understood what I meant, but he let it slide. I would explain later.

“We better go.”

I packed up the blanket and helped Stephanie back in the car, as we headed towards Nick’s place.

The mall was packed today. I had definitely picked the wrong day to go shopping, but it was Stephanie’s birthday tomorrow and I wanted to get her something special. I had brought Addy shopping with me, she may be young but she was also a girl and might recognize the girly things more than I could.

I held onto her hand tightly as we walked through the large crowds of people. I had been stopped for a few autographs and whenever I was recognized, I seemed to become more protective of her.

“Daddy!” she screeched, and began pointing to a store, “Let’s look in that store!”

I saw tons of diamonds glowing from the store. It was a jewelry store.

I shrugged, “If you say so.”

And she tugged me along, pulling on my hand and almost dragging me in. I wasn’t really planning on getting her some so extravagant. It wasn’t that she didn’t deserve it, but we were only casually dating still. Atleast I think we were.

“You know, baby, I think we should go check out another store…”

“Whoa,” she pointed to the inside of the case, “Look at that ring.”

It was beautiful. It should be beautiful for the damn price of the thing. Nearly half a million dollars.

The last time I was in one of these stores, I was… getting engaged to Sarah.

“Can I help you, sir?”

I saw a lady from behind the counter looking at me.

“No, I think we’re good. My daughter here is, uh, just window shopping.”

“Are you sure you wouldn’t like to see anything?” she asked, once again.

I hated damn salespeople.

“I do!” Addy replied, wide-eyed at the jewelry.

“Addy, honey, it’s time to go,” I held out my hand, but she didn’t grasp onto it

“Well, what are you looking for?” the sales lady asked me.

“Just a birthday gift for my… girlfriend.”

“How about a nice necklace?”

“That might work better,” I smiled at her.

I don’t know why this store was making me so uncomfortable. I just kept thinking about Sarah, and everything that went wrong. How I thought I was so ready to get married and have commitment. I have my daughter now. I can’t be selfish. This store just smelled like commitment, and I didn’t want it.

“A necklace would be good…” I told her and we moved over to another counter to look at necklaces through the glass.

“I like that dat one!” Addy pointed towards a pretty heart-shaped one.

“I do, too, sweetie,” I grinned at her and then looked back towards the sales lady, “We’ll take this one, please.”

I had to sign a few papers about insurance on the necklace and such, and I could tell Addy was getting restless. She had started spinning around in circles in the middle of the store, as I signed some papers and listened to the lady talk.

“Addy, get over here, please,” I pointed next to me and she groaned and sat on the floor.

“Your totals $9125.90,” she rang me up and I hadn’t even really paid attention to the price. Well it wasn’t cheap, but it was nothing I couldn’t afford. Addy picked it out, after all.

I grabbed the bag and we walked out of the store, Addy holding onto one hand and the bag in the other. I couldn’t let go of either of them, I laughed.

“What would you like to eat, little one?” I asked her, looking down at her.

“Pizza!” she grinned up at me.

“Pizza it is,” I started towards the pizza place.

The food court in the mall was even more crowded. As we waited in line I saw some people stop and look at me. It made me uncomfortable with Addy with me. I never wanted her to feel weird; I wanted her to be normal.

I ordered two slices of cheese and we ended up finding a table. I sat her in the seat right next to me, and helped her cut her pizza up.

“Daddy, why are they staring at us?” she pointed towards a table of four girls about six tables away.

“I don’t know, baby.”

“Do they want you to write your name on a napkin again?”

I laughed, “Maybe they do. But they’re not getting anything yet because me and you are eating… and your hungry belly is more important right now.” I poked her stomach and she giggled a little bit.

“Do you think Stephanie will like our present?” she asked.

“I think so,” I smiled down at her, “She’d better.”

I laughed.

“You know what… Halloween’s coming up soon. In a couple of days. You need a costume.”

“Yeah!”


In the Halloween store, she was poking through lots of different costumes. Finally she came down to a decision – she was going to be a princess. A dead princess. I, personally, didn’t like the idea but she was dead set on it. Her face was going to be covered in fake blood.

“Daddy! You should be this!” she pointed towards a Phantom of the Opera mask and cape, “Just like dat thing you did on TV! That would be cool!”

I just laughed, “Maybe I will dress up for the hell of it.”

“Don’t say hell,” she scolded me and I tried not to laugh.

“I’m sorry.”

We bought all of our costumes and fake blood and headed out of the store.

“I think it’s time to go home, sweetie.”



As I was pulling up into the driveway, I noticed Stephanie’s car was here. I wonder why she’s here? Addy ran way ahead of me into the house as I lugged all of the bags with me.

“Steph?!” I called out, wondering where she could be.

I dropped the bags on the ground, “Steph?” I called her name once again.

“Addy, can you let the dog outside, please?”

She jogged over and opened the sliding glass door, letting the dog run out.

I went upstairs, still wondering where Stephanie was.

“Stephanie??”

Was that sobbing I heard coming from the bathroom? I ran quickly down the hallway and slammed open the bathroom door to witness Stephanie sitting in the corner of the bathtub, tears welling in her red eyes and the water looked like it had blood in it. The sight of her like that scared me shitless.

I ran over to her and put my arms around her as best as I could. She just laid her head on me and lifted her one arm out of the water to wrap around my shoulder.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” I asked, quietly, “We have to get you out of the tub… we have to go to the hospital.”

I quickly grabbed a towel and assisted her on getting out of the tub.

“He… he….” she stuttered as she shivered.

I wondered how long she had been in the tub. The water seemed to have turned cold.

“You know what, never mind. Let’s get some clothes on you first, and your going to the hospital.”

“He raped me.”

What? I asked myself.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to handle this. I paced back and forth in the waiting room of the hospital, holding a sleeping Addy in my arms. I was waiting for some news – I had never dealt with anyone close to me getting raped. I had no information right now, and it was making me go crazy inside.

Finally I saw a doctor walk out, “Mr. McLean, correct?”

“That’s right. What’s wrong, is she okay?” I frantically asked.

“Mentally, I’m not sure. In a situation like this, it usually takes a long time to heal. She’s capable of speaking; she’s fully of aware of her surroundings, but she’s telling us no information.”

I nodded, not sure how to take all of this in.

“Physically… she’s bruised up a bit but nothing that won’t heal within the coming weeks. But there’s a downside. According to some tests we did, we… we believe she may have been impregnated during the process of her rape. I have to ask you, sir, did you have any sexual intercourse with Stephanie recently?”

I looked down at Addy, who was still in my arms asleep, to make sure she was fast asleep. I nodded, “Yes. Yes we did. About four nights ago.”

“Then it’s not determined yet whether the baby is yours or his.”

I just put my hands on my face, and took in a deep breath. “When will you be able to determine?”

“We’re unable to tell yet, sir. I’m sorry. We’re not even 100% positive that she is pregnant yet. The tests haven’t been finalized. Within the next week, we should receive more information. Until then, all we can do is hope and pray.”

I nodded and just sighed. I can’t have another child right now, I just can’t. Why does this always happen to me?

I need to stop it now. I’m not the one who just got raped. Oh, shit, what to do… what to do.

“Does she know?” I had to ask.

“About the pregnancy?” the doctor asked.

I nodded.

“No,” he shook his head, “And it would be better if she didn’t for now.”

“Okay. Can I see her?”

“I suppose so. She is still in a state of shock right now, so anything will set her off. Would you like to leave her with me?”

I had almost forgotten Addy was still asleep in my arms. My arm had become almost numb from holding her so long.

“No, I’ll lay her down on a chair, thank you.”

He then led me towards the door. I saw her lying there, and it was as if she was sleeping but her eyes were wide open, staring off into something unknown.

“Steph?” I whispered, as I put Addy down on a hospital chair.

“Steph, it’s Alex,” I whispered again. I saw her head move a little bit, but she still didn’t say anything. And then suddenly tears poured from her face, “I feel so violated.”

I didn’t know what to say. I put my hand to hers, and for a split second she grabbed it, but then she quickly released.

“I can’t do it…” she pushed my hand away, “He… he touched me everywhere.”

“You know me, Stephy. It’s just Alex.”

“I know.”

“I won’t touch you, okay?” I told her warmly.

She nodded, “I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry for anything.”

“No, I should.”

“We’re going to get you through this,” I told her, “You’re going to be fine, you know?”

She just shook her head. I wanted to kiss her, hug her, hold her hand, anything… but I didn’t want her to freak out.

“Do you want me to stay here tonight?” I asked her.

She wiped a few tears falling down her cheeks, and held back the ones getting ready to come, “No, I’ll be okay.”

“You’re not okay. I’m not leaving you here.”

I saw a hospital blanket in the corner of the room and went over to put it on top of Addy. Then I sat down on the chair next to her, and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible.

“I’m sleeping here, no questions. I love you, Steph. People who love each other don’t leave during situations like this.”

I saw her nod and try to close her eyes. But I had a feeling the both of us wouldn’t be getting much sleep tonight.

"I'm what?!"

I knew this was coming. I knew she would flip out. I just had to sit back and watch her screaming at the doctor. I told him to wait. I told him to wait a little longer to tell her she was pregnant, but he didn't. He said he had to now, so she could have longer to make a decision.

"I want an abortion now. I'm not going to carry.... that man's child. I can't do it."

She began to cry. It was like she didn't know what to do or what to say, so she just cryed. I slowly approached her, and I almost went to lean over and hug her but I avoided.

"Baby... it might... it might be mine," I turned my head away, for fear of me beginning to cry. I had to be strong for her. It was hard to look at her in that state, though and stay strong. She looked horrible, and I had seen so many tears fall out of her eyes in the two days that she had been here. And when she wasn't crying, she was usually yelling.

"What?" was all she spat out.

"It could be mine, Stephanie."

"How...," she began to say but it seemed to register in her mind how it had happened.

"Don't get an abortion."

The doctor cut in, "Now remember you may not even be pregnant. The tests come in tomorrow that will show you for sure if your pregnant. Sleep on it." Then he looked over at me, "Both of you."

The doctor walked out of the room... leaving me to take care of her emotionally. Oh God, I didn't know what to do or say.

"AJ, I can't deal with this... I just can't. I can't have a baby," she started crying yet again, "I'm getting an abortion."

"Your not getting an abortion if it's my child... I've been through this before." I said that a little more harsh then I wanted it to be.

I sighed, "Let's just... wait until tomorrow, okay?"

She just nodded through her tears. She was so emotional, and I didn't know what to do. She had been raped. Violted. What can I say to her?

"Steph...," I whispered, "I got you something."

I reached into my pocket and grabbed the necklace that I had gotten the other day.

"Well, Addy actually picked it out..." I held the necklace out to her.

She smiled slightly and reached out for it. She took a look over it, "That's sweet."

I smiled at her, "I'm gonna help you through this, okay? I mean, I don't really know what to say but do you want to talk... about it?"

She shook her head, "I can't. It was... it was my fault."

"Your fault?" I questioned.

Her tears continued to pour down her face, "It was nothing. I'm going to be okay. I'm going to forget."

"Steph, that's something you can't just forget. I wanna help you."

"Don't. AJ, when I get out of this hospital... I'm leaving."

"Leaving?"

What was she talking about? What does she mean?

"I'm moving away from everything. Out of state. I.... I'm sorry."

"You don't know what your talking about... your not thinking straight. You don't feel good. Don't make that decision now... your grougy, you know. Your gonna stay here with me."

"No," she tried to spit out through her tears, "I'm leaving for good. You shouldn't have to deal with me. AJ, you don't even know me."

"I don't know you? I know you pefectly well. Steph... your scaring me. What are you talking about?"

"Just... know what I'm leaving."

I looked at her in her eyes, she knew what she was talking about. It was just that I didn't.

"Well I'm not leaving."

She looked at me with confusion, "What?"

"You may be leaving, but I'm not. Not until I find out if your pregnant, and most importantly, with my child."

"Please go, AJ," she closed her eyes for a brief second, and then opened them again.

I hoped maybe she was just really confused right now, and not knowing what to do. She needed me, I know she did. But I think I might just leave her by herself for a little bit. Maybe she just needed some time to think. Without saying anything, I walked out of her hospital room and left.




I arrived at my mom's house, and most of the lights were dimmed. It had gotten later than I thought and when I looked down at the clock it read 7:53pm.

I reached for the key under the doormat and let myself in her house. Then I locked the door back up behind me, and walked into the house. It seemed really quiet, except for the distant sound coming from the television in the living room. I walked in and saw my mom asleep in her lounge chair, with a dimmed light on next to her and an open book in her lap.

I wasn't about to wake her up, so I decided I'd find Addy. She was probably in her 'room' over here at my mom's house. My mom had pretty much set up a room for her with TV and everything. I quietly jogged up the stairs and I saw Addy sitting up in the bed, all by herself.

"Hey sweetie..." I whispered, and when I talked I realized my voice was hoarse.

"Daddy..." she whispered back, but didn't get up from her spot in the bed.

I slipped my shoes off and crawled into the bed with her and gave her a kiss on the forehead, "How's Daddy's Addy?"

"I'm all by myself, Daddy," she told me, sadly.

"Did Grandma fall asleep?"

She nodded and I just gave her a warm smile. I leaned my back against the headboard and she crawled up into my lap. And instead of her laying her head on me, I seemed to lean my head onto hers. She was all I had in this world. She took my hand and moved it for me, wrapping it around her.

She knew something was wrong with me. But I was glad I had my daughter, no matter what happens with Stephanie. I'll go back to the hospital tomorrow, find out more information, and I guess whatever Stephanie decides; it's decided.

When I arrived at the hospital the next morning, I saw Stephanie's parents in the room talking to her. I thought that maybe I should just leave, but as I began to turn and walk away, she saw me. We made eye contact and she motioned for me to come in. I walked in, with my head slightly down. I didn't know what she had told her parents, or what they knew about me or anything.

"How are you feeling today?" I asked, quietly.

"A little better, I guess," she looked up at her parents and then back at me, "It's not your baby. There's... no baby, actually."

I sighed. It was kind of a relief, even though I think she was a little sad. I mean, it was a tiny bit sad. If it had been my baby, I could've had another child. But I was happy. It would've been too much for Stephanie.

"It's nice to see you again, AJ," her dad spoke up and shook my hand, "It's been a long time. Sorry it has to be under these circumstances."

"It has been a while, huh?" I released from his grip.

It was an awakard silence in the room. Like nobody really knew what to say, not even her own parents. I saw Stephanie reach for something and she pulled out the necklace I had given her.

"Here, Alex...," she handed it to me, "I know this had to be expensive. I'm not worthy of it."

"No, I want you to have it."

"Please, just take it...," she began to cry and she held out the necklace to me.

"Stephanie, keep it. I don't want it, I got it for you."

"AJ, take it!"

I looked at her for a moment, her eyes were pleading for me to take it back. I thought maybe she had changed her mind, and would stay here with me. But I think she had made her final decision.

"If your not gonna keep it for me, keep it for Addy. She really wanted you to have it."

And before she could even respond, I walked out of the room and closed the door behind me. I really thought that maybe she was the one. She was the one I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. We had known each other long enough, and it seemed to just fit right. I guess not.

I think I'm giving up on love. Something always goes wrong for me. I'm just not the kind of person meant to fall in love, I guess. Maybe God was trying to tell me something.

When I had just walked out of that door, a little piece of hope inside of me thought maybe her parents might come running after me, telling me she had wanted me to come back. Maybe it would work out later on. Maybe she would coming running back to me. But I don't know if I'd be able to accept her back into my life.

My heart had just been broken, and I don't think I even realized how much.

I would've helped her through this. She could've counted on me. Why? Why didn't she? Maybe she knew something that I didn't. Or maybe it was just that I didn't understand.

I shook my head to myself. It was a rainy day today. A shitty day to be let go.

I pulled into my mom's driveway once again. Her garage door was open, and I saw Adelynn messing around through some old toys in big boxes. As I pulled into the driveway, my headlights shined on her and then I turned the car off.

"What are you doing outside, sweetie?" I closed my car door shut.

"Daddy, I wanna go home," she ran over to me and I bent down to pick her up.

"I'll bring you home, baby," I kissed her cheek.

"Where's Stephanie? Is she all better now?"

"I don't know if Stephanie's coming back, hun," I hugged her tightly, and I felt like a tear was welling up in my eye. I never expected this to end... so quickly. I felt like we had a future, if we would've worked for it. She could've helped me in raising Addy, and we could've gotten married down the road. Hell, maybe even have some more kids.

I released off of Addy, "Let's go tell grandma we're going home."

I walked into the kitchen and saw her cooking something.

"Mom..."

"How is she? Is everything okay, Alex?" she asked, stopping mixing whatever she was making.

I let Addy slide out of my arms, and she went over and layed on the couch, watching some TV. I shook my head, "No. No, it's not okay."

I felt like such a fucking baby. A big, grown-man, baby. I went over and hugged my mom. I needed a hug from her, I needed her to tell me everything was going to be okay like she had done my whole life. But she didn't say anything, she just grasped me into a long hug. I never thought my life would be like this. I always thought one day I would get married and have kids. And even when Addy was first born, I was expecting to just fall in love, have a mother for Adelynn, and be happy forever. But nothing's ever that easy.

"Are you all packed?" I peeked my head into Adelynn's room.

"Yup!" she replied, pointing to the full suitcase on her floor.

"You have all your favorite toys?" I asked her.

"Yup!" she told me again.

We were going to leave for a while. My mom had tried to convince me to just stay with her, but I wanted to just get out of state and take a break from California. So I called Brian up, and asked if me and Addy could stay in Atlanta with him for a little while.

"Are we gonna see Baylee?" she asked, excitedly.

"Your gonna see Baylee alot, sweetie. Don't annoy him too much."

"Yay!"

I just shook my head and laughed. I hoped Brian really didn't mind, I didn't want to be in his way or anything. Since we hadn't been working alot lately, and the past few months we've been off, we always began to miss each other. Brian was the only one who went back to his regular home, the other guys all stayed in Los Angeles.

"All right, you all ready?"

"Ready!" she told me and grinned.

________

As we walked up Brian's driveway to his house, it was freezing. I was so used to California weather, and here in Atlanta I could see my breath in the cold air. Brian said there was a chance of snow. Which would be cool because Addy had only seen snow once her life. I, myself, wasn't really a 'snow' guy but it would be pretty fun.

I figured I'd come here and try to get my mind off of... everything. Sometimes hanging out with Brian and his wife and kid made me feel better. Sometimes it would just make me jealous, though. Because I wanted that. That's all I wanted for Addy was to have a family.

"Hey! Uncle AJ!" Baylee came running out and greeted me with a big hug.

I smiled, "Hey Baylee, what's up, boy?"

"Nuttin'," he grinned.

Addy had already run halfway inside the house and was giving her hugs and kisses to Leighanne and Brian.

"How are you, man?" Brian asked me.

I shrugged, "I'm doing alright."

Leighanne leaned over and gave me a quick hug, "Your welcome to stay here as long as you need to."

"Thanks, Leigh. I appreciate it."

Brian helped grab some of our bags out of our hands and set them down in the foyer.

"I thought we'd take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese or something for lunch..." Brian told me.

"That's cool, Addy will love that."

"YAY, Chuck E. Cheese, let's go now!"

I laughed, "You are so freakin' nosy, girl, you listen to everything."

I bent down and pulled Addy over, and rested her on my leg. "We'll go to Chuck E. Cheese, okay? But first you need to tell Brian something. Come here."

I pulled her face closer to mine and whispered in her ear. She walked over to Brian and said, "Thank you for letting us stay here, and you and Leighanne shouldn't be too loud in the middle of the night because I'm a few rooms over."

Leighanne's cheeks turned flush and AJ just started cracking up, "That's my girl."

"Adelynn, Baylee will show you where your room is gonna be, okay?" Leighanne told her.

Baylee ran up the stairs, and Addy followed close behind.

"How are you really doing, Aje?" Brian looked at me in the eye.

I just sighed and waited a few moments before I answered, "Shitty."

"I'm sorry, AJ," Leighanne rubbed my back.

"I just don't understand...," I told them, "I was gonna help her. I have so many questions for her... who did it? Why didn't she let me help her and why was she acting so fucking weird when she told me to leave? I could've had a future with this girl, Rok. You met her. She was an amazing woman."

"Maybe she'll come back?" Brian offered a half-hearted smile and shrugged.

I just shook my head, "I dunno. And I don't know if I'd let her back in, to be honest."

"I understand," Brian nodded in agreement.

Adelynn started running back down the stairs.

"She's the only reason why I'm atleast sort of okay," I nodded my head towards Addy.

"Kids are amazing like that, huh?" Leighanne butted in.

"They really are," I stared at Adelynn for a moment, until she came running down into my arms.

She was extremely hyper today. You'd think flying on a plane would tire someone out, but not her. She was bouncing off the walls.

"Are we leaving yet?!" she asked excitedly.

"Yes, baby, we're leaving," I had to just shake my head and laugh.

I had to just lay there and watch Addy sleep for a few moments. Her chest rising up and down, as she breathed heavily, and she pulled the blanket all the way up to her chin. I smiled at her. She looked too cute to wake her up, but I wanted her to see the snow that had covered the ground outside.

I shook her a little bit, "Addy..."

She rolled around to the other side of the bed, and began stretching. Her eyes flickered open.

"Hey baby," I leaned over and picked her up, "I wanna show you something."

I brought her over to the window and opened the blinds. She squinted from the sun for a moment, and then she saw the snow.

"It's snow!" she screamed.

"Yep. You haven't seen snow in a looonngg time, sweetie, have you?"

"Can we go outside?!" she asked excitidely.

"We sure can."

She ran out of the room, and down the stairs to go see if Baylee was awake. I followed, in a way slower pace than her, down the stairs.

Brian was sitting at the kitchen table, just sipping his coffee and browsing through some magazine. Sometimes it was weird to see him in this big 'family man' light, I was so used to us being on the go and living that lifestyle together. I don't think I had ever really stayed at his house for this long.

"Morning... you want some coffee?" he offered.

"Sure, I'll have a cup," I shrugged.

"No! Daddy, you gots to come outside," Addy whined.

"Baby, I'm gonna go outside. Let me wake up first."

Brian cut in, "Addy, Baylee's getting ready right now and he'll take you outside."

"Yay!" she clapped.

She ran off to go find Baylee, and I almost felt bad for him. I laughed to myself. Baylee was a few years older than her, and to have a younger one running around could get annoying.

"Hey Aje, try not to let Steph get to you too much. I know it's gonna be hard. Don't... do anything dumb."

I looked at Brian, wondering what he meant by that. Don't do anything dumb? Does he think I would hurt myself? Or is he talking about the drinking?

"Bri, I'd never do anything to myself like that. That'd be fucking selfish, I have to take care of Addy."

He just shook his head, "I didn't mean that. I dunno what I meant. Nevermind."

I just shrugged his comment off and Baylee and Addy came downstairs, ready to go out in the snow.

"Here," I went over to help her zip up her coat. I put her hood up, to cover her ears, and wrapped a scarf around her neck.

"Have fun," I told her and patted her back, "I'll be out soon."

She didn't seem to care that I wasn't coming outside with her, and took off after Baylee.

"So, is he off school today?" I asked, trying to change the subject. Anything but talking about Stephanie. That was the point of coming to Atlanta.

"Yeah. When's she starting kindergarten?"

"Next school year. How crazy is that? Frickin' kindergarten. Seems like yesturday she was born still."

Brian laughed, "Yeah, it does. For Baylee, too. Remember when we took them to the beach and she got smacked in the head with a football."

"Yeah, of course I remember that," I chuckled a little bit.

My smiled quickly faded, though, "I still have nightmares about her getting kidnapped again."

"That was a freak accident. Claire's name hasn't even been mentioned since she was a little baby."

"Actually it has," I sighed, "Addy started asking alot of questions. She's been doing that lately. Out of the blue, she'll just be like 'where's my mommy?' It brings me back to me growing up, asking my mom about my dad. There's really nothing I can tell her, you know? Nothing ever helped me growing up. I just... don't want Addy to, well, be like me."

"What's wrong with being like you?"

"Ah, I'm a fuck up, yanno?"

"Whaat? You've done so much with your life, though. How could you think that?"

I shrugged, "I did so much shit back then, I don't want Addy to have to go through what I did. I've been through so many shitty relationships. I'm a fuck up."

"Daaaddddyyy!" I heard coming from the foyer of the house.

"Yeah?" I got up from my seat in the kitchen, to go see what she needed.

"You gotta go sledding! It's so fun!" she smiled.

"I'll only do it if Uncle Rok does it, too."

"Unccllle Rookk!" she called out, and Brian just gave me a look of 'thanks alot.'

"Alright, alright," he sighed.




I finally had gotten to the top of the hill with the sled and Addy. My throat was killing me from the cold air I had been breathing in. I hadn't gone sledding in... years. Alot of years. I was probably 19 or 20 years old.

I got my ass down towards the back of the sled, and I made a place for Addy right in front of me on the sled. I stuck my feet up, trying to fit us both onto this tiny sled. I grabbed hold of the string to help us steer and before I even knew it, Brian had pushed us and we took off.

"Holy shit! Ohh shit," I screamed the entire way down the hill. We went flying! "Holy shit!"

I stuck my feet out of the sled to try and slow us down before we reached the bottom of the hill. Adelynn was cracking up the entire time.

Finally we came to a stop. Addy's cheeks were so rosy red, and her smile could probably light up an entire room. She had been laughing so hard.

"You think thats funny?" I asked her, and I had to laugh myself.

Baylee & Brian came down and landed right beside us. Brian was cracking up, "That was hilarious to see you going down that hill."

"Ha. Ha. Very frickin' hilarious."

Addy smiled at Brian, "Daddy was really scared... the whole way down he was screaming 'holy..." I put my hand up to her mouth before she could say anything else.

"Your right, hon, I was saying 'holy crap.'"

"Nu-uh, you said something else..."

Brian just laughed.

And at a moment like this, it felt like everything was going to be okay. It felt like all the pain and heartbreak was gone, and it was only us in the world. But I couldn't stay here forever. I had to go back into the real world, and back into being a single father in no relationship. The holidays were coming up, and I needed to plaster a big, fake smile on my face. For Adelynn. Because everything I did was for her.

"Bye Brian!" Adelynn waved out of the car window.

"Bye sweetie, come back soon!" Brian waved back at us, as we sped off in the car.

I rolled the window back up, and got myself situated in the backseat of the car.

"Daddy, I like you sitting back here with me..." Adelynn said, randomly.

I just laughed at her, "Do ya?"

She nodded, and got back to playing her little video game.

"Daddy, is it gonna be a long drive?"

"Not too long, we just have to go to the airport."

"Are we gonna see Stephanie?" she asked.

I just sighed. I really didn't know what to tell her. I wanted to see Stephanie again, and not just for me, but for Addy, too. She had just gotten to know her and started to like her. And I didn't want to think about Steph anymore, I was trying to just forget. Addy kept bringing her up.

"I dunno, baby, I really don't know."



We arrived home and my mom was over at my house, playing with the dog for us. She had been coming over to feed her and play with her and stuff.

"Grandma!" she ran over to my mom and gave her a big hug.

"Hey, I didn't know you were coming back today..." she let go of Addy and came over to greet me.

"Yeah, well, I figured I should take Addy home. She was missing her room, and her stuff."

"Well, I'm glad your home. Your not going anywhere for the holidays, are you?" she asked, with a look of concern.

"No, no, I'll be home. We have a couple radio shows to do and then we're home for a month."

"We've been missing you, Alex."

I just nodded, "I know, I know."

I took out my cigarettes from my back pocket, "Sorry, mom. I gotta have a smoke. You know I barely ever smoke around Addy and I've dealt with the whole freakin' plane ride and the way home."

She just chuckled and shook her head, "I wish you'd quit."

I raised my eyebrow, "Me too."

I walked out the back door to stand on my balcony and have a smoke. I sucked in as much as I could, and just let it exhale out of me.

The holidays were gonna suck this year. Last year I had Amanda, whether I wanted her or not. Atleast I had somebody. And to be honest, I missed Amanda sometimes. I always wished maybe she would call, to say 'hey.' 'Cuz I sure as hell never would. But if she called me first, I'd answer the phone.

Atleast it was somebody. I hated being alone. And it was going to be fucking Christmas. Christmas Eve always sucked by myself. Getting the presents ready for Addy alone, trying to get her to go to sleep by myself. It was depressing. Your not supposed to be alone Christmas Eve. Atleast I had Addy, I always thought about that. I could be completely alone.

I sighed and let more smoke flow out between my lips.

Maybe Mom would sleep over Christmas Eve. Her husband and her could sleep over, it wouldn't be a big deal. I shrugged to myself, and threw my cigarette off the balcony into the bushes below.

I opened up the door, and then closed it behind me. "Mom..." I asked.

"Yeah?"

"You and Tim want to stay over on Christmas Eve? I mean... you can help me, you know, w-r-a-p," I had to spell the words so Addy wouldn't know what I was saying, "the p-r-e-s-e-n-t-s."

She laughed, "Of course we will, if you want me to."

I shrugged, "I dunno, it's better than being alone."

She placed a hand on my shoulder, "Your doing such a good job, Alex. You really are. I want you to always remember that."

I just smiled genuinely. Sometimes I didn't feel like I was doing a good job.

I was so freakin' bored and restless. We hadn't really been doing much group-wise, except going to the studio and recording a bunch of songs. I was just always stuck home with Addy, which I was glad for the downtime and being able to spend more time with my daughter, but sometimes I just couldn't stay in the same place for more than a week.

It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon. And I haven't even showered yet. I hadn't brought Addy to daycare in the longest time. I just figured I might as well keep her home with me, while I was home.

"Daddddyyyyy!" I heard her screaming from upstairs. At first it sounded like a 'I want something' scream, but it quickly turned into a painful scream.

I jumped up from my spot on the couch, and began to ran up the stairs. The screaming didn't stop. I was getting a little nervous now.

"Addy?! What's wrong?!" I ran into her room, and she just looked at me, I saw tears drenched on her face. Before she could even answer me, I saw what was wrong. Blood was all over the carpet, and I was wondering where it was coming from.

"OW!" she screamed in pain, holding onto her knee.

Daisy was licking her face, trying to comfort her, but I had shoo her away. "Get!" I pointed to the door and the dog ran out.

I bent down next to Addy and saw it was coming from her knee. Oh, shit, it looked pretty bad. Before even thinking, I quickly took my shirt off and wrapped it around her knee.

"Are you okay?"

Okay, dumb question.

"I got ya, baby," I picked her up and quickly brought her down the stairs.

I set her on the counter... I had to see how bad this was. I began to unwrap the t-shirt and she screamed in pain, "OW!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I quickly spat out.

It looked really deep, actually. She might need stiches. "Wrap your arms around me, baby..." she put her arms around my neck and I tried to make sure her legs were elevated.

"I'm going to bring you to the doctor's, sweetie..."

I knew this wasn't going to go well. She hated the doctors.

"No!" she began to scream even louder.

I sighed, and I had to try to get her into the car.


By the time we got to the hospital, there was a damn wait. Just a bunch of kids coughing and shit, I think this was a little more important.

"Excuse me," I went up the lady behind the counter, "My daughter has a really deep wound, she needs stiches now."

"Ok, sir, I'll get you a doctor as soon as possible," she didn't even look me in the eye and continued typing on her computer.

Addy was still screaming in my arms, and my t-shirt was still wrapped around her knee. I rolled my eyes, "Lady, would you look at her?!"

I guess she had thought I was lying, because when she saw all the blood all over the t-shirt, she nearly flipped out.

"Oh sir, I'll be right back!" she ran back into the hallway and came back about 3 minutes later with a doctor.

"Follow me, sir," he picked up his pace a little and guided me into a room.

I layed Addy down on the table. My arms felt like they were about to fall off from holding her so long.

"Close your eyes, sweetheart," the doctor told her, "The pain will start to go away. This happens to alot of little girls and boys."

I watched him look at the wound in her knee for a moment, and he was all ready to get to stiching.

"Your just gonna do it... right here? Are you gonna put her to sleep?"

"Nope," he replied casually, "Mr. McLean, you'll be surprised to know this happens alot. She needs, 4, maybe 5, stiches and she'll be done. Hold her hand for me."

I was going to do that anyway. Fuckin' doctor.

I held her hand tightly, and tears still were dripping from her cheeks. I felt so bad for her, because I really couldn't do anything for her. It took about five minutes, and she had calmed down a little bit. Maybe she had gotten used to the pain.

Oh, fucking gross. I couldn't watch that. He was just stiching her up like a freakin' doll or something.

"All done," the doctor replied.

"Really?" I asked, shocked it was done so quick.

"Yep. You can see me again in four weeks to take them out."

I shook his hand, "Thank you, doc."

"No problem, sir."

I picked up Adelynn, and brushed a few strands of hair away from her face. This girl gives me so many scares.

"Yeah, I just need you to replace this carpet in this room," I told the guy I had hired from the carpet company, and pointed to Addy's room.

There was too much blood on the floor to clean myself, so I just got new carpet.

"Okay, sir. Should be done within the next hour or so."

"Thanks," I shook his hand and made my way downstairs.

Addy was sitting on the couch, with her leg propped up on a pillow. She didn't really need to, but she was using this little accident for all it was worth, making me her personal slave. We had found out it was Daisy that caused the accident, she didn't mean to. Her claws were too sharp, I guess, and dug right into Addy's knee.

I went and sat next to her, "Need something else, baby?"

She shook her head 'no.' For a couple seconds she looked up at me, as if she wanted to say something and didn't know what.

"Dad?" she finally asked.

"Yes?"

"I want to be in a play."

What did she just say?

"A... a play?" I stuttered.

"Yeah, a girl told me 'bout one at school."

She can't be in a... play. I didn't want her to do plays. That's what I did, and I didn't want her to be like me. It just couldn't happen. I mean, a play? Who told her about a play, anyways?

"Uhm," I didn't know what to say. I can't just say no. That's selfish, that's my selfish pride that didn't want her to do a play. I went through the whole play deal, and I didn't want Addy to do it. It's too much work, too much time, too much... trouble.

"Why?" was all I could spit out.

"Cuz I want to!" she smiled.

She smiled so big, so big that I just couldn't say no. Like usual.

"We'll talk about it."

Fuck, fuck, fuck. It's not that I didn't want her to. Well, yes it was. But what if she wanted to? What if she liked it? Was I making this a way bigger deal than it really was? One play can't do anything, can it?

I got up off the couch, and I had to think about this. I had always wondered if one day she would ask for something like this. Or if she had it in her blood, like I did. I had always hoped she wouldn't. But she was so much like me in other ways that it scared me. I didn't want her in this business in any way, shape, or form... not even a daycare school play. Not my little girl.

I sighed, and took a deep breath, and then reached for my phone. When my thoughts fail to do me any good, call mom. She's been through this stuff before.

"Mom?" I asked, and walked as far away as I could from the living room where Addy was sitting.

"Hey, Alex."

"Mom, Addy wants to do a play. For her daycare."

"Aww, how adoraable. What play?"

Why did she think this was so cute? Didn't she remember?

"What play?" I questioned her back, "Uhm, I don't know. She didn't tell me. Guess I forgot that little detail."

"Your freaking out," my mom told me calmy.

I let out a nervous laugh, "Uh-huh."

"Let her do it. Let her experience it. She is your daughter, you can't stop it if it's in her."

"But I want to," I almost whined.

My mom chuckled, "Honey, I did alot of things wrong with you. We've been through it now, we know how it works. You'll always protect Addy until the day you die, believe me. She's in daycare. Let her have some fun. Do you remember how much fun you had?"

I smiled, "Yeah, I had a blast in those younger days."

"Just remember those days."

I nodded, even though my mom couldn't see me nod over the phone.

"I'll let her try it. But I still don't agree with it."

"You don't have to."

"Thanks, mom."

"Call me soon to set up a night where I can have Addy over, your invited, too."

"Okay, mom. Love you."

"Bye, honey."

I hung up the phone, feeling a little better. I mean, she might not even like it. She's still so young, and I just didn't want her getting caught up into something at her age. I just shook my head to myself, and sighed. Maybe I was getting way overworked for something little.

I went over and looked at Addy on the couch for a moment. She was so cute.

"What play is it?"

"Uhm, Roof... something," she was thinking hard, trying to remember.

"Fiddler on the Roof?" I asked.

"Yeah!"

"Fiddler on the Roof, huh?" I just smiled at her, "You'll have fun, baby."

"You are getting straight in the bath," I told Addy as I pushed the door closed with my foot.

"But whyyyy?" she whined.

"Because you stink!" I laughed at her.

"I do not!" she crossed her arms over her chest.

"Honey, your getting in the bath. No questions. You've been playing outside, and your all sweaty."

She pouted, "Why can't I go in the pool?"

I gave her 'the look' with my eyes, and she just sighed and began to walk upstairs.

"That's what I thought," I shook my head to myself and went to the fridge to get a soda.

You'd think taking a bath was going to kill her. I popped open my can of soda, and began walking upstairs to go get her bath ready.



"See? Now your all clean!" I told her as I helped her put on her shoes.

She nodded, but didn't say anything in return.

"But my knee hurts..."

"Your knee hurts still? I'm sorry, sweetie. The stiches come out soon."

I tightened her shoelace, and stood up from my spot on the ground.

"Alright, me and you are going to the grocery store. Since Dana's on vacation with her family, Daddy has to do the shopping."

She gave me this dumbfounded, blank stare for a moment and I had to laugh.

"You can't shop, Daddy," she shook her head.

I pretended that I had been offended, "Whhaat? I can shop. With your help, 'kay?"

She shrugged.

"Hey, we need food in this house. It's looking pretty empty."




"Hop on in," I put Addy in the front seat of the cart and pushed it.

I don't know where to go.

"Addy, what do you want to eat tonight?" I asked her.

"Steak!" she smiled proudly.

"Steak? Are you kidding me? What five year old eats steaks?" I said outloud, but was talking to myself.

"Me!" she grinned.

"How about hotdogs? Macoroni and cheese? Hamburger Helper? Anything Daddy can cook."

"Hamburger Helper."

I loved the way she said "hamburger" like "hambooger," it was so hilarious.

"Hambooger Helper it is."

I began pushing the cart down random aisles. Hamburger Helper... why the hell can't I find Hamburger Helper anywhere?

"Daddy, read the signs!" she pointed to the ceiling, where there was a sign in every aisle telling what it sold.

I rolled my eyes. Great, now I'm outsmarted by my five year old daughter. I really don't know how to shop.

"You know what, nevermind Hamburger Helper... there's the hotdogs. Is that okay?"

Addy sighed and nodded her head.

"How 'bout french fries with it?" Before she could even answer, "French fries it is."

"Now where are the fries?" I looked around.

"Right in front of your face, Mr. McLean."

Who was that? I turned around and it was... Jill.

"Jill?" I looked at her.

She smiled and gave me a wave, "AJ, it's been too long."

"Yes, yes, it has," I grinned.

She looked damn good. Really good, actually. What had she been doing?

She finally saw Addy sitting in the cart. Addy had no idea who she was, she couldn't remember her. The last time she had seen Jill was at her first birthday party.

"That's Adelynn?" Jill put her hand over her mouth, she was shocked. "Oh my God, she's beautiful!"

She bent down and looked at Adelynn, "Last time I saw you, you were only one!"

Addy gave her shy look, and just blushed.

"AJ, you better watch out. Gonna have the boys after her one day."

I rolled my eyes and smiled, "Thanks for reminding me."

"So where are you living?" she asked.

"Same place. How about you?"

"I moved to LA, and I got... got a new job."

I was impressed.

"Here's my number," she wrote it down on a piece of paper and handed it to me, "It's a new one. Call me anytime. I've got to get out of here, running late enough as it is."

"Okay, good to see you again, Jill."

"You too, Alex."

She walked away. And all I could do was sit there and watch her walking away, it felt like it was in slow motion or something. I held onto the piece of paper in my hands tightly, and then shoved it into my pocket.

"Daddy?! French fries are right there!"

"Okay, you need to behave for the babysitter. Dana will be back soon. Do you promise you'll be good?" I looked down at Addy and she nodded.

"Pinky sware?" I held out my pinky and she latched onto it and repeated, "Pinky sware."

"The sitter will be here soon. I'm going to meet Jill and we won't be gone that long."

"Who's Jill?" she asked.

"Remember the lady from the grocery store?"

A lightbulb went off in her head, "Oh yeah! Daddy, are you going on a date with her?"

"I guess you could call it that."

She pouted for a moment, "But I thought you only went on date's with me! Or Stephanie! What happened to Stephanie, Daddy?"

I sighed. I felt so bad, I was confusing her so much.

There was a knock on the door, but before I opened it, I looked at Addy, "Be good."

"Hello," I welcomed her in.

"Hello. And this young Adelynn?" she bent down, and looked at her, almost as if she was inspecting her.

What the hell? This lady was weird. Maybe I shouldn't leave Addy with her.

"There's, uh, drinks and stuff in the fridge. Help yourself to anything."

She nodded, "Does she have a bedtime?"

"Well, it changes. She can stay up however late she wants tonight, and wait for me," I winked at Addy and she smiled.

Maybe it would be alright.

"Whatever you say, sir."

"Alright, love you sweetheart," I kissed her cheek and grabbed my jacket before walking out the front door.



I walked into the Starbucks, and went up to the counter.

"I'll just have a small coffee, cream and sugar please."

I saw Jill walk in the door. She stood there for a few moments, scanning the room with her eyes. I guess she couldn't see me. I smiled for a second, before waving my hand to show her where I was. She smiled and waved back, and walked up to me.

"Hey, what are you getting?"

"Just a coffee. What would you like?" I asked.

"I'll have a vanilla latte," she told the person behind the counter and began digging through her purse.

"Put that away, what are you crazy?"

"Alex, I'm paying for my own damn coffee."

"No your not," I grinned.

"Oh yeah?" she playfully replied back.

"Yeah, what you gon do about it?" I joked in my 'tough guy' voice.

"Here you go," the server gave us our drinks and we made our way to the table.

"I missed you," I told her and took a sip of my coffee.

"I had missed you, too."

"I really... I, you know, I wanted to get to know you more. You as a person, you know. I always remember that one night in the hotel room, and I always felt bad about it."

"Nah, that was so long ago now. Four years almost, can you believe that?"

"I know, it's weird."

"So, Addy's five now? Is she in kindergarten?"

I shook my head, and sipped my coffee, "Next school year."

"Aw, that's gonna be so weird. Letting your little kid off to kindgergarten."

"Tell me about it," I laughed.

"I say we head out of this joint, and head somewhere else," she got up from her seat.

"I say... your right," I grinned at her and followed her out the door.



After going out to dinner for a couple hours, we ended up back in my living room, on my couch. I sat with my legs sprawled out and Jill was fast asleep, her head in my lap.

I couldn't believe Jill, of all people, was laying on me right now. And it wasn't in a dirty way, she was just... cuddling with me. She had changed alot since I had last seen her. She calmed down a lot.

"Mmm," she mumbled, "I better get going."

"Nah, just sleep here tonight," I whispered to her.

The living room was completely dark, with the exception of the TV lights. The TV was on mute, though. I wasn't watching it.

I was staring at her. But I felt so guilty. Because as I stared at her... all I could see was Stephanie. And think of what she's doing right now, and how's she's doing. I hate how she just left with so many unanswered questions.

"No," she began to get up from her spot on my lap, "I have to work early in the morning."

"Are you sure?" I looked at her.

She just nodded.

"Are you gonna be okay driving home?" I asked her.

"I'll be fine. Just go to sleep," she leaned over and gave me a kiss.

It wasn't a deep, make-out-all-the-way kiss or anything. Just a quick kiss on the lips. And a mere second of tounge. That's all. But I liked it that way. Don't move too fast. This time around, anyways.

"Daddy!"

Addy spun through the kitchen doorway and ran into my arms.

"Hi, princess. How were you last night?" I helped her get up into my arms, and her arms settled around my shoulders. We looked at each other, eye to eye.

"I missed you," she said, and smacked me a big kiss on my cheek and
laughed, "That tickled!"

She always got tickled by my facial hair.

"Did you have a good date?" she giggled, and I let her slip down out of
my arms back onto the barstool.

I smiled at her, "Yes, I did, sweetheart."

"I'm hungry, that babysitter was weird."

I laughed at her, "You know what? I got a little secret to tell you."

"What?" her eyes lit up with wonder.

I talked a ltitle bit quieter, trying to make it seem like a big secret
and leaned in close to her ear, "She was very weird. You don't ever have to
worry about her again. I promise."

She smiled, and gave me a thumbs up.

"So, what do you want to eat, little one?"

"McDonald's," she told me.

"I was hoping you would say that," I winked at her.

"Yes!" she said, excitedley.

I grabbed my car keys, which were laying on the kitchen table, and
slipped on a pair of flip-flops.

"Where's your flip-flops, honey?" I asked her, scanning the room with
my eyes and no shoes were in sight.

"Oh! In the garage," she quickly ran off to go grab them.

I went to the sliding glass door to let the dog inside. I pet her a few times, until Addy came running back in, with her shoes on.

"All ready?" I asked her.

She nodded and said bye to Daisy.



"Yeah, can I get a #1 with a large Coke, and a chicken nuggets happy meal. Yeah, it's a girl toy. Okay, thank you."

I drove up to the next window and payed the cashier.

"You know, it's getting closer to Christmas," I told Addy.

I had noticed all of the Christmas lights hanging up, and the wreaths,
and bows and Christmas music taking over nearly every radio station. I
sighed. I hated this time of the year. The only reason I tried to enjoy it was because of Addy. To me, it was just another commericialized holiday that went on for far too long.

"I wonder what Santa will get me!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know, we're gonna have to go see him soon at the mall."

I pulled up to the next window, and grabbed my bag of food and drinks,
"Thank you."

"Here you go," I passed her the Happy Meal, and drove off.

I was the worst Christmas shopper. I would get my gifts the day before
Christmas Eve. I would go to the toystore and just buy Addy shitloads of presents. Yeah, I spoiled her at Christmas time. Alright, I spoil her year
round. But she was a good kid most of the time, so I figured I should just
splurge.

I was trying to get better. I didn't want to turn her into a complete
brat or anything. I wasn't good with disipline, since my mom never really
gave me much of it. But so far she was turning out okay.

Next week, I was gonna start my Christmas shopping. Since all of the
guys and I had gotten older, we had always got each other something little. And I, of course, had to get my mom something. When I was younger, it was always something meaningless but now... I tried to get her something from my heart.

"DAD!"

"Huh?" I snapped out my thoughts quickly.

"I want to see Santa Clause soon!"

"Okay, baby. We will."

"How 'bout Wedneday?" she grinned up at me.

"Okay," I gave her a smile back., "Wednesday it is."

Shit, all next week we were booked. I couldn't believe it. We had four radio shows to do, in six days. I thought we were going to have to do two shows, tops.

"Daddy?"

I sighed, "Yeah?"

I continued looking at the paper, that listed all of the dates on it. What was I going to do with Addy for six days?

"Are we gonna see Santa Clause still?"

Oh, shit. I forgot about that, too.

"Uhm, yeah, sweetie. You'll see Santa Clause."

She skipped away, and went upstairs. I grabbed the phone and dialed my mother's number.

"Mom, I'm in a bind. Can you watch Addy next week for 6 days and take her to see Santa? I promised her, and I got all these shows to do."

"Hon, you should've told me earlier. We're going on a cruise next week. You know I would," she paused, "I'm sorry."

"Shit," I sighed, "That's alright. I'll find somebody."

"What about Dana? Is she back yet?"

"She's still on her winter vacation with her family. She's not supposed to be back until after Christmas."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell you."

"That's alright. I'll talk to you later, mama."

I didn't know what to do with her. I didn't really want to bring her with me, we would be too busy. I don't know who would look after her and such.

Jill. Should I ask her? I barely know her. I don't really know how she is around kids, or if she would even want to. Maybe I could bring her with me on the road, and she could watch Addy for me.

Shit, she's not my nanny or something. How bad would that make me look? "Yeah, uhm, I really want to sleep with you... but you have to babysit my daughter first because your the only one left to do it," I mumbled to myself and rolled my eyes. That would be good.

No, no. No Jill. She's out of the picture.

She'd probably be fine backstage with Marcus, while we performed. We only did about five songs.

I'm not gonna think about it anymore, and just wing it. Whatever happens, happens.

See, this is what i fucking hated. She didn't have a mom to just be like, "I'm gonna drop you off at Mommy's." It made me so angry inside. When Brian did this stuff, Leighanne would either come and watch Baylee or just stay home. They had two sets of grandparents, and I have my mom. It was always so unfair -- to Addy, most of all. What am I going to tell her when she asks how mommy died?

"Daddy!" she came downstairs, "Don't I have play practice today?"

Shit, I forgot about that, too. I pulled out my cellphone and looked at my reminders I always make myself.

"Yes you do, sweetie," I told her, "We'll get ready to go to that."



I grasped onto her hand as we walked into the college, which is the where the play was going to be put on. It kind of freaked me out when I saw a bunch of older kids. Alot of older kids, like people in their senior year of high school. Was I in the right place?

"Is this Adelynn McLean?" a lady from behind tapped my shoulder.

"Yes, yes it is. Hi," I stuck my hand out to greet her, "I'm AJ, her dad."

"Your her father?" the older lady asked me rudely, and looked me up and down. I think she realized how rude she was because she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry."

You should be, bitch.

"That's okay."

"So what will Adelynn be doing?" I asked.

"We went to her daycare, looking for children to play the roles of the two youngest daughters in Fiddler on the Roof. She immediately raised her hand and showed such great enthusiam, so I let her auditon, although I thought she was far too young. Her audition blew me away. She sang beautifully for a little girl, but can she read yet?"

I couldn't believe all of this information she just told me. She was that good? Wow.

"No," I looked down at Addy for a moment in shock and looked up at the lady, "No, she can't read yet. I mean... some words she can read."

"Okay, well, that won't be a problem. She'll have one line, and as long as she can memorize it, she will be fine."

I just nodded. I was speechless. I didn't really realize how good she was. When did this start happening?

"Let me introduce to you to all the kids...," she guided Addy towards the stage and there she went.

I took a seat in the big auditorium, and crossed my legs. She was actually doing a play. I was getting flashbacks from when I was a kid, and I sat here in disbelief. Please, don't turn out like me. Oh God, don't let her be like me.

"I'm going with you?!" she exclaimed.

I smiled at her, "Yep. Your coming with your Daddy this time."

She started jumping up and down all around the living room.

"Woah," I grabbed her and pulled her in closer to me, "Relax, little one."

She just laughed, and tried to catch her breath.

"We have to go to the doctor's soon...," I almost winced telling her, because I was afraid to hear what she had to say. "To get your stiches out."

"Yes!" she shouted, and took me completely by surprise. She hated the doctors.

"Your happy?"

"I don't like these stiches, Daddy! They're 'noying."

I smiled at her, "Alright, well go upstairs and get ready. I'll be up to help you in a minute."

She rushed up the stairs.

I had just decided to bring her with me. It shouldn't be a big deal. I mean, she'd definitely be a tired little girl. We had to go to four different states.

Shit, I shouldn't be doing this to her. She shouldn't have to be dragged along on my job. This was my responsibility, and I couldn't find a sitter to her. I needed to stop depending on my mom to always be there, because she always wasn't.

I always forget how much press and shit we actually do. And I was thinking about this way too late, we were leaving tomorrow.

But, on the other hand, I liked to bring her. If I didn't, she would be upset and call me up crying on the phone every day. It was sometimes a little easier to have her with me.

"Daddy! I need socks!"

"I'm coming!" I yelled back, and went searching for some socks.



"You did awesome, baby," I told her, as we walked out of the doctor's office.

"Look!" she pulled her pant leg up, and showed me her knee, "They're all gone!"

I smiled, "Yes, they are."

"I wanna see Grandma, Daddy. I miss her."

"Aw, you'll see Grandma soon. Grandma is on a cruise right now... lucky duck," I bent down to pick her up and assist her into the car.

"A cruise?" she asked, questionably.

"You know, a boat...," I reminded her.

"Ooooh yeah!"

I strapped the seatbelt around her, and went around to the drivers side.

"Me and you got a date tomorrow," I joked with her.

"Where!?"

"The airport," I laughed, "We'll get some food before we catch the plane."

I started the engine, and began to drive off out of the parking lot.

"Daddy, I'm scared. I don't like planes."

"I don't like planes either. But you've been on a plane a million times. And Daddy will be right there with you."

She just nodded.

"You know by the time we get back it will be four days until Christmas."

Oh, shit... only four days to get my shopping in.

"Yay!" she clapped, "Is Grandma and Tim sleeping over on Christmas Eve?!"

"Yep, they're supposed to."

I hope they do. I didn't want to be alone.

"Alone," I mumbled to myself.

"Daddy...," I heard.

"Yeah?"

"Your not alone, you have me."

I just sat there, and smiled at her.

"Your right, I'm not alone."

"But you don't do anything with me!" she shouted, and stomped her feet.

"You've got to be kidding me!" I rolled my eyes at my complaining five-year-old.

"You always leave me with Marcus! Your never here!"

It had only been two days on the trip, and I had just got back from a show. I didn't want to do this, I was exhausted.

I sighed, and leaned down to her level, "Sweetie, I'm sorry. I'm trying as hard as I can... but I told you, this is Daddy's job. I'm really busy during my job. This is why I usually leave you with Dana, so that your in your own home."

She had tears rolling down her cheeks and simply nodded.

"But I like to be with you, Daddy," she crawled into my lap, "You leave too much."

That broke my heart. Split my god damn heart in two. I did leave too much, and I knew that. I couldn't be the best father I could be with the job I have. But I love my job.

I gave her a big squeeze and a kiss on the cheek, "I love you, you know?"

She nodded and wiped her tear.

"Do you love me?" I grinned at her, and she gave me a big smile back and nodded 'yes.'

"Bed time for you... it's extremely past your bedtime. It's past midnight."

She crawled into the bed, and I pulled the covers up to her chin, and smacked a kiss on her forehead, "Go to sleep. I'll be right in the next bed."

I made myself comfortable in the bed, but I just sat there. I didn't even try to go to sleep. Usually after a show, I was too hyper to even think about sleep. But I was so exhausted... I was like, overly tired.

"Daddy?" she whispered from the other side of the hotel room.

"Yes?"

"Did you do a good concert?" she whispered.

I couldn't help but smile, "I did."

"But I wanna watch."

"You want to watch?" I repeated back to her.

"Yeah, in the... aubidence," she tried to pronounce the word right.

"Audience?" I corrected her.

"Yeah! Why can't I watch you, Daddy?"

"Well, who are you going to watch it with in the audience?"

"Marcus."

I shook my head, "Sweetie, he's supposed to be backstage. With us. He protects Daddy."

"Protects Daddy from what? Those girls?"

I smiled, "Yeah. Those girls."

"You gots lots of girls after you, Daddy," she said, seriously.

I started cracking up, "Yeah, but your the only one that's actually got me, right?"

She giggled, "Yeah!"

"Alright, shhh," I laid my head back down, "Let's go to sleep. We have to go on another plane tomorrow."

She nodded, and closed her eyes again. And I laid here again, with my eyes wide open, staring at the ceiling.

What's going to happen when I'm gone like this, one day down the road when she's a teenager, and boys like her... and I'm not there. And she won't want to come with me, and she'll be in school. I don't want her to grow up, at all. She's grown up enough as it is. Don't let my job cause her to hate me.

Finally back home. Addy had been getting on my last nerve out on the road. She just got very bored and restless, in between all the bus rides and plane rides and lots of sitting around and doing nothing.

Now, it was Christmas shopping time. I sighed. It never ended.

The house was so quiet without Addy. I had sent her over to my mother's house, since she had missed her anyways, and I needed some time to just chill.

I sat on the sofa, and just stared out the window, letting... everything, sink in. My life, I guess. Sometimes I just needed to sit back and take a breather, and focus on what was happening in my life and such. I liked to be in my own world for a few moments, and then I'm off and back into the crazy ass real world.

I put out my cigarette in the ashtray, and got up from my spot on the chair, and got ready to go do some shopping.




Every corner was decorated with Christmas lights, and every speaker was blasting every tune from Jingle Bells to O Holy Night. And my head was fucking pounding. Four days until Christmas. And six days until Dana came back. I really missed her help around the house.

I walked into the closest toy store. Perfect. I grabbed the crinkled piece of paper from my pocket, and started trying to read Addy's handwriting. I began looking around for a bunch of the things Addy had been asking for.

Over a ten minute period, I found one of the things on her list. Fuck, I knew I should've started shopping earlier. There was hardly anything left.

I went up a saleslady, "Excuse me?"

"Yes?" she turned around, and right then and there... I knew it, she was a fan. "Oooh, yes? What can I help you with?" She increased her enthusiasm quickly. I hated when people acted fake around me. It happened all the time.

"Do you have any of the new Bratz dolls left?" I asked, ignoring the fact that she was a fan, because she might not have been an actual fan. I didn't want to make myself seem like an ignorant asshole or something.

She shook her head, "I'm sorry, AJ, uhm, sir... we don't have any of those left."

I just kind of laughed, and shook her hand, "Thanks for your help."

"Any time," she gushed, "Come back soon."

I began to walk away when she stopped me, "Wait! I'm really sorry... I didn't want to bug you. I just, can I get a picture?"

"Sure, sweetheart," I watched her take out her camera phone and I took the picture of the two of us.

"Thank you. Do you, uhm, need any help with anything else?"

I just shrugged, "Actually, yes."

I handed her the list, "All of that stuff." I laughed.

"Oh! We have this," she pointed to something on the list, I wasn't sure what, but she began to lead the way.

I grabbed it off the shelf and put it in my cart.

"Thanks for your help," I shook her hand once more.

I ended up just grabbing a shitload of stuff off of each of the shelves, and throwing it into the cart. She would definitely have a good Christmas.

Then I headed into a jewelry store. For my mom's gift. I thought I would get her a really pretty necklace or something. She would like that.

I sighed as I looked around, remembering buying the nice necklace for Stephanie. A big waste of money. And a big waste of my heart. Whatever. It was the Holiday season, that kind of shit was supposed to be forgotten during this time of year. And that's what I was going to do. Forget about it. I shrugged, I'm a pretty happy guy. Most of the time.

This Christmas was going to be good. Seeing Addy's face would be the most priceless. That's what I had to look forward to.

"Merry Christmas, Mom," I welcomed her into the house and greeted her with a kiss on the cheek. It was Christmas Eve, and I had invited my mom and her husband to sleep over.

"Merry Christmas, Tim," I nodded and gripped his hand.

"The house looks nice, honey," my mom told me.

It should, because I had spent hours cleaning it for Christmas. I even decorated the place a little by myself. While I was out shopping yesturday, I grabbed a bunch of decorations and little things to put around the house. It had taken a whole day. And putting up the damn tree had been a pain in my ass. But I did it. All that mattered was that I had a tree. Sometimes before Addy was born, I never even put up a Christmas tree. I just hadn't cared.

"I left the tree undecorated. I thought maybe we all could do it together," I told my mom.

"Sure, that would be fun."

All the sudden the thunder of footsteps were heard running down the stairs.

"Grandma!" she screamed and ran straight into my mom's arms.

"Hi sweetheart!" she gave her a kiss, "Are you excited for Christmas?"

"Yes!" she screetched, "I hope Santa brings everything I asked for!"

She eyed me, "I hope he did, too."

I just gave her a look back, "I'm sure that Santa Clause will bring you alot of stuff. You've been a very good girl this year."

"Daddy, the tree looks..."

"Boring? Plain?" I shrugged, "I know. I thought you and Grandma could decorate it for me."

"Oh no," my mom smiled, "Your not getting off that easy, Alex. You are going to be just as much a part of decorating this tree."

I snapped my fingers and grinned, "Damn."

"Daddy!" she scolded me.

"Sorry," I told her, after cussing.

That was going to be my New Year's resolution... to stop cussing.

I heard my phone start ringing, and I jogged over to go pick up the cordless phone, "Hello?"

"Merry Christmas!" I heard Howie's voice come through the reciever, and couldn't help but laugh. Howie D, always the one to remember other people.

"Actually, D, it's Christmas Eve. Not Christmas," I told him.

"Eh, shut up, smartass."

I took the phone away from my ear, and shouted towards Addy, "You hear that, Addy?! Uncle Howie called me a smartass. He said a bad word!"

Her face lit up with shock, "Aww, he's bad!"

I put the phone back up to my ear.

"AJ!" he shouted at me, "Don't tell her those things."

I just laughed, "So what's up?"

"Actually, me and Debbie have some news."

"Your getting married? It's about damn time!" I cutted in.

"Well, yeah, we're gonna get married. But it's different news."

My smile widended, and I think I knew what was coming next.

"Aje, I'm gonna be a daddy!"

"Alright, D!" I excitedly told him, "Congrats to you! Where's Debbie? Let me talk to your woman!"

Howie just laughed and he passed the phone to his fiancee.

"Debs, babe... congrats!"

"Thanks, AJ."

"How far along are you?" I asked her.

"About three months. We'll know next month the sex of the baby."

"Alright, that's so cool. I'm gonna be an uncle!"

She chuckled, "Yes, you will be."

"Alright, hand the phone back to Howard. I have to tell him something."

"Two more Backstreeters to go to become papa's," Howie said as he got back on the phone.

"Damn straight. I got a question for ya... has it been leaked yet?"

"You mean, to the fans? No. Not yet. I want to make sure everything's going to be... ya know, okay with the pregnancy."

"Yeah, I understand."

"Just wanted to inform you. Oh, and you can go bragging to the other guys that you were the first to know. 'Cuz you are," he laughed.

"Yes! Alright man, Merry Christmas to you. Tell the Dorough fam that I said hi, okay?"

"Will do, see ya, man."

I hung up the phone and went back into the living room, "Howie D's gonna be a daddy!"

"Aww, how sweet," my mom gushed, "What a nice Christmas present."

It really was. I was genuinely happy for Howie. He was going to get to experience a whole new light of life, that people don't understand unless you have children yourself. He was going to get to experience every part of it. Yeah, D was gonna be a good dad.

"Wake up! Wake up, Dad! Santa came!"

I quickly awoke to my daughter furiously jumping up and down on my bed. My mind, not being all there yet, squinted at her and I quickly came to the realization that... hello, it was Christmas morning.

I rolled out of my empty bed in a pair of boxers, and my hair was sticking in every which direction. I hadn't gotten much sleep last night.

"Merry Christmas, sweetheart," I told her, in my raspy morning voice, and leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek.

"Come on, Dad!" she grabbed my hand and already began pulling me out of my room.

You couldn't help but smile at her enthusiam to open presents. The girl had enough damn toys, yet she was still so excited. I think it was just the whole Christmas spirit thing, I don't know.

"Did you wake up Grandma?"

She shook her head, "Let's wake her up, Daddy!"

I just followed her, as she dragged me along into the guest bedroom. And now I had begun to feel like a little kid again.

I looked down at Addy, and almost as if on cue, we both said, "Merry Christmas!" and we jumped on her bed. Okay, I didn't jump quite as much. I mainly just sat on the end of the bed for a minute, but quickly got up. I didn't want Tim to think I was a complete loon.

"Oh, Merry Christmas, sweetie!" my mom placed her hands onto Addy's face, to give her a big kiss.

It was a... joy, I guess was the word, to watch my mom and Addy together. My mom had always wanted a grandchild, and had constantly told me I would one day be an amazing father. So to be sitting here witnessing the love between grandmother and granddaughter was pretty amazing.


We made our way downstairs and Addy was stunned when she saw underneath the tree.

"Ohymgod, Daddy, look!" she pointed to a huge box sitting right beside the tree, and I smiled at her.

"She's just like you were," I saw my mom's eyes glowing.

She was happy to be here on Christmas, I knew that. She had done this once for me, on Addy's first Christmas and that was all. So I know she appreciated being here.

"You must have been very good this year!" I told her, "Look at all those!"

Her face was lit up with surprise and joy, "Can I open them?!"

We all just chuckled at her excitement.

"Of course you can," I told her and then suddenly remembered I had forgotten something. "Wait!" I ran off into the other room and grabbed the video camera.

"Okay... now, you can open them," I hit the record button and watched her rip open her gifts.

"Wow!"

"Say hi to the camera!" I waved at her, and she gave me a big grin and waved.

"Say Merry Christmas!" I told her and she did as told, with a huge smile on her face. I set the camera down on the table and kept it recording so I could over and sit next to Addy to help her open some gifts.

I leaned over and got next to her and smiled and waved at the camera. Yes, I was always one to steal the spotlight, even on my homevideos. I laughed to myself.

"Merry Christmas!"

I awoke in the middle of the night on the couch, the blue screen coming from the TV was lighting up the whole room, the DVD must've ended a long time ago. I began to stretch and realized there was a little weight holding me down.

I smiled, as I looked down at my daughter snuggling up to me, fast asleep. I peeked over at the clock and it read 12:43am. A yawn took over me, and I realized how exhausted I really was. It had been a long day of putting together toys, playing with them, and helping cook Christmas dinner.

I attempted to fall back asleep, but I was curious if my mom was still here. I guess I had fallen asleep pretty quickly; I didn't even remember laying down on the couch.

I softly lifted Addy off of me, and let her stay on the couch. I made my way upstairs to see if my mom was in the guestroom.

The halls were pitch black, I couldn't see shit. But I finally found my way to the guest room and peeked in, she was fast asleep. Tim must've gone home, because he wasn't in there.

Closing the door, I rammed my head into the side of the wall, "SHIT!" I yelled a little bit louder than I wanted to, and rubbed my head hard to try to numb it.

My mom quickly sat up, "What?!"

"Shit," I mumbled to myself again and stuck my head back in the door and whispered, "It's okay, Mom. I just fucking hit my head."

Even in her grougyness, she chuckled, "Alex, go to sleep."

"I was asleep. On the couch," I just sighed and closed the door again, "Good night."

I walked back downstairs, and plopped myself right back down on the couch next to Addy, who was still fast asleep.

She was snoring slightly, and I laughed to myself. Always had been a snorer.

I yawned, and stretched my arms out. Shit, I was really tired now. I propped my head up a bit on the couch, and stretched my legs out. Yeah, this would be the perfect place to sleep.

I began to slowly fade out.





I awoke the next morning, with a major cramp in my neck. I shouldn't have slept down here. I could barely move my neck to the right. I attempted to stretch it out, but I guess I'd just have to deal with my old self aching for today.

I scratched my head... where's Addy? She must've woken up before me. I sighed, and got my self up off of the couch.

The house was fucking quiet. Why was it so quiet in here?

I walked over to the fridge, opened it up and stared for a while, and realized I really didn't want anything to eat. I hated when that happened.

Then I noticed a note hanging on the fridge,

Alex,
I took Addy to the park in the
neighborhood. When you wake up
come and join us if you'd like.
Love you,
Mom

I shrugged, I might as well go. I slipped on my flip-flops, and threw a light jacket overtop of my tanktop as my cell rang.

Shit, where is it? I searched underneath all of the blankets and pillows, and finally found it.

"Hello?" I answered quickly.

"Hey Aje..."

"Jill," I was surpised to hear from her, "What's going on? Been a little while, huh?"

"Yeah. How was your Christmas?" she asked. And she asked genuinely, not just to 'be nice' or something, she really wanted to know.

"It was great. Addy had a blast...," I told her.

She laughed softly, "Aw, I bet she did."

Before I knew it, we had sat there talking for over an hour. I knew it had been a long time because all the sudden I heard a bunch of noise coming from the foyer. Jabbering women, I laughed.

"I'll call you later, Jill. The little monsters back."

She had just laughed and we hung up.

"Daddy!" she ran up into my arms, "Why didn't you come?!"

I looked up at the clock and back down at her, "I lost track of time, I guess."

"How long ago did you wake up?" my mom asked me.

"Over an hour ago. I was talking to Jill on the phone, I guess I lost track of time."

"Oh yeah?" my mom seemed interested, "You should invite her over one time."

"Yeah, I probably will. She seems lonely," I shrugged.

"Like you?" Addy cut in, and the remark was harmless but it got to me.

I was lonely. Where had she heard me say that? I didn't ever want her to know that I was lonely, or think there was something wrong.

"Where did you hear that?" I asked her.

"I did hear you say it! You said it once!" she said, defensively.

"Aw, baby," I picked her up, "I'm not lonely. Just like you said... I've got you. How can I ever be lonely with a goofball like you around?"

I tickled her belly, and she giggled.

"I guess so!"

"I know so."

"I'll take Addy if you want me to," my mom told me over the phone.

She had went home yesturday after taking Addy to the park.

"No, that's okay," I shrugged, "I want her to eat dinner with us."

"Okay, hon. I'll talk to you later. Have a good time with Jill."

"I will. Love you, Mom."


Truthfully, I wanted Addy to come because then maybe people would leave us alone. The fans usually wouldn't be as aggressive when I had her with me.

It was all ready 3 o'clock, so I figured I might as well start getting ready. I would have to get Addy ready, also.

"Addy!" I called out, not excatly sure where she was in the house.

"What?" I heard her call back from her room.

I jogged over to her bedroom and peeked in the door, "Hey sweetie, I'm getting in the shower 'cause me, you and Jill are going to dinner tonight. So start getting ready for me."

"I'm coming with you?!" she screetched.

I laughed, "Yeah."

"Yes!" she got up and began searching through her drawers for clothes and I made my way to the shower.


By the time I got out, Addy was already dressed and ready. I had to laugh at her outfit of choice, it was all mix-matching and didn't match at all.

"Here, baby," I grabbed a new shirt for her, "Let me help you."

Then I slipped her little Ugg boots on her, and nodded. My girl was stylin'.

"You look so pretty," I told her and she giggled.

"Prettier than Jill?"

I smiled, "Yes."

"Prettier than my mommy was?"

I wanted to yell out and scream, 'Fuck yes you are! Your mommy's personality made her even uglier' but I just looked at her and said, "Way prettier. You know why? Your pretty inside and out."

Maybe it was the wrong thing to say, but I couldn't resist. It was the truth. My girl was growing to be a very smart, intelligent, beautiful... well, woman.

She just grinned up at me, and gave me a look like she wanted something, "Dadddyy?"

"Yeesss?" I replied back, in the same sly tone.

"Piggyback ride!" she cheered.

"Oh, alright, but I'll have to stretch my old self out first."

"Your not old!" she told me.

"I feel old."

"Alright, hop up," I bent over and allowed her to get on my back.

We made out way down the stairs. Her head was bobbing up and down as I bounced her on my back. I let her down and she exclaimed, "That was fun!"

"I'm glad you thought so."



I graciously pulled out a seat for Addy, and she gladly sat down. Then I did the same for Jill and she smiled and thanked me.

"Your daddy is such a gentleman," Jill whispered into Addy's ear, but saying it loud enough for me to hear.

I batted my eyelashes in a feminine way, and they both chuckled at me.

"Sorry it's nothing too fancy, I usually like to impress a bit more," I laughed.

"Impressing me doesn't take much, Mr. McLean. A dinner date with you and your daughter is all I could ask for," she nodded down at Addy, whose cheeks turned flush.

"Well, that's good to know."

I eyed a few people staring from outside the window. I didn't really mind it, but it made me feel uncomfortable. But eventually, they usually stopped staring and went off to do something else, only staying close to the building. And if they ended up being nice people, and not rude pricks, I would always take time out to talk.

"So, what are you getting, sweetheart?" I peeked over my menu to see Addy, who was busy coloring with the crayons the waiter gave us.

"I dunno. What do they have?" she shrugged.

"Hmmm," I tried to memorize the things she usually got at restaurants, "Grilled cheese, hot dog, hamburger, macoroni and cheese."

"Grilled cheese!"

"Okay."

I took a couple minutes to look over the menu myself, and decided on a Filet Mignon steak.

"What are you getting?" I asked Jill.

Damn, she looked beautiful. I had just now gotten a good look at her, and she looked good. Very good. I dunno, tonight... everything about her seemed perfect. Her make-up was done perfect, her hair, her lips, and I had to let it all sink in for a moment.

"Probably the filet."

"Really?" I laughed, "Me too."



Dinner lasted for a while. I was glad Addy had decided to behave tonight, and joined in on the conversations quite alot, actually. She had taken a liking to Jill, and I was happy about that. She was beautiful, she really was.

All the sudden, I noticed a $20 bill that had been dropped on the table.

"No," I grabbed it quickly and threw it back over to Jill.

"Yes. AJ, I'm paying for my dinner," she insisted.

"Jill, have you learned nothing about me yet? I don't take 'no' for an answer."

Addy cut in, "He doesn't."

The comment made me laugh, but I went back to convincing Jill she wasn't paying a dime for this dinner.

"I'm paying, and your not. End of story."

And I handed the waiter my credit card when he walked by.



Well, the date had gone good and I was really happy about that. Everything went smoothly. I had just put Addy down to bed a little earlier, she was real tired.

Addy had told me that she really liked Jill, and asked me if she would be her mommy. I didn't really know what to say to that one, so I skipped around the question. Eventually, I know I'll have to answer. She had asked that question with Amanda and Stephanie, too.

This time, though, I was doing it the right way. I wasn't going to rush into anything. And I think I was taking a good step by letting Addy come with us to dinner.

As I began to get into my night clothes, I felt something crinkling in my jean pockets and reached in to see what it was.

"Oh, fuck me," I sighed as I stared at a $20 bill in my hand.