You know, it’s funny how sometimes we put everything we have into something, only to realize that it could be gone at any moment and you’re left with nothing but a fleeting memory of what once was. Sometimes, you spend your life living for other people, losing yourself in the process. That’s how I was. I lived my life for my family. I gave them everything I had, sacrificing all the little things in life that made me happy just so I could make life a little easier for them. Still, even now, looking back, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. There may have been days in my life back then where I felt unfulfilled and useless, but the good days far outweighed the bad. I loved my family more than anything, and I was willing to do anything for them.

 

            My husband, Shawn, was the most amazing man. He was always trying to find new ways to live every day to its fullest potential. We hadn’t had an easy life. On our first date, it hit me that he had been through more in his 22 years of life than most people go through in their entire lifetimes. His father had died when he was young, leaving him to be the man of the house before he was old enough to even comprehend the implications of his new role in the family. His first fiancée cheated on him with his best friend, resulting in an unexpected pregnancy. And when his best friend walked out on his own child, Shawn stepped in to be a father to a little girl who served as a constant reminder of his ex’s unfaithfulness. His second fiancée was only interested in one thing – an escape from her life. She never loved him, and cheated on him with multiple guys, only caring about finding a way into fame and out of obscurity. His third, and final fiancée before me, had been killed in a terrible drunk driving accident two weeks before the wedding. And on top of it all, he had been diagnosed with cancer at 17, and had been fighting with his disease for years before I ever even met him. Then, after years of radiation treatment and chemo, his cancer had finally gone into remission. Sure, we had that ever-present worry looming over our heads throughout our entire marriage, wondering if and when the cancer would ever decide to strike again, but we never let that stop us from living our lives. If anything, it helped us to realize that you can’t take anything for granted.

 

            Maybe that’s why everything in our relationship seemed so rushed. Granted, I had known Shawn for two years before we ever even thought of starting a relationship. I had met him through a mutual friend, Ashley, who happened to be his girlfriend at the time. I had met Ashley at the concert of our favorite musical group, The Backstreet Boys. Anyway, Ashley introduced me to Shawn, and after awhile, we all became extremely close. That was the only time I met him face-to-face until our first date. And after a messy break-up with Ashley, she broke all ties from her previous life, and Shawn and I grew even closer. I stood by him over the next two years, from his battle with depression after the loss of his fiancée to the death of his brother – who was the only person he was close to in his family. Then, after only talking over the phone for two years, we finally decided to meet in person again. That led to our first date. And then, only six months after our first date, we were engaged. Two months after his proposal, we were married. And nine months after our wedding, I gave birth to our first and only son, Tristan James.

 

            A lot of people disagreed with our marriage, saying we didn’t know what we were getting ourselves into or that we were rushing into a commitment too soon – including his mother. But Shawn and I knew better. We knew that what we had was stronger than anyone else could see. We knew that we would make it. And we did. We proved everybody wrong. We were married for 11 blissfully happy years. Until tragedy struck.

 

            I remember the day just like it was yesterday. That morning, we had gotten into a fight about who would pick Tristan up from school. I had just gotten a new job, finally getting back to work after being a stay-at-home mom for 9 ½ years. It was my first full week at the job, and I couldn’t risk leaving early without possibly jeopardizing my job. He was supposed to get off at 2:00, but one of his co-workers had called him that morning and asked him to stay two extra hours to cover part of his shift because he had the flu and couldn’t come in – hospital policy. I remember the last thing I said to him, face-to-face, was, “Ashley was right. You are a selfish asshole.” That day at work, my mind wasn’t on the task at hand. In fact, my mind was a million miles away from work. I kept thinking about Shawn and our argument. I guess he felt the same way because just as I was about to pick up the phone and call him to apologize, he called me. We made plans to call our sitter, Jenny, and spend the night together, alone, like we used to do.

 

            That night never came. At least not in the way I expected. As soon as I got home from work, I had this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach, so I decided to lie down and take a nap before Shawn got home. Twenty minutes later, my life changed forever. I woke up to a pounding on my door and that intense queasy feeling growing stronger with every step I took. When I opened the door and found two officers with grim smiles, I knew that whatever they had to tell me was not going to be good. I don’t remember them telling me about the accident. I don’t remember the ride to the hospital. And I definitely don’t remember answering any of their questions. But apparently, all of that happened. They told me that Shawn had died on the scene, but that Tristan had been rushed to the hospital and taken into surgery as soon as he arrived. He was in critical condition and things didn’t look good. Still, no matter what anyone said, I refused to leave my son’s side. That first day, I didn’t cry. I didn’t scream. I didn’t do much of anything. I don’t really remember much at all. The next thing I do remember, however, was hearing the steady beep of the machine measuring his pulse change to a screeching, constant tone. I was immediately pushed out of the room and into the hall while the doctors and nurses fought to save my only remaining tie to my husband. But their attempts were futile, and at 3:14 AM the next morning, my son joined my husband.

 

            That was one of the hardest days of my life. The moment they told me my son was gone, the rein I had on my emotions broke, and I felt a plethora of emotions overcome my exhausted, frail frame. I don’t remember calling my best friends, Serine and Casey. In fact, I barely remember anything that happened over the next few days. I do, however, remember waking up to my two best friends and their boyfriends fast asleep in the stiff, white hospital chairs while I lay in the bed, tubes coming from seemingly every inch of my body.

 

            I later found out that my body had gone into shock, and in order to deal with the whirlwind of emotions coursing through my mind, my body had put itself into a temporary coma. It had been seven days since the day I lost the two most important people in my life.

 

            I knew that nothing in my life would ever be the same again. And a part of me truly believed that I would never love anyone the way I loved Shawn. In a way, that still holds true today. No one will ever take the place of Shawn in my heart. Not even my husband. But I did learn that I could love again. I learned that even though my husband and son were gone, I was still here for a reason. It took me awhile to realize that, but when I finally did, I realized I could love again. I wasn’t betraying Shawn. I was simply living.

 

            That’s why I’m writing this. I decided that if I could find the strength to rediscover my life, then maybe people going through a similar situation could find the strength too, and realize that they’re not alone. So here’s my story. A story of life, love, and loss. A story of hope.

 

The room was dark and still. Not a sound could be heard, except for the periodic sigh coming from the bed as its two occupants enjoyed a dream-filled sleep. It was the shrill scream of a ringing phone that broke the peaceful silence of the bedroom, and invaded the deep sleep of the people within.

 

“Serine, answer the phone,” a sleep-thick voice mumbled into the darkness.

 

“It’s on your side, Howard,” another voice responded, before the woman behind the voice pulled the covers over her head in an attempt to block out the intrusive noise.

 

“’ello?” Howie managed to answer, trying to fight the haze that was attempting to surround him in a warm blanket of sleep.

 

“Is Serine there?” the voice on the other end quietly requested, a slight quiver entering her words despite her attempt to restrain it.

 

“One second. Serine, it’s for you,” Howie relayed, practically throwing the phone on the lump beside him, ringing a groan from her as it landed with a quiet ‘thud.’

 

“Hello?” Serine asked into the phone, wondering who would be calling her at 1:30 in the morning. “Hello?” she asked again when the only response she got was the sound of someone sniffling on the other end.

 

“Serine, it’s Paige,” the voice identified, causing Serine to suddenly jump up, fully alert.

 

“Paige, honey, what’s wrong?” Serine questioned, praying that it didn’t have something to do with Shawn’s cancer. She had always carried the fear that someday Shawn’s cancer would catch up with him and her best friend would be left to raise their only son as a single mother.

 

“It’s... Sh…S…Shawn…. He… he… g… g… gone,” Paige cried into the phone, barely able to get the words out.

 

“Gone? Gone where? Did Shawn leave you?” Serine asked, gathering the attention of her boyfriend. He sat up, giving her a questioning look. He had heard about Serine’s friend, Paige. He knew that she was a fan of his group, the Backstreet Boys, but that she was also married and a mother, so she wasn’t able to travel to any of the shows to see them.

 

“N… n… n… no. There was an acc… accident,” Paige cried, trying to calm down enough to get out what needed to be said.

 

“Okay honey. Just hold on. I’m on my way,” Serine soothed, knowing her best friend needed her now more than ever. She immediately jumped out of bed, packing a bag for her impromptu trip to Colorado.

 

“Thank you,” was all Paige could manage to say.

 

“I love you, girl. Hang in there,” Serine said, sending her strength through the phone.

 

As soon as Serine hung up the phone, she started cramming her things into any bag she could find, knowing that the guys would be leaving New Jersey in the morning, and if her stuff wasn’t packed, it would be left behind. “Honey, don’t worry about your stuff. Marcus will take care of it. Just pack what you need and I’ll call and get us the quickest flight to Colorado I can find, okay?” Howie eased, knowing his girlfriend needed him to be there with her, despite the fact that she would never admit it.

 

“Thank you, Howie,” she said, showing her gratitude.

 

“Anytime, baby,” he responded, already dialing the number to the airport in an attempt to get the first flight to Colorado he could.

 

---

 

 

Down the hall, a similar scene was playing out – only slightly more amusing. Same as before, the shrill sound of the ringing phone broke through the thick silence.

 

However, instead of calmly being persuaded from a deep sleep, the young man in this room jumped about two foot in the air before landing on the floor beside the bed, a bruised butt the least of his problems.

 

“Hello?” the woman who had been sleeping beside him answered, trying her hardest not to laugh at her injured boyfriend.

 

“Casey?” the quiet voice on the other end of the phone questioned.

 

“Paige? Is that you?” Casey asked, a sense of dread filling her body. She knew that whatever she was about to hear was going to be devastating. Why else would her best friend be calling her at 1:30 in the morning, tears obvious in her voice?

 

“Yeah. It’s me,” she replied, trying not the let her tears take over again. She needed to get this out so that she could return to her son’s room before anything happened.

 

“What’s wrong?” Casey asked, watching as her boyfriend gently crawled back onto the bed, looking at her with worried eyes. She reached out her hand, tightly grasping his, in need of his support and strength.

 

“It’s Shawn and Tris. They… they were in an…an… accident. TJ’s in the hospital. Shawn’s dead,” Paige explained, this time succeeding in keeping a better hold on her emotions. She felt like she should have been all cried out, but she knew that this was just the beginning.

 

“I’ll be there as soon as I can. Hold on sweetie,” Casey told her through the phone, wondering how her best friend was able to talk on the phone, let alone carry a coherent conversation.

 

“Thank you, Casey,” she gratefully sighed.

 

“Any time, sweetheart. Any time,” Casey promised.

 

As soon as the phone was off, Casey was out of bed, packing for her last-minute trip. She didn’t even notice her boyfriend, Nick, get up off the bed and start packing until she almost ran into him in her attempt to get her clothes packed.

 

“What are you doing?” she asked, looking at her boyfriend with confusion as he began following her lead, packing up his overnight bag with necessities.

 

“I’m going with you. Don’t argue with me Casey. You can’t do this alone. Just pack what you need and we’ll have Marcus pack the rest. I’m going to call and get us a flight out. Okay?” Nick said, taking control.

 

“Okay,” Casey agreed, not having the energy to fight him on this. As much as she hated to admit it, she did need him with her. She didn’t know what she was going to find when they got to Colorado, but she did know she did not want to face it alone.

 

---

 

 

The thick, dark cold tried to smoother her as she fought to take a breath and break free of the haze that surrounded her, forcing her into a submissive, lifeless state, at the mercy of her unconscious mind. Her face broke into a look of concentration and pain as she fought to wake up from her endless sleep. The faintest moan of displeasure escaped her lips as her body began to regain feeling and motion.

 

The room was silent as the other three occupants continued to sleep through their friend’s internal struggle, having been guests in the ICU wing of the hospital for the last week while waiting for their friend to wake up. Unbeknownst to all of them, the woman they had come to support was fighting an inner battle with herself, trying to clear the cobwebs that had taken up residence in her mind. Due to the stress caused by the loss of her family, her body had shut down in an attempt to heal itself, forcing the devastated woman into a self-induced coma that ended up lasting a week.

 

The rapid beep of the ventilator machine, helping the sleeping woman breathe, woke the loved ones who had been watching carefully over her the last several days. “Oh my goodness! Serine, wake up! Paige is waking up,” Casey exclaimed, watching her best friend’s fingers move ever so slightly – the first sign of life they’d seen since they gotten there a week prior.

 

“Wha…” Serine asked, still surrounded in a haze of sleep, which disappeared immediately as soon as Casey’s words penetrated her exhausted mind. “She’s waking up?!” she shouted, waking her still-sleeping boyfriend beside her.

 

“What’s going on?” Howie asked, watching the excitement sparking in both girls’ eyes at the possibility of seeing their friend awaken from her miniature coma.

 

“She’s waking up!” Serine explained, rushing to the bedside and taking Paige’s hand into one of her own. “Come on sweetie. Just open your eyes so I can see that you’re okay. Just a little more. Come on honey, you can do it,” Serine encouraged, mirrored by Casey who was just as worried about their friend.

 

“Howie, can you go get Nick? He went down to get something to eat,” Casey requested, her eyes not once lifting from Paige’s pain-filled, struggling expression as she fought to wake from her body’s extended rest.

 

“No problem. I’ll be right back, okay baby,” Howie responded, kissing Serine quickly before exiting the room in search of his band mate.

 

Paige squeezed Serine’s hand slightly as she struggled to break through the final barrier keeping her in a lonely, dark, cold world, away from the people who loved her most. She had been lost in a dark, dreary room, with no recollection of how she’d gotten there and no memory of how to get out. Instead, she had been cowering in the corner for days, afraid to move, afraid to feel, afraid to breathe, knowing her entire world had crashed in around her, leaving her here for a reason. All she felt was coldness and lifelessness within, making her feel more alone than she had ever felt before. She was wallowing in self pity – and even she knew that, but something had fought to bring her back.

 

Shawn. He had come to her in that dark room and had told her that she still had so much to do with her life. He told her that she was strong and that someone else was about to come into her life who needed her strength to help get them through their own private dark times. They needed someone who could fight for them – and she was the one God had chosen. Shawn told her he loved her, and he always would, but she still had to go on without him, living her life the way she had lived every day they’d spent together – happy and so full of life. It was what he wanted her to do, so she fought her way back into consciousness – for Shawn. For Tristan. But most of all, for herself.

 

“Wh…wh…where am I?” she asked, as she finally returned to the place she belonged – the place where she was loved and treasure. A place between heaven and hell. A place called life.

 

 

“I don’t care what my son’s will says, she is NOT getting that money. It doesn’t belong to her! His will states that TRISTAN and Paige are to inherit the money upon his death. Tristan is no longer with us, so Paige shouldn’t be entitled to his entire estate,” Shawn’s mother, Patricia, yelled, determined to cut her daughter-in-law out of her life for good.

 

“But I am his WIFE. Doesn’t that count for anything? I still love your son with every breath, every beat of my heart, and now both my husband and son are gone. I have nothing saved from the last 9 ½ years because I spent it raising MY son, YOUR grandson. Shawn always promised that no matter what happened, he’d make sure I was taken care of – that both Tristan and I were taken care of. Does that mean nothing to you? Doesn’t it matter what your son wanted, or does it really mean so little to you?” Paige cried, willing herself to be strong, no matter how much she just wanted to reach across the table and strangle the other woman. Sure, she knew that Shawn’s mother never liked her, but she didn’t expect this kind of behavior from her, after all they had been through over the last 11 years.

 

“Of course it does. I love my son with everything in me, but he’s gone, and so is my grandson. That means that any tie you had to my family is gone. All ties are broken between us. Therefore, you’re no longer a part of the Scott family,” she explained, her voice sickeningly sweet as she spoke to Paige like an ignorant child.

 

“I am still your son’s wife. I will be the only wife he will ever have had. Therefore, I will ALWAYS be connected to his family, like it or not,” Paige erupted, sick of having the same argument with her mother-in-law time and time again. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment in 20 minutes that I cannot miss,” she announced, “and I really don’t have time to sit here and rehash the same things over and over again with a bitter old woman like you.” With that, she stood up, walking out of the room without another word, disappointed with herself for sinking to her opponent’s level.

 

Things hadn’t gone well for Paige since her husband’s death. As soon as his mother found out about the tragic event, she was immediately on Paige’s case about Shawn’s will, stating she had no claim to his estate because all ties to his family were gone. It had been a long, exhausting battle, and Paige yearned desperately for the entire issue to be settled and done with so that she could get on with her life. The stress was driving her out of her mind, and she didn’t know how much more she could take before she completely lost it.

 

But that wasn’t the only thing keeping her awake at night. The whole situation, from suddenly having to get used to not having her husband and son around, to learning how to cope with living on her own for the first time in her life, was causing her to have many sleepless nights. Additionally, even after she had awoken in the hospital, she still had yet to shed another tear over the loss of her family, and the pent up emotions were causing her to snap at everyone, her best friends included. She was trying to be strong – trying to prove that she could handle the stress alone so that everyone would get off her case. However, her plan backfired as everyone became increasingly worried about her sanity with every day that passed without an external sign of her internal struggle.

 

What everyone didn’t know, though, was that Paige was avoiding sleep at every cost, afraid of the consequence that would befall her if she were to slip into a peaceful slumber. Every night she fell asleep, Shawn would come to her in her dreams, begging her to carry on without him, telling her that she was alive for a reason and that she still had a purpose on Earth. She ignored his advice, however, and continued on with her life as normal – or rather, in a routine that she had contrived to keep her mind off the recent tragic events.

 

Yet, despite all her struggles to handle the situation alone, a month after her return to her job at the local ABC affiliate, she quit, unable to handle the high levels of stress and pressure. So instead of going out every morning searching for a story, she spent her days curled up in the house she’d shared with her husband, packing his belongings into boxes to be sent to storage for safe keeping – at least until she decided what needed to be done with them.

 

Ring… ring… ring…ri

Right on schedule, she thought, looking at the clock, which read 8:15PM. “Hey Case,” she answered, a weary sigh escaping her lips unbeknownst to her.

 

“Hey girl! How did it go with Shawn’s mom today?” she asked, her phone calls becoming yet another daily ritual for Paige since her release from the hospital. If it weren’t for Casey’s phone calls, Paige would probably not have put forth the effort to talk to her closest friends, risking her friendships with them along with the loss of her husband.

 

“That stupid bitch can’t just let it go. She had the NERVE to bring Tristan into the argument again today, and I swear, I just wanted to reach across the table and strangle the old bat. I probably would have too, if the judge hadn’t been there,” Paige fumed, relieved to be able to vent to someone other than the empty walls of her house.

 

“She’s just bitter that her son chose you over her. That’s all this is. A typical mother-daughter-in-law power struggle. She feels threatened, thinking you’re going to get all her son’s possessions, and there won’t be anything left for her to remember her son by,” Casey wisely inferred.

 

“She knows me better than that, though. How many times have I asked her to come over to the house and sort through his things for anything she might want to keep? How many times have I offered to continue paying off her house with the money Shawn left me? How many times have I… have I told her that I understand what she’s going through – that I lost my son in that accident as well? She doesn’t care. She doesn’t care about me or my future. All she cares about is that her son is gone and I am the one thing standing in the way of her and his past,” Paige admitted, her eyes beginning to water at the thought of her only tie to her husband never being a part of her life.

 

“Paige, I know you’re dead-set against it, but I thin…” Casey started to plead her case once again, but to no avail.

 

“Case, I’m not coming on tour with you guys. I’m not going to be a burden for everyone, taking up space that could be used for someone else’s loved ones to be there,” she refuted, never giving into her friend’s request, despite the fact that she tried to plead her case every time they talked.

 

“Listen to me, Paige. I am not going to let you bury yourself in a house full of memories, wasting away. It’s terrible that Shawn and Tristan are gone. I know how much you loved your family – how much they meant to you, but you’re still here. I am NOT going to let my best friend live the rest of her life in misery. You deserve to be happy, Paige. You deserve it more than anyone else I know. And if I have to, I am going to fly to Colorado and drag you onto a plane. If that’s what it takes for you to realize that I am not going to lose my best friend, then so be it. I can be there in a couple hours,” Casey preached, determined to make her friend see the path she was headed down.

 

“I’m afraid to leave. I’m afraid of forgetting,” Paige softly admitted, a single tear trekking its way down her reddened cheeks.

 

“You could never forget Shawn or Tristan. They are a part of you. They will always be with you, no matter where you go. But it’s time for you to start living again. It’s been three months, Paige. It’s time,” she assured, wishing she could be by her best friend’s side during this monumental moment.

 

Casey was almost convinced that Paige had hung up when she heard the faint whisper of her friend’s voice asking the question she never thought she’d hear. “Where do you want me to meet you guys?”

 

“Can you meet us in Seattle in three days?” Casey questioned, ecstatic by Paige’s newfound acceptance of her well-thought out plan.

 

“I’ll be there,” she promised, already dreading the words. “I’ll be there.”

 

---

 

 

“Where is she? She said she’d be here by 3:15. If she doesn’t get here in 20 minutes, we’re going to have to leave for the venue without her,” Casey asked worriedly, glancing at her watch for what seemed like the hundredth time in the last 30 minutes.

 

“She’ll be here,” Serine promised. Serine had been Paige’s best friend for as long as she could remember – back when they’d been in high school together – and she had come to know her friend’s actions better than anyone. Right now, she predicted, Paige was second-guessing her decision to join the tour and was almost undoubtedly just outside the lobby doors waiting for that extra push to help her finally make the final step. “I’m just going to get a quick breath of fresh air. I’ll be right back.”

 

As soon as the huge lobby doors opened, Serine was hit with a suffocating blast of humid Seattle air and the familiar sound of her best friend’s voice questioning her whereabouts. “Where have you been? I figured you would have been out here 10 minutes ago looking for me,” Paige murmured, watching her friend whirl around to face her, a knowing smile spreading across her painted lips.

 

“Well, I wanted to give you a fair amount of time to decide for yourself before I bombarded you with my wisdom,” Serine smiled, moving toward the other woman to embrace her in a warm, familiar hug.

 

“Is everyone mad at me?” Paige questioned, glancing through the tinted windows at the aggravated looks from the rest of their party. “Brian looks downright pissed. Maybe I should have come in a little sooner.”

 

“Don’t mind Brian. He’s been a complete ass for the last few months now – ever since his divorce with Leighanne was finalized. He’s been taking his anger and frustration out on everyone else, so we’ve all just begun to ignore him,” Serine explained, staring at the man in question as he paced the lobby floor, the ever-present scowl growing deeper with every passing moment.

 

“I heard about that on DLS. Has it really been as bad as everyone’s been saying? I mean, I heard some pretty nasty stories from fans, and I just have a really hard time believing Brian could EVER be mean to a fan,” Paige explained, watching him closely as he grumbled quietly to himself, ignoring his best friend, AJ’s, advice to sit down and stop worrying.

 

“Unfortunately, the rumors are true. Brian’s not the same person he once was. He’s not the person we knew growing up. He’s been miserable ever since she walked out on him. No one knows how to break him out of this funk he seems to be in – and truthfully, no one wants to get near him anymore since he seems to only want to snap at anyone who gets close,” Serine sighed, wishing there were some way to break through to the man they were discussing.

 

“Well at least he still has his son. Has anyone told him that he’s lucky he still has Baylee in his life? I would give ANYTHING to still have my son in my life,” Paige mumbled, taking in a deep, calming breath in an attempt to hold back her tears.

 

“I think he’s too wrapped up in his own self-pity that nothing’s getting through right now. Besides, no one wants to get near the guy. It’s kind of hard to talk to him when he just keeps biting out heads off every time we do,” she scoffed, shaking her head the bleakness of the situation.

 

“You think we should head in there?” Paige asked, noticing that Howie was now pacing the floor alongside his bitter, angry band mate only to be yelled at by said band mate. “Preferably before your boyfriend gets his head chopped off?”

 

“Howie will be fine. You’ve never seen the man when he’s upset. He can take care of himself just fine,” she assured, smiling at her boyfriend’s pacing frame. “You know, I think the one time Nick set him off was enough to scar the man for life. He may look sweet and innocent, but if you push him just right, his Puerto Rican side will come out thrashing. You do not want to get on his bad side. ”

 

“Still, I think we better get in there before the rest of the guys end up hating me for life,” Paige refuted, smiling at her friend before pulling her into another hug. “Thanks for convincing me to do this. I needed to get away from that place.”

 

“That was all Casey, honey. But you’re welcome, nonetheless,” she accepted. “Now come on and hand me one of those bags. We’ve got a show to put on tonight.”

 

They walked into the hotel side-by-side, laughing and joking like only best friends can – at least until the rest of the group discovered her presence. As soon as her cover was blown, she was bombarded with a plethora of hugs and welcoming statements from the rest of the group.

 

“Paige, I’m so glad you’re here, girl! We thought for sure you ditched us and were on your way back to Colorado,” Casey enthusiastically greeted, hugging the very breath out of her friend’s tired body.

 

“It was a tempting thought, but I figured if I went back home, it wouldn’t be long before you and Serine were breaking down my door, dragging me to the airport – so I decided my best bet was to show up on my own,” Paige kidded, hugging the other woman with as much strength as she could muster in her jet-lagged body.

 

“You’re darn right we would have dragged you out of that house. You and I both know you needed to get out of that house before you drove yourself insane. And I was going to make sure that happened, no matter the consequences,” Casey admitted, smiling at the look on her friend’s face. “You remember Nick and Howie, right?” she unnecessarily questioned.

 

”Of course! It’s great to see you guys again,” Paige addressed, reaching out to give the men in question a hug. “This time on better circumstances.”

 

“And this is Alex McLean, the resident rebel of the group,” Serine introduced, dragging a reluctant Alex over to the celebration. He has heard so many crazy stories about the woman he was about to meet that he was a little bit intimidated by her presence. However, this woman in front of him was nothing like the woman he had heard about non-stop since the beginning of Serine and Howie’s and Casey and Nick’s relationships.

 

“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Alex. I’m the undoubtedly infamous Paige Scott,” she introduced, laughing at the thought of what her two best friends might have told the man in front of her about their crazy fan exploits. He looked absolutely terrified, and she could only imagine what he thought of her past.

 

“The pleasure’s mine. I’ve heard some… interesting stories about your crazy adventures as a fan,” Alex stated, raising an eyebrow in a questioning manner, trying to get her to admit to her past experiences. All he got in response was a simple smirk and a knowing look.

 

“And this grumbling man over here is Brian Littrell,” Howie introduced, deciding to take on the role of introducing his not-so-friendly band mate.

 

“Hi, Brian, it’s an honor to meet you. I’ve been a fan for years,” Paige declared, reaching out a hand for him to shake. However, all she got was a cold stare, a disgruntled huff, and a soft, ‘whatever’ mumbled in her direction. This was most definitely not the man she had grown up admiring all her life. This wasn’t even a shell of that man. This was a different man entirely.

 

“Can we go now?” he asked, an exasperated tone replacing the happy-go-lucky attitude she was used to seeing.

 

“Yeah, we can go,” Howie sighed, praying for a miracle to help their brother get through his hard times unscathed and unbroken.

 

“Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea,” Paige whispered to no one in particular, shaking her head before dropping her bags off with security and following the rest of the group to the vans. This is going to be a long tour.

The hall was quiet and still as the guests lay in peaceful slumber, immersed in a world of dreams and illusion, securely covered in their warm hotel beds. The only sound heard in the dead of night was the almost inaudible sound of someone crying just beyond the balcony doors on the 15th floor – the Backstreet Boys’ floor. At least, that was the only sound Paige could hear as she carefully made her way down the darkened hall, each silent step taking her closer to the mystery sound and the owner of the heart-wrenching cries.

 

The sight she found upon reaching her destination couldn’t have been a more shocking scene, witnessed with her own eyes in the dead quiet of the late Seattle night. In a small, plastic chair, in the far right corner of the balcony, sat none other than Mr. Brian Littrell himself, lost in a world of misery and tears. Despite his previous actions from earlier that day, Paige couldn’t help but feel pity for the broken man in front of her, wanting nothing more than to reach out to him and comfort him the way she wished someone would comfort her.

 

“Brian?” she slowly questioned, letting him accommodate for her sudden appearance. “Brian, are you alright?” she asked, concerned by the man’s lack of control. “I mean, obviously you’re not alright, but is there something I can do? Can I help?”

 

“What are you doing here?” he hissed, clearly startled and humiliated by her presence. “Just leave me alone.”

 

“Brian, I didn’t mean to scare you, but I…” she started to respond, only to be cut off mid-sentence by his angry, harsh words.

 

“I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE!” he growled, his face turning red with his mounting rage, his eyes turning glassy as he continued to glare at the woman in front of him – the only person to see him cry since his divorce. “Is it too much to ask to get a little privacy around here? Does everyone always have to stick their noses into my business? Just go away.”

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I just wanted… I’ll just go,” she stumbled, flustered by his sudden outburst. “I’m really sorry,” she added, turning and running quickly in the direction of her room, shaken by the anger and ferocity she’d seen in his eyes.

 

“Paige? Paige, wait. What happened?” Serine questioned, chasing after her friend as she raced down the hallway in a desperate attempt to get away from her verbal attacker. “PAIGE!” she screamed, trying to catch up to the shivering, frightened woman who was currently fumbling with her hotel key, obviously in a hurry to get into the safe confines of her hotel room.

 

“I didn’t mean to… I just wanted to… I never meant to…I wanted…” she stuttered, still shaken by the harshness in Brian’s tone as he had yelled at her just moments before. “I didn’t mean to upset him.”

 

“Paige, look at me. Tell me what happened,” Serine calmly instructed, grasping onto Paige in an attempt to soothe her frayed nerves. “What did he say to you? What happened?” she pleaded, unable to believe that Brian could cause this kind of a reaction in her normally level-headed friend.

 

“He was so angry. I just wanted to help and he just started yelling!” Paige recalled, her eyes wide with fear. She was still shivering, but at least she was no longer hysterical.

 

“Oh, honey, I told you he’s not the same man he once was. You shouldn’t let him affect you like this. He’s not himself right now, and it’s better to just leave him alone at this point. He’s the only one who can help himself now. It’s better if you just ignore him like the rest of us do,” Serine advised, glancing cautiously down the hall for any signs of the topic at hand. “Leighanne did a real number on him. Don’t get me wrong, she’s the sweetest person you could ever meet, but he loved her so much that, now, he doesn’t know what to do without her. Don’t take it personal.”

 

“What did she do to him?” she wondered out loud, her mind wandering to thoughts of what could have possibly turned him from the Southern gentleman she had idolized to the cruel man he was today.

 

“I don’t know. No one does. He won’t talk to anyone. He pretends like nothing’s wrong in interviews and on TV, but as soon as the cameras are gone, he’s back to being Cranky-Pants-Littrell again. He spends his days sulking and his nights are spent locked away, alone, in his room,” Serine regretfully sighed, staring at Brian as he made his way back to his room, all signs of his tears gone, leaving his usual scowl in their wake.

 

“What about Baylee?” Paige asked, her eyes following Brian’s movements carefully, a look of pity crossing her face as she watched him look himself away – using his hotel door as a barrier between him and the rest of the world.

 

“Sometimes he spends his nights with Baylee – but most of the time he leaves Baylee with his nanny, Erica,” Serine explained, motioning to the room right next to Brian’s where Erica and Baylee were staying for the night.

 

“Poor kid,” Paige sighed, wondering what the ramifications of Brian’s actions would be regarding his son. “I hope this doesn’t change him. He’s too young to have such a burden to deal with. I just hope someone can break through to Brian soon before it starts affecting Baylee.”

 

“Me too,” Serine responded. “I just hope it’s not already too late.”

 

“God help him.”

 

---

 

“Whew! What a day! I’m exhausted,” Casey yawned, tired after spending all day sightseeing in Seattle with Paige before heading to the venue for the Boys’ show. “I don’t know how I’m going to stay awake during the concert,” she joked, knowing that as soon as the show began, she would be wide-awake.

 

“You have to admit, though, that you had fun sampling all those different types of coffee. Never in my life have I seen so many different coffee houses on one street,” Paige exclaimed, amazed that one city could have so many different brands of coffee.

 

“I did! But maybe I should have gotten regular instead of decaf. I think I’m in need of an energy boost. I’m gonna go get something to drink. Want anything?” she questioned, already headed off in search of a the coke machine.

 

“Naw. Unlike you, I had the regular coffee. I’ll be lucky if I can get to bed before 3 in the morning at this rate,” she kidded, laughing as Casey rolled her eyes and shook her head in disbelief.

 

“I’ll be right back,” she promised.

 

“Alright,” Paige agreed, smiling.

 

Still hyped up from the large amounts of caffeine flowing through her veins, Paige decided to explore the venue a little bit before Casey came back from her coke hunt, too anxious to just stand still.

 

As she rounded the corner for the hallway containing the dressing rooms, she heard the quiet sniffles that could only come from a crying child. The sight she found when she entered the hall was enough to make her heart break and tears well up in her eyes. Sitting outside one of the dressing rooms sat Baylee, tears streaming down his reddened cheeks while he sat there wiping his nose on his sleeve.

 

She cautiously approached him, not wanting to startle the boy, but wanting to comfort him somehow. “Hey. Do you mind if I sit with you?” she asked, smiling sweetly at the young kid as he looked up at his companion.

 

“You can sit if you want,” he mumbled, wiping his tears while she took her seat beside him. “Who are you? I don’t think I know you,” he asked, looking up at her with curiosity in his shining blue orbs.

 

“I’m Paige. I’m friends with Howie and Nick. You’re Baylee, right? Brian’s son?” she asked, giving him a quick nudge with her shoulder and a huge, mega-watt smile, showing him that she already knew who he was.

“Yeah…” he sighed, his eyes watering at the mention of his father.

 

“Do mind if I ask why you’re crying?” she gently probed, not wanting him to feel pressured, but wanting to help him nonetheless.

 

“My daddy yelled at me. He said I was talking too much and made his head hurt. I didn’t mean to make his head hurt. I just wanted to tell him about Sheattle,” he explained, his eyes wide with innocence.

 

“Your daddy’s just stressed. I’m sure he didn’t mean to yell at you. You can tell me about Seattle if you want to,” she offered, watching as the smile returned to Baylee’s face and the gleam returned to his eyes.

 

“Really?” he asked, his face glowing at the prospect of sharing his adventures with someone else.

 

“Really,” she confirmed, smiling at the young boy as he began recalling his day sightseeing around Seattle with Erica. He was so animated, using his whole body to tell his story about the boat ride and his trip to Starbucks.

 

“And then, on the boat, there were birds flying in the air. One of them landed on the roof, but then he got scared away by the horn. And the captain let me blow the horn and drive the boat. It was AWESOME!” he exclaimed, causing Paige to laugh her appreciation.

 

“Oh yeah?” she asked, letting him know she was still listening.

 

“Yeah! And then we got to feed the birds and we went to the coffee place and then we went to this big thing in the sky that goes up and down and we ate in the sky thingy. I forgot what it’s called, but it was so cool! Daddy would have been afraid. He doesn’t like heights,” Baylee added, referring to the Space Needle.

 

“He’s afraid of heights, huh?” she asked.

 

“Yeah. He doesn’t like heights. He gets scared when we go on the plane, but Uncle Kevin likes to fly the planes. He told me that he was going to teach me to fly planes someday. And then I can help daddy not be afraid of heights anymore,” Baylee gleefully added, showing obvious love for his father despite the day’s prior events. “Do you think daddy’s still mad at me?” he asked, his innocent question bringing tears to Paige’s eyes.

 

“No. I don’t think your daddy was ever mad at you, Bayles. I think he’s just upset. Your daddy loves you. Very much. And I don’t think he could stay mad for very long,” she soothed, trying to reassure the young boy about his father’s love – which had obviously been lacking over the last few months.

 

“I think he’s upset about Mommy,” Baylee admitted, looking down, a pout covering his previously cheerful face. “Mommy left us. She said she met another daddy. She told me that she would always love me, even if her and daddy weren’t together anymore. I think Daddy’s upset because mommy doesn’t love him anymore,” Baylee observed, proving to Paige just how intelligent and observant he really was.

 

“I think you’re right, Baylee. Now we just have to figure out how to make your daddy happy again,” she told him, conspiring with Baylee to try and find a way to bring back the old Brian. If anyone would know how to do it, Brian’s son would.

 

“Maybe we should buy him chocolate!” Baylee exclaimed, excitedly.

 

“Chocolate, huh? Your dad likes chocolate? Do you know his favorite kind?” she asked, a plan already forming in her mind.

 

“Milk Chocolate!” Baylee proudly exclaimed, a smile spreading across his face.

 

“Okay. Tomorrow, we’ll bring your daddy some chocolate, but we can’t tell anyone. It has to be a surprise,” Paige persuaded, smiling at the excitement in his eyes.

 

“Okay!” he yelled, wanting to make his daddy happy again.

 

“Baylee! My man, there you are. Your dad is freaking out. You better go find him, little dude, before he gets mad,” Nick announced, approaching quickly.

 

“Uh oh. I’m in trouble,” Baylee whispered to Paige, giggling at the look on Paige’s face. “Daddy’s mad.”

 

“You better go find him before he gets madder. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay, Bales?” Paige confirmed, smiling at the boy.

 

“Okay! Bye Paige! Bye Nick!”

 

“Bye kiddo!”  they responded in unison, laughing at themselves.

 

“So what were you talking to the Little Man about?” Nick questioned, smiling at the look of complete bliss on Paige’s face.

 

“Everything,” she laughed, remembering how Baylee kept changing the conversation every few seconds. He was so full of energy, and it reminded her of her own son when he was that age. “He’s a good kid,” she whispered, watching as he finally turned the corner into his father’s dressing room. “I just hope his father realizes what he has before it’s too late.”

 

“Me too. Baylee needs his father now more than ever, and Brian just keeps blowing him off. I don’t know how much more the kid can take. I just hope Brian gets his head outta his ass before it’s too late,” Nick announced, sighing in defeat.

 

“Don’t worry, Nicky. I’m working on it,” she stated, a sense of determination flooding her veins as she thought about Baylee and how upset he had been when she had first found him. “He’s not giving up on Baylee without a fight from me. That kid needs his father, and if it’s the last thing I do, he’ll get him.”

 

She was so focused, her mind set on the task at hand, that she missed the smug smirk that crossed Nick’s face as he watched her eyes squint in determination. Maybe there was hope for Brian after all.

“So? We goin clubbin tonight or what?” Alex questioned as soon as the last interviewer had left the room. “We’re only in Los Angeles for one more night! It’s time to show this town how we do!”

 

“Shut up, Alex. Don’t you ever get tired of being the center of attention?” Brian growled, the scowl returning to his face now that the interviews were over. “And you’re not black, so quite trying to act like you are. It makes you look like an idiot.”

 

“What the hell crawled up your ass and died. Seriously man, I wasn’t even talking to you. We all know what your plans are tonight. You’re going to head back to the hotel and barricade yourself in your room like you’ve done every other night for the last four months. Well you know what? We’re sick of your attitude and it’s time you got over it dude. She left you, but you still have a son who needs you. Maybe you should think about that instead of whether or not I’m the center of attention,” Alex lectured, returning his friend’s glare with just as much intensity as he was getting.

 

“Not like it’s any of your business, but I was planning on watching a movie with my son tonight, thank you very much. Maybe you should get your facts straight before you go accusing people,” he spat, barely able to control his mounting anger.

 

“Well, shit man. After four months of doing the same thing every night, what else are we supposed to think? I don’t even know you anymore man, and I’ve been your best friend for 15 years! Doesn’t that mean something to you? Anything at all? What about your son? Your own flesh and blood barely even knows his own father anymore. Don’t you think there’s something wrong with that?” Alex pointed out, knowing that if he backed down now, he might risk losing his brother forever.

 

“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE! You don’t know what it feels like to find out your wife doesn’t love you anymore! How do you think I felt when she told me that she didn’t want to live a lie anymore, huh? How do you think I felt when she told me that she was leaving for good? That she wanted a divorce? Don’t pretend like you understand, because you don’t,” Brian ranted, his face bright red and his eyes teary and bloodshot. “You have no idea what I’m going through, so don’t stand there and pretend you do.”

 

“Then talk to us man. Tell us what’s going on. We’re your brothers. We care. We want to help you. But we can’t help if we don’t know what’s going on. You can’t keep pushing us away forever, Brian. We’re always going to be here for you, no matter what,” Alex soothed, trying to calm his angry friend.

 

“I can’t… I just, I can’t,” Brian responded, sighing in defeat before walking out of the room without another word. The rest of the group just sat there, eyes locked on the door as they tried to comprehend what just happened.

 

“Damn. I tried, but that man is freakin stubborn,” Alex unnecessarily explained.

 

“We know man. You got more out of him than any of us have gotten over the last four months. We just have to keep trying,” Howie encouraged, laying a comforting hand on his best friend’s sagging shoulders. “We can’t give up on him. We have to keep trying.”

 

“I know, D, but he just makes it so hard sometimes,” Alex vented.

 

“So we try harder each time until we finally get through to him. He’s our brother and we’re not going to just let him live the rest of his life miserable and bitter,” Howie preached, looking around at the other two occupants of the room.

 

“You’re right D. He just makes me so mad sometimes,” Alex fumed, starting to get wound up again.

 

“Hey guys! How did it go?” Casey asked, entering the room, followed closely by Serine and Paige. “What happened in here?” she asked, noticing the guys’ gloomy faces and the solemn atmosphere in the room.

 

“Alex just got into it with Brian,” Nick informed his girlfriend, giving her a sweet, passionate kiss before returning his attention to the rest of the room. “I think he made progress, but there’s no telling with Brian anymore. The man’s just not the same. He’s not Frick anymore,” he added, a frown crossing his face.

 

“Hey baby,” Howie greeted Serine, giving her a gentle kiss before returning the subject back to the issue at hand. “So what are we doing tonight? Are we going out or are we just going to stay in and have some kind of movie night?”

 

“I say we just stay in and see what’s on Pay-Per-View. I don’t really feel like going out anymore,” Alex voted, his energy spent after his argument with Brian. “What about the rest of y’all? In or out?

 

“I agree with Alex. I think we should just relax, watch a movie, eat popcorn – have a good old-fashioned movie night,” Paige approved, looking around the room for any objections to the plan.

 

“Okay! Movie night it is,” Howie declared, his excitement for a nice relaxing evening in growing. “Whose room should we meet in?” he asked, wanting to settle all the details before everyone went their separate ways to prepare for their night.

 

“How about we meet in mine? Out of the people not sharing a room, mine is probably the cleanest,” Paige suggested, shooting a challenging look at Alex, daring him to argue with her.

 

“Yeah, let’s trash her room tonight so she’s the one who has to pick up the mess in the morning,” Alex agreed, returning her challenging look with a gloating look of his own. “After all, she volunteered.”

 

“Since it’s in my room, I am officially uninviting Alex. Everyone else, I’ll see you over there in half an hour. Any particular requests from room service?”

 

“Yeah! Make sure there’s plenty of popcorn! Ooh, and gummy worms… And ice cream! Oh, don’t forget the cokes! We’re going to need lots of caffeine tonight. Oh yeah! And get some of those Cooler Ranch Doritos,” Nick listed off, getting excited by every new addition to the list. “Oh! And don’t forget the Oreos and milk!”

 

“Nick, I don’t think room service has all of that,” Casey informed her boyfriend.

 

“It’s okay. I’ll just make a quick trip to that Walgreen’s across the street,” Paige offered, attempting to write down everything on Nick’s list. “Anything else?”

 

“Chocolate covered popcorn?” Casey requested, garnering strange looks from everyone in the room – except for Paige, who nodded her head in agreement. “And maybe some Twinkies while you’re at it,” Casey laughed, sharing an inside joke with Paige.

 

“Did you ever tell Nick about that joke?” Paige questioned, wagging her eyebrows at the man in question. His blank stare gave her all the response she needed to know that Casey had never told them about their Twinkie plan.

 

“Casey and I had this plan that since everyone likes to throw stuff on stage during the concerts, she and I would go to a Backstreet concert together one day and throw Twinkies on stage – one for Nick and one for Brian. Nick’s would have the name Thor written on it, and Brian’s would just have his name on it,” Paige explained, bursting out into laughter as Nick’s face turned bright red from embarrassment due to the nickname given to his most sensitive body part by his fans.

 

“OH MY GOD! That would have been hilarious! You should have done it!” Alex exclaimed, barely able to contain his laughter enough to get his words out before they were swallowed in his amusement. “Twinkies,” he laughed, shaking his head at our crazy fan adventures. “Classic. Just classic.”

 

 

“Oh man, the things I could tell you about Casey and our wild, crazy fan days,” Paige teased, laughing at her friend’s discomfort. “But I’ll save the rest of those stories for another time,” she kidded.“Alright, I’ll see you all back in my room in half an hour,” Paige declared, dismissing the rest of the group to their various rooms to get ready for their movie night. “Aren’t you going to go get ready?” she asked Alex when she noticed he hadn’t left with the rest of the group.

 

“Actually, I thought you might want some help getting all the stuff from Walgreen’s so I thought I’d offer,” Alex explained, giving her his sweetest smile. “Besides, how else am I going to pick your brain about your crazy fan adventures?”

 

“Oh Alex, don’t ever change,” Paige laughed, patting the younger man on the shoulder.

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he questioned, following her down the hall to the elevators. “No, seriously, what is that supposed to mean?” he asked, when all he got in response was a resounding laugh.

 

“It means never lose that childlike curiosity. It’s the one thing that will help keep you grounded in this world,” Paige wisely explained, smiling at the innocence of the man in front of her. Despite everyone’s claims stating he was the most experienced of them all when it came to matters of life, he still held onto the childlike innocence. He may have been through his fair share of bad times, but he still held onto that hope – that open-eyed wonder – that so many adults lose with age and experience.

 

It was one of the things that Paige, herself, could relate to. On more than one occasion during her marriage, Shawn would stop what he was doing and just watch Paige’s reaction to new experiences or objects, saying he loved seeing the innocence in her eye whenever she discovered something new.

 

“Are you okay?” Alex questioned, watching the torrent of emotions sweep through her eyes, leaving a lingering sadness in its wake.

 

“Huh? Oh, I’m fine. I was just thinking,” she responded, shaking her thoughts from her mind, not willing to risk breaking down in the middle of the hotel lobby with so many people to witness it.

 

“Are you sure? I mean, you looked downright distraught there for a second,” Alex pried, trying to get her to open up to him. He had heard from both Serine and Casey how worried they were that Paige hadn’t shed a single tear in memory of her husband or son since the accident.

 

“I’m fine. Thanks for asking, though,” she smiled an empty smile, grateful for his concern but wishing he would drop the subject all the same. “I was just thinking about my husband, that’s all.”

 

“He sounds like he was a great man,” Alex complimented.

 

“He was the most remarkable man I’ve ever met. He went through so much in his lifetime, but he never stopped living life to the fullest for a second of that time. He was always so full of life and trying to make everyone around him happy. That’s one of the things I loved most about him. His ability to bring out the best in everyone around him. He was an amazing man,” Paige reminisced, her eyes welling up at the memories of her beloved husband.

 

“If you ever want to talk, I’m here for you,” Alex offered, pulling her into a comforting embrace. “Anytime.”

 

“Thanks. I may take you up on that one of these days,” she accepted, holding on to him while she gathered her composure.

 

“Anytime,” he repeated.

 

“Paige!” the excited little voice carried down the hallway, his face mirroring the excitement in his voice. “It worked! It worked! Daddy ate all the chocolate and then watched a movie with me!”

 

“He did? That’s great, Bayles!” she returned his enthusiasm, glad to see him smiling again. “What did you watch?” she asked as soon as he reached her, kneeling down so that she was eye-level with the small child.

 

“The Lion King. It daddy’s favorite,” Baylee responded, giving Paige the biggest smile he could muster. “Thank you for making daddy not be mad at me anymore,” Baylee graciously stated, wrapping his little arms tightly around her neck in a hug.

 

“Awww, Baylee. You don’t have to thank me, kiddo,” she told him, returning the hug with just as much fervor as the young boy. “But I love hugs. You can give me a hug anytime you want to.”

 

“Okay!” he exclaimed, his smile brightening even more – if that was at all possible.

 

“Hey, I have an idea, Bayles. Why don’t we go to the San Diego zoo? You know, they have one of the best zoos in the world,” Paige suggested, looking at Erica for her approval as she joined the duo. “What do you think, Erica? Do you think Brian would mind?”

 

“I don’t think he’d have a problem with it,” Erica responded before turning her attention to the miniature version of her boss. “What do you think, Baylee? Want to go to the zoo?

 

“Yeah!” he exclaimed, starting to jump around in his excitement. “Can we bring Uncle Nick? He loves the zoo. But he’s afraid of the sharks,” Baylee grimly informed the rest of the group.

 

“Uncle Nick has rehearsals all day today. But we’ll still have fun just the three of us, right Kiddo?” Paige regretfully informed him, upset that she was disappointing him – even if the situation was out of her control.

 

“Right!” he announced, the smile once again returning to his jubilant, young face.

 

“Let me go get my purse and tell Mr. Littrell where we’re going, and I’ll be right back,” Erica declared, already headed back to the dressing room to retrieve said purse. As if reading Paige’s mind, she added, “Don’t worry, I won’t tell him you’re going with us. Some things are just better left unsaid.”

 

“Thanks, Erica,” Paige gratefully responded, glad to have another ally on her team.

 

---

 

 

*At the zoo*

 

“Ooooh! That’s awesome! Did you see it roar? I wish I had a pet tiger. Do you think it would daddy could buy me a tiger for my birthday? It’s only six months away. I’ll be six! I can take care of it all by myself. Do you think he’ll get me one?” Baylee asked, never once stopping to give anyone else a chance to speak. He had been a constant ball of energy all day long – just like his father had always been. It was actually quite cute to watch, and Paige was having genuine fun for the first time since the loss of her family. Baylee was just what she needed to get her life back on track, and she was extremely grateful for the chance to spend the day with him, no matter how quickly it seemed to be passing.

 

“I think a tiger is too big for you to have as a pet. How about a cat instead? They’re just like tigers, only a little bit smaller,” Paige suggested, laughing at the crestfallen look that appeared across his pouting face at her refusal.

 

“Okay. But can I get one with stripes? And can I name the cat ‘Tiger?’” he questioned, his eyes shining with hope. “That way, I can still pretend he’s a tiger and then have him jump through the hoops and roar at people.”

 

“You can name him whatever you want to,” Paige agreed, her smile showing her amusement. “Hey Bayles? Are you hungry?” she asked, noticing for the first time that they’d made it to the food court.

 

“Yeah!” he shouted, his smile once again returning full force.

 

“What do you want to eat, Little Man?” she asked, looking around and examining her options. “There’s chicken, pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, tacos, and nachos,” she listed, her eyes darting between the two restaurants in front of her, Flamingo Café and Lagoon Terrace.

 

“PIZZA!” he excitedly announced, giving Paige a smirking smile, which she had dubbed the Nick smirk, named after the culprit who was undoubtedly behind teaching Baylee how to do it.

 

“Alright. Pizza it is,” she agreed, heading toward the Lagoon Terrace restaurant.

 

“Pizza is Uncle Nick’s favorite! He used to eat it all the time, but not anymore. Since he went on his diet,” he explained, drawing out the word “diet” so that it sounded like he was saying something entirely different. “He doesn’t eat ice cream anymore either. Or chips. Or cookies and cake. Or McDonald’s. He eats salads and vegetables now,” he added, skewing up his nose in disgust as he said the word “vegetables,” which came out sounding more like “veggie tables.”

 

“Uncle Nick wanted to get healthy for the tour. That’s why he’s on a diet,” Paige explained. “He wanted to be able to perform on tour better, so he decided to lose some weight and start exercising more.”

 

“And so he can pick up chicks and get married someday, right?” Baylee innocently questioned, not knowing the meaning behind his words.

 

“Where did you hear that?!” Paige exclaimed, shocked to hear that sentence coming from the 5-year-old boy by her side.

 

“Uncle AJ said…” he began, before being cut off by Paige.

 

“That’s all I needed to know,” she laughed, unable to believe AJ had let that slip in front of Baylee. Over the years raising her son, Tristan, Paige had learned a valuable lesson about the interactions between children and adults. Children were acutely aware of everything being said by the adults in the room. However, the adults usually either had no idea there were children in the room, or they just didn’t realize that what they were saying should have been edited for the children’s sake. “Remind me to have a talk with Uncle AJ, okay Bayles?”

 

“Uh oh! Uncle AJ’s in trouble,” Baylee observed, knowing those words well from the times his mother and father had argued. “You’re not going to leave because Uncle AJ’s in trouble, are you?” he questioned, thinking about his own mother and how she had left when his father and her had fought.

 

“Oh Baylee, no! I’m not going to leave because of Uncle AJ. I promise. It will take more than that to get me to leave you, kiddo. And I promise, when the tour’s over and I do leave, I’m still going to call you all the time and hang out with you. How’s that?” Paige promised, touched by the thought of Baylee’s growing fondness for her.   

 

“Promise?” he mumbled, his pout making it hard for him to talk clearly.

 

“Promise. You can’t get rid of me that easily, Bayles. I’m here for a long time,” she assured the worried child, pulling him in for a big hug. “What do you say we go get some food now, huh?” she questioned, changing the mood. “Should we call Erica and tell her we’re eating?” After nearly three hours straight of wandering the zoo, Erica had gotten tired and had opted to stay at one of the coffee shops by the entrance while the other two continued on their journey, un-phased by the lack of their third group member’s presence.

 

“Yeah. She was really tired. I think she misses her boyfriend,” Baylee added, suddenly worried about his nanny and friend.

 

“Why do you say that?” Paige asked.

 

“Because she talks to him all the time on the phone, and then she cries. She said she cries because of her boyfriend, so I think she misses him. She has a big, sparkly ring on her finger, like mommy used to have, so I think she’s going to get married to her boyfriend,” Baylee informed, looking up at Paige with worried eyes. “If she gets married, who’s going to take care of me?”

 

“You don’t have to worry about that. I’m sure that if she gets married, you’ll be fine. Your daddy wouldn’t let you be alone. He loves you, honey, and it’s his job to protect you,” Paige told Baylee, easing his worries. “Besides, if Erica does leave, you can always hang out with me instead.”

 

“Really!? Cool!” he yelled, excited by the prospect.

 

“Way cool,” Paige agreed, smiling at the little boy who was so full of life. “Definitely way cool. I’m hungry kiddo. Let’s call Erica and then get something to eat! That way we can finish looking at all the animals,” she declared, already pulling her cell phone out of her purse.

 

“Alright!” Baylee sang, sounding just like his father at the end of the chorus in “Everybody.”

 

“Backstreet’s Back, alright,” Paige joked, before returning her attention back to the ringing phone in her hands. “Erica, hey….”

  

---

 

“Man, for a little guy, this kid is kind of heavy,” Paige noticed, the weight of the sleeping child in her arms making it hard for her to walk. “Or maybe I’m just weaker than I thought I was.”

 

“I can take him, if you’d like,” Erica offered, already reaching out to accept the little boy into her own arms.

 

“Naw, I’m fine. It’s just that he’s sleeping, so it’s dead weight. Besides, we’re almost to the room. I’ll be fine,” Paige declined, adjusting the boy again so he didn’t start slipping out of her grasp. “But I do think you’re going to have to open the door,” she kidded, looking at the other woman with a playful, joking smile on her face.

 

“I think I can manage,” she joked, flashing the first smile Paige had seen all day.

 

“Baylee told me about your boyfriend,” Paige mentioned, carefully broaching the subject. “He said your boyfriend makes you cry.”

 

“I had forgotten how observant kids were,” she smiled, looking down at the floor as they continued their journey back to the hotel. “We’re just going through a rough time right now. He proposed just before I left for this job, and I think it was just an attempt to keep me from going. Now, whenever I try to talk to him about getting married or setting a wedding date, he gets upset. Sometimes I wonder why I’m still with him if he gets that upset about the thought of marrying me,” she confessed, playing with the engagement ring on her finger as she spoke.

 

“Have you told him all of this? Have you told him that you feel like he doesn’t want to marry you – even after he proposed?” Paige questioned, adjusting Baylee again before returning her attention to the woman in front of her.

 

“Yes, but it only makes him that much more upset. It’s better to just ignore it instead of bringing it up anymore. But I just don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of fighting with him about the same things over and over again, but at the same time, I love him too much to just leave him now.”

 

“Well look at it this way,” Paige advised. “If you’re already tired of fighting with him now and you guys aren’t even married yet, how do you plan on making your marriage work? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but marriage isn’t this perfect little dream world everyone always likes to tell you about. I learned that the hard way. It takes a lot of hard work and a lot of effort from both sides to make it work. If you’re tired of fighting now, there is no way your marriage will survive. Don’t get me wrong, if you find the right guy, it is totally worth the fights and the arguments, but you have to have the kind of guy who will be willing to work WITH you, not AGAINST you. Do you understand what I mean?” Paige asked, trying to help the younger woman make up her mind.

 

“Yeah…” she sighed, taking the other woman’s words into consideration. “But I can’t just stop loving him because we argue all the time,” she protested.

 

“I understand. But truthfully, sometimes love just isn’t enough,” she stated honestly, hating the truth of the situation, but know that it needed to be said.

 

“I’m beginning to see that,” Erica agreed, letting out a tired, disappointed sigh. “But how do I tell him that love just isn’t enough for us?”

 

“Just like that. Tell him that you love him, but you can’t live the rest of your life with someone who won’t work with you, who won’t compromise. Start with that and the rest will come,” Paige responded, stopping outside the door to Erica and Baylee’s room.

 

“Why does love always have to be so difficult?” Erica sighed, letting out a forced laugh in an attempt to lighten the mood.

 

“Because it wouldn’t be worth it in the end if you didn’t have to work for it and fight so hard to keep it,” she wisely explained, drawing from her own experiences with Shawn.  

 

“I know I haven’t told you this before, and I know it won’t help any, but I’m really sorry about your husband and son. It’s terrible what happened,” she sympathized.

 

Paige drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “Yeah. I miss them both dearly, but I’m starting to think God has another plan for my future. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what that plan is and trust that God won’t lead me down the wrong path.”

 

“That’s all any of us can do,” Erica smiled. “Here, I’ll take Bay so that you can get some sleep,” she offered, holding out her arms for the sleeping child.

 

“Thanks. If you need to talk, I’m just down the hall,” Paige offered, carefully sliding the sleeping figure in her arms into the awaiting arms of the younger woman. “Thanks for letting me join you guys at the zoo.”

 

“I should be thanking you for giving me the day off,” Erica joked. “Anytime you want to hang out with us, you’re more than welcome to. And thanks for listening to me vent about Ryan. I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.”

 

“Anytime. Goodnight Erica. Night Bayles,” she added, kissing the little boy’s exposed forehead.

 

“Goodnight Paige. Sweet dreams.”

 

Sweet dreams? Yeah right. Paige thought, closing her own door softly behind her.

 

“It’s not working! The plan’s not working!” Casey screamed in frustration, pacing the room in her attempt to disperse of her pent up frustration. “Why does Brian have to be such a… such a…. a JERK!?” she questioned rhetorically, not expecting any of her fellow conspirators to have the answer.

 

“I don’t know, honey. Brian’s not Brian anymore. He’s like some kind of evil zombie version of Brian,” Nick soothed, trying to ease his girlfriend’s frayed nerves. They all had seen the stress Brian’s attitude had caused on Paige. They’d seen her crestfallen face time and again after one of Brian’s insults. They’d seen the look of pity on her face as she had watched him walk away from everyone he loved, pushing the people who cared most about him out of his life. And there was nothing any of them could do to help him.

 

“If Brian would just quit being a jackass, maybe he’d be able to see what’s right in front of him. Paige is just the type of woman he needs in his life. She’s strong, independent and fearless. He’s an old-fashioned romantic, and will do anything just to make her laugh or smile. She’s the world’s greatest mother – at least according to TJ. He’s an amazing father – when he’s not being an ass,” Casey swooned, describing the pair. “Plus, Brian and Paige have so much in common. They like a lot of the same music. They’re both extremely family oriented. Very religious. They both love kids. They love basketball and singing. But they also balance each other out. Paige is a lot more serious than Brian and will help keep him in line and focused. But he will also help her loosen up and stop worrying so much. I mean, you couldn’t FIND a more perfect couple!”

 

“Who’s a perfect couple?” Alex asked, hearing the tail end of the conversation as he entered the room.

 

The other four occupants exchanged looks, wondering whether they should let their band mate in on their plan. After all, he had befriended Paige fairly quickly and might be able to help them move their plan along. “Brian and Paige,” Serine answered, watching Alex’s reaction closely.

 

A smile spread across his face at the thoughts formulating in his head. “You guys set this up, didn’t you? You invited Paige here to set her up with Brian,” he accused, unable to stop his smile from spreading.

 

“Yeah. We thought that since they’re both having such a difficult time moving on with their lives, we might be able to give them a little extra push in the right direction. Actually, even before Shawn’s death or Brian’s divorce, we knew they’d be perfect together – but they were both happily married, so we just let the idea drop. But now…” Serine trailed off.

 

“But now, they’re both single, and you thought you might be able to play matchmaker,” Alex finished, shaking his head at his friend’s crazy scheme. “It’s not going to be easy.”

 

“Yeah. Thanks Einstein. We’ve kinda already figured that out,” Nick scoffed, just as frustrated as his girlfriend. After all, Brian was his best friend, and he was tired of watching him suffer every day from the loss of his marriage. He knew he couldn’t just stand by and watch his brother throw his life away.

 

“As I was saying… it’s not going to be easy, but I think you’re actually on to something. I’ve been talking to Paige, and she’s getting fed up with Brian’s behavior just like the rest of us. She’s not taking his crap anymore, and I think she’s on the right track with that attitude, but she may need a little encouragement from the rest of us,” Alex continued, glaring at his younger band mate.

 

“Wait, you mean she’s standing up to him now?” Howie questioned, clearly surprised by the latest turn of events. “Last time I saw them together, she was almost in tears because he was yelling at her.”

 

“Like I said, man, she’s sick of it. She told me that if her son had ever acted this way, there was no way she would have let him get away with it, so she’s not going to let Brian get away with his behavior, either,” he quoted, impressed with her determination to fight.

 

“You know what this means, right Serine?” Casey asked, looking at the only other person in the room who would understand her thoughts.

 

“It means Paige is back!” Serine agreed, glad to know her friend was starting to recover from her loss and learning to appreciate life again.

 

“What do you mean ‘Paige is back’?” Howie inquired, asking the question that was on all the men’s mind.

 

“You know how Brian hasn’t been himself lately? How he’s been a jerk instead of his usual happy-go-lucky self? Well Paige hasn’t been herself lately, either. She’s usually just as happy-go-lucky as Brian, but she’s kind of been in a depressed mood – not that anyone can blame her for it. But she’s just been extremely out of character. She’s not usually as shy and soft-spoken as she’s been. In all the years I’ve known her, she’s never been afraid to make a fool out of herself or to speak her mind. I think that’s what had me worried the most. The fact that she had turned into the shy, timid little girl instead of the woman I’ve known most of my life,” Serine explained, a permanent smile returning to her face at the prospect of having her friend back.

 

“Well, that’s one down, one more to go. So how do we get through to stubborn-ass-Littrell?” Alex questioned, his thoughts in sync with the rest of the group.

 

“That’s the question,” Howie stated, looking around at the pondering faces in the room.

 

 

“You know what? I’m sick and tired of the spoiled little brat attitude you’ve been sporting ever since I got here. So your wife left you – big deal. Worse things have happened in your life. It’s not the end of the world! Get over it and stop being a prick,” was the first thing the group heard upon exiting their meeting room. It was obvious to everyone that Paige and Brian were currently involved in a screaming match.

 

“You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, so just back off!” Brian yelled back, obviously irate from having been put on the spot. “Your husband didn’t leave you by choice. My wife did. At least you know your husband loved you. My wife told me to my face that she didn’t love me anymore. She told me she couldn’t live a lie anymore. Do you know what that’s like?”

 

“You’re right, Brian, I don’t know what that’s like. My husband DIDN’T have a choice – and neither did I. But I will not back off, either! This is ridiculous. You have a little boy in there who needs a father – not a selfish asshole who can’t think about anyone but himself. I’m not going to let you destroy his life along with your own,” Paige declared, upset at the complete selfishness of the man in front of her. Never in her life could she have imagined him being so pompous – so ignorant and self-centered.

 

“Don’t talk to me about my son. You don’t know anything about him or what we’ve been through,” Brian angrily spat.

 

“Neither do you. You haven’t taken the time to find out how all this is affecting Baylee. You’ve been too wrapped up in your own misery that you’ve been blinded to everything around you. You don’t even realize you’ve been hurting the one and only tie you have left to your wife. You’ve been hurting your own flesh and blood by ignoring him, and eventually, it will be too late to undo the damage,” Paige advised, her tone softening as she talked about the little boy who had woven his way into her heart. “That kid loves you to death – and he’s worried about you. You need to get your head out of your ass NOW and show him that you love him too.”

 

“Mind your own business. You don’t know me. You don’t know my son, so don’t pretend like you do. Just because you’re a fan doesn’t mean you know anything about the person I really am,” Brian stated.

 

“You’re right. I don’t know you. And right now, I am glad I don’t know you. At least I don’t have any previous memories to compare you to – unlike your friends and family. I don’t have to be sad that someone I care about is losing himself in his misery. I don’t have to be heartbroken every day because my friend has lost his way. I’m really glad I don’t know you right now because if I did, you might have just lost a friend,” Paige announced, turning and seeing their audience. “At least I don’t have to be like them – worrying about my brother and friend destroying his life a little more with every passing day. I hope you realize what you have before you lose everything. Good luck Brian.”

 

With that said, Paige turned on her heel, walking in the opposite direction, away from the man who had caused her to lose her temper. All was silent behind her as she exited the building, never once looking back on the scene she left behind.

 

“Whoa,” Nick whispered, breaking the unnerving silence that had surrounded the group.

 

“Stupid bitch, doesn’t know what she’s talking about,” Brian muttered, turning and walking in the direction of his son’s room, suddenly desperate to spend some time with his only son.

 

“Whoa,” Nick repeated, as the group stood awkwardly in the hallway, unsure of what to do or where to go. After the scene they had just witnessed, they weren’t sure their plan was going to be enough. Brian’s hatred for the woman confronting him had scared them, but it had also given them hope since it was the first time Brian had been that passionate about anything after his divorce. Maybe, just maybe, she could break through to him like no one else seemed to be able to. But Alex was right about one thing – it wasn’t going to be easy.

 

“Okay. Who’s ready for a girl’s night in – no boys allowed? Just five girls, eating junk food, talking about boys, singing and dancing,” Paige explained, looking around at the other four occupants currently taking up space in her tiny hotel room. Her best friend from Colorado, Izabella, or Belle as everyone called her, had flown in for a week to check up on Paige and keep her company. Belle had actually been married Shawn’s firefighter brother, Jacob, before the tragic fire that had taken his life. Even after Jake’s death, though, Belle had remained close with the Scott family – especially Shawn.

 

“I can’t believe I’m actually on the Backstreet Boys’ tour! We’re definitely going to have fun tonight. I want to hear all about what’s been going on during this tour. I hear you and Brian have quite the interesting relationship, Paige?” Belle asked, everyone’s attention suddenly focused on the woman being questioned.

 

“We have a… unique relationship,” Paige cautiously answered. “Basically, he snaps at me about some stupid little thing that doesn’t really concern me. Then I’ll get pissed and yell back at him, telling him to get his head out of his ass. Then he gets angry and storms out – but not before he throws in one last insult at me,” Paige explained to Belle, noticing the curious looks the other girls were giving her. “What? Don’t pretend you guys don’t know what’s going on,” Paige told Erica, Casey and Serine. “You’ve seen how he’s been treating me. I know he hates me. I just can’t figure out why. I mean, he apologized to the Boys last week – why can’t he be nice to me?” she wondered, still confused by the latest turn of events involving her favorite Backstreet Boy.

 

“I don’t know, maybe he likes you,” Belle suggested, receiving a glare from both Serine and Casey for her comment. It was obvious to Paige that the other two women knew more than they were telling. Even Erica seemed to be avoiding her gaze.

 

“What? What aren’t you guys telling me?” Paige wondered out loud, looking from face to face in an attempt to get an answer. “Guuuuuuuyyyyyyys!” she whined, trying to break their resolve. “What do you know that I don’t know?”

 

“Well…” Erica began, deciding that the woman in front of her had a right to know what was being said about her when she wasn’t around. “Brian has been talking to AJ and Nick a lot over the last week, and it may have slipped out more than once that he might be just a tad bit attracted to you.”

 

“He said that?!” Paige exclaimed, looking from face to face for any sign of jest.

 

“Well, according to Nick, he’s got it bad for you, girl. He thinks you are one of the prettiest women he’s ever seen. But he’s scared of moving on with his life without his wife. He still loves her and he’s not ready to admit that he has a crush on you – or anyone else for that matter. So he finds it easier to hate you than to let you in,” Casey informed Paige.

 

“He thinks I’m pretty?” Paige questioned, still unable to comprehend the newest revelation that had been exposed to her.

 

“Absolutely! Haven’t you ever caught him staring at you or shifting his gaze away when you turn around and catch his eye?” Serine asked, adding to the conversation. “He is crushing on you, hard, girl. He just won’t admit it. But what about you? I mean, I know you’ve always been attracted to him as a fan, but what about now that you’ve seen him in person? Are you still attracted to him?”

 

“Are you kidding me? Of course I am! The man is drop-dead gorgeous in person. Even when he is pissed or scowling at me, he still looks as sexy as ever! I’m really starting to like the pissed off, mean look on him. It suits him well,” Paige admitted, turning a dark crimson at her embarrassing confession.

 

“Oh my God! This is too cute!” Casey squealed, loving the chemistry that was obviously budding between their two feuding friends.

 

“Well what about you, Casey? What’s going on between you and Nicky boy? Any exciting news?” Paige questioned, watching a faint blush creep up her cheeks at the mention of her boyfriend’s name.

 

“Actually, I do have some news. Nick and I went out to dinner last night and he was talking about how lonely he gets when I’m not around and how he misses me dearly whenever I can’t be on tour with him. I told him I missed him too and that I loved being able to spend time with him. Well, he told me that he had been thinking about something for awhile now and he felt it was the right time to ask me,” Casey said, pausing to let everyone process her story before continuing. “He asked me to move in with him! And I said yes! As soon as the tour’s over, we’re going to be moving in together!”

 

“Oh my God! Why didn’t you tell anybody?!” Paige gasped, reaching across the table to give her friend a congratulatory hug. “This is huge! Especially for Nick! I don’t think I’ve EVER seen him so domesticated before! Next thing we know, he’ll be proposing and you’ll be walking down the aisle!”

 

“Not before me, she won’t,” Serine finally spoke up, flashing her newly acquired engagement ring at the rest of the room, a huge, mega-watt smile spreading across her face. “Howie proposed last week and I accepted. We’re getting married in September, during the mini-break between legs of the U.S. Tour. We want all of you to be there! He’s got everything planned out. He said he knew I would say yes, so he went ahead and set everything up ahead of time!”

 

“Oh my God, girl! I can’t believe you kept it to yourself for a week! Why didn’t you tell anybody?!” Paige screeched, grabbing her hand to get a closer look at the ring. “Oh my! This ring is gorgeous! Howie went all out!”

 

“I know! He surprised me by buying the exact ring I told him I wanted – TWO YEARS AGO! I couldn’t believe he remembered, let alone went and picked it up for me! I was so shocked, I didn’t even answer him for the first 5 minutes after her proposed,” she admitted, blushing at her own reaction.

 

“Oh wow! That ring is gorgeous, Serine. I’ve never seen a ring sparkle so much! He must have spent a fortune on that ring,” Belle commented, taking a closer look at the ring that currently held the attention of the whole room. It had a platinum band with three diamonds in the middle. The largest diamond was obviously at least a four-carat, emerald-cut diamond, and the two stones surrounding it were at least two-carats a piece, cut into the shapes of hearts.

 

“I never imagined he would actually get it for me when I told him how much I loved it,” Serine modestly told the group. “He just completely amazes me sometimes, and it’s during those times that I realize I am one of the luckiest girls in the world. He is the sweetest man I have ever met, and I love him so much! He’s always looking for ways to make me smile, and I don’t think I could ever find another man as wonderful as he is,” Serine gushed, looking at her ring with starry, love-filled eyes. “He’s absolutely perfect.”

 

“I felt the same way when I married Shawn,” Paige wistfully remembered. “I still remember the day he proposed like it happened 20 minutes ago. We were standing by the Continental Divide in Colorado, and he was telling me that he felt like his life was just beginning. He told me he felt like someone had finally awoken him from the life-long haze he’d been living in for years now. And then he turned to me and said I was the reason he kept fighting. He told me I gave him the will to keep living. I was why he was so determined to beat the disease that had been ravaging his body for years. Then he got down on one knee, looking up at me with so much hope and love in his eyes, and he asked me. I had never felt so full of love in my life. He meant everything to me – and we’d only been dating for six months. I couldn’t ever imagine not having him in my life, loving me like he had been for the last six months. It was only two months later that we were married and then nine months later we had Tristan,” Paige recalled, getting lost in the memories of her husband, unaware of the tears that were now streaming down her face. “Oh God, I miss him so much,” she cried, finally letting her guard down and releasing the tears she’d forced herself to hide since Shawn’s death.

 

“Oh Honey, Shawn was an amazing man and he loved you and Tristan more than anything. It’s okay to cry because they’re gone. It doesn’t mean you’re weak. In fact, you’re the strongest person I know. But even you can’t handle this all by yourself. Just let it out,” Serine encouraged, pulling the broken, crying woman into her arms in a comforting manner.

 

“I loved them so much. I just… I felt like my whole world had lost its meaning. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. For the last 11 years, my whole life has been about Shawn and TJ. I felt so lost without them – like I had died with them,” Paige explained, wiping the tears as they rapidly fell from her swollen eyes.

 

“What changed?” Casey asked, referring to the complete one-eighty she’d done since joining the tour a little less than a month prior.

 

“Baylee. It was all because of Baylee. That kid is so full of life, and so much like Tristan. He gave me a reason to live again. He was so upset when I first met him because his father had yelled at him. I just had to comfort him. And then I got attached to the little guy. He reminded me that I was still alive. And so I decided it was time I started living again,” Paige answered, her eyes drying up at the thought of the kid who had stolen her heart in just a few short weeks.

 

“Baylee does have that power, doesn’t he?” Erica smiled, relating to the older woman’s tearful confession. “That kid actually helped me, too,” Erica admitted, looking shyly at her hands while she spoke. “Remember how I told you about my boyfriend?” she asked Paige, who nodded in response. “Well, I finally left him.” She looked around the room at the other confused faces, deciding she had better fill them in on her situation. “See, my boyfriend proposed just before I left to be Baylee’s nanny. It turns out it was just his way of trying to control me – trying to keep me with him instead of ‘gallivanting all across the country with a group of middle-aged pop stars,’” Erica quoted, scoffing at the words. “So after I left, it was like he had never proposed. Whenever I brought up marriage or wedding plans, he would ignore me or yell at me. So I gave him an ultimatum last week, telling him that if he didn’t pick a wedding date, I was gone. He told me he never wanted to marry me, he just wanted me to stay. So I told him it was over.”

 

“I’m so proud of you, Erica!” Paige announced, embracing the other woman in a comforting hug, immediately evaporating the tears that had appeared in Erica’s eyes at the thought of her boyfriend’s harsh words. “Baylee really is an amazing kid. He got us both to start living life again.”

 

“Yes he is,” Erica agreed, pulling back from the hug and laughing at herself.

 

“What about you, Belle? You’re the only one who hasn’t said anything yet,” Casey pointed out, putting the spotlight on the only remaining member of the group.

 

“Well, that’s because my life isn’t nearly as exciting as you girls. I don’t have a man. I don’t have a child. I don’t even have a real, steady job. I’m just waiting to meet Mr. Right – again,” she said, referring to her first husband, Jake.

 

“Don’t worry, honey. It’ll happen before you know it,” Paige promised, smiling at her somewhat sister-in-law.

 

“I hope so. I NEED a man!” she laughed, causing the whole room to erupt into giggles.

 

“Hey girls, I’ve got an awesome idea,” Serine mentioned, gathering everyone’s attention. “Why don’t we forget about girl’s night in and make it girl’s night out? I saw this awesome karaoke club right across the street that we could go to. We could get some drinks, watch people make fools of themselves and maybe even get up there and sing a song or two ourselves. What do you say?”

 

“I say ‘Hell yes!’” Paige readily agreed, intrigued by the idea of possibly being able to sing on stage again for the first time in 10 years.

 

“I’m in,” Belle agreed.

 

“Me too,” Casey announced.

 

“Count me in, too, I guess,” Erica reluctantly added, intimidated by the fact that she might have to perform in front of an audience.

 

“Alright. Everyone go get ready and we’ll meet back here in 20 minutes!” Serine delegated before heading off to her own room to get changed.

 

“20 minutes,” they all agreed, splitting off in separate directions to get ready for a night out on the town.

 

 

“Alright! Now that I’ve had a few drinks in my system, let’s do this thing! What song are we going to sing?” Casey wondered, looking at the other anxious faces gazing back at her from around the table.

 

“I’m sorry, girls, but I can’t do this. I can’t sing… not in public, anyway,” Erica declined, upset that she was letting her group mates down. “I’m really sorry. I’m just terrified of being in front of big crowds. If there weren’t so many people here, I would, but… I just can’t. Not tonight.”

 

“It’s okay, Erica. You don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. You’ll just have to be our cheering crowd,” Serine told her, trying to ease her worry.

 

“Yeah, girl. It’s okay. It’s supposed to be a fun night. We don’t want to make you feel like you HAVE to do anything,” Paige added, smiling at her friend. “We’ll just split up the parts between the four of us.”

 

“Thanks guys.”

 

“So what song should we sing? If we’re going to do Backstreet, we have to pick a song where all of us sing…” Belle stated, bringing the group’s attention back to the topic at hand. “I was thinking we could do old school Backstreet.”

 

“Yeah! Like ‘Everybody’ or ‘Quit Playin Games,’” Casey shouted, her excitement growing by the second. “I call Nick!”

 

“Howie!” Serine claimed.

 

“AJ!” Belle exclaimed.

 

“I guess that means I get Brian, since Kevin doesn’t really have any solo lines and Brian practically dominates all their old school songs,” Paige shrugged, not really caring who she got, just as long as she was able to perform.

 

“So what song, guys?” Casey pressed, trying to get everyone to agree on one song.

 

“How about we do ‘All I Have To Give,’” Paige suggested. “I mean, all the guys sing in it, and they each have at least one solo.”

 

“You just want that song because Brian basically sings the whole thing by himself,” Belle objected good-naturedly, giving her friend a knowing glance. “Seriously, though, I agree with you. That song is perfect for us.”

 

“I think it’s good,” Serine agreed.

 

“Me too,” Casey added, putting the entire group into agreement.

 

“Alright! Then let’s go!” Paige shouted, anxious to get on stage.

 

Five minutes later, they were on stage, waiting for their cue to perform. “Next up, we have a group of girls who decided they wanted to bring us down memory lane, back to the nineties when boy bands were taking over the airwaves. Put your hands together for Paige, Serine, Belle and Casey with ‘All I Have To Give’ from the Backstreet Boys,” the MC announced, handing the microphone over to Paige as he exited the stage.

 

The music faded in, causing the crowd to grow silent with anticipation. The lights went down and the entire room watched as Casey began to sing the opening lines, wavering slightly from her lack of professional training. She may not have been a professional singer, but she could at least carry a tune. “I don’t know what she does to make you cry, but I’ll be there to make you smile. I don’t have a fancy car. To get to you I’d walk a thousand miles.”

 

However, when Paige began her verse, she took over the stage like she was born to perform, the audience entranced by her heavenly voice. She was in her element, and she was going to take advantage of the opportunity she was suddenly given. She had almost forgotten how passionate she had once been about singing, and she wasn’t going to take this chance for granted. “I don’t care, if she buys you nice things. Does her gifts come from the heart. I don’t know, but if you were man, I’d make it so we’d never be apart. But my love is all,” she sang, her whole heart going into this performance.

 

“I have to give,” the rest of the girls joined in.

 

“Without you I don’t,” Paige continued.

“Think I can live.”

 

“I wish I could give the world to you. But love is all I have to give,” Paige finished, causing the audience to cheer. It was obvious to anyone in that room that this was where her heart lay. Singing was her passion, and everyone, including the four familiar figures who had just entered the club, could see how happy she was on stage.

 

“When you talk, does it seem like she’s not, listening to a world you say. That’s okay, baby, just tell me your problems. I’ll try my best to kiss them all away,” Serine sang, her voice a lot edgier than her boyfriend’s original smooth vocals.

 

Suddenly, with just as much passion and heart as Paige had put into her performance, Belle took over for AJ’s raspy, somewhat dark, rich voice. “Does she leave when you need her the most? Does her friends get all your time? Baby, please, I’m on my knees, praying for the…”

 

“Day that you’ll be mine,” they all joined in, adding a harmony behind Belle’s still dominating vocals. “But my love is all, I have to give.

 

“Without you I don’t,” Belle sang above the others.

 

“Think I can live.”

 

“I wish I could give my world to you,” Belle sang.

 

“But love is all I have to give,” they harmonized.

 

“Ohhh, ohhh, to you,” Belle completed, turning the stage over to Serine to sing Howie’s high pitched, “Hey boy.”

 

The group sang the remainder of the song with just as much energy as they started with, fueled by the applause of the audience in front of them. Never in their lives had they felt such a high, and Paige was glad they had decided to come out that night instead of staying in.

 

“Paige, I think you should sing another song by yourself,” Serine suggested, amazed by the look of pure and utter joy on her best friend’s face. “This is your time to shine. Don’t let it escape you again,” she advised, walking off the stage behind the other two girls.

 

Paige made a quick decision, letting the MC know which song she had chosen before returning to her position under the scorching lights. “Thank you for being here tonight. I hope you’re enjoying your night so far. If it’s alright with you, I’m going to sing one more song tonight, and I hope you all like it as much as I do. This song puts into words perfectly the way I think we’ve all felt after losing someone we cared about. After losing our first love. It’s called ‘Cry,’ and I hope you like it.”

 

She sat down on the provided stool, getting comfortable as the opening music began to play, leading the crowd into the melodic trance the music seemed to place over the crowd.  “I’m not the type to get my heart broken. I’m not the type to get upset and cry. Cause I never leave my heart open. Never hurts me to say goodbye. Relationships don’t get deep to me. Never got that whole in love thing. And someone could say they loved me truly, and at the time it wouldn’t mean a thing.

 

“My mind is gone. I’m spinning around. And deep inside, my tears I’ll drown. I’m losing grip. What’s happening? I stray from love, this is how I feel.

 

“This time was different. Felt like I was just a victim. And it cut me like a knife. When you walked out of my life. Now I’m in this condition. And I’ve got all the symptoms. Of a girl with a broken heart. But no matter what you’ll never see me cry.”

 

 As she went into the second chorus, a single tear ran down her cheeks as she felt the words down to her very core. Before Shawn, she had never let anyone in. She had always hidden away in some secret part of her heart, waiting for someone to care enough to try and get her to open up. Shawn had been the first and only man to get into her heart so far, and she had her doubts that any man would ever be able to tear down her defenses again. It’s not that she was cold-hearted or anti-social. In fact, she was the most caring and friendly person you could meet. It’s just that she was cautious, never wanting to leave herself defenseless.

 

“She’s really good,” a deep, raspy male voice said into Serine’s ear, causing her to jump and turn around to face her friend’s mystery admirer.

 

“Alex! What are you guys doing here?” she questioned as the rest of the boys made their way over to the girls’ table. “I thought you Boys were having a poker night back at the hotel.”

 

“We were, but then we got bored, so we decided to check out this karaoke club AJ saw. We got here just in time to see you girls performing ‘All I Have To Give,” he added, winking at the girls’ blushing faces.

 

The guys each pulled up a seat to the girls’ table, turning the attention back to the stage where Paige was currently singing her heart out with every note, holding the audience in the palm of her hand. “Where did she learn to sing like that?” Howie wondered out loud, not expecting an actual answer, but getting one nonetheless.

 

“She actually used to be a professional singer a long time ago. Ten years ago, to be exact. It was actually just after she met Shawn when we moved to Los Angeles to launch my record label. She was supposed to be my first signed artist. We never got that far, though, because she ended up getting engaged before we could record any of her music or establish the label enough to garner any recognition. She would have been huge. There is no doubt in my mind about that. She was the whole package. She could do it all. But she chose her family over her career, and I don’t think she’s ever once regretted that choice. She loved her family so much that she was willing to give up her biggest dream for them. I really admire her for that. I don’t think very many people would have had the courage to walk away from their biggest dream in search of another dream that was just as important. She knew what she had to do to keep her family, and she did it,” Serine explained, watching her friend continue to sing with a passion unmatched.

 

“She’s beautiful,” Brian whispered quietly to himself, entranced by the sight on stage.

 

“I can’t believe she can sing like that,” Nick added, watching her belt out a high note with very little effort. “Amazing.”

 

“She’s one of a kind,” Serine agreed, smiling at her best friend as she finished the last chorus of the song, leaving the crowd in a standing ovation. She knew that Paige could have gone far if she had chosen to pursue music, but seeing her with her husband and son, anyone could tell that she made the right choice by choosing Shawn and TJ. She had never been happier than when she was with her family, making them happy. Sure, music was her passion, but her family had been her life. And suddenly, everything began to make sense to Serine. It made sense why Paige had been so lost for the last few months. She had lost her entire life when she lost her husband and son. And it made sense that it would take the innocence of a child to bring her back. Only through the eyes of a child could Paige rediscover who she was before her loss. Baylee was her saving grace. Now if only they could get Paige to open her heart to love again. That was her next challenge – and she knew she had her work cut out for her.

“Leighanne, I am not having this conversation with you right now. In front of everyone. Can’t you wait until we get back to the hotel?” Brian yelled, looking around the room as everyone pretended to be uninterested by the domestic dispute going on right in front of them.

 

Leighanne had flown in early that morning, claiming that she and Brian needed to work on rebuilding their relationship for the sake of their son. Brian had been in a fowl mood ever since her arrival and had taken it out on anyone and everyone in his way, especially Paige.

 

“Fine. We’ll talk when you get back to the hotel,” she agreed, giving him a small smile in response to the scowl he was sending her. “It was good seeing you boys again. It’s strange not being on tour with y’all, this time around. And even though Brian and I aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean we can’t still be friends,” she added, turning to the remaining three Backstreet Boys.

 

“Don’t you think that would be a little bit awkward for them?” Brian scoffed, rolling his eyes at his ex-wife’s lack of common sense.

 

“Only if you make it awkward,” she responded. “What has gotten into you lately? I’ve never seen you act this way before. All of a sudden, you’re snapping at everyone, finding any excuse to argue with people. This isn’t you, Brian. And poor Paige here has been on the receiving end of almost all your wise-cracks today. I don’t even know you anymore. You’re not the same man I married,” Leighanne sadly announced.

 

“Well then I guess it’s a good thing you divorced me before it was too late,” Brian sneered, receiving glares from everyone in the room for his unnecessarily harsh response.

 

“You have no right to talk to her like that! She hasn’t done anything wrong!” Paige yelled, getting fed up with his spoiled-little-rich-kid attitude. “But you’re right. It’s a good thing she did divorce you before she got sucked into your negativity. She’s deserves better than that – and I used to think you did too.” Everyone else in the room watched on silently, shocked by Paige’s sudden outburst. Brian just stood there, motionless, shooting daggers out of his eyes in Paige’s direction.

 

“Why don’t you just mind your own business!? This doesn’t concern you! It’s between me and Leighanne, so just butt out,” Brian screamed, letting all of the anger and frustration he’d held in over the last few months out on Paige.

 

“It is my business when you’re standing here yelling at her in front of me. YOU made it my business!” she argued, not willing to back down. She had been letting him get away with all of his crap for over a month now, and she wasn’t going to let it continue, if she had any say in the matter.

 

“Paige, really, it’s okay. You don’t have to do that,” Leighanne whispered to the other woman, not wanting to cause any trouble between Paige and Brian. “Brian’s just upset. Don’t let him drag you down to his level.”

 

“NO! It’s not right! He can’t keep treating people that way, expecting them to just sit back and take it, thinking he can just get away with anything. People deserve more respect than that, and I’m tired of dealing with his snide comments all the time!” Paige argued, not meaning to sound as harsh as she did. It wasn’t Leighanne’s fault that Brian was acting like a jerk. “What’s your real problem, Brian? Are you just that upset that your wife left you, or is there something deeper? You look for faults in everyone else because if you’re focusing on their faults, you won’t have to look at your own. You won’t have to admit that you aren’t the perfect man everyone has made you out to be. You’re afraid of not being perfect. You’re afraid that the fans will see that you’re just an ordinary man with ordinary problems. Or maybe you’re afraid that if you couldn’t make this relationship work, how are you supposed to make any of your future relationships work? Huh? What’s the real reason behind your anger, Brian? I think you need to figure it out before you push someone too far and it’s too late to take it back.”

 

“What about you? Ever since you’ve joined this tour, you’ve been sticking your nose in other people’s business. You’re always so concerned with everyone else’s problems, but what about your own problems? You never sleep more than a few hours a night. Why? What are you so afraid of? Have you ever even shown any emotion over the loss of your husband? Ever? Because I sure haven’t seen it. I don’t think you have. I think you’re trying to avoid having to think about. That’s why you always change the subject when someone brings it up. And what about your job? Why did you really quit? Was it really because it was too stressful, or was it actually because you were too afraid to start living again? And why are you here on tour when you should be trying to reestablish your life? Is it because you’re too scared to move on? To forget? I think you need to look at yourself before you start pointing fingers,” Brian lectured, a cocky smile spreading across his handsome face.

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Paige weakly cried, fighting back tears. As much as she hated to admit it, his accusations hit a little too close to home, and that scared her. They hadn’t had a single casual conversation, and he had been able to read her so well. That fact alone was enough to shock her to her core and shake her very foundation. “You don’t even know me. You haven’t taken the chance to get to know me the whole time I’ve been here. Don’t stand there and pretend like you have ANY idea what I’ve been going through.”

 

“Maybe you should learn to take your own advice?” Brian suggested, raising a questioning eyebrow.

 

Paige couldn’t even formulate a response because she was too overcome with emotion. Her whole body was shaking, her eyes were watering and her voice seemed to be loss in a sea of emotion, trying to force its way up but unable to break through the surface. She was fighting an internal war with herself, trying to maintain control, but it was a losing battle. She had been fighting it for too long, and she was tired of trying to pretend everything was alright. Brian had been right. About everything, he’d been right. And just hearing someone else say it out loud was enough to break through the thick outer shell that had been protecting her from a complete breakdown. Her walls had been cracked by the most unlikely candidate, and she wasn’t prepared to handle it. So she did the only thing she could. She ran.

 

Brian was having a similar reaction to her accusations, his whole body shaking from the intensity of the fight he had just been involved in. She had been right about him, as well. The fact that she was able to see through the walls he had erected after his divorce caused a flurry of emotions to storm through his body. He had been looking for faults in everyone else in an attempt to draw the focus from his own imperfections. He was afraid of admitting he wasn’t the perfect man everyone tried to portray him as. Ever since the Backstreet Boys had first found success, he had been living in a plastic bubble, protected from all of the negative comments trying to reach him. He had been portrayed as the golden boy who could do no wrong – and after so many years of having that stereotype – that image – he had started to believe it, and even play into it, to an extent. It took the unfortunate action of crushing someone else’s spirits to finally open his eyes to the truth. And for the first time since Leighanne had left him, he felt true remorse.

 

“What have I done?” he questioned out loud, tears welling in his own eyes as he watched the one woman who had managed to awaken him from his blinded state flee from the room, tears coursing down her flushed cheeks. Tears caused by his thoughtless words. Tears that caused his heart to shatter into a million splintered pieces as he realized the implications of his words. He had just broken her heart, her spirit, and he had no idea what to do to make things right again. “What have I done?” he repeated, as his tears began to fall.

 

---

 

Serine hesitantly made her way down the beige, dimly-lit hallway of the five-star hotel to her destination – Paige’s room. After Paige’s sudden departure, the entire room had been in utter shock, unable to believe the accusations that had been announced or the two parties reactions to those accusations. It hadn’t taken more than a moment after Paige’s retreat for Brian to follow suit, leaving the room in a nearly hysterical condition. And while Alex had been designated, by process of elimination, to chase after Brian, Serine had volunteered to check on Paige. She knew that out of everyone in that room, she would have the greatest probability of convincing Paige to let her in. Besides, having known Paige since they were merely high school kids, she would probably have an easier time reading her distraught friend than anyone else. In other words, meaning she was the best bet in helping Paige through her pain.

 

As soon as she was in front of room 309, Paige’s room, she took a deep sighing breath before knocking softly on the door and calling out to her best friend to let her in. “Paige? Paige, honey, are you in there?” She paused, listening for any sort of response on the other side of the strong barrier between them. “Paige, if you’re in there, open the door.” Again, she got no response. “Come on, honey, you can’t hide in there forever.”

 

“Go away, Serine. I just want to be alone,” she cried through the thick, wooden door separating her from the rest of the world. As soon as she had reached the hotel, she had barricaded herself in her room, losing herself in sea of tears and memories. Every harsh allegation Brian had spit at her in his angry rant had been playing on a loop over and over in her head, haunting her every breath.

 

“Paige, open the door. You can’t just shut yourself off from the rest of the world,” Serine pleaded, praying for a miracle. “What would Shawn think of you locking yourself away from the people who care about you most?” She hated to bring up Shawn, but she couldn’t think of another way to convince her friend to let her in.

 

Slowly, hesitantly, the door creaked open revealing a broken, crying girl instead of the strong, fiercely independent woman Serine was used to seeing. “Serine,” was all Paige said before breaking into another bout of tears, her eyes already bloodshot and dull.

 

“Oh honey,” Serine cried, pulling the other woman into a protective, comforting hug. She couldn’t believe that the woman in front of her was the same woman she had known for most of her life. And while she wanted to be able to say that Brian hadn’t meant what he’d said – that he didn’t know what he was talking about – she couldn’t lie. He had meant it, and he had said the same things that everyone had been thinking at one point of another over the course of the tour. They all knew that it could have been handled differently, but they also knew that what was said – on both party’s behalf – needed to be said. Brian needed to face up to the fact that he wasn’t perfect and no one expected him to be except for himself. And Paige needed to take the time to grieve for her loss instead of trying to bottle it up and deny that it had ever happened.

 

“I’m so afraid of forgetting him – of forgetting TJ,” Paige tearfully admitted, her tears slowly ebbing.

 

“Honey, you could never forget Shawn OR TJ, even if you wanted to. They are a part of you, and they will always be with you, no matter what happens in your life,” Serine gently explained, making sure to look the other woman in the eye so that she could make sure he message was getting through.

 

“Brian was right, though. I’m afraid to start living again. I’m afraid to move on because I don’t even know who I am without Shawn or TJ. My whole life centered around them for so long that I don’t even know myself anymore,” Paige admitted, looking to her friend for the answers she was desperately seeking.

 

“He may have been right about you being afraid, but you are wrong about not knowing yourself. You’re still the same woman you’ve always been. You’re still the intelligent, creative, passionate woman you were before you ever even met Shawn. Sure, Shawn and TJ had an impact on who you’ve become, but you lived 21 years on your own. You just have to rediscover that part of you that you seem to have forgotten,” Serine countered.

 

“I miss them so much,” Paige cried, looking at Serine with a sad, lost look. “I miss hearing them laugh. I miss seeing their smiling faces every morning. I miss the way Shawn used to tuck that stubborn stray piece of hair behind my ear just so that he could touch me in some way. I miss the way TJ would sit there and recall every second of his day when he’d get home from school, filling me in on everything from the bus ride to school to what he had for lunch to the bus ride home. I miss how he’d ask me questions all the time, always curious and wanting to learn new things. He was so full of life. He reminded me to live everyday to the fullest. And Shawn reminded me to appreciate all the little things in life. They made every day worth living.”

 

“It’s going to take time, Paige. You can’t just expect to wake up one day and feel like everything’s right with the world again. You have to give yourself time to grieve. It’s going to hurt, but that’s just a part of life. Of losing someone,” Serine responded.

 

“I think I need to leave the tour. Brian was right. I came here to run away from my problems instead of facing them head on,” Paige confessed, watching her friend’s reaction closely. “Besides, I’m just causing more trouble and more tension by being here. Brian hates me, and all we do is add more stress to everyone’s lives with our arguments.”

 

“I don’t think you should leave,” Serine countered. “If you go home, you’re not going to have anyone to rely on except yourself. At least if you stayed on tour, you’d have me, Casey and all the guys to help you through this. We’d be able to make sure you stayed on track and didn’t try to force yourself into denial again.”

 

“I can’t stay, Serine. Brian doesn’t want me here. He’s made that abundantly clear. And I’m just tired of fighting with him about every little thing. I can’t keep doing this to him or to myself. He was right; I need to concentrate on my own problems instead of focusing on other people’s issues. I can’t do that if I’m stressed out about him or Baylee,” Paige told her friend, a sad smile crossing her face. “I appreciate you guys inviting me here, but I think I need to leave. The tour stops in Colorado tomorrow, so when you guys leave for the next city, I’ll just stay there.”

 

Giving in, Serine gave an unhappy sigh, deciding this was one battle she wasn’t going to win. “Well at least let us take you out for one last night on the town tonight, before you leave,” she persuaded. “It’s the least you can do if you’re going to be leaving us tomorrow.”

 

“Alright. Tonight, we’ll go out. One last night on the town,” Paige agreed, giving Serine a half-smile.

 

“I’ll let everyone know.”

 

“Serine?” Paige called as the other woman turned to leave.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks. For everything.” Three little words. Three simple little words. And the emotion behind them caused Serine’s eyes to tear up.

 

“You’re welcome.” And with that, she was gone, off to make plans for her best friend’s last night on tour.

 

She took a deep, soothing breath before reaching up a quivering hand to knock on the door in front of her – the door that lead to the reason for her early departure from tour. Her knuckles never made contact with the door, however, because she began to lose her nerve and started to retreat, nearly giving up on her mission.

 

            Yet, as fate would have it, the portal in front of her opened before she even had a chance to turn and walk away. “Paige?” the soft-spoken twang hit her ears, causing her to flinch as she realized she had no choice but to continue with her plan.

 

            “Ummm, Brian, hi. Look, I know you really don’t want to see me – especially at 7 in the morning, but I was kind of hoping I could talk to Baylee and tell him goodbye before I leave,” she requested, not daring to look him in the eyes, just in case the action might upset him and make him refuse her plea.

 

            “You want to see Baylee?” he asked, completely thrown off-guard. He had no idea that the woman in front of him – the woman he had made a conscious effort to avoid all tour long – had been spending time with his 5-year-old son without his knowledge.

 

            “Yeah. I didn’t think it was right to just leave without telling him why I was going,” she explained, finding the intricate pattern in the hotel carpet rather interesting as her eyes followed the lines created by the unique, inconsistent shapes.

 

            “Wait, you’re leaving? Where are you going?” he questioned, panic rising from the tips of his toes to the top of his head. She couldn’t leave before he had a chance to make things right.

 

            “Look, Brian, you and I both know you don’t want me here. You’ve been rude to me all tour long. And when you haven’t been flinging insults at me, you’ve been ignoring me completely, so don’t pretend like you suddenly care. You don’t have to waste your breath. The tour stops in Colorado later today, and I’m just going to stay there when the tour leaves. You win. I’m tired of fighting – tired of caring. I just want to tell Baylee goodbye and then you won’t ever have to see me again,” she broke down, willing the tears in her eyes not to fall and reveal her true feelings.

 

            “I…” he began to protest, but she cut him off, finally meeting his gaze.

 

            “I know you hate me. I know you could care less about me. But, can I give you some advice? Even if you forget everything else about me, at least remember this. Don’t take a single day with Baylee for granted. He needs his father now more than ever. Don’t let him ever have to question your love because you never know when he won’t be there to say ‘I love you’ to. You never know when your last day might be with him. Don’t waste it,” she preached, her tears spilling over as she thought of the son she had lost.

 

            “Wha…” Brian started again, only to be cut off by the excited squeal of his little boy.

 

            “PAIGE!” Baylee shouted, running up to the woman who had become more than just a friend to the young child. She instantly picked him up into her arms, hugging him close and making him giggle in the process.

 

            “Hey Bayles. What’s crackin, kid?” she kidded, winking at the growing boy in her arms. “How’s my little man? Did you have fun seeing your mom last night?”

 

            “Yeah! We went to the movies. We saw this cool movie about a robot. He goes to space. I forgot his name, but he was so cool! And I get to go to the zoo today! Do you want to go? Erica said we could go like we did last time. We’re gonna go as soon as we get to Coreado,” he excitedly announced, his smile revealing just how excited he was by the day’s upcoming events.

 

            “Colorado,” both adults corrected, glancing at each other briefly before Paige returned her attention the squirming child. She could feel Brian’s eyes watching her every move, but she didn’t let that intimidate her.

 

            “Right. Oh! Let me show you my drawing! It’s a bear!” Baylee declared, pulling Paige further into the room as soon as his feet were on the ground. Brian just stood there, amazed by the fondness his son seemed to have grown for the woman. Especially after Brian had made her life so miserable she was leaving the tour 2 months early.

 

            “I’m going to go talk to AJ for a second. Will you two be okay?” Brian asked her, already opening the door in his attempt to escape from the overwhelming emotions rushing through his confused mind.

 

            “Go ahead. I’ll stay with Bayles, here, until you get back. That alright with you, kiddo?” she asked the miniature version of the man standing before her as he continued to talk about his most recent creation.

 

            “YEAH!” he exclaimed before returning to his previous task of talking the woman’s ear off with all his childish chatter. “And then we ate dinner at Chuck-E-Cheeses! Mom let me play all the games. And I got this cool bear…” he told Paige, his excitement growing with every word.

 

            Without wasting another second, Brian was out of the room and next door pounding on his best friend’s room. He knew that AJ would have the answers to Brian’s questions – he just wasn’t sure he really wanted to know. After all the things he’d said to Paige while she had been on tour with them, he wasn’t sure he was ready to hear the truth.

 

            “Jesus freaking Christ! It’s seven o’clock in the freaking morning and I just got to sleep less than 3 hours ago. This better be good, Rok,” AJ grumbled, rubbing his tired eyes with the back of his hand as he attempted to hide an obvious yawn.

 

            “It’s important,” Brian insisted, pushing his way into the room and closing the door before finishing his statement. “It’s about Paige.”

 

            The serious tone in his brother’s voice immediately alerted AJ to the gravity of the situation. “What’s up, man?” he asked.

 

            “She’s leaving, did you know that?” Brian inquired, pacing the small hotel room in an attempt to ease his frustration. “She’s leavin’ ‘cause of me,” he added, his twang coming out in full force due to his highly-emotional state.

 

            “Yeah, man, I know. Why do you think we were out partying it up until 3 this morning? We were trying to convince her to stay, but she wouldn’t listen. She’s as God-damned stubborn as you are, and it was a pain to even get her to agree to go out with us last night. She was so upset that we had to practically drag her out of her hotel room,” AJ nodded, grabbing the bottle of water off of his nightstand and sipping it slowly as he fought his tired mind.

 

            “And did you know that she’s been spendin’ a lotta time with Baylee?” Brian continued to rant, not even acknowledging AJ’s jab. “When did she start talkin to my son? And how did I not know about it? It’s like all of a sudden they’re best buddies?”

 

            “It doesn’t surprise me, after all she’s been through,” AJ yawned, leaning back on the bed and closing his eyes as he listened to his friend state his dilemma.

 

            “What do ya mean?” Brian asked, his brows knotted together in confusion. He knew he was missing part of her story; he just wasn’t sure what part that was.

 

            “Well, let me think, man. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that the poor woman just lost her husband and son in a car accident a few months back,” AJ sarcastically stated, rolling his eyes at his friend’s cluelessness.

 

            “She has a son?” Brian asked, his face testament to his shock.

 

            “Had. He was in the car with her husband when Shawn died. TJ was rushed to the hospital and died several hours later in ICU, just before Howie, Nick, Serine and Casey showed up. That’s why she went into shock. Casey told us all this shit before she ever came on tour, dude. Where the fuck were you?” AJ elaborated, shooting a questioning glance at his band mate.

 

            “I… I haven’t really been myself lately,” Brian admitted, ashamedly, afraid to meet his band mates eyes in fear of seeing his disappointment and shame.  

 

            “No shit!? Really?” AJ scoffed.

 

            “So what do I do? I don’t want her to leave ‘cause of me. I don’t want her to leave at all,” Brian begged his younger brother for an answer.

 

            “You like her, don’t you? Holy shit! You have a crush on her!” AJ exclaimed, his eyes gleaming as he watched the redness creep up his best friend’s neck and face, causing him to stutter over his response.

 

            “I… It… I don’t…” Brian tried to refute, though the entire rebuttal was futile. His blushing face gave AJ all the encouragement he needed to prove that his theory was correct. “What do I do?” Brian repeated when he realized there was no answer that would save him from immediate and future embarrassment.

 

            “Talk to her man. Apologize, beg, get on your knees, if you have to. You can’t let her leave. Not yet,” AJ ordered, jumping off the bed and pushing his friend out the door before he could argue.

 

            “AJ, I can’t just… I mean, I have to… It’s not like….” Brian tried to contest with no luck. “What am I supposed to say?”

 

            “Tell her you’re sorry for being an asshole – she’ll take it from there,” AJ instructed. “And then come and tell me how it went!” AJ added before slamming the door in the older man’s face.

 

“Thanks for your help, Alex,” Brian sarcastically mumbled, trudging his way back to his room, which held the person he knew he had to make amends with before it was too late. Before he lost her forever.

 

Upon entering his room, the first sound to hit his ears was the sound of laughter coming from the living room. “No more tickle monster! No more tickle monster!” Baylee squealed, laughing harder than Brian had heard in a long time. Just hearing his son’s playful laugh and Paige’s own laughing responses was enough to give him the extra push he needed to make his presence known to the other occupants in the room. As soon as he walked into the room, however, his plans changed when Baylee ran to his father’s side, using his legs as a shield against Paige’s tickle monster.

 

However, Paige immediately stopped her pursuit of the small child and straightened up when she noticed the other man’s presence. Looking at the man in front of her, she noticed a soft, almost tender smile crossing his face as he watched them interact. “I didn’t mean to interrupt your game,” he quietly declared, the smile on his face growing as his son began to come out of his hiding place behind his father.

 

“Daddy! The tickle monster was trying to get me!” Baylee announced, giggling.

 

“It was? Did you get away?” Brian asked his son, Baylee’s glowing smile contagious and spreading onto Brian’s own handsome face. Paige just stood there in shock, watching as the man in front of her gave her the smile she had been waiting all tour to see. The very smile that had gotten her through so many hard times when she was younger. The same smile she had grown to love as a fan. The Littrell smile she had come to see spreading across Baylee’s own face during several of their various ventures together. She just never expected to see Brian smiling at her.

 

“Yeah!” Baylee exclaimed, his eyes sparkling with happiness. “It was chasing me and then you came in so I hided behind you and it couldn’t see me!”

 

“Hey, B, why don’t you go hang out with AJ for a little bit. I need to talk to Paige for a minute, okay?” Brian suggested, looking up at Paige as he said her name, noting the look of shock crossing her features.

 

“Okay!” his son cheerfully agreed, already making his way to the adjacent room where AJ was undoubtedly trying to listen to their conversation through the paper-thin walls.  

 

As soon as he was gone, the awkwardness once again settled over the room, and Brian could see Paige visibly preparing herself for any kind of verbal attacks he might be getting ready to throw at her. “Paige, I… I just wanted to… Paige…” he stuttered, unable to find a good segue into the conversation he needed to have with her.

 

“Look, Brian, it’s okay. I won’t be seeing Baylee anymore, so you don’t have to worry about me influencing your son. You won’t have to deal with me anymore,” Paige interrupted, thinking Brian’s talk had to do with her relationship with Baylee.

 

“What?” he questioned, completely thrown off guard by her thought process. He couldn’t believe she thought he was mad that she had built a relationship with Baylee. If anything, he was glad Baylee had had someone to turn to while he had been lost in his own misery.

 

“I’m leaving tour, Brian, and if you don’t want me to keep in touch with Baylee, I won’t. But you’re going to have to tell him why I haven’t called. I just can’t do that to him after I told him I would call him,” Paige explained, lowering her gaze to the floor in front of her.

 

“Paige, that’s not what I wanted to say,” Brian sighed, frustrated with the difficulty of the situation he suddenly found himself in. “I wanted to… I just… I needed to…I’ve been…” he stumbled, clearly getting frustrated by his inability to say what he wanted to say – what he needed to say to make things right. Taking a deep breath, he finally managed to get the words out. “I owe you an apology. Several, actually.”

 

“What?” Paige asked, not sure she had heard him correctly.

 

“I’ve been a total jerk to you all tour long, and there is no excuse whatsoever for my behavior. And now, because of me, you’re leaving the tour and going back home, away from all the people who care about you. And I know that I should have done this a long time ago, but I just couldn’t let you leave without saying I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for all the cruel words. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t welcome. Most of all, I’m sorry I never took the time to see the amazing person everyone else got to see,” Brian explained, his eyes shining with sincerity and pain.

 

“Why? Why did you treat me that way? Even after you’d apologized to everyone else, you still treated me like crap. Why?” Paige questioned, tears running down her delicate cheeks, causing Brian’s own heart to break even more.

 

“I was scared,” he admitted. “I didn’t want to feel anymore. I didn’t want to face up to all the mistakes I had made in my life. Leighanne leaving me was inevitable, but I just didn’t want to see it. And then you came along and everything changed. Suddenly I was feeling again, whether I liked it or not. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen in my life, and I hated that you made me start feeling again. So instead of facing up to all my imperfections – all my flaws – I took my anger and frustration out on you. And by the time I realized what I was doing, it was too late. You already hated me. So I thought it was better to keep pushing you away than to have to face the fact that I blew it. That I had screwed up yet again. But you were right yesterday. I have no right to treat people that way. I just needed a good slap in the face to make me see that.”

 

Paige stood there, attempting to process his words, but finding it hard to grasp on to any of the concepts he had just pointed out in his mini-speech. “So you hated me because I made you feel?”

 

“I never hated you, Paige. I was just… confused,” Brian corrected, chancing a look at her face as she fought to understand everything he had just confessed.

 

“Was it really so bad to start feeling again?” she asked, looking into his eyes as she asked the question on her mind. It was the same question she should have been asking herself, but she didn’t have the answer. She just hoped Brian did.

 

“No. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had never really stopped feeling at all. I was just yelling instead of laughing. I was depressed instead of happy. I just thought I had stopped feeling, but I never had. Just seeing you, knowing all that you had lost and how you were still smiling and laughing, was enough to make me realize I was feeling – that I had never stopped,” Brian responded. “Look, Paige, I know I have no right to ask this, but I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay. For Baylee. For Serine and Casey. For the guys. But mostly, for me. I want to have the chance to get to know you like everyone else does. I want the chance to make things right. And I can’t do that if you leave the tour.”

 

“Brian, you were right when you said I was using the tour as excuse not to move on. I kept telling myself, ‘As soon as I get home, I’ll move on.’ But I was only deluding myself. I was using the tour as an escape from reality. It’s time for me to start living my life again. It’s time I found my place in this world without Shawn and TJ,” Paige declined, forcing herself to be strong.

 

“Please stay,” Brian begged. “You can find your place here just as well as you could at home. At least here you have people who care about you and who can help you through your pain.”

 

Paige looked at him closely, noticing the sincerity and force behind his emotions. Closing her eyes, she fought to control her tears. “I have to go, Brian. I have to.”

 

“Please stay,” he pleaded one last time, reaching out and grasping her hand in an attempt to get her to meet his gaze again and, ultimately, convince her to stay.

 

            “Brian,” she sighed, looking at him with tearful eyes. As much as she wanted to stay, she felt like she couldn’t. What if she stayed and Brian reverted back to his old ways? What if she really couldn’t move on with her life and still tour?

 

“Just stay for another week,” he pleaded, trying one last attempt to get her to agree. “Don’t make your decision yet. Wait a week, and then, if you still want to leave, I won’t argue,” Brian persuaded, shooting her his most charming, hopeful smile.

 

She stood in silent contemplation, fighting an inner war within her own mind. On one side, she wanted to stay. She wanted to see where this path took her. She wanted to experience this life she never imagined she’d be living. This life surrounded by people who loved her. But on the other hand, she wanted to return to a life of normalcy. She wanted to settle into a routine, similar to the one she’d established with Shawn so many years ago. Eventually, though, if she stayed home, the loneliness would consume her. At least on tour, like Brian had mentioned, she’d have other people to rely on – other people to keep her mind from wandering to haunted memories of her boys. And ultimately, it all came down to the fact that she really didn’t want to be alone. And that was the reason she gave in.  “Alright. One week. But no promises after that,” she added, making sure he knew she was not giving in entirely.