“Just Another Day”

Chapter One: Shy Girl

As you already know my name is Calypso Rayne of all things. I know, what were my parents thinking? I always got jokes about my name obviously but I dealt. I always just used to reply back that if I ever became famous I would have the perfect stage name. The problem with my name is the cruel irony. It is the name of someone pictured to be gorgeous, become this fabulous model, and be known by many. And I was none of the above, and knew I never could be. I was never exactly pretty. Not saying I was hideously ugly either, just….not rock ‘em sock ‘em pretty. I know what people say, that looks don’t matter, that they are only skin deep. But do you notice it’s the pretty people who say it? Those old sayings mean nothing, because in today’s not so fabulous world, they DO matter.

I’m the youngest in a family of three children, with older siblings who always seemed to do everything perfect, and then there was me. I always knew I was supposed to live up to them. All through school I aced courses, but I’m a shy girl. Let me just say that now. I blend easy into the background. Making friends was always my biggest trouble. I was teased constantly as a child so I grew up untrusting and alone. My siblings were much older than me. A brother and a sister and the closest in age to me was twelve years older. My sister Blossom. Yeah you can tell my parents were creative with the girl’s names. My brother just got lucky. Always was I compared to Blossom. She was perfect. Great grades, went to college, married her high school sweetheart, and got this amazing job right out of school. Her husband, who I knew since birth almost, also came from a rich family. And did I mention she was drop dead gorgeous? Reddish brown hair, hazel eyes, winning smile, perfect body. Everything I wasn’t, just about. She never had the problems I always did with people. She was smart. She was successful and gorgeous and now had an adorable baby girl. I wanted my sister’s life, seeing as my life was nothing compared to her perfect one.

Now I know I’m going on and on but bear with me because I swear eventually you’ll see how this is just relevant. I know you need to see just how I was and how I felt. How would you feel having the perfect sister who was twelve years older than you? Yes that big of a gap. I was the accident of the family. Every family has one, I guess. I was the “surprise” as my parents always told me.

Then there is my brother Jonathon Dale. Yeah, he’s known to the family as Johnny D but that’s random information I really didn’t have to tell you. Did I warn you that I talk a lot? It’s weird, if I don’t know you I’m quiet as a mouse but then as we get to know each other I tend not to shut up. I don’t mean to. Sorry but I sort of do so forgive me now. What was I saying? Oh back to my brother. He was the fatherly acting sibling. He’s also eighteen years older than me. He went into the Air Force, did school and came out in the perfect child land. He’s a publicist for NHRA racing. Meets famous people and gets to travel all over the country. He is in love with his girlfriend who he should just marry already. Also, he’s very handsome and suave, dark brown hair, deep brown eyes, charming smile he got from our mother. Both my brother and sister think they should run my life. They think they know what’s best but they don’t know or even consider just what I might want.

Now, try growing up to that. Being pulled aside by your parents (who made HUGE mistakes as they were growing up, as I found out as I myself grew up) asking you constantly “Why can’t you be like Blossom? Why can’t you be like Johnny?”.

Yeah, makes you feel like you’re never enough doesn’t it? That brings me back to where I started in this explaining thing. I was never pretty like my sister. I was a little more than slightly overweight but I wasn’t enormous by any means. I was in between huge and skinny I guess you could say. My hair was long and pretty, but a plain dark and dirty blond color. My eyes, one of the few features I did like on myself were shadowed by glasses. They were pretty though, I liked how they were just a solid blue. The glasses were nice frames but on my face no glasses looked good. I had a nice size gap in between my main two front teeth and any time I smiled I knew it looked fake even if it was sincere. I got told to have a “real” smile, my entire life. My face had chipmunk cheeks and I was the epitome of not ugly, but far from pretty. That was me. Guys never noticed me as more than a girl to buddy around with. One of the guys. The best I ever got was being a sister to them.

I was always a tomboy. More comfortable in jeans than a skirt. My hair always tied back, and rather be playing football than ever going near make up. I was too shy to ever ask a guy out, or even go up to a person first. All my life I had had few friends. My two closest friends, Sebastian and Teddy, had left town and I felt alone. Both guys had been the ones I trusted most, my confidants and now it was more restricted to calls and emails. I missed them dearly. Both were a little older than I, Sebastian two years older and Teddy only a year older. So they graduated before I did as a result. Sebastian was over at NYU, and Teddy was sailing around the world in the navy. What did I do once I graduated? (My High School yearbook maybe had 10 signatures if that, my senior year. By the way.) I stayed in town. Much to my parent’s disappointment, I went to the local community college. Living at home till I could earn money to move out. All we did was constantly argue. I wanted to be an artist. I loved to paint. I knew I was good at it too. However, like I said before, I was smart. I liked learning and had an interest in psychology that my family knew about. So while I wanted to pursue an art career, they wanted to push me into psychology.

Don’t get me wrong, I liked learning about it, but I didn’t think I could do it every day for a living and still be happy. The way I knew I could be with art. I’m a free spirit, plain and simple, I love creativity in any form and I like to do things my own way when it comes to my personal things. By that I mean well my way of thinking and expressing myself. My family, I love them but, they refused to listen to that. I knew going into something like psychology would just stifle me and make me feel like I was being forced to live in the mold I was starting to hate. So we fought. Constant arguing. All I wanted to do was make them happy. Always had. All my life I had changed myself over and over again to fit the mold and I never could really. I was upset, alone, and frustrated. I had no social life to be honest. I got home from school, (I had no car, so I got rides, I walked, rode the bus, or rode my bike) painted, showered, got on the internet out of boredom, and then talked to my few friends on the phone. That about summed it up. Oh and then add either fighting with parents, or visit from family members or calls, criticizing what I’m trying to do with my life.

That was it. That was all I was then. Not much of a life I suppose. It was all I had though. I tried hard to be noticed growing up by others but when I wasn’t, well by the time I turned eighteen I had given up on it. With good reason too. What guy would want a plain wallflower like me?

So at the time this was just another day I had to deal with. I was heading towards the store to pick up a few things I needed to stuff in my bag as I rode my bike home from school. More or less I was partly avoiding going home. I wasn’t looking forward to another fight and my cell had been ringing off and on all day. Yeah I had a cell. Gift from parents for Christmas when I was seventeen. Cell but not a car, sheesh.

I wasn’t really paying attention to were I was going as I talked to the one female friend I had who was decently close to me on the phone. I navigated sort of as I talked. As long as I didn’t crash I was all good. I’ve always been sort of a klutz.

Understatement of the year I guess.

“Izzy come on, I’m sure you’ll pass your finals fine.” Isabella Rivera was her name. She was freaking beautiful but not with the perfect body. Frustrated me to see it was possible but I couldn’t have it. She was a year younger than me and still in high school. She was graduating in a few months though.

“You say that cause you did it all last year!” I heard her reply with a small wail. She was planning on going to UCLA. My parents had heard that and went on about how I was just being lazy for going to community college. Maybe I was, but it was my mistake to make if it was one, but they didn’t wanna let me make it. They wanted to live my life for me.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at my friend. She was pretty smart and she usually worried for nothing when it came to things like this. “Relax! You’ll get accepted to UCLA and you’ll pass these set of finals fine. Now are we still on for movies and food with a few of your guy friends later?” Isabella was popular with guys in a way I never could be. She usually brought new ones each time and we hung out and I was always shy and awkward no matter how hard I tried not to be. And if they did like me, they ended up as just another guy on the “buddy/like sister” list of friendships and relationships.

“I can’t! I’m sorry Cally but I gotta study.”

I frowned and rode my bike as I talked, not really paying attention now. I knew these streets far too well anyway. I knew I was going in the right direction so that was all that mattered. “Iz! Come on I need to get out!”

“Then go out, look I’m sorry-”

“With who. My circle of friends is severely limited as it is. “ I sighed, there went any chance of avoiding home for the night.

“We’ll go out tomorrow ok, I swear.”

“You swear.”

“Yes! Good god stop spazzing.”

“I’m not, just irky. Alright Iz, but you freaking owe me and-” I stopped there cause out of the corner of my eye I saw someone right in my way, I swerved crazily not to run into him with my bike. So instead I ended up losing balance and crashed along the sidewalk. My phone slid away on the ground and I could hear Izzy saying, “Hello? Hello? Cally you there?” People walked right on by, stared at me as they snickered. Great another humiliation to add to the long list of times I already had. Times where I embarrassed the hell out of myself cause I didn’t think and because I was what I liked to call “Gracefully Challenged.”

I groaned, even better lets scratch myself up even more. That would attract the guys alright. I couldn’t believe my spaceyness and my klutziness. Is spaceyness a word? Oh well guess I invented one. Then a hand that only had a wedding band adorning it reached down for me and I took it. I let the person help me up. I glanced up to see a cute, kind looking man. I would’ve guessed him to be about five years older than myself, with sandy blonde hair and twinkling blue eyes. There was something almost familiar about him, but I shrugged it off. I was way too focused on how embarrassed I was too think about it.

“Look I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking and did I hurt you? I’m just a total space and a klutz and thanks for helping me up and stuff and you sure you’re ok?” I laughed nervously as I kept my gaze on anything else. I reached over for my cell where Isabella already had hung up. I would have to apologize later. “So yeah I’m sorry Mr.…” I was trying so hard not to ramble and yet I kept going. My mouth really has no button.

He chuckled and gave me a silly smile. “You know there is a time for everything, even a time for silence”

I smiled weakly back, I knew my face was red from embarrassment. Could I just crawl into a hole and live the rest of my life there? “That’s from Ecclesiastes right?” Not big on the faith, but I still knew a couple things. Yay me for having found something to say!

He smiled with a nod, looking a bit surprised I think at me knowing that off the top of my head. What can I say, my mom’s side of the family is heavily religious. “Yes it is.“

We both stay quiet for a few minutes. He watches me and laughs. “And you are…”

“Oh, I’m Calypso Rayne. Call me Cal, or Cally, that’s what everyone else does.”

“Unique name.”

I nodded. “I get that a lot.”

“I’m Chase, by the by. Do you often meet people by almost killing them with a bike?” He joked, setting it back on its kickstand for me.

“Maybe I need collision insurance.” I joked quietly. “This is why its probably safer for the world if I never get a car.”

He laughed. Chase watched me as if he expected me to act a certain way. I guess I didn’t. He looked surprised by that. “I know, I was scared to get a car when I first got it too. I put it off. But I knew I couldn’t be as bad as my friend, he’s clumsy enough to make your bike incident look graceful.”

“Mine’s more from lack of cash flowing” I replied softly with a laugh, my eyes trained on something behind him. Damn my shyness. “Life of a college student. I need a new job.”

“What are you studying?”

“I’m majoring in art right now and not sure what my Minor will be but on the other end of the spectrum I have an interest in psychology.”

“Really?” His face took on a new look of interest. “That’s a great subject. I took a few classes when I was in high school. I really liked it myself.”

“Yeah it is, it just I dunno…what’s the word….oh, intrigues me.”

“It’s useful too sometimes.“

I could not help but smirk a little. “Yeah I can analyze my crazy fam.“

He laughed, “My friends and family aren’t what most would consider normal either.“

I started feeling more at ease for the conversation. He had a vibe about him that made you feel comfortable. “Yeah but I don’t want a career in it. I can‘t see myself enjoying it as a living.”

“Exactly. I never wanted to pursue it either.”

“What do you do?”

Chase gave me an impish smile then. His ceruleans eyes sparkled as if they contained a secret. “I dabble some in music…”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, music is the voice of the soul, of God even, to be poetic and preachy at the same time.” I wasn’t surprised at another religion mention. He did seem the type to be into that, just a vibe I was able to get from him and all. Plus the southern twang in his voice, not to be all stereotype-y, but south usually means big on religion.

Another laugh escaped from me. “Any art is like that.”

“You sound like you’d know.“

“We’ll just say I dabble in painting. I love the expressive-y -ness of it.“

“Nothing is better, but sometimes it can have a price…”

I was about to ask what he meant, when he glanced at his watch and spoke before I could.

“You visiting LA Cally?”

“Oh I live here.” My smile was uncomfortable and small despite how at ease I felt. I never smiled fully in front of people I didn’t know well. I never liked the idea of letting them see my fake looking and not so great smile. “I go to school at CCLA”

Chase nodded, beaming at me. “I would talk more but I was on my way to pick up a friend actually. He called and now I got to help his troublesome behind.” He said with slight annoyance; but I could tell whoever it was, Chase cared about the person. “We should hang out sometime.” Chase then pulled out a pen, and jotted the number lightly upon my hand.

Shyly I told him mine as well. I always had a hard time being able to tell if people were being sincere. Well good time to risk it I guess. It was just a vibe I got off of him I felt I had to trust. Besides, what would it hurt to exchange numbers? If something bad happened I would have my cell number changed, no big.

“Other than my wife I don’t meet many women who are worth talking to.” See? I’m always a friend. Le sigh. Why am I even surprised? I knew he had to be taken. He gave me a winning grin. “So I have to nab you as a friend. I’ll see you later Cally. God bless.”

I watched him head off. “Later Chase.” I said quietly and started riding again. I didn’t know if he heard me but it didn’t matter. I now had to head home and deal with the daily disappointment as usual. This new friend just went to the back of my mind, temporarily forgotten. The way I had thought I would be forgotten to him. I’m not very memorable. Never was.

“Just Another Day”

Chapter Two: Shallow Image

Life to me, wasn’t worth any of the crap you had to deal with to get through each day. I didn’t have much in my life worth living for. My family was a disaster to put it in the most mild way possible. I had three guys I considered my brothers. Why they even put up with I never understood. My world constantly consisted of pain, disappointment, and abandonment. Just why bother, you know? Abusive parents, cruel fame knocking on my door, ignored by all members of the family by the time I was legally an adult. Except when mother dearest needed money, or bring me down with calls yelling how much of a screw up I am. Now I’m twenty two, four years after moving out and none of that has changed. As for fame, it was never what people thought it was. The world loved me. The world hated me. More often hated than loved. And they didn’t even love me actually. The truth was, they loved my image. Nickolas James Cordele. That was who they loved. Nick Cordele. Did they ever want me? Plain old Nick? Doubted it. I’ve been trying to hit fame since I was thirteen years old. It hit at seventeen, so five years now. My life was beyond what I defined as hell and I was sick of it all.

I knew there were some things not meant for me. I knew fame was because I had it. Loads of it. I’m the youngest member in the music scene’s freshest and biggest rock group since Nickelback. Maybe you’ve heard of us. I bet you have, or at least one of our songs. Rising Phoenix, was the name of our band. The last thing keeping me on the thread of sanity too. Music was my life. It was just a part of me. I write songs constantly and there was no bigger rush than getting up and performing. The tour bus always sucks though. I go fucking stir crazy on it and as my band mate, Scott liked to tell me, “I drive them all off the wall”. So when I ain’t bouncing off the damn walls myself, I always was writing in one of my notebooks ideas for new songs. Yes I carried notebooks around. I do even now. No I ain’t gay, I just use them to get all the bull crap out. If I didn’t I would have lost it a long time ago. Wait, did I ever have it? Heh oh well. I’m one of the lead singers, and I’m on the guitar. Typical shallow rockstar I bet you’re thinking. So from thirteen on all I had were the guys. Damn good thing too or I would have been gone long before now. Not trying to get your sympathy or any of that shit. Just a fact.

Fame hit us all of a sudden. One day we were doing gigs at clubs around Florida, and we got discovered, had a single and blew up. That simple and that crazy. There were four of us in the group. All of them thought I would never grow up and they all thought they knew what was best for me. There was me, Jay, Chase, and Scott. Scott was the oldest, about five years older than I was, he was on the keyboards. Him and I always butted heads. Heh. Now he didn’t have so much time to rag on my shit cause he was married and trying to start a family. There was my best friend Chase, three years older than me, and he‘s on guitar as well. He sang a lot of leads, but they gave the most to me. In my opinion he’s always had a better voice than me but no one else agrees with that. Chase and I just kind of I don’t know, clicked since we met and I was thirteen and he was eighteen. Lately though things were different cause he was married with a son now. And Jay closest in age to me, only two years older, and well Jay was the crazy out of his mind, drummer of the band. He lived for getting the fans hyped. Jay was getting over issues he had to deal with. But those I won’t share though, that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Now you may want to call me bitter. I dare you to then. I have a damn good reason to know the world hated me. I’m not going to delve into those though. Trust me though, I had reason. I don’t mean my screwed up so called family either. Can you believe they’re only the tip of the iceberg that is my hell? I wanted to just die. End all the shit now. Save everyone trouble of freaking out about me. Not bug anyone anymore. It would just be easier.

Enough with the pity party I’m having. That’s not what you wanna hear anyway right? I know it’s not. I ain’t much of a writer. I ain’t much of anything really. I’m just me, fumbling my way through the world as everyone enjoyed watching me fail.

So one night I was doing the usual. Out partying and shit. Trying to make myself numb. Drinking usually helped do that for me. I didn’t care if anyone saw me. Forget my so called perfect image. I didn’t care. I wasn’t perfect and I never would but everyone thought I was. I blamed it on growing up in the spotlight the past five years. Hell at its best. About a month before I got arrested for a DUI, my ex-girlfriend was still trying to ruin my life, and guess what? My mother called and bitched me out today too. And lets not forget how the world thought and proclaimed through magazines that I’m doomed to make the band fail in our height of fame. So I wanted to just make everything a blur. I didn’t want to remember, or bother the guys. They all had their own lives, I love them but I couldn’t keep running to them forever. So I went out. I had no one else to go to anyway.

By the end of the night everything was a blur. I remember calling Chase and I remember rambling on about something incredibly stupid. Oh yeah, I was rambling about how my image damage was going to hurt my younger brother’s career. Did I mention my brother Aaron used me to get famous? My mother was behind that. He became famous more cause of my status though but he still liked to pretend I’m not family now. It wasn’t always like that but the past two years it’s gotten that way. To think he used to be on my side. We used to be close. What did you say when no one in your family wanted you? What did you say when with the exception of three friends the rest of the world only wanted you for your fame and money? I just hated everything. With just cause.

Next thing I knew I was waking up at Chase’s the next morning with a pounding headache. For a moment I was very disoriented cause he lived in Atlanta actually, but was staying in his LA apartment because we were recording for our new album over the next few months. I groaned and sat up slowly. I could hear his two year old son Cameron babbling on in the other room to Chase and his wife Anabelle. All I wanted was the world to stop. That was impossible but…It didn’t stop me from wanting it any less.

I hated myself for wanting it so bad. Pathetic, thy name was Nick Cordele.

**************

So that evening I was staying at Chase‘s. My place wasn’t far but he wanted me to stay that night. Heh, more or less because he wanted to keep an eye on me. The others were paranoid I would make Jay’s mistakes and do the stuff that landed him in rehab. Like I’m that stupid? Damn I’ve got a load of my own mistakes to make. There was a lot I needed to figure out. Things I wanted to figure out. I was having a load of trouble doing that too. Everyone thought I was a happy go lucky guy who liked to party like crazy. There was a lot going on with me that no one saw. No one saw through my fake smile. No one saw the darkness I hid inside. I was good at it. Been practicing since I was just a little kid. Hell sometimes I wondered if I even had a real smile anymore. I didn’t even know. The guys didn’t see through it either, it was that convincing. They knew what went on that no one else saw. They knew what I was dealing with but, they didn’t know how I was dealing. They thought I was alright, I knew I wasn’t. Who knew if I ever would be. Actually, correction, I knew I never would be, just no one else did. So I played it up as being insane and happy. Why bring the guys down? They couldn’t help, I was alone. Part of that was my fault I knew, it had to be, but I couldn’t screw up the guys’ lives with my baggage the way I screwed up my own.

While Chase tended to Cameron, Anabelle was cooking dinner. I use the term cooking lightly. Word of fucking advice? Never go to the LaMont’s home for dinner. Not if you want real food. Instead of the rubbery substitute you get there. Now they’re my friends, well closest thing to family I got but, neither of them could cook worth a damn. Made me feel so damn bad for Cameron. Now I can’t cook either, but at least I ain’t gonna torture you with that. I use the handy speed dial to call in, or I take you out someplace. When I’m alone then it’s whatever frozen food I got stocked in the fridge. Man, usually I ate those “Kid’s cuisine” TV dinners as I watched 24, the one series I attempted to keep up with in my crazy life. So when I’m at Chase's, I usually fed the damn monster they call a dog. Litty Leigh, it’s called. Most evil freaking cocker spaniel I ever met. Those things used to look cool to me too. Damn deceitful dogs. I never did anything to it but it liked to bite the hell out of me. So I feed the so called food there to it. Stupid thing deserved it. All freaking Cockers hate me. My ex had one too that hated me. Now I loved dogs but those things were evil.

So I was attempting to entertain myself. Watching TV in the living room and laying back on the couch. My hangover had pretty much gone away thankfully. Then I spotted Chase's cell phone on the coffee table. Now that was not smart on Chase's part. He knew me. He knew how I worked. I always got into his stuff. I’m nosy, sue me. I’ve gotten into his net accounts when I get bored. His fault for having passwords that were far too easy. See mine were hard, no one could crack mine cause mine are so random.

Besides I was bored and I knew everyone in the address book in his cell anyway. Met them all at some point or another since I had known him around eight years and counting. Friends, record company executives, our manager, religious people, (did I mention Chase once wanted to be a pastor? Just a side bar of info for ya.), family…and wait what was this? I then spotted a number I didn’t recognize. The name said “Calypso”. The name alone was enough to get me curious. It’s not something you hear everyday. Names fit the people, so she’d be one of a kind too I bet. Hmm so who was this? Heh well I wanted to find out. So I just called. I figured why the hell not?

***********

I was attempting to study when the phone rang. I almost lunged for the phone. I needed the break. Another fight with my parents and I was pretty much locking myself up in my room. Eighteen years old, almost nineteen and I was still forced to do so. I wish I could afford an apartment, a dorm room. Something! Lordie have mercy I wish I did. I tried to sketch something out to paint later but I couldn’t concentrate. I adjusted my glasses, pushed a strand of hair out of my face as I checked the caller id. The guy I met yesterday? Calling already? I had completely forgotten about him in all honesty. I thought he would too. I had been hoping it would have been Sebastian or Izzy but I would take whatever came. Yay salvation!

“Hello?”

“Hey, who is this?”

I raised a brow and frowned. Ooook this wasn’t Chase, that or his voice sounded years younger at least, all of a sudden. Great, probably a prank call. I was willing to give him ten minutes and if he messed with me I was so gonna hang up.

“This is Calypso, and who is this on Chase's phone?”

I heard a low chuckle. “A friend of his.”

I laid back on my bed, amused yet very confused. “Oh yeah? Got a name?” I put a cd in the cd player. A greatest Hits cd from my favorite group, No Doubt. Been liking them since I was seventeen when I finally heard their music even if they had been around for years before that. All I cared about was the music. I didn’t watch MTV or VH1 or see those music videos. It ruined it for me. I just listened to the radio and my cds. And I never really looked at the cd jackets ever. That was it. I also was one of the few people who have never been to a concert, there was always an issue stopping me. And I just didn’t care about entertainment news. Why should I? My friends did, my mom did, but I just didn’t. Everyone thinks I’m weird because of that. Maybe I am, I don’t know. Yes I’m different, freaky, shy, all of it. Outcast defined me. It really bugged me sometimes.

“Hello? You got a name?”

“Yeah but do I have to tell you?” He replied teasingly. “Your name is…..interesting you know.”

I smiled a bit at his tone. “Technically? No, but I’m curious. And yeah I hear that tons, you tend to with a name like Calypso Rayne, call me Cally.”

“You know what happens to curious peoples?”

“They eventually find out info?”

Then he laughed at that one. I was surprised I wasn‘t nervous but I felt more at ease on the phone. All it took was a simple hang up to escape. Not like in person meetings. I couldn‘t help but laugh too, his laugh was infectious. You wouldn’t understand unless you heard it yourself. Trust me, it was like, a manly giggle. All cute yet guyish, tee hee. “No those are investigators like private eyes, and tabloids do, the curious stay curious.”

I laughed some and put this pouty tone in my voice. “That would be mean to make me stay curious.”

“Maybe I am mean like that.”

“nah you don’t sound it.”

“Lucky for you I ain’t. Cally you said right?”

“Right” What was it that was keeping me on the line? I wasn’t sure but there was something, I was sure of that.

“You can’t tell him I called or he’ll bitch me out for taking his cell and calling you.”

“I won’t.” Chase kept my number, that surprised me. I changed the song to “Don’t Speak” and I hum along. Lord I’m just a boring wallflower, why did he even think I’d be an interesting friend? I mean honestly, he had to meet better people than me every day. And who was this guy that was for whatever reason keeping me on the line? It may be a prank. I kind of sighed at the thought, and prayed it wasn’t that.

“You promise?”

“Yep.”

“Alright, I’m his best friend, Nick.”

I started doodling an idea for a painting on one of my drawing pads. “That’s interesting. And you wanted to call me because?” The sketch began to form a lonely girl sitting atop of a field staring up at the stars.

“Because Chase doesn’t add new numbers often so I wanted to see who you were and why you were special. That and I’m bored out of my fucking mind.”

I smiled just a little. “Well I’m bored too so it works out.”

“Cool then so while Anabelle tries to cook something and it might end up poisoning me I can talk to a sexy girl that has to be cool if he has her number on his cell.”

Sexy? Oh bezel my jezels that was something I had never heard when describing me. I knew then I better savor it now, cause when he saw me it wouldn’t happen again. I’d be to friend status like with any other guy I met. Well, it didn’t matter with Chase since he was married anyway, but Nick seemed interesting. I wondered to myself just what did he look like? Did he always call random people? I liked the randomness of it. I knew it was only over the phone and we‘ve barely talked during the call about anything important but there was just something about him. “Chase’s wife?” I should warn him now. “And thanks but I’m not sexy trust me.” I said with a laugh I forced to sound natural.

“Yeah that’s her, and I’m sure you’re sexy. All girls are in their own way.”

“You haven’t seen what I look like even.”

“So take a pic with your cell and show me baby.”

I snorted at that one. Wow this guy came on strong. So why didn’t I hang up? Why did I like it even? He was not getting a picture though. No way. That and I knew I looked horrible. My hair was in a tied back mess and I was in boxers and an old sports jersey. I adjusted my glasses before they slid too far down my nose. “No way I look horrible. Besides I don‘t even know what YOU look like.”

“You don’t?” he sounded a bit taken aback. “Yeah right”

“No I don’t, and you’re not gonna see me right now. I look like crap.”

“I got this theory that the more a girl thinks she looks like shit, the sexier she must be so you better be careful before you go and turn me on or something.” he teased and was that flirting I was detecting? I was so hopelessly naïve when it came to this stuff. Good lord I didn’t know how to handle this. Help! I had one experience under my belt…which I never wanted to think of or talk about. It wasn’t huge but it hurt all the same. Even now, a whole year later. But why was he flirting? Probably cause he was a guy and didn’t have a clue of what I looked like. Guys flirted with their female friends sometimes. I knew that much but I never got much of it ever. This was new. It would die out fast though. My silence caused him to speak up again.

“Errm bad time to ask this but you’re legal right? I’m twenty two and….”

“What, you don’t like jailbait?” I chuckled, teasing back. I decided I may as well use this as some kind of learning thing anyway. Since it wouldn’t last long and all.

“I’ve been in enough trouble man.”

“Yeah I am. Barely, I‘m eighteen, nineteen in September.”

“Sweet.”

We ended up talking for three hours. Three hours straight, about random things. Things that were stupid and small but he made me laugh. I couldn’t help but smile. But I couldn’t let this guy get to me in the way he was trying to. I don’t even know him. The thing was so…weird. Then again so am I right? I don’t know. Besides, once he saw me, he wouldn’t want me. I’d be just a friend.

That’s all I ever was, that’s all I would ever be.

“Just Another Day”

Chapter Three: Angels Always Know


So I talked to the chick for three hours. Three hours! I don’t do that. Not over the phone especially. And it was to some random chick Chase befriended. But she could be someone trying to get a piece of fame. She could have known who we were and just have said nothing. So she could betray us both when she got close. It’s happened too many times. I was surprised at how calm she was with me. Especially when she said she didn’t know what I looked like. Even sounded surprised when I said she did too, like she didn’t know how she could know. Wonder if she even recognized Chase. Probably not. But what if she did realize who she met and just didn’t care about our statuses? Yeah, sure, like that could happen. That’ll happen when the hell that’s not on my earth froze over. Still, it was weird, for my world at least. She was interesting. Calypso was an anomaly in my world. Even if she was a fan, I would have given her my number by the end of the night just like I did last night all the same. There was something calming about her. The real test would be if my number was suddenly spammed with annoying fan calls. If they were I would change my number and not talk to her anymore. Cause that would prove her calmness was an act.

Chase came into the living room now that Cameron was content and we had finished eating. What they called food anyway, after I had hung up with Cally. He then spotted his cell phone on the table and glanced at me. I knew he was realizing he had left me with it. He raised a brow and watched me for a moment.

“Did you call anyone?”

“Now come on man” I sent him the grin I’m famous for, the one that’s half smirk, the one that made girls scream. Wonder if it could charm my best friend? “Why would you think I even touched your phone?”

He gave me a look and I laughed. “Because you always do.”

“Alright so I called one girl. I got bored.”

He watched me, pondered. I bet he was wondering if he had added Cally’s number in or not. “Who did you call?”

“Your newest friend.” I replied laughing. I knew he would get after me but it was worth the laugh. Especially when I saw the look on his face! Priceless stuff. It was worth it. The look in his eyes… I bet he was thinking I bragged about who I was or something.

“Nickolas James Cordele!!”

Uh oh, I had been three named. I hated my middle name. Hell I hated my full name. “Man relax, I didn’t do nothing but talk.”

He sighed and rolled those famous blue eyes at me. “She’s the first in a long time who met me and didn’t realize who I was. I could tell. It would be nice to talk to someone new WITHOUT being unsure if they were in it for fame.”

I snickered at him. “She doesn‘t know who I am either. At least she won‘t until I start yelling it to her over the phone. ”

He raised a brow and looked at me like I was crazy.

I smirked and ran a hand through my hair. It was getting long. Too long. Kept getting in my eyes and bugging the crap out of me. I needed a haircut. Oh well. Forget it. I’d do it when it annoyed me enough to remember. “She’ll figure it out sometime man,” I shrug. “And then she’ll want something, I guarantee it”

“Not everyone is like that Nick.”

“Everyone in my life is.”

“Nick-”

I shook my head and cut him off to avoid a feel good lecture. “I ended up giving her my number anyway. So don’t worry about her going fucking psycho or shit wanting to talk to me.” I taunted. Since he’s less popular than me to fans for some strange reason. I never did get why the fuck I was so appealing, especially supposedly more than the fellas. But it didn’t matter, they had what I wanted and I’d trade all the fans I could for that.

“You need to watch your mouth more.”

“I do around Cameron.”

“I meant in general”

I just shrugged.

He looked up and sighed. “You make me wonder often why the good Lord sent you to me to deal with.” He joked.

I just laughed. “Because I’m special so so special that’s why.”

He watched me again with a serious look on his face. I could see the concern on his face. See what I mean? They worried too much about me. “You know you can stay here again tonight.”

“Nah, I don’t wanna keep putting ya out. I’ll go back home tonight.”

I could see he was trying to think of a new way to convince me but I knew I would go back no matter what he said. So what if it was just an empty apartment? They didn’t need to know nothing has ever felt like home. The closest thing that ever felt like a home in my life was a damn tour bus. That was one of the more pathetic parts of being me. I just didn’t want to deal anymore. I just didn’t. That was the messed up thing about life. You couldn’t make the pain end without making everything end. At this point though, I was almost ready to consider that option.

For me, it wouldn’t be the first time I considered it.

**********


So it had been a few days since Nickolas called me. Sorry, I meant Nick. He told me at the beginning to call him that. I was trying to force myself when thinking of the chaos that became my life, to call him Nick in my mind. Lordie knows if I slipped and we actually ever talked again that would be bad. Although I did like the sound of Nickolas. Irony much, because it had always been one of my favorite guy names. God, Cally get him out of your mind! It wasn’t a big deal. Just a phone call where he flirted. There was no way we would talk again though. I was lucky Chase and I talked after we met. We had called each other maybe twice. Talked, he was a good guy to talk to. Great for advice. I caught on to that quick. I started hanging out with Chase a little more, he was a cool guy. At first I was weary to make sure he wasn’t some psycho but that went away. I hadn’t talked to Nick in awhile. I never mentioned to Chase but it bugged me. I wasn’t sure why. So why couldn’t I get a three hour phone conversation with Nick off my mind? Even my friends were noticing…

Izzy had come over while my parents were out. They went out and about often now. Now that they have an 18 year old daughter instead of a 17 year old one anyway. It annoyed me cause I did try to make things better with my parents. I honestly tried. We loved each other, but problems you have don’t go away you know? We never tried to fix problems. We ignored them and then they came back. It was more just personality conflicts that never got resolved. I tried to but whatever I guess.

“Here” She handed me an album. “Listen to them they are awesome and I’ve been trying to get you to forever, so humor me!”

“Fine, fine.”

“You’ll love it.”

Here was the crazy thing. The crazy dear god this can’t be real because real life never worked like that deal. Isabelle had brought over an album of this mainstream group she thought I’d love. I had nothing wrong with mainstream, I just never paid attention to it. I’d find it on my own pace, like I did with No Doubt. Well, it was this group called Rising Phoenix. As I popped the album in, I looked at the cover. And dead center there was Chase. Oh dear Lordie. He had looked familiar, had said he dabbled in music, but this? This was beyond anything I expected. It explained why he had watched me so careful like though. He was waiting to see if I was a fan! Oh my Lordie. I flipped open the packet to see if I could get more information. Now I was short of the side of flipping out. Izzy said they were huge. There were four guys in the band, alrightie. Chase, twenty five years old, married… knew all that. Nick Cordele, twenty two, closest to Chase in the group. Oh wow, bezel my jezels. He’s cute. Could that be? It had to right? Oh…my.

“You okay?”

“Uh, yeah, just all spacey is all.” I decided not to tell her. For all I knew, I could be wrong. And if I wasn’t, I knew she’d freak and I was so not up for that. I didn’t want her trying to track them down either. I set down the case as the music came through the speakers. Better not to think on it right?

Isabella just looked at me and laughed, her dark brown hair framing her oval shaped flawless face. She had a cuteness about her that guys thought sexy, she wasn’t skinny but she wasn’t enormous, (a bit smaller than me) but she was adorable. Her hazel eyes sparkled knowingly.

“What?” I asked, obviously not in on the joke.

“Who is he?!”

I look at her like she’s nuts. “What do you mean?”

She grinned and squealed. Iz was the one female friend I trusted, and she was a tomboy but not the way I was. She had more feminine traits in her than I ever did. Way more. Maybe that’s what guys liked about her. “There’s a guy, I know it is! You have the look!”

I giggled at that one. “What look? There’s a look?”

“Yes there’s a look and you have it so who is this guy and when can I meet him. Well…your look says you’re interested but you don’t know him extremely well yet. Just interested.”

“You’re out of your mind Iz.”

“I’m right. I know it.”

“Nah, remember guys don’t look at me like that.”

“They will. And when one does, he’ll be special.” She shrugged and leaned back. “I guarantee it.”

I turned the CD player off as we went to chill by the TV. We watched action movies most of the night. The occasional chick flick to her insistence. I wasn’t much for those. Gag me. It started with me not wanting to ever be reminded that I couldn’t live the characters in the movies lives even if I wanted to. Then after awhile when I watched them for friends or whatever, I noticed they all had the same plot. Boring. Yawn. It’s like taking a freaking nap. So by the time she left it was around 2:30 am. I couldn’t sleep. I was just I don’t know. Feeling lonely? We had watched the movie “Dirty Dancing” last and it just really got to me. My parents had come home an hour ago but the place was silent and felt really empty even if it wasn’t. I grabbed my cell and looked through the address book on it. Couldn’t call Teddy, he had to be sleeping by now. And getting up early thanks to the Navy. Couldn’t call Sebastian. His cell number got disconnected and I was stuck with emails and waiting for a new number. Isabella just left. Didn’t want to call a few of these numbers cause I couldn’t confide in them. I didn’t feel comfortable. Then Chase’s number came up and I figured he had to be sleeping. He had to be tending to his kid if he was awake. I noticed Nick’s number. He had said a couple days before when we talked and he gave me his number, I could call any time. He said he didn’t sleep much at night so it wouldn’t matter. But was he just being nice? Since he gave me that number I hadn’t used it. He had mine too but he hadn’t used it since he borrowed Chase’s cell anyway. I couldn’t shake the feeling though. I hated feeling down like this and when I got that way not much could get me out of it. I was about to put the cell back when I just thought I should call. I almost didn’t but I did. I speed dialed his number and listened to it ring. At the time I didn’t realize it but it was the best thing I could have done.


***********


That night was a blur to me to be honest. I was in my apartment after a night out. Just to forget. It didn’t matter what the hell happened to me anyway. I didn’t care. By the time I got back I was sobering up some and the hangover really came in. I wasn’t exactly sober but I wasn’t crazy freaking drunk anymore either. I was still pretty out of it. I just know I was depressed beyond reason. I was sick of waiting for it to end. I was just a waste of breath and space.

Why not save everyone from worrying and just do it myself now?

Forget the world and whatever plan it had. Forget God cause He doesn’t care about me the way Chase always said he did. Screw fate. I didn’t care about destiny or whatever it is that made my life so Goddamned hard. Just screw it all. I had the stuff to end it. I really did. I had to do something first though. I had to write a letter to Chase. He was my best friend. I owed him that much. So he wouldn’t blame himself. I started writing it out online in a long ass email. Might as well say all the shit now cause after tonight until whatever fucking afterlife waited for us all, I wouldn’t be able to fucking say it again. So then right as I was finishing it with “I’m going to try and if God doesn’t want me to die I guess he'll just have to send one of his angels”………

I was ready to do it. All I had to do is save it and send. Then, I could finally escape.

The phone rang. I groaned and checked who it was. Damn, it‘s Cally. Ah, crap. I can’t let her think she could have stopped this when it hit the news the next day. Sure she doesn’t know who I am now but she’d know the day news of my suicide came out.

So I answered.

“Helwo?“ Great I sounded sleepy. Let her think that. Didn’t matter, it would end soon.

“Hi, Nick? It’s um, yeah its me…..Cally” Wonder if she knew she sounded cute when nervous. At least she won’t blame herself now.

“Oh hey.”

“Did I wake you? Sorry I called this late.”

“Its coo.”

“What are you doing up this late?”

“Jus got in, hangovers fucking suck.”

“Yeah they do, you just shouldn’t drink then.”

“Works when I fucking wanna forget shit.”

“Doesn’t help though.”

“it does for me. Fuck the worlb is my helllllll and everyone in it tries to keep it that way for meeeeeee. All cause I‘m…I‘m not…peeerfect and I gotsa DUI…” I could hear the slur in my own voice. Why was I rambling so bad? Man I never gushed like this. Even drunk.

“I doubt that’s true.”

“Heh…”

“Listen since you have a hangover I’ll let you go but….” She really sounded nervous now. Like she wanted to say something important. Wonder what it was. Eh oh well. As long as it ended soon. So I’m selfish sometimes. I earned it. So I was right then. Sue Me.

“But wha? Loooook…Sorry I’ma asshole Callllllllly….” Damn I was still drunk, sobering but drunk. My head hurts like hell too.

“You know you’re really not an asshole.”

“Yes I am.”

“No, you’re not! So what if you screw up sometimes? You’re not an ass, and from the little I know, you’re a good person. I can tell when we talk for hours on the phone. You can’t fake everything.”

“Loooook I-”

“And you shouldn’t be getting drunk to drown out the problems, I know from Chase you have people who care about you…and I want to be one of them.” I heard Cally say sincerely. I could hear the concern in her voice. Something rare in my world. “I mean it.“ Then there was silence between us for a couple minutes. “Sorry to um bug you…night Nick.” She said hurriedly as if she realized what she said and was embarrassed. Then she hung up.

I listened in my head to what she said.

You have people who care about you…and I want to be one of them.

My eyes went to my email. It listed all the problems I had, why I was done with life. Then I thought about what would happen after. The guys, they would be the ones who’d be hit the worst by it. They were the ones who cared, who’d be upset. I didn’t care if my family did, they earned it. But what had the fellas done to deserve that? Nothing. And then here was this girl, who barely knew me, but was able to tell I needed to hear what she had to say. For now, that was enough to keep me around.

I didn’t commit suicide that night. I threw out the stuff I was going to use to do it. I saved the email, but never sent it.

God had sent one of his angels just in time to keep me alive. Because angels? They always knew when they were needed I guess. Or for one night at least, they did.

"Just Another Day"

Chapter Four: To Be Free

I saw my girlfriend walk out the door. Heh, sex was always fun. I stretched as she came right back in. I smirk, I knew she couldn’t leave that easy. She leaped on the bed. Her hands traveled in fun, fun, fun places. I was half tempted to rip off the clothes she had just put back on. But, hell sex was fun but I wasn't in the mood anymore. I’ve been out of it since that night where I almost…solved the problem. I ain’t saying the s-word. Even the earlier round her and I went, I enjoyed it, but something was off.

So I told her so.

“What do you mean!?”

“I meant what I said baby.”

“You’re blaming me aren’t you? Cause I can’t get you in the mood.”

Uh oh. “No, no babe that’s not what I was saying-”

Tracy’s hands were placed on her hips, those full lips of hers were set together hard with frustration that was written all across her face. Her jade eyes were trained on me, demanding silently for an explanation. A breath of exasperation blew up a lock of her fiery hair. How do I say this without getting in trouble. “What the hell WERE you saying Nick? Apparently I don’t speak dumb as hell blonde. If you want I‘ll go buy a retard to normal translator for you, but even that might be too advanced.”

My eyes narrowed. Screw it, let her be mad then! I’m not stupid. I hated when people thought I was. It drove me absolutely crazy. She had to strike that damn nerve didn’t she? Forget it then. The sex is great sure, amazing really. I just wasn’t in the mood. But I could care less if I pissed her off. Safer way of the relationship world, no connections, just fun and someone beside you.

“Fine I‘m saying right now the shit ain‘t so great.”

“Fuck you Nick!”

I heard the slamming of the door. Lying sometimes made the whole world look brighter. Or at least quieter as I crashed back in the bed, with hopes of sleep still alive.

************

I sat in the back of my math class with a small yawn. Not a fan of it. Hated it actually. Way, way too much structure for my taste really. I'm stuck though. Stupid requirements for degrees. If I had my way I would've found an out clause. Nope, I was doomed to the terrible angst I call math. So there I was sitting in the back. As always I went relatively unnoticed. That figured right? So I had a sip of my red mountain dew, my addiction soda. Most people have coffee as their addiction drink, me, hating coffee, had red mountain dew. I'm odd I know, I just wish I wasn't invisible. Then maybe I'd handle my own oddness better and not wish to change so much. So a sip of the soda, and a subtle flicking open of the cell phone is what helped me survive the deadly math course I was trapped in. Trust me, my professor wouldn't notice me ignoring him, I almost wished he would. Oh well, at least I wouldn't die of boredom today. Also, oh joy, with the psychology degree I was battling my family with not choosing, if I did that, I'm due to more math torture with the addition of statistics classes. Oh joy. Oh rapture. And now I must be getting pretty darn rambly and depressing. Sorry about that. I told you before, I tend to talk a lot. It’s just, they wanted to force me into a life, a box that just did not fit. I wanted to be true to me, to my own likes and passions, and instead they could have cared less about that as long as I did what they thought was right for me. Frustration at its best.

So I went through numbers to message. I wonder who shall answer. Dum Dum Dum... Hmm. That's actually a good question. Sebastian, I would, but still no number... Teddy, no probably was doing um...Navy things; whatever the hell they actually did. Oh! I could try Izzy! She's always been up for chatting. She's my sole close female friend for a reason. But, she still had a few more months of high school to finish out. I could try, and hope she's at lunch and not in class... Lord how could I forget only a little more than a year after escaping, when lunch usually is at Centennial high school? I continued through the numbers, I didn't want to get Iz in trouble. So I kept scanning down. You know it took me eighteen years before I actually broke down and bought a cell phone? I know, I had trouble conforming well. Le sigh. Funny thing is, only two years ago, I bought a Discman. It would be years before I caved and bought an ipod. Watch.

My professor called on everyone but me. It was a small class too. This was the only class I didn’t hate my invisibility. Disliked? Sure, but not hated. Only hated the subject of the class itself. A name caught my eye that interrupted my current train of thought then, very similar to the way it had that one night.

Nickolas Cordele
(don't tell him I listed him as Nickolas in my cell. He didn’t know.)

I hadn't called since that other night. He had been drunk as a skunk, but sobering, I had known. He sounded so...depressed rather than drunk though. Had it not been for the slurs I would have solely thought it was him just being depressed. How could he be depressed? He was Nick Cordele. Star singer of Rising Phoenix on lead guitar. He was noticed by everyone, everywhere, lived his dream, his own way. Its what I wanted, so damn badly. I wanted it desperately, just on a smaller scale. And yes, I knew was really them. I’ve been talking to Chase a lot, he knew I knew. Chase! Maybe I'd message him. He's goofy, sweet, but smart. Maybe he could help me with the concept of classical conditioning for my Psych. 101 class as well. He seemed to know more than he let on about it from our first conversation. I was having issues with it. I'd ask my parents, but I already told you how my relationship had been with them lately.

So I picked his, even though Nick did not mean any harm last time; I was weary of calling him. Not cause of him. No. No. No. Don't think that. It was all me. My fault. I blurted that last thing I said, and hung up. Like a moron. Like a dork. Sounding stupid. I hadn't even known Nick all that long. Probably thought I was a mess before he'd even see me. So I texted Chase, and we ended up on Yahoo mobile cause I liked that better.

Callyarty: hey, I need ur help
WorthdaChase: hi hun, what with?
Callyarty: psych stuff
WorthdaChase: trying to figure out Nick? lol

I wasn't, but I wanted to know what he meant now, he sparked my curiosity. I pushed a dark gold strand of my hair away from my face as my azure eyes glanced up through my glasses to make sure I wasn’t noticed for once. With my luck, I would. And I was in the middle on whether or not I'd want it.

I wasn't called on however. Not sure how I felt about that either, to be honest.

Callyarty: Nick?
WorthdaChase: he told me you 2 talked for 3 hrs, quite the feat.
Callyarty: oh, well yeah we did. we havent talked much since though


For some reason, I fail to mention the other night. Call it instinct again.

WorthdaChase: Why dont you call him?
Callyarty: dunno. not too good with that stuff.
WorthdaChase: Call it a hunch girlie, but call. he'll appreciate it
Callyarty: how do u know
WorthdaChase: Im an expert an Nickcology. call him
Callyarty: I might, once Im out of class, like I said, Im terrible at this stuff, and so yeah I dunno.
Callyarty: maybe


**********

I never did tell the guys how close I came to dying that night. They didn’t need to know. They would have just worried and all that and they were just a hell of a lot better off without knowing about it. None of them woulda believed what had gotten me to stop as it is. Come on, an eighteen year old chick I only talked to a few times, saying I was worth more than I thought? I still didn’t get myself how that got me to stop. How that got me to reconsider what the hell I was doing. It just did. It made me think if someone random who didn’t even meet me yet in person but still cared, maybe life wasn’t as fucked as I thought. This chick was something else.

I didn’t call her for the next couple days though. Heh more cause I knew I had acted shitty to her last time we talked. Even if most of it was a pure blur. I still didn’t want to call her. I figured even after saying what she did, that she didn’t like me much anymore. I wouldn’t blame her. I chased everyone away sooner or later. Whether it was with my ADHD, or with my loads of heavy baggage I’ve had piled on me. My fame that never just left me the hell alone. Something or other about me just made people stop giving a damn about me. As much as I needed someone to NOT stop giving a damn, this girl didn’t need to be hurt. I couldn’t drag her into all my shit. Better to call it a twist of fate, God sent an angel to keep me alive, and now I had to go on with life as usual. Both of us should go as we were. So I tried. And I was spacing more than I usually did. Hell that said a lot about it too. Trust me.

As it was, I was already an asshole of a boyfriend. Yes I said boyfriend. Have I even mentioned My girlfriend outside of a random sex mention from earlier? Damn, I suck. Well I did. And I wondered why no one ever stuck around? Yeah I had a girl. Been dating her two weeks I think. She didn’t try to change me like my last girlfriend did. I don’t even know what I had seen in her now. You might have heard of her too. She’s famous for being born into a dynasty type thing. She’s also had a freaking sex porno out by “accident”. Yep, you guessed it. Siena Malone. The woman everybody loved to hate and I dated her. Why? She seemed different back then. Siena's a good actor; off screen. I thought maybe she wouldn't use me for fame or money since she had so much of it on her own. I also thought there was more to her. I was a damn fool.

Tracy, my current girl, was better. Good sex to start with if I hadn’t said it already. Not famous really, yet at least. I met her at our band's video shoot for our next single. She's an extra in the video. Ironically how Chase met his current wife, if you'd like a bit of Rising Phoenix trivia. Tracy was beautiful though and fun when she wasn’t mad at me. She got so damn mad at me too easy though. She didn’t know about Calypso but what’s there to know anyway? Not much so it ain’t as bad as it sounds so don’t say a damn thing about how I shoulda said something.

Tracy, well, damn, I'd neglected her a bit. So I made it up to her yesterday. Took her out and treated her right. But today, I have my ear to the cell phone, listening to her yell at me. All because of earlier this morning. Great way to spend the day. (Sarcasm is my friend.) She's mad as hell at me. Fuck is she pissed off. I don't even know what the hell I did. All I said was that I didn’t want sex and then she annoyed me till I decided to really give her reason to be mad.

I started dating her since it had been awhile since I had anything other than the groupie one night stand shit. After Siena Malone could you blame me for taking a break from it? God damn, especially since she tried to ruin me and have all her wannabe Siena friends try to ruin my image, my career through screwed up rumors Siena wouldn‘t say herself cause she didn‘t want to be charged with slander. Sneaky little thing. Not that anyone would blame me if the rumors I ain‘t mentioning were true. But they weren‘t. I don't do that. No I this would not be specified, you knew about this or you won’t. But none of them were true anyway. Call that the one thing my failure I'm supposed to call parents taught me. I ain't like that. Not that the world believes me. Why should they when the lie sells more tabloids. I hate the fame sometimes.

“Are you even listening to me! Hello?! Well fuck you too then Nickolas James Cordele!” Dial tone.

Oh damn, I spaced. Dammit my ADHD struck again. I spaced at the worst times. Next thing I heard was that beep beep beep beep… noise you get after the dial tone stopped and you’re still on the line alone. Uh oh. Never a good sign. I needed boyfriend lessons. So I called her back, hopedto see if I can get my big ass out of trouble. It'd be nice to make a relationship work for once.

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Aw come on, someone had have pity on me and make her answer!

And then my ears wanted to scream cause not only did she pick up, but she must have rammed the phone right next to or into a radio speaker! Major feedback! Ow! God Dammit! So me, being my stubborn self, tried calling again.

Not my smartest move. Not that I had many smart moves to begin with. Cause then Tracy did the same thing. Was she trying to make me deaf?! God, I needed my hearing so I could make music properly. That hurt! So, again, being stubborn, I picked up the phone I had thrown down on my bed when my ears cried in pain, and was about to try again. I go to dial the number when I heard a voice on the other line.

“Hello?”

Whoa. Was I psychic now? Hey I could be like Madam Cleo!

“Hello?” The voice said again. Oops. Hey this wasn’t Tracy…

It was Calypso. That girl I said I wasn’t gonna call and bring into my mess of a life? Yeah her. I could have hung up. Could have been an ass and chased her out before she got pulled in. Then called Trace and tried again as I had planned. But I didn’t. Something kept me on that phone.

“Hey.”

“Oh! For a moment I thought you weren’t there or it got disconnected or something…”

There’s that cute nervousness again.

“Nah I’m here, just spacin’ some. Sorry.”

“It’s okay, I space lots too.”

“I’m a champion at it baby.”

“So…what’s up?”

“My girl is pissed off at me and I have no clue why.” Aight, that was only half true. But I wasn’t gonna be explaining all that to her okay?

“Oh, you have a girlfriend?” I didn’t tell her. Oh. Damn I just suck. Did she sound sad as she said that? Or was that my imagination? Likely the last thing I said.

“Yeah, well maybe. Not so sure anymore.” I gave a chuckle.

“Why what happened? Other than her being all mad at you I mean. I’m supposed to be a psych one day so talk to Dr. Cally.” I leaned back against the headboard of my bed. She was so easy to talk to, this girl. I needed to watch myself with this one.

“Supposed to be?”

I heard her sigh on the other end. “Yeah, supposed to be. It’s the practical career and I’d be happier…” Now why did that sound like she was brainwashed to say that? “Anywho, so what happened.

“I tried to call her after a spat this morning, and after she reamed me out verbally over the phone. So then she put the phone next to a radio or something cause all I got was major ass feedback. I tried again and she did it to me again. I was gonna try one last time but you called…and talking to you seems a bit easier on my ears.”

She laughed softly. “Aww well that sucks.”

“Women suck!” I teased. I wanted to hear that laugh again. Couldn’t explain why. Remember all I said about not having wanted to drag this girl in my life? Forget that. I needed a friend like her who’ wasn’t in the band.

“Hey now!” She whined laughing. “We do not…well most of us don’t. But she did have to say why she was mad at you.”

I shrugged even though she couldn’t see me. “Who knows…”


*************

“It’ll be okay, she’ll call back if she cares enough about you right?”

“I know she will, my ears just hurt.” He sulked, and very cutely I might add. Tee hee. Ahh! Cally stop.

“Aww poor Nick.”

“Yes, poor me!”

Talking to Nick was relaxing. Especially after a torturous math class. I sat in the courtyard where there were a bunch of benches. I didn’t have class for awhile so I was able to talk to him for awhile. I ignored the stares, yes I was a loner, yes I was a dork, and yes I was plain, leave me alone. I leaned back against my bulky backpack, I hated the fact I didn’t have a car. Students walked by giving me glances. Stop looking at me!

“Were you okay that night we talked last? Its been a few days since we talked and I thought I’d ask. You seemed hella out of it.” The wind picked up and blew into my face. Ponytail didn’t manage to keep all my hair from blowing in my face. Grr, stupid wind. Once again I was so thankful he couldn’t see me. Why would he want to anyway? I’m not that special. Yet, I wished he didn’t have that evil blood sucking girlfriend of his. Okay, so I had no freaking clue if she was that evil based off of one small fight Nick mentioned that I knew nada about. But oh well, in my mind she was cause now I stood no chance. What itty bitty one I had. He's Nick Cordele, he could have anyone, and she had to be better than me. Not that that was hard.

“I just partied too hard, hangovers suck ya know.” His voice broke into my reverie.

“Glad you’re okay at least, you worried me.”

“I did?” He sounded surprised, aww.

“A bit yeppers.”

“Hey I’m special so so special then!” I couldn’t help but giggle. He sounded happy, yet something seemed off. It bugged just a little. My eyes took in the robin’s egg blue sky, the peacefulness about me since classes started, even though the wind was still annoying me. Nope, I wasn’t going inside. “Possibly.”

“Nah, I am.”

There was an awkward pause then. I wondered what he was thinking. “Thinking about your girlfriend…”

“Tracy? Just wondering why she’s mad still. Maybe it’s cause I’m a mean ass bastard and a bad boyfriend.”

I chuckled, thinking he was kidding. “I doubt that one.”

“I wouldn’t, I am. Ask anyone. I am a bastard at heart, so next topic.” Whoa, was this the lighthearted guy I’ve been talking to? Then again, it reminded me of the vibe I had gotten that last time, that he was depressed.

“Oh hell no, not next topic, why are you so hard on yourself?”

“Cause its fucking true. I’m a mean ass bastard who can’t do anything right. So why bother? Next topic.” Mood change much? Oh lordie.

“I doubt that highly.”

“You haven’t known me that long.”

“I believe you’re not the person you think you are, you’re better.”

“How do you know that?”

“Call it instinct.”

“You’ll see.”

“Nope, you will. And I’ll prove it to ya someday, betcha anything.” Was that me talking? Since when had I ever been so bold?

I could hear him laugh, and that made me smile. “Alright then, I’ll take that bet. You’re a damn stubborn woman.”

Not my best quality. “Yeah, shy and stubborn, not the best combo.”

It' was then his tone became the teasing one I recognized. “I like it.”

“Glad someone does.”

“I do, you’re an interesting chick Calypso.”

We continued to talk and I just knew it was one of my better days. The stares students gave me became forgotten, as I relaxed and talked to this man under the setting sun in the courtyard. I missed a class but oh well. I was enjoying myself. We talked for only two hours this time around, but the conversation was better this time. I was waiting for Iz to pick me up from the college as our talk ended. I was relaxed and it was nice for once. Maybe because, for once, I was myself and not who my parents, my siblings, or my friends, wish me to be.

It felt good to be me sometimes.

***********


“I have to get to a recording session with the fellas, I’ll tell Chase you said hey. And thanks by the way Cally.” I’m forced to tell her. Honestly I was already hella late. Scott was going to have me barbequed. Damn.

“For what?” She asked confused.

“Just for the chat.” I lied. What was I supposed to say. For saving me the last time she called? Hell no.

“Oh, um hehe, you’re welcome.”

“Next time, you use your phone to take a pic of yourself and send it to me baby.”

“Why do you need that?” She sounded worried. Why?

“So when we ain’t too damn lazy to hang in person I’ll recognize you.”

“……maybe.”

“Aight, I really gotta go now.”

“Tell Chase I said hey.”

“Later Cally.”

“Bye Nick”

Click.

After we hung up I felt better. I did. Even if my girlfriend Tracy did fucking ream me out for everything just before I talked to Cally. Even if it was over something I don’t even know I did and then made worse just for kicks. Even if I felt distant, away from it all and never part of it. It was different with Cally, I felt almost connected. The only time I actually did feel connected was when I was making music, wrote. That was it. I just, felt a bit lighter then was all. I was myself for once and that was so freeing for me. To be me and not that image I had. I was me. Me without any false smiles and shit. Me without pretending to be hyper and okay around a bunch of stupid cameras. Outside of a few moments where I didn’t want Calypso to see how fucked up I am, I was able to just be…Nick and not Nick Cordele, rock star extraordinaire. (See I know big words!) And it was with Calypso who, wasn’t like most girls from what I could tell. Now I could relax and figure out how to fix things with Trace back to the way I liked it. Thank you Cally.

I could use a friend like that in my life. Just hoped my life wouldn’t destroy her.