Chapter 1

“No, no, no. For fucking Christ’s sake!” A.J. exclaimed. “It’s all wrong. Shit, let’s just erase this track and start all over,” he said as he chucked his pen across the room.

He leaned back in his seat and sighed. He’d been working on his album for weeks and he was down to the last track. For some reason, he couldn’t find the muse to keep going. A.J. sat up straight and looked at his watch. He knew what he needed…a coffee break.

“Alright, I’m going for some coffee,” he said as he stood up. “Everyone take lunch. I can’t do anymore right now.”

As soon as he stepped outside, he pulled out a cigarette and inhaled the soothing taste of tobacco. He slowly let out his breath and kept walking down the street. A.J. slipped on his sunglasses and pulled down his stocking cap. He wasn’t in the mood to be recognized. Of course, he was very aware that his tattoos alone would give him away. He shook off the thought and headed down to a coffee shop that was three blocks away from the studio. He’d barely walked one block when he heard his cell phone. Without even bothering to see who it was, he opened his phone and put it to his ear.

“Yeah?” he said as he took another drag off his cigarette.

“Yo, it’s Nick.”

“What’s up?”

“I’m having a party at my house tonight. You should come.”

“I don’t know, Nick. I really should stay late and finish up this last track. Besides, I’m not in much of a partying mood.”

“Dude, you’ve been moping around for weeks. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m just really focused on this album.”

“No, you’re hiding,” Nick argued. “Come on, man. Just stop by for a little bit. It won’t kill you.”

“I’ll think about it,” A.J. said as he stopped at the crosswalk. “Listen, I’ll call you later. I’m on my way for some coffee.”

Nick laughed. “Okay, go get your caffeine fix. Your ass better be at the party.”

“I’m not making any promises.”

“Aw, come on--”

“Goodbye, Nick,” he said then hung up.

A.J. shoved the phone back in his pocket and threw out his cigarette. He waited for the crosswalk to turn green and was becoming impatient. Nick was right…he was edgy, but there were so many things to think about at that moment. He needed to finish his album, the Unbreakable was starting in less than two weeks, and he was A.J. McLean…Backstreet Boy. Of course he was on edge. Who wouldn’t be? A.J. let out a sigh and walked across the street to the coffee shop. As soon as he stepped in, he immediately felt relieved. The familiar smell of mixed espressos filled the air. He loved this place. It was his home away from home. A.J. stepped up to the counter and immediately recognized the blonde girl behind the counter. She smiled at him.

“Your usual, Alex?” she asked.

“Brandy, you always know how to make my day,” he said with a grin.

She smiled back and wrote his order down on a notepad. “Will you be getting a bagel this time?”

A.J. shook his head. “Not today. Just the coffee.”

“Okay, I’ll get that right out to you, cutie,” she said with a wink.

He paid for his coffee and patiently waited for Brandy to bring it over. Her smiling face appeared back at the counter as she handed it to him personally.

“Thank you, sweetness,” he said.

“You’re welcome. So, when are we going out again? I had fun last week.”

“Uh, I don’t know,” he replied. “You’ve got my number. Give me a call.”

“Will do,” she said then went back to work.

A.J. stepped outside and barely made it out the door before felt someone bump into him. He gasped as the hot coffee poured down his shirt and pants.

“Oh, my god. I am so sorry,” said a woman’s voice.

“Oh, it’s okay,” A.J. said as he tried to wipe off the excess coffee on his jeans. “No one got hurt. That’s all that matters,” he said as he looked at her.

“Something like this would happen to me,” she said with a sigh as she picked up her purse.

“Let me help you,” he said as he bent down to help her pick up the items that had fallen out. “Here you go,” he said.

“Thank you,” she replied as she looked into his eyes.

A.J. was immediately hypnotized by her stare. Her eyes were piercing blue and he couldn’t take his eyes off her.

“Let me buy you another coffee,” she said as she stood up.

“You don’t have to,” A.J. said.

“No, I insist,” she said as she looked at him again.

She froze for a moment and continued to stare. A.J. looked away. He knew she’d figured out who he was.

“Aren’t you…”

“Yes,” he replied as he held out his hand. “I’m Alex.”

She smiled softly at him. “Courtney.”

“Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” she said with a grin. “What were you drinking and I’ll get you another one.”

“Carmel espresso, grande size.”

“Okay, I’ll get it for you,” she said as she disappeared into the crowd.

A few moments later, she came back with his coffee. She smiled as she handed it to him.

“Thanks,” he said.

“You’re welcome.”

“Well, I should be going now,” he said. “It was nice to have met you.”

“You too,” she said.

A.J. turned around to leave the building. He’d walked no more than fifty steps before he realized he never got her number. He quickly turned around and went back inside the coffee shop. Of course, she was nowhere to be seen. A.J. went back outside and looked around. She was gone.

“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath.

He let out a sigh when he heard his cell phone ring again. He hoped it wasn’t Nick calling to bug him again.

“Yeah?” he said when he answered it.

“Are you coming back to the studio?” his manager asked.

“Yeah, I’m on my way now,” he said then hung up.

A.J. walked down the street and occasionally looking around for Courtney. He couldn’t believe he didn’t get her number. A.J. let out a frustrated groan. It just wasn’t his day.

A.J. stood in the studio and put on his headphones. He waited for the cue from his producer and the music began. A.J. closed his eyes and sang his heart out to the song “Sincerely Yours.” Every word seemed to pump through his body as he poured his soul into the mic. Before he knew it, he had tears running down his cheeks as he sang. When the song ended, he found himself full of anger and confusion. He stepped out of the recording booth and breathed in deep breaths.

“I’m done for the night,” he said softly.

“Okay, we’ll listen to the track tomorrow afternoon and everything will be good to go if you approve,” his producer said.

“Fine,” A.J. said as he grabbed his jacket. “Good night,” he said then walked out the door.

As soon as he stepped outside, he lit a cigarette and went to his car. He pulled his keys out of his pocket and clicked the button on his keychain to unlock his car. The alarm chirped and the locks came open. He got into his car and without struggle he burst into tears. A.J. sobbed helplessly with his head resting on the steering wheel, occasionally banging his fists up against the dashboard. He took in a few deep breaths and pulled himself together. His body felt a familiar sensation…alcohol cravings. A.J. quickly pulled out his cell phone. He knew what he had to do…call Brian.

The phone rang twice as he cradled it between his ear and shoulder. He heard Brian pick up as he lit another cigarette. The tears were still falling down his cheeks.

“Brian?” he said tearfully.

“Alex, is that you?”

“Yes,” he said while sobbing.

“What’s going on?” Brian asked in concern.

“I--I need you to meet me somewhere. I--I need to talk.”

“Where are you?” he asked quietly.

“I’m in my car at the studio. Just meet me at the coffee shop down the road from there. Please, I’m gonna do something real stupid if you don’t.”

“No, get that thought out of your head,” he said quickly. “Okay, I’m on my way. Do me a favor and call you’re A.A. Sponsor and talk to her until I get there. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes,” A.J. said as he wiped the tears off his face.

“Good, I’ll be there in fifteen minutes, tops.”

“Okay,” A.J. said then hung up.

As soon as he started his car, he called his A.A. sponsor. She picked up the phone immediately.

“Alex, I was hoping you’d call. Where you were last week?”

“Sorry, I had to be in the studio,” he said. “Can I talk for a few minutes?”

“Sure, what’s going on?”

“I need a drink real bad,” he confessed.

“And why do you need one?”

“Because I fucking hurt inside. I just want it to go away!” he shouted as he tears started again.

“Okay, Alex, you need to breathe. Take deep breaths and clear your mind.”

A.J. drew in deep breaths as he drove down the road to the coffee shop. His mind began to clear as he continued to listen to his sponsor.

“Now, I don’t want you to focus on what’s bothering you. I want you to focus on thinking clearly. What have we talked about thinking clearly?”

“Find a place to call your sanctuary and go there until your mind clears,” he answered.

“And where is your sanctuary?”

“The coffee shop,” he said with a sigh.

“Is that where you’re going?”

“Yes, it is,” he said as he parked the car. “I’m here now.”

“Good, now go inside and do what you have to do to clear your mind. Would you like for me to stay on the phone with you while you do that?”

“No, Brian is on his way. I think I’ll be fine.”

“You have my number, please call if you need to.”

“I will,” he answered. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Alex. Have a good night,” she said then hung up.

A.J. took a moment to regain his composure. He shut his eyes and centered himself before stepping out the car. A.J. was completely zoned out when he heard a knock on his window. He quickly opened his eyes and saw Brian standing by his car. A.J. got out and Brian immediately hugged him.

“Sorry, I took a little longer than I meant to,” he said.

“It’s okay,” A.J. replied wearily.

“What’s going on?” Brian asked.

“Can we go inside? I need a coffee.”

“Alright,” Brian said as he put his hand on his back and led him to the entrance.

Brian found them a secluded table as A.J. ordered his coffee. He paid for his order and went to sit with Brian. He smiled at A.J. and crossed his hands, waiting for A.J. to talk.

“Dude, I don’t know what happened. I was at the studio, recording my album and I just lost it. I was just really angry and I couldn’t explain why.”

“Were you singing “Sincerely Yours?” The one song you’ve been avoiding ever since you started recording,” Brian asked.

A.J. slowly nodded and looked down at the table. “I guess it got to me a little bit.”

“Alex, it’s okay to feel angry. We all go through it at one point or another in our lives.”

“I know, but I just want to be strong enough to fight it,” he said.

“You are strong enough to fight it. You call me, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“So, then you’re strong enough.”

The waitress brought over his coffee and he took a sip of it. He softly chuckled to himself then looked at Brian.

“Six years later and I’m still struggling. When will this shit ever end?”

Brian leaned back and crossed his arms. “Do you remember when I told you that God never gives us more than what we can handle?”

“Yes.”

“Then you know you can handle this.”

A.J. nodded sarcastically. “I know, I know. This too shall pass,” he mumbled.

“I think this album is exactly what you need. Get all that emotion out of you before you join us on tour. I think you’ll feel much better about yourself if you did.”

“Well, the last track was recorded tonight,” he said as he stirred his coffee.

Brian leaned forward and rested his arms on the table. “Have you eaten today?”

“No.”

Brian raised his eyebrows at him and stood up. “Don’t go anywhere.”

“What are you doing?”

Brian ignored him and went up to the counter. A.J. rolled his eyes and went back to sipping on his coffee. Brian came back to the table with a turkey sandwich in his hands. He set it down in front of A.J. and sat back down in his chair.

“Eat,” he urged.

“I’m not really hungry,” A.J. argued.

“Eat or I’m leaving.”

“You know what, Littrell, you’re a pain in my ass,” he said as he picked up the sandwich.

Brian smiled. “And you love me for it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” A.J. replied.

After A.J. had finished his sandwich, Brian nodded in approval.

“Well, I should get back home to my wife and son. Do you feel better?”

“Yeah, thanks, Rok.”

“No, problem,” Brian said as he stood up. “Are you going home?”

“I will in a little while. I’m going to sit here and finish my coffee before I go.”

“Okay,” he said as he hugged A.J. “Don’t forget about the rehearsals tomorrow night.”

“Seven sharp,” A.J. said then hugged him back.

Brian left the coffee shop and A.J. went back to sipping on his espresso. He was enjoying the savoring taste when he heard a loud crash behind him.

“Damn it!” shouted a female’s voice.

A.J. turned around and was surprised to see Courtney at the table behind him, picking up a broken plate. He got up and stepped over to her.

“You need any help?” he asked.

“No, I got it,” she said as she stepped back and stepped on his foot. She jumped and turned around. “I am so sorry,” she stuttered. “It--it just isn’t my day,” she said then looked at him.

A.J. smiled as he looked into those beautiful blue eyes. She tilted her head to the side and looked at him. A smile crept across her face as she pushed the chair out of the way.

“So, we meet again,” she said as she grabbed her broom.

“Yes…we do,” he replied. “I didn’t realize you worked here.”

“Yeah, surprising, right? An upscale coffee shop hiring on a clumsy waitress such as myself. What were they thinking?” she said as she started sweeping.

A.J. admired the tattoo on her arm. It looked like some sort of Egyptian symbol with brightly colored flowers surrounding it. He could tell parts of it were recently new from the brightness of color.

“Nice artwork,” he complimented.

“Thanks,” she said with a smile. “I like yours too.”

“Thanks” he replied.

“You’re welcome,” she said softly.

The stared at each other for a moment and then she cleared her throat and looked her watch.

“We close in three minutes and I still have a ton of work to do.”

“Yeah, I should head home,” A.J. said. “Maybe we’ll see each other again sometime.”

“Maybe,” she said with a smile.

“Have a good night,” he said.

“You too,” she replied and went back to her sweeping.

A.J. smiled and left the coffee shop. He got in his car and couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. There was something about this woman that kept him interested. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he wanted to know more about her. A.J. chuckled to himself and turned on the car. It was late and he needed his sleep. As he drove down the road to his home, he made a mental note to himself…find out more about this mysterious Courtney.

After a long day of working on the album production, A.J. decided he was in need of a coffee break. He went to his usual coffee shop, and hoped to find more than just coffee there. He stood in line and smiled when he saw Brandy waiting at the counter.

“Back again?” she said with a smile.

“Hey, I need caffeine,” he joked.

“Your usual?” she asked.

A.J. nodded. “That and a club sandwich with a glass of water, please.”

Brandy wrote down his order and smiled. “So, when are you free next? I would love to go out.”

A.J. shrugged. “I’m kinda going on a day by day schedule for right now. If I happen to have a free day, I’ll call you.”

“Great,” she said. “Are you taking this to go?”

“Nah, I think I’ll eat here today.”

“Alright, then,” she said as she handed him a number and rang up his order. “Seven dollars even.”

A.J. handed her a ten and smiled. “Keep the change,” he said as he picked up the number and went to find a table.

He was looking around for a table when he came across a familiar face. Courtney was sitting at a table with a bunch of papers and books in front of her. He smiled when he saw her. She looked cute with her reading glasses on. Her face was serious and very focused on what she was reading. He debated on whether he should approach her and he finally decided to step forward in her direction.

“You must love this place if you can stand being here off the clock,” he joked.

Courtney quickly looked up and smiled. “It’s quiet here. It’s great for studying.”

A.J. nodded. “It must be.”

“Would you like to sit down?” she asked as she cleared away a few books and papers.

“I don’t want to disturb you.”

“Oh, no, you’re fine. I need to take a study break anyway. Have a seat.”

A.J. took a seat in the chair across from her and smiled. “So, I’m assuming it’s safe to guess that you’re a student.”

Courtney rolled her eyes and took off her reading glasses. “Yeah, a late blooming one.”

He chuckled and took a sip of his coffee. “What’s your major?”

“Journalism,” she said with a smile.

“Ah, so you’re a writer.”

“Well, trying to be,” she said as shut her book. “That is if I can pass this stupid class on media.”

A.J. nodded with a smile. “You seem like a smart girl. I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

“Sure, I’m smart enough for it. I’m just a perfectionist when it comes to my school work.”

“Kinda like I am with my music.”

“Really?” she said as she put away the rest of her papers.

“Yeah, I just finished up an album. I worked on it for over a year. Everything had to be just right before I agreed to slap a name on the album.”

“I see,” she said as she stood up. “I’ll be right back. I’m going to order something.”

“Okay,” he said then took another sip of his coffee.

She came back a few minutes later with a bagel and cream cheese. A.J. eyed her for a moment. He liked the way she seemed a little disorganized when she moved. He could tell there was something always on her mind. For some reason that interested him even more. Brandy came to the table with his club sandwich and water and set it down. He noticed her give Courtney an icy stare and walked away without saying a word.

“Bitch,” Courtney muttered under her breath.

A.J. chuckled. “Issues?”

“She’s the one with issues, not me.”

“Ah, Brandy’s not that bad.”

Courtney glanced at him and shook her head. “You don’t know her the way I do. I’ve been working here a little under three months and every day she gives me hell.”

“Well, maybe she’s jealous.”

“Of what? I’m nothing to get jealous over.”

“Well, maybe you are to her,” he said as he picked apart his sandwich.

“Whatever, she’s just a bitch. I can’t stand her.”

“Okay, enough about that. Tell me about you.”

Courtney softly chuckled. “Why?”

“Because I’m interested.”

“In what?”

“In you.”

“You don’t waste any time, do you?” she said with a smile.

“If I wasted time, I wouldn’t get anywhere,” he said with a flirtatious grin.

“Don’t think I don’t know about you,” she said as she spread the cream cheese on her bagel.

“You know what about me?”

“I know you’re a big flirt. I can read, you know.”

“Oh, so you believe everything you read?”

“No, not everything.”

“So, then…tell me about yourself.”

Courtney shrugged and picked a piece of her bagel off. “There’s not much to tell. I was born and raised here in L.A. I’m going to college after a few years of working odd jobs and getting shitty pay and I work here to make ends meet. Voila, that’s me.”

A.J. laughed. “Odd jobs? What kind of odd jobs?”

“I’m a hooker,” she joked.

“Really?” he said, knowing she was being sarcastic.

“No, not really,” she said with a laugh. “I’m actually an artist.”

“That’s interesting.”

“Yeah, I designed all my tattoos.”

“Maybe you could design one for me sometime.”

“Sure, I’d love to.”

“I’ll even pay you,” he offered.

She shook her head. “I’d settle for dinner.”

A.J. put his sandwich down and smirked at her. “You stole my line.”

“You were too slow,” she said as she wrapped up the the last of her bagel. “I gotta run,” she said as she pulled out a pen a piece of paper. “Here’s my number. Give me a call some time.”

“Absolutely,” he said as he folded the paper and put it in his pocket. “You better answer when I call you.”

“Oh, I will,” she said as she put her books in her bag.

“I know where you work,” he joked.

“Indeed, you do,” she said then swung her backpack over her shoulder. “Au revoir.”

“Later,” A.J. said then went back to his sandwich.

He finished the last bite when he heard his cell phone ring. He glanced at the screen and rolled his eyes. It was Nick.

“What?” he said with a grin.

“Damn you!” Nick said with a laugh. “Where the fuck were you the other night? You never came by.”

“I told you I wasn’t in the partying mood, and you’re just now calling me about this. Dude, that was three days ago. What the fuck have you been doing?”

“Nothing,” Nick said with a snicker.

“I don’t even want to know.”

“No, you don’t,” he said. “Man, we gotta hang out more. I miss you.”

“Yeah, right,” A.J. teased.

“Nah, man, for real. We should chill.”

“Alright, I’ll hit you back when I have time,” he said. “I’ve gotta get back to the studio and help finish up some stuff.”

“Alright, peace,” Nick said then hung up.

A.J. stood up and went back to the counter. Brandy was standing there without a smile.

“Yes?” she said.

“One mocha espresso to go,” he said.

“Right,” she said then went to make his espresso.

She brought it back to him and practically slammed it on the counter, spilling some of the coffee from out of the lid. A.J. stared at her and tilted his head to the side.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

“Three fifty, please,” she said, ignoring his question.

“Brandy.”

“Three fifty…please,” she said again.

A.J. sighed and handed her a five. “Keep the change,” he said as he picked up his espresso then left the coffee shop.