Prologue

February 21, 2008

I had the dream again. The same dream where I’m sitting in the house and Julie is packing her things. I look down at my feet and noticed that they’ve sunken into the floor and I cannot move. In a panic I try to pull my feet out of the floor while I'm also screaming and begging for Julie to not leave. I fall to the floor in my attempt to pull my feet out of the holes and in the blink of an eye…she’s gone.

I can’t sleep anymore. I’m so exhausted. Every time I close my eyes, I see nothing but her face. When I do fall asleep, I just have nightmares of the last time I saw her. Then my body wakes itself up and I find myself in the hotel room, alone with cold sweats. I feel like I’m going crazy without her. Why did she have to leave? I know my life isn’t always easy to cope with, but I really thought she was the one. Am I ever going to find a woman who will just love me for who I am? I can’t take this loneliness for much longer. I’m tired of the game. I just want love…I just want her.



“Yo, Nick!” said A.J.

Nick quickly shut his journal and tucked it under his arm. He looked over at A.J. in annoyance and softly sighed.

“What?” he mumbled.

“Dude, cheer up. Good god! We’re on our way to Sydney! Pull out the camera and make a video.”

“Man, I’m not in the mood.”

“Yes, you are,” A.J. insisted. “You know once you turn that camera on and you start acting all goofy, you’re gonna perk up.”

“I guess,” Nick said as he pulled the camera out of his carry on bag.

“Turn it on and make a video. Seriously, it’ll be fun. Besides, our fans are itching for another video of Nick’s Corner,” he said with a goofy grin.

Nick laughed and turned on the camera. He turned the screen around to face him and adjusted the focus. A.J. pulled out a pamphlet with a list of places to go in Sydney.

“Look, Nick’s seafood!” A.J. said with enthusiasm.

Nick ignored him and fixed his camera. He thought for a moment and adjusted his stocking cap.

“Alright, check it out, man. We’re on a plane,” he said then paused long enough to attempt to hide a burp.

He knew he shouldn’t have had that soda, but it tasted so good! A.J. rambled on about the places in Sydney and Nick started over again. A.J. was right…he did feel a little better, but Julie still haunted his mind. Of course, being Nick Carter…no one would ever see that side of him and probably never will.

Nick laid on the couch in the dressing room. He was very tired from not getting any sleep the night before. Of course, there was far too much noise going on backstage for him to get any sleep. He sighed loudly as he stared up at the ceiling. His head pounded from lack of sleep and stress. All he could do was rub his temples and try to relax before the show.

“Nick, are you alright?” said a woman’s voice.

Nick opened his eyes and saw Stephanie, the tour intern, standing by the couch. He smiled softly and sat up.

“Yeah, I’ve just got a small headache,” he replied.

She put down her clipboard and dug into her purse. Nick smiled as she pulled out a bottle of Tylenol and opened it.

“How many?” she asked.

“Two will be fine,” he said as he opened his water bottle.

“Here you go,” she said as she handed him two tablets.

“Thanks a million,” he said then swallowed them.

She sat beside him and pulled out her pen. “I’m supposed to ask you what do you want for dinner after the show?”

“What are my options again?” he asked softly.

“Pizza, chicken salad, spaghetti and meatballs, or grilled cheese.”

Nick wrinkled his nose and smirked. “Not a big variety tonight, is there?”

Stephanie laughed and shook her head. “I’m afraid not.”

He sighed and thought for a moment. Nick hadn’t had much of an appetite in days. Nothing sounded good to him. He scratched his scruffy chin and shrugged.

“I don’t have a clue what I want. I guess nothing.”

“Nick, you have to eat something. This is the second time this week I’ve asked you and you said nothing. Are you sure you‘re okay?” she said in concern.

He slowly nodded. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“Then pick something to eat.”

“Okay, fine, put me down for pizza.”

“Alright,” she said as she wrote it down. “Well, I’m off to find out what everyone else wants. Take care of that headache, Nick,” she said with a smile then stood up.

Nick watched her walk away then laid back down on the couch. His headache was starting to fade away and fatigue was hitting him when heard the sound of Baylee running up to him.

“Nicky! Nicky! Nicky!” he shouted.

Nick opened his eyes and looked at him. “Hey, Little Man,” he said softly.

“Baylee!” Leighanne said as she came up to him. “Did you wake up Nick?”

“Yes,” he giggled.

“You evil little boy,” she said with a laugh and picked him up. “I’m sorry about that, Nick.”

“No, it’s okay,” he said as he rubbed his forehead.

“Are you feeling okay?” she asked.

Nick glanced at her then nodded. “I’m fine. Just tired.”

“Okay, then,” she said as she hugged Baylee. “Let’s go find Daddy,” she said as she carried him with her.

“Bye, Nicky!” he said.

“Bye,” Nick said with a laugh.

He settled himself back onto the couch and closed his eyes. Before he knew it, he’d drifted off to sleep. His mind wandered back to a simpler time between him and Julie. They were on his boat about a month before he left for the tour. It was one of the last happy moments he had with her.

“I love you,” she whispered in his ear.

Nick smiled and kissed her tenderly. “I love you too.”

“Why can’t we stay on this boat forever?” she asked.

Nick put his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder. “You know why.”

She sighed and turned around to look at him. “I’m going to miss you.”

“Why don’t you come with me? It would be fun,” he asked gently.

“You know why,” she said sadly.

Nick looked at her with tender eyes and cupped his hand under her chin. They’re lips were about to meet when the sky suddenly turned dark and the air grew cold. The wind blew around them and the rain was ice cold. Nick suddenly jolted awake just as A.J. had poured a glass of cold water on him. He gasped and quickly stood up.

“What the fuck, Alex!” he exclaimed.

A.J. laughed wickedly. “Dude, you were out cold. We’ve been trying to wake up for the past fifteen minutes.”

“I’m awake now,” he mumbled as he sat back down on the couch.

A.J. patted his back and chuckled. “I’m sorry, but there was no way you were waking up on your own.”

Nick rubbed his eyes and nodded. “Alright, whatever.”

“We go on stage in 45 minutes. You might wanna get dressed,” he said then left the room.

Nick sat on the couch for a moment then slowly got up. He passed by Howie on his way to his dressing unit. Howie grabbed his arm and Nick looked at him.

“Whoa, are you okay? You don’t look so good.”

Nick rolled his eyes and groaned in frustration. “I swear if one more person asks me that I’m going to strangle them!” He turned around and threw his hands in the air. “Before anyone asks me…I’m fine! You got it! I’m good! Thank you, carry on!”

Howie stared at him and shook his head. “Dude, you’re not fine. Whatever this is…it’s not fine,” he said then walked away, leaving Nick alone in the hall.

Nick sat on the couch of the bus with the whole gang and watched a movie. He really wasn’t in the mood to sit and watch the television screen. His mind kept wandering off into his thoughts of Julie. He was staring out the window when he felt someone tap his shoulder. Nick awoke from his daydream and looked to his left and saw Howie looking at him.

“You looked a little lost,” Howie said straight faced.

Nick shrugged and yawned. “I’m okay.”

“What’s eating you, man? You’ve been moping around for weeks. Don’t think that none of us haven’t noticed because we have.”

“Nothing’s going on. Ya’ll are just being paranoid.”

“I think I’ve known long enough to know when you’ve got a lot on your mind.”

Nick shook his head and gave Howie a half smile. “Nah, man, I’m cool.”

Leigh took Howie’s hand and kissed him. “Leave him alone, honey.”

“I’m sorry, but I’m trying to be there for him, but he’s being stubborn.”

“Leigh, control your man,” he joked.

“Just let it go, sweetie,” she said.

“Listen to the woman,” he said as he stood up. “I’m going to check my E mail.”

Nick went up front to his bunk and got out his laptop. He took a seat in the front lounge area and drew out a sigh of relief. The area was completely vacant and all the lights were off. He turned on his computer and watched the scenery go by as he waited for his computer to load. His wireless card kicked on and almost immediately, he was online. Nick scanned through his MySpace and saw nothing exciting, so he went to his personal E mail. He was in the middle of reading an E mail from his sister, Angel when he heard the chime of his AOL Messenger come on. Nick diverted his attention to the messenger box that had popped up. It was Julie. His heart pounded as he stared at her screen name. He didn’t know if he should answer or pretend he was away. Nick shook his head and clicked the box off the screen. He went back to reading the E mail when he heard another chime. Julie was being persistent.

SexyBeachBabe: Nick, I know you’re there. Stop ignoring me.

KaoticNick: I’m not ignoring you.

SexyBeachBabe: Yes, you are.

KaoticNick: What do you want?

SexyBeachBabe: Don’t get pissy with me. I need to talk to you.

KaoticNick: Oh, now you want to talk to me?

SexyBeachBabe: Nick, don’t be like this.

KaoticNick: Give me one good reason why I should talk to you.

SexyBeachBabe: Because we agreed to remain friends.

KaoticNick: What if I don’t want to be friends.

SexyBeachBabe: Stop being a fucking prick and let me talk to you.

KaoticNick: Fine, go ahead.

SexyBeachBabe: I was online the other day and Angel said you weren’t doing so good.

KaoticNick: Don’t believe everything you hear.

SexyBeachBabe: Why would she lie to me? She’s your sister.

KaoticNick: Sometimes she worries too much.

SexyBeachBabe: So, you’re telling me you’re okay with this?


Nick sighed loudly and stared at the screen. The truth was that he wasn’t okay. He missed Julie a lot and it was killing him that they weren’t together anymore. She was the first woman he’d fallen for since he’d left Paris, but she left him hanging right before the tour started.

SexyBeachBabe: Nick? Are you there?

Nick continued to stare at the screen. He was tempted to sign off and leave her high and dry, the same way that she left him. A sigh escaped from his lips as he began to type.

KaoticNick: Yeah, I’m still here.

SexyBeachBabe: You didn’t answer me.

KaoticNick: So?

SexyBeachBabe: Stop trying to be a tough guy and talk to me. I thought we were going to be friends.

KaoticNick: Why did you leave me?

SexyBeachBabe: Nick, we’ve been through this.

KaoticNick: Why did you leave me?

SexyBeachBabe: You know why.

KaoticNick: Say it!

SexyBeachBabe: Because Kyle came back from New York. Why are you trying to fight with me?

KaoticNick: Because you left me like the drop of a hat to be your ex boyfriend. You know he’s going to screw you over.

SexyBeachBabe: Do you want me to call you? Maybe we should talk about this offline.

KaoticNick: Fuck, no, I don’t want you to call me!

SexyBeachBabe: Why are you being like this? You seemed fine with it when we broke up. What’s changed?

Nick felt sick to his stomach just thinking about the day they broke up. He held everything in that day. His heart ached for her, but at the same time he wished he’d never met her. He heard the chimes of the messenger still going off, but he didn’t bother answering back. He shut his laptop and set it aside. Nick laid his head in his hands as he tried to calm down from it all. He felt sick and dizzy. All he wanted to do was forget the whole thing even happened. His thoughts were interrupted by the buzzing in his pocket. His cell phone was going off. Nick rolled his eyes and opened it, already knowing who it was.

“What!”

“Nick, talk to me, damn it!” It was Julie.

The sound of her voice made it hard to breathe. He tried to swallow, but the lump in his throat prevented him from being able to do so. His stomach tied in knots as he gripped onto the phone.

“Nick, please,” she pleaded. “I do still care about you.”

“You don’t care about anything but yourself,” he spat.

“Nick--”

“How could you do this to me?” he shouted. “I gave you everything I had within me and you tossed me to the side like a dirty sock!”

“Look, I didn’t know Kyle was going to come back. I didn’t want things to end like they did. Nick, I do care about you. I really do.”

“You left me and you ended this. I never wanted it to end.”

“I don’t understand why this is suddenly upsetting you now. Why didn’t you just tell me the truth to begin with?”

“Right, that would’ve made it so much easier,” he said in disgust. “You sicken me.”

“Would you have rather I cheated on you like all the other whores you’ve been with?”

Nick scoffed at her remark. “Fuck you!”

“Well, it’s true. Nick, I could have cheated, but I chose not to. That should prove to you how much I do care.”

“If you’d care at all, you would’ve stayed!” he shouted as he stood up.

“Nick, please stop. This isn’t helping,” she said as she began to cry.

“Fuck this,” he said then hung up his phone and threw it down on the floor.

By this time, Nick was already in tears. He couldn’t control them. He turned around to find Howie standing behind him. Nick ran his fingers through his hair and went into the bathroom. He stared at himself in the mirror and lightly punched the door as he cried. He felt like he was going insane. Nick tried to catch his breath, but his sobs seemed to take control of him. Before he knew it, he was leaning over the toilet, emptying the entire contents of his stomach. He retched loudly until there was nothing left in him. Nick gasped for air as he continued to cry. He flushed the toilet and stepped out of the bathroom. Howie was waiting by the door and stared at him in concern. Nick pushed past him and grabbed a bottled water from out of the mini fridge. He could see Howie leaning against the doorway at the corner of his eye.

“Stop staring at me,” he said as he opened his bottled water.

“You need to talk to me or one of us.”

Nick shook his head. “No, I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. Look at yourself. Stop holding this all in. You’re only going to make yourself sick.”

“Too late,” Nick said with a chuckle.

“Smart assed comments are only going to piss me off,” he said softly.

Nick turned around and looked at him. “Then get pissed off. I don’t care,” he said as he brushed past him.

Howie grabbed him by the arm. “Stop trying to be a badass.”

Nick jerked his arm away from Howie and scowled at him. “Good night,” he said then went into his bunk.