“No way,” he smiled when he looked up to her. “So you still do know what a plane is!” He joked standing up quickly so he could hug her across the desk. “How are you?” He asked when they finally broke apart.

“I‘m good, how about you?” She asked as she took a seat next to him at the desk.

“Yeah same here,” he said holding up his left hand letting her get a quick glance at the gold band on his finger, “Married now.”

“Really?” She asked trying to sound surprised, Lou had kind of kept her up to date with the happenings through email which now she was quite thankful for because if she hadn’t of known it would have been quite a blow. Hers and Marks relationship had been far from just friendship but again he had been reluctant to commit, maybe it was her? Maybe she just sought these guys out? Then again maybe if Mark was married now there was still hope for Nick, maybe he would change his mind? But what if it wasn’t just a commit thing, all the guys she had been with had rejected her in that way. Oh stop it, stop over analysing everything,” she thought to herself as Mark filled her in on what he had been up to.

“…so she’s due in September,” he beamed when he talked about expecting his first child.

“Congratulations, Rachel’s actually due in September too.”

“So you are going to be an Aunt? So how about you? I hear your dating someone famous so how do the other half live?” He asked.

“Quite well, lets just say I haven’t been flying coach lately,” she smirked.

“Oh god do you remember the trip to Nepal?” He asked starting to laugh.

“What the twelve hour flight where I was trapped between the two obese guys who stank of B.O in coach? Then there was the bloody ride on the back of the questionable looking bus whilst lugging around my backpack plus all the medical equipment? Yeah who is going to forget that anytime soon?”

“Forget what anytime soon?” Brian asked as he met her at the desk after Lou had shown him around.

“A trip to Nepal, don’t ask it’s a very long story,” she said, “Brian this is Mark, Mark Brian, Nick’s friend. Marks a registrar here kinda like a resident back home,” she explained.

“Well actually I’m a consultant now,” He said showing her his I.D badge.

“Really? Wow congratulations.” He certainly had done well for himself, he just looked so in control of his life, so happy, so un Mark like, when they had been going out he had been the other way round completely. Hell he was even considering quitting work because he didn’t know if he wanted to be a doctor, her on the other hand had everything mapped out just like always, just showed that no matter how much you planned and had goals it didn’t always mean you were going to get everything you wanted.

“For almost a year now. You still working in cardiology?” He asked.

“No ER at the moment, it’s definitely an eye opener, I wouldn’t mind getting back into this though,” she wistfully said as she looked around.

“Well we are going to Nepal again this year, I can send you the info if you’d like, we’re always screaming out for experienced nurses,” he offered.

“I’ve been out of it for a while now though, I would be so rusty.”

“Take a look at this and tell me what you see?” He said handing her the piece of paper with lots of lined that peaked and fell on them, an ECG of a patient who was obviously on the unit, or should be if the result of this test was anything to go by.

“That’s complete heart block,” she said handing it back.

“And what do we do for heart block?”

“Pace them, so was he a TGA or something?” She asked.

“Double outlet right ventricle, and you are far from rusty, at least consider it. How long are you here for? Do you have time for a coffee?” He asked.

“Do we have enough time? Is that okay?” She asked Brian knowing they had to be back for sound check.

“We’ve got plenty of time,” he smiled back. “You can fill me in about the previous trip to Nepal.”

***

Nick opened his eyes slowly and was pleasantly surprised when his head didn’t pound in distaste, he tried breathing through his nose but wasn’t as successful and he ended up nearly coughing up half a lung. Even after all the coughing he did have to admit that he felt slightly better, his head didn’t hurt, he wasn’t as bunged up and his throat wasn’t as sore as it had been. Maybe now he could give Adie the welcome he had wanted to yesterday. He knew from when he sat up that she wasn’t in the bed next to him and there was no noise coming from the bathroom so maybe she had met up with Rachel for breakfast. He flung his legs up and over the edge of the bed and that’s when he found the note on his night stand, along with the four tablets, water and nasal spray.

Drink lots of fluids? Well what else was he going to drink? Why did people feel the need to say that? He shook his thoughts from his head as he made his way to the bathroom, he grimaced slightly when he saw his reflection in the mirror, he still looked like shit, his face pale and sallow looking, he was going to be in the makeup chair for hours tonight. He did feel better though and he had already spent two days cooped up in this hotel room he couldn’t bare the though of doing it again. No he would shower, get some food in to his system and go to the hospital and meet her, he didn’t need to meet any of the kids, he didn’t need to go into any of the critical care areas, hell he could just wait in the lobby for a bit but at least he would get to spend a few hours with her.

He switched on the shower and hopped inside sighing when the warm spray hit his shoulders and slid down the rest of his body, the steam already easing the congestion in his nose. The warm water helped ease his sore muscles but was by no means as good as the massage she had given him last night, it was so good to feel her hands on him, working out all of the stressful knots that he had actually fallen asleep under her touch. “Way to go dude, you don’t see her for how many weeks and then you fall asleep on her!” He knew she would understand though, he was sick it’s not like he could help it but already with her only being her for a few hours he felt as million times better. He was just pissed off that she couldn’t get more time off work, that in two days she would be leaving again and it would be another three weeks before he would see her. Then again after Cape Town was over it meant that he would have nearly a whole two months off to enjoy with her.

When he hopped out of the shower he quickly towelled himself dry and threw on a pair of jeans, and t-shirt and quickly ran his fingers through his hair before he grabbed the nearest baseball cap.

Half an hour later he was walking in through the main entrance to Great Ormond Street hospital and spotted Adie immediately, her laughter radiating throughout the lobby, a true smile, something he hadn’t seen in a long time, not even when he gave her the ring and the promise of opening up more to her. What was even more concerning was the guy that was making her laugh, their body language seemed to mirror each others, he was too close almost invading her personal space and when he grabbed for her hand and gave it a squeeze Nick felt compelled to make his presence known.

“So I grab her just as this guy on a bike comes speed-”

“Nick,” Adie smiled cutting Mark off, but it wasn’t like her smile earlier, it didn’t quite meet her ever so expressive chocolate orbs. “What are you doing here?” She asked slightly surprised as she pulled away from Mark’s grasp, instead wrapping her arms around Nick’s neck.

“I felt better and didn’t want to waste this morning without you,” he said smiling when she leant up to kiss him on the cheek.

“You still feel a bit warm, did you take the pills?” She asked and he wanted to roll his eyes, he wasn’t a child, he didn’t need to be made to feel like one, especially in front of this doctor dude, well he was assuming he was a doctor if the stethoscope was anything to go by.

“Yeah. So who’s your friend?” he asked smiling his well rehearsed fake smile to Mark.

“Oh sorry…Nick this is Mark, I used to work with him here and Mark this is Nick my boyfriend,” she introduced noticing immediately how Nick’s eyes darkened when she mentioned Mark’s name, shit he does remember, she thought to herself as she watched the pair shake hands.

“Nice to meet you,” Mark said.

“You too,” He smiled before turning back to Adie, “Have you already been to the ICU?” He asked.

“Yeah that’s where we bumped into Mark I guess we ought to be going really,” she said smiling apologetically to her friend.

“Really? I feel like I’ve monopolised your morning you didn’t even get to see the plans for the new building, Francesca is in today as well and I know she will kill me if I don’t at least take you up to say a quick hello.”

“Fran’s in?” Adie asked and Nick could hear the obvious disappointment in her voice as if the look that crossed her face wasn’t enough. God he hated this, but he knew what he had to do after all if he didn’t she would spend the rest of the day bummed that she didn’t get to someone who she desperately wanted to.

He took her hand making Adie look to him hopefully before he smiled and said, “Stay if you want, it’s only sound check this afternoon.” The smile the crossed her face was enough to make him feel good.

“You’re sure? Cause I can see her another time,” she tried but he knew deep down she was only saying it because she felt she had to, because she didn’t want to seem to eager.

“Yeah. Meet me for dinner back at the hotel?” He asked.

“Of course. Keep taking the Ibuprofen and throat spray and rest your voice,” she told him as she leant up to give him a quick peck on the lips. She said a quick goodbye to Brian and then he watched as she walked towards the bank of elevators all the while laughing and joking with Mark, her voice and laughter ringing throughout the hallway and he couldn’t help but think that was how they used to be.

He had to get that spark back.

***

As if having a cold wasn’t bad enough, the world just seemed to be against him today. He should have known that his sudden feelings of being better would not last, that by the time it really mattered he would be feeling like shit, well he was feeling like shit now and he hadn’t even sang a note so it didn’t bode well for tonight. It was just fucking typical of him to get sick before a big show and it always seemed to be him, no one else ever infected him, it was always him infecting everyone else, then because of travelling in such close quarters it meant it would circle back around. God he would be lucky if he got rid of this stinking cold before the end of this leg of the tour.

Add all that to the fact that they were doing a full run through today because of the added pyro and cameras plus the fans sound check party, all he wanted to do was crawl into bed for the next seven days but unfourtunetly he wasn’t Nick Carter this week he was Nick Backstreet. His dampened mood did nothing to discourage him from the distressing thoughts of what Adie was doing at this precise moment with Dr fucking McDreamy, Great thanks to her obsession with Grey’s anatomy I’m now having visions of her sleeping with him just like bloody Meredith did - oh god do not let it slip to the others that you’ve watched that!” he thought to himself as he threw the tennis ball against the wall and caught it again.

It had taken all he had to tell her to stay earlier because it was the last thing he wanted. He was well aware of who Mark was, of what had happened between him and his girlfriend, there was a lot of history there and he could in all honesty say that he was confident that Adie didn’t still have feelings for him. Just the way she was looking at him today, their interaction with each other, their body language she had been like she had three years ago when they had first met and that’s when the starteling change in her occurred to him.

Yes she had gotten more serious the longer they had been together but then so had he, it was just part of growing up, of getting older but in that time she had seemed to of lost her spark, to have lost herself. He knew that it was partly to do with him, he was partly to blame for her unhappiness but then again she had a hell of lot, a lot more then most, a lot more then before they had met, so who was she to be unhappy?

“Are you angry at the ball or at the wall?” Brian asked starteling Nick from his thoughts.

“Neither,” he grumbled.

“Everyone gets sick Nick, loads of people have crappy immune systems,” he tried to joke, catching the tennis ball when Nick threw it at him.

“I’m not mad at that,” he said catching the ball when Brian threw it back.

“Aahh so you are mad at something!” Brian said raising his eyebrows. Damn it now he was going to have to talk, why couldn’t he have kept his big mouth shut?

“Maybe,” he shrugged as he carried on the little catch and throw they had going on.

“Ohh is it like a guessing game now? Who’s Nick pissed off at and why? Do I get a prize if I guess right?” He joked making Nick shake his head but smile at his goofy friend.

“Whatever.”

“It’s Adie and that Mark guy isn’t it?” Brian asked knowingly.

“How did? Oh my god your like the dude from hero’s that can read peoples minds!” Nick joked back.

“Maybe. Is there a bit of history there between them?” He asked.

“What you mean you couldn’t tell from being around them today?” He sceptically asked. “They used to date, got quite serious but he uh ended up being a bit of a player and then with her Dad’s heart attack she moved back and I guess it ended. She still loves him,” He stated.

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Brian chastised.

“Oh come on you saw how they were around each other,” Nick snapped.

“What I saw was two people who haven’t seen each other in a long time catching up, they were reminiscing about stuff, you know like you would if you ever bumped into…if you…” Brian tried. But when he thought about it all of Nick’s relationships never seemed to end amicably where they could remain friends.

“Who Brian? Paris? Mandy? Tiff? What does that say about me? How long is it going to be until Adie is added to that list?”

“Look I’m not going to sit here and let you get down on yourself. If you look back on your track record at the girls you used to date it’s not surprising none of them ended amicably, they were only for you because of your money and your status, we all know Adie isn’t like that,” Brian pointed out.

“Yeah but in that past it was always me calling the shots on when things ended, what if this time it’s her?” He asked unsurely.

“You guys are going through a rough patch, happens to every body man. You’ll get through this, just don’t go doing anything stupid.”

Little did Nick know that by this afternoon Angel’s question would be answered.

***

She walked into the sound check a little over halfway through and almost walked right back out again when she heard the song that they were singing, it couldn’t be a sign could it? Right now she wasn’t so confident. She was so terribly confused.

Being back in this city, going back to where she trained, seeing her old life, her old hospital, her old friends…seeing Mark, well it made her feel so unsure of her life, of the choices she had made to lead her down this path. Yes Mark was married now, yes he had a baby on the way, yes she knew nothing would ever or could ever happen between the pair but it hadn’t stopped her thinking what if today. What if she hadn’t of caught Mark in bed with that other nurse? What if she could have gotten past it? What if her Father hadn’t of had his heart attack? What would her life be like now? Would she have been happy or would she be feeling the exact same way she was at this precise moment? She didn’t know and she knew she never would.

The one thing she did know though was that she couldn’t stay there in the mood she was in. She needed a few hours to herself, she needed some time to think and so she quickly left, telling Marcus she would be back at the hotel. Nick hadn’t expected her to show there anyway.

***

It felt so damn good to get out of the venue, even if it was just going to be for a few hours. The run through and sound check party hadn’t gone as bad as he thought, his voice managed to hold out but he knew there would be a few snaky comments on live daily about his lack of participation and conversation during the sound check. To hell with them though, he knew there would be a lot more flack to contend with if he couldn’t perform tonight.

Marcus had decided that a “through the kitchens and depths of the hotel” route was a good idea and Nick agreed whole heartedly. He loved his fans but there was nothing worse then having to stand and smile, be happy and sign autographs when you felt like crap. All he wanted was his bed, well Adie in his bed but yeah he could live without anything else for the moment.

“C’mon dude,” Marcus said when the car pulled to a stop in the loading bay of the hotel. Nick hauled himself out of the car and followed Marcus towards the elevators, leaning up against the corner of it when they got in. As he predicted it stopped right at the main lobby but luckily Marcus had pre-empted this and stood in front of Nick, slightly blocking him from view as the two girls got in. Nick knew from the get go that they weren’t Backstreet fans though, they would have recognised Marcus right away if they had been and he knew he could relax again, so he closed his eyes and leant his head back against the mirror, listening to their conversation.

“I say if he’s saying no just accidentally forget to take them, you know once your pregnant he’ll warm up to idea. I mean look at-”

Nick’s eyes snapped open at what he heard. No she wouldn’t do that, it wasn’t her style, then again what was to stop her? She was very head strong when it came to getting what she wanted, at achieving her goals and this was a big one of hers. She might have been skipping out on them for months, ever since their argument over it, Jesus how many times had they had sex since then? It wasn’t as much as they would have if he hadn’t of been touring but still it was enough, hell one time was enough. He put his face in his hands as he contemplated that repercussions of this, he could be a father, right now she could be pregnant.

If she was she would have made it known though, there’s no way she wouldn’t have told him the second she got off the plane, then again maybe she was and she didn’t know yet. Jesus this was one hell of a fucking mess, how was he supposed to ask her something like that? “Oh honey I heard these two girls talking and their plan sounded pretty much like something you might do to trap me into having a child, so are you?” Yeah he didn’t think it would go down to well either.

Pills! I If she was taking her pills she would have them here with her, he could count them, make sure. That was the safest way forward.

“Dude you okay?” Marcus asked when the elevator lurched to a stop at their floor.

“Just got a slight headache, I’m gona go lie down,” he said as he walked towards his room.

“Sure thing, I’ll knock you half an hour before we have to leave.”

Nick waved at him and then slid the key card in the door, pulling the handle down when the light turned green, holding his breath until he could see she wasn’t in the room. Sighing in relief when he realised she was in the shower when he heard the water running, that was good it gave him time to find the pills. He quickly went to it, finding her holdall, throwing it aside quickly when he realised it was empty, she liked to unpack everywhere she went, even if they were just staying for the night. That meant one of two things, it was either in her wash bag which would be with her in the bathroom or it would be in her purse.

He took the second option rummaging through the bag, smiling when he felt his hand locate the bottle in one of the side pockets. “Please let it be the pill, please let it be the pill.”

He sighed in relief, at least there were with her, now all he needed to do was count how many were in there, there shouldn’t be many that he knew for sure, she was always due on at the end of the month and they were well into May now. He carefully opened to top and shook the contents out into his palm, concentrating so much on not dropping any and counting he didn’t hear the water stop running and he was literally caught with his hands inside the cookie jar a few moments later.

“What are you doing?”

If she didn’t get out of this shower soon she was going to end up looking like a wrinkled prune, it wasn’t helping her thought process anyway, she was still no clearer in deciding how she needed to proceed to sort this problem out. She quickly shut off the shower and grabbed the towel wrapping it around her middle while she got another and wrapped her long sopping locks in it before she climbed out and into the main part of the bathroom. She quickly towelled herself dry and threw on the pair of sweats and tank top, knowing that when Nick was back all he would want to do was crash on the bed for a few hours so there was no use wrinkling up what she was going to wear tonight.

She sprayed on some deodorant and then hung up the towel before she made her way out into the bedroom, frowning slightly when she spotted Nick who looked so deep in thought he hadn’t even heard her come in.

He jumped when she asked “What are you doing?”

“Nothing,” he replied far to quickly placing the handful of pills back into the bottle. He looked to guilty to be doing anything above board and that’s when she realised what the tablets in his hand were. All his pain meds had been in boxes, the only thing she knew were in a bottle like that were her contraceptive pill, so why the hell did he have them out?

“Your pain meds are over there,” she pointed out his gaze following her finger to the nightstand next to his side of the bed.

“Oh yeah,” he said placing the bottle back in her bag before he walked over and popped two off the pills quickly, but if he thought she was going to let this go he was so wrong, she was intrigued at his behaviour now.

“So why did you…” as soon as his back stiffened she realised what she had caught him doing and she threw the towel she had been roughly drying her hair with on the bed. “I can’t fucking believe you!”

“What?” He fired back turning to her.

“You were counting them weren’t you?!” She accused shaking her head in disgust at him.

“No I wasn’t. Why would I do that?” He lied unsuccessfully, he could never met her eye when he lied and it was just convenient the way he turned away from her when he uttered the words.

“Oh at least have the decency to own up to what you were doing, I caught you fucking red handed!” She yelled.

“Fine okay I was,” he said standing up and holding his arms up in defeat.

“Why?” She asked softly, her brow wrinkling in confusion but he just kept quiet. “Do you not trust me?” Again he kept quiet and diverted his gaze down to the floor. He was so child like when it came to stuff like this, especially when he was in the wrong, he would try and avoid the situation which made her ever madder. “Have I ever given you a reason to not trust me?”

“No,” he mumbled.

“Then why did you feel the need to check that I was still taking my pill?” She almost yelled again her confusion turning into agitation.

“Because after what we were talking about it would be damn easy for you to spring a pregnancy on me,” he said ducking when she threw a remote at him. “Well that’s mature!”

“Don’t you dare say that to me! MATURE! YOU’RE FUCKING MATURE ARE YOU?!!” She yelled. “You know what? I have put up with the rest of your shit Nick but I won’t stand for this. How dare you go behind my back like that? This just go to show how much you don’t want to be with me, how uncommitted you are to this relationship.”

“Here we go again,” he said rolling his eyes.

“Excuse me? Here we go again? What the hell is that supposed to mean?” She asked angrily crossing her arms.

“Every argument we have it always comes back to me and my lack of commitment to you. Commitment doesn’t equal marriage and babies Adie I’ve done a lot to show I love you, to show that I want to be with you. You’re just pissed off that you’re not getting your own way,” he accused.

“Not getting my own way? Well then you’re pissed off that I’m not bowing down to your every wish like you’ve been so used to in the past, that I’m not just going to roll over and let you walk all over me!”

“That’s where your wrong because that’s what I love about you,” he admitted.

She rolled her eyes and shook her head at him before replying, “Yeah you’re so in love with me.”

“Well tell me how you define love? What I can do to show that I love you because I’m obviously not doing a good enough job at the moment am I?”

“You already know,” She told him as she sat down on the bed and began rough drying her hair again.

“And we’re back to the marriage thing again,” he sighed. She didn’t reply, just kept on drying her hair but he could tell she was crying, even if he couldn’t see her face or hear her he knew and he hated that he was the cause of that. He gently sat down on the bed and reached out to rub her arm but she pulled away quickly, moving over to the chair in the corner of the room. “I am committed to you,” he told her when she just stared at him with her red rimmed eyes. “I moved halfway across the country for you, accepted that we were going to have time apart, I quit partying for you.”

“Yeah but we all know there was another reason for that though don’t we?” She said raising her eyebrows challengingly to him, wrapping her arms around herself.

“I knew you were going to throw that in my face,” he spat back standing up from the bed. “It was three years ago, it was over before it started, I’ve changed Adie.”

“Still cheated though didn’t you?” She challenged.

“Yeah. Is that what you want to hear? You want me to admit it again? Okay I will, she gave me head, I was drunk, pissed off at you and I made a mistake. If I hurt you that badly why did you take me back?” He asked.

“I’m beginning to ask myself the same question,” she replied not missing how hurt he looked when she admitted that but she was too pissed off to apologise and so she just looked away, staring out the window.

“I don’t understand you. You’re obviously not happy with me and the life we have at the moment so I don’t know why you’re in such a rush to run down the isle when it quite clearly wouldn’t last.”

“What do you mean by that?” She asked turning again to face him.

“A piece of paper and a ring are not going to change anything Adie, our problems are still going to be there and I don’t want to make that mistake with you,” he softly admitted bending down in front of her, his hands rubbing the tops of her thighs.

“I just want to know that I’m not wasting my time.”

“I love you,” he said taking her hand and kissing the top of it, “I’ve always loved you,” he said turning it over and kissing her palm, “ and I’m always going to love you,” he said reaching up to dry the few tears that had spilled before leaning in to kiss her. She leant into it at first but as soon as his hand began to creep towards her centre she pulled away knowing she couldn’t allow herself to go through with it, if she did that would mean he would have won.

“No,” she said trying to push him away but he was stronger and just trailed his kisses down her neck.

“Let me show you how much I love you,” he mumbled.

“NO!” She said pushing him more forcefully, making him fall to the floor in a heap before she climbed over him. “You don’t get to do that, you can’t just expect to sleep with me and make all this go away. I… think we need some time apart,” she said with a shaky breath.

“Time apart?” he sarcastically laughed. “I think that’s the cause of our problems, how the hell are we supposed to sort through them when we’re apart?”

“Well we’re not exactly sorting through them when we’re together are we?” She challenged.

He stood up and made his way to her slowly, “Look after tomorrow we’re going to be apart for another three weeks and then I’m home and we’re going to go to therapy and we’re going to sort through this, I promise.”

“I’ve been asked to go to Nepal,” she admitted not looking at him.

“Nepal? What’s in Nepal?” He asked confused.

“There’s a group that go every year, they perform cardiac surgery for free on kids out there who need it, they need ITU nurses with experience and I’ve been asked to go.”

“How long for?” He asked.

“Two months.”

“You don’t have any holiday left from work,” he pointed out.

“I can take unpaid leave.”

“So that means by the time you get back I’m going to be well into the American leg of the tour, so when are we ever going to sort through this? Why haven’t you told me Nepal was a possibility before now?” he asked.

“I didn’t know it was until today,” she admitted and instantly, with the way his facial features hardened, she knew he had pieced everything together.

“Mark asked you didn’t he?” he snidely asked shaking his head in distain. “After the way he treated you, you still think his shit doesn’t stink don’t you?”

“Oh don’t tell me your jealous, he’s married,” she retailed.

“Being with someone didn’t stop him from screwing around on you though did it?”

“Didn’t you fucking stop you either did it?” Adie threw back at him.

“Mine wasn’t for six months though, and I came to you and admitted what I had done, I didn’t let you catch me in bed with one of your best friends. I can’t believe you call him your friend, let alone still talk to him. You are not going to Nepal.”

“I’m not going? Really? And how are you going to stop me?” She laughed.

“I saw the way he was looking at you, he still loves you and don’t try and deny that you don’t have feelings for him.”

“Yeah there are still feelings there, he’s a friend Nick and that’s all. He’s married and even if he did try something on do you really think I would want to put another women through what I went through, that I would put you through that? I’m not as callous as you are, I don’t let my vagina rule my head. I know what it feels like to be cheated on and I wouldn’t want any other person to go through that humiliation,” she told him.

“One fucking time!”

“It should have been zero you should have loved me enough to say no!” She screamed back.

“Then you should love me enough to say no to Nepal,” he countered raising his eyebrows to her.

“If I asked you to quit this tour for me would you?” His silence was enough of an answer to her. “Yeah I didn’t think so!”

“This is different, this is my job,” he told her.

“Yeah well I would be going to Nepal to help sick kids Nick, not to screw Mark behind your back.”

“I just don’t think now is the time to do this, I think we need some time to try and sort through things, I don’t want us to fall apart,” He admitted his voice cracking slightly but by the time she looked to him he was facing away from her looking out the window.

“Then talk to me, tell me how you feel, open up to me,” she said walking over to him wrapping her arms around his waist from behind resting her forehead against his back.

“I can’t, not here, I’ve already told you that, we don’t have enough time anyway,” he mumbled as he rested his hands on top of hers and he moved back slightly before pulling her to rest in front of him. He pulled her arms up so they were wrapped around his neck as he leant down to kiss her again but she pulled away making him sigh.

“I said no.”

“It will de-stress you,” he tried.

“You mean it will for you, well there are plenty of groupies down stairs who I’m sure would jump at the chance.”

“Then maybe I’ll go down there and find one,” he retaliated knowing he had gone one step too far when she stared him down for a few seconds before grabbing her purse and shoes and stalked off in the direction of the door.

“You know what? You can fucking have them!” She said as she violently opened the door and almost crashed into Alex and her sister.

“Adie, I didn’t mean…just come back!” he yelled after her but it was no use and he watched as she rounded the corner.

“Go after her,” Rachel told Alex.

“You go after her she’s your sister, she’s not going to talk to me,” he replied.

“Well I’m really going to be able to catch up to her aren’t I?” She said pointing to her large stomach.

“Fine,” he said as he took off down the hallway.

“You and I are going to have a little talk,” she told Nick as she pushed him back inside the room and closed the door watching as he fell face first into the bed. “Nick?…Nick do not try and smother yourself to try and get out of this conversation!” She joked making him move and look at her a small smirk on his face before he let a few tears fall. Those tears made Rachel frown in concern, god now he was showing his emotions in front of the wrong sister, people weren’t supposed to see him when he got like this, it showed he was weak, people would play on that, would use it against him.

“I’m loosing her Rach,” he whispered as he pushed himself into the sitting position on the bed, moving over so she would have enough room to sit next to him.

“Why do you say that?” She asked as she slowly lowered herself down on to the bed and when he tried to hide a giggle she shot him a look, “don’t even start I get enough of the fat jokes from Alex!”

“Well you are looking pretty big now, guess you shouldn’t have eaten half of my cake should you!”

“Whatever and stop trying to change the subject. What happened?” She asked.

He sighed and look towards the window, wondering whether Alex had managed to catch up with her, because she could be pretty fast when she wanted to get away. “We got in a fight,” he shrugged.

“Well that much was obvious!”

“She kinda…well she uh caught me counting her pill,” he mumbled quickly dropping his eyes to the comforter before him but he still saw the shake of Rachel’s head and heard her exasperated sigh.

“Nick…why?” She asked.

“I’m not ready for that yet.”

“But has she ever given you a reason to not trust her? Has she ever given you any indication that she would do that, that she would get purposely pregnant to try and trap you?” Rachel asked pulling his face so that he had to look at her.

“No,” he said softly his cheeks blushing scarlet. The more he thought about it the more childish and irrational he realised he had been, but this was an argument that had been brewing for months anyway so maybe it was better that this had happened.

“Then why do something like that?”

“I don’t know Rach? Maybe my fever is making me delusional? Maybe I know she isn’t happy? She wants us to be married and have a family so badly but…but I…” his voice was so close to breaking, he could feel the hot angry tears at the back of his eyes and he quickly turned from the women sat beside him, not wanting her to see him like he was.

“But you what? Come on Nick tell me or tell her,” she said placing a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I want to… so badly Rachel, I really do but I’ve been hurt in the past, so many people have played on my emotions…”

“I know that and she knows that too but you can only keep saying that for so long…the longer you keep using that line the more pissed off she is going to get because your basically saying to her you don’t trust her. What you did today would have been a big slap in the face,” she told him firmly making him turn his head back to her to try and defend himself.

“I’m trying okay?” He said his voice rising slightly as he got up off the bed. “I asked her to come to therapy with me, I gave her a promise ring but I know that wasn’t enough, she thinks she hid the look on her face when I gave it too her, she thinks I don’t see her looking at it then to your wedding ring,” he angrily said pointing to the band on Rachel’s left hand.

“Okay…alright just calm down okay? Do you want me to talk to her? To try and explain?” She offered.

“No…she’ll just…it won’t change anything…we both want different things,” he said leaning his head against the window, straightening up slightly when he saw Alex walking across the road with Adie, at least he caught up with herhe thought to himself.

“What do you want Nick?” God she was the first person to ask him that in what seemed like forever and he truly didn’t know. Yes a loving family that he had helped to create would be great but there was just too much risk, he saw what happened when the idealistic picture disintegrated, saw what it did to the children and he would not be willing to put anyone through what he had been through himself.

“Her. I just want her Rach.”

Deep down he knew that that wasn’t enough for Adie and in his heart of hearts he knew that this was all going to come to end.

***

“ADIE!” Alex called for the third time as he caught up to her on the stairs, grabbing her arm. She tried to shrug him off but he held on firmly, pulling her into his embrace when she broke down and started sobbing.

“I can’t do this anymore Alex,” she hiccupped after a while.

“C’mon we’ll go and talk,” he said as he grabbed for her hand to try and take her back up to the sixteenth floor where they were all staying, but she resisted, pulling her hand out of his as she shook her head.

“I’m not going back up there. I need to get out of here,” she said swiping the tears from here eyes.

“You need to sort this out,” Alex tried.

“Not right now I don’t, if I go back up there this is just going to get worse, I’m so angry at him right now,” she said bitterly.

“Well then talk to me about it, we don’t have to go back upstairs we can go someplace else,” he added quickly when he saw the hesitation in her eyes.

She sighed and then nodded letting him lead her out of the hotel and across the road and ten minutes later she was sat in a secluded area of Hyde Park, Alex walking towards her with two coffees. He handed her one and she smiled a small thanks as she accepted and watched him sit down on the grass next to her. She was surprised when he didn’t ask her about the fight she had just had with Nick right away, instead choosing to look around his surroundings, taking in all the other people who were grabbing the opportunity to bask in the English sunshine while it lasted.

“I miss it here,” she told him, breaking the comfy silence.

“London’s cool, you know apart from the rain,” he said nodding his head in agreement.

“It doesn’t always rain Alex,” she told him with a small smile as she took a sip from her coffee.

“You know most times I’ve been here the weather had actually been like this,” he admitted making her laugh. “So why do you miss it?”

“To be honest I don’t really know, when I lived here I used to moan like hell. I hated the smog, the traffic, being so far from home, the fact that they didn’t have oreos over here then. I just have a lot of good memories here though, a lot of good friends.”

“A Fiancée,” he continued for her. She hadn’t been expecting that at all and she knew she wouldn’t be able to hide her shocked expression, her eyes widening in shock and her mouth gaping open slightly would have been the dead giveaway it was true.

“How did you know that?” She whispered but she didn’t give him anytime to answer, “Actually I don’t know why I asked that, you married my sister with the huge mouth,” she scowled.

“Does Nick know you were engaged to Mark?” He asked as he lit up a cigarette.

Did Nick know? God if he knew then their fight earlier would have been a hell of a lot worse, so no Nick wasn’t aware that at one time, be it only for a short two weeks, she had been engaged to Mark Preston. Her parents didn’t even know, the people who did were a few of her ex work colleagues and Rachel, she had wanted to tell her folks in person but luckily enough she found out about Marks infidelity before she could. She called the whole thing off when she caught him in bed with her so called best friend and she had never felt so humiliated in her life when she found out his sordid affair had been going on for six months behind her back. She supposed it was her own fault really, after all he had done it to her previously, but she had been stupid enough to let him back in.

After she walked in on the pair and felt the burning humiliated tears build up she vowed never again, she would never let someone treat her like that and then worm their way back in just like he had managed to do. It was then she realised she had gone back on that vow though, Nick had managed to worm his way back in and once again here she was unhappy with the direction of her life.

“Of course Nick doesn’t know. That’s not why were fighting though.”

“Are you sure?” he asked questioningly.

“Maybe a little, I mean…Mark was at GOS this morning but nothing happened. I mean why would it? I’m with Nick and Mark is married and the bastard cheated on me with my best friend so why would I go back to that?”

“Nick cheated on you too though didn’t he?” And for the second time today Alex surprised her with how much he knew.

“You know about that too?” She asked a little shocked.

“Adie, Nick is not subtle when it comes to stuff like that. If Mark hurt you so badly with the cheating why did you take Nick back?” He asked taking another long drag of his cigarette.

“Because I loved him.”

“Loved?” he asked questioningly turning to face her, his dark eyes staring so intently she had to look down to her lap, the silence engulfing them once again. “Do you not love him now?”

“I…I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’m just feeling like this because of all the crap we’ve been through lately or whether it’s because we both want different things. I know I don’t feel like I used to about him…I care about…I,” she trailed off as her eyes began to sting with the tears she was trying so hard to repress.

“Look I don’t feel the same way about Rach anymore, not like I did in the beginning. People change Adie, as you get to know them your perceptions about them change, we’ve all got our game faces on when we’re in a new relationship, trouble is you cant keep them on forever, believe me I’ve tried,” he chuckled. “You just have to hope when all the excitement of being in that new relationship fades that, there is something there, that you love the other person for them and not for who they were trying to be.”

“Well that’s the problem right there,” she said exasperated, throwing her hands up in defeat when a few tears fell. “I don’t feel like I know the real him, he won’t let me in and I’ve tried to hard Alex, I really have but I’m losing patience’s now. If he cant trust me enough to let me in and let me see his venerable side then what the hell is the point?”

“I know where you’re coming from and I totally understand but he does love you Adie, he really does. Nick’s just been shit on for years, even before his parents spilt he was closing off his emotions, he’s been played so many times. His Mother was the worlds worst for doing it,” He tried to tell her but she had heard it all before.

Her only thoughts now were on the ominous song that they had been singing when she walked out of the sound check earlier today.

I'm looking back and wondering why
It took so long to realize
That nothing's changed, it never will
All these years of standing still
And still we stay in all this pain
And nothing's gonna make it go away

I don't wanna wait another minute
Put me out of my misery
I can read your mind baby you're not in it
And we're not what we used to be
No you wouldn't have to lie to me
If you would only let me go
And I don't wanna wait another minute to hear
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know
Something that I already know
I know, I know, I know


So save your voice
Don't waste your breath
Can't you see we're at the end
And this goodbye is permanent
So wish me well and try to forget


And all the fights
And all the ways
We almost made it
But we never did
And it's finally come to this

Song Credit: Backstreet Boys - Something that I already know

She hadn’t gone back when Alex had asked her to, instead choosing to walk around Hyde Park and try and enjoy the beautiful warm sunny weather in the city that had so much of her history. So much bad history she realised as she walked around the huge man made lake. Maybe she should have just steered clear, maybe that was why she hadn’t come back sooner, maybe going to Great Ormond Street yesterday had been a mistake, then again it wasn’t her going to GOS that had caused the argument, it had been Nick and his lack of trust. Thinking about that whole argument once again made her tense up, she could literally feel the headache brewing, all she wanted to do was forget but it just wasn’t that simple.

Forgetting never worked, she could repress, but not forget, after all she could still vividly remember the night he came clean about his infidelity, every time she thought about it she could still smell the vanilla candles she had been burning, could hear the plate that she threw at him smash against the wall, could see her own hurt and puffy red eyes when she had looked at herself in the mirror after she threw him out. That was where she had gone wrong, instead of having a back bone and telling him it was over, she had taken him back, albeit it took him a hell of a long time to make it up to her, but she had still let him.

She had thought about what he said and the more she watched the video of him and her together, the video he had given her on that day, the more she realised that everyone makes mistakes, surely everyone deserved a second chance? That was what she had granted him, a second chance. Three weeks after he had shown up on her doorstep, she did the same to him, the conversation had been a lot different though, ending with her staying the night at his new place. Two months after that she had moved in with him. Maybe that was where they went wrong, maybe they had been to hasty, then again things had certainly slowed down now.

He had stayed true to his word though, she couldn’t fault him on that. He had made so many changes in his life, positive changes, his weight loss, his healthier lifestyle, his decrease in partying and she knew that even though he said he was doing it for himself he was doing it mainly for her. He had been right in what he said earlier, he was committed to her, so why wasn’t it enough? Why couldn’t she settle for what he had to offer her? Then again why should she? Why should she settle for second best?

Her mind then wondered onto the topic she had been avoiding for the past two months or so. If he couldn’t give her what she wanted what was she going to do about it? Deep down she had known the answer all along, she had put it off though, hoping for another change in Nick, hoping he would change his mind, hoping he would realise how much he wanted her while they were apart. Today had changed all that though, he didn’t trust her and with that he had lost her trust, her patience, and her understanding.

He slowly shuffled into the hotel room and was presently surprised when he found her asleep in the bed, her long brunette hair cascading around her pillow, the duvet pulled up around her neck. He had been certain that her not attending the concert was a sure sign she had left but yet her she was, tucked up in his bed. He loved to watch her sleep, always had, her features were always so soft, she always looked so peaceful and that when he noticed the bags under her eyes, that she looked stressed even though she was sleeping, he was the cause of that.

He sighed when he moved across the room and began to undress. He didn’t want her to leave in two days, it wasn’t enough time to sort through this, yes they had all day tomorrow to sit and talk, but the evening was Alex’s gig and then she was leaving early to catch a flight back to Nashville while he was heading to Latvia. He was so sick of all of this, of being apart, of barely talking, all he wanted was to go home and do nothing but be with her for a few weeks, it would be at least another month before he could do that though. God that was if she didn’t go to Nepal, if she decided to do that then they were looking at the end of September and with the way things were he wasn’t sure they would last that long.

Tomorrow he needed to speak to her, he needed to explain why he did what he did, he needed to apologise, they needed to part happy, not brooding on this argument but right now all he needed was sleep and so he climbed into the bed beside her whispering, “I love you, god I love you so much.”

She opened her eyes at his words, she knew he thought she was sleeping but she was far from it. She felt him turn in the bed, his back now facing towards her and a few moments later heard his quiet snores.

Then and only then did she let the silent tears fall.

***

He woke up the next morning when he heard her shuffling around the room, surely it couldn’t be time to get up yet? He felt like his head had only hit the pillow ten minutes ago but when he finally managed to open one eye Nick was surprised to find that the room was bright, the open window letting in the warm sunshine. He sighed and rolled over rubbing the sleep from his eyes and then focused on her.

She was sat at the small table, reading a newspaper and sipping on what he presumed to be a cup of steaming coffee. She was dressed in a light white linen knee length skirt, a red halter neck top, her hair pulled back so it was off her neck, a pair of large sunglasses sitting a top her head. She still hadn’t realised he was watching her as she tucked one of her feet up underneath her, getting more comfortable, a small sigh escaping her lips as she fiddled with her ponytail with one hand, something she always did when she was concentrating, next the hand came down and her pinkie finger ended up in her mouth as she lightly chewed on the nail. She was so predictable, or was it just because he knew her so well? He knew next that finger would come out of her mouth and she would inspect her hand, scrunching up her nose when she got a good look at her chewed nails.

He loved to watch her, especially when she didn’t know he was. He loved all of her kooky traits, they way she would laugh out loud at stupid things, yell at the TV in frustration at medical programmes, cry at the drop of a hat at commercials, the way her eyes would sparkle when he told her he loved her. Lately though that sparkle had disappeared, he felt as though he didn’t even know the person who sat before him. All they ever seemed to do was argue. They needed to fix that.

He was just about to sit up and tell her that he loved her, that he was sorry about what had happened yesterday but his chest protested at being kept in such a flat position over night and he ended up having a massive coughing fit. His hacking obviously caught her attention and she was by his side in an instant, patting his back once he managed to sit up. Once he stopped she didn’t say anything just got up and walked into the bathroom. Great so I’m going to get the silent treatment all day now!

She returned quickly a glass of water in her hand, “Drink this,” she said offering it to him. He took it eagerly and downed nearly the whole glass wondering how he hadn’t realised how thirsty he was earlier. “Better?” She asked sitting down next to him on the bed again.

“Yeah, thanks,” he smiled, closing his eyes when she touched her hand to his forehead.

“You don’t feel as hot now, maybe you’re over the worst,” she said removing her hand.

“Yeah, maybe,” he agreed. “Are you…are you okay?” He asked hesitantly.

“I’m fine,” she said monotonically as she removed herself from their close proximity by standing and grabbing her purse, fishing around for her cell phone when she heard it go off signalling she had a text message.

“Are you sure? You know I’m sorry about yesterday don’t you? Did you get my messages?” He asked, knowing that there was no way she could not have gotten the three voicemails and twelve text messages he had sent her.

“Yeah,” she replied as she read what someone had sent her.

“Are we going to talk about it?” He probed becoming slightly angered at her disinterest.

“Maybe later, I need to get going if I’m going to met Lou in time,” she said shoving the phone back in her purse quickly, throwing the strap over her shoulder as she looked for her flip flops.

“You’re going out?” he asked confused.

“Yeah,” she replied, not looking at him as she found her shoes and placed her feet into them.

“Don’t you think we should talk?” He asked again swinging his legs round so they were now placed on the floor.

She sighed before turning and looking at him, “I need to speak to her about Nepal.” She sighed again and shook her head when he scoffed at her. “Don’t start Nick,” she warned.

“So we’re not even going to talk about this? You’ve just decided that you’re going? I don’t get a say?”

“No you don’t. It’s two months Nick, it’s not like it’s a year long tour,” she bit back.

“It’s my job Adie,” he told her again, rubbing his face with his hands.

“Yeah and this is my job.“

“What time will you be back?” He asked.

“Not sure.”

“Can we go to dinner? Talk there?” He offered.

“You’ve got the restaurant opening,” she reminded, “I’ll be back in time for Alex’s show,” and with that she walked turned and walked out of the door, not even saying a goodbye and when he heard the door slam he fell back against the bed, letting out a frustrated moan.

***

“What’s with you?” Brian asked as they posed for pictures outside the newly opened Gaucho Restaurant in the 02 Arena.

“Nothing,” Nick replied as he plastered on his “I’m so happy to be here” look, when in reality all he wanted to be doing was sorting things with Adie. Thinking back to their encounter this morning he realised that she had just used this as an excuse and if he hadn’t have been still half asleep he would have told he would cancel this. He hadn’t though and now he knew she was thinking that work was more important then her, just another nail in the ever looming coffin that seemed to hold their relationship.

“Yeah right,” Howie chastised as he also smiled for the photographers.

“Are we actually going to stay and eat?” Nick asked trying to change the subject, he really wasn’t in the mood for steak or for posing for pictures with fans who happened to be eating and was hoping it was like the many film premieres he had been to. Make a quick appearance, smile for the cameras walk in through the front door and then straight out the back.

“I could go for steak,” Brian shrugged.

“Yeah I’m hungry, why are you not?” Howie asked as they were ushered inside and Nick just shrugged. “Well what else are you going to do? Go and bug Alex before the show?”

“No…I was going to go back to the hotel,” he said.

“She’s not there,” Rachel said as she walked up behind the guys, Denise beside her. “I am so in the mood for steak, when I said I could eat a cow earlier… I really meant that,” she joked with Denise making her laugh.

“Who invited you?” Brian joked poking her stomach.

“Don’t take that tone with me Littrell, I’ll sit on your ass!”

“Why isn’t she there?” Nick asked tugging at Rachel’s arm to get her attention.

“Beats me,” she shrugged as they were seated, “She just text me and asked if I could bring her leather jacket with me. She’s just brooding Nick, she’ll be fine once she gets here, she’ll have just needed time to think today,” she tried to reassure but the thinking was what he was worried about.

***

“FUCK MARSHA IN THE EYE!”

She was so drunk, so, so drunk, that was the only reason she was screaming along to the song and swaying out of time, normally he wouldn’t of had a problem with it, everyone had to let go and enjoy themselves occasionally but tonight…she was starting to embarrass herself.

She had turned up twenty minutes late missing some of the show and from the moment she staggered up the stairs he knew she had been drinking, she was so much more at ease with him, with everyone. He had been taken aback when she made her way over to him and announced that she wasn’t wearing panties and how long was she going to have to wait to get a drink. He knew better then to tell her he thought she had had enough and quickly grabbed her a vodka and coke, her flirtatious attitude towards the bar tender ensured that her glass was kept topped up all night. Normally it would have turned him on but given the circumstances he was just getting more and more pissed off.

She had avoided him purposely all day, ignored his calls when he wanted to know what time she would be back and now she was acting like nothing had happened. He knew that in the morning she would be back to how she was earlier with a hangover on top, it was her way of ensuring they didn’t get a chance to talk.

“WOOOOOHHHHHHH, YEAH! FUCK NICK IN THE EYE!” She yelled and he saw how she looked to him out of the corner of her eye, a smirk escaping her lips, purposely trying to get a rise out of him.

“Don’t react to it,” Leigh warned grabbing at his arm when he made a move towards her.

“She’s embarrassing herself.”

“Let her embarrass herself, here hold this a second,” she said handing him her glass as she took of her shoes, screaming in surprise when she felt the cold ice fall down the front of her top. “BASTARD!”

“Payback is a bitch Leigh,” he laughed.

“What? What payback? What did I do to you?” She asked trying to fish it out of her top.

“All the prank phone calls you and Howie gave me, all the heavy breathing,” he reminded.

“That wasn’t us,” she said smiling when she successfully retrieved the ice, “That was Rachel and Alex, they kept doing it to us too.”

“He told me it was you guys, that bastard, oh he is so going to get it now,” he smirked as he took more ice from her glass and began throwing it at his band member who was currently on stage, giggling widely when he actually hit him. The jesting carried on for a good half an hour until Nick’s fingers started feeling numb and when he spotted Adie flirting with the bar tender, leaning over the bar giving him a nice view of her cleavage.

“I think you’ve had enough to drink,” he told her as calmly as he could after he made his way over to her.

“I think…..you’re WRONG!” she slurred, almost tripping over her own feet as she made her way back to the edge of the balcony. He sighed heavily taking another long swig of his own beer before making his way back towards the crowd. She was becoming louder and more rambunctious by the minute and a few people towards the back actually kept turning to tell her to shut up.

“Can you tone it down a bit?” Nick asked her.

“I’m having a good time!” She exclaimed necking the rest of her drink.

“Yeah but people have come here to see Alex sing not you. You’re distracting.”

“And your not?! You…throwing ice at him,” she hiccupped pointing an accusing finger. “I’m just showing a bit of suppor…singing along…like karry…karry…where you sing along!” She told him as she placed her empty glass onto the table behind them. “Distracting would be doing this!”

He couldn’t believe his eyes, he really and truly couldn’t and he wasn’t the only one, Rachel’s mouth not the only one gapping open in shock and surprise. He could hear Alex’s chuckle reverberate around the room when he obviously caught sight of what was going on but Nick cut her short but quickly yanking her top down and grabbing her arm pulling her towards the nearest exit.

“You’re hurting me!” She whined when they were outside but he didn’t answer just kept on pulling her along. “Nick let go of me!” She yelled, yanking her arm free from his grip. “What the hell is wrong with you? That’s gona bruise,” she said rubbing her arm.

“What the hell is wrong with me?! What the fuck was that?” He asked angrily his face red.

“They’re called boobs, you of all people should know what they are, you’ve seen enough!” She said. He didn’t reply just grabbed for her hand and began marching her towards the exit of the arena where he knew there would be taxi’s. “Where are we going?” She asked trying to free herself of his hand but he kept a tighter grip.

“Back to the hotel and you are going to bed to sleep this off.”

“No I’m not.”

“YES you are,” he told her as they reached the taxi’s.

“NO! I’m not, you’re not my father you can’t boss me around, you might be king of the pop world but you’re not king of my world!” She told him swaying slightly.

“Yeah don’t I know that. Look at you, you can barely stand,” he told her throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“So?” she shrugged.

He shook his head in disgust before telling her to “get in the car.”

“No.”

“Get in the car Adie!”

“I’m not going anywhere with you.”

“You know what? Fine don’t but you’re not going back in there, so you either stay here or come back to the hotel.”

“I’m not going back to the hotel.”

“Then where are you going to go?” He challenged and instantly he realised he had made a mistake.

“I should have stayed out with Lou tonight when she asked,” she hiccupped swiping the tear that fell away.

“Then go,” he said out stretching his arm, pointing to the cab. “GO! Cause right now I can’t stand to be around you!”

He watched as she stared him down for a few seconds before turning, very unsteadily and clambering into the nearest cab only when it was out of sight did he let out a frustrated yell, kicking the nearest lamp post in agitation.

“Women problems?” A random guy asked.

“How’d do you guess?” Nick asked sarcastically.

“Smoke?” He asked offering the pack to Nick. He had quit for two years but if he ever needed one, no craved one, it was now and he gladly accepted with a smile of thanks, lighting up and closing his eyes as he took the first drag.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. So are you going to follow her?” He asked.

“I have no idea where she’s gone,” he shrugged.

“Won’t her phone be in her bag?” he asked pointing to the small clutch that Nick had thought to pick up when they left the club. “Couldn’t you call the Lou person?”

Nick took another drag of the cigarette before fishing around inside the purse, finding her phone almost immediately, sending a quick text message to a person he had never met. He stood and chatted for a few minutes before he felt the phone vibrate.

He read the message and quickly flipped the phone shut, stubbing out the reminder of the cigarette, thanking the guy and getting into his own cab, only hoping that there was going to be something left to salvage when he finally caught up with Adie.

Adie looked at the clock and then back to the ceiling before she closed her eyes tightly shut and thought some more, overall though she knew what her decision was going to be, all she had to do now was find the courage to actually go through with it. She knew she had to do this and maybe it would have been easier to have moved out as soon as she got back three weeks previously but she had left it till the last possible day, in fact she was over by a day. He had been due back yesterday but unforeseen circumstances at Heathrow had delayed him, maybe it was a sign because if he had arrived home when he should have she wouldn’t have been ready to leave and she knew he would have been able to convince her to stay.

Her mind was made up though, ever since their last night together in London their fate had been decided.

She had ended up going back to the hotel with him and he got his wish about waking up next to her but she hadn’t slept at all. It was there in that hotel room that she decided, with Nick sleeping soundly next to her, that she couldn’t do it anymore, she couldn’t live that life. Maybe that was why their parting the following day had been more emotional then ever before.

He had seen her to the airport, walked her as far as he could go and she had clung to him when he pulled her in to hold her, sobbing into his chest.

“It’s three weeks, we’ve done longer then this babe,” he had tried to soothe, rubbing her back in a circular motion. To him her emotions were just due to the fight they had, to the thought of being separated again, he didn’t realise she was getting so upset because she knew this would be the last time she would see him like this. The next time she would crush his world, crush their world.

Was it wrong that her last words to him were, “I love you”?

She braced herself as she looked at the clock, he would be leaving shortly, she had just received the message from her sister they were all at Heathrow airport waiting to board. That meant he would still have to get a connecting flight from Florida, it also meant that she would have been gone for at least twenty four hours when he arrived home to find the house empty. She swallowed down the lump in her throat and sat down on the edge of their luxurious queen sized bed, letting herself sink into the comfy mattress, she wondered if this was the right thing to do. If it was then why was she having such a difficult time with her conscious?

He loved her, she knew that, he loved her like no one else ever had, had provided for her in a way that no one else ever could. But it was all materialistic, the one thing she wanted, his whole heart, the true him, Nick carter and not Nick Backstreet, well he wasn’t willing to give her that. She wasn’t sure if he would ever be willing to give her that and she wasn’t prepared to wait. Was that selfish of her? Would her decision make him retreat even further into himself? She knew it wouldn’t help his self confidence, it would just be another person abandoning him, another reason for him to put up yet another wall around his already trapped heart.

She found herself second guessing her decision and she actually unzipped the suitcase before her brain overruled her heart. No she had stayed longer than she should have, put up with stuff longer than she should have and if she didn’t leave now she knew she would later on. That would only make it harder she had to leave now, she couldn’t waste anymore of her life on waiting around for him and so she had to do it while he wasn’t there. She re-zipped the suitcase and pulled it up off the bed and grabbing her overstuffed holdall she slowly made her way towards the hallway.

She placed the heavy bags at the door along with the rest of the boxes of her stuff before making her way into the kitchen, she showed Layla some attention, actually sat on the floor with the pooch for a good forty minutes, crying into the dogs neck as she held her close. Yet she managed to pry herself up, leave the note that had taken six attempts to write on the counter and half an hour later her beetle was jam packed with all of her stuff.

But even when she made her way towards the large oak front door for the last time she was still having doubts. Sure things had been brewing for a while, sure they hadn’t really been connecting like they had, sure she had tried to speak to him about it but was that any reason to leave like this? To let him come home to find the house empty, could she be that callous? Could she really do that to him?

Then again she had always been taught never to settle, why take second best when you deserved the best? It was something her mother had told her long ago, she herself had settled, married someone who, although could provide for her, she did not love with all her heart. That marriage had broken down quickly but maybe there had been a reason for it, after all if her mother had stayed in that marriage she would never have been born. Then again didn’t she love Nick? If she didn’t would she really be having such a huge internal battle with her heart and her head? Then it clicked, she did love him, maybe too much and the reason she hurt was because he did not feel the same way about her. He thought he did but after everything, all of the years they had spent together he still didn’t trust her enough to open his heart.

That filled her with a bit more confidence in her decision. Although she loved him dearly she was not happy with her life, with the life that they shared and she did not want to have any regrets. This was all for the best. Yes it was going to hurt like hell but he would get over it, he always had in the past.

And with a heavy heart and even heavier suitcases she pulled the door open and forced herself to go through, hastily walking towards the car.

And even though she wanted to, she didn’t look back. Not once.

***

It had been a long trip home, taken almost three days in fact thanks to all the delays he had incurred. He looked at his watch trying to calculate the actual time he had left Cape Town the first leg of his journey home, some forty hours ago. That leg of the trip had been fine, Cape Town to London no delays, no problems. Heathrow was where they hit their first snag.

The Terrorist alert had been raised, a threat had been placed that had basically shut down the entire airport and no matter how hard they tried there was no way they were going to get home by the time they had planned. Leaving almost nine hours behind schedule had also made him miss his connecting flight from Florida to Nashville and he had ended up crashing at Alex and Rachel’s. He was exhausted, the jet lag from this trip was an absolute killer, add that to the fact that this tour had been pretty much relentless and he had only just managed to beat his cold, well all he wanted was to climb into his own bed.

When the car finally rounded the corner and he spotted his house for the first time in almost four months he smiled and small sigh of relief escaping his lips. When the car pulled to a stop he graciously paid the fare and hauled his bags to the front door, he knew that she was unlikely to be home, after all she had told him that she had work so when he walked into the empty house he was unsurprised. He dumped all his luggage in the hallway, knowing that another hour was not going to hurt and slowly made his way to the kitchen, it was then he knew something was just not right.

Three puddles of fluid were dotted around the floor and Layla remained in her basket, usually she would have been all over him but she knew she had done wrong and choose to ignore him. It was unlike her, she had been well trained for years now, very rarely having accidents and when she did it was usually because she had been left for too long. He looked at the clock on the wall it was only nine thirty in the morning so she would have only left for work three hours ago, Layla was used to being left a lot longer than that.

“Hey girl,” He spoke softly as he bent down to pet the pit bull. “What happened huh? She running late this morning and didn’t let you out?” he asked rubbing the dog roughly behind the ears just how she liked it. The dog whined and got up from her basket making her way over to the back door and he followed opening it so he could let her out.

He busied himself with cleaning up after Layla and when he was finished that was when he found her letter. He glanced at it quickly thinking it would just tell him when to expect her home, what he didn’t expect was for it to tear his whole life down in just a few simple words.

He re read the letter in his hand about five times, his knuckles turning white and the paper crumpling at the edge where he gripped it so firmly. It couldn’t be real, it had to be some kind of joke, she wouldn’t leave like that not so suddenly when they hadn’t even had a chance to work on their problems. Adrianna Jones was not a quitter. It was a joke that’s all it was, not a very funny joke, but a joke none the less, he should have expected it really, after all the jokes he had played on her, she was just getting payback.

If it was just a joke then why was his hand shaking? Why was his heartbeat ringing in his ears? Why was he running up the stairs to check her stuff was still in their room? Why did he find himself punching the wall when her side of the closet was bare?

He stared absently minded into the half empty space, nursing his now sore hand for at least ten minutes before his new reality sunk in. She had left him, walked out on him when he had been halfway around the world, let him come home to an empty house. Her only explanation in some crappy short note that explained nothing. He knew they had been having problems, he knew she hadn’t been herself, that she hadn’t been completely happy, but he had never, ever, not ever in his wildest dreams, expected her to do something like this. It was totally out of character, she never gave up, she always worked until she got what she wanted.

She has been though, he came to realise the more he thought about it. She had been telling him what she wanted for a long time, had waited on him for a long time and he had ignored her. The timing still didn’t make sense though, he had slightly opened up to her, asked her to go to therapy with him, they hadn’t even tried to work this out, so what the hell was she playing at?

He blinked for the first time in what seemed like ages, once again focusing on the emptiness of the closet before turning on his heels quickly and making a b line for the door, racing down the stairs making sure to grab his keys as he headed towards his car parked in the drive. There was one of two places she would be, work or Chelle’s, he didn’t care where it was, he was going to have this out with her.

***

She had received the call from work not ten minutes ago. He was finally home, had obviously read her note and now he was looking for her. Mandy, the desk clerk, assured Adie that she did not tell Nick her whereabouts but Adie knew this would be the next obvious choice for him and so she mentally braced herself. She would not cave, she would not let his him worm his way back in like she had almost two and half years ago. She would stand firm, she would end the conversation quickly, then and only then would she shed her tears into what she hoped would be a never ending supply of ice cream.

She didn’t expect it to take long, the hospital was only a few miles away and he took longer than she thought he would, but eventually she heard what she knew was his car pull to a stop and she took in a deep breath as she felt her heart rate increase. She jumped slightly when she heard the car door slam and then the harsh rattle of the door as he knocked at it. This would be the ultimate test, she had to stand firm, she had to be strong.

She would not cave.

“Is she here?” She heard him ask her friend calmly as she listened from the top of the stairs. Michelle must have nodded if his next question was anything to go by. “Can I see her?” He asked.

“I uh…I don’t know Nick,” was her hesitant answer. Adie sighed heavily, she should not be putting her best friend in that position, at some point she had to face him and the sooner it was the easier it would be.

“It’s okay Chelle,” she said as she made her way down the stairs and towards the front door. “Hey,” she said to him finding it difficult to meet his questioning and hurt gaze as Chelle made her way back in to the house to give them privacy.

“What’s going on Adie?” He asked softly. She had expected him to be angry, to demand answers, to hate her for how she had left. She hadn’t expected him to be so calm and collected.

“I can’t do this anymore Nick,” she whispered, wanting to cry when she saw him frown in confusion.

“Do what?” He asked but she knew that he understood. She knew by the way his eyes grew darker, how he almost seemed to sink in defeat, she knew because of how his voice almost broke.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered pulling the ring from her finger before she handed it to him.

She tried to close the door as he stared at the ring, his promise that she had handed back to him, that was currently sitting in the palm of his hand, but he realised and quickly blocked the shortening gap with his foot, his anger now bubbling to the surface.

“Don’t you dare try and shut me out without an explanation!” He angrily said, his voice now harsh and she knew the only way she was going to get through this, the only way she would not cave would be to turn this into an argument.

“Shut you out? I’m not allowed to do it to you but it’s okay for you to do it for three years?”

“I’m trying. Doesn’t seem like you care though or understand,” he said placing his hand against the door as well.

“Understand?!” She scoffed.

“You have no idea what my life has been like, you grew up here, in a suburb in Nashville, with two parents who never fought, you went to normal schools had normal friends. You’ve not been constantly scrutinised, not had your family ripped apart,” he said his breath coming out ragged and she thought, for the first time in their relationship, that she was actually going to see him cry but he managed to pull it together with a shaky sigh.

“Yeah I don’t understand because you’ve never told me. I don’t know you Nick.”

“Yes you do,” he said with a shake of his head.

“No. I really don’t. I’ve wanted to, I’ve tried to get you to open up and you slam the door in my face and do you know how much that hurts?” She asked as he looked at her confused. “You don’t trust me enough to let me in.”

“You’re wrong,” he said defiantly. “I trust you with my life. You’re…don’t do this, please don’t do this. Come home and we can work on this, we can work on being open with each other. You are the only thing that makes sense in my life, without you…I need you in my life.”

“Why? Why do you need me in your life? To give it meaning? To define who you are? You don’t want me for the right reasons and I’ve realised that, do you even know who you are?” She asked feeling terrible when he averted his eyes from hers, his discomfort with this whole conversation clearly evident in his body language.

“I…” he hesitated with a sigh, “I…I love you, that much I know, I’m a better person when I’m around you.”

“You might be a better person around me Nick but you…I’ve lost sight of who I am, three years ago I would never of settled for as long as I have. I have goals and dreams too but they’ve just been put on the back burner and I can’t do that anymore,” she said shaking her head, closing her eyes as she willed the tears not to fall.

“So that’s it? You just want to throw three years away? You’re not even willing to work on this?” He asked his anger returning if his flushed face was anything to go by, his eyes once again a dangerous shade of dark blue.

“I’ve not been happy for a long time Nick. I’m so sorry.”

And this time he let her shut the door.

Song Credits:

The Script - Talk you down

Duffy - Warwick Avenue

Snow Patrol - Shut your eyes.

It had been five days since he had seen her last, since he had come home to find it empty, since she had given him back his promise. He sat at the island in the kitchen and twirled the piece of expensive metal in his fingers, eyeing the message inscribed on the inside of the band, A Ma Vie De Coer Entier, My whole heart for my whole life. He chuckled to himself, how wrong he had been, he had given her something important and she had thrown it back in his face and yet again here he was alone. Yet again he had failed, his life had crumbled around him and he had nothing left to do but pick him self up, dust himself off and carry on like he was okay. He had gotten pretty good at that over the years so why was it so different this time? Why did it seem to hurt so much more then it ever had before? Why hadn’t he slept for more then a few hours over the past few days?

He knew the answer to each and every question. It was because of Adie, he had never loved anyone like he had her. He thought she had been the one but obviously he had been mistaken, if she loved him for him then why did she leave? Why wasn’t she more understanding about his past and his issues? Why did she constantly pressure him to open up? He sighed as he dropped the band on the side with a small clink, she wasn’t the only one to blame here, he knew he had been in the wrong. If he loved her why didn’t he trust her enough to open up? Why couldn’t he get passed all his issues? Why, yet again, had he let his past ruin his future?

He didn’t get much time to contemplate his questions because the doorbell ripped through the haunting quietness of the house, making Layla’s ears perk up and tail wag in anticipation and if Nick had been a dog he knew he would look like she did. What if it was Adie? Had she realised what a mistake she had made? Maybe she was at the door now, her stuff in boxes, ready to ask him to take her back, to tell him that she wanted to work on things if he could find it in his heart to take her back. He would, he knew he would in a heartbeat and that was why he felt his chest ache when he opened the door and was greeted with her sister instead.

Rachel said nothing, just wrapped her arms around his waist and pulled him as close as she could, her rounded belly making it slightly more difficult then usual. He wrapped his arms around her and stared off over the drive in a vain hope of seeing Adie not to far behind but all he saw was Alex pulling out a suitcase from the trunk of the rental car.

“You okay?” She asked softly shaking her head at herself for asking such a stupid question. “I don’t know why I asked that, that was stupid of course you’re not okay.”

He smiled at her before saying, “It’s okay. What are you doing here?”

“We’ve come here to kick Adie’s ass.”

“Rach-” Alex said in a warning tone as he neared the door.

“What? Nick…She had no right to do what she did,” Rachel told her husband raising her eyebrows to him before turning back to Nick. “We’re here to help you guys sort this mess out.”

He smiled as she walked into the house, he even managed to keep that fake smile plastered to his face when he came face to face with Alex.

“You can drop the lame ass fake smile and happy exterior, that’s what got you into this mess,” he said as he dropped the suitcase at his feet before pulling Nick into a bear hug. “For the record I did try and come by myself but I have learned you never ague with a pregnant lady.”

“Thanks,” Nick whispered finally letting go.

“Anytime. Come on lets go and work this out.”

***

She could put up with the verbal abuse, with kids lashing out at her, with angry parents. Being puked on, peed on, and bleed on didn’t bother her in the slightest, if you were a nurse it was expected. The one thing she couldn’t stand was catching something off of one of her patients, especially if it meant hurling your guts up which was what she seemed to be doing.

Once she stopped emptying the entire contents of her stomach in the toilet she leant back against the side of the bath and closed her eyes in exhaustion, she didn’t think that she had ever felt this tired. She just felt completely drained all the time but it was no wonder really, she was sick, she had been working her ass of to get some more money together so she could buy her own place, and she had…she had just broken up with the man she loved. Was it wrong that she was upset that he had made no effort to talk to her in five days? She had not seen nor heard from him since she shut the door in his face, since they day she handed back the ring and had broken his heart. She had wanted it, so why was she so sad that he hadn’t tried to fight for her that little bit harder?

Then again why should he? She had made it perfectly clear, it was over, she hadn’t been happy and had wanted a clean break and he had respected her wishes. She hadn’t expected him to do that, she had been ready for him to hound her, to keep on calling, to keep showing up, she hadn’t been ready to not see or hear from him.

She heard the door slam shut and even managed to push herself up from the floor but the movement must have been too quick for her stomach and she found herself bowing down to the porcelain bowl again, dry heaving.

“Oh Sweetie, still feeling like crap?” Chelle asked as she quickly placed her bag on the floor and grabbed a wash cloth, which she then ran under the cold tap before handing to Adie.

“I don’t think I have anything left in me to barf up now,” she whined feeling sorry for herself as she placed the cool cloth on her forehead and rested back against the bath.

“It’s been four days now, are you sure it’s just that bug? You sure you’ve not got a case of food poisoning or something?” Chelle asked as she offered Adie her hand and helped her up of the floor before guiding her back to her room.

“I don’t know, maybe, I mean you have been cooking for me,” she joked.

“Bitch! You know I could have just left you in the bathroom on the floor,” Chelle teased back as she threw a pillow at her best friend who was now snuggled under her duvet.

“I know I know, I owe you. How was work? Are they busy? I’m hoping I can go in and at least do the afternoon,” Adie said.

“I don’t think so. Chris is not going to want you infecting all the patients and the rest of the staff, you need to learn to look after yourself and get better before you start thinking of others you know. So…” she said sitting down on the edge of the bed and Adie knew this was going to be the conversation she had been dreading.

“So what?” Adie replied looking at her nails.

“You’ve been here for almost a week now and apart from Tuesday when Nick turned up…I hate being out of the loop Aid you now that.”

“It’s over,” she shrugged trying to play down how much she was actually hurting.

“It’s over? Just like that?” Chelle asked completely unconvinced when Adie tried to nod her head in affirmation. “But…it’s over?” She asked again.

“Yes,” she whispered looking away from Chelle, she could almost feel the bile travelling back up as she admitted that. To say it to Nick was one thing but to admit it to someone else, to talk to someone else about it was a whole different matter, it seemed to make it more real, more final and maybe that was the reason why she hadn’t told her parents or her sister, that and because she knew they would all be against her decision. Even Chelle had questioned her about it when she had called to see if she could stay so did that mean that it was the wrong decision? Surely she should not be getting as upset as she was if it was the right thing to do?

“You don’t sound so sure,” Chelle said softly as she brushed a stray piece of hair out of her best friends face. “You still love him.

“Yeah I do but he…he doesn’t love me,” she said sniffing back the few tears that threatened to fall.

“Yes he does,” Chelle told her taking one of her hands in hers.

Adie shook her head in disagreement, “No not like I deserve, he doesn’t trust me.”

“He has his issues,” Chelle tried to defend.

“I’m sick of hearing that…everyone has issues and I understand people have really hurt him in the past but that doesn’t mean I’m going to. I’ve been hurt in the past and I would never ever think of doing it to someone else intentionally, you know I trusted him enough to wait for him to open up, I trusted him enough to take him back, but he still won’t…he won’t…”

“Won’t what?” Chelle coaxed.

“Trust me enough to let me look after him, to let me see his weak side, to be venerable around me,” she said.

“Some people just can’t do that though hon, they are so used to being the strong one or they’re used to having to hide their emotions that it’s difficult for them. You said…” Chelle hesitated before carrying on, “You said that you wouldn’t ever set out to intentionally hurt him but that’s what you’re doing thoug-”

“I knew I would be the bad guy, I knew people would see it that way,” Adie angrily spat back.

“Hold up, I’m not saying you are the bad guy at all. I’m just saying that you want him to open up but by doing this, you’ve done what everyone else has in the past and you’re just proving to him again that…he’s going to build more walls because of this you know,” she pointed out.

“Look it’s over, can we talk about something else?” Adie asked turning her face away from her friends.

Chelle was quiet for a moment before conceding to her best friends wishes, “Okay, you up for eating anything?” She asked as she got up off the bed.

“I could go for some cheetos.”

“Cheetos? You hate cheetos with a passion. What’s with you lately? Tomato soup yesterday, cheetos today it’s all the stuff you hate,” Chelle questionably joked.

“Just fancy it I guess,” Adie shrugged.

Chelle shook her head with a laugh, “If I didn’t know any better I’d say you were pregnant.”

***

She stared at the calendar in front of her, the sinking realisation hitting her hard as she flung the wad of paper to the floor and placed her head in her hands. How the hell did she miss it? All the signs had been there. The sickness, her rollercoaster of emotions, her sore breasts, the tiredness, she had put it all down to other things though. Blamed the start of the sickness on the food she had eaten in England, and when it continued on a bug she must have caught from someone. The tiredness in the beginning was from being jet lagged, and now from not sleeping properly since she had left, bursting into tears at the drop of a hat was obviously because she was still cut up about leaving, about the wasted three years of her life and the sore breasts were merely sore because she was due on her period.

A period she hadn’t had since March.

She wiped at the tears that were falling angrily and tried to pull herself together but it was futile really. All this time she had been wanting to fall pregnant, to have a family with him and now? She had wound up pregnant at the worst possible time, her life was in shambles, and she found herself ironically wishing that she wasn’t carrying Nicks child.

Then again, maybe she wasn’t. Maybe this was just a complete false alarm and all of her other symptoms could be explained. This had happened before anyway, when she had been sitting her nursing finals she got so stressed out, she stopped eating properly, had hardly any sleep and her periods stopped because of all the stress she had been putting herself through. Adie couldn’t deny that the stress was definitely back again, it had been for a while, it had taken her so long to come to the agonising decision she had made. “That’s all it is,” she tried to convince herself.

She would go to the store, buy a test and it would come out negative and that would put an end to it.

***

Nick stared at the pictures flashing slowly before him on the laptop, trying to work out when and where things had gone so horribly wrong. In every picture he had viewed they seemed happy, content and most of all in love, so when had that all stopped? When had she fallen out of love with him? Why had she fallen out of love with him? He just couldn’t understand it.

The slide show came to an end and he double clicked on another file that contained pictures of them from the first year that they were together, they had been so happy, their relationship so fresh and new, so full of fun and he just wanted to get back to that, to be like they had been then. He knew that would never happen though, even if they did get back together, which he was sure wasn’t going to happen, things were so different now, they were older, their relationship had progressed, they both wanted different things and neither were willing to compromise.

He managed a small smile when a certain picture flashed onto the screen, quickly hitting the pause button on the slideshow. It was the first time she had met his brother and sisters, a totally unplanned situation, full of emotion, tension and upset but they had all taken to her instantly, even Angel which was so rare and that was when he knew that she was the one. When he thought back to that time in his life he realised how much he hadn’t really changed, he thought he had but he was still just as insecure, still unwilling to trust when, after what she had done for him over those few days, proved he would be able to trust her with anything.

He closed his eyes and sighed, she had been so great during that whole experience, managing to put Aaron, who had been absolutely petrified, at complete ease within ten minutes of being there. She explained everything to him, what they could do, what they were probably going to do, what the worst case scenario would be but how that wouldn’t happen to him. She spoke to the doctors, made sure they everything had been done properly, made Nick sleep when she found him up at three am. She had been like his rock and in essence everyone else’s because they all looked to Nick and when she was with him, he could rely on her and in turn the others could rely on him to be strong for them. He opened his eyes again and looked at the same picture still on the screen.

The picture itself was of her and Aaron, Nick’s head sticking out of the sand because they had buried him in the sand, Aaron’s revenge for Nick insisting he couldn’t surf after his accident, Adie the person who had come up with the plan for Aaron’s revenge. It had been such a great holiday after that, well apart from Aaron acting like a brat when they had gone out to dinner but even then she had been able to play mediator and that was when she had won Angel’s respect. Anyone who could break up a Carter argument with a cool head and not shout back when someone was screaming at them was someone that Nick needed to keep around was what she had said.

“What are you doing?” He heard Alex’s gruff voice ask from behind him and he quickly closed the lid of the laptop as if he had been caught looking at something he shouldn’t have been.

“Just working on some tracks,” he shrugged as he swivelled round in the chair.

“Stop lying you ass. You’ve been in here for two hours and I have yet to hear any kind of sound come out of here. So what are you doing?” He asked as he leant against the desk placing a sandwich down for Nick.

“I’m not hungry.”

“You’re going to eat it. I slaved over that sandwich,” Alex told him looking over the top of the sunglasses he was wearing.

Nick picked up the limp looking piece of bread and scrunched up his nose before looking back to his friend, “It’s peanut butter Jay.”

“And?”

“You hardly slaved over it,” he said as he took a bite just to placate Alex.

“I beg to differ. I had to get the bread, walk all the way to the fridge to get the butter, then walk all the way back to the cupboard to get the jar of peanut butter, find a knife and then a plate, there was a lot of walking involved,” he informed making Nick shake his head and smile as he chewed.

“Where’s my drink?” Nick asked between mouthfuls.

“Do I look like your girlfriend,” he replied before thinking immediately apologising after. “Sorry dude…I didn’t mean….sorry.”

“It’s okay,” he mumbled.

“So…have you seen her, spoken to her since you got back?” He asked and Nick inwardly sighed. He didn’t want to go through this, he didn’t want to relive it again, he had been doing that enough for the past few days, speaking to someone else just made it that more real. She had left him and she wasn’t coming back.

“Yeah I went round to Chelle’s but… she gave me back the ring…she said that she feels like she doesn’t know the real me, that I don’t even know the real me and you know what? The more I think about it the more I think she’s right,” he admitted.

“How so?” Alex asked.

“I just…I used to be so sure of myself about what I wanted, what was important but now…everything she wants scares the crap out of me. I mean am I always going to be like this?” he asked fiddling with the pen that was on the desk and he reclined some more in his chair, avoiding eye contact.

“Like what?” Alex probed.

“An fucking insecure mess who won’t let people in. I know I do it, I know she’s right, Jesus even Angel called me on it and I ignored her. You know she actually asked me how long it would be till I managed to sabotage this relationship, guess I should ring her and tell her huh?” he said trying to make a small joke but Alex didn’t laugh.

“Look you’ve just told me where you’re going wrong, you know where you are going wrong so do something to fix it.”

“What if I can’t?” He whispered.

“There’s always a way Nick. It might not be an easy way and it might hurt like hell to open up to her and tell her about stuff that you’ve kept buried but you need to do it and you don’t need to do it for her you need to do it for you. If you keep all this stuff buried inside it’s going to eat you alive and you are going to end up a lonely old man and I don’t want you living in the apartment above mine and Rachel’s garage,” he joked ruffling Nick’s hair, even managing to make him laugh.

“I could be crazy man Carter who collects dung beetles or something,” he joked back.

“Yeah you definitely wouldn’t be living with us if that was what you were collecting. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me about stuff, maybe it’s better you if do it in therapy and have more structure, but I am here if you ever want to talk about anything. And I think I can safely say that goes for Rachel and any of the other guys as well,” he told him seriously squeezing his shoulder.

“I know that. Kev called,” he told Alex.

“Really?” He replied trying to act innocent.

“He told me you told him.”

“Busted. What can I say? He’s old man Kev who usually gives good advice but if you tell him I said that I will have to kill you.”

“Thanks Jay, where’s Rach?” He asked noticing her absence.

“She went out. Said that she was going to visit her folks but she was so lying through her teeth because I wasn’t allowed to go.”

“So she’s gone to see Adie then?” Nick asked already knowing the answer before Alex nodded and Nick chuckled as he said, “Poor Adie.”

***

She sucked in a breath when she saw the unmistakable tattoo on the, rather puffy, foot that could only belong to her sister. The foot had a flip flop attached to it and the other leg was resting next to it as Rachel sat on the porch step, Adie couldn’t see the rest of her though as she was obscured by a bush, but maybe that was a good thing, if she couldn’t see Rachel and Rachel couldn’t see her and she would be able to leave and come back later. So she quickly and quietly turned on her heel and began to walk away but stopped abruptly when she heard her sisters voice from behind.

“Don’t be a fucking coward again!”

Adie took in a deep breath and turned coming face to face with her sister. She obviously knew, that was the only reason she could possibly have for being in Nashville a week and half earlier then expected.

“Hi,” Adie smiled.

“Don’t smile at me. I can’t believe you,” she said crossing her arms over her large bump as she shook her head.

“Don’t get involved in something you know nothing about Rach.”

“I know nothing about? Yeah I know nothing about because you knew that I would be against what you did. How…why would you do that to someone? How could you do that to him, a fucking note. He gets home and finds your stuff gone and a note? What are you in the fifth grade or something?” She asked as she stepped closer to Adie, almost invading her personal space.

Adie made sure to keep a tight grip in the bag in her hand, she knew if Rachel found out about it’s contents Nick would be round in a matter of minutes demanding to know if she was pregnant. He’d probably accuse her of planning it again, say that he had been right in London and that she had been lying to him and right now she couldn’t deal with that. God she couldn’t deal with Rachel right now, not when she had so many other thoughts rushing through her mind and with Rachel being pregnant… what that be what she would look like if she was? Would she get the swollen ankles? Would she look as hot and un-comfy as her sister did right now?

“Look I don’t want to get into this now,” She tried.

“Tough. Nick didn’t want to walk in on a empty home and some crappy note but you didn’t give him that choice did you?” She retaliated.

“You’re going to raise your blood pressure, it’s not good for the baby.”

Rachel shook her head, “I’m fine but you seriously need your head checked Adrianna.”

“Don’t call me that, don’t try and act like Mom or Dad and scold me like some small child. This is my life, it was my decision and if you want to choose to be on Nick’s side over this then that’s fine he can have you, all I want is a clean break,” she said as she walked towards the door.

“A clean break?” Rachel seemed to laugh. “You’re kidding right? Your brother in law is one of his best friends, he’s one of my best friends now there is going to be no clean break. Are you going to avoid me and Alex in fear that you might see Nick?” She asked as she followed her sister who remained silent. “Well are you?”

“Look I’m sick okay? I can’t deal with this now, you should go I don’t want you to catch it,” she said as she looked pleadingly at her sister.

“Fine. I just hope you know what you’re doing and I hope you realise before it’s to late.” With that she turned and walked towards the car parked on the road and Adie sighed heavily as she watched her pull away before she looked down to the bag clasped so tightly in her hand. She took a deep breath in and released it slowly before she headed inside to find out whether it was even going to be possible to have the clean break that she wanted from Nick.

Adie found herself once again sitting on the toilet seat, eyeing the small box in her hand critically like she had for the past three days. In that box was a stick that could have the power to change her life for ever, and right now she was so confused about how she felt she didn’t know whether it would be a change for the better or for the worse.

She had always had a vision in her mind about when she would bring a child in to the world, about how she would bring a child into the world. That vision held a Mother and a Father, two people in a loving stable relationship who could provide everything for a new life, a happy family that would eventually grow, would be close like her own family was. Sure it was idealistic, maybe even naive on her part in the current day and age with one out of three children being bought up by divorced parents but it had always been the dream and after all if her parents could do it why couldn’t she? She had never, not in a million years contemplated bringing a child into the world on her own, being a single mother with a newborn baby, raising a child and being there for it for the rest of her life alone. That was what she could possibly have to do though, if the test was positive that was her reality, a single mother at twenty seven. All she had to do now was find the courage to pee on the stick.

In the three days that had passed she had prayed to be proven wrong, had wished and hoped for the familiar cramping in her lower back, but yet here she was and today she was going to make herself find out for sure, even though the evidence in favour was pretty damning. She felt sick to her stomach, a little was probably from the morning sickness, but the majority was from the anticipation of peeing on the stick. This time last year she knew she would have been over the moon if she had found herself in this predicament but now all she felt was fear and anxiety. She already knew that if she was pregnant she would have the baby, abortion wasn’t something she believed in just because it wasn’t the right time in a person’s life, other circumstances were more acceptable, but because it didn’t fit in with your plan wasn’t. She also knew there was no way she was going to be able to keep it a secret and that eventually she would have to tell Nick and that was the part that was filling her with the most dread, she had no idea how he was going to react to this news.

He had made it perfectly clear that having children wasn’t on his agenda. Would this change his mind? Would knowing that she was carrying his child, that this was real and not some hypothetical situation help him to overcome his fear of being a Father? She knew he could do it, she knew that Nick had the potential to be an amazing Dad, just watching him interact with Baylee, seeing him visit the sick kids, he just had a way with them and she had told him that on more then one occasion. He always had an excuse not to though, touring was coming up, he’d be away all the time, the same excuses as to why they shouldn’t get married but it was all lies and she couldn’t get her head around why he couldn’t just tell her the truth, why he couldn’t just open up and let her help him to work through his issues. He would probably accuse her of planning this anyway, of forgetting to take her birth control, of trying to trap him into marriage, like he had done in London. She chuckled to herself with that thought before some tears slid down her cheeks, I was already pregnant then though. Then on the other hand how could he really accuse her of that? After all she had been the one to break things off with him, she was the one who had left, if she had been trying to trap him then wouldn’t she have stayed?

She shook her head and wiped at her tears as she unwrapped the cellophane around the box, her hands shaking uncontrollably. It took a matter of seconds for her to pee but the three minutes that she had to wait felt like hours as she glanced at her watch every couple of seconds and yet when the time came she found that she couldn’t find the courage to pick up the stick that she had rested on the sink.

“Stop being such a chicken,” she said to herself as she reached out for the small white stick, but again her hand recoiled as through it were a hot poker. She took a deep breath in and released it slowly as she closed her eyes and blindly grabbed for the stick, opening her eyes after a few seconds she eyed the result and looked back at her reflection in the mirror.

***

He woke up around lunchtime like he had been doing for the past two days since Rachel and Alex had left, he just felt like he had nothing to get up early for, the late nights of laying awake thinking about her and what went wrong reeking havoc with his body clock. She was the last thing he thought about before he went to sleep and the first thing on his mind when he woke up, he had never ever felt like that with previous relationships, never had someone got under his skin that much and he knew it was because he had lost something special with her. He felt something move beside him and for a minute prayed that the past week and half had been some horrible dream but when rolled over in bed all he found was Layla where Adie should have been laying. He snuggled deep into the pillow, that still held the faint scent of her, with a sigh and lightly stroked the top of the dogs head when she moved to nuzzle his chest. looking to the bedroom door in confusion when he heard the banging that was coming from downstairs, the banging, he realised, the cause of him waking up.

He pulled himself out of his warm comfy bed, threw on a pair of sweats, and padded down the stairs calling out, “I’M COMING!” when the banging on his front door persisted. He knew that it wouldn’t be Alex or Rachel, they moved into their new house yesterday and of course Nick had once again been left on his own, not that he really minded as it left him to mope around as he pleased, meant he didn’t have to act okay, that he could even cry if he wanted to. He hadn’t yet, he hadn’t allowed himself to. That was so pathetic, like he was even hiding his emotions from himself and yet he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t take Alex’s advice and change things, he couldn’t open up, it was to buried, to locked away, to difficult. This whole experience just something to add to that locked box full of pain.

He finally made it to the door, pissed off that the person on the other side was still incessantly banging on the door, banging so hard Nick was sure any minute the hand was going to come crashing through the solid oak wood. He yanked hard causing the knocking to stop immediately and inwardly grimaced realising his mistake.

“NICKAY!!!!” Brent yelled as he wrapped his friend in a bear hug.

“Hi,” Nick replied patting his good friend on the back as he smiled over his shoulder to the other four guys who were stood behind. He seriously didn’t need this now but this trip had been planned months ago, the guys were going to come out, work in the studio on a few tracks and he was going to have a boys week while Adie worked nights, she had even offered to stay at Chelle’s so they didn’t have to worry about keeping the noise down. He should have cancelled, he was not in the right frame of mind for this right now, all he wanted to do was sit around in his sweats and mope, wait for Adie to realise what a mistake she had made.

“You didn’t forget did you?” Brent asked as he traipsed into the house letting the others follow him into the living room where he kicked back on one of the sofa’s, throwing his feet up onto the coffee table, almost kicking over the glass that had been left there from last night.

“No,” Nick lied shaking his head, moving the glass before Brent could break it. “No I’ve just had a lot going on the past few days and slept in.”

“Cool,” Brent said nodding his head. “So this looks like a nice place, where’s Adie?” He asked looking around.

“She uh…We’re not together anymore,” he said quietly falling into the couch beside his friend with a sigh.

“Oh man…then again there is the bright side, means we can go and get totally smashed and find you a new women,” he said with a grin making Nick inwardly groan. Then he thought to himself, “Fuck it, she was the one who left me. I deserve some fun.”

***

He managed to prop himself up at the bar and if he really squinted and tried to focus on the watch on his wrist he might just be able to make out the time. One am. One am meant he had probably been drinking for eight hours now and that was probably the reason why he could barely stand but it didn’t stop him accepting the shot that Brent thrust into his hand followed by the beer a few seconds after the burning of the shot trailing down his throat subsided. He smiled a thanks to Brent, who was probably looking as wasted as he was before he started nodding his head to the tune currently playing, mentally berating himself when all he could think was how much Adie liked the song.

God why couldn’t he get her out of his head for at least five minutes? He thought that coming out to night would make him see what he had been missing while they had been together, would make him realise that he was better off without the stressors of being in a relationship, but so far all it had done was make him realise what he had lost. It had made him realise how much he had changed and grown up since he had been with her, this party scene wasn’t him anymore and he knew he couldn’t go back out there and look for someone else, he couldn’t start a new relationship knowing it would be doomed to fail, knowing it would be nowhere near as good as what he had once had, he had realised what he had lost and it felt so god damned depressing he drank more to try and escape it. So now he was on beer number god knows how many, shot number…it had to at least be double figures and he was still no happier and no number.

“Dude seriously you need to lighten up or at least smile if you are going to get any pussy tonight,” Brent yelled over the music slapping him on the back.

“I don’t want anyone else right now,” He mumbled leaning his head against the bar as he slumped forward almost vomiting when Brent slapped him on the back.

“Dude lighten up, so she left you? Big deal I never got what you saw in her anyway,” he said as she threw back another large swig of his beer as Nick turned his head to the side to look at him.

“What’s that suppose to mean?” He slurred angrily.

“Just that she kind of didn’t know how to have any fun, would she have seriously let you drink for as long as you have today? C’mon even you have to admit she was kind of a controlling bitch,” he laughed slapping Nick on the back.

Nick tensed with Brent’s words as he sat up slowly and said, through gritted teeth, “Take it back.”

“Why? It’s the truth? I’m sure she’s bitched about me enough she was quite obvious in showing she couldn’t stand me.”

“Just take it back,” Nick said more sternly this time.

“No,” Brent said shaking his head. “I never liked her but I put up with her because she was your girlfriend. You are so much better off without her, she had you totally pussy whipped. I mean look at how much you changed for her, but she still left you didn’t she? She’s a bitch Nick.”

He didn’t know what came over him, whether it was Brent totally disrespecting Adie, his anger at both Her and Brent, or the alcohol, hell it was probably a mixture of all three but he found himself reacting the way he always did when he got as angry as he was, by lashing out and thinking about it later. This time though he found himself wishing he had thought more about his actions when he found himself stumbling forward when his foot got caught in the bar stool because he stood up to suddenly, he didn’t get to think about it too much though because there was only blackness when his head hit the bar hard.

***

“Are you sure your okay?” Chelle asked when she found Adie staring at her reflection in the mirror when she walked out of the stall.

“Fine,” Adie replied unconvincingly as she looked at her friend.

“You know if you’re having second thoughts you could tell him that you’re sorry and that you made a mistake,” She said as she placed a hand on her friends arm reassuringly with a small smile.

Adie shook her head, “No I’m not having second thoughts. I’m just tired is all.”

“Okay, if your sure that’s all it is. You know you can talk to me about anything right?” She asked, concerned with her best friends behaviour over the past few days.

Adie smiled brightly but Chelle noticed it didn’t quite reach her eyes, “Yeah I know. I’ll be out in a bit.”

“Okay. Oh I started the fluids for that kid in four,” she reminded.

“Shit I totally forgot was his BM okay?” She asked panicked.

“A little low but nothing to worry about. You know if you’re still not feeling well maybe you should go home,” Chelle said as she held her hand on the handle of the door.

“No I’m fine, it just taking a while to get back into the swing of things is all. Thanks.”

Chelle smiled as she pulled the door open and walked through it leaving Adie alone with her thoughts. That was the third mistake she had made and she was only three hours into her shift, she just couldn’t concentrate at all, her mind was a thousand miles away and had been ever since yesterday, ever since she had looked down at the positive sign on that fucking pregnancy test, ever since she had taken another four to make sure. Each of them had been positive, each plus sign, blue lines, or the new expensive digital test wish flashed pregnant at her confirming what she had already known if she was honest with herself. She had been so thankful that Chelle had been out because she had spent most of the day sobbing, lying in bed contemplating what she was going to do, how she was going to tell people, how Nick was going to react to the news.

She felt the hot tears begin to build up yet again and sighed deeply willing herself not to cry. She had worked out that she had to be at least three ,months along if not more by now, this baby had to have been conceived around the time of her birthday, after all it made sense she was on antibiotics for her ear infection, they hadn’t used any other form of contraception and that week had been full of sex. Was it ironic that it was around that time was when she had first been considering leaving him, when the first thoughts of breaking his heart had entered her head? He had promised to always love her, to always want to be with her and she had been thinking about letting him go.

Life could be such a bitch.

Three months pregnant, god she would start to show soon if she already wasn’t, she looked at the door before she pulled up her scrub top and looked at her still flat stomach in the mirror before she placed her hand on it. Immediately she noticed how different it felt, it was a lot firmer then normal and she remembered her sister mentioning it wasn’t long after her stomach started to harden that she started to grow. She needed to tell someone about this, she needed to get it out otherwise it was going to eat her alive but in the two attempts she had made to tell Chelle she had bottled out at the last moment, to scared about what she might say, to afraid that Chelle would tell her it was a sign to get back together with Nick. What if it is though? She considered then again what if it wasn’t? Could she really bring a child up in a hostile environment? She would totally prove him right if she did that because she knew that was one of his main reasons for not wanting to get married, even though he never spoke about his parents and their divorce she knew that was the main catalyst of why Nick had become who he was.

She glanced back into the mirror one last time before she decided that, for at least tonight she would try and forget about him, about them and about the baby. It was something she just needed to do to be able to get through tonight without making a drastic mistake that could cost someone else their life. She didn’t realise that it wasn’t going to be that easy though, and that within an hour  she would be coming face to face with the man she had left two weeks ago, a man she had shut the door on.

***

“So Tammy can you tell me what you have to remember the next time you get angry?” Adie asked as she finished with the last suture in the ten years olds hand.

The girl sighed as she said, “Punch and pillow and not a mirror.”

“Good,” Adie smiled as she placed some gauze over the freshly closed wound. “You know the scales usually say bad things to me makes me want to chuck them out the window, I sometimes feel that way with the mirror too,” Adie joked making her patient laugh.

“I was mad at my brother really,” she admitted.

“Ahhh sibling rivalry, is he older?” Adie asked and Tammy nodded, “Yeah I have an older sister and we used to get into some fights, I think once I actually started throwing all of her clothes out the window, she wasn’t very happy with me then.”

“He’s just a jerk.”

Adie laughed, “Does he like video games?”

“Yeah.”

“Well the next time he’s mean, instead of taking it out on a mirror and hurting yourself, put all if his video games in different boxes, or you could hide the scrt lead, he’ll be more interested in finding it then being mean.”

“Thanks I’ll remember that,” She said as she pulled her hand off the trolley it had been resting on.

“No problem, you just have to keep that dry and come back in the next five days to have them taken out okay?” She said as she discarded her gloves and showed the girl to the door, “Your Mom said she would be waiting where you were before.”

“Thanks.”

Adie smiled warmly as she watched the ten year old walk towards the waiting area before she turned back into the small room and began to tidy up, realising that she would need to stock up as the trolley that held the equipment for suturing was near on empty. She quickly washed her hands and walked towards the bigger suture room which was mainly used for adult patients but stopped when Chelle called her name.

“What?” She asked.

“You uh…you might not want to go in there.”

“Why?” Adie asked slightly perplexed.

“Uh…Just trust me you don’t want to go in there,” Chelle tried again.

“Why is it something totally gross? Because you know I live for that stuff,” She asked her head turning quickly when she heard something crash to the floor and instinctively she made her way to where it noise had come from, opening the door quickly her breath catching when she caught site of why Chelle had warned her to not go in.

“See! I told you she was working!” He exclaimed to a quite clearly agitated Mike who stood and ripped of his gloves sending them flying into a nearby trash can before he made his way towards Adie taking hold of her arm as he walked her out of the room leaving Nick alone to shout his protests of her departure.

“What is he doing here?” She asked.

“He’s got a head lac and he is going to have one hell of a hangover in the morning,” He told her as he led her to the desk.

“He’s been drinking?” She asked.

“Yeah his friend dropped him off, slurred that he hit his head against the bar when he tried to punch him, knocked himself out.”

“Jesus,” She sighed. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine, just needs some sutures and to sleep it off,” he reassured.

“Who bought him in? Are they in chairs?” She asked.

“No they left, literally dropped him off at triage and went back to the bar or so I assume. He’s uh…he’s being kind of difficult, refusing to let me treat him, he wants-”

“He wants me to do it doesn’t he?” She finished.

“Yeah. You don’t have to, by rights you shouldn’t because he’s…” he hesitated for a moment, “ Because you know him. I can handle him.”

“It’s fine Mike I can do it, it’s just sutures,” she said as she made her way back towards the room.

“Just holler if you need anything.”

“Actually could you call my sister and ask if one of them can come down here and pick him up?” She said handing him her cell phone.

“Sure thing, Your sister’s name is Rachel right?” He asked and she nodded.

She stood outside the door for a few seconds before she took a deep breath in and pushed it open, immediately very aware of the fact that she was pregnant, she felt as though she was nine months gone with a huge bump and that it would be immediately obvious to him but her fears where soon quashed when he looked at her, his eyes focused on hers. She quickly averted her gaze from his and she busied herself with getting the equipment together that she would need, internally feeling sicker and sicker with every passing second.

“Aren’t you even going to say hello?” He rasped.

“Hi,” she mumbled still not looking to him, concentrating on putting some gloves on.

“That’s it? Hi? No sorry I left you? No sorry I shut the door in your face? Maybe Brent was right,” he mumbled and as soon as she heard that name she knew instantly it was him who had left Nick here by himself.

“I should have guessed,” She said quietly but he still heard her.

“Guessed what?”

“That he was in town,” She said as she looked at the angry, bleeding wound on his forehead, making him wince when she touched it.

“He doesn’t like you, you know. Said that you made it perfectly clear when you met him that you didn’t like him either,” He told her.

“I don’t like him,” She admitted.

“He’s my friend,” He defended.

“Yeah some friend, left you in an emergency room by yourself after you managed to knock yourself out. Friends don’t do that Nick, friends don’t use you for your connections or for your studio, or for your money,” she sternly told him. “You should get max fax to look at this, it’s a big lac, they’d be able to close it better so you’d have less scarring.”

“I want you to do it,” he told her totally disregarding what she had just said about his friend.

“Fine,” she huffed, “But I can’t guarantee you won’t have a nasty looking scar.”

“You’ll do a good job, I trust you,” He told her closing his eyes when she softly began to clean the blood. “I still trust you, you know, even after all this I still love you, “ He said softly.

“This might sting a bit but you need to hold still,” she warned him, trying to ignore what he had just said as she began to inject the local anaesthetic into his wound making him hiss in the pain it caused. “Sorry,” she apologised.

The room was quiet for a few minutes the only sound coming from outside in the busy ER and she was so glad that his eyes remained closed because she didn’t think she could bare to see the look of pain in them, the pain she had caused. She looked at his face and wanted nothing more then to lean down and place a kiss on his plump lips, to wrap her arms around him and hold him because it was those arms right there that made her feel safe and protected and warm. Too much had changed now though, it would mean going back to how they were before but this time there would be a baby in the way to complicate things and she knew he would end up resenting the situation they were in because it hadn’t been planned, because it was something that he hadn't wanted and she knew that no matter how much she needed to tell someone she couldn’t tell him now.

“I miss you. Do you miss me?” He asked opening his eyes to her, his blue eyes pleading with her to say she did.

“You need to keep your eyes closed so the tension stays right,” She lied avoiding his question.

“Do you miss me Adie?” He asked again.

“Nick…”

“It’s a simple question.”

She hesitated for a moment before answering very quietly, “Yes.”

“Then come back,” he pleaded.

“I can’t,” she told him.

“Why?” He asked sadly.

“Because nothing will change, we’ll just end up how we were before and I can’t live my life like that,” She admitted.

“But I want to change, I want to open up to you. We were supposed to be going to therapy together can’t we do that? Can’t you at least give us a shot?” He asked.

“I’m all done here,” She said dodging his question as she placed a piece of gauze across the wound and taped it in place. “You need to keep it clean and dry and come back in five days to have them out. Alex or Rachel will be here soon to pick you up.”

“Pick me up?” he questioned as he opened his eyes and sat up slowly.

“Yeah you can’t go home by yourself when you’ve hit you head,” she said as she cleaned the mess up.

“Brent is staying at ours I don’t need Alex to baby-sit me,” he said swinging his legs around and almost falling off the gurney when he lost his balance. She quickly reached out to steady him as she rolled her eyes at his last comment.

“You are not going home with Brent, I wouldn’t trust him with a gold fish. Alex will be here shortly, do not move from this room until he arrives,” she told him sternly as she made a move towards the door but he reached for her, grabbing her arm before she could make an escape.

“Stay with me?” he asked and she knew he just didn’t mean now.

Nick knew before he even opened his eyes that it wasn’t going to be a good day. His mouth felt like sandpaper, he moaned when he moved and felt his belt buckle dig into his waist and he silently chastised himself for sleeping in his clothes but the dead giveaway that he was in for a crappy day was the pounding in his head. He felt like he had done at least ten rounds with Mike Tyson and that after that his head had obviously been run over by a bus. He sighed deeply knowing that no matter how hard he tried there was no way he was going to be able to get back to sleep in the position he was in and so he mentally braced himself for the aching that was sure to ensue as and after he moved. He didn’t expect to land with a loud thud on the hardwood flooring, after falling out of his bed, Hang on? I don’t have hardwood flooring he remembered, so where the hell was he? He opened one eye and groaned loudly when he spotted the unmistakable foot of Rachel’s, her tattoo a dead giveaway of where he was.

“Alex he’s finally awake,” She yelled making Nick moan when her piercing screech made his head ache ten times worse. “Sorry was that a bit loud?” She sarcastically added before she left the room. He sighed deeply as he tried to snuggle into his own arm to try in a vain attempt to get back to sleep but as soon as he heard the approaching foot steps he knew he was going to be allowed that pleasure.

“Get up Nick,” Alex rasped.

“Don’t wanna,” he mumbled hoarsely, opening one eye casting it on his friend.

“You’ll regret it later,” Alex told him as he held out a hand and after sighing yet again Nick accepted and let Alex help him up from the floor, falling back against the couch when he was finally off the floor. He accepted the steaming cup of coffee that was handed to him, and even managed a small smile of thanks, a smile that quickly faded when he noticed a certain someone over Alex’s shoulder.

“Oh shit.”

“Nice to see you to Nick,” Kevin laughed.

“You called him?” He asked Alex who was sat in the arm chair on the opposite side of the coffee table.

He shook his head, “No he was already coming down anyway.”

“So now both of you are going to bust my ass?” He whined.

“I’m getting to old to bust your ass Nick,” Kevin told him as he sat down next to him on the couch. “We just want to talk that’s all.”

“Bout what?” He yawned trying to act aloof.

“About how you’ve slipped back into old habits,” Alex told him.

Nick looked at him for a few moments before taking a long sip of his coffee. He really did not want to get into this now all he wanted was a shower, a few pain killers and a nice comfy bed, an intervention into his life was not on that list. He didn’t need people to tell him where he went wrong and what was wrong with his current situation, he didn’t need to be shown that his life was once again in the crapper and that no matter how hard he tried, things never ended up the way he hoped. He knew all that and it was what he had been trying so hard to get away from yesterday, hadn’t really worked though, not that he could remember much, but obviously if he was here trying to sleep off one mother of a hangover it obviously had been unsuccessful.

“Don’t think you can get out of this without saying anything,” Kevin told him as he sat down on the couch beside him.

“It was one night out. Not like I’m having a Jack for breakfast,” He said defensively, glaring at Alex who just stared back at him before rubbing the back of his head when Kevin slapped it. “Jesus Kev.”

“That was-” He started.

Alex cut in though and with a small smile said, “Touché Nicky Boy but this is how I started. Drinking to try and forget never works and if you are honest with yourself that was what you were trying to do wasn’t it?”

“It was just…I wanted some fun with the guys,” He mumbled focusing on looking anywhere but the two sets of concerned eyes currently fixed on him.

“Do you remember any of last night?” Alex asked.

“Some,” He shrugged.

“Remember knocking yourself out? Ending up in the emergency room? Seeing Adie?” He questioned.

At the mere mention of her name his head snapped up as he asked, “I saw her?”

“She stitched your head back together. She was the one who called me to come and get you.”

“Stitched my head back together?” He asked confused.

“Yeah. Look…I know you’re down but going out and trying to drink your problems away is going to get you nowhere,” Alex told him.

“Jesus Christ one fucking night out that got out of hand and I’m a fucking raging alcoholic who is trying to run from my problems,” Nick exploded. “Don’t you think you guys are a little early for an intervention?” He spat as he stood up.

“Nick-” Kevin warned remaining in his seat.

“No,” Nick said shaking his head, “You don’t get a say in this anymore, you left remember you don’t get to come back here and tell me what a fuck up I am, and how to live my life, you lost that privilege when you left and you…” he said, turning quickly on his heel and pointing at Alex, “…I don’t need your help, I don’t need your advice and I don’t need you to be concerned about me.”

“Nick,” Kevin called after him as he quickly and angrily strode out of the room.

“Let him go Kev,” Alex advised as he reclined back into his seat with a pensive sigh, knowing it was going to be a lot harder then he first thought in trying to help Nick break down some of his barriers.

***

He sat outside on the railing that separated the deck from the rest of garden as he stared out at the lavish greenery in front of him, not really seeing it anyway as he was too lost in his own thoughts and anger to enjoy the warm June day for what it was. He wanted nothing more then to get out of there, to go home and just sleep, god if he could just sleep then maybe he could start to make some sense of all this, but insomnia was a bitch and even when he did manage to drift off all he could dream about was her.

All he wanted was Adie back and he had thought that seeing her last night had been a dream but it hadn’t been, it had been real. He slowly reached up and touched the small gauze patch still stuck to his forehead, what a great impression that would have made on her, he thought angrily to himself. Then again her fixing his hand up had been how they had met in the first place, if they could only get back to where they had been in the beginning, to where it had been fun and light hearted, why did relationships have to progress? Why did things have to change so drastically? Why hadn’t he been enough for her? The mere thought of all these questions made his head start to pound even more and he jumped off the railing squinting when the movement made his whole body ache.

“I’m surprised you’ve not bailed already,” he heard a familiar voice from behind and he couldn’t stop the small smirk that spread across his face as he turned round to a women who had become like a big sister to him over the years.

“And miss your fine ass Kris? Never,” He joked. Okay so he had had a huge crush on her when he was younger, she had known about it to, everyone had, it had been that damn obvious. Once he had gotten past that stage, past the embarrassment he suffered when he was in her presence, he had managed to form a very strong bond. The pair had become fast friends when Kevin had finally seen sense and realised he needed her in his life and Nick knew she was someone who he could and had turned to when things got too much for him on the road when he was younger, she had then become a person to offer him advice about girls, had been there for him throughout all of is familiarly issues. He felt more comfortable around her then anyone, and truly viewed her like an older sister, just like he viewed Kevin as his older brother, she was probably the only person he felt comfortable enough with to show his true emotions, she had seen him loose his temper, scream until his lungs gave out, pummel a wall in frustration and she had been there to hold him when he cried because he felt like his whole world was crashing down.

“So what’s going on Nicky C?” Kristin asked holding a hand to her eyes trying to shield them from the bright light of the sun behind Nick.

“You know,” He shrugged, “Same old, same old.”

He knew she wouldn’t buy it, and after all these years he didn’t know why he disrespected her by trying to shrug her off, by acting that his world falling apart was nothing, just a regular occurrence. He groaned deeply when she pulled him by the hand and sat him down on the steps of the decking, he might have been able to get away from Kevin and Alex easily but Kristin was like their secret weapon, and he knew he was going to be there until he spilled all.

“Are we going to try again?” She asked raising her eye brows, glaring at him slightly.

“Damn Kris you’ve been a Mom for eleven months and you already have the scary look down pat,” he tried to joke but she knew he was trying to stall and didn’t play to his attempt.

“Okay lets get all your attempts out of the way shall we? Mason is great, he’s saying Mama and Dada and a few other words, he’s crawling, pulling himself up and I don’t think it is going to be long before he starts walking. He’s upstairs taking a nap and you can see him later. I’m great, Kev’s great, we’re staying for a few days before we go to Kentucky for Mason’s birthday. Ann’s fine, Tim is fine and Jerry is fine, the whole family is great and yes you should call Ann and thank her for your birthday card, she won’t care that you’re only six months late in doing so. Now…you and I are going to talk about what is going on with you at the moment,” she told him sternly.

“My relationship is over, nothing that hasn’t happened before,” He shrugged trying to play it down, but his voice almost breaking gave him away.

“Why are you trying to make out that you’re okay? Why are you trying to lie to me? To everyone? Why didn’t you call me when this happened?” She asked and he could hear the hurt in her voice.

“Because it’s not a big deal,” He shrugged again, choosing to keep his eyes on his sneakers, noticing the blood stain most likely from his head on them. Kristin wasn’t having that though and before he knew it her hand had come underneath his chin and he found himself looking into her concerned hazel eyes.

“If it’s not a big deal then why won’t you look at me? If it’s not a big deal why are you crying?” She asked wiping the tear that trickled from his eyes.

“Because…because I’m strung out and hung over and over tired and I just want my bed and I don’t want some crappy intervention where you guys try and get all up in my business,” he said pushing her hand away, wiping at his own eyes.

“We’re worried about you,” She told him.

“Well stop okay? I’m a grown up now you have Mason to worry about, I can sort myself out, I don’t need you worrying about me!” He angrily told her standing up as he walked towards the house but his yelling had bought Alex, Rachel and Kevin out to investigate.

“So you are going to sort yourself out by going and getting wasted? By getting into fights and ending up in an emergency room after you knocked yourself out? By not remembering half of the things you did last night?” Kristin yelled back throwing her arms up in exasperation.

“Why is this any of your business?” He raged, turning back to face her.

“Because I care about you Nick,” She tried, her eyes softening as she made her way over to him.

“Well I don’t want you to, I don’t need you to tell me how fucked up my life is!” He yelled again.

“We’re not here to tell you that, we’re here to try and help you little man,” Kevin tried knowing instantly when Nick spun round to him with a glare, that the nickname had not been a good idea.

“Don’t fucking call me that. I’m twenty eight and this is my life and I don’t need any of you.”

“So you want us to back off?” Alex asked. “You want us to leave you to it? To not care about you? To let you get wasted to try and forget about Adie? You want us to sit back and watch you piss your life away? We can’t win with you Nick,” he told the blonde. “Whatever we try and do is always wrong. We try and offer support and advice and you don’t want it, and then when we leave you to it, when we don’t call to see how you are we’re wrong too. You’re quite clearly hurting right now and nobody could blame you for that, and I don’t like seeing my brother hurt. Now if you want me to back then I will, if that is what you really want I’ll do it but don’t ever expect me to stop caring about you.”

Nick was quiet for a moment, contemplating what Alex had just said and deep down he knew every word was true. He hated it when people tried to talk to him about how he was feeling, it meant having to open up, it meant showing them his weaker side, it meant being venerable, and to Nick being venerable meant being taken advantage of. Even though he knew the people surrounding him right now would never even dream of doing that, he still put up this barrier, this huge wall that had been built up over the years to protect himself. The problem was it was working far too well and keeping out the people that should have been let in. He also knew that if no one showed any ounce of caring or support he would also be pissed and it would just reiterate that fact that he did not matter, that no one cared, just like he had felt when he had been recording his solo album. He didn’t know what was more frustrating, people being to overbearing or people not showing the slightest bit of interest.

He tried to take in a breath to say something but when he locked eyes with Rachel, whose eyes were filled with tears, he lost all resolve and the only sound that escaped his lips was of a sob as he let the tears fall freely down his eyes, no longer caring about being venerable. Rachel was by his side in an instant, wrapping her arms around his neck and bringing his head to rest in the crook of her shoulder, rubbing his back in a circular motion to try and soothe him.

“What do you want Nick?” She asked quietly.

“The only thing I want is your sister, she’s all I want,” he sniffed.

After his breakdown in Alex and Rachel’s back yard Nick had been so exhausted that he had ended up sleeping for the rest of the afternoon in one of their spare bedrooms, only waking when Rachel told him that dinner was ready. He had wanted to say that he wasn’t hungry, he really didn’t feel like any interaction with anyone, but he knew it was just easier to give in, so he had pulled himself out of the comfy bed and headed towards the shower first in an attempt to feel a bit better. The table had been full of conversation between the other two couples but Nick had been unusually quiet, choosing to keep Mason entertained then join in with any adult chit chat. The others had chosen to ignore it, knowing that he didn’t need to be fussed on now, that had been done earlier to get up to finally admit to himself how much he was hurting and now he just needed to try and work through everything in his head. Maybe that was why, at three o’clock in the morning he was sat in wide awake in the living room, staring at TV that was muted so not to wake the rest of the household up.

His mind just seemed blank, he knew what he wanted but he just couldn’t figure out a way to get her back, she seemed pretty certain that it was over, that there was just no going back. He had started to remember snippets of their unplanned meeting the night before, the way she smelled, the pink stethoscope slung around her neck, her hands on his head, the way her voice had sounded so soft and inviting, the way in which she surprised him by admitting that she missed him. Well if she missed him why couldn’t she give them both another shot? Why couldn’t she look past their problems? Why couldn’t she realise that they could get past them? Why couldn’t she see how happy they could be?

“Can’t sleep either?” Rachel asked from the doorway, making Nick turn his head to look at her.

“I kind of slept the day away,” he told her as he moved his feet so she could sit beside him. “What’s your excuse?”

“Two tiny feet under my rib cage,” she sighed.

“Only a couple more months though,” he said.

“Yeah,” she said rubbing her hand over her large rounded belly. “How you doin?”

“I just want her back Rach. Do you know how it feels to love someone so much and then find out they don’t feel the same about you?” He asked letting Rachel grab his hand.

“Listen to me, she does love you. I don’t know why she felt the need to do what she did, but she does love you. I’ve never seen her…trust me from the way she talked about you, acted around you, she loves you Nick,” she said squeezing his hand.

“That was enough for me but it wasn’t enough for her. Maybe she was right to do what she did, because she deserves the best Rach, she deserves everything and I don’t know if I can give her that. I don’t know if I am ever going to be ready to marry her, to have kids with her, and that’s what she wants.”

“Why though? Why do you feel that you can’t?” She asked and Nick just shrugged and remained silent, not looking at her. “The whole marriage thing I kind of understand, you know it’s not for everyone at the end of the day all its is, is just a piece of paper, a ring and name change, just you because you haven’t married doesn’t mean you love her any less. The whole kids thing though I don’t get because you would make an awesome Dad Nick, you really would. Baylee adores you, I was watching at dinner when you had Mason and I want you to have that kind of relationship with my baby. You know I think right now that would be enough for Adie, she’s always wanted a family Nick.”

“That’s what scares me the most. It’s different when it’s other people’s kids, you know you can hand them back and you don’t have any responsibility towards them but when it’s yours…I just…I don’t want to screw up and have them resent me for it,” He admitted.

“Do you still love your parents Nick?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“Even after all they put you through and I know I don’t half of it but from what I’ve heard from Alex…you know it’s the same with him, he resents his Dad for walking out but he still loves him, even though he’s not in his life anymore I know he still does. He’s already told me that he’s going to be the best Dad he can be because he’s learnt his own dad’s mistake.”

“I’ve tried stuff like that though, I’ve tried being different, I’ve tried learning from other people’s mistakes. I changed so much for her, I changed my whole life style for her and it wasn’t enough,” he said referring to his weight loss, his decrease in partying and his whole outlook.

“That’s your problem right there, you were doing it for her and not yourself. If you want to change it needs to be for you.”

“What if it’s too late?”

“She loves you so it’s never going to be too late.”

***

She looked at the clock, and sighed in relief only two more hours to go until she could collapse into her nice warm cosy bed for the whole entire day and on the plus side of that was that tonight was her last night shift and she wasn’t due back for another five days. The whole five days thing was a bit of a downer when she really thought about it though, it meant five days of being on her own, of thinking about him and about how she was going to cope with the child that she was carrying. For the first few days it hadn’t seemed real, yeah she had the constant reminder because of the morning sickness but she had tried not to think about it too much, but today she had her first OBGYN appointment and she knew that as soon as that was over, as soon as this whole thing was confirmed by sonogram there would and could be no denying it. It was a miracle that she had been able to keep it secret for this long.

She knew that Chelle was becoming suspicious, that her excuses of being tired and stomach bugs were not going to cut it for much longer and she didn’t know why she hadn’t come out and told her. Chelle was her best friend and Adie knew that she wouldn’t be judgemental, she probably wouldn’t be shocked and she knew it would probably lift the huge weight that seemed to be currently crushing her but she just couldn’t seem to get the words out. She felt like she needed to tell Nick, that because it was his child she was carrying he had the right to be the first one to know but she just didn’t know how to tell him that in seven months he was going to be a Father. It was so difficult though because the only times she had seen him had ended unpleasantly and had played on her mind for days, she had found herself second guessing what she had done but she was well aware that this whole pregnancy really complicated the situation she was in now. He hadn’t wanted to be a Father, that had been their whole problem, now he was going to be one whether he liked the idea or not, and even if they were still together it wasn’t going to be an easy conversation. She needed to time it right, but the longer she left it the harder it would be to tell him and the likelihood was that he would either guess or find out via someone else anyway.

She could feel the bile start to ebb it’s way up from her stomach, and quickly called Chelle to take over plastering the child’s leg for her before she made her way towards the bathrooms. She couldn’t wait for this part to be over, the sickness was really starting to take it’s toll of her, making her feel even more exhausted, as if the lack of sleep worrying about her future wasn’t enough. Once she finished emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet she flushed it away, and walked out of the stall, inwardly sighing to herself when Chelle was resting against the sinks.

“You should go home,” She said as Adie rinsed her mouth out.

“I’m fine it’s just a couple more hours,” Adie replied as she looked at her pale complexion in the mirror, noticing the huge bags under her eyes.

“I can get you some ondansatron if you want,” She offered but Adie shook her head as she didn’t know whether the anti sickness drug could harm the child she was carrying. “I don’t think anyone is going to mind if it’s going to make you feel better,” Chelle said and that was when Adie knew her friend was beginning to connect the dots, she had to get out of here and fast.

“No I’m fine, really, I feel better now it’s all up,” she said as she wiped her hands on the paper towel.

“Well if your infectious you shouldn’t be here,” She pointed out.

“I think it’s stress related, I mean you don’t have it do you?” Adie said.

“Yeah that’s right I don’t,” Chelle said and Adie could detected the hint of sarcasm in her voice.

“Did you finish the plaster?” Adie asked as she headed towards the door.

“Yeah but ortho want another X-ray, I think your going to have to hold for it so they can get the angle right,” Chelle told her and Adie knew that she was completely busted now. There was no way she was going to be able to ask Chelle to hold for the x-ray without her getting more suspicious then she already was and she had no other excuse she could use.

“Oh…I uh…” she stammered.

“Are you going to start being honest with me?” Chelle asked.

“What do you mean?” Adie asked her back to her friend as she reached for the handle of the door.

“I’m not stupid Adie please don’t treat me like I am. Just tell me,” Chelle said as she places a hand on her best friends shoulder and with that touch Adie could no longer hold it in, the frustration of holding this huge secret inside finding its way out through her tear filled confession.

“I’m pregnant. Oh God Chelle I’m pregnant by the guy I walked away from.”

***

“You’ve been quiet today,” Kevin told Nick as he sat beside him on the lawn chair.

“Don’t really have a lot to say,” He shrugged.

“Well that’s a first,” Kevin joked and Nick even managed a small smirk before it quickly faded and the pensive look returned.

“Do you think I’m a screw up Kev?” He asked as he just stared out in front of him, not really seeing any of the garden.

“No I don’t think you’re a screw up. I think you make some bad decisions sometimes but everyone makes bad decisions Nick and that’s how we learn.”

“My life just seems to be one bad decision after the other though,” he sighed.

“Alright stop,” He said quite harshly making Nick look to him, “I’m not going to sit hear and listen to you get down on yourself. Yeah you’ve had a rough ride Nick, you’ve been put through the ringer by your parents and by ex girlfriends, yeah supposed friends have stabbed you in the back, yeah Adie left you but sitting here and moping about it and feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to change any of that.”

“That’s amazingly helpful Kev,” Nick shot back snarkaly.

“Do you want her back?” He asked.

“Of course I do,” Nick replied.

“Then you need to prove to her that you are someone worth being with, that she needs to be with you and so far all you’ve done is turn up where she works drunk after knocking yourself out. What kind of message does that send to her?” Kevin asked raising an eyebrow to him.

Nick sighed in frustration, “Not a great one.”

“No,” Kevin agreed.

“I just don’t know what I can do, we both want different things how can it work when we are both so different? You know she wants to settle down and have a family and all that stuff and I don’t want that,” Nick said playing with the toggle on his hoodie, a habit he had when he got uncomfortable talking about things.

“You don’t want it or your scared to want it?” Kevin prompted but Nick stayed silent confirming what Kevin thought. “Look man, you need to get past what’s happened with your parents and with your family and move on, because right now it’s holding you back and it’s not had your past it’s about to take your future from you and do you really want that?”

Nick shook his head, sniffing slightly and Kevin moved his seat so he was sat dead opposite his friend placing a hand on Nicks leg before continuing. “You need to talk to her, you need to let her in because if you did then maybe she would understand why you’re like this and why it takes you so long to trust people. You know she’s not going to judge you or think bad of you Nick, I know I’ve only met Adie a few times but I can tell she’s not that sort of person and I think she would be really good at helping you through this. That’s why I don’t understand why you won't talk to her, You talk to Kris, you talk to Leigh, I think Rachel is starting to see the true you know but all those people don't matter, the only person who really matters is Adie.”

“I just don’t know where to start. I don’t know if she’ll even talk to me,” Nick mumbled.

“You don’t know until you try. Are you staying tonight or are you going home?” Kevin asked.

“I should really go, I need to deal with Brent,” He sighed.

“What you going to do about them?” Kevin asked.

“I think Adie was right, they’re just using me for my studio and right now I really don’t need them here. If I’m going to get her back…I have to get her back so I have to make some changes.”

***

She sat and studied the picture in her hand, two tiny hands, two tiny feet, arms, legs, a head and a body. That was her baby, that was their baby, the child that was growing inside her, making good progress according to Dr McManus, a healthy strong heart beat, no visible problems and according to the size the Doctor concluded that the conception date had to be around the end of March which put her due date 27th November, a mere five months away. Now it all seemed real, this time next year her baby, their daughter, would be almost seven months old and all Adie could seem to think about was how she would have share her time between two houses, how she would have to grow up knowing her parents had been separated before she was even born.

“So when are you going to tell Nick that he has a daughter?” Chelle asked handing Adie a cup of tea, the comment making Adie tear up yet again. “Sweetie…he has a right to know.”

“I know that,” she snapped. “I know he does and I don’t plan on keeping it from him, just…do you know how hard this is going to be to tell him? You know the whole time I was having the sonogram all I wanted was to look over and see him there, to feel him hold my hand and squeeze it when she told me it was healthy, to see him smile when I was told I was having a girl,” she cried, letting Chelle grab her into a hug.

“Look you don’t know how he is going to react to this. You know he could surprise you, knowing that this is real and this is happening and that your having his baby might be the kick up the butt he needs. But until he knows…you can’t keep this a secret forever honey, I would say you got a few weeks at best before you start to show and you need to tell him before then,” Chelle offered rubbing her friends back.

“I just don’t want him to think that I’ve done this on purpose because I haven’t. God this should be such a happy time in my life, I’m about to become a Mother, it shouldn’t be like this,” she continued to cry.

“You need to tell him,” Chelle reiterated.

“I know. I know I do and the next time I see him I will, by the end of the week he’ll know,” She said pulling away, not realising that in less then twenty four hours Nick would be standing right in front of her.

It had been a difficult few days for Nick but he had decided that in order to get Adie back, to show her that he was serious about their relationship and wanting her in his future, he needed to make some drastic changes in his life and he needed to do it now.

The first thing he had done once he left Alex and Rachel’s was to ask Brent and the rest of the guys to leave, of course this had been quite difficult, ending in an all out shouting match in which Nick knew the friendship would be beyond repair. That didn’t seem to bother him though because deep down he knew that Adie had been right, Brent had just been using him for his connections and his studio, and he needed to clear people like that out of his life.

After he had thrown Brent out he had spent most of the next day lying in bed or on the couch trying to convince himself that he was coming up with ways to get Adie back into his life when all he was doing was moping and feeling sorry for himself, and after he consumed his second Swiss roll in one day he realised that he was slipping back into dangerous habits.

That’s when he had decided that a clear out was in order and if he was really going to change and show her that he was ready for commitment then he needed to let go of the baggage that was holding him back. So the first thing he had done was make his way up to the studio that also doubled as his office and unlocked the drawer that held the journals he had kept ever since he had started therapy just after house of carters had finished, and it was in that drawer where he stumbled across the book that Kevin had given him so long ago.

“Why some positive thinkers get powerful results,” he read aloud as he turned the book over in his hand to read the blurb before he had made himself comfortable and began reading what the book held inside

.

The book had captured his attention so much that by the following morning he already felt more positive about things and so had called Rebecca, his therapist, and had scheduled an urgent meeting with her which was where he was currently sat.

“So what your saying is this all comes back down to your trust issues?” Rebecca questioned after he had updated her about the past few months in his life.

“Basically,” He sighed, “I know what I want now though.”

“That’s good,” she told him, “But you have to be able to trust her Nick, because if you can’t trust her then it’s not going to work which is why I think she left.”

“I know that. I know I need to open up and let her in but I find it difficult, that part of me is so locked away, dead and buried,” he tried.

“But is it though? It’s still effecting you, no matter how many times you try and tell yourself that you are over the past, I don’t think you are and you need to get some closure on it because until you do this is just going to be a vicious cycle. You could meet the nicest person in the world, who would never hurt you, but if you can’t trust them, if you can’t be one hundred percent yourself around them, then it’s never going to work.”

“The only way I’m going to get closure is to talk about it isn’t it?” Nick realised.

“Yes. You said you accused Adie of trying to get pregnant behind your back, why did you think she would so something like that? Has she ever given you any indication that she would lie to you to get you to do what she wanted?” Rebecca asked.

He could feel the blush creep into his cheeks as he sighed not really wanting to talk about the whole topic because he still couldn’t believe how much of an ass he had been about it, no wonder she had left him. “No she hadn’t, she has never given me any reason to doubt her and I still go an do it anyway. I just…I guess I was waiting for a reason for me to end things, it’s always the same when things get too serious. You know with other women…I went out with them because I knew deep down that they weren’t the one, that they would somehow use me and that would be my reason for breaking things off, the ball was always in my court but since I met her…I don’t know,” he broke off not wanting to divulge too much.

“No carry on, what were you trying to say?” Rebecca probed.

“When I first saw her I didn’t think that anything would come of it, I thought it would be a one night stand to add to the tour, she was kind of my challenge for Nashville because she turned me down to begin with. The whole aim was to just see if I could get her into bed.”

“So what changed? By the time you started coming to see me you were already well into your relationship with her, what changed so that she wasn’t just a conquest?” Rebecca asked.

“She listened to me, I don’t think I actually bought one drink that night,” He chuckled slightly. “It was just so easy to talk to her, like none of it was false, she wanted to be there because she liked me and not my lifestyle or my status and I don’t think I have ever really had that,” he admitted to Rebecca.

“So why do you think it’s gotten harder to talk to her? To trust her? You said yourself she’s done nothing to loose your trust,” She asked.

“I don’t know,” he shrugged.

“You do Nick, there has to be a reason,” She told him sternly.

“The only things she’s done is walk away but that was after…I had been closing her out long before then. It’s what I do when people get too close, when I get too much of a good thing in my life,” he said fiddling with the frayed hole in his jeans.

“To protect yourself?” Rebecca questioned and he just nodded not making eye contact with her. “Okay why don’t we leave it there for today. You’ve made really good progress Nick, are you still keeping the journals?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“Good carry on with those and I’ll see you next week.”

***

Adie had read and rewritten the text so many times her thumb was now stating to get cramp but she still couldn’t find the right words to say, she knew she had to tell him in person, she needed to see his reaction but she didn’t want to get his hopes up when she sent him a text saying she needed to see him. She didn’t want him to think that it was because she was having doubts about her decision, god knew she was, all she kept thinking about was going back to him, waking up next to him in the morning, about him being there when she gave birth to their first child, finding him staring into a cot late at night when they were all home together. It wouldn’t be like that though, that was all just some ideal fantasy in her head because she knew this was going to be the biggest shock of his life and if he had been so closed off to the idea, she knew the reality was not going to be much better.

She looked at the clock on the wall and sighed when she realised that her break had finished, she was so exhausted so how the hell was she going to cope with being a Mom and work full time? The thought was just another stark reminder of what it was going to be like raising a child as a single Mother because if Nick wanted nothing to do with this pregnancy or his child then she sure as hell wanted nothing from him, she didn’t want to be tied to him for eighteen years while he paid child support for a child he never saw. Then another thought hit her, she still had to break the news to her family and although she knew her parents would never turn their backs on her, they had strong family values, she still hadn’t really had the guts to call them back after Rachel had obviously told them about hers and Nick’s separation.

She stood and tried to shake the stressful thoughts from her head, she was at work at the moment, there was nothing she could do about any of it now, all she could do was focus on how to do her job properly. So maybe that was why her heart flew into her throat when the first voice she heard when she vacated the staff room was Nick’s.

He hadn’t seen her yet, his back towards her as he talked to the new triage nurse. She had thought so much about what she would say to him, but nothing seemed to fit right and although she had promised Chelle she would tell him the first chance she got she knew it would not be today. She even contemplated turning and walking back into the coffee room so she could avoid him for that bit longer but the desk clerk gave her away and before she could even move a step he had turned and was facing her.

“Hi,” he smiled slightly.

“Hi,” She echoed. “What are you doing here?”

“I uh…I came to apologise for the other night and to get my stitches out,” he said making no move towards her.

“I’m surprised you can remember the other night,” she said sarcastically, her arms crossing over her chest in a vain effort to protect herself. He sighed and diverted his eyes downwards and for a minute Adie swore he stopped and stared at her mid section, almost as if he knew. She knew he couldn’t, that she was just paranoid but it still made her feel uneasy and she knew she had to get him out of there as quickly as she could.

“I’m sorry okay? That’s what I came here to say and if you don’t want to take my stitches out then that’s fine…I can wait for someone else,” he told her and she knew the small smirk that she saw had not been a figment of her imagination, it was his way of ensuring she would do it because he knew as well as she did that she did not want him sitting in the waiting room for a hours.

“Come on,” she said walking past him, swiping her ID card through the slot, walking through the doors as they opened. She didn’t know why, she could have taken is stitches out in one of the open bays in full view of everyone, but instead she chose to take him into one of the private consult rooms. He took a seat on the gurney as she pulled together all the kit she would need to remove the five stitches that had helped pull his skin back together, asking him to lie down when she was ready. “It might pull a little but it shouldn’t really hurt,” she warned him.

“I am really sorry you know,” he told her again, closing his eyes as she got to work.

“Uh huh.”

“Not just about last week either, about everything. You were totally right in what you said when I turned up at Chelle’s, I don’t trust you and you’ve done-”

“Nick,” she cut him off.

“Just let me finish, please?” He asked and after she sighed but kept quiet he continued. “You’ve done nothing to deserve that, it’s all me. This is what I do Adie, I protect myself from getting hurt but in doing that this time I lost you and that hurts so much more. I want you back, I know I have a lot to prove to you but I want you back.”

“No you don’t,” she told him as she pulled the last stitch from his head.

“Yeah I do,” he told her firmly opening his eyes and looking into hers.

There was a small voice in her head just yelling at her to tell him the truth, to see if he would be so adamant about working things out with her if he new the truth, and the words were just on the tip of her tongue, almost about to escape and change their lives forever but fate stepped in.

“Adie we need an extra set of hands in trauma two, got a patient doped up to the eyeballs, we’re having difficulty restraining him,” Mike said quickly sticking his head through the door.

“Okay be there in a sec,” she told him before turning to Nick, “It’s healed really nicely, just use some coco butter on area and your scar should fade quite nicely.” She turned to leave but he grabbed her hand and pulled her back towards him, lowering his lips to his, his hands coming to her cheeks to keep her head in place, not that she was even fighting him. It was quick and all he literally did was brush his lips against hers but it showed her how much she had really missed him.

“I love you and I am going to get you back, no matter how long takes,” He told her.

She was so stunned that she couldn’t even manage to get any words out and all she did was close her eyes to keep her tears at bay as she turned away from him and walked out the door and made her way down into the trauma room. Her mind was such a blur about all he had said to her, he loved her, he was working on ways to get her back, he understood why she was so unhappy.

“Can you grab me some haldol? Careful the floor’s just been mopped,” Mike told her as she walked into the trauma room. She quickly grabbed the drug, drew it up in the syringe and drew it up, coming extremely close to sticking herself with the needle due to her lack of concentration. She handed the syringe to Mike and tried to hold the guys arm still as he screamed obscenities at her, but she wasn’t really hearing any of them, her mind still focused on her conversation with Nick. With all those thoughts running through her head she quite clearly was not focusing on the task in front of her and maybe that was why she didn’t realise that the soft restraints on the large mans left arm had come loose before it was to late and he grabbed hold of her scrubs. He was so strong and she was so tiny and caught off guard that she didn’t have time to react as her midsection was slammed against the guard rail of the gurney so hard it winded her, this coupled by the damp flooring beneath her feet made her lose her footing and the last thing she remembered before her head hit the guard rail, plunging her into darkness was, My baby, oh god my baby!

He knew. 

As soon as he felt her kiss him back he knew she still loved him, he knew that Rachel had been right in what she had told him, now all he had to do was prove to her he was worth being with.

That was where it got tricky.

If they hadn’t of been interrupted he was sure he would have been able to make her see, to convince her that all they needed was one more chance to make it work. That was all he needed, just one more chance to prove to her he could change, to make her understand why he had become so closed off. Telling her he could change wasn’t enough though, he needed to show her that he was already in the process of changing, that he loved her with all his heart and had done since they had been together, that he was ready to trust her. He just didn’t know what he could do to prove that to her, it was going to take some thinking and it was going to be difficult. All that didn’t matter though, because that kiss had proved everything to him, it had filled him with hope and even though there was still a long road in front of him, still a difficult battle to win her back, Nick left the hospital smiling.

***

When you work in medicine your trained to know that the first sense to come back as you regain consciousness is your hearing. That’s exactly what happened to Adie, she could hear others around her, talking about her but she just couldn’t quite muster up the energy to open her eyes, to let her colleagues know she was now conscious, her throbbing head making her just want to drift back to sleep. She planned on doing that, but she quickly realised that nobody apart from Chelle knew about her pregnancy and Chelle was at home sleeping before her nightshift would begin.

She attempted to open her eyes but they just remained so heavy, her painful head also not making matters any easier. She obviously moaned slightly from the pain and frustration because the next thing she heard was someone calling her name softly as she felt a hand snake into hers and give it a squeeze.

“Adie? Can you open your eyes for me?”

She took a deep breath in and tried again and this time was successful but the light above her head was so bright so closed them again quickly.

“Too bright,” she mumbled.

“Kill the lights Jess,” she heard someone say and when she opened her eyes again the decrease in light meant she could keep them open. “Well hi,” Mike said to her with a smile.

“Hi,” she mumbled as she tried to sit, she soon realised that it was going to be a difficult task what with the neck collar in place.

“You need to keep still,” Mike told her.

“Is this really necessary?” She whined reaching up to try and take the collar off but the male nurse was quicker, restraining her from doing so.

“Yes, until you’ve been x-rayed to rule out any neck injury it stays on,” he told her firmly.

“It’s gona have to stay on for a while then,” she mumbled sarcastically, making him frown at her in confusion. She sighed to herself as she closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose before she just blurted out, “I’m pregnant.”

“Well you kept that quiet, congratulations,” Mike smiled before it dawned on him that firstly it was probably Nick’s baby, a fact that Adie would be finding difficult to cope with considering they had just parted company, and more worryingly secondly, any abdominal trauma Adie had suffered could have put the whole pregnancy at risk. “Do you have any cramping?” he asked. He could see the tears in her eyes as she slowly nodded her head in affirmation. “It’s okay, I’ll call OBGYN and we’ll get a sonogram right away.”

“Nobody knows Mike, I’d kind of like to keep it that way if I can,” she told him.

“No problem sweetie.”

She watched as he disappeared out of her eye line and after a few seconds she heard the door open and then shut as he walked through it and it was there, all alone, where she began to cry. How had her life come to this? This time a year ago she had been happy, this time a year ago she had been with an amazing man whom she loved with all her heart and now? Here she was on a cold gurney, in a generic hospital room, waiting to find out whether her own stupidity had caused her to loose her unborn child and yet all she could think about was the kiss she had just shared with it’s Father.

A small simple peck, not passionate, not lust fuelled, but perfect none the less and it had shown her how much she did still love him. Her leaving had never been about a lack of love though because she knew she still loved him, she knew that it would take forever and day for her to stop loving him, she had left because he did not trust her. That fact was still present, she didn’t know how he could ever prove to her that he did trust her enough, that he was committed enough to her.

Then again she supposed it didn’t really matter much because once he found out about this pregnancy he would flee, this after all had not been what he had wanted and she didn’t expect him to stick around.

That was if she was even still pregnant.

How could she have been so stupid? Why hadn’t she paid more attention to what was going on around her? This could have all been avoided, if only she had gotten that job she had gone for earlier in the year, then she would not have been lying where she currently was. That thought alone made her think back to all the fights over her choice of work environment she had had with Nick and now she realised why he had gotten so uptight about it, he had been worried about seeing her get really hurt. Well it had happened now and all she could do was pray that the ramifications were not too harsh.

***

It had hit him like a tonne of bricks on the way home from the hospital, like a flash bulb had suddenly lit up and he could finally see clearly. The one way to make her understand, to start opening that door to her in a easy way, a way in which he wouldn’t have to talk right away, was to give her his diary’s. It was in there that he had pretty much divulged into everything, documented in those books were his frustrations about his life, his fears, his hopes, his love for her and he was sure that it would at least make her realise that he was just scared of being hurt and used again, that it wasn’t about her, it was all about him.

His cell phone ringing pulled him from his thoughts and he quickly answered as he slowed to a stop at a red light.

“Hello?”

“Hi is that Nick?” He heard a familiar sounding voice ask.

“Speaking,” he replied.

“Hi it’s Marissa, I work with Adie…” she hesitated for a minute, “Er,…you’re on her contact sheet as next of kin…there’s been a bit of an incident, she’s absolutely fine,” she quickly corrected.

“What happened?” he asked concerned as he started to signal left so he could be able to turn once the lights changed.

“She hit her head and knocked herself out, obviously we’re going to send her home but we don’t want to send her home alone.”

“I’m on my way,” he told her as he hung up, and quickly turned the car around, speeding back to the hospital, knowing that this moment had been inevitable, god how many times had he warned her?

***

Twenty minutes after Adie had first regained consciousness and the neck brace had been removed after a thourough clinical examination, and the first thing she had done was make her way to bathroom. Her mind had been slightly put at ease when there had been no signs of bleeding, maybe the stomach pain was just going to end up being bruising, that was what she was hoping anyway. All she needed now was the sonogram to confirm her hopes and so she patiently waited for her OBGYN to turn up.

Dr Macmillan arrived promptly with a warm smile to greet her anxious patient and Adie was slightly put at ease by her kind demeanour as she wheeled in the sonogram.

“Hi Adie, how are you feeling?” She asked as she switched on the machine before squirting the cool gel on her midriff.

“Okay, I just need to see she’s okay.”

“Of course you do but you’ve had no spotting which is good, has the cramping eased?” She asked as she slowly moved the wand over her stomach.

“Yeah, I think it might just be bruising,” she said as she eagerly trained her eyes to the screen in front of her, trying to make out the image of her child, her stomach feeling uneasy when she didn’t hear a heartbeat right away.

“That’s possible,” the Doctor replied but she was suddenly drowned out by the strong and steady whooshing coming from the machine and Adie let go of the breath she had been holding, a small smile spreading across her previously concerned face when she could make out the small image on the screen. “There we go, a nice strong heartbeat, no signs of placental abruption, things look good.”

“Thank god,” Adie sighed in relief.

“Now I’m going to suggest that you stay off work for the rest of the week, no strenuous activity, any signs of bleeding abdominal discomfort or if you just don’t feel happy then come straight back okay? I’d also suggest that you avoid trauma’s or any situations that are going to put you at further risk when you’re at work,” Dr Macmillan advised but Adie had totally zoned out when the door opened, the colour completely draining from her face, the feelings of complete panic and uneasiness returning full force when she caught sight of who was standing in the doorway.

She would never forget the look of complete shock on his face, as he looked to her then to the monitor which held their child’s image before he slowly he looked back to her with questioning eyes, the only sound audible being the strong heartbeat of their daughter currently resting inside her.

Nick's hand was gripped so tightly on the handle of the door that his knuckles were turning white and he so badly wanted to move into the room and question her about what the hell was going on but his feet just wouldn’t seem to move, just like his mouth refused to work. The scene in front of him couldn’t be real because if it was that meant that she was pregnant, but the sound of the strong recurrent whooshing coming from the machine was confirmation enough, the look on her face was just the bonus.

She was completely ashen as she looked at him with wide eyes before turning her head away, her eyes closing as she took in a deep breath. She quickly tried to cover up her stomach, plunging the room into an awkward silence when the sound of the heartbeat abruptly stopped. The Doctor looked questioningly to her patient and then at Nick before slowly turning back to Adie, how was now fiddling with the hem of her scrub top, avoiding all eye contact with Nick. Yes this was all totally real and he had caught her red handed.

The doctor was first to break to stifling silence by addressing Adie, “Just take it easy for the rest of the week ok? And I’ll see you in two weeks for your next check up.” She then proceeded to turn the machine off and make her way passed Nick with an uncomfortable smile, he stepped further into the room and let the door close behind him but remained silent. What the hell was he supposed to say? Asking her at that point just seemed stupid, of course she was pregnant, that much was obvious and anyway he wasn’t the one who had been caught keeping secrets. She had been, so surely she should be the one to talk first, to explain what the hell was going on but it was at the moment Nick had a shocking thought, What if it’s not mine? If that was the case it would explain why she had left in the manner she did, why she was so adamant about not getting back together with him. Now all he had to do was ask.

“Is…” he hesitated, he knew the question would either crush his world or they would end up arguing with each other but he just had to know and so with a deep breath he tried again, “Is…is it mine?

As soon as her head snapped towards him, her eyes dark, her glare and whole body language seem to make him freeze to where he was, he knew it was going to end in an argument.

She shook her head at him and with a scoff asked him, “How dare you ask me that? Of course it’s yours.”

“Well what the hell am I supposed to think?!” he exclaimed, “Three weeks ago you left me with no explanation and now you're pregnant.”

“At least now you can’t accuse me of trying to trap you,” she shot back as she threw her legs over the side of the gurney before she slipped her feet into her crocs.

He let her words sink in as he leant back against the wall and watched as she gathered up her things, she was so pissed off now, she only ever threw things around, slammed things and huffed when she was angry and could he really blame her? He had just accused her of sleeping around behind his back and ending up pregnant, he knew she wasn’t like that, that was who he had been, he was the cheater, he was the commitment phobic, not her.

“I’m sorry,” He apologised when she threw her bag over her shoulder.

“Why are you even here?” She asked.

“I’m still on your contact sheet.”

“Well just go because I don’t want you here, I don’t want you anywhere near me,” she told him but he knew she didn’t mean it due to the fact that she couldn’t look at him when she told him and also in the tone of her voice, it sounded like she was going to break into sobs.

“You hit your head, you can’t go alone,” he told raising an eyebrow in cockiness as he remembered what she had told him in this very room not two weeks ago. She shook her head at him again before trying to walk past him but Nick was quicker and lightly grabbed her arm so she couldn’t leave.

“Let go of me,” she warned looking to him for the first time since he had accused her of being unfaithful and all he wanted to do was reach down and brush the tears away, to wrap her in his arms and never let her go but he knew right now it wouldn’t be appreciated and would end up pushing her further away.

“No. You’re not going home by yourself so you have to two choices you can come home with me or I can call your sister. I’m sure she would be very interested in what’s been going on,” he said letting go of her arm and crossing his over his chest.

She met his eyes for a few seconds and he could tell she was thinking about calling what she thought was a bluff but obviously decided against it, “Fine,” she relented as she walked through the doors and out to the parking lot.

The car ride home was in complete silence with Adie just pretending to ignore the fact that Nick was sat beside her but he kept catching her glancing sideways at him, averting her eyes when he looked over to her. He wanted to say something, to break the icy tension that had wrapped itself around them but he found that he just couldn’t find anything to say, his eyes occasionally drifting to her abdomen, the only thought swirling in his head was that she was pregnant. Right in there was a baby but not only a baby, it was their baby, HIS baby, a tiny human being who he was responsible for, a human being who he had created.

The thought alone should have scared the crap out of him, should have made him flee as soon as he opened the door and spied what was happening, should have sent his world into utter turmoil but instead here he was driving Adie home, the scariest part of all of this was that he actually felt calm, that he didn’t want to run. It was totally unexpected because he had always thought that any women delivering this news to him would have been catastrophic, he had never thought he would be in a place in his life where this news would not want to make him run for the hills but yet here he was.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” she said suddenly disturbing him from his thoughts.

“You want me to pull over?” He asked already signalling when she began to nod her head and as soon as the car stopped she swung the door open and leant out so she could let the contents of her stomach escape. He unbuckled his seat belt and leant over rubbing her back to try and soothe the heaves and after a few moments she sat back in her seat. “You want to go back to the hospital?” he asked when she shut the door.

“It’s just morning sickness,” she said with her eyes closed as she tried to strive off another attack.

“Are you sure? I mean you did hit your head couldn’t it be concussion?”

“I’m fine,” she reiterated sounding pissed off.

“Alright,” Nick conceded as he pulled away and once again they were submerged into the ice cold tension, neither knowing what to say to the other, neither understanding how it had come to this.

“No, uh uh, I’m not staying here,” she told him when she realised where he had taken her as he pulled the car into the circular drive of their home, well his home now. How had she not realised he had been driving towards the house? It was completely in the opposite direction of Chelle’s and yet she hadn’t noticed, she had been to transfixed on him, about his whole reaction to the news to even realise.

“Well where else are we going to go?” he asked as he shut off the engine and took the keys out of the ignition.

“Take me to Chelle’s,” she told him crossing her arms over her chest.

“Chelle’s working tonight and you can’t be on your own.”

“You can crash on the couch or in Chelle’s bed if you insist on staying but I already told you I don’t need a babysitter I’m fine,” she replied harshly.

“And I already told you I can call Rachel if you want,” he retaliated.

“Why are you doing this?” She softly asked as a few tears fell from her eyes but she recoiled when he reached out to wipe them away, hating the hurt look that spread across his face when she did.

He sighed as he pulled his hand back, “Because we need to talk, because this just isn’t about you and me anymore. Now we can stay out here in the car or we can go inside where it’s comfier.”

She wiped at her eyes and looked to the house in front of her before she unbuckled her belt and opened the door climbing out of the car. He waited until she slammed the door shut before he made his move to get out and by that time she was already waiting at the front door. He opened it and signalled for her to go on in but she only made a few small steps and then hesitated in the hallway.

“You want a drink or something to eat?” He asked and she shook her head no as she followed him into the living room and he knew she purposely sat on the opposite couch to him. He watched her for a few seconds, she was looking around the living room, her hands in her lap picking at her nails, avoiding all eye contact with him and he realised she was totally uncomfortable around him. She was almost acting like a small child who had been caught doing something naughty and was now going to have to suffer the consequences and in a way she was. She had left him without a decent explanation, had kept this pregnancy from him and he had found out about it and not by her, so she had some major explaining to do. He had every right to be completely pissed off with her, to rant at her, to never trust her again and yet all he wanted to do was wrap his arms around her and tell her it was all going to be okay.

“I…” she started but stopped suddenly.

“You what?” he asked softly leaning his elbows on his knees as he leant forward slightly.

“I didn’t mean for you to find out like you did.”

“I know you didn’t. How long have you known?” He asked.

“About two and half weeks,” she mumbled her eyes now focused on her own hands in her lap.

“So you didn’t know when you left?” he asked and she shook her head no, “If you…would you…would you have left if you had known?” He asked.

“Nick,” she sighed.

“Just answer me.”

“It’s not about that,” she tried.

“Would you have left me if you knew you were pregnant?” he asked again ignoring her last comment and the moment she looked at him he knew her answer.

“Yes I think I would have,” she admitted.

“Why?” He asked slightly choked at her confession.

“Because you don’t want this. You told me enough times and don’t try and lie to me or to yourself by trying to tell me that you are okay with this now because I know you’re not,” She told him truthfully.

“Well I’m here aren’t I? I could have easily left you in the ER today, walked away and I haven’t. So what does that say about me? He tried, getting up from where he was sitting and walking around the coffee table to sit in front of her on it.

“It doesn’t say anything Nick, it doesn’t change anything, you know, we both want different things. I want to be happy and I haven’t been for long time,” she admitted.

“Are you happy now?” He asked, “Because I don’t think you are.”

She ran her hand through her hair and looked away from him, choosing to remain quiet for a few moments before she answered, “I never expected…maybe things haven’t turned out how I would like but I…I’m going to be a Mom and I’m excited about that.”

“We could be family Adie, I know that’s what you want. In like what Seven months? We could have worked through all this, we could have put this all behind us and we could be a proper family,” he told her softly taking her hand in his, lightly brushing his thumb across her knuckles.

“Five months,” she corrected.

“What?” He asked slightly shocked.

“She’s due in November,” she told him as she looked directly into his eyes. She wasn’t expecting the reaction she saw in them though and instead of them frowning in realisation they actually grew wide and sparkled.

“It’s a girl?” he asked a small smile spreading across his face.

“Please don’t do this Nick,” She begged.

“Don’t do what?” he asked.

“Act like your okay with this now, make me think that I’ve made a mistake,” she told him pulling her hand out of his as she wiped at her tears.

“Do you think that you’ve made a mistake?” he asked hopefully.

“I don’t…no. No I haven’t because…the reality hasn’t sunk in for you yet, when it does…when you realise what this all means you’ll close off just like you always do.”

“So I can’t change? In your eyes I am always going to be like this, you can’t give me the benefit of the doubt that I can change?” he asked starting to get slightly angry.

“We’ve been together for three years and you still haven’t let me in, why now would you suddenly change?” She asked watching when he stood from the table and moved away from her.

“I don’t know? Maybe because I have finally grown up and realised I need to let people in, maybe because being closed off has finally cost me something I didn’t think I could loose? I love you and I want to be with you and I…I was scared Adie,” he admitted.

“About what?” She asked.

“Of losing you.”

“But you have lost me, you didn’t trust me enough and now you have lost me Nick,” she told him firmly.

“You say it's about me not trusting you but what have you done lately to deserve that trust Adie? How did you think that you leaving would gain that trust? Instead of sticking by me, of trying to help me get over stuff by coming to therapy like you said you would you left. You left me a fucking note to come home to,” he said pointing in the direction of the kitchen, he almost yelled. “Do you know how much that hurt? Do you know what it felt like?”

“Well do you know what it feels like to have someone who is supposed to love you shut you out?” She yelled back, “Do you know how frustrating it is when all you want to do it help but you can’t? To love someone so much and them not feel the same way about you?”

“I do love you,” he told her.

“No you love the idea of me, of us and of us being a family once this baby is born.”

“You know this is exactly what you didn’t want, I’m giving you a chance to have your dream of being a happy family.”

“How the hell are we going to be a happy family Nick?” She asked with a laugh. “You see this as a way of us getting back together but eventually you’ll end up resenting all this and it will all end up being my fault because you felt pressured into being okay with this because of the baby.”

“It’s always about me isn’t it? It’s always about me being to closed minded, not trusting, reluctant to do anything, reluctant to share things with you, when you haven’t really been that truthful have you?” he threw back at her.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?

“Well you kept all this from me, you say that you only found out a few weeks ago but you’re four months pregnant Adie, that’s what at least three missed periods? I saw you at least twice after you supposedly found out and you didn’t tell me, if I hadn’t of walked in on you today how long would it have been till you told me? When you went into labour? After it was born? On her eighteenth fucking birthday?! He screamed.

“I was going to tell you!” She exclaimed, “Yeah I suspected for a while before but I haven’t exactly been myself for a while I know you haven’t noticed because you’ve been to preoccupied with yourself but I was hurting Nick and you were acting like everything was okay when it hasn’t been for a long time.”

“Everybody has problems, lots of people hit this point in relationships where you want different things and some people actually make it through to the other side Adie, we can work through this,” He tried again.

“Like your parents did Nick?” She chastised, “This baby hasn’t even been born yet and we’re already arguing and I’m sorry but if your parents problems were the catalyst for you shutting everyone out then…I won’t allow that to happen to our child.”

“You know nothing about that,” he told her his tone low.

“I wonder why,” she sarcastically added.

“You are such a fucking hypocrite Adrianna.”

The use of her full name caught her attention partly due to his dangerous tone of voice but mainly because she couldn’t actually remember a time he had ever called her by it. That name was reserved for her Grandparents, for when her Mother was angry with her, in formal settings, never ever from him and she knew that calling him on his familial problems had struck a nerve.

“I’m a hypocrite?” She asked.

“You say you want me to change, that you want me to open up to you, that you wanted a family with me but I think you are the one who is in love with the whole idea of that.” She tried to protest but he carried on, “I asked you to come to therapy with me, I didn’t bolt when I found out about this baby and I’m here now telling you I’m okay with this whole situation, that I still trust you even after you kept this from me, even after you left me in a note. I’m offering you exactly what you say you want, I’m willing to change and take a chance, and yeah maybe I should have done this a long time ago, but here it all is, all laid out in front of you and you’re turning it all down and I think I know why.”

“Why then? Why am I doing it?” She asked with a shrug as she herself stood.

“Because you’re scared to fail. Right now you can blame this whole thing on me and my lack of commitment, and my lack of trust, Nick’s issues caused us to fail but if I change, if I work on my issues and we still fail? Then it becomes about you too. Then your perfect, happy idealistic life which you strive to have will be ripped away from you but this way conceding to failure before you’ve actually tired, it just makes it that bit easier. That way you haven’t lost something that you loved because you never got to live that life. So what does that say about you?”

Throughout his whole tirade Adie had shrunk into herself, crossing her arms against her chest, looking down to her feet in an effort to try and make him think that he was bang on the mark, in an effort to make him think that his words hadn’t got to her even though they had. Everything he had said was right, she was scared to fail, she was scared to be made to look like a fool, she knew she had an idealistic view of what life should be like but it still didn’t stop her wanting it. Over the past few years though she had grown slightly more cynical, her line of work making her realise how cruel life could really be, the house with the white picket fence and the whole two point four children now was no longer the norm, she knew that now. She had realised that not long after Mark had cheated but with Nick, well she had thought she had found her white knight, that had all changed though. So why try when it was all doomed to failure anyway? Why let failure have a chance? At least this way she couldn’t have everything ripped away from her.

“You got nothing to say to that?” He asked cockily.

“You’re wrong,” she tried to tell him but she knew he wouldn’t buy it.

“I don’t think I am. I know you still love me Adie because I can see it in the way you look at me and I could feel it when you kissed me back earlier and I still love you and I’m always going to love you and I’m sorry if I haven’t been the best at showing it, but I am here right now telling you. I can’t make you come back to me, I can’t make you carry on loving me, I can’t be the only one to make changes in my life and I can’t and I won’t make myself stop loving you but I will tell you this. No matter how much you hate the fact and no matter how much you don’t want me in your life I am still your baby’s Father and I am going to be there for her.”

Nick stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame as he stared at the rumbled, empty bed. He knew she wouldn’t stay, he knew that she would flee at the very first opportunity and he also knew there was nothing he could have done to stop her, he couldn’t exactly hold her against her will. He stared at the empty, cold bed for a few moments longer, knowing that by noon the pain in his head would have ebbed in even further. If only he could sleep some more then maybe things would all seem a bit clearer, would seem simpler but he knew no matter how hard he tried the sleep would just not come. Insomnia was a bitch.

He rubbed at one of his eyes before he walked in to the room and made the bed, moaning inwardly when Layla jumped up onto it, creasing it all up again. “Layla off,” he told her with an impatient click of his fingers but the mutt glanced at him before making herself more comfy. He sighed in frustration as he grabbed for her collar, but she resisted, whining and looking at him with sad eyes and so he stopped pulling at her, instead choosing to sit beside her, rubbing her head slowly.

“Miss her too huh?” He asked as he fell back against the comfy guest bed, the bed that still smelled like her when he took a deep breath in. He absent mindedly stroked Layla as he thought back to the previous night, to their heated conversation after her secret had been spilled, to the awkward silence that had ensued after he told her he was going to be a part of his daughter’s life.

His daughter, that sentence still seemed weird but it didn’t freak him out as much as he thought it would, he had five months to make Adie see, five months to prove to her that he wouldn’t bolt, that surprisingly, he was ready for this commitment. He understood why she was so reluctant to believe him when he had kept telling her that he was okay with the pregnancy, that he wanted to be there, she remained sceptical right up until she went to bed last night, kept telling him that when the news finally sunk in, when he realised what it meant, he might change his mind. If he was honest with himself he knew that it was a possibility, he knew that as the time drew nearer to her delivery date he would probably be scared shitless but he had a huge responsibility now. In the past he had always shied away from them, distanced himself from his siblings so he didn’t have to get involved in the messy divorce battle his parents fought but when he looked back he regretted that. He should have been there for them, he was their big brother, he should have been the one to stand up to his parents and make them see what were doing, should have protected them. He cut all ties though, let them fend for themselves and had been the worst role model ever, going out and getting wasted, hooking up with random women to try and numb some of the pain he had been going through, no wonder his family had been such a mess.

Things had begun to change though, a change he realised he needed to make when he had met the ballsy ER nurse after breaking Kevin’s nose. It hadn’t been an immediate realisation, but once he had met with her family, saw how they interacted with one another, saw how close her and Rachel had been he knew he needed to work on that connection with is siblings and so that was where House of Carters had come from. Although it hadn’t been the best idea to broadcast it to millions of people, it had been the start of one healing process, and although his relationship with them was well on the way to being completely mended he knew there were other avenues in his life that needed attention. In order to do that though he needed to finally put some more of his demons to rest and in order to do that he needed to talk about them something that was going to be incredibly difficult but he knew it needed to be done. It needed to be done because he didn’t want to look back in twenty years and regret that he did not try to straighten things out with Adie, he didn’t want to have to explain to his Daughter why she had been bought up shuffled between two homes.

He pushed himself up from the bed and made his way towards his own room, he needed to see her again, they needed to talk more and so he picked up the house phone, even dialled most of her cell phone numbers but at the last minute he placed the phone back down. She would see that it was him, would more then likely think he was only calling to yell at her for the sneaky departure and he knew she sure as hell wouldn’t answer. Instead he picked up his cell phone and decided to text her.

“Just wanted 2 no that u got hme safe n r ok,” He read allowed as he typed, hitting the send button before he placed the cell phone back on the night stand and then he walked into the bathroom his head turning back into the direction of his room when he heard a familiar ring tone. He took his hand away from the tap of the shower before he got to turn it on and strode quickly into his room, his heart beating furiously because he knew the only person programmed under Sir Mixalot’s “I like big butts” was her. When he looked at the screen of his sidekick her picture was flashing, he grabbed for it quickly and pressed the accept button.

“Hello?” He answered.

“It’s me,” she almost whispered.

“You left,” he stated softly.

“Yeah…Chelle picked me up after her night shift,” She told him.

“I would have dropped you home,” he offered as he perched on the edge of his un made bed.

“She was heading home anyway.”

“She had to go in the complete opposite direction.”

“It’s done Nick, I’m home and I’m fine,” she told him firmly.

“Ok you could have woken me or left a note though,” he told her.

She chuckled sarcastically down the phone to him before saying, “You didn’t seem to care too much for the last note I left you.”

“Don’t,” he warned, his voice softening.

“Don’t what?“ She asked.

“Don’t try and make this into an argument Adie,” he told her hearing her sigh deeply on the other end of the phone. “We still need to talk and I mean talk not argue, not shout, not blame each other for what’s happened. We need to talk and work something out.”

“I know. I know we do, I uh I have the rest of the week off work maybe we could meet up,” she offered.

“Well what about today?” he asked.

“I can’t not today. I need…I’m going to dinner,” she hesitated, “I’m going to tell my parents.”

“Okay, are you going to tell…do you want me to tell Rachel and Alex?” he asked.

“They’re going to be there too so I might as well just get it over with,” she told him and he could hear the reluctance in her voice to do so.

“What do you mean get it over with?” he questioned.

“It’s not exactly going to go over well is it? Not with Rachel anyway.”

He hesitated for a moment before saying, “It doesn’t have to be this way you know.”

“Yes it does,” she quickly replied.

“Adie-” He tried but she only cut him off quickly, making her excuses of having to leave soon and still needing to get ready.

“So when are we going to discuss this?” He asked.

“Are you free tomorrow?” She asked.

“Yeah. Are you going to come here?” he asked.

“No,” she answered quickly. “I can’t.”

“Do you want to meet up somewhere for lunch?” He offered.

“And be overheard and have this spread like wild fire?” She replied sceptically.

“Then what do you want?” He asked sharply, apologising quickly when he realised how harsh his tone had been.

“I don’t know,” she answered and he knew she didn’t just mean she was confused about meeting up, that at least gave him some hope.

“What about Hamilton Creek?” He suggested, “We could walk Layla, talk, it’s secluded and it’s a week day so there won’t be a lot of people.”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good. I‘ll meet you about eleven thirty?”

“Sure.”

“Okay I’ll uh I’ll see you tomorrow, bye,” she said.

“Adie?” He asked quickly hoping that she hadn’t hung up.

“Yeah?”

“I love you,” he told her softly knowing that he wouldn’t hear it back.

“I’ll see you tomorrow Nick.” With that he heard the familiar click of her hanging up and then the dial tone.

***

Adie had expected everyone’s reactions to her news and she hadn’t been wrong in what she had thought. Her parents had of course been shocked but after a few moments to process the news she had been wrapped in a big hug from her Mother, who of course ended up in tears at the news she was now going to have two grandbabies by the end of the year. Her Father had also been delighted to know that he would be receiving another grandchild and had told her that a delivery on his birth date would be the best present he could wish for.

Rachel hadn’t failed to disappoint either, and Adie had wished she could have taped her reaction because she couldn’t remember a time when Rachel had actually been that quiet, that open mouthed and that shocked for as long as she was. She had certainly found her voice though and Adie replayed the heated argument in her head as swung back and forth on the porch swing that hung from her parents back porch.

As she thought back to the fight she felt another stray tear escape. She was always going to be the bad guy, she was always going to be the heart breaker, the evil bitch who left him without a word and yet again he would be the victim in all this. She didn’t think that was very fair because it had taken two of them to screw up this relationship but certain people didn’t see it like that. She heard the back door open and quickly wiped away the tear, trying to collect herself as Alex sat down beside her. He didn’t look at her, didn’t say anything, all he did was wrap his arm around her shoulders and pull her towards him, rubbing at her shoulder gently when she began to cry.

“I’m sorry,” she sniffed.

“Don’t be, she was out of line in there I just told her so and I think you folks are re iterating that now,” he told her.

“God,” she sighed. “I don’t want you two fighting over this, I knew this would happen, I knew…it’s too difficult to not take sides and I’m the bad guy here os of course you are all going to side with Nick.”

“I’m not taking sides Adie, believe me I’m not going to do that. I mean I don’t agree with how you left him but I know you had your reasons and believe me I know Nick is no angel. I just don’t like seeing either of you like this.”

The porch door swung open again and Rachel stood in the gap as she looked at Alex, tossing his jacket to him before saying, “We’re leaving.”

“I’m talking,” He told her.

“We’re leaving,” she told him again.

“No I’m talking to your sister and we haven’t finished yet,” He told her starting to becoming agitated.

“It’s fine Alex,” Adie tried but he turned to her quickly.

“No it’s not, I’m not ready to leave yet,” he said turning back to Rachel who was now almost beet root red with rage, her eyes dangerously dark and small.

“Make your own way home then, I’m taking the car,” She said as she turned quickly leaving the door to slam shut.

“Four more weeks Alex, four more weeks,” He calmly told himself.

“What?” Adie asked slightly confused.

“She is getting the benefit of the doubt at the moment and can use the excuse of hormones and being tired and uncomfy but god help me and the world if this is what motherhood is going to do with her.”

“I don’t want this to come between you two,” Adie told him again.

“Sweetie it won’t, she’s just tired. So due in November huh? Makes you four months along?” He asked as he worked it out in his head.

“Seventeen weeks,” she nodded with a smile.

“How long have you known?” He asked.

“About two and half weeks.”

“How long has Nick known?” He asked her.

“About twenty eight hours.”

“How did he take it?” He asked.

“He didn’t bolt but I think he was kind of shocked,” she said as she played with the hem of her top.

“I think we all were,” he admitted with a deep chuckle.

“He says he is going to be there you know, that he is going to be involved whether I like it or not, he wants to be a Father to her.”

“Her? I’m getting a niece?” he asked with a big smile.

“Yeah. I never…I didn’t think he would react this way, I thought he would run, be in total denial,” she said softly staring out in front of her at the green garden before her.

“Nick’s always had a way with surprising people like that. Now that he has, does that change anything?” He probed softly.

“I don’t think so,” she admitted with a shake of her head as she quickly wiped at her eyes again.

“Why not?”

"Because when she’s here, when he finally realises that this is real and what implications having a baby has…he might change his mind and run then…I can’t take that risk,” she said whispering the last part.

“If you never took a risk Adie life would be really boring.”

“It’s not just me to think about anymore though is it?” She asked.

“No you’re right you have your baby to think about, but just answer me one question okay? If you could be certain that he would wouldn’t bolt, that he could change would you back to him?”

She didn’t even have to think about her answer and before she knew it a soft and barely audible “Yes” had escaped her lips.

The day was warm and bright, not a single cloud could be seen, the ground below his feet already warm. For a weekday the large area of trees and dirt trails was a bit busier then what he had expected but it was mainly people from a certain generation, a generation, he hoped, full of people who would not recognise him. He was pulled forward slightly by Layla when she spotted another Dog in the distance, her barks drawing it’s attention as it began to bark back.

“Layla-” He warned as he tugged on her leash, “Sit.” The sandy coloured dog did as she was commanded but continued to bark occasionally at passing dogs, cars and people on push bikes. Nick glanced down at his watch for what seemed like the millionth time since he had arrived. It was eleven forty, she was ten minutes late, Adie was never usually late for anything, he scanned the parking lot again, sighing when he did not spy her or her car anywhere. She had stood him up. He angrily fished in his shorts pocket for his cell phone, hitting the speed dial that held her number and quickly placed it up to his ear. It rang for all of two seconds before she answered.

“I’m late I know. I’m about two minutes away,” She told him.

“Okay. I’ll see you in a bit, I’m by the first trail,” he told her.

“Alright, bye.”

“Bye,” he echoed as he removed the phone from his ear, clicking the end call button before placing it back in his pocket and sure enough when he looked to the entrance of the parking lot again he saw her pull up. The roof of the red convertible VW beetle was down and when she pulled to a stop he could see her frantically try and sort her wind swept hair out in the rear view mirror. He watched as she opened the door, reached for her purse and then proceeded to loop it around her neck and left shoulder, letting it hang loosely on one hip before she slammed the door shut. She looked around momentarily before she obviously spotted him and walked in that direction and he had to keep a tight hold on Layla’s leash as she wagged her tail and whined in excitement of seeing the familiar face.

“Hi,” she said as she reached him but before he could reply she had bent down and was petting the dog. “Hello to you to,” she greeted in her best baby talk voice as she showed the excited dog some attention.

“Aren’t you hot in those?” Nick asked when she stood and brushed the dirt of the knees of her black sweat pants.

She sighed at his comment, it had been half the reason she was late. She had woken up this morning and she had just felt like her stomach had completely expanded, sure it had started to harden, yes she should have expected it but it was almost as if telling Nick and her family had caused this ballooning to happen. Then again maybe it was because she had practically lived in scrubs and sweats since she found out, the items of clothing loose, comfy let her wallow in her own self denial. None of her shorts would do up, she knew she wouldn’t feel comfy in a skirt if they were going to walk the dog, and her jeans had just been too uncomfortable when she had tried to squeeze herself into a pair. That had only left her with one option, her sweats and while the were comfy around her suddenly expanding waist line, they did nothing to hide the small protruding roundness. That hadn’t been the only thing she had noted a change in, her breasts seemed far fuller and god did the ache when she had woken up this morning. She had thought the would have been the first thing that he would have noticed but when she looked up to him after she finished wiping the dried earth from her sweats she realised she had caught him staring at her stomach.

“Nothing else fits,” she said softly, making him shift his gaze to her eyes a small smirk apparent on his face. “Don’t,” she warned.

“Don’t what?” he asked confused.

“Laugh at me.”

“I wasn’t, I…you’re pregnant it’s supposed to happen,” he told her.

“I know. Can we go towards the creek? I don’t think I wore the right shoes for the woods,” she asked as they both glanced down to her flip flop clad feet.

He chuckled as he looked back up at her, squinting in the midday sun before he said, “Sure.”

They walked in silence for a few minutes both unsure about what needed to be said, how to approach a situation as complicated as the one they were in and Adie had never felt so distanced from a person even though she was stood right next to him, only inches apart. She could feel the tears start to well up from behind her eyes and foolishly blamed it on the hormones racing through her ever changing body, totally ignoring the real reasons for her emotions as she fished into her bag for the sun glasses she knew were in there. It was when she went to put the case away she realised there was also another pair in there. A pair of Nick’s because he always forgot to take them and it would drive her insane with the amount of complaining and squinting he would do. She had totally forgotten that they were in there until now and so she pulled them out and handed them to him, knowing that he would want them.

He laughed slightly when he took them from her, “Guess some things never change huh?”

It was just a pair of sunglasses, a small insignificant item that you could live without if you really had to, but it got her thinking. How many small insignificant items did a baby need? What would happen if he forgot diapers? Formula? To check the temperature of the bath water? How would he cope with looking after a newborn or a toddler by himself? Because that was their reality. There would be no team work here, there would be no sharing late night feeds, diaper changes, it was going to be all then nothing. One of them was going to have the baby while the other didn’t, they wouldn’t be there to support each other and she knew for at least the first few months she was going to be the one with that baby, she had one thing he didn’t and she wanted to breast feed. Was that really fair to him? To steal those first weeks away from him? Was it really fair to her? To be constantly there for a newborn with no support? How the hell were they supposed to work this out because she couldn’t see it getting any easier the further time went on either, who would their baby spend Christmas with? Birthdays?

“I heard Rach kind of chewed you out yesterday,” he said breaking her from her thoughts.

“Yeah,” she scoffed.

“What about your folks? How did they take the news?” He asked as they strolled along the water’s edge.

“Kind of shocked but my Dad’s excited said that if she’s born on his birthday it would be the best present, I think that kind of tipped Rach over the edge.”

“Alex said she’s moody a lot at the moment, said he found her sobbing at an infomercial the other day and the ten minutes later she was cussing out the dishwasher when it wouldn’t start.”

“He said that he’s giving her the benefit of the doubt at the moment,” she told him with a small laugh, a sound that quickly stopped with his next comment.

“Should I be doing that with you?”

She stayed quiet and carried on walking not realising he hadn’t followed her until she was at least twelve paces away from him and when she looked back she saw him lean down and take Layla off the leash so she could have a swim, a favourite past time of hers. She spotted a bench not too far away and headed towards it, crossing her arms across her chest as she sat down and waited for him to catch her up. He sat down next to her and placed the leash in the floor at his feet.

“How is this going to work?” He asked as he stared out across the expanse of water before them.

“I don’t know,” was the only reply she could think of.

“I don’t want to be a weekend Dad, I don’t want to argue with you at Christmas’s or Birthday’s, I don’t…I don’t want the only time that I am going to see you be when I’m picking her up or dropping her off. I don’t want to miss the first smile, the first tooth, the first crawl, the first steps. I want to be with you through all of this, I want you to wake me up in the middle of the night because you have a hankering for ice cream, I want to see you sobbing at infomercials one minute then be bitching at me the next,” he said reaching for her hand but she pulled away quickly. “Why don’t you want that?”

“It just won’t work.”

“That’s bullshit Adie and you know it. Four months ago you were unhappy because I wouldn’t commit to you, because I said I was unsure if I wanted to have kids but here I am ready and willing and you still push me away, I can’t win with you. I know I have been closed off but I was trying, I was making an effort and maybe it wasn’t quick enough for you but I was trying.”

“You don’t want this,” she stated.

“Stop telling me what I fucking want and don’t want!” He almost hissed making her tense at a tone she had never heard from him.

“Look Nick I haven’t come here to try and work on us, I’ve come here to try and work out how this is all going to work okay? I’m more than happy for you to be a part of her life, but that’s it, you can be a part of her life, not mine. We’re over, that part of our lives is finished and nothing you say to me is going to change that,” she told him quite harshly but if it was the only way he was going to get the message then so be it.

She could feel his stare on her even though she was looking dead ahead out at the water and she expected for some smart retort, some argument against what she had just told him but he just shook his head and pushed himself up from the bench, walking away from her, whistling to Layla who quickly swam back to the shore line. She sighed deeply and watched as he picked up a stick throwing it out into the water, Layla swimming eagerly to get it. She was so tempted to just get up and walk in the opposite direction back to her car but she knew that she needed to make him see today, she knew they had to come up with something and so she lent down and picked up the leash he had left on the floor and took off after him.

“I love you, doesn’t that mean anything?” He asked softly when she reached him.

“I have an doctors appointment on Thursday it’s at ten am, you can come if you want,” she offered, ignoring his last comment.

“I don’t believe you can fall out of love with someone as quickly as you have unless you never really loved them at all. Did you never really love me?” He asked.

“It’s not about love.”

“Then what is it about?” he asked again, throwing the stick when Layla had retrieved it.

“Protecting her,” she whispered.

“From me?” he asked turning his head to Adie and she didn’t miss the hurt that flashed through his blue eyes.

She shook her head, “No, from us, from all the fighting and arguing.”

“What happened to you?” He asked staring her down.

“What?” She asked confused.

“What happened? You used to be the most positive person I knew, you had a great upbringing with great parents it’s not like you’ve witnessed first hand a bitter divorce, so why so pessimistic all of a sudden? Did I do that to you?” he asked.

“No. No it wasn’t you,” she told him knowing instantly she had given away too much.

“But it was somebody?”

“Are you going to come on Thursday or not?” She asked trying to change the subject.

“Of course I am. So this is it? This is how our lives our going to be?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“I meant what I said you know. I will get you back, no matter how long it takes,” he told her firmly.

“I have to go,” she said turning on her heel but he grabbed her arm softly stopping her and for a moment she thought he was going to pull her into a kiss again but he didn’t.

“Wait…there’s something I need to give you, it’s in the car,” he said whistling to Layla again before he started heading in the direction of the car, knowing that, at least for today, she was a lost cause and it was better to let her go rather then run the risk of pushing her further away. They walked the five minute journey back to their cars in silence, and when they were five feet from his car he unlocked it leaving her to wait for him. He reappeared a few moments later with three leather bound books and instantly she knew what they were. She had seen him writing in them ever since they had moved in together but she had never questioned him about them, had never tried to find where he kept them even though she had so desperately wanted to see what he had been writing.

“Are you sure you want me to have these?” She asked taking them from him.

“Yeah. Read them.”

“Okay. So I’ll see you Thursday?” She asked.

“Yeah, do you want me to pick you up?” He asked as he opened the trunk so Layla could jump in.

“Erm no I can meet you there,” she said as she clutched the diaries close to her chest.

“Fine, I’ll see you Thursday,” he said as he watched her walk the short distance to her own car. She waved bye before starting the engine and moving out of her space and two minutes later her shiny red car had left his sight of vision and he slumped back against the door of his own car with a sigh. A twenty minute encounter with her had left him feeling drained and yet nothing had changed, she was still adament that nothing was going to change between them. He looked at his watch it was only twelve fifteen, there was no way he wanted to go home yet and so he opened the trunk door again and Layla hoped out.

“Come on, lets go for a run,” he said as he clipped her leash to her collar before closing the trunk and locking the car.

***

She looked at her watch as she sat in traffic, barely twelve thirty, their encounter couldn’t have lasted more the fifteen minutes tops. She wiped at the tear that spilled past her sunglasses and tried to pull herself together, wanting to kick herself at alost giving away too much.

How could one person do this to her? Make her question everything? She thought she had gotten past all that, gotten over what had happened so long ago but this was almost as if history was repeating itself, yes the situation was slightly different but the outcome was the same, she was still hurting just as badly. The main difference was that this time she would have the baby and this time she wouldn’t be the only one that was hurting, he would be too.

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes

Song: Whatever it takes - Life house - Recommended by Yara!

Adie re-read the last sentence of Nick’s scrawl and with a sigh closed the diary letting it rest on her lap as she took in what the first journal entry had to offer. As soon as she had returned home from their rendezvous at the creek she had quickly made herself a cup of tea and sat in the living room. It had taken her almost an hour to pluck up the courage to read the first entry though and she wasn’t sure why. Maybe it was due to the fact that he had finally decided to let her in, maybe it was because it might open doors to things she thought she had closed off, maybe it would make her realise that he wasn’t the only one to blame here?

She knew he had entries back further than this, she had seen him writing them when he had visited her the summer previous to this entry, maybe those thoughts weren’t as important though. That entry had told her a lot, he felt alone, angry at Kevin for getting his hopes up only to dash them. The most riveting piece of information had been his confession at the end though because he had known, right at the start of their relationship that he was holding back and from what he had written she realised it wasn’t a purposeful thing. He himself had hoped that it was something he would be able to work on over time, something he had started to do by asking her to join him in therapy.

She had rejected that invite though. Therapy…that one word sent a shiver down her whole body. She knew that although he thought his therapist would want to get him to open up it wouldn’t just be a one way street. She would also have to participate and by doing that would mean releasing skeletons locked long ago in the closet. Skeletons that needed to remain there!

***

Adie ran her hand over the last smudged sentence and knew the words were blurred because of tears that had been spilled when the entry had been written. She knew the entry was incomplete because Angel hadn’t been mentioned but it was obvious from what the last sentence read that continuing writing had been too hard. She had no idea he felt like that, no idea that he used to cry himself to sleep. It just didn’t seem to fit the Nick that she knew, he was big and strong and never ever cried, but yet here was the hard evidence that he did, and it made her wonder whether he had cried recently.

Was it wrong for her to wish that he had been crying over her? Was she really worth his tears?

She had to put the journal down at that point, because he revelation of forever made her cry to the point where Chelle found her sobbing on the couch. When Chelle questioned her she just thrust the open book into her friends hands and pointed, crying even harder when Chelle finished reading aloud.

“Go back to him Aid. Go back to him and tell him you made a mistake.”

“I can’t,” she said as she tried to calm herself.

“Yes you can,” Chelle prompted.

“I can’t because I’m…I don’t know how to be perfect for him,” she sniffed.

“Nobody’s perfect, trust me I think Nick knows that.”

“There’s stuff he doesn’t know, stuff he’ll hate me for,” she admitted.

“Like what?” Chelle questioned taking her friends hand.

Adie turned her head away though and tugged her hand free, “I can’t tell you.”

“I’m your best friend,” Chelle said somewhat hurt that Adie couldn’t confide in her.

“I…nobody knows,” she admitted.

“And it looks like it’s eating you alive. If that’s what’s holding you back, stopping you from being with him…look he loves you, from what I’ve just read he’s loved you for a long time but he was scared to tell you…forever is a lot Adie and he isn’t just saying this because he feels he has to, this was his private journal, something he probably thought only he would look at. You don’t write lies in them. If he loves you that much he’ll get over whatever it was that you did or didn’t do but you need to give him that chance. I think you will regret it if you don’t.”

***

There was that word again.

Forever.

Was that really sustainable? Could they really do forever? Would he still see her in the same light if she was honest with him? Would he still want forever then? Could she really bare it if he couldn’t?

***

One entry, only five lines long but it told her more then any of the others had. He knew, just like she had, from that fateful day that it was all going to crumble. He just didn’t realise and neither had she that it wasn’t because of him, it was all down to her. Sure at first she had thought it was because of his lack of commitment, his lack of trust, his reluctance to open up to her but in reality that had all been transference. She was the problem.

This whole pregnancy, the whole circumstances in which things had happened seemed to be history repeating itself but this time she had been the one to call the shots, she had been the one to cause the heart ache and in doing that, in trying to protect herself she had just made her heart break even further.

She wasn’t sure if it would ever be repairable.

***

She shivered as the cold gel was squirted onto her stomach.

“You okay?” Nick asked seeing her reaction.

“It’s just cold,” she smiled making him smile back to her but his attention quickly turned to the screen when the strong whooshing sound could be heard.

“There she is,” Dr MacManus said, pointing out different things to the awaiting parents but Adie zoned out on what she was saying, it was stuff she had heard before and slowly she turned her gaze towards Nick, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He didn’t, he was so transfixed on the screen before him, his eyes a glow like a little kid on Christmas as he was talked through the image. She wanted so badly to reach out and run her hand through his hair, to grab for his hand but she stopped herself, she couldn’t do that, not yet, not before he knew the truth. Would he still let her do that though? When he knew what she had done would he still be able to love her forever?

“Adie?” She heard her name called and turned back to the Doctor.

“Sorry?”

“How are you feeling? Any cramping? Bleeding?”

“No none.”

“Okay. Then I don’t see any reason why you can’t go back to work if your feeling up to it, just no traumas okay?” She said as she wiped the gel from her patients stomach. “Now Nick any medical problems on your side of the family we should know about? Diabetes? Asthma? Heart disease?”

“Not that I know of,” he shrugged.

“Adie?”

“My Dad had a heart attack a few years back but apart from that I can’t think of any thing,” she said as she hoped down from the gurney and sat beside Nick as Dr MacManus sat behind her desk marking a few things down on her chart.

“And this is your first pregnancy?”

There it was. Her opportunity for the truth to come spilling out, for him to finally know. She considered lying but all she kept hearing in the back of her mind was what Chelle had told her.

“No, it’s my second.”

Chapter Thirty

Nick knew she couldn’t have left because he was sat on the hood of her car but it had been almost an hour since he had walked out of the consultation room. She hadn’t even tried to stop him, hadn’t even looked at him as she dropped the second piece of life changing news on him in less then a month. He had sat open mouthed for about a minute before the room just felt too hot, too claustrophobic and he knew he just had to get out of there, and so without excusing himself he just got up and left.

She didn’t even look at him when he reached the door, didn’t even ask him to stop. This was her second pregnancy, her second baby and he was only just finding out about it now, they had been together for…well it would have been four years in eight weeks and she had kept something this huge from him. If she could hold something like that back what else was she hiding? He glanced down at his watch again and sighed heavily hoping that she would soon appear because he was getting restless in the midday sun, he couldn’t take the chance of running to the rest room though because he knew she might be watching, waiting for him to leave so she could make her escape. He definitely wasn’t going to let her though, he wanted an explanation.

He glanced over to the main entrance of the hospital and spotted her immediately, he knew he had been spotted too because she just seemed to sink into herself, her sunglasses coming down from the top of her head to cover her guilty eyes. She didn’t look at him as she approached, her gaze on her own feet, on the wing mirror of the car, anywhere but him and she quickly pointed her key at the car and unlocked it with the remote. He let her get as far as opening the door before he said something.

“You just gona drive off with me still on the hood?” He asked sarcastically.

She brushed a stray piece of her long dark hair behind one ear as she told him, “You sure as hell didn’t seem to want to stick around earlier.”

“What the hell did you expect? Twice Adie, that’s twice I have been humiliated in front of that Doctor,” he said low and harsh.

“Oh I’m sorry I forgot that this is all about you Nick,” she replied sarcastically as she got into the car.

“You’ve just proved my point again Adrianna,” he said as he got up of the hood and leant down to her level, his arms resting on the roof of the car.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Why? I might as well because I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where my Adie is,” he admitted. She had to look away from his questioning eyes at his last statement because she didn’t trust herself not to cry. “When you decide you want to be totally honest with me, you know where I am,” he said as he stood up straight and begun to walk away, his last statement enough to make Adie see red.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” she yelled, getting out of the car and slamming the door shut in anger, making a few passers-by turn in their direction. He stopped abruptly but didn’t turn round as she continued, “You haven’t exactly been all open and honest with me have you? You haven’t let me in but now all of a sudden…Nick’s got a taste of his own medicine and has realised how bitter it really is!”

“I WAS TRYING!” He yelled back, turning to face her. She had never seen him so red in the face with anger. “I never kept anything this big from you.”

“What about forever Nick? Did you once ever tell me you wanted me forever?!”

His face softened at her words, all the tension visibly draining from his body but when he took a step towards her she took one back, crossing her arms over her chest in a vain attempt to protect herself.

“You’ve read them?” He asked.

“The first one yeah,” she admitted a tear spilling out from underneath her glasses. She had hoped he hadn’t seen it, that the sun beating down in his eyes had marred his vision but she knew as soon as he called her by her nickname he had seen.

“Sugar puff,” he sighed edging nearer and she couldn’t back away this time because he had managed to back her up against the car.

“Don’t…don’t call me that!” She said remembering the time he had first bestowed the nickname on her. It had been the first time when they had spent a whole week together, one of the first times he had come out to stay with her in Nashville after the tour had wrapped up and she hadn’t been able to hide her addiction for the sugary cereal from him. He had opened the door to the cupboard where she kept all the cereal and had stumbled across four boxes of the stuff, ever since then she had been his sugar puff. He reached out his hand to cup her cheek but she forceful pushed him back, “I said don’t!”

He pulled away at the harshness of her words and watched as she quickly situated herself in the car again and before he knew it he was left in the dust of her tyres. He slowly made his way back to his own car, all the while thinking how everything he tried just seem to push her further and further away, turn her more into this person who he didn’t know. He was loosing her and he knew that she was almost to the point of no return, it was like she had turned over night into this complete stranger before his eyes, yet there were still traces of his Adie that he could see if he looked hard enough. Her eyes were still the key to her soul, to her heart, the dark pools of brown that could still melt his anger away with one stray tear, the way she would cock her head to the side when she was considering what he was saying, the way she whispered forever because that one word had truly gotten under her skin. She was still there, trapped inside an icy cold exterior was the warm hearted, kind, caring compassionate women he had fallen in love with, he just needed to find her again.

***

She didn’t know how she had managed to drive the distance she had without getting in a wreck, because emotionally that was what she was, a huge wreck. She looked at the house in front of her, it was blurred by tears but she could still make out the number seven by the door, the numbers of the licence plates of the cars which signalled that they were both in and she wondered to herself why on earth she had chosen there of all places. She was just about to restart the ignition, to drive away so she could wallow in her own self misery when her cell phone began to vibrate and when she looked at the caller I.D she knew she had been spotted and that escape was now not an option.

“If you’re planning on sitting in the car all day you might want to put the top down so you at least get a tan.” Typical of Rachel to joke and be sarcastic when she was pissed off.

“I don’t know why I’m here,” Adie admitted.

“Because I’m your big sister and I’m forced to love you by law no matter how stupid you are,” Rachel again deadpanned, it even managed to make Adie crack a small smile and that was something of a feat. “Front door is open,” Rachel offered and sure enough when Adie looked her huge bellied, rather uncomfortable looking sister was stood holding the large oak door open. She quickly hung up the phone and threw it in her purse before she opened the door to her car and got out. Later on when Adie thought back she wouldn’t recall how she fled up the path to her sister, she wouldn’t know how she ended up in Rachel embrace, all she would remember would be how she sobbed into her sisters shoulder.

***

Nick pulled into the pick up and drop off point at the airport and was greeted by a very pissed off looking Angel. Her eyes zeroed in on Nick as he hoped out of the Range Rover and she didn’t even crack a smile when he went to wrap his arms around her.

“I can’t believe you forgot me,” She pouted as she conceded and hugged her big brother back.

“I didn’t forget!” He tried to protest but they both knew he was lying as he pulled back from her.

“Don’t lie! You so forgot! I mean I expect that from you but I thought Adie would have at least reminded you. What? What I say?” She asked when she noticed Nick expression at the mere mention of Adie’s name.

“She left me,” he admitted softly, dropping his eyes to the floor, grabbing her bags and hauling them round to the trunk before she could say anything more. She met up with him a few moments later, full of questions as she got inside the car where he was already sat.

“What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

He remained quiet as he turned on the ignition and pulled away into the surrounding Friday afternoon traffic that surrounded the airport. He didn’t want to talk about it, at the moment he didn’t want to think about it because it meant thinking about how deceitful she had been, about how different she had turned out to be, how she wasn’t the Adie he knew.

“Don’t shrug me off Nick,” Angel warned him.

His tone was angry, harsh and he knew the only reason he was getting angry at his Sister was because he had let Adie drive off earlier. “What do you want me to say? You were right?! Well there you go Angel now you can fucking gloat and say you were!”

“Nick…I…I’d never do that. I just want to help,” she said her tone softening as she shifted in her seat so she was facing him, he kept his face forward though, focusing on the non moving traffic, turning up the radio.

He should have remembered she was coming, should have called and made excuses and cancelled on her he had been to preoccupied though and now he had to tell her how he fucked up yet again. Then again had he fucked up? Adie had been the one to leave, Adie had been the one to keep the secrets. He tried to shake the thoughts from his head, but all he kept hearing was her admission, all he could see was the way the doctor looked at him when his shock at the news was obviously plastered on his face, all he could feel was the cool rush of air as she had sped away without an explanation. He just needed to shut off his mind from it all for a few hours but he just couldn’t because every time he tried something always reminded him of it. Be it a photo, someone else wearing the same perfume, a television show or, like right now, a song on the radio.

“Baby's good to me, you know,
She's happy as can be, you know,
She said so.
I'm in love with her and I feel fine.

Baby says she's mine, you know,
She tells me all the time, you know,
She said so.
I'm in love with her and I feel fine.

I'm so glad that she's my little girl.
She's so glad, she's telling all the world.

That her baby buys her things, you know.
He buys her diamond rings, you know,
She said so.
She's in love with m-”

He quickly flicked the radio off before it managed to get into the second chorus plunging the car into silence. That song hardly ever got air play was it just god being cruel to play their song now? He remembered the day she had proclaimed it as theirs, it had been at one of her friends birthday parties, a sixties theme he could still remember the mini skirt she wore, the bright colours of her eye shadow framing her dark eyes, the way she had pulled him onto the dance floor when any Beatles song had come on. He remembered the way she had changed the lyrics so she was singing it to him.

He should have been so mad at her, but yet here he was reduced to tears when he heard their song. How messed up was that?

“Pull over,” Angel told him firmly as she leant across and flicked the indicator.

“What?” He asked as he switched it back off, trying to compose himself before any more silent tears fell.

“Pull over Nick.”

He sighed at her insistence but did as she said, switching off the engine after he had bought the car to a stop. He watched as Angel got out of the car and walked round the front to his side opening his door.

“What are you doing?” He asked unbuckling his seat belt.

“I’m driving, you are too lost in your head to drive.”

Less then five minutes later they were back on the road and Nick knew that eventually he would have to open up to Angel about it, tell her everything, after all she was going to be an Aunt in five months.

“It was a month ago,” he offered.

She was quiet for a moment and at first he thought she hadn’t heard him because he had spoken so softly but when she sighed he knew she had.

“Why didn’t you call me?” She asked and he could tell that she was hurt he hadn’t.

“Because…I didn’t want to admit that I had failed again, that I had done exactly what you said I would do,” he admitted.

“So did she give you a reason?” She asked.

“I just found her gone when I got back from the last leg of the tour, rocked up home to an empty house and a note saying that she couldn’t do it anymore, that she had lost sight of who she was, that she was done waiting around for me.”

“Bitch.”

“Don’t. Don’t call her that,” Nick warned as he stared out of the window.

“Why? That’s such a heartless thing to do, she didn’t have to balls to do it face to face,” Angel vented angrily.

“It wasn’t the best thing to come home to but I still…I love her Angel and we’ve both done stuff wrong. I just want her back.”

“Have you told her that?” She asked.

“Yeah.” he nodded.

“Well what did she have to say?”

“She said it wouldn’t work, that we were both too different, she knows I’m not willing to compromise and neither is she were the rest of her life is concerned, she said things would be too complicated, that I would end up resenting her for it,” Nick told her getting ahead of himself.

“You’d resent her for getting back together again? That doesn’t make any sense,” Angel said confused.

Nick sighed as he looked out the window to his right, “I’m going to be a Dad.”

“What?!” Angel asked shocked.

“Adie’s four months pregnant,” he shared.

“How long have you known?”

“Little under a week.”

“So…god I wasn’t expecting that,” Angel admitted.

“Yeah me either,” Nick said looking to her, small chuckle even escaping.

“How…are you okay with it? I mean…this is…” Angel stammered.

“Jesus have I finally made you lost for words?” Nick joked.

“Ha fucking ha!”

“I was shocked at first but now…Adie had a sonogram today, it was amazing Angel, it was one of the 4D ones, you could see everything, her little face, her little nose, tiny fingers, it looked like she was waving halfway through,” he beamed.

“She?” Angel questioned.

“Yep I’m going to have a daughter,” he told her his smile growing even wider.

“You’re really excited about this aren’t you?” Angel asked with a smile.

He nodded, “Yeah. I never ever thought I would be, but now that it’s happened and I’ve heard her heartbeat, seen her moving…it’s really difficult to describe how I feel but I’m okay with it, I’m more then okay with it. Adie doesn’t believe me though, not that I can really blame her.”

“So you’ve told her you’re okay with it?” Angel asked as she pulled into Nick’s street.

“Yeah. I’ve told her I want to be involved, that I want us to be a family but she…she says that I can be as involved as I want in the baby’s life but that’s it…we’re finished,” he said getting slightly choked as he rehashed that fight in his mind.

“You’ll get her back.”

“I hope so Angel, God I hope so.”

***

Adie had received the phone call at six am.

Little Max Mclean had made his way into the world at five thirty am, three weeks ahead of schedule and of course it had taken Alex almost five minutes to compose himself enough to tell her all the details through his happy tears but now she was fully updated. Her nephew had arrived after a relatively quick labour of four hours and thirteen minutes, he weighed seven pounds and three ounces, was twenty one inches long and had a set of lungs if the crying Adie had heard in the background had been anything to go by. Rachel was fine, made it through with gas and air and wanted Adie to come and meet her nephew as soon as visiting hours allowed. She had promised to be there as soon as she could and hung up the phone with a smile across her face as she placed her hand to her stomach, feeling how hard it was due to her own baby being in there.

She laid back down in bed hoping to get at least a couple more hours sleep but it was futile because she hadn’t really slept well at all. She had spent most of the previous afternoon and evening with Alex and Rachel. She had managed to compose herself enough to tell Rachel everything, about the previous pregnancy, about the father, about the abortion so had felt so guilty for ever since. Rachel had been slightly shocked to say the least but after Adie had spilled all it was clear to her sister why she was avoiding Nick’s advances about getting back together and being a family. She had managed to convince Adie that Nick needed to know about her past, that he deserved an explanation and then maybe he would also understand.

Rachel had tried to convince her that it wouldn’t matter to Nick, that he would understand and that it was pointless for Adie to be punishing herself in this way because she wasn’t only doing it to herself, she was involving Nick and their unborn daughter and that really wasn’t fair. Although Adie could see her point she wasn’t so sure Nick would understand, she wasn’t convinced that he would see past it and still look at her in the same light, she would still have to tell him though because Chelle had been right, this secret had been eating her alive for years.

She heard a knock at her bedroom door and yelled for Chelle to come on in, smiling at her friend when she joined her in bed.

“Didn’t know whether you would be up.”

“Not really sleeping great at the moment,” Adie admitted.

“You should be getting all the sleep you can.”

“I know. Hey guess what?” Adie asked turning to her friend with a smile.

“What?”

“I have a nephew.”

“Rachel had a boy?! When? What’s his name?” Chelle asked excitedly.

“At just after five thirty this morning, his name is Max and he weighed seven pound three, Alex was bawling like a baby when he called me,” She smiled.

“Won’t be long until I’m getting a phone call like that from Nick,” Chelle replied quickly, her smile dropping when she realised what she had said. “Sorry…I didn’t-”

“It’s fine,” Adie said quickly looking down at her hands in her lap.

“Have you felt any movement yet?” Chelle asked trying to change the subject.

“I’m not sure. It’s not like a definite kick but I get like butterflies sometimes and that’s how they describe it in the book so maybe all I know is that nothing seems to fit anymore then again I’m thankful the morning sickness has stopped.”

“The joys of being pregnant,” Chelle laughed.

“Tell me about it!”

***

Nick peered over Stuart’s shoulder as he held his Grandson and was just blown away by this new person. Completely new, fresh, innocent and unaware of the trials he would face in life. He was wrapped from head to toe in a baby blue blanket, a royal blue hat sat upon his tiny head, his skin tone was dark but then again both Rachel and Alex had olive skin tones, his eyes were closed as he contently slept, his lips occasionally making a sucking motion, which made Nick smile. He wondered what his own baby would look like, would she take after Adie and be ask dark as Max or would she be fair like him? Would she be bigger or smaller? Would she be this contented?

He made himself pull away and walked over to Rachel wrapping her in a big hug as he told her, “He’s gorgeous which means he takes after you so that’s something to be thankful for, oww!” He rubbed his head after the soft toy bounced off it.

“Oh shut up it was a child’s soft toy!” Alex exclaimed.

“He is gorgeous but I’m biased because I’m his Mother,” she said smiling contently as she rested back into the pillows behind her.

“Won’t be long before we’ll be back here again though,” Izzy reminded, smiling brightly at Nick before she took yet another picture of Max. “Are you going to hold him Nick?”

“Sure,” he said as he placed his jacket on the end of Rachel’s bed, accepting the baby as Stuart passed Max to him. He shifted the baby around gently in his arms until he felt comfortable with supporting his head and the rest of his body, gently “sshing” him when he started to fuss from the switch. Conversation between Angel, Alex, Rachel and her Father flowed easily around him but he wasn’t really paying attention to any of it, his whole focus on the child in his arms. He slowly walked around the room, ending up by the window as he thought more and more what he would feel like when he was holding his own child, how amazing it was going to be and how privileged he was to be able to watch and new life that he had helped to create grow and develop.

His thoughts weren’t all positive though because he knew it was going to be far from easy to raise a child between two homes, to look after her on his own for the first few weeks of her life, when she was teething or when she was sick. That was when it hit him hard, he probably wouldn’t get to look after her for the first few months of her life, if Adie chose to breast feed, which he knew she would, she would have to be with her twenty four seven. He was going to miss out on so much, how difficult would it be to get to know her with stolen hours here and there?

“You look deep in thought,” Izzy said coming up beside him at the window.

“It’s going to be a lot different when we’re all here next,” he stated.

“How so?” She asked.

“Can you really see me and Adie being like that?” He said nodding his head over to Alex and Rachel. The whole time Nick had been there they had been touching in some way or another, holding hands, smiling whispering things to each other. Just generally enjoying each other and their son.

“Things might change Nick.”

“She’s too stubborn.”

“She gets that from her Father. Why are you laughing Nickolas?” She asked indignantly, her eyes narrowing and to Nick it was just like staring at Adie when she got that look on her face. Adie had definitely inherited her Mother’s dark, passionate and expressive eyes, Izzy’s held slightly more wisdom, there were a few fine lines, probably from all the worrying she had done about her girls but other then that they were exactly the same.

“Because she’s told me she gets it from you. Shhhhh, shhhhhhh,” he whispered as Max began to fuss again and when it didn’t work he lifted the baby so his head was resting in the crook of Nick’s shoulder, the change in positioning calming the baby instantly. “Is that better?” Nick asked as he leant his head down slightly to place a small kiss to Max’s hat covered head.

“You’re going to be a great Daddy Nick,” Izzy said softly as she smiled warmly at him whilst stroking Max’s back.

***

No one had noticed her yet and so she quickly back tracked out of the room and leant against the wall for some support, trying to take in what she had just seen before her. It was like her life had flashed forward by five months because when she saw Nick with Max it made her heart ache. The way in which he was holding him, the way he tenderly spoke to him, the way he softly leant his head down so he could place a small kiss on the child’s head it wasn’t what she had expected at all. She had thought he would be reluctant to hold him, scared of dropping him like he had been when they had visited Kevin and Kristin when Mason was a few weeks old but yet here he was with Max not even six hours old and he looked like a pro. Maybe he was ready. Who was she trying to kid, she knew he was ready, she had known he was ready from the moment he found out he was having a daughter.

She was the one who hadn’t been.

She took a deep breath in and turned back into the room, smiling brightly at Rachel when her sister spotted her.

“Congratulations,” She said as she wrapped her in a hug before turning to Alex and doing the same. “So where is my nephew?” She asked when she pulled back from the hug.

“Right here,” Nick said smiling to her when she looked over to him. She walked over to the window, saying her hi’s to her Parents along with an awkward one to Angel and before she knew it she was stood next to Nick peering up at the small infant nestled comfortably in his shoulder. He looked so tiny curled up against Nick’s large frame, the one hand the had escaped from the blanket resting against his small mouth.

“He’s gorgeous isn’t he?” Nick said and she nodded in agreement, finding it almost difficult to breath because she knew it would probably leave her in tears. “She will be too,” he said almost proudly as his eyes drifted to Adie’s round tummy. “Wanna hold him?”

“I uh need to use to bathroom first,” she lied, she just needed five more minutes to compose herself. She placed her bag on the edge of Rachel’s bed before she took off her jacket.

“Finally!” Rachel exclaimed making everyone look to her in confusion, “I can start calling you fatty now!”

Adie glanced down at her belly along with everyone else and laughed at her sisters comment. “I’m growing all right.”

“Well she is Nick’s so she’s going to be a big baby,” Alex deadpanned.

“Oh haha you are such a comedian,” Nick whined with a roll of his eyes.

“I’ll be back in a second,” Adie said as she walked out of the room and down to the bathrooms, she didn’t go into the stall though, just leant against the sinks and she stared at her reflection in the mirror. She was just about to splash some water on her face when the door opened again and she looked through the mirror and caught Angel glancing back at her. Adie smiled awkwardly as she turned round to face one of the youngest Carter’s who was a lot wiser for her age the most people expected.

“I saw they way you looked at him when you first came in,” She sated. “You can have that Adie, he’s ready and he’s excited and you guys could be really happy together.”

“It’s complicated Angel.”

“It’s only as complicated as you make it. I know Nick is holding back on a few things and that I don’t know everything that’s going on right now but you have the ability to make him happy here, to make yourself happy. You have the ability to give him the family that he always wanted when we were growing up. You can show him how great life really is and that you don’t have to repeat the same mistakes our parents did. Please don’t steal that from him, don’t let him turn back into the jerk he was when they were getting divorced, don’t let him close off completely.”

“We’re too different,” Adie tried.

“No you’re not. To do this to him is one thing but are you really sure you want to steal your babies family away from her? At some point she is going to find out what happened between you two and at some point she’ll realise that you were the one that stopped her from having a complete family and she’ll end up resenting you for it.” With that said Angel walked into the stall and closed the door leaving Adie to contemplate what had been said as she walked back towards her sisters room.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she almost bumped directly into Nick when he walked out of the room.

“Sorry,” She apologised.

“It’s okay,” he shrugged. “Have you seen Angel?”

“Bathroom.”

“Are you okay?” He asked noticing her subdued mood.

“Fine.”

“What did she say to you?” He sighed as he leant against the wall.

“Nothing.”

“If she upset you I want to know,” he told her firmly.

“She didn’t. Are you leaving?” She asked noticing how he had his coat in his hand.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll uh give you a call in a couple of days, let you know when the next doctors appointment is.”

“Thanks, I’ll see you later,” he said as he walked in the direction of the bathrooms. She watched until he was out of her line of sight and then entered the room, smiling at Rachel and wrapping her arm around her as she perched herself down on the bed.

“What was it like?” Adie asked.

“Painful,” Rachel said making her sister roll her eyes.

“I already know that.”

“It was amazing. When he was out and he cried…” she said shaking her head in amazement, “…it didn’t matter that I had been in agony. When I held him…he looked up and me straight away with these big eyes and I’m hooked I never thought in a million years I could love someone that unconditionally that quick but I do. It’s amazing and it makes me so excited for you. You gona hold him? I’m not sure how much more battery life Mom has left in the camera,” Rachel joked.

“She bought two sets of spares,” Their Father told them.

Adie gently took the baby out of his Father’s arms when he was offered and snuggled him close to her chest, “Look at you,” she said as she softly stroked a finger down his cheek. “Oh hi,” she said with a smile when Max opened his eyes to look at her. She looked eyes with the newborn, flashes of seeing Nick with him also flooding her mind and all of a sudden she found herself sobbing. Alex lifted Max out of her arms before Rachel wrapped her arms tightly around her sister.

“Go and talk to him.”

***

It had taken Adie almost half an hour to be able to calm herself enough so she could drive and when she had gotten into the car it had been so stifling hot she had had to put the top down so she wouldn’t overheat.

That had been mistake number one.

She was halfway through her journey when she could see the clouds in the distance, dark and encroaching and she had just hoped that it would hold off for the last fifteen minutes of the journey without her having to stop again. Luck hadn’t been on her side though and it the heavens literally opened, almost soaking her within the matter of seconds it took for her to pull over and get the roof back up.

Mistake number two was pulling over onto a grassy verge.

It been raining so heavily during the night that the grass had become boggy, the weight from the car making the back tires sink slightly, making it virtually impossible for her to get out without being towed, her futile attempts wedging her in further. She angrily hit against the steering wheel making the horn sound as she herself let out a frustrated yell. She looked out of the window at the pouring rain knowing she had two choices, call triple A and get them to tow her out or walk in the pouring rain. She knew the first option was the most sensible but she also knew that in the time it took for them to get to her she would be able to convince herself she was making a mistake, that she would loose all confidence in going to Nick and being completely honest with him. So she grabbed her bag, found her umbrella and got out of the car into the pouring rain, starting what would be the forty minute walk as soon as she locked the car.

When her umbrella wouldn’t stay up she decided that this was God’s payback and when she approached the next trashcan the useless item was thrown inside.

What should have felt like forever what with walking in the rain, felt like five minutes and before she knew it she was stood at the end of the driveway to the house she had once shared with him. She knew he was in because the car was in driveway, the studio light on the first floor also on due to the rain clouds occluding the light from the sun making the day appear so dim.

It would have been so easy to just carry on walking, to avoid him and leave this for another day. She had been taking the easy road for too long though and now she needed to do something that was going to be incredibly difficult. She just hoped he would still feel the same way after he knew because she didn’t know what she was going to do if he didn’t.

So with a deep breath she walked up the pathway, up the porch steps and raised her finger to the bell. It took her a good two minutes to find the courage to actually make it ring and when she heard it’s loud sound followed by Layla’s bark she regretted pushing it, wondering if she could make it out of sight before he got the door. She shook her head at herself and remained were she was, her heart beating as fast and as loud as the sounds Nick made when he came bounding down the hardwood of the stairs and before she knew it he was stood in front of her.

“Adie?” He asked.

“I want to come home,” she mumbled as she wiped some moisture from her face, it could have been rain or it could have been tears she wasn’t sure, the only thing she knew was that he hadn’t heard her correctly because of how she mumbled.

“Yeah you can come in,” he said opening the door wider.

She shook her head at him before repeating, “No, I said I want to come home.”

Song Credits:

I Feel Fine - The Beatles

When it Rains - Paramore

When Nick had opened the door she had been the last person on earth he had expected to see. She was soaked, completely and utterly drenched, her dark hair hung heavily from her head, large drops of water falling from the ends and running of her leather jacket, she had dark rings around her eyes from where her makeup had run, he would later realise that was from tears and not just the rain, her jeans almost black from the amount of water they held.

He even had to say her name to make sure that it wasn’t some crazy illusion, “Adie?”

“I want to come -” He missed the last part because she trailed off into a mumble. He had hoped she had said back but he wasn’t holding his breath because he knew the logical end to that sentence would be come in and so he had opened the door wider to let her through, looking back to her questioningly when she didn’t make any move to enter. Typical of her to wait for a verbal invitation.

“Sure you can come in.”

She remained where she was, shaking her head before she said, “No, I said I want to come home.”

He stared at her dumbfounded for a moment because there was no way she could have said what he thought his ears had heard. There was no way she would cave in that easily, her mind had been made up, she had already told him firmly so many times that it couldn’t possibly be as easy as that. He watched as she wiped at her eyes, making the makeup smudge further across her face but he still didn’t move to do anything, it wasn’t until he realised how badly she was shivering, her teeth almost chattering that he made his move.

He stepped forward closing the small gap between them quickly and wrapped his arms around her shoulders pulling her into his chest as he placed a kiss to the side of her wet head. She clung to him, literally held him so tightly around the middle he thought he was going to find it hard to breath but he didn’t care, the only thing that mattered was that she was here in his arms where she belonged.

“I’m sorry, god I’m so sorry,” she whispered before so broke down crying. He didn’t say anything, all he did was hold her that bit tighter, loving the feeling of having her in his arms again, loving how different it felt because of the small bump where their daughter was lying was pressing against him. He kissed the side of her head again before he tried to pull away from her but she increased her grip almost as if she was afraid to let him go. He unwrapped one of her arms from around his waist and took her hand in his as he led her into the hallway of the house, closing the door behind them to keep out the cold and rain.

He looked back to her once they were inside and the moment his eyes locked with hers she started crying uncontrollably again and all he could do was pull her to him to try and calm her. He just held her as she cried but after five minutes he knew the shaking she was doing wasn’t only from the emotion wracking her body but because she was so damn cold and wet. He needed to warm her, needed to get her out the wet clothes because he was now starting to feel the cold as her wet body seemed to leak onto him, his own t-shirt now sticking to him.

“You’re freezing,” He said as he peeled her sopping leather jacket from her arms and body, amazed by how heavy it now was. He hung it up on the banister of the stairs that stood behind before turning back to her. He drunk in the sight of her, her vest top completely stuck to her body, totally enhancing the roundness of her swollen tummy and he couldn’t help but smile. “You need a warm bath, c’mon,” he said taking her hand again leading her up the stairs towards their bedroom.

Her tears had quietened now but they were still falling and she didn’t say anything when he sat her down on the bed before he walked into the bathroom and began to run the water into the huge tub, adding a few of the bath salts she had left behind after she had left. That was when it really hit him that this was actually happening, he was running a bath for her because she was here, because she had just told him she wanted to come home, she was only a few feet away from him, sat on their bed. He took a shaky breath himself as he grabbed a towel and walked back into the bedroom to find her sat exactly where he had left her, her hand coming up to her cheek to wipe away the tears that were still falling. He sat down next to her again and softly began to wipe at her hair with the towel to try and soak up some of the rain water, and when he knew he wasn’t going to be able to make it any drier his hands went to the hem of her vest pulling it up over her head when she lifted her arms for him. She shivered more violently when the cold air hit her already cold chest and he quickly wrapped the towel around her shoulders before he bought her to his own chest again, rubbing his hands up and down her arms to try and conduct some heat.

A few moments later he lead her into the warmer bathroom and sat her down on the toilet as he busied himself with finishing off her bath.

“I’m going to go and make you a hot drink okay?” He said as he headed towards the door.

He stopped when he heard her call out to him, turning to face her.

“I love you,” she whispered.

He smiled brightly to her returning the sentiment, “I love you too. I’ll be right back okay?”

He made his way out of the bathroom, walked through the bedroom and made his way into the hallway, bumping into Angel as she walked out of the guest room she was staying in.

“Who was at the door?” She asked and eh couldn’t help but smile.

“Adie.”

“You’re smiling,” she noticed, her own small smile appearing.

“She’s having a bath. She wants to come home.”

“Really?!” She asked excitedly as leant forward and hugged him. “Just let me grab some food and water and I promise I will stay out of the way for the rest of the day!” She told him as she headed towards the stairs.

“You don’t have to do that,” he replied as he followed her down the stairs.

“Yeah I do, you need some time alone.”

***

Adie slipped into the warmth of the bath and she could instantly feel the soothing and calming effect the lavender bath bubbles were having on her. She reclined back and closed her eyes as she let herself sink lower until her head was completely submerged by water, she stayed that way until her lungs burned with their need for air and then she quickly resurfaced. She ran her hands over her face, wiping her eyes to clear the water from them as she rested her head back against the edge of the bath. She looked around the room realising that not a lot had changed since she had been there last, then again why would it? Everything was hidden in here anyway, when they had redecorated the master suite only a year before she had made sure there was enough storage space for everything to have it’s own place in the bathroom because she couldn’t stand to see half bottles of used product everywhere.

She looked to the cupboard that used to hold all her own toiletries and wondered whether it was still completely barren or whether he had filled it with anything, that then led her to wonder whether his clothes had over flowed to her side of the closet, whether there was still a few empty drawers in the office for her teaching aids and books. Could she possibly just move back in like nothing had happened? Refill those spaces with her stuff almost as if they had never been empty? Could it really be as simple as just asking to come back home like she had done not fifteen minutes ago? If Nick’s reaction was anything to go by maybe it was.

When he didn’t say anything she was afraid that she had left it too late, that his promise to wait as long as it took was a lie, that he was going to either laugh or shut the door in her face and leave her in the rain. That was what she deserved. She didn’t deserve the hug he had held her in, didn’t deserve the kisses she had received and she certainly didn’t deserve his tenderness in running her a bath, drying her off and making her a drink. She deserved to be left out in the cold alone to be treated exactly like she had treated him when she had walked out without a second glance.

She heard the door creak and when she turned her head he was stood, a cup of something steaming hot in his hands, a smile playing on his lips and she wondered how she could have ever left him when he could be this kind and caring. He could also be a real jerk at times though, just like she could be a real bitch when the mood took her, nobody was perfect, she knew that now, she just hoped that he knew it too because she knew he was going to see a different part of her, a part he might not like, but it was a part of her none the less.

“Getting warmer?” He asked as he handed her the cup which she gratefully took, smiling when she realised what it was.

“Yeah. Where’s my marshmallows?” She asked jokingly, nodding her head to the hot chocolate in her hands.

“I only have white ones left, you don’t like those,” he reminded.

“There’s some stuff I need to tell you,” Adie told him with a shaky breath.

“I know but it can wait for now. I’ll be downstairs okay?” he said running his finger down her tearstained, makeup smudged cheek.

“I won’t be long.”

“Take your time,” he said with a wink before he left her in the bathroom.

She took another deep breath in as she sunk a tiny bit lower, her chin just above the level of the water and then she bought the cup to her lips savouring the chocolaty taste. He wasn’t a very good cook, the only thing he could really cook was steak, he couldn’t iron without leaving a mark on the clothing and the last time she had left him hang a picture he had hammered his own thumb, but there was one thing he was definitely good at and that was making the best hot chocolate. Nick had told her that he had learnt from his grandmother but he wouldn’t tell her what the secret ingredient was in making it so chocolaty yet not sickly. She downed the cup almost instantly and moved so she could place the cup on the edge of the tub before she grabbed for the shampoo bottle to remove the rain from her hair.

Twenty minutes later the bath water was starting to loose it’s heat and she knew that it was time to get out, even if she still had no clue about what she was going to say to him, about how she was going to make him understand. She couldn’t stay in the tub forever though and so reluctantly she pulled the plug and watched as the water receded around her, letting it get as low as uncovering her thighs before she decided to move.

She towelled her hair semi dry and she walked into the closet and that was when it hit her. When she had been in the bathroom and in his arms it almost felt like she had never left, like the past month and a half had been a nightmare she had managed to wake up from. The half of the closet that was bare was a harsh reminder of what she had done and she turned her head away from its bareness quickly. She rooted through a few of Nick’s t-shirts, knowing that her clothes would still be far too wet to wear, and slipped on one of his Tampa Bay jerseys before walking to the chest of drawers and pulling out a pair of his boxers, putting them on as well. She spotted herself in the mirror as she walked out of the closet and realised what a state she looked, her eyes red and puffy, a few dark traces of makeup still remaining, her hair wet and knotted, her skin pale. She shook her head at herself with a little laugh, she looked like this and he still wanted her? God he must be crazy.

***

It had been half an hour since he had left her in the tub, and he was about to get neck ache from the way his head was moving back and forth from the TV to the stairs to see if she was making her way down. He needed an explanation and she had been willing to tell him earlier but he couldn’t stay in the bathroom with her, not when she was naked and exposed and venerable because he only had so much will power.

He heard as she made her way down the stairs, the floorboard on the fifth step creaking loudly as she made her way down and he quickly shut off the football game he had been watching. If he was honest he hadn’t been paying any attention, it was a distraction from just going into the bathroom and staring at her to make sure that this was all real and not some cruel trick his mind was playing on him. It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t because she was right in the hallway, he could see her through the mirror, she was in his favourite jersey, it looked so big on her, almost hanging to her knee, his large socks dwarfing her feet even though he knew she rooshed them down so they would stay on. He loved it when she would wear his clothes, she always looked so tiny and so comfy, so inviting. It didn’t matter if her face was clear of any makeup, if she had toothpaste covering her spots in a vain attempt to clear them up quicker because it reminded him of how normal she was and he needed that in his life.

She was leaning down into her bag but a few seconds later she pulled out what she had been looking for and dragged her brush through her still wet hair before she pulled it up into a messy bun. She dropped the brush back into her bag before she started walking in his direction and he shifted uncomfortably in his seat. She heisted at the doorway, leaning against the frame, almost as if she was too shy to enter any further without an invite.

“Feel better?” he asked and she nodded her head as she slowly made her way in to the living room, sitting down in the loveseat across the coffee table from him.

“I didn’t have any clothes,” she explained tugging at his jersey as she bought her legs up underneath her.

“You used to spend most of your time in mine anyway,” he reminded with a small smile. She however didn’t smile back, her eyes diverting away from his and down into her lap where her fingers played nervously with the hem of his jersey.

“I…uh…this is really difficult for me,” she said softly.

“Take your time, you don’t have to tell me everything today,” he reassured as he rested his elbow on the arm of the couch, his cheek resting in his hand.

“How can you be like this?” She asked hiccupping back her tears, glancing to him quickly before looking away again.

Nick frowned, “Like what?”

“So understanding about….everything. I wasn’t there for you Nick, when you needed more time, when you needed me to understand, I wasn’t there, I left you, god I left you,” she cried wiping away the tears that refused to stop falling. She held up her hand to him when he made a move to stand up and move beside her. “Please don’t…I just…I need to be honest with you and I don’t know whether I can do that with you next to me,” she told him honestly.

“Okay,” He nodded as he sat back down in his seat.

She was quiet for a few moments, her eyes closed or either in her lap and all he wanted to do was go to her and wrap her in his warm embrace, to tell her everything was going to be okay, to give her the confidence that he loved so much about her back, she was the only one who get that back though. He hated seeing the shell of the women he knew before him and all he wanted to know was what caused it or who caused it so he could go and beat the crap out of them.

“I had an abortion,” she told him softly, her eyes not meeting his.

He wanted to tell her that he was shocked, but in all honesty he had figured as soon as she had said that this wasn’t her first pregnancy, after all he didn’t suspect her of having a hidden child somewhere, that if she had miscarried he would have found out about it by now. The truth was he had been shocked that she would do something like that, she just didn’t seem to type to him, she always seemed so pro life, she had spent her whole adult life trying to protect and save the lives of others, of mainly children so he hadn’t understood how she could have so callously cut a life short before it had even begun. He had thought it about it a lot ever since he had found out she had been pregnant before and the more he did the more he had realised that there was a lot more behind it then what first met the eye, he just hadn’t realised how much it had effected her.

“When?” He asked when she offered up no more information.

Her eyes never left her hands which were still nervously picking at the hem of his jersey. “I was twenty two, it was back in London.”

London.

It explained a lot. It was where everything had come to a head between the two of them, where everything had finally fallen apart and instantly he knew what the catalyst was for it. He had suspected that Mark was to blame for how she had acted in London, and although he had been half right he had originally thought it was because she had regrets about leaving him. Now he knew different.

“Mark?” He asked and she nodded slowly.

“I thought he was going to be happy…but I was wrong. He told me that it wasn’t the best timing, and I knew he was right because I had only just qualified and I had no money, he was just S.H.O on crappy pay and long hours and because I wasn’t a citizen I didn’t qualify for the maternity pay until I worked there for two years. There was no way we could…he told me that after we were married-”

“You were engaged to him?” Nick asked at her admission.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me that before?” he asked.

“Because it didn’t matter.”

“Obviously it does,” he frowned.

“I was young and stupid and I believed him when he said he loved me. We we’re engaged for a week and then I found out I was pregnant. He was six years older then me, I was in a foreign country, I had just started my job and I thought I was doing it because it was the right thing to do. That he was saying those things because he cared about me and he wanted us to have the best life possible, but he…he…” she trailed off.

“He cheated on you,” Nick finished.

She nodded as she finally looked up to him, “He was supposed to pick me up from the clinic…I had to get the tube home because he didn’t show,” she said her voice breaking as she vainly wiped at the tears. “Three hours after…after I…I found him in fucking bed with Kelly,” she sobbed, covering her face with her hands. He watched her body rack from her sobs for a few seconds and then he made his way to her, pulling her into his arms when she tried to fight him off.

“Stop it,” he warned as she tried to push his arms away.

“I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve to be felt sorry for,” she cried.

“You don’t deserve the life time of guilt either Adie.”

“Yes I do. I could have told him that I was keeping it. I could have come home and had the baby because I know my parents would have helped me but I didn’t,” She hiccupped as she finally relented into his embrace.

“Nobody knew did they? You didn’t tell anyone?” He asked as he trailed his hand up and down her back, sighing when she shook her head no. “You’ve kept this to yourself for five years?”

“Yeah.”

“Sugar puff,” he sighed again as he placed a kiss to her head.

“Do you think…think that I’m a terrible…person,” she asked through sobs.

He pulled back from her, reaching down slightly so he could cup her face within his hands as he made her look at him, “No,” he told her firmly. “No you are not a terrible person.”

“I think about it everyday Nick. Sometimes it’s when I wake up, other times it’s before it go to sleep. A couple of months ago I was treating a women who had a miscarriage and she was devastated and the whole time all I could think about was how I just threw mine away without a second thought,” she told him wiping at her eyes. He dropped his hands from her cheeks, wrapping one arm around her shoulders and she leant into his side taking his free hand in hers.

“Did you get any counselling after?” He asked his thumb lightly brushing over her knuckles.

“I was supposed to but my Dad got sick and I moved back and I tried to forget. I thought I had buried this,” she admitted sniffing back her tears.

“I don’t think you have sweetie. Maybe it would help to speak to someone about it?”

“I just want to forget,” she said softly as she snuggled her head into his shoulder more.

“Doesn’t work like that. You can try and run from it but it’s always going to be there if you don’t face it, trust me,” he chuckled.

“Why do you want me? I’m so screwed up,” she sniffed wiping at her nose.

He pulled her closer to him as he told her, “You are talking to the king of screwed up here!”

It even managed to get a small laugh out of her and with that sound he knew eventually everything was going to be okay.

What if I, lead a different life,
Would you stay, stay?
What if you, could only speak the truth,
what would you say, say?

Time doesn't wait for anyone.

There's a part in everyday,
where I lie to myself and say that it's okay.
'cause if I don't I think I'll go insane.
But the truth is, I only have myself to blame.

Song Credit: The Thruth - The Spill Canvas

When Adie woke up the following day for the first time in a long time she didn’t feel like crying, she didn’t feel like her world was crumbling, it was as if letting go of her secret had lifted this huge weight she had been carrying around for five years. It felt good and with a contented sigh she rolled over reaching her arm out to the body she expected to find when she did.

That was why she panicked when Nick wasn’t there.

She sat up quickly praying that last night hadn’t just been some cruel dream because it had hurt so much to be that truthful with him, she didn’t know if she could do it again if it hadn’t been real. She soon realised it wasn’t a dream because she was in his bed, well their bed? Was it still their bed? They hadn’t really discussed her moving back in, she had been so exhausted after spilling everything to him that she had fallen asleep on the couch only waking briefly when he scooped her up in his arms and carried her to bed.

She remembered waking in the middle of the night and smiling because his hold on her was so tight, his face so peaceful as he slept contently next to her, his breathes coming out in even strokes as his chest rose and fell. So where was he now? She looked towards the bathroom but the door was wide open and she couldn’t see or hear him moving around in there, so that meant he was either down stairs, in his studio, or even out of the house. She was just about to get up and investigate when the door to the bedroom opened slowly and he stuck his head in the room, he smiled when he realised she was awake and walked through.

“Hey you’re awake.”

“Yep,” she yawned as she fell back against the pillows, “Time is it?”

“A little after one,” he told her as she sat down beside her on the bed.

“As in pm?!” She asked exasperated making him laugh.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“Why didn’t you wake me up?”

“Because you looked so peaceful,” he told her as he sat down on the bed next to her moving in to claim her lips in a kiss, a kiss that she deepened by extending her hands out to his head to hold him in place, her finger tips playing with the short hairs at the nape of his neck. She pulled back after a few moments and could feel the own blush in her cheeks as she looked at his now swollen red lips.

“Sorry,” she apologised.

That made him laugh, “What are you sorry for?”

She shrugged as she looked down to her lap. He giggled some more as he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and placed another quick kiss to the side of her head.

“Where were you?” She asked grabbing his other hand as she played with his fingers.

“Woke up about eight and when I realised it was going to be hours before you decided to surface I took Layla for a run,” he said.

“You’ve lost more weight,” she noticed as she trailed one of her hands down his visible toned chest, a stark comparison to the man she had met only four years ago.

He nodded proudly, “Another ten pounds.”

“God I think that’s what I’ve gained,” she grimaced.

He laughed yet again and she wanted to bottle the sound so she could take it with her wherever she went because it was just so infectious, so child like and it was one of the things she hoped that their daughter would inherit from him because every time she heard him laugh it made her smile. He un-tucked his arm from around her and moved onto his side as he slid down the bed, stopping when he was eye level with her stomach. With a grin he lifted up the jersey and for the first time he got a good look at her pregnant stomach, leaning down gently to place a soft kiss on it.

“Have you felt her move yet?” He asked as he rested his head on his free hand while the other drew lazy circles on her belly.

“Not yet,” she replied as she ran her hands through his hair.

“Not even butterflies?” He asked his eyes remaining on her tummy.

“How do you know about butterflies?” She asked intrigued at his choice of words.

“I’ve been reading up,” He admitted.

“You have?” She asked slightly taken aback by his admission.

“Yep, she’s about eighteen centimetres long now and you might start to feel dizzy because your blood volume has increased and your heart has to work harder. You can’t really here me in there yet though can you?” He asked her bump before looking up to her when he heard her tears. “Sugar puff,” he sighed moving back up the bed so he was eye level with Adie.

“This isn’t real, this is my imagination because this just feels…just feels…how can we go back and behave like nothing happened?” She asked sniffing back her tears.

“This is real,” he told her as he kissed her left cheek. “You are here and so am I,” he said as he leant in and kissed her other cheek, “And we are going to make this work.”

“You should hate me, you should have shut the door in my face yesterday, it can’t be this easy Nick, it just can’t be,” she told him shaking her head at him.

“I love you and I could never hate you Adie, I might have been really pissed off at you but I could never hate you,” he said sitting up against the headboard as he wrapped his arm around her shoulder making her lean into his shoulder. “You know it’s not going to be the same because it didn’t work last time, so it has to be better than last time, we have to be better because we aren’t the only ones involved now, we have to be better for her,” he said softly rubbing his hand across her still showing belly. She tried to reply, to tell him that he was right but she just broke down into sobs again. It made him chuckle slightly as he pulled her in closer, placing kisses to her head.

“I made you an appointment with Rebecca, she managed to squeeze you in today before my session,” he said as he grabbed her hand and started playing with her fingers.

“Today?” She sniffed.

“Yeah your session is at five and mine is at six.”

“Can’t we reschedule? I don’t really feel like it today,” she told him. She had told him last night that she had just wanted to forget, she had told him everything anyway so what was the point in rehashing the whole story for a third time and getting upset again? She had screwed up, had killed her unborn child and for what? Some bastard who had cheated on her and made her feel like a fool. She was always going to feel guilty that she didn’t stand up to him, that she didn’t fight for what she believed in, no amount of therapy was going to change that.

He sighed at her words, dropping her hand from his, “No, we’re not cancelling.”

“I didn’t say cancel, I said reschedule,” she said becoming defensive.

“No Adie. We need to work on this, on us and the longer you put it off the harder it is going to be. She’s not going to judge you, she’s really good at making you see things about situations that you haven’t before,” he told her.

“She’s not going to certify me insane, lock me up and throw away the key?” She half joked making him laugh.

“Not without my consent,” he joked back wincing when she hit him in the stomach. She was just about to say something when the phone began to ring and he leant over and picked it up. “Hello?…Yeah she’s here and she’s fine…I think so…she lugged it all out of here she can lug it all back!” He laughed and Adie knew by his tone that he was talking to Chelle. “I’ll let her know. See you tomorrow.”

“Chelle?” She asked as she reclined back against him.

“Yep she was worried about you,” he told her his hand coming to rest upon her abdomen, caressing it gently making her smile.

“Why are you seeing her tomorrow?” She asked.

“How else is all your crap going to get back here?” He asked.

“So I can come back?” She whispered, her eyes meeting his when his finger pulled her chin up.

“I never wanted you to leave,” he whispered. “Seriously baby you need to stop this because I’m scared you are going to dehydrate,” he joked when she started sobbing again. He wiped the falling tears from her face and rested his forehead against hers as he leant in to kiss her softly but just as he was about to pull away she grabbed onto his head again and deepened the kiss like last time.

The only difference this time was that she didn’t pull back blushing, instead she moved more onto her back, bringing him with her, opening her legs so he could rest comfortably between them. He carried on the kiss, sliding his tongue inside her mouth when her lips parted to allow access, shivering slightly when her hands found their way underneath his t-shirt, her nails scratching down his back. He pulled back from the kiss and sat up slightly pulling the offending material off his top half before he found the hem of the jersey she was wearing, moving it further up her body and she took the hint lifting her body slightly so he would have enough room to slid the garment over her head.

He stared down at her for a few moments, marvelling how her body had changed in only a few short months. Her breasts, although they had never been small, were now much fuller but the biggest change had to be her abdomen because it was now quite obvious that there was a child in there, his baby was in there and he couldn’t remember a time when she had looked more gorgeous then she did right now.

“You’re beautiful,” he whispered leaning down to kiss her again, one of his hands trailing down her side, coming to rest on her hip, making her lift her leg slightly the movement causing friction against Nick’s quite obvious erection, making him moan into her mouth. He pulled back from her mouth, smiling up to her as he moved his way down her body, making sure to kiss, suck and lick at every available opportunity, noticing immediately how she winced when he reached her breasts.

“They are really tender,” she told him when she realised he was looking at her questioningly. He smirked up at her before he cupped her left breast in his hand, massaging it gently with the other hand, occasionally planting kisses on it, making a moan escape from her lips as she closed her eyes at the sensual sensation coursing through her body. Her hand rested on his head, her fingers weaving through his hair as he worked his magic on her other breast and she sighed deeply in anticipation when he started his decent again. He licked his way across the waist band on the pair of boxers she was wearing before he started to tug them down her legs and when they were tossed across the room he slowly kissed his way up each of her legs, missing where she wanted him the most as he made his way back up to her mouth.

She pulled away before he could claim her mouth in yet another kiss though, making him look at her. “You’re such a fucking tease,” she told him matter of faculty, which made him burst out laughing.

“You’ve always known that,” he shrugged as he leant in to kiss her again and this time she let him, almost panting into his mouth when she felt one of his long fingers slid inside of her, god he had amazing fingers. “You’re so wet,” he moaned huskily in her ear when he pulled back from their kiss. She wanted to tell him that she had been horny for weeks, that surely he had read in the books that she was at the stage in her pregnancy where she craved sex? All she could muster up was a low moan when he added another finger inside of her, moving them together at a torturously slow pace.

He kissed his way down her body again and she almost screamed when she felt the cool air from his mouth hit her clit when he started to blow on it, the good feeling amplified when she felt his wet tongue slid across her. Her hands were immediately tangled in his hair as she pulled his head further towards where she wanted him, her breathing increasing when he withdrew his fingers and replaced them with his tongue. His strong hands held her hips in place and when his nose nudged her clit for the forth time, she felt herself come, spilling her wetness into his waiting mouth. He kept tonguing her prolonging her orgasm for a few more moments but that wasn’t enough for her and she wanted to feel those amazing sensations coursing through her body again.

She pulled at his head and he started trailing his way back up to her body, letting her roll them both so he was flat on his back. He watched as she undid his belt and worked her way down the button fly of his jeans, pulling the material down his legs and tossing them across the room when she was finished. She made her way back up his body, taking his hard erection in her hand she pumped him hard a few times, loving how dark his eyes turned when she did. Adie knew she couldn’t hold on much longer and so she quickly straddled him and taking his hard member in her hand she placed it at her wet opening, gently sliding down on him with a small contented sigh. She reached out her hands for his and once their fingers were intertwined she slowly started to ride him.

He watched her as she threw her head back and moaned when he thrust up to meet her, had it seriously been three months since they had done this last? It felt so dammed good but he needed more, he needed to be deeper, wanted to make her scream his name like she used to. He caught her off guard when he flipped them both over and she screeched at the sudden change in position but she quickly adjusted and bought both her legs up so he could slid in that bit deeper. Their hands were still intertwined as he pinned them above her head as he began to thrust inside her quickly, making her breath increase as she started to moan every time he filled her.

“I’m so close Nick,” she whimpered when he let her hands go so he could reach down to apply some pressure on her swollen clit.

“Just let go,” he whispered as he leant down to kiss her feeling his own release spread through him as her walls clenched together.

“Oh god,” she moaned when the full impact of her orgasm hit her. She clung to him as she tried to catch her breath, loving the feeling of his warm breath against her skin as he buried his head into the crevice between her neck and shoulder as he too recovered from his own pleasure.

“I’ve missed you,” he whispered after a few moments, his breath still ragged and at first she thought he was still recovering from their passionate lovemaking but then she felt the moisture on her shoulder. She didn’t want to ruin the moment, didn’t want to say anything that might make him clam up and stop this display of emotion she had never seen from him so all she did was wrap her arms tighter around his shoulders as she pressed kisses to the side of his head moving with him when he moved off of her and rolled a little onto his side. His face was still buried in her shoulder and although she could hear no noise she could tell he was still crying because of how his shoulders would shake every so often.

She had wanted this for so long, wanted him to show her some emotion, to prove to her that things did get to him, that he was still capable of feeling, of hurting and now that he finally was? It wasn’t like how she expected it to be that was for sure. She had expected for their to be some tear felt break through where he would bare all, where she would finally understand him, where everything would change and they would move on and be happy and…god it was such a naive thought , a stupid idea but she thought it would get him past his phobia about marriage. It was none of those things though, and the only thing she felt was regret because she was the one who had reduced him to this, she was the cause of his tears, the cause of the hurt he was finally feeling right now and she felt disgusted with herself.

She didn’t now what she could do to rectify that, to take away the pain she had obviously caused him over the past month, two days and seven hours so she did the only thing she could at that moment.

She apologised.

“I love you and I am so, so sorry that I hurt you.”

“Come on in Nick,” Rebecca said as she held open her office door so he could walk on through. He got up from his seat and followed her into the large airy room. It didn’t resemble a shrinks office that was for sure and maybe that’s why he felt so comfortable here, because it just felt like an informal chat with a friend.

The room was large and bright with huge windows that looked out on to the wooded area where he often walked Layla, he had often stood a the window gazing out while he released some of his troubles to Rebecca. There was a desk tucked neatly into one corner of the room, it was propped up against a wall so that no one would be able to be seated opposite it, a laptop was one of the minimal things that sat a top the deep coloured wood. The majority of the room was laid out as if it was a living room, two large suede cream couches graced the centre of the room, there were a few bean bags, a loveseat and a coffee table it almost looked as if things had just been thrown together because it was what the space allowed for. Nick knew it hadn’t been though, he knew that this had been very thought out, that this layout had been designed like this for a reason. There were no physical barriers that he could protect himself behind unless he physically got up and stood behind a chair, the coffee table was set off to one side, the chairs arranged in a hap hazard circle. Physical barriers weren’t needed here because if you needed to see a shrink it was pretty much a given that your emotional ones were already holding you back enough.

He walked over to the small fridge in the corner and took out a can of diet coke, making sure to pull out a bottle of water for Rebecca before taking the seat he always sat in, the smaller of the suede couches. He leant over and handed her the water as she had already sat down in the love chair, the same place she always sat. He liked how informal it was, that he didn’t even have to be offered a drink he just knew it was there to take, that she didn’t appear to think she was better them him because he had to go to her to analyse the mess that was his life.

Rebecca was older then he was, he wasn’t sure by how much but she had to be at least mid thirties. She had long blonde hair, green eyes and was very plain, a few freckles would occasionally sprinkle her nose if she had been out in the sun. She was quite petite, when she stood she only reached Nick’s shoulder and her informal nature flooded into everything around her. Nick couldn’t ever remember a time when he had seen her in a suit or formally dressed, he had only ever seen her in jeans, occasionally in shorts when the weather got really hot. Yet everything about her oozed professionalism.

“Thanks,” She smiled as she took the bottle from him and placed it on the floor.

“Before I forget Adie wanted me to see if you were free on Friday,” He asked.

“Yeah I have three o’clock free, would that be okay?”

“Yeah I think so, she uh wanted me to say sorry again for cancelling today.”

“It’s not a problem,” Rebecca replied with a smile, “Is summer a busy period in the ER?”

“She tells me it doesn’t matter what season or time of day it is because it’s always busy.”

“Do you not like her working?” Rebecca asked.

“Why do you ask that?”

“Just your body language…your voice it dropped a few octaves it was like you were almost scowling. Has the job been an issue for the two of you in the past?” She asked.

He nodded with a sigh. “It’s always been an issue. She loves her job and I admire her for what she does because I know couldn’t do it, I know a lot of people couldn’t do it but I worry about her. You know at first when we were first dating I was sure it was because she wouldn’t drop everything to be with me.”

“Because that’s what you were used to?” Rebecca asked.

“Yeah completely. I was so used to girls just dropping everything and putting their lives on hold to please me that it was definitely a shock when she didn’t. That’s who she is though, it’s a huge part of her and when I saw her at work a few times I realised I couldn’t ask her to give that up. She wouldn’t have anyway but I knew if I did ask it would be the end of us. I let it go for a few months but when I moved here, when we moved in to together it started being an issue again,” he said playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

“Why?”

“She lied to me, well…lie is to strong a word…she let me believe what I wanted to. She came home with bruising around her wrist, some on her side. She’s a kids nurse so I just assumed it was from some scared kid when they were trying to draw blood. Now I realise that a kid would never leave marks like those, I think I knew then too,” he admitted.

“So how did you find out that they weren’t caused in the manner you thought they were?” Rebecca questioned.

“Through one of her friends. I blew up at her and we had a huge row and she even left for a few days. I wasn’t mad at her though. I was mad at the situation but I took it out on her. It happened again at the beginning of the year and we argued over it yet it happened again a month ago but…maybe it was good that it did,” he trailed off as he stared out of the window.

“Why was the last time good?” Rebecca probed.

“Because I found out she was pregnant.”

“She told you because she thought she might miscarry?” She asked.

He laughed sarcastically, “Yeah you’d think. I walked in as she was having a sonogram to check everything was okay. She didn’t even call me, I was still on her contact sheet in case of an emergency.”

“How did that make you feel?”

“How did it make me feel?” he repeated his gaze still focused on the outside world. How did it make him feel? He hadn’t really thought about it too much, he had been wrapped up in how being a Father was going to make him feel to try and decipher how it felt to find out in the manner he had. “Hurt,” he whispered.

“Not angry? Not betrayed? Just hurt?”

He could only manage a shrug.

“Don’t clam up Nick, the only way you are going to get something out of these meetings if you put stuff in, if you hold back there is no point in you being here, I thought you understood that?” She told him firmly.

“I felt like I had been stabbed in the back again, I felt like a fool but the worst thing was I felt like my world was going to fall apart if she told me I wasn’t the Father.”

***

Night shifts were a killer, they were Adie’s Achilles heel, something that she had always struggled with even from being a student. Now that she was getting older it just seemed to be getting worse. She had tried everything, laying in bed till as late as she could stand the day before she started the run, having a nap before she would leave but it made no difference she was still lucky if she managed three hours sleep the following day. Three hours was quite clearly not enough and if she was on a run of four or more she soon found herself grumpy, irritable and damn right pissed off with the world and everything in it.

Maybe it was a good thing that she was only doing one this week as a favour. She had hoped that as it was a week day that she would be able to put her feet up for at least half an hour here and there but the night had been a lot busier then usual, the pile up on the freeway the cause of that. Sure she had been banned from the trauma room not only by her OB but by her charge nurse but that still left all the minor ailments, such as plastering broken bones, administering pain meds and straps to twisted ankles, dealing with the drunks and the homeless. She literally had not stopped and then she had the pleasure of the drawing the short straw this morning and had ended up in “The Box” from five till eight am.

“The Box” the term used for triaging. Every nurse hated it. You were the first medical person someone would see as they walked through the door, so in Adie’s case it meant sitting with people, listing their ailment, applying pain meds where appropriate and categorising people according to urgency of treatment. Yes she was the one with the power but she was also the one who made others wait, something people would get pissed of about rather quickly. It often made her laugh when people would demand to be seen for their in grown toenail as soon as they arrived, one guy was adamant he should be seen for the small graze on his arm over the women whose finger was hanging on by a thread. He had soon backed down when Adie had removed part of the women’s dressing to show him.

She looked at the clock and a small smile spread across her lips. Five minutes and she would officially be out of here!

“Ohh a smile at this time in the morning means only one thing, is it nearly home time?” Marissa asked as she took a seat at the desk next to Adie.

“Hell yeah! I am so looking forward to croissants, and Jerry Springer reaffirming to me that my life isn’t as messed up as the crazy’s he manages to find for his show.”

“Aww but you can’t have your glass of wine though can you?” Marissa said patting Adie’s tummy.

“You know what I have non alcoholic wine so I can try and fool myself,” She told her back with a laugh.

“Your crazy Aids. I think you’re the only person I know how starts drinking at nine am.”

“Yeah but when you think about it it’s really our nine pm. There is logic, I know lots of people who have a glass of wine after their day at work, it’s just my day finishes in the am rather then the pm,” she shrugged. “I think Nick thought I was an alcoholic when we first started living together though, you know until I explained my logic to him.”

“How is it going with you two?” She asked.

“Okay,” Adie said nodding her head. “I’m kind of avoiding him at the moment. He’s only got eight days until he has to go back on tour. I don’t want to get too close to him because it’s going to hurt so much more when he leaves.”

“Can’t you go with him?” Marissa asked.

“All the holiday hours are booked for this month. I’ve got time off in September to fly out and see him, that was the plan anyway but I am going to be the size of a house by then,” she laughed.

“Then I think instead of avoiding him you need to spend more time with him,” She suggested.

“I know I should.”

Another annoying thing about night shifts was always the traffic on the way home, there was always loads and everyone in front of Adie was either super nice and let everyone single car out at junctions or was a complete slow Norris who seemed to think the highest speed they were ever allowed to drive was twenty. Her usual journey time of thirty minutes back to the house often turned into at least forty minutes and occasionally she would not end up in bed until ten thirty, two hours after she would leave the hospital.

On this occasion though it was like the Gods had been listening in on her conversation with Marissa because she made it home in record time and as she made her way up the steps to the front door she could see that the TV set was on in the living room, signalling to her that Nick was up. It was a rarity for him and on more then one occasion she would have to either sleep in the spare room or kick him out of the bed when she got in from her night shift because there was nothing more annoying then finally drifting off to sleep only to be woken half an hour later by him yawning loudly, or tripping over something when he got up.

Layla had obviously heard her coming and Adie braced herself for the excited barking that was sure to ensue as soon as she opened the door. What she didn’t expect was Nick’s agitated yell for her to “Quit fucking barking!” She dropped her bag to the floor and threw her keys in the giant bowl that stood on the side board as she stood out of her shoes, making sure to lean down and pet Layla.

“Why’s Daddy so grumpy huh?” She asked Layla softly so he wouldn’t hear her before she slowly made her way into the living room.

He was sprawled across the couch, his hair sticking in every direction, his eyes looked bleary and the scowl that was present was enough to let her know he had either just woken up or that he hadn’t actually been asleep that much the previous night. The three cans of diet coke, the two coffee cups and the fact that he was tuned to a movie that was at least three quarters of the way through was the give away that it was the latter. Now all she needed to figure out was why he had had a struggle to sleep because, next to Howie, sleep was Nick’s favourite past time.

“Hey you,” she said happily before leaning down to place a quick peck to his head.

“Hey,” he replied but his tone was not happy, he didn’t even turn to look at her when she remained behind him.

“You okay?” She asked as she took of her scrub top, revealing the black tank top she wore beneath it.

“Fine.”

“You don’t seem fine,” she tried again throwing the scrub top against the back of the couch.

“Tired,” he shrugged never once taking his eyes of the TV.

“Well I don’t think the three cans of coke and coffee would have helped with that,” She tried to joke.

All she got in response was an “Hmm.”

“I’m going to make some breakfast, You want some?” She asked moving in the direction of the kitchen.

“Nope.”

She looked back over her shoulder but all she could see were his feet hanging up and over the back of the couch. He was definitely not his usual self, he hadn’t even asked her about her night and that was something he always would do without fail. Instead of questioning him about his moody behaviour she decided to let it go because she was exhausted and didn’t want to risk getting into an argument when all she wanted to do was try and crash out for a few hours. She was hoping that by the time she woke up he would have dealt with what was bothering him and be in a happier mood.

She walked into the kitchen and grabbed the croissants out of the bread bin, placing the two pastries into the microwave she set the timer for thirty seconds and then walked to the refrigerator. She pulled out the butter and jelly along with the milk and walked to the centre island of the kitchen placing all her items of the counter top before making her way back to the microwave when the bing informed her that her croissants were indeed ready. She quickly spread the preserves over the warm breakfast pastries and sniffed in the appetising scent before she grabbed a bowl out of the cupboard and poured herself some sugar puffs. Usually two croissants were enough to keep her hunger at bay but recently she had found that she was needing more and more to keep her from snacking during the day, maybe that was why she seemed to be growing by the day.

After she had placed all her items on a tray and grabbed a glass of juice she made her way out of the kitchen, she lingered just outside the living room for a few seconds, she thought about going in but knew he probably just needed to be alone for a while. He obviously heard the stairs creek as she climbed them because he called out to her.

“Where are you going?”

She carried on walking, yelling her answer back to him so he could hear, “To bed.”

“But you always watch Jerry Springer first,” he reminded.

“You’re watching a film, I’ll watch it in bed,” she replied stopping where she was.

“No you can watch it here, I can finish this later,” he said flicking the TV over so she could hear the arguing that ensued as the crowd cat called.

“It’s fine sweetie, I need to get my feet up anyway, I’m starting to get cankles,” she tried to joke and maybe that was why she was so shocked at his sudden outburst.

“If you don’t want to fucking sit here with me then just say it,” he said making his way to the bottom of the stairs.

She shook her head in disbelief and carried on up the stairs, knowing that within a matter of moments he would walk through the door to their room to try and continue arguing with her, well she wasn’t going to be dragged into it, not now, she was to god damned tired.

“I’m not going to argue with you Nick,” she told him when she heard him enter the room. She calmly placed the tray on the cabinet next to her side of the bed before she pulled out the pyjamas that were under her pillow.

“Why are you avoiding me?” He demanded.

“I’m not avoiding you,” she said turning so she could see him.

“Yeah you are.”

“So because I decided that I would change my routine so that it would benefit you and so you could finish what you were watching I’m avoiding you? It can’t be that I’m dog tired? That my feet hurt? It’s because of you, that’s a bit self centred don’t you think?” She mentally screamed at herself, why couldn’t she ever just keep her mouth shut, why did she always let herself get dragged into his petty little arguments? It was too late now though, he knew he had her.

“It’s not just today Adie and you know that.”

Again he had her, what was the point in trying to argue with him anyway? Just because they weren’t speaking to each other didn’t  mean it would make his departure in eight days any easier and if she was honest with herself that was what she was trying to do. Softening the blow of him leaving but distancing herself from him before he left so she didn’t feel like he was going to be ripped from her, well she had tried that before and it hadn’t worked, she had still been miserable, so why did she think it would work this time?

She sighed deeply as she looked away from his penetrating gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“So it’s not just my imagination?” He asked as he walked closer to her.

“No it’s not,” she told him as she sunk down on to the bed. “I don’t want you to go,” she mumbled, her eyes focusing on his feet.

“You know I have to,” he said softly, his anger melting away almost instantly at her confession as he reached for her hand. “You can always come with me.”

“Nick,” she sighed.

“I know, I know you don’t want to give up work. But there’s always the phone and I’ll be home for our anniversary and then I’ll be home again for three weeks in September and then by the time I’m home for good she’ll be almost cooked,” he smiled placing his hand on her stomach.

“What if she’s early?”

“We’ll just have to hope that she takes after me and not you in timing. But if she does decide she wants to meet us early then the minute you feel anything, you call me and I’ll be on the first flight. I don’t care if I’m half way the through the opening song, I’ll leave and I’ll be there.”

“Did you manage to get me an appointment for tomorrow?” Adie asked.

“Yeah it’s at three.”

“I want you to come with me,” she told him as she leant into his shoulder.

“You do?” he asked a little taken a back by her admission.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “I don’t want there to be anything between us by the time she comes.

Adie sat in her usual position in the love seat and watched as Nick grabbed the coke and bottle of water out the mini fridge in the corner of the room, turning to her only after he had shut the door.

“You want anything baby?” he asked as he handed the bottle of water to Rebecca but she shook her head no. Was it wrong that she felt jealous of Rebecca? The way he had just handed her the water without even asking if she wanted anything and the way he so casually just helped himself to everything made her envy all this women must know about the man she had spent the last three years and eleven months with. That was what they were here to get past Adie remembered as she nervously played with the fabric of the loveseat.

“So as this is you session Adie I’m assuming you asked Nick to come with you?” Rebecca questioned as she sat on the larger of the couches as Nick took his sat down across from the love seat. Again Adie nodded only just realising how hard this session was actually going to be, wondering whether she had made a mistake and asked him to come too early. “Is there something in particular you wanted to discuss in this session?”

“I don’t know,” She answered almost sheepishly.

“Okay. You’re the one that invited Nick so you’re obviously ready to talk with him about some things you find difficult but only you can decide what you need to tell him today,” Rebecca prompted.

“I just want to get everything out, I don’t want there to be secrets or…I want him to know everything,” Adie told Rebecca, consciously avoiding Nick’s eyes as she played with the long beaded necklace that was hanging around her neck.

“Okay. We only have an hour session though so I don’t think there is going to be time for everything today,” She joked making both of them laugh. “Why don’t we set rules first?”

“Like what?” Nick asked as he reclined back in his seat crossing one of his legs over his knee. He looked so relaxed, then again she was going to be the one sharing today so he didn’t have anything to be on edge about really. Maybe it would have been better to go to one of his sessions, for him to open up first. It was too late though.

“Like when one of is talking you the other lets you finish, no raised voices, no swearing, no getting up and walking out if things get to hard to hear,” she said looking at Adie, “ And no clamming up,” she said her gaze falling on Nick.

“Okay,” they both replied in unison.

“Is there some place you want to start Adie? Something you want to ask Nick?”

“I don’t know where to start, there is so much stuff swirling around in my head,” she answered honestly. “Sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise. What you want to do, what you want to speak about can be very daunting and from what you’ve told me you’ve repressed a lot this stuff for a long time, so don’t expect it to be easy okay? Would it help if Nick were to ask you questions?” Rebecca asked.

“Yeah maybe.”

“Nick is there something you want to ask Adie? To share with her? How you feel?”

Adie turned her head to Nick and was glad that she had chosen to wear her hair down that morning as her fringe gave her something to hide her eyes behind slightly. It gave her a small bit of protection, something she could hide behind because there was nothing here she could do that with and right at that moment all she wanted to was walk away because she knew anything he said or asked was going to be heard to deal with. Who had she been kidding? She wasn’t ready for this, she wasn’t ready to share, maybe in another month or two…but by then she would be so close to having their baby she knew it would be even harder. If she got this over with now she would be able to enjoy the rest of her pregnancy, they would be able to move on and be happy, but the hurt had to come before the happiness.

Nick took a long swig of his diet coke as he considered Rebecca’s questions but he didn’t look at Adie and when he spoke his next words it was like she wasn’t even there.

“There’s lots I want to say to her, I want to ask her why she left? Why she kept things from me? If she hurt as much as I did when she left?”

“Okay, but Adie is over there Nick and you need to HER those questions, not me,” Rebecca prompted.

“Why did you leave?” He asked quietly his gaze falling on her.

She carried on fiddling with the necklace around her neck as she answered, “You know why I left.”

“Because you weren’t happy?” he asked and she nodded. “So, why then? Why when I had started to open up to you? Why go when it looked like I was starting to make progress in that area?”

“Because…seeing…being back in London showed me-” she tried.

“Showed you what?” He demanded.

Rebecca stepped in, “Nick,” she warned as she looked to Adie, “It’s okay take your time, explain it in the best way you can and Nick you are going to let her finish, you are not going to jump in.”

Suddenly both eyes were on her again. “Being back in London, seeing Mark…it reminded me of everything I had tried to forget, it reminded me of every promise I had made to myself that I wasn’t keeping and it scared me,” she said her voice trailing off as she bought her legs up underneath herself.

“Why did it scare you?” Rebecca asked.

“Because when I looked at the life I was living back then to the life I had with you Nick, I couldn’t really see any difference, it was like I was headed down the same path. When I left London I promised myself I wouldn’t take back a cheater and yet I let you back in without much of a fight, I promised I wouldn’t settle and that I wouldn’t put my life hold for anybody because I mattered and so did my dreams and yet again I was for you,” she told him honestly.

“I never asked you to,” he replied crossing his arms over his chest defensively.

“Not outright you didn’t but since…it was good when you moved to Nashville and we were together but when…”

“What changed Adie?” Rebecca asked trying to get Adie to channel her focus.

She leant her cheek in her hand as she replied softly, “When you went back to work, it was like our relationship was put on the back burner, that all of a sudden I had to revolve around you, like you almost expected me to give up all I had worked for and be your shadow.”

She knew she had hit a nerve when he moved his eyes and stared out of the window, she had expected him to argue with her, to tell her that it wasn’t true so she was a little shocked when he admitted she was right.

“I’m sorry,” He said softly his gaze still focused outside.

“You know you do it?” Adie asked.

He nodded his head, “I’m…I’m used to people riding on my coat tales and wanting to be with me for the wrong reasons, everyone else’s agenda was seeing how much money they could get out of me, how many places I would fly them out to, you’re the very first person who I’ve been with who isn’t like that. I see how hard you work and how much you love your job and how great you are at helping people and I’m really proud of you for what you do-”

“You are?” She asked confused at his words.

“Of course I am,” he frowned. “I guess I just don’t really show you that I am. I’m so used to getting my way and that’s because people want to keep me happy so I’ll keep them around and if it meant they give up their own dreams then they did. You’ve never been like that and I think that’s one of the reasons why I love you because you don’t take any of my crap. But I know you have settled, I know how long you’ve wanted to start a family with me and I ignored the fact that you weren’t happy and put it down to the tour and being apart. Can I ask you a question?”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you tell me straight away?” He asked softly almost as if he were afraid of the answer.

“That I was pregnant?” She clarified, trying to think of the right words to say when he nodded his head. “I was shocked. I thought you were going to come back at me with the whole trying to trap you,” she told him not missing the way his whole face blushed crimson. “But I was scared because…because it felt like history was repeating itself again and I didn’t know whether…whether…-” she sniffed as she took the tissue Rebecca offered.

“You thought I was going to be like Mark?”

“Yeah,” she cried, her tears now falling. “I couldn’t go through that again Nick and I just…I kept it to myself for as long as I did because I didn’t want to feel the way I felt back then.”

“How did you feel back then Adie?” Rebecca asked.

“I felt like…I hated myself, I felt like a complete fool because I trusted him and I shouldn’t have. I felt like the biggest hypocrite because my job was all about saving kids and I just killed one without even really thinking about it. I still hate myself for it and that’s why I couldn’t do it again,” she said before blowing her nose into the tissue.

“Did you think I would make you do that?” Nick asked and Adie couldn’t miss the hurt tone, the sadness in his eyes. She wanted to lie and tell him no, that she didn’t think he would but lying was what had gotten her into this mess and she knew that if they were to have any hope of making it through all this intact she had to be honest with him.

“Yes. Yes I did. You had made clear on more then one occasion that kids wasn’t really on your agen-”

“Not right then but I didn’t-”

“Rules Nick,” Rebecca warned and he sighed as he looked back to Adie and let her continue.

“You didn’t fill me with confidence Nick. Three months ago I caught you counting my pill to make sure I wasn’t trying to get pregnant behind your back, so what was I supposed to think?” She asked.

“Did you know when you left?” He asked sitting forward in his seat slightly, “I know I already asked you this but I don’t know whether I believe you.”

“No I didn’t know for certain,” she replied honestly her eyes remaining glued to his.

“But you had a feeling?” He asked his eyes turning a deeper shade of blue.

“Yeah. I think I tried to fool myself and put all the symptoms down to other things because I didn’t want to admit to myself that I was in the same mess as last time. That I had screwed up again.”

“So why did you push me away when I told you I was okay with everything? When I told you I wanted us to be a family?”

“I never thought you would ever except it like you did, I seriously thought it would get to a point and you would turn around and say that you weren’t ready,” she said wiping at the tears that were falling very freely. “If…by not letting you in there was no way you could do that, you couldn’t just walk away and leave me to do it all alone.”

“So what changed?” Rebecca asked.

“When Max was born,” she said looking at Rebecca. “Seeing him with you and how easily you took to him and settled him,” she said to Nick who threw her a small lopsided grin. “I realised I was being so selfish and that she’s your child too and that you’re not Mark because you are so much better then he is,” she told him hiccupping back a sob. “You are such a better person Nick and I almost pushed you away,” she cried into her hands, letting Nick pull her into his arms when he moved to sit next to her.

“You’ve made some really good progress today Adie,” Rebecca complimented.

“My Turn next week,” Nick said as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm as she managed to control her crying.

“I have some homework for you guys too. I want both of you to tell the other about something that scares you about your relationship and I also want you to tell each other something you love about each other that you’ve verbalised before. You don’t have to do it today but sometime before our next session okay?”

***

He opened one eye and groaned when he saw the neon numbers flashing 03:30. He closed his eye and tried to get back to sleep semi wondering why his body had chosen to wake at such an ungodly hour of the morning anyway and that was when he felt her poke him again, whispering his name more insistently. Why she was whispering he had no idea, it wasn’t like there was anybody apart from them in the house anyway.

“What?” He mumbled huskily into his pillow as he tried to drift back off to sleep again.

“Turn round,” she said.

“Why?” He mumbled wincing slightly when he moved his face into the cold wet patch that could only be a pile of his own dribble.

“Just come here and give me your hand,” She told him almost excitedly.

“I’m too tired for sex, promise in the morning,” he yawned.

“Nympho,” She giggled, “This isn’t about sex, quick or you’re going to miss it.”

He felt her grab his hand and whined when she bent it back so she could get the right angle so that his palm would be resting against her stomach, he closed his eyes again and sighed into his pillow. After a few seconds of Adie pushing his hand into her tummy he felt it, a small prod against the palm of his hand and that was when he turned over to see her. The grin on her face was answer enough for him but he asked anyway.

“Was that-?” He grinned back as she shook her head vigorously. He looked down at her rounded belly and pressed his hand into it again and sure enough after a few seconds of keeping the pressure there he felt the small flutter under his palm. The feeling made him giggle as he did it once again, “That’s amazing, it’s like she’s real now, you know?” He said taking his hand away.

“I know. Before it kind of felt real but now I know she’s definitely there, this little person growing in there. Oh man she’s really kicking up a storm,” Adie said as she grabbed Nick’s hand once again, resting it on her stomach so he would be able to feel their daughter moving around. She watched his silhouette in the darkness as he moved lower so his head was level with her belly and smiled as he started talking to the baby.

“Hey you in there?” He asked giving her tummy a prod, “Are you going to be a can can dancer?”

“Maybe a gymnast,” Adie thought allowed as she ran her hands through his hair, loving the touch as his fingers lightly stroked and caressed the sensitive skin of her taught stomach. Her eyes started drifting shut after a few minutes of silence but she smiled to herself when she felt his lips cover her belly button, that smile was soon replaced with the look of regret when he spoke his next words so quietly she almost missed them.

“The things that scares me the most is that I’m going to come back from this leg of the tour and find that you’ve left again,” He whispered, not moving from the position he was in.

“I’m not going anywhere I promise,” She told him leaning down to stroke his cheek. “The thing that scares me is that I’ve broken this relationship beyond repair because I don’t know how you are ever going to be able to trust me again.”

She wanted him to tell her that it wasn’t the case, that he trusted her, that her being here was enough to show him he could trust her but when he said nothing she had to fight back her tears because he didn’t trust her. Not that she deserved it but how was this relationship going to work without trust?

“The thing I love about you is how you dance around the kitchen and sing into the spoon when you think no ones watching,” He said with a small laugh.

“I love how you laugh so much you cry at stupid stuff that no one else finds funny, and your girly giggle.”

“Hey my giggle isn’t girly!”

“Yeah it is but I love you anyway,” she told him pulling his hand up to her mouth before she placed a soft kiss to his palm.

“I love you and I promise that we are going to make this work,” he told her placing a small kiss to her stomach and at the moment she knew he wasn’t only talking to her.

Sunday was always the day that everyone would met up at Stuart and Izzy’s for brunch, it didn’t matter if you were hung-over or just finished a night shift it was like a ritual and even when Adie had been working on a Sunday Nick had always shown up.

He had missed it when she had left.

He loved her family, loved how close they were, loved that they had accepted him almost instantaneously because it was a stark comparison to his own. Maybe that was why it had hurt so much when she left because he hadn’t only lost her, he had lost this surrogate family. Even though Izzy had called him the moment she had found out about her daughters departure, assuring him that when her daughter finally answered her calls she would be getting a piece of her mind, he knew if Adie decided it was over her Mother would always choose her. That was what Mother’s did…“well maybe not all Mothers,” Nick thought to himself, shaking the thoughts of his Mom from his head.

He looked out through the open window as he and Rachel cleaned up the kitchen and watched Adie as she basked in the sunny day, laughing at something Alex said. She seemed as if she was glowing and he wasn’t sure whether it was from the tan she had gained from spending all day in the sun with him yesterday or because she was carrying his child, but she had never looked so beautiful, so happy as she did at that moment and it made him smile because it gave him hope. Hope that in the future they would be doing the same thing with their children, hope that the family he was just starting would turn out like the Jones’s and not like the Carter’s.

He let out a small chuckle when Adie excitedly grabbed her Mother’s hand and pressed it to her stomach which was hugged tightly by the tank top she was wearing. He thought back to earlier that morning marvelling at how they had managed to make it on time because she had tired on at least four different outfits, becoming more and more pissed off when nothing seemed to fit right. She had eventually settled on the chocolate brown gypsy skirt Rachel had given her from her own pregnancy and a white tank top that clung closely to her, extenuating her bump, something she had disliked until he had walked up behind her, wrapped his arms around her middle and told her that she looked gorgeous. Adie had glanced at him through the mirror with a questioning look but when he added a bit more pressure to her bump making the baby kick she had chilled out a little and he quickly got her out of the house while he could.

Nick laughed again when Izzy smiled brightly as she clapped her hands together after feeling the baby move.

“What are you laughing at?” Rachel asked as she peered out of the window. “Is it kicking?”

“Yep and she’s a she not an it,” he told her placing the plate back into the cupboard when he had finished drying it.

“She is better then it? Max was known as It and body stealer, there were so many times when I nearly let it slip that he was a he,” She said handing Nick another plate.

“I thought you guys didn’t know until he was born?” Nick questioned.

“Alex didn’t but I did, he didn’t know I did but I did,” She admitted, “So don’t you dare tell him!”

“I’m still in shock you could keep a secret for that long.”

“Hey I can keep a secret!” She told him as she splashed some water in his direction, quickly looking out of the window when she heard Max start to cry. She opened the window and yelled out, “Is he okay?”

Four “Yes’s” trailed through the open window and Nick found himself laughing again as Rachel watched like a hawk from the window, mumbling something about “support his damn head.”

“Oh God you’ve gone completely neurotic ,” He cackled ducking when she threw the sponge at him.

“I have not!” She protested.

“You so have!” Nick accused again, still laughing.

“You just wait until your baby comes along,” she told him with an accusing finger. “Adie’s always been neurotic about everything and she’s a paeds nurse, you are going to spend more time up the hospital with that baby then you will home because she is going to convince herself that the baby has every god damned thing wrong with it. Whose laughing now?!” She asked with a grin when she saw how Nick’s face sobered in realisation.

“Shit, you’re so totally right.”

“Payback’s a bitch Nicky!”

“No you’re a bitch!” He retaliated jokingly his smile disappearing quickly when he saw Rachel’s face crumble into tears. “Shit Rach, I didn’t mean…I was only joking…you’re not a bitch…you know I love you…shit,” he mumbled as he pulled her into his arms to try and stop her tears. “I swear I didn’t mean it.”

“It’s not…I know you didn’t,” She sniffed, “I’m just happy.”

“Erm…happy?” He questioned.

“For you and Adie. I don’t know why with the crying,” she sniffed again as she wiped at her eyes with the hand that wasn’t wrapped around Nick’s waist. “It’s all Max’s fault. Little punk has left all my hormones out of whack.”

“He’s a cute little punk though,” Nick complimented as she pulled away from his embrace.

“He is isn’t he?” Rachel agreed with a small smile.

“Erm Rach?” Nick asked feeling slightly uncomfortable, “You’re uh…you’re kind of leaking.”

He watched as she looked down and again felt uncomfortable when her bottom lip started to quiver, sobs almost over taking her body instantly.

“You want me to get Alex?” He asked quickly leaving the room when she nodded her head yes.

He breathed a sigh of relief when he made it into the back yard, squinting when the bright sunshine hit his eyes as he made his way towards the group of people sat on the decking.

“Jay?” He asked making one of his oldest friends look to him, “You might want to go and see Rach.”

“She crying again?” he asked and when Nick nodded he handed his son over to Adie before he made his way inside the house.

“Is she okay?” Adie asked Nick but he just shrugged as he took the seat Alex had just vacated.

“Her hormones are still all over the place,” Izzy answered for him, “And I don’t think Max has been letting them get much sleep either.”

Adie pulled Max back from where he was resting on her shoulder and held him up so he was face to face with her before she asked him, “You being naughty huh?” Max just scrunched up his face and let out a wail in protest of being moved from the comfortable spot he was in. “Oh I was only kidding, I couldn’t ever be mad at you because you are so scrummy,” She told him as she snuggled him closer to her shoulder. “I could just take you home.”

The words were out of Nick’s mouth before he even realised, “Why don’t we?”

“What?” Adie asked looking to him suspiciously.

“Take him home for the afternoon?” He asked, “You know, give Alex and Rachel a break for the afternoon?” He shrugged.

“Although I’d love to, Rachel’s breast feeding every three hours.”

“She’s been expressing so Alex can do some of the night feeds,” Izzy told them.

“See we could.”

“I’m not sure Rachel would really go for it,” Adie said.

***

An hour later Nick, Adie and Max were all pulling into the driveway. Nick hadn’t even finished his sentence about taking Max for the afternoon before both Rachel and Alex had told him that of course they could have him. The relief on both their faces had been hilarious but what was more funny was the list of instructions that Rachel had given to her sister before she would let Max out of her sight.

Adie had assured her that she was a children’s nurse and had looked after many babies in the past with a small laugh but Rachel didn’t see the funny side and when Nick had clasped him into the backseat in his Car seat she had almost changed her mind. That was until Alex reminded her what they were going to do that afternoon.

That was when she had placed a small kiss to her sons head and shut the door the car quietly before she reiterated her list of instructions to her sister but after that she had let them go. She had called once on the drive home reminding Adie that he was due a feed within the next hour but Adie had reassured Rachel that if Max was hungry she was sure to know about it.

“What are you doing?” Nick asked as he watched Adie unclasp the belt from around the car seat in which Max was nestled comfortably.

“Getting him out, we can’t leave him in the car can we? That would be breaking rule number seventy three,” She giggled as she made the move to grab the top of the car seat to lift it out.

“It’s too heavy for you, I’ll get it,” he said placing his hand on top of hers making her move to the side.

“I’m pregnant Nick not an invalid,” She reminded as she moved to the trunk to get out the bag laden with Max’s stuff as she watched him lift the car seat out of the car, wincing when he slammed the door shut making Max wail from the noise.

“Shit,” He moaned as he tried to “shhhh” the baby as best he could.

“You need to learn to be more quiet Nicky,” Adie laughed as she took the keys from him, locking the car before she made her way up the steps to the house with Nick following close behind. She opened the front door and was immediately greeted by Layla, who of course was not interested in the two people she saw everyday but by the squawking noise that was currently coming from the thing that Nick was carrying. She craned her head to get a better look when Nick lifted the chair out of her reach.

“Layla,” He warned, “No.”

“She’s fine Nick, You just want to meet Max don’t you?” She said reaching down to make a fuss of the dog.

Adie walked through the hallway into the spacious kitchen and motioned for Nick to place the car seat on the counter like she had with the bag. She then lifted the still crying Max out of the carrier, bringing him close to her chest to try and soothe him. She then rested him in the crook of her arm as she knelt down on the kitchen floor.

“Max this is Layla, Layla Max,” She said holding out the baby so the dog could see, pulling him up slightly when Layla went to lick him, “No, no licking,” she warned as she stood up. She rocked back and forth a little with Max trying to quieten him finally giving up after a few minutes. “Alright, alright I know you’re hungry. Baby can you warm a bottle and put the others in the fridge for later?”

“Sure,” he smiled to her as she walked into the living room and settled down on the couch, bringing Max up to rest his head on her shoulder she rubbed his back and tried to shhh him again but he was having none of it.

“I know little man you’re hungry but you are going to have to wait,” She told him placing a small kiss to the side of his head.

“Did someone order a bottle?” Nick asked as he walked in with one heating up in a jug of warm hot water.

“I think someone definitely did.”

“Can I feed him?” Nick asked almost shyly as he placed the jug on the coffee table.

“Sure,” Adie smiled as she handed Max to him carefully, still marvelling at how small he looked when he was pressed up against Nick’s shoulder.

“I’ve never…can you help me? I’ve never done this before,” He asked and again Adie could hear the shyness that radiated from his voice at his confession.

“Course I can,” She smiled before she leant forward to get the bottle, drying it off with the cloth Nick had remembered to bring in. “You need to make sure it’s hot enough but not too hot that it’s going to burn his mouth so you check it on your wrist,” she demonstrated, “That feels good.” She pulled at his hand and extended his arm so she could shake a bit of the milk onto his wrist not missing how he seemed to wince. “What?” She questioned.

“You just put Rachel’s booby juice on my arm,” he whined.

“It’s milk Nick,” she told him.

“That came from your sister,” he defended, wiping the small dot on her arm.

She just shook her head at him and laughed and carried on teaching him. “You want to bring him down into the crook of your arm, that’s perfect,” she told him as he followed her instructions. “Now just place to bottle at his lips and hopefully he’ll realise it’s there.”

“Dinner time Max,” Nick told him softly, smiling when Max took the bottle and began to chug down on it. “You’re hungry huh?” He laughed looking up to Adie with a smile. “Are you going to breast feed?”

“I’d like to, it’s better for her then formula is but from looking at Rach I think I might express some too,” Adie told him as she moved to sit sideways on the couch so she was facing him completely, her legs crossed Indian style beneath her. He smiled at her again before turning his attention back to the small boy in his arms. He didn’t say anything to him or to her but Adie knew, just by the way he looked down lovingly at a baby that wasn’t even his, that he was ready and the realisation was bittersweet. If she hadn’t of come to her senses she would have missed out on all of this, it made the guilt she felt in her chest everyday swell even further.

“Adie?”

She looked up to him and from the look on his face it was obvious he had been trying to get her attention for some time.

“Sorry,” She smiled.

“Where were you?” he asked.

“Nowhere,” she shrugged, changing the subject quickly, “He might need winding now. Easiest way is to bring him up on your shoulder and just pat and rub his back until he burps, but you might want to put this over you shoulder first,” she said as she passed him the muslin.

“Like this?” Nick asked unsurely, his patting so gentle she wasn’t sure she was even tapping his back.

“You can pat him a bit harder,” She told him softly.

“I don’t want to hurt him.”

“You won’t. If patting doesn’t work sometimes rubbing his back in a circular motion might.”

Nick changed techniques and his eyes almost bulged when the baby let out a large belch. “You are definitely your Father’s son,” He joked as he bought him back down so he could give him the rest of the bottle.

“I’m going to get a drink, You want anything?” She asked making a move to stand up.

“You’re leaving me?” he asked, the slight panic evident in his voice.

“For two minutes, you’ll be fine,” she told him tousling his hair as she walked by, stopping at the door she asked him again, “You want anything?”

“No I’m good thanks.”

***

“Max,” Nick whined as he lifted him out the make shift bath he had had in the kitchen sink.

“He pee on you again?” Adie laughed taking the baby from him and placing him on the changing mat so she could dry him off and get him changed before Alex and Rachel came to pick him up.

“That’s every time he hasn’t had a diaper on,” He whined again.

“He’s a typical boy, girls aren’t as bad I promise, well they can’t aim as far anyway,” she giggled turning back to the baby as Nick washed his hands and arm.

“Good to know,” he said wrapping his arms around her from behind, his hands rubbing her belly. “She settled down now?” He asked in reference to their daughter practising her kickboxing that afternoon.

“Yeah, I think it was because Max was resting on my bump. Can you pass me the vest and sleeper?” She asked, taking the items from him when he did what she asked.

“What do you want for diner tonight?” He asked as he leant against the island, marvelling at how quickly she seemed to be able to dress Max when it had taken him almost ten minutes to just undress him earlier.

“I have a huge hankering for Pizza and ice cream,” She told him with a smile.

“Take out?” He asked knowingly.

“Of course,” she replied picking Max up so he was resting against her shoulder, his wails of protest about being washed and dressed subsiding almost immediately.

“Usual toppings?” He asked making his way to the phone.

“Yeah but add chillies.”

“Chillies?” he asked sceptically.

“Hmm oh and spicy beef, and jalapeños,” she added excitedly.

“Okay Howie, I’ll put that on half the pizza,” he said grabbing the phone and dialling.

“Come on Maxy lets go and wait for Mommy and Daddy in the living room.”

Adie didn’t get very far and back tracked when she heard the doorbell ring. She opened the door and smiled when she saw Rachel and Alex.

“See I told you they wouldn’t be long,” She told the baby in her arms.

“Has he been okay?” Rachel asked without so much as a hello, as she held her arms out for her son. Adie smiled at Alex who was shaking his head behind his wife before she passed max to his Mother.

“He’s been fine,” She told them both. “Did you guys sleep well?”

“Amazingly, thank you so much,” Alex said placing a small kiss to her cheek.

“Don’t thank me, it was all Uncle Nick’s idea and I have to say he has done most of the babysitting duties this afternoon, apart from one diaper.”

“Really?” Alex asked slightly shocked.

“Yep. I haven’t been able to get a look in,” she laughed as they all walked into the kitchen.

“Hey guys,” Nick smiled as everyone walked in, “I’ve just ordered pizza, You guys want to stay for dinner?”

“We’ve just eaten but thanks,” Rachel smiled. “We’ll let you have your peace and quiet back now just don’t get too used to it,” she jokingly warned.

***

She woke in a cold sweat, her breathing coming out ragged and she could feel her heart beating so fiercely she thought it was going to jump out of her chest. That had been the third time she had had the dream this past week.

It started out the same, she was at home along with Nick and their baby was resting in the nursery. She would then begin to cry and it was this part that caused the post panic because no matter how hard Adie tried to get to her, she just couldn’t. That would be where Nick would step in, saying that it was okay, that he would go and get her and he did but he would never come back to the living room, Adie would always find herself trying to follow him out of the front door as he left with their baby. She couldn’t though because she physically couldn’t open the door and that would be when the note would appear.

The exact same note that she had left him, expect she knew that part at the bottom where he went on about “we” was not about himself and her it was about himself and the baby. That was when she always woke up and found herself turning to his side of the bed to make sure he was still there, finding comfort in the fact that he was resting comfortably beside her.

Well the past two times he had been, now his side of the bed was empty and she felt herself begin to panic again until she felt the undeniably nudge that came from within her. Knowing her daughter was still safely inside of her she managed to get some control of her breathing before she got up out of bed to go in search of Nick.

It didn’t take long to find him, the small strip of light coming from the office that was situated in the room next to theirs. She opened the door quietly expecting him to be asleep at the desk, that was why she was so surprised when she found that the desk wasn’t there anymore, everything that had been on or in it piled messily on the floor. She could see him standing with his back to her on the opposite side of the room taking down all of his awards, placing them into boxes, his head bobbing back and forth to the music that was flooding his ears via his IPOD.

Panic flooded her system again. Was he leaving her? Had today made him realise how difficult it was going to be with a baby? Did he want out? Had she been right when she had told him it was only going to be a matter of time before he realised he didn’t want this life with her? She took a few shaky breathes and willed the tears not to fall before she made her way closer to him, patting his back when he didn’t hear her call his name. The unexpected contact made him jump as he spun round quickly, taking the ear phones out.

“You scared me.”

“Sorry. What are you doing?” She asked crossing her arms over her chest.

“Packing up,” He said so easily she wanted to cry.

“Packing up?” She asked, trying to keep any hint of emotion out of her voice.

“Yeah, today got me thinking…”

“…We really need to get moving sugar puff, I know you have like four more months before she’s due but with me being away that leaves us with like four weeks to get the nursery organised. I was thinking we could put the nursery here so she’s right next door, if I can move all this stuff out of here by tomorrow we can go and get the paint and I can get the first coat on, maybe even another by the time I leave on Thursday. We could go and order the furniture so that it’s here for when I come back for our anniversary and I can put it together over those few days, then at least we’ll be ready by the time I finish the tour. Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m fine, just tired,” She shrugged, willing the tears of happiness not to fall. He wasn’t leaving, he wasn’t going back on his word.

“You sure?” He asked running his hand down her arm, grabbing one of her hands in his.

“Yeah,” she nodded with a smile, “So where are we going to put the office?”

“There’s plenty of room in the studio,” he suggested.

“What about the smaller of the guest rooms? We could move it in there and loose the bed.”

“Then we’d only have to move it all again when the next one comes along.”

“The next one huh?” She asked with a smile.

“Yeah I mean you want more then one right? I was thinking at least three.”

“Three huh? Why don’t we work on getting this one out first,” she said rubbing her belly, knowing that although she still had her doubts with the way Nick was behaving she really didn’t have anything to worry about.

So why did she feel that it was all to good to be true? Why did she still let the dream plague her mind? Why did she think that one day she was going to wake up and realise that this had all been ripped away from her?

Adie lightly threw the magazine she had been reading down on the coffee table as she heard the volume increase above her, the depressing strains of some heavy metal song bleeding through the ceiling. This was CD Nick always chose to play when he was angry or pissed off but this time she knew it was because he was thinking too much, thinking about all the things they had discussed with Rebecca today.

She knew it was going to be hard for him and she knew he would probably shut off from her for the rest of the afternoon but the thing she found the hardest was the disinterest he had shown when she told him she thought the baby had the hiccups for the first time. Every other thing she told him that she had felt he had been so excited about, every week he had come to her after reading the email he got sent that updated him about how much she should be growing and what to expect now. He’d barely even acknowledged her this afternoon when she told him and that had really hurt. She sighed heavily when the volume increased some more and knew the longer she let him wallow in his misery the harder it would be to snap him out of it and the likelihood of a full blown argument would increase. She didn’t want that, not when he would be leaving in two days.

She made her way up the stairs and along the hallway until she reached the door to the nursery. Bracing herself for the sudden increase in volume she pushed the door open and her eyes fell on him immediately. He stood to the left of her, the roller in his right hand as he laid the lilac paint on to the wall in front of him but she could tell from the look on his face that he was somewhere completely different. His brow was furrowed, his eyes dark, his jaw clenched and all she wanted to do was go to him and wrap her arms around him but she knew her actions would not be received well and so she called his name. She wasn’t surprised when he didn’t hear her and she walked further into the room and turned down the volume of the CD player, that certainly got his attention.

“Too loud?” He asked turning back to painting quickly.

“Just a bit,” she smiled. “I was going to start dinner, any requests?” She asked, leaning against the only wall that was still the cream colour it had been originally.

“I’m not hungry,” He told her quickly.

“You didn’t have any lunch either,” She reminded softly. He’d been holed up painting all afternoon, it had been his way of escaping as soon as they had gotten home that morning from therapy.

“I want to get this coat on, I can make something for myself later,” He shrugged still not looking at her.

She held in her sigh and when she spotted the spare roller on the floor she grabbed it and dunked it into the tray that held the purple paint. It wasn’t until she went back to put a second layer of paint on the roller that he even realised she was still in the room.

“What are you doing?” He asked turning to her.

“Helping. If we both do this we can get it done quicker and spend some time together this evening.”

“You shouldn’t be in here because of the fumes,” he told her flatly, taking the roller out of her hands. She stared at him for a few seconds, wanting to call him out on his mood but she acted against it and conceded to his wishes.

“You’re right,” she said tilting her head to the side, “I’ll be down stairs.”

***

He watched out of the corner of his eyes as she left the room and let out a sigh before he walked over to the CD player switching it back on, making sure the volume was lower this time round. He knew how he was acting towards her, he knew he had closed off since they had come back from therapy, he knew he was upsetting her with the way he was acting but today had been so hard, so draining on him and yet his mind just couldn’t seem to close off.

It was like this wall he had built had been broken, like a door had been opened and no mater how hard he tried he just couldn’t find a big enough lock. It had taken him years to build the barriers, to be able to fool himself that his past didn’t get to him but today…all the wounds had been reopened and they stung just as much as they used to, maybe even more then they used to.

Nick wiped his eyes as the first tears began to fall, trying to sniff them back angrily. It was pathetic, he was over all this, it was in the past so why was he acting like a pussy now? Because he was at a time in his life where he was about to start his own family and instead of his parents being excited about the prospect of being grandparents like Izzy and Stuart were, he wasn’t even sure if his Mom and Dad even knew about his daughter and her impending arrival.

He wasn’t sure if he even wanted them to know. He didn’t want them to tarnish what was such a happy time in his life, then again they had managed to do that without even being there because he had barely spoken two words to Adie all afternoon. She didn’t deserve that just because he was hurting and pissed off at them, he was leaving in forty eight hours, he should have been relishing in the time left to spend with her instead of holding out in the nursery.

He applied the last coat to the wall and slowly stepped into the middle of the room, surveying his hard work, all the walls now painted the lilac colour that they had compromised on.

Nick slowly made his way down the stairs and walked up behind Adie who was in the kitchen, making her jump slightly when he slid his arms around her middle and rested his chin on her shoulder.

“You scared me,” she told him as she continued to chop the vegetables in front of her.

“Sorry,” he laughed before placing a kiss to her cheek. “What are you cooking?”

“Rogan Josh and yes there will be plenty for you,” she told him before he could even ask.

“With all this spicy food you’re craving are you sure this baby is mine?” He joked.

“Well…there was this one night with Howie,” she said but ended up laughing. “You okay?” She asked when he made no move to stop holding her.

“I’m sorry about this afternoon,” he whispered.

“Don’t be,” she said as she turned around in his arms so she could see his face. “I know today was hard but I’m happy that you opened up.” She wrapped her arms around his neck a bit her lip a sure indication she wanted to ask something but was having second thoughts.

“What?” he asked.

“Can I…” she stuttered, “Can I ask you about a journal entry you wrote?” She asked shyly.

He sighed not knowing if he could take anymore opening up today but when he looked down at her chocolate brown eyes he nodded his head and let her lead him into the living room. He noticed the four journals he had given her about a three weeks ago piled on top of the coffee table, on elying haphazardly open. He sat own next to her and took the journal she handed him.

“Read that one for me,” she said pointing to the entry and she did what he asked, remembering writing it on the flight back when she had been sleeping soundly next to him.

He finished reading the journal entry and placed it back on to the coffee table and looked to her questioningly.

“Did you mean it?” She asked.

He frowned not really understanding her question. “Mean what?”

“That you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” She asked softly and at that moment he knew she was afraid of what the answer would be.

“Yeah,” he nodded as he took her hand in his. “Yeah I meant it and I still want to.”

“I’m sorry,” she said running her thumb over his knuckles.

“Sorry for what?” he asked, again confused at what she was trying to get at.

“That should have been enough for me back then. I’m sorry I put so much pressure on you, on our relationship because at the end of the day sweetie all that matters is that we are together, and we’re happy and a ring and a piece of paper isn’t going to change the fact that we love each other, it isn’t going to make us love her any more then we already do,” she said placing her hand to her bump.

He smiled as he wrapped his arms around her and bought her closer to his chest, whispering into the hair, “I want you forever.”

Although she was happy at his words she couldn’t help but wonder if he meant it, after all the last time he had promised to love her forever he had given her the ring to symbolise that. “A Ma Vie De Coer Entier,” he had given her his whole heart for his whole life. Two months after he had given it to her, she had handed it back, so could she really be surprised that he wasn’t offering it up as willingly as before?

It was the call that everybody on the team hated. The E.M.T’s were on their way with a two week old who was in full cardiac arrest, they had no idea of the actual down time but the Father had told them that he had found her when she hadn’t woken for her four o’clock feed. The final thing the E.M.T had handed over was that the baby had been very cold on their arrival.

It was more then likely a SIDS case, a cot death, a case they would call after only working on the child for a few minutes because if they were cold it meant they had been gone for a few hours and nothing they tried was going to get them back. Adie had seen many children die, but to have to stop working on a baby was one of the hardest things and what made it even harder was that she knew there would be no reason she or the Doctor would be able to give the parents for the cause of loosing their child.

Adie replaced the radio and pushed back from the chair as she stood, placing her hand to her stomach protectively, as though what was coming in was contagious. She sighed as walked to one of the exam rooms where the Attending was sleeping because there was no way the Resident was going to be able to cope with this, she didn’t even know if she could but unfortunately for her she didn’t have a choice. They only scheduled one paediatric nurse on the night shift and tonight it was her.

“James?” She asked as she turned on the light, making the doctor moan. “You need to get up, we’ve got a two week old in full cardiac arrest about to pull up.”

“Oh shit…I’ll be right there,” he replied hoarsely, sleep still evident in his voice.

Adie closed the door and walked to one of the resuscitation rooms, she quickly gowned up, pulled some gloves onto her hands, and gathered the necessary equipment, taking deep breath in when she heard the familiar rushing of a gurney. The door burst open and she released the breath as she quickly took over managing the airway, pushing small breathes into the lifeless body as the Attending transferred the infant onto the warmer. Once the baby as hooked up to their monitors it was clear that the earlier information had been correct, the flat line indicated asystole, there was no electrical activity, their tiny heart was completely still. Adie looked to James, both of them clearly thinking the same thing, it was futile. She has been gone for a while.

“Parents?” He whispered.

“Just Dad,” he said quietly nodding his head towards the door and when Adie looked up she couldn’t catch her breath, the ambu-bag falling from her grip when she saw him.

“You said she’d be okay, you told me before you left that she was okay, you said she was fine, I trusted you!” He accused pointing his finger at her.

Adie looked from him to the baby, her hand travelling to her stomach only to find it completely flat, empty. She watched helplessly as James shook his head and switched off the monitor.

“Time of death oh four thirty five,” he solemnly said.

“No. No James. You have to keep going,” she protested picking up the ambu- bag again and placing it to the babies face forcing futile breaths into it’s lungs.

“I trusted you!”

“Nick…I…,” She stammered, her heart now pounding in her chest, as tears fell freely. She knew this wasn’t right, ten minutes ago her bump had been there, her baby had been safely nestled inside of her and now, apparently the infant who had just been pronounced dead was hers. It just didn’t make sense.

“You said she was okay, you promised me she was okay and then you left. I trusted you!”

“Nick,” She sobbed.

“I trusted you Adie!” He yelled making his way towards her grabbing her by the shoulders, shaking her slightly with every word he said. “I trusted you Adie.”

“I’m sorry Nick.”

“I trusted you Adie!” He yelled shaking her again.

She closed her eyes to try and hold back the sobbing but it didn’t stop him from calling her name, from trying to get her attention and she didn’t know how much longer she would be able to apologise for, he wasn’t the only one who had lost her, she had too.

She was going to tell him that but when she opened her eyes she realised that he wasn’t opposite her, he wasn’t level with her, he was above her, his hand tenderly stroking her face, the look on his face one of concern instead of the anger it had previously exhibited. She quickly turned her head to the side and looked around, realising quickly that she was no longer in a resus room but her own bedroom and when she felt the strong kick from within side of her she realised it had all been some awful dream.

“You okay?” Nick asked giving her hand a squeeze.

“Fine,” she mumbled, closing her eyes as she fought back the tears.

“That was some dream you were having,” he told her softly, having to move to the side of her when she made a move to get up and out of the bed after she had spied that the clock read 05:59.

“Yeah,” she agreed, hitting the off button when the clock began to alarm.

“Are we going to talk about them?” He asked making sure to increase the volume of his voice when he spoke the last word, and that was when Adie realised she hadn’t been as quiet as she thought she had with the previous dreams. She closed her eyes, her back to him, she couldn’t deal with this now, she was barely awake and had to be at work in an hour, so she continued on into the bathroom.

She stood under the hot spray and tried to wash away the feelings of uneasiness inside of her, the panic that had risen in her chest when she thought the dead infant was her own, the hurt she had felt when Nick had looked at her with such hatred in his eyes. Yes it had just been a dream, and yes she prayed every night that nothing like that would ever happen to her baby, to her family that was just beginning, but one thing she knew she couldn’t change was Nick’s lack of trust. It had always been an issue for as long as she had known him and it had angered her before because she had always been there for him but now it scared her because after what she did, if he had done it to her she didn’t know if she would ever be able to trust him again. She shook the thoughts from her head as she rinsed the soap from her body and turned off the shower.

She wasn’t surprised when she spotted Nick leaning against the door, his deep stare enough to make her head drop to the floor as she tried to move past him. She knew he wouldn’t let her and her heart began to beat faster when his hand took a light grip at the top of her arm, his other hand cupping her chin, forcing her to look at him. His eyes still showed a hint of sleepiness to them but they were also full of concern.

“What happened?” he asked softly.

“Nothing. It was just a dream it doesn’t matter,” she tried unsuccessfully.

“When you’re having them nightly it does matter.”

“It was a stupid dream, I’m fine,” she told him, managing to pull her arm free as she stalked past him and into the bedroom. She knew he would follow her but Adie was surprised that he didn’t loose his temper with her, that he actually kept completely quiet and watched her dress from the seat he took on the edge of the bed. She pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a tank top, the only comfortable things she knew she would want after her shift had ended and threw her bag over her shoulder as she made her way towards the door. She stopped when he grabbed her hand though.

“Call in sick,” he told her.

“I can’t,” she sighed, trying to pull herself free from him but Nick just held on tighter.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” he reminded.

“I know,” she said sadly.

“I was there wasn’t I?” he asked confusing her slightly.

“What?”

“In the dream? I was there.”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

“Tell me about it,” he pleaded.

“It was a stupid dream and I’m fine,” she tried again.

He still didn’t buy it. “You’ve been having them every night, and you’re obviously not fine because you’re still shaking from it,” he told her his hand lifting her trembling one to her eye level. She had hoped he had missed that, had hoped that it was just her insides trembling and not the outsides.

She pulled her hand from his quickly, “I’m just cold.”

He shook his head, his eyes narrowing before he held his own hands up in defeat, “Fine. Just go.”

“Nick-” She tried.

“No you obviously don’t want to talk to me about it so just go to work,” he said as he turned and walked into the bathroom, the bang of the door being shut making her jump.

She stared at the closed door for a few moments before she made her way towards the stairs. She angrily wiped the tears away when she finally sat down in the car and even toyed with going back inside to talk to him. He wouldn’t understand though and it would only end up with another argument, he was leaving tomorrow, she didn’t want to part on bad terms, by the time she would get home later, he would have forgotten about it. That way they would be able to spend their last night together happy. She got to the end of the driveway an indicated left but at the last moment she turned right, knowing that there was no way she was going to be able to concentrate at work.

***

Nick knew that if he didn’t walk away he would end up exploding at her, as much as he wanted to he knew it wouldn’t solve anything, in actual fact it would do just the opposite because it would push her further away. That was why he had walked into the bathroom without so much as a second glance when she had called his name. He sat on the edge of the tub and counted to ten and when he heard the front door slam shut he made his way back into the bedroom and watched her leave from the window. Wondering if work had just been an excuse when he watched her drive off in the opposite direction.

He had a feeling that the dreams were about him, she had been having them ever since she had returned. He had let them go at first, putting it down to the stress that had been caused from their separation, then from the emotions that had been released from therapy but last night? Last nights had been by far the worst she had had. She had been near on sobbing, her breath coming out ragged as she had chanted over and over again “I’m sorry Nick.”

It had sent chills up his spine because all he could imagine was her leaving again, her apology being for that. He looked over at the suitcases that he had packed last night and for the first time in his life he found himself not wanting to get back out on the road. All he wanted to do was stay with Adie forever but it wasn’t for the right reasons, it wasn’t because he loved her so much that he couldn’t bare to be parted from her, no, it was because he didn’t trust her enough to still be around when he returned in four weeks. If he stayed he could prevent that from happening or she would at least have to deal with him face to face if she wanted to leave again. He wouldn’t be subjected to the awful feeling of being abandoned yet again in his life.

He looked over at the rumbled bed but knew trying to get back to sleep now wouldn’t be easy because all he would be able to think about would be Adie. He spied the phone on his bed side table and sighed heavily he hated doubting her but he had to know because if she had been lying to him about having to go to work today he wouldn’t hold out much hope of her being there to greet him when he returned from the tour, at least this was he wouldn’t be surprised when she didn’t.

The phone rang but was hastily answered after about ten seconds.

“ER.”

“Er…Is Adie there?” He asked, not recognising the voice on the other end of the line.

“Patient?” The women asked quickly.

“No Nurse. Adrianna Jones,” he corrected.

“Oh Adrianna? She called in sick about five minutes ago, can I take a message?”

He found himself smiling as he replied, “No I’ll catch her later, Thanks.”

***

This smell reminded her of her childhood so much. It was musty, oily she could almost feel the tiny splints of wood that her father had sanded travelling up her nose. He hadn’t used the sander in over six months but it was a smell, a feeling she knew she would never forget and she hoped that her own daughter would feel like this in years to come. It might not be from sitting in an over crowded garage watching Nick fix up an old Mustang, it would more then likely be from sitting in a recording studio watching him work his magic and create music but she still hoped it would become her place to go if she ever had a problem.

She had known as soon as she had woken that she would not have been of any use at work, she had planned on calling in sick so she could spend the last full twenty four hours with Nick anyway but the dream had put an end to that. She couldn’t stay in the house with him knowing that all he would want would be to talk about it. Yes she didn’t need to talk about it but with him? She didn’t know how to broach the subject, not when he was so close to leaving anyway and so she found herself in the place where she had always found the most comfort, her parents home, talking to the guy who she knew would offer her the best advice.

Adie had always been closer to her Father then her Mother. He was a little more laid back about things, would let her get away with more, whereas her Mom was a lot like she was, very driven, goal orientated wouldn’t settle for less, they had clashed a lot during her teenage years and again she could see the same thing happening with her own child. Then she thought about what Nick had said during therapy.

If he could never trust her again, would their daughter have to choose? Would she grow up in a house hold as volatile as what he had done? Would she end up in therapy like the pair of them had? Would their daughter hate her as much as Nick seemed to detest his own Mother?

“Should I just end it now?” She asked the pair of legs that were sticking out from underneath the car. That was enough to make her Dad stop what he was doing and move out so he could see her. He stood so that he was level with his daughter who was currently sat on his work bench.

“Quit while you’re ahead?” He asked as he wiped the oil off his hands with a dirty rag.

“It’s not quitting,” Adie protested.

“You’ve just told me he doesn’t trust you and I’m sorry honey but what more can you expect? You left him, you let him come home to an empty house, to a note. I know you were unhappy but there were other ways to go about leaving him.”

“You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I hate myself for what I did to him? I was coward, I knew I couldn’t do it face to face because I knew he would talk me out of it,” she told him.

“Well to me it almost sounds as if you never wanted to leave in the first place. If he could talk you of it…if you have ever wanted to do something one hundred per cent Adie no one could ever talk you out of it you’re too much like your Mother in that respect,” he said with a roll of his eyes making her laugh a little.

“I just don’t know what to do Dad, I don’t see how this relationship can work without trust and I don’t want my baby to grow up in a hostile environment like he did. If…doing this now…she won’t know any different,” she said the hurt evident in her voice.

“You can’t make this decision based upon your child. If you want to do this, if you want to leave him it has to be because you don’t love him, and I really don’t think that’s true. So do you love him?” He asked.

She had to look away from her Fathers eyes and as she wiped her tears away chuckling when she said “I love him so much that I don’t care when he farts against my leg in the mornings when we’re in bed.”

“Then there is your answer honey, a slightly disturbing one, but it’s your answer. You just have to work at gaining his trust back,” he advised her.

“How?” She asked.

“By being honest with me, by talking to me.”

Adie quickly looked to the door that lead to the house and sure enough he was stood there, his hands in his jeans pockets. She could feel the blush creeping into her cheeks at being caught.

“How long have you been there?” She asked.

“Long enough,” he told her, smiling at Stuart.

“You called him didn’t you?” She said looking to her Father who was just about to answer when Nick spoke up.

“No he didn’t and neither did your Mom.”

“Then how…you called work didn’t you? You were checking up on me,” she said finally realising it was the only way he could have known she wasn’t at work.

“Honestly? Yeah I did. Now I’ve been honest with you, it’s your turn, come on, lets go and talk,” he told her holding out his hand to her.

***

It was only nine am but the heat from the sun was already warm and Nick knew that by midday Adie would have to seek not only the shade that the house had to offer but also the air conditioning, the extra heat from the ever growing bump in front of her too much to handle with the heat of summer. That was why he had to do this now, while it was still cool enough outside. He kept hold of her hand as he took her to the large willow tree that was situated at the end of her parents back yard.

He hadn’t heard as much of her conversation with Stuart as he had led her to believe but what he had heard had been enough. He knew, like her, that trust between the two of them was an issue, she didn’t think it could work between them if he didn’t trust her but right now he just couldn’t do that. He needed to make her understand why.

Nick let go of her hand and sat against the large trunk of the tree, signalling for her to sit between his legs and lean back against him. She did just that, her hands coming to rest upon his when he placed them on her rounded stomach.

“Tell me about the dream. Is it the same one?” he asked softly.

“It was until last night,” she whispered.

“What was the other one about?”

“You taking the baby leaving me,” she said quickly. She closed her eyes and could see it as clear as day in front of her, she knew exactly what would happening next, down to what he was wearing, what he would say, how he would look when the door shut.

“How did it make you feel?” he asked.

“The dream?” She clarified.

“Yeah.”

“I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my world was collapsing in around me and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I would wake up with my heart pounding in my chest, feeling sick to my stomach until I would look over and find you in the bed with me,” she told him.

He shifted at her words until she took the hint and moved so she was sat beside him, he needed to make her understand, needed to make her see how much pain she had caused him and he couldn’t do that if she was nestled safely in his arms. He needed to break away from her for this, he needed to be cruel to be make her understand and his face must have reflected that because he could already see the tears in her eyes. He wouldn’t stop though, he wouldn’t cave because this was making her feel uncomfortable and so he set his jaw and could feel the frown that consumed his whole face when he spoke his next words..

“Close your eyes,” he told her and even though he knew she didn’t want to she did. “Now instead of looking over and seeing me lying next to you I want you to imagine what it would be like to walk into the bathroom and see all my stuff gone, to walk into the closet and find my half empty of all my clothes. How does that make you feel?” he asked harshly.

He didn’t miss the tears that spilt from her closed eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t want to hear sorry Adrianna,” again he didn’t miss the wince when he called her by her full name, “I want to hear how seeing an empty closet, an empty bathroom, knowing that I walked away without an explanation makes you feel.”

She took a shaky breath, all the while keeping her eyes closed as she told him what he wanted to hear, “Like you never gave a shit about me, like I’m worthless. It makes me feel empty and alone and…and…” she couldn’t carry on when the sobs racked her body. Nick hesitated for a few seconds before his heart overruled his head and he wrapped his arms around her.

“Could you trust me after that?” he asked when she calmed down after a few minutes.

“No,” she admitted as she wiped her eyes and looked up to him.

“I’ve never been able to give my trust to people quickly Adie. I’ve had to be guarded to protect myself from getting hurt and I know you don’t really understand that but too many people have hurt me, I’ve let too many people in who have used my emotions against me, used my trust only to throw it all back in my face. You don’t know what it’s like to know people are only hanging out with you, being nice to you because of the amount of money you earn, because of the power they think you have in the industry. People like you Adie because of the person you are, not because of the job you do, it’s not that way with me,” he told her but he ensured his eyes never met hers as she shared this with her.

“I love you for you. I always have. I thought you were a pompous stuck up asshole when I first saw you in the ER, some pretentious brat with too much money. To be completely honest with you, I hate Nick Backstreet but I know I’ve really done damage to Nick Carter, to our relationship and if I could take it back I would,” she told him, grabbing his chin so he would have to look at her tear stained face.

“I know you love me for me but I think I am still having a hard time excepting that because you’re the first person in my life outside the guys, my family and Chris who ever has. But you have hurt me,” He whispered trying to keep his emotions in check.

“I know and I want to make it right, I just don’t know how,” Adie admitted.

“It’s not going to happen over night.”

“I know that, just tell me what to do to make it better,” she asked taking his hand.

“Just be here when I get home.”

Nick and Alex had been one of the first to arrive at the hotel in Newfoundland but neither had really said a word to the other as they headed towards their own rooms to check in with their families. Alex had been particularly quiet on the flight and Nick knew it was because he was having a hard time adjusting to not only travelling without Rachel but being so far from Max when he was only a few weeks old. Rachel had decided that travelling with Max at the early stage of his life was going to be too difficult and with Alex in agreement she was going to fly out for the last week of this leg, but inside Nick knew it was killing his best friend. It was bad enough that Nick was away from Adie when all the exciting things in her pregnancy were happening, he couldn’t imagine how it must have felt to be separated from a newborn.

He fell down against the comfy bed and closed his eyes thinking about the plans they were already drawing up for a South American leg of the tour. It was due to commence in February of the following year, the baby would only be three months old and he was certain that Adie would not want to follow, not with her being that young. It was going to kill him, to be that far apart from the pair of them for two and a half weeks, it was just about bearable now being so far from Adie. This was only the beginning as well.

They were already in talks about getting straight back in the studio, about a quick turn around for a new release while the momentum was still going and a new album always equalled a tour. It would mean more time away from home, more time away from his young family, less chance to see her develop and reach important milestones. Did he really want to be the Dad she could only speak to on the telephone before she went to bed? The type of Dad who would see her take her first step on a video tape? Be the kind of Dad who would lavish expensive gifts on her because he was never around to show her attention? Was it even fair to let Adie raise their child on her own?

He pinched at the bridge of his nose to try and stem the unmistakable pang in his head that would soon turn into a tension headache. Nick knew there were two ways of going about rectifying this problem, he either took the route Brian had or the one that Kevin had chosen and for the first time he finally realised how difficult the decision to leave must have been on his friend. He adored his job, hell he wouldn’t even call it a job, it was his life but at the end of the day it wasn’t going to last forever, his family would. Adie had voiced her opinions about how Brian and Leighanne had chosen to raise Baylee and even though she adored the child she didn’t agree with how he was so visible in the public eye, how exposed he seemed to be at sound checks, how he was tutored and didn’t really seem to socialize with other children his own age. So really it was a no brainer, she would not want to raise a child on the road and deep down when he thought about it Nick himself wasn’t so keen on the idea. He had started work at an early age, hadn’t really been able to socialize with kids his own age and as he had gotten older he had resented his parents for that.

He loved what he did though, he loved being on the stage and entertaining and he was not ready to give that all up. He was only twenty eight most people would still have other thirty odd years of working life left, sure he had enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life but it wasn’t about that. It was about entertaining and doing something and making people smile, not just sitting at home watching the days pass by. He knew it was going to be a huge argument waiting to happen but they both had enough problems to deal with, throwing all that into the mix would just be too much and he knew for now he was going to have to push it all to one side and hope that when the time came the answer would be clear.

He picked up the phone, wanting to hear Adie’s voice but instead of calling her cell he hit the call button for the home phone. It rang three times before clicking into answer phone mode and when he heard his own voice asking to leave a message he felt his heart begin to race, she wouldn’t have done it to him again, would she? He hadn’t even been gone twelve hours. He was just about to hang up when he heard the message abruptly stop and her breathless voice on the line.

“Hello?”

“It’s me,” he answered, a small smile creeping to his lips, his heart rate returning to normal.

“Hey sexy, you just get there?” She asked.

“Yeah. You okay?” He asked his voice slightly shaky.

“I’m good, are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” he replied a little too quickly.

“You sound funny,” she pointed out.

“I’m good.”

Silence greeted him from the other end of the phone and he knew if he could see her face that her eyes would have narrowed, her head would be tilted to the side and she would be giving him her best “don’t try and bullshit me look.”

She sighed before saying, “I was grocery shopping, I have to leave the house sometime Nick.”

“I wasn’t-” He didn’t get a chance to say the rest because she cut him off.

“Then why didn’t you call my cell? You never call me on the house phone baby,” She said. She didn’t sound angry or pissed off, if anything she sounded hurt and he almost felt ashamed of himself for not trusting her, for not giving her the benefit of the doubt but then he remembered she hadn’t really done anything to gain that back. If she was there when he got home then she could start to earn it back but until then he had to play it safe and if it meant always calling her on the house phone then she would have to deal with it.

“You still there?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he mumbled.

“I love you,” she told him softly and he managed a small smile.

“I love you too. How’s the bump?” he asked.

“Active!” She exclaimed with a laugh, “She’s been kicking up a storm today.”

“Yeah. You feeling okay?” He asked.

“I’m good, psyching myself up for work tonight,” She groaned.

“Grave yard shift again? You were on nights just before I left,” he remembered.

“I swapped with Claire, she’s got a romantic weekend away and I am going to be left cleaning up the puke in her wake. Did I ever tell you how much I love my job?” She joked making him laugh again.

“Oh I can see why, who doesn’t like cleaning up vomit and shit at five in the morning.”

“Don’t forget about sputum,” she sing-songed down the phone, knowing how just the thought would make him dry heave.

“You’re evil,” he whined.

“What? Suctioning custard coloured sputum up from an ET tube is so satisfying at that time of the morning, makes you hungry for apple pie and custard,” she joked, laughing hilariously when she could hear him gagging from the other end of the phone.

“You’re totally sick!” he exclaimed.

“It’s gross a job but someone has to do it baby. Nobody said saving lives was glamorous, although I might wear a pair if scrubs to the next awards thing we go to,” she rambled.

“Start a new trend?” he laughed.

“A new, more comfy trend.”

“Death to the guy who invented stilettos?”

“Absolutely, it could only be a man who invented them,” she told him. “Is it just you and Alex there, or have the other guys turned up yet?

“Just me and Alex, Brian isn’t due to land for another few hours and I have no idea what time Howie is due in.”

“So are you just going to chill tonight then?” She asked.

“Yeah, what are you doing?” he asked, hearing lots of noise coming from her end of the phone.

“Putting the groceries away and making dinner,” She told him.

“What are you going to have for dinner?”

“Chilli,” she answered with a giggle, knowing he would make a comment.

“Seriously what is it with all the spicy food?” he laughed.

“I don’t know I just have a hankering for it all the time. I finally finished the jar of Tabasco sauce that has been sat in the cupboard since I moved in with you and since then I’ve had two more jars, I’m buying it weekly,” she giggled.

“I suppose it’s better then you being addicted to kippers like Rach was,” he remembered. The stench used to be so bad, and it lingered for days on end, especially when you were in a small confined bus.

“Oh god, I don’t know how you managed to put up with that. Is Alex okay?” She asked.

“He’s really quiet. I think he’s missing them,” Nick mentioned finally moving so he was sat up on the bed.

“Are you missing me?” She asked.

“Depends. Are you missing me?”

“I think I’ll miss you tomorrow morning when I’m in need of a good foot rub,” she joked with a laugh.

“Jee thanks, I love you to,” he joked back.

“I’m kind of glad I’m doing a night shift because it means I don’t have to go to bed alone tonight, does that answer your question?” She asked.

“Don’t work to hard okay?”

“Oh trust me I plan on sitting on my ass answering the phones. I should go,” she said.

“I love you, I’ll call you tomorrow?”

“How about I call you because you’ll only call when I’m still asleep,” she reminded.

“Okay sweetie,” he laughed.

“Love you,” she said before she hung up.

***

Three days into the tour and the night insomnia that usually consumed Nick had started. It had always been the same and when they used to share rooms it always drove his room mate insane because he could never just lay in bed quietly, he would either try and start a conversation, or play on a games console and even though the sound would be muted Nick’s cries of “Die you alien scum!” would always wake the other person up. He still never seemed to manage to get the room to himself though, it always seemed to be Kevin or Howie as they were the eldest.

He looked over at the clock again and groaned when he saw that it was only ten minutes from the last time that he looked. It was useless just lying there because he would only get more pissed off with himself, which in turn would only make him less sleepy. Nick pushed the covers back angrily and walked to the small desk on the other side of the room, booting up his laptop he sent Adie a quick text message on his phone asking if he could call her.

He quickly received an answer.

He shook his head in disgust as he logged on and checked his email, not that there was really much new there due to the fact he had only checked in three hours previously. He clicked on his favourites list and when his eyes fell upon the Live daily tab he double clicked it, wanting to see what the fans though about this leg of the tour. He wasn’t prepared for one of the topics of discussion when the page loaded though and as soon as he saw the heading, “Nick is going to be a Dad!” He double clicked on it and read what the page had to offer.

Nick scrolled on a little further and that was when the grainy picture, probably taken from a cell phone, loaded onto the screen. Sure enough it was Adie at the nurses station, her scrub top in her left hand, the white tank top she had been wearing underneath stretched across her rounded stomach, making it quite obvious to everyone around that she was carrying a child. He quickly closed the tap, making the picture disappear. He placed his head in his hands as he swallowed an angry scream. She should have been more careful, why didn’t she go into the break room to do that? Her scrubs gave her more then enough space to conceal her bump, she didn’t even look pregnant in them when the top was on.

He shook his head as he lifted it from his hands. It wasn’t her fault, she never asked for this kind of attention, but she had gotten it whether she liked it or not and now he had to tell her that his fans now knew where she worked. He eyed his phone, it had been at least ten minutes since he had sent her the message, surely she would be finished now? He picked it up and hit the speed dial for her number and bought the phone to his ear waiting for her to pick up.

“Hey baby I was just about to call you back. Can’t sleep?” She asked.

“Not really. I uh…there’s something I need to talk to you about. Can you take a break now?” he asked.

“Yeah I’m in the break room now. What’s wrong?” She asked cautiously.

Nick closed his eyes before continuing, “Did you spill coffee down yourself earlier?”

“Mike spilt coffee down me actually,” she said before she realised what he had asked, “How do you know about that? Are you here?” She asked excitedly, making Nick cringe.

“No I’m not,” He hesitated before he quickly said, “The fans know.”

“Know what?” She asked.

“They know that you’re pregnant and they know where you work,” he said slowly, waiting from a reaction from her. When, after a minute she was still silent, he asked, “Are you still there?”

“How?”

“You treated a girl named Claire with a broken wrist, she managed to get a picture of you on her phone.”

“It’s all over the internet isn’t it?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he answered.

“So what do we do now? We’ve never really talked about this,” she asked him.

“I think it’s going to be the only question I’m going to get at sound check and I’m going to answer truthfully if that’s okay with you?”

“Well we can’t keep her a secret forever can we? Not with Backstreet CIA anyway. So what was said?”

“What?” he asked but he knew what she was getting at.

“What did they have to say about it?” She asked her tone low.

“They were cool about it,” he lied but when she laughed down the phone at him he knew she hadn’t bought it.

“Liar. I should just steer clear of any message boards right?” She asked.

“Yeah baby you should. I love you.”

“I know you do, I love you to. I have to go okay?”

“Alright. I’ll call you tomorrow,” he told her but she had already hung up.

***

It had been a hectic few days since the news of her pregnancy had broken, the media seemed to go into a frenzy about it, the news had even made the covers of three national magazines, the entertainment sections of both local and national newspapers and seemed to be on constant rotation on E News. It was like the nation were expecting the birth of royalty and to be quite frank it was all a bit too much for Adie.

True to his word Nick had answered the very first question that had been asked at the sound check the following day. She hadn’t watched the You tube video yet but according to Rachel there were about seven different videos, from seven slightly different angles all with close to several hundred thousand hits. Adie had naively hoped that things would start to settle down after that but things just seemed to worse, to the point where she dreaded turning on the TV or logging on to check her email. The temptation was just too much, and she had looked at one of the sites. She had blamed the tears that had fallen on her hormones, but in reality the comments had gotten to her, just like they had when her and Nick had first started dating. People could be damn right cruel, would scrutinise you for every tiny detail and for what? For just trying to be happy? For being with Nick?

He couldn’t win either. He changed one tiny thing and there would be threads devoted to it for days, trying to dissect why he had chosen to do that, why he had chosen to have a white range rover when Green was his favourite colour and black was more “Trendy.” When he had first started losing all the weight fans who had previously called him fat begged for him to put the weight back on because he was looking to gaunt. You just couldn’t please these people and Adie understood that, you could be the nicest person in the world to them and they would stab you in the back soon as look it you given half the chance.

The final straw had hit two hours previously. It had been her first day shift back after her nights, and she had only been three hours into the shift when she got the impression that things were being hidden from her by her work mates. She had soon found out what that was when she walked passed curtain area four.

That part had felt so good, it was what had occurred after that Adie was pissed off about. Mike had pulled her aside, apparently word had gotten back to management about the sudden increase in time wasters in the ER, they were quite rightly linking it to Adie’s news and they weren’t happy with the effect it was having down in the pit. They had suggested that she take a leave of absesnce until it cleared up.

She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t sit around and let the little bitches ruin her life just because she was with him. They weren’t just attacking her mentally, they had now affected her career, her way to make her own living, they had in essence taken her independence from her. She had known from the start that being with him, that being in the public eye was not going to be easy but she hadn’t realised it was going to be as had as it had just become. She was twenty nine, a grown woman and she could barely handle it, how did she expect a child to live like it? It just wasn’t fair.

She heard her cell phone go off as she zipped her bag shut and placed it on top of the case before she reached for the vibrating phone. She saw Nick’s name flash up on the caller I.D but instead of pressing the accept call button, she hit ignore and after that she switched the phone off. She yanked the shoulder bag up and hauled it over her shoulder as she carried the heavy bag out to the car and for the second time that year she let the heavy oak door slam behind her, and again for the second time that year Adie didn’t look back.

Not even once.

I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away from the troubles in my life
I’m walking away oh to find a better day
I’m walking away

Song Credit: Craig David - I’m walking away

The day was warm, not a cloud in the baby blue sky, the sun shining brightly from above, a perfect day to chill out in the sun, to let your worries leave whilst enjoying the rays, but instead of doing that Adie had cooped herself up in her car. She had no idea where she was headed, at first she had convinced herself that she was just taking a short trip, maybe a couple of days with Rachel, just enough to make her see that life with Nick and everything that went with it could be bearable. She couldn’t fathom why she had driven straight past her sisters home but she had. When she did it three more times, past three more houses she knew she had a problem, maybe Nashville was her problem. She just needed to get away, just out of the state, just for a few days, that was all it was going to be, a mini vacation, just some time to herself.

She quickly switched off the radio when the “entertainment news” started to broadcast, the opening headline being about her pregnancy. There were people starving to death in Africa, troops were dying in Iraq but all people seemed to care about was that she was carrying Nick’s child. She had worked so hard to stay out of the tabloids, to not be a part of that side of his life because she knew that wasn’t the real him, she didn’t like that side of him, he was too much of a show off, too cocky, but that had all changed because of one stupid fan. It made her so angry that a fan who couldn’t keep their mouth shut had given away where she worked, had leaked it to all the fans, sure the thread had been closed pretty quickly after that but it was too late, the damage had already been done. Just because the thread was closed didn’t mean people couldn’t email others with the details. She had been dating him for near on three years and she had worked damn hard to make sure details like that didn’t escape to the media, sure they knew she was a nurse but there were hundreds of possible places she could have worked. If this effected her choice in work environment she was not going to be best pleased and maybe it was like Michelle had said, maybe it would just be easier to let the little cronies win. Maybe then she could go back to having a normal life.

Oh no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said,
Oh no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turned to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

I never meant to cause you trouble,
And I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
O no, I never meant to do you harm.

She had always hated the fact that they could never seem to just be normal people when they went out anywhere. She always felt on edge, she was always too aware of her surroundings, like she was just waiting for him to get recognised so that their night would have to be cut short. It had been worse when they were in L.A, but since it had become common knowledge that Nick had moved to Nashville, that one of their favourite night spots was The Tin Roof, you could pretty much guarantee there would be a fan there most weekend nights, just to see if he would turn up. She wasn’t stupid, she knew that without the fans he wouldn’t have the success that he had been blessed with, he wouldn’t have the lavish lifestyle that he shared with her, hell they probably would never have met and it made her wonder whether her life would have been a lot simpler if they hadn’t. After all she had never asked for all this attention.

Adie saw the signs for the airport and knew that if she was really going to be able to clear her head, that she would have to be as far away from Nashville as she could. She parked the car in a daze and headed towards the main terminal, dragging her case behind her. Sitting in the terminal for an hour didn’t help her in her decision about where to go and so she fished around in her purse for a dime, heads she stayed in the states, tales she left. She flicked the coin and watched as it landed on her hand.

“Tales, okay so somewhere out of the states,” she mumbled to herself.

She looked to the departures information, narrowing it down to international flights that were leaving within the next hour and half. It gave her an option of four possible destinations. London, “Yeah like I’m going to head back there,” She thought to herself as she continued to scan the board, Brazil, Canada or Mexico. She mentally jotted down the airline company of the destination she decided on and headed towards the sales desk, deep down knowing she was making a mistake.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
But here am I in my little bubble

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

She wasn’t the one to blame this time. This time it was definitely for the best because she wasn’t putting herself first, she was putting their daughter first, his fans had made the decision for her.

***

Nick knew she had cancelled the call because it just cut straight off without going to voicemail. He didn’t think she was working but if she had been called in unexpectedly it made sense that she would have forgotten to turn the ringer off and would have had to cancel the call. She always called him back though, or at least sent him a text, she always found the time, even when it got crazy busy she would always text him even if it was just one word “busy”.

He hadn’t even received that, and that was what first started to get Nick worried. It had been four hours since he had tried calling her cell and all through the press conference and sound check he had been so preoccupied with his phone that Howie had eventually taken it away from him.

“Can I have my phone now?” Nick asked like some school boy who had had his favourite toy taken away from him.

Howie looked to him disapprovingly before he reached into his back pocket and handed the item to Nick. “I know you miss her but it doesn’t look very professional does it?”

“I’m worried about her, I tried calling and she hasn’t called me back or text me,” he tried to explain.

“She’s probably busy man. You’re not going to turn into a bunny boiler are you?” He joked with a laugh.

“It’s not like her,” Nick said as he punched in Adie’s number and bought the phone to his ear. He could only sigh when he got her voicemail. “Baby it’s me, can you call me back? Or just text me to let me know you’re okay. Love you.”

He hung up and called the house phone but again instead of hearing her voice he got his own asking him to leave a message. He repeated what he had just said on her cell phone voicemail and hung up again as he headed towards catering to eat something before the show.

***

Adie had just about made the flight by the skin of her teeth and she breathed a sigh of relief as she sat down, chuckling slightly when the belt was almost a little too tight around her expanding stomach.

“Just made it huh?” the woman sat next to her asked.

“Yeah,” she smiled.

“How far along are you?” She asked looking down to Adie’s bump.

“Little under six months, I’m due in November,” she replied, her hand unconsciously resting on her bump as she felt her daughter move.

“Enjoy the peace you have left now. My little monster is at home terrorizing his Father as we speak,” she laughed.

“How old?” Adie asked as the plane began to taxi.

“Three. I tell you I have no idea where he gets his energy from, I’m just glad I’m not doing it alone you know? I don’t know how some women can, it’s exhausting,” she sighed.

Adie nodded in agreement her smile fading at the women’s words, thankfully she didn’t have to say anything as the Stewardess announced over the PA system that the pre flight checks were about to take place and called all passengers note the safety demonstration. She glanced ahead at the women not really paying much attention to what was being said, she had seen it all before. All she could think about was how Alex and Brian used to make up their own instructions that would all eventually lead to kissing their asses goodbye, which in turn would make Nick even more uneasy about flying.

Could she really leave him again?

Could she raise a child on her own?

***

Nick had felt his phone vibrate through the opening number and had tried, unsuccessfully, to see if it was from her when Howie had been addressing the audience before “You can let go”. It had taken a long half an hour to get to the point where he could finally check his message and that’s why he was so disappointed when it turned out to be from his brother. Where the hell was she?

His disappointment turned into anger by the time the concert was over and as soon as he was off the stage his phone was to his ear as he left her an angry voicemail on her cell.

“Where the hell are you?! All I asked for was a text message so I know you’re not laying dead in a ditch somewhere. I get you’re pissed off about the fans but I can’t really control that. Call me!”

“Woah, what was that about?” Brian asked as he towelled some of the sweat from his head.

“She’s not answering my calls,” Nick huffed as he yanked his t-shirt off and threw it against the wall.

“Damnit Nick, I’m not your slave,” Marissa, the wardrobe assistant, yelled at him, “Don’t blame me when all you’ll be going out on stage on is your underwear.”

“Is she working?” Brian asked as he headed towards the dressing room.

“She shouldn’t have been and even if she was she should have called me by now. I called this morning, like twelve hours ago,” Nick told him as he kicked off his shoes.

“Called her parents? Rachel?” Brian suggested.

“Not yet.”

“Well try them, I’m sure there is some reason she’s not answering her calls.”

Twelve hours had turned into thirteen and then fifteen and by the seven am the following morning, coming up on almost nineteen hours since she had cancelled the call, Nick was going out of his mind with worry. On Brian’s advice he called Rachel but she hadn’t seen her or heard from her since the previous day when Adie had been venting about the leak of where she worked. She assured Nick that they had talked it out, that by the time she left she seemed okay and she also promised to go to the house first thing in the morning to see if she was in. He hadn’t wanted to worry her parents but it seemed like the next logical place, after all people knew where Alex and Rachel lived, if she wanted to get away from that her parents place was hidden enough. He apologised for calling so late and had hoped that they were going to tell him to stop worrying, that Adie was with them and that she was safe, her Father hadn’t been able to do that for him, the last time he had seen Adie being the day she had turned up unexpectedly at seven am.

After that Nick had called the police in Nashville, but they wouldn’t except a missing persons report for twenty four hours, at that point it had only been twelve and half, he only had five more hours until he could officially declare her missing now. He hadn’t slept a wink on the trip from Halifax to Ottawa, instead choosing to sit in the living area at the front of the bus. At first he had been busy with trying to track her down, he had called so many of her friends who hadn’t seen her, emailed her, tried her cell dozens of times, the same damn voicemail answering, it didn’t even ring just went straight to it. As the night drew on his attempts became fewer, his mind filling with all the awful things that could have possibly happened to her. Maybe she had slipped in the shower? Been involved in a car accident? Been attacked? Or maybe, just maybe, she had done the one thing she promised she wasn’t going to do again.

Maybe she had left, but this time maybe she had left for good.

“Dude you look like shit, have you slept at all?” Alex asked as he made his way down the stairs carefully as the bus slowed.

“She’s still not answering my calls,” he replied flatly, staring at his cell phone, willing it to ring.

“Seriously?” Alex asked, the concern etched in his voice.

“Nobody’s seen her Jay, I’ve called everyone.”

“You called the police?” he asked as he sat opposite Nick.

“I’ve got five hours until I can report her missing but the thing is I don’t know whether she is missing or whether she’s just left again. I don’t know which one I want more because if she has left then at least she’s okay, but…she wouldn’t do it again would she?” He asked a stray, frustrated tear escaping from his eye.

“Things have been good haven’t they?” Alex asked.

“I wouldn’t say good,” he mumbled, “They’ve been better, we’ve been more open with each other. What if it was just an act? What if she really has left again?”

“Why would she have come back in the first place then?” Alex asked.

“Maybe…with all the stuff that’s happened these past few days, maybe it’s been too mu-” he stopped mid sentence and grabbed for the phone when it started to ring, smiling when the caller ID said it was from his house.

“Baby?” he asked hopefully, his smile fading when he heard Rachel’s voice.

“Sorry Nick it’s only me. She’s definitely not here. Where do you guys keep your passports?” She asked.

“Why?”

“It looks like she’s taken off,” Rachel said.

“All her stuffs gone?” He asked panicked.

“NO,” Rachel corrected, “No some of her stuff is gone, like her toothbrush, her overnight bag, one of her suitcases.”

“Her passport should be in the top drawer of the desk that’s in the studio,” Nick shared.

“Okay, I’ll go check now,” she told him and he stayed quiet, shhing Alex when he asked what was going on. He heard as Rachel made her way into the office, heard as she opened the drawer and then he waited for her answer. “Passports gone Nick,” she said flatly and with that he hung up.

He buried his head in his hands and let Alex answer his phone when it began to shriek again, it would only be Rachel anyway and at that point the didn’t feel much like talking to anyone. All he wanted to know was that Adie was safe, that they both were safe, and yet knowing that she had left of her own accord still didn’t fill him with the hope that they were. It didn’t explain why she wasn’t answering her cell phone, why she hadn’t been in touch with anyone else, it was totally out of character for her, except for that one time three months ago when she had done the same, when she had walked away because things got too rough.

***

The plane ride had been long, cramped and bumpy. The whole time all she could think about was him, how he would have complained that there wasn’t enough room for his long legs, how quiet he would have gone when the turbulence struck, how much he would have started to annoy her when he got bored. She waited as everyone else exited the plane, not wanting to be caught in all the pushing and shoving, but it also gave Adie a chance to really think about the decision she had made, she knew it was the right one, it was the only way she was going to be truly happy, it was the only way her daughter was going to get the life that she deserved.

“M’am? Is there a problem?” The Stewardess smiled from the isle, breaking Adie from her thoughts.

“No,” she smiled back, “No I was just waiting for everyone else.”

I've been roaming around

Always looking down at all I see

Painted faces fill the places I can't reach

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

***

Someone like you

And all you know

And how you speak

Countless lovers undercover of the street

You know that I could use somebody

You know that I could use somebody

Someone like you

Nick had travelled the remaining four hours of the journey in his bunk. He had told Alex, and Brian when he appeared, that he was going to get some sleep, that hadn’t happened though. Instead he had listened to his IPOD hoping that the heartbeat would lull him off to sleep but he made the mistake of looking at the video that accompanied it, the one of his daughter at the very last scan they had been too. They had been fighting then too.

It was then he decided that if Adie wanted to leave she could, but she was going to have one hell of a fight on her hands if she thought she was getting custody of their daughter. He was not just going to be pushed aside, he was going to matter in her life, he was going to be the one she would want to be with and he would make sure that she knew he hadn’t been the one to make her life the way it was.

When the bus finally reached the hotel he made his way towards the front of the bus, making sure to tell Q that he did not want to stop for the fans this morning, at that point all he wanted was to get to his hotel room and report her missing. She might have run but he was damn sure going to find her, and he was damn sure going to get custody of his daughter. The fans voiced their disapproval at Nick not stopping but he knew the others would cover for him, so what if he was the bad guy for five minutes, his fans were so fickle that he would be forgiven if he apologised in his next blog.

He checked in quickly and made his way to the bank of elevators, his eyes on his sneakers, it was easier to avoid attention that way, if he didn’t make eye contact with anyone he was golden. It worked wonders and within five minutes he was in his room on the seventeenth floor, sat in the arm chair, his cell phone to his ear as he waited for the call to the Nashville Police Department to connect. The call was answered promptly just as Alex made his way into the room.

“Nick?” he asked. Nick just shrugged him off, signalling that he was on the phone.

“Yes I’d like to report someone missing,” he said to the women on the phone.

“Nick?” Alex tried again but again Nick ignored him.

“Adrianna Jones,” he answered when the women asked whom he was reporting.

“Nick?” He heard his name called again but the voice wasn’t gruff like Alex’s was, hell it wasn’t even male and sure enough when he looked past his friend he saw Adie stood just inside the doorway.

Off in the night

While you live it up I'm off to sleep

Waging wars to shape the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice

I hope it's gonna make you notice

Someone like me

Someone like me

Someone like me

I’m ready now

I’m ready now

I’m ready now

Song Credits: Coldplay - Trouble

Kings of Leon - Use Somebody

Adie knew what hotel they were staying at, she also knew that any Backstreet fan worth her salt would also know, and that was where she hit her first snag. The entrance was surrounded and unless you had a key or a booking reference, access was being denied. She had attempted to use her cell phone, cursing herself when she realised how long it had actually been turned off for, but when she tried to switch it on the battery only lasted for about ten seconds and she remembered that before she left Nashville it had been beeping incessantly at her reminding her to charge it. She hung back at the Starbucks across the street, making sure she had a good view so she could see them arrive but also keeping a low enough profile so she wasn’t spotted.

After twenty minutes she saw the first of the buses  arrive, and so made her way outside towards it. Nick was the first to get off, with Q not far behind, and she was sure she would be able to get at least one of their attentions whilst Nick signed for autographs. She was a little shocked when Nick kept his eyes to the ground and walked quickly towards the entrance of the hotel, not once meeting the faces of the fans who had probably been stood there for hours. It was very unlike him and she knew that the shit was most definitely going to hit the fan when he came face to face with her.

Alex was next off the bus and with all the commotion that ensued with not only him but Brian signing autographs she pleaded her case to the doorman once again. Again she was denied access and she couldn’t really blame him, it was probably his jobs worth to let someone in who wasn’t supposed to be there. So again she was left to wait and a few minutes later Alex almost walked by her unnoticed until she called his name.

“Adie?” He asked surprised, grabbing her hand quickly when a few fans repeated the name. Cameras were aimed in her direction but luckily the flashes only got her back as Alex walked her into the foyer of the hotel.

“What the hell was that?” She asked.

“Get used to it sweets, they were the same when Rach was pregnant, they are going to be like vultures when she comes out with Max,” he told her. “What are you doing here?”

“I’ve been asking myself the same question,” she said as she followed Alex to the bank of elevators.

“He doesn’t know you’re here does he?”

“No. What was with him earlier, why didn’t he stop?” She asked stepping on to the elevator, Alex taking the case from her.

“He’s been going crazy, convinced that you’re either dead in a ditch somewhere or have left again. Why didn’t you tell anyone where you were going?” He asked.

“Because -” she started but was cut off by Alex.

“SHIT!”

“What?” She asked panicked.

“He’s probably on the phone to the police now.”

“Police?” She questioned.

“It’s been twenty four hours since he spoke to you last, he was going to report you missing,” Alex told her, taking off down the hall when the elevator doors opened, yelling to Q about which room was Nick’s. Adie followed behind and stood in the doorway of what was Nick’s room as Alex tried to get his attention but Nick carried on his conversation anyway.

“Yes I’d like to report someone missing,” he said to the other person on the phone.

“Nick?”

Alex tried again but again Nick just carried on “Adrianna Jones,” he said and it was then she knew she had to speak up.

“Nick?”

He must have leant forward so that he could see past Alex, she saw him relax slightly but then he turned from her, continuing his conversation on the phone.

“She’s uh, she’s just turned up actually. I’m sorry to waste your time,” He said down the phone, listening to what was being said from the other end of the line. “Thanks for your help, bye.”

He shut the phone off and placed it down on the table but he didn’t make any move to get closer to her, he didn’t speak to her, he didn’t even look at her and that was when she knew it was only going to be a matter of moments before he exploded.

Obviously feeling the tension in the room heighten Alex also made to effort to leave and so the three of them remained silent. That was until Alex’s cell phone began to ring, he grabbed for it out of his pocket as quickly as he could.

“It’s Rach,” he said softly to Adie, “Do you want me to stay?” She shook her head no and moved aside so he could leave the room, gently closing the door behind him. She walked further into the room, kicking off her shoes as she sat down on the bed, but still Nick remained silent the only change was his icy glare directed towards her.

“Are you not pleased to see me?” She asked, knowing that no matter what she said it would only end up in an all out fight.

“Where the hell have you been?” He hissed, his pupils small, his eyes deep blue with rage.

“I’m sorry,” she apologised.

“I don’t want to hear you’re sorry, because frankly your apologies are worthless. Why the hell didn’t you call me?” He asked but he didn’t give her enough time to answer, his tirade carrying on. “I’ve been worried to death about you, I called everyone and nobody had seen or heard from you, do you know the kind of things that have been running through my mind? You could have been lying dead in a ditch somewhere, I had visions of you slipping in the god damned shower and breaking your neck, I-”

“You thought I left again,” she finished for him in an equally angry tone.

“Yeah,” he nodded, “Is that what you want to hear? Yeah I thought you left again. You go on and on about how you want to earn my trust back but I’ve been gone five minutes and you pull a stunt like this,” he ranted standing up. “Why the hell didn’t you just call me to tell me you were coming?”

“Because I didn’t know I was coming here,” she said quickly. It was the only was she was going to be truthful with him, she knew she had to tell him, even if it was going to be hard for him to hear. It stopped him instantly and she stayed silent after her admission waiting for him to respond.

“So you were leaving again,” he stated softly, his shoulders sinking.

“I didn’t know what I was doing.”

“You packed a bag,” he said pointing at her suitcase, “You got your passport out, people don’t do that unless they are planning on going somewhere and if your first plan wasn’t about coming to see me, then where the fuck were you heading?” he asked the anger returning to his voice.

“Don’t swear at me Nick, I think I deserve a bit more respect then that,” she told him bluntly.

“Respect?” he nodded, “Have you respected me? Did you respect me enough to call me? TO CALL SOMEONE?!” he yelled as he kicked her case to the floor. She watched as his anger spilled out into physical aggression, knowing that it wasn’t just about today. This was about everything, his parents, her leaving, the fans finding out, this was Nick’s only way with dealing with it, to lash out at things, to break things, she had seen him do it many times when they had first started dating but it had been a while.

“I wasn’t thinking clearly,” she tried to explain.

“Obviously-” he tried to interject but she cut him off by standing and becoming equally as angry.

“LET ME FINISH!” She yelled, “I never asked for this Nick, I never wanted to be in the spotlight, I never wanted people writing about me, or trying to take pictures of me.”

“It’s part of my life, it’s part of who I am and if you can’t deal with that-”

“If I can’t deal with that what?” She said cutting him off, “We’re finished? You have no idea how close I came yesterday to doing that, to finishing us for good. Do you know how hard it is to deal with being called a bitch, and a slut and trailer trash and a gold digger just because I’m with you? Do you know how embarrassing it was when the ER’s time wasters went up by twenty percent overnight just because “Nick Carter’s knocked up girlfriend” worked there?” She yelled but she knew it wouldn’t be long before the tears would start to fall. “I never wanted this, all I ever wanted was a normal life, with husband and a few kids but instead I met you,” she said her breath catching as the first tears escaped.

“Biggest mistake of your life right?” He finished for her, crossing his arms over his chest. She walked towards him, shaking her head in disagreement, “No. I have never felt they way I feel when I’m with you,” she told him as she uncrossed his arms so she could take his hands in hers. “I can’t do this on my own, I can’t raise a child on my own and I don’t want to run anymore.”

He squeezed her hands as he told her, “I don’t want you to run either.”

“I love you, I think I loved you from the moment you bought me coffee and saw me in underwear with one hell of a hangover,” she semi laughed through her tears making him smile back at her. “I just can’t seem to stop screwing up.”

“But you’re here, it might not have been the way to go about it, but you are here,” he told her softly as he sat her down on the bed, him sitting next to her.

“I almost wasn’t,” she sniffed.

“Doesn’t matter, you’re here,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I got so angry.”

“You don’t have to apologise, you had every right to be mad. I was just confused Nick, my head was screaming at that all this shit wasn’t worth it, dealing with comments, and the media attention…I don’t need that hassle in my life. God knows I already have enough crap to deal with. I don’t take criticism well, I hate not being liked, I do things to please people, I do things to try and have an easy life. Most of the time that means following decisions made by other people, or running away when things become to difficult, I’ve been doing it my whole life,“ she admitted as she stared at the wall in front of them.

“Screw everybody else, put yourself first for once. It doesn’t matter what I think, what your parents think, what the media thinks. What do you want?” He asked.

She was quiet for a few moments before she looked to him, her answer being, “To be happy.”

“Are you not happy now?” He asked unsurely.

“I look at my life, I look at what we had a year and a half ago, are we ever going to get that back?” She asked softly a few tears escaping.

“We can damn well try,” he told her as he leant in to wipe the tears away.

“You know the day…when you turned up at Chelle’s after you…you said I was the only thing that made sense in your life?” She asked and he nodded, “I need you in my life,” she admitted.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he smiled.

“You’re the only guy who…you look at me like I’m the only person in the world, you’ve done so much for me and I walked from you and you still want me. I guess I just don’t believe that I’m worth the trouble.”

“You listen to me,” he said placing his hands on each of her cheeks, “That’s your problem right there. You don’t value yourself enough, you let people put you down and you believe what they say. I’ve got news for you Sugar puff, YOU matter. I learnt a long time ago you can’t please everybody, there is always going to be somebody out there who doesn’t like what you think, what you wear, or what you look like. You know what I say to those people?” He asked.

“What?” She sniffed.

 “FUCK YOU!” He yelled as he let her go of her cheeks, smiling widely when she began to laugh. “C’mon say it with me.”

“Fuck you,” she said softly, making him roll his eyes.

“I know you can do better then that, C‘mon from the diagram,” he said, nudging her arm.

“FUCK YOU!” They both yelled together.

“What’s going to make you happy Adie?” he asked.

“Being with you and I know that in order to be with you I have put up with the attention, I have toughen up to it because at the end of the day the only way I know I am going to be truly happy is by being with you and by growing old with you,” she told him as she wiped at her eyes.

His gaze had dropped to the floor, just like it always did when conversations got too heavy, or when he was being complimented but she could see the smile that had formed on his lips at her words.

“You mean that?” He asked shyly.

She nodded, “Just you Carter.”

***

Having not slept at all for almost twenty seven hours it didn’t take long for Nick to drift off once his head had hit the pillow. After all he knew Adie was safe, she had been lying right next to him, nestled safely in the crook of his shoulder, her long her tickling his chest, her breath warm against his skin.

He awoke some hours later, but when he went to give her a squeeze he found her to be too squishy and when he cracked one of his eyes open her realised that it wasn’t her at all, just the pillow she probably hadn’t used, his chest being apparently more comfortable then a feather down pillow. He smiled as he moved the pillow to her vacant side of the bed, it was a trick she had started long ago. She would wake up for work at some ungodly hour, far too early for him to be up but he would miss the weight of her, the feel of something nestled against his skin and that would wake him to the point where he would not be able to return to sleep in the lonely bed. The pillow was just the right shape to fool him, and so when she was working, he would always wake up to her pillow instead, his surrogate Adie.

He knew from the sound of the water running and her off key singing that she was in the shower and he remained in bed for a few moments, smiling at her attempt at hitting some of the higher notes to the song. He eventually pushed the covers back and made his way towards the bathroom, making sure to open the door quietly so he wouldn’t disturb her singing, the song blaring from her Iphone. He leant against the sink as some of the steam cleared and laughed when he saw her singing into the shampoo bottle. His laughter made her turn her head quickly but she didn’t stop her singing.

“You’re thinking so complicated, I’ve had it all up to here, but it’s so overrated, love and hate it ,wouldn’t trade it, love me jaded,” she sang loudly, and very off key before she strummed on her air guitar. “I may need a backing singer,” she told him as she pulled open the clear door to the shower. He accepted her offer, stepping into the shower taking the shampoo bottle from her.

“J-j-j-j-jaded, there aint no baby please when I’m shooting the breeze with her, when everything you see is a blur, and ecstasy’s what you prefer,” he sang, a lot better then what she had, into the shampoo bottle.

She laughed as he started busting his moves in the shower, he picked up the bottle of conditioner and used the bottles as best he could as drum sticks, the loud clanks against the tile sure to drive the person in the next room insane. She took one of the bottles from him before wrapping her arms around his neck, she leant up like she was about to kiss him but at the last minute she pulled back, and tugged until his face was directly under the spray of the shower. She almost died laughing as he coughed and spluttered at the shock, knowing she would be in for it. He didn’t disappoint, grabbing for her arm he made sure she couldn’t escape the spray as he turned the water down to near on freezing.

“FUCK NICK!” She screeched when the water hit her skin making her shiver.

 “Paybacks a bitch,” he told her as he turned the temperature back up before leaning down to kiss her.

He could feel her smile as she leant in to the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck, his hands found their way down her sides, his hands resting on her ass. He gave it a light squeeze as he pulled her body closer to his, he smirked when he felt her start to twiddle some of the short hairs at the nape of his neck, whilst her other hand trailed down his chest, eventually coming to rest on his hip. He took the initiative and pulled his lips away from her, instead choosing to trail feather kisses down her neck and along her collar bone, her soft moans echoing throughout the shower. He was soon moaning along with her when he hand trailed further, her index finger tracing the dark hairs surrounding his hardening cock. Adie slipped her spare hand under his chin, making him move his lips from the spot just behind her ear, she bought them back down to her own, her tongue massaging his within seconds.

Following his lead she stepped out of the shower, still connected by mouths. She didn’t know what happened next, maybe his feet got tangled, maybe it was due to the fact that his feet were wet and there was not a towel on the floor, but he ended up on his ass.

“SHIT!” He yelped, his hand coming to rest just above his eye to obviously try and ease the pain of where he hit it against the corner of the square set sink.

“Oh my god,” she exclaimed, bending down to his level, “Are you okay?”

"I don’t know what hurts more, my head or my ass,” he whined.

She bit on her lip to try and keep from laughing out loud at him but it didn’t work. She ended up near on crying with laughter as he playfully glared at her.

“That’s fine, just laugh at me when I’m naked, venerable and have a broken ass, Oh fuck,” he moaned when he removed his hand from his head and saw the crimson stain on his hand.

“C’mere,” she laughed as she held out her hand to him. He took hold of it and let her help him up, she kissed the tips of her fingers before she placed her hand on his butt, “There the toosh is all better, now let me look at your head,” she said making him smile.

Nick hissed slightly when she touched the wound making it sting. She threw him a look that told him to grow up before she reached for some tissue to try and clean up some of the blood, she inspected the wound further. “I don’t think it’s going to need stitches, C’mon,” she said as she lead him into the bedroom.

She sat him down on the bed before she rummaged around in her purse, pulling out the desired items a moment later. “Now you can have a plain one, a pink one or a toy story one,” she said holding up the band aids in front of him.

“Toy story,” he grinned.

“Child,” she said rolling her eyes.

“You gave me the choice,” he pointed out as she cleaned his head some more, “Ow!” He moaned.

“Stop being such a baby,” she chastised as she stuck the band aid to his head.

“But it hurts.”

“Trust me in November you are going to see pain,” she told him with a shiver as the cool air from the air conditioning hit her skin.

“You scared?” he asked as he watched her wrap her robe around herself.

“I’m trying not to think about it,” she admitted with a nervous smile as she made a move to walk past him and back into the bathroom but he managed to catch her hand and pull her towards him so she ended up sitting in his naked lap.

“You’ll be fine,” he assured.

“Says he who whined about getting a band aid put on,” she said with a raise of her eyebrows.

“I’m a complete pussy when it comes to pain, you know that, that’s why you’re having the baby and I’m not,” he said as he kissed her nose.

“I’m hungry,” she thought allowed.

“Me too,” he leered as he parted her robe so he could look at her chest.

“I meant for food,” she corrected, pulling his head up so his eyes were looking into hers.

“But…in the shower,” he tried to reason.

“You ruined the moment Nick, not me and now you’re daughter is hungry.”

“Damn kids,” he grumbled.

***

He watched slightly in awe, slightly in disgust as she chowed down on yet another jalapeño pepper. He liked spicy food but at the rate she was going through it, she was going to have no palate left, the spices burning away the roof of her mouth.

“What?” She asked when she found him studying her.

“Doesn’t it burn?” He asked as he dipped on of the nacho’s in the salsa.

“No,” she said shaking her head.

“Seriously?” he asked.

“Yeah. Oh crap,” she moaned unexpectedly.

“What?” he asked.

“Heart burn,” she grumbled, placing her hand to her chest.

“Can you be surprised?” he joked making her stick her tongue out at him. “How long have you got off work?”

“I’ve got four weeks leave to take before I go on maternity leave.”

“When do you go on maternity leave?” He asked placing another nacho into his mouth.

“Mid to late September, I think I’ll tag two weeks on to the beginning rather then take four weeks in a row now,” she said slinking down in her seat slightly.

“What are you doing?” Nick asked.

“Nothing,” she said a little too quickly, her gaze fixed on the entrance of the hotel’s restaurant. He turned to where her eyes were fixed and it was then he noticed the few girls sat at the bar, their giggling and quick movement of their heads away from his a dead giveaway of who they were.

“Ignore them,” he told her, his hand slipping into hers across the table.

“It’s hard to ignore death glares,” she said softly her eyes in her lap.

 “You want to go?” He asked. She looked to him and then to the exit but with a sigh she shook her head no. “You sure?” He asked.

“It would class as running, I’m not doing that anymore, remember?” She reminded.

 “Yeah I remember,” he smiled giving her a wink. “What do we say to ‘em?”

“Fuck you,” she said quietly so no one else would be able to hear.

“Good girl.”

“ADIE’S HERE MOMMY!” She heard someone yell from across the resturant.

“If they didn’t know it was you to begin with they sure do now,” Nick laughed as he turned and spotted Baylee with Brian and Leighanne close behind.

“Hey kiddo,” Adie greeted, smiling brightly when Baylee pretty much launched himself at her in a hug.

“Baylee be careful,” Leighanne lightly scolded.

“Mommy didn’t tell me you were going to be here. Can we paint like we did last time? Oh can we go to the park too? And you and Nick said you’d take me to the zoo, and I gots Horton hears a who on DVD now can we watch it?” he reeled off quickly making her look to Brian and Leighanne with a laugh.

“It’s a good thing I’m here for a few weeks huh?”

“What am I kid? Chopped liver?” Nick asked ruffling Baylee’s hair.

“You can come to Nick,” he said rolling his eyes, making everyone laugh.

“Adie I think you should lay of the nachos,” Brian joked looking down at her rounded stomach before accepting her hug as she stood up. “Congratulations.”

 “Thanks,” she smiled before enveloping Leighanne too.

“You look great,” Leighanne complimented, “Feeling okay?”

“Yeah I feel great, really good,” she smiled as she placed a hand to her bump proudly before she reached out to take Nick’s hand and it was in that moment that he knew she had meant what she had said earlier.

He just hoped it would all work out because right then it all felt to good to be true.

Adie sat in the green room of the large backstage area of the arena, Baylee resting next to her on the overstuffed couch as he watched Horton hears a who contently. She remembered taking him to see the film at the movies when she had met up with Nick on part of the promotional tour the previous year, but at that moment she couldn’t in all honesty say that she was focused on the pictures in front of her. Luckily Baylee didn’t seem to mind.

She bit at her nails thinking back to the hours previous, the hours that had been harder to handle then she first thought. She realised she had been too naive in her thinking. After the slight issue of the fans in the restaurant the previous night she felt stronger, more empowered, she wasn’t going to let the negative attention get to her. The following morning had been a different story.

Nick had bought the subject of her leaving the hotel as they had packed their belongings, he had said it would be totally okay if she wanted to leave through the back entrance of the hotel, that Q could take her that way, get her on the bus and then he and the rest of the guys would get on after. She had declined, deciding that the best way to deal with the issue would be to face it head on, after all she couldn’t hide forever, maybe if she showed people she was strong now they would back down. She hadn’t reckoned on there being so many people.

Of course news of her arrival the previous day had spread like wild fire on the internet, and it amazed her how the crowd had seemed to double. She knew it wouldn’t be wise to exit with Nick, after all he would stop to sign autographs and she didn’t want to be out in the open for longer then she had to, so it had been decided she would exit with Baylee and Leighanne, Q and Josh escorting the three of them. As soon as the doors had been pushed open by Josh the noise of the crowd increased, she tried to walk through the throng of the crowd with her head held high, but with so many camera flashes it was difficult. Her heart started pounding in her chest, and it seemed like the crowd was closing in on her. The cruel whispers about her being a slut and a whore getting to her once again.

“Get me out of here Josh,” she had begged, grabbing onto his hand. They had reached the bus only seconds later, and she took a few deep breathes to try and compose herself but she knew she just needed to be alone for a while and she had quickly told Leighanne she was going to lie down. She had cocooned herself into one of the bunks, making sure to pull the curtain across and had laid in the semi darkness it offered. She had tried to forget the looks on the faces she had seen, the way they had looked at her with such distaste as she had walked past, it had been bad enough before but now, it just seemed ten times worse.

She had feigned sleep when Nick eventually made it on to the bus. She had kept her eyes closed and her breathing even when he had pulled back the curtain to the bunk carefully. She didn’t flinch when he softly trailed two of his fingers down her face and whispered, “I love you.” She had cried silently when he left though. She also knew he noticed how ouffy her eyes were when she had joined the rest of the crowd at lunch when they had reached the arena, but he had chosen to ignore it, something which she was thankful for. She just hoped that life wouldn’t always be the way it was at that moment and she hoped that someday it would just be them and their family. She was snapped from her thoughts when Leighanne walked into the room.

“Daddy said you could go to sound check Bay,” she said stroking the top of his head. Adie smiled when Baylee shot out of the room like a light, following Bob down towards the stage area.

“He loves it huh?” Adie asked.

“Can’t get enough of it,” she smiled whilst shaking her head. “Are you okay?”

“Me? Fine, back is just starting to ache,” she said.

“I remember that feeling, but I meant are you okay after this morning?” She asked as she took over Baylee’s seat.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Adie tried to play off, her fingers playing with the hem of her t-shirt.

“Nick was worried about you earlier,” she stated.

“He’s just being overprotective,” she shrugged.

“Gets easier,” Leighanne told her, placing a reassuring hand on Adie’s leg.

“It does?” She asked with a small smile.

“Yeah. You know soon you are going to be so busy worrying about caring for a newborn, worrying if the decisions you make for them are the right ones to even care what a bunch of girls think about you. They don’t matter Adie, their opinions about you aren’t based on the person you are, they can’t be because they don’t know you. They see a tiny glimpse of you, they see a tiny glimpse of Nick, they don’t know either of you, they believe what they want to believe, nothing you do or say is going to change that. You’ve got the real Nick,” she said squeezing Adie’s leg.

“Do I?” She questioned.

“Yeah you do. Nick and I very rarely see eye to eye. He made my life a misery when I first started seeing Brian, he hated me because he felt threatened and I hated having to baby-sit him all the time, I hated the fact he was always around and I hated the fact that Brian would revert to a child when he was with Nick. But I can see a huge difference in him and it’s a difference I’ve seen since he’s been with you. Don’t get me wrong he still has his moments, he can act like a spoilt child,” she laughed, “But for the most part he’s turned into a really nice guy, a guy I like having around my son. Baylee adores him, he adores you and I think you two are going to make really great parents. So don’t let what a bunch of girls say about you ruin your relationship with him. It’s happened too many times in the past to him.”

“I just feel so venerable at the moment Leighanne, I felt so unsafe this morning, I don’t want anything to happen to her,” She admitted as she stroked her belly.

“Of course you don’t. I don’t think any of them would stupid to physically hurt you but I know mind games can be just as nasty. But just remember for every ten that hate your guts, there will be at least twenty fighting your corner and then they’ll at least thirty who don’t give a crap,” she laughed. “This isn’t going to last forever, but hopefully when it ends you guys will still be together, raising your family.”

***

Nick walked through the maze of the backstage area once sound check had finished. He knew today had been hard on her, and he knew that he just needed to sit with her, to reassure her that she was beautiful, that she was the only women he wanted to be with but first he had to find her.

His first stop was catering but he only saw a few of the band at the tables, he almost walked passed the dark green room, figuring she wouldn’t be in there. That was until he heard her call out his name, but something wasn’t right, she was panicking. He made his way into the room quickly, turning on the light as he bent down to her level before asking

 “What’s wrong?” She didn’t move from where she was lying on the couch and when he softly pushed some of the hair out of her face he realised why, she was sleeping and that meant the dreams were still happening. He was just about to try and coax her out of it when she started talking again.

“She was fine Nick, she was,” she cried. “No, oh god no don’t stop, you have to keep trying, Matt you have to keep trying, don’t let her die.”

Nick soon realised that this was a different type of dream all together and when she whimpered her next words he felt a lump form in his throat.

“She’s just a baby don’t stop!” He knew he had to wake her from the nightmare she seemed to be trapped within and so he gently stroked her face as he called her name softly.

“Adie? It’s time to wake up,” he told her as one of his hands trailed down her arm and back up again. He thought it was going to take longer but she quickly opened her eyes and when she spotted him she burst into sobs, throwing herself into his chest and clinging to him.

“Hey, its okay, its okay,” he said over and over. Her crying eased into gentle hiccups after a few minutes but she didn’t loosen her hold on him, she didn’t make any effort to move at all as he lightly stroked his hand over her hair and down her cheek.

“You okay?” He asked softly. She nodded. “Want to talk about it?”

“She died,” she whispered with a hiccup and again Nick felt the lump rise in his throat. He didn’t say anything, he didn’t know what he could say to make her feel better because dreaming about that had to be so awful, just thinking about it sent chills up his spine.

He pulled away from her slightly and moved so that he was level with her bump. Lifting the material of her t-shirt, he placed a kiss to her stomach before saying, “You in there, you awake?” He poked her tummy gently before talking again, “Mommy needs to know you’re okay so give her a really big kick.”

She waited with bated breath to feel any movement, her heart beat increasing when all was still. What if the dream had been an omen? She felt him poke her again.

“Excuse me young lady, don’t you start ignoring me before you’re born, give Mommy a kick,” he said again and sure enough she felt a strong push from with inside her. “Good girl,” he smiled before placing another kiss to her stomach. “See she’s fine,” he told Adie. He moved so his head was resting in her ever shortening lap, closing his eyes when her hand trailed through his hair.

“That’s the first time you’ve called me Mommy,” she realised after a few minutes.

“Well you are, she’s definitely in there,” he said poking her again before flattening his palm against her stomach to feel the flutter beneath.

“She needs a name.”

“Hmmmm,” he thought, “What about….Gertrude,” he laughed.

“Gertrude Carter?” Adie asked sceptically.

He shook his head before adding, “No Gertrude Roxanna Mackenzie Carter.”

“What no Gene thrown in there as well? I thought that was Carter tradition?” She joked.

“No that middle name tradition is dying with me,” he told her in all seriousness.

“Aww baby don’t you like your middle name?” She asked stroking his scalp.

“I fucking hate it,” he whined.

“At least you don’t have as many names as I do. I don’t know what my parents were thinking.”

“Adrianna Machala Louise Jones come on down,” Nick called in his best game show host voice.

“Do you know how difficult it was to learn to spell all that as a child?”

“So what are we going to call her? Are we going to jump on the band wagon of ridiculous celebrity child names?” He asked.

“Like what?” She asked.

“You know naming her for where she was conceived, or after a piece of fruit?” He laughed.

“We could join the two, Kiwi Nashville,” she laughed before moving her hand to her bump when she felt a large kick, “I don’t think she likes that idea.”

“That’s a damn shame because Kiwi Nashville Carter has such a ring to it,” He said in all seriousness before bursting into laughter. He stroked her belly before adding, “I kinda like Molly.”

“You only kinda like it?” Adie asked, her hand trailing down his cheek as he looked to her.

“I like it,” he told her rolling his eyes.

“Molly,” Adie said aloud, “Molly Carter.”

“No middle name?” He asked and Adie shook her head, “Not Molly Jones-Carter?”

“Double barrelled last names are so pretentious, nope I think just Molly Carter,” She smiled.

“Well that was a lot simpler then I thought it was going to be,” he said as he moved off of her lap. He interlaced his fingers with hers before leaning in to place a small peck to her cheek.

***

Adie rubbed her aching back as she tried to get more comfortable on the bar stool but it wasn’t happening, the long overnight ride on the bumpy bus, had left her feeling stiff and cranky. She couldn’t wait to sleep in a real bed that night but when she looked at her watch she realised she had a long way to go considering it was only lunch time. She should have just stayed at the hotel when they had made it in earlier that morning but she just found that she couldn’t bare to be separated from Nick again.

After the previous episode with dealing with the fans, and after the god awful dream she had suffered she had been so anxious that she spent the rest of the evening on the bus watching movies and catching up on emails. She knew she just wouldn’t be up to sitting out front and watching the show, hell even standing off to the side made her heart rate increase and her hands go clammy. She had felt like a failure until Nick had slipped his hand in hers and reassured her that “One step at a time is fine.”

This was going to be her third step. Her fist had been staying in the restaurant and obviously the second was walking threw the crowd, the one she would take later was a lot scarier. She had known that Nick had been planning this with Leslie for a while and originally she was going to have to miss it because of work but due to her unforeseen “vacation” she knew there was no way he would let her miss it. After all it had been almost two years since she had seen Leslie last but the club was so small she was bound to be recognised, hell people would probably be scoping the place out in search of her. Sure she would have Q with her but the prospect of so many people being able to come up to her, to speak to her, to tell her what they really thought about her was daunting and frightening. The nausea feeling she had when she had first been carrying Molly returned but she knew it wasn’t to do with her daughter and so she tried to push her feelings of uneasiness aside, knowing that her back ache was sure to intensify if she spent any more time on the indomitable stool.

She looked around the small club eyeing a more comfier looking booth, it probably wouldn’t take her long to get comfortable and drift off but just as she was about to move she heard a familiar voice and it made her smile.

“Hey fatty!” Aaron grinned as he embraced Adie in a hug.

“I’m not fat, I’m just big boned!” she joked back as she squeezed him slightly.

“That was Nick’s excuse,” He laughed as he pulled away. “So there’s really a baby in there?” He asked, his eyes drawn towards her stomach and when she looked at him she found herself laughing at how much he looked like his big brother.

“Yep and thanks to your brother she’s awake,” she groaned when she felt another kick.

“What he do?” Aaron asked as he sat on the bar stool next to her as Leslie and Nick completed their small sound check.

“Well he dragged me here for a start, then he attempted to break the drum set, and then he did the worse thing possible,” she moaned.

“What?”

“He started singing,” she grinned. “She’s already a sucker for his voice.”

“Really?” Aaron smiled.

 “Yep,” she nodded, “She goes crazy in there and when he talks to her, it just gets even worse.”

“So things are good between you guys again?” He asked. Adie looked from where Nick was joking around with his sister, the smile fading from her lips before she looked back to Aaron.

“They will be eventually, we’ve just got a lot of stuff to work through is all,” she shrugged.

“He loves you, you know? He’s completely crazy about you, always has been,” Aaron told her.

“I know that and I feel the same way about him. I’m just an insecure mess when it comes to…how do you deal with the intrusion of everyone wanting to know your business twenty four seven Aaron?” She asked.

“You get used to it. It just becomes the norm you know? But I have been doing this since I was nine, I don’t really know any different, it’s kind of the same for him and I think he sometimes forgets that your not used to it. Just remind him.”

Nick looked out towards Adie as the song ended and smiled when he spotted his brother talking to her. She had always gotten on so well with his family, well the small part of his family that she had met anyway. She had shown an interest in his siblings from the very first time she had met them all, when she had quickly flown to his aid after Aaron and his accident. She had been an instant hit with Aaron as she put him at ease about what was happening almost instantly, even managing to make him laugh when she threatened to take pictures of his ass so she could make a small fortune on EBay.

Leslie had been ecstatic because it meant another girl in the house, one who might actually get along with her, and of course her and Adie had long hours spent by the pool gossiping about Mike and Nick ensuing. They were still like that, and Nick knew that over the three years that had passed since House of Carters had wrapped Adie had probably spoken to Leslie on the phone more than he had. Hell she had probably spoken to Beej more then he had.

Angel of course had been the hardest person to win over. That was just her personality, her protective nature kicking in but when Adie had refused to let Nick pay for her flight out, when Adie always paid her way when they went out to dinner, Angel had realised she wasn’t going to be like all the others.

“O my god are you actually having a thought?” Leslie asked as she passed Nick on the way off the stage. He nudged her playfully whilst sticking his tongue out.

“I do have them occasionally you know,” he replied as he followed her into the small dressing room.

“I must remember to alert the press,” she joked as she took a swig of her drink, offering the coke bottle to him after, her eyes bulging when he refused and grabbed for the bottle of water instead.

“Okay who are you and what have you done with my brother?”

“Too many calories and it’s doesn’t hydrate you properly,” he told her.

“You look really good,” she smiled at him.

“You’re sounding great, guess those vocal lessons paid off,” he said as he sat down.

“Yeah, Mom said the same thing,” she told him, obviously not missing the frown that crossed his face if her next comment was anything to go by,

“Have you even called her to tell her she is going to be a Grandma?”

“You talk to her on the phone Les, I’m sure she would have told you if I called.”

 “She’s excited for you,” Leslie tried.

“You tell her?” He asked gruffly, his eyes focused on his shoe lace.

“Angel actually. All it would take is a phone call,” she prompted.

“I have nothing to say to her,” he said sternly his eyes focused intently on his sisters.

“She’s your Mother Nick, how would you feel if twenty years down the line your baby wasn’t talking to you?” Leslie asked.

“I won’t give my Daughter a reason to resent me, I’m going to be there for her like a parent should be so can we just drop this?” He asked. She stared him down for a moments but in the end she relented with a sigh.

“So are you going to ask her to marry you?” Leslie asked with a grin.

Nick rolled his eyes, and mumbled, “Actually can we start talking about Mom again?”

“She’s having your baby,” Leslie pointed out.

“I know,” he nodded his head, “It’s complicated Les. It’s always been complicated with us, right now we’re just focusing on becoming parents.”

“You excited?” She asked.

He nodded his head with a small grin, “Yeah I am. I feel her kick but I still…it’s like it’s not real, like I know she’s in there but it’s strange to think that she’s a person, I want what she looks like, I want to know if she’s going to have dark hair or blonde hair, if she is going to be tall or shrimp like her Mom. I can’t wait to hold her.”

Leslie was just about to say something when Adie walked into the room followed by Aaron.

“I’ll tell you what you can take her now,” Adie commented as she slipped her arm around Nick’s shoulders.

“Back still achy?” He asked wrapping his arm around her waist and guiding her to sit in his lap.

“Yep, thanks to the incredible small bunks. I think I’m going to head back baby, I could use a nap,” she smiled.

“Want me to come with you?” He asked.

“Nah, I’ll meet you at the restaurant for dinner?” She asked. “

Sure.”

“I shall see you at dinner guys,” she smiled at Leslie and Aaron.

***

 Adie had snuck into the club a few songs into the set, just before Nick had made his way on to the stage. Her nap had lasted for four and a half hours and so she was feeling refreshed and ready to face whatever was going to be thrown at her. She smiled as Leslie introduced her older brother and shook her head in wonder as the screams intensified when he made his entrance.

It still amazed her how some people would react to him. Some would just scream, others would cry, some would trample over another person just to get to him but he was no different to any of them, it wasn’t like he was super human or anything. He had flaws, plenty of them and she wondered how many of them would still like him when they saw him loose his temper, had to clean up after him, had to put up with his petty behaviour? That was what made him, him, Adie knew she wouldn’t have him any other way but still, after the three years they had been dating, it was strange to see him up on the stage. He was so confident, to the point of being cocky, he knew how to work the crowd, he knew a shake of his hips would leave them swooning. He was loud and outgoing when he was in front of an audience, when a camera was on, when it was jus the two of them he was a completely different person.

He was quiet, more reserved. He would rather carry the weight of the world on his shoulders then share things in fear of upsetting someone else. He hated confrontation but when he was cornered he would explode and fight his own. He was so sensitive, one comment from Kevin enough to make him shed near on fifty pounds, a weight loss that was still increasing. He looked really good for it but she remembered how badly Kevin telling Alex to leave his little Pork chop alone had effected him.

To look at him on stage you would never suspect him of being insecure but he was. Just like she was about being around so many fans in such close proximity, she kept eyeing the door but she had promised him she would stay, at least until the end of the set. She looked at her watch, she only had fifteen more minutes to go, she could do it, she had to do it otherwise she knew she would spend the rest of her life running.

Adie felt a nudge from beside her and turned expecting it to be Aaron with the water she had asked him to get her on his bar round. When she turned she came face to face with a women of similar height, her bleach blonde hair stark comparison to her own dark locks, her face made up so much so Adie knew if she was to see this girl without any make up there would be no way she would recognise her. Adie took a deep breath as she braced herself for the verbal attack that was sure to ensue.

“Your Adie right? Nick’s girlfriend?” The girl asked and Adie nodded her head, “I’m Jess. I just wanted to say congratulations, can you pass that along to him as well?”

“Thanks,” Adie smiled, “I’ll tell him.”

“We don’t all think like the crazy stalkers. Most of us are pretty sane,” she smiled.

 “I’ll remember that Jess,” Adie smiled in reply.

Maybe it wasn’t going to be so difficult after all?

Nick tucked the last corner of sheet into the crib and then stood back surveyed the room in front of him, a large smile forming across his face. The nursery was finally finished. He picked up the small stuffed pink bear from where it had been resting on the changing table and placed it into the crib, knowing that within a matter a months, he would be placing Molly in there. It still amazed him that she was growing inside of Adie, and growing she definitely was because in the three weeks that he had been separated from Adie after she had returned from the tour, she had ballooned.

He picked up the last few tools that were scattered around the room as he thought about the remarkable change she had seemed to make overnight. It was as if something inside of her had snapped, something had made her realise that she needed to fight for what she wanted in life, that in order to be happy she had to stick out the tough times. Nick knew how badly she had wanted to run that night in the restaurant, he could see it in her eyes but he had been so proud of her when she had refused to back down and as soon as one fan had said something positive to her, she became more confident in herself. She sat out the front and watched the show with Leigh numerous times throughout the part of the tour she had been on, and she even sat in view at one of the sound checks. It was inevitable that people were still going to write or verbalise negative things about her and it wasn’t as if the comments still didn’t get to her, but she wasn’t running and that was the main thing.

He had to admit that he had been a little hesitant to let her leave after her “vacation” was up, and he had tried to convince her to stay longer on more then one occasion but she had relented. She had confronted him about his reasoning for wanting her to stay not buying that he was just going to miss her and eventually he had admitted that if she was with him at least he knew she would be there when he got back because she would be right beside him. Nick knew she had bitten her tongue to stop it blowing into a full scale row but she had asked him, after all that had happened over the previous few weeks, why he would think she would up and leave again. She promised him that she would be there on his return but he knew that there was no way he would believe her until he saw her with his own eyes. The three weeks that had crawled by slowly without her only increasing his doubt in her promise.

The first leg of the North American tour had ended three days previously and the whole flight home Nick had felt sick to his stomach. She had offered to pick him up from the airport when his ten thirty flight was due to land but he had refused, telling her that after a nightshift he didn’t want her driving all that way. He had been on tender hooks the whole drive back, his heart rate increasing when he didn’t see her car parked in the driveway of the house. He had quickly paid the cab fare and barged into the house, hoping that she would be there to greet him but he found the lounge, kitchen and dining room empty. He had raced up the stairs and checked the bedroom, hoping that she had gone to bed to take a nap after what was sure to have been a busy night, but he found all three rooms with beds in empty. He checked the nursery, the office and the bathrooms but he still could not find her and it was only when he realised he had been in the house for a full ten minutes with no sign of Layla that he knew where she was.

Three Days Previously

Nick could hear the scratching from the French doors as he made his way into the kitchen and wondered how he had missed the sound of Layla whining before. He opened the door to her excited barks and lavished her with attention before he stood again and made his way out in the warm sunshine.

He hadn’t even walked five steps when he spotted her, he smiled at the sight before him. Adie was laid in one of the sun lounges on the decking that led out to the vast greenery of the back yard, having not heard his calls of her name because she was fast asleep. She lay stretched out her sunglasses covering her closed eyes, one hand resting on her large bump whilst the other rested above her head. It had only been two weeks since Nick had seen her last but petite bump she had been carrying around seemed to have grown considerably, the waist line of the scrubs she was wearing fitting only underneath the taught skin of her stomach. He made his way over to her, kneeling down and resting his hands in the arm of the chair for balance he softly called her name. She didn’t even stir.

It took another three attempts with him having to rub her arm before she sighed and started to wake.

“Hey,” she croaked when she finally awoke.

“Hi sugar puff, what are you doing out here?” He asked.

“I was going to eat my breakfast out here and then do some laundry but I guess I fell asleep,” she said as she moved in the chair, leaning in so she could kiss him. He pulled back from the kiss a few moments later, knocking over the glass of juice that had been by his foot when he stood up.

“Shit,” he mumbled as he bent down to retrieve the cup.

“Oh I’m in for it now,” Adie said making Nick turn his head to her in confusion, a smile crossing his face when he realised what she meant. “Molly knows your home.”

He bent down again, his hands cupping her bump as he placed a soft kiss to it. “Hey baby girl. She’s growing in there huh?” He commented, a large smile crossing his face when he looked up to her.

“Yep, the rate she’s going I’m going to need a crane to help me up, and a spinal transplant after she’s born,” she grimaced as she moved to get up from the chair.

“Well I have the perfect cure for you…”

***

She walked into the warm house and felt more relaxed then she had for the past six months. The two day break that Nick had arranged at the spa had been wonderful, a treat she hadn’t been expecting, but one she had gladly and eagerly accepted. At first she thought that he would be going with her, after all it had been two weeks for which they had been apart, and quality time with just the two of them was quickly coming to an end. She knew that in just over eight weeks time they would both be having to content with mid night wake up calls, dirty diapers, and pacifying a newborn, that was why she had been so surprised when he had told her that he was not going to be joining her, instead she would be going with her Mother and her Sister.

The two day break had been a nice opportunity to catch up with her Mom and Rachel, the three of them had spent most of the time giggling, reminiscing and preparing Adie for the apparent “horrors” that child birth had to offer. Adie had expressed that she was hoping for a quick labour like Rachel had been lucky enough to have with Max, but her Mom had soon reminded her that she herself had taken almost twenty six hours to make her entrance into the world. That thought had been looming with her ever since.

Up until that point she hadn’t really been thinking about the birth, her head had been mainly focused on how she and Nick could make their relationship better, and about how she had to ignore the negative comments that were still being posted about her. Was it naive to think that the birth would go off without a hitch? How would she cope if something was wrong with Molly after she was born? After all she herself had worked in paediatric intensive care, she had seen the many problems children could have that weren’t diagnosed pre birth. Then again so far all of her scans had been normal, Molly was growing at the correct rate she should be, she was moving around, there was no reason to believe that she wouldn’t be a normal healthy baby. She was only panicking because she was getting closer and closer to her due date, it was perfectly natural to have thoughts like that but she knew it was something she needed to share with Nick, if she could find him anyway.

He obviously hadn’t heard the door close, and when she investigated further she found that he wasn’t on the ground floor of the house. Adie made her way over to the stairs and listened for any movement and sure enough the soft strains of a radio could be heard.

“Babes? I’m home” she shouted as she leant against the banister of the stairs.

 “Up here,” came the reply, a hint that he wanted her to meet him.

“I swear your Daddy forgets that I have to lug you around with me,” She grumbled as, she climbed the stairs to where Nick was. She saw him waiting for her at the other end of the hallway.

“You have fun?” He asked, leaning down to place a small peck to her lips.

“Yeah, it was great, my back is actually not hurting for once,” she laughed.

“Good, I have another surprise for you,” he grinned.

“Oh really?” She asked raising her eyebrow to him.

“Yep but first you have to close your eyes,” He told her.

“Really?” She asked, scrunching her nose up slightly.

“Yes,” he insisted, holding out his hand to her and reluctantly she took hold of it as she closed her eyes.

“Are they closed?” he asked.

“Yep,” She replied.

“You sure?”

“Yes I’m sure but hurry because your daughter seems to think my bladder is a squeeze toy.”

“Oh so when she’s being bad she’s my daughter?” He asked as he led her further down the hallway.

“Yep when she wakes at three am for a feed she will definitely just be your daughter,” she told him, “Can I open them yet?”

“Just a second,” he told her as they came to a stop and she heard the creak of a door being opened, “Okay, now,” he told her.

She opened her eyes and took in the first glimpse of Molly’s completed nursery. When she had left it had just been a bare room with lilac walls, but now it was complete, the only thing lacking being Molly herself. She looked around the room, the white cot softened by a bumper covered in pink and purple flowers and butterflies, those characters mimicked across spaces on the wall, hand painted by whom she could only assume as Nick. The theme continued throughout the room, down the curtains the framed the window, even the butterfly rug that lay on the floor, a small play gym ready for her amusement when she would be old enough resting on top of it. Adie moved her head slowly around the room, a huge smile spreading across her face when the rocking chair to the side of the window came into her eye line, the pink and lilac theme dressing the soft cushions of that too. She had visions of sitting in it rocking slowly back and forth trying to get her daughter off to sleep as she watched the sun set, of watching Nick rock her back to sleep whilst softly singing to her in the early hours of the morning. It was perfect, completely perfect, he hadn’t missed anything, the sweet dreams plaque above the crib and her name on the door finishing off the room beautifully.

She stood beside him when he entered the room behind her and she wrapped her arm around his waist as she fought back the tears welling in her eyes. He looked down and obviously noticed the emotion flooding through her body as he too wrapped his own arm around her shoulders giving her a slight squeeze.

“Why are you crying?” He chuckled.

“Because I love it, it’s perfect, I really love it,” she laughed as she wiped her eyes.

 “You do?” He asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded. “How did you have time to do all this? I mean I thought the furniture wasn’t coming until today?”

“You have your Dad to thank for that, the furniture actually turned up about three hours ago. The delivery guys were probably going crazy with the amount of phone calls they were getting from me today,” he chuckled. “So I had to call in back up and get him over here to help me when it finally did turn up.”

“You have one great Daddy Molly,” she said as she rubbed her bump. “He’s a bit sly, but he’s great.”

“Sly?” He asked.

“Getting me out of the house under false pretences, telling me that I needed to relax, when it was all some ploy to not have me around so you could finish, that’s quite sly,” she smiled as she turned so she was stood in front of him, her other arm wrapping around his middle.

“It worked didn’t it?” He asked with a devilish smile, pulling her in closer.

“You do realise by squeezing me you have just pushed Molly further into my bladder and now I really have to go pee.”

“Go,” he said letting his arms drop from her shoulders as he rolled his eyes.

***

Nick walked into the main entrance of the ER and cringed out how busy it was for a week day, he could spot about two seats spare in the over crowded warm waiting room. That only meant one thing, Adie was going to be cranky as hell. She hadn’t slept well the night before, getting up at least three times to pee and once to take some gaviscon for heart burn, so when the alarm clock had gone off at six am she had been ready to explode. She had made so much noise that morning, slamming doors, traipsing loudly around the room, muttering loudly to herself, that he had almost reminded her that he actually didn’t have to be up that early. He had thought better of it eventually, knowing that she would only yell at him and then would probably ring him every thirty minutes once she got to work just to prove a point.

He shook his head at himself remembering a time when she had actually done that before. She had been on a week of nights and he had made the colossal mistake of going into her at two pm as she slept, he had woken her asking if she wanted a coffee, she had politely told him to fuck off and not to bother her again until it was at least five thirty. Again he had made the mistake of waking her at five pm instead of waiting the further half an hour, after all what was thirty minutes? Turned out that thirty minutes made all the difference in how she could function on a night shift, thirty minutes was the difference between nice Adie and cranky Adie with only one thing on her mind, revenge! She had telephoned him at two am, the only words muttered were “payback is a bitch!” She had then made sure the phone rang as near to every hour before dawn as she could. Needless to say it was the last time Nick had ever woken her again.

He smiled at Chelle as she buzzed him through the security doors but as he looked around the triage and curtain area of the ER he could not spot Adie.

“She’s just finishing up with a patient, you can wait here if you want,” Chelle offered pointing to the seat next to her.

“Thanks, how are you? I’ve not seen you in a while,” Nick asked as he sat in the computer chair.

“Good thanks, and you?” She asked as she carried on filling out some paperwork.

 “Yeah good,” He smiled when he spotted Adie walking towards him.

“Hey my bestest buddy,” Adie smiled as she reached the pair, her hands lightly squeezing Chelle’s shoulder.

“What do you want?” Chelle asked with a roll of her eyes.

“Can you keep an eye on my patients while I go upstairs?” She asked.

“How long are you going to be?” Chelle asked.

“Thirty minutes tops, it’s just a check up.”

“Tell me about them then.”

“Jordan Hayes twelve year old, complaining of abdo pain, tender in mid right quadrant, possible appendicitis waiting on surgical review. Has pain meds on board, slight fever, his mom is with him. Isabelle Barton three year old with lac to left cheek from falling against the side of a coffee table, do not let anyone from max fax near her until I get back,” She said.

“Why?” Chelle asked.

“Completely traumatised a kid last week by trying to numb the area without explaining. Long story just don’t let them near her till I get back. Then there is Lucy Franks she’s seven with possible UTI we’re just waiting on the labs. And obviously any other peads case that comes in is yours,” She smiled.

“Even though I’m not paeds trained?” Chelle smiled back.

“Hey I’m not adult trained and yet I still have to wipe their asses when you guys are short. Come one baby, get out me out of this hell hole for half an hour,” she said as she grabbed Nick’s hand.

He smiled at Chelle as he waved goodbye and followed her to the bank of elevators towards the left of the ER, letting her take the small file that contained all of the information about her pregnancy from his hands.

“Busy day?” he asked as they stepped on to the elevator when it arrived.

“Yep, it’s summer time which means kids are breaking limbs left right and centre by falling from trees and bikes and FYI we are never getting her a trampoline,” she told him as he pressed the button for the fifth floor.

“Why?” he laughed.

“Seven cases of broken bones in twenty minutes is why. I swear to god I have never seen that many broken bones in such a small amount of time from doing one thing. You know what she’s never going to be allowed to go outside period.”

 “That’s a bit mean don’t you think?” Nick chuckled.

“No. You know what if she’s as quiet as she’s been today she can just stay in there forever, at least then I don’t have to worry about broken limbs,” she smiled, placing her hand on top of his when she felt it press into her abdomen.

“Well lets just see if we can wake her up and remind you how much fun it is to have her resting under your ribs, or practising her kick boxing on you bladder,” he said as he pressed his hand in a bit further. He waited for the strong kick that usually followed a small frown crossing his face when he felt nothing. “Do you think she’s okay?” He asked his brow furrowing in concern.

“She’s just sleeping, you feel less movement towards the end of the pregnancy because there is less room for her to move around,” Adie told him taking his hand of her belly and interlacing their fingers as they walked off the elevator towards the OBGYN’s office.

She signed in at the reception desk and was told to go straight on in as Doctor McManus was waiting for them. They quickly made themselves comfortable in the large airy office, offering their hello’s to the middle aged doctor who smiled warmly at the couple.

“So Adie, how’ve you been feeling?” She asked as she placed the blood pressure cuff around Adie’s arm and let it automatically inflate.

“Tired,” she laughed, “And hot.”

“Well that’s to be expected,” she smiled back. “But you’ve been resting? Keeping your feet up as much as possible?” She asked.

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“Blood pressure looks good, your pulse rate is fine,” The doctor informed when the machine beeped with the readings.

“Any concerns?”

“No,” Adie replied as Nick also said something.

“She’s not been moving as much,” he said.

Adie rolled her eyes before saying, “I just told you. It’s because she’s getting bigger and there is not enough room. It happens at this stage of the pregnancy right?” She asked Dr McManus.

“It can start to yes. When was the last time you felt any movement from her?” She asked.

“Erm,” Adie thought back, “It was erm…when I got into work this morning, she turned, made me feel sick to my stomach.”

“What time do you start work?” Dr McManus asked.

“Seven thirty.”

“Five hours ago?” The Dr asked, not hiding the concern etched in her voice.

“I guess so,” Adie answered unsurely, “You know what it’s been so busy down stairs I haven’t to think let alone remember if she’s moved, I’m sure she has,” She said.

“Well why don’t we do a sonogram?”

“Really?” Adie asked, “I need to get back to work,” she said looking at the clock.

 “They can live without you for another ten minutes Adie,” Nick told her sternly.

“I’d just like to check everything is okay, put Nick’s mind at ease,” Dr McManus offered as she stood up and with a sigh Adie followed suit and headed over towards the table set up on the opposite side of the office.

Nick followed after her and sat down in the chair situated at the side of the bed, slipping his hands into hers after she had made herself comfortable. He laughed when flinched from the cold gel being squirted on her bare abdomen, but it was a smile that soon faded when the room remained eerily quiet. He had expected the strong whooshing of Molly’s tiny heart beating to greet his ears like it had almost immediately after the Dr placed the doppler to Adie’s stomach every other time. He watched as Dr Mcmanus frowned as she continued to move it around on Adie’s stomach.

“Sometimes they don’t pick up straight away, if you haven’t put enough jelly on it can sound really faint,” Adie told Nick as her grip on his hand tightened and it was then he knew that she wasn’t saying it to reassure only him, she was also saying to to try and reassure herself that everything was okay.

His heartbeat increased and he wasn’t sure whether it was his hands that were getting clammy or Adie’s but when he looked at the sad eyes of the doctor he knew. He knew even before she pulled the doppler away from Adie’s stomach, he knew before she even gripped Adie’s spare hand in her own, he knew before she even begun to utter any words and even though he knew what was coming, the words still cut threw him like a knife.

“Adie, Nick I’m so sorry but I can’t detect any evidence of a heart beat.”

“Check it again,” Adie whispered calmly as she stared intently at the screen, scanning it for any movement. It had to be there, it just had to be. She had felt her moving last night, felt Molly’s tiny foot give her a harsh dig in the ribs. She had been up three times in the night to pee because Molly had been playing her usual game of thinking Adie’s bladder was her punch bag.

“Adie-” Dr McManus sympathetically said as she placed her hand over her patients.

 “No it’s there, it has to be there, you’re just not looking hard enough,” she said starting to become more hysterical with every word that left her mouth, the tears of realisation falling freely. This just couldn’t be happening, she was so far along now, her only worry had been about delivering early, about something happening to her after she was born, the thought of this happening had never even entered her mind. That’s why the Doctor had to be wrong, how could the child that she was carrying, nurturing, die before it even got a chance to live, a chance to breath? It just didn’t make sense. She had done everything right, she had read the books, she had rested, put her feet up as often as she could, hadn’t drank or smoked, so why had this happened? Sure there had been the accident at work when she was three and half months gone but everything had been fine, so why now? Why in her sixth almost seventh month had this happened?

“Adie I’ve been looking for almost ten minutes now, I still can’t find any eviden-”

“No she’s there; I felt her moving last night.” She grabbed the dopeler from the machine and started moving it aimlessly around her swollen stomach vainly attempting to hear the strong whooshing of her child’s heart beating, the beat that had been present only last week when she had been to another check up.

“It’s there, I heard it last week, it’s there I know it is, you didn’t look hard enough, you didn’t take enough time, it’s there…it’s there, it has to be the-”

He had been trying to take the shocking news in, to process it all, it just didn’t seem real, and it felt like it was some cruel joke. At first he thought that Adie was right, that she just hadn’t looked hard enough but the more he stared at the screen the more the realisation sunk in, his baby, their baby, Molly had died. He slowly turned his head from the still screen before him to Adie, who was still moving the doppler around her swollen stomach, becoming more and more irate and upset when the truth started to daunt on her.

“It’s there, it has to be, it- She repeated again.

“Adie,” he whispered, standing from where he had been sat, he gripped her hand tightly in his, “She’s gone.”

“No,” She shook her head as the tears continued to fall and he knew that in her head she understood, it was her heart that was having the difficulty catching up. He managed to hold back his own emotion as he leant his forehead against hers, his spare hand reaching for the Doppler.

“She’s gone,” he whispered again.

Dr McManus had left the pair for ten minutes to let the news sink in, to let them grieve in privacy but obviously things were more complicated then this just being a simple miscarriage. With a miscarriage Adie could have just gone home, could have just let nature take it’s course but being that their baby probably weighed around two pounds by now, she would have to deliver. It was quite clear that the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind when Dr McManus returned to talk to them about what happened next. Adie started outside the window as the Doctor situated herself behind the desk, her hand gripped onto Nick’s for dear life, and her tears fell silently as he left hand rested on her bump, her thumb stroking it softly every so often.

Nick tried to concentrate on what was being said because he knew that Adie wasn’t paying any attention, the shock of the news they had just received still too raw making it too difficult for her to concentrate on anything else. He was having a hard time himself, missing a few words here and there but Dr McManus explained that it was nothing that Adie had done wrong, that it was just something that occasionally happened, and that once the Baby was born they might then understand why it had occurred but that there was also the possibility that they might never find out the reasoning behind her death. Nick nodded along, occasionally applying a bit more pressure to Adie’s hand to remind her that she wasn’t alone but he still wasn’t sure if she even hearing a word of what was being said. She soon made her presence known when Dr McManus broached the topic of how they would proceed next.

“We’ll get you set up with an epidural-“ She began.

“I have to go through labour?” Adie managed to choke out, her head turning towards the Doctor.

She nodded solemnly, “Yes. We’ll set you up with an epidural and we can add in a PCA if you’d like, then we’ll give you the Pitocin to star-”

The scraping of Adie’s chair against the floor of the office drowned out the rest of what Dr MacManus said, and Nick wasn’t even sure if she actually finished all she wanted to say as Adie stood abruptly from her seat, pulling her hand from his.

“I’m not doing this,” she said sternly as she headed towards the door.

“Adie,” He called after her, also standing from his seat as he watched her walk towards the door.

“I know this is difficult to talk about Adie but we really need to start this today,” The Doctor told her as she also stood.

“No,” Adie said as she shook her head, “No we don’t because you’re wrong and I’m not doing this.”

“Adie,” Nick called as he watched her yank the door open and almost run through it, he made a move to follow her as he called her name again but the Doctor stopped him.

“Let her go,” she said as she placed a comforting hand on Nick’s shoulder. “I can’t imagine how hard this news is but we really do need to deliver the baby.”

“How long can we wait?” Nick asked. “Up to a week, after that it puts Adie at risk for haemorrhaging and infection but in my experience it’s better psychologically to start things as soon as possible. The longer we wait, the more time she has to convince herself that this isn’t real, the longer we wait the harder it is going to be for her and you to say goodbye,” she told him.

Nick nodded slowly, his eyes focusing on his shoes as he felt the tears begin to fall, he apologised quickly when they first one slid down his cheek.

“Don’t apologise, is there someone I can call for you?” She asked as she handed him a tissue but Nick shook his head no. “Do you have any questions?”

“How long will it take?”

“To deliver?” She asked and he nodded, “It’s difficult to say but for a first pregnancy it could be anywhere from four to sixteen hours.”

“You can’t give her a c-section?” He asked.

“It’s better in the long run for Adie to deliver naturally, her recovery will be shorter, and c-sections can cause problems for other pregnancies, she’d have internal scarring and scar tissue doesn’t stretch brilliantly, if she were to get pregnant again it could cause issues.”

“Do I just bring her back up here?” Nick asked.

“Yeah, I’m going to clear my other appointments for this afternoon and I’ll let reception know that you’ll be coming back up at some point, but if you want to go home and pack her a bag then feel free to do that. My numbers on here,” she said as she handed him a card. “If you have any problems call me, if you want me to come and speak to Adie when you find her then I will.”

“Thank you.”

“Take your time, don’t rush her.”

Nick made his way out of the office but instead of turning right to where the stairs and elevators were, he headed left and made his way into the bathrooms. He made is way into one of the stalls quickly, locking the door behind him he was thankful that the room was empty. The tears were falling before he even managed to sit down, he closed his eyes and covered his face in his hands as he let them fall, trying in vain to quiet the sobs escaping his lips in case someone did walk in.

He just didn’t understand why it had happened. Adie had done everything right, Molly had been doing so well at all their other check ups, she had been kicking so much yesterday, he remembered how sick Adie had been feeling because of all the turning she had been doing. He remembered watching in amazement as one side of Adie’s stomach would go completely flat whilst the other bulged when Molly would move, he had been sure that the skin would rip and out she would come like some scene from Alien. So how could something that had been so active and full of life only yesterday be dead only twenty four hours later? It just didn’t make any sense and like Adie, he had first thought that the Doctor had been wrong, but no one would deliver news like that unless they were absolutely sure. Now all he had to do was convince Adie of that.

He managed to calm his breathing before he blew his nose into a piece of the toilet paper. He let himself out of the stall and splashed his face with cold water, trying to clear his face of the evidence that he had been crying before he walked out of the bathroom to the place where he knew she would be.

The ER remained packed, it actually looked even busier then it had half an hour previously. Nick knew this would be the first place she would head, it was familiar, it was normal, here she could focus on other people’s problems rather then her own, here she could still pretend that everything was okay. He scanned the admissions desk but there was no sign of her, in fact there was no sign of anyone that he knew and so he hung back until he spotted Chelle with a patient. He made his way over to her slowly, tapping her on the shoulder gently to get her attention.

“What are you still doing here?” She asked.

“I need to see Adie,” he said softly.

“Are you okay?” She asked obviously noting his sombre mood and red rimmed eyes.

“No I’m not, can I talk to you?”

“Sure,” she said worriedly before she turned to her patient, “Mr Jacobs I’ll be right back but if you could slip into this gown that would be really great.”

She lead Nick into one of the private consultation rooms, making sure to close the door behind her and close the blinds before asking, “What’s going on?”

“Is she here?” He asked.

Chelle nodded, “Yeah, she’s in with a kid helping max fax suture, you guys had a fight or something?”

“How did she seem?” Nick asked.

“She’s was a little off but she’s been a little off all day, she’s tired and pregnant,” Chelle laughed, a frown soon covering her face when Nick dropped his head to the floor and began to cry. “What? Nick what’s going on?” She asked concerned.

“The baby’s dead,” he said quietly his face not looking up from the ground.

 “What?” Chelle asked shocked.

“They did a sonogram and couldn’t…there was no heartbeat, she died.”

“Nick I am so sorry,” Chelle told him as she wrapped her arm around him in a hug. “Did she freak?”

“She was upset but I thought she accepted it because she sat when the doctor wanted to speak to us. It was when she started to discuss delivering the baby and what happens now that she got up and left, she said she didn’t believe the doctor, that she was wrong,” He told her as he pulled away from the hug.

“And then she came back here,” Chelle finished for him. “She seemed….she came back down and I filled her in about what had happened with her patients, she seemed kind of quiet but I just figured she was tired. Her eyes were slightly red and puffy but she’s cried at every sonogram. She told me she was fine, that Molly was fine.”

“Well she’s not and I have no idea how I’m going to convince her to go back upstairs,” he sighed as he wiped at his eyes.

“Do you want me to talk to her?” Chelle asked.

“I think I’m definitely going to need your help.”

“Of course. I uh…” she hesitated, “I’m going to have to tell Mike, he’s the charge nurse today. He needs to know.”

“Yeah” Nick agreed, “We might need him too.”

***

“You are so brave Isabelle,” Adie praised as she held the little girls head still whilst the Resident sutured the deep cut to her cheek. “Do you like stickers?”

“Uh huh.” “Well I think you definitely deserve one after this because you have been such a good girl.” She smiled down at the small girl, wondering if Molly would ever sit this still if she was required to or whether she would be a little hellion like a lot of patients Adie had treated had been like in the past. If what she had just been told was true then Adie would never get the chance to know, she would never know what her favourite Disney character would be, whether she would be like Nick and not like strawberries, she would never get to learn her favourite colour, her favourite song, her favourite TV programme, that was why it had to be wrong. She sniffed back a few tears making the Resident look up to her.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

“Hay fever, just been outside before this,” she lied with a smile as she looked to him. He smiled in understanding and dipped his head again to concentrate on the task at hand and that was when Adie saw Nick leant against the admit desk watching her. She turned her head, smiling down at the child brightly, knowing that when the door opened she was going to have to face something that she just wanted to run away from.

She heard it squeak sooner then she had wanted and when she heard Mike call her name, she just wanted to ignore him but she didn’t, she just looked to him with a smile.

“Can I talk to you for a second?” He asked.

“I’m a bit busy at the moment Mike,” she said nodding to the child’s head she was holding.

“It’s important,” He told her.

“We’re all done here anyway,” The Resident from Max fax piped up as he applied the dressing over the sutures, as he began to give verbal instructions to Isabelle’s Mother.

“Can I have my sticker now?” Isabelle asked.

“Of course sweetie,” Adie smiled as she tore off the apron and gloves she had been wearing, she deposited them in the bin before she washed her hands. She made her way past Mike, her head turned in the opposite direction the whole time. She didn’t look at Nick when she had to walk past him to get to the desk, she even moved her body when he leant out to reach for her arm.

“Adie?” Chelle asked from behind her when she opened the drawer that contained the stickers only to find it empty.

“Whose moved the stickers?” She asked.

“Adie I’m so sorry,” Chelle offered. She turned and looked at her best friend, not missing how Nick had moved in to trap her exit from the desk.

“Did you move them?” She asked Chelle as she slammed the drawer shut before opening the one below. When they weren’t visible in that one she slammed it shut and knelt down to open the other drawer.

Nick watched her, realising quickly that her resolve was slipping, he couldn’t see her face but he knew that she was crying silent tears, he knew from the way she had avoided him that she realised that this was all real, that this was actually happening. He also knew that she wouldn’t give in until she was ready, no matter how hard you pushed and that was why he just stood back and watched, ready to catch her when she would finally break. Her tirade over the missing stickers continued.

“I wish people would just leave the things for peads alone, they go in the fucking top drawer!” She exclaimed loudly.

“Adie what are you doing?” Mike asked as he stood beside Nick.

“Trying to find the stickers. You need to bring this up at the next staff meeting Mike. I promise a child a sticker for being good and then I have to go in there and tell her that she can’t have one,” she said her breathing becoming erratic as more tears started to fall. Nick bit his lip to stop his own tears from falling, knowing her break was imminent.

“Adie,” Chelle tried again.

“She deserves a sticker, she was so brave, I promised her, she was so brave, she was so brave,” she repeated before she slumped to the floor her hands covering her face as she sobbed into them. Nick was quickly by her side, he sat down against the chest of drawers just beneath the desk and held her as she cried, rocking her back and forth.

“It’s okay,” he whispered.

“She’s gone,” Adie sobbed, “I don’t want her to be gone.”

“I know, but she is and we have to say goodbye.”

***

It had taken almost half an hour to console Adie to the point where she could actually be moved from the floor of the admission area of the ER and even then they had only been able to move her to the staff room within the same department. She had slumped against the uncomfortable, thread bare couch and that was where she had stayed, her knuckles white as she held Nick’s hand so tightly in hers. She didn’t say a word as Nick, Chelle and Mike discussed things around her, all she did was stare at her own reflection in the glass of the door that led out of the room. All she focused on was the shape of her tummy, all she concentrated on was trying to feel the slightest bit of movement from within it. But it never came.

Nick watched her out of the corner of his eye as he spoke with Mike and Chelle, he knew she wasn’t paying any attention to what was going on around her, she looked as if she was almost in a trance, trapped in her own world and he wondered what was going through her mind at that point. At that point in time he was scared, scared about the thoughts running through her mind, scared about the awful hours they were sure to endure, but most of all he was scared about the long term effects that this situation would not only have on her but on their relationship. How on earth were they going to get though it and come out whole on the other side? Was this just another way of fate telling them that they were not meant to be together? He couldn’t think about that, all he needed to concentrate on was what was happening at that precise moment and he knew that he needed to get her upstairs.

“Do you want me to call upstairs and let them know you are on the way?” Mike offered.

Nick finally broke his gaze from Adie as he replied, “I think we’re going to go home first, get some stuff.”

“I can’t go home,” he heard Adie whisper from beside him.

“Huh sweetie?” He asked.

“I said I can’t go home,” she repeated, her eyes still fixed on the door.

“You need some clothes sugar puff.”

“If I go home I’m not going to come back,” she admitted softly.

“Then I’ll go by myself,” he told her.

“No,” she said panicked her head turning to him quickly. “No don’t leave me.”

“Okay I won’t, I won’t go anywhere,” he told her before placing a soft kiss to her forehead.

“How about I go get you some stuff?” Chelle offered before turning to Mike to ask if it was okay that she leave considering she was still working.

“It’s fine.”

It had taken a further hour for them pair to make their way up to the OBGYN floor. Every so often Adie would say that she was ready, that maybe they should start heading up there but every time she failed to move and every time Nick just nodded in agreement but continued to sit beside her. He wasn’t ready to go just like she wasn’t but he knew he was going to have to be the one to move, then he knew she would follow, he was going to have to be the strong one throughout this whole ordeal, even though he wanted nothing more then to hide in a dark room and never come out.

She wouldn’t meet his eyes, not even when they were sat face to face as he held both of her hands in his whilst the anaesthesiologist administered her epidural. He wanted to say something but words escaped him, after all what could he say to make her feel better? He knew anything anyone tried to say to him wouldn’t work.

“Okay Adie, the local is in so all you should feel is some pressure as the epidural goes in okay?” He asked.

“Okay,” she nodded.

“I just need you to bend forward slightly so your back is nice and round.”

She did as he asked, her eyes closing as she waited for him to continue and Nick didn’t miss the slight wince that crossed her face when the needle punctured her skin. He squeezed her hands tightly in support.

“You okay?” He whispered and she nodded that she was.

“Okay that should start to kick in shortly. If you feel it’s not strong enough or you start to get tingling in your arms or hands have Dr McManus page me okay?” He said as he tore the gloves from his hands.

“Okay,” she mumbled as she made herself comfortable in the bed, her back resting against the mountain of pillows behind her. Nick watched as he left, hating how cold and sterile the room felt when they were left alone in the silence that seemed to engulf them. He turned his gaze back to her but she was just staring aimlessly out of the window, they couldn’t spend the next however many hours it was like they were now but he had no idea what he could do. All he wanted to do was run out of the door and never come back but he couldn’t leave her to deal with this awful situation herself.

“You want me to call your Mom?” He asked. Having Izzy with them would be good, a buffer almost, she would know what to do, what to say. She would be someone who could stay with Adie if Nick needed to get away, even if was just for a few moments because he knew there were going to be periods through this ordeal that he was going to find so hard. Adie didn’t need to support him through this, she had enough going on, he had to be strong for her, he could break down on his own.

“No” she answered sternly, “I don’t want anybody to know.”

“They’re going to find out eventually,” he reminded.

“I know that,” she bit back. “I just…they’ll only come now and I…this is hard enough…please don’t call them.”

“Okay,” he nodded. “Will you be okay if I run to the bathroom real quick?”

“Yeah,” she said as she let go of his hand so he could go.

“I’ll be right back,” he said as he made his way out of the room, almost immediately bumping in to Dr McManus.

“Did she get her epidural?” She asked.

“Yeah.”

“I was just about to go in and give her the pitocin.”

“Can you wait till I get back?” He asked.

“Sure. Have you called anyone?” She asked.

“She doesn’t want her parents to know, not yet anyway,” he told her.

“What about your parents?” She asked softly.

“I uh…they’re not local and uh to be honest I…we don’t speak,” he stumbled.

“It’s really important that you have some support Nick.”

“I’m here for her,” he said.

“I’m not talking about Adie. You may be all the support she needs but you’ve just lost a child too, you need some support too. If there is anyone you trust, anyone who you know who could support you, they don’t have to come here, they can just be on the phone but please don’t think you have to be strong. I’ll come back in about twenty minutes okay?”

“Okay,” he nodded.

 “Think about what I said,” she said as she walked in the opposite direction.

He knew the Doctor was right, he knew he needed someone and so he dug around in his pocket for his cell phone. He walked into a small alcove that held a few vending machines and flipped through his contacts. His first though had been to call Alex, after all he was the nearest geographically but that then raised the issue of going back on what he said to Adie. There was no way Alex would be able to keep it from Rachel and in turn he knew Rachel, thinking she would be doing the best thing for Adie, would then tell their parents. There was no way in hell Izzy and Stuart Jones would let the pair go through the situation alone and even though Nick wanted nothing more then for them to both be there, he knew he couldn’t do that to Adie.

He found the number of the person who he had been able to rely on for years, the number of a person who he would trust with his life and quickly hit the call button, sucking in a deep breath when he answered.

“It’s Nick, I really need you.”

Nick stared at the choices of soda before him it shouldn’t have been that hard to choose but yet he couldn’t decide, the sign for the can of coke becoming a blur the more he stood there and stared at it. He punched the first button that his fist came into contact with but instead of retrieving the can from the bottom of the machine he left it there and walked away. He couldn’t say why he stopped where he did, maybe it was just to punish himself but for what he didn’t know. He stared down at the newborns in front of him, some wrapped in pink, others in blue wanting so desperately to see a name tag that said Carter, that name tag was above the bassinet that was in Adie’s room though and he knew that on the small table on the opposite side of the room was both a birth certificate and a death certificate.

He placed a palm against the window that separated him from the nursery and just stared ahead at all the perfect tiny babies that were held within. He wanted to know why. Why were all these babies alive and not Molly? Why did he and Adie have to be put through this? Why were they going to have to bury their daughter?

“Nick?” He heard the voice from behind him but he didn’t turn, he couldn’t take his eyes off the newborn baby girl in front of him, what he wouldn’t have given for it to be Molly.

“Sweetie?” He heard a softer voice ask, “What are you doing here?”

He still didn’t move or speak, instead he offered up a small shrug. He didn’t know what he was doing, he didn’t know how he managed to get through the past eight hours like he had, and he didn’t know how he could go back into the small room and face Adie. He didn’t protest when he was pulled into a hug, instead he wrapped his arms around Kevin’s middle and sobbed into his shoulder.

He wasn’t sure how long they had stood there for but eventually he let himself be led along the corridor, his hand wrapped in Kristin’s as she made him sit down. He felt her sit beside him, her hand never leaving his and although his eyes were peeled to his feet he knew Kevin was sat opposite on him, perched on the small table.

“I didn’t know who else to call, sorry to drag you all the way down here,” he mumbled. He felt Kristin’s free hand grip his chin lightly as she moved his head up, making him look at her concerned eyes.

“Don’t you dare apologise Nick,” she told him sternly.

“You know you can call us day or night for anything Nick,” Kevin told him making Nick nod in agreement. “Has…has she been born?” Kevin asked hesitantly. Nick only nodded as he fell into the crook of Kristin’s shoulder, his silent tears falling whilst he thought back on the previous few hours.

It was wrong, all so wrong Nick thought to himself as he held her hand and encouraged her to push one last time. He wanted to be anywhere but where he was at that precise moment, it was taking so much energy to keep his legs from walking towards the door but no matter how hard he knew it felt for him it must have been a million times worse for Adie. The past six hours had dragged by excruciatingly slow, the silence between them suffocating but whenever he opened his mouth to try and say something words failed him. He had been so glad when she had fallen asleep for a few hours, at least she managed to escape their awful reality even if it had been short lived. Nick watched her, her whole face turning red as she pushed with all of her might but he knew the tears that were falling silently from her face were not caused by any physical pain that she might have been feeling, it was from all the emotional pain crushing her heart.

“She’s out Adie,” Dr McManus softly said. “Would you like to hold her?”

Adie fell back against the pillows, her head turning immediately towards the window. She shook her head as she choked out a “No.”

He wiped his own eyes as he helplessly watched the Doctor cut the umbilical chord and hand the small lifeless body to the nurse. He looked to Adie, her face still turned from his but he could tell by the way her shoulders were shaking that she was crying yet still he couldn’t think of anything to say to her, so instead he bought the hand he still had clasped in his to his lips and placed a small kiss to it. He kept hoping that any minute a piercing cry of a newborn would fill the room, that she would wake up and be fine, that Molly would prove the Doctors wrong but he finally accepted the truth when more then five minutes had passed. He wanted to go to her, to see her, he wanted to know if she looked like Adie or like him, he wanted to see the tiny hands and feet that had poked him through the skin of Adie’s stomach. He was torn because he didn’t want to leave Adie’s side, he didn’t want to cause her more pain by bringing the subject up. She must have sensed his dilemma because he felt her pull her hand out of his, he looked to her questioningly but her face was still in the opposite direction and he knew it was her way of letting him know he could go to Molly if he wanted to.

He took a shaky breath and pushed himself up from the seat that he had occupied before he slowly made his way over to the bassinette. He peered down and looked at the tiny face peeking out from beneath the blankets. She was tiny, so small that Nick was sure she would have fitted easily within the palm of one of his hands, she looked as if she was sleeping, the only giveaway that she wasn’t was the blue tinge around her lips. Her features were tiny, tiny but perfect, she reminded Nick of the doll Angel always used to carry around with her, the one question he had been wanting to know all along finally answered, she had taken after Adie, dark hair covering her small head.

“Does she have a name?” The nurse asked softly.

He nodded, answering, “Molly. Just Molly.”

He stroked a finger down the side of her cheek, the coolness of her skin making his heart break that bit more. She was his daughter, he was supposed to protect her, to teach her how to ride a bike without training wheels, to scare the monsters that hid in the closet away. He would never be able to do that.

“I uh…I need to get back to her,” Nick said as he pulled away from Kristin.

“I can go and sit with her for a while,” Kevin offered.

“NO,” Nick said quickly, “No she doesn’t know you’re here, she doesn’t…she didn’t want anybody to know, not yet.”

“Do you want us to hang around? Do you want us to call anybody?” Kristin offered.

“No you guys should go,” Nick said as he wiped his hands down his face in an effort to try and wake himself up some more, “Where’s Mason anyway?”

“With my Mom,” Kevin told him.

Nick nodded as he dug around in his pants pocket, pulling his key chain out he handed the house key to Kevin, “Take my key, I don’t know if I’ll be back tonight or not.”

“You sure you want us to go?” Kevin asked.

“Yeah,” he nodded.

“You call if want us to come back okay?” Kristin told him as she squeezed his hand.

“Okay.”

***

Adie could feel the pins and needles shooting down one of her legs, a sure sign that her epidural was starting to ware off, she knew what she needed to do to combat the annoying feeling and that was to move. That was the problem, moving meant laying on her back or turning onto her right side, Molly would be in her line of sight if she did that. She understood why they hadn’t just taken her straight away, it was so she and Nick could spend some time alone with her in private, so that they could meet her and then get to say goodbye but she didn’t want that. She didn’t want to have to meet her daughter only to fall in love with her before she would have to say goodbye forever and it was at that moment she wished she had refused the epidural so she could get up and walk away.

She glanced to the clock and noted that Nick had left over twenty minutes ago. He said he was going to use the bathroom, something he had done quite a lot of during the whole labour process but she knew he was lying. She hadn’t mentioned it, knowing that if she could have, she would have had as many bathroom breaks too. She was torn because she wanted nothing more then to curl up next to him, to wrap her arms so tightly around him and never let go but at the same time she didn’t want to be anywhere near him, the reminder that she had lost their baby, his baby to constant when she thought about him. Was it always going to be like that? Would she look at him and always be reminded of this day? Would she look at him and always feel the guilt tearing away at her insides like it was now? Could she bare to stay with him if they were the only emotions she would ever feel again?

She didn’t get anymore time to dwell on that thought, the sound of the door opening tearing her from her mind. Just from the hesitation she knew it was Nick, he didn’t say anything, didn’t walk round so he was in her eye line and she had clue what he was doing, he was probably just watching her, the same thoughts that had been running through her mind plaguing his.

When she heard him sniff she knew she had been wrong, when she heard him sniff back the tears Adie knew he was with Molly and she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat hoping that it wouldn’t bubble to the surface in a sob. She wiped the tears from her cheeks, remaining silent, hoping that if she closed her eyes he would think that she was sleeping. Hoping that he would tell the next nurse that came in to take the baby away. She was sorely disappointed when he started speaking.

“They’re going to take her soon,” he stated. Adie remained silent. “You need to say goodbye Adie, you need to hold her and say goodbye,” he managed to choke out.

She didn’t move from where she was, she didn’t say anything but the small hiccup of emotion that escaped her lips was enough to let him know that she was awake, that she was listening to what he saying.

“She’s beautiful,” He continued, “She’s got your colour hair.”

“Stop it,” Adie managed to choke out.

“If you don’t say goodbye properly I think you’re going to regret it for the rest of your life. Do you want that?” He asked and she shook her head no.

“I…I don’t…I can’t say goodbye,” She cried.

“I know, I don’t want to either but we have to. Do you…I’m going to bring her over okay?” He said not giving her the choice.

Adie moved off of her side and onto her back, she pushed on the palms of her hands and moved so she was sat up, her back resting against the pillows and when she opened her eyes she immediately wanted to close them again. It shouldn’t have been the way it was, she should have been welcoming this moment, Nick should have been smiling at her through his tears, the room should have been filled with the sound of a newborns cries but instead it was quiet and cold. She wiped at her eyes before Nick gently placed the bundle of blankets in her arms it took her a moment but finally she found the strength to look down at the small baby in her arms, the sobs she had tried so hard to repress coming out so hard she was finding it hard to catch her breath. She felt Nick wrap his arms round her shoulder and she buried her head in the crook of his neck. They stayed that way for a while, neither saying anything until they were interrupted by the shrill ring of a cell phone.

“It’s mine,” Adie sniffed. Nick followed the ring, eventually finding the phone in the pocket of Adie’s scrubs that had been placed on the chair by the window.

“It’s your Mom,” he told her, then reminding, “We’re supposed to be having dinner there.” “I don’t want them coming here.” “Should I tell them?” He asked unsurely.

“I don’t care I just don’t want them coming here.” Nick slid his finger across the screen of the I phone and bought the phone to his ear, “Hi Izzy, it’s Nick. Something’s come up and we’re not going to be able to make dinner tonight.”

Adie zoned out as Nick finished the rest of the conversation her gaze drifting down towards Molly, she was so perfect, a part of each of them and yet her life had been taken before it had even begun. The only reason Adie could come up with was that she was being punished for aborting her first child but that didn’t seem fair, not for Molly anyway, she hadn’t done anything wrong but yet here she was paying for her Mother’s mistake. She hadn’t even realised the Nick was next to her again, his long finger stroking Molly’s cheek.

“We love you very much and we are never going to forget about you but you have to go and play with the angels,” He softly told her. The tenderness of his voice making Adie break into sobs again.

***

It had been an hour since Molly had been taken from them, an hour since Adie had been wheeled into smaller room on a different floor of the hospital and she didn’t know whether being away from all the new mothers with healthy babies was a blessing or not. It didn’t make her forgot what had happened to her that was sure. The sensation to the lower part of her body was starting to return but as she tried to move into a comfier position, pain shot across her lower abdomen.

“You okay?” Nick asked concerned, obviously not missing the look that had crossed her face.

“I’m fine, epidural just warring off.”

“You want me to get somebody?” He asked as he stood from the chair that he had been sitting in.

“No.”

Nick watched as her gaze fell to the TV that was playing some mind numbingly crap game show, he knew she wasn’t watching it, he knew that she was lost inside of her own head and he wanted so badly to break her out of her private prison but he just didn’t know how to. He watched her for a long time, noticing how the sparkle in her eyes that had been present only that morning had seemed to disappear, she looked exhausted yet he knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep and all he wanted to do was hold her and tell her everything was going to be okay, that they were going to get past this. Yet he didn’t know that for sure, because at that point in time he didn’t know what the future held for them.

There was a knock at the door before it opened and Dr McManus made her way into the room.

“I know it’s a stupid question but how are you feeling?” She asked Adie as she took a seat on the opposite side of the bed to Nick.

“I just want to know when I can go home,” Adie mumbled.

“That’s what I came to talk to you about actually. I’d like to keep in you in for a few days.”

“I feel fine, I just want to go home.”

“I’d like to run a few tests before I let you go.”

“Why?” Nick asked.

“When we examined your placenta we found some clots, I think the clots obstructed the blood flow to the baby, which obstructed the oxygen she was getting. It could indicate that you have something Hugh’s syndrome Adie. Do you know what that is?”

Nick snaked his hand into Adie’s watching as she shook her head no.

“Hughes syndrome is a clotting disorder, it’s not known why but some antibodies in your blood mistakenly think that a type of fat called phospholipids is a bacteria and it triggers an autoimmune response which causes your blood to clot.”

“So it caused clots because I was pregnant?” Adie asked.

“It doesn’t just occur when your pregnant, it’s something you are going to have had since birth but it does effect pregnancies and sometimes that’s the only way we can diagnose it because like your case you’ve had no other symptoms,” Dr McManus told the pair.

“What are the other symptoms?” Nick asked.

“Deep vein thrombosis, pulmonary embolism, heart attacks, stroke, repeated miscarriages,” She said as she took Adie’s other hand in her own. “It’s good that we found out about this now Adie because if it is Hughes syndrome then it’s very treatable, all you would need to do is take one aspirin tablet a day.”

“So what tests do you need to do?” Nick asked.

“I just need to do a blood test-”

“Why can’t I just go home after that?” Adie asked.

“I want to check you out for D.V.T’s, you’ve done a lot of long haul travelling this past year and I just want to play it safe. We’ll get you set up for a dopler study tomorrow morning and if it’s negative then you can go home after that. Do you have any questions?” She asked

“If I’d known about this before I got pregnant…would…would she have been okay?” Adie stuttered.

“It’s likely that she would have been okay but now we know there is nothing to stop you carrying a pregnancy to term and having a healthy baby in the future. I know it’s probably the furthest thought on you remind right now but you can always try again.”

After the Doctor left the room was once again plunged into silence but Nick knew he couldn’t bare it anymore, he had to say something, even if it was the worst question in the world.

“Are you okay?”

“It’s my fault,” she mumbled. “It’s my fault, I should have known, I should realised.”

“You listen to me,” Nick told her as he stood and cupped her face between his hands, “This is not your fault, don’t blame yourself for this.”

“But it is my fault, I killed her,” she said her tears slipping making Nicks hands wet.

“No you didn’t, you didn’t know anything about this, this is not your fault,” he told her more sternly.

“You should go home,” She said as she moved her head towards the window again.

“I’m not going anywhere,” He said, trying to hold in a sigh as he sat back down.

“I want you to go.”

“Why?” He asked, knowing that this was just going to be the beginning of a very slippery slope for them.

“I want to sleep and I can’t do that with you watching my every move. I’ll call you in the morning to let you know when I need to be picked up,” she said as she moved more onto her side so that her back was facing him. He was silent for a few moments but he knew that he needed to respect her wishes, that maybe sleep would come easier for her if she was alone.

“Okay, I’ll go but if you want me to come back then just call me okay?” He said watching her nod. He leant down and placed a small kiss to the top of her head before he reminded her, “I love you.”

The nod she gave him hurt more then anything, more then having to watch her give birth, more then having lost his daughter because he knew that once again she was retreating into herself.

The difference this time was that he wasn’t sure if he was ever going to be able to pull her back.

It had been nine days since Molly had been born, nine days since she passed and three days since she had been laid to rest. People had told Nick that things would get better with time, that things would get easier but he just wasn’t sure if he trusted their words. We’re they just said out of kindness? The only thing people could really say to try and offer some comfort in the dark time that he and Adie were going through? Because at that point the couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, he couldn’t believe there would be a point where they could ever get back to where they were before and that was what scared him more then anything, that Molly’s death would be the death of their relationship. He didn’t want that, he loved Adie too much to let her slip away but he also knew that no matter how hard he clung to her, if she wanted to pull away there would be no stopping her.

She had started to pull away the night she asked him to leave the hospital and since then things had just gotten worse. He wasn’t sure what happened in the twelve hours he wasn’t by her side but it was almost as if they Adie he knew disappeared, she turned into the shell of the person who he remembered. Her answers were short and curt, when he leant in to kiss her she moved so his lips could only connect with her cheek, she crossed her arms over her chest as they walked out of the hospital so he couldn’t hold her hand, she even flinched when he placed his hand to the small of her back protectively. He had hoped that once the funeral had taken place that she might have started to open up more, that it would have given her some sort of closure but in reality all it did was make things worse.

She almost hadn’t turned up.

The morning of the funeral she woken up and headed towards the bathroom, he heard the water running signifying that the tub was being filled and made a mental note to keep and eye on the time, knowing how easily time seemed to drift away from her when she reclined in the warm water. He knocked on the door at ten thirty to remind her that they needed to leave in an hours time and again thirty minutes later when she still had not emerged. He sat and waited on the bed but he didn’t expect what happened after that. She opened the door and instead of being dressed in the outfit her Mother helped her pick out the day before she was back in her P.J’s. He had asked her why she wasn’t dressed her only reply being that she wasn’t going. He didn’t try and coax her, didn’t say another word, he couldn’t deal with it right then, he couldn’t deal with arguing with her before he was going to have to say a final goodbye to his daughter so he just got up and left the room.

Once Rachel had found out about her sisters behaviour she had gone up to try and see if she could convince Adie to come down but she too returned only five minutes later unsuccessful in her attempt. Izzy was next and Nick didn’t miss the flash of determination in her eyes, it was the same one Adie got when she was certain to succeed at something. It amazed him how two people could be so alike, it was like he was getting a chance to see how Adie was going to be in thirty years, because at the rate things were going he knew he probably wouldn’t be there to see it for himself. Izzy also lost her temper as quickly as Adie did and when Nick went to retrieve his shoes from the bottom of the stairs he could hear Izzy’s shrill voice telling her daughter exactly what she thought of her behaviour. What was more concerning was the not once did he hear Adie try and defend herself, it wasn’t like her at all because if she was backed into a corner, if someone was screaming at her she would scream back louder to get her point across, very rarely did she ever just sit there and take it. Izzy had returned a few moments later but Adie was nowhere in sight, she had taken Nick’s hand in her own and shook her head solemnly, all he could do was sigh as she led him towards the front door of the house. He shared a look with Stuart who immediately understood his request but that almost caused another argument when Izzy didn’t agree with him staying behind.

“So your not going to say goodbye to your granddaughter either?” She had hissed.

“No Isabelle my daughter needs me,” He had told her sternly as he walked towards the stairs of the house.

Izzy didn’t argue any further, she just squeezed Nick’s hand as Angel wrapped her arm around his waist from the other side. Nick had sat in the back of the car not really hearing anything that was going on around him, not really caring. All he wanted was to feel Adie’s hand in his rather then Izzy’s, all he wanted to do was to look to his left and see Adie sitting beside him rather then Kristin. He knew she was hurting, he knew how upsetting this day was going to be because he was also going through it, the same emotions she was feeling were wracking his own body, if he could he would avoided this day at all costs too. But that was the difference right there, instead of running from his problems, he faced them head on, he knew it wasn’t going to be easy but it was something he knew he had to do because if he had just stayed in bed like Adie was he knew eventually he would regret not saying goodbye properly, he knew it would eat at him for the rest of his life. There was no way she was going to be able to live with that guilt when she realised what a mistake she had made, after all look at how the guilt of the abortion had effected her.

The day had been bright and warm, not a cloud in the sky as the group of people in black made their way towards the cemetery, the mass of balloons trying to escape from each of their hands. That had been Nick’s idea, hell all the planning had been down to him, because if he had waited for Adie he knew the day would never have arrived. Flowers just seemed to old, he didn’t like the idea of spelling Molly’s name out in roses, after all what child, what baby would get delight from flowers, would smile when they saw them? But how many children adored helium balloons? He gripped his own in his hand tightly as they came to a stop in front of the tiny lilac coffin, he reached out and lightly brushed his fingertips over the top, wishing that he was gently stroking Molly’s cheek to clam her, he didn’t want to believe that his baby girl was lying in it motionless.

He stood as the service started but in all honesty he wasn’t really listening, he just wanted this to all be over, he wanted to fast forward a year of his life because at least by then he would know what was in store for him, he would know if it was going to get easier, he would know if he and Adie were going to make it.

He felt Izzy let go of his hand and when he looked to his right he realised why. He could only make out of the top of her head as she stared out in front of her but it was definitely Adie. He snaked his hand into hers, relieved when she didn’t pull away from him but surprised when she actually squeezed it in recognition, he squeezed back when her grip released slightly, a half smile crossing his lips when he looked to Stuart who held her other hand, the helium balloon she was holding occasionally hitting him in the head. He then turned his head forward and concentrated on saying goodbye to Molly.

It hadn’t been a very long service and by the time most people had started to make their way back to the house most of the helium balloons that had been released were out of sight but two remained on the ground. One was a bright pink star, the other a bright purple one, the balloons Nick and Adie had chosen, one of the only decisions Adie had been apart of, neither could bare to let the balloons go and so they had decided that they would stay behind with Molly. Nick had watched Adie out of the corner of his eye as people relayed their condolences to him and to her, she managed to thank and hug a few people before it all got too much and she had headed off for a walk with her Dad. Nick had found the pair when everyone else had left, he had heard her before he saw them, her sobs enough to cut threw his heart and make it break that much more. He had quickly taken over the role of Stuart, wrapping his arms around her protectively as he held her and rocked her slowly, not shedding the tears of his own because he knew he needed to be strong for her.

That had been the last time he saw her cry. In the past seventy two hours she had not shed a single tear and to some people that would have been a good sign, maybe she had gotten closure, maybe she was starting to accept it and move on but Nick knew differently, she was closing off from it, from everything and she was nowhere near over it. She had come back from the cemetery and made her way straight up to their room, he thought she was just going for a quick lie down, half an hour for which to gather herself but when more then an hour had past, when people started making their way home and she still had not made her way back down he had gone up to the first floor to investigate. He found her in her P.J’s in bed watching some stupid TV show, not that she was watching it, just staring at the TV he wasn’t even sure if she realised it was muted. She had been that way ever since, not coming out of the bedroom unless she really had to, she didn’t even say goodbye to Kevin and Kristin when they had left the previous day and he knew the same was going to happen when Angel and Aaron were due to leave the following day. They all said they understood that they didn’t take it personally, that she was obviously going through hell but so was he and he was still able to thank them for being there, thank them for their support. She needed some help, she needed to talk about it but he knew she wasn’t going to listen to a word he said and so he bought it up with her parents, Alex and Rachel the following day.

“I just…I don’t know what to do to help her. She wants to be left alone but it’s not good for her,” Nick said as he sat at the island in the kitchen, wondering if she had even managed to get out of the bed she was in that day.

“Has she cried yet?” Izzy asked. “It’s not like her to…when Jackson died she cried for days and he was just a dog.”

“This is a bit different Mom,” Rachel interjected.

“I know it is but all I’m saying is I don’t understand why she hasn’t cried since the funeral, there is no way she is fine like she’s saying she is, if she was fine she wouldn’t be hiding out in her room.”

“Have you tried talking to her about it?” Alex asked Nick as he bounced Max on his knee, a sight Nick was finding difficult to deal with. Was it wrong to be that jealous? Was it wrong to wish the tables were reversed and that he was the one bouncing a baby on his knee? Did he just really think that? Did he just wish that it was Rachel and Alex going through what he and Adie were? What kind of horrible person was he? He looked down to the coffee cup in his hands in silent shame before he answered.

“She doesn’t talk to me. The last time we had a proper conversation was before…” he hesitated, “It was in the elevator before we found out. It’s just one word answers, or looks, if I didn’t ask her things I don’t think she would make any sound at all.”

“She needs to talk about it, she needs…”

“WHAT DO I NEED RACH? ALL OF YOU FOR THAT MATTER, HUH? WHAT IS IT THAT I SO DESPRETELY NEED CAUSE I TELL YOU IT’S NOT THE LOOKS OF SYMPATHY, THE FUCKING FLOWERS OR ANYTHING ELSE!”

The yelling startled not only him but everyone else, it was so loud that Max started wailing and knowing that it wasn’t likely to stop Alex took it as a cue to walk out of the French doors and into the back yard to try and comfort his son. Nick looked away guilty, he hadn’t expected her to come down, he hadn’t expected her to overhear their conversation, he hadn’t wanted to hurt her or make her angry. All he wanted to do was help her.

“I can’t believe this,” She hissed as she looked around the room. She was angry, the only other time Nick remembered seeing her as angry as she was when she found him counting her pill in London. Her sweats hung from her decreasing waist line, the baggy black t-shirt hung loosely from her, her hair was wild from where it hadn’t been brushed in a few days.

“Sugar pu-"He tried but she cut him off quickly, her eyes filled with rage and he didn’t know whether he was happy to see that or not, at least it was better then them looking empty.

“Don’t Nick, I am sick of your little meetings where you discuss how I should be feeling and when I should grieve. It’s none of your god damned business.”

“We just want to help you,” Her Father told her.

“I don’t need your help!”

“Really? You could have fooled me,” Rachel added sarcastically, receiving glares from both Izzy and Stuart. Rachel had always been that way as long as Nick had known her, her way of dealing with confrontation was to use sarcasm, she would state the obvious as a way of trying to defend herself, maybe that was why her and Alex were so well suited, because he did it too.

“I don’t need anyone’s help, especially yours,” Adie repeated again, her eyes zeroing in on Rachel as she spoke her last words and it was then Nick knew it was about to get really ugly.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Rachel questioned.

“I hate you,” Adie spat.

“Adrianna,” Her Mother said, appalled by her youngest’s words to her sister.

“No Mom let her finish,” Rachel said calmly. Nick had never felt so uncomfortable in his life, he wanted nothing more then to be in the backyard with Alex and Max and when he looked to the doors to see if a possible escape could be easily made he spotted Alex stood in the doorway, Adie’s hateful words obviously catching his attention.

“Why do you get it all? Why do you get to have the perfect life with the husband and the baby? You’re nothing but a screw up, you flunked out of high school, had dead end job after dead end job, you haven’t worked a day since you met Alex, yet you get everything. You don’t give a shit about anyone but yourself. I made something of myself, I got a decent job, I help people and yet what did I get in return for it? Someone who doesn’t love me enough to marry me, a baby whose lying dead in the ground somewhere,” she said quickly, her breath coming out ragged.

“So that’s all my fault?!” Rachel yelled back, “It’s my fault you and Nick aren’t married and it’s my fault that Molly died?”

“You never gave a shit about anyone but yourself Rachel, you always put yourself first.”

“Oh and you are supposed to be little Miss Perfect are you?” Rachel hissed as she remained seated at the stool next to the breakfast bar. Her back had straightend a sure sign she was ready to defend herself at all costs if she needed to.

“I’m a hell of a lot better then you,” Adie replied.

“Adie,” Alex tried to interject in an attempt to defend his wife.

Rachel quickly whipped round in her chair silencing him, “No Alex I want to hear what little Miss Sunshine and Light has to say about me. Apparently my life is perfect even if I am a low life, un-educated, gold digger.”

“Well what have you done with your life?” Adie questioned.

“Just because you went to college and got a decent job doesn’t make you perfect Adie, just because you did everything Mom and Dad asked of you doesn’t make you better then me, it makes you spineless.” Rachel retaliated.

“Spineless?” Adie questioned.

“Yeah because instead of standing up for what you believed in, for what you wanted to do you followed their rules, their wishes because you knew if you did that then they would see you as the achiever, they would be proud of you and not me, hell I bet you believed they would even love you more then me if you did everything. That’s why they don’t know you were engaded to Mark isn’t it?” Rachel said, her eyes narrowing when Adie’s eyes seemed to bulge.

“What?” Izzy asked, the shock registering in her voice as she looked from Rachel to Adie.

“Don’t worry Mom it didn’t last very long because there is something Little Miss Perfect over there never told you.”

“Don’t Rachel,” Nick tried but when she continued his gaze fell to his lap.

“She’s trained to save children’s lives but instead she choose to kill her own by having an abortion,” Rachel said before she turned back to Adie, “There now you can join me in the group of lowlifes.”

By the time Nick looked up again Adie was gone, and he winced when he heard the bedroom door slam shut. The room had plunged into an awkward silence after Rachel’s outing of Adie’s past history and Nick just wanted the ground to open up and eat him whole. Alex was the first to speak as he walked into the room with Max nestled in his arms.

“I can’t believe you did that,” he said to Rachel.

“So it’s okay for her to verbally degrade me and make me feel like I’m worthless but when I give her a taste of her own medicine I’m wrong,” Rachel hissed back but Nick didn’t miss the tears in her eyes, Adie’s words had truly got to her.

“I’m not saying that, you had every right to defend yourself but that wasn’t your information to share with everyone Rach.”

“Well I obviously don't know what the correct decorum is in these types of situations you know, being an illiterate low life and all,” she said as she grabbed her purse before she got down from the stool she had been sat in.

“Babe,” Alex tried with a sigh.

“There are two bottles in the fridge for Max at home, I’ll be back for the feed after those,” She told him as she wiped the tear that fell.

“Rachel,” her Mom tried.

“See you later Nick,” She said as she placed a small kiss to his cheek.

***

It hadn’t taken long for Alex to leave after Rachel made her exit, after all Max had needed to be fed within the hour and the little boy made it quite known that he was getting hungry. Izzy and Stuart had hung around for a bit longer, it had been an awkward hour where Nick was asked about the details of the abortion and even though he knew it wasn’t his information to share he told them anyway. Izzy had been shocked that she hadn’t found out sooner, that Adie hadn’t felt she could have confided in her own Mother. Stuart had just sat quietly and listened to the details, finally excusing himself after ten minutes to go and check on Adie. He had returned not two minutes later when acess to the bedroom had been an issue, apparently Adie had taken it upon herself to lock the door.

He watched as they pulled out of the driveway and once they were out of sight Nick closed the door and looked to the stairs. He knew she was embarrassed, he knew that she liked to be alone when she was embarrassed but at that point Nick didn’t care what she wanted. she had some explaining to do. There had been absolutely no need for her to talk to Rachel in the manner that she had and to say those spiteful things were beyond unnecessary. Sure she was hurting, sure she was upset but it did not give her the right to speak to anybody like that no matter how true it possibly was. He was sick of her mood, of her arrogance, she seemed to have tunnel vision that was only focused on her own internal pain, well he was hurting too not that she seemed to care.

He reached the bedroom door but when he tried to turn the handle he found it remained locked. He knocked loudly, his anger finally bubbling to the surface.

“Open the door Adie,” He said, ready for a fight and that was why he was so shocked when he heard the lock click from the other side almost immediately. She stood opposite him, her face blank of any emotion, blank of any remorse she should have felt from the awful things she had just said to her sister.

“What do you want?” She asked.

“I want to know what the hell just happened down there.”

“It’s called an argument Nick.” Adie could be as sarcastic as Rachel when she wanted to be. “An argument that only happened because of your stupid little secret meeting about me.”

“It wasn’t a secret meeting,” he told her.

“Well I wasn’t there was I? You were all talking about me and I wasn’t there.”

“We’re worried about you, we were trying to help you,” he answered back as he walked into the room.

“Well I don’t need or want your help,” she told him her hands on her hips.

“Fine. Okay,” he said as he held up his hands in exasperation, “We were wrong to talk about you, to bother with caring about you but you had no right to say the things you said to her. Just because you are jealous-”

She cut in, “I’m not the only one whose jealous, I saw the way you were looking at Alex with Max.”

“You want me to admit to it? You want me to tall you that I am so jealous of Alex and Rachel having that beautiful baby when we can’t have ours, that I wished it was them instead of us? Because fine I will. I am jealous as hell but I don’t go round verbalising it, I don’t go round telling Alex that he doesn’t deserve to be a Father, so why do you feel that you can?” He hissed.

“Because Rachel doesn’t deserve it, she’s done nothing with her life, she’s a drop out and-”

It was Nick’s turn to cut in, “I never finished high school, I’m a drop out too remember. So maybe that’s why we’re here, maybe I don’t deserve to have a child, maybe I would screw them up so badly after having my parents as role models that it’s not worth it.”

“Don’t make this about you,” she said with a roll of her eyes.

“But this is about me, I know you seemed to have forgotten but I am part of this relationship too, Molly was my daughter too, I lost her too,” he reminded.

“Yeah you sure seem upset about it,” she said quietly her eyes diverting to the floor.

“You don’t think I’m upset about it?” He questioned, unsure of whether her head heard her correctly. How could she think that?