Have you ever felt like the life you were living couldn't possibly be yours?  Like that person couldn't possibly be you, because you're not that much of a dumbass?  Welcome to the club.  It turns out that I am that much of a dumbass.  Or at least I was.  I'm working on changing that now.

The first step to getting my life back on track?  Kicking Audrey out of it.  If only I could.  I'm stuck with that witch of a woman until the day I die.  We are forever attached.  That attachment is the one good thing I got from her.  I'm getting a little ahead of myself though.  I guess I should explain...

I met Audrey around, what has it been now?  Five years?  That sounds right.  It was at a club opening.  I was drawn to her.  I don't usually let certain parts of my body make the decision, but I thought, ‘Why not let go, Howie?  You deserve a break.'  That may have been the biggest mistake of my life.  Though it is one I'm not entirely convince I would change given the chance.

She was tall and gorgeous.  I wanted to run my fingers through that long, dark hair.  And her eyes?  Oh this amazing shade of green.  I asked her to dance, and that was it!  We've been together ever since.  Sort of.

This is where the dumbass in me shows.  Alex would probably call me a fucktard.  In fact, I think he has.  All four of the guys have called me some variation.  I wasn't blind to it, I just chose to ignore it.  Don't ask me why.

I believe it was sometime near the end of our first year together.  I didn't want to believe it was true, so I convinced myself it wasn't.  About six months after the first signs of her cheating she told me she was pregnant.  When she told me that she was pregnant I'd convinced myself she'd stop.  She had to love me, she was having my baby.

Yes, you can smack me in the head now.  I deserve it.

Surprise, surprise, it didn't stop.  Lord only knows what trouble I could've gotten myself into because of my sheer stupidity.  Then Gwen was born.  Best day of my life.  I didn't want to put her through the pain-it's not right for a innocent child to be fought over and shipped back and forth between parents.  We'd work it out.

The truth is, I didn't want to risk losing her.  I was always afraid deep down inside that if I left Audrey, then she would take Gwen and I'd never see her again.  Looking back on it now, I wish I'd done something more at the beginning.  Or even just after Gwen was born!  She was too young to know the difference at that point.  Gwen was three now, and three year olds know what's going on, even if they don't understand it.

I just couldn't do it anymore.  It wasn't fair for Gwen to be stuck in the middle.  It wasn't fair of me to let my three year old daughter hear her mom and dad fighting, even when we didn't think she could hear us.  So I told Audrey to get out.

What prompted the sudden decision?  Audrey confessed.  She'd gotten as far as admitting to cheating for four and a half years, and admitting to the fact that she didn't actually love me anymore, before our beautiful three year old appeared in the kitchen with us.  I wasn't about to have that conversation in front of her.

I watched as Gwen bounced in and I could tell that she'd dressed herself.  You know what I'm talking about, when a kid has no sense of matching.  They think it looks perfect, and it is their favorite blue striped shirt and orange polka-dot skirt.  I just shook my head, trying to stifle a laugh as I told her how beautiful she'd looked.  We'd fix it later.

Gwen had looked up at me with those big green eyes, the same ones her mother has, "Daddy, you's takes me to aunt Ashens?"

Ah Ashlynn.  My best friend and the only person, besides the guys, that I felt comfortable enough with to tell my secrets to.  Ashlynn is Audrey's big sister, Gwen's aunt, and my savior on some days.  Okay, most days.  Today happened to be one of those days.

Gwen had demanded that we take Ashlynn painting for her birthday, and this was supposed to be that day.  It hadn't look like plans were going to stay on schedule.

I crouched down in front of her, "Yes baby girl, we are going to see Aunt Ashlynn.  Go put on some shoes and we'll go."

I watched her wide grin as she turned and ran out of the kitchen.  She hadn't even glanced at her mother.  That has to tell you something.

When I'd turned back around Audrey was glaring at me.  She was upset with me because she didn't have the same relationship with our daughter that I did.  Can you believe that?

I'd ignored the look, "I'm going to drop Gwen off with Ash.  We need to talk."

I watched Audrey nod and then I saw the grin spread across her face.  I knew there was much more to it then.  It was definitely going to be a long day.

I shook off the horrible feeling creeping into my brain and went in search of my daughter, "You ready baby girl?"

I went to the bottom of the stairs and waited for her.  She giggled as she ran down the stairs.  I heard her giggles get louder when I caught her at the bottom and swung her up into my arms.

I've always loved the feeling of her small body against mine.  I love holding my daughter.  She's like a little monkey, wrapping her legs around my waist when I carry her.  She grabbed my face planted a wet kiss on my cheek as I carried her out to the garage.

I watched her through the rearview mirror as I drove over to Ashlynn's house.  She was so funny dancing around in her carseat.  So sweet and innocent, completely oblivious to the fact that her world may very well have been crumbling around her.

"Daddy, you's puts on da Boys?  I's wanna hears my untel J."

I shook my head, letting out a little chuckle.  Every single time we were in the car she wanted me to put on BSB.  Ashlynn had created a little monster.

I pushed the correct buttons to fulfill my daughter's request.  Gwen grinned widely when she'd heard the first notes of I Want it That Way, and she began bopping along, singing as best as she could.

I didn't know what was going to happen between Audrey and I, but I knew it wouldn't be pleasant.  I just had to make sure I did what I needed to, to keep Gwen out of the middle.

Gwen's wiggling in the back seat brought me back to the present.  I knew she knew we were close because the excitement in her wiggling got bigger and bigger.  When I finally pulled into the driveway, she squealed, begging me to hurry up and get her out.  I laughed as I watched her run top speed up the path and bang on the front door.

The door opened and there was Ashlynn.  Gwen had herself wrapped around her Aunt's legs before the door was even fully open.  Was it possible for a child to love her aunt more than her mother?

"Gwenny bear!" I heard Ashylnn exclaim.  I stood at the car, watching Ashlynn trying to pry Gwen off of her.

"Ashen!  I's comes ta pways wif yous!"

I decided it was time to step in, saving Ashlynn from tripping, so I walked up the path, "Gwen, you have to let go of Aunt Ashlynn or she'll fall down."

Gwen reluctantly let Ashlynn's legs go, but immediately grabbed her hand and dragged her back into the house.

"You don't look so good," Ashlynn pointed out.

"Gee thanks.  It's been a long morning," I answered, following them into the house.

Ashlynn raised her eyebrow in question and I nodded.

Turning to Gwen, she got down to her level, "Gwenny bear, why don't you go into my room and find the toys so daddy and I can talk for a minute.  I think there might even be some new stuff in there."

Gwen's eyes lit up and she was off.

Once she was out of ear shot, Ashlynn turned back to me, "What's going on?"

"Audrey.  I kind of kicked her out."

"Wow...it's about damn time!"

I gave her a look and she put her hands up, "Sorry, sorry.  So what happened?"

I glanced down the hall to make sure we were still alone, "Would you be mad if I changed our plans?"

"No way.  You go do what you have to do.  Gwen can keep me company.  We'll go shopping or something."

"Thanks Ash.  I just need to get Audrey sorted out, and I don't want Gwen there."

Ashlynn nodded her understanding.

I knew I needed to get back and get this over with, so I went down the hall to say goodbye to Gwen.

"Daddy, we's supposed ta go paint!"

"I know baby girl, but daddy and mommy have to talk, so you're going to hang out with Aunt Ashlynn by yourself for a few hours."

"We can goes to paint tomorrow?"

"Maybe baby girl.  Can I have a hug?"

Gwen nodded and I opened my arms.  I kissed her nose and then her forehead, just like I always do, and I stood up and left.

Sitting in the car now, I wish I'd just have gotten it over with three years ago.  I'm not sure how or why I let my life get like this.  All I know is that I need to get it back on track.  The second I step in that house, I know I will be one step closer to getting there.

"You don't just fall out of love Aubrey.  Not over night!  Not after five years!" I yelled at her over the kitchen counter.  I can't believe she's trying to lie to me about it!

We stood on opposite sides of the island, almost like I do with Gwen when we're playing.

"Fine.  I don't know if I've loved you for a while now," I watched her grin and for the first time ever, I wanted to reach out and smack the grin off of her face.

I took a deep, calming breath.  I was not going to hit her.  I needed to keep my temper in check.  It would all be fine.  I'd ask her to leave, and we'd be rid of her.  Sort of.

"So you've just been here for what?  My money?  The big house?  Because I know you've been going elsewhere for sex."

"Oh please, you can't tell me that you haven't been getting if from someone else, too."

"I'm not a cheater," I simply told her.  I don't think she was expecting that.  I'm sure she believed I was sleeping with other women.  Newsflash, sex isn't all there is.  Even if I was looking for a hook-up, my time was spent with my daughter and the Boys.

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" I watched her cock her head to the side and she leaned on her hands over the counter, "I know you've been sleeping with my sister."

Whoa, what?  Where the hell did that come from?

"Ashlynn?  I...I'm not going to even dignify that with an answer."

"I know you love her.  It's obvious!" she smacked her palm against my counter.

"I think you should pack your things and leave."

"That's fine, I'll pack Gwen and myself up and we'll be out of your hair."

Did she honestly think I was going to let her take my daughter out of this house?  Was she crazy?  Oh right, she is.

"Gwen is not going anywhere with you," I pointed at her.  Had the island not been between us my finger would have jabbed her hard in the chest.

"Well I'm not leaving my daughter here," Audrey spat.

"You don't even have a place to live!  You can't drag a three year old around from house to house."

"We'll find a place.  It won't be difficult."

"So you can have a different guy traipsing through the house every other day?  Children need consistency, Audrey."

"Oh and bringing the little brat on a tour bus is consistent?" she started for the stairs, and I followed close behind.

"You don't even like her!" I was completely exasperated.  I knew that the only reason she wanted Gwen was to spite me, "Coming with me on a tour bus is completely different.  Granted it's not the most consistent, but she's surrounded by people she knows and loves, and who know and love her."

I watched her grab her belongings out of dresser drawers and the closet, stuffing suitcases.

"That's a load of bullshit.  Besides, she knows and loves me."

"She only loves you because she's a child and she doesn't know any better," I growled at her.  I could tell that one stung, and I put a check in my column.

"There is no way I'm leaving her with you," she walked out of the room we'd been sharing and down the hall to Gwen's room.

I was right on her heels, "That's tough.  She's not going with you."

I watched her stop packing Gwen's things and she looked up at me, "I didn't want it to be this way, but I guess you should know...you have no chance of getting that kid."

"That kid is our daughter.  I have been there for her every day of her life.  I can provide for her in every way.  I have just as much chance of getting custody of her as you do."

She'd been saving this, I could tell.  The look on her face, a look of pure joy and victory, told me that it didn't matter how many checks I had in my column, I was fucked.

"She's not yours."

That's when it happened.  All time stopped.  Those last three words repeated in my head, over and over again.  Not mine?  Not possible.

Her short life flashed through my mind.  Holding her the day she was born.  Seeing her first smile.  Her first steps, her first words...I was her father.  I had to be.

I didn't even notice that Audrey had gone back to packing.  I couldn't see anything but Gwen's tiny face.  I couldn't hear anything except the blood rushing through my ears.  I didn't even feel her brush past me when she left the bedroom.

The sound of a car engine starting brought me back to life.  I had to get some answers.

I pulled my cell phone from my pants pocket and searched through the recent call history for Ashlynn's phone number.

I barely waited for Ashlynn to say hello before I blurted out, "I need you to bring me Gwen."

"Howie?  What's wrong?"

"I'll explain when you get her, just come over," I pled with her, "And don't talk to Audrey, please?"

"We'll be there in ten minutes.  Whatever it is, everything will be okay."

I ended the call and stuffed my phone back into my pants pocket.  We couldn't stay there.  Audrey would be back when she couldn't find Gwen at Ashlynn's house.  We had to go somewhere else.  I grabbed a few essentials for Gwen, and waited for Ashlynn on the front porch.

I watched the gate slowly open and I grabbed the stuff and walked down the steps to the path leading to the driveway.  When they pulled into the driveway I was right there waiting.

"Hi daddy!" I heard Gwen's voice from the backseat and I had to keep myself from breaking down again.

"We going somewhere?" Ashlynn asked me.

I nodded and walked around to the passenger side, "We need to go to the hospital."

"What happened?"

"I need a paternity test, and I need to get it done fast."

"What?!?"

I reached out to keep myself from hitting the dashboard.

"Sorry, sorry.  She told you that."

I didn't want Gwen to know what we were discussing, so I said as little as possible.

"So she's been...for that long?"

I nodded again.

"Howie, I'm sorry."

"I need to know."

"She looks exactly like you, though."

"If I want to fight for her, I have to have the blood proof that she is."

"What if...she's not?"

I hadn't let that thought cross my mind.  I wouldn't go there unless I had to.  One step at a time.

"I just...I can't let Audrey take her.  I can't let it happen."

I looked back at Gwen, sitting innocent as could be in the backseat.  She has to be mine, she has to be mine, she has to be mine.  I just kept repeating it in my head.

I was pacing back and forth across my living room.  The doctor was supposed to call that day with the results of the paternity test.  The wait was killing me!  I still hadn't explained anything to Gwen, she was just too young to understand it all.  I hadn't talked to any of the guys yet, either.  I needed to know before I went around upsetting other people.

The phone startled me out of my thoughts and I jumped for it.  I was so excited and nervous to answer it that I almost dropped the phone in my haste to pick it up.

"Hello?" I frantically asked.

"Howie...man, have you seen MTV lately?"

I let out the breath I'd been holding, it was only AJ.  Not the call I was hoping for.

"Listen, Aje, I'm kind of waiting for a call..."

"Is it about the results from a test?  Is it really true?"

How the hell did he know about the test?  No one besides Ashlynn and the doctor's office knew.  Well, there was also Audrey.

When I didn't say anything, AJ pushed further, "So it is true then?"

I decided to try and play dumb, though I'm not entirely sure why, "I'm not sure I know what you are talking about."

"C'mon Howie.  It's all over MTV.  They're saying you kicked Audrey out and that there's question of you being Gwen's father.  Why didn't you tell us?"

I could hear the hurt in his voice.  They were my best friends, so I could understand it.  I probably should have gone to them about it, but I hadn't expected it to get out before I was ready to tell the story.

I let out a long sigh, "I guess...I just wanted to figure things out before I said anything.  I didn't want to drag anyone else's emotions through this."

"But we're here for you Howie.  Always.  You shouldn't have to go through this alone."

"I'm not.  And I'm sorry.  I know I should've talked to you guys about it.  I just didn't expect it to be this big yet."

"So do you know yet?"

"No, I'm waiting for the doctor to call now."

"Have you decided what you want to do?  I mean, if Gwen isn't..."

AJ's voice trailed off.  I think he was just as scared of saying it as I was of thinking it.  That didn't make it any easier.  I kept having to push the thought out of my head.  It all got harder when I felt her small arms wrap around my leg.

"Hiya daddy," she grinned up at me.

I tried to force a smile for her, but I'm not sure it really came off.  Then the call waiting beeped.  I froze.  That nervous excitement returned and I wasn't sure I actually wanted to click over.  My life was at that point where anything could have happened.  I wasn't ready to hear that my life was over.

I heard the beep again, I felt Gwen's arms tighten around my left leg, and I knew it was time.  I had to know.

"Alex, I need to call you back."

"Is everything okay?  Are they calling?"

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see me, "I don't know.  I'll call you later."

I pushed the button to click over to the waiting call and put the phone back up to my ear.

"This is Doctor Robert's office calling for Howard Dorough," the female's voice announced.

I closed my eyes, concentrating on the feel of Gwen, "This is Howard."

"We have the paternity results back Howard.  Official forms have been mailed out, but Doctor Robert's insisted we call you immediately."

"Is that a good thing, or a bad thing?" I hesitantly asked.

"Oh, I'm sorry Howard.  Doctor Robert's wanted us to call to congratulate you..."

Anything the woman said after that was lost.  My eyes popped open and I grinned.  Actually, I think I yelled.

"Why you yellin' daddy?"

I bent down and wrapped Gwen in my arms.  The phone had been forgotten and it was dropped to the floor at my feet.  I was too happy to worry about that.

"Daddy is happy, Gwenny bear.  Daddy is very happy."

"You skwishin me daddy!" Gwen giggled, and I just squeezed tighter.

I had spent the next hour calling AJ back, and making phone calls to the rest of the guys, as well.  I had to do some damage control.  I knew if AJ was hurt by my leaving them out of the loop, Brian and Nick would be as well.

I'd just hung up with AJ, and I was scrolling through my cell phone for Brian's number when a call came through.

I recognized Audrey's cell phone number and I hesitated answering it.  I didn't want her attempting to ruin my afternoon.

"Hello Audrey, what do you want?"

"I was just calling to check in.  I saw MTV news this afternoon," I could hear the grin in her voice, leading me to believe she was the cause of the MTV leaks, "Get any results back yet?"

"As a matter of fact, I did.  I'm a little busy right now though.  You're going to have to wait, you're at the very bottom of my list of phone calls."

"That's fine.  I just wanted to make sure you were preparing yourself.  I have contacted my lawyers."

"That's very kind of you to warn me, but I think we'll be fine," I hung up on her, not wanting to give her the satisfaction on an argument.

I immediately went back to my phone calls.  I found Brian's phone number and made the call.

"Hello Howard."

"So I guess you saw it, too?"

"I just don't understand why you felt you could come to us?"

"Like I told AJ, I just didn't want to drag anyone else through it."

"We would've found out anyways.  It doesn't matter what happens, Howie, we're your brothers."

"I know that, and I'm sorry.  It will all be okay, though, because I got the test results back."

"Well congratulations Howie.  What's the next step?"

"I file for sole custody."

Brian and I discussed it all.  He tried to make me look at all possibilities, but I was confident in myself.  I wish I'd listened to him, but you can't go back and change things.

I had a brief conversation with Nick as well, apologizing to him as well.  I was on my last, and best, phone call.  Ashlynn had been waiting just as impatiently as I had been, and I probably should have called her first, but I needed to talk to the guys.

"So?  What's the deal?"

"Well hello to you, too," I tried not to laugh or sound too excited, but it was difficult.

"C'mon Howie!  Did you hear yet?"

I gave in easily, "Yes I did...she's mine."

"See!  I told you!  And you doubted me!  So what do you do now?"

"I go to my lawyer and file for sole custody."

"That sounds so...scary."

I simply nodded, "Can you watch Gwen for me?  I don't want to take her down there."

"How could I say no to you?  Bring her over whenever."

"So what are we looking at here? Kevin looked back and forth between me and my lawyer.

We all sat in my living room, Gwen playing happily in her room, as we discussed the upcoming hearing.  I didn't want Gwen listening to the conversation.

"Well, the custody hearing is tomorrow," I offered the already known information.  I was nervous!

My lawyer nodded, "We just have to make sure we have all of our information in order.  We have the paternity results here.  And you said that your name is on the birth certificate?"

I nodded.  I had a file of paperwork in my lap and I opened it to pull out Gwen's birth certificate, "Here it is."

"Good.  We'll need to be sure we have that tomorrow."

Brian, who'd been quietly watching, spoke up, "Did she ever give you any indication that there was someone else?"

He knew the answer to that.  All of them did.  They all told me time and time again that they thought she was cheating.  I knew she was, I just didn't' acknowledge it.

I let out a little laugh, not because I thought it was funny, but more because I couldn't believe I'd gotten myself here.

"You know I knew there were others.  It just never occurred to me that one of them was Gwen's father."

"Audrey never said anything, why would you question it, right?" Nick asked innocently.

I knew that I should have questioned it, regardless of the fact that she hadn't said anything.  All I knew now was that Gwen was mine, and that I was going to fight for her.

"She looks exactly like you, I don't think any of us really thought about it," AJ admitted.

We all nodded and there was silence for a few minutes.

My lawyer finally spoke again, "You have the financial means to support Gwen, as well as a great support system-slash-‘family here...and you've been Gwen's caregiver since her birth.  You're her father.  I believe our chances are good."

I'm pretty sure everyone let out a sigh of relief at that.  I wasn't about to relax, I knew anything could happen, but it took a load off knowing that my lawyer thought it would be okay.  I stood up at that point and shook the man's hand.

"Give me a call if you have any questions or concerns tonight," he said.  He nodded at the rest of the guys and showed himself out.

When I turned back around to face the guys, they all looked up at me.  I could tell they were unsure of what to do or say.  I cold tell they were all still just as concerned as I was about it all.

Finally Kevin spoke, "So what do you want to do about the media?"

"I don't know.  I don't think I want Gwen to go to the courthouse tomorrow.  I think it would better for her if someone stayed with her here.  Maybe I can ask Ash to stay with her."

"That's probably for the best," Brian concluded.

I wasn't as much concerned about Gwen's picture getting taken, but more about her well-being.  I'd tried to keep her shielded from this whole situation.  She was only three years old!  She's too young to understand it all, and I know how the media can be.  I didn't want them scaring her.

You see, Gwen's a complete ham.  If there's a camera she's all over it.  She poses or plays it up.  I think she got that more from her mother, but whatever.

I think I've done a fairly good job of keeping her life private up until this point.  I didn't want to thrust Gwen into the spotlight unless and until she wanted to be there.  I didn't want her life on display.

Audrey, however, had different feelings about it all.  She actually went behind my back and sent out dozens of pictures of Gwen just after she was born.  I was in the middle of finalizing a deal with a magazine!  It's not like I was planning on hiding Gwen from the world.  I wanted my fans to see my daughter.  But I didn't want her entire childhood in the media.

Needless to say the magazine I was working with was none too happy to find out that everyone was getting free pictures of the first Backstreet Baby.

Keeping her out of public places right now was the best way I knew how to protect her.  I didn't need crazy paparazzi scaring her.  She's too young and innocent for that.  I just hoped it would be enough.

When I woke up the next morning my stomach was in knots.  Gwen could tell something wasn't right.  I was trying to get in as many hugs and kisses...just in case.  I didn't know what I'd do if they took her away from me.

Ashlynn came over to stay with Gwen while I was at the hearing.  I think she could tell how nervous I was, but she didn't say anything.  She was good like that.

Finally I separated myself from Gwen.  Dressed in a charcoal gray suit and blue tie, I left the house.  I'm not entirely sure how I made it to the court house; I don't remember most of the drive.  I probably should have had someone else drive me.

When I got out of the car the media was everywhere, along with groups of fans there to both protest and show their support.  I was hoping, completely unrealistically, that something bigger would be going on and no one would be left to cover this story.  It didn't happen.  I was bombarded by questions from at least a dozen different magazines, websites and reporters.
"Howie, did you know that Audrey was cheating?"

"How long has Audrey been unfaithful, Howie?"

"Is there any chance of reconciliation between you and Audrey?"

"What will you do it Audrey is awarded full custody?"

The questions were being fired at me from all directions, all at the same time.  I didn't even know what say.  Everything was happening so fast and so many thoughts were running through my mind.

I stopped, deciding to say a few words before I went inside.  Really, I just wanted to get this over with, but I knew I should say something at least.

I took a deep breath, "The relationship between Audrey and I has been unstable for some time now.  We have parted ways, and I hope, for the sake of our child, we can continue on civil terms.  I see no future with Audrey other than sharing parental roles over our daughter.

"As far as this trial goes, only God knows what will happen.  For now all I can do is hope for the best and take things one step at a time."

I smiled, then turned and continued my walk inside.

"Where is Gwen now?"

"Who is the woman you've been seen with recently?"

"Good luck, Howie!"

I'm not sure who wished me luck, possibly one of the fans, but it was nice.  It was nice to know someone out there was rooting for me.

The rest of the guys had come as well.  They'd avoided the crowds and were waiting for me inside.  It felt like we waited for years for them to call us in.  When they finally did, it was like I was on autopilot.  I did everything I needed to, but this huge pit of dread sat in my stomach.  Something just didn't feel right.

I looked over and watched Audrey sitting there.  She looked so happy, so smug.  I didn't want to do it anymore.  I wanted to go back home and find my daughter.  I wanted to get down on the floor with her and play with her dolls, or have a tea party.  I know, me playing tea party?  It was one of Gwen's favorite games though, so I did it.

Audrey kept looking back at the people sitting in the "audience", but I couldn't figure out why.  I swear she was grinning like the Cheshire cat, like she knew exactly what was going to happen.

I'd sort of tuned out what was going on.  I was lost in my world with Gwen, remembering her smile, her butterfly kisses every night when I tucked her in, the way she crawled into my bed to wake me up every single morning without fail.  What would I do if I didn't have that any more?

The lawyer nudged me.  Everyone was standing as the judge made her way out of the courtroom to make her decision.  This was it.  She was going to her chambers to look everything over.  My daughter's fate would be decided here, any minute now.

The guys came up to offer encouraging words, but I didn't pay attention.  I was watching that door the judge had just left through, watching for it to re-open, watching for her to come back.  I couldn't hear anything, couldn't see anything but that door.  I was afraid that if I took my eyes off of the door I would miss something.

"Please rise," the bailiff's voice boomed over the sound of the crowd.

Everyone got back to their seats and stood for the judge to return.  This was it.  It was happening now.

I squeezed the table in front of me to the point that my knuckles were white.  I held my breath as the judge addressed both myself and Audrey.  I don't even remember what she said.  All I remember were her last words, the last words she said before she banged her gavel and the ruling was made.  Those words changed my life forever.