Run for your Life!   

“Run! You are not running fast enough!” I grabbed at Kevin’s shirt as we ran down the long narrow corridor of the palace we were in.  They were closing in fast behind us, guns ready and mumbling something in Russian. Damn it, I knew I should have bought a Russian phrase book!

“Quick… this way!” I said as I turned a corner and threw us both into an opened door, locking it and jumping behind a huge desk as Kevin did the same.

“What do you think they want?” He whispered to me, out of breath and anxious.

“You know you’d be in better shape if you didn’t leave the band.”

“We’re going to have this conversation now?” He asked, staring at the door just waiting for them to break through.

“I’m just saying that if you were with us on tour and dancing and up on stage regularly you most likely wouldn’t be so out of breath.”

“I’ll remember that if we live long enough, okay?”

He had a point. I’m not sure why I wasn’t shitting my pants to be honest. I mean sometimes shadows scare me, but here we were being chased in a Russian Palace and I’m talking about workout routines?

Suddenly the door burst opened. My heart stopped for a few seconds I think. I mean I couldn’t breathe. No matter how much I tried I just couldn’t do it. “Are you guys in here?”

Was that AJ?

“Nick I thought I saw you run in here.”

I popped my head up from behind the desk. “Get in and close the door before they hear you!”

AJ quickly shut the door and then locked it. “The lock doesn’t work.” I said.

“How do you know?”

“Because I locked the door when we hid in here dumbass!”

“Help me move this bookcase.” Kevin said as he went to a huge cherrywood bookcase and tried to lift it on his own. AJ and I quickly ran over to him and helped push with all our might. We managed to move the bookcase just in time. We heard them approach the door and shake the knob.

“This was not supposed to happen.” AJ said as we all took a few steps back from the door, hoping they wouldn’t be able to push the bookcase down.

They pushed with all their might, making horrible sounds as they did it. “This isn’t working…what do we do Kevin?” I asked now finally beginning to panic.

“Kevin…” I said again, looking around the room for him. “Where the hell is he? I asked AJ who for whatever reason was making a cross out of two pencils.

“What the hell are you doing?” I asked him.

“What does it look like I’m doing?”

“What exactly is that going to do?”

“Hell if I know, but at this point I’m willing to try anything, what have we got to lose?”

“Guys!” We both looked over towards the window where Kevin was standing outside on the ledge, “Come on, I found a way out of here!”

“We are ten stories up Kevin, this isn’t a good plan.” AJ said as he walked over to the window with his stupid pencil cross.

“Do you have any other ideas?” He asked sarcastically, just as the bookshelf began to move slightly.

“No, I’m good.” He said as he walked over to the window and with the aide of Kevin, made his way out onto the ledge.

“Nick, hurry!” He said to me as I started over towards the window. The bookshelf moved again and this time almost tipped over, “hurry!” He said again as he gave me his hand and led me outside.

I can’t even describe what it looked like from where we were standing. We had about ten inches of ledge to work with, but besides that, I was taken by the beauty all around me. Russia is a really gorgeous place what with the domes and the sky and the pigeons pecking at your face. “Fuck! There’s a pigeon pecking at my face!”

I tried shooing it away but the damn thing wouldn’t leave me alone and the next thing I knew I was starting to fall. Kevin held out a hand to me just as I almost went sailing to my death. “Thanks.” I said as the pigeon decided to sit on my shoulder as if I was some kind of Russian Pirate or something.

“Don’t look down guys, there’s another room right here.” Kevin said as we slowly sidled on the ledge to the next window.

“What if they are in there waiting for us?” AJ asked; his back firmly leaning against the palace as we continued to move.

“Maybe you can use your pencil cross to scare them away.” I had to, I mean come on…he made a pencil cross.

“Shut the hell up.” He said just as Kevin popped into the window.

AJ jumped in, followed by me. “I locked the door. Hopefully this time it’ll work.” Kevin said as he rested against the wall for a second, trying to catch his breath.

“Kevin, is that you?”

“AH!” The three of us screamed when we heard Brian’s voice, well before we actually figured out it was Brian.

“What are you doing in here and…what the hell do you have on your face Howie?” I looked over at Howie as he walked out from behind the chair he was hiding behind.

“It’s a beard Kevin.”

“I know it’s a beard, but you didn’t have it when we got here.”

“It grows when I’m nervous.”

“It grows when you’re nervous?” He seemed confused as if THIS was the thing that didn’t make any sense.

“Guys, what are we going to do?” I asked after doing a triple take over at Howie.

“We have to get out of here.” Brian answered. Duh!

“How?”

“I found this. I think this might be all we really need to make a clean break.” He held up a salt and pepper shaker.

“You’re not suggesting that we…” I started.

“Eat them?” Kevin finished.

Brian nodded, “What else is there to do?”

“You think they are cooked already?” I asked.

“Not sure, they did look a little mushy.” He answered.

“If they’re not cooked we’re screwed!” AJ said as he finally put his pencil cross down. On cue, as if they knew the almighty pencil cross was no longer working; they all crashed through the opened window.

“Shit!” I said!

“Damn!” Howie yelled.

“AHH!” AJ exclaimed.

“Jesus help us.” Brian declared

“Who forgot to close the damn window?” Kevin accused.

“Caw!” the pigeon stated.

They all jumped in with their tiny little potato arms and tiny little potato legs. They were all holding tiny little potato guns aimed at us.

“Now what are you going to do?” The leader of the pack said with his sharp but yet non-threatening voice.

“You speak very clear English, well… for a potato.” Eh, why not compliment the guy before eating him?

“Do you have garlic on you? Wow you smell really delicious!” Howie said.

“Surrender to us or die!” The leader said holding his gun up as far as it would go, which was my ankle.

“I have to say you were scarier from farther away.” Kevin said as he grabbed a random potato from the side and popped it in his mouth. “Wow, it is roasted garlic with a hint of rosemary.” He licked his lips and kissed his fingers. “Very good.”

“Retreat!!!” The little potato leader said as he tried to get away.

“Look guys, you can use their little guns like a toothpick to avoid getting your hands all greasy.” AJ said as he popped one of them into his mouth.

“This happens all the time! One day we will win I tell you! Victory will be…” I ate the little leader before he was able to finish. He was very tasty.

I opened my eyes and sat up straight, “What the hell was that all about?” I asked randomly.

AJ who was sleeping next to me opened his eyes, “Huh?”

“Are we almost at the hotel? I’m starving.”

He sat up and shrugged at me. “No clue. I wonder what’s good here.”

“I want potatoes.” I answered.

“Nick, you’re so weird.”

“At least I don’t make crosses out of pencils.”

He looked over at me baffled, “Whatever dude.” He said before closing his eyes and going back to sleep.