Summary: They met, fell in love and were meant to spend the rest of their lives together but fate got in the way. She was left to pick up the pieces.
That was her past.
Her son was her present.
Could he possibly be her future?
Categories: Fanfiction > Backstreet Boys
Characters: Kevin, Nick
Genres: Angst, Drama, Romance
Warnings: Death
Challenges: Series: None
Chapters: 7
Completed: No
Word count: 23848
Read: 14552
Published: 07/14/08
Updated: 03/20/09
1. PAST by Tantilisinteaser
2. Long overdue meeting by Tantilisinteaser
3. Welcome home you... by Tantilisinteaser
4. Conversations lead to revelations by Tantilisinteaser
5. Birthday boy by Tantilisinteaser
6. Loss of Faith by Tantilisinteaser
7. All My Bags Are Packed by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
The Richardson's attend a funeral
Kevin watched as his Mother solemnly walked down the stairs clutching the chubby ten month old in her arms and as she reached the last step, her heels clacking on the wooden floor, he let out a sigh. If she hadn’t been able to make her see sense he didn’t know who could.
“I guess you’re up,” Kristin softly said to him as she reassuringly patted his shoulder.
“I doubt she’ll listen so me,” he said dejectedly looking down to her.
She offered a small smile before saying, “You’re her big brother, she’ll listen to you.”
“Tim and Jerry have already tried, what makes me any different?” He asked sceptically.
“Because she has always listened to you Kevin,” his mother told him as she neared the pair.
He sighed again before smiling when the chubby baby in his mothers arms began to babble. That smile faded when his Mother cleared her throat, a sign that she was getting impatient with him putting off the inevitable and he looked to the stairs knowing that he had one hell of a task in front of him.
***
She looked out the window but the vision was blurry, she couldn’t make much out about from the outlines of things but she knew what was there anyway, could paint the scenery with a blind fold, she had looked so many times. The view wasn’t spectacular, in fact it was pretty ordinary, you could see the other houses on the opposite side of the street, see the kids playing on their bikes, but the ground wasn’t level, the whole street was on a slight tilt and she had the best advantage. She could see quite easily over the roofs of the other homes and in the distance, well that was what made it so special. The river ran down and away, through the lushness of the green fields, along into the distance and disappeared somewhere along the horizon, on a clear day it seemed to sparkle.
It reminded her of where she grew up, something she had clung to when she had first moved here and had been so far from the family she adored. This was where she usually found her calm, where she could release the stress that had been building up from everyday life, where she could forget about the outside world for a minute and remember the things that were important to her.
It wasn’t working today.
Maybe it never would again.
She heard his heavy footsteps on the hard wood flooring of the stairs, they sounded so alike someone else’s and she wanted nothing more then for him to stick his head around the door, to smile at her and tell her that it had been some awful mistake and that he was fine, that he was alive but she knew that her wishes would not be granted. No this wasn’t the movies, a fairy godmother would not pop up and wave her magic wand, this was real life and real life was cruel.
She heard the footsteps come to a stop outside the door, he was hesitating but eventually he would either knock or just waltz in but she was determined that he was not going to change her mind, she was not going to cave.
The expected knock occurred a few seconds later but he didn’t wait for her to answer instead he slowly opened the door, the hinges squeaked waiting in vain for the man of the house to apply some WD40. She didn’t turn to face him, didn’t even acknowledge he was in the room but she could see out of the corner of her eye that he had taken a seat on her bed, and that’s how they stayed for a few minutes, her staring out the window, his eyes boring into her back. It was a game of wills, who would cave and who would hold out the longest, it had been the same ever since they were kids they were both as stubborn as each other.
He caved first.
“You win,” he said softly.
“What?” she asked but he knew what he was referring to.
“This thing we do, who’s going to cave first? Well… you win but only because I’m on a clock here,” he told her.
“Just go Kev,” she softly told him.
“I’m not going anywhere without you,” he simply stated. “If you stay I’m staying.”
“What if I don’t want you to?” She asked still staring out the window, her gaze drifting to the people in black, solemnly making their way towards the row of cars parked out the front.
“Tough. Look I can’t force you to go nobody can, but I think you will end up regretting it if you don’t. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next month but you will regret it Caitlyn,” he warned.
She knew he was right, she was already regretting her decision but she couldn’t do it, she couldn’t bring herself to, it was just too final. They were meant to be together forever, meant to have a large family, watch it grow, have lots of grandbabies and get old together but at the ripe old age of just 24 she was left to raise a ten month old alone.
“I just can’t Kev,” she whispered wiping the tear that fell away quickly.
“Why?” He asked still not moving from the bed.
“Because it means saying goodbye,” she said not bothering to try and hide the rest of her tears, it was futile now anyway, they had been pouring ever since she received the news.
“He’s gone Caity,” he told her as he pushed himself up and off the bed, making his way to her, “Nothing you do is going to change that,” he said as he wrapped his arms around her shoulder and she turned into his chest and sobbed. He was the same height, the same build and his hugs were great but they weren’t the same, he smelt different, he didn’t hold her as tight he didn’t squeeze her until she thought she would burst. He wasn’t the man she wanted but he would do for now.
“I don’t want him to be gone,” she sobbed.
“I know you don’t Darlin’ but he is and you need to get some closure on this, you need to say goodbye,” he tried to soothe, wrapping his arms around her tightly, placing a kiss to her head.
“I’m so angry Kev,” she sniffed.
“At God?” he questioned releasing his grip when she pulled back from his chest and sat down on the bed.
“At him. He’s dead and I’m angry at him how messed up is that?” she hiccupped as she wiped at her stinging eyes. She knew she looked a state, that her make up would be halfway down her face, that it would be smudged, that the hair would be every which way from how she had been racking her hands through it.
“It’s not wrong to feel that way.”
“I want to yell at him, to scream at him, to hit him for doing this to me, to his son,” she said angrily. “I want to ask him why we weren’t enough, why he had to go. Why weren’t we enough Kevin?”
“It wasn’t about you sweetie. It was his job, he was providing for you guys,” he tried to explain as he leant down to her level. She was quiet for a few minutes, her gaze fixed on the picture of the two of them that was on her nightstand. It had been taken a little over a year ago, she had been heavily pregnant with Cooper and he had been leaving, had been deployed to Iraq and was going to miss the birth of their first child. They had argued about it, but she knew there was nothing he could do to stop it, after all it was his job, and so she had learnt to except it, cherishing the remaining few days she had left with him. The picture had gotten her through the past eleven months it was the last picture she had of him, all she had left to remember him yet things had already started slipping away from her.
“I’ve already forgotten. If I say goodbye today how long will it be till I can’t remember other things, till he slips away from me and I forget who he was altogether?” She asked picking up the picture and trailing a finger over his face.
“What was Dad’s favourite colour? His favourite quote? What did he smell like?” he asked.
“Blue, learn from your mistakes and he smelt like grass and Wrigley’s spearmint gum,” she reeled off.
“You won’t forget him,” he told her.
“It’s not stuff like that though. It’s how big his hands were, his laugh, the way he would look at me when he thought I didn’t notice, I’m starting to forget him so how am I supposed to tell his son about him when I can’t even remember?” She said as she started to cry again.
“You’ll remember the important stuff, the stuff that Coop will want to know about his Father. So are you ready to go?” He asked.
“I’ll never be ready, but you’re right I have to do this…I just…” she hesitated as she put the frame back.
“Just what sweetie?” He asked.
“I just want someone to hold my hand,” she whispered and he didn’t miss a beat, slowly sliding his hands into hers he gave it a small squeeze of support.
***
The day was glorious, the sun shining, the birds singing, her son babbling at the nature that surrounded them but the freshly cut green grass was broken up by bright colours as well as lots of grey and white and instead of being in a park she was sat in a cemetery, burying the love of her life. She could feel the eyes on her, all the looks of sympathy, and she wanted to tell them all to piss off, to leave her alone, she didn’t want them telling her that they were sorry she just wanted him back.
“Let us pray,” The Pastor said and dutifully everyone lowered their heads, everyone but her, she kept her eyes fixed on the coffin that laid just a few feet away. “Dear Father, we bow reverently before you, We know in our deepest thoughts, beneath our doubts and fears, that thou are great. Give us the confidence and the strength and comfort we need in this hour, help us to lean upon you. We lift our hearts in gratitude for the life of James Sullivan our brother now gone from among us; for all that James was to those who loved him, and for everything in James's life that reflected your goodness and love. We thank you for the privilege of knowing him and sharing in his life. Help each one to lean upon you as James did. May almighty God, the Father; the Son; and the Holy Spirit bless you and keep you, now and forever more. Amen.
Trust in God and let Him turn your fears into faith, your sorrows into joy, your doubts into certainties, and your loneliness into divine companionship,” he finished and she knew that the military honours would now begin.
She had been against it, had not wanted anything from the organisation that had killed him, she didn’t want the flag folding, the five gun salute, the playing of taps it just seemed hypocritical but his parents had insisted. After all he came from a long line of soldiers, all his brothers were in the military, his father had been a general, they were extremely patriotic, something that she still hadn’t quite got her head around. How could they still be the way they were when they had had not just one son but two ripped from them? Why hadn’t they learnt last year when they buried their youngest? Jack had only been nineteen, too young to die, hell James was twenty four and that was still to young to die but yet here they were. Again!
She watched as the flag was folded by the five soldiers, each line precise, the ceremony rehearsed to within an inch of its life but she could see nothing but the coffin, the empty coffin what could possibly be in there after being blown up? She could think of nothing but that god awful day two weeks ago when she received the news that she had nightmares about, the news that would change her life forever.
14th May 2004
“I can’t believe how much he’s grown,” Kevin said as he bounced his nephew on his knee.
“He’s like a weed, aren’t you Coop? Mommy’s little weed eating her out of house and home,” she joked pulling a funny face at her son making him giggle at her antics.
“Motherhood suits you,” Kevin complimented looking at her.
“Oh shut up!” she blushed standing up tidying away the few toys that were scattered around the room. “So how long you staying bog bro?” She asked.
“A few days? I have to be in Florida for recording on Monday going to fly out Sunday afternoon,” he told her placing cooper on the floor so he could crawl when he started to get fussy with being confined on his uncles lap.
“Sounds good, you eaten?” She asked heading towards the kitchen.
“No.”
“You want some lunch?” She yelled back to him from the other room.
“Sure. You heard much from James?” He asked following her into the kitchen making sure to keep on eye on his nephew who was playing with a few stuffed toys in the hallway.
“He called last week, said he’s doing good and that hopefully he should be home next month,” she smiled puling various items from the fridge.
“Good, how you doing without him?” He asked leaning against the island in the middle of the spacious kitchen.
“Better then I thought I would but Coop has kept me busy,” she smiled brightly looking out into the hallway spotting her son making his way towards them both. “So how’s the album coming along?” She asked.
“Great, still a long way to go, I don’t think it will be out until next year but Rome wasn’t built in a day,” he shrugged.
“How’s the rest of the guys?” She asked buttering some bread.
“Good, excited about doing this again. It’s like old times. Are you going to ask about Nick?” He smirked raising his eyebrows to her, the dish towel she threw at him narrowly missing his head when he ducked.
“That was a long time ago,” she told him before going back to the task at hand. “How is he?” She added a few seconds later making her brother laugh at her.
“He’s good now, over the whole Paris fiasco I think.”
“Yeah I heard about that. I mean it was kind of difficult to miss,” she said shaking her head slightly.
“Yeah,” he agreed, “I think he’s learnt his lesson.”
“Does…does he…never mind,” she turned away quickly adding the cheese to the bread.
“Yes he asks about you. You still like him don’t you?” He asked curiously.
“I’m a married women Kevin, happily married and it was six years ago,” she blushed.
“So? There’s nothing wrong with having feelings for him, you dated for two years, you want me to get that?” he asked when the doorbell rang throughout the house.
“Thanks,” she smiled, setting down the knife and wiping her hands on the dish towel before picking up a fussing Cooper. “You thirsty baby?” She asked walking into the hallway to retrieve his sippy cup. When she saw his ashen face she knew, even before she saw the two uniformed men behind him she knew, this was what she had been dreading, what she had been having nightmares about even before he left.
“Cait?” Kevin started softly.
She gripped on to Cooper tighter and shook her head at him as she backed up into the kitchen, “NO! No I want them out, leave just leave, please,” she started as the tears started to fall.
“M’am?” The first man asked.
“NO,GO, GET OUT!” she yelled making the child in her arms jump and start to cry as the harshness of his Mother’s tone. “Kevin make them go,” she sobbed as she leant against the island for support.
“It is with deepest regret and sympathy that I have to inform you-”
The first gun shot rang out and echoed pulling her from one of the worst memories ever and made her jump. Kevin’s hand squeezed hers tighter and she wiped the tears the were falling from her eyes with her free hand before accepting the folded flag that was presented to her. She placed it in her lap and ran her hand across the material, wanting nothing more then to throw it back in the military’s face, she didn’t want some stupid flag, she didn’t want the medals that they presented to her next, she wanted him but they had taken him from her.
***
She couldn’t believe what she had just heard, that he had dare even say those words, a good day to die? A Nobel day and way to die? What did he know about it? She angrily wiped the tears from her face before picking up the medals that were stored underneath her seat. The ceremony had finished ten minutes ago, people had started to drift away, heading towards the wake but she had stayed not wanting to leave just yet, not being able to pull herself away.
She readjusted Cooper on her hip before making her way over to James’s father, handing him the boxed medals, making him stop his mindless waffle, stop justifying his sons death to the other military personal who had attended. He looked at her confused as she began to walk away.
“James would have wanted you to have these, for Cooper to have them,” he called after her, trying to hand them back and she did stop, she tried to bite her tongue, but she couldn’t, he had to know how she felt.
“We don’t want them,” she said clearly, cradling her son closer to her chest.
“It’s a difficult time for all of us,” he told her.
“How dare you?” She snarled. “How dare you stand there and say that? A good day to die?” She repeated, drawing attention to their conversation from the few people who were left behind.
“I was explaining the mind set of war.”
“You could have kept him here,” she said shaking her head at him, fresh tears falling from her already puffy eyes. “You could have saved him but instead you made him want to go back!” she said raising her voice, making Cooper start to fuss.
“Caitlyn,” Tim tried to interject but she didn’t listen she passed Cooper over to him.
“For what? Because there was something nobel in it? Why did you do that? When it would have been just as easy to make him stay for a much better reason, because we loved him,” she shrilly told him shaking her head in disgust.
Donald Sullivan said nothing just looked at her for a few seconds and then to his gradnson, before running his hand through his greying hair. He turned from her and walked over to his wife, not uttering a word and she started to follow him, to hear his explanation but Tim caught her arm, preventing her from her target.
“You’ve said your piece, leave it at that Caity, for today at least,” he told her, wiping th tear that fell from her eye away before wrapping his free arm around her.
“Are you ready to head back to the wake?” He asked after a few minutes.
“I’m not going,” she whispered, pulling away from him.
“Don’t say that, come on,” he tried to convince pulling at her hand.
“I can’t Tim, this was hard enough. I can’t be in a room full of people who are the reason he’s not here, I can’t drink wine and snack on canapés while they all stand there and chat about how great he was, about how noble he was and how it was a privaedlge to die for his country. I’d be a hypocrite,” she sniffed as she plucked the tissue from her bag, dabbing at her eyes.
“Mom, Kris and Tracey have already left with the kids,” he told her.
“You go take Cooper with you, I just want to be here for a while,” she said looking over to the coffin.
“Okay, say goodbye to Mommy Coop,” he said leaning to toddler into her so she could give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Bye baby, I’ll see you soon,” she said even managing a small smile.
She watched as he left with Jerry but she knew that Kevin would stay, even though she hadn’t asked him he knew she wanted him there but he hung back, knowing that she needed her space, knowing that she needed to say goodbye.
She took a deep breath in and released it slowly as she walked towards the shiny coffin with the beautiful arrangement of lily’s now sitting atop it, the picture of him in his uniform sat off to the side. Just another reminder of what he had died for. She trailed her hand along to smoothness of the wood, took one of the Lily’s from the arrangement and bought it to her face running the petal down her cheek. The pain in her heart seemed almost to much to bear, it was suffocating and with every breath she took the pain just seemed to increase.
She had lost him, he was never, ever coming back. Her soul mate was gone his mistake, his career mis-choice, well it had cost him but she was the one who had to suffer the consequences too, and it wasn’t only her, Cooper had to grow up without a Father. He wouldn’t even have any picture of him and his father together, how would she explain that? She wouldn’t even be able to describe James’s face when she told him he had a son, she had told him over the phone, a hasty two minute crackly phone call. This was not the way things were supposed to be, he was supposed to be here with them, he was supposed to help her raise him, to teach him how to ride a bike, to drive a car, talk to him about girls, show him how to build things. How could she do all that? How could she be both parents? How could she love him enough for both of them?
It just wasn’t fair. She knew what it was like to loose a Father, after all her own Dad had died when she was just ten and that had been hard enough. Sure she had three great older brothers who had looked out for her, hell Jerry had acted as a Father when she had been an awful rebellious teenager but it wasn’t the same and at least she had the memories of her Dad. She closed her eyes when she felt the cool breeze flow through the trees, blowing her hair back behind her shoulders.
“Is this something I’ll never get over?” She asked Kevin knowing that he was near when she heard the twigs crack under his feet.
“No this is something that you find a place to put,” he told her, “you let it make you stronger, then you go on living your life because that’s all you can do,” he said taking her hand, “that’s the way he would have wanted it.”
She placed a kiss to her finger tips before placing it on the coffin and then she made herself walk away, stealing one glance back she wondered what her future held.
End Notes:
Let me know what you think!
Long overdue meeting by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
Caitlyn makes a difficult choice and an old friend reappears
The day was polar opposite to what it had been a year ago. It was unusually cold for the first week of June, so much so that she had a light sweater on but it was hidden underneath the waterproof jacket she had been forced to wear because of the pounding rain that refused to stop falling. The wind whipped around the car making it rock every so often and she even made out the faint rumbling of thunder in the distance. The greyness of the sky matched her dark mood but she dutifully started the ignition after one last check that her son was safely buckled into the seat behind her.
It was probably the worst weather to be doing what she had planned and on any other occasion she would have blown it off, nothing was worth risking a cold for, hell with the weather being like this she would more then likely end up with pneumonia. This was something she had to do though, as much as she didn’t want to and as difficult as it might be she had to do it.
The car was by no means quiet. Children’s nursery rhymes poured from the speakers, Coopers excited babble could be heard from the backseat, the swishing of the wipers removing the excess water of the wind shield ever present but to her she couldn’t have felt more alone, more isolated, more silent. Had it really been a year? A whole year without him? So much had changed.
She had moved from their home not long after he had passed. It had been a difficult decision to make but everywhere she turned she was reminded of him, it wasn’t a bad thing to remember but it was getting to the point where she would end up crying over a can of soup that she would find at the back of the pantry. The fact that it was a military house, on a military base didn’t help matters either, the military was the reason he was gone something she would never forgive them for. So a mere three months after he had gone, she left the house, moved only ten minutes away to a smaller ground floor apartment, with it just being the two of them it was all they really needed. Cooper had his own room, there was a garden for the swing set James had eagerly bought before his son was even born and it was close to the local park.
She thought that it would have been enough, that the move, the change of scenery would have helped her to move on but she had been wrong. She was a military wife…no actually she was a military widow. She had moved here because of him, because it was where he had been based, her only friends were also military wives. They had shared close bonds, had welcomed her when she had first moved, helped her to decorate the house, invited her to bar-b-q’s, been there for her when he had first been deployed. Cooper had played with other military children, they had been there to support her through the hardest time in her life, but now there was a striking difference, a difference that had caused that bond to stretch and eventually tare.
She was a widow, they were still wives.
At first it hadn’t been a problem, they had been there for her, rallied round when her Mom had eventually left to go back home three weeks after the funeral. She actually couldn’t remember cooking for the first two weeks, meals were either bought to her or she was invited to someone’s house. People offered to watch Coop so she could go shopping in peace, do the housework without worrying about him, or just catch a nap. They had been there as ears to listen, shoulders to cry on, the trouble came when her anger towards the institution that had effectively killed her husband did not disappear or even fade.
She was still angry and extremely bitter. What had he even been fighting for? Did he even know what had cost him his life? Because many people didn’t, people like her did not see the point of fighting for something that you did not understand, being sent to die for war based on evidence that was flawed. She had voiced her opinions, had had vicious rages and arguments with other wives when they tried to justify the war to her, told her that she of all people should be supporting the boys who were still out there otherwise James would have died in vain. She had seen red, had blown up at the women who had pointed that out to her, had burnt bridges with the other wives who tried to intervene and it wasn’t long before contact stopped and she found herself alone.
So last month she had called her mother, asked her to clear out the spare room, she was going home, at least for a while. There was nothing left in North Carolina for her now except bad memories and if she was ever going to get past this she needed to move on completely, start again.
There was just one thing she had to do first.
***
The ground was soggy, her feet had slid along the mud as she made her way carefully through the grey pieces of stone and slowly came to a stop when she reached her destination. The rain had all but stopped, the splashes hitting her shoulder occasionally falling from the tress above but the sky was still grey and it threatened to start pouring again at any minute.
She just stood and stared for a few minutes, the grey slab looked so…cold and uninviting, and she closed her eyes when she felt the moisture start to build up. She set Cooper down to the ground, thankful that she had the inclination to put his welly boots and waterproof’s on before they left. She then knelt down in front of the stone, removed some of the old flowers, pulled up some weeds that had begun to grow and placed down a new bouquet of Roses. She lightly traced his engraved name before a few sobs managed to escape her lips causing Cooper to look at her questioningly.
“Mama?”
“It’s okay baby, c’mere,” she said opening her arms out to him and he stumbled into them before she hoisted him from the ground and held him close. She had questioned what she was about to do so many times, had weighed up the pros and cons, wondered how Coop would feel about her decision when he was older but when it came down to it, she knew she couldn’t stay. “I love you James and I hope you won’t hate me for leaving but I need to move on and I can’t do that here. Coop’s here, he’s getting so big now, he took his first steps three days ago and I…I would have given anything for you to see it,” she sniffed closing her eyes in a vain attempt to stop the tears.
“I promise that when he’s old enough I’ll tell him all about you, I just hope you understand how difficult this is,” she said trailing her free hand along the top of the stone. “I wish there was a sign so I would know,” she whispered.
Whether it was a sign or a coincidence she couldn’t be sure, but as soon as the last syllable left her mouth the heavens opened, the rain poured and she knew she had to leave. It was almost as if he made it happen so she couldn’t stay, so she couldn’t change her mind, wouldn’t be able to sit here for hours like she would usually do.
With a sigh and a heavy heart she placed a kiss to her finger tips and then held it to the stone muttering, “I love you, I’ll never forget.”
The rain started pouring heavier, Cooper started crying and so she made herself walk back towards the car, hoping that this would give her the closure that she needed, hoping that she would be able to move on.
***
She pulled back into the parking complex of her apartment building and noticed the black Toyota four runner parked up in her allocated spot, as usual he was early.
“Looks like Uncle Kevy is here Coop,” she smiled, looking into the backseat of her car, laughing slightly when she realised her boy was sleeping soundly, not that she was the least bit surprised, it had always settled him. Hell when he had been a few weeks old and fussy during the middle of the night she would bundle him up, and drive around town, her gas bills had been huge and yeah it had made her carbon footprint bigger but at that time all she cared about was catching a few z’ss.
She unbuckled her belt and let herself out of the car, carefully shutting the door so that the noise wouldn’t wake the sleeping child, before she headed over to the parked car. She had to laugh again when she saw her brother in exactly the same position as Cooper, head resting back, arms crossed, eyes closed, mouth open slightly. She watched him sleep peacefully for a few seconds before the urge finally won over and she banged on the door, suddenly and loudly. It startled the hell out of him, caused him to sit bolt up right and hit his head against the sun visor that was down.
“Jesus Christ!” He yelled rubbing his head.
“Nope just me Kev,” she joked when she managed to stop laughing.
He mumbled some response that she couldn’t quite here before opening the door so he could get out, still rubbing his sore head.
“There are nicer ways to wake people up you know,” he told her as he wrapped his strong arms around her, holding her in a hug that she so desperately needed.
She returned the hug, circling her arms around his waist, squeezing him before answering, “When have you ever woken me up nicely?”
“Touché. How you doin’ sis?” he asked pulling away from her, leaning against the car looking at her intently.
“I’m good,” she lied not really knowing why, there was no way he was going to by it, hell she didn’t even smile when she said it, her voice was way too high pitched and she knew that her nostrils had flared, a dead give away that she was lying.
“Yeah right, want to try again?” he asked sceptically.
“I’m…it still hurts but I’m dealing with it better,” she told him truthfully.
“You want to go out and see him before we go?” He asked.
“I’ve just been actually, I kind of needed to go by myself, well with Coop obviously but…” she trailed off knowing that she didn’t need to explain, that he would understand just like he always had.
“You needed to tell him why?” He asked knowingly and she nodded her head, not really knowing why she started crying. She let him pull her into a hug again, not caring when he tears started to soak his shirt. “It’s okay to feel like this you know, he’d understand.”
“I know but I still feel like this is wrong, like I’m expecting him to walk through the door at any second and I keep thinking what if he does and I’m not here?” She asked pulling away from him, wiping at her eyes.
“No matter how badly you want that to happen Caity it’s not going to and you need to move on and that’s what you’re doing,” he rationalised, making her feel more confident about her decision.
“I know that, thanks for coming,” she said wrapping her arms around his neck, standing on her tip toes so she could give him a hug.
“You don’t have to thank me,” he said squeezing her back.
“Can I ask you a question?” She asked still hugging him.
“Shoot.”
“Why are there cheetos in your car? You hate them,” she said confused as she started to pull away from their hug.
“Yeah about that-” but he didn’t get to finish due to Cooper’s crying.
“Hold that thought,” she said as she started to make her way back to her car, picking up the pace when the crying grew louder, shriller and her mother’s intuition kicked in. It wasn’t a normal cry, like a “I’m hungry feed me,” or “I’m tired,” no it was a panicked cry and when she came to the other side of the car she could see why. The door she had shut quietly was wide open and she could make out someone sneakers at the bottom, his back curled over, the screaming from inside the car getting worse as he tried to “shhh” the panicked child.
Her adrenaline kicked in, her heart began to pound and she quickly ran the rest of the short distance to the car. She yanked the guy back, startling him, making him smack his head absent the roof of the car, he cried out in pain, moving to the side quickly.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing? How dare you try and-” she screeched stopping suddenly when he straightened up and she saw his face for the first time. She felt the blush creep into her face and spread down her neck as she just stared at him for a few seconds.
“Nice to see you too C,” he mumbled as he rubbed his sore head.
“Nick?”
***
“Nick?” She asked a bit shell shocked and he just smiled still rubbing his sore head.
“In the flesh, I take it Kevin didn’t tell you I was coming?” He asked shooting daggers to the other man who had made his way round to see what the commotion was.
“I was just about to before you woke Coop up. Kids get scared of strangers Nick,” he said sarcastically. He had been in a shitty mood the whole trip, complaining about the music Nick choose to listen to, moaning when he broke out the cheetos, telling him to put his shoes back on because his feet stank. It was like he could do nothing right and he hadn’t even wanted to come on this stupid trip anyway but as usual Kevin had dragged him along, the excuse being that he wanted some time alone with Nick, a chance to do some talking about the whole Paris thing. It was all a huge lie, Kevin just didn’t trust Nick to be alone on this down time before the tour. It was like dating Paris Hilton had lost him all his grown up points where Kevin was concerned and now he was back at the starting line, he had to earn everything back again and until then he was being treated with kid gloves. It sucked majorly but the others had thought it was a good idea and so here he was being firstly accused of trying to steal her baby and then of waking him up!
“He was already awake and crying, I wasn’t the one who left him in the car,” he retaliated snidely, looking to Caitlyn as she unbuckled the child from the seat and pulled him, attempting to soothe him.
“Don’t you accuse her of being a bad Mother,” Kevin shot back.
“I never said that!” He yelled back.
“BOYS!” She said pushing in between the pair. “Am I going to have to send you to opposite ends of the parking lot?” She threatened.
“No,” Nick replied.
“Good,” she smiled.
She hadn’t changed a bit he thought to himself. Her hair was still the same chestnut colour, a little shorter then what it had been but it framed her face well. There was no mistaking that she was a Richardson, her face wasn’t a chiselled as Kevin and Tim’s, and thank god, she didn’t have the eyebrows, but she had the greeny grey eyes and the tanned complexion. That was where the comparison ended though because personality wise she was nothing like Kevin.
She was more relaxed, less of a perfectionist, liked to fool around, loved laughing. Apparently these traits were similar to her Father, he had heard, on more then once occasion that she had Jerald’s personality down to a T, whereas Kevin was a lot more like his Mother, things had to be just so.
“I’m so sorry Nick,” she giggled after she managed to calm down the child in her arms. It was strange to think that she was a mother now, that in her arms that child was actually hers, it blew his mind.
“Don’t worry about it,” he grumbled rubbing his head again for good measure.
“It’s his own fault,” Kevin remarked but shut up when she shot him a look.
“Here’s you water wise one,” Nick sarcastically called to him as he angrily tossed the bottle to him, Kevin only just making the catch.
“I mean it boys, I will separate you,” she threatened again but he knew she was joking.
“Why do you have more cheetos? There’s still some in the car, you said you were going for drinks,” Kevin asked him, clearly frustrated as his food choice.
“Yeah like five left, that’s going to last the rest of the trip back.”
“Are you all packed up?” Kevin asked ignoring Nick and she nodded, “Well lets get this truck loaded then,” he suggested.
An hour later the only space left in the cars was for the four passengers, the cases and boxes were piled high, and he slammed the trunk shut, surprised when he found he was the only one in the parking garage. He shook his head in agitation and made his way over to the stairs that led back up to her apartment, letting himself in as the door was on the catch.
The apartment was empty, say for a few items of furniture that apparently weren’t coming with them, she had struck a deal with the next occupants of the apartment, it meant less shopping for them and an easier move for her, that was what she had said anyway. He took a look around the living room but there was no one there, the kitchen was empty as well as the bathroom, that only left the bedrooms.
He stumbled into what he presumed was Coopers room if the décor of Noah’s ark was anything to go by but again the room was silent and still, that only left one other possibility. He made his way across the hall and was about to knock when he heard her tears. He hesitated knowing that if he walked in he would receive the death glare from Kevin, probably a harsh talking to about being inconsiderate later on. Then again if Kevin was in there why wasn’t he saying anything? It was unusual for him to be quiet at times like these, he would usually say something, even if it was the biggest load of shit ever, he always said something. That meant that she was in there alone. All and alone and quite clearly upset.
That was even worse then walking in if Kevin was there. He had no idea what to say to her, no idea what she was feeling, he had never been very good when girls were upset, and this was something huge. No he was better to stay away, to let her grieve in peace and in private, Kevin would be back soon anyway, he’d know what to do.
He was just about to turn and leave when the door opened and she stood before him, her eyes red, puffy and still streaming. He didn’t know what to say or do but she made the decision for him, wrapping her arms around his waist, burying her head into his neck, crying openly. It took him a few seconds but with a bit of hesitation he wrapped his arms around her and just let her cry, purely because he could think of nothing else to say.
It took her a good five minutes but eventually she calmed down, pulling back from him so she could rub the tears from her eyes. She looked at him shyly, rubbing his shirt when she realised that wet mark was because of her tears.
“Sorry,” she sniffed.
“Don’t be. I uh…sorry about… I mean he…he sounded like a nice guy, I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly
“Why are you sorry? You didn’t blow him up,” she answered bitterly.
The mood changed quickly and he had never felt so uncomfortable in his life. What could he say after something like that? His body language must have given him away, perhaps it was the way he focused on his feet, how he rung his hands out but she sighed.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean…you were only being nice,” she apologised.
“You’re sick of hearing it though aren’t you?” He asked knowingly.
“Kind of. It’s not going to bring him back,” she shrugged as she made her way into the living room. “Sorry I’m kind of stuck in a Debbie Downer mood, for like the past year,” she tried to explain plopping down on the window seat and looking out.
His first impression that nothing about her had changed had been misconstrued, and he realised that she was completely different, she wasn’t the carefree girl he once knew she was a women now, a mother and a widow. She was his age, twenty five, too young to have to look on her face that was there now but the world didn’t seem to care about that.
“Well let me try and cheer you up,” he said sitting down next to her and she looked to him expectantly. “We have a what? Nine hour road trip ahead of us, Kevin is going to be there, we have snacks that annoy him already, I’m sure we can find the worlds most annoying music on the radio and failing that I know of a few road trip songs that will make him go insane.”
It worked, well kind of. She was laughing at least but it didn’t reach her eyes and he knew that he had a long task ahead of him.
He knew that he had to help her.
End Notes:
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Welcome home you... by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
Nick tries to comfort Caitlyn
She stood outside on the back porch, looking out at the green expanse before her, now understanding why her Mom had chosen to move here when everyone else had been so against it.
After her Father had passed it was quite obvious that she was not going to be able to continue living at the summer camp, they needed a manager and she was not going to be able to that on her own. The house was also too big, held too many memories for her and so she had decided that a move was in order, a change of scenery was what she needed. Her children had been outraged, how could she possibly want to leave their Father behind, sure she had bad memories of him in that home, memories of his final months but there were some amazing memories there too. She had sat down and spoken to them all, Tim and Jerry had been in support after that but Kevin had taken it hard and decided that if she wasn’t staying he was going back to Florida. Both her Mothers choice and her brothers had angered her, she had already lost her father, how could her Mother take her away from the home that she loved, make her brother leave because of her decision?
Well she understood now.
Yes it was important to remember, but it was also important to move on, to get on with life. You couldn’t do that if everywhere you turned you saw the person who was missing, the person who had been stolen from you. You needed a fresh start, some place where you could make new memories.
That was what she was doing.
She wondered down the wooden stairs and made her way along the stone path, marvelling at the beauty of the wild flowers that had grown, at how sweet the grass smelt, about how much nature was in this small patch of garden before she sat on the bench that she had watch her Father build.
“But why are you building her one? You could but it at the store,” she tried to rationalise in her nine year old brain. Her Father stopped plaining the wood then, he wiped the sweat of his brow and looked to her, signalling for her to come a bit closer.
“Because young Lady, it’s far nicer to create things for someone you love then just buy them. They become more sentimental, have more value to the person who receives them,” he told her.
“Like MaMaw’s fruit bowl? The one Tim made her?” She asked.
“Right, and you know in the future you may even have this bench in your garden, so you can sit on it and read stories to your grandbabies,” he told her.
“But where will you be?” She asked confused, a frown forming on her fresh face.
“Sitting on a rocking chair probably sleeping,” he laughed as he went back to plaining.
If only the last part had been true She thought to herself as she ran the hand in the little divot that Kevin had created when he and Tim had been firing the pellet gun at each other.
“What are you thinking about?” Her Mom asked as she made her way down the garden path, wrapping her arms around herself when the breeze blew threw.
“How you must have felt when Dad died. Did it…did it make it easier to know that it was going to happen? To know how much time you had left with him?” She asked moving over so Ann could also sit down.
“No. I think it made it worse, there were so many things that we wanted to do, so many places we wanted to go and I knew that we weren’t going to have the time. I know that this is going to sound strange but you are luckier then I was,” she said looking out over the pond.
“Luckier?” She asked confused and slightly angry at her Mom’s choice of words.
“I know how much it hurts, I know that right now it’s going to be the last thought on your mind but you’re young Caitlyn, you’re twenty five you have a whole life ahead of you still, a chance to meet someone else.”
“I don’t want anybody else,” she told her quickly.
“Maybe not right now but you might change your mind,” she said putting her hand on her daughters leg.
“You were only forty nine when Dad died, why didn’t you find someone else?” She retaliated. Her Mother chose to ignore her comment and just stayed silent for a while which suited Caitlyn, she really didn’t want to get into this now. She was feeling guilty enough for leaving their home, for leaving him behind, she couldn’t even contemplate moving on with someone else, having some other man help her raise Cooper.
“Nick’s not changed has he?” Anne asked breaking the silence.
“He’ll never change, just be thankful that you didn’t have to put up with him and Kevin bickering like two school children in the car,” she told her rolling her eyes.
“Were they that bad?” She laughed.
“At one point I thought Kevin was either going to throw Nick out of the car and make him walk, or kill him.”
“I don’t think he was that impressed when I said Nick should have the spare room and he take the couch,” she agreed.
“That’s why I came out here. Is Coop okay?” She asked.
“He’s with Kevin, he’s fine. Will and Olivia can’t wait to see him,” Anne told her with a smile at the mention of her other grandchildren.
“Do you think I made the right decision?” She asked looking to her Mom properly for the first time since she came out to join her. Anne was quiet for a few minutes most likely choosing her words carefully.
“It doesn’t matter what I think, isn’t that what you’ve always told me?” She asked with a knowing smile.
“I…you know-” she tried to justify what she had said in the past but luckily Ann cut her off.
“I just want you to be happy again. I know it’s not going to happen over night, you are always going to have a part of you that wonders whether things could have been different, what would have happened if you had stayed in North Carolina. Then again if you had stayed you would have wondered what would have happened if you hadn’t have left. At the end of the day pumpkin I just want you to be happy and if that means coming to live back here that’s fine but if this doesn’t work and you want to move somewhere else that’s fine too. Things happen for a reason Caitlyn I mean I had given up hope of having a daughter when Kevin was born and then nine years later out you popped unexpectedly,” she smiled warmly making Caitlyn chuckle.
“Thanks Mom,” she said wrapping her arms around her.
“You’re welcome baby. Now do we dare go back in to see if poor Nick is still alive?” She joked squeezing back.
“I suppose we should.”
***
She yawned as she padded down the stairs while balancing Cooper on her hip carefully avoiding the questionable glances from the other occupant in the living room. She really wasn’t in the mood to get into an argument now, she was tired and cranky. Cooper had been fussy all night, refusing to settle, probably from the fact that he had slept a lot in the car on the drive up and from the differing surroundings of his new room. She eventually caved, pulled him into the bed with her and even though she was dog tired she couldn’t settle enough to sleep, the thoughts about her decision being the wrong one plaguing her already confused mind.
“You need to hurry up we’re leaving in ten minutes,” Kevin told her, pointing to his watch for emphasis, almost as if the action would hurry her up.
“I’m not going,” she said as she walked into the kitchen, grabbing a banana from the fruit bowl before placing Cooper in the playpen. She walked across to the cupboards smiling a quick “Good Morning,” to Nick who was sat at the table drinking coffee.
“Morning,” he smiled in reply before pushing his chair back so he could settle a now crying Cooper, “What’s wrong little guy?” He asked as he picked him up.
“He’s hungry, breakfast is coming Coop,” she said as she mashed up the banana and placed the bottle of milk into the microwave to warm it up a bit.
“What do you mean you aren’t coming?” Kevin asked when he finally followed her into the kitchen.
She sighed quietly before reiterating, “That I’m not going.”
“Does Mom know?” He asked crossing his arms over his chest.
“She will in a minute,” she said as she made her way back over to the kitchen table where Cooper was now sat on Nick’s lap, laughing at the funny faces he was pulling. She smiled at him before offering the spoon to Cooper so he could eat the mashed banana, his favourite thing for breakfast.
“Cait, come on,” Anne said as she bustled into the kitchen, fixing the clasp of her earring, “Let me do that, you get changed,” she said trying to grab the spoon from her but she pulled it away.
“I’m not going,” she said again, “Open up for the choo choo,” she cooed to Cooper who clapped his hands while opening his mouth as wide as it could go.
“Cait don’t do this now, go and get changed,” she tried again successfully grabbing the spoon out of her hand.
“No I’m not going,” she said again.
“Why?” Ann asked when Cait turned her face back to Cooper. He was looking from his Mother who held the bowl of mashed banana to his grandma who held the spoon but nothing seemed to be going to him and maybe that was the reason for his frustrated cries.
“Because,” she said grabbing the spoon from her Mother, “I don’t want to. I’m not getting in to it now, you guys will be late so go,” she said placing the full spoon into her sons mouth, soothing his crying.
“Well everyone wants to see you,” Ann tried again placing her hand on her hip. That was the problem though, they all wanted to see her to offer their condolences and these were people that she hadn’t seen in a few years, she was so sick of the looks of pity, at the offer of support, of how sadly they looked at Cooper when they realised his Father was gone.
That was one reason anyway, the reason she would offer to her Mom when she kept fishing.
“Ma, I’m tired Cooper didn’t let me sleep much last night and I’m not really up to seeing everyone yet,” she said.
“What about Tim? Can’t you go for him?” Kevin interjected and she wanted to slap him.
“He’ll understand, it’s not like it’s a one time gig he had been a pastor for seven years,” she snidely remarked making his nostrils flare. It was funny how with one trait you could tell what person was thinking. Her nostrils flaring was a dead give away that she was lying, his meant that he was pissed and about to see red.
“That’s not the point,” He said the tone in his voice becoming dangerous.
“Fine if you don’t want to come then don’t, but I expect you there next week. We’ll be back to pick you up about eleven,” Ann intervened.
“Pick me up?” She asked confused.
“Tracey’s doing lunch,” Ann explained as she slipped into her shoes.
“Don’t drive all the way back, I’ll meet you there,” she offered as she walked to the microwave to retrieve the warm milk.
“Okay, you want me to take Coop?” She asked.
“You just want to show him off,” Caitlyn teased handing her the bottle of milk before she kissed her Mom on the cheek before she made her way back upstairs so she could have a bath, not missing the glares that Kevin shot her.
***
He was flicking aimlessly through the TV stations, now realising why he slept in on Sundays, actually who was he trying to kid if he got the chance he would sleep in till noon most days. It was a habit he had picked up whilst he had been with Paris, they would be out partying most nights, crawling into bed just as the first few rays of the sun were about to rise. There they would lull away all morning and some of the afternoon before they would get up shower, maybe have some dinner and then get ready to go back out again, and that had been his life for a just under a year. One hell of a wasted year, he thought to himself bitterly.
When he compared what Caitlyn had done in that same year, well it didn’t compare. She had gotten married, moved to a different state, had a baby, all while he had been partying it up. Then again there was no way he wanted to swap lives with her because all that happiness had been ripped from her, yes he had hurt but not nearly as badly as she had to be.
On the drive up she had been unusually quiet, crying silently for the first hour after they left. She thought the sunglasses had hidden it, that sitting in the back with Cooper, forcing Nick to sit in the front with Kev meant that no one would notice but he had. He caught her wiping her cheek when he looked in the wing mirror. He was going to say something, to try and alert Kevin quietly thinking that maybe he would be able to comfort her better then what he could. He hadn’t gotten the message though, thought that Nick’s mumbling was a way of winding him up, some joke and had threatened to throw him out of the car. He was going to tell him when they stopped for gas but she looked okay then, the tears gone and she had insisted upon driving the next leg of the journey, so he left it alone.
The had made it to Kentucky just in time for dinner and he had been happy when Ann announced that she was serving up the famous Richardson chilli. He had always enjoyed meal times with the Richardson’s and the Littrell’s, it was a time when usually the whole family would come together, talk about their day or what had happened since they had last come together, would reminisce about stuff.
So different from his family.
When the Carter’s got together it was usually utter mayhem, none of his siblings could really cook so they usually ended up eating take out, very rarely at the dinner table either. It usually consisted of them lounging around the TV chowing down on pizza, an argument ensuing half way through. It was a rare occurrence though and he wasn’t sure whether or not he should be thankful for that, his family dynamics were by no means normal but he wanted to be close to them again just without all the drama. He had barely heard from any of his siblings for the past month, then again he hadn’t made much of an effort and he was supposed to be their big brother.
He pulled out his cell phone in an attempt to call one of them up, to see how they were doing but sighed in frustration when he realised that the battery had died. With one glance back at the TV he realised that there was still going to be nothing on of any interest and he made himself walk up the stairs to retrieve his charger from the spare room where he was currently staying.
With it in hand he made his way back along the hallway and was just about to descend down the staircase when he heard what was unmistakably someone sniffing. Then he heard the sob that obviously escaped and for the second time in a week he felt uncomfortable about being left in the house alone with her. He didn’t know whether to just leave her like he had planned to last time but then again thinking back she seemed better after their chat, after he held her. Maybe that was what she needed, a hug, someone to listen to her. So after a few seconds of hesitation he knocked on the door.
He heard her sudden in take of breath and the water slosh from the bath she was obviously in before she called out, “Who is it?” Of course she had already been upstairs when Kevin and Ann had taken Cooper to church, him staying behind for his own reasons. She obviously thought he had gone with them.
“It’s Nick.”
“Uh…there’s a bathroom down stairs if you need to pee, I’m in the bath,” she said quickly.
“I don’t need to…pee,” he hesitated scrunching up his nose, she didn’t need to know that, “Are you okay?” he asked.
“I’m fine,” she answered a little to quickly.
“I thought I heard crying,” he tried again but got no response. “I’ll be downstairs,” he said before making his way back down.
***
She managed to pull herself together, to stop crying and fifteen minutes after he had knocked on the door she pulled the plug on the bath, watching as the level of water receded before her eyes before she wrapped the towel around her body and made her way across the hall to what was now her room.
She dried herself off all the while thinking about how she could play this off, about whether he would ignore what had happened, ignore that he had over heard her crying. She was hoping that he would, the old Nick had never been very good with emotions, hiding his, ignoring hers, hell that was one of the main reasons why they broke it off, that and the thing that no one else knew about, that no one would ever know about.
Shaking the thoughts of the past from her head she selected the dress from the closet and was just about to put it over her head when she realised it was what she had been wearing when she had received the news about Jack. It was enough to open the flood gates again and she cried bringing the garment up to her face to muffle her sobs. Why hadn’t she just gotten rid of it? Why was she still crying over stuff like this when he had been gone just over a year now? Surely this was supposed to get better, to get easier? That was what people had told her anyway.
Again she managed to pull herself together after a few minutes and threw the dress to the side, selecting instead a pair of faded jeans, a purple tank top and a pair of brown leather flip flops. It would by far be a better choice anyway, what with chasing Coop around and she was in no doubt that her niece and nephew would want her to go on the trampoline with them. She pulled her hair into a ponytail, placed the necklace on and added a light sprinkling of blusher with a hint of mascara before she grabbed her purse and took one last glance in the mirror she headed downstairs.
He was in the living room, his back to her when she made her way down the stairs, he was deep in conversation on his side kick and she made her way in to the kitchen unnoticed smiling when she found what he had done.
He had remembered.
Like Coop she liked fruit for breakfast very rarely ate cereal or toast, opting to add a yoghurt with her choice. Laid out on the counter was a plate and there was a peeled banana, a few strawberries, some melon and grapes his artistic side coming out as it was laid out in the shape of a smiley face. The yoghurt and cup of black coffee standing next to it all.
She jumped when she heard his voice, “I haven’t put the sugar in, didn’t know whether that was how you still took it.”
“Yeah I do, I can’t believe you remembered this,” she chuckled turning to face him.
“Why would I forget?” he shrugged with a smile.
“It was a long time ago, you eaten?” she asked as she carried it all over to the table.
“Yeah. Are you-”
“Please don’t say okay,” she interjected as he sat on the chair opposite her.
“-looking forward to seeing Tim?” He said changing his sentence as the last minute making her laugh.
“Yeah. How come you didn’t go with them? Kevin ask you to stay here and keep an eye on me?” She said with a roll of her eyes as she tucked into the strawberries.
“He’s only looking out for you but no he didn’t ask me to, you know me and church,” he shrugged taking a sip of his own coffee.
“You used to go though, you used to moan like hell but you’d still go, what changed?” She asked curiously eyeing him.
“Why aren’t you there?” he countered with a rise of his eyebrow.
“You heard me earlier I’m just not ready to see everybody,” she lied trying her hardest not to let her nostrils flare but it was too late he had seen.
“Liar, liar pants on fire. You feel like you’d be a hypocrite don’t you?” He asked her.
“How do you know me so well Nick?” She asked resting her head on her arm.
“Because it’s how I feel. I can’t go in there and pray and be all rejoicey when I’m mad at him, when days go by that I question his existence,” he explained.
“Why have you lost your faith?” She asked. She knew she didn’t have to explain to him why she had lost hers, it was obvious enough for anyone to see, hell she knew that both Kevin and her Mom hadn’t really bought her story earlier but she would have to deal with that next week.
“Long, long story, I wouldn’t want to bore you,” he told her, stealing a piece of apple from her plate.
“Hey you said you’d eaten,” she said pretending to jab at him with her fork, “and you wouldn’t bore me.”
“Maybe another time, I want to know why you were crying first,” he said making her sigh and look away from him. “Come on C talk to me.”
“My husband died Nick what more is there to say?” She said looking at him again, begging the tears not to fall again.
“A whole lot more,” he prompted but she stood firm and went back to eating her fruit. “Look if you ever want someone to talk to you can call me, I’ll probably be useless on the advice front but I have to two fully functional ears,” he said with a smile making her laugh again.
“I think Kevin would have something to say about that last part,” she snickered.
“He just has no taste in music,” he responded stealing yet another piece of apple.
“HEY!” she whined.
“Uh uh, I’m only helping to hurry you up, we’re already going to be late,” he said pointing at the clock.
Conversations lead to revelations by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
Caitlyn realises that Nick is just as lost as she is
She was lost in her own little perfect world again, thinking about how he should have been there, how maybe he was inside with Tim helping to do the dishes, how all three of them had come to Kentucky on vacation to see her family. When her brother made his way over to her she was soon snapped back to cold harsh reality, he was gone and she was not on vacation, she was living here again.
“We missed you this morning,” he said, handing her the cup of coffee in his had before sitting next to her.
“I was exhausted from the journey and Coop wouldn’t settle last night,” she tried to explain.
“I wasn’t telling you off, I was just saying you were missed is all,” he laughed at her excuses.
“Sorry,” she smiled back.
“So you ready to live with Mom again?” he asked.
“It’s going to be temporary just until I find my feet again. I love her but there is no way I’m going to be able to live with her for more then a few months,” she joked.
“Well you know we always have room here,” he offered. He had been the first to offer but she knew she just couldn’t do it, she couldn’t live with a Pastor not when she didn’t believe herself. Tim wasn’t one to preach a lot, if you didn’t believe you didn’t believe but she knew he would have a lot to say to her. He would try to convince her that this was all part of some master plan laid out by God, that there was some reason for her heart to feel this heavy and she just didn’t want to hear it, not yet anyway. There would be a time when it would be unavoidable, she wasn’t that naive to think he wouldn’t notice when she never turned up to hear his sermons, hell he had noticed on the first one.
“The sooner I find my own place the better, but thanks for the offer.”
“It will always be there. So what are you going to do now? Are you going to go back to work are you going to stay home with Coop?”
“What is this the Spanish inquisition?” She joked.
“I just want to know what your plans are, so I can maybe help you out,” he said punching her in the arm lightly.
“To be honest Tim, I have no clue, I’m just going to take each day as it comes,” She said turning her head in the direction of her son when she heard his playful squeal of delight. She smiled brightly when she realised Nick was the cause of those squeals, spinning around with him having to stop after a few turns because of feeling dizzy.
“Uh oh I’ve seen that look before,” Tim commented.
“What?” She asked confused turning back to her brother.
“You two were good together, what happened?” he asked.
Too Much she thought to herself. There was way too much history there, too many unpleasant memories, stuff that she swore she would never share with anyone else, especially not a clergy man.
“We were young,” she shrugged.
“He’s not a bad guy you know, he and Jack were quite similar,” he pointed out.
“Don’t do that,” she warned.
“Do what?”
“Compare him to Jack. Tell me that it’s okay for me to move on, he’s only been gone a year Tim, I’ve already moved away from him, that’s a hard enough change,” she reeled off.
“Woah. Where did that come from? I’m not saying that you need to jump into a relationship now. It’s okay to move on though Cait, to fall in love again, to be with someone else. He would have wanted that,” he tried to tell her but it was the wrong thing at that moment.
“Don’t tell me what he would have wanted, you don’t know anything about it,” she said the volume of her voice rising making the others look to them.
“Caity I-” Tim tried slightly shocked at her outburst but it was too late she had already stalked off to the front of the house.
She didn’t even know why she was crying. He hadn’t said anything hurtful, he had just told her the truth that it was okay to move on, that it would be okay to love again but it wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She didn’t know what she wanted from people anymore, she certainly was sick of the sympathy but she wasn’t quite ready to think about moving on in her life like that.
She wiped the tears from her face but carried on walking away from the house, she couldn’t go back after storming off like that, not now anyway, she just needed some time by herself, time that she hadn’t had since she had been here, time that she was unlikely to get for a while. So she headed in a place where she had always been able to find solace, always been able to forget and she hoped that it would serve the same purpose now.
She smiled when she neared the stable, the smile growing even wider when she realised who was in the first pen. How she had missed him when she had moved, and the last time she had been here she had been too pregnant with Coop to be able to ride him. Now was a different matter, she couldn’t wait to saddle him up, to take him along the same track where Jerry had taught her how to ride. She glanced at her watch and then back to the house in the distance, it was only two in the afternoon, that was plenty of time to take him out, she only needed an hour.
“Hey boy, missed me?” She asked as she stroked down the mussel of the chestnut coloured horse who was more interested in the hay that he was eating. She paid him some more attention for a few minutes before making her way into the stable, finding the saddle room she pulled one down, found a helmet and walked back out, noticing that she had been followed. Then again maybe she hadn’t if the cigarette in his hand was anything to go by.
“Has anyone ever told you that stables and flames aren’t really a good mixture?” She asked making him spin around, trying unsuccessfully to hid the object in his hand.
“I didn’t know you were here,” Nick replied looking uneasy.
“Those things will kill you, you know. And if they don’t Tim and Kev will for smoking out here,” she told him as she placed the saddle over the side of the fence before opening the door to Jacob’s stable so she could walk him out.
“That’s a big horse,” he commented as he continued to smoke.
“Captain Obvious strikes again. Still not a lover of horses?” She asked as she began to saddle up Jacob.
“When you get almost trampled by one you tend to be a bit wary after,” he added.
“I did warn you about going behind him,” she said through a smile.
“Whatever,” he mumbled stubbing out the cigarette against the fence panel, dropping the stub to the floor.
“You might want to pick that up,” she warned, “My brothers won’t be impressed if they find it and considering no one else here smokes I’m pretty sure they would come and beat down on your ass.”
“Be a big one considering I told Kev I quit,” He said reaching down to pick up the dog end before placing it in his pocket.
“When did you start?” She asked as she tightened everything in place.
“Does it matter?”
“After Paris?” She questioned and he just stared blankly at her. “What happened there?” She tried, knowing there was no way he was going to open up to her about it. “So looking forward to the tour?” She asked changing the subject.
“Yeah it should be a blast. I mean it’s going to be different for one thing Alex is going to be sober, Brian has Baylee now, but I’m sure its going to be great,” he smiled.
“Howie will still go partying with you,” she suggested knowing that was what he was worried about.
“Are you going to make a few trips out?” he asked wearily making his way closer to Jacob.
“I’m sure I can manage at least one,” she replied placing the helmet on her head, snapping the clasps shut.
“You need a boost?” He offered and she nodded her head, sticking her foot into his cupped hands before launching herself up and over the Arabian Stallion. “Want me to tell them what you’re doing?”
“Would you mind?” She asked as she got comfortable.
“No problem.”
***
She knew that she was going to be in trouble when she got back, especially since they looked like they were saddling up the two horses. She hadn’t meant to be that long but once she started riding she found that it was what she needed, a welcomed respite from her own mind, a time where she didn’t have to think. She just enjoyed the time of being able to take in all of the amazing scenery that Kentucky had to offer, of all the nature that surrounded her, only realising how late it must have gotten when the sun started to descend.
Now the last few rays were just about to disappear beyond the horizon and she was only just making her way back and the closer she got the more she knew that her brothers were pissed. She trotted past them and into slowed Jacob to a stop just outside his stable, all the while avoiding the questionable stares. She jumped off the horse, and led him by the rains into this stable but she knew she wouldn’t get as far as removing the saddle before one of them spoke.
“Where the hell were you?” Kevin angrily asked as he followed her inside, Tim hot on his heels.
“Sorry I lost track of time,” she apologised, continuing to remove the saddle.
“We didn’t know where you were, anything could have happened to you out there. You know better then to not tell someone what trail you were going on,” he continued to rant.
“I said I was sorry alright,” she argued back.
“Alright time out,” Tim interjected like he had always had to. Her and Kevin were both equally hot headed, and stubborn neither willing to back down when they thought they were right, if he hadn’t of been there then it would have gotten pretty ugly pretty quickly.
“Caitlyn you should have told us where you were going, Kev she apologised, can we leave it at that?” He asked.
“Fine,” he agreed.
“Are Mom and Coop still here?” She asked as she shut the stable door, removing her helmet when that was done.
“No she took him home, he was getting tired. I need to catch a lift back with you,” Kevin told her as he began to walk towards the house.
“What’s stuck up his ass?” She grumbled as she helped Tim make sure the stable was secure, that the three horses had enough feed and water for the night.
“First cycle didn’t work,” he said leaving her more confused as he filled one of the feed buckets up.
“Cycle of what?” She asked.
“IVF.”
“No one told me they were trying IVF,” she told him. “Why am I always left out of the loop? I’m not a child anymore.”
“I don’t think he purposely left you out. I just think what with everything that’s happened this year and with the move maybe he thought you had enough of your own problems,” he shrugged not making her feel any better.
“So now I’m too damaged to help out my other family members, great,” she whined.
“I didn’t say that.”
“What? I’m always the last to know. I was the last to know when Tracey got pregnant with Will, I was last to know when Mom thought about moving, I was the last to know that Kristin used to think you were hot,” she reeled off.
“She thinks I’m hot?” He asked with a smirk.
“So maybe I wasn’t the last to know and she USED to think you were hot,” she said as they slowly made their way back up to the house. “I’m not going to break under the strain of knowing all your guys problems you know.”
“Well in that case you care to help me with my fungal toe nail problem?” He asked breaking out into laughter when she scrunched up her nose in disgust.
“That’s disgusting. I didn’t need to know about that,” she said shoving him slightly.
“You said,” he pointed out.
“I know, I know I only have myself to blame,” she told him holding her hands up in surrender.
“Are you okay?” He asked in all seriousness as they reached the porch, Kevin already standing beside the car shooting her a look that probablt meant “get your ass over here I want to go home now!”
“Yeah, sorry for this afternoon. I don’t really know where that came from,” she said as she hugged him goodbye.
“You don’t have to be sorry, just come and talk to me if you need to, my door is always open,” he told her as he gave her a squeeze before pulling back to place a kiss on her cheek.
“Well actually its closed at the moment,” she pointed out.
“Oh Shut up smart ass,” he said giving her a nudge as he rolled his eyes at her literal interpretation of his comment.
“Ohh can Pastor’s say ass?” She teased.
“Yes, we can kick em too,” he threatened.
“Say bye to Tracy and the kids for me? I’ll pop by sometime in the week,” she said as she made her way towards the car that Kevin was now sat in.
“I will, try not to kill each other on the way home kay?”
“Can’t promise anything,” she giggled before opening the door to the car and climbing in.
She put the key in the ignition, pushed in her seat belt and before long they were both making their way towards their Mothers in silence. The radio want even on which was a rare occurrence but she didn’t make a move to switch it on and neither did he, it was driving her insane, if there was one thing they were good at doing it was being stubborn, wanting the other to crack and hell the last time that had happened had been when she was refusing to go to Jack’s burial. He had cracked then maybe it was her turn now.
“You win,” she said lightly as she continued to concentrate on the road ahead of her.
“I knew I would,” he tried to joke but he sounded…well he sounded down, dejected, and the more she thought about it the more she realised how he had been like it since he had picked her and Coop up. That was the reason for his short temper with Nick, why he had flown off the handle at her earlier and she wondered if anyone here apart from Tim knew about the IVF.
“I’m sorry,” she said softly.
“It’s okay, I know you just needed to escape for a bit, just next time tell Nick what trail you’re going on, better yet tell one of us cause he won’t remember.”
“I wasn’t saying sorry for that,” she informed him.
He looked to her confused, wondering what she was twittering on about before asking, “Then what are you sorry for?”
“The IVF. It will happen Kev,” she told him when he looked away.
“Tim tell you?” he scoffed.
“Yeah so what’s with all the secrets? Why didn’t you tell me?” She asked slightly hurt about being kept out of the loop on something so important.
“You’ve got your own problems,” he bluntly told her as he stared out into the darkness.
“Yeah which you have supported me through when you’ve got yours. You know what I’m not going to break from the strain, I know you all think that I will and that I can’t cope with too much sad stuff but I’m a big girl now,” she said a hint of resentment in her voice.
“Caitlyn it’s…” he tried to make an excuse then stopped with a sigh, “…You’re right maybe we are over protective of you. We don’t do it to keep you out of the loop, well not purposely anyway,” he said when he looked over to her questioning face. “You’re our baby sister, no matter how much you hate it the fact that you came along later means that we want to protect you.”
“By later you mean the unplanned shock that Mom gave Dad?” She joked as she pulled into her Mom’s drive and shut off the engine.
“All of us actually,” he nodded before a small smile broke out. “You’ve been through a lot Cait, stuff that you shouldn’t of had to at your age and we couldn’t protect you from that, no matter how much we wanted to. I just think we all see you as this little girl with pigtails who would want to follow us everywhere but you’re not now, you’re this incredibly strong women and we need to kind of catch up I guess. It’s not that I didn’t want you to know, it’s just…well with all what you’ve been through my problems are quite insignificant in comparison,” he explained.
“No there not. I want to be there for you that’s family is about and to be honest worrying about your problems is going to mean me not thinking about my own for a while,” she told him.
“Alright okay. No more secrets,” he told her.
“Promise?” She asked.
“Cross my heart,” he said actioning his words with his hands.
She smiled at him and then leant across wrapping her arms around her big brother in a hug that she knew he needed. “Do you need some cookie dough?” She asked and he pulled away laughing at her strange question.
“What?” he asked.
“Cookie dough, solves all problems no matter how big. Well apart from being depressed about how much weight you gain because of all the cookie dough you’ve eaten but then if you’ve eaten THAT much cookie dough your life probably does suck and so that should be the least of your worries,” she waffled on as they climbed out of the car making him laugh at her.
“You know what you’re worse then Nick when you go off on a tangent,” he told her.
“Hey I heard that,” he shouted indignantly from the porch obviously realising he had given his hiding place away due to the fact that he was unsuccessfully trying to hide the cigarette in his hand.
“You said you quit,” Kevin told him, his good mood instantly gone.
“Give me a break, I already quit junk food for you,” he grumbled before taking an extra long drag no doubt to just piss Kevin off even more, making Caitlyn shake her head at him in warning.
“Boys, boys. Nick it’s bad for you but if you want to pullulate your own lungs then go ahead just don’t expect any sympathy from Kevin when your voice sounds like shit. Kevin he’s a big boy now let him learn by himself,” she said standing in between them, like she had so many times before.
“Whatever,” Kevin said shaking his head in distain as he stalked into the house, closing the door behind him.
“Jesus what the hell is wrong with him,” Nick huffed as he took another drag before sitting on the porch swing. “He’s just constantly been on my case lately.”
“He’s got a lot on his mind,” she tried as she jumped up onto the railing of the porch so she could sit.
“Doesn’t mean he has to take it out on me,” he replied.
“No you’re right but when you do things to piss him off, he’s going to blow, you of all people should know that, especially with the whole smoking leading to cancer thing, what killed our Dad Nick?” She prompted rotating her hands as if she were trying to get the cogs in his brain to work.
“Shit. I didn’t even…It wasn’t lung cancer though,” he pointed out scratching the bottom of his bare foot the cigarette hanging unattractively from his mouth.
She rolled her eyes at his comment before continuing, “Doesn’t matter. Look he’s just looking out for you, he’s always going to look out for you and he is always going to be on your case when he sees stuff that he doesn’t like, it’s just him.”
“Wasn’t there much when I was with evil bitch Barbie.”
“I don’t believe I’ve seen this brand, is it similar to porn star Barbie?” She joked and he even cracked a smile.
“Yep and they are both in the what am I actually famous for range, each slut sold separately but they do come with their very own rat dogs,” he joked back laughing now.
“It’s good that you can joke about it,” she told him and it was then his smile faded. “She hurt you didn’t she?”
“Yeah enough about me,” he said quickly averting his eyes from her as he tried to change the subject.
She knew better then to carry on prying if he didn’t want to talk about something then he wouldn’t, he would either just walk away, or would play to annoying shadow game until you got so pissed off that you walked away. He hadn’t always been like it, when they had first gotten together he had been quite open with her, cried in front of her, shared his secrets, his ambitions, his trust. It was when all the family issues arose that he shut down, built all the walls that she hadn’t been able to break down and then with…no she swore to herself that she wouldn’t keep thinking about it. The what ifs didn’t matter, what had been done was not going to change, it was in the past, she had forgiven him and eventually herself but for them it had been too late. She tried to blame it on how he was so closed off, how he was untrusting and unreliable but she had been to blame just as equally.
She looked across to him, studied his features, he looked the same really, slightly chunkier but it made sense, he was a big comfort eater and with the break up with Paris it was no wonder he had put on a few extra pounds. They would soon fall off with the tour but it wasn’t that she was worried about, his spark, well it seemed to have disappeared. Sure he was still cracking jokes, still pissing Kevin off but he looked kind of lost, his eyes just didn’t have the sparkle that they used to and she wondered when he had lost that.
“You know what you said to me about calling you if I needed to talk?” She asked making him look back to her and nod. “I hope you know the same goes for you too. I know it didn’t work out between us but I still care about you Nick and you know you can talk to me don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he answered unsurely.
“You can, I’ll always listen. I know we kind of drifted apart these past couple of years and maybe I’m to blame-”
He cut her off quickly, “No it wasn’t you. I kind of cut myself off from everybody. You know I was warned by so many people, Kevin even tried,” he said shaking his head at himself.
“He told me. He also told me that it was pointless to keep on at you about it because eventually you would see and he’d be there then.”
“To rag on my ass and never let me forget about it?” he scoffed.
“To help you through it,” she said as she jumped down from the railings so she could walk over and sit beside him, punching his arm playfully when he rolled his eyes at her last comment. “He’s not the ogre you make him out to be. C’mon who was there when she was spreading all that shit about you? Who pulled her aside at a party and told her to “quit messing with little brother,” she imitated trying to drop her voice a few octaves making him laugh at her poor impersonation of her brother.
“He did.”
“You may hate it but you are stuck with him now. He’s not a bad guy to have around you know, yeah he’s a perfectionist, yeah sometimes he doesn’t know when to have a little fun but when it really matters he’s there,” she said.
“Thanks C,” he smiled stubbing out the rest of the cigarette before wrapping her in a hug. She was taken a little by surprise at first but quickly returned the hug.
“I do agree with him on the smoking front though,” she said as they pulled apart making him roll his eyes again. “You stink Nick, more then usual.”
“Hey,” he said smelling his shirt, feigning being hurt by her words.
“It’s true.”
“Whatever.”
“So when are you guys heading back?” She asked.
“Day after tomorrow. First show is in three weeks,” he told her.
“I know it’s the 22nd right?” she asked and he nodded, “It’s Coop’s birthday.”
“Second one?” He asked.
“Yep, my little weed is growing fast.”
“Motherhood suits you,” he told her and she knew that it was time to leave. She couldn’t have this conversation again not when the pain of raising him alone was still to strong.
“You coming in?” She asked, wrapping her arms around her middle to keep the slight chill from the night air at bay.
“In a bit, it’s quite nice just sitting out here,” he told her.
“Listening to a cricket serenade? I’ve done a lot of that this past year,” she agreed.
“Well I cant really do it where I live at the moment.”
“LA?” She asked knowingly.
“Yep. Night C,” He said grabbing her hand as she stood, giving a slight squeeze before letting it go.
“Night Nickers,” she said calling him by the nickname she had bestowed on him so long ago without even realising.
End Notes:
Let me know what you think, so far all your comments have been really positive!
Birthday boy by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
It's Cooper's second birthday
She woke early, so early in fact that the sun was only just creeping up from the crest of the earth. That small amount of light was enough to start the birds in their early morning serenade and she sighed as she pulled the pillow over her head to try and block the sound out. It wasn’t very successful, it was hot and stuffy under there, difficult to breath and she could still hear the cheerful chirps. She rolled over in a vain attempt to shield herself from the light that would be soon pouring through the window and that’s when he noticed the time on the clock.
The bright red neon numbers read 04:37 and she smiled at herself maybe it hadn’t been the birds that had awoken her. The same had happened the year before and as she watched the seven change to an eight she smiled, knowing that two years ago today she had heard Cooper’s shrill cry for the very first time, her baby was now officially two years old, no longer a baby now a toddler at that terrible twos stage.
She pulled herself up from the bed and pushed her feet into her slippers as she quietly made her way across the hall to his room. As always he was splayed out in his bed, one arm behind his head the other resting on his tummy, the pacifier in his mouth moving every now and then. She placed a kiss to her finger tips and gently placed them to his head full of dark hair knowing that today would be so bitter sweet for her just like it had been the past three times on this date. The first year she had been delighted that her baby had made it into the world safe and sound, she had spent the day marvelling at how perfect he was but in the back of her mind she knew that his father should have also been there but instead James was in Iraq, he didn’t even receive the message until a day later as he had been out on exercise. And last year? He had only been gone a month and she had hardly felt like celebrating but she knew she had to, after all Cooper would only have a first birthday once.
She sighed at her thoughts as she made her way downstairs, knowing full well that she wouldn’t get back to sleep now she had to many thoughts running around in her head so the best thing she could do was make sure that there were enough balloons ready for when Cooper woke up. She flicked on the coffee maker and peeled a banana before sitting at the table to read the left over news paper from yesterday.
She didn’t even realise she was crying until the ink on the page became blurred, she swiped at her eyes knowing that it was better to get this over with now, that way at least when Cooper saw her she wouldn’t be a blubbering mess. She didn’t want him to remember all his birthdays in that way, it wasn’t fair, it was supposed to be a happy day, his day, she had the rest of the year to mourn. She remembered last year and how in all the pictures that she had her eyes were red rimmed and puffy, a dead give away of how she had been feeling. Well she had vowed to herself that it wasn’t going to happen again, sure it was okay to get upset but she couldn’t let it take over the entire day.
She wiped at her eyes again for good measure when she heard her Mother’s soft foot steps making their way towards the kitchen.
“Caity?” She asked.
“Did I wake you?” She asked turning to Ann throwing her a small smile.
“No. How come you’re up so early?” She questioned as she poured herself a cup of coffee before making her way to the table to sit opposite her daughter.
“I just did,” she shrugged as she ran her finger tip around the rim of her own cup. “He’s officially two now,” she said with a smile.
Ann mirrored it with her own, “You wake up around that time?” She asked knowingly, making Caitlyn nod. “I used to do that with Jerry, until Tim came along anyway then I enjoyed the small amount of sleep that I got. You had the ritual cry?”
“How did you know?” Caitlyn asked.
“I’m your Mom and you seem to forget I’ve also been what you’ve been through,” she said before taking a sip.
“Does it get easier Mom? Am I always going to feel like this at special times in his life?” She questioned.
“It’s still really fresh Cait, I know it still hurts and I want to tell you that yes it gets easier, that after a while it doesn’t hurt as much but I would be lying. You’re Dad has been gone fourteen years now and on each of your birthdays I still cry, I still think about him, I set aside half an hour to be sad and to wallow in it and then I make myself stop and enjoy the rest of the day. It’s okay to think about him, to think about all the things that he has missed out on in the past year of Cooper’s life but you can’t let it rule you,” she said offering a small smile.
“I know that Mama, that’s why I’m doing this now. I don’t want it to be like last year. I still can’t believe that he’s two it seems like yesterday when I held him for the first time, he was so tiny,” she said smiling at the memory.
“Nine pounds is not tiny,” Ann reminded.
“He’s my chunky boy. I think I’m going to take a bath,” she said as she got up and left the table, heading in the direction of the bathroom.
***
She watched as his face lit up when the she carried in the parcel that had just been delivered from Fed Ex. At first she was confused it was addressed to Cooper but she knew that it couldn’t be from Kevin or Brian as he had already received their gifts. All of James’s family had given him his presents early just before the move so she knew it wouldn’t be from them either.
She shook of the confusion as she sat on the floor in the living room beckoning Cooper over to her so he could tear into the wrapped packet, pulling out a neatly wrapped present the paper covered in The Incredible’s family. As soon as she saw that she knew who it was from and she found herself touched that he remembered. Then again when she thought back to the four days he had spent with them, he was always ready to occupy Cooper, to keep him entertained, even if it just meant sitting and watching his favourite film yet again. Although on some occasions she was sure that he had just put the film on to occupy himself.
She oeed when Cooper finally tore into the paper and pulled out the entire Incredible’s family in beanie toy form knowing that it was definitely from him, smiling when she remembered his own beanie craze when they had been together.
“Wow look at that aren’t you a lucky boy,” she said balling the discarded paper so she could throw it away and grabbed the packet that it came in, noticing the card inside, she pulled it out and began to read his scrawled message.
“Happy second birthday little dude,
Lots of love
Nick
Xxx”
“Who’s that from?” Her Mom asked when she made her way into the living room.
“Nick, I didn’t think he would remember,” she said as she pushed herself up from the floor with a smile.
“He’s a sweet boy, are you almost ready to go?” She asked as she slipped into her shoes and picked up her Grandson.
“Yeah I just need my purse, I’ll meet you in the car,” she said as she headed towards her room to retirve her purse, rummaging around inside it for her cell phone. Finding it she contemplated calling him but they were already slightly late and knowing her she would call at the least opportune time getting him in trouble with Kevin if his phone went because he had forgotten to turn it off.
She quickly typed, Thanks for my presents love Cooper X and hit the send button before she climbed into the car and got so engrossed with listening to the nursery rymes that were playing she didn’t even realsie her cell phone was ringing.
“Is that your phone Cait?” Her Mother asked glancing from the road to her daughters purse.
“Yeah,” she realised as she rummaged around for it, smiling when she saw who was calling.
“Hello?”
“I thought this was Cooper’s phone? I just got a txt from him,” He said making her smile a bit more.
“Oh this is his PA he’s a bit too busy drinking his juice and playing with Elatigirl to answer his calls, can I take a message?” She played along making him laugh slightly.
“Oh he’s on the juice, man is he sure going to regret that when he can’t find the potty later. Did he like them?” He asked her.
“Yeah he did, we literally just got them you didn’t have to do that,” she told him.
“Why not? It’s his birthday, birthdays mean presents did you not know that?” He asked.
“No I must have missed that memo!” she sarcastically added. “How’s the tour going?”
“Yeah good…I mean your brother hasn’t killed me yet but I think Kris has a lot to do with that, I think I owe my life to that women,” he told her in all honesty making Caitlyn really laugh in the car.
“Yeah I think I do too because when we told him about us I think he would have murdered both of us if she hadn’t been there to tell him to chill the fuck out,” she giggled stopping quickly when her Mother shot her a look for swearing.
“Oh man that was too funny, I don’t think I have ever heard Kris yell at him like she did. She misses you, you should come out when she’s here I think she would like that,” he told her.
“Yeah I should, I haven’t seen her in a while. So how is everyone else? The tour as quiet as you thought it would be what with the child and sober one?”
“Actually it’s been good, Me and Howie have reconnected.”
“So you have finally bonded?” She asked.
“I wouldn’t say bonded, well actually I don’t think he would put it that way, he is probably thinking why oh why did I invite Nick out on that second night? He got soooo drunk on shots that he was puking for about two days after and every time we go out now he is always explicit in reminding me not to buy him shots.”
“You still do though don’t you?” She said knowingly.
“Of course, he blames me but he is the one pouring them down his neck it’s not like I point a gun to his head or anything,” he informed her making her laugh at the image that popped into her head.
“Life on the road huh?”
“You know you miss it.”
“Yeah all the early call times, the disgusting sweaty smell of your bus, the arguments at sound check who wouldn’t miss that?” She joked.
“Don’t forget Kevin ragging on your ass, it’s not a tour unless he is doing that,” he reminded.
“Is he still in that mood?” She asked concerned.
“Nah not so much now. He chilled once Kris turned up but she’s leaving day after tomorrow for two weeks so I am planning on staying out of his way. Look I have to go, almost time for sound check. Say Happy Birthday to Coop for me and tell everyone hi.”
“Will do. Thanks again for his presents,” she smiled.
“No problem. Talk to you soon C.”
“Bye,” she said not missing the look her Mother threw her as she hung up, “What?”
“Nothing,” Ann replied quickly indicating left so she could turn down Tim’s street.
“That was not a nothing look, it was the all knowing Mother look.”
“He still likes you,” she said surely as she slowed the car to a stop outside her sons house.
“I should hope so, he is my friend,” Caitlyn tried to play off.
“I’m talking about the other way, I saw the way he was looking at you when he was here, the way he was with Cooper and the way you were with him-”
“What way I was with him?” Caitlyn asked her voice raising by a decibel.
“Just the way you would laugh and joke with him, that chats you would have, sitting on the porch swing hugging,” Ann said knowingly raising her eyebrows.
“You were spying on us?” Caitlyn asked more then pissed off at her Mom’s behaviour, it was such an invasion of privacy, made her feel like she had been back at middle school and her Mom and brothers felt the need to watch from the window. Then again why was she getting to defensive when nothing happened? When the hug had been totally innocent and platonic?
“No I was closing the curtains and saw you.”
“It was nothing just a hug, friends can hug can’t they?”
“I never said you couldn’t, you’re the one who is getting defensive,” she pointed out.
“No I’m not.”
“It’s okay to still have feelings for Him Cait, you two were together for a long time,” her Mom tried.
“Two years isn’t a long time,” she said quickly.
“It’s okay to move on.”
“It wouldn’t be moving on it would be going backwards,” Cait pointed out.
Ann sighed at her daughter before adding, “I don’t know why you two didn’t last, you really suited each other.”
If she only knew the truth but she never could, she would never understand and there was no way in the world that anyone would know the true reason that tore Caitlyn and Nick apart except for the couple themselves.
End Notes:
Thanks for all your reviews, please keep them coming.
Loss of Faith by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
Tim confronts Caitlyn about her lose of faith
She knew as soon as he sat down next to her that this was the talk she had been dreading. He had already tried talking to her at Coop’s birthday a week ago but luckily her son had saved her by being cranky and overtired due to all the excitement and she had managed to make a quick escape. She knew that this time she wouldn’t be so lucky.
Cooper was safely tucked away in bed, sound asleep, their Mother was out for the evening and he had just dropped by because he was in the neighbourhood, neighbourhood my ass she thought to herself when she had opened the door wide enough so he could come in. She knew that her Mother and him had been concocting this for weeks, that this would be his little intervention and so after she handed him the coffee she called him on it.
“Look I know why you’re here so can we cut the small talk and just get straight to it?” She said sitting in the arm chair.
Tim eyed her for a few moments before slowly saying, “Why do you say that?”
“Because I know you, so can we get this out of the way so I can go to bed?”
“Fine,” he sighed, “I want to know why you’ve not been coming to church, why you’ve been avoiding it?” he asked.
“You really need me to answer that? You really need a reason?” She asked.
“Yeah I do,” He answered.
“Fine are you ready to hear them? Because there are quite a few.”
“Tell me,” Tim told her softly placing his coffee on the table.
“He took Dad away, he gave me Cooper and then stole my husband from me, he fucking blew him up with a bomb, he’s taken away Cooper’s chance of ever knowing his Father, of only growing up with me, how am I supposed to love that child enough for the both of us?,” she ranted her breath coming out ragged as hot tears started to fall from her eyes, now a deep shade of green from the anger and upset. “How….how …how am I supposed to get through life by myself?”
She leant her elbows on her knees as she buried her face in her hands and just cried, fighting against her brother when he tried to wrap her in a hug, she didn’t fight for very long though and just sobbed into his chest.
“It’s okay,” He soothed.
“No it’s not,” She sniffed, wiping at her eyes as she pulled away from him.
“You’re angry, it’s okay to be angry.”
“I’m more then angry Tim, how can I…believe in something when all he’s done is cause me so much pain, so much suffering? How can I go to church without being a hypocrite?” She asked him.
“You get passed it, it’s okay to be angry Cait, it’s okay to question his motives but this is just all part of his plan for you, for Cooper and for James,” He unsuccessfully tried and now she was just mad at him.
“What?” She scoffed moving further away from him. “Part of some fucking plan? Is it a plan to make me miserable to not want to be here anymore? Because if it is it’s working goddamned well,” She hissed.
“What do you mean not want to be here anymore?” he asked concerned at her admission.
“Nothing. It doesn’t matter,” she said wrapping her arms around herself.
“No if I think what it means it does matter, you not thought about…were you seriously thinking about leaving Coop here all by himself? About making him an orphan?” He asked becoming mad himself now and what he just said sent chills up her spine.
She had thought about it, came as close to shaking the pills out in her hand but then her little man had crawled into the kitchen and pulled himself up to his feet for the first time, giving her such a toothy, cheeky grin at his accomplishment. She knew she could never leave him, no matter how much pain she felt, no matter how miserable she was, he was her reason for living, he was her reason to get up each day.
“For like two seconds a year ago Tim, it’s not like I’m thinking about sticking my head in the oven everyday, although right now it seems like a pretty good plan if it gets me out of talking to you,” she bit back her voice rising.
“So that’s it, too many horrible things have happened that you’ve just lost all of your beliefs? All of your faith?”
“How are they my beliefs? When was I ever asked what I believed? I was told as a child, we all were from an early age that this was the way it was, that there was a God and that if you were good you would end up in heaven. I was just foolish enough to believe it, even after Dad died. Did you try and preach to Kevin when he stopped going to church after Dad?” She asked.
It was true too and she knew her Brother knew that. They had all been bought up with faith and God playing a major part of their lives, they had been told what to believe, educated in a way to make it seem like the beliefs were their own. Kevin had been the first one to question it, when their Father had died he lost his faith while the rest of the family had clung to it. Now here she was, following in his footsteps, how could she believe with all the shit that happened in the world?
“Yes actually but I’ve learned from him that I can’t force you to believe, you’ll come back when your ready when you need him again and you know what, he’ll be there. I just wanted to talk to you, to find out why you were avoiding church because Mom asked me too,” he told her.
“Well you’ve done that haven’t you? So can you just go now?” She asked.
“No your upset, I’m not leaving you like this,” he said crossing his arms over his chest.
“You are the one that is making me like this, please just leave,” she said pointing to the door.
Tim eyed her for a few moments before walking over to her kissing her on the head and then leaving but before he made it out of the door he turned, “I just want you to be happy, you know where I am if you want to talk.”
***
Tim had left over an hour ago and yet she was still crying, her tears mixing with the water cascading down her body from the shower head. She hated this, she was so sick of the tears, of feeling like she was in some dark abyss that she just couldn’t pull herself out of no matter how hard she tried. Every time she thought she had a grip on things something would knock her back, a dream, the way Cooper looked so much like James with some of his expressions, the looks her family would throw her. She didn’t want their pity, she didn’t want them to tell her they understood, that it was okay to feel the way she was. All she wanted to do was forget.
Yet she felt to guilty to do that. It was like saying he didn’t matter, like she was disrespecting the man she had loved, the man she had a child with and no matter how hard she tried she knew she could never get away with forgetting him, Cooper would always have questions, would always bare such a resemblance to his Father.
She managed to calm herself enough to stop crying and when she started shivering under the warm spray she knew it was time to vacate the shower for somewhere warmer. That warmer place ended up being her bed, the place that had offered so much solace after James had died. In the months after he had died and her Mother had returned home it had been such a struggle to even contemplate getting out of bed and if it hadn’t of been for Cooper she was sure she would have just stayed there forever. She threw the comforter over herself and snuggled into her pillow, willing sleep to come but all she could do was toss and turn when it didn’t, becoming angrier at herself by the second.
She reached out and switched on the bedside lamp, squinting when the light made her eyes sting slightly. She rolled over so that she was flat on her back and looked up to ceiling, she didn’t want to go downstairs, her Mom would be home soon and she couldn’t deal with her questions about the mood she was in, it would only lead to another argument. She turned her head to the side and noticed her book lying haphazardly on the side, reading at night always made her sleepy, hopefully it wouldn’t fail her tonight.
After reading the same paragraph for the tenth time she realised that it was futile, she couldn’t concentrate enough and so she marked her page and threw the book to the night stand groaning when it knocked her cell phone off and onto the floor. She reached down and retrieved it, frowning when she realised there was a text message she hadn’t read, wondering how she hadn’t heard it go off. She quickly pressed a few buttons and read the message, smiling when she realised who it was from and what it said.
Would I look weird if I ripped off my ears?
She laughed out loud as she sent a txt back, Y would you want 2 rip off ur ears?
It didn’t take long for her phone to beep at her again and she eagerly opened the new message up, laughing loudly again when she read what he had written.
That way I would only have 2 look @ the pissed off expression on UR Brothers face, I wouldn’t have 2 listen 2 his moany/ranty voice!
She was just about to reply when her phone beeped again.
Could I get away with ripping out his vocal chords?
Maybe a lobotomy would work? Some weed perhaps? she replied eagerly waiting for him to reply.
Now would the weed be for me or for him?
Both, that way he chills out N u think everything he says is funny! How r u doing neway?
Good. How bout u?
How was she? Could she even answer that question? She just felt constantly numb, lost, like she had no clue where her life was going, she had no direction, no plan, she just seemed to be blindly floating through each day, barely sleeping each night, she just felt drained. She wouldn’t tell him that though.
Yeah same here.
He was quick to reply, U r such a crap liar!
She shook her had and smirked as she replied with, Am I that obvious? She didn’t expect what happened next but she was happy that he decided to call and she answered quickly bringing the phone to her ear, he didn’t even give her the opportunity to say hello.
“You’ve always been a crap liar!” He joked making her laugh.
“Really? Then you’ve always been crap at keeping secrets!” She retailed sitting up a bit more in bed.
“I know that, I tell that to people before they tell me stuff, they’re just stupid if they continue to tell me. So why you lying?” he quizzed.
“Because people are going to start to get sick of me soon. Being depressed isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” she said without thinking.
“C…why haven’t you called me?” he asked concerned.
“Forget I said anything, I just…Tim and I kinda got into a bit of a fight. I’m just feeling a bit sorry for myself is all. I’m fine, really,” she even faked smiled as she said it, rolling her eyes at herself, it’s not like he could see her over the phone.
“You don’t sound fine,” he replied but was slightly drowned out with some background noise.
“Where are you?” she asked fideeling with a strand of her hair.
“A club.”
“I’ll let you go then,” she tried unsuccessfully.
“No we haven’t finished our conversation yet,” he told her sternly.
“You’re busy,” she tried again.
“C it’s a club, now talk to me, tell me what this fight was about.”
She sighed as she settled back against her pillow, pulling her knees up, wrapping her free arm around it as she contemplated what to say. “He wanted to know why I haven’t been going to church…told me everything that’s happened is part of some fucking plan. I’m so angry Nick, how dare he say that to me? How dare he try and tell me that this is okay? That the way my life is now is okay?”
“I don’t know sweetie. You know people…in tough times people tend to do one of two things, cling to their faith or pull away from it. We both know what category we fall in to but Tim, he holds on to his. What?” he asked when she started laughing. “What’s funny?”
“It’s just…you…you sounded really grown up when you said that,” she chuckled.
“Oh thanks Cait,” he whined.
“See right there, that’s the Nick I know. You dishing out advice…well…”
“Kinda weird huh?” He laughed.
“Yeah. I get what you mean though but I just can’t…my family have always clung to their beliefs, when my Dad died…I think my Mom kind of had to hold on to the hope that he was some place better, I can’t do that,” she admitted the last part coming out in a chocked whisper.
“It’s okay you know. You don’t have to believe. Do you want to change the subject?” He asked and she nodded, slightly shocked at what he said next, “I can’t see you nodding Cait.”
“How did you…that was weird. So why is my brother pissing you off?” She asked.
“The usual. Yelling at my ass for the smallest thing that I do wrong.” She could practically seem him roll his eyes and she smiled.
“So it’s because you’ve been late, you’ve been messing around, not paying attention, talking back?” She laughed.
“Yeah all of the above. You have to come and save me because I don’t think it’s going to be to much longer till the Backstreet Boys are a quartet,” He joked.
“As much as I would love to, I can’t,” she sighed.
“Why?” He pried.
“Because I have Coop.”
“Bring him along, He’d love it. Baylee’s here we have like a family bus going on and then a bachelor bus,” he told her.
“A Bachelor bus huh? For you and Alex?”
“Yeah it stinks and it’s messy.”
“And there’s lots of porn isn’t there?” She finished making him giggle. She loved that about him, his laugh was just so infectious and dirty and when he got started on a giggle fit it was so difficult to get him to stop, even Kevin who could be in the middle of a rant would just look at him and then end up laughing himself.
“There might be some. So are you going to come out?” He asked again.
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. PLEASE!!!!! PLEASE!!!! PRETTY PLEASE WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!!! PLEASE!!!!!!” He whined down the phone making her laugh even more.
“I’ll think about it okay?” She conceded.
“You better do. Look I have to go you’re brother is throwing me death glares from inside.”
“Smoking again?” She asked knowingly.
“I don’t see why he has such a problem with it, he doesn’t rag on Alex’s ass as much as he does mine and he’s been smoking forever.”
“Go before he kills you,” she said rolling her eyes.
“I’ll see you soon C,” he said cockily.
“Yeah maybe Carter.”
“BYE!!” he said loudly into the phone as he hung up and left her with the dial tone.
End Notes:
Thanks for the reviews keep them coming!
All My Bags Are Packed by Tantilisinteaser
Author's Notes:
I know it has been a long time since I updated this story but I have new found inspiration and I was kind of stuck on the next chapter of AHTH. So here you go guys!
Caitlyn should have been surprised when two tickets to fly first class to Saratoga Springs arrived by special delivery only two days after her conversation with Nick, but instead she found herself thanking her lucky stars. Any other time she would have deliberated over the decision to tour with a two year old but after the past few days she had just had she had instantly ran up the stairs and began to pack.
If she thought that the intervention about her faith was going to stop at Tim she was sorely mistaken. Her Mother had cornered her the next day after Tim had obviously snitched on her. To say Anne had been mad was a slight understatement, at first she had ranted on about how Tim was only trying to help, about how they were all worried about her and then the guilt trip had started.
“As for you wanting to take your own life - you know how I feel about that Caitlyn. There are so many people out there fighting for their lives, people like your Father and for you to just want to throw yours away because you lost someone…”
“Don’t start Ma,” Caitlyn tried when Anne paused for breath.
“No young lady you are going to listen to what I have to say. Do you not think that I found it difficult to get out of bed after he died? Because there were days when all I wanted to do was stay there and wallow, but did I? No I didn’t because you were my reason to get up, you and your brothers were enough to make me get up out of bed and face the day ahead, just like Coop should be enough for you,” She finished pointing her finger to the playing two year old in the corner of the room.
“He is enough for me!” She hissed back, “Do you think I would honestly be here if he wasn’t? I got as far as holding the god damned pills in my hand but he pulled himself up for the very time. So don’t you dare call me selfish for having a moment of desperation after my husband died!”
“You could have called me, you could have turned to one of your friends, I just don’t understand why you got as far as you did,” Anne replied.
“Called you?!” Caitlyn sarcastically laughed as she shook her head, “What would you have said that would make me feel any better? It was part of some plan? That James was in a better place? That God needed him for something else?” She said snidely.
“Why do you hate him so much?” Anne frowned.
“I can’t hate something that doesn’t exist Ma.”
“He does exist Caitlyn.”
“How can believe in something who is supposed to be this controlling power when there much suffering in this world, when good men like Dad and James are taken and when murders walk the streets? When kids are dying because of famine and disease? When good people like Kev and Kris can’t have a baby? How can you expect me to believe when Cooper didn’t even get a chance to meet his Father?” She asked angrily.
“You used to believe,” Anne pointed out.
“I was a child and I was taught to believe, I didn’t get a say in whether I wanted to go to church, I didn’t get say in whether or not I wanted to be christened. Now I do, you always taught me to follow my heart to speak up for what I believed in but the moment I don’t agree with you or Tim it makes me wrong. I respect that you have your beliefs, I respect that your opinions are different to mine but I don’t go around trying to prove to you that he doesn’t exist, so I wish you would stop trying to prove to me that he does.”
Her Mother had given up after that but she knew it wouldn’t last long. Being in a small town didn’t help either as most of the community went to church on Sundays, making it quite noticeable that one of the Richardson kids was missing. Well technically she wasn’t a Richardson anymore, she was a Sullivan not that it would make much difference because people would still start to talk. That was what was getting to her Mother the most, all the talking about her daughter that would occur the longer she stayed away from church.
She sighed, shaking the thoughts from her head as she picked up the envelope that she had thrown on the bed in her haste to get her case together. She smiled when she realised that Nick had pulled his old trick of sending her a one way flight. She knew that was his way of being able to convince her to stay for longer when she finally decided on a date to leave. It had been the same on the very last tour, in fact she had flown out in it’s third week and hadn’t returned home until the last date. That hadn’t impressed her Mother and as soon as she heard the front door slam shut her heart started to pound in her chest because she knew she would be facing the very same argument again. She continued to pack as she heard her Mother walk up the stairs as she talked to her Grandson.
“Shall we see if she’s in here?” Anne asked Cooper as they both rounded the corner and came into Caitlyn’s eye line. “There she is,” Anne smiled warmly as Cooper let out an excited squeal, holding his arms out to his Mom.
“Hey Weed, you have fun with Will and Olivia?” She asked as she took the squirming toddler from his Grandmother.
“Horsy,” he smiled brightly.
“You ride on the horsy?” She asked laughing as he shook his head excitedly, “Wow get you my big boy.”
“Are you going somewhere?” Anne asked as she eyes the luggage open on the bed.
“Yeah,” She nodded her head in affirmation as she continued to place Coop’s clothes into the smaller of the two cases. “I’m meeting up with the tour in New York.”
“Taking Coop with you?” Anne asked. Caitlyn answered by holding up the t-shirts of his before she placed them in the case. “Do you think that’s wise?” Anne asked.
“He’ll be fine,” She answered, avoiding all eye contact, knowing that was going to be only way to stem this argument before it started.
“He’s only just two, he’s had to deal with a lot of change lately. Kids need stability Caitlyn, especially after the year he’s had,” Anne tried.
“I think getting away for a while would do us both some good, Baylee’s out on the road so they’ll each have a playmate. My minds made up Ma, so you can either drop me to airport or I can catch a cab,” Caitlyn replied.
Anne stared her down for a moment before her shoulders softened, “What time do we need to leave?”
***
When she got off the flight and Cooper was still crying she regretted her decision. He had been fussy ever since they had parted ways with her Mother five hours ago, Caitlyn had hoped that he would sleep on the flight but she had been sorely disappointed, the air pressure had played havoc on his poor little ears and he had spent most of flight in her lap whimpering. She just hoped that most of the travelling on the tour would be on the ground in buses because she didn’t know how she would handle Coop and flying again.
She lifted the heavy two year old up so he was resting higher on her hip as she made her way towards baggage claim and as usual her luggage was last off, making Coop even angrier at having to wait around and by the time she was heading towards the arrivals area of the airport he was near on screaming in temper. She didn’t care about the people turning to see what the cause of all the noise was though, all she was interested in was manoeuvring the luggage trolley whilst keeping a firm grip on her son, if passers by still had their ankles in tact by the end of her journey they would be lucky.
She sighed in both tiredness and elation when the area seemed to open up a bit and she had more room around her, her face curving up into a large smile when she spotted the unmistakable ball cap and sunglasses of a pop star in cog-nito. The ball cap of invisibility was what she called it in the past, not that it really worked, the long shorts and even longer white socks pulled up to his knees a dead give away of who he was.
“I never told you I was definitely coming,” She told him breathlessly when she finally reached him. She hadn’t expected him to meet her, she hadn’t even called him to thank him for his gesture, her plan being to just turn up unexpectedly. Well not unexpectedly, after all he had sent the tickets. So him being here? It was a huge gesture on his part, even bigger then sending the tickets and that’s when she really believed what he had told her back in Kentucky, he was there for her, he was her escape and for that she was so thankful.
“You were never one to give up free tickets. What’s his deal?” He asked nodding his head to a still agitated Cooper.
“He’s hungry,” She sighed as she lifted him again, letting her grip go when Nick took him out of her arms.
“Oh Little Dude, we can’t have that can we? There’s got to be a MacDonald’s around here somewhere,” he said craning his neck and walking off without even a second glance back to her when Cooper began shrieking more hysterically from being separated from his Mom.
She shook her head in disbelief at him before she looked to Q and smiled, “I bet you are thanking your lucky stars that they put you with him again aren’t you?”
“At least he can’t get any worse,” he laughed as he wrapped her in a hug, “It’s good to see you.”
“You too,” she replied back as she pulled away from the embrace, letting Q take the trolley, they both followed in the direction that nick had taken off in and within two minutes they had caught up him as he waited patiently for the order at MacDonald’s. She expected Coop to still be shrieking but was pleasantly surprised to find him giggling as Nick was making Elasta-girl dance along the counter, whilst he happily chomped on fries that Nick had obviously asked for while they waited, the only evidence of Coops grumpy mood were the vanishing red eyes and tears stains down his face.
“You want anything?” Nick asked when he saw them approach.
“Will there be dinner before the show tonight?” She asked and he nodded his head yes, “I can wait till then.”
“That’s one chicken nugget happy meal, and a cinnamon roll up,” The cashier said as she handed the tray to Nick.
“Thanks,” he winked with a smile making the girl behind the counter blush when she realised who he was.
“I thought you were on a diet?” Caitlyn asked eyeing the roll up as she picked up Coop from the counter and followed Nick to a corner booth with Q hot on their heels.
“Don’t you start, I get enough of it from your brother,” He whined as he sat down and passed the box to her.
“I was only kidding, but are we keeping this secret?” She asked, laughing when he nodded in earnest.
“He’ll get really mad, he caught me with a bag of chips the other day, I swear the rant lasted at least three hours, every time he saw me, he’d go on and on about it. Telling me how my body is a temple and that I should treat it like one,” he whined rolling his eyes as he continued to munch on the “contraband” item. “It’s not like I was chugging back on a gallon of ice cream after.”
“It was a family size pack though Nick,” Q reminded and Caitlyn couldn’t help but laugh out loud when Nick’s eyes darkened and he looked at Q with such distain.
“There was only a quarter of the pack left because A.J had eaten the rest but does he get chewed out for eating crap? Of course he doesn’t because he can do no wrong,” he sarcastically added making the conversation dry up quickly. Caitlyn realised it was no longer a joking a matter, that this was a subject that was really bothering him, but it was something that she would have to store away until later because she could sense with Q’s uneasiness that there were fans around and it was only going to be a matter of time before they were surrounded.
“We should go,” He said suddenly as he stood and surveyed the surrounding area.
“Cooper’s not finished,” Nick pointed out.
“He can eat in the car,” Q replied as Caitlyn packed up the box making the toddler begin to cry yet again.
“You can have it in a second Coop,” she told him, smiling once again when Nick pulled him up and placed him on his shoulders making the child squeal with delight.
“C’mon Coop, lets go and surprise Uncle Kevy.”
***
She should have been frustrated, angry even, at his lack of preparation but his face was enough to send her into a fit of giggles. His eyes had narrowed in realisation, his face turning slightly white, the only colour in his face that harsh blush in his cheeks as he let out a quiet “shit” under his breath.
“So plane tickets were as far as you got?” She asked when they reached the reception desk of the hotel.
“Kinda, I mean…you always roomed with me before, I didn’t even think…” he stuttered, the blush travelling down his neck as he squirmed.
“It’s okay,” she giggled as she turned to the receptionist. “Can I have a double room please?” She asked.
“We’re fully booked M’am,” she replied apologetically.
“Not even a single room? A suite?” She asked looking at Nick in way which told him if a suite was the only room available he was going to be paying, after all this was his mistake.
“Completely full until tomorrow,” she smiled apologetically again.
“So when these guys leave, the fans that have booked rooms will leave to?” She questioned knowingly.
“Pretty much. I can have a camp bed or child’s cot added to a room that your party has already booked if that’s any help,” she kindly offered.
“Take my room,” Nick said quickly.
“I’m not taking your room Nick.”
“It’s my fault you don’t have one C. Please just take it, I’ll sleep on the bus or I’ll room with Jay. It’s not a problem,” he told her.
“Are you sure?” She asked.
“Yeah, C’mon I’ll show you where it is,” he said as he began to wheel her cases in the direction of the elevators and she had no choice but to follow.
When they reached the seventh floor and the doors to the elevators pinged open it was like being thrown back five years. Two security flanked the elevator, to ward off any fans who might try their luck at getting on to the floor to meet their idols, she didn’t know these guys though and if she thought Nick was going to make introductions she was wrong, he just walked on past them, hollering quick “Yo’s” and “Wassups” to people as he made his way past their open doors. Caitlyn recognised a lot of people, mainly members of the band but it had been so long and she had changed so much that at first not a lot of them realised it was her, she knew she would always be able to count on one person though.
“I would know that fine southern ass anywhere!” She heard the raspy voice call from behind her.
She turned as quickly as she could with Coop attached to her hip and smiled widely when she saw A.J approach, wrapping her free arm around him when he made his way closer.
“Hey Stranger,” she said as she pecked him on the cheek.
“Who’s this little guy?” He asked smiling at Coop.
“This is Cooper, Cooper are you going to say hi to A.J?” She asked but he clamed up, hiding his face into her neck. “He gets a bit shy.”
“So Nick finally convinced you to come out huh?” He asked.
“He sure did,” she smiled turning back to find Nick had obviously entered his room as he was nowhere to be seen in the hallway.
“Staying in his room too, my, my isn’t this like old times,” Alex joked, wiggling his eyebrows at her.
“No. It’s not like that,” she quickly defended the smile forming into a frown.
“Relax Cait I was kidding but why are you staying in his room?” He asked confused.
“He kind of forgot to book me one,” She laughed.
“So where is he staying?” A.J asked, “Oh shit,” he complained when she smiled hopefully at him. “It’s a good thing you’re pretty!”
End Notes:
Let me know what you think!
Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters and settings are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. No copyright infringement is intended.