The Colors of My World...suck!

“So, where is she?” Howie asked me as sounds of things being thrown were heard coming from the next room.

“In there packing.” I pointed just as something sounding like a glass breaking hit the wall.

“I hate you AJ!!!”

“She sounds mad.” Howie whispered to me.

“No, you think?” And the master of the obvious award goes to…

“You son of a bitch…where did you put my favorite night shirt?”

“Try the dresser,” I yelled into the bedroom, “if you haven’t knocked it over yet.” I said so only Howie could hear me.

“So, are you going tell me what happened?” Howie took a seat on the couch and crossed his legs as if there wasn’t any drama going on in the house at all. I guess he was used to this part of my relationships. I liked to call this stage, “The shit hitting the fan.”

“She thinks I cheated on her.”

“Did you?” I shook my head at him.

“I still can’t find it AJ! Where the hell did you put it? I hope you didn’t give it to that tramp to wear.” Some more things were thrown and a few doors slammed.

“Rose, honey…”

“Shut the hell up! You don’t get to call me honey anymore!”

“Okie dokie.” I looked over at Howie and shrugged. There wasn’t anything more to say really.

“I can’t believe you would do this to me, give some tramp my clothes. Go out and buy your own clothes bitch!”  Despite the horrible fight we were having I couldn’t help but laugh.

“I need to stop dating crazy people.” I said as I took a seat next to my friend.

“You think?” Howie gave me the ‘you are so pathetic’ look.

This one was a real winner. Luckily I wasn’t that attached. I haven’t had time to be attached. We have only been dating for three days. This is all Nick’s fault. I blame him. He came up with the idea after one of our shows and I stupidly went along with it.

“I should have picked Hazel.”

“What?” Howie asked confused as more things were thrown around my bedroom. I’m sure I’m going to have to pay for something to be fixed. Maybe a few door hinges, perhaps a window.

“Hazel, Nick met a girl named Hazel and that’s what started this.”

“You’re losing me.”

“After Hazel I found a nice girl named Amber. We went on five dates.”

“Oh the one with the glass eye?”

“Yeah, her.”

“Then came Ruby.”

“Oh God, I remember her. She was the one that woohooed all the time about everything. Brian nicknamed her the woohoo girl.” I rolled my eyes at the memory. Ruby was nuts but she was nothing compared to Rose.

“AJ!! You are from the devil only someone from the devil would take my favorite…” There was a pause. As if God himself pressed a mute button. Both Howie and I looked at each other not knowing what to do with the sudden quiet.

Then it dawned on me why she was silent, “You found it didn’t you?” I yelled into the room. Knowing that among all the shattered things that were all around her, the shirt she had been going on and on about was most likely in her hands.

“That’s not important.”  She finally answered.

I gave Howie another look and shook my head. I knew I was right. After a few seconds I continued on with my escapades. “While I was with Ruby, Nick met Pinky.”

Finally, Howie had a light bulb moment. “Tell me you guys aren’t randomly dating girls because their names are also colors?”

“It was his idea. He said we needed to find girls who would fit into a Crayola Box. The first one who dated someone without a color for a name would owe the other $1,000.”

Howie put his palm on his face and laughed, “I can’t believe the two of you!”

There was a lot of mumbling going on in the bedroom. I could tell she was talking to herself. Rose did that often, so often in fact that I am almost certain she has some kind of imaginary friend on her shoulder or something.

“That’s why you guys dated those wrestlers… slash… strippers?” Howie asked.

“Ah yes, Skylar Blu and Plumeria.” They were fun.

“I can’t believe the two of you. I shudder at the way you treat women sometimes.”

“Hey, when I date someone, I treat them like gold.”

“Have you found a Golda to date yet?”

“No, but I did have a one night stand with a Goldilocks which we will not go into right at the moment.”

I saw Rose pass the doorway wearing the shirt she accused me of giving to my imaginary other woman. She was holding a duffel bag in her hands which probably belonged to me. She stopped at the doorway just long enough to give me the finger before continuing on her rummaging rant.

“Then there were the Grays. Nick dated the ‘ay’ and I dated the ‘ey’. Shortly after that I found Rose.”

“Nick just broke up with Gray two nights ago.” Howie said as he took a sip of tea.

“Yup, so this brings us to present day and this situation.”

As if on cue, Rose came trotting out of the room with duffel bag in hand. Her mascara running down her tear stained face as she stood in front of us. She was really gorgeous; I could maybe even see myself with her long term, from the neck down. Unfortunately she was Looney Tunes and I am done with crazies!

“So this is it AJ, when I walk out that door I am never coming back!” She said in a cracked voice. I felt bad.

“I never cheated on you. I’m not sure why you think I did.” I admitted. For a while I was just going to let her assume all she wanted but seeing her upset as she was, I felt the need to come clean.

“I wish I could believe that, but there’s too much evidence.”

Howie squirmed. I could tell he wanted to make a quick exit. Why would she bring this stuff up in front of him anyway? “Like what?”

“All the nail polish and beauty products that I found under your bathroom sink for starters. Did you think I wouldn’t look under there?”

“Yeah, because that’s my private property.”

“When you are dating someone you become a part of them AJ! We have the same soul now…a soul you are ripping to shreds and tearing out slowly…you’ve made me soulless AJ…SOULLESS!” Uh…wow! What does one say to that?

“Sorry?”

She shook her head and headed for the front door, “Don’t you worry about me. I’ll be able to continue on someday. It’s you I worry about. You and your den of lies!”

“Those beauty products are all mine.” I said holding up my hands and showing her my painted nails. Howie laughed out loud and then quickly mouthed the word sorry.

“I know you paint your nails but no man would actually have that many cosmetics hidden in their bathroom unless he had a girl on the side.” Okay, well I feel a little girly now.

“I’m just telling you the truth.”

She walked over to me and kissed me softly on the lips, biting my bottom one before she let go. “I guess this is goodbye.” She said as another tear ran down her cheek.

She smiled over at Howie. He put a hand in the air as if he was an Indian saying “How.” Poor guy probably wishes he had never stopped by.

She picked up her bag…correction…MY bag and once again headed for the door. “Rose!” I called to her.

Turning her head so fast she looked like she could have been in one of those shampoo commercials, she said a very hopeful, “Yes?” Her eyes wide to match her smile.

“I need my key back.”

Her face suddenly turned sour as she felt for the key in her pocket and threw it at me. “Eat shit and die!” She growled as she opened the door and slammed it shut, thus ending the Rose chapter in my colorful dating world.

“Well, that went well.” Howie kidded as he took another sip of tea.

“At least I won…” I shrugged at him, grateful that I didn’t have to worry about finding a Burnt Sienna somewhere.

“I can’t believe you gave her a key. You barely knew her! AJ, you are too trusting!”

“Yeah, I know.” I said just about to plop down on the couch next to Howie when the doorbell rang. “Oh Lord, do you think I have to call security?” I asked him.

“Maybe she forgot something in your den of lies.”

“Haha!” I said, rolling my eyes at D and opening the door.

There was Nick and a beautiful brunette standing in front of me. “Hey AJ!” He said, “I wanted to introduce you to my new girlfriend Perry.”

I smiled, knowing that the $1,000 was mine! “Oh? Hi Perry nice to meet you!” I stretched my hand out to her and she grabbed it and shook.

“Yup, her name is Perry Winkle…isn’t that a great name?” He smirked at me.

SHIT!