You guys asked for it and I am going to deliver! This story is currently being planned out but I thought I would post the banner to give you a bit of suspense!

Nick and Shannon have refused to stop talking to me and I have to say they are still both as stubborn, this next chapter of their lives is going to test them to the brink! That's all I am saying for now!

So for all of you who enjoyed I Can Save you make sure you check back regularly to see when the first chapter is posted!

She focused on the white fluffy specs that were falling just outside the window and pulled the comforter up around her body, the room was by no means cold but it just felt good to know she could snuggle up when it was freezing outside. He lightly snored next to her and she wondered whether it was a good time to wake him from his slumber, to make him aware of the situation. She decided against it, she knew he was exhausted, after spending almost three hours at the hospital this time yesterday and then having to come home to take care of Matilda he had been exhausted, she could wait another hour. She did however decide to call someone else, even though it would only take them about ten minutes to get to their home. The words were whispered and short but the message was put across and the plan that had been set a few weeks back was now under way and so she sat and waited for another pang to hit.

It didn’t take very long.

She felt the pressure begin to build and almost instantly the pain rippled across her belly making squeeze the comforter until her knuckles turned white and a small moan escaped her lips and after a few seconds her breathing returned to normal. Shit five minutes apart, maybe she had left it a bit too long? Maybe she should have woken him earlier.

“Nick?” She whispered through the darkness but he didn’t even stir and she wondered why she was surprised, he could quite clearly sleep through a hurricane, he had adapted after so many years of travelling and catching zzz’s wherever he could. She tried again, lightly nudging his shoulder this time.

“Hmm?” He mumbled not moving from where he was laying, snuggling deeper into his pillow as though this would stop the annoyance of having to wake at such an ungodly hour in the night.

“It’s time,” she simply told him and he sighed as he pushed himself up into a sitting position.

“You sure this time?” He asked through a yawn and she wanted to smack him. Then again she had been adamant the previous two times and it had turned out that it was just Braxton hicks. She had felt so stupid surely she, already a mother of one, should have been able to tell the difference.

“Yeah,” she whispered closing her eyes quickly when he flicked on the light and it made her eyes sting. She opened them warily after a few seconds and adapted to the change in brightness looking over to him when he wiped the sleep from his eyes.

“You called your Mom?” He huskily asked as he got up and put on some clothes.

“Yeah she’s on th-shit,” she groaned as another one hit and he was instantly by her side, taking her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze, reassuring her as the contraction began to sub side.

“How far apart are they?” He questioned when he knew that it was over.

“About five minutes,” she said before bighting her lip, a nervous habit she had. He looked at her with wide eyes before shaking his head at her.

“Why didn’t you wake me sooner?” He gently scolded as he helped her up so she could change into some warmer clothes for the journey to the hospital.

“I didn’t want to wake you for a false alarm again,” she told him whimpering when she felt her waters break and the fluid hit her feet. No this was not a false alarm this time, she was defiantly in active labour now and if she wasn’t careful she was going to end up having this baby right here on the bedroom floor. She saw him try to hide the panic in his eyes when the same thought obviously ran through his head.

“How far away is your Mom?” he questioned, placing his hand on her stomach as if that were going to give him all the answers, or at least stop this until they made it to the hospital.

“She should be here any minute. You have the bag right?” She questioned as she made her way into the bathroom to clean herself up.

“Yep already in the car, hey I think she’s here, you okay if I got let her in?” He questioned.

“Yeah,” she called back to him.

***

It had only taken twenty minutes to get to the hospital but the contractions had become a lot more frequent and extremely more intense and as they reached the admit desk she felt the biggest one yet rip through her lower abdomen. He dropped the bag that he had been carrying and grabbed her arm to steady her as she tried to block out the pain by using the breathing techniques she had been taught in Lamaze.

“Nearly over,” He whispered to her as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm to try and provide some comfort. “Okay?” He asked her when she finally opened her eyes and she nodded her head in affirmation.

“Shannon McKenzie,” Nick told the receptionist.

“Are we sure this time?” The plump older women asked looking over to Shannon with questioning eyes. She had never really been a violent person, maybe it was just her snooty attitude or the hormones that were surging through her body right now, or the fact that for the past five hours she had been in pain, but whatever it was Shannon wanted to throttle her. Sensing her impending eruption Nick stepped in quickly.

“Pretty sure what with her water breaking,” he bit back.

“Take a seat over there and one of the nurses will be with you shortly,” she curtly remarked pointing to a small waiting area across from her desk.

“How you doing?” He asked as they sat.

“Okay. I don’t think its going to be very long though,” she added as she felt another contraction start to build.

***

“Yeah…they all but stopped, they’re going to give her an half an hour and then if she still hasn’t had any there going to give her pitocin to try and start it up again,” he said down the phone.

“Has she been up and walking around?” Rebecca, Shannon’s mother, asked.

“Yeah I think we walked a dent in floor,” he chuckled. “She’s just got back into bed now for a bit, how’s Tilds?” He asked down the phone, stealing a quick glance back to Shan’s room. She was staring straight ahead probably at the TV as she absent mindlessly caressed her swollen stomach.

“Getting restless,” Rebecca sighed. He chuckled at the thought, he could totally relate to his daughter because he was the same. It had been almost nine hours since she had woken him and there was still no sign of their baby, the nurses had been so wrong when they said they would have their baby by morning. It was coming up on midday now and she was barely five centimetres dilated.

“Is she there? Can I speak to her?” He asked.

“Sure I’ll just get her.” He heard her walk into a different room, most likely the lounge and handed the phone to his seven year old.

“Daddy?” She asked and he smiled at her voice.

“Hey Prune you okay? Having fun with Grandma?” He asked.

“Kind of. Is the baby here yet?” She asked.

“Not yet but it shouldn’t be long now then you can come and visit,” he told her.

“It’s taking forever,” she whined down the phone, making him laugh at her exasperation.

“So did you,” he told her, “Can you put Grandma back on?” he asked.

“Uh huh, Bye,” she said quickly.

“Bye baby,” he echoed.

“Nick?” Rebecca asked.

“Hi. I’ll kee-”

“Mr Carter? Shannon is asking for you,” A nurse interrupted and he nodded to her.

“Look I have to go, she’s asking for me, I’ll call as soon as I know what’s happening.”

“Okay we’ll be waiting. Tell Shan good luck,” she replied before she hung up.

He placed his cell phone back in his pocket as he made his way towards her room, picking up the pace when he realised that the contractions must have started again. She was mid contraction, her face scrunched up in both pain and concentration as she focused on the breathing exercises she had been taught. She opened her eyes as she felt the bed dip under his weight and grabbed for his hand. “I’m here sweetie, just breathe, you’re doing so good,” he encouraged but it wasn’t long before he realised that she was holding her breath. This one seemed to be getting the better of her. “Baby you need to breathe deep breath in and release it slowly” he said trying to encourage her but she just shook her head no and moaned.

“Doesn’t work,” she gasped out increasing the pressure on his hand.

“Just try it,” he tried again but thankfully it had reached it’s peak and was now its decent and she began to relax again. “Back on track again huh?” He asked stroking her cheek lightly when she opened her eyes.

“Yeah,” she whispered before a few tears fell from her eyes.

“Hey,” he softly said as he brushed them away, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s been fourteen hours now I thought this time it would be quicker,” she sniffed.

“I know it’s hard but you’re doing so well. You don’t have to be strong you know, you can have the pain meds, you can make this easier,” he tried to tell her but she stood firm in her decision. She was adamant. She had delivered Matilda with only a small whiff of gas and air and that was all she was going to do with this one.

“No,” she told him.

“Shan-”

“I said no alright. Can you help me up? I’m going to give the birthing ball a try,” she said reaching her hand out to him.

***

“I feel stupid sat on this” she whined as looked down to the birthing ball she was sat on. “It’s too big.”

“Well you’d burst a regular sized one.” Nick replied before thinking, the colouring draining from his face when he realised what he had actually said.

“Thanks for the ego boost, I’m only having your baby here.”

“That’s not … I mean” he hesitated now flushing pink.

“I know babe,” she smiled, letting him know that he hadn’t upset her but the contraction came on suddenly, “oww oww oww.”

“Contraction?” He asked as he took her hands in his. She nodded her head and started to gently rock back and forth on the ball, and at moment it did seem to be helping, the motion taking pressure of her back. It subsided quickly and she opened her eyes to his worried blue ones.

“Nick, stop looking so worried, I’m fine. But I do think I need to get off this before I fall off,” she chuckled. He stood from his chair opposite and helped her up off the ball.

“You want to sit on the bed?” He asked.

“I think I want to stand for a bit actually. I have a numb butt from being sat on that thing. Are you okay?” She asked noticing how he kept flexing his left hand and moving his shoulder.

“Yeah,” he sighed as he began to massage his shoulder.

“Nick?” She questioned.

“It’s just gone a bit dead is all, it’ll be fine,” he shrugged through a smile.

“C’mere,” she beckoned as she sat on the edge of the bed. He made his way across to her and sat down on the chair beside the bed just within he reach. She gently massaged his shoulder, relieving the tension that was there, it would be a short term fix, ever since his accident it had been giving him problems.

God the accident, she hadn’t thought about that in a while. Two years and one month ago she had told him that she was leaving, that she couldn’t be with him like he wanted, that she was taking their daughter and moving to another state, to this state in fact. To say he had been angry and confused had been an understatement, he had blown up at her told her that she was running from her problems, she had verbally denied this but on the inside she knew it was true. She had wanted nothing more to stay with him but she was venerable, to scared to start a relationship in fear of it crumbling, of it ruining their friendship. What she had failed to see at the time was that she was destroying it anyway.

In the end he had relented, decided to let her go, let them both go and she even made it as far as the airport. Then it had happened. Things could have turned out so differently, she definitely wouldn’t be here at this moment if they had that was for sure. Everyday she woke up and thanked her lucky stars, thanked God for giving him and, in a sense her, a second chance. He had followed them to the airport, to try one last ditch attempt at stopping her she had later found out, but it had almost cost him his life. She would never forgot the pain she felt, the pure anguish that twisted up her insides when his doctor solemnly told her and his Father that “It might be kinder to let him go.”

“Stop it,” he warned, snapping her from her thoughts.

“Stop what?” She questioned.

“Thinking about what ifs. I’m here, I’m fine and I love you,” he said leaning over so he could place a quick kiss to her lips.

“Good cause I don’t think I could get through this without you,” she admitted to him.

“Well you don’t have to. It’s all going to be different this time,” he said as he stroked her stomach.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered the guilt over the birth of their previous child and the circumstances over coming her. If she had just told him last time then everything they had gone through could have been avoided, they probably would have had more children by now, maybe they would have even been married, or maybe it would have all fallen apart long ago. Maybe all they had gone through, all the lying, all the pain, all the anger, maybe all that had made them stronger as a couple, as a family. She didn’t and probably never would know for sure but she knew that this pregnancy had been so much different from her first.

For a start he had been there the whole way through, had accompanied her to every doctors appointment, rubbed her feet when they had ached, shaved her legs when she had gotten to big to reach down, placated her every craving no matter what time in the morning it had been. She hadn’t had that last time, sure he had been there for her but only as a friend, he hadn’t even heard Matilda’s heartbeat nor did he see the grainey image of her at the first scan she went to. He had been amazed with it all this time round, reading the books, talking to her stomach, grinning widely for days after he heard the heartbeat, showing everyone possible the scan picture. She knew if she asked him about it now that he would whip out the crumbled photo from his wallet, it was like he was doing it all for the first time and it had hit her when she had been almost half way through her pregnancy that it was.

That was when the guilt had started to niggle its way in. All the precious moments that he had not shared with her during her first pregnancy, all the important moments in Matilda’s life that she had stolen from him. Sure he had been there when she was born, had been there when she took her first steps, taught her how to ride a bike, had been there when she lost her first tooth. All the major milestones he had managed to be at but it was the little things he had missed, all the little things that she would never forget but he would have no recollection of. He never got the chance to do a late night feed, to fall asleep with her on his chest, to watch her smile for the first time, to see her crawl, to watch her fall asleep in her own dinner. Sure she had told him about it but it wasn’t the same and she was the cause of that.

She didn’t get a chance to explain why she was sorry and he didn’t have time to question her though because the pain was so immense that she ended up screaming out, grabbing hold of his shirt, near on choking him when she pulled at it.

God why had she made that stupid comment about this being over quickly seventeen hours ago?

***

“That’s it, it’s almost over, almost over, there,” he said as she let the death grip on his hand go. He glanced at the clock and couldn’t believe where the time had gone, couldn’t believe that she was still doing this, that she still had any energy left within her. The contractions had been coming faster and stronger over the past four hours but there was still no sign of their baby and he was beginning to wonder whether it would ever make an appearance or whether this was going to end up as groundhog day. He didn’t get much more time to contemplate that because once again she was gripping at his hand and once again he was trying to comfort her.

“Alright okay think about something else. Lets think about….” he trailed off not knowing exactly where he was going with this but she didn’t seem to even notice. Her face was scrunched up in pain, she was flushed and sweaty, her hair falling out of the ponytail she had swept it into a few hours ago but to him she had never looked more perfect and he smiled at her when she finally let her death grip on his hand go and opened her eyes as it subsided.

“I’m just going to check your progress Shannon,” the midwife said as she lifted the blanket and he prayed that she was almost there because she was fading fast before him. “Okay eight centimetres,” she said as she pulled off her gloves and threw them in the trash.

“You’ve got to be kidding right?” She panted as her eyes filled up with tears.

“It shouldn’t be long now,” The midwife tried to comfort.

“You said that three hours ago,” she whispered as the tears began to fall.

“Baby you’re doing so well, we’re in the home stretch now,” he encouraged wiping her tears away. He felt so helpless, she was in pain and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it, nothing he could say was going to make this any easier and it was killing him.

“I want the pain meds,” she whimpered.

“Okay if you want them we’ll get them, you want the epidural?” He asked.

“No the pethadine, I want to be able to feel when it comes out,” she told him clamping her eyes shut and calling out when another one hit. He looked at his watch, that one had only been ninety seconds apart.

“Breathe through it,” he encouraged.

“FUCK YOU AND YOUR BREATHING!” She yelled before she cried out again and he just kept his mouth shut for the rest of the contraction. He wanted to laugh at her sudden outburst, it was unlike her to just blow up like that and he knew it was because of the pain and the fact that she was exhausted, but still he didn’t think he would be the most popular person if he laughed.

In the following ten minutes she had no less then eight contractions, each being that more intense then the previous and he was wondering whether he was ever going to get the feeling back in his hand, or whether it would come out looking as flat as a pancake. He kept glancing to the door wondering when this midwife was going to return with something to stop or even reduce the pain she was feeling and when she uttered her next words he definitely wanted the midwife to waltz through the door.

“Oh Jesus I can feel the head. I gotta push, NICK I HAVE TO PUSH,” she moaned yelling the final part.

“No there’s no one here,” he said panicked.

“I don’t care I want it out,” she told him as she started to bear down.

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath his head going back and forth between her and the door and just as he was about to leave her to go and grab someone it opened.

“Shannon?” The midwife asked, hurrying to the side of her patients bed. “Honey if you push now your going to tear and it’s going to be very painful.”

“No this happened last time,” she panted, “I can feel it, I can feel the head,” she said before she started pushing again. The midwife frowned before snapping on some gloves.

“Stop pushing for a second so I can che- oh,” she said quickly before looking up to both of them. “Okay Shannon, you’re right the baby’s crowing so I need you to stop pushing and just pant through this bit for me,” she said as she gathered the items she would need to welcome this baby into the world. Once everything was in situ she stuck her head out of the door and yelled “Crowning in room four.”

Nick had never seen two people come bursting through a door so quickly but he instantly felt relief when he realised that there was now more then enough people to safely help Shannon deliver this baby. This part he remembered.

“Nick would you like to see?” The Doctor asked and he turned his gaze amazed at what he saw, that was his child’s head, his child’s face, he was watching it come into this world right before his own eyes. The person right there, well he had helped to make that, it made the breath catch in his throat for a second.

“Baby it’s beautiful just a few more pushes and you can see too,” he said turning his attention back to Shannon. Her face scrunched up the same way it had seven years ago when she had been pushing Matilda out. She was concentrating so hard on pushing she wanted this baby out now and she was done with waiting around.

“That’s it, keep going,” he encouraged as he squeezed her hand and began counting back from ten.

“Count faster!” She yelled through gritted teeth, falling back against the pillows when he finished. “I just want it out,” she moaned as another contraction hit.

“It’s coming Shannon, I promise,” the Doctor called to her.

“Just a few more pushes gorgeous,” said as he kissed her sweaty forehead before he wrapped his arm around her shoulder so he could pull her forward into a comfier position to try pushing again. She turned so red this time he thought she was going to rupture a blood vessel but this push seemed to be what their child needed. It only took her two more pushes before the newest edition was making his presence known with a loud shriek as he was pulled from the warmth of his mother’s womb and into the cold bright world.

He watched in awe as his child was lifted up so that they could both see him. He was covered in amniotic fluid, his tiny hands balled into fists, his skin wrinkly and he was quite clearly angry about being pulled into this cold harsh environment if his shrill cry was anything to go by.

“He’s here,” He whispered to her as she fell back against the pillows exhausted.

“He?” She questioned opening her eyes to look at him.

“Yeah it’s a boy,” he told her getting slightly choked up, his vision clouding with tears as he watched them dry his son and take a few measurements over on the baby warmer.

“Go be with him,” she said pushing him towards where their son lay.

“You sure? You’ll be okay?” He asked, kissing her on the cheek as she nodded at him.

“Oh you would think it was the end of the world,” The midwife said as she roughly dried the newborn. “Look here’s Daddy,” she said smiling brightly when she spotted Nick.

“What’s all that noise for huh?” He asked reaching out to stoke his tiny head. Whether it was the deeper voice or that fact that he recognised the tone the baby instantly began to settle and he watched as he was placed on the scale.

“Wow Good job Mama, you got a chunky boy here he’s nine pound seven,” she announced before wrapping him up and before Nick knew it he was walking towards Shannon with the newest edition of the family safely nested in the crook of his arm.

***

He walked back into the room after calling everyone and smiled back at her when she looked up to him from across the room. She looked radiant, motherhood definitely suited her, she was just a natural.

“Hey beautiful,” he said leaning down to kiss her before he sat next to her on the bed. “You feeling okay?” He asked as his gaze fell to his new son who was happily feeding.

“Apart from being utterly exhausted?” She joked, “I’m fine. Starting to see why this little guy is such a chunk,” she laughed.

“Has he been feeding the whole time I’ve been gone?” he questioned.

“Yeah, I don’t think he’s going to be stopping anytime soon either,” she smiled. “You call everybody?” She asked and he nodded.

“They all send their love and kisses and hugs. Your Mom’s gona bring Tild’s in when it’s light out. She was a bit miffed that we didn’t have a name ready for him,” he told her.

“Well what names do you like?” She asked. “I mean I named Matty so…”

“What about James?” He said and immediately she scrunched her nose up at it. “What’s wrong with James?” He asked.

“I had a horrible patient called James.”

“Okay so James is a no go, what about Rudy? No?” He questioned when she did the same again. “Little guy what’s your name huh?” He asked stroking the newborns cheek as he thought for a few moments. “What about Charlie?” Nick asked.

“Charlie,” she said out loud. “Charlie,” she repeated again as if she were trying it out for size, “ I like it,” she said smiling to him.

“So Charlie Carter it is,” he said.

“Well he’s Charlie McKenzie until we get out of here,” she stated.

“Yeah about that,” he started. It was now or never, and it felt totally right, he was going to wait until Christmas, ask her then but this just seemed perfect, just the two of them, well three actually but…okay just get on with it he thought to himself. “I uh wasted so much time hiding from how I felt about you…I…you know how much I love you don’t you? How much you mean to me?”

“Yeah,” she said her head starting to swim, a set of butterflies in her stomach starting to flap. He was finally going to do it, finally going to ask, she had been dreaming of this moment for what seemed like forever and yet she still didn’t know whether or not she was going to say yes.

“You stood by me when probably not a lot of others would, I know at some points during the rehab I wasn’t the nicest person to be around.”

“You were frustrated Nick, anyone would have been.”

“You’re the most amazing person I know, no you are,” he continued after she scoffed at him. “I’ve known you forever and I’ve watched you grow from this insecure teenager into this amazing women, amazing mother and I want to be with you forever. I want to be there when your holding our first grandchild like your holding him right now,” he said looking down at the baby in her arms. “I guess I…well…Marry me Shan,” he said rather than asked.

He couldn’t believe how different he felt this time round, he was ecstatic and he knew the smile that was attached to his face would take a long time to leave. They had spent the first two hours just staring at him, taking it in turns to hold him and the more Nick studied him, the more he realised that although he did bare a great resemblance to his daughter Charlie looked a lot more like him then she had. He was a lot fairer then Matilda had been, underneath his blue gamgee were fine wisps of mousey brown hair, he had Shannon’s big eyes and when they were open you could tell he was just trying to take everything in. He was chunkier a good three pounds heavier then what Tild’s had been and he was longer too.

He sat and studied his new son who was contently sleeping the crook of his arm marvelling at how lucky he was, and how grateful he was to have been granted a second chance. This was all he had ever hoped for and god knows he had paid his dues what with his family history and his and Shannon’s rocky start. He heard the bathroom door creak open and smiled up to Shannon when she walked through.

“Nice bath?” he asked and she nodded as she began to perch herself on the end of the bed, her face contorting in pain as she did. “You okay?” He asked concerned.

“Yeah, just forgot about this part,” she said as she made herself more comfortable. “Is he okay?” She asked.

“He’s perfect,” he said as he stood and placed the sleeping infant in her arms.

“You don’t think he looks pale?” She asked looking down to the baby in her arms, studying him with a frown.

“No why? Do you?” He asked also looking to see if he had missed anything.

“I don’t know, something just doesn’t feel right. I think I’m still in my PICU head,” she admitted.

“He’s fine Shan, hungry again, but fine,” he said.

“Hungry again? I can’t remember Tilds being this hungry,” she said as she lowered her top so she could nurse Charlie.

“No but I don’t remember her being this settled,” he pointed out.

“Yeah you’re right.”

“Knock Knock, wow he certainly is a hungry boy isn’t he?” The midwife said when she saw that Shannon was feeding yet again. “How are you feeling?” She asked as she took a set of vitals.

“Okay. A little sore,” she shrugged.

“I would be extremely surprised if you weren’t. He’s a big baby. How do you think he’s doing?” She asked as she looked down at the baby in her arms..

“I think he’s a bit pale,” she said again, voicing her concerns.

“He looks okay to me, but the doctor will be in shortly to take a look at him. Can I get you anything?” She asked as she noted down something in her file.

“No we’re good,” Shannon smiled back as she watched the midwife leave the room. “I don’t like her,” she said suddenly as the door shut making Nick frown in confusion.

“Why? She seems nice enough.”

“She didn’t even check him out, She could have at least checked his sats,” she said studying Charlie intently not looking to Nick.

“Shan you just said yourself that you’re over analysing things, you could have asked her to check them and you didn’t. Other then being a little pale he’s doing great, he’s crying, he’s awake, he’s feeding, stop focusing on the negative things that COULD happen but won’t,” he tried to reassure as he took her hand in his and gave it a squeeze.

“You're right, I’m being totally neurotic, I just see these kids everyday who are so sick and I know the signs and I guess I’m just looking for something that’s not there, Sorry,” she apologised.

“You don’t have to be sorry but you do need to stop worrying, you need to enjoy him,” he smiled “I think your probably comparing him to Tild’s too because she was a lot darker when she was born. She was your colouring and he’s obviously taken after me and is going to be fairer,” he pointed out.

“You’re right, I didn’t think of that.”

“Stop waiting for something to go wrong,” he said softly kissing her cheek.

“It’s hard to stop being pessimistic but I’ll try,” she said.

***

The day had been long, filled with many visitors and well wishers and then adding in the fact that she hadn’t really slept a lot the previous few nights…well she was just dog tired but yet she still couldn’t fall asleep. The worry was still there.

She put down the magazine she was reading and slowly moved so she was perched on the edge of the bed, wincing when she felt a small bit of pain in her lower abdomen, how could she have forgotten about this part? She stayed still for a few more seconds before she pushed herself up and made her way over to his bassinette.

She looked down at the sleeping baby and smiled widely. She couldn’t believe how privileged she was to be doing this again, she knew some women who thought it was there god given right to be mother but she thought differently. It was a huge responsibility to raise a child, a responsibility that she had not really lived up to with Matilda a few years previous, she hadn’t been able to protect her well enough. At that point she had given up the notion of ever being a mother again but yet her she was, staring down at her newborn son, it was funny how things worked out.

This was a time when she should have been feeling happy and yet in a way she felt more overcome, almost as if she was waiting for this to come crashing down around her, like it was too perfect to be true. Something just wasn’t sitting right, she didn’t feel at ease, call it her mothers intuition but she knew that something was wrong. Charlie had been checked out by the paediatrician, a paediatrician that was well respected, well liked and who had twenty years of experience, a paediatrician that Shannon had worked with for the past year. In the past she had expressed that she would trust him with any of her children, even with her own life but now, even after she requested that he do the newborn exam, she still was not convinced.

Peter had been meticulous, listening to her concerns he had made sure to tailor the exam to any cause for the “paleness” Charlie seemed to have. He had stripped him off and checked him from head to toe and then toe to head, the exam took well over an hour, almost double the time it should have but in the end he had handed the squawking newborn back to her, a smile on his face professing “He is a very healthy little boy.”

So why was she still not convinced?

She sighed as she lightly trailed her hand down the length of his small body before she started to un-pop the buttons to his sleeper so she could get a better look at him. His breathing was even, he didn’t show any signs that he was struggling, his fontanel was soft and flat just like it should have been, his pulse steady and strong when she checked his brachial artery. Maybe she was over reacting. Maybe it was just her tired mind playing tricks on her, maybe Nick was right, that Charlie just took after his skin tone. Or maybe just maybe she was right.

She opened the clasps to his diaper and pulled the front flap down so that she could press just on the inside of his groin. She let out a small sigh of relief he had two stonking femoral pulses, just like Peter had told her.

“What are you doing?”

She almost jumped five feet in the air when she heard his voice behind her turning quickly so she could chastise him for scaring her.

“Jesus Nick you could have let me know you were there.”

“Sorry I thought you heard me come in,” he said setting the flowers down on her bed. “So what were you doing?” He asked curious.

“I…nothing,” she said a bit to defensively as she quickly re-taped the diaper and began to redo the sleeper up.

“Shan?” He asked.

“I was checking he had femoral pulses,” she admitted placing the blanket back over a sleeping Charlie. He looked at her totally confused and she mentally shook her head at herself, of course he didn’t know why she was doing that, he didn’t work in medicine. “If he didn’t he could have had a co-arctation which is a narrowing of the aorta it’s something that is really commonly missed.”

“Alright you need to stop this Shannon,” he told her firmly almost becoming slightly angry with her. She didn’t know why maybe it was the fear, maybe it was the rage of hormones surging through her exhausted body but she ended up bursting into floods of tears. “Baby,” he sighed wrapping his arms around her so she could cry into his chest.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered.

“You don’t have to be sorry,” he soothed as he rubbed her back in small circles. “You need to calm down and stop waiting for this to all fall apart because you are going to make yourself sick.”

“I know,” she sniffed pulling away from his embrace. “I’m just so scared of something happening Nick, whether its with Charlie or Matilda or you and I don’t want to…I can’t loose any of you,” she said a fresh batch of tears starting to fall at her confession.

He pulled her close again as he said, “You’re not going to. I know we’ve had a rough ride but things are looking up now okay? We’ve got so much to be happy about, a wedding to plan,” he said nudging her slightly making her giggle as she wiped her eyes.

“Did you remember to bring it?” She asked and he nodded as he reached into his pocket to retrieve the small ring box and her heart began to race when she realised where he had bought it from the pale blue box a dead giveaway. He slowly unwrapped the silk white ribbon and placed it on the bed beside her before lifting the box so she could get her first look at her engagement ring. It was beautiful, in fact stunning was the only word that could describe it. She had never been a lover of big rings, she wasn’t really the flashy type, she liked rings and jewellery that made a statement but would also go with anything and considering she would be wearing this on her finger hopefully for the rest of her life it definitely needed to match everything.



“Will you marry me?” he quietly asked her for the second time that day.

She smiled brightly at him, biting her lip to stop the tears from falling as she whispered, “Yes,” to him, the tears slipping as he placed the impressive band upon her finger before stealing a kiss. They were rudely pulled apart when Charlie started to cry though.

“Guess we’re are going to have to get used to this huh?” He chuckled as he turned to his son and picked him up carefully. “Now little guy you and I need to have a conversation about timing.”

She sat back on the bed and smiled at the scene before her, at him talking to their son he was such a great Father, like he had been born for it. Most guys she knew would have had a hard time adjusting, but he had just dove right in, changing his first diaper this morning, settling him when he hadn’t wanted to stop crying after the newborn exam and once again the feeling of regret and guilt wiggled it’s way in. Matilda had missed out on all of that, and so had he, they hadn’t been able to bond like a Father and Daughter should have been able to, not at the very beginning anyway. It hadn’t seemed to have made any difference to their daughter though because she worshipped the ground that he walked on, right from word go, it was almost as if she knew the true identity of her Father and she hadn’t really been fazed when the truth had come out two and half years ago.

“You’ll have to get used to this Charlie, she never listens,” she heard him say when she came back to the real world from her thoughts.

“Excuse me? I’m running on exhaustion here,” she joked sticking her tongue out at him.

“I had the same amount of sleep as you,” he countered.

“Yeah but did you push a nine pound baby out of your body?” She asked rasing her eyebrows to him.

“I could have,” he mumbled bursting into laughter when she shook her head at him.

“You don’t have to stay tonight you know. It might be a good idea to go home and get some sleep in a proper bed before we come home tomorrow,” she said as she took hold of the baby he was offering to her.

“Yeah I will do. I think I need to spend a bit of time with Tild’s before you guys come home. Do you know what time you’ll be let home tomorrow?” He asked as he handed her the cushion to place beneath their son as she got him situated for another feed.

“Not sure why don’t you head here for ten?” She said wincing slightly when Charlie finally latched on.

“Okay. You sure you’ll be alright?” He asked stroking the top of Charlie’s hat covered head as he suckled contently.

“Yeah, go spend some time with Tild’s, give her a kiss from me,” she said resting back against her pillow.

“I will do. I’ll see you tomorrow little guy,” he said placing a small kiss to Charlie’s head before leaning back up so he could claim her mouth in a quick kiss.

“I love you,” she told him when they broke apart.

“I love you too,” he told her as he made his way towards the door stopping abruptly when he got there. “Shan?” he asked and she turned her head to him. “Thank you.”

“For what?” She asked confused.

“For making me a Daddy again,” he smiled before blowing her a kiss and leaving.

***

This she did not miss.

She opened her eyes and tried to make out her surroundings but the room was almost pitch black, save for the small strip of light coming from under the door. She moved quickly, regretting it when she did as a pang of pain tore through her lower abdomen, she took a few deep breathes as it subsided and switched on the lamp that was beside her bed as she swing her legs over the edge slowly.

She made her way over to the squawking infant, lifting him out of the bassinette trying to soothe him as she made her way back to the bed, knowing full well that only way he would stop crying would be if he was fed again.

“You are going to pop little guy,” she joked as she made herself comfortable, getting him settled and as shut off the lamp plunging them back into darkness again. Okay maybe this was nice, she had enjoyed the late night feeds with Matilda, it was so peaceful and quiet, the only noise coming from the suckling infant and she knew as soon as he was finished he would have the drunk from milk look on his face, a look that told her he was totally satisfied and ready to go back to sleep, it was a look she loved.

So when he pulled away from her totally breathless the alarm bells started ringing again. Even in the darkness she could see that his breathing pattern was erratic, it was almost as if he was gasping for breath and she quickly reached for the lamp, her heart in her throat when she looked at him.

“Oh God!”

He was blue, completely blue.

She moved from the bed as quickly as she could, the pain in her lower stomach not even registering, she needed to get help, and so she turned to the head of the bed and pressed the big red button, the emergency buzzer as she turned and placed him on the bed and began to strip him off his sleeper.

“HELP ME! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!”

He rushed down the hallway his sneakers squeaking on the linoleum of the floor, only stopping when the elevator held him up. He boarded as soon as the doors opened and quickly hit the button hard to the fifth floor, hitting it repeatedly when the door didn’t shut straight away. The ride seemed to take forever as he bounced from foot to foot while he waited for the ding. He should have taken the stairs, he would have been there by now, damn it he should have taken the stairs. He knew as soon as he answered the phone that it had been bad, her voice had sent chills down his spine and he hadn’t been able to get to her quick enough.

“Nick?” She almost sobbed and instantly she had his attention as he sat bolt up right in the bed.

“What is it?” He asked panicked.

“There’s something wrong with Charlie,” She cried, “I need you.”

He hadn’t replied, just hung up the phone and made his way to her and him as quickly as he could, thankful that Rebecca had decided to stay, he hadn’t even left her a note, then again if he had what would he have said? For three o’clock in the morning he was quite awake, maybe that was from the shock of being called out of the blue, from the panic of not knowing what was happening and he was instantly thrown back almost three years to when he had felt like this before.

“What the hell happened?” he asked as soon as he met Aaron at the security desk.

“I don’t know, I just got a call from Shan saying that she couldn’t get hold of you, that’s she needed you, that Matilda and her we’re in trouble and to tell you that you we’re right,” he said as they walked hastily towards the parking lot.

He felt sick to his stomach, what he had feared had happened, the worst he could imagine and he had not been able to stop it. He had seen all the warning signs, tried to coax her into talking to him but it hadn’t been enough and he had failed them both, just like he always failed at everything. But this time it was different he couldn’t just shrug this off or dust himself down so he could try again. People’s lives had been at stake and he knew that if something happened to either of them he would never forgive himself.

“How bad is it? Have you seen her? Is Shannon okay?” He kept firing questions at his brother the whole journey back towards the hospital.

“I’ve seen her I met her at the hospital after I called you. He got her good Nick, she’s got three broken ribs, a fractured cheek bone, she’s practically purple.”

“Has Matilda seen her? God she doesn’t need to see her mother like that,” He sighed thinking what a sight like that could do to a little kid. His brother’s silence shook him from that thought though, and before he even said anything he knew.

“He got her too didn’t he? That son of a bitch,” he yelled punching the dashboard.

“She’s in intensive care,” he muttered.

“How bad is it?” Nick asked rubbing his temples not really wanting to know.

“Bad. He broke four of her ribs and he’s bruised the hell out of her lungs, they were having problems with blood when I left to pick you up.”

“What kind of problems?” He asked.

“I don’t know she has a rare type or something, they are trying to locate some.”

Although the situation was slightly different the same feelings of helplessness where there, he had no clue what was going on, whether it was just Shan and her over active imagination or whether it was actually something more serious. Deep down he knew it was serious, she wouldn’t have called him like that if it wasn’t, not sobbing like she had been.

The doors to the elevator opened a few moments later and he stepped off turning left and taking off down the hall towards her room almost crashing into a nurse when she stepped out of the room.

“What’s going on? Where’s Shannon? What’s wrong with Charlie?” He fired at her quickly. She put her hand on his arm to silence him as she led him over to the nurses station.

“Mr Carter Charlie’s been taken to the NICU-”

“Why?” He asked quickly without giving her a chance to finish, “When I left he was fine.”

“He was having some trouble breathing after feeding, so it was decided tha he needed to have some tests carried out, needed some oxygen therapy,” she informed him.

“But he’s okay?” He asked.

“They are still carrying out some tests, but as soon as we hear anything we will come and let you both know.” He didn’t miss how she avoided the question, she didn’t know if he was okay, whether he was going to be okay and Nick wanted to yell at her to just answer his question. He knew she wouldn’t be able to though, because nobody knew for sure and for the first time in his life he understood how Shannon and his family must have felt when nobody could give them concrete answers about his prognosis after the accident.

“Where’s Shan?” he asked.

“In her room with one of my other colleagues go right in,” she said nodding towards the door.

***

She made her way over to the squawking infant, lifting him out of the bassinette trying to soothe him as she made her way back to the bed, knowing full well that only way he would stop crying would be if he was fed again.

“You are going to pop little guy,” she joked as she made herself comfortable, getting him settled and as shut off the lamp plunging them back into darkness again. Okay maybe this was nice, she had enjoyed the late night feeds with Matilda, it was so peaceful and quiet, the only noise coming from the suckling infant and she knew as soon as he was finished he would have the drunk from milk look on his face, a look that told her he was totally satisfied and ready to go back to sleep, it was a look she loved.

So when he pulled away from her totally breathless the alarm bells started ringing again. Even in the darkness she could see that his breathing pattern was erratic, it was almost as if he was gasping for breath and she quickly reached for the lamp, her heart in her throat when she looked at him.

“Oh God!”

He was blue, completely blue.

She moved from the bed as quickly as she could, the pain in her lower stomach not even registering, she needed to get help, and so she turned to the head of the bed and pressed the big red button, the emergency buzzer as she turned and placed him on the bed and began to strip him off his sleeper.

“HELP ME! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!”

It seemed to take forever for people to reach her but in reality it had only been about thirty seconds, all the nurses rushing into her room, the crash trolley rattling in behind one of them.

“Get the warmer,” One said as she continued to strip Charlie off.

“He’s cyanotic, what are his sats?” Doctor Fleming asked as he made his way into the room, his hair sticking up every which way a clear indication that he must have been sleeping just a few minutes previous.

“Seventy six and dropping” The nurse tried to tell him quietly but Shan had heard, hell it was quite obvious anyway, no one with one hundred percent oxygen saturated blood would look that colour, they would be pink, he quite clearly wasn’t.

“Okay airway is patent for now, lets try and correct the cyanosis with some O2 and page the NICU attending, get him here now, where is the warmer?” He reeled off quickly as he held his stethoscope to Charlie small chest.

“Here,” Said one nurse as she wheeled it in quickly.

He quickly scooped up the still blue Charlie, and placed him upon the warmer before carrying out the rest of his assessment, the nurses connecting her baby to the equipment, it amazed her how quickly it all happened, how well they worked together as a team. Then again in this type of situation where she worked it was exactly the same, everyone knew what they were doing, what their role was, what came next, because if you didn’t then there was no hope for the sick child that they were trying to save.

“Okay I need access, get me a 22 gauge cannula, and I need a blood gas stat,” The resident said as he prepared an area of Charlie’s skin to get a line into.

It just seemed so surreal, she didn’t feel part of what was going on around her, she knew exactly what they were doing and why but she felt so helpless and so she just stood and stared until he jabbed her child with the needle, well that was the last straw. It made her heart break when she heard his feeble cry, not the screech she heard when he had been first born, this was more like a whimper, like he didn’t have the energy to vocalise his distaste to what they were doing.

“Oh God,” She whispered to herself when the full impact of what was happening hit her.

“His tachy at 190, I can’t get a decent BP,” The nurse told the Resident, again trying to be quiet but Shannon heard every word.

“Oh God help him, please help him,” She begged edging closer to the warmer.

“Should she be in here?” Dr Fleming asked as he filled up the capillary tube with some blood so they could get a blood gas before handing it to the waiting nurse, who took off out of the room and down the corridor with it.

“I’m not leaving!” She replied shrilly to his question.

“Shannon maybe it would be-” A Nurse tried.

“I’M NOT LEAVING!”

“Okay what have we got?” A balding man obviously in his early fifties, asked as he walked into the room, Shannon recognised him as one of the neonatal attendings. He quickly made his way over to Charlie, listening to what Dr Fleming had to say.

“One day old male, initial baby check unremarkable. Feeding Mom noticed difficulty breathing, profoundly cyanotic, tachyneic.”

“Passed muconium? Been feeding okay?”

“Yes, I don’t think it’s TOF,” Dr Fleming said as he looked over the blood gas that was handed to him shaking his head slightly, “Metabolic acidosis, his lactate is through the roof, PC02 is climbing, PO2 is seventy percent.”

“It’s a cardiac problem isn’t it?” Shannon said making both the doctors look at her.

“Do cardiac issues run in your family?” The neonatal doctor asked.

“No but he’s not responding to the oxygen is he?”

“Are you a doctor?”

“No I’m a PICU nurse,” She told him.

“It’s certainly looking that way.”

She kept replaying the past hour in her head, wondering if there was anything she could have done differently, if only she had been insistent that they do further testing on him, then this could have been slightly avoided, they could have kept him monitored more closely, could have kept him stable rather then let him collapse in a big heap right in front of her.

Once they had stabilised him enough they had whisked her newborn to intensive care and she had been left with a nurse to try and comfort her, offering to call Nick, to make her a drink but she didn’t want any of that, she wanted to be with Charlie, to see what they were doing, to make sure they were doing everything right, that they didn’t forget anything. Of course they wouldn’t allow that and so she had made the call to Nick, sobbing down the phone, knowing that when the phone went dead he would be on his way as fast as he possibly could, just like he always had been.

“Why haven’t they come back with more news?” Shannon asked the nurse, whose name escaped her.

“They will just as soon as they have any. They’ll want to get him stable, to run the tests, to be absolutely certain on a diagnosis before they come back, it doesn’t mean that anything bad has happened,” She tried to comfort.

“That’s bullshit, the longer it takes the worse it is,” She said bluntly from her own experiences. “Sorry,” She apologised quickly.

“It’s okay, its going to be harder for you because you know so much, maybe a bit too much but you have to remember in this situation you aren’t a nurse, you are his Mother. You don’t need to worry about the numbers, about the tests, there are others to do that for you. Are you sure I cant get you anything? A drink, maybe something to eat, are you in any pain?”

“I just want to see him,” She said her eyes filling once again.

“As soon as he is settled you can,” She said rubbing Shannon’s shoulder.

As soon as the door opened and she saw his worried face she broke down again, he was by her side in an instant wrapping his arms around her protectively.

“It’s okay, I’m here baby, shhhhhh, it’s okay,” He whispered in her ear as he rocked her back and forth. She let him comfort her for a few minutes but she knew that he needed to know what was happening, that he was almost completely in the dark about Charlie.

“He’s really sick Nick,” She told him quietly as she pulled away from his embrace taking his hand in hers.

“What happened?” he asked.

“I was feeding him and I had the light off, god if I had had the light on maybe I would have noticed earlier, maybe I would have seen,” she said getting choked again.

“Shannon this isn’t your fault,” The nurse tried.

“But I would have seen.”

“Seen what?” Nick asked confused.

“He just started breathing funny and when I turned on the light he was…he was so blue Nick,” she said sobbing again after the confession.

“So he’s not getting enough oxygen? So it’s something to do with his lungs?” Nick asked trying to piece together everything. It was confusing enough to hear accounts of what had happened rather then seeing it with his own eyes but at times Shannon seemed to forget that he didn’t have the knowledge she had, that with most medical things he was totally clueless. So when she shook her head he was totally confused, “So what is it then?”

“It’s probably his heart,” She told him.

“His heart?” He asked confused.

“We don’t know anything for certain yet so I think we should wait until the doctors come back to talk to you both before we start speculating. I know it’s difficult Shannon but just try and shut your mind off from it,” The Nurse tried and Nick knew instantly that what she had just said had been a big mistake and he mentally braced himself.

“Shut my mind off from it?! My Baby could have a Hypoplastic left heart and you are telling me not to think about it?” She almost hissed making the poor women flush crimson.

“I’m sure he’s not a hypoplast Shannon, he would have been a lot sicker a lot more quickly.”

“You don’t know that though do you? Hell six hours ago you all told me my baby was perfectly healthy, well did he look perfectly healthy when they wheeled him out of here? Do perfectly healthy babies turn blue? Do they have to spend their first night in a NICU?!” She bit back angrily the pitch of her voice rising dangerously.

“I think it might be a good idea if we’re on our own for a bit,” Nick said to the women with an apologetic look hoping she would get the hint. She nodded at him in understanding as she vacated the room.

“How dare she?!”

“Shan she’s only trying to help,” he tried knowing instantly they he had made a grave error as well.

“HELP?! HELP?!” He could tell she was just about to go into another rant but instead as just crumbled, big wet tears sliding down her cheeks, her chest racking with sobs and he just wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into his chest holding her tightly. Wanting nothing more then to join her in her tears but knowing that for know at least he was going to have to be the strong one.

He watched as the sun began to rise from the crest of the earth, the light hitting the already busy streets of New York City. Commuters were already well on their way to work, some were actually on their way home from nightshifts none of them seeming to realise what was happening just a few feet above them. He glanced back at Shannon who was sat on the bed, her focus fixed on the door that had yet to open. That had been her visual ever since she had calmed down enough, ever since the conversation had dried up between them. The waiting around was enough to drive him insane, it reminded him of when Tild’s had been in intensive care, how difficult he found all the waiting around then. It seemed like they had been waiting forever for any news, when in reality Nick had only arrived half an hour previously before the handle of the door started to turn.

The silver haired doctor seemed to almost put Nick at ease, he wasn’t sure why, maybe it was because of his age that Nick felt he would have the right knowledge and expertise then a younger doctor or maybe it was to do with the fact that he bared a great resemblance to his grandfather, either way Nick knew he felt comfortable.

“How is he?” Shannon asked quickly getting up from the bed.

“Miss McKenzie-”

“Shannon,” she corrected.

“Shannon and I take it your Dad?” He said addressing Nick.

“Nick,” He replied shaking the Doctors hand.

“I’m Dr Grant, Why don’t we sit down,” he said and once again Nick felt sick to his stomach, the last time he had been asked to sit down in a situation like this he had found out his Grandmother had passed away. Uneasily he did what the doctor suggested, finding Shannon’s hand and placing it in his, giving it a squeeze to reassure himself as well as her.

“Charlie is stable for the moment but I will warn you he is a very sick little boy. An echo shows that he has transposition of the great arteries, without a VSD or an ASD” Dr Grant informed. Nick had absolutely no clue what that was or meant but going by Shannon’s sudden intake of breath and the fact that she seemed to become more upset he had a feeling it wasn’t good.

“So are you going to do a switch? He’s a good size to do a switch right? The quicker we get it done the better it will be,” She asked quickly.

“He’s a bit too unstable to do a switch at the moment, the PDA shut which is why he started becoming cyanotic, we’ve started prostin but it’s not working as well as we hoped so we are going to transfer him to Morgan Stanley’s Children’s hospital so they can do a steptostomy.”

PDA? Prostin? Sepsomething? To Nick they may have well been speaking in a foreign language, hell he still didn’t know what was wrong, was it a heart problem was it a lung problem? How did they treat it? What were the odds? To him it was almost as if he wasn’t there, that because Shannon dealt with this everyday he didn’t matter.

“Sorry but can we back up?” He interrupted making the Doctor and his fiancé look at him. “What’s going on? What is this Transposition? Is it his heart?”

“I’ll explain it to you later,” Shannon said quickly.

“No I want to know now,” He said quickly before she could start asking more questions. “I can’t make decisions with you when I don’t know what’s going on.”

“You don’t trust me enough to make the right decision?” She accused.

“I didn’t say that Shan, I just want to know what’s going on, he’s my son too,” He told her.

“I’m sorry Nick, it’s a force of habit when one parent works in this field,” Dr Grant apologised. “Okay let me draw you a diagram.”



“Charlie has Transposition of the Great Arteries or more commonly known TGA which is a problem with his heart. In order to understand what’s wrong you need to know normal blood flow through the heart so I’ll go over that first okay?” He said making Nick nod.

“Now your heart has four champers, two at the top called atria’s and two at the bottom called ventricles, so blood that has travelled all round the body and has no oxygen left in it comes into the heart via the right atria and it travels down into the right ventricle. From there the blood is pumped through to the lungs where it picks up oxygen now to get it there it has to travel through a tube called the pulmonary artery. So now we have nice oxygen rich blood so it travels back from the lungs into the right atrium again it goes down into the left ventricle where it’s then pumped to the rest of the body through a another tube called the aorta. Are you with me so far?”

“Yeah,” Nick replied.

“Now in Charlie’s case his problem lies with the two tubes, the one that gets the blood to the lungs and the one the gets the oxygen filled blood to the rest of the body, in essence they are the wrong way round. The aorta is connected to the right ventricle, and the pulmonary artery is connected to the left ventricle - the exact opposite of a normal heart's anatomy. Oxygen-poor blood returns to the right atrium from the body, passes through the right atrium and ventricle, then goes into the misconnected aorta back to the body, it doesn’t collect any oxygen essentially it by passes the lungs, so no oxygen is travelling to where it’s needed. Oxygen-rich blood returns to the left atrium from the lungs, passes through the left atrium and ventricle, then goes into the pulmonary artery and back to the lungs so he is just basically sending the blood filled with oxygen back to his lungs to collect more.”

“I just don’t understand why he was turning blue and why it took so long to happen I mean he was almost twenty four hours old,” Nick said confused.

“Babies have a duct between the aorta and the pulmonary artery now this closes once they are born in some cases it can take a few days but Charlie is one of these babies where it closes sooner. So for the first few hours he was okay because oxygen rich blood was managing to escape from this hole and be pumped around his body but now that it’s closed that’s why he started turning blue,” Dr Grant tried to explain.

“Because his body wasn’t getting enough oxygen?” Nick asked trying to see if his understanding was correct.

“Yes, exactly. Now we can give a medication to try and reopen this small duct which we have done but unfortunately it’s just not opening it enough. He needs a place in his heart where the deoxygenated blood can mix with the oxygenated blood so what we’re going to do is make a small hole between his atria’s,” He said drawing on the diagram.

“Sorry you are going to what?” Nick asked a bit shocked.

“I know that it sounds wrong but it’s what we need to do.”

“Why can’t you just go in and fix the problem now? Why do you have to make a hole in his heart?” He asked.

“Although it sounds simple enough the procedure to switch the vessels back is very tricky, there are lots of other factors involved which I’m not going to go over now because I’m very aware with loading you with too much information. We need to run some more tests do a more detailed echo which looks at his heart and where everything else is, make sure there are no other anomalies and stabilise him more before we even think about operating.”

“If he doesn’t…if you don’t make this hole will he die?” Nick asked making Shan hiccup back a sob.

“Yes he will. But if he has this procedure he stands a very good chance. I know this is a lot to take in but we do need to move quite quickly. Now we can’t do the procedure here, he will need to be moved to Morgan Stanley’s but obviously we need to get consent off you guys for the procedure,” He said.

“Just do it, I know the risks I know what can happen, I’ll tell you later Nick I promise,” she said looking over to him with pleading eyes, “You just have to trust me. We just need to sign so they can do it,” she said squeezing his hand.

“Okay,” He nodded knowing that if Shannon was on board with all of this that he had to be too.
“Can we see him?” Shannon asked as she signed the consent form.

“Of course. We have the transfer set up we’ll be leaving in thirty minutes so it’s going to have to be short I’m afraid.”

***

Hospitals always gave him the heebie-jeebies, it was a combination of the smell, the noises, the sights, the mass of sick people and also the fact that he knew people had died there. But now it was worse then ever, he remembered the sights of the PICU Matilda had been in, remembered feeling so helpless, so out of his depth and he had naively thought that the NICU would be the same, that because he had experienced this type of environment before he would be prepared.

He wasn’t.

The NICU was totally different. It was quieter, slightly darker and it was one huge room filled with what looked like spaceships, the incubators housing tiny infants you would miss if you didn’t look hard enough. That’s why Charlie looked so out of place compared to his two neighbours. He looked like a giant, he was nearly double the size of any of the babies in this unit and maybe that was why he wasn’t in an incubator but a bassinette instead.

“Oh baby,” Shannon said as she picked up his tiny hand and placed a kiss to it. “Mommy’s here sweetie. You okay?” She asked looking to Nick who just nodded, his eyes filling with tears that he was trying so desperately to hide. “No you’re not,” she said reaching her hand out for his.

He took it before saying, “Just concentrate on him, I’ll be fine.”

“You gave me a scare Charlie Warley,” she said softly as she stroked the top of his head. “You have to be a strong boy,” she said kissing him again before the nurse moved to the opposite side of the bassinette.

“Hi I’m Shelly, I’ve been looking after Charlie. You both know what’s happening? Do you have any questions?” She asked with a soft smile.

“I want to know why he’s ventilated we don’t usually ventilate pre op,” Shannon asked motioning towards the tube coming out of his mouth.

“You a PICU nurse?” She asked with a knowing smile.

“Can you tell?”

“We ventilated because we’re having problems keeping the PDA open so as soon as he gets to Morgan Stanley’s they are going to do the balloon catheterisation then to make the hole in the atria, it’s probably safer for his transfer too. I know it’s only thirteen minutes away but you must know you don’t want to be worrying about airway management.”
He let Shannon ask the questions, chat to the nurse because he didn’t think his voice would hold out on him, he didn’t know whether he would be able to keep his exterior cool, calm and collect if he had to communicate with anyone. He pulled his hand free from Shannon’s as he took one of Charlie’s small hands his thumb almost big enough to cover it completely. This just wasn’t right, he had paid his dues already, he had already had enough bad luck, so why was this happening? Was it because he was a bad person? Because he hadn’t made up with his Mother? Because he had been spoilt and conceited in his younger years? Even so he still didn’t think he deserved this, didn’t deserve to have another one of his children connected to a ventilator.

He placed a small kiss to his sons hand before offering up a silent prayer, please please just let him be okay, I’ll do anything, just let him be okay.

“I hate to do this guys…” Shelly said.

“I know, we have to go,” Shannon said with a sigh, her eyes also filling again.

“Be strong little guy,” Nick whispered to his son before giving him another kiss.

“I love you sweetie, we’ll see you soon,” Shannon said also giving him a kiss. She hovered for a few minutes and Nick knew she was having a hard time leaving.

“C’mon,” He said taking her hand in his, “I know it’s hard but we have to go, let them do their job,” he tried.

“But it’s my job too,” She said softly a few tears escaping her eyes.

“Not today it’s not, C’mon,” He said pulling at her.

“I don’t think I can do this,” She cried.

“Yes you can, come on we have to go,” He said walking her towards the door wiping at his own tears.

“Wait, wait,” she said pulling at him, “I just have one more question,” she told him and he let her go. “When he gets there they’ll let us know won’t they? Is he going to the NICU or the PICU?”

“He’s going to PICU,” Shelly told her.

“Can you tell him that he’s mine? That he’s Shannon’s baby and that she wants Matthew as his surgeon.”

“Of course I can.”

***

She had sobbed the whole way back to her room and as soon as she walked in the door it was as if something inside her clicked, the tears stopping immediately as she quickly threw her bag onto the bed and began collecting her things together.

“What are you doing?” Nick asked.

“What does it look like I’m doing? I’m not staying here, I’m leaving I have to be with him,” She said as she threw everything into her holdall. “Did you tell my Mom when I called you?”

“No she was sleeping and I didn’t want to waste anytime in getting here.”

“Maybe we should call her, you need to call your Dad too,” she said hissing slightly, grabbing at her stomach obviously because of some pain.

“Okay you need to stop and slow down,” He said taking the sleeper out of her hand making her sit on the bed.

“I can’t I have to get there,” She said trying to fight against him.

“No you need to be okay because I can’t get through this without you,” He admitted getting frustrated when his bravdo crumbled and his tears fell freely. She stood and threw her arms around his neck, bringing his head down to the crevice between her neck and shoulder, weaving her hands through the hairs at the nape of his neck.

“I’m sorry,” She whispered placing a kiss to his head. “I just have to get there, I have to be with him.”

“I know you do but you need to slow down a bit,” he said still hugging her. He was just about to say something else when the door opened.

“How are you guys doing?” The nurse asked.

“We’re leaving,” Shannon told her as she went back to packing.

“You need to be seen by a doctor first.”

“Well go get him then,” Shannon said.

“Rounds don’t start till ten,” The nurse informed.

“I’m not waiting four hours, you either get him now or I’m self discharging,” She replied angrily.

“Shannon you have to-” Nick tried.

“I have to what Nick? Listen to the people who told me my child was fine? I’m not waiting around for hours, I’m not leaving my son by himself in an intensive care unit, so she either goes and finds a doctor or I’m walking and if she doesn’t find one in the next ten minutes I’m walking anyway.”