The loud music boomed around me as I sucked on my cigarette.
"I have to go to the bathroom," I said as loudly as I could into the guy’s ear.
He nodded and backed away.
It was another loud Saturday night at the OP, El Paso, Texas’ biggest downtown gay bar.  Everyone, straight or gay came to the OP because it was a fun and easygoing place to be.  What you wore, what you were, and who you were didn’t matter.  The emphasis was on drinking, dancing and having fun.
I made my way to the bathroom and pushed the door.  Instantly, the smell of alcohol, cigarettes, sex and vomit rushed out to meet me.  I stepped right back out and hurried upstairs.  Most people didn’t bother going upstairs unless it was a particularly busy night, which this was.  I just hoped the smell would make me sick before I peed.
This bathroom wasn’t as congested.  There was no line to the stalls but there were about five girls squeezing into the three mirrors and sinks.  I quickly took care of business.
 "Hi, mija!" Carmen called as she saw me come out of the stall.
She was the attendant.  I knew her from my many nights in these clubs.  She was the only reason many girls didn’t go home with strangers, or throw up all over their cars.  It was her shoulder everyone cried on, myself included.
I hugged her.  "How are you?  What’s new?"
She smiled, "Nothing, same old.  It’s Saturday night, and I’m here.  I haven’t seen you in a while," she said.
"I was busy," I said trying not to give any indication of the fact that I had been staying at home, miserably alone for the past two months.  I didn’t want this night to deteriorate.  I refused under any circumstance to talk about Daniel.  "I’ve been writing for the college paper.  I’m supposed to be at a concert in Las Cruces.  Can you imagine?  I’m supposed to be reviewing the Backstreet Boys’ show.  Backstreet Boys, Shmackstreetboys!"
She laughed, "Well, I’m glad to see you.  Do you want a cigarette?"
I nodded, happy that she remembered my little vice.  Just as I reached for the pack, we heard gagging coming from one of the stalls.
Carmen rolled her eyes and took out her little broom.  "Duty calls, mija.  Help yourself."
I had pulled out the cigarette and was looking for the matches when one of the girls in the mirrors leaned a little too heavily into me.
"Hey, watch it," I told her giving her a push in the opposite direction.
As I lit up, the girl once again ran into me.  She was especially tall, if she was a she, I thought, remembering I was in a gay bar, as I tried to redirect her.  This time, she teetered back over to me and I fought to keep my balance.
"Hey!"  I cried trying to push her off.
"It’s okay mija," Carmen said coming into view.  "It’s okay.  He’s okay. He’s just had too much to drink."
She perched the young blond man that I had mistaken for a woman back on the sink.  His head rolled back and bumped the mirror.  She held on to him until he slouched down to a stable position.  Now that I could see him, he looked very young.  His complexion was clear and fair.  His eyes were closed, but this kid looked very beautiful and very young.
I looked at Carmen.  "Is he okay?  Are you sure it’s just alcohol?"
She nodded pushing his soft-looking blond hair out of his face.  "He’s just drunk.  I’ve worked 25 years in the El Paso clubs, believe me, I can tell the difference.  He’s just too young and can’t handle the booze.  I’m afraid to call security because they’ll just dump him out in the street or call the cops.  Can you imagine?  Being this little boy’s mother and being told that your son was found drunk and unconscious in El Paso’s biggest gay bar?  Ni lo mande dios.  God forbid.  He’ll be fine."
"Do you know who he came with?  Has anyone been looking for him?"
She shook her head.  "He wandered in here about two.  I guess he started drinking really early.  What time is it any way?"
I looked at my watch.  "Three-thirty.  They’ll be closing soon."
 "Valgame dios!  Oh my God!" Carmen said.  "I have to get this place cleaned up.  I can’t stay here until six this morning.  Keep an eye on him, will you?"
"Carmen, I --," I started then remembered the time I had come in here drunk and crying.  She baby-sat me the entire night.  "Yeah, okay."
She disappeared out the door, and I looked at my little friend.  He wasn’t even wearing one of those wristbands that distinguished the people who can drink from those who can’t.
"Hey," I said shaking his arm.  "Hey, wake up."
He sighed and mumbled something.
"Hey, you’d better wake up because they’ll be closing soon, and you need to get home."
"My favorite color is green," he said.
"What?  Listen, you have to wake up.  Carmen can’t take care you, I can’t take care of you, and you need to go home.  I don’t know what the hell you are doing here anyway."
 "Video games...video games.  With my free time, I like to play video games."
I looked at him perplexed.  "I don’t care.  Wake up!"
This time, I shook him so hard that he came off the sink and fell over on top of me again.  He was heavy.  I struggled to push him back toward the sinks, and I was able to stabilize him against the wall.  He was talking on and on about his favorite color, his hobbies, just general nonsense.
I ran the water in the sink and got my hands as wet as I could.
"Come on, wake up," I said and I rubbed his soft face with cold water.  "Wake up."
He struggled to get away from me but finally opened his bleary blue eyes.  He looked at me, then around at the walls, then up at the ceiling.  He smiled.
"I liked dark haired girls.  Do you want my autograph?"
He was out again.
I decided there was not much else I could do.  As soon as Carmen came back, I would leave him with her.  She could put him in a cab.
I watched the door anxiously as girls paraded in and out.  You could tell the night was winding down because less and less people came into the bathroom.  My friend leaned his head on my shoulder and snored lightly now.  I stood still smelling the mixture of alcohol and cologne.
At one point, someone walked in, and I realized the lights had gone on inside the club.  It was time to go home.  My sister was probably looking everywhere for me.
I pushed him back against the mirror.  "You have to stay here.  I’m sorry.  If you wake up now, and tell me where you live, I’ll take you home."
No response.
I shook his shoulder.
No response.
I cupped his chin in my hand and shook his face.   "Hey.  Hey!"
No response.
I gently slapped his face a couple of times.
Finally, he sat up, eyes still closed, and leaned his entire weight on me.  I held on to his waist so we both wouldn’t fall down.
"No, don’t do that, come on!"
"Ellie.  Elisa!"
I turned to find my sister at the door calling to me.
"Man girl, most people go into the stalls to do it," she said as she approached us.
"I’m not doing it.  Help me."
She walked around inspecting the scene.  "Help you?  Help you do what?  You have Blondie here where you want him."
I wanted to laugh, but my back was starting to hurt.  "Help me get him off of me.  He weighs a ton!"
Laura pushed him back against the mirror.
"How did this kid get in here anyway?  Is he okay?"
"He’s really drunk.  I’m taking care of him for Carmen."
"Carmen the bathroom lady?" Laura half laughed.  "She just walked out the front door.  I was outside too, looking for you, and when she saw me and said you were in here.  She was in a big hurry."
"No!  Don’t say that Laura, no!  What am I going to do with him?"
She eased closer to him and touched his face.
"Do with him?  Ellie, he’s not your problem.  I’m sleepy and hungry.  Let’s go home."
"And what?  Let security find him here and leave him in the street?  How long do you think this kid will last in downtown El Paso?  What if the cops throw him in jail?  What if some big guy hits on him?  What if they totally beat him up and rape him, and--?"
"Okay, all right," Laura said.  "You’ve watched too many prison movies.  If you want to take him somewhere, let’s do it now.  It’s late and I want to eat."
"Help me."
Laura helped me get him on his feet.  He wasn’t totally out any more, but he was still talking nonsense.
"I love to travel," he was saying.  "Green, my favorite color is green."
Laura and I walked him out of the bathroom and toward the door.  I guess on any given night, many people walk their semi-conscious friends out of this place.  No one looked twice at us.
We made it out to the car easily enough and put him in the back seat.  When Laura climbed in, she immediately took off her shoes, leaned over to the back seat and started going through the boy’s pockets.
"Laura!  What are you doing?"
"Hey, if he has an ID, we can get him home.  Or did you want to keep him?  This isn’t like when we used to bring home strays.  This kid must have a home.  Maybe his parents are looking for him."
I drove quietly while she finished searching him.  "Eighty bucks, ATM receipt, lint, quarters.  Shit!  No ID. That’s just his pockets.  I can’t get to his wallet.   How the hell did he get into the OP anyway?  He looks twelve."  She sat back down.   "What do we do now?"
I shrugged.
"You’re going to have to do better than that, Ellie.  You can’t keep him."
"Let’s just let him sleep it off at home," I said like it was the most natural thing in the world.  "We’ll leave him on the couch and lock our bedroom doors.  He’ll just sleep it off.  I’ll take him home in the morning."
Laura started to laugh, then she stopped.  "Okay.  Okay Ellie, let’s take him home."
He slept the whole 20-minute ride home and stop a fast food drive-thru.  It was much harder to get him off the car.  At one point, Laura almost dropped him and let him hit the pavement.  Somehow, we were able enough to make it to the couch, and without missing a beat, the boy kept right on sleeping.
 

That morning, I awoke to the sound of my phone’s shrill ringing.  The television was still on since I had forgotten to turn it off when I went to sleep.
"Hello?"
"Well, good morning Elisa.  I’m glad to hear you’re up.  I guess you’re putting the final touches on that concert review that was supposed to be on my desk at noon today."
Noon?  I looked at my clock.  It was almost one.
"I, uh, Garret, I can explain.  I have the review, it’s just that the comp--."
"We have computers here."
"I know . . .," I trailed off because I was too sleepy to think of a lie.
Garret sighed.  "So, how was the concert?   Did lots of girls faint?"
I cleared my throat to try to sound awake.   "Oh Garret, you should have it.  It was like these girls were in rapture.   I thought that should be the headline, Backstreet Rapture."
Garret half laughed, "I thought you were supposed to pan these guys, Elisa.  This is a college paper, not Teenybop magazine."
"Yeah, I know, but--."  I started to say just then I saw my blond friend on TV.  He was dancing and singing.  He was a Backstreet Boy.  He smiled into the camera with sumptuous blue eyes.  I sat up and crawled over to the TV to get a closer look, but it was him:  extremely tall, blond, blue eyes, perfect features.
"But what?  Listen Elisa, don’t bullshit me.  The Backstreet Boys postponed their show last night.  One of the boys is sick.  Go down to Cruces and see what you can find out."
I nodded though I was one the phone.  "Yeah, sure Garret.  Listen, what if I could get an interview with one of the guys?"
Garret snorted, "What?  Are you going to sleep with a roadie?"
"No!  What if I could get it?  Would I have to pan them then?  They are young, college aged, musicians, singers, popular.  Wouldn’t it just be great?"
"Yeah, yeah, whatever Elisa.  I’ll give you the front page for that.  Hell, I’ll let you be in charge of the next edition.  You can put out a Teenybop page for all I care if you can get that.  Go down to Cruces, okay?"
"Sure Garret, I will.  Thanks.  Bye."
"Bye."
I hurried to my bathroom to change, wash my face and brush my teeth.  I knew little or nothing about the Backstreet Boys. I knew I had heard a few of their songs, but I was too old to know anything about them.  Hell, I was 24 years old, not a girl with posters all over her walls.
I did however, have one of them asleep on my couch.
I put on my favorite denim shorts and white T-shirt and went into the living room.
When Laura and I left him, she went straight to bed, but I dug out blankets and a pillow for him.  Instantly, he curled himself up around the pillow and had gone back to sleep.  I waited for a little while, listening to him snore and breathe deeply.
As I entered the living room, I saw his bulky figure.  He had the blanket twisted around his waist and his feet sticking out of the couch.  He was just too tall to fit there.
I approached him quietly, easily as not to wake him.
Suddenly, he stirred.
I stayed back and watched him sit up abruptly, looking around as if trying to determine where he was.  He touched his head gingerly.  I guessed he was hung over.  He pushed his hair out of his face and felt his pockets then, he spotted me.
"Good morning," I said.
"Good, good morning.  Oh my God."
I tried not to laugh.  "Are you all right?  You’re not sick are you?"
"Sick?  No."  He looked around himself again.  "I’m not sick.  I’m just, just, just. . ." he stammered.
I approached him and sat on the coffee table.  He pulled the blanket out from under him and tried to fold it.  I pulled it out of his hands.
"You’re just lost," I said.  "You have no idea who I am."
His hair had fallen back into his face, so he just nodded.
"And  you have no idea what you’re doing here."
"Pretty much," he said.
"It’s okay," I said.  "Don’t worry.  Nothing happened with us or anything.  I just brought you here because you were in no condition to go anywhere else."
He looked up, his eyes startled.  "Condition?"
"You don’t’ remember being very drunk last night? Very, very drunk?"
He touched his temple.  "My head feels like I was.  I don’t drink.  I guess I’m not used to it."
I nodded.  "Well, you were in the girl’s bathroom and Carmen, and I took care of you.  She disappeared on me, so I brought you home.  I would have taken you to your home, but I have no idea where you live."
He nodded as if he had started to remember.
"Oh my God, you’re right.  I remember drinking some beer with these guys that I met yesterday.  They knew the door guy at the club, so they let me in.  We kept drinking, and I think we did shots."
"Tequila?"
He nodded and touched his temple again.
"Say no more.  I know the feeling exactly.  My name is Elisa, what’s yours?"
"Name?  My name is Gen, I mean Gene.  Gene, it’s Gene."
I nodded, "Gene.  Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I’m sure.  I just don’t like it.  Everyone calls me Nick.  That’s my middle name."
"Oh, okay, Gene Nick.  Well, you’re welcome to shower here if you want, or I can take you straight home."
"That’s really nice of you Elisa.  I--."
We both heard a strange growling.  He touched his stomach embarrassed.
"Why don’t you shower?  I’ll make breakfast, then we’ll talk about getting you home."
He nodded.  "Okay."
After showing him to the main bathroom, I made a quick egg and chorizo breakfast.  Hot, spicy food always seemed to help a hang over.  I also made sure there was plenty of chilled orange juice to rehydrate my new friend.
"Here, drink some water first," I told him when he came into the kitchen.  His hair was wet and he was just wearing baggy, black jeans and a white under shirt.
"I stink like cigarette smoke," he said making a face after sipping the cold water.  "My clothes smell awful.  I think I used a lot of your shampoo trying to get the smell out.  I’m sorry."
"It’s okay," I said.  "Sit down.  You need to eat something and drink lots of liquid.  How do you feel?"
He took a deep breath and finally smiled.  His entire face lit up when he did that.  He had these healthy, rosy cheeks, and his eyes . . . They were bluer than anything I had ever seen before, the ocean, the sky, blue jeans.
"I’m embarrassed," he said.  "That’s how I feel.  I can’t believe I was so drunk that I ended up at your house.  I guess I was lucky, huh?"
"Yeah, considering you were in gay bar.  How did you get in there anyway?  You don’t even look 17."
He wrinkled his nose.  "Gay bar?  I don’t know.  I just know I took off for a little while and met these guys at a video store.  We started talking about video games, and they invited me to some party.  I took off with them, but don’t remember much after that.  I guess we drank a lot."
I sipped my juice.  "It happens I  guess, Gene Nick.  The only thing that matters is that you’re okay.  Where do you live?  Do you need to call home?"
He had been hungrily eating his breakfast as we talked, now he just stopped.  "Home?  Oh no, I don’t need to call home.  Actually, no one even knows I’m here."
"Don’t you live at home?  How old are you?" I asked.
"Eighteen.  I just turned eighteen last January.  Yeah, I live at home, but not right now.  Right now, I’m finishing up my final year of boarding school.  I hate it."
"Boarding school?  Wow.  Where?" I asked wondering how he planned to explain himself to me.
"Maryland," he said, not missing a beat.  "It’s this stuffy old school for boys.  Actually, I’m supposed to be in Las Cruces visiting my uncle for the weekend, but I got bored and went to the video store for a little while.  That’s when I met those guys that took me out, and you probably know more about the rest than I do."
I laughed.  "No, I don’t think I do.  I found you in the women’s bathroom.  You were lucky to have wandered in there.  Carmen, the attendant, is a really nice lady.  She takes care of everybody."
He wrinkled his nose again, it was an endearing gesture.  "Women’s bathroom?  Man, what night.  How did you get involved?"
"Carmen asked me to watch for you a minute, but ended up running out of the bathroom and never coming back.  She must have had an emergency.  Don’t you want to call your uncle?"
He shoveled a huge bite into his mouth then shook his head.  I wondered if he was stalling until he thought of what to say.
"No," he said swallowing finally.  "No thanks.  We kind of got into this huge fight, and I doubt he wants to hear from me right now.  It doesn’t really matter.  He won’t miss me."
I let him finish his breakfast in silence.  I wasn’t sure of what to say because I was so busy looking at him.  He was perfect.  His skin was clear and rosy.  His nose didn’t have a stray bump or hair on it.  His lips were roundish and pink.  Then I couldn’t even start describing his clear, crystalline eyes.
I looked away and finished my juice.
He was wiping his hands.  "Well, Elisa, thank you once again.  I have this feeling that I am forever in your debt."
I shook my head and smiled.  "Don’t worry.  Want a ride back to Cruces?  I have to go back there anyway.  I have to write a story for the University newspaper."
"University?  Wow, I thought you were about my age.  I didn’t think you were already in college."
"I’m 24," I said.  "I would have finished already, but I changed my major from journalism to education last year.  I haven’t gotten rid of the writing bug, so I occasionally write for the school paper."
"I can’t wait to go to college," he said sitting up.  "There’s so many things I want to do and study.  After last night, drinking won’t be one of them, but I want to be in all the plays, a fraternity, play sports, tour the museums, everything."
"And don’t forget go to class."
He blushed.  "And go to class."
Remembering that I had promised Garret a story, I tried to find a way to get him talking about himself.  Nick busied himself wiping stray crumbs off the table and gathering the used dishes.
"What’s boarding school like?" I asked.
He pushed away from the table and picked up the dishes.  "It sucks.  There are too many rules and too many people making rules.  Don’t stay up, don’t go out, don’t say that, don’t go there, don’t talk so loud, don’t watch that show.  It’s endless."
I joined him at the sink, and we quickly washed the morning dishes.  Even in his bare feet he towered over me.
"For someone who goes to boarding school, I’m surprised you know how to wash dishes."
He shook some suds off his hand and pushed his drying hair out of his face.  "I like to wash dishes.  I like to clean my own room and wash my own clothes.  Not that I do it all the time, but it makes me feel like I have a normal life."
I looked up at him.  "Normal?  You make boarding school sound really bad."
He tore a paper towel from the dispenser and dried his hands.  "I think it’s bad for me.  I want so much to do things other guys do.  I think that’s why it was so easy for me to take off with those guys yesterday.  I just feel this need to be normal."
I nodded.  "But what do you want to do now?  Do you want to go back to Cruces?"
He looked at me, then at the floor.  Slowly, he shook his head.  "No, I don’t want to go back there.  I know I have to, but I don’t want to.  Can I go with you to write your story?"
I laughed trying to seem natural.  "I don’t want to do that either.  Why don’t we go to the mall or something?  That’s normal."
"The mall," Nick said, his eyes sparkling.  "I’d love to go to the mall.  I can get some other clothes because I stink.  Let me grab my shoes."
I nodded.  "Okay."
While he went into the living room, I ran to Laura’s room.  Her blinds were down and her head was buried deep under the pillows.
"Laura," I said shaking her.  "Laura.  Wake up."
She stirred.
I shook her again.  "Laura, wake up."
She moved the pillow enough to focus on me then pushed it back.  "This had better be good, Elisa.  What do you want?"
"You need to get up.  That guy we brought home yesterday is one of the Backstreet Boys."
She didn’t move or make sound.  Finally, she pushed the pillow in my face.
"What?!?  Are you crazy?  What Backstreet Boys?"
"The singers, Laura.  You know, the group I was supposed to review in Cruces.  He ran away or something, but he’s here.  He’s really nice and really cute.  He’s only 18.  We’re going to the mall.  Laura!  Get up.  I want you to go and take some pictures.  I’m going to write a story.  Maybe we can sell it to the tabloids or something."
Laura rolled over and rubbed her eyes, "One of the Backstreet Boys?  Here?  In our house?  At the mall with you?  Are you sure?"
"We’re leaving to the mall in about ten minutes.  Show up there later and take some pictures, please.  Please.  I’ll cut you in on whatever I get."
She nodded.  "Yeah, okay.  But this better good, Ellie.  It just better be good."
"It will be, you just watch."
I hurried back to my room and fixed myself up.  When I made it back into the living room, Nick was leafing through the Sunday paper.
"You ready?" I asked.
He nodded standing up.   "Ready!"
 
 

Usually, I hated going to the mall with guys.  They always complained about walking around, taking too long and looking at everything.  Not Nick.  He seemed to love shopping.  He pulled me into each men’s store and asked my opinion about everything.  Needless to say he had impeccable taste.  He bought at least three shirts and two pairs of jeans.  He really did like green because two of the shirts were green and the other had green in it.  I just followed him around telling him that he looked good in everything, which he did.
He ended up ducking into a men’s room and changing into blue jeans and an emerald green jersey.
"I think it’s important to find the right person forever, not for right now," I was telling him though I had no idea how I had come to talk about myself.  "I’ve had plenty of right nows.  I’m not necessarily ready for forever, but I’m not willing to waste my time either.  I don’t waste my time dating anymore."
"Dating is not a waste of time," he said.  "I love to date.  It’s the chance you get to meet all kinds of different women, to experience and experiment."
I laughed. "Experiment?"
"Yeah, blondes, brunettes, red heads, short girls, tall shirts, small girls, younger girls," he elbowed me.  "Older girls."
I laughed harder then I meant to then elbowed him back.   "Sure.  Whatever.  But what makes you think that after you experiment with every race, size, kind and flavor, you’ll be read to settle down?   Quite the contrary.  Won’t you get accustomed to change and variety?  That one person you meet might just seem boring then.  How will you be able to settle for vanilla ice cream when you were used to sampling every flavor?"
"Well, because of my sampling I’ll know what I really want."
"What if you really miss the sampling?"
He was quiet.  "I don’t know."
We walked in silence.  I had kept an eye out for Laura, but forgot about her as the conversation became more involved.
He seemed pensive.
"Have you ever been in love?" he asked as we sat down at the edge of one of the indoor fountains.
I shrugged.  "I thought I was in love once.  But it wasn’t really love."
"Why?"
"Because it hurt so much.  Love is supposed to be a good thing.  It’s supposed to bring happiness, not sadness.  Why?  Have you ever been in love?"
He nodded silently.
I nodded too and looked around.  I spotted Laura inside one of the department stores focusing her telephoto lens on us.
"I was in love last year, and it didn’t work out.  She didn’t like the fact that I was in boarding school and could never see her," he was saying. "She wanted me there all the time, and I wanted to be there.  I just couldn’t.  She was nice girl, you know?  Pretty, smart, nice.  I think she just got sick of waiting for me to come home."
"Then she wasn’t the one," I said simply.
He looked at me.  "What?"
"Well, don’t you think that if someone really loves you, they want you to be happy?"
He shrugged,  "Yeah.  But no one wants to give up their happiness either."
"That’s the point.  If someone truly loves you they’ll be happy that you’re happy."
"I don’t see how that could be true in this case.  She was unhappy because she never saw me."
"If she loved you enough, she would have seen that it was impossible for you to be at two places at once.  I’m not saying that she should have been happy. She just should have been more understanding.  You need to finish school.  It’s not an option.  What if when you went to college, you could have been near her?  Couldn’t she have waited for that?" I asked.
He sighed.  "I don’t know.  You make it sound easy, but it’s not."
"Love’s not easy.  I never meant to say that.  However, if someone loves you, they’ll stick it out.  The good and the bad, don’t you think?  If they can’t, or if they don’t, then it wasn’t love, and you have to let go."
He turned his body to face me.  I actually got nervous.
"So, you don’t think love is worth giving up things that make you happy?"
I shook my head.  "Nick, I’ve learned real love asks you to give up nothing.  It encourages you to have more and is happy when you’re happy no matter what."
He bit his lip still looking confused, but he nodded.
I reached up and touched his soft hair.  He closed his eyes leaned into my palm.  Suddenly, I felt so sorry for him.  He was unhappy and lonely, that’s why he ended up getting so drunk.
"I’m glad I met you," he said, eyes still closed.
"I’m glad I met you too," I meant to say, but it came out as whisper.
He sat up.  "Okay, enough depressing talk.  We need to have fun Elisa.  Where do you go to have fun?"
I checked my watch.  It was barely three.  "Clubs, but it’s way to early to go there."
"What?" he took a friendly swipe at me.  "Clubs!  Come on, there has to be an amusement park here or a fair.  Anything."
"Amusement park?  Like rides?  I don’t get on rides," I informed him.
He peeled those eyes at me and put his hands together in a begging gesture.  "Please, Elisa.  I don’t get to do this in boarding school."
I rolled my eyes.  "Yeah, okay.  I’ll take you to Western Playland.  It’s the only thing I can think of."
He stood up and pulled me by the hand out of the mall and to the parking lot.
 
 

I hated rides.  Nick, however, looked totally in his element in this second class amusement park.
"Where’s the roller coaster?" he asked looking around.
"I’m not--."
He grabbed my hand.  "Yes you are!  You’ll love it.  You can scream as loud as you want and no one says, ‘Shut up’."
He found the signs pointing to El Bandido and dragged me along.  I had no intention of getting on there.  The line was fairly long, so I knew I would have no problem escaping before it was our turn.
Nick looked so excited watching the people riding the old wooden roller coaster.  He kept a tight grip on my hand but couldn’t seem to keep still.  He kept humming a little tune and just couldn’t stand still.
"You don’t even look hung over," I told him.
He laughed.  "I have a little headache, but this will take it away."  He stopped moving around and looked at me.  "You’re five years older than me, huh?"
"Six," I said.
"Wow, six.  I’ve never been out with someone this much older."
I looked up at him.  "And?"
"And it’s strange."
"Really?  To me, it’s just like hanging out with my little cousin,"  I said trying to sound indifferent.
Nick started laughing.  "Little cousin?  Okay.  I’ll remind you of that later.  I guess you have a boyfriend?"
"No!  I told you, I’m not dating anymore.  Last time I even went out with anyone," I stopped.  No Daniel.  I said I wouldn’t even talk about Daniel.
He pulled me as the line went up. I noticed that I was quickly getting too used to holding his hand.
"What?" he asked.  "What happened the last time you went out with anyone?"
I shook my head.  "Nothing.  It didn’t work out."
"Why?"
I looked up at him.  He had those stunning eyes set on me like he knew this was struggle for me.  He pulled me closer to him and held me against his warm chest.  It felt good to be close to him in the crisp March breeze even if it was just for a moment.
"You can tell me.  I’m a good listener," he said into my ear.
I eased away from him.  "I don’t doubt that.  I just don’t like talking about it."
He nodded and looked away  little hurt.
I took a deep breath.  "Okay.  The last person I went out with was my best friend."
He sucked in air.  "A girl?  This gets better by the minute.  Jerry!  Jerry!  Jerry!"
I started walking away, but he pulled me back to his chest laughing.  "I was kidding Elisa.  Did I tell you what pretty name you have?"
"No.  And my best friend was guy," I said getting out of his space.  "We were best friends for about three  years."
"Were?"
"Yeah. Well, we used to party a lot.  We used to go to the bar we were at last night.  It was just fun.  We’d dance, we’d drink.  It was just a good time.  Whenever we were together we forgot about everyone else in the world.  For three years, it was just us and no one else.  We were very close, you know?  He got me through some very, very hard times and some stupid things that I did.  I trusted him with everything, and I like to believe he felt the same way about me.  I have never been closer to any other friend, boyfriend or even my sister."
Nick nodded.  "And?"
"Well, last year I decided to set Daniel up with one of my friends from school.  She agreed and they went out once.  They seemed to like each other all right, but neither made any move to continue the relationship.  Daniel, however, swung  back to me.  We went dancing all the time and drank more each time.  He seemed really worried because he was always telling me that he was afraid to lose me.  He used to say that my boyfriends would hate him.  I used to say his girlfriends would hate me.  Yet, we were both still with each other."
Nick was listening intently now.   He was standing still and watching me as I poured out the tale I rarely told anyone.
"Well, my friend finally ended up calling him back and they started to date.  I was okay with it.  Hell, I had set them up.  I just wanted them to be happy, but instead everything was strange.  I was drinking way too much all of the sudden.  Daniel never seemed to know if he wanted to be with me or Angela.  One night, I was at the OP with some other friends, and he showed up saying he really needed to talk to me.  Well, he was really drunk, and so was I.  I hardly remember now, but he was babbling on about me and him and feelings, and love, and Angela.  I have no idea.  I just know we started kissing."  I stopped and tried to contain the emotions that always seemed to bubble up.
Nick gripped my hand a little tighter and bent down to my ear.  "You don’t have to tell me.  I’m sorry."
I shook my head.  "It’s okay.  Well, he spent the night with me, you know?"
He nodded.
"And then he didn’t call me ever again.  It was like he disappeared.  I later found out he and Angela were together.  They have been together since,"  I tried to laugh, but it sounded like a bitter snort.  "I guess after having sex with both of us, he decided who was better."
Nick put his hand over my mouth then pulled me to him.  "I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for making you talk about this.  I didn’t mean to."
The tears escaped me quickly, but it wasn’t the flood I had cried constantly since it happened.
"I’m sorry.  I’m sorry," he kept saying.
When I looked up, I realized we weren’t even in the line anymore.  Nick had pulled us away under a huge tree.
I let go of him and wiped my face.  "God, I’m sorry.  I said I wouldn’t be talking about this anymore.  I said I wouldn’t cry another tear about it."
He nodded and touched my hair.  "It still hurts; that’s okay."
I laughed at the notion that he was consoling me.  "It just hurts because I miss the friendship.  I think all this time all I’ve been looking for a friend.  Those are harder to find than true love itself.  Sometimes I think that if we hadn’t messed around, we’d still be friends.  I would be happy if he found someone, but could still be part of his life, even a little part.  This way, I’m just alone and have no one to talk to."
Nick smiled and squeezed my shoulders.  "Maybe you do.  I feel comfortable with you, and I rarely feel comfortable with anyone.  I like being alone or with my family.  It’s hard for me to have friends."
"Really?  But you’re so nice."
He shook his head.  "I’m nice because I like you, and you were nice to me.  Otherwise, I’m not that nice.  I’m not that mean either.  I just like to keep to myself.  I like to depend on myself.  Sometimes, at school, it’s not easy to open up to people.  A lot of the guys at my school are close and closer in age.  They get along better, they understand each other more.  They don’t waste a lot of time on me."
I looked up at him.  "They’re probably jealous."
He laughed.  "What?"
"Well, look at yourself.  You’re gorgeous, and you’re easy going.  I don’t think I would want you around if I was a guy.  All the girls probably flock to you."
He was blushing bright crimson. "You know, girlfriend, that deserves an ice cream cone.  And I’ll spare you the roller coaster."
I laughed, and he pulled me to the ice cream stand.
We sat on top of one of the picnic tables just chatting while we ate our ice cream.  I realized how the story I was supposed to be writing kept slipping my mind.  I was too busy being happy with a gorgeous, young, happy guy who seemed happy being with me.
"What are you going to tell them when you go back?" I asked.
He shrugged not looking at me.  "Whatever.  That I needed a break.  That I felt sick of being cooped up.  I don’t care.  I’ve gotten past caring about what they think of me."
"And you’re only 18?  I finally stopped caring what people thought when I was about 22."
He smiled.  "And people say girls mature faster than guys.  Ha!"
"Shut up!" I said taking a swing at him.  He stopped my arm and smeared it with his ice cream cone.
"Oh gross!"  I began.
He giggled and wiped the ice cream off with his finger then he licked it.
"Um, tastes like lotion," he said.
I was watching him.  His finger still in this mouth as he sucked off a few drops.
I took a deep breath and looked away as goose bumps rippled through my body reacting to the undeniable turn on.  I pulled my arm away.  He’s eighteen.  He’s only eighteen.
He smiled to himself and scooted closer to me.
I watched him.  He was attractive.  I could never deny that.  I had a thing for blondes, and many of the guys I had dated were younger but never this much.
Nick continued to eat his ice cream cone oblivious to the fact I was near having a melt down.  Or seemingly oblivious.
I gulped back some ice cream.  "And you do this a lot?  You disappear from where you’re supposed to be?"
He nodded.  "Not usually for this long, though.  Usually just a couple of hours.  I don’t like to worry people, but this time I was just too tired, too bored."
I nodded unsure of what to say because my thoughts had turned to kissing him.
Suddenly I felt something cold and wet on my shoulder.  I turned.  Nick had smeared ice cream on me.  He was giggling silently.
I stared at him for a second feeling the ice cream slide down my arm.
He smiled.  "Sorry.  It dripped."
I started wiping it off.  "It dripped, sure it did," I muttered.  "I’m gonna stink now."
He started rubbing it too.  He did it slowly and easily, his smooth hands slipping over my sticky skin.
I looked up at him, "You need to be more careful.  You--."
He bent down and kissed me.  I felt his warm lips barely brushing mine.  I could see that his eyes were closed, and his hair tickled my face.
My heart pounded.  I moved an inch closer to him and kissed him back, barely.  He sank into my mouth kissing me softly almost like he wasn’t sure I had actually accepted him.  I closed my eyes, put my arms around his neck and kissed him more deeply than he had kissed me. Gently, I sucked on his lower lip then easily slipped my tongue in and out of his mouth.  His tongue followed mine as he embraced me holding me close.
I could have kissed him forever.  Then, I remembered Laura.
I pulled my face away from his.
His eyes were still closed, his face leaning toward me.  Finally, he smiled and opened his eyes.
"Okay.  Why did you stop?" he asked.
He still had his arms around me.
"I don’t think this is such a good idea."
"Why?"
I shrugged.  "Well, we hardly know each other.  And you won’t be here for ---."
"It’s just a kiss," he interrupted.   "We were just kissing.  I’ve been wanting to kiss you for while now."
I moved out of his embrace and nodded.  "Well, I just don’t feel comfortable."
He nodded.  "Okay.  Oh, I get it, I guess I just remind you too much of your little cousin."
I shook my head.  "You’re nothing like him."
 
 

"Do I drive home?" I asked before backing out of the parking space at the amusement park.  It was already dark.  "Want to go back to Las Cruces?"
He leaned against the head rest.  "I," he began.  "I don’t want to go back yet.  I should, but I don’t want to."
I nodded.  "Okay, honey. What do I do?"
He lifted his eyes to me and smiled.  I touched his soft cheek, and he leaned into my hand as he had at the mall.  He took my hand and slowly started to kiss my palm then my fingers one at time.
I watched him, his cherubic mouth curling itself around my fingers.  He looked up at me and smiled.
He put my hand down and moved closer to me.  I hesitated.  I knew this was wrong.  He was so young.  He was famous.  He was lonely.
But I was lonely too.
We kissed again for awhile.  This time, he wasn’t so tentative.  He kissed my mouth more passionately, exploring it with his tongue.  He wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me so close there was no more space between us.  I felt lost in the moment.  The very idea of having someone so close had become almost foreign to me.  I gave myself up to these feelings of loneliness and desire.
He was so gentle, yet so sexy.  He seemed to give up every kiss hoping just to please me.  He didn’t have to.  I was happy just being close to him.
He caressed my hair and twirled the ends of it around his fingers.  I kissed his chin and pulled away.  He stayed close to me, still holding on.  I felt him rest his head on mine.
"I’ve never felt this way," he said.
I listened to heart beat against his chest.  It didn’t matter that he could be lying or that I really didn’t know him.  I knew I’d never live another day like this again.
I smiled.  "Neither have I.  It’s never been this easy to be close to someone."
"That’s not what I meant," he said. "I’ve never felt accepted like this.  You know I’m younger than you.  You know that I come a different place, yet you’ve never questioned me.  You’ve taken everything I said and believed it.  I’ve never had anyone trust so faithfully in me.  Usually, everyone doubts me because I’m young.  They say I’m inexperienced."
"That’s because you are young and inexperienced.  You will learn everything you need to know with time."
"I think I know a lot now.  I know that I will make mistakes.  I know that I’m not perfect.  But I know that I have lived lots of things already.  I would like people to trust me and not keep reminding me that I’m so young.  It makes me feel stupid," he said seriously.
I sat up so I could look up at him.  His eyes seemed dark, his expression troubled.  It was a strange look on his bright face.
I took his face into my hands.   "You are not stupid.  You’re insightful and funny.  But, honey, you’re young.  This is inevitable.  Older people don’t trust you because you have a lot to learn.  Look at you.  You ran away from your uncle’s house, ended up in another town, drunk, in a gay bar--."
He backed away from me to stop me.  "I know, Elisa.  I know I screwed up.  I’m just looking for a little freedom."  He took my hand again.  "I want acceptance.  I want to be accepted for who I am, right now.  I don’t want to wait another three or five years.  I don’t always run away.  I’m responsible at school.  I keep my end of every deal.  I keep my parents happy.   But I need more.  I’m not a typical eighteen year old.  I have plans, things I want to do, places I want to go, but because of . . . of," he stopped, took and deep breath, then continued.  "Because of where I am in my life, because of how old I am, I can’t."
I sucked in air and watched him.  I hadn’t seen him like that all day.  He was almost angry, yet very sad.
"It makes me feel like no one understands," he said softly.  "And when no one understands, it means that they don’t care.  Or they don’t take the time to understand and to care.  Here I’ve known you for a day, and you’ve trusted me and listened to me, even confided in me.  The people I know never take that much time with me.  They all have their own best friends, or other people to spend time with.  No one at school cares enough to sit down with me and ask what’s wrong.  Sometimes I feel like I could disappear or die," he gulped.  "And it wouldn’t make a difference in their lives."
I moved even closer to him.  "Honey, don’t say that.  If people at school don’t treat you the way you want them to, your family does.  You told me that you were close to your family. "
He shook his head.  "I spend more time in school.  I hate school.  I hate being looked at the way they look at me.  Maybe I have a few things over them, but they get more respect than I could ever get.  If you’re right, and the guys are jealous of me, why are they happier than me?" he asked, his soft voice cracking slightly.  "Why are they the ones with the great girlfriends, throwing these huge parties and being the center of attention."
"Girls, parties and attention, Nick?  Is that what’s important in the end?  Is that what really makes you this upset?"  I asked searching his face.
He shook his head and didn’t answer for while.  He held my hand tightly and took a deep breath.
"I," he began slowly.  "I just want them, or one of them, to be my friend.  I want someone to go to the mall with, to talk to, to confide in, like I have with you today.  I don’t have that there.  This is the first time, with you, that I have felt completely accepted."
And there it was.  He was just like me.  He was looking for friendship in a world suffering from a huge shortage.
I pulled him into my arms and held him as tightly as I could.  He sank into this little ball against my chest.  He seemed so tall, and strong, yet so weak and vulnerable.   He didn’t weep any more than I had.  He just covered his face with my hand intertwined in his and closed his beautiful eyes.
I let him stay that way for awhile.  He needed to let go of all that sadness.
Suddenly, he sat up.  "I would like to do one more thing before I go back."
I wiped his moist face and cleared the stray strands of golden hair from him face.
"Sure honey, whatever."
He smiled.  "I like it when you call  me that.  El Paso is still Texas, right?"
I nodded, "Yeah.  Well, we like to think so.  Why?"
"Well, I’ve always wanted to learn to dance country music.  Do you know how?"
I laughed.  "Do I?  My exboyfriend and I used to compete in two step contests.  You really want to dance country?"
He nodded, eyes shining with that familiar light.  "Yeah."
I started the car.  "Let me change.  I’ll take you to Grahams."
 

I quickly changed my country dancing clothes, jeans, boots and a white blouse.   When I ran back out, he had put on another one of his new shirts.
"I don’t have cowboy boots," he said almost apologetically.
"It’s okay.  No one will notice with those baggy jeans.  Let’s go."
"How will I get in?  Is it 21 and over?"
"Yup," I told him.  "It is.  But this time, I know the door guy.  I told you I used to compete in the dance contests there.  They’ll let you in, come on."
Laura’s truck was in the driveway, but I hadn’t seen her in the house.  She was probably in the cellar developing the pictures.
When we climbed into my car, I noticed he had thrown his clothes into the back seat.
 

Grahams was one of those multi-club places.  They have a dance club, a country/tejano club, a kareoke club and a retro club.  It was Sunday night, and few people even went out.  There were always a few drunken regulars, but the club complex was practically ours.
I pulled him all the way up to the door.  My friend Johnny yelled out when he saw us.
"Ellie!" he called. "Oh my God, it’s nice to see you.  Where have you been?"
I hugged him tightly.  "I’ve been staying away.  But my friend here is from out of town, so I decided to bring him dancing."
He eyed Nick.  "Is he going to be able to keep up with you?"
I laughed.  "I’m out of practice, so probably.  What’s new here?"
He shrugged.  "Nothing is ever new here.  Your buddy Daniel comes in a lot, but acts like he doesn’t know me anymore."
"Daniel?  Well, what a surprise.  Listen, Nick’s not 21 yet.  But we’re not going to drink or anything.  Just dance."
Johnny smirked.  "Robbing the cradle, Ellie?  Each time I have less of a chance with you."
I just laughed.  "C’mon Johnny.  We’ll be good. I promise."
He shrugged.  "Anything for you Ellie.  Just dance with me later.  Okay?"
I nodded.  "Okay."
He shook Nick’s hand as we went in.  "Have a good time, son."
Nick half-smiled at him.  "Yeah, thanks."
I grabbed his hand and pulled him inside.
"He called me son," Nick protested.  "Did you hear him?"
"Forget it.  Come on."
The country music boomed around us.  One of the bartenders I used to know waved at me.   I waved back.
Nick laughed.  "Boy, you know everyone at this bar."
"I used to come here a lot with a lot with Daniel.  We used to drink and dance the night away.  These people see me coming, and they think they’re up for a big tip."
Nick laughed again then stopped because he realized I was serious.
"Sorry," he said.
We stood at the edge of the round dance floor and watched half a dozen couples dancing around.  They were playing country ballads, so everyone swayed easily and romantically.  Nick was smiling soaking it all in.
"It doesn’t look that hard," he said.  "So you used to compete in here?"
I nodded.  "They used to let in eighteen and over on Sundays for the competitions.  My ex, Alex, and I loved to dance country, and we were good too.  Well, he was good.  I was just good at following him.  We won the contest for about a month straight.  We had to dance a slow song like this, a fast one and a line dance.  We used to practice all the time.  It was fun.  I don’t think they even have the contest anymore."
"What happened to Alex?"
I shrugged.  "He fell in love with someone else.  Do you want to do this or what?"
He nodded, "Okay.  Okay, just tell me what to do."
We stood on the edge of the dance floor so that the other couples wouldn’t run over us.  I put his right hand around my waist and held his left hand up with mine.
He smiled.  "I like this already."
"Okay honey, we’re doing a two-step and it has an easy count.  You’re going to walk forward, and I’m going to walk backward.  Count to yourself: one, one two, one, one two.  It’s that easy."  I positioned myself to go backward.  "Just follow me.  Watch my feet if you have to.  Ready?"
He nodded looking down at my feet already.  "Ready."
"One.  One, two," I counted as I slowly stepped backward.  "One. One, two."
He repeated after me and watched my feet as he stepped forward.
We went around the entire floor twice when I stopped counting.
"One.  One, two," he continued.  "One.  One, two.  This is easy."
On that cue, I sped up a little and made it a point to sway along with the music.  It’s what always won the contests for Alex and me.  We both swung our hips harder than anyone else.
Nick laughed.  "Okay.  Faster, huh?"  He kept up easily enough, still counting.
We danced through about three easy, slow songs, when they started to play the faster ones.
"Oh, oh," Nick said.
I didn’t let go of him.  "Hang on."
I traded places with him so I could lead and pulled him along.  He was quick study and I was spinning under his arm in no time.  After the spin, he always had a hard time with the reposition, but it became easier with time.  After a few practice turns, I spun under his arm three times, traded places with him and spun him.
He was giggling, crouching down to fit under my short reach.
Just as the line dances began, I gave him a big hug.
"You’re good at this, honey."
He smiled, "Thank you.  I have to go to the bathroom."
I pointed.  "It’s over there.  I’ll get us some water."
We parted ways, and I went to my friend’s bar.
He hugged me.  "Hi Ellie, how are you?"
"Fine Robert.  You?"
"Still here," he said.  "I never see you anymore."
I just shrugged the familiar comment away.  "I guess I just don’t go out as much.  Can I get two waters?"
Robert smiled.  "Water?  Wow."
I eyed him.  "Don’t make fun of me.  I learned my lesson already.  Besides, my friend has to leave in a little while."
Robert served the waters and looked around.  "I saw Daniel here last night.  Actually, he’s always here.  I thought for sure he’d be here tonight."
I nodded.  "Johnny told me.  We don’t hang out anymore.  Hell, we don’t even talk."
"Sorry to hear that.  He’s always alone, though.  I always thought he was waiting for you."
I started to laugh.  "At this point Robert, he’d have to wait forever."
Nick joined us at the bar.  I introduced him to Robert and they made small talk for awhile.
Finally, the DJ went back to playing easy, country ballads.  I pulled Nick’s arm.
"Are you ready?"
He nodded finishing his water, "But you’ll have to review and be patient with me.  One.  One, two, right?"
I nodded.  "One.  One, two."
We were dancing easily in no time.  The beat stayed slow, so Nick held me close to him.  I leaned up against his warm chest and even closed my eyes.  Dancing was just too easy for him.  I felt him maneuver us through a few couples, almost flawlessly.  He wasn’t even counting out-loud anymore.
"Thank you," he said leaning down into my ear.  "No matter what happens the rest of the night, I have to tell you thank you for everything."
I pulled away from my place and looked up to him.  He had stopped shuffling his feet and was now looking down at me.
I reached up and kissed him on the cheek.
"Thank you, honey.  Thank you for listening to me,"  I said.
"Don’t thank me.  I love talking to you."
He pulled me a bit closer to him and started to dance again.  Right about then, the guilt hit me.  I had hung out with him under false pretenses.  I would even have pictures.  I hadn’t expected for us to end up talking the way we did and realizing how much we had in common.
This time, I stopped.
"Nick, there’s something I have to tell you," I said.
He looked down at me.  He stopped dancing for a second, then he continued.  "I don’t want to know."
"But Nick--."
"I don’t want to know anything that will change how I feel right now.  I don’t want to hear you say anything that will make this different.  Please, just leave things as they are."
I nodded.  "Okay honey.  Okay."
We continued dancing, but it wasn’t easy.  We both knew it was getting late, and he’d have to go back.  He’d already been gone more than twenty-four hours.
Our last song was Clay Walker’s "Watch This".  I knew every word to it.  Nick led me along the dance floor as I quietly sang each word hoping he’d understand.  The words to the song made more sense for the both of us than anything else in the world.
"I’ll show you love, like you dreamed of.  I’ve got so much to give.  Watch this," Clay sang as I echoed him.
Nick spun me twice and then made the best transition of the night.
"Don’t be afraid.  You’ll be amazed at all the ways that I can show you what you’ve missed.  Just close your eyes and watch this,"  Clay continued.
We both stopped when the song ended, but didn’t move away from each other.  I kept my face buried in his chest.  He leaned in as close to me as he could.  I had to let go.  It was time for him to go back.
A couple dancing by bumped us.
"Sorry," the guy called over his shoulder.
I took Nick’s hand into mine.  "Let’s go."
He followed me silently out of the club and to the car.  This time, I was the one holding his hand tightly.  He was looking up at the desert stars and not saying a word.
Still silently,  we got into my car.
"Do you know the way back?" I asked.
He shook his head.  "My uncle works at a hotel.  The Las Cruces Hilton.  You can just leave me there."
"What if he’s not even at work," I asked trying to keep up with the lies.
"He is," Nick said seriously.  "Just leave me there."
I drove across the I-10 all the way to Las Cruces.  Angunn was playing on the radio.  Nick didn’t make a move to change it.  He just slid over next to me and rested his head on my lap.  He curled up into a little ball and closed his eyes.  I caressed his soft hair and ran my finger down to his nose. Suddenly, he pulled my hand to his chest and just held it there, hugging it to himself.
I sucked in air.  God, I was going to miss him.  What was I going to do?
He didn’t say a word the whole way there.  He just clutched my hand tightly to himself like something bad would happen if he let go.
The Sunday night drive was quick and easy.  Because Cruces is such a small town, I was able to get downtown in no time.  The Hilton parking lot had a few people packing their cars up to leave the sleepy hotel.   I parked away from most them and looked down at Nick.  He looked asleep.  If I didn’t wake him and everyone else left town, we could be together.  We could both stop wishing for that friend that no one else wanted to be.
Who was I kidding?  He had another life.  He was too young.  He had a million things to do with himself.
"Honey, we’re here," I whispered.
"I know," he said, not moving.
I touched his hair with my free hand.  Finally, he sat up.  He looked over to the tall building and closed his eyes.
"I can’t believe I’m back here, Elisa.  I can’t believe this is what my destiny has become," he said.
"It’s okay.  You’ll be okay.  You’re a wonderful person.  That alone will carry you through everything else you have to do in this life.  You already have all of the tools you need.  You’re smart, you’re kind and if all else fails, you’ve got your looks, baby."
He almost laughed.  He took me into his arms and held me for a long time.  "It’s getting late, and I don’t want you driving home all alone past midnight.  I’m going to let you go.  I’m going to go inside all alone, and you’re going to go home, okay?"
"I can walk you inside.  What if your uncle isn’t there?" I began.
"He’s there.  I’m fine.  I just want you to know that I’ll never forget you Elisa.  This has been the best Sunday of my life."
"Mine too."
He took my face into his hands and left me with one last, long kiss.
He leaned his forehead on mine.  "Thank you.  Good bye."
I sucked back my tears.  "Thank you, honey.  Good bye."
He got his clothes from the back seat and stepped out of the car.  He didn’t look back as he walked across the parking lot.  He simply walked inside and disappeared.
 
 

When I drove to school alone early the next morning, I didn’t even have the heart to turn on the radio.  The car still smelled like Nick.  Laura had left an envelope on my backpack which I assumed would be the photographs.  I had no desire to look at them.
By 7AM I was sitting in front of a computer in the newspaper office thinking about how to write my story.  I had all of these juicy details:  lonely life on the road, Backstreet Boy feels blue, youngest Backstreet Boy feels left out.  But I knew there was no way I could write it.
It was nine before I knew it.  The screen was still blank, and I had to attend one of my education courses.  As I walked out of the office, I bumped in Garret.
"Good morning, Elisa.  How are you?"  he asked chipperly.
"Fine," I said.  "You?"
"Fine.  Actually great.  I’m going to be the only college newspaper editor to run a behind the scenes story on the Backstreet Boys.  Right?"
I looked him in the eye.  He wasn’t very tall.  He had olive skin and rich, brown hair.  His eyes were almond shape and light brown, almost hazel.
I shook my head.  "I’m sorry Garret.  I didn’t get the story."
He watched me for a second then touched my arm. "Are you okay?"
I nodded, feeling the tears form deep inside.  "I’m fine.  I just had a late night."
A smile broke his face.  "Partying on a Sunday?  Are you sure you don’t want to be a journalist any more?  We’re big drinkers."
"I’m late for class," I heard myself say. "Excuse me."
I was half way out of the building when he came up from behind.
"Elisa.  Wait.  Look, you want to go to this?"
He was holding a press pass in front of me.
"It’s to the Backstreet Boy’s conference at noon today.  They’re rescheduling the concert for tonight and want to give an explanation.  I think they’re going to donate some money to a Las Cruces children’s charity for making everybody wait.  You want to go?"
I was looking down at the pass.  It had a picture of the group on it.  Nick was smiling at the camera.
"Thanks Garret.  I’ll go.  But I didn’t think you’d want to run this in the paper."
He shrugged.  "Go see what you can find out.  It’ll be fun."
"Thanks," I said again and hurried to class.
By 10:30, I was on my way back to Las Cruces.  I knew the press conference would be packed, and I wanted to get a good seat.  Maybe, I would sit behind somebody, so I could see Nick, but he couldn’t see me.  He did tell me not to follow him, to leave him alone.  I didn’t plan on talking to him.  I just wanted to make sure that he was okay.  Besides, maybe there was a way I could get the pictures to him.
I looked at them while I was in the parking lot of the downtown Las Cruces Hilton.  There were pictures of Nick and me at the mall.  He was laughing while browsing through some men’s shirts.  There was another one of us sitting at the fountain and another of us walking to the car holding hands.  He was laughing or at least smiling in all of them.  I looked obviously older than him.  We were a strange pair.  He was tall, and I was short.  He had golden blond hair and mine was long and dark brown.  His skin was fair and rosy, mine was tan.
I laughed to myself as I flipped to some of us in line at the amusement park.  He was holding my hand in all of them, with a big grin on his face.  He was so beautiful.  I looked like fly next to him.
There was another one of us sitting on the picnic bench eating ice cream.  I cringed as I flipped to some of us kissing.  He had to lean pretty far over me for us to kiss because he was so tall. I shook my head thinking that maybe I should just leave.  Yesterday had been a very special day, and maybe I should just leave it at that.
I was still having doubts when I saw how many reporters were actually showing up for the conference.  It was going to be a packed house, and I could still him one last time.  Even if he didn’t see me.
I hurried inside the air conditioned building.  I had to show my pass about three times before they let me into the conference room.  Many of the reporters were young.  You could tell they were interns who were covering the story for reporters who deemed themselves too mature to cover a Backstreet Boys’ press conference.  Well, at least I would fit in.
I sat in the second row toward the inner aisle.  There were five microphones positioned on a long table.  The guys’ names were clearly printed on cards in front of the microphones.  Bottles of water and soda stood on either side of the cards.  By 11:30, the room was full.
They were unusually punctual, and there were no formal introductions.  The guys just walked out, took their spots while the photographers shot pictures of them.
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen," began Kevin Richardson.  "On behalf of the Backstreet Boys and our management I would like to extend a sincere apology to the people of Las Cruces, El Paso and Juarez for having postponed the concert two nights ago.  Our mate Nick here was indisposed, and we just couldn’t go on without him.  We thank you for your patience, and would like to further show our gratitude by making a donation $15,000 to the St. Jude’s Children’s hospital."
There were a few applause.
Kevin cleared his throat and continued.  "The concert will be rescheduled for tonight.  All tickets will be honored.  For those people who cannot attend or do not want to attend, we will offer a complete refund.  Please accept our deepest apologies for any inconvenience that this has caused.  As you know, it has been beyond our control."
I had been watching Nick.  He kept his eyes on the table and had flushed bright crimson when his name was mentioned.
"If there are any questions, we will answer them now."
"What will this change in dates mean to the rest of the tour?" someone asked.
Kevin sat up and made eye contact with the reporter.  "There will be no date changes.  We were to have two days off between here and our next show in Dallas, but we’ll just play Dallas tomorrow.  It is no problem."
"Nick, what was wrong?  Why were you indisposed?"
He didn’t look up, he just fiddled with the microphone in front of him.
"Nick wanted to taste the local cuisine and got a little carried away," AJ said.
"Yeah, he ate something that had him running for the bathroom instead of the border," Brian said with a chuckle.
Actually, everyone laughed, even Nick.  He looked up at the reporter with a huge, sincere smile on his face.
"I had a stomach virus from something I ate before coming here.  I thought I could make it through the show, but my stomach cramps were really bad," he said.
"Are you better now?" someone else asked.
"Yes, thank you," he said.  "I had some rest, and that’s what I really needed."
"You guys came off an exhaustive tour of Europe and embarked immediately on your current tour of the States.  With what happened to Nick, is there any fear of burn out or exhaustion?" someone asked.
"Oh no," said Howie.  "We’re all young, healthy and strong.  If you think about it, most people our age are loaded with things to do. They go to school, to work, volunteer somewhere, work out, spend time with their families.  It all adds up to the type activity we do.  They don’t get exhausted.  Why should we?  It’s not that different."
"Besides," Kevin continued.  "Our families are very involved in this tour, and we’re all friends, like brothers.  If someone is sick or just not feeling that great, we help each other out.  Nick wanted to go on the other night, but we had to talk him out of it.  He could have made himself really sick then."
Nick was back to looking at the table.  He pushed his hair out of his face and rubbed his hands together.
"Have you done any sight seeing on your down time?" was the next question.
"Oh yeah," AJ said.  "We went over the border the other day, and had a blast.  It must be so cool to live between two countries.  The atmosphere here is eclectic and full of energy.  If I weren’t doing what I am, I’d like to come to college in a place like this.  The pace is easy going, but you aren’t far away from everything that’s exciting."
"We also toured the historic missions," Kevin said. "And a couple of the guys went out to Hueco Tanks for the rock climbing.  Like AJ says, it’s a neat place to live."
The microphone was shoved into my hand.  My heart leapt, and I was about to pass it on, but Nick had seen me.  He was staring, his eyes wide like I was an apparition.
I swallowed hard then tried to smile.  "Nick, were you able to enjoy your stay here at all?"
He finally smiled and held me in his gaze for a really long time.  "Yeah," he said.  "If I had to be sick anywhere, I’m glad it was here.  The doctors were really good, and everyone was really cool.  I had a great view from my hotel room, and yesterday I got to go out and about a little," he shifted in his seat.  "The people are very nice here, you know?  They just talked to me and treated me special but not different.   Actually, because of this time I’ve had to rest and the people I have met here, this has been my favorite stop.  Being sick here was not bad at all."
I nodded at him, and he smiled again.
"Thank you," I said.
Someone took the microphone from my hands and the conference continued.
We looked at each other occasionally, but I noticed that he didn’t stare at the table so much.  He kept his head high and talked as easily as the other guys.  He was that bright, funny person I had spent all day with.
"We’d like to thank you folks for coming," Kevin said.  "We’ll be around for pictures for another ten minutes.  See you tonight."
The guys moved out from behind the table and into the crowd.  At first, I stayed in my seat too afraid to go anywhere near Nick and give everything away.  Then, I swallowed hard, armed myself with courage and dug out the photographs.  The guys were milling around from reporter to reporter, posing together and individually.  I had lost track of Nick in the crowd when someone touched my arm.
"Thanks for coming," he whispered.  "I wanted to see you before I left."
"I wanted to give you these," I said.  "I had this stupid idea when I saw who you were, but then," I stopped and handed him the pictures.  "Then I really realized who you were."
He looked at me confused, then smiled stuffing the envelope in his back pocket.  "Okay. I’ll figure out what that means when I see them."
I smiled up at him to look at his beautiful eyes up close one last time.  The guys were gathering back up on the stage and began shooting strange looks out way.
"I’d better go," he said.
I nodded.  "Bye."
He touched my arm as he walked away without looking back. "Good-bye," I heard him say.

Not quite twelve months later, I was sitting in the El Paso airport waiting for Garret to check in.  His flight to Dallas left in about an hour.  It was Friday afternoon and he was supposed to be gone until Sunday.
I took a deep breath.  I was always doing this.  I was always saying good-bye to people who meant something to me.
"I’m set," he said coming back.
I tried to smile.
He touched my hair and gave me small kiss.
"It’s just a job interview.  They probably won’t even give it to me, Ellie," he said.
"They’ll give you the job.  I want you to get that job," I said knowing damn well I was lying.
"If I get it, baby, you can come to Dallas.  You can find a teaching position there."
"Um, I’ll think about it," I said with a slight shrug.
He tried to conceal the fact that he didn’t like my response, but I caught him rolling his eyes.  "Look, I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s just see how the interview goes.  What are you doing while I’m gone?"
"Nothing.  I have to prepare for my EXCET exams."
"Why don’t you go out with your sister?" he asked.
"To the clubs?  No.  I don’t think I could go back to the club thing."
"Well, you two can go to a movie or something. I don’t want you sitting around at home all the time.  My friend Pedro is meeting me in Dallas, and we’re going to go out.  I’ll feel bad if you don’t have any fun."
I gave him a look and mussed his short, chocolate brown hair.  "Well, just don’t have too much fun."  I kept my hand at the back of his neck.
We were quiet for a few minutes watching the gate fill up.  Airports depressed me.  I hated saying good-bye to people, and now I was surrounded.
Suddenly, Garret pulled me into his arms.
"I’m going to call you as soon as I get there, and I’m going to miss you every minute, Elisa Vasquez," he said into my ear.
"I’ll miss you too," I said and pulled away from him.  "But Garret ..." I started then changed my mind.  I wanted to tell him that I had no intention of moving to Dallas if he got the job, but it wasn’t the right time.
"What baby?"
"Nothing.  Just make sure you show them how great you are."
He smiled.  Garret was different from the former men in my life in that he was a man.  He was smart, honest, responsible, loyal, strong and hard-working.  He didn’t drink and hated the entire club scene.  He spent his late teens and early twenties writing for every publication in El Paso instead of frequenting the night spots like everyone else.  He was only 23 but already poised to write for a major Texas newspaper after having spent his senior year writing for the El Paso Times.
We’d only been together for six months, and I had struggled hard not to get close to him.  He possessed many of the qualities that I admired in others but always found lacking in myself, so it had should have been easy to fall in love with him.  But I fought hard, holding on to the knowledge that he was not meant to stay in El Paso.  And he was not the man for me. I wanted spend time with him just to avoid being lonely.  Ultimately, I knew he’d end up walking away just like everyone else.
We heard the call for the first group of passengers for Garret’s flight.
"That’s me, baby," he said standing up.
I followed him to the gate.
"Have fun while I’m gone.  And I’ll call you, okay?"
I nodded and hugged him.  He smelled of the cologne I’d given him for Christmas.   "Okay.  Good luck, though you don’t need it."
He smiled and kissed me again.  "Thanks.  Bye."
I let go of him. "Good-bye."
I watched him disappear into the tunnel then walked away.  I didn’t want to watch the plane take off.
 

Laura hadn’t wanted to go out with me.  She was seeing someone and decided to go out with him.  I planned to stay home, but just as Jay Leno came on, I was overcome by this urge to go out.  I hurried into my clubbing clothes and grabbed my car keys.
When I walked in, the OP was still relatively empty.  It’s really more of an after hours place, but there were some people dancing.  For the first time, I felt uneasy walking in alone.  I guess it had never intimidated me before because I always had friends.  Ever since Garret, I hadn’t stepped foot in a club, so I wasn’t even sure I knew anyone anymore.
I hadn’t drank in those six months either, but just being back in the club brought back the urge.   So, I headed to the bar, ordered a Zima with lime and settled into an empty stool.
I was working on my second drink when someone touched my shoulder.
"Want to dance?"
I looked up to find a tall, dark haired guy.
"No thanks," I said not even giving it any thought.
He walked away.
The dance floor filled up quickly.  It was barely midnight, but I guess people had taken to enjoying the OP before the other clubs closed.  The music throbbed through the crowd as I watched people walking by and eyeing each other.  The girls looked younger than me.  They dressed much younger than me, and I was wearing such a short skirt that I was glad my mom wasn’t around to see it.
I sucked in air and looked around. I didn’t belong here anymore.  My friends weren’t here, and somehow, I just couldn’t stop thinking about Garret.  What was he doing?  Who was he with?  Was he really thinking about me?  He called as soon as he arrived as he had promised.  Pedro had shown up early and was going to show him around Dallas.  Crazy doubts entered my head when he said that.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him.  Maybe, I just really missed him.
I ordered another drink but ended up just looking at it.  I didn’t want to get drunk by myself.  That would be pathetic.  I toyed with the bottle and looked around.  I needed a cigarette but was too lazy to get up and go to the bathroom.
"Will you dance with me?"
I looked up and touched the guy’s arm.  "No thanks."
"Well, are you waiting for somebody?"
"Yeah, my boyfriend will be right back."
He shrugged.  "Okay."
Two minutes later, he was dancing with someone else in a skirt even shorter than mine.
Out of nowhere, I felt somebody touch my hair.  Instinctively, I pushed the hand away.  When I turned around, I found some guy trying to keep his balance behind me.
"Sorry, it just looked so soft," he said with a big smile on his face.
I eyed him.
"Do you want to dance?" he asked.
I shook my head.  "No."
He took a step closer to me and looked like he was about to say something when someone settled into the stool next to mine and bumped me kind of hard.
"Well, there you are.  I thought for sure I wouldn’t be able to find you."
I turned to find Nick sitting next to me.  He was smiling wearing a ribbed, baby blue V-neck jersey that made his eyes bluer than I even remembered them.  He hair was shorter, and he looked taller, if that was possible.  His face was noticeably thinner, and he looked grown.
My jaw must have dropped because he started laughing.
I jumped out of the stool and into his arms.
"Nick!  Nick!  Oh my God!"
He was holding me tightly to himself.  I could hear him laughing into my hair.
"Hello Elisa.  I guess you’re happy to see me?"
I pulled away and then embraced him again.  I didn’t have words to describe what I was feeling.
When I was finally able to let him go all I could do was stare at him. There was a different air about him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked finally finding my voice.
"Well, that’s a long story that I’ll have to tell you very soon.  The truth is here that I live here now."
I don’t think I could have looked more shocked than I did when I first saw him, but those words sent me reeling.
"What?" I asked.
He nodded and took my hand into his.  "It’s a long story.  Are you here by yourself?  I was watching you for about twenty minutes, and I was wondering if they hired you to come turn guys down and keep them humble."
I smacked his arm.  "Twenty minutes?  And you barely came to talk to me now?"
He shrugged and jerked his thumb toward the drunk guy who had stumbled off.  "You looked like you needed rescuing."
I was back to just staring at him.  I wanted to pinch myself to make sure I was awake.  Just feeling my hand inside of his familiar, large, warm one was enough assure me that this was not a fantasy.
He repeated his question.  "So are you here alone?"
I laughed and finally nodded.  "My sister had a date."
He looked around.  "Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m about ready for some food.  And maybe we can finally go catch up.  Are you hungry?"
"Sure," I said.  "Lets go."
We left my car at the club and climbed into his huge Durango.  I didn’t even have to tell him where to go.  He drove us to the nearest Village Inn holding my hand the entire way.
"So, how are you?" he asked after we ordered.
"Fine," I said tentatively.  "I’m fine.  You?"
He nodded and smirked.  "Fine."
I bit my tongue to stop myself from bombarding him with questions.
"You look good," he said.
I pulled at my short skirt trying to make it longer.  "Think I carry off the hootchie look well?"  I asked.  "Thanks."
"You don’t look like a hootchie.  You never could, even you tried. And believe me because I have seen many of them," he said seriously.  "I think you look great."
I smiled at him.  "Not as great as you do, honey.  So, are you ever going to tell me what you’re doing living in El Paso, Texas?"
He sat up.  "Short version?  I left the group.  You didn’t know?"
I shook my head.  "What?  Why?"
"Same reasons I left the first time, when I met you.  I just wasn’t happy.  I can’t believe you didn’t know.  Don’t you watch MTV?"
"Not since the last time I saw you here.  I’ve been finishing up my degree and preparing to look for a job.  I’m hardly ever home anymore,"  I said purposely leaving Garret out of the conversation.
"Well, it was kind of a big deal," he bit his lip. "They even had a special report.  When I first left, I just wanted to be alone and live that normal life I was always talking to you about.  I tried it out in Tampa, but it was too hard.  Everyone knew where I was all the time.  Press and fans everywhere.  It was like being in the group still.  So, I remembered what a good time I had here and decided to try making it my home.  I guess I’ve been here about three months now."
"Three months?  And you never called me."
"I don’t have your phone number.  I was very drunk when you took me to your house remember?  So I have no idea how to get there.  I thought I’d bump into you at the clubs, but you were never there."
"I don’t go out to clubs anymore," I said looking down at the table.
"Well, I haven’t been out that much either.  I enrolled at NMSU, so I drive out there everyday."
"You’re in college?  Really?  What are you studying?"
"Computer Engineering.  It’s tough.  I had a tutor and never went to high school.  It’s tough adjusting to sitting in a classroom without individual attention.  I’m doing okay though.  I have a house on the west side, and I’ve made a few friends.  They don’t know who I am.  I mean, who I was.  Here, I used to think I was famous."
I smiled at him.  "You are famous.  It’s just that you don’t act like it."
He sat back and crossed his arms.  "It’s been good though, Elisa.  I’m enjoying being on my own.  I come and go as I please.  I do whatever I want."  He chuckled.  "You know, at first I didn’t know what to do with myself, so I got a job at the mall.  I hated it.  It was boring work.  But it was funny because all of the young girls would come through my line just to look at me.  Sometimes they asked me if I was Nick from the Backstreet Boys.  I usually denied it, but sometimes I just said yes for the hell of it.  When I said yes, they didn’t believe me.  When I said no, they kept coming back and asking me.  Who understands them?"  He looked down.  "I do miss that, though.  I was always up for attention and affection.  It’s sweet when girls tell you that they love you."
"Are you working anywhere now?"
He shook his head.  "I gave that up pretty quickly.  I just wanted something to do.  So, I volunteer at this nursing home and at a children’s hospital in Las Cruces.  It’s funny, they have a picture of me and the guys up in the lobby from last year.  Remember when we donated the money?  And no one has made the connection.  I guess they’re just happy to have someone who will actually help."
I was at a loss for words.  The truth was that after he left, I avoided anything that any semblance to the Backstreet Boys.  It was just too painful to see him.  Not much later, Garret came into my life in this new facet, and I put my time with Nick behind me.
He sat up and leaned across the table a little bit to me.  "I’m glad I finally bumped into you, though.  I thought I never would.  Thanks for the pictures.  I still have them."
My pulse quickened.  I had to clear my throat.  "You’re welcome.  I’m sorry, Nick.  I didn’t--."
He shook his head.  "Don’t apologize.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  And I was glad to have a picture of you to keep.  I would look at them whenever I started feeling restless.  Thanks for never doing anything with them."
"Oh, I couldn’t--."
"I know," he said.  "But I understand how things started out that way."
Our food came, and we both settled down to eat.  I kept stealing glances at him just to make sure he wasn’t an apparition.  He was eating hungrily.  That hadn’t changed.
I waited until he had a big bite in his mouth to get back at him for reminding me of the photographs.
"So, how’s boarding school?" I asked.
His eyes widened.  He gulped back his food, then sipped his soda.
"What?"
I sat up.  "Boarding school?  You know, stuffy school for boys in Maryland?"
He laughed.  "Oh my God, give me break.  I was hung over.  I couldn’t think of a better story.  When did you know who I was?"
"That morning.  I was supposed to be in Las Cruces reviewing the concert instead of at the OP --."
"Rescuing me."
"Yeah," I said. "Thanks for returning the favor today.  But anyway, I was talking to the newspaper editor because he wanted to know where my review was.  He knew there was no concert.  He just wanted to catch me in the lie.  Then, one of the videos came on TV, and I recognized you."
"From the beginning?"
I nodded.  "From the beginning."
He shook his head.  "Oh!  You just should have told me.  I lied up at down to you.  Well, not about everything."
I was back to admiring him.  I doubt I had ever seen anyone so perfect and at ease with himself.
"What?" he asked looking momentarily uncomfortable.
"Nothing.  You just look great."
He blushed.
The conversation moved to more mundane things.  I told him about how I was about to graduate in May.  I was preparing for the state certification exams and starting to look for a job.  Nick was happily spending his time buying furniture in Mexican curio shops.  He really liked going to school even though it was hard for him to sit still and do the homework.  That was understandable.  He was always full of energy.
We were walking to the Durango when he stopped, looked up at the starry sky and took a deep breath.
"What?" I asked him.
He shook his head.  "Nothing.  I’m just feeling at home.  Do you want to go see my house?" he asked.
I knew it was late, but I couldn’t resist.  "Sure."
We drove farther west into the well to do El Paso neighborhoods where all of the houses were beautiful and well-kept.  I was silent the entire ride just listening to him hum along with the radio and chat idly about whatever crossed his path.
"I have nothing to do with the outside," he said of the two story house surrounded by trees, shrubs and rosebushes as we stepped out of the truck.  "Some guys come and do the yard.  I know I told you that I always liked doing around the house stuff, but not the yard.  I hate doing the yard.  So," he said as he unlocked the door and punched in a security code.  "I worry more about what is inside the house.  And don’t expect much because I like so many different things, it just doesn’t seem to gel."
He let go of my hand for the first time the whole night as he let me in.  When he turned on the light, I was met by chaos, beauty, youth, class, energy and fun all of which amounted to Nick.  I recognized prints from Mexican artists he had probably purchased across the border, posters of Japanese animes and family pictures all over the walls.  The furniture was standard, huge screen TV, large and comfortable couch, coffee table full of art books, and funky lamps.  However, he included some antique-looking wooden chairs and tables.
He watched me as I walked around slowly taking it all in.
"Well?" he asked hopefully.
"It’s great, honey.  I can’t believe you have all of this stuff, this different stuff."
He laughed.  "It looks messy, huh?"
I shook my head.  "It looks like you."
He rolled his eyes.  "Then it’s a mess.  Want something to drink?  Water?  Coke?"
"Water sounds good."
He kicked off his shoes and disappeared into the kitchen.  I was drawn to a collection of 4 x 7 framed photographs above the chimney.  I recognized what looked like family members:  cute kids with huge, friendly smiles.  There were two or three pictures of him with his mom and dad.  Off in the corner there was a picture of us sitting in on the fountain at the mall.  We were both looking at the floor and looked like the most depressed people in the world.
"I like that one," he said startling me.  "It reminds me of everything I was feeling that day."
I rolled my eyes as he handed me large glass of water.  "Why would you want to remember how depressed we were?"
He shook his head.  "I don’t look at it that way.  It was just the moment we started to connect."  He looked at the picture then at me.  "You’ve cut your hair."
"Just a little. So have you."
He nodded and pulled me to the couch.  "Let’s sit down."
For the first time the whole evening, there was  a strange silence between us.  I don’t even remember that happening the first time we hung out.  We always seemed to be talking about one thing or another.
"Your house is beautiful, Nick," I said.  "It’s amazing."
"Thanks.  I’ll give you the grand tour later.  Unless, you need to go home?"
I shook my head.  "No one is expecting me.  I live with my sister, remember?  Well, I don’t know if you remember."
"Not with you parents?  I don’t remember seeing them at all."
"Both my parents have passed away," I said quickly.
He covered his mouth.  "I’m sorry.  I didn’t know."
"It’s okay," I said to put him at ease.  "It’s actually been about five years for my mom and four for my dad.  She had cancer and died after a long, exhausting struggle. I think she died because she was tired more than because of the cancer.  She just lost the will to keep fighting.  My dad followed her not a year later.  He had a stroke.  I think he just couldn’t bare to be without her.  I like to think they’re together and happy.  Like they should be.  They left us the house, though.  Laura, my sister, and I live there, but I have two other sisters.  They’re married.  One lives in Austin and the other in east El Paso."
He was nodding.  "I’m very close to my parents, especially my mother.  I don’t know what I would do without her."
"You don’t hear a lot of people say that anymore."
Nick sat back.  "She’s amazing.  When I started doing the show business thing seriously, she dropped everything to be there for me.  She took me to every audition that I wanted.  She sat there and watched me, encouraged me, took care of me.  Got me all of the lessons I needed.  I used to see kids who would get dropped off at  auditions or singing or dancing lessons and picked up hours later.  Not my mom, she was always there. She had to be sure that I was safe."
"Well, she’s smart then.  Kids get taken advantage of all the time."
He nodded.  "We had a safe word.  I got to pick it.  If I ever said ‘terrified’ to her, she was supposed to drop everything and get me out of wherever I was.  I always felt like I was in control of the situation then.  Well, up until I started getting restless last year."
I sat back to watch him as he spoke.  It was hard to find the insecure kid I had met inside of the confident man that sat next to me, but he still lingered behind Nick’s eyes.  He smiled and put his hand out to me. I put my hand into his as he squeezed tightly.
"That’s when you started running off?"
He nodded.  "I was just so tired.  It was always my idea to get into singing.  I wanted to sing, act, dance, walk upside down, anything to get attention.  Then, when things were going great with the group, I started getting his empty feeling right here," he said pointing at his flat stomach with his other hand.  "I felt so lonely.  The guys," he hesitated.  "The other guys are great.  But I just don’t think they really had any interest in me as person.  Don’t get me wrong, we got along and everything.  But since they’re older, they didn’t think I saw things the way they did.  I was always left out of clubbing because I was too young. I couldn’t go out with them when they took out their girlfriends because I didn’t have one.  I just couldn’t relate to them.  I was only happy when I was onstage.  When I sang, and people cheered for me, I was happier than I had ever been.
"After the shows, in the hotels or while we traveled, I felt so alone," he continued.  "I would play my video games, and they’d just ignore me.  I think they thought I really enjoyed those stupid games.  In reality, I was just giving them the excuse they needed to leave me alone.  I was feeling guilty for joining the group and making commitments I didn’t want to keep anymore and for dragging practically my whole family in with me.  They would go on tour with us and put off everything they had to do in their lives just to be with me. But they all really liked the guys and thought I was so happy.  But when my family wasn’t around, I was felt empty all the time.  When I started running off, as you put it, the guys would get so annoyed with me.  But no one asked me why.  That Sunday night I went back to Las Cruces, they acted like nothing had even happened. No one told me we were going to lie and say I was sick with diarrhea," he said trying to suppress a chuckle.  "Man, they always had to get back at me.  I swear, I was embarrassed."
"You blushed," I reminded him. "But no one talked to you about it?  Asked you where you were?"
He shook his head.  "Nope.  I put up with it, the loneliness, for a few more months, then I started getting these rashes.  I would get big blotchy red things on my arms that itched all the time.  The doctor said it wasn’t an infection, but gave me medicine anyway.  It didn’t help.  I was still scratching, then the rashes started bleeding."
"What was it?"
He half laughed almost bitterly.  "Anxiety.  I was so depressed and tired and frustrated that I started to break out.  I was just that unhappy."
I just shook my head in disbelief.
"In the middle of the tour, I called my mom and told her I was ‘terrified.’  She dropped the phone, I swear.  But she came to Los Angeles to talk to me.  I just broke down.  I told her the whole story, about how I was unhappy, about what had happened here, about the rashes, everything.  She asked me point blank if I wanted to get out.  It was the hardest question I ever had to answer, but I knew deep down inside I didn’t have a choice.  She had the lawyers getting me out of the group in no time.  It was a big deal.  I mean, they were going to sue us and everything.  But my mom had all of that covered.  She had studied every word of my contract to make sure I had an out.  And I did.  I was out so fast that I didn’t even say good-bye to anyone or even to get my stuff off the bus.  They must think I hate them."
"But you’re happy now?"
He looked at me.  "You have no idea.  I love my life.  I love the independence, the freedom even the responsibility.  I just...," he trailed off.
"What?"
"To get out of the contract, I had to agree not to sing.  For three years, what was left of my contract, I can’t sing.  Just in the shower, I guess."
I held his hand tighter into mine and leaned on his shoulder.
"I’m sorry, honey.  I guess that’s a big deal to you, huh?"
He sighed.  "It’s what I miss.  I miss it so much.  But hey, my rashes are gone, and I have my house and my family," he turned to me. "And now you."
I looked at him.  He had only gotten more attractive, more sexy.  I forced myself to turn away.
"Well, I’m glad to be here," I said.
"You’re nervous," he said with a laugh.  "Why?"
"I’m not nervous."
"Yes you are.  Look at me."
I turned to face him again.  He made a pouty mouth at me and brushed his lips with mine.
"I’m nineteen now," he said, his mouth poised at my lips.
"I’m twenty-five," I said.
"Darn!  You aged a year too," I heard the smile in his voice though I had closed my eyes.  "It’s just a number."
My heart pounded and I felt my palms get cold.  I fought my body’s every urge to sink into his mouth and pulled myself away thinking about Garret.
I stood up.  "Yeah, well, it’s not just the age thing anymore, Nick."
He reached up to pull me back but ended up bumping my hip instead.  The contact was electric, but I moved away.
"I’m sorry," he said startled.  "Sit down. What’s wrong?"
I sat down on the coffee table instead of next to him because it was so difficult to be close to him.  I must have looked flustered and confused because he kept searching my face.  He took my hand back.
"What?" he asked again.  "Tell me."
"I have a boyfriend now," I spat out taking my hand away from him. "Things aren’t the same."
His face changed.  The concern left his eyes, and he brightened back up.  He smiled that easy smile I was so used to seeing plastered on his face.
"Boyfriend?  Then what were you doing at the OP?"
"He’s out of town.  He’s in Dallas for the weekend for this job interview.  He’ll probably get it, the asshole, and just leave me here."
Nick chuckled at my expletive then nodded.  "Do you really love this guy?"
"I really like him, Nick, I do.  But love is a big word and I don’t throw it around easily.  If we were together longer, I could definitely love him."
He nodded.  His hand reached up for my hair, but I pulled away.
"Don’t," I said.
He gave me a hurt look.
"This is hard for me," I told him.  "I want to do the right thing by Garret.  He’s not here, but I am his girlfriend.  Yet you’re here, and being close to you is the most difficult thing I have done since I let go of you the first time,"  I took a deep breath and chose the honest approach.  "I want to kiss you.  I want to be close to you, but I can’t.  It’s bad enough that I’ve been so stupid in the past, that I’m not going to make it worse now.  Even if there was no Garret, I don’t know if I could."
"Because of the age thing?  We’re back to the numbers," he said dryly.
I rubbed my temples.  I didn’t want to argue with him, not just when we had found each other again.
"Look, I respect that you have boyfriend.  I’m glad you do.  I’m glad you decided to take a chance on someone.  He might and he might not get that job. There is nothing you can do about that right now.  But," he said leaning closer to me.  "We are here.  I have waited an entire year to see you again, talk to you, tell you how things were better for me.  And thank you over and over for hearing me out when no one else would.  Not just to kiss you.  This isn’t about my physical urges," he laughed.  "Or yours for that matter, but I’m glad you like me.  But weren’t we both looking for friends last year?  Isn’t that what we found that day?" he asked pointing at the photographs.
I nodded, not having any idea what to say.
"Yeah," I said still searching for words.  "More than anything, I still want a friend."
He put his arms out to me.  I crawled into the safest, most comfortable place in the world:  leaning up against Nick’s warm chest and inside strong embrace.
He swept my hair out of my face.
"Close your eyes," he said softly.  "Just close them.  You’re here with me.  Everything’s okay."
 
 

I didn’t know where I was the next morning when I opened my eyes.  It was the scariest feeling in the world that I had promised myself I would never feel again, but slowly enough, I remembered.  I was with Nick.
My shoulder was sore from the weight of his arm.  I tried to sit up slowly, praying that I hadn’t drooled on him.
"Good morning sleepy head," he said.
I sat all the way up.  "I’m sorry.  I fell asleep on you."
"It’s okay," he said turning the TV off.  It had been on so soft, I hadn’t heard it.  "I fell asleep too."
"What time is it?"
"Almost ten.  We must have fallen asleep close to four in the morning."
I was trying to wipe the sleep out of my eyes, straighten my clothes and fix my hair.  Of course, he looked perfect.  He chuckled watching me then stopped my hands.
"Stop it, you look great.  Wanna use the bathroom?" he asked.
I nodded.
I followed him up the stairs to a huge, white immaculate bathroom.
"You can shower if you want.  I can get you a T-shirt and some boxers," he was saying as he walked back to his bedroom.  "I have socks too," I heard him say.  "But they’re probably too big for you.  I just bought a toothbrush, and you can have it," he came back into the room and handed me everything in a neat bundle.
I was still sleepy and confused.  It struck me that we had already been in this situation but the other way around.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked.
I just nodded.
"Want some coffee?  I don’t drink it, but I have a coffee maker."
"Sure, honey.  Thanks."
He made his way out.  "Okay, shout if you need anything.  Someone to scrub your back or anything else." I heard him trail off.
I hurried to shower and had to quickly evaluate my situation.  I had resisted kissing him, but it had been damn hard.  It was probably best to cut my losses and leave him alone for good.  He was just too tempting, to easy to be with, and I cared about him too much.  I still had Garret to contend with.  In my past relationships, I had been many things, but never unfaithful.  His interview was scheduled for two o’clock Dallas time which would be one El Paso time.  He probably didn’t call again, but if he had, I hadn’t been there.  It would be easy enough to lie and say I’d slept in so late that I didn’t even hear the phone ring.
I bothered me to be planning to lie to him.  I knew I was already walking down the wrong path.
By the time I got back downstairs the house smelled like coffee.  I found him making toast, already showered and dressed in jeans and a black T-shirt.  His hair looked damp.
"Well," he said.  "It’s not much, but it’s food."
"You didn’t have to," I said.
He finally looked up at me. "What?  And miss out on the opportunity to pay you back for feeding me that morning last year?  No way!  Hey, my clothes never look that good on me!"
I laughed and pulled up the boxers.  "They’re kind of long."
"Kind of?  It’s okay.  We’ll go get your car after we eat something.  I’m starved.  Sit down."
I sat down and touched my stomach.  "I’m still full from last night."
He put the coffee on the table and sat down next to me.  He busied himself slathering butter on the toast and making chocolate milk.  I wanted to laugh.  He was such a kid.
I probably should have left right then and there.  But he just had this effect on me that didn’t let me think straight.  Suddenly, whether Garret found me at home or not wasn’t  a big deal. Nick was making me toast, and I wasn’t going to miss that.
He handed me the greasy toast.  "Here.  You can have the first one."
"Thanks."
He ate quickly while I just took a couple of bites.
"What are you doing today?  Do you have any plans?" he asked.
"No.  I was going to study for the EXCET, but frankly, I’m tired of doing that already.  I’m to the point that either I know it or I don’t."
"Want to hang out?  We could go to the mall or the movies."
"Or both?" I asked hopefully.
He grinned and nodded.  "Of course.  We’ll go get your car, drop it off at your house and then you can change, unless you want to wear my clothes all day."
"Um, I would, but I’d embarrass you."
He shook his head.  "Never."
So it was settled.  We had made plans.
When we walked into my house, Laura was working on her laptop.  She stopped typing, and looked up at us surprised.
"Hi Laura," I said trying to sound natural while wearing a famous 19-year-old’s T-shirt and boxers.
She raised her eyebrows.   "Hi Ellie.  Ellie’s friend."
Nick smiled.
"Laura this is Nick.  Nick, this is my sister Laura, photographer.  She wanted to sue me when I didn’t let her do anything with those pictures she took of you last year," I said.
Nick smiled at her and went to shake her hand.  "Hi.  It’s nice to meet you.  How are you?"
She had to force her jaw to close.  "You?  That’s you?  The Backstreet Boy?  It’s nice to meet you, too."
"Thanks.  Thanks for the pictures.  Elisa gave them to me."
I ducked into my bedroom and left them to get to know each other.  I changed into some jeans, thick-heeled boots and a decent shirt.  While I hurriedly put on my make up, I got a good look at myself.  I looked like a ridiculously giddy, older girl running around after someone who was way too young and famous to boot.
I sucked in air as I brushed out my hair and tried to make some sense of it.  He was here because he wanted to be here.  We were just friends.  That had been agreed the night before.  All I had to do was keep my emotions in check and remember Garret.  Garret.  I glanced at the clock.  12:30.  He was probably heading to his interview if not sitting impatiently in the office.
"You want to go to the mall?" I asked Laura when I stepped back into the living room.
They were looking at the computer.
She shook her head.  "No thanks, unless you want me to take some pictures?"
We both laughed.
"No," I said.  "No thanks."
"Then you guys have fun.  It was nice to meet you, Nick," she said.
"Thanks.  It was nice to meet you, too."
I waved at her.  "Bye."
She had a huge smile on her face as she waved back.
 
 

In no time, we had hit every store in the mall and bought much more clothes than either one of us needed.  He had this crazy idea that I needed to get a new dress.
"I don’t wear strapless dresses," I said firmly.
"All the girls wear them.  Just try it on.  For me."
I looked up at him.  I hated that phrase, ‘for me.’  People had used it on me in the past, and I had ended doing very stupid things.  When Nick uttered it, I was beat before I even began to struggle.
"Why do you want me to look like hootchie?" I asked as he steered me back to the store where we had seen mannequins were wearing black, strapless, tube dresses.
"You’re obsessed with the hootchie crap!  Who ever told you looked like a hootchie?  Man, you could never look like hootchie.  Trust me, just trust me.  I bought my sister a dress like that, and she’s in high school.  She looked great, and so will you."
He and the sales girl hit it off right away.  She was smiling up at him and touching his arm whenever she could.  I wondered if she recognized him.  He didn’t seem to sense anything strange while he looked over each dress and kept looking at me for approval.  I picked the one that looked longest.  It had some wires inside that ensured it would stay up.  There was a thin, satin ribbon around the waist and at the top.
I stared at him as we walked toward the dressing room, hoping he’d change his mind and not make me do this.  He avoided my eyes and sat down in a chair outside the dressing room.
"Well go on, get in there," he said, not smiling.
When I closed the dressing room door, I heard him burst out laughing.
The dress was amazing.  It wasn’t low cut at all and seemed to stay up firmly in place.  It went down just above my knees.
"Well?" I heard Nick ask.
I opened the door and smiled at him.
He smiled, and his face turned light shade of pink.  He stood up, put his hand out to me then made me take a turn.
"Hey!" I protested.
He laughed and made me face the full-length mirror.  He stood behind me, and we looked at our reflection.
"See," he said.  "See, you look great.  You don’t look like a hootchie."
He towered over me as he slid his hand around my waist and placed it on my stomach.  It fluttered against his touch.  I felt the now-familiar goose bumps go right through me.
"You are so tiny," he said softly.
My throat was parched.  I had to gulp hard and bite my lip to make myself remember that I had to keep myself in check.
"Nick," I began.
"Shh, listen, what do you think about this?  We get this dress today.  I make dinner for you at my house.  You put on the dress, and some big, big high heels and come over.  We can talk and hang out, and," he smiled at me in the mirror.  "I promise I’ll be good, if you want me to be good that is.  And you can tell me about that boyfriend because I asked your sister about him, and she said she doesn’t like him."
I turned around to look at him.  "What?  What did she say?"
He put his other hand on my bare shoulder so I’d face the mirror again.
"Nothing," he said with shrug.  "I just want to know your side of the story."
I shook my head and tried not to laugh.  "I don’t need a special dress for you to cook me dinner.  I have lots of dresses."
"But I like this one.  C’mon, let me do this one thing."
"The dress and dinner would be two things, Nick.  You don’t have to do this.  You don’t owe me anything."
He took a step closer to me.  I felt his body against mine.  "Don’t start with that.  How can you say that?  I owe you my sanity.  If I’d never met you, I probably would still be touring and going crazy.  You showed me what normal was like again.  You showed me what it’s like just to be some guy hoping to catch the attention of a girl who won’t look twice his way.  It gave me hope that I could be normal.  How can you say that’s nothing?"
There was no answer to that question.  I could only look at him, speechless.
"How did it fit?" the sales girl asked walking in.
Nick turned and smiled at her.  "Great.  We’re taking it, right?"
They both looked at me for approval.
I nodded.  "Right.  Thanks, just let me change."
He stepped out and closed the door.  I could hear him having a friendly chat with the sales girl still.  I strained my ear to listen to the conversation, but all I heard was her giggle and his soft laugh.  Was I jealous?  I couldn’t be jealous.  I hurried out of the dress and back into my clothes not wanting to leave them alone much longer.
He drove me home and walked me to the door carrying all of my bags.
"What time do you want me to come pick you up?  You need to give me some time because I have to go the grocery story and start dinner," he said.
"I’ll just meet you back at your house, then, okay?  What time do you want me there?"
He shrugged.  "It’s six-thirty now.  Why don’t we make it eight?"
"Sure, okay.  Are you sure you want to do this?  We can go out to dinner."
"Let me do it," he said one word at a time. "I can cook.  Just put on the dress and look good."
I shook my head and half laughed.  "I’ll need more than an hour and half for that," I said as I opened the door.
He pulled my arm back.  "Hey, hey wait."  He had put all the bags down on the porch.
"What?"
"You don’t think you’re pretty?  You really don’t?  It’s not just a modesty thing, huh?  Doesn’t your boyfriend tell you that you’re beautiful?  Doesn’t he tell you everyday?"
"Nick, I--," I began.
"No, does he tell you?"
"It doesn’t matter."
"But does he tell you, Elisa?"
"That’s never mattered to me.  It used to, but now I want people to look at me for me, not for what I look like," I said.
"Makes sense.  But you haven’t answered the question."
I sighed.  "No, Garret doesn’t spend all day telling me I’m beautiful.  He just tells me that I’m smart and nice and a good person."
Nick shook his head and held my hand to his chest.  "You are an amazingly beautiful woman, Elisa.  I mean it.  You have the darkest eyes I have ever seen and the smoothest golden skin.  I love the way your hair shines all the time and the curls that it has at the ends.  When you put on that dress today, you looked gorgeous.  But you don’t need that, I understand.  You have that inner beauty.  But you know what?"
"What?"
"You’re just as beautiful on the outside.  If not more so."
I hugged him and listened to him laugh.
"I’ll be there at eight," I told him when I let go.  "Thanks for the dress.  And everything else."
He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek.  "You’re welcome," he said placing the bags inside the door.  "See you later.  Say hi to Laura."
"Okay.  Bye."
"Bye."
Laura was sitting on the couch doing her toe nails when I walked in.  I dragged the bags over to the couch and sat next to her.
"Hey, watch it," she said, fixing the stray nail polish.
"Sorry."
She looked up at me.  "Well, what a big smile," she said with short laugh.
I think part of me was still on the porch feeling Nick’s soft kiss on my cheek.  "What?"  I asked.
"What a big smile.  Did you and Nick have a good time?  I see you bought out the mall."
I nodded.  "Yeah."
She put down the nail polish and turned her body to face me.  "So, what happened?  Did you guys kiss romantically in the sunset again?"
I looked at her.  "Huh?  No!  I haven’t kissed him again, yet."
She laughed, "Yet?"
"Well, I just don’t know, Laura.  He’s making dinner for me tonight.  By the way, what did you tell him about Garret?"
She tried to look innocent.  "Nothing.  What is there to say about boring, old Garret?"
"Did he really ask you?"
She nodded.  "With this big sad puppy dog look on his face.  He is very cute, and I don’t even like blondes."
"What did you say?"
"That’s he’s an old man," she said with a shrug.
"He’s 23."
"Maybe he is chronologically, Ellie.  Inside, he’s like fifty.  He’s just so boring.  What’s his day like?  Class, newspaper, karate, study, call you and in bed by nine, right?"
I never looked at it that way.  I admired the fact that Garret could do many things and put out his best effort in each.  It never bothered me that we didn’t spend a lot of time together.  It just ensured me that I wouldn’t end up falling in love with him.
"We spend lots of quality time together.  Besides, I’ve already dated too many guys that don’t take their lives seriously and party it away.  Just because Garret takes things seriously, it doesn’t mean he’s boring.  He takes me seriously, and I enjoy the time we do spend together," I said almost defensively.
She nodded.  "Yeah, well, you’re spending lots of serious time with young Nick.  All night, all day, dinner.  What is that all about?"
"We’re friends, just friends.  We enjoy hanging out and talking.  But he’s very naive, you know?  He seems to trust very easily."
"Maybe he just trusted you easily," she said.  "I don’t think he’s a fool.  He knows what he wants, and from the look on your face you’ve almost come around."
I raised my eyebrows at her.  "Me?" I laughed trying to conceal that just the mere thought of that made me giddy.  "No. He might have a crush on me because I’m older, I helped him when he needed it, but it’s nothing serious.  I mean, imagine, he’s famous.  He could have absolutely any girl in the world.  He probably already has.  I think he just sees me as someone he might like to end up with when he’s 26."
Laura laughed really hard though I didn’t think I had said anything funny.
"What?" I asked.
She pushed a strand of hair behind her ear.  "It’s the age difference that bothers you?  That’s it?"
"It’s six years," I said.  "He’d nineteen.  He just finished high school."
"And?"
"And.  I’m going to start teaching next year.  I can’t show up with my teenage boyfriend at PTA meetings."
Laura shook her head hard.  "You are such a liar, Elisa.  Such a liar.  You have never cared what anyone says about you or who you date.  When you dated that asshole Alex, and we all hated him, you ignored everyone.  When you changed your major, and everyone tried to talk you out of it, you didn’t listen.  When you and that idiot Daniel spent all that time together, and I told you that you were just treading water, you told me to go to hell.  Now, you are telling me that you are not giving this great guy a chance because of what some people who you might work with, who you haven’t even met yet, would say?" she shook her head again.  "I don’t buy it."
She was two years younger yet she seemed to have at least a decade of wisdom over me.  Laura was rarely wrong, and I often made costly mistakes.  If I was on the Price is Right and had to price the final prize package, I would definitely listen to her.
I dug out the bag with the dress and tossed it to her.
"He wants me to wear this tonight."
She pulled it out and put it on over her slender figure.  She was even smaller than me.
"Hmm, good taste, nice fabric.  I’m surprised you even agreed to it.  Wasn’t it just last year that you threw away all of those mini skirts?"
I tried not to laugh.  "It’s hard not to agree with him, Laura.  I don’t know what I’m doing.  Am I crazy?"
She gave me look.  "I think you’re a little blind, maybe confused, but crazy?  No.  Hey, nineteen is beyond the age of consent, right?"
I smacked her arm.  "I’m not sleeping with him.  I’m not even going to kiss him.  I’ve never been unfaithful to anyone.  Besides, I’m perfectly happy with Garret."
"Yeah," Laura said seriously.  "But Garret’s not here."
I sucked in air.  It was going to be a long night.
I didn’t know what to take to his house.  I knew that you don’t walk into a dinner empty handed.  I would have taken wine or desert, but that just seemed too seductive, so I ended up buying a bunch of fresh flowers.
I grabbed them and made my way up the walk to the spectacular house.  I was about to knock when I realized that he only had the screen door shut.  It was a cool desert night, so I guess he was letting the fresh air in.  The heavy wooden door was open letting out some delicious smells and the sound of Nick’s amazing voice.  I’d never heard him sing before.  Well, I’m sure that I had, but never knowing who he was, never attentively.  His voice was loud and strong full of sweetness and dripping with emotion.  I took a moment to listen but had a hard time making out each word.  Suddenly, I heard a loud clatter  and his easy laugh.
"Oh man," he said regretfully.
"Nick," I called through the door.  "Nick."
I saw him hurry to the door.  "Hey, you’re right on time," he greeted as I walked in.
"These are for you," I told him handing him the flowers.  "Think of it as a cheap housewarming present.  By the way, you sing beautifully."
He smiled, eyes sparkling. "Thank you!  You heard me?  Uh-oh.  Man, I haven’t gotten flowers since," he stopped.  "Umm, let me see you.  You look amazing."
So did he.  He was wearing dark slacks and a crisp white shirt.  He smelled of cologne, shampoo and soap.  His hair was gelled neatly into place away from his eyes.
"So, do you," I told him.  "But you always do."
He shook his head and grabbed my arm.  "Come on.  Let’s go to the kitchen.  Dinner’s not quite ready, and I have to keep and eye on it, so just sit and talk to me, please?"
"Let me help you with something," I offered.
"No," he said immediately.  "This is my thing, let met do it."
I sat on a high bar stool in the kitchen as he checked pans and pots then started working on a salad.  I wanted to laugh just watching him.  He took it so seriously.  Then I remembered how he hated being underestimated, that he wanted to prove that he could do things.
I sighed and looked around.  "Do you cook often?"
"Not really," he said with a shrug,  "Since it’s just me, I usually grab fast food or buy TV dinners.  It’s easier.  I learned to cook though because fast food makes you really fat, and the last thing I need is to gain any more weight."
"But you’re not fat."
He snorted, "Not any more, or not as much.  I joined a gym as soon as I got here and worked like crazy to stop eating junk.  I could eat whatever I wanted when I was growing up because I grew so quickly.  Last year, and I guess it was all the problems I was dealing with,  I was always eating.  It was easier to eat than to deal with what was going on.  Besides, going out for food always gave me an excuse just to get out," he looked up at me from the cutting board. "I think that day in Cruces I told the guys I was going out for a burger."
"And you didn’t come back until late the next day."
He chuckled to himself.  "That was some burger."
He wiped his hands and joined me on another stool.
"Thanks for coming.  I wasn’t sure you’d accept my invitation," he said.
"How could I not?  Everything smells so good, and you went and bought me this dress. Laura says you have really good taste."
"Thanks," he said looking at me.  "I think I do."
There was that unfamiliar silence again.  It seemed to happen when we were alone without any distractions.
He looked around and smiled.  "Are you okay?  Is it hot or cold in here?"
"It’s fine," I said and began to look around myself.  I had to find something we could talk about.  Just then, the timer went off.
"Okay," he said sounding relieved.  "Dinner’s ready.  Want to wash your hands?  You can go up to the bathroom if you want."
"Okay."
I took my time up there trying to figure out what I was doing.  It was like I was fighting a huge battle with myself.  To treat him like a man or like a friend.  Each time I saw him, I liked him more.  I felt myself retreating in his presence, though, afraid to open up anymore.  Every time I opened myself up to some guy, I ended up getting attached.  I guess attachment to Nick was already inevitable, but I wasn’t totally lost yet.
When I came down the stairs, he had turned on some soft music and dimmed the lights somewhat.  There were candles on the table giving everything a soft glow.
He was coming out of the kitchen with the flowers I had brought in a vase.
"There," he said placing them at the center of the table.  "Let’s sit."
He pulled out the chair for me and took the one in front of me.  He busied himself serving water, salad and passing out rolls.  I found myself watching him once again intrigued by how serious he was about everything and confused by what kept me glued to his side when I knew damn well I had no business with him.
He set the plate full of salad in front of me. "I hope you like it," he said.
I stopped his hand.  "Thanks for all of this," I told him.  "Everything is wonderful.  The candles are beautiful.  I know you feel like you owe me, but you don’t.  That weekend meant a lot to me too.  If anything I should feel indebted to you."
He shook his head.  "It’s not a debt, Elisa."
He went back to checking that everything was perfect, which it was.
I had already begun to eat.
"You really never heard me sing before?" he asked.
"I must have," I said.  "You have an amazing voice."
He smiled, "Thank you.  But a lot of good it does me now."
"Three years will go right by.  You might have already finished college by then.  Garret took two years off for peace corps before he started college.  He finished his degree in three years, and now he’s already getting a great job that guys years older than him could never aspire to. What if you like engineering better than performing?"
He widened his eyes at me.  "What?  No.  I’m studying computer engineering because I enjoy working with computers but not because I plan to do anything with the degree.  I’d like to finish, so I can say that I accomplished something with this time. But let me tell you, as soon as these three years are up, I’m going back to singing.  I’m tired of singing to my own reflection and having people stare at me like I’m crazy when I belt out tunes in the truck."  He shook his head.  "I don’t want to do anything else but sing.  And I think doing it on my own will be much better.  Everything will be on my own terms then.  Even when I was in the group, when I got my solo, I was so happy.  I would sing my heart out, as hard as I could.  And when the guys were around, sometimes, I just forgot about them.  It was like I was all alone.  Don’t you get caught up in what you enjoy?"
I nodded.  "Yeah.  I know what you mean.  I’ve been doing my student teaching, and sometimes, I lose track of time just working with the kids.  We get started on something and don’t stop until it’s done."
"Kids.  Wow.  I must take a lot of patience to work with kids."
"It just takes commitment, like anything else.  You know you have something they need to learn.  You present it the best way for them to grasp it and work from there," I told him.  "It’s great.  It’s actually the first time I feel like what I’m doing is worthwhile.  To see those faces smiling up at me when they understand, is amazing.  And they give so  much love, so easily."
He was watching me speak, no longer eating.
"You’re going to be a great teacher because you care so much," he said.  "More than anything, I think kids need people who care about them."
I nodded.  "I agree.  Kids don’t grow up with two parents anymore.  They get one if they’re lucky and the TV set."
"True," he said.
The silence took over again.  We finished up our salads hardly even looking at each other any more.  He ended up serving both of us huge plates of spaghetti.
"It’s what I know how to cook best," he announced.
"Lucky me, it’s my favorite meal."
"Really?"
"Really."
He licked some stray sauce off his thumb.  I tried not to watch his mouth too much.  It was what had gotten me in trouble last time.
"Guess you and Garret go out to lots of spaghetti dinners, huh?" he asked.
"We try," I said.  "Usually, we go hang out at the bookstore and drink coffee or sit at my house and talk.  Garret’s involved in a lot of different stuff.  The newspaper, karate, he’s a Big Brother.  We don’t  get to see each other every day."
He sat up, "So, can I ask you a kind of personal question?"
I just nodded.
"When we were together, last year, you said that dating was a waste of time.  What was it about Garret that changed your mind?"
I wiped my mouth.  "Hey, this is really good, honey."
"Don’t change the subject."
"I’m not," I said.  "I just don’t think I have a good answer for that question.  Garret is a really great guy, and you have to understand, I’m not used to dating great guys.  I was always that stupid girl that liked guys for their faults and not their virtues.  When I was writing for the paper, Garret and I were always friends, I guess, but I didn’t think he was interested in me.  He was nice to me and talked to me a lot.  When I stopped writing, to focus on my education classes, I seemed to always be bumping into him.  I’d see him at the library, the bookstore, the education building.  He’d make small talk with me, then ask me to join him for lunch or coffee or a soda, whatever.  And I liked him.  He was easy to talk to and fun to be with.  I thought, ‘Well, at least I made a friend.’  But one day he just asked me out to dinner.  He told me flat out that he was interested in me as more than a friend.  I just went along with it, Nick," I said.  "I was tired of being alone and watching Laura date all of these great guys.  I figured I’d just have someone to go to the movies with, hang out with or just have a real conversation with."
He nodded.  "And?"
"And that’s it.  I really like him, but he’s leaving.  I’ve known that all along.  He’s a talented writer and has no business staying here with me.  I was pretty mad when he got the job offer, but I guess I was just being selfish."
"You told me love wasn’t selfish," he said.
"Then, it wasn’t love, right?"
He just looked at me.  "Then, you’re telling me that if it were love, you’d be happy for him?"
I shook my head.  "If it were love, I’d be willing to move to Dallas just to be with him."
His eyes widened. "And you’re not?"
"No.  I don’t want to move to Dallas.  I have a pretty good chance of getting a position at the school where I’m doing my student teaching.  I want to start in a familiar situation, in my hometown, where I know the kids."
"Where it’s safe?" he said.
I nodded.
He sucked in air.  "Wow.  I’m surprised to hear you say that."
"Why?"
"Because it sounds like you’re afraid to take a chance.  To risk what you have for the unknown.  What if Garret is the one?  What if your dream job is in Dallas?"
"If that were true I wouldn’t have doubts."
"I think you have doubts because you’re afraid," he said softly.
I looked at him.  I never enjoyed being called on my faults.  I already knew them quite well.
"You know, Nick," I began.  "I don’t think there’s anything wrong with safety.  I’ve already made enough mistakes for the sake of someone’s happiness and my own insecurities."
"Well, it’s going to keep you here," he said. "And don’t get me wrong, I’ve enjoyed my time here.  But after seeing the world, which I have, I can tell you there’s a whole lot more out there than this town has to offer.  And it’s going to keep you alone.  I thought you were tired of being alone."
"I am."
"And you’re going to wait for that perfect El Paso guy, who has lived here all his life, has a good job here, is a nice guy, isn’t selfish and likes you for you and not because you’re beautiful."
"Don’t make fun of me."
He smirked.  "Elisa, I’m not.  I’m just finally understanding why you’re always rejecting me, and men, and things that are probably good for you."
"Because I’m afraid?"
He half shrugged. "Well, you said it.  Just think about it.  You know I’m younger.  I come from, and plan to go back to, a totally different world than this.  I’ve seen and lived more than you have.  It’s no wonder you’re hesitant.  What I have to offer is so different from anything you already know.  I guess the unknown makes anyone nervous."
I was glaring at him.  That was the cockiest thing I had ever heard come out of mouth.  He had said it with his familiar pleasant smile.
"You think I won’t get involved romantically with you because I’m afraid?" I asked putting my fork down.
He didn’t answer for a second, then he said, "Well, I don’t think you’re as afraid as you are jaded.  Sometimes, you sound like you’ve stopped believing love even exists.  And it does, you know?  It has to."
We watched each other then.  I was on the verge of being very angry with him, and as usual, I was fighting to hold back.
"I don’t doubt that it does, Nick," I said.  "It’s just been my experience that--."
"That’s the past," he said.  "You always talk in past tense.  Sometimes I wonder what is in your past that has made you so," he stopped searching for a word.
"Bitter?" I finished for him.
He bit his lip.  "Well, yeah."
I wiped my mouth then pushed my hair off my shoulder.  "You know, you don’t even know what you’re talking about, now.  My past experiences," I stopped. "Never mind."
He sat up, "What?  I mean, c’mon.  We’ve come this far.  I’d like to know what you were going to say.  I mean, me?  I thrive on the risk.  If I hadn’t ended up leaving that day in Cruces and trusting some guys who just got me drunk and dumped in a gay bar, I never would have met you.  If I never would have gotten up and left the safety of my singing career to keep my sanity and peace of mind," he stopped.  "Then, I don’t even know where I’d be.  What on Earth could have happened to you that makes you hold back so much?"
I was silent unable to find the words that could explain the knots in my stomach.  How could he?  He just continued eating and watching me squirm, not saying a word.
He finally put his fork down.  "Well, I’d like to know," he said.
"You know," I said, finally.  "You could have just asked.  You didn’t have to make judgments on me and my decisions."
"I didn’t mean--," he began.
"But," I said sitting up.  "If you want to know what got me this fucked up, let me tell you.  Because at one point in my life, I was sunny and cute, too.  I thought love was the greatest thing in the world, and more than anything I wanted to be in love.  When 18, met this guy named Alex.  He was the love of my life. I did all that mushy love crap. I baked him cookies,  gushed over the pictures of us together and planned romantic dinners.  I shared absolutely everything with him.  He was my first at many things," I said looking down at my still-full steaming plate.  "He was my first everything.  It was a great time, until one year into the relationship, he took me out to dinner.  On the way home, he started talking about how we were so young and our relationship was so serious.  And, then he said that he wanted to see other people.  I was in love, Nick.  I wasn’t jaded or bitter.  I thought he was everything," I shook my head remembering.  "I cried all the way home, and he didn’t even walk me to the door.
"I was okay, at first," I continued.  "I started dating right away just to get over him.  But it wasn’t long before I heard that Alex was dating someone else.  And they, weren’t just dating, they were together, in a serious relationship.  So, it wasn’t that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship.  It was that he didn’t want to be in a serious relationship with me.
"I went on this horrible downward spiral.  For two years, I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing.  I went from dating to just stupidly trying to find a warm body.  When I’d go out to bars in Juarez, I’d pick up on any guy that looked my way, just so I wouldn’t be alone.  The last thing I wanted was to be alone.  And believe me, I met many men in those bars who were looking for a stupid girl just like me,"  I stopped then and took a deep breath to stop my throat from closing.
Nick reached over to take my hand, but I pulled it away.
"I did a lot of crazy things.  I dressed practically like a prostitute and hardly ever went home," I continued.  "My mother was sick, and I wasn’t even there for her.  I just wanted to be away in a club with some guy, who would tell me that I was beautiful and hold me close.  But it only lasted a night or two."
I rubbed my face trying to settle the hot feeling in my stomach and throat.
"One time, I picked up on Daniel.  We danced a couple of songs, but immediately started to get all over each other.  We were both so drunk that we had no idea what was going on.  I remember being in his truck, half-naked thinking how this crap never stopped.  And suddenly, I just started crying.  I cried and cried.  And he had no idea what was going on."
He was watching me, elbow on table, chin in the heel of his palm.
 He closed his eyes.
"We started talking.  I remember telling him pretty much everything that I’m telling you now.  He had just broken up with his fiancee, so he was lonely too.  We were both miserable."
Nick’s breath escaped him.  "I’m sorry," he whispered.
I shook my head.  "Don’t be.  I don’t need you to be sorry."
The silence filled the room again.  One of the candles flickered as it dripped wax.
"And that’s when we became friends.  We never told anyone about what happened that night.  And it was great while it lasted, but eventually, I lost control again and fucked everything up.   So if now I think twice or three times or forty times before doing anything, Nick, it’s because I need to be sure.  I am not going to go back to being that stupid girl that loses everything."
I met his eyes for a second then looked away.  Silence.
"And on that note," I said pushing away from the table.  "I’m back here with somebody who says he’s my friend, wearing this one-night-stand dress, in a candle lit house with soft music playing?  I guess I haven’t exactly learned my lesson, huh?"  I stood up.
I hurried to kitchen to get my bag.  When I stepped out, he was sitting at the table with his head in his hands.  I hesitated dealing with that part of me that wanted to reach to him.  Instead, I just walked out the door.
I was in tears by the time I had driven down the street.  I fought hard to control myself, not having really cried since the last time I had seen Nick.  I couldn’t believe that I ended up explaining myself to him like that.  I was angry for not standing up to him.  It was typical of me.
I didn’t want to go home.  I’d have to explain everything to Laura then and wasn’t sure how to do it.  Instead, I got on the freeway and headed to Grahams. Suddenly, all I wanted was to be in a dark place.
Since it was already nine thirty, the place was relatively full.  As soon as I walked in through the country bar, I was struck by the need to be intoxicated.  Everyone else was.  The entire place reeked of beer and cigarettes.
I hurried to the bar and ordered a Zima and a tequila shot.
The bartender smiled, "Sure baby."
I surveyed the crowd.  Same people who used to come when Daniel and I hung out.  Things never changed.  Men in cowboy hats and Wranglers ran around after girls dressed much worse than even I used to.
He put down my shot and my bottle.  I paid and moved away from the bar.  I licked the salt, drank the shot and sucked the lime.  The gold liquid instantly warmed my stomach.  It had been a long time since I’d had tequila.  My system seemed to have missed it.
I took my bottle, went to check myself in the bathroom and bought some cigarettes.
Then, I was ready.
Strangely and pathetically enough I felt like I was home.  I caught my breath and looked around.  Plenty of men.  Some of them were already looking my way.  I tried to smile, but ended up just looking down.
"Well, well, if isn’t Ellie Vasquez?"
I looked to find Johnny, my friend the door man.
I hugged him.  "Hi Johnny.  What’s new?  Are you working?"
He shook his head.  "Not tonight.  I decided to come clubbing just like everyone else instead of standing out at the door all night.  You’re looking pretty."
"Thanks," I said finishing up my Zima.
"Want another beer?"
I nodded, and he called over the waitress.  The shot was already taking effect in my system.  I felt my feet lighter, everything had a happy glow to it.
"Here’s to finally having time to hang out," he said handing me the drink.
We tipped out bottles and I chugged down a good amount.
Johnny laughed. "You’re out for some drinking today?"
"It’s been a long day," I said.  "I deserve a break."
"Then let’s drink up."
He touched his bottle with mine once more and chugged his beer.  I guzzled mine down as well.  Finally, I was able to smile.
"Are you going to dance with me, Johnny?" I asked.
He pulled my arm. "Let’s go."
There were playing some Latin dance music.  Everyone shook their hips to the happy beat.  I joined them shaking my hips even harder than they did.  I loved dancing.  I could dance all night.  I closed my eyes and let the music go right through me.  It was so loud that it shut out every thought in my head.
I felt a hand at my back as Johnny pulled me closer to him.  I opened my eyes and pulled away.  Then, stupidly, I drank the last of my Zima and moved closer to him on my own.
He put his hands on my hips and swayed along with me.  I felt his beer breath in my face and hair but didn’t move away.
"Let’s get more beer," I told him.
There was more than one beer after that.  It wasn’t long before I was feeling lost and holding on to Johnny for balance more than for any attraction I felt toward him.  I was overcome by an urge to see Nick.  I wanted to hold his hands and hide in his arms.  He always made things better, and I all wanted was to feel better.
"Are we going to keep dancing?" Johnny asked.
I smiled looking at him.  He was here, holding me close.  He wanted me.
"Of course I want to keep dancing.  You want to go now?" I said trying to shake my thoughts of Nick.
He shook his head.  "I want to kiss you now."
His face was sweaty and he smelled of stale beer.  But he was here.
I brushed my lips with his, and he pulled me closer.  Instead, I moved away and pulled his arm.
"Let’s go dance," I said.
He half laughed and just followed me back to the dance floor.
While we danced, I let him touch my hips and waist.  His eyes were squarely focused on my breasts.  I had a moment of lucidity and moved slightly away.
There was a tall, blond head moving through crowd craning his neck to the dance floor.
I moved closer to Johnny and he wrapped his arms around my waist.
I closed my eyes again and tried to focus on the music.
Something warm and wet was at my neck.  Instantly, I moved away but saw Johnny’s mouth reaching for me.
He smiled and pulled me back.  "Come on, Ellie."
I glanced around, but Nick was nowhere in sight.  I tried to convince myself that he wasn’t even there.  Why would he even bother to come look for me?
I’m not sure how we ended up kissing.  I just know that his mouth was all over mine.  At first, I struggled up for air, then just gave in to the inevitable.  I was never going to change.  Suddenly, I started imagining that he was Nick.  It didn’t bother me then, to have his arms around me tightly and his tongue in my mouth.  When I opened my eyes, I wanted to see his rosy skin and electric blue eyes.  I wanted to hear his soft laugh and him saying something silly.
When the music slowed down, and I did open my eyes, I got a good dose of reality.  Johnny’s hands were reaching down too far.
I pulled away.  "I have to go to the bathroom."
"I’ll walk you," he said.
I looked horrible already.  My hair was sweaty and messy, and my lipstick was practically gone.  I pulled my dress up to adjust it and did what I could to fix my face.  I no longer wanted to even face Johnny.  I sat down on a bench and pulled out a cigarette.  The nicotine sped up my buzz, and I felt dizzy.  Drinking shots and beer used to be easy.  Now, I just felt lost and confused.  A voice I never heard before within me kept telling me that I was going down the stupidity path again.  I didn’t want to listen, but it wouldn’t stop.
Finally, I pulled myself back together and headed back out.  From the doorway, I could see Johnny standing against the wall watching the girls go by.  I took a drag from my cigarette and stepped out.
"What are you doing?" I heard a voice immediately.  The cigarette was pulled out of my hand and stomped out.  It was Nick.
"What do you want?" I asked and tried to get around him without waiting for the answer even though my heart had fluttered just at the sight of him.
He took my arm.
"I want to talk.  I wanted to apologize for being such a jerk to you.  But now, I want to shake you really hard so that you stop right now and think about what you’re doing," he said.  "What are you doing?"
I looked up at him.  His face was serious, his brows knotted with worry.
"What are you doing?" he whispered leaning closer to me.
I pulled my arm away from him.  "What do you care?  This is my shit, my mess.  I don’t need any more judgment from you.  Why does it matter anyway?  You’re here for what?  Three years, maybe, unless you get bored or restless again.  You’re going to sample the local girls and walk away just everyone else.  You’re going back to that world that I know nothing about, right?  Why does it even matter to you?"
His face crumpled.  I thought he’d cry.
"It matters to me," he said.  "I wouldn’t be here if it didn’t matter, if you didn’t matter.  I hate to see you like this.  You’re drunk, and you were kissing that guy.  Why are you doing that?"
"Because I want to."
He shook his head.  "No, no you don’t.  I know you don’t.  You just told me that.  You’re tired of being that girl."
I took a step back only to lose my balance.  He caught my arm.
"Elisa," he pleaded.  "Just stop, please."
I blinked at the flashing lights.  Things were spinning fast.
"Let me take you out of here," he said.  "Come on."
I glanced back at Johnny.  He was talking to girl in very short shorts.
I took hold of Nick’s arm.
He held on to my waist and pulled me through the crowd.  I just saw faces blur in front of me.  When we finally stepped out, it felt good to breathe fresh air.  My muddled brain slowly began to clear up.  I held on to Nick’s hand as we walked quickly and silently through the parking lot to the Durango.
He opened the door for me and helped me up through the driver’s side.
"Are you okay?" he asked as he climbed in after me.
I nodded.
"Put on your seat belt," he said.
I didn’t move and just watched him.  He was so beautiful.  I think there would be no other way to describe him.
No one had ever bothered to help me stop doing stupid things. I wasn’t sure what to think.
"Elisa," he said leaning over to help me with the seat belt.
"I was pretending it was you," I said flatly.
"What?"
"When I kissed Johnny.  I was pretending it was you," I said more softly than I meant to.
He sat back and looked at me.  He rubbed his face and ran his hands through his hair.  He looked confused and flustered.  He looked from me to the steering wheel then back to me.  It was as if he were weighing something in his mind.
"Oh God," he said breathlessly, then he simply started the engine and drove toward my house.  I leaned my head on the cool glass window.  Everything spun slowly still.
Well at least I had been honest, for once.  At least I had told him what was really going through my mind.  I held back so many times that it had become second nature.  But his silence confused me.  All this time, and attention he had devoted to me to just ignore my comment didn’t make sense.  Then I realized I probably smelled like liquor, sweat and Johnny, and he didn’t want to be anywhere near me.  I closed my eyes.
The Durango came to a stop in front of my house.  I sat up and started to get out without even looking at him.
"Let me walk you," I heard him say, but I didn’t stop.
He caught up with me on the walkway.  The porch light wasn’t even on, so I was having a hard time finding my keys.  Nick took my bag from my hand and dug them out.
"Here I got them," he said pulling out the keys.  "Is it okay if I come in?  I’d like to talk to you."
I shook my head.  "Let’s talk tomorrow.  Thanks for bringing me home."
I saw him bite his lip in the moonlight still looking confused.  I took a step closer to the house, expecting for him to give me the keys and head back to his truck.
"Hi Ellie," I heard.
I turned, and Nick appeared at my side.  Garret was sitting on the step watching us.  My hand automatically went up to my mouth.
"Garret," I finally managed to say.  "You’re home."
"Shit," Nick said under his breath and took one step back.
Garret stood up.  "Well, I’m glad to see that you’re okay.  I called about five times today and just got your machine.  I was worried that something had happened to you," he half laughed.  "I even took an early flight back here to make sure that you were all right.  I thought maybe the house had burned down.  But I guess not.  Did you have a good time while I was gone?"
"Garret," I began but he cut me off.
"No, really, did you?" he asked.
I didn’t answer.
He walked up to me and took a good look at Nick.  Nick raised his head and squared his shoulders.
"This is Nick," I said.  "He was just driving me home."
"Oh, how nice of Nick.  From where?" Garret asked feigning a pleasant tone.
"Grahams," I answered automatically.  I was tired of lying.
"Grahams," he repeated nodding then sniffed me.  "And I guess you’ve been drinking and smoking since you needed a ride home.  You can take the girl out of the bar, but you can’t take the bar out of the girl, right?  Where’s your lipstick?"  He looked at Nick’s face then back to me.  "I like that dress, by the way.  Where did you get?  Sluts are us?"
Nick took a step forward.  "Hey, don’t--."
I stepped in front of him.
"Shut up," Garret snapped at him.  "You’re what?  Fifteen?  Damn Ellie, hope you don’t get arrested.  And you, congratulations picking up on an older chick.  Is it your first time? She’ll be gentle.  Right, Ellie?"
Nick struggled slightly against my waist, but I stood my ground.  Garret was going to do this alone.
"Good thing I got that job in Dallas.  I’ll be glad when I get the hell out of here."
"Are you finished?" I asked him.
He nodded.  "Yes Ellie, I’m finished.  We’re fucking finished.  I don’t even know how the hell I got involved with you.  I ignored what everyone said about you and wanted to think you were a decent girl.  What I fool I am."
"Yes you are," I told him. "You’re a fool, now go home."
"Go home?"
"Yes! Go home!" I heard myself yell.  "Get the fuck away from me, and get the fuck away from my house!  How dare you talk to me like that?  Who do you think you are?"
"I’m your boyfriend," he said.  "I thought I was your boyfriend.  Then I get here and find you running around with some little dick."
Nick tensed up behind me again, I felt him try to pull me back.  I pushed my weight harder against his.
"What the hell else do you expect?  For me to sit here and wait for you to come back every weekend after you moved to Dallas?" I asked.  "You’re gone Garret.  You’ve always wanted to be gone.  I don’t even know why the hell you ever wanted me.  Go to Dallas.  I hope you have a great life.  I’m sorry this is the last memory you’re going to have of me because I wasn’t unfaithful to you with Nick.  He was just bringing me home.  I know at least that he’s here for me, that I can count on him.  He gives a damn about me."
Garret eyed him then me.  He half laughed then shook his head.
"What a bunch of bullshit--."
"Go home," I said cutting him off.  "Just go. Don’t ever come back here."
Garret shook his head and started toward his car.  Nick pulled me into the house and slammed the door shut right behind him.
My heart was pounding in my ears.
"I can’t believe he said that to me," I said.  "I can’t...," I stopped to deal with the tears that were forming in the pit of my stomach and forcing their  way up.
Nick touched my hair and pulled me to his chest. "Don’t.  Don’t cry.  That guy doesn’t even know you.  Please don’t cry."
But I couldn’t stop.  Once I started all I could do was weep.  At one point, Garret had been my lame attempt at a last ditch effort.  And even he thought I was shit.
Nick pulled me to the couch so I could sit down.  I buried my face in my hands to deal with my tears.   My breath came in short gasps.  I felt Nick rubbing my back.
"It’s okay," he was saying.  "Everything is okay.  He doesn’t know who you are.  He doesn’t even know."
"What have I done?  What have I done?" was all I could manage to think and say.  Here I was again doing something stupid that would cost me big.
I felt Nick’s hand in my hair.
"Nothing," he said. "You’ve done nothing wrong.  It’s not you, Elisa.  When are you going to understand that?  It’s not you."
"Then what?" I cried.  "I just have really bad luck?  How could I be so stupid?  What have I done?’
"He was a jerk to you.  I can’t believe he spoke to you that way.  And he would have done it sooner or later even if this had never happened."
"Oh God, what I have done?"
"Stop saying that," he said.  "It’s not you."
I struck me then there was still hope for him.  That I hadn’t fucked him over yet.
I pushed his hand off of me and tried to gain control.  "You’d better go," I told him not looking up at him.  "Just go home."
"What?  Why?  No.  I’m not leaving you alone.  You can’t be alone right now."
"I can’t be with you either," I said my voice rising beyond my control.  "Just go, Nick.  What the hell would you want with me anyway?  There are million girls out there for you.  I’m just stupid.  Go away."
I kept my head in my hands afraid to look at him.  I knew he’d be hurt, and my weakness for him was still too big.
He didn’t move.  His body remained close to mine, and I could hear him breathing softly.
"I don’t want to go," he said.  "I want to be here for you, with you.  You were there for me.  And I’ll be damned if I walk away letting you feel this confused.  If it takes me the rest of my life, you’re going to understand that there is nothing wrong with you. Maybe there’s something wrong with the men that you pick or why you pick them or  I don’t know.  But it’s not you," he sucked in air.  "Besides, I couldn’t leave now, if I wanted to."
I finally looked up at him through my watery eyes and messy hair.  "Why?  Why would you say that?"
He shrugged his eyes blurred with confusion and pain.  "I just care too much about you," he said softly.
I crawled up into his arms.  There was no place in the world like his embrace.  It made everything else go away.
"I’m here," he said.  "I’m not going anywhere.  I’m here."
I closed my eyes but didn’t sleep that night.  I felt Nick drop off about an hour later, but it wasn’t a restful sleep.  Occasionally, he would mumble something or jerk out of his sleep.  He’d wake up, and I’d feel him check on me, move my hair out of my face or hold me a little tighter.  I’d pretend to be asleep just so he’d fall back to sleep and get some rest.  He would shift us around gently to try to get comfortable then drop off again.
I had a lot of time to think about everything that had happened.  Losing Garret was not the toughest thing in the world.  I knew that I didn’t love him.  But just the thought that I could return to my old ways scared me to death.  If Nick hadn’t been there, God only knows what I would have done.  What if I had brought Johnny home and Garret was here?  What if I had crashed into someone driving home?  It was a life that I thought I had left behind.
I tried to look up at Nick in the moonlight.  All I could see was his was the soft light caressing his cheek.  He looked like an angel.  When I was little girl, I used to dream of falling in love with someone this beautiful.  After some hard lessons, I learned how little looks were worth.  But what I saw in Nick’s interior matched his exterior exactly.  As I got older, I dreamed of falling in love with somebody as sweet, sincere and straight forward as he was.  I had given up the notion that he even existed.  But he was here and didn’t seem to want to let go.  Why had he even followed me to Grahams?  Why didn’t he leave well enough alone?
I ended up leaving him asleep on the couch at around five in the morning. I dug out the pillow and blanket I had give him the first time he spent the night on that couch.  Once again, he curled himself up against the pillow and tried to fit his tall frame into the couch.
I ended up asleep on my bed sometime around sunrise.
 
 

It was the sound of his laughter that woke me up around noon the next day.  I could hear him and Laura talking and laughing heartily about something.  I looked around myself.  My hair smelled of cigarettes, and my feet ached from the shoes I had worn the night before.  It hadn’t been a dream.
I showered and changed before joining them.  I looked awful.  There were dark circles under my swollen eyes.  I was pale probably because of all the alcohol I had ingested.  I rubbed my cheeks trying to get some color into them.  It had been a long time since I had seen the face of regret in my mirror, but here it was again.
They were watching exhibition football game that was taking place in Europe.  The Dolphins were playing the Packers.
"Hey!" Nick greeted from the couch putting his hand out to me as soon as he saw me.  "How are you?"
I grabbed his hand and leaned down to kiss his cheek.  "I’m okay.  Sorry I slept so late.  What are you guys up to?"
"Nothing," Laura said with a shrug.  "He’s losing money to me."
"Sh--," he began.  "Be quiet!  Are you hungry?" he asked.
I nodded and let go of him to head for the kitchen. "Yeah,  a little."
I heard his footsteps behind me as I made toast.
"Did you eat?" I asked him.
"Your sister made me breakfast.  Are you really okay?  Did you sleep?"
I nodded.  "Some.  I’m fine.  Thanks, though.  Thanks for staying.  Thanks for going to find me.  Thanks for being there.  I don’t even know why you did.  I don’t deserve you."
He smiled and shrugged. "I just couldn’t leave you, and yes you do."
I looked at him.  There was no sign of the stressful night on his face.  He looked rested, his skin scrubbed to a rosy color.
"We need to talk," I told him knowing I had to face my feelings for him. "But not right now, honey."
He nodded.  "It’s okay.  We can go out and finally have that dinner tonight.  What do you say?  Wear whatever you like."
"That sounds good."
He touched my hair and I followed his hand until he pulled me into his chest.
I felt him kiss the top of my head.  I don’t know how, but he still managed to smell good.
"We’ve been back together just over 24 hours and look at how crazy things have turned out.  I’m sorry," I said without moving away from him.
"I think they’ve turned out okay up to now.  I got the girl."
I wrapped my arms around his middle reminding myself not to hold back anymore.
"Did you tell Laura about last night?" I asked from his chest.
"Uh-uh, but I think she knows something’s up.  I’m pretty sure she heard."
I let go.  "I’ll tell her later."
"Okay.  Listen, I need to go shower and change, so I’m going home.  Besides, I have a chapter to read for history that I haven’t even started.  Why don’t I call you, so we can go out?" he asked.
"Sure, honey.  I think that would be great."
We watched each other for a second.  He looked away first.
"Okay.  Then, I’ll call you," he said.
I nodded.
Still nobody moved.
"Umm, then I’d better go.  Eat your breakfast," he said.  "Or is it lunch?"
"Brunch, I think. Bye, honey."
He just looked at me and didn’t budge.  I finally grabbed on to his waist and hugged him to me as tightly as I could. He held on for a really long time, then he kissed the top of my head again.
"I’d better go," he said.  "We’ll talk tonight, right?"
"Right.  Tonight."
"Bye."
I smiled tiredly at him.  "Bye."
 
 

My sister didn’t say much, except that she was happy that I was giving Nick a chance.  Well, that was a mouthful.  I wasn’t actually giving him a chance as much as giving us a chance to have something.  I knew better than to jump in head first with him.  Just because he was kind, gentle and sweet didn’t mean he was ready for a relationship.  And I obviously was far being perfect girlfriend material.
I explained all of that to him over dinner at a neighborhood Mexican restaurant.
"I understand," he said.  "It makes sense to take things slow, for the both of us."
We were sitting next to each other in a booth.  He was wearing khakis and a dark blue plaid shirt.  I was wearing jeans and a white blouse.  I’d worn my hair up in a pony tail and had kept the makeup simple.  We were both the antithesis of the night before.
"I really like you," I told him openly looking him in the eye. "I mean, I didn’t even think someone like you even existed.  But you do, and I’m a very lucky girl." I half laughed.  "I feel like a lucky girl who didn’t get killed the war but came home seriously wounded.  So, it’s going to take me a while to heal."
He smiled at me.  "Well,  I was considering medical school.  War wounds would have been my specialty," he chuckled and shook his head.  "I really like you too, Elisa.  You’re a great person.  I just don’t know why you don’t seem to understand that about yourself.  Last year, that’s all you could tell me.  To believe in myself.  That my personality would carry me through the hard times.  And it has.  You gave me the advice and never seem to have taken it yourself.’
I shook my head. "It’s different with me, Nick. I’ve been taught the same lesson over and over, and every time I’m tested, I fail.  I know better than do to get drunk and do crazy things.  It seems like I just always forget."
"Do you believe in God?" he asked.
"Sure.  I mean, I’m not the most religious person in the world, but I know He’s out there."
He sat up. "Well, in the group, I did have a friend in Brian for awhile.  He’s a great guy, and he’s very religious.  I think that’s why even though we were friends, I never fully related to him.
‘Cause I’m not.  But he was always saying that you have to give up control to God.  He had to make all of the choices for you.  I thought that was crazy.  God never spoke down to me and said, ‘Nick, get out of the Backstreet Boys or you’ll go nuts.’  But, I made a stupid choice that day in Cruces and took off with some guys who were just out to make me look bad, but instead I met you.  So, now that I look at things, reevaluate them, I sort of understand what he means."
I was confused.  "Explain this to me.  I don’t get it."
"Well, God never told me to leave, but he put you in my path, and he gave me mom who made sure I had an out of the group.  He never told you to do crazy things when you were younger, but when you were in a lot of trouble, he put Daniel in your path.  Those are the decisions He’s making for us.  We think they’re mistakes, but in all of the mistakes we’ve both made, there’s always something positive.  Even last night, when Garret showed up early, don’t you think God wanted you to see what a jerk he could really be?  I mean, any other guy didn’t have to say the things he said to you.  He could have just walked away or have wanted to kick my ass.  But insult you?  That just showed who he really was."
All I could do was watch him.  He made so much sense that I was speechless again.
"And here we are two people who have very similar and limited experiences," he said.
I had to laugh.  "Nick, my experiences are anything but limited."
He gave me a serious look.  "The real ones, Elisa.  The ones that count.  I’ve been too busy running around the world to have a serious relationship or even have the chance to open up to a girl.  I don’t know what’s it’s like to really be in love even though I thought I had been.  You haven’t had the best experiences with men.  They’ve always let you down, so then you let yourself down.  I don’t think any of that has been real love, either.  So, doesn’t that put us on a pretty even playing field, even though I’m younger than you?"
I nodded in agreement.
He took my hand into his.  "Then, we have a chance.  A real chance?  Right?"
His eyes went right through me. The seriousness in his face seemed to convey everything I was feeling:  happiness, nervousness, fear, anticipation.
"Right," I said.  "I’m willing to try."
"Try.  That’s all we can do," he said and leaned over to kiss me.  It was the first time we had kissed since Las Cruces.  I was so nervous that it was hard to do it naturally.  But I tried.
We were interrupted by someone who was passing a book in our direction.
"Kareoke?"  the waitress asked hopefully.
Nick took the book happily.  "Kareoke.  This ought to be fun."
"Oh Nick," I began.
"What?  Don’t you want to hear me sing?  I’ll sing to you.  Pick a song," he said holding the book out to me. "Just not a Backstreet Boys’ song.  You’ll give me away," he said softly.
Someone else was singing by that time.  They were awful, but Nick was nicer than me.  He actually clapped for them.
"This one," I said pointing to "Try Me" by James Brown.  "My dad used to play it for my mom all of the time.  Do you know it?"
He laughed.  "Do I know James Brown?  I used to sing some of his songs at...  Never mind.  I know this song.  I heard it on a movie once," he stood up.  "’Try’ me, that’s a good title.  It seems to be the theme of the evening," he said smiling at me.  "Hang on."
It was a good thing that I was a distance from the stage.  Otherwise, I might have dragged him off, so that I didn’t have to share him with anyone else.  He looked phenomenal singing the easy ballad.  The song is about giving someone a chance, but the other person isn’t really sure.  Nick belted it out loudly with the strength of his voice in full force.  The people in the restaurant were shocked by his talent and clapped loudly a few times during the song.  He ended up walking through the restaurant and standing in front of me holding my hand at the end of the song.  The tears easily welled up in my eyes just watching him extend his love, his life to me.
I stood up, and he pulled me to kiss him.  Everyone clapped and he laughed in the middle of the kiss.
"Oh man," he said.  "That was fun."
I hid my face in chest hoping to lose the unwanted attention.  He was uttering thank yous left and right.
"You’re shy," he said as we sat back down.  "I’m not shy.  You’re going to have to get used to that, or I’m going to embarrass you a lot."
I had to wipe my eyes and clear my throat.  "You could never embarrass me.  Thank you, Nick.  That was the sweetest thing any one has ever done for me."
He smiled.  "It was nothing.  Believe it or not, I never pass on kareoke.  It’s like cheating.  I get to stand up there, sing, listen to people clap.  Lots of good memories, none of the baggage.  That was a good song.  It fits us, don’t you think?"
I just nodded.  "Yup.  We said we’d try."
 
 
 

It wasn’t that easy to try.  We spent our first three weeks together playing phone tag since our schedules were as compatible as mine had been with Garret.  Between school and the volunteer work that he did, my student teaching and evening classes, we had weekends a maybe one night a week to see each other.  We made the best of it arranging to have lunch together whenever we were on the same side of town.  I even joined him some evenings in the retirement home and helped him take care of many sweet people who adored him.  They all sang his praises to me.  It was like had a twenty grandparents who loved him dearly.  I wasn’t surprised to see him have this effect on them.  Nick naturally drew people to himself.  He didn’t have to do anything.  It just happened.
"So, you’re Elisa,"  said one of the ladies at the nursing home. "Nicky talks about you all the time."
I looked up him.  "Nicky?"
He just rolled his eyes.
He squatted down to talk to her.  "Tell her what I said, Mary."
She laughed.  "He said you were the most beautiful girl in the world.  That you had been an angel to him. He’s an angel to us, you know?  He never forgets about his viejitos."
He wrinkled his nose.  "Viejitos?"
"It’s Spanish for old people.  It’s a term of endearment," I told him.
"I would never forget my viejitos," he said pulling her into a light hug.  "You guys always make my day."
She looked up to me after he let go and ran off to get her book.
"Take care of him," she told me in Spanish.  "He’s a very special boy, and I think he really wants someone to love him."
I squatted down as Nick had.  "Don’t worry," I told her.  "I’m never, ever going to hurt him.  And you’re right, he’s an angel."
She smiled and lowered her voice.  "But he doesn’t even know it."
I watched him with her and all of his viejitos.  He was light-hearted making them laugh and talk about themselves.  But most of them were interested in me that day.  They were pleased to know I was going to be a teacher and teased us about our age difference.
"It’s better that you’re older, honey," one lady told me.  "Men always die first.  You don’t want to be alone when you’re an old lady like me."
Nick made a face at her.  "You’re not alone.  What am I chopped liver?"
She laughed.  "Honey, you’ve always looked more like grade A beef."
We both started laughing while he turned red and choked on his giggles.
 
 
 

The weekends, however, were our time.  We spent many Friday nights dancing at the OP.  I even took back into the women’s bathroom so he could meet Carmen.
"Remember him?" I asked her.  "He was here all passed out?"
Carmen laughed.
Nick was pink from being in the women’s restroom and from being reminded of his little escapade.
"Thanks for taking care of me," he told her earnestly.  "I don’t know what I would have done without you.  Both of you."
"Oh it was nothing, mijo.  I ended up leaving that day anyway, remember?  It was Elisa who took care of  you," she said.
Nick wrapped his arms around my waist and squeezed tightly.  "You don’t know how grateful I am for that.  I try to pay her back, but she won’t let me."  I saw him wink at Carmen through the mirror.
I just shook my head and Carmen laughed.
"Oh, I think you’ve probably thanked her enough, right mija?" she touched my shoulder.  "I haven’t seen her this happy in a long time.  If ever.  You take good care of her, or I’ll come looking for you."
Nick laughed happily.  "I’m trying.  But really, thanks.  Thanks for everything."
"You’re welcome.  But don’t ever come back here like that again," she said.  "You guys just be happy together."
I let go of Nick and hugged her.  "Thank you.  I’ll see you soon."
Nick went and hugged her too before we left.  He covered his eyes and we passed by the stalls.
"Oh stop it.  You’ve been here before. What’s the big deal?" I asked.
He shook his head looking around.  "I can’t believe this is where you found me.  This is where we became friends."
I felt good to hear him call me his friend.  The truth is that we were friends.  We could talk about anything, anytime.
We went to dance and didn’t stop until almost three in the morning.  He was probably the only guy who could dance as long as I could.  I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me.  He used to do it for a living.
"Nick, have I asked you to promise me anything?" I asked as we walked out of the club.
He shook his head.  "Uh-uh.  Why?"
"Well, I need to ask you to promise me something," I said leaning my back against the driver side door of the Durango.
"That I’ll always be good in bed?  I can promise you that, but you’ll never know if we don’t try."
I pushed his arm.  "I’m serious. This is important to me."
His face changed.  He finally looked serious.  "What?  What do you want me to promise you?"
"I want you to promise me that you will always be my friend.  That no matter what ever happens between us, we will always be able to talk like we do now.  I can absolutely make the same promise to you.  No matter what, if you’re married, or back to being famous, or living life in a small town, you will always be able to count on me.  I will always listen to you."
He smiled.  "Oh my God, Elisa. That’s it?  That’s all you want me to promise you?"  He pulled me into his arms.  "You will always be my best friend.  No matter where I go or what I do, if you’re married, if you become a nun, if you are an old lady sitting on your back porch, you will always be able to count on me.  Always."
"Thanks," I said from his chest.  "You will always be my best friend, too."
Saturdays were our official date night.  We’d usually go to dinner and a movie and end up at his house or mine talking late into the night.
We didn’t always just talk.  Sometimes, we made out for a really long time and had to stop when things got too heavy.  I told him from the beginning that I wouldn’t have sex with him right away.  He snorted and said he’d never had sex with me.  Then he laughed, and we talked about it.  I hadn’t slept with anyone since Daniel.  He hadn’t since a girl he dated in Tampa.   I was still feeling the after effects of all the crazy stuff I had done to give into the growing desire I felt for him.  He said he respected that and understood it was his job to break my resolve.  Then he laughed again and said that it was okay.
It was on one of those Saturday nights that he got a call from home.
"That was weird," he said padding barefoot back into the living room where I was flipping through his art books.
"What?" I asked.
"My mom called me to say that Kevin, one of the guys from the group, has been calling asking her to give him my number.  She wanted to know if it was okay if she gave it to him."
"Why is that weird?" I asked.
He shrugged.  "Because it was Kevin.  If it was Brian, I could understand.  He at least tried to like me.  But Kevin?  He avoided me like the plague.  You know, I think he was relieved when he knew that I was leaving at least he wouldn’t have to deal with all of my crap anymore.  I wonder what he wants."
"Are you going to call him?"
"I don’t know.  It’s been almost a year now.  They’re doing fine without me.  I hope nothing’s wrong."
"Maybe he wants to know how you are.  Maybe he feels guilty about how things ended up with you guys.  People change."
He laughed. "You don’t know Kevin.  As the oldest member of the group, he felt it was his business to be in all of our business.  He was always annoyed with me and Brian for messing around.  We just liked to have fun.  But everything was business with Kevin.  He rarely said anything to me directly, but I know he thought I was unprofessional.  But I mean, I was thirteen years old when we formed the group.  Hell, I grew up there.  I did it for fun more than for money and fame most of the time.  Professionalism wasn’t that important to me.  But Kevin took everything very seriously, and I was never up to par.  I was happiest when he was so annoyed with me that he left me alone," he wrinkled his nose.  "Hmm, maybe that’s why I was always annoying him."
I shook my head.  "That doesn’t sound like you."
"Oh Elisa, there are dark corners of me you haven’t seen," he said poking my side.
I gave him a look.
He shrugged.  "Everyone is entitled to a little mystery.  Like Kevin, he had his moments.  Just when I thought he was going to turn to stone, he’d be in a really good mood and talk and play around with us.  He was a certified ball room dance instructor.  One day, he started teaching us how to dance salsa," he laughed seeming nostalgic about the group for the first time.  "We took turns being the girl before he’d let us lead, and Brian kept telling him, ‘Keep you mitts still, mister.’ And smacking him.  Kevin actually laughed.  It was fun.  I wonder what he wants now."
"Well, if you talk to him, you can stop wondering what’s going on.  Maybe he just needs to know you’re okay."
"Like he cares.  I just hope Brian’s okay.  He had a heart problem a couple of years back.  He had to have surgery and everything.  Those were some scary days.  I was so little that I looked up to him because he was cool and nice to me.  Then he got sick, and I got really scared.  I stayed away from the hospital a lot.  Not because I didn’t care but because it scared me to see him like that.  I’ve often wondered if he just thought I didn’t care.  His girlfriend was always there, and they became closer than ever.  He wasn’t the same with me after that.  He was nice, but he didn’t try to be my friend as much.  I don’t think he held it against me.  He just probably had enough to deal with.  His health.  His girlfriend," he shrugged.
I was quiet watching the memories play on his face.  His expression always conveyed his emotions.  I could read the curiosity in his eyes as well as the fear of what the reality might be.
"What are you going to do?" I asked finally.
He sighed. "Sit with you here all night."
"I meant about Kevin."
He shook his head.  "Nothing right now.  Maybe I’ll call him during the week.  Come ‘ere."
We began one of those long, frustrating yet invigorating make out sessions.  It would have been easy to say yes and have sex with him.  But beyond my fear of taking things too fast, it would have probably taken all of the fun out of everything.
He didn’t mention Kevin Richardson again for a few months.  When I heard the name again, I should have known that it would change everything.

The first part of the summer was incredible.  I graduated, and Nick decided not to attend summer school.  We had a two-week break before I began teaching at a summer program, so we decided to vacation in South Padre Island.  He had wanted to take me home to Tampa, but I refused because I didn’t feel ready to face his family.
"I saw How Stella Got Her Groove Back," I told him while we laid out on the warm Texas sand.  "I didn’t want to face your mom and have her question me."
He laughed.  "My mom wouldn’t question you.  She knows all about you.  You think I didn’t tell her?  She’s happy for me.  She thinks it’s cool that you’re a teacher.  And she wants to meet you."
He was shirtless just wearing some long shorts.  Out on the beach, he looked like one of those old Sunkist commercials.  His hair was even lighter, and his fair skin turned a golden shade of brown.  His electric eyes contrasted against his bronze face and sunny hair.
"Well still," I said.  "I’d really rather we just spend this time alone."
"Hmm, that sounds strange.  Why is it important for us to be alone here and not in El Paso or in Tampa?"
I shrugged and turned over to tan my back.  "It’s our first time out of town together, honey.  I just thought it would be better."
"Oh, I thought you had changed your mind about the sex thing."
"No," I said immediately.
Truth was my resolve was at its weakest point ever.  We had a double occupancy room but only used the other bed to dump clothes we didn’t feel like putting away.
"Just checking," he said.  "What do you want to do tonight?"
"Dance," I said.
"You always want to dance.  You dance more than any other girl I know.  You ever get tired of dancing?"
"Nope."
I heard him sigh.  He was restless.  I could tell he was dying to run around or work out, anything but lay out in the sun.
"Wanna go for a walk?" he asked.  "Maybe we can play volleyball or something."
I was enjoying the bake.  I hadn’t had a chance to lay out in years, and I wasn’t much for beach sports or any other kind of sports.
"No, you go ahead.  I’ll stay here."
He stood up.
"Are you sure?  We are on the beach and you never know what could happen to me if I’m alone," he said with a playful tone in his voice.
"Take your panic whistle with you," I told him.  "I’ll come running."
He clicked his teeth.  "By the time you get up, someone might have already taken advantage of me."
I rolled over to face him but had to shield my eyes from the sun.  He was smiling enjoying the fact that I was playing along.
"Umm, then make sure you make it last so I can come watch," I said coolly.
He gasped. "Ms.  Vasquez!"
"Honey, go!" I said playfully kicking his long leg.  "Go check out the chicks and swim a little.  I’ll be here."
"Are you sure?"
I nodded.  "Well, just don’t talk to the chicks.  You can check them out, but that’s it."
"Okay.  Don’t talk to anyone either."
"Don’t worry."
He started walking away but turned around.  "I’ll miss you," he called.
"I’ll miss you too," I answered.
I never thought it could be this way.  In all the years that I had been dating, I wanted to have someone exactly like Nick.   Spending time with him was like spending time with a friend.  There were no jealousies, no pressures, no doubts.  We just enjoyed each other.  In just two and half months, he had erased many of my bad memories.  By the same token, I think I gave him the opportunity to be that normal guy he always wanted to be.  I worked hard to put away my hang ups and make every experience new for the both us.  With Nick, that wasn’t hard.
I smiled to myself and rolled back over.
We didn’t just dance that night, we drank margaritas like there was no tomorrow.  Since we met, we had spent a lot of time in clubs and dancing but neither one of drank more than two drinks.  That night, the waitress kept bringing us the refreshing, salty drinks and we kept downing them.
I know we danced a lot and laughed a lot.  But I think neither one of us expected to end up tangled up in bed going way farther than we had ever gone.
He was the first to stop, catching his breath and moving to sit on the edge of the bed.
"What?" I asked.  "What’s wrong?"
He shook his head.  "We can’t.  You know we can’t.  Not like this."
I was sincerely puzzled.  "What?  Why?"
"Because we’re drunk.  You’re drunk, and my head is still spinning.  I’m not about to do this with you and have any regrets later."
I fell back on the pillow and watched him.  He was avoiding looking at me, preferring to stare at the wall.
"What if it’s time?  What if it’s what I want?" I asked him.  I had been considering ending the no sex rule. It was getting too difficult to me to abide by.  The alcohol had just lowered my inhibitions enough to act.
He shook his head.  "No.  We are not going to do this like this.  You have made wait, and wait, and I have.  I haven’t minded waiting because I understand the reasoning.  I know all about everything you’ve been through.  I’m not going to become part of that.  We made that decision together and sober.  If it’s going to change, it’s going to have to be sober."
I sucked in air.  He was always shocking me with how much he understood me.
"Want to wait till we’re sober?" I asked brightly.  "It’ll be a couple of hours."
He finally turned back to me.  "What?  Really?"
"Yeah.  I want you.  I absolutely want you.  I know this is exactly right.  I’ve been sure about it for awhile now.  Let’s just sit here.  Or you sit over there," I said pointing to the other bed.  "We’ll wait until we’re sober."
He laughed and hurried to the other bed.  I could hear him giggling like this was the funniest joke in the world.
I got warm and comfortable under the blankets in my bed.
"You’re going to fall asleep," he told me.
"Nope.  You are."
"Nope," he said.  "You are."
I just shook my head though I knew he couldn’t see me.
He starting humming then singing.
"You know a lot of songs," I told him.  "You’re always singing."
He half laughed.  "It was my job to know a lot of songs.  Remember?"
"I didn’t know you then," I told him my head starting to feel heavy, but I struggled to stay awake. "Remember?  Were they love songs?"
"Most of them.  Man, you really didn’t listen to our music.  What are you?  An ‘NSYNC fan?"
I tried to make out his face in the darkness.  "Who are they?"
"Never mind.  Yeah, we used to sing mostly love songs.  Some dance songs, but the majority were about love."
"And you were thirteen years old singing love songs?" I asked.
"Yeah. Why?"
"Did it ever feel strange to sing about something that you hadn’t truly experienced?"
He was silent.  "I don’t know.  I guess I never really thought about it when I was that young.  And even in the last few years, I enjoy the songs because they’re good songs."
"You don’t think you feel a personal connection with them?  I mean, you didn’t think about someone special while you were singing?"
"You mean like my girlfriend?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Uh-uh.  Not really.  If I liked a girl, I might sing to her.  But say a song like ‘I Need You Tonight,’ which was my solo, I just sang it.  To me, it was more about what I could do with my voice than what I was feeling.  The song is about wanting to be with someone who has reservations," he stopped then half laughed.  "It’s about someone like you and someone like me.  He thinks nothing else matters but that they’re in love.  She worries about everything else."
"I don’t worry about everything else."
"But you did," he said.
"And if you were to sing that song now.  What would you think about?"
"You," he said.  "You’re the only person I need tonight or any other night."
"You’re sweet," I told him.  "I wasn’t fishing for compliments."
"I know," he said.  "You never do.  You’re funny that way.  Most girls need to be reassured all the time.  You always act like everything is okay."
"That’s because it is."
We fell silent.
He’d occasionally ask me what time it was.  After two hours, he made me stand up and gave me a his own version of a sobriety test which I passed.
It was the longest night of the summer.
 
 

"Ms. Vasquez is your boyfriend one of the Backstreet Boys?" one of my summer school third graders asked, her eyes full of expectations.
I wanted to laugh.  "No, my boyfriend is not in the Backstreet Boys.  Why would you ask that?"
"That’s what Sara said.  She said it was the one that quit."
I shook my head.  "No, sweetheart.  Mr. C. just looks like one of the Backstreet Boys, but he’s not.  Isn’t your mom here yet?"
It was Friday afternoon, almost 1:30, summer school let out at noon.  This little girl was always getting left behind.
She shook her head, long brown braids bobbing along.  "No.  She said for me to wait with you."
I was going through all of the papers I would have to grade that weekend.  It never ended.  My teaching assignment seemed to involve more paperwork than actual teaching.
"Then sit down, sweetheart.  What are you doing this weekend?" I asked putting everything aside for her.
"Oh same stuff.  Going to Juarez, watching TV, playing with my sister," she said.  "Are you going out with your boyfriend?"
"Probably," I said.  Nick spent a lot of time in my classroom reading to my kids.  They, of course, had fallen in love with him.  Just like me.
"Ms. Vasquez, can you please come to the office?  There a love sick young man here to see you," said a strange, high-pitched voice.
That hadn’t been the PA system.  I looked at the door but there was no one.
"Ms. Vasquez?  He’s going into cardiac arrest.  Would you please come to the office?"
Alicia giggled.
I started curiously for the door when Nick flew in clutching at his chest.
"Uh, ugh, uh, uh," he mumbled.  "Ack!  Ack!"
Alicia’s laughter bubbled up loudly.
He reached past me up to her and held on to her skinny arm.
"Oh wait a minute, I feel better, nurse," he said smiling at her. "You want to be my girlfriend?"
She peeled her eyes at him.
"Well?  No?  No?" he asked her then looked up at me.  "She said no."
I shook my head. "She’s a smart girl.  How was your day?"
He shrugged.  "Fine. Boring. Long." He glanced back at Alicia.  "Boy, here I thought I liked Ms. Vasquez, but you got me beat."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because it’s Friday,  school’s been out for awhile, and you’re still here.  Fridays after school, I was always home watching Scooby Doo."
"I want to watch Scooby Doo," she told him.  "But my mom hasn’t come to get me yet."
I think he noticed the touch of fear in her voice.  "Oh.  Well, she’ll be here. She’s probably just running late.  You want to read to me?"
Her eyes glowed as she nodded.  "Yes!"
"Okay.  Go grab a book," when she was gone, he kissed me on the cheek. "Poor kid."
I shrugged.  "They do this to her everyday.  I don’t know why."
"Well, finish up what you need to, and I’ll watch her.  Maybe her mom will be here soon."
"Thanks," I told him and hurried to finish my stuff.
The woman showed up nearly at two.  Alicia had spent the time happily reading to Nick.  She gave him a big hug when she saw her mom.  I started politely reminding the lady that it wasn’t safe for Alicia to be left alone for so long and that I didn’t always stay after school, which was a lie.  She said that she had company over and just couldn’t get way.
"Bye Mr. C.," Alicia called as she walked away.
"Bye Alicia.  Have a good weekend," he told her.
She was practically at the door when she remembered me.
"Oh!  Bye Ms. Vasquez."
"Bye, sweetie," I said and looked at Nick.  "She likes you more than she likes me."
He shrugged.  "I always had a way with the little ones.  Sorry."
"It’s okay.  Thanks for staying with her.  I can’t believe she just gets left here like that."
"It happens a lot?" he asked.
"At least twice a week."
"Next time, we’ll take her home," he said confidently.
"Sometimes, I think she doesn’t want to go home," I told him dryly.
Nick sighed watching me.  "It sounds like you’re getting really close and involved here, Elisa.  They’re your students, not your kids."
I looked at him.  "What?"
"Well, don’t you have to maintain some level of detachment?  Even at the nursing home, I know better than to get really attached to anyone.  It’s hard.  Really, really hard when they show so much affection.  But they’re all temporary people in our lives.  Your students will move on next year, and if you’re attached, how will you feel then?" he asked sitting on my desk.
I sat next to him.  "Leave it you to be thinking about me.  You really are my best friend."
He put his arm around me.  "If I don’t think about you,  you won’t either.  Just be careful.  You’re easily heart broken, I know."
I shook my head and wanted to laugh.  "You are too much, you know that?  I can’t even believe how amazing and wonderful you are.  I must have really paid my dues back then to end up with you now."
His tanned skin flushed, but he smiled confidently.  "I’m the prize.  You’ve worked hard for your just reward."
I kissed my adorable reward, and then we gathered up my things.  We were going to dinner to celebrate our four month anniversary that evening.  We had actually celebrated each month like it was a milestone. It had been an incredible time without one single argument or bad moment.  Maybe he had been right about our being on the same playing field.  We were surprisingly understanding and easy to compromise for each other.  I guess the fact that we were always talking about being friends kept everything in perspective.
He left a change of clothes at my house the night before, so we wouldn’t have to make two stops.
After we watched TV for awhile, we both ran to get ready.  He was ready early, of course and ended up was sitting on my bed while I finished tying the strap in my shoe.
"I called Kevin," he said out of nowhere.
"Who?" I asked not even remembering about the phone call weeks before.
"Kevin Richardson. Remember?  The older, pushy guy in the group?"
I nodded. "Yeah.  What happened?"
He shrugged.  "He just wanted to talk.  He asked about what I was doing, how I was, what was new.  I don’t know.  It was strange, like he was trying to make it up to me or something."
"Is your friend okay?"
"Brian?  Yeah.  Brian’s fine."  He shook his head as if trying to shake a bug.  "I don’t really know what’s going on."
I sat next to him.  "Do they want you back?  They can’t have you back now, unless they’re offering millions and millions of dollars and some chocolate," I said trying to lighten his mood.
He laughed.  "No.  He didn’t say anything about that.  He wants to come see me, though.  They’re on a break for several months.  I told him right now wasn’t a good time, but maybe later this summer."
"Why later?"
"Because it’s so strange, Elisa.  When I left the group, I was leaving them.  I was walking away from their indifference.  Why, almost a year later, is he acting like it matters?"
I took his hand into mine.  "Nick.  I’ve watched you all of this time that we’ve been together, and I don’t understand how those guys didn’t fall in love with you.  Everybody else does.  You talk to someone for five minutes, and they’re looking at you with these eyes like they want to melt.  You have this strange magic that draws people to you.  I think that’s why Carmen helped you, that’s why I helped you, why it’s easy for you to be around kids and viejitos.  Maybe Kevin saw that in you too.  Maybe he just didn’t act on his love for you immediately because of your silliness or I don’t know.  But maybe, just maybe, he did and does care about you.  Maybe they all do," I took a deep breath.  "Not loving you is like trying not to breathe."
He turned to me.  Thoughts of Kevin erased from his face, he was just looking at me.
"Do you really love me?" he asked.
I was startled by his question but was more than happy to answer it.
"I love you.  I absolutely love you," I told him.
He pulled my face to his and kissed me.  "I’ve loved you for a long time already.  Everything takes you so long," he whined
I laughed.  "Sorry."
"It’s okay.  You make everything worth the wait."
The dinner was great, but nothing that special.  What I remember most was Nick singing again.  He sang and sang the entire night practically.  The crowd loved him and cheered him on and on so that he spent quite a while up on the stage.  I had never seen him like that.  His gaze was fixed on some unknown place in the distance because he already knew every song in the world.  But he looked more in his element than I had ever seen him at that point.  I think that for a moment, he even forgot I was there.
 
 

By the time summer school let out in the middle of July, we were both living part time in our homes.  He had clothes, shoes other essentials strewn all over my bedroom.  I had pushed him out of his side of the bed at his place.
One night at his place after catching our breath and uttering the usual wows and thank yous, he told me that he was ready to have Kevin visit him.
"I think it would be okay, don’t you?" he asked.  "We could show him around town.  Take him to Juarez."
I leaned my head on his shoulder.  "Nick, I doubt he’s coming just to go sight-seeing."
"You still don’t think he’s here to convince me to go back, do you?"
"I don’t know, maybe not.  Maybe he’s here to extend his friendship to you.  Maybe, he’s feeling like you were last year.  He might just need a break from his routine."
"Maybe," he said.
"Would you go back?  If that’s why he was coming here, would you go back with him?" I asked.
He rolled onto his stomach and turned to me.  He looked hurt suddenly and confused.
"How can you ask me that?" he whispered though we were the only ones in the house.
I touched his hair to put him at ease, "Nick honey, it’s just a question."
He shook his head.  "Do you think I would have gone through everything I’ve gone through to get here, everything I’ve put you through, to just go back on a whim?  Or because Kevin thinks I should?  No.  And I resent that you could think that."
I was watching him pout.  "I don’t think that.  I was just asking you.  It’s a possibility, you know.  You need to be ready for him to ask you that question."
He leaned on his elbows.  "I don’t care what he’s here to ask me.  It still confuses me that he’d want to come at all.  But I need to know what he wants.  I need to give him that chance."
"I understand, honey.  It’s fine.  There’s no reason why things won’t go great with him."
"Then, don’t think I’m running off on you, okay?"
I shook my head.  "I know you’re not.  I know you wouldn’t."
"Besides," he said lying back down drowsily.  "Didn’t I promise that we’d always be best friends?  I’ll always be in your life."
"Yup," I said.  "You will always be my best friend."
He settled in close to me and closed his eyes to sleep.  I wasn’t reassured by any means.  Maybe it was my past experiences talking again, but I decided to brace myself for the worst.  He was going to have tough decisions to make, and I wasn’t to get in the way of what he wanted.
 
 

Kevin was set to arrive the last week of July and stay for a month.  I would begin teaching my first year of second grade in the middle of August.  It gave us just enough time for me to meet and get to know Kevin a little, then for them to spend some time alone.
He was nervous the day Kevin was supposed to arrive.  I felt him leave the bed early and hurriedly begin to clean the house though the maid had been there the day before.
"The house is clean," I told him when I found him scrubbing the downstairs toilet.
"I woke you.  I’m sorry," he said.  "What time does Kevin get in, again?"
"Noon and it’s only seven-thirty.  Have you had breakfast?"
He shook his head. "I’m not hungry."
"Not hungry?"  I ran to him exaggerating and felt his forehead and cheeks.  "Are  you sick?  What’s wrong?"
He didn’t laugh.  He didn’t even smile.  "I want everything to be perfect, Elisa.  I don’t want Kevin to think that I’m a kid who can’t keep his own house."
I rubbed my sleepy eyes and picked up a sponge to start on the bathtub.
"He won’t think that about you," I told him.  "He’s not here to judge or criticize you.  Do you think he’d come all the way over here for that?"
He shrugged.  "I never thought he’d even want to come over here at all."
"It’ll be okay, honey," I told him stepping into the tub to clean the shower head and the handles.  "Stop worrying so much."
I’d never seem him so glum.  He couldn’t even smile at me, much less shrug his worries away.
 
 

Kevin’s plane was right on time.  I watched the stunning, tall, dark, young man dressed in black walk through the tunnel looking around.
Nick was craning his neck and then waved at him.
Kevin sped up and reached for Nick’s embrace.
"Little Frack!" he said with a laugh.  "Man, I swear you look taller."
Nick was holding him for a very long time.  They patted each other on the back heartily before letting go.  I noticed they were almost the same height.
"How was your flight?" Nick asked.
"Fine.  It was fine.  I slept most of the way.  How you doin’?"
Nick shrugged.  "Fine.  I’m fine," he turned and took my hand.  "Elisa this is Kevin.  Kevin, this is my girlfriend Elisa Vasquez."
He shook my hand smiling with steely blue/gray eyes that were very sexy but lacked all of Nick’s warmth.
"It’s nice to finally meet you," he said in an easy drawl.  "I’ve heard so much."
"Thanks," I told him.  "It’s nice to meet you, too.  I’m glad you’ll be able to keep Nick company when school starts."
"Yeah, you’re a teacher, huh?  It must be so cool to work with kids," he said.
"It is.  Anybody hungry yet?"  I asked knowing the next part of our agenda was to feed Kevin.
Nick nodded right away suddenly relocating his smile, and Kevin just shrugged.
"I could eat.  Let’s just get my bags," he said.
We took him to our favorite restaurant.  He looked around the family eatery as if trying to soak it all in.
"This is a great place, Nick.  I can see why you’re so happy here," he said.
Nick just smiled.  "I like it too.  It’s just been a really hot summer, and I miss the beach.  But we went to South Padre Island in June."
Kevin nodded watching us as if for the first time.  Nick pulled me closer to him, and Kevin smiled.
He shook his head.  "I doubt it’s the heat or the atmosphere that keep you here, kid.  How long have you guys been together?"
"Almost five months," Nick said.  "Man, time sure flies."
"Well, it does if you’re happy.  And I don’t think I’ve seen you happier.  Is this what getting away from all of the craziness does for you?"
Nick laughed.  "I don’t think it’s craziness for you, Kev.  You enjoy it too much.  I was the one climbing the walls.  I’m happy because I’m doing what I want."
"Where did you guys meet?" Kevin asked.
We both started laughing.
"What?" he asked startled.
"Remember that day in Las Cruces a year and a half ago when I took off?"
Kevin nodded.
"Well, I met these guys who got me really drunk and dumped in a gay bar.  She rescued me from the women’s restroom and took me home."
Kevin was still nodding, but his eyes widened as if something had dawned on him.  "You guys met since back then?  Wow.  I thought you might have met since you moved here."
I shook my head.  "It was pure luck we bumped back into each other at all."
"I bet," Kevin said.  "And you’ve been together since.  Must be nice.  I still can’t seem to find a girl who will put up with all of my shit," he stopped and looked at me.  "Excuse my language.  It’s just that everyone seems to have settled down but me."
"You will when you find the right person," Nick said right away.  "And it’s hard being in the band and trying to keep a girl.  So, it’s really not that much your fault."
Kevin nodded, "Yup.  You got a point there, Frack."
Just then our food arrived.  I was glad to have something else to talk about than mine and Nick’s relationship. Kevin began catching Nick up on the other guys and planning what they’d to do together while he was in town.  He’d be staying at Nick’s house.
Things went exceptionally smoothly.   The guys spent a lot of time playing basketball and going to the gym together during the day.  At night, Kevin would always leave us alone though I tried to give them room to hang out together.  He always insisted that he’d come to El Paso to rest, not to interfere with our dates.
So we continued our happy routine the first week he was in town.  That weekend, however, we decided to take him dancing.
"Elisa’s sister is coming too," Nick was telling him while I finished getting ready in his bathroom.  "You have to meet Laura.  She’s a blast."
"Is she cute?" Kevin asked.
Nick laughed.  "She’s very cute.  I think it runs in their family.  But she’s really funny.  You’ll like her."
I didn’t hear Kevin answer, but after awhile, they were laughing. Men.  Famous or not, they are exactly the same.
Laura was not going to be intimidated by Kevin.  She let him know that from the start.
"Now, what group did you say you were in?" she asked him as we walked up to the club.
I saw his eyes widen in slight disbelief.  "The Backstreet Boys," he told her.
He was looking gorgeous in tight black jeans and a fitted granite colored jersey.  His eyes smoldered gray under his dark eyebrows and against his light tan.
She made a face.  "Not sure I’ve heard of them.  You heard of them, Blondie?"
Nick laughed.  "Yeah.  I think so."
He was wearing his khakis and his white, ribbed blue jersey.  He and Kevin contrasted so much:  light and dark.
"Oh!" Laura said.  "The Backstreet Boys!  That’s where Blondie ran away from, huh?  Well, that’s where all the talent went."
Kevin gave her a look while Nick just laughed.
"I’m just kidding, Kevin," she said giving him a looking at him sweetly.  "I’m really just playing."
He shook his head at her.  "You’re a handful, girl.  Nick already warned me about you."
She squeezed in close to him.  "What did he say?  Did he say I was dangerous?"
"No!" Nick began.
"Yup," Kevin said.  "He said to watch out for your bite.  But honestly, you’re all bark."
Laura was aghast.  Rarely, did men stand up to her sense of humor. Usually, they let her step all over them.
Kevin smiled at her.  "I’m just playing, Laura," he said mocking her.
Nick had his arm around me, he turned and kissed my hair.  "It’s going to be a long night," he said softly.
"She’ll settle down," I told him.  "She knows when to stop."
They bickered until we had our first drinks.  After that, they just wanted to dance.  We were back at the OP.  It had become El Paso’s only real dance club. Grahams was too much of a pick up place, and no other club had such great music.
Nick and I were sitting at a table right by the dance floor watching Laura and Kevin try to outdo each other.  He was all intensity shaking it for all it’s worth.  She didn’t look him in the face and made eye contact with the other men in the crowd just to get a rise out of him.  He just ignored her.
Nick shook his head with a short laugh.
"What?" I asked him.
"You guys are so different," he said.  "I never thought about that.  Your sister is really cool.  I like her, but if Laura had found me here that day, things would have been very different, huh?"
"To say the least."
He sighed.  "Then, I’m glad it was you.  I’ve always been glad it was you." He looked back out at them.  "They seem to have finally hit it off."
"They’re too much alike," I told him.  "I don’t know much about Kevin, even now.  But he doesn’t seem like the most generous person in the world.  And to Laura, Laura comes first and second and third.  They’ll probably hate each other by the time Kevin leaves."
"Oh I doubt that," he said.
I looked up at them.  They were finally looking at each other.  His hand was on the small of her back as if protecting her from the growing crowd.  Suddenly, they both laughed.
"Well, well," I said.
Nick pulled my hand into his.  "Hey, things are going really great with Kevin.  Did I tell you?"
"No.  You haven’t said that much.  What has he told you?"
"That he just wanted to see how I was.  I think you were right.  He felt guilty about never giving me much of a chance.  He’s really cool, you know.  He hasn’t been critical of me at all," he said with a smile.  "And I think he really likes you for me.  He probably thinks you’re the reason I’ve finally grown up."
I started laughing.  "Honey, you’re more grown up than me."
He wrinkled his nose.  "What?  No.  I think it’s because I don’t act as silly.  And besides, his paycheck doesn’t depend of me anymore, so he doesn’t care if I’m a flake."
"You are not a flake."
He shrugged.  "Not anymore.  He always tried to act like our big brother, but he sucked at it.  I’m the oldest in my family, and I’m always there for my sisters and brother, or I try to be.  I’ll listen to them and give them feedback if they ask me for it  And support them more than anything. But all he used to do was scold us, like we were his kids.  I think he finally got the hang of the big brother thing, though.  It’s cool."
"See, and you were all worried.  I’d never seen you worried."
He looked up at me with one of the most serious expressions I’d ever seen on his face.
"I worry a lot, Elisa.  I worry about you, about us.  I don’t want to screw this up.  Maybe I don’t bite my nails about it like I did with Kevin’s visit, but it’s in the back on my mind."
I touched his hair, pulled his face to mine and kissed him over and over again.
"Stop worrying about us.  We’re fine," I told him staying close to his face.  "You’re here.  I’m here.  Let’s make the best of it."
He kissed me one last time.  "Okay.  Yeah.  You’re right."
"Hey!!  Hey goof balls!!"
"Quit sucking face."
We both looked up to find Laura and Kevin trying to get our attention.  They motioned for us to go dance.  Nick pulled me up, we joined them.
 
 
 

I was supposed to officially start school, the second week in August.  But because it was my first year, I decided to go back before that just to set up my room.  The first day, Nick and Kevin went to help me move stuff around.  The room was a mess since it had gone unused the year the before.
The guys had quickly moved out old, rickety things and helped me clean out the dusty corners.
"You know, I need some soda now.  You guys want some?" Nick asked.
"I want water," I told him.
"Me too," Kevin said.  "You want me to go with you?"
"Nope," Nick said stepping over the boxes.  "I’ll be right back."
It was the first time Kevin and I were ever alone in a room together.  We usually had polite, conversations about the weather and movies, but that was it.  I didn’t dislike him as much as just not trust him. I held the usual resentment against him for making Nick unhappy in the past.  He didn’t seem very interested in my opinion of him.  So, we hardly ever spoke even though he’d been in town two weeks.
"Man, I haven’t cleaned in forever," he said then he half laughed.  "No, the last time I cleaned was when Frack over here left us in the middle of the tour.  We had to get all of his shit off of the bus.  I was thrilled," he said emphasizing the sarcasm in his voice.
I just looked up at him unsure of how to respond.
"He left stuff everywhere," Kevin continued. "The stupid video games, CDs, clothes.  Is he still really messy?"
I shook my head and finished dusting the bookshelf.  "No.  He takes really good care of his house.  It’s  big deal to him.  He’s worked really hard to be responsible about his things."
Kevin laughed.  "Responsible?  That kid has never been responsible.  You must bring out the best in him."
He was pounding away at an old desk that had a loose leg.
"We bring out the best in each other," I said trying not to sound too defensive.  "I really needed someone like him in my life."
"Someone immature?"
I didn’t say anything.  I had to catch myself before saying anything I’d regret.  I told myself he was just kidding, but he did nothing to show me that he was.  He tightened the leg on the desk and looked at me for an answer.
"He’s not immature," I said simply.  "He’s young.  But I think he knows a lot more than I sure did at his age."
Kevin’s steely eyes watched me.  He had put away the niceness facade.  I had been waiting for this for awhile.
"You know, he likes you because you say no to him," he said.
I stepped over a box of my stuff to stand closer to him.  "I know why he likes me," I said still trying to sound at ease.
Kevin shook his head.  "Don’t get me wrong.  You’re a great girl.  Pretty, nice, smart, with a career.  But Nick’s lived a life of privilege, even before the group.  He was used to getting things his way.  When we started getting successful, his head got really big.  He wanted to do everything and be everywhere.  He wanted to center of attention.  And you know, we were stupid enough to let him.  Yes, Nick you get the solo.  Sure Nick, you can sing most of the songs.  No problem.  But you know, somehow that wasn’t enough for little Nick because he started suffering from our neglect and decided to walk away," Kevin shook his head.  "Like he ever tried to cultivate any friendship among us.  The only thing that kid suffers from a is too much, too good, too soon syndrome.  No one’s ever stood in his way, or said no to him about anything.  And I think that bores him.  But come on, you must say no to him. He wouldn’t have stuck around so much if you didn’t.  Giving it all away on the first night didn’t work for any of the other girls."
"Well, you just proved that you don’t know shit about him," I said.  "Excuse my language."  I shook my head to maintain my composure.  "You’ve got him all wrong.  It’s no wonder he was miserable.  All Nick wanted was a chance to be himself, and you guys stifled it.  His career stifled it."
"Oh please!"  Kevin said.  "Please, don’t ask me to feel sorry for him."
"No, I wouldn’t want you feeling sorry for him.  Neither would he.  But with me, here, and even when he was alone, he had the chance to be himself.  To make mistakes.  He answers only to himself and has no one to judge him.  How would you like to have been his age and have all of the responsibilities that he did?  To be away from home with only someone like you to guide him."
"Someone like me?" he asked.
I cleared my throat.  "Someone who criticizes him and belittles his every move.  He’s afraid of you, Kevin.  Before you showed up, all he did was worry that his house was perfect, that it was spotless.  He didn’t want you to find one dirty shirt or one speck on the floor.  Why on Earth do you care if he’s messy or not?  You never slept in his room, did you? He worried about all of that for weeks. And I’d never seen him worry before.  And for what?  To impress you?  He shouldn’t have bothered.  It’s not like you care."
He shook his head again.  "You’ve got this all wrong.  He’s got you tangled up in all of his mess just like his mother.  I never belittled him or judged him.  I just expected him to live up to his side of the deal.  He was hired to do a job, to play a part.  He had to put up with the homesickness, the work, the other guys.  We all did.  It was our job."
"And he was kid.  Kids aren’t supposed to have jobs.  Not ones that demand that he check in his personality to impress you."
"I didn’t want him to impress me.  I wanted him to do his job.  How do you think we all felt when he started running off in strange cities?"
"How do you think he felt?" I asked.  "Did you ever bother to ask him why?  Or did you just say, ‘Oh, there’s Nick, up to the same old shit.’?"
He ran his hands through his short hair and took a deep breath.
"And he likes me, no he loves me, because I’ve given him a chance to be the man he really is," I told him.  "Not the kid you expect him to be."
"It wasn’t about me, Elisa," he said lowering his voice.  "It was never about me.  I know that he was young.  Hell, when I was his age, I was engaged to someone older than you.  I wanted to be a man, too.  But falling in love doesn’t make you man.  Working and being responsible make you man."
I shook my head this time.  "It’s not about love, or work, or responsibility.  It’s about his happiness.  He will truly be man when he’s happy wherever he is, whatever he’s doing.  And don’t think for a minute that I’ve lost sight of that."
He rubbed his chin.  The room was so quiet that I heard his light stubble rub against his hand.
"I want that for him too," he said.  "Believe or not, I didn’t come here to criticize him or--."
"Why did you come here?  Honestly," I asked him finally.
He shrugged.  "I wanted to see for myself what he was doing.  I wanted to witness that he actually pulled off being on is own and being okay with it.  I didn’t think he could do it."
"Well, he’s fine," I said.  "He would be fine without me too."
Kevin half laughed.
I met his gaze. "I know what you think about me, Kevin.  I saw your reaction when Nick told you we met when you guys were on tour here the last time.  But I didn’t ask him to come back or even to accept me as his girlfriend.  Those were things that he wanted.  I’ve just been lucky that he chose me."
Kevin took a step toward me then said in a very soft voice,  "You know, I’d like to believe that.  But I don’t.  If I was critical of Nick, it was because he was so goofy but also so trusting.  He didn’t tell you about the stupid chicks that would break his heart when he was kid.  He never had any idea how take care of himself.  Or his wallet."
We both heard Nick’s tennis shoes squeaking down the hallway. I went to open my box, and Kevin sucked in air and moved to look out the window.
"Sorry it took me so long," Nick said.  "There were no machines, so I had to go to the Seven-Eleven.  It’s just down the street."
"Thanks man," Kevin said taking his water.
I stood up and took mine too.  "Thanks honey, but I think we’re finished here.  You guys all ready did all the men’s work.  I’ll come back tomorrow and put up all of the decorations on my own."
He shook his head.  "We’ll put decorations, huh Kev?"
"Sure," Kevin said.
"It’s okay.  Let’s just go.  I’ll come finish tomorrow."
"Are you sure?" he asked.  "Some of those bulletin boards are kind of high, and what if you can’t reach them?"
I tried hard to smile at him naturally. "Are you calling me short?"
"Are you saying you’re not?" he asked.
I grabbed on to his middle.  "No.  I know I’m short.  I’ll just climb on the tables.  It’s okay.  Why don’t we go home?"
He sighed.  "Well, if you’re sure.  I just wanted to help."
Kevin half smiled, and I went to get my purse.
"You’ve both already helped plenty.  Let’s go," I told them hoping that my heart would stop pounding in my chest.
 
 

Kevin and I continued to have our civil relationship.  It was damn hard.  I was lucky that school started, and I was too busy to worry about him.  Nick told me that they spent most of their time just hanging out and doing guy things.  And it’s not that I didn’t worry about him.  But I thought that Nick had grown up enough to hold his own against Kevin’s criticism.  And I wanted to believe that Kevin really had Nick’s best interest at heart.  But I knew that Kevin had carried with him part of that world that was so foreign to me.  It wasn’t long before Nick had bought a piano, and the two of them took to playing music and writing songs.
My second graders were wonderful.  They were eighteen little individuals who needed me to be there for them and guide them along.  When I was teaching, I forgot about Kevin, Nick’s future and even Nick himself.  It made a good refuge against what I knew was inevitable.
But the inevitable got put on hold one Friday afternoon that I actually finished up my paperwork and was able to leave school on time.  I drove straight to Nick’s house hoping he and Kevin didn’t have plans.  I wanted to take him out to dinner so that we could catch up.
The house was silent as I opened the door.  Usually, the radio was going full blast, there was a movie on, or I would hear the guys playing basketball in the back.
I looked around the living room thinking maybe he’d left me note.
Suddenly, I heard something come to crash and shatter in the kitchen.
"Nick?"  I asked hurrying over there.
I felt like a horrified mother when I found him barefoot and picking up the shards of glass with his hand.
"What are you doing?  Are you okay?"
He looked up startled.  He sniffled and wiped his red nose with is his forearm.
"Yeah, I was just being clumsy," he said softly.  "It’s okay."
I went to get the broom.
"Don’t get those with your hand, honey.  You’re going to cut yourself."
"It’s okay," he said again.  Then, "Ouch.  Oh great."
I went back and squatted down to find him picking glass out of his hand with a thin line of red blood running down his palm.
"Honey, look what you did.  We need to clean that up," I said pulling him up.  "Watch out with the glass," I said guiding him to the sink.
It was strange that he gave himself up to me like that.  He usually enjoyed playing macho and acting like everything was okay.
I cleared the slivers out of his hand then put it under running water.  It wasn’t bad.
I was trying to get a good look at his face.  His hair was growing long again, so it covered his eyes.  But his nose was raw, I could see that clearly.
"Are you all right?" I asked him.
He nodded and sniffled but didn’t answer.
The blood stopped flowing quickly enough, so I bandaged up his hand and kissed his fingers.
"There," I told him. "All better now."
He didn’t move away from me.  And it was shocking that he hadn’t said a word.
"Nick?" I asked finally clearing all of that hair from his face.  "What’s going on?"
He looked up at me.
He was crying.  His eyes were swollen and red.  The tears still came easily sliding down his face, but he swallowed hard.
"What happened, honey? What’s wrong?"
He didn’t answer.  He just fell into my arms and wept like a little boy.  I had never seen him like that.  He was choking on his sobs and gasping for air.  I held him tightly to me and rocked him gently.
"It’s okay," I told him just as many times he had said to me.  "Everything is okay.  No matter what.  It’ll be okay."
I ended up sitting on the floor with my back against the refrigerator.  He was still curled up in my arms trying to make himself so small he’d almost disappear.  I could see the broken glass all over the floor, on the other side of the kitchen, but he was quiet now, just holding on.
I kissed his hair and held him as tightly as I could.  I already knew Kevin was behind the whole thing.  I didn’t have to wait for him to tell me the whole sordid tale, but he did.
"We were talking about you," he said sitting Indian-style in front of me now picking at his bandage.  "It was all okay.  He’s always giving me advice now about how to act around you, how to treat you," he shrugged.  "I guess he figures he knows more because he’d older."
"And what did he say about me?"
"About you?  Nothing.  It was all about me.  He said there was no way I’d be able to hang on to you for long.  He said now that you were teaching, you’d meet other guys your age.  Professional guys.  He called them real guys.  Like I’m not real."
"Why do you even listen to him?" I started.
"But that’s not all," he said.  "We finally started talking about what happened when I left. He said that Brian cried.  Then he kept saying that Brian thought he had failed me. Kevin said that I had let the fans down.  He told me that sometimes, he’d meet fans who would just ask about me, and he wouldn’t know what to say.  He said that he got tired of making excuses for me.  That I wasn’t man enough to show my face and explain what I had done.  He says I let a lot of people down.  He’s right, you know?  I did let a lot of people down."
I shook my head. "That was a long time ago.  Why is it such a big deal now?"
"Because I was being selfish.  I was just worried about myself and my happiness.  I should have tried harder.  I should have been the one reaching out to them, instead of expecting them to do it for me," he said bitterly.  "He says some of the girls would cry for me.  I hate the thought of making little girls cry."
I had never struck any one in anger.  But if Kevin was standing in front of me, I could have knocked his head off.  He was pushing all of Nick’s buttons:  Brian, the fans, me.  This guy was an expert manipulator.
"I just felt so bad when he told me all of that.  He said I was just being coward hiding out over here.  He said that I had taken the easy road to protect my ego, not my heart," he sucked in air.  "And he said I was holding you back from you need to do.  That you had no business with someone so much younger than you because I could never make up the gap of experience that other men have over me."
"Nick, what on Earth does he know about us?  About me?  He wasn’t here last Spring when I told you about my past.  He wasn’t on the porch when Garret showed up and said all of those awful things to me.  He doesn’t know shit," I said.  "Why do you even listen to him?"
He didn’t answer me.  He just buried his head in his hands.
I touched his hair, but he just flinched, so I took my hand away.
"I don’t understand how someone can come in here and make you doubt everything you have worked so hard for?  What is he to you, Nick?  What has he ever been to you?"
"But what if he’s right?" he asked, his voice muffled by his arms.  "What if I’m just hiding?  What if I’m holding you back?"
"Those are questions only you can answer," I told him being more painfully honest than he probably wanted me to be.
He was silent.
"Did he see you this upset?" I asked him finally.
"Yes," he said wiping his nose then looking up.  "I tried to hold my ground with him, to explain myself, but I just kept feeling bad about everything that he was saying to me.  He kept saying, ‘You know I’m right. You know I’m right.  You wouldn’t be upset if you didn’t think I was right.’"
"He’s not right," I said.  "He’s just sick.  He just wants you to feel guilty for being happy."
Nick shook his head.  "I think he just wants me to think about things another way."
"His way?"
He shrugged.
"Have you ever stopped to think that he really just wants you to come back to the group?  That if he points out what’s wrong with everything you have now, you’ll see his logic and come back?"
He just closed his eyes like he didn’t like what I had said, so I stood up.
"Honey, I can’t and I won’t tell you what to think.  You’re the only one who can decide how important his opinions are to you.  If what he says makes you this upset, maybe it’s something you need to think about."
I went to get the broom again to clean up the glass.  Slowly, he got off the floor and padded out of the kitchen.
I left him alone for awhile and busied myself cleaning up after them.  I hated cleaning, but somehow, I had picked up Nick’s nervous habits.  It wasn’t that the house was mess, but inevitably, guys just leave stuff lying around.  I was even glad to have something to do.  I didn’t want to leave him alone, but I didn’t want to be around when Kevin came back.  God only knows what I would say to him.
After awhile, I went to check on him.  He was curled up on his huge bed asleep.  For the first time, he looked like child to me.  It struck me that Kevin had even planted doubts in my head because I knew he was no child.
I pulled out the blanket and covered him up against the refrigerated air.  He took hold of my arm.
"Thought you were asleep," I whispered.
"I can’t sleep. Will you just stay here with me?" he asked.
I sank into his embrace under the blanket.  It was still my favorite place in the world.
He told me later that Kevin had stormed out of the house and left him crying on the back porch about ten minutes before I walked in.  We talked for a long time about Kevin’s intentions.  Nick sincerely thought that Kevin was trying to get him to think about what he had done.  He thought that Kevin had confronted him out of anger since his leaving had created problems for the group.  They were left to answer questions which they were clueless about.  He had also told him that some of the guys took to blaming each other, especially Kevin for Nick’s departure.  Nick was convinced that Kevin had sought him out not only to confront him, but because he felt some guilt, and because he wanted to make amends.
I was sure that he was trying to manipulate him into returning to the group.  He knew that he intimidated Nick so it was easy to push his buttons.  But Nick, as usual, wanted to believe the best in people and just didn’t believe me.  I didn’t press the issue.  Regardless of Kevin’s intentions, the confrontation had awaked some doubts in him.  I knew that without him even telling me.
We never made it out to dinner that night.  When Kevin returned almost at midnight, I was upstairs going through some of the things I was keeping at Nick’s.  He was downstairs looking for a movie for us to watch.  At first, I stood at the bedroom door listening because I was afraid that the confrontation might continue or that Nick might be silly enough to try to explain himself to Kevin.  But men are strange when dealing with each other.  I heard some half-assed greeting from Kevin when he walked in.  Nick responded then fell silent.  I think Kevin asked him about me, then said something else.  By the time I heard Nick laugh, I moved away from the door and finished what I was doing.
The rest of the time Kevin spent in town was pretty calm.  I don’t think they ever talked about what happened that day, and I never mentioned my conversation with him to Nick.   I had learned long ago not to bad mouth a guy’s friend no matter what kind of jerk he was.  But Nick and I became the united front.  Kevin pretty much understood that his mission had failed.  If indeed he had one.  Part of me still wanted to believe that he was decent guy.  I guess Nick’s desire to believe that people were good had rubbed off on me as well.
We had a barbecue at my house the day before he left.  Laura was there, so I had to keep my feelings about Kevin to myself.  Nick looked like he had completely forgiven him.  Either that or he had accepted what Kevin had said to him.
"Well, I just want to thank you guys for showing me such a great time," Kevin said while we ate.  "I’m glad to see you’re doing so well," he told Nick.  "And I’m glad to have met you ladies. I can go back and tell the guys that he’s in good hands.  Thanks for putting up with me."
"Anytime, Kev," Nick said.  "You know where to find me now."
"Yeah," Kevin said.  "And don’t you go forgetting about us, Frack.  Call every once in awhile."
Nick smiled and nodded.
"When do you start touring again?" I asked.
"November through December.  We’re going to shoot some more videos next and probably more TV appearances," he smiled one of his rare smiles.  "Then it’s back to the grind."
"Oh, you love it," Nick told him.  "I know you do."
"I do," Kevin said.  "I don’t think I could be anything else in this world."
No one said anything to that comment.
Kevin sat up.  "Hey, I think we’re doing Austin and Dallas close to Christmas.  Why don’t you guys come visit?  You’ll be on Christmas vacation, Elisa.  Or did you guys have plans?"
I shook my head.  Nick shrugged uneasily.
"I was thinking about going home," he said.  "I haven’t been to see my parents in awhile."
"Well, look, we do Austin and Dallas, then a couple of dates through Oklahoma, then Florida.  You could make a vacation out of it and end up at home.  What do you say?"
I just looked at Nick.
"I think it would be great," piped up Laura.
Kevin looked at her.  "Oh not you.  I didn’t invite you."
"I don’t need an invitation, Kevin."
He half laughed. "No, come along.  I’d love for you to meet AJ."
"Who’s AJ?" she asked.
Nick laughed.  "I would never leave the two of them alone together in the same room.  They’d kill each other.  Or the room would blow up with all of their energy or something," he looked at me.  "What do you think?  You want to meet the guys this Christmas?"
He looked hopeful.  I was hopeful he was just trying to humor Kevin.
"Sure honey.  I think it’s great.  My sister lives in Austin.  Maybe we could visit her."
Kevin made a face. "Is she anything like this one?" he asked pointing at Laura.
Laura smiled one of her killer smiles.  "There is no other like me."
We all laughed.
I was blissfully at school when Nick took Kevin to the airport the next day.   It was none too soon for him to be gone.
 
 

We were back to settling into a routine.  Nick went back to school only part time that September.  It worried me that he wasn’t taking school seriously anymore.  He still showed up at my classroom at least once a week to read with the kids.  We spent a lot of time together talking and hanging out on the weekends.  The weeknights were full of paperwork and planning for me.  He busied himself tinkering on the piano which Kevin had sort of taught him how to play.  I noticed even then how the music was inside of him.
I often wondered how much Kevin’s visit had influenced him.  He continued to be the same loving, stable guy.  We never did go back to the restaurant where he liked to kareoke.  I guess we didn’t need to.  By early December, Kevin called him to finalize plans for our visit.
We would fly to Austin a day before the show so that we could visit my sister.  We were going to stay at the same hotel as all of the guys  who would perform the day they arrived.  We would then have a day of rest and travel on the way to Dallas, then another show.  After that, would be two more days of travel.  Then, they would perform one show after the other in Oklahoma, then a day of travel into Florida.  They had two shows to do there before ending up in Tampa.  In Tampa, we’d spend Christmas and New Year’s Eve with his family and have a couple of days to visit before coming back to El Paso just in time for school to start up again.
Nick was excited days before we even left El Paso.  He was packed almost two days in advance and was lugging along Christmas presents for his family and all of the guys.  He had failed one of the classes at the University, but it hadn’t seem to faze him.  He shrugged it off saying that  he’d just retake it that summer.  I was nervous about everything from what I would wear to what I would say.  I didn’t only have to worry about meeting the guys, but his family as well.  It was bit much for me, but I couldn’t let him see that.  He was too happy.
Laura was going to spend Christmas in Austin, so she was going to go ahead an fly with us.
"I don’t know," I told her in the airport while he was off buying magazines.  He didn’t like flying so he had to have something to read.  "I’m nervous.  What if his family hates me?  What if they think I’m too damn old."
She shook her head.  "Don’t worry about them. Didn’t you say Nick had already told them all about you?  He wouldn’t be taking you home if it wasn’t okay."
I sucked in air.  "It’s a lot to do at once. We’re supposed to travel with the guys then stay with his family.  I could do one thing well or the other, but both?  I’m scared."
She elbowed me.  Nick was in line at the shop with his magazines.  The lady in front of him was holding a baby.  The baby was laughing and cooing at him.  Nick was shaking his chubby hand.
"How can you be scared with him around?" she asked.
I didn’t answer.  Sometimes, he was what scared me most.
 
 

"This is Howie and this is AJ," Nick was saying.
Howie smiled and shook my hand.  "It’s nice to meet you.  I’m glad you and Nick could join us for a couple of days."
"Thanks," I told him. "I’m glad to be here."
AJ grinned ear to ear then looked at Nick.
"Frack, Frack, Frack," he said.  "I knew you weren’t that dizzy blonde you were always pretending to be."  He finally smiled at me.  "It’s nice to meet you.  Let me know if I can help out with anything."
I smiled back at him.  He seemed interesting enough.  "I will.  Thanks."
Nick was showing me around the backstage area.  There were huge tables with food everywhere.  Howie and AJ had been the first to arrive for the sound check.  So, that made them the first to enjoy the food.
"Follow me," AJ told me.  "I’ll show where they hide the shrimp."
I laughed, and Nick just shook his head.  Howie was talking to him about something.
AJ piled two plates high with food.  "If we don’t do this," he was saying.  "Everyone else will beat us to the good food.  Howie and I learned that lesson already.  If we want to eat, we get here early."
"Nick!  Nick!" we heard someone practically yell.
"That’s Brian," AJ informed me not even looking up.
Brian was hugging Nick so hard, I heard him cough.  Then he even tried to pick him up.
"Frick!  Man, you’re going to break your back," Nick said giggling.
"Frick?" I asked AJ.
"Oh, those were their nicknames. Frick and Frack," he shrugged.  "You know how it is, everyone has to have a nickname.  Let’s go meet Bri."
I let Howie have my plate while I watched Nick and Brian talking quickly trying to catch up without taking a breath.  I don’t think either understood what the other was saying.  And it was just funny to see how Nick towered over the short, light brown-haired guy.
Nick finally looked up at me and stopped Brian.
"Brian, Elisa is here, you have to meet her," he said putting his hand out to me.
Brian covered his eyes. "Oh, I can’t look.  I’m so excited," he said exaggerating his southern accent.
"Oh shut up and look," Nick told him.
I was laughing.
He opened his eyes.  "Hi I’m Brian," he said with a huge smile on his face.
"I’m Elisa," I said shaking his hand.  "Nice to meet you."
He shook his head seriously.  "The pleasure is all mine.  I have to straight out thank you for taking care of my little guy.  I was worried about him being out on his own.  When Kevin told me how great you were, I just stopped worrying."
"Thanks," I said.  "I think he ends up taking care of me more often than not."
"Aww, that’s cute, isn’t that cute?" Brian said going back to the thick accent.  "You’re purtty. What a purtty girlfriend you have, Frack."
Nick slipped his arms around my waist. "Thanks.  I know.  But what’s going on with you?  Where’s Leigh Ann?"
Brian shrugged.  "You know how it is.  Bumps in the road.  It’ll be okay.  She’ll be crying on the phone by Christmas Eve, or I will.  Whatever."
"Sorry to hear that," Nick said softly.
Brian just shook his head.
He leaned closer to me.  "Hey, did AJ and Howie already take all of the shrimp?"
AJ smiled at me from across the room and put his finger to his lips.
"I don’t know, Brian.  Really," I said.
They were great guys.  They readily took Nick and me in.  I liked the way they laughed and joked with each other.
Kevin strolled in half an hour later.
"Well, well," he said.  "It looks like the reunion started without me."
They all greeted him at different times.
"Hello Elisa," he said shaking my hand. "How do you like it here so far?"
"It’s great," I told him. "The guys are great."
"Yeah they are," Kevin said.  "Bunch of bozos."
Each of the guys made some kind of response to him.  AJ did it with his middle finger.
Kevin smiled at them.
"Boys, we’ve got work to do.  I think the guys are ready for the sound check," he said.
They didn’t scramble at his command.  Howie first put his plate down then disappeared to the bathroom.  Brian went to check his voice on his own since he had just gotten over a cold.  AJ sat still eating.
Nick pulled my hand.  "Let’s go watch from the seats.  I always wanted to do this."
The guys sang beautifully even without Nick.  I could hear him next to me whispering the words to the songs.  I knew he hadn’t forgotten them.  He probably never would.
After they checked the sound, the real preparations for the concert began.  Nick and I tried to stay out of the way, as the guys checked their wardrobe, stylists began working on their hair and more and more people arrived.  Many of them were thrilled to see Nick.  He introduced me to each of them as his girlfriend.  No one made a dubious face at me.  They all seemed really nice and happy to see Nick among them again.
We watched the concert from the monitors backstage. Nick wanted to sit in the audience but changed his mind when Howie asked him what he’d do if anyone recognized him.  I think he had gotten used to being alone in El Paso where it was easy to deny who he was.
The show was full of energy and great songs.  At one point of show, each of the guys got to sing a solo.
"This used to be my favorite part," Nick whispered to me.
Kevin ended up doing his solo last.  When he finished, he walked up to the microphone.
"Ladies and gentlemen," he began.  "I have a huge favor to ask of you."
The girls screamed.
"I know that for the past year, the Backstreet Boys just haven’t been complete.  Have you guys felt the same way?" he asked.
There were more cheers.
Nick tensed up next me.  "Oh shit," he said softly.
"Well, our lost little brother is back visiting with us today.  And if you guys clap and cheer really loud, maybe he’ll come out here and sing for you."
Nick gulped.  I just looked at him.
The other guys shot glances our way.
The girls screamed and yelled, then Kevin stopped them.
"Nick.  Nick.  Nick," he began clapping each time he said his name. "Nick. Nick.  Nick."
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!" echoed the girls.  "NICK! NICK! NICK!"
"Nick, you don’t have to," Brian began right away.
He looked at me, the question in his eyes.
"Honey, go.  If you want to do this, go," I said without hesitation.
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!  NICK! NICK! NICK!"
He shot out of the chair and hurried out to the stage.  The guys crowded around the monitor with me.
"NICK!  NICK! NICK!  NICK! NICK! NICK!"
There were all sorts of screams in the crowd when he stood before them.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Nick Carter," Kevin said.
They cheered, clapped and screamed for him.
"Do you remember the song?" Kevin asked him.
He smiled his best, million dollar smile.  "Kev, I remember all of the songs."
The crowd roared as Nick took the microphone.  Kevin patted him on the back.
"Good evening.  It’s nice to be back," was all he said.
The easy notes of "I Need You Tonight" began as Nick adjusted the microphone.  The roar eased up until it was so quiet, that I heard Nick draw a breath before he began to sing.
By that time, I thought I had seen every expression possible cross Nick’s face and go through his body.  Watching him sing that song, I realized that I had missed out on a very important one.  He was fulfilling his dream when he sang to the massive audience.  He sang at the top of his lungs with more passion than he ever had at any kareoke.  He was like a fish back in water.
"He looks good," AJ said breaking my thoughts.
"Yeah," I said.  "He looks great."
When he finished singing, the ovation was thunderous.  Nick smiled and bowed, his eyes glowing with energy and life.
"Guys!" Kevin called to them to break us all from out daze.
"Gotta run!" Brian said.
They all hurried back onstage.  I noticed that Nick didn’t return. He actually finished up the show with them, just like any other Backstreet Boy.
He was covering his mouth when he ran off the stage and into my arms at the end of the show.
"That was a blast," he told me.  "What did you think?"
"I think you’re wonderful."
"Good show, Nick," someone said walking by.
"Thanks."
"Nick, we have some fans back here.  You up to meeting them?" Brian asked.
He smiled at me, and I let him go.
"Sure," he said. "Wait for me here, okay?"
"I’ll be here."
I sat back down and watched more people running around, this time to clean up.  Cold and hot feelings rushed over me at the same time.  I was happy for him.  I was very happy for him.  He looked thrilled.  But it was the first time he had left me alone anywhere.  I told myself it was just something he needed to do.  It was something he needed to get out of his system.
Inside of myself I knew that everything was all wrong.
He slept in really late the next day because he was so tired.  We ended up at an after party dancing the night away.  I left him snoring in the room and wandered to the hotel lobby.
"Wanna go shopping?" I heard a voice behind me.
It was AJ wearing his signature tank top and baggy jeans.  He didn’t even look tired, and he had stayed at the party even after we left.
"Are you sure you want to go out there?  There’s probably lots of fans," I told him.
He smiled.  "You really don’t know anything about me, do you?  I have a rental car.  You wanna go?"
I left Nick a message to call AJ if he needed anything.  He drove us out to mall.  I don’t really think he knew his way around Austin, but that didn’t seem to bother him.  He asked someone at the front desk for directions, and we were off.
"So, you’re a teacher," he said as we hit the freeway.  "How can you stand all of the screaming?"
I laughed.  "My kids don’t scream.  They’re second graders.  And I love it.  It’s the best job in the world.  Well, for me.  For you, yours is probably the best."
He took his eyes off the road for a second and shot me a look.  "You think?"  He chuckled.  "I don’t deny that I love what I do.  It’s a blast.  I would never do what Nick did, but hey, that’s his thing."
I shrugged ready to explain ourselves again.  "He just needed some space."
AJ laughed. "He needed lots of space.  I saw him.  He was going crazy.  You know, I don’t blame him.  I’m a couple of years older than him, but when you hit puberty a couple of years is a long time."
"Puberty?"
"Oh.  Well, you know, we’re all older.  Before the fame, we all had a chance to live a little, you know?  Kevin was engaged.  Howie went to college. I," he chuckled again.  "I did whatever I wanted. I still do. But Nick was this little kid.  He didn’t have a chance to live like we did.  I think he really needed it.  He went from a kid, to a teenager, to an adult, and his life didn’t change.  That’s not normal.  Everyone needs change."
"So, you don’t hold it against him?" I asked.
He made face. "No.  Hell no.  I respect him for taking his chances.  And doing well by it on top of that."
I took a deep breath.  "I’m glad to hear you say that.  Kevin gave us a hard time when he visited."
AJ laughed kind of hard.  "Kevin?  Kevin isn’t happy unless he’s running the show.  He doesn’t mean any harm. Whatever he said, take it with a grain of salt.  He’s probably just protecting Nick. We all tended to do that."
"Protect him from me?"
Somehow, he had found the mall and pulled into the parking lot in front of Dillards.
"From anyone," he said.  "Nick wasn’t the brightest guy in the world.  He met lots of chicks that liked him because he was famous.  And because he didn’t have any experience to fall back on, he just got hurt.  I think Kev got tired of seeing that.  Maybe he assumed you were the same way."  He shrugged.  "Just blow him off.  We like to let him think he’s in charge."
We walked into the still empty mall.  It was relatively early, so we had the whole place to ourselves.
"He insinuated that I was in it for his money," I told him with a shrug.  "But I never told Nick that.  I want him to make all of his decisions about me or Kevin on his own."
AJ nodded.  "That makes sense. He’s not that dumb.  He’s finally grown.  I think he knows not to take Kev seriously."
I shook my head.  "But he does, AJ.  He worried so much about everything Kevin said and thought about him.  And Kevin used that influence over him to make him feel guilty.  Sometimes, I think he just wants him to go back to the group."
He stopped walking and faced me.  "Really?  That’s the impression you got?"
I nodded.  "And don’t get me wrong.  I want Nick to be happy.  If he goes back with you guys," I shrugged. "Well, I’ll be sad because I’ll miss him.  He’s been an amazing part of my life.  But I would never stand in the way of his happiness.  And I know performing makes him happy."
He took a deep breath.  "Wow.  I had you figured all wrong.  I thought you were the one keeping him away.  We all did."
I shook my head.  "No.  I don’t encourage him to come back because that’s his choice, but I wouldn’t stop him.  Ever."
He half smiled at me then threw his arm around me as we started walking back down the mall.  "You are one cool girl.  Little Frack got very lucky with you."
"I got lucky with him, AJ. He’s amazing.  He’s so funny and insightful.  He cares so much about me.  I feel so protected when he’s around  He’s my best friend."
"Umm, that’s love.  And you’re willing to give it up?"
"To make him happy, yeah.  He wouldn’t be the same if he was unhappy.  We couldn’t be together then.  But you know that’s not a choice he can make with me around.  It would be like expecting him to choose to stay in El Paso with you guys around," I told him.
"Right," he said.  "But he invited you to come.  He wants to share this time with you."
I looked around.  "What if this isn’t for me?  I’m happy in my classroom with my students.  I don’t know that I could be running out of town every few weeks just to see him for twenty minutes."
"Let me ask you then," he said seriously.  "If Nick decided to stay in the group, and I’m not saying anyone has even asked him to, but if he did on his own, would you still be his girlfriend?"
I knew the answer to that question but was afraid to say it aloud.  When you say things out loud they become more real.
He interpreted my silence for me.  "No?"
I shook my head. "I couldn’t.  I’m happy at home.  I’d rather be alone than chasing him all over the world.  Or missing him when he wasn’t around.  I hate airports, I don’t like flying either or going out every day.  Have you ever had a girlfriend that could put up with your schedule?"
He shook his head.  "I’ve had girls try, though.  Couldn’t you try?"
"I promised Nick that I would try to be with him.  And I haven’t just been with him, I’ve fallen in love with him.  But he knows that I don’t think love is selfish.  I would never ask him to give up his career for me.  By the same token, I don’t think he’d ask me to do something that wouldn’t make me happy."
"Man, let me go to El Paso to find someone like you," he said.
"Thanks," I told him.  "Thanks for hearing my side.  I don’t want you guys to think I stole him from you."
He just shook his head.  "It’s okay.  I guess we all have to remember that Nick’s the one making the decisions in the end."
He ended up buying way more stuff than me.  He was really cool to spend time with and to talk to.  I think he liked to come off as aloof, but he really was nice.   He wasn’t wacky or silly.  He just seemed to enjoy talking and shopping.  And when girls started recognizing him, he was thrilled.  He signed autographs and posed for pictures until security got called in.
"Are you his girlfriend?" someone asked me and we were escorted back to the car.
"No, we’re just friends."
"Good," the girls said and went back to tell her friends.
I laughed out loud.
But inside, I was collecting all of the sensations.
The show in Dallas was pretty much the same except Nick joined them onstage from the beginning.  This time I got to watch from the audience.  I don’t think I’ll forget that night as long as I live.  When Garret used to run the university paper, I enjoyed watching him bark orders and rush to get everything done before the deadline.  He was at his best when he was totally immersed in what he loved.  The same held true for Nick fifty million times over.  Watching Nick onstage was like was like watching Superman saving the world or a bee working in its hive.  It was so perfect and so right.  I don’t think he missed a step that night with the guys, though he had been away for so long.  I was very proud of him.  I knew the air of confidence that he carried and the big smile that covered his face all night were hard won.  I had been there for the battle.
The after party was held at a huge Dallas club.  The guys and their guests had the VIP room to themselves.  We were together most of the night, dancing, we drinking and hanging out with the other guys and their girlfriends.  Brian was still flying solo so Nick kept him close so he wouldn’t feel lonely, I guess.
It wasn’t long though, before we were happily dancing in a corner of the club, then happily just making out.  We made out for a really long time.  Because we both had our own places, it was strange to do it in front of so many people.  I think the fact that we’d been drinking had lowered our inhibitions again.
"I love you so much," he was saying between kisses.
"I love you too," I said pulling him closer to me.
He laughed and stopped talking.
We continued kissing until we heard someone clearing his throat behind Nick. We both turned.  It was Brian.
"Sorry to interrupt, Frack," he said with a laugh.  "But there are some radio contest winners in the main club that we’re supposed to meet."
I wiped Nick’s chin and he kissed my finger.
"Well, can’t I catch up with you?" he asked.  "I’ll be right there."
"Well, I’d say yes except we’ve already been down there awhile without you."
Nick nodded and looked down to me.  "Don’t go anywhere," he said.  "I’ll be right back."
I shook my head. "Don’t worry.  I’ll be right here."
I went to the bathroom to replace my lipstick.  I think I probably got another drink, then ended sitting at the bar chatting with the bartender.
I hadn’t even realized how much time had passed until AJ appeared at my side.
"Hey Elisa girl.  Want a drink?" he asked.
I shook my head.  "I’ve had enough.  Actually, I’m getting kind of tired.  Aren’t you?"
He shook his head and eyed the bar maid.  "Nah-uh.  The night’s young, and now that the whole fan thing is out of the way, I can concentrate on enjoying myself.  Hey, Nick sure did have a lot to drink didn’t he?"
I shrugged.  "He still doesn’t drink much, so whatever he ingests goes right to his head.  Why?"
"He and Bri were just being very silly right now.  Silly even for them."
"Did you say the fan thing was over?" I asked wondering why I still without my boyfriend.
"Yeah.  Awhile ago, actually. Kevin and his girlfriend already took off.  Howie’s back up here now.  I was just talking to my mom about tomorrow.  I think Nick’s down there keeping Brian company because he liked one of the girls."
I nodded.  "Oh."
"They’re not dancing or anything," he said.  "Too much."
I just looked at him.
"Don’t worry about it.  Nick’s totally in love and obsessed with you.  He’s just helping Brian out.  Besides, we’re obligated to keep our fans happy," he said with a smile and took a sip from his drink.
"I’m not jealous," I said quickly.  "I think I’m just so used to spending all of my free time with him.  And these last few days, I’ve seen him less than when I’m teaching."
"Perils of life on the road," AJ said. "It’s hard keeping a relationship out here."
I nodded and then just shook my head.  "I miss him, you know?  It sounds funny because here we are traveling together, but it doesn’t feel like he’s mine anymore.  He’s not just my best friend here.  He’s something huge that people expect a lot from."
AJ raised his eyebrows.  "You’ve only been here three days, and you already got all of that.  Man, you’re one smart girl.  It takes most girlfriends a few weeks and about half a dozen hissy fits."
"I don’t have hissy fits," I told AJ seriously.  "Usually, I just walk away."
His eyes widened.  "What?"
"Nothing.  I’m just tired.  Don’t listen to me."
"Look, I know how you’re feeling, but don’t do anything crazy just yet.  Nick’s barely feeling back into the swing of things.  Give him some time."
I was feeling brave.  "Will you be honest with me if I ask you a question?"
"I’m always honest."
"Is it always like this?  Is this what you’re life is like?  You rehearse, you perform, you party, you meet fans?  Is this what you do all the time?"
AJ rubbed his chin.  "Honestly?  Yeah.  This is what we do, Elisa."
I nodded.  "Thanks."
He watched me for a little while.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
I nodded.  "Sure.  I’m fine."
 
 

The next day, on the drive to Tulsa I ended up sitting on the bus talking to AJ again because Nick was so tired all he could do was sleep.  When he wasn’t asleep, he spent all of his time with Brian.  I was no way going to even try to take that away from him.  I was glad to have made a friend among them in AJ, though.  Kevin still intimidated and angered me.  Brian was sweet, but he was so close to Nick I felt a need to give them their space.  Howie was quiet, but polite.  At least AJ would talk to me and find time to hang out with me.
Most of the time, they were busy, and I was bored. I had no business cruising the countryside with these guys.  I saw less and less of Nick everyday.  We shared a hotel room and a bed but never had much time to ourselves.
The second city in Oklahoma had me fried.
He was running around getting ready for the sound check.
"Aren’t you coming?" he asked when he saw me sitting on the bed watching TV instead of getting ready.
"No, you go ahead. I’ll sit this one out."
"What?  Why?  Come on!"
I shook my head. "I’m tired of traveling.  I want to get a good night’s sleep."
"But Elisa, I want you there.  Don’t you want to watch me sing?"
"I already saw you sing in Tulsa, in Dallas, and in Austin.  Is the show going to be different?"
He stopped and looked at me.  He sat in front of me on the bed.
"Okay.  What’s going on?"
"Nothing, honey," I said trying to sound light.  "I just want to stay here tonight."
He peeled those eyes at me.  He wasn’t buying it.
"Please tell me.  I’m going to get worried if you don’t and assume some really bad things," he said.
"Like what?"
"That you’re not happy here. That something happened.  You’ve been hanging out with AJ a lot.  Has he--?"
I cut him off.  "AJ is really nice.  At least he talks to me.  I don’t feel lonely when he’s around," I said regretting the words the second I uttered them.
Nick’s face changed.  "You feel lonely?  Do you think I’m ignoring you?  What’s going on?"
I shook my head.  "No.  Nothing, Nick.  I’m just tired.  Don’t listen to me.  Go to the show.  You’re having such a good time.  You look so happy all the time now."
He widened his eyes.  "Well, I am happy.  I’m having a great time.  Listen, it’s only a couple of days until we hit Florida.  We can spend more time together there."
I nodded.  "I know, honey.  Don’t worry."
"I wish you were going with me tonight."
"I’m sorry.  I’m just tired, really," I said feeling the lie choke me.
"Okay.  I won’t stay for the after party today.  I’ll come straight here."
I shook my head.  "No.  Go enjoy yourself.  You need to do this.  It’s good for you.  I’ll be fine."
He brushed his lips with mine, but I didn’t kiss him back.  He sat back on the bed and watched me for a second.  I looked away.  All I wanted was for him to leave.  I needed him to get away from me so I could do what I knew I should have done in Dallas.
After he closed the door behind him, I called the airport to get a plane ticket back to El Paso.  It didn’t take me long to pack and decide to forget anything that I might have left on the bus.
I found some hotel stationery and sat down to write him a letter.  I wasn’t even sure where to begin.  Strangely enough for me, I decided to be honest.
Dear Nick,
Please don’t hate me.  I’m not leaving you as much as going back to where I need to be and giving you the chance to do what you need to do.  I see you onstage, with the guys, on the bus, and I see that this life calls you back.  When you’re singing, you answer that call and all you say is yes.  Give this place and the guys a chance the same way you gave me and El Paso a chance.  I’m not angry with you or even breaking up with you.  (But I’ll understand if you never want to see me again.)  I just want you make sure you have chosen what you really want and not what you think you or I need.  It’s a year later.  You’re a year older.  Keep you head high and who you are will carry you through.  If all else fails, use your looks.
I love you very much and thank you for everything that you have put into my life.  If you ever need me, or decide to come back, you know where to find me.  You will always be my best friend.
Love,
Elisa
I called a cab and hurried out of the hotel without looking back.
I knew I would be alone for Christmas and New Year’s because Laura was in Austin still and I didn’t want to ruin her holidays.  Nick never called.  He didn’t write.  For the first time, since Daniel, I found myself empty inside.  I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat.  I just watched TV, and cried.  I wasn’t crying for Nick because I knew it was my choice to leave him.  But I cried for myself because no matter what happened I ended up alone.
And as luck would have it, I watched a lot of MTV.  One day after talking about Marilyn Manson a picture of Nick appeared next to Kurt Loder’s face.
"And on a lighter note," he said that familiar inch of sarcasm in is voice.  "Missing Backstreet Boy Nick Carter has decided to permanently rejoin his band mates.  Carter joined the boys for a few dates in Texas and has decided to stay on to complete the Christmas leg of the tour through Florida.  Here’s what Nick had to say about his return."
"It’s great to be back," he was saying smiling at the camera.  Brian and Kevin were sitting on either side of him.  "I missed singing, and I missed the guys.  It feels like I’m home."
"Aww," gushed Brian.
Nick just smiled.
"Is it a permanent return?" the off camera reporter asked.
He nodded, though tentatively, "It feels permanent right now."
I burst into tears, but it served me right.  I left him a note, and he let me know on MTV.
When I got back to school, it was my students who got me through the hardest days.  There was so much we needed to do that I didn’t have time to dwell on my sadness.  Well, I dwelled a lot on the weekends but Laura tried to keep my spirits up.  She hadn’t said much which was unusual for her.  I fully expected her to insult Nick and call me stupid.
I took care of his house going by at least once a week.  I made sure everything was locked and that the plants were watered.  It was so empty without him.  Sometimes, I’d just sit on the kitchen floor and cry much as he had.  I missed him so much.  But I had to remind myself that what I wanted was his happiness.  It was the only thing that really mattered.
It was a cold Friday afternoon in early February when I was checking the house that the Durango drove up.  We had left it in the airport when we went to Austin nearly two months prior.  I felt like deer in the headlights as I listened to the truck’s doors open, then close and the voices of men.
I sucked in air and started toward the front door.  Nick was letting Kevin and AJ in.  I stood still fully expecting a disaster.
"Neat house," AJ said, then saw me.  He jaw dropped.  "Uh, hi Elisa."
Kevin and Nick’s heads snapped to face me.  I braced myself.  Nick looked horrified.  He opened his mouth as if to say something then seemed to change his mind.  He covered his face and walked backwards to the door then stepped out of the house.
Kevin watched me.  He sucked in air and started toward me.  I could practically  see the acidic words forming in his mouth.
I crossed my arms in preparation for the verbal vomit.
"Don’t you say anything to her," Nick said hurrying back in.  "You have nothing to say to her, Kevin."
I sucked on my lip and looked from one to the other not knowing what to do.  AJ looked worried.
"I was just making sure the plants didn’t die," I said more softly than I meant to.  "I’ll go now."
"Good idea," Kevin said.
"Shut the fuck up," Nick told him. "Don’t say anything to her."
I walked around the coffee table without looking up, yet trying to focus on the door.
I felt AJ touch my arm as I passed him, but I couldn’t even look at him.  I still had to walk past Nick.  He stood in the doorway.
"Excuse me," I told him not looking up.
He didn’t budge.  I tried to squeeze through, but he pushed his weight against the frame and almost squashed me.
"Jesus Nick, let her go," I heard AJ say stepping toward us.
Somewhere, Kevin half laughed.  "I’ll be outside shooting baskets. Let me know when the melodrama is over," he said heading for the back door.
I looked over at AJ, and he tried to smile but just ended up looking at Nick.
"I’ll be outside with Kev," AJ said in the softest tone I’d ever heard from him.
I stepped back and was about to start for the kitchen too thinking that I could get out that way, when Nick grabbed my arm and not gently.
I wrenched it away from him.
"Don’t yank me," I told him seriously.
He looked down at me, and I finally met his gaze.  His eyes were cold toward me for the first time.
I just shook my head.
"Why don’t you just let me go, Nick?  I shouldn’t have been here.  Just let me get out of your way."
"Again?" he asked.  "Didn’t you already do that once?"
I moved away from him.
"Okay, so let me have it, so I can get out here," I said finally.  "Tell me what you’re holding so tightly inside of yourself that you look like you hate me."
He shook his head and closed the door.  "I don’t hate you, Elisa.  I could never hate you.  As a matter of fact, I thank you.  I thank you for letting me see what I should be doing with my life.  For making it very clear that I belong on the road with the guys.  It’s the happiest place on Earth."
"Don’t be sarcastic.  It’s doesn’t fit you," I said.
"What do you want me to be?  Happy?  Shit," he said under his breath.
"Look, I didn’t know what else to do.  You were so happy.  You looked like you had found your calling once again--."
"Found my calling?" he said interrupting me.  "I didn’t know that I had lost it."
"If you’re not going to listen to me, let me go.  Please.  Please.  Please let me go," I heard myself beg.  "Just let me go, Nick."
He leaned against the door and let his tall frame slide down until he was sitting down on the floor.  He ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath.  He rubbed his eyes then his cheeks like he was trying to wake himself up.
"You abandoned me," he said.  "You just ran out on me in the night like I was some one night stand.  How do you think I felt when I got back and you were gone?  When I had to explain myself again to the guys?  When I got to my mom’s house alone, and she was expecting to meet you?  How do you think I felt to know that after all this time, it was you who walked away from me?"
I sat on the arm of the couch.  "I just beat you to it, Nick.  Is that why you resent me?  We both know this wasn’t going to work.  You were happy being back with the guys.  You were ready to return to--."
"How do you know that?" he asked his voice rising.  "How do you know I was ready to go back?"
"It was written all over your face.  I had never seen you so happy.  It was almost like you were a choking goldfish that someone dumped back in the tank at the very last second.  Do you think I would take that away from you?  Never, Nick.  And as long as I was there, you were going to have an excuse not to take a chance and do what you love.  It was in this very house that you told me I was afraid of the unknown.  Well, you know what?  So are you.  You’re afraid of being miserable.  Well, every once in awhile everyone is miserable.  It’s part of life.  But you can deal with it now.  It doesn’t have to be the same thing."
"We could have talked about it.  You didn’t have to sneak out on me, Elisa.  I still can’t believe you did that."
Though I didn’t think I could cry over him anymore, my tears formed quickly.
"I had to," I said right away.  "Don’t you see that if I didn’t do that, you never would have made choice."
"You didn’t leave me much of choice."
I shook my head.  "You’re already twenty years old.  The choices are always yours.  You could have come back.  You could have just gone somewhere else.  You rejoined the group because you wanted to, because it makes you happy.  Why don’t you just admit it?"
He closed his eyes and shook his head.
I pulled myself away from the couch and started toward him.  I hated seeing him upset.  No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I needed to be away from him, I couldn’t bare to see him upset.
I put my hands on his knees and squatted down to his level.  He flinched at my touch then looked up at me.  His eyes softened when he saw the tears in mine.
"I miss you all the time.  I miss your friendship especially and the fact that we could talk about anything," I told him honestly.  "I want to tell you all about the kids and how they’re doing.  I wish you could see them reading and writing as well as they are.  I went to see your viejitos too.  They all miss you.  One time, Mary and I sat and cried for you all afternoon."  I shook my head and wiped my eyes.  "I think she was crying to see me upset.  But she still misses you, too."
"I miss you too," he said.  "I hug my pillow at night and wake up every morning hoping it’s you.  I want to talk to you about so many things.  I get alone great with everyone, even Kevin.  Everything is different now.  I feel like a different person."
"Good honey," I said. "I knew you’d be able to handle it now.  But I can’t handle it.  I can’t handle missing you.  I can’t stand thinking that you’re not here.  It hurts too much.  It’s just better that we leave each other.  You need to do what makes you happy.  I need to be alone for awhile."
"But you make me happy," he said softly.  "I was happiest when I was with you."
I shook my head.  "You were happiest when you were onstage.  I saw you.  Tell me honestly, that’s not what you want."
He didn’t answer.
I wiped away my tears.  "See.  Why did you come back here?  To pack?"
He nodded wordlessly.
"Then you’ve made your choice, Nick.  I think you made it that first night in Austin whether you want to admit it or not."
I stood up and looked down at him.
"I think you’d better just let me go now," I said, so calmly that it surprised me.  "It’s just going to get harder for both of us if you don’t."
He sat very still for what seemed like a long time and didn’t look up.  Finally, he just scooted away from the door.  I stepped over him and walked out.  On my to my car, I could hear Kevin and AJ shooting hoops and laughing.
I probably cried that entire night and the following day.  My whole body hurt from all the meals I had skipped and the tears I had cried.  I knew just to let it go.  Whenever I suppressed my emotions, I just ended up hurting myself.
Laura left me alone which was for the better.  I don’t even think that I could have faced her.  She’d stop by my room to ask if I was okay then just walk away shaking her head.  She knew there was nothing she could do.
"Someone named AJ just called you," she said early Sunday morning.
"What did he want?" I asked not raising my head.
"He said to tell you that they were leaving on the 7PM flight to Houston on American Airlines today if you wanted to say good-bye."
"Today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Do you want me to go with you?"
"No," I told her.  "I’ll probably go alone."
"Okay," she said.  "Let me know if you change your mind."
I didn’t change my mind.  By five thirty I had showered and fixed myself up to go to the airport.  All of my clothes were bigger on me already.  It was better to get it all over with before I made myself sick.
"He was really bad when he saw that you had gone," AJ was saying while Kevin stood in line with Nick to check in.  "I had never seen him that upset. Every night after that, he’s cried during his solo. I knew why you had done it, and I tried to explain it to him, but he wouldn’t listen."
I nodded.  "Thanks for talking to him.  I should have done it myself.  I was just too afraid to do it."
"It’s okay," he said.  "Look, everyone gets heartbroken," he said patting his chest.  "It’s good for the soul.  Besides, you know you couldn’t have lived with it. Both of you would have been miserable.  And it gave us all a chance to be there for him.  So, I think he feels more comfortable around us now."
I nodded.  "Well, I’m glad something good came of it," I turned to him.  "AJ, take care of him.  I know he has Brian, but I feel I trust you more.  Just, just make sure that he’s okay.  Don’t let him get lonely or gloomy.  That’s really bad for him. And don’t let Kevin get to him, please."
He was nodding.  "Sure.  I’d be happy to keep an eye on him for you.  Do you want me to call you or something?"
I shook my head.  "No thanks.  It would hurt too much to hear about him.  But hold on to my number in case he ever needs it.  Okay?"
"Yeah.  No, don’t worry.  I will."
Nick and Kevin were coming back.
"We can get on the plane now, Bone," Kevin said.
"Okay," AJ said. "Let’s go.  Elisa, it was great seeing you again.  Take care of yourself, girl.  You’re looking kind of skinny there."
We stood up, and he hugged me.
"Bye AJ.  Thanks," I told him.
They started for the gate, but Nick hung back.
"I’ll be right there," he told them not looking up at any of us.
"Okay Frack.  Take your time," Kevin told him and walked away without even glancing at me.
I turned to Nick.  His face was red and his eyes swollen from crying.  I touched his arm and sucked in air.
"It’s for the best," I told him.  "It’ll be okay."
He sniffled.  "I know.  I wrote you letter because there are so many things I want to say, but I didn’t think I’d remember all of them.  I want to read it to you, but I don’t know if I’ll make it all the way through."
I nodded. "It’s okay.  Let’s sit down."
As he sat down, he unfolded a crumpled piece of paper and cleared his throat.
"Dear Elisa," he began.  "I wanted to write all of this down to make sure that I got it right.  First of all, I want to say thank you for everything that you’ve done for me since we met.  I don’t think either one of us knew what we were in for when you took me home from the OP that night.  Thanks for feeding me, listening to me, for giving me a chance and for trying to have something with me.  I know it was hard for you to trust a guy again, but I’m glad you chose me.  I hope I didn’t let you down too much.  I didn’t think falling in love was going to be this way.  I thought it would be easy and fun all of the time.  I thought it was a perfect state where nothing ever went wrong.  But I see now, thanks to you, that love means sacrifice, compromise and knowing how to be unselfish," he stopped to get his bearings.  I touched his face and he leaned into my palm for a second.  He cleared his throat and went back to the letter. "It’s the biggest lesson that you taught me.  So, if you can let me go to be happy, then I have to let you go and be happy," he stopped and just covered his face with his hands.
I pulled him into my arms and held him as tight as I could.  He crumpled up the letter and put it into my hand.
"I can’t do this," he said trying to compose himself.  "Just read it later."
"Okay."
He stood up and grabbed his carry on stuff.  The guys were still at the gate watching us.  They turned around when they saw Nick stand.
He pulled me into his arms and hugged me very tightly.
"I love you," he said.  "I will probably always love you.  You are my best friend."
"I love you too," I said dreading to let go.  "You are my best friend."
I felt him suck in air, kiss my hair and then let go.
I took one step away from him, and he looked at me one last time.
"I’ll never forget you, Elisa," he said echoing the words he uttered in Las Cruces.  "Thank you."
I brushed my tears away. "Thank you, honey.  Good-bye."
He half smiled.  "Good-bye."
I watched him join the guys at the gate.  AJ waved to me and I waved back.  Kevin threw his arm around Nick’s shoulders and they disappeared down the tunnel.
I sat back down because for the first time, I was going to watch a plane take off. I unfolded my wrinkled letter and continued to read.
"I didn’t understand why you left me that night.  But now, after thinking about everything we’ve both been through, I know you did it because you love me.  And I’m going to accept that gift from you.  Please accept these words from me:  You are a beautiful and wonderful woman worthy only of the a man of great courage, great heart and a great mind.  I wish I was that man.  But since I’m not, I have to tell you, do not ever settle for anything else.  When I was packing my things, this song called "You’re Gone" came on the radio.  The man in the song said that this great woman was leaving him, but that he thanked God for the time they spent together.  I also thank God for you.  You helped to save me just like the woman in the song saved the man.  So, just to end this letter where it began, I have say thank you.  I love you.  I will always love you.  You are my best friend.  If you ever need me, call the number on the back of this letter.  I’ll come running, no matter what.  By the way, I took my panic whistle with me.  Listen for it because I might just need you.
Love, Nick
I had to laugh as I put my letter away.  The rest of the passengers had finished boarding, so I moved to the window and leaned against the cool glass.  I watched the plane as it backed away and headed down the runway.  It rushed down the road full speed ahead, lifted up into the air effortlessly then disappeared.
"Good-bye, honey," I said softly before I turned and walked away.