"Don’t go," he said reaching for me as I started off the bed.
"I’d better," I said. "Things have gone too far already."
"Too far where? What do you mean?"
I didn’t even want to look at him. Looking at him never let me think straight.
"I can’t be doing this with you, Nick. Not with you. We made a decision not to be together, and things have not changed. They are still the same. You’re still you. I’m still me. And we--."
He pulled on me a bit harder, with more desperation, more conviction. "We still belong together," he said. "Didn’t all this time that we spent together tonight prove that to you? Didn’t this prove that to you?" He looked around the messy bed. "I know why you said you can’t be doing this with me. It’s because you still care. If you didn’t care or if I was someone else, then you wouldn’t have stopped."
I wrested my wrist out of his hold, uncomfortable that he knew me so well. "Honey, just let me go, please. Please? It was hard enough to let go first time when we met, then the second time that Christmas was hell. I thought I was going to die. I spent days on my couch crying for you. I can’t do this again. I can’t go back to what cannot be."
He was silent, and I saw his lower lip disappear under his teeth. But he watched me. His bright blue eyes had gained another dimension to them in a year: adulthood.
"Bye," I said and scooped up my shoes and headed for the door in one motion.
"Elisa, don’t--," I heard him call after me, but I was faster.
I brushed my hand through my hair and adjusted my skirt and blouse as I headed to the elevator through the almost deserted hallway. The tall bodyguard eyed me as I pushed the down button and then slipped on my thick-heeled shoes.
This was nuts. I couldn’t even believe I was here.
"You gonna be okay getting home alone?" The bodyguard’s voice startled me. "You want me to call a cab before you get downstairs? There might be fans down there and if they saw you with Nick..."
I smiled finishing the sentence in my mind. They’d figure out who I was. They’d figure out what I was doing with him. They might what? Throw rotten eggs at me?
"It’s okay," I said. "No one saw us. It’s no big deal."
He smiled awkwardly, like he didn’t know what to say. "You’re that girl, right? That Texas girl? The one that--."
He was cut off by Nick who was coming down the hallway at us. "Elisa, hang on. Where do you think you’re going? What do you think you’re doing?"
The elevator opened in front of me, and I stepped in. "Back to my hotel. I’m going to call Daniel and pretend this never happened, that I never saw you again," I said honestly. I never had to lie to him before.
"How far are you going to get without this?" he asked holding my bag out to me just as the doors started to close. I think the guard pressed the button, so they opened up again. Nick laughed. "You forgot your purse.  Unless you’re letting me keep it?" he asked with a smile. "I don’t have anything that matches with it."
I laughed as well, losing all the seriousness that I was trying to muster and stepped back out. "Sorry. I was in such a hurry that I didn’t even notice."
Nick looked up at the guard then down at me. "I’ve never had anyone hurry out of my room before, Mike. They’re usually hurrying inside."
He laughed. "Watch your mouth Nicky, if you want her to come back."
I chuckled taking my small purse out of his hands. "It’s your business, whatever you do. Just remember to be careful, okay?"
"Elisa," he protested. "I don’t do that. I don’t mess around. Are you crazy? Can you imagine me bringing girls back to the hotels? In every city? All the gossip that would follow me around?"
"All the babies?" the guard added.
They laughed, and I had to laugh as well. Nick hadn’t changed that much. He wasn’t that grown up. His dusty blond eyelashes seemed longer than I remembered. Or maybe I could just see them better in the brightly-lit hallway.
"You really gonna pretend this never happened?" he asked suddenly in a serious tone. "Can you do that?"
The guard turned on his heel and started walking slowly down the hall and away from our conversation.
I looked at the fancy pattern on the floor and thought about how the one in our hotel was just blue.
"Hey?" Nick asked. "Are you?"
"I can’t do that," I said looking at him finally. "You know that I can’t. I mean, I’m not that kind of girl, and I can’t ignore my feelings for you. They’re still there."
He took a step closer to me, and I realized he was barefoot.
"Your shoes," I said remembering the last time that thought had struck me. When he had broken a glass in his kitchen and cut his hand because Kevin had made him upset. Upset because he didn’t belong in my world, and I didn’t belong in his.
"I’m fine," he said with a shrug.
He was looking at me. He hadn’t stopped looking at me the entire night. My hair, my eyes, my mouth, and he always went back to my hair.
"Nick," I began not knowing how that sentence was going to end.
"Don’t," he said ducking in front of my face. "Don’t go. Don’t go back. You still have the rest of the week. I have a break starting the day after tomorrow, and we could hang out. We could do stuff, whatever you wanted. I mean, why not?"
"Because I’m in a relationship? Because I’m supposed to be at a conference? Because we already left each other once before, right?"
He shook his head. "That was the past. This is now. I know that I spent a lot of time thinking about you. Thinking about what would happen when I found myself standing right here."
He gently swept my hair off my shoulder. The touch sent goose bumps right through me.
"So did I," I admitted. "But I didn’t think that I’d cheating on someone when this happened. That I’d be unfaithful. That I’d be lying."
Nick looked at me. I knew that he was looking for the right words, the ones that would make me stay. The ones that would make me forget about Daniel and my guilt.
I gazed back at those too blue eyes, that incredible mouth that never let me think straight and only knew one thing. By then, I knew that nothing could make me go.
I glanced back at the elevator. The doors had closed, and it was long gone.
"There won’t be another one until tomorrow," he grinned putting his hand out to me. "C’mon. We can just sit up and talk or get some room service. Okay? That’s all. I promise. I swear."
What made him think that I wanted that promise?
It was because he knew me. He knew that I took my faults seriously, and sleeping with him the first day would be a big one.
I took his hand, and we headed back to his huge, fancy room.
Too many things had happened in the last twenty-four hours for me to understand what I was doing. I was supposed to be in Baltimore, Maryland for an education conference not sitting with Nick in his room. It was the first weekend of spring break, and I had planned on spending the rest of the week with Daniel. Daniel. One glance at my watch showed it was nearly one a.m. I had promised him I’d call by midnight my time. It would have been ten in El Paso. He was going to wonder where I was. What I was doing.
"Wanna watch TV?" Nick asked sitting down next to me.
This time, I stayed on the couch and far away from the bed.
"Not really."
"Wanna sleep? You can have the bed," he offered brightly.
I shook my head.
"Want something to eat? We can--."
"Nick, what am I doing here?" I asked. "You should have just let me go."
He shrugged. "The elevator’s gone, and now you can’t--."
"Nick."
He laughed. "Okay. Okay, what are you doing here? You’re keeping me company. You’re catching up with me."
"Didn’t we already catch up today? I told you all about Daniel. You told me all about your party days."
He chuckled. "Party days. You say it like I spend every night in the club. I’ve just been doing the single guy thing. I didn’t go from one relationship into another one." He elbowed me. "Like you."
I looked at him.
"What?" he asked. "You did, right?"
"I’ve been with Daniel for three months, Nick. You left for good in February, and that’s over a year ago."
"But you’ve known that guy for years. That’s the guy that you told me about. I remember. You guys used to party together, and then things got sexual, but he ended up with someone else."
I looked at him. "Got sexual?"
He smiled and squeezed in closer to me. Suddenly, he was that silly eighteen year old I met drunk in a gay bar. "Okay, well whatever you prefer to call it. But that’s what happened, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
He sat back up. "You’re with him, and it’s serious, huh? You wouldn’t have taken him back otherwise. Didn’t you hate him?"
"Hate’s a strong word," I said pulling his big hand into mine. "I don’t hate anyone."
"But you did, Elisa. I remember. He’s the guy that made you all bitter. The one that made me work harder than--."
"Hey," I stopped him. "Your security guard is right. You do need to watch your mouth."
"Sorry," he said squeezing my hand. "I was just telling it like it is. You made things very hard for me. You made me work."
"I didn’t make you--."
"Yeah you did. For everything. For a chance, for a date, for your trust. Now that I’m just dating, I see how easy it is. How quickly people get involved in no time. No questions asked. Instant trust provided."
"Is that what you want? Instant trust? Like instant oatmeal?"
He smiled. "No. I liked working. It was all worthwhile in the end. Right?" He looked up at me.
For all his work, he had broken down my walls. He had convinced me to try to have a relationship when I had already given up on them.
"Every second was worthwhile," I said returning his gaze. "Every single one."
He smiled and leaned his head on my shoulder. "Glad you’re back." He closed his eyes.
I was crazy. I had to be the craziest girl in the whole world.
I stared at the images on the television as I remembered how I ended up here. Back with Nick.
"I’ll call you when I get back from wherever Josie’s dragging me off to. It’s a two hour difference from home," I had promised Daniel earlier that night when we were settled in our hotel room in Baltimore. "We’ll probably come back around midnight, and that’ll barely be ten your time."
"Okay," he said. "I’ll be up. But call, okay."
"I will," I said looking out the window at the darkening harbor. It was very chilly out there, and I was already wishing I hadn’t told Josie I’d go out with her.
"If you don’t, your Backstreet Boys stuff bites it," he said with a laugh. "I’ll chuck it out the window. All of it.  Then I‘ll go run over it with my truck."
I rolled my eyes. He acted like I collected memorabilia like a love-struck teenager. I just liked to keep up with Nick.
"Yeah," I told him tired of his empty threats. "Sure."
"I’m serious--."
"Let’s go! Let’s go!" Josie shouted coming into the room. She had been checking out the fancy hotel down the street from us. "Something’s going on over there. The bar is packed, and there’s security all over the place."
"I’d better go," I told Daniel. "Talk to you soon."
"Bye," he said.
I looked up at Josie as I replaced my earring. "Maybe there was a shooting down there."
"No!" she said excitedly. "C’mon! Maybe someone famous is down there. C’mon!"
That’s all she ever said to me. C’mon. C’mon. Like I was going to stay behind.
I changed quickly into a skirt and a blouse and followed her to the fancy hotel bar. She was right. It was packed, and though they were letting people in, a whole section of the bar was being used by a small group of people, leaving the rest of us to jockey for bar stools and tables.
Josie and I found two stools at the bar and ordered drinks.
"Hi," she said making eyes at the blond bartender. "How are you?"
Of course, he smiled. "Fine. Yourself?"
"Great," she said. "We’re here for a conference. We’re from Texas."
Great, I thought facing away from them and into the crowd. She was going to tell everyone in the whole world about us. What we were doing there. That we were single. Well, that she was single.
I craned my neck to see if I could figure out what was happening at the other side of the bar.
"Want me to check it out?" Josie asked leaning closer to me. "Brad says it’s some rock band."
"Who’s Brad?"
"The bartender," she informed. "I’m gonna go look. Maybe they’ll invite us over to their table."
"Josie!" I called after, but she had swaggered away and did not fail at her mission. Before I knew it, she was taking me back to the table. Back to Nick’s table. Back to all their table.
"Hey," she greeted with a smile.
"You’re back," AJ grinned. "And you brought..." He dropped off, probably because he recognized me. I tried to smile. Tried to seem natural though I was so shocked that my hands had instantly gone cold. I found myself trying to keep my breathing normal and smile at the same time.
"What?" Josie asked confused. "You two know each other?"
One by one, the other guys had caught on to the intrusion at their table. Kevin looked up from his conversation with a blonde woman and Brian. Howie had been busy talking to Nick, but he looked up at us too. Nick was shuffling through some papers, but finally looked up as well.
My mouth was dry. Immediately.
"Elisa?" he asked surprised, eyes wide. "What are you...? I mean, when did you...? I mean..."
"Hey Nick," I said as easily as I could. AJ was already laughing, cracking up even before Nick was able to stand.
"You two know each other?" Josie repeated now referring to Nick who was finally making his way around the table.
"Hey," he said. "Hey hi."
"Hi," I said.
All I could hear was AJ’s laughter and Josie’s questions.
"They know each other?" she said plopping down next to AJ. "Really?"
"It’s so nice to see you," he said finally and pulled me into his arms. "Oh my God."
I laughed from his chest. "That’s exactly what I was thinking. Oh my God."
I heard a few more laughs and bits of conversation from the table. They finally seemed to pull their attentions away from us.
"What are you doing here?" he had asked. "I mean, in town? I saw that girl come up to our table and talk to Jay. He just talks to everyone, but I never thought that you...that she would bring you."
"I never thought this was your table," I said finally letting go of him. "She’s just looking for someone famous. She’s just being Josie. We’re here for a conference. And you? Are you performing?"
"In DC tomorrow. But we’re staying here in Baltimore so that no one knows. The fans think we’re rolling into to town tomorrow, but we’ve been here since last night. We have two shows in DC." He smiled. "Maybe you can go."
I nodded. "Yeah, I’d like that."
"You guys okay?"
We both turned to the table at Brian’s question.
He smiled. "You guys over the shock? You’re just going to stand there the rest of the night?"
Nick laughed and took my hand. "No. No c’mon, let’s sit down. You can stay, right?" he asked looking behind me.
"Yeah," I said. "Of course."
"You remember the guys, right?"
"Hey Elisa girl!" AJ greeted and got out of his chair. He pushed it next to Nick’s then took another one from an empty table and sat down. "How are you?"
I touched his shoulder on my way to sit down. "Great. I’m doing fine. Thanks. Yeah, I remember everyone. How are you guys?"
"Doing good," Howie said with a smile. "Not as good as Nicky looks like he’s doing now. But good."
Nick laughed.
"Yeah, we’re doing great. Let me introduce you to Kristin. She’s Kevin wife," Brian had said. "I think Kev’s as stunned as Nick to see you."
The blonde laughed and sat forward to shake my hand. "I’m Kristin. Nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you. Congratulations on the wedding," was all I could say because I wasn’t sure how Kevin was going to react to me. We had never had the best relationship.
"I’m not stunned. I’m fine. How are you?" Kevin asked with a smile. "It’s nice to see you again."
"Nice to see you, too." I glanced over at Josie and AJ who were watching us with the biggest smiles. "How’d you end up over here, Jo?" I asked.
She grinned and scooted closer to AJ. "I laid on eyes on him. Who could resist?"
AJ threw an arm around her as Nick shook his head. He turned to me, and I realized that I hadn’t let go of his hand.
"How are you?" he asked more quietly now. "How are you, really?"
"I’m great. Working, you know? I got tickets to your show in Austin, but that’s not until May, right?"
He nodded. "You got tickets?"
"My sister lives there, remember? So that’s where I decided to go."
"I was thinking about sending you some, but I didn’t know what you’d think," he said.
"Why?"
"We never kept in touch, Elisa. I mean, I haven’t seen you since, since... since... Well, since I left. I didn’t know if you’d want to go or what."
"I’m going," I said. "I’ve bought your CD’s since then. Now I’m a big fan."
"Now?" he laughed. "That’s funny. You’re still teaching?"
I nodded. "I’m on spring break. It’s our first weekend, and the principal asked us to come to the conference. I leave on Monday and have the rest of the week to myself."
He nodded. "We have a break after the DC shows too. We’re taking a couple of weeks just to rest because we know better than to rush through tours. Everyone’s healthier if we take our time. I think I’ll just go home."
"To Tampa?"
He nodded. "To Tampa. I could use some sleep and some time at home."
"... calling it a night now, guys." Brian, Kevin and Kristin were getting up. "It sure was nice seeing you again. Are you going to be around?" Brian asked me.
I nodded. "Until Monday. We’re here at a conference."
"Cool. Nicky already invite you to the show?"
"Yes, but if he didn’t I would have invited myself."
"Good answer," Brian laughed. "Good night. I have to call my wife now."
"Nice meeting you again," Kristin said shaking my hand once more. "Nicky, wipe that grin off your face."
"Kris--," he began, but she smacked his shoulder.
"Great meeting you too."
"Good night," Kevin called over his shoulder.
"Night," Nick called.
"Bye," I said and laughed. "He still hates me?"
"He never hated you," Nick protested. "He just..."
"Really disliked me, right? I know he hated me. You don’t have to pretend."
"I’m not," Nick whined then laughed. "Okay, he hated you."
"Guys, I’m off," Howie said pushing himself off his chair. "It’s early, and I want to check out a club, maybe do some dancing. Wanna come?"
"Definitely," AJ said and turned to Josie. "Come?"
"Definitely," she smiled. "Ellie?"
I looked at Nick, and he just shrugged at me. "We can go if you want. Or we can just stay here."
I knew that if we went to a club the music would be loud, and we wouldn’t even be able to talk.
"I think we should stay," he said suddenly. "That way we can talk."
"Good idea," I said. "I’d rather do that."
AJ laughed. "Oh-kay. Suit yourselves."
"Later," Howie said.
"Don’t wait up," Josie said.
I rolled my eyes at her as she walked away and Nick laughed.
"She’s a wild one, huh? Not the kind of girls I remember you hanging around with," he said widening his already big eyes. "Where’d you get her?"
"She’s a nice girl. We work together, and this is her first year. But she’s so young. All she thinks about is partying and meeting guys. I mean, she had the guts to come up her and talk to you because she heard you might be famous. She’s a freak. But she doesn’t have a lot of friends. She had been with this one guy for years, but they broke up," I said. "I think sometimes, I just feel sorry for her because she doesn’t have anyone else."
"Aw, you’re nice," Nick said and looked around the empty table. "Want a drink?"
"No. I had one at the bar, and that was plenty. What about you? Are you having anything else?"
He shook his head. "I’m fine. Well no. I’m not fine. I’m freaked out because you’re here. I can’t believe you’re here."
"I can’t believe it either," I said feeling more relaxed now that we were alone. "You cut off all your hair."
He nodded. "Last summer. I just got tired of it long. Yours is longer." He ran his hand down the length of my hair. "What else is new? How’s Laura?"
"She’s getting married in the summer," I said.
"That’s great. Tell her I said congratulations. Bet you’re gonna miss your sister."
I nodded. "Yeah. Things sure change when people get married. Well, you know that," I said remembering that Kevin and Brian had recently married their fiancees.
"Yeah. The guys’ lives have changed, but it’s cool. Leighanne’s still busy working and so is Kristin. But she’s around more." He rolled his eyes. "I don’t just have Kev as a big brother anymore. Now she gets to be my big sister." He laughed. "She’s cool. More relaxed than he is, you know?"
"Things okay with you guys? Is he treating you all right?"
He smiled at me, and I noticed just how happy he was. "Yeah. Things are great with us guys. I think this year has really cemented things with us. Made everything right , you know? With the success of the last tour, the weddings and the new record, we’ve just become a tighter unit. I feel like I’m really a part of things. The guys are awesome, Elisa. I’m really glad I came back." He looked up surprised at me, but I pretended not to get it. Not to get that him coming back meant me losing him.
"I’m glad," I said. "That’s all that matters, Nick, that you’re really, truly totally happy."
He laughed easily and squeezed my hand inside his. "No one said anything about totally. I’m still on my own right now, and I wish that I had someone to share all of this with, you know? Lucky for me right now, AJ and Howie are single so we all hang out. I turned twenty-one last January, and we’ve pretty much been hitting the clubs since then. It’s fun."
"You meet a lot of girls?"
He laughed. "Yeah. It’s funny because they’re older, and sometimes, they don’t know who we are right away. But it’s just fun, Elisa. I know that I’m not going to meet anyone worthwhile in a club."
I laughed this time and looked at him. "We met in a club."
He turned a bit pink and ran his hand through his short hair. "Oh yeah. But I was stranded, dead drunk in that club. I wasn’t cruising for chicks like we do now."
"Cruising for chicks?"
"That’s what AJ calls it." He shrugged. "It’s just fun. What about you? Are you seeing someone?"
I thought about lying to him, but I didn’t. "Yeah. I’ve been seeing someone since January."
"Really? Are things serious?"
"I’m trying not to get serious. I don’t want to be serious with him, but it’s hard. I’m actually seeing Daniel. I told you about him. We were best friends, and then we got involved, but he ended up with someone else."
He was nodding before I finished my sentence. "Really? Yeah? That guy?"
I nodded. "That guy."
 

It was the thought of Daniel that startled me from sleep. I swallowed hard and looked around at the strange room until I remembered. I hadn’t been dreaming about Nick. All of that had happened.
I sat up on the bed only to remember that I had fallen asleep on the couch with him. I pushed my hair out of my face and struggled my way out from under all of the blankets.
I could see Nick’s blond head. He was asleep on the couch hugging a pillow and curled up against the cold.
Shit.
I had totally missed calling Daniel. I didn’t know how I’d explain myself.
How could I explain it to him if I couldn’t even explain it to myself? I knew very well that I should have gone back to my hotel when I had started to. Saying no to Nick was always difficult for me. I could only think of a few times when I had and had stuck to it. Besides, it wasn’t like I didn’t like being with him again. Like seeing him, feeling his touch hadn’t brought back the safety, the security I had lacked all these months. Because safety was the one thing I lacked since he was gone. Though Daniel was strong, and trustworthy (until now), my past experience with him made me doubt him as much as it made me trust him. I looked at him with a "here today, gone tomorrow" attitude which I had never been able to muster with anyone else. I had always reached the point where I was hopelessly attached, but not now.
I don’t think he suspected that. He seemed to think we were happy. That we had picked up where we had left off. That I had forgiven him. And I had. I couldn’t have been with him otherwise, but I hadn’t exactly forgotten either.
But that didn’t excuse my behavior with Nick the night before. After the long talk, we ended up kissing. Then back in the room, and after that it had been hard to stop. Almost like time had never passed between us.
I guess that’s why his words had really hit me. I had basically gone from being with him to being with Daniel. There was about a six month pause between them where I had to get over Nick, as if that was humanly possible.
A phone started ringing, but it wasn’t the room phone right next to me. I didn’t have a cell, so it had to be Nick’s.
He sat up with a start and looked around himself but saw nothing. I saw him feel under the couch and come up with the phone.
"Hello?...," he said sleepily and listened. Then he laughed. "Yeah... Yeah...She’s here," he smiled up at me. "Um-huh...Yeah...Hey, it’s not my fault you guys took off...Nah, we stayed around talking...Yes, that’s it....Okay.... Okay.... Downstairs?...Yeah, I’ll tell her...Bye."
"What’s going on?" I asked as he clicked off the phone.
"That was AJ. Josie just called his phone because she’s all worried about you. You guys supposed to be at the conference now?"
I glanced at my watch. It was already eight-thirty.
Damn.
"Yeah," I said climbing off the bed. "Since like eight. I can’t believe this. I can’t believe that I over-slept, and now I’m going to be so late. I still haven’t even called Daniel. I can’t believe myself. I’m not supposed to be doing this, Nick. I’m supposed to be responsible."
He stretched lazily and rubbed his eyes. "Bone wants to know if you’ll have breakfast with us."
"Breakfast?"
Was he kidding?
He shrugged. "He wanted to catch up with you too, and he said that I didn’t even give you guys a chance to talk last night. Jay’s always had a soft spot for you."
I found my shoes once again.
I sat next to him on the couch and half-laughed. "Soft spot? Why’s that?"
He shrugged. "I’ll never forget the plane ride home from Texas. Kevin sat next to me the whole time telling me that it was for the better, that I had made the right choice, that if you didn’t accept my lifestyle then I needed to move on." He chuckled softly. "When Kev went to the bathroom, AJ took his seat and said everything opposite. That you were a great girl. That in the future things would be different. That we had to give ourselves time." He looked up at me and smiled.
I touched his hair and leaned in to kiss his cheek. "Remind me to buy him lunch some other day," I said pulling myself off the couch. "I’d better go."
"You’re not going to have breakfast with us then?" he asked in a disappointed tone.
"Nick--," I began.
"C’mon. If you’re already late, what’s another hour? Jay’s gonna be even more disappointed."
"Guilt trip? You’re giving me a guilt trip?"
He laughed. "C’mon. Please?"
I must be a real sucker.
"I need to get back to my room to change. Then we can go eat," I told him, and he immediately started laughing. "Be quiet, Nick."
"Give me ten minutes, and I’ll get you back there. Hang on."
While he was showering and changing, I called our hotel room, but Josie was gone. I guessed that she was at the conference like she was supposed to be. I always thought her irresponsible, but things sure had changed as soon as we left town.
AJ looked wide-awake enough though he swore that they had rolled in sometime around sunrise.
"Your friend’s such a blast," he was saying as he downed some orange juice. "We danced the entire night."
"I believe it," I said looking around at the mostly-empty restaurant. "She called looking for me this morning?"
He nodded. "Yeah. She was all scared. Elisa’s not here, and I don’t know what to do."
I shook my head. "I guess I should have called to tell her that I was with Nick. I just lost track of time."
He nodded again. "Guess you have, huh? But I called her back to tell her that everything was cool. That you were safe with Nicky."
Nick smiled downing his oatmeal then looked around. "Where’s everyone? We’re just meeting for the sound check at the venue?"
"Looks like," AJ said with a shrug. "Nothing else is on the schedule. What are you two up to today?"
"Conference," I said assuredly. "I have to be there today. My registration is paid for and all."
"Wanna shop?" AJ asked Nick who just shrugged.
"I was gonna keep twisting her arm to hang out with me," he said with a smile. "Wanna go shopping with us?"
"I can’t, you know that. I shouldn’t even be here."
AJ laughed. "Okay, let me ask you something. It’s important."
I nodded. "Okay."
"When are you going to get another chance to shop in Baltimore with us? You and Josie can go to the conference tomorrow. So you miss a day? Big deal. Who is really going to know? On the other hand, we’ll be gone after the show tomorrow, and you might never catch up with us like this again. We won’t be able to go shopping. To have lunch. You won’t be able to go to the sound check with us. See what our little world is all about it. When is any of that going to happen again?"
AJ was something else. Even when I met him, I knew immediately that there was something more than special about him. He had been the only one, besides Nick, who had taken the time to talk to me. He was the only one who knew what was going through my mind when I left.
"But if you just have to go sit in some huge teachers’ conference where you won’t even be able to see the speaker, and no one even talks to you, then go ahead. Me and Nicky will find someone else to hang out with, right?"
We both turned to Nick who sat up startled. "Yeah. Um-huh."
AJ rolled his eyes. "Just go with us. You’ll have a good time. We’ll stop at some good place for lunch, then we’ll pick up Josie. That way, we can all go to the show. Yeah?"
Who could say no to all of that? Certainly not me.
"Sounds good," I said while Nick laughed next to me.
AJ smiled and dug into his sparse breakfast. "See? I knew you’d make the right choice and stay this time."
Nick sat up. "Be right back. Hang on." He disappeared toward the bathrooms, and I looked at AJ.
"What?" he asked.
"This time?"
He smiled. "C’mon! I know your story. I know it even better than Nicky. You guys are back together, and that’s what counts."
"AJ, we bumped into each other. It’s a coincidence. How can we be back together when we’re both just here for a little while?"
"You’re back together right now. That’s what I meant," he said downing more of his juice. "What’s wrong with living the moment? Enjoying it?"
I nodded because that’s the way I had been treating everything. Just in the right now.
"Besides," AJ said. "There are no coincidences."
I looked up at him from my bagel.
"It’s true," he said. "Nothing in life is a coincidence. Everything happens for a reason, and if you’re here...." He dropped off and shrugged.
I sucked in air and finished my food while I tried not to think too much.
 

These guys knew how to shop. I knew AJ was great at shopping because I had gone with him back in Austin. He loved looking at everything, and it didn’t even bother him to go into girl stores with me. Nick, on the other hand, was busy looking for comic book collectibles and CD’s. One of the bodyguards had gone with us even though there weren’t many young girls at the mall. Most of them were probably at school or hunting for the guys in DC. But a few people did ask them for autographs which they both gave away happily with big smiles.
"Thank you," Nick said as he gave the clerk at the record store his autograph.
She gushed and hugged the slip of paper to herself. AJ and I were already headed out the door.
"You just made her day," I told him as he caught up to us.
"You think?"
"Just her day?" AJ asked seemingly offended.
I laughed and found myself reaching for Nick. Like on impulse. He put his arm around me, and we finished walking through the large mall. I bought an extra pair of jeans because I didn’t have anything casual to wear to the concert. I didn’t want to show up there in my teacher outfits and look even older than I was.
"What now?" Nick asked looking around once we had finished the mall. It was barely noon.
"I need to catch up with Josie. Let me go find her at the conference. Besides, I have to call home."
Nick looked down at me making a face. "Daniel?"
"He’s probably worried," I said.
"Who’s Daniel?" AJ asked surprised as he shifted his shopping bags.
"Her man," Nick said rolling his eyes.
"My... uh yeah, boyfriend," I said.
"Really? You have a boyfriend?" he asked. "Are you sure? You don’t sound too convinced there Elisa girl."
I nodded. "I’m sure."
"Well, lets drop you off, and Bone and me can leave this stuff in our rooms," Nick was saying. "We can check in with the other guys, right? Then we meet for lunch at one? After that, we’ll need to start getting down to DC. Sound good?"
I let go of him for the first time in a while. "Yeah. That sounds good."
"I’ll meet you in your lobby," Nick said.
"Bring Josie," AJ said.
I laughed. Typical Josie.
We headed for the car that had dropped us off at the mall.
"I just got really busy," I was telling Daniel. I ended up calling him at work because it was already ten-thirty El Paso time. "I’m sorry."
"Did you guys go out?" he asked.
"Um yeah. Just to the bar downstairs. Josie met some guys, and we just sat around talking until late," I lied. Well, halfway lied.
"Really?" Daniel laughed. "Did you have a good time? Were they nice guys?"
"Yeah. But they’re only here for a little while. How are you?"
"I’m great," he said. "I was kind of worried about you."
"I know. I’m sorry. We got to the room really late, and got up just on time to make it to the conference. I skipped lunch to call you." The half lie just got bigger and bigger.
"It’s okay," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Don’t worry. I trust you. I know how it was. You were probably just looking out for Josie because she probably really liked one of the guys, and I bet she got pretty plastered too. Huh?"
I swallowed hard and tried to laugh casually. "Yeah. You know her really well."
"I know you really well too. I know you’re just being a good friend to her. That’s really cool of you. I don’t have any worries while you’re gone. I was kidding about your Backstreet Boys stuff."
"I know, Danny. I know."
"Where’s Josie now?"
I still didn’t know since the first thing I had done was call him. "Um, she’s eating, I think. Downstairs."
"How’s Baltimore?"
"Really beautiful. A little cold, but nice. I just saw the harbor yesterday when we got here. I haven’t had a chance to do any sightseeing."
"Not even the mall?" Daniel asked.
I almost choked. "No. I tell you, I’ve been stuck at that conference. That conference where I can’t even see the speaker and no one even talks to me."
He chuckled. "Well, maybe it’ll get better."
"Maybe."
"You’d better eat lunch," he said. "Don’t go skipping meals over there, okay?"
"Yeah," I said. "Okay."
"I’m glad you’re okay. Thanks for calling. Keep an eye on Josie though."
"Of course. And I’m sorry to have worried you," I said honestly for once.
"Don’t worry. I’ll talk to you soon, okay? Tonight?"
I had to think because I had already told Nick I’d be at the concert.
"Um well, see tonight--," I stammered while I thought of another lie.
"Call me when you can, Ellie. It’s okay. Have a good time. But I miss you."
"I miss you too," I said though that was a lie too. "Bye."
"Bye."
Josie was a bit more difficult to deal with. I found her waiting in the hotel lobby looking around, probably for me.
"Are you crazy?" she asked when I explained that the guys wanted to go to lunch then hit DC in preparation for the concert. "Are you nuts?"
"No, I’m not crazy. Look, when are you going to get another chance like this?" I asked echoing AJ’s words. "We’ll come to the conference tomorrow. What’s the big deal?"
"That’s not a big deal," she said. "The big deal is you and Nick. What is that all about? You two know each other? From where? What did you guys do last night? What happened? You never came back."
I pushed a strand of hair behind me ear and told her the whole story. Only Laura and I knew about how I had found him "dead drunk" in a gay bar. We were the only ones who saw him go through hell to find his way to his destiny. I had never told anyone else.
"But he left," I told her at the end of the story. "We spent a whole year together, but this is where he belongs."
Her eyes were wide in disbelief. "If I hadn’t seen his reaction to you, I wouldn’t believe a word you are saying, Ellie. You had a relationship with this guy? He lived with you?"
I nodded. "For a year. But listen Jo, that’s not important anymore. It’s the past, and--."
"What do you mean it’s not important? How can it not be important? How can you dismiss it like some losing lottery ticket?"
Funny analogy, I thought. I mean, I had been accused of being interested in his money.
"It’s not like that anymore. I think we both accept that this is a happy coincidence. Yeah, I like him. I like being with him. Nothing happened last night. We talked. We caught up on each others’ lives, lost track of time, and I fell asleep. If you remember, I’m trying to have something with Daniel back home."
"If I remember?" she laughed. "You’re the one who needs to be remembering, Elisa. We are going home the day after tomorrow. Monday morning, we are back in El Paso. Back in reality."
"I know that."
"You’d better," she said. "I think I’d be having a hell of a time keeping that in mind. Not getting caught up in those big blue eyes and that nice smile. How can you not?"
I shrugged because her words made me doubt that I could stay not caught up. "I’m being real. I’ve been here before. I’m not going to make the same mistake and fall in love with him, just to lose him. Only stupid girls make the same mistake over and over."
"Unless it happens to be your favorite mistake," she said looking serious for the first time since I’d known her.
"Favorite mistake? How can a mistake be your favorite?" I asked confused.
"Because you like making it," she said then stopped. "Look, there’s AJ."
And sure enough here came the guys through the hotel doors and into the lobby.
"Are you going to lunch with us or not?" I asked standing up and grabbing my purse and jacket.
She nodded. "Yeah. I’d be crazy not to."
The guys picked some seafood place between Baltimore and DC. AJ had rented a truck, and for the first time, we were without security.
"It should be cool," he said as we waited to order. "Things have been so calm since we got here."
Nick nodded. "Yeah, not at all like when people know who we are. We’ve had girls camp outside the hotels entire nights in the cold and the rain. And then all these stories get made up about us and the people in the hotels. It’s crazy."
Josie smiled. "You probably love it. Who wouldn’t? Thousands of screaming girls throwing underwear at you." She laughed.
"So you have been to one of our shows," AJ said. "Elisa, you lied."
"I didn’t--," I began, but he laughed.
"I know! I’m teasing you. Yeah, screaming girls are nice. But when you go back to the room, and you’re all alone, what good is it?" he asked. "Screaming girls can’t keep you warm. They can’t talk about what’s going on in their lives. They can just scream."
"Well, you can go out there and pick one to take back," she said with a shrug. "I mean, you can have your pick of so many women."
I saw Nick smile and look down at his hands.
AJ shook his head and sat forward. "You don’t get it. It’s not about getting whoever. It’s about being with the right person. Kevin married a girl that he’s known longer than he’s been in the group. A girl who he had broken up with countless of times while he took up with whoever. But he always went back to her. Brian married Leighanne after knowing her for years too. The girl who is in and out of my life has been around forever too. I don’t know why I keep going back to her when I meet beautiful women all the time. But I do. I think that when you’re someone like me, like Kevin, Howie, Brian or Nick, you’re not looking for whoever. You’re looking for someone who makes a difference. And usually, that’s whoever you’ve had a serious relationship with out of the spotlight. As difficult as that may be."
I was watching him speak wondering what was going through his crazy mind. His words were not lost on me because take away the famous part, and that’s all any of us was looking for. Someone who made a difference.
"Lonely rock star syndrome?" Josie asked. "So it’s true, huh?"
Nick raised his eyes to her surprised, and I wanted to kick myself for even inviting her. She had such a big mouth sometimes.
AJ scooted closer to her and put his arm around her. "Not as long as you’re around, baby." He laughed softly effectively dismissing her insensitive words.
"Are you ready to order?" the waitress asked standing in front of us.
We all did and finally left behind that uncomfortable conversation. I had decided to take my time with Nick for what it was. Just a good time.
"You’re friend’s funny," he said as we entered the venue through the back. Plenty of girls were already lined up around the auditorium peering into every vehicle that drove in. AJ had found a way to get in through the back unnoticed.
"Funny?" I shrugged. "She’s not that much my friend, I tell you. She’s a girl who ends up needing help for all her tough talk. I always end up somewhere consoling her, telling her that everything’s going to be okay, that she has to be tough on her on."
"Like me?" he asked putting his arm around me and pulling me close.
I had never thought about that. "Yeah sort of. Except you were never that stupid. Josie really needs to be quiet more often."
His laughter echoed through the concrete walls as we made it to the dressing rooms. Flashbacks of the last time I was backstage at a concert flitted through my mind. I remembered being so uncomfortable that I ended up just going home.
"Well, well," Kevin said as we finally found them through the mess of tunnels. He and Brian were practicing on some guitars.
"Hey, man," Nick greeted. "Where’s Kristin?"
"She went home today," he said tuning one of the strings on his guitar. "She has an audition later this week, and she wanted to be prepared. What have you guys been up to today?"
Nick shrugged. "Shopping. Eating. Bone was with us, but he’s giving Josie the grand tour of the bus."
"Josie?" Brian asked.
"That’s my friend," I explained. "The one that met you last night."
"Oh, he’s being gentlemanly? Or he’s picking up on her?" Brian asked.
"We were wondering the same thing. Who knows with those two. Where’s ‘D?" Nick asked.
"Not here yet, I think," Kevin said. "He’s probably on his way."
I still didn’t feel completely comfortable around him. I didn’t blame him for making Nick go back to them. I still believed that was one hundred percent his decision. But I wasn’t sure if he didn’t still doubt my intentions with him. Kevin once accused me of being me money-driven. Apparently, most of the girls who had been interested in Nick before, had an agenda.
The guys continued to tinker on their instruments while Nick put our jackets away and went to grab some chairs from another room. I almost started after him because I still dreaded being around Kevin without him.
"Here. You can have this one," he suddenly said putting his guitar down and pushing his chair over to me.
"No. It’s okay. Nick’ll be right back."
"It’s fine," he said and walked across the room to put away his guitar.
But I sat down just so he wouldn’t say anything.
"So," Brian said and sat facing me. "How are you? Are you guys having a good time?"
"Pretty much. Yeah," I said. "Here I am blowing everything off to hang out with you guys."
He shrugged. "Blowing everything off once in awhile is good. It’s relaxing. Besides, you’re supposed to be on vacation, right?"
I nodded. "Yeah, this is spring break. But I’ll have the rest of the week when I get home."
He nodded. "We’re having a party today, after the show."
"Yeah?"
"Nick didn’t tell you?" he seemed surprised.
I shook my head.
"Nick forgot," Kevin said simply. "He forgets everything. I’m sure he’s figuring if he dragged you along this far, you’ll go along with the party as well."
I nodded and looked at them. It struck me that I was in the room with two very important people in Nick’s life. AJ was always comforting and casual, and he never passed judgment on anything. It was different with them. These two had scrutiny in their eyes. I knew Nick and Brian where very good friends, but it was Kevin that I feared. He was downright protective to the point of being meddlesome. At least he had been in the past.
I thought quickly of something to make small talk. "I didn’t know you guys were going to be here now. If I had realized that, I would have bought tickets to the DC show."
"Really?" Brian smiled. "Like you would have needed a ticket."
I turned back to him a little surprised. "Well, I bought tickets to the Austin show. I would have made plans to come to this one too if I had known."
Kevin laughed easily and leaned back on the counter. "Bri means that you could have called the phone number Nick left you. Do that whenever you want to stop by."
He knew about the phone number. My letter was back home at the bottom of a drawer in a box, folded neatly under the very first love letter I ever received. It was from a boy in my first grade class. The same box that contained the earrings my mother had left me which I considered too precious to wear. All items that hadn’t seen the light of day since I put them away because I didn’t think that I had a use for them.
"I didn’t think about that," I said. "I didn’t even think I’d be seeing you guys right now."
Brian smiled and pulled himself out of the chair. "One never expects the really good things. I’ll be right back. I’m going to call home before things get crazy."
Great. I swallowed hard and glanced back at the door hoping Nick was making his reappearance.
"He’ll be right back," Kevin drawled taking Brian’s chair, turning it backwards and sitting down. "Nick I mean. He probably got caught up talking to someone, or out with the fans. Typical Nick stuff."
I nodded. "Yeah, probably. Hey, congratulations on the wedding," I said not giving him a chance to begin a conversation that I didn’t want to have. "How’s married life?"
He chuckled. "It’s just like single life right now. It’s not like having a real home to go to everyday after work and talk with Kristin. After the show, it’s kinda late to call her, so maybe I won’t. I hate to wake her up. But the good thing is that we have a break after tomorrow."
"Nick was telling me."
He nodded. "I can just go home and forget about everything for a little while. Well, as long as Kristin didn’t get some job that’s going to keep her out of town and away from home."
"She’s still working?"
He squinted his eyes for a second then nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes, I wish she’d just work with us. With our dancers. Other times, I wish she’d just stay home so we could be together whenever I have a couple of weeks off. But we agreed to support each other in our careers. So," he shrugged. "So I have to be supportive."
I shook my head. "You have a crazy schedule, and it takes a lot of love to be a part of it."
"Yeah. That it does. On both of our parts though, Elisa. Don’t think I haven’t thought about up and quitting just to be with her. I’m set for the rest of my life. My mom, my brothers, my family, my future kids. I don’t care if I never work another day again. But my heart’s here too," he said pressing a small smile. "With the guys. With this music."
I watched him thinking about how much a year changed people. Or maybe he hadn’t changed. Maybe I just wasn’t a threat to him anymore, an obstacle between him and his vision of a perfect life.
"That’s why you stayed home instead of following Nicky, right?" he said looking at the floor. "You love what you do too. Your heart’s with your kids, at your school. In your home."
I swallowed back and pushed my hair off my shoulder.
When I didn’t answer right away, he looked up at me. His eyes seemed as green as a brand new green crayon. The thick kind of crayons that my students were always breaking.
"Am I right?" he asked. "I know you don’t owe me any explanations. But girls who make a whole lot more money than you, who have a whole lot more holding them back, have been ready to leave whatever for him. Anything. And you didn’t."
"I couldn’t," I said easily.
"Why?"
I had to think, because I wasn’t sure of my answer. Plain stupidity?
"I don’t--," I began.
"Oh no!" AJ rushed into the room. "You two aren’t fighting, are you?"
"C’mon, Bone!" Kevin laughed.
"No. Don’t Kev. There’s plenty of Nicky for the both of you. No need to fight," he said looking very seriously at us.
"It’s okay," I said.
"Because if you’re fighting, you’re going to have to give me some time to get some bets placed. I could make some real money with this one."
Josie was right behind him laughing up a storm.
Kevin shook his head and stood up. "We’ll talk later. I’ve got to go."
"Aw, c’mon!" AJ whined. "Don’t go yet. I want to see her deck you."
The look Kevin gave him would have shut me up for good, but AJ just laughed it off.
"How’s your right hook, Elisa?" AJ asked with a grin.
"It’s stinks," I said. "Where have you two been?"
"Looking around," Josie said. "This place is awesome. This is some set up you guys have with the food, the drinks, everything. You get the royal treatment like this every night?"
"Every night," AJ said. "Where’s Frack?"
"Here," Nick said appearing behind him. "Sorry. I was talking to some guys from a radio station. Here," he said pushing a bottle of orange juice at me. "Who got you a chair?"
"Kevin gave me his. It’s okay, don’t worry."
"Kevin?" he wrinkled his nose and gave AJ a look. AJ just shrugged.
"Truce," he mouthed.
I shook my head at them.
"You guys wanna watch the sound check from the seats?" Nick offered.
"Of course," I told him. "Let’s go."
Nick walked us to the second row from the front of the stage. "Where do you guys wanna sit tonight? Or do you want to hang around backstage?"
I’d never seen a concert from the audience.
"Backstage," Josie said. "Definitely."
Nick smiled at me, as we sat down to look at the huge stage. It was taller than it had been in the past or so it seemed from the audience.
He glanced at his watch. "After the sound check, things are going to get crazy, so I probably won’t see you until after the show. We’re having a meet and greet and some interviews. Just make sure you have your passes with you at all times. Okay?"
I was just watching him. Josie might have nodded. I’m not even sure. I was just thinking about how incredibly handsome he’d become. When I met him, he still had a baby face. He looked like kid. He was all man now, but something child-like remained in his eyes and in his mannerisms. He still acted like he was some guy, not like he was Nick Carter.
"Is that okay with you?" he asked again. "You can hang out wherever, but I probably won’t be able to--."
"It’s okay," I said coming back to myself. "Don’t worry. I sort of remember the routine. Brian and Kevin tell me there’s a party."
He wrinkled his nose again and laughed. "The party! That’s right. We’re going to have one tonight before the break because I think Brian’s leaving right after the show tomorrow. Kevin’s leaving a few hours later. I think only Howie and Aje will be around over night."
"And you?" I asked.
"I’m driving to Tampa," he shrugged. "I’ll probably rent a truck and drive. I love to drive. Since I have time, I’ll just cruise around ‘till I get home. Hey, but we’re going to the party, right?"
"Right," I said and looked at Josie. She was still staring at the stage taking it all in.
"Yeah. If it’s a party, I’m there," she smiled.
Nick laughed. "Awesome." He glanced at his watch. "I’d better go, Elisa. We have a few things to do before we come out here and do the check. Catch up with me after the show, okay? I’ll be ready right away."
"Sure honey," I said.
His smile grew at his old nickname, and I know I changed colors.
"Sorry. I got used to calling you that."
"It’s okay," he said and leaned into my face. I watched him, not moving and closed my eyes when he was close enough to kiss me because I didn’t want to have a chance to think twice.
No one on this Earth kissed like him. I couldn’t believe that I’d forgotten those long, soft, deliberate kisses. Then I realized that I had never forgotten. I had made myself stop thinking about them, about him.
The very same way, I made myself pull my face away from his.
He touched my face and smiled. "I’d better go, huh?"
"Yeah. I think so."
"I don’t really want to now. Why don’t we just--."
"Hello? Earth to Nick Carter. Come in Nick Carter," Brian twanged over the speaker system. "Stop kissing that young lady, and come get to work."
Nick closed his eyes embarrassed, and I looked up to find him, AJ and Howie on the stage watching us. Brian had the microphone in his hand.
"Let’s go, Frack."
"I swear, he dies tonight."
I laughed and kissed his cheek. "Bye."
"Bye."
I spent most of that show chasing behind Josie because everything was so fascinating to her. The guys had some high-profile guests visit them backstage, and of course, she had to go look. Some girl Howie was seeing stopped by as well, and Josie gave her the once over.
"She’s okay," she said. "She has chubby ankles."
"Chubby ankles?" I asked. "Who looks at people’s ankles for chubbiness?"
"I want to go check out that bodyguard. C’mon. Let’s go."
The guys were singing Spanish Eyes, so I had stopped at the monitor to watch. That was one of my favorite songs.
"No, I’ll wait," I said. "Go ahead."
"C’mon," I heard her whine, but I put it out of my head. Since I had actually become a real fan, I hadn’t had a chance to see the guys in concert, so I wasn’t going to miss this by staring at some bodyguard. But then again, I wasn’t exactly watching the guys either. I was watching Nick, and I was completely unable to take my eyes off of him.
 

We danced the whole night. The after party was in some club in downtown DC, and the guys had the VIP area to themselves. Plenty of people had been invited or bribed their way into the spacious lounge with the huge dance floor.
We started the night at the bar having a few drinks but quickly moved on to the dance floor. Josie and AJ danced next to us for awhile. Howie was dancing with the girl with the alleged chubby ankles. Brian and Kevin were dancing with different girls at different times. But no one could outlast us on the dance floor.
"We always danced all night," I told Nick. "I haven’t done this in forever."
"You haven’t? Doesn’t Daniel take you dancing?"
"We don’t go dancing," I said over the loud music. "We go to the movies, to dinner or just hang out."
"Hm, that does sound boring. Don’t you miss having an exciting boyfriend, like me? At least I like to dance."
I grabbed his middle and hugged on to him as tight as I could. "Trust me, it’s not the excitement that makes you better than him."
Nick hugged me back, and then we continued to dance.
What seemed like just an hour later, I felt a hand on my back, and Kevin grabbed Nick’s arm.
"We’re going now. Are you guys staying?"
"Already?" Nick asked surprised.
"Baby, it’s like three in the morning," Kevin laughed. "Where’s your watch?"
Nick looked at his watch and did a double take. "What? Wow. Where’d the time go?"
"We’re going back," Kevin repeated. "I think Bone’s staying, but that’s it. Todd’s taking us back. If you stay, Mike will stay, but remember to tell him when you’re leaving."
"No, let’s go," Nick said. "I wanted to do a couple of things tomorrow. Is that okay?" he asked me.
I was dead tired by then too, but only because I hadn’t realized how late it was.
"AJ’s staying?" I asked.
Kevin nodded. "I think that’s what he said. He and your friend are at the bar getting plastered."
I glanced over my shoulder as we followed Kevin off the dance floor. Sure enough, she and AJ were doing shots. I stopped walking.
"What?" Nick asked and followed my gaze. "Shit," he muttered. "Damn AJ."
"Think she’ll be okay?"
"Sure," he said. "Jay won’t leave her behind or anything like that. But I don’t have a clue how wasted they’re going to get. We can stay just to be sure they’re okay."
"AJ drove over here, huh?"
He nodded. "But Mike won’t let him drive back. No way. I’m telling you, we can just stay here. Just to be sure."
"No. I can stay if you’re tired," I told him. "You said you had stuff to do."
He laughed. "Yeah, stuff to do with you. I wanted to check out the aquarium tomorrow. It’s right by your hotel. That was it."
I could hear Josie’s laughter from where we were standing. She was just having a riot of a time.
"It’s your call," Nick said. "Really. Whatever you decide is fine."
"Aren’t they supposed to stop serving alcohol at two? It’s so late."
Nick wrapped his arms around my waist. "That’s in regular clubs, Elisa. This is a VIP room, and they’ll do whatever the VIP’s want, even get them wasted after serving hours. We can stay," he said. "If it makes you feel better, we will."
I saw Josie lose her balance and grab on AJ’s arm. They started back to the dance floor.
"Elisa!" she yelled when she saw me. "C’mon! Let’s go dance. Let’s go Nick! Let’s go dance."
AJ smiled at us and poked Nick’s side. "C’mon guys."
Great. This was just great. I was so tempted to leave her. Just to let her get as stupid as she wanted. What could I possibly lose anyway?
"What’s the verdict, guys?" Kevin asked. Brian, Howie and his friend were right behind him.
"We’re staying," Nick said. "Right?"
I was still watching them dance all over each other. "Yeah. But thanks."
"If you’re sure," Kevin said. "Mike works security with us, and he won’t let anything happen to them. They’ll be fine. It’s already super-late."
Nick waited for me to say something, but I looked up at him and then at Kevin.
"You can’t baby-sit people forever," Kevin said. "She’s a big girl now, and AJ’s a big boy."
"At least that’s what we’ve heard," Brian said. "Don’t take Kevin’s word for it."
I laughed and took Nick’s hand back into mine. "Yeah okay. Let’s go."
"Wanna tell her?" Nick asked. "So they won’t look for us."
I shook my head.
"No. We already told them," Kevin said. "Let’s go."
Todd took us back in a big van. Nick and I took the back seat and sat as close to each other as we could. Suddenly, I couldn’t be too close to him. I didn’t even know what was happening to me. I wasn’t even trying to stay in control anymore.
"You’re staying with me, right?" he whispered into my ear as we approached the Baltimore harbor.
"Yeah," I said. "I am."
 

"So what is it about this guy?" Nick asked with a sniffle. His nose had started running about half an hour after we decided to sit out on his balcony and wait for the sun to rise. It was already five in the morning. We had piled on layers of his clothes, our jackets and dragged the blankets outside with us, but it was still really cold. We were sitting on the floor with our back resting against the glass doors that led inside. We were relying on each other plenty for body warmth which was good because we had spent the past two hours kissing and touching. We needed to cool off, at least I did.
"He’s a good guy," I said.
"What? The guy who took your friendship and threw it away like that? Didn’t he stop hanging out with you after he got involved with that girl?"
"Yeah. But that’s the past, Nick. We have a really good relationship." I stopped because I couldn’t even be sure that was true anymore. I hadn’t called him all day.
"You had a good relationship before, right? Before he ended up choosing that other girl over you."
The sky was pretty light already. The sun had started making its way up through the clouds and over the water.
"Yes," I said already tired of talking about Daniel. "But people change, honey. Didn’t the guys change with you? Aren’t things different now?"
"Yeah. That’s because we’ve all grown up. We’re friends, or more like brothers and business partners. We’re not involved with each other the way you’re involved with that guy. It just sounds like you’re risking a lot with someone who is not even trustworthy. Have you thought about that? That he could disappoint you again? Throw everything away again?"
I looked up at him. There was still a smudge of my lipstick under his chin.
I tried to wipe it off with my thumb while he smiled.
"I think I’m the one doing the disappointing right now. I’m the one who’s here with you instead of in bed resting. What would he say if he knew what I was doing? Aren’t I the one throwing everything away?"
"I think if he was to know that you’re happy with me, then he’d be happy for you. Aren’t you the one who told me that love’s not selfish? That you should want good things for the people you love. You should want what they want?"
"This is not what he wants," I said. "I can assure you of that."
"What about you? What do you want?"
I sucked in air and leaned my head against the glass. I was tired after not having slept the whole night. I was tired after having analyzed everything, then letting myself go. I was just tired.
"I want to sleep," I said looking up as the first rays broke through the clouds. "Or maybe some coffee."
He elbowed me gently. "I was being serious. What do you want, Elisa? Really? Why are you here? Why are you throwing things with Daniel away if you’re so certain that you want them?"
I closed my eyes. Because I could never resist Nick. I could never say no to him, stay away from him or even stop thinking about him. No matter how much I tired, how much distance I put between us, there was always this thing that didn’t let me let go.
Then there was reality.
"Because I’m not certain," I said opening my eyes. "I have doubts about Daniel too. That’s why I’m here."
"That’s all?" he asked a bit disappointed.
I looked over at him. He looked more tired than I could ever be. The show had taken a lot out of him, and we hadn’t even eaten dinner afterward. I pulled my warm hand out of the blanket and touched his cold face.
"You’re freezing out here," I said and rubbed his cheek to warm him up.
He stopped my hand and pulled it gently to his mouth. Slowly, he kissed my palm then each finger one at a time. I closed my eyes knowing that my reaction was coming, that I was going to end up wanting him more than I wanted to.
I felt him barely suck on the tip of my index finger then rub his soft lips with them. Then he shivered.
I opened my eyes, and took my hand away from him. "You’re going to freeze. If you get sick, it’s going to be my fault, and the guys are going to kill me."
He leaned in closer to me. "If I get sick, I’ll be on my break, and you’ll have to take care of me. You can make me soup and tuck me in. How’s that?"
I took his face in my hands and kissed him this time because I was tired of talking. I didn’t really want to know about his break because I knew I had some time off after this weekend. It wasn’t like I couldn’t actually take care of him. Like I couldn’t stay. It wasn’t like I didn’t want to.
I kissed him until the sun shone brightly in our faces. The temperature stayed low, but we ended up squinting on the terrace.
"That it?" Nick asked disappointed again. "The sun rises better in Florida."
"Really? I wouldn’t know. Can we go get some sleep now?"
"Well, you can find out," he said standing up under all the blankets we’d taken out with us. He put his hand out to me and helped me up. "You can come home with me for the rest of spring break."
"Nick," I began.
"No, no. Don’t answer yet. We get to hang out for one more day, and then you can decide, okay?" He sniffled again. "Just think and be honest when the time comes."
"I’ll always be honest with you, you know that. Now get inside before you turn into a popsicicle."
"You can warm me up," he said as we headed back inside. "You just don’t want to because ... Hey, why don’t you want to?"
He asked so many questions.
"Because we just barely found each other again. I don’t think it’s a good idea to jump into everything like we actually have time to be together, Nick. I’m trying to be honest with myself."
"Are you?"
"Yeah. I keep telling myself that you still have that life that keeps you away. I still have the life I want back home. No matter how comfortable we are together, those things still exist."
He sat down on the bed and started peeling off the layers of clothes. "I don’t think you’re being honest the right way."
"Right way?" I asked confused.
"Um-huh. The reality is that we’re happy together. That’s only been a little bit over twenty-four hours, and it’s like time never passed. We talk like we used to, we kiss like we used to. I want to be around you all the time. That’s the reality. Our jobs, our homes, those are things we can work around. You look at things backwards."
I pulled off the sweatshirt he had loaned me and sat down next to him. He was rubbing his hands together to warm them up. I gave him mine so he could do the same.
"Am I right? Or am I right?" he asked as he rubbed my hands with his.
I leaned my head on his shoulder and kept my mouth closed.
He was right. He was more right than anyone else had been my whole life.
"Geez Elisa," he said lying back and pulling me down with him. I held on tightly to him and hid my face in his warm chest. "Why do you always hold back on me? Why can’t you just go with things for once?"
"I don’t know," I said. "I’m tired."
"Me too. Go to sleep," he said and I felt him kiss my hair. "Just rest."
 

I had too much to think about the next day to even consider going to the conference. Some responsible person I had turned out to be. When I got back to the room, I realized that even Josie had gone. Her clothes from the night before were on the bathroom floor, and I saw her hair accessories and make up all over the place. For a second there, I wished I was the wild one. Just out having fun, living for the moment without owing anything to anyone.
But I owed Nick the world.
I knew that. He was there just giving himself away without a thought, without a doubt. He was like a little kid plucking marbles out of his pockets, the way he poured his emotions from his heart.
I was sitting around wringing my hands, biting my lip and thinking about what a liar I was, how impossible the whole scenario was. It wasn’t even so much who he was. It was that he was so young. He still seemed confused by those illusions of true love. Of perfect love. All those things I knew didn’t exist.
After taking a shower and getting ready, I was sitting down on my unused bed when the phone rang.
"Hello?"
"Hey. You’re there," Daniel said. "I’ve been calling most of the morning."
It was already well-past noon.
"Sorry. I got--."
"Busy?" he asked. "I guess you’ve been busy a lot."
"Yeah," I said nodding absently. "I have."
"Everything all right? Something wrong?"
"No. I’m just tired, I guess. I didn’t know that I was going to be at those sessions for so long. I’ve hardly had a break," I said more softly that I meant to. "It’s just been go, go, go."
"You sound tired," he said. "But hey, you’re coming home tomorrow morning. Sure you can’t get a flight out tonight?"
"No," I said. "The district did all the arrangements, and I can’t change my flight. I’m sorry."
"It’s okay," he said. "Hey, I was watching MTV, and they started talking about your group."
"My group?"
"The Backstreet Boys. Aren’t they in DC just about now? That’s pretty close to you."
I swallowed hard and tried to seem natural. "I think I heard something about that on the news. But that show’s been sold out for months, Daniel."
"Yeah, but I was online just now, and I can get you and Josie some tickets. You want them? I mean, I know you like them, and I am always teasing you. But I bet you’d enjoy the show. I think the person who is selling them is in the DC area, and maybe they could meet you to pick up the tickets. All I have to do is email them."
I closed my eyes and felt pretty close to being the worst woman in the whole world. Daniel, like everyone else back home, knew nothing about Nick and me. He just thought I had some silly crush.
"It’s okay," I said finally. "I’m getting this big headache, and all I’ll want to do tonight is sleep. But thanks. It’s sweet of you to ask."
I heard him laugh. "Well, I may hate them, but I want you to have a good time over there. It sounds like so much work. When you come home, we’ll just sit around and relax. That’s all. Does that sound good to you?"
"Yeah," I began, but there was a knock on the door. I had left Nick showering at his hotel. He was going to pick me up so we could eat and go down to DC again. "Hang on."
"Sure."
I opened the door to find him standing there with a big smile and a bunch of flowers.
"Here," he said sticking them out to me. The poor things were already wilting in the cold.
I smiled. "Thanks honey." I reached up, kissed his cheek and pulled him inside.
"Are you ready to go? We barely have time to eat, and--."
"Hang on," I said. "Just a sec."
"You girls are messy," he said looking around. "I can’t believe my room is neater than--."
I grabbed the phone again and looked at him.
"Oh sorry," he said.
"You there? Sorry," I said to Daniel.
"It’s okay," he said. "Everything all right?"
"Yeah, everything’s fine. Listen, don’t worry about the concert. It’s no big thing. But I think I’d better go now, because I still need to eat, and I have more sessions in the afternoon. So, I’d better just, um, go," I said.
"Okay," he sighed. "Think you can call me tonight?"
"Yeah probably," I flat out lied. "I will."
"Okay. Can’t wait till tomorrow, Ellie. We’ll do something fun. Maybe dinner?"
"Sure," I said as Nick pulled the flowers out of my hands and disappeared into the bathroom. "Bye."
"Bye," he said, and I think he might have said something else, but I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to hear another word, or have another opportunity to lie to him. What I was doing was already bad enough.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
"Just getting water," he called. "Was the him?"
"Him Daniel? Yeah," I admitted. "He wanted to know if I wanted him to buy me tickets to the concert."
"To our concert?" He came back into view with the flowers in a water bottle Josie had left in the bathroom. "Really?"
I nodded. "He knows I’m a big fan. You should hear him tease me. He threatens to throw away my CD’s everyday. But he’s over there willing to buy me tickets to the concert even though he hates you guys. And here I am...," I just shook my head. It was shameful to do this.
Nick put the flowers down and looked at me. "What’s wrong? What is it?"
"I’m such a liar," I said leaning on the night stand. "I feel so awful with him, telling him that I miss him. Telling him that I’ll call when I know that I won’t. It’s not fair, Nick. I shouldn’t be doing that to him. He doesn’t deserve it. No one deserves something like that."
He glanced down at the floor for a second then looked up with a frown. "Well, you could be honest with him. I mean, it’s not like you couldn’t just tell him about what happened up here."
"And what? Lose him too? Tell him that I came up here, found you, spent time with you, kissed you, held you and felt happy with you, so he can leave me and you can be gone too?" I shook my head and struggled against the tears that I knew were forming. I was getting overly-frustrated with myself. I was so stupid.
"Elisa, how do you know? How do you have any idea how things are going to work out for us if we try? When were together in El Paso, you had no clue about what was coming. We just--."
"I knew," I told him crossing my arms. "The minute Kevin got into town, I knew. Hell, the minute you got on that stupid karaoke stage, I knew. This is where you belong, Nick. That’s the for-sure part, that’s the non-negotiable."
He blinked at me in confusion and sat down on Josie’s bed. I saw him pull her pajamas out from under him.
"How did you know? I didn’t know, how could you know?"
"I just did," I said. "Just looking at you, seeing your reaction to the things Kevin would say to you. How the two of you would sit around at that piano and write. You know, I’m so happy for you," I said and my heart thudded for being finally honest. "I am so happy to come here and see you with the guys. To see how happy you are. To see how you go out on that stage and love every, single second of it. That makes me happier than anything you can imagine. I know how hard it was for you to get back there. Don’t think I’ve forgotten."
He smiled slightly and looked up at me. "I am happy. My job makes me happy, but that doesn’t mean that it makes me whole. That it’s all I need."
"Honey, this isn’t just your job. It’s your life. I know that. You know that. Everybody knows that."
"It’s not everything," he said looking up at me now with more desperation in his eyes, his voice. "It’s not all I want."
The tears had pushed their way to my eyes, and I brushed them away as quickly as I could. But of course, he saw. When it came to me, he saw everything.
"We need to talk," he said with a sigh. "I don’t think we can do it right now, okay?"
I nodded and sucked in air to contain my emotions. Why did it hurt so much to even look at him? Why did it turn my stomach into impossible knots?
"I know," I said. "I don’t want you to run late getting to DC. We’ll talk later."
"Yeah because if you’re leaving tomorrow, then we have a lot to talk about tonight, okay? So, I’ll plan something. I’ll figure it out," he said looking around the room again. "Everything’s going to be all right. It is," he said with a reassuring nod. "It is."
I pulled myself off the night stand. "Let me just grab my purse, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay."
 

"Josie didn’t want to come today," AJ said with a pout as he sat next to me on a couch in the guys’ dressing room. "She said she was tired."
"I bet," I said. "She actually went to the conference, unlike me. What time did you guys roll in last night?"
"Sunrise," he said. "Hey, I still got up and got in a round of golf with Kevin and Brian. I wasn’t that tired."
I nodded and looked around. Nick had disappeared again to do typical Nick things as Kevin had called them. But being alone with AJ was a world of difference from being alone with Kevin.
"What are you doing for your break?" I asked.
He sighed. "Don’t know. Maybe work on my solo stuff. I’m not about to sit home and do nothing."
"I can give you Josie’s phone number."
He laughed. "I think I’ll pass. That woman parties harder than me."
"It’s an act," I told him. "She does it to seem fun and interesting. In reality, she’s as lonely as the rest of us."
"You’re not lonely," he said. "You have a man."
I shook my head and admitted something to him I had only allowed myself to think. "I’m going to have to break up with him, AJ."
He sat up. "What? Why? Don’t tell me Nicky convinced you to--."
"No," I said immediately. "Nick hasn’t convinced me of anything. But I have spent lots of time with him. We’ve been closer than I think I should be with someone if I’m supposed to have a boyfriend. I’m not going to do that to Daniel. I’m not going to be with him and think about Nick."
"What about just being with Nick?"
I sat up and leaned in closer to him. I knew if anyone was going to be honest with me, it was going to be him.
"AJ, what are the possibilities? I mean, really? If I decide to try to have something with him, with the way that things are now, how can it work? I live in Texas. He lives all over the world. I’m older than him, and no matter what he, or anyone else says, it’s a big deal. I have had very different experiences from him. Learned things that he’s barely going to figure out. So, I need to know, what are the odds that I’m going to end up heartbroken here?"
He didn’t answer, but he sure seemed to think about it.
"A hundred percent, right? Think about, AJ," I said. "Really, truly think about what he’s like and what you know about him. He has all these romantic notions in his brain. Illusions that aren’t real. I don’t know if it’s because he’s seen Kevin and Brian find someone that he thinks it’s going to be the same for us. He acts like it’s easy. It isn’t easy. It’s damn hard. And in this case, I’m the one with everything to lose."
"How’s that? If you both give of yourselves, you’ll lose equally," he said.
I shook my head. "I can’t just give in to what I’m feeling for him. It’s too much, it’s too strong. It’s the one thing I still believed was just pure and good. But in the past. It was a dream that I can just look back on and smile. If we try it again, if we fail, I’ll never try again, AJ. I’ll never have the guts to even consider loving someone else."
"You still love him, don’t you?" he asked softly. "You do."
I pushed my hair back and sucked in air. Of course I still loved him. I would probably always love him, but I didn‘t admit anything to AJ.
"Listen, listen," he said. "You can’t be doing this if you still love him. You can’t play around like it’s nothing when it is. You’re trying not to get hurt by not being honest, and you are going to get hurt. Big time. You’re going to hurt that guy, you’re going to hurt Nick, and you’re going to hurt yourself. Things never work out if you’re not honest. Be honest."
"I’m trying to be," I said. "But it’s hard when he’s so wonderful, when he’s so amazing. To me, the truth is that I’m scared. I’m scared to do the right thing and to do the wrong one."
He just shook his head at me.
"Maybe I’ve gotten more selfish as I’ve gotten older. I don’t know," I said. "But I’m looking out for myself. I can’t spend another month crying for him on the couch. Wasting away because it hurts too much to breathe, much less eat. I can’t keep lying to Daniel about what’s going on up here--."
"And you can’t keep lying to yourself," AJ said. "If you’re going to be selfish, then start by being honest. What do you want? What are you doing here? What decision are you going to make? Whether it’s all about you, or all about Nick, be honest. That’s all I can tell you."
I looked at the floor.
"People have these notions about us," AJ said. "These crazy ideas, like your friend Josie, that we’re driving around the country picking up everything in a skirt. We don’t. I don’t know if it’s because of how our families have been so involved in the business with us, or because we’re all guys who have morals and values, but we just don’t do that. We’re just people. People who don’t like being alone or bouncing from one relationship to the next. I can’t speak for Nick, but I can tell you how I feel. It sucks to be alone. It sucks to sit around and think about how cool the scenery is and have no one to share it with. It sucks to have time off and no one to go on vacation with. It sucks to watch your friends get married and wonder if you’re ever going to do that. It just sucks. For us, being single sucks like it does for everyone else. But it sucks worse when you think you’re in love."
Like Nick thinks he’s in love, I wondered.
He sighed. "The only thing that sucks worse is being lied to, being strung along. I’ve done that to girls. I’ve had it done to me. That’s how I know. All I can tell you is--."
"Be honest," I finished for him. "I know."
He nodded. "Yeah, at least live in peace with yourself, Elisa girl. At least, if you go home, go home thinking that you did the right thing."
I nodded and sat back.
"You know, I worry about leaving you two alone sometimes," Nick said standing over us. "Ever since I introduced you--."
"Shut up," AJ told him. "You just need to shut up. You disappear, leave your girl here. We’re just talking, having a conversation."
Nick smiled, and I pulled him down next to me. "You know, that we--."
"Yeah, yeah," he said. "Soft spot. Whatever. So what? Are you guys planning something? Going somewhere?"
"No way," AJ said. "We’re sitting here waiting for you, Frack. On pins and needles wondering where you are. See? Look at us!"
Nick smiled again and pushed AJ’s head. "Smart ass."
"Dumb ass." AJ reached over me to poke at him, and Nick giggled.
"Guys," I said trying to get out from under them. But they continued to go at each other, pushing, tickling and giggling. "Hey. Stop."
They ignored me, and I got a few playful jabs taken at me.
Nick was laughing, practically in my ear, pulling me closer to him to get away from AJ.
I tried to stop his hands. "Stop it, AJ. C’mon."
"Aw, I got you both," he said. "You both just cower into a corner and--."
"Jay? Nick? Hello? Isn’t it time for the check?"
We all looked up to find Kevin standing in front of us.
"Um, yeah," AJ said. "We were on our way over there, but Elisa attacked us. She held us down, Kev. She wouldn’t let us go."
"Yeah," Nick said pulling himself off the couch. "She made us stay."
Kevin gave me a sympathetic look. "And you’re enjoying this?" He rolled his eyes. "Let’s go, guys."
AJ followed right away, but Nick sat back down. "See how much fun we have?"
"Yeah, lots of fun." I gave him a light push for all his little games, but he grabbed on to me and didn’t let go.
"Um, I have something planned after the show. I probably won’t see you again until then, but I want to go out to dinner. Mike helped me make plans in this little place near the harbor that will still be open," he said. "I’ll be ready really fast, and then we can go. Okay?"
"Sure, honey," I said. "That sounds good."
He smiled and pulled my chin up to kiss me. I kissed him back with my mind set on blank the whole time. AJ’s words pushed way to back of my mind where I couldn’t find them as long as I close to Nick. As long as our lips were connecting, and my heart beat with a loud thud every time I felt his tongue push in and out of my mouth, I didn’t want to think about anything.
"Any day now, Nick!" someone shouted.
He just laughed mid-kiss. "I’d better go. See you later." He stood up.
I waved from the couch, "Bye."
"Bye."
Right after the concert, we all piled on the bus and raced back to the hotel. The guys had flights to catch, and everyone was anxious to get home.
"What are you going to do?" Brian asked from across the aisle.
"Hang out," Nick said. "I’ll probably drive home, though. Mikey is supposed to have rented me a truck already." He shrugged. "You’re ready to get home, huh?"
"I’ve been ready," Brian said. "I’ve been ready since we got on the road. It’s going to be nice to have a break."
Nick held my hand a bit tighter and nodded. "Yeah, it is."
"But call me and let me know where you are, okay Frack?" he said. "Don’t just disappear."
"I will. I promise."
Brian chuckled and was the first one climbing off the bus when we came to stop.
"Bye Nicky," he said pulling him into a huge hug. "Bye Elisa. You guys be careful, okay?"
"We will, Brian. Have a good break," I told him.
He smiled and gave Nick a thumbs up before making his down.
We stopped in the hotel lobby while Nick talked to Mike and got directions to where we were going. I had been keeping my mouth closed the whole time because I was afraid of what I was liable to say. It seemed like my brain, my heart and my mouth were all working against each other. Besides, I knew I was going to have to do a lot of talking in a little while.
"Hey, you two taking off now?" Kevin asked as he hurried out of the elevator with his stuff.
"Just to dinner," Nick explained. "I’ll probably won’t leave until tomorrow."
"Well, I’m leaving now. My flight leaves in about an hour and a half, and I’m ready to be home." He smiled. "You guys take care."
Nick gave him as big a hug as he had given Brian. "You too. Say hi to Kristin for me."
"I will," he said not letting go. "You take care, baby. Okay?"
Nick chuckled. "Okay."
Kevin turned to me, and I smiled.
"Good-bye, Elisa. Don’t forget that we have a talk pending."
I half-laughed. "Yeah we do, huh? Have a good break. See you in Austin."
"That’s right," he said and gave me hug as well. "See you in Austin. You guys have fun."
"Bye," I called as he walked away.
"Bye," he waved.
Nick threw his arm around me. "See? See, how he doesn’t hate you? What talk do you have pending?"
I shook my head. "Something we started talking about relationships earlier. It was nothing."
"Oh, I see," he said with a laugh. "Are you ready to go?"
"Sure. What about AJ and Howie?"
"They’ll be around tomorrow. We’ll catch them then. Besides, knowing them, they’re off to some club. Let’s go."
Mike had rented Nick a big, dark blue Durango. It was like we were back home again driving around in the huge thing. But he didn’t have to drive very far to get to the restaurant in between a bunch of houses.
"Little Italy," he explained as he opened the truck door for me. "I figured we shouldn’t waste too much time driving."
"It’s nice," I said looking around the empty restaurant. Actually, it was deserted. All the tables had the chairs piled on top of them, and all the candles were extinguished.
"Come on," he said pulling my hand and making his way inside the darkened room. He followed a tiny flickering light to a round, candle-lit table. There was already a bottle of wine out. "I think this is it," he said.
I looked around at our shadows on the walls. There was no noise in the whole place. "Are you sure? Where’s everybody?"
He shrugged pulling the chair out for me. "Maybe it’s just us?"
The candles made his eyes glow just like the sun reflected on the waters. He smiled.
Leave it to him to do something like this.
"Good evening," a man said softly. I hadn’t even heard him walk to the table.
"Hi," Nick said and watched him pour the wine. "Thank you."
"You’re welcome. Everything will be right out."
"Thanks," I said. "Everything?"
Nick shrugged. "I let Mike plan all of this." He laughed. "We can both get surprised. Do you like it?"
"It’s great, it’s just so quiet."
"That’s okay. We have a lot to talk about. But before we do that, I wanted to show you something," he said reaching for his jacket to take out a small package.
Pictures.
They were the pictures Laura had taken of us when we had gone to the mall that first time. I had let him have them thinking I’d never see them or him again. When he lived in town, he had a few of them up on his wall.
"Wow, look at these," I said glancing over at how silly we looked. He looked so young. "You were a baby," I said. "Look at you. All that hair."
He smiled. "I keep them with me all the time. For two reasons," he said when he saw me look up at him. "I like to remember you. You’re so beautiful. But I like to remember how I felt back then. The sadness, the desperation. I appreciate what I have so much more now."
I nodded flipping over to pictures of us kissing at an amusement park. Others of us sitting around looking forlorn at the mall. "We were something else. We were so lost."
He nodded. "You’ve graduated since then. You have your job. We were together for a year. I’m back with the guys, and now we’re together again."
I looked up at him again. "So few sentences. So many things."
The man came back and placed salads and bread in front of us. I pushed my plate slightly away to keep looking at the pictures.
"You need to eat," I told him. "Don’t think I haven’t noticed that you don’t exactly take care of yourself."
He tired to suppress a laugh while he chewed.
There was another picture in the stack. We had gone to South Padre Island when were together. He had a picture of us looking very tan and very happy. We were on the beach, and he was standing behind me with his arms around my waist.
It was my turn to laugh as I remembered how that was the first night we slept together.
"What?" he asked taking it from me to look at it. "Oh. South Padre."
I laughed. "Yeah. South Padre."
"We did a lot of cool stuff," he said giving it back. "We had some really good times. Huh?"
I put the pictures away and put my plate back in front of me. "We had some awesome times, Nick. I’ve never had more fun with anyone else, ever."
"Me either," he said. "Not ever again."
I looked up at him. "You’re all of twenty-one. God knows you have a million more chances to have so much more."
He looked up like he hadn’t like what I said. I saw him sit up and clear his throat. "I want more. I want a million things more. A million times over. But I want them with you."
I knew we were going to get to this. I knew it, and I still had no idea what to say.
"Now, I know you’re going to say that you can’t. That I can’t. That there are so many things getting in our way. My job, your job, our ages, Daniel," he shook his head. "But tell me something. Tell me that you are one hundred percent sure that this is not going to work out. That there is no way in the world that you and me could be together. Tell me you’re sure."
"I’m not sure--," I began but he stopped me.
"Okay. Now tell me another thing. Tell me that you don’t want to try. Tell me honestly, that these last two days together haven’t given you doubts about Daniel. Tell me that you can’t even think about being with me. Tell me that."
I shook my head. "I can’t, Nick. I can’t honestly tell you any of that."
He sat forward and took my hand. "Okay. See? Now, was that so hard? Was it so hard to be honest?"
But there went my heart, my brain and my mouth working against each other.
"I know what I feel, Nick," I said. "But what I don’t know is what to do. What the right thing is for the both of us."
"Okay, what do you feel?" he asked. "Let’s start from there. Because I can tell you what I feel. I feel the need to be with you all the time again. I want to tell you everything that happens every day. I want to show you everywhere in the world that I have been, so you can see how beautiful it is. I want to sit with you and talk about things that are important. I want to be with you again. I know that. I know."
My heart thudded as I prepared to be honest. "I feel exactly the same way, Nick. I feel like being with you all the time. I miss you. I miss you every, single day believe it or not. I’m not a fan because of your great music. I’m a fan because it gives me that little bit of chance to hear your voice again. To remember what it was like to be close to you. But--."
He shook his head. "No buts. Nothing good ever came out of a but."
He made me laugh, and I had to regain my focus.
"But," I repeated. "But things are difficult for us. Don’t you see? Don’t you see that I..," I swallowed hard. "Don’t you see that I can’t do this again. I can’t love you and lose you again."
"That’s not going to happen," he said shaking his head. "Too many things were going on back then. It’s not the same now."
"Yes, it is. It’s the same."
"No," he said seriously. "Elisa, it’s not. Back then I was lost. I didn’t know what I wanted. I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be here. But I thought I couldn’t have one without giving up the other."
I shook my head. "I don’t think you can."
He looked up, eyes wide. "What?"
"Well truly, how can you? If you’re honest with me, with yourself, how can it be? How can it work out? Do you even know?" I asked. "Do you have any idea?"
He looked around the table like the answer might be there. "We would work. We would try. I mean, there are phones, email. I get breaks. You get vacations. It’s not as impossible as you think. It’s not something the other guys haven’t done. Something we couldn’t do."
"And if it doesn’t work out?"
"Why do you always have to think the worst? Why can’t you just--."
"Because I already have believed in love. I already thought it was true, that it could happen to me and--."
He cut me off. "But you didn’t believe it with me. Things are different with me."
I shook my head. "You left. You left too. How was that different from anyone else?"
He looked around, a little lost. He even let go my hand and pushed his hands through his hair. He seemed to catch his breath.
I felt so evil.
But it was familiar. I was shutting down. I was protecting myself.
"Okay," he sighed. "Fine. It’s too soon. It’s too quick to be talking about all of this. Why don’t you just stay here with me? Why don’t we drive down to Florida, or I’ll take you back to Texas. Or we can just hang around here, till the end of spring break. Just relax?"
It was already too late for anything less in my mind. The doors had shut, and the walls seemed to surround me again. It was almost automatic.
"No?" he asked in disbelief. "Are you going to tell me no?"
"I have to go home," I said. "My flight leaves tomorrow."
"It’s just a couple of days, Elisa. I’m not saying our whole lives. Why are you so negative about this whole thing? It’s like starting all over again with you. Only it’s worse this time. This time, it’s like you’re haunted. Like something you can’t even see holds you back."
I bit my lip. "I’m sorry to be doing this to you. You’re the last person in the world who deserves this. I’m sorry."
He looked at the table. "Well, not as sorry as me," he said softly.
My breath escaped me and I knew I had done the one thing I hated doing. But it was the one thing I was always doing: hurting him. He didn’t deserve to be hurt like that, much less by someone like me.
"I’d better go," I told him.
He half-laughed. "Well, this is familiar."
I stopped. "Nick, I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I’m being honest with you, and with myself. It’s all I can do."
"Honesty and fear are two totally different things," he said. "Even I know that."
"I’m glad," I said taking my jacket and purse again.
It only a few seconds for me to figure out where I was. My hotel wasn’t that far from the restaurant, and I could walk. Besides, the walk would do me some good. It might help me understand why I only got dumber as I got older. Because I should have stayed far away from him since I saw him. I should have known better than to even try.
The anger at myself made me hurry and make up to the room in no time.
"Hey," Josie greeted from her bed. She was watching TV. "Where have you been? With Nick?"
I nodded, dumped my stuff on the floor and started picking up the clothes I’d left on the bed earlier.
"You guys have a good time?" she didn’t wait for an answer. "I’m just so tired from the other night. I came straight to bed. The conference sucked. You didn’t miss anything by not going. I did meet this one guy, though. He was from Michigan. I think he’s actually going to call me."
I pushed everything I could inside my bag and got to searching for my shoes. They were somewhere. I didn’t lose them.
"Hey, I set the alarm clock early so we can do that," Josie said. "I haven’t packed a thing. Let’s do it in the morning. Did you see AJ today?"
I shook my head as I looked around for anything else that I might have forgotten. Just then, I saw the flowers right where he had left them.
"Are you all right?" she asked sitting up. "Did something happen? What’s wrong?"
The tears wouldn’t stop this time. They gushed right from my the bottom stomach all the way out without hesitation. Without even knowing how, I was sitting on my bed crying like there was tomorrow. Like even if there was, it was going to be full of sadness, loneliness and regret.
"Ellie? Ellie what is it? What happened?"
The truth is that I didn’t even know.
It took a long time for me to get the whole story out. Josie had this confused look on her face that reminded me of the way I always left Nick behind. I seemed to be the only one who understood what was going on right in front of me.
"Okay. Okay," she said. "So, you left him. He wanted you to spend the rest of spring break with him, and you just left?"
I nodded.
She sucked in air and looked at me. "Hey, it’s all right. Um, he’s a good guy, right? Right?"
"He’s a great guy," I said.
She was nodding. And she kept nodding like the more she nodded, the more she would understand. "Then, I don’t get it, Elisa," she finally admitted. "What on Earth is going on? What is with him? What is it with you? Are you blind? Are you that numb? What?"
I wiped my eyes and looked at her. "Numb?"
"It’s what you are, don’t think I haven’t noticed. Even when you’re with Daniel, when you talk about him, it’s not like you really feel anything for him. Sometimes," she hesitated, then started again. "Sometimes, I think you’re just so afraid, that you’re with him because that way you don’t have to deal with anyone else. You know that you don’t love him. That you still hold all those things from the past against him, and you can’t let them go. That way, when it’s over, there’s no pain. So, it’s easier to be with him than to keep looking, than to try."
I shook my head. "No. No, I care about him. Honest. I feel so guilty for doing all of this to him."
"To him? You’re doing something to Daniel? He’s clueless, girl. Bet you plan to go home and pretend like nothing. Like Nick was never even here."
I looked up at her. She was right.
She shook her head at me again. "Ellie! C’mon! Stop hiding your head in the sand like that. Love is going to hurt. Being with someone who is worthwhile is the most wonderful thing in the whole world, but it’s not easy. What you’re doing with Daniel is living in some sort of suspended animation where you don’t have to feel. You just go through the motions with him because it’s safe. It’s not honest. Nick’s the only person who’s ever even tried to keep you honest."
"But how can it be? How can anything be real when he’s--."
"He’s in love with you," she said and pushed my hair back for me. "He doesn’t care about who he is, about who you are, about how difficult things are going to be--."
"That’s it, Josie. That’s precisely it. He doesn’t care about how hard it’s going to be."
"Because he’s willing to try," she said. "That’s why he doesn’t care. He’s willing to stick out whatever problems, difficulties, obstacles, doubts, insecurities, and let me tell you, you have many, my friend, just to be with you. Oh my God, Elisa. Do you even understand that? Do get it? Wake up. Wake up, and smell the Nick."
I don’t even know how, but I was able to laugh.
"You’re so lucky," she said. "You’re so lucky to have someone like him, someone honest. Guys aren’t willing to try that hard anymore, you know? To stick it out and run after you like it matters. And all you ever do is run out on him." She shook her head. "I thought you were supposed to be smart."
"I thought I was being smart by staying away, by not getting hurt."
She threw her arm around me. "You’re hurting either way, aren’t you? You’re here crying because you left him behind. You’re back home with someone that you don’t love. Either way, it’s got hurt attached to it. His way, has some real love attached."
I rubbed my face and shook my head feeling totally lost. How could I be so lost that was the one who didn’t understand what was going on?
"Josie, I screwed up. I screwed up again."
She shook her head. "It’s still early. Where do you think he is? His room? Call him?"
"I," I began and fought against that little voice that always held me back. "Yeah, okay."
She put the phone in front of me and disappeared into the bathroom.
The phone rang forever. I sat there and listened to the silence I deserved. I had turned my back on him so many times that I deserved to be ignored.
"No answer?" Josie asked toothbrush in her mouth.
I shook my head. "That was his cell, so I guess he’s just not picking up. I’m gonna go."
"Go where?"
"To find him," I said grabbing my jacket quickly so that I wouldn’t change my mind. "If I don’t do this now, I never will."
She smiled. "Good luck, Ellie. No matter what, just be honest. Tell him the truth."
"Thanks," I said giving her a quick hug.
"Bye," she called.
It was really late. We had gotten back from the concert past midnight. By the time we got directions and made it to the restaurant, it was almost one. It was creeping on three in the morning when I got to their hotel. The lobby was empty, and I was heading for the elevator when I caught sight of AJ coming in.
"Hey," I called. "You barely getting in?"
He looked at me, something different in his eyes. "No, we actually got here pretty early today. Howie and me have an early flight back to Florida. What are you doing here?"
"I’m looking for Nick," I said. "I wanted to talk to him about--."
"Nick’s gone."
"What? Already? I didn’t think he’d leave ‘till the morning. Didn’t he say that he was going to drive? He just took off in the middle of the night like that?"
"Well, he couldn’t just stay here, right?" And he gave me this look that held all the contempt in the world. I knew then that they had talked.
I took a step back away from him. "Um, well, I called his cell and--."
He took a phone out of his pocket and tried to hand it to me. "This one? You want it? You can have it. He chucked it out the window when it started ringing."
"AJ I--."
"You lied," he said. "You flat out lied to him. I can’t believe that I was the idiot telling him to give you time, to try to understand where you coming from, to put everything on the line like that. I can’t believe that I was the fool who believed that he knew what he doing, that he was right to believe in you."
"Look, I’ve been confused--," I tried again.
"Yeah well, join the club. Everyone is confused. No one is ever sure when it comes to falling in love. It’s just something that you go with. Something you believe. But you know what really sucks about all of this?"
I didn’t answer. He was going to tell me anyway.
"That for two days you were here like nothing. You came to the shows. You slept in his room. You sat there, smiled, talked to him, talked to us, made everything seem okay. Made it all look like he had everything to win this time. Just like that."
"It wasn’t like that, AJ. I was thinking things through."
"What was there to think through?" he asked his voice rising. "I asked you for one thing. One. Be honest. What’s so hard about being honest? If you weren’t ready, you should have just walked away that first night."
"I couldn’t," I said. "I didn’t know what I wanted."
"What you wanted?" he rolled his eyes. "But you knew what he wanted. You saw him. You can’t stand here, all wide-eyed acting like you didn’t. You saw where the whole thing was headed in his mind. And you let him. You let him believe all the crap he was setting himself up for. I can’t believe you. I can’t believe myself. I trusted you. I fought for you. I stuck up for you. Even when Kevin had him going about not even trying, I got in there and gave my fucking two bits."
Each word hurt more than anything he could have imagined.
"And you go and do this." He shook his head. "It teaches me to keep my mouth shut."
My stomach sank, and I closed my eyes. Every single thing that he said was true. I had known. I should have stopped him before he got carried away.
"I’m sorry, AJ. I didn’t mean to...," mean to what? I wasn’t even sure.
He sighed and started for the elevator. "Why are you apologizing to me? Go home and apologize to yourself for being a fool, okay? That’s where you heading again anyway, right? Back home? Just run right back home. Bye."
I wanted to choke. I wanted just to disappear from the face of the Earth. Crying wasn’t even going to help anymore because somewhere between Josie’s and AJ’s words was the whole truth. It was truth that escaped me still.

When Daniel picked me up at the airport, I told him that I had caught a cold in Baltimore, and that’s why I looked so awful. (My eyes were swollen beyond belief, and I hadn’t had the smallest desire to even put on make up.) That’s why I didn’t want to go out to dinner. That’s why I didn’t want to talk.
"Want me to stay with you?" he asked as he walked me to my door.
"No. I’m fine."
"Are you sure? I can stay. Or you can come back to my place."
"I’m fine," I repeated. "I just need to get some rest, some sleep. Okay? We still have the rest of the week."
He nodded. "Yeah, but if you’re sure. I’m glad you’re back, though."
"I’m glad to be back."
Lying was getting so easy.
"I’d kiss you," he said. "But I don’t want to get sick."
"It’s fine," I said. "Bye."
I think he expected me to take it as a joke because he stopped me from going inside. "I was kidding, Ellie. I mean, I’ve been waiting to kiss you for so long, and--."
I pushed his hands off. "You’re right about the cold. Bye."
He looked at me surprised. Then he just nodded. "Okay. Bye."
The first thing I did was turn on the television and leave it on MTV. All the way home I had been worried that something might have happened to Nick because he had taken off when he was tired and upset. So I sat there in front of the stupid television for hours. It was like that Christmas all over again, only Laura wasn’t even around to check on me. She had moved in with her fiancé about a month after they got engaged. It was just as well. I needed to be alone for awhile even if it was just understand just what a big fool I was.
Because AJ was right. I was the biggest fool in the entire universe.
Somehow sitting, or lying, around crying for hours just didn’t seem to cut it this time around. I wasn’t the "wide-eyed" victim of circumstance that I had been in the past. I had learned that I was a liar living in a fantasy world. I had created this hell, so I was just going to have to live in it. Because hell is about guilt, and God knew that I had plenty of it. I felt guilty for leaving Nick behind, for lying to Daniel, to myself and for not even going to damn conference.
And I still had six days of spring break to revel in my stupidity.
Early that first evening the phone rang. I told myself that it was Daniel. It had to be. But my heart thudded at the mere thought that Nick could call.
"Hello?"
"It’s me," Josie said. "Are you okay?"
I sighed, disappointed, but it made sense. What business did he having calling, right?
"I’m fine," I said wiping my face. "I’m here."
"Have you eaten?"
"Yeah," I lied.
"Um-huh. Have you heard from him at all?"
"No. He’s not going to call, Jo. What for?"
"I don’t know. Listen, you want to do something? Go somewhere?"
"I’m fine," I said again. "Besides, I still need to talk to Daniel."
"You haven’t told him?"
"No."
"Are you going to?"
It was an incredibly good question. "I don’t know. I don’t know anything right now except I feel so guilty for not going to that conference. What am I going to say if they ask me anything at school?"
"I’ll cover for you," she said. "Don’t worry."
"But still. I feel so guilty. They spent so much money sending us over there, and all I did was," I stopped because I was trying to pretend I was okay. "All I did was screw up."
I heard her sigh. "It’s okay. Listen, cut yourself a break and stop feeling guilty. There will be other conferences. There are conferences all the time. Maybe we can go to one this summer."
"Yeah," I said just as a thought struck me. "Maybe. I’d better go. I’m gonna--."
"You’re gonna sit there and keep wasting away feeling guilty," she said. "I know the routine. I invented the routine."
"I have to go, really. I’m fine. I am."
"Okay," she sighed. "I tried. Please call me, okay?"
"Yeah," I lied. "Okay."
I hurried to get off the phone with her because I knew that I could help myself one way. I got on my computer, found a different education conference in Austin and booked myself a flight and a room.
In less than twenty-four hours and without a call to anyone who cared, I was gone.
 

I extended the mid-week, three day conference into a visit with my sister. She seemed surprised to see me, though she didn’t ask any questions. She had three kids under five, and I think she was happy to have me around to help.
I didn’t return home until very late Sunday night, and it was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to go straight from Austin to work. No time to think, dwell or even wonder what was going on anymore. And I would have done that except that on my way from the front door to my room, I saw a blinking red light. The answering machine.
It was really strange because no one ever called me, much less left messages, but I imagined that it was Daniel.
I sat on the coffee table and pressed the button.
"You have five messages," the electronic voice said.
Five?
"Hello? Elisa, it’s Daniel. I’m sorry about my little joke earlier. Please don’t be mad. Are you feeling better? Want to get together tonight? Call me."
"Hey. It’s me," Josie said. "You said you’d call me. Hello? Where are you? Call."
"Ellie, it’s Daniel. Okay, you haven’t called me. You’re not still mad, are you? Spring break is passing us right up. Give me a call."
"Elisa," Daniel began on the next message with a sigh. "Where are you? I’ve been calling, dropping by. What’s going on? Are you all right? I even called Josie, and she doesn’t know where you are. We need to talk, right? Please, please call."
I sighed and assumed the next message would be from him. I was about to click it off when I heard a familiar drawl.
"Elisa, this is Kevin. Kevin Richardson. I’m just calling to...," he sighed. "Truth is that I’m not sure why I’m calling. But listen, it’s Saturday night, and I’d like to talk to you. Call me when you get a chance," he recited his phone number. "I’ll be here. Bye."
My heart sank and thudded at the same time. It seemed to land in my stomach which immediately began to flutter. I actually felt sick. I knew that nothing had happened to Nick because I had monitored the news just to make sure. It was way too late for me to call because I knew that he lived in the East and no matter what, it was a two hour difference from El Paso.
I replayed the message to write down the phone number and didn’t sleep a wink the entire night.
 

Things are different for me when I’m at school. I have to put away all the bad things, and do my job. I can’t allow my students to even begin to imagine that there’s something wrong. They had no business knowing what a loser I was. So, I turned into a really good pretender. I guess to do this, you had to already be a good liar, like me. But it’s also a good thing because it usually enabled me stop thinking. But since hearing Kevin’s message, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking. What did he want? What was he going to say to me? It had to be about Nick, but what about Nick? No amount of pretending helped.
When I got home, I parked my car in the driveway and started up the walk to find someone sitting on my porch.
"Hey."
I swallowed hard. Kevin.
"Hi Kevin. I--," I began with no clue what else to say.
"I’m sorry. Big surprise, huh? I don’t mean to freak you out. I’m sorry." He stood up slowly almost as if to show me that he wasn’t going to hurt me.
"It’s fine," I said. "How are you?"
"Fine. Great," he said. "Let me help you with all of that."
I was carrying my school bag and the gym bag, which never got to the gym, but that I finally decided to drag off the car. "It’s fine."
He had already taken everything away from me.
"Thanks," I said. "Come in."
"Nice house," he said looking around. "I had forgotten. The funny thing is that I even remembered how to get here, you know? I didn’t think I would. I could probably find Frack’s old house pretty easily. I stayed there for so long. It took a little work to find yours."
I’d never heard him say so much in one mouthful except for the time he told me off.
"My parents left it for us. For me," I corrected. "Laura’s getting married, and she doesn’t live here anymore. Just dump that on the floor. Do you want something? Water? A soda?"
"I’m fine," he said he said setting my stuff down. "Thank you. I didn’t mean just to show up here after your work. You’re probably tired and all but..." He trailed off and actually gave me an embarrassed look. "I believe we have talk pending."
I forced a small laugh as I struggled to feel at ease. "Yeah, we do. Sit down."
I followed him around the couch and sat down next to him leaving a good amount of space between us. I don’t know why he still made me so nervous, why he intimidated me so much. I think being so tired actually made me feel more vulnerable, more lost.
He pressed a small smile. "How are you? Are you doing all right?"
I bit my lip and shrugged. "I’m here, Kevin. I mean, I guess I’m okay. I’m alive, right?  Is Nick okay?"
"He’s fine," he said right away. "He’s home now, I guess. That’s where he told me he was going. He called me when he got there, but I don’t know how long he was planning to stay."
"He told you what happened?"
He raised his serious eyes at me. "He drove straight to my house that day. I guess he must have taken off, what? Two, two-thirty in the morning?"
I nodded.
"He showed up on my doorstep pretty late."
I continued to nod because, though he was being so easy, I didn’t know how much information he was willing to give. He seemed to try to smile. It was almost like he felt sorry for me.
"I heard Bone really let you have it," he said.
"You did? AJ told you?"
He chuckled. "Those guys tell me everything. No matter what, how much older we get, no matter what happens, they just tell me." He nodded. "Jay called me pretty much the next day and told me the whole thing. I think he was mostly checking to make sure Nick was okay. He knew Frack would end up at my house. He always does. And since he dumped his phone and all, Bone couldn’t just call him."
I nodded. "AJ told me he did that. He was so mad."
"I’m sorry about how Jay acted with you. I don’t think he meant anything that he said. He was just--."
"Protecting Nick? I know. He’s lucky to have you guys."
"He was venting too, though. That’s why he said all that he did. He was really mad at you, you know?"
"I know," I said. "But he pretty much told me how it was. I don’t think he said anything that I didn’t deserve. Anything that wasn’t true. I am a fool, Kevin. I found that out last week. A fool and a liar." I shrugged. "Isn’t it strange how you think you’re living your life the right way, and it takes two people, who seem like strangers, to call you on everything you’re doing wrong? That’s what he did. That’s what Josie did. All I know is that they were right. I’ve been the biggest fool ever."
"Well, AJ got mad because he got involved. That’s not really his thing. That’s more my thing."
"I think I let him down as much as Nick. I was just batting a thousand over there, huh? I just should have stayed home."
He shifted to face me and shook his head. "No. Now listen, I’m here for a lot of reasons. But know right now that I’m not here to tell you off or give you a hard time. I know that we haven’t had the best relationship in the past. I know that I’ve been hard on you. But that’s because of Nick. I was being protective, like Jay was, you know?"
"I remember," I said. "I don’t think I could forget."
"I’m sorry," he said. "I don’t know what happens to me with the guys. I think it’s because I was the youngest in my family, that I take my role being the oldest seriously with them. I was way worse when they were younger. But I haven’t changed that much either, especially with Frack."
"I understand that," I said. "You have to know that I never wanted to hurt him. Not last week, not last year, not ever. I know what it’s like to see him upset, to worry about him. Sometimes, he believes too much in people. Gives too easily, like he did with me."
I heard him sigh again. "But don’t you see that’s what makes him who he is?" He looked around and finally back at me. "I don’t know about you, but I never want that to change. I wish I still had that level of trust in me, you know? I don’t trust anybody that I haven’t checked out completely. And that’s from bad experiences.  Frack’s the opposite. The more he’s disappointed, the more he trusts. It’s like he’s looking for something, you know?" He shook his head and clasped his hands in front of himself. "But that’s not why I came either."
"Then why?"
"I came to make sure that you were okay. Nick was kind of worried when you left. He knew from AJ that you had made it okay to the hotel, but he didn’t know if you had made it home. I promised that I’d find out."
I don’t know why those words made my heart flutter just a little.
"I called Saturday, and you weren’t here," he shrugged. "I didn’t receive a call on Sunday, so I worried a little."
"So you drove all the way out here? I didn’t call because I just got back in town last night. I tried calling your place today, but I got no answer. Kristin wasn’t even there."
"She’s working," he said simply. "I promised Frack that I would make sure everything was all right, so I did. But I also wanted to finish that talk we started in DC. Remember how we were talking about how it takes a lot of love to be in a relationship?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I remember. You thought about quitting because you never got to see Kristin, yet neither of you is willing to give up your careers?"
He nodded. "And remember how I told you that I expected her to be home when I got there? Well, she’s wasn’t. She’s working. She’s touring, and the last thing I want to do on break from our tour, is tour. Even with her." He shrugged. "She understands."
"When does she finish?"
"The week after we start up again."
I shook my head.
"We never see each other, I know. I know that’s what it looks like, but it’s not like that all the time." He sighed. "I keep getting off the subject here with you. I came to talk about Nick, not about me."
"Talking about you is talking about Nick," I said. "Don’t you see that you prove me right? That all my fears would have come true if I had stayed. If I had let him keep believing that we had something, then I would have ended up walking away when it was worse? When we were both so far gone that it would take forever for either of us to heal?"
He bit his lip. "Let me tell you that it hasn’t been so easy this time."
It was my turn to be sorry. I could just imagine what it was like for Kevin to deal with Nick upset.
"I see now that there’s something between you guys. I saw it in Baltimore," he continued. "You weren’t acting like girl who was interested in money, fun, living in the moment or anything like that. You were acting like someone who was interested in him. Someone who loves him. And someone who was confused by it.  I saw it in him when he showed up a mess on my doorstep." He gave me a look. "Don’t think that I didn’t curse you then. But here I see you’re not doing that much better."
I looked up.
"Have you seen yourself?" He sat up. "You have these dark circles under your eyes, and you’re face looks different from just last week. Have you eaten? Have you even slept?"
I looked around to get out of his gaze. It was hard enough to have him scrutinize me. For him to do it with concern was too much.
"I thought you guys were really going to make it this time. I thought you were going to make it work, even if just for a little while. I’m really sorry to find out that it hasn’t. Listen, I know that it’s hard. That you see what we do, and it looks a mess. The tours, the schedules, the interviews just seem like too much. But you know, sometimes, those things become teeny tiny. When you’re in love, they almost disappear."
I tried to smile, but the tears were making their way back. He never should have told me about Nick going to see him. That he was doing as badly as I was. I sighed and swallowed back as hard as I could.
"That’s how it’s been with us, with me and Kristin. Do you know how long I’ve known her?"
I shook my head.
He laughed softly. "My God, it’s been years. Like since before anything came together with the guys. We were together for awhile, and everything was perfect. I even considered forgetting about the business and doing something normal. Maybe being a teacher or a coach. I could see myself married to her, with a house, with three kids, and then here come the guys. My life changed. It was completely different. The whole world opened up to me, and I had a chance to try everything. I dated girls from all over the world, sometimes at the same time," he chuckled.
I closed my eyes and sank deeper into my couch as his story poured out.
"But every time I came home, every time I saw Kristin, this little part of me would just want to give it all away. It would just tell me to quit and go back to this girl. So we’d get back together and try to make it work, but someone would always mess up. She’d get tired of my schedule. I’d get tired of hers. She’d meet someone else. I’d meet someone else. It was just touch and go for years. We were like some bad romantic comedy always together at the wrong time."
I glanced at him, and he seemed lost in his thoughts. "So what happened?"
"We just kept working," he said slowly like it was a holy revelation. "That’s all. We kept getting together and going apart until we were together at the right time. We worked, Elisa. We’re still working now."
I sighed. "Yeah, that’s a great story. I’m glad that things have worked out for you. But look, I’ve ruined everything now, haven’t I? I mean, doesn’t he hate me after what I did?"
"This is Nick we’re talking about," he said. "Think about it."
I sat up. He half smiled at me then looked down at the couch pattern.
"Kevin," I began and felt my voice start to shake. "Kevin, I do love him. I love him so much, but--."
"Nothing good ever came out of a but," he chuckled. "That’s a Nick joke. I know you love him. I know you do. And you’re afraid, and you have doubts. But what’s bigger? The doubts or the love? More importantly, you went back, didn’t you? You went to find him?"
I nodded as the first tear slid out, so I pushed it away. "I finally started thinking straight, I guess. I had tried calling, but he didn’t exactly want to hear from me."
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. He doesn’t always think so straight either. Things have been hard on both you. He tells me you have boyfriend?"
"Daniel? God, I haven’t even seen him since I got back from Baltimore. When I got back, I went straight to Austin. I didn’t want to be here just thinking about everything I had done wrong. I know Daniel knows that something’s wrong. He’s been calling, and I haven’t taken the time to explain."
He gave me that familiar, dissecting look. "But this guy? Does he matter? Is he a--."
"He’s a mistake," I said. "I’ve strung him along because of all my insecurities. It’s a long story. Nick knows all about it. I’m just with him out of fear of being alone, fear of trying with someone else, plain stupidity. Pick one," I told him wiping away the next few tears. "They all make sense."
"God, you guys are so lost," he said softly. "It’s like you want the same thing, but he hurries like a train and you flit around like a humming bird. Zoom, really fast." He laughed.
I tried to laugh too, but the tears had started to come, and I hadn’t really cried since that night, so it was hard to stop.
He sighed. "Don’t cry anymore, okay? I think you get why I came, right? What I came to tell you?"
I nodded. "That he loves me? That he still does?"
He finally smiled big. "Yeah, girl. He loves you. He still does."
"Oh God," I finally sobbed and let the tears come. It was too good to be true. They were like a flood of relief, happiness and sadness all at once. I held my face in my hands and cried for what seemed forever.
For the first time, Kevin hesitated. "Hey, it’s okay," he said. "It’s fine. It’s fine."
I fought to regain my composure and catch my breath. "I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t--."
"It’s fine," he said again and barely touched my back. "Don’t say sorry. I’m just glad that you love him too. I mean, it’s a start, right?"
I nodded and sucked in air one last time to be able to talk. "Yeah. I think it could be a great start."
He repeated the big smile. "Good. That’s great. Catch your breath, okay?"
I nodded rubbing my eyes to stop the tears, but he pulled my hand away.
"Just like Frack. You shouldn’t do that. Don’t rub your eyes so hard," he said with a chuckle. "It’s bad for you."
I nodded and finally half-smiled.
"I’m hungry," he said. "Is there someplace you’d recommend? Some place close by? I drove all day, and--."
"I’ll take you," I said and cleared my throat. "It’s the least that I can do."
"Okay. I’ll let you take me under the condition that you eat too, okay? I’m not going to go back just to tell Nick you’ve made yourself sick."
"No, I’m fine," I said. "Let me just wash up, and we’ll go."
He nodded. "Okay."
 

I took him to a traditional, Mexican food restaurant on the other side of town. And though the conversation had changed what I thought about him forever, I was very aware that I still didn’t really know him. The only thing I did know was that he would do anything for Nick. Him driving all the way to my house proved it.
"I like driving," he said. "I never get to do it. And since Kristin’s not home, then I had no reason to stay home. I would usually go home to Kentucky to spend time with my family. Late last year, she was gone, and I went to Tampa with Frack," he laughed. "And we had a really good time."
"What did you guys do?"
"Everything. He has this awesome house right on the beach. It’s huge, and it has everything. Well, you’ll see it. But we partied a lot. I was already married, just a few months." He shook his head. "We still managed to have a good time. We even went to a football game."
Somehow, I think that was the only thing he was willing to be specific about.
"What are you going to tell him?" I asked. "I mean, about coming here?"
The beers we had ordered arrive.
"I’m not supposed to be here," he said with an unfamiliar sheepish look on his face. "I promised to make sure that you were okay. I never mentioned anything about coming over here. I was just sticking my nose into his business, as usual."
His admitting to being nosy made me laugh.
"What?" he asked with a smile. "I know I get involved when I shouldn’t. I do that to everyone, but I’m especially bad with him. But you know that, right?"
"Nick never complained about you to me," I said finding myself suddenly in the protective role.
"Yeah, right. He hates that I do stuff like this," he shrugged. "I don’t care. I don’t get involved in everything anymore, but I wasn’t going to just sit by while he’s miserable, you’re miserable and for what? I have started to trust him and his choices though, you know? If I didn’t I wouldn’t be here."
"You would have just let us be miserable?"
"No. I would have believed that he was better off. I would have worked to make him believe that he was too," he said seriously. "I would have believed that he just would have gotten over it. But here it’s been a year, and he hasn’t gotten over it."
I shook my head. "I’ll never get over it, Kevin. I’ll never get over him. I mean, I’ve gone on. I started dating Daniel, but it hasn’t been the same. Not with the same level of trust, or with the same level of abandon. With Daniel, I’ve just gone through the motions." Just like Josie said. "I just thought Nick was a fluke in my life. A glimpse at the real thing that got taken away."
He smiled. "That’s how real love is. That’s exactly how I feel about Kristin. She’s the real thing, but I didn’t let her get away."
We sat in silence for awhile. I wondered if he was missing her by then. No doubt that this was a different Kevin in front of me. Hell, it was whole different world.
"I was going to call you again today. Like I said, I was just in Austin," I said. "I just was at work."
He shrugged. "It’s a nice drive. I don’t get to spend lots of time in the desert. I didn’t mind, if that’s what you’re thinking."
I don’t know if it was the fact that I knew that things were okay with Nick, or that we had eaten some chips and salsa while we waited for our food, or maybe that the beer was hitting me, but I was feeling better.
"I was thinking that you were here to tell me off," I said honestly. "After the whole AJ thing--."
He rolled his eyes. "Will you let that go?"
"Yeah, but he’s still mad, huh?"
"He doesn’t know how things are turning out. He went off to do his Johnny stuff. Bone can’t sit still for two minutes. Hey, speaking of turning out, I haven’t called Frack."
"You’re going to call him now?" I asked surprised because it made me imagine him even closer.
He pulled out his cell. "I was supposed to call since I heard from you. It’s still early over there, right?"
I checked my watch as he dialed. It was seven my time, so it was nine in Tampa. "Early enough," I said.
"Shh," he said putting up his finger. "Hang on."
Like a silly girl, my heart beat just a bit faster knowing that he was calling him. I tried not to laugh.
"Hey... Hey man... Yeah, I’m fine," he smiled at me. "Yeah, she’s fine. I called... Um-huh...Yeah... I don’t know, Frack... I don’t know...I don’t know that either... Look, you told me just to make sure she’d gotten home okay, that’s what I did... Um-huh...," he widened his eyes at me and shrugged. "She sounded tired, I guess... I don’t know... Okay... Yeah, I don’t know when Kristin will be back, so I might just take you up on that... Sounds good... Okay... Call me if you need anything... Okay."
I sipped my beer while he said good-bye.
"Well, he’s doing good," he said putting the phone away. "He wanted to know if I’d go down to Tampa now. I guess he gets tired of being alone."
I smiled.
"Wanted to know if you were still going to the Austin show."
"Like I could wait that long to see him," I said with a laugh.
"So what are you going to do?"
"Lots of stuff, Kevin. I have to straighten out a few things before I go looking for him."
"Like what?"
"Like break up with Daniel, like ask for a personal so I can get out to Tampa, like tell you thanks a million times, maybe apologize to AJ."
He was laughing. "Well, those first few things sound really good. But you don’t have to thank me, and I doubt Jay needs an apology. He wants what I want. Just be good to him," he smiled. "Or else."
"I’ll take that really seriously," I said as our food arrived. "I never want to be on your bad side again."
He laughed.
We were at the restaurant for awhile talking and laughing. It was funny to see how different we were. He and I were closer in age than I was to Nick. But Kevin was a world apart from either of us. I don’t think I knew anyone who seemed to carry so much responsibility on his shoulders. For so long, I had solely felt responsible for myself. He never once mentioned feeling responsible for the guys, but I could tell that he was, even now that he was married.
"Kristin’s cool," he said as we walked to my door. "She loves the guys as much as me. I think that’s the one thing that makes everything so much easier for me than it is for Brian."
"Why?"
"Leighanne’s not always too enthusiastic about the guys. Well, she likes them fine. But say, if Brian was the one out here with you, instead of me, she would never understand."
"Kristin understands?"
He laughed. "You think I came out here without her knowing? I don’t have a death wish. Yeah, she’s fine with everything. I think she figures the fewer problems with the group, the more time I get to spend with her."
"Good strategy," I said as we stepped onto the porch.
I heard a strange crunch under my feet.
"What’s that?" Kevin asked. I guess he heard it too.
I bent down to pick up pieces of plastic. They were tiny, and they were everywhere.
"It’s a CD case," Kevin said picking up the remnants of a disfigured jewel box.
I looked around to spot dark colored pieces of glossy paper all over the floor, more plastic and finally my CD. My Black and Blue CD.
"What on Earth?" Kevin asked confused as he pieced back together pictures of himself and the guys.
I tired to wipe the million of scratches off the back of my CD with my shirt. "Daniel," I said knowingly. "I left this in his truck when he took me to the airport. He was always threatening to do this."
"Do this?" he asked confused. "Wait. Get off the porch."
"Kevin, it’s fine. He’s too much of a coward to do anything--."
He pulled my arm and made me get off the porch as he looked around.
"The porch light is a tiny bulb. If he was hiding in the bushes, we’d already be dead," I told him. "He’s too much of a coward to do anything. Besides, he’s probably just mad."
"He’s a freak," he said finally satisfied that no one as lurking in the bushes. "Give me your key."
I knew better than to argue, so I let him open the door.
"I should have talked to him," I said. "I shouldn’t have let things get this far. He’s just a dumb guy, and I know I’ve been driving him crazy."
Kevin was looking around the house, but I was sure Daniel was gone.
"You have a knack for driving people crazy," he said dryly.
"I don’t mean to. I mean, I think I just get confused, and sometimes, I don’t know what to do."
"I don’t think he’s here. Does he have a key?"
"No. I never give anyone a key."
"Good," he said. "Good enough. Are you going to call him? Talk to him? I think you should," he said not waiting for an answer. "I want to see how he reacts. I’m not going to be comfortable leaving you here if he freaks out."
"Kevin--," I tried to start, but he wouldn’t let me.
"Call, okay? Please."
No one could probably ever argue with that man. I picked up the phone and called.
"You can sit," I told him while the phone rang. "Or watch TV."
"I’m gonna call Kris," he said pulling out his phone again.
"Hello?" Daniel answered.
"Hey, it’s me. Thanks for bringing back my CD."
He was quiet.
"Look, it’s fine. I don’t care about the CD. It doesn’t hurt my feelings that you did that," I said. "I guess you know that--."
"Who’s that guy I saw you walk out with today?"
I rolled my eyes. So that was it. He had seen us.
"He’s a friend. And look, it doesn’t matter that you know who he is. I just called to apologize for the last few days, and to tell you that I can’t see you anymore."
More silence.
"Daniel?"
"What? You don’t think I had already figured as much? Fine. If that’s what you want Elisa, that’s fine."
"It’s what I want," I said assuredly. "I just wanted to apologize for not telling you sooner, for not being more honest."
"Well, what was I supposed to expect, huh? I mean, all these years, you haven’t changed. You’re still that stupid, lost girl who doesn’t know what she wants."
"Look, I didn’t call to hear you analyze me. I just wanted to tell you that--."
"Save it, Ellie. Save it for the next stupid guy who puts up with your bullshit. The next idiot..."
I looked up to find Kevin watching me apparently already finished with his call. I didn’t exactly want him to know that Daniel had decided to try to tear me apart.
"... because that’s all you know, Ellie. Go from one fool to the other. You’re so scared to commit that you’re content just fucking whoever comes along, right? It’s fine," he was saying. "No apologies necessary. I know how things are with you. How stupid you are."
I didn’t care what he had to say to me at that point, but I wanted to get off the phone so that Kevin wouldn’t think anything bad. I understood very well by then, that thinking the worst was just his nature.
"Fine then," I said calmly. "I’ll put your stuff on your porch tomorrow. Thanks for understanding. Take care."
"Understanding what? That you’re crazy? You--."
I put the phone down and smiled at Kevin. "Done."
He eyed me. "Everything’s fine? He’s cool with it?"
"He doesn’t have a choice," I shrugged.
"Yeah, but did he take it okay? He didn’t threaten you, did he?"
"No, no threats," I said. And it wasn’t a lie.
He sighed. "Okay. If you’re sure. If anything happens, you call me. Okay? There’s my number." He pointed to a scrap of paper on the coffee table. "I got a room at the Westin, and I’ll probably take off tomorrow sometime, so I’ll be around."
I nodded. "I’ll be fine. Don’t worry."
"Why does everyone always tell me that?" he said as he started for the door. "Do I look like that much of a worrier?"
I tried not to laugh but failed. "Thanks Kevin. Thanks a lot, for everything."
"No problem," he said. "Take care of yourself and do the right thing. Okay?"
I smiled. "Okay."
He pulled me into a quick hug. "Good-night. Please, lock everything up."
"Done," I said flipping the lock on the door as he stepped out. "Be careful driving."
"Done," he repeated. "Take care."
 

Once again back in reality the next day, I didn’t have time to think about everything that had just happened. Much less about all the possibilities that finally lay at my feet.
I could call Nick.
I could finally hear his voice again and try to regain his trust. Just the thought of finding my way back to him made me dizzy. It was dream that I had regretfully woken from and found once again.
"That’s one big smile," Josie said catching up to me as I locked my door at the end of the day.
"Hey," I greeted. "Guess what I’m doing today?"
She laughed. "Before taking that trip to Baltimore with you, I would have said something like washing your hair or doing your nails. I have now come to find out that you have this whole other side that I never knew. So, what are you doing now? Got any more rock star boyfriends hidden away."
I had to laugh. "No. I don’t have any rock star boyfriends hidden away. I’m calling Nick today."
"You are?"
We stepped outside as I nodded. There were no kids around since school had let out more than an hour earlier.
"Yeah," I was saying. "I talked to Daniel yesterday and finally squared things away. I don’t know what’s going to happen. I don’t know how much time we’re going to get to spend together, but I’m willing to try. I’m not going to sit around and...," I dropped off as I recognized Daniel’s truck making its way down the street. "Shit."
"What?" Josie asked searching her purse for her keys.
"Nothing. I’d better go," I said hurrying to my car. "I’ll let you know what happens."
"Yeah, I’ve heard that from you before. Good luck, Ellie. I hope you get your boy," she called as she crossed the street to her car.
"Thanks," I said disabling my alarm and rushing the last few feet to mine.
"Hey."
I had the door handle in my hand, and I was tempted to just get inside and ignore him. After what he did to my CD, I figured it was better that I just stay out in public.
"Elisa?"
I turned around slowly but never let go of the door handle. "Hey Daniel. I don’t have your stuff yet. I wanted to pack it up today, but--."
"It’s okay," he said with a small shrug. "I don’t really want anything back from you. I just wanted to talk. Is that okay?"
I shook my head. "I don’t think that we have a lot to talk about."
He looked hurt. Sometimes, I caught glimpses of my ex-best friend, the guy who had been there for me so many times that I couldn’t count them. Sometimes, I just forgot about how bad things had gotten between us.
"Well, I’d like to talk to you," he said. "You can just listen. Can you do that for me? Just that one thing?"
I let go of the handle and leaned on my car. "Sure."
He looked at his shoes for what seemed like a long time then up at me. "I’m sorry."
"There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything wrong. Things just weren’t meant to be with us, and--."
"No, you don’t understand. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry," he said finally looking at up me with a look that I didn’t recognize. He stepped closer to me, and I inched back against the door.
"Daniel, maybe you’d better let me go," I said.
"Why? Why? Why do I have to let you go now that you’ve finally come back to me? Why are you making things so hard for us?"
Shit.
Shit.
I regretted letting Josie go a million times over. He was acting strangely and looking at me like there was something I didn’t know that was very clear to him.
"I have to do something important at home," I said stupidly and felt around for the handle again. "I have to do it today, and--."
He grabbed on hard to my arms and the motion made me tug on the handle and open the door. I tripped forward as he pulled me for a second then pushed me against the front of the car.
"Listen," he muttered through clenched teeth. "Listen to me Elisa, things aren’t going to end like this with us. I’m not just going to disappear like all the assholes you’ve had go through your life. I know you. I know what you’re like. Why the hell do you even try? Why even go on and find something better when you that you can’t? When you know that you’re still you, and this is the best that you can do."
I was shocked into place, and all I could do was blink. The folder of un-graded papers I had been holding had fallen to the ground and a few of those papers flew past me in the spring breeze.
"What? Did you think you were going to change?" he asked. "Don’t you remember how I met you? How we were drunk and half naked in my car two hours after meeting? Don’t you remember everything that you told me? How you cried because no one ever gave you the chance to be more than that easy girl you had become? I gave you that chance. I gave it to you. I’m the one who saw you for more than your ass. It was me. Don’t you remember that--."
In the next second, his hold was gone, and he was out of my face. I realized then I was breathing out way more than I was breathing in. The only reason I seemed to be standing was that I was leaning on my car.
I blinked and tried to catch my breath, tried to figure out what was going on.
Muffled words surrounded me, and then I sucked in air and tried to regain some control.
"Are you okay? Are you all right?"
I knew that was Kevin’s voice because I heard it, but I was having a hard time looking up from the ground. "Elisa? Elisa? C’mon!"
I felt his hands at my elbows, and I pushed him off. My whole body rejected his touch the way it should have rejected Daniel’s.
"It’s okay," he was saying and sounded out of breath. "It’s all right. He’s gone. He’s gone. He’s gone."
I started shaking then, uncontrollably.
"Oh my God, oh my God," I heard myself say. "Oh my God, I can’t believe that he... that he..."
"He’s gone," Kevin repeated. "He’s gone. He didn’t do anything to you, did he? Did he hurt you? Are you all right?"
I finally nodded up at him, and the look of worry on his face made me break.
"Oh my God," I cried. "Oh my God, I can’t believe him."
"Sh," he said touching my hair. "It’s okay. You’re all right. You’re all right, right? That’s all that matters."
I gave in to the tears of fear and shock that wouldn’t stop.
I heard him sigh and pull me into his arms. "I’m sorry," he said. "I’m sorry that I didn’t get here sooner. I was driving by to say good-bye. If I hadn’t found you here, I was going to go to your house. Are you all right? Did he touch you? Did anything happen?"
I pulled away from him and shook my head. "No. He,... he didn’t do anything like that. He just...," I stopped and pulled myself completely away from him not wanting him to know how those words had hit me.
"He just what?"
"He just scared me. That’s all."
He sighed and shook his head. "I think we’d better get out of here, okay? Let’s get your stuff."
But it was all over the parking lot. Papers with my children’s names were stuck against the fence.
"C’mon," Kevin said putting a hand out of me after we had gathered what we could. "I’m taking you with me. Somehow, we can come back later and get your car."
I shook my head. "No. You need to go. You need to go home. I’m fine."
"I’m not leaving you here," he said. "I’m not leaving you here, and you are not going back home tonight."
I picked up another math paper. "Kevin, I have to. And you have to. What are you going to do? Stay here and get in a fight with him whenever he’s around?"
"No," he said. "But that doesn’t mean that you’re handling all of this alone. Abusive guys don’t stop until--."
"He’s not abusive," I said. "He’s just mad. And he just--."
He pulled the papers I had collected out of my hand. "Don’t. Don’t start making excuses for this guy. Don’t even tell yourself that there’s anything that explains any of this. There isn’t. I’ve been mad at girls for breaking up with me, but that never gave me the right to lay a hand on them, not for a second. You need to get out of here."
"Where am I going to go?" I asked more loudly than I wanted to. "What the hell am I supposed to do? Leave work? Nothing happened, Kevin. I’m fine. I never plan to see him again. He probably will never come back here, and it’s over. It’s done."
"And if it’s not?"
I sucked in air and shut the door of my car. I was too tired to deal with anything anymore. All I wanted was some piece of my normal life back.
"Let’s just go," Kevin said again. "Do me this one favor and let me take you home."
I glanced back at my car and back up at him.
"Please?" he asked.
I just went. I sat in his truck and watched the familiar streets turn dark right before my eyes and wondered why they looked so strange. Maybe it was because Daniel’s words had brought back thoughts I had long hidden away. I knew I wasn’t that girl anymore, but I wasn’t sure exactly how far away from her I had gotten. Maybe that’s why my life continued to take these pathetic turns. I still hadn’t paid for my past.
"Can you get any time off?"
His voice startled me away from the window. "What?"
"Can you get any time off?" he repeated. "Just a couple of days? Like Thursday and Friday?"
I shook my head. "We just had spring break. I can’t stay home and hide because of this, Kevin."
"Not to stay home," he said. "To go to Tampa."
I rubbed my forehead trying to let it all settle. "What?"
"Well, it would do you some good. I could get us there pretty quickly if we left tomorrow night. Day and a half, tops. You could spend the weekend with Nick and fly back Sunday night. It would give you guys time together, and I think you need it."
The truth was that I did have personal days available. All I had to do was ask.
"We could just fly up there, too," he said with a shrug. "It’s not like I couldn’t leave my truck at your house and come get it later. You could be there Wednesday night."
Seeing Nick would make everything perfect. All the crap in the entire world always disappeared when he was around.
"Just think you, Nick, the beach. Of course, I’d be around, but I can stay out of the way," Kevin said, then he laughed.
He almost got me to laugh, but I just shook my head.
"Say the word, and I can get the tickets," he said. "Say the word, and you could make one thing in your life a whole lot better today."
I shook my head. It was like the more I shook it, maybe things would settle in differently, and then they’d make sense.
"You make everything sound so easy," I said.
"What’s hard about it?"
"I have to call the principal. I have to make plans for the substitute. I have to--."
He pushed his cell phone on me as he turned on to the freeway. "If you don’t know your boss’ number, you can call information."
 

"I can’t believe he left a bruise," Kevin was saying as we finished buckling into our seats on the airplane early Wednesday evening.
I pulled down my jacket sleeves to cover up the slightly purple skin right above my wrist.
"Me either," I said with a shrug.
"Should have called the police," he said.
"It’s not that big a deal. I’m having a hard enough time just accepting that I’m even on this plane, Kevin."
"Why?"
"Because," I said. "Because I’m going to miss two days with my kids. And we just had spring break. How responsible is that?"
He laughed. "Two days to your second graders? How much of a difference does that make in a whole school year?"
I shrugged again. He was right.
He flipped through the magazine he had brought on board then shook his head. "You’re just having doubts about Nick, not about your kids."
"Not Nick," I said immediately. "Not him. I could never have doubts about him. If anything, I doubt myself."
He pushed the magazine into the pocket on the seat in front of him. "What? Why? Why do you have doubts about yourself, Elisa? I don’t understand so many of the things you do. And let me tell you, that part of my job is understanding people. I have to. I have to understand why the guys do what they do, why Kristin does, why the press does. When those things don’t make sense to other people I have to make explanations. But you? I don’t understand you."
I glanced down the aisle as the last few people boarded eyeing us as we sat in first class.
"When Nick showed up at my house last week, I tried to explain it to him. I tried to tell him that you were just insecure about his intentions. I told him that it was the age difference. I even told him that maybe you were in love with that Daniel guy," he shook his head. "After getting to know you better these last few days, none of that makes sense. You love him. I see that just in the mention of his name. You love him in spite of the age difference, the distance and the wrong choices you made with that guy. So, what is it? What is it that gives you those doubts?"
I wondered the same thing. It was an age-old question that I would never be able to answer.
"Well?" Kevin prodded.
"I don’t--," I began but just then they started giving safety instructions, and I decided to listen. I had flown twice in the last week, but I decided that it was just best to listen.
He let me stall for that little while then went right back to it. "You don’t even know yourself, do you?"
"No," I admitted. "I don’t. I don’t know why I push Nick away. I don’t know why I just put my job before everything else. I guess it’s just a good excuse to not do anything else, to not get involved and to not get hurt."
"Has it been that bad?" he asked softly now. "Have things been that bad for you that you don’t even want to try?"
The plane began to back out. "They’ve been bad enough."
I was starting to wish he’d just be quiet. But I also knew that I needed his understanding. It would make things a lot easier with Nick.
"Everyone has bad experiences," he said. "My heart was ripped beating out my chest before Kristin came along." He shrugged. "You should have seen me then. I became a really good typical jerk. I went out on my girlfriends. Made a million promises that I didn’t keep, and I called it having a good time. Really, I was just protecting myself and never let anyone in, so that I wouldn’t get screwed again. I guess that’s why things with Kris never worked out until I was over that. Until I had been angry so long, that I had forgiven myself for being young and stupid and moved on."
His words finally made me turn to him as the plane began to speed down the runway, and we took off.
"Why are you doing this?" I said over all the noise.
He looked confused. "What?"
"Why are you even trying this hard? I can see why you went to find me. You had to reassure Nick that I was all right. But to go this far, Kevin? To take me all the way over there? Why?"
I saw him swallow back, and I guessed his ears were popping just like mine because I had to do the same. He shook his head, and we waited for the plane to finally make it into the air.
"Why are you doing this?" I repeated. "Do you think you’re making up for the time you came to take him back? I never blamed you for that. I never thought that you did anything but make him see what he already wanted. He would have left anyway."
"That’s right," he said. "I’m not making anything up to you, Elisa. It’s not about that. That wasn’t personal."
"Then? Then what’s this about? Why are you going out of your way to help us?"
He finally looked away from me and shrugged. "Just because."
I stopped.
I stopped trying to find out what was behind him because I already knew. This man didn’t seem to lie or connive. Whatever he was doing, it was because he thought it was right. I just hoped that we had the same idea of what right was.
 

"There’s no answer," Kevin said as we drove out toward Nick’s house.
Right after getting off the plane, we had rented a truck and started driving.
"I can’t believe he’s not there," he said surprised. "Damn."
"It’s okay," I told him. "He probably just went out or something."
"Yeah, but I didn’t drag you all the way over here so that he wouldn’t be home. Let me try the cell."
I watched the strange, winding road before me. Even in the darkness, I could tell that Florida sure was green, and that was great contrast to the desert.
"Frack?? Where the hell are you, man?"
I glanced at Kevin as he seemed to strain to listen to what Nick was saying.
"What?... What? ... I can’t hear you, man.... You’re where?....Where? ... What the hell are you doing there? And Bone’s with you?.... And Howie too?.... Great. That’s just great. .... No, I’m not mad, just surprised."
He stopped at a red light and shook his head. "Well, you’re staying out for awhile then?"
I smiled to myself. It just figured. Things with Nick would turn out this way for me. Just when I had made up my mind, he was nowhere.
"... can’t just go out there, Nicky.... Because I’m married, remember?" Kevin chuckled. "Well, I don’t know... I just don’t.... I’ll call you back... Yeah.. yeah... Later."
The light turned green as he clicked the phone back off and started down the road again.
"They’re out," he informed me.
"Out at a club?"
He nodded. "It’s so early, and they’re already at a club. I guess we could go to his place and wait. Wanna do that?"
"Sure," I said. "I waited this long, right?"
"Unless," Kevin said suddenly switching lanes and finding a place to make a U-turn.
"Unless what?"
He smiled at me. "Unless we just show up at the club. Surprise him there?"
I shook my head. "I’m not dressed for clubbing. I mean, I didn’t bring anything like that and--."
He laughed. "Like you have to worry about how you’re dressed. There’s no such thing as a dress code in these places. You look fine. What are you worried about?"
"But it’s a club. I’m going to feel--."
"Are you chickening out?" he asked. "Because if you are--."
I cut him off. "No. No, I’m not chickening out. I’m not. Let’s go."
He smiled. "That a girl."
I made him sit in the parking lot for almost twenty minutes while I debated whether even to go inside.
He shook his head at me. "Let’s just go. C’mon. What have you got to lose?"
I looked up at the dark warehouse club and decided that I needed more lipstick.
"You already did that," Kevin said in the closest thing to a whine I had ever heard come out of him. "Let’s just go inside."
"Kevin, he’s going to freak."
"Yeah well, he is. But it’s a good thing. You guys can finally spend some time together. Remember that you only have a couple of days."
I shook my head.
"You’re just scared," he said opening the door. "Let’s go."
I knew I had to follow because I didn’t want him leaving me behind, but my stomach was in pure knots as I followed a few feet behind him.
"C’mon," he said pulling my arm as we crossed the street and by-passed the long line outside the club.
"Hey Kev!" the guy at the door greeted. "How’s it going?"
"Good. Yourself?"
"Great. The guys are here. I didn’t think you’d be showing up anymore," the guy smiled. "Since you got married and all. Where’s Kris?"
"She’s working," Kevin said easily. "Can we get inside now?"
"Sure have a good time."
"Thanks," I said ducking past him through the door.
I hadn’t been at a club in what felt like years. Daniel and I never did the club thing. The thumping beat seemed to go right through me as the lights flashed and a million people appeared.
"It’s a big place," Kevin said over the noise. "I don’t think the guys hit the VIP room."
"You guys come here a lot?"
He nodded. "When we’re all in Tampa. But that’s not a whole lot. Nicky doesn’t like clubs too much, but when Bone’s in town, it’s his favorite thing to do."
I nodded as we started into the massive throng of people. Kevin hung on to my elbow.
"Want me to go first?"
I nodded and hung on to the back of his shirt as we fought to get through the multitude squeezing into the bar. It practically mixed in with the swarm that writhed on the dance floor.
"Hey," some guy smiled at me as we found a clearing that led to the stairs.
I ignored him and continued after Kevin.
"I don’t wanna go up there," Kevin said. "I know them. They’re not gonna be in the VIP room. Nick hates that."
I glanced around the boiling club. It was barely eleven, but everyone seemed to be having an exceptionally good time.
"Do you see them?" he asked me as he craned his neck.
He was way taller than me.
"No. Wanna get a beer?" I asked because I needed to relax.
He chuckled. "Yeah. Yeah, okay. Let’s get a beer."
We plunged back into the crowd, and I purposely stopped where the guy had smiled at me.
"Hey," he greeted again, and I wondered if that’s all that could come out of his mouth anymore.
"Hey," I smiled. "Excuse me. Can we get through?"
"Sure," he said then looked up at Kevin and swallowed hard. "Sure."
"Thanks," Kev said politely and we were finally pressed up against the bar. "Flirt to get through to the bar?" He laughed. "No wonder Nicky likes you."
I had to laugh. "Hey, I’ve done the club thing too many times not to know the tricks."
Kevin smiled and leaned over to get the bar-maid’s attention. Apparently, it wasn’t too hard because before I knew it, he was handing me a bottle of beer.
"Now what?" he asked after taking a sip.
After taking my own first sip, I already knew what. I saw him. He, AJ and Howie were talking to a group of girls on the other side of the bar. I saw him smile into the some girl’s face and start laughing at something she said. My stomach sank hard. I almost wanted to pretend that I hadn’t seen him, but Kevin was by no means that slow. He looked where I had been staring.
"Oh Nicky," he laughed. "C’mon. Let’s go say hi."
I held on to the bar. "I don’t know. He’s talking to someone."
"That’s some broad, Elisa. Some girl that probably came up to him and the guys. Who do you think he’d rather talk to? You? Or her?"
I swallowed hard because I had no idea. It was an incredibly good question.
"C’mon," he called taking a step away from the bar.
"I can’t," I said. "I don’t know if--."
"Then why’d you come? To chicken out?"
"I already told you that I’m not a chicken. It’s just that this is hard for me, Kevin. I don’t even know how he’s gonna--."
He pulled my arm again. "And you won’t know until you go find out. C’mon."
Shit. Shit. This guy never took no for answer.
My heart thumped against my chest as we pushed against the crowd again. It seemed to take us longer to get around the them this time, and I was glad. Maybe that girl and Nick had gone out to dance.
I had no such luck as we finally found our way around the bar. I wrenched my arm out of Kevin’s hold.
"Gimmie a sec," I told him. "Please?"
He shook his head at me. "Okay. Fine. I’m gonna go to the bathroom while you think about this. Mind holding my beer?"
I shook my head as he handed me the nearly empty bottle. Mine was still pretty full.
I hid behind a group of people at the bar so that Nick wouldn’t discover me before I got the guts to go up and talk to him. The blonde who was talking to him was still there, and now she seemed to have brought along a friend for AJ. I even heard AJ laugh over all the noise as the girl seemed to be in the middle of a very funny joke.
I could see the back of Nick’s head and he kept leaning his ear closer to the blonde so he could hear what she was saying. Every little while, he’d take a drink of a beer or smile at her. She was really pretty and looked about his age if not younger. She wore a dress with flimsy straps that revealed her slightly muscular shoulders.
I sucked in air. I was wearing jeans and a fitted black T-shirt because Kevin had convinced me that I didn’t need to change. I didn’t even know why I listened to him. Part of me wanted to put the beers down and run out just like I always had.
I was very close to doing just that when AJ and his girl headed to the dance floor. Just as he turned, I think I caught his eye and he did a double-take before I was able to duck. I saw his jaw drop, and he turned to Nick, but the girl pulled him before he could say anything.
My heart took a big, huge, loud pang, and I took a step around my cover.
God help me.
I pushed my hair off my shoulder and walked right up to him, like I had some business even doing that.
"Hey Nick," I managed to get out.
He was leaning in, listening to whatever that girl was saying, but his eyes darted to me. I saw the shock play all over his face as he straightened up. The girl looked at me curiously and tried to get his attention back.
"Nick?" she asked.
I smiled nervously. "Hi."
He squinted at me and closed his mouth. "Elisa?"
"Yeah. Hey. How are you?" I asked stupidly and realized I was holding two beer bottles in my hand.
"I’m fine. What are you doing here?" he asked.
The only thing I seemed to be able to do was smile. "I came to see you. I, I... I just came to say hi."
"Oh," he said. "Hi."
It was then that I got a really good look at him. He wasn’t tanked beyond consciousness, but he looked like he’d been drinking for awhile. His eyes were somewhat bloodshot and a little lost. He was wearing dark blue jeans and a beige-colored, un-tucked shirt.
"Nick?" the girl tried again.
"Yeah? I’m here," he said. "But hey, say hi to my friend, Elisa," he told her. "She’s just here for a little while. It won’t be long before she decides it’s time to go home. Again. That’s all she ever knows, just going home."
The blonde flashed a huge, false smile at me. "Hey."
"What’s your name again?" Nick asked her.
She pushed his shoulder and he laughed.
"You jerk!" she shrieked but kept laughing. "I’m Madison. All this time I’ve been talking to you, and you don’t even know my name!?"
Nick smiled at her, and his gaze returned to me. "Oh wow. What a surprise. You’re still here. What? Are you going for a personal record?"
My stomach sank hard, and the only reason those beer bottles didn’t fall out of my hands was that I was fighting hard to stay in control. He had the right to be mad at me. I couldn’t just ignore that. I had come all the way back here to apologize. If I was ever going to get him back, I had to start by doing that.
"Nick I’m sorry," I said.
"What?" he called over the noise.
I hesitated but took a step closer to him. "I said, I’m sorry. I’m sorry about what I did in Maryland. I didn’t mean to leave like that. I was just--."
He was nodded knowingly at me. "I know. I know," he said. "You were just scared, afraid, nervous, unsure, insecure? Right? Right? Pick a reason, and you’ll have Elisa Vazquez’s reason for running away."
Madison laughed hard, but Nick’s gaze remained on me.
"What was it this time, huh? Too in love with some jerk that would rather screw you than get to know you? Too busy with your job to even give us a chance? I’m still too damn young and stupid?  Or did you come up with a new excuse, Elisa?"
This was my worst nightmare come true.  I shook my head and started away from him, but he was right behind me.
"C’mon. I’d like to hear it," he said. "What is it now? Why’d you come? What’d you think was gonna happen?"
I dumped the bottles in a trash can and kept trying to get away from him, but he wouldn’t stop either.
"I was gonna just drop everything and run after you like a puppy? Like I always have? Elisa? Elisa?"
I wasn’t about to stop.
"There you go again, running off," he practically yelled. "Hey, the way you run you’d think you have somewhere to run to. Isn’t that what people say? That people don’t run away? That they run to something? What are you running to, Elisa? What did you--?"
I walked right into a Kevin’s dark blue shirt, and he didn’t move. But Nick finally stopped.
"I have to go," I said trying to step around him, but he held on to my arms and didn’t let me go.
"What are you doing? What’s going on?" Kevin asked.
"Train?" Nick sounded shocked. "What are you...? I mean, you guys came here ...?"
"Together? Yeah," Kevin told him as I moved past him, and he still wouldn’t let me go. "We came up here to surprise you. Are you drunk, Nick? What’s going on?"
Nick seemed to concentrate to try to understand what he was saying. He looked drunk. I couldn’t believe that Kevin even had to ask him that question.
"What did you say to her? What did you do?" Kevin was asking. "What happened?"
Nick blinked and shook his head. "Figures. Figures you’d come and make things even screwier than before. Just when I thought --."
"Hey, I didn’t make things screwier. Weren’t you just crying on the phone to me last week? Weren’t you the one who was trying to figure out what to do? Nick? What the hell are you doing?"
Nick bit his lip and looked past Kevin at me. I looked away. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me up right there.
"What? What are you doing?" Kevin repeated. "Do you even know?"
I was staring at the door hoping that I could make it without either of them noticing. But Kevin wasn’t letting go, no matter how hard I struggled against him.
"Let me get the hell out of here," I said pulling away from him. "Just let me go. Please? Please, just let me go."
"No," Kevin said. "I’ll take you. I can’t just let you go--."
"Let her go, Kev. It’s what she wants. It’s all she knows. If she’s not running away, she won’t know what to do with herself."
Kevin looked back at me then at Nick. "Frack, stop talking like that. You don’t even know what she’s been through. You don’t even--."
"And you do? You know what the hell’s been going on, and I don’t? Why?" Nick yelled his face suddenly red with anger. "How did I fall out of the loop and you suddenly fell in. I thought you two hated it each other."
"You’re just drunk."
"I’m not just drunk. I’m just finally seeing things straight, Kevin!"
I kept trying to break from his hold, but he just didn’t let go.
"Would you just listen?" Kevin asked sounding more exasperated than I’d ever heard him. "I went over there to talk to her. To help you."
"You went over there!?" Nick repeated. "You fucking went over there? You went all the way to Texas, to drag her back here? And for what? So you could look like the hero and she could run away again?"
"Nick, you’re plastered. You don’t know what you’re saying," Kevin said evenly. "Stop babbling, and--."
"I’m not babbling," he said and gave Kevin such a shove that I was able to break free.
I pushed past the drunks, the girls who were staring at Nick and Kevin and trying to find a way to go up to them and the security guards who were eyeing all of us not knowing quite what to do.
The damp air greeted me just as I stepped outside and past the line that was still going around the block. I practically ran past all of them and to the cab that was dropping off a couple on the corner.
"Can you take me to the airport?"
"Yeah. Hop in."
I climbed in and locked the door behind me. I didn’t even glance up as we passed up the front of the club. I was too busy trying to catch my breath and trying to stop my heart from beating straight out of my chest.
 
 

I rubbed my forehead trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Everything I owned but my purse was on the truck Kevin had rented. I was lucky to have credit cards to get me to the airport and home.
The only flight I was able to get back to El Paso wouldn’t leave until one in the morning. I sat down on an uncomfortable chair at the gate and sighed.
Why?
It was all that I could think. Why did these idiotic things happen to me? If I had already learned that it was better to protect myself and lie low, why did I end up taking stupid risks that only made things harder. I had been stupid to think things would have been different with Nick. That he just would have forgiven everything like a puppy. That was a good description for him. In the past, things might have been easier. But he was no longer that naive kid. I had burned him once before, and he was protecting himself, just like I should be.
The gate was practically empty, and the silence was a welcome contrast to the noisy club.
I leaned my head back and sighed trying to figure out what had happened in the last forty-eight hours. Everything stopped being real when Daniel showed up at the parking lot at school. After that, I had my reality chewed up and spat out at me too many times. Too many people knew the truth, and I didn’t.
I glanced down at the faded bruise on my wrist and tried to focus. There had to be a way for me to find normalcy again. I couldn’t just continue to live in limbo because it seemed worse than hell. At least life without Nick was just sad. Life without Nick but without my acceptance of that was miserable beyond description.
This was it then. It was over. Just like it had ended once at the airport in El Paso. It could end here. This could be good-bye forever, no going back.
I pulled up my knees and crossed my arms. That day, back at the airport, I hadn’t really cried because I was at peace letting him go. It was the best thing for the both of us.
This was the best thing for the both of us too, but this time, it hurt so much. I fought hard against the tears that just wouldn’t stop. I was the only person who sit alone at an airport gate and cry. Everyone else usually cried because they were letting go of someone. Well, someone had finally let go of me.
"If I had to bet my life on it, I would have bet you were here."
I didn’t even look up. The last thing I wanted to hear was more recriminations from Nick.
"Elisa?" he asked tentatively.
I finally pulled my face up and squinted at the light. The gate had filled up while I sat there and felt sorry for myself. Nick looked around as well then dropped himself into the seat next to mine.
I grabbed my purse.
"Oh there she goes again," he said softly as I climbed out of the chair and started for the other side of the gate.
I stopped. "That’s enough. I think you made your point very clear. I run away, all right? That’s what I do. That’s all I know. Don’t worry, it won’t be your business anymore."
"I swore I wouldn’t come here. I swore I would never speak to you again. After everything I went through last week," he said softly, "I swore I’d never, ever chase you down again. Or anyone else."
I finally looked over at him, and he looked hurt. I fought that little voice that never let me hurt him. Letting go of him was no longer a choice I had. It had to be done, and he was going to get hurt.  But so was I.
Then I looked a little closer. He had a slight bruise on the outside of his left eye.
"What happened to your face?" I asked.
His hand rose to touch the darker, purplish skin. "That? Kev and I got into it after you left."
"What?"
He shrugged. "I was pissed at him for riding in all high and mighty like he always does. He acts like I don’t know what I’m doing. Like he has to fix things for me. He didn’t even tell me that he was going to go see you." He shook his head. "And I was really pissed."
"And really drunk," I added. "He only meant well, Nick. He was just trying to help us."
I saw his lower lip disappear under his teeth, and he nodded slowly. "Yeah, I was drunk. I spent all of last week upset and keeping to myself. I was climbing the walls thinking about how I always screw up when it comes to you. AJ finally came to town and took me out. He said that I wasn’t going sit around feeling sorry for myself. That you weren’t...," he trailed off.
"Worth it?" I asked. "He’s right."
He shook his head again. "How can you say that? I mean, after everything that’s happened, after everything you’ve done, how can you say that?"
"Because it’s true, Nick. I always screw up. I have no business coming here to screw up things worse for you."
"Oh," he said sarcastically. "And you’re making them better by leaving?"
He was frustrating me too much to understand him.
"Then what?" I asked. "You’re pissed at me because I’m here. You’re pissed at me for leaving. I don’t understand."
"Good," he said. "Now you know how I feel. I don’t understand how you could come all the way out here and then just leave--."
"You yelled at me," I reminded him.
"You dumped me. Twice," he said and shook his head. "I was pissed. I was pissed because I can’t count on you. I know that at the first sign of trouble you’re off and running. I just see your smoke."
I shook my head.
"Tell me it’s not true. Just tell me. You know it is. And no matter what, here I am. Here I am watching you take off again," he sighed hard. "I really am hopeless you know?"
"Then why’d you come?" I asked.
"Why’d you come?" he retorted.
"To see you," I said ready to honest.  “I have nothing left to lose.  I came here to apologize to you, and to see if maybe you’d, ....you’d.... God, I don’t know, forgive me? Maybe give a me a chance to put away all that fear for once and stay?"
He looked stunned at first. Then he sat up and cleared his throat. "I don’t know if I can do that.  I mean, after--."
I nodded and took a step back. "I understand. I don’t blame you. I’d better go. I think they’re calling my flight."
The tears burned back in my eyes as I turned to walk away. I didn’t even want to take one last look at him because it would make me break, and I didn’t know if I could ever put myself back together after that.
"Elisa? Elisa, don’t. Don’t go."
"I have to," I said not turning and moving on toward the line that was forming at the tunnel entrance. "It’s not going to work anymore."
"Why? Why not? You mean to tell me that you came all the way out here to show me that you couldn’t stick it out? That you couldn’t even try?"
I whirled around to him and that sad, lost look on his face.
"I did try. I came out here to try. And you didn’t want to hear me. You were too pissed."
"I was too scared," he said. "Have you ever stopped to think that I get scared too? I get scared because I can’t even hold on to you. I know how I feel, I know what I want, but I don’t have a clue as to what you’re going to do. And it just freaks me out to know that I’m going to be back in some airport saying good-bye to again." He touched my shoulder and pushed back my hair. "But I’m always here. I’m always willing to try. If I wasn’t, do you think I would have shown up here?"
I blinked at him in surprise. The hard edge was gone, and it seemed to just be Nick, the same one I had always known.
"You’re scared?" I asked. "You?"
He looked down at the floor and shook his head. "Yeah me. Why is that so shocking? Why is it so hard to believe?"
"Because you’re always so sure. You were sure back in El Paso. You were sure in Baltimore."
"... excuse me?"
We both looked up to find a whole mess of people trying to get around us and on the plane.
"Excuse me," the man politely repeated, and we both stepped back.
"Sorry," Nick said.
I looked back up at him. I was physically close to him for the first time since I arrived in Tampa, and it wasn’t lost on me.
"I was sure because... because..," he hesitated. "Because I think I’m in freaking love with you, okay? I mean, that’s why I did everything that I did. I asked you to stay with me in Maryland because I thought we could have a shot at something. I thought we could try. When you ran off on me again, I was so down that I ended up at Kevin’s not having any clue where else to go. After that, I’ve just been here. And I’ve been generally pissed at everything and everyone, until today. Today when Bone took me out, got me drunk and introduced me to some girls, I had a really good time. Well, I was having a really good time, until I saw you."
"I’m sorry," I said. "I never meant to ruin your good time. I never meant to--."
"I never wanted to have a good time like that. I wanted to spend part of this break with you, remember? We were supposed to drive back from Baltimore last week."
"I wanted to stay," I said. "I went back to find you. I felt so stupid for letting you go."
"Jay told me," he said. "He finally got in touch with me here after I ditched my phone, and he told me. You went back?"
I nodded. "All I found was AJ. I realized how stupid I was. I never should have left. All you ever do is show me how much you care, and all I ever do is just leave you behind. You don’t deserve that."
He half smiled. "No, I don’t."
"I.., I just don’t know any better sometimes," I said. "I had so many doubts about coming here, but after what happened with Daniel, I just wanted to get away. I just wanted to see you and forget about that stupid guy. And I--."
"Stupid guy? What happened with Daniel?" he asked.
I let that slip. Shit.
"Nothing," I shook my head. "Forget I said that. "
"No. Why did you say that? When I was arguing with Kev at the club, he mentioned Daniel. He said something like, ‘after everything she’s been through with Daniel.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about. What happened?"
My eyes filled beyond my control, and I just wished that I didn’t have to tell him. It was one more thing that made me vulnerable, and I was so used to protecting myself, that this was death to me.
He stepped closer. "Elisa? What happened? What’d he do?  You‘re supposed to trust me. We‘re supposed to be friends first, right?"
I sucked in air and swallowed back the frog in my throat. "Nick, he just scared me. After Kevin and I talked, I realized just how many mistakes I had made. I called Daniel and broke up with him. Then he..," I began. "He, um, showed up at school and just scared me. He grabbed me, and he scared me. That’s all."
"That’s all?" he practically breathed out and took a step closer to me. "Are you sure? What else happened?"
"Kevin showed up, and pulled him off me. I don’t even know what happened or where he went. He was just gone. After that, Kevin pretty much convinced that I needed to get things straightened out. That I needed to come back to you." The tears pushed harder, and I blinked to let them finally slide down my face.
"... last call for flight 405 headed for Dallas, Texas," the voice of the airline employee a few feet away from us called.
"Shit," he said very softly. "Shit. Are you okay? I mean, are you sure he didn’t do anything else? Did he hurt you somehow?"
I shook my head. "No. Just when he had really pushed me, Kevin showed up, and it was okay. I mean, I don’t know what I would have done if he wasn’t there." I forced a smile. "I guess that explains how he got in the loop, huh?"
Nick shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. "Elisa, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry about everything that happened tonight, everything that I said."
I shook my head and used my palm to push back the tears that wouldn’t stay back. "I came here to apologize you to, Nick. I was the one who--."
He glanced behind himself for a second. "That’s your flight. What are you gonna do?"
I watched the last person hurry onto the plane and the airline employee start closing the glass door to the tunnel.
I looked up at him because more than anything I wanted him to ask me to stay. Then I realized there was something more important that he needed from me.
"I want to be here," I said. "I want to be here for you if you need me, because I need you."
A real smile finally broke through his face and he pushed back my hair for me again. "I need you all the time."
I followed his hand straight back into his chest. I wrapped my arms around his torso and closed my eyes against his warm chest.
I felt him kiss the top of my head.
"Thank you," I said. "Thank you for forgiving me, Nick. I never wanted for things to get this bad. I was just...." I stopped because he already knew my whole pathetic story and because the bubbling tears wouldn’t let me talk.
I felt him take a deep breath and hold on to me just a little bit tighter. "Can we go? Can I take you home?" he asked. "Please?"
I sucked in air and pulled away from his chest. "Yeah. Let’s go."
He held on to my face and pushed away a tear with his thumb. "We’re not going to do this anymore, okay? You didn’t come all the way over here to be upset and to cry. Right?" I saw him smile at me through my blurry vision. He pushed away a couple of stubborn tears and chuckled. "C’mon. Stop. It’s okay. We’ll be okay. We’ll fix all of this."
I nodded sniffling and took a deep breath to stop. "You have to know something."
"What?" he asked wiping away the last tear.
"I have regretted being away from you since I let you go back in El Paso. I think that’s why I did all the stupid things that I did. That’s why I just gave Daniel a chance. I just didn’t care anymore if it wasn’t you. And no matter how much I denied it, I knew I was in the wrong place. I knew it," I said feeling like I was being honest for the first time since I was honest with him. "I never should have let you go."
He smiled brightly. "I’m not going anywhere, Elisa. I’m going to be wherever you are." He pulled me closer to him again and away from the gate. "Let’s go home."
"What about Kevin?" I asked as we made our way outside.
"What about Kev?"
"You guys fought," I told him. "He hit you."
"He didn’t hit me," Nick said. "I pushed him. He just kept letting me until he got tired, then he finally pushed me back. I was so drunk I landed on a wall."
I looked up at the slightly purplish on the side of his face, above his cheekbone.
I winced. "Does it hurt?"
"No," he said. "I was too drunk when it happened, and I’m too happy now. I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t even believe that you made it all the way out here."
"Yeah, but I wouldn’t have done it without Kevin. If he hadn’t come to town, I’d still be there feeling miserable. Are you going to talk to him?"
"’Lisa, he’s pissed at me. You think he wants to hear from me right now? He’d probably rather hear from you."
We were finally at his truck.
"I heard you were driving a fancy car now," I told him.
He grinned opening the door for me. "I got a fancy car, but I still drive this. It’s just more me."
I climbed into the familiar Durango and strapped on the seat belt. He had stuff everywhere: CD’s, papers, notepads with scribbles and drawings.
"It’s a mess, huh? Sorry," he said putting on his seat belt. "I tend to get in here a drive a lot. I just throw around whatever I need. Here," he said handing me a cell phone.
"I don’t need to call anyone," I said.
"Call Kev. Go ahead. His number’s programmed in there. And believe me, I know he’s not asleep. He’s probably somewhere fuming because I acted like such an ass."
I gave him a look. "Are you sure you want me to do this? Wouldn’t you rather do it?"
He shook his head. "I need to fix things with him, but I get the feeling it’ll be easier with your help. Please?"
Like I was going to deny him anything. I found Kevin’s number programmed along with the other guys’. I let the phone dial and listened to it ring for what seemed like a long time.
"Hello?" he finally answered.
"Hey Kevin, it’s Elisa," I said glancing over at Nick who was easing his way toward the pay booth at the airport.
"Hey, how are you? Where are you? Are you going home?"
"Um, not yet. I’m with Nick. Where are you?"
It took him what seemed like a long time to answer. "I’m getting to Orlando right now. I have your stuff. You want me to take it back? Are you all right?"
Funny how he just ignored my mention of Nick.
"I’m fine," I said. "Are you okay? I know things with you guys didn’t--."
"It’s fine," he cut me off. "He’s a kid, right?"
"Well," I began not exactly sure what I should say. "Well, I think everyone was a little bit out of control. He was mad. I was upset. That put you in a bad place, and--."
"Look, I’ve done this too many times to get upset anymore," he said. "If he’s wondering if I’m mad, I’m not. But I’m also not willing to play the bad guy anymore. I did what I thought he’d do for me. Next time, I will cross my arms and do nothing."
"There won’t be a next time," I said. "Not with me."
"I’m glad to hear that," he said and I could almost hear the slight smile in his voice. "Is he pissed at me?"
"No. I don’t think so. But I got a big surprise when I got here, right?"
Nick gave me a look and shook his head.
"I know," Kevin said. "I was surprised to find him like that too. Are you sure things are okay? I have all your stuff still. I’m sorry. I figured you were going home, anyway."
"I almost did," I admitted. "But I’m glad I didn’t. Don’t worry about my stuff. It’s fine. You can--."
"He can bring it tomorrow when he comes over," Nick said loudly.
"Did you hear that?"
He chuckled. "Yeah. Why am I coming over?"
"Why’s he coming over?" I asked Nick.
"Just so he can see my face and what he did," Nick said starting into a dark highway. "He can just come visit. We can all hang out. That would be a first, right?"
"You guys need time," Kevin said. "I’ll take your stuff later."
"I think Nick’s right. We can hang out," I said. "I owe you a massive thanks."
"Me too," Nick said loudly, and I heard Kevin laugh again.
"Forget it. Tell him to forget it too," he said. "As long as you both finally get your heads on straight."
I had to smile. Having my head on straight was apparently a very difficult task.
"Here, gimmie, the phone," Nick said sticking out his hand.
"He wants to talk to you. Bye Kevin. Thank you again."
"Okay," he said. "You take care."
"Hey," Nick greeted into the cell as we hit another highway.
I tried not to listen to their conversation too much.
"... all purple and swollen, man.... Really... Really.... I’m serious. I am...," Nick laughed. "No, it’s fine.... Yeah... Yeah...," he sighed. "We’ll see.. Where’d Bone and ‘D end up?... Then all you guys come over tomorrow....No, we’ll be fine... We will... Just come by. Yeah, come by whenever. ..," Nick laughed. "Yeah me too... me too... okay... Okay... Bye." He clicked off the phone, tossed it in the back and sighed loudly.
"Guys are so funny," I said softly. "You don’t even really have to apologize, huh?"
"For what?" Nick asked. "I was drunk and stupid. He was being nosy and stupid. He was being Kevin. In the end, things are okay, right?"
I nodded. "Right."
"Except...," Nick trailed off.
"What?" I asked dreading one more problem. Girlfriend? Wife?
He finally laughed really loud. "What are you gonna do when you see AJ? He said he really let you have it. And you guys were so buddy buddy."
I shook my head. "Honey, I’m glad to be with you. I’ll deal with AJ however I can. If he hates me, then," I shrugged. "Then he hates me."
"He won’t hate you," Nick said assuredly. "He won’t."
"I’ll deal with that tomorrow. Right now, I’m just happy to be with you again."
He smiled and reached over to grab my hand.
 

It was odd to wake up in his sun-drenched bedroom. Even stranger to hear the ocean a few feet away from us and to shiver as the morning breeze flew in through the open window.
"You’re cold?" Nick mumbled pulling me closer.
"No," I lied.
"Yeah, you are." He sat up and went to shut the window. "Better?"
"Thanks," I said sitting up because I was wide awake. "You sleep okay."
He sat back down next to me and nodded. "Better than in like a year."
I laughed. "Me too. I like your shirt," I said tugging at the gray T-shirt he’d given me the night before. "You’re a Buc’s fan, huh?"
He nodded. "Me and Bri played basketball against a couple of them, and every once in a while, I get a bunch of merchandise from them. They’re cool guys."
I reached up to push his growing hair out of his eyes. No matter how much he cut it, it always seemed to growing back longer than ever.
"Hey, what’s this?" he asked hanging on to my wrist.
"Nothing," I said quickly and took it back. "It’s--."
He furrowed his brow.  "It’s that guy, huh? Oh my God, Elisa. He bruised you? He left a bruise on you?"
I crossed my arms to keep him from looking at the other wrist. "It’s nothing. It’s over. It’s the past. We agreed to that already."
"Yeah, but he bruised you. That’s more than scaring you. How much time do Kevin and me have before going back to work?" He asked looking straight at me like I knew. "Shit, we go back on Thursday. That still gives me a couple of days  to go find him."
"Nick, no. No you’re not. We’re leaving that in the past. It’s over. It’s gone."
"Oh yeah well, now that calms me down. When you go back home, I’m going to be really at peace knowing that guy’s out there."
I pushed my own messy hair out of my face and looked at him. "Nick. Nick, we don’t have a lot of time together. Let’s not waste it talking about him. Please?"
He shook his head and pulled me closer to him. "I can’t stand thinking about that. I can’t believe that guy did this to you," he said catching both my wrists this time. "Even if he was just trying to scare you, it pisses me off. If we don’t go find him, we can always send some of our security guys."
"Nick," I protested.
"What? He needs to have his ass kicked. But you’re right. I’ll deal with that later. We’ll--."
"No," I told him seriously. "You are not going to do anything. Nothing. We’re just going to let it go."
He shook his head at me. "I don’t know about that. I don’t know about that at all."
I turned around to give him the eye, but he quickly kissed me instead.
"What are we doing today? God only knows what time the guys will show up. Wanna go out on the boat?" he asked.
I shook my head. "I think I’ll get seasick."
"But you haven’t even tried," he said.
"Yeah, but I’d rather not throw up all over you, okay?"
He laughed. "Yeah, I’d rather you didn’t too. I guess we could just hang out here."
I wasn’t going to complain about that because I just liked being close to him, smelling him. It was like going back home after a long, grinding experience.
"Your house is incredible," I said looking around at it in the daylight. "I can’t believe you live here alone."
He laughed. "I have the dogs. And my brother comes to visit a lot too. It’s just a place to be when I’m not on the road."
"But it’s so beautiful," I said. "I can hear the ocean. How can you not love being here all the time?"
"I love it," he said with a shrug. "I love it like I love being comfortable, but it’s just a house. It’s not like back in Texas when we’d hang out at your place on Saturdays and watch TV. Like when you’d get home from work and we’d burn something for dinner. That was a home," he laughed. "You, me and Laura barbecuing on the off Sunday. I don’t have anything like that when I’m alone."
I watched the happy memories play on his face as he spoke.
"I miss you everyday," I said watching his beautiful face. "I’m there alone a lot now too, and it’s not like home at all. Even if Josie or Daniel was there, it wasn’t the same."
"Please don’t mention his name anymore," Nick said. "I was just getting past the anger."
"Yeah, okay, I won’t. I’m sorry. But I miss you, Nick. I missed you a lot all of last week. I didn’t even stay home for the rest of spring break. I went to see my sister in Austin and tried to forget how stupid I had been." I shook my head.
"You’re not stupid—," Nick began.
"I am. I know I am. I know you didn’t get a chance to talk to Kevin, but he could tell you. He could tell you how I was when he got there. I hadn’t eaten in like days--."
"What? Why?"
"I couldn’t," I said. "I felt stupid, miserable and lost. I felt like I had given up my last chance at happiness without even a fight."
He pulled my hand inside of his. "I...," he began tentatively. "I was so lost too. I don’t even know how I found my way to Kevin’s. Sometimes, I think my hands just know how to drive myself there. I don’t know how I finally came back here. All I did then was sit here and be miserable. I went out on my boat and sat there trying to hate you."
"Trying?"
He laughed softly. "Yeah, I tried. I wanted to hate you for going away again. But you know what? Part of me understood. Part of me knew that you were doubting everything. That you were back home thinking that you’d never do anything right in life. About how ‘that girl’ never seemed to go away."
I raised my eyes to him as many times we had talked about my insecurities.
"I’m right, huh? You were worried about ‘that’ girl? You were worried that she was back, huh?"
"Nick--,’ I tried to begin, but he cut me off.
"Elisa, you are not that girl. You are woman who made a lot of mistakes because she was young. You got caught up in people who didn’t want the best for you because you just wanted to trust someone, to love someone. You have to forgive yourself for all of that. I can’t believe you still carry that guilt around like you murdered someone." He shook his head. "You’re a much better person than that. You’re someone who deserves someone that--."
"Someone like you?" I asked. "Someone who saw past all of that. Someone who sees past the scars?"
He chuckled. "Yeah. I have really good vision. I don’t need those glasses. But you don’t get that I need someone who is here. Someone who can be here emotionally for me all the time. Someone who is strong and who trusts me and understands me. Or you know what? Just someone who loves me enough to pretend that they do all those things already."
"I get that Nick," I said. "I know you need more than I have been willing to offer."
He shook his head. "I need you. I don’t need what you can offer. I just need you. I know that now. I know that after all the stupid girls I’ve dated. No one, you hear this? No one that I have met has even been anywhere close to what you are to me. No one has ever meant half as much to me, ever. And you need to know something," he said sitting up. "I’m willing to take you. I mean like how you see yourself. When I see you, I see all the wonderful things in the world. When you see yourself, you don’t see that, and I don’t understand why. But I don’t care. I don’t care," he said. "I need what you have in you no matter what you think about it." He looked straight into my eyes and repeated those words. "I need you. I need you a lot."
"I need you a lot too," I managed to get out. "I need you everyday. I’m sorry. I’m sorry about not being here, and--."
He shook his head. "I’m not. I’m not sorry because it’s what brought you back. If this is what we had to go through then fine. You’re here. But Elisa..."
That ‘but’ made me look up. He was the one who said that nothing good ever came out of a but.
"What?" I asked.
"You have to be there. You have to be there for me, for us. I don’t care if it’s you, or if you feel like you’re not enough for me, or you’re too much, you have to have faith and be there. You have to."
I smiled and sat closer to him. "I will be there. I will be there for whatever you need, whenever you need it. Nick, I will never, ever run away again."
He leaned in to kiss me, and I closed my eyes much too happy to let him.
 

We didn’t do much to get the house ready for the guys. Nick’s house in Tampa was as impeccable as it had been in Texas. He made a quick trip to the grocery store for drinks, chips and meat because the guys were "steak guys."
I just sat there on the deck in awe of the ocean and what was happening right before my eyes. I had to blink in the bright sunlight and tell myself that it was okay. Even though I felt like I had just landed on Mars, I was in exactly the right place.
Yeah, right.
The right place with so much expensive stuff that ten years worth of my salary wouldn’t pay for one floor.
"... ready now, right?" Nick asked rushing in with the groceries. "Elisa?"
"Back here," I called to him. "I didn’t leave."
He laughed as he joined me outside. "I didn’t think so. What are you doing?" He looked out into the dark, blue ocean.
"It’s the color of your eyes," I told him.
He looked at me, and I saw him press his lips not to laugh. "What?"
"The ocean," I said. "The ocean is the color of your eyes. You match."
He touched my hair and sat on the deck floor next to me. "Hm, okay. You’re out here contemplating the ocean, huh? Have you contemplated what you’re gonna wear when the guys get here? You look really cute in my boxers, but--."
I hadn’t even realized that Kevin still had my stuff. I had used Nick’s things to shower that morning and didn’t think twice about wearing his clothes around the house.
"Nick! That’s right! What am I gonna do? The guys are--."
He was laughing and I knew he was already on to solving my dilemma.
"I threw your stuff in the wash before I left. It should be ready in a bit, and we can run to the mall if you want to get something else. You don’t have to wait for Kevin to bring your things."
He washed my clothes. I had never had a guy wash my car. This was beyond amazing.
"I’ll just wear what I brought when Kevin gets here. That’s fine. Thanks for washing my stuff."
He wrinkled his nose. "You’re welcome. It was easy. I just dumped it all in the machine, set it on super-hot and dumped the whole box of soap in."
I glared at him because he had to be joking.
"I’m kidding," he said. "Of course I know how to wash clothes. I’ve known for a long time, okay? Your clothes is fine."
"You didn’t have to do that," I said. "I didn’t know you had gotten that domestic in the last year."
"A lot of things have changed in a year. You’d be surprised," he said.
"Good or bad?"
He threw me his little grin. "Guess you’re about to find out, huh?"
I pulled him closer to me so that I could stare at him and at the ocean.
"I’m from the desert," I told him. "This place is like Mars to me."
"So I’m a Martian?"
"If you’re washing clothes you are," I laughed. "I like it already, though."
He laughed.
Brian and Howie weren’t going to Nick’s house. Apparently, Brian was under marital obligation to spend every free moment with Leighanne. Howie had already made plans. Kevin said he’d be there, but we didn’t hear from AJ.
"He so hates me," I told Nick as we sat in the kitchen drinking sodas. "He’s not coming."
"He does not hate you, Elisa. He was pissed because--."
"I know," I told him. "He was protecting you. I heard this already. I found out just how much they all really are your older brothers. Do you have any idea how luck you are?"
He nodded smiling. "Yeah, yeah I do. I am really, really lucky with them. They love me as much as I was been a pain as kid."
"So much love," I told him. "Just goes to show how special you really are."
He glanced down at his glass of soda for a second then up at me. "It’s not being special. It’s being lost and goofy all the time. They have to watch out that I don’t trip over my own messes."
I shook my head and slid off my stool. I stood right in front of him and pulled his hands into mine. "Nick, you are special, beyond belief special. People don’t get involved in each other’s lives, the way the guys have done it with you, unless they really care. They’re taking care of you so that you don’t get hurt." I had to laugh. "So that I don’t hurt you."
"Yeah," he sighed. "Big, bad you."
I yanked at his hand. "Stop joking. If it wasn’t me, it’d be someone else. And they’d be just as vigilant. You have to be someone really special to deserve all that love."
"Or someone really dim."
"Stop," I told him more seriously. "I felt the same way when Kevin came to town, remember? I was always warning you about he had come to take you back?"
"Yeah, and you two are best friends now. What is it with you and the guys?"
I shook my head because he wasn’t going to let me get it all out. "They love you, you silly kid. They love you like I love you. That’s it, that’s all. Forget the goofiness and the getting hurt. They just see what I’ve been trying to ignore all this time."
He just watched me this time. He didn’t even smile or try to joke.
"It’s your kindness. It’s how you forgive things easily, and how much you trust people. That’s what makes them see you the way they do. Why I see you the way I do," I said. "I always told myself that you hadn’t really existed."
He finally chuckled and pulled my closer. "Hm, well I do."
"Well, you do," I said and gave in to the kiss that led to many more of them.
We were pretty lost in a tangle of kisses when we heard voices.
I pulled away.
"They have keys," Nick said wiping my chin for me.
"Well, let’s go then," I said, but he didn’t let go of me. He pulled me closer and continued to kiss me just like we hadn’t heard a noise.
"... all day long! Hungry people out here!" someone yelled. It sounded like AJ.
I actually turned toward the door at mid-kiss and Nick laughed.
"Don’t worry," he said. "Jay’s gonna be fine. Are you gonna be fine?"
"Yeah, I guess."
He pulled my hand and led me out there.
"Hey," Nick greeted easily. "You guys get here okay? How was the drive down?"
"It was good," AJ said.
"Yeah, it was fine," Kevin agreed and smiled at us. "How are you guys?"
"Tired?" AJ asked raising an eyebrow.
Nick narrowed his eyes at them. "I’m not sure what you’re implying there bro, but--."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," AJ said. "Whatever you don’t know. Got any food?"
"We got lots of food. Let me have Elisa’s stuff and you can go with her to the kitchen," Nick said.
I think we both gawked at him.
"I left your bag on the truck," Kevin said. "C’mon Nick, let’s go get it."
"Sure," Nick said.
"Yeah since it’s one bag, both of you have to go, right?" I asked quietly.
He didn’t even look back at me.
And that’s how they left us alone.
I looked at AJ, and he just returned. I had already done the hardest part by apologizing to Nick. It just seemed hard with him too because he had stuck up for me in the past.
"Um," I began. "I think the chips are in the kitchen if you wanna come in."
"Yeah, okay," he said following me. Of course, there was zero expression on his face. I kept thinking he was going to give me a harder time than Nick.
"Plain or barbecue?" I asked taking the bags from the counter.
"Plain," he said and opened the refrigerator doors. "Aw, Frack got beers. Good boy. Want one?"
I shook my head. "It’s too early for me. AJ, I’m sorry."
He twisted the top off the bottle of beer while he watched me. "You’re apologizing to me? Why?"
"Because I let you down back in Baltimore too. I know you asked me just to be honest, and I was too stupid to listen."
He sipped his beer and shrugged. "You live, you learn, right?" He took the bag of plain potato chips out of my hand. "I just hope you learned a lot this time around."
I nodded. "Yeah, AJ. I did. I learned a lot, and Nick and I are dealing with what we have to do."
He pressed a small smile at me. "Good. I’m glad to hear it."
And that was all he said. I guess he was in a mood to make me work. Maybe all these guys had banded together and decided to give girls hell.
"Look, I’m just sorry," I said earnestly. "You and I had been talking a lot. I considered you my friend, but I know that Nick comes first. That’s fine. He comes first to me too. For the first time, in a long time, I’m even putting someone before myself. And I thought I would never do that again. If you’re still mad at me, if you hate me, then you’re just making things harder on yourself. I have decided what I want to do and where I want to be."
His mouth pressed into a straight line.
So I continued. "It’s just bizarre with you guys. When Kevin hates me, you like me. When you hate me, Kevin likes me. I don’t understand that much, but that’s okay because I get everything else now. You’re just being there for Nick, and that’s fine. But I’m gonna be here too, and if we can’t get along, then--."
"I don’t hate you, Elisa girl," he said. "I just want Nicky to be happy."
"So do I," I said.
He sipped his beer and looked at his feet then back up at me. "I was pissed because I trusted you. I went on a limb, and I never do that. You never asked me to do that. I did it on my own. I know what all you guys have been through. The last thing I’m gonna do is stand here and cause more friction."
I was almost smiling, but it sounded like he wasn’t finished.
"But," he said. "I still gonna tell you the same thing. Be honest. Be honest with him. If you lie, if you deny or pretend, it’ll be all wrong."
I nodded. "I know. I know."
"You hurt him again, and you’ll have to deal with Train and me."
I looked up him surprised, but he smiled. "And that won’t be pretty. Kev will sermon you to death, and I’ll torture you with my hats. I’ll smack you upside the head with each of them ten times. And I have a lot of hats."
I had to laugh.  "Thanks AJ," I said. "Thanks a lot. I like it when you’re in my corner."
"You’d like me in the corner?" he asked really loudly with a laugh. "What do you want me doing in the corner with you? Huh? Huh?"
"Stop it," I said closing up the bag of chips. "Why didn’t you bring your girlfriend? Why’d you come stag? Kevin doesn’t have a choice but to come stag."
He laughed. "I don’t have a girlfriend, Elisa. Why would have one girlfriend when I can have several? That would be foolish, huh?"
I shook my head at head at him. "Yeah play the field while you can. Your time will come. You’ll fall head over heels over someone."
"How do you know I haven’t already?" he asked taking a long sip of his beer.
I gave him a look. He was nothing but a tease. It was all he knew.
"And she broke your heart?" I asked. "She left you behind?"
His whole face changed, and he even looked at the floor. "It’s a long story. I’ll tell you one day. But yeah, she made a choice that changed everything for both of us."
I bit my lip as I watched him be serious for once. "Well, everyone finds their way to where they belong. Even if they get left behind, they’ll find it again."
"Again? Again? Or for the first time?"
"Again for the first time. I get the feeling Nick’s going to keep making things new all over again."
He sighed. "Well, he’s been holding out for the likes of you. God knows we’ve set him up and found him dates, but no one is ever right. No one can ever get him to--."
"Um, is it okay to come in, or should we duck?" Nick asked opening his kitchen door a couple of inches. "If you two are throwing pots and pans at each other, we’ll go back outside."
"We’re not throwing jack," AJ said flatly. "It’s your damn house, Nick."
"Yeah, and you’re talking to my girl. I only get a couple of days with her, you know," he said stepping inside with Kevin right behind him. "You’re already hitting the beer?"
AJ smiled. "Hair of the dog..."
Kevin shook his head and grabbed a bottle of water. "I’m hungry. Can we start cooking, or what?"
Nick smiled as he wrapped his arms around my waist. "You can start cooking whenever you want, Train. I bought food and beer but have no idea what to do with it."
"But eat it and drink it?" Kevin asked opening the refrigerator door and unloading the packages of meat. "What’d you do, Nick? Buy enough food for all the boy bands in Florida?’
They laughed at that one, and AJ shook his head.
"The way things are going, you’ll need way more meat than that," he said.
I held Nick’s hands in front of me and watched them. Like they had anything to actually worry about.
They didn’t worry about much the rest of the day. Nick got the grill going outside, and Kevin cooked steaks and burgers. AJ mostly sat around sipping beer and talking nonsense. I ended up back inside making a salad because otherwise, they would red-meat themselves to death. It was then that I was able to watch them.
Kevin was busily cooking the food while Nick sipped his second beer of the entire day and just talked. He sat on this little bench he had out on the deck and seemed to have a lot to say. I remembered how quiet he had been in the past. AJ was talking up a storm too, and they were laughing every couple of minutes. I wondered what it must have been like to be them. To have had so many years together in a business and in a friendship. I knew Kevin carried that friendship burden hard. Nick cherished it because he had let it go in the past. AJ was just easy with everything. He took everything in stride and never seemed to break into a sweat.
Everything made me sweat and worry. I was worlds away from AJ’s ease. I would also cherish my friendships, if I had any. And every burden was hard on me. Every, single one.
I sighed and tossed everything into a large wooden bowl as Kevin dropped some steak which ended up going to Nick’s little dog who scarffed it up happily.
Things were going to be different this time. I was going to be different this time. I had already promised myself that.

That weekend was gone in a flash of talks, dinners and moments we spent finding our way around each other.  We had both changed a lot in a year, but I think it was mostly true for him.  He was older, stronger, with a clearer sense of direction.
Sunday night we were back at the airport with him shuffling through a stack instructions for a cell phone and a beeper, a bunch of phone numbers and his touring schedule.
I frowned at him. “Do I really need all that?”
“What? You don’t want the Backstreet girlfriend prize package?  It’s worth thousands of dollars and 500 minutes free long distance with  your favorite Backstreet Boy.”
I had to laugh.
“We can straighten all of this out on the plane,” he said and glanced at his watch.  “Kev’s not here yet?”
I shook my head and looked around.  “No. Is he always late?”
“Always.”
Our plan was for the three of us to fly back to El Paso.  Nick and Kevin would pick up Kevin’s truck and drive back to Orlando just in time to catch the tour bus Wednesday night.  Nick and I would keep in touch as much as we could until I was able to catch up with him in Austin in late May.  After that, he’d go back home with me for Laura’s wedding, but then the summer was wide open.
Nick was fumbling with the cell phone when we heard a ring.
“It’s working,” he smiled and clicked it on. “Hello?”
Of course he got no answer because the one that was ringing was in his bag.
I gave him a smile and pulled it out for him. “Need this?”
“Oh yeah,” he chuckled. “Thanks.  Hello?.... Hey! .... Where are you?.... In about ten.... Yeah... Yeah.... But why?... What’s wrong, Kev?... No tell me, what’s wrong?...” He sighed really hard and grabbed my hand. “Yeah... Yeah... No, it’s okay, I’ll do it... I will... I’ll be fine... Seriously, I will be fine.... You just call me... Yeah, I’ll tell her... Bye.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as he clicked off the phone.
“Kev.  He’s not gonna come out with us. I’m gonna go ahead and pick up the truck for him. He’s putting the keys in the mail today to over-night them to your place.”
“Why isn’t he coming?”
He shook his head. “Kris twisted her ankle at one of the last shows.  She thought it was better, but it’s all swollen today, and she’s going home. Kev’s driving back to Orlando right now.”
“Well, at least he gets to see her,” I said.  “That’s good, right?”
He nodded.  “Yeah, it’s good.  I mean, he hadn’t expected to see her until she got to visit us on our tour, now they can hang out until Wednesday.  But if I know, Kristin, she won’t be too happy about having to sit out her tour.  She has to be going all the time. That girl’s more hyper than me.”
I laughed. “Really?  That must be tough to accomplish.”
He pushed me slightly so that I was squashed into the vinyl seat.  “Stop teasing me,” he said. “I’m not hyper. I’m not!”
He sent me fast into a laughing fit.
“Oh,” he stopped suddenly and threw his arm around me.  “Kev said to tell you he was sorry.  Actually, I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“Why? Because you won’t have anyone to drive back with?”
He shook his head. “I was hoping that ol’ Train and me could go take care of some unfinished business over there.  He pretty much wanted to and --.”
“Nick, don’t start,” I warned knowing he was talking about Daniel.
“Well, I’m not making any promises, Elisa.  I’m serious.  This guy better not come anywhere near us.  And if he does when I’m gone, you’d better grab one of these gadgets and call me.”
The “gadgets” were littering his lap.  All I  could do was shake my head.
“I have never had a cell phone, Nick. I’ve never needed one and--.”
“And you do now,” he said. “It’s got everything you could need. You don’t have it set on ringer when you’re at school if you don’t want to. But otherwise, it’s the fastest way we can reach each other. This is my schedule. Don’t lose it because I might, and then I’ll have to ask you for it.” He smiled. “Just keep the cell handy.  My number is programmed in there, so you can reach me whenever. Seriously, Elisa. Whenever.  Even if I’m on stage and there’s an emergency, you can reach me by the end of the show. Okay?  All right?”
I nodded.  “Yeah. Okay. All right.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “You’re going to dump all this crap when you get home, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and leaned into his shoulder. “Nope. If I did, how could I ever find you?  These gadgets are gonna keep me in  touch with my Martian.”
He laughed and started making these odd beeping noises.
“Nick,” I laughed.  “Quit it before they make you go through the metal detector again!”
“Beep! Beep... beep!” he started again, so I just moved to the empty seat next to me.  He was too weird for words sometimes.   “Beep!”
I shook my head, and they started calling for our flight back home.
 

Being at home meant a whole different atmosphere. One that I was more comfortable in, less inhibited and more likely to get caught up in him.  Kevin leaving us alone for the night somehow pushed us physically closer together than we had been in Tampa.  And there were times that I didn’t want to stop kissing, much less touching him.
“Wanna wait?” he asked early Monday morning when I should have been in the shower, and he should have been resting for the drive to Orlando that night.
I had to pull my lips away from his mouth and untangle my body from his.
“No,” I said honestly.  “You’re leaving tonight, and I won’t see you again until May.”
“Yeah, but,” he started and took a deep breath.  “But I don’t want you to have second thoughts, regrets or anything like that. If you’re not ready then...,” he stopped and just kissed me instead.  “Let’s just wait.”
I closed my eyes. “Wait for what?”
“To see what happens,” he said and reached over to turn on the lamp.  “Let’s just wait.  We’ve never done this before. We’ve only just been here. Not me gone and you here.  I don’t want to leave here tonight and have you doubting what we’ve decided to do--.”
“I don’t have doubts,” I said glancing at the clock. It was already six.
“Well, you might later,” he said.  “I don’t want anything to ruin the fact that we are right here, right now. Okay?”
I still couldn’t believe he was true.  He was the real thing.
“Yeah, okay. What are you gonna do today?” I asked starting off the bed. “I have to get to work.”
“Sleep,” he said hugging the pillow. “I have a long drive tonight and tomorrow.      I’ll be here.  Waiting for you.”
I shook my head.  “Honey, you’d better not wait in this bed or I’ll come home and change your mind about waiting.”
He laughed and glanced up.  The light hit those too blue eyes, I almost decided to change his mind right then.
“I’d better go,” I said. “Sleep a lot, and I’ll bring dinner.”
“Call me. Test the cell, okay?”
“Okay,” I bent down to kiss his one last time.  “Bye.”
“Bye.”
 

I don’t remember  much of that school day. I know I was there physically. Mentally, is a whole other lost cause.
I don’t really think anyone could blame me, and if they did, I wouldn’t care.  I was finding my way back to the only real happiness I had ever known, and no one way was anything going to put a damper on my high spirits.
That afternoon, I rushed out of school without a second thought, grabbed some takeout from a good Chinese place and raced home.
“Hey!” he greeted at the door when I got off the car.
“Hey. How are you? Did you sleep?”
He nodded.  “That’s all I did, girl. I’m starved. You got food?”
“Yes, I got food. But I’d like a kiss or something, you know? I mean, I just worked all day long, and the least that I deserve is--.”
He pushed up against the wall and dunked me into a long, wet, crazy kiss.  Then he kissed me again, and then again.
“Want me to slobber you some more?” he asked letting me come up for air.
“Please?” I asked and puckered up at him.
He gave me a little peck on the lips and pulled the large bag of food out of my hands.  “I missed you today. I already got used to seeing you all day, everyday. I don’t know what I’m going to do while I’m gone.”
I sighed and followed him inside. I had been thinking the same thing as I drove home from the restaurant.
“I know. What am I supposed to do when you’re not here?”
“You’re supposed to call me,” he said.  “You’re supposed to pick up that expensive cell phone and call me. You didn’t even try it today, did you?”
Of course I hadn’t. I had completely forgotten that I owned the little gadget.
“Um, it was stuck at the bottom of my purse, and I couldn’t find it,” was my lame excuse. “I was going to call you but--.”
“But what?” he laughed. “Don’t tell me. You forgot?”
I nodded, and he shook his head at me.
“I had a lot of paperwork to catch up on after being gone so long,” I said, and it was the truth. “The kids were worried that I wasn’t going to come back.”
He was taking the containers of food out of the bag and setting them on the dinner table.
“Did you tell them that you almost didn’t? That next year you’ll be teaching in Tampa?” he asked popping open the hot and sour soup.  He made a face. “What’s this?”
“Nick, you have to try new food,” I said. “You can’t just--.”
He leaned down, kissed me quickly and put down the container. “Don’t start. Don’t start acting like Kevin on me telling me what to do.  And I’m not eating that.”
Of course he wasn’t, so I pushed it toward my side of the table. “Did you call him already? Tell him we got here okay?”
“Yeah,” he said. “He actually called my cell. Unlike some people, he knows what cell phones are for, Elisa.”
I shook my head and went to the kitchen to wash my hands and grab some forks and spoons.
“... teaching in Tampa, right?” he was saying when I got back to the dining room.
“I didn’t hear you. What’d you say?”
“I said, that you know I’m serious about you teaching in Tampa, right?”
Really, I hadn’t given his comment another thought, and I refused to give it any now.
“I’m pretty happy where I am,” I said sitting down at the table.  “Why?”
He sat down next to me and gave me the sad puppy dog look.  “Because I live in Tampa. Why do you want to live here, when I live there?”
I grabbed the soup he quickly refused and reopened the still-steaming container. “Honey, let’s not talk about any of that right now. Right now, I have to get it through my head that you’re taking off tonight, and that I won’t see you for months.”
“But if you moved to Tampa--.”
“If I moved to Tampa, it would still be the same thing. You’d still be on tour, and you wouldn’t be there.  Let’s just eat and have some peace, Nick. I don’t want to talk about moving or about you not being here. That’s hard enough already.”
He looked down at the table for a second then nodded. “Yeah okay.  That’s fine.”
“Good,” I said and grabbed my spoon to eat.
“But you know I’ll convince you.  You know I will,” he said as he inspected his plate.  “Geez, I’m gonna have to stop at McDonalds.”
“Nick, that’s chicken and vegetables,” I told him.  “It’s good, just try it.”
He smiled in spite of himself. “You sound like a teacher.”
“I am a teacher.”
He giggled.  “You’re frowning at me.”
“I am not.” He was just trying to make me laugh.
“You were,” he said. “You did like this.” And he seriously tried to frown but ended up laughing in spite of himself.
I laughed. He was so easy. And it had been so long since I just laughed and felt happy around someone, anyone.
He choked down his dinner, and we sat on the couch together for a long time.  He planned to drive to Kentucky over the next two days and get Kevin. He’d spend some time with him, and then they’d drive out to Florida and be back on the tour bus for another night’s drive.  At least, he’d be used to traveling at night and sleeping during the day.
“I spent all day here remembering stuff,” he said as the clock approached ten. That was his departure time.
“What stuff?”
“All the stuff,” he said, and I heard the smile in his voice.  “I remember when I first woke up on this couch wondering where the hell I was.  I was thinking I had finally been kidnapped by some crazy fan like that guy in Misery. Did you ever see that movie?”
“Nope,” I said. “I read the book.”
“We should watch the movie then,” he said. “AJ and me watched it once and got really freaked because it seemed so real.  People do get that crazy sometimes.”
I squeezed his hand in mine. “Don’t tell me stories about crazy people right now. I’m trying not to think about all the stuff you’re gonna be exposed to when you’re on the road. Drunk drivers.  Crazed fans. Horny fans.”
He laughed really hard at that and sat up. “Hey. Hey, that’s not something you have to worry about, okay?”
“Okay,” I said.
“No. No wait. Look at me. Seriously,” he said and waited until I did look at him. “I will not be unfaithful to you. Not once.  Besides, we don’t pick up fans. We just don’t. It’s too dangerous for them and for us.  But if you and me are going to do this, Elisa, we’re going to do this right.  And I’m not going to screw it up over a one-night stand.”
I nodded and pulled my gaze away from his luminous eyes. “I was teasing you.”
“Better be,” he said softly. “I’d hate for you start having doubts. I don’t have doubts.”
“I don’t have doubts. I was serious about the drunk drivers and the crazy fans, but I don’t have doubts about you.  I know you could be with any other girl in the whole world, and you’ve decided to be with me.  That’s not lost on me, Nick. I trust your judgment. The fact that you think that we can make it.”
“And we can,” he said seriously. “I know we can. And don’t think that I’m not going to be worried about you being here alone. It was one thing when Laura was with you, but now you’re all alone.  And if that guy--.”
“Daniel will not do anything,” I said. “I know him. He’s a coward, and Kevin already scared him. Please don’t go back to that.”
He sighed and kissed the side of my head.  “I haven’t stopped going back to that. I wasn’t just wanting you to move to Tampa so you’d be closer to me. I wanted you to be farther away from him.”
I held on to his middle and sighed. “So we’re both worried, Nick. I’m worried about how exposed you are, and--.”
“And I’m worried about how exposed you are,” he said.  “That’s why you need to use the cell phone. Understand? Keep me sane, Elisa. Please.”
“I will keep you sane, honey.  You just keep yourself safe.”
He chuckled. “We have plenty of security for that. And when the security fails, I have Kevin. He still takes care of me.”
“Aren’t you a lucky boy?”
“Yeah,” he giggled. “I am.  But not because of him, because of you.  You are back in my life, and that’s the one thing I’ve been wanting to happen since I left this place. “ He sighed. “It’s been so long.”
I didn’t say anything because it seemed like an eternity of misery to me.
We sat in silence holding each other until I saw the clock on the VCR turn to 10:00.
And even then, we were both still.
“’Lisa, it’s time,” he said softly at 10:07.
“I know,” I said pulling myself off of him.  “I’m going to miss you.”
He leaned forward and kissed me.  I closed my eyes and gave myself away to his entire mouth hoping somehow, he’d never stop though I knew he had to.  His hand were quickly around my waist, and mine had easily found their way around his broad shoulders and into his hair.
He pulled me closer and closer to him until I was sitting in his lap kissing his mouth like I was eating desert without a spoon.
I made myself stop and sank into his arms instead and hid my face in his neck.  He held me tightly then let go with a sigh.
“I’d better go, or I never will.”
I climbed off him and pulled his hand up with me.
“Here, let’s check your phone,” he said taking it from the table where I dumped it when I walked in.  He turned it on, pulled his out from his bag and dialed.
A soft ringing filled the air.
“It works,” he said. “Answer it.”
I smiled at him and took my little, gray phone of his hand. “Hello?”
“Hi, it’s me,” he said smiling at me. “I have to go now.”
“Okay,” I said. “Be careful and drive safe. Remember to call me when you get there.”
“Okay,” he said and grabbed his bag. “Can I have another kiss before I go?”
“Okay,” I said.  “Can I talk to you while you drive over there?”
“Okay,” he said. “But what if I don’t let you sleep all night?  I‘m gonna drive until I‘m tired in the morning.”
“I don’t care if I don‘t sleep.”
He smiled at me and kissed me. It was funny to feel his mouth on mine and hear the noises in my ear.
“Bye sweetie,” I said when we hugged one last time at the door.
He smiled and climbed into his truck with his phone at his ear the whole time. “Okay. I’m like driving all night today, but I’m gonna stop at McDonalds right now. It‘s true that Chinese food makes you want to eat again right away.”
I laughed and watch the lights come on while he started the old truck.  Then engine made a funny noise then seemed to purr.
Nick laughed.
“Are you sure you’re gonna make it in that thing?” I asked.  I squinted and saw him strap on his seat belt.
“Yeah. Kevin bets his life on it. That’s why he’s never gotten rid of it.  It’ll be fine.  I’d better go.”
I sighed and waved at him one last time. “Bye. I’ll miss you.”
“Bye. I love you,” his voice said clearly into my ear.
“I love you too,” I said. “You’d better go before I change my mind and don’t let you go anywhere.”
“Okay. Well, close the door and lock it, and then I’ll drive away.”
“Nick, I want to watch you drive away.”
“Elisa. I want to make sure that door is locked when I drive away, okay? Lock the door.”
I eyed him from the porch, so he rolled down the window and stuck his head out of the truck.
“Lock the door,” he yelled at me.  “I’m serious.”
I tried not to laugh too hard. “Okay honey. Bye.”
“Bye!” he called, and I closed the door on him.
And he drove away.
We stayed on the phone for the first few hours, and I kept him company.  He kept telling me to go to bed, but I was actually worried about him being on the road by himself all night like that.
Cell phones were handy things, and that night, I even figured out they had call waiting.
“Hang on. I got a call,” he said around two that morning.
“Okay,” I said stifling a yawn.
We had been talking about the silliest things. He had been telling me about how him and AJ had spent last Thanksgiving together.  Apparently, he didn’t remember much of it, but he said it was fun.
And I knew that part of him needed that sort of thing. He was barely past twenty-one and had never done the regular, normal guy thing. He had worked since he was kid. When he wasn’t working, he had been involved with me.  Him sowing some wild oats with AJ seemed relatively harmless.
When he came back on the line he was laughing.
“What?” I asked.
“That was Kev,” he laughed some more.  “He’s flying to Austin in the morning to drive back with me. He felt bad about leaving me alone to drive the truck.”
“I’m glad,” I said.  “I don’t like you driving alone either.”
“Why?” he asked that playful tone in his voice. “Think I’ll pick up a hitchhiker? Wait. Hang on. I see a guy with a blood-covered t-shirt, holding an ax and trying to thumb a ride. Should I stop?”
I avoided even letting that thought through my brain. “Nick,” I protested.  “You’d better stop playing.”
He laughed. “I’m almost there, just a few hours more. Why don’t you get some sleep? I know you’ll have to be up in like four hours, and you need to rest.”
“Nick, are you sure?”
“I’m sure,” he said. “I slept all day, and I am not sleepy.  I’ll call you in the morning. Or you call me on your way to work or something.”
“What if you’re asleep?”
He laughed. “Then I’ll be happy to wake up and get the phone.  Bye ‘Lisa.”
“Bye Nick.”
He actually hung up this time.
I didn’t bother moving from the couch and fell right to sleep.
 

Nick was funny.
He and Kevin called me on their drive from Austin to Kentucky and talked senselessly about everything in the world.  They were something else together.
It didn’t surprise me that their relationship had developed the way it had. Nick was the kind of person who would take back anyone who hurt him. But his age made me wonder how much longer he was going to be able to keep that up.
“Look under your book,” Nick was saying.
“Why?”
“Just look,” he said.
I picked up my novel from my nightstand to find a scrap of paper with small drawing of some flowers.  At the bottom it read:  Love, Nick.
I laughed. “Thank you. That’s sweet.”
“You’re welcome,” he said, and I could hear his grin.
“What’d you do, Frack?” I heard Kevin ask.
“Nothing. Shut up and mind the road,” Nick said.
“I’ll mind you, boy.”
I shook my head and looked at the delicately drawn daisies.
“I left more,” he said. “You’re going to have to find them.”
“Nick, you were leaving little papers around my house?  You were supposed to be sleeping,” I scolded while he laughed.
“I did sleep,” he said. “But I thought you might not miss me as much this way. This way, when you found the one under the toilet, you’d laugh and think about me.”
“You put one under the toilet?”
“Um-huh,” he said.  “But that’s the only one I’m going to tell you about.”
“Toilet?” I heard Kevin repeat.
I had to laugh. “Yeah, I’ll start looking today. You guys okay? Did you eat?”
“Yeah. We ate. I won the coin toss, and we got burgers.” He chuckled. “Kevin wanted some Thai food or something yucky.”
“It’s not yucky. You haven’t even tried it,” Kevin said.
“And I’m gonna keep it that way, okay? Watch the road.”
“He’d better keep his eyes on the road,” I told him. “What time do you guys get to Lexington?”
He sighed. “God only knows. He’s taking me through the back roads, so we can see the sights.  Hopefully, the bus won’t leave us.”
“The bus won’t leave us,” Kevin said. “Elisa, tell him to stop being such a baby.”
“I like you being a baby,” I said.
Nick laughed. “She likes me being a baby.”
“Ugh, tell her she spends too much time with kids already.”
I laughed at that and sighed. “I have a lot of work today, honey. I’d better go. Call me when you get there.”
“Sure,” he said. “I will. But we’re fine. Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “Nope. I miss you.”
“I miss you too. Already.”
I fingered the flowers in my little paper while he sighed.
“It’ll be May before you know it,” he said.
“I hope so.”
“It will. Get your work done. Eat some dinner. And call me to tell me good night,” he said. “Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. Bye Nicky. Say bye to Kevin and tell him to drive safe.”
“I will.  Bye.”
Day one. I told myself. Day one and it already hurt.
 

Day one melted into day two, three, four, week two, week three and it was finally a month.  A month after spring break, we had a four-day Easter break.  I spent most of that on the phone with Nick while he tried to convince me to go visit him on tour. But Laura’s wedding was getting closer, and I had a lot of stuff to do with her.
He was somewhere in the Midwest, and I had found twelve little scraps of papers with flowers drawn on them. He said there were a “bunch” more, but he    wouldn’t tell me how many.
“Ms. Vazquez, can I talk to you?”
I already had my bag in my hand when Mr. Conrad, the school principal, stepped into my classroom the next day.
Shit.
“Sure,” I said and smiled.
He gave me a pathetic look though, and that worried me. I would have been more at ease if  he looked angry.  I wondered if I had been that out of it, if he could really tell something was going on with me.  That I was that caught up in Nick.
“Well, it’s about one of your students,” he said and sighed. “One of your kids was in a serious car accident over the break.”
“What?” My mind was already racing through my kids’ names while I tried to pinpoint who had been absent.  Of course I had no clue. Of course, I was off just thinking about myself.
He looked down at the shiny floor and nodded. “Yeah. They were coming back from a trip to Dallas, and a drunk driver ran them off the road..”
“What?  But who? Are they okay? Is the family--?”
He shook his head and gave me a sad look.  “It’s David‘s family, and it‘s pretty serious.  Mom‘s the worst off, and David and Dad have both just been upgraded to serious but stable.”
I felt myself actually recover my breath.  “But... but... What did they...? Is his mom gonna...?”
He shrugged.  “It’s come and go right now. His mom was thrown out of the vehicle even though she was wearing a seat belt.   The driver was on the wrong side of the road, and the dad plowed into a stalled semi truck on the side of the road to avoid the hit.”
I swallowed hard.  Little David. He was a crazy, intense, smart talkative kid who always seemed to smile.
“I’m on my way to the hospital now, if you want to come,” he said.  “I just thought the rest of the family should know we’re with them.”
I nodded without giving it a thought. “Yeah.  I’ll follow you over there.”
“Okay. I’m just going to lock up my office, and I’ll meet you in the parking lot.”
I nodded and swallowed hard. Facing David’s family was not going to be easy.
He pressed a smile at me. “This is part of the job, Elisa. Sometimes, kids have really bad situations that become part of our lives. Be careful letting it affect you.   Come talk to me if things get too bad for you. Remember that my door’s always open.”
I nodded again and again. “Yeah. Yeah, okay. Thanks for that.”
He patted my arm and made his way back out the door without saying another word.
And I sat there letting it wash over me.  My kids had always been what got me through everything. I let them fill that void in my life left by Nick. They were like a happy security blanket that I got to hold for six hours a day.  And I was very much conscious of how much I put into their lives, but I was never prepared for that.
 

“What’s wrong?” Nick asked on the phone late that night.
I usually called him every afternoon on my way home from school, but I had even forgotten to turn on the phone as I drove to the hospital.  And on the way home, my head swam with a million thoughts of David unconscious in a hospital bed for God only knew how much longer.  And when he did wake up, it might be to a totally different world.
“Nothing,” I said.
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not. Don’t accuse me of stuff.”
He sighed and lowered his voice. “Listen, I know something‘s going on.  We promised not to worry each other, so tell me.  What’s going on? What’s wrong? I know your tone of voice already.  Something happen?”
And I knew he had inherited or contracted that tendency to worry from Kevin, so I had to tell him.
“One of my kids was in a bad car accident over the break,”  I said.  “A drunk ran them off the road, and his mother is in critical condition.  His dad‘s doing just a little bit better.”
“What?”
And that was everyone’s reaction. No one could really believe and eight-year old could be handed a raw deal like that.
“David‘s in the hospital, and his mom almost died on the side of the road. His dad‘s in critical condition too, and no one even knows if he‘ll make it,” I said.
“Oh ‘Lisa, I’m sorry. Is he...? I mean, is he...?”
“Gonna die?” I finished for him.  “I don‘t know, honey, but it doesn‘t look good.”
He took a second to speak again. “I’m sorry. I know that those kids are a very big deal to you, and this must be very hard.”
My eyes filled for the first time that day, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. “He’s a good kid, Nick. Some crazy, stupid drunk just ran them off the road like they didn’t even matter.”
He sighed. “I know. I know it’s senseless, and I’m sorry.  I wish there was something I could do. I wish I could be there with you right now.”
So did I, but I wasn’t about to say anything.
“I just wish you weren’t on that damn bus every night,” I muttered. “See how quickly things happen? See how easily life changed for that whole family?”
“Yeah, I know, but that’s not gonna happen to us.”
“And how do you know that?” I said actually feeling my heart thud.  Since that afternoon, all I could think about was Nick on that dark road.  What was to stop some stupid drunk from changing his whole life as well?
“I don’t know that,” he said softly.  “But I have to have faith that it won’t.  Listen, don’t start freaking out and worrying about me because of what happened to him. We are going to be fine.  One more month of this, and we’ll be Austin.  I’ll be able to see you.”
I nodded though I was on the phone.  Before David’s accident, seeing Nick was all I really wanted. Now, I wasn’t sure even that would made me feel better.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“Yeah. I’m fine.  I guess I just feel scared now. Scared for him. Scared for you. Just scared, Nick.”
He sighed.  “I don’t want you to be scared for me. I’m fine. Everything is fine.  I’m fine.  If you start worrying, you’ll just make me feel bad for making you worry.”
I closed my eyes just as the first tears squeezed through.  “Yeah, I’m sorry,” I said and cleared my throat. “I don’t want you to worry. I’ll be fine. Everything will be fine.”
“Can’t Laura come stay with you?  It‘s not a good idea for you to be alone right now.”
“I haven’t told her anything about David. She’s busy enough with the wedding.  I don’t want to worry her with my crap. Besides, I’m fine. It’s his family that can’t sleep. His uncles and aunts haven’t left the hospital since it happened. I just came home after spending a few minutes with them. I’m fine.”
“Did you eat?”
“Yes,” I lied. “Did you?”
“I always eat,” he said. “Bri got us some burgers because the other guys went out.”
“You didn’t?”
“No. Why would I go out?  I just wanted to talk to you, especially after you didn’t call me this afternoon.   And the funny part is that I made myself not worry. I figured you were just busy, or that you had a meeting,” he half laughed. “The one time I don’t worry is when something is wrong.”
“I’m fine,” I said again.  “Really. And listen, if you want to go out with the guys, that’s fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you going out for a couple of beers. Don’t feel like you have come check in with me every night. I trust you.”
“”Lisa!” he protested. “Why would I want to go out with them when I can talk to you? I used to go out with them all the time. When we weren’t traveling at night, we were always at some club, or at some party. But that never got my anything but drunk. I don’t like doing stupid stuff like that. All I’d ever do when I did that was...,” he trailed off then he half laughed. “Never mind.”
“What?” I leaned back on my pillow and looked at the twentieth picture I found that morning in my shoe box. “What’d you do when you got drunk?”
“I would babble on and on about you,” he said with a smile in his voice. “I don’t remember any of it, but AJ and Howie always told me. Once I was drunk, I was always talking about you. Then one time...,” he laughed again.  “Then once I did it with Kevin, and I actually started bawling. I don’t know if it was because it was him, but I just had this meltdown, and he had to bring me home.  He still doesn’t let me live it down.”
I smiled in spite of myself because I had done my share of crying for him. I didn’t even have to get drunk to do it either.
“How is Kevin?” I asked.
“He’s fine.  He went out with the guys.”
“He did?”
“Yeah,” he said. “Kev does that all the time. Kris doesn’t mind either.  So he just goes and partys.”
That was odd. I always figured Kevin was back at the hotel on the phone all night just like Nick and Brian.
“It’s nothing,” Nick said protectively. “There’s nothing wrong with having a couple of beers with the guys. You said so yourself.”
“Yeah, I did,” I admitted. “But honey, we’re not married, and that makes everything different.”
“Well, it does, but Kev’s the same guy. And he’s happy with Kris, so nothing will happen.”
“Does she know he goes out?”
He took a long time to answer. “Yeah, I think so.”
“Sure,” I said knowing his lying cues, taking time to answer was definitely one of them.  “I hope he’s just careful.”
“It’s fine, Elisa. Nothing’s gonna happen, and Kev’s not gonna mess around on his wife just because he’s out at a club,” he said assuredly.    “Trust me.”
“I trust you, Nick.  And I trust him too. It’s the girls I worry about,” I said. “But Kevin’s an adult, and he knows what he’s doing.”
“Definitely,” Nick said and yawned.
It was nearly three in the morning, and this is how just about how it always was. We talked well into the night, and then I had to face the day a few hours later.
“I’d better go. It’s late.”
“And you need to rest,” he said. “Me too.”
“Okay well, be careful when you travel tomorrow.”
“We’ll be fine,” he said then laughed. “I think they’re back. I can hear laughing in the hallway.”
I heard it too. It was that loud or he had opened the door.
“I’d better go,” he said.  “I’ll call you in the morning, so don’t forget to turn your phone on.”
“Okay. Are they okay?”
He laughed again. “AJ just crashed on my bed. But I think so. They’re fine.  I’ll talk to you later.”
“Okay. I love you,” I told him.
“I love you too. And Elisa?”
“What?”
“Stop worrying,” he said. “It’s gonna be fine.”
 
 

His words didn’t make it so. The next four weeks dragged with me missing him sorely, Laura rushing me through wedding plans things with David getting slightly better.
“Are you going to see that kid everyday after school?” Laura asked while we went to one of her fittings.
“Yeah,” I said glancing around the fancy room full of mirrors.
“And he’s getting better?”
I nodded. “He’ll be released in about to two weeks. His dad’s actually going home pretty soon. And his mom seems to be getting better.”
“Is she gonna walk?”
I shrugged. “God only knows.”
The place was full of bridal magazines, and up until then, I had avoided even looking through any of them. I had always hated weddings, and Laura knew it. But she was my sister, and there was nothing I could do to get out of this one.
“How are things with Blondie?”
“Good,” I smiled. “He sounds really good.   I’ll finally get to go see him after this week. I just have to get through the last day of school until I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, I bet.  Are you going to finish out the tour with him?”
I fingered the lace samples on the wall. “Yeah. It’s just Austin, Dallas, San Antonio and a couple of dates in Florida, then we come home for the wedding.”
My sister gave me a funny look.
“What? You’re ready, right? Did you need anything from me?” I asked trying to read her. “My dress fits me.  I have my shoes, your gift, and we’ve already had the family and the friends shower.  Did I forget something?”
She gave me a tiny smile. “Um, no just my bachelorette party.”
I had to laugh. “Yeah. There’ll be time for that. Don’t even worry. Want Kevin to strip for you? He’s a married guy, but I remember how you two hit it off and--.”
“Your gown is ready,” the little old lady called bringing it out to us.  “If you’ve gained or lost weight, there is still time to fix it, okay? But not anymore after that.”
The dress was beautiful: long, shimmering fabric but an easy, simple design.  Laura was deep in a girly shriek when my phone rang.
“Oh my God, Ellie! Look at it! It’s beautiful. It’s prefect!”
“Um-huh. Yeah,” I said as I dug through my purse for the tiny phone.  “Hello?”
“Hey! Hey Elisa girl. What are you doing?”
I stopped feeling pretty unsure of who was calling.  “Nick?”
“Nopes.”
Only Laura, Nick and the principal had my phone number, so I had no idea who it could be.
“Hello?” the raspy male voice called.
“Um, hello? Who is this?”
“It’s me!” he said like I should know him.
I wasn’t one to play phone games. “Me who? Listen, you’d better tell me, or I’m going to hang up.”
“Aw, c’mon! It’s better if you guess.”
I gave him another second.
“C’mon guess.”
“No, I’m gonna hang up,” I began.  “So--.”
“No. No, no, no. Wait. If you want to know who this is, why don’t you open the door?”
“What door? Listen, just get off my phone already.”
Laura stopped gushing over her dress and looked at me worriedly.
“Geez. You are really zero fun. I can’t even believe that you won’t open the door to reveal your surprise, Elisa girl.”
Elisa girl?
Only one person called me that. I ran straight to the door practically knocking over some other poor girl there to look at dresses.  I yanked open the door of the tiny bridal boutique to find him.  To find Nick standing before me with a huge smile on his face.
“Oh my God, what are you doing here?”
He blinked up at the ribbons and mannequins wearing the fancy, white gowns.
“Um, the question is, what are you doing here?” he asked with a tiny smirk on his face.  “Are you proposing to me?”
I laughed really hard for what seemed like the first time in a very long time.  He pulled me up into his arms and gave me the best hug in the entire world. The only one that I ever truly needed.
“No. I am not proposing to you. I am just here with my sister,” I said when he finally put me down.  “What are you--?”
“Excuse me,” someone said loudly. Apparently, she was trying to get around us and into the shop.
“Sorry,” Nick told her and finally made his way inside.  “I came to see you. We start the Texas dates tomorrow, so Bone and me took a plane down here to visit.  Aren’t you happy to see us?”
I squeezed his hand in mine. “I am more than happy to see you.  Are you crazy? And you brought AJ with you? Where he is?”
He looked curiously toward the door.  “He was right behind--.”
“... have to be really sure if you’re gonna tie the knot,” he walked in telling some girl.  “I mean, weddings are forever.”
She gave him a tired smile. “The wedding is not forever. The marriage is.  Excuse me.”
He gave me and Nick a shrug then a smile. “Hi Elisa. I guess we don’t have to worry about you talking to strangers on the phone.”
“Hey AJ,” I greeted giving him a hug.  “How are you?  And what are you doing here?  Are you two crazy?”
“Frack’s crazy. I’m just along for the ride to get off the bus for a bit. We’re flying to Dallas tomorrow morning, right?”
Nick nodded. “Yeah. We’re meeting the guys at the hotel.” He smiled brightly at me.  “I just couldn’t wait anymore to see you.”
I leaned into him and hung on hard.  He had just made my whole life better.
AJ was looking around like he had just found the fourth dimension.  “Wow. Check this out. It’s ball and chain heaven.”
He got a dirty look from one of the customers.
“Sorry,” he said and smiled at us. “But it is.”
“My sister’s getting married,” I explained. “How’d you know I’d be here?”
“Well,” Nick smiled. “I remember you telling me what you’d be doing.  So when we didn’t find you at home, I just figured it out.  Is Laura all ready for the big date?”
“Yeah,” I said and started pulling him further inside. “She’s trying on her dress. She probably thinks I forgot all about her.”
She was just stepping out of the dressing room when we got there. The effortless, shimmering dress fitted her perfectly.
“Wow!” Nick called out to her. “Look at that loud-mouthed girl.  She cleans up good.”
She pulled her gaze away from the mirror and flashed him a smile.  “Wow! Look at the drunken pop star we found passing out in a gay bar.”
AJ cackled hard, and Nick’s eyes widened in surprise.
“Shhhhh!” he told her.  “Or I’ll take back my compliment.”
Laura pushed her hair off her shoulders and eyed him. “That was a compliment, Nicky?”
He returned her look and added his best, brightest, no contest smile.
“Oh no! It’s the attack of the pearly whites,” she grinned and stepped away from the mirrors to us. “How are you?”
He hugged her careful of her dress.  “I’m good. I’m back, so I’m really good.” He let go and studied her with another smile. “You look great, Laura. Congratulations.”
“Thank you, Nick.  It’s nice to see you.”
“Damn!” AJ hissed. “You mean you do have a sister? And she’s getting married? I thought we were friends, Elisa girl.”
I had to laugh as I pulled him closer to us. “This is AJ.  AJ, this is Laura.  Yeah, she’s getting married and leaving me behind.”
Laura shook his hand and gave me a sympathetic look. “I don’t think you’ll miss me too much. You’re in good company.”
Nick slipped his arm around me.  “The big date’s in two weeks, huh?”
She nodded. “And I know you’ll be here, right? You can bring TJ too.”
Nick and I started laughing.
“AJ!” AJ protested.  “Smarty dress.”
The little old lady was waving Laura down to get her attention and make the last few alterations on the dress.
“She hasn’t changed,” Nick said.  “Your crazy sister.”
“Let’s wait outside,” I told them knowing just how much guys hated that type of thing.  AJ grabbed one of the magazines.
“I swear I saw her at Howie’s club,” he said pointing at the cover model. “I remember this chick.”
Nick pulled my hand as we headed to the dark, gray Explorer they rented.
“You came without security?” I asked.
“Yeah. I’ve never had a problem here,” he said looking around.  “Why? Are there three thousand screaming girls behind me?”
“No,” I said. “There had better not be.”
He smiled and bent down to kiss my cheek. “You know what the funny thing is?”
“What?”
“If you met any of the fans, you’d probably like them. You’d probably be out there talking up a storm to them because all they really are is girls, just girls.”
I smiled and leaned back against the truck.  “You’re probably right.”
AJ was still leafing through the bridal magazine and watching women find their way into the store.
“I’m gonna stand out here and protest marriage,” he said in a determined tone of voice.  “Look at all these beautiful women just throwing it all away to be with one guy. One.  One guy who is not me.”
Nick laughed.
“What’s wrong with marriage, AJ? Why are you protesting?” I asked as Nick hopped up on the hood of the truck then pulled me up as well.
“Well, it’s a sham,” he said with a shrug. “Why would anyone willingly give away their independence, their free will and their sanity.”
Nick grinned and leaned back on his palms. “AJ’s strange philosophies.”
“AJ, love’s not a sham. You don’t give up all those things when you fall in love,” I said. “I can’t believe you’d say that.”
“He’s just been burned,” Nick said softly.
“I have not,” AJ protested and let the magazine fall to the ground. “I’m just wiser.”
“I thought I was wiser too,” I said.  “I thought I was very smart by being alone and not needing anyone.  It was easier to push everyone away than to get hurt.  All that got me was lonely.” I shrugged.
AJ looked up at us then pushed up his shades. “And what? Baby Bozo here changed all that for you?  He completed you?”
I laughed as Nick sat forward, slipped his arms around my waist and leaned his chin into my shoulder.
“Um, yes and no.  Nick was just the guy willing to stick around long enough for me to decide. I was the one who realized I didn’t just want to be alone. I didn’t want my whole life to pass me by while I just protected myself.  I was just lucky he waited.”
Nick kissed my cheek again, and AJ shook his head.
“You should write greeting cards or mushy love soap operas or something,” he said.  “Love is a pretty lie.”
“Shut up, Bone,” Nick said.
“Sorry buddy, but it is.  You guys are happy, and maybe it’s because you both believe the lie. I just hope it stays that way forever.”
I stared at him as he seemed really detached, and I guess I couldn’t blame him. It really wasn’t like I hadn’t been there before.
“Hey,” Laura greeted finally coming out. “So, what are we doing with you boys today?”
“Well,” AJ began. “You can lather me up, scrub me down and--.”
“Bone,” Nick scolded. “She’s getting married. Leave her alone.”
Laura grinned at AJ. “How’s dinner sound for you?”
“Dinner sounds spectacular if I’m eating it off your bare stomach and...,” he was saying as Laura just started laughing and led him toward her car.
“He just heard his ex is going out with someone else,” Nick said as he slid off the truck and helped me down.  “I think it hit him pretty hard because he was always hoping to get back with her.”
“How long has it been?”
“Like six months. I really wanted to come here on my own, but I didn’t want to leave him behind. He’s pretty bummed just going out drinking alone because Howie won’t baby-sit him.”
“He doesn’t?”
Nick shook his head. “And ‘D has a point, you know? He says he doesn’t like watching Jay self-destruct. He doesn’t do it a lot, but he gets pretty bad when he’s lonely. I just brought him with me so he wouldn’t be tempted to go out alone.”
“You’re a good friend,” I told him.
“Um, hang on. What’s that I hear?” he asked pulling me closer to him.
“What?”
“It’s silence,” he said. “We’re alone.”
I had to laugh as he ducked into my face and we kissed.  Those last couple of months suddenly seemed like a couple of days as I found my way around his incredible mouth.
“I missed you,” he said between kisses. “Even if I talked to you everyday, I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” I said. “A lot more than I thought I would.  I’ve been counting the hours till Austin.  We‘re like at thirty-six.”
He laughed, and I sank back into his mouth not wanting to waste any time talking to him just then. We had done enough talking on the phone.
“Hey!”
There was honk, and I knew Laura had brought the car around.  AJ was practically hanging out if it with a sneer.
“I’m hungry!” he yelled.
Laura honked again.
I detached myself and smiled at Nick.  “I’m glad you brought him. We should all go dancing.”
“I was hoping you’d say that,” he said.
Laura picked some new, fancy restaurant downtown, and she and AJ talked the whole time while we ate.
 

Though it was a school night, we ended up at the OP. It was just me with the both of them since Laura wasn’t willing to risk getting in trouble with Paul.  AJ was quick to drag us to the bar and start passing out drinks.
“I have to work,” I told him when he pushed shot glass over to me.
“So do we,” he said. “Tomorrow morning, we get on a plane, get to Dallas, rehearse, do interviews and get ready for the show Saturday night. And face the eyebrows,” he said raising his eyebrows at me dramatically.
“Kevin?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Nick said inspecting the shot glass. “He gave us a hard time about doing this. He said we needed to do the tour just like everyone else.”
“Like it’s the same for everyone,” AJ spat. “He has his wife with him.”
“And Bri too,” Nick said. “Howie’s happy being on his own, so we’re just left on our own.   And we just decided to come. I don’t see the big deal.”
“Everything’s a big deal to him,” AJ said. “Always has been, always will be. You can have this one shot with us, Elisa girl. It’s early. You can dance it off with Nicky here in a bit.”
Nick nodded. “Yeah. We’ll be good after this, I promise.  Please?”
Like I could ever tell him no.
“That a girl,” AJ said when I started pulling the limes toward me.  “What are drinking to?”
“How’s us?” Nick asked.
AJ frowned. “All of us?”
“All of us,” Nick said placing an arm around him and around me.  “All of us having just a good time.  Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Here’s to you guys. You amazing guys.”
“Aw thanks,” AJ gushed.
“And you amazing girl,” Nick smiled.
We danced and kissed. Kissed and dance, but I noticed that Nick always had an eye on AJ.
“You’re worried about him?” I asked watching him hit up on a really tall, beautiful girl who was actually laughing.
Nick smiled and looked at the floor for a second. “I’m returning the favor, I guess. Not too long ago, that was me.  I was drinking too much, picking up girls, and just being lonely.”
“What girls?” I asked grabbing on to his waist.  “You mean there were girls?”
He laughed into my ear. “Yeah, some. But somehow, AJ always dragged me home. He never left me alone in any of those places or with any of those girls. He was saving me for you,” he said with a laugh.
“AJ loves me,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said. “He does. But I just feel like I owe him--.”
“It’s okay,” I said letting go of him and just holding his hand. “Believe it or not, I’m glad you’re being a good friend to him.  It says a whole lot about you, Nick.  More than you know.”
He smiled at me.  “But my main reason for coming was seeing you. You know that, right?”
“Of course.  I was actually hoping you’d changed your mind about something and that’s why you’d come here in such a hurry.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Changed my mind about what?”
I looked up at home and wondered how he really didn’t get it. It was so hard to keep my hands off of him, and to want him closer than we had been in more than a year.
“You know about what,” I said smiling at him.
“No. What?”
“Nick, you know what?”
He shook his head. “Uh-uh. What?”
“I know you know. You have to know. C’mon. You know.”
“I don’t know,” he said.  “What could I change my mind about?”
I looked around the mostly packed club. Though it was Thursday night, they had a really good crowd going.
“Um well, you know... waiting,” I said.
“Waiting?” he looked up at the flashing lights. “Waiting? Waiting for what?”
“Nick!” I pushed him thinking he was just kidding.
“What? C’mon, tell me. What are we waiting for? We’re not drinking anymore, so we’re not waiting for drinks.  None of the other guys are coming, so we’re not waiting for them. So, um... what are we--.”
I grabbed his face and kissed him harder and more passionately than I had in a long time.
“Oh!” he smiled when I let him go. “Oh! We’re waiting to kiss? We don’t have to wait to kiss. You should have told me!” He grabbed me and pushed me against the wall and planted slobbery kisses all over me.
“Nick!” I pushed him while he laughed.  “Never mind.”
“I’m kidding,” he said pulling me back to himself. “I’m kidding.  I know what you’re talking about. You don’t want to wait anymore?”
I looked up at him. He smiled and pushed a strand of hair out of my face.
Right then, I really didn’t.
“Well...,” I began.
“Let’s just wait,” he said. “We actually have a show in Houston coming up, and it’s just a short trip from South Padre. We can fly there, and then meet the guys in Orlando which will be nearly the end of the tour.  Why don’t we can... well..., talk about it then?”
We had first slept together in South Padre. I couldn’t believe he remembered that.
“Unless you want to take me right now,” he said leaning up against the wall.  “I have no strength.”
I shook my head at him again. “South Padre’s good. It’ll give us a few days together before that. I can see how that makes sense.”
He raised a weak wrist at me.  “Are you sure? You don’t want me now?”
I moved away from him and looked around for AJ.  He was dancing up a storm with the tall girl and seemed to be having a really good time.
A group of guys passed right by Nick and smiled at him.  “Um, hi,” I heard him say.  He pulled himself off the wall and hurried back to me.  “Yeah. Leave me back there.”
I kissed his cheek.  “I’m sorry, honey. I’m just keeping an eye on AJ.”
“Oh,” he said slipping his arms around my waist and leaning his head on me. “He’s doing good.”
“Yeah.”
And he did pretty good the rest of the night. We didn’t drag him out of there until almost four in the morning.
“Oops, it’s late,“ Nick said with a smile when we got to the truck.
“Yeah, it’s late. Give me the keys. I’m driving,“ I told him.
“I can drive,“ he started in his whiney voice.
“Yeah, but I’m gonna, so hand them over.“
“You heard the lady,“ AJ said.
They weren’t soused, but I didn’t trust either of them after the shots, the beers and the fact that they were both probably very tired.
“Fine,“ Nick said putting they keys in my hand.  “Here.  You just want to drive the truck because you have that dinky car.“
“Don’t call my car dinky,“ I said feeling protective of my Mustang.  “It’s not--.“
“Shotgun!“ AJ yelled as we got to the truck.
“Wha--?“
“I called shotgun, Nicky boy. Deal with it.“
I laughed as Nick whined and complained the rest of the way to the truck then conked out as soon as he hit the backseat.
“He’s tired,“ AJ said turning the radio down.
“You must be too.“
“Naw,“ he shook his head. “I could actually keep going. If I were living back home I would still be going.  You ever go to all-hours places?“
“I used to,“ I said.  “But not in awhile.“
“Well, we should,“ he said looking into the night. “We should in Dallas or something. Maybe Howie and Kev and Kristin will go too.  That should be fun.“
I nodded and stole a glance at him.   He seemed different from the AJ I had gotten to know.  All the bravado, the loud-mouth, the attitude were there. But there was something else there that I couldn’t really place.
“Are you serious about love being a lie?“ I asked as we hit the freeway.
He shrugged slightly.  “Yeah. Sorta.“
“But why?  I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but--.”
“Nicky told you,” he said.  “I got burned. Plain and simple.”
“She break your heart?”
“My heart, my wallet, my pride and I still...,” he stopped. “It was just bad.”
“I’m sorry.  But you know those are the ones we learn the most from.”
“Aw, Elisa girl, I don’t want to hear that what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger. I already got the ‘Life will Go On’ speech from Kev, from my mom, Brian and Howie.  I think I just want to sit here and be angry.”
I fell quiet then understanding what he meant, and I didn’t blame him. I hated when everyone else thought they knew how to live my life.
“You know, Nick was the only one who didn’t tell me what to do,” AJ said thoughtfully. “He’s the only one who just...,” he shrugged. “Listened.”
“He’s good with that,” I said. “But because you guys have shown him that. I mean, we really get to be who we are from the people around us.”
He nodded. “True.   And you’ve taught him a lot too.”
“And he’s taught me more,” I said.  “AJ, I was were you are right now.  But I was even worse because I had convinced myself that love was a lie.  I truly, honestly believed it, lived it and just did not give any single guy a chance.  And when I did, it was always half-heartedly.  Always just so that I wouldn’t be alone.  I was the one living the lie because I don’t really want to be alone.  I never did.  Do you have any idea how lucky I am that Nick has even bothered to come back to me so many times?  Any other guy would have closed himself up like you are right now and moved on to someone else.”
“Girl, he loves you,” he said.
“I know.  And that’s scarier than being alone.  If I’m alone I just live for myself with no real chance for a heartbreak.  But when I let him in, I open myself up to all those things I’ve spent my whole life running from.  But you know what? It’s worth it. He’s worth it. Hell AJ, I’m worth it.  I don’t want to live my whole life in a shell.  Especially not when somebody as wonderful as Nick around. I mean, I’d have to be crazy.”
“And you’re not crazy, right?”
I smiled. “Right.  But you didn’t want any advice. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said. “I get what you’re saying.”
“And I get what you’re saying. We all need downtime after a bad experience, so take your time. Whatever that girl didn’t see in you, someone better will.”
AJ chuckled.  “Yeah well, that’s all I can hope for right.”
I nodded. “Right.”
The music filled the space between us, and I couldn’t think of anything else to say. Though he was the one I thought I knew better, I still felt funny dishing out advice.
“I was kidding, you know?”
“About what?” I asked.
“About it being a lie. Love’s not a lie,” he said. “Just now, I feel like the crap under some construction worker’s shoe. I see you and Nicky here trying to stick it out through the distances.  And Kev and Kristin trying hard to keep what they have, that I know it has to be real.  People would not put so much work into a lie.  So I know it’s not a lie. I just have to wait my turn.”
I nodded. “Yeah, and it’ll come, AJ.  I didn’t think it would ever come for me, but here we are, right?”
He chuckled again. “Right.  You think you’re ready for the roller coaster you’re gonna get on when you join us on tour?”
I was getting off the freeway, so it gave me time to think.  “I guess so,” I said.  “Last time, I was scared as hell because I was so full of doubts.”
“And you’re sure now? You’re sure this is what you want?”
I nodded. “I’m sure.”
“Good answer,” he said and sat back.  “We’ll have blast, just watch.  It’s only a couple of dates, but we always make traveling fun. And things get even crazier in the last few towns.” He smiled. “You’ll see.”
 

And there was a lot to see from the moment I stepped off the plane in Austin.  Nick sent his security guard to pick me up.
The huge, wide-smile guy had a bunch of flowers in his hand. I remembered him from the hotel in Baltimore.
“These are from him,” he said with grin. “Don’t think I’m moving in on you, okay?”
“Thank you,” I told him.  “And I know this must have been your idea, right?”
He laughed. “Well.., it’s part of my job to give the kid advice.”
“Well, thank you,” I said again. “Are they working?”
“Right now interviews and fan conference. Then you’re meeting them for lunch at one.  I think you and Nick might actually get some downtime before he has to get to the venue.  You might,” he repeated.
“It’s okay,” I said “I’ve prepared myself for how hectic this is going to be.”
“Have you really?” he asked.  “We’ll just see.”
The hotel was swamped with fans.
“So it begins,” Mike said. “It’s better if you ignore them for now if they talk to you. They know who I am, so they’ll figure you’re with them. You could spend all day out there explaining yourself to them if you did, and I don’t think Nick’s mentioned anything about you guys publicly.”
I bit my lip as he took the truck around the entrance where the crowd of girls could see us.
“Let me off first, and we’ll walk fast,” he said. “Okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He started off the truck, and I heard his easy laugh as the girls called out to him. There was a small barricade being guarded by some hotel security, so it’s not like they could get close to us if they tried.
“... working at rehearsals,“  he was saying when he opened my door.  “You ready?”
I nodded and took his hand.
Immediately, the shouts began.
“Hey!”
“Hey!”
“Who are you?”
“She has flowers!”
“I’ll come back for your stuff, just get inside,” Mike said was we hurried through the automatic doors. “They aren’t allowed in here unless they’re guests, but sometimes a few sneak past security.  I’ll help you check in and get you everything  you need.”
“Everything I need?”
He nodded. “Password, schedule, security phone numbers, secondary passwords and introduce you around. It’s better if you know someone in case there’s trouble.”
I held on to his big arm and looked at him. “Trouble?”
He sighed. “You never know, Elisa.   I mean, in the past things have gotten ugly for Leigh and Bri, so we’re always careful.  Girlfriends have gotten hit by flying soda cans, and verbally attacked by over-excited fans. Usually, the girls just want to be nice and say hi. Sometimes, they say mean things. Every once in a while, they can be real nut cases. But those are few in far between.”
The memory of Brian’s dogs being kidnapped came back to me.  As well, as the guys’ bus being surrounded by a throng in Rio.
“Really few and far between,” he said. “Really.”
“Yeah okay.”
And he walked me to the front desk and had me register as Nick’s guest.  He took me up to “their” floor and introduced me to the few people he could find around. Most of the dancers and musicians were out at the mall or getting lunch before having to go to the venue.
“Don’t stress,” he said finally walking me to the door. “There’s only a couple of dates left, and I’m sure everything’ll be fine.  Wanna go in?  Nick left me a card for you.”
I nodded. “Sure.”
“He should be here before one, and you guys will have a couple of hours until he has to be at the Erwin Center. He’ll be in touch with me for that, though.  Any questions? Need or want anything?”
I shook my head.  “No. No thanks.”
He slipped the key into the lock, and I watched the little light turn green.
“Welcome to the zoo,” he chuckled. “I’m sure you’ll be fine.”
I pushed open  the door to the fancy suite to find gym clothes thrown all over the floor. Typical Nick.   I picked up a few and made my way around the rest.
An expansive view of the city appeared before me as I opened the heavy curtain. I’d been to Austin countless of times.  My sister moved there not long after getting married, but this time, it looked way more different than I could ever remember.
 

“It’s you!” Nick greeted with a yell as he raced toward the sofa.
I had been staring at the mindless television for almost two hours, and it was way past two.
I braced myself for his landing which was surprisingly soft.
“Hi,” he said and kissed me.
“Hi,” I said between kisses.
“Sorry, I’m late,” he said settling in next to me. “We ended up doing this unplanned interview thing.  How was your trip?”
I shrugged. “It was good.  You guys all set for tonight?”
“Yeah, pretty much.  Kev’s all up in arms because some of the sound equipment is getting old. I mean, we can’t get a whole new console over night, so we just have to live with it. Everything’s a big deal to him.” He shrugged. “Oh well.”
I nodded and took a good look at him.  He looked extremely happy, and I don’t think it was just me.  Touring seemed to agree with him much more than I thought it did.  His skin was healthy and rosy, and he actually looked rested.
I leaned in and kissed his nose. “You look good.”
He chuckled and threw his arm around me.  “Thanks. I hear a lot of stuff about how I look.  It never means anything to me unless you say it.”
I sat up. “Really?”
“Yeah,” he shrugged and actually looked like he was blushing.
“That’s odd,” I said.
“Why‘s it odd?”
“Honey, you‘re gorgeous. For God‘s sake, you‘ve probably always been.  I‘m sure you‘re used to it.”
He laughed. “’Lisa, you never get used to hearing stuff like that. No one does.”
“Well, you should be because you are.”
“It doesn‘t matter. It doesn‘t matter to me anymore than it does to you.”
I eyed him. “It’s part of who you are, Nick. I could look like this or suddenly lose and eye and still be teacher. Granted that if you did, you’d still be you, but...,” I trailed off not exactly sure how to put into words what I was thinking.
“I know it’s important for what I’m doing. But I don’t care. I don’t care whether I have one, two or three eyes.  I just--.”
I pushed his short, spiky bangs all the way off his face.  “You are just beautiful, Nick. Inside and out.  And you can modest, but it won’t change what you look like. Or you can be humble, and it won’t change who you are.  That’s all that matters, honey.  Inside, is the man that I really love.  And he has one, two, or three eyes. I don’t care as long as those eyes are seeing what I see.”
He blinked at me.  “What do you see?”
“Well, that we‘re together, and that’s all that matters.  That we have the whole summer of ahead of us, and I want to enjoy every, last second because I‘m with you.  Finally, after all that time, all that grief, all that stress, I get to be with you. There is nothing else I want.”
He smiled slightly and kissed me.  He pushed my hair off my shoulder and kissed me again, then again.
Then he stopped.  “You know, just when I get used to you being so protective of yourself, you get vulnerable on me, and it freaks me out.  All day long, all I wanted to do was see you so I could tell you how much you mean to me.  How much you being here makes me happier than I’ve been since the last time you were in my life. But I told myself not to. I told myself that I’d just be pressuring you, and that you’d start to doubt. But--.”
“But I don’t doubt anymore,” I said stopping him. “I couldn’t doubt and be here.”
He smiled. “I know. And that’s just even scarier because not long ago, I told myself it was never going to be true. That I was never going to have what I most really wanted. I was never going to have you.”
“Nick, I’m here,” I said into his eyes and smiled. “I’m here, and you can have me.  Not just that way either,” I said when he gave me a sly smile. “I didn‘t mean just sex.”
“But you did mean sex?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I definitely did.”
He laughed. “Really? Now? What about--?”
“We can forget about South Padre. I keep pushing you, but you keep ignoring me, and I’m tired of waiting,” I told him.  “I’ve waited long enough already.”
He looked around the room then back at me. “We’re gonna have to be quiet. The guys are around, and they’re already teasing me as it is.” He blushed again. “It’s hard to keep stuff from them.”
“I can be quiet,” I said as he pulled me closer to him.
We were way lost in kisses and touches when he stopped and took his hand off the first button on my blouse.
“What?”
“Hang on,” he said and climbed over the couch.  He pressed an ear to the door that led to the other room, and then he locked it.
“Okay,” he smiled. “I’m all set.”
 

“Hey,” I heard a voice call behind me as I wandered through the enormous Erwin center.  I had left Nick behind with AJ because they were going to talk to some guy from a radio station who had some contest winners with him.
“Hey Kevin. How are you?”
“I’m good. Definitely ready for all of this to wind down,” he said pulling me into a hug. “How are you?”
“I’m doing good too.  Are you tired?”
“Tired?  I’m almost always tired. Right now, I just really need a break.  I guess this tour’s been longer than I imagined.”
I nodded. “How’s Kris? Is she here?”
He shook his head. “Naw. She has some commercial work in LA, so she’s there.” He shrugged.  “How are things going with Nicky? You guys okay?  The fans catch up with you yet?”
“Um, not yet.  I saw some when I got to the hotel, but they don’t really know who I am, do they?”
“Nick’s not mentioning you.  He said he was gonna talk to you about it first. You guys haven’t decided if you want to be public yet?”
My skin flashed hot for a second when I thought about what we were doing instead of talking earlier that day.  “Um, no.  We haven’t had a chance.”
“It’s better to be honest,” Kevin said.  “I think when we all came clean with our relationships, it just made us more real to our fans.   They were very cool about just letting us be ourselves. Well, for the most part they were.  There are always exceptions. But you guys should be okay.”
I nodded and looked around at the long tunnels and noisy rooms.
“This place is still odd for you, huh?” he asked following my gaze. “For me too. I’ve never really gotten used to living like this.” He shrugged.  “I thought my life would be a lot different.”
“Really? Different how?”
“I don’t know. I would have gotten married three years ago. I’d already have a couple of kids.  I’d be a coach, a teacher or some youth counselor.  Even after we started the group, I didn’t think it would last forever.”  He caught himself and laughed. “Not that forever’s already here and gone, right?”
I nodded. “Right. Are you doing okay?”  I don’t know what prompted me to ask that question.  It might have been something in his eyes, or tone of voice. I’m not really sure.
He pressed a smile. “I’m fine. I tell you, I’m just tired. I’m freaked over the sound console giving out on us. Bone’s still freaking about life without Victoria.  Frack and him barely made it back on time yesterday morning, and all that stuff stresses me out.  Do I look stressed?”
“A little,” I admitted.  “It’s gonna be over before you know it.”
He nodded. “Yeah. Listen, why don’t we get back to--.”
“Hey Kevin,” a heavy-set guy greeted with a smile.
“Hey man. How’re you?” Kevin gave him one of those manly half hugs.  “Haven’t seen you since last time we came through here.  What‘s it been two years since you met up with us in Florida?”
“Yeah! Remember? I got to take those contest winners to your final show?  We went out afterward and got plastered?” the guy laughed. “Remember how Nick hurled all the way back to the hotel?”
Kevin didn’t laugh he just nodded and gave me a somewhat nervous glance.  “Um, yeah. That was a long time ago.”
“Yeah, it’s not like we’ll be doing it again, huh? I mean, with you being married and all. I can’t believe you finally went and did it.  Think Nick and the other guys would be up to it?” the guy asked. I finally noticed he was wearing a black polo shirt with a local radio station’s logo and call letters.
Kevin shook his head. “I doubt it.  Nick’s--.”
“Hey,” the guy said like it just dawned on him. “You’ll be here for two days, right? Why don’t we have party at my place? You can bring your wife. This is your wife, right?” he asked shining a smile at me that I didn’t buy for a second.
“No,” Kevin said. “This is Nick’s friend, Elisa. Elisa, this is Jake Jergens.”
“Jerky Jake Jergens in the morning,” he said in his DJ voice. “It’s nice to meet you.  So you and Nick--?”
“Are friends,” Kevin said with authority.
“We’re friends. It’s nice to meet you,” I said.
“Thanks,” he said checked me out while Kevin cleared his throat loudly.  “Listen, why don’t you--?”
“We have to get back,” Kevin told him guiding me in front of himself. “It was nice seeing you again, Jake.  Take care.”
“Um, sure. But think about that party thing okay. It was nice meeting you,” he called to me.
I barely got a half-nod out to him when Kevin pulled me down the hallway and back to the dressing room.
“He really is a jerk.  It‘s not even an act,” Kevin muttered.  “We did go out with him last tour, and I think he made it a point to get Nick that drunk.  Don’t think it was something we did. Of course, he blabbed everything all over the radio station as soon as he got back to Austin.  I’m not sure how many people believed his drivel.  He’s just a jerk. Stay away from him.”
I nodded. “Kevin, if you haven’t noticed, I usually stay away from everyone.”
He chuckled. “Good tactic.”
“Hey!”
We entered their main room with the pool table, huge spread and loud music.
“Hey Nick,” I greeted making my way back to him.
“Where were you?” he asked with a small pout. “I came back here, and you were--.”
“Looking around until I bumped into Kevin.”
“Yeah, and we bumped into Jerky Jake Jergens,” Kevin informed him.
“Ugh, that guy? He’s here?”
“He’s here, Frack. I thought we banned him from backstage,” Kevin said.  “Just stay away from him.”
“Did he see you?” Nick asked pulling me so I could sit on his lap.
“Yeah. I met him.” I shrugged.  “Kevin told him we were friends.”
Nick nodded and looked up at Kevin.
“You guys gotta choose what it’s gonna be,” Kev said. “Private or public. And you’d better do it soon because you know how spying eyes see everything.  If you want to keep things somewhat in your control, it’s better if you decide soon.  People like Jake out there are a dime a dozen.”
“Yeah Kev,” Nick said resting his chin on my shoulder.  “We’re gonna decide.  Right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
Kevin gave us one long look. “I’m gonna hit the bathroom, then we have to do the check.  Make sure Jay gets out there.”
“Right away,” Nick smiled and kissed  my cheek.
“Seriously Nick,” Kevin said as he made his way out. “I saw Brian and Howie, and you two are the ones that are always late.”
“We’ll be there,” Nick said assuredly and waited for Kevin to finally be out of earshot.  “Mr. Stress. Everything stresses him. If we’re a couple of minutes late, nothing’s gonna happen.”
I shifted to face him. “Is he okay? He seems a bit more wound up than I’m used to seeing him.”
Nick shrugged. “He seems fine to me.  Why? Did he say something?”
“No. He just seemed different.”
“He’s just stressed, I tell you. He knows we get crazier when the tour winds down, so he’s waiting for AJ and me to do something stupid, especially now.  Jay gets crazy when he’s single, but I’m sure everything’s gonna be fine. Right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
“Okay. Stay back here tonight just to be safe. That guy will harass you with questions if you let him, so don’t.”
“Did he really get you drunk?”
Nick nodded. “I did a pretty good job of it all by myself, but he did open his big mouth about everything afterward.  Kev was pissed because the people we party with aren’t usually like that. This guy really is a jerk.”
I just nodded.  “You know he’s right, though. We do have to decide if we’re going to be private or public.”
“Well, what do you want?” he asked. “It’s really up to you. I’m already used to the attention. You’re the one who is going to have to deal with something new.”
I bit my lip and thought about the small crowd outside the hotel. I really, truly hated having to explain myself to anyone.  And Nick already knew that.
“Listen,” he said. “Why don’t you do the tour and see how you like it?  If you’re okay with everything you see, we can consider being public.  Right now, we can just keep it to ourselves. How’s that?”
“That’s good,” I said.  “You’re a smart guy.”
“I am,” he said. “What? Are you surprised?”
I laughed and decided not to answer the question.
“You’d better get moving,” I told him pulling myself off him. “Don’t stress Kevin out anymore than he already is.”
“Um, hang on, wait,” he said holding on to my arm. “Are you doing okay?”
“Yeah Nick, I’m fine.”
He peeled his big blue eyes at me.  “Okay.  So, we’re okay. Everything’s okay?”
“We’re fine,” I said. “Why are you asking me?”
“I’m making sure,” he said.  “I want this to be good for you.  AJ and me are already planning tonight.  There‘s this club he wants to go to, and it sounds pretty good.”
I gave him a look. “Really? I was kind of planning tonight myself.”
Nick grinned and lifted an eyebrow.  “Um, for reals? Maybe we should let AJ--.”
“No. I’m kidding, honey. Let’s do something with him. I know he needs it.  We have plenty of time ahead of us.”
“Yeah, but we can--.”
I laughed and hugged his middle. “We can wait.  I’d rather make sure AJ’s okay.”
He kissed me one more time. “Okay. I’m gonna go find him.  Stay here.”
I nodded taking a seat on the couch. “I’m here.”
 
 

We actually stayed in that night because AJ ended up on the phone with his mom, but we did go out after the second show.
“Where are you guys going?” Kevin asked when Nick, AJ and I had finally made it down to the hotel lobby.
“To a club,” AJ informed him. “You don‘t wanna come, right?”
He frowned.  “You’re going out? We’re traveling tomorrow.“
“But just to Dallas it’s a couple of hours drive if that,” Nick said. “We’ll be back in plenty of time to get on the bus, Kev, if that’s what’s worrying you.”
“No that‘s not what‘s worrying me,” he said shaking his head. “I’m... I’m actually considering going with you guys.  Are you leaving just now?”
“Yeah.”
“Um-huh.”
“We’ll wait for you,” I told him.
“Really?” Kevin asked heading for the elevator.  “I’ll be right down.  Hang on.”
“He’ll be right down in two hours,” AJ spat.
“Why are we being that nice to him?” Nick asked taking a seat on the squashy couch.  “He’s gonna make us come home early.”
AJ landed next to him. They looked like disappointed kids.
“Guys, come on,” I told them.  “I bet everything’s going to be fine. He’s gonna--.”
“He’s gonna be a party pooper,” Nick said. “He always is.”
I sighed and sat down between them. “Well, we can’t ditch him now.”
AJ threw Nick a grin. “Naw, but we ought to ditch you with him. You are the one being nice to him.”
Nick laughed, so I gave him a shove.
“We wouldn’t do that, Elisa girl,” AJ said.  “But things are gonna be different with him around. Just watch.”
I don’t think they expected for things to be as different as they were.
AJ was quick to find someone to dance with and disappeared on us just after we got there. I think Nick and I were pretty used to that.
“You guys gonna go dance?“ Kevin asked watching AJ bounce on the crowded dance floor.
“Um, probably,“ Nick told him. “You’re gonna be okay here on your own? Or you want us to stay?“
“Yes, Nick. I need you to stay with me while I have a drink,“ he said sarcastically then eyed the crowd.  “Go dance.  I’m fine.“
I actually laughed because Kevin fussed over everyone, and he just hated anyone paying extra attention to him.
Nick didn’t seem to take him so lightly.
“Yeah, well okay,” he said pulling me along. “See you later.”
“Laters.”
“Who the hell pissed on him?” Nick muttered as we made our way through the crowd.  “He’s so full of shit that--.”
“Forget him, Nick. He’s just being Kevin.”
“Yeah,” he said with a sigh. “He is. And look, there’s AJ being AJ.”
He and the girl were grinding their hips practically into each other while she gazed into his sunglasses.
Once again, all I could really do was laugh.  “Your friends are nutty.”
“Well yeah, but it sucks that we have to be here, you know? Here, we finally get to be together, and we’re out at a stupid club. This is not how I imagined my time with you would be.”
“It’s okay, honey,” I said.  “The guys are just--.”
“I know.  I know.  And they’ve done this with me so many times, that I wouldn’t do anything else but be here for them.” He sighed hard and returned to that whiney voice. “But I wanted to spend time with you.  It’s not fair. Kev and Bone could have done this fine without us.”
It was always typical of the youngest in a family or group to expect things in life to be fair. I knew very well that life was everything but that.  I guess, just then, I didn’t want to burst his bubble.
“Honey, let’s just dance.  I mean, we’re here, and there’s no point in making things worse.”
He looked over my shoulder at the crowded dance floor.  “Yeah, okay. Let’s dance.”
We dance for what seemed a really long time.  And I  think for that time, he was finally able to get AJ and Kevin off his mind and just dance with me. For all the energy he put out on stage, he was having a blast shaking it to the loud music and dancing around me like there was no tomorrow.
But our thirst caught up with us within a couple of hours, and we tried to avoid the bar where he had left Kevin. Nick disappeared to the bathroom while I ordered some water.
“Hey!” Kevin greeted with a big smile.
A really big smile.
He was plastered.
“Hey Kevin. Are you okay?” I asked as the bartender put the glasses of water in front of me.
“You guys are having water?  Have a real drink,” Kevin told me.
“No. We said we wouldn’t drink tonight,” I told him.
“Aw, c’mon. One, stupid little drink isn’t going to kill you guys.  We should have brought Howie. ‘D’ll drink with me,” Kevin said and shook his head.  “You guys suck.”
Nick came through the crowd and looked just as surprised to see Kevin in that condition.
“Hey, there you are, Nicky.  Here’s to my little Frack,” he said and held up his shot.  “Boy, you sure have grown up.”
Nick smiled and pulled the shot glass out of his hand. “Yeah, Kev. Thanks. But I think you might have had enough.”
“No, no,” Kevin said grabbing it back.  “Really. Let me drink this one to you. You put up with all my shit, all my bitching, moaning and complaining, and that’s more than can be said for most people.”
“Kev that’s not--,” Nick tried to begin.
Slurp.
The shot was gone down Kevin’s throat, and Nick shook his head at me.
“Kevin, maybe you should slow down,” I began. “It’s still early, and if you’re drinking that fast, you’re gonna get sick.”
“You think?” Kevin asked. “Really? You know what shocks me?”
He didn’t give me a chance to answer.
“That you care,” he said.  “That you’d even talk to me after what  jerk I was to you guys when Nick was with you.”
“You weren’t--,”I tried to begin.
“I was, I was,” Kevin said and seemed to start losing his balance.  Nick hung on to him.
“Maybe we should sit,” Nick said looking around.
“Nah. I’m fine,” Kevin said. “But I was a jerk, you know? And you know what else?”
Nick gave me a lost look and tried to make him straighten up. “What? What, Kev?”
Kevin smiled down at me then over to Nick. “Well, that year, when I went to El Paso to find you.. I...,” he hesitated. “I went there to see you, right? I mean, that’s what I said.  But really, really, really Nick...,” Kevin looked up to the flashing lights on the ceiling then down to Nick again. “I really went to take you back.  To convince you that your place was with us.”
Nick gave me a look. “He’s drunk.”
“I know, honey. Just let him ramble.”
“I’m not rambling,” Kevin said pulling away from Nick and leaning back on the bar. “I’m not.  You have to know how guilty I felt. I felt so damn guilty for doing that to you, Frack because you were miserable afterward. I felt like I had ruined your whole damn life.”
“You didn’t,” Nick said with a shrug. “It’s fine. We’re fine. See?”
Kevin shook his head again and looked down at me. His serious, somber gaze taken over by the lost, pathetic one the alcohol created.  “I took him away from you.  I did it on purpose, and I know you know that. Hell, women see right through everything, so you knew. I don’t care.  But that’s why I went to find you in March. I figured I could make it up to you. Both of you.”
Nick looked at the dirty floor and set his mouth in s straight line.
I didn’t actually feel much of everything. He was right. I had known all along.
“It’s okay,” I told him.  “Really.  You did what you thought was right.”
“Yeah, but it was shit,” Kevin said. “It was all for shit because Nicky was so miserable, and I felt like I made him that way.  I love him, you know? And I hated that I did that to him.  I think it made me feel like shit. Kinda like I do right now.”
Nick snapped up at those words. “Do I have to take you to the bathroom? Are you okay? Mike’s with AJ, but I can page him.”
Kevin shook his head. “Nope.  I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am.  How sorry I am for making you miserable, but now you know that I made it up to you. Okay?”
Nick glanced back at the floor then over at me, and finally back at Kevin.  “Kev, you didn’t break us up--.”
“Baby, I did.”
“No, Kevin,” Nick said with more force. “Don’t you see that we’re the ones who made the choices?  I’m the one who decided to come back. Elisa is the one who decided to go find me. Yeah, you were involved, but we were the ones who made everything happen. We’re the only ones who can.  Stop feeling guilty over something you didn’t even do.”
Kevin looked at him with this puzzled look on his face.  “I did do it, Nicky.  I know I did.  But I also know that you’re good enough to forgive me. You forgive me, right?”
Nick nodded. “Yes Kevin. I do. I don’t even think you’re right. But I forgive you. It’s okay. All right? Okay?”
Kevin smiled  and threw his arm around Nick. “Okay.  When you guys get married, do I get to be in the wedding?”
I actually laughed.
“I wasn’t in your wedding,” Nick pointed out. “Look, there goes Jay. Let me go grab him so we can go.  Think you can handle Train here?”
I nodded. “Sure honey. Go.”
“But you weren’t in my wedding because you’re not family,” Kevin was explaining even though Nick was gone. “He knows that, right?”
“I’ll tell him,” I said. “Don’t worry.”
“He’s a good guy,” Kevin said with a smile. “And you’re a good girl. You guys shouldn’t get married. Married life is for shit.”
“Kevin, don’t say that. You’re just drunk.”
“Duh,” he said rolling his eyes at me. “You like pointing out the obvious.”
I shook my head and started counting the seconds Nick had been gone just to make them go by faster.
“But I’m serious,” Kevin said bending down to me. “Don’t get married. It ruins everything. Kris and I were happy to work things out when we weren’t married. But it’s like a piece of paper makes everything an obligation. I don’t want to be in this relationship because I’m obligated.”
“Are you guys having problems?” I asked thought I knew I shouldn’t have.
He rolled his eyes again. “Gee, whatever gave you that idea? Yeah, we’re having problems, Elisa. Major ones.” He shrugged.
I was tempted to leave him and his heavy sarcasm there, but I couldn’t.
“It’s probably just a rough patch,” I said  “I don’t think it’ll be like this forever. Wait till the tour’s over, and you guys will have a chance to work it out.”
“You know,” he said. “It’s the breaks that ruin it for us. We get along so we good when we’re working. But when we’re in the house together, it’s like hell breaks loose over every, single sock I leave on the floor.”
“I’m sure it’s not that bad.”
He gave me a look. “Elisa, look at me.”
I did, and he was a green/red-eyed, glassy mess.
“I don’t do this. Usually, I’m doing what you’re doing. I’m baby-sitting the drunks, but here I am, right?  Things are that bad. I’m pretty good at keeping it together until they are.  I’m just...,” he trailed off.
“What?” I asked genuinely worried.
“I’m just worried my marriage isn’t going to last more than a year. My anniversary is coming up, and I don’t even want to go home.”
I squeezed his forearm.  “Listen, work it out.  Nick was right when he told you it had been up to us. No matter what you said and did, we’re the ones working this out. You can do it too. You told me it was all about work, remember? Those are your words.”
Kevin smiled and seemed to regain some bit of himself. “He’s grown up more than I thought he would.”
That had been their constant struggle.  Kevin wanted Nick to be an adult but only on Kevin’s terms.
“He’s great,” I told him. “Really. And you’re a bigger part of that then you’ll ever  know.”
He pressed a smile at me.  “Yeah, but it’s all him, Elisa. He’s made the choices that have take him where he is now.  With you.”
I had to smile as I looked around for him hoping he hadn’t gotten too lost looking for AJ.
“Don’t tell anyone,” Kevin said taking hold of my arm. “Don’t tell Nicky about what I told you just now. It’s bad enough that I came and made an ass of myself today. I don’t want them to know about what’s going on. Okay? Okay?”
I nodded. “Yeah. Don’t worry. Just work it out, Kevin. Everything will be fine. I’m sure.”
He just nodded at me.
“What the hell is this, Kevin?” AJ asked when they got to us.  “You letting Elisa get you drunk?”
The change in Kevin’s expression when he realized AJ was kidding was priceless.
He went from surprised anger to shocked laughter.
“And why they hell didn’t you tell me you were going to be getting plastered? I would have gotten plastered right with you.  Some brother you are.”
Nick shook his head at them. “No. Let’s go. It’s time to go.”
“Baby, you go,” Kevin said giving him a gentle shove toward me. “Bone and me are gonna stay. What do you want?”
“No!” Nick protested.
“Whiskey sour,” AJ ignored him.
“Guys, you can’t do this. You’re gonna be hung over on the bus, and it’s hell to travel like that. Remember we have interviews in Dallas too, and we can’t--.”
Poor Nick ended up talking to the back of their heads as they ordered their drinks.
“Let them go,” I told him pulling his hand. “Let’s just get back to the hotel. I’m sure they’ll be fine.”
“Elisa, I can’t.  They never, ever left me alone in a bar. I can’t just leave now,” he whined like he couldn’t believe what they were doing.  “We have to stay.”
I looked from them back to him, and they were already in their own little world made up of themselves and the good-looking bar maid.
“What do you want to do? You want to dance again? Or just stay here?” I asked giving up to him.  I wasn’t about to come between him and the guys.
He looked at his shoes. “I want to go home.  I want us to be alone, but...”
“Forget it. I know,” I said. “They’re in no shape to be left alone.  If you want to stay, we’ll stay.”
Nick looked over me at them and shook his head. AJ was working pretty hard to catch up with Kevin.
“I don’t know what the hell is wrong with him. He never pulls this crap,” Nick said.  “I wonder if he even called Kris today.”
I sipped my water to make sure I didn’t open my mouth about anything Kevin had babbled to me about.
“It’s just too strange,” he continued. “He never, ever acts like--.”
“Honey, I’m going to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back, okay?”
“No, let me walk you,” he said.
“I’m fine.”
“No, I’m going. Don’t make me stay here with the drunks.”
I laughed and grabbed his hand. “Yeah, okay. C’mon, let’s go.”
We kept our distance the and watched the guys get toasted. They didn’t do much but stand there laughing and checking out the girls.  Eventually, Nick gave up worrying about them, and we decided to dance. What else could we do?
“Are you sure Nick and you are just friends?”
I looked up surprised at the loud voice in front of me.  It was that Jerky Jake guy from the day before.
He ambushed me coming out of the bathroom before Nick and I began our search for the guys so we could go home.
“Um, excuse me,” I told him trying to step around him.
“Aw, c’mon. Wait,” he said stepping in front of me once again.  “I just want to make conversation, Elisa. It’s Elisa right?”
I frowned at him and tried once more to step around him, but this time, he totally blocked me.
“Nick’s going to see you,” I told him.  “And--.”
“And he’s going to come defend his girlfriend just like every good Backstreet boyfriend should?”
I rolled my eyes and took a step back. “Look, we’re friends. I think we already told you that.   Now, just let me--.”
He laughed. “Yeah, you’re right. You’re not exactly boyband girlfriend material.” He checked me out up and down.  “You’re a little short, on the skinny side, and I think your boobs are about as fake as Leighanne’s.  Plus, you’re not leggy enough to be a model or skanky enough to be an actress.  So ‘fess up. What happened? How’d you end up with Nicky? Did he pick you up on the road like the last one? Or did his mom finally find him one he actually likes?”
“Just shut up and get out of my way,” I said starting around him again, but he didn’t give up. And I guess that was his mistake.
“Excuse me!” I told him as loudly as I could and gave him a small shove that didn’t move him half an inch, but Kevin grabbed him and tossed him a few feet, even though he was on the chubby side.
“Are you okay?” he asked me.  “What’d he--?”
“Hey!” Jerky Jake Jerkins protested only get a good shove from AJ.
“What the hell are you doing?” we heard AJ yell.  “Didn’t we tell you to stay the hell away from us a couple of years ago? What? Do you get off picking on girls? Why don’t you pick on me?”
I pushed past Kevin. “AJ, don’t.”
“No, no,” AJ said. “C’mon. I want to you see pull your crap on me. It’s okay for you to make fun of everything and everyone, but how much can your sorry fat-ass take it? Huh?”
Jerky Jake chuckled. “AJ. Bone, c’mon. I have a job to do, and I’m just asking Nick’s girlfriend a few questions.”
“You have no business asking her shit. Do you understand?”
“But she is Nick’s girlfriend?” Jake asked with a smile.  “You’re not denying it, right?”
AJ shoved him again.
This time, I caught his arm. “AJ, don’t.”
And Jerky Jake went right back at him.  That’s what set Kevin right into motion.
He grabbed him by the shirt and shoved him fat-ass first into the wall.  “Don’t you ever, ever lay one hand on AJ again. Do you understand? Because I’m not shitting you here. I’m freaking serious.  You have no business anywhere near any one of us, understand? Not around me, AJ, Nick or Elisa. Tell me you understand.”
“Kevin,--,” he tried only to get cut off.
“Do you understand?” Kevin repeated through clenched teeth.
“I understand, man. I was just--.”
“You were just being an asshole,” Kevin said giving him a shove away from us.  “Go be an asshole somewhere else.”
“Kevin?”
“Kev?”
Mike and Nick appeared before us with horrified looks on their faces.
AJ was cracking up watching Jerky Jake hurry away at the sight of the huge security guy.
“Put that guy on the shit list,” Kevin told him then looked at me. “Are you okay? He was just talking to you, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah, right--.”
“What? What’d he do?” Nick asked eyes startled. “Did he bug you? Was he--.”
“He was just asking about us,” I told him. “I’m fine. The guys just over-reacted.”
Nick looked back at them.  “That’s it. We’re going. We’re going home.”
“Nicky!” AJ laughed. “C’mon!  Take a break from the Kevin-tude.”
“Kevin-tude?” Nick asked confused.
“Yeah. Kevin’s attitude! You just adopted it, man,” AJ laughed. “We’re just playing. And you know that guy deserves much more than a scare.”
“Well, whatever he deserves, he’ll be talking about us all morning tomorrow,” Nick said taking my hand. “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine. Really.  You’re right. Let’s just go.”
Kevin and AJ were still busy high-fiving each other while Mike shook his head.
“Did you see his jelly-ass running?”
“Man, I never saw five hundred pounds move so fast. No wait, I did! That time my mom made Nicky a birthday cake, and Lou ran across the Trans-Con offices to have at it, remember?” AJ laughed.
“Guys, I’m gonna have to agree with Nick. Let’s go,” Mike told them. “It’s late.”
“Mike!” AJ protested.
“Yeah, yeah,” Kevin shook his head. “C’mon. Let’s go. My buzz is gone anyway.”
 

“Sorry about all that craziness,” Nick said when we finally got back to our room that morning.  “Things always get crazy at the end of the tour.”
“Hey, stop stressing,” I told him. “They’re your friends, and I don’t mind being there for them with you. God knows both of them have been there for me as well.”
“Not to mention me,” Nick said plopping down tiredly on the bed. “It’s almost daylight.”
“I know. What time do we have to be on the bus?”
“Like ten.”
I nodded.
“What’d you think about what Kev told us? That he’d gone to break us up on purpose?”
I laughed. We had talked circles around that when we were back home.  Nick was always so convinced of everyone’s sincerity, and I just never believed anyone‘s intentions but my own.
“Honey, I do think he was just rambling because he was drunk. He had no clue what he was saying.”
Nick shook his head. “But why? Why would he say that if it wasn’t true?  I mean, I know things were different back then. I know he thought he could tell me which way was up when I was already looking at the sky. But to purposely go break us up was really just evil. I wasn’t that stupid was I? That easy to manipulate?”
I looked up at him before taking a seat on the soft sofa.  “Honey, you were young. You were just--.”
“That stupid? That dumb? You mean, I let him make me miserable for a whole year?”
“No,” I said.  “That’s not what I meant at all.  Yeah, Kevin influenced you back then.  I mean, how could he not? He’s older than you. Says things with such authority.  He made me go to  Florida, didn’t he? I mean, maybe he sees things with more clarity than we do. I don’t know.”
“Maybe he just bullshits better than anyone else,” Nick muttered.  “If I hadn’t listened to him back then--.”
“If you hadn’t listened to him back then, things would have changed anyway. We weren’t ready, Nick. That’s what it comes down to.  If we had been ready, nothing would have pulled us apart.  Not him, not anyone else.”
I heard him sigh.  “You’re right.  But if he did do that, then he really is a jerk.”
“Was a jerk,” I corrected. “He didn’t really mean to do anything but what he thought was right. That Jake guy, on the other hand, is an authentic jerk.”
He chuckled. “That and then some. You remember when you left?  Where were?  Tulsa or something?”
“Oklahoma City,” I said. “I will never, ever forget Oklahoma City.”
“Well, that guy met up with us just after that, in Fort Lauderdale or something. He had some contest winners from Austin with him, so we took him out after the show. I didn’t want to go, but Kevin made me.” I sat up to look at him.  He rolled his eyes. “Really. He made me.  So we went to this party, and they got me really, really drunk. I wanted to just forget about all the stuff that had happened. And getting drunk was like a really good way to do it.  But I got so sick. I remember riding back in the limo with my head out the window because I had to barf.  The guys wouldn’t let me sit inside with them because I just hurled all the way home. Then they dumped me in Brian’s room, and he got really mad at them for doing that to me.” He chuckled. “Poor Brian got stuck baby-sitting me all night because I couldn’t pull my head out of the toilet.  Kevin was pissed because he was too busy picking up chicks while that Jake guy served me drinks. Like it was his fault Kevin was too busy to take care of me.”
I laughed. It was funny that in spite of everything he said about Kevin, he still thought he had some obligation to take care of him.  “And what happened? That can’t be the only reason you guys hate him.”
“You mean besides him bugging you today? Well, right after Jerky Jake went home, we got a tape from record company guys of his next morning show. He told everyone all about our night out.  He blabbed about Kevin picking up chicks. About me getting drunk and hurling everywhere. And he told everyone what I said when I was so damn drunk.”
“What’d you say?”
“Stuff about you,” he said then looked at the floor.  “Apparently, I gave him some long story about being in love with you.  I think I told him just about everything but your name. The rumors flew for months about Nick and some Texas girl. You didn’t hear?”
I shook my head. “I spent all that time avoiding anything that had to do with you.”
“Yeah well, it went around until I started dating someone else.  But I guess Jerky Jake never, ever gave it up.”
“Why do you say that? Because he was asking me questions today?”
He nodded.  “Wonder what he’s going to say this time. Just when we decided to keep everything private.  Sorry about that.”
“It’s not your fault.  I guess I should expect stuff like that to happen, huh?”
“Um-huh,” he said.  “But that doesn’t mean that we can’t try, does it?  We can still say that we’re just friends. It’s what we always said we’d be, right?”
And there he was again. That naive, believing kid he thought he wasn’t anymore.
“Yup,” I said moving off the couch and to his side. “That’s what we said. We’d always be friends.”
“And that’s true, right? You still mean it?”
I frowned at his doubt.  “Of course I mean it. What’s wrong? Why are you even asking me that?”
He sighed. “Lots of stuff happened tonight, and you just got here. I don’t want you to think that it’s always like this.  I mean, sometimes, we get off the stage, come back here and just go to sleep.  I don’t want this to freak you out.”
I took his hand into mine. “Honey, this does not freak me out. I know I have given you a million reasons to think I’m gonna run at the first sight of trouble, but I’m not. I’m not.  I’m here with you this time to stay.  I mean, to stay as long as you’ll have me.”
I saw his smile grow as he lifted his eyes to mine.  “I want you to stay forever.  I never, ever want you to go away.”
“Then I won’t,” I said and scooted closer to him.
He wrapped his arms around me, just as the sun peeked through the slight opening in the heavy curtains.
“Hey, there’s that sunrise we wanted in Baltimore,” he said softly. “Wanna go outside?”
I hopped off the bed.  “Let’s go. At least it’s not freezing here.”
“Was it freezing there? I don’t remember.”
“Nick, we were shivering.”
“I was shivering because I was close to you,” he said pulling me toward the terrace door. “Didn’t you know?”
I stopped so that he had to as well.
“What?” he asked already smiling.
“You’re just...,” I couldn’t find the end of my sentence so I kissed him instead, and we never made it out to the sunrise that day.
 

“Look!”
Of course we all did.
“We’re in Florida!” AJ announced like it should have been shocking.
“AJ!”
“Shut up, Bone.”
“Duh!”
Brian just laughed.
AJ smiled and bounced in his seat on the bus.  “Um, well. I’m excited about it. And I’m excited because that means just one more show to go.”
Nick pulled his gaze away from the sunny, vista and sighed. “Almost home.”
“Almost home,” I repeated.
“So, what’s everybody doing?” Kevin asked from his seat in the back.
“Home,” Brian said. “I’m going home.”
“Yeah well, I meant someone who was actually doing something different,” Kevin told him with a small smile.  “Of course you’re going home, cuz.”
“I’ll just be home too,” AJ said. “You going to LA?”
“Yup,” Kevin nodded. “LA it is.  She’s doing  some benefit work I’m supposed to help with.”
“We’ll be in Tampa, then back to El Paso for Laura’s wedding, right?”
I nodded. “Right.”
“I’ll be at my mom’s,” Howie said. “And at the club.  Hey, we should have a party there.”
“Not another party,” Nick whispered to me.
“What do you guys think?” Howie asked.  “Bri, isn’t Leigh meeting you in Orlando?  It’s not like she couldn’t go.  Maybe Kris could--.”
“She can’t,” Kevin dismissed him. “But it sounds like a good idea.  Count me in.  Nick, you and Elisa willing to stick around one more night?”
That was going to cut out half of the time we were going to spend at his place.  I had to be back home before the weekend.
“Party,” AJ began to chant. “Party. Party.”
“Leigh would probably go,” Brian shrugged. “Why not?”
“Party. Party. Party,” AJ continued. “Party.”
I was already laughing.
“C’mon Nicky, you know you want to,” Howie grinned. “Just one night.”
“Party. Party. Party.”
He shook his head and sat up to face them. “Fine. Fine, listen, we’ll do this party thing. We’ll go. But...,” he dropped off.
“But?” Kevin shook his head. “No buts, Nick.”
“But,” Nick continued. “But that has to be it until August when we meet again. There are no birthdays coming up.  No one is getting married.  No crazy, unscheduled, meetings that are going to interrupt us. Okay? Nothing.”
Brian laughed. “He sounds like me now.”
“Aw, you mean we can’t come to Texas to visit you?” Howie asked. “Everyone but me and Bri have--.”
“No,” Nick told them. “N-O.  We are going to go home and be normal, just like you guys are normal when you go home.”
“Yeah okay,” Kevin said.
“Sure, shun us,” AJ pouted.
Brian laughed. “I knew this would happen one day. I knew that one day, it wouldn’t just be me wanting to be home alone with the wife.”
“Wife!” I blurted more loudly than I wanted to.
The guys immediately cracked up, and Nick shook his head and covered his face.
“Okay not wife, not wife!” Brian sat up laughing. “Strike that. I didn’t mean wife.  I meant significant other.  Right? That’s what you guys are, right? Right?”
“Just quit, Frick,” Nick told him. “Just stop.”
“One more party,” Howie smiled. “This ought to be fun.”
 

We stayed at Kevin’s Orlando house the night after the last concert then ended up at the mall early the next day getting clothes for the party.  Kevin had stayed behind working on his rickety truck, and AJ had gone home and promised to make the drive back in time for the party.
“He won’t be back,” Nick said as we hurried through the stores. The less time we were, the smaller the possibility we’d get spotted.  “He’s gonna hole up at home and forget about us.”
“He’ll be back,” I said.
“No. No, he won’t. I was hoping to talk to him before he took off, but I didn’t get a chance.  I wanted to ask you if it was okay if he came back with us. I know I was the  one going on about us being alone, but I felt bad leaving him behind. He’s still going through rough times.”
“Honey, you must know him very well,” I said.  “I’ve seen him just as much as you have, and he seems fine.”
He shook his head. “He’s not. I know them all very well.  The only reason we ever see each other during breaks is because something’s wrong. And it’s usually me. I’m the one always going to find one of them just to talk, hang out and forget about my problems. I feel bad just letting Bone go like that.  He wouldn’t have done it to me.”
“But you’re not him, Nick. Don’t get me wrong. I would have been more than happy to have him stay with us. But maybe that’s not what he wants. You just said yourself that you’re the one that goes and finds them. Maybe he knows he can do the same if he needs you.”
He nodded as he quickly went through a rounder of guy’s shirts. “I know. But he’s not going to do that.”
He looked serious, somber and more concerned than I had seen him about someone else’s problems.
“Honey, we can go find him,” I offered. “We can take off right now and go find him.”
He looked up from a dark blue shirt that didn’t begin to rival his eyes. “Um, no. I’m sorry. I don’t want to stress you out with this too. I’m sure everything’s fine.”
“You’re not,” I told him.  “But have you called him?”
He nodded. “He’s not answering. He doesn’t even have it set up so I can leave a message. He wants to be out of touch.”
“Then maybe you should let him,” I shrugged. “He’s an adult now, and he must just need time, Nick.  It’s better that he have his space.”
He just nodded and pulled out a black jersey. “Let’s go. I’m taking this. I know you, and you’re going to give me a hard time about picking something out.”
“That’s because I’m picking it out,” I chuckled as we hurried to pay.  “I remember your taste in girl’s clothes.”
He finally laughed.  “Yeah, um, okay. I’ll let you pick this time, but only because we have to hurry, and I don’t feel like fighting. But Elisa, remember that this is party.”
So he thought I was too conservative?  I sent him on his way to get some food while I bought something black and fitted that would keep us both happy.  Besides, I had the feeling that what I was wearing was going to have very little impact on how the night went.
 

“Guys!” we heard Kevin call from downstairs for the tenth time. “I’m going now.  I’m not waiting anymore.”
I was dressed, but Nick was torn between shaving off the little hair project he was growing on his chin and leaving it for the party.
“Leave it,” I told him tying the strap on my heel.  “You look good like that.”
“Yeah? Really?”
“Yeah, really.” I brushed my hair one last time and smiled at him in the mirror.
Slowly, he returned. “You look so pretty.  I like that dress.”
“It’s a skirt and shirt,” I clarified for him. “But you look pretty too.”
He laughed, turn to face me and pulled me into his arms.  “You’re not supposed to tell guys they’re pretty. You’re supposed to tell them they’re handsome.”
“Well, you’re handsome, and pretty too,” I said and kissed his scruffy chin. “I like it.”
He touched it and smiled. “Yeah, I do--.”
“Guys, that’s it. I’m gone. Just take one of my cars, Nick because I’m not waiting anymore.”
“C’mon, let’s go.”
I was barely able to grab my purse and get dragged out the door with him.
Kevin shook his head at us just as we rushed out the front door.  “I should have left you here an hour ago. We told ’D we’d be there by eleven. It’s almost twelve.”
“’D won’t even be there,” Nick said opening the passenger door to Kevin’s Forerunner for me.  “I bet we’re the first ones there.”
“Shut up,” Kevin told him. “And get in already.”
I was already putting on my seat belt.
“You look nice,” Kevin said with an obvious change in his tone.  “Nicky didn’t pick your clothes, did he?”
I shook my head and Nick laughed. “No, he didn’t.”
“Smart girl.”
We were not the first ones at the club.  Actually, I recognized many of the band, crew and security guys.   But much to everyone’s surprise, AJ was in the expansive, bright, fancy club with a girl.
“Shit,” Nick muttered as we made our way over there.
“Oh man,” Kevin said a little more loudly.
“What?”
“That’s Victoria,” Nick whispered to me. “I guess they talked?”
“I guess they did,” Kevin said. “The idiot.”
“What’s wrong with Victoria?” I whispered.
“Everything,” Kevin muttered.
“She’s got a few problems,” Nick said. “I’ll tell you about it later.”
“Guys,” AJ greeted excitedly.  “Hey, you’re all late. I’ve been here since eleven.”
“Yeah, these two were later than me,” Kevin said.  “How are you?”
“Good. Good, I’m good. Look, come say hi to Victoria.”
Kevin rolled his eyes, but Nick forced a smile and followed.  I, of course, was right behind.
And she seemed nice enough: talkative, pretty, friendly.  On first impression, I didn’t get it.  Just as we met, we made a lot of small talk with Kevin almost immediately disappearing.
After about half an hour, AJ and Nick did the same thing, and we were finally left alone to really talk.
“AJ told me all about you,” she said.  “You’re a lucky survivor.”
“Survivor?” I asked confused.
“Yeah, you survived the Kevin wrath and lived.  I mean, he hated you, but you’re back in the fold.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, so I waited.
“He hates me,” she said. “Actually, they all hate me, but he shows it more.  Nick, Brian and Howie are just polite to me, but Kevin does really, truly hate me.”
“But why? I mean, you don’t have to tell me, but--.”
She laughed. “Stuff. I mean, natural, normal, real stuff that AJ and I went through.  Stuff couples all go through, but these guys are beyond protective of each other. Whatever I did that AJ’s already forgiven me for, the other guys have not. That’s why it’s so odd that you left Nick behind, and Kevin doesn’t despise you. Unless he’s softening since he got married.”
“Kevin’s a good guy,” I echoed Nick without even thinking. “He’s just being protective, like you said. And if he’s accepted me back it’s because he doesn’t have a choice. Nick and I have made it very clear that this is about us.  Besides, they’re all adults, and --.”
She laughed again. “Yeah, but they’re men. Men are immature. That’s already a given. But can definitely be as petty and gossipy as we are. I’ve around them for years now, and let me tell you, these guys are extremely close. They’re crazy lives have made them that way.  It’s like you see hundreds of people around them on a daily basis, but they’re the core. And they take care of themselves before anything else. Kris and Leighanne are part of that now, but the same isn’t true about you and me.”
She seemed beyond paranoid.
“Really,” she said. “I don’t want to freak you out, or discourage you from being with Nick. From what AJ says, you guys haven’t had it easy. But it’s not easy. And sometimes, their jobs, and they themselves don’t make it easier.”
“The guys are great. I mean, really. Kevin and I did have problems, but he’s really cool now.  Really.”
She nodded and smiled up at AJ who was coming back toward us.  “Well, maybe they’ve changed.  Maybe not.”
“Girls,” AJ greeted handing us drinks.  “Here are your drinks.”
“Thanks. Where’s Nick?”
“With Kev,” AJ said and smiled. “Drinking.”
“Drinking?”
“Yeah, but they‘re fine. They‘re just talking about how much they‘re gonna miss each other during the break.” AJ smiled slipping his arm around Victoria.
“Are they drinking a lot?”
He shrugged. “A lot for Nick? Yes. A lot for Kevin? No. Especially not the way he’s been lately.  I wonder if something’s up with him. He’s always so busy trying to get away.”
And that strange protectiveness kicked in without me even noticing.  “I have no clue. I’ll be right back.”
AJ waved and Victoria smiled.
I found Kevin surrounded by shot glasses at the bar but no Nick.
“Hey,” I said gently.  “What are you up to? Where’s Nick?”
“Hey! Hey you!” he smiled with a smile squint in his eyes. “Wanna drink?  You did know that we have open bar, right?”
I shook my head. “Um, no thanks. I don’t want anything.  Are you all right?”
He squinted at me.  “Um, yeah. I’m all right. Why? Why do you ask?”
“Because you’re drinking excessively, and the last time you did that was in Austin. I remember you told me that you were having problems with Kris--.”
“Oh that!” Kevin chuckled. “Yeah. That’s the same.  But it’s okay. It’s no problem.”
“Kevin, if you’re drinking it away, there’s a problem.”
“No, no, no,” he said. “There’s no problem.  The only fucking problem is that I have to go back home to an empty house or back to LA with the freaks.”
“Freaks? What freaks?”
“The LA freaks, Elisa. Have you ever lived out there? Dealt with those people?” He shuddered. “They are freakish. I know that I’m supposed to be supporting her career, but I hate that place. I hate, hate, hate LA.”
“Kevin, it sounds to me like you hate that Kris is working,” I said honestly.  “That’s all you ever complain about.”
He made a face at me.  “Complain that she’s working? Why would I complain that she’s working? I don’t want her to be fucking Leighanne or Victoria just sitting on their asses all day long. I want her to work.”
He really was already out of control, and I couldn’t believe Nick wasn’t even around to help me with him.
“Listen,” I said grabbing his arm. “You’re going to have to get all this out of your system.   And drinking it away isn’t really going to help. The tour’s over. You’re going to be on your own, and you’re just going to have to deal. You can’t spend all day drinking.”
He looked at me for a while, furrowed his brow the smiled. “Wanna watch me? Wanna join me?”
“Kevin!” I protested.  “Kevin, c’mon. This isn’t fair. You have to understand that I’m mostly here because of you.  You’re the one who showed me how this isn’t impossible. Nick takes every, single thing you say serious and probably believes that he and I have a chance. That we have a chance like you and...,” I stopped myself.
“Like Kris and me had a chance?” He huffed and pushed against his wavy hair.  “Elisa, how can we have a chance when she’s not willing to compromise? You’re compromising, you’re here. She’s not compromising. She’s fucking nowhere. Since she got hurt in March, she’s just been working. That’s all this is about, her damn job.”
“And it’s been about your job, but she was here. She dealt with it. She tried,” I said not really sure if I was right or not. “Didn’t she?”
“Yeah, she tried.  She tried up until things got good for her.  Then what? Kevin goes to hell?  Screw that.”
I shook my head. “No. That’s when Kevin puts his money where his mouth is and deals.”
He clicked his teeth and shook his head at me. “Elisa, I have been dealing. I have been dealing every, single day. And where the hell is she?  She’s not you. She’s not going to come running looking for true love.  She’s going to look out for herself. That’s it. That’s all.”
I looked down at my shoes.  “No.  No, Kevin. I refuse to believe that.  There is no way I’m going to accept that you just give up on everything like that. I know you wouldn’t let me do it.  You wouldn’t let Nick do it. I’m not going to let you.”
He chuckled. “You’re cute, you know that? I see what Nick sees in you. Why he’s so in love.”
“Those are your beer goggles,” I told him just as the bartender placed a tall glass of beer in front of him.
He laughed even harder then. “And you’re funny.  You’re always way too funny.”
I pulled the glass away from him. “Don’t drink anymore, Kevin. Just don’t. You do this once, and it’s okay because it helps to make you forget. You make a habit out of this, and you’re risking a whole lot more.”
He leaned his elbow on the bar and gave me a look. “Yeah. Okay. Like what? What am I risking?”
“Just doing stupid things. People will see you like this and talk about--.”
He laughed really hard again and pulled the glass back over to himself.  “I don’t give a rat’s ass about what people say. I never have.”
“Yeah, but still, I care what people say about you.  You’re not Kevin the drunk. You’re not even Kevin the party guy. You’re a rock here.  You can’t do this.”
Something flickered in his eyes and he actually straightened up.  “Elisa, you don’t...,” he stopped. “I’m tired of being the rock.  Everyone gets to be pathetic but me.”
I was getting nowhere fast with him and still no Nick.
“Yeah well it’s because they get to be pathetic that you have to be strong,” I told him.
He shook his head and sipped his beer eyes on me the whole time. “What?” he asked once he put the glass down. “Are you gonna stick this out with me? Are you gonna stand guard to make sure I don’t throw up all over myself or fall down?”
I shrugged. “You’d do it for me. You did it for Nick. You’ve done it for them countless times.”
He chuckled and glanced up at the bright, club ceiling.  I saw him close his eyes and actually sway forward.
“Hey,” I shook him.  “Stay awake here, Kev. You pass out, and I won’t be able to carry you.”
He laughed and gripped the bar a little tighter. “Hey, you’ve never called me Kev before.  I’m okay. I just...” he trailed off, and I saw him force his eyes open. “Maybe I better get some air.”
I was pulling on his arm before he had a chance to move. “I’ll walk you.”
“No. I’m fine. Get back to Nick.”
“No,” I insisted.  “Nick’s here somewhere. I’m sure he’s fine. Let’s go outside.”
We took a back exit onto the empty side walk.
He immediately leaned against the wall.
I winced hoping he didn’t topple over or start vomiting.
“Kevin?”
He waited a while to answer me.  I watched him suck in air and look up at the stars in the clear sky.  I could still hear the fast, thumping music from the club through the brick wall.
“Are you all right?”
He nodded and ran his hands through his hair again. “I’m fine. I’m fine.”
“If you want, I can get Nick, and we can go home. Or if you want me to get Mike, I’m sure he’ll drive you back--.”
“No,” he shook his head. “Don’t even tell them. Don’t tell them I’m out here pulling this shit.”
“It’s not shit,” I said.
“Yeah. Yeah, it is. I’m not supposed to be doing this. I’m not supposed to be acting like a drunken asshole with one of my best friend’s girlfriend.  I’m sorry.”
“Don’t say sorry.  But you’re pretty messed up, and I don’t know how you’re going to get back in there.”
He shook his head. “I’m not. Not for a really long time.  I have to walk this off.”
“You’re going to walk? In the street?” He was always the most weary of unwanted attention.  “I’ll go with you.”
“No, I’m fine. Get back in there, and find Nick.  Go dance with him or you guys just take off.”
“You wouldn’t leave me out here alone,” I said.  “I’m not going to leave you.”
He smiled down at me and shook his head.  “Elisa I....,” he stopped and swallowed back whatever he was going to say. “Never mind.  C’mon.”
And we walked for the longest time up and down the grimy street.  It was a Tuesday night, and most of the other clubs and bars were closed, so there was no one out.  I realized then how being responsible and worrisome came with a high price.  Kevin was barely getting a good look at how much it was going to cost him.
“Kevin, what are you going to do? Are you going to talk to her? Are you going to deal?”
He shrugged and gave me gentle push away from a puddle. “We talk every day, Elisa. Every single day. And every day we go through the same crap. Is she coming over here? Am I going over there?  Are we going to make time to be alone together? Am I going to introduce her to those studio guys I told her about?” he shook his head.  “It’s the same shit every day. I’m tired. I’m so damn tired. I want to go home and sleep for days on end, but she wants me out there. She wants me to go smile and help out.” He shrugged. “My big thing with Bri was always that Leigh used him to get acting jobs, and Kristin never did that to me. I guess that’s not exactly true, huh?”
“She wants you there because she loves you not because she needs your support as a celebrity.”
“And I want her support as my wife. You think these next eight weeks are gonna last?  They’re going to float right by. Before you know it, it’ll be August, and we’ll be talking about a new record, a new tour and a shit load of work.  I wanted to go home and be with her. Maybe talk about starting our family. At this pace, we’ll have kids when we’re forty.”
“And you want them now?”
“Not now. But soon.  Before I’m so old and my knees give out that my kids won’t know what did for a living.  Before this whole thing is over.”
I stopped walking.
“What?” he asked looking around. “What’s wrong?”
“You. You’re wrong.”
He made a face. “Look, I was wrong to get drunk again tonight but--.”
“No, not about getting drunk. You’re wrong about Kristin not caring enough or about her being selfish. Love is not selfish.  It isn’t. Not ever. She is doing what she always wanted just you did it. It’s not her fault that her craft is taking her longer to develop.  You’re just going to have to be patient like she was patient all those years with you.”
He was already shaking his head. “Elisa, no.”
“Kevin, yes.  It’s not fair for you to think the whole thing has gone south because you’re not getting your way. This is not about you. This is about both of you.  Both of you. I left my sister two weeks before the most important day of her life.  I have a student who was barely going to get out of the hospital after a six week stay.  You’re going to have to give some too.  I know Nick’s tired. I know he’d rather be home and go sailing, but he’s going to the wedding with me.  Maybe you’re just going to have to go to LA whether you hate it or not. I’m sure at one point, she did it for you.”
“Many times she did it for me,” he said looking at the cracked sidewalk. “So you think I’m selfish?”
“I think you’re probably just tired. You’ve dealt with the tour, the guys, my shit, everything.”
He chuckled. “Sh, don’t say shit.”
I think I might have actually turned red.  Nick never cared about my cussing, but he was a whole different world from Kevin.
“I’m serious,” I said.  “Really.  Maybe you don’t understand how much your confidence means to somebody like me.  How your trust, your faith that things will work out makes me doubt less.”
“Look, I never--.”
I shrugged. “Kevin, I don’t understand why you’ve done half of what you’ve done for me and Nick. Because you have to know, that I had honestly given up.  I had just decided that it was never going to be, and Nick and me would never fit together in the world. I had completely given up.  If you hadn’t gone to find me, if we had never talked, I would still be home sulking.”
He just shook his head at that and squinted down the empty street.
“I love him,” I said. “I think I did since I got to know him so long ago.  But I was ready to give up on that love because I didn’t think I deserved it.  You made me see that I do but only if I’m willing to work.  And I am.”
“I love her,” he said finally. “I love her much more than anything else in the whole world.”
“Much more than you’re tired?”
He nodded. “Yeah.   A whole world more.”  He sighed and looked back up at the stars again.
“Are you okay?”
“Yup,” he said. “I’d better get you back inside before Nick thinks I’ve kidnapped you.”
“Yeah, like I’m one of Brian’s dogs or something.”
He laughed pretty hard at that one and pulled me back up the street.  “Girl, you are really funny. You know that?”
It really was like a bad soap opera when we hit the entrance of the club, and there was Nick looking like Chicken Little.
“Hey Frack, is the sky falling?” Kevin asked seemingly thinking the same thing I was.
“Hm, no,” he said and stared at me. “You guys were outside?”
“Yeah,” Kevin told him. “Your girlfriend was nice enough to baby-sit a drunk. But you can have her back now.”
“Thanks,” Nick said uneasily.  “You guys okay?”
“Fine,” Kevin said stepping past him. “I’m gonna find Bri then probably go home. You guys wanna come?”
“No, we’ll get a ride back later,” Nick told him.
“See you at the house,” he called still a little lop-sided.
I smiled at Nick. “What?”
“He’s wasted?”
“He’s better now. Were you drinking with him?”
“I had a couple, but then I was too busy looking for you. Well, for you guys. He’s gonna get the shock of his life when he finds Bri.”
“Why?” I asked pulling his hand into mine.
“Kris is here. She came to surprise him.”
I tried not to look too stunned, like it didn’t worry me that she was a few seconds away from finding us together outside.  “That’s good. He really needs to see her.”
“Why?  What’s going on? Is that what you guys were talking about out there?”
I ignored the tinge of jealousy in his voice.  “Yeah honey. What else?  He’s been stressing over her since Austin and--.”
“Since Austin? That’s why he got drunk in Austin?”
I nodded. “Sorry I didn’t mention anything to you. He asked me not to because I think he just let it slip.  But it’s fine now, especially if she’s here.”
He gave me a funny look.  “I always wanted you guys to get along, but now I’m not sure if..,” he stopped.  “You still love me, right?”
I had to laugh. “I never stopped, Nick. Stop playing.”
He wrinkled his nose. “Who said I was playing?  C’mon. Let’s go say hi to Kris.”   He pulled me and stopped a few steps inside the club.   “So you knew before any one of us knew that they’re having problems?”
“He let it slip because he was drunk, Nick. It’s not like he told me.”
“Um-huh,” he said.
“Look, you still haven’t told me why you guys hate Victoria. She seems nice enough.”
Nick rolled his eyes.  “It’s a long, stupid story I’ll tell you about on the plane.”
“The plane,” I sighed. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to get on the plane and be alone.”
“Yeah,” he said in an un-Nick-like sarcastic tone.  “Someday, we’ll get on that plane and get on with our own lives.”

It turned out that AJ had been the first one in line to get married. He and Victoria had shared a storybook romance that began right after the fame hit and had gone on for three years before they decided to tie the knot. AJ, in typical AJ fashion, was beyond excited.  Victoria was apparently swimming in doubts because she called the whole thing off a couple of weeks before the big day.  And that wasn’t even why they hated her.
“.... after that it was come and go with them. She seemed to know that he would take her back no matter what.  If she got tired of the tours, she’d up and leave him. If she got tired of dealing with the rest of us, she left him. If she got tired of his mom--.”
“She left him?” I asked and leaned against Nick’s shoulder on the plane.
“Um-huh,” he said.
“But all that is their business. How did you guys get involved to the point that you all hate her?”
I heard him sigh and his shoulder rose and fell.  “We don’t... Well, I don’t hate her. But she’s given him a whole bunch of shit, and many times, he’s just taken it. She’s gone out on him, and he’s taken her back. She’s charged up I don’t know how many credit cards that he’s given her, and he’s taken her back.  She’s been in Kevin’s face more times than I can count.”
I laughed at that one.
“What? What’s so funny?”
“Kevin. He would be arguing with some girl because--.”
“Because she was out with some other guy when AJ thought she was still his girlfriend. Kevin and Howie bumped into her at some club, and Train just lost it.  I still remember that because it was way before I even met you.  But I remember our next meeting at Lou’s office and how pissed off AJ was. He was majorly pissed that Kevin would even get involved in his private life.  They had this huge fight, and Bri and me just stood there staring like we couldn’t believe it.  Like we didn’t understand why it was such a big deal to Kevin. But somehow, I think we both knew we’d be on the other side of that one day.” He laughed. “More than once.”
“Kevin really, really loves you guys,” I said.
“Yeah,” he said softly and dropped off so that we heard other people’s conversations, the sound of the engine and crumpling of papers and soda cans.
“That wasn’t the worst of it, though,” he said more quietly now.  “That’s not why I dislike her.”
I sat up and looked at him, “Then why?”
“Hm, AJ did a lot of crazy stuff when she broke up with him. I mean, the getting drunk I guess is sorta expected when you’re down. But he was wilder than that. I saw him really hurt himself, and that’s what made me mad at her anyway.”
Victoria’s words of how they protected their core came back to me, and I was afraid to ask for more details.
“But he came out okay, right? It’s not like things stayed bad.”
“No,” Nick said and dropped it.
We stayed quiet for a bit, and I heard a baby cry and the crunching coming from someone’s headphones.
“AJ gave her credit cards?” I asked.
He laughed. “Yeah. He did, but don’t get any ideas, because I’m not giving you any credit cards.”
I snapped my fingers disappointed. “Darn.”
He laughed harder and leaned closer to me.  “I can actually brag that my girlfriend has a career that has nothing to do with the business.”  He leaned over and kissed the top of my head.  “And a college degree at that.”
I had to laugh. “You’re real proud of me, huh?”
“Actually yeah. I know you’re joking, but I am.  I am proud of you. I remember when we met you were in the middle of all that stuff: studying for tests, going to class, taking me country dancing.”
I laughed at the far away memory.  “You caught on fast. I haven’t gone country dancing since then.”
“Hm, maybe after all the wedding stuff is over, we can go. Wanna go?”
“Honey, we can do whatever you want.  Seriously. After Laura’s wedding, I won’t care if we disappear off the face of the Earth for awhile.”
He sighed again and slumped down a bit in his seat. “Me either.   But I‘m sorry, you know?”
“About what?”
“About how things got so crazy with the guys. About having to baby-sit AJ and Kevin at different times. About how we didn’t really get to spend enough time alone and enjoy the traveling or anything like that.”
I shrugged. “It’s okay. They’re your friends, and you know I’ve really gotten to like them.  I understand exactly why you needed to be around.  I would feel responsible for them too.”
“I wasn’t exactly there for them in the past, so I guess that’s why I want to be there now.”
“Hey, you don’t have to explain anything to me,” I told him. “Really.”
He was quiet for a second then he sat up and faced me.  “You and Kev are a lot alike, you know that?”
That threw me, so I gave him a look. “What do you mean? We couldn’t be more different.”
“You are alike.  I never thought about how much closer in age you two are.  Or how you both spend so much time reassuring other people.  I think it’s because of both of you that I even feel responsible for anyone else but myself.  That’s all I ever worried about before:  me.  But you guys are very similar in how you worry, how you check everything and everyone out before trusting them. I just never noticed that before.”
I eyed him because it had hit me that he might think Kevin and I got along too well. He joked about me not loving him anymore, but I wondered if anything that far from reality had wandered into his brain.
“Honey, Kevin’s a great guy.  I don’t think I compare a whole lot to him. When he came to find me last March, that’s all I could think. Here’s this guy that keeps everything together, and here I am letting everything fall apart.”
“Yeah, but the funny thing is that he didn’t hold things together that much.  You saw how he reacted when things got bad with Kris.”
I shrugged. “Everyone’s allowed to be pathetic, Nick. Even him.”
He sighed and settled back into his seat. “Yeah, I guess.  Even him.”
 
 

In all the times that I had gone out to clubs with Nick and the guys, I had not gotten drunk, not once.  I had been more than in control as I watched the guys mope over their lives the very way I had in the not-so-recent past, and I‘m not really sure why.  Maybe I needed to be for the conversation we were about to have.
But the night before my sister’s wedding, I got drunk at her bachelorette party.
“Look at you,” Nick laughed when Laura walked me in the house at four in the morning.  “I got her,” he told her pulling me to himself. “You girls partied it up a bit too much?”
I heard her laugh. “I think she’s just not used to it anymore.  She didn’t drink that much.”
“That much?” Nick echoed. “But enough, I guess, huh? How was the party? Did you get a stripper?”
Laura laughed but didn‘t answer. And I couldn‘t remember if we had one.
“Hey Nick!” I greeted happily.
“Ugh, you’re toasted,” he said.  “You do realize we all have to be up in a couple of hours.”
“Tell me about it,” Laura said disappearing to the kitchen. I watched her confused.
“She’s staying here, remember? She didn’t want that guy, Paul, to see her in her dress?” Nick clarified for me. “Should I just go dump you on the bed.”
“No,” I said hanging on to his neck.  “Unless you’re coming with me, and then--.”
“And then no,” Nick said steadily as we maneuvered toward the couch.  “We need to sleep, and that’s what we’re doing tonight, okay?”
I nodded just as I landed on the couch. “Okay.”
“’Night Nicky,” Laura said as she crossed from the kitchen toward her old room with a glass of water in her hand.  “Want to dump her in a cold shower?”
“Well...,” Nick began.
“No,” I protested sitting up. “You guys...,” I had to stop as they both spun hard in front of me.
“Elisa? Elisa, you’re not going to hurl, are you?” Nick’s baby voice asked, and I laughed.
“No. I’m not going to hurl.  What? Do you think I can’t hold my own liquor? You think that I’m like one of your friends? Like AJ or Kevin that get all wasted and then have no clue which way is up.”
He actually laughed. “Oh. And you’re doing an awesome job holding you liquor, Elisa. Really. I think you’re going to get a prize.”
I sat up again. “Really? Where?”
“Ugh,” he moaned again.  “I’m kidding, you silly drunk.  I think I should go get you some water.  You’re going to be sick tomorrow, and you can’t really afford to be.”
I laughed and leaned back while he also disappeared into the kitchen.  It had been so long since I felt the whole world fuzzy and far away.  I don’t really think I missed it as much as I understood why people got drunk for fun.
It was fun.
“No, no you don’t, lushy,” Nick said sitting down next to me again. “You’re not going to sleep just like that. Here, drink some water and take this aspirin.”
I half-opened my eyes at him to find the most gorgeous guy in the whole world try to figure out a way to keep me from being very hung over for my sister’s wedding.
I touched his scruffy chin. “Are you shaving tomorrow?”
“Do you want me to?” he asked putting the glass of water in my hand.
“Naw, I like you like that.”
“Okay. I won’t shave,” he said.  “Drink the water and take the aspirin.”
“Why do I need aspirin?” I asked taking a sip of my water.
“They’ll help to get rid of the hang over,” he informed me. “That day I got really drunk after you left me in Oklahoma City, Brian pumped me full of water and aspirin. I didn’t feel so bad.”
I swallowed the pills with another drink of water.
He really was beautiful. How I could have hurt someone so special, I had no clue.
“What?” he asked when he seemed to get uncomfortable with me gazing drunkenly at him.
“I dumped you in Oklahoma City,” I said aloud for the first time in my life.
“Yeah, you did,” he said.  “But that was a long, long time ago.”
I bit my lip to stop the crazy thought that were spinning through my drunken head.
“What?” he asked again.
“I’m sorry,” I said so softly that it didn’t come out, so I had to clear my throat. “I’m sorry I ever did that. I was lost and stupid, and--.”
He stopped me by pulling me closer to himself. “Baby, you’re drunk. You don’t have to apologize for something that happened so long ago. I don’t hold it against you.”
“But you should,” I said. “I mean, I just left you there with some stupid note for an explanation. And you were so young, that I don’t understand how you ever able to forgive me. How you don’t hate me now, to this day.”
“I don’t hate you because I love you, silly. Stop talking drunk.”
I pulled myself away from his hold, pushed my messy hair out of my face and looked at him. “Nick, drunks and children don’t lie. I’m being honest  when I tell you that I don’t understand how you’ve forgiven me for that. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to get back to the hotel and realize that I wasn’t there.  That after I had sworn all kinds of love to you, I left.”
He swallowed hard and pushed a stray strand of hair behind my ear.  Then he leaned forward and kissed my cheek.
“It was hell,” he said simply.
“I‘m sorry,” I said again. “I never, ever wanted to hurt you.  I just thought the it would be harder if I waited.”
He chuckled. “It was hard enough. I mean, I remember I was going to stay for the after party, but I just kept thinking about you. I kept thinking about how it was the first time we were apart since I came back here.”
I watched him hoping he‘d tell me the whole story because I really wanted to hear it.  I just wanted to know how bad I had made things for him so that I would never do it again.
“I think that day I felt more lost than I ever had in my whole life,” he continued.  “There I was in the stupid hotel thinking you’d be back. Even though, I read the note over and over, I kept thinking that it was lie, and you’d be back.  And I sat there on that bed waiting for you.  I think it was sunrise when I just fell over and slept.”  He sighed. “We were supposed to get on the bus around nine that morning, but I couldn’t even move. I remember that I opened my eyes, the note was still crumpled in my hand, and I just didn’t move.  Brian came knocking on the door, and I ignored him. The phone rang. My cell rang, and I was just there. It must have been nearly ten by the time, Kevin opened the door to the adjoining room and found me.   He thought I was sick or something, but then he realized you weren’t there.”  He laughed. “Your buddy Train cursed you then.  And how.  But he made me get up and move.  He made me.”
“I’m sorry,” I said and touched his soft cheek.
“I told you I was over it. I don’t even think you’d have any reason to apologize. If you remember, you gave me a choice in your note. You said I could come back, but I never did.”
“I didn’t think you would,” I said.  “I was sure that you wouldn’t. I just spent what was left of Christmas here, crying.”
He smiled slightly and pulled me back into his arms. “Elisa, we have been to hell and back, okay?  It was your fault, and it was mine, but it’s over now.  We’re where we’re supposed to be, and it’s going to work out.  I’m going to make it work out, and so are you.”
Finally, the sleepy stage of drunkenness hit, and I leaned into him.  “I love you so much.”
He laughed, and it was funny sound to hear through his warm chest. “I love you so much too.  Let’s just get some sleep okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
I think he might have meant for us to go to bed, but I conked out right there.
 
 

I squinted in the bright, sunlight of the church patio.
I really should not have drank so much. My head throbbed, and my stomach felt like it would never be up to eating again.  I was barely coming to my senses about half an hour before the ceremony.  But I had been conscious since six that morning when Nick and Laura made me shower and put me in the hands of some stylist who insisted on pinning up my hair with little decorative flowers.
My dress was soft yellow, and really very pretty, but it had not functionality at all.  It was all pouf and noisy as I waited around holding Laura’s bouquet.  We were supposed to take a few more pictures together then go drive around until it was time for her big arrival.
“You look like a pretty, hung over banana.”
I turned slowly to not upset my hair or my aching head.
Nick laughed happily in his dark blue suit.  “Banana.”
“Stop,” I told him squinting at the bright sun.  “Stop laughing.”
“Here,” he pulled off his sunglasses and stuck them on my face. “Now you look like a cool, pretty, hung over banana.”
“I don’t look like a banana.”
He grinned and looked around the sweet courtyard.  “This is so rest of your life,” he said with a sigh. “Brian got married in a big church like this. Kevin got married outside.”
I nodded and glanced around his broad shoulders. “Where’s my sister? She’s not chickening out, is she?”
“No, she’s not chickening out. I think she’s talking to the priest, but she’ll be right out.  You know what you have to do? You guys rehearse all of this?”
I nodded and my head seemed disconnected from my hair.
Nick chuckled.
I finally smacked his shoulder. “Stop laughing at me.”
“I’m not,” he laughed.  “I’m just trying to get over what they did to your hair.”
“That does it,” I said and started pulling out the pins and little flowers that were holding up the whole mess.
“Elisa, maybe you shouldn’t,” Nick said watching me with a grimace. “What if you can’t fix it?”
“You think this is fixed?” I asked shaking out my long, wavy hair.  “She just piled it all on my head. I hate it.”
Nick smiled and helped me pull out the pins and settle it freely at my shoulders like I always wore it.
“Hey, that’s you,” he smiled and kissed my cheek. “Much better.  Here, let me have those.”  I placed the little flowered pins in his hand.
“I can’t believe she’s finally getting married,” I said.
“Yeah, aren’t all your sisters already married?” he asked and pushed a strand of stubborn hair off my face.
“Yeah, the other two were married a long time back.  Now, it’s just me. I’m the only single one.”
He nodded and reached back to my hair.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
He smiled. “Nothing.  I’m not doing anything. It’s just you left some of those pin thingies in your hair, and I’m taking them out. Look, there’s another one.”
I let him play with my hair until Laura hurried back out to us.
“Okay. Paul’s on his way, so we’re off.  And the church is packed.  We’re only going to drive around the church once, and then just come back.  You remember everything you need to--,” she stopped at stared at me. “What happened to your hair?”
“I like it better down,” I said.
She nodded. “Okay. Me too. Let’s go.”
“Bye Nick,” I said and gave him a fast kiss.
“Bye girls,” he said.
“Take off those shades,” Laura said not turning back to me.
I pulled them off and handed them back to Nick.
Once we were in the limousine, I found the mirror in the emergency bag Laura was carrying around.  And I was really happy with my hair except for the little, plastic flowers Nick had stuck back in it.
I started to pull them off, but Laura stopped my hand. “Leave them, they look good.”
 
 

The evening was full of family, friends I hardly ever saw and all the best wishes in the world for Laura and Paul.  My sisters had both made it home with their families in tow, and they were more than intrigued by Nick.
“You look familiar,” Susana, my older sister who lived in Austin, told him late into the evening.
He smiled his best smile at her. “I do?  A lot of people tell me that.”
She shook her head. “No. No, I know you. I’ve seen you before.  I just can’t think of where.  Are you from Austin?”
He shook his head, “No, but I was just there last month.  Maybe I just look like someone you know.”
Susana is the kind of woman who think she has it all figured out. And usually, she does.
“No,” she said. “I know that I’ve seen specifically you before.”
I smiled and looked down at the table because she wasn’t going to give up.
“Mom?”
“Hang on,” Susana told my nine-year old niece.  “I know I--.”
“Mom?”
“Just wait.”
I looked up to find Nick smile at the little girl and give it all away. I was sure he was doing it on purpose because just then she practically squealed, and I winced.
“Now let’s see...,” Susana was saying.  “Maybe you pick up your kid brother or sister at Claudia’s school.  Maybe that’s where I--.”
“Mom!” Claudia had lost it.
“What, Claudia? What? Why are you interrupting me?”
Nick giggled, and Claudia sat forward to explain exactly who he was to my sister.
“Oh my God, you’re right!” Susana said eyes bulging.  “You’re that Backstreet Boy guy! You’re him! We went to see you in concert last month.”
I suddenly became interested in the table again when I realized that I hadn’t even invited them. I didn’t know for sure that Claudia was a fan, and of course, I had been too caught up in myself to figure it out.
“Did you enjoy the show?” Nick was asking.  “We performed two nights, and the first night, the sound wasn’t that good.”
“It was great,” Claudia smiled.
“It was great way in the back of the auditorium,” Susana huffed.  “We made the best with what we could.”
I knew her eyes were blasting right through me.  I cleared my throat and started to think of something.
“We’ll go through Austin again before you know it,” Nick said assuredly. “That or you can come visit us out on the next tour. We’re always inviting family.”  He sat up.  “You know what would be cool?  We’re doing some shows in Mexico in early September, and maybe you could go then.  My treat.”
It was my turn to stare at him.
He just shrugged. “It could be fun.  After that, we wrap up this tour and get another break for awhile.  I’m trying to talk Elisa into moving back to Tampa with me.” He slipped his arm around me, and I heard Claudia giggle.
“Really?” Susana asked with that typical big sister doubt in her voice.  “That could be interesting.”
I smiled. “Um, yeah.”
Nick was used to the playful banter between Laura and me, but my older sisters made me uncomfortable. Susana, especially, took on a judgmental attitude with me more often that not. She was older, she thought she knew what was best. She wanted to be my Kevin, but I had never been a willing Nick.
He gave me a confused look then sat back and shut his mouth.
Claudia was back to whispering stuff to Susana, who listened then started laughing.
“C’mon mom. Please?”
Susana kissed her on the cheek and looked at Nick.
“Ask your Aunt Elisa.”
“You ask her,” Claudia whined. “Please?”
Nick and me exchanged confused looks.
“Claudia wants to know if you’ll let Nick dance with her,” Susana smiled at me.
“Of course, but you better ask Nick.  He likes for girls to make the first move,” I whispered just to Claudia.
She looked up at him, and he smiled into her big, brown eyes.
“I want to dance right now,” Nick said full of enthusiasm again.  “Let’s go.  I’ll be back.”
I nodded. “Okay. Sure.”
Susana watched them smiling until they found an empty spot on the crowded dance floor and danced.  Claudia had the biggest smile on her face that I had ever seen. No wait. I had seen that smile before.  I saw it when I looked in the mirror since Nick returned to my life.
“So that’s you,” Susana said.  “You’re the small, latin-looking, quiet girl Jerky Jake Jergins in the mornings saw at the concerts?”
“What?” I asked.
“Um-huh,” she said.  “Do you know who he is? He’s a morning DJ in town, and he was on the morning after the concert talking about how Nick had a girlfriend.  But he really didn’t go into much detail except to say that she was quiet, and that the guys were being very hush-hush about it.”
I nodded. “Nick and I decided to keep it private. It’s easier that way.”
“Are you sure he’s just not hiding you?”
It was better not to acknowledge her ignorance.  “No. I’m sure. It was my decision.”
“And how long have you guys been together? I saw you in Austin just last March, and you didn’t mention anything.  Where’d you meet him? What’s he like?  Have you met the other guys?  You’ve held out on me a long time, Elisa,” Susana smiled. “And I want details.”
I gave her most of what she wanted in the quickest summary I could come up with. And she listened with scrutiny.
“So, he’s only 21?”
I nodded.
“Are you sure he’s going to take you seriously? Don’t you think that he could be dating any other girl? What if--.”
“I don’t live in the ‘what-if’s’ any more,” I told her plainly.  “I live in the now. I love him, and--.”
“And you never know what could happen.  You loved Alex and Daniel, and look where that got you.”
I was tired from partying the night before. I was very happy that Laura had gotten married. It made me feel good to share Nick with the rest of the people in my life.  And I should have expected Susana’s doubts.
“I love him,” I told her again.  “I already spent too much time worrying about the future.  So much so, that I never enjoyed the present. For this one time, Susana, I’m going to live like there’s no tomorrow.”
She blinked at my tone.
“Fine,” she dropped it.
But she had gotten to me, just like she always did. There was no way that I could hide it.
“I’m going to go check in with Laura.  After all, this wedding is about her and her life, right?”
“Elisa!” Susana protested my sarcasm and looked at me like she was ready to stop being a bitch, but I had just started.
I didn’t stop.  I stepped around the dance floor, through the crowd and back to Laura who was getting ready to leave.
“I’m throwing the bouquet,” she announced.  “Want me to throw it at you?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“It’s Susana. What else. But I’ll tell you later. Let’s do this.”
They cleared the dance floor and organized the old, pathetic ritual of making single women look stupid.  I pretended to crowd the dance floor with the rest of them, then just when Laura turned around, I stepped out and found my way Nick.
“Hey,” he grabbed on to my waist. “I’m gonna throw you back out there.”
“You’d better not.  I’m not about to stand out there and fight for a bunch of flowers that mean nothing. I’m not next. I’m not getting married.  I’m not going to humiliate myself chasing after Laura’s bouquet as if it means anything to anyone but Laura.”
He blinked at me.
I turned back to the frenzy of girls in formals jockeying for position.
“C’mon,” Nick said and pulled me out one of the back doors.
We stepped out into the still, warm June night. He steered me through the cars that crowded the parking lot and led me all the way back the fancy car he had rented for the wedding.
“C’mon,” he repeated and helped me to sit up on the hood.  My dress crackled softly beneath me, and he jumped up as well.  “What’s going on?”
“Nothing.”
“Then why are you pouting?”
“I’m not pouting,” I said.
He laughed. “I know a pout when I see one. I should. I am the king of pouts. What’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Nick. Nothing new. Nothing you can help me with.”
“Oh,” he sighed.  “Your niece is cute. She looks a lot like you.”
“Yeah. The poor thing was born to Susana, and now she’s stuck.”
He chuckled softly. “I was wondering if she had said something to you.  Your sister seems a little, um, patronizing.”
“Patronizing?” I laughed. “That’s a nice word compared to the one I thought up for her, Nick.”
“What’d she say? What’d she do? C’mon tell me.”
“It’s not what she said. I don’t care about what she said.  She can say whatever the hell she wants. I don’t care.”
“Then what’s wrong?”
I shrugged and looked around at the night.
“Did she tell you something about me?”
“Yeah, but that--.”
He sighed hard again. “I figured.  The whole night she had been looking at me like I wasn’t fit to tie your shoe laces.  When she found out how old I was, she probably figured that I didn’t know how to tie your shoe laces, huh?”
“It’s not about you tying anyone’s shoe laces. It’s about me never being able to tie my own. She thinks I haven’t changed. She thinks I’m still that dumb ass girl without a brain in her head that goes around falling in love with any dumb ass guy.”
Nick put his arm around my shoulder and kissed my hair.  “But you know you’re not--.”
“I know I’m not. I know that. But I also want to have some kind of family life with them. I wanted share you with them, and for her to give you a chance. But hell, she won’t even give me a chance.”
“Well Elisa, did you tell her that’s what you thought? Were you straight with her?”
“I don’t even deal with her, Nick. There’s no point. I’m always going to be her stupid little sister.”
He laughed. “I thought I’d always be Kevin’s stupid little brother. But I’m not. It’s the same for you.”
“Women are different,” I told him flatly.  “She’s just so smug.”
“I saw that pretty quickly too.  Just let her be wrong, Elisa. Whatever she said about you, about me, just let her be wrong.  Because she is, right? Whatever she said about us, she was wrong.”
I didn’t answer.
“Hey,” Nick said letting go of me and sliding off the car.  He stood in front of me and pulled my hands into his.  “She’s wrong. She’s wrong.  She does not know one thing about us, about how we got here. So she’s just wrong. Right?”
I nodded at him as he pulled my hands to his face.
“Even if you think she’s not wrong, I’m gonna prove her wrong,” he said and kissed my left hand then my right hand.
“I think she’s wrong.  I just wish it wasn’t like that. That she wasn’t like that,” I said finally going back to him.  He smiled up at me, and I caressed his soft cheek while he kissed my other hand again.
“Wanna go home?” he asked still holding my hand to his mouth.
“Yeah.” From where I was sitting I could see people making their way outside and to their cars. Laura’s limousine was long gone.  “Let’s go home.”
He helped me off the car and started to get inside.
“Hey unless...,” Nick smiled as he started putting on his seat belt. “Unless we go do that country dancing we were talking about.”
I laughed. “Dressed like this?”
“Yup. Dressed like this.  Want to?”
Typical of Nick to take a bad moment and make it good.  I wondered if there was anything he couldn’t fix.
“Yeah. Let’s go.”
 

We split our eight week vacation between El Paso and Tampa.  He really had eight weeks. I really had seven if I wanted to return to school before the kids got there.  I didn’t want to be away from home the whole time because I had to catch up on David’s family situation.  He had been released from the hospital but had to endure painful rehabilitation sessions.  His mom was barely going to get out of the hospital, and his dad was all but back to normal.
“Can you imagine?” Nick was saying as we left the hospital the night before our trip back to Tampa.  “I mean, his whole life changed in a matter of seconds.
Nick had gone with me as we visited the little guy during one of his rehabilitation sessions.
“Yeah and you wonder why you being on that bus stressed me out so much.”
He smiled.  “Yeah, but I’m fine. So don’t--.”  His cell started to ring, so he answered.  “Yeah?.... Hey!” he laughed. “How are you?... Oh, you’re welcome.... Nuh-uh... It wasn’t that big a deal...”
We continued toward my car and he continued to talk and laugh happily.
“Well, who do you think picked it?... Of course she did... You think I suddenly got any idea what to give for a first year anniversary?”
I knew then he was talking to Kevin.  He and Kristin had just celebrated their first year anniversary and we sent them a fancy first anniversary basket complete with champagne, champagne flutes, picture frames, candy and other goodies.  Nick had forgotten the exact date, so we ended up going on a fan page to look it up.  Then we had to order it online even though I had wanted to get them something more meaningful.
“...my idea was a snow globe with a picture of me in it,” Nick was saying with a laugh. “Really.”
I laughed. He loved kidding around with the guys so much, but then he stopped laughing.
“Really?... Really?... Why?... Okay, when?... We’re on our way to Tampa tomorrow, so you can just go out there...Yes, you can... Yes, you can... Yes, you--.” He obviously got interrupted and made a face at me.
“What?” I asked starting to get worried.
He shook his head. “Well, what are you gonna do there alone, Kev?... Go home.  Go to Florida.  Don’t just stay there alone...” He made another face.  “Yeah. Okay.... Okay... Okay, I won’t... I won’t tell anyone... Talk to you soon... Bye.”
“What’s wrong?” I asked as soon as he clicked off the phone. “Is he okay?”
He shrugged. “Not sure.  Kris and him celebrated their anniversary in LA, and now she’s gonna start filming a movie.”
“Good for her,” I said.
“Yeah, but she’s never home. He’s getting frustrated because they were rushed through their anniversary celebration.  He wanted them to go back to Kentucky, but they didn’t have time.”
“He’s pissed?”
He shrugged. “Disappointed. I invited him out to Tampa with us. I know we said that we wanted to be alone, but I just don’t...,” he trailed off and snuck in a small smile.  “I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “You know what I think about them already. I don’t mind.”
He opened the passenger door for me with the same, beautiful smile.  “That’s why I love you so very much.”
I knew very well that wasn’t the only reason why. But I wondered what life would be like if I wasn’t so understanding. I knew that Brian got ribbed for Leighanne’s attitude toward the guys. She wasn’t exactly accepting of them encroaching on their private time. AJ and Victoria had pretty much dropped off the face of the Earth, so they weren‘t going to be Kevin‘s refuge if he needed one.
It might have been Kevin himself who established a strange, open phone line rule between him and Nick.  If Nick ever needed him, all he had to do was call anytime, anyplace.  I just don’t think he thought he’d ever be the one calling Nick.
But it happened, just a lot of things that we don’t think will happen often do.
 
 

Late that first night in Tampa, I woke up because I heard a strange faraway noise.
The room was dark, and all I could hear immediately was the ocean, then as my senses came back to me, I heard Nick’s breathing.  It wasn’t that same, even breathing I was used to falling asleep or waking up to. It wasn’t even the snoring that he occasionally broke into when he was really tired.  The sound was more jagged, unsteady and off any sleeping rhythm I had heard.
I sat up and leaned over his sleeping form. He still slept exactly the same way: on his side, his knees slightly raised with one arm folded under his head and the other around his middle.  From what I could make out in the dark, his knees were up higher, and he was holding himself closer.
He twitched, and his breathing went faster.
Just on impulse, I touched his arm, but he moved it away and mumbled something in his sleep.
He never talked in his sleep.
I went back to my side and turned on the lamp.  Even the shadows, I could tell he was having a nightmare. His face was contorted deep in worry that I had never, ever seen before.  There was a thin veil of sweat over his upper lip.
“Nick?” I whispered trying to reach him.
He mumbled something else, pulled his knees up higher  and tried to dig his face into his arm.
“Um..... umf...no,” was what I understood this time.
“Nick?” I tried again a little more loudly. “Honey, wake up.”
He flinched against my touch and continued in that same lost state even though his breath seem to steady somewhat.
I pulled the sheets up over him figuring he was probably just cold.  I scooted in closer to him and slipped my arm around him to comfort him.  Maybe the nightmare had gone the way it came.
I was probably just about to slip back into my own dreams, when he gasped and jerked up into a sitting position.
“Nick?” I was up as quickly as I could. “Hey.  Hey, what’s wrong?”
Though he was sitting on the edge of the bed, he seemed to have no clue where he was.  He had his arms crossed protectively over his chest and seemed to be having a hard time looking up.
I moved closer to him and grabbed his arms.  He was freezing.  “Nick? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
He blinked at me, and I practically saw him return to consciousness as he jaw dropped.
“Oh my ... God,” he breathed.
I rubbed his arms and reached up to wipe the cold sweat from his lip and face.  “Honey, what is it? It’s just a nightmare, right? You’re all right. You’re okay.  You’re shaking,” I said just as I realized that he was. “What’s wrong?”
He shook his head slowly and pushed his hair off his face as if trying to catch his breath and come back to himself.
“It’s okay,” I said pulling him back to me. “It’s all right. You’re fine.”
He let me hold him close to me and kiss his face.  The whole time we were back together, I had not seen him that vulnerable, that lost.  He hid his face in my neck and held on tighter than ever.
“What happened?” I asked after he was able to let go of me, go to the bathroom and return to bed.  By then, I had turned on the lights and the television figuring he wasn’t going to get anymore sleep.
“Nightmare,” he said sitting down on the edge of the bed again.  It was almost like he was afraid to go back to the same thing.
I tried to smile. “Honey then it’s gone. If it was just a nightmare, it’s not going to be real. Not ever.”
He shook his head, and I could tell he hadn’t let go. He was in that state where you just can’t seem to understand how this is your reality and not the bizarre dream that held you captive.
I scooted next to him and pulled his hand to mine. “What happened? What’d you dream? Are you going to tell me?”
He shook his head at first, then he looked up at me.
I saw his expression change, and I guess it was because he saw the worry in mine.
“It was nothing,” he said softly.
“It was something.  Something big, Nick. I’d never seen you have a nightmare.”
“I haven’t had one in a long time,” he said. “Not like that, not since I was a kid.”
I decided to try again. “What did you dream?”
He looked down at the rug below his bare feet then up at me.  “Elisa, I don’t want to tell you. If I tell you, I’ll just remember it, and I don’t want to.”
He hadn’t been that much a kid in a long time.
I sighed.  “Okay.  Then you don’t have to. You don’t have to remember anything.  Just know that it was just a nightmare. That’s all.”
He nodded.
“C’mere,” I told him and pulled him back to me.  I let him rest his head on my lap while I played with his hair, and I know we both just stared at the television.  And that was all the noise that filled the room for a couple of hours.
The sun was finally peeking through the heavy blinds when he finally sighed and sat up.
“You okay?” I asked.
He nodded.  “Fine.”
“Want to go get some breakfast? We can if you want--.”
“I want to tell you.” He pulled my hand into his and sat indian-style in front of me.
“Okay. Tell me.” I sucked in air expecting to hear something horrible.
He bit his lip and looked down at our hands.  “It was, um, the bus.  We were all on the bus, and it ... it crashed.”
“Nick, I’m sorry. That’s my fault. I was the one going on and on about you being on that bus at night.  I put that image in your brain. After everything that happened with David--.”
He was shaking his head. “No. No, it wasn’t you.  This wasn’t your fault. It’s not like I hadn’t thought about it  before. It’s not like we haven’t had close calls or anything.”
“Yeah honey, but I’m the one who made such a big deal out of it. I’m sorry. I never, ever meant to do that.”
“But Elisa, I have had this nightmare before. I had it all the time when I was kid. I would dream that the bus would fall off a cliff or  the plane would crash in the middle of nowhere. When I was really little, poor Brian had to deal with me screaming bloody murder in the middle of the night.  It’s normal because I travel so much.” He shrugged uneasily. “It was just different this time. I was more scared that I thought I could be in a nightmare.” He finally looked up at me. “And I know why.”
“Why?”
His eyes searched the room as if for something else to focus on but me. I put myself into his line of sight, and he pressed a tight smile at me.
“Because you...,” he let go of my hands and held on to my face instead while his scared, blue eyes gazed into mine.  “Because you were on the bus with us, and I was freaked out. I was freaked out that something could happen to you on top of everything else--.”
“Oh Nick--,” I began softly.
“No,” he shook his head. “No. You don’t get it.  I think we all accept the risk of doing what we do because we’ve done it for so long. But in my dream, the bus crashed, and I couldn’t find you.  I could see flames, metal and blood everywhere, but I couldn’t find you. And I was sure you were supposed to be there. I had just been talking to you when I heard brakes screeching and everything started to tumble.” His hands eased off my ears and stroked my hair gently instead.  “I saw Kevin, Howie, AJ and Brian, but there was no you.  And everything was hot and cold at the same time.  And the guys were helping me look but trying to pull me off the wreck at the same time. But you were gone,” he almost whispered the last sentence.
“It was a nightmare,” I said.
“It was the worst feeling I have had in the whole world,” he said letting go of my hair and closing his eyes.
I sighed wishing I could take away all his fear, his pain and his worry.  All I could do was reassure him.
“Honey, I’m here, and you’re not getting on that bus for a very long time. We still have a few weeks of summer ahead of us before I go back to work.  You had a nightmare, and it’s normal.  You live this life under so much stress, and you never let it get to you.” He opened his eyes, and I pulled his hands back to mine.  “You don’t it let get to you. I see you deal with everything: the fans, the traveling, the press, the guys and their problems, and you just deal.  Instead of running away like you did when you were stressed before, you deal. And that’s good. But it catches up with you, and that’s where this nightmare came from. It’s just the stress catching up to you. The stress and my fears.”
He half-wrinkled his nose at me. “It’s not you.”
“I think it is,” I said honestly. “I live in fear of something happening to you too. It’s normal.  We both just have to have faith that it’ll work out.  That’s what this is all about, remember? When I came back to Tampa, that’s what you asked me to have. Lots of faith.”
He nodded slowly. “Yeah. C’mon.”  He shut off the lights, left the TV on, laid back down on the bed and let me rest my head on his chest.  “I’m sorry I kept you up half the night.”
“Don’t apologize.  I’m glad I was here.  I’d hate for you to have nightmares when you’re alone.”
He chuckled. “I don’t really have them much anymore, Elisa. It’s been a really long time.”
“When was the last time?”
“Hm,” he thought. “Probably about the time Brian had surgery.  I think it was then because we were in Kentucky at Kevin’s house, and I freaked his mom out.” He chuckled. “She stayed up with me and Kev, made us pancakes and wouldn’t stop talking. I guess with everything that was happening with Brian, she was scared too.”
I nodded.  “I bet.”
“Which reminds that I’d better call Kev and tell him we’re here,” he said.  “Maybe he’ll come down and stay with us.”
“That would be good,” I said.  “At least he wouldn’t be over there alone.”
“Yeah, or at the very least, he could call us.  I want to know what’s going on, and he didn’t tell me.”
“He’s not a talker, Nick,” I said. “It’s different for you and me. We like to talk through the things that bug us, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t like for people to see his weaknesses or even to stress over him. He has this enormous pressure on himself to be strong that he’s left no out for his own fears.”
Nick didn’t say anything for a long time, and I thought that he had fallen back to sleep.
“You think it’s me?” he asked out of nowhere.
“You what?”
“You think it’s me that’s put that pressure on Kev? That it’s because of me that he can’t be weak. I was the one that was always weak.”
A couple of years ago, the answer to that question would have been very different.
“It’s not you,” I said.  “It’s him. He’s taken on that role. And he’s taken it very seriously with you, but he’s seen how you’ve grown up.  I don’t think he stresses over you quite so much anymore. Now it’s everything else. Sometimes, I think he just finds reasons to worry just so that he doesn’t have to worry about himself.”
Nick sighed. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right.  If he doesn’t come stay with us, maybe he’ll call.”
“He will. Don’t worry. Maybe it’s time he learn that it’s okay to show people that he’s weak.”
 

Kevin did end up calling, but the majority of the time, I was the one who answered.
“Are you okay?” I was asking one sunny July morning while I sat outside watching the sun warm the ocean.
Nick usually slept well into the day.
Kevin sighed. “Yeah. I’m okay.”
I hated to sit there and try to get him to talk about what was bugging him. He rarely did.  I guess it took a lot of alcohol to make him vulnerable.
“When are you coming out here?” I asked.
“Not for awhile. I’m actually working on some stuff.”
“Working?” I asked trying not to laugh. Nick hadn’t done an ounce of work during the break.
“Yeah. I have some music down that I want to show the guys when we get back together.  And I can’t wait. I’m already missing everything about work.”
“Are you really? You miss the schedule?”
“Yeah. I like to have things planned out like that. I hate to get up in the morning and not know exactly what I’m doing.”
Nick hated the schedule.
“Of course I miss the schedule,” he said with another sigh.
“Bet you don’t miss the guys.”
“Bet I do.  I miss them the most.” He laughed. “You’d almost think I was lying as much as I bitch about them.  But I miss them, I do.”
“Then get out here, Kevin,” I said.
“I don’t miss them enough to interrupt your time together. Lord knows you don’t have enough of that already. I’m not going to ruin it by being around twenty-four seven.”
“You know you wouldn’t ruin it. Nick and me are just here. We spend some time out on his boats, or out with his dogs or just watching movies.  Really. Don’t think we’re doing anything out here to keep you that far away.”
He laughed again.  “Elisa, I’d love to get out there with you guys, but being here is giving me thinking time, and I really need it. I need to think about where I am. What’s going to happen. And where I’m going to go.”
“What do you mean, ‘go’?” I asked because that last word had startled me.
“Don’t listen to me. I’m being negative, and I don’t know why. It’s not like me.”
There was a sadness in his voice that I hadn’t heard since he had gotten drunk in Orlando.
“You can come out here and think just as well,” I said trying not let him sink too far. “You know we’ll keep you busy.”
He laughed.
“Hey you,” Nick greeted from behind me.
I loved him in the morning, even if it was late morning.  His sleepy eyes made him look more adorable then usual.
I smiled up at his tall frame in the doorway.
“Kev?” he mouthed.
I nodded.
The morning phone calls had become a ritual.
Nick sighed. “He should just get out here,” he said softly.
“What are you guys up to today?” Kevin asked.
“I’m not sure,” I said. “Nick just got up, so we’re just gonna--.”
“Can I talk to him?” Nick asked standing behind me now.
“Um hang on, he wants to talk to you.”
I handed him the phone and kissed him on the cheek. “Are you hungry?”
He touched his bare, golden-brown stomach. “Always hungry.”
“Okay. I’ll get food.”
I hoped that Nick pushed him enough, he’d give in and do something to solve his situation.
 

AJ resurfaced about a week after that, and they ganged up on Kevin to force him to go down to Tampa.  Between Nick’s whining and AJ’s death by hat beating threats, I don’t think poor Kevin had a choice.
And with AJ around, I had no choice but to see less of Nick. It was okay.  I wasn’t going to complain about spending time alone with the luxurious house to myself.
“Hey girl,” Kevin arrived late one cloudy afternoon while I sat outside on the deck (my favorite spot) going through some books Nick had brought for my classroom.
“Kevin! Hey!” I was quick to give him a hug.  “How are you?”
He smiled at me. “Good. I’m doing well, not as well as you but...,” he laughed.
I looked at him then at myself. “What?”
“Nothing,” he shook his head. “You look good. The sun’s been good for you. I guess Nick too?”
“Very good.” I laughed.
“Where is ol’ Frack?  Asleep?”
“No.  He and AJ went to Orlando to do something. I forget what,” I admitted.
“He left you here? Alone?”
“I wanted to stay. Want a soda? Water? Beer?”
“Water,” he said following me inside. “I just drove all the way out here.”
“Really? Overnight and all day?  Are you tired?”
“Nope.  I like to drive.”
“You guys all do,” I said. “Nick wanted to drive here from El Paso, but that’s practically two whole days. I didn’t want to waste two days driving.”
“It not a waste,” he said opening his water bottle.  “If you think about it, we rarely get to drive. Our drivers drive the bus, of course. More often than not, we’re getting driven around in a van, limousine or big truck.  All guys like the idea of getting behind the wheel and driving for days. It’s a macho thing,” he admitted with a smirk.
“Macho thing,” I repeated after him and laughed.  “Are you hungry?”
“Why? Do you cook?”
“Hm, no,” I admitted. “But Nick and I got a pizza last night, and unless he and AJ ate it for breakfast, I can heat it up. I’m good at putting stuff in the microwave.” I had already opened the refrigerator door to find that the guys had indeed eaten every last, leftover crumb.  “Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I don’t eat pizza anyway. Are you hungry? I can make something,” he said peering over my shoulder at the sparse contents of our refrigerator. “Gee, you guys must eat out.  A lot.”
“Yeah,” I said. “That, and I let Nick make spaghetti.  I want to learn to cook, but I burn everything.  I‘m doing much better at breakfast.”
“Wanting isn’t doing, Elisa,” he said squeezing past me and grabbing some steaks Nick had bought earlier that week.
I got out of his way and watched him cook up a decent meal including salad and french fries.
“I used to live alone,” he was saying as he served our plates. “Well, that is until Brian moved in, and then Howie moved in.  But before that I was on my own since I was nineteen, and I wasn’t about to starve or waste money I didn’t have on takeout.  So I learned how to cook.”
“I’ve been living alone for awhile. Actually, since Laura moved out last year, it’s been just me.”
“And what do you eat?” he asked then chuckled. “Oh hang on a second, you don’t eat. You were that girl I found half-starved getting depressed over Nick. Right?”
I laughed. “I eat.  I just don’t eat very well when I’m unhappy. And when Nick wasn’t around, I was beyond unhappy.”
“And before Nick? Your sister cooked?”
I nodded. “You got it. Laura could make anything, so we never lacked any food.  Like I said, I can do breakfast okay. Nick and I eat pancakes or French toast. There’s plenty of cereal.”
He laughed. “Yeah cereal and milk. That’s easy.  Here.” He put the plate in front of me.
“Thanks. It smells great.”
He smiled and dug in happily while we continued to talk. Kevin and I had talked about a lot of things in the past, and they all revolved around Nick.  For the first time, we were able to talk about ourselves and learned that we had a lot in common.
“I lost my mom to cancer,” I was said when he asked about my parents. “My dad didn’t stick around much longer after that. I guess he missed her.”  I shrugged.  “We were all already adults, and they had always loved each other very much.  Besides, I wouldn’t have wanted them to stick around and see what a mess I made out of my life.”
He wrinkled his brow at me. “It’s not a mess. You’re doing great.  You don’t even wish they were around to see you in your classroom? With Nick?”
“Of course, but it took so much for me to get there that I’m glad they never really saw. I was pretty lost for awhile.  More so than I was when you found me.”
“Life’s hard.  I lost my dad to cancer too, but I wish every, single day he was around to see me. To see everything, Kristin, the guys, everything.  I mean, I know he sees it from where he is, but I wish things were different, you know?  I wish he was here, so my kids would have a grandfather and stuff like that.”
“I never gave all that much thought,” I told him. “I accepted that my parents had died and moved on. I was in such a messed up place in my life, that it was all that I could do.”
He gave me a quick look before popping more food into his mouth. “Messed up how?  Wrong guys?  Drugs?”
“Drugs? Oh no,” I said.  “Never.  Wrong guys? All of them. I must have met every, single wrong guy back home and gone out with him.  I was pathetic.  Always going from one guy to the next and expecting them to be different when it was me who had to be different all along. I was the one making all the mistakes. They were just being guys.”
“Being guys,” he repeated with a chuckle. “You say it like we’re all the same.”
“There was a time when I would have said that you are. But it wasn’t that you’re the same as much as I was looking for the same thing in all of them. I was looking for someone who accepted my pathetic self. Who else but a loser would accept someone who was pathetic?  I realized I was the one who had to change to find someone better.  I had to become better.”
“And here comes Nicky,” he laughed.
I shook my head. “It wasn’t that simple.  I mean, I think when I met him I was more angry than anything else.  He and I talked about a lot of things, and I opened up my angry self only because I never thought I’d see him again. I never thought he’d come back.”
He just smiled at that and finished what was on his plate.  “Well, you already know all about Kristin and me. But I have to admit that before that, I was a lot like those losers you describe. It’s easy to find vulnerable girls when you’re angry.  And for a time there, I was really angry too.  I hated that I couldn’t find someone who lived with my schedule so I just put up with whoever was  willing to be there for the time being.  That’s all that concerned me.  One night and then the other.“
“Sounds like my old boyfriends,“ I smiled.
“There was time when you and me would have been quite a pair.” He laughed.
“Kevy Kev.”
We both looked up to find AJ and Nick at the kitchen door and only God knew how long they had been standing there.
“Boys,” Kevin smiled up at them.  “How are you?”
“Good, man,” AJ said reaching him first and giving him half a hug.  “I just got here myself. Me and Nicky have been working on some stuff.”
“You guys have been working?” Kevin feigned a shocked tone.  “Really?”
“Yes Train, we’ve been working,” Nick said eyeing my plate.
“Are you hungry?” I asked.
He laughed and kissed me. “No. I’m just wondering what you guys ate. Bone and me ate in town.”
Kevin actually stood up to hug him. “Hey Nicky. How are you?”
“I’m good, man,” he said. “Glad you finally got out here. Me and Bone need some help with some stuff.”
“What stuff?” Kevin asked finally letting go of him and giving him a confused look. “Music stuff?”
“Secret stuff,” AJ said taking my plate as soon as I offered it to him.
“Stuff,” Nick said. “Just stuff.”
Kevin shook his head at all of them.  “Hm, okay.  You’re going to have to let me in on the stuff.”
“You been here awhile?” Nick asked.
He looked behind him at the darkened ocean, and I think we both realized how late it was. He told me had started driving around two that morning, and we had been so busy talking that he hadn’t taken any time to rest.
“Yeah awhile,” he said. “Elisa and me were just talking.”
“So? What are we doing tonight?” AJ asked big, broad smile already insinuating what he wanted.
“I’m sleeping. If that’s okay with you, Frack,” Kevin said. “I pretty much drove straight over here.”
“I’m dancing,” AJ said. “If that’s okay, or not, with any of you.”  He smiled at me.  “Wanna dance?”
Nick laughed, and Kevin grabbed handful of AJ’s shirt.  “What do you mean dance?  Where’s your other half? Where’s that part of you that keeps you sane?”
“Victoria?”
I heard Nick suck in air.
“Yes Victoria. What happened? You two off again?”
“Well Kevin,” AJ sighed. “Pretty much when you find your girl going down on some other guy on your couch, you know you’re off again.”
I winced, and Nick pulled out the chair next to me and sat down.
“Sorry to hear that, bud,” Kevin said seriously now and let him go. “You okay?  Everything all right?”
He shrugged. “Eh, I’m used to it. What can I do? That’s why I decided to come out here with these two. It’s better than sulking alone.”
Kevin looked momentarily at the floor. “Tell me about it.”
AJ shrugged it off again. “Win some. Lose some. So? So what? We dancing tonight, or what?”
I just looked to Nick for answer who leaned his head on my shoulder. “I’ll do whatever Elisa says.”
“What’s that?” AJ asked leaning down to me. “What’d you say, ‘Lisa, girl? That you wanna dance with the three of us naked?”
Nick started laughing.
“AJ,” Kevin warned.
I just shook my head. “If you guys want to, we’ll go.  Just let Kevin at least catch a nap, it’s early.”
“Yeah man,” Kevin said giving AJ’s head a rough pat. “Let me get some sleep, and we’ll go.”
“Take any room you want,” Nick told him sitting up. “Need help with your stuff?”
“Naw, I think I can handle my one bag. See you guys in a bit.”
“Okay,” Nick called.
“Hey, let’s crank up the stereo,” AJ said so loudly that Kevin stopped walking and gave him a look.   “Kidding.  Just kidding.”
And it was the first time that we did go out, and everyone drank moderately, everybody danced, and everybody had a good time.  And we actually started out those first few weeks doing that a lot. After awhile, Nick and I stayed home while they went out. I only had four weeks of summer left before I went back to school.  We didn’t want to feel like we hadn’t spent as much time as possible together.
And the guys took off on their a lot, or worked on “stuff.” Stuff was really anything. For AJ it was Johnny No Name. For Kevin, it was the songs and notes he’d brought with him.  For Nick, it was usually sleeping.  I was the only one who didn’t usually have stuff to do, and on a more and more occasion, I had to find something to do on my own.
“Guess what?” Kevin said walking in the backdoor with a rare grin on his face.
“I don’t know. What?”
“My wife has and end date to that stupid, God-forsaken movie.”
I smiled up from my big glass of ice water.  “Really?  She didn’t before?”
“She had twenty of them,” he said and sat next to me on one of the kitchen stools.
I was going through cookbooks and internet recipes because the guys all knew how to cook something, and they made me look really bad.
“But now it’s just one,” he said. “And it’s in like two weeks.”
I smiled. “Cool. Want some water?”
He shook his head. “No thanks. Nick sleeping?”
“Out with AJ,” I said.  “I think they’re actually on one of the boats.”
“You didn’t want to go with them?”
“I’m a desert girl,” I told him. “I have never gotten used to being on those boats.”
“It’s not too bad,” he said.  “Just give it a chance.”
“I’ve given lots of stuff chances these last few months, Kevin. I think I’ll skip the boat.”
“That’s right,” he laughed. “So much has changed since March.  Hard to believe we finished the tour, and we’re about a month away from starting work again.” He shook his head. “Nick always says we work ourselves harder than Lou ever did.”
“That big guy?” I asked.
“You’re nice. Tub of lard is more like it.  I hate that guy,” he said. “Let’s talk about something else. I’m in too much of a good mood.”
I could tell. I had actually gotten used to brooding, serious Kevin.
“Are you gonna wait around until she’s done or go out there with her?” I asked.
He looked up at the pale ceiling. “Probably go. When are you Nicky going back to your place?”
“Soon. I have to start school next month, and I like to be there early. There’s always so much to do.”
He pressed a smile at me. “I remember.”
I knew what that meant, but I played dumb.  He and Nick had helped me set up my first classroom, and it was not a pleasant experience.
I pushed my hair off my shoulder and nodded. “And I was actually thinking about starting on my masters.  But I haven’t mentioned anything to Nick.”
“Really? Why?”
“Um, well, getting the masters will give me one more thing to do that will take time away from him.  I know that he’s--.”
“Girl, he’d never hold you back,” Kevin said.  “No.  Hell no.”
“Yeah, but it’s bad enough we’re barely finding our way back to each other.  I don’t want to commit myself to stuff that’s going to have him angry at me.  Or have me missing him.”
He shook his head. “Yeah, but I know he understands that you need to continue to better yourself, your life. He’s not expecting you to put your own success on hold because it doesn’t fit into his schedule.  It’s not like...,” he stopped and then gave me look. “Would you listen to me? I’m trying to give you advice that I don’t take.”
I smiled.  “But you do take it. I mean, you’re supporting her, right? You guys talk every night and--.”
“I should be there,” he said.  “I know I should. She probably goes home all alone to some hotel.  And here I am getting fat with Nick.”
“Hey,” I protested softly.
He laughed. “All right. Okay.  But we all know he gets doughy on the break.  Everyone does, but AJ.”
I shook my head at him this time. “He’s perfect, Kevin. I wouldn’t change a thing on him. Not one.”
He rolled his eyes.  “No one’s perfect, Elisa.  Not even Nick Carter. I mean, he’s a good guy. I love him.  But you have to remember that he’s still young, and no matter how mature he’s become, he has a lot to learn.”
That was odd.
That had been exactly what he had said when we set up my classroom way back when.
“He’s different now,” I said assuming we had both gone back to the same memory. “I can’t really explain it to you, but he doesn’t feel the same. The first time we were together, he was so vulnerable, so easy to break.  Now, he’s strong.  He’s always busy worrying about everyone else and doesn’t really let on that something’s actually going on inside.”
Kevin chuckled.  “I know. I’ve noticed that too.  He used to be easy to read.  Everything was on the surface.”
“Everyone grows up,” I said with a shrug.
“As long as he doesn’t get hard inside,” he said and leaned forward on his elbow.  “That’s what concerns me.  I know this business can make you hard. I wasn’t always so...,” he seemed to think of a good way to describe himself.
“Suspicious?” I asked with a smile because that described me too.
“Oh no. I’ve always been suspicious.” He laughed. “What I’m talking about is when it’s not enough to be suspicious.  Even when you believe in people, there’s still a small shadow of a doubt.”
I looked at him.  I had lived in that place for so long that I thought I’d never be able to get out.  “That’s the one thing he’s asked me not to do, Kevin, to doubt. And I feel like I’m walking on a tightrope without a net.  I can do it, if I don’t look down.”
“Wow,” he said softly.  “That takes a lot.  I used to be good at that, and now I’m too busy looking down. Everyday I lose the ability to trust blindly.”
“I was never good at it, so I’m learning.” I shrugged.
He gave me this funny look and straightened up.  “Elisa, are you losing yourself in him?  Are you in that place where everything else comes first, and you come last?”
I was caught off guard, so I half-laughed. “Um, well--.”
He laughed. “You are, aren’t you?  I remember being there,” he said with a sigh. “I think that was when I decided to get married. It was when I thought there was nothing that could bring me happiness more than being with Kristin.”
“Isn’t that still true?”
He closed his eyes for a second then shrugged.  “I dunno. I just know it’s made me as miserable as it’s made me happy.  Part of me wishes I‘d held on to some of that distance.  That I‘d protected myself a little more.”
“Well, I don’t think I’ve ever gone this far before.  I mean, here I am far away from everything I know, and I’m definitely considering putting off graduate school because of him. I think I’m pretty far gone.”
He raised his eyes up at me. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”
“Hey.”
We both looked back at the door to find Nick.  He was standing there, skin freshly browned from his time in the sun, but there was a different look on his face.  One I had never seen.
“Am I interrupting?” he asked.
“Course not, Frack,” Kevin said.  “We’re just talking.  You guys go fishing?”
“No. AJ just wanted to get some air. I think he’s already itching to call Victoria.”
Kevin sat up. “What’d he say?”
Nick slowly made his way inside and slid into the stool next to me.  “Not much. It’s just the way he’s acting.  He doesn’t want to be anywhere.  He doesn’t want to be here, or in Orlando, at home or on a boat, or in a club.  He’s just restless.  You can tell he’s starting to think about it.”  I felt his fingers in my hair.
Kevin sighed. “I’m gonna take him out.  We’ve been here way too long already.”
“Kevin, it’s fine,” I said.
“You guys can stay as long as you want.  But we’re going back soon, right?” He slipped my hair off my shoulder, and I felt his scruffy chin take its place.
“Back to El Paso? Sure. If you want.”
“I think we should,” he said softly.
“Okay,” I said.
I saw Kevin watch us for a second then climb off his stool.  “I’m gonna go talk to Bone.”
“You okay?” I asked at Nick’s strange quiet mood.
“Yeah,” he sighed and blew softly into my hair. “I just want us to be really alone.  Much as I love the guys, I’m ready for it just be us.”
“Okay,” I said again trying not to even think of why he was suddenly so anxious to get away from Kevin and AJ.
 
 

I didn’t suspect a thing.  That year we were together, my birthday slipped right by Nick, and we never celebrated it. This year, he said we were going to do something special.
“Guess what I got,” he said walking in that hot, August the first.
“Pretty eyes,” I said.
He laughed. “No.  Guess again.”
“The best lips in the world.”
“Hm,” he said and touched his lower lip. “No! C’mon! Be serious. Guess what I got.”
“I don’t have a clue, honey. What’d you get?”
He made a face at me. “You’re not even trying. Okay. I’ll give you a hint. I got you something. It’s for tonight.”
“Tonight? For my quiet birthday celebration?” I asked innocently.  “The one where we’re just going out to dinner, then we’re going to come back here?”
He smiled, and I knew that’s not at all what we were going to do.
“Yup. That birthday celebration.”
“Nick, we already agreed not to make a big deal. I’m getting too old to have a big birthday party. It’s just supposed to be us, and--.”
“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “And it’s going to exactly what you want. I just got you something in advance.”
I eyed him. “What?”
“Something to wear.”
That made me sit up.
“Hang on, Elisa. Wait.  I know you think I have this terrible taste in girl’s clothes.  But I swear you’re not going to be disappointed this time. You’re not. The girl at the mall helped me, and--.”
“The girl helped you?”
He nodded, raced back to the front porch and came back with about three large shopping bags.
“Yeah. She was really nice. She even knew who I was and everything, and ...,” he came up with a small, pink bag. “Oops, that’s for later.”
I cracked up watching him stuff that one in another bag. “That’s what I’m wearing,” he said. “This one’s for you.”  He pushed the bag closer to me.
I was afraid to look.
“C’mon. Look.  I bet you’ll like it. I know you will.” He smiled, and I couldn’t resist.
I joined him on the floor. “You didn’t have to do this, you know. I have plenty of things to wear.”
He nodded. “I know. But I wanted to show that since the last time we were together, I have learned how to pick clothes. Really. Look.”
I pulled out a chiffon, knee-length halter dress.  It was black with a little, red flowers and a very pretty print border at the bottom. There was nothing more perfect.
“Well?” he asked smiling.  “The girl at the mall said she’d wear long, black boots with it, but I don’t know if that’s really you, and--.”
I was on his lips before he could say anything else. He kissed me back but ended up laughing in the middle.
“It’s beautiful,” I told him.
“Well, it will be when you put it on,” he said. “Right now, it’s just a dress.”
I kissed him again because suddenly, I just couldn’t stop.
“How did I end up with you, huh? What’d I do? I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t...,” I stopped. “You know what? Forget not believing. I’m just glad. I’m just glad you’re you.”
He hugged me hard. “Happy birthday, Elisa.  I’m glad you’re you too.”
I held on to him. “I think you have wonderful taste in clothes.  It’s the most beautiful dress I have ever seen. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” he kissed my cheek and sat back. “You sure you just want to go to dinner tonight? I can’t convince you to go dancing?”
I shook my head. “I want us to celebrate my birthday. I don’t want a whole bunch of strangers around. It’s bad enough you’ll be gone in a couple of weeks. I’m not going to share you with anybody else.”
He smiled. “Okay. Okay, good enough.”
I spotted his bag behind him and reached for it. “So what else did you get?”
“No wait!” he pulled me back just as I reached the little pink bag.
“Victoria’s--?”
“Elisa!” he protested pulling it out of my hand. “That’s for later.”
“Oh. You’re wearing that later?”
He laughed really hard. “Who do I look like? AJ? I am not wearing that.” He smiled and put the bag behind his back. “It’s just for later. Okay?”
I shook my head. “Okay.”
“What?” he said trying not to laugh. “Stop giving me the eye. It’s nothing bad.  What are we doing until dinner?”
I picked up my dress and stepped over him. “Laura’s taking me out to lunch.  You’re going to be on your own, okay?”
“Okay,” he shrugged. “That’s cool. I’ll just take a nap.”
“Make sure you eat,” I said. “If we drink anything tonight, I don’t want you getting wasted on one drink.”
He nodded. “Okay.”
I made one more quick grab for the pink bag, but he took me down and dunked me into a long kissing session instead. I was late to lunch with my sister.
That was okay, he didn’t have to show me the contents of the pink bag. I had a surprise for him later too.
 
 

We ended up at the OP.
For my kicking, screaming and bitching, we ended up going dancing right after dinner.
Actually, I didn’t kick, scream and bitch much. I was much too happy to deny him anything.
“Wanna go dancing?” he had asked.
“Of course,” I had said.
So he drove through the full parking lot, past all the weirdoes that hung outside the gay bar and found a space way, faraway from the door.
“Are you having a good birthday?” he asked as we made our way through the dark street.
I squeezed his hand in mine. “Of course. I’m with you, right? What else could you want?”
“Did you drink a lot at the restaurant?” he asked.
“Some. Why? Do I sound drunk?”
“No.” He chuckled. “It was just much too easy to get you here. I thought I was going to have to drag you.”
“Hey, at this point I don’t care. As long as I’m with you, I don’t care where we are.”
He turned to me, with a knowing smirk on his face. “Even if we’re in Tampa? Even if you leave this place and come with me.”
That’s what had been going through my head since we returned earlier that summer, and I thought I had made a decision, but I planned to share it with him later.  That was going to be his surprise.
“I don’t know,” I began. “Just wait and see if--.” Everything went black as a hand was placed carefully over my eyes. “Hey!”
“It’s okay,” Nick said next to me still. “I’m here. It’s okay. Just hang on.”
“What are you doing?” I tried to get away, but held me in place.
“Don’t fight me on this one, ‘Lisa. It’s just part of your birthday. Just shut your eyes and come along.”
“Nick!”
“C’mon! Don’t you trust me? I thought you trusted me.”
I bit my lip and stopped fighting.  I knew we made it across the street and to the door of the club where we didn’t even go through the front door. Nick helped me get up the few steps through a side entrance, and suddenly we were engulfed by music.
“Nick!” I protested as loudly as I could.
“Just wait,” he said. “Please? Please?”
I waited. I waited for him to lead me through the packed night club. People laughed as we squeezed through, and we must have been quite a sight.
Suddenly, we went through a door where the music could still be heard through the walls.  There were a few voices, and more voices laughed when they saw us.
I stepped closer to Nick because I had no Earthly idea where I was.
Then I heard a toilet flush.
Instantly, the smell of alcohol, cigarettes, sex and vomit rushed out to meet me.
And I knew where we were.
“Nick? The women’s bathroom?” I cried in shock.
He was laughing as he slowly let go of my eyes and let me adjust to the brighter lights.  Girls stepped past us confused, as it all came back to me.  This was where I met him. He was beyond-belief wasted. Carmen, the bathroom lady, had him propped on the sink, so he wouldn’t fall down.
I turned to him, and he grinned. “Surprise.”
“Honey, I love you,” I said jumping up to kiss him again and again. “I can’t believe you. I can’t believe you...” I stopped as I recognized the very sink where I met him, and it was full of long-stemmed roses.  There were balloons, and some presents. Carmen smiled at me and got out of the way.
“Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, Elisa.  Happy birthday to you.”
Josie, AJ and Kevin stepped out from around her with my cake.  I couldn’t stop laughing.
“Look, she’s smiling,” Kevin said surprised. “Frack, only your girlfriend would want to have her birthday in a bathroom.”
AJ laughed, and Josie approached me first.
“Happy birthday,” she said giving me a hug.  “I don’t know what this is all about, but you know I love you and wish you the best.”
“Thanks,” I said hugging her back.
“Happy birthday, Elisa girl,” AJ came next, put a shot glass in my hand and hugged me. “I hope this birthday is much better than it looks and smells.”
Kevin gave me one of those all-encompassing Kevin hugs. “Happy birthday,” was all he said.
By that time, Carmen had lit my candles for me.
“Make a wish,” she said and held it in front of me.
I turned back to Nick and realized that it had already come true, so I just wished that it would go on forever. I blew out my candles while they applauded like I had just turned five.
“Thank you,” I hugged Carmen. “Thank you for helping him do this. I know you must have--.”
She shook her head. “This was all his doing, mi’ja.  He just came here and asked me if he could.” She smiled up at him then down at me. “I’m glad to see you. And I’m glad to see you so happy again.”
“Thanks,” I said and pulled Nick closer to me. “This is why. He’s why I’m so happy.” I kissed him, and he hugged me then kissed my hair.
“Happy birthday,” he said. “I know it’s silly to do this here, but I knew you’d get it.”
“I get it,” I said. “I met you right there.  And you had no clue how you had gotten in here.”
He and slipped his arms around my waist. “Yup. All I know is that you found me.  You found me, and I’m never, ever going to let you go. Not ever, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay. And I guess this is just a good a time as any to tell you.”
He gave me this little look. “What?”
“Um, I’ll be more than happy to move to Tampa with you.  Really.  Whenever you want.”
An eternity seemed to go by when he didn’t believe what I had just said.
“What? What? Really?”
I nodded. “Really, Nick. I love very much, and I never, ever want to be without you again.”
He hugged me so hard I thought the air would never return to my lungs, and he lifted me off the ground so much, my shot was gone.
Josie and the guys were laughing and ducking the girls trying to get by us and use the mirrors.
“I love you,” Nick said and put me down.
I smiled.  “Well, you’d better because I love you way too much already.”
“Okay guys. Can we go?” I heard AJ ask. “It’s getting stuffy in here, and we’re just in the way.”
“Yeah... go,” Nick told him. “We’ll be right there.”
Actually, we kissed for awhile longer before we were able to stop.
“I’ve got your stuff,” Carmen said already putting my presents away. “Leave whatever you want here, and come get it before you go.  Have a good time.”
“Thanks,” Nick told her and gave her a quick hug.
“Thanks,” I called as we hurried back outside.
They had a table by the packed dance floor.  Josie looked really happy flanked by Kevin and AJ.
“Aren’t you married?” she was asking him when we walked up.
“Yeah. I’m happily married,” he said. “My wife is wrapping up a movie as we speak.”
“Darn,” she said and smiled at AJ who just shook his head.
“No. No women,” AJ said making a cross with his fingers in front of her.
She rolled her eyes.
“Hey birthday girl,” Kevin greeted. “What’ll we be toasting with?”
“Tequila,” AJ said.
“I don’t know-,” I began.
“Tequila.”
“I don’t think we--,” Nick tried.
“Tequila.”
“Shut up and get the shots,” Josie said. “C’mon married boy, come with me. You’ll need help getting all the little glasses back here.”
Kevin made a face and followed her. I guess he had no choice.
“Your friend is something else.  I had forgotten,” AJ said surveying the crowd. “Really.”
“I know. I’m sorry. Thanks for coming for my birthday, AJ,” I said.  “I’m really glad you did.  How are you?”
He shrugged. “I’m good.  I was back with Kev in Orlando, and we were just bumming around.”
“How is he?”
He shrugged again. “Good, I think. He and Kris talk all the time, and she actually wanted to come tonight. But they had to re-shoot some scenes with her.”
“He’s good,” Nick assured me. “We talk all the time, and I know he’s doing a lot better. He told me something about how love wasn’t selfish, so he was going to be there for Kristin. It sounded kind of familiar if you ask me.”
I laughed. That was my speech.
Nick pulled me closer to him.  “Thank you.”
“For what?” I asked.
“For deciding to come back with me. I know that it will be hard for you to leave home. Thank you. Thank you for doing it.  Thank you for loving me that much.”
After all the emotions of the evening, those words brought tears to my eyes. Maybe it was being in that old place and realizing how far we had come.
“Don’t thank me.  I’m more than glad to be with you. How could anyone not love you?”
He smiled.
We happily drank and danced the night away.  Josie somehow got Kevin to dance with her, while AJ was quick to pick up girls anywhere he turned.
Nick didn’t follow my request of eating lunch, so all he had in his stomach was the dinner we had earlier.  The alcohol was quick to reach his brain.  I guess alcohol is quick to reach the brain whenever anyone drinks three shots in a row and more beers than I could count.
“Slow down,” I told him knowing very well that I could drive home.
“It’s fine,” he smiled. “We’re dancing a lot, so it’s not really hitting me.”
I shook my head and took him away from the table and the waitress who was too happy to bring us drinks.
“I love you sooooooo much,” he was slurring not ten minutes later.  “I can’t believe you’re going to go back home with me.”
“I want to be with you as much as I can.  And there’s nothing here that I love more than you.”
He smiled, then he smiled bigger.  “I can’t believe you’d say that.  I mean, there was a time when this place was everything to you.  It was your whole life.”
I shrugged.  “But being with you is all I want.  As long as I keep working and find a way to keep in touch with Laura, everything will be fine.”
“Aw, your sister.  She should move to Tampa too,” he said like it was the best idea he had ever had.  “I bet she’d like it.”
“Paul’s job is here,” I said, but I don’t think he really cared about that just then.
“Because it would be cool with me if they stayed with us for awhile. That way, you’d have someone to talk to when I’m not around.  That way, you wouldn’t have to sit around talking to Kevin all the time.”
“Kevin’s cool,” I said.  “I don’t mind talking to him any of the time.”
“I bet,” Nick said with a nod.
Initially, I tried not to let that hit me the way it sounded, but I couldn’t.
“Hey,” I pulled his arm.  “What does that mean?  What do you mean by that?”
“By what?” he asked and swayed just a bit.
“Honey, you’re pretty drunk.”
He kissed my cheek. “And you’re just pretty.”
I tugged at his arm before he moved away.  “Are you suspicious about me and Kevin?”
It had to be absolutely the worst time to ask that question.
“No!” he said immediately.  “’Course not!  Why would I be?”
“I don’t know, honey. It’s just that you said--.”
“Bathroom,” he said pulling away from me. “I’ll be right back.”
I followed him to the men’s room because I was afraid he wouldn’t find his way back.
My stomach had these funny butterflies in them that I had never felt. Maybe it had been verbalizing my plan to Nick. Actually telling him that I was going to Tampa was much different from thinking it. I knew he’d be happy, and I knew I was happy.  I just didn’t know how hard it was going to be for me to leave.
Maybe it was the strange doubts he seemed to be toying with.  I was the one who was usually afraid and worrying about things that didn’t exist.
“Happy birthday.”
I looked up startled to find Daniel in front of me.
“Thanks,” I said and took a step away from him. Any alcohol I had in my system disappeared because I feared him.  I hadn’t forgotten what he had done and what he had told me.
“I didn’t forget it was your birthday,” he said. “How are you?”
“I’m good. I’m with--.”
“I know. Some tall blond guy.  I’ve seen you guys together around town.  How long have you been with him?”
“Since I broke up with you, Daniel. Listen, excuse me. I have to go.”  I took one step around him, but he blocked me.  “Daniel, don’t. Nick will be right out.”
“Ellie. Elisa, I’m sorry,” he said and stepped in closer to me.  “You don’t know how I kick myself everyday for acting like such an ass that day. You didn’t deserve what I said to--.”
“Of course I didn’t,” I said. “You had no right to speak to me that way.  But that’s the past, and I don’t live in the past anymore.”
He looked at me, then up at the ceiling. “I just wish I hadn’t let everything go to hell with you.  I know I’ve let you down so many times, that I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I want you to know that I’m sorry.”
I nodded and gave him a look. “Now, just let me go, okay? It’s just better if... ,” I stopped because he stepped even closer to me, and my heart took a hard bang against my chest. “Daniel, don’t!”
He peeled his eyes at me.  “I just want to talk. We used to be friends.  Please? Please don’t tell me that you hate me now.”
Hate wasn’t really the word for I was feeling. It was more like a slow boiling dread.
“Daniel, it’s over. It’s done.  You made a choice when you talked to me like that.  You decided to--.”
I saw his hand come up as if to touch my hair of my face, and I actually shrunk back against the wall.
“I’m sorry,” he said softly.  “Elisa, I never meant--.”
“Daniel! Daniel, just stop!” I heard myself cry. It was like I was just reacting and not even thinking.
“But I--.”
He disappeared from in front of me, and I saw Kevin shove him hard into a wall.
“... the fuck you’re doing?!” I heard Kevin holler. “Huh?”
Daniel blinked at him. “Just talking. We were just talking, man. Listen, we were. Ask her.”
“I’m not asking her. I’m asking you.”
Kevin turned to look at me, and all I could do was stare at him.  He had fistfuls of Daniel’s shirt in his hands.
“Are you okay?” he shouted over the loud music at me.
I started trying to locate my voice, but it was nowhere.
“Elisa? Are you all right?”
Daniel fought under Kevin’s strong hold, and that’s when I reacted.
“Kevin, no.  No, it’s fine.” I shook my head to try to seem convincing, but I was scared out of my mind. “Just let him go. It’s not worth--.”
“I’m not going to let him go. This is the asshole,” Kevin said. “This is the asshole who bruised you. Don’t think I’ve forgotten that. You asshole,” he said loudly into Daniel’s face.  “Who the hell told you that it was ever okay to touch a girl?”
Daniel shrank into the wall.
“Huh?” Kevin hollered.
“Kevin,” I tugged at his arm.  “Kevin, don’t.”
And just as Kevin turned to look at me, Daniel decked him.  I know I screamed and the whole thing was out of control in seconds.
Kevin touched his cheek then actually smiled before he started to throw punches, and it was almost like he enjoyed it.  It was amazing that I could hear them cussing at each other over the loud music and the people surrounding them. I had to push against the crowd to follow them, but I kept getting swallowed back.  At one point,  I caught a glimpse of Kevin sitting on Daniel, dumping punch after punch on him while Daniel struggled to get out.
“Kevin! Kevin!” I yelled just as I was shoved back by some guys trying to watch the fight.
I made it through again to see the burly guard strain to get Kevin off him and push him over beer bottles and past the curious crowd.
“... out,” I heard the security guard saying as he steered Kevin toward the door. “And you’re fucking lucky I’m not calling the police.”
Kevin wrested his arm out of the man’s hold. “I can get out,” he said and made eye contact with me.  “Tell the guys.”
“No, Kevin I--.”
“Tell the guys,” he said as a side door opened, and we both found ourselves outside.  “Shit,” he spat. “Shit.”
“You’re bleeding,” I told him.
“I know,” he said wiping it off his nose with the back of his hand. “What are you doing out here? I told you to stay in there and get the guys.”
“I know. I just followed you because ... because.” Because I was a stupid, idiot girl. “I’m sorry.”
He nodded.  “It’s okay. Just get back inside and get the guys.”
I shook my head. “I’m not leaving you out here.  You’re bleeding, and I know what will happen if they throw Daniel out here with you. I’m not about to let you guys keep pounding on each other. He was just talking to me.”
“Elisa, he’s a jerk. He deserved a beating long ago, and you know that. He’s just lucky Nick wasn’t out there with me to really let him have it.”
I started shaking.  Seeing them go at it like that had scared me, and there was no way I could hide it.
His right eye twitched as he struggled to keep it open.
“Son of a bitch sucker-punched me.” He chuckled.  “I think I busted his lip.  I hadn’t gotten in a fight in a long time.” He laughed and looked up at me. “What? What’s wrong?”
I shook my head because my words were caught in my throat.
“Hey,” he said gently and wiped more blood off his nose.  “It’s okay. Nothing happened.  That guy deserved that beating, and he finally got it.”
I nodded and shivered though it wasn’t even cold.
“Elisa?” he said and came closer.  “You have to go get the guys.  We can’t get stuck out here all night, okay? Go get Nick.”
I know I just nodded again, and he laughed softly.
“Girl, it’s okay. I’m okay. He didn’t do a thing.  Stop looking at me like that, and go get Nick.”
Nick.
The repetition of his name finally moved me.
“Yeah, okay,” I managed to say and started toward the front entrance of the club.
I heard Kevin sigh, and something stopped me. All my life I had to stand up for myself, and I didn’t always do such a good job of it.  It felt really good to have someone do it for me.
“What?” he asked as soon as I turned back to him. “What’s wrong?”
I hurried back to him and grabbed him into a hug. “Thank you.”
It took him a bit, but returned.
“It’s okay,” he said with a small laugh.  “You’re welcome.  You’re a good girl, and I’d never let anyone hurt you.”
“Shit.”
We both turned to find Nick on the street corner hurrying away from us with AJ right behind him.
“Oh my God! Are you okay?” Josie asked as she reached us and caught sight of the blood all over Kevin’s shirt.
“Yeah. We’re fine. Where is he going. Nick?” I started after him.
“Crap,” Kevin muttered and passed me up. “Frack?”
“Josie, what happened?” I asked as we hurried after the guys.
“I’m not sure,” she said. “Nick was looking all over the place for you guys.  AJ and me saw the fight, but we didn’t know it was Kevin.  We had just been following Nicky around who was all worried because you were with Kevin.”
“He was worried because I was with Kevin?” I repeated.
“Um, yeah.”
Kevin and AJ caught up with him at my car. Nick was standing there staring hard at the ground.  His face was flushed red, and his hands were balled into fists.
“... just listen to me?” I heard Kevin saying.  “I don’t know what’s going through your mind, but you’re wrong.  You’re fucking wrong, Nick.”
He didn’t even look up.  If anything, he found a better spot on the ground to stare at.
“Nick? Now, I know you’re not thinking stupid, right? You’re not thinking that--.”
“I don’t have to think. I know,” he said lowly.
“What? What do you know?” Kevin asked.
“Kev, stop,” AJ said. “He’s so wasted, and--.”
“Shut the hell up because I am not wasted!” Nick yelled at AJ.  He half-glanced as Kevin like he couldn’t even stand to look at him. Then he went back to looking at the ground.
“Hey,” Kevin began in that soft tone he had used on me.  “Nick, what the hell is going on?  Why are you like this, huh?  Huh?”  He reached out to take Nick’s shoulder but got shoved away.
“Get your hands off me!” Nick yelled and finally looked at him.  “Who the fuck do you think you are? You think you can be out here with my screwed up girlfriend and be like nothing?!”
“Nick, we--.”
“I know all about ‘we!’” Nick shouted.
Kevin looked shocked.  “What? What do you know? Or what do you think you know, little man?”
Nick glared at him hard then looked around for me.  I stayed back with Josie because I was too afraid of what he was about to say.  He looked at me, half-laughed and shook his head.
“I’m not blind,” he said in a strangely calm tone. “You guys are always together.  Always somewhere talking.  You’re always around her. You finally gave in and let someone help you.  I just don’t understand why it had to be my fucking girlfriend.”
Kevin closed his eyes.
“Nick,” I finally spoke up but had not idea what say. “Nick, you’re--.”
“No!” he yelled.  “Don’t even talk to me because you have nothing to say!  All this time, I’ve just ignored it. I’ve let it go.  I’ve been trying to be blind, but I’m not.” He looked at Kevin.  “I’m not blind.  You’re too depressed to spend time with your wife, go spend time with Elisa.  She seems to be able to tell you what you want to hear.”
“Nick, it’s not like that,” I said stepping forward.  “You don’t get it. Honey, he--.”
He looked down at me, and the anger in his eyes turned to hurt. I wished right then the Earth would have swallowed me up.
“What?” he asked softly now and shook his head. “I saw you guys. I’ve seen  you guys since we were in Tampa.  Hell, since we were on tour.  You guys wanna be together? Go ahead.  Don’t let me fucking stop you.”
“I can’t believe you--,” Kevin began.
“Shut up!” Nick yelled. “I’m tired of hearing your voice, your reasoning! It’s always to make me feel stupid. ‘Baby this’ and ‘baby that.’  And it always just means that I’m stupid.  I’m tired of you trying to make me feel stupid!”
Kevin’s usual security seemed to vanish with those words.
He turned on his heel and walked away.
Nick’s angered gaze found me again. “Aren’t you going? Aren’t you going after him?  Go make sure he’s okay.  Go talk to him and make him feel better. Do whatever the hell you guys have been doing whenever I turn my back.”
“We haven’t been doing anything but being friends.  He was just standing up for me because Daniel was there.  I can’t believe you’d suspect something like that, Nick. I can’t believe you don’t trust me.  After everything we’ve been through, you’re the one with the doubts.”
“You made me doubt!” he yelled.  “You and all your worrying about Kevin!”
Kevin was already out of sight.
“Nick--,” I began with that strange, cold feeling washing over me.
“I’m done listening. Go home!” He held my car keys out to me and set his mouth in a straight line.”
“But honey--.”
“No!” he pushed the keys on me.  “Go home. Go home already.”
Josie took the keys from him, but I still couldn’t move.  I looked for his eyes that wouldn’t turn to me, and I was afraid that they never would again.
“Elisa, let’s go,” Josie called.
“Guys, go on,” AJ said softly.  “I’ll get the guys back, no prob.”
I looked at him, and he tried to smile.
“It’s okay.  You guys can talk tomorrow and straighten all this out.  Just go.”
Nick was already walking off on AJ, so he had to follow.  It ripped the inside of my stomach, my chest, my whole heart to watch Nick walk away.
Josie tugged on me again, and this time I followed and got in my car.
“He’s a jerk!” Josie was saying the minute we hit the road. “I can’t believe he’d get all jealous and huffy over nothing. You guys weren’t doing anything.” She glanced over at me. “Where you?”
I was watching the dark streets pass me up wondering when it had all gone to hell. It was my birthday, and things had been perfect, at least for a little while.  That was the story of my life.  The good times only lasted long enough to make me believe they were true. Then they disappeared.
“Where you?” she repeated.
“No. No, we weren’t. Are you crazy--?”
“Because he’s hot,” she said with a grin. “And Nicky over there isn’t so bad himself, but Kevy Kev is definitely some kind of man.  I mean, if I had a chance to choose between them, I’d go cross-eyed and have a heart attack or something. I mean, really who could--.”
“It wasn’t like that,” I said so softly that I don’t think she heard me.
“... forget the wife!”
I closed my eyes against her words and leaned on the window.  And though I fought hard to contain them, the tears came.   I would have much rather have cried alone because nothing anyone said or did could make things better.
“Ellie don’t.  He’s not worth it,” she said just like a good friend should.  “He’s a dumb guy, and he doesn’t have clue. Plus he was drunk, and you know that.  He’ll be back.”
I swallowed back and pushed my tears off my face, but they wouldn’t stop.  Once I started crying, I could never, ever stop.
“You know he loves you.  You know he’s moved heaven and Earth to be near you. This is just one of those guy things that--.”
“Josie, stop,” I told her through my tears. “Don’t say anything else because it doesn’t make sense. I don’t want to hear it. You just don’t know.”
She turned to me, and I could just imagine the shocked look on her face.
“I’m just trying to help,” she said.
“You’re not,” I told her just as this little sob escaped me.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered hitting the freeway.  “Just forget I said anything.”
And she was mercifully silent the rest of the way home.  We drove to her house, where she reluctantly let me go back on mine alone.
“Call me,” she had said.  “Call me when you get there. This is no time to be alone.”
But she was wrong. If she had gone with me, I still would have been alone. Even if Laura still lived it home, it would have been the same thing. He wasn’t there, and he wasn’t going to call at any time soon.
I made my way inside, still trying to make it all fit into my brain.  I knew somewhere along the lines, he had started making little cracks about me and Kevin.  He seemed to notice that we were close.  But I never took him seriously because I thought he knew. I thought he knew he was it, and that I would never look anywhere else.  I thought he understood that he was the one who filled my life with good things that I had never had before.  Things I used to think that I didn’t deserve.
Well, I guess I was right.
I sank into my couch because I didn’t have the guts to face my empty bedroom.  Here I was again.  I leaned back against the backrest and closed my eyes.  So many things went through my head.  Nick. Daniel. Kevin.  One revolved around the other, and only one thing was clear, Nick was gone.
“Shit,” I muttered and opened my eyes. Something caught my eye under the table lamp.  There was a scrap of paper sticking out from under it, so I yanked it out.
Out came this little pencil drawing of a tiny bunch of flowers.
Love, Nick, it read at the bottom, and that was it.  I was in an ocean of tears so deep that I couldn’t begin to find my way out.
 

The cell phone ringing pulled me out of a fitful sleep a couple of hours later.
“Hello?” I answered immediately.
“Good. You’re okay,” Kevin’s voice drawled. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry about everything that happened. I just had to call to tell that this is so beyond anything I can understand that all I can say is that I’m sorry.  I’m just...,” he sighed. “Shit.”
I sniffled and pushed my hair off my face.  “It’s um, okay. You didn’t do anything wrong. Where are you?”
“Airport. I’m going home.”
Though I was on the phone, I nodded.  “Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine.  I’m absolutely fine. I’ve been calling Nick’s cell, but he won’t answer. Have you talked to him.?”
“He was so mad, that I didn’t even try,” I said. “I just came straight here.”
“Was Bone with him?”
“Yeah,” I said.
He sighed again.  “Elisa.  Elisa, I’m so beyond sorry. I can’t believe I didn’t have the sense to see that his brain was working that way. I thought after all the crap I had put you through, he was happy that we got along. But I should have figured that something was wrong when you guys left Tampa before your birthday.”
I waited.  I was afraid to ask what he meant by that, but part of me really wanted to know.
“Why?” I managed to get out though my throat seemed tight and dry.
“We were planning your birthday in Tampa. That was the stuff that him and Jay were always off doing.  Actually, we were gonna have it in Orlando at Howie’s club. It was going to be a big deal, but one day, he just dropped it.” He sighed again. “I should have known. I should have known.”
He was full of lamentations and regrets.  I was too far gone to even start to blame anyone else but myself.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
Immediately, my eyes welled.   “Um yeah--.”
“No. No, you’re not.  Listen, want me to stay? I can..,” he stopped himself.  “Listen to me. Don’t I ever learn? I wish I could stay. I wish I could be there for you, but I think I’ve done enough damage. After what I did last time, I swore I would never get involved in his life for the worse. I swore to myself that I would only be a positive.  But here I am.  I’m sorry.  I know it’s nothing, but I don’t know what else to say.”
The tears streaked down my face as I listened to his sad words.  I pushed them back and looked down at myself to realize I was still wearing my dress. My perfect dress.
“It’s okay, Kevin,” I choked out. “I don’t think either one of us knew what was really going through his head.  He needs to come to terms with what he’s done.”
He was silent for what seemed like a long time.
“Shit,” he muttered. “I feel like crap. I can just imagine how you are.  Listen, you have to do something for me, okay?”
I didn’t answer because I couldn’t.  My throat was closed.
“Okay?” he asked again.
“Um-huh.”
“Take care of yourself.  Don’t sit there and let yourself be hurt for something you didn’t do. Try to talk to him, if you want to, but don’t let go of your life.  You have a million things coming in front of you, and you have to be ready for them.  Remember how we talked about keeping some distance?  This is the time for you to protect yourself.”
“But how?” I squeaked. “How can I even start to...?” and I couldn’t even say it. I could barely even think about how I was going to have to let Nick go.
“Because if he’s not ready, then you’re going to have to accept it. And it’s okay for you to lie on that couch for a couple of days to get through it, but you’re gonna have to get up.  On your own.”
I swallowed hard, and shook my head.  He was so right, but that didn’t make it an easier to do.
“Girl, I have go. They’re calling my flight. I’m gonna keep trying Nicky until we straighten everything out. It’s bad enough we gotta work together in a couple of weeks.  I don’t want this hanging over us. Okay?”
I sniffled. “Okay.”
“Listen, maybe he’ll realize how wrong he was, and this thing will all blow over.”
“Yeah,” I said not feeling very hopeful.  “Take care.”
“You too,” he said. “Promise me that you will.”
I had to suck in air to even begin to tell him that big a lie.  “I will. Bye.”
“Bye.”
Just as I clicked off the phone, I got the guts to do it. I dialed Nick’s number.  But the stupid thing rang and rang without an answer. He didn’t even have his voicemail on.
I rubbed my tired eyes and hung up.  There was nothing else that I could do.
And I guess I didn’t really lie to Kevin. I got up off the couch, and searched the house from top to bottom looking for my little drawings. They were meant to keep my company when he was on tour, I guessed they’d have to keep my company until he came to his senses.  If he ever did.
They were everywhere.  Under the bed, in the closet, under some candy dish that never had any candy.  I even found one stuck under the front door welcome mat.
Just as I retrieved that one, I realized the sun was rising.  Here it was a bright, red ball making it’s way over the faraway mountains then reaching for the sky.  There was a light breeze in the air that wouldn’t be felt again until that same sun set that evening.  I leaned on the front door and squinted against the oncoming brightness of the new day.
 

“He’s not doing so hot,” AJ said softly.
“Is he okay?”
“He’s sad, ‘Lisa.  I mean, he’s just down.  I’ve been telling him to talk to you, but he just won’t.”  AJ’s voice was raspy over the digital phone.
It was sometime in the middle of the day. I had just watched the shadows change shape in the living room because I still hadn’t gotten the courage to go to the bedroom and change. I knew his things would be there.  He’d left his pants on the floor, and his shirt over a chair.  One of his tennis shoes had been right in the doorway that led to the bathroom.
“He was wrong, AJ.”
“I know,” he said. “I know. Kev’s gone.”
“I know. He called me. He was really down too,” I said and rubbed my forehead. I was starting to get a headache, and I could already tell it wasn’t going to be pretty.  “We didn’t do anything, AJ. We just--.”
“I know. I know,” he said forcefully. “I know that. You don’t have to tell me. It’s just that the three of you have this history.  Kev’s the one that came here to convince Nicky to go back. He’s also the one that came to get you when you ran off.  I think for a long time, Nick’s felt Kev has too much control in his life.”
“But it’s not true. He’s the only one controlling this. He’s the one who has to decide.  He has to realize that he was wrong. Daniel had been bothering me, and all Kevin did was stand up for me.  He just did helped get away from him, and I was nothing but grateful.”
“Don’t you think Nicky would have liked to have been the man to stand up for your honor?”
“He wasn’t there,” I said.  “It’s not a contest, AJ.”
“Yeah, but that’s his pride.  And believe it or not, pride is a lot when you’re a man.”
“He didn’t used to be like that,” I said.  “He used to be so vulnerable.  It was easier to hurt him than for him to do the hurting. Now he’s just holding on to this like it’s something big. When it’s nothing. It’s nothing. Nothing is different. Nothing.  Just him. Him and his pride.”
“Well, he’s still here,” AJ said. “We haven’t moved. We’re not going anywhere.  If he was that pissed, we‘d already be at the airport or at the car rental place. But the boy‘s staying put.”
“You think that means something? You think he’s thinking this through?”
“He’s doing something, girl.  I mean he’s just there in his room doing something.”
I closed my eyes against the images of Nick alone dealing with all of that. I hated to see him hurt more than anything else. I could just imagine how hard it was for him sit there and realize what had happened.  It was practically sheer hell for me.
“I have to go set up my classroom tomorrow,” I said.  “School starts next week.”
“That’s right,” he said. “And we gotta be getting back to Florida pretty soon.”  He sighed.  “You guys better hurry up and fix this.”
“Where are you? What hotel?” I asked.  I was going to have to do something.  He wasn’t capable of moving, so I was going to have to.
“The Westin,” he said. “You coming?”
“Yeah, AJ. I’ll be right there.”
 

I trekked all the way up the stairs to their suite. I didn’t want to take the elevator because it would get me there faster. I had forced myself to change, fix up my hair and face, so I had to do it. I had to do something.
“Hey,” AJ greeted opening the door. “How are you? Are you okay?”
I tried to smile. “I’m okay.”
“Aw, girl, it’ll be fine,” he squeezed my shoulder and steered me to the adjacent door.  “Good luck.”
I sighed to fill myself up with courage and knocked on the door.  There was no answer, so I knocked again.
“Nick?” I called.
It took awhile, but he answered. “What?”
My heart fluttered, and I took the doorknob in my hand. “Can we talk?  Can I come in?”
The door opened yanking me with it, and I had to catch my balance.
“What?” he asked, the very same anger still written all over his face.
“I want to talk,” I said.  “Can I talk to you?”
He gave me this tired look, then he stepped back.  “Come in.”
I sucked in air and followed him inside to his relatively neat room.
“How are you?” I asked as he plunked down on the ruffled bed and left me standing.
He leaned back on his palms and shrugged.
In typical Nick fashion, he found a spot on the rug and stared at it.  He wasn’t going to make this easy.
“Look,” I began as gently as I could. “I know you’re mad.  I know that I’m probably the last person you want to see right now--.”
He let out this short laugh.
“But I’m not ready to throw everything away over a misunderstanding, Nick. And this is what this is. This is a misunderstanding. Kevin and I were not doing anything.  We were outside because he and Daniel had just gotten into a fight, and he got kicked out. I was supposed to stay inside and get you, but I didn’t want to leave him out there alone.”
He clicked his gums. “Yeah, because he’s so helpless, right? Six feet tall. Nearly two-hundred pounds.  You were gonna defend him, right?”
“Nick, it wasn’t like that either. I just felt..,” I stopped as I searched for the right world. “I felt obliged to be there. You’ve known him all your life. You know what it’s like to have that security, that protection. I don’t.  I have never, ever had anyone stand up for me like that.  You saw how my older sister treated me.” I shrugged. “I just appreciated that he was there for me.  He stood up for me when no one else ever did.”
“Well, I would have,” he spat defensively.  “If I’d known what the hell was going on.  But no, as usual, with you two, I was out of the loop.”
“What loop? What are you talking about, Nick?”
He shook his head. “The fucking loop you guys have between you. I thought for a few drunken seconds there than maybe you two were involved, that something was going on. But no. I don’t really think either one of you would do that to me. So then it was worse. It wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t even sex.”
I stared at him trying to understand.  He was making less sense each second.
He looked up at my silence, and I caught a glimpse of vulnerable, confused side.  Then he sat up really straight and looked at me with his mouth set in a straight line.  He crossed his arms.
“You guys are close. You have a connection.  I don’t want my girlfriend having an close connection with anyone else but me.  I don’t think the person that I have chosen to love should be consoling my best friends. It’s just not normal. It makes me crazy, and I don’t think that I can handle it. If you guys had been screwing around, I could understand the humanity of it all. But if you’re finding something in him that I can’t give you..,” he shrugged. “I don’t think there’s anything that I can do to change that.   And I don’t want to.”
I bit my lip to keep from calling him stupid. Or maybe it was to keep myself from breaking down in front of his eyes and blaming the whole thing on myself. At that point, I didn’t know anymore.
“Nick, I didn’t find anything in Kevin that you needed to give me.  You gave me all that I wanted in a man and in a friend.  But I guess I made the mistake of becoming friends with him. I never thought--.”
He continued to give me that hard look. “Yeah. You never thought, did you? You thought I was going to be understanding, silly Nick who just trusts blindly. Well, you know what? I don’t trust blindly anymore.  You’ve left me before. He’s screwed me over. He admitted it himself. I’m not going to leave myself open to other people’s selfishness.”
“Nick, he’s your friend, and I love you,” I said as steadily as I could. “Neither one of us did anything to hurt you this time.  And if you can’t forgive the past, then you’re just hurting yourself.  You’re going to lose everything and everyone that matters to you that way.”
He sat up straighter and shrugged. “Well, you know what? At least that way, I won’t get hurt.”
I was nodding before he finished saying the last word. He had done it. We had finally done it to him. He had gotten bitter, and I knew just how hard it was to overcome that.
“Don’t do that,” I said.
“Do what? Do what, Elisa? Stand up for myself? I --.”
I shook my head. “Don’t get bitter. Don’t let what people do to you, or what you think they’re doing to you, change you. Don’t let yourself become what I was just a few months ago. You don’t deserve that.”
He just looked up at me, and he actually seemed to listen. So I continued.
“You’re a great person just the way you are.  I’m sorry that I did something to make you feel the way you do.  And I’m sure Kevin’s sorry too.  But I understand, because that’s exactly how I used to feel about everything and everyone.  Then you came along,” I stopped myself not really ready to have a meltdown in front of him.
He shrugged at me and looked at the floor again.
I sucked in air and decided just to tell him.  It might be the last thing I was ever able to do in front of his face.  “You’re just better than that, Nick.  And it’s too hard to turn around and go back. I still don’t know if I have stopped being bitter.  Sometimes, I think I just never let myself truly believe that you were really part of my life.  I guess I thought I didn’t deserve someone like you.  All I never had were the Daniels of this world, and they never put good things in my life like you did.  So thanks for that. Thanks for letting me see what happiness looks like.  Just don’t let yourself lose it.  Don’t become someone like me.”  I turned away from his steady gaze. “It’s okay if you hate me,” I made myself say before I ran out of courage. “But you guys have to work together, and--.”
“And we’ll work it out then. It’s fine.  Don‘t worry about it,” he said flatly.
I nodded already tired of being pushed away.  I opened my purse, took out my phone and placed it on the table.
“I don’t want it,” he said.
“I don’t either.”  My eyes welled, so it was  my turn to look at the floor.  “Take care, Nick,” I managed to get out as I hurried to the door.
“... too,” was all I heard him say, and then the door slammed after me, but I was already crossing through AJ’s room and on my way out the door.
I rushed through the empty corridor and right through the stairwell door.  A million obscenities crossed my head because that’s all I could do.  Just curse the day I saw him again.  The day I let myself fall in love with him again.  And the day I lost sight of what was important and hurt him. I never, ever wanted to hurt him.
 

Strangely enough it was their music that got me through the next few days.  I went back to school on Monday, and I played Millennium and Black and Blue over and over again.  There was something reassuring in those songs, something happy, that I was sure kept their fans glued to them.
And happiness and reassurance were the two things I was sure I was never going to have in real life. I might as well let myself enjoy them in music.  So I smiled through the love songs when Nick’s voice would shine through and slowly unpacked my boxes to get my classroom back in order.  Working was going to get me through like it always did.  All that self-destruction that was so typical of me in these situations was out of the question.  A bunch of new faces would light up my classroom in a matter of days, and I didn’t have time to wallow.  They weren’t going to understand that their teacher was busy getting drunk and skipping meals to forget the only person she’d ever loved.  So, I didn’t even try.  I didn’t get drunk.  I didn’t go find some dumb guy to get me through.  I didn’t even go days without eating.  I just worked.
“Elisa, can I talk to you?” Mr. Conrad entered my classroom the Thursday before classes were to begin.
“Sure,” I said. “How was your break?”
“It was good,” he said.  “Thanks for asking. How was yours?”
I shrugged. “I’m glad it’s over. I’m ready to go back to work.”
He gave me a little smile and looked around my almost completed classroom. “Well, that’s kind of what I came to talk to you about.”
Immediately, my heart thudded.  His face didn’t look the way faces did when people had good news.
“Sure,” I said taking a seat on top of one of the student tables.  He did the same thing.  “What’s going on?”
“Elisa, I’ve been looking at our enrollment numbers, and they’re really low.  Desperately low,” he said. “I don’t know if people are moving out of this community, or if it’s just a strange year, and no one’s registered but..,” he rubbed his temples for a second then looked back up at me.  “But we don’t have enough second graders to make your class.  I’m sorry.”
I felt myself lose air.
“And it’s not just you.  I’m cutting a section in just about every grade. I just don’t understand it.  The bad thing is that you’re one of the last ones to get here, so that makes you--.”
“One of the first ones to go?” I finished softly for him. “I know. I know the routine.”
He sighed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could tell you something different. If things don’t change within the next day, I’m going to lose all of the new teachers I hired in the last few years.  And I hate that.  I was so happy with your performance here.  You know that?”
I nodded and looked around the brightly decorated walls. I was going to have to take everything down again.
“Your contract with the district is still good, so they’ll place at a school where there’s an opening. That is no problem, but I really wish that you could stay here.”
“I wish I could too,” I said and shrugged. “It’s not your fault. I understand.”
He gave me a small smile. “Lets pray that things change by tomorrow, okay?”
“How many kids are we short?”
“Like ten.  But we can pray for a miracle, right?”
I half-laughed and shook my head.  “I think it’s going to take more than a miracle.  But it’s okay. I’ll go wherever I need to.”
Besides, part of me had been prepared not to be at that school. It had been prepared to be in Tampa for the rest of my life.
“Are you okay?”
“Sure,” I said and smiled. “I’m fine.”
“I’ll keep you posted on what happens,” he said sliding off the table.  “Keep your fingers crossed.”
I crossed them for him to see, and he did the same thing as he stepped out of the room.  And I didn’t wait to start taking my stuff down. There was no point. Ten families with ten eight year olds weren’t suddenly going to appear in the neighborhood.
“Guess he talked to you, huh?” Josie appeared in my doorway about an hour later.
I nodded. “Yeah. You too?”
“Yeah, me too.” She looked around my room. “But I hadn’t gotten all shit up all over the place like you.  Dang girl. How long have you been coming here?”
“All week,” I said.  “I’ve got nothing better to do.”
She gave me a look then nodded. “Oh. Oh yeah. No more Nicky. You didn’t talk to him again?”
“He didn’t really want to talk to me.”
“Screw him. He was a jerk.”
“I don’t want to hear that, Josie,” I said pulling some stubborn masking tape off the wall. “That doesn’t help.”
“Sorry, but this might help.”
Just her tone made me turn around.  “What?”
“AJ called me.”
“AJ?”
She nodded. “Yeah. He’s worried about you, so he’s called to check on how you are.  He wanted to call your house, but he figured you might not be up to hearing from him.”
“How’s he doing?”
“AJ? AJ’s doing great,” she said. “But that’s not what you want to know.”
I shook my head at her. “Don’t play with me.  If I wanted to know about Nick, I would have asked you. Did you tell AJ I was fine?”
“Yup,” she said. “I told him you were busy back at work.  He and what’s his name? Eyebrow guy were thinking you were going on some massive self-destructive thing.”
“Kevin. Kevin’s eyebrow guy.”
“Whatever,” she shrugged.  “But I told him you were fine. Their little buddy wasn’t going to bring you down.”
I started laughing, and I don’t really know why.
“What?” she asked. “Have you finally lost it?”
“Probably,” I chuckled. “I don’t know. AJ and Kevin are good guys. They were probably just worried about me, but I’m fine.  I’m fine. I’m always fine.  What else can I be, Jo? I finally let myself fall in love, and that’s over. I’m going to have to leave the place I love working.  I can’t sit down and die. I can’t give up and disappear somewhere. I have to move on. I have to keep going.”
“Yeah,” she smiled. “I’m sure you’ll meet someone else.”
I rolled up my ‘Dare to Read’ poster and stuck it in the box with the rest of them.
“I’m sure I won’t.  I was wrong to take a chance with Nick again, just like I was wrong to do it the first time.  All I want is some peace of mind.”  Just as I said those words, I understood that I couldn’t even have that. Without a secure job, I couldn’t have peace of mind. What if I hated where they stuck me?  What if I got a grade level I hated? What if I hated my co-workers? What if I hated the school?
“This bites,” Josie said sitting down in one of the little chairs.  “I hate having to wait to find out where I’m gonna be.  I don’t want to be anywhere else. I wanna be here.”
“I was just thinking that,” I told her.  “What if there are no other openings with the district? What are we going to do then?”
“Shit. Don’t even say that, Elisa,” she said.  “I can’t even imagine. I have a car payment, my apartment and a million credit cards to pay.”
I rubbed my forehead thinking the motion might  soothe me.
I shrugged. “Well, it’s a possibility, and we have to be ready for whatever comes next.”
She chewed on her lower lip and crossed her arms. “So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna apply somewhere else?”
“No,” I shook my head. “I’m gonna do what I’ve been doing the last few days. I’m gonna pray for a miracle.”
 
 

It would be lie if I said I didn’t expect to hear from him.  When the neighborhood dogs barked, I glanced out the window hoping to see some big truck drive up.  But I didn’t live hanging on to that.  By that night, I didn’t have much hope of anything, and going to bar and forgetting about everything else in the world was starting to look really good.
The phone rang, and I thought what I always thought.  Nick.
“Hello?”
“Hey it’s me,” Josie said sounding extremely excited.  “What are you doing?”
“Nothing,” I said. “Why?”
“Elisa, I have a plan.  I mean, we can’t just sit around and wait for Conrad to tell us what’s gonna happen. And in all truth, we both know that the odds of us keeping our classrooms this year, are beyond slim.”
It was nice to hear her so hopeful.
“So? So what’s the plan?”
“Let’s move to San Antonio.”
I heard the far away sound of Josie’s television come clearly through the phone line.
“Or Dallas. Or Austin or anywhere. We don’t have sit here and wait for us to get a job. We can just go get another one, and you know there are plenty of jobs in the big cities.  Hell, what are we doing here?  I’m ready for a change, and I think you are too.  Aren’t you tired of looking around at the same walls? Haven’t you lived in that house your whole life?”
I had.
My sisters and I had grown up there, and we had even all gotten along for awhile when were kids.  When we were older, Laura and I would roll in drunk and hope our mom didn’t notice.  My sisters had all left the house in their wedding dresses.  My parents had gotten sick and died while living in that house.   Nick had spent the very first night I met him on the couch I was sitting on.
“Elisa?”
I swallowed back to clear the thoughts that flitted through my mind.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“So what do you think? I’ve been online all afternoon, and I know there are openings in San Antonio.  We can go there tomorrow night. I’m sure we can get interviews by Monday and who knows? Maybe by Wednesday or Thursday, we move all our stuff out there and start out brand new lives.”
“That sounds like a good plan,” I made myself say because it sounded like the right thing. Everyone craves change. Everyone wants to start over.
Everyone runs away.
“Great,” I could tell she smiling happily over the phone.  “I’m gonna start looking for apartments online and see what I can find out about San Antonio. Hey, you want to live together, right? I mean, just to get started, then we can decide to do something else?”
“Sure Josie,” I said.  “That’s fine.”
“Wanna come over and look with me.”
“No thanks. I told Laura I’d call her, and I have the feeling we’ll be on the phone for awhile, especially once I tell her about the plan.”
“Oh. Oh okay,” she said. “Then I’ll let you know what I find  in the morning. So stop praying for that miracle, Ellie. I got your salvation right here.”
“Thanks,” I said.  “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Bye,” she said.
“Bye.”
I hung up and sighed. Just like that, I decided to change my whole life.  That was very unlike me.
But in a very like me fashion, I stayed up all night and scoured the house from top to bottom for more flower drawings.  I was afraid that if I moved, I would leave some behind, and then I wouldn’t forgive myself. I had been collecting them and putting them away neatly in one of my Mary Stewart novels.  It was a thick book, so I was able to space them out and keep them free of wrinkles.   But there were no more. I had found them all the night he had gotten mad at me.
“Where are you, Nick?” I said fingering the last one I found that previous night.  “I’m gonna leave and you might never find me again.  And maybe that’s what you want.”
The tears blurred the paper before me, and I didn’t try to hold it in.  I sat back on my bed, pulled my knees up and cried harder than I had since it happened.
It was just time to let go.
 

I stepped into the quiet school Friday morning.  There were a few more people back, but it was too early for everyone to be there.
“Hi Mr. Conrad,” I stood outside his office because I wanted to have things settled before everyone got there and started telling me about how sorry they were to see me go.
“Elisa,” he smiled. “Hi.”
“I just wanted to know if there was any news.”
The look on his face told me there wasn’t, but he got up and motioned for me to sit.
“It’s okay,” I told him. “I just want to know. I need to know.”
“Well no. There hasn’t been a change. And even if there was, the bosses downtown already told me to close the sections of the newest teachers.  I’m sorry.”
I nodded. “Okay, thanks.” I backed out and started down the hallway.
“But I’m going to call people I know and tell them about you. Just don’t tell Josie because I don’t think I can do the same for her.  I’m not as impressed by her as I was by you.”
I pressed a smiled at him and continued to walk backwards. “Thanks. It’s okay. I’m leaving town.”
I saw his mouth open slightly.  “You are?  But why? You don’t have to do that. I mean, maybe your section will reopen next year. I’m sure we can find you something in the district that you like. Elisa, don’t go. Not just like that.”
Don’t go.
Nick had said those words to me in Baltimore when I realized I shouldn’t have been messing around with him and tried to leave the hotel.
“I have to,” I told him.  “I was planning on doing it this year anyway.  I just rather be somewhere else.”
He sighed and his shoulders slumped slightly.  “Well, I’m sorry to hear that. I was hoping I’d be able to get you back here sooner than later.”
“I’m sorry.  I have to finish packing.”
“Okay,” he said.  “Don’t go without saying good-bye.”
“Sure.”
My tennis shoes squeaked down the hallway.  The memories rushed by me like the had the last few days.  I remembered how Kevin and Nick had helped me to set up my classroom.  Kevin and I had finally had a confrontation that I was sure would mark how I would feel about him forever.
Forever always seemed to change.
I spent the rest of the morning packing up the last, few things I still had scattered about. It was so easy to accumulate books, papers, games and materials.
I was finished before noon, so I started moving the boxes into my car.  Last thing on my to-do list was to say good-bye to Mr. Conrad, and it was about time to do just that.
“Elisa?”
I was staring out my classroom window trying to memorize the view I planned to never see again.
“Yeah?” I turned around and felt my stomach sink to the floor.
“Hey. What’s going on?” Nick asked softly as he looked around. “I thought you were starting the new year.”
I blinked then did it again to make sure I wasn’t finally hallucinating.
“Where’s all your stuff?” he asked stepping inside. “I brought you some books I found back home.  I think they’re by that same guy that wrote the ones we bought in the summer. Remember?”
He had gotten his hair trimmed again, and that always made his eyes shine even brighter blue.  That and the fact that he was wearing my favorite cobalt shirt and his favorite khaki shorts.
“What are you doing here?” I asked as my heart took a thud. “You didn’t have to bring me any books. I don’t need them.”
“I know,” he said and stepped closer to me. “I wanted to. I saw them, and I thought about you right away. Well, actually, I thought about you again.  It’s all I’ve been doing lately.”
I closed my eyes and shook my head. “Nick. Nick, what are you doing?”
“I’m coming here to tell you that I’m sorry,” he said, and I felt him take my hand.
I opened my eyes and actually felt my heart skip a beat. I had never, ever felt that before.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry that I was such a dumb jerk. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you when you went to talk to me. I’m sorry that I didn’t listen to you that night outside the club. I’m sorry about everything.  Everything.”
“You don’t have to say you’re sorry,” I said.  “Just seeing you is enough to know that.”
He pushed a strand of hair behind my ear.  On instinct, I followed his hand back to his chest and closed my eyes against the familiar warmth.
“I missed you,” he said wrapping his arms around me and kissing my hair. “I missed you so much.  I’ve spent the last six days thinking about how you were supposed to be home with me.  We were supposed to be together right now, Elisa. And I ruined it.  I’m the one who threw everything away.  I’m sorry.”
The tears had come immediately, so he pushed them away for me when I looked up.
“Stop saying you’re sorry.  You’re here.  I don’t care about anything else.”
He slid his soft finger over my cheek and kissed my cheek.  “I always make you cry.”
“I’m happy to see you. That’s why I’m crying.”
He pulled me back into his arms. “I know.  I know, but I still feel bad.  I thought about what you told me the last time I saw you. I thought long and hard about becoming bitter, and at first I didn’t care. I figured it was just what was going to happen. Then I thought about what that was doing to you.  About how inside, you had probably given up on that happiness.”
“I had,” my voice was muffled by his arms.
“But that happiness is you. I know it’s you because I don’t feel it anymore.  It’s gone when you’re not with me.  I’ve just been home thinking. Thinking and feeling sorry for myself. But mostly I’m sad because you’re not there.”  He kissed my hair again. “I missed you.  I missed you so much.”  His voice actually broke.
I pulled away from his hold to look up at him.   His eyes were shiny and the tip of his nose was a light shade of pink.
“I hadn’t cried in forever,” he said and tried to smile.  “Probably since the time I left here, at least not as bad.” He sniffled.  “But right now, all I want to do is hold on to you, okay?”
I broke his hold only for a second. Just long enough to wrap my arms around his neck and kiss away his own tears.
“Honey, I love you.  And I always, always will.”
He leaned into my face, and closed his eyes.  “I love you too.  And I will never do anything like this again. I promise.”
I closed my eyes and held on tighter.
 

“I got your stuff,” he said after we ate some Chinese takeout for dinner.
“What stuff?”
“Your birthday stuff.  I went back to the OP and got it.  You think I was going to leave your presents there? AJ ate your cake, but I got your stuff.  Most of it’s back at my house.”
I laughed.  “AJ ate my cake?”
“Yeah, he eats everything, but I did bring something with me.”
I sat up a little to face him.   We had spent the night pretty much holding on to each other to make up for the eternal days we were apart.
He dug into his pocket and came up with a little box.
“It’s not a ring,” he said immediately. “I don’t want you freaking out thinking that I’ve gone nuts and am gonna ask you to marry me.  Well, at least not yet.”
I laughed.  “Um, okay.  You’re not nuts.  Not yet.”
He put the little box in my hand, and I had to find my way around the massive quantities of tape the held the wrapping paper together.
“I wrapped it,” he said almost proudly.
I kissed his cheek.  “It’s, um, very safe in there.”
He laughed, pulled it out of my hand and ripped off the wrapping paper.
“Here.” He gave me back the black velvet box.  “Happy late birthday.”
“Thank you.”
The tiny box squeaked as I opened it to find a tiny, simple silver cross.
“You don’t wear gold,” he said. “I’ve noticed it that.  I wanted to give you something personal, something you could always have.”
“It’s perfect,” I said as I took it out.  It glinted at us even in the shadows created by the TV.
“Here,” he took it into his hands and slipped it around my neck.  “I wear a cross too.  It just reminds me to keep the faith.”
I turned around and kissed his cheek. “Thank you. It is perfect.”
“Naw, you are.”
“I still can’t believe you’re here,” I said.  “I mean, I’m looking at you, but I can’t believe it.”
“Me either.  Part of me doesn’t believe I finally got off my ass and came here.  Part of me still thinks I’m stuck back in Florida.”
“Why’d you come?” I asked tracing the perfect curb of his dusty-colored eyebrow.
He chuckled. “Are you kidding?  You think I’d ever leave you behind after all the trouble I’ve gone through chasing you?  I mean, first you ran off on me in Oklahoma City, then in Baltimore, and then you go find me, but run away again.”  He shook his head. “I couldn’t risk you changing your mind and deciding never to come back.”
I looked at him.  His eyes burned indigo in the dim light as he tried not to laugh.
“Really? You want to know why I really came back?”
I nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Because I love you, and I missed you.  I sat at my house wondering what the hell I had done and why.  I was all alone, and I was finally able to realize what a thick-headed, stubborn, selfish jerk I was being.  Besides, AJ finally got tired of trying to reason with me around Tuesday morning, and Kevin’s probably still calling my answering machine and voicemail everyday.   I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and hearing the phone ring every couple of hours.”  He shrugged. “But under all of that, all I wanted to do was see you.  I wanted to play with your hair and see your eyes when you smile at me.”
I smiled at him.
“Yeah, like that.”
I held on tighter to him and closed my eyes.  He was all I ever truly wanted.
“Did you think I was gonna come back?” he asked.
“Honestly?  No.  I thought you really thought something had been going on with us, and that you’d never think otherwise,” I said.
“Just like that?  Were you gonna look for me?”
I knew the honest answer to that question, but I also knew what he wanted to hear.
“Not that I gave you any reason to,” he said.  “But would you?”
“I don’t know.  It wasn’t so much you as it was me.  I mean, you leaving like that is actually pretty typical of my life. Every time I think I finally found something good, it gets taken away.  Whenever I think I’m finally perfectly happy, I do something to ruin it.  It’s just me.  I figured this was no different.”
He was quiet, and then I felt his hand in my hair. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.
“No. It’s okay. I know you are. You don’t have to say it.”
“No wait,” he said and sat up.  “I want to you know that I am truly, honestly sorry that I’m sorry I ever doubted you.  I never meant--.”
“It’s okay,” I said with more force.
“No. It’s not. I know how hard all this is for you.  I know how hard you worked to build up all those walls, and how hard it was for you to let me through them.”
I bit my lip, and I saw his eyes soften.
He took my face into his warm hands. “But it’s okay.  I promise. It’s perfectly okay.  You haven’t, and you could never, ruin anything.” I closed my eyes as his balmy lips touched mine.  “Ever, never. Ever.”
Though we were perfectly still, the thoughts still clamored though my brain.  Those same thoughts that were never far away, weren’t just close by anymore, they were loud.
He was still young.
He had doubts.
He was the one who had walked away.
He pulled away from my mouth and slightly pushed my chin up to face him.  “Elisa, you have to level with me here.  I mean, we’ve come so damn far, but I need to know that you’re okay. That you understand that I had a moment of,... of,...,”he smiled.  “Um blindness? Stupidity?  Loss of sanity?  But that’s all it was.  I mean, I got carried away and jumped to conclusions without thinking. I know you guys would never do that. I know that. I know that right here.” He rested his palm on his heart.  “This has never lied to me,” he grinned.  “It’s the one organ I always listen to.”
I had to smile. Him being young wasn’t always a negative.
“Honey, I’m okay.  I mean, the last few days have just been so crazy.  You went away. My class got cut at school.  And I’ve been trying to hard to deal and keep it all together because I’m so tired of falling apart,” I stopped myself.  “Wait. That’s not true.  I’m not used to falling apart anymore because I’ve been very together since you got back.”
He smiled.
“But I know you’re strong, honey.  You’re stronger than me, and I’m going to follow your lead,” I said.  “If you think we can make it--.”
“Hey!” he protested. “I don’t think.  I know we can.  My truth organ told me so.”
He was so funny.  “Truth organ?  Nick, you’re so--.”
“What? You don’t believe me?  Wanna hear what it has to say? It doesn’t lie. It’s never lied.”
I gave him a look and leaned into his chest to listen to the strong thumps of his great heart. He was right. It didn’t lie.
I wrapped my arms around his torso and let myself stay there and listen to the truth for awhile. It sure was better than anything else I had ever heard.
He kissed my hair, and I heard him sigh. “I have to call Kev.”
“You haven’t yet? I mean, you came here first?”
“Um-huh.  I figured I had to catch you before you let ‘that girl’ convince you that I was another dumb jerk.  Because I knew that was coming. I knew she was going to attack.”
I had to laugh.  “That girl,” I repeated. “That girl’s gone forever.  I want to be happy, Nick.  I mean, I want to have faith and trust in people.  Living the other way is too hard.  It takes too much energy to be angry and doubtful.”
“Tell me about it,” he chuckled.
“When are you going to call him?”
He sighed.  “Soon. In a bit, I guess.  You know, he’s always been such an influence in my life.  And I never wanted to admit it.  The press makes a big deal about him being the oldest, the big brother. And there was a time when he wasn’t exactly the best he could be at it.  But since I went back with them, he’s like this big rock that just holds everything up.  It’s like we can all have bad, I-hate-everything-days, but Kev’s still there and looking out for us.  And I know that’s all he’s ever done with me.  When he came to get me the first time, he was just doing what he thought was right for me.  Hell, I thought it was right at the time too.  When he came to get you, he was just trying to make me happy.  And when he let himself be friends with you, then he was just showing me how much he trusted me.  And I ruined it. I mean, I just acted like--.”
“That girl?” I finished for him.
He laughed really hard.  “Um, yeah.  I guess I did. I jumped in with doubts and fears instead of faith and trust.”  He twirled the ends of my hair around his finger.  “God,” he sighed.  “He just better be okay with everything. I mean, I don’t think he could be like really hating me now, do you?”
“Honey, he’s been calling you. That’s what you said.”
“Maybe he was calling me to tell me off or to send me some kind of death threat.”
It was my turn to laugh. “Nick, he wouldn’t.”
He shifted his body as he reached for his phone off the corner table and dialed.
“Good luck,” I told him still resting on his chest.
“Thanks,” he said.  “Um hey... Hey Kev, it’s me....”
 

It was a good thing that I was ready to go to Florida.  My school things were packed, and I had pretty much taken inventory of what  I wanted to keep stored at home and what I wanted to take with me.  Laura and Paul were going to keep the house because none of us wanted to sell it.
“You can come back and have it whenever,” Laura said as we looked at all my boxes and suitcases.  “By then, I’m sure we’ll be able to get our own place.”
“She’s not coming back,” Nick said as he strolled by with a box in his arms.
He had rented a truck, and we were going to tow my car all the way to Florida.
She shook her head at him and smiled at me.  “Are you okay? Are you ready for this?”
“Yeah,” I said.  “I am.  I mean, I’ve done everything else. I’ve been stupid.  I’ve been bitter. I’ve been alone. I might as well be happy.”
She smiled.  “And you will be.  He’s so awesome. I can’t believe what a great guy he is.”
“I can,” I said. “I told him that I would believe from now on.”
“Hey, that’s all that love is,” she said.  “It’s not easy, but it’s worth the hard times.”
“What do you know?  Paul worships the ground you walk on.  He wouldn’t hurt you anymore than Nick can stop being cute,” I said giving her a little push.
She laughed. “Yeah. Okay. You’re right. But Nick’s not exactly the picture of insecurity anymore.  You guys will be great.”
“I hope so,” I sighed and hoisted up the next box.
I was trying not to trip on the porch steps as I listened to the familiar sounds of someone playing basketball in the back.  I guessed Nick and Paul got distracted from packing up the truck and decided to shoot a few hoops instead.
It was a hot, late August day.  The sun baked the cement practically blasting the heat up from the sidewalks.
I dumped the box and was about to start toward the backyard when I recognized a familiar truck coming slowly down the street.
“Shit,” I muttered, slammed the truck door closed and figured I could make it back inside before Daniel even began anything.  I couldn’t believe he was so stupid.  Why couldn’t he just leave well-enough alone?
“Elisa? Hey wait,” he called as the truck came to stop in front of the Explorer Nick had rented.
“Daniel, don’t,” I told him, and that’s all I ever seemed to tell him.  “Get the hell away from me.”
“Hey, I just want to talk.  C’mon. Please? Can we talk?” He hopped off the truck, just as I started up the walk.
It was probably better to deal with him than to cause a scene, so I stopped halfway to the door.
“Listen, Nick’s just in the backyard, and he’s not going to want to see you here.  Why’d you even come? What could you possibly have to say to me after everything that’s happened?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t know why I’m just popping out of dark corners at you.  I don’t mean to be some kind of stalker sent to scare the wits out of you, but I just have to tell you how sorry I am. I have to tell you until you believe me.”
“I believe you,” I said trying not to raise my voice.  “Now go away.”
“Ellie. Ellie, c’mon. We used to be friends. We used to be able to talk about everything. We--.”
“We did, a long time ago,” I told him. “That’s over. It was over when I went to Maryland and saw Nick again. And it was really over when you showed up at school and scared the hell out of me.”
“And what about at the OP when your friend busted my lip open?”
“It was definitely over then,” I said and started toward the house again.
“I saw him in the parking lot,” Daniel said. “I saw you, that blond kid and everyone else all up in arms over God-knows-what.  You guys were arguing, and he wouldn’t listen to you.”
“We had a misunderstanding,” I said.
“I almost got off the truck and went to finish what that big guy had started, but then I just saw you. Whatever that blond kid said to you just seemed to break your heart. I just wanted to be there. I wanted to tell you that I--.”
“No, Daniel,” I said as clearly as I could.  “It wasn’t--.”
“I wanted to tell you that I would be there for you even if he wasn’t. I wanted to tell you that I wasn’t going to be like him, like the rest of them and let you down.”
“You already let me down.  Now just let me get on with me life.”
He blinked at me.  “Ellie, I’m sorry.  But that won’t ever happen again.  I would never do it again. I just want --.”
“What the hell are you doing here?!”
Shit.
I had never heard Nick yell in anger, and the sound just reverberated through my head.
“We’re talking,” Daniel told him.  “Elisa is grown woman, and she can talk to me if she wants to.  Don’t start any sh--.”
Nick was already walking toward him, and Paul was right behind him.
“Nick. Nick, don’t,” I said reaching for his T-shirt, which he easily pulled out of my hold.
“You know what?” Nick said so coolly it was scary.  “I’m not here to kick your ass. I’m not going to be unreasonable like Kevin and make with the punches.  I’m just gonna tell you to get your ass off this lawn, and out of my sight.”
“Listen kid,” Daniel began.  “Elisa and I are old friends. I think she owes it to me to at least consider forgiving me.”
I almost cringed knowing how much Nick hated being thought of as a kid.
But he was surprisingly silent.
“I don’t owe you anything,” I spoke up.  “I--.”
The words got caught in my throat as Nick grabbed handfuls of Daniel’s shirt and slammed him into the Explorer.
“Did you hear that? Did you hear that? Or are you hard of hearing?”
Daniel’s eyes were wide as he shrank away from Nick.
“Huh?” Nick asked. “I asked if you heard her? She said that she didn’t owe you anything, much less any forgiveness.  Is that clear?”
Daniel seemed to regroup and start to struggle to get out of Nick’s grip, but Nick just seemed to hold on tighter.  He pushed Daniel so hard into the Explorer I was sure he was going to leave a huge dent.
“And you know what? We’re moving to Florida today,” Nick told him. “So you can just forget about coming here anymore. You have no fucking business here.  And that better be clear to you know if you were that dense before.”
Daniel’s knees seemed to buckle under him from the force Nick was using.
“Nick,” I started after him, but Paul stopped me.
“I think you better let him,” he said softly.
“Yeah, okay! Fine! Let me go, you sorry little fuck.”
Nick laughed and let him go so hard, he fell. “Sorry fuck?  Buddy, I got the girl.”
I know I turned red, but Paul cracked up next to me.
And Nick watched him make his way around the vehicles and back to his truck.  Something hit the ground with a rattle as he drove away.
“Hm,” Nick said picking up a CD.  “It says happy birthday. I guess it’s for you?” he asked looking up at me.
“What is it?”
He quickly unwrapped it and let out this hysterical giggle. “Oh my God!” he laughed.  “Oh my God!”
I finally stepped past Paul. “What? What are you laughing at? Let me see.”
He held out the CD to me. It was a brand new copy of Black and Blue with a note taped it to.
“To replace the one I ruined,” I read aloud. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t need this,” Nick said taking out of my hand and tossing over his shoulder.  “I can sing all those songs to you all the way to Florida.  C’mon, let’s finish packing  your stuff.” He threw his arm around me and led me back inside.
“You scared him,” I told him as we climbed up the steps.
“It wasn’t hard.  He’s a loser,” Nick said with a shrug.
“You weren’t scared?”
He half-laughed. “Scared? No. Why?”
“Are you sure?  You just don’t really fight with people.”
“It’s the truth. I wasn’t scared,” he said with a little smile.  “I wasn’t.”
I stepped in front of him to make him stop walking.
“What?” he asked amused.
“I want to see if you’re lying.”
“Baby, I’m not lying,” he said, still laughing.
I grabbed his arms and listened to the strong thumps of his heart.  “Yeah, you’re telling the truth.”
“Elisa, you’re crazy,” he laughed and pulled me up into his arms. “I’m tired of all this damn dry heat. Let’s go.”
I tried not to, but I screamed.  “Nick!”
“Hey, we’re going home, right? Right?”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed his cheek. “Yup. Home. Let’s go home.”