It was going to be a classic. One of those pranks that we'd sit around and laugh at when we were older. I knew that I was going to make them all laugh their heads silly. I always did.
I climbed onto the bus way before we even had to be out of the hotel. It was a winter day in Madrid, Spain. The cobble-stone streets had a light, icy covering over them. My tennis shoes slipped under my feet as I hurried up the steps to the bus. Not even the driver had gotten on, but knew that it would be unlocked. Johnny and the guys had taken to loading the bus a little at time whenever we'd been somewhere for awhile. And we'd been in Madrid more than three weeks. It was time to move on, but we weren't moving on until I pulled a good prank on them. It just wouldn't be me.
I munched on some chips and other junk we had onboard while I waited to see some kind of movement. They were all at breakfast when I sneaked out, and not even Brian had seen me. They probably thought that I was still asleep or wandering around outside stretching my legs before having to sit for a long time.
"...around the main square," I heard Johnny say.
That was my cue. I hurried to the back bathroom and closed the door. I knew they wouldn't even look there for awhile because we all made it a point to take a leak anywhere else but the bus. It was just uncomfortable and bumpy.
I was on my way.
It was like playing hide and go seek and picking the best spot. I knew that I was well-hidden, but at the same time I wanted someone to find me and tell me what a good job I had done. I also harbored some fear that they were going to stop looking for me at some point. I mean, I knew they wouldn't leave without me, but I wasn't sure exactly how long they'd look.
I glanced at my watch, only five minutes had passed since I'd heard Johnny's voice. This was going to take awhile.
After another fifteen, I heard some of the guys' voices on the bus.
"...been here for awhile," I heard Howie say.
"Yeah," AJ replied. "I never thought I'd admit it, but I've kind of missed the bus."
"You have? What are you? Insane?" Howie said.
AJ didn't reply right away, but I heard them opening and closing the cabinet doors.
"Think we have enough muchies, D?" AJ asked.
"Yeah. Kev and I stocked up last night. We still have another ten minutes if you wanna go get something else?"
"Naw," AJ began. "I think this'll--."
"Anybody seen Nick?" I hear Brian ask.
'Yes. Yes,' I thought.
"Uh-uh," AJ said. "Why? He missing?"
"Well, sorta," Brian said. "I haven't seen him all morning, and we're supposed to be leaving in ten minutes."
Just at that moment, I heard the bus start. I knew they'd be warming it up because it was such a cold morning. The rumbling made it hard for me to hear the guys' voices.
"He'll be here," I heard Howie say, finally. "He knows the schedule."
That damn schedule. We lived and died by that idiotic thing.
I sat down on the tiny, metallic toilet and rested my chin on my hand. This was really going to take awhile. I looked around. It was so small that nothing but the toilet fit in there. I began wondering if I'd become hopelessly claustrophobic before my little endeavor even got interesting.
I started thinking about what things must be like at home. I wondered what Aaron might be doing. I bet he was having fun somewhere in the pool or out in one of the boats. Though I truly loved what I was doing, I also dearly missed home way more often than I wanted to admit. I rubbed my tired eyes. It seemed like such a long time since I'd been home for more than a few weeks. I hadn't even spent my fourteenth birthday at home. I think the guys and I celebrated it France, or somewhere that they didn't speak English.
After the complete ten minutes passed, I heard more voices on the bus.
"Sorry I'm late," I heard Kevin saying. "I just got up. Man, it's early. Where are Frick and Frack?"
Howie laughed. "That's a good question. Brian just came up here looking for Frack a little while ago. God knows where he is."
"Really?"
I heard AJ fiddling with his boom box. Different kinds of music came on as he seemed to be changing the station. "Yeah, and Brian hasn't been back since. Think they're eating breakfast again?"
"Brian knows the schedule," Kevin said.
Yeah, like he knows the Bible, I thought. Unlike me, Brian lived by that schedule. Therefore, the only reason for him not being on the bus was that he was looking for me. I resented that he was the only one. But that shouldn't have surprised me. He was truly my best friend, the only best friend I'd ever known. Even though he was older, and sometimes viewed life so differently than I did, he was my very best friend. I could tell him anything, and he'd always know what to say. He was the only who knew how homesick I'd truly become. The only one who laughed at all my jokes and stuck up for me when the other guys got frustrated with me. Typical for him to be looking for me and everyone else was sitting on their asses. I almost decided to give him a break and give up my little joke, but then it got interesting.
"Ready to roll, gentlemen?" I heard Johnny ask.
"Um," Kevin began. "In just a second. Brian and Nick aren't here yet."
"Well, where are they?"
"Um, well, I'm not sure. See, they-."
"Can't find him," I heard Bri say out of breath. "He's nowhere."
"What do you mean he's nowhere?" Johnny asked. "He has to be somewhere. Did you go to the restaurant? That store down the street? The jacuzzi?"
"Yeah, I've been everywhere," Brian said. "He's not anywhere."
"Oh, for Christ's sake," Johnny said then sighed. "Well--."
"I'll go look," Kevin said. "C'mon 'D, go with me."
"Okay," Howie said. "Let's go."
I heard their footsteps off the bus, and I was pretty sure that Brian had gone with them.
"That Nick," I heard Johnny say. "Why does he always have to be the one--?"
His cell phone rang, and he answered it instead of continuing. I wish he would have.
AJ turned up his radio, so couldn't even begin to hear what the conversation was about.
Another twenty minutes passed where all I heard was AJ's music. That little freak. He didn't even bother to go look for me. What if I was lost? What if someone had kidnapped me? What if I'd fallen and hit my head and didn't even remember who I was? He was just gonna sit there and listen to the radio? Some friend.
Another fifteen minutes passed.
"... just fallen off the face of the Earth," Johnny said. "He has to be somewhere. Keep looking."
"But we've looked everywhere he could have gone on foot," Brian said.
"So what? You think he rented one of those stupid motor scooters everyone drives around here and took off? What is he thinking? That's the problem. He's not thinking. Typical little jerk," Johnny was saying.
"It's okay," Brian said. "Just relax don't get mad yet."
"Don't tell me what to do, son. Do you have any idea what time it is? Do you have any idea how far behind schedule we're going to get? The roads are icy, and that's going to make traveling hard enough. If he's not seriously hurt, I'm gonna..."
Either he trailed off, or he stopped. The next thing I heard was the sound of Kevin's voice.
"He's nowhere," Kevin said. "I even went to the arcade on the other block and he's not there. Maybe we should get some kind of law enforcement involved."
"Maybe we should just go," Johnny said.
They didn't say anything.
I bit my lip. That's not what I expected would happen.
"We can't go," Brian said.
"We're not going," Kevin said. "He's somewhere. Let me go look again."
"I'm going too."
"No one's going," I heard Johnny said. "Where's Howie?"
"He's talking to some of the people on the street asking them for him," Kevin said. "He'll be right back."
There was a long silence on the bus, and my heart actually thudded. I was in big trouble.
I closed my eyes and took the door knob into my hand. Man, I was so busted. They were going to kill me.
I turned the knob slowly, trying not to make any noise because I knew that I could still change my mind and stay in the bathroom forever.
"Well, if he's not here in five minutes, we're leaving," Johnny said. "He can catch up on his own."
"He can't stay here alone," Kevin immediately protested. "He's a kid! He doesn't even speak Spanish."
"He knows the schedule," was all I heard Johnny say.
"I'm gonna go look again," Brian said.
"Sit down, Brian."
"No,--," Brian began, and I opened the door. I couldn't let him get in trouble.
"Hey guys," I said weakly.
"Nick!"
"Frack! Oh thank God!"
"What on Earth..."
AJ laughed.
"... couldn't find him guys," Howie said. "Oh, hey Nick."
"Hey 'D," I said.
Johnny was rubbing his face, hard. He closed his eyes tightly and took a really deep breath. I thought smoke was going to come out of his ears.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I was just playing around. I thought it would be funny if--."
"Adam!" he yelled to the bus driver. "Let's go. Now!"
"Nick there?" Adam called.
"Let's go!" Johnny yelled.
I took a step toward the seats hoping to squeeze in next to Brian and that Johnny would be too mad to even talk to me. But he yanked my arm and pulled me to the front of the bus away from the guys.
I sat down at our dinner table while he stood in front of me.
"What are you thinking?"
I blinked at him.
That he'd laugh?
"You're not thinking, are you Nick? I mean ever. You just do stuff you think is cute and funny and don't even think about the consequences because everything you do has a consequence. You know that don't you?"
"I--," I tried to begin, but he cut me off.
"No. No, you don't know. You think we're out here just cruising strange countries and having a good time. We're working. Do you understand the concept of working? I means that you take things seriously and put the games away. I mean for good. You're not a little kid anymore. Look at the time."
He stuck his watch in front of my face.
"What time is it?" he asked.
"Nine-fifty."
"What time were you supposed to be on this damn bus?" he boomed.
I winced. "Johnny, I'm sorry. I--."
"What time were you supposed to be on the bus, Nicky?"
"At nine. I was supposed to be on the bus at nine."
And I was. In the bathroom.
He shook his head. "We're almost an hour behind schedule now and on icy streets. I hope you think it's funny when the bus skids and--," he stopped himself. "What do you care, huh? It's all fun and games to you."
I rubbed my eyes because I knew better than to even argue with him. He knew that I cared, but he was mad beyond reason over a stupid little joke.
He glanced over his shoulder toward the guys. I couldn't tell if they were watching, but I knew that they were listening.
He bent down and put his face in front of mine.
"You do this again, and we're not waiting for you. Understand?" he said softly enough for just me to hear. "If you don't keep your stupid ass on the schedule and you will be left somewhere. I mean it, Nick. Seriously. Don't you forget who's signing your checks. Understand?"
I looked down at my shoes.
He pushed my shoulder, and I almost pushed him back. I fought hard to stay in control
"I asked you a question. Do you understand?"
"Yes. I understand."
He shook his head at me and went to the front to talk to Adam.
I sat back for a little while because my head felt hot with anger from him speaking to me that way. I rubbed my eyes again. I was so tired. All I really wanted was to sleep in my own bed and to get away from all the roads.
Whatever.
I got up and headed to the back where the guys already had the TV going. I let myself drop next to Kevin because I didn't even want to look at Brian. He was probably feeling sorry for me, and that was the last thing I needed.
Kevin sat forward after a bit and looked at me.
"You okay?" he asked softly.
"Yeah."
He patted my knee. "Don't be so goofy next time. Besides, you know we'd never leave you here. Or anywhere."
"I know."
I crossed my arms and leaned my head on the cool window. I heard Kevin take and release a deep breath.
They were being strangely quiet, and I had no idea why. It wasn't the first time I got in trouble with Johnny for my little jokes. I knew it wouldn't be the last.
I watched as we left the city behind and headed into the Spanish countryside. The fields were covered with a light sheet of ice. I didn't understand how Johnny thought that leaving later in the morning would make the streets icier. I thought it was the other way around.

I walked the straight and narrow for quite a few days after that. It wasn't much later that traveling and performing in outdoor arenas in the winter, had us all passing the flu around to each other. I think in span of three weeks, I got sick twice. Maybe that's what kept me out of trouble and not any fear of Johnny.
We were supposed to be recording in Sweden, but too many of us were sick to really get anything done. Even Johnny had gotten sick and decided we should just rest for a few days.
I remember opening my eyes because I could hear Brian coughing. It was faraway, as if in a dream, but I could hear him. I listened snuggled in the warmth of my five blankets, long johns and sweats, as he continued to cough.
I sat up. "Brian?" My voice came out rough as I was recovering from my own cold.
"What?"
"Are you okay?"
He coughed a little more. "I think so. Go back to sleep."
"Well, you're making too much noise," I told him trying to hide the fact that I was worried.
"Sorry buddy," he said. I heard him shift around on the bed, so I reached over and turned on the lamp. He squinted his eyes at me and tried to smile. "What?" he asked.
"You look awful," I told him. "You're really sick."
He pulled the blankets up higher. "I'm okay, Nick. Go back to sleep."
I grabbed my pillow and hugged it as tightly as I could. "How can I sleep so far away from home and listening to you cough every five seconds?"
"I'm sorry," he repeated. "I won't cough anymore."
Then he coughed again.
"Sorry," he said with a smile. "You don't look so great yourself."
"I'm fine," I said. "I'm already immune to the Backstreet virus. I was the first one to get it."
He laughed weakly. "Yeah."
"Should I go get, Kev?"
"No," he said immediately before being overtaken by the cough. "Don't. He'll just freak out and worry about me. It's just a cold. People get colds all the time."
I wondered if he'd be sick if we were home, or if we weren't running around trying to do much more than is humanly possible.
"You want me to get some medicine?" I asked.
"Where? Where you gonna go get medicine in downtown Stolkholm in the middle of the night, Nick? Go to sleep. I'll be fine."
But he wasn't fine. He was sick all night long coughing and sneezing. Neither of us slept a wink. Well, maybe he did sleep for a little while, but not comfortably at all. I could hear him moan and groan every little while, then he’d wake up. I ended up pushing some of my blankets on him because I knew he was cold and watching strange Swedish television until the sun rose.
With no sleep and the remnants of a cold, I couldn’t even look at food about two hours later. My head throbbed, just from being so tired.
"I’m just getting on the bus," I told the guys as they sat down to eat.
"You sure?" Kevin asked. "You don’t even want to take something with you? Some juice?"
"No. I’m gonna try to get to sleep. My head hurts," I said. "Besides, I wouldn’t want to get left behind."
He gave me a look. "Headache? You got a fever?"
"No," I said. "Just didn’t sleep very well. It’s okay."
"You sure?" he asked.
I nodded.
Brian tried to smile at me, but I knew he was still miserable, everyone was. Even AJ was quiet.
I hurried onto the bus and threw a pillow against a window seat because despite the cold, I still wanted to see where I was going. Hopefully, it was somewhere warm where the sun actually shone. I pushed pillow against the window and held on to it closely. The bus was still cold because Adam had barely begun to warm it up.
"Still no heater, Nick," he said from the front. He was putting his coffee in the cup holder.
"It’s okay," I told him.
Not much later, the rest of the guys loaded the bus, and we were ready to go. Of course, everyone was on time, even Johnny who still had somewhat a cough.
He and Kevin were walking toward the seats talking seriously about something.
"... but everyone’s sick," Kevin said. "I don’t know how you think we’re gonna put on any kind of show like this."
"We have a schedule, Kevin."
"We’re human beings, Johnny. C’mon. Look, we don’t even have anything to help the guys with their colds. Nothing."
"Why? Who’s sick still?" Johnny asked.
"Nick and Brian."
"I’m not sick," I called from my seat.
Kevin shot me a look. "He has a bad headache. He didn’t even eat breakfast today," Kev said.
Johnny dug a little bottle out of his pocket and handed it to Kev.
"What’s this?" he asked then read the label. "Aspirin?"
"That’s what I’ve been taking. That’s all we have. Look, colds are like that. There’s no cure for them."
"But this is aspirin," Kev said as if Johnny should know better.
"Yeah? So?"
"You can’t give him aspirin. He’s fourteen years old. Haven’t you ever heard of Reye’s Syndrome. Kids shouldn’t take aspirin. Ever."
"Then he’ll have to wait until we can get something suitable for children," Johnny said turning around and hurrying to the front. "Let’s go!"
I almost laughed but felt really bad because as usual, Kevin got stuck trying to deal with my problem.
"I just need to sleep," I told him. "Where’s Brian?"
He was rolling the little bottle with his fingers. "He hit the bunks as soon as he got on."
"He doesn’t look so good," I told him.
Kevin shook his head. "Neither do you."
I shrugged. "I’m fine. Honest."
He just shook his head, stuffed the bottle in his pocket and sat down next to me.

When I opened my eyes, we were in Holland. I only knew that because I asked Adam who was the only one left on the bus.
"Are they eating?" I asked him as I reached the front.
He nodded and flipped through his newspaper. "You gonna eat? You only have another fifteen minutes. The guys said they’d bring you something."
I touched my stomach. "Not hungry. You know if Brian’s doing any better?"
He shook his head. "He’s been coughing the whole time. What is it with you guys and those colds?"
"It’s exhaustion," I told him. "I’m gonna go see if I find a pharmacy or something. Don’t leave without me," I said stepping off the bus.
"Nick!"
I turned back to him.
"Fifteen minutes, kid. Johnny’s serious."
"Yeah, but Brian seriously needs some medicine. I’ll be right back. If I don’t see a store in five minutes, I’ll turn around. I promise."
"Hurry," he said.
I nodded.
The streets were dark and dreary, and it looked like it had just rained.
I have to admit that I usually have pretty good sense of direction. I mean, after two years of constant stays in hotels, one develops some survival skills, especially when overseas. But I don’t know if it was the headache, or the fact that I hadn’t really eaten, but I was having a hard time figuring out the street signs. Europeans use little symbols for everything. And they’re pretty obvious. I couldn’t find one that looked like any kind of medical help. Well, at least I could find some store that carried cough syrup, anything.
But there was nothing, just these strange little shops with souvenirs and crafty-looking stuff. I guessed I was in a real touristy part of the town.
I glanced at my watch. My five minutes had long passed, but I decided that Johnny wouldn’t leave without me. I was only going to be a little late.
I found a hotel with a little store that carried medication. The lady behind the counter spoke some kind of English, but I had to pantomime cough and cold to her. She sold me a bottle of dark, foul-smelling liquid. If it smelled bad, then it must work, I figured.
I put it in my jacket.
I must admit that I felt somewhat triumphant as I back-tracked to the bus. I was only ten minutes late. They would not abandon me for being ten minutes late. Adam would stall for me. If not, Kevin would take care of things. He always did.
I thought I was lost. I told myself that I was just a little confused from the cold. Plus, many of the streets and stores looked the same. But I had committed the walk to memory. I knew I was in the right place when I looked up the street, and the bus was gone.
Shit.
Shit.
I looked around. They must be playing some joke on me, getting back at me for my bathroom stunt. This was funny. Relax. Sit down and wait.
I sat down on the bike rack outside the restaurant and waited.
Don’t panic. They’ll laugh if I panic. Adam probably drove the bus around the corner, and the guys were having a good laugh just then. I smiled to show them that I wasn’t scared.
But I was. Johnny was cruel enough to dump me in a strange town, I thought as I zipped up my jacket against the cold. But I pasted the biggest smile I could on my face. I wasn’t scared. Whether they were sitting in the restaurant, or across the street, or on the bus itself, I wasn’t going to get all angry like Johnny. I was going to be cool.
Time crawled. No one showed. The bus didn’t come barreling down the street with everyone laughing so hard that the sound rang in my ears. If anything, it seemed like there was less traffic on the little street all of the sudden. Was this one of those little towns where everything shut down in the middle of the day?
I glanced at my watch. Twenty-three minutes had passed.
I looked up to the cloudy sky and tried to think. Maybe I was in the wrong place. Maybe I had taken the wrong turn at the lights and missed the bus entirely.
I got up and went back all the way to the hotel where I bought the medicine. Then, I thought each step through back to where I had left the bus. Same restaurant. Same bike rack. No bus.
Oh God. Oh God.
I sat back down and felt my heart thud in my chest because suddenly I realized that I was alone in a country where I didn’t speak the language, hardly had any money, and didn’t know another soul.
Wait, I told myself. Just wait. They’ll be back. If Kevin himself has to turn the bus around and come back, he will. I know he will.
Another twenty minutes had passed before I even moved from the bike rack. Hardly anyone passed me on the street as the everyone seemed to have gone home for lunch and never come back.
Twenty-five minutes passed right by, and I noticed how lonely everything seemed. No cars. No people. No bus.
I looked around. My schedule was in my backpack on the bus, so I had no idea where the bus was going. I couldn’t take a cab or try to take the metro or something. I did have Johnny’s cell number committed to memory. I was even tempted to call home.
No. I couldn’t wuss out and call my mother.
I made myself get off the bus rack and started down the street in search of phone. That’s what I was going to do. I’d call Johnny and apologize to death if I had to.
I found a public phone about three streets down from the restaurant. I dug for coins in my pocket and came up with coins from almost every country we had visited. One of them had to work, I told myself. Then I realized that there was no where to put the coins. The phone looked more like an ATM machine than a phone.
That was my last hope. Without a phone, there was no way that I could call Johnny, and without Johnny I couldn’t get back to the bus. I didn’t even want to think about trying to get back home.
I panicked then, my throat closing up and my heart pounding at my chest.
"No, no, no," I said aloud. "No."
I looked around the phone, under the phone, anywhere that I could stick the damn coins because if I was stuck in the town, I had nowhere to go. I pulled the receiver and looked for a slot there, anything, but there was nothing. I ended up slamming it back down and leaning my head on the cold phone.
This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.
I went back to desperately looking for coin slots for the phone. My throat had closed up on me tightly, and though I tried to fight them, the tears had begun to flow. I pushed them back and tried just to take a deep breath, but once I started, I couldn’t stop. I wiped my nose with my wrist and sniffled.
Someone grabbed on to my arm.
I whirled around almost relieved because I knew it was them. It was the guys.
It was some man.
I stepped back and pulled my arm away from him.
He said something in German or something.
I shook my head. "I don’t--," I began.
"American?" he asked.
I thought for a second. Who was this guy?
I allowed myself to take a chance. I didn’t have a choice. I nodded. "Yeah. American."
He looked at the phone, at my fistful of coins then at my surely-streaked face. I quickly wiped my face with my palms.
"Not money," he said in a thick accent. "You need card."
"Card?"
He nodded, dug out his wallet and came up with a card. He showed me how it fit into the side of the phone.
I wiped my eyes and tried to bite my lip, to compose myself. His eyes softened and he patted my shoulder.
"You’re lost?"
I nodded and wiped my eye with the back of my hand. "Where can I get a card?"
He put his in my hand. "Call," he said with a nod. "Call." He swiped it through, and I heard a dial tone.
My hand shook as I dialed Johnny’s cell number. That bastard. I wiped my face again and cleared my throat. I didn’t want him to know that he’d scared me to death.
"Hello?" he answered.
"It’s me."
"Me who?"
"Nick," I said more softly than I wanted to, so I had to repeat myself. "It’s Nick."
"Nick. Where are you?"
"I’m--." He cut me off.
"You’re off schedule is where you are."
I looked up at the dark sky. Why did this happen to me? How on Earth was I this stupid?
"I need to get back," I told him. "Where are you?"
"On the road," he said smugly. "Where are you?"
"I’m in the same damn town, Johnny! What did you think I was gonna do? Tele-transport myself to the bus?"
"It’s worth a try, Nicky? Who’s laughing now?"
I leaned my head against the phone and closed my eyes. My tears escaped my quickly, and I didn’t know what I was going to do.
"Hey," he finally said. "We’re stopping in Copenhagen to get Brian some medicine," he said. "It’s about an hour from where you are now. So, look for the bus at one of the first rest stops you see," he said. "Next time, Nicky, keep your schedule on you at all times."
"Copenhagen?" I repeated.
He hung up.
I hung up too and wiped my face. How on Earth was I going to get to Copenhagen?
I felt someone touch my shoulder. I looked up to find the man hadn’t left.
"Okay?" he asked trying to look at my face. "Everything okay?"
I shook my head and rubbed my eyes hard to make the tears stop coming. Being lost was bad enough. Crying over it was pathetic.
"Thank you," I told him, still rubbing my eyes.
He tugged my wrist.
"Don’t push on eyes," he said. "That’s bad. What’s wrong?"
I’m not sure how he understood me, but he did. I must have blathered the whole story at him through tears, sniffles and curses that I didn’t normally use. He pulled me away from the phone and out of the way of the pedestrian traffic that had started up again.
He nodded, listening to my pitiful story as if it made all of the sense in the world.
"You need to go to Copenhagen?"
I nodded. "Just tell me where I can get a cab, or a bus or something. He’ll just have to wait for me. He can’t leave me here in the middle of nowhere."
The guy shook his head. "I drive you."
I shook my head as well. "No. No thank you. You can’t."
He smiled. "I can. It’s not that far, and you are lost."
I shook my head. "I’m not lost. I got abandoned."
He finally looked at me like he didn’t understand. "I will drive?" he asked.
I started to shake my head and then realized that I didn’t have an option. If he didn’t take me, it would take much longer for me to get back. My headache was coming back, and I was out of choices.
He nodded at me as if expecting to nod as well.
"It’s far," I said.
He laughed. "Is not far. I will drive?"
When I started following him to his tiny, black sports car a bunch of stuff started running through my head. My mother had spoken long and hard to me about Europe. She said that things were different here, that people just had different customs and lifestyles than we did. My first walk through downtown London at night had proven her correct. This guy seemed harmless enough, and really, what choice did I have?
He talked easily and quickly on the drive onto the highway. At first, he asked me a lot of questions about what I was doing in Europe, and I told him all about Johnny and the guys. I also told him that we would be looking for a huge bus at a rest stop right outside of Copenhagen.
The cars zoomed by us, then he caught up to speed. His name was Sven, and he owned a gym. He was saying something about the gym, its members and how he was looking to expand to other countries in Europe. I was trying really hard to listen, but in the middle of figuring out what he said and trying to think of something to say back, I fell asleep.
"—damn Nick!"
I awoke to someone cursing my name and to being pulled out of Sven’s car.
I had to unbuckle the seat belt because I almost got choked.
"What!? Are you crazy?" Johnny was yelling at me.
Adam was around the other side of the car and peering inside at Sven who had sunk into his seat.
"What? What?" I asked as Johnny pulled me away from the car by my jacket.
"What are you doing letting some strange man drive you here? Are you crazy?"
The cold air hit me, and I finally snapped out of it.
"You’re the one’s who’s crazy," I yelled back having had it. "What was I supposed to do? I don’t have that much money with me. My credit cards are on the bus, and he offered to help."
"You don’t even know who he is?!"
"You don’t even know who I am," I told him. " You don’t care. If you did, you wouldn’t have left me over there. You wouldn’t have dumped me and left me to figure it all out. He was just trying to help."
"You just never think, do you? Did you even think that he could be some kind of freak? That you could have ended up killed out there in the middle of nowhere?"
I looked up at the clearing sky and just felt sick. If I had eaten anything, it would have been all over Johnny. I almost wished that I had.
"He was just helping," I repeated.
"You’re a dumb ass," he said and pulled at my jacket as if trying to pat me down.
I pulled away and saw the bus door swing open.
"Open your coat, Nick," Johnny ordered. "Did that guy give you anything? He could have planted something on you knowing that you’d be crossing over the border."
"He didn’t--."
He pulled me hard, and I had to stand still as he opened my jacket and went through my pockets. He found the medicine I’d bought for Brian.
"It’s cough syrup," I told him.
He opened up the bottle and smelled its contents. He made a face and handed it back to me.
"Turn out your pants pockets."
I did and all my coins spilled at my feet.
I squatted down to pick them up, but he pulled me up.
"Listen to me, will you? Don’t you ever, ever accept a ride or anything else from a stranger again, understand? You had no idea who that guy was or what his intentions were with you. There are weirdoes, perverts and maniacs all over this world, and you need to find a way to protect yourself. Didn’t your parents teach you to take care of yourself? You are most helpless, clinging kid I have ever seen. At fourteen, I was damn sure taking care of myself. It’s all well and fine that you’re the youngest, but that doesn’t make you an imbecile, or does it? Can’t you do anything on your own? If Brian and Kevin aren’t around to solve your problems, what are you going to do? You’re going to have to grow up some time, Nick. Those two aren’t going to be around forever."
I was long done listening to him and had taken to staring at the ground wondering how much money I had just lost.
"Get on the bus," he ordered.
I glared down at him for a moment then turned to look at Sven who was rolling up his windows as quickly as he could. I shook my head as he drove away just feeling sorry that I couldn’t even thank him.
"Get on," Johnny repeated.
I started slowly for the bus. My heart began to bang at my chest again, and my mouth felt hot inside. I could feel the tears well in my eyes, but I fought them fiercely. Was this ever going to end?
The guys were all standing at the front of the bus watching as I got on. I didn’t even look up at them. I couldn’t.
They moved out of my way as I squeezed past them and headed to the back staring at the floor the whole time. My pillow was still pushed up against the window, so I let myself drop on it and rested my head.
"Nick? Hey, you okay?" Howie asked coming toward me.
I nodded.
"We didn’t mean to leave you, Frack," he said. "We thought you were hiding in the bathroom again."
I nodded again.
"Leave him alone," someone said.
I heard the bus start, and then Brian coughed. I dug the medicine back out of my jacket and went to find him settling back into his bunk. He looked worse than he had that morning. I guessed it was all the worrying.
"Here," I told him. "You need to take this."
"Nick, I’m sorry, man," he said taking the bag. "We--."
I shook my head at him and didn’t even try to smile. My words were caught in my throat, so I hurried away from him and back to my seat as the bus jerked and started back on the road.
I settled into my seat and closed my eyes against the sting. I felt miserable, stupid and lost. Even back on the bus, where I knew it was safe, I couldn’t help but feel a huge empty hole. I wanted more than anything in the world to be home and to hear my sisters and brother laughing at stupid stuff. Even if they were laughing at me.
My tears slowly forced their way out of my eyes, and I quickly wiped them off. I pulled my knees up and felt how the bottom of my baggy jeans were damp from walking on the wet streets.
I could hear the guys trying to act casually, like nothing had happened. Except for Brian. He had finally stopped coughing.
I wiped my nose on my knee and watched the scenery blur and clear in front of me.
Finally, I felt a heavy hand on my head.
Kevin.
"Are you okay? Really?" he asked.
I didn’t answer. His touch just made me feel like an even stuipder little kid. Plus, the tears were coming harder and faster, and I didn’t want him to see that.
He bent over me and searched for my face, but I turned away.
"Oh baby," he said softly. "It’s okay. Man, I’m so sorry that Johnny’s such a jerk. You know we wouldn’t leave you. You know that. I got in a huge fight with him trying to get him to turn the bus around."
"It’s okay," I said.
"No. No, it’s not. This can’t happen anymore. It can’t. I promise that it won’t, okay? Just know that. I keep my word."
I sniffled. "I know."
He sat down next to me and didn’t move, even when I fell asleep leaning on the window. Somehow, in the middle of the night, I woke up leaning on him.
I pulled away from him immediately, and I think the motion woke him.
"Don’t move," he drawled easily. "You were what was keeping me warm."
"I’m sorry--," I began, but he chuckled.
He stretched, stood up and reached for the blankets we kept in the overhead compartments. He handed me one and covered himself up with the other.
"You sleep okay?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah. I’m sorry that I didn’t let you go back to your bunk."
"It’s okay. I don’t get much sleep there, anyway."
"Where are we going?"
"Back to Spain, I think. We should be there soon, you haven’t been out that long. It’s just really dark because of--."
"The clouds," I finished for him. "Does the sun ever shine here?"
"I don’t know."
"Is Brian okay?" I asked.
"Yeah. He was up a little while ago to go to the bathroom. I haven’t heard him cough anymore. What’d you give him?"
"Some medicine I bought in that little town."
He turned to me. Though it was dark on the bus, I could see he looked surprised.
"What?" I asked.
"Is that what you were doing? You were buying medicine for him?"
I yawned. "Yeah. Why? I told Adam."
Kevin shook his head, then rubbed his eyes and his face. He looked like he was trying to wake up.
"I can’t believe that," he said. "Johnny said he saw you talking to some girl. I can’t believe he’d just up and leave you somewhere like that. I was so mad. By the time we figured out you weren’t really in the bathroom, he told us some story about seeing you with a girl. I guess he was trying to convince us that you deserved to be left behind."
I shrugged. "I believe anything now, Kev. I was so scared. I thought I was never going to find you guys again. I thought I’d have to call home and get my parents to come and get me. That Johnny would get Lou to fire me"
"You should have called home," Kevin said with a laugh.
"What? Why?"
"That’s what he’s afraid of. He knows how protective your parents have been of you, and how hard it was to let you come on your own. I think if it had been me, Brian or Howie left behind, he wouldn’t have waited."
"Why?" I asked sincerely puzzled.
He sat up and shifted to face me. "Because baby. Because you’re a minor, and your mother could pull you out of here so fast. And even though Johnny’s mean, he’s a business man. He and Lou might sign our checks, but the checks wouldn’t be there without us, the five of us. He’s mean, Nick. Not stupid."
I shook my head and leaned against my pillow again.
"We’re going to have to do something," Kevin said.
"About what?"
"About Johnny. I don’t like the way he’s been yelling at you and how he’s running us ragged. I hate seeing Brian so sick. His mom would be horrified to know how hard it’s been for him. And not to mention mad at me."
"It’s not your fault, Kev."
"No," he said. "But I am the oldest. And you know, if Johnny thinks that we’re going to be stupid like those other guys, he’s got another thing coming. Those guys ended up involved in drugs, trashing hotel rooms and doing stuff that would never be okay with me. That’s not going to happen with us. And you and AJ are young enough that someone has to be responsible. And you know that’s not going to be Johnny."
I shook my head. "You don’t have to be responsible for me."
"You’re fourteen," he said like I didn’t even know it. "When I was fourteen I didn’t half of the responsibilities you do. Besides, I don’t mean that in the way Johnny told you today. I mean that someone has to watch out for your well-being. Everything else is your call."
I nodded and closed my eyes again.
"Go to bed," he told me.
"I’m okay here," I said, still not wanting to move too far away from him.

Brian and I were standing outside the bus in Barcelona. We were the first ones ready to go because we had been up early playing video games and talking.
"Hey guys, let’s go," Adam said climbing up.
The bus had been warming up for about fifteen minutes.
"In a bit," Brian called to him.
We were freezing standing outside. When I talked, my breath came out like a puff of smoke.
"Denise is meeting us in France," Brian said.
"Really?"
He nodded. "And she’s staying for the rest of the tour. I think AJ told her about what happened with you. Did you tell your mom?"
"Are you crazy? She would have made me go home. Did you tell yours?"
He shook his head. "No."
AJ marched out of the hotel and joined us.
"Everyone ready?" he asked putting on his sunglasses. "It’s going to be a long drive today."
"When isn’t it a long drive?" Brian asked and reached to take them away from him.
"Hey," AJ protested.
I joined in the game to keep his precious sunglasses away from him.
They were snatched out of my hand by Howie.
"Morning guys," he said. "I guess you two are ready to go."
"Thanks, ‘D," AJ told him when handed them back.
We must have looked strange to Johnny when he walked out of the hotel.
"Where’s Adam?" he asked.
"On the bus," Brian told him.
"Well, lets get on, then. Is all the gear packed?"
"Think so," Brian said, but no one moved.
He stood there looking at us. "Are you guys getting on the bus? Or not?"
"We’re waiting for Kevin," Howie said glancing at his watch. "He still has a couple of minutes."
"Well don’t stand out here and freeze your asses off--," he stopped himself because he got it. "Oh," he said. "You’re making sure Kevin gets on the bus?"
Brian threw his arm around me and shrugged. "Yeah. Just to be sure."
Johnny chuckled. "You guys," he said and climbed on the bus.
"You ass," AJ said softly.
"Sh," Kevin said coming up behind him and giving him a light smack on the head. "No need for that. Let’s go."
"Let’s go," Brian repeated pulling me along with him, and we were on our way.

Not six months after we returned to No-Fan Land, and found that it was still No-Fan Land, we headed back to Europe. What else could we do? No one wanted to give up the ground that we had gained there and risk starting at zero on both continents.

Johnny and Lou figured that it was just better for us to continue working in Europe and perfecting our skills and singers and dancers. They didn’t have to worry about us being a tight unit. They had forced us into being cohesive after I got dumped in Holland.
But it wasn’t like we never fought either. It wasn’t long before I was the first one climbing the walls.
"I said that we need to say in the hotel, Nick," Kevin repeated slowly like I was hard of hearing.
"I know what you said," I told him. "But I'm tired of being inside. Can't I just go for a damn walk?"
"Don't say damn," he said shaking his head. "You're too young to cuss, and no, you can't go for a walk. I know you. You'll never come back, or you'll come back late, or you'll get lost..."
"I won't get lost, Kev. I won't. I just need some fresh air. We were stuck doing that dumb video all day long. Then we rehearsed so long that I swear I'll never forget the routines again. I just need to get out."
"He has a point," Howie said from behind me. "We've been inside all day, we all need to get out."
"Well, we're going out," Kevin said standing up and heading toward the door. "You, me and Brian are going to that club later. But we're going together. Nick can't just take off by himself."
"Oh yeah," I said. "And you guys can take off to some stupid club and get drunk? That's okay, right?"
"No one's getting drunk. And well, we're older," Kev said. "And that's not our fault. You leave the hotel, Nicky, and you'll have to deal with me. Serious. Not Donna, or Johnny or even Denise. You'll have to deal with me." He opened the door, eyes on me the whole time.
"Oh yeah. And I'm so scared," I told him. "What are you gonna do? Beat me up?" Truth is I wasn't scared, maybe just a little nervous.
"You don't want to know what I'm gonna do," Kev said. "You and AJ just stay here, understand? We've never been here before, and there are actually some girls camping out there. Stay here and play video games. End of discussion."
"End of discussion, my ass," I muttered and he headed out into the hallway.
I knew what was going to happen. He, Brian and Howie were going to go to the club and let AJ tag along with them. They always did because he looked older, or they liked him better. I’m not sure which. They were going to leave me alone. I was going to get stuck inside once again because they didn't like taking me places with them.
"This bites," I said landing face down on my bed.
Howie had been sorting the million photographs he'd just had developed. They scattered from their positions when I landed.
"Nick!" he protested. "See what you did? I swear, this is why Kev tells you want he does."
"Well, it's my bed," I told him angry because I knew they were going to ditch me. "Go fix your pictures on your bed." With a quick stretch, I was able to knock many of his pictures to the floor.
I heard him curse. "Nick, you really need to grow up."
"Really?"
"Really," he was up with a huff and on his way to the door. "Sometimes, I don't know how Brian can stand you."
"Well, I don't know how you can stand your own stench," I said, though it wasn't a very good comeback, but it was all I had.
"Shut up," Howie said and he left my room. "Just shut up and get over it, you big baby."
There it was the dreaded B-word. I was a baby. I was always a baby. And they never hesitated to remind me of that. In front of the press, it was endearing. "Yes, Nick's the baby. We need to take care of him." Or, "He's our baby brother." But as soon as I protested for being left out or cheated, I was a baby in a bad way. I whined and complained more than they wanted to hear.
Fine.
Fine. I knew that it annoyed them, and that was fine with me. I could be a really big baby. Bigger than they had ever seen.
"Hey Frack," Brian greeted later that evening. He sure had spent a lot of time out of the room.
"Hey Frick. Are we gonna stay up and play all night? You said you were gonna beat me today," I said already knowing the answer.
"Um," he smiled. "Sorry, Frack. I'm going out with Kev and Howie."
I wasn't going to let him off the hook that easily. "Out? Out where? Why? Can I go?"
"Out to a club," he said with a shrug. "It's just us older guys. I mean, we want to go check it out because Howie promised one of those girls from the video that he'd go. We're really doing it for 'D."
"But you were gonna play with me," I whined.
"I know, but I promised Kev I'd go. Look, it's just for tonight. We'll play tomorrow."
I looked at him knowing exactly what button I wanted to push. "Fine," I said with a sigh. "I guess partying with Kev and D is more important than whatever you promise you made to me."
"No Frack--!" he said taking a step toward me.
"It's okay," I said with a shrug and pushed myself off the floor. "I'm gonna go hang out with AJ."
"AJ? Why AJ? Just stay here, Frack. You know what a pain he can be. I think he was fighting with Denise today."
Not like Brian to lie. He must have really wanted to go out. "Well, then maybe I'll just go for a walk outside. I can't just stay all cooped up in here--."
"Kev said we had to stay in the hotel."
"We have to stay in the hotel?!" I said louder than I meant to. "If we have to stay in the hotel, why are you going out? Why are the rules for you different than they are for me?"
"'Cause we're older, Nicky. You know that," Brian sighed. "Give me a break this once. I promise we'll do whatever you want tomorrow."
"I don't want to do anything...," I said then remembered the pamphlet that advertised the amusement park back in Spain. "Anything I want?"
He nodded enthusiastically. "Anything you want that doesn't break any rules, okay? Promise. I promise."
His promises were worth gold, and I planned to make good on this one. He owed big me after ditching me for the older guys.
I dropped back down on the floor and got my controller. "Okay, Frick. I'll let you know when I wanna do something."
"I don't know why those words scare me," he said shaking his head. He was going through his suitcase probably to go shower for his big night out.
I smiled at him. He just knew me too well.
They rolled in laughing down the hall around sunrise. Even better because they'd want me to keep my mouth shut, and I needed them to take me somewhere. I was going to need all the blackmailing material I could get.

We loaded the bus early the evening for the long trek back to Spain. It seemed like we were always going to Spain. We were supposed to stop in Madrid for a couple of weeks and then head along the country for a quick promotional tour. That was fine with me because that country was so small that I could always get to the ocean. Even better, this time, I was headed toward the biggest, newest amusement park in Europe. They boasted the fastest, largest, scariest roller coaster in the whole world. Well, I was just going to have to check that out. Schedule or no schedule.
I made sure to be in good, loud spirits the whole ride over there. Kevin, Howie, AJ and Brian seemed to really want to get some sleep, but I was in a very talkative mood.
"Why don't you settle down, Nicky?" Kevin asked for the twentieth time.
I bounced on my seat. "I'm excited. I love Spain."
"Yeah well, make sure you're well-rested when we get there and take a nap," Howie suggested.
"I'm not sleepy," I said. "I was out since ten last night. Anyone want to play a game?"
They all looked at me. AJ turned over and practically faced the window to avoid the sound of my voice.
"No, no games," Kevin drawled. "Take a break. Watch TV."
"C'mon, you guys, please. Please? Let's play charades?"
Brian sat up and smiled tiredly. "Why don't you grab your Gameboy?"
"I played by myself all night last night. Are you gonna make me--?"
"Fine," Kevin said and moved up to the seat next to mine. "Grab some paper. Let's play hang man."
I looked at him. "Hang man?"
"Yeah. Don't you know how to play hangman? Just think of a word. Count the spaces. I'll guess a letter, and--."
"I know how to play," I said flipping the notebook I carried around for doodling to a clean page. "I'll go first."
He nodded. "Okay."
I had to think for awhile of a good word that he wouldn't guess right away. Brian watched us amusedly because he knew I was consuming what little patience Kevin had.
"Hang on," I said. "I have to check the spelling on something." I hurried to my gym bag to dig out the amusement park pamphlet.
"B-A-C-K-S-T-R...," I heard Kevin spelling.
"It's not Backstreet Boys," I said as I counted the letters and committed to memory the spelling of Parque Fiesta Nacional.
Of course it was taking him forever to guess the words. He had gone through everything from Parking Garage to Fiesta Texas. I was actually drawing eyebrows on his little hung stick man when he snatched the paper out of my hands.
"Is this even in English, Nick?" he asked.
I shook my head. "Does it have to be?"
He looked at me like he was going to smack me with the pad. "Nick! I oughtta'...," he said with a laugh. "Okay. I give up. What is it?"
I pulled the pamphlet out of my pocket and handed it to him.
"It's right outside Madrid," I said. "The way I see it, we're bound to have at least one day off, and I thought it would be cool since you guys left me behind last night, that you actually do something fun with me."
Nothing could beat the looks on their faces. Well, except for AJ. He was asleep.
"Brian, you promised," I reminded him.
"Yeah buddy, I promised, but an amusement park? Don't you think it's kinda risky? I mean, we'd have to take security along with us. And even then, we couldn’t really enjoy it."
"You promised," was all I had to say.
Kevin looked at him then at me.
"I didn't promise anything," Howie said. "You're crazy. We're number one in Spain right now. And that park is going to be packed."
"Well, I'm sure that club was packed too, being that you guys rolled in at sunrise," I reminded them.
Kevin widened his eyes at me. "Listen, you'd better think long and hard about what you're saying. We can't go to that amusement park. You know that, Nick."
I was already shaking my head. They had already left me behind, and it wasn't going to happen again.
"I'm going," I said.
"No," Kevin said taking a softer tone. "You're not. You can't. Imagine what would happen if you got recognized. It would be a nightmare for you and for the security of anyone who recognized you."
"No one is going to recognize me," I said. "I'll wear a cap."
"Nick, you're not going," he said seriously. "I'm not asking you. I'm telling you."
"Well, I'm not asking you. I'm telling you," I said. "I'm going. You guys got to go out and do whatever you wanted. Why can't I?"
"Because we took Mike and David with us last night. And they had to get us out of the hotel because of all the girls out there," Kevin said. "You know it's almost impossible to go anywhere without security."
I looked back at Brian who knew he had made a promise to me. He pressed his mouth closed.
Kevin tugged at my arm. "Hey. Nicky, tell me you're not going. You can't."
I looked up at him without an answer.
"It's not worth the risk, Nick," Brian finally said. "We'll do something else."
"This is what I want. And you guys can come with me, or I can go alone."
"You know the rules," Kevin said flatly. "Rules are that you can't go out alone."
I shrugged once again without words.
"Nick?" he pressed on. "Nick?" and on.
"He won't go," Brian said assuredly. "It'll be okay, cuz."
I left them behind and went to find my Gameboy. I heard Kevin crumple up my pamphlet. That was okay. I knew there would be more at the hotel.

Lucky for me another pamphlet wasn’t the only thing I found in the hotel. I found a partner in crime. And a girl to boot. She must have been a year or two older than me, and she worked at the front desk in the evenings. I think she was a student because many times, I saw her at the desk with books open in front of her. And she was a nice looking girl, nearly my height with long brown curly hair and big, green/gray eyes. She used to smile at us and say hi whenever we wandered in and out of the hotel in the evening, but never said anything or gave any hint that she recognized us. I knew AJ had spotted her too, so I knew I had to make my move fast.
After rehearsal one afternoon when we were outside shooting hoops, I sneaked away claiming that I needed to call my mom. And I did need to call her, but not that immediately.
Just as I thought, the girl was there flipping through a textbook with a notebook in front of her.
She smiled at me as I headed toward the stand filled with tourism pamphlets.
"Hi," I said trying to smile back.
"Hola," she said and watched me scan the pamphlets.
I quickly found the one about the amusement park and headed toward the desk.
She shut the books and smiled at me.
Speak English. Speak English. Speak English, was all I could think.
"Hey, do you know where this is?" I asked pushing it toward her.
She glanced over it and nodded. "Sí," she began then stopped to think. "It’s outside the city. Like fifteen minutes." She had a slight accent and that funny lisp.
"Is there a shuttle? A bus? Something to get me there?" I asked, and she looked at me confused. "A ride?"
"Ride," she repeated. "Uh-uh. You have to drive."
I made a face. There was no way I was going to be able to take a cab all the way out of the city much less rent a car because I still didn’t know how to drive. And if I couldn’t convince the guys to go with me, I’d have to figure out another way.
"Okay, thanks," I said and started away from the desk. "Guess I can’t go."
"Wait," she said. "I can..."
I put on my best smile because I hoped I was right about what she was going to say next. "What?"
"Well, I can take you?" she asked tentatively.
"Yeah? Are you going?"
She shook her head, then she nodded. "I can go. We can go. Saturday?"
Saturday. I was sure that we had something to do, but I could blow it off.
"That would be cool," I said. "I’m Nick."
"Magdalena," she said.
I tried not to make a face. "I don’t know if I can--."
"Maggie," she said quickly. "Call me Maggie."
I eased closer to the desk and looked down at her texts. They were English books.
"No wonder you speak English so well," I said. "I always see you studying."
She smiled, her eyes shining. "I try."
"Well, let me know if you need any help," I told her. "I’d be glad to, whenever. Okay?"
She smiled at me, and her almost too big eyes shone brightly before me. I tried to return but I heard voices behind me.
"... go Nick!"
"That’s why you came back in here?"
"Frack?"
"... was gonna make my move."
The guys. I turned slowly, not really wanting to see them laughing at me.
I heard Maggie chuckle behind me and the sound of shifting papers.
"We need to go rehearse at the TV studio," Kevin told me easily. "Everyone’s gonna hit the showers and meet back down here in twenty. Okay?"
I nodded, grateful that they didn’t embarrass me. "Yeah, okay."
"Bye-bye Fracky," AJ said as they headed toward the elevators eyes on me the whole time.
I finally turned back to Maggie. "Sorry," I said. "They like to tease me."
"It’s okay," she said. "You’re the youngest."
"Yeah," I said. "I know, but that doesn’t mean that--." Hey, that meant she knew who I was. "You know?" I asked. "You know who we are?"
She smiled. "Yeah. The Backstreet Boys. Everyone knows. But I will get fired if I make a big deal."
I shook my head. "You won’t. You should have just told me. I thought you didn’t know who I was."
She rolled her eyes, reached under the counter and came up with another notebook, this one covered in BSB stickers. It said Magdalena S. across the top. I had to laugh.
"Everyone knows," she repeated.
I nodded because it was true. I knew fame had trappings, but it also had privileges. I was living the proof of that then and there.
"So, we can go Saturday?" I asked picking at a sticker of AJ.
She laughed, pushed my hand off and lovingly pushed the sticker back in its place. "Yes. We can go--."
"But it’s only me," I started to explain. "And they can’t know because I’m not supposed to be leaving without them. That means you can’t say anything."
She smiled. "Cross my heart," she said doing just that then kissing her knuckle. "I will say nothing. But we must go early. Like eight."
"I’ll be here," I said happy that I was going to get my way for once.
"I will be here too."
I smiled at her once more. "I have to go rehearse. It’s been nice meeting you. And thanks," I told her.
"You are welcome, Nick. Good-bye."
I waved as I headed for the elevator. "Bye."
She smiled and waved back.
I felt really stupid standing there waiting for the elevator because she was watching me. I was no kind of casanova like AJ or Kevin. They met girls all the time. Even Brian and Howie used the "I’m a nice guy" act to get attention from chicks. I didn’t even know what my act was. I was just me. I rarely met girls on my own, and the ones that approached me, always did it like hysterical fans. It was strange to talk to a girl like that. I just wasn’t used it.
Where was that elevator?
I realized then that I stank from the basketball game and wondered how awful I had smelled to Maggie. She was just too nice to have put up with me. I mean, she was an hot girl and obviously at least a little bit older than me.
She shot me a look of confusion while I kept waiting for the elevator.
Where was it?
Maybe this was something that I could start doing more often. It hadn’t been that hard. I was already fifteen, and dating girls was not unheard of at that age. I’m sure AJ was going out with girls way before then. It seemed like Brian always had a girlfriend, and I heard somewhere that Kevin was even engaged. The thing with me, was that the guys were never going to let me live things down. I was sure right then that I would be receiving all kinds of unwanted brotherly advice.
Where was the elevator?
And for sure, they’d have to know all about her. AJ alone was nosier than BJ, and that was saying a lot. Howie would have to tease me about everything. And I knew that Brian and Kevin--.
Oh.
I had forgotten to push the up button. I know I turned red as I reached to push it, and the elevator immediately opened before me.
I heard Maggie laugh softly as I hurried in and shut the doors right after me.
Nice one.
"Nicky’s not concentrating because he’s in love," AJ shouted at the top of his lungs when I messed up the steps again.
We had to rehearse at the TV studio to make sure the routines were doable on their small stage.
"Not true," I said more softly than I meant to.
"True," AJ countered.
"Guys," Kevin said. "Just concentrate, both of you. We have to do the TV show tomorrow, and everything has to be just right. Nick, get off cloud nine."
"I’m not on cloud nine," I protested while Howie and Brian laughed.
"Hell, I would be," AJ said. "That’s one hot chick. And I was going to talk to her yesterday, but I was dumb enough to listen to ‘D. He said I had to perfect my Spanish."
"Maggie speaks English," I said.
They all laughed.
"Maggie?!?" AJ practically shouted. "You already have a pet name for her? Man, that was quick. I was too busy working on ¿Como te llamas? What’s your name? Like she wouldn’t have told me that on her own. Thanks a lot, ‘D."
"I didn’t know Nicky was going to hit up on your girl," Howie said.
"She’s not my girl," I said.
"Yeah. He’s too young to have a girl," Brian piped up. "You can’t grow up yet, Fracky. You can’t."
"Hey," Kevin scolded. "All of you, quit it. We are here to rehearse, and that’s what we’re going to do. Leave Nick alone."
"’Leave Nick alone,’" AJ mocked him in a soft tone as we took back our spots.
The show choreographer was looking at us like we were crazy.
"Sorry," Kevin told her. "We’re ready to work now."
And work we did. It seemed like from that moment on, everything was work. It was okay. All I had to do was make it through Friday, and before I knew it, it would be time to hit the coaster. I couldn’t wait.
I was already coming up with a story. I was going to tell them that my mom wanted me to buy her one of those funny Spanish figurines. And from there, it would be easy for me to say that I got lost, so they wouldn’t be too mad at me. If I told the story just right, they might even feel sorry for me.

Once, I saw this episode of the Simpsons when Bart wanted to get up earlier than everyone else on Christmas morning. Well, he drank a lot of water to make sure that the urge awoke him. And that night, he had all kinds of peeing dreams.
I didn’t want to have Brian wake up if I set the alarm clock, so I did the same thing.
I didn’t have any of those dreams after drinking five glasses of water before going to bed. But I did have to run to the bathroom at six-thirty in the morning.
It was too early, but better to be early than late. After brushing my teeth, I quickly changed, grabbed a cap and my backpack then very quietly closed the door behind me. Brian hadn’t even stirred. I almost felt bad sneaking around on him like that, but I knew that he wouldn’t understand. He lived by the rules and the schedule.
I passed the time in the hotel restaurant and later just sitting in the lobby when Maggie showed up a little before eight o’clock.
She smiled brightly when she saw me.
"Hola!" she greeted kissing me on each cheek.
"Hola," I said with a laugh.
"Are you ready?" she asked. "¿Listo?"
I nodded and grabbed my backpack. "Let’s go. Did you have breakfast?"
She nodded as I followed her outside the hotel to the street. "Yes. I ate at home. Did you?"
"Um-huh. In the restaurant. I was hoping that--."
"Nick?!?"
Shit.
I turned around to find Johnny standing in the street next to a cab. Apparently, he had just arrived in Madrid.
"Hey," I greeted casually. "Hey Johnny."
He handed the cab driver some bills and pulled his bag over his shoulder. He was pissed. His mouth was pressed into a line, and his eyebrows were creased. I was in deep.
"Uh, where are you going?" he asked approaching us. "You aren’t supposed to leave the hotel without security. You know that. Don’t you have work to do today?" He dug his schedule out of his breast pocket. Figures it would be close to his cold heart. "Yeah, here it is. Saturday at eleven, you have to be at an interview. Right?"
"Johnny I," I began searching carefully for my lie. "We were... We were just going out to eat."
"Oh. That would be rule number two you’ve broken today already. Leaving with a stranger."
I winced. "She’s not a stranger. She’s Maggie, and--."
"Get inside," he said.
I started to shake my head. "I’ll be back. I--."
"Get inside," he repeated. "Get the hell back into the hotel, now."
My stomach sank, and a million words were caught in my throat.
"Maggie, I’m sorry," I said.
She swallowed hard apparently afraid of Johnny. "It’s okay."
"Move it, Nick," he said. "And move it quickly."
I started back to the hotel, and my heart took a tremendous thud. I was mad, embarrassed and defeated all at once.
"What the hell are you thinking?" began Johnny’s familiar speech. "Oh yeah, you’re blond. You don’t really think, do you? I can’t believe how stupid you are, Nick. What if there had been a mob of fans out there? What if someone from the press took a picture of you with that girl? You know that we have a no girlfriend rule, and that was the first thing they were going to say about you..."
I tried hard to tune him out as we entered the lobby. I thought for sure he was going to check in. That would give me a chance to get away his insults. But he followed me to the familiar elevator.
"... never learn, do you?" he continued. "I mean, it wasn’t enough that you got lost and came back with that pervert, now you have to run off with strange women. I don’t think you realize just how seriously you have to take this job and the rules that come with it. They are there for a reason: to keep dumb asses like you out of trouble."
The doors opened, and we got in.
Instantly, I was looking at the floor, not wanting to meet his gaze for a minute.
Strangely enough, he was silent.
I pressed our floor number and went back to looking at the floor.
"You’re not going to ruin this, Nick," he said so softly that it scared me. He never spoke softly.
"What?" I had to ask looking up at him.
"You are not going to ruin this by being stupid, understand? I thought the guys could keep an eye on you, but obviously not."
"They have nothing to--."
He shoved one hand into my chest to shut me up.
"Shut up, Nick. Just keep your trap shut. You don’t understand anything. Everything you do, everyone you talk to, impacts everyone in the unit. Not just you. And I’ll be damned if you’re the one to fuck up everything, understand?"
I went back to looking at the floor and noticed how shiny his shoes looked.
The hand pushed deeper into my chest, and I ended up against the wall.
"Do you understand?"
I nodded. "I understand."
The doors opened before us, and he pulled away. "Get everyone together. We’re having a meeting."
I gulped. It was one thing to face him, quite another to face them.
I hurried back to mine and Brian’s room because I knew it would be easier to start with him.
I shook him gently, but he didn’t even stir.
"Bri? Bri?" I continued as I kneeled by the bed. "Frick, wake up. Wake up."
Finally, he groaned sleepily and rolled over. I yanked at his shoulder. "No. No, Brian, don’t go back to sleep. Wake up. Wake up."
"What?" he called from under the blanket. "What is it?"
I didn’t answer because I didn’t know how to tell him. I didn’t know how to tell him that I had just gotten all of us in all kinds of trouble.
"You did what?" he asked rubbing his eyes when he’d finally sat up.
I didn’t even remember what I had told him. It sounded like a bunch of gibberish rushing from my mouth that I had no control over.
"I got caught sneaking out," I said. "Maggie and I were going to that amusement park when Johnny showed up at the hotel. He told me to get you guys. He wants to have a meeting."
He stopped rubbing his tiny eyes and looked at me. "Are you nuts, Frack? Sneaking out? What were you thinking?"
"Johnny already asked me that," I said. "I wasn’t thinking according to him. According to me, I was...," I stopped because there was no way it was going to sound any better.
I just looked at him and hoped that he’d be Frick. Hoped that he’d be my friend like he always was and help me out.
"I’ll get Kevin. You go get Howie and AJ. They’re next door," he said.
Thank God. I was dreading facing Kevin more than anyone else.
"Hurry it up," he said as he climbed off the bed. "Go get the guys. It’s going to take bulldozer to get AJ out of bed."

There are probably worse things I could have faced in the hallway that morning. But two sleepy ex-linebacker bodyguards, dirty looks from Howie because he was still in deep sleep when I woke him, AJ’s wide stance, arms crossed, messy hair pose and Kevin Richardson were probably more than I could handle. Then there was still Johnny.
Apparently, he had woken up David and Mike, checked in and was ready to chew us out without a hint of jet lag.
"My room, gentlemen," he said pleasantly and held the door open for us.
I hung behind as they entered hoping that at that last moment, I could run out and just get away.
"Nick?" someone called from the room.
Johnny was sitting at the small table while David and Mike sat on the bed and looked even bigger than I remembered them. Howie, AJ and Brian sat on the floor while Kevin settled into the small sofa. The only seat left was the other chair at the table.
Johnny shot me an impatient look while I hesitated then headed for the chair.
I felt a tug at my shirt as Kevin pulled me toward him and edged me toward the arm of the sofa.
"Sit down," he said softly.
I wanted to smile at him. I wanted to apologize to him a million times because all he ever did was stick up for me. All I ever did was screw up.
"Well, if you haven’t been filled in on this morning’s activities, let me get you up to speed," Johnny said. "Nick here, has taken to busting out of the hotel unaccompanied."
Mike and David were immediately speaking up about something.
"And," Johnny continued talking over them. "He was doing it with a stranger."
Kevin looked up at me.
I rubbed my face. He always made things sound so bad.
"It was Maggie," I said not looking up.
"That doesn’t make it better," I heard Kev say.
"No, it doesn’t," Johnny said. "I’m glad that you realize that. And for that very reason, I think we need to re-negotiate some of the rules."
General mumbling filled the room.
"Number one," Johnny announced loudly. "No one ever leaves the hotel unaccompanied by security."
The rule used to be we couldn’t unaccompanied by security or a guardian.
"Number two," he continued. "You guys are no longer allowed to leave the hotel unless it’s on business."
The groans began, AJ’s louder than anyone else’s.
"... just because Nick fucked up," he was saying. "That’s not fair."
Kevin sat up and cleared his throat. "You said re-negotiate, Johnny," he reminded him. "That means that we get some say."
"Re-negotiate?" Johnny balked. "I said that? I must have messed up. You guys are confined to the hotels unless we have business to attend to. Is that clear? No tourism trips, no days out with girlfriends or parents, nothing like that."
"You can’t punish us for something that Nick did," Kevin said evenly. "Some of us are adults, and--."
"And all of you have signed contracts. And you didn’t let me get to rule number three. In the event that any of these rules are broken, the first butts on the line are Mike’s and David’s. So in case anyone else decides to pull as fast one, they’ll know who they will be affecting."
I could feel all their eyes on me.
"I have a lot of work to do," Johnny said. "You guys can go."
"Go where?" AJ was mumbling. "... stuck in the damn hotel."
"... have to call my mom and tell her not to come," Howie was saying. "What would be the point?"
David and Mike were shaking their heads and mumbling curses I had never heard.
Brian quietly padded out of the room and out of sight. I felt Kevin’s hand on my back give me a slight push.
"Go," he said. "Go wait in my room, and tell the guys we all need to talk."
"No," Johnny said pulling his briefcase up to the table.
"No what?" Kevin asked. "I haven’t asked you anything yet."
"No, I’m not going to listen. I don’t care what you have to say for him or yourself or anyone. This time, I’m not listening or cutting anyone any breaks."
"You’re being unreasonable," Kev said. "That’s just crazy. Nick’s just a kid. All he wanted to do was go out to an amusement park."
Johnny looked up. "Amusement park? He told me he was going out to eat with that girl. Have you taken to lying too, Nicky?" He shook his head at me.
I returned Johnny’s look and didn’t answer.
Kevin sighed.
"And the answer is still no," Johnny said. "I don’t care what you say, what you’re going to promise this time. I don’t want to hear it. You said you were going to keep the guys in line, and you haven’t Kevin. There’s no point in trying this again. Just go."
I heard Kevin get up from the sofa. I followed him, and Johnny didn’t look up at us at all.
I heard it from the guys back in Kevin’s room. And I guess I couldn’t blame them. I had ruined everything, and I deserved anything they had to say to me. I had no excuses, and that was a good thing. I doubt they would have listened to them anyway.
My bright ideas always turned out this way. It was then that I remembered in that episode of Simpsons, Bart ruined Christmas for everyone by opening the presents without them and starting a fire.

Needless to say, I kept to myself for the next few days, even around Brian. I knew that he hated being cooped up as much as anyone else, even though he seemed to be his regular sunny self. Kevin didn’t say much, but I knew he was disappointed.
There’s this other episode of the Simpsons where Bart kills a bird because Nelson dares him to shoot at it with a B.B. gun. All along, Marge had been forbidding him from hanging around with Nelson, but somehow, he sneaked out. Well, he got caught, and when Marge saw the dead bird, she was very angry. But there came point in the show where Bart asked her if he was going to be punished, and she just told him, "What’s the point?"
That’s the look Kevin was giving me. It was like he was too disappointed to even be angry at me.
So my routine became something like this: wake up, eat, work, eat, work, eat then go straight to bed. The guys were always playing basketball or hitting the weight room or the pool during the few off hours. I know they weren’t exactly wanting me around. Hell, they didn’t even invite me to do anything with them. Besides going to any of those places implied that I’d have to walk across the lobby. And I was still way too embarrassed to face Maggie.
But it wasn’t long before being cut off from civilization began to wear them down.
"... go see U2 in concert," I walked into AJ saying in the rehearsal room one morning. "But no, we can’t. That’s just fucked up."
Howie looked up at me and smiled but not with his eyes. "I know, Bone," he said. "But that’s how it goes."
AJ shook his head. "That’s how it goes when you work with morons, right Nick?" He asked with a big grin on his face.
I dropped my gym bag and sat down to wait for the choreographer and the other guys.
"Sorry, AJ," was all I could say.
He shook his head and half laughed. "Sorry does us a lot good now, Nickolas. Now that we’ve been stuck in this hotel for a week. A week."
I bit my lip and debated whether I should even stay there. AJ tended to be very cruel when he wanted to be.
"Man, there’s this really cool club, just down the block," he continued. "I sit out there on the balcony and watch the people just stream in. I think there’s a modeling agency a little farther down, so imagine the women in that club. Man, what a waste."
Howie sighed. "Well, it wouldn’t matter if he hadn’t threatened us with firing David and Mike. That’s the only reason why I’m even abiding by the new rules."
Bone nodded. "Exactly. If he hadn’t threatened to fire the guys, there would be no reason to stay here. He’s just stupid Johnny. What can he do. Fire us?"
"Probably," Howie said.
They fell silent, but I could see the anxiety crawling through AJ. He was dying to get out. He was fiddling around with his sunglasses and raising his head to look out the big window whenever a passerby cast their shadow, which was often.
Howie looked resigned as he always did. ‘D was good at rolling with the punches, but I knew he was disappointed because his mom couldn’t visit. She had some relatives in Spain and had always wanted to visit.
Feeling guilty was the worst. And it was especially bad when the rest of them weren’t as direct as AJ. At least he was honest enough tell me he thought I was a moron.
When Kevin and Brian entered bickering, I knew that things were going to get bad.
"Well, what do you want me to do, cuz? Snap my fingers and change everything? I can’t," Frick was saying. "I wish I could, but I can’t."
"I expect you to change nothing," Kevin said then lowered his voice when he was us watching them. "But I’m tired of getting blamed for everything that goes wrong around here. I’ve tried to be responsible, but...," he broke off and looked at Brian. "But sometimes, I wish you’d help out."
"A lot of good that’s gonna do now," Brian said not changing his original tone. "Look, this is where we’re stuck. I say, we just deal with it. What else can we do?"
Kevin shook his head and dropped his bag next to Howie. "Forget I said anything," he said.
Frick sat next to me but couldn’t seem to keep still for a second.
"What’s wrong?" I asked.
"What?" he snapped.
I cleared my throat. "What’s wrong? Why are you guys fighting?"
"We’re not fighting. We were just discussing something. Don’t worry about it."
I rubbed my face and wished that somehow I could start the week all over again. Hell, starting the whole tour again would be good too. I would have kept my mouth shut about the amusement park and everything else.
"You guys fighting about me?" I asked as softly as I could because I didn’t want Kevin to hear. "About what I did?"
Brian started biting his nail. "No," he mumbled. "Why’d we do that?"
Brian hardly lied to me. If anything, he just avoided saying unpleasant things to me at all costs.
I bit my lip again.
"I’m sorry," I said. It seemed like that was all that came out of my mouth.
"So you say, bro," Brian said. "But this time, that’s not gonna fix anything. I really hope that you learned something."
I sucked in air and got up.
Once again, I was struck with the dire urge to go home. That was always my solution to everything that went wrong. I wanted to run away, but this time, I didn’t make it as far as the door.
"Sit down, Nick," Kevin drawled.
"I was just--," I began.
"Uh-uh," Kev said. "You’re not doing anything anymore. Just sit down and wait till it’s time to get to work."
"Yeah," AJ said. "Sit down before you hurt yourself, or worse, get us in more trouble."
Howie chuckled and Kevin shook his head.
"Shut up," Brian told them. "Stop talking to him like he’s stupid."
Kevin rolled his eyes, and Howie sighed loudly.
"See?" Kev said. "This is what I’m talking about. You just sit there and defend him like he can do no wrong. I’m sorry, cuz, but someone needs to keep order around here."
Brian started chomping on another finger nail. "Yeah well, you guys don’t have to be rude. He knows he screwed up, and there’s nothing we can do now."
I pressed my eyes shut against their argument. I was the stupidest, most irresponsible person on the face of the Earth. I already knew that. They didn’t have to remind me.
Blissfully, the choreographer showed up, and it was time to get to work. That was the only thing we seemed to do well together.

The silence was probably the worst. When they insulted me directly or indirectly, at least I knew where I stood. But when we piled into the rented van to go out to interviews, TV/radio shows or photo shoots, no one said anything. They all just sat there, noses glued to the windows trying to inhale the city. And I knew that it was all my fault.
Surprise meetings are the worst. Johnny and Lou tended to spring the worst news on us during those surprise meetings. This one wasn’t going to be any different.
"Well, we’ve added another show, guys," Johnny announced. He was sitting up in front with the driver, so he had to turn around to speak to us. Kevin, AJ and Howie were sitting in the row of seats right behind them. Brian and I where in the back. I watching the sunny streets that were full of people who had no idea who we were.
"Another show?" Kevin repeated.
"Yeah. You guys will like this," Johnny said. I could practically hear the smile spreading across his face.
Howie cleared his throat. "Well, we’re already booked pretty tight, aren’t we?"
"Yeah, but you guys are young. You can handle it. And I already told you, you’re going to like it. It’s at a place you always wanted to visit, Nick."
I didn’t look at him and continued to look out at the streets.
"Friday night, we’re performing at the newest amusement park in Europe. The Parque Fiesta Nacional," he said pronouncing it all wrong.
His words were met by general silence.
"What?" Kevin asked.
Frick piped up, "An amusement park?"
"Isn’t that a little...?" Howie began.
"Aren’t we too famous to sing at amusement parks?" AJ spat. "I mean, c’mon!"
"Shit," was all I could mutter.
Johnny looked surprised, "You guys don’t want to play at the park? Nick, I thought you were dying to go there."
I finally looked up at him to recognize the sarcastic, fake smile on his face.
"What about the fans, boys?" Johnny asked. "I thought we did all of this for them? I mean, what’s wrong with amusement parks? You used to perform at them all the time."
"Yeah, when we were nobodies," AJ said.
I saw Kevin give him a look.
"We’ve worked very hard to get where we are," Kevin said in that calm tone. "Don’t you think singing at the park would be taking a step back?"
Johnny chuckled. "What? You guys are too big for amusement parks now? That’s what you’re saying?"
"Every Time I Close My Eyes is number one," Kevin continued. "We’re playing arenas all over Spain, and you want us to go and sing at an amusement park? Does that make sense?"
Johnny dropped his smile. "It make sense. It makes sense because it’s a decision that I have made, and you’re nobody to question it. Plus, I think it’s time we did something Nicky wants to do. And I know he wants to go to this park. Right Nicky?"
They all turned and looked at me, and I turned back to the window.
"Yeah well, Frack," Kevin said. "It looks like you’re finally going to get your way."
And they stayed mad about having to sing at the amusement park. It was just like Johnny to pull something cruel on me like that. I can’t say that I was even surprised. But at the same time, I hadn’t exactly learned how to deal with all his crap either.
I tended to be quiet at interviews but with everything that was going on, I completely clamed up. The reporters sat the interviews tried to engage me in sunny conversations about the tour, my family and the guys, but I had nothing to say. I got countless of looks from Kevin and Howie who would have to take up my slack and make up some excuse for me, like that I was sick.
At that point, even Brian became tired of me.
"Well, you just can’t keep doing that," Brian said one evening as we entered our room after an interview where all I had said was, "Spain is nice because it’s close to the ocean."
"Why not? I have nothing to say."
He tossed his stuff on his bed and looked at me like I’d finally gone crazy. "Nick, because you can’t. This is our job. And I hate to keep harping on this, but you have to take it seriously."
"Like Johnny takes us seriously," I said lying face down on my bed. "Like he even cares who we are."
"Look, I’m not talking about Johnny. I’m talking about what you’re doing. You need to do your part."
"I am doing my part," I said. "I’m singing. I’m dancing. I’m smiling. What else do you want?"
"I want you to care about what’s going on here."
"I care," I said. "It’s Johnny who doesn’t care."
He came around the bed and squatted down to look at me. "This isn’t about Johnny. I think we’ve already decided that this is about us. All of it. Johnny’s a manager, we’re the group."
I closed my eyes against his voice. I just wanted to be home. I desperately wanted to smell my own house and feel safe and wanted with my family.
"Nick?"
"What?" I asked not opening my eyes.
"Nick, quit being such a baby. It’s bad enough that we’re stuck inside twenty-four/seven. You’re not making things any better for anyone by just shutting down and pretending stuff’s not going on."
I didn’t open my eyes. I wanted him to think that I was asleep so that he’d stop and leave me alone. But he was Frick. He was my best friend who never knew when to quit.
"Nick?" he continued. "Hey. You’re not just going to ignore me. I’m not Kevin. I’m not going to give up and go away. Nick?"
I actually turned my face away from him, and I heard him sigh. He seemed to stay there for a long time just watching me or waiting for me to come around.
"Man, you need to really quit," he said in a tone I rarely heard from him. "You need to quit being so selfish and thinking about how you’re affecting everyone else. Haven’t you already done enough?"
That did it. Tears stung at my eyes, and I rolled away over to put my back to him. I pulled up my knees and pushed myself closer to the wall.
I’m not sure when he left my side, but after awhile, I heard him turn on the TV.

"Hi Mom," I said into the phone.
"Nick! What a surprise," she said. "What’s this? It’s your fourth call in three days."
The guys were off at different parts of the hotel trying to break the routine. The Parque show would be that night.
I tried to laugh. "Are you counting?"
"I’m counting because I’m always so happy to hear from you. How are you? What’s new in France?"
"We’re in Spain," I said and rubbed my nose. I was sitting out on the balcony, and the chilly morning breeze made my nose run. "Everything’s fine. What’s new with you?"
She laughed. "Nick. You’re in Spain, in the middle of a tour, and you’re asking me what’s new? Well, Aaron lost another tooth."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
We were both silent as she was probably expecting to start telling her what was new with us.
"What’s BJ doing?" I asked instead.
"Homework," she said. "It seems like she’s always doing her homework. She’s on the Honor Roll again."
"Cool. Tell her congratulations. I’m sure everyone is shocked she’s my sister."
She laughed. "Aren’t you working today?"
"Later. We’re doing at show at this massive amusement park."
"Wow. An amusement park? You love those! I’m sure you guys will have lots of fun. You will get a chance to ride the rides, won’t you? Are you gonna drag Brian on a rollercoaster?"
I cleared my throat. "I think it’s all work today, Mom."
There was another awkward pause, then I heard her sigh.
"Honey, are you okay? Why are you so quiet?"
"I’m fine," I said. "I’m tired, that’s all."
"You’ve still got a good four weeks left, Nick. What’s going on? Is everything really okay? You usually love touring."
I nodded though I was on the phone and cleared my throat to keep my voice from shaking. "I’m just tired," I said again.
I heard her laugh. "Nick, you’re too young to get tired. What are Donna and Johnny doing to you guys? Working you to death."
I tried to laugh so that she wouldn’t keep thinking something was wrong. "No, Mom. I guess I just...Well, I don’t know," I said.
"Don’t worry," she said. "You’ll be home before you know it. And when you are, you’ll be here climbing the walls because you’ll want to be working."
I was about to tell her that I was ready for a break when AJ came out on the balcony.
"Hey, we’re taking off to rehearse at the park in ten minutes. Get ready."
I nodded at him. "I gotta go, Mom."
"Okay honey. Don’t work so hard. And try to have some fun," she said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
"I will. Say hi to everyone for me and tell them that I miss them."
She laughed. "We miss you too, Nick. But keep living your dream, honey. Remember that it won’t always be like this."

The park was beyond packed. And since moment we drove up to the "hidden" entrance, we were mobbed by girls who screamed and held on to the van making it impossible for us to move.
"You guys are gonna have to run for it," Chuck, the driver announced.
"Are you serious?" Kevin asked. "We can’t do that. A riot will break out."
"Look, David and Mike are getting help from park security to clear a path for you guys. Each one of you will get a guard, and you’ll have to run for it. If I keep driving, I’ll run over someone."
The bodies bumped into the sides of the van, and the sounds of shrieks and screams made their way inside. Someone actually banged into us so hard that the van rocked.
Kevin nodded looking out at the mob with concern and fear written all over his face. He turned back to us.
"Guys, we’re going to have to be careful. Hang on to whoever you get and just keep going. We’ll let Nick stay with Mike, and Aje, you go with David. The three of us will take the park security," he said authoritatively.
As usual, Johnny was nowhere to be seen.
I always got Mike because he was the biggest, and sometimes just had to pick me up and run through the crowd with me like I was an over-sized football. Though I was the quietest of the five, it always seemed like I had a tougher time getting through the crowds. We had our drill down, and I even knew to pick up my feet and duck my head when he made a mad dash to safety. David and AJ stayed together for the same reasons. The other guys took their chances with outside security because they didn’t seem to cause as big a ruckus and AJ and me.
It wasn’t long before we heard the whistles of the city cops and park security and a narrow path was cleared from the van exit to the venue door, not more than thirty yards away.
Chuck climbed off the van to the sounds of screams and walked around to open the rear exit. Mike, David and other security had already gathered at the door.
"You guys ready?" Chuck asked opening the door. "Let’s go, Jay. Brian next, then Howie, Kevin and Nick."
That was odd. I usually got to go first just to get it over with. AJ climbed over the seats and lithely jumped out of the van. The crowd exploded in screams, and I saw him raise his hand in a quick wave as he grabbed on to David and ran.
Brian and Howie followed the same way, and Kevin looked back at me.
"You ready?" he asked.
I nodded and positioned myself behind him.
"Don’t screw this up," he said as he jumped down and hurried through the crowd.
Mike was already waiting for me, and the roars grew louder as I stood at the edge of the van.
"Let’s go," Mike ordered. "Hurry it up. C’mon."
The entire throng of people seemed to surge forward, and I winced.
"Nick!" Mike yelled. "What the fuck? Hurry up!"
Chuck yanked at my arm, and I stumbled down with Mike grabbing on to me and pulling me through before I even knew what happened. He squeezed me extra hard as we ran through, probably to get back at me for putting his job in the line.
"Sorry. I’m sorry," I was saying as we entered the venue. "Sorry, Mike."
"Kid, you know better than that," he said. "You know what we have to do. Those people are crazy. And the last thing we need is for anyone to get hurt. Including you and me. "
I looked up at him and nodded. "I’m sorry," I repeated.
He gave me a shove toward the rest of the guys who were way up ahead and heading for the dressing rooms.
"Just be careful, Nick. Please."
The four of them didn’t even glance back my way as I hurried to catch up with them.
"Guys!" I called.
No one looked back.
"Frick!"
And I saw them disappear through the double doors up ahead.
I stopped. That was it.
I looked around because there was no way on Earth I was going to be miserable for another moment. I had screwed up royally by trying to leave with Magdalena, and I knew that. But I didn’t deserve to get left behind and ignored like that either. They acted like being famous never trapped them, like it was a perfectly normal, natural experience. I couldn’t take back what I had done, and I was tired of being punished. It was enough that Johnny treated me worse than crap. I didn’t need them ignoring me as well.
I spotted a door, pulled my cap harder over my head and just hurried out without thinking or hesitating.
Silence.
Strangely enough, I was met by a silent, bright, cool day. Eventually, the happy sounds of birds chirping, voices, rides, laughter and music filled the air. It was almost like had stepped into a new world. I rushed away from the venue and joined the crowds out for a good time.
In Spain, hot dogs aren’t really hot dogs, but they’ll do. And sodas have a different, more sugary flavor to them. But rides are exactly the same: fun, wild, scary and attached to insufferable long lines. I was even tempted to go up to some girl toward the front, pull off my camp and say, "Hi! I’m Nick. Can I cut in?" But until then, I had done a good job of avoiding being recognized.
I wondered what the guys were doing. They were probably pissed, but they were pissed anyway, so what did it matter? I felt really sorry for Mike because his ass was on the line big time, but he should have stuck harder to me. Everybody had a lesson to learn, and mine was to stick up for myself. As much as the guys loved me, eventually, they tired of me.
I had been in the line for like forty-five minutes, and I was near just giving up. I didn’t actually plan to miss the show as much as miss rehearsal and just catch a break. But as time sped by and the line inched up, I became more determined to get on that coaster. I had gotten into too much trouble not to.
"Nick?"
I looked up from the park map I had been studying at the sound of my name. It was Maggie. She was with a little girl who looked just like her and both were wearing shorts and BSB T-shirts.
I smiled. "Hi."
She looked around, her mouth agape. "What?" she lowered her voice and stepped closer to me. "What are you doing? I came here to see you perform today."
"I’m riding the roller coaster. What are you doing? Don’t you work today?"
"I promised my sister I’d bring her. Are you alone?"
I nodded, suddenly feeling proud of myself. "Yeah. I got away from them. They didn’t want to get on the rides," I said wrinkling my nose at her.
"I thought you were mad at me," she said. "You never went to talk to me again."
"I thought you might be mad at me for not coming last week. Something just came up with Johnny, and--."
"It’s okay," she said cutting me off. "I wasn’t mad. I thought I had gotten you in trouble."
"It wasn’t you," I said and glanced up at the seemingly eternal line. "I still have a way to go, don’t I?"
She nodded. "At least an hour. I’m going to come back when it’s not so new."
"Lucky for you. You live here," I told her.
"I wish you did," she said with a grin then looked away.
I had to laugh. I realized then how I couldn’t waste the opportunity to spend time with her and was actually struck with a good idea. "You girls want to go eat something? I don’t think I’m going to get on the rollercoaster today," I said though I was still full from the "hot-dogs."
Maggie looked down at her little twin. "What do you think, Clara? You want to go eat with Nick?"
She must have been six years old. She looked up at me with Maggie’s familiar, enormous clear eyes and smiled. "Nick?"
"Shh," I told her softly. "Not so loud. Are you hungry?"
"Nick," she said again and put a chubby hand out to me.
I stepped over the ropes that confined the line and took her small hand into mine. I squatted down to meet her face to face.
"Sh, you can’t say my name so loud, okay? Okay?"
She smiled and pulled me into a hug. "Nick."
"Sh, Clara!" Maggie scolded and told her something else in Spanish as we moved away from the curious looks some people in line were shooting our way. Even if they had recognized me, I doubted they wanted to give up their spaces in line. But then again...
Clara didn’t let go of my hand as we headed toward the food vendors. I wasn’t hungry, but I had decided to try my luck with this girl. It wasn’t often that happy coincidences happened to me. They were usually bad ones.
Maggie left me alone with her little sister while she went to get food. Clara didn’t speak any English, but she knew each word of every one of our songs. She sang and danced for me animatedly while we waited.
I applauded for her. "Good! You’re really good," I told her. "Maybe you can join the group."
She said something to me in Spanish the only part of which I understood was Brian. So I just smiled at her, and she smiled back.
I ate again, not that it was tough for me. Maggie was funny doting on her little sister like she was a baby.
She looked at me strangely when she caught me watching her push lemonade over a soda at her.
"What?" she asked. "What’s so funny?"
I shrugged. "Funny? Nothing. Am I laughing?"
"Nick, you’re always smiling," she said. "That’s why your my favorite."
I had to smile then, and it turned into a loud laugh. Her favorite.
"Um, so you came to the concert?" I asked leaning toward her.
She nodded. "I know it’s funny because I see you guys at the hotel everyday, but I wanted to come hear the songs. I love the songs," she said.
"Thanks. So, would you like to join us backstage today? I’m allowed to take a guest. And maybe if you’re there as a witness, Johnny and the guys won’t kill me. Well, not right away."
She smiled. "We’d love to. Right Clara?"
Clara looked at us confused, so Maggie had to explain all we had said.
"Brian?" I heard her say again. I was sure by then she was a Frick fan.
"Sure, you can meet Brian," I told her. "And you can meet Kevin, Howie and AJ too."
We spent some time just talking and watching the people. Maggie seemed like a really nice girl. After hanging out with her, I was ready to take all punishment I was going to get. It would be worth it.
We slowly walked back to the small outdoor auditorium where we’d be performing. I could even hear the band warming playing some songs and spotted some of the park security around the entrance.
Maggie stopped to go to the bathroom and once again, left Clara and me alone. I was about to throw away our empty soda cups when I heard a scream. I thought someone had fallen down, gotten hurt or seen something horrible in the haunted space ride, but that wasn’t it. The girl who had screamed was screaming my name.
"Nick! NICK!" she yelled at the top of her lungs like I was an apparition.
Clara looked startled and grabbed on to my hand.
I smiled at the girl to calm her and stop her from screaming.
"Hi. Hi," I said. "It’s okay."
She grabbed on to my waist was saying something in a million miles a second.
"It’s okay," I repeated to her. "Really. It’s okay. Calm down."
She sucked in air and pushed her hair behind her ear. She kept talking to me in Spanish, but I understood nothing.
"Yeah," I was saying. "It’s nice to meet you. What’s your name?"
She kept talking and didn’t even stop to realize that I had asked her something. By then about five other girls had gathered around us with Clara still clutching on my hand and my leg. I did my best to keep smiling, but each time they pushed in closer to me, and that first girl hadn’t stopped babbling.
"Um," I said not even knowing where to begin. "Are you guys going to the concert?"
"Nick...," another girl began talking loudly and pushed the first one out of the way.
The first one grabbed on to my other arm, so I had to hold her steady.
"It’s okay," I said. "Don’t push. It’s okay."
"...autógrafo?"
I know that meant autograph, and at least, it was something that I could do. I took the pen that she was handing me.
"Sure," I said. "What’s your name?"
She ended up having to spell it for me giggling the whole time.
"It was nice to meet you," I said shaking her hand.
She was shoved out of the way, and another girl appeared in front of me. She was way over-excited shoving pictures and a cap at me while she spoke so quickly that I understood nothing.
"...foto?"
Foto meant photo, I also knew that. She wanted a picture.
I nodded and looked around for someone holding a camera.
The girl posing with me stood in front of Clara, and even stepped on her, I think because I heard Clara start to cry out as the picture was taken.
"No, no," I said bending down to her. "Don’t cry. It’s okay. Let me just give them autographs. It’s okay."
But the little girl continued to wail, and when I looked up again the crowd had doubled with slips of paper, papers pens and out-stretched hands being shoved my way. I did my best to sign what I could when we were actually pushed back a few feet. Clara screamed, and I pulled her up into my arms so she wouldn’t get crushed. By then, my struggle became to keep the little girl safe from the growing crowd.
"Hey, don’t push," I told them easily. "It’s okay. Just wait."
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
"Nick! NICK! NICK!"
And Clara’s wail resounded in my ear. She grabbed on to my neck hard and I felt a tug at my back. The throng had encompassed us in a tight circle, and I was paralyzed at that spot.
"Clara!" I heard Maggie shout as she pushed her way through the crowd. They pushed her back, and I saw her use her elbows to get through.
Clara reached for her, and she tried to take me along but only managed to make me stumble.
"Police," Maggie was saying. "Police is coming," she said and she took her sister out of the mess.
I nodded still trying to smile. But quickly lost sight of her as the crowd pushed forward again with me tripping over the people behind me.
The auditorium was so close, and if I ran really fast, maybe I could make it. Someone grabbed on to my arm and dug her nails in.
Ow!
"Nick!"
"Nick!"
I raised my head from the poster I was signing to look up at my haven. I could be there in seconds if the crowd would just let me by.
Someone pushing a magazine at me ended up smacking me with it instead.
They laughed, so I had to laugh too.
Then there were screams, and some sounded like a person in pain while I tried to sign as quickly as I could.
"Nick!" someone yelled and pulled my arm down to kiss me on the cheek.
It was incredibly hot in the middle of the rush of people. It felt like the only thing I was inhaling was hot air. The world had become a tiny circle of faces and shrieks and hands that pulled at me every which way while I fought to keep my balance.
"It’s okay. It’s okay," I kept saying. "It’s okay. Just wait, please. Please?"
I felt a hard tug at my hair.
There was a loud laugh, and once again I was pushed back with the crowd. This time I actually lost my balance enough to fall and brought some people down with me. I almost stayed down there, covering my head if just to get away from the screams when the crowd pushed again sending girls practically trampling me, and each other. I was pulled up and back into the free-for-all only to realize that it had gotten worse. The police was cutting through, blowing whistles and shoving at the crowd. The girls ran for cover and for me more hysterically than ever.
"Nick!"
There was a scream of pain.
Someone yelled for help.
I struggled to stay standing when girls behind me who running away from the cops, sent me face first into the pavement.
Shit.
I was hurrying to get up and run for the auditorium when I felt someone pull me hard and fast. I fought back now just trying to keep my head up and breathe fresh air.
"Cut it out."
It was Mike who had caught me in the football hold. I lifted my feet and ducked my head as he pulled me through to the gate.
He didn’t put me down, and I didn’t open my eyes until we were inside the building. I remember immediately smelling the air-conditioning and being struck by the silence.
"...Nick?"
"C’mon, Nick."
"He was fine, guys. I just dragged him in here a second ago."
I forced my eyes to open only to find more faces. The world hadn’t gotten any bigger. All that seemed to exist in it were a loud noise in my head, a breath stuck in my chest, the wall I seemed to be leaning on and the sound of Kevin’s voice. My heart took such a thud I heard it. My knees shook hard under me, as I felt a shudder of pain in one of them.
Someone shook me. "Nick? C’mon, breathe in and out."
"He’s hyperventilating," another voice said.
"Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay," Kevin said. "Just stop. Relax now. It’s over."
My lip quivered beyond my control, and I forced myself to look at him and listen to the words.
"It’s over," Kevin was saying slowly. "Relax. Breathe, Nick. Breathe."
I stopped a tremulous breath stuck in my throat and let it out slowly. It came out in gasps, and I saw Kevin’s face relax a little.
"It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. Man, you gave us a scare. What is with you? I can’t believe you...," he stopped and looked at me. "Stop looking so scared. It’s okay. Everything’s okay now. You’re inside." He took my cap off my head and pushed my sweaty, matted hair back for me. "You’re fine. It’s okay." He kept searching for my face as he talked to me. I just kept trying to catch my breath.
I had to draw in another breath and concentrate to control it until my chest seemed to remember how to breathe.
Howie stepped away from me, and suddenly everything seemed cooler. Kevin wiped my face for me and I saw his hand come away with blood.
"You got a good scrape there," he said looking at the side of my face. "You hit the pavement pretty hard. ‘D and I saw the whole thing and were running out there when Mike caught on to what was going on and went to get you. That was practically a riot, Nick. Are you all right? You haven’t said a word."
I had to search for my voice and then for the words in my head. Things were barely starting to look normal.
I blinked at him and managed to croak, "Okay. I’m okay."
Howie came back with a bottle of water and a first-aid kit.
Kevin pulled me until I was sitting on a bench. My knee sparked in pain and I had to set it straight in front of me.
Kev sat next to me and got to opening the kit and going through its contents. I was still concentrating on breathing, not even beginning to think about why knee felt like it was throbbing. Howie pushed the small, cool bottle into my hand, and I just held it there. In a second, it wavered so much that ‘D had to take it back.
"You’re shaking, man," he said and rubbed my shoulder. "It’s okay."
"I’m sorry," I said.
I heard Kevin half-laugh, Howie sighed loudly.
"Don’t be sorry," ‘D said easily as he opened the bottle for me. "We’re happy that you’re okay. We thought we’d never see you again."
But the same thought was stuck in my head. "I’m sorry for everything," I said. "For getting us stuck inside, for making Johnny mad, for making us play the dumb park, for being such a baby, for--."
"Sh," Kevin said pulling out a bottle that finally satisfied him. "It’s okay."
"No," I cried feeling the tears pushing their way out. "I’m sorry because all I ever do I screw things up for you. All you ever do is help me and--."
"Nicky stop," Kevin said. "It’s okay. We understand how hard this is for you, sometimes, okay? Hold still, you’re still bleeding."
"But I’m sorry," I repeated as I felt nothing but the tears leaving my eyes when he pressed some liquid onto the side of my face.
My throat hurt from all the pressure in my chest.
Kev shook his head. "Stop being sorry, baby. That doesn’t fix anything."
"Doesn’t it sting?" Howie asked with a wince.
I shook my head.
"Don’t move," Kev said. "You have to stay still." He pushed off some of my tears with his thumb and half laughed. "You’re lucky those girls didn’t rip your clothes off."
Howie laughed, but I could hardly even smile. I was starting to realize that my knee was throbbing because it was bleeding. My sock felt wet, and the blood seeped onto my jeans. I reached down to it only to hurt myself with my touch and to feel something wet.
I flinched.
"What is it?" Howie asked bending over to my knee. "Did you hurt your knee, too?"
Kevin glanced down as ‘D pulled up the baggy leg of my jeans. I looked up to the ceiling afraid of what they were gonna find.
"Shit," Kevin muttered with a hiss.
"Oh man," ‘D said. "You’re a mess."
"Here," I heard Kevin tell Howie. "Put a bunch of this stuff onto this bandage. We have to make sure he doesn’t need stitches."
"Stitches?" I repeated.
Kevin pulled my hand up so that I could hold the compress to my face. "Hold this," he said and sat on the floor to look closely at my knee.
I made myself look down only to see the crimson blood all over my sock and sneaker. The lower part of my leg felt sticky already. I closed my eyes.
"It’s not so bad," Kevin said. "I think you’ll live. It’s just that--."
"Boys, c’mon the band’s ready."
I looked up to find Johnny in the doorway. Fine time for him to show up.
"What on Earth?" he asked approaching us. "Nickolas, what happened to you?"
Kevin muttered something while Howie half laugh.
"I--," I began but had no clue what to say. "I..."
He rolled his eyes. "That was you, wasn’t it? That was the commotion out there, right? Everyone was saying a fight had broken out, but it was you. It figures they would be protecting you. You were out there, and got mobbed, right? Of course you had to sneak out and ruin everything. What were you thinking?"
Kevin looked up at me. "You don’t have to answer that," he said. "Just keep your mouth closed."
"What?" Johnny asked. "What is your problem, Kevin?"
Kev was silent and he cleaned up my knee, and pressed a new compress against the still oozing blood.
"Richardson?" Johnny sighed. "What the hell does it matter? You guys keep pulling the same shit. You know what the consequences are. Mike’s out of here."
"No--!" I began, but Kevin cut me off.
"You’re not firing anyone," he drawled calmly without looking back at Johnny.
I thought fire was going to come out of Johnny’s ears. Kevin might as well have slapped him.
"You have some explaining to do," Johnny said stepping closer to us but using that surreal, atypical lower tone. "Actually, a lot of explaining to do."
"Let me see your face," Kevin told me without reacting to Johnny’s words.
I slowly pulled away the compress as he peered at the side of my head.
"It’s okay," he said seemingly satisfied. "Running around after Brian all these years finally paid off. Your knee’s pretty messed up though, and--."
"Kevin!" Johnny finally hollered taking another step closer. "What the hell is going on?"
"... you might not be able to dance," Kevin finished in the same calm tone.
‘D breathed uneasily and looked at me.
"Hold this," Kevin told Howie and placed his hand over the compress on my knee.
He slowly got to his feet and deliberately took a stance in front of Johnny, hands on hips, chin raised.
"You’re not firing anyone," Kevin said. "And furthermore,--."
"Furthermore what? What? What the hell else could have to say to that? Nothing. You have nothing to say about who I hire and fire," Johnny cried. "You knew, Nick knew the consequences and--."
"They were unfair consequences," Kevin said keeping his voice low. "I think we both knew that from the beginning, and I’m not stupid, Johnny. I know what you’re doing."
Johnny’s eyes bulged. I pushed myself back against the wall afraid that the punches were going to fly, and that they’d somehow land on me. Howie shifted around to watch them and his hand slipped off my knee.
I groaned.
"Sorry," ‘D said with a slight smile. "Sorry."
"And furthermore," Kevin continued. "We’re not abiding by that not-ever leaving-the-hotel rule. It’s ridiculous, and we’re old enough to do as we please within reason. We understand that there are limitations."
Johnny shook his head. "No you don’t. Nick went out, and look at what happened to him. You think we’re going to risk that every time the urge for fresh air strikes? Are you crazy?"
"No," Kevin said. "I’m not crazy. I’m a human being. We are human beings who need to have a life outside of this job. And--."
"You would have one. If Nick wasn’t so stupid."
Kevin crossed his arms over his chest and shifted his weight. I realized for the first time he was a good four inches taller than Johnny. "Nick’s not stupid. He’s a kid. A kid who only wanted to do what kids do. We were the stupid ones for letting you turn us against each other. You punished us for what he did and made us all get mad at him. But it was you who made up the unfair rule. He just did what any one of us would have done after days of being cooped up in a hotel. It’s what you would have done," Kevin glanced back at me. "He got hurt because he was irresponsible. But we were the ones who left him alone to make the choice. And it’s not gonna happen again. You will not manipulate us and pit us against each other again."
Johnny stepped within inches of Kevin who didn’t even move.
"And what is it that you intend to do?" Johnny asked. "How could you possibly stop me?"
"Easily," Kevin said. "We quit."
Silence. I could actually hear the band guys laughing and playing around through the wall.
"What?"
"You heard me," Kevin said. "You pull a stunt like that again, and we’ll quit. You’ll have no paychecks to sign without us around. No kids to push around and manipulate."
"You can’t quit. You’ve signed contracts," Johnny said with an astonished laugh.
Kevin shrugged. "I’d rather you sue me for breach of contract than have my cousin be so sick he can hardly sleep through the night. Or have Nick get left behind in some strange country. Or have him running off and getting hurt when I know I’m the one who’s responsible because you sure as hell aren’t. Besides, how do you think all of this would sit with Nick’s parents? He is under-aged, and I believe you’ve signed papers saying you’d be responsible for his safety. He wasn’t very safe today, so...," Kevin broke off. "So, now you get to make the choice," he glanced back at me and Howie then turned back to Johnny. "What’s it gonna be?"
I think Johnny’s words were actually caught in his throat. I’d never seen that man speechless before.
"I don’t even know what we’re doing at an amusement park anyway," Kevin continued. "I think after selling out entire stadiums in this country, we’re a little beyond this."
Johnny seemed to be trying to find a way to contain himself. I think it was because he knew that Kevin could kick his ass, not that he would. If I was the one arguing with him, he would have exploded full-fury.
"Kevin, the contracts have been signed. What do you want me to do? Pull us out and make us look unreliable?" he asked. "A lot of stadiums we’ll be able to sell out like that."
Kev shrugged. "Well, I think it’s not up to me. Nick hurt his knee pretty bad out there, and I don’t know if he’s up to performing. I think it should be up to him."
No.
I sat up and felt my knee start up again. Howie tried to hold my leg still after I tried to hold back a moan and failed.
"Kev, I don’t--," I began.
"You don’t have to decide right now, Frack," Kevin said. "Johnny here is willing to wait. After all, if it wasn’t for you, he’s the one who wouldn’t have a paycheck."
Howie actually started giggling, and Kevin came back to us at the bench. He started putting away what he hadn’t used from the first-aid kit looking as cool as he ever did. Johnny glared at me, and I’m sure he was mentally cursing the day we were all born, especially me.
"I’m going to talk to Lou about today," Johnny began. "I think he should know about how you feel, Kevin. And if you are to have a voice in these things, he’s the one who has to give it to you. Nick, make up your mind quick, son. I have to let he park know what we’re doing."
I nodded. "Okay. Yeah."
"Oh, he’ll let you know," Kevin said as he shut the kit. "Don’t you worry."
Johnny hurried out to the stage area and left us behind. Howie went into an all out laughing fit.
"That was good, Kev," he said. "You actually scared him."
"Good," Kevin said leaning on his knees. "I’m glad. He needs the fear of God put in him. Who does he think he is?" He looked at me. "How’s your knee?"
"It stings," I admitted.
"Yeah, it should. You had so much adrenaline in your system when you rushed in here that you couldn’t feel a thing," Kev said glancing down at the scarlet bandage. "Think you’ll be up to tonight?"
I nodded. "I’ll be fine, I think. I’ll just take it easy."
"Yeah," he said with a satisfied sigh.
"Frack!"
"Hey!"
We looked up to find Brian and AJ hurrying to us. They looked funny dressed in dark clothes, caps and sunglasses.
"Where’ve you been? How’d you get back here?" Brian asked practically pushing Howie out of his seat to get next to me. Unfortunately, Howie’s hand, which had been keeping pressure on my knee went with him.
"Ow," I croaked.
Brian was inspecting me for damage it seemed like. He went through the scrapes on my face, to the nail marks on my forearm and finally, the still-seeping wound on my knee.
"Keep pressure on it," Kevin said pushing my hand toward my knee and kicking a chair towards me. "And raise it up."
Slowly, I put my leg up and looked at Brian, who actually looked confused.
AJ leaned forward on the chair. "So, what happened?"
I think he to meant me, but I pretended not to know.
"You missed it," Howie chimed in with a smile.
"What? What’d we miss?"
"Kevin scared Johnny," Howie said with smile. "He sent him out of here and running back to Lou."
"You did what?" Brian asked.
Kevin smiled. "It was nothing. I just told him like it was. I already told you guys that things are gonna change around here. They have to."
They all looked at each other funny, and truly, I wasn’t in the mood to investigate.
"Nick?" Brian finally asked. "Are you gonna tell me? What happened to you?"
I shook my head. "It’s a long story."
"You didn’t see?" Kev asked. "Cuz, you missed it. Nicky got mobbed by a bunch of girls."
"Girls did this?" AJ asked inspecting my face and knee. "What were they Amazons?"
We all laughed, and I felt Howie through his arm around me.
"Yeah, but he’s all right now," Howie said. "Right?"
I nodded.

"Nick, you have a guest," Mike called as we finished up a quick late rehearsal before performing at the park.
I limped over to him. "Who?"
"You dog," he said with a smile. "That’s that girl from the hotel, isn’t it?"
"Maggie? She made it over here?"
"I recognized her," he said. "She was asking me if you were okay, and I realized I saw her everyday at the front desk." He elbowed me. "She’s a hottie. She’s by the stage, kid."
I found Maggie and Clara comfortably set up with backstage passes as they had been let in before the crowd.
"Nick, you’re okay?" she asked hurrying up to the stage.
I nodded. "I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I’m sorry," I said for what seemed like the millionth time that week.
I slowly made myself sit on the edge of the stage and first pulled Clara to sit next to me. Maggie followed.
"I was very worried," she said. "I saw how they threw you down. I thought you were really hurt."
"I’m fine," I said touching the bandage on my face. "It’s nothing. I’m glad you came and talked to Mike. He’s very cool."
"He is very nice," she said. "But I was worried about you, that’s why I talked to him. He gave us the passes."
"I know," I said and sighed. "I wish we could have made it on the ride. Maybe some other time?"
"Any time," she said and smiled. "Any time you want."
I was quickly running out of small talk when Clara grabbed on to my arm. I almost jumped thinking we were going to get mobbed again.
"Brian," she said peering over my shoulder.
Frick was strolling across the stage and hadn’t seen us.
"Hey," I called. "Bri, come meet my friends."
He looked surprised. "Sure Nick. What’s up?"
Clara actually held on tighter to me when she saw him come close. She was that excited. I heard Maggie laugh and looked up to catch a smile from her. But Brian can practically work magic with kids. It wasn’t long before Clara was running off somewhere with him, neither understanding what the other was saying.
"I’m glad you came," I said scooting closer to Maggie.
"I am glad too. I want to hear the songs," she said. "All the songs."
"Well, I’ll sing them all for you tonight, how about that? I mean, as long as I can hobble around."
"Okay," she said with a small laugh. "Okay."
I was exhausted by the end of the show. It was funny because Kevin actually told the crowd that I had gotten hurt so not to expect me to dance like everyone else. They cheered to make me feel better, and I ended up dancing anyway. Needless to say, the cut reopened, and Kevin had to help my re-bandage it twice before the end of the show. Maggie and Clara hung out backstage with us until it was time to go.
"We’re not going to have to run, are we? I don’t think I can," I said to AJ as we finished changing back.
He shrugged. "Not sure, bro. I’ll find out. Don’t worry. Kevin got Johnny doing anything for us now. So, I wouldn’t be surprised if Johnny himself carried you out to the van."
"And dump me in the trash can?" I asked. "I don’t think so."
AJ laughed.
It turned out that they figured out a way to get the van right up to the loading entrance so that we wouldn’t even have to worry about getting mobbed. That was a relief because even if I was forced to run, I doubted that I could do it.
Once again, Johnny managed to disappear as we loaded into the van well-past midnight because we waited until the crowd outside thinned out as much as possible.
"Are you gonna tell me what happened?" Brian asked as he pulled me up. "Aje and I were looking everywhere for you."
"In the park?" I asked sitting down next to him.
He nodded. "All over the park. We even...," he trailed off with a smile. "We even got on that ride."
I balked at him. "The roller coaster? My roller coaster?"
He nodded.
"You hate roller coasters," I reminded him. "How’d you even get through the line? It was endless."
"Bone’s charm," Brian said. "And I figured it was a once in a lifetime thing. I’ll never do it again." He rubbed his stomach. "I’m not sure when I’ll be able to eat again."
I leaned back on my seat suddenly so tired that I could’ve fallen asleep right there.
Bri elbowed me. "So what happened?"
I started to tell him as the other guys loaded into the van. Howie and AJ went straight to the back. Kevin stopped next to me.
"You okay?" he asked gently turning my face to look at my scrape.
I nodded. "Fine, Kev. I’m sorry," I said. "I know I made all you guys crazy today."
He looked over at Brian and they shared one of those looks only they understood.
"What?" I asked. "What? You guys aren’t still mad? Are you?"
"Mad?" Kevin asked and squeezed in next to me. "Baby, why would we be mad at you?"
I was at a loss. "Because... because I always screw up everything. I did make Johnny mad and got us stuck inside the hotel."
Kevin shook his head. "Didn’t you hear a single thing I said to him? Did you think I was lying?"
I shook my head.
Brian sat forward. "We got really worried when we couldn’t find you. We thought you’d finally really left and were never gonna come back. It was as bad as when we lost you in Holland. AJ and I looked everywhere in that park. You have no clue."
"But you got on the coaster," I reminded him.
"What?" Kevin asked surprised.
Frick smiled. "We got cuts, and it lasted all of three minutes. But when my stomach settled down, we went back to looking for you. Honest."
"Yeah," Bone said backing him up. "We looked everywhere, Frack. You don’t know how much of that park we covered in that short time."
"And ‘D and I got to talking about a lot things," Kevin said.
I sat up fearing that they were finally going to kick me out of the group.
Howie sat forward. "We realized why you took off, Nick. It’s because you’re always the one stuck. You get stuck alone when we take off with our girlfriends or out to clubs. You get stuck alone doing stuff you like because we don’t like it. And we just wanted to say that we’re really sorry that we were all such jerks to you this week. I mean, if we had actually done things that you wanted to do, then you wouldn’t have had to try to take off on your own, right?"
I was in shock, and cleared my throat to say something but couldn’t think of anything. I just nodded.
"So that’s when I realized that Johnny was playing us against each other," Kevin said with a shrug. "He knows that cherish our time off, and he decided to punish us by ruining that. But he was also smart enough to put the blame on you. In reality Nick, we all share the blame. Sometimes, I forget how much younger you are. And that maybe you like to do things that I don’t. We should have made time to come to the park with you, or we should have stayed home from the club, or something."
I still hadn’t thought of anything to say, so I stayed quiet.
"By the same token," Kevin continued. "You’re going to have to realize that we are older than you. There’s nothing any of us can do about that. So we are allowed to do things that you can’t. That’s just the way it is."
"But we’re willing to do stuff that you want too," AJ said. "I mean, we all usually like the same stupid stuff anyway. But we’ll just do it together more often, okay?"
I nodded. "Okay."
"It’s a promise," Frick said with a laugh. "But you have to promise not to take off anymore."
"I promise," I said and smiled. The gesture pulled on my healing scrape, and it hurt. "Ouch."
"’I promise. Ouch’? What kind of promise is that?" Aje asked with a laugh.
For the first time, felt like they were really my brothers. It was easy to be someone’s friend when things were easy. But to be someone’s brother, one had to make it through the bad times to actually get to the good. And that held true especially for panics like mine.
That’s what family actually meant, even Bart learned that in the episode where he killed the bird. He ended up finding the dead bird’s eggs and helping them hatch. When Marge caught on to what he was doing, she was so touched that she helped him. The catch was that they weren’t even the bird’s eggs. Out hatched carnivorous flying lizards.
I leaned back and closed my eyes as I felt more tired and heavier than I had the whole tour.

 It was a pretty crappy way to start the new year. On second thought, for somebody who spends no time in a bar or a club, to be standing way in the back of a nightclub packed with drunken idiots, was probably the worst way to start the new year.
"Oh c'mon," said Howie. "Go ask someone to dance."
"Who 'D?" I asked. "The one fat chick in the back who can still keep her balance? Why do you come to these places, anyway?"
He glanced at his shoes then shrugged. "To relax. To meet girls, you know?"
I had to shrug as well. "No. I don't know. I usually don't have to come to these places to meet girls, and I'm not old enough to drink. Plus, that doesn't even relax me anyway. So, why the hell am I even here?"
"So, I guess having your birthday party here this year is out of the question, huh Frack?" he asked with a bit of sarcasm in his voice.
I shrugged. "I'll go wherever you guys want. It's not like...," I stopped since I didn't want to start talking about Sandy again anyway.
"It's not like we can have it at Chuck E. Cheese, or how about Disneyworld?" he asked.
I was back to looking into the crowd. Here I was, New Years Eve, on the verge of the beginning of a new millennium, in one of South Beach's most exclusive clubs, and I couldn't bring myself to enjoy it. There were too many things on my mind. I was wondering where Sandy could be and how she could let so much time go by without saying a word to me. It had been more than a week and a half. Plus, these people were all way older than me, not to mention way drunker than I ever wanted to be. From the looks of some of them, alcohol wasn't the only thing affecting their behavior.
A tall girl with thick, long brown hair was smiling at Howie from the other side of the bar.
"Well, bro'," began his swan song. "This is where I leave you for now. But, give this place a chance. When I came here with Kev last month, we had a blast. I'm sure you'll meet someone nice."
I nodded. "Sure. Yeah. Listen, maybe I'll go home early."
He stopped in mid-step toward the brunette and turned to me. "No. Really? Listen, stick around. We never do anything together, and I thought it would be cool for us to ring in the millennium."
"It's just that I'm tired. I had a long drive over here, and this really isn't my kind of place, 'D."
"Okay. Look, I'll stay here with you. I won't ask her to dance--."
I stopped him right there. "No. Go Howie, really. I just suck at these places, you have no idea."
He stepped back to my side and seemed firmly glued there. "No. Look, I told you that we'd celebrate New Year's Eve together, and that's what we're going to do. I can come here any time and pick up girls. Want a drink?"
"I can't--."
"Oh shut up, they don't check ID's. Besides, you're Nick Carter, what are they gonna do, give you a Shirley Temple?"
I followed him to the bar where a gorgeous blonde girl in leather pants and a halter top was making drinks.
"Hi Howie!" she greeted leaning over the bar to kiss him on the cheek. "What's up? Happy New Year!"
"Hi Kim. Happy New Year. What do you recommend for ringing in the New Year with high spirits?"
She smiled at him. "I'll make you guys something special."
"Thanks!" he said with a huge smile on his face. Then he winked at her while she mixed something in a blender.
I couldn't believe he got such a rush from flirting with these women who just talked to him because he was famous. But Howie seemed to enjoy, more than anyone else, that being in the band had it's perks, especially around tall, attractive women who probably wouldn't look twice at him otherwise.
She came back with two bright green drinks that had chunks of pineapple sticking out from the side.
"Now, that does not look manly at all."
We both looked up to find Kevin standing next to us at the bar.
"Kevin!" Howie greeted giving him a quick hug. "Thought you weren't going to make it."
"I had to pick up Brian," he said. "Hey Nick."
"Hey Kev. Where's Bri? I didn't know you guys were coming."
"The bathroom. I'm surprised you're even here. I thought you hated coming to clubs."
I shrugged. "I thought I'd make an exception on New Year's Eve."
"He was getting ready to leave," Howie said. "Listen, those girls from last time are here again. The models that we met, remember?"
Kev nodded and leaned into the bar. "I'll have a Bud-light," he said to Kim.
I looked at Howie. "Is that what manly men drink?"
He chuckled. "Yeah, that's why he has hair on his--."
Kevin turned around and gave us both a look. "I can hear you, Howie."
I sipped my drink and almost turned my face inside out. Howie and Kevin laughed at me.
"This is gross," I told them fishing the pineapple out of the liquid. Well, at least I wouldn't be hungry.
"Why'd you guys decide to come after all?" Howie asked.
"Well, Leigh Anne's working over the holidays, so Bri’s staying with me, and I wasn't really up for kissing him or Quincy at midnight. I called Bone and left him a message. Maybe he'll show up too."
Bone and Julie had gotten into a huge fight after the European tour. She had promised to make his life hell and write a real tell-all book about what life as a Backstreet Boy's girlfriend was like. AJ had told her to go to hell, but I knew he was miserable. He really loved her. For all his coolness, AJ was really happiest when he was in love.
"Hey, the gang's all here," Brian greeted finally showing up. He grabbed me and hugged me. "Hi Frack. Didn't think Howie could talk you into this."
I handed him the green drink. "Neither did I, but here I am. Why didn't you tell me Leigh Anne was working this weekend? We could have had a party at my house or something instead of coming here where we don't even know anyone."
"Correction," Kevin said. "You don't even know anyone. But there's a remedy to that. Our friends usually have friends, and they're usually pretty cute--."
"Kevin--," I tried to start talking.
"Nick. Listen, I know this whole Sandy break up thing is still fresh, and that maybe you harbor some hope that she'll come around. But she's not here tonight, and you deserve to have a good time. Just get something else to drink and ask one of these girls to dance. It's not that hard."
I looked at Brian.
"What he said," Brian said. "Just give it chance, man. You've got nothing to lose." He sipped the drink. "This tastes like crap. Who on Earth told you to order this? What is it? Piss and club soda?"
Kim cleared her throat from behind us. "I invented that drink," she said. "It's vodka and margarita mix with a bit of tequila. It's a house favorite."
Everyone laughed, but Brian set the glass in front of her. "Well, it's not that good. Why don't you get us two beers? Bud-lights?" he asked with a smile.
She eyed him and snatched up the glass. "Your friends are rude, Howie," she said and walked away.
"Well, your drinks suck," Brian said mocking her.
I pulled him away from the bar. "You don't have to be so mean to her."
"It's fine man, don't worry."
Five minutes after she set our beers down so hard that they foamed up the neck of the bottles, AJ walked in.
"Boys," he said with nod and settled into the stool next to mine.
Kevin and Howie said hello then eyed each other while Brian leaned over me. He was obviously still not up to being his sunny self.
"Hey Boner. What's up? Did you have a--?" Brian started.
AJ turned and gave me slap on the shoulder. "Get me a beer, yeah? Budwieser."
"Sure," I said and turned to try to get Kim's attention. Since the green drink incident she had been ignoring us. She'd even stopped making small talk with Howie. Now, she was off in the opposite corner of the bar talking to a bartender who looked a lot like Kevin. But then again, I noticed that many of the guys milling around the club looked like Kevin. I guess his look was in.
I leaned over as far as I could and tried to wave her down. It was then that I noticed a familiar face through the crowd.
"Sandy?"
"No, Budwieser," AJ repeated. "Just a beer, okay?"
"Huh? No, I know. Let me go to another bar because she's ignoring us, now. I'll be right back," I said, not waiting for an answer.
Brian immediately took my seat and started talking to AJ.
I picked my way through the crowd. A couple of heads turned in recognition when I passed them up. But I was looking for a tall, wide-eyed girl with long, blond hair.
I made it as far as the dance floor when I spotted her talking to a tall, dark, guy who was dressed all in black. She kissed him on the cheek and disappeared into the bathroom. I hurried over there and stood closer to the door than the guy. He had taken to watching the crowded dance floor, craning his neck occasionally as if he recognized some of the people.
Sandy stepped out of the bathroom and I stood in her way.
"Nick," she said looking up at me. "Hey. What a surprise. I thought you didn't--."
"You know I hate clubs. I just came here because the guys wanted to. What are you doing here? I thought that you were spending New Year's Eve with your family. Don't you guys have some big celebration every year?"
She shrugged. "Yeah, well, I decided that I wanted to party tonight. It's the end of century, Nick. I mean, if you even want to party, then everyone must deserve to party."
She watched my face closely then. I think she was sizing me up, looking for anger, jealousy or worry. I felt all of them but tried desperately to conceal it.
"So, did you want to talk to me about something?" she asked. "Derek's waiting for me, and--."
I took a deep breath. "How can you do this? I thought that we hadn't really broken up yet. I thought we were just on a break."
She gave me a small smile. "This is what people do on a break. Haven't you ever watched Friends? When Ross and Rachel are on a break, he--."
"I know what he does. But I wasn't going to do that. I was just going to sit back and think about what was going on with us. I thought that's what you were going to do."
She looked over my shoulder at Derek, and I stepped closer to block her view.
"Nick," she said touching my arm. "I think I'm going to need more than a break this time, okay? You have an impossible work schedule, and I hate being lonely. Why can't you understand that? It's worthless for us to be together if we can never see each other. Just let it go. You'll find someone else. You always do, and maybe she--."
I didn't want to hear anymore. I just walked away. I hurried back to the guys who were busy talking to each other. I'd left my jacket on my stool, and Brian was sitting on it, so I started pulling it out from under him.
"What? Hey!" he protested trying to regain his balance.
"Sorry. I'm going home," I said when I finally got it out. "You guys have a happy New Year. See you in February."
I started with AJ and gave them each a quick hug. Kevin, who was last, didn't let me go.
"What? You can't leave. It's barely 10:30, and what are you gonna do? Drive out there when traffic's a mess at midnight? C'mon Nick, stay," he said. "You have to admit that the five of us have never done this. Let's stay at the bar and drink. It's no big deal. It might even be fun."
"I can't," I said trying to pull away from him. "I really need to go home, Kev. You don't get it. I have to--."
His arm eased up on me, and I turned. Sandy and Derek were walking right in front of us. They were holding hands.
"Shit," I heard Brian say.
Kevin patted my back.
AJ chuckled. "Typical. Why is this so typical of women?"
"I don't know," Howie said. "But it is, and really guys, there's nothing we can do about it. That's how they are. If we were five college guys who hung out together, we'd be getting treated the same way. If we were mechanics, we'd be getting treated the same way. It doesn't really matter who we are."
"As long as they keep treating us like shit," AJ said then turned to me. "Sorry, kid. That's how the cookie crumbles."
I shrugged and tried not to seem too affected. "We're on a break."
Kevin's hand was still on my shoulder. He gave me a tight squeeze. "Yeah. Well, you consider making this break permanent, Frack. How many times has she already pulled this on you, anyway?"
"I'm out in a bar--," I began.
AJ laughed. "Yeah, but you're with us. And unless you and Brian have been lying to us all this time, you have zero to nil chances of getting laid."
Brian shrugged, and they had a good laugh at that one.
But all I could hear was what AJ hadn't said. Sandy's chances of getting laid were one hundred percent.
"Let's get a drink," Brian said. "C'mon Frack, have a drink with us. It'll be fun."
"What? Are you gonna magically make them appear?" I asked. "Kim isn’t exactly speaking to us anymore."
"I made nice with Kim," AJ said with grin. "What do you want?"
"A coke," I said.
"Bud-light," Brian told him. "Get us both Bud-lights."
"Us too," Kevin said.
And that was just the first round. I'm not sure how many beers followed the first. The guys were hurrying me up and making me drink so quickly that I lost count. It wasn't long before the loud, fevered-beat, techno music seemed even louder. And everything that the guys said was even funnier, even Howie's jokes.
"What would happen if the world turned into a huge cube?" he asked.
"It wouldn't be round anymore?" offered Bri.
"No," Howie said. "We'd all be Cubans."
I think only Kevin half-laughed at that.
We ended up crowded around the bar going down memory lane and laughing harder than we had a long time.
"Remember when I fell off the stage?" AJ asked.
I laughed. "Which time?"
"In Barcelona. The time that the security guards didn't even know who we were. They didn't recognize me--."
"And they kept pushing you off the stage," Howie said with a laugh.
"Oh yeah! Poor AJ was struggling to climb back up on the stage, and they'd just push him off," Brian said. "Didn't you have to go get him, Kev?"
Kevin nodded. "Yeah, I had to tell those assholes a thing or two. Weren't you all scraped up afterward?"
AJ nodded. "But I didn't fall off the stage after that. Isn't it funny how you learn?"
"Remember when the bus left Nicky," Howie said. "We were what? In France?"
"Holland," I told him. "I remember clearly being in some tiny town in Holland panicked and crying my eyes out because I didn't know what I'd do."
"Yeah, but Johnny was trying to teach you a lesson ‘cause of that time you hid on the bus, remember?" Kevin asked.
"Oh yeah!" I said when Brian shot me a confused look. "Remember once I hid in the bathroom and made us all run late because everyone was looking for me?"
He finally nodded. "Yeah, and he just yelled up and down at you for getting us off schedule."
"So, when we were in Holland, he thought you were just hiding in the bathroom again," Kevin said.
Brian shook his head. "Sure he did. How'd you get back, again?"
"I met this guy named Sven, and he took me to a phone and showed me how to use those stupid phone cards," I said. "I called Johnny's cell."
"What else did Sven show you?" AJ asked with a laugh. "Wasn't he this huge muscle-bound, body builder guy?"
I nodded. "He drove me all the way to the next town because you guys were such asses and left me behind."
"You were off schedule, baby," Kevin said. "And I bet that you were never off schedule again."
I nodded. "Never again. I remember how Johnny dragged me off his car and went through my pockets to make sure he hadn't planted anything on me. Then he had this long talk with me about what had happened and what could have happened with Sven. Like he really cared."
"If he had cared, he wouldn't have left you," Brian said, seriously. "He would have made sure you were on the bus. You were what? Fifteen?"
"Fourteen. Fourteen and away from home for the first time," I said. "Isn't that when you took to counting heads, Kev?"
He sipped his beer and nodded. "Yeah. I figured if they weren't going to be responsible for us, I'd better be. I mean, if anything had happened to you, I don't know how we would have explained it to your family. Plus, I think that's when it dawned on me that we had better start taking care of each other."
We fell silent as I looked up at them. They were honestly my brothers. I don't know how many times I had said that, but I was always sincere.
"Well, that got all gloomy," Howie said. "Another round."
AJ got up and leaned into the bar. "Kimmy! Another round."
"Shots?" she asked.
"No, four Bud-lights and a Budwieser," then he looked hopefully at Kevin. "Shots?"
I was shaking my head, but AJ was already talking to Kim.
"You okay?" Brian asked.
I nodded. "Fine. I'm starting to feel hot, though."
Kevin chuckled. "You can stay at my place tonight, so relax. It's just the beer."
They gave me a shot of something that tasted like mouthwash then laughed hysterically at me when my face contorted, and I almost spit it out.
"Drink it," Brian said. "Drink it, Frack."
I swallowed hard, and automatically, my stomach got hotter.
"Oh God," I laughed. "That tasted awful. Oh God."
The guys did their shots expertly, without even twisting a grin. The four of them set their glasses on the bar.
Kim smiled at AJ. "One more?"
"Hit me baby. One. More. Time," AJ said.
"No, not me--," I began.
But they all drowned me out with their no's.
This time, we drank the shots together.
"Here's to another great year together, guys. Let's hope the new one is as good but not as hard," Kevin said.
We all touched glasses and drank back the shot. It went down much more easily this time.
Oh God.
Everything looked fuzzier and funnier. I rubbed my eyes and squinted to try to make things clearer, but it didn't work. When I looked up at them, they were laughing.
Brian took my arm. "C'mon man, I have to piss. Then we can find some girls to dance with."
I nodded. "Okay."
I peed for a really long time. Brian was giggling the whole time which made me giggle too. We must have looked like idiots, standing there laughing and peeing.
"Okay," Brian said as we walked back into the club. "The secret to holding your alcohol is taking deep breaths, like this." He sucked in air then let it out like Richard Simmons. "It's all you have to do. Then you don't feel as drunk 'cause you don't let the alcohol muddle your brain."
I nodded and took a deep breath and held it.
Brian laughed. "But let it out Frack! Let it out! You're going to suffocate."
I spit out the air while Brian laughed.
"It's okay," he said. "It's okay. You're brain's already muddled. Just relax and enjoy it. Who do you feel like dancing with?"
I looked around at the same crowd that I had easily rejected little more than an hour ago. It hadn't changed at all.
"Whoever Brian, but I really need to move, okay?"
He nodded. "Yeah, okay. Okay."
He picked two girls who easily went to dance with us. I got the short one, and he got the tall one. I could hardly look down at mine because looking down made me dizzy. She must have thought that I was really stuck up. I didn't care. All that I cared about was that moving helped to conceal the fact that I was dizzy and about ready to fall over.
At one point, someone on the dance floor pushed me. I grabbed on to my dance partner for balance. She struggled to keep us standing and pushed me off.
"Hey!" she protested.
"Sorry," I told her. "Sorry."
My head spun, and I struggled to open my eyes.
"Nice meeting you," I heard Brian saying in his drawl. "We have to, uh, go. Nick!?!"
I forced my eyes open.
He was tugging at my arm. "C'mon, Frack. Let's go. Let's go."
"Why are you in such a hurry?" I asked. "It's not like--."
He was dragging me off the dance floor, but I spotted what he was trying to hide from me. Sandy and Derek were dancing very close to each other. They were kissing.
Brian gave me hard pull. I jerked forward and almost fell.
"Sorry, sorry," he was saying as he pulled me through the crowd. "I just didn't want you to see them like that. Look, forget about it. Forget about her. She's not as interested in you as she is in your money. Once she got her recording contract, she changed. You told me so yourself. Why would you even want anyone like that? Huh? Frack?"
I shook my head. "I don't... I...," but there wasn't anything that I could say.
The guys were still at the bar when we got back. AJ and Kim were having some intense conversation while standing centimeters away from each other's faces. Kevin and Howie were talking to two tall, dark-haired girls who didn't seem to smile.
Brian pushed me into Kev.
"What?" Kevin asked looking up at me. "Oh shit. Oh shit, you're really messed up. Sit down." He said settling me onto his stool.
"This was your bright idea, cuz," Brian said. "Look at him. He can hardly open his eyes."
Kevin laughed. "Stop it Brian. He's okay. He's just drunk. It's not like--."
One of the two girls finally laughed softly and bent over to look at me. "Oh, poor baby. What did you guys give him?"
"Avalanches," Kev said. "He's fine. Aren't you fine, Frack?"
I nodded, then shook my head, then nodded again.
Everything sounded like I was in a tunnel.
"How many?" she asked.
"Three," Kevin told her. "He's okay."
"Three?" I asked not remembering when I had drank the third.
"Well, you'd better be careful. My friend had three or four of those one night, and she ended up in the hospital getting her stomach pumped. And she drinks a lot."
The voices whirled above me, but only the image in my head remained the same. Sandy was kissing that guy.
"We're on a break," I said. "We are on a break."
"Huh?" Howie asked. "You okay?"
I turned to him. His funny face looking funnier than usual.
"We were on a break. If she kisses anyone else, then that's fine," I said. "I'll just make her use lots of mouthwash when she comes back to me. Because she will come back to me. She always does."
Howie tried to smile. "Nicky. Nicky think. She's kissing someone else. That means that she's unfaithful, and--."
"Shut up, Howie. He has no idea what you're saying," Kevin boomed from above us.
"No," Howie said and pulled my face up to make me look at him. "Think Nick. That woman is no longer your girlfriend, and that's okay. You are young, famous and rich. Have you any idea how many girlfriends you could have? Girls who might have some kind of interest in you and not in your--."
Kevin pushed his hands off me. "'D stop. You're not making this better."
I looked up at Kevin, my throat suddenly tightening with sadness and helplessness.
"We're on a break, Kev," I heard myself say. "Lots of couples take breaks."
"Yeah, they do Frack. It's okay," Kev said. "It's okay."
But it wasn't okay. I suddenly felt like the biggest idiot in the whole world. My stomach sank hard, and I felt my temperature flash hot then cold.
"Here," Brian said appearing in front of me with a glass of water. "Drink this. Drink it."
I reached for the glass, but Kevin grabbed it some of it spilled and sprinkled my face. "Don't give him water. It's not going to help him now. It'll just make him feel worse."
I wiped my face.
"Then we're leaving. Help me get him out of here," Brian said.
"You're not leaving. You still have plenty of alcohol in your system, and you can't drive. Just stay," Kevin said. "I'm not drinking anymore, and we'll leave as soon I sober up. Okay?" He bent over and peered into my face. "I forgot that you don't drink, buddy. I'm sorry."
He pushed a drop of water off my cheek with his thumb.
"It's okay," I said then closed my eyes.
The noise was still there, but at least, the visions were gone.
"Open your eyes. Open them," Kevin was demanding. "Don't go to sleep. You can't sleep."
I followed his voice and leaned my head on him. I could smell his leather jacket, his cologne and beer. His hand was on the back of my head.
He let go and shook me hard. "Nick. Open your eyes. You can't sleep this drunk, okay, buddy? You can't. Open your eyes."
I struggled to open my heavy lids. The girls were gone, and we were the only ones left at the bar just like the beginning of the night.
Brian looked scared. "Don't close your eyes anymore, Frack. Let's go walk around."
AJ took the glass of water and pulled out an ice cube. "Chew on that," he said. "Man, you're a mess."
He stuck the ice cube in my mouth, and I think I tired to bite it, then it just sat on my tongue. Each time I bit the ice, the room got darker.
Kevin pulled me up to my feet. "No sleeping," he said. "Stay awake. God, we're never doing this again."
"My birthday's coming up," I said. "We have to go out again. Sandy and I were going to go to Puerto Rico. I don't want to celebrate by myself."
"You won't be by yourself," AJ said. "We'll do something that you might actually enjoy doing like sailing or scuba diving, okay? Kevin just means that we're not getting you drunk anymore."
I nodded. "Oh. Okay."

Kevin drove my truck to a house he had about an hour outside of South Beach. I was leaning on the window half asleep. I couldn't fall completely asleep because he kept nudging me and telling me to stay awake. Brian was following us in Kevin's truck.
"And for you folks who are at home, or on the road this New Year's Eve, let me inform you that we're twenty seconds away from the new millennium. Brace yourselves for the count down, and maybe for the end of the world," the woman on the radio said then chuckled. "Everyone ready? Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Happy New Year! It's the year two thousand. Hope you all have a good one."
Larger than Life started on the radio. Kevin rubbed my shoulder.
"Happy New Year, Nick."
"Happy birthday, Kev."
He chuckled. "Sorry it sucked so bad. What are you gonna do about Sandy?"
"Nothing. She's made her choice," I said. "She said that she couldn't live with my schedule. Sorry you got stuck baby sitting me."
He sighed. "It serves us right for getting you drunk. But Howie's right you know?"
"About what?"
"Women are going to treat you badly no matter who you are. So, the key lies in finding the right one. And not giving your whole heart right away. It takes time to get to know someone. Our problem is that we don't have the luxury of time. But you'll find someone," he said confidently. "We all will."
I nodded and closed my eyes.
"-awake!" he was telling me immediately yanking at my arm. "Stay awake. Baby, you have enough alcohol in your system to make you very sick. Stay awake, or I'll pull over and make you throw up."
I nodded and sat up. "Yeah, okay Kev. Sorry."
The lights on the highway blurred before me but not because I was drunk. He never should have mentioned Sandy. I rubbed my eyes quickly and tried to think about something else, but it was hard. Instead I just gave in to my tiredness and closed my eyes again.
"-of the middle of the road, Brian!" Kevin was yelling. "Don't open the door! He's going to fall out! Brian!" Kevin grabbed on to my arm.
But my passenger door swung open. I squinted at Brian who was looking scared.
"What?" I asked sitting up. "What?"
Kevin swatted at me. "You fell asleep. I told you not to fall asleep. You were out for a solid five minutes. I couldn't get you to wake up."
"He even honked the horn," Brian said.
I looked at Bri then at Kevin. I rubbed my face and closed my eyes. My head felt heavier than even before.
"Scoot," Brian ordered. "Scoot over." He climbed into my seat practically on top of me.
"My truck," Kevin began.
"We can get your truck tomorrow. I'm going to keep him awake. Drive, Kevin."
I moved over as far as I could, but there was no way that we fit into the seat.
"I'm okay," I told him as Kevin started the truck again. "Nothing's going to happen."
"Nothing's going to happen if you stay awake," Brian said settling in. "We shouldn't have let you drink that much. You'd better start talking right now so I know that you're awake."
"What do you want me to talk about?" I asked feeling his elbow in my ribs.
"Whatever. The beach. The tour. I don't care. Do you have any New Year's resolutions?"
I had to think, and it's hard to think when your brain feels like it's drowning.
He nudged me.
"I'm thinking," I told him. "I guess it's to be happy. You?"
"That's a good resolution. I want to stop eating so much junk food because it's so bad for you. I want to get all buff like Kevin, so that I get to be sexiest pop star next year. What do you think?"
Kevin laughed.
"I think it's great," I said.
"Well, how do you plan on being happier?" Kevin asked.
I shrugged and tried to get comfortable in spite of being squashed in my own truck. "I don't know. I guess start settling this mess with Sandy. And just get over her. I don't think I'm really going to be happy until I figure out what she really means to me."
They were quiet after that.
I leaned my head on Brian because the sadness had returned. And for some reason, still unknown to me, I always felt way more vulnerable around him than around anyone else. So, this time, I closed my eyes against the tears that I had been fighting all night long. She was really gone, and there was nothing that I could do.
"It's okay," Brian said pulling closer to him. "You know, everyone gets heartbroken. AJ says it's good for the soul."
"AJ's full of shit," I sobbed. "This hurts too damn much."
"I know, buddy," Brian said. "But it's a lesson that everyone has to learn. Like when you learned to stay on schedule."
"And not to listen to us and get drunk," Kevin said.
"I already knew that," I said more softly than I had intended.
I heard Brian sigh. "We're almost there. Just stay awake for me a little longer, okay?"
I sniffled. "Okay."

I spent a couple of days with them in Miami because I wasn't ready to go sit at home alone. AJ would be having his birthday concert, so we'd all be back in Orlando by the following week anyway. But I must admit that I enjoyed playing golf and hanging around with Kevin and Brian. I think they were still feeling intensely guilty about getting me drunk. They kept me very busy, if only to keep me from thinking about Sandy. I was nothing but grateful, but I knew that eventually, I'd have to confront my time alone.
That time alone began with my four hour drive back to Tampa. I filled up my CD player with music that wasn't too conducive to thinking and started back home early Monday morning.
"Call when you get there," Kevin said.
"And don't talk to strangers or pick up hitch-hikers or guys named Sven," Brian said.
I nodded at him. "Yes Brian. And thanks you guys. Take care."
"Yeah take care. See you on Bone's birthday?" Bri asked.
"Of course. Bye."
"Bye."
I drove and sang my way through three "Best of the 80's" CD's. By the time I was halfway home, I was out of non-thinking music and Lenny Kravitz came on. The songs reminded me so much of Sandy that I had to pull over and load more eighties CD's. What was it with that decade that made people like and write silly music?
I made it home in less than the four hours, and thankfully so. The skies were darkening and the gulf waters were speeding up, sure signs of winter storm.
I checked my mail, my email and went through my mostly empty refrigerator for food when I remembered to call Kev and Brian.
I clicked on the answering machine.
"You have eight messages," said the electronic voice.
First two were from my mom. She wanted to see how New Year's Eve had gone. I knew she was checking up on me because of Sandy. She wanted to make sure the break was still on. Well, I'd have good news for her. The next one was a bunch of silence. The machine beeped again.
"Nick, it's me," Sandy's voice announced. "I just called to make sure that you were okay. I saw the guys dragging you out of the club last night. Just call and let me know that you're all right."
"Yeah right," I muttered.
The machine beeped again.
"Nick it's me," she said again. "Listen, you're really starting to worry me. Why haven't you called? Are you screening your calls? I just want to talk. Call me. Please. Please talk to me."
I sighed and the next message came on.
"Nick it's me," she repeated. "Listen, please--."
I clicked the forward button.
"Nick it's me--."
Didn't she get tired of saying that? I pushed forward again.
There was the silence again, then I heard her sigh.
"Okay. I guess you don't want to talk. Just know that I still care. I really, really do. Even if you've been such a jerk to me always abandoning me, I care. I care about you so much, and it hurts me to think that we're not together anymore. But sometimes, it hurts when we are together, so what's the point, right? I guess I mean shit to you, but I understand. You're famous and rich and gorgeous. I'm just some dumb girl who got lucky when she met you. I'm sorry that I even did meet you."
Finally, she hung up.
I took a deep breath and tried really hard to refocus. We had been through the same ordeal many times. She broke up with me whenever she was feeling neglected. With my schedule, that meant every couple of months. The break ups made my life really crazy because in spite of what she said I really loved her. She was the first real girlfriend that I had ever had. I had never taken anyone else on tour with me or even asked them just be mine. So, her dumping me always made me feel like crap, and that always made the guys crazy. I would end up doing crazy things just to get her back and making promises that I knew I couldn't keep. It got so that I felt like her puppet, and I told her that I needed a break to reevaluate our situation. She had agreed with a smile that I still remember clearly. That was the Wednesday before Christmas. A week and a half later, she was out with Derek for New Year's Eve. How sincere could her concern for me really be?
The phone rang.
"Hello?"
"I told you to call when you got home," Brian scolded. "What? You're just sitting there worrying me needlessly."
"Sorry Brian," I began. "I was just listening to my phone messages. I actually just walked in. I was going to call you."
"Yeah, sure. Okay, but you're home. You okay? Everything okay at home?"
"Yes, everything's cool," I said purposely avoiding any mention of Sandy. "You guys all right?"
"Yeah. I'm going up to New York tomorrow to stay with Leigh Anne until Bone's thing. So, call me there if you need anything. And Kevin's going back to Orlando tomorrow too, so now you know where he is. Just in case--."
"Brian, I'm fine. Everything's fine. I'll probably just hang out here and play with my dogs. Which reminds me that I have to pick them up before the storm hits. Maybe, I'll go to California after Bone's thing, but I'm fine. Everything's fine."
"Okay," he said seemingly satisfied. "That's cool. Take care of yourself over there. And call me, okay?"
"Okay, I will. Bye Brian."
"Bye Frack."
The storm passed me up that night, and all we got a was a little rain. I got to spend the night on the back porch watching the stars. My dogs slept comfortably inside, but I decided to camp out in the moist air, if just not to be cooped up. Besides, I hadn't gotten a beach house to spend all my time indoors. It struck me then that the reason people drank was to feel outside themselves and not deal with what was directly in front of them. They should try spending the night on the beach. The heavens were full of so many stars and the water sang so many songs that no one could feel bad about anything, not even me.

A couple of days later, Howie called me.
"For dinner?" I found myself repeating.
"Yeah, man. For dinner. C'mon, it'll be fun," Howie said.
"But," I began trying to think of why he would even do such a thing.
"But nothing. You are sitting there alone, or with those dogs, and have you even eaten? I mean besides McDonalds?"
"Sure. There's a Long John Silver's nearby, and I go there just to think of Brian. Yes, I've been eating Howie. But you guys are doing some family thing. I'm going to feel out of place."
"Nicky, at my house, family dinners are normal. We do it every day. And I thought we were family. Don't tell me all that, 'We're like brothers,' is a bunch of lies."
"No," I said into the receiver and realized that I had run out of options.
"Don't make me put my mom on the line," Howie said. "Because I will, and she can convince anyone to do anything."
"It's okay," I said. "I'll go. Thanks for inviting me. What do I bring?"
"Yourself. Okay?"
"Sure. Okay."
"See you at six."
I nodded. "Bye."
That was odd. Howie had never invited me to his house. I had never invited him to my house. If anything, at the beginning, we spent time together at AJ's house. And Howie's family was famous for being united, strong and loving. I had been without my own family long enough to cherish my time with them and without them.
"Nicky!" Mrs. Dorough greeting pulling me into her arms. "How are you? You're so tall. Are you taller than Kevin now?"
"Naw," I said returning her hug and being careful of the flowers and sparking grape juice I had taken. "Probably won't be, either. How are you?"
"Wonderful," she said. "I'm so happy Howard invited you. And that you said yes. Thank you!" she said taking the flowers and juice from me.
Their house was beautiful in the way a home full of cherished memories is beautiful. Pictures of Howie and his siblings abounded. Little knickknacks from Puerto Rico and Ireland filled the end tables and walls. Their couches looked used and comfortable. Mine were still brand new.
"Hey Frack," Howie greeted finally coming out to meet me. "Glad you're here. Wanna play video games."
"Uh, shouldn't we help your mom?" I asked since at home, dinner was never made by one person alone.
Howie laughed. "No. My sister and my cousin are helping her. C'mon."
I followed him to a den that was even more lived-in than the living room. He surprised me with all of my favorite video games then made no effort to beat me at any of them.
Things were getting stranger by the minute.
"How are you doing with the Sandy thing? Has she called?" he asked.
"Yeah. Well, she called after New Year's Evil. But I didn't return her call. She saw you guys dragging me out of the club."
"New Year's Evil?"
I nodded. "It's what I've started calling that night. Man, can you even believe she had the nerve to call me after that? Why even? I don't get it."
"I don't get it either. I don't pretend to. What's the point? I just decided that I will never be as fortunate as I am right now in my career, my financial status, and my social life. So, I decided to enjoy what I have for whatever that's worth," he said. "I'd love to settle down like Brian, but if I don't, no big deal. Maybe I'll settle down when I'm thirty."
"Yeah, but that bar thing really sucked, 'D. What's the point of standing around trying to impress girls who have to clue what you're about inside?"
He shrugged. "I don't know, buddy. But it's fun."
"Not when you're unconscious."
He chuckled. "Yeah, that was bad. Sorry. But Kevin and I never go to get plastered. We just go have fun."'
"Kevin? Kevin, doesn't need to go there to have fun. I thought he had already met the love of his life. Isn’t he back with Angel? Why is he even out there?"
"Nope, they broke up again. And well, things change between people, Frack. I mean, he also realizes that life will never be this good again. He will never be this young and this popular again. Why not enjoy it?"
"Well, I guess you'd have to define enjoyment for me. Maybe I just don't get it."
"Maybe," he conceded. "Maybe you will eventually. We've left you out of the clubbing thing because you're so young. You're turning what? Twenty-one this year?"
"Twenty," I told him. "And it's okay if you keep leaving me out. Really."
He chuckled. "Okay."
It wasn't long before his mother came and got us to go eat. At my house, my mother used to scream at the top of her lungs to get us to eat. It was unheard of for her to go from room to room trying to gather the five of us.
But we were seated at the dinner table, which was set perfectly. My flowers adorned the center and everything smelled like Thanksgiving.
They even said grace.
Then Howie made a quick re-introduction of his brother and sisters. I'd met them before, but I had forgotten their names.
"And this is my cousin Karina," he said motioning to a tall, slender girl with long brown hair sitting across from me. "She's visiting us from Puerto Rico. She'll be here until February."
She smiled, showing off the bright, perfectly straight that seemed to run in the Dorough family.
"Hi," she said. "I'm a big fan."
"Oh thanks," I said. "I guess you'd have to be since Howie's your cousin."
She smiled.
They all fell silent and watched us. I smiled. It began to dawn on me then that this was Howie's idea of a set up. I knew his family as lively and talkative. That night, they spent the entire dinner talking to and about Karina.
"Karina is the prima ballerina at her school," Mrs. Dorough said. "How long have you been dancing, chiquita?"
"Ten years now, since I was eight," Karina said. "I love it. I plan to come to college in the States and hopefully find my way into a dance school."
I nodded.
"And she has the highest GPA at her school, right Karina?" Howie said.
She smiled. "Yeah. I'm such a nerd. All I have time to do is study."
"And be homecoming queen," Howie said.
She blushed.
"And can you believe that she has time to volunteer at the homeless shelter, what? Twice a week?" asked Mrs. Dorough.
"Twice a month, tia," Karina said with a laugh. "Just twice month."
"She’s a good girl," Mrs. Dorough continued. "We’re all very proud of her, Nick. We really are. Very few kids respond to her parents the way that she has. She has a lot of common with you and Howie in that you make us all so proud."
Howie grinned. "Thanks mom!"
By this time, I had put my fork down. "Wow, well congratulations on all that talent."
"Are you full, honey?" Mrs. Dorough asked.
I shook my head. "I'm just taking a break so that I can finish everything. It's so delicious. Thank you. What do you plan to study in college?"
She shrugged. "Medicine. My mom wants me to be a doctor, but I'd love to be a artist. I love to paint. Howie tells me that you like to draw."
"Yeah, I doodle here and there. It's just a hobby. I'm not that good. You know, if you work really hard, you could do both things. You really don't have to make up your mind to be one thing anymore," I said.
She nodded, glossy hair slipping off her shoulder. "Yeah. You're right."
We both fell silent then, and I went back to cleaning my plate. All that got me was a second helping.
"Karina made the dessert," Mrs. Dorough said. "So leave some room, Nick."
"Wow. You cook too?"
"It's just chocolate cake," she said. "My grandmother gave the recipie. I made it last time Howie was in Puerto Rico."
"And I ate the whole thing," Howie said. "You'll like it."
'I bet,' I thought.
The cake was perfect and delicious. And it didn't surprise me when Howie and everyone else cleaned up after dinner, and Karina and I were shooed into the den.
"Want to play video games?" she asked.
"No. I'm all video gamed out."
She nodded settling next to me on the squashy couch.
"I like Mario Cars," she said. "It's my favorite. I'm not very good since I only play with my little bother."
"Mario Kart," I corrected gently.
"Oh, yeah."
I was silent since I had decided to let them hang themselves. They weren't the only ones who had tried to set me up with a pretty relative. And though I truly appreciated Howie's effort to put an end to my new loneliness, I was no where near ready to start a new relationship.
I touched my stomach. "I'm full. Your aunt's a really good cook. Does she always cook such fancy meals?"
"Mostly when they have company or a special occasion."
"So, am I company or a special occasion?" I asked.
She looked confused. "What?"
"Yeah, I mean, were you already having a special dinner? Or was inviting me special? It shouldn't be as long as I've known Howie."
"I don't know," she said. "I just thought that..."
I chuckled. "What?"
"I don't know. I mean, it was Howie's idea to invite you. I thought he did it a lot. He doesn't?"
"No," I told her. "This is the first time I've had dinner here."
She sighed then she shook her head. "Well, I'm sorry then. I told him that I wanted to meet you, and he mentioned that you were single. I didn't think it would be that big a deal."
"It's not."
"Well, you sound, uh, resentful."
I sucked in air and stood up. "I'm not resentful. I'm just okay. I don't understand why they don't understand that. I don't need to be set up or taken care of. I'm fine."
She blinked at me. "Well, I'm sorry. I just thought--."
Howie peeked into the den. "Anybody want more cake?"
I shook my head. "I'd better go, 'D. Where's your mom so I can say good-bye."
He was silent for second. "Already? Everything okay, Nick?"
I tried not to clench my teeth. "Everything's fine. I just left the dogs outside, and it's getting late. Besides, I don't want to out-stay my welcome."
He nodded. "She's in the living room. I'll walk you out."
"It was nice meeting you," I told Karina. "Good luck with all your goals."
"Thanks," she mumbled.
"Next time, don't go setting me up," I whispered to Howie as we went down the hallway. "She's very nice and very pretty, but I need--."
"Hey," he began. "I just thought--."
"Don't think anymore, please. And it really sucks that this is the only reason why you'd even invite me over." I said and hurried into the living room to say good-bye.

The phone was ringing when I got inside.
"Hello?"
There was silence for a second. "Nick?"
Ugh.
"Sandy. Hey," I said as casually as I could though my heart made a huge thud.
"Hi. I've been calling for awhile now."
It had been five days since New Year's Evil.
"Well, your last message made it sound like you wouldn't be anymore."
"Oh," she said. "Okay. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay."
"I'm fine."
The line clicked signaling that I had another call.
"I think that's my mom," I told her. "I'd better get it."
"Okay. Okay, bye."
I pushed the flash button.
"Hello?"
"Nick, it's Kev. How's it going?"
"Kevin. Hey, what's up?"
"No, nothing," he said. "I just called--."
I cut him off because I knew. "To check up on me?"
"Um, well, sure. I called to make sure that you're okay."
Geez.
"I'm okay. I'm okay, okay Kev? Everything is okay. What's the deal with you guys? Sandy and I have broken up before. What's going on with you?'
"With me, nothing," he said. "I don't know what's gotten you all upset, but I'm just calling to see if you need anything. There's a storm coming. You wanna come up?"
"A storm? In the beginning of January? It's fine. Everything's fine. I've lived near the beach all my life, hurricanes, and storms. None of it scares me. What scares me is you guys tip-toeing around me like that. Level with me, Kevin. What? What's going on?"
He hesitated. "Baby, nothing is going on, okay? I don't know who else is tip-toeing around you or what. But I'm not. I just know how hard it is to let go of someone special. I mean, to really let go of them. You are letting go of her, aren't you?"
"Yes, Kevin. I just cut her off to pick up this very important phone call from you."
I heard him sigh loudly. "She's still calling you?"
"Yeah. I was thinking about changing my number but then I wouldn't be getting set up by Howie and these check up calls from you."
"Nick, I'm just concerned, okay? Man, if I had known you were going to be such a bitch I never would have called you."
I bit my lip. "Sorry. I'm sorry. I just got too many damn things on my mind, Kev. The storm's the least of my concerns. They're never bad in the winter. I'll be fine."
"If you're sure," he said. "You know you can come up whenever you want. It might be better if you're not at home alone."
"I'm fine."
He waited to see if I had anything else to say. I didn't.
"Okay. Okay, baby. Listen, please take good care of yourself. Don't stay there if things get bad. And I don't just mean the storm."
"Yes, Kevin."
He sighed. "Bye."
"Bye."
That did it.
Though I loved the guys dearly and couldn't envision my life without them, I hated being thought of as incompetent. I was known for being a little silly, forgetful and naive. But I wasn't dumb. Yes, I had taken Sandy back quite a few times after one of her fits. On occasion, I had cried on the phone to her, begged her, sent her flowers. And they had seen all of it. But I had never seen her with another guy. That had been enough to convince me that things were over. I didn't need anything else. All I wanted and needed was down time to regroup. That's how dealt with everything. I couldn't believe that they didn't understand that.
It struck me then that there was an easy way to figure it all out. AJ never lied to me. He was physically incapable of lying to anyone.

The next morning, I hurried to his place while the once again darkening clouds raced toward the Gulf. The full storm hadn't hit again, and I didn't think it would. But it had rained for a while in the afternoon just it had the past few days. I actually heard that things were worse farther north. The days were warm and moist with the nights nothing but mild. If I wasn't so fuzzy-headed from Sandy, Kevin and Howie's bizarre exploits I would have realized that it was pure Florida storm weather.
I must have knocked on his door ten times.
He opened up in his underwear with this lost look on his face.
"Frack?"
I nodded. "Hey, Jay. You busy?"
"Uh, busy sleeping. You--."
"I'm okay. Can I come in?"
He moved to the side to let me in. I handed him the coffee I had brought because I knew better than to barge in on him without baring gifts.
"This is a surprise," he said taking a sip of the expensive blend I had driven all over Orlando for. "A pleasant surprise. What's going on?"
I sat down on one of his funky chairs. "Um, I was hoping you could tell me, Bone."
He sat down in front of me. "Tell you what?"
"Drink the coffee. It's good, huh?"
"It's great. What's going on, Nikolas?"
"Howie and Kevin are acting really strange. Howie just tried to set me up with one of his cousins. A really pretty one that you'd think he'd keep away from me. And Kevin called me last night to make sure I was okay."
"That's normal for Kev," AJ said.
"He called me baby."
He swallowed a big gulp of coffee. "Yeah?"
"Yeah. Twice. C'mon, what's up? Brian left for New York, and he hasn't looked back. That's normal for him. But it's not normal for those two to be this concerned about me. What gives?"
He sipped his coffee, put it down and ran his hands through his messy hair.
"Um, um, um," AJ began. "Well Nick, it's like this. Let me tell you that New Year's Eve was not an unplanned event."
"Okay. Explain."
"Yeah, well, we had all agreed to show up that night and to take you there."
"Because?"
He looked at the floor.
I gave him a light punch in the arm. "AJ? Because?"
"Because Kevin, Howie and me had seen Sandy there last month with that guy and we didn't want to tell you because we wanted you to see for yourself and so we waited until New Year's Eve," he said in one breath.
I sat back. It washed over me quickly with every possible reasoning flashing through my mind. They were concerned. They thought I wouldn't believe them. They were drunk and didn't think things through. They had been abducted by aliens and their memories had been erased.
They were assholes.
"Brian knew too?" I finally asked.
"Well, that's why he took you to dance. To make sure that you saw them together."
"And getting me drunk?"
"We just didn't want you to leave," he said. "Nick, c'mon. Nobody meant anything bad by it. How many times have we bad-mouthed Sandy, and you haven't believed us? We figured it was just better for you to see for yourself. And the guys left a whole month in there for her to stop cheating on you."
"They knew for whole month and waited? Wow. Thanks."
"Nick--."
I got up and started toward the door. My body ran hot and cold then numb.
"Nick. Nick listen, women are like that. Look at what Julie is doing to me. She swore all kinds of undying love, and now all I get is a bunch of shit and threats from her. You don’t need that. Make a clean break with Sandy now."
"Whatever, AJ," I said. "Whatever."
"Frack, wait, wait, wait. You smelled this whole thing out and just came here to get it out of me, huh? That's not fair. You knew that I wouldn't lie."
"You did lie."
"No. I just didn't tell you, baby. We were just protecting you because that girl has always been too busy screwing you over."
I grabbed the door knob, but he pushed his small frame against the door.
"You lied, AJ. Not telling the truth is a lie. It's a lie. I don't care what you say."
He sighed. "Yeah, okay. We lied. But we did it for your own good. We did it with the best of intentions. And what does it matter now if you're not together?"
"Let me go," I told him and yanked at the knob.
"Nick! C'mon--."
I pulled at the door, and he jerked forward because he weighed all of twenty pounds.
"Shit," he said under his breath.

"-and you know that we all meant well. We would never do anything to hurt you or mess up something that was truly good. But you know, and have known for a long time, that things with Sandy are not good for you. I've told you, we've all told you, and Sandy has proven it time and time again. This time, we all talked about it and decided that you needed to see with your own eyes. Not because you wouldn't believe us, but because it was just better that way, Frack," was what I walked into coming out of my answering machine when I got home.
"So," Brian continued. "Please, please understand why we did what we did. We didn't mean any harm. You know I would never be involved in something that I thought might hurt you. You know that." He sighed. "Okay. I guess you're really not home. Please, please call me. I’ll be at Kevin’s by tonight. And don't be mad at us. Okay? Okay. Talk to you soon."
News did travel fast.
I sat down on the coffee table and listened to the machine beep while the little red light turned on and flashed a number five. I wondered who my other four messages were from.
I pushed the button.
"Nick, it's AJ. Look, you mad? Don't be mad. C'mon. Um, call me. Okay?"
Beep.
"Hey Nicky, it's Howie. Guess you already talked to AJ, huh? Listen, I'm truly, truly sorry that we didn't tell you from the beginning. Call me so we can talk. Okay? Bye."
Beep.
"Baby listen--," Kevin began, but I pushed the forward button.
Beep.
"Hi Nick," Sandy said. "I knew I said that I wouldn't call anymore, but I couldn't help it. I really miss you." She sniffled. "I wish we could just talk. Please call me. I'll be home all day. I love you."
I rubbed my temples and my face trying to make it all make sense. I had loved Sandy, immensely, intensely and blindly because I had to. I knew that. I have given her everything that she wanted, including my fidelity because I just wanted to be in love. Though I was in and out of the country and rarely knew what was coming the next day, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be in a relationship and begin sentences by saying, "You know, my girlfriend and I..."
She wasn't the one, and maybe I had known that all along. I knew that people who loved you didn’t make crazy, impossible demands on you. But I wanted it. I wanted it that badly.
Now, I looked like a fool in front of the four people that I spent most time with and whose opinions mattered most. I don't know how many times I let them guide me through everything, give me advice and even make decisions for me. I wanted Sandy and my relationship with her to be something independent, something adult that I controlled. But I couldn't even have that. I guess I was never going to be grown up enough for them. I was always going to be stupid, little, baby Nicky.
I closed my eyes and pressed them tight hoping that I could open them and start all over.
I sucked in air. There was no way that I was going to go backward.
I picked up the phone and dialed the number I knew by heart.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's me," I told her.
"Nick? Hi. How are you?"
"I'm okay. You?" I asked.
"I'm fine," she said voice shaking slightly. "I didn't think that you'd call."
"I've just been thinking a lot," I said. "Can I go over?"
"Sure. I'll be here."
I hung up without saying good-bye.

We talked for a very long time. She cried a lot. I fell silent a lot. It had begun to rain outside again, and I had gotten to wondering if that storm was finally going to hit when she leaned over and kissed me. I kissed her back, and in no time things were out of control. She was all over me, pushing and pulling while clothes flew. I closed my eyes tight to let myself get carried away in the moment because I desperately needed some sort of release. And sexual was good enough. We had done this many times, but back then I had been in love with her. And somewhere inside, a little voice kept telling me that this was a trap.
I stopped her hands. "We'd better not, Sandy. It's not a good idea."
She pouted then smiled. "Why?"
"Well, we're not even together, and I don't know if we ever will be again."
She sighed blowing a strand of hair off her face. "I don't care if we're together. I want you. I've always wanted you."
I moved away from her and got to looking for my things.
"What about Derek?" I asked.
"The only reason that I'm with Derek is that he can be here, Nick. Derek lives in town, and I can see him everyday. That's the only reason that I even went out with him."
I nodded. "Well, you've always known who I am. I'm not leaving my career for--."
"For me? I'm not worth that to you, I know. I've learned to accept it. Fine, I do."
"It's not that," I began. "It's too many things. You want way more than I can give you right now."
Her expression chilled. "You have what I want right now."
I wanted to laugh but tried really hard to be serious. "It's not about sex, okay? I made a mistake coming here. I thought that maybe we could work things out, that you could understand and accept my life."
She looked about herself and began to cover up. "I thought that you had decided it wasn't going to work when you saw me on New Year's Eve. I didn't think this was about what we were going through in the past. I thought you were mad because I had gone out with Derek that one time."
"One time?"
She shrugged. "New Year's Eve was the first time that I went out with him. I was your girlfriend before that. I was too busy sitting around waiting for you to call."
"You'd never gone out with him before?" I asked.
"No."
"Where'd you meet him?"
"He's a friend of my brother's. Derek told him that he'd been wanting to ask me out for awhile, but he knew that we were together. My brother gave me his number, and I called him when you told me that you needed a break," she said.
"And you'd never gone out with him before?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Never Nick! Why? What's with all the questions."
I half-laughed and leaned back on the couch. "The guys saw you, Sandy."
"What guys? What guys saw me doing what?"
"The guys. Kevin, Howie and AJ, I think, saw you in South Beach with that same guy last month. I know you've known him longer than a couple of weeks. Why are you lying to me? We're not even together."
He face turned pink, and she started to fix her hair. "That wasn't me. They lied to you because they hate me. They always have. You know that."
I shook my head. "I don't know a lot of things, Sandy. I don't know why I ever waited to long to break up with you when you made things so difficult all the time. I don't know why the guys still treat me like a little kid sometimes. But I know that they wouldn't lie to me. They saw you there with him last month."
She stood up and walked around the living room pretending to be looking for something, or I don't know what. She looked like a caged animal, desperate and lost. I finished buttoning up my shirt and adjusting my jeans.
"I'd better go," I told her standing up. "It's getting late, and I shouldn't have come here at all."
She stopped and looked at me, tears in her eyes once again. "I love you, Nick. I don't care what anyone says about me or what you think."
I stepped around her. "Love is not about lying."
"I didn't lie! You lied! You told me that you'd have time for me, that we could be together, but we weren't."
I shook my head and headed for the door, but she grabbed my arm.
"You can't just leave me like this! I love you. I love you."
I pulled my arm away. "Sandy, stop it. You don't love me. You don't even know what love is. You just want to have your way."
The tears slid down her face and she quickly pushed them away. "I waited for you, every single day. I waited for your stupid phone calls, your emails, your messages. I just waited and waited--."
"Well, I'm sorry--."
"You're not sorry! You just wanted somebody to fuck. You knew that things would be easy with me because you're famous. You--."
I had to stop her right there. "No. No, I didn't. I even told you that we could wait on having sex because I knew that I was never around. Besides, these days finding somebody to fuck is easy. I wanted to somebody to love. And somebody who would love me back."
She gasped, then she shook her head bitterly.
"You never thought about me," I told her. "You only thought about yourself. Wanted things your way, did whatever you wanted, dumped me whenever the urge struck you. How can you say that you loved me? You don’t. You didn’t."
"You were never there to love. That’s not my fault."
I had had enough. "You're just not that person, and you never were. I'm just sorry that it took me so long to figure that out. And I am sorry that I wasted your time and mine. It's a good thing for you that Derek lives in town. I hope you guys are happy."
My heart was pounding against my chest. She had said more than I could stand, and I think she knew that. She stayed silent as I walked out in the rain.
I didn't want to go home. The thought of being alone made the pit in my stomach feel even deeper. I hated confrontations, especially with girls. They never made any sense when they were upset, or maybe I didn't.
I sighed and put the wind shield wipers on high against the rain. It was falling hard, but my truck would handle it.
I decided to get to Orlando. Kevin told me to come up whenever I needed to, and I had no desire to be alone. I knew then that they had just been standing up for me. It's what older brothers are supposed to do.
The rain was much heavier as I got closer to Orlando. It seemed like most of the storm hadn't waited to make it to the Gulf. Its fury emptied all over the road practically flooding it. The highway was clear since it was well past midnight. I hadn't realized just how much time I had wasted at Sandy's. I wondered if Kevin would even be home. The windshield wipers could hardly cut through the rain, and all the lights looked blurred. I thought about going back, but I was too close. I eased my foot off the gas and leaned forward. If I squinted really hard, things looked clearer. But there was no one else on the dimly-lit roads, so I could hardly see where I was going.
I felt a huge bump and slammed on the breaks. At first, I thought that I might have hit something, so I hurried off the truck. Part of the pavement had washed out under my tires.
"Shit," I muttered.
I got back on, and started the truck again. As I slowly hit the gas, the tires just rotated in the mud, water and broken up pavement. I moved the steering while gently from one side to the other, but the tires wouldn’t budge. I had an all-terrain vehicle. Didn't that include huge pot holes?
I pushed harder on the gas, and this time, felt my truck sink lower. I slammed forward when I hit the breaks and bumped my head on the steering wheel since I hadn't bothered to put on the seat belt.
"No," I heard myself saying. "No, no, no."
I put the truck in reverse and pressed on gas. The tires roared, and I saw mud fly everywhere. I pushed the gas pedal down lower. Something groaned then cracked. I immediately put it back in park.
Think. I had to think. The stupid truck could be used for off-roading, it had to make it through. The rain got harder and I felt the wind slightly rock my truck.
I tried once more with it in drive. This time, I jerked forward so hard and so fast that I bumped my head again, and I actually felt the Earth move under me. I dug desperately for my cell phone and climbed off as the crack in the pavement got deeper. I hurried to the other side of the empty road leaving my truck partially imbedded in the highway.
I dialed Kevin's number on the cell phone. The phone pad light up as I dialed the digits then rang once and went dead. I hadn't charged it. I always forgot to charge it because I never used it.
"Shit!"
I dialed again. Surely I could get through on what little battery I had left. It rang twice this time, then fell silent.
The rain pelted my head hard, and quickly made all of my clothes stick to me. I was soaked in under five minutes. I could feel my hair matted against my head. There were lights up ahead, but I was going to have a long walk to get to them. I felt a dull ache in my head from the two times I hit the steering wheel. I hurried up the road, hoping and praying that someone would see me and stop before I had to run all the way up the highway. Though it wasn't cold outside, the wind was really kicking up making it hard for me to hurry against the rain.
I tried my dead cell phone three more times before chucking it into the road.
I don't know how long I walked, but I was numb from the wind and the rain and half-deaf from the thunder when I heard a siren, then a police car stopped next to me.
"Sir? Are you all right, sir?"
I squinted at the driver and pushed my wet hair out of my face. "I, uh...," I began.
"Is that your truck back there?"
I nodded.
He killed the engine and climbed off.
"Are you all right? Do you need any medical assistance?"
"No. The truck just sank," I said.
He nodded. "I'll take you to the station, son. Maybe you can call your parents."
I nodded and followed him to the car. He handed me a blanket and drove me a short distance up the road to the station. I was shivering by the time we got there, but hadn't even said word one to him.
"Who do you want me to call?" he asked when I sat next to his desk. I felt like a lost kid. "Your parents?"
"My parents live in California. But my friend lives here in town."
"What's his name?"
"Kevin Richardson," I told him.
"You know the number?"
I recited the digits, and he dialed.
"Kevin Richardson?" he asked. "This is the Metro Orlando Police Department. Please hold."
"Kevin?" I said trying to hold the phone in my shaking hand.
He was panicked. "Nick?!? What is it? Are you okay? What happened?"
"The truck sank," I began. "I was on my way to stay with you, and the road washed out. It was raining. I was walking when they picked me up. I’m at--." I looked up at the officer.
He took the phone from me and told Kevin where I was and what had happened.
"He'll be here," he told me handing me cup of coffee. "How'd you get that bump on your head?"
I had forgotten.
"Steering wheel," I said finally reaching up to touch a swollen knot on my forehead.
He nodded, wrinkling his brow, then shook his head. "It looks okay. You feel okay?"
"Yes, sir," I said.
I sat back and watched my tennis shoes drip dirty water onto the floor. It was Holland all over again. I was alone, scared and feeling stupid. Why didn't things ever change? Why didn't I ever grow up? I got older but never smarter.
I sank lower into the chair.
"Here, son," the officer said putting an ice pack in front of me.
I just looked at it.
"It's for your head. You got a big knot there." He took the untouched cup of coffee from me.
"Thanks," I said and felt a huge flash of pain when I put it to my forehead. I closed my eyes for a second.
"You're one of those Backstreet Boys guys, aren't you?" he asked.
I nodded. "Yeah."
"My little sister loves you guys. Good love songs."
"Thanks."
"She'd freak if she saw you here. I thought you guys ran around with all sorts of body guards and were never alone."
"We're on a break," I said. "I try to have a normal life when I'm on a break."
He chuckled. "You try?"
"It doesn't always work out."
His looked curious, but I was in no mood to talk.
"Are you dizzy?" he asked.
"No."
"Queasy?"
"No. Why?"
"Could be real head injury. How long were you out there?"
"I'm not sure."
He nodded and finally seemed to realize that I was empty inside and had nothing to say.
Not ten minutes later, I saw Kevin coming through the desks at me. A strange little noise escaped my throat when I realized that Brian was right behind him. But I fought hard against every urge to bawl like I had when I had gotten back on the bus after Sven dropped me off. I had been fourteen then, and it had been okay. Now, too many things had happened, and I was too tired of getting lost and being left behind.
I didn't move, still holding the blanket tightly around myself with one hand and the ice pack to my head with the other.
"Nick," Brian said getting to me first. "What happened? Are you all right?"
I nodded. Kevin was talking to the officer.
I heard him say that my truck was being towed to the station and that the road had been closed. He told Kevin that I seemed okay but to watch to make sure I hadn't really hurt my head.
"Frack?" he said finally turning to me. "You okay? You're soaked. I brought you clothes, baby."
Brian sat down next to me and turned my face to him to look at my knot.
"That's a nasty bump," he said. "How'd you get that? Does it hurt?"
I shrugged and looked back down at my shoes just wanting to disappear, be dry and alone somewhere else.
Kevin put the gym bag in front of me. "Change. You'll get sick like that. Okay?"
I nodded, and the officer pointed me to the bathroom. Brian got up to follow me.
"I'm okay, Bri," I said. "I'll be right back."
He nodded. "Okay. Okay man. Hurry up."
I nodded again and took the gym bag from Kev.
I was having a very hard time collecting myself and keeping it together. I rubbed my face with hot water before changing out of my wet clothes. It all kept going through my head: Sandy, the guys’ involvement, my own immaturity, my dumb luck. Things were just getting too hard, and I was no longer at an age where I could just grin and bare it. I looked at myself in the mirror in Kevin’s clothes. It was all still kind of big on me, even though we were about the same height.
"Keep him warm and watch that bump," the officer said as we walked out after giving him autographs. "He didn't want to call his parents, but he's okay."
"Thank you, sir," Kevin said and pulled me. "C'mon. Want me to take you back to Tampa?"
"It’s too late," I said. "Can’t I just stay with you?"
"You don’t have to ask. You feel okay?" he asked. "You sure you don’t want to see a doctor?"
"No. I don’t. It’s nothing."
"You want to get something to eat?" Brian asked as we got into the truck.
"No thanks," I said.
I made him sit next to Kevin and leaned on the window silently all the way back.
Though Kevin had plenty of room upstairs, Brian and I camped out downstairs. I insisted that I just wanted to watch TV. He just followed my lead and stayed close to me. It wasn’t like when we were on tour and could have double occupancy rooms so we could sit up and talk. I wasn’t much for talking anyway. I was still feeling the after-effects of everything that had happened.
"You getting Bone a present?" he asked casually.
I was stretched out the couch while he sat Indian-style on the floor in front of me.
"I don’t know what," I said. "Maybe I’ll just take him out to dinner. You?"
"I’m giving him a hat," Brian said. "I got brave and bought him the most outrageous hat that I could find. It’s purple and has feathers and glitter."
"No lie?" I asked.
He chuckled. "Just kidding. I bought him University of Kentucky cap. I mean, I don’t know if he’ll wear it, but what can you get him? When it’s Kev or Howie, I know to get them clothes. You’re happy with video games and CD’s. It’s tough to shop for him."
"Yeah," I said.
"He was worried about telling you what we had done. He called me in New York all freaked out, saying that you were very pissed off. That you even pushed him. I think he called everybody," Brian said.
He waited for me to say something, but I didn’t.
"That’s why I got on the first plane I could and came back here," he said. "I was going to go see you tomorrow, so we could talk. I called you a couple of times, but you weren’t home. Or you weren’t answering the phone."
"I wasn’t home."
"Where’d you go?"
"With Sandy."
"Oh," he said then took almost a minute to speak again. "Things okay with you guys?"
"No, Brian."
"Um-huh. You okay with that?"
I didn’t answer.
"You want me just to be quiet now?" he asked.
But I couldn’t answer him. It all landed on me like a ton of breaks. My throat closed up, and I began cry harder than I had in long time. I buried my face in my pillow and tried not to make any noise, but Brian immediately knew.
"Oh Frack," he said softly. "Don’t. Don’t be upset over her."
"It’s not her," I managed to sob. "It’s not just her."
"You still mad at us?"
"No."
"Then what?"
That’s what I didn’t have an answer to. Then what? What was it about me and my life that made me screw up so easily?
"You know," Brian began in that reassuring voice that I had always listened to when I was down. "I don’t know how you handle everything sometimes. You’re so good handling all the limelight. You’re always the one dealing with all the girls, and the first one who wants to talk to the reporters. It’s so easy for you to deal with things that don’t touch your insides. But Nick, all this other stuff, your family, girlfriends, us is harder to deal with, and that’s okay. You know, you’re so much younger and have seen so many more things, that you should be this screwed up, druggie, has-been by now. But you’re not. You’re learning how to handle everything that comes your way. But be patient with yourself, because it doesn’t come over night."
I held on tighter to the pillow and tried to get it together.
"Sometimes, I see you, and you live in these two worlds," he continued. "You have your family, Sandy, us, and you keep it away from everything else. That’s your world. Then you have your job. That’s the real world. And you are a different person there, Nick. We all are. We have to be. Sometimes, things suck in the real world. Sometimes, they suck in your world. And whether you like it or not, you have to juggle both of them. It’s hard, I know. But you have to give yourself a break when things suck. Don’t pressure yourself, don’t listen to us if you don’t want to, but just take care. Take care of yourself."
"I try," I said.
He sighed, and I heard him shift his position on the floor. He told hold of my arm. "I know. I know you do. But you’d better remember that you are still very young, and you have whole lot to learn. And that sometimes, you have to be careful because people won’t look out for you, Nick. Not girlfriends. Not outsiders. Not friendly strangers. You have to take care of yourself. I hate to tell you this, but there will be more Sandy’s. And we will probably all meddle in your life for what we think is your own sake. Even when you’re thirty, we’re going to be acting like your big brothers. Even if you hate it."
I sucked in air and rubbed my face.
"I don’t hate it," I told him. "I think I actually need it."
"I think we need it," he said. "We need it even more. We wouldn’t get involved in your life if we didn’t care. You know that."
"I know."

AJ’s birthday concert rolled around. We all showed up early to watch him transform himself in Johnny Suede. He was eccentric. We had always known that. This was just something he would enjoy.

Leigh Anne flew into town and hooked on to Brian as soon as she got there. Kevin seemed to have found his way back with Angel, and they stood together like time hadn’t passed, and they had always been together.

I wondered how they could do that. Time, distance, personal and professional differences came and went between them. He often said that he was done trying to work things out with her. Then, he’d show up with her like nothing had ever been wrong. It really wasn’t what I wanted for myself.

Howie, AJ and I were stag.

"Happy birthday, AJ!" I heard a familiar voice say.
We were sitting backstage eating and talking with security and band guys.

"Uh, uh, thanks," Bone said. "I, uh, what are you doing here?"
Finally, I looked up. He was talking to Sandy with the most uncomfortable look I had ever seen on his face.

"You invited me, remember? Well, I thought that I was still invited."

He struggled to paste a smile on his face. "Uh, well. Okay. I just don’t know if it’s a good idea that you--."

I finally made my way over there. "It’s okay, Bone. Hi Sandy."

"Hi Nick."

"Go finish getting ready," I told him. "It’s almost time."
He looked at me, then at her, then behind us at Brian, Kevin and Howie.

"It’s okay," I told him again. "It’s okay."

He finally walked away, but I saw his eyes dart from us to the guys and back to us.

"How’d you get that ouchie?" she asked looking up at the fading bruise on my forehead.

"It’s nothing. I bumped my head," I said. "You know, AJ had invited us. And now that we’re not together, I don’t think that he expected you to come here."

She nodded. "I know. I know I’m facing your guard dogs, Nicky. I’m not scared. I wanted to see you."

"Why? Derek out of town?"

"No. I just wanted to make sure that--."

"That it’s over? It’s over Sandy. I’m done being miserable with and without you. I thought I made that very clear."
"Yeah but--."

I shook my head. "But means no. There’s no but here. Really, it’s for the best that we just go our own separate ways. I have too many things to do and not enough time to spend with you. Besides, you’ve made it very clear that you can’t live with my schedule. And it’s not going to change."

She crossed her arms and shook out her long hair. "The guys really did a number on you this time, Nick. I guess they finally convinced you how awful I am."

I felt my anger flash, but I held back. This was AJ’s birthday, and we were not going to make a scene.

"You convinced me, Sandy. They were just there for me. They would have accepted and tolerated you if anything good came out of our being together. But it doesn’t. And listen, don’t you think it was a really bad idea for you to come?" I asked with a smile.

She bit her lip. "Yeah. I guess it was. But at least I got to see you up close one last time. From now on, I guess I’ll be stuck in the audience, huh?"

I shrugged. "If you can get the tickets."

She opened her mouth to say something, but I walked away. The guys all pretended not to be watching, but they were. Brian had this tiny smirk on his face as Sandy found her way out the door.

Kevin stood up and grabbed Angel’s hand. "Let’s go sit, guys. The show’s about to start."

"Where’s Karina today?" I asked Howie as we settled into our table.

He smiled. "She’s home. Change your mind about her?"
"Is she still perfect?"

"No. She’s actually kind of young, goofy and silly. She’s never worked at a homeless shelter a day in her life. And she has a real mean streak. She’s knocked out her brother twice. You didn’t get a chance to get to really know her."

I nodded and tried not to laugh. "Well, maybe you can invite me to dinner again. Your mom’s a great cook."
"How about tomorrow night?"