"Here."AJ said as he handed Caroline her cup of ice cream as they walked away from the ice cream stand to go watch Baylee play. They sat down on a bench near where he was playing to keep a good eye on him.

"So I'm kind of offended."AJ said looking over at her.

"Why's that?"she asked confused.

"Bri says you aren't a fan of Backstreet..."he said.

"I use to be."she said laughing while putting a spoonful of chocolate in her mouth. "After seeing you... I mean you guys last night though, I may have changed my mind."she said and he smiled. He put his thumb on her lip and wiped off the apparent ice ceam she had there. Her cheeks reddened and he laughed lightly.

"Good."he said seeing a group of teenage girls run up to him. "Well I mean it's been good hanging out with you today but because we are in public I must sign autographs for the rest of my life."he said making her laugh as the girls approached him. She got up from the bench to let him do his thing and went to find Baylee so he could finish her ice cream.

"Hey!"Baylee said waving at her from the top of one of the slides.

"Come down here and eat this!"she said. He nodded and seconds later popped up on the bottom of the slide.

"Tired yet?"she asked as she handed him her cup.

"No way!"he said inhaling the rest of her ice cream.

"Well get it all out of our system AJ is going to have to get back soon."she said pulling out her phone to check the time. "Your mom called me I better call her back."she said dialing Leighanne's number.

*****
"Hey girl!"

"Hey, sorry... me Baylee and AJ went to this playground place. It's so loud I didn't hear my phone."Caroline said seeing AJ walking towards her.

"AJ huh? Ya'll doing it yet?"

"LEIGH! I've only been here a day!"she said smiling.

"SO! He's AJ I am surprised he didn't try to jump in your pants last night!"

"What's what supposed to mean? He's actually being really nice!"she said as AJ quietly stood beside her giving Baylee a high five.

"Nothing, just watch out. That's all. Talk to Bri about it. I just wanted to check in. I'll call you later though tell Baylee I love him."

"Alright Leigh bye."
****

Caroline hung up the phone and grabbed Baylee's hand. "You're mom says she loves you...you read to go? It's almost time to go onstage with your daddy."she said walking towards the door.

"I guess."he said sighing sad to be leaving the place.

"Have fun buddy?"Brian called as they walked back into the arena. Baylee ran away from AJ and Caroline to meet his dad onstage.

"Hey so um...."AJ started. He was nervous so he started rubbing his sweaty hands on his jeans. "I know today wasn't really all tha tawesome and I would offer to take you out tonight, but I don't know where we are..."he continued.

"Virginia."she interuppted and he smiled.

"Still don't know where anything is here...anyways so tomorrow I won't know any better, but at least we'll be in New York would you join me for lunch...I know ou have the while fiance thing so I would under..."he said scratching the back of his head.

"No, no I'll go."she said trying to hide how happy she was he asked.

"Awesome!"he said and clapped his hands together. "I gotta go change...they are already letting the soundcheck people in."he said watching the fans file in from outside.

"K see you later."she said as her phone beeped. Josh wanted to video chat with her on AOL.

"Click this little computer and VOILA!"Brian yelled jumping in the air as his MAC laptop finally connected to a surrounding wireless area. He stood up from his seat and she sat down replacing him.

"Thanks Bri."she said clicking on the AOL button. "Now get out of here they have been waiting on you for fifteen minutes to start soundcheck."she said pushing him so he would leave. She shut the door behind him as he walked out and nervously turned back to the computer. As she typed in her username and password she contemplated even opening the video chat invitation. She didn't want to even appear to be nervous to him... he would know something was up. She took in a deep breath as she opened the invitation.

***

"You look beautiful."Josh said in his Marine Core get up. He appeared to be talking to her inside a brown tent of some kind.

"You look tired."she said and smiled as he put his hand up to the screen. She put hers up to simulate them touching and he smiled back at her.

"A little bit...it's just hot as hell here."he said and sighed as he picked up his hat off of his head to wipe the sweat from his forehead. He replaced his hat and looked back up at her. "I miss you though."

"I miss you too."she said noticing he was looking behind her checking out her surroundings. There were boys clothes strewn everywhere.

"Where are you? It looks weird."he asked nervously.

"Backstage at a Backstreet Boys concert..."she said and he chuckled. "You know my aunt Leighanne, she asked me to come and visit to babysit her son while she went to LA so here I am."she said turning the camera around the room so he could see everything. He looked confused. She hadn't fully explained the connection between her Brian and Leighanne to him because she didn't want him to see her as a Backstreet Boy's niece.

"I've been gone for three weeks and you go on tour with the Backstreet Boys!"he said laughing.

"I'm just babysitting."she said rolling her eyes.

"I know...well I gotta get going soon I know we haven't talked for long. They're strict on time limits, but I love you."he said as she turned around as the door opened behind her.

"Hey I forgot to tell you...oh shit sorry."AJ said seeing the guy in the Marine suit glaring at him through the computer screen. Caroline's heart jumped into her throat. She was afraid AJ would say something to concern Josh.

"Tell me what?"she asked daringly looking up at him as he fumbled through some clothes on the floor.

"Nothing..."he said and shrugged. "Meet me at 12."he said and walked out of the room shutting the door quietly behind him.

"Meet him where at 12?"Josh asked jealously. He had always been that way about other guys talking to her even though he had no reason to be, sadly though, this time he did.

"Nothing dont worry I just have to meet him to pick up Baylee."she lied. He didn't buy it and she knew it. "I love you. Talk to you soon."she said and waved as he disconnected.

--New York City the next day --

"So what were you going to tell me yesterday?"she asked as they had stopped walking along the Hudson Bay to look at the Statue of Liberty.

"Just that I had a good time, that's all."he said and she smiled as she looked up at him.

"And today?"she asked laughing.

"Even better."he said looking down at her. He put his hand on the side of her face and smiled at her. It was hard to see his face through his black hood pulled over his black DC hat. His face continued to get closer as their noses touched. She turned away quickly as their lips barely touched. She couldn't bring herself to willingly cheat on someone, as much as she wanted to kiss AJ. She just couldn't.

"I'm sorry."she said as he looked away from her. She could tell her was really disappointed.

"It's fine. Let's just get back."he said. He was mad about the rejection, but she couldn't help it. The cab ride back to the hotel was awkward and quiet.


"Hey! We were just going swimming come on...its all you can drink on Brian!"Nick said pulling Brian into a headlock as they walked into the penthouse the boys were staying in.

"I thought you don't drink."Caroline said looking over at AJ.

"Moderation."he said pushing past her walking into his bedroom.

"Something go wrong on your date?"Brian asked walking towards her in his swim trunks followed closely by Baylee.

"It wasn't a date."Caroline said walking into the bathroom to change. She walked out a few minutes later with a towel around her waist. SHe wasn't that comfortable with her body so she could think of nothing worse then swimming with the Backstreet Boys.

"Sorry about earlier."AJ said wading over to her handing her a drink as they all had started swimming. "It's not my place."

"Is this poisoned?"she asked and he rolled his eyes while laughing.

"Unfortunately not."he said taking his drink all in one gulp.

"Moderation huh?"she asked narrowing her eyebrows. She still was not sure about his drinking. She remembered the Oprah episode with him after rehab quite fondly.

"I haven't drank in like a million years. I think I can have a few."he said. He was actually unsure, but she was making him crazy and he needed to loosen up.

"Ever heard of relapse?"she said smartly and he rolled his eyes as he was hit in the face with a volleyball.

"Are ya'll playing or what?"Brian asked as him, Nick and Baylee waited on the other side of the pool volleyball net.

2 Hours Later:

"You're drunk."Caroline said sitting in the hottub between an EXTREMELY drunk Nick and an eve drunker recovering alcoholic AJ.

"I'm not babe...you don't know what you're talking about."he said putting his arm around her. Nick was slowly but surely passing out next to them.

"I do know what I'm talking about. You can't even hold our eyes open."she said laughing as he tried to open them wide with his fingers.

"I can keep my eyes closed for this."he said and pressed his lips lightly to hers.

"I can't."she said and pulled away from him. She wasn't as drunk as he was she thought.

"No babe...you can."he said and put his hand on the side of her face. He pulled his hat up just a little bit and put his lips to hers again. He lifted her up out of the water a little bit so she could straddle him as he continued to make out with her. As he rubbed his hands up her back he pulled her hair so he could kiss down her neck. She cautiously put her hands down his pans to feel his hard on. To be short, he wasn't small. Nick stirred beside them but AJ untied her top anyways kissing her chest.

"WHOA!"Brian said walking into the poolroom. Caroline hopped off of AJ fast and covered her face embarrassed.

"DAMN what did I miss?"Nick said slowly waking up smiling as he noticed she was shirtless.

"STOP LOOKING YOU PERV!"she yelled covering her chest with her arms. AJ was laughing his ass off.

"I mean there just..."Nick said laughing hysterically.

"Here."Brian said shaking his head as he handed her a towel. AJ hopped out behind her and pulled a towel around his waist. "Told you."Brian said laughing at the two of them.

"Shut up!"she said walking past him towards the bathroom.
"What in the hell am I doing?"she said quietly to herself as she looked in the mirror. She dried off quickly and put on her clothes as someone knocked on the door. "Who is it?"she asked stumbling over herself. She was a little more drunk than she originally thought.

"It's me."a deep raspy voice said on the other side. She cracked the door and leaned against the wall looking through the crack. "I'm sorry."he said raising his eyebrows while slightly smiling.

"For what?"she was not fully comprehending everything at the moment and neither was he.

"Come stay in my room."he said ignoring her question. The truth was he didn't know why he was apologizing, she had jumped on his lap.

"Why would I do that?"she said opening the door wider.

"Because you're drunk and you need someone to take care of you."he said.

"Are you sure its not the other way around?"she asked smiling.

"Come on we can order a movie or something."he said pulling her out of the bathroom. He put his arm around her to help her into his bedroom. Everything was quiet as they plopped down on his bed.

"I'm not supposed to be doing this."she said leaning back on the headboard thinking about Josh.

"This is right."he said squeezing her hand. It had been a long time since someone had really held her hand like he was. It was hard to explain, but she kinda got a rush from it. "This is right."he repeated and picked up the remote from the bedside table.

"HELL YEA!"she said as he passed ABC and she grabbed the remote from him to turn it back.

"God I love you!"he said making her laugh as he realized his favorite show in the world, Lost, was on.

"I like Jin and Sun's story."she said looking over at him.

"I like Charlie."he said showing her his painted nails.

"Is that why you do that?"she asked. They were all black with the pinkies painted red like the characters on the show.

"He reminds me of myself."he said looking over at her.

"I guess I could see that."she said pulling down his hat over his eyes. "Take this off already."she said.

"No I got bad hair."he said laughing.

"So...I don't care."she said snatching it off his head to reveal his receeding hairline.

"Come on."he said trying to get it back from her.

"No I think it's sexy."she said scooting closer to him as he wrapped her in a hug.

"I think you're sexy."he said. She rolled her eyes and laughed as he kissed her quickly. AJ reached for the remote. They had caught the tail end of the episode and he was getting tired. He switched off the television and leaned back in the bed.

"What are we doing?"she asked after a few minutes of laying there.

"What do you mean?"he asked leaning up on his arm to look at her.

"I mean this...I mean I am getting married...this was just me being the girl of the night right?"she asked and she could tell she offended him by the look on his face.

"You know I am almost 31 years old. Brian, Howie and Kevin are all married...two of them have kids, I feel like I am behind you know and for once someone it felt like got along with me other just agreeing with me to fuck me you know...I don't know babe what we're doing. I don't care really. I know I like being with you and I haven't felt this way in a while...that's all I need to know."he said and kissed her forhead.

"Me too."she said as she layed her head on his chest. "My head is spinning."she said closing her eyes to stop the room from moving.

"Cause your drunk."he said laughing at her.

"I'm.......not...."she said slowly. After a few minutes of silence he looked over at her. She had fallen asleep.

“Oh God.”Caroline said running from the bed into the bathroom. She threw up straight clear liquid and breathed heavily as she leaned back against the bathtub. As she sniffled from her nose running so bad she wanted to cry. What was she thinking? What had she done last night, was the bigger question as she noticed she was wearing next to nothing.

“Babe?”AJ said stumbling into the bathroom where she was. “You okay?”he said rubbing his forehead from his massive headache. You try not drinking for years and see how you feel the next day.

“Fine.”she said and stood up from where she was laying. He reached for her hand but she just looked up at him. “AJ I can’t do this… no matter what I feel I have obligations to someone else.”she said and he looked down.

“Whatever.”he said shaking his head. “Deny this all you want.”

“Don’t be like that.”she said but he put his hand up to stop her.

“Just go watch Baylee or whatever it is you came here to do.”he said in a stern voice.

“AJ come on.”she said walking closer to him. She was so confused, she didn’t know what she was doing. “You can’t expect me to just leave him for you…I’ve known you for what three days?”

“Exactly…I’ve known you for three days so just forget it.”he said pissed off. He started the shower and looked back at her waiting for her to leave the bathroom. She looked back at him as she slowly shut the door behind her. She walked back into the living room where the rest of the boys were getting there stuff ready to take with them to the arena they were playing in that night.

“How was your night?”Nick said laughing insinuating they had done something.

“Probably a lot better than yours.”she said trying to smile.

“OHHHHHH.”Brian yelled cupping his hand over his mouth as Nick play punched him in the stomach. “Wanna come watch soundcheck? I’ll let you sit onstage with Baylee.”Brian said and she smiled.

“I don’t know Bri I don’t really feel well.”she said holding onto her stomach.

“Didn’t you come here to watch my child though?”Brian said nodding his head so she would say yes.

“Okay fine.”she said walking past him to change clothes.


Caroline sat on the stage with Baylee where they had made an upper level for the drums while the boys began their soundcheck. She looked out at all the fans with their adoring eyes…if they only knew how these boys really acted. AJ had not looked or spoken to her once since they arrived at the venue. It was really starting to get to her.

“Okay so what songs do you guys wanna hear…we can play anything off the greatest hits album except Drowning, If You Want It To Be Good Girl, Get Down…ehhhh the band doesn’t know how to play a lot of stuff.”AJ said making the girls laugh. “Keep it on the new album or Never Gone if you can.”

“Unmistakeable.”one of the girls called out.

“Unmistakeable it is then.”Howie said smiling as the band began to play. This was one Caroline hadn’t heard… because as previously mentioned she wasn’t a Backstreet fan anymore. She had really thrown AJ of course today and she could tell. He looked rough.

Maybe you’ll take me by surprise
Will you be the one I had in mind?…

As they continued singing that line replayed in Caroline’s head over and over again. She wasn’t in love with Josh and she knew it. There were so many things keeping them from being in love, but with AJ it was just an instant click, an instant connection even that first night when they met. He looked over at her for a split second and her heart jumped. His eyes looked tired and sad. After playing Unsuspecting Sunday Afternoon and Everybody it was time for questions.

“Does anyone have a question for AJ?”Justin their tour assistant asked walking around with a microphone scanning the fans. He held the microphone up to a tiny blonde.

“This question is from all of the girls at mcleanfans.net we wanted to know since you broke up with Kaci are you still single?”the girl asked and everyone made the stupid ahhhh sounds. AJ looked down at the girl and laughed unsure of how to answer that.

“Me and Nick are riding on the singles bus…yes I am single. I thought something may work out, but I was wrong so unfortunately for me, not for you guys, I am still single.”he said looking back at Caroline as he finished. She turned away from him and shook her head.

“That’s okay because AJ is a good lookin guy right guys?”Nick said walking over to AJ petting his beard. “Besides looking like a grizzly.”Nick said and everyone screamed.

“Nick you can’t even grow facial hair so shut up.”AJ said rubbing Nick’s face to try to find at least some stuble.

“I know I’m jealous!”Nick said laughing.

“Alright how about a question for Brian……………………….


Caroline sat down in the backstage room waiting on Brian to come back in and take Baylee from her. She sat down at Brian’s computer and started surfing youtube. She felt like a stalker but she wanted to see what AJ was all about. She pulled up video after video after video of the boys messing around with each other and found herself laughing hysterically at their crazy antics not even noticing Brian had come in to get Baylee who was asleep on the couch. “What’s so funny?”he asked leaning over the chair to see the computer.

“You are.”she said showing him one of the parts from MTV Diary Funniest Backstreet moments.

“Oh geez…don’t you get enough of us?”he said pushing her out of the chair. “Move I got business to attend to.”

“Whatever have fun jacking off.”she said rolling her eyes as she walked out the door. She wandered her way onto the stage to see what was going on and saw AJ sitting on the edge of the stage with his legs Indian style so they weren’t hanging off the edge. He looked back at her as she walked up behind him. “Hey.”she said quietly giving him a side smile.

“Hey.”he said as she sat down beside him. She knew what she was doing now, today had helped her realize. She put her hands on his chest and pushed him backwards so he was laying on the stage and kissed him as his hands rubbed up her back.

“I’m sorry.”she said pulling away from him. He looked surprised and smiled at her.

“It’s okay…I pushed it. I didn’t ask you to marry me or anything I just want you to hang out with me you know…you don’t have to break up with him right now make sure I’m what you want first. I got a lot of baggage.”he said as she layed on top of him.

“I don’t care about your baggage.”she said as he ran his hands through her hair. “Let’s just see after this week where the world takes us.”

“Sounds good.”he said kissing her again.

“I’m leaving!”Caroline yelled to AJ as she stepped on his and Nick’s bus a few days later. It was time for her to leave back to Orlando, and she dreaded every minute of being alone.

“WAIT! I’m coming!”AJ said stumbling out the back of the bus focused on buckling his belt buckle. He looked up at her as he pulled his hoodie up over his hat and rubbed his eyes from being so tired. She wondered when he would stop wearing that damn hoodie.


“You excited to be getting back home?”he asked looking over at her as they made their way to the airport in the rental car.

“Oh yea I get to look forward to nights alone and a lot of Lost watching…”she said making him laugh. “While your out flirting with fans and doing shows everynight.”

“Hey you still got me to talk to…I know I can’t be there, but you know.”he said patting her on the leg as he turned into the airport parking lot. The hotel they were staying in was literally next door to the airport.

“I got it.”AJ said taking her bag from her rolling it in as he walked behind her. “Let’s go get you checked in.”he said pulling his sunglasses off of his face searching the airport for the American Airlines desk. He spotted it at the end of the room to the left and grabbed her hand as they walked towards it.

“I don’t know how you deal with people taking your picture all the damn time.”she said noticing the paparazzi outside the windows of the airport taking pictures of them. He shrugged and tried to ignore the people yelling his name through the glass.

“Do you have your papers ma’m?”a skinny short old man with glasses said as they stepped up to the desk. AJ pulled her papers out of his back pocket and handed them to the man. After a few minutes of typing her ticket printed out and she was on her way.

“I’ll miss you.”AJ said standing behind her as they waited in the baggage check in line. He wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed her on the cheek from behind. “I still want to see you after this you know that right?” She turned around and looked at him and tried to quickly change the subject, but he refused to let it go.

“It was just a week thing AJ no worries.”she said patting him on the shoulder. He looked down at her hand confused.

“No I want to see you again.”he said smiling.

“Good then come see me when you get time.”she said and his smile faded.

“That will be never…how about you come see me as soon as possible?”he asked pulling her into him as they neared the front of the line.

“We’ll work something out.”she said handing her baggage to the checker.

“You guys can stand over there if your not ready yet.”the man said pointing to a side station to the right of the baggage check in area.

“Call me when you get in okay?”AJ said and she thought that was sweet that he was worried about it.

“I will…”she said as he looked down at her. He only stood at 5’6’’ so he wasn’t that much taller than her 5’4’’ stature.

“I miss you already.”AJ said holding onto both of her hands as she smiled.

“You gotta get back for soundcheck…”she said looking up at the digital clock behind him. It was almost four oclock, he would be so late.

“I know.”he said and gave her a few quick kisses before pulling her into a hug. “Bye!”he said as she pulled away from him and walked back towards the baggage check in. She turned around and waved at him as he stood there waiting to make sure she got in okay.


“10,000 troops will be sent home early from the Baghdad area per the new agreement by George Bush. They are expected to be returning back to the states sometime in the early week…”the TV blared in Caroline’s kitchen as she set her coffee pot onto the stove burner. She looked up shocked as her phone rang and it read Josh’s name. He must be back in the states. This would not be good. To nervous to pick it up, she let him call and leave a voicemail.

“Hey baby…it’s me. I got sent back early I don’t know if you heard yet. I am in North Carolina getting debriefed so I should be back in the next few days. I can’t wait to see you.”the phone went silent and she held the phone to her chest breathing in hard while closing her eyes. She thought she had at least 11 months before he was returning. For the past 3 weeks, her and AJ had been talking a lot, just about everything and anything. She was really starting to fall for him and she hadn’t even begun to think of what she would say to Josh about the whole thing. As she was pulling on her jeans, taking the coffee pot off the burner her doorbell rang. She thought it best to just leave it, but they were persistant as they kept ringing it over and over.

“Surprise.”a deep raspy voice said from underneath a hooded black hat. She only knew one person with that sexy of a voice.

“HEY!”she basically yelled as she put her two hands on his face. He put his arm around her waist as he pulled her into a kiss and she closed the door behind her. As he continued to kiss her, she layed back on her couch.

“We flew back to Orlando for a few days to record some stuff for the new album…so instead of coming to see my mother I chose to see you.”he said making her laugh as he layed on top of her. “You look beautiful.”he said lifting himself up off of her hopping as he stood up.

“My house is a mess…”she said picking up some clothes off the ground. “I know its not anything like your use to.”

“I could care less about your house. I only care about seeing you.”he said making her smile as he pulled her into a hug. “I was gonna head to the studio you wanna go with me or you just want me to call you later or what?”

“Of course I wanna come with you!”she said giving him a silly look. She grabbed her pocket book off the counter along with her coffee thermos and followed him out the door.

“You could have just got some coffee from my house…”Caroline said stepping out of AJ’s black Range Rover. She handed him his coffee cup from Coffee Bean and shook her head.

“It just wouldn’t be the same.”he said smiling as he put his arm around her and walked her into the studio.

“Where’s everyone else?”she said seeing the empty studio room.

“Coming in later tonight. I wanted you to hear some of the stuff before they got here.”he said pulling out a chair for her to sit at the soundboard with him. He sat down next to her and began messing with the computers in front of him. “Let’s see what we got… This one’s my favorite.”he said quietly as the music began to play.

There’s me looking down at my shoes
The one smiling like the sun that’s you.
What were you thinking what was the song inside your heard

AJ looked over at her and smiled while putting his hand on her leg. “They want the chorus to be different, but this is the way I wrote it.”he said stopping the music.

If I’m a loser, or just unlucky
So are you…

Not everything is supposed to come true
Some words are best unsaid
Some love is not really love at all
I’d give everything I have to be with you
And that’s enough…
There’s us.

Caroline looked over at him and smiled because at that moment as the song kept playing she realized this song was them. The way he had written it. It was them. She would give up Josh and her job and her school and everything just to be with him everyday, even if that meant no privacy anymore. After only knowing each other for a month, this was so much more than she had ever had with anyone else. She didn’t know how he felt but she assumed this was the reason for letting her hear the song. “I think its great.”she said and he smiled kissing her on the cheek as he stood up to take a phone call. She watched him as he walked out into the hallway through the glass door talking to someone. He looked like he was stressed out as he put his hand up to his forehead and sighed as he hung up the phone. Her own phone was vibrating in her pocket but she just let it go.

“Everything okay?”she asked as he walked back in shaking his head.

“The guys aren’t coming in today…that was Nick. He got stuck in LA so we’re just gonna do everything tomorrow, which means my entire day tomorrow will be spent with the boys and not with you…”AJ said giving her a side smile.

“Well that’s okay….”she said smiling back at him as she stood up from her chair. “We’ll just make the most of tonight ya know?”she said looking down at her watch realizing it was already four in the afternoon.

“You wanna go see a movie or get something to eat or what? I’m not good at this date thing, don’t have much practice.”he said making her laugh.

“We could pick something up and rent a movie…”she said walking over to him putting her hands on his jacket pulling the hood a little bit. “And lay in my bed and watch it.”she said and he smiled raising his eyebrows with the “oh” look.

“That’s my girl.”he said laughing a little as he kissed her. “Let’s get outta here.”


Later that night after the hour Blockbuster extravaganza as people noticed who AJ was and he had to stop and take pictures with all of them they finally got to lay back in her bed. “I finally date a girl who likes Chinese food.”he said putting his plate down on the side table as he looked over at her. It was funny to see them laying in the bed like that. They looked like some old married couple.

“You’re lucky I don’t normally it fucks with my stomach.”she said pretending to throw up. He laughed at her and pulled her into him as he kissed her. “Are you not gonna watch the movie?”she asked as he kissed down her neck.

“Nope.”he said smiling at her as he rubbed his hand up her bare stomach. He put his hand on the rim of her panties and rubbed the top of them for a second before pulling them off of her legs. “You okay with this?”he asked putting his forehead up to hers.

“Yea.”she said kissing him as she unbuckled his blue jeans. He moved on top of her and slowly went inside as she breathed in deep. It had been a long time since she’d had sex.

“You’re beautiful.”he said leaning above her pushing some hair out of her face. She had always when she was younger imagined AJ as being aggressive and pushy when he was having sex just from the way he acted on stage, and she was right, normally he was, but for some reason he was taking it easy with her. He just wanted it to be right for her, not just sex for him.

“Caroline I have been calling your name for…Oh my God!”she heard as the door opened to her bedroom and there stood her Marine. He dropped the pack from his back with all of his clothes as he just stood there with his mouth open. Caroline pushed AJ off of her and they scrambled to put there clothes back on.

“Josh it’s not…”she said trying to find something to say. I mean they were in the middle of having sex when he opened the door. There was no way of getting around it. “I was gonna tell ya.”she said looking down at the floor.

“I leave for one fucking month and you start fuckin some gay ass Backstreet Boy.”Josh yelled pointing to AJ. AJ kept his mouth shut because this was between them for now. He just stood there in his boxers and DC hat watching the whole thing unfold.

“Josh Come on…it’s not like we were even gonna work out.”she said and his eyes got huge.

“I ASKED YOU TO MARRY ME!”he yelled getting closer to her face. She moved back from him until she was up against the wall. “AND I GO TO IRAQ AND COME BACK TO FIND MY WHORE OF A FIANCE GOD DAMMIT.”he yelled getting right in her face.

“Hey man back off!”AJ said running over and pushed him off of her.

“You back off man this is my business. I should be beating your ass right now.”Josh said turning around to AJ pushing him back. AJ rolled his eyes at Josh’s dramatics. Josh got into AJ’s face and pushed him again. AJ just took it and looked away from him getting more mad every second.

“STOP IT!”Caroline said pulling on Josh’s arm to get him away from AJ. Josh reached back and pushed her so hard she fell back on the floor.

“DON”T TOUCH HER!”AJ said pushing Josh back. That was the final breaking straw for him and they were soon rumbling on the floor. Josh took one final swing at AJ and left him laying on the floor. Josh was a Marine, meaning he had Marine training to kill, AJ was lucky he didn’t kill him as he layed there on the floor grabbing his stomach Josh kicked him once more before turning back to Caroline.

“Get your shit and get the hell outta my house!”Josh said throwing her shirt at her as he walked downstairs. Caroline crawled over to AJ who was still on the floor laying on his back in pain.

“Babe?”she said putting her hand on the side of his face as he looked up at her. “I’m sorry.”she said letting the tears rush out of her eyes. He slowly raised his hand to her face to lift her hair away from where she hit her head on the wall. It was slowly bleeding and he gave her a side smile to let her know he wasn’t mad at her.

“Are you okay?”he asked quietly because it hurt him to talk. They could hear the house being trashed downstairs. Dishes were being slammed, walls were being punched. They just needed to get what she needed and get out of there.

“I’m okay.”she lied and looked away from him as she tried to help him up. “We need to go.”she said pulling a bag out of her closet.

“Forget your stuff…I’ll buy you new clothes…and whatever else.”he said knowing they didn’t have much time before he came upstairs again. She looked over at him thinking how sweet that was and put his arm around her as she grabbed her pocket book and she helped him outside.

“When he cheats on you Caroline you remember who was here for you first! I won’t be here then you stupid bitch!”he yelled kicking the door behind them as they walked out.

“You gotta drive.”he said as he limped to the passenger door and threw her the keys. She sat down in the car and cranked it up. She back up out of the driveway and drove a little down the street, but stopped suddenly scaring the shit out of AJ as he wasn’t paying attention.

“Are you okay?”he asked narrowing his eyes as he looked over at her. As he put his hand on her leg she broke down. She couldn’t contain it anymore. The tears just flowed and she tried really hard to breathe normally. “Hey…hey it’s okay.”he said slowly holding his arms out to pull her into a hug. “Baby…you got me. It’s okay.”he said rubbing his hand up and down her back as he kissed her on the cheek. She looked up at him and pressed her lips to his, they were wet from her tears and tasted like salt. “It’s okay…you can stay at my place.”

Caroline~~

I remember that night well, that was when it all began. Well that’s the night when me and AJ began, he really wants me to start calling him Alex and I just can’t bring myself to do it. The only person that calls him that is his mother and sometimes Kevin when he’s being an asshole. I met him as AJ, I probably won’t ever be able to call him Alex…anyways sorry about the rant. That’s the night AJ asked me to move in with him and for like the past three weeks I have been living with him. Crazy, I know, that night we had stayed in a hotel room and he asked me to move out to his LA house with him, of course I said yes! I mean he knew I had no where to go so I just decided I would stay here until and when I can get my own place. Things are a little different now since we live together. He’s gone a lot and I understand that, that’s what I signed on for, but it gets lonely you know? I haven’t heard from Josh, but one time to tell me he was burning my clothes on the front lawn. I doubt that happened but who the hell knows. I had new clothes, new dogs, a new house that was frigin gigantic, and anything I could ever ask for. I heard the sound of Unmistakeable coming from the bed area as I layed back on my pillow.

“Hey babe.”the raspy voice said on the other end. He must be going through a tunnel or have no service because I could barely here him. “I’m just on the way back from the studio wanted to know what you want for dinner.”he said and I smiled. AJ was in the studio recording his first solo album and he has barely been home throughout these whole three weeks I have been here. He stays at the studio real late and sometimes doesn’t even come home at all.

“Doesn’t matter to me…just get whatever you think.”I said and he sighed. That made him angry and I knew it.

“I hate it when you say that.”he said and I knew he rolled his eyes.

“Well its because I really don’t care. If I did I would say what I wanted…just hurry up and get home. I miss you.”I said pulling on some pajama pants and a tshirt as I walked down the stairs.

“Be home soon.”he said and the line went dead. He’d become real testy lately and I had no idea where that was coming from. Am I happy? Of course, I am, I’m just trying to get use to everything. It’s all just so much to take in at one time.

~~AJ~~

GOD! Some of the things she does makes me just want to scream, like last week she took my keys and put them in a different place then I have ever put them before and I was looking for them for a pretty good amount of time before she came bopping out to tell me where she put them. I mean she’s wonderful, but some of the things she does I just want to strangle something. I feel bad because I haven’t really been there for here through this whole breaking up with her fiancé and moving to LA thing. I know it was a big deal, but she had nowhere to go and I figured it’d be a good chance for us to see how we could handle it and plus…well I knew I’d be lonely out here. I just wish I could be there for her more.

“Babe?”I said walking into the kitchen setting the to go bags down on the counter. I set my keys in the new designated key jar as she came walking around the corner. “Representing your boyfriend huh?”I said noticing her AJ Mclean shirt…one of the people form my website must have left some here.

“I kinda dig him.”she said smiling at me. “How was the studio?”

“Really awesome. I got a new song done today completely.”I said pulling the styrofome boxes out of the plastic bags.

“Can I hear it?”she asked taking her box from me sitting down at the kitchen table. We always tried to at least have dinner together without interruptions.

“Nope…not yet.”I said. It was about here so there was no way I was letting her hear it without the most opportune time.

“Come on.”she said as she took a bite of her pasta. I leaned down and kissed her on her forehead as I shook my head no. “I hate you.”she said and crossed her arms to pout.

“You’ll hear it soon enough.”I said sitting down in front of her.

“You smell like Jack…”she said narrowing her eyes at me. I had realized in the studio that a few drinks helped me to loosen up. I know that I went to rehab and it got really bad but I wasn’t doing anything horrible anymore. I could handle a “few” drinks.

“No I don’t.”I said shoveling the food into my mouth. I was starving. I had been at the studio since early this morning with no food.

“Yes you do.”she said insisiting that I agree with her. “You are so stupid.”

“Don’t call me fucking stupid. I am thirty years old if I wanna drink I will.”I said looking up at her. She was really starting to piss me off. I could control it.

“Not while I am here you won’t. I won’t let you. I know what happened before.”she said. I couldn’t help it. I was going to for the first time yell at her…it was the Jack Daniels coming out of me.

“ITS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.”I said slamming my hands down on the glass table in the kitchen. My fork flew across the room landing on the floor as silence filled the room.

“You know what fine then…do what you want but I won’t be a part of it.”she said and quietly got up from the table. GOD! She always started this shit with me for the past week that’s all she’s talked about. I have it under control!

After sitting there for a few minutes at the table thinking to myself I made myself get up and go find out what she was doing. As I walked into my bedroom I saw her outside with her cup of coffee looking over the balcony at the ocean view my house had.

“I’m sorry.”I said walking up behind her. My buzz had worn off by now and I was feeling a little tired.

“Just don’t.”she said holding her hand up to stop me. I guess I am going to have to apologize.

“Babe come on.”I said wrapping my arms around her waist from behind holding onto her as the wind blew in our faces from the west.

“I just worry about you AJ.”she said turning around to face me as I kept holding onto her. I liked holding her it made me feel like this was right what we were doing. We had gotten so much shit from people for moving in together so quickly, but I just don’t think they got it. They didn’t get us. We were different.

“You don’t have to.”I said kissing her slowly as I rubbed my right hand up her back. “I won’t do it anymore.”I said. I knew I was lying, but I had to get her off my back somehow.


~~CAROLINE~~

I don’t know if I should trust him or not. I’ve heard horror stories of how he acted before, but that was like six years ago. I have never been an alcoholic myself, but I’m sure he could handle it. “Promise?”I said looking up at him. I wanted to believe those puppy dog eyes so much, but I just couldn’t.

“I promise.”he said pulling me into a hug. “And I’m sorry that I yelled at you.”he said poking his fingers in my sides trying to get me to laugh.

“It’s okay.”I said giving him a slight smile. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I gotta leave for London tomorrow to do a show…for my promo stuff. Then I come back and play at New York day after tomorrow. I gotta stay out there to work with the guys on the new Backstreet record for a few days after that.”he said and I sighed. I was sick of him being gone. I let it go so we wouldn’t start fighting again.

“What time?”I asked following him as he walked back in the house towards the bathroom.

“Time for you to get naked.”he said making me laugh. He said some stupid shit sometimes. He turned on the faucets to the bathtub and watched the tub slowly fill up.
He pulled off his bluejeans and tshirt, he left his skull cap on, of course. I think I’ve seem him maybe ten times without a hat on his head. His hairline did not bother me, but it bothered him for sure, I really did think it was sexy I wasn’t lying about that.

“Why aren’t you wearing underwear?”I asked noticing he had gone commando all day.

“Makes me more creative.”he said laughing as he stepped into the bathtub. He stood there for a few minutes bouncing back and forth with half his legs in the water. It must be hot. “You getting in?”he asked. I really didn’t feel like getting wet and everything, but I did feel like making out with that sexy face of his. I had never really liked liked sex before. I mean it was okay, not everything everyone had built it up to be, but AJ REALLY liked sex so I have grown to like it especially with him. He takes care of me during it, it’s not all about him.

“Yeah.”I said pulling off my pants and shirt. He held out his hand for me as I tiptoed in beside him. We both sat down as he turned on the jets and leaned back. “I don’t want you to leave me.”I said as he turned to light the candles beside him.

“I don’t wanna leave either, but I have to. This record has to sell for us babe.”he said turning back to me. I knew it was important to him beyond belief to prove that he could do this on his own. Nick had tried…it was semi successful so I hear. If Nick could do it, AJ sure as hell could do it, but I know he doubts himself. I haven’t heard any of the new stuff at all. He won’t let me until he plays the two shows here in LA next week.

~~AJ~~

I couldn’t stress to her enough how much I needed this record to take off. I didn’t want to leave LA again, but I had to get my music out to the people across seas. They were always more receptive to us over there. Music in the states these days is so produced and it’s all got a hot beat behind it, no real lyrics, you know what I’m talking about. Over in Europe though they love them some boybands…ew I can’t believe I just thought that in my head. That was country. I need to stop talking to Brian. She reached down into my crotch area and started playing with me as I smiled. I raised my eyebrows and lowered them fast letting her know I liked it. “Come here.”I said pulling her arm so she got closer to me. She kissed me softly as I put my hands around her chest. I loved when we had sex. She was so into it recently, more so than she had been previously when we first started doing it. Then again, I love all sex. I have an addictive personality if you haven’t guessed.

The next morning:

“I’m gonna miss you baby.”I said standing by the bed in my black shirt and jeans. I tied my bandana around my neck as I turned around to the mirror.

“You’re gonna be busy. I will have nothing to do so think of that when you’re feeling sorry for yourself.”she said sitting up in the bed. It was only five AM so there was no need for her to get up.

“Oh be quiet and get a hobby.”I said leaning down to give her a kiss. She pulled me down on the bed and continued to kiss me. “I gotta get to the airport baby.”I said pulling away from her as she tried to keep me there.

“Boooo.”she yelled like a freakin five year old as I picked up one of my bags. She jumped out of bed behind me and followed me out into the foyer where the front door was. “Call me when you get in.”she said smiling as I set my bags down to say goodbye to her.

“You know I will.”I said picking her up off the ground in a hug. I breathed in deep the smell of her hair so I could remember it while I was in Europe and get through the day. I kissed her on her cheek and picked up my bag from the floor. “It’s only a week babe.”I said and turned to walk out the door. She ran up behind me and grabbed my arm and turned me back around to kiss her. “Bye.”I said as she shut the door behind me and I saw the lights turn out from underneath the door.

~~AJ~~


“Good to hear from you since you were supposed to call me last night when you got in. I’ve been worried all day.”Caroline said sighing. I was supposed to call her when I got in, but I got a little too drunk on the flight and I couldn’t let her know that. She’d be able to tell from my slurred words. The music playing behind me was so loud I could barely hear her. I was playing in a smaller venue so to get away from the noise of them setting up I’d have to go outside and I couldn’t do that because all of the people waiting to get in. I was stuck.

“Sorry babe. I went straight to do an interview and a TV interview after that…”I said trying to play it off.

“It’s okay…how’s London?”she asked yawning. I must have woken her up from a nap.

“Rainy and cold. It really sucks…wish I was beside you looking out at the nice sunny beach.”I said and she laughed lightly.

“It’s raining here too babe.”she said and I smiled. At least I wasn’t the only one experiencing this shitty day.

“What are you gonna do today?”I asked walking towards my dressing room in the back of the venue.

“Ehhhh I was thinking about going through all your Backstreet Boys stuff here and watching the old concerts…it will take me back to my teen years.”she said laughing. “Maybe like the Disney concert…I got nothing better to do.”

“Maybe you should update it a little bit. It’d be nice if you knew some of our new stuff.”I said pulling out my bottle of Jack Daniels from the refrigerator pouring myself a double shot…I know…I know…I needed it before the stage to loosen up. I say that a lot don’t I. I pulled the phone away from my mouth as I downed the shot and wiped my mouth. She was still talking about something I didn’t hear a word she said.

“AJ?...Are you listening?”she said. I knew she would catch on. God she was good at that.

“Of course I’m listening…but listen I gotta go my show starts soon and I need to warm up. I’ll call you later okay. I miss you.”I said pouring another shot.

“I miss you too good luck!”she said sighing. I closed the phone and looked down at the shot. Was I really going to do this to myself again? I knew I had no control over it. I had already started the beast up again. There was nothing stopping me from it, not across seas. No matter how much I didn’t want to do it, for her, not even for myself, but for her I couldn’t stop it. It had begun again.

~~CAROLINE~~

AJ has a whole closet dedicated to all of his Backstreet Boys stuff, ever since I moved in, I always wanted to look through it. It’s not that he didn’t want me to look at it, I just felt it would be awkward to do it with him. I figured now would be a good time. As I searched through all the old magazines and picture albums I stumbled across a black notebook marked Rehab and pulled it out. I know I shouldn’t be reading it, but how was he ever going to know. I scrambled through the pages and stopped on a random one:

Day 27:

I can’t believe I actually put myself through this. I’m really proud of everything I’ve accomplished over these past few weeks. I can’t wait to tell my mom and Sarah about everything they will be so proud. Sarah especially…as I’ve wrote before I’m really ashamed of myself for getting her into everything that I did, making her try the coke with me that night is that worst thing I’ve ever done in my life. I just hope she’s okay back at home and nothing screws up the wedding.

Wait AJ was getting married to some girl named Sarah? I know this is like six years old, but gosh. I shouldn’t be reading this I thought as I closed the book back and leaned back against the closet sighing. I actually felt a little bad about going through his private stuff.

~~AJ~~

WHEW! First show over and done with! The fans were really receptive even though I was drunk off my ass. I guess they couldn’t tell, or maybe they could, and I just couldn’t tell they knew it. It was probably that way.

“What’s up man?”I said walking into my dressing room. One of my good friends from over here in London had come to the show and was waiting for me in the back room. When I say good friend, I mean he use to be my drug dealer, that’s who all my old friends are.

“Nothing much man how’s things?”he asked giving me the guy hand shake. He pulled out a bag of white powder and set it down on the table.

“What’s that for?”I asked staring at him in shock.

“Just a little present for my boy since I haven’t seen you in so long.”he said pushing the bag my way.

“There’s a reason you haven’t seen me.”I said pushing the bag back to him.

“Okay man whatever don’t take it.”he said standing up.

“I just can’t man. I got a girl back home and if she found out…man I’d be up shit creek.”I said pulling off my shirt to replace it with a new one.

“It’s all cool man…listen we’re gonna head to one of the bars later on if you wanna go.”he said handing me a piece of paper with his number on it.

“I’ll give you a call.”I said and he waved as he walked out the door. I looked back at the bag on the table. He had left it there on purpose and I hadn’t said anything about it on purpose.

LATER THAT NIGHT:

As I sat there in my bed holding out my cellphone I looked back and forth at the bag of cocaine and my phone. Was I going to make the choice to call my friend or was I going to make the smart choice and just go to sleep? Who am I kidding? I slowly dialed his numbers noticing I had SEVERAL and when I say several I mean ten missed calls from Caroline. Chris, my “friend”, answered and told me which bar they were in and I said I would meet them soon. I was too tired to even think as I put the baggie from the table into my pocket. I picked up my hotel key and walked out from my room towards the elevator pulling out my phone to call Caroline back. Better to call her now than later, who the hell knows what I could be into by then.

“Glad you could make it man.”Chris said pulling me into a hug while shaking my hand. I looked around the bar/club at all of the people, all staring at me. Well not all of them, but enough to make me uncomfortable. “I left my stuff in that room today…you know what man just have it.”he said as I reached for my pocket bringing the baggie out onto the table. He reached for it and sliced the top open with his knife and took a little out and put it on the table. Why I agreed to come tonight I will never know, but as I put my nose to the table I regretted every second of pulling that powder into my nose. I remembered the rush that it gave me before. I guess that’s what I was looking for and now seconds later I can’t even remember why I had stopped using. I was right back where I started at.

“Let me get you a beer.”Chris said pulling me to the bar with him. My head was spinning and I was having a hard time staying up on the bar stool already.

~~CAROLINE~~

What a jerk! I told him to call me after he got back from the show to his hotel and still now at one oclock in the morning nothing but a missed call from him. I try to call him back and no answer. Asshole. Asshole. Asshole. I leaned back on the bed turning on the television and was soon caught up in my own memories thinking about my past.

****
“You know what Josh if you keep doing that they are going to find out and they WILL kick you out of the Marines!”Caroline yelled as he snorted the last bit of cocaine off the table.

“Babe I just need a little pick me up. I can stop whenever I want.”Josh said looking up at her wiping his nose to get rid of the excess powder.

“Yea well when I need a pick me up I drink a RedBull not take an eight ball of cocaine.”she said rolling her eyes at him. It had become a daily habit for him and it was getting real old real fast.

“You know what! If you don’t like it you can just move out!”Josh said standing up fast as he rushed over to get in her face. She guessed the coke must have kicked in. He got pretty violent when it first reached his brain.

“Get out of my fucking face!”she yelled pushing him away from her.

“I want you to stop telling me what to do.”he said getting closer to her pushing her up against the wall.

“You know maybe I will just move out. This is ridiculous.”she said trying to walk away from him. He grabbed her arm and squeezed it hard as he flipped her back around to look at him.

“Let go of me.”she yelled trying to pull her arm out of his grip. He let go of her, but pushed her down onto the floor as he walked past her.

****

“Hey Caroline.” Brian said as the phone pushed me out of my thoughts and I zoned back in on the TV. I hadn’t heard from them in a while

“What’s up stranger?”I said and he laughed a little.

“Listen will you just call Leighanne and say you miss her or something. She’s all sad because she hasn’t talked to you in a while.”Brian said and I smiled. I missed talking to her. She was the one I always called when something went wrong. I mean she was my family.

“Yea Bri…just hand the phone to her and tell her I called you.”I said and I heard him start mumbling something to her a few minutes later.

“What do you want?”she said and I rolled my eyes at her bitchiness.

“I’m sorry Leigh. I miss you…I don’t want you to be mad at me.”I said sucking up my pride and apologizing.

“It’s okay girl. I’m just worried about you. AJ is a good guy, but he has no self control. We’ve seen it happen to a lot of girls and you’re my neice I don’t want anything to happen to you.”she said sighing.

“Leigh everything is fine. I promise. He’s really great.”I said.

“I just want you to know that if anything ever happens with him and Caroline it will. You always have a place here with us in Georgia and when it does happen call Kevin so he can take care of it. Promise me you will do that.”Leighanne said. She was freaking me out. What was so horrible about him that everyone was so against us?

~~AJ~~

I am trying real hard to hold my eyes open right now. I had to have drunk about a fifth of Jack along with taking two more heads of coke. It’s 3AM and I am more hammered than I ever remember being before. Usually at this point in time I would wash down two Xanax, I decided to leave those out tonight.

“Can I buy you a drink?”a girl with long brown hair asked sitting down next to me at the bar.

“Sure…if youuh.”I stammered but couldn’t even finish the sentence. She ordered a Jack and Coke and pushed it towards me.

“AJ right?”she said putting her hand down on my leg. Straight forward I like that.

“Yea.”I said nodding at her looking down at her hand.

“My name is Jenny. I’ve been trying to get up the courage to come by and talk to you all night.”she said rubbing her hand up my leg.

“Picked a good time sweetheart.”I said looking up at her. “I’ve got a girlfriend though ya know.”I said suddenly remembering Caroline who was probably sound asleep in my bed. I could feel my head slowly going down onto the bar and I was out.

“Caroline hey babe wake up.”I said nudging the body beside me. I was still drunk from last night.

“Who’s Caroline?”she said and I did not know that voice. I hopped out of bed as I didn’t see the blonde hair I was so used to. I had forgotten I was in London. HOLY SHIT!!!! I picked up my clothes realizing I wasn’t even in my own hotel room. The girl in the bed rolled over to look back at me. WHOA!! She was not even in the least bit attractive oh my good Lord.

“Listen if you tell anyone about this I will sue you so quick your head will spin.”I said pulling on my shoes as I almost fell over. I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible. I wonder how many pictures had been taken with me and that girl and how long it would take for them to get out onto the internet.

“I wouldn’t.”she said falling back onto her pillow. I didn’t even say anything else. I grabbed my cellphone off the bedside table and stumbled out the door. I pulled out my cellphone to see what time it was as I leaned up against the wall outside of the hotel room. GOD DAMMIT! I had missed my flight. I dialed the number of my manager to have her get me on the next flight out and ran back to my hotel room a few floors down

NEW YORK CITY:

Tonight was the night the boys, as in boys I mean Backstreet, would hear all of my solo stuff. I was scared I remember being in the opposite position when Nick had his solo tour and we all came to see him. He was scared shitless of what we would think and I now knew how he must have felt. It’s weird going out on your own, but even weirder when your band mates are there to watch you perform without them. As I took the stage I looked to the side where the boys were standing to watch. Brian gave me this stupid thumbs up sign and made a weird face to go along with it making me laugh.

“What is up New York CITY?!?”I yelled into the microphone of the House of Blues doing my very best KISS impersonation. “Okay well as you may already know...my brothers are here tonight watching me play…I know I know.”I said trying to get all of the screams to stop. I put my hand up to my nose noticing something was dripping onto my bottom lip. As I pulled my hand away I noticed…my fucking nose was bleeding. “Give me one second.”I said to the crowd as I walked off stage on the opposite side the boys were on and leaned my head back plugging my nose with a towel. After a few minutes of standing there I walked back onstage, my nose had stopped bleeding, but I knew what the boys were thinking. Although they were right, I was determined to keep it from them this time.

“Anyways…”I said smiling. “I wanna dedicate this next song to them. I think they probably know this one well.”I said as the piano notes to Incomplete started behind me.
“It’s called…Incomplete.”I said nodding to the boys.

After the show:

“Really really good man!”Howie said pulling me into a hug backstage. I wiped the sweat from my face and lifted up my hat looking at the other guys. I saw Leighanne hiding behind Brian and I wondered why she hadn’t said anything.

“Talk to Caroline lately?”I said looking around Brian to make eye contact with her.

“Talked to her last night. She said she hadn’t heard from you.”Leighanne said shrugging. She wouldn’t look me in the eyes, and I knew she knew what I was doing. She wasn’t going to say anything until Brian caught on, but she knew it.

“Cool…yea I should call her in a bit.”I said sighing. “Can you guys give me a minute to take a shower and stuff I’ll meet you back at the place for dinner?”I said and Leighanne rolled her eyes. How were girls so intuitive? I just don’t get it. They always knew what we were doing when it was wrong. They agreed and I walked back towards my backstage room, pulling out the white baggie from my pocket. I spread some white powder on the counter and used the CD case beside me to put it into a line shape. As I leaned my nose down and took the first hit I heard the door open behind me.

“What the FUCK AJ?!?”Brian yelled as I turned back to look at him. I knew the coke had smeared across my cheek. Brian’s face turned red, this was a rare sight, Brian was NEVER and I mean NEVER mad.

“Brian shut the damn door!”I yelled pointing my finger at him as I turned back to the table. The coke was beginning to hit me and I could feel my heart speeding up. He slammed the door behind and walked over to me slapping my coke off of the table onto the floor.

“YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!”he yelled pulling me up by my collar.

“It’s not like before Bri chill.”I said rolling my eyes.

“This IS how it began!!”he said pushing me up against the wall. “How could you do THIS!!!” I looked away from him unable to look in his eyes. The truth was I didn’t know, and I didn’t know why I did it either. It was just happening all over again.

“Don’t tell her.”I said quietly and he looked over at me squinting my eyes. “I love her dude don’t tell her.” He let go of my shirt and let me slink back against the wall. I had never told her I loved her, but it was important for Brian to know how important she was to me.

“If you loved her you wouldn’t be doing this.”Brian said and walked out the door slamming it behind him.


~~CAROLINE~~

YAY!!! So excited because its finally time to see AJ. I’d been missing him this past week. I hadn’t talked to him that much since he’d been gone. I attributed it to him being busy…what else could it be? I rubbed on my final bit of eyeliner and stepped out of his Range Rover as I drove up to the House of Blues in LA. I was actually kind of nervous. I wondered what he would look like. He changed his look at least once a week it seemed haha. I put my backstage pass around my neck and walked into the venue. As I was showing my pass to the body guards I saw him sitting on the stage looking down at the ground with his legs hanging off the side. I wondered what he was so nervous about. He looked weird as he was rubbing his hands together. Maybe he was nervous about seeing me too.

“BABE!!”I said waving at him as I walked over. He hopped down from the stage and smiled as he walked over to me grabbing me around the waist to pull me into a kiss.

“God I missed you.”he said as he kissed me smiling in between each time our lips touched.

“Your shirts crazy!”I said looking at his cheetah print wife beater. “But it makes your arms look sexy.”I said and he grabbed me by the ass cheeks pulling me up off the floor. I put my arms around his neck as he kissed me slowly. I noticed the taste of Jack on his breath, but ignored it. I was to happy to see him to be fighting with him. He slammed me up against the wall still holding me up by my butt.

“Want me to do you right here?”he said holding his forehead up to mine as I wrapped my legs around his waist.

“Too many people around.”I said looking around all of the roadies already staring at us getting an eyeful.

“Who cares?”he asked unbuttoning my pants button. I let go of my legs to stand in front of him. He must have been drunk to be okay with doing that with all those people watching.

“Baby come on…”I said as he continued to kiss my neck.

“Alex?”a male voice said from behind us. I had never heard that voice before and he practically made me fall down he let go of me so fast. There was silence between the two of them, an unprecedented type of silence. I assumed they knew each other, they resembled each other slightly.

~~AJ~~

Wow…wow that’s all I can say right now.

“Caroline this is my father.”I said staring down at my shoes. I couldn’t even look at him. My dad had walked out on my mom and I when I was two years old. He came back when I was 22 and I hadn’t seen him until this day. I had told Caroline the whole story, just never showed her any pictures. She looked up at me awkwardly and my Dad just kept staring at me. I wanted him to speak up because I had nothing to say.

“I heard you were playing here tonight…thought I’d stop by and see your show.”he said fumbling to get his hands into his pocket.He should be nervous. He’s lucky I don’t punch him in his God damned face right now. I didn’t say anything back to him. I had nothing to say he was in and out of my life so much. The first time he came back was right in the middle of the Backstreet glory days and when I wouldn’t give him any money he walked right back out. I figured today would be the same.

“I’ll be in your dressing room.”Caroline said tugging on my shirt. I couldn’t even turn to look at her. I wanted to know what my dad wanted.

“What is it that you want? I don’t have any money to give.”I said and he looked away from me. I could see the water forming in his eyes. My father was going to cry about something.

“I don’t want your money son.”I cringed at the thought of him calling me that. Kevin had been more of a father to me than he was. “I think we should just sit down and talk. Try to see where we went wrong….

~~CAROLINE~~

About fifteen minutes later the door slammed open and AJ walked into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him. He stayed in there for not even a half a minute and walked out without even flushing the toilet.

“Are you okay?”I asked as he walked out rubbing his nose a little. He twitched a few times and looked over at me.

“Fine.”he said walking past me to look in the mirror. He put one of his hands on the table in front of the mirror and used the other to apply his eyeliner.

“You don’t look fine…”I said pushing him. I knew if I did eventually he would crack.

“Because I’m not Caroline, I just ran into my Dad I have not seen in like seven years. What do you want me to say God Dammit!”he yelled sitting back in the makeup chair sighing.

“You don’t have to yell I’m just worried about you.”I said narrowing my eyebrows. What the hell was his problem? He had never been this snappy with me before.

“Can you just go get us something to drink from the coffee shop next door.”he said holding out twenty dollars for me to take.

“Fine.”I said snatching the bill out of his hand. If he was going to an asshole, I could sure as shit be a bitch right back. I slammed the door behind me and walked towards the coffee shop all the while watching all of these hardcore Backstreet fans hanging out outside the venue. Some of them had even camped out to get front row to AJ’s show.
As I returned back to the venue AJ was layed out on the couch with his eyes closed. I guess he was going to take a nap before the show. I switched on the television and started to watch whatever happened to be on.

****

“Move with me to LA then…”AJ said after a few minutes of laying back on the hotel bed.

“You are so crazy. I’m not just going to pick up my shit and move to LA with you! Oh my gosh!”Caroline said laughing as she rolled into his arms looking up at him.

“Well I want you to.”he said kissing Caroline on the forehead. “I want you to feel safe.”she looked into those dark brown eyes and there was no way she could say no.

“What to do about Josh then?”she asked sitting up leaning back on the headboard.

“Leave your shit. I’ll buy you everything new it will be like starting all over again.”he said and his glance shifted to the tiny bottles of liquor in the hotel refrigerator. This was the first time she noticed his problem was starting again.

****

~~AJ~~

I couldn’t tell her what I was doing…or better yet what I did while I was gone to London. God I was trying to block that out of my memory. I was planning on quitting last night when Brian saw me but after seeing my Dad…I just needed something to keep me stable. I had went into that bathroom and put the coke on the toilet seat and snorted it right off of it. I looked up at her as I woke up from the nap. I am such an asshole. This would make two times I had yelled at her in the past week. I could only for see this getting much worse. When I sent her to the coffee shop I had drank another half of my Jack Daniels bottle so I was struggling to keep a sober face in front of her.

“AJ! You are supposed to be in uniform already! Everyone is waiting on you!”Danny my manager said walking into the room yelling.

“Sorry…..sorry.”I said rolling my eyes as I got up and changed into a different outfit.

“Well hurry up…you watching from the stage? Just come with me.”Danny said grabbing Caroline’s hand pulling her out the door. I looked in the mirror at my saggy eyes and pulled on my hat. As I walked through the hallway to the stage I waved at Caroline who was positioned on the other side and smiled. She was so beautiful. Everytime I walk on stage from here on out I hope she’s on the other side. After playing London and a few other of my songs it was time to do what would be the hardest thing for me in a long time.

“So this next song as we take it low now is going to be a little bit hard for me…”I said looking to the side as I grabbed onto the microphone seeing my Dad in the balcony. “My Dad’s actually here tonight and um I had a chance to talk to him a little bit before the show. Its been an unfortunate circumstance that we’ve kept in touch lost touch…kept in touch lost touch…and I’m partially to blame for that myself, but over the past couple of years while writing my album I wanted to write a song about what I would say to my dad if he were right in front of me…and um when I wrote this song I wrote it with with Dan Mukavel in Los Angeles and I found out a little bit more about Dan than I knew before because Dan had written with the Backstreet Boys but I never got to work with him one on one, but when I did I found out that, you know, he had his own situation with his father as well…so this is Sincerely Yours…this is going to be an interesting one for me today…”I paused and breathed in deep looking down at the floor. I looked over at Caroline who gave me an encouraging side smile and began to sing.

< http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dfcz_i6L0OI > See the full performance here!

Finally I knew why I was the way I was…it was because of him.

~~CAROLINE~~

AJ had went out after the show with his DAD, I know he didn’t want to, but I had convinced him how important it would be. He may never get another chance to do that. I didn’t know the whole story between them. He didn’t talk about it much and when he did it very little. All I knew was that his Dad had left a hole in him that had left him broken and I would never get to know him fully until that was resolved. I closed my eyes as I heard the door shut in the front of the house. He was home, and to be honest I was afraid to know how it went. If it went horrible it would ultimately be my fault, and I wasn’t in the mood to fight about it. We sure had been fighting lately. I was kinda getting sick of it. In the dark I could hear him unzipping his pants and sighing as he pulled off his shirt and shoes. He climbed into bed next to me and yanked the covers away from me. Ass. I turned over to look at him because something was obviously going on with him.

“I don’t understand why you have to have that damn fan on. It’s like a God Damn freezer in this house.”he said loudly out of nowhere. I said nothing and pretended to be asleep. “I know your awake I can see your eyes open.”he said and I noticed he was facing me. I had originally thought he was the opposite way.

“What’s your problem?”I asked quietly not understanding why he was now choosing this to be the time to bring that random fact up. I was naturally hot by nature all the time and needed the air really low, but he knew that and most of the time was okay with it.

“Nothing…forget it.”he said turning away from me pulling the covers up over him to cover his whole body. He was drunk I assumed. This was getting real old, real fast. I jumped as my phone rang next to me. Why would my mother be calling me at one in the morning? “Turn that shit off!”AJ groaned as I picked up the phone and walked out the room.

“What is it mother?”I said sighing as I stood up against the wall. My mother and I didn’t have the best of relationships. I mean we were civil, but she had always been so much more receptive to my brother because he was fucking perfect. Straight A’s blah blah whatever.

“I need you to come back to Orlando honey.”she said in her usual condescending tone. When she said honey, what she really meant was I am calling you because I have to daughter that I hate.

“Why? I’m staying out here.”I said. When I had first told her about moving to LA with AJ she had had a fit and called Leighanne and bitched her out for bringing me into her lifestyle. This was not what she wanted for her little girl. It may be okay for her brother in law’s child, but not for hers.

“Caroline something happened with your Dad.”she said and my heart skipped a beat. My Dad was my heart and soul. They had been divorced for years and my mother had taken everything from him. He was a police officer in the Lake Buena Vista area and was loved by the whole community. He was just all around a great guy. He was there for me when my mother wasn’t. I guess that’s why I was so into AJ reconciling with his father.

“Are you there?”my mom asked. I guess I must have been sitting there in silence for a while.

“What happened mom?”I said sighing as I heard AJ rumbling around in the bathroom looking for something.

“Your Dad was sort of in a shoot out accident.”she said and I swallowed hard. “He didn’t make it.”I hit end on my IPhone and leaned back against the wall. How could this be happening right now? I hadn’t seen my Dad since I moved out here a month ago and I guess I just thought I had the whole rest of my life to see him. My phone rang beside me as my mother called me back. I just couldn’t bare to talk to her. I knew she wasn’t even really that upset, but I was about to lose it. I rubbed the first tear off of my cheek as AJ rounded the corner turning the light on in our bedroom.

“What are you doing?”he asked looking down at me. I didn’t want to look at him. He had been such a douschbag since he walked in. I didn’t even want him to console me. “What’d your mom want? Bitch at you some more for moving with me?”he said squatting down in front of me. His face changed from a cocky smile to a frown as he noticed I wasn’t laughing.

“My Dad died.”I said looking down at the floor. I guess I must have been in shock because I wasn’t in hysterics yet. As I looked up at AJ something was wrong with his eyes. They were very black. Not the eyes I was used to looking into. I guess they were larger than normal. Something was up. I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything else about it. AJ pulled me into a hug and I slowly began to cry as he sat on the floor in the hall holding onto me.

“I gotta get back to Florida.”I said slowly pulling away from him.

“I’ll take care of it.”he said kissing me on the forehead as he stood up and walked into his office. I guess he was going to buy me a plane ticket. I was still to stunned to move as I remembered the last time I had talked to my Dad. AJ had went with me to say goodbye to him before I moved.

****

“Hey Daddy.”I said walking into his office in the police station. He looked up behind me at AJ looking him up and down. He didn’t understand the tattoos or the eyeliner and I knew that’s what he was thinking about.

“Who’s this you got with ya honey?”he asked holding his hand out for AJ to shake.

“I’m AJ sir.”he said smiling as he shook my Dad’s hand.

“He’s in the same group as Leigh’s husband. We met when I went to babysit Baylee…He wants me to move to California with him.”I said looking down at the floor. If he was upset, he would never tell me, but I could tell in his facial expression he was sad.

“And you’re going to take care of my daughter?”he asked looking back up at AJ. Awww.

“The best I can.”AJ said putting his arm around me as I looked up at him. My Dad smiled at him and looked over at me.

“Son can you give me a few minutes with my daughter? There’s a few chairs right outside my office if you wanna hang out ther.”he said looking up at AJ. AJ stepped out of the room and sat in a chair where he could still see inside. I knew he was curious if I my Dad was going to yell. He wasn’t going to. He just wanted to interrogate me.

“Now where did this come from honey?”he said as I sat down in a chair in front of him.

“Dad I just met when I went to babysit and I can’t see another day without him. He has a house here in Orlando, but he’s at the one in California more often since they are recording a new CD and all. I just I can’t let him slip away from me. You have to understand that.”I said looking up at him hopeful he would understand.

“Baby you always did wear your heart on your sleeve. He doesn’t do drugs or anything does he?”he asked and I laughed.

“I don’t think so Dad, look past his exterior, he’s a sweet guy.”I said looking over at him sitting there outside twittling his thumbs around.

“Well baby if your happy that’s all that matters. I’ll just miss you while your gone.”he said and I stood up from t he table to give him a hug. He must have waved AJ in while I was hugging him because the door opened as I let go.

“Take good care of my daughter son. She deserves a good man.”my dad said shaking AJ’s hand again.

“I know she does.’AJ said looking down at me smiling.

****

“We’re going to leave at 9 in the morning tomorrow.”AJ said popping up around the corner.

“We?”I asked. I wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to come.

“Well yea…I wanna be there for you.”he said and I smiled. There was my boyfriend. Now he was acting normal.

~~AJ~~

As we stepped out of the car pulling up to Caroline’s mother’s house, I have to admit I am scared. I have heard her fight with her mother on the phone before and it wasn’t pretty. She did NOT like the fact that she was living with me, or even the fact that she was dating me. I still can’t quite figure that out. I have millions and I could take care of her daughter better than anyone she has probably ever met, but yet she STILL doesn’t want her to be with me. I could tell she was nervous as she rang the doorbell. She does this thing with her hands like rubbing her fingers together whenever she’s real nervous. I noticed that about her.

“Hey sweetheart.”a blonde shaggy haired guy said pulling her into a hug as the door opened into an enormous foyer. Her mothers house was giving mine a run for its money. She must have got one hell of a divorce settlement.

“AJ this is my brother Shane. Shane this is AJ.”she said and I shook her brother’s hand. He gave me the look around. I guess I shoulda dressed differently for this sort of thing. I mean I had a red dress shirt on and a tie, but I still had my DC hat on.

“Nice to meet you man.”Shane said letting go of my hand.

“You too.”I said stepping in the door behind him. He looked a little shocked to be honest.

“Hello mother.”Caroline said a short skinny blonde woman said walking out of the kitchen. She seriously, oh my God, she had on a business suit.

“Caroline…and you must be Alex.”she said pushing past Caroline. She held her hand out for me to shake and I barely held onto her hand.

“Nice to meet you.”I said looking her over as she did the same to me. She hated me already.

“Come with me… Shane show Alex his room.”she said brushing me off as she pulled Caroline into the kitchen with her. I could hear the talking between them slowly erupt into a loud yelling as Shane showed me into one of the many guestrooms.

“So there is a Backstreet Boy standing in my house…that’s a new one to tell the friends.”Shane said looking up at me as I set my bag down on the bed. I laughed a little. “How is she taking it?”

“Okay I guess. Last night she had a break down, but today she hasn’t really cried yet.”I said sitting down on the bed as he stood staring at me with his arms crossed.

“She was real close with our Dad…just make sure she’s okay for me please.”he said and I nodded to let him know I understood. “I gotta go get my suit ready for later.”he said and walked slowly out the door as he put his hands in his pockets.

~~CAROLINE~~

“…What is our family going to think when you show up with someone that looks like that?!?”my mom yelled for the fiftieth time. She had repeated this sentence at least that many times, probably more.

“For the hundredth time Mom, I don’t give a shit. He’s a God Damn rockstar. He can dress how he wants!”I said rolling my eyes. “I’m over talking about this.”

“You won’t marry him Caroline. I’ll make sure of it.”she said and I laughed inside at how ridiculous that statement was. What was this The Young and Restless? Ha God.

“Over it! There is no reason why you could say anything about him…so he likes to wear eyeliner and black GET OVER IT! He’s a celebrity mom…makes more money than you could probably even fathom…and despite all the temptations that go along with that lifestyle he manages to stay normal and still be a good man.”I said sighing as I crossed my arms and looked over at her.

“You’re Dad would NEVER approve of this relationship Caroline!”she yelled at me pointing her finger in my face.

“Dad likes him! We went by the police station before I moved.”I said looking away from her.

“You know this is so typical of you…you can’t just date the normal one you have to pick the one that looks the most ridiculous . Why can’t you just follow the crowd? Just like how you didn’t finish college…always disappointing.”she said and I felt the tears rise into my eyes. I knew she always thought that about me, but she’d never said it outloud. Harsh.

“You’re a horrible mother.”I muttered trying to not let her see me cry. Then she would have one up on me, and she would know it.

“I’m not hearing this anymore…go get ready for your Dad’s funeral.”she said coldly as she turned around to the counter. I walked upstairs seeing AJ’s black chuck tailors first at the top of the stairs before I saw him. He had heard the whole conversation. “AJ..I”I felt horrible.

He put up his hand to stop me. “It’s okay.”he said not looking up at me. I didn’t have the energy to fight about it and he knew that. So he let it go. I walked past him and went into my old bedroom. I looked down at my old CD rack noticing Millennium was the very last Backstreet Boys CD I had bought. I sucked as a fan. I didn’t even deserve to be dating a great guy like him. He was perfect, minus the new drinking habit he had gotten into. I admit I’m worried about it, but it hasn’t gotten that bad yet…I guess I have to just wait it out. My Dad had bought that CD for me just like every other thing in this room. He worked so hard to provide for me and my brother giving us everything we wanted no matter how stupid.

Later at the funeral:

AJ grabbed my hand as Leighanne’s father went up to the podium to speak outside in the cemetery. “You’re okay.”he whispered and kissed me on the cheek. I can’t think of a time in my life when I have ever been just this sad and confused. It’s really hard to explain how I’m feeling right now or if I even feel anything at all. I must still be in shock, not even focusing on what my Dad’s brother is saying. It breaks my heart to know he is laying in that casket right now. My mother is pretending to cry hiding her face in her new boyfriend’s arm. Leighanne and Brian had came and left Baylee with some friends in Georgia. I know I told you guys Leigh was my aunt, she’s really my cousin but since she’s close to ten years older than me I always just thought of her as my aunt I guess. I still think of Baylee as my nephew I know we have a weird family. Leigh had seemed real weird around me today…and Brian too now that I think about it. He was even more weird around AJ. I attributed it to the funeral. I couldn’t expect Brian to be all happy go lucky in a situation like this. I looked over at AJ who was staring down seemingly counting the pebbles on the ground he was staring so hard. He had been really out of it today. As her father ended his speech the funeral was suddenly over and I sat there for a few seconds contemplating what to do.

“Can I steal you for a second?”Leighanne said looking over at AJ. They exchanged a very awkward look with each other as she grabbed onto my shirt. “Brian said he’d take you home.”she said nodding to AJ.

“I’ll see you back at your mom’s then..”Aj said putting his hand around my waist kissing me softly. “Call me if you need anything.”I smiled the best I could as he kissed my forehead before he let go. He walked over to Brian with a concerned look on his face and they were soon bickering about something I couldn’t quite make out.

“How you faring?”Leighanne asked walking with me back towards my rental car.

“I don’t know.”I said shrugging. I wasn’t lying I really didn’t know.

“It’s gonna be okay…you do know that right?”she said as I climbed into the driver’s seat of the white Navigator.

“I know…its just a lot to take in…”I said and after a few minutes of silence I began to wonder why she wanted me to ride with her. “Did you need to tell me something?”I asked. She had been quiet for quite sometime and it was freaking me out.

“Nope…just wanted to make sure your okay. Plus Bri had to talk to AJ about something I dunno.”she said and she was lying. She was HORRIBLE at lying. Her voice even changed pitch everytime she did it. I sighed and stared at the window as we started our trek back to my mother’s house.

~~AJ~~

“Leigh’s going to tell her huh?”I asked looking over at Brian as we got into his car.

“You were supposed to have stopped by now so why does it matter?”Brian said looking over at me. This weekend was going to be bad here. I could already tell. “See I knew you wouldn’t stop. Now I’m going to have to tell her.”he sighed and looked away from me out the window. I was silent as he continued talking. “I just don’t get it man. I mean you were clean and then all the sudden you start to get your life on track with a nice girl who I happen to be related to that in itself should be enough to keep you outta trouble just outta respect for me, but no instead you go a completely different path man and I just don’t get it. If you could just make me understand…”he said and looked over at me.

“I don’t know. I guess I just drank that one night when we were in New York thinking itd be fine and it turned into…”I started but he interrupted me.

“I’m talking about the COKE!”he yelled almost making me swerve off the road.

“I don’t know.”I said sighing speeding up my driving to escape this conversation.

“Oh you fucking know why…give me any excuse you want. I should have called Kevin that night in New York.”he said shaking his head in disgust. “I’m telling her tonight if you don’t.”Brian said as we pulled into her mother’s driveway.

~~CAROLINE~~

“Check your mail because Uncle Matt was supposed to send you something for your mother on there.”Leighanne said sitting down on my bed as I pulled up my Hotmail account. What is this…from AJLover4Ever huh? How would they even get my hotmail account…I could see myspace, but geez.

“Do you ever get fans that e-mail you?”I asked looking back at Leighanne. She walked up behind me as I clicked open the e-mail.

“Oh…”she said as the pictures popped up on the screen. To me the room went to dead silence and all I could hear was a ringing in my ears. “My…Caroline, I am just…”she said and she couldn’t think of anything either. The pictures were of AJ in a club with some girl. His forehead was to hers as they were caught in the action full liplock his hand up her shirt. Why would he do this in public of all places? I turned my chair away from the screen so I did not have to see it anymore as the door shut downstairs to my mother’s house. My mom and brother were still out talking to everyone at the reception. The rest of us had opted out of going in hopes to spare some drama I had imagined that wouldn’t be happening now that I had seen these.

“Get it off the screen!”I said standing up from the computer chair. This was the LAST thing I needed right now. It seemed like everything was turning upside down for me. What the hell was I going to say to him? Cheating was pretty much that final straw in any relationship no matter how much I loved the person.

~~AJ~~

“Hey babe.”I said as Caroline walked in the bedroom I was staying in. I looked down at the half full bottle of Jack Daniel’s sitting on the table in front of me along with the shot glass and contemplated pouring it. I had had one hell of a day.

“Don’t hey babe me…”she said and picked up the bottle and threw it into the mirror behind me. It shattered along with the mirror in hundreds of pieces all over the dresser and the floor and the smell of Jack took over the room. What the fuck was going on? “YOU ARE DONE WITH THIS! DO YOU HEAR WHAT I’M SAYING DONE!”she yelled pointing to the mess she had just made.

“Whoa…whoa…what is going on?”I asked her putting my hands on her shoulders so she wouldn’t throw anything else. I was sure Leighanne had told her, but I wanted to hear it out of her mouth before I incriminated myself. “What did Leigh tell you?”

She looked at me confused. “She didn’t tell me anything AJ what should she have told me?”she asked…dammit.

“About me and Brian in New York?”I said trying to beat around the bush. Her face still looked so confused.

“What happened with Brian and him in New York?”Caroline asked Leighanne who had propped herself up against the doorframe. Leighanne looked over at me to answer and I was stunned in place. How could I bring myself to tell her what I was about to say.

“TELL ME!”she yelled and I saw the tears rush to her face. She knew something, what was it???

“Brian saw me doing coke, but babe I’m quitting I haven’t done it all day.”I said and she shrugged my hands off her shoulders.

“Bull SHIT!”she said as the tears fell down her cheeks. I wanted to hug her and make her stop crying, but I couldn’t because I had caused it. She grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room across the hall turning the computer chair so I could see the screen. HOLY SHIT!!

“THIS is what I was talking about!”she said pointing to the computer. That fucking skank. She had put the pictures up on the internet of me and her. I don’t even think if I tried I could formulate words to say to Caroline right now…I mean what could I say. I had fucked up royally. “I guess you have nothing to say then?”she asked putting her hands on her hips as Brian walked up behind her to hear everything. And then I said exactly what I shouldn’t have.

“I love you.”I said and I don’t even know why. Bad fucking timing.

“Oh no…no.”she said holding her hand up to my face. “No AJ you don’t get to do that to me! You don’t get to say I love you for the first time to me when you’re all cracked out and I find out you’ve been cheating!”she said and I could tell she was about to get hysterical. “You don’t.”she said as Brian pulled her into him and she broke down. What was I supposed to do? It’s not like I could console her…so I did what I did best…defended myself.

“I do love you babe you know that. It doesn’t matter if I’ve never said it. I don’t even remember sleeping with that girl.”I said and she looked back at me and I knew that was exactly the thing she did NOT want to hear. I really suck at apologies. “It was the drugs…I’m sorry. I’ll quit for you!”

“You were supposed to quit last time.”Brian said rubbing his hands up her back.

“It’s different this time Rok I got her and its just different.”I said and Brian rolled his eyes.

“You had her when you started up again, man.”Brian said as she pulled away from him.

“I can’t do this anymore…”she said slowly as she sat down on the bed and looked down at the floor. Brian looked up at me and shook his head while walking out of the room.

“What are you saying?”I asked squatting down propping myself up from her knees. She was not about to break up with me.

“I can’t AJ…this is crazy. Every night, hell not even night, day your drunk as shit. I mean you get drunk so often I can’t even tell when your sober. Have you looked in the mirror lately? There is nothing in your eyes anymore. Nothing. And this is after a few weeks. I don’t wanna stick around for months of nothing.”she said as I rubbed my hand up her arm. She was right. I had been avoiding mirrors for that fact. I had become my former self, well not exactly, a more tamed version of my former self.

“I’m sorry.”I said sighing. “This is just me I guess.”

“No its not. I met you at soundcheck in Atlanta. That was YOU!”she said pressing her finger into my chest. “If it had just been drinking…no drugs, no cheating, maybe I could have stayed, but you went to London and met some random girl and cheated on me with her while I was at home sleeping in your bed. I don’t know how to get over that.”

I don’t even remember doing it and that’s what kills me. I really think that I blacked out and it happened. “I don’t know what else I can say.”she said and she shook her head and looked away.

“Just say you’ll forgive me and come back home with me. You don’t need to be alone right now.”I said referring to her father.

“I can’t let myself do that.”she said and I felt the water building up in my own eyes. I, Alexander James Mclean, was going to cry in front of a woman. “Stop.”she said as the first tear rolled. “I’m going to stay with Leighanne in Georgia for a while.”she said biting on her bottom lip.

“Caroline come on.”I said grabbing her hands in mine as I pulled myself up and sat down beside her on the bed.

“You have to get better, and you won’t if I stay around.”she said. “I’m sorry.”she said and kissed me lightly on the cheek as she stood up and walked out of the room. Wow. That’s really all I can think of to say right now. I wanted to punch holes all in the wall behind me, but I knew I couldn’t so I just sat there in disbelief.

~~CAROLINE~~

I had to do that. I had to. There was no getting around it. If I don’t leave he won’t get help. I don’t even know for a fact that if I do leave he’ll get help, but at least this way he can figure it out on his own. I just don’t get it. His solo CD is coming out soon and the boys are finishing up there Unbreakable Tour with a few added on dates sometime soon. It’s just bad timing, and I feel so stupid because everyone was so against me moving in with him and now I see why. He’s a train wreck. He hides it well, but inside he is a train wreck, no doubt about it.

“You okay?”Brian asked walking in the kitchen where I was searching for some medicine to get my stomach under control. AJ had walked out of my house with his luggage a few minutes before without saying a word to me.

“I broke up with him. I just think it’s the only way Bri.”I said and he pulled me into a hug.

“You’re right. It is the only way. Last time he didn’t get help until Kevin literally broke down his door and told him he was dead to him.”Brian said squeezing me right before letting me go. “I love you though. You got people here for ya.”he said and I tried to smile. Why couldn’t I just be like Leighanne and get the good one? That’s wrong of my to say, AJ was a good guy without all of the drugs and alcohol.

“We’re gonna leave soon.”Brian said looking over at Leighanne who had just walked into the kitchen. She looked concerned.

“I guess we need to get you outta here before your Mom comes back in and says I told you so huh?”Leighanne said hugging me.

“True.”I said shrugging.

“You sure you wanna stay with us? We’re leaving in like a day to finish out the dates?”Brian asked knowing it would be tough for all of us if I did, but I didn’t have anywhere else to go. My stuff was in LA. I would just have to ride it out. I didn’t realize the rest of the dates were so close to now.

“Brian I don’t have a choice.”I said. I felt like such a homeless person. I guess I could have just went to LA and stayed in AJ’s house while they were gone, but how awkward would that be.

“No I’m not saying it like that…I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable. I mean me and Leigh and Baylee have our own bus and everything I guess you could just stay in hiding there. He may actually never know your there.”he said and she laughed a little.

“It’s fine. Let’s just get outta here.”I said running upstairs to grab my luggage.

Two Days Later: Seattle, Washington

“Baylee come here!”I said chasing him out of the bus. That little boy was a FULL ball of energy, just like his Dad. I was trying to conceal myself as much as possible by pulling my hat down as low as it would go. I think fans had caught onto me being with AJ and they actually tried to talk to me, if I was with Baylee it was worse, but even if I was just walking by myself outside of the bus they tried to get my attention. I get it I guess they feel maybe if there nice enough I’ll bring them with me backstage. It really is awkward because they ask me about AJ and I don’t know how to really answer their questions because we’re not together at this point in time and I’m still REALLY upset with him. It’s been two days and so far from what I hear from Brian he hasn’t shown up today at all. He was supposed to fly in with Nick and he never came to the airport. I figured I was safe as long as he wasn’t here. I knew he wouldn’t be that big of an asshole and not show up for his fans though so he would be here soon.

“Baylee!”I yelled running after him into the backstage rooms.

“Nick! Save me!”Baylee said running into Nick who was playing something on his acoustic guitar.

“Come on little man…I’m working here!”he said pissed off that Baylee had knocked into his arms during his chords. He would never let Baylee see him mad, but I guessed he was writing stuff and that had thrown him off.

“Sorry.”I said shrugging as I sat down beside him on the couch.

“It’s cool.”he said going back to strumming. To me, since I had met the boys, Nick had always been the most distant. He always seemed like he was in his own world. I guess it was because he was so much younger than them.

“You writing new stuff?”I asked as Brian walked into the room where we were and Baylee jumped out from behind the couch to scare him.

“Ahhh Baylee Good Lord!”he said pretending to be scared grabbing his chest like he was having a heart attack. Baylee laughed and sat back down in his hiding spot to scare the next victim.

“Show her that new song.”Brian said pointing to Nick’s guitar. He put his hand on the first chord and began strumming.

Looking for beauty in uncertain
Finding the strength inside the gray
Maybe I’m heading for a breakdown
Maybe that’s okay
Could be I’m hanging on for dear life
Maybe I need to get a grip
Cause you’re the only one that makes me feel like this so

Save me I’m falling again
Keep me from breakin in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There’s nowhere, nowhere to go
Nowhere to Go but You

“This would be my verse but I don’t feel like it.”Brian said humming as Nick kept strumming. He laughed a little as he put his hand on Nick’s to stop him from playing. That song sure was perfect. I hate Brian sometimes. He knows exactly what to do. I liked that song.

“Bout time you got here!”Nick said smiling as AJ walked into the room we were in. I looked away from the door to the floor breathing in deep. I knew he thought I came here for him and that wasn’t the case. Nick didn’t know what happened yet.

“What are you doing here?”AJ asked leaning up against the doorframe. He looked cute today. He had on black tight pants, of course with his wallet chain, and a white shirt with a black vest over top of it and a white weird hippie beanie thing. I don’t know what their called. Why did he have to look so cute right now?

“I needed her to watch Baylee.”Brian said more country than usual as he picked Baylee up and swung him around in his arms.

“Sure.”he said as his hopeful look faded to disappointment and anger. “Because you know staying away from me after you break it off couldn’t be an option.”he said and I was a little taken back by his meanness.

“I asked her to come.”Brian said putting Baylee down. Nick was taking everything in I’m sure. He hadn’t been around for all of this, I doubt he even knew about AJ and the coke.

“I think she can talk for herself Rok.”AJ said looking over at me waiting on me to speak.

“Your such an asshole.”I said and brushed past him as I walked out the door.

“Hey wait!”I heard from behind me. Surprisingly it was Nick running up behind me, not AJ.

“You okay?”he asked a little out of breath as we walked out into the sunlight. The girls who could see through the fence slits screamed there heads off and he laughed a little.
“Can’t even walk outside without getting screamed at!”he said and I laughed a little as we sat down on the steps outside of the venue on the backside. “So what happened?”he asked looking over at me. He had nice eyes, tired, but nice eyes. I didn’t know if I should tell him or not about AJ. I guess it was just as much his business as Brian’s to know. It effected him as well.

“Nothing we just broke up.”I said and he narrowed his eyebrows and rolled his eyes.

“You didn’t just break up!”he said laughing.

“Yea we did.”I said and I couldn’t stand to tell him anymore than that. “Ask him. I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

“You’ll be fine.”he said putting his arm around me pulling me into him. Now if I was any other girl in America I would be like GOOD LORD and freaking out, but he was sweaty and that’s just gross. No matter how good his face looked, I don’t want to feel his wet arm pit on my shoulder.

“I know.”I said seeing AJ walking towards the bus talking on his cell phone.

“WASSUP?!?”a nasal high pitched voice said from behind us as he jumped on Nick’s back.

“AARON!”Nick said hopping up to give his brother a hug. Man he was skinny as shit! He was like Nick, but with a sunken in face and 90 pounds.

“What’s up? I’m Aaron.”he said holding his hand out for me.

“Caroline.”she said shaking his hand as a girl walked up behind him. She looked familiar. Where had I seen her before?

“Just another thing to add to my list...”AJ said walking up behind us with a smart ass grin on his face. “Kaci…how are ya?”he said barely hugging her. And now I remember. She was the girl before me that had left him for Aaron. Stupid move on her part. Stupid move on Nick’s part for letting them come. She didn’t answer him or say anything to him at all to be honest. It was quite awkward to be standing there in the middle of this.

“Aaron.”AJ said nodding at him. Aaron nodded back without saying a word. I had a feeling they were not on the best of terms. Why was Nick so dumb to let them come?

“They’re gonna be on our bus for these two days.”Nick said and AJ sighed.

“Fantastic.”he said rolling his eyes as he walked away from us back towards the stage.

“He’s such a douschbag.”Kaci said holding onto Aaron’s arm laying her head on his should.

~~AJ~~

You know the LAST thing and I mean the LAST thing in the world I could ever possibly imagine happening is happening right now. How could Nick be so fucking stupid? Why would he let Aaron and of all people in the world KACI come see the last two shows??? He knows we share a damn bus how fucking uncomfortable is this going to be for me? But he is Nick, never takes into consideration anyone else’s feelings, it’s all about him. And why was Caroline even sitting talking with Nick? I am going to drive myself crazy going around in circles about all of this stuff. All I know is this is going to be a rough few days. I walked into the backstage room seeing someone I totally did not expect to see sitting on the couch next to Brian. This day was just full of surprise visitors.

“What’s up man?”I said pulling Kevin into a hug as he stood up from the couch. He knew. I could already tell by his face. Brian had told him.

“Coming to check on you man.”he said patting me on the back.

“I’m going to be fine Kevin. This is so different than before. I haven’t done anything today.”I said and I was lying. Kevin knew it. This is exactly how it was before. I had already taken almost an eight ball of coke between one last night and today.

“Good, but you’re still going to get help when you guys are done with these shows.”he said and I looked back at Brian who shook his head yes.

“I’ve got it this time Kev.”I said pulling away from him.

“No obviously you don’t because if you did I wouldn’t be here.”he said crossing his arms. Out of all people, I guess Kevin had been like a father to me, knowing that I had disappointed him was like knowing I had disappointed my mother, which I knew would be the next person to find out.

“Why’d you call him Brian?”I asked getting frustrated.

“I didn’t…”he said sighing. “Caroline did.”

“Why the hell would she do that?”I asked throwing my hands in the air.

“Because she cares about you.”Kevin said giving me the duh face.

“Whatever I’m not hearing this again.”I said waving my hand in his face as I walked back out the door.

~~CAROLINE~~

“Hey we’re gonna head to this club in the next little bit if you wanna come…”Nick said running up behind me as I walked back towards the buses.

“Who all is going?”I asked. I could go to a club in this. I looked okay.

“Pretty much everybody. We’re just gonna celebrate Kevin being here, like his wife and stuff are all going.”Nick said stopping in front of Brian’s bus stairs.

“Are Bri and Leigh going?”I asked opening the door.

“Maybe Brian…Leighanne probably has to watch Baylee.”he said and I smiled thinking that was probably my job.

“Yeah just let me get my ID and some money and stuff.”I said putting up my finger to tell him to wait a minute as I walked on the bus and grabbed my pocket book. I followed Nick back to his bus where everyone was waiting on us.

“Finally.”Kevin said looking over at me. I had known Kevin from family functions between mine and Leighanne’s family and Brian’s since him and Brian were cousins.
“How are you babe?”he asked pulling me into a hug.

“Been better. Hanging in there.”I said and he smiled at me. We had already talked about everything when I had convinced him to come out here and visit AJ. If I wasn’t able to get him to get help, I knew Kevin or his mother would. I didn’t know his mother. I hadn’t met her yet, so she was out of the question.

“Everybody ready?”Brian said poking his head up from the front of the bus stairs. Everyone filed out. I didn’t know AJ was coming, but he stepped out last. He looked worse than usual. His eyes were really puffy and underneath them was really dark. Something horrible was going to happen in this club. I could already tell that.

~~AJ~~

This is really hard for me right now. I am sitting in a giant booth with at least two people I cannot stand and basically hate, one that just broke up with me, and one who I can’t even TOUCH or get near a drink in front of. Good thing I slipped into the bathroom and got a little pick me up. I pulled my sunglasses over my eyes as I saw Nick ask Caroline to dance. That bastard. Aaron and Kaci followed, and they were followed by Howie and Leigh and Kevin and Kristin. That just left me and Brian, sitting there uncomfortably. I knew Brian was still really pissed at me, because Leighanne was pissed at him for not doing anything to me before it got to Caroline. He wasn’t going to start a conversation with me. I leaned back and watched Caroline and Nick dance…was he?...hold the fuck on…his hand is a little low there.

~~CAROLINE~~

Whew I am DRUUUUUUUUUUNK! I can’t even keep my thoughts together. I think I was getting even more drunk off the alcohol from Nick’s breath haha….whoa. There are tons of people in this club. It’s hurting my ears how loud the music is over all of the people talking. AJ looks comfortable propped up in the booth.

“You look really hot.”Nick said putting his mouth close to my ear so I could hear him. I’m sure it probably looked like I was about to make out with him.

“Shutup.”I said laughing as he put his hands on my waist as a slow song came on.

“Keep those hands North.”Kevin said smiling dancing with his wife beside us. She was really pretty. Nick rolled his eyes and laughed. There was no way Nick would try to mess with me, him and AJ were way to close. Although, he did let Aaron and Kaci come so who the fuck knows?

“Can I buy you a drink after this?”Nick asked keeping his cheek up against mine as we continued to dance.

“I will never pass up a free drink Carter.”I said and I could feel his cheeks raising. I knew he was smiling.

“That’s what I like to hear.”he said grabbing my hand pulling me over to the bar. “Two ummm whatcha want?”Nick said making me laugh. He talked like a black guy and that was hilarious to me.

“Doesn’t matter whatever.”I said shrugging. I wasn’t the biggest drinker in the world so I didn’t know much of what to order to begin with. “I really don’t care.”I said as he continued to sit there waiting on me to answer.

“Two rum and cokes.”he said holding his fingers up in a peace sign. He was dumb. AJ had taken a seat three seats down from us. I had guessed he wanted to know what me and Nick were up to. How jealous. We weren’t together. I could do whatever I wanted.

“Hey Bone you want an Odouls?”Nick asked. Oh God. He was drunk. I can’t believe he actually said that.

“Shut the fuck up Nick.”AJ said shaking his head as Nick cracked up. AJ was pissed off about something. A brown headed girl walked up behind AJ and took a seat beside him and started chatting him up. He never removed his sunglasses as he laughed with the girl.

“You okay?”Nick asked after a few minutes of us just sitting there watching them.

“I don’t give a SHIT!”I said and jumped as I surprised myself at how loud I said it. Nick laughed as I was obviously lying. It really bothered me how he was flirting with her. I had to turn my head away as I saw him tuck some of her hair behind her ear. Stupid asshole. I could feel my head spinning as I heard Nick order me another drink. I was literally going to pass out soon. I was already having a hard time keeping my head up.

“Why him Caroline?”I heard the tail end of whatever Nick had been going on about for the past ten minutes. I assumed it was about me and AJ. At this point in the night I shouldn’t be assuming anything. “Hello?”Nick said waving his hand in front of my face.

“I don’t know Nick. He just gets me.”I said shrugging as I watched him get up with the girl and walk to the dance floor. This was about to get dirty. I knew how he danced. I was bracing myself for the jealousy I was about to feel burning through my body, but Nick grabbed my hand and pulled me out the front door. “What are you doing?”I asked following him behind the club into the alley.

“Just wanted to get you outta there.”he said giving me a side smile as we sat down on the steps to the back entrance to the club. “I know AJ.”he said and I thought he meant he was saving me from seeing something. He looked cute in his light blue sweater. (***think Inconsolable video Nick-author note)

“Thanks.”I said trying really and I mean REALLY hard to keep myself sitting up straight on the steps.

“I’m pretty drunk.”Nick said laughing as he stood up and walked into the darkness in front of us. “Follow me!”

“Nick come back!”I said yelling at him. There was the place where we were sitting then a REALLY dark alley and then the main street that was lit up on the other side. I stumbled walking towards the darkness trying to find him.

“Come get me!”he said laughing. He wasn’t walking anymore, eventually I would find him.

“Nick this isn’t funny.”I said holding my arms out. I felt like a fucking blind person stumbling around.

“Gotcha!”Nick said laughing as he grabbed me from behind and I jumped. He was like a five year old.

“Ass.”I said noticing he didn’t let me go. I was starting to get my night vision to kick in so I could almost see him standing in front of me. He was close. Real close. I felt his hand trail up my back and stop on the side of my face. He pressed his lips to mine. WTF!?! This was not like a sweet passionate kiss. This was like we are drunk as shit making out with each other. What the fuck am I doing? He pushed me up against the brick wall behind me as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I was being held up off the ground merely from him pushing so hard. This was just dirty I thought as I put my arms around his neck.

“I have been wanting to do this for so fuckin long.”he said as I felt his hand rise up my skirt. I heard him unbuckle his belt and his pants dropped to the ground. Was I really going to do this? Of course I was. AJ was going to take that girl home with him tonight no doubt. I guess there was a difference though, he would never have to see her again. Nick was AJ’s best friend.

~~AJ~~

This girl in front of me I don’t even know her name, but she’s got some nice tits and I’m pretty high right now. “Listen baby you wanna get outta here?”I said loudly so she could hear me. She smiled up at me and followed me outside. “We probably can find a cab through here.”I said pulling her into the alleyway. I could hear some moaning as we walked through the darkness towards the main street. That’s just disgusting, people could at least take that shit back to a hotel room. As we arrived back at the hotel a few minutes later I wondered where everyone else was. Normally they would be out watching TV, but I guess they were all sleeping. Perfect. I don’t have to hear anyone’s mouth.

“Nick your ridiculous.”I heard Caroline say as the door opened behind me and the girl. Her and Nick stumbled in hanging onto each other to be able to stand up. I looked down as she made eye contact with the girl. I couldn’t look at her face to see the hurt.

“We’re just gonna watch some TV in here.”Nick said walking over to the couch. I didn’t know where to move to I was kinda stunned. She looked up at me, but quickly looked away as I caught her gaze. What was going on?

“Come on.”I said grabbing the girls hand pulling her towards my room.

“At least this time we’re not together.”Caroline said loud enough to where I could hear her. I contemplated whether or not to say anything. I couldn’t help myself.

“Who’s decision was that?!”I yelled back at her as I slammed the door to my room. At least sex could still make me happy.

~~CAROLINE~~

As I awoke the next morning I realized I had fallen asleep on the couch with Ni…OH MY FUCKING GOD!!! Originally as I was waking up, I thought this all had been a dream. I HAD SLEPT WITH NICK! HOLY SHIT!

“Nick wake up!”I whispered loudly pushing him so he would wake up. It was only 6AM there should be no one up for a while. “Wake up!”

“What? What is it?”he said groggily rubbing his eyes as he sat up. “OH SHIT!”he said suddenly as he realized what happened and jumped up.

“I know…I know…”I said putting my head in my hands. “What are we gonna say to him?”

“Nothing!”Nick said and was very stern about it. “We just don’t tell him anything. We were both drunk.”he said and I interrupted.

“WAY drunk….you’re right he doesn’t need to know.”I said and Nick stood up quickly and walked into his room.

~~AJ~~

“Aaron could ya hurry up in there…I actually have a show to get ready for.”I said banging on the bathroom door. He was taking for fucking ever. Him and Kaci had been in there for a good hour and it was getting pretty old. All I wanted to do was take a shower and wash this slut off of me. Needless to say I had pushed her out of my bed around eight this morning and called her a cab. It’s horrible I know.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”Aaron said coming out of the bathroom all gangster. God. Why did it always have to be something with him? Since he started dating Kaci its like me and him can’t have a normal conversation about anything…I could ask him what his new dogs name was and he would ask what that was supposed to mean.

“It just means get the fuck out of the bathroom.”I said rolling my eyes as Kaci held onto his arm behind him.

“We’re not done in here. You can have it when I’m ready.”he said crossing his arms.

“Nick can you get your brother out of my way before I beat his ass?”I said turning around to Nick who was standing in the kitchen with Caroline and Brian. Nick just laughed. I guess they thought I was joking.

“You know what AJ I’m sick of your mouth.”Aaron said getting closer to me. I did not want to hit this boy, but with all the shit that’s been going on lately I don’t know if I can restrain.

“Okay Aaron this is how you wanna play.”I said as he got into my face.

“This is a long time coming.”Kaci said from behind him.

“You know what shut your damn mouth nobody needs to hear anything your slut ass is going to say.”I said to her and she looked stunned.

“Don’t talk to her like that!”Aaron said pushing Kaci away from him. I knew we were about to get into a big fight. I’d been waiting on it for a year now, and apparently now was going to be the time.

I just laughed a little and looked over at Nick who was wondering whether or not to come break it up. “Say what you wanna say!”I yelled at him. “Come on get it all out.”

“I want you to get off my nuts because I’m with Kaci, if she wanted to be with you she would be.”Aaron said and I smiled. I didn’t want to be with that whore PLEASE.

“Aaron she just went to you because she’s a gold digging whore and none of the rest of the guys wanted anything to do with her.”I lied. She had broken up with me, but I didn’t care.

“Okay AJ, whatever why don’t you just go back and snort some more coke.”Kaci said walking back up.

“Hey don’t talk to him like that!”Caroline said stepping up behind me. I was kinda surprised she was sticking up for me. It was nice. I looked back at her and gave her a side smile. She didn’t even look at me.

“Who the fuck are you?”Kaci asked stepping in front of Aaron.

“His girlfriend.”she said. WHAT?!? Am I missing something? I guess she just said that to prove a point.

“Tell me something sweetheart does he go out every night, come home until late drunk off his ass…let me fill you in on something, he’s not out at a club. He’s with some other girl.”Kaci said and I just rolled my eyes. I didn’t feel for Kaci like I do Caroline.

“It’s different now Kaci.”I said sighing. Caroline looked back at me. She was obviously putting the two together.

“Sure it is…and you didn’t look like you two were together last night when you were all snuggled up to Nick on the couch.”Aaron said and I looked down at Caroline. What was he talking about?

“Shut up Aaron.”Nick said coming over to stop all of this. “You don’t know what your talking about.”

“Okay you two weren’t sleeping on the couch together this morning?”Kaci said putting her hands on her hips.

“This isn’t even about us. Stop trying to change the subject.”Nick said putting his hand up to stop them from talking any further. Since when were they an “us”. My mind went back to the people in the alley last night. I knew that moan. I was too high to realize it then, but I knew that moan I heard.

“Oh my God. It was you wasn’t it?”I said pointing at both of them. “It was you in the alley last night. Oh my God.”I said putting it all together. Oh my God. I need to throw up.

“AJ we…”Nick started but I was in too much of shock to say anything.

“You’re just as much of a whore as she is!!”I yelled at Caroline. She wouldn’t bring her face up to look at any of us, but I could see the tears falling to the ground. “YOU SAY SOMETHING!!!”I yelled looking at both of them. Aaron and Kaci had slinked back away from everything and were watching everything unfold.

“Caroline you didn’t…tell me you didn’t.”Brian said walking up behind me. For once, I think he was going to be on my side. She said nothing.

“AJ we were drunk. WAY drunk!”Nick said trying to put his hand on my shoulder. What was I supposed to do just shrug it off.

“I DON”T CARE NICK!! YOU KNOW I LOVE HER!”I said getting in his face. “CAN”T YOU JUST KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS FOR ONE NIGHT?!”I said pushing him.

“Man back off…BACK OFF!”Nick yelled back at me pushing me back.

“Stop it guys!”Brian said pushing us away from each other. I could feel my hand tightening. It was almost like I couldn’t control it and before I knew it I had punched Nick in the face.

“STOP!!!”Caroline yelled pulling me off of Nick.

“Get the fuck off me.”I said shrugging her off. “You’re supposed to be my brother man!”I will never forget the look on Nick’s face at that moment. He was my best friend. All that was gone now. “I’m outta here!”I said and grabbed my hoodie from off the couch slamming the door as I walked out.


~~CAROLINE~~


What the fuck!!!!!!!!!!! I could slap Aaron and that little bitch right across their faces right now. How could Aaron do that to his own brother?

“You’re going home now!!”Nick yelled pointing to Aaron.

“Man I didn’t..”he started put Nick grabbed him by the arm and pulled him into the bedroom to start packing his things.

“Don’t.”Brian said as I started for the door.

“I have to.”I said letting the door slam behind me. I ran as fast as I could down the steps to try to catch him as he was coming off the elevator. He was crying. AJ was crying as he stepped off the elevator in front of me. He covered his face with his hand and brushed past me.

“AJ Talk to me!”I yelled as he walked out to the pool area of the hotel and pulled out his pack of cigarettes. There was no one out at the pool which was weird, but I wasn’t complaining at least we could talk…or yell.

“I can’t even look at you right now.”he said blowing out smoke as he sat down on one of the pool chairs.

“I’m sorry.”I said and he waved his hand in front of me like he didn’t care. “You know what why am I saying I’m sorry…you started all of this!”I yelled and he looked up shocked that I had raised my voice at him. He glared at me and I could tell this was going to be a one sided conversation. “If you hadn’t started drinking and went to London and cheated on me I guess we’d still be together huh? It’s not like I even find Nick in the least bit attractive. He was just there.”I was totally lying. Nick was hot as hell and so was the sex. He didn’t need to know that.

“HE’S STILL MY BEST FRIEND!”he yelled standing up fast. “YOU FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND, MY BAND MATE. I HAVE TO LOOK AT HIM EVERYDAY KNOWING YOU GUYS SLEPT TOGETHER! I WON”T DO IT CAROLINE I WONT!”he said and I looked away from him. He was not going to yell at me like that and get away with it. I reached my hand up and slapped him across the right side of his face.

“You’re not gonna talk to me like that.”I said calmly. He moved his jaw around a few times burning with anger before he turned his face back to mine.

“Why did you even come out here? Shouldn’t you be making sure Nick’s okay?”he said coldly crossing his arms after he flicked his cigarette into the grass.

“AJ I don’t care about Nick. I care about you and you are having some type of mental breakdown…I have don’t nothing that’s anymore wrong than what you did to me.”I said and he was finally beginning to calm down.

“It doesn’t matter I’ll never look at you the same.”he said and my heart broke a little. I could actually feel the pain in my stomach growing much worse. I may actually throw up.

“Fine…well do yourself a favor and get some help. You look like shit.”I said walking away from him.

“Fuck you.”he said as the door closed behind me and I walked back towards the elevator.


~~AJ~~


“Hey man.”I said as Kevin and Kristin came outside in their bathing suits. They sure were having one lavish vacation while all of this was going on.

“You okay dude?”he said putting his towel on the chair beside me. I shrugged. The truth was I didn’t know. At this point I just really didn’t know. I was so coked out I couldn’t even tell if this was reality. I was hoping it wasn’t but deep down I knew it was.
“Why don’t you take those sunglasses off and we’ll talk about it.”he said watching Kristin get in the pool. Kevin was always so awesome. He truly was the father I never had.

“I don’t know Kev.”I said nodding over at Kristin. I really didn’t want her to hear everything because she would tell Leighanne or Lee and it would get back to Caroline somehow.

“Here babe put these on.”Kevin said walking over handing Kristin and Ipod and headphones. “Ready now?”he said smiling at me.

“I was doing great ya know I really was and then Leighanne brought Caroline to watch Baylee and seriously dude like from the moment I saw her I was like fucking lovestruck.”I said smiling remembering that first day. Everyone had been so weirded out by our five minute handshake.

“She is really pretty…not my type…but definetly yours.”he said. I knew what he meant. She wasn’t preppy enough for him, but I liked that we had sort of the same style.

“It was just weird. We were SO perfect for each other. She likes the same bands I like. She loves LOST, I mean you know how much I love that…she just gets me. And I had that one drink that night to loosen up which turned into plenty and it went all downhill from there. I went to London without her and one of my old “friends”.”I said putting up my fingers in quotations. “was there and he left a bag of coke there. I kept it. I cheated on her, Brian sat me using the next day in New York and well here we are to make a long story short.”I finished.

“And she screwed Nick last night?”Kevin said reminding me. I was trying to forget. I nodded my head yes. I couldn’t bare to say it outloud.

“Well maybe she really was just way to drunk AJ you of all people should understand that. Nick would never do something to intentionally hurt you. You know that. He loves you man and from what I see so does she.”he said smiling slightly at me. I knew he was right. It was just disgusting to know he had been inside her. How could I ever have sex with her again knowing he had done it.

“I know. I’m just hurt.”I said pulling my sunglasses up onto my head.

“Now let’s talk about you…are you going to quit this or do we need to get you treatment again?”he asked putting his hands on my legs.

“I don’t know. I wanna say I can do it myself, but I really don’t know.”I said thinking really hard about how much work it was going to be.

“If you don’t know then that’s a yes.”he said and I smiled. I wanted to get better I really did I just didn’t know how to by myself.

“I just don’t want it to get out to the media again and everything. That’s so embarrassing.”I said sighing. That was so horrible before. Everyone thought of me as the Lindsey Lohan of the Backstreet Boys. The fan support was awesome, but everything else just sucked.

“Better to do that than OD.”he said and I knew he was right.

“Okay let’s get something worked out in the next few days. When are you going back?”I asked him as he stood up to pull his shirt off.

“I think I’m gonna head back to Orlando with you guys to see you work in the studio I don’t know yet.”he said as he slipped his shoes off. “Wanna swim?”he asked pointing to the pool as if I didn’t know where he was going.

“Nah man. I got a lot to think about. I just don’t know if I can do it.”I said looking up at him.

“No baby…you can.”he said patting me on the shoulder. I laughed. That was like his catch phrase for everything. I love that guy.

~~CAROLINE~~

“Nick we gotta talk.”I said walking into his room in the hotel.

“No shit.”he said sighing as he leaned back against his bed headboard.

“What happened last night…”I said sitting on the bed messing with the sheets a little. “It was wrong and I just I can’t believe they told him about it.”

“Well don’t worry about him. He’s at the airport now and staying there until he gets a flight.”Nick said picking up his phone from the table texting someone. “He’s just young. He doesn’t get it. He had to get something back at AJ.”

“I know…its just no matter how much AJ hurt me. I would never want him to feel as bad as I do.”I said looking over at him. He smiled at me a little bit he must have thought that was sweet. “I feel like that happened though.”

“Caroline you did it when you were beyond wasted. He can’t be mad at you for that.”Nick said. He sure was a fast texter to whoever he was talking to. His hands were all over the place. I turned as there was a knock on the door and AJ poked his head in through the door.

~~AJ~~

I didn’t know what I was going to say to her at all, but something had to be done.

“Can I talk to you?”I said looking over at Nick. I knew he wasn’t mad at me for hitting him, hell he probably expected it. She looked over at Nick then back to me and finally got up off the bed and followed me into my room.

“I was just talking with Kevin.”I said trying to get my thoughts together. “And I am being kinda hypocritical about the whole thing. I just…you gotta see where I’m coming from. It’s Nick and your you and I don’t really wanna think about you two together you know.”

“AJ we were drunk though I mean I don’t even remember it.”lying… “I couldn’t even stand up straight much less use good judgement on doing things. I’m pretty sure he was worse off than I was.”she said sitting down with on the bed.

“I’m sorry…”I said and this conversation was so tense I felt like I may cry. “I’m sorry for everything.”I said putting my hand on her upper thigh. She looked down at my hand surprised.

“Kevin’s going to set me up some treatment in Orlando when we get done tonight.”I said and her head shot up.

“That’s great!”she said and smiled. I hadn’t seen her smile, God since I came back from London. “I’m really proud of you for making that decision.”

“You made me realize it today.”I said pulling the baggie of white powder out of my pocket. “Keep it.”I said handing it to her. “I don’t need it anymore.”

“You need to get ready.”she said looking over at the bedside clock. She stood up quickly and we both just kinda stood there uncomfortably. I didn’t know what we were doing and neither did she.

“Come here.”I said pulling her into me. It felt so good just to hold her. She pulled away from me a little and looked up as I put my forehead up to hers. I leaned into kiss her, but she turned away.

“I can’t.”she said and let go of me.

“What the hell Caroline?”I said starting to get loud again. I couldn’t help it. I was still jacked up from this morning.

“You know what just forget it.”she said waving her hand at me as she walked back out the door. Great. Now what are you gonna do.

~~CAROLINE~~

“Are you okay? Brian told me what happened.”Leighanne asked walking backstage where I was watching Baylee play on the Nickelodeon website. She had been away in Georgia doing something yesterday and just got in today.

“I guess so…AJ’s pretty pissed.”I said shrugging clicking the mouse for Baylee’s game he was playing.

“I would assume so.”she said laughing. “How was it? Was it awesome?”she asked and I gave her a crazy face.

“You’re so weird. Why do you care?”I asked laughing so hard.

“Because I always hear him doing it in the hotel rooms next to ours and I just wonder if its as good as it sounds.”she said smiling.

“It was pretty good. I don’t remember much of it…but he has a huge penis!”I said and she cracked up as I covered Baylee’s ears to say it.

“I knew it!”she said laughing hysterically. It’d been a really long time since I had laughed so hard. I loved Leigh. She was so awesome!

“Leigh! Come on bring Baylee!”Brian said opening the door. “I told you like ten minutes ago babe.”he said hurrying them along. “You should come too.”he said holding the door for me to come out. I followed Leighanne to the side of the stage. I guess they had already begun the soundcheck without Brian because they were just hanging out fooling around onstage about to get to the question part.

“I’m BACK!”Brian said hopping onto his stool as everyone laughed.

“Okay so right now I wanna do something before we get to the questions…I know you guys know I have a solo album coming out in November so I kinda wanted to give you guys a preview of that…”AJ said but held up his finger to stop everyone from screaming. “But first…”he said and looked over at me. “I have to do something and please don’t put this all over youtube its kinda personal.”I looked over at Leighanne and she shrugged.

“Come here baby.”he said holding his arm out for me to grab his hand. I shook my head no and Leighanne pushed me out onstage and everyone screamed. “Let’s see…sit about here.”he said sitting me on the stand where the drums were at next to the security guards. I looked up at him and narrowed my eyebrows. “Don’t worry.”he said and smiled. These fans were crazy. They were video taping the shit out of this, completely disregarding what he had said before. “I’m sorry for everything that’s happened since London. This is the only way I could think of to make it up to you.”he said as he cued the music behind him and turned sideways so the crowd could see him also.

(To see the video that inspired this copy and past this link, plus you won’t have to read all the lyrics you can just watch his sexy ass sing it : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhAoMkrh6BM&feature=related)

I hate it when I come home and you’re already asleep
I hate it when you throw things out without talking to me
I hate how you’ve come to expect I’ll let you down
I hate the way you seem to always make us late
You pick a fight and I take the blame
I hate how you keep it so cold in this room

I hate how you steal the covers
I hate how you fight with your mother
But more than your favorite song
I hate it when your gone
Yea, I hate it when your gone

He turned around and smiled at me. This song was so fucking perfect. How could he wrap everything of our relationship into one song. I love him.

I hate it when I ask if I’m the best that you’ve had
You answer to slow, then you turned your back
I hate it when you compare me to others that came before
I hate it when you whisper to your friends on the phone
The way you can make me feel so all alone
I hate when I feel like your trying to hard


Not so sure about that verse…I mean I remember it happening but wow way to make me feel like an asshole haha 

I hate when your lost in the TV
I need you when you barely see me
And more than admitting I’m wrong
I hate it when your gone.
I hate when your gone

Its always, its never
You roll your eyes and say whatever
I just go along, I just go along

“I love you and I’m sorry.”he said walking over to me grabbing my hand so I would stand up.

“Better than the first time you said it.”I said and he laughed a little still holding onto my hand. I was actually pretty embarrassed. Don’t get me wrong this is the sweetest thing in the world, but I did not want to be posted all over the internet.

“This verse is the one I want you to hear the most.”he said as he continued to sing and the music picked up.

I hate just how much I adore
And I hate that I cant be there for you
And more than admitting Im wrong
I hate it when I see you crying
You say your okay, but your lying
More than a drug, its controlling
I hate it when your gone
Yea I hate it when your gone.

The music stopped and the girls screamed as he pulled me into a hug and kissed me on the cheek.

“Let’s give these love birds a second off the stage.”Brian said walking back onstage laughing. AJ walked off the stage behind me still holding onto my hand.

“I’m sorry, babe I am so sorry.”he said giving me a side smile.

“I don’t care anymore.”I said as he put his arms around my waist pulling me into him. “I love you so much.”I said as he leaned down to kiss me.

“I love you too.”he said letting me go. “I gotta go take pictures…resume after?”he asked and I laughed.

“Of course.”I said watching him bounce back on the stage.

“Listen I’m going to go see my mom tomorrow morning when we get into Orlando.”I said tugging on my hoodie strings walking up backstage to Caroline after the last concert of the tour. “And I want you to go with me because its going to get pretty intense when I tell her I’m going to start treatment again.”I said sighing as I walked over and pulled two water bottles out of the refrigerator. She had never met my mom. I don’t usually like to introduce people to her until I know the girl is worth it.

“Does she know about me?”she asked as I handed her the bottle and opened mine.

“Nope.”I said and her eyes widened. “I mean she’s weird about this kinda stuff. I’m her only son and she worries people are using me. I just like to let people meet her and let her form her own opinion.”

“What if she doesn’t like me?”she asked looking up at me. My mom would LOVE her I don’t know why she was so worried.

“Then I guess I’ll have to get rid of you.”I said smiling. She laughed and pushed me off of her.

“You’re not getting rid of me anytime soon sir.”she said smiling back at me. I loved her so much.

“So did you like me serenading you today.”I asked walking over to the corner of the room to get my stuff ready to get back on the bus and get to the airport to catch our flight to Orlando to see my mama.

“I loved it!”she said standing up to help me carry our bags. “It was really sweet…not really understanding the second verse.”she said and I narrowed my eyebrows. I remembered that night well.

****

“So how was it babe?”I asked rolling over on my arm to look at her. She looked at me for a second contemplating what she was going to say. I knew I was awesome in bed I didn’t need her to tell me.

“It was good.”she said rolling over the opposite way from me sighing.

“Convincing…best you ever had…”I said dragging it out. She hated talking about sex period so I loved to fuck with her.

“Yea.”she said quietly.

****

“Come on it was that night in the hotel room when I asked you to move to LA with me.”I said.

“Oh AJ PLEASE! That was like the first time we had sex, of course it was gonna be awkward.”she said pulling her bookbag straps on. I took my hat off of the end table and pulled it onto my head rolling my eyes.

“I thought it was awesome.”I said following her out the door.

“AJ I could be fully clothed and bend over in front of you and you would cum in your pants and think that was awesome.”she said sarcastically and I laughed. She wasn’t normally funny, but that was pretty good…mostly because it was true.

“I can’t help it.”I said putting my hand in hers as we walked towards the bus.

“You can help it.”she said squeezing my hand as she looked over and smiled at me. She leaned up against the bus as I fumbled through my pockets to get the keys and then I remembered Nick had mine because he was a dumbass and lost his. “Nick has them.”I said sighing. “Everybody should be coming right behind us in the next little bit.”I said putting my bags down. She sighed as I put my hand on the side of her face and leaned in to kiss her. “Come on…I don’t want Baylee to see this when the rest of them…”she said as I started to kiss her neck. “Nevermind.”she said and I laughed as I pressed my waist into hers. Suddenly my head was filled with images of what I could only imagine her and Nick looked like when they were doing it…UGH! I pulled away from her and dropped my hands to my sides. She looked up at me and narrowed her eyes.

“What’s wrong?”she asked nervously. She grabbed my hand and pulled me back to her.

“Nothing…”I said pulling my hand out of hers. “You’re just right about Baylee.”


~~CAROLINE~~

AHHHHHHHHH! I am SO freakin nervous right now. I am basically going to walk into his mother’s house and she doesn’t know a damn thing about me. That worried me that he had never mentioned me to her. In fact, it worried me A LOT! Speaking of mothers I had been ignoring mine since my father’s funeral. It was just to hard to talk to her because it reminded me of Dad and I still wasn’t fully okay with dealing with that.

“You okay?”AJ said putting his hand in mine as we walked towards the side door of his mother’s house. Ever since we were making out by the bus last night he was being really weird. Im going to just attribute it to him having to talk to his mother and leave it at that.

“Yea.”I said trying to give him a smile. I was really trying not to throw up. This was really important for me to make a good impression.

“HI HONEY!!!”a short stubby woman said opening the door. She was ecstatic!

“Hi mom!”he said pulling her into a hug. I envied their relationship. I wish my mother greeted me like that. She looked over at me as her smile faded a bit. I must have looked nervous as shit. “This is Caroline.”he said and she surprisingly pulled me into a hug. I hesitantly put my arms around her as well. He looked over at me with thumbs up and I laughed a little.

“Come on inside. I’m so glad you could make it.”she said shooing us inside. We sat down on the couch in the living room.After about fifteen minutes of being there talking about the tour I could tell AJ was getting nervous. He had gotten progressively more quiet as the conversation went on.

“Mom I gotta tell you something.”he said looking down at the floor.

“You guys are getting married?!?”she said clapping her hands together. Hell no.

“Um no.”he said looking over at me laughing. “I’m going back into treatment.”he said bluntly. I could tell his mother was hit with a pile of bricks as the tears flooded into her eyes. “I’m sorry…”he said and I could hear his voice cracking. It must be really hard to know you disappointed your mother like that. I was really uncomfortable.

“This is your fault isn’t it.”she said looking up at me. I stammered a little bit to find something to say, but he spoke for me.

~~AJ~~

“No mom. It’s not like that again.”I said thinking back to my former drug addicted girlfriend. “She is actually the one who called Kevin to convince me to go in again….it’s not as bad as last time.” I was lying of course. I lied a lot lately. My mother looked so disappointed and I felt horrible. I remember the first time I’d told her I was going in and she was happy I had made the decision, but this time it was worse because it was a relapse meaning the treatment didn’t work the first time. Caroline looked like she was going to cry. I couldn’t believe my mother had accused her of being the reason.

“Then what is it Alex?”she asked and honestly I couldn’t answer her, because I didn’t know.

“I was just stressed with the tour and everything mom. I don’t…I guess I don’t know.”I said looking down at the floor away from her. I could feel her stare on me. I just couldn’t keep looking at her face.

“I would assume you need to figure that out before this treatment is over…and I hope your not going back to the same place you were before obviously that didn’t work.”she said and I pulled Caroline’s hand into mine. She had barely spoken a word since we got here.

“Well I’m not actually going anywhere…”I said and even Caroline’s head shot up. I hadn’t told Caroline anything about what my plan was. “I just got an apartment thing on the lake here in Orlando and I was thinking that you know me and her could stay there and she could help me through it and someone could come out when I needed them to.”

“AJ that’s not enough…I can’t do everything.”she said looking over at me. Finally she spoke up.

“She’s right babe.”my mom said shaking her head to agree. “You know you can’t do this on your own.”

“Well that’s what I’m gonna do so whatever.”I said standing up. I wasn’t going to take anymore ridicule from them. I was done with the whole conversation. This was my body and if I felt like I could handle it this way then I would.

“Don’t be like this.”mom said standing up grabbing onto my arm.

“Come on.”I said looking past her to Caroline. “I love you I’ll come by later.”I said pulling my mother into a tight hug.

A week later:

~~Caroline~~

“What time is the doctor coming today?” I asked walking in from the balcony of his apartment. I had been laying out on there all morning watching the boats and swimmers. We’d been here for about a week now and still hadn’t went out to get everything for the place yet. We had some furniture but no curtains you know little stuff and I was waiting to go do that after the doctor. AJ was laying on the couch watching something on television and totally did not hear a word I said. “AJ!” I yelled and he jumped. He looked up at me waiting for me to say something. “When is the doctor coming?”I asked again. He shrugged and turned back to the tv. “Well I need to know when I need to get ready to go shopping.”I pressed on.

“Caroline I said I don’t know.”he was getting annoyed. “Here call him and see.”he said throwing his phone at me. Luckily I caught it. I rolled my eyes and walked out of the room to make the call. You would think he was deaf from how loud he had the show turned up.

“Drew’s Rehabilitation Center this is Jude how may I help you?”a woman’s voice said on the other end.

“Hey yes I just needed to get some information on what time the doctor will be stopping by my house today…the name is Alex Mclean.”I said sitting down on the edge of the bed in our bedroom. I could hear her typing away on the keyboard.

“Ma’m I am not aloud to give out any information on this patient without speaking to him directly. Is he anywhere around?”she asked and I got up and made my way back into the living room.

“They need to talk to you directly.”I said handing him the phone. He grabbed it from me and I walked back into the bathroom to start the shower. I could hear AJ walking around in the bedroom behind me pulling on his bluejeans. His belt buckle was loud as hell.

“So what time is he coming?”I asked as I saw him walk past the door.

“He’s not.”he said stopping by the door pulling on a black tshirt.

“Why not?”I asked surprised.

“Because I told him not to.”he said walking away from the door. Why the fuck would he do that? I knew he wasn’t serious about this. I am so stupid.

“Why?”I asked walking out of the bathroom to talk to him.

“Because I don’t feel like I need it today.”he said nonchalantly as he sat back on the bed. “Come here baby.”he said pulling on me. I refused to budge and he stopped.

“You don’t get to decide whether or not you feel like it. That was the point of you doing it here…he has to come see you every week.”I said putting my hands on my hips.

“I do get to decide because it was my choice to start this again.”he said standing up pulling his bracelets off the bedside table sliding them over his wrists. Where was he going?

“I’m going to go get lunch with Chris.”he said referring to his best friend. I was hurt.

“I thought we were going shopping to look for all of the house stuff today.”I said sighing.

“Here babe.”he said reaching into his wallet pulling out his credit card. “I put your name on it. You can use it now.”I took the black card from him and set it down on the table beside me. I crossed my arms and looked up at him. “Don’t be mad…I trust you to pick out whatever.”he said putting his hands on my shoulders.

“It’s not that. I just…I thought we could spend the day together that’s all.”I said walking back into the bathroom to turn off the shower. I’m sure it was cold by now.

“So wait until I get back…”he said. He was really starting to piss me off today.

“I don’t want to wait until then. I’ve been waiting all fuckin day.”I said rolling my eyes. It would be to late by the time they got done anyways.

“Don’t be like that….I’ll meet you at whatever store you’re at when we get done.”he yelled from the kitchen. I heard him grab his keys off the counter. “I love you.”he said walking back into the bathroom where I was slowly applying my makeup. I had given up on the shower. He kissed me on the cheek and walked out the door. Asshole.

~~AJ~~

“What’s up dude?”I said grabbing Chris’ hand as he pulled me into a hug. It’d been a long time since I had seen him. I use to see him everyday, but since I’d met Caroline she had replaced him being there everyday.

“Long time no see.”he said sitting down at the table. We had decided to come eat at this outside bar place.

“No shit how are things man…”I said leaning back in my chair.

“Pretty okay. How’s the girl?”he asked as the waitress came over.

“She’s good. I just bought an apartment here that’s why I called you out. I’m going to be here a little bit more now.”I said. “I’ll have um…you know what bring me a water and two shots of Jack.”Chris looked over at me stunned.

“Aren’t you quitting?”he asked surprised. I just wanted to loosen up, two shots wouldn’t kill me.

“Slowly but surely.”I said smiling. He hesitantly smiled back at me. After an hour of talking back and forth we were totally tanked. This wasn’t exactly curing my alcoholism was it? At least I hadn’t done any coke today…yet.

“Nick what’s up man?”I said answering my phone.

“Dude Caroline’s calling all us looking for you. She said you were supposed to meet her a while ago and she couldn’t get in touch with you.”Nick said and I sat up in my chair trying to focus on what he was saying. Chris and I must have been here for a long time as I noticed it was getting a little dark. There was no way either of us could drive.

“Oh shit…Nick you’re here right…at your house here right?”I said stumbling over my words.

“Yes dude are you okay?”he asked. He must have noticed I was drunk.

“I’m great listen man call Caroline and wherever she is just go meet her there and hang out with her. I’ll meet up with you guys in a bit.”I said and hung up the phone. So he is probably the last person I should have sent to go hang out with her, but better to have him go then no one show up.

~~Caroline~~

Why is he being like this? I have called his phone over a million times today and still no answer. This is really upsetting me. He is supposed to be here with me shopping for his house stuff. I don’t wanna buy anything because I’m afraid he will hate it, but at the same time if I come back with nothing he will wonder what I was doing all day. FINALLY Nick calls me back maybe he got in touch with him.

“Hey where are you? He got caught up in something and he can’t come so he wants me to keep you company.”Nick said on the other end. That’s odd. Why would he choose Nick out of everybody to come.

“I’m just at Linen’s N Things downtown…you don’t have to come Nick. It’s not a big deal. I’ll just head home.”I said looking around the store at the curtains.

“I don’t have anything to do. I can come. It’s okay.”he said sighing. I knew he didn’t want to. It’d been awkward enough last week on the final tour days.

“Nick really it’s fine.”I said throwing some black curtains into the shopping cart.

“I’m already in my car. See you in a few.”he said and the line went dead. I pressed end and called AJ again.

“Leave a message.”AJ’s voice said on the second ring. That bastard ignored my call. I was getting really upset.

“AJ You better call me back soon or I swear to God I will get my shit out of that apartment before you get back home and go live somewhere else. CALL ME BACK!”I said getting louder towards the end as I saw Nick walking in the door. Of course, all of the cashiers had noticed him and he was now going to get sucked into talking to them for a bit. I decided to save him from it and walked over to him.

“Hey.”I said tugging on his arm. “I need your help.”I said pulling him away from the girls.

“Thanks.”he said as I dropped my arm from his.

“No problem.”I said as he looked behind him at the crowd of girls who were still staring at him. “I know you can’t go anywhere normal.”

~~Nick~~

She looked pretty today in her long black sundress. It framed her body perfect and it had a nicely placed slit right between her boobs and just a small amount of skin peeked through. She had curled her hair, which meant she had done it just to look pretty for him. I actually felt bad for her. She was beautiful and he was treating her like shit. He was drunk when I talked to him. I know he was. He chose alcohol over her again. I wasn’t going to say anything to her about it, but I wasn’t oblivious to the whole situation. I knew what was going on. He was leading her on about getting better. This whole do it yourself crap was just an excuse to hide it from everyone. I was on to him.

“Got enough black and red?”I said looking through her cart.

“He likes those colors.”she said looking up at me as we strolled through the bed linen isle.

“But what do you like?”I asked. It had always seemed to me that she did everything for him and he did nothing back for her. I could be wrong. I’m not always there.

“Black and red.”she said and I laughed. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe they were perfect for each other. Things had been really weird between me and her since the whole incident when Aaron was with us. We hadn’t really said much to each other until now. It’s not that I regretted sleeping with her. It was awesome and spontaneous and wow I may just get a boner thinking about it. Calm down Nick. It just she’s with AJ and I am not coming between them again. Last time was enough. Point made she looks hot today.

“You look pretty.”I said and she smiled. I just wanted her to know someone had noticed.

“Thanks.”she said giving me a weird look. Massage chairs AWESOME! I sat down in it and closed my eyes as I felt the “hands” massage my back.

“Nick come on. I do not have time for this.”she said laughing at the faces I was making.

“Really what else do you have to do?”I said and she shrugged. She knew I was right.

“Something other than this…”she said holding her hand out for me to help me up. I put my hand in hers after a few more minutes of her coaxing me up. I noticed how well our hands fit together. Stop it Nick. This is AJ’s girlfriend. I have to stop. I dropped my hand from hers as we walked towards the check out.

“You hungry?”I asked as she started to put her things at the checkout. I looked at the checkout girl and smiled because she was staring us down.

“Starving.”she said pulling out her phone. “You know he’s just now calling me back. I’m not even going to answer.”she said closing it back putting it back in her pocketbook. Good girl. I noticed she handed the lady AJ’s credit card. Stupid move on his part. He must really trust her.

“Let’s get something to eat.”I said grabbing the cart from her leaning on it so I glided towards AJ’s car she had come in.

“I should really get home.”she said opening the trunk to the Range.

“You can spare an hour…I’m wasting away here. I need some food.”I said putting her bags in the back of the car.

“Fine Nick.”she said. “I’ll bring you back here when we’re done.” Mission Accomplished.

~~Caroline~~

Wow. So our dinner was CRAZY EXPENSIVE! Nick had wanted to go to this real nice place in Downtown Disney. I couldn’t believe how expensive all of the meals were. He had paid of course and I felt horrible, but what was I going to use AJ’s credit card to pay for my meal with Nick. No way. We had had a few drinks and I think the bill came out to around four hundred before tip.

“Thanks for dinner, and for keeping me occupied.”I said as we had arrived back at Linen’s N Things parking lot. He looked over at me and smiled.

“It was fun.”he said patting me on the hand. “See you soon.”he said opening the door to get out. He leaned in to hug me, but lingered holding me for a second. Awkward.

“You can always call me to hang out…I’ll be staying in Florida for a while.”he said pulling away from me standing by the door.

“Sure Nick.”I said and smiled as he shut the door. I think I was developing a tiny crush on him. Fifteen minutes later I was back at our apartment and I walked in expecting to get into the biggest fight ever with AJ. I was ready to kill him after the way today had played out. I was glad that he had sent Nick, I guess I should feel bad about that. As I opened the door I noticed the red petals on the floor. What is this? I dropped the bags on the floor and looked around at the candle lit house.

“AJ?”I said looking around for him. I suppose I should follow this trail of roses. So corney, but so cute.

“Out here.”I heard from the balcony. All of I had to do was here his voice and I was already ashamed of going to dinner with Nick. Nothing had happened, he had sent Nick to hang out with me. I guess I shouldn’t feel bad. It was his idea.

“You did all of this?”I said surprised by what lay before me outside. He had fixed a perfect dinner of steak and potatoes and candles lit everywhere. It was beautiful with the lake view. He had even dressed up and had on a crimson dress shirt with a black skull tie.

“I’m sorry about today.”he said standing up from his chair. “I got caught up with Chris and lost track of time…did Nick meet you?”he said putting his arms around my waist.

“Yea…we already ate though. We went to this nice place near Disney.”I said and his face saddened.

“Oh.”he said and looked away from me.

“I’m sorry. You just didn’t answer my calls all day so I didn’t know.”I said watching him blow out the candles.

“It’s fine.”he said walking past me with the plates.

“AJ don’t be like that.”I said as he dumped the food in the trash.

“No really it’s fine. I’m glad you and Nick had a good time.”he said and sat down on the couch to watch TV.

~~AJ~~

It was almost time for me to release my solo CD, a time for me to do my own thing, by myself without the boys. They had all done it. Brian had had his time. Nick did his thing. Kevin just flat out left...I suppose Howie was still in my boat. Now the record label wants us to do more tour dates throughout November and work on a new album after that which means my solo CD will be pushed back AGAIN probably until like February.

“No Johnny I mean that’s fine I guess…we always said the group comes first before us individually.”I said rubbing my forehead from the massive headache I felt coming on as I was sitting at the bar in the kitchen.

“AJ I don’t want you to be upset with this. You guys just had so much success on this tour I want ya to ride it out you know.”Johnny said sighing. He knew I was upset and how hard I had been working on this CD.

“I said it’s fine man.”I said watching Caroline outside laying out. She had been doing that a lot lately. I was still really upset about last night. I had made this perfect night for us and she was out having dinner and drinks with Nick.

“Alright dude I’ll talk to you later then.”he said and I hung up the phone. I laid my head down on the counter as Caroline walked in from outside sliding the door shut behind her.

“What’s wrong babe?”she asked walking over to me. We hadn’t really spoken the rest of the night last night or this morning…really until this moment.

“Johnny called…”I said picking my head up to look at her. “They want to push my solo album back so I can go back into the studio with the boys and they scheduled more dates throughout the rest of this month and November.”she walked over and sat at the barstool next to me.

“So did you ask him when exactly you were supposed to take the time to get better…”she said looking over at me.

“No…”I said as she grabbed my hand. “Because I didn’t tell him in the first place.”I felt her grip loosen as she looked over at me angrily.

“You know you’re not taking this very seriously.”she said sighing. “I’m beginning to think you don’t want to get better.”

“How could you even say that?”I asked watching her stand up. She walked to the refrigerator and pulled out a water bottle.

“Because you’re not acting like it.”she said and walked past me into the bedroom. I got up off of my stool and followed her because if I didn’t we wouldn’t speak for the rest of the day and we had plans.

“When are Brian and Leighanne coming here?”I asked changing the subject. She was slowly undressing by the closet and I couldn’t help but get turned on.

“In the next little bit so you need to get ready.”she said turning around to look at me exposing her naked chest. We hadn’t had sex since we moved in a week ago. I guess we’d just been busy I don’t know. We were supposed to go out on Nick’s boat today, something the two of them had set up last night on their stupid dinner because Brian was flying in today for us to start brainstorming for the next album.

“I’m ready.”I said dropping my pants so I was in just my underwear. She looked over at me and slightly smiled while rolling her eyes. “Come here.”I said holding my hand out to her. “I’m sorry I didn’t meet you yesterday like I said.”I said trailing my fingers down her sides. I leaned down to kiss her and rested my hand on the side of her face.

“I guess you’ll have to make it up to me right…”she said pulling away from me. She leaned back on the bed spreading her legs open as she leaned against the headboard. I walked over to her and began to kiss the inside of her thighs as the doorbell rang. I sighed and fell back on the bed WHY?!?

“I told you soon.”she said walking over to the closet to pull on her bathing suit. I walked out into the living room and opened the door to see Brian and Leighanne and Baylee all ready to go out on the boat. Nick was going to drive his boat over here and pick us up on my dock.

“What’s up guys?”I said clearing the way for them to come in.

“Nice new place you got.”Brian said pulling me into a hug.

“What’s up little man?”I said bending down to give Baylee a high five.

“Mom got me brand new floats to use on the lake today! I can’t wait!”he said as his hand slapped up to mine.

“Awesome!”I said and his parents laughed as Caroline came out to greet them. Her phone rang on the counter and she walked into the other room to answer it. Weird.

“Nick’s already outside.”she said walking back into where we were. Why did he call her and not me? Maybe my phone is off…nope I thought pulling my phone out of my pocket to see if I had a missed call. Hmmmm.

~~Caroline~~

AJ had been acting really weird the whole time we were on the boat. I guess we had all been drinking the Coronas Nick had brought and he had to look at that the whole time…maybe that had something to do with it. I don’t know. Everytime I talked to Nick or even got near him he freaked out.

“You wanna drive the boat in?”Nick asked looking over at me.

“Me oh no I don’t wanna have to pay for another one when I crash into it.”I said and he smiled. AJ’s arm tightened around me almost not letting me move to get up to go drive.

“Come on. It’s easy.”he said patting his leg. I was hesitant about sitting on his lap. How weird would that be? I sat on the edge of his knee barely even touching him as I guided the boat back into the harbor.

“YOU DID IT!”Baylee said clapping as the boat came to a stop.

“I did didn’t I!”I said laughing with him. I looked over at AJ to see if he was proud. He only looked like he wanted to die. What was his problem today?

“Babe you want me to go grab the burgers and stuff?”I said as I grabbed AJ’s hand for him to pull me out of the boat.

“I’ll get it.”he said not smiling. Normally he was so into me and today he was just so ugh emotionless. It was really starting to get to me.

“Don’t let it get to you.”Nick said coming up behind me as AJ brushed past us to go back up to his place. They had a cookout area in his apartment near the water area which was covered with sand and a little playground where Baylee could play so we decided to grill out there for a late lunch. We had stayed out on the lake all day. It was nearly five now.

“Don’t you think he’s being weird?”I said as Nick caught the football Brian was throwing him from the other side of the yard.

“Very.”Leighanne said answering my question as she walked by.

~~AJ~~

As I walked out into the sand from apartment building I couldn’t help but feel jealous watching her playing football with Nick and Brian. I just can’t help but to be jealous. These were not feelings I was use to with other girls I had dated. I guess I just didn’t care. Nick just tackled her and was now sitting on top her not getting off.

“Hey! Let’s get these going!”I said walking towards them with the plate full of patties.

“Just be patient man.”Brian said throwing the ball towards me knocking me in the stomach as the all laughed.

“Nick I don’t even have the ball!”Caroline squeeled as he tickled her still lightly sitting on top of her. I threw the ball and it hit Nick directly in the head. He stood up off of her confused at why I had done that. He wasn’t the smartest guy in the world.

“That’s what you get! TOUCHDOWN MOTHER FUCKER!!!”Caroline yelled running with the ball to the other side dodging Brian.

“I’ll get you back later.”Nick said smiling at her as he gave her a high five.

“So you didn’t wanna wear your eyeliner onto the lake?”Caroline asked walking up to me smiling trying to catch her breath.

“I ran out.”I said and she laughed.

“You don’t wanna play with us…I could use a teammate. I’m getting doubleteamed by those jerks.”she said and I laughed at her choice of words.

“Yea I’ll play…let’s switch up the teams though. Rok you’re on my team.”I said that way I could be the one doing the tackling.

“Ready….”Caroline said bending over in front of Nick to hike the ball…maybe I should have been on her team .

“Nick pay attention!”Caroline yelled as the ball smacked him in his chest. He was too busy staring at her ass to focus on getting the ball. Ass. She grabbed it off the ground and ran towards me full force. I grabbed her and lightly threw her to the ground sitting on top of her lap.

“Gotcha.”I said as our faces were so close our noses were touching.

“You don’t got nothing.”she said smiling as she pushed me off of her. Was that a medifore for our relationship? I grabbed her hand as I pulled her back down on top of me.

“I got you.”I said leaning up to kiss her as I was laying back on the grass holding onto both of her hands.

“Come on we got kids here!”Nick said yelling at us to break it apart. Why was it so awkward being around them right now? There was some serious tension going on between them.

~~Nick~~

Why was I feeling like this? Why had I even yelled at them to stop making out on the ground? It was like word vomit seriously I didn’t even think before I yelled. Why did I care that they, as a serious couple, were making out?

“You like her.”Leighanne said sitting beside me on the picnic table.

“What?”I asked surprised. I did not.

“You like her.”she said again giving me the duh look.

“I do not. She’s with my best friend.”I said shaking my head no.

“You’re lying. You like her.”she said smiling.

“Stop it!”I said laughing watching the two of them start to cook the burgers. She wasn’t my type. No way. To many tattoos and too much black. Just not me.

“Well you do. I’m not an idiot and neither is AJ so you better straighten it out.”she said. Leighanne was always the relationship counselor. I guess her and Brian had a perfect one so she felt compelled to let everyone know how she felt about everyone else’s relationships. “She wears her heart on her sleeve Nick. Don’t be stupid about this.”I guess that was her warning to not fuck it up for her and AJ.

“I wasn’t going to.”I said and she rolled her eyes.

“I’ve known you long enough Nicky. You always want what you can’t have.”she said stuffing a chip in her mouth as she walked away to go get Baylee ready to eat. Was she right? I mean I guess so…with every girlfriend I have had they’ve been with other guys and I have stolen them away then gotten bored and broken it off. Oh my God. She was totally right.

~~Caroline~~

“So Chris wants me to go out with him tonight.”AJ said walking up behind me as we had just gotten done eating. I guess that was who he had been texting all night.

“Well are you gonna go I mean we got a lot of people over…tell him to come here.”I said leaning my head back to see him as he stood over me with his hands on my shoulders.

“I already asked…he’s got a date or something, wants me to tag along so it won’t be weird.”he said looking down at me. “You guys don’t mind if I leave in a bit do you?”he asked looking at the rest of the guys. They all shook their heads no. I cared. I thought it was incredibly rude so as he turned to walk away I ran up behind him to confront him about this. I grabbed his arm and turned him back around to look at me.

“You can’t just go out while we have people visiting AJ!”I said pretty loudly. I didn’t mean for it to be as loud as it was because Leighanne, Brian, Nick and Baylee all looked up at the same time at us.

“You don’t have to make this into such a big deal!”he said back looking down at my hand on his arm. “It’s just Brian and Nick…I’ll see them when I get back.”he said shrugging.

“You just don’t get it.”I said looking away from him crossing my arms. “You have been so different lately, ever since we moved here. I just understand where its coming from.”

“You’re reading to much into it baby.”he said trying to get me to smile.

“No I’m not. You can be such an asshole sometimes.”I said turning to walk away from him. I walked back to the table ready to cry. Why was he leaving all the time now? Everything just wasn’t adding up. I hated the person he had become in the past week. He was just such a jerk. He only cared about himself.

“I’m sorry.”I said sitting down next to Nick giving Leigh and Brian a slight smile.

“Not your fault girl.”Leighanne said putting her hand on top of mine. She squeezed it lightly to let me know it’d be okay.

“Well I guess we’re going to head to our hotel then since party pooper ruined the night.”Brian said picking Baylee up. He had fallen asleep with his head on the table.

“Later Rok…”Nick said as they pounded their fists together. “Studio in the morning right?”

“Bright and early!”Brian said smiling.

“Bye.”I said waving to them as they walked out of sight. And then there was just me and Nick.

~~Nick~~

“You okay?”I asked looking over at her. I just didn’t get AJ sometimes. Why was he treating her this way? His friend Chris was more important to him…no that’s not it, getting drunk and high was more important to him.

“I’ll be fine.”she said sniffling. She had been looking away from me for a hot minute so I knew she had started to cry.

“Hey.”I said pushing her lightly to get her to cheer up. “I’m still here…we still got my boat. It’s a beautiful night and it’s only ten oclock.” She looked up at me and smiled. Watch yourself Carter. This is where you make your mistake.

“Not tonight.”she said letting me down.

“I don’t take no for an answer.”I said pulling her up off of the picnic table bench we were sitting on. “Come on…”I said dragging her back to the dock. I saw the lights in AJ’s apartment go off and I knew he had left for the club. “Now you sit here…it’s the best view.”I said making her sit at the front of the boat. I took my driver’s seat and began to pull out of the dock. The water was beautiful tonight with the moon reflecting on the ripples, or maybe it was her sitting on the front edge of my boat staring intently out onto the lake.

~~AJ~~

I was lying to them. I had been the one to call Chris. I just didn’t want to look at Caroline and Nick anymore. I know its my stupid imagination. It’s probably the lack of drugs today, partly why I called Chris. It’s just knowing they had sex, I was okay with, but seeing them hanging out together and flirting and whatever is just disgusting. I liked it better when it was awkward for them and they didn’t talk.

“Hey dude.”I said picking up the phone as I saw Chris’ name pop up on the caller ID.

“Bar’s closed. It’s Sunday.”he said sighing as I stopped my car at the redlight outside of my apartment complex.

“Damn…okay well come here. You can bring the girl.”I said making a U-turn heading back to my place.

“You sure?”he asked.

“Oh yea…I need something to keep my mind off things.”I said pulling into a parking spot out front. “Caroline left on Nick’s boat right when I was leaving.”

“Oh shit man…”he said and paused, but I had nothing to say about it. “I’ll be there soon.”

~~NICK~~

“Want a beer?”I asked pulling the cooler out from under my feet as I stopped the boat in the middle of the lake. We were half way to my house by now. She held out her hand and took the bottle out of mine.

“So talk…”I said plopping myself down next to her. “Tell me what’s going on.”

“Nick I don’t need a therapist.”she said narrowing her eyes at me.

“But you do need a friend.”I said making her smile.

“He’s just so different all of the sudden. I mean you saw him at that soundcheck with the song and everything and its like we come back to Orlando and he’s super jerk.”she said playing with a string on the blanket I had given her. It was kinda cold out tonight.

“No he’s being AJ.”I said rolling my eyes. “Do you love him? I mean when you really sit back and think about it do you love him, or are you lonely?”I asked surprising myself I had asked it.

“Yea…I mean I love what he use to be. I don’t like him now. I mean what do you think as an outsider.”she asked taking a sip out of her beer. She had almost downed the whole thing. I was impressed.

“I think you deserve more. I think you’re beautiful and he’s just being stupid. You’re to good for him.”I said and she rolled her eyes.

“Nick stop it.”she said laughing.

“Caroline I’m serious. He doesn’t understand what he has. He’s wasting it. You deserve so much more than what he is willing to give to you right now.”

~~Caroline~~

I couldn’t believe what Nick was saying to me. I had never heard him be so serious.

“He says he loves you, but if he did he’d be sitting here not me.”he said sitting with his legs crossed Indian style looking at me. He was right.

“Which one is your house?”I asked changing the subject as I was looking at the houses lit up a little ways down the harbor. This was getting to intense for me. I loved AJ, of course I did.

“That little one right there.”he said pointing squinting his eyes because it was so far away.

“Let’s go there.”I said standing up to throw my empty bottle into the trash can. He got up behind me and walked to the back to pull the anchor up. “Don’t fall.”I said putting my hands on his waist so he jumped.

“You think your funny huh?”he asked laughing as he walked back over to the driver’s seat. “I’ll getcha later.”he said making me laugh. Stupid gansta talk. Haha.

“You drive us there…”he said holding his hand out spreading his legs out for me to sit in between them in the driver’s seat. “You were good at it earlier.” I walked over to where he was sitting trying not to fall over half from the beers and half from the waves. I sat in between his legs. I wasn’t the smallest girl, I wore a size ten in pants, but he was a big guy, tall I mean so I fit between his legs. I leaned back into him as the boat jerked into forward. I knew he was close to me because I could feel the bill of his hat hitting the top of my head as we drove forward. He was careful with his arms and kept them at his sides. It was cute actually. He was really trying to be a gentleman about the whole thing.

“Oh good God!”I said as my phone rang and brought me out of my thoughts. It scared me! “It’s AJ.”I said looking down at the caller ID. I hit ignore and looked back at Nick. He nodded his head in the yes position letting me know it was the right thing to do. It felt weird but good at the same time to be this close to him. I don’t know if I should be feeling like this, but AJ was being such a jerk lately I couldn’t help but gravitate towards someone who treated me right.

“Pull it in right here.”he said pointing to his dock. Ahhhhh this is so hard. He put the boat into neutral and climbed out behind me hopping onto the dock to he could tie the boat off. “Just turn the wheel my way and I should be able to pull it in.”he said pulling the rope.
He extended his hand to me as I walked towards the edge of the boat. I grabbed his hand and he helped me out.

~~NICK~~

“And this is the best part of my house…”I said spreading my arms open so she could step out onto my porch which overlooked the entire lake.

“Oh wow…Nick…”she said walking to the edge to fully see everything. “This is beautiful.”she said and starting going on about some story of when she was younger. I had started to tune her out. I was to focused on her white cover up blowing in the breeze.

“Ready to drive me back. It’s getting late.”she said unexpectedly. I had expected her to just stay here not that anything would happen and me just drive her back in the morning. I had been wrong apparently.

“Yea sure.”I said looking down at my watch noticing we had already been here for an hour. I followed her back down to the dock and untied the boat as she backed it out of the harbor.

“Don’t leave me!”I said acting scared as I jumped on the front of the boat nearly slipping off backwards.

“I shoulda left you.”she said laughing as I slid into the seat behind her. I put my hands on top of hers on the steering wheel and after a few seconds she moved them away.

~~CAROLINE~~

“You’re beautiful.”he whispered kissing my neck and collar bone a few times. What was he doing to me? I should not be doing this.

“Nick stop…”I said as he continued to plant kisses moving up to my cheek. “This is wrong.” The boat was barely moving now. He had moved his hand off of the speed and was using them to rub up my sides.

“I won’t tell him.”he said continuing to kiss my neck. He made me feel sexy. He made me feel wanted. “You need this right now…you need someone to make you feel appreciated.”he whispered as I let my hands fall to his thighs. I couldn’t help it. I had no control over what was happening. “No one can see us. No one to let out the secret this time.”he said as I turned to face him.

“This is wrong Nick.”I said as he put his forhead up to mine.

“It feels right.”he said and lightly pressed his lips to mine. His lips were soft, not like AJ’s who’s were always chapped from the alcohol. His kiss was sweet and loving…weirdly enough it felt safe like this is what I was supposed to be doing. “That’s all I wanted.”he said pulling away from me. God I’m an idiot but he is just so damn cute.

“You gotta take me home.”I said rubbing my lips together as I looked down. I was ashamed. VERY ashamed! The thing was we weren’t drunk, I mean sure we’d had a few beers but we very well knew what we were doing.

“Don’t worry this will be our secret.”he said as we pulled up to AJ’s dock. I could already feel the tension growing as I stepped out.

“See you tomorrow.”Nick said waving as I watched him pull away from the dock. I feel like I should be walking with my head down. I was not going to be able to look AJ in the face. I mean we had kissed, big deal, but it was SO much more than a kiss. I wanna get all giddy about it, but I just feel so horrible. I am really confused. I expected AJ to still be out but as I neared the hallway entrance I heard the TV on and people talking.

“Have fun?”AJ asked sitting back on the couch watching TV with Chris and some mystery blonde chick.

“We just went on the boat a little bit…”I said avoiding eye contact. I could see from my side vision that the smile he had on had faded. Ugh! Shoot me!

“You wanna hang out with us for a bit we’re just watching It’s Always Sunny?”he asked turning the TV down a little bit.

“No babe I’m beat from today…not really feeling well. I’m going to head to bed.”I said walking into the bedroom.

“I love you.”he yelled from the living room.

“Goodnight.”I said hearing my phone vibrate in my pants pocket as I made it to the bed.

Carter: I like you.

Oh Jesus Christ! This was supposed to be a SECRET!

Reply: Nick I can’t do this. I can’t do this to him.
Carter: Well when you finally come around to see what’s in your face I’ll be here.
Reply: Stop it. Goodnight Nick.

-AJ-

“Where are you going?”I asked walking into our bedroom as she was pulling up her boots onto her feet.

“Get my nails done…”she said looking up at me zipping up one of the sides. “They look like shit.”

“Maybe I’ll come with you.”I said looking at my own nails. The paint was super chipped on almost all of them. Touring doesn’t do much for your hygiene.

“To get my nails done?”she asked narrowing her eyebrows at me. I know it’s weird, but it feels good. It’s not like I get them painted pink…it’s always black. I think that’s kinda manly…right?

“Yea dude.”I said holding out my hands to her so she could see mine. “Mine look like shit.”I said and she smiled slightly and shook her head.

“You’re such a girl.”she said standing up as I pulled my black pants on to go with her.

“I am not.”I said laughing. “I just like to look pretty.”

“Oh my.”she said walking towards the door as I followed behind her. “If you wanna come let’s go then.”she said sighing as she pulled her pocketbook over her shoulder. I kind of got the impression she didn’t really want me there. Something was weird with her today.

-Caroline-

So Nick texted me this morning to see if I wanted to go to lunch, I should have said no because my excuse was to get my nails done and for him to meet me there, but now I have Mr. Tag A Long so I don’t know what I’m going to do. I can’t text him and tell him not to come because AJ is going to ask who I’m talking to and gosh I can’t do this. I should have never went on his boat with him last night. It’s just things have gotten so ridiculous between well really all of us that my head is literally spinning in a thousand directions. I love AJ, I do, but his alcohol thing is just taking its toll on me and Nick is there when I need him. I know I keep saying that…maybe its just because he is so damn hot. When he smiles…I can’t help myself. I’m only human.

“You want pedicure?”the Vietnamese lady said as we walked into the nail salon, apparently AJ frequented there before and they remembered him because he was already sitting getting his shit done by the time they even noticed me. I can’t believe he made me wait and he needed to take those sunglasses off his face. I know he can’t see anything in here, it’s dark anyways.

“Yea and if I have time acrylic nails.”I said following her to the chair beside AJ. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket and saw Nick’s name on the caller ID. I ignored the phone call and a text from him arrived short after.

Carter: You there yet?

I hesitated on whether or not to even text him back, but AJ has his head leaned back and through the side of his glasses I could see his eyes were closed.

Reply: AJ’s with me…but I’m here.
Carter: Are you serious? Do you still want me to come?
Reply: I don’t know how you’re going to pull that off…you just randomly show up at a nail salon. That’s a little gay.
Carter: Maybe I like to get them done.
Reply: Maybe you should just call him and see where he is and say your stopping by to hang out with him…
Carter: Yea okay. See you soon babe.

Really though? Why with the babe? I don’t understand why he was not getting that we couldn’t do this. This was his career. This was his brother. This was his life. If AJ found out anything had happened, which nothing serious had happened yet, he would be devastated. Just out of my simple love for him, I shouldn’t be even talking to Nick this way.

“What’s up man?”AJ said picking up his phone. “Oh yea man, we are right by there. Stop in we’ll get lunch before we head to the studio…no really it’ll be good that way I can ride with you and Caroline can go home when we go.” Great I get to go home, exactly what I wanted my day to be. Another boring day in the apartment, I can only go shopping so much before it gets boring…maybe that’s what it was. I was bored.

“Nick’s going to stop by and wait on us to get done.”he said rubbing his hand up my leg.

“This your girlfriend.”the lady doing his toes said pointing to me.

“Yea. She’s beautiful right?”he said squeezing my thigh which was uncovered because I was wearing a sun dress.

“Yes, very beautiful.”the lady said as the door opened and Nick walked in. So I’m not gonna lie, he looked pretty fucking hot in his white long sleeved striped shirt and blue jeans. The Hurley belt buckle was a little big, but other than that…STOP IT! As you can see I am wrestling with this in my head.

“How’s it going man?”he said as he did his handshake with AJ. “And you?”he said pulling me into a hug as he kissed me on the cheek. I knew my face would be red and I knew AJ would see it.

“We got maybe like twenty minutes left.”AJ said and Nick took a seat at the front to wait. We kept making eye contact through out the rest of the nail visit. It was a bit uncomfortable.

“So did you vote man?”Nick asked as we sat down at the outside terrace café. Today was Voter’s Day. AJ and myself had sent in absentee ballots earlier in the month.

“Yea I sent in my ballot a few weeks ago.”he said pulling his chair up closer to the table. “Obama 08!”he said raising his arm in victory.

“Hell yea!”Nick said pounding his fist into AJ’s as they laughed.

“You see that’s what I don’t get, why do you rich people vote Democratic? You know you fall into that 1% that’s going to get taxed outrageously!”I said. I was really passionate about this election.

“Oh here we go with Miss Republican.”AJ said rolling his eyes. We had had many a discussion about this issue.

“I’m not a Republican. I just don’t understand why you vote for something that would directly affect you.”I said leaning back in my chair huffing as I crossed my arms.

“God don’t get all upset about it.”AJ said laughing along with Nick at how upset I was getting.

“I’m not it just pisses me off when you say shit like that.”I said looking away from him. He laughed a little bit more as the waitress came to get our drink order.

“Let me get Coke.”Nick said looking up at her. Randomly Nick’s foot had made it over to mine and he looked over at me as he rubbed his sandled foot up my leg and then quickly moved it away.

“I’ll have the same add a shot of Rum.”AJ said and my head shot over to him.

“No rum.”I said looking back at him. He looked away from the waitress back at me and then back to the waitress.

“With.”he said and I rolled my eyes.

“Nothing for me. I lost my appetite.”I said looking away from everyone as the waitress walked away.

“Are you gonna act like a bitch the whole day or just at lunch?”AJ said after a few minutes of silence.

“Dude come on.”Nick said trying to ease the tension.

“I’m just gonna go.”I said standing up. I was sick of this shit. He was being a super asshole today and I wasn’t going to take it. “Give me they keys. Ride with him.”I said as he pulled the keys out of his pocket.

“Later Nick.”I said looking past them. I heard Nick mumble something about the bathroom and he was soon fast on my tail.

“I’m not in the mood right now Nick.”I said turning back around to him as I approached AJ’s Range Rover.

“Hey, don’t be at me I didn’t do anything.”Nick said leaning himself up on the car by his hand as he leaned closer to me.

“I didn’t say that you did. I just am not going to be talked to like that and sit there and watch him drink you know?”I said breathing in deep.

“I know.”he said looking down at me. “Listen I gotta go get my new puppy tonight, I thought maybe you could come. It’d be a valid excuse to hang out with me.”

“I don’t know Nick.”I said thinking of how I would play this off.

“I’ll tell him your coming. Pleeeeaseee.”he said begging putting on a little boy smile.

“Fine.”I said crossing my arms. “But I hope you know what you’re getting yourself into with all of this Carter. You really need to think about it.”

“I know. See you tonight.”he said and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek as he pulled me into a hug.


-AJ-

“So what’s going on with you and her?”Nick asked as he sat back down after going to the bathroom.

“Nothing.”I said shrugging. “I guess she’s on her period.”He chuckled and then sighed.

“Well dude maybe it’s the drinking. I mean you are on a program to quit and you’re doing it in front of her you know?”he said and he was right. I just couldn’t help it. I don’t know why I ordered it. It just became habit.

“I know. What am I gonna do Nick? If I lose her I’ll die man.”I said putting his head in his hands as our food arrived. The smell of the burger I ordered made me want to puke at the moment. I had felt so sick lately. I dunno what it was.

“I’m going to take her with me tonight to pick up my new puppy because I think you guys just need a night apart.”Nick said and he was right. We were spending entirely to much time together.

“Thanks man.”I said watching him pull out his cell phone as I agreed to let it happen.

-Nick-

As I was driving to meet her at Taco Bell, I know corny but AJ hates the place so he would never come by there, I began to feel a little bit of remorse. I should have never asked AJ about their relationship, now I feel like the biggest asshole in the world. I just couldn’t stop myself. I know it will ruin my career and my relationship with him, but something is so real about her. I dunno. As I pulled up next to the Range Rover in the parking lot she climbed out of her car and locked it as she got into mine. She let out a deep breath, must have been nervous, and looked over at me.

“You okay?”I asked patting my hand on her leg.

“Will be.”she said swallowing deep. I hope she wasn’t going to puke or something.

“It’s just up the street here.”I said as we pulled onto a side street. I was going to get a playmate for my pitbull Layla to play with and the same mother Layla has just had puppies.

“Oh my gosh.”Caroline said smiling as she saw all of the puppies. Girls love puppies. I knew she would love it and that’s why I asked her to come.

“Nick this one is perfect…”she said holding up one of the white and red pits a few minutes later. “She likes you.”she said as I pulled the puppy out of her arms to examine it.

“I wanted to get a black one though.”I said looking around in all of the cages. “I want the puppy and Layla to have the same mom. That’s really important, her puppies are over here.”I spotted the puppy I wanted from a mile away and as Caroline trailed behind me with the white puppy in her arms I ran over to pick it up.

“This is it.”I said picking up the soft ball of fur in my arms and held up the face so she could see her blue eyes.

“Awww.”she said putting the puppies faces together to make them kiss. “Still this one!”she said smiling.

“If you want that one we’ll get both.”I said and she smiled bigger. I don’t know why I said it. I knew it’d make her happy. I guess.

“I can’t take this puppy home. Where would I have gotten it from? AJ already has two dogs.”she said kissing the puppy on the nose.

“It can stay at my house. You just have to promise to come take care of it.”I said as the property owner came by us to see if we were ready.

“That’s nice Nick but these dogs are like four hundred dollars.”she said putting the puppy back in the cage.

“I got this baby.”I said and it came off more cocky than it sounded in my head. I picked up the puppy she had put back down and handed them both to the owner.

“We’ll take both.”I said looking over at her as I put my arm around her. This was weirdly like a family thing we were doing together right? And even though I knew AJ was in her apartment waiting for her, it didn’t feel wrong.

-Caroline –

I can’t believe he just bought me that puppy. I mean I knew four hundred dollars to him was like nothing, but to me that A LOT of money just to spend on someone I wasn’t even dating, not to mention the commitment that was taking to take in two dogs. I was shocked actually, Nick had always seemed so stuck up and selfish, but I was coming around to him. He was changing my view. I looked down at my phone as it began to vibrate with a text from AJ.

Babe: You coming home soon?
Reply: Maybe we’re still at the dog place.
Babe: I’m sorry about earlier.
Reply: That’s what you always say.
Babe: At least I mean it everytime I say it.
Reply: but you don’t and that’s the thing.

“You texting AJ?”Nick asked walking up behind me as we stood in the isle of PetSmart.

“Yea he wants to know when I’m coming home.”I said looking over the different water and food bowls.

“Tell him never.”he said as he wrapped his arms around my shoulders from behind. “I kidnapped you.”I liked how much bigger Nick was than me. He could cover me completed and that made me feel safe.

“What are you going to name him?”he asked as he looked down at the puppy in my arms.

“Ace I think. That’s cute right?”I said pulling two of the bowls off the shelf.

“Yea I like it…I think I’m gonna name her Bella.”he said putting the puppy up on his shoulder. They were both so tired it was so cute.

“That’s really cute.”I said as we made our way to the checkout counter with our purchases.

- Nick –

Today was nice, I thought as we finally made it back to my house to start setting up for the puppies.

“Thank you Nick. This was beyond nice of you.”Caroline said as she pulled me into a hug after we had dropped the puppies down to let them sniff around.

“Give me a kiss on the cheek.”I said smiling. She blushed a little and as she went to kiss my cheek I turned my head quickly to kiss her on the mouth. I could feel her mouth turn into a closed smile as I had my eyes closed.

“You better stop it.”she said pulling away from me as I held onto her tight by her waist.

“Or what?”I said smiling as my forehead was pressed up to hers.

“Or nothing.”she said laughing as I tried to kiss her again and she turned her face away.

“Fine.”I said letting her go as I walked away from her around the bar into the kitchen.

“Nick!”she said putting her hands on her hips. “You better not be mad at me!”

“You better make it up to me.”I said leaning back against the counter. She walked over to me cautiously narrowing her eyebrows. I think for the first time she was going to make a move on me. She leaned into me and kissed me slowly. I rubbed my hand up her back as she continued to kiss me. This was seriously sexy. I know were just kissing, but it was slow and I don’t know, but it was hot. I rubbed my hand over her shirt strap and it slid down to her arm. She pulled away from me and looked up at me.

“You gotta take me home.”she said and I sighed. WTF! I seriously had the biggest boner ever in the world right now. I honestly thought we were going to do it.

“Or you could stay here.”I said leaning in to kiss her again.

“You know I can’t do that.”she said giving me a side smile.

“Maybe one day.”I said as she turned from to pick up her stuff off of the couch.

“Maybe.”she said and I turned to follow her back out to my car.

- Caroline –

“I’ll meet you in a little bit.”I said to Nick who was begging me to come out with the rest of them tonight to some club in LA.

“Come on we’re leaving now. He won’t wanna go anyways.”Nick said grabbing onto my hand pulling me. I pulled my hand out of his and smiled. “Fine, but you better call me.”he said and turned to run towards the buses. I turned back the way I was walking towards the backstage area and as I walked into the wardrobe room AJ was hunched over in the corner by one of the tables.

“Babe are you…”I said put stopped as he turned around and I realized what he was doing.

“I thought you were at the buses already.”he said rubbing his fingers under his nose. He didn’t get it all, not in the least bit. I had no words to say to him. I didn’t think that I would for a long time so I just looked at him for a few seconds and walked back out the door. I heard the table fall over as the door opened into the hallway behind me.

“Hey!”he yelled after me. I could hear his footsteps getting closer. “Stop. Talk to me.”he said and grabbed my arm to turn me back around.

“There’s nothing to talk about. You were never planning on getting better.”I said. It’s amazing how your feelings for someone can just fade so quickly in a matter of seconds. I felt nothing for him anymore. He had been lying to me since we moved to Orlando. He didn’t even have enough respect to say hey I’m having a hard time with this it’s going to take me a while. Just looking at him made me sick. He wasn’t this strong man that could take care of me like he use to be. He was pathetic.

“I’m trying.”he said putting both of his hands on my shoulders. I pushed him off quickly.

“Bull shit. The doctor has come to see you once and that was to decide on how the treatment would work AJ this whole thing is just fucking ridiculous.”I said and he looked down at the floor. For once I saw some emotion coming out of him. “I’m done with it. I mean that this time.”I said and walked away leaving him there. I wasn’t sure if Leighanne was asleep yet, but I knocked on their bus door anyways. She was, I could see her stumbling to the door.

“You okay?”she asked noticing my expression. I wasn’t even crying. I was to the point where I couldn’t cry anymore. I had cried too much.

“You know a while ago when you said that it would get to that point with AJ and to call Kevin…”I said as we sat down on the bus couch. “I know he already came, but its worse now.”I didn’t know what else to say about it.

“What happened?”she asked as Brian walked from the back of the bus rubbing his eyes. He must have been asleep also.

“I just walked in on him doing it and I flipped and I’m just done with it. I’m not gonna be his mother through this whole thing. It’s gotten ridiculous and its something I don’t have to deal with.”I said looking back and forth between the two of them. “And it’s not like this is something that is sudden it’s been building. I’ve been seeing Nick.”I said and I thought Brian was going to fall over.

“What do you mean seeing Nick?”he asked leaning against the countertop.

“I mean seeing Nick. He respects me and AJ doesn’t know about it at all. I’ve been keeping it from him.”I said and crossed my arms.

“Caroline I don’t know if Nick is that great of an idea either.”Brian said sighing.
“He may respect you now, but he’s not the relationship type you know?”

“It’s different.”I said as my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was Nick. “So will you guys call Kevin and take care of it. It’s not my problem anymore.”I said and got up to walk off the bus to talk with Nick.

“You coming out?”I heard on the other end.

”I don’t know. I just broke up with AJ, not really in the mood to party.”I said and he was silent for a few seconds.

“You broke up with him? Why?”he asked and I knew what he was thinking. It wasn’t for him. Conceided much?

“Just needed to happen.”I said. It did need to happen, as long as I was there with him he wasn’t going to get better. He had already proved that.

“Okay? Well we haven’t left yet and we’re not leaving without you. It’ll make you feel better.”he said and I now saw his stupid ass standing not that far from me talking on his phone.

“I see you.”I said watching him lean up against the rental car.

“I’ve been seeing you. Now come on.”he said waving at me.

- AJ –

Here we go. I thought looking down at my cell phone. She had called Kevin because he was in return calling me now. What a shit night. I lost my girl. It was inevitable. I know that. She had been beyond distant recently, always going out, always texting and on the phone. It was really awkward. I could see this coming from a mile away, that’s part of the reason I haven’t stopped using.

“What’s up man?”I said answering.

“Listen I’m gonna come out there and stay with you for a bit is that cool?”Kevin said straight cutting to the chase. “I know you need me to.”

“If you want to man that’s cool.”I said sighing. I knew Kevin would be able to help me if no one else could.

“Alright well I’m gonna catch a flight in the morning I should be there mid afternoon. Talk to you then.”Kevin said and I could hear him yawn as he hung up.

- Nick –

She loved him. I knew that, it was just nice to know for one night that they weren’t together, that I didn’t have to worry about him walking in or seeing us out or something. The thing is, is I like this girl, I don’t know why, but I like her. She’s different. She’s not just using me for being a Backstreet Boy. She actually cares about me and for the first time in my life I care back. We had come to a bar, not a club, well it was more like a pub. There weren’t that many people in here, all older men and me and her and Brent.

“So you okay?”I asked. She had been quiet super studying the football game that was going on on the TV for a while now. This would be her third tall Yeungling and I knew she was starting to feel it.

“I will be.”she said. She always said that and she knew it was untrue.

“You still got me.”I said giving her a side smile.

“I don’t have you Nick.”she said smiling back at me as she shook her head. “I’m just a cool girl to hang out with.”

“Okay whatever.”I said. She honestly had no idea how I felt about her.

“Love it!”she said as Journey began to play on the jukebox. It was the song Faithfully.

“Come on.”I said grabbing her hand to make her stand up. They had nothing nearly big enough for us to even dance, but I was going to dance with her regardless even if it was right next to our bar stools. I put my hands around her waist and she put hers around my neck laying her head on my chest.

“Thank you for taking me out tonight.”she said looking up at me after a few seconds.

“Of course.”I said smiling down at her. I hadn’t felt this way dancing with someone since well…forever. And I knew she was using me, this didn’t feel the same to her, but if she was using me to take his place I was okay with that. I leaned my face down and put my cheek against hers, rubbing my nose softly over hers and then placing my lips softly on hers lips. “I love being with you.”

Caroline –

Fifteen drinks later, I was being slammed up against the side of Nick’s bus, forgetting drunkfully if that’s even a word that this bus, the same one we were seriously making out in front of was AJ’s bus too. To be honest, AJ was the farthest thing on my mind at the moment. All I cared about was the body being pressed so hard up against mine and his fingers running through my hair.

“You are so fucking hot.”Nick mumbled letting his hand run underneath my underwear.

“I should have beat your ass the first time.”AJ said stumbling around from the other side of the bus. He was really drunk off the deep end this time. He couldn’t even stand up.

“Hey man chill.”Nick said letting me go as he stood in front of me guarding me from AJ.

“No dude this is the fucking second time man…or hell I don’t even know how many times.”he said shrugging. “You guys were probably doing this behind my back the whole fucking time. Is this who you were texting?”

“AJ you haven’t been there for me for months. What the hell did you expect?”I said peeking out from behind Nick’s shoulder.

“For you to be my fucking fiancé. That’s pretty much all I expected, not for you to sleep with Nick behind my back.”he said and it all sank in to all of us. How wrong this whole situation truly was, but I liked Nick and my feelings for AJ had faded so fast just a few hours earlier.

“AJ you’re gone to me. I can do whatever I want, it’s your fault you let all of this get this far without stopping it. Remember that. It’s your fault.”I said letting the tears run down my face to match the equally angry tears coming down his.

“You know I tried!”he yelled throwing his hands into the air.

“No you didn’t.”Nick said rolling his eyes.

“FUCK YOU NICK!”AJ said and lunged at him knocking him back against the bus. AJ held Nick, who was let me add quite taller than him, up by his shirt collar. Nick didn’t look scared, in fact his face was lifeless. I guess he was imagining something better than getting the shit beat out of him by his best friend. “I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER!”he said taking the first swing at Nick’s beautiful face. I didn’t know what to do. I was afraid of him right now. Why was Nick not hitting him back? This was reminiscent of what happened between AJ and Josh wasn’t it.

“She doesn’t want you anymore man. You fucked up. Live with it.”Nick yelled through getting hit in the stomach.

“Yea well you don’t deserve her.”AJ yelled back.

“More than you do.”Nick said sighing. His eyes shot over to mine and the pain of watching this shot through my stomach.

“HEY HEY HEY!”Brian yelled running from his bus in his pajamas. He struggled to pull AJ off of Nick.

“I’m going home. I’m done with this shit. When Kevin comes tomorrow he’s taking me back to Orlando. I’m done with this. I quit.”AJ said rubbing his mouth from where Nick had apparently snuck in a hit.

“AJ COME ON!”Brian yelled throwing his hands up in the air.

“No fuck you guys! I don’t need this group anyways!”he said waving us off as he walked down the street. We all watched him until he disappeared and then Brian looked back at us.

“I hope whatever you guys have going on was worth it, because you just lost everything.”he said shaking his head as he walked back towards his bus.

“Are you okay?”I said turning back to Nick whose face was already bruised and he was bleeding in a few places. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t even look up. I knew his world had just crumbled down in front of him. I single handedly had brought to an end the last standing boy band in America.

Caroline - -

“Have you heard from AJ?”Brian asked walking up to me as I was sitting with Nick looking up videos of the show last night on Youtube. The guys had been performing the past few shows without AJ. “No. Why?”I asked turning around from my chair, something was different in his face. He was worried.

“He was supposed to fly in this morning with Kevin and I was going to pick them up, but they never showed. And I never get any damn service anywhere...”He said shaking his phone as if that was going to help. He rubbed his forehead as if he had a headache and began pacing the room. “Can you try and call him?”I hadn’t talked to AJ since that night, unless it was to mumble “asshole” to him the few times I had seen him.

“He is for sure not going to answer for us.”Nick said as he stood up to pull on a shirt. I figured the search was about to begin.

“Can you just try?”Brian asked frustrated as I pulled out my phone. I scrolled down to his number and dialed, surprisingly there was an answer. It was not AJ.

“Thank GOD!”I said hearing Kevin’s voice on the other end. “I have been trying to get in touch with all of you all freakin’ morning.” The tone of his voice was the same as Brian’s.

“What’s wrong?”I asked feeling a lump begin to form in my throat. “Shut up guys!”I said to Brian and Nick who were both talking to me as Kevin was trying to do the same. They were yelling actually.

“AJ OD’d this morning or last night. I don’t know, they haven’t told me much. They have him here in a hospital...”he paused for a second. “Caroline, it’s bad.”Kevin said and I felt the tears start to form as I loked up at the two boys in front of me. This was my fault. I had pushed him over the edge. “Are you there?”his voice echoed.

“Are you still in Orlando?”I asked. “Guys AJ OD’d.”Brian snatched the phone out of my hand and I just stood there. I guess in shock.

“What did he say?”NIck asked. “CAROLINE!”he said louder, pulling me out of my daze.

“That it was bad.”was all I could mutter.

“So should be go there? Are they still in Florida?”Nick asked walking over to me. He was about to freak. I couldn’t take anymore questions!

“I DON”T KNOW NICK!”I yelled not even meaning to, but the room was spinning and there was so much talking between Nick and Brian I was going to hyperventilate. Nick looked over at me shocked, I had yelled and walked over to Brian who had just hung up the phone.

“Kevin bought us tickets to Orlando, so we need to get Howie and get going. It should be about an hour and a half flight.”Brian said looking at us.

“Rok what is going on?”Nick asked putting his hand on Brian’s shoulder to get him to slow down.

“He OD’d that’s all I know, that’s all Kevin knows. He doesn’t even know if he’s stable. They won’t let him see him, and his mom is out of the country. Kev can’t even get in touch with her.”Brian said sliding his book-bag over his shoulder. I breathed out hard as I followed Nick and Brian out the door. We needed to stop by Howie’s to pick him up first and then get to the airport for our flight at three.

NICK - -

Trying to get somewhere, especially through an airport when you are a Backstreet Boy, is rough. It’s hard to tell a fan no for a picture or autograph when something like this has happened. This may be the only time that person ever sees you in their life and I still have to tell them no and see the disappointment on their faces.

“Thank you.”I said as the lady handed me back mine and Caroline’s licenses along with the tickets. She hadn’t said anything since her random yelling back at Brian’s house. I knew she was beyond worried. As we walked through the terminal surrounded by our blockade of security I tried to put my hand in hers. She just kept her face forward and her hand limp. I knew what she was thinking.

“It’s not your fault.” I said as we sat down in our first class seats. She was quiet as I nudged her. Her quietness was starting to freak me out. “Babe, its not your fault.”I said turning her head to look at me as the flight attendants started the safety speech.

“No it’s our fault.”she said quietly as one tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m trying to keep it together and not make a scene, if I talk about it I will cry so can we just not.”she said pulling her sunglasses over her face. I put my arm around her as I lifted up the arm rest and pulled her into me, holding onto her as she closed her eyes to sleep through the flight.

CAROLINE --

The plane ride had been uncomfortable and quiet. Everyone was trying to sleep, but no one could. The ride to the hospital from the airport had been worse, we were all exchanging weird glances between one another. Kevin and his wife Kristin were both sitting in a private waiting room trying to entertain themselves with the latest entertainment television.

“Hey cuz.”Brian said hugging both of them. “Any news?”

“Last we heard he was in and out of consciousness. That was probably an hour ago.” Kevin said yawning as he looked over at me.

“You okay sweetheart?”he asked pulling me into a hug. I shut my eyes and fell into his arms. Kevin was safe. He was my family. He was cover.

“When can we see him?”I asked pulling away from him, ignoring his question.

“Don’t know.”Kevin said shrugging. “Just have to wait it out.”

“There are a lot of press people outside.”NIck said coming to stand behind me. Kevin looked at us with a disapproving look. Actually, everyone was looking at us that way.

“I know, I saw it. We shouldn’t say anything until we know what AJ wants us to do.”Kevin said sitting back down.

“We’re going to get some coffee you wanna come?”NIck asked as I was leaned up against the wall.

“NO, I wanna be here when the doctor comes.”I said. There was no way I could stomach anything right now. NIck shrugged and walked away towards the elevator with Howie. I took a seat next to Kevin and we sat in silence for a good fifteen minutes with Brian sitting across from us before Kevin said anything.

“So how are you really?”he asked looking over at me. I jumped at his voice.

“Besides thinking this is all my fault I am just damn great, me and Nick shouldn’t even be here.”I said looking over at him. I was completely monotone. I had lost all feeling.

“It’s his downfall Caroline. It’s not all your fault. Deep down I know you know that.”Brian said. I didn’t know if even he believed that. Brian’s eyes were always telling and right now they were saying he was lying to me.

“I guess.”I said shrugging.

“It would have happened with or with out you is what he is trying to say.”Kevin corrected.

“What happened exactly?”Brian asked.

“Pretty much he was supposed to meet me this morning at the airport so when he didn’t show I went ot his apartment and he was laying unconscious. There were two bottles of Jack Daniels and an empty pill bottle. I brought him here and that’s where we are now.”Kevin said looking up as a woman in a white labcoat walked up. We all looked at her waiting on her to speak.

“We have his stomach pumped and we are just waiting to see how everything pans out. He is stable for the moment.”she said and I was somewhat relieved. “We’re not in the clear yet, but hopefully tomorrow morning that will change.”

“Can we see him?”I asked walking towards her.

“Probably best for one or two to go at a time. He won’t be able to say much so don’t expect to much.”she said waiting on someone to follow her.

“Want me to go with you?”Brian said looking up at me as I stood up.

“If you want to.”I said as he stood up behind me. This whole hospital smelled like a band-aid. I followed the nurse towards his intensive care room.

“Only like twenty minutes at most okay?”she said opening the curtain so we could see him. If I wasn’t in shock before, I sure as hell was now. He looked like he had been in a car wreck. He was hooked up to all of these beeping machines and had breathing tubes up his nose. It was to horrible to even explain. Brian had stayed outside looking at us through the glass. I pulled up a chair beside the bed and just stared at him. I didn’t know if he knew I was there, but after a few minutes I felt his fingers brush up against mine. I looked up to see his eyes barely open.

“Hey.”I choked out as all of the tears rushed to stream down my face.

“Hey.”he whispered. His voice was more raspy than normal.

“Come here.”he said trying to hold his arms out for me. I felt his arms around me as mine slowly slid under his back.

“I’m sorry I made you do this.”I said feeling his pillow get wet where my tears were falling.

“It wasn’t you.”he said beginning to cough so I pulled up off of him.

“It was me. You don’t have to lie.”I said. His fingers ran underneath my eyes to wipe away the tears.

“I should be saying sorry.”he said closing his eyes.

“We can talk about this later. Just rest.”I said starting to stand, but his grip tightened telling me not to leave.

“I love you.”he said reopening his eyes as Nick and Kevin walked in behind me. He looked up at Nick who was behind me rubbing my shoulders and AJ just rolled his eyes.

“Ready to listen now.”Kevin asked and I sighed. Nick shouldn’t have come in here. I shrugged him off of me and he looked down at me with a weird look.

“No.”AJ said shutting his eyes again. “Just everybody leave! I’m tired!”he took his hand away from mine and turned away from us. I looked up at Kevin and he shrugged and I stood up slowly following him back into the waiting area.

NICK --

“Babe stop!”I called after he. “Wait up!”

“Nick please not now.”she said holding her hand up to stop me.

“Then when? We have hours to sit around and wait. Why not now?”I said grabbing her arm turning her towards me.

“I can’t do this.”she said looking up at me with red eyes.

“Do what?”I asked confused.

“This! US! I just can’t!”she said throwing her arms out by her sides.

“Stop it! Now you’re just overreacting.”I said putting my arm around her waist pulling her into me. “You need me right now.”

“And what happens in five years? Ten years Nick?”she yelled.

“What do you mean? I don’t think that far ahead.”I said putting my forehead up to hers.

“You don’t and that’s your problem.”she said, but a smile cracked and she couldn’t keep a straight face.

“That’s what you like about me through right? I’m spontaneous.”I said kissing her quickly.

“That’s what I hate that I like about you.”she said barely smiling. “I just want you committed Nick that’s all.”

“I don’t know how much more I can show that.”I said frustrated. And it’s true, I didn’t. I mean for God’s sake, I am Nick fucking Carter I could have any girl I wanted any night of the week, but I didn’t. I had her. How much more did she need to see?

“This is so not important right now.”she said pulling away from me. “We just need to tone it down in front of him for now okay?”


“Okay yes ma’m.”I said slapping her on her butt as she turned around. She glared back at me over her shoudler and I put my hands up to surrender. “Last thing I swear.” I felt a hand on my arm and turned back to see Kevin as Caroline walked back on into the waiting area.

“You need to let her go.”Kevin said as I stood in front of him like a little boy.

“What?”I asked stunned.

“You’re killing him Nick don’t you see that?”he said narrowing his eyes.

“No way man this is not getting blamed on me.”I said throwing my arms up in defense.

“But it’s your fault Nick, AJ is your brother you stole her from him.”Kevin said and I looked away from his furious glare.

“I didn’t fucking steal anything. He pushed her away with all of this bullshit and she came running to me.”I said.

“Even so, you let her in, a brother wouldn’t do that. Keep your dick out of your decisions next time.”he said with a disapproving look.

“Dude it’s not even like that. I love her.”I said seeing a mere second of the side of her shirt from the corner. She had been listening from the side.

“Sure you do.”Kevin said and walked away from me.

“Having fun ease dropping?”I said as she jumped as I rounded the corner.

“No. Kevin’s right.”she said and shook her head as she moved away from me.

“Oh what the fuck Caroline!”I yelled as she rounded the corner away from me.

Chapter 28: Everythings Falling Apart Because You’re So Hypocritical

AJ - -

My head is pounding worse than any migraine I have ever felt. My stomach has these empty pains worse than any hunger. When I open my eyes the light burns. I feel like dying, but I know I can’t. There’s a girl out there, I was trying to get her attention with this stunt, and I can’t die for her sake alone. No matter how much she tries to deny it, she needs - -

“AJ?” I heard softly as her body entered the room.

“Yea...”I said quietly letting her know I was awake.

“I can’t just sit out there knowing your in here going through this alone.”There was my girl I remembered. She had been gone for so long, but there is the caring girl I remembered.

“You left me before, what’s the difference?”I asked smartly. I wanted her to know how incredibly pissed I was about the Nick thing.

“AJ!”she said loudly. “You left me! You left for the shows in London and the AJ I knew never came back. You were never the same person!”

“I still loved you.”I said quietly.

“You may have loved me but you let it, THIS! Take you over.”she said sitting down on the edge of my bed. “You pushed me to him AJ, whether you want to admit it, you did. This turned you into such a jerk for months and Nick was just there. I did what any girl would do. I went for who treated me better.”

“He shouldn’t have done it.”I said. That was all I could think of to say because she was just so damn right.

“He loves me, more than you can right now, and until you get better its going to stay that way.”she said as she put her hand on mine.

“And when I get better?”I asked. I only needed an inkling of hope.

“I guess we will cross that bridge when we get there, until then, just let him back in babe, he feels bad enough. He is only human. He’s been your best friend for over fifteen years, don’t let someone stupid like me ruin that.”she said giving me a slight smile.

“You’re not stupid.”I said touching my hand to the side of her face. “You’re beautiful.”

“Stop it.”she said blushing. It was still there between us. The fire was still burning a little. “You’re delirious.”she said and I tried to laugh. It hurt my ribs.

“I love you.”I said and she stopped laughing to look over at me.

“I love you too.”she said a few seconds after and leaned down to kiss me on the cheek. “Now get some sleep.”

“Will you stay with me? At least until I fall asleep?”I asked her, if I fell asleep and didn’t wake back up I wanted to remember her last.

“Of course.”she said and I pulled her hand so she would lay beside me. She layed on her side facing me and rubbed her hand through my hair slowly until I dazed off. Times were changing, whether we liked it or not.

CAROLINE --

“Shhh.”I said seeing Nick pop his head through the curtain just minutes after AJ had fallen asleep.

“Is he okay?”Nick whispered as I got up from the bed.

“He was scared, but at least he’s asleep.”I said closing the curtain behind me as I followed him out into the hallway.

“Look I’m sorry.”he said grabbing my hand as we stood outside of AJ’s room.

“It’s fine. We’re all just tired and stressed out.”I said grabbing his other hand in mine.

“No I mean I’m sorry. I’m sorry for putting you in the position to choose between us...”Where was this going with him? “I’m sorry that I fell for you, I didn’t mean to.”he strated but I put my hand over his mouth.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”I said smiling at him. I had myself in such a tangled mess, how was I ever going to find my way out.

“What’s going on?”I asked looking over at Nick as two doctors and a nurse ran by us into AJ’s room.

“We should go see.”Nick said running toward the door which immediately got slammed in our faces.

“Somethings wrong Nick.”I said through the slit in the door i could see them wrestling with him trying to get him to stop convulsing. I think he was having a seizure, but...I’m not a doctor.

“Go get them!”Nick said pointing towards the waiting area. He was frantic. I sprinted back the two hallways towards the quiet waiting room practically yelling for them to follow me.

“GUYS! GUYS! We need for all of you to head back to the waiting room.”the nurse said walking out of the room.

“We want to know what’s happened.”Brian said as she pushed us back.

“He’s having a reaction to coming down from the drugs, kind of like a seizure we’re going to move him to ICU.”I was speechless. He was fine a minute before, now he may die.

The waiting was terrible. It was literally two hours of watching Seinfield reruns in silence, me crying, and worrying my ass off. I was terrifed that this could be my last time seeing him alive. As I walked towards the ICU room he was in alone I wasn’t prepared for what I would see. He was lifeless, the respirator was breathing for him.

“You his wife?”the nurse asked as I walked in.

“No.”I said quietly as I walked over to the bed. I never wanted those tattooed hands to touch mine so bad in my life.

“Hmmm, well he keeps mumbling about some girl.”she said giving me a side smile as I wiped the tears form under my eyes.

“Can he hear us?”I asked cautiously running my hand up his arm.

“Yea I like ot think so, that white bottle up there is keeping him asleep.”she said pointing above his head. I smiled at her the best I could as she stepped to the side of the room to clean some of the medical supplies.

“Hey baby. I’m here.”I said leaning down to kiss him on the cheek. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll stay here as long as it takes.”

“What’s it like?”the nurse asking scare me as she reappeared. “You know dating a celebrity.”....creepy.

“Oh no I’m not...”I started but shrugged. “I guess they aren’t that to me anymore. I don’t think of them that way. I just love him.”I said squeezing his hand in mine. I did love him.

“Must be nice though.”she said smiling.

“I guess. You pay your price though.”I said looking back at him. “You lose your privacy.”

“Well there is a chair here, it’s not to comfortable but it should work if you wanna stay.”she said stopping at the door.

“I don’t want him to be by himself.”I said walking over to sit down.

“I’ll shut the door behind me.”she said quietly closing the door behind her. I suddenly was pulling the chair to be closer to his bed putting my hand on his.

“It’s really weird being in here with you.”I said rubbing my over his arm, tracing the lines of all of his tattoos. “I’m in here with you instead of being out there with Nick. I guess that’s kind of how it’s always been huh?”I said pondering what I had just said. “NIck was there at the right time and you were just such an asshole, but I mean...”I stopped knowing he couldn’t hear me, this may make it easier. “He’s just to fill your spot, AJ. He’s a great guy, but it’s not the same as it was with you. I miss you, and now I may never have a chance to tell you all of this...I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

NICK - -

As I walked into the room I saw her. She had fallen asleep with her hand in his. I knew she still loved him...was I going to be able to deal with?

Chapter 29: Soldier Down

“I feel bad leaving him there Nick.”I said looking over at his goofy smile as we walked into the elevator of MTV studios in New York City.

“Caroline.”Nick said cutting his eyes over to me. “He’s been awake for a week now. There’s no need to keep staying in there. He’s fine.”

“I know he’s okay. It’s just I told him I’d come visit and I don’t like breaking promises.”I said and Nick huffed.

“Are you with me or with him?”Nick said as the elevator opened. “Because if you wanna go back to that damn hospital and be with him then that’s your choice.”

“I can’t even believe your acting like this.”I said rolling my eyes as the doors closed back to the elevator and we stood staring at each other. “I am trying to be there for him. I know it’s hard enough and I just wanna be supportive so he gets better. That’s all.” Nick grabbed me quickly and pressed his lips to mine. He wasn’t much of a talker. If he was going to apologize, this would be the way. His hand went up my shirt as the door to the elevator opened again.

“Hello lovebirds.”Brian said catching us. “Planning on coming out sometime soon?”He asked laughing as I pulled away from Nick.

“We’re coming.”Nick said giving me a sly smile as he put his hand in mine to pull me out into the hallway. “I’m sorry.”he said quietly as he kissed me on the cheek. I couldn’t stay mad at him. Not for one second.

“Can she sit in here?”Nick asked looking at the production assistant. He was talking about where I would sit during the show. “I want her to be able to watch.”

“Of course. She can sit anywhere she wants Mr. Carter.”she said looking the boys over. Nick looked over at me and snickered at the “Mr. Carter” thing. Kevin had to come today in AJ’s place for the finale of TRL. The last week hadn’t been easy. AJ had been in and out of consciousness until a day ago. He’s fully awake now and he is shipping off to rehab in a few days.

“You want to just be here?”Nick asked turning back to me. “You don’t mind staring at my ass the whole time right?” He was so cute it was hard to stand.

“Never.”I said laughing as I took a seat next to some of the people in the audience. These girls were freaking out that I was sitting next to them. Me of all people.

“Can we get a picture with you?”a younger blonde girl asked looking over at me.

“With me?”I asked almost choking as I looked over at Nick getting his hair styled.

“Yea we run a Backstreet fansite. We have a whole section for you and Nick.”she said and paused. “And you and AJ...you’re so lucky.”she said and I laughed as I smiled for her camera. Awkward but cool.

“Cool I will look around for it.”I said turning back to the stage where the music had already started for “I Want It That Way.”

-AJ -

What the hell does Nick keep turning around looking at? I hate that I am not there today. I am stuck in this God forsaken hospital bed that I have been in for three weeks.

“So you guys brought back Kevin today...”Carson said looking around. “Where’s AJ?” Please don’t say rehab I thought as I cringed.

“He’s just sick so instead of canceling I came.”Kevin said with a good save.

“And you guys are all in relationships and married now. Well Nick you’re not, but she’s right over there right?”Carson said as the camera panned to Caroline who’s face was a million shades of red. That would explain what Nick was so giddy about.

“Yea. She’s beautiful right?”Nick said as Caroline blushed even more and hid her face. PUKE!!!!! but God did I miss her face! “I luv ya baby.”Nick said winking.

“AJ there is some paper work we need for you to fill out real quick.”our manager said walking in with a stack of papers. He layed them down in front of me and handed me a pen. He was down right disgusted with me and that was fine. I was pretty disgusted with myself, but I mean...ugh

One Week Later:
----- January 28th ------

“Happy Birthday man.”I said extending my hand to Nick. I was trying to be civil. The label had insisted I come so that the fans wouldn’t think there was any kind of disrest between the group. More than a number had come out about “the cheating whore” aka Caroline who was trying to break up the Backstreet Boys with her super vagina. He took my hand slowly. He was more than completely sloshed.

“We’re cool right man?”he asked looking up at me from his seat at the DJ booth.
“Yea man.”I said pulling my hand away from him hoping he wouldn’t see me roll my eyes.

“Here baby.”Caroline said laughing as she sat down on Nick’s lap handing him a drink. I looked down at the floor as she looked up at me. Fear struck her as our eyes locked. She hadn’t expected me to come. No one did. The things I do for this damn job.

“Hey.”she said trying to avert her eyes from me.

“Hey.”I said watching her shift uncomfortably around as Nick rubbed his hand up her leg. She pushed his hand softly off of her leg and stood up. “I’m going to go find Leighanne.”she said and was gone before Nick could think of anything to say.

“Little sketch.”Nick said looking up at me. I shook my head and walked towards the bar. I know I just got out of the hospital, but I can’t take staring at them. I just...I can’t take it.

“Jack and Coke man.”I said holding my hand up for the bartender. He shifted his eyes a little bit. I think he was weary, but he poured the drink and gave it to me. All of these people were around me that knew I shouldn’t be drinking. I just don’t a give a fuck. Really. I just don’t.

CAROLINE --

“LEIGH!”I said grabbing her from dancing with Brian. I pulled her off to the side of the club where she could hear me.

“Damn you REEK of alcohol.”she said pulling away from me.

“I know. Nick has been feeding me his birthday shots that people are bringing him. He’s such a pussy.”I said smiling.

“So what’s so important that you had to drag me away from the one night that I get with my husband without my child?”she asked and I actually kinda felt bad.

“AJ’s here.”I said and her mouth dropped.

“Oh...hmmm.”she said putting her hands on her hips. “Interesting. Brian said he wouldn’t be here. Packing for rehab.”

“Well he’s here.”I said trying to hold my vomit down.

“So? It’s gonna be fine. Don’t you dare do anything to ruin Nick’s birthday.”she said narrowing her eyes. “Promise me? Just keep the drama out of this one night.”she said holding her pinky finger up.

“But what do i do? I mean what in the hell do I say to him? I just - “she put her finger up to stop me.

“You do nothing. Promise? Just for tonight - just do this for Nick.”she said and I finally put my finger in hers. I took a deep breath and walked back over to Nick who of course had a group of girls around him.

“Come here! Hey ya’ll let her through.”Nick yelled pulling my hand through the circle around him. “Where you been?”

“Talking to Leigh...just girl stuff.”I said with a tiny smile.

“Wanna show me some girl stuff?”Nick said pressing his forehead to mine.

“It is your birthday.”I said and he laughed keeping his eyes locked with mine.

“I love you.”he said kissing me slowly. I kept my lips to his that way I wouldn’t have to answer back and distracted him by running my hand between his legs. He broke our kiss to smile and I backed away to return back to the bar.

--- AJ ---

“Wanna dance?”I was more than half way gone at this point, but I don’t think she’ll notice. Sometimes i could be good at disguising for my own benefit. She hesitated to turn around, but grabbed her drink and met my eyes anyways.

“Can you keep your hands to yourself?”Well obviously I wasn’t the only person who had been drinking. Her eyes shifted to Nick who was fully engrossed in the rest of his guests.

“No promises.”I said holding out my hand. She brushed past me, leaving my hand to fall to my side, and looked back slyly for me to follow her. She didn’t need to look twice, my hands were on her waist before the slow song even began. The silence between us seemed louder than Rhianna’s “Cry” playing behind us.

“You look beautiful.”I said breathing in her hair as her head was layed on my chest. I missed the smell. It was intoxicating. I could feel her cheek rise and knew she was smiling.

“I’m glad your better.”she said looking up at me as the song sped up and she turned around so her back was to my chest. Her hips were grinding into mine and I was having a hard time keeping my hands under control. What was she doing? I could see her eyes were closed and she was enjoying this just as much as I was.

“Stop.”I whispered letting my hand run up her back as my lips touched the tip of her right ear. “Stop babe.” I think we were both drunkenly lost in this song. I have to admit it was perfect for us.

“It’s okay.”she said as my lips went to her neck and I was met by Nick’s angry glare as I reopened my eyes.

“I can’t let you go for one fucking second can I?”Nick said shaking his head at both of us.

“Don’t make this bigger than it has to be man.”I said trying to touch him on the shoulder. “We’re all pretty wasted here.” Caroline’s eyes shot over to me, as did Nick’s.

“Just go.”Nick said looking away as he put a heavy arm around Caroline.

“You know whatever man. I’m done with this shit.”I said throwing my empty bottle of beer at the wall behind Nick. It shattered onto the table where his cake was. I knew Caroline had spent a long time on making it for him and now it was covered in brown glass. I was out of the door before anyone had time to stop me. I could feel some girls arm around my arm pulling me in different directions and I realized after a few seconds it was one of my friends I had came with. My alcohol was really starting to hit me and I was having trouble walking. This sure wasn’t going to look good.

“Don’t say anything to the cameras okay.”I heard my friend say as she dragged me away from the TMZ guy who was yelling my name. “Tracy is going to take you back to your house so you can get some rest okay?”she said as a heavier girl grabbed my hand and started to pull me. I stumbled almost falling off the curb as the paparazzi were laughing. My friends steadied me.

“AJ! AJ!”I heard from behind me. I stumbled around to see Caroline standing at the bottom of the hill with her hands on her hips.

---CAROLINE ---

AJ teetered down towards me, so close that his nose was almost touching mine. He was slumped over with his hands held together and his head down. He looked like a little boy who was in big trouble.

“What the hell are you doing?!?”I practically yelled as I threw my hands up in astonishment.

“Babe it’s okay. Calm down.”I said trying to get a word in.

“Don’t call me babe. This is ridiculous.”I said as we were in a stare off. He kept stumbling closer to me as I stood rigid in front of him. “How could you do this to Nick on his birthday?”
“I don’t owe Nick shit. He took everything away from me.”I said in a hushed, but firm whisper so the cameras could not pick up what I was saying.

“No YOU took everything away from yourself.”she said pointing her finger in my face.

“AJ come on.”a girl said trying to hook her hand in his as he was pulling away. “AJ! Come on!”

“Can you just give us a second?”I said pushing her back away from us as I turned back to him. His eyes were turning red and tearing up, as were mine.

“You’re destroying yourself and I won’t be a part of it.”I said watching the two girls he came from huff away in their taxi cab.

“I was destroyed long before you honey. And I am not going to sit in that God damn club and watch you basically fuck Nick all night. No thanks.”he said pushing away from me. I was having a hard time myself standing up and thinking about how to censor myself so that this wouldn’t end up all over the internet tomorrow.

“AJ you alright man?”the camera guy said as AJ opened the door to the cab that was stopped by the curb.

--- AJ ---

“I’m fine.”I said shutting the door behind me. It was open faster than I thought as I laid my head up against the window.

“Move over.”Caroline said huffing as she climbed in beside me. “You can barely even talk. I’m not going to let you go back to your place alone. 54th and Vine please.”I smiled, satisfied with how this was going.

“Nick I’ve got to go with him! No one else is!...no it’s not letting him get what he wants. I’m going to drop him off and come back Nick! CHILL! I’ll be back before you know it!”she yelled into her phone. I was drifting in and out of consciousness. All I could focus on was how hard she was crying beside me. We were back at my house before I knew it and she was helping me stumble into our old LA home. She stopped for a minute at the front step and looked over everything. She took a deep breath and helped me down the hallway to what use to be our bedroom. Everything was the same. I hadn’t changed anything. The room was spinning quickly as I fell to the bed. Nick was calling her off the hook. The ringtone was being played one after the other. She sat down next to where I was laying and sighed.

“Do you still love me?”I choked out. I waited...nothing but silence.

“Of course I still love you.”she said turning to look at me.

“And do you love him?”I asked sitting up next to her.

“Yea.”she said looking away from me.

“Are you in love with him?”I pressed.

“That’s not fair.”she said as I put my hand on top of hers. “It’s to complicated now.”

“It’s not complicated. I love you. You love me. Fuck the band.”I said as her head shot back up. “All I want is you.”

“It’s not that easy.”she said letting the tears fall from her eyes. I put my finger on her cheek following her tear until it fell from her cheek.

“I’m to drunk for this shit right now.”she said and we both laughed.

“You shouldn’t be drunk at all. AT ALL!”she said her voice getting louder at the end.

“I’m sorry.”I said truthfully. “I go to rehab in the morning. I just...I wanted to see you before I left.”

“Wrong way for me to see you off.”she said rolling her eyes.

“I’m sorry. I can’t control it anymore.”I said putting my head in my hands as she pulled me into her.

“It’s gonna be okay.”she kept repeating as she rubbed her hand up my back. I had a firm grip on her arm with both hands. I didn’t want to let her go, so we just sat that way for close to twenty minutes. I broke away from her and immediately pressed my lips to hers. A rush from my toes to the top of my head as she laid back and I hovered over her running my fingers from her boobs to her stomach.

“I can’t -”she stuttered as we were still kissing. I had missed this so much. I slowly moved my hand up her thigh, moving towards her panties. “I can’t!”she said pushing me off of her. “I can’t!!” Her breathing had gotten extremely heavy as I pushed her up against my bedroom wall.

“You want this just as much as I do.”I said in between kisses as I slid her panties off.

“We’re to drunk.”she whispered.

“You’re good.”I said as I let some of my fingers inside her. Her breathing was so fast as I moved inside her and she lifted one of her legs around me. Her ringtone blared louder it seemed then before and we both snapped out of whatever had just made us start doing this and she rushed to answer it.

CHAPTER 30: It’s Not Something You Can Deny

--- CAROLINE ---

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. This is fine. You’re meant to be with him anyways. This is okay. Nick will never even find out. Deep breaths.

“Hey I’m coming back now!”I said completely out of breath.

“Are you okay? Where are you?”he slurred.

“I’m at AJ’s.”I said and before I could say another word he had hung up on me.

“Stop.”AJ said putting his arms on my shoulders to stop me as I was running around frantic trying to gather everything that I had brought with me.

“That was wrong. We shouldn’t have done that.”I said shrugging him off of me.

“Whatever.”he said throwing my other boot to me, but more like at me.

“I’ll be back in the morning with Brian and Leigh to take you to the airport.”I said breathing in deep as he pulled me into a hug. His face lightened as he remembered I had already promised that I would go with them. I don’t break promises unlike him. “I gotta go.”I said feeling his grip tighten around my waist as he continued to hug me. The alcohol from his breath was stinging my eyes. “Will you be okay?”

“Just going to lay down and go to sleep.”he said letting me go. He still kept his hands on my hips. “That way I get to see you faster.”

“Cut it out.”I said trying not to smile as I walked towards the door. “If you need anything call me okay.” I had forgotten what it felt like to be held by him. So perfect, not weird like with Nick. Nick is so freaking tall. I have to stand on my tip toes just to kiss him. AJ was maybe an inch taller than me so he was perfect. Well he’s not perfect...whatever you get my drift.

---- NICK ----

“Where the fuck have you been?”I practically yelled as I stumbled over to her. Aaron was hanging off my back so it was making it even more difficult to move.

“I told you I went to drop AJ off.”she said quietly and I could feel my face beginning to redden.

“AJ lives five minutes from here Caroline! FIVE MINUTES!”I said pointing my finger in her face. “You’ve been gone for almost two hours.” I grabbed her arm and pulled her into the empty men’s bathroom. “I don’t know if you have noticed this, but today is my fucking birthday and your bullshit with AJ has ruined it.”

“I wasn’t trying to ruin your birthday. I was trying to save him from looking like a complete idiot on TMZ tomorrow. He was to drunk to even remember his address. I had to do something.”she said and shrugged with indifference. “He’s shipping off to rehab tomorrow anyways babe. It’ll be just us for a few months. Don’t be mad.” I was really trying to calm down because I felt like hitting her in the face right now. “I can make it up to you.”she said giving me a sexy look as she slid down to unbutton my pants.

“Right here?”I asked looking around. She stood back up and locked the door into the bathroom and pushed me into one of the stalls. Our sex was always so dirty. I think that’s the only reason we are together really. That’s horrible. I let my hand trail down her stomach and in through the slit in her dress. “Where are your panties?”I asked.

“I didn’t wear any.”she said quietly averting her eyes from mine.

“Yes you did!”I said remembering her dancing. “I saw them. They were pink. I saw them when you were dancing.”she shrugged, squated down and unbuttoned my pants dropping my own underwear to the floor.

“Still care that I don’t have them on?”she said in between breaths. Of course I cared. Where were they then? She was giving me a hell of a blow job though so I suppose I can wait to be mad at her until we’re done.

“Shit babe. I’m gonna bust before I get to put it inside you.”I said pulling away from her. “This feels familiar.”I had pushed her up against the stall and was thrusting into her.

“Except the hard ass bricks.”she said smiling.

---- CAROLINE ----

“Come on birthday boy. Let’s get you outta here.”I said helping him walk towards the limo that was going to take us back to our hotel room. The club had closed. It was now five in the morning. I felt bad about using my vagina as power over Nick. I mean because I totally left my panties over at AJ’s. God I felt like such a skank. Such a drunk, dirty skank. Although hopefully *crosses fingers*I hope I am the only girl that’s ever slept with two Backstreet Boys in one night. God I can’t even fathom that whole thing at AJ’s. It’s all coming to me in pieces as I sober up.

“Overall was it a good party?”I asked following Nick into our hotel room.

“Yea overall.”he said pulling off his shoes as he sat down on the bed. “I’m so beat.”

“Me too.”I said thinking my night over. I pulled the covers back and laid back next to Nick.

“I don’t want you to see AJ anymore.”Nick said as he stared up at the ceiling. I turned to see if he was joking and it was pretty damn obvious he wasn’t.

“You’re serious?”I asked.

“Yea. I know something happened tonight. I am just to drunk and I don’t wanna deal with it on my birthday. Just...you didn’t get away with it so don’t think I let you off the hook because I didn’t know. I know something happened.”he said letting his eyes close.

“Nothing happ-”I started.

“DON’T LIE TO ME!”Nick roared making me jump.

‘Nick!”I said getting right back out of the bed. He watched me pull my dress back on and grab a room key.

“Where are you going?”he asked sitting up.

“Well I am sure as hell not staying here. You’re not going to accuse me of something that I didn’t do.”I lied. “And you sure as hell won’t get to raise your voice at me again.”

“Leave then! Run back to AJ!”Nick yelled as the door shut behind me. That is where I would go. We both knew that. It seemed like with in seconds I was ringing AJ’s doorbell for what seemed like an eternity until he came to answer. He looked a mess, but he had been sleeping. I guess he just looked tired. He didn’t say anything. He just climbed right back in bed. I slipped my dress off and pulled one of his tshirts off a hanger in his closet and pulled it over me. Cautiously I pulled back the covers on the opposite side and got in bed next to him. I turned my back to him and tried to close my eyes, but after a few minutes he was pressed up to the back of me, holding onto me as we laid down.

“I love you.”he said so quiet I could barely hear it as he planted one tiny kiss on my shoulder.

“I love you.”I said slowing drifting off to sleep.

--- AJ ---

“Get up sleepy butt.”I didn’t care that we had only been asleep for five hours. It was already 10AM. My flight was leaving at 4 PM. I was finally happy when I woke up for once.

“Ehhhh...”she said waving me away. “I don’t feel good.”she said burying her face in the pillow.

“You know what would make you feel better?”I asked running my hand through her hair. “If you get in the shower and wash your greasy ass hair.”I said and she smiled as she pushed herself out of the bed.

“I think I’ll throw up first.”she said pretty much running to the toilet. “I’m never drinking again.”she yelled from the bathroom as the first chunks hit the water.

“Sure.”I said laughing. “Let’s see how long that lasts.”

“I could say the same about you.”she said smartly.

“BURN!”I yelled walking back out of the room towards the kitchen to make us something to eat. She was already behind me, drying her hair with a towel while holding onto another towel around her body before I could start cooking anything.

“I don’t think I could hold anything down.”she said sighing.

“You can probably hold down the best omelette you will ever eat in your life. Drink some water you’ll be fine you baby.”I teased.

“Fine.”she said laying her head down on the counter.

“So why’d you end up coming back here last night? Trouble in paradise?”I asked while stirring up some eggs and other things to go into the omelets.

“Can we just go at least until your flight without talking about Nick?”she pleaded.

“If we can pretend that nothing ever happened between us and everythings fine until my flight leaves.”I proposed the idea.

“Deal.”she said holding out her hand. It was only a game, but it would give me something to live for while I was out there getting treated.

“Then here you are sweetheart. Let’s get this day started off right.”I said laying a plate down in front of her.

“It looks great. Let’s see how much of this I can eat.”she said stuffing her face. “You wanna share this one? Help me out a little.” Its not like it was even that big, just thick I guess. My omelette. Not what you guys are thinking of. He he I’m all giddy because I get my girl back for a few hours. I know...I know it’s just pretend.

“Yea okay.”I said cutting off some for myself.

“So what would you like to do for your last few hours of freedom?”she asked. Did she want to know my real answer? Or the one that won’t make me look like a perv?

“Lay in bed with you all day. If you wanna know the truth.”I said looking up at her from the plate.

“BOOORRRIIINNNNGGGG!” she yelled making me laugh.

“I was telling the truth.”I said shrugging.

“HOLY CRAP!”she said loudly. She seemed just as excited as I was to be spending the day together. “I think I hear LOST Season One on BluRay calling us back to your bed. You hear it too?”I acted like I was listening for something and then broke into a smile.

“Good call my dear. Good call.”I grabbed the empty plate in front of her and put it in the sink. “God!”I said turning around to see she was standing so close to me our noses were touching.

--- CAROLINE ---

“Been working out?”I asked running my hands over his chest. He had this orange tight Tshirt on. God he looked sexy. Like all bulky and manly and my Lord.

“You know I work out everyday.”he said pulling me into him as I laid my head on his chest. He rested his head on top of mine. AJ had not stopped smiling for the past thirty minutes.

“Well then this shirt makes you look sexy.”I said looking up at him giving him puppy dog eyes. “Like all manly like you could take care of me.”

“I’ll always take care of you.”I couldn’t help but smile at that. No matter how good the sex was between me and Nick. Nothing could ever top how much AJ truly did love me.

“Come on.”I said after a few minutes of just standing there and he followed me back into the bedroom. “You set everything up.”

“It was your idea.”he said laughing at how typical it was for me to want him to do everything.

“All you have to do is stick the damn disk in there. I got in bed first so haha.”I said making fun of him as he opened the player and put the disk inside. “You’re a fucking Backstreet Boy shouldn’t you be able to just tell it what DVD to pick and some robot come out and do it for you?”

“She’s in the shop.”he said laughing as he climbed in beside me. “I’m really excited!”

“ME TOO! The first Season was the shiiiiitttt!”I said as he pressed play.

--- AJ ---
“Come on babe. We gotta go.”I said patting her on the leg around 2 PM. Three episodes of LOST later.

“I don’t wanna.”she whined, so I grabbed her feet and drug her off the bed where she landed with a nice flop on the floor.

“Leigh’s going to kill me when she picks us both up here.”she said getting her stuff together.

“Hey.”I said pulling her into me with one arm. “Everything’s cool.”I said kissing her. For the first time since forever she didn’t pull away, so neither did I. It was the most amazing kiss we have had in a really long time. The doorbell rang interrupting us and I went galloping towards it to let Brian and Leigh in. Instead...I let in Hurricane Nick.

“Where have you been?? I have been trying to get in touch with you since you left last night?”he interrogated as he ran over to her.

“I know. Take a hint. I don’t feel like talking to you right now.”she said crossing her arms as she looked away from him.

“Well you better get to feel like talking because there is a HELL of a lot to discuss.”he said looking back and forth between the two of us.

“There’s nothing to discuss. She slept in the spare bedroom. We watched LOST all day. Thats it.”I spoke up as I walked up behind him.

“You know you can just stay out of this. Don’t you need to be getting to the airport or something?”Nick asked rudely.

“Stop acting like that Nick. Nothing happened.”Caroline said as Brian and Leighanne walked in my open front door to see the nice scene that was playing out.

“You expect me to believe that when you’re standing in front of all of us half naked.”he said. Point taken.

“I just got out of the shower.”she defended. Nice try, but her hair wasn’t wet anymore.

“Whatever.”Nick said shaking his head. He was furious.

“I don’t mean to interrupt, but we gotta go.”Brian said practically pulling me out the door.

“Wait on me!”I heard Caroline yell as I was putting my suitcases in the back of Brian’s SUV.

“Hey Bay.”I said waving to Baylee who was in the middle seat. He waved back to me and then went back to his Nintendo DS.
“Why are you so mad at me babe?”Nick yelled following Caroline outside towards the car.

“Because Nick you’re acting like a jealous asshole right now.”Caroline said with a “heard that” ringing from Brian as he walked out behind them.

“Stay out of it Rok.”Nick said. When Nick was pissed, he saw red and no one was clear from his fire.

“Look why don’t you just have the rest of the day to think about all of this and I will see you tomorrow morning back at the hotel okay?”Caroline said resting her hand on his chest. He looked down at her hand and then back up at her, kissed her on the cheek, and walked back to his car. He might himself actually love her. That’d be a first for Carter. She turned from him and got into the backseat with me to ride towards the airport.

“Why doesn’t anybody wanna sit with me gosh!”Baylee said making everyone laugh. After a few minutes of getting death stares from Brian and Leighanne, I felt Caroline’s hand slide into mine. I looked over at her and smirked. I got my girl back. I got my girl back!...sort of.

--- CAROLINE ---

For once, we were walking into an airport where no one knew we were actually coming. We had to go through the ticket check an baggage check. We did have to wait to get special permission to go with AJ to his terminal though.

“I think we’re gonna hang back here for a little bit until your ready to go.”Brian said winking at me as the three of them went into a little gift shop. “Less attention that way.”
I felt AJ fumbling around reaching for my hand as we walked towards his terminal. I knew our picture was getting taken and I knew Nick would see it, but at this point its just like whatever you know?

“Wow they are already boarding your flight. Mr. First Class you can already get on board.”I said pulling on his shirt a little bit as I leaned into him. I was all about this man today. He just had never looked sexier to me. It was probably because he would be gone for so long and I knew that, which is why I wanted to take advantage of what little time I did have with him. Today was a nice day...didn’t know what it meant. It was all supposed to be “pretend”.

“Ugh! I don’t wanna go! I’m crazy about you today.”he said hugging me so tightly that I could barely breathe.

“I’m crazy about you today.”I said as he leaned down to kiss me. Again - didn’t care that Nick would see these photos. I’d deal with the consequences later.

“Alright Rok - Leigh - Little Bay.”AJ said going through giving them each a hug as they walked up a few minutes later. “Take care. I’ll be in touch with you guys.”

“Stay safe. We’ll keep you in our prayers.”Leighanne said as she walked by and pinched me with her disapproval of what I was doing. She knew I couldn’t help it though. Look at those puppy dog brown eyes.

“We’ll wait for you at the front.”Brian said patting me on the back as he walked behind me.

“Please take this seriously.”I said looking back to AJ as they walked off.

“I’m going to. I know that taking it seriously means you.”he said with a sweet smile. “So I got this.”he said putting his hand on the side of my face. “Don’t cry. Don’t even cry.”he said seeing me tear up. “Because you’re gonna start crying and then I’ll start crying and then it’ll just be a huge mess.”he said making me laugh.

“I love you.”I said taking a deep breathe. That was the first time I had said it first in forever.

“I love you more.”he said leaning down to kiss me again. I couldn’t help myself as I pulled his face closer to mine with both my hands on his cheeks. He had a firm enough grip on my butt to lift me off the ground a little. “I’ll call you all the time. Don’t forget about me while I’m gone.”he said putting me down.

“I could never forget about you.”I said shaking my head.

“UGH! I don’t wanna go!”he said as they called last boarding for his flight.

“I’ll write you.”I said as he pulled me in for another kiss.

“I love you so much.”he said smiling as he started to walk away. I saw him wave to me as he was getting his ticket checked. I stayed at the glass window, with a flood of tears streaming down my face, and suddenly he reappeared. He talked to the ticket lady for a second and then jogged over to me.

“If I’m better when I come back.”he said trying to catch his breath. “Will you leave Nick for me?” I looked down at the floor and then back up at him.

“Yeah.”I said giving him a slight smile. It was inevitable. He leaned down to kiss me one last time and then he was gone.

Chapter 31: It’s Known That I’m a Coward

“Babe!”Nick said running towards me in his grey sweatpants as I drove up in his driveway. I had nowhere else to go. “Babe just let me -”he started but I put my hand up to stop him as I hopped out of his Tahoe.

“You don’t have to explain.”I said putting my hand in his. He looked down at my hand and then narrowed his eyes as he looked back up at me. “I slept with him.” He jerked his hand back out of mine. My head fell towards the ground and I could hear his breathing getting heavier as he looked up at the sky. “Calm down please.”Nick had a temper, a big temper, and I knew he was about to be outraged. His fist slammed down on the hood of the Tahoe putting an instant dent as he pulled it away.

“How can you ask me to fucking calm down?”he asked as he turned to look at me. His face was as red as I’d ever seen it. “You slept with someone else on my birthday Caroline. I mean any other day...”he said letting his voice trail as he put his hands on his hips.

“He wasn’t just somebody.”I said quietly.

“YOUR NOT WITH THAT SOMEBODY ANYMORE!”Nick yelled getting right in my face. “You choose right now!”

“Don’t make me do this Nick.”I said looking away from him. He was standing so close to me his chest was touching mine. “Don’t make me choose.”

“You choose or hand me my truck keys and get the fuck outta my house.”he said. I had never heard him be this mean.

“Don’t do this Nick. I’ll choose him everytime. You know that.”I said feeling the tears slowly start to come down my face. The next thing I knew the side of my face was stinging worse than I’d ever felt as I realized he had reached his hand out and slapped me across the face. As a reflex my hand went to my cheek and he backed away obviously in shock of what he did.

“I’m - “he stammered. “I - babe.” He reached out to touch me, but I pushed him away.

“How could you -”I started, but I think I was in just as much shock as he was. I fell back into the side of the truck, pressing my back to the metal.

“I’m sorry babe. I didn’t.”he said trying to touch my shoulders.

“Get the fuck off me.”I yelled pushing him away so hard he almost stumbled over and fell.

“What’s going on out here?”Aaron said as he jogged towards us. He looked over at Nick concerned as I was slumped over the floorboard of the truck. “Are you okay?”he asked walking past his brother to me. He touched his hand to my cheek and looked back at Nick. Obviously there was a mark. He shook his head and walked away from us back inside. I suppose Aaron had called Brian because he was there before I knew it. Nick and I had just been standing there awkwardly.

“Oh God.”Nick said sighing as Brian slammed the door to his car.

NICK ---

I don’t know what just came over me. I didn’t even feel like myself. I feel like I just got possessed. I’ve never hit a woman in my life. I just -

“Come on!”Brian said grabbing Caroline’s bag from the ground in front of her. He pulled on her arm for her to follow him as he glared back at me.

“ROK COME ON!”I yelled as I followed him towards his car. He shut the door behind her and walked around to the passenger side.

“You better not ever have Aaron call me and tell me something like this again Nick.”he said getting all up in my face.

“Back off man.”I said bucking up right back at him.

“No you back off! This isn’t anything like with Paris. I didn’t give a shit because I didn’t care about her!”he yelled. “This is my family! This is my niece we’re talking about here man not just a another Hollywood slut. You’re messing with my family now and I won’t let you do that.”he said pushing me off of him as he got back in that car. I felt horrible. I didn’t know what to do. I guess that was the end of me and her. There was no damn way I could make it up to her.

CAROLINE --

“It’s okay.”Brian said patting me on the hand. “Stop shaking.”he said noticing my entire body was hyped up from the event. I said nothing. “He hit you?”

“He slapped me.”I said about to hyperventalate. “He’s got a temper Bri.”

“I know. I’ve known him my whole life. That’s why we told you it wasn’t a good idea, but you don’t listen to me and Leigh ever. We’re just looking out for you.”Brian said. I couldn’t tell if he was about to cry or not, but he sure was blazing mad.

“I didn’t tell Leigh because she would have came over here and castrated him, so just tell her you guys got in a fight when we get to the hotel.”he said focusing intently on the road in front of him. My phone was ringing off the hook. “I just don’t get you. I mean what are you doing? You’re tearing our band apart.”my breathing was fast again and I felt like i might pass out. Brian was disappointed in me and that was like having my own father mad at me.
“I don’t mean to. I love both of them. I just - “I started but stopped as we gave the valet the keys.

“You love AJ Caroline you just think Nick’s hot.”he said. I knew he was right. I was in lust for Nick times a thousand. “Neither one of them are ever going to be good enough for you. You deserve better than either of them could provide for you. Fame has screwed all of us up, just them a little bit more than me.”he said putting his arm around me as we walked to the elevator. “Nick lives in an alternate reality. He doesn’t have a normal life. He never did. He’s always been in the spotlight and I’m not making excuses for him, but he doesn’t know how to deal with situations he’s not use to and sometimes he flips out.”

“Well do you think I should talk to him?”I asked as Brian checked in a room for me.

“It’s up to you. You don’t listen to me anyways. We cant let her see you though, so you gotta stay in your room and don’t answer it for her. She will know what happened in a heartbeat. There is a still a handprint.”he said putting his hand on my cheek as we stood in the elevator. “Just try to get some sleep. I’ll text you when to come out tomorrow.”he said as we approached my door.

“Thank you Bri.”I said pulling him into a hug.

“I love you so much. I don’t want you to get hurt.”he said rubbing his hand up my back.

“I’ll be fine.”I said as he let me go. I shut the door behind me realizing my phone had a different ringtone now.

“Hey beautiful.”AJ said on the other end as I sat down on the bed. I could see the redness on my cheek as I looked in the mirror across from where I was sitting.

“Hey.”I said letting my voice drag.

“Are you okay?”he asked with a sense of concern in his voice.

“I’m okay.”I said sighing.

“You’re lying babe.”he said.

“It’s nothing. It’s good to hear your voice.”I said focusing on how deep and sexy his voice was on the other end. It was the only thing keeping the burning down.

“I just wanted you to know I got in safe. They said I can start having visitors in two weeks so I’ll get you a flight soon here.”he said.

“Good.”I said distracted by the continuous beeping of Nick’s call trying to come through.

“I gotta get going though and get settled in. I’ll text you later.”he said hopeful.
“Alright. I love you.”I said hearing the other line go dead. “WHAT NICK?!?”I yelled as I answered his call.

“Just let me explain and don’t hang up.”he sounded frantic. I could hear the bustle of traffic. He was driving somewhere. I could hear him honking the horn.

“You better not be coming here Carter because there is nothing to explain.”I said and he sighed.

“I’m just driving.”he said.

“Well you shouldn’t be if you’re so pissed.”I said laying back in my bed.

“Are you coming to the studio with them tomorrow?”he asked.

“Probably not. Brian won’t let me leave this room until my face looks better.”I could hear him whince as I said it. “He doesn’t want Leighanne to know. She will kill you Nick.”I said as AJ beeped in again. “Hang on Nick.”

“Why would you lie to me?”AJ asked. His voice had a tint of anger in it. “Aaron called me and I just got the message.”

“It’s not what you think.”I said trying to get him to calm down.

“I’m getting the next flight down there. Somebody needs to teach that fucker a lesson.”he said gritting his teeth together.

“AJ NO!”I yelled. “YOU NEED TO STAY THERE AND GET BETTER!”

“Fuck that! You need me.”he yelled back.

“I don’t need you to take care of this. I need for you to get better AJ! Brian can handle this.”I said and he hung up on me before I could finish. I clicked back over to Nick. “Aaron told AJ.”

“God dammit.”he said quietly. I think he was finally starting to calm down.

“He just hung up on me. He says he’s flying back right now.”I said and he was quiet for a few minutes. “Hello?”

“He’s gonna kill me. He’s gonna fucking kill me.”Nick said quietly. I’m pretty sure he was crying.

“Maybe you should call him, or have Kevin call him or something.”I said sighing.

“Kevin.”he said.

“I’m gonna go. He needs to stay there though Nick and you know that. Make it happen. I’ll talk to you...”I said pausing. “Sometime soon.”I ended the call before he had time to reply and laid back on the bed.

Chapter 32:

In what felt like minutes I was awoken to beating on my hotel door. It literally made my heartstop. It was already seven in the morning.

“It’s me.”I heard from the other side. I could feel the chunks rising.

“I told you to stay there! Theyre gonna kick you out of the program.”I said as he pushed past me to turn the light on. He wanted to see the damage and honestly so did I.

“I don’t give a shit about that. This is more important.”he said pushing my hair out of my face so he could see my cheek. It must look bad because his pupils got huge all of the sudden. His eyes softened as he rubbed the back of his hand over my cheek. “I’m sorry i wasn’t here to protect you.”

“He didn’t mean to.”I said and he rolled his eyes as he turned my face so i could look in the mirror. It looked horrible. There was still a handprint mark and it was slowly turning black and blue.

“I could slit his damn throat right now.”he said breathing out hard as he pulled me into his chest. His breathing was getting pretty rapid and he was getting all worked up.“What happened?”

“I went back to his place after I left the airport and he was trying to apologize for being a jerk and -”I paused for a minute because I didn’t want to cry. If I cried, he would flip out and he definetly would go start something with Nick. He hated when someone made me cry. “And I told him we slept together and he flipped, asked me to choose between you and him and I told him I wouldn’t and that if he made me that it’d be...”I stopped unsure of whether to say this to him because if I did I was letting him back in. He looked at me waiting for me to go on. “I told him I’d choose you.”He formed what little of a smile he could as there was another knock on the door. My stomach sank....please don’t be Nick.

The look on Brian’s face as he opened the door to AJ and not me was priceless. “She found out.”he said pushing past him. Mother fucker. “I guess Kevin called to talk to me after Nick called him, Baylee answered and gave the phone to Leigh. She’s on her way here from downtown and she is gonna flip her shit so I’m just warning you.” I sat back on the bed and sighed. This was turning into such a big deal, everything with Backstreet turned into such a drama queen big ass deal. “And what the hell are you doing here?”he asked turning to AJ who was pacing in front of the window.

“Coming to take care of the problem.”he said all tough.

“I had it under control. You needed to stay and take care of your problem first.”Brian said as he followed us into the living room area of my hotel room.

“This is my problem Bri!”AJ practically yelled as he threw his hands up in frustration. “I love her.”The room was full of awkward silence now as we all studied the floor. I let him slide his hand in mine and looked up at his crooked smile. “I’m not gonna let him hurt her, no matter if she’s with me or not. I’m not gonna let anything happen to her.”He was talking about me like i wasn’t in the room, but he stared at me as hard as he could.

“Yea but Alex we have it under control. I told you I would watch over her while you were gone. We’ve had this conversation.”Brian said.

“And look how it turned out.”he said rolling his eyes.

“Regardless I was taking care of it. You should have stayed. God, it’s in the new contract with Jive that you would go. You’re just willing to give up...”Brian stopped because I was looking so confused.

“What’s he talking about?”I asked dropping my hand from his as I looked up at him. He breathed out heavily as he pressed his fingers into his temples.

“We signed a new contract with Jive before he left saying that he had to go to rehab and all of us had to make sure he stayed or our contract would be terminated...”Brian started.

“They won’t even know I’m gone.”AJ said defending himself.

“Are you kidding? I bet they already know! This is all of our careers not just your own man.”Brian yelled.

“I couldn’t not come Brian. They’ll understand.”AJ said rolling his eyes. “You know I couldn’t just stay there.”

“Fucking Aaron. I could kill him for making this such a huge deal.”I said running my hands through my hair. AJ breathed out heavily and looked up at Brian.

“You know I had to come man.”he sighed looking for some sort of understanding from Brian.

“You better call Jenn and let her know what’s up because this could potentially really screw us you know that!”Brian yelled. His breathing had not slowed and his face was red as hell. His face shot over to the door as there was another knock. “Go answer it! I’m sure as hell not!”he said looking over at me. I felt like I might throw up because Leighanne was about to ream me. I slowly opened the door and she pushed it open so fast it almost knocked me over.

“I told you, WE TOLD YOU!”she yelled as she stood in front of me. “We say don’t mess with Nick, you fuck Nick...we say don’t date Nick, you fucking date Nick! WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIGURE IT OUT!?! Brian has known him his whole life Caroline don’t be so naive that you would be the exception!!!”
“Leigh calm down.”I said putting my hands on her shoulders.

“You have always just been so damn stupid when it comes to guys and I knew this shit was gonna happen from day one! And I let it go on, I told Brian I hated every minute of it, and Caroline I am sick of it. If I would have known all of this was going to happen I would have never asked you to babysit Baylee.”she said so frustrated she was about to start crying.

“I wish you wouldn’t have.”I said sighing as I looked up at AJ.

“I mean look at you...have you seen your face?!? You look horrible! Is this is the first time he has done this to you and don’t even try to lie.”Leighanne asked trying to calm down as Brian rubbed his hand up her back.

“Yes Leigh this is the first time.”I said and she narrowed her eyes at me. “ITS THE FIRST TIME!” I yelled as tears burst from my eyes. I was so sick of everyone yelling at me. My face hurts like hell. I can barely open my right eye. The room was silent for a moment as everyone was searching for something to say.

“What the hell are you doing here?”Leighanne directed her anger towards AJ.

“I had to.”he said quietly looking down at his feet.

“You didn’t have to do anything! All of this would never have happened if it wasn’t for you starting shit with her. You couldn’t just respect Brian and me and be good to our niece.”she said. I watched AJ’s fists clinch.

“Stop it Leigh!”I said watching her face shoot over to the door to my hotel room which had been left wide open.

“You mother fucker!”AJ said under his breath as Brian put his arm in front of AJ to stop him from lunging at Nick.

“Can we just...”Nick said.

“You don’t get to say anything Nick. Just go.”Leighanne said pushing his chest.

“Caroline do something.”Nick pleaded as he was being pushed out of the door.

“She’s not gonna do shit for you.”AJ yelled. His breathing was getting very heavy as he hovered over me.

“I wasn’t talkin to you.”Nick said rolling his eyes.

“Anything you have to say to her you can say to me.”AJ said pushing his hand into mine.

“So that’s how it is now? One bad thing and you’re with him again.”Nick said shaking his head.

“You fucked up.”AJ yelled as Leighanne was being unsuccessful in holding Nicks twice her size body out the door.

“Not as bad as you.”Nick said quietly. I felt the force of AJ push past me straight into Nick as he pushed him up against the wall.

“I have let this shit go on for to damn long with you.”he said as he had Nick pinned. Leighanne was yelling at Brian to do something, but what was he supposed to really do? The sound of AJ’s fist hitting Nick’s cheek was the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life. The room seemed to be spinning as he just kept beating the shit out of his face. I found my feet moving under me as I was yelling for him to stop.

“STOP IT!”I yelled as I put my hands up on his shoulders to pull him off. “STOP! You’re gonna really hurt him babe! STOP!”I said as he let his grip go and Nick slumped down on the floor.

“I’m done. I’m done.”AJ said putting his hands up to surrender. “I just wanted him to know how it feels. That’s what a real man does for someone he cares about.”Nick squinted as he looked up at him.

“Fuck you.”Nick muttered as he breathed out heavily. His face was fucked up.

“I can’t believe you did NOTHING!”I turned to look at Brian. “YOU LET THIS HAPPEN!”

“Don’t blame this on him Caroline. You know this is your fault.”Leighanne said with her hands on her hips. She was completely fed up and so was I.

“LOOK AT NICK!”I yelled turning back over to him. God it was almost unbearable to look at his face. “You could have STOPPED it!”

“Maybe I didn’t want to.”Brian said and Nick looked up at him. Betrayed by his best friend. I walked over to Nick and squatted down in front of him taking his bloodied face into my hands. He looked pitiful.

“That’s great Caroline.”AJ muttered from behind me.

“Do you need to go to the hospital?”I asked staring at him. He looked away from me quickly not wanting to answer.

“Regardless of what he did to me or with me guys he’s your brother. He’s still your fucking brother. I don’t forget my family.”I said holding my hand out to help him up.

“He stopped being my brother when he took you.”AJ said crossing his arms. I helped Nick into my bedroom and helped him lay down. I pulled the covers up over him and he caught my hand as I was turning to walk out.

“I’m sorry.”he tried to get out the best he could.

“I know.”I said as I closed the door behind me.

“I don’t even know why I came here. It’s the same bullshit. You’re such a liar. You were never planning to leave him even if I did get help and stay there.”AJ said practically running for the door.

“STOP!”I yelled. He wanted dramatics. He wanted me to beg him to stay. He wanted me to run after him so that he felt like I loved him. The truth is after tonight I don’t know what I want or who I want or if I even want a part in this Backstreet thing anymore. It’s way more than I bargained for and its honestly...its just getting to be to much. I grabbed his arm before he could get to the elevator and pulled him around to look at me. I was searching for anything to say to him, but the look on his face said everything. I fumbled around with the buttons on his blue plaid shirt and felt my breathing accelerate as he tried to pull away. “Please don’t do this.”

“How can I not?”he asked looking down at me. “If you wanna be with him, there’s nothing I can do about it. I think you just think that I’ll be here for you forever and that I won’t find someone else and I’ll just wait.”He said running the back of his hand over my cheek. “You’re wrong. And I will move on and you’re gonna figure out that you made the wrong decision today, because I know you love me a hell of a lot more than that asshole in there.”The elevator opened behind him and he stepped on. I wanted to reach out for him. I wanted to beg him, but I just couldn’t. I had no more strength for the situation anymore. None. Leighanne and Brian had sat down at the kitchen table to have a serious conversation with each other and how to handle me so I decided to stay outside and sit up against the wall. I needed some serious time to think. AJ hadn’t tried to call me. He always tried to call. I tried to calm my nerves down by saying he was headed back to rehab, but the truth was I didn’t even know if he would go back. The door opened and Nick poked his head out.

“Leave her alone Nick!”Brian yelled. Nick let the door slam behind him as he looked down at me.

“Can I sit?”he asked pointing to the floor beside me. I nodded my head yes and scooted over as he sat up against the wall next to me. He breathed out heavily and his eyes shifted back and forth from me to the floor as he frantically searched for something to say.

“Nick I love you...I do. It’s just - “I paused searching for the right way to phrase my sentence. “It’s just as much as I love you it’ll never be as much as I feel for him. You know what I mean? I can love you with all my heart, but it still, it just wouldn’t be the same.”

“Can’t you just try? I mean I can be better. You can come with us on the overseas tour. You can - “Nick searched.

“How would me coming on the tour help if he is there? Don’t you see. It would never work because he’s your bandmate Nick and I’ve already done enough damage. If there was no Backstreet Boys and you weren’t Nick Carter then yeah maybe...”I said rubbing my hand on his arm.

“Then I’ll quit. I don’t need the band. I want you.”Nick said and I laughed.

“Are you crazy? Do you hear yourself?”I asked and he smirked. “Your gonna give up your whole lifes work for me?”

“If you asked me to.”he said putting my hand into his.

“I would never ask you to do that.”I said looking up at him. “Your face looks bad.”

“So does yours.”he said sighing. “I’m sorry. I have just been so frustrated and I’ve never done anything like that to someone before. I just - I would never do it again.”

“I can’t just let you back in like that Nick.”I said squeezing his hand. “I think what would be best is for me to just take these next two weeks and be by myself. I’m gonna head back to Georgia with Leigh and then I’ll decide if I wanna come on the tour.” The boys were about to start their This Is Us Tour overseas as soon as AJ finished his rehab...if he even went back. So we shall see how that works out.

“That’s a long time.”Nick said swallowing hard.

“It’ll be fine.”I said not knowing if that was the truth or not. It’d been a long time since I had been by myself.

“Can I call you?”Nick asked as he ran his fingers through mine.

“Yeah I think that’d be okay.”I said smiling at him a little bit. He leaned in and pressed his lips to my cheek. I could feel it burning and my face turning red. He always made me blush. He was just so damn beautiful.

“I’m gonna get going.”he said as our noses touched. “See you in a few weeks.”he said as my heart sank. I was not going to get over him easily. Ugh.