I am alone. I have no one to love, and it's killing me. It's eating me up inside. I don't know what to do. Here I am, drinking my sorrows away. I'm with my friends Sandra and Linda. "Diana, you have got to lighten up. It's not the end of the world." "Yeah? Then why does it feel like I'm dead?" "Because you're depressed?" said Sandra. I looked at her, and just rolled my eyes. "God...every guy that I've ever been with has treated me like shit. I really hate this, guys." "Oh, I agree. We hate seein' you like this. You hardly go out with us anymore...Is there anything else we could do?" I sank my head to the counter, and sighed. "No. You can take me home." Sandra and Linda both helped me up, since I almost drunken myself to an encouragable stupor. There was a full moon out, though in my little world, it was pitch black. The girls helped me into my car, as Linda got into the drivers' seat. "Don't worry, Diana," began Sandra. "Everything is gonna be alright. I'm sure of it." Inside my soul. I wasn't sure to the fullest.

It wasn't long before we arrived at my apartment. They helped my out of the car, and walked me to the door. "Now, D," Linda began. "Are you sure you don't need any company?" "No, I'm perfectly sure. I'll be fine. Night." And with that, I bid my friends adieu, stumbled in the house, and closed the door. I placed the back of my body against the door, and started to cry. I really didn't want to, but I had no other choice. It hurts to even think of having no one, let alone knowing. With a sigh and a shrug, I gathered myself up, and headed upstairs. I had nothing else to do. My paperwork for the firm I work with was complete, and all I wanted to do was take a sweet soothing shower. Maybe that will help calm my emotions down. A little.

After the shower, which by the way didn't do any good, I walked into my master bedroom, and sat by the mirror. As I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like the reflection cast upon it. Right then, I just wanted to ram my fist against it and watch it shatter. What is wrong with me? Am I that desperate to find someone to add into my life? God, help me, for I am a mess. Unbelieveable. 29 and depressed. As I exhaled one last time, I grabbed a comb, and started to comb my long brunette locks. After that, I got into a nice, comfortable nightie, crawled under the covers and drifted off to sleep.

I really didn't feel like getting up. I tossed and turned half the night, so I might as well get up. I slowly sat up, and eased out of bed. As I stretched, I turned my TV on to watch the news. Huh. Same ol' same ol. The war in Iraq still hasn't let up. People getting killed for money. Watching the news made me even more depressed, so I turned it off. I sit down on the bench by my dresser, let my fist rest upon my cheek, and think back just 3 months ago...

"You're what?" I sat across from my then boyfriend, Chris Reynolds at a cafe. He was the one guy that I thought meant something to me. He turned out to be a crock of shit. "I'm breaking up with you. I don't think this is going to work." I just look at him. What the hell was he talking about? I gave him my heart and soul, and he just stepped on it, as if it was nothing. Incredible. "Don't worry, Diana. It's not you--" I put my hand up to silence him. I knew what was coming. "Don't even say that. Don't you dare pull that card on me." "Fine." Chris grabbed his coat and suitcase, and walked out the door. "I'll send for my things in the morning." I turn to look at him. "Won't do you any good to get them, you selfish bastard." Two weeks later, I found out that the only reason he broke up with me was because he was dating his secretary. I couldn't believe it.

This is why I am in the state that I'm in. This is why I feel like pure shit. I can't trust anyone anymore. I let my hands envelop my face. "When?" I ask myself. "When am I gonna find the one?"

Well, nothing's happened yet. I'm still by my lonesome. I guess I'm boring you with my little sad story, but this is all I can talk about now. I am excruciatingly lonely. I really don't wanna bring anyone down at all, it's just how I'm feeling right now. After me and Chris split up, everything's changed, and I don't know as to whom to give my heart to next. Maybe I'll just wait for the right person to come along. Or maybe I'll just be alone for the rest of my life...Only time will tell for sure.

I checked the clock to see if it was time to get ready for work. It was, but I didn't want to go. All I wanted to do was snuggle against my pillow, wrap myself up in a warm blanket with some vanilla ice cream, and watch a good movie. Though when I think about it, I do that every day, so I went to the bathroom. Before I headed for the door, I called The Firm, and said that I was about to be a few minutes late.

It took me more than 15 minutes to get to my job. The reason I was even more late? Traffic. See? I can't even get to work on time. I called my job again, and told them to hold the meeting without me. This is terrible. What's gonna happen next?

On that same day, I didn't want to deal with the hassles of a job, so I went back home. As I walked in my apartment, my dog, Sweetheart, welcomed me in. She's such a nice dog, the only companion that I have now. As she rushed away, I put my purse down, and plopped down on the couch. I kicked my shoes off, and turned on the TV. As it came on, there was a commercial that stated that a group called the Baby Back Boys, or some shit was coming to LA. I've heard their songs on the radio, and they were really good. This is said from someone that hates, and I mean HATES boy bands.

The concert was on May 23, and I decided to get tickets, you know, to see what the fuss was about. I got front row. Big deal. There was a girl behind me that looked to be about 14. She said, "You are so lucky to get front row seats. You'll get on stage for sure." "Huh?" "You must be behind schedule with the Backstreet calendar. At every show, one member will call up a person from the audience to seranade them." Really? Though I have never seen them before (since I only heard them sing) this might be a treat to see them. I told my friends that I was going to the concert, though they told me that they weren't interested. I didn't care.

As soon as I got my ticket, I headed for home. As I got there, I went to my computer. Upon doing that, I did a Web search for 'Backstreet Boys.' When I clicked on one link, a big picture of them popped up. I scanned the pic thoroughly. There was a blonde, young one wearing a black tanktop and white jeans. There was a sandy blonde one with a real strong jawline. He was wearing a white cap, red t-shirt and black shorts. Then there was the tall lanky fellow, with the biggest caterpillar eyebrows that I have ever seen: his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a black suit...Fab-ul-ous! There was a short Hispanic standing next to Caterpillar, with long hair. he too was wearing black. When I thought that that was all of them, there was one more. There was this one member with braids, and sunglasses. He had tattoos everywhere, and he had on a black tank with black jeans with a black bandana wrapped around his head. "Ooh..." I thought. "This one's a cutie. I would love for him to seranade me...and then some..." His name was AJ McLean, but I call him "Hottie McSexxy Ass."

When I turmed off my PC, I took the ticket, put it in a safe place, and headed upstairs. Now I know that I'll have a great time at the concert.

The night had finally come, and I was ready to see the Black and Blue tour. Throughout the whole week of expectancy, I went to many stores and hoarded anything and everything that had the Backstreet Boys on it, mainly AJ. I even bought all of their cd's, though Black and Blue was my favorite. As I was getting my CD purchased, the cashier said to me, "Aren't you a little old for this?" He held up the CD. "Pfft. Yeah, right." I took the CD from his hand. "Thank you." And with that, I headed outside, got in my car, and drove off.

I didn't realize how famous they were. The stadium was packed, and I mean PACKED. As I turned in my ticket, and went in, the crowds were screaming for their favorite one: "HOWIE!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!" NICK!!!! NICK!!!" "BRIAN! I LOVE YOU!!!!" KEVIN!!! WHOO!!!" "AJ!!!!YEAH!!!" All I could do was smile. "Right this way, ma'am" said an usher leading me to my best seat in the house. "Thank you." As I sat down, I realized that I was REAL close to the stage. Ten minutes later, the lights went down, and the crowd went wild. My eyes paid close attention to the stage. Then, they appeared. Five shadowy fiigures emerged from the bottom of the stage, each one wearing leather suits. The one person that I had my eye on was AJ.

The concert was amazing. I really like these guys. They're solely talented. Then, something happened that shouldn't: an intermission. I sat back in my seat, intaking the great performance of my favorite song, "More Than That." After the intermission, I heard music playing, then a man coming down the steps wearing nothing but black. Black tanktop, see-through black long sleeved shirt, and leather pants. This man was sheer sex. "Hello, LA!" shouted AJ through the mic. "Now, I would like to dedicate this song to all the fine ass ladies in the house...I know that you'll love this one..." As he began to sing, his smoothness appeared everywhere he went. This man was truly gorgeous. He's smooth and sexy: just who I'm looking for, but he probably won't be interested. When he got to the "Tonight, we'll find part", his stomach looked as if it turned to liquid, as he curved to the floor. He then got down on his knees, and pretended to smack a woman's ass, though I wish it was mine. I was shocked at what he did next: he grinded the floor, and swiftly got up as if nothing. "Jesus Christ..." I started to fan myself. I didn't know what got me hot: the stadium, or AJ's grinding. Maybe it was a mixture. It must have gotten his attention, because we made instant eye contact. He pointed to me. "You...bring your sexy ass on stage." I was in shock yet again. He called me on stage. A security guard came, and helped me onstage. AJ extended his hand towards me, and I placed my hand upon his. AJ took his shades off, and looked at me with his radiant brown eyes. I was completely lost at that moment...

The moment I was on stage, the crowd erupted in screams. "Please, Beautiful, sit down..." I sought a chair on the stage, and sat down. "Now, what is your name?" "Diana..." "Mmm...Diana...that's a sexy name...for a sexy woman." Now, I had become very wet at his voice towards me. AJ seranaded me with the rest of "Lay Down Beside Me", and all the while, our eyes never left each others. I felt something, though I didn't know what. Maybe it was a deep connection. Maybe it was lust. But whatever it was...it was strong. AJ helped me out of the chair, and we started dancing. I felt his hand glide down my back, and towards the small of it. I bit my lower lip, and I placed my head on his shoulder. As he let go of me, his hands traveled on my waist and down to my hips, then he bent down looking up at me. "Oh, my God..." I thought. "He's really getting to me...And I don't want him to stop." But surely enough, it was over, and he said, "You're great." he smiled, leaned towards me, and kissed both my cheeks softly. There, I stood stone cold. My insides have turned to mush, my legs were Jell-O. My cheeks were on fire from his kiss. As the security guard lead me back to my seat, I just slumped down. "Ma'am, are you alright?" the guard asked. "Y--Yes...I'm fine." As the guard walked off, I continued to look at the stage, for they all came back on.

I think that I have fallen in love, but most of all, fallen in lust, with AJ McLean.



I couldn't get over that. I guess it's one of those things that you can't get over. AJ McLean seranaded me in front of thousands of people, though it felt like me and him were the only two people there. I knew that I fell head over heels in love with him from the first moment I laid eyes upon him. I didn't expect to fall so quickly. As I watched the last performance, I sat back, and smiled. They truly were Larger Than Life.

At the end of the concert, the stadium began to clear out. As I was about to walk out, a security guard stopped me, and handed me a piece of paper. Inside, it read: "Meet me at the Dahlia Export. I'll be waiting for you." The whole message sent chills down my spine. I didn't know what to do next. Sooner than expected, it was 10 on the dot, and I found myself at a restaurant waiting for the mystery person. The restaurant looked very nice: mainly velvet decor, a crystal chandelier, and two Maitre' D's. It looked to be very expensive, but it also looked beautiful. Suddenly, I felt warm hands placed on my shoulders.

Then, a smooth, yet sultry voice.

"Glad you could make it, Diana."

I turned around, and there he was...the one person that seranaded me until I melted: AJ. "You sent me the note?" "Yeah...I wasn't gonna let that end like that. You were on my mind all night after the dance. So, what's your last name?" "De Luriese." "Nice. Is that French?" "Italian." AJ gave me a lopsided smile, and sat across from me. A waiter walked by our table, and AJ placed his hand on his shoulder. "Pinot Grigio, please." Pinot Grigio? Unbelievable. I'm more used to the champagnes with the twist off caps, but... "So, what do you do?" "Well, I work at a management company called The Firm. It's a great job, and it pays well." "The Firm, huh? That company is highly familiar..." AJ takes out a CD case, the 'Black and Blue' CD case, and took out the jacket. "Here, read the bottom line." I took the jacket, and read it. "And a special thanks to The Firm, for helping us fulfill our dream?" I couldn't believe it...I was working for the Backstreet Boys management company...Perfect. The waiter returned with a cool bottle of Pinot Grigio, and two glasses. As AJ poured the wine in our glasses, he said, "I love wine. Don't you?" "Yeah...I'm a champagne type of girl." AJ sat back and smiled. "That's cool. So, after dinner, do you wanna meet the guys? They're in the Dahlia hotel." "I'd love to, AJ." "Hey..." AJ got up, and walked to me. His warm breath felt so inviting. He whispered, "Call me Alex." I closed my eyes, and let his sweet whisper take my mind over.

After dinner, AJ and I walked up to the hotel. The entire elevator ride was starkly quiet, and we didn't even look at each other. Maybe coming with him was a big mistake. What would he want to do with me? I'm not that interesting. I look up at him, waiting for him to say anything. Something to break this loud silence. "Alex..." As I was about to say something to him, the elevator door opened. AJ turned to me, and took my hand, and lead me out of the elevator. As we walked down the narrow hallway, my heart began to beat faster than ever before. I didn't know what was about to happen. All I knew was that he was going to introduce me to the other bandmates, though inside of me that AJ had something else in mind. We stopped at a door. He turned to me, and said, "You ready to go in?" I looked up at him, and my lips parted open a little.

"Yeah..." AJ opened the door, and I looked inside. The room was immaculate. He held my hand, leading me inside. I saw a bed, and sat on it. I didn't see anyone else. "Hey, Bone, what's up? Glad you could make it." I turned around, and saw Howie, coming out with nothing but a towel on. Howie looked at me briefly, before turning around, shaking AJ's hand. "Where are the others?" asked AJ. "They all went to the restaurant, and had dinner. They're still down there, wanna go and meet with them?" "Nah, I'm good. Diana, I'll be back, ok?" As I nodded my head, AJ walked out the door. "Diana? Hello. I'm Howie." I looked up at him, and was met with a hand extended towards me. Attached was a dripping wet Latin man with honey hazel eyes, and long, wet hair. As I shook his hand, I said, "Pleased to meet you." As Howie smiled at me, and let my hand go, he walked out of the room, and closed the door.

There, I sat all alone, looking around the room. AJ has fine taste. Seriously. As I got up, I looked at the dresser drawer that was by the door. I noticed that it was half open, and I really didn't want to look in, but alas, there was a monkey on my back. I walked towards the dresser, and looked in the drawer. All I saw on the inside were pornographic magazines, or what I like to call, "Nudie Books". Since I'm a curious person, I took one book out, and thumbed through it. Suddenly, I heard something drop to the floor. I looked down, and there was a few small bags. I bent down to pick one up, and examined it closely. "No way..." Right before me, was a small bag of cocaine. I quickly picked up the other two bags, and put them in the book, putting it back in the drawer. I didn't know what to do at first. I knew right then not to utter a word to anyone about it. What was AJ doing with bags of cocaine?

I was afraid right then and there of the awaiting answer....though I was mostly scared for him.

So many things were going through my head from what I've experienced. It's been 2 weeks, and it's still bothering me. Part of me wanted to tell him why did he have those bags in his hotel room, but another part of me told me to just leave it alone. There, I sat at my desk, twirling a pencil in my hand, with my other hand resting on my cheek. I sighed, and looked up at the ceiling. A few moments later, my boss, Mr. Collandes walked to my desk. I looked up and jumped out of my worry daze. "How are those reports coming, de Luriese?" "Um...they're coming along great." I quickly looked at the blank pages of paper on the left side of my desk. I was to do a report on the Differentials of Pop bands and Alternative Rock bands, and I didn't even start on it. The one thing that I had my mind on for that last two weeks was AJ. I was worried about him, though I didn't want to jump to conclusions so quickly. "Have it on my desk Wednesday at three." As he walked away, I sigh a quick sigh of relief, and got to work on the report.

Five minutes later, I heard the door open, and I saw Kevin, Brian, Nick and Howie walk in. I didn't notice AJ anywhere. A woman followed them in, and they all sat down around a huge table in the South area of the office. "So, boys," began the interviewer. "You've ended a really big North American Tour entitled, "The Black and Blue Tour". I know that you are all very tired. So fill us in, how was it? Was it to your expectation?" Kevin spoke up first. "Yes, it was. We had a great reaction from our fans, and we can't wait to start another tour again next year." As Kevin was still responding to her question, AJ walked into the room, with his shades on and blonde hair. He didn't look too good either. Maybe he didn't feel too good, or maybe it was something else.

And I hope that that 'something else' isn't what I think it could be.

"AJ!" exclaimed Nick. "Glad you could join us." AJ sat down on a chair, and slumped a little. Something was not right. I didn't let it bother me, so I continued my work. "Well, there's a rumor that you guys are releasing a new album. Fill us in on it." Brian responded this time. "Well, number one, it's true, we are releasing another album very soon. In a few weeks, we're going back in the studio to work on it. It's going to have a more edgy feel to it this time, and I hope that the fans will enjoy it." Just then, AJ got up, and ran to the direction of the bathroom. "Again?" muttered Howie. What did he mean by 'again'? Was he always like that? Kevin got up, and went after him. Brian, Nick and Howie looked at the door, then looked at each other.

Now I knew that something wasn't right. AJ getting sick everyday, always fidgeting in his seat, always wearing shades...day and night. He looked to be instead of that sexual mocha latte sex god that I fell for, but a zombie.

What happened?

"Diana? What's on your mind?" I looked down at my plate, ignoring everything Howie was saying to me. "Diana?" He placed his hand upon mine, and thumbed it.. "What's wrong?" I looked up at Howie. "Howie...what's going on with AJ?" Howie sat back in his chair, and looked down. "I don't know. All I know is that he always comes back from wherever he goes hung over. He's destroying himself. We don't know what to do now. We're beginning to be utterly worried about him. We fear that he's doing more than just drinking." I looked away from Howie. I sighed drinking some of my champagne. "Diana, you've been very quiet. What's wrong?" I couldn't tell Howie this. I just couldn't. He'll just think that I've been eavesdropping on him, and I'll seem foolish.

"Howie...I saw something in AJ's hotel room two weeks ago. When I tell you what it is, can you not tell anyone? Please?" "You have me at your word, Diana. I won't tell a soul." I took a deep breath, and told him what I saw. "In his room, I saw three small bags of cocaine in his drawer. I noticed his porno stash, so I took out a magazine. When I opened it, three bags fell out." I looked away from Howie again, waiting for what he was going to say. "I can't believe it. Why would AJ do this? We have to confront him." As Howie got up, I stopped him. "Howie, please don't tell him that I knew about it...please..." Howie walked up to me, and placed a kiss upon my cheek. He wiped the warm tear from my face, and smiled at me. "It'll be alright. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. Trust me." Within that moment, I embraced Howie deeply. As he took me in, he placed his chin on my shoulder. "Shh, sweetheart...It's gonna be alright..."

Minutes later, Howie drove me home. I didn't say a word throughout the whole drive. Howie turned to me, and asked, "Are you alright?" I didn't say anything. As he parked the car, I sighed and got out. "Howie, I'll see you tomorrow?" "Sorry, I have some business to take care of tomorrow. How about tomorrow night?" I smile at him to acknowledge an affirmation. Just then, he waved goodbye, and drove off.

"Howie, what are you talking about?" Said AJ, taking his shades off. "Just answer the question, AJ. Are you doing more than drinking?" "Hell no! What do you think I'm doing, D?" "That's what I want to know too, man," said Kevin. "We're just worried about you. Every damn day you come to meetings drunk or hung over." "Guys, I'm fine. Don't worry about me, I'm not a little kid anymore." "Yeah, we know that you're not a little kid, but you're our friend, and more importantly...our brother. We just don't want you to destroy yourself." Preached Brian. "Look, you guys, I'm not destroying myself. I'm perfectly fine." Kevin looked at the others, and then looked at AJ. "Ok then. If you're perfectly fine, don't go to the party." AJ looked up at him as if he was crazy. "You're kidding right?" "No." "Kevin, I have to go." "AJ, you don't HAVE to go anywhere. It's just one party. Don't go." AJ got up at Kevin's face. "You're not my mother, Richardson..." "And I don't plan on being your mother, so back off." They didn't know why AJ was getting bitchy all of a sudden. It seemed that he didn't back down when Kevin told him to, so AJ pushed him. "McLean, I said back the fuck off..." "No! Why don't you go boss someone else around, and leave me the hell alone?!" "Because I care about you, alright?!" Kevin walked up to him, and took his leather jacket off. "And if you ever push me again, it's your ass, do you hear me?" AJ didn't say a word. Kevin grabbed his arm, and pulled him close, looking into his eyes for an answer. "I said, do you hear me?" "Crystal clear, Kev. Crystal clear." As Kevin let him go, he walked out, and slammed the door. Brian turned to him, and said, "You have to straighten up, Bone. You can't keep doin' this."

The boys went to the Astoria hotel, to rest up for a meeting tomorrow. While Kevin, Nick, Howie and Brian were in their rooms, sleeping in their beds, AJ was still awake. He sat up in his bed with nothing but blue jeans on. He was massaging his temples, looking up at the ceiling. "Sometimes, they just need to let me live my own life..." thought AJ. He turned to the direction of his dresser drawer. He got up, opened it, and took out a few bags of cocaine. "For this meeting with these execs, I need a quick pick me up..." he thought, so he laid out a magazine, and rolled up a $50 bill. As he sat down on the couch, pulling the coffee table towards him, he emptied out the contents of the bags, and pulled out a razor blade to even the powder up to become lines. He took a deep breath, put the rolled up bill to his nose, eased down, and sniffed up a few lines. He shook his head a little, and an indistinct 'whoo' came out of his mouth.

I drove up to the Waldorf-Astoria hotel so I could talk to AJ about the one other thing that was eating me up inside: telling him how much I loved him. I never thought that I would work up such courage. As I went up to the elevator, I took a deep breath. "Well, it's now or never, Diana." As I made it up to the third floor, I walked up to his door. As I was about to knock, I stopped myself. What was I thinking? Why am I even up here? I know that he doesn't want me. I bet that the dance we shared was just a dance that we shared. Ya know, part of his job to get a woman wet, and then sit them back down unsatisfied within. Just as I was thinking, I noticed that the door was cracked open. I then heard some noises, though I couldn't tell what they were. I cracked it just a bit, then peeked in the room. That was when I saw the one thing that I wish I hadn't seen. "Oh, my God..." I said to myself breathlessly. There he was, sitting on his couch, shooting up lines as if nothing. I couldn't believe it. "AJ...Why?" AJ looked up and saw me. He got up, and walked to the door, pushing me away, yelling for me to get out. As he slammed the door, I held my mouth, and began to cry. Within seconds, I heard another door open. Howie walked out of his room, and saw me crying in front of AJ's door. "Diana...what's wrong, honey?" I turned to him, and embraced him, crying hysterically. "He's...he's killing himself..." "Committing suicide?" "No..." I look up at Howie with tearful eyes. "He's doing lines in his room...as we speak..." Howie let me go, and knocked on the door. Silence overtook the whole moment for like a few minutes. Howie knocked again, and AJ opened the door. "What, Dorough?" "What are you doing in there? Huh? Why do you have cocaine?" AJ looked at me with sheer anger within his dark, chocolate orbs. "You told him, didn't you?" Howie grabbed his arm. "She didn't even have to tell me! I know that you were doing more than alcohol, Alex. You need help." "D, this is fuckin' crazy! I don't need help, and I don't need any goddamn parental lectures from you, Kevin Dickerson, or anyone else!" "But AJ, I care---I mean we care about you...please, stop what you're doing, alright?" "Look, Diana, I don't need this shit from you, either. So you need to get away from me, you got that?!" "Oh, I got it alright...I got it loud and clear!" And after that, I ran out, and ran downstairs crying my eyes out.

Doesn't he realize that we love him? And that I love him more than life itself? I guess he doesn't.

I was completely distraught from that point on. I didn't know what to do. All I had to do, I guess, was to wait. But there is one point that I have to make. I'm tired of waiting. I just...I guess I want AJ to be of sound mind, so I can tell him how I feel. The one person that has been with me through this was Howie. Don't get me wrong, I care a lot for him, too, but it's something about AJ that I love so much. He just needs guidance.

Somehow, months turned into years, and the Backstreet Boys decided to take a break. The break was supposed to take about a year, but it turned into two years...then three. AJ went into rehab in September, only to relapse several months later. It was painful to sit at home, and watch him break down one by one. It was horrible. I guess I would never get my chance to tell him how I feel.

In an instant, it was 2003. I sat in my room, and watched some television. I wish I could turn back the hands of time to 2001 and tell AJ how I felt right then...but that's never going to happen. As I sat in my room, the doorbell rang. "Who is it now?" I said to myself, as I got up. As I opened the door, I was surprised to see the one person that has stood by me through this whole ordeal: Howie Dorough. "Howie...hey..." I said sort of breathlessly.

He actually surprised me. I thought that he would forget about me, now that he has more time with his Dorough Lupus Foundation. "I came by to see how you were doing. Are you ok?" As I let him in, I stood there looking at him, smiling. "Yeah, I'm fine, but you know, life goes on." "Yeah, it does." Howie saw a chair, and sat down. "I have something to tell you. Please, sit." I walked to a seat that was across from him, and sat in it, never taking my eye off of him. "What's up?" "Well, it's about AJ." Then, my heart jumped in my throat. I feared instantly that something was wrong with him, or worse, something happened. "Oh, my God...What happened to him?" Howie placed his hand on my knee, and looked at me with his beautiful brown eyes. "Nothing happened to him. He's actually, to tell you the truth, perfectly fine. He went into rehab in 2001, and--" "He relapsed?" I blurted. "No, he didn't. He's two years sober now." I sat in my seat, shocked at what Howie let fall out of his mouth. I couldn't believe it...AJ McLean? Two years sober? As those words swam in my head, a big smile swept across my face. The one smile that Howie loved so much. "Are you serious?" "Like a heart attack, Diana. He's perfectly healthy." This was unbelievable. AJ's perfectly healthy. I got up, walked up to Howie, and hugged him tight. r0;Thank you so much for telling me this great newsr30;" "Anytime, Diana..." Our embrace parted, only to have him look deep into my eyes again.

"Diana? There is something that I have to ask you..." "What is it?" Howie walks closer to me, never taking his eyes off of me for a second. "Do you have feelings for me...?" I looked down on the ground, thinking of what to say to him. Sure, I have feelings for Howie, but it's AJ McLean that has my heart. Even though he doesn't know it, I loved him from the beginning. I again look into Howie's eyes, and weakly smile. "Yes, I do." "But..." it was as if he read my mind. He knew that there was something more to that, something more that I'm sure he didn't want to hear. "Howard, I love you, so very much, but..." "It's AJ that has your heart, right?" I gulped, looking back at Howie. "Yes." As if I thought that Howie was going to be furious, he wasn't. He smiled, though I couldn't read what kind of smile it was. "I hope you're not mad at me...I can't help who I fall in love with." "It's fine, Diana. I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're thinking right now..." "No...not at all, actually..." I walk up to Howie, and lay a soft, feathery kiss upon his plumped lips. "That's for being there for me, and for AJ. Thank you..." Howie takes my hands, and pulls them to his chest. I could feel his heart beat through his dark brown jacket. He pulls me to him, and our lips meet, intertwined in a sweet kiss. "That...is saying you're welcome. I care for you a great deal, Diana. I don't know what I would do, had you left this earth...." "You would go criminally insane without me..." "Damn right..." Howie grips my hand tightly, looking into my eyes smiling. He looks up at the clock on my wall, and says, "I have to go meet AJ in Chicago in a few hours. Do you want to come with?" My eyes literally lit up. "More than anything in the world."

We arrive in Chicago after a grueling plane ride. Me and Howie get off the plane, with him feeling fine, but with me feeling like utter shit. Howie held onto me, despite the fact that he felt slightly jet-laggish. "D, are you ok?" "I'm fine, Howie...just..." I quickly got out of the tarmac, and searched for a nearby bush, and empty out everything I ever ate. Howie was standing behind me, rubbing my back, telling me that I'll be fine. I raise my head up, wiping my mouth. I turn around, and there's a mint staring me in the face. "I think you might need this," stated Howie, with a smile. I popped it in my mouth, "Thanks." He patted me on the shoulder, and we hailed a cab to take us to the Marriott Hotel. "So, you said that he's in the hotel?" "Yep. You're anxious to see him, huh?" "Anxious is not the word to describe it, Dorough. Thank you so much for taking me to him." "As said before, Diana, anything for you."

We got off the elevator, and headed to the room that AJ was staying at. My nerves began to get the best of me. My hands were starting to shake, and Howie noticed this. He takes my hand, and intertwined it with his. "Don't you worry, everything will be fine." Easier said than done. Even though AJ was on the road to recovery, I didn't know if he wanted to see me again, seeing as she shooed me away after busting him using drugs. I had to tell AJ how I felt about him. If I didn't, I would spend my whole entire life wondering if he too, loved me.

"Well, this is it," Howie said, as we stood by AJ's hotel room. I took a deep breath, swallowing the rest of my mint. I look up at Howie with worry in my face. He gives me the, "everything will be alright" look, and I immediately calmed down. Howie knocked on his door. My stomach began to get entangled in knots. The tension was so thick, and there was a point in that moment where I couldn't breathe. "Dorough, I can't do this." "Sure you can, D. Besides, it's only AJ." The door opens, and AJ walks out, taking Howie into a deep embrace. "D! So good to see you, man!" AJ's look had changed thoughout the course of 3 years: he now wears Von Dutch caps, tight sweaters with t-shirts over them, torn-to-the-knee blue jeans, and gymshoes. He has more tattoos than I previously seen, and most of all, he stopped wearing shades. "How's everything goin', man?" "I'm good, DLF's good, and Diana's good." "Diana?" I walked out of my mini hiding place, and stood in front of AJ. He was very surprised to see me, much to my own, for I didn't expect that. "Hey, Diana..." AJ walked up to me, and held me tight, laughing in my neck, stating how he missed me so. "My God, how long has it been, girl?" "Too long..." I say to him in a whisper. He takes my hand, and leads me to the room. As Howie was about to walk in, AJ stopped him. "Um...me and Diana has a lot of catching up to do..." Howie smiled a bit shyly, resting his hands in his pockets. "I see...tell her I'll call." Howie then turns around, and walks down the hall, entering the elevator to the first floor.

"2 years sober, huh?" "Yep...and I feel great." "You look great too, AJ." he smiled sweetly, rubbing his hands on his legs. "Diana...there's something that I have to tell you...I've been meaning to get it off my chest, but I wasn't able to reach you." AJ takes both of my hands, and places them on his chest. "Wh--what is it, AJ?" He took a deep breath, and begins after saying, 'whoo'.

"Look, for the past 3 1/2 years, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I wanted to say I was sorry for what I said to you that night. You only wanted to know what was the matter, and I drove you away. I never meant to drive you away, Diana. You mean too much to me. When we danced at that concert, I felt something I've never felt before. I wish that you were there with me to help ease my pain, and to help me get through pre-sobriety. Diana, can you ever forgive a healing fool?" I didn't know what to say at first. He actually poured his heart out to me, and it shocked me more than anything. I never thought that he would care a great deal for me, nor would remember me at all. AJ looked me in the eyes, waiting for me to give him an answer. "Yes, I forgive you, AJ..." AJ leaned in to my ear and whispered, "Please...call me Alex..." the sound of his raspy whisper sent chills down my spine. "Alex..." He brings his head up, and we are again face to face. "Diana, I never want to lose you...ever." "Alex...you can never lose me...I am for you, and you are for me." He had a free hand, which was placed on my face, caressing it. I lightly covered my hand over his, and close my eyes. I hear him sing in a soft, angelic voice:

"...This is no ordinary love
And I can never have enough
Of all the things you've given to me
You're my heart, my soul, my everything.
Every night, I thank you, Lord
For giving me the strength to love her more and more
Each day I promise her
As long as I hear those three words..."

Those are the most wonderful lyrics I have ever heard. Without us knowing, we were in the middle of the hotel room floor, rocking back and forth, holding each other. My head was on his chest, and I sighed at the sound of his heartbeat. "Diana...?" "Yes, Alex?" "I...I love you." My head sprung up, and I looked into his eyes. "Alex...yo..you mean it?" "More than ever, de Luriese...more than ever." "I love you, too, AJ McLean..."

He leans in, and lays a sweet kiss upon my lips. Absentmindedly, I wrap my arms around him, pressing the kiss on more. He pulls back, looking into my eyes with his light brown orbs. "Don't let me go, Alex..." "Diana...that's a promise that I am willing to keep."

EPILOGUE:

"So, how do you feel tonight, Mr. McLean?" "Well, I feel mighty dandy, Mrs. McLean." AJ and Diana are now married. It wasn't long that they had tied the knot either. In fact, it was in the spring of 2005 that they shared wedded bliss.

AJ and Diana are in their bed of their newly furnished apartment building. They are both entangled in the covers, holding each other close. "Alex...?" "Yeah, babe?" "Can you believe it?" AJ sits up, looking down at her. "Believe what?" She snuggles closer to her husband, playing with his '69' tattoo around his belly button. "That we're finally married? That it actually happened? That we're together to express our love?"

AJ cups her face in his hands, leaning down to her. "Yes, Diana...I can believe it...because we're built to last." he gives her a soft peck on the lips, and lies
back down, holding her close. He rubs her arm, looking into her eyes. "I love you, AJ McLean..." "And I love you, Diana McLean...now, and forever."