UNDERNEATH TOUR 2004

--Taylor—

Okay so I am officially living a bad soap opera. Everything is my fault, I did it to myself. What did you guys expect from me? I’m dating this girl Natalie, and she’s cool, but she’s not Caroline and she never will be, not matter how hard she tries. I feel horrible for her, dammit she tries so hard. She’s beautiful and everything I should want, but it’s just not enough. We have been dating for about a year and a half, nothing has changed. A lot of fan sites have went up about her being hateful to the fans. She’s never done anything in front of me, so I can’t tell if they are true or not. I don’t know I guess I am just lonely. She fills a void.

It’s been two years since I’ve seen Caroline, two years since she found out what I was doing behind her back. The girls, the lies, the sex, everything I did on tour while she was back in Tulsa waiting on me to come back home. She was my best friend since she moved in across the street. I remember that first day well. She was eight, same age as Zac, and I was ten. I always envied her because me and my brothers and sisters were home schooled and she got to leave everyday and get on the school bus and go to real school. I don’t know, she became my best friend and we did everything together up until the night the people from Mercury Records came and drug us off to Hollywood.

“Taylor! Dude guess who’s flying in today?!?”Zac yelled running into the back of the bus where I was laying half thinking and half watching Scrubs. I loved this show. Zac was always so full of energy and ALWAYS yelling. At age nineteen he still hadn’t outgrown it, I doubt he will.

“What do you want?”I asked annoyed with him. It didn’t take long for that to happen between us.

“I was just talking to Dad and he said Mom left about an hour ago to head to the airport…guess who she’s picking up?”Zac said leaning up against the doorframe. I could tell he was about to burst to tell me so I looked at him waiting for him to go on.

“Caroline.”he said and I almost spit the Dr.Pepper I had just sipped out onto the floor. He laughed a little at how surprised I was.

“WHAT?!?”I yelled hearing a rustle of noise in the front. Please be wrong Zac. PLEASE!

“Yup…Mom invited her…something happened back in Tulsa with her not sure what though.”he said and I heard a voice. She was here.

-- Caroline --

So this is maybe the most uncomfortable thing I have EVER and I mean EVER done in my life! The first hug with Diana was awkward. I haven’t seen these people in almost two years. I was excited but nervous. Nothing, no nerves I had ever had in my life, would compare to seeing Taylor. The whole plane ride I felt like puking waiting on this moment to arrive. The last time I had seen Taylor was the same night I found out he was cheating on me. I had gotten a part on a small television show and had driven out to see Taylor as they had started recording the This Time Around album. I caught him making out with some girl and that’s when it ended. I knew she wasn’t the first and I knew she wasn’t going to be the last. It’s never been the same since. Taylor’s my soulmate, no matter how much I deny it. He just is. Ever heard that song by them Love Song…that’s me and Taylor. Lifelong Love. No matter how much I can’t stand it, it will always be him. We had talked on the phone a few times since the “incident” nothing to great, but we agreed to be civil to one another if we ever crossed paths. The truth is the only reason I am here is because my mother died a few days ago and my brother had called Diana to let her know. She felt horrible and invited me out to stay with the family until the funeral arrangements were made. My mother and her had been best friends before the Hanson’s got real famous. I had watched my mother die. She had lung cancer, smoked a pack a day for her whole life so I watched her progressively get worse. I think Diana just wanted me out of the house so I wouldn’t be alone during the whole thing. We were all going to go to the funeral together. As I sat at the table drinking a coke with Zac I wondered when had these boys grown up. Zac was huge compared to the last time I had seen him. His hair was cute so short compared to the riduclously long hair they had before, but his face was cute. Very cute! I heard the footsteps from the back of the bus and braced myself for what was the come. To say I was floored when Jordan Taylor Hanson walked out in front of me would be an understatement. This boy was gorgeous. I know after what he did I shouldn’t give him the time of day but GOOD GOD! His hair was cute short also, short and shaggy…oh my God.

“Are you not going to say hey to her Taylor?”Zac asked leaning back in the bus booth. He looked back at Taylor and smiled. I could tell he thought this was uncomfortableness was funny as hell. Taylor looked over at Zac like he could kill him and Zac got up from the table and laughed his way into the back. Taylor continued to do whatever in the hell it was he was doing by the microwave and after his meal was heated up he walked over and sat in front of me.

“What are you doing here?”he asked in a rude tone as he took his first bite of E-Z Mac.

“Nice to see you too Tay.”I said knowing it would really piss him off to call him that. He hated it, but not when I called him it.

“Look don’t act like everything is fine and we are perfect again cause its not.”he said looking up at me. He had so much hatred coming out of him it was weird.

“Taylor you did it not me.”I said leaning back crossing my arms. He was so intense about the whole thing still, after two years.

“Caroline GOD! How many times do I have to say sorry before you will just forget it?!”he yelled slamming his hands down on the table making his fork drop to the floor. He stood up and walked back over to the counter by the microwave. He put his two hands on the counter top and leaned on it looking down shaking his head.

“Taylor chill out. It’s been two years…I’m not going to hate you forever.”I said and he looked up at me as I put my hand on his arm. He closed his eyes looking back down at the countertop.

“Don’t say all of this if you don’t mean it.”he said looking down at my hand on his arm.

“It’s been long enough.”I said as he looked up at me. “It was different with us.” I wanted to forgive him. I missed him more than anything.

“Taylor?!? Hey baby!”a brown headed girl with a greasy forehead said bopping into the bus. Oh my GOD! He had a girlfriend. No fucking wonder. He took his arm away from mine and gave her a fake smile. See Taylor has two smiles, one when he is genuinely happy with something and his eyes crinkle up perfectly and another one where he shows just a little to much teeth.

“We have to talk!”she said grabbing his arm looking over at me with a weird look. She pulled him to the back of the bus away from me. I couldn’t believe it. How could he have a girlfriend and I not know about it?

-- Taylor --

All I could think about while Natalie was busy talking my ear off was Caroline and her hand on my arm. I missed that. I missed the way she could make me forget how pissed I was just by the slightest touch.

“…pregnant.”was the last thing I heard out of Natalie’s mouth and I snapped back into what she was saying. WTF?!

“WHAT!!!”I yelled jumping up off of the couch. I was twenty one years old. I was NOT going to be a father.

“Yea I’m pregnant Taylor.”Natalie said as my eyes grew larger. I could literally feel like growing as she continued to talk.

“Oh my God.”I said putting my head in my hands as the bus screeched to a stop.

“Taylor it’ll be okay.”she said putting her hand on my back. I wanted to fucking throw up right now. My family is hardcore, and I mean HARDCORE, Christian. My parents were going to flip when they found out she was pregnant.

“No Nat.”I said standing up pulling away from her. “It won’t be.”I said walking towards the front of the bus and off as we pulled up to a rest stop slash gas station. I walked swiftly into the bathroom that was off the side of the building and leaned my head over the toilet and puked. I leaned up against the wall wiping my mouth with my sleeve, all of these thoughts of Caroline running threw my head. Why was I such a fuck up?




“Taylor…”a voice said from behind me. I pulled away from Sarah who I was in mid-lip lock with and turned to see Caroline standing there. Her eyes swelled up with tears as she realized what was happening. I must have looked like a deer caught in headlights. I had no idea how I had gotten myself into this situation…oh wait…yes I do it’s sitting in my pants. I dropped my arms from the girl and stood there silent stammering for something to say.

“How could you Taylor? After everything…”she said quietly trying not to let the tears fall.

“Who the hell is she Taylor?”Sarah said backing away from me.

“Don’t worry about who I am…you can have him.”Caroline said putting her hands on her hips waiting on me to say something. Nothing would come out. “I hope you love her Taylor.”she said and turned to walk away. I ran up behind her and grabbed her arm turning her back around to me. I was ashamed and I was trying to use my long blonde hair to cover my face so I wouldn’t have to see how heartbroken hers was.

“How dare you play with me like that Taylor!”she yelled pulling her arm away from me. “My GOD! I can’t believe after all this time of knowing you you could be so God damn stupid.”I could still feel the burn where Sarah had slapped me across the face and walked away towards her car. It was nothing compared to the scolding I was getting from Caroline, knowing she knew about everything killed me.

“I’m sorry.”I said reaching for her hand. “It just gets lonely.”

“You wanna talk about lonely Taylor…”she said shaking her head at me. “Let’s talk about how I sit at home by myself with my mother everynight in Tulsa just waiting on some kinda contact with you. I see you on TV more than I see you in real life Taylor. I have done nothing but sit and worry about something like this going on for a year now and I am done with it! DONE!”she yelled as the tears flowed down her face.

“I’m in love with you Caroline.”I said and she looked up at me and rolled her eyes.

“You must be at a real loss for words.”she said sighing. “If you loved me you wouldn’t be doing these things on the side so don’t stand here and lie straight to my face. You KNOW I deserve better than that.”

“Caroline please!”I said quietly. My voice began to shake and I was going to cry.





I was bound to Natalie for life now. I splashed some water onto my face and stepped back into the sunlight. Caroline was waiting outside obviously having to pee. Damn unisex bathrooms.

“Taylor what’s wrong?”she asked looking at my bloodshot eyes.

“Nothing.”I said looking away from her so she wouldn’t see I had been crying.

“I’m here for a week okay. I don’t want it to be like this.”she said leaning up against the wall.

“It’s not you okay?”I said shaking my head.

“Please don’t give me that it’s not you it’s me shit because its really lame.”she said waving at Zac as he walked off the bus.

“Natalie’s pregnant okay!”I yelled throwing my hands in the air. I could see her swallow hard and I knew it had hit her like a ton of bricks. “It’s my kid and all I have ever wanted is to be back with you and that can never happen now.”she reached for my arm but I pushed away from her and walked back towards the bus. I knew she would follow me. She always did.

“Taylor…”I told you she would come. She sat down beside me in the front of the bus and put her arm on my leg. There was the touch again. I layed back on the couch and tried to block her out. “Why’d you say that back there?”she asked. I hadn’t meant to say it. It just slipped out. Now we were gonna have to talk about it.

“Say what?”I was going to play it off.

“Say that you wanted to be with me.”she said looking down at the floor. All I wanted to tell her was that she was all I wanted forever, but it couldn’t be that way anymore.

-- Caroline --

Taylor opened his blue eyes slowly and looked at me.

“I didn’t say that.”he said closing his eyes back. I was pretty sure I wasn’t crazy and he did actually say that outside of the bathroom. Maybe I should just drop it.

“Right.”I said rolling my eyes at him. He denied everything he didn’t want to talk about.

“Look I meant what I said, but Natalie’s right in that store and I can’t exactly have the conversation with you right now you know? She will be back in here any minute.”he said putting his hand on top of mine. “I only got with her because she filled your place.”

“And you had sex with her because of that?”I asked. I was really hurt that he did that with her. It was a big deal to both of us to be each others firsts. We had talked about it for a while. I guess I couldn’t expect him to save himself for me, but I was still a virgin so if it happened now it wouldn’t even count. It wouldn’t mean as much.

“It wasn’t like that Caroline. She’s not like that, I mean she’s nothing like you. She was just there and it happened.”he said noticing my facial expression had gotten really sad. “What?”

“Nothing it’s just I always thought…”I said but stopped. This whole conversation was stupid. It’d been two years. If he wanted to have sex with someone he could.

“I know I’m sorry that never…that you weren’t my.”he couldn’t finish his sentence either. It was to uncomfortable. I knew what he was saying and I shook my head to let him know I agreed.

“Yea Tay.”I said patting him on his leg as I stood up. I couldn’t look at him anymore. I was getting to worked up over this.

“Don’t be like that.”he said trying to get me to sit back down. I ignored him and kept on walked to the back where Zac was playing a video game.

“You look depressed.”he said as I sat down next to him. “You okay?Lighten up!”Something was different about Zac. He was still the most immature person I knew, but somehow he had grown up.

“I can’t. Wish I could, but everything is just falling apart in my life.”I said leaning back breathing out hard. He pause his video game and looked over at me.

“Mom told me what happened. I’m really sorry.”he said putting his arm around me. This was weird. “Death happens you know. Good thing you got me here to keep you all happy!”he said making me laugh a little. He was interrupted by all the screaming in the front of the bus. “What the hell is going on in there?”

“Taylor knocked up his girlfriend.”I said and his eyes got HUGE!

“Run that by me again.”Zac said shaking his head like he had been unconscious.

“Yeah.”I said letting him know I meant it. I guess his parents had found out from Natalie and they were screaming at the top of their lungs at both of them.

“Geez I’m sorry.”Zac said not really knowing what else to say.

“How long have they been together?”I asked curiously.

“A year or so…she’s kinda a bitch.”Zac said and I smiled.

“I think I wanna go back home Zac.”I said suddenly feeling sick. I couldn’t spend time with them while all of this was going on. It disgusted me.

“Why you just got here? I know things are bad but you still got me.”he said squeezing me tighter. He seemed like a little man to me. It was weird. I think my whole view had changed on Zac from just being here today. He was nineteen now he wasn’t a little kid anymore.

“I like your hair short.”I said running my hands over his clean cut hair he was sporting now. He pulled away from me and smiled.

“Thanks.”he said and I’m pretty sure he just winked at me. Ha. Ha. “You need to stay though…cause I want you to.”I looked over at him and narrowed my eyebrows. Was he hitting on me?

“Well if you want me to.”I said sort of giggling. I couldn’t help it. He was cute. The bus pulled to a stop abruptly and Zac hopped up and looked out the window.

“First stop!Come on!”he said grabbing my hand. He was really excited. I thought he might pee in his pants. As he pulled me off the bus I noticed everyone was already unpacking stuff. There were screaming girls lined up against a barricade by the buses. This was weird. I wondered what it must feel like to be them on the other side. He was just Zac to me, but to them he was a superstar. Taylor was leaned up against the bus with one of his legs propped up. He reminded me of James Dean in that stance. He looked miserable and was just staring at all of the girls screaming for his attention. He smiled and waved at them right before he disappeared into the arena.

“Where’s Isaac?”I asked. I hadn’t seen him yet. I was hoping he was on the other bus. I loved him. He was my big brother. Out of everyone he is who I had kept in touch with as much as possible. He called me at least once a week just to check in. He had been the first one I called when mom died. I couldn’t wait, no I needed to talk with him about Taylor. He would know what to tell me to do.

“Flying in in a few hours. He was visiting his girlfriend.”Zac said handing me a bag from underneath the bus. “Come on follow me.”Zac said as I followed him inside the arena. After I dropped my bag off I wondered around the arena looking for anyone at all. I opened one of the doors and the place was wide open to me. I looked around at all of the empty seats as I stepped up onto the stage. This had been my dream, but once they became famous I put mine on hold. It would be difficult to do anything without just being their opening act or something like that. I sat down on the stage with my feet hanging off. I wanted to cry, but instead I imagined myself up here on stage with all of the seats filled standing next to Taylor and his piano. That’s how we had played when we were younger. I was the singer, not him.

--Taylor—

I didn’t want to tell her what I was about to tell her, but I knew I had to. I walked inside quietly looking for her. This arena seemed so quiet, maybe it was because outside was so loud. There she was sitting at the edge of the stage. She looked incredible up there. She didn’t even look at me as I sat down beside her. She continued to stay silent as I put my hand on her leg and said hey.

“Me and you gotta talk.”I said sighing. I was about to break her heart.

“No shit Tay.”she said finally looking up. She had been crying. She was hiding it well but I knew those bloodshot eyes better than anyone.

“You know in my whole life I’ve never loved anyone as much as you. You know that right?”I said and she nodded her head biting her bottom lip. “And I don’t know. I guess we just work. If I would have known this was how everything would end up I would have never done any of it.”I felt the water trickling down my cheeks. I couldn’t hold it in any longer. This would make a first for us. She had NEVER seen me cry even when I left for California.

“Taylor what’s wrong?”she asked knowing it was serious. I was silent until I felt her hand run up my back. “Tay come on.”she said holding her hand on my back.

“I have to marry her.”there was no holding back my tears now. They burst out like a water dam. I was ashamed and hurt and just all mixed up. She pulled me into a hug and I just cried in her shoulder. Another first for us, we were always in the opposite position. I was supposed to be holding her. “I’m sorry… I am so sorry.”was all I could think of to keep repeating her. I wanted her and needed her to understand that. I wanted her to know everything. I wanted it to go back to just me and her.

“Babe there is nothing you can do now. It’ll be okay.”she said calmly as she kept rubbing her hands up my back.

“When I walked into the kitchen this afternoon I was just like God I am such an asshole. How could I ever let something like her go? And now its just…”I said sniffling as I couldn’t find anyway to explain it to her. She knew what I was saying.

“It’s okay.”she said running her hand through my hair .

“Why do you keep saying that?!? It’s not going to be okay!”I said getting loud as I pulled away from her.
“You know what FINE! Its not going to be okay Taylor YOUR RIGHT! You did this to yourself.”she yelled standing up. Wow. And the truth comes out! Honesty can be hurtful.

“Where did all that come from?”I said standing up beside her.

“Because I am fucking mad Taylor! How could you be so damn stupid?”she said letting everything out. I felt horrible, but I remained silent. “All of these years I have done nothing but hurt and why? All I wanted was to be with you and when I finally get to be around you again…”she said and looked away. I knew her tears were coming.

“What?”I asked quietly touching my hand to hers.

“You’re gone.”she said and walked away shaking her head.

--Caroline—

I didn’t mean to be so mean to Taylor, but dammit he deserved it. I walked outside to the curb and watched the thousands of cars on the boulevard go by. All of the fans I could see were oddly taking a few shots of me sitting down. I guess they thought I was one of their girlfriends.

“Hey!”Diana said walking up behind me. I looked up at her trying to smile. She would see right through it and only look at my tear stained face. She sat down beside me and pulled me into a hug. “If he hasn’t said it yet. He’s sorry.”their mom started and from that moment I wish she had never began speaking.

“I’ve just never seen Taylor act the way he does when he is around you. It’s different with ya’ll. I know it’s cliché but its in his eyes everytime your around him. He just lights up. Today’s the first time I’ve seen it in a while. It’s always been that way. You must make him happy. Don’t know why he wanted to screw everything up like this.”she said letting me go from the hug. I said nothing back to her and she could tell I was getting upset so she changed the subject.

“So we haven’t heard you sing a while you got any new stuff?”she asked.

“Oh yea tons.”I said thinking of my arsenal of Taylor hate and love songs.

“Come on stage tonight and sing during the boys show! It’ll be so much fun!”she said and I shook my head no as she urged it on.

“Are you sure they’d be okay with it?”I asked wondering what it would be like.

“Definitely. You didn’t see the link on their page to your music site?”she asked and I pondered. That’s so awesome that they put me up! She stood up and held her hand out.

“Come on you’re doing it no matter what!”she said pulling me up. “We gotta get you a guitar!”

--Zac –

Being the drummer kinda sucks, no one can see me. I mean they can, but they can’t REALLY see me. I get no crowd interaction. I am in a prison behind them drums.

“So tonight we are going to introduce someone who is very special to myself and my brothers…”Taylor said as the lights turned up a little bit to face Caroline stepping onto the stage with one of Isaac’s acoustics. “She is one of our friend’s from Tulsa you may recognize her from our website, or maybe you don’t, either way when you leave this show tonight you better click on that link and see her.”Taylor said laughing at himself. She looked uncomfortable and nervous. “So she’s gonna sing you a song.” I hated him for what he had done to her. He’d made her miserable for years for no reason other than him being selfish. She took a seat on a stool directly in front of me and adjusted the microphone to the correct height. I knew she didn’t want to do this, but mom had made her.

“How are you guys tonight??”she said smiling. She lit up onstage. She always had. Her music was always something that she had worked on with us when we were younger. I always wondered if she was hurt that she didn’t get to join in on all the fame. She could have outdone us, no doubt, her voice was amazing, but she wanted us to have it more than her. She’s not selfish like some people I am related to. I looked over at Taylor and so did she. I could tell she was still hurting so bad. “So this song is about loving somebody you can’t have and knowing it will never be the same.”she said sighing as she began to strum the first chord. I watched her sing every heartfelt word so obviously about Taylor. As she left the stage Taylor began to play again- every single song on Underneath apart from about two were written for her. And she knew that.

-- Caroline --

I feel like an idiot. I poured my heart out to hundreds of fans and to the one person the song was about. How stupid could I get? I sat down on the sand watching the waves crash down in front of me behind the hotel. I bet it didn’t even faze him. If I knew Taylor he most likely wasn’t even listening to any of it. Maybe I just needed to move on. He was never going to be able to be with me anyways. He had introduced me like some stupid opening act tonight, not like someone he loved.

“Hey.”Zac said walking up behind me. He scared the shit out of me as he took a seat next to me.

“Nice pants.”I said looking at his plaid pajama pants. He smiled and looked over at me.

“I thought they were hot.”he said making me laugh slightly.

“What are you doing out here? It’s nearly one.”he said looking at his watch.

“Just thinking.”I said messing with a pile of sand next to me. He pushed the sand back in the hole I had dug and I looked up at him and rolled my eyes. “Jerk.”

“Still wanna go home?”he asked putting his hands in his lap as he pulled his knees to his chest.

“I don’t know I mean yea…but no.”I said kind of laughing at how stupid it sounded.

“Okay?”he said in a smartass tone.

“I mean I want to stay because of you and your family, but I don’t know if I can stay with Taylor and that bitch.”I said and he smiled at my bitterness towards her.

“Come onnnnnnnnnn stay.”he whined putting his head on my shoulder while looking up at me.

“Why do you want me to stay so bad weirdo?”I asked him again.

“It gets lonely out here.”he said and put his hand on the side of my face. I was really taken back by this, but I let it continue. “You know I’ve liked you almost as long as Taylor.”he said rubbing his thumb across my cheek. I was stunned.

“That would have made you like five.”I said and he smiled. He stared at me and then after a second pressed his lips to mine. I didn’t pull away until I heard the footsteps behind us.

“What the FUCK?!”I heard Taylor’s voice from behind us and I pulled away from Zac.

-- Taylor --

Okay the LAST thing in the world I would have expected would be her and Zac…Ike maybe, but Zac? Really? He’s just so….he’s just Zac.

“Taylor its not…”Caroline said and then stopped because there was nothing she could say.

“NO it is.”I said and turned from her to walk back to the hotel. I was done with this shit tonight. I would never be able to look at the two of them the same again.

“TAYLOR STOP!”she yelled and grabbed my arm as I made it to the stairs leading into the back of the hotel.

“WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”I yelled at her as I turned around throwing my hands into the air. I am so mad right now I can barely see straight.

“I didn’t…we didn’t…it just happened I don’t know Tay.”she said and I rolled my eyes and looked away from her. It literally hurt me to look at her.

“I can’t…I can’t even look at you right now.”I said clenching my jaw. I pulled my arm out of hers and went back into the hotel to confront my ten thousand other problems.

--Zac—

Okay so that’s not exactly how I had planned that. Hell I didn’t really even plan it, it just seemed right at the moment. I looked up as she turned back to me, fury was in her eyes.

“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT??!”she yelled trying to hold back her tears. I had fucked everything up for her and Taylor. I don’t care.

“You weren’t exactly stopping me.”wrong thing to say, but I said it anyways. It was the damn truth. She was at just as much fault as I was.

“ZAC! Are you serious? We would NEVER work!”she said and I was crushed a little. She shook her head and sighed.

“Why Caroline? Because of Taylor. He is getting married and having a kid, you guys would never work.”I said and she knew I was right.

“But that does not mean he should see me making out with you.”she said calming down. “Zac you’re his brother.”she said and for a second I felt kind of bad, but then I remembered how he treated her and it was all gone. I had horrible resentment for my brother and everything that happened between them. It was obvious she was heartbroken. I just wanted to make her feel better through all of this mess.

“I don’t care what he thinks. I just wanted you to know how I have always felt about you that’s all.”I said looking away from her. I felt her hand on my chest as she got closer to me.

“It’s not that I don’t like you Zac. I just don’t think its right.”she said giving me a side smile. I looked down at her hand then back up at her face and tried so hard not to get mad. I was frustrated with the whole thing.

“Whatever.”I said and brushed past her walking back to the hotel. I heard her yell for me to wait but I just kept on walking.

--Caroline—

So you would think I must feel like the luckiest girl in the world having two of the hottest brothers in the world fighting over me, but I don’t. I actually don’t think I have ever felt this horrible. Walking into the elevator I silently wished that it would fall to the bottom and I would never be found again. I was staying in a hotel room with Zac, Taylor, and Natalie so I thought it would be interesting to see how this all played out. As I walked out of the elevator I was surprised to see Taylor sitting up against the wall outside of our room. I pulled out my door key as I walked down the hall but stopped as I saw Natalie stick her head out the door to say something to him. He looked so freaking unhappy and she looked so…hmmm… controlling. She shut the door as I walked up closer to Taylor and he looked up at me. I could tell he was hurt. I put my hand on the door handle but dropped it as he started to speak.

“You could have anybody in the entire world…but you choose my brother why?”he knew exactly what to say to make me feel horrible. Time to defend yourself again.

“I didn’t choose anybody Taylor, he just kissed me that’s all.”I said shrugging. “Besides your getting married why do you even care?”I asked keeping my voice at a whisper so they would not hear us talking from inside.

“I didn’t choose to get married either…”he said looking away from me. He was right I thought as I slid down the wall to sit next to him.

“But you did choose to have sex with her.”I said and his eyes got pretty big. I guess he was surprised I had said that.

“Sometimes I wish I was back in Tulsa ya know? I wish none of this had ever happened..”he paused for a second and I knew he was envisioning it in his head. He pulled his knees up to his chest and sighed. “And it’s like when I think about it I know we’d be engaged if not married by now, sure we wouldn’t have as much money but at least we’d be happy.”he said and I was in awe. That was really sweet. I always thought I was crazy. I never knew he thought that way.

--TAYLOR—

She was looking at me like I had said something completely off the wall. I guess this was the first time I had been completely honest with her about the way I thought of us. I could see the water building up in her eyes and the last thing I wanted to do was make her cry again.

“It’s weird how one wrong thing can rearrange your whole life huh?”she said laying her head on my shoulder. I missed the way her hair smelled. It was familiar. It made me feel at home.

“I’m sorry. I feel so helpless like there is nothing I can do now. I’m just stuck.”I said and she looked up at me so that our noses touched. I knew Nat was in the other room, but I pressed my lips to hers anyways. I could feel her face scrunch up, she was trying not to cry, as I put my hand on the side of her face. This was the best I had felt in a long time kissing her.

“Why are you doing this to me?”she asked pulling away from me as the reality set in as to what we were doing. I didn’t have an answer. “I can’t do this Taylor. I can’t.”she said and stood up. I grabbed her hand to keep her from leaving me out here.

“I didn’t…”I said but couldn’t form the words to make any of this better.

“Don’t.”she said holding up her hand to stop me as she shut her eyes. “Just don’t, there is nothing you can say to make any of this better so just shut up.”She was getting mad and upset.

“Be quiet they are going to here you.”I said holding my finger up to my mouth so she would shut the hell up. This hotel was deathly quiet. I knew they would hear her.

“NO! Maybe she should hear it! If you are so God damn unhappy Taylor then tell her, instead of pulling me around in circles! It’s not fair to me. There is nothing we can do now, so just forget about it! Live with it!”she yelled and pushed the door open to the hotel room and walked in and slammed the door in my face as I stood up. Not exactly what I expected her reaction to be, but she was right. I was somewhat leading her on, if that made any sense at all. I had to be with Natalie no matter what now.

--ZAC—

The yelling between them had stopped as light flooded the room and Caroline stormed in letting the door slam behind her. She looked furious. Natalie was already asleep and I had just turned the TV off. She walked into the bathroom and returned a few minutes later with her pajamas on. I closed my eyes to pretend I was asleep as she walked over to the bed we were sharing, which had not seemed so uncomfortable until now. I wished there was a river between us. She pulled the covers back on her side and breathed out hard as she layed back beside me. She layed there for a few minutes and then I felt her elbow in my side.

“Are you awake?”she whispered.

“Yea.”I whispered back.

“I’m sorry.”she said sniffling and I could tell she was crying. She was trying to hide it so well. “I’m sorry I reacted that way.” I felt her hand slide into mine. I didn’t know what she meant by doing that, but I didn’t care.

“I don’t know what to say.”I said laying on my back turning only my head to look at her.
“Don’t say anything.”she said looking at me. “Just tell me it’ll be okay.” Poor girl. She was a wreck. She was trying so hard to smile.

“It’s gonna be okay.”I said and smiled back at her. I brushed my hand across her cheek as she closed her eyes and the door opened. Taylor walked back in and I felt her hand slide out of mine. She sighed and rolled over on her side away from me. I didn’t hear a word from her the rest of the night.