Long after Nick and Brian left me, I had nowhere else to turn. I hardly have any money to get me by, or anything. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have no best friend. When I told Chris and Kevin that I was seeing Brian and Nick at the same time, she was royally pissed. Since then, we haven’t spoken to each other.

I tried calling her, but… "Why the hell are you calling me? I want nothing to do with you…AT ALL!" after that chastisement, she slammed the phone down. The last thing I heard from her end was a goddamn dial tone.

I never knew what it was like to be alone. Now, that I can feel it, being alone feels so cold. It’s like my heart, my soul, and my blood has been frozen, and nothing can thaw them out. It just doesn’t feel right to me at all, and I don’t want to feel this way anymore. What I say are just little, ordinary words that don’t help much.

So here I am, lying on my hotel bed, looking at the night stand. To the left of me, is mine and Brian’s wedding picture, and to the right of me, a picture of Nick and me sitting by the pool. I wish I hadn’t done what I did. If I hadn’t, none of this would have happened. I wouldn’t be in this hotel room by myself, and I wouldn’t feel like shit now.

I just wished things had gone better, that I had told the truth. Then maybe one of the men I love would still be with me. But no...I kept it hush hush; worst thing I've ever done. And because of my actions, I lost my daughter, the one thing that keeps me going, no wait what KEPT me going.

And my money situation is no better. Brian had been nice enough to give me money to get me by till I get a job and my own place. But so far nothing. Nobody wants to help me, not the men I love, or my best friend. What does a girl have to live for? I sighed still looking at the pictures remembering vividly the day the pictures were taken. I need something, something to take my mind off of things. I've looked for jobs but nobody would hire me.

I'm stuck. I'm in limbo. Call it whatever you'd like. Nothing is gonna change the fact, that I hurt the two most important people in the world. If Mother Littrell hadn't listened in to my conversation, I wouldn't be here. I grab a pillow, and hold it to my chest, softly crying. As of right now, I have nothing left.

It was the next day, and I decided to go out. I've been cooped up in that damned hotel for God knows how long. I needed to stretch my legs. It was a beautiful day, and I guess everything seemed fine. Until that moment when I saw Nick, walking with Melanie...with another woman. I couldn't believe him! But I did deserve it after all. Nick saw me, and turned right back around, as if I was invisible. I wanted to shout his name, but I knew that if I did, it would cause trouble.

After that lonely walk, I went back to my hotel room. I only had the room for at least 4 more hours, so I have to make this last. A few minutes later, I get a phone call.

"Hello?"

"Deanna, we need to talk." I knew that southern drawl anywhere...It was Brian, my ex-husband.

"Brian...I thought I would never talk to you again..."

"Meet me at the Java Hut at 8PM."

After that, he hung up. Maybe that was a sign of hope. Maybe he's taking me back.

It was 8, and I was at the Java Hut, waiting patiently for Brian. Suddenly, I saw him walk in, wearing nothing but black: black blazer, black dress pants, the works.

"Brian...hey..." He sat across from me, and folded his hands, looking at me.

"So...how long has it been?"

"A little over 2 months."

"I see..." He sat back in his chair. I leaned in forward to him.

"Brian, this has been hell for me. Please...take me back." I have never begged for anything in my life...and I mean never.

"No. You hurt me, Deanna. How is someone gonna recover from that? Huh? I never expected you to do that to me. I'm a great person to get along with, only to have the one person that I held close to my heart shit on me?"

"Is that why you invited me here? To tell me things that I already know I did? Is that why I'm here?"

"No, the real reason why you're here is that I was going to give you a second chance."

"I can't believe you! You drove me here in order to tell me that? Well, I---wait...what?" My eyes widened at what he said. "You're...you're taking me back?"

"Now, I didn't say all that. I don't believe in taking my childrens right in seeing their mother. Askin' me, "When's...when's Momma comin' home?"

"So, in other words, like I said...you're taking me back."

"I'm NOT takin' you back. I'm letting you move back in. I'm letting you see Chris and Gracie, but we are not getting back together. We'll acknowledge each other in name only. Understood?"

That just stabbed me right in the heart.

"So everything that we had, every fucking thing that we made together....you're throwing it away?"

"It's been thrown away ever since, Deanna."

He got up, and walked to the exit. He then turned back.

"I'll be damned if I ever fall in love with you again."

Then, he walked out. There was nothing I could do at that point. All I could do, was sit at that table, and cry.

'Well, there was a bright side to all of this: I'm able to see my kids again...'
I thought as I dried my tears.

But Brian made it perfectly clear that he wants nothing to do with me. I know I hurt him, but I still love him and Nick. But Nick had already moved on, figures. I got up from the table and walked outside. It was beautiful. I used to spend days like this with the men in my life and my kids, but not anymore. All I had to look forward to were visits and living with a man that didn't love me. God, this sucks. I started walking in the direction of Brian's house, couples walked past me holding hands. I missed that now more than ever...

As I made my way to Brian's house, I wasn't even sure if I could do this. Live with the man that used to be my husband, watch as he brought other women into my children's lives. I didnt know if I could take that. Only one way to find out; I walked up the pathway to the doorstep and rang the doorbell. I expected Brian to answer it. Instead a woman with blonde hair stood before me.

"Can I help you?"

"Is Brian here?"

"Depends on who's looking for him...what do you want?"

"Look lady, I don't have time to chit chat, I'm Brian's ex-wife and I'm here to see my kids."

"Oh..." she looked me up and down. "Whatever...Brian!" She never took her eyes off of me, I could tell that she already didn't like me, not that I cared...but secretly, I did.

I still loved him with everything in me, but I know that he doesn't love me anymore. I stayed put at the doorway, waiting for Brian to come down. When he did, he didn't look surprised to see me.

"Hi."

That was the only thing that he said to me. I hung my head down, holding my arm. Brian walked towards his girlfriend, and whispered something in her ear. I guess he told her to go in the kitchen, because that's what she did, after giving me a dirty look, as if I was a sinning child though in a way, I was. I walked in, and faced him.

"We need to talk."

"Fine. Where do you wanna cry?"

"Don't start Brian, ok?" Brian shrugged, and walked away towards the dining room.

"Chris, Grace Lynn, bedtime."

"Awww...but...but Daddy..." Chris said.

"It was gettin' good...Five more minutes?"

"No. bed. Now." Chris got up, and picked up Grace, who was sucking her thumb, as they headed upstairs.

'This is not going to be easy'
I thought watching my kids go upstairs.

I sat down, and Brian sat across from me, looking at me with those icy blue eyes. That gaze nearly burned a damn hole in my heart. I didn't like the feeling.

"What do you want?"

"Brian you said that I could come back here. Why the fuck do you have a blonde bimbo in this house?"

"I really don't think that it's any of your goddamn concern."

"None of my concern? I think it is when that woman is around my children. Look, do you want me here or not? This was your idea after all..."

We each sat down on the couch. It was there that he dropped another bombshell.

"Now I'm starting to have second thoughts about that." I look up at his face, in shock. Complete shock.

"What do you mean, 'second thoughts'? Those are MY children, too!"

"Yeah? But who has sole custody?"

"You promised..."

"Promises are meant to be broken..." he gets up, and stands in front of me.

"Just like how you broke my heart."

I stand up meeting his chest. I become angry in an instant. Not a weepy, after school special angry, but pissed beyond recognition. "How could you sit there in that restaurant last night and lie to me?!"

"How could you stand there and lie to me about Nick?!"

"I said I was sorry!" "It's not good enough! It's NEVER good enough!" he closes his eyes, stepping away from me.

"You know what? Why am I still wasting my time hollerin' and screamin' at you? Get out."

I simply stand there, holding my ground.

"Did you hear me?"

"Oh, I heard you loud and clear. That doesn't mean I'm doing it. You made a verbal agreement that I could see my children, and you do NOT have the right to take that from me. Now, you had better stay true to your damn word, because I am not going anywhere...I REFUSE to be lonely again..."

"You listen to me, Deanna Marie Jones...I---"

"And YOU listen to ME, Brian Thomas Littrell...I am not going ANYWHERE unless my children want me to. You cannot, and will not take away my right to see my kids! I gave birth...PAINFUL BIRTH to them, and I WILL raise them, whether you like it or not...do I make myself clear?"

Brian steps back again, holding his head down. In thinking that my harsh words sunk into his head, they didn't.

"Now, I suggest that you tell your...your whore to leave. I have a family to raise..." he laughs in disbelief.

"Diahanne has every right to be here...as you don't."

"Don't worry, Brian...I'm leaving..."

I see his beach blanket whore waltzing her ass into the living room with a suitcase.

"I thought you were done with her...I'm outta here..."

"No, Di, don't go...Deanna was just leaving, and--" I cross my arms, looking at him with a devious smile knowing that he's been defeated. Diahanne looks back at me, then at Brian.

"I had a feeling that moving in with you was a bad idea. Goodbye, Littrell..."

Upon walking to the door, he rushes over to her, begging her to stay. The door slams with her outside of it...then the car engine starting...then the skidding of the tires.

"DAMNIT!" his fist met the wall, followed by an angry Brian wincing. He places his hands upon the wall, his head hung low. Still with his face toward the ground, he says, "You're not gonna make this easy for me, are you?"

"Not by a long shot."

"Fine...FINE. You can stay...but remember--"

"Acknowledge one another in name only, I got it."

"Can you at least let me get a word in edgewise?"

"No. You don't deserve to say anything. And you know what? I'm too pissed off to deal with you. I'm going upstairs to see my children." And with that, I walk up the steps, and into their bedrooms.

If Brian wants me gone, I'm not going to leave without a fight. If it's drama he wants and craves, then it's drama he's going to get. Head on.

It’s been a whole week, and Brian and I haven’t said hardly a word to one another. It was a good thing, too, seeing as that I wanted to speak to my kids anyway. As I’m feeding my baby girl, I hear him coming down the steps all dressed up. I can feel his eyes on me, but I refuse to give him the benefit of knowing that.

"I’m going to a Christian charity event. I’ll be home late."

"Tell ‘Charity’ I said hi."

He lightly groans at the comment I made, but I didn’t care.

"It’s not a date, I’m serious."

"I don’t care, Brian, alright? Just go and have a good time."

"Momma...?" began Christopher. "Can...can me and Gracie go to the park tomorrow?"

"Of course, sweetie. And maybe afterward, we’ll go to Baskin Robbins for your favorite..."

He gasps happily, "TOOTIE FRUITIE ICE CREAM?!"

"Your one and only..."

"YAY!"

I smile at him as I take Grace Lynn out of her high chair. As I’m patting her little back, I can still feel Brian’s eyes on me and my kids.

He walked over towards the kitchen table to grab his car keys. Leaning in reaching for them, he whispers to me, "Don’t you dare try to win them over with ice cream and park swings. Just remember, I’m the sole provider for them now."

I just look at him, not listening to a word he said to me. I whisper back, "Just get the fuck out."

Angered by my preposition, he yanks the keys off the table, leaving out the house. "Well, it’s just you and me again tonight, guys..." Chris smiles jumping on the kitchen chair.

"Can...can we watch movies and eat pizza, Momma?"

I love it when he calls me that. As if I’m more than his mother.

"We sure can, sweetie."

"I missed you, Momma...you’re...you’re not gonna leave us again, are you?"

I get up from my seat, and hug him tightly.

"Never, Chris....Momma’s not leaving you again. I promise..."

Later that night, I’m fast asleep with Chris and Gracie in my arms. We had a lot of fun: watching "Pirates of the Carribean" on DVD, eating sausage and cheese pizza, and imitating the movie with my son as Jack Sparrow. It’s something that I truly missed, and it’s something I don’t want taken away from me again, and that’s seeing my children and seeing their innocent happiness. Brian may be the sole provider as he claims, but I put out the long hard hours of labor birthing them. No one, not even the Littrell basket case will stand in my way of spending time with them.

It was nearly 1am, and I finally make it home. I don’t know if I should even call it home anymore, since my ex is living there now. Now, I know that God says you should forgive, but I draw the line when it comes to ‘forgiving’ something this big. She became unfaithful to me. I’ve done nothing wrong, and I’m to forgive? I don’t think so. With those inane thoughts running around in my brain, I open the door, and walk into the living room sitting my suitcase down.

Instantly, I see Deanna and my kids sleeping on the couch in front of the snowy television set. I smile at the sight; I had no other choice but to do so. I sigh, walking into the kitchen to grab something to drink. From inside, I can hear Grace and Christopher yawning through their light slumber. Then, I hear her tell them to head on upstairs for bed. Deep down, I liked hearing that said to them by her rather than me. I say that everyday, but it’s just something about her voice, it’s soothing to a child’s ears. No, I shouldn’t even think those sweet thoughts about her.

She’s forever known to me as a traitor, nothing more. Getting out of my seat, I walk out into the living room; I see her still lying on the couch with her feet propped on the arm. She looks ahead at me for about a clean 5 seconds, then back at the TV, watching infomercials.

"So, they’re off to bed?" I ask while sitting in a recliner opposite from her.

"Yep..." she said to me, not making any eye contact. Good. I didn’t want her to.

"How was the benefit?"

"It was alright. Better than last year, I suppose. Why are you so interested in it all of a sudden?"

"Can’t a person ask you a question without being given a third degree?" she gets up from the couch, heading for the steps.

I stopped her from going up. Please, don’t ask me why. "I’m...I’m sorry about that...um...we need to talk..."

Her gaze, her blue hazel gaze burned through me, cold and unfeeling. I guess I deserved that. After all, what I said to her was wrong, and...

Am I weakening around her now?

"Brian, we have nothing to talk about as far as I’m concerned. I’m going to bed..."

I watch her walking up the steps, and watch her turn the corner disappearing from sight. I still care for her. For some unknown reason, and by some unknown force, my feelings for Deanna began flooding back to me at once. I don’t understand it! Why must she swim in my blood? Is she truly the one I want to be with for the rest of my life? Surely, she was 4 years ago, but...she cheated on me! I’m constantly forcing these feelings down my throat, purging away the old feelings for the one I called, ‘beloved’.

But every time I try, the feelings I once had for her, the warm, gushy feelings that I once dispensed from my body has never left. Why kid myself anymore? I have to tell her I still care for her, but am I ready to say ‘love’? 'This is drivin’ me up a fuckin’ wall...' I say to myself. I want to tell her tonight, but she doesn’t want anything to do with me this night. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow, while sleep is no longer clouding her mind.

The next day, I open my eyes, and I’m met with the suns harsh, but illuminating rays. I sit up and stretch, then head out of bed grabbing my robe. The first thing I smell was bacon frying and coffee brewing in the kitchen.

"Hmm...looks like after I’m heading to Denny’s again," I say to myself as I’m leaving the room, heading down the steps and into the kitchen. There, I see Grace Lynn in her high chair, Chris sitting down, and Brian making breakfast. I go into the fridge taking out a half empty carton of orange juice. I sit down and pour me a glass.

"I hope you’re hungry..." he says, knowing that he’s talking to the kids.

"Deanna? Are you hungry?" He wasn’t talking to the kids. He was talking to me...what is he getting at?

"Um...yeah, thanks..."

Brian, smiling, walks over to the table with a skillet full of brown crisp bacon with over easy eggs on the side. As he puts them both on my plate, he says,

"Here ye’ go." I look up at him, puzzled.

"You’re fixing me breakfast now? What gives?"

"I’m just trying to make a good gesture, is all. Toast?"

"Please."

He brings me two pieces of toast covered with butter and grape jam.

"My favorite..."

"I know it is...I hope you like it."

"I’m pretty sure I will..."

I take a bite of his eggs. Delicious. But I’m not telling him. I refuse to give him the benefit of the doubt. Why is he being so nice to me all of a sudden? Ever since I moved back over here, he’s never done anything like that for me. All he ever did was yell at me for doing something wrong. It’s like living with my overbearing parents again for the past month. After finishing breakfast, I get up, walking to the sink with my plate.

"No no...I got it..." I step back, being even more puzzled.

"Brian...?" He looks over at me, beaming; a shit eating grin plastered on his face.

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"No reason...I’m just having a good morning with my family, that’s all...is that so wrong?"

With his family? Including me? Ok. Something is DEFINITELY not right.

Did he get laid? Was the pussy THAT good?'
I rack my brain trying so desperately to figure out what his deal is. First, he fixes breakfast for me, and now, we’re at the park. Am I gonna die or something? I sit at a nearby bench, looking around for huge rocks. That’s how fortunate and non trusting I am of him.

"Forget it, Howard. Nothing is gonna change my mind about that whore."

"Brian, I know you. When you first met her, she was the one. Sure, your children has a half sister now, but I know that love for her is there within you."

"No, it’s NOT! Dorough...she LIED to me...you KNOW how I feel about liars!"

"I’m aware. But you’re masking the fact that you still want to be with that woman, despite her infidelity. Admit it."

"You’re obviously not listening to me, Howie...She cheated on me...Get that through your goddamn head!"

"And YOU’RE IN DENIAL! Face it, Brian, you STILL love Deanna more than anything on this planet! Stop lying to yourself, and take her back!"

Those thoughts of yesterday are still ringing in my ears, taking over my mind like usual. I sit at a bench across from her and the kids, watching them play in the sandbox. I look over at her, looking at rocks. I don’t know why she’s doing that, but hey. I’m gonna have to tell her tonight. I have to. I need to.

Thanks to my feelings and my Oprah bearing friend, Howie, my love for her has returned. Though I thought them dead, they were still laying dormant within my soul. I smile at her sitting over there, so peaceful, so unloved by me. Part of me wanted to pick her up and hold her, apologizing to her, but it’s too soon. I’ll do something like that tonight.

Absentmindedly, the words, 'I’m sorry.' escaped my lips. Deanna looks up at me.

"Did you say something?"

I shake my head negatively, looking down at the kids pretending to be Power Rangers. I mainly look at Grace Lynn, my baby girl. She looks remarkably like her mother. I never told Deanna that, since we divorced 3 months after she was born.

~*~*~*~*~

I lay on my back, looking up at the ceiling, my mind in deep thought. Maybe I should have let her explain. Maybe I shouldn’t have let her go. I trusted her and believed in her. When I found out that she was married to Brian, and had two kids with him, my world collapsed. The thought of her being with someone else ate away at me so badly, that I just couldn’t let that wither away and die. I thought yelling at her and telling her we’re through was it, and that I would spend the remainder of my days forgetting about her...but I was wrong. I can’t stop thinking about her. I mean, even when I’m with other women, I pretend that they’re her. I don’t want to pretend anymore.

I want my Deanna back, but...God, what is wrong with me? Why the fuck am I thinking like this? I’m done with that woman...I want the thoughts of her to leave me alone! I want the feelings that I have for her to stop cutting away at me, making me bleed! Just leave me alone! I don’t want to think about the time we stayed up all night, talking about little things. I don’t want to think about the time when she told me she was pregnant with Melanie...I don’t want to think about the time when I got down on one knee, and proposed marriage. And I surely don’t want to think about the time...when I told her I loved her...That’s it...I have to tell her. Tonight. No exceptions whatsoever.

~*~*~*~*~

After putting the kids to bed, I kiss them each on the forehead, and wish them goodnight. I walk out of their rooms and close the doors.

"Deanna! I need to talk to you! It’s important."

Great. What did I do this time? Leave the milk out? I didn’t wash the dishes right? I walk down the hall, and head downstairs. I’m smacked in the face with the heavenly scent of food either cooking or being prepared. When I walked into the kitchen, I was stunned.

Right there before me was Brian, dressed in a black suit, standing over the kitchen table filled with white lit candles, champagne chilling in the ice holster, two glasses, and slices of lasagna on each plate. I walk in slowly, my mouth down to the floor.

"Brian? What is all of this?" I see him walk up to me, holding the sides of my arms.

"Deanna...I need to talk to you. But first...would you like to have dinner with me?"

I slowly nod, still somewhat confused. I sit down across from him, and start to pick at my food. Brian noticed this.

"What are you doing?"

"Seeing if there’s any cyanide residue in this food..." He laughs at my remark.

"Trust me, I didn’t do anything slick. Just enjoy it."

I weakly smile, showing Brian that I’m somewhat pleased with his change of pace.

Throughout dinner, Brian kept looking over at me, smiling. I finally catch him in the act by looking up at his face.

"What’s the deal...?" I softly ask him. He shifts the plate away from his reach, placing the napkin on the empty plate.

"Alright..." he began. "There is a reason why I did all of this. Deanna, there’s been something that I wanted to tell you since last night, but I figured you didn’t want anything to do with me, so I waited until tonight."

I lean forward, waiting for what he wanted to say. "Well, since you’re on your best behavior, I’m all ears. What is it that you wanted to tell me?"

He took a deep breath, and folded his hands. "Deanna, I–"

Before he could get anything out, the doorbell rings.

"Shit..." I heard him say sharply under his breath. Before Brian could get up, I put my hand on his shoulder and tell him that I’ll get the door. I walk into the living room, and open the door.

"Hello, may I hel–" to my instant surprise, I see someone that I thought I would never see again: Nick. There he stood holding a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers. I look over at him, wondering why he’s here.

"Um...can I come in?"

"Why? What do you want, Nickolas?"

"I’m here to–I wanted to–can I just come in?"

"I’m not letting you in this house until you tell me."

From a distance, I hear Brian say, "Who is that, Deanna?" He walks in, and stops stone cold in the middle of the living room.

"What in the HELL are you doing here?"

"I came to see Deanna...what the hell are YOU doing here?"

"I live here."

"Oh. But that’s the reason why I came over...can I please talk to you? It’s important..."

I look over at Brian, then to Nick, and sigh.

"Fine."

"But, De–"

"I’ll only be a minute. Whatever you have to tell me, tell me later, ok? I’ll be back..."

Brian surrendered, and walked backwards from us. Nick led me outside and closed the door.

"Well, I’m here now. What did you want to tell me?"

Nick walked closer to me, and held my hands.

"Deanna...words can’t express how I feel for you right now...I’ve tried so hard to get rid of these feelings I had for you before...but I’m a fool. I still care for you...I still love you."

I just stand there, looking up at him in disbelief. "Nick...you kicked me out of your apartment. You hung me out to dry. Now, you’re having a change of heart?"

"I was a fool to let you go...I should have saw past the fact that you were with someon–"

"Forget it."

"And that...what?"

"I said, forget it, Nick. I apologized to you...on NUMEROUS occasions, and you just kicked me out...knowing I had no other place to go! And now, you’re standing here with your damn flowers and chocolates, thinking that everything will be alright between us?!"

He hung his head down, biting his lower lip. "I was hoping."

"Get out. Just leave me alone. I’ve had enough with you and Brian talking shit about me...I don’t need more of it..." "But it’ll be different now.."

"HOW will it be different, Carter?! Huh? What, you want me to come and live with you again, and you berate me in front of my daughter?"

"No..."

"Then what is it?"

"I...I can’t live without you...You’re everything to me..."

I walk up to him, looking him deep in his eyes.

"Why are you doing this? You know damn well that I don’t need this...for God’s sake, I had enough from Brian, and I definitely don’t need this shit from you."

Nick holds his head down again, letting what I said to him sink in.

"You’re right...you’re absolutely right about that. But just remember one thing: I was the best that you had, am I not?"

"What is with you? YOU dumped me, and you’re telling me that you’re the best that I ever had? Are you THAT thick in the head?!"

After that verbal blasting, Brian opens the door, stepping out.

"Alright, what the hell is going on now?"

"Nothing that should concern you, Littrell."

"Nothing that should concern me? Need I remind you that you’re in my goddamn house, and you don’t have the right to disrespect me..."

"Yet, you disrespected me...you stole my fiancee from me...you planted your seed, and gave her two children...and I’m disrespecting you?!"

"Please stop..." I say softly , but they still continued to argue.

"I thought you were the one person that I would ever call, "friend", and you stabbed me in the back!"

"I stabbed you in the back, Carter? ME?! I should say the same to you! She was my damn wife, and you sashayed your big ass into the fuckin’ picture! Now, if you will excuse me, Deanna and I need to talk..."

"Over my dead body. She’s coming with me so we can talk."

Deep within me, I started getting royally pissed at these two men whom I called my lovers arguing like schoolchildren on a playground.

Truthfully, I wanted them back in my life, well, at least one of them. I don’t understand it. We can’t simply have a normal table conversation without yelling and screaming? Ever since I moved back in with Brian, I’ve been yelled at, and I really can’t take that shit anymore.

"I SAID GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! NOW!" said Brian in a fierce growl.

"I’m NOT going anywhere without her!"

"STOP IT!!!"

They both stopped the childish bickering, and turned around. Their eyes began to burn through me.

"Please....just stop fighting...Have....have you two forgotten...that BOTH of you dumped me? Now, all of a sudden, you all want me back?! I don’t need this, I REALLY don’t need this!!" I shrieked, my voice echoed throughout the whole neighborhood.

I didn’t care if anyone else heard me, nor the whole world for that matter.

"Both of you kicked me to the curb without letting me explain...both of you hung me out to dry with nothing to support me at all! I couldn’t get a fucking job, I was emotionally unstable! I said I was sorry to the both of you, but you did not listen! You shut my ass out! And now, all of a fuckin’ sudden, you two want me back?! Start everything fresh like nothing happened?! FORGET IT!"

Brian and Nick just stood there, dumbfounded, not knowing what to say.

"So....what I’m going to do...is pack my things, and find another place to stay...even if it is at the curb, it’s much better than having to deal with you two..."

"But, Deanna—" Brian placed his hand on his shoulder.

"No...don’t try to change her mind....let her go..."

Nick watches me walk back outside to meet them. In my hands are two satchels with my personal belongings.

"I’ll come back to get the rest of my things."

"Where are you gonna go, Deanna?" Nick asked with a hint of worry sewn in his voice.

"Probably to my parents house...though I may get a third degree from them...at least they still really love me...and doesn’t need a trophy lover at their side."

"Deanna, that’s not tru–"

"I’m done...Brian, Ok? I don’t want anymore of this. I’m not going to say sorry, because you two never did..."

And with that, I turn away from them, and walk down the porch steps and walk down the sidewalk. I never turned back after I left. I never even gave ‘returning home’ a second thought.

So now, here I am at another place, alone. My parents were generous enough to issue me an apartment not two far from the place I once called ‘home.’ I also was given a job at Starbucks. It’s a nice paying job; it keeps me occupied, which is alright with me.

A lot has changed outside my small abode: Melanie’s now in the first grade doing exceedingly well, Chris made the "Little Tyke" Football Team; I’m so proud of him. Grace Lynn is learning her ABC’s and 123's, and she’s even talking. Brian called me and told me the progress of my little girl. I couldn’t be more happier for them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to spend the rest of my life caring and nurturing my family. It’s just that I need time for me right now. I need to clear my mind, and start planning for me: what I need, what else I need out of life.

Chrissie is now talking to me. Finally, my gossiping ally is back in my life again after 5 years of getting the cold shoulder. She’s told me a lot of things: her and Kevin’s first child is walking and talking; she’s a precious little thing. They’re also planning to have more than one child, which is wonderful. Everyone’s happy....

Everyone but me.

Why do I still feel this way? Is it because I still want to be with them, despite the constant shit that they put me through? That can’t be it. I know it’s not it. Maybe it’s because...despite everything: seeing my children, ‘talking’ with my ex’s...I’m still alone. The feeling never left all those years ago after they didn’t want anything to do with me.

When will the feeling go away? When will I find someone who will love me and my children equally? When will I stop asking these questions which I know may never be answered? Maybe...I was meant to live alone...maybe I shouldn’t let things get to me, and try to move on from everything. After all, this was my doing. This is my fault...

This was my aftermath.