“Measure Of A Man”
Written by Sara (goneplatinum@live.com)
Copyright ” 2008
-------
“Dude, you are so never gonna get married.”

“What? W-why would you say that?” he asked defensively, his eyebrows knitted in confusion.

“Cause you are one of the most relationship-phobic people I’ve met in my life.” AJ chuckled as he sat back against the plush couch.

“And if that isn’t the pot calling the kettle black.” Brian laughed. He handed over a cold Coke to Nick and sat down next to AJ. “Just how many girlfriends have you gone through in the past… I don’t know, five years?”

“Rok, shut your hole, man,” AJ snapped, readjusting the knit cap that kept sliding back on his semi-bald head.  He had a hard time taking the criticism, but could dish it out with no problem. Sarcasm was often his quickest form of retaliation.

“You are so four.” Brian shook his head, taking a sip of soda.

“I’m really failing to see your point here, but since I love you, I’ll let it slide. But just this once.” AJ grinned, flipping the edge of his glasses at his band mate. Brian rolled his eyes. He had to laugh.

“So, back to this whole not getting married thing… how do you know that she’s not ‘the one’?” Nick asked, gesturing towards the kitchen where his girlfriend of three years was busy avoiding the collective madness.

“Oh come on, dude. I’m just messing with you. It’s too easy,” AJ said, slapping Nick squarely on the back, “You and Jilly are the perfect couple, which frankly the thought makes me oh-so queasy.”  He proceeded to puff out his cheeks, but the gesture soon turned into a snort when Nick threw him a dirty look.

The front door suddenly opened and a brown head appeared. “Hey, what’d I miss?” Howie asked.

“Believe me, you do not want to know.”
--------

He let out a low groan, collapsing in to the driver’s seat of his white Cadillac Escalade. Nick had spent the last few hours under the mercy of their new tour director, who had acted more like a drill sergeant, and now every muscle in his body screamed bloody murder.

Taking a right out of the parking lot, Nick let the sweet scent of the late summer sky fill his nostrils. It was the one consolation of working inside all day.  With a sigh, he fumbled with the knob on the radio, and soon the sound of Steve Perry and Journey poured out of the sound system.

Suddenly his cell phone lit up. Nick turned the volume down for a moment, his eyes glancing down to the display. A smile played at the corners of his lips as he brought the phone up to his ear.

“Hey baby, what’cha up to?”

“Just leaving work. How did rehearsal go?” Jill asked.

“Man, it was brutal. Thank god it’s almost over though. Say, do you wanna grab a pizza on the way home? I could really go for a deep dish with extra cheese.”

She laughed. “Sure, I can do that. Got to be better than eating dry cereal for dinner again. Although if someone would go grocery shopping once in a while…”

“Hey, I do my share around the house, thank you very much,” Nick said, signaling to move into the fast lane.

There was silence, and for a moment Nick thought the call had dropped, when he heard her sigh. “Do you really want to go there, Nick?”

“What? I clean up after myself,” he said in defense. Sometimes, he thought with a shrug.

“I’m not your mother—“

“Thank god for small miracles,” he interjected with a laugh.

Jill scoffed loudly. “Are you in a bad mood or something?”

“No. Well, not really. I’m just… never mind.”

“No, come on. Tell me what’s going on. You’ve been so distant lately. It’s like you’re on a different planet.”

Jill sighed again. “I really don’t want to get in to this now.”

“Get into what? Baby, you need to tell me what the hell- -“

She abruptly cut him off, “Nick, no. Not now!”

Nick felt his pulse quicken. His hand tightened around the phone. “Well, when then?” he snarled, obviously annoyed.

“I’ll see you when I get home,” she said simply, and he heard a click as the dial tone droned on in his ear.

“Bitch.” He threw the silver phone down on to the passenger seat, the pure exhaustion he felt before now had been replaced with sheer anger. Stomping his foot down on the gas, the car enveloped deep in to rush hour traffic.

"Measure of A Man"
written by Sara (goneplatinum@live.com)
Two-Thousand and Eight
--

“What the fuck? What the fuck?!”

Nick let the kitchen door slam shut behind him. He tossed his keys on the counter, his mind still reeling from the random conversation that had taken place not even twenty minutes before.

“Nick! What the fuck is this?” Jill all but screamed.

“What the fuck is what?” Nick shouted back, furthering into the house. They met with matching scowls.

Jill thrust the cordless phone in his hands. “You have a message.”

“The hell is wrong with you?” Hoping for a more reasonable explanation, Nick punched in the security code and listened as the automated voice came through. “So? It’s just some girl.” And without hearing the entire thing, he hit the ‘off’ button and tossed the phone out of reach.

“Some girl? Some girl? Why the fuck is some girl leaving a message on our phone?” Jill shrieked, her voice going up an octave with each spoken word. She waved her hands around in frustration. “I don’t understand this! How did she get our number? Why is she calling you?”

“Jilly, baby, please. Calm down. I-it’s not what you think.” In spite of himself, a small laugh escaped his lips.

“Oh really? So tell me then, what is it? I mean if it’s not what I think, surely there must be a good reason. Come on, Nick, I want to hear.”

He shook his head, scratching the back of his neck as he glanced into her piercing blue eyes. “I-I must have met her on tour or something. How’d she get my number? I don’t know… the internet gives you all the information you fucking need.”

“Seriously? You seriously met this girl on tour? Yeah, I’m about to believe that one.” Jill began pacing back and forth between the living room and kitchen, all the while wringing her hands and mumbling under her breath.

Nick scoffed. “Whatever. Believe what you want.”

“Nick, grow the fuck up already.  This is the real world. You have real responsibilities. You have…” She trailed off as a sob became lodged in her throat, tears threatening to fall. Nick took a step in her direction, but she shook her head and pushed him away.

“Jilly, come on… you can’t honestly think that… come on, you know I love you.”

“Do I? Do I know that? Sometimes I’m not so sure.” Tears cascaded down her porcelain cheeks. She hastily wiped at her eyes as her head began to pound with such force she thought it would implode.  “I can’t do this anymore,” she managed to say, her voice almost a whisper.

“Fuck…” Nick gripped his hands together, his knuckles turning white. “Fine. Those girls? They mean nothing to me. Nothing, okay?” He wanted to punch something or someone and punch it hard. “You are the one I come home to. Not them, you. And that… shit, that means a lot.”

“I can’t keep competing with them,” Jill said, her voice wavering.  She slumped down in the overstuffed recliner. “And you know what? I shouldn’t have to feel like I am.”

“But baby, you’re not.”

“I-I want to believe you. You’ve never lied to me before… “

“Right, so why the hell would I start now?” He crouched down in front of her and ran his thumb down the side of her face. “Jilly, baby, look.  I love you, okay? I love you. So please, don’t worry about anyone else who may or has come along, because you’re the only one who matters.”

A shrill ringing interrupted the moment. Nick cursed and stood to retrieve the phone. “Hello? Oh, uh, hey... No, it’s fine…” He glanced back at Jill and gave a small smile. “Huh? I’m good. Yeah, okay. Yeah, bye.”

“Let me guess…” Jill wiped her hands down the front of her pants and rose to her feet, her quasi-good mood thrown away. “Another slut--oops, I mean girl?” Nick met her gaze and immediately drew his eyes down to the floor, biting his lip as he tried to find some way out. “I knew it.”

“Jilly, it’s not what you…”

She cut him off with a swipe of her hand. “How the hell can you tell me that when I saw it with my own two eyes? I was right here, Nick.  I should’ve known. You’ll never change.” With that said Jill walked briskly over to the front closet, threw it open and pulled out her suit jacket and purse. Her head continued to pound in her ears, but right then the emotional pain trumped the physical.

“Jilly, where are you… what the fuck? So that’s it, you’re just gonna leave?”

Jill sighed and tossed her hands up in frustration. “What other choice do I have?  The trust I thought we had is out the window at this point. I can’t put my trust and confidence in someone who picks up random numbers and women on the fucking street and then blatantly lies to my face trying to cover it up.”

“This has all been totally misconstrued. I-I won’t answer the phone anymore, okay? I won’t. Just please, baby…. Please don’t go.”

Jill rolled her eyes and let out a short snicker. “Nick, come on, that may just be the stupidest thing you’ve ever said.”

“Stop talking to me like I’m a little kid!” Nick shouted, clenching his hands down on the hem of his shirt.

“Then stop acting like an asshole,” Jill said, her lips pursed into a straight line.

Nick drew back, the words hitting him like a gunshot at point blank. Stunned into silence for a few seconds, Nick opened his mouth but nothing came.

“Get out,” he finally managed to say at almost a whisper.

Jill opened the front door; she gave a quick look back at his ashen appearance. Taking a mental inventory of the face that she had loved--and thought had loved her in return--for three years, and slammed the heavy oak door shut.

With a thud, Nick collapsed down on to the recliner, his mind numb and void of all comprehension.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand & Eight

---3---
Not knowing what she was doing or where she was going to go, Jill simply thrust the gear back into reverse and slowly let her foot off the brake. Her red metallic mini Cooper sped down the residential street with the radio at top volume. She had to have something other than her own thoughts swimming through her head.

“God I can’t believe how stupid I was to let him make me think…” She shook her head, throwing tears right and left, as the last half hour sunk in. “I gave him three years--three fucking years of my life. And then he just throws it away.”

A shrill beeping interrupted her string of thoughts for the moment. Jill grabbed the pink phone and cast a quick glance at who was calling.

“Hey AJ,” she sighed, making a sharp left turn out of the gated community.

“Yo Jilly babe. What’s going on?”

“Uh, this really isn’t a good time,” Jill said as she maneuvered onto the congested highway. “I-I’m not in the best of moods.”

“Uh oh, what happened? Did they cancel ‘Grey’s Anatomy’?” he asked with a chuckle.

“If it were that simple, I would be in a much better place right now.” She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes again. “Nick and I had a fight.”

“Ack. Um, do you want to talk about it?” AJ fidgeted in his seat. He wasn’t that keen on ‘girl speak’, and was even less keen on relationship talk.

“No, not really,” she said, her voice choked with sobs. She flipped a switch and soon AJ’s voice filled the small space. Jill snapped her cell phone shut and threw it into the backseat.

“Where are you going?” was all AJ could think of to say.

Jill shrugged. “Does it matter?”

“Jilly, of course it matters. You matter, and don’t you forget it.”

Out of nowhere, a shiny black crotch rocket zoomed by, making her little car shake in reverberation. Jill sucked in her breath, her eyes wide as they fixated on the view before her.  A small Ford pickup was driving erratically, weaving in and out of each lane. She could hear the horns of the other irate drivers as well as the choice words they shouted out the open windows. But all Jill could focus on were the two circles of yellow light.

The truck was going the wrong way, and heading straight for her.

Her hands shook as they had never before, a sense of fear overtook her mind if only for a moment. All she could think of was somehow stopping or getting out of the car.

“Holy shit, oh please no.” she whispered, silently hoping the truck would somehow go a different way.

“Jilly? Babe, please, talk to me,” AJ said, a sense of urgency in his husky voice.

She gasped and clenched the steering wheel tightly, violently turning it all the way to the left. Her heart pounded with such force she felt as if it might explode out of her chest.

“Jill? What in the fuck is going on?” AJ shouted into the phone.

“Oh… oh god. I’m going to crash,” she said in realization as the scene she hoped she would never have to see in her life quickly began to unfold.

“Ha… Haha, very funny. No really, what’s going on?” AJ’s voice faded as the connection was suddenly cut.

Fragments of metal and tiny shards of glass flew in every direction as the pickup slammed head-on into the Cooper, causing the crumpled automobile to skid sideways into the stone median. Acting more like a ping pong ball, the small vehicle bounced off the median and began to cross the highway at a high rate of speed.

She could hear the sound of rubber skidding against the hot pavement and brakes squealing from all sides. Jill’s eyes became wide as saucers when the green grass of the drainage ditch came into view.

The tires hit a ridge of dirt on the shoulder and immediately, the car flipped up onto its side. Dark, thick gray smoke billowed out of the now mangled hood of the Cooper and up into the already smog-filled air. Jill felt a rush of air escape from her mouth as the world suddenly faded to black.

-----

“Well, here’s to you, Nicky boy, for being a first-class jackhole,” Nick said, raising the amber bottle to eye level. He nodded at the bottle, and then took a long, hard swig of the cold liquid. “Ahhh.” It slid down his throat like butter.

Nick sat back and let out a sigh, taking in the now empty house. It had once been filled with laughter and the scent of lavender from Jill’s favorite shampoo.

Jill… no, he wasn’t gonna go there. What’s done is done. They both had had their say in the matter, and now… she was gone. And it was fine. Really, it was.

“I need some music,” Nick decided, abandoning his friend Mr. Jack Daniels for the moment. He stumbled over to the large entertainment center, letting out a random hiccup. He sniggered as his fingers fumbled over the many buttons, and soon the room was rocking out to the sounds of the latest by Nickelback.

The song was good, and a sober Nick knew that, but the constant pounding of drums and the guitar that seemed to get louder and louder with each verse was making the liquor go to his head even quicker than usual.

“Oh ughh,” he lamented, scratching his head as it too began to thump in sync with the harsh beat.

Somehow his legs got tangled over each other, and Nick fell to the floor with a loud thud. He let out a groan and managed to roll over on his back. He heaved, squinting at the thought as his stomach began to make strange gurgling noises.

“Oh shit. Please no,” he begged as the vile substance charged up his throat. He choked it back, willing anything else at this point to happen, as the beige carpeted floor suddenly took on a sickly greenish-brown hue.

Nick groaned again, wiping at his face and down the front of his sweatshirt that was now encased with his own vomit. With some will pulled out of somewhere, he managed to rip off the shirt and throw it as far out of view as possible.

He let out a low groan and glanced up at the ceiling as the lights from outside cast shadows and danced, swirling about, shooting off vivid designs in his head. The room was eerily silent and still, despite the fact that the lingering song lyrics still trailed through the depths of his conscience.

‘Someone to love with my life in their hands. There`s gotta be somebody for me like that.’

A single tear escaped down his cheek, which he forcefully wiped away as the anger and sorrow that tugged at his heart came to a head. His broad shoulders shook as the tears flowed like rain, soaking the carpet once over.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand & Eight

---4---

Easing down on the gas, AJ broke any and all residential speed laws as he cruised through the gated community Nick called home. After punching in the code at the gate at the base of the driveway, he revved the engine and eased the black Range Rover back into park.

“Stupid shit,” he mumbled under his breath as he took the steps up to the sprawling mansion two at a time. “Hey, Carter. Open up the door, man!” AJ slammed his fist against the heavy wooden door, and his request was met by crickets chirping. Thinking on his feet, AJ thought maybe… just maybe… and reached to turn the knob to the right. The door popped open.

“Yo, Kaos.” AJ’s voice traveled through the empty house, creating an echoing effect.

A single light shone out from the kitchen, and then a waft of… something came at him in waves, one after another. AJ thought he had stepped into a morgue. Or worse. He covered his nose and let out a groan of disgust as the rank odor penetrated his nostrils.

“Holy shit, what the hell died in here?” He stepped further into the house, turning on a lamp as he went. “Nicky, where you at?”

A million thoughts, most of them not good, ran through AJ’s head as he turned into the living room and stopped dead in his tracks. “Jesus.”

He was immediately thrown back over seven years, the last time he had taken a binge on drugs and alcohol. Sprawled out on the floor of an unknown house, with scattered bottles of all shapes and sizes lying every which way.

AJ promised himself that would be the end of the abuse, the end of what he put himself and his family and friends through. He still harbored some animosity and pent-up anger that he would probably always have in some regard, but now to see his friend… his brother in the same mess, it tore at the deepest strings of his heart.

“Yo. Yo man, you gotta get up,” AJ said as he maneuvered around the drenched portions of carpet. He kneeled down to Nick’s level and gently shook his shoulder. “Nicky, come on. Don’t do this. You… you gotta get up.”

Nick let out a soft moan as he slowly began to come around. He mussed up his already disheveled hair and looked around at his surroundings. He could faintly see a figure. The glaring light caused an aura around AJ’s face as he came closer.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” were the first words out of AJ’s mouth as he stood next to Nick’s crumpled body.

“Oh come on, man. I only had a few… sips,” Nick said as he looked down to see his bare chest. Where were his clothes? Why was he on the floor? What was… that smell? “Did someone let a giant fart rip or something?” he mumbled, chuckling as he lay his head back down.

“That would be the contents of your stomach, genius.”

Red and blue lights swarmed around outside the estate, causing AJ to look up with a start. Three police cars entered through the gate and let a screech as they came to an abrupt halt. A fleet of police officers emerged from the cruisers, and AJ glanced down at Nick who was once again out cold.

“Christ.” he whispered, adjusting his hat as he thought what to do next. Answer the door? Toss Nick’s sorry ass in the pool? Well, that would mean AJ somehow had to get Nick’s rather large body off the floor and out the door into the pool, a feat he himself was not all that eager on trying to attempt. “Hey Nicky. Nicky Boy, time to get up. Hey Nick, get your ass off the damn floor!” he all but hollered.

“Jesus Christ, what the hell?” Nick said, sitting up, his sobriety instantly attained. Somewhat anyways. His eyes flickered to the scene that was quickly unfolding on his front lawn. “Did I kill someone?” he asked, more as a joke than anything.

AJ was not amused. He grabbed Nick’s arm and forced him upright. “What went down between you and Jilly this afternoon?”

“Oh. Oh come on, you didn’t really come over here to ask me a fucking dumb question like that, did you?” Nick said, thoroughly disgusted. He swatted at AJ’s hand and stumbled back over to the hallway leading to the bedroom.

“Where do you think you’re going, asshole?” AJ motioned to the chaos outside. “Me thinks they’re here for you, not me.”

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand and Eight

---5---
Nick threw his gaze to the police officers who were now about to beat down his front door. His eyes wide as saucers, he unsteadily walked over to the foyer and opened the door.

“Is this the home of a Nickolas Gene Carter?” the officer read off the yellow three-hole punched report. Nick gulped and managed a nod in his direction. “And I presume that you are Mr. Carter?” Nick nodded once again, his mind reeling with what this all could be about. “Well sir, I’m sorry to have to be the bearer of bad news, but earlier this evening Miss Jillian Walsh was involved in a traffic accident. A bad accident, at that.”

“Fuck.” Nick whispered, wiping the beads of sweat off his face. “Well, that’s it. Right?” He looked at the officer knowingly, then back at AJ.

“I beg your pardon, sir?” the officer questioned, obviously confused.

Nick let out a snicker. “That means she’s dead, right?”

AJ smacked him upside the head. “Dumbass, he didn’t say that.”

“Y-you didn’t? He didn’t.” Nick’s mind was so full of emotion and lingering booze, he was having a hard time comprehending much of anything. “So s-she’s no--”

“No sir, although she is in critical condition. And being as you are named as her next of kin, I’ll need you to come with me.” He motioned towards the police cruiser.

Nick took a step back and held his hands up. “Look, I’m in no shape to--”

“I’ll take him, officer.” AJ interjected. Nick threw him a confused look, to which he simply nodded and took the piece of paper from the officer’s outstretched hand. “Where are we going, exactly?”

“Uh, UCLA Medical Center. The emergency room, I believe,” the officer said with a nod. “I’m very sorry for your misfortune.”

“Huh? Oh… thanks.” was all Nick could muster.

“You owe me for this. Big time,” AJ said after he had shut the door.

“Aje, what if Jilly’s not alright? I mean… the last thing I said to her was ‘get out’. I can’t have that shit on my conscience for the rest of my life.” Nick slumped against the wall and slid down to the floor. He ran a hand through his hair and let out a deep sigh, “I-I don’t know if I can handle this. I-it’s too much…”

“Dude. This is not some whack therapy session, and I ain’t Dr. Phil.” AJ replied. “Now, what you are going to do is first, get some clothes on. Make yourself somewhat presentable.”

“The hell? Man, this isn’t some red carpet event, you know.” Nick snarled. He cradled his head as it began to throb once more, “Fuck, I need some Tylenol or something.”

“Wait a damn minute, you told Jill to get out? What the fuck for?”

“’Cause she accused me of being unfaithful.” Nick mumbled as his eyelids drooped down. All he wanted to do was sleep for a very, very long time.

However, AJ was not having any of it. He clenched his hands into tight fists, resisting the urge to punch Nick into next month, and tried to control his thoughts. Jill had been one of his comrades for a long time, and for him to even think about her being hurt in any way, shape or form, made every inch of his body twinge with anger.

“Were you?” he calmly asked, sitting down on the brown leather sofa.

“Huh?” Nick blinked at his friend, his head fuzzy.

“Were you unfaithful. Did you cheat on Jilly?”

“What? Fuck no, I didn’t cheat on her. It was totally thrown out of proportion.”

“Proportion. Big words from a man who downed a half of bottle of Jack.” AJ picked up the bottle. The alcohol sloshed back and forth as he shook it in front of Nick’s face, “Sure you don’t want to finish this off? Really, I can wait. Not sure if your injured girlfriend can, but me, I’ve got the time.”

“Christ, AJ, what’s your problem?” Nick said, his face red as he stood up to face his friend. “I don’t need this shit from you, man.”

“I just want to know what in hell was going through your mind when you decided that this would be a good idea.” He motioned to the bottle, setting it down on the side table.

“I don’t know.” was all Nick could think of to say.

“Pitiful excuse, but I’ll take it for now.”

“For now?” Nick questioned. He gripped the back of the chair to keep his balance as his legs threatened to give out on him once again. “You mean this… this isn’t my punishment?”

AJ shook his head, then sighed. “Afraid not.” He held up the police report, “Your punishment awaits.”

After finding a clean shirt, Nick shuffled into the adjoining master bathroom and turned on the hot water tap. He took a washcloth off the towel rack and ran it under the water before bringing it up to his face.

Then stop acting like an asshole… asshole… her voice burned into his thoughts.

He inhaled the warmth of the cloth as it filled his sinuses, attempting to clear his still somewhat foggy mind.

“Yo Nick, we gotta get on the road.” AJ pounded on the bathroom door, jarring him back into the present.

“Uh, yeah. I’m coming,” He replied, flicking off the light switch.

The side streets of Los Angeles were desolate as the two drove down towards the hospital. Nick cracked his knuckles loudly and let out a nervous sigh. He wanted nothing more than to not be here, wanted nothing more than to take back the last three hours and have everything be the same as it had that morning, wanted…

“Asshole.” he muttered, slouching down further in the seat.

AJ quickly averted his eyes from the road, “What?”

“Nothing.”

“You okay, Nicky?”

Nick threw him an evil glance, “I can’t even believe you’d ask me that.” he snorted, “Sure Aje, it’s all just pink clouds and purple hearts in my world. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Sorry dude, I-I didn’t even… “

“No AJ, I’m not fine. Nothing about this is fucking fine.” Nick spat out, turning back to the darkly tinted window as the world went by. He continued to mumble random obscenities as AJ pulled into a large parking ramp.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand Oh Eight

---6---

“Y-you wanna get out now or wait til I find a spot?” AJ asked hesitantly after he took the ticket from the automated parking attendant. He glanced over at Nick who still held a scowl on his pale face.

“I don’t care.” Nick replied in a small voice.

AJ clicked on the car alarm, and one shrill beep echoed through the ramp as the two walked towards the main entrance. Nick caught a chill as a breeze came through; he shoved his hands deep in his pockets, keeping his eyes straight ahead.

The giant medical center loomed above them and spread out for more than three city blocks. People milled around: patients, doctors, visitors. Nick scrunched up his nose. Hospitals gave him a weird feeling, even when they were there to visit a fan or a family member.

A pleasant middle-aged woman smiled, looking up from a computer screen as they approached the information desk. Nick casually glanced up at the clock on the opposite wall. Fifteen minutes after midnight.

“May I help you?”

“Uh yeah, Jillian Walsh please.” AJ said, leaning his elbows down on the desk. Nick hung back, taking in the atmosphere. It almost felt… happy and serene, which did not match his disposition at all right then.

“She is in the emergency room, which is down that hall and to the right, and check in with the front desk.” The woman’s sugary sweet smile made Nick’s bad mood swell even more.

AJ slapped his back to get his attention, “Come on.”

They sauntered down the carpeted hallway to another desk, manned this time by nurses in dark blue scrubs. A pretty blond-haired nurse smiled at them. AJ cleared his throat.

“Jillian Walsh?”

The nurse typed something into her computer, “Looks like she’s in the trauma room right now. I can’t let you back, I’m afraid. Family only.”

“Yeah, uh, but w--I was told to come here by the police.” Nick choked out, finding his voice. She probably thinks a murderer or something, he thought.

“Oh? Oh… well, just a second.” She disappeared from the desk, returning moments later with a doctor clad in pale green scrubs and a white coat. “Doctor, these two gentlemen are here for your patient in trauma three.” she explained.

The doctor nodded and led the two away from the desk over to an adjacent room. He took the chair opposite the door and motioned for AJ and Nick to have a seat.

“You are related to Miss Walsh, I assume?”

“Yeah, I’m her b-boyfriend,” Nick stuttered as a fresh wave of nervousness washed over him. He rubbed his hands together and absently shoved them in his pockets again. “Is she gonna be okay?”

“Well, it’s really too soon to say. She sustained a nasty bump to her head in the incident.”

“And is that all?” AJ asked, scooting the chair away from the wall.

“Um, unfortunately no. She also has a broken left femur, that’s the large bone in your leg, the other bone in the lower left leg are shattered too, I'm afraid, and we suspect she may have internal injuries. From the report, the police found her slumped over the steering wheel. She’s also got some lacerations and abrasions to her face. But she is very lucky to be alive.” He explained, finishing with a nod.

Nick wanted to throw up. Or run away. Or both. He could feel his throat begin to constrict. The room seemed to be closing in on him from all sides. He gripped the chair arm with such force, his knuckles turned bright white.

“Dude, it’s okay. She’s going to be all right.” AJ said.

“C-can we see her?” Nick asked, his voice laced with an ungodly fear.

--

“Smells like death and shit.” Nick mumbled, shrinking up against the wall as they walked towards the back of the emergency room.

The doctor stopped short of a curtained-off area, and turned to face them, “There’s a lot of action going on, so please make your visit brief.”

The doctor pulled back the curtain, the metal track at the top squeaked loudly as what was behind it was revealed.

“Holy shit.” Nick whispered.

There was nothing that could have prepared Nick for what he was about to see. Jill lay on a high bed, surrounded by what seemed to be a million and one machines, a large white bandage covering most of her head. A plastic tube protruded from her mouth and was connected to a purple bag that a nurse standing close by squeezed every other second or so.

“She’s stable, despite what it may look like.” The doctor said, scribbling something down on a metal chart. He hung it at the end of the bed and motioned to them, “You can come closer, it’s okay.”

But Nick’s feet were frozen where they stood. His eyes doubled in size as they focused on Jill’s bruised face.

“Oh shit. Jilly.” He whispered again, wiping at his mouth. AJ prodded him forward, and Nick cautiously took a step towards the bed. He paused, daunted by all the machines. At AJ’s behest, he took another step. Then another, until he was at the edge of the bed, the constant beeping of the machines in tune with the pounding of his heart.

“Soon she’ll be moved upstairs to the trauma ICU. Is there any, uh, family that should be contacted?”

“Her parents live in Minnesota. Nick’s all she’s got out here.” AJ explained, folding his arms across his chest.

“Ah, I see. Well, for any surgery, we need consent. Now obviously, Miss Walsh is unable to give her consent, so… “

“Surgery? What for?”

“Her leg was shattered in the impact of the crash, and will need to be properly re-aligned.”

Nick ran a shaky hand through his hair and cleared his throat, “So I guess that’s all on me, huh?”

“The surgery will take place tomorrow morning, and the orthopedic surgeon will be in to speak with you to answer more of your questions then. Is there anything else I can do for you tonight?”

“No. Uh, thank you.”

Nick carefully stepped up and let his eyes travel the length of the bed, the severity of the situation sinking in. A single tear rolled down his cheek and landed on the stark white sheet. He gently picked up Jill’s hand and brought her fingers to his lips, kissing the tip of each one. Tears flowed down his cheeks and the sudden onslaught of emotions hit him like a wave, tearing a choked sob from his lips as the reality of the days events hit him like a hammer.

AJ hung back, wiping at the tears that pricked at his own eyes. It was damn near unbearable to watch Nick go through such a mind-numbing whirlwind, and knowing full well that it was something neither of them had any control over.

“Please. Please baby, come back to me.” Nick squeaked, his voice raw and hoarse . He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and sniffled, looking over to AJ, “Bone, this sucks. This sucks so hard.”

“Yeah, it does.” AJ replied as he stood beside him. He wrapped an arm around Nick’s shoulder and pulled him into his arms as Nick wept, “Just let it all out, man.”

“I-I can’t lose her. I just can’t.”

"Measure of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand Oh Eight

---7---

With soft music whafting through the small-ish waiting room, Nick could feel the tiredness beginning to settle in his bones. He cracked his neck to the left and let out a groan, stretching his arms up to the ceiling.

“Hey Nicky,” AJ said from his spot on an uncomfortable plastic chair near the entrance to the waiting room. He managed a small smile and adjusted his sunglasses, sitting up further. “Did you get some shut-eye?”

“Hmm? Nah. I can’t sleep. Every time I try, all I see is…” He waved in the direction of the ICU. “This place gives me the creeps.”

“Yo-you wanna go in for a quick visit?”

Nick glanced towards the glass doors that encased the trauma ICU and bit his lip, lost in thought. It wasn’t going to get any easier to see Jill in such a state of distress and pain.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, I’ll go in,” Nick said with a nod. He wiped his sweaty palms down the front of his jeans, took in a deep breath, and stood up. “You gonna be okay in here?”

“I’m not three-years-old, thank you very much,” AJ said, chuckling as he shook his head in disbelief.

“Not even going to contest with that one, Bone.” Nick managed a laugh, and immediately felt guilt-ridden. He gripped his hands tightly and breathed warm air in between his fingers, the pins and needles feeling subsiding briefly as he stepped out of the waiting room. The walls were painted a stark white; in fact, everything around him was white and sterile.

Feeling more like a lost child in a department store, Nick cautiously walked over to the sliding glass door that separated him from the woman he loved. There, on the far right… an elevator. He could so make a break for it.

A low voice came from behind, “Nick?”

Startled out of his reverie, Nick turned to face a pair of familiar brown eyes framed by dark caterpillar-like eyebrows. It was Kevin. How the hell…

“How the hell did you know I was here?”

“Bone gave me a jingle about an hour ago. Tried to get you on the phone, but you must’ve been off in another dimension or something,” he said with a smile, patting Nick on the shoulder. “You holding up okay?”

“Uh, I guess. As good as I can,” Nick admitted with a shrug. “I was, uh, just about to go in and see Jilly.”

“Don’t let me interrupt. I’ll be back in the waiting room with AJ. Brian and Howie said they’d be by around lunch. That cool?”

Nick nodded in response, although his mind was swimming once again. Why was everyone acting like this was more of a family reunion? Lowering his eyebrows in confusion, Nick did a quick double-take to Kevin’s retreating back, and then turned back to the still closed glass doors. This was not going to go away, he thought as his heart began to thump loudly. Clearing his throat, Nick stretched over to push the button on the intercom.

The intercom buzzed and a static-y, almost tinny sounding voice erupted from the small box, “Can I help you?”

“Jillian Walsh?” he said, voice squeaking. He bit at his lower lip again, letting the skin grind through his teeth, and waited patiently as a nurse came over to the door.

“She’s right over here,” the nurse said with a smile, the first genuine one of the day.

She led Nick over to a room directly across from the main nurse’s station. Nick moved towards the door, his heartbeat now resembling the drum solo at a Metallica concert. He wished he had someone else with him… besides this strange woman.

The room was large, and three of the walls were solid glass. A smaller desk with two chairs sat right outside of the door. Nick came up to the bed that was situated in the center of the room, taking in the moment. He let out a low whistle, running a hand through his hair and then settled his hands down on the blanket.

Purple and red bruises covered the right side of Jill’s face, her eye completely swollen shut. Her once bright pink cheeks were now pale and bruised. Bruised and broken, yet still beautiful. Nick grasped her hand in his, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles, letting the softness of her skin sink deep within him. A trace of blood ran down the side of her cheek, and Nick carefully tried to wipe it away.

The breathing tube was still in place, although now it was hooked up to a large machine at the back of the bed. It made hissing noises as the precious air was pumped into Jill’s lungs. He noticed the beeping of the heart monitor, keeping in time with his own.

“My name’s Corinne, and I’ll be Jillian’s nurse today,” the nurse spoke, knocking Nick back in to the present. She smiled again, taking a step to the other side of the bed. “Dr. Slayton will be around in a few minutes to talk to you about Jillian’s surgery scheduled for this morning. Did you get some sleep, I hope?”

Nick shook his head. “No. Not really. My brain just… wouldn’t shut off.” He glanced back down at Jill’s peaceful face, her brown hair splayed across the pillow, curls washing down to frame her marred face. He carefully picked up a curl and ran it between his fingers. Small hints of lavender tickled his nostrils and Nick couldn’t help but smile at the minute familiarity.

“Despite of what it may look like, she’s actually doing quite well. The ventilator,” Corinne motioned to the breathing tube and box behind, “is only as a precaution; to keep her lungs safe. After surgery, they’ll do a chest x-ray and see if there was any permanent damage from the crash. If not, we’ll wean her off the vent in a couple days.”

“Wean? Isn’t that like something you do with a baby?”

Corinne let a soft laugh. “Yes, but in this instance, it refers to lowering the oxygen level on the vent to let the patient’s own lungs breathe on their own, to want to breathe on their own.”

“Oh, okay. So sh-she’ll be able to talk to me and stuff after that?” Nick asked hopefully.

“Definitely. Oh, here’s Dr. Slayton. I’ll leave you two alone.” Corinne squeezed Nick’s hand before exiting the room.

A grey-haired doctor dressed in pale blue scrubs with a paper hat affixed around his head picked up Jill’s chart from the bedside table and gave it a once-over. He then cleared his throat and looked up at Nick. “What we will be doing is placing an intramedullary nail down through the shaft of the femur. It should take, oh, about two hours tops. Do you have any questions?”

Completely dumbfounded, Nick searched for the words in his brain, but was coming up with nothing.

“A… a whatullary thing? Could you lay it on me in plain English?” Nick said as trickles of sweat rolled down his face. Unrelenting nervousness continued to come at him in constant waves.

The doctor sighed, glanced up at the ceiling, and shifted his weight from his right foot to the left. “An intramedullary nail, almost like a steel piece of pipe, that will be put down the middle of the bone to let it heal properly.”

Nick cringed inwardly at the thought, but pushed that out of mind for the moment. He was not in the mood to be chastised by a doctor, certainly not when he was an adult and capable of being talked to as such. He opened his mouth to say something in response, but the doctor took another look in his direction, smirked, and left the room in a flash.

“Fucking nice talking to you too, asshole,” he grumbled under his breath through clenched teeth. He then turned all of his attention back on Jill. “Baby, I don’t know if you can hear me… wherever you are, but please… don’t leave me.”

Even contemplating such a notion was enough to turn Nick’s stomach into a solid rock. He couldn’t imagine his life without her, nor could he even remember what his life had been like before her.

Nick exhaled loudly and closed his eyes briefly to say a small prayer. He’d never been much for religion, but figured in this instance, it was warranted.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand and Eight
---

“Hey Nick.” Corinne popped her head back into the room. “The transport team is here to bring Jillian down for surgery.”

It’s too soon. I need more time.

But before he was able to get a word in edgewise, a slew of scrub-clad personnel came in with a separate bed on wheels. One of them locked the bed into place and lowered the rail down as the other team members worked in a flourish to disconnect the ventilator to a portable squeeze bag. They then gathered around Jill’s bed and, all at once, lifted her limp body from one bed to the other. Her head briefly hung back, and Nick looked on in horror as her left eye opened a fraction of an inch.

“Jesus, she’s awake!” he shouted, clapping a hand over his mouth after the fact.

No one acknowledged his sudden outburst, instead the bed rail was put back up into place, and the brakes unlocked. Nick inched his way up to the head of the bed, and quickly pressed his lips against Jill’s forehead. He wiped a stray hair out of her face, taking a mental snapshot of her delicate features, marred as they were. As the bed was wheeled out of the room, Nick suddenly felt as if heart had been ripped out of his chest and thrown away like common garbage.

Lingering tears cascaded down his cheeks. “Shit.” He let his arms drop down to his side, heavy as steel anchors. His legs trembled as the sheer emotional overload hit him like a ton of bricks. Collapsing down to his knees, Nick paid no attention to the small audience that had gathered outside Jill’s room.

“Hey… hey Nicky,” Brian’s voice penetrated his conscience from far out in the stratosphere. He knelt down next to his friend and placed a sympathetic hand on his back, “Nick, l-let’s go.” Brian said, his own voice choked as he helped Nick to his feet.

--

There was a lot of tension as all five of the Backstreet Boys, and now their respective female counterparts, had taken refuge in the waiting room. Soda cans and paper cups sat atop the laminate-covered table. Nick used the surface to drum his fingers along the edge, as his friends conversed back and forth.

“So how did all of this happen?” Kevin asked, his arm around his wife, Kristin. He glanced over at Nick, who was clearly in a world of his own. “Nicky, come down out of the clouds.”

“Dude. Kev, leave the guy alone,” AJ interjected with a knowing look, to which Kevin scoffed.

“You look like hell,” Kevin joked, slapping his leg.

Nick threw him a dirty look, his mouth contorted in a scowl.

“What the fuck is your problem, man?” AJ stood up, his hands balled into fists. “You’d look like shit too if you had to deal with your woman being all mangled and stuff. Like I said, leave. him. alone,” AJ said forcefully.

Kevin rose to his feet, his once smiling face now dark and creased with anger. “I never thought you’d be the one to pick and choose Nick’s battles for him, Bone,” he said in a low tone. “All I asked was how this happened. Simple enough.”

“She thought I was fucking cheating on her, okay?” Nick barked, looking up. “She thought I was cheating, I denied it, she called me an asshole and I said leave. There! Is that what you were looking for? Does that satisfy your curiosity, Kevin? Huh?”

Now meeting each other at eye level, Kevin crossed his arms over his muscular chest and cocked his head to the side. “Hmm, I can see why she’d think that.”

“What… the… fuck!” Nick spat out, clenching his hands into fists, anger coursing through his veins like wildfire.

“AJ, make them stop. Please.” Brenna, AJ’s girlfriend of almost a decade, pleaded.

AJ sighed heavily and took a step in the direction of his squabbling brothers. Rebuffed by Kevin’s outstretched hand, he said, “Look, this is neither the time nor the place for this.”

“Come on, AJ, you know Nick’s track record of tramps and such. It was bound to bite him in the ass at some point,” Kevin retorted, shrugging his shoulder as if it were nothing.

“Kevin, for fuck’s sake, let it go,” Kristin said, pulling on Kevin’s arm and trying to move towards the door.

So enraged by Kevin’s words, Nick’s fist flew out and connected with Kevin’s strong jaw. Kevin stumbled back, the wind knocked out of him momentarily, and stared up at Nick, completely stunned. Nick just glared back. “Go to hell. I love Jilly and you fucking know that. You know that!” Nick’s chin trembled as the words poured out, his heart feeling as if it were broken into pieces. “So fuck off. If you think that of me… then just… fuck off.”

“Come on, Kevin, let’s give them some room to breathe,” Kristin said as she helped Kevin to his feet and then out of the room.

What should have been a moment to reflect back on his true feelings for Jill were masked by utter anger and frustration. Never had Nick heard such hateful and awful words come out of Kevin’s mouth. Sure, they’d bantered back and forth before, but it was always done in jest. Not this time, though.

Nick flopped down on the firm cushion of the couch and instantly his body went limp from utter exhaustion. He just wanted to sleep. A few hours would work but with the emotional ambush of the last few hours, he felt as if he could sleep for days or even weeks.

He didn’t even have the energy to cry anymore. “Please, someone, tell me that this is a nightmare. Tell me I’m gonna wake up soon or somethin',” Nick mumbled, settling his head up on one of the ratty pillows. Come sleep, come.

Brian looked on as Nick soon fell into a deep sleep, his head lolled to the side. He knew that hospitals tweaked out not only Nick, but the other guys in the group, too. Taking in a deep breath, he let it out slowly before rising to his feet.

“Hey AJ, I’m just gonna go for a walk around. Maybe get some fresh air,” Brian said as he propped the waiting room door open with his foot.

“Sure Rok, knock yourself out,” AJ said, getting up. He stretched his arms far above his head, letting out a groan as the knots in his back eased out. “Think I’m gonna run down and get me some food. Maybe get Nicky some grub, too. Don’t think he’s eaten since sometime yesterday.”

“Measure Of A Man”
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand & Eight

---9---

Brian had spent enough time in a hospital room as a patient to know the ins and outs of the place. He strolled down the tiled hallway towards the elevator, when a small child sitting alone in one of the chairs opposite the elevator bank caught his eye.

“Hey there, sweetie. Where’s your Momma and Daddy?” he inquired, crouching down to the child’s level.

The little girl, probably around 5 or 6, smiled brightly and began twisting a brown curl between her fingers, nails painted a hot pink. “They’re visitin’ my brudder.” she said, jabbing her thumb back in the direction of the ICU.

“Oh. Well, why are you out here, then?”

“Cuz I’m too little to go inside. You hafta be twelve, and I’m only this many.” She held out five fingers and grinned happily, showing off two dark spots where teeth had fallen out. “What’s your name?”

“I’m Brian. What’s your name?” he asked with a matching grin. The girl’s smile was infectious. She giggled and covered her mouth as her cheeks turned from pink to crimson.

“Hallie,” she replied with another giggle. Brian shook his head as Hallie continued to giggle. “I know who you are.”

“You do?” Brian asked. He arranged his legs Indian-style and leaned an elbow down on his knee. “You know who I am?”

Hallie nodded, the smile never leaving her lips. “You’re a Backstreet Boy.”

Brian blushed heavily. “Aww, you found me out.” His eyes got real wide for a second, and he looked to his right and left before wagging a finger at Hallie. She scooted to the edge of her chair to listen closely. “But you can’t tell anyone, okay? Let’s keep it between us.”

“A secret?” Hallie pondered this for a quick second before nodding enthusiastically.

Brian chuckled and got up, brushing off his backside as he leaned over to give Hallie a quick kiss on her cheek. “You be a good girl, okay?”

“Why are you in the hoppital, Bwian?” Hallie asked, eyes wide with innocent curiosity.

Brian smiled softly. “Because one of my very good friends got hurt.”

Without wanting to delve further into the situation, Brian took a step backwards and pushed the ‘down’ button. His mind instantly went to his own son, Baylee, who was a little bit older than Hallie.

He shoved his hands deep into his pockets and watched as the floor numbers lit up and faded as the elevator made its journey to him. Countless times, he and the guys had visited the hospital to sing to sick children and help brighten their day. Every time they had left he’d thanked God that it hadn’t been any of his family lying in the hospital beds. But now it was. Nick was a broken façade of a man he used to be.

Brian sighed ruefully as he stepped onto the elevator. He turned to push the button for the main floor and smiled as Hallie came back in sight. She was in the same situation as he, only she had the exuberance of a child to stay positive and hopeful. He smiled at that and gave her a small wave. If she could have hope then so could he. So could Nick. They just had to get through to him.

“Bye, Bwian! Say hi to AJ for me!” Hallie said, waving the elevator doors closed.

----

Nick sauntered down a stark white hallway. He rubbed his bare arms as the temperature seemed to drop ten degrees with each step he took.

“Hey Nick.”

He stopped, heart beating fiercely inside his chest as realization struck. He knew that voice, the slight accent that ringed through each word. He turned to look and was faced with no one. He was alone in the hall.

“Nicky, I’ve missed you,” came the voice again.

Confused beyond belief, Nick turned in a circle, frantically looking around. Again, he saw no one. He stopped, dizzy from the turning. He was alone but yet… he knew he had heard her voice.

His strong voice echoed down the hallway as he called, “Jilly?”

“Nick, I’m right here.”

“What the fuck?” he whispered, trying desperately to focus his already bleary eyes. “Jilly, come on. This isn’t funny.”

Then, as if by magic, Jill’s smiling face appeared in front of him. She was beautiful, unmarred by all the bruising and devastation of the accident, but so transparent. Pale as if she hadn’t been in the sun for years. But it was definitely her. Nick gasped and reached out, begging for just a touch. Anything.

“Nick, how could you do this?” she asked, her full lips turned down in a frown.

Nick licked his own lips, blinking rapidly as he stared at her. “Do what?”

“How could you let me die?”

“What?!” He shouted, incredulous at the accusation. Suddenly, an onslaught of images flashed through his mind. Bright red blood, so much so that he felt as if he were drowning in it. A body atop a gurney. The sounds of machines beeping frantically as voices he didn’t know shouted out orders. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes and shook his head, trying to clear away the thoughts. They only intensified, flashing through his brain faster and faster, like a roulette wheel on speed.

Suddenly, the beeping stopped. He heaved a sigh of relief and opened his eyes to see Jill fade away before him. He reached out and shouted after her but it was too late. She was gone and the beeping was back. Only this time, it was a loud and screeching continuous beep. He tore his gaze from where Jill once stood and looked down the hallway toward the noise.

He could see two doctors through the doorway. Their blood spattered scrubs came into view as they hovered over a bed with a body. One doctor moved, his movements causing a gust of wind to blow curly brown hair over the side of the bed. He stood off to the side and looked down at his watch. “Time of death…”

Nick’s eyes went wide and his heart plummeted. “No!” he shouted. He fell to his knees and slammed his fists against the floor as he watched the two doctors draw a sheet over the lifeless body of his girlfriend.

Time of death… time of death…

“Dammit, no!” he shouted again.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
January 2nd, 2009

---
“Nick. Hey, Nicky, wake up.”

Then, all at once, his world crashed back down to earth. He jerked awake, nearly kicking the two figures standing in front of him. Scrubbing the fuzziness out of his eyes, he glanced up at AJ and Brian staring down at him, their faces torn with parts confusion and concern. Nick shook his head, not really believing what he had just seen.  
 
“You okay, dude?” AJ asked, crouching down. He slid his sunglasses down off his nose and shoved them in the back pocket of his jeans. “D’you wanna talk about it?” 
 
“I’m fucking losing my mind,” Nick replied. He raked his hands through his hair and let them rest there for a second while he tried to wrap his brain around everything. “I saw Jilly, she was right in front of me, and she was fine.” He took in a deep breath and let it stagger as he exhaled. “She looked perfect. Beautiful. But then, she was dead. I’m losing my damn fucking mind.” 

AJ and Brian exchanged a worried glance as Nick buried his face in his hands.  

“Jilly’s, uh, out of surgery,” AJ piped up, clearing his throat as he took a seat next to Nick. “The surgeon’s gonna be here in a few.” 

“Great,” Nick replied with a snort. “Why me? Why her? It’s just not fair.” 

For the first time since having met one another and grown to be brothers, both AJ and Brian were at a complete loss for words.  
---- 
“Dude, you need to get some sleep, and get away from this place for a while.” 

All the voices seemed to morph into one other, and it was next to impossible for Nick to decipher who exactly was vying for his attention. He scrubbed his hands across his face for what felt like the millionth time and let his hands come to rest on his jaw, holding his chin up against exhaustion as he looked around the nearly empty waiting room. He could feel the tightness behind his eyes, a sure indication that they were now bloodshot and ready to close at any given second. It hurt to blink. Hell, it even hurt to breathe anymore.

“Yo Nick.” AJ’s face popped into his peripheral vision. “Come on, we’re gonna take you home.” 

“Jilly. I can’t leave her here alone,” he managed, voice thick with exhaustion and worry. He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He turned to look at AJ, apprehension lacing his features. “What if she wakes up and I’m not here?”

“You’re not doing anyone, much less yourself,” Brian paused for a second and then added softly, “especially Jilly, any justice by being in this constant fugue state.” He bent down until he was eye level with Nick. “You need to go home, get some real food, and a good night’s rest.”

Nick knew what Brian was saying was true. He did need to sleep, and the food was god awful at the hospital, but all he could focus on was Jill, even if his focus was slowly wavering into incoherent fogginess. He was holding onto the image of her face with all his might. He would not give up on her.

“I can’t leave her.” he stated simply, sounding more and more like a broken record. He slouched down against the back of the couch. “If she wakes up…” he paused and then corrected himself, voice firmer, “when she wakes up, I wanna be here. I have to be here.”

“Dude, we gave the nurse all of our cell numbers. If something happens to go down, they’ll get a hold of you or me or whoever. But now? Now you need to get the hell off your duff and go home,” AJ said forcefully. The overwhelming fatigue was edging in on his last nerve, and he was nearing the breaking point. 

There really was no reasoning with them, and he wasn’t in the mood to cause any more headaches, so Nick stood up and let AJ and Brian lead him out of the waiting room like a scorned dog on a leash. He stopped briefly in front of the ICU doors, long enough to peek inside and see if there was any action going on. However, Brian, being the ever elusive big brother, took him by the shoulders and manually guided him to the waiting elevator.
-- 
With AJ at the wheel and Brian riding shotgun, Nick let out a low groan as he stretched out against the plush backseat. He stared forlornly at the window of Jill’s room as it disappeared from view. He kept staring even though he could no longer see the hospital, until the fatigue finally over took him and he fell into a deep slumber.

After what seemed like hours a hand clamped down on his leg and shook violently. He jerked and pried his heavy lids open to see AJ peeking around the driver’s seat. “Yo, dude, we’re home.”

Nick stared blankly as his sleep-trodden brain registered the words. He swallowed thickly and sat up gingerly, body stiff from the awkward position he had fallen asleep in. “Okay.”

Nick mumbled to himself as he tried to undo his seatbelt. It took several tries and a few choice curse words until the lock popped free and he extracted himself out of the car. He scratched his head and gazed up at the sky, streaks of dark orange and pinks stretching across the late afternoon clouds. He stretched and rotated his neck from side to side, groaning softly as his bones creaked and popped. Although he was glad to be physically out of the hospital, his heart and soul was back in that room, sitting right next to the woman he loved.  

“Man, my own bed is gonna feel like a million bucks tonight. Though I wish…” he trailed off, eyebrows knitted tightly together.

“Wish what, man?” AJ asked curiously. 

“I wish Jilly were here with me,” Nick replied softly.  

AJ threw an arm around the tall blondes shoulder and gave him a small squeeze. “Yeah, I know, dude. I wish she were anywhere else right now. Anywhere else would be far better than that place.” He shuddered at the image of Jill’s mangled features. “But you know what? She’s gonna be okay. Don’t ask me how I know, just call it best friends’ intuition.” He grinned and patted Nick on the back before returning to the SUV to retrieve his steaming latte out of the beverage holder.  

“I’ve gotta call LeighAnne and let her know that I’m stayin’ the night,” Brian piped up from inside the car.  

Nick threw him a confused look. “What? Bri, you don’t need to stay here. I’ll be fine.” 

“Dude, you should know him well enough that nothing you could possibly say to get out of this would do any good,” AJ said with a grin as Brian joined the two at the top of the driveway. 

The view from their standpoint was absolutely incredible. The ranch-style house sat atop a large hill, and you could see for miles from every direction. But from where they stood it was as if there was no outside world. No road, no people, not a thing. It was his own little haven, his pride and joy. However, all of this meant nothing without Jill, and Nick could feel the overwhelming emptiness even standing where they were.

“Besides, thought maybe we could talk. You know that buddy-buddy type talk,” Brian said with a knowing look.  

Nick bit his lip and turned his gaze away from Brian. He knew what the older man was going to say and he wasn’t ready for it. He stared out over the open scenery and sighed. He wasn’t ready to talk. Not now. Not yet.

“Yo Rok, I think Nicky’s been through enough trauma for one night, hell for a lifetime. Let’s just go inside and unwind.”  

Brian glanced at AJ before turning to look at Nick for a moment. He looked utterly lost and Brian knew without a doubt that now was not the time for what he had to say to Nick. He nodded reluctantly, deadset on talking to Nick soon enough, and followed as AJ ushered Nick in through the garage and toward the kitchen.

“Measure Of A Man”
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand & Nine

---
As soon as Nick entered the kitchen his nose was assaulted with the most vile smell he had ever encountered. Even Howie’s rank body odor during wardrobe changes while touring couldn’t compete. His mind immediately ventured back to that night… the fight… the booze…

“Ugh. What is that stink?” Brian asked, fanning the air as he wrinkled up his nose. 

“Damn,” AJ muttered under his breath, pulling his shirt up to cover his mouth and nose. “Dude, you got a carpet cleaner or anything?”  

Nick stared blankly for a moment before snapping back to present time. He made a face at the smell and shrugged, covering his mouth and nose with his hand. AJ let out a snort and shook his head. He should have known. Domesticity was not one of Nick’s strong points.

“Febreze it, shout it out, open the windows…” Brian moaned in disgust. He gripped the counter as a wave of nausea came over him. “For crying out loud, do something!”

“Dude, for real. If it bugs the snot out of you that bad, feel free to wait outside,” AJ replied as he walked over to the short flight of stairs that led to the downstairs. “Yo Nick, you have a utility room down there, right?” 

“Uh yeah, I think so.” Nick said, nodding.

Truth be told, he didn’t have a damn clue. He knew next to nothing about how to run the house. A house cleaning service came in once a week to make a run-through and if anything ever went amiss, he either called for outside help or Jill did the job herself, preferring not to wait for someone else. Martha Stewart he surely wasn’t.

AJ ambled down the stairs while Brian ventured back outside. Nick could’ve sworn his face was green. Much to his own chagrin, he bypassed the whole carpet cleaning fiasco and made his way back toward the master bedroom. It was as if time had stood still. The bedcovers and sheets were all messed up and tossed down on the floor. He had been in a mad rush to get to rehearsal that morning, and making the bed was the furthest thing from his mind.  

Nick reached over and picked up a pillow and tossed it haphazardly back up onto the bed before flopping down on the edge himself. His eyes scanned the room, taking in the constant reminders of his Jill. The small stack of chick lit books that she loved piled neatly on her nightstand, the glass bottles of perfume on the dresser, a pile of shoes by the closet doors that he swore grew daily. Constant reminders of her surrounded him. She was everywhere.

Then a glint of silver caught his eye. Raising an eyebrow, Nick walked over to the nightstand, and picked up Jill’s hot pink iPod. The same one she used to help rock out that day in the bathroom. A smile played at the corner of his lips as he absently monkeyed with the turn wheel on the front of the music player. The iPod suddenly came to life, springing bright colors of album covers in front of his eyes. He cruised through a few of the playlists, until one song in particular peaked his interest. He placed the ear buds securely in his ears, turned up the volume ever so slightly, and let the familiar melody flood through. 

“Nick? Hey buddy, where’d you get to?” Brian’s southern twang echoed down the hallway. With his digestive system issues now in check, he was eager to talk this thing out with Nick, even if it was the last thing on his mind. “Nick?”

His voice trailed off as he stepped into the darkened master bedroom and saw Nick laying across the bed, iPod on his chest with his arms crossed beneath his head. His eyes were closed and a small smirk played across his face. For the first time since the whole tragedy had happened, Nick looked utterly content. Brian smiled inwardly, then inched backwards out of the room, closing the door carefully behind him. He could have the heart-to-heart with Nick later. The poor guy needed this moment of happiness.

Brian was walking toward the guest room that he had claimed for himself when he heard AJ holler, “Rok, could use your help out here…” his voice died off and Brian raised an eyebrow curiously.

“What the… AJ, what the heck are you doing?”

With the found carpet cleaner in front of him, whirring and sputtering as it moved over and across the stained areas, AJ grinned cheesily at Brian, acting as if he had won the SuperBowl or something. He pointed down at the carpet cleaner and gave Brian an enthusiastic thumbs up. However, the cleaner was proving to be more difficult than a sticky-fingered toddler in a candy store.

“I think I… almost… got it,” AJ said, voice strained as the cleaner took him for a ride across the room. He tried to hold the machine back from running away but it only resulted in the machine suddenly tipping over, expelling soapy and dirty water all over the carpet. He yelped and jumped away to avoid the spilling water. “Fuck me!” He kicked the machine once for good measure and sighed. “I dunno, dude, that thing is a pain in the fucking arse!”

“Didn’t you read the directions?” Brian asked, stifling a chuckle at AJ’s expense.  

“What? Directions? What is this foreign word you speak?”  

Brian merely rolled his eyes and let out a short snort of a laugh. “We need to get this cleaned up somehow, you realize this, right?”

AJ’s face fell instantly as he gazed around at the now rather large mess. “Can’t we like call someone to help?” 

“It’s almost two in the morning! Who do you suggest we call, Bone?” 

“Uh, I dunno. Isn’t there like some all-night carpet cleaning person business? This is LA, after all.” 

“I’ll get some towels. See if we can’t at least mop some of the excess water up.” To this, AJ made a disgusting face and shuddered. Brian rolled his eyes again, only this time in exasperation. He was used to AJ’s smartass remarks, and his usual unwillingness to cooperate, but he really hoped he could possibly put his pride and attitude on the shelf for the time being while they were helping their brother out. “As soon as we get this taken care of it’s time to hit the sack because I’m exhausted.”
---- 
The bright morning sun filtered in through the high, narrow windows of the dining room, flashing rays of bright sunshine on AJ and Brian. Both men sat in silence as they each purused the newspaper, the cast off sections strewn across the table amidst two steaming cups of really bad coffee.

"If you add enough sugar and cream, you can hardly tell," AJ piped up, pouring what had to have been his fourth cup in half an hour.  

"If you add enough sugar and cream.…” Brian tapered off for a second in thought before singing. “'I'm on a sugar high, see you in three years!'."

AJ shook his head and took a sip of his coffee, his right eye twitching in the process, and Brian chuckled. "Well well well, seems we have a party pooper on our hands here, folks."  
 
"Wha-what are you talking about? Better yet, who are you talking to? See, you're losing brain function by the minute."  

AJ folded up his newspaper and jumped up from the table, nearly prancing around toward the kitchen, singing “Every party has a pooper, that’s why we invited you, party pooper. Party pooper!” He wiggled his behind as he danced around the table, stopping for a second to gyrate against a chair, mimicking giving someone a lap dance, which made Brian shake his head. AJ stopped after a moment when he got to the second verse and forgot the words. He shrugged, admitting defeat, before plopping back down in his chair to look over at Brian who was trying his damnedest to ignore him. “You need to lighten up, Bri. Come on, man.”
 
“Did the doctor somehow drop you on your head at birth?” Brian asked, voice flat. 

AJ’s eyes narrowed into slits, for once he wasn’t wearing his traditional sunglasses, and he made an aggravated noise in the back of his throat. He abandoned his half-full cup and ambled into the living room. He’d had enough abuse for the morning.

The living room definitely had the Carter Touch in décor. Tamp Bay Buccaneers pennants along with a framed jersey lined one wall while the opposite wall held a giant oak entertainment center loaded with top of the line electronics that would make any grown man green with envy. AJ walked over and opened the glass enclosed cabinet, searching through the plethora of CDs that Nick had collected throughout the years, while Brian came in and sat down on the leather sectional situated in the middle of the room.

AJ chuckled to himself as he pulled out a CD and examined the front. He held it out for Brian to see and snickered. “Vanilla Ice… heh, oh yeah, I’m gonna have a field day with this.” He snickered again and slid the CD back in place as he continued picking through the collection.

"Bone, don't you think you're invading Nick and Jilly’s privacy just a tad?" Brian asked, slightly annoyed.

AJ stopped with a Journey CD in his hands and slowly turned around to face Brian, giving him a droll look that clearly stated ‘who’s crack have you been smoking?’.

Brian knew that look all too well. He cleared his throat and stood up.“I, uh, I’m gonna go grab some more coffee.”

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara (goneplatinum@live.com
Two Thousand and Nine


Nick was standing in front of the open fridge, clad in a worn t-shirt and basketball shorts. His blond hair stood on end, even more so than usual, and his blue eyes were bloodshot and puffy. He smiled sleepily at his best friend before grabbing a gallon of milk. “Hey, man.”

Brian smiled back. “Hey yourself, sleeping beauty.” He went over and rinsed out the mug he had dropped off on his way to the living room. “I came to talk to you last night but you were zonked out. What’s up with that?”

“Yeah, well…” Nick scratched at the stubble on his chin and shrugged. “I got lost in the music and sort of just crashed.”

“What were you listening to?” Brian poured himself a fresh cup of coffee.

Before Nick could answer AJ cut him off with a loud, “Dude, you actually own Captain and Tenille!?” His voice trailed off into riotous laughter that echoed throughout the kitchen and Brian shook his head.

“It’s not mine,” Nick shouted back. He threw Brian a confused look. “What the hell is he doing in there?”

“Practicing for his karaoke debut? I really have no idea.” Brian rolled his eyes, accepting the gallon of milk Nick offered him. He poured a little bit into his mug and stirred it up, watching as the two liquids swirled around until it was a light brown. “So… you were sayin’?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah. Found Jilly’s iPod and she had a shitload of James Taylor, so I just kinda plugged in and fell asleep listenin’ to “Carolina In My Mind”. It was great.” Nick grinned, bringing the cup up to his lips. “Wait a second, who made this?” 
 
“Your skillful, all-knowing, buffer than shit barista, Jizzle, that’s who.”

“Since when do you work at Starbucks?”

Nick raised an eyebrow at AJ, who grinned and motioned with his hand for Nick to take a drink. Upon ingesting the liquid, Nick crinkled his nose in disgust and felt his stomach do a sudden flip. “Dude, I’d fire your ass. This is terrible.”

-----

The silence was deafening, even above the din of the ventilator, and it made Nick want to scream until his throat was on fire.  He sat in the overstuffed recliner next to Jill’s bedside, keeping a constant vigil. He wanted to be the first one there when she woke up. He wanted to be the first one to look into her eyes. More importantly, he wanted to be the first one that she saw.

He absently cracked his knuckles and rubbed his hands together, trying to maintain his sanity. It had been a little over forty-eight hours since the accident, and just over twenty-four since the surgery. Her entire right leg was currently wrapped up in a thick bandage, resting atop a stack of pillows. The nursing staff came in every once in awhile to reposition it, but now was the first time Nick had been truly left alone with Jill since the accident. Being this close with her in such a bad state, he couldn’t help but let his mind wander off to another realm where they were both happy.

---
“Jilly? Where the heck are you, girl?” Nick’s voice traveled down the darkened hallway. He scrunched his nose and looked back towards the front of the house. He knew he had seen Jill’s beloved mini Cooper parked in front of the garage… so where was she?

He wandered throughout the house for a few more moments before a small smile tugged at the corners of his lips. He could faintly hear a female voice singing at random intervals. Although he couldn’t quite make out all the lyrics, he grinned and followed the voice until he found himself at their bedroom door. He leaned against the doorjamb and stared down at the floor as he listened in on her self-imposed jam session.

“Every time I‘m telling secrets, I remember how it used to be.”

Nick laughed softly as he padded across the beige carpet, and peeked into the bathroom. Jill stood in front of the mirror in only her bra and underwear, her round brush in hand acting as a microphone, belting out the words as they flooded through her headphones. And what made it all the more interesting and amusing to watch was the fact that she was completely oblivious to anything or anyone around her.

“No, only in my dreams. As real as it may seem, it was only in my dreams,” She sang, wiggling her bottom as she did a little dance.

The next American Idol she wasn’t but Nick couldn’t help but listen and stare as she continued to, literally, dance and sing to the beat of her own drum. It was one of the things he loved most: her spontaneity, her lust for laughter, and the fact that she didn’t care one bit what anyone thought of her. At the end of the song, or what Nick presumed to be the end, he applauded wildly, letting out a loud whistle between his teeth.

Jill jumped, screeching “OHMYGOD,” as she turned to face Nick. The brush bounced to the floor as she clasped her hands tightly to her chest, her face flooded with horror and a crimson blush. All Nick could do was shrug in response. It was either that or bust out laughing, and that for sure would’ve killed the moment.

She yanked the small ear buds from her ears, switching the volume off as she set them on the bathroom counter. “How long have you been standing there?” she asked breathlessly, flicking a few wisps of hair off her face.  
 
“Long enough,” Nick grinned, folding his arms across his chest as he settled back against the counter. He casually picked up the hot pink iPod and began skimming through the playlists. “What else have you got on here?” 
 
“Mostly stuff from the 80’s, stuff you don’t care about,” she said with a smirk as she snatched the player out of his hands and held it behind her back. “Unless you’ve suddenly become a fan of Debbie Gibson?” 
 
Nick cringed and shivered at the thought. “Oh god no, anything but that.” He could handle most music, even classical to a point, but that… that was out of the question. 
 
“Aww, come on, Nicky, you know you want to sing with me,” Jill replied, siding up to him. Jutting out her lower lip, she began to whimper like a lost puppy. “You know how your voice makes me weak in the knees.” She grinned, wagging her eyebrows suggestively. 

Nick rolled his eyes and let out a snicker. Under normal circumstances he wouldn’t be caught dead singing such cheesy songs, but to appease her and make her happy, he would. He’d do anything for her. He sighed in mock defeat and she beamed, clapping her hands happily. He cleared his throat and his rich, full voice soon filled the small space with her favorite song, “Don’t Forget Me(When I’m Gone)” by Glass Tiger. Sure, he didn’t share her penchant for the cheesiness and sappy songs, but it was all worth it to see her beautiful smile.  

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara(goneplatinum@live.com)
Two Thousand and Nine


As he was about to sing the last verse, Jill nonchalantly reached up and pinched his nose shut, so his voice took on more of a mousy-type squeaky quality. He made a face at her but continued to sing as she giggled. When he was finished, she applauded and laughed wildly.

Nick quirked a brow at her and pursed his lips. “Oh okay, I see how it is. You wanna play, huh?” He sighed. “All right, then, have it your way.”

He grinned wickedly and Jill immediately dropped her hands, clamping her mouth shut as she stared up at his 6’2” frame in bewilderment. Nick cackled evilly at that and drew his hands, curling his fingers up as claws. Like an animal ready to stalk his prey, he smirked and slowly inched in her direction.

“Nick?” Jill squeaked, backing up slightly. “C’mon, Nicky, you know I was only teasing.” She let out a small stuttered laugh, holding her hands up in surrender. “You know, ha h-ha ha?”

Nick blatantly ignored her protests as he slowly edged forward, until she backed into the far wall with a tiny squeak. She grinned meekly up at him and he let out another laugh before he tackled her sides, running his fingers up and down her ribs while she withered and squealed beneath him. He kept up the attack until her head thumped back into the wall and she let out a small, strangled noise.

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry!” He bent down to kiss her forehead and narrowly missed getting head butted as her head whipped up. She grinned and pinched his nose one last time before tearing off into the bedroom, giggling uncontrollably once again. “You little…”

Nick tore off behind her and found her on the other side of the bed, grinning like mad. She stuck her tongue out at him and he huffed as she danced back and forth, singing in a mocking tone, “Neener neener neener!”

He growled and launched himself across the bed, strewing the sheets and comforter in all directions. She yelped and attempted to make a break for it, but he was much too quick for her. He snatched her up and tossed her headfirst back into the pile of bedding, tickling her sides up and down once again with merciless fervor. She laughed riotously, tears streaming down her face as she unsuccessfully tried to push him away. He smirked devilishly, grabbing her arms and pinning them above her head with one hand as he continued on his attack. His raucous laughter echoed loud above her high shrieks and giggles.

---

With her laughter ringing like bells deep within his subconscious, the memory faded, and Nick found himself back in the confines of the hospital once again. He set his chin in his hands and sighed as he looked her over. Her body was still mangled and she looked nothing like the Jill in his memory, but the consistent rise and fall of her chest, like clockwork, helped somewhat to ease the slight tension in his mind.

A small smile played at the corner of his lips as his thoughts went back to Jill’s face while he sang that insipid song, the way her head slightly tilted to one side, the dreamy far-away look in her sparkling blue eyes. Sighing again, Nick rubbed his face and stood to stretch the last few hours out of his overly fatigued body.  

“Hey baby,” he said softly, leaning his arms down on the bedrail next to Jill’s head. He reached over and flipped off the harsh fluorescent overhead light, so that there was now just a faint glow from the bedside lamp. Ever so tenderly, he brushed the back of his knuckles across her cheek. He then leaned over and kissed her forehead lightly as he started to sing softly.

“I tried to go on like I never knew you. I‘m awake, but my world is half-asleep. I pray for this heart to be unbroken, but without you all I‘m going to be is…”  

His voice faltered and the last word came out as a choked sob. He sucked in a deep shuddering breath as he leaned over and kissed her forehead, whispering “I love you, baby, come back to me.”  
 
A slight movement jerked Nick back into his right mind. His eyebrows furrowed as he glanced down at Jill’s hand. It’d been palm down just moments before… hadn’t it? Nick sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face wearily. He must be losing his damn mind. He reached out and gently ran the tip of his finger across Jill’s arm. His eyes widened as she flinched at the mere touch.

“Holy shit.” he whispered, jumping back, crashing into the bedside table.

A young nurse peeked into the room, a look of concern on her face, and asked, “Nick, are you okay?” His mouth opened, trying to find the words to say, and his just pointed at Jill, his face stricken with fear. The nurse frowned and went over. She busied herself for a few minutes, checking and rechecking Jill’s vitals, until she beamed up at Nick. “I think she’s trying to come back to us.”

“What!” he shrieked, voice high. “Seriously?” He heaved a great sigh of relief and gave the nurse a pained look. “So I-I didn’t do anything wrong?”

The nurse laughed and shook her head. “Earlier this morning, the doctor gave us the okay to lighten the sedation. She’s coming around. This is a good thing.” She patted Nick’s arm reassuringly. “We’ll keep a close eye on her and if her vital signs stay like they are now, I’ll give respiratory a call so we can get her off the vent for good.”

Nick watched in shock as the nurse left. For good. He repeated the two words over and over in his mind as the consistent pounding that had plagued him for god knows how long suddenly lessened to a dull roar. His body felt light and airy, as if a ton of bricks had been lifted off his shoulders. She was going to be okay. His baby was coming back to him and everything was going to be as it had before.

He heaved a sigh of relief as contentment washed over his body. He flopped back into the recliner, beaming to himself, as his body slowly relaxed and exhaustion over took him. “For good,” he murmured, eyes falling shut as he drifted into a peaceful rest.

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara (goneplatinum@live.com)
January, 2009

He was a complete mess, both inside and out. Nick sat in the waiting room, surrounded by his friends and a few family members, impatiently shaking his foot and tapping the arm of the chair. The minutes seem like hours and the hours seemed like eternity while they slowly passed by.

"Dude, you need to take a Ritalin or something to calm your ass down," AJ said, placing a calming hand down on Nick's.

Nick shot a confused look at his friend as his realm of insanity was interrupted for a brief second. He scowled and jerked away from AJ. "I'm fine."

He was annoyed that people kept telling him to calm down. How could he calm down? This day was different from the others. More chances were being taken. Jill was due to come off the ventilator in a little less than an hour. The doctor had explained the whole situation to Nick earlier in the day. Jill's condition had improved greatly and they felt it was time she was taken off the vent to get her back to breathing on her own. Complications could arise but the doctor highly doubted it and was very confident in Jill's recovery.

Nick, on the other hand, was worried beyond belief. He trusted the doctor and he could tell that Jill looked much better than a day or two ago but the ‘what if's’ still raced through his mind. He tried to stay positive, to have faith, but the possibility of anything going wrong was more than enough to make his stomach go clear south.

All he wanted was to have Jill back in his arms where she belonged. For all the bruising and tearing to be wiped clean from her perfect, angelic face. For her to open her eyes, flash that soul shattering smile, and hold him until he couldn't breathe anymore. She was his other half. The yin to his yang. She made him complete and without her he was an empty husk of a man.

But to get there they had to take Jill off the ventilator, and the waiting was absolutely excruciating. Nick let out a low groan and rose to his feet, staring at the clock as he willed the hands to go by faster. This was taking forever and with every second that passed by he was growing more and more nervous. What's taking them so long?

He began to pace the length of the room, cracking and bending his fingers nervously. He'd seen episodes of ER and Grey's Anatomy before. He hated watching medical shows but he'd watched enough of them to know that this kind of thing could go into the shitter at any given moment. He paced for a long while, his family and friends knowing better than to interrupt, as he tried to keep himself positive.

He barely looked up as the waiting room door opened and Corinne stepped in. "Nick? The doctor is here, and we're ready."

Nick swallowed thickly and ran a shaky hand through his hair, feeling as though he were on his way to his own execution. He was nervous beyond belief and the most scared he'd ever been in his life. He glanced over at Brian who gave him a hopeful smile and nodded.

"You okay, Nicky?" AJ asked, his voice laced with concern.

Despite the anguish tearing through his stomach and the impulse to scream until he passed out, Nick nodded and took a deep breath. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do this. He took a hesitant step toward the door and banished those thoughts from his mind. He was going to be there for his Jill no matter how scared he was. Lifting his chin and straightening his shoulders, he followed the nurse.

Everything had been explained to him earlier in the day when the doctor had made the decision to take Jill off the ventilator. She had become slightly agitated when she had shown signs of fighting the sedation. Normally, the doctors wouldn't allow any kind of visitors in the room while they were performing this type of procedure, but the doc had felt it would be more beneficial if Nick were there. His presence was to help calm Jill down if she became worked up at all and in general to help the process go by a lot smoother.

Inside Jill's room stood a fleet of random medical personnel from nurses to students to doctors. Nick got another brief summary of the procedure as a whole. Most of the terminology went right over his head as he kept his eyes focused directly on Jill. Her eyelids were fluttering and his nerves settled a little at the small motion. Standing out of the way, he wrapped Jill's hand in both of his as he stared intently down at her face.

"She may fight the tube, so if that does occur, please don't be alarmed," the doctor said as he filled up a plastic syringe with water. He then put the tip of the syringe up to a small tube that branched off the ventilator tubing and injected the solution.

Nick bit his lip as he studied Jill's face. Her eyelashes kept fluttering and suddenly her mouth twitched. Nick's stomach dropped and he gasped as Jill's eyes suddenly snapped open, unfocused as they zipped from side to side in panic.

"Jill, listen to me. I need you to blow as hard as you can," instructed the doctor. "Blow like you're celebrating a birthday and you want to blow all the candles out."

Nick watched as Jill's eyes bounce around and around until they landed on him. His heart leapt as he was caught by her piercing blue gaze. He pressed his lips tightly to her hand, his gaze never leaving hers, as he whispered, "C'mon, baby, you can do it."

Jill blinked at the strange man next to her bed and pursed her lips around the tube. She tried to blow like they told her but a surge of pain flooded through her body. She squeezed her eyes shut as wave upon constant wave beat against her like the high tide of the ocean. Her body went rigid as a sense of total and complete fear gripped her heart and began to squeeze like a vice.

"Jill, I need you to blow out the candles," came a commanding voice.

She opened her eyes, her vision swimming with tears, and tried to concentrate on the faces before her but they only looked like giant blobs. She blinked rapidly, trying to focus, but…she hurt. She hurt a lot.

"Jilly, baby, come on… you're so close," said another voice, this one more familiar. She turned her head, and the wavy figures focused on to the face of her beloved. Nick.

"You can do this," he said, voice choked and laced with hope.

Despite the excruciating pain, Jill took as deep a breath as she could and exhaled hard. She felt as if the contents of her entire body were being pulled up through her throat. Her eyes went wide as the tube finally popped free of her mouth. She took a deep, raking breath and the air rushed back into her lungs. She coughed, over and over again, as her heartbeat throbbed in time with the pounding in her head.

Nick buried his face against his hands clasping hers and sobbed gratefully. She'd done it. She was okay. His Jilly was okay! He swallowed thickly and looked up, tears streaming down his face as he stared up at Jill. "Welcome back," he whispered, pressing a kiss to the palm of her hand. "God, I thought this day would never come."

Jill opened her mouth to speak but the doctor quickly pressed his finger to her chapped lips and shook his head. "No, don't try to speak just yet. Give your vocal chords some time to get used to the tube not being there."

Jill frowned at the doctor and turned her gaze to Nick. She smiled, her face aching with the effort. Nick let out a clipped gasp and grinned as he pressed kisses to her palm and cradled her cheek with his hand. All he could do was murmur words of encouragement and love against her palm as his emotions took over.

After checking the settings on the heart monitor and various other machines, the doctor smiled in approval and put an oxygen mask over Jill's face. "Keep this on, young lady, for at least the next couple of hours." He turned to Nick, who was grinning like the Chesire Cat, and instructed, "If she becomes short of breath or anything, get one of the staff immediately."

Nick nodded numbly. The doctor smiled again and gave Jill's uninjured leg a soft pat before exiting the room, the fleet of students and other doctors close behind. One nurse remained and Jill waved to get Nick's attention. She pointed at her leg and then at the nurse who's back was turned to them.

"Um… I think Jilly's in pain," Nick squeaked, his hand still firmly wrapped around Jill's.

Corinne turned and smiled. "We can remedy that no problem." She went over to one of the many machines near the bed and pressed a button. "This is her pain medication. It's a morphine drip that's set to release whenever this button is pushed but it can only be activated a few times throughout the hour before it automatically shuts off. Push it when she's in pain and I'll be back when it's ready to be changed, okay?"

Nick nodded again, grinning widely. "Thank you, Corinne. Thank you so much!"

Corinne smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "You're welcome." She turned to Jill who stared up at her blankly and offered a soft, reassuring smile. "It's going to be okay, sweetie, you've got yourself one hell of a man taking care of you."

Jill nodded in response and gave a small smile to the strange woman. Her body, once rigid with pain, took on a new sensation, a somewhat odd and tingly feeling. Then, as if a balloon had been punctured and the air slowly leaked out, Jill's tense muscles became limp against the bed. Her world became fuzzy once again and her eyelids dropped, blessed sleep overtaking her body once more.

Nick looked on as the young nurse left the room, his emotions still running rampant. His eyes settled back on Jill and he couldn't help the small snort when a soft snore escaped from her full lips. Carefully he set Jill's hand down and stretched, muscles and bones creaking. He yawned, eyes drooping slightly, and he grinned gratefully. Finally, he would be able to get a decent night's sleep now that he knew Jill would be okay.

Jill stirred and she hummed softly. She opened her eyes, still slightly bleary, and smiled softly over at Nick. "Come up here with me," she croaked, voice rough and hoarse from the after affects of the tube. She patted a spot next to her and tried to scoot her bottom over but she stopped as a few twinges of pain radiated through her mangled leg.

Nick toed his shoes off and lifted back the light blanket to slide between the cool white sheets. The bed was more than big enough for his large body and he turned to lay on his side next to Jill, wrapping his legs around her uninjured one possessively. He laid his head inches away from Jill's and reached up to brush the back of his knuckles across her cheek, careful not to dislodge the oxygen mask.

Jill's eyelids slid shut once more and she mumbled sleepily, "I love you, Nick."

Nick smiled and carefully whisked a few stray curls from her face, tucking them behind her ear. He ran his hand down her neck, fingers skimming over her soft skin, to lay across her heart. He closed his eyes and listened as her heartbeat thumped against the palm of his hand. He pressed a feather light kiss to her forehead and whispered against her soft skin, "I love you too, baby. I love you too."

"Measure Of A Man"
Written by Sara (goneplatinum@live.com)
February Two-Thousand and Nine


The sun was shining brightly, barely a cloud in the deep blue sky; it was as if the world was rejoicing along with him. He smiled to himself as he absentmindedly fingered the red ribbon tied around the rather large bouquet of daisies he’d bought from a street vendor on the way in to the hospital.

Nick whistled a tune, his mood a thousand times better than it had been in nearly a week, as he stepped on to a waiting elevator. He pushed the button for the eighth floor and waited while more people entered the small car, pushing him towards the back.  

The doctors had said the day before, after Jill had been taken off the vent, that if everything remained stable, she’d be discharged in a matter of days. Nothing could have made Nick happier. Although there was still a small tug at his conscience… Jill was  none the wiser on how she’d actually ended up in such a state, and Nick wasn’t sure how or when to lay the news on her. But for the moment, he was going to let the good news trump the reality of it all, and just enjoy his Jill. 

“Hey baby,” He grinned, stepping into the semi-darkened room.  

Jill lay on the bed with her florescent pink casted leg propped up with pillows. A few magazines and random books bought from the gift shop, brought by himself and others, were scattered across the bed as well. The color had returned to her cheeks, although still a bit dim, her deep brown hair was limp without the usual morning preparation but still shone with its usual vibrancy, and the scratches and marks were almost nothing but mere memory.

She glanced up from the magazine she was currently reading and gave him a curious look over the rim of her glasses. Her eyes darkened with concern as she closed the magazine.

“Do I… know you?” she asked hesitantly, pulling up the light blanket to cover her chest and shoulders demurely. She studied his face for a few seconds.“Because I feel like I’ve met or seen you somewhere before…”

Nick stood there with his mouth and eyes open in shock. She doesn’t remember me… what the hell. He knew the doctors had told him there was a chance for slight complications. But for Jill to not remember him at all… that sure as hell wasn’t just a slight complication.

He swallowed over the growing lump in his throat and took a step in Jill’s direction, his face now deeply creased with worry, as he said, “Jilly, it’s me. It’s Nick.”

Then a flicker of realization spread over her face. But, contrary to Nick’s wishes for everything to go smoothly, Jill suddenly let out a high-pitched squeal and covered her mouth with both hands, eyes double their normal size. She managed to point a shaky finger in his direction. “Oh… ohmigod… you’re him! I mean… NICK!” she squealed again. 

Nick’s face instantly fell into a frown. What the hell was going on? His mind raced with a million scenarios, most of them not good, as Jill jiggled around in the bed excitedly, scrabbling for a pen so that he could autograph her cast. She didn’t remember him and now she was squealing and acting like a rabid fan? This was more than a slight complication… it was one hell of a fuck up. On who’s part, Nick had no clue.

He stepped back, body buzzing with nerves, and waved away the pen Jilly had thrust at him. “Whoa, Jilly, wait a second…” He took a deep breath and frowned at her. “What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Jill’s face fell and her hand holding the pen dropped back on to the bed. “Why do you keep calling me Jilly?” she asked, spitting out the nickname as if it had left a bitter taste in her mouth. “My name is Jill. Not Jilly.” She frowned then and peered at him closely as if she had completely forgotten who he was. Again. “And what are you doing in my room?” 

“The hell?” he whispered, running a hand through his hair. His eyes darted around the room before landing back on Jill, who now had her hand on the nurse’s call light.

She showed him her thumb, poised above the red circular button, as if it were more of a threat. “I don’t know why you’re here, but please leave.”  

Feeling as if someone had pulled the rug from under him, Nick was thoroughly confused, but willingly obliged to Jill’s request. He closed the door behind him and instantly made a run for the nearest nursing station, smacking at the laminate-covered counter to get someone‘s attention.  

“Um, can I speak with Jilly… I mean Jillian’s nurse, please?” he asked, his voice almost at a hoarse whisper. Had that really just happened? His mind was reeling from the blow.  

Then a nurse in bright pink scrubs, Jill’s favorite color, came walking up, a smile on her pretty face. She set a lime green clipboard face down on the counter. “How can I help you?” 

“Um, I’m Jill’s b-boyfriend,” he began, voice still shaking. “And I just went in to visit, and it was like she had no friggin clue who I was.”

The nurse’s smile quickly turned to a frown. She then picked up her clipboard and ran a finger down the front page. “Hmm, it seems she’s been alert and oriented all morning long. I-I can’t really explain…” 

“We’ve been together for over three years! And n-now it’s like… she doesn’t even know me,” Nick explained. He could feel the tightness begin at the back of his skull, a full-blown headache that would soon consume him. “She was fine yesterday in the ICU!” 

“What’s your name?” 

He had to pause for a second to even remember his own name. “Nick.” 

“Nick, sometimes patients who’ve had a knock to the head like Jillian have some temporary memory loss. It’s not at all uncommon.” 

That was not the answer he wanted to hear. “Well can’t you run some tests or scan her or something? Give her some kind of medication?” 

The nurse snickered and shook her head. “A scan of any sort wouldn’t show memory loss, I’m afraid. Tell you what, let me go and have a talk with Jillian. See if we can determine what she does and doesn’t remember, okay?” She turned towards the unit secretary. “Sarah, could you please page Dr. McNeal to my phone?” 

Nick stayed at the front desk and watched as the nurse walked down to Jill’s room. He was completely and utterly dumbfounded. It was so surreal that he kept expecting someone… anyone to jump out and yell that it was all a joke. How the hell could Jill not remember him? How could a bump to the head make her forget every moment, every kiss, every word that they had ever shared in the last three years? How the hell was that even possible?

“Would you like a cup of coffee or some ice water?”

Nick’s head snapped up and he focused his overworked mind on the unit secretary who was staring up at him. He shook his head and politely declined the offer before slowly making his way back toward Jill’s room. He’d woken up this morning with newfound hope and it had all come crashing down with Jill’s reaction to him. It was as if his life had been turned, twisted, and shaken all around like some kind of tortuous carnival ride, and all he knew was that he wanted off.

“Hey Nicky Nick. How’s our little patient doing today?” AJ asked as he stepped off the elevator, rubbing his hands together expectantly.

All Nick could manage was a small shrug, his focus never wavering from the tiled floor. He slumped down in a armchair that sat at the end of the hallway and set his pounding head down in his hands.

“What’s going on, is Jilly okay?” AJ tore his gaze from Nick’s forlorn appearance and threw it over to the closed door of Jill’s room. “Did something happen?”

“She… doesn’t… remember me,” He choked out, the realization made his heart stop for a brief second.

“Dude, serious? Sh-she doesn’t remember you at all?”

“She knows I’m a damn Backstreet Boy, but that’s it. I don’t understand,” Nick replied as a sob lodged in his throat. “How could this happen, Bone? After all she’s been through…”

“You know what, just wait here. I think I have an idea,”AJ said. He gave Nick a knowing look before he went over to Jill’s room and knocked lightly on the door.”Jilly?”

“Hey AJ!” She said brightly, a wide smile plastered across her pale face.“Took you long enough to come and visit me, doofus.”

AJ took a cautious step forward, then backed off when he couldn’t immediately think of what he wanted to say. It was almost as if she were two people, like a multiple personality.

“Uh, hey kiddo. How’s the wing?”

“Not bad. The medication makes me a little strange, but for the most part, it works.”

AJ casually glanced out towards the hallway, where he could see Nick pace in front of the elevator bank, wringing his hands and mumbling to himself. AJ bit his lip and reached up to scratch the top of his head as he turned his attention back to Jill, who was still grinning like mad.

“Have you talked to Nick today?” He asked, getting down to business.

“Who?” Jill questioned, her brows knitted in confusion.

“Nick, your boyfriend. Tall, blond, feet about yay big?”

“I-I don’t have a boyfriend.”

Holy shit, she really has no fucking clue who he is. AJ racked his brain for a second.

“B-but you know me, right?”

“Of course, silly. You’re my bestest friend,”Jill smiled cheesily, which made AJ snort with laughter.

“Yes, I am your bestest friend.” He took a seat on the chair opposite the bed and let out a deep sigh. “Do you remember when we first met?”

---

“And next on our stage is 13-year-old Alexander McLean!”

The crowd went wild as a lanky and awkward teenager stepped up to the microphone. He cleared his throat and chuckled nervously as he glanced around the packed auditorium.

“So, uh, Pickles. How are you today?” He asked the blue plush puppet to his immediate right. AJ expertly threw his voice as the conversation between the two began.

Soon, the audience was cracking up at all of his carefully-planned jokes. After about ten minutes on stage, it was time to wrap up, and AJ always closed his acts with a tap dance routine. He motioned to someone off stage, and a lively instrumental came blasting through the speakers. At the end of the song, AJ bowed at the waist and gave a wave before exiting stage right.