Have you ever wondered what it would be like to spend a day in the life of the Backstreet Boys? What it would be like to be part of their inner circle? Maybe even what it would feel like to date one of them or be called a Backstreet girlfriend? Well, I’ve been there and done that and let me tell you, whatever you are thinking, you are probably wrong. Don’t get me wrong though, it has its perks, but it’s not all glitz and glam. From the outside looking in I’ve got the perfect life; more than one amazing house, a number of fancy cars and a fantastic boyfriend who just happens to a member of one of the most popular bands in the world. I have the privileged of jet setting around the world with him and seeing so many amazing places together. And with all the madness that has taken place over these past years I am lucky enough to be blessed with a very close group of good friends that somehow managed to stay my friends through it all.

What could possibly be so bad about all of that? Absolutely nothing! But, it was unquestionably an up hill battle to get to where I am today and everyday is a battle in itself. You’re probably wondering how exactly any this could ever be difficult. Have you ever stopped to think what it really takes to be me? Now, I’m not trying to sound egotistical because trust me, I’m really not anybody special, but sometimes I wonder, why me? I never could fathom how any of the guys in the band handle it everyday. I mean, I just sit on the sidelines watching and yet somehow I end up tangled up in everything, but they are the ones in the spotlight. By now you are probably wondering who the hell I am and why I’m complaining so much about my perfect life! I want you all to really understand who I am and exactly what it takes to live a day in the life of me, and of course the Backstreet Boys. So I’m going to take you back to the very beginning, before there ever was a group we all know so very well today as the Backstreet Boys. Back when I was just a 13 year old girl and I lived across the street from a boy named Nick Carter.

My name is Rhea Grace McKenzie and I grew up in Tampa Bay, Florida. I had lived on the same street my whole life and nothing exciting ever happened, until the day Nick Carter and his family decided to move into the house right across from me. I was 13 years old and about to embark on the adventure of my life. You see, the day I met Nick Carter all those years ago, everything changed. It didn’t all happen at once of course, but if you would have told me exactly what I was in store before I made those fateful steps up to his front door that day, I may not have ever rang his doorbell in the first place. But I did, and that is where my story begins.

Nick and I hit it off right away. He was only a year older than me and glad to gain a new friend in town. At first we did normal things any friends do. We hung out at each others houses watching movies and playing video games. We would go see movies and hang out at fast food restaurants. We attended the local High School and it seemed like we were spending every second we could together. I didn’t know it at the time but looking back, I think Nick was trying to do as many normal things as he could before he took off for stardom.

It was only about three months after I had met Nick and we had formed such a great bond that he revealed to me why he had moved to town in the first place. He had landed a gig in new singing group and they had been working on getting the group going this whole time. At first I was shocked when he told me because I had absolutely no idea any of this was going on and I was sure Nick told me everything so I was a little hurt that there was something he was hiding from me. But on the other hand I understood why that could have been something he was nervous to tell me, or anyone for that matter, considering there weren’t many boy bands around at that time. Nick had told me before he could sing and he had a couple times in front of me but I was still surprised that he enjoyed it enough to actually peruse something professional with it.

I didn’t have much time to process the whole situation because soon Nick was telling me he wanted me to meet the other guys that were in the group with him. I remember that day very well! It was a Saturday and Nick’s Dad dropped us off at a recording studio. The guys were already in the process of recording their first album and had some work to do. Nick had been asking me for a while to come by the studio because he wanted me to see him in “action” as he liked to call it. I was really starting to understand why Nick was so excited about the group. He really did love singing and it seemed like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders once he told people about everything he was doing. It seemed like he was really proud of himself and the group. I just hoped that he didn’t get hurt or disappointed somewhere along the way.

He hadn’t told me much about the other guys in the group except that they were all really nice and that were almost like his older brothers. I knew they were all older than Nick but needless to say when I saw the other four guys walk up to meet us I was thrown for another loop. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about what they might look like but I definitely wasn’t expecting this. My first thought was that these five guys couldn’t be any more different! And that didn’t seem like a good thing considering in a group you are supposed to mesh. But I didn’t want to jump to conclusions and Nick seemed to think that they were a great match so it couldn’t be that bad right?

Kevin was the first one to introduce himself and I was a little nervous at that point considering he was almost 10 years older than me! But he was really nice and after a while I learned that he really was like an older brother just like Nick had said. Next was Howie and from my first impression he seemed like the one least fit into the group but I was quickly proven wrong when I saw just how well he got along with the other guys. Then there was Alex. Back then he wasn’t referring to himself as AJ yet so meeting Alex wasn’t as intimidating as you might think. Actually, I don’t think he even had one tattoo yet! A couple piercing yes but from first glance he looked like a normal guy. That was until he decided to open his mouth and throw me some cheesy pick up line. I think he said something like “Hey, doll. You got any milk, because I could do you’re body good” while dramatically looking me up and down. He was quickly scolded by Kevin to knock it off and apologized by saying “I’m only playing, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you” followed by, “good job Nicky” and giving him a pat on the back. I think Nick’s face turned about three shades red in a second. I just laughed it all off. That was my first sign of what I was in store for with Alex. Finally I met Brian and this is where my story begins to get complicated. I bet you never would have guessed but Brian and I actually had a really strong connection back in the day. Of course we still do today, but the moment I saw him walk through that studio door I was in for. He was beautiful. Or at least that was the first thing that popped into my fifteen year old head. At the time he was nineteen and I officially had my first crush.

I bet you thought that this story was going to be your typical boy meets girl, girl falls in love with boy, boy leaves, they meet years later and eventually live happily ever after right? And I bet you thought that boy was going to be Nick all along too. Not quite so simple. Back then, Brian was it for me. He made me laugh, all the time, he was really easy to talk to and we ended up spending a lot of time together because he and Nick became really good friends and of course Nick and I were also good friends. A few months went by and I began to realize that Brian and I were starting to spend more time alone together. I don’t know if it was coincidence or if he somehow planned it but I didn’t mind at all. It was only about three months after I had met the guys that Brian and I shared our first kiss. Actually it was my first kiss ever and it was perfect. We had never really talked about liking each other as more than friends, it was always insinuated. But the day Brian kissed me verified everything. If only it were that easy. You see, Brian was four years older than me which might not seem so bad except for the fact that I was only fifteen at the time. As much as Brian and I liked each other, something about the relationship didn’t seem right because of the age difference. But there was no denying that we had a connection so we pushed aside our worries and decided to try a relationship. Looking back I think we were doomed from the start. We had chosen to keep the relationship a secret because we were afraid of what everyone might think. Deep down I knew it was wrong to hide it but I also knew it was probably wrong to be together too. So for the next three months we found time to be together and for the first time I was really happy.

That was until the group got notice that the album was almost finished. Everyone was beyond excited. I was so happy for the guys to be doing something they all clearly loved so much and the prospect of it actually turning into something was exciting for everyone. And then reality started to sink in. Management had told to guys that if the album did what they predicted it would then the guys needed to prepare themselves because they were about to take off. They would be touring the world and promoting the group with live performances, interviews, radio, everything they could have ever hoped to do and more! I was so happy for them and crushed at the same time. What did that mean for me? I had become such great friends with all the guys, especially Brian and now I had to deal with the fact that they were leaving. I was going to be loosing some of my best friends, not to mention my boyfriend.

The next few weeks were torture for me. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was all so bittersweet. The guys had officially named the group the Backstreet Boys after having had a lunch meeting at a small restaurant called the Backstreet Market. It was during this meeting that they learned of all the new adventures they would be embarking on so it only seemed fitting. They were flying high on excitement and adrenalin of what was to come in their future and there I was watching it all unfold before my eyes, impossible to do anything. On the outside I held it together. I put on a fake smile and continued to give the guys my love and support while on the inside I was falling apart at the seams. I knew the day would come when they would get on a plane and take off on their amazing journey together and I would be left behind to watch from a distance as they sky rocketed to fame. My biggest fear was that I would be forgotten and I would have my heart broken by five guys that I had come to know and love in such a short period of time.

I was now sixteen and the Backstreet Boys were just about to head out on their journey, starting with an international tour in Germany. Everything had happened so fast as my mind continued to reel with thoughts and worries of what was going to come in the next few days. Brian and I had not really talked about what was going to happen to us once he left but I knew it was next to impossible at this point in his life to somehow manage to carry on a long distance relationship with a girl he really shouldn’t even be with in the first place.

The guys were going to be shooting the first video off their album and had asked me to be in the video. I was a little surprised that were still thinking about me in all of their crazy adventures but I was happy to accept. The day was so much fun and I got my first glimpse of what their world was about to become. Seeing all five of them standing there in matching outfits, singing together and making a video, really solidified to me that this was it. I knew right at that moment that they were going to be big. I could have never predicted in that moment exactly how big they would eventually get but I knew they were going to be something.

Later that day Brian pulled me aside for the much needed talk we had been waiting for. He told me that he had told the guys about us and had suggested that I go on tour with them. To say I was shocked is an understatement. I thought for sure that Brian was going to break up with me but instead he was asking me on tour. However my initial excitement quickly faded when I realized what this meant. He told the guys about us! Now instead of being afraid of a break up I was afraid of what the guys were going to think of me. Brian told me that they were not very happy with the idea of us being together and that it probably wasn’t a good idea so early into their career to have me tagging along. I couldn’t blame them. They had no idea what they were in store for and I didn’t want to interfere in any way. Brian and I agreed that it was best if we called it quits for now. He told me he would always love me and that if things were going good on the tour he would love for me to come visit him at some point. I was also relieved to hear that the other guys felt the same way and wanted me to come see them once the tour kicked off. Of course I was upset that Brian and I were over but I knew deep down that I wasn’t loosing him or any of other guys forever so I would be okay.

I had been feeling like I was becoming more distant from Nick ever since I had gotten together with Brian and I didn’t want him to leave thinking something was wrong between us. The day before he left we ended up going to one of our favorite ice cream shops in town to talk. I had always felt really comfortable around Nick and I could never thank him enough for introducing me to the rest of the guys. If it weren’t for him I would have never met Brian. I asked how he felt about Brian and I and surprisingly he said he was okay with it. He was more upset that we had hid it from everyone but he did admit that if we had been open it probably would have weird between him I since two of his best friends were dating. But we couldn’t change the past and I was glad the he and I were able to sort things out and get back to where we were as friends right from the very beginning.

The day they left was hard for everyone. I cried like a baby when it came time for them to board the plane. I gave them all a big hug and kiss on the cheek and wished them luck, even though I knew they didn’t need it. It was really difficult saying goodbye to Brian because I had a feeling that after he left things would never be the same between us. We had left our relationship open knowing we both still cared for each other very much but I knew even if the timing ever was right again that it probably wouldn’t work. We had left on good terms and I cherished my friendship with Brian more than anything in the world. Leaving Nick was almost as hard. He and I had a bond that we just couldn’t deny. I knew our friendship would last forever, I just hoped that the next time I saw him he would be the same person I was watching walking onto that plane. I hoped all of them stayed the same.

After the guys left I took some time to figure out what the hell I was supposed to do now that I they were gone. I mean, I had just spent the last year and half of my life surrounded by these guys and now all of a sudden I was standing on my own. I had just finished High School and nearing seventeen, I had no idea what to do with my life. Can you imagine being stuck in a rut and knowing some of your best friends are somewhere halfway across the world launching themselves into stardom and there you are sitting on the couch in your PJ’s trying to figure out what makes you happy? Let me tell you, it’s not fun.

I had always had a passion for writing so I decided to enroll myself in a local college and take some journalism classes to see how it went. Well it ended up going great; I loved every minute of it. I was so relieved and happy to have finally found something that I enjoyed so I put all my time energy into my writing. It helped me take my mind off the guys and I was learning that writing was actually a really good therapy outlet. Everything that I had been keeping bottled up inside I could put on paper and turn into really amazing stories.

I was finding myself fully engrossed in my schooling when one day out of the blue I got a phone call I will never forget. It was Brian and he and the guys wanted me to come see them on tour sometime in the next few weeks. I was surprised by his call since I hadn’t heard from any of the guys since they left. At the beginning I waited around the phone day and night hoping to hear anything, even if it was just a “Hey I’m busy, I’ll call later”. But no calls ever came, so I moved on content with believing that no phone call meant they were probably too busy being stars, and that made me happy. But hearing Brian’s voice brought back so many memories and I found myself feeling giddy at the thought of seeing them again. I quickly agreed and made my plans to meet the guys the next week in Europe. I don’t know if I was more excited to be seeing them or to be going to freaking Europe but either way I was flying high anticipating my trip. Little did I know what I was in store for as I boarded the plane that was about to take me on the next journey of my life.

Arriving in Europe I felt like I was about burst at the seams. I met Q from security who filled me in one what the guys were doing that day and how I would fit into that picture. It was pretty overwhelming to suddenly be thrown into the whirl wind otherwise known as a tour. Everything around me seemed to be moving a hundred miles a minute. As we arrived at the hotel I was completely taken aback by the swarms of girls waiting outside the hotel. I had no idea they were waiting for the guys until I asked Q who was staying here and he laughed “We are”! Amazed that all these people would be here for my friends I was anxious to get inside and find out first hand from them what the hell I had been missing. I had been trying to keep up on their career as much as I could be back in the States but there wasn’t much buzz for boy bands yet and it was difficult to get any information on what was happening here. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that their album had already gone gold. That was the most amazing news I heard about them so far. But it only got better. They were selling out shows left and right and had fans following them everywhere they went. They even needed personal security guards! I couldn’t have asked for more for them. To think that all this was happening and not even a year ago we were all sitting in a recording studio making up stories about what they hoped would happen for them in the future. Let me just say that none of those stories even compared to what I was experiencing that day.

However, my excitement quickly faded when I was finally ushered into their hotel room. I was shocked to find the guys sprawled out a couple beds completely passed out. I looked over at Q with a questioning look and he informed me that the guys hadn’t gotten in until about three hours ago and had been up since 6am the previous day. I couldn’t believe it! I expected to walk into the room and see the guys hanging out chatting and laughing about all that they had accomplished and then rush up to give me hugs and gush about it all. But here they were utterly exhausted! I wasn’t sure what to do so I decided it would be best to let them rest but as I was putting down my suitcase Kevin must have heard me and started to wake up. I encouraged him to go back to sleep but being the persistent guy he is wouldn’t think twice about leaving me alone while I was there to visit them. Immediately he started to wake up the other guys much to my dismay as he came over to give me the biggest hug I could have ever asked for. It was then as the guys were rousing from their sleep that I got my first good look at them again and I was surprised to see how much they had changed. I mean yes they had been gone for almost a year and I’m sure I had changed too but I guess I hadn’t really expected it.

I instantly realized that Nick had changed the most. He was so much taller and looked like he could have easily been three years older. Alex, now sporting some of his first tattoos, was starting to show signs of his gradual change into the “bad boy” image most people know him by. Howie had a new hairdo but for the most part seemed like same “Sweet D” I knew and loved. Kevin hadn’t changed very much and the second I looked at Brian I knew I could have picked him out of a crowd. But the biggest change I noted in them all was how worn down they all looked and that concerned me. Here they were looking completely drained when they should have been enjoying every last minute of this.

It didn’t take them long to perk up though and start telling me all the crazy stories they already had from the road. Even though they were tired, I could tell they were having the time of their life. And I could see a sparkle in all of their eyes that reassured me that they were happy. And that was all I could ask for. Brian and I were able to find some time alone and he reminded me how much he cared for me. It was then that we finally brought closer to our relationship and agreed we were so much better off as friends. I will always care for Brian and I am so glad that he was first person I ever loved and I know that he and I will share a special place in each others hearts always. Nick and I wasted no time falling back into our old ways too. It’s always so easy with him to just be myself. He really opened up to me during my visit telling me how he felt lonely sometimes and missed having me around. I knew it had to be tough to be on the road all alone. The guys had each other but sometimes they would get sick of each other and just needed family and friends around to make it all a little easier. I was glad to know that Nick wanted to lean on me in his time of need and I was ready and willing to be his shoulder to cry on. He made a promise to me during that visit that no matter what, he would always find time to call me at least once a week so that our friendship stayed strong. And I am happy to say that he fully lived up to his word and still calls me whenever he is on tour to this day, usually more than once a week to might I add.

I was so glad that the guys were doing so well with the Backstreet Boys and I hoped that if their success was this good over seas that it would take off in the States too. But for now we were all happy to live in the moment and take in everything we could. By some miracle the guys actually had a day off while I was visiting and Nick, Brian and AJ (as he was referring to himself now) wanted to take me sightseeing. We had come across some athletics center and Nick and Brian wanted to head in to see what kind of sports they had. AJ and I decided to check out some the stores they had just a few blocks away. I had always had a great time hanging out with AJ. We could really relate to a lot of things from our screwed up families to our passion for shopping! AJ was always so witty and I loved his sarcastic humor but most of all I loved how caring he was. I never really understood why he was so determined to transform into the “bad boy” when quite frankly that was literally the opposite of who he really was. If I ever needed someone to talk to and I didn’t feel comfortable telling Nick or Brian, I knew AJ was only a step away. He always had the best advice to give and was never judgmental.

It was during that afternoon with AJ that I started to realize that maybe I felt more deeply for him than just friendship. I was nearing nineteen, had a pretty good idea of what I wanted to do with my life and I had finally moved on from Brian. I felt like I was ready for another relationship but I was hesitant to start something with another friend. I was lucky to have ended things so well with Brian and I knew that it might not always work out so smoothly. But there was something about AJ that just drew me in and I couldn’t help but find myself falling fast for him. He must have sensed a change in my behavior towards him because soon he was asking if I was okay. I felt like I should distance myself from him and chose to head back to the hotel leaving him behind, probably feeling just as confused as I was.

Later that day AJ somehow managed to corner me alone and was very persistent in finding out what was wrong with me. I thought that if I could hold in my feelings until I got home then maybe they would go away by the time I saw him again. But I never got the chance find out if that would have worked because next thing I knew AJ was kissing me in an empty hallway of the hotel. At first I was surprised. I wasn’t sure what kind of signals I was giving off but I thought I had done a pretty good job at covering up my feelings. I guess not because soon AJ was telling me he felt the same way too. I was scared at first to let it go any further than just one kiss but there was no denying the attraction I had for him so the next thing I knew AJ I were on our way to becoming a couple. Now I bet you never saw that one coming either right? Trust me, it kind of threw me for a loop too but for the next two years I was so happy with AJ I couldn’t complain. That’s right, Alex and I dated for over two years and it was great! We made the long distance work for us. I actually think that if we had a normal relationship it probably wouldn’t have lasted as long. When we were together sparks flew. Our relationship was based on so much passion. You know the phrase “Leave and keep him coming back for more”? Well that was us. I would visit as much as I could and when I did, there was fire, and just when it was getting to be too hot, I would leave. We would have our cool down period and then it would start all over again. Eventually I think the fire would have consumed us if we didn’t get away from each other and probably would have destroyed us. But I won’t ever know how it really should have ended like, or even if ever should. You know when I said my life is never easy. Well this is where it starts to get really complicated.

By now the Backstreet Boys were nearing the Black and Blue era of their career and had obviously turned into the massive pop group that we all know and love today. They were at the peek of it all and flying high. One quite a bit higher than the others. Over the years all of the guys had gone through changes and it had been tough on each one of them to some degree or another. Kevin had married Kristen, Brian had married Leighanne and Howie was more than happy with his long time girlfriend Leigh. I couldn’t have been more happy for all of them and it was nice for me to have three more amazing friends that I could actually do things with that didn’t involve belching the alphabet or watching Sci-Fi movies all night. Nick had had his fair share of women over the years too and I was just happy that our friendship was able to last through all that because I’m not one to keep my mouth shut about which ones I didn’t exactly care for. But Nick made it clear to all of them that I was his friend and I wasn’t going anywhere so they needed to deal with it. Which I have to say is a very grown up thing for Nick to do but that was just one more reason why I loved his so much.

Now by this time in their career all the guys had been given many opportunities to experiment with drugs and alcohol. Of course some of them dabbled a little bit here and there but from my perspective it was always under control. By now, Alex and I had been on such a rollercoaster in our relationship but we always managed to pull through. Until I began to notice more serious changes in him and then I began to worry. Everyone knew that AJ loved to drink but he always made it seem like he had it under control. But during the Black and Blue tour was when I started to notice little things like a bottle of half empty whisky hidden in his dressing room before a show or finding the mini fridge completely empty only hours after a show. The turning point came one night after a show in Detroit when AJ approached me in our hotel room and offered my cocaine. Up until then I knew he loved to drink but I had no idea he was doing drugs. I don’t know if I was more upset that the man I loved had suddenly turned into a whole new person in my eyes, one I didn’t like very much anymore might I add, or that he was actually trying to pull me in with him. I tried to reason with him and find out why he was doing this and how he got to this point but he wouldn’t listen and took off. I spent that whole night worrying about him and angry him at the same time. I also started to blame myself that I didn’t see the signs earlier considering I was his girlfriend. And then I began to feel upset that maybe I wasn’t good enough for him; that he needed more than just me and his friends. I felt so lost that I did the only thing I thought was right. I turned to the one person I felt could fix this – Kevin. He showed up seconds later with the other guys hot on his heels. Nick instantly came to console me while we all talked about what we could do to help AJ.

Early the next morning AJ returned, more than drunk and wasted no time in kicking me out of his room. The next thing I knew I was in the mix of a full on confrontation, mainly between Kevin and AJ while the rest of us stood by helplessly watching. It was only a matter of minutes until Kevin had broken down the door after a forceful screaming match between the two had ensued. Many hurtful words were exchanged and once the breaking point had been reached, AJ gave up exhausted stating he was done with the group. I watched someone I loved so much fall to the floor in a heap, crying sobs of guilt and anger and anything else he had bottled up inside. I was completely helpless to do anything but watch as the future of AJ’s life, my relationship with him and the Backstreet Boys as a whole hung in the distance.

After a few tense hours passed by I was beyond relieved when Alex finally agreed to go to rehab but I knew things for everyone had changed. After sobering up he and I sat down to have a talk about what had happened. He didn’t tell me much claiming he was ashamed of how far it gone and that he didn’t know if he could every get his life back. At that moment, without hesitation, I vowed to stay by his side every step of the way and help him succeed in any way possible. I knew that deep down inside of him was the Alex I knew and loved. The same one I met all those years ago. He had built up a shell around him to keep himself protected from everything and in the process lost himself along the way. But I was determined to make sure that that didn’t get the better of him. It was a bittersweet day when AJ entered rehab. He apologized to everyone for all the he had done and for making everyone go through this. I don’t know if AJ really knew how many people he had standing behind him that day but I’d like to hope that we were just a small part in the steps he started to make after that.

AJ successfully completely rehab and I began to see a glimpse of the old Alex I so desperately hoped to get back. I visited him during his rehab and got a new look into his life that I could have never imagined existed. We shared so many things during that time that will always remain sacred to AJ an I. During his rehab we were all unsure of the future. The Backstreet Boys took a short break to give AJ time to recover and Alex and I turned a new page in our relationship. We had literally made it past the darkest part of our relationship in every sense of the word. But the hardest part was still ahead. Aj had a heart to heart with the rest of the guys so they could decide what they would do now. Not only was the Backstreet Boys in danger but so were their friendships. A lot of harsh words had been said between them and there were still many gaps that needed to be mended before they could ever make it work again. To this day I don’t know how we all managed to pull through but we all persevered. The Backstreet Boys returned to finish a sold out Black and Blue tour and AJ continued to grow. Even though he did relapse one time over those next few years, Alex has managed to fight his demons and turned into the amazing man he is today. I was so lucky to get back the caring and compassionate Alex I knew from way back when, I would like to think that he is just as amazing, if not more today.

Unfortunately, not everything goes the way we plan. You see, Alex and I were just starting to turn a new page our life together and I truly believe were both happier than we had ever been. We were nearing the two year point of our relationship and the Backstreet Boys had decided to take some time off to recuperate after having spent the last eight years touring the world. Brian and Leighanne announced that they were expecting their first child which brought tears to my eyes because I knew how much of a great Dad Brian was going to be. Nick had decided to work on a solo album, which all the guys supported. Kevin and Howie wanted to spend time with family and AJ was focusing on his sobriety. Over the years I had somehow managed to stay focused on my passion for writing and had been working at a PR firm in California. Alex had just recently bought a house in Cali right near Nick so we were able to spend a lot of time together. Everything was going so well for everyone that I did not see the next curve ball life was about to throw me.

It had been about six months since the Backstreet Boys had decided to take a break and all the guys were getting a little antsy to see each other again so we all arranged a get together for a weekend to catch up. Brian and Leighanne, Kevin and Kristin and Howie and Leigh were all flying into Cali for five days. I was excited to see them again and I knew AJ was too. One night after going to dinner we all gathered at Alex’s place to just hang out. The guys had managed to challenge each other to a game of poker so the girls decided to chat in the kitchen and leave the boys to be. I was having a blast hanging out with my girls. And there was even a new addition to our little clan. Nick had been seeing a girl named Chrissie for about four months and had invited her to our get together. I assumed she must have been pretty serious for him to introduce her to all of us, and at one time no less. I could tell she was a little overwhelmed by it all but I had been in her shoes once before so I knew how she felt. All in all she seemed like a nice girl.

It had been about an hour and we could hear the guys getting pretty worked up over the poker game they had going on. I decided it was time for a break and figured what guy doesn’t love beer so in I walked with a six pack of beer and a bag of chips. But what I found took me completely off guard. The guys were so engrossed in their game to even realize I had come in the room. It was the quintessential image of a guy’s night. All five of them were huddled around the table, cards and poker chips were strew everywhere and what looked to big a very large sum of money had been piled in the centre of the table. Nick and Alex were smoking which meant the game had to pretty intense because Nick only ever smoked when he was pissed off or really needed to relax. Every moment that passed their voices seemed to rise a little more. I could tell Howie was bluffing by the look on his face and just soon as I had thought so he folded his cards. Brian was very clam, as usual and looked on with an amused smile before throwing in his cards as well. Kevin took a second to contemplate his move before forfeiting his turn. It was down to Nick and AJ and if I was betting my life on it this was not going to end well. Both of them were stubborn as a mule. I knew this was too much to pass up so instead of approaching I leaned against the wall to watch on with a small smirk on my face. That might have been my biggest mistake ever.

You see, as the years had gone by Nick and I always seemed to remain great friends. I would even say he was probably my best friend out of them all. We always seemed to have this special bond that I could never really explain. And it had never crossed that friendship line which I was grateful for. Although, from the beginning I was with Brian and not long after that I ended up with AJ so there wasn’t really any time to consider being any more than friends. And that’s not to say I wasn’t happy with AJ because I was. We had made it through so many things together and he never ceased to amaze me everyday. So why was it that at that moment, I felt a sudden attraction to Nick? There he was, sitting with such an intense expression on his face, a cigarette in one hand, cards in the other and smirking every time he took a glance at the cards and then back up to AJ. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a casual shirt with the first few buttons undone showing just a hint of chest. His hair was disheveled but in a way that you knew he took time to get it just right. And when he caught me standing in the doorway his blue eyes seemed to pierce right through me. I had to stop myself from starring and mentally kicked myself for even considering such thoughts when I knew very well Nick would only ever be my friend. Not to mention the fact that one of his best friends, who just happened to be my boyfriend, was sitting in the very same room not a foot away from us.

I decided now was a good time to interrupt as I walked up to the table informing the boys their game had gone on long enough and it was time to call it a night. AJ whined that they were in the heat of the moment and to give them more time while Nick just looked up at me with a devious little smirk and a glint in his eyes. I would dare say that at that moment I too was caught up in the heat of the moment but it definitely did not involve a poker game. I had to once again stop myself from starring too long back at Nick and encouraged that they finish the game and start paying us girls some attention. He reluctantly agreed and threw his cards down to reveal his hand. Nick to a quick glance over and with a loud “HA” triumphantly showed his winning hand. The guys then began cleaning up the game all while AJ pouted, adamant that Nick had somehow cheated. I couldn’t help but laugh at them feeling somewhat proud of how far they had all come together and everything they had overcome. As I headed back to the kitchen I took a quick glance back at the guys only to find myself starring directly into Nick’s eyes once again. It was then I realized that that there may be a few more things we are going to have to overcome before all was said and done.

I’m not sure why or how I ever began feeling attracted to Nick but one thing I was sure of was that he felt the same way. It was becoming very obvious to me that every time we were together something was different. It was like I felt a spark every time he walked in the room. I would catch his eye and I just couldn’t help not looking away. From the very first day I met Nick I knew we had a special connection but I could never put my finger on it. Now after all this time I was starting to realize that maybe it was there all along. Maybe what I felt for Nick was always more than friendship and I never wanted to pursue it because what he and I had was far to special to ruin with a relationship. But I also knew that it was getting harder and harder to deny that something was changing between Nick and I and it wouldn’t be long until we couldn’t avoid it any more.

That day ended up coming sooner than I had thought. I had just got home from a long day at work and I knew that AJ had plans for the night with some buddies so I had decided that I was going to have some quality “me time” and relax with a nice bath and curl up the couch. But my plans quickly changed when none other than Nick Carter arrived at my door only minutes after I had got home. I wasn’t too surprised to see him since he had just stopped by before but when he asked if we could talk I knew something was up. It wasn’t like Nick to want to voluntarily have a talk unless you forced it out of him so naturally I was worried something was wrong. He must have noticed the concern on my face because he quickly assured me everything was okay, for the most part. I didn’t have time to question him because the next thing I knew he was kissing me. At first I tried to push him away but his grasp on me was too tight and I couldn’t help but myself when I suddenly starting to melt into the kiss. I felt something spark inside me that I had never felt before. Not even with AJ. And then it hit me! I pushed Nick away as hard as I could and put my hand up to my lips. They tingled in a way I had never felt before and I could hear my heart beating fast in my ears. I was feeling such a rush when reality started to sink in; that as good as it felt kissing Nick, I couldn’t do that to AJ.

I loved AJ, I really did. But in that moment I was finding it harder and harder to think about him when I had Nick standing in front of me pulling me in with his eyes. As soon as words came back to me a quickly asked Nick what he was doing. He seemed just as torn as I did but that didn’t stop him from revealing how he felt about me. To hear the words coming from him made it so much more real. We stumbled through our words trying to make sense of what was happening between us but no real good explanation could be found. All we knew was that there was an undeniable attraction that had probably being building for a long time and in that moment we couldn’t stop the feelings we had for one another.

When I woke up the next morning lying beside Nick a rush of emotions ran through me. I was happy to see that he was still there and I liked the feeling of waking up beside him. The night before, we couldn’t hold back any longer and Nick and I ended up sleeping together. As much as I hated what I had done to AJ, in that moment I can’t say I regretted what we had done. I had never experienced anything in my life like what I had with Nick that night. And it turns out he felt the same way too because it was next to impossible to imagine him leaving that day knowing I might never be with again. But he assured me he didn’t want it to end either; he wanted to be with me. There was just one problem that stood in our way - Alex. Nick had already broken up with Chrissie but Alex was a whole other story. We had been friends for so long, had been together as a couple for almost two years and on top of all that, my biggest fear was that this would him hurt enough to make him relapse and I did not want to be responsible for that. I also knew that I was going to hurt AJ enough by telling him that I cheated on him period. But when he found out that it was with Nick, I had no idea how he would react. And then I feared for the group again. How were they ever going to be able to work together again with this hanging between them? Just when I was starting to realize the extent of what I had done, what Nick and I had done, I was suddenly faced with the consequences of my actions the moment I heard AJ pounding at my door.

Nick had called AJ that morning after he left to tell him about everything that had happened and it wasn’t long before AJ arrived at my place. I was surprised when I opened the door and found AJ with tears streaming down his face. In all honesty, I think it would have been so much easier if he had stormed through door waving his hands around and screaming at me because then I would have gotten what I deserved. But instead he stood there completely calm with the exception of the tears that poured down his face. He looked utterly devastated and I couldn’t stop myself from breaking down with him. For a long time we sat in silence just crying in each others arms until he finally whispered “Why”? I truly didn’t know why. I tried to explain everything as best as I could, considering I was still trying to wrap my brain around it myself. He was hurt and angry and I didn’t blame him when he told me he didn’t want to speak to me for a while until he figured things out. I was actually surprised he didn’t tell me to just fuck off. So I gave him the space he and I both needed. I only talked to Nick once to tell him that I needed space from him too until I figured things out with AJ and that we would figure things out between us afterwards. He seemed a little disappointed but understood. He and AJ had a lot to work out too before anything would be right again.

The next few weeks were torture for me while I waited to hear from AJ. I felt horrible about what had happened and I was desperately hoping he would forgive me. It was almost three weeks before I finally heard from him again. He told me that he had thought a lot about everything and had spoken to Nick already and as much as it hurt him, if Nick was going to make me happy then he was okay with it. I knew he really wasn’t okay with it but that was AJ for you, he cared about me so much that he was willing to put my happiness before his. I asked to see him, for which he reluctantly agreed. We spent the next few weeks trying to mend our broken friendship. I knew how hard it was for me so I couldn’t even begin to imagine what Alex was feeling. I had made the decision to not see Nick until I was sure AJ and I had mended our bridges. My friendship with AJ meant so much to me at the time that I couldn’t even think about starting something with Nick unless I knew that AJ was going to be okay. About 3 months later I finally got the reassurance I needed when AJ told me he had started seeing someone else. I was happy for him that he was moving on with his life but I still couldn’t deny that it hurt a little knowing that I was never going to be that girl in his life anymore, even though we assured each other we were still going to be good friends.

It had been almost six months since Nick and I had hooked up and although we spoke every once in a while I was beginning to wonder if he still felt the same way I did. I knew that there was something between Nick and I and I was ready to find out exactly what that was. I was content that AJ had moved on and that we were in a good place in our friendship again. He had assured me that he and Nick worked things out too and that I shouldn’t keep Nick waiting any more. I took his advice and let Nick know we needed to figure things out. So on August 10, 2004 Nick Carter and I went out on our first date. I think it really was a long time coming because from that day on we were inseparable. It was like we literally picked up right where we left off and it felt like no time had ever gone by. I always said I knew that there was something between Nick and I from the first day I met him but it wasn’t until we were finally able to be together with no strings attached that I realized exactly what it was between us. It was love. There’s just something about Nick that draws me to him. I can be whoever I want to be with him and he always loves me just the way I am. There’s no pressure and I’m never unsure. It comes so easily for us and in some ways I think we were always meant to be together, it just took us some time figure it out.

So you’re probably still wondering why I would think my life is so hard to deal with everyday right? Well as most of you probably know, in the summer of 2005 the Backstreet Boys returned from their much needed break and released the album Never Gone. It came at a good time for everyone and I saw that little sparkle in all their eyes return when it came time to embark on another world tour. Brian and Leighanne had welcomed Baylee into their lives and into our “Backstreet Family”. Howie and Leigh were discussing the idea of getting married soon and Kevin and Kristen were talking about having a family of their own. Nick and I had been going strong for almost a year and AJ had been dating trying to “get back in the game” as he liked to say. Everyone was ecstatic to be starting the next journey together but it wasn’t quite so easy for me.

Nick and I had always managed to stay friends while he had toured in the past but we had never been a couple back then either. Alex and I somehow made it work but we strived off of the up and down rollercoaster a tour brings. Nick and I were doing really good together and I was worried that the tour might be our first bump in the road. But as always Nick managed to convince me that we would make it work, so there we were flying back and forth to see each other whenever we could, and racking up a pretty hefty phone bill in the process. Everything seemed to be going well until suddenly people started to recognize my face and questions were being asked as to who I was. It’s not uncommon for fans to follow the guys around to the hotel and of course there are always groups of girls waiting at the venues when the buses pull up so I knew it would only be a matter of time before they started asking who I was. I mean, I spent enough time on the tour and I was sure I was starting end up in a few photos, but I really wasn’t prepared for what was about to be thrown at me next.

The fans had obviously grown up over time and were starting to realize that the guys were just normal people with normal lives. And eventually they came to accept Leighanne, Kristen and Leigh but now here I was a new face in the group and I was dating Nick, who just happened to be one of the more loved Backstreet Boys. Needless to say it wasn’t exactly a warm reception. Automatically I was labeled for dating a Backstreet Boy. I was called a slut and bitch and pretty much every other nasty word you could label a girl. I didn’t understand how these girls could be so mean to me when they didn’t even know who I was! They assumed that since I was dating a Backstreet Boy all I wanted was his money or I was with him so I could be famous and launch my own career. Did anybody ever stop to think that maybe I was with him because I loved him?

I tried to not let it get to me. I kept telling myself that they didn’t know me. They didn’t know our history or how we got together. And then I had to remind myself that we didn’t exactly get together in the best way. But that didn’t change the fact they had no right to judge me. And after a while it started to take a toll on my relationship with Nick. I started to second guess myself and wonder if I really was good enough for him. And the next thing I knew I was starting to pull away from him. I don’t know if it was really because of what the fans were saying or if we were just in a point in our relationship where I naturally started to question our future. It took a lot of convincing but Nick finally made me believe that he loved me no matter what anyone else said and that he wasn’t going anywhere. He proved this to me by asking me to marry him on national television in front of a lot of fans. I was flabbergasted. I seriously did not see it coming considering Nick was sort of like the poster child for anti-marriage campaigns. I had never really thought about marriage too much myself so when he asked me to join him and the guys on stage so they could sign me happy birthday and instead found him down on one knee with a ring box in hand my jaw dropped. I think you could almost hear a pin drop as everyone went silent. There was no denying that I loved Nick and I knew we were meant to be together so the answer came naturally as the word “Yes” slipped out of my lips. I had never felt so happy in my entire life and I couldn’t help but cry when AJ walked up to me, gave me the warmest hug and whispered “I’m so happy for you, congratulations”.

After that I think the fans started to realize that I wasn’t going anywhere and they began to warm up to me more. It helped that Leighanne, Leigh and Kristen were there to support me and encourage the fans to let me in a little. But everyday is tough. I wake up to an amazing fiancée, whenever he’s not on tour being a superstar, I live in an amazing house, have a job that I love and friends that support me with everything I do. But being engaged to a pop star isn’t easy. It hard being away from Nick all the time. We constantly have to re-evaluate our relationship to make sure we’re on the page. And everyday it’s hard being judged by those fans who just don’t want to believe that I really do make Nick happy. Its also hard knowing that my friendship with the guys is always changing. AJ and I have to work really hard to keep in touch and stay close. There will always be resentment and hurt between us. And sometimes I wonder if the same thing could happen to Nick and I. I never meant to hurt AJ and I really never saw anything happening between Nick and I. I am so grateful that it did because I ended up with the love of my life but I also worry that I might end up hurting Nick one day just like I did AJ. I am trying so hard to make sure that doesn’t happen.

So you see, I’m just like everyone else. It might look like I have a glamorous life from the outside but I’m really just a normal person just like you. And so are the Backstreet Boys. I never would have predicted all those years ago when I rang Nick Carter’s door bell that I would be sitting here today writing this story telling you all about my life as a Backstreet Girl, but I am. I really feel that’s what I am – a Backstreet Girl. I have had relationships with everyone of the guys in the group and I have seen them through from day one. I like to take a little bit of pride in thinking that I had some kind of impact on each of their lives too. And I am sorry that I ever hurt any of them along the way but somehow we were able to make it through and I truly believe we are all stronger for it. In the end, a day in life of the Backstreet Boys might not be exactly what you think or even hope it’s going to be but somehow I’ve managed to make it through fifteen years with these guys and I would like hope that there’s at least fifteen more waiting for us in the future. I guess the moral of this story is that I’m just a normal girl like most of you out there. Yes, I’ve made mistakes in the past and yes I’m even dating a Backstreet Boy but if you are going to judge me for anything, please don’t hate me just because I love someone, and always make sure you know the whole story first.