I had been waiting for this day, for three whole fucking months. My eyes squinted as the brightness of the sun hit my face. It almost felt like I was being released from prison, I had spent long days in a small room, with no type of color, high on who knows what medications, listening to crazy bitches babble in the hallways. The worst part, was that some asshole security guard, had the tendency to enter my room, when I was dosed up on sleeping pills and fucked me at his pleasing. I know for a fact, I wasn’t the only one.

Towards my last days, killing the bastard had become my task in life, of course no one believes the crazy person, and I was always sedated. Meaning I always failed. These places don’t make you any better, if not they fuck you up more. Always stuffing unnecessary medication down your throat, making you spend your day with other loonies, that make you feel like one yourself. I’ll tell you right now, I’m not crazy. I was just in shock, losing someone…no, the only one that loved and accepted me the way I am, was a bitch.

The tears spilled as I saw Oscar, my older brother leaning against the outside gate. He had my dad’s smile, and it made me cringe internally as he directed it at me. “Look at you all pale!” he pulled me into his arms and I squeezed him tight. He was pretty much all I had left in my life, my older brother who lived out here in Bakersfield. He was doing my mom, the favor of picking me up and driving me out to Lexington, Oklahoma. If you have never heard of it…I don’t blame you.

“Hey!” I mumbled, trying to swallow down the knot lodged in my throat. Just, looking at my Mustang brought good and bad memories. Which made my stomach twist into a messy knot of emotions. I took a couple of deep breaths, I had made a promise to myself, that I would never…ever have to set foot into that place again. Crestwood Behavioral Health Center, which my loving mother had placed me in, after she found me half dead in my room. The doctors had diagnosed me with ‘post partum depression’ let me tell you that being in that horrible place, made me no better.

“I thought it was only fair, to bring you the car. After all, you did help dad rebuild it.” he gave me a playful shove and we both hopped into the car.

My eyes were darting everywhere, taking in the green of the trees, the narrow dirt road, the brightness of the sun, the blue skies and my brother who I hadn’t seen in so long. I filled my lungs with the fresh air, that didn’t smell like, must, vomit, piss or plain illness. It was fresh air, that I would be breathing for the days to come.

“Cheeseburger!” I blurted, and my brother grinned already knowing what I had in mind. I could already taste, a fat, juicy burger in my mouth…oh and fries, lots and lots of fries.

He let out a chuckle and smacked the back of my head “You don’t change do you…” the word change, gave me a pang in my stomach. Not much had changed about me, just the fact that I was more alert to my surroundings, I didn't trust anyone and I was ready to let everyone know, what only my dad knew about me. I was dying to tell Oscar first, but I wasn’t sure how he would take it. I didn’t need them to disown me once again. Having me locked up like a damn nutcase, was enough.
So instead I opted to enjoy an In and Out burger, with two orders of fries and a strawberry shake. With a light conversation of a sugar coated story about my stay at the, god awful center. I was happy to learn that I was due to be an aunt any day and my brother, was anxious for the day to come. I knew that him and his wife, had been trying for quite the while to have a baby, and finally he had hit the target.

He also informed me about my younger sister, Angie, who was already a junior in high school. Which made me realize that we would be attending the same school. I instantly knew there would be clashing with her. Angie was momma's little princess and I was the black sheep of the family. You can already imagine, who is going to win all the arguments here. Whatever!

My thing now, was to finish school, get this lousy senior year and graduation past me. Then move on and do my own thing. Of course, all that would happen, if I could survive living with my mother. Don't get me wrong, I...love the woman, but I don't think she loves me back, not anymore. Therefore, any conversation or interaction between us is very awkward and icy. I guess I can't blame her, I made a decision that hurt her, pretty bad. Even though, choosing to stay with my dad, at the time of the divorce was a no brainer. My dad had issues with himself, and I wasn't about to leave him alone, like they were doing.

Now, what I do know, is that my relationship with mom, is not gonna get any better, especially when I tell her something, she wont like. Therefore our relationship will only get worse, with the revealing of my big secret. Not only do I have to worry about her, but that damn small ass, close minded town. I'm gonna be calling home. Don't worry, you'll know my secret soon too.

You know, I'll just put those worries to the back of my head for now, I've got a shit load of hours ahead of me, before I reach my new home. Where I don't know a soul. I'll tell you the truth, I'm pretty scared and once Oscar is gone, I'll be lonely. I have to pep talk myself, because what I did learn from being in that hell hole, is that I can survive anything, and I will survive this year in Lexington, Oklahoma, in a different school, with different people and no dad. I'm going to get through this.

That pep talk earlier? Yeah, it didn’t work, because I was sitting in the car with my brother, right in front of mom’s brown house. I could tell that, he knew it was going to be hard for me to stay. He had no idea, how much I wanted to slip out of the car and just run…run till my legs gave out on me. I was startled by a reassuring hand on my shoulder and a squeeze. “I know it’s going to be hard J, but there is no other solution to this.” he gave me a crooked smile, and I returned the gesture.

Oscar and I hadn’t always gotten along, we are only about three years apart, which would make him about twenty one. We constantly argued and hated each other with a passion, then he left home, once he turned eighteen. Mom had a cow about it and I found myself missing him. Although, I don’t blame him for getting the hell out. There was nothing, but arguments, screaming and smacking around in the house. Don’t get the idea that just my father did the smacking around, mom was just as bad as he was.

Speaking of mom, before I can even take a deep breath to prepare myself, she’s coming down the porch stairs, with Angie trailing behind her. Lucky Angie, has mom’s looks, AND she has turned into a…hum…I’ll have to come back with the word. Even with that, I’m definitely the black sheep, ugly duckling…bad seed of the family. Where is dad, when I need him for reassurance.

“Well you two, don’t just stand there. Come on out, I have dinner on the table.” mom had a big smile on her face, as if she had really been anticipating my arrival. Please! I had to give her credit, she didn’t look a day older than thirty five, I’m not lying. I guess, being away from dad, did everyone good. I’m the only one that looks like a fucking mess.

“Hey mom!” Oscar got out of the car, and rigidly gave mom a hug, I could feel the aloofness between them. Which tightened the knot of nerves I had earlier, in my stomach. If that was aloof, I could imagine the hug between us. If we even shared one, it would be just as bad.

She walked around the front, as I threw my backpack over my shoulders. She ran a finger over my cheek and gave me a smile “Look at you, you look pale. Have you been eating right?” she embraced me, catching me off guard. My hands remained to my side and I looked over at my brother, who gave me a shrug.

Everything after the ’hellos’ went by fast, we had a rather quiet dinner, I sadly said good bye to my brother and watched as my mother drove away, to drop him off at the airport. Angie hadn’t talked to me much, since I had arrived, and I wasn’t sure what the hell to say either. We walked up the stairs of the rather cozy house, it was much better than the stuffy apartment dad and I had been living in. Maybe because there was a woman’s touch in this house, there were little girly things here and there, pictures covered the walls. Surprisingly a couple of me, not as many as Angie, but I was there.

The silence was killing me, as we made way down the hallway “So, you’re a junior now?” I cursed myself, for being so creative with the conversation starter. There was so much more I could have asked or said. I missed you. How are things going? Do you have a boyfriend? The icebreakers were endless.

Of course she took her sweet time to answer me, she opened the door to the room and then turned around to look at me. Not a sign of welcoming-ness on her face. “Yes I am…and your going to be a senior. We are going to be going to the same school, but don’t you even think that you will get to tell everyone in school about your disgusting little secret.”

A hot rush, ran from the top of my head to the tips of my toes. I was well aware of what she was talking about, but I couldn’t understand how the hell she knew about it. I had to play it off, “I don’t know what your talking about.” I gave her a shrug and pushed my way into the room. There was no way I would let her treat me the way she wanted, just because I was a simple visitor or better said…intruder in her house.

“Mom is going to ream you, just so you know. She was just being nice, because Oscar was here.” she turned on her heel and stormed to her room. I wasn’t going to worry about it, what was the worst that could happen. My beloved mother would close me up in the basement, feed me twice a day in a dog bowl, tell the towns people that I was abnormal and keep all the girls away from me.

I couldn’t help how I had turned out. Who I was. What I liked. It wasn’t my fault they had never put the pieces together. I flung the backpack into the corner and fell backwards onto the twin bed, which had a horrid baby blue comforter with stars and moons on it. I almost gagged at the sight. I stared up at the ceiling and wondered what the hell would happen to me this year. I didn't know what this year has in store for me, but I am hoping it is something good.

The past year had been the worst, first my parents separating, with the whole custody battle. My mom’s face, when I decided to stay with my dad. My dad’s nasty drug and alcohol abuse. The worst had been, hearing my dad, blow his brains out, in the room next to mine. Then to make matters worse, my mother had taken me to a doctor, that diagnosed me as…'slightly crazy', that’s what I labeled it. So…I was excluded from the world, nonexistent, on horrible meds and raped over and over.

Angie was right, when mom got back, she busted through my door and stood over me, with her hands on her hips. “Your counselor and the director had a conference call with me. They told me some of the things that you did in that place. I’m not even sure, that you should be out already Jordan.” she shook her head, as if she had been dealing with me for the past year.

“Well it’s not easy being put in a place with all crazy people…MOOOM! It kinda catches up to you at some point. Plus, you have no idea the shit, that goes on in those places.” there was no way, that I was going to inform her about them either. I would never tell anyone, about the hell I had lived there. She could think, say and do whatever she wanted. I really didn’t care at the time. My eyes were starting to close, the exhaustion was getting to me, and believe it or not, my body was asking for the meds. Meds, I don’t have, anymore.

"JORDAN DANIELLE MILLER! I can't believe that you would do something so repulsive. It's disgusting and I wont allow it in my house. I will not be the laughing stalk of the town. Just because you..." she covered her mouth, looking like she was going to hurl all over the room.

All my hope of her understanding me, was officially out the window. I sat up and looked at her, wishing with everything in me, that the person standing in front of me, was my dad. He had taken the news, pretty well. I had caught him by surprise, but at the end, he loved me...for me. I didn't want to be ashamed of myself, but around my mom, I felt itty bitty and if I wanted to live in peace, I would have to keep the secret between us. "Don't worry...I wont tell anyone, it will be our little secret, mom."

She let out a sigh of relief "Well I'm glad to hear that...there are plenty of boys here." I wanted to laugh in her face. I hate boys...men...males...dogs...whatever they are. I hate them.

"Yeah, I bet Angie knows a few, pretty well." I couldn't help myself, I had to come back with something. How was it that she was down my throat about this secret, but she wasn't telling her precious daughter, that her skirt gave the town a free cheek show, with every step she took.

This year definitely has something in store for me, but so far, it's not looking good.