Nick and Willow have finally realised that they are meant to be together but will fate be cruel enough to rip them apart before they even have the chance to get started?
<img src="stories/1378/images/I_want_to_be_where_you_are.jpg">
1. Chapter 1-3 by Tantilisinteaser
2. Chapter 4-7 by Tantilisinteaser
3. Chapter 8-11 by Tantilisinteaser
4. Chapter 12 - 17 by Tantilisinteaser
5. Chapter 17-21 by Tantilisinteaser
6. chapter 22-27 by Tantilisinteaser
7. Chapter 28 -30 by Tantilisinteaser
8. Chapter 31-37 by Tantilisinteaser
9. Chapter 37 - 41 by Tantilisinteaser
10. Chapter 42 - 46 by Tantilisinteaser
11. Chapter 47 - 52 by Tantilisinteaser
Chapter One
Although the room was loud and alive with noise and activity all I could hear was the hum of the neon lights that shone brightly over head. It had been an hour since I received the call and forty minutes since I had been told to sit in the waiting area. The room was filled with people, some holding gauze to try and cover open wounds, some complaining of how much longer they would be made to wait, some sitting silently like me. The nurses were running around, handing out pain meds, calling names and discharging people, they looked straight through me as though I wasn’t even there, and at that moment I wished I wasn’t.
“Mr Carter?” I looked up when my name was called and knew instantly that it wasn’t good. His pale green scrubs were lightly splattered with a deep red substance that could only be her blood.
“How is she?” I asked standing up quickly and he frowned slightly before he spoke.
“She’s currently stable but things are still extremely critical, Willow has received serious head trauma and I’m concerned with the amount of swelling, we also can’t rule out spinal injuries. I think it would be wise if you informed other family members as soon as possible…”
“You don’t think she’s going to make it do you?” I croaked my heart in my throat at the thought and he looked back at me solemnly and sighed.
“It’s a critical time for her; she’s extremely ill and if she does survive there is no guarantee that she will make a full recovery. There’s a relatives room where you can make some phone calls.”
“I want to be with her, her parents are on the way,” I mumbled trying to keep my emotions in check but it was becoming increasingly harder to do so and I knew if I stood her much longer with him I would loose it completely.
“Of course, if you want to follow me. We’ve got her hooked up to various equipment and she’s already very bruised, if you have any questions you can ask the nurse, I’m going to make a few phone calls to neurology so we can get her a bed,” he said leaving me outside the door to the trauma room.
I stood outside the door frozen for I don’t know how long. She looked so fragile, so pale, like all the life had been sucked away from her. There was so much equipment around her, so much noise around her but she remained silent. I eventually plucked up the courage to push the door open and then even managed to place one foot in front of the other and before I knew it I was beside her, staring at her bruised face and broken body.
I wanted to hold her hand, to let her know that I was there, that she wasn’t alone but she had a drip in one and some other probe attached to her finger on the other which I didn’t want to disturb. The only colour to her skin were the angry purple and black bruises dotted around her face and the specs of dry blood. I suppose I should have been thankful that she wasn’t still bleeding.
“You can hold her hand and talk to her.” The nurse gave me a sympathetic smile as she moved a chair across to me. I sat down and carefully took Willow’s hand in mine, careful to avoid the drip. I didn’t know what to say so I just sat and stared at her , watched as her chest rose and fell with every breath that the machine pushed into her lungs. I bought her hand up to my lips and placed a gentle kiss on it, I think I wanted that kiss to make this all go away, to make her wake up like in the fairy tales but when I opened my eyes again she was still laid motionless, asleep, no unconscious.
The nurse caught my attention as she began pressing some buttons and writing information down on a chart. She frowned when something beeped and a set of numbers flashed on the screen.
“Is something wrong?” I asked as she pressed the button again to take another reading.
“Her blood pressure is just a bit off what we would like, I’m just going to double check it,” she said looking to me and giving me another gentle smile which I couldn’t return. The numbers flashed up again and she wrote them down.
“Is it ok now?” I asked.
“It’s where we would expect it to be, blood pressure can fluctuate quite a bit especially in Willow’s case following a trauma. She lost quite a bit of blood from a few lacerations but luckily she avoided any serious internal bleeding. We’ve given her blood and saline to increase her pressure and she’s maintaining a good BP which is what we like.”
“Is she going to die?” I whispered a tear escaping from my eye. She sat across from me and placed the chart at the edge of Willows bed as she contemplated on what she was going to say.
“I’ve seen people a lot worse than this walk out of this hospital and I’ve seen people a lot better than this not make it. I wish I could give you a definite answer but I just can’t do that. At the moment she is holding her own, she’s stable but the next few days are going to be critical, we’re giving her medication to try and reduce the swelling in her head and that’s why she is sedated and ventilated. She’s going to need a lot of support, and so are you. Do you want me to call anybody for you? Do you have anything you want to ask?” She said rubbing my arm lightly.
“Her parents are on the way in and I’ve left some messages. Has she…has she been awake at all?” I still wasn’t sure whether I wanted the answer to that. Would it make me feel better to know that she had been like this since the accident or that she had been awake and scared and in pain?
“When she first came in she was conscious but not making much sense which will be because of her head trauma. We’ve sedated her to keep her calm so that we can treat her more effectively. We had to put a tube down her throat to help her breathe because some of the drugs we have given her can cause her to stop maintaining her own airway.”
I nodded not really taking any of it in and went back to looking at her.
“What happens now?”
“It’s a waiting game. We need to see how she responds. Hopefully the swelling will decrease over the next few days and after that we should start seeing some improvement in her condition. Dr Rodriguez is speaking to the neurology attending as he has more expertise in this area and then we are going to transfer her to the ICU so they can monitor her more closely.”
“Thank you.”
“Your welcome any more questions just ask ok?” She said as she began another cycle of taking Willow’s vitals.
Chapter Two.
I walked into the waiting room, saw her parents and broke down.
“Oh God, no she’s not gone, not my baby,” Rachel hysterically said as her hand went to cover her mouth and I realised what message me loosing it must have sent out, they say that a picture is worth a thousand words don’t they?
“No Rachel, no she’s alive. She’s just, I feel so fucking helpless,” I said wiping away my tears before I was pulled into a hug.
“Where is she? What happened?” Mike asked obviously cornered about his only daughter.
“She was driving home from the studio and I don’t know, I was told that she somehow flipped the car, that it was on it’s roof when the paramedics got there. There saying that she’s got bad head trauma, she’s on a ventilator for that, I just I don’t know what’s going on, she just looks so fragile,” I said trying to get everything that I had been told out.
“Where is she?” Rachel asked me.
“They’ve got her in one of the rooms, they are waiting to take her to ICU.”
“Can we see her?”
“I don’t know, I guess,” I said walking in the direction that I had come from but I quickly moved out of the way when I felt someone run passed me. Two other people in scrubs followed suit and I knew they were going to her, that something bad was happening. I could hear the wailing of monitors before I got to the entrance, I couldn’t let her leave me, she couldn’t die on me I needed her too much. I tried to enter the room but the nurse from earlier spotted me and blocked the doorway.
“I think it’s better if you wait outside,” She said calmly ushering me and her parents towards a few seats down the hallway.
“What’s going on? What are they doing to her?” I fired at her.
“Are you Willow’s parents?” She asked spotting that there were four more people with me.
“We’re her parents, these are her step parents,” Mike said pointing to Ian and Harriet who were just as anxious as Rachel and Mike.
“I’m Lois, I’ve been looking after Willow since she was bought in. She had received blunt head trauma and has a lot of swelling which we need to rectify. She was ventilated on arrival due to some of the medication we are giving her-”
“I already know this,” I nearly yelled cutting her off. She was holding back on telling me what was really going on and I was starting to panic. I guess when I was risked with losing someone so important to me I became a bit aggressive to find out more information, to find out what could be done to help.
“Mr Carter I know this is a horrible time for you but I need to catch her parents up, I’m not withholding anything from you but they need to know everything as well,” She said before she turned from me to speak to them again and I felt Rachel’s hand sneak into mine and give it a reassuring squeeze. “She has been stable, maintaining a good blood pressure and on our first exam we were confident that there were minimal internal injuries. In the past few minutes her blood pressure has fallen, this could be due to a number of reasons, the medication that we have put her on, an internal bleed, the doctors are in there now trying to determine what the problem is. As soon as we know anything we’ll come and tell you, but right now I can’t have all of you in there, there is not enough room-”
“Lois call the blood bank we need more O-NEG,” Someone shouted from the door to where Willow was.
“I need to get back in there but as soon as we know anything we’ll let you know.”
I felt sick, I felt angry at letting her convince me to go home early because of my headache, I should have stayed with her but she insisted that she would be fine driving home and I had no reason to disagree with her, it was a journey she had made a thousand times before, but most of all I was petrified about losing her.It was the longest five minutes of my life but eventually the Doctor I recognised from before strode out of the room with a clip board in his hand.
“Mr Carter I take it you and Miss Abrams are not married?” He asked quickly and I shook my head. “Then you cant give consent, are you her parents?” He asked.
“I’m her mother,” Rachel said.
“We need to do an emergency lapartomy she’s got some internal bleeding we need to stop,” he said thrusting the clipboard at her with a pen and she didn’t hesitate to sign it. I watched as they pushed Willow out on the gurney towards the elevators and knew that it would be futile to follow, I would just be told to wait again.
Waiting was the last thing that I wanted to do at the moment but it looked like I would be doing a lot of it.
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“Are you Willow’s family?” Dr Rodriguez asked ten minutes later as he walked into the room where we had been moved to. “I’m sorry about the abruptness of earlier, obviously my main concern at the time was trying to stabilise Willow.”
“How is she?” Mike asked.
“She very sick. She’s got swelling to her brain but what we are concerned with now is her internal injuries, when she first arrived to us we were confident that there were minimal injuries, her lavage was negative, as was her ultra sound scan. Her blood pressure dropped quite considerably after an hour of being here which is slightly odd.”
“Why is that odd?” Ian asked.
“We had assessed her and she was very stable, if someone has internal injuries they usually manifest quite quickly,” he explained.
“So What does this mean?” Rachel asked becoming more confused.
“It’s either been a small slow undetectable bleed, or it could be an unrelated incident, such as an eptopic pregnancy.”
I nearly hit the floor, she couldn’t be pregnant, there was no way she could be pregnant, she would have told me for a start. I could feel five sets of eyes burning into me and I felt a blush creep up my neck and into my cheeks.
“Has she told you that she was pregnant?” The doctor asked me.
“No.”
“Is there any chance that she could be pregnant?” he said. He was basically asking me to own up to having unprotected sex with Willow in front of her parents this was every guys nightmare. “Mr Carter if there is any chance she could be we need to know,” he prompted.
“Yes she could be,” I said quickly and quietly as I averted my eyes to the floor.
“She’s in the OR now and then they are going to be transferring her to the ICU, I’ll ask one of the nurses to take you up there now,” he said as he exited the room.
I wanted the ground to swallow me whole, I felt so uncomfortable sat in a room with her parents where I had just admitted to having unprotected sex with their daughter. It’s not like I expected them to think we were complete angels and did nothing sexually but I didn’t want to have to admit it either. Willow was going to kill me when she found out, then it hit me, if she found out.
Chapter Three
I sat on the couch of the waiting room for the ICU waiting on news that had yet to come. My mind was going a hundred miles a minute, the women I loved could be dying and I could do nothing to stop it, she could also be pregnant.
That was the thought that scared me the most. A doctor could walk through those doors at any moment and tell me that I was going to be a father, there was no way I was ready for a child, I barely had my own life together I just couldn’t take care of another one. Then a thought hit me, what if Willow had known that she was pregnant? Had she been hiding it from me because she knew that I would be against it? Because she thought I would make a terrible father? I wasn’t able to dwell on that to much because my thoughts were interrupted my the Surgeon coming into the room.
“How is she?”
“Is she going to be okay?”
“Did you find the problem?”
All these questions were fired at him but he must have been used to this as he gently silenced us and sat on the empty armchair.
“She’s stable for now. We did an exploratory laperotomy and found that it was a separate case. She suffered an eptopic pregnancy, which is where the embryo grows in the fallopian tube, obviously there is not enough room for it to grow and if left untreated can rupture which is what happened in Willow’s case. Has she been complaining of stomach cramps?” he asked.
“Yeah she just thought she was getting cramps because she was due on her period,” I answered.
“Okay, due to the extent of the rupture we had to remove her left fallopian tube, there was just too much damage to repair it, but she’s stable, she still ventilated but that is due to her sedation for the swelling. I understand this is a difficult time for you all and there is a lot of information that you need to take in so feel free to contact me if you have any questions. If Willow wakes up she can contact me with any questions that she may have, the nurse will be in shortly and then you can go and see her if you would like,” he said standing up both Mike and Ian shook his hand while Rachel and Harriet thanked him but I said nothing and made no move to shake his hand.
Surely I couldn’t have been the only one who heard him when he said IF she wakes up?
“I’m up, I’m awake,” I said quickly when I felt someone tap my shoulder.
“Nick you should go home, get some sleep,” Rachel said offering me a cup of coffee before she sat next to me in the family room of the ICU.
“No I’m fine, I just need this,” I said taking the cup from her.
“You need to get some sleep,” she said resting her head on her hand.
“How much sleep did you get last night? I think I have five messages from you,” I replied raising my eyebrows at her.
“Alright okay I get the message. How is she?”
“The same, they’ve taken her to do a CT scan to check the swelling and to check the damage to her back but they should be back soon,” I said glancing at my watch.
“Did she… did you know she was pregnant?”
For two days we had all be skating around the subject, no one really acknowledging the fact that she had needed surgery because of a rupture due to a pregnancy rather than because of the accident she was in. I knew that we needed to talk about it and I was thankful that Rachel bought it up when it was just the two of us but it didn’t make it any easier.
“I had no idea, I don’t think she did either, she would have told me wouldn’t she?” I asked.
“Yeah she would have. How do you feel about the whole thing?”
“I don’t really feel anything, just a bit shocked it wasn’t like we planned it.”
I looked to the door when Mike walked in hoping that Rachel wouldn’t continue our discussion, I was uncomfortable enough talking to her about it.
“Hey, I bought you some breakfast,” he said handing me a bag with a muffin in it.
“Thanks,” I said taking the bag from him. I wasn’t really hungry but I knew that I would probably need it later.
“Is she okay?” he asked and as if his mind had been read the attending looking after Willow walked into the room.
“Good your all here,” he said spotting us, “Shall we go into my office? Less interruptions,” he said holding the door open. My heart was in my mouth, I couldn’t read his expression so I didn’t know whether to expect good or bad news as I followed them into the room and took a seat.
“The nursing staff were concerned about her decrease in motor movement in her lower limbs and that’s the reason we took her to CT. As your aware she did crush two of her vertebra which we repaired after we did the leprosy. The CT showed that there is some compression on her spinal cord and that’s what’s causing the decreased motor movement.”
“So what are you doing the rectify that?” Mike asked.
“I’ve spoken to the orthopaedic team and they have a slot to take her back to the OR in the next hour, we’re prepping her for surgery now, so I am here to ask for a consent,” he said pushing a piece of paper and a pen across to us.
“But you said after the last surgery it wouldn’t be wise to take her again, that she wasn’t stable enough,” I said.
“It’s imperative that she has this surgery.”
“Can’t we wait a few more days till she’s stronger?” Rachel asked.
“At the moment its just lower limb weakness but the longer we leave it the more chance she has at becoming paralysed from the waist down, her chances for a better recovery are higher if we operate now, I know this is a lot to take in but it is in her best interest if we operate now,” He said picking up the pen and holding it out, they both hesitated for a moment so they could look at each other, if they decided not to sign then I would find some way of doing it for her, I knew she would want it. Thankfully I didn’t have to as Mike took the pen and signed his name.
“Thank you. This is going to be another long wait I’m afraid, I wouldn’t expect her out of surgery for at least six hours the nursing staff will let you know what’s going on as soon as they have the information,” he said standing up as we followed suit, moving to exit the room.
I headed back the family room knowing that there would already be two people heading into the ICU.
Chapter Five
“When was the last time you had anything to eat? Hell Nick when was the last time you slept?” Kristin said as she sat down next to me in the waiting area outside of the ICU.
“You’ve grown again,” I said referring to her expanding waist line, trying to skip out on answering the questions she had fired at me.
“Yes well I may be growing but your wasting away right in front of me Chunk. You do realise that soon you won’t be able to do the truffle shuffle anymore and then you will hold no comic value to me,” she said putting her hand on my leg and I smiled at her attempt to make me feel at least a tiny bit better.
“How is she doing, Bro?” Kev asked and I just looked to him and shrugged. For the past week there hadn’t really been much change. She came through the spinal surgery okay but the weakness was still there even though they had managed to release the compression. Things didn’t look good though as I wasn’t positive that it had been as successful as they had hoped as when we asked what her chances of walking again were, they suggested we wait till she was conscious.
The swelling had decreased but not as much as they had hoped so she was still sedated and ventilated. The bruising to her face was slowly disappearing but she still didn’t look like the Willow I remembered. I had only left her side when they needed to run more tests or examine her and I wasn’t allowed to stay at night, fire regulations they had said. Any time I wasn’t with her I was either here, or the small relatives room down the corridor.
“No change?” He probed again.
“Not really, they’re in with her now. They’ve got some spinal guy in to try and assess what the damage is to her back.” I said not meeting his eyes, if I looked into them I knew I would loose what little composure I had left.
“Why don’t you come back to ours for a while? Have something decent to eat, and sleep in a bed for a few hours,” Kristin said and I sighed.
“They’ll be finished with her soon and I want to be with her,” I said turning to gaze out the window. I was so jealous of the people walking below, getting on with their lives without a care, not that I would wish this on anyone, I just felt so frustrated for once something had been going right in my personal life and now I was once again left to pick up the pieces.
“Nick-”
“I said no Kristin.” I knew from the way she withdrew her hand I had been a little to harsh. I knew they were only trying to help but I couldn’t leave her if I left her and something happened I would never forgive myself.
“Your going to make yourself ill Nick and then what good are you going to be to her?” Kevin said sitting next to me and blocking my view so that I had no choice but to look at him.
“I’ll be here and she won’t be alone,” I said the volume of my voice increasing. “I’m sick of everyone telling me what to do I’m a fucking adult now I can make my own decisions,” I said louder than I should have but luckily the hall was empty.
“ I’m not telling you what to do, I worried about you, I’m trying to help you,” he said calmly.
“I don’t need your help, the only person I want help for is Willow but you can’t do that. You cant do anything to make her better anymore than I can . She’s my world Kev I thought you of all people would be able to understand that, if the tables were turned there’s no way you would let anyone talk you into leaving so why do you insist on trying to do it to me,” I yelled at him my composure bursting as angry tears started to fall from my eyes.
“Sweetie.”
“No Kris, you have no idea what I’m going through. I am so petrified of loosing her and of having to be on my own again if I leave something’s going to happen and I don’t want her to be on her own I…I…” I couldn’t even finish what I wanted to say the emotions and frustrations that I had held inside for the past week had finally found their way out and I sobbed into Kevin’s shoulder as he pulled me into a hug. I cried into his shoulder for I don’t know how long and he just let me. When I finally stopped I pulled away and wiped my eyes on my sleeve and then wiped it across my nose.
“If there is snot on my shoulder I’m going to kick your ass Carter,” he said watching me and I laughed at him and turned to Kristin to say something but noticed that she was also in tears.
“Why are you crying?” I asked wrapping my arm around her.
“Because you cried and you never cry,” she said wiping her eyes.
“Your such a girl,” I said and she stuck her tongue out at me. “If you cry then I’m gona cry,” I said doing my best girl impersonation as I fanned my face. She hit my arm but then kissed me on the cheek and gave me a hug. “Can’t make arms reach, woman is too fat,” I exclaimed as I went to hug her back.
“I am not that big Nickolas,” she said hitting my arm again. “ Now as you’ve insulted me you have to make it up to me.”
“And how do I do that?” I asked but I already knew the answer.
“By humouring me and coming back with us for a few hours. You have your cell and we can give them our home number and if the slightest thing changes we will bring you straight back. Your just gona go crazy if you’re here 24/7 Nick,” she said.
“You’ll bring me straight back when I ask?”
“You have to stay more than an two hours, you can’t just step inside then demand we take you back,” Kevin said as if he knew what plan I was concocting in my head, damn him for knowing me so well!
“Can we just wait till the doctors are finished and her parents are here?”
“Sure.”
Chapter Six
“Nick…Nick…”
I could hear the voice but I was so comfortable and I didn’t want to get up just yet, what harm could five more minutes do? I snuggled back in the pillow and pulled the duvet up so it was right under my chin and tried to ignore the voice but it was insistent and wouldn’t go away. It was then I remembered where I was and that Willow was in the ICU and I sat bolt up right in the bed panicked that something had happened.
“What? Is it Willow? Did the hospital call? Something’s wrong,” I said as I pushed the covers back.
“Buddy chill everything’s fine, I just came to tell you breakfast is ready,” Kevin said placing a cup of coffee on the nightstand next to me.
“Breakfast? What time is it?” I asked grabbing for my watch.
“Just after nine.”
“As in a.m.? You said you would wake me up and drop me back to the hospital before it got late last night,” I said throwing back the covers and putting my jeans on angrily.
“Nick you have slept soundly for the past thirteen hours, you obviously needed it, Kristin came in to check you were still alive twice. I wasn’t going to drop you back off so you could spend the night alone trying to sleep on a couch when there was a perfectly good bed that you seemed to be pretty comfortable in here,” he said trying to calm me down.
“What if something’s happened?”
“The hospital haven’t rung and neither have her parents ok? Now come and have some breakfast, take a shower and I’ll take you back there.”
“No I want to go now,” I said shoving my wallet and phone into my pocket.
“You are not leaving here until you’ve eaten breakfast,” he said sternly as he crossed his arms and I had no choice but to conceded.
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I hung up the towel in the bathroom and sighed as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. There were dark circles around my eyes and my brow just seemed to be constantly furrowed, like Mom had been right about the wind changing and my face staying like that.
I did feel a bit better after having a shower but I wasn’t going to tell Kevin that. There was a knock at the bedroom door and yelled for whoever it was to come in as I walked into the room in my jeans.
“Hey I bought you a fresh t-shirt,” Kris said handing me one of Kevin’s.
“Now I’m gona have to be careful to not crease it or spill anything down it or god forbid actually stretch it by the movement of breathing,” I joked and she smiled.
“Keep it, it’s a fugly one,” she shrugged.
“Thanks Kris I appreciate you giving me one of his fugly t-shirts,” I said sarcastically as I pulled it over my head.
“You are the king of fugly shirts my dear, you want some pancakes for breakfast or waffles? Who am I trying to fool I’m making them both this kid seems to have a hankering for breakfast foods,” she said rubbing her slightly protruding stomach and I must have frowned. “What?” She asked.
I hesitated for a few seconds before blurting out, “Willow was pregnant.”
She was quiet for a moment, I didn’t think she was really expecting me to say that.
“Did she miscarry because of the accident?” She asked quietly.
“No they called it an ep, an ep-”
“An eptopic pregnancy?” She asked and I nodded my head.
“Nicky I’m so sorry, trust me I know how difficult that is,” she said rubbing my leg slightly, “Are you okay?”
“Your going to think I’m a really horrible person but I was relieved when they said it had ruptured, god Kris I can’t believe I just said that,” I said resting my elbows on my knees and putting my head in my hands.
“No your not. I take it that it wasn’t a planned thing?”
“The first I heard about it was from the surgeon in front of her parents.”
“Ouch,” she said.
“Yeah tell me about it.”
“Did Willow know?”
“I don’t think so. I just…what if she did know Kris? What if she was too scared to tell me? What if she didn’t think I would make a good Dad? What if she crashed the car on purpose?”
“Now your being ridiculous. There is no way she would do something like that, she would have told you if she knew Nick, even if she was sure you would be against the idea.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Stop reading into this so much and come down stairs and help me with breakfast so we can get you back to her,” she said grabbing my hand to pull me up.
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I stepped off the elevator and was greeted by Willow’s Mom who had a big smile on her face.
“She’s triggering the ventilator,” she exclaimed taking the cup of coffee I handed to her.
“She’s what?” I asked confused. It had to be a good thing though because Rachel was smiling, she wouldn’t be smiling if it was a bad thing. She gladly accepted the coffee and sat down on the couch as I leant against the opposite wall.
“She’s taking breathes and working against the ventilator which means her sedation has weaned enough for her body to take over breathing. There in with her now deciding on whether or not to remove the tube and see if she can fend for herself,” she said and then took a sip. I was just about to voice my concerns about removing it too soon when the doctor walked out through the double doors of the ICU.
He was smiling. I was really liking all the smiling.
“Things are looking good folks. She is triggering the vent but I’m not going to take her off it till she’s conscious I don’t want to have to put another one down if she can’t maintain her airway. We’re going to stop the sedation, there is still a bit of swelling but she’s out of the woods for haemorrhaging, there may be some complications though,” he said as we followed him into his office.
I took a seat and braced myself for what he was going to say. We had been told from the beginning that the chances of her making a full recovery were fifty/fifty at best.
“There’s a possibility that she’s not going to be the Willow that you remember. She could have moderate to severe brain damage or she could be totally fine. All the scans have been positive so far and although she was slow to respond the treatment she has responded in the way that hoped for .”
“Worst case scenario?” I asked bluntly and he was silent for a few moments.
“Severe disablement to the point where she will need 24/7 care. But I am confident that won’t happen. Whatever happens its going to be a very long recovery. She’s looking at a long stretch in hospital and probably an even longer stretch in out patient rehab.”
“Are you any more aware of the damage to her back? Will she be able to walk?” Rachel asked.
“Again we are only going to truly know the extent of the damage when she’s conscious. I’m aware that her Father isn’t here if he has any questions just get one of the nurses to come find me. I think it’s going to be a good idea if someone stays with her for when she comes round.”
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I took her hand in mine as I sat in the chair beside her bed. Her bruising was practically gone but she was whiter than white, she never really held much of a tan but since the accident she had been practically transparent. I looked up to the monitor that she was connected to, since I had spent so much time here I was well aware of the normal limits that her vitals should be.
Her heart rate was resting comfortably at 76 and her oxygen level was 99 but she was ventilated so it didn’t really count for much.
“Heard the news?” Becca asked smiling, as she came across and began prepping Willow’s IV line so she could put meds down it.
“Yeah.”
“You don’t seem pleased,” she said frowning at me as she pushed what was in the syringe down the line.
“Just worried about how she’s going to be. She was so vibrant and full of-”
“She’s still alive Nick, and she may be just as vibrant, would she thank you for writing her off this early in the game?” She said and I knew she was right but I was still concerned. “Whatever happens today its not going to be what you expect ok? What you need to do is think how hard this week has been on you and then think what it is going to be like for her. She’s lost an entire week of her life, she’s probably not going to remember a lot about the accident either. You’ve got to be strong for her.”
“You’re right. Don’t you ever go home Becca?” I asked. Since Willow had been admitted she had been her nurse for five out of the seven days.
“Seems like that huh? I’m saving for a huge vacation that I have planned so I’m picking up all the extra shifts I can. Flights to New Zealand do not come cheap.”
“New Zealand? Never actually been there,” I said stroking Willows hand. Becca was so easy to talk to, it was like she was able to take my mind off where I was and why I was there even if it was only for a few minutes.
“I thought you were a pop star? Isn’t worldwide travel part of the job description?” She asked as she threw her gloves away.
“You would think. You on a twelve hour?”
“It’s the shift I live for and hopefully I’m going to get to meet the Willow you keep telling me about. I’m going on coffee break so if you need anything push the buzzer or grab one of the other nurses at the desk ok?” She asked picking up Willow’s file.
“Will do,” I said as she smiled and then walked away. I looked back to Willow and stroked her face gently. “I know you can hear me Will, all you got to do is open your eyes. I’m right here with you.” But there was nothing, her eyes remained closed and I sighed. “Everyone is missing you baby, if you wanted some attention you got it. C’mon all you have to do is open your eyes,” I begged. Still nothing.
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I walked out of the unit and saw Alex waiting for me.
“Hey dude,” he said pulling me into a hug. “How’s she doing?”
“Still out. She started moving her hand earlier but they said that can just be her muscles going into spasm doesn’t mean she’s any closer to waking up.”
“You want to go for a coffee or something? Grab some dinner? Her folks are with her aren’t they?” He said when I glanced back into the ICU. “Hospital cafeteria no further,” he said obviously sensing I was anxious about leaving.
“Twenty minutes.”
When we reached the cafeteria I realised that I was sick of the hospital food. I looked at the trays of food laid out and wrinkled my nose at the choice or lack thereof . I finally decided on the pizza but when it came to eating it I only had a few mouthfulls.
“Not hungry?” Jay asked as he looked at my plate and I shrugged. “ Good thing I bought you a care package then aint it?” he said handing me the back pack he had. I looked through it. Cans of soda, bags of chips, Swiss roll score! MP3 player, a few books I would never read and a playboy.
“Where am I going to be able to read this?” I said pointing to it and he shrugged. “Thanks man I appreciate it.”
“Don’t thank me it was my Mom’s idea well apart from the playboy,” he said making me laugh.
“So how is she doing?” He asked seriously.
“I have no fucking clue, they come in on rounds and talk about her like she’s not even there. Half of it I can’t understand, the nurses are good though, tell me in easy terms. They keep saying when she wakes up which was better then when she first came in cause they kept saying if. I just… I’m…” I looked down then, focusing on the polystyrene cup that I was breaking apart. I didn’t want him to see the tears in my eyes, to know how scared I was but I should have realised that avoiding looking at him wouldn’t hide that.
“You’re scared. It’s okay to be scared Nick. Its okay to cry as well, why you still think you have to hide it from me I have no idea.” He said as he reached out to punch me lightly in the arm.
“I’m fine,” I said shaking it off but he just looked at me sceptically from over the top if his sunglasses.
“Liar.”
“I just don’t know what I’m gona do if anything does happen to her. I can’t be on my own again Jay I can’t,” I said wiping a tear away.
“Listen to me Nick you’re never going to be on your own. You’ve got all of us and I don’t think Willow is going to go that easy okay? Do you not remember how stubborn she is? She makes Kevin look like friggen Elmo.”
“You gona come in and see her?” I asked and he hesitated for a few seconds.
“Would you mind if I didn’t? I just…hospitals freak me out man and I don’t think I would cope well seeing her like you said she is. As soon as she’s awake I’ll be straight here you know that.”
“It’s cool don’t worry, I know how you get. Just thought-” I was interrupted by the shrill ringing of my cell phone. I picked it up from the table and answered. “I’ll be right up,” I said as I bolted from the table not giving any explanation to A.J.
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I tried to compose myself as I hastily walked into the ICU.
“She’s been squeezing my hand when I ask,” Her Dad said looking to me. “Squeeze my hand Willow,” he said. It took a few seconds but her fingers griped around his. I felt like all my Christmas’s and birthdays had come at once, like I was going to explode with excitement. I walked around the other side of the bed and took her hand in mine, giving it a gentle squeeze.
“Baby? It’s Nick. Open your eyes we’re all here all you got to do is open those beautiful eyes of yours to see,” I whispered into her ear and then waited but there was still nothing. I looked to Becca in disapointment.
“Hearing is the first sense that we get back, there can be a bit of delay before she’ll open her eyes. This happens when people come round from anaesthesia, its totally normal.”
Thirty minutes passed and she still hadn’t opened her eyes. Maybe this had been a false alarm, maybe she wasn’t going to wake up today. We had been talking to her, reassuring her that we were still around her, that it was okay for her to wake up. I was sat in the chair next to her, her hand still tightly gripped in mine. I was staring up at her monitor that showed her vitals when it happened. Her hand squeezed mine tightly.
I held my breathe as I looked down to her face, not daring to hope.
“Hi gorgeous,” I whispered as I finally was able to look into her electric emerald eyes.
Chapter Seven
The beeping was constant and annoying as hell. I could occasionally hear voices asking me to squeeze my hand, they were insistent and wouldn’t back off till I did it. I did it just to get them to back off what did a girl have to do to get some sleep around here?
“Open those beautiful eyes of yours to see.”
It wasn’t enough that I was squeezing their hands? Now I had to open my eyes. I don’t think these people understood the concept of sleep.
I kept fading in and out of sleep, like it was drug induced and not natural and something was in my throat but I couldn’t get at it to get rid of it and I couldn’t cough to remove it either. The beeping was louder now and I was becoming more aware of other voices around me. When I did open my eyes the light stung and I quickly shut them again.
I opened them more slowly the second time and tried to gauge my surroundings but my body felt so heavy I couldn’t move it. I moved my eyes and spotted him, staring up at some TV screen, I tried to call his name but whatever was stuck in my mouth prevented me from saying anything. When I gripped his hand his head snapped down and a huge smile spread across his face.
“Hi Gorgeous,” He whispered, as he kissed my hand and a few tears fell from his eyes.
“Willow? Oh God you are awake, Hi baby,” I glanced to my left and saw both my parents. Everyone was crying, everyone was happy to see me, a had a tube down my throat and that familiar smell…something bad had to have happened.
I pulled my hand free from my Dad’s and tried to tug at the tube. I wanted it out. I was quickly stopped.
“Sweetie you need to leave that,” Nick said stroking my face tenderly.
“Miss Abrams? It’s nice to finally meet you, I’m Doctor Millar. Are you ready for that tube to be out?” He asked and I nodded my head as he put on a pair of gloves. “Okay then when I say blow I need you to do that as hard as you can ok?” He disconnected the tube from a machine and then looked down to me “Blow.”
I did as I was told and blew as hard as I could. The feeling of the tube coming out made me gag and want to be sick. I coughed when it was fully removed and tried to speak but it hurt like hell and my throat was so dry.
“You’re going to be a bit sore and a bit hoarse for the next couple of days. Do you know where you are?”
“ Hospital?” I croaked.
“Good guess. You were involved in a pretty nasty car accident. I’m not going to go into much detail now but I’m sure your family will fill you in. I do need to check you over though ok?” He asked and I nodded still half asleep.
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I stared at them stunned. An entire week of my life was gone, I was never going to get that back, seven days of my life that I couldn’t even remember, that I would never remember.
“A week?” I asked still shocked.
“You had us pretty scared,” My Dad said as Nick stroked my hand gently, he had been unusually quiet, withdrawn almost.
“All I remember is getting in the car to drive home and then it’s… there’s, it’s like there’s nothing there, like someone has wiped my mind clear.”
“Lucky for you,” Nick mumbled before he realised I had heard him. “None of that matters now baby, all that matters is that your awake and your going to be fine.”
“You like tired sweetie, maybe we should leave you to get some rest,” My Mom said and I nodded my head. She planted a kiss on my head followed by my Dad doing the same.
“Love you pumpkin,” he said picking up his jacket.
“Love you to,” I replied as I watched them both leave.
“Do you want me to go too?” He asked. I could tell from his eyes that he didn’t want to go anywhere and I wasn’t ready to be on my own.
“Why would I want that?” I said squeezing his hand making a small smile escape his lips before he kissed my hand.
It was about ten thirty when I walked into the ICU where they were still keeping Willow nearly ten days after her accident and smiled brightly when I saw her but she didn’t return it she just looked away.
“Hey sweetie, what’s wrong?” I asked sitting down on the chair next to her.
“Were you just never going to tell me?” She asked and I was just confused.
“Tell you what?” I asked and she just shook her head at me.
“Don’t play games with me Nick. Why didn’t you tell me I was pregnant?”
Now it all made sense and I sighed before I took her hand in mine.
“I was going to tell you, I just I thought it could wait a little bit, I didn’t want to upset you with that now and throw more information at you when you’ve already had to take on so much. Who told you?” I asked and her face softened when she realised it had been an honest mistake.
“My gynaecologist came to check me over. Sorry I didn’t mean to jump down your throat. How did you…what did you…when you found out,” I stuttered before he cut me off.
“Totally shocked,” he admitted smiling at me sheepishly. I was glad he said that because when she came to speak to me so was I. I had been pregnant and not even realised, albeit I was only a few weeks along but my period had been late. “So you didn’t know?” He asked.
“No. I would have told you if I knew, they said it was bad that they had to remove…” I trailed off then not wanting to speak the truth as if I didn’t then maybe it wasn’t real. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, kids had been something we had skimmed over both agreeing that they were way in the future but knowing that it might be harder to conceive one was upsetting and suddenly I couldn’t catch my breathe as I let some tears escape. It soon turned to panic when I realised it wasn’t because I was emotional that I couldn’t breathe.
I could tell she was panicking, that for some reason she couldn’t catch her breathe and as I reached to press the nurse call bell, her monitor began to go off and I watched one set of numbers decrease from 98 to 90 to 80 in a matter of seconds.
“Willow? Alright sweetie I’m just going to put some oxygen on you okay?” Becca said when she reached us quickly and looked at the monitor. “I need some help here please,” she called over her shoulder calmly as she pulled the stethoscope from around her neck so she could listen to Willow’s chest. She frowned and I knew that something wasn’t right.
“What’s wrong?” I asked panicked as Willow squeezed my hand still finding it increasingly hard to breathe.
“Page DR Newman, I think she has a pnemothorax there’s decreased air entry on the right side,” she said to one of the nurses who came to her aid when she called. “Prep a chest tube tray, and get me an intubation kit just in case” she said to another.
She increased the oxygen and sat Willow’s bed upright before she took her hand.
“Willow, I’m a bit concerned that you may have a collapsed lung, we may have to do a procedure and put a chest tube in to drain the escaped air okay? I’ve paged DR Newman and he is on his way.”
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Twenty minutes later and I still couldn’t really breathe any better. Even though they had given me a local I could still feel the poking around and cried out when I felt them push the tube in.
“It’s okay baby, it’s alright. I’m here,” Nick said squeezing my hand before he placed a kiss to my head.
“Okay Willow, horrible part is over, we just need to stitch it in place now but you shouldn’t feel that,” DR Newman said and after a few seconds I was able to breathe much easier, all the resistance was gone. “Once that’s done check a blood gas, I don’t want her to be acidotic,” He said to his intern.
“No,” I croaked remembering the pain of having them done before.
“We really need to check one Willow, your oxygen levels were low for some time,” he said looking over at me. “I know how much they hurt, I’ve had to have one myself but I need to know that your okay,” he said sympathetically and I felt myself holding my wrist out.
“Good girl, I’ll be back to check on you in a few minutes okay?” He said taking my chart and then I watched him walk over to the nurses station.
“You okay beautiful? You had me pretty scared,” Nick said stroking my face.
“I just want to go home Nick, I don’t want to be here anymore,” I answered pulling the mask down off my face so it was resting around my neck.
“I know baby but you have to stay here just a bit longer.”
“Willow are you ready?” The intern asked as he pulled on some gloves and I held out my wrist to him.
“Don’t watch him, look at me and squeeze my hand okay?” Nick whispered kissing me again and I nodded my head.
She called out in pain and I just didn’t know how much more of this I could take. All of the tests and surgeries and needles were really taking there toll on her and I knew that she needed me there to be supportive but I found it so difficult just having to sit and watch her suffer and offer empty words that didn’t really help.
“Your doing so well, and he’s nearly done,” I whispered to her as I brushed away her tears. True to my word he finished a few seconds later.
“Okay you guys you now the drill, Nick you care to do the honours?” he said handing my her arm and I put a bit of pressure on the puncture site with some gauze while she held her arm up a bit.
“See we’re old pros now,” I joked to her and she did crack a small smile.
Chapter Nine.
He whistled as he looked around the room. “A room with a view eh? Gone up in the world have you?” Howie asked, referring to the new room I was in as he came over and wrapped me in a hug. I had been moved to the spinal unit to start my long gruelling rehab which I was not impressed about.
“Yeah I can look out to a world I don’t feel part of anymore,” I said only half joking.
“She grumpy today,” Angel said from across the room where she was sat reading one of my magazines and I just stuck my tongue out at her.
“Well you are going to love me then aren’t you? I have had to call in every favour known to man but I have it,” he said pulling out the new yet to be released DVD of Transformers.
“You so rock D, thank you,” I said giving him a peck on the cheek. “Does Nick know you have this?” I asked.
“Nope. Do you really think I am stupid enough to give this to him? You would never have gotten it,” He answered sitting on the edge of my bed. “So how are you doing?”
“Grand considering I was bought in in February and we are now nearly at the end of March.”
“Hey no more chest tube,” he said realising that I was no longer connected to a bag via a tube in my chest.
“Nope. That was a barrel of laughs when they took that out,” I said remembering the immense pain that I had felt and how Nick and my Mom had both turned an unnatural shade of white. I still had a slight whole in my side but it was hidden under lots of gauze, I was still going to have a lovely scar though.
The conversation pretty much dried up then, I wasn’t really in the mood for company and didn’t have the energy to make small talk, I was rubbish company and seemed to put everyone around me in fowl moods. Angel had only been with me for an hour and she was already quiet, more interested in my reading material then me and I knew it wouldn’t take Howie long to make his excuses and leave.
“Leigh’s good, she says you better be out of her before Christmas because she wants you at the wedding.”
“I better be out of here before Christmas. How’s the recording going?” I asked.
“Good. But we could use some input from you, did Nick bring you the CD so you could listen?” He asked and I shook my head no. Nick and I barely talked that much about stuff anymore, and I knew that wasn’t his fault. He came in everyday without fail, always bringing me something that I either needed or something that would be an attempt to make me smile or laugh. Lately it had been increasingly harder to do that and I could see the strain it was putting on our relationship but I still couldn’t do anything about it.
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“You have to spring me out of here,” I begged as Kevin and Alex walked through the door to my hospital room. Eight weeks of the same four walls was driving my insane, I had serious cabin fever.
“Nice to see you too,” Jay said placing a kiss on my cheek, I just ignored him.
“I’m going fucking insane in here, I swear to god if I have to sit here a minute longer I’m gona hang myself with the nurse call bell,” I ranted, making Kevin crack up laughing. “It’s not funny, please guys just take me for a decent coffee at Starbucks or something, I’ll even settle for a fucking cup of cats piss coffee from McDonalds, anything as long as it is away from here.”
“I’ll go sweet talk the nurses,” Kevin said as he backtracked through the door.
Twenty minutes later I sighed happily as I pushed into the open air. I looked around, jealous of all the people who would be able to go home when they wanted, already not wanting to go back to my crappy room.
“Better?” Jay said sitting on the wall across from me and lighting up a cigarette.
“Be even better if I could have one of those,” I said smiling and he shook his head no. “Please Jay,” I begged, I seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.
“Willow sweetie you’ve gone how long without one? Over a year you really don’t need one,” he said taking a drag.
“I’ve also gone eight weeks without sex so I’m a bit frustrated. And seeing as I’m not gona have the latter any time soon your not gona deny me the pleasure of a ciggy are you?” I said and he caved throwing me the packet. We sat in silence then as we both smoked a cigarette whilst Kevin busied himself with something on his phone.
“How’s Kris?” I asked as I exhaled.
“Good, she said she’s going to stop by tomorrow to see you,” he said looking up to me and squinting as the sun got in his eyes.
“Cool, I’ve got physiotherapy in the morning but anytime after midday is great, I’ll just be sat staring at the same four walls, watching the same mind numbing crap on the TV.”
“Any news on when you can escape?” Jay asked stubbing out the remainder of his cigarette.
“I’m still on the IV drugs to stop me getting the encephalitis, and the antibiotics for the infection from the fucking chest tube they screwed up. They want me to have more physiotherapy as well. I just want to go home and try and get on with things.” I moaned.
“You don’t want to do too much too fast though, you’ll only-”
“Don’t ok? I have it with Nick and everyone else telling me this,” I said cutting Kevin off and then I felt immediately guilty. “Fuck,” I said as I could feel the tears welling up. He got up then and came across to wrap his arms around me.
“Go on vent,” he said pulling back.
“Don’t even think about holding back,” Jay said looking at me over the top of his sunglasses. It took me a few seconds but I wiped the few tears that had spilled away and began. Once I began I couldn’t stop.
“I’m fucking sick of being here, the same four walls, the same crap on the TV, if I want to pee I need someone to help me, if I sneeze someone wants to wipe my nose for me. Everyone is constantly asking if I’m ok, what the fuck do you think? Four weeks ago I was told I only had a slim chance of walking again, and now all I get are looks of pity and sympathy. Nick is driving me crazy, I cant do anything for myself, he’s always there doing it for me when all I want to do is tell him to fuck off, I… I don’t think I’ve done anything to deser… to…am I a bad person?” I said as I sobbed.
Jay got to me first pulling my head into his shoulder as he stroked my back.
“You’re one of the best people I know Willow. One of the best and you don’t deserve this but your strong and your going to get through this. We are going to help you through this,” He said as I cried into his shoulder.
I eventually gained control over myself and pulled away from him.
“Sorry,” I hiccupped.
“Don’t you dare say your sorry. Why have you been holding all this inside?” Kevin scolded.
“I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. I don’t want sympathy, I want things to be how they were before. I’ve never had to rely on anyone for anything and now I cant even go to bathroom by myself do you know how degrading that it? I just want to punch something, scream at the top of my lungs, break things anything to make me feel better.”
“Where’s Jane Carter when you need her?” Jay said I and I just looked at him completely perplexed. “What? I’m sure Nick wouldn’t you mind throwing a few punches.”
That was all it took. I lost it then as I completely laughed my head off, Kevin laughing along with me.
“I have succeeded in making you laugh, my work here is done.”
“Thanks guys. I just can’t help but feel down at the moment. I know I’m not much fun to be around.”
“Are you kidding? Moody women is my speciality sweetie,” Kevin said making me laugh again.
“I am going to tell Kris you said that.”
“Oh trust me she’ll some how know anyway. Anything you want me to get her to bring?”
“Some legs that work? Apart from that I’m pretty good,” I only half joked but neither of them laughed. “Not that funny? C’mon I thought that was pretty funny, tough crowd. How’s Nick?” I asked.
“You see him everyday why are you asking us?” Jay asked checking out a chick as she walked passed and I just rolled my eyes at him.
“FYI they weren’t real. He says he’s fine but have you watched The Hollow? Boy isn’t that good an actor. Has he spoken to either of you?”
“He’s Nick. He doesn’t show emotion very well, no scratch that he tries not to show emotion. He’s got his poker face on at the moment and he has an extremely good one of those.” Kev said before he took a sip of his coffee.
“He’s not liking the apartment all to himself. Other than that he hasn’t really said much about how he’s feeling when we talk its about how you are with him insisting that he’s “cool”. I’ve told him he’s a nerd and he’ll never be cool but he still doesn’t believe me,” Jay joked making me laugh, I knew I could always rely on him for that.
“We’re watching his back you don’t have to worry about that,” Kev reassured. Knowing that made it easier to come to a decision about what I needed to do.
Chapter Ten
I watched wondering where the Willow I knew had gone and whether I was ever going to get her back. She had changed so much over the past three months and I knew she had been through a hell of a lot but I didn’t like it.
She wasn’t even trying today. I knew it, Matt her physiotherapist knew it and she knew it. There was no resistance when he pushed against her legs she just let him move them.
“You can do better than this Willow,” Matt chastised as he paced her leg back down on the bed and wrote something down in the file.
“I’m tired today,” She shrugged. She wasn’t I knew she was lying I just didn’t know why. For that past week things had been going down hill with her. She was moody, irritable, snappy, nasty even. Very un-Willow like and that was starting to scare me. I had seen signs like this before but ignored them and look what that had achieved, a backstreet boy, one of my best friends, hell my brother in rehab. I knew there was no addiction involved but the depression was definitely there.
“Stop lying Will, at least have the decency to be honest.” I didn’t even know where that had come from and from the look she gave me I knew that I had gone to far. Her eyes narrowed as her demeanour changed and her fists clenched.
“FUCK YOU,” she yelled making a few other patients turn and look at her, at us. “You don’t how I’m feeling, and I don’t remember asking you to be here,” she hissed.
“You know what? Your right you didn’t ask me to be here, I’m here because I want to support and help you but I learnt long ago that you cant help people who don’t want to help themselves and I refuse to waste more of my time trying to do that. When your ready to grow up and deal I’ll be back,” I said totally losing my temper. I picked up my car keys and phone as I got up and left the unit.
I just stared at the door that he left through wondering where he got off having an attitude with me. I was the one who this accident had effected not him, he could still walk by himself, he could leave this place when he wanted but I was still stuck here.
“You ready to try again?” Matt asked and I just sighed as he went back to pushing against my leg, knowing I didn’t really have much of a choice.
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“There she is,” I heard a familiar voice say as I was wheeled back into my room.
“Aunty Willow,” Baylee called and I smiled my first genuine smile in a week, funny how kids could take all the pain and frustration away by just calling your name and hugging you like it had been forever since he had last seen you. “I drew you a picture, and I gots you flowers and candy. Can I have some of the candy?” he asked as he thrust all the stuff at me before I even had a chance to say hi back to him.
“Baylee,” Brian scolded but I just laughed at him as I pulled him in for another hug.
“Baylee boo I have missed you. Of course you can have some candy sweetie,” I said opening the box of chocolates and handing it to him.
“Hey trouble. How you doing?” Brian asked as he leaned down to hug me followed by Leighanne doing to same.
“I’ve been better. But hey at least I’m alive right?” I said half smiling, not missing the look that Bri and Leigh shared. “I’ve had a rubbish day, but other than that I’m doing ok,” I assured them as they sat down.
“Where’s Nick?” Brian asked as he quickly took the rest of the candy from Baylee before he ate the lot.
“That’s partly why I’m having a rubbish day, kind of had a fight, I don’t really want to talk about it,” I said looking out of the window, noticing how inviting the world seemed, once I was out of here I was never going to spend a day cooped up inside again if I could help it.
“Mommy I need to go to bathroom,” Baylee said pulling on her sleeve.
“Down the hall to the left,” I said as Leighanne smiled in thanks and I watched them leave.
“You ok? You seem-”
“Pissed off? Your not the first to notice.”
“I know how difficult it is to want to do things, to want to get out of here, I hated it after my surgery, it will get better,” he tried to reassure.
“You sure about that?” He rubbed my arm as he nodded yes. “ It’s just so frustrating Brian, I’m so bored here, daytime TV sucks, I can’t get into reading any books, I’m hardly writing anything and once again I am moaning to someone who has come to see me,” I said sighing.
“What can we do to help?” He asked.
“Spring me out of here?”
“You could sign out and leave.”
“You really think Nick and my folks would allow that?”
“You’re an adult Will, if your really that unhappy then leave.”
“I just don’t want to be here but I don’t want to have to go home and rely on him or anyone else.”
“Here or not your going to need support from somebody, your not going to get through this on your own,” he said and I knew he was right but it was just so difficult to admit that I did need help when I was used to being so independent.
“Peace offering,” I said as I stuck the flowers through the door but when I got know reply I stuck my head through, surely she still couldn’t be pissed at me, we had both been in the wrong yesterday. “I have chocolate too,” I tried to tempt but she still wouldn’t look at me, she just continued to stare out the window. “Ok, time for the big gun then…and if you want me to I’ll even sing along,” I lightly threw the little mermaid at her and she finally looked in my direction.
“I can’t do this Nick,” she whispered her eyes filling with tears before she quickly looked away. I sighed sitting down on the bed next to her, it was becoming harder and harder to pull her out of her deafest moods, I didn’t know what else I could do to help her. A.J, Kevin and Brian had told me about how she was feeling, what she had told them but she wouldn’t open to me.
“Do what Willow?”
“Be with you,” I barely heard her whisper, and I wished that I hadn’t. She couldn’t mean it, it was the meds, it had to be, she loved me, she told me and showed me enough.
“Swee…”
“Please let me finish…I…You deserve better than this Nick, your young and you shouldn’t feel obligated to have to… to… to stay with me, please let me finish,” I said placing a finger to his lips as he began to say something. “You’re an amazing man Nick, you need to live your life and you can’t do that with me, I can’t give you what you want,” I struggled with a sob.
“You already give me what I want Will; I want you, no one else. We’ve been through this, I love you and I’m going to help you through this,” He replied shrugging off my comments.
“Nick, I’m being serious, I can’t do this, watching you here with me its killing me knowing that you can do better, Pease if you love me you’ll go,” I said not meeting his gaze.
“If you love me you’ll let me make my own decision,” He countered lifting my chin so I was finally looking at him. “Why are saying all this now? What’s changed?”
“I…I might not be able to have children, there’s just too much damage,” I whispered closing my eyes to try and stop the tears falling.
“Sweetie, they said that it may just be a bit harder than normal. We’re not even ready to have babies yet so why are you getting so upset?“ he said wrapping his arm around me.
“Dr Richmond came in and said that they have found scarring and that it would be almost impossible and that it wouldn’t be wise to even try because of the state of my back,” I mumbled sniffing back tears.
“Well then that’s something we’ll face when we come to it.”
“You want kids Nick, and you deserve to have that, that’s something I can’t give you, please this is something I have to do,” I said, trying to make him understand, but it wasn’t working, his eyes blue eyes were filled with sadness, his brow furrowed.
“Willow, I know you’re down sweetie but pushing me away isn’t going to help you, I love you I want to be here for you, in a few weeks your going to feel more like yourself. Your doing really well with the physio and you’ll be able to come home soon and we can get back to normal, so c’mon which movie do you want to watch?” He said and I knew that he wasn’t going to go easily, so I gave in and sat with him.
I walked off the elevator and onto the ward smiling at the nurses that I had come to know quite well but when Diane didn’t return my smile I felt my heart leap in to my throat.
“What is it?” I asked her as I approached the desk.
“Uh…I…I’m going to have to ask you to leave Nick,” she said glancing towards Willow’s room but I couldn’t see in as the blinds were drawn.
“What’s happened? Is something wrong?” I asked panicking slightly.
“She’s fine, she just… she doesn’t want to see you, she asked me to keep you away, I’m sorry.”
“What? No I’m sorry I came her to see her and I’m not leaving, Willow,” I called pushing past her trying to get to her room but I felt a hand on my arm stopping me.
“Please don’t make me call security Nick,” she pleaded.
“Diane… she’s being ridiculous she needs people around her, she’ll go crazy by herself please let me in.”
“Nick I’ve seen others do this, trust me in a few days she’ll see what she is doing and that she does need people and she’ll call you,” She said rubbing my arm but I knew with Willow that wouldn’t happen, she was doing this because she thought she was protecting me, doing what was best for me and she wouldn’t call even if she really wanted to. I had to get to her now or I risked losing her.
“You don’t know her, she won’t, she’s stubborn, please let me see her,” I begged but she stood firm and shook her head no, and that’s when I lost it, tearing my arm out of her grip, I strode towards the door calling her name. Security were fast to catch up to me and I was roughly pulled back before I could open her door, I struggled against them but it was no good and I gave in as they pulled me back.
“This isn’t over Willow, please don’t do this,” I heard him call and a sob caught in my throat.
I wiped the tears away from eyes and tried to concentrate on TV in front of me. He’d see that I was doing this for him and eventually he would understand, I didn’t want him to resent me when I couldn’t give him what he wanted and that’s what would happen in then end, I knew it would.
Talking to him to try and make him understand hadn’t worked and I knew that this was going to be the only way I could make him stay away, I was going to be here for weeks which would give me the opportunity to put some distance between us and for him to realise that I was doing this for him because I loved him.
I jumped when I felt Diane’s hand on my shoulder; I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn’t even hear her come in.
“Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you, you ok?” she asked and I just nodded but she knew I was lying. “Came to check your vitals, you feeling any pain? Want any meds?” she asked taking my hand to check my pulse.
“No, I’m fine; can I get something to make me sleep though?” I asked and she frowned.
“I’d prefer that you didn’t, it’s better to get into a regular sleep pattern and its 1130 Willow, you want to talk?” she asked sitting on the bed.
“Not really.” We fell into silence as she took my blood pressure and temperature and I avoided her worried eyes.
“Ok, I’ll be back in a while to check on you” She said jotting something down in her file as she walked to the door but then stopped short of opening it and looked back to me, “He really loves you, he’s not going to go easy,” and with that she left leaving me to cry myself to sleep.
Chapter Twelve
I was starting to feel the burn in my calves, hell in the whole lower part of my body but I was determined to make it to the end of the bars.
“You ok?” Matt asked obviously noticing I was struggling, maybe it was the line of perspiration on my head that was the giveaway or maybe my deep breathing. The fact that I only nodded my response may have also alerted him. “It’s okay to stop, you’ve worked your ass off today,” he said trying to give me an out, a few weeks ago I would have taken him up on it but now I was more determined than ever. It was just a few more steps.
A few steps that seemed like a million miles away. Had it really been this difficult to learn to walk the first time round? After a few more minutes and a few steps where I felt like my legs were going to give way I made it to the end and sighed in relief.
“That’s great Willow, your really building up the strength again; I think we’ll call it a day though you look beat.” I smiled at Matt as I sat back down taking the weight off my legs and back.
“Thanks,” I said as he began to push me back to my room.
“I think tomorrow we’ll do a morning session in the hydro pool and then an afternoon session in the gym ok? I want to get you more confident on the crutches before next week, looking forward to going home?” he asked and I nodded glad he was behind me so that he couldn’t see my face. In reality I was dreading it, I was moving back in with my Mom and I knew she wasn’t going to keep Nick away. The only person who hadn’t yelled at me or told me how stupid I had been was Autumn, we actually hadn’t spoken about it, it was like she didn’t know but I knew it was only a matter of time before her true feelings about the situation came to light.
“Woah looks like someone is loved,” Matt said as we pulled up to my room. It was filled with Dora the explorer and the little mermaid balloons and I knew exactly who they were from. With his help I climbed onto my bed and looked around the room smiling at the sentiment. No Willow, you’ve moved on he has to too, this is for the best.
“Dora? God I get enough of that at home, I don’t need it at work too,” Matt exclaimed looking around the room.
“Your daughter like her?” I asked and he beamed over at me like he always did when the subject of his family came up and I knew that if Nick stayed with me he would never have that look, never get to be able to be a proud Dad.
“Does she, she’d be in heaven here,” he said writing in the file that was kept at the end of my bed.
“Take them,” I said to him.
“They’re yours Willow, they were a gift,” he said looking up.
“Matt, take them, they just remind me of something I would rather forget,” I sighed looking away from him.
“Want to talk?” he asked and I nodded no. “You know just because I am this good looking doesn’t mean that I don’t have a brain,” He joked and I laughed. “I might be able to help, sometimes it’s good to get another perspective on things you know,” he said sitting on the end of my bed. After a few minutes he knew that I wasn’t going to open up to him so he gave in and stood up. “Ok, I’ll take a few but I’m not taking them all,” he said gathering up a couple of the balloons. “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow, don’t forget your water wings,” he joked as I poked my tongue out at him and he left. I had just picked up a magazine when there was a knock at the door and I looked up to Autumn.
“Hey you,” I said throwing the magazine down as she came in and smiled at me.
“Nice balloons, who they from?” she asked and I threw her a look as she sat down on the chair beside my bed. “Sorry I asked, still coming home next week?” she asked.
“Yep, back to my Mom’s yay,” I said sarcastically rolling my eyes.
“Your choice Will, there is another place you could stay,” she said picking up the magazine and flipping through it.
“You have stairs to your apartment, can’t do stairs yet,” I said but I knew that’s not what she meant. She stayed silent for a moment and I could tell she was considering something.
“I was talking about another home you have,” she said raising her eyes slowly and I sighed looking out of the window watching the birds fly.
“Don’t A, I’m doing this for him, don’t make me explain ok.”
“Fine, I’ll leave it for now,” she said returning her gaze back to the magazine and we fell into silence for a few minutes until I broke the silence.
“Could you do me a favour?” I asked and she nodded, “Could you go and get my stuff and take it to my mom’s?”
“Why? Won’t anyone else do it?” she asked knowing full well everyone was siding with Nick and trying to get me to see him again and I looked at her until she relented with a sigh. “Fine, I just hope you know how stupid your being.”
“Don’t, please I need a friend right now I just want to get back to normal,” I said trying to stop the tears from coming.
“Your never going to get back to normal without him Will and you know it, but I’ll be your friend and be supportive just don’t expect me not to hang with Nick ok, he’s my friend now too and you should know I don’t like to see my friends get hurt,” she said a hint of anger in her voice.
“Fine, look I’m kinda tired so I’m gona get some sleep ok? I’ll call you later,” I said glad that she got the hint and got up to leave.
“Ok, see ya,” she said stalking out of the room leaving me in silence and only then did I let the tears fall.
Chapter Thirteen
I wasn’t even listening to the play back of the track, I was just staring at the screen of the computer, at the picture of her that had been more wallpaper for so long. A picture that she hated but a natural picture of her that I loved. She was sat on a gig box cross legged, her hair pulled into a messy ponytail and she looked tired as she concentrated on playing the guitar. I finally blinked a stopped staring at the screen when I heard Autumns voice behind me.
“Hey.”
“Hey, how did you get down here?” I asked looking to her.
“Aaron let me in, how you doing?” she asked sitting down beside me and I sighed running my hands through my hair as I stretched out in the chair.
“Starting to get pissed off now, it’s been eight weeks. She’s been avoiding my calls, I can’t see her, I’m going crazy… I …I don’t know what else to do,” I admitted my voice trembling slightly.
“Nick I don’t know what to say, she’s being stubborn, she asked me to come and get her stuff today,” she said lightly almost as if she didn’t want to tell me.
“No, if you do that then… then no Autumn tell her to come get it herself, maybe then she can see what she’s doing, that she’s making a mistake, that I still need her,” I said wiping away frustrated tears.
“Nick…,” she said getting up from her chair and pulling me into a hug. “I need to do this for her, I need her to feel that I am still her friend and that I kinda understand all her craziness, she’s been through a lot and she needs a bit of support and I don’t know maybe I can talk to her when she finally decides to open up and we can get this straightened out,” she said rubbing my back as I let my tears fall on to her shirt.
“Don’t let her take too long, she’s my life, I need her,” I whispered and she hugged me tighter.
“I’ll try honey, I promise I can’t stand seeing you both this miserable when you don’t have to be,” she sighed as I pulled away.
“How is she? Is she doing ok?” I asked wiping my eyes.
“Physically yeah, she can walk with a bit of support, she gets tired easily and her back hurts like crazy if she stays in the same position to long. She’s doing well considering they gave her a twenty percent chance of ever walking again, but emotionally she’s a wreck. She’s not sleeping properly; she’s snappy and avoids anything that might tell us how she’s really feeling. I can tell she misses you like crazy but she’s too stubborn to admit that she has made a mistake, she’s like you sweetie, miserable,” she said poking me lightly.
“She still being discharged on Monday?” I asked.
“Yes and I know what your thinking and I don’t think it’s a good idea, you go round there and your going to push her further away, you need to leave her for a while let me and her Mom work on her,” she said.
“I have to see her Autumn, I need to see her,” I whined.
“I know you do but do you really want to risk losing her for good?” she said and I nodded my head no. “So you gona help me get her stuff together?”
“She’s got loads of crap so I’ll pack it tonight and you can get it tomorrow ok?”
“That’s fine you gona be in all day?”
“Yeah…I… could you do me a favour?” I asked turning back to the computer in front of me and pressing a few keys.
“What sweetie?” She said standing up.
“Could you give her this,” I said placing the C.D in a box and handing it to her and she smiled taking it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I placed the last of her clothes in the box and sealed it up. I surveyed the room one last time to make sure I had remembered everything and then my eyes fell on Layla. She was sat in the corner of the room her head resting on her paws and she was watching me intently.
“Come here,” I said patting the floor next to me. Her ears perked up then and she came to me, nudging my hands so I would pet her. “At least I still have you huh?” I said stroking her head. “You miss her too though don’t you?” She looked up to me staring me in the eye as if she was trying to answer me.
I leant my head back against the wall and that was when I noticed the photo album on the shelf in her closet. I pushed myself up off the floor and went to retrieve it. I remembered making this for our first anniversary and giving it to her as a present. I ran my fingers down the spine and then opened it coming face to face of a picture of us on the set of Backstreet’s Back. I carried on flicking through the album, remembering the significant times in our relationship, all the good times that we had shared. I got to the back page and noticed things that I had not added, movie ticket stubs, plane tickets from the vacations we had taken together, news paper clippings from Knebworth. I ran my fingers over the grainy picture of her face and then wiped my eyes quickly when a few tears spilt on the page.
I closed the book quickly adding it to a half filled box that was open and then went to my closet retrieving my tiger hoody and a few t-shirts I knew that she always slept in and placed them alongside the album.
Chapter Fourteen
“Do you know how much crap you have?” Autumn asked moving the last of my boxes up the stairs to my old room. I knew I was going to have to sort through it all and the majority of it would need to be put into storage until I found my own place. I never thought I would be coming back here when I moved out all those years ago, it felt weird being back under this roof when I had been independent for so long.
“Yeah I know, thanks hon,” I said looking around the room as I leant on my crutches.
“I’m just glad I didn’t have to pack it all up Nick must have been up all night finding everything,” she said and I winced when she said his name. “He misses you, you know, he’s fucking miserable.”
“Don’t…” I said knowing full well that this was going to be her rant and due to the amount of time she had stored it up it was going to be a big one. I realised now why she hadn’t said anything at the hospital, she ran the risk of being kicked out there but here there was nothing I could do, my own mom would probably take her side and join in.
“No Will, you’re going to listen to what I have to say. He is going crazy without you, how many times has he reached out to you in the last eight weeks? How much longer are you going to avoid him for? He hasn’t don’t anything wrong so why are you punishing him? He fucking loves you Willow and your just being a selfish bitch. I can’t stand seeing you and him this upset and miserable all the time just talk to him,” she said aggressively whilst she moved some of the boxes out of the way.
“Autumn you have no idea what I’m going through right now, so don’t fucking judge me be a friend and be supportive if you cant do that then maybe you shouldn’t come round anymore,” I snarled and she blinked at me for a second before grabbing her purse and walking towards the door.
“Fine, you have now succeed in pushing two people out of your life Willow, how many more are you gona loose? I hope you know how lonely your going to be,” She said digging around in her purse for something. When she found it, it was thrown in my direction and landed on the bed beside me and by the time I looked back to the door she was gone leaving me alone. I picked up the blank c.d. and studied it for a minute before the curiosity got the better of me and I put it in the c.d. player.
It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you
It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every girl I see
But they'd only remind me of you
went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, boy, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...
All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you
Who was I kidding? I was miserable and from the sound of it so was he. This wasn’t how things were supposed to work out, we were supposed to get married and have babies and live happily ever but life had screwed us over and now we could never have those things. I could never have those things, he still could if only he would realise that and move on.
Wiping the tears from my eyes I turned off the C.D player and looked into the box resting on my bed. I pulled out the photo album on the top and sighed as I flicked through it. It had been my preset on our first anniversary, he had put together an album of our first year together… I snapped it shut quickly trying to forget the memories.
I put my hand in the box again and closed my eyes as I felt his hoody, his tiger hoody that I had stolen so long ago. I pulled it out and bought it to my nose, it smelt like him so he must have worn it recently. I pulled it over my head and wrapped my arms around myself as I felt the sobs coming out in racking force, as I curled up on my bed.
Nothing Compares - Sinead O’Connor. AN: Amazing song if you haven’t heard it sung by her please try to! The Sterophonics also do a great cover!
Chapter Fifteen
I could hear someone insistently ringing the doorbell and for a moment I thought it was him and I felt sick to my stomach, I knew if I saw him I would come totally undone and loose any resolve I had left.
I looked out the window and saw the familiar car and sighed in relief, although it wasn’t a person I was eager to see, it wasn’t him. I called out that was coming and hobbled to the door on my crutches. When I finally made it I came face to face with Howie.
“Hey you,” he said standing on the other side of the door, leaning against the frame.
“Hi, come in,” I said standing aside to give him room and he accepted the invite. I followed him into the kitchen and sat across from him at the breakfast bar.
“Looking for somewhere else to live?” He said noticing all the real estate brochures, and the laptop spread across the work surface. I could feel the crimson of my blush rise through my face but I didn’t know why I felt embarrassed about it, I had already moved out from the apartment that we shared and it wasn’t likely that everyone thought I was going to stay here forever.
“Yeah me and Mom have always got on better when we live apart, you want a drink or something?” I said getting up.
“I’ll get them, you sit down,” he said as he went to the refrigerator and took out two cans of coke. “ Before I forget I came to give you this,” He said pulling an envelope from out of his back pocket and I froze for a moment before he said, “Don’t tell Leigh it was a bit crumpled she’ll kill me.” Wedding invitation not a letter from him, it was ok to finally breath again. I took it from him and opened it up, I knew as I read it I would be sending back that sorry but I can’t attend portion of the invite and I think he knew that too.
“Thanks I saw Leigh a couple of days ok,” I said before I took a sip of my coke.
“Yeah she said, told me you were doing well on the crutches so I had to come and see for myself. I kept meaning to come round and see you but with organising the wedding and recording the album its been a bit crazy, I know that’s no excuse.”
“It’s fine don’t worry, how’s the album coming?” I asked, interested to know what was going on his life, wanting to know that he was ok, that he had gotten over me.
“Yeah nearly done, we’re just going to New York next week to put the finishing tracks down. Then is radio promotion after that, Brian and Jay are going together, and then me and…” he hesitated for a second before continuing “Me and Nick are touring the stations they don’t do, means we can hit more stations but in a shorter time.”
“Cool, I cant wait to hear it.”
“Are we going to address the elephant that seems to be sat between us?” He said and I sighed. “Nick told me that you and Autumn aren’t speaking now?”
“How does he know that?” I asked surprised.
“Autumn and Chris started seeing each other so I guess he found out through Chris, Will what are you doing? Your pushing everyone away,” he said looking at through his big brown eyes and I had to turn away from him, my eyes being averted to the files on the table between us. “ Kev said that he’s tried calling, Alex said your avoiding his calls what’s going on?”
“I…You’re his family he deserves to have you guys and… and every time I see one of you I’m just reminded of him and its too hard. I just need to forget,” I said closing my eyes so the tears wouldn’t fall.
“Forget what? All the good times that you guys had together? If this was something that you really wanted it wouldn’t be hard for you, I know you haven’t made the right decision and I think you know you’ve well and truly fucked up but that’s not going to matter to him and we certainty aren’t going to judge you if your worried about that.”
“He just needs to move on,” I said finally building up enough courage to look him in the eye.
“Like you have? Can you honestly say you don’t love him?”
“I’m doing this because I do love him, because he deserves to have a family.”
“You can still have a family. You can be together and most importantly you can both be happy.”
“He put you up to this didn’t he?” I asked and it was his turn to sigh.
“No he didn’t, I came here because one of my best friends is hurting right now and he has already been through so much shit in his life that I wanted to try and help him. He deserves some happiness and he had that when he was with you.”
“Nothings going to change Howie, I’m not going to go back to him, and although I appreciate the invitation I’m really sorry but I’m not going to come to the wedding, it wouldn’t be fair,” I said handing it back to him. He stared at me for the longest time and then got up and just left, but not before sticking the invitation under a magnet so it would stick to the fridge.
Chapter Sixteen
There you go caught you crashing my dreams again
Just when I'm trying to get over you
I tell my heart but I can't seem to comprehend
A day without you
Now you carved out a life but I wear the scars
Reminding me by the hour
That it's time to accept it's the way the things are
I wish I could but
I can't imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why you can't be any other way, any other way
“Are you even listening to me?” Howie asked and I turned to him a blank expression on my face. “I’ll take that as a no then,” he said throwing a fry at me which I just threw in the trash can beside me. “Ok who are you and what have you done with the real Nick Carter?” he asked and I just stuck my tongue out at him. “Dude one fry is not going to wreck your diet, live it up a little.”
“Not hungry,” I shrugged going back to what I was writing in my notebook as we waited to board the plane.
“Ok seriously who are you? Where’s my Nicky?!” He exclaimed shaking me lightly making a joke.
“He’s long gone,” I said under my breathe but he heard me.
“Nicky -”
“Don’t call me that, Willow calls me that,” I said cutting him off and he sighed.
“She’ll come round,” he said and I just chuckled. It had been just over three months since she had kicked me out of the hospital, I had called, wrote letters, sent flowers and gifts but she had changed her number and everything I had send had found its way back to me unopened. I just had to face the fact that she wasn’t coming home to me, that no matter how hard I tried she had made her decision. I knew she wanted me to get over her but I just couldn’t, it wasn’t as easy as she was making it out to be.
I was so down and there was nothing I could do to pull myself out of it, I wasn’t even excited about the new album, about going back out on tour, I could actually think of nothing worse, but I also didn’t want to be at home. Everywhere I looked I was reminded of her, of the good times that we had together, of the bad times we had shared, all the arguments and of all the fun we had making up.
“Are you sure your not going deaf?” I just looked up at him again and he sighed, “Flight has just been called, c’mon Kaos,” he said pulling my arm.
Since you drained all the color out of the sky
How am I supposed to feel
It's like I'm living in somebody else's life
Tell me it's not real
I cant imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why you can't be any other way
I cant imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why you can't be any other way
They all thought that I was still asleep, that I couldn’t hear them, usually on a flight that would have been the case. I always slept through them, that way I avoided crapping myself when we hit turbulence but I had actually been awake for the entire flight, faking sleep because I couldn’t be bothered with the conversation.
“I’m worried he’s going to do something,” I heard Alex say.
“Like what?” Brain asked.
“Hurt himself.”
“I know he’s down but he wouldn’t do that, where did you get that from?” Howie asked.
“I’ve had Chris on the phone and Shannon. Apparently he got really drunk a few weeks ago, said a few things and scared the shit out of both of them, saying life wasn’t worth it and shit,” he said and I could hear a hint of fear in his voice.
“Does he remember he said that?” Brian quizzed.
“They don’t think so, he woke up the next morning and carried on like nothing had happened.” I did remember, I remembered everything about that night, getting so shit faced to try and forget, but it had backfired and I had been hyper emotional, ending up crying for hours to Shannon and Chris and Autumn. Then I had spent the rest of the next day with my head down the toilet from all the fucking tequila. I had been serious too, I had wanted to end it but I was just to chicken shit to do anything about it.
“It was just the alcohol, you can’t remember that you told me that I should cut my hair cause I was starting to look like a girl and that you were partially attracted to me,” Howie said.
“Fuck off I did not say that………Did I?” A.J asked and I had to bite back a chuckle.
“Kinda yeah,” Brian agreed.
“Well I obviously scared you enough to have it cut off but we’re getting away from the subject here, should we be worried?”
“Of course we should, he’s not himself, but I don’t think bringing it up is going to be what he needs, we just need to keep an eye on him that’s all.”
“That’s going to be difficult considering he is in recluse mode and will head straight for his room when he hit the hotel,” Jay said and it scared me how well he knew me, though I’m not sure why I had known him for fifteen years.
Like we never had a falling out
Like the tears, they never hit the ground
Like you're still here, you're still here
Since you drained all the color out of the sky
I cant imagine it any other way
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why you can't be any other way
(Why does it have to be, why does it have to be)
A world without you is only wasted space
You're gone and I'll always wonder
Why you can't be any other way, any other way
I nearly hit the roof when I felt the hand pat my shoulder. I looked quickly behind my back as I pulled the headphones from my ears.
“Sorry Dude,” Brian said laughing.
“How the hell did you get in here?” I asked as my heart rate returned to normal.
“Door wasn’t locked, I knocked but got no reply,” he said pointing to the IPOD as he took a seat on the couch. “You okay?” He asked picking up the small stress ball designed to look like a basket ball.
“Fine why wouldn’t I be?” I shrugged as I closed my notebook.
“I haven’t really had the chance to speak to you one on one for a bit, just wanted to check,” he said throwing the ball from hand to hand.
“I’m not gona hurt myself like you all think I will,” I said as I started to boot up my laptop.
“So you were awake?”
“Yeah and I don’t need you babysitting me or worrying about me.”
“Well we are worried, your not going to be able to stop that. I just don’t know what to do to make you feel better Frack,” he said using a nickname that he hadn’t used in a while.
“You can’t do anything. I just I feel like I’m in a bad dream that I can’t wake up from. I’m so sick of feeling this way, she’s the only person I’ve been truly happy with, its been the only period of my life where I have felt happy and content and now its gone and I don’t know what I’ve done,” I said feeling another headache build up behind my eye.
“You didn’t do anything Nick.”
“Then why is she doing this? Huh? Tell me I want to know.”
“I don’t know what to say man, I just think she’s confused and I think that she feels she is doing the right thing so that you can have a family.”
“I don’t give a fuck about any of that stuff, I don’t want a family if its not with her. Why cant she see that?”
“I don’t know buddy I really don’t know.”
Any Other Way - Backstreet Boys
“Where are you?” My Dad asked and I looked at him in confusion. Even though I turned twenty seven today I still loved hugs from my Dad and how we would still play stupid games like slapsy from when I was a child. I also knew that if I asked him for a bedtime story he wouldn’t hesitate.
“Sat in your living room in Florida which is in the USA,” I replied.
“In body but not in mind, are you in New York?” He asked sitting down next to me.
“Why would I be in New York?” I asked.
“Nick’s doing promo there, you know -”
“Don’t,” I said cutting him off, going back to watching the TV in front of me but my Step Mom turned it off. “If you guys are going to gang up on me on my birthday then I’m leaving,” I said making a move to get up but he grabbed my arm.
“I have seen one smile from you all day, the Willow I used to know got excited about her birthday at least a month in advance, and definitely wouldn’t shut up about it at all on the day, she would be laughing, and joking and smiling, where is she?”
“You want to know where she is?” I said raising my voice, “She’s long gone, hell she died that night in the accident, at least that’s what I wish had happened.”
“You don’t mean that,” Harriet said.
“Yes I do. I am so sick of everyone. I hate how you all look at me like I’m about to break at any moment or like I’m nothing without him, I’m doing fine without him and he is doing fine without me. He’s obviously over me, he forgot about today,” I yelled wiping away my tears.
“So that’s what today is about, you think he’s over you, that he forgot,” my Dad said as he walked over to the dresser rummaging through a draw until he found what he was looking for.
“Here I got this in the post a few days ago and he called me yesterday asking me to give it to you, I was going to slip it in your purse before you left but you can have it now,” he said handing me the envelope. “Are you going to open it?”
“We’ll be in the kitchen If you need us,” Harriet said pulling my Dad from the room.
I must have sat there for about five minutes just looking at the scrawled addressed envelope before I eventually gathered the courage to open it.
I pulled out the drawing he had done of both of us, both with party hats and me blowing out candles on a birthday cake. All that was written was Happy Birthday Tree and then in the corner in the middle of a love heart was NC and WA. I held it in my hand and let a few tears fall down my cheek and on to the paper.
………………………………..........................................................................................
I checked my phone again for what seemed like the millionth time that day. It was still blank, she still hadn’t called and I was beginning to wonder whether her Dad had been true to his word in giving it to her.
“You know a watched kettle never boils,” Howie said to me as we got into the cab to take us back to the hotel.
“Yeah and people who talk in riddles get a beat down,” I said hitting his arm.
“You send her anything?” He asked.
“What?” I asked trying to make him think I had no idea what he was talking about.
“Don’t play stupid, she’s what twenty six today?” he asked.
“Twenty seven,” I corrected making him grin at me. “So what I remembered her birthday, she is, I mean was my girlfriend,” I said averting my eyes from his.
“She still is,” he said hitting my arm .
“Yeah right, whatever,” I mumbled.
“She’ll come round Nick.”
“Yeah in how many more months or years?” I scoffed.
“Have you called her today? You know maybe you should try, she might want to talk, she might have realised but be to embarrassed to pick up the phone,” he said.
“I doubt it.”
“How will you know if you don’t try?”
………………………………...............................................................................................
“How was your Dad’s?” My Mom asked as I leant my crutches up against the wall so I could take my jacket off.
“Fine,” I replied not looking at her as I began to kick my flip flops off.
“So what did he get you?” She asked rummaging through the gift bag I had bought in with me. I wasn’t quick enough to stop her and she pulled out the rolled up picture Nick had drawn for me. “If it all went under for him musically he could be an artist,” she chuckled looking at it.
“I’m going to bed,” I said picking up my crutches as I began to head towards the stairs.
“I’ve just opened a bottle of wine, come and have a glass with me,” she said pulling my arm.
“I don’t really feel like it.”
“Come on you only turn twenty seven once,” she insisted and I relented following her into the lounge.
“Where’s Ian?” I asked noticing he wasn’t around.
“Working tonight, so what did your Dad get you?” She asked looking through the bag.
“Gift vouchers, and better software so I can produce some tracks on my computer, bath salts,” I shrugged taking a sip of my wine.
“So you had a nice evening with him and Harriet?”
“Yep,” I said pretending I was into the episode of ER that was playing on the TV when really I was just staring at the screen not taking any of it in.
“So how does it feel to be twenty seven?” She asked just like she did every year and I answered the same as I did every year.
“No different.”
“Well I’m going to bed,” she said getting up and kissing my head, “You be okay getting up the stairs by yourself?” She asked and I nodded my head yes. “Night night sweetie,” she said walking towards the door and then she turned quickly, “Oh before I forget there’s a message for you on the machine.”
I finished the rest of my wine before I hobbled over to the TV without my crutches, I was definitely getting more stable on my own two feet now. I walked across to the phone and the red light was blinking just as I knew it would be, so I pressed the button to listen to it, not at all prepared for what I heard.
“Hey beautiful,“ the moment I heard his voice I started to crumble. “I know you’ve asked me not to contact you but I couldn’t leave today so I hope you’ve had a good birthday baby,” I could hear from his voice that he was getting emotional and that made me cry even harder. “I…I wish I could be there with you, I miss you so much baby, so, so much and I love you,” he sniffed and I slid down the wall I was resting against putting my head in my hands. “I’m still at the same number and you can call whenever you like even if it’s like three am, it would be nice to hear your voice. So er Happy birthday, Love you,” he said one last time before blowing me a kiss and then hanging up leaving me to sob into my hands.
“Oh Willow,” My Mom sighed as she tried to pull me into her but I pushed her away.
“Don’t. You knew, you knew it was him and you let me listen. I hate you and dad for meddling with my life, just leave me alone,” I yelled as I struggled to get up. “Get off me,” I said pushing her when she tried to help me.
“You may hate me Willow but right now I am all you’ve got,” she said watching me retreat to the study. “You’ve managed to push a lot of people away but don’t you dare even think for even one second you will succeed in doing it to me,” she yelled as I slammed the door.
Chapter Eighteen
“WILLOW!” Someone shouted my name and I turned my head looking over the crowded Starbucks. I spotted him straight away and smiled as I grabbed my drink and walked towards him. Luckily my drink was in a take out cup otherwise it would have gone everywhere when he pulled me into a bear hug. He held me for the longest time and I squeezed back, Kevin always knew how to give great hugs.
“How are you?” he asked sitting down and I followed suit. I was about to answer when I noticed the stroller with the baby inside and got distracted.
“Kev he’s gorgeous,” I said pulling the blanket back so I could get a better look at the bundle inside. He smiled proudly.
“I know, thank you for his outfits,” he said lifting her out and handing him to me.
“Hi Mason,” I said as I gladly took him for a cuddle.
“So stranger, how you been?” He asked.
“Good, finally starting to get my life back in order,” I said my eyes never leaving the baby. He was quiet for a while and I finally looked up to him. He was studying me intently.
“Anyone ever tell you how crap you are at lying?”
“Kev, please don’t,” I said trying to keep composed but I could start to feel tears prick at my eyes.
“For a women who was told she had little chance of walking again you sure strutted your way in here,” he said changing the subject to for which I was grateful.
“I know, no one ever tells me I can’t do anything,” I said smiling.
“Yeah especially Nick,” he said and I knew that it was an honest mistake. “I…sorry.”
“Don’t be, so how is the new Mommy?” I asked as Mason grabbed on to my finger with his whole hand.
“Good, she is having some alone time this afternoon so she’s probably sleeping,” he said with a smile.
“Exhausted then?” I asked and he nodded. “I could just take you home, yes I could, I might try and slip you in my purse,” I said as she stared up at me and Kev laughed.
“So you still at your Mom’s?” He asked.
“Oh yes but not for much longer, found a new place, just an apartment and there‘s a possibility of some work for the winter but your not privy enough to know,” I said winking at him.
“Aww tell me, you can’t say something like that then not tell me.”
“I’ve been head hunted by a well known person in the industry for a TV show that he does, I can’t say anymore, I’m sure that tid bit will end up on Perez now,” I said and he laughed. We both sat quietly for a while and I studied Mason, would I crave for one so much if I knew that I could have them? Or was it that evil circle of you know you can’t have it so you want all the more? He was this perfect being part of both Kevin and Kris, I could see traits of both of them in him, what would our children have looked like? Would they have had Nick’s stupid sense of humour?
“He misses you,” I snapped my head up and looked at him. “Hear me out ok? I know you have been dealt a raw deal Will and I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you but surely being away from him isn’t making you feel any better? He needs you and I know that you need him, do you not see how miserable you are making not only him but yourself and you really don’t have to. I know you’re trying to protect him but your not, your punishing yourself for something that you have no control over.”
“Kev I really don’t want to get into this,” I said as I put the baby back in the stroller.
“Sweetie, don’t push him away, your going to regret it everyday for the rest of your life,” he said grabbing on to my arm as I stood up.
“Tell Kris I said hi, I’ll try and stop by to see her soon, bye Kev,” I said as I pulled my arm from his grasp and walked away as he called my name.
I didn’t realise I was holding my breath until I reached outside and when I went to take another one a sob escaped my lips making a few people turn to look at me. I quickly pulled my sunglasses from the top of my head and put them across my eyes in a futile attempt to hide from the world, or was I trying to hide from myself? I walked down the street to my car and when I reached it I had to dig through my bag for the keys.
I sat inside and threw my bag into the passenger seat, then put the keys in the ignition but I couldn’t bring myself to turn it on. I just sat there and cried.
Chapter Nineteen
The door opened and he took one look at me before pulling me into a hug and I sobbed. He didn’t say anything just stood at the door and rocked me back and forth as I cried.
“I’m sorry,” I said as I gained some composure and pulled back from him to wipe my eyes, the mascara that had run making them sting.
“Don’t be, come in,” he said as he led me into the kitchen where Kris was stood heating up a bottle for wailing Mason. She looked up a big smile crossing her face.
“Hey,” she said coming over and hugging me as best she could with a one month old in her arms. “Here cuddle,” she said handing over her son as she removed the bottle from the hot water and tested it. I sat down at the table and rocked him slightly to try and calm him but it didn’t seem to work. He knew what he needed and he wasn’t going to stop crying till he got and I totally understood how he was feeling. All day ever since I had seen Kevin I hadn’t been able to stop crying, I just kept thinking about him, all the stuff I was missing with him.
She handed me the bottle and I placed it to his lips and instantly he was calm, suckling contently on the bottle. And I just started crying again. Kevin was at beside me and rubbed my arm.
“Sorry,” I apologised as I sniffled.
“Stop it, its good to see you, I’d ask how you were but…” I laughed at her comment and she smiled.
“I miss him, and… I don’t … I can’t do this anymore.”
“Hallelujah,” Kevin said and Kris hit his arm. “What? It’s about time, sorry Will but it is,” He said and I smiled knowing that he was right.
“I love him, I was trying to protect him but I don’t want to be alone anymore I don’t want to be without him,” I said stroking Masons tiny hand that was gripped onto mine that held his bottle.
“Why are you here Will?” Kris asked pushing a stray strand of hair away from my face.
“Because…I…cause.”
“He’s not going to say no sweetie, you could wait fifty years and he would still take you back,” Kevin said as if he could read my fears straight from my head.
“Part of me knows that but… I’m so confused right now, I want to be with him but I think I’m being selfish because I can’t give him what he wants but I love him so much, I really do,” I said trying to make them see why I had done what I had done.
“You are not being selfish, he wants you Willow and nothing else. Do you know how difficult it was to get him to leave the ICU? Damn near impossible, he was so scared he was going to loose you after the accident. If he had of lost you Willow I don’t think he would be here,” Kris said.
“I’m such a bitch he was nothing but supportive and there for me and I pushed him away. God I’ve pushed everyone away and I feel so alone,” I said crying again. Kevin took Mason then and Kris pulled me into a massive cuddle rubbing my back in a circular motion to try and comfort me.
“Willow honey, you are not alone you hear me?” She said pulling back after few minutes. “Everyone is here for you, Kev and me, Bri and Leigh, Howie and Leigh, Jay, Your folks, Autumn and most of all Chunk or not so chunky as I like to call him now,” she said taking my hand and squeezing it.
“Why?” I asked wondering what she was going on about.
“He’s lost quite a bit of weight. I don’t think he was eating properly when you were in the hospital and he’s been going to the gym a lot. I think he was going because he didn’t want to be at home by himself,” Kev said as he burped Mason.
“Is he okay?” I asked concerned.
“Physically he’s in the best shape he’s ever been in. Mentally and emotionally he’s a bit like you,” he replied.
“I don’t know what I can do to make it right, it’s so difficult, I don’t even know where to start, what to tell him.”
“Tell him that you love him, tell him you made a mistake,” Kevin said and it was all so simple.
Chapter Twenty
My back was killing me and that was reason enough to want to inflict some pain on the holier than thou receptionist in front of me.
“I’m sorry I can’t give you that information, it’s confidential,” she said sweetly but I was sure I saw a hint of an evil grin.
“Look they are either here or at one other hotel I just need to know, I’m his girlfriend,” I sighed rubbing my back. Maybe they weren’t here, there was no tell tale sign of fans anywhere in the lobby but then again that could just mean that they had followed him to the radio station.
“Like I said I can’t give away information like that.”
“I want to speak to a member of the management then,” I nearly hissed as I dropped my bag to the floor.
“M’am there really is no need for that, they will just tell you what I have.”
“Well I’d like to hear it from them so if you wouldn’t mind giving them a call,” I said picking up the phone and she snatched it from me before dialling.
Ten minutes later I was seated in the managers office.
“What can I do for you Miss Abrams?” He asked taking a seat across from me resting his hands on the desk in front of him.
“I need to know whether a Nick Carter is staying here, he’s my boy…” I stopped myself short as I didn’t know whether he still was my boyfriend. “I came here to find him to apologise he’s either here or at one other hotel down the road.”
“I can tell you that no one under that name has checked in,” he said over annunciating so insinuating that he was here just under a pseudonym. That created more problems in itself, Nick had a habit of creating stupid ones that were difficult to remember. This was going to take some extreme thinking.
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Four hours later I had his room number but I couldn’t face him. I sat in the room that I booked wondering what I could say to him, what words would be enough, whether I would be able to speak at all when I saw him.
Would it be like Kevin had suggested? Or would he have moved on? Would today finally be the day that he had gotten over me?
There was a knock at the door and I stupidly thought it was him, that somehow he knew I was here, that maybe Kevin had called him to give him a heads up. Feeling ill I went to retrieve it only to be disappointed when it I realised it was the room service I had ordered. I moved aside so he could push the trolley in and I went to retrieve my purse for a tip and that when I heard his voice.
I turned slowly expecting to see him in the room but it was just the bell boy, I could still hear him though but his voice was getting further away, he must have been walking passed the door, down the hallway. I handed the guy the tip and he smiled graciously as he took it.
“Enjoy your dinner,” he said as he retreated from the room and shut the door.
I sat down on the bed and looked at the food beautifully displayed before me and suddenly I wasn’t hungry anymore, I knew where I had to go, what I needed to do. I grabbed my flip flops and attached them to my feet and then stood up and looked at myself in the full length mirror, I looked like a complete mess but I knew for a fact that would get worse when I saw him and my eyes were still hurting from the mascara that had ran in to them yesterday, I didn’t want that again today. I took a deep breath in and slowly released it and then headed towards the door.
It only took me about three minutes to find his room but I think I stood there for about five before I finally mustered up the courage to actually knock. I took another deep breath and bought my hand up to the door but just as I was about to knock it opened.
Chapter Twenty One
Lately I’ve been thinking about the things we’ve been through
And I don’t know if I’d be here if not for you
I had to take a little time to try to work things out
And you should know that I had never meant to let you down
Cause I, I want to tell you that I’m sorry
And I, I
His brown eyes were filled with confusion when he saw me and I think the shock and frustration of seeing him rather than who I had came to see started the tears. He pulled me into the room quickly and wrapped his arms around me in a hug.
“He’s next door,” he said as he pulled away and sat on the arm of the couch. “Said he’s going to take a shower, I’ve got the spare key card to his room cause well you know how he is with losing things,” he said smiling at me and I nodded chucking slightly as I took it from his hand and sighed. “Just remember he loves you,” he said as he guided me towards the door.
Once again I found myself outside a door and my hand was shaking so bad that I knew I wouldn’t be able to swipe the card. I closed my eyes for a few seconds and just let my hand feed the card through. I heard the lock click and pushed the handle down, praying that he was still in the shower.
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath smelling the scent of him and it soothed me. The clothes he had put my box of things had lost his smell a few weeks back and I remembered crying myself to sleep when I realised that. The small living area was a complete mess, clothes everywhere, c.d’s and magazines strewn about the place and I just rolled my eyes thinking how certain things would never change. I quietly walked towards the next doorway but couldn’t hear the shower running but I couldn’t hear any other noise or movement either. I pushed down slowly on the door handle and my breath caught in my throat when I saw him.
Even when I’m not giving enough
And I’m taking too much
You’re still there for me
And even when I got nothing at all
And I’m ready to fall
You’re still there for me
There for me
There for me
Even when I can’t be there for you
You’re always there for me
It had been twenty four weeks; four days and seven hours since I had seen him last. He was snoring slightly, his mouth open, curled up on his side. I stared at him for ages noticing how skinny he looked, not that I would have called him fat before, I also noticed how stressed he looked even in sleep, his fists were clenched, his brow furrowed and he had bags under his eyes.
I was the cause of that.
I had made him feel this way because I had been to selfish to let him in to be able to understand how I was feeling and I felt the tears spring to my eyes. I slowly walked towards him hoping he would stay sleeping a while longer while I built up the courage to be able to talk to him when he was awake. I gently sat beside him and he stirred lightly at the movement of the bed but didn’t wake.
Sometime I know I can be so hard to understand
Even when I’m lost you show me who I really am
Life with me hasn’t always been an easy ride
But with you I’ve learned to loose my selfish pride
Cause I, I want to tell you that I’m sorry
And I, I
“Nicky I’m so sorry,” I heard someone whisper as I felt a hand weave through my hair. I sighed lightly and opened my eyes to a silhouette of someone, even half asleep I knew who it was, there was no mistaking it was her so again I must have been dreaming. How many times I had dreamt abut her this week? It was getting harder and harder every time I woke up alone but when I felt her brush my cheek I knew this time it was real.
“Willow?” I croaked and she whipped her hand away looking at me like a dear caught in headlights. This wasn’t a dream, she was really here. I sat up but was pushed back down as she threw herself at me clinging on to my waist and soaking me with her sobs. I pulled her close trying to soothe her. “Shhh, its ok, its ok,” I whispered rocking her back and forth but her sobs didn’t stop instead they got harder as she tried pulling me even closer and I knew that she needed this so I just let her cry.
Even when I’m not giving enough
And I’m taking too much
You’re still there for me
And even when I got nothing at all
And I’m ready to fall
You’re still there for me
There for me
There fore m e
Even when I can’t be there for you
You’re always there for me
After a while her sobs died out and were replaced by the sounds of her even breathing against my chest and I knew that she had exhausted herself and fallen asleep but I didn’t care, she was here and that was all that mattered. I gently moved so that my back was propped up against the pillows and just watched her as she slept.
She looked so peaceful snuggled up against me and I was reminded of mornings when I used to wake up before her and just watch as she slept, it had been so long since we had done this. I kissed her head lightly offering up a silent thanks to God for bringing her back into my life. Now she was here I wasn’t going to let her go again.
Melissa Schuman Feat Nick Carter – There for Me.
I opened my eyes and realised that I was resting on someone’s chest and that’s when the events of the past few days unfolded in my head. I moved my head and looked up to come face to face with a beautiful pair of blue eyes smiling down at me.
“Hey,” he whispered and I smiled back to him wincing slightly when I tried to move but my back screamed in protest, “You ok?” he asked concerned.
“My back doesn’t like how I’ve been laying, I’ll be fine in a minute,” I said interlacing his fingers with mine and he squeezed back, “How long was I asleep for?” I asked.
“About an hour,” He replied before kissing my head. We stayed silent for a while and I snuggled into his chest more, finally realising how much I had missed this. Just being with him, I felt protected and safe in his arms.
“I’m sorry Nick,” I said quietly as I felt the tears spring to my eyes.
“Baby, don’t cry. You’re here now and that’s what matters,” he said pulling me into his chest and kissing my head but what he said just made it worse and I started sobbing. He moved onto his side then so I would have to move as well and he looked directly into my eyes wiping away the tears with the pads of his thumbs. He said nothing just stared at me for a few moments before he lent in and kissed me so softly, as if I would break or disappear. He pulled back after a few seconds, smiling at me and I had to blink back more tears. I weaved my hands through his hair and he closed his eyes at the feeling, it had always been something he had loved, said it was relaxing, then I bought his forehead down to rest on mine and lent my mouth up to kiss him.
I felt her tongue brush against my bottom lip and opened my mouth slightly to give her the access that she wanted, she sighed into my mouth when my tongue came into contact with hers. When I pulled back from the kiss and looked into her eyes I knew what she wanted, and I would have been lying if I said I didn’t want it too. She rolled over onto her back and pulled me with her, opening her legs so I could rest comfortably between them.
I leant down again to kiss her as I grazed my hand up and down her side. Her hand hands trailed down my back, lightly scratching it before she started tugging at my t-shirt and started to lift it up so I could take it off. I pulled away from her long enough to remove it and she sat resting on her elbows just watching me, throwing the t-shirt across the room I went back to her laying her down again as I lifted her top up tank top over her head. I attacked her neck with little frenzied kisses making her sigh while she massaged my scalp tugging at my hair slightly, a sensation she knew I loved. I grabbed hold of her thigh and threw her leg over mine and she rose her hips up to mine making me even harder if that were possible.
She pulled my head up to hers and kissed me again as I rolled us so that she was resting on top of me. She sat up and just smiled down at me through her tears as I reached my hand up to stroke her face, she closed her eyes and lent in to it smiling deeply whilst she rubbed her hands up my arms and down my chest. I bought her head back down to mine so I could kiss her again, my hands snaking round to undo her bra which I then threw across the room. She sat up quickly and moved down my legs, trailing kisses down my chest, fumbling a bit when she reached the buttons of my jeans and I sighed in both nervousness and anticipation. It had been so long since we’d had sex I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to last long, I had to try and make this last but when I felt her hands on me cupping my balls I nearly came right there.
I sat up taking her hands in mine as I gently laid her back down and started to trail kisses from her neck down between the valley of her breasts, down her stomach darting my tongue in her bellybutton making her giggle slightly. When I came to the waist band of her trousers I stopped for a moment and then peeled them off her but left her panties. There was a wet patch that I could see and feel when I rubbed my hand across her and she gasped at the sensation. I slowly and deliberately kissed along the top of the fabric before I tugged at them and pulled them down her legs.
She spread her legs trying to guide me to where she needed me to be but I started to kiss the sensitive skin on the inside of her thighs. When I knew she was concentrating hard on the sensations she was feeling I closed my mouth around her clit and she started to pant, her hands enclosing round my head to bring me up to her. Once again I kissed and licked my way up her body, kissing her when I reached her mouth. She raised her hips up slightly and I could feel her wetness as my tip rubbed against her, we both groaned as I slowly entered her, she was so tight around me and I knew that we both wouldn’t be able to last long.
I slowly began moving, my eyes fixed on hers and we both watched each other intently. I ran my hand down her thigh lifting her leg slightly and holding it there so I could thrust deeper. There were no words, we didn’t need words to express how we felt, all that could be heard was the sounds of us moving against the sheets and the increase in our breathing as we came closer to the end, she started panting and her hands griped at my arm as her walls tightened around me. I rested my forehead on hers watching her as she came.
“I love you,” he whispered before he let himself go inside me and I just started sobbing again I couldn’t help it. He pulled out of me and rolled to the side taking me with him, wrapping his arms around me and pulling my head into the crock of his neck and he tried to calm me down. “Shhh baby it’s okay, it’s okay, shhh,” he said as he gently rocked me and planted feather like kisses on my head. After a few minutes I was able to get control over myself but because I had been crying to so much I began to hiccup making him giggle.
“I…I love you Nick, I’m so…so…sorr…sorry,” I whispered as I started sobbing again. He pulled me back in close and began to rock me again, just letting me cry which was exactly what I needed.
“God Will, I love you,” he said.
“You do?” I hiccupped as I pulled away looking at him questioningly.
“Course I do, I could never stop loving you c’mere,” he whispered.
“I’ve been such a bitch Nick, I pushed you away and… and …and,” I couldn’t finish what I was saying as sobs over took again.
“Sweetie you’ve got to stop this, calm down and we can sit and talk,” he said rubbing my back trying to get me to settle and after a while I did pulling back from him and wipe my eyes. I opened my mouth to say something but closed it abruptly how in the hell could go about explaining to him?
“I don’t know where to start,” I said honestly and he tilted his head to look at me, like he was studying me as if I were going to disappear again.
“Food. How about we order some room service and then we can figure this whole thing out?” He said and I nodded.
Chapter twenty three
She was picking at the pizza, totally focused on her slice and I was totally focused on her. It felt as though she was going to disappear at any moment, like this was all some cruel trick and I would wake up alone, all alone without her.
“I don’t know how I am ever going to make this up to you,” she said still not making eye contact with me and I just kept quiet so she could continue. “I know that I’ve really hurt you and I…I never, that was not what I wanted to do, I didn’t want you to- god I can’t even get my words out,” she said sighing and then tossed the pizza back onto the plate.
“You’ve been through a lot Will,” I said and she finally looked up to me, her eyes still read and puffy from all the crying that she had done earlier.
“That’s no excuse for what I did. I want to try and make you understand why I did what I did but every time I go over it in my head the more pathetic it seems.”
“Tell me,” I said reaching over and squeezing her leg.
“Everything was just so messed up Nick and I was so down, you know how independent I am and to have to have people help me do the simplest of tasks was just so difficult. I…everything was just too much. I know that I had a great support system around me but half the time I just felt like I was a burden on everyone, especially you.”
I cut her off then. “Don’t you ever think you were a burden to me, I was there with you because I wanted to be with you not because I felt I had to be there.”
“I’ve really messed up Nick,” she said wiping the tears that had started to fall. “Everyone hates me, and I’m scared that I’ve lost you too.”
“You’ll never loose me, I don’t know what you would have to do to loose me. Nobody hates you either, it’s exactly the opposite everyone was concerned about you. Willow I love you and nothing is ever, ever going to stop that. You make me so happy, I can talk to you about anything, I can be a total goof around you, I can cry around you I can laugh with you, I can be 100% myself around you and I love that. I love that you love me despite all my bad habits and insecurities and I love that you can be exactly the same around me. I love you do you understand that?” I asked grabbing for her hand and she shook her head yes. “You mean the world to me, I would give up everything for you, I would lie down in front of a train for you,“ I said making her laugh a little, “Just don’t ever shut me out again,” I said stroking her cheek.
“You sure you still want me?” she tried to joke but I could tell she meant what she said.
“Always,” I whispered bringing her lips to mine so I could kiss her.
………………………………...............................................................................................
We spent the rest of the afternoon and evening talking, kissing and making love. Reconnecting with one another and it was heaven. Well heaven until my back started its angry protest halfway through the last time we had been having sex, but the warm water and vapours from the bubble bath were starting to soothe it.
I rested my head back against the edge of the tube and sighed contently. That was until I felt his foot prod at me and it was like we had never been apart. Like I had just woken up from a nightmare.
“Get your feet off me Carter,” I said not opening my eyes. I should have known that was going to be a mistake when I heard the water slosh and then felt something on my face. My eyes snapped open and I came face to well foot, I pushed it away quickly. “Your so fucking gross,” I yelled over his childish giggle.
“What? It’s funny,” he said laughing from the other end of the tub, his hair sticking every which way and his cheeks flushed from the heat of the bath.
“Feet are not funny, they are disgusting especially yours,” I said and he retaliated by splashing me with water. “I’m trying to have a peaceful bath,” I whined.
“Peaceful? Did you really think it was going to be peaceful with me in it as well?” he said picking up a handful of bubbles and smashing them against his face. “What do you think? Should I grow a big bushy beard? You can call me Captin Bubble beard.” I cracked up laughing at that and then picked some of my own up and placed them on his chest.
“You may need to grow some here first,” I joked and he splashed me again.
“That was just mean, damn baby how hot do you have your bath?” he said blowing hard out of his mouth to try and cool at least his face down. He forgot that he still had his “beard” and the suds went flying most of them ending up in his eyes. “I’m blind, I’m blind,” he moaned as he started flinging water up at his face to rinse it all out.
“Mellow dramatic.”
“Seriously baby this water is like scalding me, you really need it this hot?”
“I like it this temperature, helps my aching muscles. Now just relax and listen to the music,” I said resting my head back again as I closed my eyes.
He didn’t even last thirty seconds.
“I can’t believe you did that,” I said looking over to him. He looked like he was about to burst trying to hold his giggles in.
“I thought you liked Jacuzzi’s baby.”
“Not when they are made by your ass, Nick it stinks,” I whined and he just laughed.
“You love it,” he said and I just rolled my eyes.
I heard the knock at the door and looked over to him with longing eyes. He got the message and started to get up out of the bath. He really had lost weight, he was far more toned and he had more definition in his shoulders and arms but he still had a little tummy, it was something he was never going to get rid of, a fact which he hated but it was something I loved about him.
“I guess I’ll get that then huh?” he said as he wrapped the bathrobe around himself and left the room. I stretched out in the bath and rubbed my neck with to ease some of the tension there, then I pulled the plug and felt the water move around me.
I wrapped the towel around myself and walked into through the bedroom where I could hear him talking to Howie.
“That’s fine we’ll just tell them that your sick,” I heard him say before I walked through.
“Your not going to pull a sickie just because I’ve shown up, your working tomorrow,” I said as I wrapped my arms around his waist from behind and he sighed. “Howie he’ll meet you bright and early tomorrow morning,” I said smiling to him.
“6am then Nick,” Howie said before he turned and left the room.
I followed Nick into the bedroom and watched as he pulled a pair of boxers on after he took of his bathrobe.
“Too hot Babe?” I asked and he just nodded going back out to sit in the living room. After I dried myself I pulled on one of his t-shirts and hung the towel back up in the bathroom, and then I followed him into the living room. He was laid across one of the couches, staring at the TV that was not switched on. “You know its more interesting if you switch it on,” I said sitting on the coffee table across from him and he threw me a small smile. “Are you mad cause I’m making you work tomorrow?
“No. I just thought it would be nice to spend the day together.”
“I’m not going anywhere Nick, I promise,” I said taking his hand in mine giving it a squeeze. He looked away then and I knew he was trying to hide the tears that were in his eyes and I had to keep my own back. I moved to perch on the edge of the couch and kissed his hand, “You haven’t told me how you felt or feel, all afternoon its been about me, talk to me,” I asked.
“I’m fine,” he lied looking to me.
“Fine?” I queried, “So you’ve not been angry at me? Frustrated? Unhappy? I can’t be believe that you don’t resent me for what I did,” I said and he pulled his hand away from me so he could sit up.
“You want me to be mad at you?” He questioned.
“I want you to tell me how you feel Nick, you never share your emotions and you can be so hard to read at times.”
“Why do you think I’m like this Will?” He said scooting back so he could put his legs on the floor.
“I know about your past Nick, I know why you do it but I would have thought you could open up to me.”
“You mean like you have the past four months?” I stayed quiet then letting his hurtful words sink in. He sighed, resting his head in his hands. “Sorry I didn’t mean that,” he apologised.
“Yes you did and your right I should have talked to you more and I should have let you in. We both suck at communicating baby.”
“I know. I just, can we talk about this later? I have to be up early and I think that it would be a long talk,” he said wrapping his arm around me and I fell into him finally resting my head in his lap so I could look up to him.
“You just want more sex,” I said and he laughed at me, “Don’t you deny it.”
“I think this has to be the longest that I have gone without sex,” he said running his hands through my hair.
“What round will this be then Mr Carter?” I asked and I moved so I could straddle him, feeling his excitement through the fabric of his boxers.
“I lost count after five,” he said as he began to kiss my neck.
Chapter Twenty Four
“The Backstreet Boys everybody,” The DJ announced, “Well at least two of them,” he corrected.
“Wassup was sup,” I said into the microphone.
“So guys how you doing?”
“Good,” Howie answered.
“Like Tony the Tiger I feel GREEEEAAAT,” I giggled making Howie look at me like I was insane.
“I think he’s on a little caffeine high today so I apologise,” he said patting me on the back. It wasn’t a caffeine buzz at all, I only had enough time for half a cup, it was because I had spent all afternoon with her yesterday and I knew that she wasn’t even ten feet away from me in the green room, if I turned I would be able to see her, that was enough to make me feel amazing.
“So the albums done?” he asked.
“Not quite, there’s just a few more tracks that need a bit of work,” Howie answered.
“Have fun with this one? Is it any different from other backstreet albums or are we going to know its you?”
“We have experimented a bit more this time round but there are definitely some backstreet classics on there,” I answered.
“Okay stay tuned to hear more from Nick and Howie they’ll be right back after this track picked out by Nick.”
He turned and blew me a kiss and I smiled at him as the opening chords to Bon Jovi’s Always played. He could be such a sap at times but I would be lying if I said I didn’t like it, what girl wouldn’t love it when her boyfriend paid enough attention to know what her favourite song was and make it their song?
I blew him another kiss before he turned back around and then reached into my purse when my cell started to go off.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“Yeah I know and I’m sorry to mess you around but I’ll let you know by the end of the day, Thanks bye,” I said hanging up the phone and sighing not realising that I had been overheard.
“You okay?” Howie asked sitting next to me as we waited for Nick to finish up with a few radio I.D’s.
“Great,” I said smiling at him and I was. The only problem was something I had agreed to before I had come to find out whether Nick and me were still good.
“You didn’t sound to happy on the phone,” he prodded.
“Have you guys set an itinerary yet?” I asked trying to work some stuff out in my head.
“Europe and Japan at the beginning of October for promo tour and then back here doing the rounds for the rest of the month, possibly second single in November and then tour in the new year. Why do you ask?”
“Simon Cowle has asked me to be a judge on X-Factor. It means spending the rest of the summer over there and I’d be there till mid December at least, he needs a decision by the end of today.”
“Wow head hunted by Simon Cowle himself huh? Take it he offered before you came to sweep Nick of his feet?” He said and I smiled at the crazy imagery in my head.
“Yeah. This is an amazing opportunity for me it’s something I would really love to do but we’ve just got back together and we still have a lot to work through it was going to be hard enough doing that with all that was happening with him but throwing being a few thousand miles apart,” I sighed rubbing my temples.
“Have you mentioned it to him?”
“No I totally forgot myself what with everything that’s happened in the past few days. He’s not going to like it.”
“Talk to him, if this is something you really want to do then go for it, he’ll understand Willow maybe not straight away but he will eventually. I would have thought that you would know life’s too short, you shouldn’t have any regrets.”
“Yeah I hear you.”
………………………………..........................................................................................
“Your quiet today, you okay?” He asked when we got back to the hotel.
“I need to talk to you about something,” I said sitting down on the couch and patting the space beside me. He looked at me cautiously but then sat down. “I’ve been…I want you to be honest with me and if you don’t want me to do this then I won’t.”
“Do what?” He asked.
“About a month ago I got a phone call from Simon Cowle saying that they were adding a new dimension to the show and they wanted the winner to be able to write credible songs, he said that he wanted me to be the one to tutor them, he also said that he wanted me to sit on the panel of judges.”
“Wow,” he said, “Do it I think it would be good for you. He must really want you I mean to try and recruit you this early American Idol doesn’t even start till next summer.” The smile that had crossed my face when he had offered his support faded when he had misunderstood me. “What?” he asked sensing my change in mood.
“It’s not American Idol, it’s X-factor in the UK and it runs through the winter, I’d have to be on a flight next Tuesday,” I said watching his face fall a bit.
“But its only August, why do you have to leave so early?”
“All the auditions, they want me there for that as well. The auditions would run for three weeks up and down the UK then we would have a week off where I could fly back here to be with you. Boot camp is the following week for two days and then the rest of the week I would be helping the three judges decide who to have in their area of the competition.”
“They’d need you there all the time?” He asked.
“Yeah I’d be running writing work shops during the week with the nine that made it through and I would be on the panel at the live show on Saturday. If you don’t want me to do it then I won’t but he needs a decision by eight tonight.”
“I don’t really think that this is my decision to make.”
“I want to know what you think about it.”
“I think that its an amazing opportunity for you,” he said avoiding my real question.
“I want to know how you would feel about it.”
“It’s not the best timing and I can’t say I would be pleased about it.”
“Then I won’t go, I won’t do it,” She said.
“If this is something you want to do I’m not going to stop you,” I said making her think about her hasty decision.
“No your right the timing is way off, we need to focus on us for a bit and we can’t do that if we’re separate, I call him and tell him thanks but no, maybe next year.”
“If that’s what you want,” I said and she shook her head yes but I could tell that she was lying.
“I’m going to take a bath, now you can join me IF you promise to behave yourself,” she said pointing a finger at me.
“I only annoy you because I get bored just sitting in the tub.”
“Well then maybe this will keep you occupied,” she said pulling a toy boat out of her bag and I cracked up laughing.
“When did you get that?”
“This morning when I was getting coffee while I was waiting for you. Can you be good and play nicely with your boat and leave me in peace?” She asked raising her eyebrows questioningly at me.
“I’ll try. I’ll be in a few minutes I just need to make a few phone calls,” I said as I watched her walk into the bathroom so she could run a bath, when I heard the door shut and the water running I dug through her bag for her phone.
The water was so soothing against my aching back and I sighed in satisfaction taking in the sweet aroma of the citrus bubble bath. Then I sighed again for an entirely different matter. I knew that being away from him for a another four months would not do our relationship any good but I also knew giving something like this up would not be a good move career wise, this would make me more well known for being a writer instead of Nick Carter’s Girlfriend, I also knew that once your turn Simon down there were no second chances, he wouldn’t ask again.
I heard the door creak open and heard his voice but he wasn’t talking to me.
“Yeah she’s right here,” he said handing the phone to me without telling me who was on the other end. I took it after wiping my hands dry on the towel.“ Willow great news that your decided yes, I had my doubts that you were going to join us when I called this morning,” Simon said and I just looked at Nick in confusion.
“Simon no you’ve got it wrong, I can’t do it I’m sorry I just have to much going on in my personal life right now,” I said.
“Nick said you would make that excuse and told me not to listen to you. Your booked on the 1030 BA flight from Orlando on Tuesday, they’ll be a car waiting for you at Heathrow and I’ll meet you on Wednesday at the hotel, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he said sternly.
“I…I…I guess I’ll see you next week then,” I said glancing over to see Nick Smirking at me.
“You want this Baby, I can tell you do,” he said after a few minutes of silence. “it’s a few months and I can fly out and see you, I’ve practically got most of November and December off anyway.”
“Your okay with that?” I asked.
“This is a great opportunity for you, you would be insane to turn it down. It’s a few months, we’ve already done four months apart I’m sure we can handle this.”
“Yeah but we’ve still got a lot to sort out.”
“It’s still going to be there when you get back. Don’t make me drag you onto that plane Abrams,” he said in a stern voice but I could tell he was joking.
“That was scary you were starting to sound like Kevin.”
“Er is Sweden in Norway?” he asked quickly and I laughed so hard that I could feel tears in my eyes.
“Your such a goon,” I said and he smiled at me.
“Can’t have people think that I’m smart or something.”
“You are smart, your just a tad blonder that’s all,” I said and he stuck his irresistible tongue out at me.
Chapter Twenty five
I could hear the music blasting from down the hall and knew that when I rolled over her side of the bed would be empty. I looked at the clock and groaned when I realised that it was only seven thirty there was no way I was getting up yet.
When I realised that getting back to sleep would be futile I pulled myself out of bed and stretched trying to rid the sleep from my body but it didn’t work that well and I was still rubbing my eyes when I walked into the kitchen to poor myself a cup of coffee. She wasn’t anywhere to be seen but I could hear her singing along to the music and walked towards the utility room. I lent against the door frame and watched as she swayed her hips to the music, lost in her own world not even realising I was there. To look at her you would never had guessed that seven months ago she was close to death, physically she didn’t have many scars but there were a lot emotionally.
I had had to pull over twice yesterday as we drove home from the airport, I knew I was a pretty reckless driver, I hardly ever indicated and speeding was a bit of a problem for me but it had never effected her before. I should have realised that she would have been on edge but I hadn’t expected a full on panic attack, the usually forty minute journey had taken well over two hours and she had ended up taking over driving.
She turned to grab the washing powder from the shelf behind her and saw me and big grin spreading across her face as she continued to sing.
“Your skin, oh yeah, your skin and bones, turn into something beautiful, you know, you know I love you so, You know I love you so,” she said singing to me as she finished loading the washer and switched it on. “Morning sunshine,” she said wrapping her arms around my neck as she kept swaying in time to the music and I had to try and resist moving so I wouldn’t spill my coffee.
“The sun is barely up,” I said through a yawn.
“We have three days till I have to leave again and I have a shit load of stuff do to,” she said going to the dryer and putting in wet clothes that she had already washed.
“Laundry won’t take three days,” I said leaning back against the washer.
“True but I have stuff to move back in here and I should really say goodbye to a few people.”
“I refuse to help you pack again, do you know how long it took me to pack all your shit up before?”
“But Nicky, if you don’t help me it’s just going to take longer, then there will be no time left for other things,” she said raising her eyebrows at me.
“You’re a pain in the ass do you know that?” I said yawning again and she just rolled her eyes at me.
“Yes I know I know. Now showered and dressed in half an hour MR, we should be able to get everything done today,” she said moving me out of the room and towards the shower.
Forty minutes later I was fully awake, washed, dressed and was halfway through eating some toast and it was eight fifteen. I didn’t even know eight had an am. I heard the doorbell ring followed by Willow shouting at me to answer it because she was busy.
“Alright I’m coming,” I yelled at the person the other side of the door impatiently pushed it again.
“Damn Carter I didn’t expect you to be up this early, holy Jesus your actually dressed as well,” she said as I lent down to make a fuss of Layla.
“Ha ha,” I said to her joke as I was licked to death by my dog, “ Hey girl, she been treating you well?” I asked her and was just licked in the face again.
“Of course I have, we’ve had fun haven’t we?”
“Thanks Autumn I really appreciate it. Yes she’s here,” I said noticing how she was craning her neck around the apartment.
“So things are good? She’s moving back in?” She asked excitedly.
“Yeah, we’re going back to her Mom’s to collect her stuff tod-” I was cut off by Willow.
“Who’s at the door baby?” She asked coming round the corner, stopping short when she spotted Autumn.
“Hey stranger,” Autumn said smiling at her.
“Hi,” she said and then quickly moved to hug her best friend. “I’ve missed you,” she whispered.
“It was for your own good but I’ve missed you too,” Autumn said squeezing her tightly.
“I want you at your Mom’s in an hour, Autumn you can help too,” I said as I grabbed my car keys and kissed her on the head as I left.
“Love you baby,” she called after me.
………………………………...............................................................................................
I sighed as I hung up the towel to dry. Three days had flown by to quickly and I really didn’t want to leave tomorrow but I knew that I had to, I needed to do this for myself and make the end of this year a positive one so I could focus on that rather than the negative start I had.
I shut off the light and walked through the door into the bedroom. I stopped in the doorway for a few minutes just looking at him asleep on the bed. He was sat up slightly, leaning back against the pillows, the remote was in his hand and the TV was playing to no one. His mouth was open and he was snoring slightly and I smiled finally realising how good I had it, how lucky I was to be loved by this man. It didn’t matter that I had shut him out, been totally selfish and hurt him more then he would ever let on, he still wanted me and he still loved me.
Sitting down on the edge of the bed I made sure to jot a few things down on a pad so I wouldn’t forget them in the morning, I’d lost count of how many new toothbrushes and hairbrushes I’d had to buy over the years. I heard the soft thud and looked over realising that the remote control had fallen from his grasp as he had fallen into a deeper state of sleep, he moved slightly and started to snore more deeply.
I pulled back the covers and got underneath them, resting my head on his chest and wrapping one of my arms around his waist as I watched the movie he had put on before he had fallen asleep. I had missed this so much, I could live without sex if I really had to but the closeness of being next to him was something that I always craved and I knew the next few months were not going to be easy. Even though we had only been back together for a little under a week I was so used to being wrapped in his arms when I slept, sleep always came easily when I was with him because I felt safe and protected.
I snuggled more into his chest and the movement made him wrap his arms around me as he began to stir from sleep. I placed a kiss on his chest and took one of my hands in his.
“Night baby,” I whispered as I closed my eyes.
“Night,” he whispered back pressing a kiss to my head.
Twenty six
She looked out the window once I parked the car and I could tell she was second guessing her decision about going, that if I gave her the out she would take it straightaway but I wasn’t about to do that.
“We’re going to be fine,” I said rubbing my hand up and down her leg a few times and she turned to me throwing me a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“You don’t think I’m deserting you again?” She asked taking my hand.
“No baby I don’t. This is a great opportunity for you so go and enjoy it and I’ll see you in a few weeks ok?” I said.
“I love you, you know that don’t you?” She said.
“Of course I know that and I love you too,” I said wrapping my arm around her shoulder before I pulled her closer to me and kissed her head.
“I’m going to miss this,” she said wrapping her arms around me as best she could while we were still sat in the car. She leant her head up then and captured my lips with hers in a kiss. I was about to pull away but she deepened the kiss and moved her hands lower so she could stroke between my legs and I could feel myself start to harden. I moaned into her mouth when her movements became harder and she pulled away from me, her face flushed. “You know it’s kinda sexy to think that people might be able to see and hear us,” she smiled seductively and I smiled at her as I unclipped my seatbelt so I could follow her into the back seat.
She pulled me closer and I fit snugly in between her legs that were propped up against the back of the front seats and we just made out for a few minutes. I felt her hands move lower again and pulled away so she could lower her jeans as I did the same. We didn’t have the time or the room to remove everything and I quickly pushed myself inside of her making her call out.
It was fast and hard and if people were walking past they had to know what we were doing but neither of us seemed to care as we both came with a cry. I lent my head on her chest as we both tried to catch our breath then after a few minutes I moved so I could pull my jeans back up and move into the front seat again.
“Aren’t you glad I went for tinted windows?” I asked as she pulled herself into the front seat. She smiled widely at me as she pulled down the visor so she could look at her reflection in the mirror.
“Definitely babe, good choice,” she said as she ran her hands through her hair and rubbed a spot on her cheek that was red from where my stubble had caught her. I looked at the clock on the dashboard and she followed my gaze her smile fading. “Guess I have to go huh?” She said.
“Yeah,” I said opening the door as she did the same. We were both quiet as I unloaded her cases and we walked towards the entrance of the airport. Being old pros we both walked through the airport on autopilot and all to soon we were going to have to say goodbye so she could clear security in time to catch the flight.
She placed her carry on stuff on the chair beside us and then wrapped her arms around my neck, giving me a kiss.
“You’ve got everything?” I asked and she nodded her head yes. “Toothbrush? Hairbrush?” I questioned again knowing that they were always the things that she forgot, I tended to forgot the charger to my phone, or the battery pack for the laptop.
“Everything is packed. I’ll call you as soon as I land,” she said running her hands up through my hair.
“You better. I’ll see you in a few weeks,” I said leaning down to kiss her again. She pulled away sooner than I had wanted and picked up her bag.
“Love you,” she said as she began to walk away. I kissed my finger tips and blew them towards her, making her smile.
“Love you too,” I said as I watched her walk through the security check point and out of my sight.
Chapter Twenty seven
“Confidence is something that will happen Leon, you can build on that please don’t go out there tomorrow down hearted because today blew, use today to push yourself harder,” She said as she sat on the edge of the stage with whom I assumed was one of the contestants. She was so engrossed in talking to him that she hadn’t noticed me yet.
“I just think Simon’s right, I don’t have what it takes,” he said his head bowed.
“With that attitude you don’t, don’t make me and Sharon regret our decision to fight for you, prove him wrong.”
“That’s easy for you to say, you make it look so easy,” he said looking up to her.
“Trust me every time I think about tomorrow I want to vomit, being in the spotlight and having to talk or perform scares the crap out of me but it makes me perform better, nerves are good if you can learn how to use them.”
“She’s not joking she’s come close to puking I don’t know how many times before she’s gone on stage, and she doesn’t even sing lead vocals at many of her gigs,” I said and her head whipped round when she heard my voice a big smile spreading across her face.
“At least I don’t blame things on other people when I mess up,” she joked and Leon laughed at her. “You are going to be great, now go and use these last few hours to go and reherse,” she said nudging him as she got up to come over to me.
“Hey gorgeous,” I said picking her up in a hug before I kissed her.
“Your late,” she said as she pulled away from me.
“I was cornered by Sharon who insists that we have dinner while I’m here,” I said as I followed her through the maze that was backstage to her dressing room. Her notebooks were everywhere, she had accumulated two more guitars while she had been away, and there was books and magazines piled up on the side. She walked in quickly gathering things up and placing them in various piles. She was trying to hide how messy it was.
“You say I’m a slob,” I said sitting down on the couch as she stuck her tongue out at me.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” she said sitting down next to me and I wrapped my arms around her.
“I’ve missed you too,” I said kissing the top of her head. “Stressing out about tomorrow baby?” I asked and she nodded. “Your going to look great and your going to be great,” I said but she just sighed.
“It’s not me I’m worried about. They are all so nervous and I’m the one who had the final decision of the songs they are singing, what if I’ve fucked up and given them the wrong song?” She said.
“Chill out sweetie, they’ve had enough time to practice, to work out the kinks, it’s going to be fine. I see you’ve got some more guitars to add to the huge collection in the garage at home.”
“No actually, they are loaners so I can teach them a few basics when we have song writing sessions,” she said matter of faculty.
“How’s that going?” I asked stroking her hand.
“Not brilliant, some people just aren’t really born to write songs. There’s a few potentials but I’ve spoken to Simon about it and I don’t think he really thought it through, he wanted people to be singing their own songs half way through the competition but I just don’t see it happening. We’ve compromised, the final two shows will show case writing ability, that at least gives me some time to nurture the ones who can write, I just hope they are the ones that make it through.”
“So all the writing in those books is stuff you’ve just been working on?” He asked as he moved to try and whip one out of the pile but I was to quick and managed to stop him. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed about them or that they were private they were just unfinished, and I wasn’t quite ready to share them yet.
“Not ready to share?” he said moving back as if he could read my mind.
“You’ll hear them you know that,” I said getting up throwing my lip balm and bottle of water into my purse. I put on my jumper, and then wrapped the scarf around my neck, I hated the cold and England just sucked in October. He sat and laughed at me when I put on a coat and a pair of gloves.
“It’s not that cold Will.”
“I’m from Florida everywhere else is always cold.”
“I’m from Florida too and you don’t see me buttoning up for a blizzard,” he said standing up so he could put on a paper thin jacket.
“No you were born in New York in January you have an internal heating system,” I said retaliating and he laughed at me as he grabbed the hand that I held out to him.
“I seriously worry about your mind sometimes,” he said as we walked through the corridors towards the exit.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“Deep breathes sweetheart, your going to be fine. I’ll be right behind you the whole time,” he said rubbing my shoulders in a circler motion to try and calm me down.
It wasn’t working.
In a few minutes I would be live on television, I would have to talk and maybe even crtizie someone’s performance, to millions of people watching at home. I should have thought this all through before I signed on, I wasn’t ready for this, I would never be ready for this, being in the spotlight wasn’t for me. Playing guitar or keyboards in a band was where I belonged, writing songs for other people was where I belonged, not centre stage, forcing my opinions on people.
“Willow you’ve got the glazed look snap out of it,” he said walking around to face me.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I said in all honesty looking for the nearest bin to stick my head in.
“No your not your going to be fine, you’ve played bigger crowds then this.”
“Yeah as the backup band, I’ve never spoken on camera.”
“Live 8.”
“Totally different.”
“How?”
“I was possessed.” A huge grin overtook him then and he began to laugh. After that a producer told him it was time to leave, that we would be going live in five minutes and I gripped onto his hand for dear life, I was not going to let go. He looked at me raising his eyebrows and then he looked down to our joined hands.
“Sharon, hold this will you,” he said pulling my hand out of his and placing it in hers. She squeezed back and smiled at me as he kissed my cheek and wished me good luck.
“Your going to be fine,” Sharon whispered as Dermot introduced us and the door parted so that I could see the audience for the first time.
I opened the door and was stunned at who I saw the other side.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Nice to see you too,” Aaron said dropping his shoulder bag so it landed on top of his case. I pulled him into a hug then, he looked like he needed it. “Can I come in?” he asked and that’s when I realised that we were still in the hall of the hotel. I stepped aside to let him through, realising how much he reminded me of Nick at that age.
I followed him through the suite into the living area where he was quick to flop down on the couch and pull his hat down over his face, he was exactly like Nick. The hat was used as a barrier to cover their true feelings, or to try and hide them from everyone else, I didn’t have the heart to tell either of them that it didn’t work very well. I knew from past experience that I was going to have to broach the subject of why he had flown thousands of miles to see me when we hadn’t really spoken in months, I didn’t even realise that he knew Nick and I were back together.
“AC?” I asked making sure he was still awake, that hat trick was sometimes used for that as well.
“Sorry to barge in on you, I just needed to get away for a bit. Nick said that he was coming back from Spain tomorrow and that I should met him here, he said he’d call you.”
He had called but before he could talk to me properly we had ended up having phone sex and then he had to go and had obviously forgotten to tell me about the impending visit of his brother.
“He didn’t but you know your always welcome, want to talk about why you had to get away?” I asked sitting in the arm chair across from him bringing my knees up so I could hug them.
“Mom,” he said throwing his hat so that it rested on the coffee table between us. That one word was all I needed to hear, I didn’t need any explanation of what she had done and I knew whatever I said wouldn’t make a slight bit of difference. She had seriously burnt some major bridges with these boys. Whenever I said Mom it was filled with happiness and love and would often bring a smile to my face, when they sad it their whole demeanour would change, you could literally see their backs going up and hear the venom in their voices and I felt bad not only for them but for her as well. What must her life be like knowing that her sons didn’t respect her, hated talking about her?
“You needed to see your big brother and instead your stuck with me.”
“You’ll do till he gets here,” he said making me chuckle.
“That’s good to know, so what do you want to do till he gets here?” I asked and that’s when I followed his eyes to the guitar propped up in the corner.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“No I like that, its good,” Aaron said as I sang back what we had been working on for the past hour.
“Yeah? You think he’ll like it? It’s not too corny?” I asked.
“Nah he’ll love it, he’s said that you guys still haven’t really gotten into the depths of stuff yet but I think what your doing is good it definitely describes how you were feeling and stuff and he’ll understand.”
“How was he you know…when…did he talk to you?” I asked propping the guitar against the couch while I sat on the coffee table.
“Heartbroken, depressed, very scary,” he said.
“Scary as in how?”
“Just really quiet and then he would explode. I only saw him a few times because they were so busy recording but I was worried about him, it was like someone had flicked a switch in him and he really didn’t give a crap about anything, he hated going to work but he hated being at home, Will don’t cry,” he said coming over to me so he could wrap me in a hug.
“Sorry. Everyone must think I’m heartless to do that to him, Angel hates me doesn’t she? She’s always been protective of Nick,” I said sniffing back tears.
“You may get a bit of a talking to but she’s always loved you.”
“God you come here because your hurting and I make it all about me,” I said wiping my eyes and he just shrugged as he picked up the guitar and began strumming, he had really improved from when I had first begun teaching him and his voice had improved dramatically. “Glad to see you’ve stopped smoking,” I said and he looked puzzled. “Your voice sounds so much better and Nick’s improved when he gave up.”
“Do you think you and Nick will be together forever?” He asked me suddenly, totally catching me off guard.
“That’s a difficult question to answer, if you had asked me last year then I probably would have said yes but nothing is ever a sure thing. I would like to think that we will grow old together but after the year we’ve had, its just taught me a lot.”
“I…I think when you left that he felt like he had failed, that he was going to end up like Mom and Dad. He kept saying that he didn’t want to be on his own, that he was nothing without you. Your not going to leave him again are you?”
“I’m not planning to. I don’t think I could find someone who understands me as much as he does and I love him Aaron I really do, that’s why I left because I loved him so much and I know it sounds like some crap you see in a billion chick flicks but it’s the truth.”
“I just don’t want to end up on my own, I want to find someone and be happy with them,” he said lightly strumming the guitar.
“Aaron your not even twenty yet. I have also learnt that life is for living and that you only have one shot at it, you don’t have to grow up so fast,” I said throwing a discarded ball of paper at him.
“Yeah but life’s also really short Will, I thought you would understand that.”
He was right, so, so right. I had to relent then but I didn’t know what to say to him, something else was clearly on his mind but he wasn’t up for sharing at least with me.
……………………………….........................................................................................
It was three fifteen in the morning and I tried to be quiet as I climbed into the bed beside her but as I moved to put my phone onto the nightstand I knocked the lamp off sending it crashing to the floor.
“Nickkkkkkkk,” she whined moving her head to try and look at me through the darkness.
“Sorry,” I whispered as I tried to get comfortable under the covers. I wrapped myself around her body but she pushed me away.
“Don’t your cold.”
“So warm me up,” I leered and she turned over then so her body was facing mine, I could only just make out that her eyes were open in the darkness but I could tell that her expression wouldn’t have been a happy one.
“There’s an extra blanket in the closet,” she said through a yawn.
“Baby that’s not what I meant.”
“I know what you meant but it’s three am and I have to be up early.”
“Are mad at me for coming to bed so late?” I asked.
“No dickwad, I’m tired and I have to be up early. Your brother needed you. I’m pissed that you woke me up.”
“I didn’t mean to, I just can’t be quiet you should know that by now,” I said throwing one of my legs across hers.
“Yeah, is he ok?”
“No but he will be. You don’t mind if he hangs here for a while do you?” I asked as she ran her hand across my stomach.
“No its fine.”
Chapter Twenty nine
“Sucks to be Willow,” Aaron said as we watched from backstage. It was a tie between the other judges, she had the casting vote, she had to decide who to send home. Both acts had been poor tonight but overall there were worse acts in the competition that deserved to go home instead and I could tell that was what she was thinking as she looked from one to the other.
She had close ties with everyone that was in the show and I knew that she was always going to hate this part of the competition, she never liked to let anyone down, she didn’t like critiquing people, she wanted everyone to succeed, she wanted everyone to get the chance that she had been given. Unfortunately not everyone could win in this world, there always had to be a loser and right now she had to decide who that was going to be.
“Willow I need an answer from you,” Dermot prompted and she sighed running her hands through her perfectly done hair. It amazed me how much she transformed every Saturday night, the makeup was always perfect as was her hair and she had even worn dresses. She looked stunning but then again she could be wearing jeans and one of my t-shirts and still look great just lounging around at home, that was one of the things that I loved about her because I knew that if she could be wearing pyjamas out there then she would be.
She kept looking at the two acts with apologetic eyes and then she kept looking straight at the camera. She knew I was here watching, if I had been behind her I had no doubt that she would have turned to ask my opinion but I would have been no use either it was a really difficult decision to make.
The one time he decided to sit in the green room was the one time I needed him the most. This decision was so difficult I was about to shatter someone’s world, scupper their chances at winning this competition. I had worked with both acts and they were equally as talented vocally, they were both very confident, had amazing stage presence. I did agree with the public though, both performances had not been up to par tonight and that’s why they were in front of me with pleading eyes.
“Willow if you don’t make a decision in the next minute we will see who got the lowest phone votes,” Dermot said again and I sighed closing my eyes so I didn’t have to look at them.
“Okay. The reason I’m sending home the act tonight is because I think the other person will have more credibility as a writer and I’ve seen them improve a lot since we first met and I think that given the chance they are going to get a lot better. So The act I am sending home tonight is……I’m really sorry but I’m going to have to send you home Future Proof,” I said looking to them and I hated it when their faces fell. “I’m really sorry.”
The boos I received died down after a few seconds but I knew that I wasn’t going to be liked for a while.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You sent home the boy band?” Aaron said shaking me when I reached my dressing room. “You do realise your saying boy bands suck so in essence your say Nick sucks,” he joked.
“We’re not a boy band,” I heard Nick yell from the bathroom.
“No your geriatrics,” Aaron called back and I could tell this was going to turn into a wrestling match as soon as Nick was done. I sat down on the couch and removed the heels from my feet, rubbing the soles to relieve some of the pressure that had built up whilst I had been standing backstage talking to Future Proof. I couldn’t count the number of times I had apologised but I knew I would kick myself if I had let Leon go.
As I predicted Aaron was in a headlock within seconds of Nicks departure from the bathroom.
“Say Uncle,” Nick was yelling as he tussled Aaron’s hair.
“But your not my Uncle you’re a geriatric from the Gerrystreet,” he said and I cracked up laughing. It was good to see them like this, just acting like brothers they were both just so relaxed and I wished that they had been like this whilst filming House of Carters. Maybe it was because Aaron had grown up a bit, or maybe Nick had realised that he couldn’t always protect his brother and that he needed to make mistakes so he could learn from them. Nick and I had both made a lot of mistakes over the past few years.
“Say it.”
“Nick I can’t breath.”
“Say it.”
“Nick.”
“SAY. IT,” Nick yelled.
“IT!!!!!” Aaron yelled back and Nick laughed letting go of his brother.
“Man Nick I think you cracked my neck or something,” Aaron said rubbing it slightly.
“Hey it’s the wicked witch, death to all boy bands,” Nick mocked as he sat down next to me and I hit him in the shoulder, I already felt bad enough I didn’t need him to make me feel guilty as well. “I was just joking.”
“I made the right decision didn’t I?”
“I would have said no to them too, they were really off tonight and from what you say none of them can really write.”
“Neither could you when you first started, I just I think Leon has more credibility and he’s come such a long way since this first started.”
“Stop second guessing yourself, its done now and you cant change it now come on we are going out,” he said pulling me up from the couch.
“Where?” I asked.
“Funky Buddha and Aaron is paying,” Nick said.
“What?!” Aaron yelled from the floor where he was still laying.
………………………………..........................................................................................
I could feel my head pounding, my mouth was dry this was going to be one fucking hell of a hangover. I groaned when I moved because I swear that my brain hit the wall of my skull then rebounded off it. I tried to get comfortable again so that I could sleep this off but the pounding in my head just wouldn’t go away and I knew I needed to pop some pain meds. I opened my eyes and expected Willow to either be asleep or to look like me, a wreck. But the bed was empty, her side a mess of sheets she had way more to drink then me last night there was no way she could be up and functioning.
I pulled myself up and sat on the edge of the bed for a few minutes so that the room would stop spinning and when I finally was able to I stood up and headed for the bathroom. I brushed my teeth to get rid of the furry feeling and then hunted for some pain killers but when I came up short I realised she must have taken them in to the living area. That meant that I would have to go out there now, which also meant putting on at least a pair of shorts.
“I'm holding on your rope
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say
But I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down
But wait...
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around and say..
That it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late.”
I must have made a sound because he stopped singing and then a few seconds later Willow stopped playing the guitar.
“Don’t stop on my account,” I yawned as I walked further into the room rubbing my eyes before I slumped down onto the sofa.
“Bad head baby?” She asked smiling at me. How in the hell could she coordinate herself? I had trouble putting one foot in front of the other this morning but she looked like she had showered and everything. She was slumming it in one of my t-shirts and a pair of boxers, her hair was still wet but she didn’t look like she was going to hurl at any moment which is exactly what I felt like.
“I told you to drink some water and take a pain killer before you went to bed last night but you didn’t listen.”
“Mainly because when you did it you spilled half the glass of water over the bed,” I said moving my head to quickly to look at her causing pain to rip through it. “Baby doll you know how much I love you?” I asked.
“What do you want?” She said.
“A glass of water and an aspirin? The ability to say no to shots,” I groaned closing my eyes trying to block some of the light out.
“The first two I can do, the second one you have to work on your self,” She said getting up from the coffee table where she liked to perch herself when she wrote or played the guitar. If there wasn’t a coffee table when she was writing she was screwed.
When I came back from the small kitchen area Nick was still laying face down on the couch but Aaron was nowhere to be seen and I managed to hold in a small sigh. I loved Nick I really did but he had the worst possible timing, just as Aaron was opening up to me slightly Nick had abruptly put an end to it.
“Here,” I said nudging him slightly and he moved cautiously so not to make the pain in his head worse. He guzzled the whole glass after taking the aspirin and then closed his eyes as he went back against the cushions waiting for relief to come. “Where’s Airboy?” I asked.
“Shower.”
“He’s really pissed at your Mom.”
“Yeah.”
“Has she tried calling you about it?”
“No.”
“Have you called her to see what’s going on?”
“No.”
“Can you form more than one word in a sentence Nick?” I said starting to get a bit frustrated.
“Let him deal with it Willow you don’t want to get involved.”
“I might not want to get involved but its obviously bugging him enough to come over here to see you about it. He knows that you and your Mom don’t have the best relationship so why is he here? What’s going on?” I asked.
“Ask him.”
I threw a pillow at him then, frustrated with his caginess but he threw it straight back.
“Nick.”
“Willow,” He countered.
“Why are you avoiding this? Talk to me.”
“It’s my Mom what is there to say? She’s been screwing with his head only this time she’s gone to far and he’s had enough of her, same story different son.”
“She’s never going to learn is she?” I said and he shook his head no, like it didn’t bother him and I suppose that over the years he had come to expect nothing less. I knew well enough to leave it at that, if I tried to get anymore information he would either clam up for the rest of the day or we’d end up fighting about it, neither of which I wanted. “I have something for you,” I said picking up my guitar and he looked over at me.
“What would that be?” I asked but she put her fingers to her lips before she bought her hand down to start strumming.
Looking for beauty in a certain
Finding the strength inside a gray
Maybe I'm heading for a breakdown
And maybe that's ok
Could be that I'm hanging on for dear life
Maybe you need to get a grip
Cause you're the only one
That makes me feel like this
Save me I'm falling again
Keep me from
Breaking in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There's nowhere (nowhere to go)
Nowhere to go but you (yeah, yeah)
By the second verse her eyes were just shut, like if she looked at me she would break. I knew that feeling all to well. I knew she had been working on something for me because every time she had been paying and I walked in she would immediately stop. Her notebooks were also off limits, usually she wouldn’t care if I looked, she’d joke that I was trying to steal her ideas when really I was looking to see what was going on in her head. Before the accident most of her notebooks were filled with happy things, Autumn had told me that she couldn’t write after she broke it off, like she had hit a wall or something. I guess that had all changed since then as she had three notebooks filled with ideas.
Tryin to make nothing
Out of Something
Promise myself I wouldn't care
Maybe you're making me a liar
Cause I'm sitting here
Finally cracking my resistance
And find a way to wear me down
I just look at you
And there's no way out
Save me I'm falling again (yeah)
Keep me from breaking in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do (oh no no)
There's nowhere (nowhere to go)
Nowhere to go but
It amazed me how she could write like she did, she had never been one to sit down at a table and just write, she never woke up and said today I’m going to write a song. It was all impromptu and spur of the moment. We’d be in bed at go knows what hour and she’s be writing something down on a scrap piece of paper, Autumn said when they were out clubbing she had sat in the ladies room and wrote some words down on toilet paper whilst banging the beat out with her hands against the side of the stall.
I think that’s why she was struggling to work with the contestants, song writing wasn’t something you could teach, you couldn’t just sit there with a pen and write for hours, it had to come within. You couldn’t just say I’ll write for an hour and then go and do something else, if something struck you, you had to go with it, regardless of what else you were doing, it became your life. That’s what had happened with Willow.
I had been fifteen when I met her and she was already well accomplished on both the keyboards and the guitar and she had already written two amazing songs that would get the artist number ones. But her confidence had been her Achilles heel, something that still had a slight hold on her even today.
Every single road I take (it's you)
Asleep or wide awake (it's you)
And it's too late for anyone to save me
I'm falling again
Keep me from breakin in a million pieces
In the end no matter what I do
There's no where, no where to go
Save me I'm falling again, falling again
Keep me from breakin in a million pieces
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
In the end no matter what I do (what I do)
There's no where, no where to go
Nowhere to go but you
She opened her eyes when she had finished but her face was neutral, she was trying to guess my take on it. I had loved it, she may have been crap at verbalising her feelings when we just talked but I was the same and I always knew that I would eventually find out how she was feeling.
“Thank you,” I said smiling to her and she threw me a lopsided grin as she put her guitar down and moved across so she could hug me. I pulled her closer into my body and kissed her soundly making her moan when I pulled away.
“Someone’s up,” she said cocking her eyebrow at me when she could feel my erection through my shorts.
“Race you to the bedroom,” I said jumping up and pushing her back into the couch.
Nowhere to Go - Backstreet Boys
Chapter Thirty
“What can I say guys? You guys took a fun song, a song that I love because it is pure cheese and you made it even cheesier which I didn’t think was possible, I loved it. It wasn’t the best vocal we’ve heard from you but it was extremely entertaining and I would rather go to an entertaining show where there were a few missed notes over a boring show any day,” I said making them smile even more and the audience cheer.
“Watching the play back from Saturday?” I asked as I walked into one of the rooms we were using for rehearsals.
“Yeah, I see what you mean about missing a few notes now, but you liked the show?” Sarah asked.
“Of course, I love stuff like that, I wish Nick would do more stuff like that, I’d be in heaven,” I said setting down my notebook on the table.
“I’ve been to their shows, they put on a good one,” she said sitting down next to me.
“A fan are you? Have you met Nick yet?” I asked.
“No, he sat in on Leon’s session with you. Is he coming back over? It must be difficult being away from him.”
“He’ll be back Friday so he’ll be here for the final show, I’ll introduce you then,” I said and her eyes lit up. “Now three songs this week, you think your up for it?” I said.
“We’re up for whatever you throw at us,” Sean said.
“Okay we already know one is going to be Any Dream Will Do with Jason, and you know that one so we don’t really need to concentrate on that today, you can do that in rehearsals with him on Wednesday. Then there’s the Christmas one, I was thinking an up-tempo, any ideas to what one?” I asked looking at them both.
“We’ve been talking and it’s either All I want for Christmas or Rocking around the Christmas Tree,” Sean answered.
“All I want for Christmas, its harder to sing but will showcase your voices better. Third thing on the agenda your song,” I said looking to them, song writing was not their strong suit and they both knew it, out of about three there was one that was barely passable. “To be honest guys I have to say this will be your weakest area, Louie will go straight for the throat on this one. You know I love you and song writing is something that improves over time, your just going to have to be perfect in the other two areas okay?” I said and they both nodded eagerly.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“If I could hold you close
Like you were never gone
If I could hear your voice
You'd tell me to be strong
But sometimes
I just can't
I just don't understand
Why you had to go
Why you had to go
I guess I'll never know.”
He sang with such passion in rehearsal and sometimes that just wasn’t conveyed in the live shows. I watched him sing as I strummed on the guitar looking to Sharon who was nodding her head in approval.
“Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
If I could get to you
I feel it in the air
My world don't make no sense
If I'm without you in it.”
Writing with him had been a breath of fresh air, he had all these ideas about what he wanted to right, it came from all the emotion in side of him, what he had been through in his life and it was bursting to get out. In essence he had also helped me get out more of my feelings and put them onto paper and I knew there were a few more songs that I had written about Nick and I. I just had to find a creative way of sharing them with him.
“And sometimes
I just find
Can't deny
Don't know why
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
And leave me here alone
And leave me here alone
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
You don't see it coming
Change
When the future comes knocking
It changed
It can make you or break you too
You'd just have to make it through
(You'd just have to make it through)
Ain't it funny how you think
You're gonna be OK
Till you remember things ain't never
Gonna be the same again
The same again
Ain't it crazy how you think
You've got your whole life planned
Just to find that it was never ever
In your hand
In your hand
Change
Change, change
Change, change.”
He finished the final note, and looked at Sharon and I. Sharon then turned to me a neutral expression on her face, she was so good at that, no one ever knew whether she liked a performance or hated it, I on the other hand was the total opposite, it was written all over my face.
“Willow, Willow,” She sighed. “You know what? I think fighting for him was a bloody good decision,” She said turning to him and smiling widely making him mirror her.
“You liked it?” He asked.
“I bloody loved it, you should be proud of yourself,” she said reaching over to give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Just do it like that on the night Leon,” I said to him. “Now that’s all sorted we need to decide what song your going to sing when you do your duet.”
Change - Sugababes
I knew this performance was going to rock, it had taken me so long to convince everyone involved that it was a good idea so if it backfired it backfired on me big time, it might actually cost Leon his chance at the top. Now I was wondering if I had actually made the right decision.
The audience had quietened down when the music started and I held my breathe when Leon began.
“Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall,” he sand looking to stage left.
He walked out but his first line was drowned out by the applause and screams of the audience. They both concentrated on the song, interacting with each other and with the audience and when Nick smirked right at me I wanted to screw him then and there, live tv show be damned. He looked so good in his suit, with his bow tie undone hanging loosely round his neck.
“Me and my shadow
Closer than smog is to all of L.A.
Closer than Ricky to confessing he's gay??
Not a soul can bust this team in two
We stick together like glue,” they both harmonised.
I tore my gaze away from him after about a minute when Simon nudged me, right I was hear to judge Leon’s performance not Nick’s. Good interaction with the audience, good interaction with Nick, hadn’t missed a beat on the chorography, overall his best performance yet.
“And when it's sleeping time,” Leon sang.
“That's when we rise,” Nick harmonised paying close attention to a few backstreet fans that were in the audience.
“We start to swing,” Leon replied executing a perfect, complicated dance step making Nick jokingly roll his eyes at him before he sang his next line.
“Oh you think you're so jazz you.”
Before I knew it they were coming up to the finish and I knew I wouldn’t be the only one who was disappointed, I was glad that these things were taped because I was so going to watch this back over and over.
“Life is gonna be wow-wow-whee! For my shadow and me!”
There was applause but it died out quickly when it obvious the performance wasn’t over. Nick was sat on top of the steps with Leon at the bottom.
“Can we do that again?” Leon asked excitedly.
“No, I'm too tired,” Nick said faking a yawn.
“Please Nick,” Leon begged but Nick shook his head.
“No, I'm swung out.”
“I'll give you some money,” Leon said standing up.
“I don't need money,” Nick said shrugging his shoulders.
“What about a cup of tea?” He offered as if that would make him change his mind but again Nick shook his head.
“I'm not thirsty.”
Here was the big finish.
“I won't tell anyone you're gay,” Leon said winking at the camera making both him and Nick laugh along with the audience before they launched into the last few lines of the song again.
“Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar
We'll hit all the late spots, and then a few more
We'll start out at Stringy's and maybe Groucho
Life is gonna be wow-wow-whee!
For my shadow and me!”
Most of the audience were on there feet as were all us judges and it took Dermot two attempts to quiet the audience down to hear out comments.
“Louie your comments,” Dermot asked.
“I liked it, although it wasn’t as good as the Robbie and Jonathan version it was still enjoyable.”
“Sharon?” Dermot asked next.
“I think you should take it on the road,” she said receiving huge applause for the audience. “ If I was only twenty years younger I would be after the pair of you,” she said blowing them kisses making Nick laugh and Leon blush.
“Willow? I think your going to be a bit impartial here aren’t you?” Dermot said.
“Oh contraire, Leon excellent vocal’s not a note missed, on the other hand the supposed polished professional had two slip ups,” I said looking at him as he mockingly looked shocked. “Ok alright I’ll retract the last statement,” I said when I received a large amount of boos. “Overall I loved it and I do believe I am owed a considerably amount of money from people who said it wouldn’t be successful,” I said handing over to Simon.
“Hated the idea from the get go,” Simon said receiving a large amount of boos and hisses, it was like being at a pantomime. “Let me finish,” he said standing up so he could fish out his wallet from his pocket. “Willow ten quid for you,” he said paying up on the bet we had made. “Leon I’m going to give you my honest opinion, that had to be the…best performance you have done to date. You looked comfortable on stage, you interacted well with the audience, you harmonized well and you actually looked like you were enjoying it which is important because if you look like your having fun then your audience will too.”
“So Leon what do you have to say to those comments?” Dermot asked.
“I’m just…wow, thank you and I guess I need to thank Nick too,” he said turning and shaking his hand.
“Nick how do you think he did?” Dermot asked.
“Well considering I flew in yesterday and we haven’t had a lot of rehearsal time I think he was amazing and I had a lot of fun.”
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She snaked her arms around me from behind planting a kiss on my back when she caught up to me during the hour in which the public could vote before the winner would be announced.
“Thank you,” she said when I turned to her, linking our arms as we walked towards her dressing room.
“For what?” I asked.
“For agreeing to do that. It was the only song I could think of to get him through this duet where he would be comfortable with the style of the song, and with Rob not being available-” she said before I cut her off.
“I was second choice?!” I exclaimed and she put her hand to cover her mouth when she realised she hadn’t told me that earlier.
“I…Well he did sing it with Johnny, you sang it better and looked hotter if that makes any difference,” she said leaning up to kiss me.
“Hmm well… alright I guess I can let it go for now,” I joked kissing her back when we were inside her dressing room. I deepened the kiss pushing her up against the door making her moan in my mouth. She trailed her hand down my back, fingering the KAOS tattoo that was hidden under my shirt but then she pulled away abruptly.
“We can’t,” she said pushing me backwards.
“Why not? The door locks, we can be quiet,” I said smirking to her and I could see her contemplate it in her head.
“No,” she said shaking her head.
“You know you want to, I bet you’ve practically been wet since the performance, I saw the way you were checking me out,” I said seductively as I sat on the arm of the couch and I knew I would be able to break her by the way she was biting her lip and how her breathing had grown heavier. I reached out for her arm and pulled her to rest between my legs. “You look so fucking hot tonight babe,” I whispered to her as I traced a line from her neck down to her breast and when she sighed I knew I had her.
Chapter Thirty Two.
“With the amount of spray and grips it shouldn’t have just fallen out,” Marie the hair stylist said when I tracked her down to redo my hair because strands had fallen away making it look messy.
“I don’t know what to tell you,” I lied knowing full well why it had happened, shooting Nick a warning look when he started to chuckle from behind me.
“Oh here you are, I’ve been looking for you,” Sharon said walking into the room. “What happened to your hair?” She asked and then eyed Nick up in the corner. “You might want to pull your zipper up sweetie, makes it less of a giveaway,” she said to him when she noticed his fly was undone. I cracked up laughing I had never seen him blush so much in his life!
“Anway,” she continued, “I wanted to ask if you were planning on coming back next year? It’s been nice having another woman on the team.”
“To be honest I haven’t really thought that much about it. I might do but I’ll more than likely be touring with him,” I said nodding my head in Nick’s direction.
“Well think about it, it would be great to have you back,” she said before turning to Nick, “She has five minutes, keep your hands to yourself,” she joked making him blush again.
“I’ll get Jess as well, she’ll need to touch up your make up, you’ve got a bit of stubble rash,” she said looking at me through the mirror, a smirk on her face.
“Thanks,” I replied blushing.
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The after show party was in full swing by the time we arrived, I had only wanted to head back to the hotel to change as I didn’t feel comfortable in the expensive gown I had been wearing, but that had ended up in more sex and as he pulled me against him so we could squeeze through the crowds to the bar I could feel that he was hard again.
“Has someone slipped you Viagra?” I asked him when we reached the bar making him smile devilishly at me.
“You’re my Viagra darling,” he winked sleazily.
“Oh god what a line,” I said rolling my eyes. “Corona?” I asked him when the bar tender came to take our order and he nodded, “Two coronas please.”
“I want you,” he whispered into my ear throatily.
“Well you can’t have me yet, your going to have to be a good boy and wait, you think you can hold out?” I asked grabbing his bulge making him gasp out.
“If you do that then no,” he said when I handed him his beer.
“Come on sexy lets go bust some moves,” I said shaking my hips at him.
………………………………..........................................................................................
She turned her head to look at me and smirked. She knew exactly what she was doing and how turned on it was making me and she wiggled more in my lap making me even harder.
“Uh sorry?,” I said to Sharon when I realised I had been too distracted to hear what she had said.
“I said when are you leaving?”
“A few days, we’re going to do some sight seeing, any place I should take her to earn some brownie points?” I asked while Willow spoke to Leon.
“Fifteen for dinner, that’s Jamie’s place, I can call and get your reservations if you’d like, and the London Eye, she’ll like that,” She replied over the din of the music and she was just about to say something else when Willow jumped up off my lap and started pulling me towards the dance floor. She loved this song.
When we were in the middle of the throng of people who were on the dance floor she pulled my arms around her waist and then wrapped hers around my neck, grinding her hips into mine, smirking at me as she danced and sang along.“You’re drunk,” I said to her.
“Doi,” she said cracking into a big smile before she bought her lips up to mine, kissing me passionately only pulling away when she became breathless. I knew the look in her eyes all to well and smiled to myself when she grabbed my hand and started to pull me off the dance floor. I soon became confused when she headed towards the bathrooms, she said she would never have sex in a club, that it was too tacky and sleazy.
“Where are we going?” I asked but she just carried on like she didn’t hear me.
I pretended that I hadn’t heard him, I knew this was one of his fantasies, to have noisy sex in a really public place but he had never gotten the courage to do it in fear of it being publicised, a scandal that he didn’t really need a few years ago with all that was going on with his family. He hadn’t really been in the media for something bad in a while though, not that this was bad but it would be shocking for my blonde angelic backstreet boy to be heard having sex in a public bathroom.
I pushed him into the stall roughly before squeezing in as well and closing the door behind me. Then I pounced on him, kissing him passionately until I could feel the burn in my lungs alerting me that I needed oxygen.
“Are you serious?” he asked his blue eyes wild.
“Nervous about living out your fantasy baby?” I whispered seductively as I snaked my hands into the front of his pants, stroking him making him moan above me before he realised how loud that had been. “Your so hard Nicky, is that for me? Are you excited that people might be able to hear? Will they hear how I can make you cry out? Are you gona scream my name so they know who is doing this to you?” I asked making him look at me wide eyed. I knelt down in front of him as I undid his zipper and then pulled down his pants, raising an eyebrow to him when I saw he wasn’t wearing any boxers.
“Opps, guess I forgot,” he shrugged before closing his eyes and resting his head back against that stall wall when he felt me close my lips around the head of his cock. I licked and sucked and grazed my teeth along his shaft but he was being far too quiet, he was even managing to control his breathing so it wasn’t loud. I looked up to him, his eyes were squeezed shut, he was really concentrating hard at being a good boy.
That had to change.
I moved my hands from cupping his balls to stroke the sensitive skin between them and his ass. A throaty moan escaped his lips, and he opened his eyes looking down at me as my fingers moved further towards his ass. We had never done anything like this before, we had never even really talked about it but I knew as long as I kept my mouth on his cock he would agree to anything.
I kept my eyes on him letting him know he could trust me, it would also be my queue to know if I was going to far, or whether he liked it and at the moment I couldn’t really tell either way so I kept going. I fingered his hole and he moaned so loudly closing his eyes in satisfaction so I kept going.
But after a few seconds his hands came to my head pulling me off him and I wondered whether I had gone too far.
I pulled her up kissing her roughly, pushing my tongue into her mouth while I tugged at her pants, trying to get them down. It wasn’t that I didn’t like what she had been doing, it had been fucking amazing, but I knew if she kept it up I would have come so hard and I wanted, no needed to be inside her when that happened.
“Fuck me Nick,” she said, helping me to pull her underwear down, my hands found her centre and I rubbed her clit a few times making her moan louder then usual and I knew that she was doing it purposely, she wanted people to hear.
I pulled her up and pushed her against the stall wall so we could balance while she wrapped her legs around my waist and I slid into her making both of us cry out.
“Your so hot around me, fuck,” I said when she clenched her walls around me.
“You feel so uhhhhh,” she moaned when I started working my way in and out of her.
I knew this was going to be over quickly, we had had a night full of foreplay what with her sitting on my lap and dancing sexually. I was trying to hold out as long as possible but it was getting harder and harder with every thrust and her crying out every time I pushed into her was driving me insane.
Both our eyes grew wide when someone started banging on the stall door.
“Keep going, don’t you dare stop,” she said running one of her hands through my hair.
“This is security open up now.”
Fuck we were going to be in so much trouble.
I felt her walls clench around me and she screamed my name at the top of her lungs as she came pulling me along with her.
“Open up now,” Security said banging on the door again and she slid down off me as we both pulled our pants up quickly looking at each other trying not to laugh. She ran her hands through her hair quickly before unlocking to door and slipping out and I followed behind her.
“I’m going to have to escort you off the premises, I also have to inform you that you are no longer welcome at this establishment,” the beefy doorman said as we followed him out of the bathroom where people were stood wide eyed as we exited.
By the time we reached the cold outdoors we were in full blown giggles, trying to hold one another up as we hailed a cab.
“I can’t believe we just did that,” he said through laughter.
“If this gets out, there is no way I’m going to be asked back to judge again next year.”
Chapter Thirty Three
I looked out at the scenery and smiled when I felt his arms snake around me from behind.
“If you look way over there you can see the Eifel Tower,” he said pointing out to the distance and like a sucker I looked to where he was pointing only to see an electricity pylon in the distance and when I turned round he was in hysterics.
“Goon,” I said elbowing him.
“I can’t believe you fell for that one. My mum’s got curly hair and brushes her teeth,” he said imitating Peter Kay who he had come to love whilst we had been over here. (AN: It’s a skit where he signals that someone is psycho, its very funny.)
“I can’t believe we only have three days left here,” I said looking out over London whilst we slowly moved in the Eye. The view was really good considering that it was so cold and overcast here now, even Nick had started to wear gloves and a scarf.
“Told you we could do it,” he said wrapping his arms back round me again before he placed a kiss to my cheek.
“I didn’t doubt that. It’s going to be weird going back to somewhere warm, I’ll actually be able to wear a swimsuit!” I exclaimed.
“Or nothing at all,” he leered.
“Come on horny,” I said pulling his hand as the doors to the capsule opened signalling that the ride was over, “Christmas shopping awaits.” He groaned and then took my hand as I pulled him through the crowds and towards the tube station at waterloo. He got a kick out of using the underground, it was something he classed as normal and he said he hadn’t got enough of that when he was younger. At first I had been a bit wary about him being noticed when we were in a confined space but no one had actually noticed him it had been me they had recognised from the show.
“Willow?” I turned when someone called my name and smiled at the young girl standing in front of me. “It is you, wow, its nice to meet you,” she said shyly.
“You to, what’s your name?” I asked as Nick reloaded our oyster cards so we could pass the gates to get the tube.
“Izzy. I just wanted to tell you that I think your songs are amazing and that you were a really cool judge, are you going to come back next year?” She asked.
“Maybe, it depends on what I’m up to but I would like to. Are you getting ready for Christmas?” I asked noticing all the shopping bags she held in her hands.
“I am finished as of today, all I have to do is wrap everything.”
“I’ve still got loads of people to get for and I have to drag him around with me, Nick really doesn’t like to shop,” I said as he made his way towards us.
“My boyfriend sat on his laptop and ordered everything.”
“Which is what I wanted to do,” Nick said giving her the infamous grin.
“But then you miss all the lights and you don’t get into the Christmas spirit,” Izzy said proving my point. “We’ll I’ll let you go, it was nice to meet you,” she said.
“You to and have a good Christmas,” I said smiling back at her.
“Two hours and that’s it, if you haven’t got it all in two hours we are ordering it on line,” he said grabbing my hand as we walked towards the escalator.
“Bah humbug.”
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“I could live here,” she said as she sat in a pile of cuddly toys in Hamley’s and I laughed at her while I took a photo on my phone. “It’s the best place ever, well apart from Disney.”
“Your such a kid,” I said pulling her out.
“That is the pot calling the kettle black, so while we’re here what do you want for Christmas?” She asked.
“I have what I want for Christmas,” I said and even in my head that sounded Cheesy and I could tell she was thinking the same thing as she started making gagging noises.
“Oh god your not going to start singing the Mariah song are you?”
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need, don’t care about the presents underneath the Christm-” She covered my mouth with her hand then, but I was still singing underneath it.
“Stop it,” she said glaring at me and then something caught her eye and she was off. I followed her through the crowds of others and found her placing a pirate’s hat on her head, she already had the patch on. “Ye walk the plank you squally wag,” she said pointing the sword at me and then she swung it and it made a noise like it was hitting against another sword and her face lit up. “So cool!” She exclaimed, “We have to get these,” she said picking up another set and I opened my mouth before I even thought about it.
“Why we haven’t got any kids.”
I so wanted to take that back.
Her face fell immediately and she out the swords back walking towards the cash register so she get the few presents she’d picked out for Baylee and the stuffed turtle she’d wanted to get Mason as a joke. She was in the middle of the transaction when I finally caught up with her.
“I’m sorry,” I apologised.
“For what?” She said throwing the cashier a smile as she took the bag she was handed. She was trying to shrug it off like nothing had happened but I knew I had hurt her.
“You know what for.”
“For stating the obvious? I’m not mad.”
“I didn’t think you were mad, I think I upset you and I didn’t want to do that.”
“I’m fine, come on we still need to go to Covent Garden,” she said as she walked out on to the cold street and I followed her.
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I had heard and felt her get out of bed and assumed that she was going to use the bathroom but when she didn’t come back straight away I got up. Even though the hotel kept the rooms warm I still needed something to take away the small chill so I pulled on the bathrobe that was thrown across the end of the bed.
I opened the door quietly, the room was in darkness so I couldn’t really see her but I could hear her crying and that broke my heart. Ever since I opened my big mouth earlier she hadn’t been right, she been distant and quiet and not even watching Scrubs had cheered her up. I went to walk across to her but the floorboard creaked and she turned her head slightly.
“Go back to bed Nick, I’m fine,” she said trying to sound composed.
“You don’t sound fine,” I said.
“I am, just not sleepy that’s all, go back to bed,” she said trying to hide her face as I finally made it in front of her.
“Well I’m not tired now,” I said sitting on the coffee table and she quickly wiped away a tear that slipped down her cheek.
“Just leave me alone.”
“I can’t do that, I’m not going to leave you here to cry by yourself.”
“I don’t want your pity,” she said bitterly.
“I’m not here for that Will, I’m here to apologise,” I said placing my hand on her leg but she pulled away quickly.
“For what its not your fault I cant have kids.”
“I should have thought before I opened my mouth, I never meant to hurt you, what can I do to make this better?”
“You can’t do anything Nick, you can’t fix this so just leave it alone, leave me alone to deal with this,” she said wiping away more tears. I realised that it wasn’t just today, she had been hiding this from me since we had got back together and I felt so blind that I hadn’t realised sooner. “Go away,” she almost yelled at me but when I sat on the couch next to her she didn’t hesitate when I pulled her into an embrace.
“This is just so unfair.”
“I know it is but we’ve got each other,” I said as I rocked her gently.
“You could still…you coul-”
“Don’t start that again,” I said pulling her away from me so I could look at her.
“I would understand,” she hiccupped.
“The only family I would want would be with you.”
“But I can’t give you that,” she nearly sobbed.
“Willow please don’t do this to me again, don’t walk away from me again,” I whispered panicked that that was what she was going to do.
“I’m not I just I don’t even know why I’m getting this upset about it it’s not like we were even close to thinking about having kids together.”
“That was always the plan though wasn’t it? You can admit it,” I said.
“No. Well only if we had both wanted to,” she said playing with the hem of my t-shirt that she was wearing.
“We could adopt, we could have a family that way,” I said and I didn’t even know where that had come from, there was no way I was ready to be a father yet.
“You’d be okay with that?” She asked still not looking at me.
“Yeah but I er…” I hesitated, I didn’t want her to think that I wanted that right now.
I could tell he was panicking and I could have jumped in earlier to reassure him that I wasn’t ready for kids just yet but it was so much fun to watch him squirm. I finally looked up to him and smiled and I thought I saw him gulp.
“We don’t have to start looking now Nick,” I said and he smiled sheepishly at me.
“We’re not there yet are we?” He asked taking my hand in his.
“No we’re not but I hope we will be someday,” I said leaning my head against his shoulder.
“No one I would rather be there with,” he said kissing my head, “Come one lets go to bed.”
Chapter Thirty Four.
I walked over to where he was sat in the departure lounge, frowning when I saw the look of uneasiness on his face while he was reading a magazine.
“What’s up baby? Stock market crashing?” I joked putting the bottles of water in my carry on bag. He looked up to me and sighed, handing me the page that he had been reading. It was the Celeb’s spotted page of Heat magazine and in the bottom left corner was a grainy picture of us that had been taken by a camera phone being escorted out of China Whites. The Caption read “Spotted Backstreet Boy Nick Carter and X factor Judge Willow Abrams getting down and dirty in the bathroom of China Whites, when will Celeb’s learn sex in public bathrooms is not classy.”
“Shit,” I said looking up to him a small smile playing on my face.
“It’s not funny,” he said.
“It’s a bit funny,” I said as I started to giggle.
“Your Dad is going to kill me,” he said and that made me laugh even harder.
“He doesn’t read trashy magazines like this,” I answered.
“He’ll still find out and then he’ll kill me, then he’ll kill you when I tell him it was your idea.”
“Don’t you dare,” I warned.
“What? It’s the truth,” He said.
“It was your fantasy your twisted man,” I said pointing my finger at him.
“Yeah FANTASY, I wasn’t the one who made it reality was I?”
“You didn’t seem to mind,” I said back.
“I…well…damn,” he said knowing I had him there.
“Don’t worry about it baby, I think this is funny. Come on,” I said standing up when I heard our flight information called.
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I lifted my eye mask and glared at her but she just smirked back and continued what she was doing.
“Stop it,” I whispered as she continued pumping me.
“Your hard your enjoying it,” she whispered back so no one else on the flight would be able to hear us. “Enjoy it baby, sex in a public place, your fantasy remember?”
“Which we’ve lived out once on this trip and got caught,” I whispered my breath becoming more ragged as I got closer.
“They can hardly throw us out at the altitude we are can they?”
She scratched her nails down my hard length and I had to bit my lip to keep from crying out. I shifted onto my side to give her better access, I knew I wasn’t going to win this one, and even if I would have there would have been the problem of my hard on.
A few more strokes and I exploded in her hand, suppressing my moan by swallowing it. I felt her clean me up with some tissues and then she rubbed some across her hands before she kissed my nose.
“Night Nicky,” she said.
“Don’t think your getting off that easily,” I said trailing my hands down her stomach and into the top of her sweat pants tracing the lace of her panties with my finger, grateful that the blanket was concealing all of this. She was so wet but I wasn’t surprised she always got excited when she got me off by using her mouth or hands. I snaked my hands into her panties, rubbing her clit with my thumb a few times and she instinctively arched her back towards me. I trailed my hand further down and pushed two of my fingers inside of her, making her bite down on my shoulder to keep quiet. After about a minute she started to throb around me and I pushed my palm against her cit hard as she came.
“I love these new beds in planes,” she said smiling at me as I sucked her juices off my fingers.
“So do I,” I agreed kissing her.
Chapter Thirty Five
“I told you it was too big,” she said looking up from the magazine she was reading as I attacked the Christmas tree with a saw, trying to rid it of some of its height.
“It’s not too big,” I said lying through my teeth. Why was I lying? The truth was in front of me hell it was in front of her and but if someone said the sky was blue I’d tell them different. She just threw me a look that screamed “WHATEVER” and went back to reading the article. “You know you could at least help.” She threw the magazine onto the coffee table and dug through one of the boxes, sighing when she pulled out a tangled mess of lights. “I meant with the tree.”
“Oh no you got into that mess you can get yourself out,” she said sitting crossed legged as she began to try and untangle the lights.
Two hours later and we had just managed to get the tree standing straight with the lights on.
“I think it looks good like that, you know less is more,” I said falling back on the couch put she pulled me up.
“Oh no you don’t, here,” she said handing me a box of decorations. She then picked up the reams of tinsel that were laying haphazardly around the room from where she had thrown them out of the box and strung them around her neck.
“Nicky,” she said excitedly pulling on my arm, “It’s nearly Christmas!”
“Well duh,” I said throwing a babul to her.
“Aren’t you excited? Father Christmas is getting ready.”
“Willow I hate to break it to you but he doesn’t exist,” I said laughing at her mocked shocked expression.
“Coal for you this year then,” she said picking another ornament out of the box. She was quiet for a moment and I caught her looking at what was in her hand. It was the ornament that I had made for her on our very first Christmas together as a couple, it was hard to believe that this would be our Third Christmas together.
“Happy third Christmas,” I said holing up some old mistletoe from last year. She laughed and pulled me in for a kiss.
“I think we should watch a Christmas movie after we’ve finished,” she said pulling away from me and I rolled my eyes, “Nick stop being a humbug.”
“Fine, fine but don’t blame me of I fall asleep.”
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“I’m thinking we should have taken my Mom up on her offer, what the hell were we thinking when we invited everyone to our apartment?” I said as I threw more random vegetables into the trolley.
“You mean what were you thinking,” he said quietly but I heard him and when I threw him a look he just smiled at me. “How many carrots do you think?” He said walking away from me which was probably a good idea.
“How many are coming?” I asked.
“Your folks so that’s four, Dad, Ginger and the kids so that’s eight, Aaron, Angel, B.J and Wes so that’s fourteen including us,” he said as he began to shovel them in a bag without even looking at the quality of them.
“So we need a shit load then, Nick can you at least look at them, that ones going brown already and Christmas is two days away,” I said as I started to pick up potatoes.
“Baby I hate to make you even more neurotic then you already are but haven’t you forgotten something?” He said and I just started at him. “The fact that tomorrow we have a wedding to attend, when the hell are we going to prepare all this food?” He asked but thankfully I had thought of that two days ago.
“Mom said she would stop by tomorrow, she’s going to prepare all the veg and cook the turkey, she and Mike are going to stay overnight,” I said as I manically drove the shopping trolley around to the dairy isle, picking up milk, cream and butter.
“Willow their coming for one meal, they are not staying for a month,” he said pulling out three cartons of milk.
“So your saying six was overdoing it?”
“Just a tad. Chill baby there are going to be plenty of people to help with the food and stuff,” he said picking up a bottle of chocolate milk.
“How old are you?” I said eyeing him as he slipped it in amongst the other food items.
“That’s the beauty of chocolate milk, everyone loves it,” he said shrugging his shoulders as we walked around the supermarket. He picked up a pair of reindeer antlers and stuffed them on his head making me laugh and I knew he was trying to de-stress me, he was doing a good job.
“Wrapping paper,” He said snapping his fingers like he had just remembered.
“Leaving things till the last minute?” I asked.
“No I have the presents just not anything to wrap them with,” he said wondering off.
I groaned when I saw the queue as the cash registers, we were going to be here forever. I stood and flicked through a magazine while I waited for my turn to load up the conveyer belt with huge amount of food we had.
“Boo!” I nearly hit the roof when I felt a pair of hands grabbed at my side.
“Chris you bastard your scared the crap out of me,” I said hitting him in the arm but he just laughed at me.
“Hey girlie, feeding the five hundred?” Autumn asked.
“Feels like it, you know you guys are more then welcome to come over as well,” I said when I looked at what they were buying, cheerio’s, cheeto’s, pop tarts, Oreos and chocolate milk.
“We are not going to conform to the conventional turkey dinner with all the trimmings. It’s junk food city and lots of bad movies for us,” Chris said wrapping his arm around Autumn. I still found it strange that they were a couple, they were just so completely and utterly different, Autumn was loud, to the point and could be quite obnoxious at times. Chris was far more quiet, calm and relaxed about things, I would never had put them together, Nick had said that they started hanging out when they were “babysitting” him after I had broken it off and they seemed to have hit it off from there.
“Sup Dude?” Nick asked high fiving Chris when he found me at the checkout counter.
“Hosting a small get together?” He said motioning towards the trolley full of food.
“I plan on sitting in the lounge bro, I mean erm I’ll carve,” he said remembering that I was in ear shot.
“Baby come one otherwise we are never going to get out of here,” Autumn said pulling at Chris’s arm.
“Boxing day at mine?” Chris said as he was dragged off.
“Totally, see you then,” I said waving. When I turned round Nick was busy piling items onto the conveyer belt and he had totally forgotten about the antlers on his head.
“What are you laughing about?” he asked.
“Oh just these,” I said pulling them off his head making him blush.
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“You can’t come in yet,” I said when she banged on the bedroom door for the fifth time.
“What’s taking you so long?” She called.
“I’m wrapping all your presents.”
“How many have you got me?” She asked excitedly.
“I’ll be out in ten minutes, just put the film on,” I said as I tidied up the bits of paper that I didn’t use. All of her presents were in a pile on the bed but there was one that I hadn’t wrapped, it stood on my beside table I didn’t know when I was going to give it to her. I picked it up and held it in my hands for a few seconds before getting up and putting it in my jacket pocket.
I picked up the rest of the gifts and headed for the living room where she was laying on the sofa underneath a blanket even though we lived in Florida and it was warm. I placed the presents under the tree and turned round to see her face glancing at them all.
“Do not touch them,” I warned as I went into the kitchen to get a beer. I returned just in time to see her dive back onto the sofa. “What did I tell you?” I said handing her a glass of wine. “It’s not too late for Santa to take them back you know.”
I sat down next to her and she threw her legs across my lap and put the bowl of popcorn between us.
“But there won’t be enough time for him to find someone else to give them too so I’ll just have to have them. Do you want to open one of yours tonight?” I asked but he was on to me.
“No because then you’ll want to open one of yours, so sit and watch,” he said pointing to the TV. I sat and looked at the screen for ten minutes but I wasn’t into the film so I glanced across to him, he was sat and looked quite engrossed. I slowly slid my hands up and down his leg waiting for a reaction, the sigh came a few seconds later. I moved closer to him then and he glanced at me out of the corner of his eye. “I guess I’ll tape this and watch it later,” he said leaning forward to reach for the remote.
Chapter Thirty Six
“You okay?” Kristin asked as she sat down next to me while I watched Willow dance with Baylee at the reception.
“Yeah I’m good, hey little man,” I said taking Mason from her.
“You seem quiet today, everything okay with you and Willow,” she asked.
“We’re great. Never been better actually.”
“Then why are you quiet?” She probed. Handing me a rattle to keep her son occupied while I bounced him lightly on my lap.
“Just thinking about stuff that’s all and I think I ought to give Howie the day off, I mean I can’t really rag on him on his wedding day can I?” I joked and she laughed.
“So things are good between you guys? Everything’s sorted?”
“Kris we’re good,” I said looking over to Willow who was attempting to be twirled by Baylee, she had actually got on to her knees to be able to get under his arm and he was having a wail of a time. That’s what I loved about her, that she could make herself look like a total fool or crazy person to make someone else have a good time or laugh. I chuckled and then glanced back over to Kris who had teas in her eyes. “Jesus your not pregnant again are you?” I asked.
“No, it’s just nice to have the old you back. I don’t like seeing you how you were.”
“Well I didn’t exactly want to be that way. I guess I should thank you actually for kicking her in the butt.”
“That would be your big brother who did that, I was just there when she finally let herself fall apart,” she said digging around in Mason’s bag for something else to entertain him when he began to fuss.
“What are two talking about?” Kevin asked handing Kris a glass of wine.
“Just how nice it is to have the old him back,” she replied smiling at him.
“Yeah until you start pulling pranks again.”
“Well I have to teach my nephew a thing or to. Right Mason? When your older I’ll teach you how to put suran wrap over the toilet seat, and about switching the shampoo with hair colour, we’ll make him crack,” I said to Mason who just gurgled and then stuck his fist in his mouth.
“Mason I‘m warning you now you will be grounded for life if you listen to him,” he joked.
I watched Baylee dance and clapped when he slid along the floor on his knees. “Baylee I think you could give your Daddy and run for his money,” I said pulling him up so he was standing again.
“Hey Baylee can I steal your partner?” Howie asked coming over to me. Baylee just nodded and ran off in the direction of Bri and Leighanne.
“Hey you, won’t your wife mind you dancing with me?” I asked as he wrapped his arms around me.
“Well she’s dancing with Alex and left me all alone.”
“I’m sure you’ll live.”
“Well actually I didn’t come here to dance I came her to kick your ass out, you never R.S.V.P’d,” he joked.
“Ahh see that’s where your wrong, I’m here as Nick’s guest so you can’t kick me out.”
“You got me, thank you for coming today,” he said as he twirled me around the dance floor.
“No problem. I’m really happy for you guys and glad that you finally asked her after how many years.”
“Yeah I know I know, I should have done it a lot sooner. He’ll get round to it too you know,” He said when he caught me glance in Nick’s direction. “ I know he’s said that he doesn’t want to get married but I think that with all you guys have been through things may have changed.”
“You think? Because I’m not pinning any hopes on that, anyway who says I want to marry him?” I said joking him off.
“You know you would say yes in a second, don’t you even try to deny it.”
“Well he’s not going to ask so I guess we’ll never know.”
………………………………..........................................................................................
All it took was one song and a few beers, except for Jay, and they were like boys again. The four of them were up playing air guitar and singing wildly, Nick however was the only one to have his tie wrapped around his head.
“I look at him like that and I can’t believe that he’s 32 and has a child,” Leighanne said taking a sip of her wine.
“Nick will always be fifteen to me, it doesn’t take much for him to revert back to it,” I said turning my head when Kristin started laughing. What the hell was he doing? What the hell were they doing? “When they fall it’s not going to be pretty,” I said through giggles when Nick started wobbling with Brian on his back as he tried to continue to dance.
“Yeah well at least its that way round, if Howie and Leigh hadn’t of left you know that Nick would have tried to jump on Howie,” Kris said as she rocked a grizzly Mason. She looked stressed so I held my hands out for him and she gladly passed him across.
“You teething little guy?” I asked but he just grabbed hold on my finger and stuck it in his mouth.
“You going to your Mom’s for Christmas?” Kristin asked.
“No everyone is coming to ours, last tally was fourteen.”
“In yours and Nick’s apartment? Have fun.”
“Yeah I know stupid idea as Nick keeps reminding me but I knew that he wanted to see his Dad this year and my Mom is a total freak when it comes to Christmas so it was just easier. That was in theory the logistics of it our a bit trickier,” I said bouncing Mason to try and keep him happy.
“Come on sexy lets dance,” Nick said walking over to me, flushed from carrying Brian on his back with the tie still wrapped around his head.
“On the condition you take your head gear off,” I said as I handed Mason to Denise to give Kris a bit more of a break.
“Spoil sport,” he said taking it off and leaving it on the table.
“Where are you going?” He asked as I went to walk into our bedroom.
“To the place where we keep the bed, so I can you know sleep,” I replied as I started to take my stilettos off, I hated heels with a passion and I wanted to kill the sadistic man who had invented them. The dress I was wearing however called for heels and so I had been in agony all day.
“Well if you wait ten minutes it will be Christmas so you can open one of your presents,” he said leaning against the door frame to the living room. Instantly I was back tracking and walking towards him in excitement.
“Can I choose which one, I want to open the big one, its been staring at me for three days,” I said and he rolled his eyes.
“No I get to choose,” he said opening the door to the living room and I knew that my Mom had been in on this. The tree lights were still on, there were a few candles lit around the room and there were Christmas carols being played softly from the CD player.
“If you think that your getting lucky tonight by giving me a Christmas present think again buddy, my mother is under this roof,” I said as I walked in to the living room further.
“Do you want your present or not?” He said closing the door behind him and then he went to the tree to retrieve a small neatly wrapped box that I hadn’t even seen amongst all the other larger presents.
He handed me the box and sat on the beanbag that was next to the couch. I shook it trying to see if I could guess what it was and he was watching me with a look in his eyes I had never seen before. I was beginning to wonder whether Howie was right, maybe he had changed his mind about marriage, at that thought my insides turned to jelly.
I tore into the package and opened the top of the box, surprised at what I found inside.
.
I had to hold back a laugh when she opened the present and tried to hide her disappointment.
“I love it,” she said holding the bauble up so she could read what was written on it.
“Well I thought being it’s our third Christmas together and with what’s happened this year, we should add another one to the tree,” I said standing up from where I sat.
“I totally agree baby,” She said standing up so she could hang it from the tree. I wrapped my arms around her from behind when she was finished and kissed her neck.
“I told you no nookie,” she said taking my hands in hers. “Oh I love this song, dance with me?” She asked turning around and I pulled her in closer to me so she could rest her head on my chest like she always did when we danced.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight
“You know I love you don’t you?” I asked and she shook her head yes. “You always come first Willow no matter what, I’d give up everything for you. When I thought I was going to loose you I didn’t know what I was going to do, you make me who I am, I’m a better person when I’m around you, I’m happier when I’m around you and I want to keep it that way. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want you in my life forever, I want to grow old with you,” I said as I pulled away from her.
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away
I didn’t even know where the ring came from. One minute we had been slowly dancing and the next minute he was down on one knee holding a ring out to me. I was totally shell shocked, I had thought that the present he had given me earlier was going to be a ring but he totally threw me off the scent. I could feel my eyes misting over and I wanted to wipe them but I was frozen to the spot.
“You know when you asked me what I wanted for Christmas?” He asked and I nodded. “I want to be your husband so I guess I’m asking you to marry me,” he whispered.
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.
“Your supposed to say something,” I prompted when she didn’t answer me but deep down I knew what her answer would be. I was actually surprised that I wasn’t more nervous, I had been on edge all day, trying to plan the perfect moment to do this. I had planned to take her aside at the reception but it just didn’t feel right so I had called her Mom and asked her to set this up. Asking her now just felt so right that all my nerves had gone.
She knelt down in front of me, but didn’t say anything as she wrapped her arms around me and just held me for a few seconds, shit what if she was going to say no? I hadn’t really planned on that, how would I hide the disappointment?
“With all you’ve put up with this year I think your definitely on Santa’s good list,” she whispered into my ear.
“Is that a yes?” I whispered back. She pulled back to look at me then a small smile crossing her face and I knew her answer before she even said anything.
“It’s a big huge giant yes.”
Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.
Chapter thirty eight
“So have you guys set a date yet?” Ginger asked as we all sat in the living room after we had gorged ourselves on a huge dinner.
“Not yet, I’m still shocked that we’re actually going to do this,” I said making her laugh.
“Guys look what I found,” Nick said as he bought more presents into the room. “I think Santa may have got confused because these say there for Kanden and Taelyn,” he said making them get excited as he handed them a few presents each so they could tear into them.
“He’s so good with kids, he’s going to make a great Dad when you guys decide to have your own,” Ginger said and instantly my good mood was gone. I knew that it wasn’t her fault, I still wasn’t to sure who knew and who didn’t, he had shared it with all of his band mates, my folks were aware and B.J had been told but other than that I was clueless.
The more I watched him the more I understood what she meant, he was so good with them, helping Kanden to get started by tearing a bit of the paper for him, ohhing when Taelyn thrust a Barbie in his face. I had to get out of there and fast. Luckily everyone was focused on watching the kids open their presents and I was able to sneak out.
I opened the door to the balcony and just stood out there and watched the waves crash on the beach, I wasn’t going to cry, I did not want to ruin today and I knew crying would do that. I would stand here for a few minutes compose myself an then head back and hopefully no one would know I had been gone. My plan was foiled when I heard the balcony door open again though.
“What are you escaping out here for?” Bob asked coming to lean against the railing.
“Just a bit warm in there,” I lied as I turned to smile at him.
“Liar. I heard what she said, she didn’t mean anything by it Will, she doesn’t know, I didn’t know whether you guys wanted people to know,” he said.
“It’s not the kind of thing that comes up in general conversation but I don’t care about people knowing.”
“You okay?” He asked.
“I’m…not going to lie. Watching him today, knowing that I can’t give him that hurts,” I admitted.
“He said you guys talked about adopting.”
“Yeah it’s not the same though.”
“Life’s not perfect Willow, you need to be glad that your still here, you do remember how close you came to not being here don’t you?” He asked putting his hand on my arm and I nodded. “I think you’ve had a really shit year, the pair of you have but next year is going to be great for you two. Do you need a hug?” He asked.
“Yeah,” I nodded and he pulled me into his arms. “You hug like Nick,” I said making him laugh.
“He is my son, I think I taught him a thing or two,” he said pulling back so we could both make our way inside.
“There you are,” I said as they both made their way back inside the apartment. “You okay?” I asked Willow when she wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
“I’m fine, what I need an excuse to hug my fiancée?” She said giggling when she called me that.
“No. Please tell me you remembered batteries?” I asked and she just rolled her eyes.
“Yes Nick I remembered, I’ll go and get them,” She replied wondering off in the direction of the bedroom.
“Is she okay?” I asked my Dad as he sat down at the breakfast bar.
“We’ve talked and she’s fine,” he said cryptically.
“You don’t need to talk in code old man,” I said and he hit me in the shoulder as I walked by to get a drink.
“She’s fine Nick, just don’t keep asking her okay? You’ll only make her mad,” he said and I left it at that. “Spoken to your Mom today?” He asked.
“Now your going to make me mad,” I said looking at him.
“Sorry,” He said holding his hands up.
“Come on you can help put together Taelyns Barbie car,” I said walking towards the living room.
“Oh no you bought it you fix it together.”
………………………………...............................................................................................
“What are you thinking about?” I asked her as she sighed while we were curled up on the couch watching a film.
“All the leftover food we have, you do realise your going to be eating Turkey for the next three months don’t you?” she said.
“I thought you gave most of it to mine and your folks?”
“Yeah I did, I think maybe we over did it a bit,” she said.
“Better to have to much then too little. I enjoyed today it was nice to have everyone together.”
“Yeah it was nice but I think we need a bigger place if we’re going to do it again next year, fourteen people here was a bit cramped.”
“I was thinking that we should move anyway, you know a new year, a new house, getting married, I think it would be good.”
“I’m to exhausted to make plans like that now,” she said yawning, “but ask me in January. Hey I know your plan Mate, I’m on to you,” She said quickly jabbing me in the side.
“What?” I asked confused.
“Your going to be touring next year, so that would leave all the planning for the wedding and moving up to me,” she said moving so she could look at me.
“I actually hadn’t thought of that but now that you mention it.”
“NO,” she yelled.
“But baby.”
“NO.”
“Fine we’ll do it together.”
We were quiet then watching the rest of POC3 which he had bought me on DVD for Christmas. I only turned to him when I heard him snore lightly. I laughed at his face, he always looked like a little boy when he slept, he had this innocence about him which I knew was a complete lie there was nothing innocent about him. I switched off the TV when the film ended and just watched him, after all this time I still noticed things about him that I hadn’t before like the small freckle where his ear met his head. Then again it still amazed me how much I did know about him, small things like the way a few strands of his hair would always point in the opposite direction to how he had styled it, no matter how much product he put on it, or how he always got dimples when he was truly smiling or laughing at something. I knew him better then anybody and I knew he knew more about me then anybody.
I glanced down at the ring on my hand, loving how it glistened when it caught the light from the Christmas tree. Bob was right, this year had sucked, but I knew next year was going to be better for us, if this year hadn’t happened I knew that we wouldn’t be engaged, we would still be plodding along as boyfriend and girlfriend and I wondered how long that would of made me happy. Then I wondered whether he was doing this because he wanted to or because it was expected of him.
“Nick,” I said poking him. He moaned lightly, moved a bit then went back to sleep. “Nick,” I poked harder this time.
“What?” He asked not opening his eyes.
“I…You asked me to marry you because you want to get married right?”
“No I asked you to marry me because I want you to run a marathon,” he said sarcastically looking at me perplexed. “Of course I asked you to marry me because I want to get married.”
“Your not doing it because you feel you have to.”
“I do have to marry you,” he said sitting up slightly. “There’s no one else out there who I want to marry baby, your it for me. I asked you to marry me because I love you and I want everyone else to know that.”
“You don’t have to marry me to show people that,” I said.
“What’s this all about? Do you not want to marry me?” He asked.
“No I mean yes I want to marry you I just want to make sure that you asked me for the right reasons and not because of everything that’s happened this year.”
“I want you to be my wife, I want you to marry me because I love you. It definitely is because of this year though and it’s not because of what your thinking. I don’t want to marry you because of what you’ve been through, its not a pity marriage, its because if this year has taught me nothing else it’s taught me how short life is and how quickly you could loose everything. That answer your question?” He said stroking my arm and I nodded. “I love you,” he said kissing the top of my head.
“I love you to,” I said moving so I could kiss him. His hands got tangled in my hair as he deepened the kiss and I ground my hips into his feeling his growing erection through his pants. I pulled back and grinned down at him before I trailed down his body and started to rub him through the fabric.
“Jesus,” he moaned above me as I slowly undid his pants and pulled them down his legs leaving him clad only in boxers, his hard on extremely evident.
“Excited about something baby,” I said as I pushed my hand in through the top and grasped him firmly making him whimper my name. My tongue was on him as soon as I shed his boxers. I ran my hands up and down his thighs as I swirled my tongue around his cock. Keeping him in my mouth I looked up to him when I felt his hands pull my hair to the side, he was looking down at me his eyes filled with lust. With one hand he held on to my hair and the other lightly massaged the back of my neck, he loved to watch me give him head.
“No,” he said firmly when I could tell he was close but I kept going anyway. He pulled at me then and I let him fall out of my mouth. “No I don’t want to come yet,” he said again pulling me up to him. I shed my top as he did so and I felt his hand snake into the back of my pants so he could caress my ass as we made out.
“Nick…More,” I said pulling away from him so I could pull my pants down. Whilst I was doing that he had expertly shed my bra and his thumbs were gently caressing my nipples. He bought me back down to him then, kissing my breasts before he bit down on one making me moan above him.
I could feel my erection between us and I reached down gently tugging at her clit making her cry out. I slipped a finger inside her, there was no resistance because she was so wet.
“Nick,” she pleaded looking at me and I knew what she wanted. I pulled my finger out of her and she pumped me hard a few times before she positioned me at her entrance sliding down on me. She just sat there for a few seconds with her head thrown back but I had to move.
“Fuck,” she said as she felt me move within her. She braced her hands on my chest as we moved towards that earth shattering moment that would leave us both breathless.
It was over all too soon.
“Merry Christmas,” she whispered making me smile.
“Merry Christmas Sexy,” I replied stroking her face.
Chapter Thirty Nine
My first thought was oww when I woke up, and I knew from there it wasn’t going to be a good day. I took a few deep breaths and then opened my eyes thankful that we at least had the sense to shut the blinds before we left last night. I glanced across to him as his eyes fluttered open, his head wasn’t even on the pillow and he was resting in a small pile of his own drool. Then again half of my face was a bit soggy and I realised I had been dribbling too.
He moved slightly and groaned, his head was obviously as bad as mine. I went to speak but my mouth felt like it was full of cotton wool.
“I’m getting up, peeing, taking a pain killer then coming back to bed,” he said softly as he pushed himself up from the bed.
“Bring me a pain killer,” I said as I watched him walk into the bathroom. I heard the knock at the door and groaned a “come in.” Autumn stuck her head round the door, her hair a complete mess, makeup smudged against her face, a pathetic look across her face.
“Owww,” was all she said as she came and laid down next to me on the bed.
“Dito,” I said as I put my head to hers. I didn’t get a chance to warn Nick about Autumn and he walked in stark naked.
“My, My, My Mr Carter,” she chuckled making him blush and quickly move his hands to cover himself up.
“Sorry,” I said throwing him a pillow so he could use that instead.
“Go back to bed,” he whined at her.
“Need something for the pain.” He turned then to get some from the bathroom, forgetting that he was naked making Autumn wolf whistle at his bare ass. He came back in and threw the packet at her. “Much obliged,” she said as she made her way towards the door.
“Tell Chris he knows where the bucket is, the bathroom needs to be clear of his puke before I get up,” Nick moaned to her.
“Yeah I’ll tell him, see you in a few hours,” she said shutting the door as he climbed back into bed handing me a glass of water and two pills. I swallowed them and then cuddled into him.
………………………………....................................................................................
I woke up to the sound of retching and she wasn’t beside me. When I managed to pull myself out of need I staggered towards the bathroom and nearly threw up myself when the smell hit me.
She was on the floor and her head was basically in the bowl of the toilet. I scooted down and started to rub her back as another wave hit her. I heard what was left in her stomach hit the water and winced but she was still after that.
“Finished?” I asked and she nodded her head yes. “Come back to bed,” I said pulling at her arm but she shook her head no. “it’s nicer than falling asleep with your head down the toilet, come on,” I said as I pulled her into my arms so I could carry her.
“Tequila is evil, it was put on this earth to hurt me,” she groaned as her head hit the pillow. I just smiled at her and then walked back into the bathroom, returning a few seconds later with a cool wash cloth. “Thanks baby,” she said as she placed it on her head.
“Happy New Year huh?” I said pulling on a pair of sweat pants, I was a bit cold but I also didn’t want a repeat of earlier and from looking at the clock I knew that Chris and Autumn would be getting up soon.
“Why do I do it? Every year and I never seem to learn.”
“Yeah but we did have fun last night,” I said sitting down next to her.
“Did we? I can’t remember half of it.”
“Trust me baby you were having a blast, dancing on tables, singing karaoke, performing a striptease for me in front of everyone,” I said and she pulled the wash cloth down her face slowly so she could look at me, “It was really sexy.”
“Your either lying or confusing me with a socialite tramp you used to date,” she said.
“I am never going to live that down am I? Your going to be bringing that up when we’re sat in rocking chairs on the porch,” I said and she chuckled.
“Okay now your confusing us with Kevin and Kristin, Rocking chairs? Porch?”
“You need to be careful baby, you seem to forget that I have the remote here and could play some action movie extremely loud,” I threatened.
“If you knew what was good for you, you wouldn’t dare,” she said as she put the washcloth back over her face.
“Engagement off?” I guessed but she shook her head no.
“No I’d still marry you but you would have to suffer a lifetime of celibacy.”
“Like YOU could go without sex, you would so cave,” I said tickling her side.
“No I wouldn’t,” she said squirming.
“Oh really.” It was definitely time to test that theory. I trailed my hand up and down her thigh and she put up resistance, batting at my hands but that was definitely not enough to stop me so I moved my body lower, trailing kisses down her stomach before I came to her throbbing clit, she wanted this.
“Nick,” she groaned throatily when she felt me lick her, her hands were in my hair now, holding me to her so I wouldn’t stop. I kept rubbing my hands up and down her thighs while I was licking, her breathing was becoming more erratic and I knew she was close.
I pushed into her hard and felt her walls contract around me when she had her first orgasm of the new year.
He started pumping in and out of me whilst planting kisses along my shoulder and into the crevice of my neck. I wrapped my legs around his back and felt him slide deeper making him moan and I felt my second orgasm wash over me but he was still going. He strokes were fast, hard and deep and I could hear his balls slapping my ass on every thrust.
I could hear Autumn on the other side of the door something about Chris and a bucket? I couldn’t call out in time and she opened the door.
“…can’t find.. SHIT sorry,” she said spotting what we were doing as she back tracked out of the room. He had stopped and started to giggle making me laugh along with him.
“Shit babe don’t do that,” he said when my giggling made my walls squeeze him.
“Why? You’ve not finished yet have you? Or did I miss it?” He stuck his tongue out at me as he began to move again, slowly this time, one of his hands coming to play with my boob. “Harder Gorgeous,” I said my nails biting in to his ass and he listened speeding up and fine layer of sweat forming in his hair line. He bit into my shoulder as he came taking me right along with him.
“For someone who thinks she could go without sex you can sure come pretty well, I’m sure that was a hat trick,” he said after a few minutes pulling out of me.
“What can I say? I am easily persuaded I mean I’m dating you right?”
“Ha ha you think your so funny,” he said rolling back onto his side of the bed and I moved so I could rest my head on his chest.
………………………………........................................................................................
“Hey who are you?” Autumn asked as Nick walked out the our bedroom fully dressed, then she looked round so she could see his ass, “Oh it’s you Nick, I didn’t recognise you with clothes on.”
“If you had the courtesy to knock then maybe it could have been avoided,” he said pouring himself a cup of coffee.
“Where is the fun in that?” She asked as he sat down at the breakfast bar next to her while I cooked brunch. “I just wish I had my camera then I could definitely write a see and tell all book,” she said ducking when he threw a dish cloth at her. “Willow is right though, you do have a nice ass even if it is a bit hairy.”
“My ass is not hairy. Willow tell her my ass isn’t hairy,” he whined.
“Baby I know your ass isn’t hairy and that’s all that matters,” I said pouring the mix into the waffle maker. “Is waffles going to be enough or should I do eggs as well?” I asked.
“Just waffles? No bacon?” He asked before taking a sip of coffee.
“You want bacon? Really?” I asked and he shook his head, “Fine,” I said walking to the fridge to pull some out.
“Where’s Chris?”
“Dying on your couch, I should actually check that he is still breathing,” Autumn said glancing in the direction of the living room.
“Is he really that bad? I didn’t think he was that tanked last night.”
“It’s Chris he always gets tanked. I think he is just catching up on sleep, he was barfing most of the night.”
“I don’t know why your laughing, if I hadn’t walked in when I did you would have fallen asleep with your head in the toilet,” He said when I started to laugh.
“I would have eventually found my way back to bed,” I said laying the strips of bacon in the frying pan.
“Here he is the man of the moment,” Nick said clapping his hands as Chris walked in.
“Don’t clap man,” he groaned sitting down rubbing his head.
Chapter Forty
“Oh look she’s so cute Nick,” she said pressing her face up against the glass. I knew coming in here for dog food would be a mistake.
“Yeah,” I said trying to sound unenthused but she just ignored me.
“You know maybe she would be good for Layla, I think she gets lonely sometimes,” She said looking to me and I knew that we would be walking out of here with another dog.
“She’s a lab though I don’t know whether they would be compatible,” I said trying to talk her out of it.
“Layla gets on well with any dog, she was fine with Jada, baby girl and Tiki, please Nicky, Dora needs a home,” she whined wrapping her arms around my waist.
“You’ve already named her?”
“Please, please.”
“Fine,” I relented making her squeal in delight.
“Ok we need another lead, dog bowl, bed, puppy food,” she reeled off another list as she made her way around the store throwing items into the basket I was carrying.
“Hey I only said yes to the dog not to this.”
“But she needs all this, puppies don’t come cheap Nicky,” she said throwing a few toys into the basket.
“Tell me about it.”
………………………………...............................................................................................
I heard her screech as I stepped on her tail.
“Layla,” I groaned as I nearly fell over. “Sorry I didn’t mean to step on your tail but if you didn’t get under my feet. You feeling left out huh?” I asked scooting down so I could pet her.
“What did you do?” Willow asked coming into the kitchen.
“Stepped on her tail,” I said still making a fuss over her.
“Poor baby, he’s a meanie huh?” she said lightly brushing Layla’s head with her hand as she walked passed to get a drink and then sat at the table.
“Where’s the pup?” I asked.
“She has a name Nick.”
“I refuse to call her Dora, it just reminds me of “Backpack Backpack yeah,” when I hear it.” I knew when I said that I had revealed too much and she cracked up laughing.
“Do you sneak down to watch it early in the morning when I’m still asleep?” She asked.
“Baylee used to like it,” I said, that was all that was ever on the TV on Brian’s bus during the Never Gone Tour.
“Yeah right, I bet you were begging Baylee to let you watch it,” she said peeling an orange.
“Whatever. So have you decided yet?” I asked as I sat on the counter top.
“Guitar please,” she said stuffing a segment in her mouth.
“Yeah I figured, you’ll be needed in rehearsal on Monday.”
“You guys don’t start till Tuesday,” she said.
“Band rehearse one day before us, you know that.”
“But I already know your songs, that’s just not fair,” she said throwing a piece of orange at me.
“Oh boo hoo, sucks to be you,” I said grinning at her as I put the orange in my mouth.
“Hey just because you’re my boss doesn’t mean you can talk to me like that, I can with hold on the sex you know,” she said raising her eyebrows at me.
“We’ve been through this and you should just admit that you’re a nympho baby, once you admit it you can start the healing process,” I said laughing.
“Healing process? What are you on?”
“So it’s a definite on the guitar?” I asked again.
“Affirmative,” she said saluting me.
“Your weird,” I said jumping off the counter, kneeing Layla in the head as I did
“Nick,” Willow nearly yelled.
“Sorry girl,” I said petting her again.
Chapter Forty One
It all happened in slow motion, one minute he was standing there in the middle of choreography and then I watched as he slipped, smacking his head hard against the corner of one of the speakers. I pulled the guitar strap over my head quickly and ran towards him Brian and Howie were already around him and Alex was on his phone.
“Is he okay?” I asked panicked kneeling down on the floor next to him. He was out cold and blood was pouring from his head. “Oh god Nick.”
“Nick? Nick?” Howie said shaking his shoulders lightly but there was no reply.
“Is he breathing?” I asked panicked my hands shaking.
“Sweetie he’s just knocked himself out that’s all, he’s going to be fine,” Brian said pulling me up from the floor so he could wrap an arm around me. “Alex has called for an ambulance but he’s going to be fine.”
“Your sure?” I asked.
“Nick’s got a hard head, he’ll be fine,” he replied.
“I think he’s coming out of it,” Howie said and I was by his side in a second.
“Baby? It’s me,” I said taking his hand as his eyes fluttered open. He mumbled in coherently bringing his hand up to touch his head, he was obviously in pain. “It’s okay sweetie just stay still the ambulance is on it’s way.”
………………………………...............................................................................................
“Willow?” I called holding out my hand and she took it giving it a squeeze.
“I’m here sweetie, your going to be fine.” I could hear her but I couldn’t see her because my head was strapped down and I had a neck brace on, apparently they were concerned about my neck. My neck wasn’t the problem, the throbbing pain in my head was. I couldn’t even remember what had happened, one minute I was rehearsing the next I was waking up on the floor with Howie looming over me.
“Mr Carter? I’m Doctor Nevins, I hear you’ve had a bit of a knock to the head,” she said leaning over to look at me.
“Just a slight one,” I said making her smile at me.
“Okay what I need to do is just check you over alright and I need to ask you a few questions. First I’m going to check your neck over so we can remove this brace alright. Now I need you to keep absolutely still for me, just let me do all the work and when I ask you a question just answer yes or no, don’t shake your head,” she said as she removed the brace from around my neck. She poked and prodded for a few minutes, asking me if it felt ok which it did. “Okay I think we can take this off then,” she said removing her hands and sitting the gurney up slightly so I wasn’t flat on my back. Although it felt better to sit up, it made the bleeding start again and I could feel it trickling down my neck. She quickly put on some gloves and took of the bandage wrapped around my head.
“That’s definitely going to need some sutures,” she said as she put a fresh bandage on and then sat on a stool beside my bed.
“So can you tell me what happened?” She asked.
“One minute I was standing the next I was waking up on the floor,” I admitted.
“We’re you there m’am?” She asked turning to Willow.
“It’s Willow, I think he just slipped and caught his head on the corner of an amp as he fell,” she said.
“So you slipped, you didn’t pass out?” She asked turning back to me.
“Yeah I think I just lost my footing.”
“And how long was he out for?” She asked turning back to Willow.
“About a minute, maybe a bit less,” she replied.
“Okay, you’ve not been sick?”
“No.”
“No nausea?”
“No.”
“Headache?”
“Yeah a bit of one,” I said sheepishly.
“Well with a gash like that I would be shocked if you didn’t,” she said noting things down on my chart.
“Any double vision?”
“No.”
“Okay follow my finger for me,” she said and I did as I was asked. “Okay how many fingers am I holding up?”
“Three,” I replied.
“Good, what day is it?”
“Thursday.”
“What state are you in?”
“Florida.”
“Last one, who’s this lovely lady sat over here?” she said pointing to Willow.
“Never seen her before in my life,” I joked making both of them laugh.
“I think it’s safe to say that there won’t be any permanent damage,” she said finishing what she was writing, “Just give me a few minutes and I’ll be back to stitch you up,” she said before she left.
“You okay baby?” She asked taking my hand and kissing it.
“Yeah I’m fine, just a klutz that’s all,” I said squeezing her hand.
“You scared me,” she admitted.
“It’s just a bump to the head, not like I overturned my car,” I said and she blushed.
“Yeah but I can’t remember that, you sure your fine?”
“Yes.”
………………………………...............................................................................................
He winced again as she stuck the needle into the wound so she could numb it before she started stitching and I could see it was really hurting him so I squeezed his hand.
“Sorry I know it’s not nice but its better than me trying to stitch without it being numb.”
“It’s okay don’t worry, ow,” he said as she jabbed him again.
“Sorry, all finished okay?” she said taking her gloves off, “That’s going to take about five minutes to work then I can start stitching you back together.”
He just nodded his head and then closed his eyes as he rested his head back, making more blood trickle from his wound.
“You sure your okay?” I asked him.
“Just a bit sleepy,” he said and I looked to the doctor and bit panicked.
“Being sleepy is fine, you’ve got a mild concussion. Are you going to be going home with him?” She asked and I nodded. “You’ll be staying over night?” She asked and I nodded again. “As long as you can wake him it’s fine for him to sleep, just every couple of hours give him a nudge. He might be a bit sleepy for the next couple of days and may have a headache as well, that’s all normal. If it persists for over a week, or you start seeing double, or vomiting then you need to come straight back in,” she said as put on a fresh pair of gloves after washing her hands and went to the task of sewing him up.
“I take it you can’t feel this,” she asked as she pulled the thread threw.
“Feel what?” he asked, his eyes still closed.
“That’s good, lidacane has worked.”
“Will it be okay for me to go back to work tomorrow?” he asked.
“I would leave it for a few days, your not really going to get a lot of sleep tonight what with Willow checking on you. You need a sick note?” She asked.
“No it’s fine.”
“You need to keep the wound clean and dry for five days, after that your free to wash your hair, I think I got most of the blood out of it when I cleaned your wound. The stitches are dissolvable so you don’t need to come back in to get them out. If you find the wound isn’t healing well, or starts to ooze puss or smell then come back and we can take a look.”
“Okay,” he said opening his eyes to smile at me.
“Well that’s stitch number six and I think your all set,” she said pulling of her gloves. “This just reitnetarates what I’ve said,” she said handing me a leaflet, “Any problems don’t hesitate to come back or give us a call,” she said getting up.
“Thanks,” he said to her as he got up from the gurney.
“No problem.”
“What about here?” I asked pointing to the picture on the screen of the laptop sat in front of me. She looked at it for a few seconds before screwing her nose up at it.
“Out in the open so the press could have a field day? Nick I want this to be about us, I don’t want pictures getting out, I don’t want to hear the constant clicking of a camera while I’m saying my vows,” she said going back to her laptop and clicking away.
“Then we are going to have to go underground or something,” I said exiting that webpage.
“Then maybe we shouldn’t bother,” she said closing her laptop and putting on the floor making me sigh.
“Don’t act like a two year old,” I said searching google.
“I’m not,” she replied, crossing her arms.
“If you were stood up you’d be stamping your feet.”
“No I wouldn’t.”
“You would,” I said looking to her out of the corner of my eye.
“Wouldn’t.”
“Would.”
“Wouldn’t.
“Would, would, would,” I said catching a hint of a smile from her.
“Wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t,” she retaliated, laughing slightly when she did.
“We’ll find somewhere okay?” I said wrapping my arm around her.
“I just want it to be perfect,” she said resting against me.
“I know you do and it will be, were just going to have to be patient. Ow,” I said as I stupidly ran my hands through my hair, tugging on the stitches that were there.
“You okay?” She asked as she looked up to me.
“Just pulled on a stitch.”
“Is your head okay? Not hurting anymore?” She asked sitting up so she could look at me.
“It’s fine, hey what about here?” I said bringing up a bigger image.
“It’s beautiful, but it’s outside,” she said.
“But it’s a resort, paparazzi wouldn’t be able to get near to take pictures and we could hire security, it’s close by and it’s on the beach.”
“It does look nice, and it is us, no harm in looking I suppose,” she said smiling brightly.
……………………………….............................................................................................
“Stop right there,” Brian said as we both walked hand in hand into the studio where we were rehearsing. We both stopped and looked at him questioningly, he started looking at the floor stamping on it on various places. “Okay floor is sturdy, no spills, and your shoe laces are tied, I think we’re safe guys,” he joked making Nick stick his tongue out.
“You okay Dude?” Jay asked walking over, handing him a bottle of water.
“Peachy,” he replied taking the bottle.
“Good cause we are now two days behind because of your sorry ass, so you better be ready to work.”
“Yeah I know, I know.”
“Are we doing a full run through?” I asked as I put my bag down and picked up the guitar so I could tune it.
“Yep, hopefully we’ll make it through a full one this time,” Howie joked.
“Your never going to forget this are you?” Nick asked and they all replied in unison.
“No.”
Chapter forty Three
“Is Willow okay?” Leigh asked sitting down next to me in the green room, concern in her brown eyes.
“She’s fine,” I tried to lie.
“I wanted to tell her first, on her own but Howie said that probably wasn’t a good idea to single her out like that, it might seem like I was gloating or something.”
“What? She wouldn’t think that,” I said looking to her.
“I know I just feel a bit guilty,” she admitted.
“Leigh you shouldn’t feel guilty about having a baby, you should be happy,” I said nudging her shoulder.
“I am but I’m just worried about her, she’s been really quiet through dinner and I don’t know whether to go and talk to her or whether that would make it worse.”
“She’ll be fine, she just needs some time to get used to it,” I said smiling at her.
………………………………...............................................................................................
“There you are,” Howie said walking out through the door and I quickly tried to stub out the cigarette I was smoking so he wouldn’t see but I wasn’t quick enough and he frowned at me. “Where did you get that?” He asked.
“Do you really need to ask?”
“Alex?” he asked and I shook my head yes. “Are you ok?”
“Fine,” I lied.
“You seem quiet, anything you want to talk about,” he said sitting down on the ground next to me.
“Just a bit tired that’s all, I can’t party like I used to.”
“You sure that’s all it is?” he asked and I shook my head yes. “So its got nothing to do with Leigh being pregnant?” He asked and I just kept quiet.
It had everything to do with their announcement today. I was so jealous. Was that wrong to be jealous of two friends who deserved happiness? But didn’t I deserve to be happy as well? Would this news have even bothered me if I could still have kids or was it that viscous cycle where you knew you couldn’t have so it made you want it even more? “Willow,” he prodded when I didn’t answer him.
“Maybe a little. I guess I’m a bit jealous, god that sounds so pathetic,” I said turning away from him.
“No it doesn’t,” he said rubbing my arm.
“I’ll be fine, really I will I just need a bit of time that’s all. Can you do me a favour?” I asked.
“Anything.”
“Can you please forget that you saw that cigarette? Nick will throw an epi if he knows I had one.”
“Then you better take one of these,” he said handing me a packet of mints and I smiled a thanks to him.
………………………………..........................................................................................
She rolled over and sighed and I knew she was still awake.
“Are you awake?” I asked anyway.
“No,” she joked.
“You alright?” I asked as she found her way back to me in the darkness so she could rest her head on my chest.
“Is it wrong for me to be jealous?” She asked playing with my hand that I had wrapped in hers.
“No,” I answered.
“I am happy for them I really am. I’ve already spoken to Howie about it and I am going to speak to Leigh tomorrow.”
“I’ve spoken to her, she understands. You want to talk to me about it?” I asked kissing her head.
“Nothing you haven’t heard before. I just keep thinking whether I would feel like I had to have one, if I knew there wouldn’t be a problem. Would it have even bothered me?”
“I don’t think it would have been much of an issue but I think you would have started ragging on me to think about it,” I answered honestly.
“Well seeing as you bought it up would you still consider adopting?” She asked moving so she could lean on her elbow to look at me.
“Of course.”
“I don’t mean like right this instant, I want a bit of time just being married.”
“Well I wasn’t thinking right this second either baby, maybe a year or something?”
“Yeah that sounds good. I love you,” she said leaning down to kiss me.
“I love you too.”
Chapter Forty Four
“We really should be doing something productive,” she said as she rested against my chest while we watched a movie.
“Like what?” I yawned. The twelve week lull had hit and I just couldn’t seem to wake up. It was the same on every tour, for the first month you were hyped about being back on the road again, about performing every night to a sell out audience but after a while the late nights and constant travelling did you in and all you wanted to do during the day was chill out, of course there wasn’t a lot else you could do when you were trapped on a bus, travelling at 70 down the highway.
“Well we have six months till we’re getting married and all we have so far is a date, a venue and who is going to be involved in the wedding party,” she said moving so she could rest on her elbows and look at me.
“Six months is loads of time,” I said rubbing my eyes.
“No it’s really not, we have loads to organise.”
“Like what?”
“Colour scheme,” she replied.
“Mustard Yellow,” I joked but she didn’t seem to see the funny side, “It was a joke.”
“What colour do you want?” She asked and I really didn’t care at that moment in time but I knew if I said that I would have hell to pay.
“Whatever colour you pick is fine with me,” I said but that was wrong as well.
“So pink is fine with you? Yeah I didn’t think so,” she said when I made a face, “I want your opinion, this is your wedding too you know,” she said.
“We should have a winter colour or a Christmas colour seeing as its in November.”
“What colour would that be?”
“Red is a Christmas colour,” I said but she scrunched up her nose.
“Red? I hear red I think street walker,” she admitted making me laugh.
“What colour do you want me to say?” I asked.
“I don’t know. Okay something else, we need to find a caterer, a cake, shit I should be writing this down,” she said jumping up so she could grab a notebook that was resting on the table. “Okay Cake, caterer, colour scheme, flowers, invitations, music, anything else?” She asked from where she was sitting.
“I think that’s enough for now,” I said standing up and stretching.
Three hours, two bowls of cereal and lots of cups of coffee later and we were far more advanced in our wedding plans. He had managed to convince me that red was the way forward, well we had compromised on a wine red colour, not street walker red. We had a emailed the resort’s caterers who were going to put together a list of the potential food we could have, and we were now looking at different cakes.
“Do we have to have fruit cake? Fruit cake is nasty,” he said looking up from his laptop, every time I saw him in glasses he made me melt. He very rarely wore them but where he had been sat staring at a computer screen his eyes had grown tired. “There just glasses Will,” he said noticing how my face must have changed.
“But they make you look sexy, I think you should wear them all the time,” I replied making him roll his eyes. “Fruit cake is traditional,” I said answering his question.
“It’s also tradition to get married in a church and we aren’t doing that, I say hell with tradition,” he said.
“Well what were you thinking?”
“Chocolate cake,” he said his eyes lighting up.
“I should be glad you didn’t say swiss roll shouldn’t I?
“Yes because swiss roll kicks ass.”
“Is there a chocolate cake on there?” I asked and he turned the laptop round so I could see. I had to admit it did look good and nearly everybody liked chocolate cake, there were going to be far more people liking that then there would be liking fruit cake. I was just about to agree when I saw another link of the page so I leant over and clicked on it.
“Now there is an idea I like,” I said turning the screen back to him.
“Yeah they look pretty cool, but how many would we need?” he said looking at the cupcakes.
“Well we would have to order them when we get the RSVP’s back and even then I would order a few more then we would need.”
“So we need to get the invites out then don’t we?” he said.
“Yep, I’ll email the company and ask when they would need the order for,” I said taking back the laptop.
“Hey you guysssssss,” Jay called through the bus.
“Sup dude,” Nick called back.
“Sound check started five minutes ago and we are missing two important pieces, Willow and her guitar,” he deadpanned making Nick punch him in the arm playfully.
“What? We can replace you, I’ll just call Aaron,” he said sitting down next to me. “Oh cake.”
“Does it look yummy?” I asked and he nodded.
“It does but we need to get moving,” he said pulling my arm but I bat him away.
“Two minutes I just need to send this email.”
“I’ll meet you in there babe,” Nick said taking off his glasses as he followed Jay off of the bus.
“Okay,” I called after him.
Chapter Forty Five
“You guys are both pansy’s,” I said as I was unclipped from my harness.
“It’s really high,” Brian said looking up.
“That was the best view of Sydney and you missed it,” I said walking over to them.
“I would rather look out from this part of the bridge,” Nick said as he was leaning on the raising watching the boats pass in the harbour.
“Losers. I can’t believe I’m the only one with a certificate that says I walked across the top of Sydney Harbour Bridge, you guys need to live a little.”
“Yeah I would like to continue living hence the reason I didn’t go up there,” Nick said taking the hand that I held out to him.
“Whatever, where are we going next?” I asked.
“Sound check,” Brian said and I groaned.
“This is a working holiday baby,” Nick reminded me.
“Yeah I know, I just wish we could see a bit more that’s all,” I said getting into the waiting car.
“Well maybe we should come back here on our honeymoon.”
“I think that is the best idea you’ve ever had,” I said kissing his cheek.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You all enjoying yourself?” Nick asked the crowd and got loads of screaming back in response. I pulled the guitar strap over my head and handed it to Jim ,the tech guy, who handed back a bottle of water which I graciously took. Half way through the show without enough time for a sip of water in this heat was just cruel. I chugged half the bottle and then listened to Nick and Brian finish what they were saying before I picked up the acoustic guitar and made my way across to the centre of the stage.
“Ladies and Gentlemen Willow,” Brian said as I smiled and took a seat on the centre stool.
“What are you going to play for us tonight?” Nick asked.
I started playing the opening chords of a popular song, I changed it every night so the guys had no idea what I was going to come out with, they would just have to go with the flow and try and sing along.
“Maybe if I act like that, that guy will call me back
Porno Paparazzi girl, I don't wanna be a stupid girl
Baby if I act like that, flipping my blond hair back
Push up my bra like that, I don't wanna be a stupid girl,” Jay sang while Nick shook his ass making the audience scream even louder.
“Okay another one,” Brian said.
I thought for a few seconds and then began to play, Howie was the first one to realise what the song was.
“It’s tearing up my heart when I’m with you,
But when we are apart I feel it too,
And no matter what I do I feel the pain,
With or with out you,” he sang while Nick did the dance to Bye, Bye, Bye.
“Wrong dance Nicky,” Jay said patting him on the back.
“I don’t know the dance to that one, and I can’t believe you played that you traitor,” he said turning to me. I just laughed and shrugged my shoulders at him.
“Now we are going to slow it down a bit, maybe get a bit romantic,” Brian said and then laughed when Nick looked at him with lusty eyes, blowing him kisses, “Stay away from me,” he said shoving him.
“Who are you now?
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow?
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you?
And when I'm looking back
How we were young and stupid
Do you remember that?
Baby
No matter how I fight it
Can't deny it
Just can't let you go
I still need you
I still care about you
Though everything's been said and done
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you.”
This was part of the show that I loved, it was raw and basic and really showcased their voices. The fans also liked how three songs were incorporated, this part of the sow being the most talked about in reviews, and on message boards.
“Baby you deserve much better
What's the use in holding on?
Dont you see its now or never
Cause I just can't be friends
Baby knowing in the end
That I will love you more than that
I won't say the words then take them back
Dont give loneliness’ a chance
Baby listen to me when I say.”
This part of the show was one of my favourites, it was simple and easy, just a mike and a guitar and a stool. Halfway through the show we definitely needed this, it was a chance to get a breather between all the up-tempo songs and dance routines that we had decided were needed. It also gave us a chance to try and connect with the audience, although that was quite difficult seeing that there were 40,000 people out there.
40,000! That still amazed me. 40,000 people were here to see us, it was completely mind blowing, they had spend there money and time to come and see the four of us, four ordinary people with extra ordinary lives when we were touring.
She looked over to me from where she was sitting and threw me a smile which I returned, I loved working with her, I think it was because she was here and had been in this business that she understood me. She knew the pressure of putting on a live show, or of recording an album but she also knew that there were more important things and could deflate me if I ever got to big for my boots, which had happened a lot in the past.
“Oooh, You've been holding on so longCause I'm by your side
When the whole world turns against you
Yeah Yeah
You can let go
Oooh, You've been holding on so long
Trying to make believe that nothings wrong
Not letting it show
There ain't nothing you can do
To make me turn away from you
I need you to know.”
I think another reason this was one of my favourite parts was because I loved this song, I loved how the audience would sing along, I loved band would kick in halfway through making the audience go wild, I loved the lyrics and most of all I loved singing it to her. She pointed out a few weeks ago that from the beginning to the end of the song I rarely made eye contact with the crowd, I was focused on her. It was true, I did, before it wasn’t a conscious thing, I just did it and I think it was due to the lyrics and all we had been through. It was like someone had read my mind and had been able to write a song about it. As the song ended she stuck her tongue out at me and then stood up so she could get ready for the next tune.
“Willow Abrams, everybody,” Jay said and she bowed before slapping his ass. “She’s a saucy little minx.”
Chapter Forty six
“You called?” Jay asked as I walked onto his bus where Brian was also sat.
“I need your help, and you as well,” I said to Brian as I dumped all my notebooks on the table. “It’s our forth anniversary in two weeks and I want to do something special. I have all this from when we were apart and from when we got back together and I want him to understand what was going through my head.”
“You want some help in writing some songs?” Brian asked understanding what I was talking about.
“Yeah and I also want to record them and put them on a CD.”
“You want to do that in Two weeks, when we are on a tour, which he is also on, and you want to be able to keep it a secret? Your fucking insane,” Jay said looking at me like I was crazy.
“We could do it, Couldn’t we?” I said looking between the two of them.
“We can certainly try,” Brian said opening one of my notebooks.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“You sure you’ll be okay to play tonight baby?” He asked concerned when I said I didn’t feel like going sight seeing with him Howie and Leigh because I had a headache.
“Yeah I’ll be fine, I just think it would be better if I stay here and chill out,” making Howie wink at me from behind Nick, I had managed to get him on it as well. I needed about four more hours to be able to record what was left.
“As long as your sure, call me if you want me to come back okay?” he said leaning down and kissing me.
“Will do, go and have a good time.” I said watching him leave. When I knew he was actually gone I picked up my cell phone and called Jay, “All clear.”
………………………………........................................................................................
“I'm not dead just floating
Underneath the ink of my tattoo
I've tried to hide my scars from you
I'm not scared just changing
Right beyond the cigarette and the devilish smile
You're my crack of sunlight,” I sang as I strummed the guitar.
“I hate you,” Jay said as I finished and I looked at him confused. “It comes so natural to you, you don’t even have to try,” he moaned making me smile when I realised it was a compliment.
“So you think he’ll like my idea?” I asked as I watched him connect the new IPOD I had bought Nick due to him dropping his old one down the stairs.
“Yep, I better get credit for helping you.”
“You will,” I said hugging him before I sat down next to him at the Laptop.
“I won’t hold my breath, I’m still waiting on a thank you for playing match maker,” he said lighting up a cigarette.
“What? You so did not set us up.”
“I’m not talking about setting you up, from the moment you saw each other there was an attraction there. I’m talking about kicking you both up the ass to actually get it together. If I hadn’t of pushed you to talk to him, or told him to fight for you then you would be two love sick little puppies who still refused to tell each other how you really felt. You certainly wouldn’t be celebrating your forth anniversary much less getting married,” he ranted.
“I have thanked you for that,” I said, “Haven’t I?” I asked not absolutely sure.
“Nope, don’t worry about it, I’m used to it now,” he said shrugging his shoulder jokingly.
“I swear I did. Oh well sorry then and thank you for helping me realise that he was all I ever wanted,” I said kissing his cheek.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“I cannot believe you did this,” She said looking at the picture of the Mini Convertible I bought her for our Anniversary.
“I wanted you to have it here for real but it just became to tricky, so it’s waiting for you at home,” I said after she gave me a kiss.
“Thank you baby I love it,” she said putting the picture and her card down on the table. “My present is just going to suck compared to that,” she said handing me two neatly wrapped gifts.
I tore into the paper of the first one and lifted the lid off the small box.
“Your bad,” I said to her when I saw the watch I had loved when we had been shopping in New York a few weeks ago, I really wanted to get it but I couldn’t justify spending that amount of money on it.
“I could tell you really loved it. And hey at least we spent about the same amount of money on each other,” she shrugged making me laugh.
“Thank you baby, I love it,” I said giving her a kiss as I put it on my wrist. “You shouldn’t have bought me anything else though,” I said when she handed me the other present.
“Oh this is more home made then anything,” she said winking at me.
“Wow you hand made an IPOD? That’s some skill, is it made from things that lie around the house?” I said after I had unwrapped it.
“It’s what’s on the IPOD that’s home made.”
I scrolled through the play list of about ten songs, noticing that they were all written by her from the track information that came up on the screen.
“Don’t listen to them now, Listen to them when I’m not around okay?” She said becoming a bit embarrassed.
“Alright,” I said giving her a kiss.
Willow’s CD of songs that she wrote for Nick.
Because you loved me - Celine Dion
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face - Leona Lewis Version
Trouble - Coldplay
A Warning Sign - Coldplay
You Have Stolen My Heart - Dashboard Confessionals
Finally Awake - Hoobastank
WOW - Kylie
I’m Not Dead - Pink
Chapter Forty Seven
I woke up from my light slumber and winced when I realised it was because my legs had gone to sleep as I was sat on them.
“I keep telling you not to do that,” he said looking over at me and I just mumbled something, I didn’t even know what I was trying to say. “What?” he asked.
“Nothing, how much longer till we land?” I asked stretching my arms out.
“Couple of hours,” he answered going back to what he was doodling on and I closed my eyes again but I knew that sleep wouldn’t come, especially when the person behind me kept pushing my seat. We were in business class so there was plenty of room for people to move around, this person was being an ass on purpose.
“Will you stop it?!” I groaned as I unclipped my seatbelt and knelt on the chair so I could look over at Jay.
“Erm, no,” he replied and went back to doing it again.
“Your thirty years old,” I reminded him.
“Age aint nothing but a number,” he began to sing and I had to laugh. “Willow I’m bored,” he whined.
“Yeah well I’ve just woken up so I’m not really up for entertaining you,” I said turning back round. I caught a glimpse of what Nick was drawing then, it was a characture of him and me.
“What are you doing baby? I asked looking at it more closely.
“Just working on an idea I had,” he said not taking his eyes off what he was doing.
“Care to share what that idea was?” I yawned.
“Invitation,” he replied.
“As in wedding invitation?” I asked and he nodded yes. “Let me see,” I said pulling his arm.
“It’s not done yet.”
“Please,” I whined and he relented picking it up and showing me it. It looked really good at the moment it was our heads with big cheesy grins, with the date along the bottom. “I love it,” I said.
“Yeah?” he asked.
“Yep, it’s great but you better get a move on if your going to draw two hundred in time,” I joked and he just rolled his eyes at me, “That was funny,” I said.
“Yeah, whatever,” he replied, “Only four months to go baby,” he said grabbing my hand.
“Don’t I still have so much to do and I don’t have a dress yet,” I replied.
“It’s all cool, you’ll meet your Mom tomorrow and you’ll find it,” he said.
“That’s easy for you to say, all you have to do is turn up in a suit.”
He turned away from me then, going back to what he was drawing singing lightly to himself. It took a few moments but I realised he was singing one of the songs I had written for him.
“You listened to it?” I asked.
“Yep, and I loved it even more because it was you singing them,” he said still concentrating on what he was doing.
“You didn’t think it was a corny idea?”
“No, I loved it and I love you,” he said leaning over to give me a quick peck.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“I hate it,” I shouted through the door to my Mom and scowled at the reflection of myself in the mirror.
“Just let me see,” She said but I was too quick and grabbed the handle before she could open the door.
“No I look like I’m about to give birth,” which was ironic seeing how I couldn’t have children. She relented and I removed the dress and began to put my regular clothes back on, jeans and a tank top that was what I was comfortable in, not some huge white dress which made me look like a meringue, I envied Nick, it was so easy for him all he had to do was get a suit and he already had a million of those, lucky bastard. Shoving my sunglasses on top of my head I exited the dressing room and met my Mom in the centre of the studio.
“Don’t look like that, you’ll find something,” she said.
“We’re not getting disheartened are we?” Matthew asked handing me another glass of wine.
“It’s hard not to when my wedding is three months away and I don’t have a dress, maybe I should just turn up in a bin liner,” I said feeling sorry for myself.
“I’m sure Nick wouldn’t care,” My Mom said and I glared at her, “What? He wouldn’t. Nick would be happy to get married in jeans and a football jersey,” she said and I knew what she said was true, he would get married in a baggy t-shirt n shorts if I let him.
“I am not Britney Spears, I am not getting married in sweats,” I said.
“I agree, that’s not the best look, even if it is comfortable. Right okay the first two haven’t worked, so I know you were kind of against a corset but I think we should try one, I think it’s going to really enhance your shape, it will pull you in at the waist, and will lift your boobs,” he said looking through the racks he had bought along to the hotel room with him.
“But I want to be able to breath and eat,” I whined.
“You will be able to, here try this,” he said handing me a corset.
“I think its missing something, unless I’m going to be walking up the isle in my underwear?”
“That’s the beauty of the corset, you can add whatever bottom you want to it,” he said as I walked into the bedroom again and then quickly walked back out, “ I think I am going to need some help,” I said and he laughed motioning for me to turn round as he did me up. “Jesus,” I said as he pulled me into it.
“It’s not that bad,” He said.
“Yeah your not wearing it.”
“Wow,” My Mom said when it was done up, “Your boobs look huge,” she said and I laughed.
“Really?” I asked.
“Yeah. That’s does look nice sweetie, it’s good at defining your shape.”
“Yeah but I really don’t want a two piece,” I said turning to Matt.
“It wouldn’t have to be a two piece, when we find what type of skirt you want I can make it all into a one piece,” he said rummaging through the rack again. “Now I really think we should avoid a train because of the sand issue, you could have as hoop but I think that may be a bit much.”
“What are you thinking then?” I asked as I tried to sit down and was pleasantly surprised as it was quite easy and comfortable.
“Well we could just use a bit of netting under the dress to give it more definition. We could go for the same material as the corset, or we could use a netting for the whole skirt but I would put some sequins on it. Try this on for a second,” he said handing me the skirt.
I pulled it on over my jeans and then realised that due to the corset it was going to be difficult to get the jeans off from under the skirt. I sighed, pulled the skirt off followed by my jeans, Matt was gay anyway.
“See I like that,” he said looking at me, “What do you think?” He asked turning to my Mom, when she didn’t say anything I looked in her direction and sure enough she was crying. “It passes the Mom test so I think we have a keeper,” he said handing her a box of tissues which she gladly accepted.
“Why are you crying?” I asked as she stood up to get a better look.
“Because you look gorgeous and I never thought I was going to see this day last year,” she said pulling me into a hug.
“So this is a keeper then?” I asked her and she nodded. “Okay so we have the dress,” I said as I looked in the mirror.
“Right, colour?” Matt asked.
“Aren’t they supposed to be white?” I winked at him.
“There are different shades of white. I was also thinking of having something in there that was the same colour as your bridesmaids, then again you said you were going for wine red didn’t you?” he asked and I nodded,” I think on ivory that might look too much. Have you ordered your flowers yet?” He asked and I shook my head no. “I think what you should do is have your bouquet in the colours of your bridesmaids dresses, and then they could all have ivory in theirs,” he suggested and I liked it.
“Yeah that sounds good.”
“Now I am going to put some sequins of the skirt, I’m thinking we could do with some on the corset as well. I don’t want to put too many on because I think that would take away from the skirt, so how about a band along the top? That will also draw people to your boobs,” he said.
“I don’t think many people are going to miss them,” I joked looking down at them.
“So all that sounds good?” He asked and I shook my head. “Great what I will do is do a few sketches so that you definitely know what I mean and send them to you, is email ok? He can’t get into your account?”
“Email is great,” I said.
“I’ll do that over the next few days and then we’ll get you back for the first fitting next month, are you okay with coming back to New York or do you want me to come to Florida?” He asked.
“No New York is fine, thank you so much Matt.”
“No Problem.”
Chapter Forty Eight
“Yeah three o’clock is fine, I yeah I have to go,” He said into the phone when he noticed me. He hung up quickly, looking like he had been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Who was that?” I asked as I placed my bag on the kitchen counter and went to the fridge to grab a bottle of water.
“Nobody,” he said avoiding eye contact with me, a sure sign he was lying.
“So you were talking to yourself? Who was it?” I probed again.
“It doesn’t matter who it was, do I ask you every time you get off the phone?” He asked becoming slightly defensive.
“There’s no need to bite my head off, I was just asking,” I said sitting down at the breakfast bar.
“Well don’t,” he snarled as he walked out of the room leaving me slightly shocked at his outburst, shocked and also a bit pissed off. I sat there for a few more seconds, picking at the label on the bottle before I got up to look for him.
I didn’t have to go far, he was sat clicking away on his laptop in the living room, chewing on his bottom lip.
“Sorry I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that,” he apologised when I sat down next to him.
“I shouldn’t have been nosey,” I said flicking on the TV with the remote. “You ok?” I asked leaning my head on his shoulder.
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” he asked.
“You just seem on edge that’s all, your not getting cold feet on me Carter are you?” I asked only half joking.
“Course I’m not,” he said finally looking at me.
“Good because I have spent to much energy on planning this wedding, what are you looking at?” I asked noticing the website he was on.
“It’s a realtor that Kevin’s used in the past,” he said clicking on a link.
“A realtor? Why do you need a realtor?”
“I just thought it would be nice to move somewhere new. You know we’re getting married and I just thought it would be nice to move into a house where both our names could be on the deed,” he said clicking off the link.
“I like that idea, so are we thinking around here or what?” I asked.
“Definitely Florida, the whole LA scene just isn’t me and everyone we know is here, unless you want to go somewhere different?” He asked putting his feet up on the coffee table.
“No definitely here. Hey what about that one?” I said pointing to the screen when he was quickly scrolling through.
“Your not serious?” He asked perplexed.
“Why not?” I asked.
“That’s like next door to Aaron, I love him dearly but I nearly killed him when we lived together for six weeks, I couldn’t live next door to him permanently,” he said.
“Okay,” I relented, “Well why don’t you give her a phone call and set up a meeting,” I said and he nodded his head as I went back to watching the TV.
Chapter forty Nine
I knew from the look on her face that she was pissed off at me and when she wouldn’t hold my hand as we were walking around the grounds of the resort where we were going to get married I knew that I had annoyed her by being late.
“Are you going to write your own vows?” Suzanne asked.
“That’s the plan,” Willow answered. I still had no idea what I was going to put in mine, I wanted it to be from the heart but I didn’t want to sound stupid or corny.
“That’s fine just so we know, now if you follow me we can look at the seating arrangement and make sure that is all ok,” she said as she walked ahead of us.
“Sorry I was a little late,” I said.
“A little late? Forty five minutes is not a little late,” she hissed quietly pulling away from me again when I went to grab her hand.
“I said I was sorry,” I replied.
“Just leave it, we’ll talk about it later,” she said as she turned to Suzanne and smiled sweetly when we reached the reception hall.
………………………………..............................................................................................
“Are you going to stay pissed at me all day now?” I asked when we were back in the car. She had be quiet towards me since I had turned up late, only turning to me when my opinion was needed and even then I could tell she didn’t really want to ask. She remained quiet. “So I’m getting the silent treatment?”
“The silent treatment is a lot better than what I want to say to you at the moment,” she said as she just stared out of her window.
“Well I want to hear what you have to say,” I said making a left.
“You’ll hear soon enough, I just want to go and see Kev and Kris before I get into this with you,” she said as I pulled into their driveway and she was out of the car before I even turned off the engine.
“I see your in the dog house, whatever it is you’ve disagreed on about the wedding just go to her and say you were wrong trust me makes life a lot easier,” Kevin said when I walked through the door.
“I was late for a meeting,” I said walking into the kitchen.
“School boy error Nicky,” he said hitting me on the back.
“Yeah I know, uh no I’ll have a soda please,” I said answering Kristin when she asked if I wanted a beer.
“Where is my godson? I want to see him walking,” Willow said looking around.
“He’s napping but he should be up soon,” Kris said handing me my drink. “You guys all ready for the big day now?” She asked.
“One of us is,” Willow answered sarcastically and I was just about to open my mouth when Kevin swooped in.
“Hey Nick, I need your advice on a track, we’ll be in the basement,” he said pulling my arm.
“Okay what’s going on with you guys?” Kris asked when they had both left.
“I think he’s getting cold feet,” I answered honestly.
“What makes you think that?” She asked sitting across from me at the kitchen table.
“He’s just being really distant, he’s been late for two appointments about the wedding, I don’t think he wants to marry me Kris, I think he did it because he felt he had to and now he’s regretting it.”
“Your talking shit he wants to marry you. Your just over analysing stuff that’s all, Nick never shows up on time for anything, they think the world runs on backstreet time,” she replied taking a sip from her drink.
“So this is all in my head?” I asked.
“Your stressed out about the wedding, this is all normal sweetie,” She said her head turning when she heard Mason’s cry on the baby monitor, “Someone’s awake, come on lets go and get him,” she said pulling my arm so I would follow her.
“mamamamama.”
“I know your awake. Look whose here Mas,” she said pulling him out of his crib when we reached his room. It was unbelievable how much he looked like Kevin, the dark hair and the amazing green eyes.
“Hey gorgeous, you going to come here for a hug?” I asked holding my arms out for him. He snuggled in close when I took him from Kris and then followed her downstairs. “You’ve grown again sweetie,” I said bouncing him on my knee while he woke up properly.
“It’s hard to believe that this time last year he was still tiny,” Kris said handing him some juice.
“I know. You going to show me what a big boy you are now?” I said setting him down on the floor. He stood up and took a few wobbly steps before he fell on his butt. “Wow your such a clever boy,” I said clapping my hands as he got up and tried again.
“Are you going to come to Nick Mason?” He asked when he walked into the room and crouched down. It took a few tumbles but he finally made it and Nick scooped him up in the air making Mason giggle. “You so clever,” he said bouncing him a bit making him laugh even more.
“Mason? what’s this?” Kevin said handing him a gift bag. “Give it to Aunty Willow,” Kevin prompted when he began to suck on the handle. Nick walked over and handed me Mason.
“Are you going to help me?” I asked pulling out one of the presents and tearing the paper. “Aww thank you sweetie,” I said when I took out the picture of me and Mason.
“Happy early birthday,” Kristin said handing me a card, “We had no idea what to get you and I know how much I needed to relax before the wedding,” she said explaining the gift certificate for a spa day.
“Thank you I am definitely going to cash this in ASAP,” I said making her laugh.
“You guys looking forward to the Bahamas?” Nick asked setting Mason down on the floor so he could play.
“Oh yeah,” Kevin replied.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“I’m sorry I was nasty earlier, I shouldn’t have snapped at you I guess I’m just a bit stressed out,” I said when we pulled out of Kevin and Kristin’s drive.
“I should have made sure I was on time, or I should have called you to let you know I was going to be late,” he said putting his hand on top of my one that I had rested on his thigh.
“So we’re good now?” I asked and he turned to me smiling.
“Of course.”
“So where were you?” I asked and he moved his hand from mine.
“I uh, stuck in traffic, and I dropped a CD to Beej and got stuck in traffic coming back,” he said avoiding eye contact with me. He was fidgety too and that was a sure sign that he was lying. It was then I realised that he smelt like a perfume that I didn’t own.
Chapter Fifty
I looked at my watch and grimaced I was three hours late and I knew this was going to be difficult to explain, I needed to get to a shower before she could smell the perfume on me, or at least cover it up with some after shave, hopefully she would be in the kitchen and I could make an excuse of needing the bathroom before I saw her.
I realised as I opened the door that I had no such luck, she was sat on the stairs, in the dark and she was pissed.
“Sorry I know I’m late,” I said throwing my keys into the bowl beside the door. She stayed silent, shit this was going to be bad. I looked at her for a minute and then walked into the kitchen.
“You’re just going to walk away without an explanation?” She exploded following me into the kitchen and then I snapped.
“Sorry I forgot that’s your speciality isn’t it? How many months did you leave me hanging or have you conveniently forgot about that?” I asked and she recoiled like I had hit her.
“That was different and you know it,” she almost whispered. “Four times Nick, four times in the past month you’ve left me hanging on appointments we were supposed to go to together. Do you know embarrassing that is?”
“I lost track of time, I was round Kevin’s,” I said.
“Kevin’s?” She asked and I nodded. “I thought they were still in the Bahamas?” SHIT!
“I realised when I got there so I played golf with Alex,” I said thinking on my feet as I went to the refrigerator to get a soda.
“Don’t lie to me,” she hissed.
“I’m not,” I said turning to her and it only registered that she had slapped me when I felt the burning sensations across my cheek and I stood their stunned.
I felt the burning in my hand and saw my hand print across his face and instantly felt sick. I had no idea what had driven me to do that, I had never hit anyone in my life and if felt hot tears burning my eyes.
“I was with Alex,” He said again as he bought his hand up to rub his cheek and instantly any remorse I felt was replaced with anger again.
“No you weren’t because I called him and he left here ten minutes before you got home Nick,” I screamed as I turned and walked away from him and stormed into the bedroom.
I some how knew exactly what she was doing. I found her in our room a suitcase on the bed and she was wildly throwing her clothes in to it.
“Willow stop,” I said grabbing her but she wriggled free and continued packing.
“You bastard Nick I trusted you, you know what its my own fault I knew what you were like before I got into a relationship with you, but well done you’ve managed four years of being in one relationship,” she said angrily hiccupping her tears back.
“You think I’m having an affair?” I asked.
“Don’t fucking insult me Nick its pretty damn obvious now, I don’t know what more I expected you’ve never been able to commit to anything,” she yelled throwing clothes in to the case in an untidy heap, occasionally stopping to wipe the tears that flowed from her eyes. “You come home late, you make excuses that don’t make sense, you reek of perfume that’s not mine… you… you I can’t believe you would do this too me when a year ago you had the choice of not being with me anyway,” she said walking into the bathroom to gather the stuff in there.
“You think that little of me?” I asked when she reappeared and she just glared at me. “So you’re not going to give me a chance to explain things?”
“Why should I? You’ll only lie your way out of it,” she snapped and then so did I and threw the suitcase across the room, knocking a lamp off a cabinet which went crashing to floor. She froze for a moment and then ran out of the room; I heard her grab a set of keys but didn’t move till I heard her tare out of the driveway.
Great, just fucking great.
………………………………...............................................................................................
I knew this relationship was going to come back and bite me in the ass. Apparently there were things Nick had been keeping from me but it wasn’t what I thought according to Chris and now as well as throttling Nick I wanted to do that to him too.
“What do you mean you can’t tell her?” Autumn yelled at him when he said it was up to Nick to tell me.
“Because he trusted me with it and I’m his best friend.”
“Yeah well she is my best friend Chris so tell her, for fuck sake she is his fiancé,” she yelled as she paced the room but he remained calm and ignored her turning to me instead.
“Look I promise you he isn’t seeing anybody else, he’s not that good of a liar and this is nothing sinister but he’s my friend and I cant break that trust, if it was the other way round I know you wouldn’t tell me stuff she asked you to keep secret,” he said and I nodded because I did understand.
“Who is she, the cats fucking mother?” Autumn asked still visibly angry at Chris.
“I know your right Chris but what am I supposed to think? Every time he’s on the phone and I walk in he hangs up, he’s secretive, he’s not himself…”
“He is not sleeping with anyone else Willow, is he at home?” He asked standing up.
“That’s where I left him after he threw the suitcase across the room,” I said
“He hurt you? I’ll fucking kill him,” Autumn yelled seething.
“Will you shut up shouting? He didn’t hurt me, he was angry and…”
“I’ll go talk to him,” Chris said as he left the apartment and we sat in silence for a few minutes.
“I hit him Autumn, slapped him across the face,” I said still shocked at what I had done.
“Sounds like he deserved it,” she said sitting next to me.
“If what Chris says is true then he didn’t. How am I going to put that right?” I asked and she looked at me but said nothing.
………………………………..........................................................................................
“In here,” I yelled when I heard Chris call my name. I turned back to the suitcase and carried on putting her clothes back where they were before she started packing.
“Dude you have to tell her, this has gotten way out of hand,” he said as he walked into the room.
“I know, so she still doesn’t know? You didn’t tell her?” I asked.
“Not my place but I told her you weren’t sleeping around,” he said as he sat down on the love seat in the room.
“Thanks I think, will it be safe for me to go to yours considering Autumn has probably got a plot to kill me?”
“I think if you come back Willow will meet you outside. She wants to know what’s going on. She was angry earlier and your crap lies pissed her off even more dude.
Chapter Fifty one
I heard the passenger side door open and looked across at her when she slid into the seat next to me. I looked into my mirror to check there was nobody behind me and then pulled out into the road.
“I’m sorry I got angry but you wouldn’t listen to me,” I said but she didn’t look at me or say anything so I kept quiet and drove to the nearest restaurant which happened to be Koi. She finally looked at me when we stopped with questioning eyes. “Neutral ground and I’m starving,” I said getting out and giving the valet the keys.
This has been the last place I had expected to come but I understood why, he knew here I wouldn’t make a scene, we wouldn’t scream at each other, it would be civil. I just hated that once again all the paparazzi were going to get photos of us but it didn’t seem to bother him as we walked past them and into the restaurant.
Even after we ordered it was strained and when I glanced over to him I could see a small bruise starting to form on his cheek that would be all over the internet tomorrow.
“I’m sorry about your face,” I said, “I don’t know why I did that,” but he just shrugged it off, like it was normal and I guess it was for him and how he grew up, he had told me more than once that he had seen his mom hit his dad.
“I swear to god I’m not sleeping with anyone else Will, I wouldn’t do that to you, but I… I know I have some explaining to do.”
“Then tell me what you’ve been doing, why you’ve been so flaky on me,” I asked. He was about to answer when we were interrupted by Aaron and Angel.
“Hey guys mind if we join you?” Aaron asked sitting down on the spare chair and I inwardly sighed.
“Actually yeah I do mind,” Nick answered. “We’ve got some stuff that we need to talk about in private guys, any other night and you know it would be cool but just not tonight okay?” He said making Angel frown.
“Everything alright?” She asked me and I nodded and then she looked back to Nick, noticing the bruise on his face. “What happened to you?” She asked.
“Nothing, look I’ll call you guys later, your coming round tomorrow anyway right?” He asked.
“Yeah, come on sis,” Aaron said puling at her arm.
“See you tomorrow,” I called after them.
“So,” he said looking back to me.
“So,” I echoed. He was quiet for a few seconds, playing aimlessly with the napkin in front of him.
“I’ve uh…I’ve been seeing my Mom,” he finally said looking up to me.
“Oh,” was all I could say because that had never even crossed my mind.
“Yeah…”
“God now I feel so stupid, why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
“Because I didn’t know how it was going to turn out, I didn’t want people telling me I told you so if she stabbed me in the back again,” he said softly avoiding eye contact with me.
“I’d never do that,” I said taking his hand in mine and squeezing it. This all finally made sense, why he had been moody and distant, Jane always did that to him. She knew how to shatter his confidence and make him question everything. “How’s it been going?” I asked.
“Good. We’ve actually been going to family counselling together and I’ve finally been able to tell her how I really feel. I know I shouldn’t have hidden it from you but I… I don’t know am I just giving her another chance to stab me in the back?” I asked looking up to her.
“I’d like to think that everybody has the chance to change and maybe this time she will. The counselling sounds like a really good idea, maybe what you’ve said to her has made her understand how you feel.”
“I’ve told her this is it, this is the last chance, I don’t want to go through my life fighting with her all the time,” I said playing with the napkin again.
“What did she say to that?” She asked taking a sip of her water.
“Not a lot really which surprised me. Do you think that was too harsh to say that?” I asked.
“No I don’t, she needs to know that she cant screw around with your life anymore, I just wish you had come to me about this before Nicky,” she said leaning forward to stoke my cheek and I winced slightly when her hand brushed against the sensitive skin of the bruise that was forming. “Sorry,” she whispered taking her hand away.
“It’s okay,” I said.
“No it’s really not. I had no right to do that no matter how angry I was,” she said and I just shrugged, “ Why aren’t you angry with me Nick?” She asked and I shrugged again. “ I hit you and your acting like its normal,” she said.
“I grew up around it I guess.”
“You don’t hate me?” She asked.
“No I don’t hate you, I fucking love you,” I said bringing her hand up to my mouth so I could kiss it.
“I love you to Carter,” She smiled back.
“You better your marrying me Abrams,” I smiled back to her.
“Then you’ll have to call me Carter,” she said her smiling widening.
“Would you mind if my mom came to the wedding?” I asked.
“She’s your mother Nick of course I don’t mind, she should be there.”
“I guess I’ll have to sit her and pops down and get them to agree to be civil towards each other,” I said sighing.
“We’ll do it together,” I said squeezing his hand before I smiled a thank you to the waiter who bought us our dinner.
Chapter Fifty Two
She looked at me with confused eyes when I turned left instead of right at the lights.
“Where are we going?” She asked.
“Home.”
“Home is in that direction,” she said pointing out the window.
“So I’m taking a scenic route is that alright?” I said turning again.
“Your up to something,” she said looking at me.
“No I’m not.”
“When your up to something your lips curve up into a sly smile, you seem to forget how many pranks I planned with you,” she said looking to me out of the corner of her eye.
“We’ve not planned anything in ages,” I said changing the subject.
“That’s because we are now mature adults,” she said, “well one of us is.”
“That’s mean,” I said after I had stuck my tongue out at her.
“TUNE!” She yelled turning up the radio as she started to sing along. “Mama, just killed a man, Put a gun against his head, Pulled my trigger, now he’s dead, Mama, life had just begun, But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away-Mama ooo, Didn’t mean to make you cry- If I’m not back again this time tomorrow- Carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters.”
I sat and laughed at her as she added her won actions to the song, belting it from the top of her lungs. It was coming up to the big central verse of the song, the part that was always so much to sing on karaoke when you were tanked.
“But I’m just a poor boy and nobody loves me-
He’s just a poor boy from a poor family-
Spare him his life from this monstrosity-
Easy come easy go-,will you let me go-
Bismillah! no-,we will not let you go-let him go-
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let him go
Bismillah! we will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go-let me go
Will not let you go let me go
No,no,no,no,no,no,no-
Mama mia,mama mia,mama mia let me go-
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me,for me,for me,” she yelled and then began to wildly play air guitar. When I first met her she had been teaching herself to play this rift and now she had it down pat. It was one of her favourites to play at sound check and always got everyone energised and happy no matter how tired they had been.
“That’s the best song ever,” she said as it ended and I pulled to a stop, thankful that the song had kept her occupied. “Why have we stopped?” She asked.
“Because we’re home,” I said taking the keys out of the ignition.
“No we’re, oh my god you didn’t?” She asked as everything falling into place when she saw what was in front of us.
“Escrow closed at five, Happy birthday baby,” I said leaning over to kiss her.
“My birthday is tomorrow,” she said when she finally pulled back.
“My watch says that its twelve o two,” I said.
“But you hated this place, you said it was too much work,” She said as she got out of the car and walked towards the empty house. It did need a lot of work, at the moment it was basically a shell, and it only had one floor, it was probably as big as the apartment that we were currently living in. The surroundings were amazing though, so much land came with this property it was unbelievable, there was also a really nice woodland area with a huge lake not five minutes away, which would be perfect for walking the dogs.
“I figured we could renovate it, design it how we want it and I know how much you loved it here,” he said taking my hand in his as we walked up to the front porch.
“I do. I really wasn’t expecting this you had me fooled,” I said leaning up to kiss his cheek.
“I can keep a secret when I need to,” he said walking up the steps.
“There is no denying that,” I said looking through the window, turning quickly when I heard a huge crash and him yell. This place DID need a lot of work, I started laughing to myself and couldn’t move to help him up because the laughter had grown so hard.
“Thanks for your concern,” he grumbled puling himself up off the floor and dusting himself off. “Damn porch swing,” he said kicking it with his foot.
“Aww poor baby, did you hurt your butt?” I said wrapping my arms around his waist.
“Yeah. I can tell this place is going to be more trouble than it’s worth,” he said looking it over.
“But I love it and I love you and all you really need is love.”
“Yeah cause who needs oxygen, or food?” he said raising his eyebrows up at me sceptically.
“You know what I mean,” I scowled at him playfully when he ruined the moment, “So when are we m moving in?” I asked.
“When the building work is complete, there is no way I am moving in now,” he said pulling the keys out of his pocket and putting them in the lock of the door. The inside was no better than the outside, it was completely bare, not a stitch of furniture anywhere, the wallpaper was peeling from the walls and there was a smell of damp, the light even flickered and threatened to go out when he flicked the switch.
“Are we totally in over our heads?” I asked turning to him when we walked through the small living room and into the even smaller kitchen.
“Yeah probably, if worse comes to worse we could always bulldose this and start again,” he said shrugging his shoulders as I hopped up onto one of the work surfaces only to have it crash to the ground a few seconds later.
Now that was what you called poetic justice and I was just about to tell her that when I saw a real look of pain cross her face and realised that she had really hurt herself.
“You okay?” I asked crouching down to her but she remained quiet with her eyes closed taking short shallow breathes. “Willow?” I asked again.
“Yeah can you help me up?” She said putting her hand out to me which I took so I could pull her up. Her crying out in pain made me stop quickly though, “I’m calling an ambulance,” I said reaching into my pocket to pull out my cell.
“No, no I’ll be fine in a minute,” she said trying to push herself up. I could tell she was in agony but she was trying to hide it and when I saw the tear escape her eye I crouched down to her level.
“I’m calling an ambulance, you can barely move,” I said stroking her cheek as I dialled.
“That’s what I’m scared about,” she sighed as she closed her eyes and breathed through her pain not seeing the look of worry that had crossed my face sharing her fear that she may have done some real damage.