Aj groaned as he rolled over and picked up the phone."Hello." His
voice was rough with sleep and he regretted how harsh his voice
sounded. He heard the sound of someone crying on the phone and knew
it was Ashley."Ash what's wrong?" He sat up in bed as he rubbed the
sleep from his eyes.

"I-" She started but a sob ripped through her words.

"Ash, you're scaring me." He was wide awake now.

"I think I messed up." Her voice was almost inaudible.

He threw his legs over the side of the bed and pulled his jeans up
his legs as he spoke,"Why Ash? What happened." He was out his
bedroom door before she answered.

"I wanted it to end." That made him stop mid-step on the stairs.

"You wanted what to end?" He knew the answer to the question
but he needed to know the answer. He grabbed his keys and ran toward
the garage as he listened to her.

"Me. I wanted me to end."

"No Ash. What did you do?" He grimaced as the garage door rose
too slow."Ash talk to me."

"I cut myself." She sobbed as she spoke and he didn't know if he
was imagining it or if her voice seemed weaker than it did when she first
called.

"Ashley baby, how bad?" Aj's tires squealed onto the asphalt as he
pulled out onto the street.

"There is a lot of blood. I didn't think there would be this much."
Aj's heart broke as he heard the awe in her voice, knowing she was in a
different place mentally."I didn't mean to leave this much mess."

"Ash, why did you do this?" He knew it was the wrong thing to ask
but he had to try. He had to know why she couldn't pull herself out of
this depression she had been in.

"I wanted it to stop. All the pain, all the agony. I can't handle it
anymore." As she spoke, he heard her moving around.

"Stop Ashley! Stay where you are. I'm almost there." He flipped off
the driver in the car behind him as he swerved into the other lane. He
slammed on his brakes as he neared her road."Talk to me Ash. I'm
almost there."

"I'm right here. I didn't want you to see me. That's not why I
called." When she spoke he knew he wasn't imagining it, her voice was
weaker. He sent a silent prayer heavenward as he turned into driveway.

"I'm here baby. I'm coming in." He opened the front door and
called her name through her house.

"I'm in the bathroom."

"Which one." He ran through the living room as he waited for her
answer.

"Upstairs."

He cut to the left and headed for the front stairs. He climbed the
stairs two at a time and skidded to a stop on the wood floor in front of
the bathroom door.

"Ashley." He pushed open the door and stared at the room in front
of him as he took in the horror in front of him.

He stared down at the white tile floor. The red stood out against
the bland color starkly. It was such a difference that he found himself
transfixed by the colors until he inhaled and instantly fought the urge to
gag. The smell of blood, sweet and metallic, brought him back to the
present. He looked further into the room and saw her slumped against
the wall her head lulled to the side. If he hadn't seen her inhale he would
have thought she was already gone.

"Ashley." He stepped into the room. He felt the blood beneath his
feet, knowing then that he had forgotten his shoes , but also unable to
think about it. He couldn't think of it as her blood. He went to his knees
beside her,"Baby. I'm calling help."

"No. Just let me go."

"No." He flipped open his phone and dialed 911. He watched her
as he spoke to the operator."Ashley stay with me." His was panicked as
her eyes drifted closed."I don't know where she cut herself." He said
into the phone. She rolled her arm over and showed him she had cut
herself in the bend of her left arm."In the bend of her arm." He fought
back tears as he watched Ashley's breathing change from slow and quiet
to rapid and noisy and knew that if help didn't get there soon she would
be gone. He grabbed a towel from the shelf above him and put it against
her arm. He knew his prayer had been answered in that she hadn't slit
both arms."Ash did you take any medicine?" He repeated the question
the operator had asked him. When she shook her head, he sighed and
relayed the answer."They are on their way baby. Stay with me." He
whispered pushing the hair out of her face with is free hand. He stared
down into her eyes as she looked up at him. He could swear he was able
to see into the deepest parts of her soul and knew he would never be the
same after tonight. There were so many things he wanted to tell her, but
he said nothing.

He realized that the ambulance had arrived when the EMTs pulled
him from in front of her. He watched in stunned silence as they lifted her
lifeless body from the floor to the stretcher. Tears inched their way
down his face as he watched them preform CPR on her as they pushed
her out of the room and down the hallway.

He blinked and stared up at Nick as he came into his field of
vision."J?" Nick knelt in front of his friend taken aback by the blood on
his feet and the knees of his jeans.

"How did you get here?" Aj's voice sounded foreign, unreal.

"Dude. You called me." Concern colored Nick's face as he stared at
Aj."Don't you remember?" Aj shook his head numbly. He stared at Nick
as he started to pull him off the floor."Come on man. We gotta go."

"Where is she?"

"She's on the way to the hospital. Come on." Nick pulled him
gently from the room never letting go of AJ's arm. Aj followed Nick out of
the house blindly. He stared out the window as Nick called his wife. He
listened as Nick asked her to go and get AJ a change of clothes and some
shoes. Aj noticed then for the first time his jeans and his feet. He felt the
haze lift as he stared down at his pants. When his vision blurred he
realized that he was crying and felt the wave of anguish wash over him.

"Is she alive?" Aj's voice was quiet.

"She was when they left." Nick voice was soft, but AJ knew he
wasn't telling him everything. He had seen how her body had looked
when they lifted her. He knew she was nearly gone then.

Aj climbed from the car before it was in park and ran into the
emergency room entrance.

"Can I help you?" the nurse asked as he came to a stop at the desk.

"I'm here for Ashley Coates." Aj saw Nick as he came to stand
beside him.

"I'll buzz you in." She pressed a button and the door swung open.
"They will direct you to the correct room."

Aj and Nick entered the room but needed no help to find Ashley.
The far end of the room was in a frantic uproar. Aj knew without asking
that they were working on her trying to keep her alive. But he knew she
wasn't fighting with them. He had seen it in her eyes. She was done. She
had given up. Aj stood there frozen as he watched them work on her. He
would swear later that he felt it when she left, the world suddenly felt
colder, harsher. He watched as the doctors slowly began to slow, and
move away from her. He started walking toward her room as the final
doctor left the room. He watched as the nurse pulled the sheet over her
body. He felt his body give way and he sank to the floor outside her
door.

Nick, Brian and Howie walked along side AJ as they left the funeral
service. Brian and Nick shared a look over his head as they grabbed his
arms before he fell to the ground. They loaded him into the
back of Nick's truck and pulled from the cemetery.

"Has he said anything?" Howie asked as they sat in AJ's dining
room.

"Not much." Nick replied with a sigh."I don't know what to do."

"He's got to have time to get over it." Brian replied.

"He's had almost a week. It's getting worse."

"It takes more than a week to get over something like this." Howie
smiled trying to be reassuring.

"I know man. I saw what happened. I'm just worried about him.
It's just so unlike him." Nick sighed and looked toward the stairs in the
living room. He leaned forward on the table and propped on his elbows,
"I'm scared to leave him alone."

Howie and Brian looked at Nick in shock,"Seriously?" Howie
spoke first. When Nick nodded Howie sighed sadly."We will take turns
with him. I'm sorry that I haven't been around much."

"I know. You have Leigh and the baby on the way." He turned to
Brian before he could speak,"You have Bailey and Leigh. Don't worry."

"I'm so sorry." Brian whispered as he looked down at the table.

"It's alright." Nick replied with a weak smile.

They all looked up as the doorbell rang. Nick stood from the table
and made his way toward the front door.

"Yes?" Nick asked the plain clothed cop who stood on Aj's stoop.

"Is Mr. McLean available?"

"No, he's not. Is there anything I can help you with?" Nick replied
as he crossed his arms.

"This was in Ms. Coates belongings at the hospital. We believe it
was in her pocket. Can you make sure he gets this?"

"Yes I will. Thank you." Nick took the envelope and closed the
door. He cringed as he saw the dried blood on the right corner of the
envelope.

"What was it?" Brian asked as he joined Nick in the foyer. Nick
looked up at Brian and then at Howie as he entered the room.

"It was a cop. He said Ashley had this with her at the hospital."

"What do you think it says?"

"I don't know. It's been opened." Nick lifted the flap but didn't pull
the folder paper out.

"Do you think it's best to show that to him now?" Howie's voice
was soft with concern.

"Show me what?"

"A letter." Nick didn't know what was best but he knew he would
want to see the letter is he was in Aj's shoes.

"From whom?" Brian and Howie were shocked at how lifeless AJ's
voice sounded.

"It was with Ashley at the hospital." Nick walked to Aj and handed
him the letter. He watched as tears welled in his eyes and he instantly
started to rethink his decision.

"Thank you." Aj replied without looking up. They watched him as
he crossed the room and sat down on the couch. They watched his
expression as he pulled the letter out and started to read it. Nick
regretted his decision when Aj hung his head and sobbed loudly as he
finished the letter.

"Aj?" Nick was the first to speak. He went to his side and sat down
on the couch beside him and wrapped his arm around his friend's
shoulder.

"I am so stupid." Aj's words were distorted by his sobs.

"No you aren't."

"You don't know! You don't know what I did." Aj yelled standing
from the couch and moving to the french doors.

"What do you mean?" Nick stood and followed Aj.

"I killed her."

"No you didn't!" Brian and Howie exclaimed at the same time.

"It's all in here. I killed her." Aj shoved the letter into Nick's hand
and turned his attention back to the window his tears quiet now.

Nick stared at his friend as he lifted the letter and started to read.

Dear Alex,

           I'm writing this letter in the hopes that it will give me the
strength to tell you what has happened. I know I should be stronger and
fight back on this but I don't know that I can.

I'm sorry for never telling you what happened. I know I should have
been able to tell you anything, after everything we've been through, but I
just couldn't stand to see the hurt in your eyes. I didn't want to bring you a
memory you didn't have. Maybe you weren't supposed to remember it. I
wanted to remember us as we were when we were younger.

Alex, four months ago we did something together that I will never
forget. When you came to my door that night I knew you were drunk, that
was obvious, but my need for you was so great that I couldn't turn you
away. I welcomed you into my home, my bed and my heart forever.

What I didn't expect was that you would not remember any of it the
next morning. I don't hold that against you, I've done things that I don't
remember when I've been drunk too. But a few weeks later I found that I
was pregnant.

To be honest I didn't know how to tell you, so I didn't. I took the
coward's way out and I'm so sorry to admit that I aborted our child. For a
while I thought I was okay, that I was going to make it through this but
slowly the guilt and the sadness set in and it's slowly eaten away at me.

I can't explain the anguish that I am feeling knowing that I killed a
helpless child. Let alone our child. I am so sorry. I wish I would have told
you, and let you know. The dreams are killing me, and as I watch you I
can't handle it any more.

Alex I'm so sorry for what I have done and what I'm about to do. I
have loved you for years and I always will. I will be with you always.

Love you forever, Ash

"Aj, I don't understand how did you kill her?" Nick spoke when he
finished the letter.

"I knew what had happened. I was ashamed that I was only man
enough to go to her when I was drunk. I remember everything from that
night. I might have been drunk but I couldn't be drunk enough to forget
her, to forget something like that." When he spoke Aj's words were rapid
as if he had to get it off his chest,"I was so scared that if I acted like I
remember that she would be upset and that she would walk away from
me." He hung his head as he continued,"If I had just let her know that I
remembered it she would be here now." A sob ripped through his body
as he finished."God damn it Ashley I loved you and you fucking left me!"
Aj roared looking toward the ceiling. He dropped to his knees as he
cried.

Nick handed the letter to Brian and joined on the floor."Aj you
didn't know. You would have never hurt her no purpose. I know that,
and she knew that. You have to realize that." Nick wrapped his arm
around Aj's shoulder as Brian and Howie joined them.

Nick looked across the yard toward Aj and the rest of the guys. Aj
laughed and smiled at something Brian said. To anyone outside of their
group, Aj looked normal. He had been sober for nearly 6 months. He was
working as hard as ever on a solo album, everything seemed to be going
okay. At least until Aj smiled, that's when you noticed that the smile
never reached his eyes. Whatever light Ashley had brought to his life
was gone, that AJ was gone.

Nick sighed, he knew Aj blamed himself but he knew it wasn't his
fault. Aj didn't seem to realize that, and Nick didn't know if he ever
would.