April 2, 1999
Dear Diary,
I'm 17 years old, I shouldn't be freaking out because I'm in a plane alone (well with my brother Daniel) but he's 15 so I doubt he'll be taking care of me or anything. It is the first time I've been on the plane without my parents though, so it's understandable, right? We're on our way to Miami to visit our grandparents. It's nice to actually go somewhere for Spring Break. Not that mine will be anything like the MTV kind. A change of scenary is always good. Maybe I'll meet a cute boy and get over Gabriel once and for all! Who am I kidding? I'd need to actually be able to talk to a boy. God why must I be such a shy loser?!?!? Ok we are taking off! Bye bye Puerto Rico (well for a week). I'm going to listen to my Backstreet Boys now. I'll be in Miami next time you hear from me!
Love,
Kristina

April 4, 1999
Dear Diary,
Happy Easter!!!! Yeah I don't get what the big deal is either. Damn bunny forgot about me again! Oh well. I'm soo bored and starving! Note to self- pack snacks when visiting the grandparents over Easter! Yeah I'm catholic like them, but I'm not so into the whole not eating meat thing. Fish is not my friend. It's been nice spending time with Abuela y abuelo but I need some excitement...and some junk food!!!! We went to the zoo yesteday, that was fun but they got tired pretty quick so we weren't there as long as I would have liked. We went to this church this morning that was really pretty, right by the ocean. I love the ocean, I'll have a house by the beach one day. Maybe in Tampa where the gorgeous Nickolas Gene Carter is. Yeah like he would ever give me the time of day! He likes easy blondes from what I've heard, and I am neither. Ok Kristina snap out of it! That gorgeous gorgeous man well never be yours. Heck, I'll be lucky if I ever see them in concert, much less meet him. Ok I've never been this happy to hear the word tuna before haha. I'm going to go eat some. Meeting up with our cousin Mark tomorrow. Let you know if anything exciting happens (doubt it).
Sweet Nick kisses!
Kristina Gisselle Carter!

April 7, 1999
OH MY GOD Diary!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ok just to update, Monday and Tuesday were as uneventful as it gets. But today was pretty much as far from uneventful as it gets!!! Where do I start? Well, let's get to the point. I met Howie!!! Yes, freakin HOWARD DWAYNE DOROUGH the freakin BACKSTREET BOY!!! How I haven't had a heart attack beats me. Let me stop hyperventilating and I will tell you every detail. We went to this cool outdoor mall downtown called Bayside. It was by the water and down the street from where the Miami Heat play. Me and Danny were ready to shop! The grandparents? Not so much. Again they got tired so they told us to go ahead and walk around, they would sit and wait for us. So when we were done we went to find them but they weren't where we left them. We decided to just sit and wait. And that's when I saw him! He was alone and a couple of tables away from us. I couldn't speak, I barely remembered my name! Danny was confused at first but then he saw Howie and told me I should go over there. I was too nervous! What would I say! I guess I owe my little brother because he grabbed my hand and walked me over to him! I let D do the speaking at first. He told Howie I was his sister (duh) and that I was a big fan and asked if I could have an autograph. I got an autograph and a picture and then Howie asked if we wanted to sit with him! Little brother (owe him for this one too!) said he would go see if he could find our grandparents. So there I was alone with him. He was looking gorgeous and I was trying not to be a complete loser! When we started talking all that went away. I felt so comfortable with him! I told him I was from PR so we had something in common right off the bat. I almost felt like I had known him for a long time. We talked for maybe 20 minutes then the fam showed up so it was time to say goodbye. He asked how long I was in Miami for, he wanted to see me again! This made me sound like a total baby but I had to tell him there was no way the grandparents would be ok with it. He said he understood and we exchanged numbers!!! I kinda want to call to see if it's real but if it is I'd look a little stalkerish, right? I go home in a few days so we'll see if he calls. He probably won't but that's ok. The time I had with him today was priceless! I need to go try to get some sleep. Don't know how successful I will be, I'm too wound up!
April 7, 1999- BEST DAY EVER!!!
Goodnight!
Kris Carter (Dorough?)


April 10, 1999
Dear Diary,
I'm on the plane back home. Sorry it's been a few days. Not much to report from Miami and all that's in my brain is a whole lot of Howie! I seriously can't stop thinking about him. It's normal, right? I met a BSB! I love them! I should completely be reacting this way. I need to get my head down from the clouds. He's, well, him and I'm me. That says it all. And oh yeah, he's 26 and I'm still in high school. Repeat after me "he doesn't want to be with you". But what if I want to be with him? I really think I do. Is that messed up? I've been in love with Nick for 2 years! So what? Nick has a girlfriend and it's not me. Oh yeah, and I've never met him! I'm getting way ahead of myself here. I'm just praying that he'll call me. I want to see him again so bad! You know I'll tell you as soon as it happens (if it happens). I'm going to try to take a nap. All this thinking about him is tiring! See ya in Puerto Rico!
Sweet D love,
Kristina

April 11, 1999
1:37 AM
He called Diary!!!!
He remembered I was coming home today and called me! We talked for like 3 hours. It was amazing!! I really felt like I had known if forever. We definitely have a connection. No I'm not crazy and I know he feels it too. Don't ask me how, I just know. I could have talked to him for 10 more hours. It's crazy how much we think alike. Most of the time I could guess what his answer to a question would be! Maybe we're soulmates? There I go getting ahead of myself again. I can't help it, I like him so much! I told him to say hi to the other guys for me. I wonder if he will and who he'll tell them I am. I want to see him so bad! And what sucks is I have no idea when I'll be able to. I have school for another month and he's going to Europe for the summer. And you know my parents aren't going to buy me a plane ticket to go see a guy! I need to find a way to see him before he goes to Europe. I need to know if there's really something between us. If there is and he really wants to be with me I guess I'll deal with not seeing him for 3 months. You know, I haven't even had a chance to tell anyone about it! I just got back today (well yesterday technically). I'm seeing Jessica and Nadia tomorrow so I'll tell them. I was planning on telling them anyway. I don't want the whole world to know and they don't go to my school so they won't tell anyone. I'll tell eveyone that I met him but not that we're talking. I don't want fake people trying to be my friend because I know someone famous. I might tell Irene and Cynthia on Monday. They are my best friends after all. I should go get some sleep. I don't know when I'll talk to him again. He said he would call me because of the long distance and everything. I know my parents wouldn't be too thrilled to find a 3 hour call to Orlando on the phone bill! He said he'd call soon. I hope he does. I miss him already!
Sweet Howie dreams,
Kristina

April 16, 1999
Miss me Diary?
I know it's been a few days. I'm sorry! I've been busy. It's been hard to squeeze in sleep in there! I think Spring Break is a bit inconvinient. You get back and have finals just around the corner. I've been swamped, still am. Junior year has been the hardest and most stressful one of my life by far. I know I know. You don't want to hear about school, you want juicy Howie news. And do I have some for you. We've talked pretty much every night. That's the reason for my lack of sleep but sooo worth it! He gets more incredible every time I talk to him. I didn't want to tell a lot of people about this yet but I don't know how I'll hide it. I'm so giddy! Ok for the big news. Drumroll please!!! He asked me to marry him! No not really. Sorry I had to! He asked me to go up to Orlando for a weekend to see him and meet the other guys!!! I haven't told mom and dad yet. They can't say no, I have to do it! I can only go for a weekend though since I'm still in school and everything. Their new album comes out the week I'm done actually, so they'll be traveling around the US before they leave for Europe. So basically this is my only chance to see him before they leave. I'm planning on telling them tomorrow. Pray for me! He said he would come here to see me but they are doing rehearsals for the tour so he can't leave. I wonder if it'll be awkward meeting Nick. I guess it shouldn't be. The feelings I had for him weren't real, I have never even met him! I just hope he's not TOO gorgeous in person. Who am I kidding? Of course he will be! They all will be. I better go do some homework. I'll let you know what the veredict is. I'll either be very happy or very pissed. Let's hope for very happy!
Later!
K

April 17, 1999
Pack your bags Diary!!!
Yup, we are going to Orlando! Oh my God I can't believe it! I think it's time to wake up because I must be dreaming! When I get so lucky? They made me wait all day for an answer though, it was beyond annoying. I really thought they would say no. I spent the day with Jess and Nadia to try to keep my mind off of it, but of course it was all we talked about. I'm still in total shock. They even said I could miss a Friday from school so I would get an extra day! They must really understand how important this is to me. They did say they want to talk to Howie. Oh no, I hope they don't embarass me too much! They also want to know where I'll be staying and with who. Now this is a tricky one, and even though Howie already told me I could stay at his house, I didn't tell them that. The thing is, I'm not sure what answer they're looking for. Sure, if I stay at a hotel I would be away from the guy I'm sure they're weary of, but I'd also be alone. I'll have to discuss it with Howie and see what he thinks. I might just ask them what they'd be more comfortable with and tell them I'll do it. Of course i'm staying with Howie either way! He's looking for plane tickets for me and said that it would more than likely be in 2 weeks that I go. I'm so excited! I can't wait to see him again and to meet the other guys! I really love my life right now!
Bed time, I'll keep you updated as always!
KGD!

April 21, 1999
Dear Diary,
Change of plans, I leave for Orlando tomorrow! Howie said he wanted to see me as soon as possible so he got me a ticket for this weekend! So I've been busy this week getting caught up with schoolwork and of course, packing. Mom thinks I'm crazy for taking so much stuff for 4 days. Well, I'll be around the Backstreet Boys, all 5 of them! I need to be prepared. Oh yeah I'm staying at Howie's place. He told the rents he has a guest house for me to stay in so they were ok with that. I'm leaving after school tomorrow. I'm going to be going nuts all day, I just want to go already! I'm excited and nervous. If you would have told me this was going to happen a month ago I would have told you you were crazy! I'm not sure how I got so lucky. I have a feeling I will have a lot to write this weekend! But hopefully not a lot of time!
I'll keep you informed!
Kisses,
Kris

April 23, 1999
3 AM
Hey Diary!
I'm in Howie's guest room as I write this! I should be sleeping right now but I'm too happy and excited to sleep! Guess what? He kissed me! When he saw me at the airport he just walked up to me and kissed me! It was definitely the most romantic moment I've had in my short life. I'm still a little nervous about meeting Nick but I'm sure I'm over that silly crush I've had on him for the last 2 years. Guess I was crushing on the wrong Boy. I think he's still weirded out about the age thing, but I'll be 18 in less than a year. I know he's being cautious because of it. I know I have way less experience that him. I barely have any at all! I just love how I feel when I'm around him. Like there's finally someone that completely gets me. That's crazy, huh? I haven't even known him a month! But anyway I should go try to get some sleep. I have to be up in a few hours to go meet the guys! Wish me luck! Hopefully I'll be able to act like a normal human being around them!
Loving love,
Kristina


April 24, 1999
Are you a good shrink Diary?Because I think I need one! I am so extremely confused right now! Yesterday was amazing and crazy and completely messed with my head! Where do I even start? I'll get right to the point. You know that silly crush I had on Nick? I think it evolved into something more than a crush when I first saw him. It just hit me. I'm in love with him! Or am I? How can I be? I'm with Howie. I just met him yesteday. Oh yeah, he has a girlfriend. Oh thank God she wasn't there yesterday because I think that would have taken me right over the edge. I don't know what to do. I obviously need to get over it. Nothing will come from it and why ruin what I could end up having with Howie? Maybe my reaction was normal. Maybe I was just in shock from meeting him. And I have been psyching myself out about it. I guess we'll see what happens. I swear I felt like he was looking at me the same way I was looking at me, but that was probably just my imagination. Ok moving on, all the guys are great! They were all so nice! I got to watch them rehearse and heard some of the new songs. It was a dream come true! I met Brian's girlfriend Leighanne too. I love her! You can tell she's truly a good person. I had a lot of fun talking to her. Wow my life is turning into a soap opera. I hope today is more normal, maybe it was just all my excitement that made me confused. I have to go get ready.
Thanks shrink!
Kristina

April 25, 1999
2 AM
I've become a good middle of the night writer Diary!
I feel like I'm in the twilight zone! This isn't my life, it can't be! How did I go from shy junior in high school to the girl that hangs out with the Backstreet Boys? Every morning when I wake up I think i'll be back to my old life, that all of this was just a dream. But it's not. I'm still here, in Orlando, in Howie's house. You know what he asked me? To go to Europe with them this summer! We were talking about how we were going to make this work, being on opposite sides of the world for 3 months and all, and he just asked me to go with him. There's no way the parents are going to be on board though, so I'm not getting too excited just yet. I'm still confused as hell though. I like Howie so much! He's the sweetest guy I've ever met. And then there's Nick. Sexy sexy Nick. How am I going to handle being around them non-stop in Europe for 3 months? I can't believe I already have to go home. Maybe being away from them will help me think clearly. All that hotness can't be good for my brain! I need sleep. All this confussion has me sleep deprived. I don't want to leave!
K

April 25, 1999
On the plane
Back home we go Diary,
I'm not happy about it. I had such an amazing time. Confusing but still amazing. And what sucks is I don't even know exactly when I'll see them again. I have to go to Europe. What kind of parents would deny their child a summer in Europe, right? Especially when they don't have to pay for it! Kevin was so sweet, he said that since he's the only responsible and mature one in the group (funny but almost accurate!) that he would talk to my parents if I needed him to and he would assure them I would be taken care of. How nice is that? God I love those boys! I might fall in love with all 5 of them after being with them every day for 3 months! Yes I'm kidding! You know what I was thinking? It's pretty weird that Nick's girlfriend wasn't around at all the time I was there. Not that I was looking forward to meeting her or anything, but you would think she would have been considering she lives in Florida. He didn't even mention her at all. Hmm interesting. I don't know what's worse though, him having a girlfriend or being single. Him being off limits does simplify my life a little. Not that I think he's interested in me either way. Note to self- remove Nick from my brain!
See ya in PR!
Konfused Kristina


April 27, 1999
Reality bites Diary!
I can't concentrate in school, all I can think of is 5 certain gorgeous guys (2 of them most of the time). It's so hard to just fall back into normal life after the weekend I had! And what's harder is I have to censor myself and I have to be super aware of it. Of course I want to be gushing about it! But at the same time I don't need fake girls trying to be my friend just because of who I know. Pretty much everyone knows I met Howie by now, but they just think it was a one time thing. Only my closest friends know the truth and where I was this past weekend. And absolutely no one knows about the Nick thing. There's no way I can trust anyone with that. So I'm basically going crazy thinking about things I can't tell anyone about. I'm talking to the parents about Europe tonight. It took them 2 days to decide that I could go to Orlando for a weekend, I can't imagine how long it will take to decide if I can go to Europe for 3 months! I'll keep Kev on speed dial in case I need him to convince them haha. I love that they all seem to want me to go. I love those boys. Gotta go, Howie's calling. Send Europe vibes to mom and dad!
Howie's (not Nick's) girl,
Kristina

April 30, 1999
Guess who’s going to Europe Diary???
Yes that would be me!!! I still don’t believe it. I will be spending two amazing months in Europe with the Backstreet Boys! Every morning when I wake up I almost expect to wake up in my old life, it’s crazy how much my life has changed! If I’m dreaming I definitely never want to wake up! I was expecting the worst when mom and dad said they wanted to talk to me. They sure did take their time deciding, and I was going crazy waiting! I guess whatever Howie and Kevin told them worked, Yes, they insisted on talking to Howie, totally embarrassing, but if it got them to say yes then it was worth it in the end. Kev is so nice, volunteering to talk to my parents so convince them to let me go. He’s the daddy of the group, so I guess he’ll be my babysitter, or that’s probably what he told them haha. I’m so excited but nervous too. I am getting to do so many things that I never dreamed I would get to do. I wonder is Nick’s girlfriend will be there. Why should I care? I guess I like imagining he doesn’t have one which is completely twisted considering I have a boyfriend! I need to work on getting over this before Europe. I will be with the guys all the time, and I can’t be caught in between like this. I am with Howie, I am committed to him, right? Ok lets think about other stuff for now. What do I pack? I need to go shopping! I doubt that I own anything Europe appropriate! The next couple of weeks are going to be very busy! School is almost over so I have to focus on finals and getting ready for my trip. If I’m MIA for a bit don’t take it personally! You know if anything of importance happens you’ll be the first to know!
Night night!
Kristina



May 5, 1999
Hey Diary!
Not too much to report. Just trying to live my normal, boring life for a few more weeks. I’m flying to Orlando in about 3 weeks to meet up with the guys and then head to Europe! I miss all of them so much! It’s crazy how even though I was only with them for a weekend I feel like they’ve been part of my life forever. I’m finding t hard to focus on every day things, especially since not a lot of people know about any of this. I guess when I get back people will know, but I want to keep it quiet as long as possible. Only a few close friends know. I don’t want fake people that have never given me the time of day trying to be my friends because now I hang out with famous people. My Senior year will definitely be interesting. I think I will have a lot of fun rejecting little popular airheads that will no doubt want to be my best friends when they know what I did this summer. It’s going to be strange going back to school in August, that’s for sure. I talked to all the guys last night! Howie called me and they all wanted to say hi. They make me so happy, they make me feel wanted! I totally got crazy butterflies when I talked to Nick. His voice is so sexy!!! OK snap out of it! What is my problem? Oh yeah, I found a way to subtly try to find out is his girlfriend will be in Europe, but I didn’t get much info. I asked Howie if any other girlfriends were going and he said Leighanne would be there at least part of the time, and that Kev and A.J. were “off” with their on and off girlfriends so they would probably not be around. He didn’t even mention Nick! Hmmm. You think they broke up? As much as I don’t like him having a girlfriend it kind of makes things a bit easier knowing his unavailable. I don’t have any desire to meet her though. Leigh told me she’s a bitch haha. Well she didn’t use that word, she’s a nice girl, but that’s basically what she said. She said none of the other girls ever liked her. I wonder why he would be with someone like that. Ok I need to go study. Maybe I’ll be able to concentrate.
Is it June yet?
K



May 14, 1999
Been a while Diary!
Today is a great day! My Junior year is officially history and nothing but Europe ahead of me! I also got a package in the mail today from the Boys! It was their new CD Millennium. It comes out on Tuesday, ah the perks of knowing the right people! It’s so good, I’ve been listening to it non-stop since I got it! I can’t wait to see them perform the songs live. June2 in Belgium I will be going to my very first Backstreet Boys concert! I need to practice controlling myself, I can’t act like a crazy fan! The guys are going to be traveling around next week, promoting the new CD. They actually said I could go with them if I wanted, but the parents wanted me to hang out at home next week since I’ll be gone for 2 months and everything. I think I finally have most of the stuff I’m taking and I already started packing. Yeah, I have a week and a half to go, but I want to make sure I have everything! It’s hard not to giggle when someone asks what my plans for the summer are and I answer, “oh nothing”. Couldn’t be farther from the truth! Wouldn’t it be awesome if I ended up in a picture with the guys on a magazine or something and everyone at home saw it? I don’t really want the attention, but shocking people will be fun. I’m going to go obsess over my packing some more. I love my life!
Luckiest girl ever!
Kris




May 18, 1999
The countdown is up Diary!
It’s Millennium day! The whole world will get to hear it today. I’m so proud of my Boys! And I love saying my Boys! I wish I was with them today. I just talked to Howie, they’re at MTV in New York waiting to do TRL. He said it’s crazy how many girls are out there. Kinda makes me happy knowing I have what all those girls want. In a week I will be in Orlando and in 2 weeks I will be in Europe! Bring on the best summer ever! I don’t know how I’m going to get any sleep this week. The Boys are going to be all over TV so that will make me even more excited! Hate to cut it short, but TRL is about to start and I have to watch my Boys and the girls that wish they were in my place!
Living the dream!
Kristina

May 26, 1999
Welcome to the Sunshine State Diary!
The best summer in the history of summers has officially begun! I got here last night and I haven’t been this happy since the last time I was here! These boys just make everything better. They had rehearsals so I got to see all of them yesterday. I am so excited for the tour! There’s one song that I’m already obsessed with. It’s called Spanish Eyes and I like to imagine it’s about me haha. Lame, I know, but I can’t help it. It’s a little after 7 am so Howie is still asleep. We were at rehearsals until pretty late last night. I should be tired myself, but I just can’t seem to go back to sleep, I’m too excited! Oh and I convinced my parents to let me fly out here by myself, they wanted to come with! Can you imagine? Them questioning all the guys, I would have died! I’m constantly trying to seem older, make them forget I’m only 17. I just feel like such a little kid around them. Nick is only 19 so I do relate to him the most, but still, he hasn’t been a “normal” kid since he was 12. I met A.J.’s on and off girl Amanda last night. Guess they’re back on? I don’t know, didn’t ask. I love her! They need to get back together so I can hang out with her. Still so sign of Nick’s girlfriend, I’m starting to think they broke up. God I wish he wasn’t so gorgeous. Who knew getting over a crush would be this hard? I always figured when I had a boyfriend I would get over all the other dumb crushes. We leave for Europe this weekend and I’m counting down the days. I’m with them now though, so I could be anywhere and be happy! How in the world did I get this attached to them so fast? It usually takes me a while to warm up to people. Maybe it was meant to be, it sure feels like it. Who would have thought? I think I hear Howie, I hope I didn’t wake him up! Remember Kristina, you have an amazing boyfriend!
Later!
Kris



May 28, 1999
Europe countdown is 1 Diary!
We leave tomorrow! I’m excited but nervous. This is so far from anything I’ve ever done! Today was a good day, the guys had the day off and they all came over just to hang out. I’m pretty much over being shy around them which I love. I just feel so comfortable, like I can say anything that’s on my mind around them. It really was a perfect day, relaxing before the craziness begins! Not that I will mind, I’m looking forward to the craziness! The guys say the girls in Europe are a tad bit crazier than the ones here. They better stay away from my man though! And from Nick or there will be problems! No, they can have Nick, remember, he’s not yours! I have a feeling that Kevin will be harder on me than my parents! He was already saying that I am not allowed in any places I would normally be allowed in! I guess clubbing in Europe is out of the question! That’s not really my thing anyway, but you know I had to fight him about it haha. It’s so sweet how he wants to take care of me though. I already feel like he is the big brother I never had. I’m going to go make sure I have everything packed and I will talk to you in Belgium!
Going to Europe!!!!!
Kristina



May 31, 2009
You’re in Belgium Diary!
Wow I’m so jetlagged! Took me a while to figure out what day it was! That was the longest flight ever! I’m in my hotel room right now; we were all beat so the guys went to bed. Yeah, I get my own room; I think Howie’s still being cautious with me. I know we haven’t been together long, but I just hope he gets over that soon. It’s nice that he’s trying to take it slow with me since I know there are a lot of things I’m probably not ready for, but I have a feeling that if I was a few years older it would all be very different. The first show is in 2 days! I’ll be backstage for the show. I really want to be in the audience for a show, but I decided to do that in England and Spain. I think it’s a good idea to be able to communicate with the other girls there. Can you imagine if they started talking to me? I would have no clue! We’re doing some sightseeing tomorrow, mostly for my benefit I’m sure, so I’ll be getting my first real look at Europe! I’m wondering what I’ll be doing at night since daddy Kevin said I can’t go out. I don’t want Howie to miss out on anything to stay with me. I don’t want him to start seeing my age as more of a negative. I hope we can find a McDonald’s! I’m not big into trying new things. I probably should though, when will I ever get a chance like this again? I just realized I’m falling asleep. Better go rest up.
Watch out Europe, I’m here!
Kristina



June 3, 1999
OH MY GOD DIARY!!!!
The concert was AMAZING! I guess I knew it would be, but it’s one of those things that you have to experience to truly know what it feels like to be there. It’s after 3 am and there is another show tonight so I should probably be sleeping, but I’m too excited to sleep. It was over so quick, I’m glad I have about 40 more shows to go to. Crazy, huh? I have never been to a Backstreet Boys concert and I’ll go to 40 in 2 months! I could get used to this that’s for sure. Oh, when we went sightseeing yesterday it was just Howie, Nick, and me. Yeah kinda awkward to say the least. Just on my part of course. Neither one of them has any idea what I’m feeling. And they shouldn’t, it would ruin everything! I will get over it eventually. Sometimes I feel like Nick feels the same, just by the way he looks at me or talks to me, but I’m probably reading too much into things and he’s just being nice. I mean, we just relate to each other because we’re about the same age and everyone we’re around is older, doesn’t mean he wants to be with me! And the girlfriend issue is still a total mystery. I better keep you well hidden, can you imagine if the wrong person got a hold of all this? And really, the wrong person would be anyone but me!
Night night!
Kristina



June 10, 1999
Have lots to tell you Diary!
Tonight I had my first in the audience Backstreet Boys concert experience! I had to beg the guys to let me do it, but I figured this was the best time to do it. No one knows who I am yet, after a while I’m sure my picture will start showing up in mags and stuff and I won’t get to do stuff like that. Can you imagine? Me in a magazine. It was super crazy and super fun! Being out there with the fans in a completely different experience. I could go a bit more crazy too haha. We’re in England now, and they have a few more shows here so I’m hoping I get to do it again. They might not want to me to by the time we hit Spain. It’s kind of annoying how protective they are but I kind of like it too! I’ve gotten so close to them already. I’m so totally conflicted here. I’m really starting to feel like I like Howie more as a friend than a boyfriend, and these feelings for Nick seem to be getting stronger instead of going away. But obviously I could never do that to Howie. If I ever break up with him its bye bye Backstreet life. And I don’t want to stay with him so I can keep being around them. But really, what guy would want to stay friends with a girl that breaks up with him? We were in Paris the last couple of days, and of course that place is romantic as hell. I kept catching myself thinking, “I wish I was doing this with Nick”. How messed up is that? Seriously, what is wrong with me? And I could never be with Nick. I could never come between them like that. I have a lot of thinking to do. It’s going to hurt like hell if I end up breaking up with him. I just really feel like we would be better as friends. We have so much in common; maybe we jumped into this dating stuff too fast. And now there’s no turning back. Guess I better get working on that thinking. I’ll let you know what I decide. Who knows, I might be back to reality next time you hear from me.
This sucks,
K



June 30, 1999
Ciao Diary!
You guessed, it we’re in Italy! I know it’s been forever. Yeah I’m still with Howie. I just decided to give it more time. He’s such a good boyfriend, what kind of idiot would break up with a guy like him? The past couple of weeks have actually been pretty good. I have to work hard at it, but I’ve been focusing on Howie and trying to forget about Nick. But how do you forget about someone you see every day? I’m usually alone at night. You know Kev won’t let me go out with them, and Howie likes to go out, I don’t want him to resent me for being the reason he doesn’t get to do what he wants. He stays with me some nights, so it’s not too bad. Sometimes I almost have to force him to go. He would stay every night if I let him, but I don’t want him to miss out because of me. Tonight was definitely the craziest night since we’ve been here. It was a night off, so Kevin, Howie, and A.J. wanted to go out. Like usual Brian and Leighanne were doing their own thing, and me and Nick were the kids left behind. I have been tempted to go hang out with him, but that wouldn’t help anything. Turns out they ended up going to this club/bar right here at the hotel. At first I stayed behind in my room like always. A little while late someone knocks on my door. It was A.J. He said it wasn’t right that Kev was making me miss out on all the fun, so he was taking me out. I wasn’t sure at first, but then I said what the heck. So I got ready and we went down to the club. He said I was his sister haha, and I had no problem getting in whatsoever. Yet another thing I could get used to! We found Howie, he was actually happy to see me so I stopped stressing. I was having so much fun, and then Kevin found us. Oh it wasn’t pretty! He was so mad! He thought Howie snuck me in so he was mad at him, then A.J. told him he did it. Well he wanted all of us outside. He said my parents trusted them to take care of me and that he took that seriously. God, daddy Kev is stricter than my real parents haha. So anyway, Howie went up to the room with me. He wanted to stay, but I told him to go ahead and go back. Then he said it, “you should go hang out with Nick”. I had no reason to say no, well not one I could tell him anyway. So I said “ok sounds good” and went and knocked on Nick’s door. I’m still trying to decide it that was a good idea or not. I’m definitely in love with him, there’s no going around that anymore. We just hung out and talked, and I know I wasn’t imagining it this time, there’s definitely something there. What am I going to do now? Your guess is as good as mine. Guess I’ll have to try to go back to staying away from him as much as I can. Not sure I can make myself do that after tonight.
Worst girlfriend ever,
Kristina



July 12, 1999
Hola Diario!
Welcome to Spain and Kristina’s drama filled life! Wow, where do I even start? Well, I’m not Howie’s girlfriend anymore, but I’m still kinda involved Backstreet Boy. Wow I sound like such a tramp, don’t I? How can I go from one guy to another like that? What am I even still doing here? I should be back home kicking myself for being so stupid. Here’s what happened. I couldn’t stay away from Nick, I kept hanging out with him on nights the other guys went out. We could both tell there was something between us and that was pretty obvious. I just kept telling myself it’s nothing, but then he said it. This all happened just a few hours ago. We were hanging out like always, and he just comes out and says he likes me. I tried to play it off like I had no idea what he was talking about, I tell him I like him too, that he’s a good friend and I like hanging out with him. How lame am I? So of course he says that’s not what he means, that there’s no way I can’t see what’s going on between us. I ask about his girlfriend. He says he doesn’t have one, that he broke up with her the first day he met me! Wow I didn’t see that one coming! He said that he just knew he would be with me eventually so there was no point in staying with her. What do you say to that? Well, what about my boyfriend Howie, of course. Nick said he could tell that there was something that just wasn’t there with us. That he knows we care about each other but he didn’t see a spark with us, like we were just friends. This is what I’ve been thinking for a month now of course. So long story short, I decide to talk to Howie. I pretty much tell Nick that this probably means that I’ll be going home and we won’t be together anyway, but I had to do it. I couldn’t stay with Howie after everything Nick said. It went surprisingly better than I expected. I told him I had to talk to him, and he said there was something he’d wanted to talk about just didn’t know how to do it. Summary, he feels the same way I do. He said he’s been feeling the friends vibe for a while but he was afraid to lose me as a friend too. Then he pretty much said I should go be with Nick! Ok what universe am I living in? He said that he could tell there was something between us and that he knew neither one of us would ever do anything about it because we didn’t want to hurt him, but that he wanted us to be happy and he thought us being together is what would make us happy! He pretty much left me without anything to say because he said everything I needed to say. I’m still not 100% sure if he meant everything. I’m pretty confused right now. We’re definitely not together anymore. As far as Nick goes, we’re yet to figure that one out. I don’t want to make things awkward between them. I guess we’ll just keep hanging out and see what happens. Am I a horrible person? You know, there are already pictures out there of me and Howie. What are people going to say when I’m with Nick all of a sudden? How did my life get so amazingly complicated?
Still a backstreet girl?
Kris