Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 1

I would count to three in my head.

One, two, three.

Then I would open my eyes, and hopefully it would be over. Sometimes, I had to count to three a couple times, but that was okay. One, two, three and it would be over.

Over.

Well, not that type of over. Even though sometimes, I did wish for that. Just end it all. Get it done with for good.

But not today. Today I just wanted the other type of over.

We'd been fighting a lot lately. And I can't say that I was just sitting back counting to three and not being involved, because believe me I'd had my share. But the little things that we usually fought over seemed to be getting bigger and although nobody seemed to voice it, I was getting a little scared.

Sometimes I really thought it was over. And sometimes, I didn't regret that.

"Nick, hello, wake up."

"I am awake, what." I opened my eyes and stared into AJ's annoyed ones. They were tired and bloodshot. I knew my own probably weren't much better off.

"We're trying to discuss some plans, you wanna actually take part for once?"

"Sounded like it was going just fine without me."

"Damn man, if you were paying any attention-"

"I was paying attention."

They were all looking at me now.

"Well then maybe you shouldn't go out and get plastered every night."

"I wasn't out getting plastered."

"Well you sure as hell weren't sleeping."

"No." I'd give him that much. Sleeping didn't exactly come easy lately. "And I wouldn't talk, Mr. 'Let's see how the world looks through the eyes of a high man'."

If looks could kill I'd be six feet under and kissing any chances of coming back up goodbye.

"Nick ..."

I glanced at Brian and found myself on the receiving end of one of his new looks.

"What."

"Let's just stick to discussing the plans okay?" He looked at AJ now too thankfully, not just me.

And that was pretty much what it was reduced to. Discussing plans. That was pretty much all we could bring ourselves to talk about at that point without creating a major argument. And obviously, even that in itself was impossible sometimes.

" ... this summer, if we decided on that, right?"

They all seemed to be nodding, and I wondered why I had blanked out suddenly.

"Nick?"

Here we go again. I looked up.

Kevin was giving me one of his looks now. "Nick, now's not the time to develop ADD. If you would just pay attention for once we could get through this."

"I am paying attention. It sounds fine. I'm in."

Whatever it was.

And hell, like it even mattered what we decided on anyway. Seemed like our plans were always being blindsided by managements newfound miracle plans anyway.

And then next thing I knew they were arguing again. Something about a tour. I leaned back in my chair and closed my eyes. One, two-

"-then maybe it is over!" AJ exploded, and I heard him push back his chair. "Screw everything. And dammit Nick, wake up."

My eyes flew open as his hand connected with the back of my head. I didn't comment. He was already out the door anyway.

"Here we go again," Howie muttered. "You want me to go find him?"

Kevin shook his head and pushed back his own chair. "Don't bother."

Yeah, maybe Kev was right. Why bother.

-

"What're you doing?"

I jumped.

"Looking."

I had been staring down at the tiny, almost empty street below and thinking about a few things. I turned to glance at AJ, taking my weight off the balcony railing.

"I'm just thinkin' ..."

He came to stand next to me, leaning forward over the rail like I had been just minutes before. "About?"

"Stuff."

He didn't answer.

"They look so small." The few people down there looked like ants. I leaned forward over the railing again.

"Yeah ..."

"Do you think it would hurt?"

I knew he looked at me then but I kept my eyes focused on the street. I knew he knew what I meant.

"Is that the 'stuff'?"

"Maybe."

"I don't know really," he said. "But it couldn't be long anyway, you know? Just like one two three, bam."

One, two, three.

"Yeah ..."

That made sense.

He seemed to think for a long while.

"You know what?"

"What." I squinted into the sun.

"Let's do it together."

I looked at him, surprised.

"Not now," he said quickly, and gave a hoarse laugh. And then he was serious. "Just ... you know, if ever?"

I nodded slowly. "Okay."

"Okay," he repeated.

I didn't know who was crazier, me or him. But I wasn't alone.

"What're you doing?"

We both jumped.

Brian.

"Looking," AJ said quickly. He looked at me as Brian frowned.

And I smiled slightly.

-

"Nick?"

I looked up. Brian was standing there in the doorway, looking all serious. He used to never stop smiling. Even when he was mad at me or something. It wouldn't last. But now, it seemed different.

"What." I dropped my pen on the table and moved my arms forward to cover the hotel notepad I was using.

His eyes traveled to the desktop. "What're you doing?"

"Nothing." Writing. What did it look like. "What's up?"

"Can I talk to you?" His eyes moved up from the table to meet mine and I tried to keep his gaze.

"I guess. Sure. About what?"

"Uh, stuff." Brian seemed a bit uncomfortable. Which made me a bit uncomfortable.

"What sort of stuff?"

Brian took the time to pull another chair to the other side of the desk so that he was sitting directly across from me. Direct confrontation. He sat down and dropped his elbows on the tabletop.

"I've just been worried lately."

"Worried about what?" I spun the pen on the desk so I didn't have to look at him. "The tour? It'll be fine, man."

"Not the tour."

"What then."

"You."

That caught my attention. I stopped spinning the pen. "Me?"

"Yeah you."

"Why?" I started spinning again.

"Why? Look at you, Nicky. What's going on?"

"What do you mean, what's going on?"

"Nick." His hand fell over the pen. "C'mon, buddy. You know whenever anything's bothering you I'm always here, right?"

I nodded. "Sure."

"Then?"

"Nothing's bothering me. Everything's fine."

Super. Perfect. Fabulous.

I looked at him.

He didn't believe me.

"I'm fine. I don't know why you're worried."

"You've just been acting weird lately."

"Well maybe you should go talk to Kevin, Howie, and AJ too 'cause they haven't exactly been up to par lately. You either."

"So you're telling me you're acting strange the same way we all are," he said slowly.

Was that grain of hope reassuring to him?

"I'm not even acting strange."

"Nick please."

"Nothing's bothering me. Really." I gave him a big smile. Honestly I didn't even know what was worrying me. The fighting, the stress, the rest ...

His face was blank.

"What?"

He shook his head.

"No, what?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"You just did." And I gave him another big smile.

He didn't return it.

"Okay, go ahead."

He leaned forward. "Yesterday on the balcony. What were you and AJ talking about?"

Yesterday. The balcony.

"Me and AJ?"

Stalling. One, two, three ...

What were we talking about?

"Yes. You and AJ." He waited.

I glanced at the pad.

"We're writing a song together."

"Now that's funny .... He said you guys were talking about vacation."

Two-timing. I hated when people did that to me.

"We were. That too. We're writing a song and we're gonna finish it when we get vacation."

Now did that make any sense at all? Not even to me.

What was I talking about?

What was this conversation about?

"Nicky, look at me."

"What?"

He grabbed my chin. "If you ever think about doing something-"

"Doing what," I interrupted quickly. I pulled my head back and shoved the notepad into the desk drawer, starting to stand. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He was making me nervous. I had to get out.

"Carter-"

"I'm going out."

"Where?"

"I don't know yet."

"You want company?"

"Um ..."

"No, huh?" He leaned back in his chair.

Was he giving up on me? For one of the first times I actually felt like he didn't understand me at all.

But I just shrugged.

"Alright. We'll talk later." He smacked me softly as he said it. "Be careful."

"Always."

-

"Hey dog, look at this." AJ shoved a magazine under my nose. Tropical vacation paradises. I scanned the page, looking at the pink sanded beaches and aquamarine water.

"Nice."

"Real nice," he corrected.

"You want an island getaway?"

He shrugged, shutting the magazine and tossing it to the side. "Would be cool."

"Yeah." Any place but here would be. I stared at the hotel ceiling. Another day wasting away. Everything seemed far away.

"You know, I've been thinking ..."

I looked at him.

"I'm thinking about taking some time off."

"Time off? How're you gonna get that approved?"

"Who said anything about approved? I said taking, not asking for."

"Oh." I rubbed the side of my face.

"Haven't you ever thought about taking off and getting the hell outta here for a bit?"

"Yeah. All the time."

He got up and went back over to the little refrigerator that charged twelve dollars for a single peanut. I watched as he pulled it open and picked out a tiny little bottle from the assorted liquor collection.

"That's like five hundred dollars." I watched as he twisted off the top and downed it.

"It's not five hundred dollars, reject."

"It's a lot."

"Not five hundred. You dumbass. Besides." He walked over to the sink and filled the tiny bottle with water. "They'll never even know."

And who was he calling the dumbass?

"The seal's broke."

"They don't look that carefully."

"It wasn't even a clear drink."

He stared at me. "Nick, I do this all the time."

"Do they charge you?"

"Hell yeah." He shook his head at me like I was stupid or something and stuck the little bottle back in the fridge.

I rolled my eyes.

"Ah. That stuff's good."

"You're retarded," I answered.

"What's that?"

"You're re-tar-ded." I said it slowly and made a face at him. He jumped me on the bed and started beating on me lightly as a response. He let up after a second and fell on his back next to me.

"Damn, this shit's got me going. You wanna go out somewhere?"

I shrugged. I was game for anything right then.

"You know ..." He stared at the ceiling and his voice suddenly sounded kind of far away. "Sometimes I think I'll just take off for a little bit and that'll fix things and I could just come right back. But sometimes I just wanna ..."

I turned my head to look at him and even his eyes looked lost. He sat straight up.

"C'mon, we'll go out. Me and you." He hit me. "Get up."

Things with me and AJ were weird. Sometimes I didn't like him. Sometimes I knew he hated me a lot. But other times I felt like he was the only one in the world who might possibly understand.

-

"Go fish."

I picked up a card from the pile on the floor and looked at it tiredly. I didn't need it. I didn't want to play. I didn't even remember whose idea it was to play the damn game.

"Do you have an ... ace of spades?"

"No," I answered

AJ and Brian both looked at me.

"What." I frowned at them. "I don't."

AJ made a motion with his hand. "And?"

"And what? I don't have any."

"And so?" Brian prodded. I gave him an annoyed look to show him I didn't know what he was trying to get at, and that on top of that I didn't really care to know either.

"Go ..." AJ said it slowly, as if he was talking to a retarded child or something.

I rolled my eyes.

Oh.

"Go ...," he tried again. His eyes were amused.

"Go fish. Damn. Do you really need me to say it?"

"Well that's the name of the game," Brian answered as he finally picked up a card from the pile. "C'mon, Nicky."

"Yeah Nicky," AJ added with a cackle, leaning back on his hands. "You gotta play by the rules."

If they only knew I really wanted to shove those cards-

"Guys, have you seen my keys?"

"No," we all said at the same time. I heard Kevin let out an aggravated breath.

"Could you look around you at least?"

Brian and AJ at least looked around, half-heartedly as the attempt was. I didn't bother. I just randomly picked up a few piles of the cards and started shuffling. I don't know why.

"No keys," Brian said.

"Could you really look?"

"We're kind of in the middle of a game here," AJ answered.

"Yeah, important too. Your card shark over there doesn't seem to realize you're in the middle of a game." And he left the room.

It took me a second to realize he was referring to me and the fact I had shuffled the order of all the cards.

AJ and Brian looked at me.

"What."

"You don't wanna play anymore?"

"Honestly no. I don't wanna waste my day playing Go Fish. Sorry." I dropped the cards I had been absently shuffling and watched them scatter. "Damn waste of time. We waste everyday. What's the point."

They both looked at me.

"What."

"You alright?" Brian frowned.

"I'm fine. Super." I started to get up from the ground, wondering what time it was. What day it was.

"Where're you going?"

"Out."

"You want company?"

"No."

Not from him, not from AJ. Nobody.

I just wanted to be alone, not answer anybody's questions, not try and share what was going through my head.

My head, my head.

Damn it hurt.

"Nicky?"

"What."

"You alright man?" AJ gave me a look, and I realized I had just been standing there. In the middle of the floor. Staring off into who knows where. I looked at the balcony for a minute. Then I shook my head and started for the door.

"I'll be back later."

-

I don't know how I wound up there.

"Last call for flight 119 to Chicago, last boarding call ..."

I was busy, I felt rushed, and yet here I was at perhaps one of the busiest places you could be.

The airport.

It's not even where I had planned to be. I had planned on getting drunk and maybe picking up a girl. But drinking had never really had any sort of magic effect on me and I was barely through with my first beer before I gave up on it and cut out of the little dinky bar.

And here I was. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

Well I had an idea.

The idea was the I would take any money I had in my wallet and buy a one-way ticket somewhere. Anywhere. Maybe one of those nice island retreats AJ had been showing off in that magazine. Maybe he was right. Maybe if I just took off for a little bit then that would fix things. Maybe I would come back and everything would be cool.

Or maybe I would decide I wouldn't need to come back at all.

I swallowed and looked at the outgoing flights on the computer screen.

New York, Dallas, Los Angeles, Phoenix, Cincinnati, Philadelphia, Seattle ...

I felt like running a finger down the list and picking one with my eyes closed. Where it stops, nobody knows. But I just stared at the list until my eyes became unfocussed.

I went and sat down again.

One, two, three.

Los Angeles, Dallas, or Seattle.

Deep breathing. I don't know what was wrong with me. Maybe I was having an anxiety attack. Was that possible? All I knew was that my head was swimming and I wasn't sure exactly what to do with myself.

To leave or not to leave.

Good question.

I tried to balance the pros and cons of the situation. But I couldn't think of any argument for either side.

And then there was always one other option.

-

"Where the hell were you?"

I turned away from the door, caught off guard slightly.

Kevin.

I stared at him.

"Well?"

"You waited up for me?"

I couldn't remember the last time someone had waited up for me.

And I couldn't tell if he had actually waited up for me or if he was just still up and this was an excuse to chew me out.

I could pretend.

"It's three o'clock in the morning."

I glanced at my watch. That it was.

"Nick."

I looked up.

"What the hell is going on with you?"

"I was driving," I said. And I moved away from the door, pulling off my jacket.

"Driving."

"Yes."

"You drive anywhere important?" he asked dryly.

I looked at him for a minute, hanging on to the jacket. "No," I said finally. "Not really."

Kevin leaned back in the couch and rubbed the side of his forehead, this weird look on his face. I realized I didn't get anyone anymore. They made no sense. I shook my head and started away.

"Hey."

"What?"

"I wanna talk to you."

That was never exactly a good thing.

"It's three in the morning, Kev. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"I'm getting tired of this shit, Nick."

"You're not the only one," I answered in the same tone. There was no answer from him and so I headed to AJ's room. There was somebody I did want to talk to.

"AJ," I hissed, shutting the door behind me. It was dark but I made my way towards the night table and fumbled to flip on the light there.

AJ sat up and gave me a dirty look through sleep filled eyes, letting the covers fall from his bare chest. He blinked at the sudden light.

"Did you just get in?" His voice actually had a chiding tone.

"Listen I've been thinking ..." I stretched out next to him on the bed and tried to think of how I was going to say it.

"This better be good," he muttered, lowering his shoulders back down and shutting his eyes.

"You know how you were talking about taking some time off?"

"Yeah."

"Let's do it."

"Alright," he mumbled.

"I'm serious."

"Alright," he repeated.

"However long it takes. We'll just go somewhere 'till we want to come back."

"Sounds good ..."

He sounded half asleep.

"Until we want to come back," I repeated. "And then if we don't ... If we don't think that we want to come back then we can do the other thing."

He was silent for a minute.

"Alright," he said finally.

"You don't sound sure."

"Oh I'm sure, pal," he said hoarsely. "Are you so sure?"

I didn't mean to hesitate, but I did. "Yes."

"Alright then." He rolled over away from me and flipped off the light. "Goodnight."

"Night," I repeated softly. And I looked at the darkened ceiling, wondering if that was the response I had really been looking for.

-

The thing was, no one ever talked to me about that night.

Kevin never talked to me in the morning, AJ never asked me where I had gone, Brian and Howie never even brought it up.

And so neither did I.

In reality, what I really wondered was that if I had hopped one of those planes, would they would even care? I mean, I knew it would hurt the group itself, but would it bother them? The 'group' was just some inanimate thing. It could be hurt, it was just a word.

But 'them' was different.

The 'group' was fighting again.

I wasn't even paying much attention this time. My mind was on other things. As soon as I heard the voices getting louder, I tried tuning them out.

And when that didn't work, I tried leaving.

The argument actually stopped when I stood. It was like pressing pause.

"Where're you going?"

"Getting a drink," I lied. They would never let me go.

I don't even think that they noticed me grabbing my keys off the table when I left. They were too busy with important matters or something.

And I didn't feel bad. The way I thought of it, I didn't even lie to them. I told them I was getting a drink, I didn't say where. And I didn't say I was coming back either.

The feeling you get when you're driving away from some place that you should still be at is amazing. I can't describe it. It's really like escape.

Actually, I probably could have done a lot better things with my 'escape' than I did, but I didn't.

I just drove myself back to the hotel and when I got there I just dropped my keys on the counter, fixed myself a drink, and sat myself on the balcony outside AJ's room. I guess I wanted him to be the first to find me.

But for then I just wanted to be alone.

All the little people, walking in the street below.

The little cars.

We were pretty high up here, in this room.

That would probably be better. The higher you were.

That made sense.

I took a sip of my drink and leaned my head back against the wall.

So the higher up you were, the better it would be.

The sun was setting. It was a canvas of yellows, and reds, and blues, and pinks ...

I shut my eyes against it and felt the soft wind ruffle over me.

I wondered if wind was a factor.

No.

Probably not.

I opened my eyes again and the sky was mostly yellow. The sunset was pretty much over.

Over.

I shut my eyes again.

Minutes later, something kicked me.

But it wasn't minutes. When I opened my eyes, the sky was pitch black and filled with stars.

"Where the hell have you been?"

"Hi AJ."

"Hi yourself." He kicked me again. "I've been looking for you."

"Well you found me."

He glared at me, saying nothing.

"I've been here the whole time, Sherlock. Good job."

I got another kick, this time better aimed and not so soft.

"Stop," I objected. That one hurt.

"You've been here the whole time," he repeated.

"Yeah. Why."

He just shook his head and dropped down on the ground next to me, leaning his back against the wall. "Nick, Nick, Nick."

"What."

"You dumbass."

"What?"

"Your ass is grass, my man. If I were you I'd pack my bags tonight."

"I'm planning on it." I was serious even if he wasn't going to be.

"No you're not."

"Yeah I am," I answered, growing annoyed.

"You're all talk, kid. That's it. You keep talking to yourself. No one's listening."

"Fine then," I shot. I started to pick myself off the ground, grabbing my drink that was still half full. "I'll see you around sometime. If I ever come back."

"Will you sit down already," he answered, sounding irritated. Oh so now he was the mad one.

But I fell back into a sitting position.

"Listen-"

"No, you listen," I interrupted. "I am. Tonight."

"Uh huh."

"I am." I looked down at my drink and hesitated. "You're coming too, right?"

He let out a hoarse laugh.

"Are you?"

"We had a deal, didn't we?" was his response.

I just nodded.

"Ready when you are," he said after a minute. And he pulled himself up and disappeared through the sliding door. I looked up from my drink finally and looked out into the stars.

Why did I feel like he had just pushed me into something.

But he hadn't.

This was all me.

-

I decided.

That night was the night. I wasn't just all talk, I wasn't just going to sit there thinking about it and let the time wash out from under me while I tried to decide on something to do with myself.

Tonight, it was going to happen.

But first I had to do something.

I turned my head away from the night sky and leaned over to pull the sliding glass door open while I was still sitting. Immediately the curtains billowed out and I heard the hollow sound of the TV inside.

"Come in or shut the door!" AJ had to holler to be heard over the combined sound of the TV and the flapping curtains.

I had to do something.

Tonight.

I hesitated.

"Carter!"

Good lord, you couldn't even take a second to think around here without someone jumping on you. Lately though, the seconds I thought I had been taking to think were really turning into minutes without me even knowing.

I picked myself off the ground and stepped inside the room, sliding the door shut behind me and kicking the curtains out of the way. All the lights were off in the room - it would almost be in complete darkness except for the glow and flashing of the TV.

"Do you have any paper?"

"Any what?" AJ was sprawled out on his bed and didn't even look up from the TV.

"Paper. You know, to write on?"

"Check the drawer," he said absently, motioning with a hand in the direction of the desk. I rolled my eyes and crossed over towards it, pulling open the drawers and rummaging through. I stared at the Bible there for a second and then moved it over to get to the tiny pad of paper.

"Pen?" I looked at AJ.

"Look over on the dresser."

I went to retrieve it and then came back to the desk, dropping into the chair and staring at the blank pad.

"What're you writing?"

I looked up. AJ was looking at me now. "Nothing."

He rolled his eyes to show he didn't care if I told him or not.

I stared at the page again, and it stared back at me, the light from the TV screen playing off of it.

I was writing to Brian.

I couldn't just leave. I think maybe if he hadn't come to talk to me the other day I would have been able to, but for some reason that night I couldn't just take off without saying anything. There was that possibility I wouldn't be ever coming back and I knew he himself would never do that to me. I knew it was something we owed each other. Respectfully.

But I didn't know what to say.

I stared at that paper for a long time before I started to write. I'm not even sure what I eventually decided to say, but it was something about leaving and needing some time, that we'd see each other again eventually. I don't know whether I meant in this world or the next when I wrote it, and I'm sure he wouldn't know either. That note had a lot of crap in it, I don't even know. But I know it said thanks for everything. That was the last line.

When I was done, I folded it into the smallest square I could and put it on the desktop. I stared at it even longer than I had thought about it.

"Aje?" I said finally.

"Mm."

"I gotta go get something, I'll be right back."

"Sure," came the absent answer.

I grabbed the folded paper off the table and headed for the door.

Brian was sleeping when I got to his room, and that was what I had been counting on. I didn't want to talk, anything. No last goodbyes, nothing. If that was the last time I saw of him, then let that be it. Talking would just ruin it.

I stepped across the carpet, holding my breath. I listened to the steady sound of his breathing as I made my way over to the other side of the room. Dropping down in front of his guitar case, I unclasped the locks along the side as quietly as I could and dropped the folded note on top of the guitar. I stared at it a second and then let the case fall closed, leaving the clasps open.

That was the one place he would find it.

And I was out of there.

I had to knock on AJ's door to get him to let me in, but as soon as the door opened I was ready.

"Let's go."

His brown eyes stared back at me sleepily and he glanced up the hall. "Yeah, okay. Git in here already."

"I'm leaving tonight."

"Tonight," he repeated.

"I'm going to the airport right now." I shifted from one foot to the other and waited.

He smiled suddenly, and he didn't look so tired. "Alright then, man."

And he let the door fall behind him, leaving the TV on and all.

-

The airport wasn't very crowded.

It felt strange to be there, just the two of us, middle of the night, no bags, nothing. It was weird. It was almost like this whole thing wasn't real. I would wake up and be back in the hotel, just sitting there, stuck there.

"Can I help you?"

Yes we needed help.

We were at the counter already.

"Where to?" AJ looked at me, voice low.

"You pick."

"No, you pick."

"No-"

"Excuse me?" The older woman at the counter cleared her throat. "If you don't mind ..."

"There's no one else here," I told her, waving my hand around. We were the along ones within ten feet of the desk. "Until then, you can relax."

I heard AJ chuckle. The woman just gave me a dirty look.

"Do you have anything to the Caribbean?" AJ asked finally. I think he was really set on that fantasy island retreat. It didn't sound so bad to me either.

The woman clicked in her computer for a few minutes. "I'm sorry, sir, we're booked until tomorrow. Would you like one of those flights?"

"No," I said quickly. Tonight, tonight.

"How about the Bahamas?"

The woman typed and clicked again. "No, I'm sorry. Same as the last."

"How about ... Bermuda?"

"There are travel agents," the lady said, not even typing it in this time. She looked at AJ, and he just stared back.

"Check."

Click, click. Scroll. "Nope, I'm sorry." She sure sounded sorry too.

We stood there a second, staring at her.

"Just give us anything. Two tickets anywhere."

She looked at me as if I were crazy. "Anywhere," she repeated.

I nodded. "Anywhere. The next plane going out with two empty seats."

"Sir-"

"C'mon lady, listen to the kid," AJ interrupted. "Next flight out anywhere."

"Alright ...," she said slowly, starting to type into the computer again.

"Preferably in this country," he added. She nodded absently and I leaned against the counter tiredly as AJ pulled out his wallet.

"Round trip?"

"No."

We were getting out of here.

"There you go," she said finally, sliding the narrow ticket envelope across the counter. She seemed almost reluctant to do so. "Do you have any luggage you want to check in at this time?"

"No thanks." AJ grabbed the envelope.

As we made our way to our departure gate, I finally had to ask. "Where are we going?"

AJ peeked at the tickets. "Hm. Well would you look at that."

"Where?" I repeated.

"Cali."

"For real?"

"Yeah. Far enough?"

"Not even," I mumbled. Nothing was far enough. I had a feeling that I was going to like being away a little too much. And if I didn't want to come back ...

"C'mon," AJ said suddenly, and pulled on my arm to rush me along. He must have just noticed the take-off time. "She seriously gave us the next flight out. We gotta run to make it."

We made it on the plane just as they were making the last call for boarding. As I slid into the seat by the window and looked down at the runway, I still wasn't even sure what I was doing. If you asked me why I wouldn't even be able to tell you.

The captain started his spiel as seatbelt sign popped on and I heard the sound of the plane's motors. AJ started singing to himself softly in that raspy yet smooth voice.

"Leaving ... on a jet plane ..."

Free, free, free. I tried to think what the heck we were going to do with ourselves when we got there.

" ... don't know when I'll be back again ..."

The runway was moving by us now as the plane moved out onto the strip.

"...oh babe, I hate to go ..."

I looked away from the window and shook my head. "I don't."

AJ stopped his song. "What?"

"I don't."

"Don't what."

"Hate to go."

"Oh," he chuckled hoarsely. "Me neither. No regrets."

No regrets? I had to think about that one. But I gave him a small smile.

"No regrets," I repeated.

-

"Rent a car or taxi?"

"Car."

"Find a place here or drive somewhere?"

"Drive."

"Rent a place or stay in a hotel?"

"Rent."

I didn't even have to think about the answers. It suddenly seemed pretty simple. Just go with the flow. Think on the moment.

This could work for awhile. I don't know how long, but awhile. I didn't really want to stop to think on things right then. I liked pretending that I didn't have any roots anywhere.

The car we decided on renting was a nice sporty one. AJ's credit card took care of it and I wasn't about to offer to pay for anything until he asked me too. I didn't feel like it.

"I'll drive," I said, snatching the keys out of his hand before he could even object.

"Psh," was his reply, but he let me get by to the driver's side without a fight. "Where are we going?"

"Wherever we are when I feel like stopping," I answered with a shrug, turning the keys in the ignition and revving the engine. It sounded good. Free, free, free.

"Alright." He sounded amused. "You can wake me when we get there."

"You might want to put on your seatbelt," I told him, sending a sideways glance in his direction as I pulled out of the spot and towards the parking lot exit. I was stepping on the gas already.

"It's a rental, Nickolas, treat it like one." AJ didn't bother putting on his seatbelt, he just leaned his seat backwards and closed his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah ..."

"I'm serious," he mumbled.

"No, you're not."

"Sure," he said with a laugh. "And technically you have to be twenty-five to drive rentals, so enjoy it now."

"Whatever." I took the exit for the highway and let my foot down on the pedal as soon as the car pulled off the ramp. It made a slight squeal.

"Nick." His voice was sharp.

"What?" Innocence. I didn't hear anything.

"Take it easy already."

"I am."

"You took it fucking seventy off the exit. Take it easy."

"I am," I repeated, annoyed. But I slowed it down a little. A little. "You take it easy."

"I'd rather not kill myself before we have a destination."

"Why not," I muttered, turning up the knob for the radio. AJ muttered a response and shut his eyes again. I slid the car into the fast lane and slowly put on the gas again.

Seventy-one, seventy-two, seventy-three.

One, two, three ...

I was so busy watching the speedometer I wasn't even watching the road.

One, two, three.

I didn't even notice my eyes drifting again.

"Nick. Nicky." AJ's voice almost sounded urgent.

"Huh?"

"Look at the road, man. Go as fast as you want, just look at the road."

"I am," I said softly. But the scary thing was, I didn't even notice when I wasn't.

"If you don't then I'm driving, dog."

"I'm looking at the road, geez. Go to sleep."

He muttered something again, but next time I looked at him his eyes weren't closed.

-

I kept driving.

I didn't know where I was going exactly, but that's half the reason it felt so good. Being able to drive forever with absolutely no destination in mind. There's nothing like it.

You could say AJ eventually put his life into my hands, because a couple hours into the trip and he was fast asleep with no more comments. So I kept in the fast lane.

It was weird because even though I had been driving for awhile now, it was still only afternoon. The next time I looked at the clock, I suddenly felt hungry.

"AJ, are you hungry?"

I was basically talking to myself.

I got off the next exit because it had a sign for McDonald's and I needed to stretch. When I pulled into the parking lot of the place, AJ was finally starting to show some signs of life.

"Good morning," I said, turning off the ignition and starting to pocket the keys. AJ twisted in his seat.

"Hey, could I see those for a sec?"

"Uh huh ..." I was confused but I dropped the keys into his outstretched hand.

"Thanks," he said with a smirk, pocketing the keys himself.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"AJ-"

"My turn to drive next, buddy. You had your fun."

"I was supposed to get us to where we were goin' ..."

"You can tell me where to go then."

"Man, c'mon."

He was already out of the car and heading for the fast food building. Damn.

"AJ, c'mon," I tried again when I caught up with him. His eyes were on the menu above the counter, obviously ignoring me. "Man ..."

"What do you want?"

"The keys."

"As in food."

"The keys."

"That's not food."

"Keeeys."

"Nick, shut up already. What's the big deal? You drove for like four hours. Take a break."

"I like driving."

"So do I. What do you want?" The line moved forward.

"Whatever you're getting," I muttered. I wasn't going to get my way.

AJ glanced at me after he put in the order and rolled his eyes. "You're gonna be all pissy now? Because I won't let you drive?"

"No." I didn't look at him.

"Yeah, you are."

"No, I'm not."

"Yeah. You are."

"Will you shut up?" I glared at him. Maybe the two of us being alone together wasn't going to be such a good idea after all. Like I said, there were times when we just really didn't like each other.

This, undoubtedly, was one of them. To be honest, he made me want to hitch a ride with the next truck I saw.

And now he was chuckling to himself, like he found me utterly amusing. I hated when people laughed at me. Especially when I wasn't laughing with them.

I glared at him more.

"Damn, will you loosen up already?" AJ knocked me in the side of my head, his chuckling replaced with an annoyed frown. "You'd think you'd lighten up a bit. We're in Cali, man. Away. Just me and you."

"Yeah, me and you," I answered absently, moving off the line to find a table. I don't care if I confused him sometimes. I confused myself most of the time.

-

"Hey, hey ..."

I jerked awake as someone shook my shoulder, opening my eyes tiredly. It took me a second to realize we were in the car. I didn't even remember falling asleep.

"You awake?"

I nodded, sitting up a little. It was dark outside.

"Clubbin' time, man," AJ said with a grin.

"Where are we?"

"Well ..." AJ leaned back in the driver's seat and rubbed his chin. "I'm not sure. I think I got you by the coast though, you like that?"

I nodded slightly, frowning. That morning seemed so far away.

"But anyway, time to meet the Cali girls, my man. C'mon."

"Huh?"

"You're still sleeping, aren't you. Wake up. We're going clubbing."

"We didn't even find a place to stay yet, did we? Did you?"

He shook his head. "We'll worry about that later."

"Okay ... Alright." I shrugged. Fine, it was fine. It wasn't like there was anything restricting us, right?

Inside the club that I never even got the name of, it was loud, crowded, and dark. Within minutes, I had lost AJ to the streaming people making their way to and from the dance floor. But it didn't bother me. In fact, right then I thought it was a good thing.

My main concentration was on making my way to the bar, which took the major effort of weeding through the people. This must have been a popular place. For some reason though, my main objective wasn't really on having a good time. It was more about trying to figure out what exactly I was doing.

Nothing a few drinks couldn't fix. AJ the key hog could be the designated driver.

Problem was, I couldn't get my mind to start thinking in the way I wanted it to.

I was nursing my ... well, not my first beer awhile later before I felt somebody move in next to me.

"Nicky, baby, hey! I want you to meet somebody ..."

And there went my designated driver. I squinted at AJ and the two girls he had with him, one on each side. He looked like a pimp. "Hi ..."

"This is ..." He looked at the girl on his right and mumbled a name. "And this is her friend," he added, motioning to the other one. "Girls, this is Nick."

"Hi," I repeated. They giggled. Alrighty then, the three of them were riding something major together. I shook my head and took a swig of my beer.

"Nicky, get this ... They." AJ cut himself off and then grabbed my arm. "They have this place nearby, you wanna go?"

"Man, what the hell'd you take?" I actually laughed. It wasn't funny though, I don't know why I did.

"You want to?" He let go of my arm suddenly and turned back to the girls. "You see? He wants to, I told you he was cool. C'mon. Let's get outta here."

What was he on?

I had no choice other than to follow them to the exit of the club. If AJ took off, I had no ride. I stayed a good two feet behind them, watching the three of them stumble around together. I wasn't so steady myself, but I had a feeling they were on something a little different than alcohol.

"Here, big guy, you can drive."

I took the keys from AJ uncertainly. "Aje ..."

"C'mon, these girls are fun. They know how to have a good time. We need a good time."

Yeah, we did. And I guess him saying that was what convinced me it was okay.

Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 2

I don't remember anything about that night at all after that. It all got a little blurry. I'm not sure what we did, but I woke up on a couch in a strange apartment and the only reason I knew it was morning was because of the sun streaming through the window.

I felt sick.

I glanced around the apartment, trying to figure out where the hell I was.

The place was a dump basically. And not only was it was it a dump, it was a messy dump on top of that. I didn't see anybody. Just crap.

I pulled myself off the couch stiffly and started to walk across the messy floor a bit unsteadily. There were two doors along the wall, one was a bathroom and one was a bedroom. No one was in the bathroom, so after I put it to use I went and peeked in the bedroom.

The bedroom was even messier than the main room where I had been. More crap everywhere. It made me tired and depressed just looking at it. Hell, I was tired and depressed to begin with.

I moved into the room, kicking myself a path. I stopped when I noticed that the little table by the window had a thin film of white powder on it. There was an empty little clear tube lying next to it on its side.

Damn.

I frowned and continued into the room. There was a familiar body sprawled out on the king sized bed.

"AJ, wake up, man." I was feeling a little nauseous and I just wanted to go someplace else. AJ didn't move. "Jay, wake up please." I shook his shoulder and when that didn't work I jumped the bed and hit him hard.

"Ow ..." He was awake. "Damn."

"Wake up," I commanded as he pushed me off to the other side of the bed.

"I'm awake, geez. What's the matter with you?" He sat up slowly and I could tell by the look on his face that he had a headache. He glanced around the room, looking a little lost himself. "Mornin'."

"Man, what'd we do?"

"Huh?"

"Last night, what'd we do? Do you remember?"

"Last night?" He laughed. "No man."

"Whose hell hole are we in anyway?" I leaned against the headboard of the bed and looked around the room. "Why're you in bed, did you screw somebody?"

He gave me such a look right then. I thought he was going to hit me.

"Do you even remember?"

"I think I would remember," he muttered, but he didn't answer the question. I rolled my eyes and motioned loosely to the table with my hand.

"Did you do that shit over there?"

"What shit? Oh ... that." His brown eyes took in the sight curiously.

"Did you?"

He chuckled. "I don't even know. Isn't that funny?"

"Real funny," I answered emptily.

"Must've been good." AJ was still laughing to himself softly. We were crazy.

"Man, you wanna get out of here?"

"I don't know, this bed's pretty comfortable, isn't it?"

I smacked him awkwardly. "Man, c'mon."

"Alright, fine, but-"

We were interrupted by a ringing. A cell phone ringing.

I frowned. Who's cell phone.

"It's your phone, dumbass," AJ said suddenly. He reached for me as if he was gonna try and find the cell himself but I pulled it out before he could even touch me.

I looked at it a second and was about to answer it when AJ grabbed it from me.

"Man, no."

"Why?"

AJ looked at the caller ID. "It's Brian," he said, quickly turning the phone off and letting it go. It cut off mid ring.

I stared at the phone as it dropped silently on the bed between us. It stared back at me and I swear it looked evil. I blinked quickly.

"Why'd you even bring the thing with you, man? You should toss it somewhere."

"Uh huh," I agreed absently. I wondered why Brian was calling.

AJ pushed himself up from the bed, covers falling free. I noticed something that made me a little relieved.

"Well, you still got your pants on."

AJ gave me a weird look as he got to his feet. "Your point?"

"You probably didn't screw somebody."

"Will you get off that?" He sounded annoyed.

"Yeah well, I just don't want those girls getting some kind of rare disease," I answered, getting off the bed myself. Just in time for AJ to lunge at me. Touchy subject. I scrambled toward the door in time to get shoved up against it face first.

"What the hell's your problem, Nick?"

I didn't answer. I was too busy having my face pressed against the wall.

"I don't get you, man. One second your fine and the next you're all weird," he said, pushing at me. "I don't care what the hell's going through your head but I'm the only one you got out here, so don't be giving me shit."

He let me go.

"I didn't screw anybody, understand?"

"I was kidding," I muttered, leaving the room. Geez.

I paced around the place for a couple minutes and then left him and the damn apartment, taking the elevator down the parking lot. I found the rental car, unlocked it, and sat in behind the wheel.

Damn.

He made it sound like it should be so important that he was the only person that I had out here, that knew where I was, let alone what I was doing. But he didn't now what I was doing. I could leave him right now, take the car and go crash off a bridge and he wouldn't even know the difference.

I put the key in the ignition and rested my hands on the wheel. I wondered what he would think about that.

"Going somewhere?"

I almost jumped at the sound of AJ's voice. I hadn't even heard the passenger door open or him get in.

"Maybe."

"Without me?"

"Maybe."

He seemed to nod to himself. "Yeah, alright, drive somewhere."

And I began to think that maybe he didn't understand me quite so much as I thought he had.

-

We found a place to stay before evening came and it was actually pretty nice. There was this fancy little apartment complex right on a sandy beach that was actually the first place we stopped to look at and it hit us for two main reasons.

One, it was furnished and since we didn't bring anything with us that was a plus, and two, the landlord was willing to let us rent for however long we decided to stay.

I liked it mostly because it was on the top floor of the complex and it had this huge balcony facing the water. Basically, it was a deal.

"Not too shabby, huh?" AJ fell onto the couch when it was finally just me and him, grabbing the remote for the TV and flipping it on.

I nodded to myself as I walked through the main room toward the balcony. But he couldn't hear me nod.

"Nick?"

"It's nice." I slid the thick glass door open and stepped out onto the balcony, welcomed by the breeze and the rumbling sound of the surf.

"You wanna go out tonight?" he called from inside.

I pulled a chair towards the end of the railing and acted like I hadn't heard him. He was talking over the sound of the television and the beach anyway. I sat down and leaned my head against the thin metal rails, trying to think. I needed to decide how long I was going to give myself to decide whether I would go back or just make it be over.

"Nick?"

Great, company on the balcony.

"What're you doing?"

"Thinking," I answered as he pulled another chair over next to mine. He didn't lift it so it scraped against the floor.

"You think enitrely too much, man."

"Yeah, well."

"What're you thinking about?"

"Stuff."

"Oh."

There was a minute pause and I didn't say anything. I just listened to the surf and tried not to think about anything at all. Nothing.

It was impossible.

"Did you know that if you can get yourself to think about nothing at all, then you can fly?" I glanced at AJ, waiting for an answer. His eyes were looking at the horizon, and I noticed he had put on his sunglasses.

"I thought if you thought of happy thoughts you could fly."

"That's Peter Pan. That's just a Disney movie, man."

"Oh, and this one's for real," he said sarcastically. "Do you think it's possible?"

"What, to think of nothing or to fly?"

"Either."

"I don't know."

"Like, if you cleared your mind of everything and jumped off this balcony, you would live."

I watched a seagull stepping into a little tide pool.

"You want me to test it out?"

He took a little too long to answer, but finally he just said, "No."

I nodded to myself slightly and leaned back into my chair. "What are we doing, man?"

"What do you mean, what are we doing- we're sitting here staring at the beach."

"No, I mean in the long run."

"I'm not thinking about the long run right now."

"What else are you thinking about?"

"Stuff," he said sarcastically.

Touché.

"Could you?" I said softly.

"Could I what."

"Think about the long run."

"What's there to think about, Nick? We either go back or we don't."

"And if we don't ..." I repeated questioningly.

"Then whatever. I don't care."

"Yeah, well I'd rather have something set in my mind that's all."

"You and your plans," he muttered.

"I don't have any plans."

"Exactly why you're freaking out."

"I'm not. I don't need plans. I just want to have an idea."

"Plans," he repeated.

"No, it's not. Plans are when you decide what you're doing and stuff. I just want to have an idea of two directions we could go."

"Plans, my man. Why're you getting so defensive about it anyway?"

"I'm not," I growled. "I don't need plans."

"Yes you do." He had this smug smile on his face.

"No. I don't." My voice was getting louder.

"You do."

"I don't."

"You do."

"Shut the hell up," I yelled, and I took a swing at him. I don't even know what was bothering me so much, but it was. I caught him in the shoulder because he moved out of the way, but he was already out of his chair and shoving me against the railing.

"Don't hit me," he said lowly, eyes narrowed behind his sunglasses.

"I will if I want."

The pressure of the railing into my back increased.

"Don't."

"Push me, man," I said seriously, staring him straight in the eye. "Go ahead. I'll think of nothing and you can go ahead and push me."

"Shut up."

"Go ahead. You know you want to. I want it too. C'mon. Push me."

He stared at me a minute. "Shut up."

"Go ahead."

He let me go and whacked me in the side of the head. "Shut your mouth. You don't even know what you're saying."

I pushed past him, going inside. I knew what I was was saying. He didn't know anything.

-

I missed this. Walking on the beach, by myself, alone. Nobody to talk to, nobody to listen to, being able to tune out and be in my own little world without anybody interrupting me.

It was nice.

The water was kind of chilly but I started walking in the shallow parts, just getting my feet wet. Before I knew it though my jeans were soaked up to about my knee but I really didn't care anyway so I just kept walking. I wasn't even in that deep I was just getting wet.

There were a lot of seagulls out on the beach. I read this book once a long time ago that had seagulls in it. It was really a long time ago so I don't really remember too many details about it, but it was about this one seagull who went from one world to the next higher world every time he died. I couldn't remember if he really died or not or what it was but he would like re-awake in a new world with a newfound knowledge.

It was a pretty nice idea actually. I wondered if that actually happened. Like when you died if you would become someone else somewhere else. That could be both good or bad, depending on where you re-awoke I guess. If that was possible. I mean, I believed in Heaven pretty much, but sometimes I wondered if you ever got to live down here on Earth again too.

I guess you really wouldn't want to, but it was an interesting idea. I think that if I had to live down on Earth again after I died, I would want to be a seagull.

But then after listening to them shrieking in the sky for a little while, I figured that their life probably wasn't all I was making it out to be either. Most people's lives aren't, so why would it be any different for seagulls.

They could fly though, and that had to be a plus.

And, if you had to clear your mind in order to fly, and seagulls spent most of their time flying, then they really couldn't be thinking about much at all. That might be a good thing.

I realized AJ was probably right about one thing. I thought entirely too much. Maybe being a seagull would be a good thing.

There was this jetti out on the lower end of the beach, just where it looked like it dropped off into nothingness. I liked it. Large stones jutted out of the sand to make a pathway out into the water, the waves crashing at the sides.

I started out on it, figuring that if I got caught out there and it was high tide then, oh well that would be too bad wouldn't it. Actually that wouldn't be too bad a way to go I thought, and the weird thing was that nobody would probably ever know. I glanced around, and no one was in view. Nobody would ever know.

I wondered if AJ would ever realize I was gone. He would probably go back home and when anybody asked about me he would just say how was he supposed to know. And to leave him alone.

I could see it all in my head.

When I got to the last part of the jetty that wasn't underwater, I sat down and stared out to sea. It was pretty awesome, being surrounded by water almost all around. I liked the fact that when you looked ahead it looked like the water went all the way to the ends of the earth. I guess in a way it did.

I was getting pretty wet now. I figured it was high tide after all, and I was pretty much soaked. I didn't really mind though, even though it was getting a little cold and my baggy jeans felt like they weighed a thousand pounds.

It was getting kind of late, but I didn't really want to head back to the apartment just yet. I scooted back a foot and waited for the water to catch up to me again, the wind blowing my hair back. It felt nice actually, I almost felt like staying there forever.

"Hey."

I jumped about a foot, jerking my head around. I had been too busy listening to the waves to realize that someone else had actually joined me on the jetti. A girl stood there, I guess a few years younger than myself, with her light brown hair pulled back and these empty looking blue eyes.

I didn't answer her, I just turned my head back to the ocean. I guess it wasn't really friendly, but I really wasn't in a very nice mood anyway.

"No one's ever been here before."

I glanced at her.

"I come here everyday at this time and nobody's ever been here before."

I shrugged. "Sorry."

"It doesn't matter," she said, and she sat down on a rock adjacent to mine. She let her feet in the water's edge. "I'm not going to be coming here much more anyway so it doesn't matter."

"Oh." I didn't ask why, and I didn't tell her that I probably wouldn't be coming here much more anyway either.

"It's nice, huh, when you're feeling kind of empty." Her eyes were focused on something far off into the distance that I had a feeling only she was seeing. "It kind of fills you up."

"Yeah. It does."

She glanced at me now. "It doesn't work forever. I mean, it's like drugs. Sooner or later they lose that first novelty, it wears off. You know what I mean?"

I nodded. Yeah, I did know what she meant.

"And then you can't find comfort anywhere anymore, can you." She sounded bitter.

"Nope."

"And then you just gotta let go. There's nothing holding you here anymore."

"I know what you mean."

Her head jerked around and a strand of hair fell into her face. It was soon caught by the wind. "You do?"

"Yeah," I muttered, and I started to get up. "Bye."

"Bye," she echoed, and I shook my head as I stepped around her carefully. The stars were coming out in the sky and I figured I would head back for the night. I was feeling a little confused.

-

"Is it raining?"

I glanced down at my wet clothes and then back at AJ staring at me from the couch. I shook my head slightly. "No."

"Oh." He took that as an answer, not even asking where I'd been.

I just shook my head again and shut the door behind me, bringing in some of the beach back with me. I kicked some of the sand off my feet and started toward one of the bedrooms. We hadn't called bedrooms yet but I figured first come first serve.

"Where you going?"

I paused in the doorway. "Bed."

"It's eight o'clock."

"Point?"

"You're tired?"

"No ..."

"Then why're you going to bed?"

"What do you care, man?"

He seemed to hesitate slightly. "I might be going out, you don't wanna come?"

I shrugged. I didn't really feel like going anywhere but bed.

"You're just gonna go to bed," he said slowly. I nodded and saw him roll his eyes. He muttered something. "Alright, man. Whatever."

Yeah, whatever. Have fun without me. I slipped through the doorway into the bedroom as I pulled my soggy shirt over my head. I tossed it to the side before crawling in under the covers and stretching out. I wasn't tired, but for some reason I felt like I could sleep forever.

There was a hand shaking me about five minutes later just as I was about to drift off.

Of course.

"Nick, listen a sec, hon."

I mumbled something incoherent and pulled a pillow over my head, trying to ignore him. Go leave. Go party. Go jump off a -

" ... - your phone on the night table. In case I call you for something."

"Why hell you call me?" I said into the pillow.

"Just because. I probably won't, it's just in case, alright? You can look at the number to see if it's me."

"Okay." The pillow made me sound really far away.

"Later," he said, and his hand pushed at my head when he left. I didn't answer. I just rolled over again and had to turn the pillow because it had gotten all wet from my hair.

I took a deep breath and tried to sleep again. It had been hard to sleep lately, but right then it didn't seem so hard. I just wanted to stay in bed. Stay in bed and never have to see anybody again.

And then I tried holding my breath. I wondered how many seconds it took before your body couldn't take it anymore. I had heard once somewhere that you couldn't kill yourself by holding your breath because you would pass out first and then you'd start breathing again in your unconscious automatically.

But there's an exception to every rule isn't there?

So I held my breath. Then I made myself get up and lock the bedroom door, get back in bed and hold my breath some more. It wasn't working. Either God had granted me the wonderful ability of being able to hold my breath forever, or maybe the critics were just right about something.

I gave up on holding my breath and just stared at the ceiling, trying to fall asleep or think of something to do with myself, whichever came first. Not surprisingly, it was sleep.

-

Ringing.

Stupid, annoying ringing. The phone was ringing.

Keeping my face down into the pillow, I fumbled around on the night table until my hand knocked into it. Clicking it on, I pulled it to my ear clumsily, expecting to hear AJ.

"Nick?"

Not AJ.

I jerked up, almost dropping the phone.

"You there? Anybody?"

Brian sounded lost. And he sounded really really far away. I almost said something to answer, but I didn't. I kept my mouth shut and waited, fighting the urge of wanting to hang up.

"Nick, listen ... If you're there? Man ..." There was a long pause, and I guess he didn't know what to say. "Listen, call me back and leave me a message or something to let me know that everything's okay, alright?"

That everything's okay. Did that mean not to call if everything wasn't?

My mind started racing when there was another pause. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. And here my best friend, or was my best friend, was or is, was on the phone and he wanted-

"I guess ... I don't know," he was saying in that slow way he and Kevin had. "I guess I'll try you later."

What did he want?

"Bye, buddy." There was a click as he hung up and I let the phone fall from my hand, taking a long breath.

Good God.

I was somewhere across the country and I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't have any plans. I didn't know what the hell I was going to do tomorrow. Or the day after that.

Or if I wanted there to be a tomorrow. Or a day after that.

I sank my head further into the pillow and let out a soft moan that stuck in my throat. Hot tears came, and as I started to hold my breath again I choked on a sob.

I was drained.

Over with.

Through.

That girl was right. After awhile, there was just nothing left anymore. The sooner people realized that and just left me alone, the better off we'd be.

-

Someone was knocking in my dream.

Knocking really hard.

It took me a second to make my way out of my half sleep filled world and realize it wasn't a dream. Somebody was knocking at the door hard as hell. I rubbed my eyes blearily and pushed off the heavy covers.

The person behind the door was having a fit as I unlocked the doorknob tiredly. The second it was unlocked the door crashed open and I had to take a step beck to avoid being knocked out.

"Why the fuck is the door locked?"

I shook AJ off of me, slightly surprised. "Huh?"

"Don't 'huh' me, man. I've been trying to fucking call you for hours!"

"Will you quit yelling?"

"I'm not even yelling yet," he answered angrily.

"What's your problem," I mumbled, starting to look around for my shirt. AJ caught my arm roughly and made me face him.

"My problem? My problem?"

I shook him off.

"I told you to keep your phone on because I might call. I call, you don't answer. For hours."

The phone ...

"Was there an emergency?" I asked absently. I found my shirt on the ground but it was still all wet. And sticky. I made a face at it and dropped it back on the floor. Who needed a shirt anyway.

" - back here and the friggin' door's locked. Do you know what crosses my mind, man? I'm sitting there thinking that something happened or some shit ..."

Didn't make him come back any sooner.

"-there's no body on the street beneath the balcony, so maybe you OD-ed in the damn room or something. And oh look, the door's locked and everything."

I stared at him, slightly comprehending. "Oh."

"Oh?" he repeated sarcastically. "That's all you say. Oh."

I stared at him a minute. "Did you have a good time?"

He stared back at me, and I thought he was going to scream.

"I wasn't going to do anything, AJ." But even as I said it, I wondered how I could be so sure. The truth was, I really wasn't.

"How am I supposed to know that. Good God, man."

"Geez man, it's not like you used to go out and broadcast to the world whenever you used to get all crazy."

"That was different."

"How?"

"It's different," he repeated.

I wasn't going to argue it. If he thought it was different, then fine. But I knew it was the same.

"What's it matter anyway? If you know or not? It's not gonna make a difference." I started to pretend I was looking for something, so that I wouldn't have to look at him.

"It does."

"Why?"

"Because we made an agreement."

"And what was that?"

"That we're doing it together, remember?"

I remembered back to the time on the balcony. It seemed so long ago, but it had only been a couple of days. And he was right. What a pact.

"You remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

"Don't break it then or I'll remember you as an asshole." He was teasing now.

I shook my head. "Sure, man."

He seemed to watch me for a minute. "What are you looking for?"

I hesitated in my imaginary search. "Nothing." I stopped and stood up straight. I had forgotten that I hadn't been looking for anything at all. I had actually started getting frustrated that I wasn't finding it.

AJ leaned back against the dresser. "It's kind of nice out here, huh? We can do whatever we want. Sleep when we want, go out when we want, eat when we want."

I nodded slowly. All that seemed so long ago. I remembered when management went through with the deal of when we were only to eat certain times of the day, and certain things. Truthfully I had thought the head of management had been an ancestor of the communist regime.

"Speaking of food, you wanna go get something to eat?"

"Not really hungry." I shrugged and rubbed my chin absently.

"You wanna do anything? Or you just going back to bed?" He was being sarcastic.

"Is that an invitation?"

"I'll let you know."

I didn't know whether he was serious or not so I just raised an eyebrow. It was the best defense. AJ chuckled slightly.

"Man, you missed out last night ..."

"What'd you do?"

"Just some shit."

"Sounds fun." I was being sarcastic, but I don't think he caught it.

"It was." He stretched his arms above his head and yawned. "Well if you're not doing anything, then I'm gonna go to bed."

I glanced at the clock. It was one in the afternoon. And he made fun of me for going in at eight.

"I"m going out," I said.

He shrugged. "Whatever."

-

I went to the mall.

I don't know why I went there, but I didn't really know where anything was when I was driving around so when I came across a mall I parked and got out without even thinking about it. Besides, I felt like walking around aimlessly rather than driving around aimlessly, and the mall was a good a place as any.

And so I walked. But I couldn't understand it. I wasn't having a good time out here and I just couldn't get it. It was making me mad. Here I was, across the country from everything I had thought was killing me, and it was like nothing had changed. I still felt the same way.

It didn't make any sense. It was like I couldn't win whether I was here or there. It was hopeless trying. Maybe I was just a borderline psychotic who wouldn't ever be happy anywhere.

That sure made the future bright. Worth living too.

I guess I was getting myself in a pretty lousy mood over the whole thing, thinking too much about crap. And I guess that didn't make me too friendly for people either, which is why when someone said my name I pretended I didn't hear them.

I lowered my head a little more and moved down the selection of CDs in the store. But ah, the persistence.

"Nick?"

Take a hint, woman. I didn't want to talk to anyone.

"Nick."

Ugh, it was louder. She was closer.

And then she grabbed my arm. "Nick, hold up."

I shook her off and forced a polite smile. "What."

"I knew it was you," she said with a victorious smile. It pissed me off.

"Congratulations, you want a trophy?" I started to move again.

"An autograph would be fine."

I stared at her and inwardly cursed the smug smile. I hated obnoxious people. I knew I could be pretty obnoxious myself yet I hated it in other people.

But if it would make her go away.

"Fine, what do you want me to sign?"

She started to dig a pen and a piece of paper out of her pocketbook. "You're supposed to be in Florida," she said, handing them over to me.

"Am I supposed to be?" I asked sarcastically, scribbling my name on the paper and handing it back to her. People knew where I was 'supposed to be' better than I did. "There."

"Yeah." She took it without even saying thanks. "You know, you could be a little nicer."

My eyes narrowed. "So could you."

"I guess what they say is true."

I was going to walk away but I hesitated. "What's that."

"That you're all a bunch of asses and you're basically breaking up because you can't stand each other." She paused. "You're all going down the drain. I bet that's why you're here."

Something swept through me at her words, but I didn't know what it was.

"- ... is it?"

I took a breath. "What?"

"Is that why you're here?"

"Is what why I'm here. I'm shopping."

She shook her head, and I didn't like the look I saw on her face. I didn't even know her, yet she had that 'I know you better than you know yourself' look. "You're not shopping," she said.

"Only because you and your shit is preventing me."

I was getting mad. But I wondered why I was letting her words get to me so much. I didn't even know her. She didn't know me. I didn't care what she thought she saw in me.

But for some reason, her words dug at me.

"Is it true you're depressed?"

What the hell. "No."

Her expression was doubtful. "Is that your opinion?"

Blood pressure, rising off the scale. Heart rate, speeding up.

"What the fuck do you want, a personal interview?"

"It's just a few questions, what's your problem?"

I frowned and she smirked.

"Or should I say problems." She emphasized the plural.

"Go to hell."

"So it is true."

"You know what, thanks," I said sarcastically. "You just helped me make an important decision right now. Something I've been debating with awhile."

She gave me a weird look and backed off. Too bad too late.

I left the store after that, in fact I left the mall. The fifteen minute drive was made in five, and I was still seeing red when I unlocked the door to the apartment and stormed inside.

"AJ, I made up my mind."

No answer.

"AJ," I repeated.

He was asleep. I looked in his bedroom and saw him dead to the world on the bed. I shook my head. Forget him. I muttered to myself and strode across the living room, yanking the glass doors to the side and stepping out on the balcony.

The wind was stronger today, and pulled at me as it made howling noises around the side of the building. I breathed in deeply and held it for a second, then I grabbed a chair and shoved it against the railing. It made a clanking noise.

No more. I stepped up on the chair. When I looked down over the railing, everything below was minuscule. It looked like a painting.

There were three cars in the street below.

One, two, three.

I shut my eyes at the count, remembering when that used to work.

Or had it ever? I couldn't remember.

Well, it would work this time for sure. I lifted one foot up onto the rail.

One ...

My eyes caught on a seagull.

Two ...

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"Don't touch me," I growled, but he already was grabbing onto me and even though he's smaller he's strong. He had me off the chair in a second. "I swear to God, AJ-"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" He shoved me and I stepped backwards in reflex.

"Get the hell off of me." My voice broke.

"You were gonna jump ..." He said it to himself.

"Don't worry, I was gonna think of nothing." Think of nothing and you fly.

He stared.

My back touched the wall and I slid down it weakly until I was sitting on the cold cement. And then I broke. I pulled up my knees and bowed my head down as a sob made its way into my throat. And then I couldn't stop.

"Dammit," AJ whispered. I didn't look up, but I felt him drop down next to me. "Nick."

I didn't like crying in front of people, even him, so I just covered my head with my arms and ignored him. I was crying a lot lately, and I didn't know why. For awhile, I could never cry. At anything.

"Nick. Quit it already."

It wasn't that easy.

"Sh. Did something happen? What happened?"

"I met this girl," I said into my arms.

"What? Man, I can't understand you if you talk like that."

That just made me cry harder for some reason, but I guess AJ took pity on me because next thing I knew he slung an arm around my neck and pulled me to him.

"What the hell happened."

"This girl."

"What about her?"

"She just said some shit." I shook my head and realized how stupid it was going to sound. I rubbed my eyes. "I don't know, man."

"You took to heart the words of some girl you don't even know," he repeated.

I shrugged. "She was right."

"I doubt it," he muttered. "Jesus, Nickolas. Does the word deal have any meaning to you anymore?"

"To hell with the deal," I muttered, sobs lessening. "It's not gonna work. We're never gonna agree on when."

He didn't answer for a minute, then he nodded.

"So you wanna go now? Alright then. The teeny was right. Let's go."

"Aje ..."

"What?" he asked, as if I interrupted something.

I shook my head at him and wiped my face with the front of my shirt. "Forget it."

-

I went for another walk. It's the best thing to do really, when you're feeling pissed off at the world, or at yourself, or if you're just feeling so many things at once that you can't even decide if you're pissed off or not.

I paused a minute and rolled my jeans up just under my knees so that I could at least walk with out them getting all wet and heavy. I squinted into the distance as I straightened up.

The water was kind of rough today and I guess that suited my mood because at that moment I really felt like smashing something. I was mad. Mad that AJ had stopped me, mad that he had had to stop me, mad that I had let that girl get to me.

Mostly I was mad that I had somehow let things get so crazy that the slightest little thing had me moving over the edge. Because I liked to think that I wasn't crazy. Not that I was normal necessarily, because there's no one named normal, but that I at least had things under control.

But as the curtains pulled away for the final act, it was becoming quite clear that that didn't seem to be the script. To be honest I had no clue what was in the script or how it was supposed to end. It was almost as if I had had screenwriters to my life up until this point and now they suddenly backed out with, "Hey let the guy handle it himself."

Well the guy wasn't doing such a great job of it so far, and I don't know what actually changed either.

I heard a low rumbling in the distance, over the sound of the crashing surf, and inwardly cursed. If it rained then I would be mad. All I wanted to do was walk. The sky didn't look too overcast, and even though the beach wasn't the greatest place to be in a thunderstorm I figured I would take my chances.

The jetti was a lot farther off than I had remembered it to be, and as I stood there absently kicking at the sand with my foot I saw the hazy silhouette of someone on its outermost rocks. I was surprised when I almost felt a sort of contentment at seeing her there. I hadn't been looking for company, but well, I don't know.

I started out on the rocks, feeling their roughness again against my feet. They seemed to absorb the cold, and as I watched the water lap angrily at the jetti's edges I heard the distant rumble of thunder again.

I was almost to the end when she looked up.

"I was wondering if you'd be back."

"Me too." I almost wasn't. I sat down and stared out at the vast blue and green espanse, not looking at her.

"You look mad."

I shrugged.

"Not mad?"

"I'm not sure what I am." I glanced at her and she was nodding slightly, her eyes on that invisible point in the distance.

"Yeah."

I smiled slightly, only for a moment. She glanced at me and our eyes met for a split second.

"So what's holding you here."

"You know, I'm still trying to decide." I shook my head, pulling my knees up to my chest at the wind ripped around me. "What about you."

She got a weird look on her face. "Fear. That's what's holding me."

Fear.

"I better go," she was saying suddenly. "Storm."

I watched as she picked herself off rocks, not moving yet. I looked out and watched a wave's descent and then turned my head quickly. She was almost out of earshot.

"Wait ..."

She turned.

"Are you ..." I pushed back my hair as the wind blew it forward. "Are you gonna be here tomorrow?"

She nodded slightly. "Yeah."

I nodded and turned my head away. I wanted to sit for awhile longer.

-

Staying longer only made my journey back to the apartment a race, mostly because by the time the thought of moving even crossed my mind, the pelting rain was already on me. So I was forced to sprint blindly back to the place and hope I didn't get hit by lightning.

And whether fortunate or not, I didn't. I used my key to get inside the lobby and headed straight to the elevator, dripping all over the tiles. Luckily nobody else was coming in at that point so I took the time in the elevator to peel off my wet shirt and start wringing it out. All over the nice carpet in there too, oh well.

By the time I got to our door I was freezing but I wasn't about to put back on a wet shirt. I had gotten more soaked than the other day.

I dug my key back out of my wet pants and opened the door, quickly moving inside. I was leaving a wet trail.

AJ was sitting on the couch in the main room when I came in, watching something on TV. He glanced up at my entrance, just watching me.

"Yes, it's raining." I said it before he could even ask this time. It was almost useless to say though- you could obviously hear the pounding of rain on the roof, you could see it through the window, and even as the words were out of my mouth a big crash of thunder shook the place.

"Thanks for letting me know."

"Yeah." I just stood there, dripping wet and staring at him. I'm not sure why.

He kept watching me. "Go take a hot shower."

That sounded pretty good actually. A nice hot shower. I shivered slightly and started towards the bathroom, wiping my face with my wet shirt. I could think later, right now I was just going to take a shower.

I stayed in there awhile. As if that could wash away everything that was bothering me, everything that was going wrong. As if when I stepped out of the shower I would be able to start new.

But when I finally opened the bathroom door and stepped out of the hot steam, the sinking feeling was back to my stomach as soon as the cooler air hit me.

I sighed and headed to my my room slowly to get dressed. After taking my time in that I draped the wet towel over my head and headed back out into the main room. AJ hadn't moved.

"Better?" He looked at me.

I shrugged. Better than what.

"You just gonna stand there?"

I gave another shrug and AJ rolled his eyes.

"C'mon." He grabbed the towel off my head and twisted it, swiftly hitting me with it right on the seat of my pants. "You can sit with me, man. It won't kill you."

I just rolled my eyes at him and grabbed the towel back, plopping down on the couch with a sigh.

"You got a call before."

"I did?" I looked at him now with a frown. "What, my phone?"

"Yeah."

"Did you answer it?"

"No."

"Who was it?"

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Guess."

"Just tell me." I had a feeling.

"Rok."

And the feeling was right. My stomach did a little churn. "Oh."

"Oh," he repeated. "Yeah. So I threw out your cell."

"You what?" I swung my head around at him with an incredulous look. I took a deep breath, trying not to get worked up. "You're such a dick, AJ."

He started to chuckle.

"You dick," I repeated. I took the towel off my head and hit him with it, glaring. Why was he laughing? I hit him again harder and he grabbed onto the other end.

"Man, I didn't throw it out. Hell. If you noticed, it was on your bed."

"Oh." I sat back, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"Psh." He tugged at the towel. "And what's it matter, kid? You're not gonna call him back anyway."

He seemed to be waiting for an answer to that but I didn't say anything.

"Are you," he repeated.

I shrugged.

"What's that supposed to mean."

"It means I don't know. I don't fucking know, AJ, okay?"

He gave me a weird look then, as if to say 'why are you getting pissed at me for'. I didn't have an answer for that either.

"Is this the first time he called you here?"

I wasn't about to lie to him. I shook my head.

"Did you talk to him the other time he called?"

I shook my head again, shutting my eyes.

What was I doing.

"I don't know what to tell him, man," I mumbled, pulling my towel from him. He let me have it, and I draped it back over my head, liking the cool damp feeling even though I was cold.

AJ wasn't answering me. I opened my eyes and glanced at him. He frowned.

"What? Why you looking at me like that?"

"You're supposed to tell me what to do."

He let out a hoarse laugh. "Yeah right, man. As soon as I figure out something for myself I'll let you know." For some reason, that scared me.

"You think I should call him back?"

"He's gonna call again, man. You know that. There's no need for you to call him."

"Well then should I talk to him if he calls again?"

AJ shrugged. "Are you planning on going back there?"

I couldn't answer that. I rubbed the side of my face tiredly. I didn't know. I just wanted to go to bed for a long, long time. Forever. I almost wanted to take another shower and see if it would work this time.

"Nick?"

"I dunno."

"Well if you're not, then don't."

If you're not, then don't. Interesting. I thought about that for a minute but it didn't help me out at all. My mind felt like it was short circuiting.

"Aje?"

"Mm?" He was flipping channels on the TV and I don't think he really wanted to listen to me ramble anymore. I leaned my head back and studied the ceiling.

"What about you?"

"What about me."

"Are you going back?"

He shrugged, not looking at me. "Dunno."

I think we were both at dead ends.

"If we do go back, do you think things will be different?"

This time he shrugged. "You got a lot of questions, man."

"Yeah well I think too much, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember."

We didn't talk much after that. I can't even remember what was on the TV, I just sat there staring at it and not really paying attention to much of anything. I was thinking, but I don't even know what I was thinking about. It was like when you try real hard to concentrate on one thing and you just can't settle on anything.

"AJ," I started suddenly, but when I looked up he wasn't there. I was alone.

I frowned slightly and noticed the TV was off. The screen was dark and empty. I hadn't even noticed the sudden silence that had been looming for who knew how long.

The towel was still on my head so I pulled it off and got up from the couch, feeling kind of dizzy. I guess I was trying too hard to think or something.

The rain was still pelting the roof. I couldn't even see beyond the balcony, it was coming down so hard. I was trying to figure out what to do with myself when a flash of light momentarily lit up the outside and I saw a shadow out on the balcony.

So he hadn't left me after all.

I headed toward the sliding doors, I don't know why. When I had his company I really didn't want it, but when I was alone it was even worse. So I figured what the hell.

It took a bit of strength to slide the thick glass open against the wind, even just enough to let me out. It shut easily behind me. Once out there, it was so loud. The ripping, pounding, booming ... AJ didn't even know I was there. Until I grabbed the back of his neck, which made him jump about a foot.

He glared at me and said something but I could barely hear him, the surf and wind and rain was so loud.

"You left me," I told him, sliding one of the metal chairs a little closer. They were all wet even with the overhang, but I sat down anyway. I didn't really care.

"You were like a zombie," he muttered, still giving me a dirty look. "I was talking to you and you didn't even hear me."

I didn't answer.

"Besides I really don't feel like talking anymore."

Oh. Well that was fine. I didn't feel like talking anymore either. I moved my chair a little closer to the railing and leaned forward against the bars.

"You're gonna get struck by lightning."

"Good," I muttered.

"Right, there's another option you haven't thought of. It'll look like an accident. Hell though, dog, it might not even kill you. You'll just be brain-fried."

I was moving my chair back just so he would shut up. He just watched me for a second.

"You gonna go out some place with me tonight, man?"

I shrugged. "Where."

"Somewhere. Anywhere."

"I dunno."

AJ rolled his eyes. "See that's your problem. You never do anything. There's other things instead, man, to forget about shit. Sure they wear off, but in the meantime ..." He smiled slightly.

I nodded slightly, out of habit.

"Come with me tonight, we'll have some fun. Forget about some shit. Forget about being here."

I shrugged again. "Maybe."

"What're you gonna do then by yourself. Sleep?"

"Maybe," I repeated, a little annoyed. He shook his head.

"Come with me then. You still haven't met any California girls, man, we'll change that tonight."

California girls. Sounded fun. But for some reason, it wasn't getting me excited.

-

"Her name is Lola!"

AJ had to scream to be heard over the pounding club music, and as I looked at the girl hanging off of his arm and the one he was introducing to me, I began to wonder why it was that I came out with him again. I must have had some rationale.

Lola's brown eyes weren't focusing.

"Hi, I'm Lola," she repeated, as if I didn't hear AJ the first time. I didn't bother giving her my name. Lola, Lola, that sounded familiar. That song.

"Are you a showgirl?" I kept a serious face.

"I'll be your showgirl," she answered with a giggle. And I guess she thought that I had accepted her because she immediately latched on to my arm. I glanced around for AJ, but he was already gone. Somewhere in the crowd.

I don't know what club we were at this time, for all I knew it could have been the same one. Dark and crowded. All the people were too close together.

"You want a drink?" I asked Lola. I'd already had several drinks and I'm sure Lola had her share too but she readily agreed. So I weaved my way toward the bar with her hanging heavily off my arm.

Lola wouldn't let go off my arm. I gave her one of the 'house specialties' I had gotten and took a sip of my own. It burned as it went down but I immediately wanted more.

"So what do you do?"

"Do?" My head was buzzing.

"For a living, you know." She sagged on my arm, like she couldn't walk anymore. I was tempted to let her drop and leave her there to be stepped on.

"I live off my wealthy parents inheritance."

"Oh." That stumped her. Good. No more questions.

Unfortunately she seemed to perk up with that drink.

"Wanna dance?"

"Not really." I didn't really feel like being there.

I let her drag me out to the floor and was able to dance for about five minutes before I couldn't take it anymore. It was too crowded, too hot, and too much was spinning. Maybe I should have eaten something.

"I'm gonna go," I mumbled, starting to pull away from her.

"Already?" Lola kept on dancing. She was a maniac.

"Yes." I basically pushed her away, but only because she just wouldn't let go of me. I had to wait for the room to spin a little slower before I started walking.

Walking and looking for AJ.

One, two, three people asked me to dance. I ignored them. By the time I stumbled upon AJ I was so mad in my head that I almost didn't even see what he was doing.

"AJ, I wanna go."

"Nick! Hey, buddy c'mere." He hadn't heard me. He was still with that girl, and some other people too. "Listen-"

I wasn't listening, I wanted to go. Something rushed through my head, making me mad. As AJ went on about something stupid I grabbed his arm, starting to pull him up from the table.

"Shit Nicky you made me drop it," he was mumbling. As I held onto his arm, I watched the pale powder fall to the floor like snow and suddenly realized what he was doing. It floated down in slow motion, a minute whirlwind.

"Aje, I wanna go ..."

"Dammit man, I'm having a good time. You always ruin good times." His voice was jarbled and hoarse. "Okay, let's go. Let's go back to the balcony and take a giant step for mankind. We can -"

I stopped paying attention to him. I just wanted to get out. The people he left behind seemed to be angry or something, but all I heard was irritated voices in the back of my mind as we cleared out of there.

"And float down," AJ was saying as I pushed him toward the car. I started digging through my pockets for the keys but I wasn't coming up with them.

"You have keys?"

"I'll drive." He started coming around to the driver's side of the car but I pushed him back.

"Just gimme the keys."

"You're soused."

"So're you."

"Nicky."

"I'll drive, you always drive."

He looked at me a second, kind of confused like, but he tossed the keys over. My coordination wasn't very good at that point though and they clattered to the ground.

AJ chuckled to himself and moved around the other side of the car as I crouched down to pick them up. That made me majorly dizzy but I finally got myself behind the wheel and stared straight ahead, breathing deeply.

"Go ... c'mon." AJ snatched the keys from my limp hand and shoved them in the ignition blindly. "You didn't drag me out of there to sit in the friggin' car all night," he said as the engine roared to life. "Music, I need music."

I sat there as he turned the radio louder and started flipping stations. Music, music.

"I told Brian we were writing a song." I don't know why I said it, it just popped into my head.

"Huh?" AJ gave me a confused look and went back to the radio.

"I said we were gonna finish it on vacation."

"You're not making sense."

Nothing was making sense. I rubbed my eyes and face with my hands. "We were gonna finish it on vacation," I said a little more intensely.

"Yeah well we're on vacation and there's nothing to finish." AJ found a song to his liking and blasted the volume up, ignoring me.

Nothing to finish? Hell, there was something to finish. We just couldn't agree on when. I suddenly shoved the car into reverse and stepped on the gas.

I don't know how I got us back to the apartment, but it was as if I blinked and the next thing I could remember being conscious of was coming into our place, stepping through the door. Everything was blurry.

"Come on." AJ was pulling me forward, pulling me towards the sliding glass doors and yanking them open. The chill wind hit my face and I blinked, stepping through as if slow motion. "You ready, baby?"

"Ready for what?" I rubbed my eyes again, pushing back my hair and trying to get a good look at him. Everything seemed to be moving out of focus.

"We'll even count off like you like to do."

Count off? My stomach twisted.

"Hell, why don't we count backwards, huh? We'll start on three. Ready? Three ..."

"AJ?" My voice sounded really far away.

"Two ... Wait, we gotta get up here don't we?" He jerked two of the metal chairs forward, pushing them against the rails as they scraped loudly against the floor. He was still holding on to my arm.

"Aje, no ..."

"No?" He spun on me. "No? What, now you don't agree? I'm ready man, take it or leave it."

I hesitated and shook my head slowly, pulling back slightly against his hold. He was making me nervous. "Not like this ..."

"Not like this? What is fucking wrong with this, huh? I'm ready, man. I want it."

I couldn't talk.

"It doesn't always have to be your way, okay? It never is, you just always want it to be."

Never my way. This was my way.

"Let's go. Three ..."

It was all backwards. Him counting backwards almost made sense.

He stopped. "Why, Nick?" He was getting angry.

"Because ... I can't think."

"Think? You don't have to think, you have to jump," he said. His voice was all raspy.

"No, no ..." I started shaking my head hard. "I have to think. I have to know what I'm doing. I want to know what I'm doing."

"We're gonna end it, that's what we're doing. We're gonna stop everything. Make it all go away. Gone. Forever." He was rambling now. It was all mixing together. "Fly away ..."

I stepped backwards, pulling away from him.

There was a long minute of silence.

"You know ..." he said, and now he sounded near breaking. "I thought coming out here ... I thought we could take some time off and come back and that would fix things."

I watched him carefully, feeling kind of dizzy. A wave crashed down on the beach.

"But now I'm not so sure."

I stared at him, swallowing slowly. My mind was too cluttered to answer.

"Look at us, man," he spat. He kicked at the chairs and they moved with a clatter against each other. I looked at the chairs instead of him. "Damn, look at us."

"I'm gonna go to bed," I said slowly, fumbling behind me for the door's handle. I got a hold on it and slid the glass open little by little, watching him carefully. I don't know why I did, nothing was making sense. "I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Good night," he said bluntly, turning his face away from me. I just slipped inside through the door and left it open behind me, I guess in a way thinking he was going to come in too. I don't know what I was thinking.

-

Morning.

I had woken up, but I didn't open my eyes. I think I had been hoping I wouldn't wake up. That would be the easiest. I wouldn't even ever know because I would never think again.

I think the first sign that something's not going right is when you wake up in the morning and you just don't want to get up. You wake up and without any thought of anything crossing your mind, you already have that heavy, pitless feeling in your stomach.

And then you tell yourself that you don't care about anything, and it still doesn't go away.

Something had to be very wrong.

I opened my eyes finally and when the clock on the night table came into view I realized it wasn't even morning at all, it was afternoon. Late afternoon.

I didn't like being alone. Although oftentimes all I wished for in the world was to be alone, I didn't like it. Maybe it was because I hardly ever got that wish.

But I did now.

"AJ?" I knocked before I pushed open his door but it didn't make a difference. He was sound asleep, sprawled across the bed like there was no tomorrow.

Yeah, no tomorrow. I stared at him for a few minutes.

"You're a dumb shit," I told the sleeping AJ. He didn't answer. I was going to leave the room then but something caught my eye on the dresser. His cigarettes.

They always seemed to make him relax some. So I grabbed the pack, looking inside. Three left. I snatched the silver lighter off the tabletop too and headed to the door.

He let me smoke one time when I was a kid but basically it just made me sick and what was supposed to be our little secret just turned into a mess. It never interested me much after that. He was never a heavy smoker himself, just on and off. More sometimes than others.

I slid open the balcony doors and started to think that last night had been some sort of dream. A weird dream. But as I stepped outside I saw the two chairs up against the rail. Not a dream.

I grabbed one of them and pulled it back a little so I could sit down. The beach looked empty. I slid one of the cigarettes out of the pack and then dropped the package on the floor before lighting up.

It took one tiny puff from the thing and I started coughing. Didn't exactly make me feel better. I waited for a minute and then tried again. Not as bad.

I heard the door being slid open but I didn't look back. No more alone. Actually, we were both alone together.

"Hey."

"Hi," I greeted, but I started coughing again. Yeah, that looked cool.

"Don't suck in so much." AJ started pulling back the other chair, sinking into it as he watched me. "Hell buddy, don't even start. Can I finish that?"

I handed it over to him.

"You woke up and just decided to start smoking?"

"You seem to like it."

He shrugged. "It's not that I like it. I can't help it."

Yeah right.

"I have such a headache," he muttered, taking a long drag on the cigarette. "Migraine."

"Me too."

"Yeah, huh. I was gonna keep sleeping but I couldn't 'cause of the damn headache."

I didn't answer. I knew I didn't have to. He would keep the conversation going anyway.

"Did you have fun last night?" He wiggled his eyebrows and I frowned slightly.

"Last night?"

"Mm-hm."

"Fun?"

"Yes, Nick. Fun. F-u-n."

I had a feeling AJ didn't remember a lot of last night. I just shook my head slightly.

"Oh that's right, you never have fun. Sorry, I forgot."

I frowned. "I have fun."

"When?"

"Lots of times. I always have fun. I make fun."

AJ stared at me for about a second before he started laughing. "You make fun," he repeated. He took another drag of the cigarette.

"Yes."

"How do you make fun?"

"Well, for one, I try not to hang out with you too much." There, I literally made fun.

His smile faded. "Thanks a lot."

"I'm kidding. I don't know, man." I looked out across the beach. "You wanna go swimming?"

AJ just shook his head. "Not really... You notice there's never anyone on this beach? It's always empty."

"That's not true."

"I haven't seen one person."

"I have. Besides I like it empty."

AJ shrugged. "Yeah. I guess I do too."

-

"So um, where do you live?"

She pointed down the beach, past where I had ever been. "See that little place over there?"

I could hardly make anything out.

"It looks like a shack sort of?"

"Okay," I said.

"That's where I live," she said absently. "My sister and I. We've been there a couple of months now. You?"

"Up there." I motioned the other way up the beach. You couldn't see it from here anyway. I let my feet into the cool water.

"By yourself?"

"With my brother."

-

"You hungry?"

"No." I didn't even look up from the TV. The weather was on for God's sake.

"You wanna go out somewhere?"

"No."

"You wanna do something?"

"No ..."

"You just gonna sit there?"

"No." I had stopped paying attention to his questions.

"Then what're you gonna do?"

"No," I said absently.

AJ plopped down on the couch next to me. He was going stir crazy. He couldn't stay inside for long periods of time. Unless he was doing something. He had to be doing something. "Nick?"

I looked over at him. "Yeah?"

"What's up."

"Nothing."

"And what do you plan on doing with the rest of your day?"

I shrugged.

"Sitting there?"

"Maybe."

"That's all you ever say. It's always maybe. Decide on something for once. You're always stuck between things. Stuck between everything."

I rolled my eyes. Thanks for clearing that one up, AJ.

"Like are we staying are going?"

"Going where," I said without thinking.

"Back, Nick."

Oh. My stomach sort of twisted. "I don't know ..."

"Maybe, right?" His rough voice was sarcastic. "How long is it until maybe turns into some sort of answer?"

"I don't know ..." I repeated softly.

"Well I don't know either, man." He leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling as if there were some sort of answer up there. "We can't stay here forever."

"I know that."

"And the longer we stay here the more shit there'll be if we go back."

"I know, AJ."

"Then?"

"What the hell do you want me to say, AJ? You wanna hop on another plane tomorrow? Try someplace else? It's just gonna be the same. Here, there, or back."

"So you want to end it?"

"That's not what I said." My voice sounded sharp. I shut my eyes and quickly counted to three. But when you're the only other person in a conversation, it's not exactly going to end without you.

"Wake up, Nick."

I ignored him.

"Look Carter, all I'm sayin' is-"

Ringing interrupted him.

I opened my eyes. "Where's my phone," I demanded. I was tired of trying to figure out something. I was going to answer it.

"Leave it," AJ muttered. It was on the second ring.

"Where is it." He didn't answer. "I wanna talk to Brian, AJ, where's the fucking phone?"

"It's your phone, how the hell should I know?"

I got up from the couch and tried to follow the sound of the ringing. I was starting to get frustrated as it hit the fifth ring.

"Nick, don't bother," AJ said as I finally came across it.

I shook my head and flipped it on. "Hello?"

There was a pause.

"Brian?" I tried.

Something inside me sank as the woman on the other end asked if Marla was there.

"Wrong number," I muttered to her, flipping it off and tossing the thing. Son of a bitch. I finally answer and it's even him. "Dammit." I looked up.

AJ was watching me carefully from the couch, his expression unreadable. "Sorry," he said finally.

"Whatever." I gave the coffee table a kick as I left the room.

-

We just sat there. I don't know why I kept coming back, but for some reason I did, and so did she. Everyday.

She watched that invisible point in the distance and I watched the waves washing in and washing out. A piece of light driftwood floated out to sea, caught up in a current.

It was cold. The water was cold, the air was cold. The rock I was sitting on was cold. I saw the darkening on the horizon as twilight moved in and I started to get to my feet without saying anything.

"Hey," she said suddenly.

I paused and looked at her, balanced between two rocks. A wave crashed down in the second silence, and I felt a light spray of salty mist from the wind.

"I'm not afraid anymore."

I watched her face for a minute but she had already turned her head back the other way. I frowned slightly, not saying anything in response. No more fear. I started moving but this weird feeling went through me and I paused, looking back.

"See you tomorrow," I said.

She didn't look up from her distant point.

-

"Nick?"

I glanced up, breaking my gaze from my cell phone. It just sat there on the coffee table, silent. I don't know why I thought staring at it would make it ring, but that's what I was doing.

"You know, looking at the thing all day isn't going to make it ring."

"I know."

"Then?"

I shrugged and gave the phone another glance. "You think he's gonna even call back?"

It took a second for him to answer. "Probably, man."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"Then he doesn't." Simple words. If he didn't then I could pretty much assume that the best friend I left on the other side of the country had given up on me.

I shook my head. "Well if he doesn't then I'm not going back."

"And you reasoning would be ..." AJ's voice had this tired tone.

"If he doesn't care, AJ, then I'm not ..." I trailed off, my 'reasoning' sounding stupid even to me. I decided to put it simply. "If he doesn't call, he doesn't care."

"So his not calling, that means he doesn't care," AJ repeated.

I gave a slight nod.

"You care about him, yes?"

I made a face. "Well, yeah, of course."

"I don't see you calling him."

I was silent for a minute. "That's different."

"It's not. Your reasoning sucks," AJ said flatly.

I couldn't exactly argue that. "It's different," I repeated.

"Suit yourself, Nicky." He leaned his head back and shut his eyes as he said it.

I watched him for a minute, listening to the silence in the room. "You okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

"I don't know. You just seem ... tired or something." Or something. He'd been acting kind of down lately.

"I am tired," was all he said.

I nodded, I guess mostly to myself because he couldn't see me with his eyes closed. "Are you going out tonight?"

"No."

I frowned slightly. AJ went to the extremes sometimes. One day all he'd want to do was party, and the next ... he would be like this.

"Are you gonna?" he asked, his eyes still shut.

"No."

Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 3

She wasn't there.

For the first time since I don't know how long, the rocks were empty. The whole beach was empty. There was no silhouette sitting on the rocks, nothing.

I blinked, expecting to see something appear, but nothing. No one.

I guess I could have told myself to be happy that I finally had the place to myself, since that was what I convinced myself I came here for everyday- to be alone. But even though I came here to be alone I had gotten used to the fact that someone else was trying to be alone here too. Someone who maybe understood some things, and even though we hardly even talked maybe understood me.

But there was no one else there, and there was still no one else coming as I slowly started out on the rocks. I kept glancing behind me, but no one was there.

I sank onto a rock at the end, letting the rushing sound of the waves fill everything. But I was distracted.

Not afraid anymore. Not afraid, not afraid.

She had said she probably wouldn't be coming back here much even on day one, but she had. I hadn't thought I would be coming back either. Maybe we were both kind of curious to see who would stop first.

I swallowed slightly. If only I knew if her not coming back would mean the same thing as if I didn't come back.

Not afraid.

I wasn't afraid either. Well maybe. I didn't think I was.

I watched as a pelican dove down into a water, burying its whole head under the wave. When he came back up floating, he tossed up a fish and swallowed it whole.

I wasn't so sure about anything anymore.

For awhile I just sat there, not really thinking about anything. Just thinking and sometimes singing to myself because I knew that no one could hear me. I told myself I liked being alone. But after awhile I started to get up.

Okay, so she didn't come. No big deal. I didn't even know her really, not at all. I didn't even know her name, nevermind anything about her. And I didn't want to know either. I didn't want to have anything to do with her. It had been fine when she was around, but it was fine now too.

But somehow I couldn't get the worry out of the back of my mind, even for someone I didn't know. As I hiked over the last few rocks and let my feet sink into the sand, I thought for a second and then instead of starting back in the direction of the apartment, I moved the other way, the part of the beach where I hadn't been.

It was a long walk, but after a little while I was looking at the weathered and gnarled looking old shack-like house that she had pointed out to me.

I started over the fence that separated it from the beach. I could only hope that she hadn't lied and I would be coming face-to-face with a eight-foot ogre wielding a shotgun.

But it was quiet and dark, and no one seemed to really be around at all. I wasn't sure why I came there to begin with, maybe just curiosity, but I made myself go to the front and knock at the craggy old door.

I don't know what I was hoping for, but I kind of felt relieved when no one answered. If someone had I don't know what I would have said.

I kicked at the dirt walkway as I made my way away from the door. Maybe they moved.

Then something caught my eye. The mailbox.

Without thinking I pulled it open and drew out the only piece of mail in there. I flipped it over and read the name. Bowen.

"Hey!"

Oh geez, the ogre was real. I quickly shoved the mail back in the crooked box and pushed it closed. But when I spun around, someone was in my way.

A unshaven, older man was frowning. The owner of the gruff voice. "Can I help you?"

I shook my head slightly, a little nervous.

"That's tampering with US mail."

I was silent. I didn't know what to say to the guy.

"That's a federal offense."

"I just wanted the name."

"Bowen. Anything else?"

I started to shake my head and then stopped. "Where'd they go."

The man studied me for a minute and wiped his hands on his already dirty jeans before clearing his throat. "Hospital. Jenny told me watch the house 'cause the younger one's hurt."

"Hurt?"

"Yeah," he said gruffly. "Hurt. Now get out of here before I call the cops."

"How's she hurt?"

"Look kid, they keep their own business, I keep mine." He gave me a little push. "Go."

I didn't want to argue him on it, so I just headed back in the direction I had come from, a new feeling in the pit of my stomach. When I was on the sand I started back toward the apartments, my pace quicker than normal.

By the time I reached the building I was breathing heavily. I dug quickly through my pocket for the key to let me in and then hurried across the lobby for the elevator.

Top floor, top floor. I sprinted down the hall and unlocked our door.

"Aje?"

He didn't answer me but he was laying on the couch inside, half-asleep and smoking a cigarette with this lost look on his face. He'd had that look a lot lately.

"Aje ...?" I slowed my pace with him, still trying to catch my breath. "AJ?"

"Go 'head," he mumbled. "Whatever you wanna do, go 'head."

"AJ."

"I said go a-fucking-head, Nick."

"Bone?"

He finally looked up, taking a long drag on the cigarette. "What."

I sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch, leaving forward slightly and trying to think. Think of what exactly I wanted to say.

"What," he repeated. He sounded detached.

"Can you come to the hospital with me?"

He blew out smoke at me. "You don't need two people to voluntarily check yourself into the psych ward."

"I'm being serious."

"So am I," he muttered, shifting down so that he was lying down flat. "Nick, I don't feel like going anywhere."

"But I want you to come." Now.

"I don't feel like going anywhere," he repeated, his voice gruff. "Especially a hospital."

"Please, I wanna go now. Before it's too late, AJ, please."

"What the hell you want to go there for."

"Visit somebody."

"You don't know anybody out here."

"I do ..." Kind of. Don't ask their name. "I want you with me."

"Why."

"'Cause I want you with me."

"Why."

"One favor, man."

AJ rolled his eyes, pushing himself up tiredly. I smiled slightly. Hadn't lost him completely yet.

-

I hate hospitals. I really do. I guess it's safe to say that no one really loves a hospital, but my dislike really verges on the extreme. So when I was walking through halls of one with AJ trailing somewhere behind me, I really started wondering why I was coming there for a complete and total stranger.

"Last name?"

"Bowen."

"First name."

A complete and total stranger who I hardly knew the name of. I was silent, and the red manicured nails halted their clicking on the keyboard.

"Sir?"

I cleared my throat. "I'm not sure."

The woman gave me this annoyed stare.

So did AJ, but he muttered something under his breath at me and moved to stand at the window across the hall.

"Excuse me?"

I threw my gaze back at the lady, leaning forward slightly on the desk. "Look, she was brought in today, she's a girl, I'm not sure what's wrong but it-"

"Sir?"

I kept going on about something, I'm not even sure what about, and she suddenly snapped her fingers in front of my face.

I blinked.

"Why are you visiting someone you don't know the name of?"

I stared at her. Good question, lady. I chewed the inside of my cheek, looking at her and trying to think of an answer.

I didn't know why. Maybe it was because I wanted to see what happened when you weren't afraid anymore. Or maybe I was just on a pity trip. Maybe I was just curious. Human nature.

"Kid -"

She wasn't calling me 'sir' anymore.

And someone was behind me.

"Look, if you just check ... How many Bowens could there be and-"

"Have a nice day." She looked beyond me to the next person but I didn't move.

"Look, just take a second to-"

"If you need to be escorted out, I'm sure we'd be able to accommodate you."

She was looking at me like I was crazy. Hell, I was crazy. I didn't even know why I came.

AJ was still standing by the window with his back to me, and I just stood there a second after I got away from the desk, just staring at him. Sometimes, you can look at someone you think you know really well, and start to wonder who they really are.

He was humming or singing something under his breath and staring down at something outside.

"AJ?"

He didn't answer. It was like I wasn't even there.

"Aje?" I touched his shoulder and he jerked back. I hesitated. "What're you looking at?"

"The falling rain."

"Oh."

It wasn't raining.

"It's getting heavy, Nick." He tore his gaze away from the window and seemed to look at me, but it was more like he was looking right through me.

"Jays, we can go now."

He didn't answer.

"AJ, we can-"

Ringing. I froze and cut myself off, starting to dig the phone out of my pocket. Yes. I flipped it open but a sudden hand came down on top of it, swiftly flipping the whole thing off.

"AJ-"

It wasn't AJ.

"Sir, no cell phones or electonic devices are allowed in this wing of the hospital." This large security type guy pointed to a sign mounted on the wall in front of us and sure enough it stated the same message.

"But," I started. My mouth was probably hanging open. My call. I took a deep breath and slowly took the phone back from the man. I wasn't going to cry in front of him.

I missed my call. No big deal. I wasn't going to cry at all.

No big deal, no big deal.

"AJ," I started again, and my voice sounded hoarse. It sounded strange, even to me.

"Huh," he said. His eyes were back on the window. I moved a little closer to him.

"We can go."

"Nick ..."

"Yeah."

"Why the hell did you wanna come here?"

I hesitated. I wished I could explain it to him, because I had thought I had some sort of reason, but now was different. Now I couldn't even explain it to myself. "I don't know."

He didn't answer me. He just stared out the window.

"We can go," I said softly, and I pulled on his arm a little.

"Who called?" he said suddenly. "Was it Rok?"

I didn't mean to hesitate but I did. "I - I don't know ..." My voice was hoarse. "Can we go?"

He let out a curse and pushed himself away from the window. "Yeah, go."

I looked one time out the window as he started down the hall. The sky outside was crisp and blue, and without a cloud as far as the eye could see.

Rain. Heavy rain.

I shook my head, frowning slightly.

-

It was quiet.

Too quiet. It was the kind of quiet that made you want to start talking to yourself or something, just so it wasn't so silent. I'm not sure if I started talking to myself or not, but if I didn't then I was getting pretty close.

I don't know what put me alone in the first place, it's like when you throw yourself down somewhere and then you forget what you were doing but you don't want to move. And then you forget how long you've been laying there and so you try and start backtracking in your mind. Then of course when you start backtracking you start thinking of other things as well, and it's all downhill from there.

And drowning in your own thoughts is not the best way to go. As my mind started to wander to other things I pulled myself up off my bed and tried to motivate myself toward the door. Surprisingly enough it was locked, but I didn't remember doing that.

AJ was sitting in one of the armchairs, a leg pulled up to balance something he was writing. I hesitated in the doorway a second, just watching him. And thinking.

I let out a long breath.

I could tell he was in one of those inverted moods but I honestly didn't care. "Aje."

"Mm." He didn't look up, but at least he answered. I paused a second.

"What're you writing?"

"A dissertation," he said sarcastically.

I didn't answer to that and he finally raised his head. His eyes looked bloodshot.

"What do you think I'm writing."

A song, a letter, it could be anything. So I didn't make a guess. Probably a song. I bet it was about the rain he saw outside. I leaned against the frame of the door tiredly. "AJ?"

"What, pal."

"How long have we been here?" I had been trying to figure it out in my mind, but it was weird. Even when you make a huge change, after a while that change it seems habitual. Like you were doing it your whole life. And the stuff you used to do, it seems so far away in the past, years away.

"I dunno."

Oh.

He was looking down at his paper again, his pen hesitating for a second and then scribbling something down. I picked at the wood on the doorframe absently. "Aje?"

He jerked his head up. "Fuck, Nick, ask it all at once, okay? You're really drawing this conversation out."

I stared at him.

"I'm trying to fucking write something and you -"

"Sorry," I interrupted. "I'm sorry, okay?"

He leaned his head back in his chair. "What is it, dog?"

I couldn't remember. Damn. He was going to kill me.

"Nick?"

"What day'd we get here?" It wasn't what I had wanted to ask him, but it was good enough.

"Man, I don't know. How the hell should I know." He shook his head. "Why don't you just go call Brian and find out."

I stared at him.

"Just go do something."

"Fine," I muttered. "I'll bother you later."

He actually chuckled at that. "Yeah, bother me later."

-

For awhile there, time had felt like it had been going by pretty fast. Each day seemed brief but by the end of it, it felt like a month had swept by in that twenty-four hour span. A year. There were three hundred and sixty-five days in twenty-four hours.

The thought of it made me sick. The thought of everything made me sick.

"It doesn't seem so bad now."

"Huh." AJ's usual response.

I expected it though, since neither of us had spoken for about forty minutes so I wasn't expecting him to be with me when I finally did. "The stuff we were doing before this."

He was still blank.

"The group stuff, it doesn't seem so bad now."

He let out what sounded like a cough. "Man, after every vacation you wanna get back and then you're there and you wish you were back on vacation. It's like little kids crazy to get back to school at the end of the summer. You get there and it's still the same hell you left, no matter how much you forgot."

I didn't answer. He was right.

I kicked at the sand slightly. I had convinced him to come with me. I don't remember what I said, but there we were.

"Are you saying you don't want to go back?"

"I'm saying that nothing's gotten better since we've been gone," he said.

"It could have. What do you know."

"It hasn't ... What, you want back?"

"Do you?"

He didn't answer. I guess I was first.

"No."

"No," he repeated. He stopped walking. "Man. What the fuck is this. Is it a vacation? A never-ending holiday? Quitting, retirement, what?"

I stayed silent. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know.

"I came with you, but I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't even know if it's your thing or mine."

I didn't either.

He started walking again without waiting for a response from me so I didn't give one. I didn't know where to start anyway. It was the first time we'd mentioned any of that shit for days.

He was mumbling stuff under his breath now.

"We could get jobs or something."

He stopped again. "Jobs? Damn man, we have jobs. We've always had jobs. That's the fucking problem."

"It was just a suggestion."

"Yeah well," he muttered.

"What's your problem, man?" I looked at him for the first time. "This was supposed to be a vacation, not a pity-trip. It was just supposed to be some time off."

"Is that all," he said sarcastically.

"Yes."

But that wasn't all it was. I wasn't even sure about all it was.

"Well it was a vacation unless we decided to make it something different."

AJ raised his eyebrows at me, as if to say, 'See?'. He shook his head. "And so?"

"And so ..." I repeated. What did he want?

"And so did we make it something different."

I kicked at the sand again and looked away toward the sea again. "I'm kind of still trying to figure that part out."

"Well me too," was all he said.

-

I tried calling Brian myself.

Even as I dialed the number, I still wasn't sure I wanted to. But I had been thinking about AJ's reasoning about me not calling him and him not calling me, and I figured that I might as well do it. I could always hang up.

And I was actually debating whether or not I would. One, two, three rings. But before the thing got to the fourth it transferred over to his voicemail and then I knew he wasn't there. I clicked it off. He wasn't even there.

Oh well.

I didn't even know if I was relieved or disappointed. I didn't really feel anything about it, either way. I leaned back on the couch and glanced at AJ's slumped position on the other chair.

And then I glanced at the TV that I had turned on before. Watching cartoons. Even shows didn't seem the same anymore. Nothing seemed the same.

"We could go someplace else."

I looked up at AJ's comment. Go someplace else. He brought his beer up to his lips again and shrugged slightly.

"Someplace else," I repeated.

"Mm."

"You want to?"

He hesitated. "I don't know."

"You think it'll be better?"

This time he didn't hesitate. "No." He stared at the top of the bottle. "Not one bit."

He said it more to himself than to me, and the drink went to his lips again.

I picked at the uneven fabric of the couch. I didn't think it would be any better either.

We were slipping away. Slowly but surely. Something was changing. Something had been changing. And for a long time now, not just recently. I just still didn't know what it was.

AJ was humming under his breath again. I glanced at the clock but it made no impression on me. I had no use for time.

"Jay-"

"I'm gonna go out."

It was as if he spoke the same time I started to.

"Out?"

"Mm. Later, Nick." He pulled himself out of his seat, stiffly almost, leaving the tainted colored bottle on the coffee table.

I didn't look at him but I sort of waited for some sort of invitation to go with him, he was always wanting me to do some sort of thing with him. But it didn't come. And I wasn't about to invite myself.

"Where're the car keys."

"You okay to drive?"

"Nick. Where," he repeated.

Of course I knew he wasn't going to answer me. I pointed to the counter.

"Bye." I still didn't look at him. I heard the keys scrape against the smooth surface as he got his hands on them.

"Later," he said again.

-

Later was exercised to both its literal and exaggerated meanings. Both night and day passed before I saw the guy again, and to be honest I'm not even sure what I did during that time.

Actually the fact he was even gone didn't really hit me until I went to say something to him the next day and actually looked for him, before I remembered he went somewhere.

Even then I was still kind of distracted and it still didn't really dawn on me until I wanted to go somewhere and realized the car was still gone.

I just stared at the empty spot for a few minutes and actually wondered if he would ever just leave me. I wasn't really sure at that point. And I told myself I really didn't care.

I don't know if I did or not.

Actually I wondered if he would care if I left. But seeing as I didn't have any mode of transportation, there wasn't really anyway that would happen anyway. So I was stuck wondering if I was the abandonee.

I don't know why I thought I wanted him back anyway, neither of us were much company to the other. Or maybe it was the thought of being out here alone.

There was no one else around in the parking lot, besides the few scattered cars. It was empty. Kind of the way I was feeling. Or not feeling. Just that empty, gnawing, something.

There was a slight wind blowing, enough to make you blink when you faced it, and I started down to the beach distractedly. I figured if I took a walk he would be back by the time I was.

But I didn't feel like walking at all. Either way, left or right. I didn't feel like going anywhere.

The sand was cold to my feet, not like the hot summer sand that you quickly hurry over to get to the wet packed sand before you burn. It was just cold. Damp and cold.

But I took a seat, on the damp gritty ground, and just stared at the water. It should have been relaxing. It used to be, it was supposed to be, but it wasn't.

So I gave up staring at the greeny-blue vastness and dropped flat on my back, staring up at the sky instead. Maybe that would work its wonders.

I would have gone to work trying to think of what the clouds were shaped like but the sky was just web-like stretch of stratus clouds, grayish wisps that simply looked just like clouds. Sad clouds.

So instead I thought of the guys. I thought about what they might have been doing at the same moment I was just laying there, and it was weird because I couldn't even think of anything they might have been. Probably fighting over something. Or probably not.

I let out a breath and shut my eyes against the wispy grayness. Then I breathed in deeply and listened to the surf. It sounded like a was surrounded by it on all four sides.

I tried to clear my mind of every single thought, and tried to think of absolutely nothing. But then I started thinking about how to think about nothing. So I gave up on it.

Then I tried holding my breath. I wanted to let go of everything. Quit trying to think of what to do with myself, where I was going to be in a month, where to go. It wasn't going to matter.

But I was trying so hard not think of any of that stuff that I started to forget to hold my breath. I was breathing again normally before I even realized it.

It frustrated me for a minute but then sleep came.

-

When I opened my eyes, the greeny-blue expanse had darkened and the stratus web looked black. There weren't many stars out, and the sand underneath my back felt like ice. It had stuck to me, on my shirt, in my hair. I felt a chill go through me as I sat up and got to my feet.

The car still wasn't back in the lot. I frowned slightly when I looked, but it didn't impress me either way. I was still half in a sort of dream world anyway.

I wasn't sure what to do with myself at that point so I just slowly went up to the apartment.

I walked around the place, sort of the way you would when you're left alone in someone else's home or in an unfamiliar place, not turning on any of the lights. I paused in AJ's doorway and just looked, not moving inside.

A little I found myself crashing in the armchair. Just sitting there in the dark, not really thinking of anything in particular. Trying to remember again why I was out here, what I thought I was going to do.

I was pretty much in a trance when I heard the door open a few hours later. I squinted tiredly at the figure moving into the room.

"Hey," AJ said in a low voice when he saw I was awake.

I didn't say anything I just watched him as he disappeared into the kitchen. I heard the refrigerator being opened and then he reappeared with a beer in his hand, dropping on the couch.

I watched him a minute, trying to get into a less crooked position in my chair. "I was beginning to wonder if you were comin' back."

He nodded slowly in the dimness. "Yeah me too ..."

That made me frown.

He took a sip from his bottle and then set it down next to the other one on the coffee table.

"Where'd you go?" I was talking softly, we both were, as if the dim lighting called for it.

I barely could make out his shrug.

"What's that mean."

He shrugged again.

Great.

AJ sat up slightly. "I'm beat, man ... You can finish." Without waiting for a reply he put the bottle into my hand and hit the side of my head affectionately. "Later."

I brought the bottle to my lips.

Yeah. Later.

-

By the time AJ got up and rejoined me the next day, I was in the middle of a Rugrats marathon. Actually I never left the couch, not that I remember anyway, and if I ever went to sleep it was right there.

"Have you moved?"

Those were the words that signaled AJ was up. "Morning." It had to be past noon, but I said it anyway.

"Uh, morning."

I sat up slightly in the armchair as he dropped onto the couch. He looked drained. I felt drained. I wondered if I looked it.

"Have you been here all night?"

I shrugged, slightly. "I guess. I don't know."

"You've been here the whole night .... watching cartoons?"

"No," I argued. He said it in such a sarcastic tone. I didn't know when I had started watching. "Did you sleep good?"

"No," he mumbled. He moved his neck a little. "Ugh. You?"

I couldn't even remember if I had slept so I just shrugged a little.

AJ hadn't seemed to be waiting for an answer anyway.

I ran a hand through my messy hair and it felt gritty. From sand. I sat up slightly. I needed to take a shower.

AJ was already flipping the channel on the TV. I didn't say anything though. Who cared if Tommy ever got his beach ball back.

"I'm gonna shower."

"Have fun," came the dry answer.

I wish I could have.

I turned up the water as hot as I could stand when I was in there. The scalding heat felt good against my skin. It hurt, but it was a good pain. Because I could feel it.

I stayed in there a long time too, trying to wash everything away. Burn everything away. But it wasn't going anywhere, no matter how hot the water was.

The bathroom was all foggy when I turned off the water. Smoky. I could barely see where the sink, or where anything was. It was like there was a fire.

A fire. Burning away everything.

When I opened the bathroom door, I was immediately met with the cool air. I almost wanted to stay in the room, in the smoke. Until it cleared away, or until everything on the outside cleared away.

It made me shut the door again and I must have waited awhile thinking that because the next time opening the door even crossed my mind most of the steam from the shower had dissipated.

I opened the door and stepped out.

When I joined AJ again a couple minutes later, he had MTV on. And a weird expression on his face. I didn't say anything, I just sat down.

"Backstreet Boys are postponing their upcoming tour."

I looked up, frowning slightly. The way he said it made it sound like somebody else. I rubbed the side of my face. It was somebody else.

"I didn't know they had an upcoming tour."

I was doing it to. They.

AJ didn't answer.

"Did they give a reason?" I absently reached for one of the bottles on the table, to see if there was anything left. I don't know why. If there had been I wouldn't have drunk it.

"Technical difficulties."

I didn't say anything. More like mental technicalities. I didn't know we had an upcoming tour.

I glanced over at AJ, and he was hunched over writing something. In that little notebook. He was nodding slightly as he scribbled it down too, as if he had a beat for it or something.

He still had the look on his face.

My stomach suddenly felt weird.

Maybe I was hungry. I hadn't eaten anything. Not in a long time.

"Aje?"

I had to wait a little bit but he looked up.

"You want to go get something to eat?"

He shook his head. "I can't eat. You can go."

I didn't think I could really eat either. I stayed where I was.

When I looked up again I realized he had stopped writing and was watching me. With that weird expression on his face.

"What."

"Nothing." He shook his head. For a second he looked past me, but then his eyes were back on me. "You okay?"

I was surprised almost. But I just watched the pen he was jiggling between his two fingers and shrugged. "Fine."

I was always fine.

-

I'm not sure what I was really doing later. AJ had disappeared off somewhere to never-neverland and I was just left to sitting there. Well at one point I was just sitting there but then my eyes got caught on a lighter AJ left on the coffee table and everything kind of went from there.

The cigs I left alone but the silver lighter I fingered and then picked up. I started doing this thing where I was just flicking the lighter, watching the flame, blowing it out. Again and again.

Maybe I was trying to figure out the fascination that pyromaniacs held for a flame. Or maybe I held some sort of fascination myself, or just the idea that such a little flicker could erase everything.

But then the fascination with the flame itself died and I let it have a rendez-vouz with a piece of paper. I blew it out, looked at how the edge of it was browned, blackened on the outermost like an old manuscript or something, and then lit it again.

It smoked, like the smoky fog in the bathroom.

I stared at it.

"Hey Nick-?"

AJ.

I jumped a little in surprise, letting the flame fall and just staring at him in silence. I don't know why.

"Nick?" AJ's face went from confusion to something on the other end of the spectrum. "Nick, fuck!"

He was striding toward me and I instinctively grabbed the paper that was no longer a piece of paper but a fire breathing dragon that was trying to take the coffee table and everything adjacent with it.

I dropped it again because it was trying to eat my hand and grabbed a towel off the back of the couch to try and smother it.

AJ was already trying to.

"Are you a fucking retard?"

I stayed silent because the smoke detector on the ceiling decided to start screaming at me too.

I winced.

"Jesus Christ ..." AJ continued with a long phrase of words that I didn't think Christ would really appreciate, but I didn't say anything.

I just let AJ finished hitting out the flames and grabbed a chair to reach the howling smoke detector. There was no off-switch so I took out the batteries. No more detector.

But it was still howling.

It took me a second to realize that it was the telephone.

"Hello?" AJ had picked it up. The flames were out.

I looked down at my hand. The dragon had done a job to my palm.

"No, no, everything's fine," AJ was saying. "We burnt something in the kitchen." There was a long pause. "No, no big deal, just have to find something else to eat. Uh huh, thanks ..." He hung up the phone and looked at me.

There was a moment of silence.

"Hey," I said.

AJ was breathing in and out. "That was next door."

"We have neighbors?"

The evenness of his breathing disappeared. "What the hell is your problem?"

I frowned. "Well I just never saw anyone else in the building-"

"No!"

I stared at him.

I swear he was angry.

"You've decided to become a fucking arsonist?"

"Oh, that."

"Oh that," he mocked, his eyes drifting to the coffee table. It looked a little charred. As did the magazines and other things that had been on it.

The dragon really did a job.

"I was just ..." I shrugged slightly. "It's no big deal."

"Oh, it's not?"

"No, it's fine." I guess I didn't catch the sarcasm. Or I didn't want to.

"You almost burnt the place down." His voice was sharp.

"It wasn't that bad, man."

"You didn't even realize it was burning."

"You caught me off guard."

"Me? I caught you off guard."

"Yeah." The air smelled a little smoky. I looked down at my hand again. "It bit me," I told him.

"What?" He was losing patience. "It bit you? Fuck man, you deserve to be burned. You're like a little kid. No fire." He retrieved his lighter from the table and held it up. "Mine. Not yours."

I think he was trying to be funny. But he wasn't smiling.

"Shit man, what if I wasn't here." He was making such a big deal. I didn't see it. "You'd have fucking burned the whole place down."

"No, I wouldn't have had a lighter."

He hit me hard for that in the arm. "I swear to God ..."

He moved away, starting to mutter things about crazy people and how they should be locked up before they hurt other people or something along those lines. He was a hypocrite when he was angry.

I was starting to feel my hand.

I looked at the table again. It wasn't a big deal. I'm not really sure how it even happened.

-

Burns hurt.

Like hell.

I was sitting there, staring at the table and trying to think. I don't know what I was trying to think about, but it wasn't working.

I didn't even like fire.

AJ was in the same room as me now, after making some stupid comment about informing the rest of the residents in the building next time before deciding to burn it down. At least he was in a good mood.

He was anyway. Now he was staring at that notebook of his, just staring. Kind of like I was staring at the table.

I hated fire.

I kicked at the charred thing annoyedly.

"Quit it." AJ didn't even look up.

I kicked it again because I had to and waited. He didn't say anything.

"I want to leave," I told him.

"Go ahead."

"I mean leave for good."

"And I said go ahead." He paused but he still wasn't looking up. "Maybe we should go our own ways."

Interesting. "Serious?"

"I don't know, you little arsonist, you tell me."

I glared at him, but of course he wasn't looking at me. I hated fire.

"I want to go back," I said.

He didn't answer. He was writing.

"I want to go back." I said it slowly this time.

Still no answer.

I raised my voice. "I want-"

He looked up. "Damn, I heard you the first time."

I stared at him.

He rubbed his jaw absently. "Do you?"

"No," I said.

He rolled his eyes. "Then why'd you say it?"

"I don't know. Felt like it. Maybe I do. No, not really."

"Quit talking, Nick."

I did. For a minute.

"Well maybe we should go someplace else at least."

"Go ahead," came the distracted answer.

"We."

"There is no we in you."

He made no sense. "Exactly," I said anyway.

He didn't answer.

-

I don't know if I went there entirely for my hand, or if my mind had other subconscious alterior motives. But one way or another I was sitting at the hospital while this old guy looked at my hand, and my mind was someplace else entirely.

"Well it looks like you got yourself a nice second-degree burn there."

Yeah, nice. I couldn't really agree with that part.

He was wrapping it and telling me some sort of stuff that might have been important but I was too busy thinking about that girl and whether or not there was a chance she were still here, and if so if there was any way I would know. Or find out.

" ... to yourself anyway?"

I lifted my head up. "Sorry?"

The older man started putting away his things. "I was wondering how you did that to yourself anyway."

"It was an accident." I didn't like the phrase 'did that to yourself'. I didn't do anything.

He looked at me.

"Cooking," I said. "I'm a lousy cook." I figured he wouldn't want to hear about the dragon.

He was nodding. "Those grease fires can be nasty."

I didn't answer.

"Well be careful next time. Your hand'll be fine, more of an annoyance than anything else." He was scribbling some last thing on his chart. "I'll give you a salve to use. In a week or two you'll be seeing an improvement."

"Thanks," I said, getting to my feet. I was starting to wonder why I had come again.

The halls seemed kind of empty for a hospital. But even if I could sneak into wherever she was without anyone noticing I didn't know where to go. It was too big to start. The emptiness didn't help me. It just made me feel more alone.

She probably wasn't even there anymore. She probably was home.

Home, home, home.

Somehow I didn't feel like I had one anymore. Actually, I hadn't felt like I had for awhile now. And I was missing something about it, I just didn't know what.

I walked slowly down the uneven colored tile hall, passing several unoccupied stretchers and wheelchairs. Everything in the entire world was empty.

-

"Nick ..."

"Yeah." I didn't look up as I felt the couch sink in next to me, I just kept absently drawing on a little piece of paper. Absurd little shapes and images.

"Are you planning on doing something?" The way he worded the question sounded like he was trying to get something else out of me aside from what the question was asking. Like the answer to another question.

"Doing something?" I kept my concentration on my scribbles.

"Yeah." I felt him lean into me. "Like going somewhere. I know you wanna get outta here."

I nodded slightly, my eyes sliding to the stark white bandage of my hand. I wanted out bad. "Do you?"

"That's why I'm asking you."

"So you do?"

"I was wondering if you were planning on leaving. Sometime."

His words seemed cryptic. I glanced at him.

"I don't get what you're asking."

"You wanted to go back, right?"

I kept my eyes on him. "I ... Why?"

"Because." He was looking at the little paper in my hand. "Nicky, answer."

"Does it have something to do with what you're doing?"

"I'm asking what you're doing."

"But does it?" I didn't know what to answer, but even if I did I wanted to know how it was going to affect what he was planning to do.

"Does it what?"

"Is what I do gonna affect what you do?"

"Does it matter?"

"Yes."

"It shouldn't. Answer the damn question."

I didn't know what to say.

"I don't wanna go back," I told him. My eyes were on the blackened table.

"Liar."

"It's not a lie."

He put his face right up close to mine, so close we were almost touching, and stared me straight in the eye. "Then tell me straight."

"I don't." But looking into those brown pools that I thought I used to know I had to look away. And he smirked. It annoyed me. "I don't, fucker."

My words seemed to amuse him then, and he pulled back, still leaning against me, this smile on his face.

"What's it matter to you anyway?"

"Nothing. Superficial curiosity."

Fine. "Then what about you."

"What about me."

"Same question to you."

He looked at me, and I knew he wasn't going to answer.

Damn.

"Geez, AJ. You're such a bitch."

He actually chuckled. "So are you."

I was annoyed that he could pretend to read me, and I had nothing on him.

AJ leaned into me harder. "I love you, man. You know that?" And he started to get up. "You love me?"

"Mm," was all I said. I was still annoyed with him. I saw he was heading for the door. "Where you going?"

"Out."

I sat up a little, a frown crossing my face involuntarily. "For awhile?"

"Not forever."

That was all he said, and the door shut behind him.

-

Not forever.

It could be a hundred years, and it still wouldn't be forever. Hell, it could be a million years, and that still wasn't infinite.

And I wasn't going to live forever either.

I figured I was overreacting. I told myself I had the tendency to.

It was probably just like last time.

Except this time instead of the day or two he was gone it was verging on a week.

A week. It wasn't like a year. It wasn't like forever.

But it felt like one. And I started wondering if he was coming back this time. Even he hadn't been sure about it last time. Maybe this time he had decided.

And then it was hard not to cry. For some reason, it really was. Tears filled me up, not behind my eyes where they belonged, but inside my chest, making a well of hot water. I felt like I was drowning.

Maybe that was why he had been asking me what I was going to do. He was figuring that if I thought I going back then I'd be fine off by myself.

He was wrong.

And maybe that was why he told me he loved me. Did that mean he wasn't going to see me again? I hadn't said it back.

I choked over a sob. I felt like I was dying. My lungs were filling with liquid and I was going to die. I'd probably be better off.

This time I had no control over it. I just let the blackness take me.

-

Darkness was ephemeral.

That one was. The visual one. There were different types of darkness. The one inside me wasn't going anywhere. Not for awhile.

There comes a time, several times, in life, where you have no clue where you're going. Maybe it's at a point where you couldn't have imagined yourself a year ago, a day ago, in your wildest dreams; and then you look at the blurry image of tomorrow and that's when you know.

At least I knew something.

When I woke up I expected things to have changed for some reason. I thought I wouldn't be alone, or I wouldn't be there. I thought maybe I would wake up and it would be three years ago.

I had a feeling sometimes that my whole life was a dream and when I woke up I would be someplace entirely different.

But it was funny then, how you could sleep within a dream. Or how even when it got so bad, you still never woke up. And that you could have nightmares inside of nightmares.

The whole idea was pretty crazy. But it takes crazy to think crazy, so I wasn't too surprised. And it takes crazy to do crazy, so I went back to that house.

It looked the same- craggy, old, and lonely. It looked like something that had survived numerous trials at the sea for many years and was ready to let go.

I stared at it for a few moments, not moving toward it but not changing my mind and moving away either. Just staring. I thought of that girl and how she had always seemed to be thinking the same thoughts that I had been, how she seemed to be on the same page as me.

And I wondered where exactly that chapter had taken her, and if it was where I was going. It seemed like I had kind of disappeared too.

"Back so soon?"

I jumped slightly at the gravelly voice, recognizing the unshaved older man from last time. I hadn't noticed anyone around.

"Only Jenny's home, are you looking for Jenny?"

I hadn't said anything, but for some reason now it he was starting a conversation. But I didn't add to it, I just shook my head.

And he went back to sweeping his yard, which was a mixture of dirt, sand, and pebbles.

It was kind of sad to see him sweeping it. It wasn't going to look any different, and something told me he did it regularly. For some reason I always felt badly when I saw people doing futile things.

He stopped suddenly, the dust around his feet like smoke, and wiped his brow with the back of his sleeve. "What're you doing here then anyway."

I shrugged slightly.

"If you're looking for the younger, you might as well ask Jenny what room number she is."

I cocked my head to the side. "She's still in the hospital?"

He seemed surprised. "Last time she was there for a month."

I frowned slightly and started walking toward the front door of the house. I paused a second on the dilapidated wooden stoop, but I knew the old man was watching me and so I had to knock.

My stomach started flipping when I heard footsteps coming.

What was I going to say? I was just some guy on a stranger's stoop. I tried to plan it quickly right there, tried to go through something in my head. But maybe she wouldn't even answer.

"Yeah?"

The door had already opened and I was staring into a face that looked familiar, but with older features, and different eyes. Annoyed eyes.

"What," she said forcibly.

"Are you her sister?"

"Who's sister?" She started to close the door, ever so slightly.

I couldn't answer that so I started trying to think of something else to say.

"He wants the room number," a voice hollered over. I looked over my shoulder and the older man had left his yard to move in closer, the broom still in his hands.

To think he was the one making me leave last time.

"Oh." She looked at me, and I realized how bitter she really was.

"I wanna see her."

"I might as well give it to you, even if you are a deranged psycho. I've given up on her anyway, she's dying anyhow."

I frowned involuntarily. Was this really a sister?

"You look surprised. If you really knew her you wouldn't be surprised. You wouldn't be surprised at all."

I didn't know what to say to that.

"733A. Have fun."

And she shut the door in my face.

I stood there a second staring at the rotting wood of the door before I turned and stepped off the creaky stoop.

"They're having a hard time of it lately, they are," the old man said, almost to himself. He had started sweeping again, in a different dusty area.

I just shook my head and started back toward the beach.

-

Seventh floor, past the empty stretchers that lined the one side of the pristinely mis-matched tile floor.

I heard random beeps around me and vaguely wondered what wing it was. What ward. It was funny how no one questioned you when you appeared to know where you were going.

When I found the room, I almost didn't want to go in. I couldn't decide if it was better to just leave things as they were or not. AJ was right. I was always stuck between two things. I knew it too. Maybe knowing that was what made me go in.

The face lying there was peaceful in sleep, but there was something not so peaceful about it at the same time. Something different. I was studying it, trying to decipher what exactly that was, when suddenly her eyes opened.

And we just stared at each other.

"Hey." I was the first to speak.

"What are you doing here?" She didn't sound angry, or happy either. I didn't know what she sounded like.

"I ... don't know."

At least I was honest.

She watched me for a second.

"You look sad," she said finally.

She didn't look anything so I gave a little shrug.

"Where's your brother?"

"He left."

"Why?"

I gave another shrug and pulled one of the green vinyl cushioned visitor chairs over to sit. I felt tired suddenly. "Maybe he didn't want me to be the one to leave him. So he had to go first."

"I left my sister first," she said absently. "I came back though, but I can't stay..."

"Why?"

"I went too far."

"Too far?"

"Yeah."

I let that sit for a minute, listening to the absent beeping in the room that almost sounded like it was in the back of my mind. California was pretty far. What was to say I shouldn't just carry out the whole thing.

"Can I tell you something?"

I looked back at her, silent.

"Don't do it," she whispered. "Not unless you're completely sure."

"Why?"

"Not unless you're sure about everything, that you've got it all straight in your head."

"What if you are."

"How can you know?"

I gave a little shrug.

"You can't." She shook her head at me sadly. "Don't you realize that by now?"

"You can."

"Look at me," she interrupted. "Just look at me. See the tubes, all this? I'm telling you. I can't go back. It's too late. My heart is shot. That last time was too much. It wasn't enough to do it, but it was too much."

I slowly began to understand what she was saying.

"I wasn't afraid anymore because I thought I had it all set. No more last hopes. But look what happened."

I stared at the wall. I really didn't want to look.

"It's like everything paused halfway through. I'm only half here, you know ... Just enough to actually think things through. But it's not like I can do anything about it. I'm just laying here, waiting."

She was bitter, almost like her sister.

"I have to go," I said, tearing my gaze from the wall.

She stared.

"I'm sorry." I knew it was the wrong thing to say, but I said it anyway.

"Don't be."

"I know." I started toward the door and was almost in the hall when I thought I heard her say something. I stopped and turned. "What?"

"Be afraid," she said. Her eyes were closed.

I said nothing in return, I just stared at her. Someone I didn't even know. Who would be lying here, just like this, even if I hadn't come.

I shook my head. I didn't want anything to do with it.

I left the image and started down the hall.

Leaving On a Jet Plane - Part 4

"Hi." I said it out loud, just because I wanted to hear something. Even if it was just my own voice.

I didn't like the apartment so empty. I really didn't. I knew that if I had been alone the whole time out on this trip, or whatever it was, I probably wouldn't have lasted half as long.

I put the number through slowly. Very slowly. But when I heard the first ring I hung up.

I didn't know what I was doing.

Maybe I liked it here and that empty gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach was just temporary. Maybe it meant nothing and the thoughts in my head that I thought went with it were fraudulent. Could thoughts be fraudulent?

I figured that in my mind they probably could.

I didn't want the silence, so I turned on the TV. But even when I found something semi-interesting, my eyes kept drifting toward the door. As if any second I expected AJ to walk back in through it. Just like last time.

I punched the pillow next to me angrily. I just felt angry. I didn't know why, but I did. I didn't need a reason.

I picked up the cell again and redialed the number even slower. I pressed send and waited. I let it ring.

One, two, three rings.

And then a long beep.

"I'm sorry," some pre-recorded voice told me after the tone. "You must dial a one before the-"

Damn. I hung up and dialed again, this time with a one. It rang three times again, but it felt longer this time around.

"Hello?"

"Brian," I said slowly.

There was a long pause.

"Nick?" There was a trace of surprise underlying his voice.

"Yeah."

"Man ..." He was trying to be calm, that much was evident. "You okay?"

I smiled slightly for some reason. Was I okay. "Fine."

"You sure?"

"Fine."

"Is AJ with you?"

I looked around the room, hoping to see him. "Nope."

"No?"

"No," I repeated. And then for some reason, I broke down. I lost it. "Brian, I don't know where he went," I started, choking over my own voice. "I have no fucking clue where he went and-"

"Hey ... hey," Brian interrupted.

I covered my face with my hand as I heard something muffled on the other end. Someone asking who was on the phone. Brian told them no one.

"Nick, you still there?"

"Yeah," I mumbled, using my shirt to wipe my face.

"Where are you."

"Damn man, I don't know. Where do you want me to be."

The sarcasm rolled over. "You want me to come?"

"I gotta go," I said, ignoring his question as I felt another wave of losing it wash over me. I flipped the phone off and tossed it aside without waiting for his answer.

I couldn't talk to him right now, I couldn't. It was too much. It had me rethinking too much. I didn't know what I was doing.

"Dammit," I muttered aloud, punching the pillow again. What in the hell was I doing.

I had hung up on him. I called him, talked a second, and hung up. Gifted, Carter.

The phone was ringing on the floor.

"Shut up," I told it.

It didn't stop.

"Shut the hell up!" I hollered. "I'll call you when I want to talk to you!"

It rang three more times before silencing.

"Good God," I muttered.

I would call him back. I had to. Just not now. I had to set things straight in my mind. Did I want him to come? Yes and no. I wanted AJ back first. Then I could really think.

The tears were coming again, and I cursed myself out for being such an idiot. It was like I couldn't control anything.

-

The only things I had to keep me company were inanimate. I had the TV, I had the radio, I could stare at the furniture. Other than that, there was nothing.

The only thing I could do was just sit there and stare at those things. And wait. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. AJ maybe. I really wanted AJ. I wasn't sure what to do without AJ. Or maybe I just wanted the phone to ring.

I stared at the bandage on my hand for a minute. Then pulled myself up off the couch and went to look for my phone. At least I had some sort of control over the last part.

It rang a couple times before someone picked up. There was a second pause, and then, "Hello?"

But it wasn't Brian's voice. I quickly flipped it off and checked the number I had dialed. It was his number, no doubt about it. It just wasn't his voice.

Damn.

I was holding on to the phone and staring at the blackened coffee table, almost in a trance like when you start staring at something and forget how long your gaze has been there, when it rang. I almost dropped it, it caught me off guard.

Clicking it on, I pulled it to my ear without saying anything.

There was silence on the other end of the line for a second too.

"Nick ... You there?"

It was Brian this time, but I still stayed silent.

"Man ..." There was a long pause, I guess he was being careful with what he said. "Sorry about that, Kev was just using my phone, I didn't know you were gonna call."

I chewed the inside of my cheek absently, trying to remember why I had called him again. Something other then an inanimate object to talk to maybe.

"Man, talk. I hear you breathing, it's not like you're not there."

"I'm here," I told him, rubbing my face with my hand.

"Thanks," he muttered. I guess he knew that already. "And do you know where that is yet?"

I didn't answer that. I didn't like the question.

"Is there a phonebook lying around wherever you're staying?"

I rubbed my face with my hand again. I wasn't going to break down this time. It wasn't worth it. I would hang up before that happened. "I dunno," I mumbled.

"You wanna look?" There was a pause, and I guess he was waiting for me to say something, but I wasn't going to. "You doing okay?"

"Yeah." Sure.

"How about I can come out and stay with you for a bit, you want me to do that?"

AJ had been the one who came out and stayed with me. But he was gone.

I pulled up my shirt to rub my face this time. I wasn't going to think about AJ. He was gone. They were all gone.

"Nick?"

"I dunno." My voice was muffled into my shirt. "Just you?"

"Just me."

The only one left. I didn't say anything. I had to think, I just had to give myself some time to think. As if I hadn't taken enough already.

"How about that? I'll come out and then we can talk about ... whatever."

"There's nothing to talk about."

He didn't seem to answer that because there was a second of silence. I heard him clear his throat and there were muffled noises in the background. "What do you say?"

"Just you, right?"

"Yeah."

"Where will you say you're going?"

"It doesn't matter. It's sort of down time right now, it's not going to make a difference if I cut out for a little bit. So I'll do that, okay? Just let me know."

I didn't answer him. Just let him know. I wasn't sure I wanted him here. There was nothing to talk about, so what would be the point. Besides. What was I gonna tell him when he got here. Time wasn't making it any clearer.

" - ...okay?"

"Huh?"

"I said is everything with you okay."

I nodded, more to myself since he couldn't see me, as if that action would make it easier to answer. "Sure."

"You can tell me the truth you know."

"Yeah." I brought a hand across my eyes, suddenly feeling tired. Really tired. "AJ's not back," I said absently, and I looked around the room again as I said it. Not there. I had wanted him back. Wanted. Now I wasn't so sure. Without him, I had my own choice. With him I had a choice but no definition. But then again.

There was a pause. "He'll come back ... You know how he is."

Exactly. I knew how he was. And I wasn't so sure. What the hell did Brian know. I dropped my hand down, letting out a long breath. "Bye." I needed to get off.

"Alright ..." Brian sounded far away again. "Think about me coming."

I nodded to myself and flipped off the phone, leaning my head back. The smell of smoke in the apartment made me shake my head. It was a little too late to be thinking about him coming. If he had wanted to come so bad he should have told me from the beginning. The promise wasn't with him.

Right then there wasn't even a promise. And Brian didn't even know. He didn't have a clue. Not a fucking clue.

I shoved the metal chair against the balcony, and it made a loud clanging noise. I wasn't sure how I got out there, but I was there, and I didn't regret it either. I didn't stop myself.

I used to imagine scenarios for myself when I was a kid. I would imagine that someone in my family died, that everyone died. Or, and it was the best one of all, that I died.

And it would stop.

And then they would be sorry. Real sorry.

Misery made beautiful. That's what I wanted. Either they would remember something good or be blinded by something else. Something not yet defined. I bet people were waiting. Hell, they were all waiting.

I saw a silhouette pass under a streetlamp in the road below. I bet they were counting. They were probably counting backwards, just waiting.

It was black outside, pitch black except for the faintly lit street below. There wasn't even a moon. And I liked that. I liked the fact that it was dark. That no one could see me and that I couldn't see them. They could be staring right into my space and neither of us would see each other.

For a moment, you were invisible. I wanted to take advantage of that. I could make it permanent.

Permanent invisibility. I stepped up onto the chair. I liked the sound of it. Looking down over, at the tiny little street, I could almost pick a spot.

The same black empty spot I had looked straight at some other time, what seemed like long ago, but wasn't. It wasn't. It was time in my mind lost in other things, lost at sea in things that right now I couldn't even give the slightest glimmer of anything to, but they had been there. Wasting time.

But it was broken, the fucking promise was broken.

I pulled my foot up onto the rail and felt something wash over me. Not relief exactly, but something close. Something pretty damn close.

But then I heard ringing.

Close ringing. I realized I was still holding on to the phone and had the sudden urge to fling it out into the darkness and hear its plastic crack and split in the street. I didn't want to deal with it anymore.

But I flipped it on. "Brian, I'm fucking busy." I was going to tell him to call back later but there probably wouldn't be an answer for him so I didn't.

There was a pause. "Busy?"

It wasn't Brian's voice.

I choked for a second but quickly caught myself. My foot automatically came off the rail. "Damn, man, you aren't even here and you still fuck things up."

He chuckled slightly, still caught on the busy part. "What're you busy with, huh? I know there ain't a girl with you so with what, the TV?"

I didn't answer him right away. Why was he calling. I took a deep breath. "Stuff," I said stiffly. Don't do this.

"Oh."

He knew what that meant.

I thought.

"Where are you?"

He ignored the question. "Why'd you think I was gonna be Brian, huh? I mean, damn man. You still waiting on him?"

"AJ."

"What."

"Where the hell are you?"

"Eh, I'm around." He sounded so blasé it pissed me off.

"Bye."

"Hey man, hold up. What's your problem?"

"Nothing. Have fun." I couldn't keep the sarcasm out of my voice. It wanted to be there.

"I said hold up."

I stayed silent, glancing back at the railing. One of the streetlights flickered below.

"Listen to me for a second. I'm coming back, alright?"

"I won't hold my breath," I muttered.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He sounded annoyed.

"It means ... Shit man, it means you broke it off. You. I'm not gonna sit around and wait anymore. I'm sick of that."

"Bro, I'm coming back. What part of that don't you understand?"

As he said it a feminine voice in the background called his name.

"Too late," I muttered, flipping off the phone. Much too late. He had his own things, I had mine.

I stared at the railing again, but the phone rang again. Damn it all.

Him I had to answer. It was different. I don't know why. I flipped it back open and held it to my ear.

"Nick."

"What?"

"Don't do that shit."

I shook my head to myself.

"Will you wait until I get back?"

"This thing doesn't revolve around you, man. As much as you think it does, it doesn't."

"It doesn't fucking revolve around you either, so get off the friggin' balcony."

"I'm not on the balcony."

"Bullshit, Nicky. I hear the wind."

"It's not windy."

"Shut up." He cleared his throat and I swore I heard him tell someone to go away. "Promise me you'll wait."

"I don't believe in promises," I told him.

There was a pause. A long pause. "Nick?"

"What."

The pause this time was strained. "I'm sorry," he said finally.

That surprised me a little. For AJ to say sorry. But for some reason I shook my head. "Okay," I heard myself say.

He muttered a curse on the other end of the line. "Wait," he said, and then there was dial tone.

-

"You said you want sleeping pills?"

"Yes."

The man's large, dark eyes regarded me thoughtfully. I could hear voices outside of the office in the hallway. He rubbed the stubby gray beard on his cheek and there was a little pause.

"Is something else the matter?" he said then.

"I can't sleep." I tried to talk calmly, but it was like I was being choked. I looked down at my hands suddenly, turning them over.

"Yes, well ..."

"What?" I didn't like when people looked at me that way.

He shook his head, leaning back in his chair slightly, still watching me.

"You want me to fill out a questionnaire or something? What?"

He shook his head again, and my eyes drifted toward his desk. There was a photograph there, in a silver frame, only half facing me. It looked like it must have been his wife and two kids. They were all smiling.

Sometimes, everything seemed so futile. Everything people did seemed silly really, since they were only going to die in the end.

I looked back at him. "Look, I just want to get some sleep."

"Yes," he started slowly. "But maybe sleeping pills aren't the answer."

"I think they are."

He shook his head again, and during the next small pause he suddenly reminded me of Kevin. He was taking so long to get to a point. Any point.

"You're gonna make me get desperate and try something else," I told him. Doctors didn't like to hear that someone might take a leap for the worst on their account, it was a known fact.

"Look, kid, I like you. Why don't we make a deal."

Deals were never really two-sided.

"Why don't I set you up with just a couple, and we'll see how they work, hm?"

In other words, I know you want to try and overdose yourself on my sleeping pills, so I'm going to give you just enough so that you can't. I shook my head.

"Whatever."

-

I figured maybe I just needed to keep myself busy until I settled things in my head. I didn't like what I was, I didn't like what anything was, so I decided to change that. Or try to at least.

I told them my name was Mike. I got pretty lucky, because the guy who owned the place, a guy in his early forties named Russell, took a liking to me right away. He called me Mikey. I felt like a Goonie.

It was a boat place, off a pier. They rented, sold, fixed, gave rides, whatever. I liked it, or at least I thought I should. So I tried.

Russell didn't expect me to do much either. And he didn't make me sign anything. He just told me I had a job. Honestly I didn't care if it was a paying one or not. I just needed to do something, or else I was going to die.

And I needed to get my mind off of AJ. Whenever I thought of him, it ruined my plans.

Russell started asking questions the second day, but it wasn't until later that I knew it didn't matter.

"So Mikey, where you from man?"

"Florida." I didn't look up, I just kept scrubbing the side of one of the rental boats we were working on.

"Florida," he scoffed, shaking his head.

"Don't like?"

"You do?" he answered, as if it were universal.

"I left, didn't I?"

"For good?"

I shrugged, still not looking up. "For now."

He smiled slightly. "Ah ... know the feeling."

"Where are you from?"

He pointed down. "Here."

"Always?"

He shook his head. "Nah, I left for awhile. Came back though."

I ran a wet hand through my hair and shook my head slightly. "I'm not."

"You'll see."

"I'm not," I repeated, looking at him with a frown this time.

"What'd you leave? Girl, family, job, what?"

"Stop, Russ."

He shook his head with an amused smile, but he stopped.

I just stayed silent.

"You don't like questions, huh kid."

I shook my head, concentrating on the boat again.

For some reason that got a chuckle. "Me neither." He clapped me on the shoulder and then left me by myself.

He was a good guy though, I liked him. I liked the way he trusted me without knowing a thing about me. I really wondered why he did though. You can't just trust everybody.

I asked him once, a couple of days later. We were inside the shop, not really doing much. It was supposed to rain. He had told me I could go home, but since I didn't have one I figured I was fine where I was at the moment.

So I asked him. I asked him why he thought he could trust me.

He kind of gave me a look, in the middle of dealing cards to two other guys that worked there. They were older than me. "Why you ask that?"

I shrugged slightly, nursing the beer they had given me. "I dunno ... You don't know me."

He dealt two more cards. "You don't know me either."

"Yeah ..."

"So you trust me to let you work for me?"

I smirked slightly, shrugging.

Russell lifted an eyebrow at me. "Then there you go. I guess we're in the same boat, huh Mikey?"

"Boat!" one of the guys with the cards exclaimed, looking up at the statement. "Hah!" He laid his cards down flat on the table, facing up. "And I won. All reds."

I stared at him. So did Russell.

" 'Nother beer?" Russell offered with a straight face.

I took it.

-

AJ called again. I don't know why. Maybe he wanted to make sure I was still there. Who knows. I didn't really see a reason. At the same time though I was kind of glad. Somehow, I was still waiting on him. As much as was trying to get the guy out of my mind, I really didn't want to. Now if that wasn't a paradox.

"You know," he said when I picked up the cell, almost irritatedly. "You're supposed to say 'hello' or something when you answer a phone."

"Hello," I answered sarcastically. I leaned back into the couch, turning off the TV as a weird feeling filled my stomach. It was suddenly really quiet. "I like to know who it is first."

"Your phone has caller ID."

"Well I don't know the number you're at."

"If it's not someone you want, you just gonna pretend you're not there?"

"I guess. Shut up, man."

"I'm gonna be back there soon."

"Oh." It was just words. They meant nothing.

"You waiting for me?"

I shrugged to myself. I didn't know. Maybe. I wasn't about to tell him that.

"Huh, man?" He didn't like not getting answered. "You miss me?"

"No." I lied, but even the way I said it, it sounded like a lie to me. I hoped it didn't sound like a lie to him. He chuckled though, so I knew it did.

"We still got our promise, right?"

"No."

That one wasn't a lie.

I heard him clear his throat.

"We need to talk about that ..."

"Go ahead. Talk."

"Don't hang up on me then." He sounded like he was getting angry. I don't know whether it was at me or in general. "I didn't break it."

"No?"

"How then?" he demanded. "Tell me how."

I suddenly hated him. "What do you call leaving? You fucking left, man, that's how you broke it."

"Was there some hidden clause about me not leaving? That I had to always be by your side in order for it to still hold together?" he answered. "Huh? Maybe I missed that part then man, because as far as I'm concerned, nothing's changed. Nothing."

I was silent.

"Nick."

Why did he always make things sound so trivial.

"Nick."

Somehow, I always had the short end of the stick.

"You there?"

"Yeah," I answered.

"So is it still a deal?"

There goes the deal business again. I never got to make the deal. Someone else always spoke first. "So is that why you left?"

There was a pause. I had him.

"What?"

"Is that why you left?" I repeated, eyes narrowing even though he couldn't see me. "Because we still had a deal? Because if you're not with me, then there's nothing to go through with?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, man." He was lying.

"Because if that's what you think, man-"

"Hang on, who's saying that's what I think?" he demanded. "Will you quit with that?"

I didn't answer.

"Trust me. It's just you and me, baby."

No, it was just me. Me with the short end of the stick and no deal.

"Nick."

I shut my eyes and let out a breath. "Aje?"

"What?"

"When are you coming, man? Can you come soon?" I sounded like a little kid but I didn't care.

"You do miss me." The anger was gone, he suddenly sounded amused.

"No."

"You do."

"No," I repeated. "Do you miss me?"

"I don't know when I'll be there." He did miss me, that's why he couldn't say it. "Soon."

"Oh."

"Soon, man, geez. Can you hold on until then?"

"Yeah ..."

But then I was letting go.

-

"Hey Mikey."

"Hey Russ."

"Wanna do me a favor?"

I was trying to get grease of my hands. It wasn't working. "What's the favor."

"I'm gonna be gone tomorrow, I wanted to ask if you could keep an eye on the place for me while I'm gone."

"Me?" I looked up from my hands, frowning slightly.

"Yeah. It's just the usual stuff, nothing major. The other guys know what's going on."

Somebody actually trusted me. But then I tried to cover back up my surprise, concentrating on my hands again. I had seen him smile at my reaction.

"Sure."

Somebody trusted me. I didn't know why. I could have screwed him over so bad. I didn't though, so maybe he was right.

-

I kind of got used to being a guy named Mike. On some days, I even liked it. On others, I honestly wondered what the hell I was doing.

It was pretty ironic because my two fears were my two options. I was afraid of ending it all, and I was afraid of going back to what I'd left. Because once you leave something, it's never the same when you come back. Maybe not being the same was a good thing, because I'd left it for a reason, but I was afraid nonetheless.

And for some reason, at that point, I didn't see an option in between those two. Even if Mike was an easy-going guy without a care or worry in the world, or at least that was what he was supposed to be. He was my character, but for some reason he wasn't fitting the mold.

Everyday, when I woke up as Mike, I felt like I was betraying people. Leading them on. Gaining their trust for something. What bothered me the most was the fact that I was almost getting used to it.

"He likes you a lot, you know," a guy at the pier told me one of the days. We were working on the engine of this crappy little boat that I thought should have been recycled for parts long ago. They seemed to salvage everything. I guess they needed everything.

"What?" We hadn't been talking, and when no one talks to me, my mind sort of drifts away. I was out to sea mentally.

"Russ. He likes you."

That seemed kind of weird to me, him telling me that, so I just nodded. "He's a nice guy."

"You know why he likes you?" He was wiping the grease from his hands onto an already dirty rag.

"Why."

"You remind him of his son."

I didn't say anything to that. I didn't really want to remind anyone of anybody.

"His son took off a couple years back for who knows where, just sort of up and left," the guy continued. He seemed to like filling people in on things. "And since you seem to have up and left from some place too ..."

He trailed off as if the connection was up to me to make from there.

"Oh."

He nodded to himself then, his head tilted over the motor so that I couldn't see his face. "Yeah ..." he seemed to say to himself. "That's what it is."

But then I felt kind of bad. It was like I was filling the place of whoever for the guy, only I wasn't about to stick around that long. I didn't plan on it anyway. I was just trying to bide my time until I figured out what to do. I was waiting for AJ.

"I'm not gonna be around long," I said for a minute, almost to myself.

"He knows."

I wiped the sweat from my brow absently and leaned against the side of the boat, letting out a breath. Damn people. Their whole life was right on the stupid pier, and that's all it was about. A pier. They weren't going anywhere. Boats went and came back. They were never going anywhere either.

It seemed to me they were pretty fucked. But I figured they were better off than me anyway. Look who was the one trying to convince a doctor to give them a week's worth of sleeping pills.

-

"I'm going away."

He was getting used to me, because he just rubbed the stubble on his chin and regarded me silently.

"For two weeks." Too much probably. "Well, maybe one."

There was a moment's pause before he answered.. "Have you given any thought about what I said last time?"

I couldn't even remember what he'd said, never mind if I had given it any thought. I needed a simple route. The pills. "I thought you people gave these out like candy."

"Evidently not, huh."

I hoped that wasn't sarcasm. If it was, I was going to scream.

"Am I going to have to pack away any little pill you give me and save them up so I can go away for a week and be able to sleep?"

"Where exactly are you going away to?" he asked slowly, leaning back in his chair. His degree was on the wall behind him, I noticed it for the first time. The frame was gold.

"Why?"

"Maybe I can recommend you to someone in the area."

I shook my head. "What if it's a camping trip? In the Ozarks?"

"Is it?"

"I think it might be."

He leaned forward again, this time steepling his hands together and resting them on the desk. "What I had said last time was that maybe your sleeping problem can't be solved with pills."

"Maybe it can be solved with someone else's pills. Yours didn't even work." I had taken them all, all two, and waited for something to happen.

They hadn't worked; I had woken up.

The steepled hands came down. "Do you even have a sleeping problem?"

"I want sleeping pills, don't I?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but I cut him off.

"I didn't come to talk things through, man. I know that's what you people like to do, but it's just not what I'm here for."

"You're here just for pills."

"Yes."

"To sleep."

"Yes."

"For how long?"

I knew he had me, he'd had me from the beginning. I just shook my head and pushed back my chair roughly. I headed for the door. "Thanks for nothing."

I guess I should have thanked him for something else.

-

I don't know how long I had been asleep when I heard the knocking. I didn't pay any attention at first, because the person knocking kept saying, "Nick, Nick, Nick, let me in," and I didn't know any Nick. Then another kind of knock sounded over the first dull, bumping knock- a sharp tap-tap.

I swung to my feet and balanced dizzily for a minute in the middle of the dark room. I felt angry with whoever it was for waking me up. All I had a chance of getting out of the stupid night was a good sleep, and they had to wake me and spoil it. I figured if I pretended to be asleep the knocking might go away and leave me alone in peace, but I waited, and it didn't.

He was back.

I knew it before I opened the door, but even then I was a little surprised. I couldn't even open the door all the way, I just stared at him. I felt still half-asleep, so maybe I was dreaming.

"Hey."

I didn't answer. Something inside my head told me that I should still be mad at him.

"Were you sleepin'?" This time he pushed against the door gently, forcing me to take a step back.

I had to let go of the door as he closed it behind him. "AJ?"

"Yeah."

"What're you doing?"

"Comin' back."

I stared at him a second, rubbing the side of my face absently. I couldn't concentrate.

AJ studied me. "Man. Why don't you go back to bed, alright? I'll talk to you in the morning."

That sounded good. I just stared at him though, narrowing my eyes.

"Go back to bed," he stressed.

"Will you be here in the morning?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

I didn't answer. I had a hundred reasons why, but my sleep-clouded mind decided against sharing them. I just shook my head instead.

-

When I woke in the morning, I remembered it as a dream. That's how it felt. A blurry memory that I almost didn't remember. Instead of hoping it were true, I convinced myself it wasn't before I even sat up in bed. But when I came out, there he was.

His back was to me when I entered the room, and for a second, just a second, it felt like no time had passed since the last time he was there. That thought made me mad though, because time had passed. Things were different. And he would probably act as though they weren't.

I was glad to see him though, even though I told myself I shouldn't be.

"Jay."

He looked up quickly and a smile played on his lips. "Hey ... g'morning."

"Hey," I answered, and against my first intentions I dropped down on the couch next to him. He elbowed me slightly.

"How you doing."

I shrugged slightly, watching the lit cigarette in his hand flicker slightly. "Okay."

"You sleep good?"

I shook my head, still not looking at him.

"No?"

I shook my head again.

"Why not?"

I shrugged, and felt him elbow me again.

"You not gonna talk to me?"

I shrugged again.

"I missed you, man."

I smiled just slightly at that involuntarily, but I still kept my gaze away from him.

I was glad to see him, but I wasn't. I never had time to set anything in my mind, not when he was here, and not when he wasn't. Before I did at one, he always went to the other.

"What're you doing today?"

"Don't act like that," I told him, finally catching his eye.

"Act like what?"

"Like you never left."

"I'm not."

"You are." He was. "You're acting like nothing's changed. Well a lot's changed, okay? You can't just pretend nothing did. It doesn't work that way, it -"

"Hold up. I'm not."

I didn't answer.

"I got it. Thing's have changed. Things are entirely different than what they were before. Nothing's the same. Right?"

I shook my head slowly, feeling like he was mocking me or something the way he said it.

"Jumping's kinda messy," I told him, narrowing my eyes. "I thought of something else."

He didn't answer right away, and for some reason that annoyed me. I started to get up.

And got pulled back down. "Can you sit still for five minutes? Talk things through entirely for once? You're always leaving."

"Bullshit. You're such a hypocrite! I'm the one who's been here the whole time while you leave and go off who know's where."

He ignored me. He always ignored the things about himself. "Calm down for five minutes. Talk to me for just five minutes, alright?"

"You gonna leave again after that?" I said sarcastically. "After the five minutes is up?"

His eyes narrowed, and I suddenly wished I hadn't said anything at all.

"You'd like that, huh? Me to disappear and not come back at all, huh? If that's what you want, fine. We don't even have to talk about it."

"No," I interrupted quickly, starting to grow nervous. I couldn't judge his words. I wouldn't know what to do. "Please. Sorry, man. I was just pissed. I'm sorry."

He just stared at me, slowly raising the cigarette to his mouth for the first time since I'd been there. "Don't be sorry. I ain't leaving."

He would eventually. Or me first. It as inevitable.

"Listen man, I'm sorry for leaving you. I had my reasons."

I told myself his sorries didn't mean anything to me at all. Even if they were few and far between.

He drew in on the cigarette slowly, leaning back. "I would leave again for the same reasons."

"You just said you're not leaving."

"I'm not."

I frowned to myself, making a slight face.

"I'm just saying."

"Let's not talk about it anymore," I said. "I don't wanna talk about it anymore." Some things were better left unsaid. To me, most things.

He chuckled slightly. "I thought you wanted to talk about it."

I shook my head.

"You upset with me now?"

I shook my head again but hesitated. "Yeah."

"Alright, I'll give you that much. I'd probably want to kick your ass too."

I just shook my head, leaning back further into the couch. If he hadn't come back, I probably would have become Mike. "What's your plans now?"

"There you go with plans ..."

"Fuck you, AJ."

He laughed. "Alright, give me a second to make up some plans to tell you."

I silently bit the inside of my cheek, letting out a breath. I started wondering why I had wanted him back here.

"You still wanting to go back, man?"

"Still?" I repeated. "I've never wanted to go back."

"Don't start with that."

"I haven't."

"You have. The whole time." He shook his head at me as I opened my mouth to answer. "Forget it, I'm asking about right now."

I chewed my lower lip as I thought. "Right now I think I wanna go to Hawaii."

"Will you be serious?"

"I am serious. Think about it. We didn't exactly get our island paradise trip right here."

"We weren't after an island paradise trip, Nick."

I kept my mouth pressed in a straight line. "I thought that was what this was all about."

"If it was an island getaway it was for the getaway part, not the island, man."

"You mean all this time ..."

"Man, shut up. Answer my question."

"I told you already."

"I didn't hear a yes or no. I heard a Hawaii."

I held up my hands slightly.

"Yes or no."

"I don't know, man. You're always asking me the same thing."

"It's because you never answer." He hit me in the leg. "You answer and I'll stop asking."

I just leaned my head back and started humming to myself, trying to think. Jimmy Buffet's 'Margaritaville'.

"Is that supposed to mean something?"

I stopped. "I don't think so."

He looked me for a minute, so long that I turned my head away. "I think we're gonna go back," he said finally, voice rough.

My heart sort of stopped. "What? Why?"

"Because that's what I'm thinking." He stuck his cigarette in his mouth again and pulled himself off the couch.

-

I think I was a little upset. A little pissed really. It wasn't at AJ directly, but him in general. Well not really him in general, what he did in general.

I left him in the morning, I went to the pier like I did everyday. Only this time, it felt different.

Going back sounded foreign to me. What worried to me was that in the back of my mind, I wasn't entirely against it. Maybe it was just the thought of going back to something I had known for so many years, no matter how crappy it was. Routine.

I didn't know. Something was going to change, either way. I'd left it for a reason, going back didn't seem right. The way I had planned things in my mind, I shouldn't have even been needing to think about going back or staying.

And the one thing I had let myself have, my temporary outlet, was about to be destroyed. It had to be, with AJ back. Sometimes I really didn't know whose thing this was, mine or his.

"Russ."

"Yeah?"

I wasn't sure how to phrase what I wanted to say, and it took me a second to get anything out at all. "I wanted to ask you something."

"Shoot," he said absently. He was working in some sort of logbook.

"You know I'm not gonna stick around here forever, right?"

I saw his head nod slightly, it sort of caught me off-guard. "I know."

I rubbed my upper lip, and leaned against the counter. "I might not show up one day."

The absent nod came again. "Mm-hm."

I was silent for a moment. I guess he knew more about me than I did. That wasn't so hard to do. Or maybe it was the fact that his son had left too, and never come back.

I didn't really want to do that to anybody, but no matter what I did from this point on would be doing exactly that. It was a case of chronic not-coming-back's.

"Okay," I said finally.

"Oh, and hey," he said, finally lifting his head when I started away.

I hesitated.

"Paycheck."

I made a face, but I let him give it to me. When he got up to go get a beer, I slid it back into his logbook and quickly headed to the door. I know he looked at me then, but I couldn't look back.

-

It was a setup, sort of. I don't know whether maybe I wanted to get back at him, at both of them, or if I wanted to see what would happen. Maybe I thought seeing him again might make me decide once and for all what really was in my head.

I laid in bed, staring up at the ceiling as if my eyes were fixed on it. I couldn't blink.

I tried to fix it all in my mind. Straighten it out. Trying to think was like trying to read a crumpled up piece of paper with your hands tied behind your back.

I could have ended it easy. Before, then, whenever. I realized that then, and I don't think it had hit me before. The ending part was easy. There were a hundred and one ways. It was the part that led up to that, that was the part that really had me going. I really wondered what it was I really wanted.

I didn't know. It wasn't attention, I had attention. It wasn't self-satisfaction, I didn't need that. I didn't need anything. Maybe less. But I was creating more.

The only one standing in my way the entire time was me. At first, I mentally blamed it on AJ. AJ was the one stopping me. But the more I thought about it, it was more the worry for him that was holding up the red light, not AJ himself. I thought I had really wanted it, but then why was a laying here right now. Nothing was stopping me.

I needed another change.

The phone rang three times before anyone picked up.

"Hello?"

"I'm in California," I said, keeping my voice low.

There was a second pause, as if Brian didn't want to say the wrong thing. So he just repeated what I said. "California."

"Yeah. Can you come out?"

"You want me to come out?"

"I'm asking you, aren't I?" I stretched one arm back over my head in the dark, feeling the headboard of the bed. He still had no clue.

"You alright?"

"I'm great."

There was another small pause, and then a small laugh. "Nick."

"Yeah."

"What the hell are you doing?"

"Talking to you," I said absently. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"No ... It's just sort of sudden."

I felt the wall and then dropped my hand back on a pillow. "I'll tell you what airport, what highway, what exit."

"Why're you talking so low?"

I ignored him. "Alright?"

"Yeah ..."

I heard a pen scratching against paper as I relayed those things to him and then waited. I swear he muttered something.

"When are you coming?" I asked finally.

"How's Thursday?"

I would have to look at a calendar to even see when that was. "Fine."

I heard the paper being put somewhere.

"If you wanted to get away so bad, I would have helped you out. Come with you."

"That wouldn't have been getting away," I said softly, pulling the comforter over half my face. There was guilt in the air, and I didn't like it.

"You went with AJ."

"He went with me." I wasn't so sure about that, but I said it anyway.

"I would have went with you."

"It's different."

"Why?"

"It just is, okay? It's a different thing."

There was a moment of silence, I think he was hurt. If he was, it was his own damn fault.

"Don't tell anyone where you're going," I told him. "Don't tell Kevin."

"Yeah," was all he said.

I pulled the comforter over my head entirely.

"Did you get what you wanted?"

I frowned in the darkness. "What do you mean?"

"From disappearing." He almost sounded annoyed, like now that he had me, the game was over. "Did you fulfill whatever it was you wanted."

"I don't even know what the hell I wanted," I answered in regular volume, pulling the blanket off my face. I flipped off the phone and let my eyes drift back up to the ceiling.

He was coming.

I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but it was a change. Something needed to change. When he came, I wouldn't be around. I knew that much already.

But AJ would. If I did the setting up, they could do the figuring out. It was only fair.

There was a soft knock at my door.

"Yeah?"

The door creaked open slowly. "Do you have your phone?"

I pushed it at him and he came into the darkened room to retrieve it. "Do you have car keys?" I asked.

"You're not going out, you're half asleep as it is."

Honestly I just wanted them for when Brian came. When Brian came, I fled. That was the plan. I watched AJ carefully as he picked the cellphone off of the bed. It would be hypocritical of him to care.

"You can go out in the morning," he was saying as he headed back to the door.

I could get the keys tomorrow.

"Okay."

"Night, man."

"Who're you calling?"

"No one."

It made me curious who, but I really didn't care.

He was still hesitating by the door. "You alright?"

What an act. "Why?"

"I just feel like something's up."

"Nothing's up."

"You sure?" He was looking at me now, as if that would tell him everything he needed to know. He was probably suspicious. He didn't have a right to be, even if he had a reason. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah."

"Alright ... night man."

"Night."

The door shut and left me in the dark. I waited until my eyes adjusted and went back to staring at the ceiling. Nothing was going to figure itself out.

-

Thursday came and I fled. I took the car, left my phone, and disappeared. I limited the disappearance to a ten minute radius, but I still wasn't sure what I was doing. Whether it was because I really planned it or was just simply afraid of facing reality, I don't know. I was sick of people pretending to care when they really didn't have a clue. I figured AJ could face the reality by himself and fill me in another time.

What I did do was go to a coffee place and not order any coffee. I just sat there. If the thoughts that were going through my mind then were ever put down on paper, people would really think I was crazy. Sometimes, the truth is shocking.

There was that catch though. If you thought you were crazy, you weren't. The real crazy ones don't know that they're crazy. But that didn't make any sense anyway. You would never know.

My day felt long. I spent most of it just thinking and driving around. When I couldn't take any more of that I stopped at a movie theater and saw a movie.

When it was over I got up and walked to the theater next to it and sat through the end half of that movie. I did that about three more times, until I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't picking up anything from the films, I could have seen the same one every time and I wouldn't have even known.

I figured enough time had passed. Enough time for Brian to have gotten there, for him and AJ to discuss things, for the two of them to sort something out between themselves, something I could maybe pick up on another time.

When I drove back the apartment, I parked the car in the lot and let myself in the lobby of the place. There was a payphone there, and I used to it to dial my cell phone.

"Where the fuck are you?"

The way AJ answered it really set me off. "Hell man, what if it wasn't me- that's how you answer my phone?"

"It is you though, isn't it, you prick."

"You sound annoyed."

"I am annoyed, man. Jesus. Fuck you for setting me up."

"Setting you up?" I glanced around the empty lobby and suddenly thought how funny it was of me to be in the same building and him having no idea. Just went to show, the man never knew. For once, I was pleased with myself. I liked having the upper hand for once.

I heard Brian's voice in the background and AJ saying something incomprehensible back.

"Where are you." The question sounded like a statement. A command really.

"I'm still in Cali."

"Man, this is a waste of time. What the hell were you thinking?"

"You wanted to go back. You're the one who was making all the plans, deciding when everything happened, what everything was. I'm just getting the ball rolling in my own way."

"You know what, talk to Brian. Talk to your buddy," AJ muttered. I heard the phone being switched over but there was a muffled moment of silence on my end.

"Nick?" Brian's voice finally came through.

"Have a nice trip?"

"What are you doing, man?"

I rubbed my face with my hand. "I figured, I mean, it's pretty easy to get flights this time of year. Not so busy."

"Nick."

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

"I don't know." I let out a breath. "I don't know, Bri. Honestly, I just ... I want to fix things, fix things in my head."

"We can work through things."

"No- ... no. Just me. I need to fix things with just me." I suddenly wasn't so sure what I was going to do with this situation. It was kind of awkward.

"It'll work out, some things just take time," he was saying.

Some things he just didn't know about.

There were muffled words exchanged again.

"Are you and AJ still fighting?"

"You set us up to duel it out, didn't you?" Brian asked.

I couldn't answer that. In a way, yes.

"What were you gonna do then, huh? Go with the winner? Stay on your little vacation if he won?"

"This was my thing," I said suddenly. "Not his. He may have needed it more, but it was my thing. He was just done with it sooner."

"I just don't understand, man ... What was the point?"

He sounded just as far away upstairs as when he was back in Florida. I shook my head, pressing my lips together. The point? If he didn't know the point by now ...

"It's not like you can't take breaks," he was saying.

It wasn't a break.

"... but sometimes there's a certain way you have to go about things."

"I needed to get away."

"Well you did. You still are." His tone was as if it was a whole waste of time, like I didn't know what I was doing.

"You don't understand."

"Help me understand."

"You can't," I muttered.

"You're not the only one who feels like they have problems you know."

That ruined it for me, those words. Fuck him. Because everyone had problems, they all meant nothing. Those words made me mad.

Before I could answer him though, arms grabbed me roughly from behind and I dropped the phone. It dangled down on its cord, knocking against the wall several times as I struggled against the hold.

"Think you're funny or something?"

"Get off, AJ," I hissed as he pushed me against the wall. I managed to push him away once, but he came right back at me. "Get off."

"What do you think you're doing?"

"Talking on the phone." I shoved him away as he hit me in the head. When I reached for the dangling receiver, he grabbed my arm.

"Nicky, what is this, a game?"

An involuntary smile crossed my face. "It could be."

He hit me in the side. "You're pissing me off."

"I can't talk to him." I motioned to the phone.

"You can't talk to your buddy?" His voice was sarcastic. I pulled against him to reach for the receiver and hang it back up. I felt sick.

"How'd you know I was here?"

"I saw the car back in the lot."

"Well just leave me alone, okay?"

"Leave you alone? You set up all this shit and you want me to leave you alone?"

"Stop ... just stop."

AJ shook his head at me. "It's not gonna stop now, babe. Jesus." He started pulling me toward the elevator.

"I don't want to talk to him. I can't talk to him anymore. I used to be able to talk to him but I can't anymore."

"What the hell did you get him here for then?"

I was silent for a minute, but I let him shove me through the opening metal doors.

"Well?"

"I don't know, okay? Just shut up for a minute, geez."

AJ was silently fuming to himself. He's good at that. When we reached our floor though, it suddenly wasn't just to himself. "I don't know why the hell I came with you here, man, I really don't. Everything's gonna be shitty after this."

"I didn't make you come," I told him. "And I didn't make you stay either."

"I didn't say you did." AJ glared at me. "Did I say that?"

"No, but it's what you meant."

"Don't tell me what I mean, Nick, don't even start."

The doors slid open with a ding and I stepped out before he could, striding down the hall ahead of him. Damn him. I couldn't take it any more. When I got closer to our door though, my approach slowed involuntarily.

I got a push from behind.

"You made him come."

"Shut up," I told him. He pushed at me again and I reached for the doorknob.

Brian surprised me when we came in. He actually gave me a hug. Not something I expected. I began to wonder if he realized I had set him up. Tried to at least.

"You alright?" he was asking.

I didn't answer.

"You didn't greet me like that," AJ muttered, dropping down on the couch without even looking at us.

I rubbed the side of my face. Something was telling me that the odds weren't in my favor in this round. "You have a good flight?" I asked it again, as if I hadn't on the phone, to break the silence.

"Yeah."

"I figured, I mean, it's pretty easy-"

"Nick," he interrupted.

I just stopped.

"God," AJ said after a moment. "I just love entertaining." Pure, unhidden sarcasm. "Something to drink, Brian? We've got beer ... some more beer, that's about it. That is unless Nick drank it when I was gone."

Brian's eyes shot to him. "That's right. I thought you were gone."

AJ stared back, eyes warning him to stay out.

I didn't want to be there.

"Guys, I think your vacation is over."

"It's not a vacation," I said it slowly, as if I was spelling it out.

"Your getaway, whatever you think it is. It's time to come back to reality like everyone else."

My eyes narrowed slightly. My assumption that he would have understood by now, would have had some semblance of comprehension, was slowly but surely turning to dust.

AJ was shaking his head. "Man, you just have no clue, do you."

"You're right," Brian said flatly. "I don't. Is this your way of saying it's over, you quit, what?" He was looking at me now. "Honestly? I have no clue what you're doing."

"Honestly, Brian?" AJ repeated. "Honestly? Neither does he. Don't ask him what he's doing, he hasn't known from the start." The way he said it was almost sarcastic, like he wasn't on my side anymore. If he ever was.

Before I could even judge, he was up and heading for the kitchen. I just sank down into the couch, grabbing the remote control and flipping on the TV. I didn't want this.

Brian was looking at me.

"Why did you call me out here?"

I glanced at him, his question floating in the air. I shook my head slightly. "I don't know." My voice was soft.

"You don't know."

I shook my head again, flipping of the TV. I didn't want it.

"What's up with you, man? What is it."

I shrugged, tempted to turn the television back on. "I don't know. And stop. I can't talk to you."

"You can't talk to me?"

"No."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

"But you can talk to AJ."

"I don't know."

Something hit me in the back of the head. AJ. "Talk to him, for God's sake," he said, bringing his beer to his lips. "You called him here for some reason."

I stayed silent, ignoring him.

Brian cleared his throat. "How long were you planning to keep this up anyway?"

"Not much longer," AJ muttered. "I mean, it wasn't supposed to be forever, it wasn't supposed to mess up the group."

"It might have taken forever," I muttered.

"With you."

There was a sudden silence. I didn't like the feeling of things being over. I didn't like the discussion moving toward it either, and that's what it felt like.

So I got up, left the two of them in the room alone, and headed through the kitchen toward the balcony. I slid the thick glass door open and stepped out into the warm breeze, hearing the surf. It sounded different. I pulled the curtain closed behind me before I pulled the door shut and locked it.

Then I just sort of let out a long breath and set myself down on the cool concrete floor, leaning back against the wall.

I was kind of in the corner, but I liked it. It felt quiet, it felt calm, and I told myself nothing was going on. Nothing had to do with me. I could shut my eyes and when I woke up from the black, it could be bright and new again.

I didn't think I had any time to ever make anything bright and new again.

I cursed out loud as my point was proven by the sound of the other glass door being slid open. The one from the bedroom. I hadn't thought to lock it.

I opened my eyes. "Five minutes, AJ, geez." I was relieved it was him though.

He shook his head. "Five minutes isn't going to make a difference."

I didn't answer as he dropped down on the ground next to me, leaning his back against the wall with a groan. "You dumbass." He said it fondly though.

"This feels like deja vu."

"It is deja vu. You running out again."

"Is Brian gone?"

"Man, I don't understand you. You're the reason he's here. You."

"What's he doing?"

"Contemplating where he went wrong in raising you."

"He didn't raise me."

"Well there's his problem."

I shook my head. Sometimes the man just didn't make any sense at all.

"Last time we were like this, you told me you were leaving."

I thought about that.

"Are you gonna tell me again?" It was like he was pulling something out of me.

"I don't know."

"Man ..."

"It fucked me over last time. It was the wrong thing to do."

"You think so?"

"I don't know." I really didn't know.

"Just because something's not right doesn't mean it's wrong."

I shook my head at the ground, stretching out my feet in front of me. "Sometimes it does... Sometimes it's just wrong."

"Not this time."

"Jay ..." I shook my head again slightly, listening to the surf. I wanted to stay there, sitting there, forever. "I don't know what I'm doing this time."

There was hardly a hesitation from him, but it was there.

"I think we should go back." He said it, flat out, but somehow, I just didn't believe him. The sky was darkening, slowly eating itself away.

I didn't answer. Going back scared me.

"It's the best thing right now, man. If we need more time, we can work on it there."

I kept my silence.

"I don't know," AJ was saying suddenly.

I turned. "Don't ... Just keep saying what you were saying."

He glanced at me. "Tell me what you think."

I shook my head.

He stayed silent then too, leaning his head back against the wall and watching the sky eat itself. The minutes were going by, and suddenly I remembered Brian was inside.

"I wanted everything to be fixed when I came back," I said slowly.

"It's not gonna change unless you do something about it."

"I did do something about it."

"No, you moved away from it."

Getting away from it was half the battle for me, but it was looking pretty useless.

"I don't know what I want, man..." I started to pick myself off the ground, but when I thought about going back inside I quickly sank back down to the concrete.

"You asked for him to come." He knew I couldn't face Brian.

I couldn't comment.

"He does care, I'll admit that," AJ muttered. "He's here."

I wondered if that meant AJ cared. He was here too.

"Did you mean what you said before?" I looked straight at the bars in front of me, thinking back to when I was stepping on top of them. It felt so long ago. "About everything being shitty when we get back."

He took a long time to answer, so long I almost thought he hadn't heard me.

"Aje ..."

"Yeah."

"So you meant it?"

"Well it's gonna be different. But is that necessarily a bad thing?"

I shrugged. It could be.

"You said 'when' not 'if'," AJ commented, elbowing me slightly.

"Yeah."

"So it's inevitable."

"It's inevitable," I repeated.

-

I felt like everything around me was spinning, almost like I had gotten up too quickly. Except it wasn't going away. I felt like I was underwater, drowning.

Flights were being called, people were rushing by, coming, going, bags were being dropped off, checked in, picked up. I felt lost in the midst of it. I didn't know what I was doing.

"You alright?"

Brian was the first one to question when I stopped walking in the terminal. I just pulled my baseball cap lower by the rim and nodded slightly. Fine.

"What're you thinking?"

That was AJ's question, and I just shook my head at him.

I wasn't ready. I wasn't about to tell him that, but I wasn't. Nothing had settled yet. It was giving me motion sickness.

When we grabbed three seats at our gate after checking in our bags, I had to move. I couldn't do it. I felt like I was rushing something.

"I have to piss," I said, pushing my way out of my seat.

AJ was giving me a funny look, as if he knew something was up, but Brian nodded. AJ glanced at him, then back at me, staying silent the whole time. I think he knew. But he never said a word.

-

I didn't know what I was doing.

I knew what I was doing was the wrong thing, the problem was in my not being sure what the right thing was. Nothing felt right. That was my problem. The problem.

"Do you have a map of the area?" I asked at the booking desk.

Everything was set up to go back. I wasn't going to be alone in it. I didn't know why there was a sinking feeling in my stomach whenever I thought about it.

I didn’t know why I was running away from it.

"Here you go, sir."

I took the map from the woman and turned away from the counter without thanking her. I didn't want to thank anybody for giving me another option.

I sat down on the curb.

I didn't need any more options. I needed one set direction to go in, with no exits. No turnoffs. There weren't any directions like that.

A lot of cars passed me. Taxis were picking up people, vans were dropping other people off. I watched about eight family reunions and then pulled out my cell phone.

I went through about twenty names in my saved numbers and then came back to one that I had already passed. I stared at it again for a little while uncertainly and then slowly pressed the talk button.

It rang about three times before someone picked up.

"Hello."

I hesitated at Kevin's voice, not sure what to say, how to ask it. But I needed to know. So I worded it the same way I had for AJ.

"Will things be shitty if I come back tonight?"

Silence. There was a long pause.

Then, "Nick?" He said my name as if he had just realized who it was.

"Yeah."

A taxi pulled in front of the curb and the driver gave me a dirty, condescending look. It made me uneasy. Luckily two people moved forward to get the ride.

I realized I hadn't said anything back to Kevin.

"Listen," I said softly. "I was just-"

"Nick," he interrupted.

I stayed silent. All I wanted to know is what I had to expect if I got on the plane.

"Are you alright?"

"Just answer the question." I knew he didn't care if I was alright or not. He couldn't. He couldn't understand.

There was nothing but silence.

"Kevin."

"Just come back and we'll figure out things when you and AJ get here." It was obvious he wanted to say more, but he didn't. I guess he didn't want to push me away.

"And Brian." I don't know why I was keeping my voice low, but for some reason I felt the need.

"Brian?" There was a pause. "He said he went to Leigh's parents."

"He lied." I was genuinely surprised he had too.

Another pause. It felt long.

I looked down at my wrist for the time, but I wasn’t wearing a watch. Ever since I had left, the days had had no time.

"Nick, what were you thinking?"

I should have expected that question, but I didn’t. It caught me a little off-guard.

"Or did AJ-"

"This was my idea," I interrupted. I clicked off the phone and picked myself off the curb as another van pulled up to the curb. People were getting out. I quickly moved ahead so as not to get caught in their midst, and my cell phone started to ring.

It was Kevin calling back. I turned it off.

I was going to try and take a step in the other direction again.

Back at the gate, it had cleared out a bit. I saw Brian sitting there, by himself, and so I approached slowly. He didn’t look up until I was a foot in front of him.

"We thought you left." He said it stoically, his face a blank mask that I couldn’t decipher.

"Where’s AJ."

"Needed a cigarette."

I nodded slightly, and then took a seat. I left a space between us, pulling a bag up there as if I needed it there to look for something.

"We missed our flight."

I looked up. "We did?"

He nodded.

I frowned slightly, shaking my head. "Why didn’t you guys just leave, you thought I had."

He shrugged and didn’t give an answer, so I stopped looking at him.

For about five minutes, we sat there in silence. There was nothing to talk about. Nothing to discuss, or at least nothing we could start to discuss. I had begun to wonder what we were waiting for, since the flight had already departed, when a voice came from behind me.

"That was one long piss, man."

I turned my head to look at AJ. Like Brian, he didn’t have any expression on his face either, which kind of gave me the impression that he was annoyed.

"You change your mind?" He was pulling the bag off of the seat and taking its place. He reeked of smoke. I don’t think he cared.

"I just took a walk."

"No, you didn’t."

"You knew I was leaving," I muttered, staring straight ahead. "You just didn’t say anything."

He stayed silent, but he didn’t deny it. I knew he had.

Brian’s head turned, and he gave AJ this weird look. Something a mix between annoyance and surprise, more annoyance than the surprise really. "You knew?"

AJ didn’t answer. It was like I wasn’t even there, the way they were talking about me. I stayed out of it.

"You knew but you just let him go, just like that?" He was sounding angry now.

This time AJ gave him the irritated look. "Leave it, Brian."

"And what if he didn’t come back? What the hell were we going to do then?"

AJ shook his head. "He’s back, isn’t he?"

"But what if he wasn’t," Brian repeated.

"Shit man, I knew he was gonna come back, okay?"

"How?"

AJ didn’t answer. For a second I thought he was going to get up.

"How the hell, AJ? And why didn’t you say anything."

"Why don’t you just stay out of it, Brian," I said sharply.

Brian looked at me with that same look and then got up. "I’ll be back," he muttered, annoyed. I wondered if he would be.

I let out a huff and crossed my arms over my chest.

AJ was looking at me now, not pleased.

"What," I growled.

"Why the hell did you say that?"

I shrugged.

"Don’t tell him to stay out."

I didn’t answer and he hit me in the arm.

"Nick, I’m serious. We’re trying to fix things."

"You’re not doing a good job yourself, AJ."

"I’m not the one telling him to fuck off every five seconds."

"I didn’t say that."

"You might as well have."

I wasn’t going to argue him on it. "What’s his problem anyway?"

He didn’t answer for a second, I guess he was thinking. "He didn’t know you were gonna leave when you got up before."

"So?"

"I did."

It still wasn’t making much sense to me. I think my expression told him that.

"He doesn’t understand you anymore and he thinks I do," AJ said flatly. "How do you think he feels?"

I frowned slightly at that. "Did he tell you this?"

AJ didn’t answer.

"Maybe you should stop trying to analyze him, AJ."

"Will you stop being a prick long enough to take a look around, man? Jesus, he’s wrong. I don’t understand you at all."

I stared at him, a little hurt at his tone.

"Nicky-"

"Don’t look at me like that."

"All I’m saying is that maybe if you stop trying to push everybody away-"

"I don’t push everybody away."

A smile flickered across his lips, his deep brown eyes looked almost amused. Sadly amused.

"Don’t look at me like that," I repeated.

He didn’t answer. He didn’t look away either.

"Why’d you come with me anyway then? If I ‘pushed you away’ and everything." I said it sarcastically.

"You didn’t push me away," he said slowly.

"Then why didn’t you stop me."

He shrugged. "I don’t like people telling me what to do."

I looked across the terminal, which had emptied out considerably. "Do you think this was a waste of time?"

He shook his head no, not looking at me anymore. I didn’t think so either, not anymore. For one thing, I think we both understood each other a little more. Even though we said we didn’t.

"Did you come along just to stop me from doing stuff?"

"Honestly?" He looked at me and cracked a small smile. His eyes looked sad though. "I think I wanted it more than you."

I knew that.

"I still want it more than you," he added softly, shaking his head.

I nodded slightly. I knew that too.

"You scared me sometimes."

I looked at him seriously. "You scare me a lot of the time."

Something dropped into my lap before he could answer. A narrow ticket envelope for another flight. I looked up.

"It’s departing in ten minutes," Brian said, pointing to another terminal. "Over there."

AJ was already getting to his feet. I followed suit slowly.

"We can talk about it," I said to him.

He shook his head no and pulled his bag over his shoulder roughly, already heading toward the other terminal. I frowned slightly.

"He alright?" Brian’s voice came from my other side.

I glanced at him, hesitating slightly. "I don’t know."

Brian was busy picking up his bag, and he didn’t answer right away. "This trip ... This was your thing?"

I reached for my bag as he straightened up, not catching his eye. Up until this point I had been adamant about that one single fact, but now it was being asked directly and I wasn’t even sure anymore.

"I don’t know."

I looked over and AJ was just standing there, looking out the windows at the planes, his bag at his feet. I guess he was waiting for us.

The flight was being called.

"It doesn’t matter now," Brian said, starting to walk.

"Yeah ..." It sort of did though.

AJ cut himself away from the window as we approached. I noticed for the first time how bloodshot his eyes were. "Nicky, do you have to piss?"

I shook my head.

"I do."

I shook my head at him again.

"There’s one on the plane," Brian said.

AJ was looking at me.

"Yeah," I said.

Brian moved ahead a little, and I turned back to AJ.

"We can do it again," I said softly.

He looked at me and shook his head. "We do it again and I ain’t going back, Nick. Even if I miss it."

"You miss it this time?"

"Let’s just get on the plane, alright?"

"You miss it this time," I said.

He didn’t answer. We had to board before he ever did.

Our seats were toward the back of the plane, and as I got in after Brian, I turned my head toward AJ, wondering something. It was the same question I had wondered when I had gotten on the plane that brought us here.

"What," he said hoarsely, sitting down.

"No regrets?"

His answer took so long I doubted its validity.

"No regrets."

I nodded slightly as something cold settled to the bottom of my stomach. I turned my eyes straight ahead at the back of the seat in front of me, blinking quickly.

No regrets.

The End