Her dream shifted again and Emily was no longer in the "House of Carters" house. Now she was nine years old and she was laying in her bed in her childhood home, staring up at the ceiling and praying like hell. She could hear her mother screaming down the hall, and as familiar as those sounds had become, she was still terrified.

She rolled over in bed and covered her head with the pillows in attempt to muffle her sobs. This way they couldn't hear her. She stayed like that for several long minutes until she was absolutely sure the screaming had stopped. She slowly eased herself up on the bed and planted her feet on the hardwood floor. She knew the steps by heart now; one to the left, three to the right, two forward... this way the floorboards wouldn't screech out her existence. She edged her way to the door and slipped silently out into the hallway. Had he gone? The kitchen light was still on so it wasn't safe yet. She slipped back into her room and closed the door tightly behind her.

That was when she accidently made the mistake of tripping over the laundry basket that was sitting beside her dresser. She was pretty certain she'd injured her ankle and she really wanted to cry... to scream. But instead she struggled quickly back to the bed and flung herself under the covers, hoping... praying that perhaps the commotion hadn't been as loud as she'd thought it had. That perhaps he still hadn't heard her.

Moments later she knew she was wrong.

She heard the sound of footsteps thundering harshly down the hall and her heart raced within her chest. She peeked out from beneath the blanket and could see the doorknob turning. She rolled over quickly and feigned sleep. Maybe he'd buy it... not likely though. She heard him cross the floor and felt his cold, cruel hands reach down and grab hold of her...

"NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" She screamed out into the darkness as she felt his grip tighten on her shoulders and jerked her body madly in a futile attempt to get away.

He let go.

Why did he let go... he never let go.

"Emily! Em!" She could hear the voice... but it wasn't his voice... and he never called her 'Em'.

"Emily! Wake up!"

Suddenly Emily was opening her eyes and she was no longer in her old bedroom. She was back in that hotel room in Tennessee. And the hands on her shoulders weren't his... and neither was the voice she was hearing.

Instead, she found herself staring up into Brian's concerned blue eyes. She breathed deeply and tried her best to calm her shattered nerves, repeating the mantra she knew all too well... "It was just a dream... it was just a dream..."

He sat down beside her on the bed and reached out a comforting hand. She edged closer to the other side, away from his touch. She couldn't be touched... not just then. Not after all that. He looked confused but backed off quickly. "Emily are you okay? Do you want me to get Nick?"

She shook her head vigorously. There was nothing he could do for her. Hell... there was nothing anyone could do for her.

The sat together in silence for a few moments before she finally relaxed enough to move back to her side of the bed where Brian was seated, and lay down. He was still eyeing her cautiously. She closed her eyes to avoid his stare and rolled over on her stomach thinking maybe he'd take the hint... maybe he would leave. Not that it wasn't something of a comfort to have him there, but she'd never let him know that.

"Are you sure you're alright?" He asked reaching out tentatively and pushing the hair from her eyes with his fingers.

This time she let him.

"I'm sure." She said, still breathing heavily... "It was just a bad dream." She muttered it several more times hoping maybe the more she said it the more convincing it would sound.

He nodded but didn't jump up to leave, staying for several more long minutes before he finally asked the one question Emily always dreaded most. The one question they always asked.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She shook her head again. "It's nothing, really... just a dumb dream. I promise."

He nodded again but she knew he didn't believe her. And honestly if she was in his position, she probably wouldn't believe herself either.

"I guess I'm gonna go to bed then," he finally gave up, "is there anything you need before I do?"

"No..." She replied, shaking her head, "thanks Brian."

He sighed and nodded, standing to leave the room. He paused by the door for a moment and looked back towards where she was laying, shaking his head in defeat. Emily watched as he turned to leave the room, stopping momentarily to turn off the light.

"Brian," she interupted his exit.

"Yeah?"

"Can you maybe... leave that on. I think I may read for a little while or something." She held up a book from the nightstand to make her point. It wasn't really why she wanted him to leave the light on, but she was too embarassed to admit that just now she was afraid of the darkness. Afraid of what would come if he turned those lights off again.

She could see the doubt in his eyes as he gave her one last concerned glance. Once again they weren't buying into her lies. But even still he pulled his hand away from the light switch and nodded, "Of course sweetheart. But try to get some rest... okay?"

"I will." She replied flashing him her best version of a pathetic smile.

"I wish."

She thought silently to herself.

Emily had been laying in bed for what felt like forever. Having the lights on helped ease her anxiety a little, but she was still afraid to fall back to sleep. She yawned, exhausted, but there was no way she was going to close her eyes. Not this time. Once he'd come to her dreams he was there to stay. Waking up couldn't make him go away... and neither could sleeping with the lights on. She closed her eyes and he was there. She covered her face with the pillow to try and hide her thoughts, but there he was again, towering over her. And of course she knew what was coming next, what always came next... so she just refused close her eyes and let the images in at all.

She turned towards the clock that sat on the nightstand. It had only been an hour since Brian had left the room. One measily hour.

She was beginning to believe this night would never end.

The voices had returned. They were with her nearly constantly now, taunting her and reminding her all time how easy it would be to just let go and end it all.

"They won't miss you," they would say...

"You're worthless."

"You're nobody."

Those voices inside her head sounded an awful lot like him.

She slid out of bed and moved over to the window. "We're on the 12th floor," she thought to herself as she peered out the window and down to the parking lot below, "it would definitely be high enough."

She shook her head and backed away quickly, taking deep breaths in and out. It wasn't her thinking these things. It couldn't really be her. This was all too crazy. And besides... that would be way too gruesome. Way too painful for everyone else. She didn't want to end up on the front page of the morning news. Really as much as those inner voices told her she wanted to die... she didn't really want to die at all.

God she was going crazy.

She sat back down on the bed and sighed, "the freaking pills would have been so much easier."

She looked towards the bathroom where Nick had flushed them down the toilet hours before and for the briefest moment she resented him. Then, coming to her senses once more, as she always thankfully seemed to do, she shook her head and took fistfuls of hair in her hands, pulling it furiously. "Stop it!" she told herself harshly, leaning forward and rubbing her eyeballs with clenched fists. "You have to stop thinking this way!"

She sat there for several more long and agonizing minutes before she stood. She was thirsty now and she definitely wasn't going to be sleeping anytime soon. She slipped to the bedroom door and opened it carefully, letting herself out into the living area of the suite. The first thing she noticed was the light from the television that illuminated the room and made her glance towards the couch. Nick was sleeping there, sitting up, his head leaned back at an awkward angle, the remote still resting in his hand.

Emily moved quietly across the room, careful not to wake him up as she opened the door of the fridge and pulled out a bottle of water. She reached up to grab a glass from the cabinet above the stove and when she turned around he was sitting up watching her.

"You're awake?" He asked rubbing his eyes.

"OH MY GOD!" she yelled dropping the glass as it shattered into pieces on the floor. They both jumped and he hurried over from his spot on the couch, grabbing the broom to sweep up the glass before she could even process what exactly had occured.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry Nick... y-y-you scared me!" she choked out, reaching out to steady herself on the counter and accidently slicing her hand on a large piece of glass in the process. Nick grabbed her hand and ran it under the faucet, squeezing it gently to stop the bleeding, never once taking his eyes away from her face.

"It's okay Em, it's just me... I'm sorry I scared you." He pulled her into a hug and led her to the table after sweeping up the last large slivers of glass. He poured her another glass of water and sat down beside her. Her hand had stopped bleeding but she was still visibly shaken by the entire ordeal.

"God Emily, you're shaking like a leaf." He stood up and rubbed her shoulders. She tensed at first but then relaxed a little as she tried to steady her breathing and calm down.

"I'm okay, honest." She said after a few minutes when she'd finally calmed down enough to speak.

"Why are you up then?" He asked, clearly not buying the whole "I'm okay," bit any longer.

"Couldn't sleep," she responded... and this was the truth even if it was only part of it.

He nodded and looked her dead in the eyes. She knew he was searching for the real reasons... but he wouldn't find it there. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. Not for Emily Carter. She'd gotten extremely good at nailing up the blackout curtains.

"What about you?" She asked, turning away and trying to change the subject.

"Oh... well Brian came in and said you had a really bad nightmare, so I thought I would sleep on the couch in case you needed me."

"Oh..." Oh. It was embarassing being 17 and knowing your big brother was sleeping on the couch just because he thought you might get scared in the middle of the night and need him. But as embarassing as it was, for Emily, it was also comforting. Nick couldn't save her from the images in her head... but there was something about knowing he was always there that never failed to make her feel better.

"Is it true? Are you having nightmares Em?" The look on his face showed a mixture of concern and compassion.

She shrugged and looked away, "Something like that."

He sighed and took her hand in his, "I wish you would talk to me... but I want you to at least know that I'm always here if you want to talk."

"Okay."

"And Emily... even if you don't want to talk to me... it's time for you to talk to someone. You have to get better. You need this."

She stared blankly at the floor, unresponsive. Closing up as she always did anytime this subject came up. He didn't push it though, not saying anymore just then. He stood and she watched as he walked back towards the couch and sat down. He flipped through the channels as she sat at the table and finished her water, but she could tell he was really still watching her. She stood and took her glass to the sink, emptying the contents down the drain... "like my life" she thought to herself as she watched the water wash away... "down the drain."

She walked back to her bedroom door and turned once more to watch Nick. He was sitting there on the couch watching her, a frown plastered on his face.

"What?" She asked, taking in his sour expression.

"Nothing..." He responded... "it's just... nevermind."

She turned to open the door but couldn't bring herself to go back in. The fear had taken her over now... no escaping. She turned instead and walked over to the couch where Nick had settled in. He looked up at her questioningly.

"I can't sleep." She told him matter of factly.

"Me either." He replied obviously not really knowing what else to say.

"Can I sit out here with you?"

His face contorted in a show of recognition and relief and he smiled. "Of course you can." He scooted over on the couch and let her slide in beside him. He wrapped his arm around her and she cuddled in close as he covered the both of them up with a blanket. She felt safe there... always safe when Nick was around. Safe enough even that she might be able to close her eyes. She gave it a try and let out a sigh of relief when his figure did not appear behind her eyelids.

"You okay?" Nick asked when he felt her sigh, looking down at her with raised eyebrows.

She nodded up at him, "Actually... yeah... I think I am now."

He sighed and pulled her closer still as she snuggled in and he flipped through the channels on tv.

She was finally able to drift off to a peaceful sleep there beside him. For the moment, unafraid.

When Nick finally awoke hours later, the sun was shining brightly through the windows and he could barely move a muscle. He stretched his arms high up over his head and twisted his body in a half-assed attempt to loosen up his stiff joints. He was definitely sore. Sleeping half the night on a hotel couch in an upright position, can do that to a person. He popped his neck and leaned back, shutting his eyes momentarily as he yawned.

"Mornin' lazy." He heard AJ's voice, barely a whisper from the corner of the room. He looked up to find AJ seated at the table across from Howie, munching loudly on a bowl of cereal as he read the morning news.

He glanced over to where his sister was still sleeping on the couch beside him, thankfully peacefully now, and covered her gently with the blanket, rising quietly from the couch careful not to disturb her. He yawned again as he made his way to the kitchen to inspect the coffee pot.

Empty.

He dragged himself to the table and took a seat, reaching carefully across AJ's plate of toast and jam to snatch the coffee cup out from under Howie's nose. He lifted it to his lips and took a long swig as Howie and AJ both stared on in silence. AJ shook his head and chuckled as Howie, muttering four letter words quietly under his breath, stood to put on another pot.

"Rough night?" He asked as he returned to the table still waiting for the coffee to get hot.

"You can say that again." Nick replied as he took another swig from the mug and wearily laid his head on the table with a groan. He pressed the mug to his forehead and closed his eyes.

"Headache?" AJ asked standing up and moving towards his room.

"Killer."

He emerged a few moments later carrying a bottle of aspirin. He placed two of them in front of Nick and put a hand on his shoulder. "Better take some dude... we've got a long day on the bus ahead of us."

Nick nodded in thanks and swallowed the pills with another gulp of coffee, cringing at the thought of having to spend the entire day on their tour bus. At least maybe he could get some quality sleep on the road. Not likely though. He looked up at the clock on the wall and groaned again, realizing how early it still was. "Damn it gets light early here," he mumbled as he stood and walked towards the door of his bedroom.

"I know." AJ grumbled back, peering out the window, "I woke up about an hour ago determined I was late for something!"

Nick laughed and turned towards Howie, "What time did my dad say he'd be hear this morning?"

"Um... he didn't really say. He just said you still have some things you need to talk about and that he'd be back before we leave."

"Ah... okay. Well I'm gonna go lay down for a while then, will you wake me up when he gets here or..." he shook his head as he looked at the sleeping figure on the couch, "or if she needs anything?"

"Will do man," Howie responded turning his attention to where Emily slept, "She looks pretty out of it right now."

"Get some sleep man. You need it too." Aj nodded.

The two men watched as Nick sauntered into his room and shut the door behind him. Then their eyes fell on the sleeping girl on the couch across the room. AJ looked over at Howie and sighed deeply. "She reminds me so much of myself D," he said as he shook his head, "and that fuckin' scares me."

"I know Aje." Howie sat back down at the table after pouring himself another cup of coffee. "I've never seen her this bad."

AJ shook his head and turned to look at her again. "I have a feeling there are a lot of demons hiding in that closet."

Emily peeled her eyelids back and stretched herself out on the couch, snuggling in deeply beneath the blankets. It was definitely a chilly morning. She looked around the suite and noticed that all seemed to be quiet. A peaceful kind of quiet though... not the kind that scared her. Not the kind that made her want to swallow a whole bottle of pills or jump out of hotel windows.

No... this was nice.

After a few minutes the silence faded and she could hear the sound of running water coming from the direction of Howie's room. She snuggled in deeper still and closed her eyes, giggling softly when he started to sing. Howie always sang in the shower. This morning it was the theme song from Sesame Street.

She laid there peacefully and listened to his singing, fading in and out of sleep until a silence once more settled in. Then the door to the hotel room clicked open and she could hear her father's voice. "I know Nick... but I really think we need to figure all of this out before you leave this morning."

Emily buried herself as deep down under the covers as she could, pretending with all her might to be asleep. She really didn't want to talk to him this morning. She really didn't want to hear what he had to say. She didn't even want to see him.

She felt Nick lean down beside her and rub her back gently, his warm breath against her ear as he whispered, "You awake Em?"

She didn't flich or move a muscle. No she wasn't. Or at least she didn't want to be. Maybe if she pretended well enough they would just let her sleep.

"It's almost 10 Nick..." Bob interjected, "why don't you wake her up."

"No." He replied, probably in a harsher tone than he really meant because his next words were more carefully chosen, "No, I mean... if you'd been here last night... if you'd stayed up with her like I did..." He paused for a moment before continuing, "she needs to rest."

She silently let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding in.

"It was that bad then?" Bob asked Nick from across the room now. She could tell they'd moved into the kitchen so she squinted her eyes open and peeked at where they were standing side-by-side against the counter.

"I... I can't even explain it." Nick stuttered, running his fingers through his hair. "I mean, I basically just laid awake all night and watched her toss and turn. She kept crying out at whatever was in her nightmares to stop. I just felt so totally helpless."

Emily squeezed her eyes shut tightly again and willed herself not to cry... but the tears were already there, stinging her eyeballs and threatening to spill over. She breathed deeply and tried her best to relax. She hadn't even remembered dreaming after moving out to the couch.

"I can't figure out what's bothering her," Nick said as he slumped down into a seat at the table and rubbed his forehead with his palms, "but it seems pretty damned serious."

Bob shook his head and placed his hand on his son's shoulder, "When the hell did things start getting this bad?"

Nick looked up at him from his seat and Emiliy could see the tears glistening in his eyes from as far away as her spot on the couch. He sighed and raised his hands to his face again and it was all she could do to keep from getting up and running out of the room... but she didn't. He rubbed his forehead vigorously and then finally placed his hands back into his lap.

"I don't really know dad," he shook his head and leaned it against the table. "I mean... when we filmed the show in LA she flip flopped between staying with Howie and staying with AJ for two months. They both expressed concern to me. Howie said she acted strange... different than her normal self. AJ said she seemed depressed. I tried to talk to her about it but she just ignored me. And then, like I think any normal person would have done, we all just attributed it to Angela's death. To her mother's death. Because what teenager wouldn't be a mess going through something like that? She seemed fine when we got back to Florida so I didn't think anything else about it.

"And?" Emily heard Bob prod, knowing there had to be more to the story than... "she seemed fine so I didn't say anything else about it."

"Then a few months ago I... I ..." He started crying, choking on the words he wanted so badly to say but simply couldn't.

"What Nick?... What happened?"

She heard him take a breath and watched as he stood and walked over to the kitchen. He poured himself a glass of water and chugged it quickly down. He paced back and forth in front of the sink a few times and then finally he spoke. "I came home from recording with the guys one day and the house was really quiet. Too quiet. I knew something was wrong. I mean... I just had this horrible feeling that something was really wrong..."

The tears were stinging Emily's eyes once more. Was he really going to tell him this? Her deepest, darkest secret? Was he really, seriously, going to tell him?

"I hollered for Emily and she didn't answer. When I finally found her she... she..."

Emily watched, holding her breath as Bob reached out and steadied his son, "She what, Nickolas?"

"She was in the kitchen sitting at the table with a knife in her hand... she... she was about to slit her wrists."

Nick didn't say anthing more. He didn't have to. He stopped there and buried his face in his hands and sobbed quietly. Emily hated herself in that moment for what she had done to him... for ruining his life. For making him cry. Her shame was now his shame. Her pain was becoming his pain. Maybe the voices were right. Maybe they'd all be better off without her.

But Bob didn't let him stop there. "And what did you do Nick," he prompted, shaking them both from their thoughts.

"She told me she wanted to die dad. She said she was going to kill herself. That she didn't deserve to live." He wiped his eyes and stifled a sob. "I took the knife away from her and called Brian. He said I should call someone... that she needed help. But she convinced me not to. She said she'd be okay. And I listened to her, like a moron."

"Nick you should have told me this earlier. You should have called me." He didn't sound angry... but she knew he was.

"I thought she was getting better dad. I thought she was okay. She seemed okay until a few weeks ago." Nick was crying harder now and he jumped as the door to Howie's room opened and Howie stepped out.

"Everything okay?" he asked, taking note of Nick's tears as he stepped out into the room.

"Everything's going to be fine." Bob responded as he took Nick in his arms. "She's going to get help now Nick. We're checking her into Blueriver today. No more questions... this is no longer an option."

Emily felt the anger building inside of her like water getting ready to boil over. Like a firework about to explode. He dare he say that everything was going to be fine!? She buried herself deep down beneath the covers and shut her eyes tightly. Maybe she could make herself invincible. If only they knew how many times in her life she'd desperately wished she could become invinsible.

"He can't make me do this," she thought to herself... "I'll be 18 soon. I'll run away or something. They can't make me do this."

She felt the tears welling up inside her and no matter how hard she tried, she knew this time she wouldn't be able to hold them back. She sunk her face down into her pillow and let them fall. Her tears turned into cries... her cries into sobs... and pretty soon she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Em?"

It was Nick.

She was caught.

She couldn't bring herself to roll over. She couldn't face him.

"Emily," he whispered... "it's okay."

He was sitting beside her now, she could feel him there next to her as he leaned down and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her quickly into a hug. He held her close as she buried her head into his chest and continued to sob.

"I'll leave you guys alone." She heard Howie say as the door to the hotel suite opened and then closed once more. Now she was alone with the two of them. Alone with the two people she least wanted to be alone with in the world... at least, right then. She knew they were going to make her go to Blueriver. To the insane asylum. Even though they called it something else, something not so morbid... that's exactly was it was. And that's exactly where they were going to send her.

Forever.

She just knew it.

She buried her head deeper in Nick's chest and wished and prayed, like so many times in her life before that she could just disappear. She wanted so badly to tell them that she wasn't crazy... that none of this was because she was crazy. But if she could come up with words good enough to convince her own mind of this, then how in the hell was she supposed to come up with the words to say out loud that would be convincing enough for someone else?

"Emily look at me," Nick whispered, gently cupping her chin in his hands and lifting her face to meet his own. His eyes showed a mixture of sadness and concern... none of the anger that Emily had expected to see. "What's going on with you?"

She shook her head and sighed, looking away from him and staring at a fixed spot on the floor, biting her lip as hard as she could to keep the tears from coming. "I don't want to do this anymore Nick."

"Do what Em?" She could tell in his voice that he was expecting a breakthrough. Everytime Nick talked to her she could tell he expected her to just come pouring out with whatever it was. If only life were that easy. If only she could just give up and tell them she needed the help. Then they would be moving a step in the right direction. But life wasn't that easy. It's not easy to tell someone you're falling apart at the seams.

But regardless of how many times they went through this, she could tell Nick still hoped for that breakthrough everytime they talked.

She really wished she could give it to him.

"I... I... I can't," Emily stared down at the floor, fully aware of that the words she intended to say next, but knowing the words, 'I just want to die'... would totally and completely break his heart.

"You can't what Em?" He asked, prodding her along. Not letting her off the hook so easily this time.

She looked into his eyes briefly before glancing over to where their father was seated in a chair across the room, watching the two of them silently. Amazingly so far he hadn't said a word.

"I can't go to that place," she finally said with a sigh as she closed her eyes.

She couldn't tell Nick she wanted to die. She wouldn't break his heart that way again, but she would tell him this.

"I won't go there Nick. I won't let you... either of you..." and she turned to Bob and stared at him for a few seconds before turning back to Nick, "send me to that place."

Nick slid down in the seat beside her and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, "then we won't make you go Emily."

She heard Bob gasp from across the room. He started to say something, but Emily looked up just in time to see Nick raise his hand in gesture to silence their father's words before he continued, "You don't have to go there Em," he continued, "but you do have to promise me, right here, right now, that as soon as we get to New York you will talk to someone. That you will see a professional and get some help." He looked at Bob who shrugged his shoulders in defeat and nodded in agreement.

"Emily," Bob added, trying to sound sympathetic, but failing as he generally did, "You have to get some help."

She glanced back and forth between the two of them. Bob perched on the edge of his seat, anxiously awaiting her response. Nick staring down at the floor, obviously too exhausted to really care anymore. Voices still echoing clearly in the back of her mind, she knew they were right. She needed more help than anyone here could give her. And so she nodded her head in defeat, "Okay."

Nick was beside her again, taking her in his arms and hugging her tightly. He repeated to her over and over again that things were going to be okay. That things would get better now. That this was the first step in the right direction.

She wanted to believe him. She tried.

And then he was leaving her on the couch, while he walked their father to the door where he told him goodbye for the both of them.

He closed the door as Bob left and turned to face her. "You're gonna be okay... you know that right?" He smiled at her and leaned down to kiss the top of her head gently.

She shook her head, continuing to stare at the door that her father had just walked out of. It seemed like all he'd ever done was walk out of her life. "Why did he have to be here for this?"

Nick followed her eyes to the door and sighed. "He's just trying to protect you Em," he responded as he walked to the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee, showing her the mug as if to ask if she wanted any and lowering it again when she shook her head. "He's worried about you too you know?"

"Yeah," she whispered quietly enough that she didn't think he could hear as she wiped her freshly falling tears with the palms of her hands, "well then where was he 10 years ago when he really should have been worried?"

Nick's head shot up from the seat he'd taken at the table and he eyed her questioningly. She hoped he hadn't really heard her... he couldn't have heard her could he? She averted her eyes and stood quickly, walking towards her room and a brisk pace, hoping to avoid any questions he might be thinking about tossing her way.

"Emily wait!" She heard him say loudly just as she was closing the door behind her. She locked the bolt and leaned against the wall breathing heavily. She took a few deep breaths and waited for the knock which came only a few moments later.

"I'm gonna take a shower," she hollered, trying to sound calm and collected, as she moved away from the door towards the bathroom, "I'll be out in a little while."

"Alright." she heard him mutter in a defeated tone.

Too close for comfort.

It had been a little over an hour since that close moment back in the hotel room. Emily was thankful Nick hadn't brought it up again. She'd taken a long hot shower to ease her mind before spending the last thirty minutes furiously packing and getting ready to leave. Now she was doing her best to avoid him by loading her own bags on the tour bus while the Backstreet Boys met with their fans in the hotel lobby.

"Need any help with that?" She heard a voice holler out from behind her as she struggled to lift her last and largest suitcase up the steps of the bus. She turned to see Marcus, one of the boys longtime security guards, standing at the bottom of the steps looking up at her. He reached out his hand in offer to take her bag.

"Actually, yeah," she responded smiling as she handed him the bag and followed him up the steps. "Thanks!" She took a seat on the couch in the front lounge and tried her best to get comfortable while Marcus shuffled to the back of the bus to stow her luggage.

She smiled when he walked back in a few moments later. Marcus had always been so nice to her, and unlike with the rest of the guys, she didn't always get the impression that he was walking on eggshells around her. Like he was one of the few people she got to hang out with on a regular basis anymore who wasn't constantly expecting her to fall apart. It was comforting.

He took the seat across the aisle from her, flipping open the newspaper he'd bought earlier in the lobby and scanning the pages. "Want a section?" He asked as he pulled the sports page out for himself and slid the rest of it over towards Emily.

"Hmm," she answered... "how about just the 'funnies.'

He passed her the comic section and laughed, "You are so much like your brother."

She smiled and nodded, "well I guess there could be worse things in the world!"

A few silent moments passed during which the two of them were fully engrossed in their individual sections of the paper before Marcus tossed his onto the seat beside him, "never anything but crappy news these days," he said, leaning back and stretching his arms way up over his head.

"I agree," Emily responded, closing her own paper and thrusting it towards him with a wink, "that's why I only read THESE!"

Marcus laughed as he took the paper from her hand before laying it on the table and turning to stare out the window as an awkward silence passed. "You ready for New York?" He asked.

"Yeah," she replied, nodding her head and fiddling with her fingers, "I mean, until I moved in with Nick I never really got to do much traveling. At least not anywhere too far outside of Florida. We went to Georgia a few times... maybe Alabama once, but that's about all I remember.

The shocked expression on his face made her laugh. To think, Nick Carter, one of the most well traveled youngsters in all of America, had a little sister hadn't traveled outside of three states before she was a teenager... that was a hard pill to swallow.

"Well then girlie," he said as he flipped his cellphone out and started dialing numbers, "today is your lucky day!"

She couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. "Why's that?"

"Well..." he said, telling the person who'd just answered the other line to hold on a second, "we're leaving in a few minutes for New York City and I'm going to see to it myself that you get the total experience. I'ma go hook it up right now!"

He stood and walked towards the door of the bus, giving her a thumbs up as he chatted away to whoever was on the other end of the phone with him. He stood there at the door for a second and she could hear him talking. "Yeah, hey man. What shows are open on Broadway this week?" He looked over at Emily and smiled, "You ever been to a broadway show?" He whispered, holding the phone away from his mouth as he waited for the person on the other end to come back. She shook her head and he shook his back, placing the phone back to his ear as he climbed down the steps of the bus, "Man have we got a lot of work to do!"

Emily laughed again as she headed out the door. It sounded like so much fun... except... she'd made a promise to Nick. She'd made him a promise and she knew she would have to keep it. So she wasn't sure how much extra time she'd have in New York... if any. She leaned back into the seat and closed her eyes. The voices echoed in her mind again, "this would be so much easier for everyone if you just weren't here."

She shook them away once more. She was not going to break her promise to Nick this time. She had agreed to this... and she knew, deep down, that it was for the best.

Emily must have nodded off because the next thing she knew she was waking up to the sounds of everyone else entering the bus.

"Hey chick," Nick said, coming over and gently mussing her hair, "Marcus said you were in here... did you get all your stuff?"

She nodded as she stretched and sat up quickly in her seat, making room for Brian who plopped himself down beside her.

"Hey," he said giving her a wink as he pulled out a book filled with crossword puzzles and carefully began scribbling in the answers.

"Hey." she responded.

Aj fell into the seat on her other side and offered her a Tootsie Roll Pop.

"No thanks," she refused, waving him away as she leaned back into the seat again.

He shrugged and took out his Ipod, adjusting the headphones over his ears and humming along to the beat of whatever song he was listening to.

As the bus pulled onto the highway, Nick and Howie both headed off to the rear lounge to do a call-in radio interview, leaving Emily to sit quietly in between Brian and Aj. They sat in silence for a long while, the only sounds were those of the bus engine rumbling and Brian's pencil scritching back and forth on the paper each time he came up with a new answer in his puzzle.

Emiy stared out the window beside her, watching as the miles slipped steadily by. When she could hardly keep her eyes open any longer, she stood and walked towards the bunks as Brian watched her questioningly. They always watched her like that now and she hated it. They always needed to know what she was doing... where she was going. They always worried about her. Not that she could blame them. I guess it was her own fault. She'd certainly brought it upon herself.

"I'm just gonna go lay down for a while," she answered, before he even had a chance to ask the question. Brian nodded his head slightly before returning to his crossword.

Emily slipped through the curtains that lead to their bunks and crawled down into her own at the very bottom. It was quiet in there. Maybe even too quiet. She dreaded the quiet almost as much as she dreaded the darkness. She'd hated them both ever since she was a little girl.

She curled up into a ball beneath the blankets and closed her eyes. Hoping if she fell asleep quickly enough the silence wouldn't have a chance to bother her. And she did. The rhythm of the road and the roar of the engine had lulled her to sleep almost before her head could even touch the pillow.

She was 11 years old and she was running down a long, narrow hallway. There was a light at the end... a window... but otherwise everything was dark. She could hear his footsteps crashing up the stairs behind her. He yelled over and over again for her to 'stop, or else!' Her heart was pounding in her ears.

It would have been so easy to stop. So easy to just let go, to give up... but instead, she kept running.

She reached her bedroom door and ducked quickly inside, slamming it closed behind her. She locked it quickly and dashed towards the closet, throwing herself into the bottom, curling up into the corner and cowering there as he beat on the door outside. She stayed there for a long time... for what felt like forever. Just listening.

Waiting for him to find a way in.

But the sounds stopped.

All was quiet now and she allowed herself to breathe. She stood up and peeked out the door. Everything was as it should have been. Everything was still, and silent. She walked over to the window and glanced longingly at the tree outside. Maybe she could escape. Maybe she could climb, or jump down and run away.

And then all of a sudden there was a crash behind her and she whirled around to see him barreling towards her. She dropped to the floor, trying to make herself disappear... praying like hell that she would become invinsible. She always prayed to become invisible.

But it was too late. He picked her up and threw her forcefully onto the bed. He struck her repeatedly across the face with the palm of his hand. He was screaming at her, but she couldn't hear what he was saying. He let go for a second as he stepped back and removed his belt from his pants. And in that moment she knew the worst was coming.

"Please no!" she whimpered as she watched him coming towards her, raising the belt high into the air. "Please don't hurt me anymore!"

Emily's eyes shot open and she found herself alone in the dark. It took her a minute to realize that she was on the tour bus and not still there in that bedroom... with him.

She was breathing heavily, sweat pouring down her face and neck. She heard a thump on the floor outside her bunk, followed by quickly approaching footsteps. She wiped the tears that had found their way from her eyes down her cheeks, and tried frantically to steady her emotions. But she couldn't. The tears kept coming. The emotions were far too strong to force back.

The curtains were pulled aside seconds later and she glanced up to see Aj crawling in to sit on the bed beside her.

"Hey sweetheart," he said comfortingly as he stroked her cheek softly with his hand while she continued to struggle to catch her breath a fight the urge to burst into tears. He just sat there calmly, continuing to stroke her cheek, "hey, it's okay now... you're okay..."

Emily shook her head.

She was not okay. She was never okay these days... and honestly she was starting to believe that things would never be okay again.

"What's wrong? What happened?" He asked concerned as the tears continued to spill down her cheeks. She closed her eyes and shook her head again. She couldn't tell him. She couldn't tell anyone.

"Another nightmare?"

She nodded. It was useless to lie. The nightmares were becoming more frequent now. Everytimes she closed her eyes he was there destroying her happiness.

"Should I get Nick?"

"No," she sniffled, rubbing her eyes. She took a deep breath and tried her very best to compose herself. "I'll be fine."

"Emily," he said, taking her hand in his and looking deep into her eyes, "if you're sick, you know, if you're depressed, you can talk to me. I mean... I've been there too. I'm always here to listen."

She closed her eyes and nodded, "thanks Aje."

She wished she could talk to him. Tell him what was really bothering her. But she couldn't. And it wasn't the same... what Aj had been through. It wasn't even close. This wasn't depression, and he had never been here before. None of them had ever been here before.

"You gonna be okay?"

"Mmm hmm," she mumbled, leaning into the pillow and curling in beneath the blankets. "I'm alright I guess... I think I'm just gonna try and get a little more sleep."

Maybe if she pretended to sleep he'd go away.

He nodded and stood, "you know I'm always here if you need me."

"I know."

He closed the curtains once more and she listened as he walked out into the lounge. She rolled over and stared up at the bunk above her. She said a silent prayer to God to see her through as she wiped fresh tears that spilled down her cheeks.

This newest dream, this newest memory... it was scarier than all of the others she had before.

She continued taking deep breaths of air, reminding herself that he couldn't hurt her anymore. But it didn't seem to help. She could hear the guys out in the lounge talking. She strained to hear what they were saying.

They were talking about her.

Nick was seated on the couch next to Brian, the two of them were wearing headphones and working out beats to a new song. Howie was sitting across the aisle, answering emails and updating the BSB website on his laptop. The three of them looked up when Aj entered the room through the curtained divider that separated the lounge area from the bunks.

He sat down silently and opened the bottle of aspirin he carried out with him, pouring two onto the table before he closed the top again and shoved it into his pocket. Nick and Brian removed their headphones and eyed him questioningly.

"Everything okay man?" Nick asked, reaching over and tossing him a bottle of water, which he quickly used to swallow the pills.

"Yeah," Howie prodded expectantly, "I thought I heard you talking to Emily in there."

He sighed, "I was."

Nick stood, an unnerved look on his face, "is she alright?" he asked as he walked towards the bunks.

"Yeah man... she went back to sleep."

Nick turned back to his seat and flopped down, shaking his head and bouncing his leg nervously as he looked over to where Aj was seated.

"Another nightmare?" he asked running his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah." He answered, "I heard her whimpering when I went to get the medicine out of my bag. She kept saying 'no... don't hurt me,' over and over again, but she was awake by the time I got to her."

Nick frowned and buried his head in his hands, "Same as last night."

Brian nodded in agreement.

"Something's definitely going on with her," Nick said, staring towards the curtain, "and if I'm being honest guys... I don't think it's just depression."

"What do you mean NIck?" Howie questioned, raising his eyebrows at his friend's statement.

"I mean... I think... well D, I don't really know. It's just, the things she was saying last night in her sleep, and when our dad left this morning, I'm sure she said something. I just... I have this feeling that something happened. Something none of us know about. Maybe years ago. Maybe something really horrible. But she won't tell me. She won't talk to anyone about it and I can tell it's eating her up inside."

Nick stopped talking and wiped his eyes.

Aj reached over and placed his hand on Nick's knee. "I agree man. I heard the things she was saying... I heard her crying. I saw the look on her face when she woke up. I don't know that I've ever seen true fear like that. I think this goes beyond depression."

Nick nodded, "That's why I told her she didn't have to go to Blueriver. Even though dad was dead set on sending her there. Something in my heart... something in my head, keeps telling me that's not what she needs."

Brian moved closer to him and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Do you think it's the accident Nick? I mean, that's her past... and it had to have been horrible. Do you think maybe she remembers?"

Nick shook his head. "No. I don't think that's it. Somehow I think this goes much deeper than that. But I can't put my finger on... and I don't know why. I just feel like she's tried to tell me before... a few times. But everytime she does something stops her."

Howie looked up and nodded, "We'll be in New York tonight Nick. I'll call my sister first thing in the morning and see if she can hook you up with a good doctor in that area. It sounds like Emily really needs to talk to someone... maybe she just doesn't feel comfortable talking to one of us."

Brian patted Nick's shoulder and gently pulled him into a hug, "We'll get her help man. We all love her too ya know... we're here for both of you."

"Thanks guys." Nick smiled slightly as they sat in silence for a few minutes before the hum of the road lulled them into a sense of peace and security and they all went back to working on their projects.

Nick leaned his head against the cool window and thought about everything the guys had said. He knew they all loved Emily almost as much as he loved her. He knew they'd all do whatever it took.

He just hoped it wasn't too late.

Emily laid in bed in their hotel room in New York City, listening to her Ipod and willing herself to stay awake.

She refused to sleep.

She was tired of sleeping. Tired of the nightmares. Nick was completely zonked out in the bed next to hers, snoring softly every now and then. She didn't mind the snores though... they were a subtle reminder that she wasn't alone. They were comforting. And besides, she knew Nick had to be exhausted. Hell, she was exhausted. She had the television on mute though, Saturday Night Live. The light from the tv helped keep her awake.

Try though she may to keep focused on the show, her thoughts kept wandering to the conversation she'd overheard on the tour bus earlier that same day. For the first time in over two years, she'd finally felt like maybe the people around her were beginning to understand. Even if they didn't know exactly what was making her act the way she did... feel the way she did... they seemed to be getting the idea that this was beyond depression. That she was not just crazy. She'd told Nick a million times since that day he'd found her in the kitchen with that knife in her hand that she wasn't depressed... but until now she'd never thought he'd ever believed her.

Looking back on her own behavior, she couldn't blame him.

The truth was, everything she'd felt over the past two years had been fueled by the nightmares. The constant memories of a life she thought she'd be able to leave behind... but couldn't. A life that for so long after her mother had died she had tried to put out of her mind... only to have it show up again and again in her dreams.

The nightmares had started that summer in LA when she'd stayed with AJ and Howie, and they'd never stopped. Now they haunted her every single time she closed her eyes to sleep, and sometimes even when she closed them with every intention of staying awake. The voices that constantly told her to kill herself... she knew the voices belonged to him. He used to tell her that all the time. That the world would be better off without children like her. That she should go ahead and get it over with and make everyone happy. He'd told her that she could swallow a bottle of pills... or jump out a high enough window... and he'd told her it would make everyone happy. She'd blocked out those memories for a long time... but she knew it now... that it was him... she learned it in her dreams.

And yet, despite knowing all of this, and despite knowing he couldn't hurt her anymore, there were still times when it became too much for her to handle. Times when she felt like he was right. Like she would be better off dead... and the world would be better off without her.

She was lucky to have Nick, Brian, Aj and Howie. She knew she was lucky. But sometimes knowing you're lucky is not enough.

Emily still could not remember the accident that cost her mother her life, despite being in the accident herself. She only remembered waking up in the a hospital room days later. Nick was there... and Bob too. She remembered them telling her that her mother had died and she remembered the sinking feeling of desperation when she realized that she was 12 years old and the only person she'd ever really had in the world was gone. They'd asked her over and over about the accident, but the only thing she'd remembered was standing in the hallway at school with her friends before she even got in the car.

She only knew that they had found her in the grass alongside the wreckage. She was badly bruised and bleeding and her head had taken a pretty nasty bump which the doctors attributed to her loss of memory. She'd been in bad shape... but she was alive.

"Lucky to be alive"... is what the doctors had told her father.

"If she hadn't been thrown from the car," she'd remembered the doctor telling them as they stood beside her hospital bed, holding her hands and speaking in hushed voices, "she would have died instantly."

Like her mom.

And like him.

The only comfort she'd found in all of this was that everytime she woke up from the nightmares she could remind herself that he had gotten what he deserved.

Emily stared up at the ceiling and flipped her Ipod to a new song. She'd never been able to talk to anyone about any of this...

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath of air.

It was probably time get it off her chest.

Tomorrow was a fresh start.

The next thing Emily knew, she was sitting in a small office in downtown New York City. It was morning, which meant by no small feat, she'd made it through another night.

She covered her mouth with her hand, supressing a yawn as she leaned back into the uncomfortable waiting room chair and closed her eyes. A failed attempt to stifle yet another yawn caused Nick to reach over from where he'd been reading a magazine beside her and place his hand gently on her knee.

"Tired?" He asked.

Dumb question.

He gave her a concerned glance out of the corner of his eye. She knew she must look like crap.

"Little bit," she lied, pulling a magazine from the table beside her and pretending to flip through the pages. She was, in fact, utterly exhausted.

"You didn't have any dreams last night?" He asked, still giving her a sideways glance. Funny how the whole car ride there that morning he hadn't spoken a word, and now, now in the waiting room when all she wanted to do was sit in peace... he wanted to talk.

She shook her head, "Nope."

Although she failed to mention the reason for this... that it's a bit difficult to have a nightmare when you simply don't sleep at all.

In the back of her mind she was certain this appointment wouldn't last long. That it would be a casual greeting and a momentary 'what's going on in your life', kind of thing. And she would play the part and answer the questions and then she could leave. It wouldn't last long and when it was over she would have Nick take her back to the hotel and drop her off before he went to his meeting with the guys. Then she could sleep in peace... or rather, at least, she could suffer through her nightmares alone.

"That's good," he responded.

"Mmm hmm," not really in the mood for conversation, Emily fixed her gaze upon the National Geographic she had laid across her lap. An article about killer sharks and giant squids. Fun. At least he took the hint and thankfully returned to his own reading.

"Emily Hughes," she heard a woman's voice call out from the desk across the room. She'd only given them the first half of her last name in the hopes of not drawing too much unecessary attention to herself and her brother. It seemed she didn't really need to worry though... the waiting room was all but empty, the only other patient, an elderly man who could probably have cared less about a Backstreet Boy and his little sister.

Emly lifted her head and nodded in the woman's direction, "that would be me," she said smiling slightly and trying to perk up just a little.

"Dr. Campbell will see you now."

Emily took a deep breath and got uneasily to her feet. 'Here we go,' she thought, jumping a little when she felt Nick reach out and touch her hand from behind. She was always jumpy like that.

"Sorry," he whispered as she turned to face him, "I just wanted to tell you that I'll be right out here the whole time." He gave her a reassuring smile and she tried her best to smile back. "I love you Em," he said as she let go of his hand and walked nervously across the lobby.

She followed the receptionist down a narrow hallway to another door. The woman opened the door into a large office and ushered her inside.

"Good morning," another young woman, this one wearing a nice suit and a white doctor's jacket, said as she walked across the room and extended her hand in greeting, "You must be Emily."

Emily nodded, extending her own hand in return before the doctor continued, "I'm Dr. Campbell."

She motioned for Emily to have a seat as she took her chart from the receptionist and closed the door. While she was doing this, Emily took a moment to look around. Her office was really nice... like the offices you saw in movies, but never really believed existed. Well apparently they did. The walls were lined with bookshelves filled with encyclopedias that no doubt contained all sorts of information about medicine and psychology and the wall behind her desk was covered with frames that showcased her many diplomas and certificates. She definitely seemed qualified enough.

Dr. Campbell took a seat behind her large desk, Emily sat across from her on a comfortable plush office chair. She was trying as hard as she could to relax. Trying as hard as she could to convince herself that she could do whatever it took to get through this.

"So..." Dr. Campbell began, and Emily found herself growing concerned that the generic questions would begin. That she would have to answer something like, "What brings you here today?" or, "What seems to be the problem?"... those questions that doctors always asked. Questions most people could answer... but not her. Not this time.

Instead Dr. Campbell leaned forward in her chair and rested her hands on her desk, "your brother tells me you've been having nightmares?"

Emily sighed, grateful to Nick for at least providing her with a starting point. "I... well I guess you could say that." She hesitated in her answer. She felt weird talking about this stuff to a perfect stranger. Hell, she felt weird talking about this stuff to the people she loved most.

But she knew it was time to get it out.

"Okay," Dr. Campbell continued, "tell me about the them. About these nightmares."

Emily leaned back in her chair and breathed deeply. There went any hope of a quick "hello, how ya doing?" There went any ideas she'd had of a quick meeting and heading back to the hotel for a nap. This doctor meant business.

"Tell me about your nightmares."

This could take awhile.

"When did the dreams begin?" Dr. campbell prompted, flipping open her notebook and grabbing a pen out of her desk drawer.

'Oh great,' Emily thought to herself, 'this is all going down as written record.'

"Don't worry," Dr. Campbell smiled, obviously having noted her unease, "Anything you say in this room stays in this room. Nothing goes beyond you, me and these four walls."

Emily nodded and sighed, she should have known, afterall wasn't that the whole doctor patient confidentiality thing. But seriously... could that be trusted?

Who knew. Did it really matter now?

"Well," she finally began as she fidgeted in her seat, trying her best to convince herself that she could indeed go through with this, "the nightmares, if you can really call them nightmares, began when I spent the summer out in LA with my brother."

She nodded, "And about how long ago was that?"

"Um... about a year and a half ago... in 2006," Emily thought back to that summer in her head and nodded, "yeah, in the summer of 2006."

"Alright," Dr. Campbell replied as she took down notes in her book, "what were you doing in LA that summer? Anything special or different?"

Emily nodded again, "My brother, Nick, was filming a show for tv. A show with his other brother and sisters. I was supposed to do the show too, but I decided not to."

Dr. Campbell chewed on the end of her pen for a second as she thought before going on, "What made you decide not to do the show?"

"Umm..." Emily hesitated here, rubbing her hands together in her lap. She wasn't really sure what her deciding not to do her brother's reality tv show had to do with nightmares... but she went on anyway, "Well, the very first day in the house there was a huge fight between Nick and his sister BJ. She didn't want me in the house."

"Why is that?"

Emily stared at Dr. Campbell for a minute. This was not a moment from her life that she wanted to relive. It had been bad enough when it had happened.

"She said that I didn't belong there because I hand't been through half the stuff they'd been through in their lives," she took her eyes away from the doctor's and stared down at the floor. It sucked as much thinking about what she'd said to her as it had been when she'd actually been standing right in front of her hearing it for herself.

"And how did that make you feel?" Dr. Campbell pressed.

"Angry," Emily stated without any hesitation, because that answer was easy.

"Why angry?"

"Because..." she could feel the tears stinging her eyes and for a brief moment she was back in that room, standing in front of Nick and BJ, and she could see the smirk on BJ's face... and she could hear her giggle.

She'd let her win.

Emily shook her head and wiped a tear that had slipped down her cheek, "... because she has no idea what I've been through in my life."

Dr. Campbell didn't seemed bothered by her tears and for that she was thankful. Amazingly she didn't feel embarassed to be crying... or ashamed.

"You said you chose not to be a part of the show," she continued after giving her a few minutes, "does this mean you left the house?"

Emily nodded. "I didn't want to do the show in the first place. I never wanted to. Nick's brother and sisters, even if biologically they are my half siblings," and she made air quotes when she said the word 'half siblings', "have never really been a part of my life. And I have never really been a part of theirs. I only ever agreed to do the show because of Nick."

"So then you left the show because of this argument?" Dr. Campbell continued the conversation, not giving Emily too much time to think about all of the depressing details.

"Well that was definitely part of it," she answered, "but there was more than that... I mean the moment I arrived at that house I knew there was no way I was going to be able to stay there..."

Emily stopped, amazed at how easily the words were coming. At how easily these things were flowing from her lips. Things that for months and months she couldn't even verbalize within her own mind, now she was saying them out loud. For some reason it was so easy to talk to this woman. It was different than talking to Nick, or to her father, or to any of the other guys... or her friends. She didn't feel like Dr. Campbell was judging her, at all. She just knew it was her job to listen... not to judge people.

Dr. Campbell's voice shook her from her thoughts, "Why couldn't you stay there?"

Emily took another deep breath as the tears began to steadily slip down her cheeks. She shook her head and wiped them quickly away and finally said the words that she knew she needed to say, "It was that room." She finally answered, sucking back a sob and staring down toward the floor in shame, "I couldn't stand that room."

Emily closed her eyes, willing herself far away from that place. She could sense Dr. Campbell standing from behind her desk. She could sense her move around until she was seated right beside her.

"What was it about the room Emily?"

"It uh... it..." she took a deep breath, but couldn't seem to get the words to this one to come out.

"You can do this."

She breathed again, knowing she had to answer the question... and so, she did.

"Nick had decorated it to look exactly like the room I grew up in. The room in my mother's house in Florida." She answered the question without ever opening her eyes to look at Dr. Campbell. She could hear her scribbling down notes though as she sat there focusing intently on trying to remain calm.

"Where is your mother Emily?"

Emily let out the breath of air she'd been holding in. Somehow even though she'd known this question would come up... even though she'd figured at some point during all of this she would have to talk about it... she wasn't ready for this. She took another deep breath before she finally answered.

"She's dead."

Dr. Campbell nodded, as if this was a piece of information, like any other piece of information... something to be taken in, processed and written down on paper.

To Dr. Campbell, this was not a big secret. Not a big bombshell being dropped in her lap. Emily needed to realize that not much she could say would come as a big surprise to this woman who was probably used to hearing way worse problems in people's lives then, "my mother's been dead for five years."

"How did your mother die," she continued without missing a beat.

"She died in a car accident when I was 13. That's why I live with Nick now."

Emily could hear her scratching furiously on her piece of paper and she opened her eyes briefly to look over towards her. Dr. Campbell looked up and caught her eye. She gave her a reassuring nod and asked, "Was there anyone else involved in the accident?"

Emily closed her eyes again and dropped her head back towards the floor. She dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands and repeated calmly to herself, "you can do this... you can do this. You have to talk about this... you can do this."

"Yes." she finally answered after a few moments pause. She leaned forward and rested her head in her hands. "My mother's boyfriend, Chris. He died in the accident too... and... and I was there too. But I got thrown from the car."

She could feel her heart start to race when she mentioned his name. She hadn't spoken about him at all since the accident. Not even mentioning him to Nick or Bob, or anyone else. They only knew that that there had been a man who'd died in the accident too. She wasn't sure why they'd never asked her about him... maybe because she'd never volunteered. Or maybe because they already knew more than she imagined.

"Do you remember the accident Emily?" Dr. Campbell pressed on.

Emily shrugged. She wasn't sure how many more of these questions she could answer. This was getting more difficult with each passing moment, and she knew it wasn't going to get any easier. Things like these never got any easier.

"No," she finally answered... "I remember being at school that day... and waking up in the hospital after. But that's it."

Thinking about the accident and her mother's death took her back to that day. She remembered waking up in a dimly lit hospital room, in a warm hospital bed. The monitors around her were beeping crazily. She remembered how her head hurt so bad that she could hardly see. And she remember how sick to her stomach she'd felt. Then she remembered Nick's face appearing above her, followed by their father's. She remembered asking where her mother was... and she remembered the moment they'd told her she'd died. She remembered that like it had happened only a second ago. That was one of those moments in life that a person could never possibly forget.

The tears were falling steadily down her cheeks now as Dr. Campbell passed her the box of tissues and watched as she took one and dabbed her cheeks dry. "Do you think," Emily asked, choking back a sob, "could be take a break for a minute?"

Dr. Campbell nodded and stood, walking over to a small refrigerator across the room, as Emily struggled to regain her composure. "We can sit and relax for a few minutes," she agreed as she pulled out a couple of bottle of water. "Would you like some?"

Emily nodded her head as Dr. Campbell returned to the chair beside hers and handed her a bottle. "Thanks."

They sat together for a few moments and just talked. No pressure... no psychology, just talk. Dr. Campbell asked her how she liked living in Florida, if she was enjoying New York and what Broadway shows she was going to see. The small talk helped ease Emily's mind... which was probably the whole point.

After a few minutes she grabbed her notebook once again and asked if she was ready to go on.

Emily nodded.

She was as ready as she'd ever be.

"The room in LA," Dr. Campbell began, jumping right to the point as Emily's heart rate quickened immediately, "did you not want to stay there because it reminded you of your mother?"

Emily shook her head.

"It wasn't that it reminded me of her," she responded, knowing full well that right now was the time to let the cat out of the bag... to let all of it out... "it was that it reminded me of him."

She reached up to wipe the tears that had already started pouring again, realizing that wiping them was futile. She didn't guess they'd be stopping anytime soon... not with this kind of conversation.

"Who's 'him'?"

Emily took a deep breath and let it out again. It was time. "Chris," she said as she grabbed a tissue from the desk in front of her and gently blew her nose.

"Chris? Your mother's boyfriend? The same Chris who died in the accident?"

She nodded, amazed by how quickly Dr. Campbell seemed to be catching on.

"Tell me about your nightmares now," Dr. Campbell went on, jumping right to the point, "is Chris in them?"

Emily inhaled a sob, choking it back as she tried her best to steady herself. She tried to say 'yes' but she couldn't get the word out, so instead she just nodded her head.

"Take your time," Dr. Campbell reassured her, placing a hand gently on her shoulder.

She tried to slow down her breathing and take small shallow breaths. It wasn't easy. Panic attacks were never easy... but she'd certainly become a pro at breathing her way through them.

'I have to do this,' she repeated silently to herself several times as she clenched her fists in her lap and focused on one spot on the floor like she always did when they got this bad. Finally she was able to gain enough control to go on.

"It's just... they don't... they're not," she couldn't find words adequate enough to express what she was thinking. She couldn't find the words to say that wouldn't make her sound... crazy.

But then Dr. Campbell was there again, squeezing her shoulder a bit tighter and encouraging her to keep going. So she did. "It's just that they aren't really nightmares. I mean... not really."

Dr Campbell gave her a questioning look that told her she should probably explain. Something easier said than done... but she'd better at least try.

"It's like," she continued not sure how to explain it. Trying to sound out the words in her head before she said them out loud, "It's like, I've had nightmares before in my life... lots of times. I mean, I know what a nightmare is like and I know what they aren't like... and nightmares aren't real. These things... these dreams... they're real."

Dr. Campbell nodded for her to go on. "It's almost like I'm living these moments all over again. I can feel things and see things and hear things... and I'm experiencing things exactly the way I did when they really happened. And sometimes I experience things that I forgot until I remember it from my dreams. I just... I don't really know how to explain it other than to say, it's not a nightmare... it's real."

Emily stopped talking and looked over at Dr. Campbell expecting to be greeted with the frown of a woman who thought she was nuts. Instead she was sitting there, pen in her hand, not writing... just listening. There was a look of empathy and understanding on her face that Emily had never seen on anyone's face before.

Not even Aj's.

Dr. Campbell leaned back in her chair and nodded. Emily was unsure what to expect now, but it was clear that this doctor wasn't too surprised. So maybe she was crazy afterall. Maybe she'd tell her she needed to be locked up... sent away to Blueriver just like Bob had said.

Though judging from the empathetic look on her face, she didn't get the vibe that she thought she was crazy at all.

"And in these dreams," Dr. Campbell went on as she leaned forward and offered Emily the box of tissues again, "what is Chris doing?"

And there were the real tears now, flowing freely down Emily's cheeks and dripping onto the floor beneath her. This was the last question she'd ever wanted to answer. The last thing she'd ever wanted to think about.

Ever.

She was done. She seriously didn't think she could go on any further. Hadn't she said enough? Given enough? She couldn't go on.

But Dr. Campbell leaned closer to her and whispered quietly... "Let him go." And Emily wasn't sure where those words had come from, or why, but they meant the world to her. She sat up in her chair and took the biggest breath she'd taken all morning. With those three words she'd realized something she never had before. For the past five years... and for many before that... she'd been holding on to him. To the things he'd done and the pain he'd inflicted.

By keeping her secret bottled up inside herself for so long, she'd kept him hidden there too. Without even trying to and without even knowing it, she'd allowed him to become a huge part of her life. In fact, he'd become a bigger part of her life than anyone else around her. Bigger even than herself.

In that second, with those three words, Emily knew for certain that Dr. Campbell was right. It was time to let him go.

She leaned back in her chair and shut her eyes as tightly as she could. She took a few deep breaths in and out and in and out and promised herself that after that day she would no longer allow him to destroy her life. Or even to be a part of her life. She opened her eyes again and looked over to where Dr. Campell was patiently waiting... watching her silently and without pressure.

"He's hitting me... hurting me with his fists and his belt... and he's..."

Dr. Campbell nodded, waiting, knowing there was more to say, even if she didn't want to say it.

Emily sighed, closed her eyes and shook her head... "And he's doing awful, unspeakable things to me."

Dr. Campbell removed her hand from Emily's shoulder and wrote something down. Then she glanced up at her and sighed, "You're a strong girl you know?"

Emily sighed, for once relieved.

She may not be the strong person that Dr. Campbell believed her to be... but at least she had taken the first step in beginning to let him go. And that was certainly something.

"So how often do you have these dreams?" Dr. Campbell asked after giving her just a moment to breathe.

Emily was both amazed and relieved that she was not pressing her for more details about the things that Chris had done to her.

At least... not yet.

She had to stop and think about the answer to this question, "well," she said, deciding it was probably best to work from the present and go back to the past. "Right now I'm having them almost everytime I fall asleep. Day or night... sometimes even when I just barely nod off. And sometimes I'm able to shake myself awake and keep them from happening."

"Did they always occur so frequently?"

"No," Emily shook her head, "When I was in LA and they started, I only had six or seven during the whole two months we stayed there. And when we came home they stopped for a couple months. And then they started again and got worse and worse. I was having them once or twice a week and then eventually every single night."

"Are the dreams always the same?" she asked jotting down information as she answered the questions.

"No," Emily breathed steadily for a few moments. She knew this was going to be the most difficult part to talk about but she'd come this far so she might as well continue... let him go.

"Sometimes the dreams are the same. I'll have the same dream maybe for a couple of days and then I'll have a new one... and they've mostly gone in order... like I started out having dreams from when I was eight or nine, and in the past few months I've been older in them."

Dr. Campbell stood and returned to the seat behind her dest, "Tell me Emily, how often did he abuse you?"

Emily bit her lip. She knew this was another question that would be coming. It was the first time anyone had ever come out and said that she'd been abused. She sighed heavily and started with her mantra again, 'I have to let him go... I have to let him go.'

"It' depends I guess," she finally responded, trying her best to think back on a situation she'd rather forget. "I remember it more when I was younger... I think probably because when I got older, I got smarter. If I stayed in bed and pretended to be asleep, mostly he would leave me alone. He was usually drunk... but sometimes not. I remember it happening more often when I was younger, but I also know that it was worse when I got older... the things he did. They were way worse."

Emily shivered at the thoughts as she reached for a tissue. She was crying once again.

Dr. Campbell watched her with eyes full of compassion and kindness.

"How long did this last?"

Emily took a long shaky breath before she answered, "Five and a half years."

She squeezed the tears from her eyes as she looked down at the floor. She could feel herself unconsciously digging her fingernails into the skin on her knees beneath her blue jeans. But she didn't care. Five and a half years of her life that she would never get back. Five and a half years of her life... and even after he'd died she'd allowed him to control her.

"I think I've heard enough." Dr. Campbell stated after several long moments of silence.

"Um... okay..." Emily muttered, confused as she began to stand.

"Please sit back down," she motioned for her to sit again and she did.

"I've heard enough, but I want to talk to you about why I think you might be having these dreams."

"Oh."

Dr. Campbell walked over to a filing cabinet beside her desk and dug through it for a few minutes before pulling out a couple of papers. She brought them back over and handed them to Emily. She caught a glimpse of the first as she was handing them down, the top sheet was a brochure on, "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder." Emily flipped to the second when Dr. Campbell turned to grab her notebook. It was entitled, "Flashbacks."

Suddenly a realization sparked somewhere deep within Emily's mind. So she didn't think she was crazy afterall.

Dr. Campbell walked back over and sat down in the chair behind her desk across from Emily.

"I've given you two papers that I want you to read over and think about when you get a free moment," she said, pointing to the papers in Emily's lap. "The first is a brochure of facts about what I think you may be suffering from... Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. You've been through a lot Emily. More than many people could ever make it through on their own, and you owe it to yourself to get some help."

Emily nodded in agreement. She was finally starting to see that now. And for once it was nice to know there was someone who could tell her she wasn't nuts.

"The second," she went on, "is an article about flashbacks. When most people think about flashbacks, they think about something a person experiences in the awake state. But flashbacks can occur during sleep too. Especially during certain stages of sleep. The fact that you mentioned you experience them when you've barely nodded off and that they are the memories of your past traumatic experiences would lead me to believe that you may well be experiencing some form of flashbacks."

This was all starting to make a lot of sense.

"There is no real cure for flashbacks," Dr. Campbell continued, "but there are things that you can do to cope with them and things that may help relieve them. Coming here today, for one, and talking to me about all of this, about what's obviously bothering you, is a huge step in the right direction. I highly recommend that you continue to see someone.

Emily nodded in agreement.

"Another thing that you can do is to have someone who is aware of the situation, and who is aware of the flashbacks sleep in the same room with you constantly. Have them wake you up the moment they notice any indication of a nightmare. And I can also prescribe you sleeping pills at night to help you relax if it comes to that. I have a feeling you aren't slipping into a deep enough state of sleep to keep from having the flashbacks. If you can get there, you should be able to rest easier."

Emily continued to nod along with everything that Dr. Campbell was saying. It was a lot to take in at once, but it did make sense. She stared down at the papers in her lap, glancing silently at the first paragraph for a moment before Dr. Campbell interrupted her thoughts.

"I do have one other theory," she said as Emily looked up from her reading. "You mentioned that your memories seem to be playing out in sequence... getting more recent with time?"

"Yes. Mostly."

"I think," Dr. Campbell said, standing up once more and grabbing another paper from her cabinet, "that you may be headed for a major breakthrough."

"Huh?" Emily questioned, unsure of what she meant.

"Flashbacks can be a good indication that your brain is working to help your body heal from an ordeal. Your wreck would certainly have been considered a major ordeal and when you had memory loss, your doctors would have, without doubt, attributed that to a head injury. However, there's always a possibility that you have been surpressing a memory of something that happened, and this is your brain's way of bringing it to light. I can't be certain of course... but it's a thought."

Emily ran her fingers through her hair. Boy was this a lot to take in.

"Is there anything I can do then," she asked, "to speed up the process. I mean, I really don't want to go through this anymore."

"I don't blame you," Dr. Campbell crossed back over and sat down beside her, "but the only way I've ever known for a breakthrough to occur is for the flashbacks to continue. And that can be very risky. But I have to warn you, it's also very likely that it will happen regardless of what we do to try and stop it."

Emily felt her heart race and the tears return to her eyes once more. "I want to know what this is... I really do... but I don't think I can do this anymore. I want these dreams to stop."

Dr. Campbell nodded. "I know this is hard, " she reassured her, "I think you need to tell your brother, or someone else about this so that they can be aware when you're sleeping and wake you up if things get too bad."

Emily nodded, but she also knew there was no way she could tell Nick.

"Do you have any other questions?" Dr. Campbell asked and Emily shook her head. "Then I think we're done for today. You'll get through this. I won't promise it will be easy, but you'll get through it."

Emily wasn't sure that Dr. Campbell was right, but she smiled and thanked her anyway. She looked up at the clock on the wall and realized that they'd been talking for nearly two hours.

Two hours!?

Nick was going to kill her. She walked to the door and stopped before opening it, turning once more to thank Dr. Campbell who handed her a business card and said to her, "I want you to call me anytime you need to talk."

That was certainly reassuring.

"Thank you," she said as Dr. Campbell opened the office door and Emily walked out into the hallway alone. It was strange being alone again after being in the company of someone she felt so comfortable talking to for so long.

She started towards the door to the waiting room when suddenly she felt a very strange sensation. It was odd... like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. A weight she'd been carrying around for over 10 years. It was an awesome feeling. She opened the door to the waiting room to find Marcus there, his back to her, seated in a chair, reading the funnies.

She took a few moments to regroup, wiping her eyes with a tissue and breathign in and out deeply a couple of times. She looked in the mirror across the way. She looked tired, but otherwise not too terrible. She smiled. It felt good to really smile.

"Hi Marcus," she said as she headed over to where he was seated in the otherwise empty waiting room. "Reading anything good there?"

He laughed and smiled as he stood and folded up his paper. "Nick had to leave for his meeting so he sent me to wait for you."

"Well I appreciate that," She thanked him as she headed for the door. He followed closely behind.

Emily caught a glimpse of him reading the doctor's name and profession on the door as they left the room, and then glancing over at her curiously. "Everything okay Em?" He asked, a concerned tone in his voice.

Emily grinned as she pressed the down button on the elevator. "Actually," she replied as the doors opened up and the two of them clambered on together, "I haven't felt this good in a long, long time."

He smiled and winked at her and took her hand as they reached the lobby, "Well then," He said with a wink, "Sounds like a good afternoon for a walk through New York City!"

Emily laughed as the two of them headed of, hand in hand together through the city that never sleeps.

How fitting, she thought. And she laughed.

For the first time in a long time. Really for the first time ever, she was able to think past all the crap... and laugh.

By the time Marcus and Emily arrived at the concert venue an hour and a half later, only after grabbing a quick bite to eat for lunch, and then stopping to gaze into every store window on the way, Emily was completely exhausted. No doubt the lack of sleep the night before and the trauma of the morning had at least a little something to do with it.

Marcus escorted her past the throng of overly anxious fans, through a door in the back and into the arena where the boys were scheduled to perform in a charity concert in less than two hours. She peeked out at the wide open arena, at all of the empty seats that would soon be filled with her brother's fans and smiled. He deserved all of this.

She turned when Marcus poked her in the side and winked, turning to the nearest security guard and grabbing his a radio, whispering quickly into it, "Ranger Blue, come in Ranger Blue."

Emily giggled, knowing that this was the code name Marcus always used when he wanted to get in touch with one of the boys personal security guards. 'Ranger Blue' was Nick's.

"Ranger Blue to Big Poppa."

Emily had to stifle her laugh this time. These guys could be as serious as they needed to be, but only when necessary. Otherwise... and that was most of the time, they were complete and utter goofballs.

Marcus smirked and placed a hand on her shoulder.

"Big Poppa back. I have just returned to the venue with Baby Blue and I need a G.W. on Boy Blue."

Emily rolled her eyes at him and he shook his head.

"Hey girl!" He joked, poking her in the ribs and trying his best, but failing miserably to keep a straight face, "there will be NO eye rolling. This is serious business!"

"Yeah..." She responded not able to hold her laughter back any longer... "but 'Baby Blue'? Seriously?"

It was Marcus' turn to laugh now, "Yep. You LOVE it don't you!?"

She rolled her eyes again and the two of them chuckled.

"Oh, by the way," Emily added, a questioning look on her face, "what's a G.W.?"

He grinned, "Guesstimated whereabouts."

Emily snorted, trying her absolute best to hold back her laughter as Marcus shot her the stink eye.

"I'm pretty sure," she giggled, "that's a new one for the books!"

It was Marcus' turn to roll his eyes.

"Ranger Blue to Big Poppa," the radio interuppted, "I have an E.W. on Boy Blue."

"Exact whereabouts," Marcus responded to the baffled look on Emily's face.

"Boy Blue is in the hold. Repeat... Boy Blue is in the hold." The radio chirped again.

"I don't even wanna know," Emily responded shaking her head before Marcus even had a chance to answer this time.

"The hold is his dressing room... Nick's in his dressing room. God do you have a lot to learn chick!"

"Okay, wow," Emily said as she sped off down the hall ahead of Marcus, "So you dorks officially have WAY too much time on your hands."

She took off at a run, Marcus chasing her through the hallways of the arena. She screamed loudly, laughing hysterically as he caught up to her just outside the door of Nick's dressing room. The two of them stumbled inside, Emily completely out of breath from laughter and Marcus shaking his head as he reached out and gave her a noogie. Emily hadn't enjoyed herself this much in a long, long time.

"Whoa!" Nick exclaimed, jumping up from his spot on the couch as they collapsed into the room, "well hold the presses then! I don't think I've seen this girl laughing this much in weeks!"

She rolled her eyes at him and he laughed as he sauntered across the room and gave her a giant hug.

"I was just torturing Marcus," she said with a smile after he'd given her a high five and left the room. "Have you heard the silly code names they use for you guys?"

Nick smiled, "You mean... 'Boy Blue... I Sure have."

He reached over and hugged her again, like he couldn't get enough of her happiness. Because he probably couldn't.

"So... how'd it go?" he whispered before breaking the embrace. "I mean, you don't have to talk about it... I just, did it go okay?"

Emily pulled away and looked up into his eyes. She could tell he was searching them for some kind of relief. For some kind of clue that things had changed... that things were going to get better. He smiled. She wondered what he must have seen there.

"Actually," she answered as she strolled to the refreshment table in the corner of the room and helped herself to a fistful of Chex Mix and a can of Cherry Coke, "It went really well Nick. I'm glad you made me go."

He smiled brightly as he joined her on the couch. "I'm really happy to hear that Em."

Emily nodded in agreement and passed the can of coke to him, "can you open that?" she asked. He did, and then passed it back. The two of them sat in silence for a few moments before he reached over and put a hand lovingly on her shoulder.

"I just want to make sure you remember Em, that you can always talk to me... anytime... about anything. I just need you to know that, okay." He said it as if he thought she'd forgotten. As if she could possibly forget something he'd told her every single day, several times a day, for the past five years.

"I know Nick..."

She smiled at him, hoping that her smile would give him some assurance... would let him know that even if she never talked to him about any of this, that she still really did know that she could.

"...and thank you."

He leaned over and kissed her cheek before standing and heading towards the door. "I have to get over to wardrobe and makeup now. You gonna come out and watch the show tonight?"

Emily mulled it over for a few seconds before she shook her head. And then she watched as the smile on his face vanished and was replaced by a concerned look.

"I'm just really tired," she said quickly, and it was true. She could feel herself fading fast. "I think I'm just gonna hang out back here tonight and try to get some rest."

"Oh... well okay sweetheart," the concern didn't disappear from his face completely, but he nodded, seeming to accept her answer. "I'll leave the tickets with Marcus in case you change your mind. He'll be back here tonight if you need anything... and we're only doing a few songs, so we shouldn't be too late."

Emily nodded at him and smiled, "I'll be alright Nick." She sometimes... most times, wished he wouldn't treat her like such a little girl. She was 17 after all... not five.

He looked at her and sighed, "You know I worry about you."

She knew. How could she not know.

"I know." she answered, "But tonight I'm okay... honest."

He smiled at her and turned to leave, "Get some rest Emily. I love you."

"Love you too Nick."

He walked out the door finally leaving Emily alone in his dressing room. She grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch and tried to get comfortable enough to sleep.

After all she'd been through in the last 24 hours, she slipped into her dreams quicker than ever.

Emily was thirteen yeas old and she was standing in the hallway of Oakwoods Middle School with her two very best friends. They were talking and giggling happily, as teenaged girls do, about what they'd be doing as soon as the bell rang. It was the last day of school before spring break and they were well aware that in just a few minutes they'd be free for an entire week of fun in the sun.

It was her best friend Jamie who asked her the question she'd been dreading all day.

"Where are you gonna go for spring break?"

Emily just shrugged her shoulders. "Nowhere that I know of. I mean, I guess we're just staying home." In fact, she knew she'd be staying home all week... they never went anywhere for spring break. Or summer break... or any other break.

The bell rang above their heads and they threw their bags over their shoulders and headed out the double doors of the school into the bright afternoon sunlight.

"See ya in a week!" Jamie shouted over her shoulder as she headed for her mother's car on the other side of the parking lot.

"Have fun at Disney World!" Emily hollered back.

Jamie smiled and waved as she clambered into the car and Emily waved back, sighing as she set herself towards home. It was a beautiful spring day and for once she was actually looking forward to the long walk. She'd just struck off down the sidewalk to where the crossing guard was waiting when she heard her name being called out from somewhere behind her. When she turned around to see who it was she saw Chris standing there. He was leaning against her mother's navy blue Ford Taurus and he was smirking at her.

Emily's heart fell and her stomach muscles tightened at the sight of him. 'What does he want?' she wondered silently to herself as she walked cautiously towards the car, half a mind to turn around and run the other direction as fast as she could and never look back.

As she approached him she could see her mother sitting in the front seat of the car. Their eyes met for a brief moment and she smiled.

Emily smiled back.

She couldn't help but notice her mom was wearing her darkest pair of sunglasses again that day. She shuddered as her thoughts raced back to the things that had happened the night before.

"Get in the car," Chris directed Emily harshly, opening the rear passenger door and gesturing forcefully for her to climb in. She did as she was told and slid quickly and quietly into the back seat as he slammed the door behind her. She watched him from the window of the car for a few moments, waiting until she was sure he was deep in coversation with one of her classmate's fathers. "Where are we going?" she asked her mother, never taking her eyes off him.

"To the lake for the weekend," she replied without looking back at her daughter. Emily could tell she was watching Chris too... staring intently at him out of the corner of her eye. "I wanted it to be you and me Emers..." she whispered, her voice cracking slighty, "but when I told him I was taking you... he insisted on coming with us."

Emily wasn't surprised. She nodded her head understandingly from the back seat. Chris had stopped talking now and he opened the front door to climb in. She could smell the whiskey on his breath from where she was sitting.

"What'd you tell her Angela?" he asked. He sounded angry, like he always did, as he reached over and squeezed her mother's shoulder... Emily could tell he was squeezing it way too hard.

"She said we're going to the lake for the weekend," Emily piped up from her spot in the back, trying to take his mind off her mother. "It sounds like fun."

He loosened his grip on her as he backed the car out of the parking lot without saying another word.

They were driving down the road in silence now... had been for quite sometime, and Emily really needed to go to the bathroom. She leaned up and tapped her mother on the shoulder, not wanting to bother her, but at the same time knowing she really had to.

Her mom turned around to look at her and she whispered that she needed to pee. Angela nodded her head in understanding and glanced over to the seat beside her where Chris was driving. His eyes never left the road.

"Emily really needs to use the bathroom." She said nervously.

"She's a big girl," He grunted, "she can hold it."

Emily sighed, she really, really hated him.

Her mother looked back at her and Emily shook her head... she really couldn't hold it.

"She needs to go Chris... can't we just stop at the next exit?"

Chris jerked his head around towards Emily and she quickly stared down at the floor. Even still she could feel his eyes boring a hole into the top of her head. "FINE!" He yelled steering the car roughly onto the exit, "but you'd better make it quick!"

He pulled up to the front of the gas station and Emily hopped quickly out, racing inside and to the restroom. Someone was already in there though, so she stood outside the door and waited as patiently as she could, counting the moments and wondering how long Chris would wait. She glanced at the big burly guy sitting behind the counter and then out the window towards the car where Chris was pumping gas. Thoughts rushed through her head that maybe she should say something. Maybe she should tell the guy that she and her mom were being kidnapped by an abusive madman. But instead, the door opened and an elderly woman came out. Emily took her place in the bathroom and finished her business as quickly as she could. She washed her hands and ran some cool water over her face. She dreaded the thought of going back out and getting back in the car with him again.

As she opened the door and stepped out, she felt a hand grab her arm tightly. She gasped in pain. He was squeezing as hard as he could and he wouldn't let go. She knew without saying a word that he wasn't going to let go.

"What the hell took you so long?" He whispered harshly in her ear.

Emily couldn't answer. The pain had taken her breath away and so instead of trying to answer, she just stared up at him, pleading with her eyes for him to let her go. But he didn't. Perhaps he took her silence as a sign of defiance. She didn't struggle as he dragged her towards the door and out into the parking lot. She wanted to yell out, but she couldn't. He finally released his grip on her and yelled at her to 'haul ass' back to the car. She must not have been moving fast enough because the next thing she knew she was being picked up from behind.

This time she didn't go quietly.

"STOP!" she cried loudly, finally finding her voice, as he squeezed her around the waist. "LET ME GO!"

She was nearly screaming at the top of her lungs now, but he didn't put her down, and sadly, no one was around to hear her cries. He opened the door and threw her forcefully into the back seat with a thud. She curled into a ball and lay there crying. Emily heard his door open and then the door next to hers. She felt someone's arms wrap warmly around her as he started the car and drove rapidly out of the parking lot.

"I'm sorry baby," her mom whispered tearfully as she held her close, "I'm so, so sorry!"

"Emily... Emily! Wake up!"

She could hear Marcus' voice pulling her away from her dream. A welcome interuption and yet... she still couldn't quite snap out of it. She lay there on the couch, her eyes shut tight, her heart beating rapidly inside her chest as sweatbeads poured down her forehead.

"Emily..." she heard him calling again and this time she forced herself to open her eyes.

"Are you okay?" He asked, the concerned look on his face surprisingly worse than the ones Nick usually gave her.

She nodded her head, still taking long deep breaths to slow her body down. Dr. Campbell had missed telling her the part where the flashbacks caused a person's entire body to run in overdrive... Dr. Campbell. Suddenly Emily shot up off the couch, remembering where she was and the conversation she'd had earlier in the day with Dr. Campbell.

The breakthrough. The dream... whatever it was. Was she starting to remember? This was definitely something new. She shook her head and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, watching as Marcus walked to the table and grabbed her a bottle of water, his eyes never once glancing away from her.

"He was drunk that day," she said to herself without really thinking about the fact that she wasn't alone.

"Who was drunk?" Marcus questioned curiously as he sat down beside her and handed her the bottle of water. Emily took a few sips and tried to think of how she could possibly work her way out of the answer to that quesion.

"Oh... uh... no one," she answered sheepishly, looking away and hoping he wouldn't ask anymore questions, "I was just... uh.. dreaming."

Marcus nodded. "You were definitely dreaming girl. I heard you hollering at someone to let you go from all the way out in the hallway. I thought some crazed fan had someone broken in or something."

Emily shook her head and shivered as her mind raced back to that moment in the dream. Marcus definitely noticed.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Mmm... yeah... it was just... it was a really weird dream."

Marcus seemed to accept her explanation, nodding as he rose from the couch and walked towards the door. He glanced back at her and smiled. It was a smile that failed to mask the concern in his eyes, but tried it's best to say he believed her, "Okay then," he smirked, now really smiling, "well, Boy Blue and the rest of the gang will be back in the hold very shortly. I'll be out in the hall if you need anything."

Emily couldn't help but laugh.

She laid back down on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. She thought back on the dream and wiped her eyes as the tears streamed down her cheeks. She tried really hard to remember that day... those moments. She'd been trying for years. What happened next? But she couldn't. And even still, with this new piece of the puzzle, as much as she wanted to, she wasn't sure she really wanted to.

She had a terrible feeling that after this, things were only going to get worse.

It had been three days since Emily had talked with Dr. Campbell. Three days since her flashback in the arena dressing room. And thankfully things had been quiet since then. They were still in New York City and would be for another week and for those three peaceful days, Emily had been able to do something she hadn't done in a long time.

Truly enjoy herself.

Marcus hadn't been kidding when he told her he was going to make sure she had the whole experience. She'd seen two Broadway shows already -- The Lion King with Nick and Legally Blonde with Leighanne (who was in town spending time with Brian) and he'd set her up with tickets to see Rent the next day with AJ. She done a lot of other fun things too. Brian had taken her on a bus tour of downtown, Howie had taken her out to lunch, and then all of them had gone together to visit the site of the World Trade Centers. That had been a somber experience though. Not much fun. Nothing really puts things into perspective quite like standing on the exact spot where thousands of people lost their lives that fateful day.

Nick had been the busiest of all the guys this trip... doing some extra work for a friend's album, but tonight was supposed to be their night. He was taking Emily to the Empire State Building... somewhere she'd always wanted to go since she was a little girl.

Emily stretched as she stepped out onto the balcony of their hotel room. She stared out across the city and thought about how insanely lucky she was to be alive at that exact moment. She thought about how far she'd come in just a few weeks... and how hard it was to believe she was really still alive. Especially considering just a week before she likely would have stood on that same balcony and contemplated throwing herself over the edge.

But now... now she wanted to live. Now she felt pretty good. No small thanks to the fact that for the first time in months she was sleeping well. She was relaxed.

Sure, she'd had at least one dream in that time... an older one... shortly after she'd fallen asleep the night before. But Nick had heard her talking in her sleep and had woken her up before it got too bad.

Emily had yet to talk to Nick about her appointment with Dr. Campbell or the things they'd discussed, other than to reassure him repeatedly that she was, in fact, okay. She was beginning to think he was actually starting to believe her too... at least he wasn't constantly watching her like a hawk now. There was a part of her that wanted to talk to him about everything... that part of her that really truly wanted to "let him go". She knew eventually she would have to tell Nick, but she wasn't ready just yet.

She figured she'd know when she was.

A knock at the door stirred her from her thoughts. She walked over and opened it to find Marcus standing in the hallway. He smiled at her as she grabbed her purse off the table in the hall, knowing he'd come to escort her to her ride. The two of them walked together to the elevator and then rode down to the hotel lobby in a comfortable silence. They stepped out into the cool evening air and Marcus opened the door of the limo so that she could climb in.

"Nick says he'll meet you there." He winked at her and she smiled back.

"Thanks Marcus."

He closed the door and they were on their way.

Emily sat quietly in the back and enjoyed the ride downtown, watching out the window as the city passed her by outside. When the limo finally stopped in front of her destination she sighed in awe.

"Wow," she said as the driver opened the door and offered her his hand. She took it and allowed him to help her out of the car. She stared up at the towering building before her and suddenly she felt small and insignificant. Like her problems really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Kind of the way she'd felt at ground zero a few days before.

She followed behind as the driver escorted her into the lobby and towards the elevator where they waited for several moments together. 'Nick must be waiting at the top,' she thought as she stepped in and the driver pressed the up button. They reached the 86th floor in a matter of seconds and the doors opened up into the observatory. Emily stepped out as the doors closed behind her and she turned suddenly to realize she was alone. It was a sickening feeling to be so high and so small and so alone. She looked around the room, wondering where all of the other observers might be and that's when her eyes fell upon Nick's figure, standing across the room. He was looking through the binoculars out into the evening sky.

"Hey," she called out to him and he turned around and grinned at her.

"Hey Em."

She walked over to where he was stood and he put his arm around her her. The two of them stood there together, looking out across the vast city that was New York. Just taking it all in.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" He asked as he motioned towards the skyline.

Emily nodded in agreement, "It's amazing. Is that George Washington Bridge over there?" She pointed towards the large bridge in the distance and he nodded and pointed to something else.

"And that's the Hudson River there."

"Wow... you can really see the whole world from up here, huh?"

"I know," he said, holding up an information booklet from the lobby, "according to this you can see into New Jersey, Pennsylvania, Connecticut and Massachusetts from up here."

"That's amazing."

The two of them stood there for a few more minutes just taking it all in together before Nick spoke again.

"You know," he whispered, his voice shaky, "if I could... I'd give you all of this."

Emily looked at him, unsure of what he meant or what to say, "What do you mean?"

"I mean Em... that if I could... I'd give you the world."

She smiled as he took her hand.

"I don't need the world Nick," she told him, wiping freshly fallen tears from her cheek... "I just need a family."

He wrapped his arm warmly around her and took her into a comforting hug. "It's just... you've been through so much Emily... and you're so strong. I just wish I could be a better family for you. I know I'm not your parent. I never will be. But just like any parent in the world, I will never stop wishing I could give you so much more than I can."

Emily shook her head, the tears falling faster than she could possibly control. She had been through a lot... he was right. But she wasn't that strong. And she hated to think that Nick felt he hadn't given her enough when in her heart she knew he couldn't have possibly given her anymore than he already had.

"Nick," she sniffled, looking up into the eyes of the only real family member she'd ever really known besides her mother, "I couldn't ask for a better big brother. If it weren't for you," and this was hard to say, "I wouldn't even be standing here right now."

He looked at her and shook his head, "I just wish I could understand what's going on with you."

Emily sighed heavily and stared down at the floor, wiping the tears as they continued to slide down her cheeks and drip to the pavement below. She felt his hand on her chin as he lifted it gently so that she was looking him in the eyes.

"Nick... don't say that..." she sniffed.

"I do."

She shook her head, "But I don't."

He glanced at her questioningly. Emily knew there was no way she could possibly make him understand this. Not without dumping some of her pain in his lap and that was something she never wanted to do.

"Nick," she sighed again, "the only way another person could possibly even begin to understand what I'm going through right now would be if they'd been through what I went through back then... and I wouldn't wish any of that on my worst enemy."

The look on his face told her she'd said more than she should have... but she had to.

"What you went through back then?" He only looked more confused as she nodded her head.

"My God Emily," he responded, this time he was the one who turned away, staring out towards the city, unable to look at her... "What happened to you?"

She could see the tears forming in the corners of his eyes now and she took the opportunity to reach out to him. They stood together for a few minutes, arms around each other, staring out over the city together. Emily watched Nick intently for a few moments, breathing deeply and hoping that maybe this moment, like all other moments, would pass. But it didn't. The awkward silence went on until she couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe right then was the right time...

"Nick," she said it so softly she wasn't sure he'd heard until he looked down at her, and so she continued, "I uh... I... I think I'm ready to talk about this. Er... I think I need to talk about this now."

Nick raised his eyebrows and she nodded.

"I'm ready."

He took her hand and guided her to one of the benches in the corner of the observatory. She stared down at the floor for several long minutes trying to collect her thoughts and control her breathing and knowing that more than anything else she'd ever done in her life... this was going to be extremely painful.

"Take your time," he said gently as he sat down beside her. It was clear Nick knew she couldn't be rushed into this. Clear he knew that trying to speed the process could end in an ugly manner.

"I don't really know where to start," she finally said, releasing Nick's hand and rubbing her own together. "I.. um... do you remember Chris?"

"Chris..." Nick said, obviously going back in his mind to remember the name and then, it seemed to click, "You mean the guy from the accident?"

Emily nodded. So they did know who it was who'd been involved in the wreck.

"I remember your mother talking about him a few times... but I never met him. He was her boyfriend right? What about him?" He looked over at Emily, obviously anxious for her to continue.

Well..." she said, steadying herself as best she could, knowing it would be better to just let it out... like ripping off a bandaid. She looked up into Nick's eyes and for a moment she saw Chris there. She blinked and shook her head and tried to clear the horrible thoughts. She looked again and it was Nick, staring back at her. Somehow she had a feeling he already knew what was coming. Or at the very least she knew by the look on his face that he suspected that whatever was coming was something really horrible. He seemed to be preparing himself to hear it as much as she was preparing herself to say it.

"Well...," she continued, the tears pouring down her face, "he used to... he...", she seemed to be having trouble letting go of the words. She felt his hand on her shoulder and took another deep breath.

"He used to do things to me Nick..." she finally choked... "really bad things."

The look on Nick's face said it all. It was a combination of pain and anger... of fury and sorrow. He stared down at the floor as he wiped the tears from his own eyes. He clenched his fists in frustration, he ran his fingers through his hair. She could tell he wanted so badly to hurt someone the way they'd hurt her... to get even. But that someone was no longer there to be able to pay the price.

"God Em."

He ran his fingers through his hair in an obvious attempt to calm his nerves.

"Yeah."

He turned his back towards her and leaned his head against the wall, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

"I'm so, so fucking sorry Emily. I should have been there for you. I should have known. My God, dad should have known. How could he not have know!? We should have done something for you."

That was all it took for Emily to burst into tears.

"Please don't Nick!" she sobbed into her hands, "You don't have to be sorry! It's not your fault." She was crying hard now... finally letting go of the emotions she'd held onto for five and half long years. "Please Nick... please, it's not your fault, it's not anyone's fault but mine!"

He stopped crying immediately and grabbed both her arms. "Emily, it's not your fault. Don't ever say that. I don't ever want to hear you say that.! No one deserves that kind of shit. No one." He took her in his arms and she cried quietly on his chest. Emily could feel him crying too.

After a few long minutes like this she pulled away and stood up. She looked down at him and tried her best to smile. She was done crying. She was done confessing. And she was done feeling sorry for herself. And Nick was right... it wasn't her fault anymore than it was anyone else's fault. It was his fault and his alone. And now... she had let him go.

Nick looked up at her and tried his best to paste a smile on his own face. If she could smile then he could too.

"Let's go to dinner then," Emily said as she pulled him up from his seat and he took her hand in his.

"Let's go to dinner," he repeated.

They took one last look at the city as they waited for the elevator to arrive. Emily would never forget this view... this night... or this moment. It was certainly one to remember. They rode back to the lobby in silence and headed out into the night together, hand in hand towards the limo that was waiting for them out front. Nick opened the door and Emily climbed in and slid across as he climbed in behind her.

"Nick," she said, leaning over and taking his hand again as he looked over with a faint smile, "thank you for listening."

"No," he said as he rubbed her fingers with his thumb, "thank you for letting me in."

The rest of that night and the following days passed by quickly. A blur of activity that sped them through the final days of their trip to New York. The guys had plugged away busily at promoting their new album and Emily, for the first time in years, had felt free to do whatever she pleased. And what she pleased amounted mostly to relaxing in the hotel pool and shopping with Leighanne.

Little more was said about the conversation at the Empire State Building, and though Nick couldn't even walk past her now without reaching out a hand to squeeze her shoulder, or offering her an empathetic look, they had nearly returned to the goofy brother-sister relationship that Emily had always treasured.

Tonight was their last night in the city and Emily found herself, like many nights before, laying in her hotel room, staring up at the ceiling while she listened to her music.

Nick was fast asleep in the bed next to hers, snoring like he always did. She couldn't help but smile. She was peacefully tired... or was she tiredly peaceful? She wasn't exactly sure how to describe the feeling except... she liked it.

It was something she hadn't experienced in a long long time.

Telling Nick her secret had felt like removing a huge weight she'd been carrying around on her shoulders... a weight that must have been compressing her lungs and making it difficult to breathe, because she hadn't really realized how hard she'd been struggling to breathe until now.

She rolled onto her stomach and rested her head on the pillow. Slipping her hand into her pillowcase she removed the blanket, her baby blanket - or what was left of it after all these years - from the spot where she'd always kept it safely hidden. She held it out in front of her and sighed. She couldn't help but think that it was almost time to say good bye to this too, and to say good bye to her mother.

Emily had realized a lot of things in that week and one of those things was that she'd never really taken the time to let her mother go. She knew that as her daughter she never had to really let her go completely... and she didn't want to do that. She knew that for the rest of her life there would always be a part of her that loved her mother. A part of her that was her mother's little girl, and that was as it should be.

But she also knew that she needed to begin to accept the fact that she was really and truly gone. That she would never be coming back. Gone in a sense that a thirteen year old can't really comprehend, but that a seventeen year old, almost woman, understands painfully well.

She tucked the blanket back into her pillowcase and laid down. She wasn't quite ready to let her go just yet. And she knew that was okay too.

She could feel her eyes growing heavy and so she set her ipod to play some soft music to lull her into peaceful dreams.

It didn't take long.

Emily was sitting in the back seat of her mom's Ford Taurus. Her mother was there beside her, holding her tightly as the two of them cried together and her mother told her over and over, again and again that she was 'so sorry.'

Chris was still driving... he hollered back at the two of them to "Shut up or else!"

Emily glanced over at her mother's face. She'd taken off her sunglasses and she was staring tiredly at him from her spot beside her daughter. Her eyes were red and blood shot and her face was tear streaked.

Emily could see for the first time in that moment the damage from the beating he'd given her the night before. Both of her eyes were bruised and blackened. There was a handprint on her neck that she hadn't noticed before. Emily leaned closer to her mother and gently touched it. She jerked away at first, but then her eyes came to focus on her daughter and she pulled her into her arms in a gentle embrace.

There must have been a wreck up ahead as the traffic slowed to a near stop. This angered Chris even more. He spewed forth a long stream of curse words into the silence that had overtaken the car and Emily could hear her mother gasp from beside her. The car slowly inched forward with the flow of traffic for the longest time until they were fortunately able to pass the wreck.

Chris sped up quickly then... too quickly. He was driving irratically now, the scenery flew by at an alarming rate of speed as her mother pled for him to slow down.

They reached their exit a few minutes later and Chris swerved the car quickly off, taking them from the highway towards the mountains. They were still traveling at a tremendous speed, only now, on hills and around curves, and Emily's stomach performed flip flops as he veered sharply up the steep roads. Her mother begged repeatedly for him to stop... until finally he'd clearly had enough.

He reached around behind him into the back seat and swung at her. The sickening thud of his fist meeting her head nearly made Emily vomit into the floorboard. He reared back to hit her again, but the car suddenly took a dangerous jolt off the road before he turned his attention back to driving and barely managed to gain control.

"You're going to kill us!" Angela screamed louder with each passing moment. Emily couldn't remember a time she'd ever seen her mother so angry.

Chris took another curve at a dangerous speed, reaching behind him once more and grabbing her mother's shirt in his fist. Emily screeched as the car lurched violently off the side of the road. Angela struggled to free herself and moments later Emily could feel her arms around her. She edged the two of them towards the passenger door, as far away from his reach as she could possibly get and hauled Emily into her lap. She glanced up quickly and popped the lock on the door while he was busy trying to once again gain control of the car.

Emily watched her mother, a million questions in her eyes... what was she doing? And why?

"I'm going to open the door..." she whispered, running her hands through Emily's hair and trying to put on her bravest face, "when I tell you to... you have to jump."

Emily looked at her mother with an expression she was sure portrayed an equal amount of confusion and terror. They were in the backseat of a car being driven by a complete nutcase and her mother seriously wanted her to jump out the back door.

Was she crazy?!

"No mom!" She whispered to her urgently... "No... no... I want to stay with you."

Emily hugged her mother tightly... as tightly as she'd every hugged her before. It was the kind of hug that said more than words could ever say. Angela hugged her back. She held Emily against her chest as she told her how much she loved her and how sorry she was for everything she'd been through... for everything he'd done to her. For everything she'd been responsible for putting her through.

"Because," her mom whispered, "this was all my fault."

Emily looked up at her mother, not quite sure what she was saying... or why... but she couldn't help but think the worst as she tried her best to blink back the tears. The car was bouncing along off the road at an alarming rate now. They were dangerously close to trees and other objects and Emily knew if they didn't do something soon, they were going to crash. Chris slowed down momentarily, trying to gain control of the situation, and that's when her mother took her chance.

Emily watched as she grabbed the door handle and pulled it hard, wrestling with it for a few moments before it clicked open. Chris had seen her too. He hollered loudly at her to stop and reached back, grabbing her hair in his hand as the car slowed even more and yanking her forward. Emily heard her say "I love you baby," one last time and then...

She was sailing through the air... she was falling... she...

There was a loud crash followed by a soft thud. Emily heard someone scream her name as she struggled with every fiber of her being to catch her breath and open her eyes.

"Emily!"

It was Nick.

"Holy shit Em! What the hell happened?"

Emily finally opened her eyes and tryed to focus. She was clearly lying on the floor of their hotel room, the lamp from the bedside table was in pieces around her. She couldn't catch her breath and her sobs were coming harder and stronger with each passing second. She looked up at Nick and he looked down at her and his expression displayed a thousand emotions, not the least of which Emily recognized as complete and utter terror.

She could only imagine.

Nick crouched down on the floor next to Emily and took her in his arms.

Somewhere across the room a door opened... Emiy could hear Brian's voice as Nick stood to talk to him, but she couldn't tell what they were saying over the sound of her own sobs.

And the crying continued for several long, seemingly endless minutes before finally her breathing started to even out and she found herself able to concentrate... though only slightly, once again.

Emily felt something cool touch her forehead and she jumped before realizing it was only a cold towel Brian had placed on her head. She jerked back when Nick began cleaning her arm with wet cloths. She hadn't even realized she was bleeding.

She glanced up again moments later to see that AJ and Howie had now entered the room, concerned looks etched upon both of their faces. She didn't care though. Not what they thought... not anymore.

She did her best to continue concentrating on her breathing, still unable to really hear what they were saying over the rushing of her pulse in her ears, or focus on anything other than trying not to have a heart attack.

It was many more minutes later before things finally began to become clearer for Emily. She could hear Nick's voice coming through now, uneasy and startled, but still trying his best to reassure her, "It's okay Em... I'm here... it's okay."

She looked up into her brother's eyes and watched as he focused on hers. She tried to think about the past few days and how much fun they'd had... she tried to think about anything at all to take her mind off the things she'd just seen. But she couldn't. It was all she could think about. It was all she could see. She had to tell someone.

She had to tell someone right now.

"N-Nick," she choked out as she struggled to fight back the sobs that threatened to return.

"Yeah sweetheart," he asked, leaning over and taking her hand tightly in his, obviously aware that she really needed him right now, "I'm right here."

Emily breathed deeply, "like a bandaid"... she reminded herself... "I've got to just get this over with."

With one final breath and a sob, she blurted it out.

"Nick, he killed her!"

The sobs came again and Nick was right there in a second, hugging her tightly and trying to make sense of things, "Who sweetheart? Who killed someone? Somebody in your dream?"

Emily shook her head emphatically... "no.." she sobbed... watching as all four of the guys raised their eyebrows.

"Ch... Chr..." but she couldn't bring herself to say his name. No matter how hard she tried or how hard she focused on doing it. He still had control of her to the extent that she may never be able to say his name outloud again. She tried to focus as hard as she could on just letting it out, "Chr... the guy I told you about!" she finally found herself crying out instead.

Nick looked at her alarmed now, still not quite knowing who or what his sister was refering to, but trying his very best to take her seriously, "Who'd he kill Em?"

"He... he... he..." she choked back more and more sobs as she tried to get the words out... "He killed my mom!"

Out of the corner of her eye Emily could see Howie and AJ jerk their heads towards where she and Nick were sitting. Brian stopped fiddling with the first aid kit on the bed. Nick stared down at her. Clearly none of them knew the right words to say.

In a sitation like this... there were no right words to say.

And so in the following moments the room grew completely, eerily silent.

"How do you know Emily?" Nick asked, finally brave enough to break the silence.

She shook her head and wiped yet more tears. "Because"... she whispered, not daring to look at any of them... "because I remember."

"You remember?" Nick asked looking confused. A look Emily had grown very familiar with. "You mean... you remember the accident?!" His looked changed from one of confusion to one of surprise.

Emily rubbed her eyes furiously as she nodded her head.

Nick shook his head in disbelief, "What happened Emily?"

She took a few more deep breaths and then... she told them the entire story. From the moment they left the school, when she'd smelled the whiskey on his breath... to the moment where her mother had thrown her from the door of the moving car. And then, she stopped talking and sat in silence. Tears poured faster and faster down her face as the realization finally struck her...

The guys had all stopped staring as soon as she'd started recounting that day. Howie was pacing the room now and AJ and Brian were seated next to one another on Nick's bed, staring down at the floor. None of them had uttered a single word.

"What is it Emily?" Nick asked after the uncomfortable silence had gone on for several agonizing minutes and he turned to her, noticing the tears sliding down her cheeks and soaking her t-shirt.

"Oh God... Oh my God..." she whispered repeatedly as the tears grew stronger... "oh my God... my mom saved my life."

Nick reached for Emily and pulled her close, hugging her tightly as she finally released the sobs she'd been holding in the entire time she'd been trying so hard to tell her gutwrenching story. Brian whispered to Nick to call him if they needed anything at all and with that, he, Howie and Aj slipped quietly from the room, leaving the two of them alone to work things out.

Emily sat there for what felt like forever, wrapped in Nick's arms where she felt safe and secure. He told her over and over again that everything would be okay. That he was there for her. That he loved her.

And for the first time in a really long time Emily truly believed him. For the first time in a really long time, Emily believed in love.

She cried until she couldn't cry anymore and then... she stood silently and climbed back into bed. Nick tucked her in beneath the covers and sat down beside her. He would sit there for the rest of the night, never leaving her side. Emily wanted to sleep. She was as exhausted as she'd ever been in her whole life. But she was also afraid.

"Go ahead and go to sleep Em," Nick whispered as she closed her eyes and tried to relax.

He rubbed the hair from her forehead with one hand, the other she was still holding onto for dear life. She could hold on as long as she wanted... he wasn't letting go.

"I'll be right here beside you," he whispered as she drifted off. "I'm so proud of you Em."

Emily found herself sitting on the dock outside her brother's home in Marathon, Florida. A place she'd come to know and love. A place she could rest and relax and really enjoy herself. It'd been nearly a year since that life changing night in that hotel room. She'd certainly changed. She was home on spring break from Boston College and she'd spent the week just hanging out with her family. She laid back against the cool wood of the dock, watching as the sun began to set out over the bay as Nick, Aaron and her father rode their jet skis in wild circles out on the water.

The events that transpired on that trip to New York City changed her life forever.

For better.

Emily had called Dr. Campbell first thing the following morning and she'd told her to come in right away. They'd sat together in her office for several hours, talking about her breakthrough and what it meant and what it would mean for her future.

And just like Dr. Campbell had warned during that meeting, It had taken Emily a long, long time to even begin to accept the fact that her mother had died because of 'him'. It had been much different... much easier, when she'd believed the entire thing had been a horrible accident. It was harder to come to grips with the fact that it hadn't really been an accident at all. Dr. Campbell had explained that most likely Emily's brain had blocked the memory from her mind in hopes to protect her very young and vurnerable self from the impact of it. Perhaps her amnesia following the accident was less from the injury to her skull and more of her mind simply knowing that her heart couldn't take it.

Nick had supported his sister through everything. He'd sat beside her the entire night after it happened, and for days following. He'd told her he was sorry more times than she could count. He said he would do anything she wanted him to do to make things right... or to make things better.

He even offered to call the police department who'd originally handled the accident all those years before and have them reopen the investigation into her mother's death. They had ruled it an accident... a horrible and tragic accident... and that's how everyone she knew and everyone in their town had viewed it. Nick told Emily that maybe they could get the cause of death changed from accidental to homicide. But Emily didn't want that. Not for her mom who she knew had tried so hard to keep the secret of the things that man had done to her, for the same reasons Emily had... fear and shame. And Emily also didn't want that for his family. Perhaps they already knew the kind of person he was... or maybe not. If they didn't, she didn't want to be the one to bring it to light. If they did, she didn't want to be the one to reopen old wounds.

When their trip to New York finally ended after several extra days due to the breakthrough and Nick's insistence that they stay as long as necessary for Emily to talk to Dr. Campbell, Nick had brought her home to Florida and it was then that she'd begun what she now looked at as her "new life." He'd taken her to visit her mother's grave and for the first time since her death, Emily was really truly able to say good bye. It was as if the whole experience made what once seemed like an awful nightmare a true reality. Like having that nightmare was the key to waking up from a horrible dream.

Emily glanced up from her spot on the dock to where the guys were cruising around on the water. Aaron zoomed past their dad and threw water up onto him, soaking his clothes and making him holler out in surprise. A few moments later Bob was laughing and Emily couldn't help but smile.

Their reconciliation had come way too late... but it felt good. She had to admit, she'd never really given her father the chance he deserved. She'd realized sometime during her long talk with Dr. Campbell that somewhere deep inside, without even knowing it, she had blamed her dad for all of the bad things that Chris had done to her when she was younger. She'd thought many nights, "If he hadn't broken my mother's heart... hadn't lied to her... hadn't left us for them". And she thought that way for a very long time. Slowly that began to change though, and one weekend after they'd returned from New York, during her big graduation and going away to college party, she'd overheard him talking to Nick, telling him that none of it would have happened if it hadn't been for him... that "all of this was his fault." From that day on she'd tried her best not to blame him anymore. Especially since it was pretty obvious he already blamed himself.

Emily had started college in August. Nick and her dad had driven her up to Boston the week she'd moved in and together they toured all over the city. Her first experience living alone had been amazing... a blessing... filled with friends and fun and the chance to really be herself in a place where no one knew what had happened in her past. It was hard to believe that if her life had been different... if college had come just a year earlier, she would never had made it.

Nick zoomed up in front of her on his jet ski and sat there for a moment just looking at her and studying her face. "What are you thinking about?" He asked, obviously having noticed her look of deep concentration.

"Nothin'."

He smiled and hopped off his jet ski and up onto the dock beside her, taking a seat on the ground next to her, their feet dangling over the side into the water. They sat in silence like that for a few moments and soon, Aaron and their dad had joined them to watch as the sun sank down even lower in the distance.

"No really though," he whispered into her ear, "what ya thinkin' about?"

Emily smiled and sighed... "just life."

Nick nodded his head.

"It's beautiful isn't it?" Nick asked as he looked out over the water, glistening in the twilight.

"You mean, life?" she asked, glancing at him confused.

He laughed, "the sunset you goofball!"

Emily nodded... "Oh. yeah..."

He wrapped his arm around her and they watched as the sun finally set completely, leaving them in almost total darkness.

A darkness Emily no longer feared.

"... life sure is beautiful."