The plate of cookies had been set out. The Night Before Christmas read and the twins, Melissa and Bobby, tucked snuggly into their beds. She smiled for the first time in a long time as she watched Bobby slightly squirm before he settled on a position. He looked so much like his Father. But this year he wasn't with them and neither of their little minds could comprehend the reason for it. Daddy wasn't there and even though they were being well behaved about
it, they still didn't like it. She didn't like it any more than they did. It killed her that they had to spend Christmas without him. It killed her that she had to spend it without him as well. After quietly pulling the bedroom door closed, she returned to the living room; the only thing keeping her warm was his memory. Not even the golden yellow flames dancing in the fireplace could radiate that kind of warmth. Checking the stockings one more time, she sat down on the couch and chuckled as she found the note the children had left for Santa beside the cookies. They'd left the entire notepad and the pen they'd scribbled it with there. The things we wish for when we're small she mused. She flipped the page over and decided to take pen to paper just for giggles.



Dear Santa Claus,

As we reach a certain age, our notions of you being real disappear with our childhood. Only as we become parents do we understand what all those foolish notions meant to us as the hearts of our children are poured out to you as they sit on your lap at the local mall. Their little eyes fill with joy as they animatedly share with you all the gifts they wish for that particular year. That may be why I'm taking pen to paper now. I would give my children anything their hearts desired but I can't give them this. The one thing I wish I that could be brought back myself. When he was in the hospital clinging to life, I could explain it away as Daddy doing his job but when his poor heart finally gave out just this last Spring, I had to tell them Daddy was one of those angels that watched over them everyday. It tore my heart out when they asked you to bring him home for Christmas. Their little minds not fully grasping the concept that he would never be coming home. They miss him. I miss him.

He gave us everything in life and in return, it took his. I keep trying to tell myself that he's in a far better place than I can understand. I have to be the strength of this family now. The one they call out for in the middle of the night when a bad dream disrupts their peaceful sleep. It crushes my heart when either of them asks for Daddy. I pray to God every night hoping that he'll give me the answer to somehow press into their little four year old minds that Daddy's not here anymore and yet no answer comes. He gave his children everything even when he knew he shouldn't. That is one of the many things that keeps me from finding them another Daddy. I'm not ready to let go of his memory. I'm not sure I want to. He was the best thing that ever happened to me and was taken before I could fully appreciate the man he was.

As I sit here writing this letter to you, you jolly old elf you, I watch him fill Bobby and Melissa's stockings as though he were right here in the room with me. That genuine, beautiful smile that I could see before he would even turn to look at me. The glimmer of mischieviousness in those dazzling baby blues of his as he would creep toward the couch with a sprig of mistletoe hidden in his pocket. Kneeling down next to the couch where I lay watching him, fishing out the leafy object and holding it over our heads. Grinning like a damn fool. Like I ever needed a reason to kiss him. After necking like a couple of teenagers on their parent's couch, he'd return to the task at hand as though he were the king of the
world, sliding me a deviant smirk every now and again just because.

I remember the day we lost him. As I sat there at his bedside holding his hand as he breathed his last breaths, he looked at me and said,"Promise me something." I wasn't sure how to respond to that but I nodded as he continued. "Promise me you'll name her April." We had found out barely two weeks before he went into the hospital that I was pregnant with our third child. Again, I was unsure how to respond as the tears seem to flow of their own accord. I could see at that point that I was losing him. I asked how he knew, he squeezed my hand and pushed a smile onto his lips,"I just do. I love you babe. Promise me." I agreed with a numb nod because the tightness in my throat had stole the words I wanted him to hear as well." I love you too bear." Bobby and Melissa received their new little sister the week before Thanksgiving. How he knew it would be a girl, I still can't comprehend.

Sometimes I think I can still hear him calling for the children in the middle of the night as he would arrive home from a long and arduous plane ride at the end of the leg of a tour. I would get upset for him spoiling their routine but the minute I saw him sweep the little bundles of joy up into his arms, them smothering him with their precious little kisses, I would forget the whole thing. I coud go on and on about my Bri bear but the only thing I truly want this year is to be able to hear his voice just one more time. To know that he is indeed out there watching over the four of us. It may be silly but I know I'm guaranteed a room filled with laughter the minute their little legs carry them down the stairs to find what's under the Christmas tree. I could go on and on about him and you probably think I already have but how do you not say so much about a man who gave everything to all the people in the world that adored him? You can't so I'm going to end this here in hopes that somehow, someway, you'll be able to grant me just this one wish.


Love,
Kathy



Brian had watched as she'd scribed their life to a fictional man in a red suit. He'd watched her as she put them to bed.
He checked on each and every one of them, including the child he'd never know in life and looked to the Heavens himself."I know you'll watch over them all but please take care of this one. You and I both know she's gonna have it rough." And crept down the hall(as if it were totally necessary), into the living room where his beloved Kathy rest her head against the arm of the couch. He brushed away the soft blonde tangle of curls and watched as she slept
soundly; clutching the notepad against her chest. "Keep her strong." He made one last request of the man upstairs and softly kissed her forehead before whispering in her ear."Love you too angel." And disappeared.

The next morning she was woke to the urging of Bobby and Melissa,"Mommy! Mommy! Santa was here! Come on!" They spoke as one mind. Then came April's cries from above them.
"Okay, okay. Let me get your little sister and we'll see what he brought."
They groaned in unison but digressed just the same. They knew their little sister came first. Unfortunately.
Kathy was about to set the pad of yellow paper down when she noticed the artistry staring her in the face. She knew she wasn't crazy. She knew she'd finished HER letter to Santa so there was no way she could have done this.
There, enclosed in a heart, were the words to the song he wrote for their wedding day. Smiling, she set the pad down and started up the path to April's nursery. About halfway there, she rose her eyes to the ceiling and whispered," Thank you. Santa."