Kimberly woke up in her new bed. She wiped the crust from her eyes and she once again had cried herself to sleep. She sat up and looked at her phone that was lying flat on the side table near her bed. She hesitated for a minute, but then grabbed it and could feel disappointment wash over her. Still nothing. Nick had not called her ever since Ashley spoke to him. She should be relieved…he no longer left hurtful mails. When she first heard the voice mail of his reaction to the letter she had written him, she couldn’t believe how angry he was. Sure, she knew he was going to be upset...but not that upset! She only told him the truth. The cruel things he said…it was mind blowing. It was almost like, how could he say such things if he ever claimed to love her? She tried to erase what was said from her mind, but it was still fresh. As she thought about it, she could feel the tears swelling in her eyes.
So it’s not enough that you have to break up with me…but you had to leave me a letter that is full with fucking bullshit?!? What are you trying convince yourself of? That I don’t want you because you don’t run the fucking runway, Kim? You were the girl for me…you are the girl for me! Do you know what really pisses me off? The fact that you say you love me…if you fucking loved me you would not have did what you did. You don’t break up with someone because of a fucking band, Kim! What’s the matter with you? I know there is a lot more that you’re not telling me…what did you have a guy on the sidelines? If you were cheating on me fucking tell me don’t lie. You know I would have given you anything, so why Kim…why? You know what let’s ask a better question. Why do I always let some girl fuck me over? I never thought anyone would ever hurt me as bad as Paris…but guess what? We have a winner! So go claim your prize…oh wait you did, didn’t you? I have nothing else to say other than I can’t even comprehend this fucking shit you wrote. It’s nothing but bullshit and you know it and if you actually believe this garbage then I have nothing left to say to you.
Kimberly just couldn’t believe how cruel he was…but she rather him be cruel. It made it easier…a little bit anyway. She figured since he was so pissed off from the letter that would be the end of it…but she was far from wrong. Nick had called almost ten times that night. It was one voice mail that killed her…it killed her when she heard the pain and agony in his voice. Oh how she just wanted to pick up the phone and call him and tell him how terribly sorry she was and that she wanted to fix things. But she had to hold her ground…it wouldn’t be fair to him. She couldn’t let him ruin his life, she wouldn’t allow it. He had no future if he was with her…no matter what he thought. She laid back down onto the bed and as much as she tried to force the pain in his voice out of her mind, it was impossible. Two tiny little rivers rolled down her cheeks as it kept on playing repeat in her head.
Baby Angel, I’m so sorry for the way I acted. I shouldn’t have said what I did, I’m so sorry. I was just upset and I’m sorry. I miss you so much…I-I just can’t seem to function without you. I need you back with me, Kim. I’ll do anything…this is killing me. I feel like someone is taking my heart and ripping it apart…slowly piece by piece. Please Kim…please don’t let us end like this. I need you…I don’t think you even realize how much I do. I know you think you’re doing the right thing because you rather me having a career with the guys, but I don’t care about them. I really don’t. You’re the only one I care about…I feel like I’m slowly dying. Please Baby Angel, I’m begging you…don’t leave me. I love you…I love you so much. Come back home…I’ll do anything…fuck I’ll even go back to Backstreet if you come back. Just don’t let this be it for us…please. Call me later I really want to talk to you about this. I’ll be waiting for your call.
Her phone beeped and she jumped, looking at it and saw that it was Ashley asking if she was awake. Sadness overcame her as she knew Nick was never going to text her or call her again. She could feel the pain in her chest slowly starting to devour her heart. Maybe he stopped calling because he did what she asked…he moved on with his life. But why was she so upset? Isn’t this what she wanted? As she thought about that, it killed her a little inside. She quickly wiped her eyes. She had to stop with this. She was the one to break up with him, she was the one that wanted him to move on with his life. She couldn’t dwell over him like this. Nick had moved on with his life and she knew it was time for her to do that same. But was that even possible? She knew she had no choice, it was time to make a new chapter in her life.
There was a knock at the door, “Kim?” Called her friend.
Kimberly quickly sat up and jumped to her feet. She walked towards the door and opened it. She half smiled, “Hey.”
Ashley saw the red surrounding her green eyes and she sighed, “How you doing today?”
She nodded, “I’m doing good. I just woke up. How are you?”
She shrugged, “I’m alright. Listen, I need to do some shopping. Want to come?”
Kimberly nodded, “Yes, please. I need to get new clothes anyway. Let me get dressed.”
“Okay, I’ll be waiting downstairs.”
Kimberly walked down the stairs wearing her hair up in messy ponytail and some faded jeans and a red shirt. She only had on some light make up and the only set of jewelry she was wearing was a necklace. “Okay, I’m ready,” she said, with a weak smile.
Ashley looked up at her and smirked, “Don’t you look cute.” She then stood up and walked over towards her friend and she noticed the necklace, “That’s cute. When did you get that?”
Kimberly swallowed hard and walked over to the refrigerator and grabbed a can of coke. She snapped it open and took a long sip. She then cleared her throat, “Um…Nick gave it to me,” she said above a whisper; trying with all her might to stop the tears from emerging. Ashley walked over to her and wrapped her arms tightly around her and Kimberly squeezed her tight. Tears rolled down her face and onto Ashley’s hot pink shirt, “I hate this,” she wept.
“I know sweetie,” she said in a soothing voice. “You’re not going to get over him over night. I mean it’s only been what? A week?”
Kimberly pulled away and wiped her drowning eyes, “I know but still…it sucks.”
“Maybe you should take that necklace off?” She suggested, “It’s only going to give you memories.”
“It will give me memories,” she agreed. “The best memories I could ever have.”
Ashley shook her head in disapproval, “You know what, I’m really confused. Why the hell don’t you call up the guy and talk to him? You’re fucking miserable!”
“No! I can’t do that, Ash. I told you why.”
“You’re reason is fucking horseshit!” She growled.
Kimberly cried out a small laugh, “Nick said the same thing.”
She shook her head baffled at her friend, “You’re one of a kind, Kim. I don’t know what to do about you…you’re going to end up…hell, I don’t even know where. I just really hope you get that head of yours on straight.”
“It’s on just fine,” she argued.
“If you say so,” she mumbled. “Well, let’s go shopping. It’ll get our mind off the opposite sex for a while.” And just as she said that, her phone went off. She looked at it and she couldn’t help, as a smirk formed around her mouth.
“Who is that?” Wondered Kimberly, as they walked to the car.
“Ray,” she said, with half smile.
Nick had woken up early and headed down to the studio to work on some things. Whenever he felt like he was going to implode, going down there always seemed to help him. It was like his therapy. He had been writing a lot the past few days. His emotions were eating him alive. He had finished one song and after he sang it out, he felt the pain slowly lessen.
Kevin walked into the studio with the four other guys. They needed to work on some songs for a surprise album for the fans since they’ve been out of the loop for a little bit. That was when they found Nick in the singing booth. They all looked a little perplexed. They saw John, one of the mangers watching him with his arms folded and pleased.
Kevin walked over to him, “What’s up?” He glanced over at Nick, “What’s he doing in there?”
He shrugged, “He called me early this morning and asked if he could record some stuff. The guy’s been there all day.”
Howie turned the speaker on so they could listen to Nick as he sang. AJ’s head shot up as he heard the song and he looked at Kevin stupefied. Kevin looked back over at Nick and he stared at him in dismay. He was singing with pure emotion it almost made him want to tear up.
“Is that one of our new songs?” Wondered Brian.
He shook his head, “I don’t think so,” he murmured as the lyrics began to haunt him.
Can't get in
It's a fight I can't win
It's no use
Now that you've gone away
I know that it's too late
So much I want to say to you
Oh, but I can't get through
I'm screaming out
I can't make a sound
And I don't know how to move on
Wish I could just go back
But I can't do that
It's too late
It's a fact
You're gone
“That was really great, Nick,” said John through the microphone that was attached to Nick’s headpiece. “The guys are here now. So why don’t you take a quick break.”
Nick quickly wiped his eyes with his thumb and finger, “Alright, John.” He took off the headset and left the booth. He looked over at the others, “What’s up?” He wondered, as he took a long sip of his bottled water.
“What was that?” Questioned Howie in astonishment.
He shrugged, “It was just something I was working on that’s all.”
“That was a really beautiful song,” Brian told him impressed.
He half smiled, “Thanks.”
AJ looked at him with guilt in his eyes. He hated how he could feel the pain through Nick’s vocals, “When did you write it?”
“I don’t’ know,” he answered. “Over the past couple of days. Anyway, I’m gonna grab something to eat then we can work on the other songs, okay?”
Kevin nodded, “It’s fine. Take your time.”
Nick just faked a smile with his lips pressed together and he then left the building, feeling the tears burning through his eyes until they rolled down his cheeks. Fuck, when would this stop?
After the boys sang a few songs in the studio for the surprise CD for the fans they had to go to a photo shoot. Somehow Brad pulled strings and they were getting ready for the Rolling Stones shoot. He was a life saver. How he did it was beyond Kevin, all he knew was that Brad was a miracle worker. The Backstreet Boys were to be on next month’s cover. Brad watched as Nick walked in with the guys and how he didn’t fuss about the makeup he hated to wear or when the hair stylist toyed with his hair. He was acting very professional…something he wasn’t quite used to with him.
“What did you do to Nick?” He asked Kevin, as Nick posed for the camera when the boys did their own solo shots. Nick posed the way the photographer ordered him to. He looked happy in front of the camera; he had a spark about him that made the female fans go crazy. It was only when Nick was away from the flashing lights when Kevin saw the real him. Over the past few days there was no life to him what so ever. He was like a shell; he was dead inside. Kevin could see the pain his little brother was going through, although he was doing a fantastic job hiding it from the fans.
Kevin looked at him for a second and wondered if Brad could see the lifeless man standing in front of the camera as well, “What do you mean?”
“He’s on time; he’s not fussy about the wardrobe. I know he was sick and all, but damn…whatever it is I hope he keeps it up!”
Only if Brad knew the truth, if only he knew that he was never sick, the band broke up for a short while. Only if he knew how much agony Nick was in. He was only acting the way that he was because it were as if he stopped caring, he felt like a robot. He did what he was told to do; he was a lifeless shell. It killed Kevin inside and Kevin could see it was bothering AJ as well. Although AJ seemed to be taking advantage of his vulnerable stage. He would take Nick and they’d party for hours at a time and that worried Kevin. Nick was feeling reckless, he’d do anything to get his mind off Kimberly and it seemed that liquor was his best friend. He knew he wanted to feel numb, he wanted to stop the hurt. Only if Kevin knew how to help him…only if he knew a way to get Kimberly and him back together.
“Uh, we just had a talk that’s all,” shrugged Kevin.
“It must have been some talk! Okay, well it’s time for a group shot.”
Kevin walked over towards Nick and the other three joined in for the shoot as well. The spark lit up in Nick’s eyes once again as he faked the heart melting smile that made girls swoon.
“So how long has this been going on?” Wondered Kimberly as they cruised down the mall. “I thought you didn’t want to date Ray because of the distance?”
“Well, that doesn’t mean we can’t still talk,” replied Ashley as she took a turn into a small store. She found a rack of cute pink tops, “Ooh, this would look good on you,” she said with a smile.
Kimberly half smiled and took the shirt Ashley was holding up and pressed it against her, “It is cute,” she admitted. “It would go with my jean skirt.”
Ashley could sense the lack of enthusiasm in her friend’s voice. She walked over to her and put her hand on her shoulder, “It’ll be okay you know.”
Kimberly nodded, “I know…I’ll be fine. It’s just going to take a little bit to adjust that’s all.”
“Kim, why don’t you just call him?”
“I can’t,” she croaked out.
“And why not?”
“Because…I’m the one that broke up with him. I have to keep my word, I’m going to let him get on with his life. I’ll be fine.”
Ashley shook her head in dismay, “No, you won’t. You love him.”
Kimberly wiped away the tear that started to roll down her face, “Yes,” she agreed. “And if you love someone, you need to do what’s best for them. This is what’s best for him.” She cleared his throat, “I heard on the radio that boys are going to be in Canada in two weeks. They wouldn’t be going if I was still with him. He’ll be okay,” she said with a forced smile.
“It’s not him I’m worried about.”
“Don’t worry, Ash. Things will be fine.” Kimberly glanced over and saw a cute rack of skirts, “Ooh, check these out.”
Ashley sighed as she watched Kimberly continue with this terrible charade. She faked a smile, “Very cute.” She decided she had to stop bringing it up, nothing was going to change her mind. She somehow thought in the back of her mind what she was doing for Nick was the best thing…but in fact it was probably the worst.
Nick walked into his house and let out a loud sigh. He was pleased that he recorded the song he had written it came out better than he had intended. He walked into his studio and sat down on the chair that was at granite desk. He looked through the papers as he read more of the lyrics he had drot down. As he was working on another song, he heard the doorbell ring. He groaned and got up to answer it. He looked annoyed when he saw who was standing there, “What do you want?”
Her brown eyes looked hurt from his tone, “I-I wanted to see you. You haven’t talked to me in over a week. I had to see if you were okay.”
“Of course I’m not okay, Angel!” He snapped and walked back into the house, only to go into the refrigerator to grab a beer.
His sister followed him, “I know you hate me, Nick. Benny was right. What I planned backfired.”
“Ya think?!?” He hissed before snapping it open, ‘You’re little stunt caused me my whole relationship!”
“I know,” she choked. Her chocolate eyes began to swell, “I’m so sorry, Nick. I never meant for this to happen. I even tried to call her and she wouldn’t answer the phone calls.” That time tears began to slowly roll down her face, “I-I’m trying to fix the mess I caused, but it seems hopeless. God, I’m so sorry.”
Nick sighed and wrapped an arm around his sister, “I know you didn’t mean for this to happen. No one did.” He then shrugged, “Shit happens and life moves on. Your heart was in the right place.”
She wrapped both of her arms around him and squeezed him tight, “I’d do anything if I could take back that night.” Tears flowed down her cheeks, “I’m so sorry, Nick,” she repeated.
“Hey, hey. It’s okay.” He bent down and kissed her on the head, “I’ll be fine. This isn’t the first time this has happened, ya know? I’ll deal like I always do.”
Angel pulled away and looked up at her brother, “But this time is different, Nick. She didn’t use you or lie about something just to get you to get her something.”
Nick was doing his hardest to fight his true emotions. All he wanted to do was lash out at Angel and say the cruelest things he could think of to her. He was madly in love with Kimberly and there was nothing he could do or say to win her back…all because of Angel…his own blood. He pushed her away and turned to his beer to chug it down. He sat down at the table and could feel the tears sting, “Maybe you should just go,” he said through his torn voice.
Angel looked at him surprised by his sudden change of attitude, “What?” She sat down next to him, “So you are mad at me…”
He looked at her with his suffering blue eyes, “Do you not know how much I was in love with her? Do you not know how happy I was with her?” His voice bitter.
“You know I do…but I felt your judgment was clouded from being with her. I was worried you didn’t care about your career with the boys.”
“I didn’t!” He shouted, “Was I talking in different language when I told you that before? I don’t fucking care about them. Kim made me happy, I hadn’t been happy in a long time, Angel and finally when I’m where I belong, someone takes it from me.” Nick looked at her livid, “If it weren’t for you and AJ putting shit in her head she would still be with me!”
Angel looked up at her brother with heart wrenching eyes, “Nick, I never once said anything to Kim about the band.” She sighed and stood up, “I just wanted to come on by to check up on you. I love you and again, I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I’ll do all I can to fix it.”
He shook his head, “Don’t bother. It’s done and over with. She and I through. So give yourself a nice pat on the back.”
She felt more tears trinkling down her face, “God, Nick,” she said in a heartbreaking voice. “I’ll see you later.” She stormed to the door, not believing her brother and how he would be so cruel when just moments ago he was acting as though it was alright. Saying that life moves on, that he’ll get over it.
“You wanna know something,” he miserably said, as he took a sip of his beer. “This feels like déjà vu.”
She turned her head and glanced at her despairing brother, “What?” She asked confused.
“Last time you were here is when you were cruel to her at the mall. You know, telling her I thought she was using me and all that. Now you’re here because you pushed her out of my life. It doesn’t really feel like much of a coincidence…does it?”
Angel could feel herself become heated, “What are you saying?!?” She hissed.
He glared at her with hard moist eyes, “I’m saying you never liked her. It was all an act, Angel. You’re just like AJ. Apparently no one is good enough for me unless they’re fake and have a load of cash.”
Her draw dropped, “How the hell could you even say that to me? You know I liked her! Fuck, I’m trying to fix the mess I caused.”
“Mmm-hmm. I’m sure you are. Just get out,” he coolly said.
She shook her head in outrage, “I can’t fucking believe you!” She left the apartment and slammed the door shut as hard as she could.
Once Angel had left, that was when he felt the warm tears make their way down his face. And he dropped his head down into his arms on the table and sobbed like a child. He didn’t know what possessed him to say such hateful things towards the only family member that only wanted to help him. He just couldn’t bare the pain in his chest, it was slowly killing him. He needed to get out of the house, he needed to stop thinking about her. He grabbed his phone and started to text AJ.
I wanna get fucked up tonight
The more he drank the less he thought about her and that’s what he needed. It numbed him just enough where he didn’t care anymore.
You okay bud?
Of course he wasn’t okay! Why the hell was everyone asking that when they clearly knew the answer. Did they think he should be happy that the only girl in God knows how old long made him happy left him? That she left him all because she thought she was doing him a favor?
Just having a shit ass day
Let’s go to that Penthouse Club
Ton of hotties there and I need a distraction
Meet me at my place in an hour
He knew there were a lot of whores that went to that place. He went there once with some buddies of his a few years back. He couldn’t believe the way some of the girls threw themselves at him and how they threw themselves at his friends…although that was the whole point of going. He promised he’d get them some pussy and he did. Girls did anything for him with the snap of a finger…even have sex with other men he asked them to just as long as he at least acted as if they existed. He would only need to make small talk, flirt with them, put an arm around them and they caved. He hated girls like that; he hated girls that would do anything for him. He loved how Kimberly had her own mind, how she knew what she wanted and went for it. Unfortunately what she wanted wasn’t him and he knew there was no way of getting her back. So because his depression went into overdrive he was compelled by seeing those girls that he hated most…he knew if he was drunk enough and fucking another girl all he would care about was the sex. Kimberly wouldn’t enter his mind…not until the next morning and then he’d feel worse than scum, but he’d deal with that when it came to it.
AJ looked up at the clock and saw it was hitting seven. He'd probably make it to Nick's around quarter of nine. As he stepped in the shower, he could feel the guilt start to eat him once again. He pressed his head against the wall of the shower as the water beat down on his back. The way Nick was acting wasn't the same as he used to be. Nick isn't fun anymore, all he cared about was getting fucked up. He didn't even care what girl he got with, just as long as it was someone. He was in pure pain and everyone could see it. AJ was starting to get worried about his friend. He was drinking far too much lately, even more than him. Kevin talked to him earlier in the day and told him about his fears about Nick. At first AJ thought he was just being overprotective, but slowly he was seeing it too.
Nick was slowly trying to kill himself.
