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Chapter Thirty Six – Ain’t No Party Like a Backstreet Party...aka My Next to Last Night as a Bachelor (as told by Nick)

There’s nothing like having a screaming match with your mom to kick off a celebration. By the time Brian and the guys pulled up to the house, I was hanging out of the house cussing like a sailor. Mom was standing her ground, throwing it right back at me.

And it had all started over tomatoes.

Yes, tomatoes. I had opened the refrigerator to get mom a drink and she saw a couple tomatoes that we had in the crisper.

“Aaron loved tomatoes,” mom had said.

“A lot of people like tomatoes,” I said tensely.

“Well, it’s too bad that he developed bad habits that you introduced him to. That’s what’s gotten him into trouble.”

That’s honestly all it took. I said something back and she trumped that with another ridiculous comment. After awhile the subject changed to Brooklyn and how ‘irresponsible’ I was to have a baby so quickly with Liv. She then began to elaborate on how Liv was only marrying me for my money.

At that point I kicked her out of the house. I don’t remember kicking her out of the house, but sometimes in blind rage I do things that I regret.

But, funny enough, I don’t regret kicking mom out of the house.

So, with Brian trying to act as meditator (or is it mediator?), I got Brooklyn into her car seat, locked the house and got into the limo. Brian slid into the car a few minutes later. He looked wounded.

“She called me names,” he said. He looked over at AJ. “I’m not going bald am I?”

AJ smirked. “I’m not one to ask.”

A silence fell over the entire limo. I felt six pairs of eyes focus on Brooklyn.

“She wasn’t part of the plan,” Brian said uncertainly.

“Well, what was first on the agenda?” I asked.

“Food.”

“So? Babies are allowed in food establishments.”

Brian shifted uncomfortably. “I guess so…”

And that’s how we ended up at Hooters. Before we entered, AJ gave me a green t-shirt that said Game Over spelled out in a Nintendo-like font. A sad looking groom and a happy bride were boxed in above the words. I slipped off my old t-shirt and pulled it on over my head. I grinned.

“You look way too happy to be the sad groom,” AJ pointed out with a black tipped nail. I laughed.

The restaurant was crowded when we walked in. Everywhere I looked there were fake spray tanned legs and orange booty shorts.

Now here’s the thing about Hooters. The girls on the calendar are hot. I can’t lie. They are. The girls that work in the actual restaurants? Ehhhh, not so much.

It was kind of funny to see Brian in Hooters. I knew he was trying to live up to his duties as best man, but he was uncomfortable. The happily married man in him didn’t want to make eye contact with our waitress (according to our little drink napkin, her name was Tammy), but the primal man in him seemed to be causing his eyes to drift from chest to chest. It was actually entertaining.

I set Brooklyn’s carrier on a seat next to mine. She seemed perfectly at ease. I had brought along a teething ring that she was gnawing on happily. I feared she was growing giant fangs with the way she was chewing on the thing.

“Oh she’s so cute! Is she your little girl?”

I looked up into Tammy’s orangey face. Her hair was only a few shades lighter than her skin. I imagined Liv in the Hooters uniform and smiled. That image was much better. Then I realized that it looked like I was staring at Tammy. I shook my head slightly and smiled.

“Yup, she’s mine.”

“Absolutely adorable. What can I get you guys to drink?”

AJ and Kevin immediately ordered sodas. Howie ordered some girly sounding mixed drink. Brian opted for a beer.

Also along for the ride were my two other groomsmen, Andrew and Matt. They were great guys and really good friends. The only downside was that they were also bad influences on me.

“Up Brian’s order to a pitcher and bring us four glasses,” Andrew said. He motioned between Matt and him and then pointed my way. I shook my head.

“I’m not drinking,” I said. Matt grinned.

“He’s the man of the evening,” he mentioned to Tammy. She smiled.

“Oh is this a bachelor party?”

Tammy seemed a little slow on the uptake.

“Yeah,” I said. “But, I don’t…”

“Four glasses and a special shot for the groom,” she said happily. She made a show of turning around and sashaying off.

Andrew turned his head to watch her walk. He let out a low whistle.

“Guys, I’m not drinking tonight,” I repeated. I glanced over at Kevin.

Now here’s another thing. Even though I’m thirty one years old, I still look up to Kev. I was waiting for him to begin a lecture. I met his eyes and he shrugged.

“That’s up to you. Do you think you can handle it without consequence?”

I thought about it. When I drank, I drank. I’m the type of person that doesn’t just dip their toe in the water. I jump and then worry about whether or not I can swim. I also find that once I hit the water I can’t stop swimming even if I want to.

But then again, this night was different. I had six guys around to stop me from doing anything asinine. It didn’t seem right not to have a drink on my next to last day as a married man. I smiled and clapped my hands.

“Bring it on!”

Andrew and Matt slapped me on the back. Brian had a look on his face like ‘oh shit, what the hell did I get myself into?’

I stood up and picked up my cellphone.

“Bri can you get keep an eye on Brooke? I want to call Liv’s mom and see if she can babysit.”

I headed outside and leaned against the giant “O” in Hooters that was screwed into the wall. Liv’s mom answered on the second ring. I wished I could have had a mom just like her. I explained the situation to her.

“I’ll meet you at Hooters and pick her up after the movies over. Say, a half hour?”

I smiled. “Perfect. Thanks mom.”

“Anytime, sweetie.”

Before I could step back inside, Liv called. She sounded like she was about ready to pass out from fear. She had called the house and Jane hadn’t answered. After blurting out that I had our daughter at Hooters and teasing her about my wand, Brian saved the day by yanking the phone out of my hand and ending the call. We walked inside together. I had a good feeling about the evening and an even better feeling about the future.

I had never loved anyone more in my entire life than I loved Livvy.

“Here’s your shot Nicky!” Andrew said. He lifted a small glass of amber liquid in the air. Just like old times, I took it and downed it without a thought.

The liquor burned my throat on the way down. I winced and shook my head, the aftertaste practically numbing my tongue. Matt laughed. I smiled sheepishly. Matt filled my ice cold mug from the pitcher of beer. Brian handed me a menu.

“I dare you to eat twelve 911 wings,” AJ said. I glanced over at him.

“What if I do?”

“Then you’ll get rewarded at our next stop.”

“How do I know it will be a good reward?”

AJ grinned.

“Trust me.”

Ha. That was easier said than done. This was the guy who stole all my pants during the Millennium tour and I had to walk down the hall in my underwear. I was attacked by three girls hiding in a potted plant. I was covered in lipstick by the time AJ came to rescue me. Then he expected me to thank him!

“You fellas ready to order?”

I looked up at Tammy. “Twelve 911 wings.”

Her eyes lit up. “Ooh, that’s risky.”

She wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. I had a sneaking suspicion I’d be spending half of my bachelor party on the toilet. I took a sip of beer for courage.

“So what time’s the rehearsal tomorrow?” Kevin asked.

“Four.”

“Baylee’s excited about his tux,” Brian said. “He thinks he’s a pimp.”

I tapped Brian’s mug with my own. “Hey he’s one fifth of the future Backstreet Boys. He is a pimp.”

“Well we’re only at three fifths now,” Howie said. “What’s taking so long AJ?”

I saw his face tighten up. For one split second he looked over at the beer pitcher.

“Give the man a break. He just got married less than a year ago.”

“Yeah, well you’re not even married. But you went and got a girl,” Howie teased.

I smiled and looked at Brooke. She was fixated on the giant Hooters owl hung over our table.

“Hey, we should get her a tiny little Hooters shirt!” Andrew said.

“No way in hell,” I said. “My daughters not ever going to be a Hooters girl.”

We somehow got into a lengthy discussion of what makes a girl a Hooters girl.

“She’s got to be really desperate,” I said.

Unfortunately for me, Tammy had just come up with the first plates of food. Mine wasn’t in that batch. I was pretty sure by the time she set the plate in front of me that she had hocked a loogie into my 911-sauce.

“What are you waiting for?” AJ said. “Dig in.”

“I think she might have spit into it,” I explained. AJ rolled his eyes.

“A bet’s a bet. Dig in.”

If you’ve never had 911-sauce, let me tell you know that it’s hot. It’s burn a hole in your rectum hot. The ranch dressing I got with my meal did nothing to quench my thirst. I think I went through four mugs of beer. Large tears rolled down my face.

“He’s going to regret this in the morning,” I heard Kevin whisper to AJ. I didn’t know whether he meant the beers or the wings. Or maybe he meant both.

Finally I couldn't take it any more. With two wings left I admitted defeat. No special reward was worth the pain I was enduring. It took three wet wipes to get the sauce of my fingers. My stomach felt like a volcano. And to tell you the truth, my vision was a little blurry. It had been a long time since I drank.

Brooklyn began to cry right around the time Matt emptied the last of the beer into my mug. I fumbled through the diaper bag and got a bottle of formula. My fingers felt three times as large as they normally did. Howie took the bottle from my hand.

“I got it,” he said lightly. I wondered if he thought I’d miss the target if I attempted to get the bottle to Brooklyn’s mouth.

He was probably right.

By the time that I had drained the beer and Brooklyn had finished her bottle, Liv’s mom walked through the door. She looked highly out of place. I waved clumsily until she saw me. She wove her way around three blonde waitresses and made her way to the table.

“Hey guys,” she said. Everyone chorused a ‘hi.’

“You okay?” she asked me. I nodded.

“Of course!” I said. “I’m perfect!”

I saw her look at the mess on the table.

“It looks like you guys are off to a good start,” she said lightly.

Brian smiled. “Yeah. Let’s hope it ends well.”

“Thank you for coming mom!”

She leaned down and kissed my cheek.

“Don’t drink too much okay hun?”

I nodded. I tried to look serious but somehow the smile wouldn’t leave my face.

“Will do!”

Liv’s mom picked up Brooklyn’s car seat. I stood up and swayed for a moment. Then I hunched over the carrier.

“Bye sweetheart!” I said. I kissed Brooklyn’s forehead. I stood for a second and then sat back down…

Unfortunately I missed the chair completely.

-----------------------------------------------

An hour later I was suited up in a jumpsuit, paintball gun in hand. In hindsight, it wasn’t Brian’s best idea. I was pretty sure he was at least a little tipsy. I’m pretty sure Kevin, AJ, and Howie were absolutely sober. But anyhow, letting Andrew, Matt, and me have paintball guns was a dumb move. On the limo ride over, Matt kept passing me a metal flask. I have no idea what was in it, but let me tell you I wasn’t feeling any pain from those 911 wings. I wasn’t feeling much of anything.

“Okay, let’s split into teams,” Kevin said. He was all business. It was like he was born to hunt. He was already on alert and we hadn’t even started yet.

“Kev and I will be on a team,” Howie said.

“Matt and I,” Andrew said, slapping Matt’s back and stumbling. “We’re a team. Right man?”

“Right!” Matt said, pointing the gun at Andrew. It went off and Andrew was suddenly covered in a bright blue blob of paint. He looked down astonished.

“I’m out,” he said. “You shot your own man.”

“Annnnyhow,” Brian said. “AJ why don’t you pair with Matt? Nick and I will be on a team.”

AJ looked like he was going to kill Brian. I can’t say that I could blame him. Matt just shot his own teammate for pete’s sake. Brian just grinned and slapped his arm around me good naturedly. I leaned into him and pointed to my shirt.

“Game over, bitches.”

We all split off and entered the paintball arena at different sections. The room was dark. I was already disoriented from the booze and the layout of the place was making it worse. While I stood there dumbly, Brian suddenly became Tom Cruise from Mission Impossible. He was slithering on the floor like he was going to steal the Hope Diamond.

“Get down!” he hissed. I dropped to my knees clumsily.

Somewhere along the way, Brian and I got separated. I looked over my shoulder, making sure that no one was sneaking up on me. From the other side of the room I heard some loud shouting. Someone was out.

Time didn’t seem to exist. Usually I’m uber competitive, but I was beginning to regret beers two through five. I felt like a slug.

“Psst!”

I looked left. All clear. I looked right and about crapped my pants. Matt was sitting there cross legged smelling like pot. He grinned and handed me the flask.

“You look like you need this.”

Unfortunately he scared me so much that I had to agree. I tipped the flask and emptied the contents. Another shot rang out.

“How long have you been sitting here?” I whispered. He shrugged.

“Dunno. I got hit like an hour ago.”

He rolled over and I saw a bright red splotch on his back.

“Why didn’t you leave the game?”

“Because, this spot was just so comfy.”

His eyes closed and I knew he was in some type of mushroom-inhibited world. I crouched down and turned the corner.

AJ was about ten yards in front of me. He was crouched down and seemed to be anticipating someone coming from the opposite direction. Trying not to giggle, I fumbled with my gun. My finger slipped over the trigger and I let it go.

In all honesty, I was aiming for AJ’s back. I was off. Way off. Like a man being torn apart by a bear, AJ grabbed his ass and pretty much leaped into the air screaming.

I fell into a heap, laughing hysterically. That was a big mistake. By the time I opened my eyes, Commando Kevin was practically nose to nose with me and the gun went right off, paint spreading across my chest quickly. I was out.

It doesn’t take a genius to guess that Kevin won the whole thing. Brian came in second. I have no friggin clue where I placed; I just knew I wasn’t the first to go. It took everyone awhile to find Matt. Andrew had gone to the bar next door and he was completely smashed. Whatever I had emptied out of the flask had done me in. There seemed to be three Brian’s in front of me when he told me it was time to go.

“Where we’s going?” I asked in a slur. I was sitting on the bench, my jumpsuit still around my ankles. My feet felt too heavy to lift them to get the whole suit off.

“I think we’re taking you home.”

I shook my head. “No! The night’s still…the night’s still young.”

“No it’s not,” Howie said. He had yellow paint in his hair. “AJ’s claiming his ass is broken and your buddies are pushing into the boundaries of illegal territory. Plus Liv is going to kill us. You’re smashed.”

Brian put his hand around my arm. I punched him in the gut.

I meant to do it playfully, but people have told me before that I get really pissy when I’m drunk. Brian doubled over, his arms wrapped around his stomach.

Suddenly a shadow loomed over me. A strong arm yanked me up. I staggered a little bit as my feet got caught up in the suit.

“We’re taking you home,” Kevin’s deep serious voice said. Before I could respond I heard police sirens outside.

“What the…?” Kevin said. He let go of my arm and left me inside. I kicked off the rest of the jumpsuit and rolled onto the ground beside Brian. He glared at me; I smiled.

“I’m sorrrryyyy,” I said. Brian smashed his palm into my forehead.

“You’re stupid when you’re drunk,” Brian said. I sniffed the air noisily.

“Hey, you’re stupid! It’s because of all the bears.”

“Bears?”

“What?”

“You said bears!”

“Heh heh. I meant beers.”

“Get up.”

Brian and I both looked up. Kevin was hovering back over us. Again.

“Let’s get you guys home.”

I leaned on Kevin as we headed back outside into the night. I winced at the bright flashing police lights.

“What’s going on?” I said in a pseudo-whisper.

“You’re buddy Andrew was caught pissing on a fire hydrant,” Kevin said. I tugged out of his grasp.

“Let’s go help him!”

Kevin yanked me back towards the car.

“No. We’re taking you back to the hotel to sober up. Then we’re dropping you off at home. Liv’s going to have to deal with you in the morning.”

“Is she gonna be mad?” I said. Kevin sighed.

“I don’t know. All I can say is good luck. Women can be scary.”

“Liv’s not hairy!” I said.

“I said scary!” Kevin shouted.

At the moment the only thing scary was Kevin.

And beer.

I don’t think I like beer anymore.