When they returned that night, not much was said. The car ride had been silent, and long, similar to the one he’d had with AJ after telling him. He couldn’t really blame Howie, the man had always been considered to be “the quiet one” on normal days, without any help. Nick knew it was nothing personal in this case. It wasn’t denial, and it wasn’t anger. Howie simply needed time to really take it in, to really absorb the situation before he could begin to truly handle it.
The car sped down the highway, rain pitter-pattering against the windows. Nick smirked, thinking of a solo song AJ had done five years prior. He sighed as he sang softly, almost inaudibly.
“Now I miss the sun, but as long as I’m with you… it’s just another rainy day in London…”
He stayed within his own musings, dreaming up ways to escape the reality he was trapped in. He thought of the way he’d come to be, as well as the way he’d never be. Nick reflected on the fans, wondered how he’d tell them. And when. They did deserve to know, they’d been so loyal over the years, and the group had always been open with them. Almost to a fault, in fact.
“So what’s your plan?” Howie asked, jerking him forcibly out of his reverie.
He turned back towards him, watching him instead of the rainy streets of London. “What do you mean?”
“I mean when you…”
Nick quirked a brow. “Become an invalid, empty-headed, a blank slate, become the literal version of a what-cha-ma-call-it…oh! Tabula rasa?”
He could feel Howie’s stare as he once again stared out the window. They came up to the five star hotel they were staying at that night. It felt good not to be sleeping in a tour bus for once. A mob of fans were waiting, and Nick immediately was thrown back in time, where he’d only been a teenager thrust into the hot lights of fame. Now, the mob was a bit smaller, but still just as hyped up as they’d been back then. Security was making their way through the crowds, and as they did, Nick looked back over at Howie as he cut the engine.
“Too harsh?”
He watched his friend sigh sadly. “A bit.”
“Sorry, I’ve gotten used to it. And I gotta be all cynical while I can ya know?”
“So…your plan? You never answered.”
Nick shrugged as he stepped out of the car. “Don’t have one yet.”
He let himself get swallowed by the mob as security led him through. He smiled at all the attention, hugged fans as he passed. Nick couldn’t keep the grin off his face, despite the situation, and despite what he’d just told Howie. Sometimes, just knowing so many people loved you, loved your music, and was able to lift Nick on such a high.
I wonder if I’ll be able to miss it when my mind’s gone.
Right then, he supposed it didn’t matter, did it? He could see Howie laugh at him as he took a fan’s fedora and placed it on his head backwards, posting for a picture happily with a group of girls.
“Nick, what’s with the pink hair? We’ve been wondering.” A fan asked.
“Hey didn’t y’all know? Pink’s the new blonde!”
He had to live in the moment, whenever he could.
****
A couple nights later, Nick was looking over the promotional shots for his album. He’d been scheduling them with Jenn around the tour dates and now that the final song had been recorded, he needed to start picking what he wanted. Songs, photos, everything. None of the pictures were making him happy enough to actually use for the album booklet. He flipped through some photos, smiling as he settled on one he took at the beach just before he got diagnosed.
“Maybe I should just take myself out of it…” It was a beautiful shot, footprints he’d made going along the beach being taken over by the waves as they crashed against the shore. The sun had begun to set, casting a lovely hue upon the water. He’d been at the end, staring off into the ocean. The idea of using it without showing himself struck him as fitting.
Nick set it aside.
He pondered what Howie had been getting at the other day. He did need a plan. As much as it hurt, Nick knew that beyond Angel, his family would be the type to take advantage of his state once it got further along and use that to get whatever they wanted. Nick, not knowing better by then, would do it too. The whole thought hurt more than he’d ever say, but the fact was, it was truth at its barest form. He also knew the boys would try and figure out a plan for Nick and then come to him with it, that that was why they’d left him alone mostly since he told Howie. He loved them for it, but he needed to figure it all out on his own.
Before the tears could even think of coming, he grabbed his laptop. The producers were supposed to start sending the final mixes his way so he could start sorting through them and pick what he wanted. He’d send it then to the A&R rep for approval, and run it by Jenn as well. There was supposed to be a meeting about his plans for the album and finalizations within the next couple weeks. It meant Nick needed to have everything laid out by then. He’d have to talk to Brian about his plans for a nonprofit by the end of the week, see if he couldn’t make it happen.
He checked his email and smiled, there they were, waiting for him they way they were supposed to be. All except for the track he’d recorded today of course, and to be honest, Nick already knew he was going to keep it. It was one of the most brutally honest songs he’d ever sang or written. If he was going to lay it all out there, now was the time.
He screened through the titles waiting for him once he saved them onto his computer. He’d be sure to send a copy of what didn’t make it to one of the fellas. They could maybe release them years from now, a final gift to the fans who loved him so. He never understood fully why, but he loved their love all the same. His attention returned back to the song files before him.
I Did It For You
Can You Feel Me?
Scream
Forgive Me
Don’t Wanna Leave Today
Faded
Thrill Ride
Letting Go
Shadow Lane
Breathe You In
Crazy
Story Of My Life
Sunrise, Sunset
Fine Line (Between Love and Hate)
Family Reunion
Living Free
Never Gonna Be
Forget Me Not
He clicked on “Forget Me Not”, a song he figured he’d keep from the beginning. Still, it was another song that had been him, stripped down completely. Even the production kept everything simple. Nick had wanted his voice, an acoustic guitar, and that was it. Simple, emotional, and bare. What it left was a song that haunted him, and would show the world what he’d been hiding. The song began to play.
I know it’s not fair
I know it’s not right
To abandon the world
With no reason why
Just know when I’m gone,
When I think back to us,
I know the tears will come.
Memories will fade with time
But the pain never stops
Will you be able to think of me
And all we’ve been through
Will you keep me in your heart…
Even if I won’t do it for you?
When I leave this life behind
And I go this whole new way
Will you remember me some day
And forget me not…
Forget me not…
After it’s all said and done…
And I’ve gone so far away…
Can you keep me in your heart
And forget me not…
Forget me not
A knock on the door interrupted him, causing him to stop playing the song. He climbed up off the bed and headed to the door. There, waiting, was AJ. He stepped back, opening the door a bit more trying to hide his own surprise. AJ was staring more at the floor, rubbing the top of his bald head self consciously.
“What’s up?”
AJ shrugged. “I was talking to Howie, and I don’t know man… I thought I’d…”
Nick nodded. “Come on in dude, I’m just trying to figure out shit for the solo record.”
The two sat on the bed, and AJ leaned over to look at the laptop. “I didn’t know you were this far along man, damn.”
“Yeah, I feel like I’m rushing a bit. But I…” he trailed off. With AJ, he knew he had to be careful. He was still so touchy about even the mention of Nick’s condition; with his denial going full speed ahead. It stung every time AJ was around him. Their relationship had always been a bit of a strange one, but he valued it highly. It was like they were two halves of the same coin, both affected by the same problems, each coming out differently because of it. Even though he’d always been closest to Brian, sometimes it was like AJ understood him better. At a time he needed so badly to be understood, it hurt having AJ reject him the way he had been.
“So you’re trying to pick songs?”
“Yeah, I’ve got a few, but the rest… I don’t know yet.” The two sat in an awkward silence, so much unsaid that needed to be uttered, but both were two afraid to do so.
“Hey Nick?”
“Yeah Aje?”
“Dude, I’m…”
Nick smiled, he knew what he was about to say. Suddenly, he realized he didn’t need to hear it. He knew AJ was feeling bad about trying to deny what happened. He knew AJ hadn’t meant to hurt him; it was just that he was trying to avoid the pain himself. AJ was so much like an ostrich sometimes. That very fact was what had led AJ into alcohol, into the drugs, and all the other self destructive behaviors he’d been forced to battle over the years. It’d been what made him fight the idea of Kevin leaving the group. It wasn’t that AJ didn’t care; it was that he cared too much.
“It’s okay.”
“No, really…” the self proclaimed rebel shook his head, his dark brown eyes so expressive with the pain they held within.
“I mean it, we’re okay. Really.”
A moment of silence held between the two, neither knew just what to say. Then, AJ’s eyes brightened as he smiled. “So, you gotta let me hear what you came up with!”
“Alright, some of it’s a bit of a downer, because I decided to get hella truthful with it.”
“It’s about damn time. I’m tired of being the only emo one in the group.”
Nick laughed, clicking on a song to play. Things weren’t going to be okay. He’d known that since the beginning. The idea of being okay had been left behind him at the beginning. Still, they were going to cope. It was all they could do.
