I should’ve seen this coming, was his immediate thought.
How he could have, he had no idea. But, he felt he should have all the same. He didn’t know what to say, seeing Kevin standing there. He looked as calm as ever given that he was there to presumably lecture Nick in a random Japanese hotel. He stepped back to let Kevin in. Neither said anything yet, the silence was thick in the air between them. Kevin raised a brow as he took in the fragments that still remained in the window frame, and the many that still littered the floor. A glanced at Nick was only met with a nonchalant shrug. So much was said without any words at all.
Nick flopped back on his bed, while Kevin remained standing. He stared up at him, remembering when that used to always be the case. He started to smile, despite the anger that still managed to fuel him. His eyes locked with Kevin’s normally stoic green eyes. Now they churned with storm clouds of concern. Nick ignored the stabbing flashes of guilt that appeared, breaking the stare down and shifting his eyes away.
“Do I want to know?”
Nick shrugged, lifting his head up defiantly. “What are you doing here?”
“I told you that I’d be in Japan around the same time you were, I’m performing “Rent” here for the next few nights.” Kevin finally sat on the bed, his hand resting on Nick’s knee. “So how are you?”
He rolled his eyes. “How do you think?”
Kevin sighed. “I know this can’t be easy for you…”
Massive fucking understatement Kev, he added mentally. It was far from easy, even far from difficult. As much as the others tried to understand, Nick knew a truth they did not. They couldn’t understand. They couldn’t even begin. That simple fact is what frustrated him so much. They would never know, they could never see what it was like for him. All they could do was muster weak attempts that almost mocked what he was trying to cope with. In the end, he didn’t know how to tell them that though. So, instead, he lashed out. Instead, he attacked those who wanted to help him.
It was unfair, but so was everything else in his life.
“Nick?”
“I heard you; I just don’t have anything to say.”
“Come on, talk to me.”
“Why? Why bother? I mean I can’t see a point. I’ll just forget this shit anyways.”
“Because it’ll help Nick.”
“Nothing will help. Nothing will fix this! God, can’t you see that! I may as well just kill myself now and save us all the fucking headache of dealing!” He screamed, feeling oddly relieved. It was the first time he actually voiced his suicidal ideations, and he waited for a reaction.
Kevin grabbed his arm, pulling him to sit up beside him. Nick didn’t fight it. He just went with it. Kevin always had that effect upon him. Actually, he had that effect on all of them. There was just something about him that got obedience out of all of them. Even if he hadn’t been the oldest of the group, Nick felt he still would’ve been the father figure or “big brother” just the same. It was simply how Kevin was.
And Nick loved that about him.
Normally, there would’ve been words. Some saying or quote Kevin could randomly pull out of his brain to help fix whatever was wrong. Nick had no idea where Kevin got those sort of things, he usually pictured some filing cabinet in his brain labeled: “Quotes to Pull Out of My Ass” where he kept them, carefully labeled for any occasion. The odd thing was, no matter how corny or annoying they were, they actually did help. But what scared Nick, was that this time, it seemed Kevin had no magic words. No advice was given. For the first time in Nick’s life, it seemed he finally found a problem to stump even Kevin.
This time, Kevin simply hugged him. There had been a lot of hugs, Nick noticed, since he’d been diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s. Lots of emotions in all of them. But this one, this one went beyond the others. As Nick’s arms wrapped around Kevin, he suddenly felt the older man shake. He shook from withheld emotion finally coming out in one final burst. He held him, completely unsure of what to do. A wetness seeped into the shoulder of his shirt, and Nick almost froze with shock.
For the first time, Nick saw Kevin cry.
The elder man pulled away after a moment or two, discreetly wiping his eyes. He suddenly looked so worn, lost, and tired. The man who always looked younger than his years seemed to have aged a decade within mere minutes. Nick simply stared. He had no idea how to react or what to do. Kevin was supposed to be the strong one in all this, the one who helped. He had no idea how to handle a Kevin that was as broken down as he was.
It felt scarier than the disease itself.
“K-Kev?” He stuttered, feeling like that thirteen year old once again, who used to be afraid of Kevin when they first became a group.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”
“It’s okay.” This can’t get any weirder.
“I just wish I had the answer for you. I always do, I always did. And this time, I see you, and I can’t do a thing about it. Brian told me what happened earlier, how you can’t remember the past two weeks…and, that scared the hell out of me little man. I know I’m the first you told, but that, that made it real.”
Despite the situation, Nick felt his lips curve up into a smirk. “Welcome to my world.”
Kevin chuckled and the world seemed to right itself again, as Kevin’s arm wrapped around Nick’s waist. He rest his head against his shoulder. There were countless pictures of the two of them like that over the years. Their relationship had always been something special, once Kevin had gotten used to Nick, anyway. In the beginning, there’d been a lot of trouble because a far younger, far shorter, and far more hyper Nick managed to get on his nerves rather easily. He could almost hear himself back then, trying to be twenty-one year old Kevin’s shadow.
Nick laughed at the thought. Kevin glanced down at him, looking a bit startled at hearing him laugh for what looked to be no reason after five minutes of complete silence between the two. Nick smiled up at him.
“What?”
“You remember when you first met me?”
Kevin almost snorted with laughter. “Oh god, yeah I do. You drove me crazy.”
“You loved it, just admit it.”
“Loved it? I couldn’t go anywhere without you trying to follow me!” He chuckled. “Keeeeeeev, wait for me!” Kevin whined, sounding remarkably like Nick used to back in the day.
Nick grinned even wider. “Trying to follow you, I was like your shadow. I thought you were just so cool. It drove me crazy thinking you hated me.”
“I didn’t hate you.”
“Go back in time and tell pipsqueak me that. I so thought you hated me. Anytime I tried to hang out with you, you acted like you hated me!”
“You wouldn’t leave me alone!”
“Man I wanted to be you…”
“Until you met Brian.”
“Sorry man, you couldn’t match up to your cousin. Plus, ya know, he didn’t hate me. Part of me still wanted to be just like you.”
Kevin beamed, looking like a proud father just then. “I already said this, I didn’t hate you…” A pause followed. “And now?”
“Now? Hell, nothing’s changed. I still wanna to be like you. Only difference is that now, now I know I never will be.”
The room grew silent again; Kevin had a strange expression on his face. It was a mix of pride and pity that Nick hated seeing on him. He wondered if the other guys were having a meeting about him right now. Maybe they were, it seemed to follow the line of thinking the group would do. He couldn’t blame them. As strong as he was fighting to be, it was all going to fall apart soon enough. It was already starting to, but he wasn’t going to admit that just yet. He couldn’t. He had to last long enough to record the video for his solo album, and survive a few interviews. Then, after everything was arranged, after everything was settled, he’d give in. Knowing that, however, didn’t help. Nick was a fighter, he always had been. The idea of giving in just hurt so much, caused so much frustration.
“Have you…arranged everything?” Kevin asked, changing the subject much to Nick’s appreciation.
“Sort of. Howie and Brian are coming with me after the tour to meet up with my lawyer and Angel, set up a living will for after I get all Incombobulated-”
A chuckle came as Kevin shook his head. “Incapacitated Nick…”
“Yeah, that…”
“Go on.”
“Well they’ll help me get that set up before I’m completely gone so that, well…you know how my family is. Or the people who call themselves that.” Nick sighed. “You guys are my family, you know that right?”
“Maybe they’ll finally realize what they missed out on.”
Nick shrugged. “Doesn’t matter now anyway.”
“What about your charity, weren’t you saying back in New York you might do something like that?” Kevin questioned. He was once again switching topics, always having been able to sense when to do so because of Nick’s sensitivity over the cruel way his family has treated him with the exception of his youngest sister.
“I’ve got my nonprofit going though. Bri’s helping me.”
“What are you going to do with it?”
Nick’s eyes lit up. “It’s called Living-Free. With all the oil companies doing all that idiotic damage to the ocean, I set this up as an organization to help protect it and the animals of the ocean.”
“Sort of like the one you set up with me.”
“Yep. I love the ocean, and if I get reincarnated, if that shit happens when you die…I wanna be a dolphin. Dolphins don’t have families as fucked up as mine or other dolphins out to use them…they just get to live free, and be happy. I think I’d like that.”
“Somehow, that suits you.”
“I think so too.” Nick smiled, thinking about it. He knew Brian wasn’t one to believe in the idea, but Nick had been around the world enough times, and had heard about all the different religions. He had no idea how true any of it was, but who did? But he really always liked the idea of reincarnation. That idea of being born anew and getting that new chance at life. He didn’t care if he was human in that next life, and in fact didn’t want to be. All he wanted was to be happy and free, two things he felt he never really had the chance to be in the life he was living now. And perhaps the Alzheimer’s would give him that, but he wouldn’t know it anyway, so he didn’t feel that counted. But he’d always wanted to be a dolphin, ever since he was a little kid. Being able to be so playful, to live in the ocean, and to be free of all the pain people had caused him over the years. He snickered as a new idea came to him. “Dude I just thought of that South Park episode, where the guy wants to be a dolphin….”
“You’re incredibly random you know.”
“It’s why you love me Kevvy; it’s why you love me.”
“I think we should go talk to the others, they were pretty worried about you.”
Nick stretched a bit, standing. “They better get used to that.” He replied bluntly. “This isn’t gonna get any damn easier.”
“We all know that.” Kevin said as he rose from the bed. “But apologizing wouldn’t hurt you know.”
Nick followed Kevin out of the room. “Hey Kevin…”
“What?”
“Why do you always have to be right?”
The two left the room, a chorus of laughter covering the pain that nestled deep within their hearts.
