A Blue Christmas without You
After Max left, we all sat in silence in our new little living room staring at the twinkling lights of our Christmas tree. Once again Kevin made sure to block the entrance to the balcony but he left the blinds open so we were able to watch the snow as it fell from the sky. It really did look beautiful and like Christmas. I wish it felt like it though. I didn’t have that warm and fuzzy feeling you should get when you know that Christmas is only a day away. I don’t think any of us did and I felt horrible for that.
“I just wanted to say I’m sorry I ruined your Christmases”
They all looked over at me, “It’s not your fault Frack. You didn’t ruin anything and besides, who said our Christmas would be ruined? I plan on having a great one myself!”
Brian has always had the most positive attitude of any of us in this band. No matter what the situation, he could always find something good in it. I wish I had that in me.
“What are we going to do that’s so special Rok?”
Brian walked over to AJ and sat on his lap. “First we’re going to get up nice and early and open all our presents! And then we’ll eat a huge breakfast that will be on Lou!”
“I don’t know if I want to eat anything on Lou! He’s so rotund it would probably fall right off of him and onto the floor!” Wow…Howie made a funny!
“Good one D!” Kevin said, applauding him.
Howie winked, of course.
“After we eat our breakfast, we will then have a movie marathon of some kind, any ideas guys?”
“I think Indiana Jones would be kick ass!” AJ said.
“I like Star Wars myself!” I added.
Brian then looked over at Howie and Kevin, “Gentleman?”
“Either of those works for me.” Kevin added. I could tell he was a Scrooge McDuck like me.
“Howard?”
“I don’t really know either all that well.”
“Maybe something funny would be better like a Monty Python Marathon?” I suggested suddenly thinking maybe a good laugh would be in order. I know I had at least two Python movies with me. The Holy Grail and Life of Brian were two of my dad’s favorites.
“We’ll figure that out later I guess! Maybe over dinner, speaking of which, I say we order something really bad for us tonight and NO PIZZA!” Brian said looking at AJ who was still underneath him and about to say pizza.
“Chinese!” Howie shouted for some reason which made us all laugh.
“Wow, okay Chinese it is then, although that doesn’t really strike me as a Christmas Eve type thing.”
“What does?”
“We usually have seafood on Christmas Eve.” AJ answered.
“We could always order room service. I know we do have a special meal coming for Christmas but I’m not supposed to tell you what it is!” Brian said coyly.
“As long as you’re not the one cooking it, I’m sure whatever it is will be fantastic!” Kevin said rolling his eyes at his cousin and smiling over at me.
Taking a cue from his cousin, Brian glanced over my way and decided I wasn’t happy enough so he moved off of AJ and on to my lap. “Starting right now, we’re going to stop thinking about all of the drama and horrible things happening and we are going to just try our best to have a good few days with each other, okay buddy? I know it’s going to be hardest for you to do and we all understand but know we are all here for you and love you very much.”
I smiled at him. That was such a nice thing to say. I really wanted to have a great time and forget everything. I just couldn’t see myself being able to. Max was pretty sure my father was dead. He didn’t have to come right out and say it, but it was there. I think they all were thinking the same thing. How could I enjoy myself with the knowledge that I was an orphan?
Wow, I was really going to be an orphan. I had no one in my life anymore. The mother I had always known as my mother wasn’t even my real mother. My real mother died right in front of my eyes. No, she didn’t die. She was murdered! And I was there and worse yet, I can’t remember who did it or why it was done! And now my father just vanishes.
“Nick?” I looked up at Brian and once again pasted on a fake smile.
“It’ll be okay buddy.”
I nodded, but I couldn’t speak, there were no words for the emptiness I was feeling. I was alone. “I need to go to the bathroom.” I said as I tried to get up with Brian on me. He quickly moved out of my way and lovingly tapped my back as I walked over to the bathroom and uncharacteristically locked them all out.
I knew they knew I was in here having a meltdown, but they left me alone, thankfully. I took a few deep breaths and tried to convince myself that everything would be okay. Trying to channel my inner Brian and find something good coming out of all of this.
There was nothing there.
I found myself looking under the sink, wanting to crawl under there in a fetal position like I did when I was a kid all those years ago. Why was it that the bathroom gave me such solace? There had to be a reason. I even enjoyed hiding in the bathroom at our bed and breakfast. When there were too many people around and I was feeling overwhelmed, I’d go into the bathroom with my comic books and stay in there for hours.
Just thinking about the B & B, memories flashed back to my dad again.
My dad and I every Christmas Eve would have a routine at the Carter House. We’d all gather around our huge tree with glasses of eggnog and force everyone there to sing Christmas Carols with us. Most of the time, our guests were more than happy to belt out the tunes but occasionally we had one or two that would stand in the back and refuse to participate. My dad always made it a point to single them out and have them come up front. He would make me sing Deck the Halls with them as they were forced to fa la la.
That wasn’t my favorite part. The best part came afterwards when it was just him and me together in our little suite upstairs away from everyone else. He’d let me stay awake as long as I could and together we’d watch The Three Stooges and The Honeymooners and some other really old shows. I was never able to make it past 1 or 2 in the morning. I’m sure that’s when he would sneak out and put my presents under the tree.
Even when Mom or at least the woman I thought was my mother was alive, it was still something that only the two of us did.
Christmas day was usually spent with strangers, but they never felt like it because our house was always warm and inviting. My mother would do her best to make sure everyone felt like they were at a relative’s house and we would all sit at one gigantic table and eat as a family.
Family, something I don’t have anymore….
“Nicky?” Howie asked in a very soft voice, “I need to use the bathroom. Are you almost done in there?”
I glanced at my watch and noticed I had been sitting on the toilet seat for over an hour just entertained with my thoughts.
I opened the door, “Sorry D, I lost track of time.”
“It’s okay, are you okay?”
I shrugged at him and tried to smile but he knew it wasn’t genuine. He answered my shrug with a hug. “It’ll be okay, Nicky.”
When I walked out and back into the main room, the light conversation the guys were having came to a dramatic halt. “Hey buddy.” Kevin said as he motioned for me to sit next to him on the couch, “We were just about to order some dinner. I hope you’re hungry.”
I wasn’t really hungry at all but I decided even though my Christmas was going to be horrible, I refused to let theirs. They had already sacrificed so much for me. Heck, for all I know they could be in danger just knowing me and their families could even be at risk. They are probably going to end up hating and resenting me, wanting nothing to do with me and I couldn’t blame them. For now though, I’ll just smile and play like everything is cool. Kind of like the way I do when I’m not feeling well but can’t let management know I’m sick.
“Sure, I’m starved. What did we decide on?”
“Italian.” Howie said, looking and sounding defeated as he left the bathroom and rejoined us.
“I’ll have chicken parm I guess.” I said after glancing at the menu for a few minutes before passing it on to AJ.
We all placed our orders and Kevin made the call. “How you holding up? I didn’t mean to upset you.” Brian apologized taking Kevin’s place next to me on the couch.
“You didn’t upset me at all. I just needed to be alone. I’m much better.” I smiled at him but he saw right through me. They all can read me really well.
He placed his arm around me and just sat silently as we watched TV until our food came. We ate dinner around the table close to the balcony. It was still snowing. The weather forecast briefly mentioned talk of a possible blizzard but it wasn’t quite there yet. Most of our talk was generic. Sports, movies, TV, girls, but zero to little about family or anything else they thought might upset me. Once again I felt bad because the one thing I never had in common with these guys was the strong family bond they all shared. Even AJ, who had a small family like me, seemed to glow when he talked about home. Don’t get me wrong, you can tell I love my parents…loved them.
Anyway…We never really did much as a family. I have been a part of this group since I was 12 years old. That left me with them more than my mom and dad. Because of the nature of their business it was always hard for them to get away and then when mom died it was almost impossible for my dad to travel with me. So, my friend’s families became mine. Brian’s parents make it out as much as possible as does Howie’s. AJ’s mom is usually always with us. Kevin is older, so his mom doesn’t feel the need to follow him around, but she did fly down to England when we were there, just to surprise him. The big guy teared up. It was kind of funny.
Family is such a big part of them, “You know you can talk about your families if you want. I’m okay with that. I know you guys hate the fact that you’re not with them. I think this is the first Christmas that none of us have our families with us. Last year we got to be at home and before that usually at least one mom or dad was around.” I took a huge bite out of my chicken that was growing cold and smiled my fake, yippety skippety smile.
“We’re not avoiding talking about family.”
“Yeah you are Brian and I do appreciate it, but don’t do it. It’ll just make me feel worse.”
“I’m supposed to call my mom tonight. I was thinking of doing that now, if it’s okay with everyone?” Howie said, excusing himself from the table and heading to his bedroom.
“My mom wanted to come out but the weather prevented her from coming.” Kevin admitted, looking at me. “All things considered, she thought it would be nice if she was here with us this year. I’m kind of glad she couldn’t come. I’d be worried for her to be here and the last thing I want to do is make her worry more about us.”
I nodded at Kevin, forgetting for a minute that for now I was technically part of his family. I wonder what will happen with that. Would they actually have to end up adopting me or will they give me away to some foster home or something?
Slowly, everyone started to get up and move away from the table. Brian’s parents called him shortly after Howie left to make his call and then AJ’s mom called from the boat. I found myself standing next to the window, watching the snow fall to the ground. It looked like there were at least 4 or 5 inches by now. Some of the cars in the parking lot were slowly being buried.
“Hey.” I looked over at Kevin who handed me a glass of eggnog. “Don’t tell anyone, but I might have put some rum in there.” He winked at me.
“Giving liquor to a minor, wow Kev, you’re a real felon!” I joked and took a sip. It was strong, he wasn’t kidding.
“What’s Christmas Eve without some eggnog?”
“Yeah…” I said once again turning my attention to the snow and parking lot. A car was slowly making its way into a spot as another’s wheels were spinning to try to get out.
“It looks kind of nasty out there.” Kevin said, following my lead and looking at the lot. “Hey, I think that’s Max.”
I squinted to get a better look and sure enough it was him getting out of the car and trudging into the hotel. “So much for forgetting about everything…” Kevin muttered to himself as he left the window and walked over to the living area.
A few minutes later there was a knock on the door and Howie let Max in. “We have a problem.” He said just as Brian motioned for Kevin to come to the phone. Max gave him a nod to let him know he could leave to talk to his family. He waited until he was out of earshot of the call before continuing. “Your therapist was just found dead in her home.” He said looking over at me.
“Dead?” I asked, unbelieving.
He nodded, “I don’t know the details but I heard the address over the police scanner and recognized it as hers. She’s dead.”
I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t know how I was supposed to take any of this anymore. It was Brian who responded, and not in the way that I thought he would. “You couldn’t wait to tell us that until after Christmas? You had to come in and ruin what little chance we had at normalcy?”
Max looked his way, “This was important…”
“So is Christmas! You could have waited until Monday.”
“Look, I’m sorry but it’s something you had to know. If she was murdered, then that means they’re willing to kill to find your friend. Don’t you think that’s a problem?”
Brian looked over at me and then back to Max. “What do we do?”
“For now, nothing. The snow is working for us this time around. I think you’ll be safe, but just in case, I booked the room right next to yours. I’ll leave you alone tonight and tomorrow but Monday we have got to move. If anything strange or out of the ordinary happens tonight, you need to let me know!” Max then looked over at me and gave me the smallest hint of a smile, “Okay?” He asked.
I nodded, “Okay.”
“Good. Fill the Bible boy in on what I just said and again, I’m right next door.” He pointed to his left. “You can even knock on the wall and I’ll be right in.” Max then looked over to Brian, “I’m sorry I’m ruining your Christmas. You can get back to your celebrating now.”
And then he left.
When Kevin was done talking to his parents, we filled him in on what Max had said and he didn’t seem to know how to react anymore than I did. I felt bad for Jane, she seemed like a nice woman but at the same time, what if she was one of the bad guys? Should I still feel bad for her?
We stayed up a little while longer and tried to watch a little TV, but because we were all both physically and mentally exhausted, we decided to call it a night.
The dreams I had that followed were the most vivid and terrifying yet…
