When we got back to our hotel room, Cary said, “I’m gonna check out the bar downstairs. Text me when it’s safe to come back up?”
I looked at her in surprise, feeling my stomach bottom out, like when you go down a steep hill really fast. “You’re not gonna stay?” I’d taken it for granted that she would be there for support when I told the guys – to give me the courage to actually do it, first of all, and help me answer the questions I knew they’d have once I did.
But Cary shook her head and said, “No. I think this conversation needs to be just between you guys. I’m staying out of it.”
I sighed. She had a point. I was just being a chicken, afraid of facing their reactions by myself. “Alright… I’ll text you later, assuming I’m still alive. They might kill me when they find out how long I’ve been hiding this.”
She offered me a crooked smile. “If I don’t hear from you in a few hours, I’ll call the police.”
“Good plan.”
She put her hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze of encouragement. “Good luck,” she said, on her way out the door.
“Thanks,” I replied miserably. I closed the door behind her and sat down on the edge of the bed, fidgeting while I waited for the guys to show up.
One by one, they came: first Howie, then Brian, and finally, AJ. He wasn’t bored now that Rochelle was finally on the road with us; I was surprised he’d managed to tear himself away from her. He didn’t look too happy about it. “What’s this all about, Carter?” he growled, as I motioned for him to sit down. “Lemme guess… Cary’s knocked up, isn’t she?”
That was so far from the truth and from what I’d been expecting, I just gaped at him, totally speechless, for a few seconds. In that time, I saw Brian’s and Howie’s eyes widen, their heads whipping towards AJ and then back to me, silently asking, “Is she??” Funny that they all assumed I’d get a girl pregnant before I’d propose to her.
“No,” I said, once I’d recovered. “She’s not knocked up, and I’m not doing drugs.” I couldn’t help but think that either of those situations would be better than what I was about to tell them. Those would have been my own fuck-ups, but fuck-ups I could fix… unlike cancer, which I couldn’t have prevented and couldn’t cure. This situation was completely out of my control, and to me, that made it much scarier.
“So what’s the deal, then?” AJ persisted, looking more curious than annoyed now, while I stalled, trying to figure out how to tell them. I’d been working on that one the whole bus ride – really, a lot longer than that – and still had no clue.
Finally, I decided to just come out and say it. Like pulling off a Band-aid – do it quick, and it hurts for a second, but then it’s over. I wanted it to be like that. “I’m sick,” I said, my eyes dropping to the carpet. I couldn’t stand to look at them while I said it. “I… I’ve been diagnosed with something called lymphoblastic lymphoma. It’s a kind of cancer.”
I heard their soft gasps as it hit them, what I’d said. Then AJ said, “Please tell me you’re fucking with us.”
I finally looked up. He was staring at me in disbelief, his face contorted into this weird, painful-looking expression. Next to him, Howie was wide-eyed and pale, his mouth hanging slightly open. Brian’s eyes were narrowed, his lips pressed tightly together. They were both staring at me, too, waiting for me to either explain or say, “Psych! Just kidding… gotcha!” They had to know I’d never pull a prank that fucked up, but I knew they wanted to believe that’s all this was. Just a practical joke… an April fool… never mind the fact that it was almost July.
Slowly, I shook my head. “Wish I was, but no… I’m serious. I have cancer.”
It was one of the few times I’d said it out loud, and even though I’d been living with it for three months, it gave me a cold shiver just to hear myself admit it. I’d been hiding it and trying to deny it for so long, but now they knew the truth, and soon, everyone would know. My Wikipedia page would be updated with a section about my illness, and it would be a footnote at the end of any article written about me, no matter how unrelated. My legacy would be forever changed, forever tarnished by this.
“Oh my God, Nicky…” Howie’s voice sounded shaky. “Did you just find this out today? Or was it last week, when you…” He trailed off.
I almost laughed when I realized he thought I’d just been diagnosed, on one of my recent trips to the hospital. He was going to flip when he found out I’d known since March. It was almost funny, except it wasn’t. “No,” I forced myself to say, before I could think of lying about that, too. “I was diagnosed in the spring.” Then, feeling like I should explain, I added, “I started feeling bad at the end of the Asian tour, so when we got back to the States, I saw my cardiologist in Florida. He sent me to an oncologist in LA, and she diagnosed me.”
Finally, Brian spoke. His voice was deathly calm when he said, “So… you’ve known about this how long? Since March? April? And you’re just now telling us?”
I hung my head, avoiding the hurt look in his eyes. Out of all of them, I felt worst about lying to Brian. We’d had our differences over the years, grown apart as we’d grown up, but I still considered him my best friend, my brother from another mother. He had always been so open with us about his own health problems, I knew he’d never understand me hiding mine. Especially from him. We were Frick and Frack. We used to tell each other everything.
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled. “I didn’t want you to know.”
“Nice,” AJ spat. “Real fuckin’ nice, Nick, to keep a secret like that for three fucking months and then spring it on us like this. What the fuck am I supposed to say?”
I looked up again, fidgeting under his blazing stare. If looks could kill, the cancer wouldn’t get the chance to do me in; AJ’s eyes alone would have gotten the job done right there. He didn’t just look betrayed, like Brian; he was pissed. I guess I’d known he would be, but I still wasn’t prepared for how bad he’d make me feel. I don’t know what else I had expected. Sympathy, maybe? Understanding? “You don’t have to say anything,” I told AJ. “I just thought you should know.”
“Yeah, damn straight. We should’ve known three months ago. Fuck…” AJ swore, standing up. He paced back and forth between us a few times before he announced, “I can’t even deal with this shit right now. I’m going downstairs.”
I didn’t even try to stop him as he stalked out of the room, slamming my door shut behind him. I figured he was off for a smoke, or maybe a drink. I wouldn’t blame him for either; he clearly needed some kind of release. Again, I felt a stab of guilt for causing that kind of a reaction. I looked back at Brian and Howie, bracing myself for a lecture from them.
Howie, half out of his seat, asked uncertainly, “Should I go after him?”
“Nah,” said Brian, “Let him blow off some steam. We can check on him later… after we’re done talking to Nick.” He turned his eyes back to me, looking me up and down. “So… why didn’t you want us to know about this?”
Brian knew just how to make me feel like a piece of shit without yelling and cursing at me. His disappointment was a hundred times worse than AJ’s anger. I tried to explain myself, hoping he’d understand. “I was gonna tell you…” I started, “but the timing just never seemed right. I know I should’ve called when I first found out, but I couldn’t make myself do it. I didn’t wanna tell you over the phone; it was too hard of a call to make. So I was gonna wait and tell you guys in person, when we were all together. I tried to in Napa, but I chickened out. We were having fun, and you guys all seemed so happy, and I didn’t wanna be the one to ruin it.”
“Oh, Nick,” said Howie, shaking his head, “of course we would’ve been devastated, but we still would have wanted to know.”
“I know,” I replied quickly, “but I liked being able to have fun with you guys and forget what was going on with me. When we did that Napa fan event, I had just finished my first cycle of chemo, and all I’d been doing lately was lying around, feeling sorry for myself. You don’t understand how good it felt to get out and get back onstage. It was like nothing had changed. I could pretend like my life was back to normal, even if it wasn’t. I dunno; it’s hard to explain…” I trailed off, knowing there was nothing I could say that would justify my keeping this secret from them for so long. They wouldn’t understand. They couldn’t.
“Thanks for trying,” Brian said, the hard look in his eyes softening a little. “So you did chemo?” He looked at me closely again, like he couldn’t quite believe it.
I nodded. “Yeah. I’m still on it, actually. I’ve been pretty lucky… still got all my hair…” I ran my hand over my head. “I’ve had other side effects, though.”
Brian and Howie looked at each other. “How have you been managing to sneak away for chemo treatments without anyone knowing?” Howie wanted to know. “Is that the real reason you were at the hospital?”
“No. I’ve been getting them right here, either in my hotel room or on the bus.” I pulled down the neck of my t-shirt to show them my port, explaining how the little metal disc implanted under my skin made it easy to get chemo through an IV without having to be stuck every time. “It looks freaky as hell, but it doesn’t hurt. I don’t even feel it,” I assured them.
Howie looked pale and shocked. Brian just looked perplexed. “But how…?” he began, and then I could almost see the light bulb go on above his head. “Cary,” he said, like he couldn’t believe he hadn’t figured it out earlier. “She’s a nurse. She’s the one who’s been helping you this whole time, hasn’t she? That’s why you were so insistent about her being our opening act.”
I nodded, smiling at my own brilliance. “To be fair, she had no idea what she was getting into at first, so don’t blame her. She got roped into it. But yeah, she’s been taking care of me, giving me the chemo and stuff.”
“And that’s why you’ve been spending so much time with her.” Brian paused. “Are you actually dating her, too, or was that just a cover up?”
“A cover up,” I answered. “There’s nothing else goin’ on between us. It was just convenient that you guys assumed there was.”
Brian shook his head. “You’re an idiot, Nick, but now you got me feelin’ like one, too, for thinking she was another gold digger. Sorry, man. You’re still a prick, though.”
I grinned sheepishly. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”
What else was there to do but hug? That’s how we Backstreet Boys roll; we’re just cheesy that way. I got a hug from Brian first, then Howie. They weren’t the tight bear hugs I was used to, but both of them seemed to cling to me a little longer than usual. If they’d been mad at me before, it was forgotten now; when they pulled away, they both just looked sort of sad.
“So… what kind of cancer did you say you had?” Howie asked.
“It’s a kind of Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It’s called lymphoblastic lymphoma,” I said, surprised I could actually remember that mouthful. I wasn’t a total idiot, though; I’d read up on it.
“And what stage is it in?”
My stomach dropped, like it had earlier. “Um… stage IV.” I saw Howie’s face crumple when I said that. He knew what it meant; his dad had died of stage IV lung cancer that had spread to his brain. “But it’s not as bad as it sounds,” I added quickly. “I had a bunch of tests done in the hospital right before we went on the road, and they showed that the chemo is helping. I had a tumor in my chest, but it’s shrunk. I’m gonna be okay.”
Howie offered me a shaky smile. “I hope so, Nicky.”
“You better be,” Brian added severely. I smiled at his threatening tone – as if scrawny little Brian Littrell could scare the cancer out of me. I wished he could. Then again, he did have a pretty good relationship with God; maybe he could pray it away. “You need to take care of yourself,” he lectured, sounding a lot like his cousin. My stomach bottomed out again when I thought of Kevin finding out I was sick. He was gonna be devastated – and pissed at me for not telling him sooner. “… And start being honest with us.” Brian was still going on. “You shouldn’t have had to go through this alone.”
“I wasn’t alone. I had Cary.”
“You know what I mean. You should have had support from your friends, your family. Do they know about this?” I shook my head guiltily, and Brian sighed. “Of course not. I don’t understand you, Nick.”
“You know my family ain’t like yours… or yours, D,” I added, looking from Brian to Howie. “I’m not ready to involve them in all this shit. One step at a time, alright? It was a big enough step just to open up to you guys.”
“I don’t know why,” said Howie, sounding hurt again. “We are your family, Nick. We’re your brothers. If you can’t come to us when you’re going through stuff, who can you count on?”
Sometimes, you can count on a total stranger. I thought of Cary, who had been everything I’d asked of her and more. Thanks to her, I hadn’t been alone. I’d had the support of a friend. The guys didn’t get it, but suddenly, I did understand just how much that support had meant to me on this tour. No matter how strong and stubborn I could be, it was Cary who had gotten me through it – just like she’d promised.
“Speaking of brothers,” Brian spoke up, “maybe one of us should go down and check on AJ.”
“I’ll go,” Howie volunteered. “He probably just needs some time. You know he doesn’t handle bad news well.”
“Tell him I’m sorry,” I offered, as Howie got up to leave. “There was no easy way to tell you guys, then or now.”
“Knowing AJ, he would’ve freaked out no matter when you told us,” Brian said. I think he meant to make me feel better, but really, I just felt worse. This was partly why I’d avoided telling them for so long. I had known it would devastate them. I hoped AJ was just out smoking and not doing something totally stupid.
Howie nodded, agreeing with Brian, and gave me a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry. He’ll come around.”
I really hoped he was right.
***
