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Chapter Nine - May 13

As the weeks passed, the conversations Ro and I had about the twins centered more around what we were going to do when they came home rather than life in the NICU. Dr. Tresher had told me just the day before that improvement was leading towards a release in less than two weeks.

Yesterday was also the day that I showed Ro the nursery. She was insistant on climbing the stairs. Her eyes filled with tears as I opened the door.

"It's better than what you described," she said quietly as she looked around. "This is fucking sweet."

I had laughed and held her close, enjoying the fact that 'fucking' was as much a staple in her vocabulary as it was in mine. My days of rubber band snapping were gone. I couldn't change who I was that drastically. That was like telling Homer Simpson to become Ned Flanders. Doh!

This morning, I woke up early with a goal in mind. It was Mother's Day; more specifically it was Ro's first Mother's Day.

Before I left, I checked in on her. She was sound asleep. For the past few days she had been able to get up and watch TV while I went to the hospital for my daily visit. I didn't have any qualms about leaving this morning; I had a few surprises to pick up.

My first stop was to the local florist. I looked around and finally chose a large bouquet of red roses wrapped in translucent black wrap with silver hearts. Afterwards, I stopped by the antique pawn shop. Like me, Ro was into the outrageous and the unusual. On a search to find the perfect outrageous and unusual gift, I had spotted an old oval locket with a rose clasp in the window a week ago that someone had pawned. I had called just yesterday and for once my luck was running high. The person hadn't come to pick it up and it was officially for sale. I had told the shop owner to hold it for me.

The door chimed above my head as I walked in. The shop owner smiled, reached down and held up the locket.

"It's been waiting for you," he said. I smiled and reached into my back pocket for my wallet. I always try to hide the amount of cash and credit cards I carry, but this guy was quick. When he rang up the total, it was twenty dollars higher than he quoted me the first time. Still, I didn't argue. I paid the man, took the necklace and headed out of the shop.

I sat in the car for a few minutes looking the piece over. It would fit in perfect with all of Ro's goth wardrobe. She was a hot goth mommy. I slid my nail into the clasp and worked the locket open. Two empty windows stared back at me. With a smile I opened the glove box and took out a little baggy.

With the help of one of the nurses, I had snipped a teeny tiny piece of hair off of each babies' head. I put Alexis' strand on the left and Jonah's on the right. I couldn't wait to see the look on Ro's face when she opened it.

My last stop was her favorite bagel shop for some bagels and blueberry cream cheese. The only thing that would have made the day any better was if I could have snuck the babies home. I guess three out of four isn't bad.

Anticipating a lot of brownie points, I parked in the drive and got all of my goodies. It was a bit of a juggle, bit I didn't care. I had looped the locket through the roses. I unlocked the door and headed in.

It was completely quiet. Assuming that Ro was still in bed, I snuck down the hall. Slowly I pushed open the door.

"Happy Mother's Day!" I called out.

The room was empty.

The combination of a quiet house and an empty bed raised a red alert. I turned around and headed back out to the living room. Empty.

I walked through the living room and into the kitchen.

The roses fell to the floor.

Ro was lying motionless on the kitchen floor. A bottle of aspirin was laying on its side; the pills rolled out along the counter and onto the floor. A water glass was shattered on the floor; pieces of glass floated in the liquid.

Deep down, even before I reached for the phone and the 911 operator instructed me to check for a pulse, I knew Ro was dead. The instant my fingers touched her neck I knew that no life was left in her body.

I have no recollection of what happened after I touched her. My mom tells me that when the paramedics arrived, they found me holding Ro in my arms and screaming.

The doctors tried to piece together the probable events of the morning while I was gone. The best guess was that Ro had woken up in the morning with a headache. When she called for me and I didn't answer she had gotten out of bed and went to the kitchen for an aspirin. She had filled a glass of water, opened the bottle and then...

A spontaneous brain hemorrhage had taken her almost instantly. The doctors told me several times that, even if I had been home, that things probably wouldn't have turned out differently.

The word 'probably' will haunt me for the rest of my fucking life.

There's something to be said about the incredible power of denial. And sedatives. Nothing in the days following Ro's death are defined in sharp detail. I didn't even know until much later that Alexis had come down with pneumonia. It was my mom who had begged the doctors for something to numb my pain; nothing would ever take the pain completely away.

I vaguely remember sitting in the living room the day before the viewing and funeral. Ro's mom was upstairs picking out something for Ro to wear. My mom sat on the couch beside me, holding tight to my hand. A thick strand of gold flashed by my eyes.

"Found this on the floor," I heard her say.

It's amazing what one little thing will do to get you to come crashing back down. I wrapped my fingers around the chain. It seemed like I hadn't spoken for days...maybe I hadn't. I touched the locket and it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

"Shenethi." My words were slurred and jumbled. I licked my lips and tried again. "She needs this."

"You want Ro to have this?" she repeated. I nodded. I had failed her. The least I could do was give her a little piece of our children to be with her...always.

Most people say that the day of the viewing is almost harder than the funeral. That couldn't have been farther from the truth for me. The family was allowed in an hour early and the moment I saw her lying there I just wanted to stand and look at her forever. The sedatives were tricking my mind. She wasn't dead. She was Snow White and she had accidentally taken a bite out of a poison apple. I could wake her up. I leaned down and kissed her cheek. There was none of the fresh flush she would get when I did that; no blood bringing the face to life, only makeup to give the pseudoappearance of life.

I don't think I moved from the side of her casket the entire day. Every now and then I would touch her fingers or the locket and pray for those pretty eyes to flutter open. If they did, I'm sure she would smile, give me the finger and begin to talk about how fucking stupid I was to fall for such a prank.

But that never happened.

All of the guys and their girls came, but their faces swam together; I can't tell you who came first or if they all came together. Each time I received the required hug for the mourner and those empty words about her being in peace.

I know it's selfish, but I didn't want Ro to be in peace. I'd rather have her down here on earth in pain than far away where I couldn't talk to her again. I needed her. How was I going to explain to two kids that they coudn't get hugs and kisses from their mommy? How the hell was I going to raise two kids by myself?

At the end of the day, after everyone went home, I'm told that they practically had to drag me out of the viewing room. I don't remember fighting anyone or causing a fuss. I just knew that I didn't want to leave her.

The next day I pretended to take the sedatives, but I spit them out in the sink as soon as possible. For some reason during the course of the night I had decided it was fitting punishment to myself to feel as much pain as possible. I was still half in a daze at the funeral itself. My eyes didn't leave the open casket. I was memorizing every strand of black hair and the angle of her nose...the way her bottom lip stuck out just barely in a permanent pout that I had wanted to devour every time I kissed her...

What I was fully aware of, in mind, body, and spirit was first, when they closed the lid of the casket and second, the actual graveside burial. I felt, really felt, the hot tears stream down my face at the realization that I was never going to see her face again. I slid off the pew at the church and buried my face in my hands. I was still bawling after everyone filed into their cars. If it wasn't for my mom and Reva (who I hadn't realized had even shown up), I'd probably still be on the hard floor. I cried all the way to the gravesite.

These days, the common thing to do for graveside services is that the pries will say a few words and then everyone will leave before they lower the casket in the ground. It's almost like the only purpose for the graveside part is so everyone can see where the person's buried if they choose to come back later. That's not what I wanted. After the priest said his words and people started to head towards the car, my mom touched my hand.

"Alex..."

"I'm staying."

"What?"

"I'm watching."

Mom started to argue with me on my right, but on my left I felt a warm hand. For one insane moment I thought it might have been Ro's ghost coming to stay with me for all eternity. I could live with that. Ro in ghost form was better than no Ro at all.

Except the hand belonged to Reva. She handed me a flower from one of the arrangements.

"We both throw a flower and some dirt," she declared. I nodded. Reva knew what I was talking about.

With my eyes trained on the earth below the men worked to lower the casket the requiste six feet under. They paused respectfully as I knelt down and grabbed a handful of black earth. I closed my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. "It shouldn't have been this way. I was never cut out to be a husband." My voice broke. "I failed you."

I let the dirt slide through my fingers down onto the mahogany casket below. To my right Reva was doing the same. When the last bit had sailed from my fingers, I let the flower drop down as well. Two flowers landed at almost the same time. Reva's hand took mine. I felt my mom's hand on my back.

It was a beautiful sunny day; but in my heart black storm clouds were rolling in for a long stay.