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Chapter Ten - May 27

And have you seen my faith?
It can run, it can hide
Jesus mend this breaking heart of mine

In the two weeks since Ro's death, I fell into a deep dark place in myself that I didn't even know existed. I spent my days in bed, holding Ro's pillow to my chest. If I closed my eyes tight enough and inhaled just right, I could still smell her. It was those rare moments when the pain didn't seem to hurt so bad.

My mom called me every day and she repeated the same questions: How are you doing? Can I bring you anything? Did you see the babies today? And every day the answers were the same: fine (even though I wasn't), no (unless she could bring Ro back I needed nothing), and yes (even though I hadn't).

The guys were persistant in calling too. They asked almost the same questions as mom and I answered the questions the exact same. This happened for the first week.

The second week I stopped answering the phone.

I was lying in bed on the Sunday two weeks after I found Ro dead on the kitchen floor. I was trying to replay the scene in my head, except this time I would have been home to save her. My breathing came out in sharp gasps as I pictured my arms around her. I ached to hold her in my arms.

I was so engrossed in trying to enter my alternate reality that I didn't hear my front door being kicked in nor did I hear the four sets of footsteps on the stairs. Only when Kevin rammed in my bedroom door did reality come crashing back.

All four of them stood in the doorway looking at me. Kevin was first. He stood there rubbing his shoulder; that bullish shoulder of his had knocked down way too many doors in my life. Howie and Brian stood behind him, concern written all over their faces. Nick brought up the back of the pack, towering over Howie and Nick.

"Get up," Nick said. I just rolled over and put the covers over my head. They were pulled back.

"Get up," Kevin said.

I wasn't going to listen. I had rolled over to Ro's side of the bed. I pressed my face down deep in the mattress. If I held my head down just long enough, maybe...

The next thing I felt were four sets of strong hands grabbing me at my shoulders and legs. Even then I didn't struggle. They lifted me off the bed. I kept my eyes closed.

"AJ, you're not going to lay here until you die," Kevin said. I opened my eye just a crack. The ground was moving underneath me. They were carrying me like I was the main dish at a fucking pig roast. All they needed to do was stick an apple in my damn mouth.

I ended up being tossed in the shower and the cold water cranked up to the point where my gonads disappeared somewhere within me to escape hypothermia. Kevin stepped into the shower and stood right in front of me like he was sitting underneath a comfortable warm spray.

"Talk to us," he pleaded.

"I don't have anything to talk about," I said, shivering.

"You can't just lay here. Your mom says you haven't been to the hospital in two weeks."

I winced. I knew that lie would catch up with me sooner or later.

"Don't you want to go see your babies?"

I stared at him. The other guys were watching me for a reaction. I didn't know how to explain it. I hated not visiting Jonah and Alexis. Mom had even told me the very last time I talked to her that Alexis had fought off pneumonia since the last time I had seen her. And still I didn't go. In my mind, I felt that if I reached out that God would take them too.

Without me around, they had a chance of life.

"We'd like to take you to go see them," Brian said. I looked over at him.

"Why'd you fly all the way here?"

Bri grinned. "I just fancied a flight to Tampa this morning."

"No, I told him that we needed some more muscle to get your ass up," Nick said. He grabbed the spray nozzle and aimed the harsh cold spray right up my nose. I slammed back against the wall, shaking my head. I glared up at him furiously.

"What? Didn't like that?"

He aimed again; I grabbed his wrist and twisted. Kevin just stood there. I managed to grab the hose and aimed it right at Nick. He yelped and jumped out of the tub.

"LEAVE ME ALONE!" I cried. I dropped the nozzle. I was angry...so fucking angry. I don't think all that anger was at Nick. It was anger that had been brewing for two weeks. I was angry at life. I let out a scream and with my hand clenched in a tight fist I turned around and punched the shower wall for all it's worth. It felt good. I punched it again. Before I could punch it a third time, Kevin took gently took my wrist.

"I wanted some emotion, but I don't want a broken hand," he said. I took a deep shuddery breath and he let my arm drop.

"Now," Howie said. "Why don't you get in some dry clothes?"

I looked at him. "Why?"

"Because they won't let you in the hospital looking like that."

---------------------------------------

If I could reach the sky
I'd try to turn the world around
So that we could see the face of forever
Stay alive

It didn't matter that it had been two weeks since I had seen the inside of the hospital. Nothing ever changed. The only thing different was that I was currently flanked by four of my closest friends. Nick and Howie walked on my left; Kevin and Brian on my right.

"We're going to wait right here," Nick said as we stopped outside the NICU. I saw him look in at all the incubators. He was probably thinking about Jonah. I put my hand on the door and paused.

"Trust us J," Bri said quietly. "You need to do this."

I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened the door. I grabbed a pair of scrubs and booties and put them on.

"Good to see you, Mr. McLean," a nurse said. She was walking by with a loud little baby with tons of black hair.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," she added. I felt the hairs on the back of my neck bristle. She patted the baby on the back.

All I could do was nod. I began to walk off.

"Mr. McLean?"

I turned. I felt like I was wasting time. The nurse jostled the baby in her arm.

"Do you want to hold Jonah? I was just going to sit down and feed him."

I froze and stared closer at the baby in her arms. I didn't recognize him without the oxygen tubes and monitors.

"That's---That's."

"He's had an amazing couple weeks," the nurse said.

The bottoms of my feet felt numb. I walked over and she slowly transferred him into my eyes. I looked down.

He was still small but there was a strength in his whole body that I hadn't seen before. His warm brown eyes stared up at me as his cries turned to whimpers.

"You can sit right here," the nurse said. I sank down into the rocking chair. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I took the bottle and slowly pressed it against his lips. He took it and I felt a warm tear slip down my cheek.

"No more feeding tube," the nurse confirmed as she stood behind the chair. "He's got a great sucking reflex."

I don't know how long it took for Jonah to finish the bottle. Each time the milk went down in the bottle I felt a rush. When he was finally done I lifted the bottle.

"He'll need burped."

I held him awkwardly. I didn't know what to do. There wasn't a manual. And even if there was, it probably would have been written in Chinese.

"Like this," the nurse said kindly. She brought him up and demonstrated patting him on the back. When I mimicked the action and he burped, I felt for the first time in weeks that I had done something right.

It was a weird feeling. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve feeling good and I felt the familiar feeling of guilt creep back in. I handed him back to the nurse.

"Where's Alexis?"

"I already fed her. She had a rough ten days with the pneumonia. I was actually more worried about her than I was with Jonah there for awhile."

I stood up and headed in the direction the nurse pointed me. Alexis was hooked up to a couple of monitors but even she didn't have the bulk of tubes that she once did. She wasn't even in an incubator.

"We're at the point where fresh air is good for them," the nurse said as she put Noah right next to her. She attached a couple of monitors. He flailed angrily. I stroked Alexis' head and reached over and did the same to Jonah.

As I looked down at them I started to cry.

Alexis looked so much like Ro; more than I remembered. For a long while she slept peacefully and I couldn't help but lament that she wouldn't even know that I had visited. Yet, as I stood to go she woke up with a cry.

As the stronger of the two babies (at least before the pneumonia), I had almost memorized her cry. I stared down at her in confusion. The two nurses in the room were occupied with a couple other babies. I picked her up and rocking her gently.

"Shhh," I said. "Shhhh."

"She okay?"

The same nurse that had helped me feed Jonah was at my side. I nodded and then paused.

"Her...her cry sounds different. Different than I remember."

The nurse smiled and touched my arm.

"That's normal. Sometimes an illness can change the cry a little."

I looked back down. Alexis' eyes were wide open and she was staring up at me intently. Her face overwhelmed me. I didn't want to leave it.

"When can they come home?" I asked.

The nurse looked confused.

"Oh, I thought Mrs. Karidis was taking them home tomorrow."

I looked up.

"My wife's dead."

The nurse blinked rapidly. "I...I meant your wife's mother. Didn't...didn't you know Mr. McLean?"

A rapid rush of blood flew through my body.

"No, I wasn't aware," I said. "I think there's a mistake. If they're being released tomorrow I'm taking them home."

The nurse nodded. She looked like she wanted to eat her hospital booties. "I'll call Dr. Tresher and let her know."

As the nurse walked off, I looked down at Alexis.

I didn't know what had transpired in the last two weeks.

But I didn't like it.