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Chapter Eleven

"You're in no state of mind to care for two babies that need around the clock care, AJ," Ro's mom said calmly.

"You have no right to tell me what I can and cannot do for my children," I said acidicly.

I was sitting in the living room. Kevin, Brian, Nick, and Howie were sprawled on my sofas and on the floor. I was grateful for the support. I had lost it when I had walked out of the NICU. I don't think the nurses had ever heard so many curse words come from one person.

"Alex," she said hesitantly. "With all the problems you've had lately, I think you'd be grateful. Plus, in the last two weeks you've practically abandoned Alexis and Jonah."

My stomach did a flip-flop. If there was one word I hated in the English language, it was abandon.

"I had to grieve," I snapped. "Everyone grieves differently. I'm taking them home tomorrow and that's that."

"Do you really think you're going to go off on a tour with two preemies?"

"We've cancelled the tour," I said. When the guys had brought me home, Kevin had rationally gone over every hurtful thing or tactic that Ro's mom might say to try to convince me not to bring Alexis and Jonah home. That had been one of them.

"How are you going to handle two babies by yourself?"

"If you want, you and my mom are both welcome to come here and help," I said. With all the shit Nick had been through with his mom, he had been the one to suggest that I extend an olive branch to Ro's mom.

"But---"

"But what? I'm near the hospital, their room is done, I have the best baby equipment money can by and I'm going to hire a visiting nurse that will come twice a day. I'll be interviewing for a permanent nanny in a few weeks."

Ro's mom sighed. There was an awkward, heavy silence.

"If one thing happens to either of them I will take you to court so fast your head will spin. I don't care how much money you have. Those babies are the last link to my daughter and I won't let you hurt them."

Her words came so fast and furious that it felt like I was being punched in the gut repeatedly. I could almost taste blood.

"Point taken," I said quietly.

And then I hung up.

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The next morning I drove to the hospital with Brian. He was scheduled to fly back to Atlanta later in the day but he had offered to help me get the twins home.

When I had opened my eyes this morning my natural reflexes begged me to roll over and just stay in bed. I wanted to mourn...I needed to mourn. Then the other side of me, which surprisingly sounds a lot like Kev, told me to get my ass out of bed. That side had won.

As I walked the halls for hopefully the last time, I couldn't help but think that it should have been Ro walking beside me, not Brian. I knew that feeling would never go away. Every milestone that Alexis and Jonah reached I would think of that injustice.

"It's the day I always look forward to," Dr. Tresher announced as I walked into the NICU, Brian right behind me. I smiled.

"I'm glad that you’re taking them home," she added quietly.

"I wouldn't have it any other way."

She didn't mention Rochelle and I was glad. I wanted to keep the focus on Jonah and Alexis. This was their day.

"I would suggest keeping them at home except for doctor visits for the next month," Dr. Tresher said. "Especially Ally since the pneumonia knocked her for a loop. She's bouncing back well."

I ran my finger along Ally's cheek. Her mouth opened on reflex.

"I'd also suggest taking one of our CPR courses."

I looked up in surprise. Dr. Tresher held up a hand.

"Just as a precaution. Everyone should know CPR."

Brian slid a hand in his back pocket, produced his wallet, and whipped out a card.

"I do!"

I rolled my eyes. Leave it to Bri to want to score fucking brownie points.

"You have a visiting nurse coming twice a day, right?"

I nodded. "And I'm going to be interviewing for a permanent nanny as well."

Dr. Tresher placed her hand on my arm.

"It's going to be a lot of work."

I looked back down. Jonah was trying to stick his hand in his mouth but the little mitten was getting in the way.

"I'm up for it," I said.

Before we left, I put both of them in official baby clothes for the very first time. I held a sleeper in my hands and stared down at Jonah. I bunched up the material and held it out at the bottom of his leg and waited. Brian coughed.

"What are you doing?"

"I have no fucking clue."

Brian took the sleeper from me. "It's almost a game," he explained. "You've got to be smarter than the baby."

I watched as he got the sleeper up Jonah's legs. They began to squish up on reflex. Brian started whistling "She'll Be Coming Round the Mountain" and Jonahstopped and stared at him intently. Taking the opportunity, Bri quickly got his arms in and the zipper up. He picked up Jonah and smiled over at me.

"Ta-da!"

I picked up Alexis. I should have started with her. Girls were always harder to dress. I remember Ro always...

No, No, No.

Taking a deep breath, I put Ally down on the table. I grabbed the pink sleeper and stared at her feet. Her eyes were only half open. Maybe I could catch her unaware.

I quickly, but gently pulled the sleeper up over her legs. Her eyes opened all the way. Lifting her a fraction I got the sleeper wiggled up on her back. All that was left was the arms. I didn't even think I needed to whistle. I took each little arm and put it through. With a zip, it was done.

Mission accomplished.

"Impressive," Brian said. "But girls are easier."

I picked Ally up and held her close. "How are girls easier?"

Bri grinned. "Because girls love clothes. It's primitive nature for boys to run around half naked."

It made sense. I laughed; yes, actually laughed.

Then I looked around the NICU. I was ready to go home.

I had a feeling Jonah and Ally were too.

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I hadn't counted on how painful it would be to walk into the nursery, but my heart almost ripped itself right out of my chest when I walked in.

Monkee. Monkee. My monkee.

I still pictured her standing there, smiling excitedly. What had she said? Oh yeah...'fucking sweet.'

God, I missed her.

"Wow guys, dad did a good job," Bri said. He put down Jonah's carseat and knelt down to unbuckle him. I knelt down and did the same to Ally's. Even if I did want to take them out, all the locks and straps on the carseat were enough for me to want to stay home.

"Are you keeping them in here or are you setting up bassinets?" Brian asked. He held Jonah like an expert. I felt like I was holding Ally like a sale turkey at Thanksgiving. I looked at him blankly.

Bassinets...

"They're staying in here," I finally said. Then I realized that I would be down the hall. What if something happened and I didn't hear?

"I've got a roll-a-bed I'm going to set up in the room for me," I said.

"Do you have enough diapers and everything? I can run to the store..."

I shook my head. "I have diapers. I have formula. I have bottles..."

I just didn't have Ro.

"Is the nurse coming today?"

"Later tonight."

Brian put Jonah down in his crib; I did the same with Ally. After a minute we both switched. Brian went to Ally; I went to Jonah.

"They're adorable," Bri finally said. "And so...white."

I laughed. It was the second time in one day and I felt guilty again.

"What do you mean?"

"You have so much ink on you that I almost forgot how white and nerdy you were back when," Bri said.

"I was pretty fly for a white guy," I amended. Bri snorted.

"So you thought. That earring you always wore was bigger than my fist."

"It was not."

"Close enough."

The banter faded into silence. I glanced up at the Curious George wall clock.

"You've got a flight to catch," I said quietly. Brian followed my gaze.

"Yeah. I better get home. Leighanne..." he trailed off. He looked at me and I hated the pity I saw there.

"Thanks for helping me out," I said quickly. I reached out my hand but Bri pulled me in for one of those heavy back-slap hugs.

"Anytime. You call if you need anything okay? And pick up the phone when someone calls."

I cracked a little smile.

"I'll keep that in mind."

I walked downstairs and stood at the door while Bri got in his rental car. He rolled down the window and stuck out his hand. I waved back. Slowly I closed the door.

Then panic hit me hard. I had left them upstairs alone. It had only been minutes, but it was too long. I ran back up and leaned over both cribs.

They were in one piece, eyes open, and breathing normally. I slumped against Ally's crib in relief. I felt the hot tears spring to my eyes again.

"How am I going to do this with you?" I said into the air around me. It hurt to breathe. "Who's going to teach Ally about all that girly stuff like tampons and eyelash curlers? And who's going to help Jonah learn how to put on a tie? You always did that for me. Why did you have to go?"

I was sobbing uncontrollably and the questions just kept coming. But there were no answers.

Subconsciously I think I knew the answers were within me, but it was going to take some searching to find them.

And I didn't know if I could find them alone.

I didn't know if I could be that strong.

And I hated myself for it.