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Chapter Seventeen - August 28

The day before hadn't been a good day. Jonah had developed a cold. I had rushed straight to the doctor only to be told not to panic.

That was easier said than done.

By the time I got home, Molly was waiting at the door holding a long envelope.

"I had to sign for this," she said. Her brow was furrowed. She took Jonah and I sat down on the couch in the living room and tore open the envelope. Shelby hopped up next to me. Her face was covered in so much green face paint that she bore a striking resemblance to Kermit the Frog if Kermit had red hair.

"What's those papers?" she asked.

"I don't know."

I smoothed out the papers and scanned them. They were court documents. Ro's mom wasn't dickering around. She really was trying to get custody. Her claim was that I was an unfit parent.

"Fuck," I said. Shelby's eyes widened.

"That's the badderest word you can say in English," she said. I sighed.

"Hey kiddo can you go see if your mommy needs some help? I've got to make an important phone call."

Shelby nodded and hopped off the couch. Her slippers sounded like horse hooves. She headed towards the stairs and turned.

"Mr. J?"

I tried to hide a smile. She was convinced that my first name was just A and my last name was J.

"Yeah?"

"Don't use bad words on the phone. Some people don'ts like 'em."

"I'll remember that."

I had called Nick. Again. He was becoming my personal Oprah. I had asked for a lawyer recommendation and he had given me the name and number of the guy who had handled Liv's divorce. It turned out to be Jim, our old attorney. He had decided that representing pop stars wasn't paying out good money anymore and had switched to a different type a law. I hoped that it included custody cases.

That was why I sat in his waiting room at an ungodly hour in the morning. I had actually beat the secretary there. The doorman had just let me in. When the girl finally came bursting in, she let out a little squeak of surprise.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize we had an early appointment."

"It's okay."

"Help yourself to some coffee."

The coffee looked like it had been floating in the pot for about twenty years. I passed.

Jim arrived about twenty minutes later. I stood up and he shook my head.

"AJ, it's been a long time."

"Sure has."

"Come into my office."

I followed him into his private sanctum. Whatever he was doing, he was doing it well. Everything reeked of money.

"You mentioned you have a problem," he said, settling down in a huge ass leather chair. "I have to tell you, I don't do anything with music, copyright, or entertainment representation in general anymore."

I sat down in the client chair. It was a little less leather, a little more wood, but still damn comfortable.

"I need advice on a custody matter," I said. He looked at me in surprise.

"Oh?"

"My wife's mother-in-law sent me this yesterday."

I handed over the envelope. He took several moments to flip through the papers.

"Your in luck. I handle divorce and custody issues. Now, what does your wife have to say about this?"

I could tell good old Jim didn't keep up with celebrity news anymore. I stared down at my hands. I had picked way more skin around my fingers than usual.

"She passed away in May."

"Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that."

There were the words again. Empty, but seemingly required. All I could do was nod.

"Well, first things first. Have you done anything that would be considered neglect towards the children?"

"Absolutely not."

"Have you done anything that would put them in any direct danger?"

"No."

"Have you provided ample medical care and covered all monetary issues in regards to the care and well-being of your children?"

"Yes."

Jim folded his hands and leaned back in the chair. I almost wanted to hand him a cigar and a martini. He looked that relaxed.

"So what dirt does she have on you? Or is she just yanking your chain?"

I glanced at him. He didn't seem at all bothered.

"I had a little addiction relapse at the beginning of the year. And I was arrested a week ago for soliciting sex from an undercover cop."

"That's it? Jesus, if kids were taken away from their parents just for that then every single kid in Hollywood would be taken away."

"So you don't think I have anything to worry about?"

Jim tapped the papers. "I don't think we'll even have to go to court."

"Really?"

"Florida law states that grandparents can only attempt to take legal custody of children if the parent or parents relinquish their rights or the rights are forcibly terminated. At the most you're going to get a visit from someone at Child Protective Services. You'll give them a tour of the house and they'll check the twins and they'll send a report to both lawyers and the judge. I'm sure once the judge sees where you live and the type of care you provide that this will be ripped up and laughed at."

I swear to God I could have cupped his face and kissed him. It was the best news I had received in...in I didn't know how long.

Jim stood up and I mimicked the motion. We shook hands and I smiled...really smiled. It felt foreign, but it felt good.

"Thank you Jim."

"Anytime. I'll contact her lawyer and let him know that I'm representing you. And when I find out when a home visit will be I'll call and let you know. Just go home and take care of your kids."

I thanked him again and headed out of the office. I was so happy I felt like singing at the top of my lungs. Instead, I opted to stop by a bakery on the way home and bought a dozen of the largest, gooey-est cupcakes I had ever seen in my life.

Shelby must have been looking out the window when I pulled up. Before I had reached the door, it swung open. Her eyes were perfect round orbs.

"CUPCAKES!" she screamed in delight.

"Cupcakes for everyone!" I answered back with a laugh. I walked past her. The sound of her tap shoes shuffling, skipping, and pirouetting behind me only made my smile grow.

Molly was in the kitchen; it was almost lunchtime. She was smearing peanut butter onto some bread. The bread was mutilated. She couldn't even make PB&J's. I set down the cupcakes. Shelby ran up to the counter. She couldn't see over it, but she wrapped her fingers around the countertop and began to jump up and down.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

"I'm taking it that you got good news?" Molly guessed. She brushed a piece of wayward spiral hair out of her eyes. It sprung right back to where it had come from. I opened the lid and handed a huge purple cupcake down to Shelby. She took it in both hands and held it high in front of her like she had just received a medieval sword. I took a blue cupcake and peeled down the wrapped.

"My lawyer pretty much told me that it's going to be an open and shut issue. I'll have one little home visit and there most likely won't be anything else to worry about. Like I told Ro's mom, she can stick it up her ass."

Molly took a pink cupcake. A huge glob of frosting fell off and clung to her finger. I watched out of the corner of my eye as she brought the finger to her mouth, sucking the sweet sugary frosting off with a long deliberate movement.

Why did I have to buy cupcakes?

"That's great," she said sincerely. I took a bite of my cupcake. I remembered why I had bought them.

They were delicious.

"Hey Mr. J!" Shelby said. She spun around in the kitchen chair and stuck out her tongue. It was completely purple. I laughed.

"You look like Barney."

She squished up her face in confusion. "Who's Barney?"

I looked at Molly. The corners of her mouth twitched.

"Kids don't watch Barney anymore?"

She took a tiny bite of the cupcake. I saw her tongue flick over her teeth to get any of the dye swallowed before stainage occured.

"To be honest, no kid should have ever watched Barney," she said. "I'm pretty sure they killed him off like five or ten years ago. Y'know that whole theory of evolution debate."

I laughed. "Forgot about that. So what are kids watching?"

Molly rolled her eyes. "Spongebob. Obviously cartoon sponges don't need to be replaced every month like normal sponges. And...hmm...the Electric Company."

My eyes lit up. "Really? They had that on when I was a kid."

"I know. It was my favorite show. But it's not quite the same. Except for the blending syllables thing."

"Oh you mean when the man and woman face off? Like this?"

I stood directly in front of her.

"F-" I said.

"Un!" she finished.

"Ti-"

"Ger!"

"Sh-"

"Ock!"

"K-"

"ISS!"

I was expecting her to say 'ite' as in 'kite' or 'ick' as in 'kick.'

Not kiss.

She started to blush; my eyes trailed down to her lips. They were tinted with the pink dye of the frosting. I knew how good that frosting tasted.

I bet it tasted better on those lips. There was a warm silence floating in the air. I leaned towards her. She didn't step back. I was close; I was freckle close...

"Hey mommy, do farts have color? Cause if they do, mine's going to be purple right now."

"SHELBY LYNN!"

The room suddenly smelled like rotten eggs. Even Nick didn't pass gas that potent. I staggered back and covered my nose with my shirt.

"Sk--" I gurgled.

"unk!" Shelby said happily. Molly took her hand and walked out of the room.

I went in search of Lysol.

I couldn't wait to feed her beans and set that bomb off in one of the guy's busses.

It was something to look forward to.