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Chapter Twenty Six - October 31

"Happy Anniversary, monkee."

I knelt down and placed a dozen black roses on her headstone. I hadn't been to the cemetary since the day they had buried her. The grass had come in, lush and soft beneath one's feet. There was a huge weeping willow nearby, its branches gracefully arching towards the ground.

There had been many days since Ro's death when I had felt like that weeping willow. I felt bent to the ground, feeling as if the only direction was down.

I had woken up this morning dreading the feelings that would come rushing at me like a tidal wave too big to ignore. But, as I opened my eyes and saw the long streams of sunshine dancing along my bedroom floor, I didn't feel the despair I had just assumed would come.

In the last couple weeks, Molly and I had opened up about pretty much everything. She knew as I headed downstairs what day it was and she had put a respectable distance between us.

"I'm going to run a couple errands this morning," I said.

And that's what brought me to the cemetery. I sank down in the grass and traced Ro's name with a black-tipped nail. McLean. She would always and forever be a McLean.

"I miss you," I said softly. "Every time I look at Ally I see you. She's got your nose and this face that just oozes attitude when she gets frustrated. Which is a lot. And Joe…well, you wouldn’t know he was ever as small as he was. He smiles all the time. I can tell that once he starts talking he’s not going to shut up."

I looked up in the sky, trying to keep the sudden rush of tears trapped in my eyes. A raven flew overhead.

I instantly thought of the Edgar Allen Poe poem, 'The Raven.' As I watched the jet black bird in the sky, I settled down in the grass, suddenly not caring if the tears came. I began to whisper the lines that somehow were still tucked into the recesses of my brain.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing,
Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortals ever dared to dream before;
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, "Lenore?"
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, "Lenore!" -
Merely this, and nothing more.

Then methought the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer
Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.
"Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee - by these angels he hath sent thee
Respite - respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore:
Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!"
Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore."

Somehow, after all these years, I suddenly understood the meaning. I hadn’t read the damn thing since I was in my ‘philosophical’ phase during the Millennium tour. But back then, my life experience amounted to a bag of peanuts. Now, I could empathize with the poor guy who was stuck between the desire to remember and the need to forget his lost love.

That pretty much fucking summed up my life...even though I knew I never wanted to forget Ro.

I sat up and wiped my face. I turned back around to the stone.

"I've met someone," I said softly. "I know you're probably not surprised. But this one's not a random dancer or prostitute. Even though you probably know about that, don't you?"

Foolishly I closed my eyes and waited for a response. None came.

"Her name's Molly. She's amazing with Ally and Joe. And she's got this crazy daughter, Shelby, who reminds me of myself. The kids nuts. If you thought our house was loud before, you should hear it now."

I don't know why I started having this spontaneous confessional, but the more I talked, the better I felt. I hugged my knees. I had kicked off my shoes; I dug my toes into the grass.

"I wish I could talk to you for real. I need to know that you won't hate me for moving on."

It was my worst fear spoken out loud. I closed my eyes and listened for a sign...even just a sound.

All was quiet.

I spent another half hour just talking and walking around the cemetery. By the time I left I had made a promise to myself that I was not going to just crawl into bed and hide today. It wasn't fair to Ally and Joe. And it wasn't fair to Molly and Shelby.

---------------------------------

"That's a real cool costume Mr. J!"

I look down at Shelby. She was decked out head to toe in a T-Rex costume. I bent down and gave her a gold-toothed smile.

"Aarrrrrrgh."

I had decided to go all out and get the official Captain Jack Sparrow costume. The hair was already driving me nuts. I was almost glad I was going bald.

"Is that why Ally and Joe are dressed as parrots?" she asked. I looked over and laughed. I had found two of the most ridiculous parrot hats I'd ever seen. Joe was staring cross-eyed at the huge bill that was jutting out of his head. They looked like they were all set for a friggin' Jimmy Buffet concert.

"You're too smart for your own good, you know that?"

Shelby bent down and tapped Ally's beak.

"Yup!"

"Wow."

I turned around at the sound of the 'Wow.' Molly was standing at the foot of the stairs staring at my costume. If I wasn't grinning before, I was now.

She had gone with an 80's theme: side ponytail, huge off the shoulder shirt, leg warmers...the whole nine yards. It looked like she had raided Shelby's accessories for the huge plastic bracelets.

"Just call me Molly Ringwold," she said. She bounced on the heels of her athletic shoes.

"Well if the hair fits..." I teased. She leaned into my shoulder and whispered between the fake dreads.

"I always had a thing for Captain Jack," she whispered. Before I could say something incredibly dirty back, I felt a tug on my sword.

"HEY! I WANNA KNOW THE SECRET!"

Molly and I both looked down at Shelby. Her little face was buried in the T-Rex jaws.

"I just told AJ that you're the scariest dinosaur I've ever seen," Molly said. Shelby grinned and held up her claws.

"GRRR!"

---------------------------------

We spent the evening trick-or-treating with Shelby around Nick's neighborhood. Liv had offered to watch Joe and Ally and I had taken her up on the offer.

It was a weird feeling walking hand in hand with Molly while Shelby skipped in front of us with a growing bag full of candy. I could almost envision the same seen a few years from now with Ally and Joe skipping along in costumes right along with Shelby.

"Cap'n Jack looks deep in thought," Molly whispered as we rounded the corner back to Nick's.

"Argh, just distracted by your ponytail, lassy," I said. She laughed.

"You sounded more Scottish than pirate right there," she teased. I grinned.

"Okay, how's this? I want to plunder ye booty lassy!"

Molly laughed. Her hand dropped from mine and she skipped ahead to where Shelby and Mason were digging around in their buckets analyzing their candy haul. Shelby held up what looked like a cinnamon disc. Molly unwrapped it and popped it in her mouth.

Tease.

Liv, Leigh, and Leighanne had stayed behind. The place was brimming with food. As everyone broke up into little groups with plates around the living room and kitchen, I picked up Joe and walked him around. Molly swooped in to pick up Ally.

It had been a good night, but more than anything, I was afraid of it ending too early. I was still afraid that the night was going to end with me tossing and turning. I could document every hour on the clock with what Ro and I had been doing exactly two years ago.

In the end, I talked Nick into pulling together a game of poker. The kids had all fallen asleep and it was nice to just shoot the shit with the guys (and Addy - she's one hell of a poker player). The game was heating up pretty well until Shelby woke up.

"What'cha doin?" she asked. Molly was sitting beside me. Shelby put her little pointy chin right into the crook of my arm.

"I'm playing a card game," I said.

"What game?"

"Poker."

"Oh," she said. There was a pause. It was coming around to my turn and I had one of the best hands of the night. I was just about ready to raise when her little finger tapped my cards.

"Are three of those A's a good thing?"

"I'm out."

"I'm out."

Even though Molly tried to tell Shelby to be quiet, five more rounds just like the first one ended up in people folding. Addy ended up winning the whole thing.

The evening wrapped up quickly after that. By the time that we all said our goodbyes and I pulled up to the house, it was almost three o'clock in the morning.

"I want ice cream!" Shelby said happily as she hopped out of the car.

"You're going to bed!" Molly called out. She stopped to help me get the carseats out.

"But Mr. J. and I have ice cream ALL the time!" Shelby said. "CHOCOLATE!"

Molly gave me a look. I gave her what I hoped was a pathetic smile.

"Am I gonna have to walk the plank for that?"

She rolled her eyes.

"No," she said. She put a hand on the bottom of Joe's car seat.

"But you might have some dentist bills coming your way."

I laughed. If that was the worst that came out of Shelby's and my mid-night ice cream talks, that was fine with me.