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Chapter Twenty Eight - December 14

It's funny, but I never thought that years of heavy drug use would ever come in handy.

I was wrong.

After much persuasion, I had talked Molly into flying to Colorado with me. My mom, bless her heart, was watching Shelby and the twins. After a surprise concert opening for the country group Rascal Flatts, all of the guys and our girls had gotten back into the bus to head back to a beautiful ski villa we had rented for the weekend.

That's when everything had gone horribly wrong.

A little old lady had given Nick and Brian a couple trays of brownies. On the advice of my dentist, I took a small piece and milked it out. I had a potential cavity and there was no fucking way that I was going to make it worse. I was even contemplating laying off the ice cream. Maybe.

I was down to my last bite of brownie when I finally recognized the weird taste that had been bothering me since I had started eating it. Of course, at the same time the bus ran out of gas.

"I can't believe this," Howie said. "What crappy luck is that?"

"I can top that," I said. "Guys, we can't eat any more of these brownies."

I looked down. They had finished off a pan and a half. As far as I was concerned, all these drug-free people were royally screwed.

"Why?"

I brought the one small bite I had left up to my nose and sniffed it. It was definitely marijuana.

"These are filled with pot."

"Pot?"

"Are you sure?"

I smirked. "I've had a couple edibles in my day."

"I ate pot?"

The look of panic on Liv's face almost made me burst out laughing.

"Dude, when did we start to eat them?"

"How long do you think it's going to take that guy to come back with gas?"

"Should we call 911?"

Nick held up his cellphone.

"We have no service."

Everyone got quiet.

"What do we do?" Liv finally asked.

I leaned back in my seat back and propped my legs up. "Just relax."

That was easier said the done. One by one they started to drop like flies.

"Have you ever smoked pot before?" I whispered to Molly.

"My high school years are filled with a smoky haze," she whispered back. I smirked. At least one woman in this room was going to be just fine.

I saw Brian stand up. He swayed back and forth. He turned and looked back at Nick.

"It's snowing, bad. And my heart's racing. I think I need to pray. Does anyone else want to pray?"

I didn't think praying was going to do any good. It was snowing hard, but I'd seen much worse. What I hadn't seen before was the look in Brian's eyes.

"SIT DOWN!"

That was Leighanne. She stumbled after Brian and body tackled him to the ground. I couldn't help it; I laughed. It was nice to watch everyone else make jackasses out of themselves. Finally I was on the other side and it was actually fun.

"I think this is going to be the best night of my life," I said.

I watched Addy and Liv try to strip and Kevin begin to freak out about the effects kicking in. I was about to get out my cellphone to document some of this amazing evening when I felt a soft hand wrap around my arm.

"I think I'm going to be sick," Molly say quietly. I looked at her. She was looking clammy. I couldn't remember how many brownies she had eaten, but I knew she had more than me. I helped her to her feet. The moment she stood she began to freak out.

"I can't feel my arms!" she moaned. "Oh fuck, I'm the worst mother in the world. Shelby's mother is a pot head. AJ, she can't eat brownies ever again, okay? Okay?"

I began to shuffle her to the bathroom.

"Okay?!"

"Okay, she won't eat brownies. I promise."

We got to the bathroom door without her hurling. I let go and opened the door. She tumbled in.

"Fuck," I said. I stepped in and closed the door behind me.

Molly's hands wrapped around the sink and she hoisted herself up. Before I could ask her if she needed me to hold her hair or anything she turned on the water and began to splash her face vigorously. The next thing I knew her shirt was off and the water was dripping down her breasts.

"Help me," she gasped.

"Er, what are you doing?" I asked dumbly.

She undid the clasp of her bra.

"I've got to wash it off."

I had no idea what it was. She glanced at me. "It's all over you!"

Before I could react, her wet hands were running down my face. She lifted my shirt and tugged it over my head.

I would have felt like slime if we hadn't been regularly sleeping together, but as it was, I didn't mind taking a little advantage. I undid my pants.

"I think it's down here," I encouraged. She ran her hands under the water again and began to drip her wet fingertips down my body. I even managed to convince her that saliva was better than water on certain, er, parts of my anatomy. As soon as her lips wrapped around me, I hit the sink so loud that I was pretty sure I almost knocked the wall down.

I was enjoying an incredible blow job when I heard a female voice scream "FIRE!"

The last thing I needed was to leave my mom with three kids and for firefighters to find my crisp body in the throngs of getting pleasured. I gently pulled away from Molly.

"No, don't go!" she gasped. I tugged up my boxers and hopped out into the main area. I would have pulled back up my pants, but Molly was grabbing at them and I decided it would take too long. I would worry about it after I made sure there wasn't an inferno.

"What's this about a fire?" I said. I glanced back. Molly was on her stomach. She slid her arm and shoulder out of the bathroom trying to reach for me.

"Nothing, Howie's hallucinating. Or something," Nick said. He wasn't looking so good. There was this unusual glint in his eyes; they were looking extremely unfocused.

"Are you okay?"

Nick didn't respond. I heard a moan from outside.

"NAKED SNOW ANGELS!" Liv squealed. Nick's arms dropped to his sides and she tumbled out onto the bus floor.

"Naked?" Nick repeated. He tried to stand but it was obviously too much of an effort. He fell down on his hands and knees. Brian was doing chin-ups by hanging onto one of the metal bars that ran the length of the bus. Kevin had a bag of Combos and was stuffing them in his mouth like he had never eaten before.

I was the last man standing.

I went back to the bathroom. I got my pants rebuckled and then as gently as possible I sat Molly up and put her shirt back on. I deliberately let my fingers pause for a few seconds on her breasts.

"Moll, you need to do me a favor."

"I can clean you," she said enthusiastically. I shook my head.

"No. I want you to stay here in the bathroom okay? I'm going to go, er, find some soap."

Her arms tightened around me. She tilted her neck back and stared into my eyes.

"AJ, I think I'm high."

I brushed a strand of hair from her face. "I know. But it's going to be okay. Just stay here okay? I'm going to go get some help."

"I can't let Shelby see me like this," she whined. I shook my head.

"She's in Florida. We're in Colorado. She won't. I promise."

I started to get up. She tugged on my jeans leg. I knelt back down.

"What's up?"

She wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me hard.

"I love you."

I had a feeling it was the pot talking, but those were three amazing words to hear. I smiled.

"I love you, too."

I walked out of the bathroom and closed the door behind me. It was like I was the last sane person on earth. I was the chosen one.

I needed to get some gas and get everyone the hell off the deserted highway.

I made my way up to the front of the bus. The door was hanging wide open. I turned around and picked up the coats that were lying strewn on the floor. I didn't care if they belonged to the girls or the guys. I just knew I needed to stay warm. I bundled up, grabbed a big flashlight, and jumped down the stairs.

"No, like that. Like that."

I shown my flashlight around. The image that met my strong beam of light made me groan and shield my eyes.

"HOWIE, GET BACK ON THE BUS!"

I couldn't help but think about Howie and the goat incident. Except this time Leigh was the goat and Howie was in control. I was pretty sure all feeling in Leigh's knees had to be gone.

"Who's that?" Howie said. "Who's interrupting Senor Erótico?"

"If you don't want your dick to freeze and fall off you'll get back in the damn bus!" I said. There was no way I was touching...that.

Luckily they listened to me. I glanced back into the bus and did a head count.

Liv and Nick were missing.

"Why me?" I muttered. I crunched back through the snow and made my way towards the back.

If I had thought the sight of Howie was bad, the sight of Nick was about a million times worse. He was taking the naked snow angels thing to new heights. At the same time I'm pretty sure he wasn't helping to control the Carter population. Bob Barker was going to kick his ass...his very white ass. All I could see was it bobbing up and down and a mass of dark hair underneath his arms.

"Jesus Christ, were the brownies laced with Viagra too?"

I tapped my forehead with the flashlight.

"NICK, GET YOUR ASS BACK ON THE BUS!"

I've got to admit, I didn't wait around to make sure he followed my advice. I had seen way more of Howie and Nick than I had ever wanted to in my whole life. I didn't mind a naked Liv and Leigh, but I had to draw the line somewhere.

The snow was falling in big fat flakes as I began to walk in the direction we had come from. After a few minutes I decided that I just needed to suck it up and just jog it. I would make it there faster and keep my body warm.

For as much shit as I've done to my body, I'm happy to announce I made the gas station in about twenty minutes (which included stopping and taking a leak on the side of the road). A small bar was right next to the gas station. I popped in there first. I had a sneaking suspicion our bus driver was there.

I was right. He was munching on peanuts and had a line of empty glasses in front of him. I didn't even bother to bitch him out. It would have been a pointless waste of time.

Instead I went over to the gas station, explained my situation, and paid for about five big orange things of gas. One of the attendants was nice enough to drive me back to the bus. I was happy to see that there were no more naked girating bodies. I could see Perez Hilton blowing his wad over something like that.

I filled the bus's tank, gave the containers back to the attendant, and climbed back up on the bus.

I'm not going to sugar coat; it smelled like shit in the bus. I think one or two of the guys (or girls) had thrown up. Then there was another smell that I didn't even want to identify. The bathroom door was closed; I had a feeling Molly had been smart and stayed put.

"IT'S THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!" Brian screamed as I climbed aboard. I shed three of the coats.

"WAIT! IT'S AJ!" Brian screamed.

I decided it was easier if I just didn't answer. I slid into the driver's seat and took off.

We were almost back to the villa when Brian came stumbling up to the front.

"Dude, you've got to stop at the grocery store."

I glanced up at him.

"What the hell for?"

"We need Jell-o."

The request was too off the wall for me to ignore. I pulled the bus over. Nick stumbled off the bus after Brian. I followed. I didn't think it was a good idea to have two high Backstreet Boys roaming through the grocery store.

"Dude, remember when I walked through that grocery store for The Call video?" Brian said. We headed towards the baking aisle. All of a sudden he did a dive like bullets were flying after him. I was grateful that it was late and there wasn't many people around. I smiled at one of the clerks and picked him up.

"Dude, two left feet, I swear," I said calmly. I held onto the back of his coat.

"What kind should we get?" Nick asked as we stood in front of the huge display.

"Strawberry. Definitely strawberry," Brian said.

Nick took his hand and wiped one whole row of strawberry into his arms. Brian did the same.

"I think we're going to need more," Bri said.

"Yup. Let's go with cherry. It's in the strawberry family."

By the time they were done I was pretty sure they couldn't even see where they were walking. I got a cart, dumped all the boxes in and they followed me to the checkout aisle.

"You guys sure do love Jell-o," the clerk said as she rang up box after box.

"It's for--" Brian began to say.

"Yes, we do," I said, cutting him off. I didn't know what it was for, but I had a feeling it was probably something that we didn't want the world to know about. I paid for the Jell-o and wheeled the cart out to the bus. Bri and Nick grabbed the bags and ran back on board.

By the time that we got back to the villa, I was hopeful that everyone would be ready to sleep off the rest of the effects.

No such luck.

Bri and Nick ran out to the empty hot tub. Liv and Leighanne were right on their heels. Kevin and Addy took the rest of the brownies to their bedroom. Howie walked into the kitchen. The next thing I knew he was standing there bare-assed with the refrigerator door opened. He grabbed a bucket of ice and some hot sauce he had put in there earlier and walked right by me to the bedroom.

Molly had been happy as a stoned clam when I had opened the door to the bathroom. She was currently jumping from couch to couch in the living room. It was like I was watching Shelby all grown up but still acting like a five year old.

"AJ, catch!"

I held out my arms just as she dove at me. Her legs slid clumsily down my waist. She pressed her face into my shoulder and laughed.

"Make love to me."

Oh boy.

I had a moment of confliction. On one hand Bri and Nick were doing who knows what. On the other hand I had Molly willing and ready to probably try anything.

I decided to go with the other hand.

I made the right choice. Nick and Bri had decided to turn the hot tub into a huge Jell-o wrestling ring and it took the whole time I was romping in the bedroom with Molly for the Jell-o to set to consistancy. Molly was completely satisfied and fast asleep when I headed out to double check on them.

The first round was Liv and Leighanne. I'm going to admit that it made the ridiculous amount I spent on Jell-o worth it. The Jell-o wasn't the only thing that was jiggling. I'm not quite sure who won, but I know that they both got a big round of applause.

"OUR TURN!" Bri said. Nick grabbed his arm and shook his head.

"WE NEED WRESTLING PANTIES!"

Bri and Nick looked at each other in confusion. Liv put one sloppy hand on my arm.

"Can you go get my bag?" she asked.

"Mine too!" Leighanne said.

I had a bad feeling about it, but I did what I was asked. Liv and Leigh rummaged through their bags and came up with thongs. They tossed them at Bri and Nick.

"I'm leaving," I said.

Nick ran up to me. "No, you gotta...you gotta referee."

It was the most disgusting thing I had ever seen. In the course of one night I had seen everyone's package except Kevin's. While Liv and Leighanne wrestling around and pulling each other's hair was extremely hot, Nick and Brian practically doing a Jell-o ballet was not. After an hour they dropped into the Jell-o and just sat there. Liv and Leighanne collapsed on the outside of the hot tub.

I went back inside to get some coffee. I knew I was going to stay awake all night to make sure no one needed to go to the hospital. And I wanted to make sure I didn't miss anything else that I could razz the guys about.

Like I said before, it was nice to be on the other side for once.

I was going to have to thank my dentist when I got home.